#also!!! i hope early had a good day too. ''early'' is the name of paul bellini's cat and i think it's the best cat name i've ever heard | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sinsiriuslyemo · 5 months

Text

Title: Two Sides, Same Coin

Pairing: Jim Gordon/Reader, !Past Quentin Lance/Reader

Rating: PG13 (some suggestive language, dark humor)

Summary: When your former partner shows up in Gotham City asking for help on a case, Jim gets a bit jealous after learning more about your history.

Notes: This idea came from the previous oneshot I posted, Sleep Just To Dream. I started thinking about exploring the reverse, where Jim is jealous and Reader has to reassure him. Also, Quentin Lance from the Arrowverse, makes an appearance in this one shot. I realize that they are veeery loosely the same universe, and at the end of the day, not really since the Nolanverse is sort of stand alone, but too bad. I did it. It's done. I am not sorry, Paul Blackthorne is hot as well 😂 Divider by @firefly-graphics.

Warning: mentions of alcoholism, past trauma.

DD5s were among the most boring paperwork that existed in law enforcement, but much to your chagrin, they were necessary. You, of course, were a master procrastinator, letting them pile up until you had little choice but to finish them lest you not be able to ever find your desk with how many there were to enter into the system. While you waited on the result of a DNA sample, you had some time to kill and decided to at least get started on them, when a familiar voice sounded from behind you.

“I see you still let your paperwork pile up.”

A smile formed on your lips as you swiveled your chair around before you stood. “Like you’re any better than I am.” Closing the couple of steps between you, you flung your arms around your former partner, Detective Quentin Lance of SCPD. “How’ve you been, Lance?”

“Oh, you know,” he answered, hugging you back. “One day at a time, keep it simple.”

The common AA phrases made your smile widen as you pulled away. Quentin had fallen on hard times after his daughter, Sara, died, turning to his work and alcohol to help him drown the pain. Of course, having you for a partner — a rookie who had just earned her shield and was still in the throes of her early twenties — hadn’t exactly helped. In the end, his vices had cost him his marriage, which only seemed to make things worse for a while. By the time you had transferred to Gotham, he had better control over his drinking, though he would still go on a bender every once in a while.

“That’s great to hear. I’m proud of you, Quentin.”

“Thanks,” he said, returning your smile. “How about you, huh? Looks like you’re doing pretty good here.” He glanced around the precinct for emphasis.

Your eyes flickered to Jim’s office, where he was hunched over paperwork as you nodded. “Yeah, things are great.” You look back at Quentin. “So, what brings you all the way to Gotham?”

“Actually, hoping to talk to you about a case I’m workin’. Background check showed the perp has a record in Gotham City, I wondered if you could let me have a look at them.”

“Yeah, sure, I just have to clear it with my Sarge, but I’m sure it’ll be fine,” you replied, gesturing to Jim with one hand. “But you could’a called for that, so… what gives? Why fly all the way across the country?”

He smiled nervously in an effort to mask the fact that he’d been caught with his hand in a cookie jar. “You got me. Uh…” He glanced around the room again. “My captain doesn’t exactly know I’m here. Sorta used some of my PTO to come here on a hunch.”

You nodded once. “Okay.”

“Captain wants me to let this one go, but —”

“You can’t,” you offered with a smile.

He held out his hands at his sides. “You know me, once I get my hooks in something —”

“You don’t let go until you’ve reeled it in,” you finished, adding fondly, “Same ole Quentin.”

There was a bit of pink that made its way to his cheeks as he mirrored your nod and lowered his eyes.

“You got a name?”

“Yeah!” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a scrap of paper, unfolding it and handing it to you. “Tyson Beckett, I like him for a string of homicides.”

“Okay. Give me a couple hours? We can go for a cup of coffee,” you suggested.

“Yeah, that’d be great. I appreciate any help you can give,” he replied. “I’ll just run to the hotel. Be back in two? Sound good?”

“Sounds great, see you then,” you answered.

“Alright,” he said, taking a step back, his smile warm and nostalgic. “It’s good to see you.”

Your cheeks grew warm as you answered, “It’s good to see you, too, partner.”

You waited until he left the precinct before you walked to Jim’s office, leaned against the doorframe and knocked on the open door. He looked up and gave you a smirk, returning his attention to the report he was filling out.

“Aren’t you supposed to be clearing your DD5s?” he asked.

“I was,” you answered, stepping into the office and closing the door, as was your habit any time you discussed police business to ensure you didn’t have any unintended listeners. “Quentin Lance is in town.”

He didn’t look up as he replied. “Your old partner from Starling City?”

“Yeah, he was asking about a suspect for a case he’s working. Apparently the guy has a record in Gotham, Lance wanted to know if he could have a look at those files.”

“He came all the way here in person for that?” Jim asked, finally looking up at you. “He could’a done that in a phone call.”

You bobbed your shoulders. As much as you hated being evasive with Jim, Lance was once your partner, and the habit of covering for your partner wasn’t an easy one to shake. “Yeah, I dunno, I guess it’s just a sensitive case.”

Jim smirked and leaned back in his seat as he arched a brow at you. “You’re a terrible liar.”

You should’ve known Jim would see right through you. “Well, you might have an unfair advantage. You’ve seen me naked, been inside me, so.”

His smirk widened. “My favorite place to be.”

Trying to suppress a smile, you nodded as your cheeks warmed under his stare.

“Look, I get it, he was your partner, you’re covering for him,” he said, letting his chair fall gracefully back into place, his elbows propping themselves against the edge of his desk. “But if there's something I should know, I hope you’ll tell me.”

You averted your eyes, taking a deep breath. “His captain doesn’t exactly know he’s here.”

“So he’s gone rogue,” Jim assumed.

“Sort of. Look, Lance is… he’s a bit bullheaded. Once he catches a bone, it’s really hard to get him to let go.”

Sighing heavily, Jim leaned back in his seat again, rocking back and forth. “You trust him?”

“Yes.”

He nodded and sat up again. “If this somehow comes back to bite us, it’s gonna be on you,” he warned.

“Understood.”

“That the name?” he asked, gesturing with his eyes and a nod at the slip in your hand.

You set down the scrap of paper Quentin had given you. “Tyson Beckett. Quentin likes him for a string of murders back in Starling.”

“Yeah, I’ll put a call down to Admin, let them know you’re coming down.”

You smiled at him. “Thank you.”

Turning to leave, you got as far as the door when you considered whether you should tell him about the history you and Lance had. On one hand, it had been one drunken night of passion, and had led nowhere. At the time, you were far too focused on proving yourself a worthy detective and Quentin was too focused on drowning his grief that it had only been one night. Still, you felt compelled to be forthcoming, especially since your relationship with Jim was so much deeper.

“Actually, there’s one other thing that — in the spirit of honesty — I should probably tell you,” you said, turning to face him and slipping your fingers into your front pockets.

“What is it?”

Your lips began to form the words, and you rattled off the cliff notes as quickly as you could. “We sort of hooked up this one time. Years ago. It was no big deal, didn’t mean anything, it was just the one time. Okay, bye!”

You started to open the door.

“Wait a minute, wait!” he called out, one hand reaching in your direction. He swatted at the air, silently telling you to close the door again.

You did, mentally preparing for whatever would come, hands sliding into your pockets again.

“You can’t just say that and then walk out.”

“It was really nothing,” you tried to assure him.

“Well, it wasn’t nothing. You ‘hooked up’, does that mean…” He waited for you to fill in the blank.

“We had sex, one time. It was a stupid, drunken hook up. It didn’t mean anything, and it never happened again,” you explained.

Jim let out a breath, slumping back in his seat as he tried to digest what you had just told him. Looking back at you, he tilted his head. “Well, this sort of changes things, doesn't it?”

“Why would it?”

“How do you know that’s not the real reason he’s here? This whole Tyson Beckett case could be a ruse just to see you again.”

You shook your head, smiling at him. “It’s not.”

“How do you know?”

“Because that’s ridiculous! First of all, I’m with you, and anyway, he lives in Starling City. I live here.”

“Maybe he’s hoping to convince you to go back,” Jim replied.

You shook your head, unable to help the way a smile played on your face. “I doubt that. And if by some crazy chance, you’re right, he’s gonna be sorely disappointed.”

“You’re sure about that?”

Arching a brow, you cross your arms over your chest and shifted to face him dead on. “Are you jealous?”

He scoffed, making to go back to his report. “No, I’m not jealous.”

“Really?” you replied, doubt lacing the word.

“No, I’m just saying you should be prepared in case that does turn out to be the reason he came all the way here. That’s all,” he said with a bob of his shoulders, going back to his report.

You tried to keep yourself from smiling and rolled your eyes, opening the door and leaving his office. As you went back to your desk, your eyes fell on the DD5s still await your attention, and you groaned to yourself. You looked back toward Jim’s office and saw that he was on the phone, likely with the Administrative Department to request the records you’d asked for. Pulling your jacket from the back of your chair, you put it on and began to walk toward the elevators when your partner called out to you.

“Y/L/N, we got something?”

“No, I’m just headed downstairs for a sec,” you answered. “I’ll be right back.”

About ten minutes before you were expecting Quentin to meet up with you, you pulled out your compact of lip balm. The cold weather always took its toll on your lips, and the only thing that worked was your Sugar Coconut lip balm. You gathered some on your finger and spread it on your lips liberally, drawing in your lips to spread it evenly.

“What are you doing?” Jim asked from behind you.

You jolted slightly and turned to look, spotting him about halfway between your desk and his office. Turning back to face forward, you closed the compact and put it back in your drawer. “Putting on lip balm.”

“Why?”

“Because my lips are dry?” you answered.

He came up to sit in the chair beside your desk, facing you. “What, is Lance gonna feel them or something?”

You could tell he had tried to make the question sound playful, maybe even a little sarcastic, but in the end, his tone had been annoyed, and just slightly wounded.

“Gordon.”

“What?” He shrugged, trying to play innocent.

“Stop it,” you said as a smile came to your lips.

“When’s he coming back for this?” he asked, gesturing with his head at the file that was sitting on your desk.

“He should be here in just a few minutes. We’re gonna go get coffee downstairs,” you answered, trying to sneak in one last DD5 before Quentin showed up.

“Oh, that’s nice,” he replied.

This time when a smile threatened to break through, you did little to stop it. “It’s just coffee. There’s no need for you to be jealous.”

“I told you, I’m not jealous.”

Somehow you sincerely doubt that, but you said nothing, quickly putting in the DD5 in front of you before setting it in the finished pile.

“It’s nice to see you’re actually getting some work done, but then I guess coffee with Quentin is a nice incentive.”

“Oh — My God,” you replied in a chuckle, looking up at him. “Do you wanna just come with us?”

“No,” he replied, shaking his head. “Thank you, but I do not want to come to coffee with you and your ex.”

“He hardly qualifies as my ex,” you said.

“Is this your way of getting back at me for the Brooke Shields thing?”

“What? No —”

“Cause I didn’t actually have sex with Brooke Shields, you at least got to have sex,” he said.

“Don’t piss me off,” you pleaded.

He put his hands up in mock surrender.

“Do you want me to not go? We can just go over the file here at my desk and drink the precinct coffee.”

“No,” he replied, brows furrowing. “No, I trust you.”

“Are you sure?” you asked.

“Yes,” he replied.

A distant ding made you look toward the elevators just as Quentin was getting off, making his way toward your desk.

“There he is, please be nice,” you mumbled to Jim as you stood.

“I’m always nice,” he replied, standing as well and looking over at the dark-haired, older man walking toward you, muttering under his breath. “Well, you certainly have a type.”

A huff of a laugh burst from your lips and you turned your face away, shaking your head. “Stop it.” Turning back to Quentin, you gave him a smile as he walked up. “Detective Lance, this is Sergeant Gordon. Sarge, meet Detective Lance, my old partner from SCPD.”

“Good to meet you, Sergeant,” Quentin said, holding out his hand.

Jim glanced down at it, and shook it politely, and to your relief replied, “Nice meeting you, too, Detective.”

“Really appreciate your help on this case. This guy always seems to be two steps ahead, I’m hoping maybe he wasn’t so careful when he was first startin’ out.”

“Yeah, sure. Hope this helps,” Jim replied with a nod before he looked back at you. “See you when you get back?”

“Yes,” you answered, giving his hand a squeeze before you picked up the file and followed Quentin back to the elevator.

You got back to the precinct about forty-five minutes later, file in hand, which you promptly took to the fax machine. Mostly everyone was gone besides Jim, who was still in his office judging by the fact that it was one of the few lights still on in the place. After faxing the files to Quentin’s hotel, you went to Jim’s office.

“Knock, knock,” you said, coming to a stop in the doorway.

Looking up from the file on his desk, he leaned back in his chair. “How’d it go?”

“Great, actually.” You held up the file and stepped into his office, sitting in one of the chairs in front of his desk. “It’s a good thing we had this in our records. I think it might’ve cracked his case. I just faxed over some copies for him to take back to Starling City.”

“Well good, I’m glad you two still make such a good team,” he replied.

His mustache shifted just enough for you to tell that he was subtly smirking, and a smile teased your own lips.

“I’m not his partner anymore,” you replied. “Would it be okay if we lock this up in here tonight? I can take it back in the morning. I hate going to the basement this late, it’s creepy.”

“Yeah, sure,” he answered, leaning forward to take the file from you and putting it in the top drawer of his desk. “Look, I’m sorry for being a little nutty before. But the thought of you with some other man — touching you, kissing you the same way I do…” He shrugged as a sigh blew through his lips. “It made me a little nutty.”

“I’ll say.”

“And then seeing that same guy going to get coffee with you, it just…”

“I’m sorry. That’s not why I told you about Quentin. I only told you because if you had somehow found out some other way, I didn’t want you to think I was trying to keep it from you. I wasn’t trying to make you feel jealous or upset, I swear.”

“I know,” he said. “And I really am glad we were able to help him.”

You nodded. “He really needed the win, so, me too.”

“Yeah, I know. I checked him out after you left earlier,” he said.

“You vetted my old partner?” you asked with a smirk.

“Course, I did. I wanted to know more about the guy that was taking my girlfriend on a coffee date,” he answered, mirroring your expression.

“It was more of a meeting that happened to include coffee.”

“Whatever it was, I know he’s been having trouble at SCPD these last few weeks. Hopefully this’ll help turn things around for him,” he said, closing the open file on his desk and standing up. “Now, come on. Let’s get home.”

“What about my DD5s? I’ve still got a few to input into the system,” you asked, thumb pointed toward your desk as he came around to stand in front of you, close enough that you could feel his body heat against your own.

“You can finish them tomorrow. Right now, I just wanna take you home, take off all our clothes, crawl into bed and do unspeakable things to you,” he said, moving some hair behind your shoulder, the tip of his finger grazing across your neck.

Goosebumps erupted on your arms, nipples tightening against the lace material of your bra and your breath deepening. “Fine by me.”

#jim gordon x reader #jim gordon fanfic #jim gordon #james gordon #the dark knight trilogy #sergeant gordan #quentin lance #arrow #dark knight x arrow crossover

9 notes · View notes

bourbon-ontherocks · 1 year

Note

… il était bizarre ce chapitre de PQENCEL… (as far as I’m concerned the newbie’s full name is timothée daniel paul guichard, now. also I think he has grounds to get morgane fired for sexual harassment) but jarring similarities aside, I barely have anything to say about 303, tbh? it was ok. the blorbos didn’t break me this time, I won’t need 5-10 business days to recover 😅 the most emotion I felt was when gilles expressed his hurt, moh 🥲 though roxane clearly was the star of the show this time (and I’m glad it inspired you fic-wise, hehe). I wonder when she’s gonna pull the "your colleague kissed you and you forgot to mention it?" card 😏 by the way… anyone else felt something in the air when she saved morgane’s life? no? just me? 👀

star #2 was SOFIANE 💓😍💖💘🥰 our prayers have been answered!!!!! 🫶 he managed to be snarky in a total of 2 lines. hope he comes back for much more! glad they brought bonnemain back too 😄 in a way the cast-related excitement made up for the lukewarm plot. speaking of, what’s more unlikely: a teenager channeling early 00’s energy by choosing "bledigirl" for a stage name, or the fact she didn’t figure out "princesse" was autobiographical because the name of her cousin is literally the title of the song? je veux bien qu’elle ait pas la réf à un film des années 1970 mais le coup du prénom, quoi 😭

gotta say I loved the beard running gag, lol. there’s something terribly wrong with le commandant’s face, mais quoi… 😂 (+ it has a tiny backstory! unexpected) love daphné’s inability to hide her digust. as well as her willingness to lend her new responsibilities to morgane’s scheming. AND (she was so good in this ep) "on peut mieux faire" re: women murderers… daph, never change 🤣💛 she must be so proud of their own statistics!

surprised adam was the one saying the episode title this time. ushering in a new trend, perhaps? it was entertaining to see him bear with morgane’s passive-agressivity. (now that I think about it, the tension throughout this ep probs felt surface-level because we didn’t get a glimpse into the characters’ feelings… et qu’est-ce qu’un chapitre de PQENCEL sans débrief ?) did like the phone cord thread; look at morgane letting him back into her life by stealing his charger! oui j’ai décidé que c’était symbolique. 😂 thank you for your patience and see you on thursday! 👻❣️

Oh my gosh, anon!! So let me just start by saying that I felt TOUT PAREIL the first time I watched that ep! It was even one of my least faves ever. But full disclaimer: this episode grew on me A LOT through the rewatches.

And the more I've thought about it, the more I believe that this ep isn't odd in itself, but it definitely feels so when lined up with the previous two. There's a real and quite unexplained tone shift here, which I think is tied with the whole comedy/dramedy switch and the fact that eps 1 and 2 were shot in July so probs still in the spirit of season 2 (due to the early shooting date, we can assume they were written at the same time as late S2 eps, and the writing of the rest of S3 probs resumed a couple of months later) while ep 3 inaugurates a darker mood for the season. Now let's dive into the specifics.

I wasn't joking when I said that Parce qu'entre nous predicted the season. Targeted home attack? Subsequent police protection? Banging the said protection barely two nights in? I SCREAMED (although while I'm all for Morgane getting some good time this season bc she clearly deserved it, couldn't they at least give her somebody enticing to look at? My guy Paul/Daniel/whatever his name emotes like wet bread. Ew.)(also yeah, I'm kinda bummed with the obvious lack of consent here, not in itself since it narratively and character-wise makes sense, but in the fact that the whole thing is filmed under a ~comedy angle while it would have been completely inappropriate to do so had the genders been reversed. Something something equality works both ways you know? Yikes)

Gilles expressing his hurt and preaching for forgiving to the people who hurt you has to be one of my favourite scenes in the ep and the season (don't get me started on it because I'll start to tear up and word-vomit a non-coherent rant), but I'm surprised it was the most emotion you got from ep 3? I'll get back to the other emotional scenes that I found worth noticing later though, otherwise this post is gonna be all over the place. So Gilles. GILLES, my baby, my love. The thing is, I love Morgane, but she tends to be extremely toxic to everyone around her, she uses people, she doesn't apologize, she ghosts them, she doesn't care about their feelings. And the fact that someone gets to tell her exactly that, that she HURTS people, the people who actually love her and care about her enough to get her out of jail, and the fact that of all people it's Gilles who gets to tell her that, well it made my heart swell. Because Gilles is the nicest person who has ever lived and that makes his speech way more impactful than if it had been Céline's or Adam's.

Also his words are literally the reason why Morgane finally reopens the door to Adam a little at the end of the episode, but again, I'll get to that later.

Let me just tell you that I absolutely love Roxane's arc this season and the way she no longer takes bullshit from anyone. I personally don't think that she bought Morgane's lies on who kissed who, and I do believe she already knows it was entirely Adam's initiative, although that's a personal headcanon of course. Not sure I felt any vibe between her and Morgane though but you know, I can get onboard that train pretty easily!

Now as for Sofiane, I must say I was glad he's back, and true he manages to be snarky in two lines, but my problem is that he ONLY got two lines?? Like... What was the point of calling him back just for this???? 😭 I need moar. Also Bonnemain wasn't gone, he was here in 301 if I remember correctly?

The implausible parts of the case didn't particularly hit me but also I haven't been a teenager in a looooong time now, so I didn't exactly notice the vintage vibes of bledigirl although it's quite obvious now that you pointed it out (I'm having skyblogs war flashbacks now, thank you very much 😂). And as for Sarah's name I'm not sure to see where you're heading at? Cause if it's Princess Sarah then I wouldn't have had the ref either (while I did get the Peau d'Âne one lol), but again, my teenage years are far ago.

Now Daphné. I juste LOVE how we get to see more of her in the season (not saying more but... yea) and the unexpected development of having her as the new workplace discrimination referee was a GENIUS move. The "on peut mieux faire" line has to be one of my absolute faves in the ENTIRE show (je crois qu'elle a même détrôné "excusez-moi de m'intéresser" c'est dire), and her reaction to Adam's glabre face was priceless (as was the whole shaved-his-beard thread, at least we got a consolation prize for losing beardie 🥲).

I actually never noticed that it was Morgane who'd usually say out loud the eps titles? Wasn't it Bonnemain who said Phyllobates Terribilis? Or Gilles who said 55 kilos first? To me the titles always refer to one of the clues that get Morgane to solve the puzzle but it never occurred to me she was the one saying them haha.

Mais bon en vrai on s'en fout parce que c'était juste pour introduire la partie sur Adam et... Okay.

"the tension throughout this ep probs felt surface-level because we didn’t get a glimpse into the characters’ feelings"

So this is exactly the part that grew on me with subsequent rewatches. I guess I was perhaps expecting too much, or was too used to writing myself what was happening in the blorbos' heads, to really get into what happens here on my first watch. But there's actually so much going on, blorbos-wise it is now one of my fave eps in the season!! (There's also some mildly annoying borderline ooc stuff happening but I'll get to that). Morgane is hurting so badly in this episode it's honestly heart-wrenching.

Obviously she's not going to show it eagerly, but it's visible at first in the way she flinches when Théa asks her if she's ready to work with Adam again (which also makes me wonder how much exactly Théa knows about what happened but that's a topic for another day). Then she goes full-on passive-aggressive mode with Adam, which says a lot, it all culminates in the cringiest song ever (I pasted the full lyrics in the end if you're curious), and then Adam does what??

He confronts her! Il essaye de communiquer !! Il veut crever l'abcès 🥹 And she cannot say it. She's the one who always comes up with angry punchlines but right now she's hurting so much she doesn't even have it in her to SAY IT 😭😭😭 and storms out instead. cue my first death in this episode.

BUT. She might be hurting and angry, she'll still lie to Roxane to protect his relationship. While she could very understandably retaliate by tanking it. 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 Cue my second death, obviously.

Now we're getting to the part I honestly didn't like so much, because Morgane just got out of prison, and then she escapes a murder attempt, and nobody gives a shit about it? They can be mad at her all they want, and Adam can be shocked to find Roxane at Morgane's place, what happened to "je tiens à vous" huh? I didn't write "j'ai droit à un câlin à chaque fois que je frôle la mort ?" for nothing, and also I need to check that bingo box, thank you very much 😠😭 So I get that Adam is in the quite delicate situation of "oh shit, looks like wifey and mistress are hanging out behind my back", mais franchement ça lui arracherait une molaire de demander à Morgane comment elle va ?

Biggest OOC move from him as far as I'm concerned. 🔪🔪🔪

Now...

Actually wait no, I'm still angry, give me a minute.

...

Where was I? The show sort of made up for it after that because Adam being in charge of her protection!! While he's mad at her because he's thinking she ratted him out to Roxane!! And she's mad at him because, well, you know!! She physically cannot stand to be in the same room as he is and they are forced to hang out?? And he gets it? And he tries to talk to her but then the pressure explodes? And she FINALLY says it out loud? And exposes her feelings in a clearer way than she's ever done before? Because what else putting Adam at the same level as [redacted] means but "I was in love with you too"???? Cue my third and final death right here.

And finally, for me the phone charger thread as a symbol is not a theory, it's a fact! The way they insisted on how she refuses to use it at first to not owe him anything, for her to eventually steal it after Gilles' speech about forgiveness is pretty transparent, and so is her final joke about his beard. And the way she delivers this final line? This was absolutely not what she intended to tell him. She just didn't master the courage to say out loud "I forgive you", so she settled for something much safer but the meaning remains. Cue my undefined stare at the ceiling 🥹🥹🥹🥹

Honorable mentions to:

Jérôme's burnout? How? When? I need answers 😂

Céline yelling TIMOTHÉE ?! in the precinct

The cats

THE ELEVATOR STARE 😱😱😱😱😱😱 I didn't include it to the blorbos' emotional journey because it wasn't painful but my! God! the! absolute! tension! here!!!!! 🔥🔥🔥🔥 Cue my actual death

And the lyrics to Morgane's song if anyone's interested:

C'est l'histoire d'un amant Qui s'est pris pour un Don Juan T'as cru qu'il était ti-gen Parce que le gars mettait ses gants Il t'a fait nan-nan-nan Chérie tu te méprends

C'est l'histoire d'un condé Qu'a voulu jouer les BG Il s'est pris pour Superman Mais il bouffe trop de kouign amann J'ai fait miam miam miam Par ici le croque-madame

J'fais monter la mayo (x3) Pour le poulet... (suite incompréhensible)

T'as cru qu'il était gentil Parce qu'il portait un képi Mais c'était que du mépris Il t'a tej comme un débris

#sorry this got VERY long 😅#well that's what you get for making me debrief a whole episode in one ask lol #ask #anon #julia's adventures with the hpi anon #hpi #hpi analysis #hpi season 3 #hpi tf1 #tf1 hpi

23 notes · View notes

jess-the-reckless · 7 months

Text

Spooky season is very much upon us, so here’s a freebie. I was planning on putting Ghosted out as a Halloween offer, but reasons, so in the meantime here’s a little spooky something I wrote back in twentysomething, maybe? Can’t remember when. I think it was one of those novels that fell into the pandemic time hole, which might account for some of its weirdness. The other thing that might account for the weirdness is that it’s about ghosts and witches and cults and things, all of which are dear to my heart for various reasons. The question I most get asked about Arcana is ‘why did you write an entire novel around Boston’s More Than a Feeling?’, and yeah – good question. I didn’t know the answer to that at the time, either. I mean, yes, I’m really into boomer dad-rock, but what of it? Don’t know.

I always wanted to write something about a cult, ever since high school, where I had a married couple of Religious Studies teachers who were obsessed with cults, particularly the Moonies. They were both Christians, she a fierce feminist who had very little time for St. Paul, while he was famous for crucifying people in class. He had a human sized crucifix, presumably sourced from a kink dungeon somewhere, and would tie students to it for limited lengths of time as a practical lesson on the effects of crucifixion. Obviously every health and safety authority in the country told him to knock this off, and he stopped, although the crucifix remained and the legend lived on. I partly took Religious Studies because we all quietly hoped that one day sir would snap and crucify someone again.

The class was fun, and dovetailed nicely with my History modules on the English Reformation, but every now and again they’d slip in something about the Moonies, mainly about how to avoid them, and how to know when you were being recruited into a cult. I never asked, but I suspect they’d been entangled in one way or another, either as members or deprogrammers. Anyway, it was something that stuck in my head, at an age where the word ‘cult’ mostly meant Ian Astbury to me.

So where did Arcana come from, exactly? Well, partly there, and partly about a dozen or more different places. George Clooney writhing dorkily to Boston in The Men Who Stare at Goats gave me the central plank of the soundtrack, and one of several aliases for cult leader Starling – Marianne. Barbara Weisberg’s superb biography Talking to the Dead made me burn to include the Fox Sisters, the Britney and LiLo of the early spiritualist movement, tipsy child stars whose health and well-being was shamefully neglected (and often sabotaged) by adults who should have known better. Aimee Semple McPherson gave me clothes left on a beach, while Marilyn Monroe gave me a séance in Westwood Cemetery, and a punchline to the dirty joke Hugh Hefner made of her when he purchased the burial plot next to hers.

Jonestown gave me a birthdate for my main character – 18th November – while Googling songs with ‘follow’ in the lyrics gave me his name, Michael, via the Fleet Foxes White Winter Hymnal. Frank Zappa gets namechecked for Kosmic Debris, a number from Apostrophe, one of those batshit albums you cannot believe even exist when you discover them as a teenage stoner, and you never stop being delighted that they do. A jigsaw of a Van Gogh painting inspired a cold reading that might not have been nearly as frosty as it appears at first glance, while Carlos Castaneda and his wild desert bullshit gave me brujos, and an idea of which cactus parts you needed to trip enough balls to put you into the stratosphere. Salem Witches, Marjorie Cameron, Elizabeth Loftus, even Isambard Kingdom Brunel gets a look in. The more I look back at it the more I realise there is a lot in this book, perhaps too much, but it is – at its heart – still a love story.

It might also be the most me book I’ve ever written. For a long time I didn’t really do introspection. I lived mostly in fight or flight mode, filling the PTSD void with stuff – books and art, information, theories, and rational explanations. I bobbed around for a couple of years on the fringes of the Sceptic movement, and that’s kind of where I think the character of hyper-rational psychology professor Gus came from. The deeper I got with the Sceptics/Skeptics the more I realised they could be inflexible, even cult-like (and don’t even get me started on the misogyny within the movement) and the lack of self-awareness was absurd.

I also wrote this book from before I went to therapy, and I think in a way Gus’s journey almost prophesied my own transformation. Gus is what happens when you stop forcing yourself to think that everything that goes on in your head is purely chemical or evolutionary. Yes, that’s a component of it, but emotions are real. That sense you have that everything in a situation is maybe not exactly as it seems? Yeah. Run with that. Dig deep, and look around. Turns out it might be more than a feeling.

#writing #original fiction #spooky season #witches #cults #paranormal romance #lgbtq romance

7 notes · View notes

lonelier-version-of-you · 1 year

Text

Okay, so, tonight’s episode... hm. It wasn’t as good as I’d hoped from the spoilers and from it being written by Ed Sellek. It wasn’t bad, by any means, it was just sort of... meh. Maybe that’s just because I feel “meh” on the storylines, though.

The Dylan storyline is interesting, but I’m sad we only had Jemima for a few scenes. Also - why’d they have to name her Jemima Hargrove? That’s a name begging me to misread it as “Jemma Redgrave”, I swear, lmao.

I guess I just would’ve liked to see more of Dylan and Jemima, like we’ve seen him with his other mentors (Miriam and Zsa Zsa). The fact that their dynamic was so lovely made me want to see more of them even more.

I’m a bit frustrated with how this feels more like a mystery/sensationalist sort of storyline than an issue-based storyline. I guess I was sort of hoping for the latter based off everything they’ve said about this story. That said, it’s very early days and we’ll have to wait to see how the story progresses.

It’s obviously not gonna be Jemima’s son that’s the abuser, that’s way too easy - he feels more like a red herring. I think he really does just have a bad relationship with his mum and that’s it. It’s got to be a staff member at the care home, I’d imagine. Probably tied to why Jemima’s friend was hiding in the cupboard - trying to get away from the staff member. And Jemima’s notebook would be documenting the abuse in the home. (Plus, it being someone at the home, abusing multiple residents, would probably be more fitting for the thing Jon Sen said about the storyline involving Dylan discovering abuse in the community.)

Anyway, regardless of my scepticism about the storyline itself, William Beck was great tonight and so was Souad Faress as Jemima.

When we got the earliest spoilers about the storyline with Rash, I figured it was heading in this direction, and indeed the Digital Spy spoilers went on to prove me right. It’s an interesting storyline. All the actors involved are very good (Shobu Kapoor - Mona’s actress - was particularly great in this ep), so that helps.

I didn’t like that it gave us a vehicle for a Charlie Lecture, though.

Anyway, yeah, I don’t have a lot to say about that storyline, it’s another one we’ll have to wait and see how it plays out.

They are taking the incidental music way too far. It’s one thing in dramatic scenes (and often overused even for those), but now we’ve had Comedy Incidental Music at least twice - this episode, and the Paul/Adi fight a few months back - and I hate it. The music is alright in dramatic scenes in small doses, but that’s it.

Dylan at the management seminar thing was extremely relatable. I love him.

I still hate that Faith is on the show, and I still hate that she’s still sharing scenes with Dylan. If she gets involved in this care home plot like a couple of articles have been suggesting she might, so help me. Faith is nothing more than an abusive monster and I am sick and tired of the show trying to portray her otherwise.

It looks like they’re finally starting to set up Ethan’s exit, what with that whole little scene with the care home worker asking Ethan about his career. I’d been wondering when they’d start setting that up.

Anyway, yeah, that’s all I have to say about this episode.

#BBC Casualty #Casualty spoilers #tw;abuse

7 notes · View notes

gdwessel · 1 year

Text

Fifty

Hi there. I'm fifty years old today, and the last couple of weeks I've felt every bit of it. I'm mostly writing this on Wednesday night. Mostly. I'm sure I'll have other things I wanna say come up before I hit the Post button.

C2E2 came and went. It was alright. I sold some copies of WAR BIRDS and TAKEDOWN, wish I'd sold more, but I've heard others had a really slow show as well. I didn't even really do BarCon like I was wont to do pre-pandemic (and OK, even a little post-pandemic); Friday night died early, and Saturday I just didn't feel like it, even as it hit me halfway to walking to the bars. Don Cardenas pointed out to me that this was the third C2E2 in 18 months, which once he said that kinda put things in perspective. The next one is not until late April 2024, so maybe there will be a bit more enthusiasm for the event on all sides by that time. Maybe by then, I'll have something else out to sell to people too.

(Which reminds me, something I prophesized last post thankfully did NOT come to pass, when Brandon Johnson won the Chicago mayoral race ahead of White Rage MAGA Chud in Dems Clothing, Paul Vallas. Thank gawd. Now Johnson just needs to be a better mayor than the last few. It's a low bar to clear, but somehow Rahm Emmanuel and Lori Lightfoot couldn't clear it…)

If you are in suburban Chicago, I'll be tabling at the mini comic con the Schaumburg Public Library is hosting on Saturday 4/15/2023 from 1pm - 4pm CDT. It's my local library, and if I wanted to I could walk there. It's the library system I grew up in. My daughter works there, as a matter of fact. Very pleased to be doing so. Gene Ha and many other local artists will be a part of it. Please say hi if you are coming by.

Speaking of WAR BIRDS, next Tuesday, 4/18/2023, will be a second launch of sorts for the book, as it will finally be available in bookstores, as well as Amazon and Kindle. So hopefully everyone who was not able to get a copy at their local comic shops because they didn't order and/or get any can get a copy. (MY local, who I've been shopping at for DECADES [well, OK, there was a break from when I was living in Indy] didn't get any in on release day. But that may have been Diamond fuckery.) In any event, Tuesday is the bookstore release date, and I hope you can get one then if you didn't get one previously. (And if you did, THANK YOU!)

I mentioned a Project I Couldn't Name last post. Pleased to say I've turned it in, way ahead of when I was told to, so hopefully there'll be some news on that front I can actually share soon.

I saw Depeche Mode! It was amazing. That's it, that's the review. (The opener, Kelly Lee Owens, also really good!) I can't wait to see them again in November.

(I was in the middle of writing this when I found out Dan Gaines, the owner of my Other Local, Comic Carnival in Indianapolis, has passed. Hadn't talked to him since I left Indy. So sorry to hear of his passing. My condolences to his family, loved ones, friends and everyone at Comic Carnival.)

I keep putting off something I've been wanting to write about here, and I'm going to be doing it once more, as it is now my birthday, and I have a meeting in about forty minutes for something I've been wanting to do for a very very long time, and thought the door was closed for decades, but it has reopened recently. So I am going to do that.

Thank you everyone. Talk soon.

#comics #c2e2 2023 #c2e2 #war birds #depeche mode #andrew fletcher

6 notes · View notes

lullabiesofwoe · 1 year

Text

[ paul mescal, cis man, he/him. ] ✧･ﾟ is that [ NOEL CALVIN ] who just stumbled into town? rumour has it that they’re the [ TWENTY-FIVE ] year old child of [ CAROL AND SCOTT CALVIN ] from [ THE SANTA CLAUSE ]. i’ve also heard that they’re [ EMPATHETIC ] but [ PESSIMISTIC ] and have [ 3 ] siblings. i could almost swear i heard [ HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS - SAM SMITH ] playing when they appeared.

full name: noel calvin

nicknames: none

age: twenty-five

gender: cis man

pronouns: he/him

sexuality: bisexual

parents: carol and scott calvin / santa claus

siblings: (open half-brother - charlie), (open younger sibling), and (open younger sibling)

A CHILDHOOD SPENT in the north pole was bound to be less conventional than most, but from the moment noel and his siblings entered this world his parents did their very best to maintain a sense of normalcy for their children. both carol and scott had once experienced the mundane routine of life elsewhere so they were able to provide the necessary structure to ensure their kids were well-rounded. but this didn’t mean that christmas didn’t dictate a good portion of their lives. noel was homeschooled by his mother from an early age, occasionally also attending the classes that she taught to the elves that worked for his father. from an early age, he became fascinated with the inner workings of the north pole and even held onto the dream that one day he would be able to step in as the new santa claus once his father was ready to retire. due to this lofty dream, he often shadowed his father as much as he could. the man truly was his idol.

despite how much noel looked up to his father and hoped one day he could live up to the magic he created for children around the world, he began to realise just how much his father prioritised work over his family. playing the role of santa was a full-time job, one that took up a majority of the man’s time all year round. while it was beyond rewarding to watch, noel made the same wish every christmas eve that things would change and his father would take a step back from his work to provide him and his siblings with a bit more attention. that christmas wish never came true. when noel was finally eighteen years old, he decided that he wanted to leave the north pole. foolish childhood dreams and love for christmas aside, he yearned to see what the world had to potentially offer him.

his parents knew it would be a shock to his system since he had only ever left the north pole to visit his half-brother charlie and his grandparents, but they had faith in their son. while it was most definitely a culture shock to noel, he was able to adapt and adjust over time. he ended up applying to university where he majored in business with a minor in fine arts. he ended up somewhat following in his father’s footsteps after graduating when he got a job at a major toy company. while it wasn’t exactly what he wanted, he was able to bring joy to children across the world by coming up with new and exciting toy ideas. if there was one thing he knew and understood best: it was what children liked and what they wanted.

but over time, he slowly began to lose the joy he once felt toward christmas. all of his coworkers merely viewed the holiday as a cash grab and his boss placed extra pressure on him during christmas. the experience certainly wasn’t the same as it was at the north pole. but noel was far too afraid to admit that the hopes and aspirations that he had created for himself away from home weren’t playing out the way he hoped they had. even if he was giving up on his dreams of becoming santa claus, he wanted to do everything in his power to make his parents proud.

#( biography && noel. )

4 notes · View notes

firstumcschenectady · 2 months

Text

“Hoped for Dignity” based on Acts 6:1-6 and 1 Corinthians 11:17-26

When I was a child I thought that the church was a holy place and that meant that the people who were there did good things, and good decisions were made there.

Growing up wasn't particularly fun. Shaking off all those illusions was a lot of work. Now I know that the church is a holy place and that means people try to do good things and make decisions and sometimes we do and sometimes we don't.

These days I can read two passages about the early church bringing normal human dysfunction to shared meals and not even bat an eye. Of course normal human dysfunction happened in the early church! And the middle church! And the late church? Whatever we call ourselves now. Of course ways people didn't see each other's needs have always happened and of course that applied to people with enough resources not seeing those without enough resources well. People. That's apparently how we work. Including in the church.

I've never been super fond of Paul's “solution” in 1 Corinthians though. I've never understood why he recommended eating at home instead of sharing all the food that everyone brought. Luckily, we have our Acts reading too, one that feels so radical it seems like Jesus is sitting in the room making the recommendation himself.

So let's focus on the Acts one. This is in the very early church when the followers of Jesus were functioning as one family in really practical ways. People sold everything they had and contributed the resources to the whole and were then utterly dependent on each other. Usually I read this part of Acts and just feel guilty that the modern church is such a weakened version of that commitment to community and shared livelihood.

But this passage shows that even in the VERY early church when people were radically committed to God, to following Jesus, and to each other there were still issues. And these issues were intersectional. The community of faith following Jesus in those days was still a part of Judaism, so all the followers of Jesus still knew themselves to be Jews. However, by the time of the early church, Judaism already had both a home base and a diaspora. Some Jewish people still lived in the land of their ancestors and spoke Hebrew and Aramaic, some came from families that had lived in other places and spoke primarily Greek. Maybe, even, most of them spoke each other's languages but the “Hellenistic” and “”Hebrew” Jews refers mostly to where their families had settled.

In any case, while in the world at large being Hellenistic would have been a position of greater power, for the early church being Hebrew was a position of greater power and that meant that the Hellenistic Jews were LESS powerful. And, because humans … are kinda awful sometimes... that meant that the most vulnerable members of the Hellenistic Jews – the widows – suffered the most and weren't getting enough FOOD.

Which is horrible, and infuriating, and also just so NORMAL.

The solution, I'd say, isn't normal though. It isn't normal in the world and it isn't even normal for the church. Because the issue was brought to “the disciples” and they did something I'm not used to seeing church leaders do. They set a boundary and said “we aren't capable of caring for this in addition to the things we're already doing.” Which was incredibly healthy, especially when they said that AND came up with a plan to make sure it was cared for.

So then they told the community to find 7 people to care for the fair distribution of food. Which means that it was the whole community that did the really amazing next thing, not just the twelve disciples. The amazing thing they did was pick SEVEN men with HELLENISTIC names. One of whom we're told was a convert to Judaism, so go diversity on that one.

And those seven men became the ones in charge of resources distribution. The words used as “wait tables” also have administrative connotations, and I suspect those are accurate.

In my years in the church I haven't ever seen it happen that when a marginalized group reports structuralized mistreatment that they're given all the power over the structure. Never. I've seen marginalized groups report structuralized mistreatment and they've been given space to speak, or they've been empowered to report on the problem, at times there are even spaces made for committees to be formed, and on occasion those committees are even mostly populated by those who have been marginalized.

But I've never seen the POWER HANDED OVER.

I've never seen the response, “This has been done poorly and the most vulnerable people aren't being treated well? Then let's fix it by making sure that those who are vulnerable have complete control over the resources people need, because they'll be more attentive to distributing it fairly.”

Well, I've never seen it anywhere but right here. And this feels like a bigger miracle than those healing stories the gospels are full of. Did the early church really do this? Did they really trust God and follow Jesus this well? Did they actually invert the power structures of the world and trust the disempowered to fix the system?

Yes, yes, I know that it was 7 men and no women and definitely none of the widows. It is a miracle anyway. I've seen the church at large. Trust me.

Seriously, this gives me goosebumps.

Because I can imagine SO MANY objections to doing it this way. Right? “They'll just keep all the food to themselves.” “Will the Hebrew widows be hungry now?” “What do those guys know about distributing resources anyway?” “This is hard work, it should be done by experts.” “What will we do if someday there isn't enough food? Will they be able to handle it then?” “What kind of reporting are we expecting of these 7 to the 12 that it can be clear they're being accountable?”

But that wasn't what happened. 7 people were selected, they were blessed, they did the work, and Acts goes on to tell us some of the wonderful things these people did to build up the community and bring glory to God. The 12 went back to their important work, the 7 did their important work, everyone got the resources they needed, and more people were attracted to this radically equal Body of Christ.

And I think that means if it happened once, it could happen again!?!?!? It probably has, even if I haven't heard about it. I suspect God is working on it happening RIGHT NOW in a whole bunch of places. This is a miracle of hope – that true dignity can be restored to God's beloveds who are in this moment vulnerable and in need.

This amazing miracle is a part of the story we find at the table of God we extend at the communion table. So invite you to bring this miracle with us as move into sharing our resources with each other and sharing the bread and the cup. Amen

Rev. Sara E. Baron First United Methodist Church of Schenectady 603 State St. Schenectady, NY 12305 Pronouns: she/her/hers http://fumcschenectady.org/ https://www.facebook.com/FUMCSchenectady

March 3, 2024

#thinking church #progressive christianity #rev sara e baron #fumc schenectady #first umc schenectady #schenectady #umc #sorry about the umc #lent #hope #hope in the midst of despair #if it happened once

0 notes

cosettepontmercys · 6 months

Note

Hey! Sorry I didn't reply..it was my brother's bday the other day and I was a little tipsy. Omg I just realized I also shorten his name to To and sometimes we will repeat it like To To to get him to pay attention or look. but it still sounds different than Toto if that makes sense. I can't believe I just noticed that lol. So I guess we have similar dog names too which is such a coincidence. That's cool..what kinda things do you have planned? I don't know much about it. Have you been before?

Ya it's different with Taylor since I did grow up with her since the beginning and she always seemed pretty normal girl with her lyrics from debut and I felt so connected to her as a shy weird girl who didn't have a lot of friends. So that's a lot different than other artists to me..but I have been following Paramore early on too. I think it might be cuz I know more about Taylors life and her as a person, and did grow up with her. But I have had a similar experience with a few other artists later in my life where the music found me at the right time when I needed it. That happened with Soccer Mommy and the band Best Coast..if you like singer songwriters you might enjoy her music. She says things in a more simple way than Taylor but I find it so relatable. Another one is The Smiths..their music means so much to me. My favorite concert was Eras and Rep..haha. next would be twenty one pilots/TOP..I have seen them probably 5 or 6 times now and they always put on a great show! I saw Paramore in 2015 and was so bummed I couldn't make their recent tour. Wow that's a lot! Before eras, I can't remember the last concert I went to. Which one has been your favorite? And which eras show was your favorite?

I watched a bootleg of &Juliet before but I can't really remember it! I think I might have been drinking during it and had it on in the background. I like it well enough but it reminds me too much of Moulin Rouge and I just prefer that a lot more. I think it's overall a pretty fun show though, but that's all. I like Six in a similar way too but I totally get why people love it. Aww I hope you can..it really does seem like seeing it live could make a big difference. Moulin Rouge the movie will always be better to me than the musical though. I've also really been into La La Land again recently. Have you ever seen the Beatles jukebox musical Across the Universe? That's another favorite of mine and would totally recommend! I wanted to ask if you had watched it. No I haven't..but folk style Sondheim seems interesting and just my style..I'll check it out for sure. Also..did you see the new Mean Girls trailer? What did you think? They did not make it seem like a musical though so I don't really have a strong opinion of it yet. It didn't feel like the original either so idk.

I really hope to watch the show at some point. I just have not been watching TV lately but I really want to. I've seen enough gifs on here to know it's good. I can't believe that's where Paul and Daisy's careers started..I feel like I see Paul everywhere now but I'm not even sure if I actually saw one of his movies yet. I did watch Daisy in the Crawdads movie and thought it was okay. I saw two episodes of CWF and was supposed to watch them at the same time to see what my sister thought lol..but that's not even on Hulu anymore so I'll never watch it now, but will watch Normal People. I've heard mixed things of Beautiful World..the bit I read felt different from the other two in a way to me. I planned on reading them all next to each other..and I think I read Normal People and CWF at the same time actually. I finished Normal people quickly and had to work to finish CWF. I did not understand or connect to the relationship or characters as much in that one so that does make me curious about Beautiful World. I think I have to be in a specific mood for it though.

Oh yes that happens to me with books all the time too, as you know. It's like..i tell myself if I start it, that makes me feel like I will definitely go back to it but sometimes that doesn't happen, and it's not even really because of the book. I really hope it doesn't happen with Night Circus though..but i might not get back to it for a month, so don't worry. I have heard of that book I think? but don't know what it's about. I honestly don't really read funny books I don't think but I guess it seems like you're enjoying it which is good! I totally will keep you updated if I read any more of it.

It's so good! That's a perfect way to describe it and I'm sure it will fit right into the movie. Oh is it like a six degrees of separation thing with Rachel..haha that's still awesome though!

Speaking of vinyls, my 1989 pink vinyl came yesterday and I really love the cover every time I look at it. It really makes me think about how the vault tracks go with the beach theme as well. I don't think my rankings have changed actually, but more like my opinion of the vault as a whole. Like I think maybe these are the best so far as a group..they go well together but Red has more of my absolute favorites. Slut is still my favorite and it's so dreamy..I loved the new acoustic version as well. Then Say Don't Go, Suburban Legends and Now we Don't Talk. Unpopular opinion..is it over now is still in last for me but I truly love every song a lot more now! Something I was thinking and talking to my sister about is how Taylor still writes great love songs and I feel like I don't see it a lot with all these newer singer songwriters as much. I've always loved Taylors lyrics and songs about being a hopeless romantic, and I think Slut falls into that category as well. I know she compared it to Blank Space but it also reminds me of Wildest Dreams. Although it could be just the feeling of the song too, similar to Snow on the Beach or even Paris. I also see Suburban Legends as a mix of Timeless, Gold Rush and maybe a bit of Mastermind in both lyrics and sounds. Aww that's so exciting..I hope she had a great time! I loved the new pink outfits so much and just seeing her perform again makes me so happy..and the surprise songs. I will make a guess for surprise songs right now for tonight. I'm thinking something from Rep for the anniversary..so I'll pick Dancing with our hands tied guitar and Say Don't Go..since I imagine she will want to sing a new vault song. It's the first thing I thought of but I also think that would be a great pairing..what about you? Do you have any guesses?

Oh I don't really use my laptop anymore since it's so slow but I still can try it on my phone. I glanced at the rules and was kinda confused. I'll have to see what my sister thinks about it cuz I might need help.

I've never seen Jasper In deadland and had no idea it was similar. That makes it interesting to me. Come From Away is pretty different cuz there's less songs and more dialogue..plus the style of music is just way different lol but like Great Comet comparison would make more sense with Hadestown. That's a sweet memory to have..it still gives me chills sometimes and I remember when I first saw the Tony performance too.

I love talking to you but I think it might help me to send shorter anons from time to time and I'm sorry if I talk too much. Sometimes responding to your messages overwhelms me and I feel bad if I don't reply right away. I think I will be busy and stressed until the middle of January at this point and some days I won't have as much energy to give you a full response. I can still talk to you about reading updates and Taylors tour, such as guessing surprise songs each day or overall just checking in of course. I just feel like some convos go in circles at this point so don't feel like you have to respond to everything. I feel like I just talk to you the same way I just ramble stuff to my sister at this point lol. I try really hard to keep things interesting but sometimes it's hard cuz I'm actually boring and never doing anything. It's not you at all..so please don't take it that way! I hope you have an amazing trip!!! 🩷🩷🩷

hi friend this is so so late and i am terribly sorry </3 i have been down with the plague unfortunately :( i got sick coming home from boston and i am still feeling ... quite ill. i hope you've been doing well!

how was your brother's birthday? did y'all have fun? what's your drink of choice? and i've been to boston once before! i mostly just hung out with one of my best friends — i got to meet some turkeys (which i was super excited about), we went shopping, went to a museum, a musical and a concert! so very, very fun! and very serendipitous because i ran into some other friends who live in boston at the museum! it was a very short trip, but i had a lot of fun and my immune system is terrible so i am now paying the price, but that's okay! hopefully i'll feel better soon.

i don't know if i've said this to you before, so forgive me if i have, but i got introduced to taylor through this one girl in my 6th grade art class — i'd just moved to the states, and she was like "do you like taylor swift" and i was like "idk who that is" and she was like "you have to listen to her" so i went home and looked her up on youtube and became obsessed! i had no friends (i was nine and in 6th grade and everyone was two years older than me) but i had taylor and her music, and so that's a big part of why her earlier stuff means so much to me! i think it's really easy to feel ... more connected (?) to taylor because her work is so personal, even when it's not autobiographical!

i really do love singer songwriters — and will have to check them out! i really love our conversations because i get introduced to so many new artists that i wouldn't have listened to on my own! i almost feel like we should do a little like playlist exchange (doesn't have to be a formal playlist), like a collection of like a few songs that we want the other person to listen to! my favorite is also eras — i'm tempted to say night 2 because i got to hear one of my all time favorite songs (tied together with a smile) but night 1 was really, really special too because i got to see it with two of my closest friends and the vibes were just so immaculate! i think we were all a lot more tired night 2 (and rushed, since we had to run from the gracie acoustic set) and so it was a little more hectic! i don't know if i told you but i ended up getting tickets for vancouver, so i'm going to be able to take my mom and my friend from high school (who i was originally going to do round 3 of eras with) 🥺 i'm really really excited because i will know more of what to expect, and i get to see her with my mom who also really loves taylor (her favorite era is fearless and she was really disappointed the movie did not have the green dress — she kept asking me "wheres the green dress? when does the green dress show up" haha). but i think seeing maisie and sabrina were also perfect? like i have just been very fortunate to have some incredibly good concert experiences this year!

i have not seen across the universe, but one of my friends loves it and it's been on my watchlist forever! one day i'll get around to it! i don't love the mean girls trailer for the same reason — it doesn't feel like the musical at all (or a musical, in general), but i'm trying to keep an open mind! i probably won't see it in cinemas but we'll see!! speaking of musicals, did you see that american psycho immersive is happening in 2025? i lost my mind when i found out! i was half asleep and my friend texted me and woke me up and i was like immediately wide awake. i'm soooo excited for it. i'm going to try to plan a trip out in 2025!

i brought convo with friends with me to boston, and didn't even touch it once haha. which is sometimes the case when i bring books on vacation! i also packed up my ipad with arcs and read one page of one and then put it down. sometimes i'll read like seven books on vacation and then sometimes i'll read 0. it's just how things are!

cleo & frank is a very ... wild book. i do not know if i would recommend it (i'm about halfway in) but it's definitely keeping my interest in an entertaining way. i've been reading for about 30 minutes before "bed" now, so hopefully i can finish it before the end of the month! i think november is going to be a very chill reading month; i've only read 3 books and i don't see myself reading many more just based on how ill i've been feeling. which is okay! i was just hoping to be more on top of things (arcs) this month, but that's fine, there's always next month. i think i'm going to wait to touch night circus till i'm feeling better :( and try to focus on that — and finishing up my les mis annotations/reread in december, then maybe jump into starless sea in january! we'll see though!

isn't the pink 1989 vinyl so pretty? i'm obsessed with it! i haven't listened to it yet, but i keep looking at it! i also preordered the new bleachers album on vinyl yesterday, i think the colors on this one are so pretty! i loveeeed the acoustic of slut; i haven't listened to it a whole lot but i really liked it when i listened to it! maybe i will spin 1989 today while at work for you 🤍 i haven't really been listening to vinyls much lately (i fall into moods) but i was listening to in the end it always does by the japanese house (i have the pink vinyl for that too!) the other night! i also bought the new sabrina carpenter christmas ep fruitcake on vinyl, so i'm excited for that to come! and i have some vinyls coming in from urban outfitters' 7" singles day — i think they're coming here today, actually!

and you are so right! i love her softer love songs, like saccharine sweet ones, and it's funny because one of my best friends does not like those ones at all! we very much compliment each other in that way; she's a rep girlie and i am very much not a rep girlie haha. speaking of rep, it looks like you hit the nail on the head with predicting DWOHT soon! do you think we're going to get a rep announcement this week? a lot of my friends are rep girlies, so for their sake i hope so but i also wish taylor would take a break!

i made a post about this when i saw your ask come in, but i want you to know there's never any pressure to reply immediately, or to send a long lengthy ask! i just love chatting with you, no matter what! thinking of you this holiday season (if you celebrate?) and hope things are going okay 🤍 you are not boring at all! and we are friends! take care of yourself friend!!

#post: answered #🩷 anon

1 note · View note

vinnysantiago · 1 year

Text

[ diego luna | forty | cis man | he/him ] Hey, look! It’s [VICENTE SANTIAGO] at [OLD MAPLE WAY]. Did you know they [WORK] there as a [FARMHAND]? I guess they’re from [MOUNT PLEASANT, MICHIGAN] and have been in town for [TWO WEEKS], living in [MAPLE HILL]. I also heard they’re a little [PESSIMISTIC], but also very [PATIENT] which definitely makes sense.

FULL NAME: Vicente Santiago Gallego

NAME MEANING:

VICENTE ; Spanish and Portuguese form of Vincent. From the Roman name Vincentius, which was derived from Latin vincere meaning "to conquer". This name was popular among early Christians, and it was borne by many saints. As an English name, Vincent has been in use since the Middle Ages, though it did not become common until the 19th century. Famous bearers include the French priest Saint Vincent de Paul (1581-1660) and the post-impressionist painter Vincent van Gogh (1853-1890).

SANTIAGO ; From various Spanish and Portuguese places called Santiago.This is the name of several cities in Spain and Portugal, so named for Saint James (see the given name Santiago for more information). It is also used for many other cities in the Spanish and Portuguese-speaking worlds, notably the capital city of Chile.

GALLEGO ; Originally indicated a person from Galicia, a region in northwestern Spain.

NICKNAME(S): V, Vee, Vinny

AGE: Forty

D.O.B.: September 24, 1983

ZODIAC: Libra

ELEMENT: Air

NATIONALITY: Mexican-American

GENDER: Cis Man

EYES: Brown

HAIR COLOUR + STYLE: Dark brown, generally unruly. Half-medium length.

SKIN: Tanned

BODY TYPE: Athletic. Lean. Any tone he has to boast about is from labour and physical hard work, alongside years spent in the military maintaining a certain degree of physical discipline.

HEIGHT: 5′9″

WEIGHT: 164 lbs

FACE CLAIM: Diego Luna

FACIAL DETAILS: Commonly sporting five o’clock shadow. Something of a resting bitch face despite his desperate lean towards neutrality. An air of exhaustion, eyes show dark circles lending tale to lack of sleep–he doesn’t want to talk about it.

FEATURES/MARKS: Both hands feature a smattering of scars from a life constantly on the move, a small scar notches through his upper lip.

TATTOO(S): Unit tattoo on left bicep. Right forearm features a tattoo of a sinking boat.

HEALTH: Questionable. Despite twenty-two years spent in the military demanding physical health. On the move. Constantly go go go. Since his discharge, he’s been having trouble sleeping; to put it lightly. Pushing himself hard through the day so he can (he hopes) fall asleep at night. It’s not working. His diet has begun to fail, catching what food he can that’s cheap and easy–oftentimes supplied to him by the farm and he’s starting to lose what muscle weight and mass he once had.

SEXUALITY: Demiromantic, Bisexual

CLOTHING/ACCESSORIES: Comfortable. Jeans and soft t-shirts with faded logos and catchy one-liners. Regularly thrifts. Work boots, wide brimmed hat–occasionally wears wraparounds. Still wears his dog tags and military standard watch.

MOTHER: Abigail Gallego López

FATHER: José Maria Santiago Martín

SIBLING(S):

Emilio Santiago Gallego (elder brother)

Camila Santiago Gallego (younger sister)

PET(S): None (is a cat person, would like to get a cat)

SIGNIFICANT OTHER: None, never married.

GENERALLY LIKED or DISLIKED? Unknown. Too new in town to have any real status amongst the populace. However, is generally a dedicated and loyal employee; not to mention hard working therefore is appreciated by his coworkers and his employers.

EDUCATION LEVEL: High School GED.

FAVOURITE SPORT: Football/Soccer.

HOBBIES: Sketching, reading, exercise, travel, going to the movies (or watching movies in general).

SKILLED AT: Navigation. Hand to hand combat. Marksmanship. Physical labour. Piloting. Maintenance. Traditional art.

UNSKILLED AT: Cooking. Baking. This man lives off of cereal, protein bars, and cold cut sandwiches.

TEMPERAMENT: Phlegmatic

ATTITUDE: Once a generally outgoing and good-humoured individual, Vicente has since become withdrawn and something of a moody individual that opts towards silence of the polite variety. He cares. He’s kind and patient even if he comes off as awkward these days, whatever charm he once boasted has seemingly vanished into thin air. He does not want to talk about it.

QUIRKS: Compulsive sketcher. Loves to sketch in pocket sketchbooks or on any slip of paper he can get his hands on. People. Places. Things. Rarely ever fully smiles, it’s always more of a half-smile type deal. Tactile. Shows affection through touch, through contact–hungers for it but it’s the kind of thing that one simply doesn’t ask for.

PRIORITIES: Currently? None. Adrift, lost at sea. To go to bed and wake up every day is enough for him–he sure would like to wake up well-rested though.

GOOD HABITS: Organized. Punctual. Dedicated. Hard-working.

BAD HABITS: Withdrawn–is he secretive? Is he trying out the tall (average), dark, and secret routine? Who knows! Drifter mentality, will he stay? Should he go? Has picked up smoking on the tail-end of his service and it’s something he’s continued to indulge in. He buys cheap cigarettes, they taste like crap but they get the job done.

POSITIVE TRAIT(S): Patient. Dedicated. Adaptive. Polite. Good-humoured.

NEGATIVE TRAIT(S): Distant. Quiet. Passive. Pessimistic.

WEAKNESSES: Lack of stability. A stranger in a tight-knit community. A lack of sleep is dangerous, heavy on his health–heavy on his being, his soul. He is so tired.

STRENGTHS: Physical labour. Hard-working to a frankly, kind of alarming level. Does he feel like he has something to prove? If so, then to whom? Fairly unshakeable, strong stomach–both in the sense of reality (he has eaten some truly dogshit food) and that he simply can look upon man-made horrors without flinching.

PROUD OF: It’s a quiet pride. His art. The notes of a story long in the works, years really–scribbled in the margins, on napkins and slips and paper tucked into the pages of dog-eared novels. He’s proud of his service, whilst able to note the particular sour note of it all.

EMBARRASSED BY: His lack of fashion. The simplicity of it. The odd one out. His stories, previously indulged in for escapism from his childhood, into his youth and even into his adult years. His piss poor ability at cooking–which is nonexistent.

FEARS/PHOBIAS: It sounds…predictable. The loud noises. The bangs, the explosive punctuation of fireworks. What was once considered so beautiful, brings forth memories better called nightmares.

SECRETS: Has a long running sci-fi adventure story that he’s been working and reworking since he was young, it’s the kind of embarrassing secret that he feels he’s too old to have.

REGRETS: Has he wasted his life? Does he regret what he has done? Will he ever get the sand out of his hair? The feeling of the grit in his mouth and the way his skin feels too hot even in the dead of night. What else could he have been? Hadn’t he gone into the service because he had no other ambition?

ANGERED BY: The standard sorts of things. Of unkindness and cruelty in society. Irrationally angered by the ticking of clocks, his watch is barely tolerable on a good day but it’s the kind of thing he feels naked without.

CALMED BY: A pencil in hand working at a sketch–getting his emotions out in the only way he really knows how. There’s other ways, less-productive ways like exercise and hands balled into fists working away at a sandbag.

MOST AT EASE WHEN: Stretched out on the cot in his quarters, arms folded behind his head shrouded in the darkness of night with the sounds of nature all around.

SOFT SPOT: Cats. Cute animals, be them big or small.

IN A CRISIS: Professional. Calm. On point. Definitely someone you want on your side. Someone you look to for direction.

UNDER PRESSURE: Unflappable. His level head is a source of comfort for his peers.

IN AWKWARD SOCIAL SITUATIONS: He really wishes he wasn’t here right now. Either aiming to blow it off with humour that leans towards self-deprecating or something just as awkward as the situation he’s currently in.

CAN HE KEEP A SECRET? Yes.

PEOPLE ARE INHERENTLY….Good.

SPIRITUAL BELIEFS: Former Catholic. Now Agnostic. There’s gotta be something out there. How it will judge him once his time finally comes keeps him up at night.

DAY or NIGHT? Night. It’s quiet and comfortable, cool and welcoming. The bugs are a pain in the rear but that seems to be a constant whether it’s the desert sun overhead or the warm glow of the country.

PESSIMIST or OPTIMIST? The pessimist who was once a shaky sort of optimist. Dipped his toe in that pool once upon a time and found it lacking.

BIG PICTURE or SMALL DETAILS? Small details. It’s easier that way. Get through things one day at a time.

IMPORTANT EVENTS IN LIFE:

Born September 24, 1983

Elder brother left the family in 1993

Enrolled in the U.S. Army in 2001

Left the military in 2022

Took up residence in East Haven in 2023

SHORT-TERM GOALS:

Finish filling up the current sketchbook he’s working through.

Get some sleep.

Check out more of town.

Become a member of the local gym.

Pick up more hours at the farm, maybe get a second job.

See if he can find where Johnny’s hanging his hat these days.

LONG-TERM GOALS:

Decide on whether he wants to stay in town or not.

If staying, get an apartment.

Maybe look into adopting a cat.

Build bridges. Connections with his peers. Friends.

Get in contact with his family again, try and pick up where they left off. Or at the very least, try and find a niche he can fill.

LIKE(S): Animals. Movies. Art. The great outdoors. Keeping busy. A hot meal–trying new food, something he doesn’t have to cook because that’s a sure way to get a case of food poisoning.

DISLIKE(S): Holidays. Loud music (a shame). Cold weather. Big cities. Most sweets.

FAVOURITE FOOD(S): Will eat most anything and can stomach most anything without complaint. Likes most meat dishes, roasted vegetables. Loves most hot meals.

FAVOURITE DRINK(S): Lemonade. Something stronger slipped in, prefers cold drinks–a strong cup of coffee every morning where the temperature doesn’t matter.

FAVOURITE ANIMAL(S): Cats.

FAVOURITE SEASON: Fall.

FAVOURITE EXPLETIVE(S): How could he possibly choose?

#[[ this is a long post watch out ]]#easthavenintro #;intro

1 note · View note

rajputindiancuision · 2 years

Text

Rajput Indian Cuisine: A Gateway to India

Paul Chhabra, the civic-minded, seasoned restaurateur who’s been broadening Hampton Roadsters’ palates with biryanis, bharthas and basmati for over three decades, is pulsing with boyish energy early this morning as he pulls up in a U-Haul to a storefront at Chesapeake’s Crossways Shopping Center.

It’s the site of his newest enterprise, Rajput Indian Eats. Some of the equipment on order had hit one of those inevitable supply chain snags, and, anxious to open as soon as possible post-Labor Day, he’d gone and picked up the goods himself on a 90-something-degree summer’s day.

He hands me a press release that explains in the stilted language of press releases: “Rajput Indian Eats mission is to serve Indian cuisine in an approachable way for American consumers by utilizing formats that are recognizably mainstream.” Then he goes on to affably explain with his beguiling lilt, “I was tired of hearing people say they were afraid to try Indian food because it’s too spicy.”

He also wanted to reach those too intimated to go to one of his two full-service Rajput Indian Cuisine restaurants (hospitably run in Suffolk by his wife Kiran and in Norfolk by his son Nipun) unless they had an experienced friend to sherpa them through a menu of potentially unfamiliar dishes.

So, stripping away the splendid trappings of those well-established restaurants, this latest addition to the family business is fast-casual. Chhabra still insists on top-quality ingredients prepared in an attractive environment (natural wood walls accented by the colors of the Indian flag: saffron, white, fertile green), but you’ll order at a kiosk or the counter – perhaps from a QR code in your car – and your food will be brought to you. Afterwards, bus your own table. Panera-style paneer, if you will.

He rebuts the “scary spice” promulgaters by noting the many mild dishes throughout India’s varied regions (hello, butter chicken, for starters). And Chhabra presents an array of options – meat-rich, vegetarian, vegan, gluten-free, halal – representing not just the major northern and southern divide, but the subcontinent’s distinct states and the lands once encompassed by ancient India. So along with tandoori (clay-oven-roasted) chicken, emanating from Punjab (Chhabra’s homeland), and vindaloo, a Portuguese-inspired curry dish from Goa, Rajput Indian Eats offers Afghani kebabs, Nepalese momos (dumplings) and a goat stew popular in Lahore.

By serving them in this express way, Chhabra hopes more people will be game to taste these flavorful, fragrant foods. He even developed his own online takeout and delivery software called GrabKnock (“Get it, grab, knock,” he says while excitedly acting out each word to highlight the aptness of the name), born of his frustration with the system he had been using for his restaurants. Customers can still use platforms like DoorDash, Uber Eats and Grubhub for all the Rajputs, but with GrabKnock, there’s no upcharge.

He puts customers in the driver’s seat further by allowing them to direct the composition of curry bowls (start with a green or a grain, pick a main such as chicken tikka masala, top with vegetables – maybe cucumber, red onions, jalapenos and/or sweet corn – and a sauce from mild like tamarind or mint chutney to hot and, finally, select garnishes including fried onions, cilantro and chickpea noodles) and kathi rolls (begin by choosing your bread – roti or naan – then a green or a grain, a main such as lamb seekh kebab, and then the same vegetable toppings, sauces and garnishes as for the curry bowls).

There’s a plethora of traditional street foods (delineated as small plates) including samosas, potatoes, and a vegetable naan pizza. But if you’re looking for a full meal, you’d go for the thali (also called platters) that incorporate a main dish, vegetables, legumes and dessert.

The Americanization of menu items is notable. Kathi rolls are likened to wraps, and under beverages, where hot or iced coffees and chai teas can be accented with cardamom, cloves or cinnamon, a lassi (delectable in mango or guava or litchi) is listed as a yogurt shake.

Such Duolingo-ing of food in the United States is on trend and the subject of a recent Washington Post article pitting purists who complain that such wordplay can lead to skewed depictions of international cuisines against latitudinarians who posit that it helps speak to a wider audience. Would rose water by any other name smell as sweet?

Chhabra diplomatically navigates the choppy nomenclature seas by using his menu to explain and suggest and, in so doing, bridges a gap, balancing both sides. Ultimately, Eats is all about ease. It’s also committed to sustainability, eschewing Styrofoam for recyclable and reusable containers, employing energy star appliances and featuring sensor/touchless restrooms.

Chhabra shares that Rajput India Eats’ grab-and-go set up could be a launching pad for his cloud kitchen concept and a virtual franchise restaurant model for a range of fast-casual South Asian eateries such as Punjabi Eats, Himalayan Eats or Vegan Eats. I sense he’d love to chat about it all day, but he’s got a plane to catch. He’s headed to South America and Latin America; seven cities in seven days. Ostensibly a vacation, he’ll no doubt wind up conducting Indian culinary demonstrations at every stop just as he does whenever he travels. Always in consultant mode, he wants to help other restaurateurs grow. “It’s my passion,” he says. “Or destiny.”

1 note · View note

god-whispers · 2 years

Text

jul 2

denomination or doctrine

"and the glory which You gave Me I have given them, that they may be one just as We are one." john 17:22

how far have we strayed from being united together as one in the body of Christ. i look around at all the denominations we have made of this one simple truth. "and this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent." john 17:3

denominations are man's making. satan has always tried to drive a wedge between believers in hopes that they will never come to the true knowledge of who they are in Christ Jesus. the enemy even tried to divide the early church with disputes among the brethren. peter spoke of paul's epistles as having some things in them that were hard to understand. therefore interpretations vary. i warn you to follow scripture instead of denominational teaching. if disagreement arises, then maybe you are in the wrong denomination. maybe you are just "christian".

we are all products of what we have always known and been taught. eventually, we learn to think for ourselves, and we come to a crossroads. are we going to stay where we are, or are we going to study, learn, grow, and acknowledge that we don't know it all -- and we never will.

ff a person wants to grow in his knowledge of who God is, there must be a consistent choice to evaluate what we know and prayer for God to show us where we are in error. if we are given an opportunity to share with others, we must learn to share with an attitude of humility, ever mindful that we are still learning. isn't it amazing that God chooses to use each of us, no matter where we are in our process of growth and knowledge of who He is? aren't you grateful that any work done in the heart of another is a work only He can do and all we have to do is speak what has been revealed to us? nothing is too hard for Him!

it disturbs me when i see some godly people spending their entire time trying to tear down another's beliefs. they think they are "defending" the message of the gospel when they are wounding the body. (i agree some truths need defending.) some defend their beliefs like they were defending the faith. i don't care if you baptist, catholic, methodist or charismatic, none are perfect or exclusive. i know it is easy for fleshly actions to creep into any denomination, be it emotional or pharisaical. let's face it, the thief on the cross had no doctrine at all except a trust in the One next to Him.

"for i determined not to know anything among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified." 1 cor 2:2 paul did get into doctrinal teaching later, but it wasn't (to him) essentially necessary to the gospel. let's face it, none of us are going to get it all one hundred percent right until Jesus comes.

i'd like to add a little side note here if i could. i have several muslims friends and they have kindly received my daily writings. (a good testimony to them is they often honor Jesus more than we christians do.) i don't claim to be an expert in the islam faith. i do know they believe Jesus (Issa) was a prophet sent from God. He performed many great miracles when He was here, even raising the dead. if i understand correctly, they also believe He is coming again and will be a witness against them in the day of judgment.

while i believe He is God incarnate and died for my sins, i know muslims do not and no words will convince someone otherwise. it takes a personal realization of Who He is. only the Holy Spirit can do that. i would simply ask one thing. this Jesus who the quran bestows so much honor on Him and His mother, just talk to Him and ask Him to reveal the truth to you. i believe His testimony will be truth. muslims are children of abraham too and believe there is only one God. in that we agree. can us start there.

many wear the name christian lightly not realizing the significance it entails. we are followers of the messiah. we should be imitators of Him in every way. we command in the power and authority He has given to us in His name. "Lord, even the demons are subject to us in Your name." luke 10:17

i often think of denominations as i do of different translations of the bible. they are all saying essentially the same thing. (some in different words perhaps to expound on scripture's meaning.) it's not the exact words that matter. the jews were meticulous when copying from scroll to scroll and we are glad they maintained the integrity of the word. but we are not in the letter of the law now. we are in the Spirit of truth. "it is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing. the words that I speak to you are spirit, and they are life." john 6:63 it's the essence - the meaning - that matters.

Jesus asked the Father that we might be as one. i don't think the Father would refuse to grant Him that request. we shall be one and when we are, we will indeed have become "those who turn the world upside down. maranatha!

0 notes

firstbeachgoblin · 3 years

Note

Hey! I hope you’re well, can i request an imagine where reader is Embry’s imprint and they haven’t seen eachother in months because reader has a life she can’t just drop for him but she comes back when the pack is blowing up her phone ? Thank youu and don’t worry if you don’t write it, it’s fine!

Thank you for the request! It took a Long time But It's now complete with a total whopping 5k words!! Any way I hope you enjoy the fic.

I put it under the cut because it's so long but it's my brain baby at the moment lo.

Returning to you.

Embry Call x Reader

5058 words

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Most of my life has been spent in the Forks area so getting to travel to Europe for six months to see the art and culture was a dream come true. The past four months I’ve been travelling through Europe, starting in Greece and ending my trip in the Irish countryside.

The old art and architecture filled me with a joy that I could not get anywhere else in the world. The smells, sounds and sights all played their own part into the experience. I got to see the moon rise over Mount Olympus, the David by Michelangelo in the Vatican, tour through the Louvre, drink wine on the beaches of France and so much more. I’ve been living my best life.

It's been a dream to see the world, I've met so many new people and tried so much food. I’ve enjoyed every minute of my trip, but there was a part of me that longed for the beaches of La Push.

That part is Embry. Embry Call. My boyfriend, my pal, my love and my light. To me Embry is my everything and to him I’m his everything. That is one thing that has been made perfectly clear the past four months I’ve been away. Every day he’s told me he misses me and I know he means it, I’ve been told not just by him but also the rest of the pack.

Everyday I’ve woken up to ‘Good morning I miss you.” Sometimes he phones to tell me that he feels like he might die if I’m away for any longer. I always chuckle and tell him he will survive, it’s not like I’m going away forever; but that's what he feels like it is. This usually earns me a long winded whine from the other end of the line.

My phone buzzed against the smooth surface of the bedside table while Embry’s face flashed across my screen signalling that he’s calling. A smile graces my lips as I pick up the phone to be greeted with his loving voice.

“Hi (y/n)!! I miss you so much.” sadness was laced in his usual cheery greeting, it hurt my heart to be away from him but I would never trade this experience for anything. I’ve been planning this for years and I wasn’t going to pass up cheap plane tickets.

He filled me in on the pack's shenanigans, complaining about how they keep teasing him for being glued to his phone awaiting any updates I would send him. The later it got the heavier my eyelids seemed to feel, my speech started to slur with exhaustion of time zones while Embry continued to become more energetic with each passing minute.

“Em. . .” A yawn interrupted me mid sentence, a low whine emanated from the phone as he knew I would want to get to bed to have the energy for the long trip I’ll embark on tomorrow for Ireland, which is my last stop. I’d be spending the remaining two months of my trip in the lush countryside.

“I think I should get to sleep, I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow.” I mumbled into the phone.

“But (y/n)!” he dragged out. I knew he wanted to talk longer but I physically cannot do it. Even though Embry and I don’t live together officially yet, we’d talk into the early morning till one of us fell asleep.

“But (y/n) what?” I dragged out the ‘a’ matching his whine.

“I miss you and want you to come home.” I could hear him pause over line before he continued.

“Besides, sleeping isn’t the same without you.”

I ran my hand through my hair gently tugging on the roots easing the tension that’s built up over my trip. As much fun as I’ve had, he does have a point. Sleeping just isn’t the same without Em. My nights have been spent restless in beds that aren’t mine without the comforting touch of my boyfriend; but that doesn’t mean I can just drop everything and go back home.

“Em you know I can’t just pack everything and go home. . .” I looked at the painting that hung over the tv that sat opposite of my bed. A puppy-like whimper fell from his lips when he spoke again, his voice cracked like he was going to cry. It broke my heart hearing him upset.

“I-I know I just really miss you.”

“I know Embry I miss you too, but it’s only two more months then I’ll be home.”

We chatted for ten more minutes before I fell asleep on the phone. As much as I missed falling asleep in his warm embrace I can’t just fly back home, not yet at least.

The blaring of my alarm woke me from my slumber. The clock face read 6:02 a.m. taking everything within myself to peel back the blankets that encased me in their warm grip. I patted through the bed sheets to find my phone only to knock it onto the floor in the process.

My lock screen adorned a photo of Embry with icing smudged across his face from his birthday party but a swamp of text messages from the pack covered my favourite photo of him. Five texts from Leah, seven from Jake, nine texts from Paul, 12 texts and two missed calls from Sam and a whole group chat titled ‘(y/n) come home.’

The group chat kept pinging with the members of the pack who were still awake discussing the logistics of flying out to Ireland to take me back home. Was Embry really causing that much strife in the pack for them to create a group chat? Knowing him, it couldn’t be too far from the truth.

Leah and I call once a week to check in and make sure the other is doing okay since I left. It’s one of my favourite parts of the week being able to have a one on one with someone sensible. Every week she fills me in on Embry begrudgingly, she does it because she knows it makes me happy which I appreciate.

Reading through her texts she didn’t say much in regards to Em’s behaviour the only message relating to him was “come get your man child please, he’s getting snot on the floor.”

I listened through Sam’s voice mails which were begging me to come home, he informed me that once Em knew I was asleep he started moping around Emily’s house again for the fourth consecutive night in a row. This was news to me.

The texts entailed that Embry was becoming a pain on patrol and that Paul ‘couldn’t take another minute of the incessant whining.’ I told them the same thing I told Embry; I’m not dropping everything and rushing back home to sooth the wails of a love sick boy. There isn’t much I can do from across the ocean anyway.

I stretched my body and headed towards the bathroom to brush my teeth and shower before I had to leave for the airport.

I packed the few remaining things I left out to prepare for the flight and headed my way to the lobby to check out. I enjoyed travelling but I wasn’t going to miss sleeping in hotels and hostels.

Two weeks have passed since I touched down in Ireland and to say I’ve been having the time of my life is an understatement; I’ve been having a ball living my best life.

The land was capped in a luscious emerald green sea of grass that waved in the wind, the roads were lined with hand built stone walls that marked the division of farmers fields.

Sheep and cattle grazed in pastures, and old castles dotted the countryside. It was gorgeous. It was a view that I wanted to see again, a view I want to see with Embry.

It felt like time was flying by between sight seeing, trail hiking, museum tours and calls with Embry and Leah. It has already been a month. I had one more month before I was to jet set back to the U.S. and see my Embry.

One more month before I was back in La Push surrounded by the scent of sea water and trees with the looming threat of rain constantly overhead except in the summer. For two months of the year La Push was bright and sunny with the expected summer storms that happened.

I had fallen asleep on the phone with Embry again when I realized my phone was lost in the sea of sheets as it buzzed with an incoming phone call.

I couldn’t find it until the call had gone to voicemail and my phone landed on the ground when I gave up and ripped the blankets off of the bed but whoever called must have felt it was really important. Picking up my phone the most unflattering photo of Jacob was plastered on the screen, his name in white.

“Hello?” I asked groggily into the phone, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. I looked over at the clock which said in bold red numbers 1 am.

“Hey (y/n)! You sound like you just woke up.” I heard him chortle from the other end.

“That’s because I just woke up Jake, it’s one in the morning.” a yawn escaped my lips, I know I’ll have a rough time getting over jet lag when I go home.

He occupied twenty minutes with idle chatter and borderline interrogation about all the sights I’ve seen before I asked him why he was calling me so early in the morning

“Embry has spent the week at my house, you need to come home there’s nothing we can do anymore to occupy him till you return.” He sighed, Jake knows I want to finish my trip but we made a deal that I would come home early if there were absolutely no options left to keep Embry from sending the pack into hysterics.

I knew he was buttering me up for something.

“Are you sure you can’t figure something out? It’s just another month!”

“Another month of him eating my cereal and getting dirt on me from my dad!”

I snorted with laughter at the fact that Billy was telling Embry every embarrassing detail from his childhood.

“Jake please just let me think about it okay?” I sighed, flopping back into my hollowed cave of blankets and sheets.

“Okay, I’ll let you think about it but don’t think I won’t be telling Sam.” he warned.

We laughed together and he wished me a good night before hanging up the phone, before I slipped back into slumber I sent Jake one more text.

‘You wake me up at one in the morning again and it’s over for you.’ in which he responded with ‘Oh no I’m so scared lol.’

I reached over to the bedside table and plugged my phone in before the sweet embrace of warmth and slumber took over my senses.

The next three days I was bombarded with texts from Paul whining about the wolf mind link and how every patrol shift he had with Embry was spent tuning out his constant thoughts of me.

Standing in the shower with hot water running over my skin soothing my tense muscles I heard my phone buzz against the granite countertop. I rolled my eyes and continued to bask in the endless hotel hot water.

As bad as staying in hotels could be, the hot water made up for the early breakfast and sheets that were tucked in a little too tightly.

I had shampoo in my hair when my phone started buzzing again, this time with a call. I grumbled under the stream of water washing away the soap before it could get in my eyes; whoever's calling can wait.

I moved on to conditioning my hair, letting it sit while I wash the rest of my body with a lightly scented lavender soap.

I refused to use the complimentary soap because it dried out my skin and the lotion just left me feeling sticky instead of moisturized.

Watching the soap run down the drain my phone rang again, I clenched my fists, who could possibly be calling me now? I still refused to get out of my steamy heaven to answer my phone.

My gut told me that whoever was calling wouldn’t let up until I answered. I washed out the conditioner from my hair and wrapped it in a towel.

The mirror was coated in a layer of steam, the tiles were cool against my feet. I wrapped the plush towel around my body, mopping up the droplets of water that remained.

My phone started vibrating with rapid fire text messages from the pack’s group chat they made a month ago. I sighed, picking it up to sift through the messages. I read a message from Jared telling me he’d pay me to return.

The pack always made me laugh, together they’re a walking sitcom. There is never a dull moment with them, someone always had something witty or sarcastic to say.

I checked to see who had called me and it turned out it was Sam, I listened to his voice mails and immediately phoned him back.

As soon as I hit the call button it only rang for half a second before he picked up.

“Thank you for calling back, I thought I’d have to call two more times.” he chuckled.

“Well I was in the middle of a shower, can’t really take a call there.” I moved through the room with my phone pressed between my shoulder and cheek. Stopping at my suitcase to pick out what I was going to wear for the day.

“I’m going to be frank with you, I need you to come home. . .” I let out a huff before he continued.

“Embry needs you badly, he’s just a pile of mush on the floor now. It’s a chore to get him up to go on patrol. Please?”

“Fine, I’ll see what I can do Sam, I’ll try to book a flight for the earliest date I can find.” I knew I was giving in but from what they were telling me and the constant texts were getting to be difficult to manage.

“Thank you, when you get back I’ll buy you take out for a month okay?”

“I hate that you know what my weakness is.” I laughed through the phone, a month of free take out? Hell yeah. It made the prospect of going back a little brighter since I wasn’t going to complete the rest of my trip.

I wasn’t losing out on too much though, I had seen and done everything that I wanted. It wouldn’t be too bad to go home early.

We talked for a couple more minutes before parting ways, I threw my phone on the bed and watched it bounce a couple times before turning my attention back to getting dressed. Since I had a flight to book it was okay to spend the rest of the day lounging in pj’s.

The soft fabric of my pj’s brushed against my skin as I jumped into bed with my computer in hand, and now it was time to book a flight back home. Maybe text Paul and tell him he can quit complaining as well.

I woke up the next morning with my flight booked for take off in the afternoon and my daily good morning text from Embry. I felt a little sad to be leaving such a beautiful country but the trees, ocean and Embry all called my name.

Pacing through the room I grabbed the comfiest set of clothes I packed for my return flight back to Seattle, I had enough time to sleep on the plane to be conscious enough for the three and a half hour drive back to La Push.

I was set for a long day ahead of me but it was going to be worth it in the end, seeing the bright and happy face of my boyfriend, getting to hug him and kiss him again.

I made one last check of the room before I gathered my clothes and toiletry kit and made my way into the bathroom to shower before my long flight. As I was stepping into the shower my phone pinged from the counter with a text from Sam.

“Have you booked that flight yet?” it read.

“Yeah I’m due for take off at 1. I should be back in La Push some time tomorrow!”

My fingers brushed the cool surface of the counter top as I put my phone back and got into the shower, hot water immediately running down my back; this time my phone wasn’t being blown up by a desperate wolf pack trying to get my attention.

I can’t sit in the shower for hours on end this time, I have a flight to catch and a boy to surprise. Embry was currently still under the impression that I would be coming home in two weeks. Boy would he be in for a surprise.

The residual steam wafted out of the bathroom while I brushed my teeth revealing my towel wrapped body and hair in the mirror behind the skin. I checked the time and noted that I had two hours to check out, make my way to the airport, and check into my flight back home. Two more hours before I could smell the trees and ocean, two more hours before I could see my friends and hug Embry.

The time managed to move by in a blur by the time I was shutting the trunk of the yellow cab that was going to drop me off at the airport. I got into the back seat and the driver peeled away from the hotel front onto the winding roads.

“Aye where are you headin’?” The driver inquired in a thick Irish accent.

One thing I noticed in my stay here was that the accent changed in every town or village I passed through. It added to the charm

“Well, I’m on my way home after spending six months in Europe.” My eyes scanned over the green hills that rushed past in a blur.

“My favourite places I’ve been have definitely been Ireland and Greece.” I smiled towards him.

The lines around his eyes crinkled with the smile that graced his face at the mention of Ireland.

“Well that’s good to hear innit? Glad you’ve enjoyed your stay. We welcome ya with open arms if you return.”

We held a light conversation until we arrived in front of the drop off area for passengers, thanked him and grabbed my bags before heading into the crowded lobby.

The front of the terminal was metal and glass that reached towards the heavens with automatic doors gaping open like a mouth. Inside was a dull white with light grey floor which my shoes clicked against with each step.

It was packed with people like a can of sardines, I weaved my way through the masses towards the check in desk which thankfully only had a short line to get through.

Under the mix of fluorescents and natural light the desk lady’s bags that donned under her eyes glared with visible exhaustion from the mass amounts of people that swarmed the terminal.

Despite her clear drowsiness she still greeted me with a warm smile and a soft hello.

I grabbed my ticket and thanked her then turned and pushed myself through to the security check, dropped my luggage off and took a seat to wait for the boarding call for my flight.

As I waited grey clouds started to fill the sky blocking out the little sun that was once shining in its place.

My eyes grew heavier by each minute that passed, waiting could be hard, but waiting in an airport where there’s no sense of time is worse. So I distracted myself by people watching.

A lady was bouncing her baby, the old man across from me was snoring. A businessman paced back and forth speaking urgently into his phone, a family chatted excitedly for their family trip to the Canary Islands.

I pulled my eyes away from them as the call for my flight rang out over the crowded terminal, grabbing my suitcase and making my way towards the gate.

Excitement filled my every step as the anticipation grew and bubbled inside me. I gave the greeting flight attendant a small smile and made my way to my seat, for being last minute I managed to get a window seat.

We sat on the tarmac for twenty minutes before taking off and before I knew it the seat belt light pinged off and I was fast asleep jet setting my way back to America, back to my home.

I couldn’t tell what time it was when I woke up but the clock on the tv screen said 2 a.m. and that we’re due to arrive in an hour. I sat up in my seat and gazed out the window into the starry night sky.

Energy started to course through me as I watched the arrival time tick closer and closer. A light rain misted down over Seattle as I left the Seatac terminal and made my way through the maze of cars in the night that was made darker by the rain.

I spotted my blue Subaru and popped the trunk so my interior and seats wouldn’t get wet. It had been a long six months since I last sat in my driver's seat, the wheel almost felt foreign in my hands as I turned the key and listened to the engine roar to life.

I drove through the winding roads of the city to the Seattle-Bainbridge Ferry to take the 45 minute ride into Bainbridge and headed North to get on the 101 then turn onto 110 which would take me back into the heart of La Push.

The closer I got to Forks the brighter the sky became; well as bright as it could be on a gloomy day. The clouds became painted in the glow of purple and pink as the sun rose over the horizon, the rain had let up and left me with an overcast sky for the remainder of the drive back.

Since I slept virtually the entire flight back I didn’t feel the weight of exhaustion at all, but surely when I arrived back in the arms of Embry I knew I’d hit the wall with sleep deprivation.

As I barreled through the corridor of trees I passed the signature ‘welcome to Forks’ sign and turned right onto the 110, twenty minutes to home. I was so close but my soul felt like it was light years away.

The clock on my radio told me that it was currently 6:45, the pinks and purples that coated the sky faded away to the typical grey that fills my senses with delight. Sea salt and washed up kelp started to seep into the air that circulated into my car making the hair on the back of my neck stand on end.

Closer to Beach Drive I got the stronger the smell of the ocean became. The turn signal clicked as I turned onto the road that gave way to Sam and Emily’s house so they could take me over to Embry’s in the off chance that he happened to be awake at this hour.

It’s highly unlikely that he would be up at this hour but it’s not something I could be one hundred percent positive about. I stepped out of my car and turned around to see Emily running as fast as she possibly could towards me with open arms and a huge smile plastered across her face.

Dropping my bags I dashed across their lawn into her embrace.

“Oh (y/n)! I missed you so much, you must be so tired.” She released me from her hug and settled her hands on my shoulders giving them a gentle squeeze.

“I missed you too Emily, I knew I’d be tired but not this tired.” I chuckled while wiping at my under eyes in a feeble attempt to wipe away the exhaustion.

She put her hand on my lower back and led me inside for the awaiting cup of tea while Sam moved my bags into his truck.

The warmth of their home embraced me, the comfort of their kitchen was familiar. The only thing missing was the rowdy group of boys that made up the pack who usually occupied every available seat in the home.

I took a seat at the kitchen table where three cups of tea sat waiting, I should have expected a q and a when I returned. Wrapping my hands around the mug the warmth that radiated from it filled my hands.

Emily took a seat beside me and Sam entered through the door and sat adjacent to both of us.

“So how was the trip?” We sat around their table chatting until our cups were empty and filed out of the house into the early morning air.

“Emily and I will drive your car back to your place after I drop you off at Embry’s, the kid’s been sleeping in my living room more often than I’d appreciate.” Sam’s eyes crinkled with a smile, I knew he was joking but at the same time there was truth to his words; and honestly I couldn’t blame him.

“Thank you for putting up with him while I was gone, I owe you guys one and you owe me take out for a month.” He rolled his eyes and ruffled my hair turning into the Call's driveway. Embry’s mom had already left for work leaving him to his own devices; which meant he would sleep in as late as his heart desired.

We got out of Sam’s truck and he dropped my bags on the doorstep. I turned and gave him a quick hug and a thank you before sticking my key into the lock.

The door creaked open and I dragged my suitcases to a stop in their front entry way and shut it behind me.

My shoes landed on the floor with a soft thud and I gingerly walked up the stairs to ensure I wasn’t too noisy while making sure to avoid the one squeaky stair.

I got to the top of the stairs and hung a left down their light beige hallway that gave way to the oak door that guarded Embry’s room. His soft snores filtered through the door, it’s door knob was cool in my hand. Making an audible click with the turn of my wrist.

Dark mahogany brown hair peaked up from beneath the sheet that tucked Embry’s body out of view. One pillow was on the floor while the other was tucked firmly between his cheek and arm, I smiled at the sight of my sleeping boyfriend which filled my every inch with the utmost joy.

My sock covered feet pressed into the carpeted flooring with each step I took towards his bed making sure to step over the piles of dirty clothes that were scattered around the room.

The sun filtered through the gaps in the window blinds casting pools of golden light on the floor and along his walls causing the crystal prism that hung above his closet to sweep dashes of colour across his walls.

I pulled back the grey top sheet to reveal his peaceful face and I swear my heart was going to burst with the amount of love that I feel for him. His hair was tousled in every direction and a cow lick stuck straight up on the left side of his head.

My hands ran over his hair, smoothing it out while I whispered his name. Embry groaned a bit and rolled over, I whispered his name a little bit louder and moved my hands from his hair to his shoulders running them along his arms finally waking him from his slumber.

“Hi Em!” I gushed out as his brown eyes opened and focused on me. His face split with his toothy smile and his arms shot around me, pulling me down into his chest.

“Do you know how much I missed you?” Embry mumbled into my hair.

“I figured a lot with the amount of texts I got from the pack.” I reached up brushing the hair from his face.

“You can never leave me for that long again. . .I didn’t know what to do without you here.” He ran his hands through my hair placing a gentle kiss upon the top of my head.

“I was so worried about you. I couldn’t protect you and make sure you were safe.”

“Well next time I’ll make sure you can come, then you don’t have to worry.” Craning my neck up I placed a kiss upon his lips which were still a bit swollen from slumber.

“The important thing is that I returned safe and in one piece. The other important thing is I get to spoil you with the gifts I brought back!”

His laugh filled the room sending vibrations through my body.

“Hey! That’s my job to spoil you, not the other way around.” He ruffled my hair causing us both to laugh. I peeled off my socks and wiggled my way under his blanket.

“I think it’s time we catch up on six months worth of cuddling.” I poked a finger into his side.

“Yeah I think that’s a good idea, you owe me for being gone so long.”

“What? I came back early!” His hands made their way under my shirt to rest on the bare skin of my back sending waves of heat through my body from being pressed into him. Oh how I missed my heater.

“Yeah, by like what? Two weeks?” his silky voice chuckled out.

“I missed you Embry.” I told him, placing a kiss on his exposed shoulder.

“I missed you too. Now let's go back to sleep, you look tired.” He said to me as he rested his chin atop my head and pulling me closer.

#embry call imagine #embry call x reader #twilight wolves #twilight wolf pack #twilight renaissance #twilight revival #twilight saga #wolf pack #embry call #jared cameron #jacob black #sam uley #paul lahote #quil ateara #seth clearwater #leah clearwater

707 notes · View notes

babymetaldoll · 3 years

Text

DIWK - Chapter four: "Hurt"

Words count: 13,7K

The gif is mine ✨

Warnings: Hardcore Spencer trauma. Mention of drug abuse, torture, Criminal Minds usual case triggers. Spoilers of Season 2 E14/15 Criminal Minds.

Summary: An unsub abducts Spencer, and reader blames JJ for it.

A/N: Have you ever wished you were there to save Spencer from Tobias Hankel? I know I have. I know reader wants to... I'm dying to know what you'll think of this chapter! Sorry if it's a little too graphic, writing Spencer's POV of this episode was really hard.

Series Masterlist

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

(Y/N)'s point of view

I remember the day Emily Prentiss arrived. We had a case in Saint Louis. Two serial killers, 'cos it couldn't just be one asshole making everyone miserable. And on top of all, Hotch was confused and upset 'cos he never signed Emily's transfer to the BAU. It was like someone was trying to force her into the team, and we all thought it was weird.

We left the bullpen off to the case and left Prentiss in the office, not knowing if she actually got the job or not. I know Elle and I weren't incredibly close, but it still felt weird to think someone might join the team and try to replace her. It didn't work that way in that job. It didn't feel right at the moment.

There is something I also distinctly remember about that day: Gideon talked to me. And not only that, but he actually trusted my knowledge. We hadn't been on the best terms for a few months, so that approach meant a lot to me.

We were at the police station. Reid and I had been analyzing the letters one of the killers had sent to a journalist to find something that might help us catch him before there were any more victims. That's when JJ and Jason walked in, and he asked about our progress.

- "He only sent this to an individual, which shows he is not confident enough to initiate contact with the masses."- Spencer explained as he projected an image of the letter on the wall.

- "Emotional indicators are analyzed through slants, and you can see the shooter maintains vertical, narrow letter writing, and both are signs of repression"- I said and pointed at the image on the wall- "And the pressure, if you look closely, it's excessively heavy, which shows that he's uptight and can easily overreact."

Gideon looked at me and nodded. It was my cue to keep on talking. For once in a long time, I was feeling approved by him.

- "You got all that from his handwriting?"- JJ asked me, surprised. Reid looked at me from the other side of the room, and I could feel his smile reflecting how proud he was of me.

- "Graphology is an effective and reliable indicator of personality and behavior."

- "But my writing is always different,"- she added, and I nodded. I was waiting for that comment.

- "Yes, because it represents your emotions at the moment, just like your facial expressions parallel the way you are feeling while you are speaking."

- "What else can we know about our unsub from this?"- Gideon asked me.

- "Well, our killer uses simple statements, all first person, like "I won't be ignored," which means he's obviously tired of feeling this way. He may have a job in solitude or one that he feels strips of his identity. His work might require him to wear a uniform, something that shows absolutely no individuality, or he may be overqualified for his menial job and feels that he doesn't get the respect that he necessarily deserves."

I made a pause and waited for his words. I was giving my best, and I swear I was still hoping I could ever get Jason Gideon's blessing.

- "I think we are ready to give a profile,"- he said and nodded.

And damn, that felt good.

When we were back in Quantico, Hotch had a long and clearly awkward conversation with the section chief, Erin Strauss. She was scary. She was clearly trying to get rid of Hotch, questioning his work daily, decisions, and how he managed the team. Why? I have no idea.

It felt she forced him to accept Prentiss into the team. We were one man down after Elle left. Ok, one awesome woman down, so we definitely needed some help. And Emily was a great addition from day one.

We clicked right away. Prentiss was funny, smart, but most of all, she constantly had to prove she deserved to be there. Just like me. Gideon gave her the cold shoulder from day one, and that I could relate. The only difference was that she won him over in a few days, though. I was still trying to win that battle.

Garcia decided we needed a girl's night, and she hosted the first of many "BAU Girl Power get together." Basically, it was us at Penelope's place drinking and talking.

That first night, we updated Prentiss with everything that had happened with Elle. She wanted to know everything about us, what we did, how long we've been on the team, and how we all got along. It was sweet and fresh. After that year in the BAU, I had already learned to enjoy the sweet things in life. Like getting drunk with my work girlfriends.

- "So, does Hotch ever smile?"- Emily asked, and we all laughed at the very same time. Yes, it was getting late, and we weren't as sober as we should have been.

- "He does! he does!"- JJ assured us- "You should see him with his baby."

- "He is a dad?"- Emily was shocked. I was surprised too when I found out Aaron was married and with a baby. The amount of time he spends at work always made me feel he had zero personal life.

- "And has a beautiful wife"- JJ added- "He is always laughing when he is with her and baby Jack."

- "I guess this job can drain the happiness from your day... "- I thought out loud, but before anyone could say anything about my dark and bitter comment, my cell phone rang.

- "Hey honey bunny, everything ok?"- I stood up and walked to the kitchen. I didn't want to interrupt the girl's conversations.

- "Yes, I just wanted to make sure you were drinking enough water between drinks"- I laughed and shook my head. Only Reid could call to say such a thing. He was the sweetest friend on earth.

- "Yes, I am, don't worry. I'm not going to be hungover or drunk tomorrow. I know you are excited about the new exposition."

- "You are gonna love it!"

- "I am sure I will"- and I wasn't kidding. I loved when he dragged me to the Smithsonian or any museum for some nerdy fun.

- "Have fun with the girls."

- "What are you doing, by the way?"

- "Just reading a little, you left your complete Sherlock Holmes collection here, so I'll be solving mysteries while you get drunk."

- "Don't have too much fun without me"- he chuckled and ended the call. I smiled and walked back to the girls looking at me with a funny grin on their faces.

- "Was that your boyfriend?"- Penelope asked me, and I frowned right away.

- "No, it was Reid. He just wanted to confirm we are going to the museum tomorrow."

- "Wait"- Prentiss narrowed her brows and looked at us confused- "Reid ain't your boyfriend?"

JJ and Garcia's laughter was epical, as well as my frown. They nearly gasped for air while Prentiss and I waited until they calmed down.

- "No"- I finally answered- "Reid is not my boyfriend."

- "He is more than that; he is her work husband,"- Penelope clarified, and I turned to her with my mouth wide open, shocked.

- "What the fuck? Reid ain't my work husband. He is my best friend!!"

- "Yes, and you happen to call your best friend "honey bunny," right?"- JJ questioned, just like she had a few months before when we were alone in our room away on a case.

- "Reid is my best friend, and yes, I call all my close friends by weird pet names. You will get one too if you are lucky."

- "But I thought"- Emily continued- "I mean, he looks at you like you are his sun."

- "No, Prentiss, the only coupe in this team is the one between "chocolate thunder" and "baby girl" right here"- I pointed at Garcia, and she just blushed and covered her face.

- "My love for Derek will burn forever with the intensity of a thousand suns. I mean, have you seen that man? he was made by the gods and sent to earth just to give my existence some sense"- we all laughed at those cheesy words, though Pen was serious about them.

- "But, have you ever...?- JJ looked at her and made a pause. We were all looking at every single facial movement or behavior she might show to read her body language."

- "My relationship with my loverman could never be tainted by something as mundane as sex."

- "Like you wouldn't lick honey from that six-pack and ride that thunder."

The words just left my lips, and I blame the buzz. BAU (Y/N) would have never said that. Drunk (Y/N) would, totally.

The girls laughed until tears fell from their eyes, and I just chuckled, honestly happy to make them laugh. I had been more of the real me than I had ever actually been around them in nearly a year.

- "Hello?"- my phone rang again when I was walking out of the bathroom. And this time, it was Paul.

- "Hey babe, what are you doing?"

- "Hey, I'm..."- I looked at the girls in front of me and sighed- "I'm stuck with paperwork"- and they turned to me immediately. I could read the "What the fuck" on their faces.

- "Well, I'm at Rob's in case you feel like dropping by. We are writing a few songs."

- "I'll text you if I finish with this early, but... have fun."

- "Ok, bye"- I hung up and sighed.

- "And that was..."- Prentiss asked, frowning.

- "My boyfriend,"- I explained and grabbed another beer

- "Sure, I could feel the passion,"- Garcia joked, but I just didn't think it was funny.

I knew my relationship with Paul wasn't alright. Actually, things with Paul weren't. Period. We were done, it was apparent, but still, neither of us had said it. That relationship was just a few phone calls every once in a while, only to make small talks. When we were together, we would just watch a movie, eat something, drink a few beers, and that was it. It had been a long time since we had sex or even made out. I don't know why I didn't end it sooner. I guess I was just afraid to do it.

But I let more months pass before I actually did something.

Spencer's point of view

I'm not proud of what happened that year after Prentiss joined the team. I think that year changed me profoundly, and a part of me never fully recovered afterward.

Maybe it had to be that way, and it was something I had to go through to grow up. I guess I'm still trying to make some sense of all the misery I put my friends through. Mostly (Y/N). She was in hell with me.

A few weeks after New Year, we started working on a case. Someone was killing wealthy people in their own homes. At first, we thought there were two unsubs, 'cos one of them called 911 after killing, and you could hear them struggling and arguing. But no, it was just one.

Tobias Hankel was a delusional serial killer. He had split personalities, not two but actually three. His father, the one who tortured me. The archangel Raphael, who was trying to make God's will, killing people. And himself, who wanted to save me, but instead, he nearly destroyed me.

What do I remember about the day he kidnapped me? I remember I was stupid enough to try to catch an unsub alone, just to prove I could take care of myself on the field. Hotch sent me and JJ to talk to Hankel at his house, 'cos apparently, he might have seen the unsub months earlier. But no, he was the unsub, and neither JJ nor me could stop him.

We hid in a barn, and I was so eager to prove I could catch him; I told JJ we had to split up to cover the place. I was counting on Hotch to get there with the team sooner than they did, and before I realized it, I was in the middle of a cornfield, and Hankel was pointing at me with my own gun.

I was sure I was going to die right there. All of Hankel's personalities were struggling inside of him. I couldn't stop thinking about why I thought I could do it on my own? Why had I been a reckless asshole? Was it because I wanted to prove I was an excellent SAA? Because I wanted to impress JJ? Maybe I tried to convince myself I could do the same job my team did. I knew I wasn't the most physical person, but I had a gun. I had been trained to capture killers.

Yes, I was an asshole that day, and I've regretted everything that happened that night many, many times in the following years.

When I woke up, I was tied to a chair, and the archangel Raphael had taken Hankel's mind completely. The room was dark, and it smelled awful. He was burning fish hearts and livers, 'cos he believed it kept the devil away.

I was confused and lost. My head was spinning, and my heart was about to burst into my chest. I knew I could die any second now. Raphael wasn't the one to show mercy. That's what I had learned from all the videos Hankel had uploaded to the web. He had shared with the world every murder they had committed to show the other sinners what was going to happen to them.

- "They believe you can see inside men's minds"- Raphael looked at me with dark eyes, implying he meant Tobias and his father

- "It's not true. I study human behavior."- my voice was shaking. I knew I had never been more scared in my entire life. He took out a gun and showed me one bullet.

- "Do you know what this is? It's God's will."

Things didn't look good for me. He put it in the cylinder of the revolver and spun it. He was going to let my life to luck.

- "You don't have to do this"- I tried to talk him out of it, though I knew it wasn't going to work.

- "No go, sinners, to your God."

And he pressed the trigger.

What went through my mind the seconds that passed between having the gun pointed to my face and realizing I had lived? My mom. All I could think of was how my mom would react to the news of my death. I could never bear to hurt her like that. I couldn't die. I couldn't leave her alone.

I sighed, relieved, and bit my lips not to cry. Raphael looked at me with a blank expression and walked out of the room. I had survived for now.

I struggled with my handcuff, but it was useless. My head was killing me. I could feel the open wound on my head, still dripping blood on my temple and head. I tried to focus on the pain for a few minutes, just to make sure I was awake. It was a nightmare, and keeping myself sane and conscious under those circumstances was nearly impossible.

How was I going to get out of there alive? Did the team know where I was? I had no idea where I had been taken. I had been unconscious the whole way. It was dark, and I couldn't see much around me. I wasn't afraid of that darkness. I was more fearful of the man that left me alone, 'cos he was armed and mentally unstable. Darkness had nothing on him.

I had to focus on the things that kept me sane. The things that made me want to get out of that room alive.

- "My name is Spencer Walter Reid. I'm twenty-five years old, my mother's name is Diana Reid, I was born in Las Vegas, October 28th, 1981."

I closed my eyes and tried to think of all the things that made me happy.

- "I work at the BAU, my best friend's name is (Y/N), and she sits at the desk in front of me. Derek Morgan is the closest I've got to an older brother."

He was. He still is. You have to be close to dead to start seeing things clearly sometimes. Derek was my brother. He treated me like a kid, but a kid brother. He was always teasing me, trying to teach me how to pick up girls, trying to drag me to the gym with him. Derek was a good friend, we were very different, and I knew if we had been classmates in high school, we would probably never have talked. He was a jock, and I was a nerd. But life had brought us together. And now I couldn't think of a better friend than him.

I tried to focus on my happiest memories. My birthday came to mind. The guys had planned a Halloween-themed birthday party at the conference room of the BAU. Of course, Garcia baked a cake and (Y/N) helped her decorate it. It was incredible, 'cos it was covered with tiny gourds and skulls.

- "Frank and Mikey sent you these,"- she announced after everybody had given me their presents. I wide opened my eyes in shock 'cos I had no idea her friends knew it was my birthday or even cared about it.

- "Why?"- I had to ask.

- "'Cos they think you are amazing. They actually wanted to come over to your house and have a few beers tonight."- I opened my mouth to say something, but Derek interrupted me.

- "Pretty boy is gonna get to work hungover again."

- "Shut up"- (Y/N) and I said at the same time, making everybody chuckle. I opened the present her friends had sent me and laughed right away.

- "Lucky Doc"- I read and took out of the bag a Sports Illustrated issue with Lila Archer on the cover. My cheeks turned red immediately.

- "Frank still hasn't overcome that story. I think he will hate you forever"- (Y/N) laughed (along with the rest of the team) and gave me another present.

- "They also sent you this. They said you were going to like the man in black"- it was a Johnny Cash's vinyl- "Frank picked it. He thinks he is some sort of musical psychic that can read people's taste in music."

- "We should get together and have a few beers one of these days. I need to thank them for these."

Gideon looked at me in silence as soon as I said those words. But I didn't care if he disapproved. I was going to be (Y/N)'s friend, whether he liked it or not.

He is the closest I've had to a dad in the latest years. He cares about me, and he tries to make the best of me that he can. Yes, he can be too apprehensive. I think that's a way to put it. But only because he wants me to be the best profiler I can be.

I never thought I would end up working at the BAU. I never thought I would love the job I do as much as I do. Back when I was in college, I thought I would dedicate my life to finding a cure for schizophrenia, but I ended up hunting serial killers across the country.

And though I was about to die, I didn't regret any of the decisions that led me there.

The morning found me shaking, cold, and scared. I was in a small cabin in the woods. Just like the worst and more cliché horror movie ever made. This was my own horror movie.

- "What are you staring at, boy?"- Tobias opened the front door carrying logs for the fire. His voice had changed yet again, so I knew it wasn't the same person I had talked to the night before.

- "You are not Raphael."- I whispered, looking at every movement he did.

- "Do I look like Raphael?"- had I insulted him? I couldn't tell. He turned to the fire, and I took a deep breath, doing my best to stay calm.

- "Thank you for burning those, for keeping us safe."- I said, looking at the fish hearts and livers he was preparing to put on the fire.

- "Don't try to trick me."

- "I would never try to trick you."

- "You are a liar."

- I'm not a liar."- it was hard to stay calm and not start screaming for help or mercy, but I knew that was going to take me nowhere with him.

- "Lying is a sin."

- "I'm not a liar."- he walked closer to me, and sat right in front of me, held my leg up, and grabbed my foot.

- "This will be over quickly if you just confess your sins."

- "I am not a sinner"- I whispered again. He took off my shoe.

- "We are all sinners."- it didn't look good for me, not at all, and I knew I had to talk to him with his words with his beliefs to save my life.

- "The Lord spake unto Moses saying "Speak unto all the congregation of the children of the lord" and say unto them, ye shall be holy, for I, the Lord your God, am holy."

Hankel, this time in the personality of his father, looked at me surprised. I might have done something right, 'cos he stopped moving, and for a second, I thought it was going to be ok.

- "You know Leviticus."

- "I know every word of the bible. I can recite it for you."- but his eyes turned dark again.

- "The devil knows how to read too."

- "I'm not a devil, I'm not a devil2- I repeated, and couldn't stop shaking, 'cos my life on the hands of a sociopath.

- "I'm a man, my name is Spencer Reid, and I have a mother, and I have a father just like you, and they taught me the bible, let me recite the bible."

My voice cracked at the knowledge of what he was going to do. He stood up, still holding my foot. He was going to torture me, he was going to try to break me, and I had to be strong. I didn't know how I would find the strength, but I had to be strong.

- "Time to confess, Spencer Reid"- and without further notice, he slapped a log against my foot, making me scream in pain. It hurt from the tip of my toes until the back of my skull. I hadn't felt that kind of pain, and it was worse knowing he was just getting started. Tears started falling down my cheeks in no time.

- "Confess!"

- "I don't have anything to confess."- I whimpered and closed my eyes, 'cos I knew he was going to continue his torture. And so he did. The pain was excruciating. I was sure I was going to pass out

I tried to go to a happy place in my head, somewhere when I could hide from all that pain. It was too hard, though. It hurt too much. I kept repeating over and over again I wasn't a sinner, begging Hankel for mercy, as he shouted I had to confess.

I made an effort to think about what he might want me to say. What did he want me to confess? Which sins was he talking about? But nothing came to my mind, nothing but the pain and the fear of dying.

(Y/N)'s point of view

The second we reached Hankel's cabin, I started looking for Spencer. I had a horrible feeling about it. Morgan and I headed it to a barn with Prentiss. There was no sign of anyone. It was dark and quiet. Never a good sign.

- "Shit!"- I whispered, staring at three dead dogs and a bath of blood in front of me. There laid the body of another victim that was missing from Hankel's last attack.

- "FBI!!"- JJ shouted suddenly. She was pointing his gun to us, clearly in shock- "Don't move!!"

- "JJ, it's Morgan, (Y/L/N), and Prentiss! Don't shoot"- Derek tried to calm her down, walking towards her- "Are you hurt?"- she lowered the gun and stared at us. You could read the fear and the trauma in her eyes.

- "Tobias Hankel is the unsub,"- she whispered as Prentiss rubbed her arm sweetly, trying to comfort her.

- "Yeah, we know"- I moved towards her too and put my gun back into the holster.

- "And we thought he was just a witness"- we looked around, and JJ pointed at the dead dogs.

- "JJ, where is Reid?"- Derek asked her, but she just continued talking.

- "They completely tore her apart"

- "JJ, look at me,"- I said and held her arm carefully- "Look at me, where's Reid?"- she was shaking, and her voice was cracking. I knew she was making her best effort to pull herself together.

- "We split up. He said he was going to go in the back."

And there it was. That was the reason why I had a bad feeling all along. Derek looked at me and nodded as we read each other's minds. The two of us turned around and ran outside, leaving JJ with Prentiss, waiting for the medical team and ambulance to check on her wounds.

Gideon and Hotch were inside the cabin, looking for Hankel, but there was no one there. And there was no sign of Reid behind the barn either, in the cornfield, or anywhere in the perimeter. Reid was nowhere to be found, and I started losing it little by little. I tried to repeat myself the words Hotch had said many times during my year in the BAU: "when you are out there with the team; your mind has to be one hundred percent on the case." But the case had never included my best friend missing before.

- "Hey, is there any sign of him yet?- I asked the police chief as I reached the ambulance. He was there talking with JJ, making sure she was ok.

- "We got every one of our units on the road. He won't make it far"- I nodded and watched him walk away. I knew he thought I was talking about Hankel, but I actually meant Reid.

I turned to JJ and moved a little closer to her. Her eyes open wide, staring back at me.

- "You can't find Reid?"- I just shook my head and tried to sound as casual as I could, not to freak her out. She was still in shock. I didn't want to make it worse.

- "Not yet"

- "(Y/N)"- Derek held my arm and forced me to walk away from the ambulance.- "Reid followed him into the cornfield. It looks like somebody got dragged."

My heart stopped. Did the psychopath hurt Spencer? Did he kill him? Did he torture him? Was he hurt? Was he alive? Where was he? Derek looked at me, and I nodded. I bit my lips and took a deep breath. Hotch's words were my mantra now: "your mind has to be one hundred percent on the case."

- "Are you sure?"- we turned to the police's chief, overhearing his conversation- "We are on our way now."

- "What's going on?"

- "The sheriff down two towns over, he just gave directions to a man who fit Hankel's descriptions. It's to a motor lodge in fort bend."

- "Let's get Hotch and Gideon"- Derek held my arm and walked with me to the cabin. We had to find Reid, and we had to do it fast.

That was the worst night of my life. The first worst night of my life, to be sincere. I didn't close an eye. I went through every paper, every note, every detail in that cabin, trying to find a clue that could lead us to where Tobias had taken Reid.

I felt someone had ripped my heart from my chest. I had to think straight, and to do it, I had to keep a cold head. But as the hours passed, it became a more demanding and more challenging task to complete. I knew the whole team was suffering, but that didn't ease my pain. And I knew JJ felt guilty, but that didn't stop me from blaming her in my mind. She left him alone. I would have never left Spencer alone on the field.

- "(Y/N), you should try to get some rest."

Derek whispered as he sat on the floor next to me, where I had been sitting for the last half hour, reading Tobias's old diaries. Nothing but fear of his father, mentions of Dilaudid use, and bible transcriptions.

- "I'm ok,"- I answered and didn't even take my eyes from the pages.

- "(Y/N), I mean it"

- "I'm not going to rest if he is out there in the hands of a psychopath, Derek"- I had to bite my lips and shut the fuck up, 'cos if I said one more word, I knew I was going to burst into tears.

Morgan just wrapped an arm around my shoulders and moved me closer to him. That was the first time I let him hug me, and it felt good to know I wasn't alone in my desperation. I knew he loved Reid like a brother, and neither of us was going to stop until we found him.

- "Welcome to our nightmare"- JJ's voice broke the silence we had been into for the last hour when Hotch walked into the cabin with Penelope.

It was morning already. There were still no signs of Reid. Prentiss, Gideon, JJ, and I had been sitting at the table, reading everything we could.

- "His computer is an extension of his brain. I need you to dissect it,"- Gideon whispered to García. You could feel the concern in his voice. She just nodded in shock and turned to Derek, who held her hand and helped her get set up in the computer room.

- "So, nothing new since I left?"- Hotch asked and looked at us. I just shook my head and continued reading.

- "Well, the good thing is the guy documented practically every second of his life"- Prentiss words took me from the pages I was reading. I looked at her and raised an eyebrow. The concept of "good" was poorly used in that phrase.

- "The bad news is, we are still un-piling,"- she added and sighed.

- "From the looks of it, he hasn't left this place in years,"- JJ managed to say. She made her best effort to be useful, but she was in worse shape than everybody else. Yet, that didn't make me feel bad for her. I was mad at her and kept making my best to put it aside, 'cos my head had to be in the case.

- "He knew he could pretend to be looking for a motel and throw us off his trail,"- Emily inferred, but I shook my head as soon as I heard her.

- "No, no, no, it's more than that!"- I shook my head and took a deep breath- "Sheriff's office, 911 calls, every time he engages the police and gets away with it... he reassures himself, God's on his side. Not ours."- I added.

Gideon nodded, and we shared a moment of agreement. He was as worried as I was. I could feel it. I'm not saying the rest of the team wasn't, I'm saying Jason was as fucked up as I was, and I could sense he was having the same trouble I had making sure my head and not my sentiments were into the case.

But if anything happened to Reid, I didn't know what I was capable of doing.

At a certain point, I got sick of reading and not doing anything and decided to look around the house again if we had missed anything. Derek went along. One part of me felt he wanted to stay away from JJ too. Maybe he was as mad as I was about her leaving Reid alone. I know I couldn't blame her, but I did it anyway.

- "Guys!! I think I've got something!"- Derek yelled, and I ran over. He opened a door that led to a basement. I walked right behind him, pointing my gun and my flashlight all over. But there was no sign of Reid.

- "Tobias Hankel!!"- Morgan shouted. Someone was sitting in what looked to be a gigantic freezer- "Tobias!"- but we didn't get any response. I took a step closer and examined carefully.

- "Morgan, I think we just found Hankel's father."

Spencer's point of view

On my second night in that cabin, I met Tobias. The third personality of Hankel walked into the room, carrying what seemed to be a dead deer. He looked as frightened as I was.

- "You need to eat."

- "What's your name?"

- "Tobias."

- "Tobias, who was here before?"

- "Probably my father."

He looked at me up and down, and he immediately understood what he had done to me. It was scary how he could dissociate. Someone with multiple personality disorder is usually unaware of the other personality states and memories when an alter is dominant. In this case, Tobias knew the other personalities but considered them different persons. He didn't think they were all in his head.

- "I'm sorry if he hurt you."

He looked at me like he understood everything I had been going through. Maybe he had been through something similar when his father was alive. Perhaps he had been a victim of Hankel as well, and that's what triggered his psychopathic nature.

He walked over and took out his belt.

- "What are you doing?"- he wrapped it around my arm, and I started begging him to stop.

- "It helps"- he took out of his pocket a needle and a small bottle of what seemed to be some kind of drug.

- "Don't tell my father. He doesn't know they are here."

- "Please, I don't want it, I don't want it, please"- I cried and begged.

- "It helps. I know"- it was the last thing Tobias said before the needle found my vein.

And he was right. It helped. Every single amount of pain I was feeling disappeared. My brain shut down. Somehow, everything was ok. I never had in my entire life felt so good before.

My mind kept flashing memories of when I was a kid. I kept seeing images of the day my father left and how he called my mother crazy.

- "You are weak"- mom spit those words after he refused to take me with him. I know she said it not because she didn't want me with her, but because mom knew she was sick and wanted the best for me. And he refused.

- "I'm not weak."- I whispered as I looked at her smiling back at me.

- "I know, honey."

I don't know how long I was drugged, but when I woke up, Tobias wasn't there with me anymore. It was his father.

And the torture continued.

(Y/N)'s point of view

Gideon was trying to convince me to go out with Prentiss and JJ to see a Narcotics anonymous's contact that might give us more information about Tobias. Emily had found some flyers about it in his room, and it could be the only lead we had to find him and Reid.

- "You need to get out of this house for a while"- he whispered and tapped on my back.

I knew he wasn't the one to be loving or physical with people, less with me. But that moved me. I turned to him and my eyes watered up. I was scared, and I couldn't hide it anymore. The more hours passed, the fewer the chances were to find Spencer safe. Alive.

I felt his arms around me suddenly, holding me tight, trying to keep the pieces of me together. We were alone on the porch, and though I didn't want to fall apart, I couldn't hold it anymore.

Jason didn't say a word. He just hugged me and let me cry for a few minutes. I didn't say anything either. I actually couldn't because I was overwhelmed with everything.

- "Are you ready, (Y/N)?"

Prentiss whispered as she walked over with JJ. I turned my back at them for a second to hide the tears that kept falling down my cheeks. I knew it was a shitty thing to do, 'cos it was obvious I had been sobbing, but they gave me the courtesy of not saying anything.

- "You go, I need (Y/N)'s assistance with some diary entries"- the two of them walked away quietly, and thankfully, didn't argue with Gideon.

- "Thank you,"- I whispered and felt his hand on my shoulder one more time.

- "You are doing a fantastic job,"- he said and turned around.

I wish I could tell you that made me feel better, but instead, I just thought I had the duty to bring my friend back home safe.

It had been at least an hour since the girls left. Morgan, Hotch, Gideon, and the police chief were in the living room with me, reading. I sipped my hundredth cup of coffee and re-read the same diary entry for the third time.

- "There's something weird going on here."- I thought out loud and walked towards Gideon

- "You think?"- the police chief turned to me and raised an eyebrow, ironically.

- "No, seriously, check this out. This journal is filled with religious ramblings. He notated hour by hour: "November 15th, 3:17, if ye offer a sacrifice of peace offering unto the Lord, ye shall offer it at your own will", and it goes on and on: 5:04, 7:41, 10:22, 1:42."

I made a short pause and looked at Gideon and Hotch. They didn't get where I was going.

- "But then, it goes blank for days."

- "Maybe he got sick of writing"- I seriously hated that police chief.

- "I think I got it"- Hotch whispered- "Journal entry: "December 6th. Father is sick. He wants me to put him down. I say thou shalt not kill. He said, honor thy father. Must pray for guidance."

- "So he kills his father as an act of mercy?"- Gideon asked, knowing the answer.

- "This is two months ago. Tobias Hankel's father had been dead for four months already."

- "That's exactly it"- I murmured, thinking Tobias Hankel was way more fucked up than we thought.

- "Look at the floor"- Derek pointed at a chair and moved it- "These scuffs marks are fresh. It's like two people were pushing the chairs constantly, trying to fight for control."

- "So?"- I swear to God, that chief was driving me insane.

- "This journal matches Charles Hankel's handwriting, but it was written after he died"- I explained. Still, it felt he wasn't following me.

- "What do you mean?"

- "Upstairs, Tobias' bedroom got junk piled from floor to ceiling, but the other bedroom could pass a military inspection."

- "So, are you telling me one of Tobias' personalities was his father?"

Apparently, I had to draw a picture so the chief would get it. Fortunately, Gideon continued explaining the whole problem before I lost what was left of my patience.

- "Well, Tobias was raised with a strict religious code, black and white, right and wrong. When his father asked Tobias to kill him, something had to give."

- "His brain couldn't handle the moral contradiction, so he split into two personalities to keep his father alive."

Hotch tried to put it most easy and simple words possible.

- "So, who is Raphael?"

- "My guess, he is a mediator between the two"- Gideon nodded at my words and sighed.

- "Angels have no human emotions, live or die. They don't care, as long it's God's will."

- "We need to start profiling Tobias' father. He may be the one who chose where to take Reid."

Finally, I felt we were going somewhere.

When Emily and JJ came back, they gave us the news. Tobias was addicted to Dilaudid, which explained the fracture in his mind, and how he lived with three distinct personalities.

The police chief announced a computer store robbery, giving us some hopes that Tobias would use them to track him down.

- "Guys!! Guys!! get in here!!- I heard Derek shouting and I ran to the computer room. I felt sick in the stomach in less than a second. There he was, Spencer. My Spencer Walter Reid, tied to a chair, bleeding, shoeless. Clearly tortured.

- "He's been beating,"- I whispered, feeling my eyes water up. I would have given anything to be there instead of him.

- "Can you track him?!"- JJ yelled by my side, and I nearly smacked her. That's how sensitive I was feeling.

- "Hankel's only streaming this to his home computer."- Garcia whispered. And my heart dropped with those words.

That wasn't what I was supposed to hear. We were supposed to find him and bring him back safe.

- "This is for us"- Gideon didn't take his eyes from the screen- "He knows we are here."

- "I'm gonna put this guy's head on a stick"- Morgan was so mad I believed him. I wanted to do the same, if worse.

- "I'm gonna kill him myself as soon as we find him,"- I said and felt Aaron's hand on my shoulder as he asked Garcia

- "Why can't you locate him?"

- "He's rerouting to a different IP address every 30 seconds. I can't track him."

It knew it had to be hard if Penelope couldn't find her, but that didn't help. If anything, it made everything worse. I felt powerless. Hankel couldn't be more intelligent than us.

Spencer's point of view

- "Are you ready, boy?"- Hankel pulled my hair and forced me to look at him. I was still as high as fuck, but knew I was about to be tortured again.

- "Ready for what?"

- "My weakling son thinks God gave you to him for a reason"- if the reason was to get me into drugs, then the answer was yes.

Hankel placed a video camera in front of me.

- "Can you really see inside men's minds?"- he asked me and made a pause, pointing to three screens- See these vermin?

It took me a second to realize he was showing me images of real people. He had put cameras in those people's houses. How? When? What kind of sick game did he want me to play with him?

- "Choose one to die. I let you choose one to live."

- "No"- I didn't even think about my answer.

- "I thought you wanted to be some kind of savior."

- "You are a sadist and a psychotic break. You won't stop killing. Your word is not true."

I don't know if it was because of the drugs or because I hadn't eaten or drank any water in too long, but I was somehow resigned and tired of fighting.

- "The other heathens are watching- Hankel announced and pointed at the camera in front of me."

My eyes fixated on the camera right away. My team was watching me. (Y/N) was watching me. I didn't want to make her worry even more. I needed her to know I was ok. I know I wasn't, but I didn't want her to worry about me.

- "Choose a sinner to die, and I'll say the name and address of the person to be saved"- Hankel was sick. It was all a game, and religion was just an excuse to kill.

- "I won't get to choose who gets slaughtered and have you leave their remains behind like a poacher."

Hankel didn't like my answer, 'cos he grabbed me and pulled me up, looking into my eyes, insulted, annoyed, losing his temper.

- "Can you really see into my mind, boy?"

He was honestly scary, and it petrified me to think he could execute me right there, in front of the team, and I could never tell them how much they mean.

- "Can you see I'm not a liar?!"- he insisted. I nearly whimpered but made my best not to break- "Choose one to die and save a life. Otherwise, they are all dead."

He dropped me on the chair and turned around. It was clear he wasn't joking. I took a deep breath and nodded.

- "Alright, I'll choose who lives."

- "They are all the same"

My eyes traveled across all the monitors. It was nearly impossible to pick one person to live, knowing all the other people there would die. Hankel was sick, and I had to set a plan to escape because otherwise, I would end up dead.

- "Far right screen,"- I whispered. He turned around and nodded.

Then, he recited the name and address of the woman on the screen. I prayed for the team to find her before Hankel came after her too.

No. It wasn't Hankel this time.

- "Raphael,"- I whispered, and he nodded. I looked at the screen again. The woman we were watching picked up the phone. She was in her kitchen. He walked around, frowned, and turned to her computer. In a second, she had turned it off. My team had reached her. She was safe, I hoped.

Hankel turned the camera off and looked at me.

- "You've done your part. Now it's my turn."

I knew what that meant. It wasn't good.

He left the cabin, and all I could see were the monitors in front of me. Those people were going to die. They were going to die because I didn't pick them. I killed them. You don't need to pull a trigger to kill someone. I could never forget those words. And this time, they meant more than anytime before. I didn't press a trigger, but I had killed two innocent people. And I actually had to watch them die.

When I saw Rapahel walk into the victims' house, I tried to close my eyes and think of anything else. A part of me kept thinking he wasn't going to kill them. He just wanted to threaten me.

But not. Raphael slaughtered them.

I found myself craving whatever it was that Tobias had given me the night before. The drug in my veins had given me a kind of peace I had never felt. And I never thought I'd have either. The type of peace that can be addictive, 'cos it turns your head off. And God knows, sometimes I needed to turn my head off.

Remembering everything that has ever happened to me, especially all the awful things, wasn't a gift. It was a burden. And whatever it was that Tobias had put in my veins, it had taken that burden from my shoulders, at least for a couple of hours.

Who wouldn't want some more of that peace?

- "Reid!"- Gideon's voice took me from my thoughts. He was sitting right in front of the camera in the victim's house. He was there with Hotch and the police, investigating the crime scene.

- "If you are watching this, you are not responsible for this. You understand me? he is perverting God to justify murder. You are stronger than him. He can not break you."

I know he meant it. But I couldn't believe any of that, not after watching a family get slaughter just because I didn't pick them.

(Y/N)'s point of view

- "I thought you were going to try and get some rest,"- I said as JJ walked to me in silence. I made myself my hundredth cup of coffee, and she just showed up next to me, trying to engage in conversation, I guess.

- "Everybody else is working. I should be too."

- "We can handle it,"- I whispered and refused to look at her. I swear I was trying not to hate her, but it was getting harder and harder with every hour that passed without finding Reid.

- "It's funny, I keep thinking the one thing we need to crack this case is... well... Reid"- she chuckled, nervously and I just looked at her and nodded. I didn't even smile. I didn't move a muscle.

I didn't want to be with her, or anyone, as a matter of fact. And I wasn't going to hide it anymore. So I tried to walk away.

- "You think Reid and I should have stayed together at the barn, don't you?"

I stopped walking and looked at her. You could tell she was having a hard time facing the whole situation, and most of all, you could tell she felt guilty.

That really didn't stop me from being mad at her. I was trying to be the better woman during the investigation, but the uncertainty was getting on my nerves.

- "JJ, go get some rest,"- I tried to answer calmly, but I knew I was looking at her like she was dead to me.

- "I can tell that's what you are thinking, so..."

- "I just wanna get Spencer home safe."

- "But... if I had his back like I was supposed to do, he'd be here now"- and that was enough.

- "JJ, what the fuck do you want from me?"

- "I just...."- she was about to cry, you could tell- "I want someone to tell me the truth."

- "You want the truth? Ok, there you go: I would have never left him alone. None of this would have happened if I had been the one with him out there! 'cos I would never let anyone or anything hurt him!!"

I shouted. All the anger I had been feeling those days was finally getting off my chest. And fuck, it felt good.

- "You fucked it up, JJ, and if something happens to Spencer, I am never going to forgive you, never!"

JJ bit her lips, trying her best not to cry. But I still couldn't feel sorry for her.

- "Is that the truth you were looking for?"

- "(Y/L/N)?"- Hotch stood next to me with the most annoyed look in his eyes.

I knew I was out of line, but this wasn't about work anymore. This was personal. This was Reid we were talking about, and JJ had fucked it up. There was nothing to discuss.

- "What? You sent him with her, now she is here, and he isn't. What else is there to say?"

- "(Y/N)!"- Hotch followed me as I stormed out of the kitchen and out of the cabin- "(Y/N)! stop!"

- "What?!"- and I simply snapped- "Are you gonna suspend me for telling her the truth? Are you going to fire me for losing my shit while working a case!? Fine! I don't care! I don't give a fuck! All I care about right now is that my best friend is missing, and a fucking psychopath has him! That's all I can think of. That's all I've been thinking about for the last two days!"

I was yelling at Hotch. I was yelling at my unit chief. I was fucked. I knew he was going to fire me after that. But I couldn't help it. I was going insane. Tears kept falling from my eyes as I held my cup of coffee tight, holding onto it with my life.

- "(Y/N), we are all worried about Reid."

- "I know you are all worried. I am too, and I'm also afraid and mad and going fucking insane knowing I am standing here not knowing what to do to save him."

- "That doesn't give you the right to treat JJ like this is her fault"- I don't know if he was talking like my unit chief or like a father figure trying to end a fight between two of his kids.

- "Did she stay with Reid?"- I simply replied and looked at Hotch in the eyes- "Did she?"

- "She is not the only one who feels guilty, so do I. And I know I won't forgive myself if anything happens to Reid."

Hotch made a pause and tried to find a way to say what he wanted to say. The door opened, and Gideon walked to us. He knew what was going on, and he didn't say a thing. I was sure he had already heard everything. We weren't actually arguing quietly.

- "We are not getting any closer,"- Aaron finally said.

- "Reid is brilliant. He'll figure out how to survive"- Gideon's words were way more hopeful than my thoughts. In my mind, Reid was too scared to think of a way to escape.

- "You know, I always take advantage of Reid for his brain. But I never actually teach him how to deal with things emotionally."

Hotch whispered, and his words were filled with regret. I was filled with anger and anxiety, and I know the two of them felt the same. But they way better at handling their feelings.

- "Lead by example,"- Jason answered, probably trying to make him feel better.

- "What kind of example is that?"- I simply replied, and both of them stayed in silence.

I don't think my words helped Hotch, but I wasn't trying to do that either. I was just honest. And Hotch's emotional assistance was shit on the field. Even Gideon was better.

- "He'll make it,"- Jason reassured us and nodded- "Now stop arguing and go back to work."

Spencer's point of view

I was glad when Tobias came to me that night with a needle in his hand and put the drug into my vein. I needed some release after watching a family die 'cos I didn't save them.

- "I'm sorry I had to leave"- he excused himself, preparing the drug next to me.

- "You can leave again, and you can take me with you,"- I begged in a soft voice.

- "My father would be angry,"- he replied and didn't even look at me. This time, I didn't even argue when he wrapped the belt around my arm. I was even a little eager he'd do it faster.

- "Not if he can't find us."

- "He always finds me."

- "If you tell me where we are, my friends will come, and they'll save us."

He gave me a look, mixed with horror and resignation. It broke my heart to think for a moment of all the horrors that lead Tobias to be as sick as he was.

- "We can't be saved,"- he simply replied.

- "We can, we can, I promise. If you tell me where we are, I'll save us both."

- "Listen to me. It's not worth fighting."

Somehow, I understood why he said that. I was afraid and shaking but still did my best not to think of all the pain I was in, of the terror that haunted me day and night.

- "Tell me it doesn't make it better- he said and showed me the needle."

I couldn't say no, 'cos he was right. It did. The drugs made his horrible situation bearable. I could understand why someone decided to use something to avoid the pain. I had faced all and each one of the pain and horrors in my life sober. It was time life was a little bit sweeter, in a sick way.

I remembered being twelve. Mom had had one of her episodes the day before, she was in bed, and I woke her up. I walked into her room and opened the curtains. It was already five in the afternoon, and she still refused to get out of bed.

- "The doctor says you need to get out of bed,"- I argued when she repeated she was just resting.

- "I've been reading"

- "He says you need exercise"- she sighed and tried to make a joke.

- "That's because his idea of good literature is Our bodies, ourselves."

- "Well, he is your doctor."

- "He is a neanderthal"- I gave up and started walking out of the room. She just laid in bed and looked at me.

- "Where are you going?"

- "I'm going to see if Jeff wants to play"- Jeff was our next-door neighbor and my only friend growing up.

- "Come here. Let me read to you."

I know Garcia made fun of me when I said my mother used to read me Valentine's sonnets when I was a kid. Most people think I have a weird relationship with mom, but they don't understand what it was like growing up with her. They don't know what it was like for a twelve-year-old boy to finish high school, facing bullies. Handling the pressure of being a kid genius and the fact I had to take care of a schizophrenic mother.

How come I didn't start using drugs earlier?

I remember that afternoon I sat next to my mother, and she made me pick one of the many books she had with her on the bed. I choose Proust. I knew she loved it. I loved it as well.

"For a long time, I used to go to bed early. Sometimes, when I had put out my candle, my eyes would close so quickly that I had not even time to say, "I'm going to sleep."

I can still hear her voice, reading to me. Both of us avoided reality for a while, hiding in the books. I always do it regardless. I hide in the books to forget. I hide in knowledge to avoid acknowledging the real personal issues I have. I hide in my work saving people when no one ever saved me.

I work catching psychopaths when I know I might actually have a mental issue myself. I might end up just like mom, and it frightens me so much; there are many nights I can't even close an eye. If I get sick too, then no one will take care of her. I am the only one in her life. And she is the only one in mine.

She and (Y/N), but there is no way my best friend would ever take care of me if I got sick. Not because she wouldn't want to do it, but because I would never let her. I don't want to be a burden in her life. And she would hate me, I know. And I could never live in a world where (Y/N) hates me. Not then, not now.

(Y/N). She is the best thing that happened to me in the BAU. Yes, I had a family with my team, but she was different. She was my life. She was the reason why I smiled. She was the one person that made me feel I was important to someone. I knew the rest of my friend loved me, but I loved her.

That was it. I loved (Y/N). And I was scared I was never going to see her again.

(Y/N)'s point of view

I was standing next to Penelope. She kept trying to force me to eat. She knew I was living on coffee, but I just couldn't swallow anything. She held my hand as the two of us stared at the screens, hopefully waiting for Hankel to make contact again.

- "Any more signs of Reid?"- JJ walked over to us slowly and looked at me, afraid I might snap on her again. I just shook my head and sighed, doing my best to be nice to her.

- "He just posted the last murder online."

- "It had over 17 thousand hits in the first twenty minutes,"- Penelope added, and her voice was so full of revulsion. It was clear she couldn't handle the horror in the human mind.

- "I want to see it,"- JJ said, and I frowned, confused.

- "No, you don't,"- Garcia answered and looked at me- "Come on, munchkin, just eat one cookie, please."

- "Don't tell me what I want and don't want!"- JJ's tone shocked us both. She was severe and angry. She was rude at Penelope, and for a second, I almost snapped again.

- "If I can't watch this..."- JJ whispered and glued her eyes on the screen- "I have no business being in the field."

She looked at me when she was done talking, and for once during those awful days, I felt some kind of compassion for her. She had to be feeling like shit, no doubt, and no matter how mad I was at her, she was still my friend, and I didn't want her to suffer either.

- "JJ, it's not a competition,"- I tried to say in the softest voice possible.

- "I... I need to see it."

- "If you stop being affected by things, you lose parts of yourself, you know."

It was somehow ironic that I was the one saying those things. Me of all people in that team. Me, the one who was afraid the most of losing herself in work.

- "Show me"- she finally looked at Garcia, ignoring my words, and Penelope pleased her. She pushed play and simply said

- "I won't watch this with you."

García held my hand, walking me out of the room, leaving JJ alone in the room. She sighed and wiped the tears that started falling down her eyes.

- "I don't know how you do it either"- she whispered- "I don't know how you watch those things every day and don't go insane."

- "If it makes you feel better, I don't know how I do either, and it scared me to think my heart might be numbing with each case we solve. With every psychopath we catch."

- "We are gonna find him"- she assured me and held my hands tight- "We are bringing him home safe, I swear."

- "Let's go find Gideon,"- I said, nodding at her words- "He needs to know Tobias posted the last murder."

Jason was mad, beyond furious. He was losing it. Derek and Prentiss kept trying to crack Hankel and discover where he had taken Reid. Meanwhile, Garcia, Gideon, and I made our best to take the video of the murder from the web.

- "I have a list of everyone from the file-sharing chain. I could send out a mass warning that the video is actually a virus,"- Garcia said and started typing as fast as possible. I just stared at the screen, waiting for something, anything to happen.

But I wasn't waiting for what came next.

- "Confess your sins"- Hankel's voice made me jump, and the sight of Reid, still tied to that chair, bleeding, and being tortured, broke my heart again.

- "Confess!!"- that sick psychopath shouted and hit him.

- "I haven't done anything,"- Spencer sobbed, but it was useless. Hankel kept punching him, over and over again, even when my best friend begged for mercy.

I felt Jason hold my hand as I was holding Garcia's. The three of us felt powerless, useless, angry, and scared, all at the same time. I couldn't bear to watch Reid being tortured, but at the same time, I was so glad he was still alive.

That until Hankel beat him so hard, he pushed him back in the chair, and Reid started convulsing.

- "He is killing him,"- Penelope cried, and I closed my eyes, biting my lips. Spencer was choking, and that mother fucker just stood there, watching him die.

- "That's the devil vacating your body"- he spit those words as Reid simply passed out. I didn't know if he was dead. I didn't know if he was going to make it. Shit! I didn't know anything.

I let go of Jason and Penelope and stormed out of the room. I was unprofessional, and I knew it, but I knew I would quit if anything happened to Reid. I wasn't going to stay working at the BAU if Spencer died.

- "Are you ok?"- Derek grabbed my arm. I just broke into tears and held him tight. He wrapped his arms around me and let me cry.

- "He's dying! We can't find him!!"- I sobbed against his chest.

- "(Y/N)! (Y/N)!"- I heard Penelope yelling as we all rushed back to the computer room. Hankel was giving CPR to Reid, trying to bring him back to life.

- "Come on, come on, please,"- I begged as I watched him pushing his chest over and over again until Spencer woke up, gasping for air.

- "Thank God!"- Hotch sighed and rubbed his hands against his face. The whole team let out a breath of relief simultaneously, and I kept watching Reid. His opened eyes gave me hope.

- "Wait,"- Prentiss said suddenly- "When was the video of the last murder posted?"

- "Nine thirty"- Penelope answered

- "And when was the time of death?"

- "The 911 call came in at 9:04, and the murder must have been moments later."- Hotch added and didn't even turn to look at Prentiss. We were all still shocked looking at the screen.

- "That's just a 19 minutes difference,"- I said and turned to García- "How long would it take to post that file?"

- "Two or three minutes."

- "Let's call it two,"- I said, getting excited- "You figure a maximum of 60 miles an hour in a residential area. That means Hankel has to be within a 17-mile radius of the crime scene."

For a second, I felt I was rambling facts just like Reid would. It made me miss him even more.

- "García, can we see it on the map?"- Aaron whispered. He was clearly affected, and it also made me feel selfish, knowing I had made a tantrum with the whole team, forgetting they were suffering as well.

- "Call chief Farraday"- Jason commanded as soon as we saw the map of the area on the screen- "I want that area locked down like it's martial law."

JJ stood up and grabbed her phone but didn't make the call. García warned us something was going on with Reid and all of us stared at the screen in silence.

Spencer was on his back on the floor, still tied to a chair. It was clear he wasn't fully conscious of what was happening.

- "You came back to life,"- mother fucker Hankel said, spitting the words in anger.

- "Raphael,"- Reid whispered, recognizing one of his personalities.

- "There can be only one of two reasons."

- "I was given CPR,"- my friend whispered, but it was clear that wasn't one of the psycho's options.

- "There are no accidents. How many members of our team are watching us right now?"

- "Seven."

- "The seven angels who had the seven trumpets prepared themselves to sound. The first sounding followed hail, and they were thrown to the earth."

- "He thinks it's the revelations"- Hotch explained- "The seven archangels versus the seven angels of death."

I didn't know much about religion, but it didn't take a genius to figure out he didn't believe we were the good guys.

- "Tell me who you serve."

- "I serve you,"- Reid answered right away. His voice was a whisper. He had to be exhausted.

- "Then choose one to die"

- "What?!"

- "Your team members, choose one to die"- I knew what he was going to answer at that, and I didn't want to hear it.

- "Kill me,"- he replied immediately, and I closed my eyes, unable to watch what would happen next.

- "You said you weren't one of them."

- "I lied."

- "Your team has seven other members. Tell me who dies."

- "No"- Penelope gasped, and Prentiss cursed. I opened my eyes and nearly fainted. Hankel had a gun pointed against Reid's forehead.

The silence amongst the team was unbearable. Neither of us knew what to do. We were all panicking, praying, desperate.

- "Choose and prove you'll do God's will."

- "No."

Neither of us moved. Neither of us breathed until Hakel pulled the trigger, and no bullet came out. I nearly sigh, but it wasn't over.

- "Choose"- he repeated

- "I won't do it"- Hankel didn't even wait. He just pulled the trigger, and we all jumped at the same time. He was safe again.

- "Life is a choice."

- "No,"- Reid repeated once again. And Hankel pulled the trigger for the third time.

- "Choose"- and for the first time, Spencer made a pause. Was going to pick one of us to die?

- "I choose"- the whispered- "Aaron Hotchner."

Derek and I looked at him, and his pale face didn't move a muscle.

- "He's the classic narcissist. He thinks he's better than everyone else on the team. Genesis 23:4 "Let him not deceive himself, and trust in emptiness, vanity falseness, and futility, for these shall be his recompense."

Hotch stormed out of the room as Hankel pulled the trigger one more time and shot the wall.

I felt I was going to puke. If Reid hadn't picked one of us, he would be dead.

- "For God's will,"- the mother fuck said, as he put another bullet in the gun after removing the casing.

I couldn't look anymore. I followed Gideon and Derek to find Aaron going through all Tobias's diaries on the table.

- "I'm not a narcissist,"- he said as soon as he saw us.

- "Come on. Look, you can't think anything from that"- Jason tried to calm him down, in case he was somehow affected by what Reid had just said on camera- "He is not in his right mind, Hotch."

- "No, stop, stop. Alright, everybody, right now: what's my worst quality?"

He had to be kidding. We all stared at him, muted, lost in that conversation. What was his point? Neither of us said a word. We just looked at each other, confused and awkward.

- "Ok, I'll start. I have no sense of humor."

- "You are a bully,"- JJ added.

- "You can be a drill sergeant sometimes,"- I said, and he nodded.

- "Right."

- "You don't trust women as much as men"- you could feel it in Prentiss's voice. That one was personal.

- "Ok, good. I'm all these things, but none of you said that I ever put myself above the team because I don't, ever. Reid and I argued about the definition of classic narcissism, and he knew that I would remember that. He also quoted Genesis chapter 23, verse 4. Read it."

Hotch gave me the book. He wasn't even breathing as she spoke. He was in a hurry. We were all.

- "I'm a stranger and a sojourner with you. Give me property, forbear a place among you that I may bury my dead of my sight."

- "He wouldn't get it wrong unless it were on purpose."

- "He is in a cemetery."- I said and looked at him. He nodded, and I swear to God, I saw a slight smile on his lips. That smile was hope. We were getting closer.

Spencer's point of view

I took a sip of water. I hadn't drunk in days, and my throat burned. I was still a little lost, still a little off.

- "Tobias, is that you?"- I saw him nod, sitting next to me. He moved the cup of water closer so that I could drink some more.

- "Thank you,"- I whispered and looked at him- You saved my life- he stared down at the ground and finally whispered

- "I'm sorry."

- "Why?"

- "He'll win in the end."

It was sad to see Tobias Hankel's good person locked inside a sick mind that also held a psychopath like his father.

- "Tobias, I need to know something. It's important. Are we in a cemetery?"- and he nodded. I smiled at him and sighed, relieved. Help was coming. My team was coming.

- "I used to come here to get high."

- "I was right."

- "No one bothers you here. I never told anyone about it."

He wrapped his belt around my arm, and I turned to him, still smiling. I didn't know if I were happy I was right or glad I would get high again. Maybe both. Maybe the second 'cos the minute that needle got to my vein, that sweet, sweet release felt like a bath of joy that washed away any pain, regret, or guilt I could have ever felt.

Guilt. I've had my share of that. I remember the day I had my mom admitted to the hospital. She hadn't eaten in days. She wouldn't take care of herself, and they're just so much I could do. I wasn't able to keep her safe from herself, from her mind.

- "What are these men doing here?"- she asked me as I walked with two nurses into the study. She was writing and reading. It was all she did, preparing lectures for classes she didn't have to give, in imaginary campuses.

I stood in front of her and hesitated for a second. It was the hardest thing I had ever done, telling mom I was taking her away from her own house.

- "They are from the hospital. They are here to help,"- I whispered and looked at my mother's confused expression. She was so thin. She looked so sick. I felt so guilty I couldn't do better for her.

- "I don't need help, and you can't be here without permission, tell them, Spencer."

She looked down at her books again and tried to continue writing. I took a deep breath, I knew I would break her heart, but there was nothing else I could do.

- "I called them"- she looked at me in pain. Deep, honest pain. Like I had just shattered her heart. Which I had done.

- "Spencer"- she simply whispered and stared into my eyes, begging for an explanation. I was trying my best not to cry. I had a whole speech prepared. I was going to tell her how much I loved her. I was going to explain to her how good it was for her to be in a place where someone could continuously take care of her. I had facts and statistics, but all I managed to say was:

- "I'm doing this for you."

And I felt like a liar. 'Cos, there was a part of me that was doing it for myself too.

- "This isn't legal"- she shook her head in shock and kept trying to find a good explanation to what was going on.

- "Your son is eighteen, ma'am. He can act in your welfare,"- one of the make nurses explained to her.

- "You need help,"- I said and prayed she could understand. But she just burst into tears and begged.

- "I wanna stay here!"

- "I'm... sorry, mom."

- "Please, these are my things, this is my life..."

Those men took her. They took her from her house and put her in a hospital. No. I put her there. I put my mom in a hospital so I could live my life, 'cos I am selfish and couldn't take care of her anymore.

- "Spencer, please, don't do this to me."

Those were the words that haunted me day and night. And my mother's crying face, begging me not to take her from her own house.

What kind of a son am I? I did that to her. I put her in a mental place 'cos I couldn't deal with her disease anymore. 'Cos I didn't know how to take care of her.

- "What are you sorry for, boy?"- I heard Hankel ask when I woke up. I was muttering, "Sorry" as I came back from my trip.

- "I sent her away."

- "Who."

- "My mom. I couldn't help her."

- "Is that a confession?"- I nodded and looked around, confused. Lost. High- "You know the bible. Exodus 21:17"

- "And he that curseth his father or his mother shall surely be put to death,"- I whispered, scared and full of regret.

I heard him walk towards me. He kneeled and uncuffed me. I didn't know what was happening. Honestly, I was still too high to get what was going on around me.

- "Grab a shovel,"- he commanded and walked outside.

I was too weak to dig fast. I don't know how I was actually moving, but I was digging my own grave. I never thought I would ever end up doing such a thing. It's not something you think about, actually. Not unless you work in the BAU. Here, you start analyzing and considering the way you'll die: 'Cos you could, every day.

- "I ought to bury you alive in there, give you some time to think about what you've done,"- Hankel said and looked at me while I worked, playing with a knife.

- "I know what I've done."

- "Don't talk back to me! Dig!"

I pant and kept moving, very slowly, trying to buy myself some time too. I was sure the team was coming to get me any minute now. I was counting on them, though the more I thought about it, the less worthy of salvation I felt. Maybe I deserved to die after all.

I was almost certain I had seen some lights moving in the back. Flashlights. But it could be my mind playing tricks on me. I was too tired. And still too high, too.

- "Dig faster!"- he commanded me as I moved, losing my breath.

- "I'm not strong enough"- I cried, 'cos I felt like that. Like a failure, a child that aimed to be a grown-up and failed miserably. A bad son. The worst agent. A fake that deserved to die.

- "You are all weak!! Get out of there!"

Hankel took off his coat and left it on the ground. I slowly moved so he could dig for me, but the lights in the back took my attention, and he noticed. As soon as he turned around, I quickly grabbed his coat and reached out for the gun.

- "You've only got one bullet, son,"- he said as he looked at me. And I just pulled the trigger.

I shot him. I killed him. Hankel. Raphael. Tobias. I freed Tobias. Or at least, that is what I wanted to think.

- "Reid!!"- I heard (Y/N) yelling as I crawled to Tobia's body. He was still awake. He was himself.

- "You killed him"- he said, and he was relieved- "Do you think I'll get to see my mom again?"

- "I'm sorry,"- I whispered, and he was gone.

- "Reid!!"

(Y/N) yelled and ran over. She kneeled next to me and held me in her arms. I couldn't move, because for a few seconds, I couldn't believe she was real. She was there.

- "Honey, honey, are you ok? Can you hear me?"- she said, and tears started falling from her eyes- "Honey, it's me."

I just looked at her and hugged her. I hugged her as my life depended on it. There she was, next to me, finally.

- "I thought I was never going to see you again,"- I whispered and sobbed.

The urge to kiss her filled my whole body. I needed to taste her. I needed to show her how much I had needed her those days. But I knew I couldn't.

I didn't want to let her go. I didn't for a few minutes. I just hold onto her for my sanity. She kissed my forehead, cupping my face with both hands.

- "I'm so happy to see you. I'm glad you are ok... let's go to the ambulance, ok?"- I nodded but didn't let her go. I felt I could hold her forever. I wanted to keep her close for as long as I lived.

But the rest of the team gathered around us, and I wanted to thank them too. I needed to thank Hotch. So as soon as I let (Y/N) go, I wrapped my arms around him.

- "You alright?"- he asked me.

- "I knew you'd understand,"- I managed to say with tears falling from my eyes and a knot in my throat.

For a moment, I thought I was never going to see the team again. My family.

JJ held me close and apologized. I knew she felt guilty for leaving me alone, but I was the only one culpable for what had happened. I wanted to prove myself, and all I managed to do was prove I was a fool. A useless SSA.

- "It's alright, it wasn't your fault,"- I said and did my best to smile at her. But I know I failed. Gideon grabbed my arm and nodded.

- "Let's get you out of here."

- "Please,"- I whispered before we started walking- "Can I have a second alone?"- he looked at me and nodded, looking at Tobias' body lying by our side. He walked away, and I kneeled next to my capturer.

But instead of paying my respects, instead of cursing. Instead of anything, I took the Dilaudid bottles from his pocket and put them into mine.

And that's how the real hell started.

DIWK Taglist:

@all-tings-diego @big-galaxy-chaos @svveet-peas @muffin-cup @shilohpug

Spencer taglist

@calm-and-doctor

General Taglist

@spenxerslut @ash19871962

–

Do you want to be on the taglist or ramble about this chapter with me? Just send me a message here.

Next update: May 5th, 2021

#Spencer Reid #criminal minds #spencer reid fanfic #babymetaldoll writes #cm fanfic #criminal minds fanfic #Emily prentiss #Aaron Hotchner #jennifer jareau #derek morgan #penelope garcia #emily prentiss #babymetaldoll edits #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid fanfiction

172 notes · View notes