#also also can you tell they make me extremely unwell <3

[pretty-little-mind33]

James Potter x slytherin!fem!reader

Summary: When your "friends" play a dangerously stupid prank on you, James is the last person you'd think would help you.

Genre: Fluff, hurt and comfort <3

Warning: swearing, mentions of being drugged/drunk, violence, mentions of blood, protective!James

JAMES POTTER MASTERLIST

When James sees you walk into the classroom with an unusually cheery smile, he can't look away.

"Sirius," he pauses and leans in closer to his friend, "does she look unwell to you?" James whispers, clearly concerned for you. Sirius lets his chin rest on his palms as he looks over at you nonchalantly.

You almost trip on your shoe-laces as you make your way to your desk and you laugh a little too loudly, but only James seems to notice that particular detail.

"Y/l/n? She seems quite happy to me," Sirius's smirk is heard in his voice but James doesn't look amused. 

"No, something's wrong. She's usually quiet and she," he doesn't finish his sentence when he sees your friends in the corner of the classroom.

Some of them look as concerned as he is while most hide smiles and snickers behind their hands as they look at you. James's eyes bounce back to you and his frown deepens. Something is wrong. Instantly, he's on his feet.

"Prongs!?" Sirius sounds surprised but it's no use trying to stop him because James is already on his way to you.

Just as you raise your arm to run a hand in your – already annoyed – desk partner's hair, James quickly swoops in and catches your wrist. You pause and when you turn your head to look at him, your smile widens. 

"Potter!" you slur.

James can be an idiot sometimes, but he does know you're not drunk. He's never seen you drink. You look dizzy and he comes to the conclusion you must be under the influence of some kind of spell. He looks you over and sees the nasty cut on your knee. Anger bubbles in his stomach as he remembers how your friends somehow found this all incredibly funny. 

You tilt your head at him slightly and say, "You have pretty eyes, did you know that?" you smile a smile James usually loves and was never directed at him before, but by now the entire classroom has their eyes on you and, because he knows you would hate all this unnecessary attention, James helps you stand.

You let out a breathy giggle when his hands find your waist and hold you steady.  

"What are you doing?" a shrill voice asks from behind him and James clenches his jaw. He turns around. It's one of your friends. She's also in Slytherin and as hard as he tries, James can't remember her name.

"Helping your friend," he says blankly, "She seems a little out of it, doesn't she?"

"She's fine," your friend rolls her and tucks her dark hair behind her ear. "Aren't you, Y/n?" she asks you with a faint smirk.

Your body sways and James's arms move from your waist and swoops around you to hold under your armpits. "I'm okay — y-yeah, I'm okay. I feel better than fine," You mutter, eyelids fluttering slightly as you giggle at his touch.

James isn't at all convinced you're okay. 

Your friend's cruel smirk and the mystery of how you've bruised your knee leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.

"She's bleeding," he states as calmly as he can. 

"She's just clumsy." 

"She's obviously been hexed or something," James narrows his eyes.

Your friend laughs at his accusatory tone. "What? And you think I did it?"

"Yeah, actually, I do."

At this point, it's obvious you aren't paying attention to their argument as you start to play with James's collar. His cheeks flush pink as your hair skims his chin and the smell of your shampoo fills the air.

"Well if you won't tell me what happened to her, then I'll find out myself," he says and his hand moves to hold yours. "Come on," he whispers sweetly and you let him lead you out of the classroom.

James is extremely careful with you. He makes sure you don't trip in the hallway, or run into any doors and walls, and more importantly he stays with you when the nurse comes to make sure you're okay.

He leans over the hospital bed as his hand hover over your knee as he asks, "What's happened to her?" 

"Veritaserum," the nurse says as she presses her palm on your forehead. 

"The truth serum?" James is confused. "Doesn't that make someone tell the truth? Why would it make her act so," he turns his head to look at you and conflicting emotions creates what feels like an empty pit in his stomach. You look so beautiful with your eyes blown wide as you glance around the room. "So ditzy?" he finishes in an endeared whisper.

"It isn't uncommon as everyone can have different reactions," The nurse explains as she gently inspects your knee, "I think whoever made this potion must not be particularly skilled."

James clenches his fist around his cloak and tries to remind himself that you probably wouldn't want him to beat up your so-called-friends.

"What's happening to me?" your voice comes out strained as you try and focus on their conversation as you catch on to their confused faces. 

"Nothing, honey, you're fine. Your friend was worried and he," 

You interrupt her, "James Potter? Oh, he isn't my friend." You look up at James and his smile disappears. He's embarrassed as he searches your face for any indication that you're joking but clearly you aren't because you ask him. "Potter, do you even know my name?" You sound serious.

James hesitates to answer, "Of course I know your name, Y/n," he finally admits.

He doesn't expect your eyes to light up but they do and you turn to the nurse, "He does know my name," you whisper with a smile.

James's heart swells at how happy you seem and he smirks a little. Amused, the nurse lets you continue, "You'know," you lean in closer and mutter just loud enough for James to hear without you knowing, "I really like him."

Surprised, his heart jumps and the nurse panics as he quickly shuts you up. "Alright honey, let's clean up this nasty little wound and then wait for the potion to pass, ok?" you nod and focus on her as she waves her wand across your knee and the cut disappears. 

Once she's done, the nurse turns to James and says, "I know you must be curious, Potter, but I think Y/l/n should be alone while she recovers," the nurse turns to you again and looks at you sympathetically.

"He can stay!" you insist, "I want him to stay."

James looks into your eyes and he wonders how he can even think of disappointing you.

But, when he looks at the nurse again his heart sinks. He can't stay, he knows he can't. It would be unfair. You deserve to keep your secrets — all those feelings you wouldn't share with him normally — hidden away in your pretty little head. 

James knows he can't take those away from you so he nods, stuffs his hands in his pockets, and sends you a lopsided smile. "I'll see you around, mmh?" 

He leaves before he can focus on the way you called his name because if he does, he knows he'd feel compelled to rush back in and stay by your side. On his way back to the classroom, he can't help but smile as he remembers your words. Only, his smile disappears the moment he hears your friends in the hallway. 

James stops in front of them and they do the same. The girl from earlier crosses her arms. "What's your issue, Potter?" she snarls, "Where's Y/n?"

James refuses to answer her question. "You gave her the Veritaserum, didn't you?" he accuses and some of your friend's squirm guiltily. The dark-haired girl just smirks.

"So what if we did? She isn't dying, is she? It was funny," she turns to your other friends with a grin and they nod meekly. "You should have seen her stumbling around, she wasn't even fazed when she fell and scraped her knee on the cobblestones. It was hilarious," she continues.

James's face burns from the points of his ears to his cheeks. "Hilarious?!" he repeats, his voice stern, "What kind of friends find it funny when their friend hurts themselves? She didn't know about the Veritaserum, did she?" 

The girl shakes her head but one of your other friends interrupts. He's a tall, lanky Slytherin with icy blue eyes and vibrant auburn hair.

"Of course she didn't know, Potter. It wouldn't be as fun if she did. I would think you would understand," he admits with a grin.

James's hands shake as he stares at your friend rambling. The boy only chuckles and turns to his friends, amused, as he taunts, "Slipped the potion in her drink myself this morning."

He doesn't finish his sentence as James punches him. He stumbles back into the girls, cupping his hands around his nose, as they shriek in surprise. James shakes his hand out a little and narrows his eyes. "You don't spike someone's drink, asshole. And don't fucking insinuate I would ever do something like that to anyone!"

"What the fuck? Why do you even care?" The boy hisses as one girl holds his shoulder and tends to him. "You're crazy." 

And sure, maybe James was crazy but he won't tolerate someone hurting you. 

Ever. 

* * *

"James, just give the poor girl some space," Remus sighs as he tries to concentrate on his essay. "She's gone through enough these last few days. Haven't you heard the rumors going around? They're brutal."

James resists the scream that bubbles in his throat. "I know. I know. I just want to be there for her," he whines and Sirius wraps his arm around his shoulder.

"You'll just make things worse," Sirius says, "Last rumor I heard is that she faked it all for your attention." 

James clenches his jaw. "How would I make this worse? It's all so fucking cruel, Pads. She's all alone," his heart has been slowly breaking whenever he thinks of you sobbing in your dorm or sitting alone during your classes and meals. 

He shuts his eyes a moment and then sits up abruptly and says, "I know what to do."

Remus looks up and with a worried expression, his eyes widen. "Prongs," he starts but James is already standing. "Sirius! Don't let him leave!" Remus insists but it's too late because their friend is already out the Common Room door. 

When James enters the Great Hall, he pauses and searches for you. He sees you sitting alone and he becomes so angry he can't think normally.

He storms up to the Slytherin table and jumps on top of it. Some cutlery and food falls to the floor and students turn their heads. James just clears his throat, making a show as he stumbles on his feet. 

If everyone wants to gossip about something, they can gossip about this. 

With a grin, he spreads his arms and shouts, "Can I have everyone's attention?" The Great Hall turns silent and James struts down the table until he's much closer to you. You feel your cheeks heat up and you hold your breath.

Remus and Sirius run into the Great Hall, calling James's name but it's too late because James is now standing in front of you as he holds out his hand. "Y/n, will you go out with me?" He asks, his voice loud and calm.

Whispers break out as your heart thumps in your chest. You look into James's eyes, searching them and when you reluctantly take his hand he nods a little and pulls you up onto the table with him. 

Quickly, he pulls you closer and then whispers in your ear, "Say no. Trust me." 

Your frown deepens but the words leave you without thinking, "No?" 

James smirks and just subtle enough for no one to see, he kisses your cheek and pulls you away from him. Dramatically, he stumbles backwards and covers his heart. "Ow, you're killing me here, love. What will I do without you?"

If you didn't know he had just asked you to reject him, you would think he sounds genuinely hurt. As he stumbles, he trips on someone's glass and with a loud crash, he falls to the ground.

Students gasp loudly and so do you as you cover your mouth with your hands and rush to the edge of the table and peer down at him. When you see him sitting on the ground he suddenly blows a kiss up to you, a small paper bird flutters up to you and then turns into rose petals.

Your eyes widen and you can't help but laugh when James continues to make a scene and the petals fall in your hair. "You're breaking my heart, darling. Criminal," James whispers and winks dramatically. 

"James Potter, detention. Now," McGonagall's voice booms and when James sees you hide a smile behind your hand, he smiles too.

A while later, as James sweeps up McGonagall's classroom floor, all he can think of is your happy smile.

"James?" Your voice interrupts his memory and he jumps a little, turning towards the door. You stand in the doorway, a flustered look on your face as you hesitate to come inside. James drops the broom and rushes over to you. 

His knuckles hover over your cheek as he says, "Y/n, are you okay?"

Your eyes widen and you touch his hand. Gently, you pull it down to his side again as you whisper and ask, "What was that all about?"

James searches your face for anger. "I wanted to take the embarrassment off of you. You don't deserve anything that's been happening to you, love. None of it is your fault."

You look at him more seriously. "Yeah, it's been a little hard but I can handle the teasing. You shouldn't have done that," you say and James's heart clenches in his chest. 

"I'm sorry if I upset you, Y/n. I just wanted,"

You interrupt him, "No. I mean you shouldn't have asked me to say no," you pause and look up at him, "unless, you don't actually want to go out with me. But, I know you know how I feel about you and I,"

Your sentence dies and you don't know what else to say. 

James's expression softens. You look up at him, almost pleading with him, "Please don't make me repeat what I said in the Hospital Wing. It's so embarrassing, and I know you heard me. I wasn't exactly quiet."

James smirks. "When you said you like me?" he holds up his finger and pretends to ponder, "No I'm sorry, you really like me," his smile widens as he looks at you. You feel warmth in your cheeks and look away.

"Yeah, that."

"Well, I really like you too."

Your eyes widen and you look up at him. James uses his thumb to lift your chin. You realize how close your body is to his and your breath hitches in your throat. James's hand moves to your cheek, caressing it softly as you whisper, "You do?"

James lets out a breathy chuckle. "Of course I do. You're beautiful, kind, incredibly smart it's annoying," his eyes are full of admiration, "What's there not to like, darlin'?"

You frown, glancing quickly at the emblem stitched onto my robes and then you look at him again. "But, I'm a Slytherin. I didn't even think you ever knew who I was until last week. We've never really talked."

James's smile falters and his thumb moves behind your ear as he holds your cheek. "That's my fault. I should have said something sooner but with my reputation and all," he looks away, his face twisted in shame, "I didn't want to scare you away."

You see the sincerity in his eyes but ask wearily, "So it doesn't bother you?" 

"That you're in Slytherin?" James smiles a little. "No, it doesn't, love. I don't care. I've seen how you are and I think you're absolutely lovely," he catches himself, "I mean, I'm not saying Slytherin's aren't lovely,"

You shut him up with a kiss. It's confident and startling but James doesn't complain. He simply pulls you in closer and lets his mouth explore yours with a passion he didn't know he had. He didn't know how starved he was of your taste until now.

Fuck, he's fucked. 

You pull away, lips wet and stare at him. "Sorry," you mutter.

"Sorry?" James frowns and leans in to kiss you again, "Don't you dare be sorry. Just kiss me," his words leave you a mush in his arms and you're happy for his hand around your back because otherwise you would fall over. 

When he finally disconnects your lips, he leans his forehead on yours and whispers what he'd been thinking, "You'll kill me, love."

You smile and hold his arm. "Thanks for saving me by the way, when I was under the potion," you say. 

James leans away and studies your soft expression with a small smile. "I'd be an asshole not to help you. I didn't want to see you get hurt." 

"Still, if you hadn't seen that something was wrong I don't know what would have happened."

"Nothing would have happened because I was there," James insists and kisses your forehead, "I'll always be there." He adds in a whisper into your hair.

It's only for him to hear. He doesn't want to just tell you he's there for you, instead he wants to show you. Everyday.

[emersonfreepress]

help i'm alive

So! Long time, no see. 2023 was a whole goddamn lot lol

I don't have a demo update to share yet, but that's because I had to scrap nearly everything I managed to write during a very, very, very bad stint of writer's block last year. I hadn't even realized it had been a block like that until I went over my work so far last month and realized it was bad -- like, trust me; a slog to read that didn't even sound like me. It's been extremely frustrating but I've finally broken free of that and it's been easy and actually fun to write again for the first time in actual years. I just hate giving updates that have no actual news in them. And I really had nothing to share other than: I deleted thousands of words and feel so much better now 😅

Anyway, little about my demo plans have changed: I'm still putting out the Chapter 3 demos in Choicescript/on Dashingdon and then will be going dark to move things over to Twine. Where I am in the process right now is... feeling like 35% done with the overhauled version of this chapter and 50% done for the next demo update.

As far as asks, I'm... not really sure what to do?? I believe I've read them all (I love you guys), but so much time has passed since getting most of them that I'm not sure if it's, like... still pertinent??? To go back and answer them?? I suppose some of them like character asks could be, but all the nice messages of support -- that feels weird since I've practically ghosted this blog since August! Idk. Y'all tell me what to do with 'em and I'll do it. Maybe I should make a poll.

Uh... that's really all there is to say regarding the game! I've added some personal stuff after the cut, but if you're done here: Thanks for reading and sticking around. It means the world, for real.

So what has occupied my time all this time? Doctor, therapy, money, and friends. And improv! But especially the first two. There was a lot of non-writing related stuff fucking up my ability to focus and write, so hopefully with my mind and body both feeling a lot better, I can get back to being present and active with the game. I didn't realize how physically unwell I was until last year and it's been like... life-long issues I've been treating. It turns out it's not normal to feel exhausted enough to sleep at any given time, at all times, for your whole life! wow!!

I also uninstalled Tumblr from my phone back in February, so you could say I'm sort of generally focused on offline life. (And what an interesting coincidence that my writer's block dissipated shortly after that...) I also just moved!! The last two weekends have been so expensive and stressful -_- But I can't even compare the old place to the new. We're basically paying the same price for idek how much more space. The cats are so happy; which means the house humans get to be happy.

My schedule is finally freed up from constant medical shit (there was a 3-month stretch this winter with multiple doctor appointments literally every fucking week 🙃🙃🙃). My mental health is doing a lot better -- literally incomparably better compared to where I was this time last year. There's live comedy now (which I dabble in, to be clear lol), but I've finally found myself able to like... balance it all. The physical and creative energy that goes into it all, anyway. The lovely thing about improv is that you kinda just show up and do your thing -- it doesn't cut into my writing time so much as it costs energy. Unless I end up in this comedy debate show thing next month, which I am very excited to give up writing time for

So like... Life is life-ing and I'm just vibing. Or something? I'll be around.

Thank you all again so much for your interest, support, patience, and readership <3

[ch6sos]

random choso headcanons

i <3 choso i <3 making odd ball headcanons so here u guys go

content warning mentions of "metabolism", social anxiety/anxiety (not bad though) + motion sickness, and this is not proofread and lowercase so if any of those Like makes you tingle please don't read this my sweet

he’s emo as hell, he listens to emo music. now he's the one i actually imagine listening to my chemical romance, pierce the veil, etc. (bc with nanami I feel like he'd listen to more 80s-90s rock music but this isn't about my first husband)

he suffers from insomnia and finds it difficult to sleep unless he has someone he cares about in the room or at least snuggling with him.

peacemaker: he is a peacemaker when it comes to his brothers.

"hey yuji, you should really share with him. "

"no!"

"yuji...." 

"fine."

he has an earthy aroma—he often uses colognes with earthy notes that are not overpowering (i  think he might be sensitive to strong scents).

i imagine him experiencing motion sickness. for some reason, i imagine him feeling dizzy in a car, or being unable to handle a rollercoaster without feeling extremely unwell.

would probably work at your local hot topic especially if this was set during the 2000s era where hot topic was actually catered to the alternative scene. or a tattoo shop!

several piercings. on his left ear, he has an industrial, a triple lobe piercing, and a conch— his right having a double helix piercing, a tragus, and a single lobe piercing.... and then he has an eyebrow piercing and a labret piercing :)

enjoys watching christmas movies because a lot of them are about family!

deeply family-oriented, he genuinely just wants to grow up with a family. a big one, too.

thus he may have a fear of being alone, which makes me believe that he is introverted but also genuinely afraid of ending up alone as he grows older. he values the presence of family and wants to ensure that they always surround him.

he comes across as a bit shy initially, not necessarily awkward, but it takes some time to get to know him.

still not too talkative but genuinely chill to talk to.

has a lot of accessories when he wears outfits, especially bracelets or necklaces. 

black is what you find in his closet. just black (and a couple of purples and reds but mainly black)

he be thrifting them outfit pieces too idc idc he not a shein warrior

is a bit insecure about his dark circles and markings on his face (i could imagine he still has the markings but they look more like a scar rather than what it looks like in the actual manga/anime) so he begins to cover them up with concealer sometimes.

eats a LOT of junk food and somehow doesn't gain weight. bro probably can eat a whole box of pizza with wings and doesn't even gain a pound.

he is genuinely clueless/oblivious when it comes to relationships like he doesn't know when someone's flirting with him unless they tell them straight up. and when they tell him he's like:

"...oh! me...?" because he genuinely thinks, “wow, someone likes me?!?!”

plus he would ask before initiating even after being in a relationship

“do… do you mind if i kiss you?”

“cho we’ve been dating for five months”

“oh… i’m sorry for asking… again.”

spends a lot of time on his hair !!! he has to wake up early sometimes just to do his hair. and he doesn't plan on cutting it, only trims it once in a while.

when he's home he either has it down or has it in a ponytail. he even has a silk pillowcase so it never gets frizzy.

cats or dogs— no. he likes turtles. he even has a pet turtle.

i think that he wouldn't vape or smoke the way people might expect him to. i believe he may have a weak immune system, which would make it difficult for him to engage in such activities.

socially anxious as hell bro tweaks out when he has to order at a restaurant... 

but overall he’s an anxious person, i feel like he’d suffer from anxiety a lot (as someone who has anxiety i just can tell he’d be the type to have it too)

when he dates someone he's really touchy with them because he craves physical touch. he especially enjoys when someone plays with his hair he falls asleep in a millisecond.

he loves sketching in a notebook, he loves drawing nature a lot! he likes going to the park or a forest and drawing what he sees. he also enjoys drawing people and i imagine he always draws pictures of yuji too, and he shows them to him.

tease him and his face is red, his eyes are widened, and his face is in absolute shock...

literally the sweetest guy ever; he's always looking out for everyone and makes sure everyone around him is okay

he's always cold thus needs someone to cuddle him.

is fascinated by some amphibians and watches national geographic sometimes when he knows they're going to talk about amphibians. especially frogs!

his most used app on his Black iPhone 13 Pro Max would be Spotify and he is top 0.1% listener for some underrated metal band

creative hobbies more than physical hobbies (sketching, journaling, sewing)

HE CROCHETS IDC WHAT ANYONE SAYS HE LITERALLY MADE A CROCHET ROSE FOR YUKI I D O NOT GIVE A DAMN 

when he laughs it's like a silent soft chuckle, and he usually covers his mouth when he does it

gets emotional easily, especially when he receives love. for a long time, he couldn’t believe that he would ever be loved so when he is receiving affection he gets overwhelmed and tries not to cry because he thinks “how?? why me?”

he loves holding hands. he tries not to freak out but when someone holds his hands when he’s freaking out or just in general, he loves the feeling of their warm hands against his very cold ones

apologises alot even though everything is not his fault

when he’s mad he needs time to cool off especially because he gets emotional easily. he needs time to himself before calming down before discussing his emotions with someone.

speaking of emotions, i don’t think he’d be bad at expressing emotions or speaking about it, at first yes but he begins to grow better at it and plus sometimes the way he shows emotion is more impulsive and involuntary rather than on purpose

listens more than talks because he is too busy getting sidetracked by his own thoughts or he genuinely can't talk to people sometimes

he has a fidget toy because he is always fidgeting with his fingers so yuji got him a fidget toy (probably a fidget spinner) and was fascinated with it and it didn’t help it just something he distracts himself with when he doesn’t feel like being present in a conversation or just in general

cried when yuji graduated and gave him the hugest hug of his life. and i don’t mean a few tears he BAWLED he was bawling because he was so proud of his little brother.

spends time with yuji a lot sometimes more than his own friends and they always go to the arcade or mall together

yuji got him a picture frame of him and choso posing and choso cried for several days because he couldn’t believe he has such an amazing brother

learns gen z lingo just for yuji

“oh yuji! that was very w rizz of you!”

“...what?”

“i didn’t know you had that much aura!”

I  Love Him

Missing him come back emo king

[boxwinebaddie]

miss ninaaa why did u delete the kyley b origin story jewelery ask, i was IN LOVE with ittt

Anonymous asked:

wha happened to the kyley b post i miss iy already nina :(

AAAAAAAAH. :'( </3

so when i went to bed last night, i saw this first anon and already felt bad, but now that this second one has come in, i just want to say...

...that i am so, SO sorry, my loves.

and to quote every bad movie breakup scene ever:

it's not you, it's me.

( and specifically my very fucked up brain. )

HERE is the link to the kyley b (jew)elery origin post.

i plucked it out of the lost and pound just for you.

i'm...sorry, i deleted it.

**and heavily edited it; it was bugging me.

the short version of my answer is that i developed a very poor coping mechanism for stress/perceived inferiority where even though i love my ncu content, i convince myself that it's bad and i hate it, to the point where i 'make it disappear' so that it's no longer an eyesore.

the very long, personal mental health uncle nina psychological eval with a lowk frightening beginning and hopeful ( i think? ) end is below. tw for depressing thoughts and mentally-ill framing.

I Hope You Heal. <3

because, unfortunately, as a bipolar two girlie, i am extremely prone to spells and spirals of depression ( especially in the summertime ), which, when combined with my already self-confidence cannibalizing anxiety disorder creates a very toxic, negative, medieval torture chamber of a headspace which makes makes my brain…

Very Unwell.

in essence, because of how frighteningly fragile i become, even tiniest inkling of doubt in my mind can poison the entire inkwell...and when that happens, even though i know, deep down, in a healthy, reasonable place, that the content i curate is well-composed, well-received writing that i am passionate about and should be proud of...the cracks and fissures that form in my heart and pysche from the broiler room of pressure i put on myself to preform create several vulnerable visceral openings for My Imposter Syndrome to worm into.

but instead of whispering sweet, sweet nothings, it's doomsay screaming awful, awful Everythings! that this thing you wrote that you love? not good enough. Everyone Is Going To Hate That. the people who liked that post? they just feel sorry for you and if you had any remorse, you would feel sorry for subjecting them to something so underwhelming, stupid, embarrassing and beneath them.

You Should Delete It.

[ DELETE. ] IT.

...aaaaand because the sirens are going off in my head, i feel like the walls are closing in, i frantically press the panic button ( delete post ) and think that i am doing everyone a favor bc not only are you no longer having to read what my extremely overloaded and anxiety corroded brain has classified as "EMBARRASSINGLY BAD" work, but i no longer have to feel ashamed bc it's

Gone.

or well...Privated. ( in this case. )

because i DO work so hard on everything i post that even when i think that it is extremely underwhelming no matter what i do, it is Hard for me to delete it because of the brain-power, intensive-typing and heart that went into making them...so like...it's a strange thing because i know that it's just an echo-chamber of evil lies and untruths, but when i'm rocking back and forth, with my chest eating my knees, and my entire education degree goes out the window when i can't teach myself how to breathe because of how bad i feel...

it's hard.

but...like i tell my kindergarteners everyday.

You Can Do HARD Things.

life is not easy, but it is worth it.

loving yourself is not easy...

But YOU Are Worth It.

unfortunately, i am a better at preaching than practicing. but a large part of my irl job is modelling good behavior and on here, i was deeply moved and touched to find that so many of you think so highly of me, so i also want to model good behavior on here.

which hinges on honesty...and hope.

so, basically, i did delete my post, which is made me feel good in the moment, but overall is not kind to myself ( or to the people who enjoyed reading the thing i randomly killed with knives and hammers because it wasn't 'Perfect' ) and i do not like modelling avoidant behavior, but it is also important to show you that i struggle, that it is okay to feel strange and sad, but that i am working on...not deleting my posts because i am a perfectionist/scared of letting you all down.

which...was clearly not the case? Wowza.

i really did not realize so many people cared about that, aha! but please feel free to ask me anything about kyley b kyle ( i have been trying to generate my thoughts and form some hcs actually! i love him being a sardonic, smart alecky delinquent boy in giant ed hardy jeans and a million different street fighter gta rings on his fingers )

also feel free to ask me anything, flashback related, random hc related, personal or otherwise! i know i've got a ton in the box, but i promise that just because i'm going through a lot and posting sporadically, doesn't mean you have be a stranger...

Just Be Gentle.

with me and as always,

with yourselves.

-uncle nina, doing her best <3

[mightnotfeelrealbutitsok]

I finally watched The Handsome Stranger (Vicar of Dibley). I'm unable to break the RA addiction. The episode actually made me unwell, imagining if true love could be that pure and easy. Damn it Geraldine and Harry are so adorable and relationship goals...

G is convinced she's going to hate this townie tosser and then she sees his sweet face and thinks whoops

their first conversation is about books that's just dreamy and H likes Birdsong and G likes Jane Austen

they're both so forward with their flirting but also light-hearted

H thinks vicars are sexy but doesn't know G is the vicar which is perfect

first date = dinner

they deceive each other about their jobs but it just enhances the date

G gets straight down on her knees and begs God when she gets home because she wants H so bad

H can't stop coming back to the door to see her again and tell her it was lovely and he hangs there looking at her like she's his world

G sets out the rules for no kisses until date 3 and they're open and and joking and clearly saying they like each other

they're both so elated by their relationship that everything around them looks wonderful

G spots H walking in the distance and sprints to be able to catch up and be with him

second date = holding hands on a village walk

third date = H turning up at G's house while she's watching Sense and Sensibility

they talk about how romantic the end of Sense and Sensibility is

H really cheats the date system so that he can tell G he's owed a kiss

the soft goodbye kiss at the door causes bodily shut down

they both smile constantly in each other's company and when they part ways they keep smiling to themselves

H is nervous about proposing and had to discuss it with his sister and worried if it was too soon and he's so innocently pleased when it appears the answer is yes

the Sense and Sensibility parallels as G fears H is engaged to someone else and then makes the improbable sound when she finds out otherwise

G runs off screaming when she realises H wants to marry her which is extremely valid

H says I loved you as soon as I laid eyes on you and we're absolutely meant to be together and we will always be happy

The other episode may well make me sob inconsolably.

[becauseanders]

Would you tell me about CYHMCYtSM: 3? ✨

yes! this is a post-arishok duel recovery fic! that hasn't updated since november 2022, whoops! i guess this one is taking a bit…

the next chapter is not at all done and is already over 5k, but it involves hawke fantasizing about having a mother to comfort her while she's unwell and having nightmares about it, trying to convince justice to make anders leave her because she's now absolutely terrified for his safety after meredith saw her use magic and assumes she was only made champion because she was pretty much on death's door and is scared about how much and for how long that's really going to protect her and if her new level of fame is going to put a bigger target on anders's head, and being a stubborn asshole and pushing herself to do things she's not ready to do and there being consequences to that (particularly involving me projecting an injury i had to have a couple of surgeries about back in 2020, and projecting the hell known as brainstem aura migraines, lol).

i also have it established in a post-canon fic that hawke has chronic pain issues for the rest of her life after the duel, and in the first chapter of this one it basically just goes that hawke was in way worse shape after the duel than varric was willing to tell cassandra.

and here's a snippet!

She catches the pale blue light from the corner of her eye, and she can’t help but turn towards it when she does.

“Anders? Justice?”

Her voice is wet and unsteady, and she decides there is no longer any point in continuing to actively avoid eye contact. The glow recedes.

She turns carefully onto her side, and Anders moves to lie on his side facing her.

“I’m here, love,” he says, cautiously grazing his hand across her cheek. “We’re here.”

“Justice, if you’re listening, you need to get Anders away from me. I can’t promise his safety or yours any longer. I’ve put us all in danger by exposing my magic to Meredith, and if either of you get hurt because of me…”

“No.” And that is distinctly Justice’s voice.

“Don’t you understand, I—”

“No.” More forceful, and this time it’s from Anders and Justice speaking as one.

“Love, I can’t keep you safe. I have a target on my head now, probably even larger than yours. If Meredith decides to investigate my friends, at least Merrill doesn’t fucking live with me. But if she decides my being Champion doesn’t extend protection to the people I love, not even to mention if she decides she can’t have an apostate in the city with power—for fuck’s sake, she probably only did that because apparently everyone thought I was going to die…”

“I’m not leaving you, Marian,” Anders alone says sternly. “I was so bloody terrified I was about to lose you, and now that I have you I’m supposed to walk away from that? You refused to heed my warnings, so you have to understand that I’m refusing yours.”

She is seething. Anders nearly flinches at the extreme change in her expression, and he thinks it’s Justice trying to reassure him that it’s not him she’s upset with.

“Anders. I would kill every single fucking person in this entire Maker-forsaken shithole city if I thought it would keep you and everyone I care for out of Meredith’s hands. But I can only do so much, and if they get to you before I can stop it—”

“Marian—”

“Anders. Stop and fucking think about this for one bloody second! I love you more than anything in the world and I never want to be without you, you have to know I don’t say this lightly. But I… Fuck, Anders, I…”

Anders knows she���s just afraid, he knows that feeling well, but he snaps despite himself. “Marian, I love you but if you want me to leave because you’ve finally come to your senses about me, tell me that and I’ll go.”

And she can’t tell him that, of course she can’t tell him that, but…

He continues, “But if you think for a moment that Meredith of all fucking people, if anyone fucking else is going to keep me from you—”

And that’s when she starts sobbing. Her previously steady soft crying transforms into weeping bordering on wailing, shaking and inconsolable.

“If anything happens to you because of me… I can’t ruin someone I love’s life again, I can’t…I can’t go through this again…”

Her words are barely intelligible through the howling she is desperately trying to suppress but can’t, every emotion she’s carrying coming out in full blast at full volume.

She carries so much on her shoulders, shoulders that now ache and twitch when she moves them.

“I can’t let you get hurt,” she says, whimpering. “I destroy everyone I love, and now you could be next. Anders, please…”

And Anders doubts it would help to remind her how the templars have been after him since long before he knew her and will be with or without her, he imagines that she’ll still insist it’s her responsibility somehow to ensure his safety. So he shows rather than continuing to tell, hoping he doesn’t hurt her in pulling her flush against him and gripping her shirt tight, concentrating on the fabric in his fists in an effort not to squeeze her.

He kisses her head, applying as little pressure as possible, over and over.

“It’s alright, love,” he mumbles to her, repeating what he knows are empty platitudes, but it feels better than silence.

[the-ragbros-are-okay]

can i just say that i am EXTREMELY unwell especially after kaeya visited dawn winery

lisa knew EXACTLY what she was doing when she told kaeya that he was the perfect person for the job so props to her bc if i can't reach through the screen and start their reconciliation arc then damn am i glad to have lisa start it for me

kaeya saying "...But I haven't been back there in a long time. This could be quite difficult to accomplish in just a single trip" they are missing each other and yet they won't talk to each other :( they are dumb <3

ALSO lisa saying "...and you know how diluc thinks better than anyone." YES HE DOES!!!! YES LISA HE DOES!!! YOURE SO RIGHT FOR THIS!!!!!! even though she's trying to extort diluc she's starting their reconciliation arc <3

kaeya saying that he'll head out right away with nearly no hesitation is so. he misses diluc so much :((((( also he was glad to have the traveler going with him bc going by himself would be so nervewracking and and and

walking up to dawn winery and paimon asks kaeya a question but he's so lost in thought that he just doesn't hear her. hey what if i cried. because. the last he was there was probably That Night, at least it seems that way from how he's talking

also can we just appreciate diluc's face when he sees kaeya:

this isn't disdain, it's just general annoyance at him and they're brothers, your honor

kaeya immeditely commenting on how cold diluc was being and then proceeding to follow it up with "...almost enough to make me feel unwelcome here, master diluc" because the last time kaeya was here he WAS unwelcome, at least, diluc really made it seem that way. and, for a time, maybe he was unwelcome

kaeya certainly believes he's always been unwelcome, which is shown later in the scene (we'll get to that)

"Don't forget that this is my home, too. I'm fairly certain that taking a trip home during festival season is a universal custom, common to all the cultures of Teyvat." NOTICE THE PRESENT TENSE HERE. "this is my home, too" damn right kaeya, it is, and even if he just said that to get on diluc's nerves, it at least WAS his home. one that he's felt unwelcome in for four years

kaeya being like "bitch the knights r poor and youre literally the wealthiest person around" and diluc is like "okay so what smh" they are BROTHERS

"everyone's just doing the best they can for Mondstadt" for Mondstadt. kaeya saying that to diluc's face, basically telling him that he's doing this for the good of mondstadt, and defending the knights of favionius in the process??? yes king, slay

kaeya guilt tripping him has me ROLLING ON THE FLOOR

"Anyway, speaking of the knights, everyone dearly hopes that you'll rejoin our ranks again one day. Then we'll be one big, happy family again."

TALKING ABOTU BEING A FAMILY AGAIN. AND A HAPPY ONE AT THAT. kaeya's telling diluc that everyone misses him and wants him to come back and then not-so-subtly sneaking in the part about family... i am. crying. he also looks SO happy while saying that??? that's such a sweet smile :(

"give that silver tongue of yours a rest" diluc knows EXACTLY what kaeya's doing and i think if kaeya kept saying things like that, diluc would be more likely to cave in, and diluc doesn't want that bc he still has these walls around him. also diluc just knowing kaeya's doing that on purpose shows how much he still knows him

diluc giving the knights wine :))

also yes paimon stay sober <3 please

okay the interesting part here that the traveler and paimon mention:

klee talks about razor finding his mother, since she's thinking about her mother all the time and loves her so much, and she wants razor to feel that same love from a mother that she has

kaeya talks about razor growing up too fast, and that he's still looking for his father. that. that is self explanatory. plus with the way he's saying it directly to diluc, i--

anyway, onwards

THEN DILUC SAYING THAT HE UNDERSTANDS WHAT KAEYA'S SAYING, I"M

"Always eager to help, and never forgets to return a favor. That's the Master Diluc I know."

this quote is interesting for multiple reasons. for one, it shows that when kaeya thinks of diluc, he sees the part of diluc that he knew when they were kids, which carries over to say that he doesn't think about That Night, and that he doesn't blame diluc for what happened then (which is only proven more by Hidden Strife)

DILUC ASKING THEM TO STAY FOR A MEAL AND KAEYA DECLINING BC HE DOESNT THINK HED BE WELCOME

ADELINDE COMING UP AND SAYING "NO STAY HERE" BECUASE DILUC WAS JUST GONNA GIVE UP ON TRYING TO SPEND TIME WITH KAEYA probably bc diluc thinks kaeya resents him for what happened and he doesn't want to push too far :(

kaeya. diluc himself invited you. they are so dumb <3

adelinde cares for him so much and him breaking out of his normally silver tongued ways and just saying "oh, uh..." bc he doesn't know how to respond to that!!!!! he's learning that he's welcome there and that they still care about him and that they want him to be there and to stay!!!!

DILUC AHAHHAAHH "What happened to your swagger? Lost for words?" diluc coming in with THE best line so far. that brotherly jab <333

kaeya immediatley being sheepish and looking kinda embarrassed at his own slip up and then diluc guilt tripping him back with "surely you wouldn't dream of disappointing adelinde?" as if kaeya was already having a hard time saying no to diluc hsjhsghskfd

they all had dinner together at the table just like they used to :)))) i am filled with SO much joy at this

also the fact that kaeya and diluc were bantering at the dinner table PLEASE my heart cant TAKE this

yes!!!! yes kaeya you can and should come back more in the future

you KNOW kaeya was giggling n shit when he left Dawn Winery like. yeah

[chungledown-bimothy]

1 and 13 for the choose violence ask game! (D20 themed unless you have fun answers for something else)

<3 <3 <3 because i've already answered 1 for d20 and have a much better answer for 13, i'm gonna go with kingdom hearts. (i'm sorry if this is completely unintelligible idk if you're a kh guy or not lol)

1- the character everyone gets wrong

terra. there's this widespread belief that he's stupid, but he's really, really not.

that opinion comes from the player having knowledge and genre-awareness that he doesn't. he has a trusting heart, but that's not mutually exclusive with intelligence.

he's in his late teens/early 20s, of course he's gonna trust xehanort, his teacher and mentor of ostensibly years, and it makes sense that he trusts maleficient at first, too. he's new onto the world, why the fuck would he not trust the person he meets right outside the castle with confident insider knowledge?

xehanort's been playing the game and pulling strings for decades (maybe centuries? the kh timeline is a goddamn disaster), as maleficent is also a master manipulator.

riku doesn't get shit for being manipulated by maleficent, terra shouldn't either.

and then there's the mental fortitude he displays. lingering will is a goddamn terrifying opponent, and you can't tell me it doesn't take a sharp mind to hold on to his sense of self for years as the dark figure bound to ansem sod (oh to be bound to billy zane) enough to see and seize the opportunity he gets in 3 to break free and save his friends, to make things right.

tldr terra's not stupid he's just got a big heart and was taken advantage of, and the english voice actor didn't do him any favors.

13- worst blorboficiation.

i say this as someone who is, in fact, extremely unwell about him, but axel gets blorbofied to hell.

yeah he's got a Tragic Backstory, but he did also very much commit completely cold-blooded assassinations (while having his whole Oh Wait I Can Feel Things? arc so it's not like the "Nobodies can't feel things" excuse applies)

yeah vexen he had to kill to keep his cover, and frankly he kinda had it coming, but zexion didn't need to die. certainly didn't deserve "you just found out too much" *snap* poof he's gone.

axel was being honest in his threats to hurt namine to get to marluxia. the man's consistently demonstrated a willingness to do whatever it takes to accomplish his goals, and he changes sides all the goddamn time. (which is funny bc of his whole abandonment issues thing but that's a whole other rant)

even after he's a guardian of light, he very much has "as a gentle reminder i am choosing kindness, which means that i am willing to explore other options if i feel the kindness is not working out" energy.

he's a cunt and has a massive violent streak, and that is something that often gets erased in the blorbofication.

[giantchasm]

top 10 pokemon characters/story arcs?

Hi! Sorry this response is coming a little late. I can take a bit to answer asks, but I swear in general I will get around to them. Life's just been hectic.

To answer your question, though (And assuming this only applies to mainline Pokemon— I'll do everyone a favor and spare you from hearing me talk about my feelings on PMD characters... unless people WANT to hear about those too?)

As a note, this is within the context of how well developed I think their characters/story were, so it's not in the order of my favorites in general. That would vary slightly. For example: I love Raifort, but her ass does NOT have that much going on. I'd also put Volo much higher up than I did on this list.

1 - N - Honestly, I had a lot of trouble deciding whether he or Lillie deserved first place. They're more or less a tie in my book. I think they both had character arcs handled extremely well in different ways. I ultimately opted for giving N this slot because I think BW is just the more thematically rich game as a whole, but I do love Lillie. N is just so fantastic, though. I love his arc as well as the different facets of his personality. He was the first character that was ever truly a "blorbo" in a fandom sense to me and with good reason. I would take Ibuprofen with him any day.

2 - Lillie - Like I said, Lillie almost made first place. I really do love her. I think her arc about learning to stand up for herself and generally carve out her identity as an abused child is extremely well done. She is my FRIEND and it made me VERY SAD when she left at the end of the game. I hope everyone who complains about Sun & Moon's story without ever having actually bothered to engage with it blows up forever.

3 - Arven - Say what you will about Scarlet and Violet- they're buggy, rushed games, but their story slaps. I think Arven's arc and the general way he's characterized is super well done. Although that goes for all of the ScarVi cast! I think they're just sincerely good characters. Blowing up everyone who didn't pay attention to the story then had the audacity to complain about it being bad with my mind here as well. [This is malice directed specifically towards Alpharad for his read on Penny, but don't tell anyone that]

4 - Silver - Silver's interesting in that he comes from a time when Pokemon character arcs weren't super defined but he has such a solid one, so he really stands out! I love him learning to open up, trust, and love his Pokemon and think the way that story is told organically through elements such as his Golbat finally evolving is wonderful. His Pokemas event with Ho-Oh made me cry.

5 & 6 - Cheren and Bianca - I feel weird separating these two because of the way their arcs parallel each other, so they're going together. They really do exemplify the way that Black and White were sincerely well-written games and I love their individual stories as well as the way they play into the themes of the overarching story as a whole.

7 - Cyrus - What a character. Cyrus is well and truly one of the most offputting yet interesting characters in the entire series. His nihilistic outlook burying what little he does seem to sincerely care about is so fascinating, and his backstory easily gives him even more depth. He's just this guy who's like... sincerely mentally unwell, and not in a cartoon villain way. He has legit psychological issues. I would love to study him under a microscope.

8 - Volo - This guy's one of my favorite Pokemon characters, but even I've gotta admit he doesn't actually have that much going on. I feel like so much of what I like about him just came from my head. That said, he has a fun charisma about him, even in canon, and I loved getting stabbed in the back. Please stab me in the back more, GameFreak. ([A flying ice-cream truck appears over my head, a la SpongeBob] IN THE STORY! PLEASE DON'T STAB ME IN THE BACK BY MAKING DISAPPOINTING GAMES...)

9 - Barry - Yet another fantastic character from gen 4. I love him realizing he needs to actually take some things seriously and the way he grapples with his failure to protect the Pokemon of the lake. For the third time in this post I'm blowing people up with my mind, specifically the people who just see him as annoying and loud and don't pay attention to the way he changes over the course of the game. ADHD king.

10 - Bede - Tbh... I don't know if Bede actually deserves to be on this list. I think it's probably a little offensive to put any SWSH character on this list. But truth is... I just like him! Even if it was ostensibly poorly executed, I'm a complete sucker for the "spoiled brat gets smacked in the face by reality and has to learn some goddamn humility" trope, and he embodies it well. I also like how ultimately he finds himself and his place in the world through embracing things stereotypically associated with femininity :) I simply think it's nice.

[fluffypotatey]

Leverage ep 9

No pre-game thoughts, y’all, we going straight into this bitch!

[spoilers. you’ve been warned]

The Snow Job - Reaction

Oooooh synopsis is interesting 👀

OH???? Cop forcing a POC family out of their house so some corporate real estate can take it????? NO IM NOT MAD HUSH

NVM I AM MAD

ACAB BITCH

YES BABE FUCK THEM UP

PINCH THEM

Oh shit we talking about Hurricane Katrina???? More like hurricane tortil—*gunshots*

take a shot every time someone mentions having kids to Ford lmaoooooooo (*cough* so sorry for your loss dude, honestly that sucked *cough*)

oh ho ho! flashback trauma

“no just the cookies” never change Parker

Is Ford….hungover???? Bro why (she asks, knowing damn well why)

oooooooooh Sofie’s mad 🫢 Ford you in deep shit

Wait, so what is a luge????

ok i am sensing an intervention for Ford this episode

extreme intervention

OH THE RACECAR ICE TUNNEL DEATH THING THATS A LUGE

yeah? yeah, i think that’s it

Eliot, why are so acting like a dork you’re gonna make me fall for you T^T

Parker, never change <3 love you

ELIOT WHAT IS THAT PHOTO

NOT THE HUG

wowwwwwww, gross ew

even more gross

like i already hate this contractor/real estate family but now i’m just gagging

emo Denis 😂

intersting 👀 why are their comma weird 👀

totally not worried. nope. all will be well :)

nvm Denis you’re also gross

HE IS A FUCKING INCEL I KNOW IT IN MY HEART

YES DENIS EXPOSE YOURSELF YOU ASSHOLE

Ford, I am worried about you

Eliot let Hardison talk 😠

cops???? again???? why would they listen, they didn’t do shit

APPLE PIE?????

same Parker

take a shot every time Ford reaches for a drink

i am currently terrified of deranged Ford

prediction: I want Alec as the doctor

gross part 5

oh shit the popo????

oop just realized i spelled Dennis wrong

ACAB

WE CAN DO WHAT????? TO HER WHAT

Eliot, you’re so cute

Retzings Racketeering…..Racketeering Retzings…..Rocket….Racketeering…..Retzings….guys, i think i cracked the code

Sofie: *trying to give Parker acting advice….she is failing*

THEY ARE NOT DOING ROCK PAPER SCISSORS TO INJECT A CORPSE 😂😂😂😂

dennis you’re so rude

YES THE TRIO IS TOGETHER

IS PARKEE GOING TO— OMFG

she’s so mad lmao

YES INTERVENTION TIME

Does ‘skip some rope’ mean what I think it means????

ooooooooooooh family drama 👀

damn Pam looks very similar to Parker

OH WAIT I KNOW IT WAS YOU PARKER

FAMILY DRAMA INTENSIFIES 💕👀💕👀

the boys are fighting 🥰

LMAO GET WRECKED BITCHES

HEY WHAT WAS THAT FLASHBACK FOR

Ford, i love you (please drink healthy)

oooooooh irony is a bitch and i love her

awwww they gave the house to the family 🥺🥺🥺🥺

“Give me a reason to stay” THE AUDIBLE GASP FROM MY MOUTH

General Thoughts

Honestly love this episode. Got worried a little bit in the beginning bc Ford was acting concernly unwell. Also, it’s funny how much I need to remind myself that the gang’s jobs always end well because I am so used to the opposite kind of heist story. The Nate/Sophie content was 🤌🤌🤌🤌 *chef’s kiss* Eliot was fucking adorable (he confuses me beyond no end, his backstory is so wild, tell me your PAST I WANNA KNOW SO BAD—) Hardison is beautiful and clever as always and Parker, my queen, was her unapologetic self 🥰

so yeah, great episode, on to the next 👀

[remyfire]

Okay but BJ/Hawkeye/Sidney is such a good rare ship! One of the first MASH fics I read was for that OT3 before I even met 2/3 characters involved but GOD was it written so well and reminded me of another OT3 very close to my heart so I just sort of latched on lmao. And frankly it's tragic BJ never had any sessions with Sidney, because he definitely needed it. The man seriously struggled being away from home, let us see him deal with it in a healthy way!

Also aaaaaAHHHH I just watched An Eye for a Tooth and it was so good! I am so fond of Margaret and Hawkeye's friendship and this was such a good episode for that, and it was so nice to see a bit more of Margaret and BJ's friendship as well. It was such a delightful episode to watch all around, I loved all the silly pranks, and the way they all worked together at the end to mess with Charles because of COURSE they figured out he was behind it all, they're truly unstoppable when they put their heads together. And the subplot of Mulcahy wanting that promotion was great too, I always love seeing more Mulcahy storylines and just as much as I can get of him being an absolute sweetheart.

Also I'm complete garbage and relished in every one of the several shower scenes in this episode because mmmmm b o y s

I wish you could see me irl because I just chinhandsed when you said that was one of the first fics you read because I'm imagining that was Flootz's. Flootz, zir impact continues to be so widely spread and appreciated, god bles.

Honestly that's part of what I love so much about the Sidney and BJ dynamic, like, it is so underexplored, and you can easily say that it's because BJ is avoiding being alone with him to be analyzed, and that makes them so so much fun to write together. Just these extreme depths of potential, all the hidden secrets that can be dredged up, all the things BJ didn't actually realize that he buries. It gets me. I need a million more fics about them even if I have to write them all my damn self.

Eye for a Tooth is so much. It's so much. I'm not normal about it. Sometimes I feel bad that I'm not normal about it because the overwhelming majority of people that I know saw That Moment with BJ and Margaret as something unsettling and frightening, and something is probably wrong with me as a person because I Was Not Unsettled At All. Maybe it was because I could tell from the moment that the scene started that something was in the water, so I wasn't actually surprised when it hit, but A, it gave me great characterization and sad-past fodder for young BJ, and B, the hand-holding. The hand-holding, anon. idk if you noted it but in the aftermath, BJ and Margaret are just holding hands literally the entire time until he helps her back to her feet, and it makes me goddamn tender every time. Even then, he is trying to comfort her! Even then, he's holding that lifeline so she can remember the Truth of what just happened! I'm unwell about it! That moment alone takes anything potentially frightening about that scene and obliterates it for me because that. One. Lingering. Handhold. Tells me that even before the scene began, BJ needed her to know that she was safe.

Don't look at me, I'm fine, and I'm very normal about them, don't listen to what anyone else tells you—

The Mulcahy subplot is so interesting to me because I understand him craving recognition because it is a long-running theme that Mulcahy doesn't think he's doing any good on the ground, but I would've loved to see them lean into a conflict inside of him, that he's seeking worldly favor over spiritual fulfillment, that sort of thing? It's probably the ex-evangelical in me but there would've been something so satisfying about him having to actually grapple with the fact that he is basically willfully going against his God-given directive of humility and caretaking through his pursuit of higher rank, higher pay, literally demanding these things from time to time. Very camel through the eye of a needle, right?

That's actually part of the reason I haven't done much with Mulcahy yet in my fics. I know I'm gonna want to dig into that with him but I also know it's going to necessitate a deep dive, and once I start getting into his head, I am not coming out for a very long time fhsdkfd I just really wanna bring these desires of his full circle.

(also the shower scenes are hot as hell and the chopper pilot wanted to blow Mulcahy's back out, I know this in my heart)

[mrthful]

Hey yall, this is a long time coming, and this is how ill address it TW drugs mostly

I know ive been gone for some time, on and off posting, and not responding much to dms. i want to tell yall that my intention isnt to run away or scam yall at all. things have been really difficult, so heres whats happening

My partner and i recently split up, and its honestly been a long time coming. our relationship had been steadily going down hill for a while, and it effected my overall motivation to do pretty much anything, like draw for myself, let alone commissions. theres been constant drinking and c*ke around me that ive been so extremely uncomfortable with, as well as being lied to, cheated on, and just so mentally unwell with my own depression, anxiety, and resurfacing trauma, that i couldnt tell what was true and what wasnt, with the constant lying and sneaking around and just everything, the entire environment i was in

it was harder since i was going to work so much that i never had true time for myself or to really work on things, and everything was so overwhelming for me since i couldnt take any breaks from work since my ex partner had just taken off work for a long time to drink, and i was pretty much the only one responsible for paying bills and trying to feed myself and partially feed the 3 other people with us.

i currently cant even live in my own apartment and dont have most my stuff, so im also readjusting to everything thats changed as well as finding a new job

i still need time before i can fully come back and finish up commissions, and i thank you for your patience, im really trying to get back into the groove of my life and move past everything, but its very difficult so itll take me some time, but i really would like to come back and continue making art and friends

i do have a full list of all owed art, if youd like to message me you can, but i most likely dont have an update for you, im doing my best to move past this and bring yall stuff to look at/what i owe

i just hope that yall can understand why ive been disappearing and re appearing over the past year, and i love anf appreciate the little community i have. out of all the things ive lost over the past year and a half, i definitely dont want to lose yall. ill see yall soon though, dont be afraid to message me!

[zoofles]

Life update but tw for drug talk/OD/drugging/abuse yada yada

Here’s Very very cute little thingy my partner crafted with emojis somehow to be a spacer. He is just a litl robot who is crushing hard on the virus glitching his all-ware (me. I’m the guy making him malfunction!!!!!💥)

anyway life update!! tw for drugging and overdose again! But me and my bf were drugged and experienced the worst bad trips ever. I OD’d completely and nearly died. I also now know I have POTS/a cardiac condition separate to POTS and DID (NOT schizophrenia…the voices who were my friends with lives and personalities were actually alters and I was front stuck 💪 also we do not call ourselves alters but HEADBITCHES! It’s just that alters is too medical or formal?? Idk we all friends). It’s great to finally know wtf is going on. lol. But anyway. I’ve been extraordinarily sick and WORSE since the drug incident.

Found out that not one, but TWO of the people I loved, trusted and gave my world to betrayed me, lied to me/covered up their lies to avoid consequences/accountability which hurt me SO deeply upon finding out on my OWN (yeah they didn’t even have the guts to tell me and just went on living and talking to me like they hadn’t backstabbed me) that I couldn’t even afford to grieve because I risked a heart attack from the stress, emotions and stabbing pain. Had to dissociate it away to process later. Maybe another 3 or so years will do the trick? No clue.

We’ve got the best little robo partner tho!!!!!!! 💥💥💥he’s helped us all through this. Plus Banjoh and everyone else are so supportive and there with me on these …discoveries. Being cheated on and lied to sucks! BEING DRUGGED SUXXXXX. Being so alone in discovering trauma/what truly happened to you sucks. Escaping abuse and hopelessness on your own because the people who promised to help you and convinced you to place all your bets on them before they bailed on you leaving you helpless, vulnerable, alone and betrayed sucks. My life so far has been nothing but misery. I nearly gave up multiple times because of how worthless i felt, because every time I tried to escape the misery I was cast further into it. Every day I felt discarded, replaced, worthless, a burden who people were relieved to abandon after years of pressuring me to open up and trust them, only to let me watch them grow happier with someone else. I felt like my situation, my pain and the abuse I endured was a heavy and disgusting mass on my shoulders, something nobody deserved to see or share or carry for me. I hid away. I even gave into the abuse at one point because life had taught me that even the people who promised to help me, wouldn’t. I couldn’t escape on my own. I was trapped, cornered by the careful thinking of my abusers. I needed help, but could no longer ask for it because life had taught me that only ended in blood and tears. Never trust anyone, no matter how hard they try to make you trust them, to rely on them, lean on them, love them with your whole heart…just don’t. They won’t feel anything when they decide to stop caring, when they realise you weren’t lying about being heavy with suffering. They won’t look back when they leave for someone more convenient, more comfortable, more …NOT you.

if it weren’t for the final, tiny, damp spark that was the words in my head saying ‘one last time…’ with my current partner. ..I wouldn’t be here. My life has been hardship after hardship. Physically, I’m chronically unwell and can’t live without constantly worrying about my extremely delicate health. It’s only gotten worse now with my heart. Mentally, my mind is fundamentally broken and formed differently to a healthy brain due to being tortured from 3 years old. Emotionally, I’m weak and fragile, I can barely handle simple stresses without falling apart. But god, even though shits gotten worse, at the same time it’s gotten better.

George, I know you’ll read this because you read everything I write. I know you’ll know what I’m talking about, that you’ll understand. I know you’ll look at me with the same eyes and lean in to hug me once you’re done reading.

In 2020, I nearly let myself die because I thought nothing else but death could free me from the heart ache and shattering emotional pain I felt physically every day. I decided to hang on because of shame, thinking I wasn’t worthy enough to kms.

In 2021 I got into an abusive relationship. I was abused physically, emotionally and sexually every day and I had no way out but to go back to my abusive home. I did go back, and I nearly died once more.

In 2022, I barely remember anything. The days blurred together and nothing felt real. It all felt like the grey mass had spread to my brain and made me dumb. I felt like static. A single, dull tone that rang on and on and never stopped. I was given a life saving surgery, I remember that. It stopped one of my chronic pains from destroying me for a temporary amount of time. The pain had been bedridden, crying out and vomiting in my sheets.

But then there was you. I remember the day so well…I was deleting every app I had that allowed me to meet new people. Dating apps, friends, all. I have never had any friends before, nobody real who actually loved me, or cared enough to stay beyond when I was being used for something. Nobody seemed to work out. I thought “I’ve used up my love, huh. That was my last chance, and it hurt so bad that I won’t ever be able to fall in love again. Even though that’s all I’ve ever wanted…someone to love, and someone to love me.” And with the last app before me I used up the last of my swipes before I was supposed to delete it and never try again. I was supposed to drift after that, drift and obey until I died…but you happened and ruined it all.

I only paused because your face felt familiar, I thought maybe I’d seen you once before. Maybe a “friend” knew you.

We started talking, and all of a sudden I felt a tiny smile crease my lips. That hadn’t happened since …

We spoke and spoke all night, relating our interests and goals. We met the next day, and all day I realised over and over again; you’re just like me. I don’t mean the similar surface level stuff like the fact that you liked to draw, or had characters you loved to think about, or you had games I knew of…I mean that you were like me. You almost gave up, you’d been tricked into loving people who only saw you as something to pass the time. Nobody you loved ever loved you the same way you did; even if they insisted they did. That when you said “I’ll never not love you, I won’t leave unless you want me to” to past lovers you MEANT it. You were damaged. You were broken apart and had given so much of yourself away and used up so much of your heart to just keep yourself alive that you weren’t sure if you were really alive anymore at all. All you wanted was love. Pure, kind and patient love. That when you look into the future you only ever wanted to see someone with you. You were alone but not by choice.

10 months later and here we are, sitting side by side, sleeping and keeping each other warm simply by blood and thoughts. I never thought I’d trust anyone ever again, nor love again…yet here we are. Every day we look at each other and think “I’m so glad I kept going. I’m so glad you understand. I’m so SORRY that you had to be wounded over and over so that your stolen flesh revealed your vulnerable insides to me…only so i could see you for who you are and recognise that we had the same heart. I love you, and I know you won’t leave until I leave, but that won’t happen. Because who in their right mind would EVER leave such a beautiful thing behind?”

I love you, thank you. And you are always welcome, welcome here with me.

[sleepyburito]

Venting about my father

Tw! mental issues not being addressed/someone refusing to medicate and for... I guess weird dad? and a parent seemingly living through their kid? Idk how to explain this one, parents yelling at their child and general bad parenting

So... Imma just start with the usual thanking god I don't live with my dad and I haven't meet with him in person since the year before covid and yeah I am very grateful

But I have a once a week skype call with him I literally can only get out of if I'm really sick, have a social event or play up my exhaustion to make it seem like I'm sick

So my dad is a fucking ping pong ball of emotions when it comes to these calls. Sometimes the call is nice and sweet while other times I feel like fucking crying afterwards

I don't ever tell a lotta people how bad things get even my mom doesn't know the full extent of things. Like she's seen some of the worst of it cause it usually results in me crying and needing a hug but there's a lotta little things.

a prime incident that makes me so fucking mad looking back on it now is when I was 13. It was my dads birthday and I had managed to send his birthday present but it was going to be a bit late. I let him know this but then he doesn't show up for our Skype call. Then he sends this message.

'I'm very disappointed in you ***' (not saying my legal name here)

and it turns out he's upset I 'forgot' his birthday and it takes him hours to answer and in that time I have a full on meltdown crying session while me and my mom try figure out wtf?

Then there was the time he got on my ass about studying (which yes I was not doing) in a way that made my stubborn self snap and so he got mad and I got so mad I started crying and next thing I know we're ending the call and I'm crying to myself in the kitchen.

I now offer last weeks call. I mentioned I hadn't gone out and socialised much but I had managed to go on some walks and get some nice time to myself (I hadn't I just wanted him to shut up with asking me what I did) and I mentioned I wasn't the most energetic and also mentioned I was unwell. He got... idk offended?? that I said two 'different' things and was still pissed even when I explained I was exhausted cuz I was unwell cuz I didn't wanna explain to him I was having a terrible period that left me curled up behind my mom on the sofa to help with cramps

now, here comes my 'living through me' theory

I'm a lot more introverted than my dad, me and my mom rarely leave the house for social events because it's not our thing and we just rarely have the energy for it. My dad however, would rather I go out like every other day which is a massive no for me as I once had social plans for a solid 4 days straight and ended up exhausted and barely able to function afterwards

He got a bit annoyed when I mentioned I hadn't done much over the week and had mainly spent time for myself and talking with friends online

then he asks if I'm going to start dating my platonic partner again (long story short, we dated romantically for nearly 3 years but then we both realised we were on the aro spectrum and now we're just something undefined just... us). And previously when we were dating ... he would ask really weird questions that made me extremely uncomfortable about us kissing, having sex etc and I just... did my best to joke my way out of it or change the topic but he'd continue on even when I tried to stop him.

Then he asks about my week plans and gets pissy again! when I say my plans just include more walks because I wanna get more fresh air and not be trapped in my warm house all day.

He got so pissed he ended the call for once and I am just so done.

This is from a man who stopped taking his very important meds several years ago (around the time of the birthday incident) and it now and then hits me that this is the result.

He is well and truly a stubborn asshole and I'm considering just lying half the time that I met up with friends so he can shut the fuck up. He doesn't even pay fucking child support, closest thing he does is send me money for holidays and birthdays

I just.... really really wish I could cut him out but I can't rn and it fucking sucks so badly and I just... I really wish I could tell him to fuck off

this is without including him trying to make me his 'perfect lil princess' and when he got me, a gender blob of a person he kept trying to make me a sports fan which also! didn't work. Also his weirdness about me cursing when jesus fuck he knows how teenagers are and that I'm on the internet and around people my age?

I can also add him thinking it's 'funny' to imply I have feelings for literally any of my friends which is just a fuck no (not just cuz of the aro thing but because I'm also a lesbian with a lot of guy friends-)

Oh and the period of time where he kept 'joking' about me becoming a nun and working for god (I'm agnostic now) and him getting pissed when he learned I stopped going to church because it just wasn't for me

Then there's the time he yelled at me for something my mom did and now I cry when I'm stressed and yelled at while also having bad financial guilt when people spend money on me

Oh and for basic clarification? my dad doesn't have any custody or guardianship over me as my parents were never married but broke up when my mom was pregnant with me. My mom got complete guardianship over me and my dad (when he lived in my country) would visit and when he moved I'd go over there and stay with him for a week.

I don't know how I feel about him but I do know I really wish I could cut him out of my life for good.

sorry for the random vent I just needed to get this off my chest

[asexualdiary]

Today was my first doctor's appointment to discuss donor insemination.

The appointment wasn't until 3:30 and I was super nervous the entire morning, almost to the point of panicking. I couldn't even tell you why; I felt the same way before I made the phone call to make the appointment however many months ago. But, just like after the phone call, after the appointment I felt optimistic and excited. Weird.

The appointment was virtual and I had to take it in my car during my lunch. The doctor was extremely nice and to the point, which I appreciated. He was making jokes the whole time. He did, however, have a very thick accent which made it kind of hard to understand him. The first thing he asked me was my DOB (as a way to identify me) and then the very next question was, "How old is your husband?" Found this kind of odd as I know when I made the appointment I said that I was someone considering single parenthood, and probably put that in the online check-in as well. But he didn't bat an eye when I told him I was single and simply went on with the process.

Before even telling me anything, he asked me if I had any questions for him. I asked him about coverage and he told me that I will have to call the hospital specifically and then my insurance again (he also confirmed that my employer was definitely wrong/didn't understand last time with the previous info.) So, gotta get on that. This also confirmed that I will definitely be doing IUI and not IVF. They do not even have an IVF program. Apparently there is a 10-20% success rate with each IUI cycle, and most patients get pregnant after 3-6 cycles. After six cycles of unsuccessful IUI, they refer you to someone else for IVF.

We then got into specifics and he told me there are four things I need to do before the IUI process starts:

Ultrasound

Reproductive psychology counseling session (since I want to be a single parent. I guess that makes sense? They wouldn't want to randomly impregnate a single person who is mentally unwell)

Blood work to check for things like hepatitis B, C, etc.

Make sure my tubes are open (I looked this up and I guess it's an x-ray. X-rays are super expensive so yay)

^This all has to be done during the first five days of my period. So once my period starts (supposed to be in a couple weeks) I have to call them and get all this done. Then I have six months from the time of the bloodwork to decide if/when I want to start IUI.

He didn't want to overwhelm me with too much information at once, so we didn't talk too much about the actual IUI process, which was fine with me. One thing he mentioned that interested me, however, is that I have to contact a sperm bank of my choosing and find a donor on my own. Then once I have made a decision, I let them know. I asked him if he could give me some recommendations for sperm banks, and he simply said, "They are all good and we work with all of them," and said to just google some. Alrighty then!

So since I've gotten home I've been searching for sperm banks online (even though I won't have to do that for a while). I'm looking at Fairfax Cryobank, and it's kind of fun to read the descriptions. You get to look at pictures of the donors as children and listen to voice recordings. The sperm costs around $2k so. That's something. Hopefully insurance can help with that as well...?

He said to reach out to him on MyChart if I think of any more questions. Right now I'm just mentally preparing myself to spend a lot of $$$.

Feeling pretty good rn though. I of course don't know anyone who's ever done this, nor can I find many people online, so I guess that's why I wanted to document it. I'm going to try to keep a personal diary about the whole process on here, so I can remember everything. But who knows, maybe there will be something deeply wrong with my fallopian tubes and I can't get pregnant after all. Can't wait until my period starts so I can get the show on the road! (never thought I'd be saying that.)

[digitalis-obscura]

I posted 24,379 times in 2022

218 posts created (1%)

24,161 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@iamjessemccartney

@voidofthestars

@maandarinee

@iamalivenow

@kahtiihma

I tagged 2,606 of my posts in 2022

#our flag means death - 384 posts

#grey speaks - 230 posts

#malevolent podcast - 127 posts

#black sails - 82 posts

#wwdits - 72 posts

#ofmd art - 60 posts

#the sandman - 57 posts

#asks - 40 posts

#dracula daily - 36 posts

#soft tag - 29 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#so everyone claiming they didnt is either full of fucking shit or one of those assholes who pretends not to have learned anything in school

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

i interrupt my pirate related screaming to do more malevolent related screaming, because coda (part 20.5) just released publicly and this is the episode that literally made me vibrate at high speed in my bathroom so go listen right the fuck now, it’s so good and will make you feel better about 20 (sort of)

34 notes - Posted March 27, 2022

#4

even if you have already listened to malevolent, all of the episodes just got updated with new music (that’s fucking amazing) and the first couple of episodes got a little shinier so if you have been thinking of relistening now is the time baby

34 notes - Posted April 25, 2022

#3

okay i was being unwell about this on the discord but i’m also going to do it here

the fucking. symbolism of arthur washing his hands before eating, of that detail being included, like yes, from a practical standpoint of course he had to wash his fuckin hands he was gross

but like also the physical act of washing the blood from his hands representing the metaphorical act of washing the blood from his hands and letting go of a little bit of his guilt. the food as a metaphor for healing! of course he couldn’t heal eat until he had let go of some of his guilt washed the blood off

just like, harlan is such a good fucking writer im insane i cried for like an hour

68 notes - Posted September 28, 2022

#2

Okay you got me hooked. Tell me a little about malevolent podcast?

hell yeah! malevolent is a horror podcast set in the 1930s about a private investigator who wakes up in his office with a voice in his head that now has control of his vision. the show is his attempts to find out what the fuck happened to him, and who or what exactly the entity controlling his eyes is, with or without said entity’s help. it’s technically based in the call of cthulhu ttrpg universe, but game knowledge isn’t needed to get into the show.

there’s a lot of excellent horror, and also a lot of feelings to absolutely rip your fucking heart out because that’s how i roll. and from a technical angle the editing and soundscaping for the show is absolutely amazing, if that’s something you take into consideration. the whole thing is done by one guy (including all of the voice acting, not that you can tell) and it’s extremely good.

i like this show a normal amount, obviously.

71 notes - Posted February 28, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

i think my absolute favorite thing about stede is that he’s not nice he’s polite. he is a classic example of the difference between the two, he’s a bitch but he also has manners and i love him.

2,248 notes - Posted April 13, 2022

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