#also angel leaving buffy because he thought she loved him too much

[everything-withers-and-dies]

I'm currently rewatching season 5 and the episode where Riley leaves just happened. The ending annoys me so much (even if does make sense). If Riley would just glimpse down, he would see Buffy there, doing exactly what he wanted: trying to give him a reason to stay.

Buffy isn't a perfect girlfriend but it's clear that she loves Riley and, more importantly, trusts him. Maybe she doesn't need to rely on him in a physical fight but she obviously believes that he's going to be there when she needs him (at least most of the time). She can't always lean on him, even when she wants to, but that has more to do with her own issues than her relationship with Riley.

The real problem is Riley's deeply rooted insecurity. He wants to be the one to protect her, especially in a physical sense, and feels weak, unimportant and emasculated if he can't do that. After meeting Angel, his insecurities really ramp up and he compares himself to him constantly. In his mind Buffy thinks he's inferior to Angel. When Buffy doesn't tell him everything or come to him with all of her emotional needs, he can't handle it.

Istead of addressing his issues, Riley blames Buffy. Buffy doesn't love him, Buffy doesn't need him, Buffy doesn't care about him, when really that's what he thinks and feels. He takes his feelings as fact rather than a reflection of his own insecurities. Even when presented with evidence of Buffy's feelings, he ignores it or twists it into further proof of his beliefs. He can betray Buffy's trust because he's convinced himself that Buffy doesn't really care about him.

From Buffy's side this is tragic: She's had to take care of her family and be strong for them, so she's had to hide her fears and pain. She's trying to keep Dawn safe. She has a lot on her plate and, understandably, hasn't really been able to spare much of her time or energy on Riley. She believes he understands and still will be there once things calm down. Then she finds out how wrong she was.

No matter what he says, Riley tries to put the blame for his actions on Buffy. He's so convinced Buffy doesn't love him that he isn't capable of listening to Buffy when she's telling him how she feels. He brings up his need to take care of her but, as Buffy kind of points out, it would really be her taking care of him by trying to fulfill that need. She's the Slayer and that's why she can't fully rely on anyone else. Riley wants something that Buffy can't give.

He then gives her an ultimatum: If she wants him to stay, she needs to give him a reason to do so. (Again, it's on her to save the relationship even though he's the one who broke her trust.) In reality, she can't give him a good enough reason to stay. This is all rooted in Riley's insecurity and Buffy can't fix that for him, no one can. Even if she showered him in love for the rest of eternity, it wouldn't change anything. It certainly hasn't before.

Still, she tries once again to prove to Riley that she loves him. She rushes to stop him from leaving but it's too late. No matter how hard she tries to yell, he can't hear her. And he doesn't look back.

I think Riley doesn't look back because he's certain that Buffy isn't there. He doesn't even glance back because that would mean he still has hope that Buffy loves him. The fact that she's there is proof that she does love him. Riley is blind to Buffy's love for him, so he can't see her.

[oveliagirlhaditright]

Summary: In thinking that he and Buffy are probably going to make love soon if they don't go out, instead of staying in (something that Angel's not sure that Buffy's ready for), he wants to make sure that the two of them do go out on a date. But when they end up at an olden time inspired candle making attraction at Sunnydale's one amusement park, Angel once again wonders if his attempts at keeping Buffy out of the darkness will just inevitably pull her into it. As, for one thing, this place reminds him too much of his past, the setting is romantic, etc. And that's just the tip of the iceberg of Angel's scattered thoughts and things going on with him this day. A season two Bangel fic.

Light in the Darkness

"I should leave," Angel bit out, as he stood awkwardly beside Rupert Giles—waiting for Buffy to join the both of them in the library—and resisted with all his might the urge to rip the man's throat out.

In many ways, Angel had never been close to Giles, since it was clear that he was so mistrustful of him and always waiting for him to reveal his true colors when Buffy wasn't around. And this pompous attitude in one so much younger than Angel—and yet not one of the children, so he might forgive and forget--didn't endear him to the Watcher at all.

He'd started to make strides to improve his relationship with the Council's dog for Buffy and Buffy alone. But now in learning that the Watcher's Council was holding his childe captive… and Giles knew this and had done nothing, Angel felt any favor he had gained for Giles quickly fading away.

Giles opened his mouth, Angel saw—no doubt about to tell him to do exactly that—but before he could get the words out, Buffy finally arrived on the scene and hopped up to Angel. And almost at once, he felt some if his bad mood evaporating as he smiled ever so slightly at her.

"Sorry, I'm late, Angel! But are you ready to go to that new candle attraction?" the Slayer beamed.

Angel thought that Buffy herself looked like she was ready to match whatever candles they might make together: and knowing her, that was surely the point of her outfit. She looked very cute, in a short pastel yellow dress with baby purple leggings and clear shoes. He also noted she'd put those baby blue clips in her short hair that seemed to be all the rage with teenagers these days.

"Now, see here, Buffy! Shouldn't you be patrolling first?" Giles argued with his Slayer, while fidgeting with his glasses. And if that didn't give Angel another reason to hate the Watcher right now. He growled low in his throat.

"No, Giles!" Buffy protested, horror clearly written across her face. "If I patrol now, the amusement park will be closed by the time we're done! Angel and I’ll go out now and patrol after our date. Promise!"

She was giving Giles the puppy-dog-pout (something that Angel had been victim to a few times himself, and lost many a battle with Buffy because of), and he knew that the man wouldn't be able to hold out.

Finally, he relented: "Oh, alright! But you'd better be double thorough with your Slaying report to me tomorrow!"

And taking that as the dismissal it clearly was, Buffy grabbed Angel's hand—and he was glad that he was unable to blush as a vampire, as he would surely have been doing just that now with her innocent touch—and escaped with him out of the library.

The candle making event was a new attraction that had just been added to Sunnydale's one amusement park (for the time being, anyway. Angel had the feeling that eventually demons would destroy the entire place. That was just how things worked in this town). And when Angel had suggested that Buffy think of a date night for them, she had been adamant that they try this.

Angel thought that that was probably just because it was one of the few new things that Sunnydale had... But maybe also because the attraction was decorated a lot like the time he had grown up in—though thankfully, Angel could tell Buffy wasn't dreaming of being a princess again—and maybe because she suspected he had used to make candles some. And he most definitely had, back in the day. But it had most definitely been eons since he’d done so, though he didn't mind learning the craft again with Buffy. It would surely be fun.

As for Angel himself, he had most definitely wanted to go out with Buffy lately, and not stay in… because he knew that they were getting too close to making love. Coincidentally, he'd almost taken her virginity at a carnival not that long ago, when he'd been under a lust spell and she'd been under a pride one. And while Angel did think if Buffy was old enough to die for the world, she was certainly old enough to make her own choices… he still found himself wanting to delay the inevitable here, if for a moment longer, to try and make sure she didn't rush into something she wasn't really ready for. And so that when they finally did come together, hopefully it was something really special.

"Angel…" Buffy whispered his name now—pulling him out of his thoughts—as the two of them were already inside said candle store and making said items together, after having been given a lesson by one of the vendors. "Is everything… is everything peachy? I felt like when I came in the library there earlier, that you might have been thinking of clocking Giles a good one."

It took everything Angel had within him not to crush the green candle he had just crafted at Buffy's question. He tried to remind himself that he didn't even really care about this childe of his: they'd never had a bond, and he'd been coursed into the whole thing, anyway. But the sire/childe bond was strong. And really, it was the principle of the matter: that now his childe—his!—was being tortured day in and day out in the Watcher's Council's sick games, instead of being put out of his misery, like he should have been. And he could feel his childe's pain.

"Buffy… I don't know how to tell you this," Angel admitted. Looking at all of the candle samples directly ahead of him, so he didn’t have to see her face as he debated whether he wanted to say any of this or not. "Part of me doesn't even want to tell you, or wants to lie."

"Then that's the exact reason you should tell me, Angel," Buffy said now with an urgency to her voice, as she took one of his hands and looked deeply into his eyes, as she stood on her toes. "What's going on?"

He tried to stroll away from her, to gather his thoughts into words, but Buffy wasn’t having it. The best he could do was run a hand through his hair before he reluctantly settled on, "The Watcher's Council has someone I sired… and instead of just staking them, they're torturing him over and over again—to train up the future Watchers—and I can feel his suffering."

It took Buffy a moment to react, like Angel thought it might. At first, she narrowed her eyes, as if wondering why it was a bad thing at all: since this was a vamp. But in just a second, she empathized with Angel and pulled him into her embrace. "Angel, I'm so sorry," she whispered, as she kissed his chest. "Is there anything we can do?"

"No… no there's not." Not anything that wouldn't get his Slayer killed, anyway, and Angel would never allow that. "I'm just… furious. And I hate that Giles let this happen when he could have stopped it," Angel let slip out before he could stop it.

"Giles did what?!" Buffy demanded. And Angel could literally feel Buffy’s body temperature heat up with her fury.

“It’s nothing, Buffy,” Angel contradicted the words he had just said to her, he knew. But he really didn’t want to get into how he’d created this vampire when he’d gotten trapped in a different dimension. And the only way out was through the person he’d sired... And how the man wouldn’t let him out unless he did sire him.

But even more than all of that… Angel had been desperate to be free because he’d just started to watch Buffy after she’d been called in L.A.—thinking he was protecting her—and even though he hadn’t wanted to add any more blood to his name, he’d rationalized that he’d been doing this newest sin to help Buffy in the long run. “

“Giles… I guess he did what he had to do, so the Watcher’s Council wouldn’t open an investigation into him and everything going on here. And I didn’t really care about this childe of mine that much, anyway,” Angel shrugged.

Angel could tell that Buffy was giving him a good once-over, trying to detect any lie he might have just told. So it was good for him that he was a very good liar, wasn’t it?

Or so he thought, anyway, until Buffy started working on more of the gorgeous white candlesticks she’d created and muttered, “That’s literally the opposite of what you were just saying, and the fury I saw earlier. But I suppose if you want to let it go, it’s fine. Lord knows I’ve had to let go of my own fair share of things as the Slayer.”

Angel couldn’t hold back the smirk that came to his lips as Buffy’s words registered in his ears. He didn’t give his girl enough credit. She was too clever. And possibly knew him too well.

Though it was because she knew him too well, that Angel instantly felt himself sobering. Suddenly, he didn’t know if this date had been the best idea... This darkened room with candles everywhere, even though they were in public, was much too romantic. And he was once again imagining taking Buffy and doing things to her that would make her scream in pleasure and pain. The demon within him absolutely thrilled at the prospect.

Furthermore, though Angel hadn’t intended it, instead of doing the smart thing and postponing this date when things had hit the fan between him and Giles today, he’d instead unwittingly started to drive a wedge between her and her Watcher. And that was something he’d never wanted to do, since no matter what he and Buffy were—or what her destiny was, or how short her life might be—he’d always wanted to give her things, not take them away.

Almost to prove what a poison he was, Angel noted that the two colored candles he had made were green and black—in comparison with the white ones that Buffy had made, painting her like the angel, and definitely not him. Green meant life... But the way he had subconsciously moved to hold the two candles in his hands, it was almost as if he was about to cover the green one with the black, to try and completely snuff out any sight of it. And the vampire couldn’t help feeling like that’s what he was going to do to Buffy’s life in the end. He was a cancer, and he was going to choke her.

Buffy must have realized that he’d become entranced with his candles… Because suddenly leaning over his shoulder, she asked him with a smile in her voice, “You know what your colors are making me think of?”

“Kwanzaa?” Angel ventured, knowing that Buffy would have never gone to the dark place that he had. “If I make a red one, that is?”

“…Definitely a good thought,” Buffy acknowledged then, striding away from Angel with the cutest blush staining her cheeks. “And probably better than my idea. In fact, I feel really stupid now. Forget what I was going to say. Knowing you, you wouldn’t get the reference, anyway.”

Well, color him intrigued… err, no pun intended. Or, then again, maybe it was. He could learn to quip as well as Buffy, after all.

And how amazing it was, that she could always turn his mood around so swiftly. How he loved her… And one day, he would tell her. He would.

“Okay, Buffy. You can’t leave me hanging like that. Now you have to tell me. If you don’t tell me, no more kisses for you for a week,” he named his condition. And then the vampire had to laugh when Buffy glared at him and stomped her feet at the threat, like he knew she would. It was good to know that he was so desirable…

“Fine! But no laughing! And if you don’t get the reference, I warned you you wouldn’t, you oldie, you! The green and black remind me of that Disney movie ‘Pete’s Dragon.’ Because, well, the dragon was green with black scales. It also helps that there’s a song in the movie called ‘Candle on the Water,’ and we’re making candles. And the colors we’re talking about are your candles. Happy?!”

Huh. Angel could see why Buffy would make that connection. He had, actually, seen that movie. Or at least part of it... It was probably one of the few in the last century that he had, because the idea of combining live-action and animation had been so bizarre to him, that he had had to see how Disney might attempt it. The aforementioned song had also been quite pretty, he would admit.

“Buffy, are you saying you’ll be my ‘Candle on the Water?’” Angel couldn’t help teasing his girl more. He couldn’t help it (even if he knew he might end up well dusted for it). The Slayer was just too cute when she was flustered. But even though he’d posed it as a joke, a large part of him was serious in asking her that question. It was, after all, a very romantic song. And it would be nice to know that the girl he’d loved since he saw her would be willing to guide his way if he ever got lost. He did often drown in his guilty thoughts, Angel had to acknowledge.

But Buffy didn’t seem embarrassed in the slightest. Instead, she raised her eyebrow—seeming to ask Angel if he’d finally gotten it—and indicated all of the bright candles she’d made. “What do you think I made all these blinding candles for, cryptic guy?—though I guess in this case, maybe I was being cryptic girl—but do you think I send out smoke signals for just anyone?” Buffy smirked at him. And it was a very welcome thought, for all that it meant.

Interesting. Very interesting. Angel had thought he had partly been planning this date for specific reasons, but it seemed as though Buffy had had her own plans all along, too. What a pair they made...

For the love he felt radiating from her—a love she hadn’t said in so many words yet (except the one time he’d somewhat forced her to say it, when he’d been about to reveal stuff about Dru; he didn’t fully count that), but knew she would when she was good and ready—he could do nothing else but pull her close and kiss her like she’d never been kissed before. A side of Angel did try to keep in mind that they were in public, and not to get too crazy, but it was Buffy, and it was always hard to remember anything when he was with her like this. She always stole his unneeded breath.

He couldn’t help feeling, though (when they pulled away from each other), that where before he’d been worrying about some of their earlier kisses—that spoke of the unfailing lust between them, that he wasn’t ready to completely unleash with her yet—this one was all about love. And how beautiful that was… as well as fitting, with what they’d just been through, and what Buffy had offered him with her promise. How his un-beating heart soared.

Reluctantly, however, he had to remind his girlfriend that it was a school night. “Come on, Buffy. Let’s package up these candles and get you home. We don’t want Joyce calling the police, looking for you. I’ll patrol for you tonight.”

Buffy looked as unwilling to leave him as he was her. But eventually, she gave a world-weary sigh, wrapped up her candles, and then took Angel’s hand, before leading him towards the exit. “You’re right, Angel,” she said. “Let’s get out of here before my mom does do the drastic. But, hey: at least I know that if my mom ever did something like that, to have me unwittingly picked up by the po-po… you’d find me. Right?”

Angel grinned. He knew what Buffy was asking, uncertainly, with her last question (as she nervously played with her fingers, while they checked out): If he’d be her “Candle on the Water”, as she was his.

Dropping a kiss to her temple, he gave her his earnest answer “Always, honey. Always.”

Author’s Note: The ending of this definitely got a lot happier and fluffier than I thought it would.

Originally, the idea for this story (that randomly came to me while I was half-asleep) was for it to be sort of foreboding and hint at the later stuff to come in S2. And it definitely has that, but it doesn’t end with it. And maybe that’s okay. I mean, they’re not there yet. So perhaps it’s alright that there are only hints of it.

But the moment I had Buffy mention “Candle on the Water,” it was all over, in keeping fluff out of here. And I don’t think I really care. LOL. Let’s give these two SOME more moments of happiness before the shit hits the fan: Lord knows they need it, since canon can never give them a break.

The vampire that Angel sired in this is a reference to something that DID happen in one of the classic comics.

Also, Angel having issues with Giles is inspired by that somewhat being true in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer novel “How I Survived My Summer Vacation,” where those two did have some problems working together in the summer between Buffy S1 and Buffy S2 while Buffy was away. Some of that is for reasons I detailed here: Mainly in that Giles kept thinking that without Buffy there, Angel would reveal his “true self” or “true intentions” or whatever, and betray them all. And Angel, in his own words, hated having to defer to someone so much younger than himself, or something like that. LOL. As a whole, Angel in that book kind of felt… a bit wilder? But I feel that kind of makes sense. Because he’d only just decided to try this “being good” thing. And I think the more time he spent with Buffy, and humans in general, the more human he became. And I tried to replicate that here a bit: with the sense that Angel is maybe a tiny bit wilder than in some of my S3 fics, at least.

I also just wanted to try my hand at a S2 Bangel fic, as I realized I haven’t done that yet. S2 is so important for them, of course. And beloved by many (and I definitely get why. It’s even my favorite season of the show). Though I will admit it’s not my favorite season for Bangel, if that makes sense. I do prefer them in S3 and post-S3 as S2 is a bit too sexual for my ace self. Oops. But it was definitely fun trying them out in S2, and trying to see how they’re the same as they are in S3, and how they differ.

Oh. Buffy almost losing her virginity to Angel at a carnival, because he’s infected by the lust Seven Deadly Sin and she’s affected by the Pride one, IS something that happens in the book “Carnival of Souls.”

[girl4music]

Comment by @LaineyBug2020: “You keep saying that's not Willow, but that she's actually thinking the things she's saying. You're right on both counts. This is Dark Willow. She is a part of Willow as a whole. We all have that Darkness inside of us, no matter how good we try to be. This was illustrated by how easy it was for Willow to let the magic take over. She repressed a lot of herself when we first met her. Joss is showing us why we shouldn't do that. Remember how easily she was led to the demon that got released into the computer?

Remember how she never dealt with her feelings with Xander and let herself get involved in an adulterous relationship? Until now, she kept herself so repressed that anytime she tapped into more power, you would see her eyes turn black.

Then, when tragedy strikes, she’s so used to repressing that she just represses the part of herself that feels anything but vengeance. Vengeance is a powerful place to exist, much more powerful than grief. Grief is powerless. She has let herself be powerless for too long.

When we deny parts of ourselves, all we do is create imbalances and extreme dichotomies. Two extremes can't share the same place, so that's when dissociation occurs. Dark Willow is completely dissociated from her humanity, so there is nothing to temper the base impulses or intrusive thoughts.

Which is why she says what she says to Dawn.

Eventually (without spoiling too much) we get to see White Willow, the other end of the spectrum. But we don't get to see it until Willow learns how to honor, balance and thus control every part of her.

Joss uses this theme with Oz's arc when he has to leave to connect with his wolf so he can control it.

He also uses it with Spike vs Angel. Angel is a represser and a brooder. He shuns the 'Angelus' part of him when he is cursed with a soul, to the point where Angelus is able to keep secrets from him and be a constant threat. Spike accepted his Demon nature and learned to be good with it instead of in spite of it when his ability to harm people was taken away. He fought for a soul with his Demon nature fully participating so there was never a danger of him losing his soul. There was a blip he faced with The First, but he faced it right away and became stronger for it.

Even Buffy has to do this. Faith is an example of what can happen if we repress. Buff struggles throughout the show's run with honoring every part of herself to stay balanced and powerful. Especially after she's brought back.

That's what we can take away from this theme. Feel and honour every part of yourself. We are complex, but when in balance, we are POWERFUL.”

👏👏👏👏👏

Wonderfully fucking said. Wow!

One of Willow’s most repressed traits is sadism. Vampire Willow expresses and exhibits it with abandon. But there’s a reason why she’s one of the most sadistic vampires that we ever get to see in the Buffyverse.

It’s not because of the demon who took over Willow’s body. It’s because of Willow. Willow’s repressed sadism is something I love talking about because it’s such a fascinating subject when it comes to her characterisation.

You witness tidbits of it every now and again but it’s used for light humour. To break the tension in the narrative. We never think much of it until it’s used for a different purpose such as here.

Iconic Willow one-liners like “Occasionally, I’m callous and strange.” And “If you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel.” and “He deserves a torturous and slow death by spider bites.”

Innocent funny one-liners or repressed sadism? Yes.

She was never as innocent or pure as she seemed. There was very much a storm brewing inside of this one and Season 6 said let it rain!

And it’s probably the best fucking payoff of all the built-up character representation and development in the entire show. I adore it.

[ketchup-monthly]

Lanternfam’s favorite vampire media

with the help by @space-specs

Hal- Monster High (the justice league hates when they do mental links via J’onn because he constantly has the first opening stuck in his head and doesn’t even realize hes humming it until someone says something and even then it doesn’t really go away until he has something else stuck in his head. he has also on multiple occasions cross-dresses as one of the female characters to match with Helen, who would dress as one of the guy characters. Hal kills it every single time. he looks so good its not even funny.)(the main two that Hal does are Rochelle Goyle and Operetta. Helen’s are Deuce Gorgon and Holt Hyde)(if anyone wants to draw Hal in either of those outfits please hit me up it would be so good and i would be forever grateful and maybe even owe you a kiss on the forehead for your troubles)

Guy- Twilight (he likes the side characters and wishes that SMeyer hadn’t fucked them all up like she did. he likes the baseball scene in the first movie bc it slaps, and Emmett and Leah are his favorite characters. Emmett is a lot like him and Leah was written so badly. They both deserved so much better.)(he totally doesn’t write twilight fix its on the internet but if you know the right places to go, there may be a fix it fic written by one EmeraldWarrior.)(the fics fix a lot of things about the series and are actually pretty good and god i wish they were real -ketchup)(jo doesn’t read his fics, but she has mutuals who are into Twilight and have read them, so she has heard about the fics in detail from them. she doesn’t put two and two together until she meets Guy and immediately is like “hey wait” and the secret is out but still between the two of them -specs)

John- The Argeneau Series (its vampires but they made it scientific and actually gave answers for why vampires do and require certain things instead of just leaving it down to “idk man. magic or something.” its also not too well known or talked about, so no one has had a chance to ruin it yet. just like how john likes it.)

Kyle- The Lost Boys (comics nerds have to fight vampires and look into comic books to find the answers. home alone with vampire fighting mechanics. need i say more?)(ketchup has never seen this before ever)

Jess- The Mortal Instruments/Shadowhunters (the series focuses more on the angelic and demonic than the vampires themselves, but they still play a large role in it. She believes Raphael deserved better and thinks its funny that the main vampire character is named Simon.)(the movie does not exist.)

Simon- Buffy the Vampire Slayer (fuck Joss Whedon but Buffy. he liked some parts of the show and hated others but thought it was a very interesting interpretations of an American high school.)

Jo- Castlevania (it is not anime but it is the closest western media will get to that. western animation can do things good too! -specs)(as soon as specs mentioned this, i went oooooooooooh *eyes emoji* bc i love the first two seasons sooo much -ketchup)(also yayyyyy video game series!!)

Keli- Dracula das Musical (she accidentally found it through the Korean version of Zu Ende with the redheaded Dracula on youtube and then watched a subtitled recording of it and fell in love. She likes all the versions of it that are not in English, but the German one is her favorite)(this is ketchups favorite musical)

Alan- Nosferatu (1922) (it is the vampire movie of all time and even though its corny as all get out, he likes the simplicity of it as well as the staying power it had through the depression and the world war. its also just a really hilariously stupid adaptation of Dracula.)

Carol- Vampire Academy (she can and will go on hours long rants about various things in the series. Hal has never read the books, but he did watch the movie on his own time so he could better understand her rants but that just made Carol more angry. the movie does not exist. Hal can still have a conversation with even the most dedicated of readers about the series based on what he has absorbed through osmosis from Carol.)(in this scenario specs is Hal and me and our roommate are both Carol. as this was typed, specs and i had a conversation about the plot in vampire academy lol -ketchup)

Kilowog- Hotel Transylvania (Keli showed it to him while deviously grinning in the corner, a grinch smile on her face bc she was determined to get the big tough alien into the most memeable animated vampire media ever. ‘wog doesn’t get it and ends up dealing psychic damage to the rest fo the earth lanterns when he says its his favorite of the Terran media they show him)

Razer- Blade (he likes knives so he likes the name. also. Blade is a vampire who fights other vampires and Razer is a red lantern who fights other red lanterns. it fits.)

Thaal- Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992) (theres a weird monsterfucking scene that kept ketchup from watching it the first time they tried. Thaal would get a kick out of it because hes a kinky motherfucker, as well as the stupid butt wig. seriously wtf is up with the butt wig. its so stupid)

B’dg- Count Chocula cereal boxes (his preferred form of media is staring at cardboard boxes. he finds them very entertaining.)

Helen- Cirque du Freak (specifically the manga adaptation)(she 100% convinced Hal to dress up as Larten Crepsley so she could dress up as Darren for Halloween one year, and this series singlehandedly got her over her fear of spiders)(if you haven’t read the graphic novels they’re so good i promise -ketchup)

[symbioticsimplicity]

Just got to season 7 and I have some thoughts on souled!Spike.

So my whole worldview on rewatching this series has been different from when I watched it when I was younger. There's been a lot of things I liked or thought were fine the first go around that I don't see the same at all now.

Spike getting his soul back is one of those. I have incredibly mixed feelings about it.

On the one hand, I fucking love him for looking at himself, deciding that he wanted to be better than he currently was, and making the effort to change. That's a huge thing, especially for someone who supposedly is "evil".

But that's the entire reason I hate it too.

To me, a soul in this context is very much a representation of the idea that people are intrinsically good and therefore worthy of love and respect. That being good is the only way someone could or should truly love you. Its certainly what Spike believes and the narrative backs it up.

Setting aside how reductive that is, I dislike that idea because it ignores choice.

Before Spike got his soul back, whenever he did something good, that was a choice he consciously made. He chose to go against his nature and do things that made him a pariah with his own kind, regularly.

Sure, you could argue that he started that because of the chip, so it wasn't necessarily a choice. But he didn't have to start slaying demons. He didn't have to help Buffy, or get close with her friends and family. Those were all choices, the only thing the chip did was keep him from being able to cause meaningful harm. Everything else was a choice.

I personally think that its far more noble to chose to be kind and helpful when you have no reason to.

Like yeah, he eventually wanted Buffy to love him, but he didn’t start off that way. Falling in love motivates plenty of people, and I think it was pretty telling that he could do that even without a soul.

Idk, it just leaves a bitterness in me that they only genuinely start treating Spike like a person after he goes through such a drastic and painful change. Like that makes him more worthy of their care, like he hadn't already been a friend for years.

I know it was also in part a response to Seeing Red, but I've also got a laundry list of complaints about that too. I think it was OOC as all fuck, it was shitty for the actor, and overall an unnecessary character assassination in a season that was already really full of S/A overtones, I don't get why they'd toss something so horrible at a ship they planned to make endgame other than to get to the soul plot which could have come about literally any other way, especially when even at his worst Spike never showed any sort of proclivity towards that.

It just.... I really don't like the idea that love is something you have to be worthy of. I dont like the idea that you have to change your entire person and suffer for it to be meaningful. I don't like the idea that everything that Spike had done for them up to there was ultimately meaningless because he didn't have a soul to back it up. Especially after all the emotional abuse season 6 puts him through.

I would at least have liked for there to be a scene where he's clearly suffering soul related issues and Buffy just apologies to him. Because she knows he did it for her, she knows how much pain he's in because she's seen Angel going through it, and he's been doing it for longer so fresh must be even worse. Just an apology because someone she cares for is in deep pain because all he wanted was to be "better" for her, because she made him feel that way. I just want it to be shown as the desperate, hopeful, scream for love that it was rather than an obligatory requirement of earning that love.

[dontwarnthetadpoles]

Unpopular opinion of the day: Buffy and her relationships

Warning :  There are some anti buffy (the criticism is for the writers who made her act this way but i can't deny that it defined who she is too), anti Bangel and anti Spuffy thoughts. So read only if you’re mature enough to deal with negative opinions about your favourites. Like usual, it’s not science, so all opinions are subjective and thus all respectful  criticism is welcomed.   

Among the things i don't get about the fandom:

The adoration, idealization and idolization of Buffy Summers as a human being.  

I don’t know how else to define it. It seems pretty clear that the show makes a point in separating Buffy the Slayer from Buffy the teen and later Buffy the young adult woman, and yet fans are still determined on merging the two to make her someone extraordinaire all the time.

That’s at best a  wish, in reality an illusion: the show has many examples that prove that when it comes to her private life she shows an attitude and a personality that are the opposite of the way she behaves when she’s the slayer. 

As a slayer, she's one of the best superheroine ever written on tv (and even in cinema history) : she has impressive fighting skills, even without her power she is mentally strong and « exhibits extraordinary courage and clearheadedness in battle » according to the Council of Watchers, she is ressourceful according to Spike who killed two slayers but never managed to win a fight against her, she’s also a true leader who make all the plans, and inspire enough trust even in a an army of non trained people to make them follow her to their possible death. More importantly she wins and saves the world multiple times.

However in her personal life, the writers made her someone who reacts poorly or makes really messy decisions, like losing herself so much in her romantic relationships that she abandons completely the people who support her the most (family, watcher, friends, teachers),  picking the worst boyfriends ever despite all the red flags, being codependent in romance (except with Riley) while cutting herself emotionally of her family and friends (maybe it’s why she distanced herself from Riley, they became so domestic that he was basically family, so not as special as a secret and forbidden boyfriend) etc.

The most representative example of this trend to make her more than she really is,  is when fans say the scoobies were wrong to blame Buffy for running away to LA at the end of season 2 while it’s impossible from a human point of view to support her here. Let’s just recap the facts :

She disappeared for a complete summer without giving any news, not even a letter (when she was away, the one she left to her mother before leaving Sunnydale doesn't count for obvious reasons) to say "i'm alive and ok, don't look for me i need time alone, i don’t know for how long", to the people who risked their lives for her. How many times did the show said in those earlier seasons that it's the support system, family and friends, that saved her life so far? And they did it while they had no powers.

It's also like no one remember that the scoobies didn't know that she killed Angel and not Angelus, Buffy didn't share the info before her return to school. Not even with Willow. So in their mind, she just decided to disappear at the same time her serial killer ex boyfriend, who almost killed them all, vanished.  

The Scoobies suffered physically and psychologically the consequences of Angel/Angelus time in their lives, a connection they built with the vampire only because of Buffy's relationship with him :

Willow who « won » a coma for saving Buffy's boyfriend soul - she was still rooting for Buffy and wanted her to be reunited with the one she loved despite the fact Angelus attacked her at school in Innocence and left threats at her home in Passion - but she's to blame for not handling well her disappearance and return? For feeling rejected and left behind by the only girl friend she ever had, as if her feelings didn’t matter, no more apparently than the fact she needed more than a day to adjust to her return?

Giles was savagely tortured for hours after experiencing the loss of Jenny in a real macabre way, and yet was still looking everywhere for her '(taking a flight to every part of the country where she could be),

Xander had his arm broken, was beaten and witnessed the murder of Kendra while he couldn't save anyone,

and finally her mother, who raised her for 17 years was left for months not knowing if she was dead or alive (try that with your family and come back here to tell us how if your return and the family reunion went well)! No matter how complicated their last discussion was, it was just pure torture to inflict on anyone close, let alone a parent.   

Stopping Angelus from lauching an apocalypse was cleaning her own mess: she didn't have any business in dating a vampire in the first place. It’s true that the adults failed her miserably: Jenny and Giles should have at least tried to stop her from starting a relationship with him instead of watching from the side.

But let’s also be honest she would have never listened to them. Not only she was determined to do things her way and to ignore their authority as she did with every adult (when she knocked Giles in Prophecy, broke her mother's rules in Bad Eggs),  but she fell in love with Angel while knowing he was a monster. He described to her how he tortured Drusilla and her family(!). thus soulless or not, knowing his past should have been enough to force her to be cautious and protect herself and her family/friends by keeping him out of her life.

It’s not like he was the only man in the world that she could date. The all male population of the school was showing her interest. She wasn’t Willow, she was one of the most pretty girl of the town to the point where even college guys asked her out during season 2, and she knew it.

How some fans can still take the moral ground to defend  Buffy's toxic and abusive relationships with vampires.

I mean it's ok to enjoy toxic relationships in fiction, everyone has different taste (personally i have seen enough examples of domestic violence in real life, i want to escape from that when i watch tv shows and get a taste of happy people who love each other, instead of beating each other physically or psychologically). It's all fantasy.

For all that, don't try to pretend that Spike or Angel have become nice guys because they "fell in love" with Buffy, or acted like good guys during the time they dated her. A vampire is defined by his impulses and instincts: they're demons who are thinking all the time about killing, raping, stealing, destroying and if they exceptionally find a girl for which they're willing to stop 5 minutes their evil/criminal life, it doesn't mean they are helping the side of the good guys, it means they are helping Buffy to get in her pants, which makes a big difference.

Angel didn't care about helping anybody and was still drinking human blood until he met Buffy as proved by his flashbacks on Btvs and Ats. Spike never stopped his petty trafics even during seasons 5/6 and killed and sired new vampires during season 7 though under the influence of The First, but it was easy to pick him for this task precisely because his soul meant nothing.

Without Buffy in the picture, they wouldn’t think one second about saving Willow, Xander or Giles' lives in the case of Spike, and wouldn't hang around long enough to realize that the Scoobies are in danger in Angel's case.

Moreover, if their "attraction/feelings" don't change the fact that they are rapists, murderers, thieves by nature, it doesn't either erase their past crimes for which they will never pay (not even Angel, there's too much crimes for redemption, the only thing possible is erasing their memory). That's why the moral ground: the all debate about being soulless or not can not be pertinent to decided if Buffy was right or wrong to let go of them in Chosen (which i think she did).

You can say you don't care because they are still pretty, charismatic, and badass/cool but you can't say it's ooc for them to try to kill, rape, steal again. Violence is a part of their core self: even when they are convinced to be in love, there's rape and beating in the mix. I really don't know how it's possible to dismiss the violence that permeates Spike and Angel's personalities, while it constitutes 99% of their arc and plot.

Whedon wanted them to be a representation of what abusive men/boyfriends are, and it’s clearly what he wrote, and it’s also clearly the message i get when i watch the show.

[jvstheworld]

The Buffy Re-watch: S2E3 (part 1)

School Hard

You may have to excuse the thirsting I do over Spike from this episode onwards. I will not apologise for finding him attractive. Also I wrote 9 pages of notes for this episode, I will attempt to cut it down, but these attempts never go well. I'll learn one day.

Snyder is a warped view of his job. He really shouldn't be in education.

Shelia stabbed a teacher with pruning shears? Holy shit! She should be in juvie.

Parent-teacher night. I do not miss these. I actually managed to skip a few of these until I was in my last year of school.

'What could go wrong?' or any variation of this sentence should not be uttered Xander, in case you jinx it. This is why we can't have nice things.

And the award for best entrance of the show goes to the badass blondie bear! My boy Spike has now arrived with appropriate music playing too.

Oh yeah, The Anointed One is still here.

And immediately Spike shows how tough he is. He kicks the arm of the guy he knocked out, out of the way when he walks towards the Anointed One.

Spike loves to brag about his kills, he would turn it into story time at the library if he could.

Drusilla, our new resident, insane vampire. I love Drusilla and how Juliet Landau plays her. She is such a wonderful and bizarre character. Dru is also the only one of the gang (Angel, Spike, Darla and Dru) who didn't get her own episode.

James Marsters is pretty.

'We' getting along.' Dude, you just knocked someone out. That's not getting along, even for vampires.

I know they are evil but there is something so sweet about the way Spike cares for Dru, he just gives her his coat when she's cold without a second thought. He's so soft around her.

'Is she tough?' and cut to Buffy struggling with her hair. Because humour.

A parent's disappointment hurts a lot more than a vampire killing you, because you have to live with he constant reminder that they don't think you're good enough, where as a vampire killing you, there's an ending to that. Believe me, I live with my parent's constant disappointment, have done since I was a teenager.

Job hunting is not fun. But being a slayer is not a job, it is calling.

The Night of Saint Vigeous, a sort of Sozin's Comet for vampires?

Smooth cover up Giles, kids being slaves to TV? We kind of were during Covid lockdowns. Another reason to support the WGA and SAG-AFTRA strikes because they provided so much entertainment while many of us stayed at home.

I just noticed that Buffy has a paint brush in her hair. I've done that with pens.

Buffy coming in to save Sheila's butt from Snyder's fury.

I'm going to leave it there for this part, because the next scene is Buffy and Spike's first meeting, and I want to being the next post with it.

[mewmewgirl101]

Spike was in the bathroom with Buffy when sosha and the lightmin group heard lots of react the lightmin group was there because sosha need help finding her pets. Sosha set teas cakes and cookies out. Cal helps her plate cause her hands were shaking . Cal followed her and opened the door to what was going on and Buffy told them what spike did and spike told them how Buffy made him think and feel like she loved and wanted him and everything she did to him and Buffy denied everything saying she didn’t know spike loved her cal points his finger at her saying she just lied cause he can tell when people are lying.

Cal: do you only tell the truth when you want people in trouble or it suits do you think playing with the feelings of someone who loves you as much as he loves you is fun and like a game. cause sosha here says spike has always showed you he loves you and cares for you. And she was telling the truth

Sosha: he also confessed his love for her on many occasions and has helped her on many occasions even when she doesn’t deserve it she knows he loves her cause after he left the store she said so much easier to talk to when he hated me

Buffy: he doesn’t love me i know he doesn’t love me

Cal: see there every thing out of your mouth is a lie and every out of sosha’s mouth is the truth.

Cal continues talking to her about acting that way is wrong and one of the most pathetic ways to have fun. and she should be ashamed of herself leading him on like that when she knows the truth. and how much of a hypocrite she cause she’s done that to him more than once. Cal looks at Sosha she tells him she thinks that if Buffy didn’t toy with spikes feels he would never have done that.he looks at spike who nods his head saying they were telling the truth. And he really thought she loved him.The rest of the team came up to see what was taking so long Sosha just glared daggers at Buffy. tores looks at Sosha saying that’s a lot hate your holding for her. Sosha grabbed spikes hand gave him a pleading look to stay cal walked with spike. Spike looks at Sosha with love and guilt.

Foster: ok back to why you called us here do you know anyone who would steal your pets or want to see you hurt this much

Sosha( shook her head sadly)

Foster could tell sosha definitely had no idea who took her pets and sosha was jealous of spike’s genuine love for Buffy could see it in her eyes. And her facial expressions and Change in her voice when she talked about spike.cal can tells spike what spike sees about what Sosha is in his eyes. as a pure innocent soul angel even and see him self as demon not worthy of a girl a pure as Sosha’s so he pick second best. They go down stairs one by one spike was about to kiss sosha but back down and goes down stairs Sosha trips on the last step causing her to but spike catches her making her gasps. she kisses him hard and hot pulling him closer they stop when someone clears there throat.sit in the living room.

Cal: ok Sosha tell us everything about the day you fur babies Went missing

Foster: and take your time I know this is hard

She nods and takes a deep breath spike holds her close rubbing her arm. She tells them she had to pick up a few things. And they couldn’t be left alone and still needed a stroller they were little baby fur babies are and couldn’t be alone but she had to go to the Conner store and get a few things she needed for her fur babies. she tried taking them inside but owner said no every time.saying she can’t bring them inside she. leaves them in between the two sets of doors cause it was hot outside. She checked to see if they were still there after she grabbed an item after checkout they were there the only time when she only looked away long enough was to get her money out but when she got to the door they were gone she looked for them for hours and hours till her legs were too tired to continue petaling she even had her friends help. She couldn’t help crying her eyes out with spike holding her as he rubbed her back shhhhhing her. They asked for the name of the store and the owner so they could speak to him. Cal tells foster and tores to stay and loker to come with him. When they got to the store they asked the owner why he didn’t let baby fur babies that still needed a pet stroller to travel in the store. The owner said cause it’s against store policy they tell him but he’s the owner and if the baby fur babies were found dead or hurt or abused he would hold the owner personally responsible for being a you know what for not letting a woman and her baby fur babies in side when he knew what could happen. guys come back and see miss posters with reward. Cal face palms saying a reward would get everyone and their mother to give false or useless information. later they interviewed everyone sosha and spike said could have done it.they found out the owner sold them to someone who hunts them. They were found alive but chained up outside dirty skinny hurt had fleas.and ear mites they got rushed to the vet given food many flea baths and flea powder brush in their fur. Normal when pets look like drowned rats after a long bath is funny cause they look so Pitiful trying to make you feel bad. and there fur is fluffed up looks funny cause they give the saddest look they can give. But it’s really sad now after their nice cool bath they get wrapped in heated blanket in cage. When Sosha found out what happened she beat the guys up took them to her place chained them up in hot sun with a mad max muzzle on she then kicked and smacked them hard with a loud grunt did I mention she’s a slayer. The muzzle was so scream.she would often “accidentally “ throw rubber ball to hard yell fetch and it landed on roof she stomp her foot telling them to go get it she all So had glass above ground pool installed and filled and heated as a “ gift “ from hunter and a nice porch for store owner. She kept them in the basement heater on.on the days everything was getting installed. And kept them there with windows open so they couldn’t use pool. She would take her anger out on them. But sent them to jail. Cause she wanted spike to be there she mad it nice and comfortable for spike sosha made sure they were kissing every time buffy came down.

[fellthemarvelous]

Hello lovely mutual! I’m normally more of a lurker and not normally one to reach out to strangers, but I saw you’re recent post about having a bad anxiety day and decided to push back against my own anxiety a little. I, too, having being having a rough go of it lately. The racing, pounding heart, the spiraling negative thoughts, feeling like I don’t know or can’t trust my own mind. I see you, I get it.

And I wanted to reach out to tell you that your blog has brought me comfort these past couple weeks. Every time you post I’m like “omg yessss!!!” I came for the good omens, stayed for the politics, and definitely knew I was in the right place when I saw you share my love of Spike!

Anyway, to close out this wine drunk ramble, thanks for being brave enough to talk about your struggles. I wouldn’t wish those kinds of feelings on my worst enemy, but it does help a little to know that none of us are alone in this. I hope you get a reprieve soon. I’m rooting for you and I’m glad you exist!

I'm sorry you're having a rough go with anxiety lately as well! I am one of those people who always makes my situation worse because I avoid dealing with my problems by putting them off and leaving them for Future Me to deal with, which contributes to the self-loathing because of how angry I become with myself for losing the ability to function properly, but it's also how I learned how to cope with life as a small child. It's scary when you struggle to trust your own mind. I doubt myself all the time because of it. It's sad to realize just how many people struggle with these same problems but we all feel alone even though we aren't.

I'm really glad my blog brings you comfort and I hope it continues to do so!

Finding another Spike fan is such a joy!! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!

He is my ALL-TIME FAVORITE FICTIONAL CHARACTER!!!!! He brings me so much joy because he's so fucking fascinating and he had the mother of all redemption arcs. I could go on about him for HOURS!!!!!!!

James Marsters took that role, knowing they were going to kill Spike off a few episodes later, and said FUCK THIS by making the fans love him so much that they ended up having to add him on full-time in season four and then moving him over to Angel after Buffy ended.

Look at this soulless monster sobbing over the dead body of his mortal enemy that he fell in love with!! 😭

He watched Passions with Buffy's mom and babysat Buffy's sister. He mourned Joyce when she died and he let a god beat the ever-loving shit out of him just to protect Dawn and all of this was long before he even went and fought to have his soul returned to him.

I love the way that even after he was turned into a vampire, William never really left. Whatever demon took over his body inherited William's mommy issues and he still wrote poetry and took care of Drusilla after she was injured because he loved her so much.

I love the way that Spike went to Joyce after Drusilla dumped him because he needed someone to talk to and she gave him hot chocolate with the little marshmallows that he loved.

Buffy: My mom! Spike: OUR mom! Buffy: 😤

Angel was cursed with a soul but Spike fought for his because he was horrified by the monster he was.

Spike is a fucking icon and I will love him for the rest of my life.

My boy proved himself to Buffy and he became her biggest defender when all her friends turned against her. I LOVE HIM.

He sacrificed his life so Buffy could keep living hers. 😭

[impalementation]

spike, angel, buffy & romanticism: part 1

I said a long ways back that I thought the switch from Angel to Spike as Buffy’s primary love interest represented an interesting evolution in the show’s attitude towards—and interrogation of—romanticism, and I finally felt like expanding on what I meant by that. This is very long, very meandering, and not terribly academic or well-edited, but I hope there’s something of interest in it nonetheless. It is about 20,000 words in total, and will discuss, in more or less chronological order, the arc of the show’s attitude towards romanticism as it is embodied in Spike, Angel, Buffy and Buffy’s relationships with both of them. I was going to release it as one long post, but because it’s so long, I figured a series of posts might be more readable. Here’s the first one.

* 

“When you kiss me I want to die”: Angel and the high school seasons

Both Spike and Angel are at once capital-R Romantic figures, and lower-case romantic interests, and in both cases that Romantic/romantic duality is what makes them such effective avatars for ideas around romanticism. In the case of Angel, the show is aware from the beginning that he is very much a Romantic idea of something. In “Welcome to the Hellmouth” Buffy describes him as “dark” and “gorgeous”, evoking the “tall, dark and handsome” cliche. He’s mysterious. He gives her a necklace and his coat, gestures out of high school romance fiction.* In “Out of Mind, Out of Sight” Giles lampshades the romance of him: “A vampire in love with a Slayer. It’s rather poetic, in a maudlin sort of way.” Initially, Angel is basically designed to be a teenage girl fantasy, and it’s no coincidence that his successors like Edward Cullen or Stefan Salvatore conform to similar tropes.

*(Think of how five seasons later, a vampire will give Dawn his letterman jacket in “All the Way”. It’s hard not to read as a deliberate echo of Angel’s gift in season one. Once again, a vampire makes romantic gestures towards a high school version of “Buffy”, and later turns on her. But more on this much later in the series.)

The difference between Angel and those other, more typical Supernatural Romance love interests however, is that the show ultimately attempts to subvert the romance of him. As part of its commentary on Gothic themes, season two makes Angel more Romantic than ever (the Claddagh, the tormented past), and makes the romance between him and Buffy central to the story in a way it wasn’t in season one. And then, of course, the season tears it all apart. The first time we learn what Angel did to Drusilla it’s horrifying, but still somehow abstract. Something that seems more like it’s meant to contribute to Angel’s dangerous, Byronic image. As in, something to make him more Romantic. And then suddenly it becomes real. Suddenly, it’s something that Angel could do to Buffy, or the people Buffy cares about. It turns out that his darkly romantic aura was not just an aura, but genuinely dark all along.

In turn, Angel’s devastating transformation is a metaphor for broader disillusionment about romantic ideas. It’s less to me about a “guy going bad after sex”, and more about what it means and feels like to have the scales fall from one’s eyes in that sort of situation. As Buffy copes with the fallout of Angel’s transformation, and later is forced to kill him, I see it as being about the tragedy of having to see the world in ways that are less simple, easy, or pretty as one gets older. As Buffy and Giles say in “Lie To Me”:

BUFFY: Nothing's ever simple anymore. I'm constantly trying to work it out. Who to love or hate. Who to trust. It's just, like, the more I know, the more confused I get. 

GILES: I believe that's called growing up. 

For more on this, I recommend this livejournal post on “Lie To Me”, which goes into great depth on the way season two frames stories as pretty lies that one needs to look beneath, and how Buffy’s romanticization of Angel symbolizes that.

The whole arc of the season is Buffy’s failure to see the danger presented by Angel. In this opening scene that danger is foreshadowed. More to the point for this essay, Angel goes on to lie to Buffy about having encountered Drusilla. He doesn’t want Buffy to know about the nature of Angelus – which means that his first inclination is to mask the danger he presents to Buffy. This is one episode after Halloween, where Buffy’s romantic fantasies about what Angel wants (a damsel) nearly get her killed. Nor is she completely over those fantasies, as she notes that the mystery woman talking to Angel had a pretty old-fashioned dress. So against the backdrop of Buffy’s fantasies about her dark and mysterious boyfriend we have the truth about what he is, which is quite horrifying.

Season three then takes this to another level, by not just pointing out the darkness of the romance of Angel, but in fact puncturing his romantic image. Instead of emphasizing his dangerousness, as season two did, season three emphasizes his adulthood. It emphasizes the way that Angel is someone Buffy sees in secret, or away from her friends. He’s not integrated with her teenage, high school life, and doesn’t fit with the peppy, high school movie aesthetic that characterizes a lot of season three. By doing this, the writing indicates that at this point in their lives, Buffy and Angel are ultimately incompatible and holding each other back. Regardless of however much they might care for each other, Angel can’t fully appreciate her teenage longings like dances, and college, and having a boyfriend. And Buffy can’t fully appreciate his adult need to find himself on his own terms. By the end of season three, Angel is less of a shadowy, tragic figure, and more just an adult man who needs to finally grow up a bit.

Season three also starts making jokes where the punchline is that Angel isn’t living up to the romantic aesthetic he embodied in seasons one and two. In “Helpless”, for example, he and Buffy have an exchange where he waxes sincerely about wanting to “keep [her heart] safe, to warm it with [his own]” and although Buffy says the sentiment is beautiful, a second later she deadpans: “Or taken literally, incredibly gross.” To which Angel replies, “I was just thinking that, too.” Or in “Graduation Day, Part 1”, Angel trips on a doorway instead of making a silent entrance and Buffy again deadpans: “Stealthy.” Angel’s romance slips at moments when Buffy herself is feeling weak, either because she has lost her Slayer powers, or she’s investigating the scene of her sister Slayer’s crime. Her Romantic Slayer half is betraying her, and her romantic girlish half is feeling insecure. This is echoed by the reminder that Angel is no longer a straightforward fantasy man--or a terrifying, larger-than-life villain--but a guy who is sometimes both verbally and physically inelegant. 

(Notice how one of the few times season two makes similar jokes about Angel it’s in “Lie to Me”, the very same episode that begins to peel off the layers of deceptions and unknowns about him. Angel slumps around Willow’s bedroom and jokes about “honing [his] brooding skills”, he insists that the vampire wannabes know nothing about vampires right before a guy walks by wearing his exact outfit, and Xander runs color commentary, saying “you’re not wrong” after each of Ford’s observations. In “Lie to Me” one of Angel’s hidden faces is his dangerousness, yes. But another hidden face is simply his human awkwardness.)

There’s an interesting Slayage piece by Elizabeth Gilliland that discusses the idea of Angel as a Gothic double for Buffy, specifically connecting him to the story of Jekyll and Hyde. It argues that Angel’s split identities represent Buffy’s fears that her human and Slayer halves are irreconcilable, and she cannot fully control either half. In season three, the fact that Buffy and Angel must continuously resist a loss of control with each other, and are treated as romantically incompatible, reflects this fear. 

In Season Three, replete with various factors in Buffy’s life that threaten to put her role as Slayer and girl into imbalance once more [...] Angel once again returns [...]. The season culminates in an attempted attack on Buffy’s classmates during graduation, which essentially forces her to “out” herself to her community and combine her roles as Slayer and daughter, classmate, and friend for the first time publicly (“Graduation Day: Part 2” 3.22). The worst has happened: her secret has been revealed, the entire school knows about both of her personas, and she has not only survived, but emerged with a stronger sense of self [...] Buffy has conquered her first Gothic fear, and proven to herself that she can not only exercise control over both dualities of her persona, but allow them to peacefully co-exist. Thus, Angel’s continuing struggle with Angelus can no longer act as her shadow, and he literally and metaphorically leaves her to continue the rest of her journey.

It’s an interpretation I mostly agree with, and see a lot of evidence for. But in keeping with the focus of this series, I think you could also read Angel as embodying a duality between the romantic and the unromantic. In this view, Buffy’s struggle between her human and her Slayer halves is not just a struggle between personas, but a struggle to see the world correctly. In season one, it’s not Angel that revives Buffy in “Prophecy Girl”, because Angel is a vampire trope just like the Master. He cannot help her, because he is exactly the kind of traditional romantic concept--like a candle-lit cavern, an ancient Nosferatu-looking vampire, or a Chosen Hero duty--that Buffy is trying to escape. In season two, loss of control is specifically associated with passion, romance, and romanticism. Buffy’s human half longs for the romantic, but her Slayer half, and Angel’s vampire half, prove that sometimes the romantic is something dangerous and violent. The fact that Buffy’s Slayer identity and Angel’s Angelus identity both end up being outed by the end of the season (especially to Joyce, a figure of Buffy’s human home life), echoes Buffy’s loss of innocence. Season three then continues this suspicion of passion. Buffy fears that like Faith, enjoying the violence and power and desire of being a Slayer, means that she will go down a dark path. She also fears that indulging in her sexual and romantic desire for Angel will unleash Angelus. To some extent, these fears are even borne out, given that her love for Angel results in her attempted murder of Faith, and near death at Angel’s hands. But to some extent they also aren’t, given that she, Faith and Angel all live. 

To me, what really gets resolved at the end of season three is not quite the issue of Buffy’s human and Slayer halves, given that Buffy will continue to struggle with that duality until the end of the show. Rather, what gets resolved is the need for binaries. Binaries are romantic things. When Giles gives his speech to Buffy at the end of “Lie To Me”, it is the language of binaries that he uses:

GILES: Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after. 

BUFFY: Liar.

In season three, Buffy thinks she must resist both Faith and Angel. She thinks she can only be either a human girl or a Slayer leader. Many plots in season three have to do with the danger of binaries, whether that’s the witch-hunting parents in “Gingerbread”, Willow dealing with her vampire self in “Doppelgangland”, the various alter-egos in “Beauty and the Beasts”, or Cordy choosing a Buffy-less world in “The Wish”. And no character in the Buffyverse embodies the concept of binaries so starkly as Angel does. Thus by the end of season three, Buffy collapses the binaries within herself by merging the human and Slayer parts of her life, as Gilliland observes, and taking on Faith’s traits. She acknowledges her shadow by kissing her tenderly on the forehead, and bids farewell to the illusions and binaries that Angel embodies. Buffy is leaving that part of her life behind, and starting a new chapter where she can no longer split either the world, or herself, into any one thing or another.

part 2: “Love isn’t brains, children”: Enter Spike as the id

[jodibodie]

I Have Some Feelings

To start let me just emphasize how much I love and adore this show and always will. This was my covid show. Both of my kids loved “Lucifer” and always said I should watch so at the start of covid I binged it and when I say binged, I mean all 4 seasons in a few days and have rewatched so many times I’ve lost count. I think it is timeless, engrossing, original and all around amazing. The writing and the cast were all excellent. The writing was smart and consistently strong and that is so rare.  Funny, sad, poignant, it hit all the notes with very few plot holes or missteps. There is not one episode in the entire series that was not engaging. Even if I didn’t like an episode, it was still well done. What a rarity.

The cast is scary good. Completely underrated. Just all phenomenally talented.  I don’t remember the last time a cast was this strong.  From the core group to both reoccurring and guest stars, the cast was just fantastic.  

Tom Ellis, no words.  The man deserves to choose whatever he wants to do acting wise. He should have people breaking down his door. He can truly do it all and do it all well. He took a character that if portrayed by a lesser actor could have come off as a complete asshole and made him one of the most sympathetic and loveable characters in recent history. Ellis made a crime solving devil, a promiscuous man-child that occasionally breaks into song and the evidence room into a beloved character that has become an icon.  

Lauren German, WOW.  She is just so damn good. She can break your heart one second and have you laughing the next. She makes Chloe real, and people don’t realize how hard that is. Chloe is smart, kind, tough and gorgeous but she’s also an insecure dork.  She’s us and German just brings it.  

DB Woodside I’ve loved since “Buffy”.  He is a phenomenal actor and who knew he could bring the laughs so well? His expressions were classic. Clueless angel indeed. Amenadiel could have been very one-dimensional but because of Woodside’s talent he became fully fleshed out and full bodied.  

I have no doubt Lesley-Ann Brandt has a huge career in front of her.  She took a character that very well could have been hated, a demon and made her into one of the most human characters on the show. Kudos to her for taking a tough role and making it her own.  

Kevin Alejandro is another actor I’ve loved for a long time.  He also took a character who if we’re going to be honest here did so many unlikeable things that he should have been truly despised but because of Kevin’s portrayal he was beloved. Great actor and a terrific director.

Rachael Harris IMO is the downlow MVP.  She was literally the rock and again, with a lesser actress the role could have been a throwaway. The normal human, the sounding board but Harris imbued her with so much more.  Her spit takes, sarcasm and her obvious compassion was what made Dr. Linda an unforgettable character. Once again just perfect casting.  

Aimee Garcia was a great addition. She made Ella a fan fav and put so much heart, joy and sincerity into Ella never once did you doubt that she would prevail no matter what was thrown at her.  Garcia was just fantastic, and I want her skin care regime.  

Scarlett Estevez pulled off the one thing I thought almost impossible.  She took the role of a young child and made it so I didn’t want to cringe. She portrayed Trixie so beautifully from day one that she was a true pleasure to watch.  Even though Trixie was super precocious Estevez never made her obnoxious. I loved Trixie and I have never said that about any child character in an adult show.  She was wonderful and has an amazing career in front of her.

That said, I’ve got some feelings now that I’ve seen the finale and have had some time to digest it all.  I love that Chloe and Lucifer had eternity and I agree that they had to be separated for Chloe’s lifetime. Didn’t like it but it’s the logical path. She’s human, he’s not. The ageing thing alone necessitated them not being together long term on earth and that’s just to start the list. They had to had to be apart for the short term to get their eternity but the duality of Lucifer's ending and Amenadiel's didn't sit right. Amenadiel as God got to have it all. His calling, his family etc. while Lucifer had to give up everything.  I also don’t buy the “If he came up from hell, he could never leave them again” defense.  I call bullshit.  Amenadiel managed, plus, missing out on the day to day is a huge sacrifice and by Lucifer missing out on the day-to-day Rory could still have had the hatred she needed to drive the story.  Popping in for birthdays, graduations, weddings, etc., the big stuff does not a father make.  Not being there for skinned knees, first heartbreaks, and all the little things a daughter needs her dad for can build up tons of resentment.  Boom, absentee father, just like his dad was. That provides all the millennial angel angst you could ask for. I have a daughter; it doesn’t take much.

The Trixie issue was huge for me. Can Chloe see her in Heaven? Will she be able to travel to Heaven and visit Trixie, Penelope, Dan, her father?  Chloe hesitated leaving Heaven in 5x16 because she couldn’t bear saying good-bye to her dad again. It seems as if Chloe sacrificed everything for Rory including Trixie. I want to preface this by saying. I liked Rory and loved the actress. I didn’t however like how it was as if she were their only child.  When Lucifer spoke of family Trixie was not mentioned. Their family day, the same thing. She didn’t need to be there, I get that the explanation regarding Rory would have been way too much to get into but just a mention of her, how awesome it would have been to share this day with her would have worked. It seemed as if Lucifer went from, “I would do anything to protect that little Urchin” to “Trixie who”. Trixie was a character that we watched grow up and she meant something to us. I hate to say this, but the writers did Trixie and the viewers dirty in this regard.

This show was built around a few premises.  Free will, honesty, redemption, sacrifice and family, both blood and made. The ending completely negated almost all of these.  Chloe and their entire family were made into the one thing Lucifer abhorred the most which are liars. Their daughter was brought up surrounded by lies. What did they tell Trixie?  The poor kid just lost her dad, and she was pissed at Lucifer when he went back to hell the first time. Did she grow up hating him because as far as she knew Lucifer left her mom again without saying good-bye and this time it was even worse because Chloe was pregnant.  I get that the actress who plays Trixie had limited availability but seriously. A quick good-bye.

“Hey Urchin, you won’t understand why for a long time, but I have to leave. You know I never lie so I can’t explain why but know that I love you and your mom and one day I hope you can forgive me.”  

A 30 second scene would have worked.

As all the characters learned throughout the series, omission of the truth is just a form of lying and there are always repercussions i.e., Chloe and Father Kinley, Dan shooting Lucifer, Maze finding out about Lilith and even Ella not being told. As far as free will, both Chloe and Lucifer had their free will taken from them in the end. By Rory forcing them to abide by her wishes, their free will was forfeited. It was a huge manipulation on Rory’s part and considering how much Lucifer hated manipulations it just didn’t sit right.

Parents making huge sacrifices I get. Chloe and Lucifer sacrificed everything for their child. Unfortunately for me this sacrifice, the way it was written seemed contrived to pull out maximum and IMO unjustified angst. I love angst.  Hell, this is my favorite show.  I thrive on the angst. But as I wrote earlier, all the anger, angst and hatred towards Lucifer could have been achieved without having Lucifer completely out of the picture. I have two kids and my husband, and I have made huge life altering sacrifices for them as many parents do but being there for the day-to-day little things was what made the difference in their lives and cemented the close relationships we have with them.

“Yeah, dad you were great. Showing up for the fun stuff, always swooping in for the big finish to play the hero then ditching us when things got tough. When Grandma was dying where were you?  Nice that you showed up for the funeral but the six months leading up to it…we needed you and once again you weren’t there. When T got sick, when Jen broke my heart, blah, blah, blah…”

Even the whole Chloe dying scenario. They could have written it that rage Rory traveled minutes before Lucifer got there. Have him pop in right after Rory comes back. There were so many ways to achieve the end game they wanted other than the way they went. It seemed contrived and as if they took the easy way out to get where they needed to go. The Rory rage that was the catalyst for her traveling back in time and Lucifer finding his calling could still have been accomplished without the whole Lucifer disappearing storyline.

Now that I’ve finished my diatribe there’s a couple of additional things I would like to say.  Lucifer is and always will be one of my favorite shows of all time. There are not enough words to describe the comfort and enjoyment this show has brought me. Thank you, thank you, thank you to the producers, cast and crew. You truly created something special.

To the fandom. Please do not let a polarizing conclusion rip apart the fandom. The only other fandom I was a part of tore itself apart so badly that the FBI got involved.  Hence why I waited for 15 years to dip my toe in again. Everyone invested in this show has the right to their feelings.  Debate is fine, baiting and bullying are not. The Lucifer fandom like the show is very special. Without the fandom we wouldn’t have gotten any conclusion so don’t let opposing viewpoints tarnish what has been a magical journey.  

[oveliagirlhaditright]

Just... I have to get this off my chest for some reason.

One of the reasons I can't stand S*puffy anymore, is because in season two with B*angel, they were trying to tell this story that him becoming her whole world was not a good thing and dangerous. And you can definitely see that in the narrative, like with "A*ngel, when I look to the future all I see is you." And this was a very good thing! This was, really, foreshadowing how even when their relationship was "good" and looked good there was also some foreboding here and, really, they were doomed. And this culminates in the whole A*ngelus arc where at the end she has to kill him to save the world. Because, intentional or not, even when he was A*ngel, she had gotten to this place where she was putting him above her duty (short aside: I don't think A*ngel would have ever wanted that. The opposite, really. He wanted to help her be the Slayer. But they got too wrapped up in each other, and yeah. And like I said, intentional or not, even before he was A*ngelus, maybe it was like he was starting to ask her to choose between him and her responsibilities), and that's why season two had to end the way it did.

This is one of the many things that makes B*uffy the Vampire Slayer good. And B*uffy a good heroine. This is what made the show what it did. And this is, quite arguably, the show at its best.

I remember some quote of Joss Whedon's where, in some ways, he was excited about the supernatural young adult fiction that started coming out around the time of Twilight, including Twilight, starring female characters. He thought that this was a good thing and he wanted to root for them... but as he read them, he felt like the stories were more about "what boyfriend is the girl going to pick." Because when forced with a tough choice, like between the world and her love, the girl would choose her love every single time and would never make the difficult choice, like B*uffy had. In these books, there was no "Buffy" in sight. Keep this in mind for later, please.

Now, in season three of B*uffy the Vampire Slayer, A*ngel does come back. And despite them trying to fight the inevitable numerous times, the two of them do end up dating again. But for the most part, they don't fall into the trap of season two, where they're putting each other above everyone and everything else. They love each other in a much better and healthier way, where they reach the potential they always had (and I feel they're even healthier in later seasons, where B*uffy doesn't do things like be willing to kill F*aith to save A*ngel). But even then, they're still doomed because of A*ngel's curse and know this, and A*ngel leaves.

Enter S*puffy. Now, I'm not even going to get into all the toxic stuff with them--that does bother me, don't get me wrong--that most people (for good reason) talk about with them. I'm here to discuss when they're "good." Including the comics. Which, I'll admit, is them at they're best (which I have enjoyed/did enjoy in the past). And there definitely is some good there.

But what really ticks me off, is that we completely forget the lesson that we learned and preached about in season two. And we start getting into "S*pike" is suddenly all B*uffy sees territory.

In season five, Buffy is faced with the dilemma of having to kill her sister to save the world at the end of the season. And this is one of B*uffy's major breaking points in the show (she goes catatonic after her sister is kidnapped by the goddess looking to murder her). Until season six (when she's ripped out of heaven by her friends) it is her lowest moment in the entire series. And the one thing she will not back down on: that, no: She will not let her sister die to save the world. She's given up so many other people (A*ngel in season two, for instance) and things (like her sanity, safety and peace of mind. Heck, she's already died once at this point). But this is the one sacrifice she won't make. And at the last seconds of the season--since she and her sister have the same blood (D*awn was created from her)--she realizes that she can die instead, and makes that sacrifice.

But then, all of a sudden, in season seven, B*uffy's saying that now she's changed and if she did have to make such a choice again--if there were no other option--she would sacrifice D*awn to save the world, but she won't sacrifice S*pike?! What the fuck?

I feel like no writing decision has ever pissed me off more than this, as the season five arc was one of my favorites in the show (maybe even more than the A*ngelus one, or tied with it). I was completely on B*uffy's side with the D*awn thing in season five and respected her for it, and they just threw it in the trash in season seven. And as someone who loves her own sister more than anything, and would definitely feel this same way as B*uffy, I take this personally.

Furthermore, remember that Joss Whedon quote from before that I told you to recall? Congratulations Joss and writers, you are now doing what you criticized in other authors: Having a heroine willing to let the world burn, but not her boyfriend! But she suddenly will let her sister burn, but not her boyfriend? That's vile!

And we're going backwards here. In season two, B*uffy realized why having her boyfriend be her whole world and cloud her judgement was a bad thing... and what? Now we're saying it's not? Or that it's okay with S*pike?!

Which gets me into another issue I have with S*puffy, that I made a post about (that I didn't even get even go into as deeply with as I could've/should've), that the writers started doing this thing where something they said was bad with B*angel was somehow okay with S*puffy. Which makes absolutely no sense. And could even get near a "S*pike is a Gary-Stu" level.

And it doesn't even stop with the D*awn thing. As others have pointed out, in season seven the S*coobies could have gotten seriously injured and S*pike has, like, a scratch on his lip (I'm exaggerating, I know, but the point stands) and B*uffy runs to him. He's a vampire! He has magical healing and is fine! Priorities, woman!

And there's this part in the comics where S*pike thinks that his great-great-great grandsire is going to possess him, and that he's going to become a real threat to B*uffy (that he might even lose his soul) and that she should probably just kill him for her and the world's safety (which, hey: is admirable. Major points to Spike here!:D). And B*uffy doesn't even take this seriously at all. (There's even this great part where she says something along the lines of, "You were a good person without a soul. If you lose your soul, you will be again and I'll just help you find your way again." But somehow, they also end up talking about his attempted rape of her when he was soulless and B*uffy goes, "That wasn't really you." Buffy, authors, you just contradicted yourself in, like, three breaths. You can't have it both ways. Which one is it?) But he does end up being controlled... and Buffy doesn't end up fighting him at all! All of the S*coobies are like, "What the hell are you doing?" as he's attacking her. But Buffy decides to take the risky chance of trying to get through to him with the power of love, and of course it ends up working out for them! This is not the B*uffy, nor the B*uffy the Vampire Slayer, I know and love. And of course when this ends up happening to A*ngel later on, they go about things differently for him. Ugh. (Another S*puffy issue I have: the point where the writers really started handing him his wildest dreams on a silver platter, while A*ngel and B*angel got nothing but suffering and trauma).

And then we have people like Stacey Abrams saying that A*ngel was good for B*uffy when she was discovering her power, but S*pike was good for her when she became the power. To me, it looks like S*pike made her weak AF, clouded her judgement--almost made her feel like a different character to me, after a point (especially in the comics, where she was making stupid decisions at points. Like the aforementioned risky power of love move)--and forget long, hard lessons she'd already learned.

Let's also not forget that a lot of times in the show that whenever they tried to push S*puffy, they had to do so by isolating Buffy from all of her friends.

And everyone likes to write home about S*pike's relationships with, like, J*oyce and D*awn and certain S*coobies. But eventually we lost those, too, to try and push S*puffy.

Buffy is definitely S*pike's whole world, which isn't healthy at all, which I'd say even takes away from his character and becomes his whole character in a lot of ways... especially in the comics. (The Buffyngton Post on YouTube has a lot of funny videos about the comics--and he's a huge fan of the comics, so it's not like he's hating on them or anything like that--where he pokes fun at everyone's entire role in the season. And a lot of times for S*pike, it'll be things like, "Show up at the end of the season with little to no bearing on the plot." And/or "Here to be B*uffy's boyfriend." And he's not a S*pike or S*puffy hater or anything like that. I feel like season 10, and arguably season 11 [or parts of it] is the only time this didn't happen. And The Buffyngton Post had the fear as the comics were coming out, that if S*pike became B*uffy's boyfriend in them, that he would lose all agency and just be Buffy's BoyfriendTM, with no arcs whatsoever. And that did kind of happen. Granted, this may moreso be an issue with the comics' writing as a whole. As the B*uffy the Vampire Slayer comics weren't the greatest. The A*ngel & F*aith ones were definitely better, for instance. But still.)

People complained when it seemed like this was the case for A*ngel in the early seasons of B*TVS (him just being B*uffy's vampire boyfriend, essentially). But then he got his own show, his own life, and friends. At a certain point, after S*pike falls in love with B*uffy, you rip her out of his life... and I honestly have no idea what he would do, where he would go, or what his story would be. Like in season twelve, when they've broken up. Which I guess is why it's a good thing that we really don't see much of that, and have a time skip. We jump right to when they're forced to interact again to fight an apocalypse. S*pike says that in that time he did some detective work with Dowling during their time apart, which I can buy, but it's still not a lot to go off of. Which is kind of the point and kind of my whole issue here.

Case and point: B*angel actually better adheres to the important theme that the B*uffy writers put in early in the show, and should have stuck to, then S*puffy.

Also... I am not looking for a ship war or argument here. This is me just getting these feelings off my chest (that's why I didn't tag anything and censored everything, because I'm hoping it doesn't show up anywhere and just stays on my blog, really). Anyone here who replies or reblogs this fighting, I will not reply and will probably instantly block you, etc. I'm sorry, but it's just the way it is. This is really me venting.

[buffysummers]

I just finished season 3 of my btvs rewatch (it's only the second time i'm seeing the show) and I have to admit I expected angel to be in the show longer with the way I see you post about them. I am not trying to be mean or anything, but why do you love them so much if he isn't in that much of the show?

A Buffy rewatch??? ALWAYS a good time omg. Ahhhh I have so many thoughts about this but I will do my best to keep everything as organized as possible.

To start off, Despite Angel leaving the show after season 3, he is still very present in Buffy’s life. That is never questioned or doubted. Having said that, I want to give a shout out to the writers of both BtVS and AtS for being so damn consistent with this. It isn’t like they break up and their relationship ceases to matter (I have seen SO many shows go this route lol) because there is so much evidence in canon to support that Buffy and Angel will always choose each other, regardless of how much time has passed or regardless of what may be going on in their lives.

Let’s look at season 4 of Buffy and season 1 of Angel as an example. In the season 3 finale, we get that beautifully understated final look of good-bye between them. I know the writers love to poke fun at the high stakes drama of Buffy and Angel, but they go an entirely different direction with their good-bye and I gotta say it’s perfect. They checked all my boxes with that one! I’m getting off topic here. Ok, so back to BtVS season 4/AtS season 1. Buffy is notably depressed at the start of season 4. Some of it has to do with being in a new environment and feeling out of her element, but a LOT of it has to do with Angel’s absence. You similarly see this with Angel when he first gets to LA. (it’s important to note I know BtVS better than any other piece of fiction out there, and I’ve only watched AtS maybe twice all the way through, so I don’t particularly remember the Angel stuff as well).

[So this is an edit after I reread for typos, which I’m sure I still missed some, it would probably take too long for me to list every important reference to either Buffy or Angel on both shows, but some important ones post season 3]:

Angel drops everything to be there for Buffy after her mom dies. They share a very intimate moment where Buffy admits to him things she hasn’t told anyone else, because she trusts him more than everyone else. this is toward the end of season 5, so WAY after he leaves the show btw. She also asks him to stay forever with her... And he wants to, but after the kiss they share, it’s very clear how reckless that would be. Just another example of them choosing the safety of the world over their own personal happiness.

Angel’s blatant jealousy of Riley.... Keep in mind, this is literally a year after they broke up basically and it’s like Riley shouldn’t even bother to compete with Angel. Oh God, poor guy. Never stood a chance.

I believe the episode is “Heartthrob” but Angel says that in all those years he’s lived (so... a lot lmao) no one ever mattered like Buffy did. This is like... season 6 of Buffy, so very far into the show.

Speaking of season 6, Buffy’s totally thinking about Angel in that speech Anya gives at her engagement party about finding the person for you and how rare it is etc. I am sad again.

In 7.05, so the FINAL SEASON of Buffy, Buffy states that she loved Angel more than she has ever loved ANYTHING in this life.... You heard it, pals. ANYTHING!!! IN!!! THIS!!! LIFE!!! She says she would’ve given up EVERYTHING to be with him.... Yeah.... Yeah.... 

I’d be remiss not to mention the kiss they share in the finale and the whole “shoulder to shoulder, i’m yours.” and the whole “sometimes is something...” when Buffy says she sometimes thinks that far ahead. I don’t really think I need to elaborate on the significance of this.

On a side note, I totally looked this up (so i’m not crazy enough to know this by heart lol), Buffy either appears or is mentioned/referenced in 11/22 of the episodes of season 1 of AtS, and Angel is mentioned/referenced in 9/22 of the episodes of season 4 of BtVS. So, despite the fact that they went their separate ways, their presence in each other’s lives feels almost palpable. Angel may be gone but he definitely is not forgotten and vice versa. 

Now, I don’t really like to draw comparisons between other ships but I have the perfect example so I’m going to go for it. Everyone knows that Stelena from TVD is modeled off of Bangel. (One of the creators of TVD even said they used Buffy as a template for their show lol.) Like Bangel was the blue-print for them (my feelings for Stelena aside, this is very obvious). Except when Stefan and Elena break up, it isn’t because they can’t be together, but because Elena falls in love with someone else. It’s canon. Stelena are what Bangel *could have* been. The writers could’ve chosen to ignore the significance of Angel to Buffy, and vice versa, but instead, they consistently write them to be in love throughout BtVS and AtS.

Buffy and Angel didn’t fall out of love. They weren’t incompatible and no infidelity was involved. They aren’t together because of external forces and because of who they are as individuals. They’re both heroes on separate journeys, although their influence on each other is crucial for that journey. Angel does not seek redemption without Buffy, Angel does not want to fight and atone without Buffy. She gives him the strength to do so, and after she does, he comes into his own. We also get to see what COULD have been in the most depressing but beautiful episode ever, “I Will Remember You.” Buffy and Angel would choose to be together if they could, but they literally can’t be together.

Similarly, I don’t think it can ever be stated *just* how important the back-to-back “surprise” and “innocence” episodes are... Those two episodes changed the entire trajectory of the show. There is not a single moment more important in either shows than the moment Angel becomes Angelus. Up until then, Angel was there to support Buffy. He loved her, she loved him, and he did his best to help her come to terms with her destiny as the Chosen One. He backed her up in the field and listened to her struggle with having to compromise basically every aspect of her life. She didn’t get to place value in cheerleading and making straight a’s and being popular like Cordelia and literally every other high school student on the planet. But she wasn’t alone, she had him. Until she didn’t.

Although Buffy faces a God and an evil that’s omniscient and everywhere, her battle with Angelus is her biggest victory from an emotional standpoint. Because in that moment, well I should say in those pivotal 60 seconds, she has to decide who she was. Could she have taken Angel and fled and tried to outrun Acathla for as long as possible? Could she have turned to Giles and his books to find an alternative way to save the world? Absolutely. But did she? No. She chose to be selfless and plunge a sword into the love of her life’s heart... all in like 60 seconds. (Can we talk about the acting from SMG in this scene because holy..... shit!!!!!!!!!! So much is displayed in so little time). Also, you just know that Buffy knows Angel would understand. He wouldn’t blame her or hold it against her for doing that (of course she’s tormented by the idea that he would bc hello PTSD that’s some real shit right there)

The reason I mentioned “Becoming” though is that without Buffy and Angel’s deep love for each other, we’d never get Angelus, and if we never got Angelus, we’d never see Buffy realize or “become” who she was always meant to be. She’s a hero, we know this, we’ve seen her go to fight the Master despite knowing that she would die, but this is different. Because this time, she’d have to stick around and deal with the fallout, unlike if she were to have remained dead in “Prophecy Girl.” She knew she could make that sacrifice, but there’s only *one* way to know if you can sacrifice what you hold closest to your heart yes this is corny blah blah I’m tired [Another sidenote but god I’m thinking of how she mentions how she sacrificed Angel to save the world and that she loved him so much in “The Gift” but now she feels she doesn’t have that anymore. This is tragic and heartbreaking for a lot of reasons, but the main one being that she felt so defeated in this moment. She was emotionally exhausted, barely clinging to sanity (as seen by her catatonic state in “the weight of the world”) and felt that she no longer had the resolve to make a sacrifice like that because why SHOULD she??... God I could go down another rabbit hole with this thought but I will refrain from inflicting that on y’all... by y’all I mean to the maybe one person that will read this fucking essay jfc shjdgsdg] I wanna close out this paragraph and just say how iconic and sexy it is of Buffy and Angel to get an entire season dedicated to their love story, like no other pairing gets the same treatment in both shows (or like... a lot of shows I’ve watched lol) like everything that happens in season 2 is directly connected to their love for each other... powerful stuffffff

tldr: wow I went on so many tangents like does this even make sense, but simply put, Buffy and Angel do not just disappear after season 3. The significance that they had on each other (as individuals and as a couple) is felt throughout both shows. It is *always* present, even if it’s not directly stated. The influence is always there...It’s written into both of their characters to love each other always, that’s canon.... And I feel God in this Chili’s tonight

[prose-for-hire]

UC Sunnyhell: Part six

Highway from Hell!

Previous Part // Next part

Pairing: Spike x reader

Request: College AU. Set sort of more modern. Part six of eight. You go on a trip with your friends and find yourself realising just how you feel for Spike. 

Warning: Alcohol consumption, swearing, sex reference

Original request by: @sunflower-stan​​

Other tags: @fictionalhoomanfromnowhere @harpersmariano @artsymaddie @shy-ginger-in-the-graveyard @cameo-greaves​ @llott1e  

You and Spike were getting on so much better again. You were enjoying your friendship with him, you almost didn’t want to leave him. You knew you would really miss him.

You were packing for your trip. You and your friend group were going to the coast for a weekend trip with your friends. It also happened to coincide with spring break. 

You were really excited, you had never done anything like this before and you were practically gushing. And packing way more than you needed for a long weekend. Spike was lying back on your bed, some of your discarded clothes surrounding him as you gushed about the trip.

He hadn’t been welcome to join your friends (which upset you a little) and he had insisted he wouldn’t be seen dead going on spring break. He maintained that it was expensive and stupid so he never went. He teased you about it, but you knew now that it was his way of showing his affection. A kind of endearment that only worked now you knew him.

You shrugged and continued packing. He eyed some of your swimwear and raised an eyebrow and you took it back from him with a warning look that he found sweet. He chuckled slightly, mock-surrendering. He wished he could see you with so little on. Wished you wanted him to. Wished to drink in your form.

You turned away and shook your head. He couldn’t help scanning his eyes along your body when you turned away though, imagining you wearing that. Wearing it because you knew he liked it. Wearing it because you enjoyed his eyes on you.

God, he had it so bad. He loved your mind. The way you smiled at him, the way it lit up your features. He wanted to kiss your lips. Hear your voice. That tone of yours, it comforted him to no end to hear it. He loved the way you smelled, that natural scent. Just sitting in your room even, becoming enveloped by it. By you.

“You gonna go wild then - on this trip?” He asked lazily, using his hand to gesture with his words.

“Wild? Do you think I’ve ever gone wild before Spike?” You couldn’t help scoff at his words. He frowned, he wasn’t so sure. You weren’t as innocent and boring as he thought upon his first impression. You would tease him, especially more so recently. You weren’t afraid of sex or intimacy. But he still continued his line of thought anyway.

“Spring break, ain’t it? Gets everyone all worked up right?” he said this, a hint of anxiety in his voice. He still didn’t enjoy the potential for people that weren’t him catching your eyes. Sharing your body. Bed.

In fact, it made him angry. Pulsating with jealousy. Throbbing with a fury he could barely keep at bay. Never at you, he wasn’t mad at you. Could never be. Not anymore.

He looked up at you, daring to see your reaction. In case he had shown his hand. In case you had caught the anxiety on his face. That he would lose your time. Your sweet mind. Words.

Couldn’t bare it if anything changed.

But you were still smiling. You always did when it was you and him. Rather than fuel his words, you instead tried to close your suitcase, but it wouldn’t shut properly.

He had been frowning slightly as you spoke about the trip. He was really going to miss having you around the house. Sharing your spare time together. Those nights in. He was fast becoming consumed by you and the thought of spending even this little time apart was starting to make him a little lacking. He liked to be by your side. In your company.

The amount of times he had chosen to stay in rather than leave the house was now becoming more apparent to you. You had noticed but never mentioned it. You just guessed he had been leaving so often before just so he didn’t have to spend time with you when you didn’t like each other.

He got up from his spot on the bed. Launching himself off the side as he usually would before he moved to you. Reaching for the case to help you close it. You smiled him and he almost leaned into you and expressed the raw emotions he had to push down when you were around.

Instead, he just looked down. At the case. You closed it together, pressing the case down and eventually managing to zip it up.

His hand brushed against yours and you shivered. Glancing at him sideways as he moved his hand away slightly too quickly. How he wished he could have kept his hands there. His skin against yours. That thought sounded so good to him.

You had figured it out. Finally. That you had feelings for him. That all that time you spent with him would never be enough. You had looked over from your side of the sofa one evening and caught him in a certain light. The glow from the tv managed to accentuate those beautiful features of his and suddenly you felt it. How deeply you cared for him. How easily you could see yourself in his arms, or better wrapped around each other in bed.

You had been thinking about these feelings, that moment you had realised, rather than focusing on what you had been doing. You were staring at him. Again.

You were snapped out of these thoughts though. He smiled, about to say something but you became distracted. His face dropped as he heard it too.

You heard a noise getting closer, loud music vibrating against the house from outside. Oz had pulled up in the van outside your shared house and you called your goodbye to Spike before running to join your friends.

You were squished into the window side of the van with Cordy and Xander making full use of the backseat despite you and Buffy sharing it with them. Willow was in the passenger seat sorting through Oz’s extensive cassettes trying to find something else to put on. They were good friends again despite their past.

It truly felt as if you were driving away from hell itself. You all felt lighter the further down the highway you went. The further towards your destination. It meant a break, it meant carefree fun with your friends. You were already having fun, giggling and joking together.

A classic rock song began to play. Loud and it instantly lit everyone’s faces up. Everyone began to sing along at the top of their lungs, including yourself. No matter how in tune any of you were, it was freeing to be able to scream along in this way. Even Cordy and Xander had come up for air. It was as if you were in a coming-of-age movie, the weekend was full of possibilities and you were ready to just relax and perhaps sift through the way you truly felt… if you had time between the parties Cordelia had told you that you were going to. She had planned out a way for you to hit all of the coolest parties with almost military precision.

You stopped off a few times, grabbing more snacks and trying to figure out the right direction. Xander challenged everyone to a game of how many snacks you could throw up and catch in your mouth which just made a mess of the back of Oz’s van. Buffy explained that Angel was already at a party and waiting for everyone to arrive. This then launched into a conversation about the battle plan you had all decided upon to finally get Buffy and Angel together.

You began to stare out of the van’s window after a while, no matter how happy you were your mind wasn’t far from him. Wondering what he might be doing. Who he might be with. God, sometimes it made you ache to think he’d rather have strangers in his bed than you.

You became lost in thought as you ate some of the last remaining snacks. You couldn’t help but think just how much you longed to be with him. How much you wished he would choose you over the rest of those vying for his attention. Your soul ached for him, you could feel it. You wished he had thought you were being serious when you invited him to come. But he had just scoffed at you in that way he does.

You had it bad. You even adored the way he scoffed at you. The way he teased. You loved the ugly parts of him just as much as the good. Wait… you loved him? Of course you loved him. It’s Spike.

This revelation, of how deeply you had fallen for him was spinning around your mind for the rest of the journey. A tornado, ripping everything you thought you knew apart. You wished he was here, beside you. You wished that he felt the same as you.

It was dusk by the time you got to the motel you were staying at. once you arrived you found out you had to wait for your room to be cleaned up before you could settle your stuff in. They let you leave your belongings behind reception for safety and you all went to hit the beach party that was already in full swing.

It was so alive, the party had a mind of it’s own. An entity of itself. Wild and unstoppable. You were marginally more comfortable here than at a frat party. You knew less people and you could just focus on having fun with your friends. However, you still felt as if there was something missing.

Something. Or perhaps, someone…

Just as your mind cast towards him, you thought you saw a glimpse of a familiar face. 

Bleach blonde hair. Leather. 

You moved through the sea of people looking for a better view. Spilling beer over people as you went in your haste. You so hoped your eyes hadn’t deceived you. But, when you got to the spot, there was nobody you recognised around. He couldn’t have moved that fast. You shrugged, walking back to your friends. 

A smile on your face as you saw Buffy walk up to Angel and whisper something in his ear. She lead him away from the crowd and you laughed at Xander’s stupid comments about him.

You pulled your friends back over to dance. You began to really enjoy the evening, this band was playing just before Dingoes had managed to score their set.

You kept seeing flashes of his face no matter where you looked or how energetically you danced to try and shake the imprint of him that appeared to be stamped into your vision. As if you at stared at light too long and he would slowly fade at some point. Although, you so hoped he wouldn’t disappear from view. Even like this.

It made you miss him though. More than you even thought possible. You saw things you wish you could tell him about. In your head, you heard his voice commenting something snide that would make you laugh. He was in everything. He was everywhere you turned.

And it just made the fact he wasn’t really there with you more apparent. Not to mention, you didn’t think he could possibly feel as deeply as you did. Everything was bubbling to the surface, all these feelings you hadn’t acknowledged were all descending on you now.

He always made you feel more comfortable. More at ease. He made you want to share yourself in a way you never had before. It made you feel things you had only ever dreamed about. Written feverishly about without truly getting it until this very moment.

You wondered if Spike had ever felt this way. Love.

You looked up from the red cup you were drinking from and directly into his eyes. Everything was still happening around you, the party was still raging on. But it felt as if time had stopped, only briefly but you were sure of it. And unbeknownst to you, he felt it too. It was only the two of you.

You stepped towards him, this time you had no doubts. It truly was him. The face you thought you had been imagining. Because you couldn’t stop thinking about him so much. Spike. He was there. He was really there.

“Spike!” You exclaimed, the smile on your face widening which he couldn’t help but match at your reception, “What are you doing here?!” 

You grinned about to launch yourself at him in a hug that he would have adored. But you hesitated and held yourself back, worrying he may figure out how you felt. You felt self conscious of your movements now you acknowledged your feelings. But even such innocent contact would have made him dizzy. God, he was a fool for love. For you.

“Thought I’d drop in. Prove myself right” He shrugged, swigging from a bottle of beer.

“Well… it’s really great you’re here! Why don’t you come and join us?” You smiled, your cheeks aching from how wide it was. You gestured towards your friends and his face dropped slightly.

“Not on your bloody life” he looked over to where Angel and Buffy were dancing together and to where some of your other friends were drinking and laughing. That wasn’t his life. He didn’t fit in with any of them. They didn’t trust him. Didn’t like him. Because he didn’t have the same interests as them. Same morals.

They thought they were so much better than him, which is why it always confused him so much how easily you got on with them. To him, you were more similar to him. A soul that spoke to his own. You belonged with him. By his side. Not theirs.

“Well, then... just one dance? Please? Nobody will know, everyone’s probably drunk already” You whispered, your hand reaching for his. 

Your confidence had decidedly sprung from nowhere but if you hadn’t taken this chance, you would have regretted it. His eyes widened in panic as he watched your hand reach for him. But he didn’t move. His hand was hard, stuck in place as you took it. It almost made you let go again, until he relaxed slightly. You were so sweet to him - he just couldn’t resist you.

Couldn’t resist the idea that you wanted to dance with him. Only him. He had been watching you from afar, you hadn’t asked anyone else to dance with you. Just him. This filled him with a kind of pride, that you liked him in this way. That perhaps there was hope.

You took the hand that you had kept in his and pulled him into the crowd, away from your friends so you could have a sense of privacy amongst the writhing bodies of strangers.

You began to get a little bolder, pressing your body a bit closer which made him smirk. He opened his mouth, as if to say something. He closed his eyes slowly at the proximity, he swallowed thickly. He felt lucky to even be in your presence in this moment.

You pulled away a little, still dancing. Your hand never far from his. You wanted to weave your fingers between his but decided that gesture would be more intimate than you wished to reveal. The alcohol and the way he softened around you had made you a little braver, but not by all that much.

He whispered something jokingly in your ear that left you laughing, his face turned up into a smile. The widest you had ever seen from him. Especially in public. God, he wanted so badly so lean in and kiss you but he was concerned how you would react. Couldn’t lose you. Or this. It was starting to mean too much and it scared him.

Being this close and not being able to do anything about it was almost painful. He wanted you in every way. He ached for you, longed for you in every sense imaginable. He dipped and moved against you again, his own hands becoming bolder as he held you against him.

You were about to muster up the courage to say something to him. Hint at how much this meant. How this moment made you so happy you felt as if you could happily die by his side. Your last moments would have been the greatest. Because you had all of his attention. His touch. Even the whisper of more, if you ignored the doubts that usually plagued you.

However, you were quickly pulled apart from each other. You were about to shout at the offending party, never mind spike, but when you looked your eyes bulged. It was Cordelia. Seeking to protect you from Spike. 

She took a deep breath as if she were about to launch into some kind of argument, but instead she stared him down, said “ew” in his face and then pulled you away. Spike opened his mouth to say something back but you got swallowed by the crowd. You had slipped through his fingers again.

You wished you had leaned in when you had the chance. You just didn’t know how he would react. You believed that he was so painfully honest and so real to himself that if he had an interest he would say something. 

You wanted to kiss him. To let him in, completely. Which was dangerous. You knew about everything the others said. About everything he himself had said. But you couldn’t help it. Nobody knew him like you did, you were so sure of it. You were fast beginning to fall for him and you weren’t able to do anything to stop it.

You felt like an idiot. Of course he was too cool for you. He was the kind that broke hearts and smoked and kept a string of one-night stands. You were better off as friends… right?

You kept looking for him through the rest of the night but managed to just miss him each time. He saw you but didn’t guess for a second that you could be looking for him. Buffy had probably lost an earring and told you all to look for it, he presumed. She did seem to be bossy in that way, to him anyway.

You began to drink less, instead scouting the crowd between trying to keep up with your friends. You barely cracked a smile when you saw that Angel and Buffy were finally talking after dragging their feet for as long as possible. Eventually, knowing how invested you had been in getting them together, Willow noticed and pulled you aside. She worried when you had that look on your face. Sometimes you appeared lost - just staring into space. She didn’t realise you were usually trying to understand your feelings. Well, not until you blurted it out to her anyway.

“Will, I like Spike” You shouted into her ear, over the thumping of the music. It was so freeing to say it out loud and you continued, “I think I really like him!” You shouted louder and she almost stepped back at the force of your feelings. As if she could physically feel the shocking words. They slapped her in the face and she stayed silent for a moment. She was concerned.

“You should be careful, he looks at you as if he wants to eat you or something” Willow furrowed her brow. You held back the suggestive look you could have given her that could only have transferred to you since you had been spending so much time with the man himself.

She was staring beside you, to a spot on the periphery of the beach. She snapped her eyes away but not before you turned to look. There he was shrugging someone off him. You couldn’t tell if they were coming onto him or trying to start a fight with him and really it could have been either. His eyes instead boring into yours. Transfixed on you. You snapped away, feeling your cheeks heating up and you couldn’t blame it on the alcohol anymore.

You looked back to Willow who didn’t seem to want to let you go over there. It was as if she could read your mind, it was almost spooky. You had spotted him, much to your friend’s apparent distaste. You slowly walked over to him, leaving Willow watching you in concern.

“I found you again” You said quietly. You were sure he probably couldn’t hear you over the music but he had. And he had savoured every last syllable. The way you looked this evening, it knocked him breathless. The way you appeared under the moonlight. Your attention all his even if it was just for this brief moment.

“Just looking for one of those abandoned beach houses”

“Why?”

“Man’s gotta sleep some time.” he shrugged.

Spike didn’t have anywhere to crash. At the furrow in your brow, he mentioned something vague about finding a sofa or something instead as if he knew anybody in town. He hadn’t actually expected you to offer him somewhere to stay. Figured you had probably had enough of him seeing as you lived together all of the time.

But of course you offered for him to come back to your motel. You would have room, you were pretty sure that they gave you two single beds like the one you saw in Buffy and Willow’s room.

You were the only one with a motel room to yourself. Buffy and Willow were sharing – Tara hadn’t been able to come on the trip but insisted that Willow still should. Willow had been on her phone checking in with Tara the entire time. Oz was sleeping in his van and insisted he was fine there when you asked if he needed somewhere to stay. Cordy and Xander were sharing because it was more comfortable than the back of a car and Angel was staying with one of his frat buddies.

He lit up at your offer. Eyes dropping to the floor before looking back to your face. Head tilting slightly, scanning your face and finding only sincerity. Concern. How much you cared. He was really pleased you would offer. Want him to have somewhere to stay despite him dropping by unannounced and completely out of character.

You both decided to leave after a while, it wasn’t really Spike’s scene anyway and you were happy to spend more time with him. You walked back the way you kind of remembered and grabbed your stuff, ignoring the disapproving look you got from the woman behind the counter for bringing someone back with you. Spike muttered a few choice words about her that made you feel less embarrassed and he took your bag off you and carried it to the room.

You were both laughing as you stepped inside. It only subsided a little when you saw it. Spike’s face went white. Your laugh turned a little nervous. You would have never guessed it could be this. It was something that you had only ever heard about. Something you couldn’t have even fathomed would have happened to you.

There… there was only one bed.

You looked at each other for a moment. Both of you would have jumped at the chance of sharing in an ideal world. Where feelings didn’t choke you on every other word and the idea of having even such innocent intimacy made you dizzy.

“I-I can take the floor” You offered quickly. Which was the opposite of what you wanted to say. You wanted to slip into bed beside him. Press your body against his.

“Now, don’t start with that rot – I’ll take the floor. Slept on worse believe me” He insisted, already snatching up a pillow and arranging a thin sheet on the floor. It looked anything but comfortable but he wouldn’t hear your insistence.

You both got ready for bed in silence. You had only a little more to do than Spike, who’s nightly routine consisted of taking his t-shirt off and slinging it to the other side of the room. He would usually sleep naked but learned that would be inappropriate based on how your eyes had bulged upon your first meeting.

You didn’t really speak as easily as you had earlier, everything felt a little stilted. Awkward at even the whisper of the idea that you could have been sharing a bed. With you, that idea was a sacred one and so he didn’t lay on his usual charm to get himself to slide in beside you. He was uncharacteristically bashful about the arrangement but didn’t let it show.

You both instead opted to go straight to bed, turning the lights out and hoping that sleep would be quick. But, of course, that would never happen.

It had been a few hours now and you were both yet to fall asleep. Both of your courage had been growing as the night wore on. You felt bad being in the bed. You were moving around a lot, unable to relax in one position. You could also hear him shifting uncomfortably every so often. His back wasn’t taking to the floor.

“Spike… are you awake?” You asked through the darkness.

“No”

“Spike…”

“Can’t hear myself think with all that tossin’ and bloody turning you’ve been doing” He muttered. His voice was gruff but you could tell he was letting you off lightly.

“I was thinking… it’s not right you being on the floor-”

“Told you, I’ve had worse-”

“I was wondering if you wanted to, uh, share… the bed I mean” You said this so slowly. Barely above a whisper. You were scared he was going to tease you. Say the last thing he would ever want to do was be near you.

However, he was so surprised at your offer he forgot to make a suggestive comment. You weren’t offering anything, he knew that. But his heart began to soar. 

He lifted himself up to look at you, squinting through the darkness - ensuring you were being sincere. This was all he had ever wanted recently. To be in bed beside you. To be that close, for you to want him there.

It filled him full of hope. Hope that he tried desperately to push down. He was used to disappointment. He so wished to wrap his arms around you and have you wish to embrace him in return. He didn’t want his face to betray him, show you just how much this meant to him. Not yet at least.

He was satisfied you meant it and slowly, as if moving too fast would make you change your mind, took his pillow and walked towards the bed. You hitched over to one side, bringing your pillow. Giving him space to settle. You couldn’t help but smile a little as he slid beside you. Although he kept a lot further away from you than you found yourself hoping he would.

There was a clear boundary line. One you were both nervous to cross. You both stayed on your respective sides of the bed as you lay awake dreaming for more. He wanted to reach for you, to whisper things that only this time of night emboldened him to. But he didn’t.

He stayed awake purposely now. He cursed himself for being such a lovesick fool but he wanted to savour every moment of laying here beside you. He heard you begin to breath deeper. Slipping into a contented sleep.

Knowing he was beside you, you felt almost protected. Safer. It allowed you to sleep peacefully, maybe deeper than you had in a while. You couldn’t describe it - you had never consciously noticed you had slept all that badly. But with how noticeably easier it was to have a restful sleep, it was now clear. It was as if you were… at peace.

As the morning sun began to wake and stretch its golden rays, you woke up. It was a pleasant feeling. A soft one. Especially when you shifted slightly and realised that you were being cradled by strong arms. You smiled, half asleep nestling further into their grip. The smell, it was familiar. It made you feel safe. Content. You moved back slightly. Pressing yourself flush to the body lying against you.

Your bodies had found each other in the night. Subconsciously moved towards each other. As if your sleepy states could share something that you hadn’t been able to when awake.

As you began to wake up properly, you tensed. Realising who had their arms around you. This sudden movement jolted you awake. You pulled you in tighter on instinct before completely pulling away and almost rolling from the bed in his shock at how you had spent the night.

He had sprung from you and so you mirrored his action. Your faces in shock. You were both, for once, speechless. Unsure what this meant. If the other was silent because they were horrified or possibly… pleased that this had happened?

God, you could only hope. Neither of you knew what to do or say. You just stared at the other from across the bed. The bed you had shared such soft intimacy.

You instead grabbed your stuff and went into the adjoining bathroom to get ready for the day. When you were finished, he had left. Your heart sunk. You didn’t know what to think.

You were scared he would go back to how he had been when you first met. Not wanting to even know you. Or tease you because of how you had shifted against him. Because he hated that he shared vulnerability with you. So he would distance himself again. You really couldn’t bear it if he did any of that. You wanted him close again. Your skin felt cold without his touch.

Since that evening neither of you could stop thinking about the other. More so than you ever had been. You were both consumed. Wholly.

Your mind was distracted, although you were having fun with your friends. You went to the beach a lot and plenty of parties but your mind couldn’t help moving to him every so often. The thought of sharing a bed with him. Having him by your side. It made you giddy.

You wanted him against you. His skin pressed against yours. His lips grazing yours. Hushed tones promising affection. Promising the world. You craved it. Craved him.

Both of you thought of the other. Longed for more through your respective days. Wished against everything that you could return to the other’s arms. But for Spike to let you in any further, he had to be sure. He so wanted to let you in but he didn’t want to get burned in the way that he was used to.

You crossed paths but managed to miss each other. Whether it was intentional or not on the other’s part you weren’t sure. But you sorely missed the other. It had only been a day or two and yet the space that the other held in your heart and mind was growing by the second.

He finally returned to the motel the night before you were set to return back to Sunnydale. You were worried he wouldn’t come back. You couldn’t help but smile when you saw him enter. He looked a little awkwardly around to begin with. You couldn’t look each other in the eyes straight away. You hadn’t spoken since you had been that close. It ached even now, to have him stood there and not be able to reach for him less he breaks your heart.

Spike had done some depraved things with a random swathe of the general public. He had tried it all but had never been rendered this speechless to face someone after spending the night in their bed. All you had done was cuddle up together and he could feel himself almost blushing at the idea of facing you.

You smiled slightly when you saw it was him. He had even knocked before he entered. You held yourself back from launching yourself at him and pulling him under your bedclothes. You instead spoke to fill the space. You asked if he wanted to travel back in Oz’s van with you and your friends but he muttered something about sticking something large and wooden through his chest instead.

You had been reading when he walked in, so instead he changed the subject. Not wanting you to hear his nasty comments – rather he wanted you to think of him and remember good things. He began to discuss the you the book with you. He had read it himself and was now managing to find his voice at last. You spoke animatedly and he smiled softly. Admired the way you had such enthusiasm.

He was watching your lips as you spoke. Even in the dim light of the room, to him you looked ethereal. As if you were glowing. He almost succumbed to his thoughts and spilled this aloud but something stopped him. An insecurity he had repressed perhaps.

Eventually you put your book away and began to move as if to turn off the lights. He took a pillow from the bed and began to move to a spot on the floor. You frowned and you spoke before you had a chance to stop yourself.

“Are you not taking the bed tonight?” You asked lightly, turning over to face away from him as you said it. Your heart was beating dangerously out of your chest. You didn’t realise but his would be too. Completely in time with yours.

You had hitched over to the same side as last time when you rolled over. Leaving him space to slide in beside you. You weren’t sure if he would take you up on your offer. Waiting was agony. He hadn’t replied and the silence was deafening. You started to become embarrassed at your offer. At the way he hadn’t replied.

Until you felt it. The bed dipped in beside you. He had slid into bed again. He lay facing you but left a notable space between you. You hadn’t realised but you had been holding your breath until he settled beside you. This meant so much.

After a moment, you turned to face him cautiously, gauging his expression. It was guarded but his arms began to move, snaking around you and when you smiled his actions became less tentative. It was a small smile that you shared but it meant so much. You pressed yourself closer, cradling him against you further.

It wasn’t an accident that night. It was confirmed to you. You cuddled on purpose. Shared something precious. Warmth and intimacy and hushed whispers filled your hearts. Neither of you wanted to succumb to sleep in case this wasn’t real in the morning.

You eventually fell asleep in the early hours, as the threat of light had began to intrude through the window. Wrapped around each other. It was the purest bliss. You never wanted to leave this moment. You just wanted to stay, arms draped around the other. As if you could take on the world. Protect each other. As if it was only the two of you that mattered in that moment.

You jumped awake, however, still tangled against him. You had overslept. You were late for the trip back. You were going to take the long way and stop off somewhere Cordy knew that was apparently insta-worthy. You rushed about to pack up and decided to leave him the key for when he woke up with a little note.

You turned to look at him, still sleeping before you left. But his eyes were open. That look in his eye, one you wouldn’t forget. He appeared almost forlorn that you were going to leave him that way. But you smiled, it was a warm smile. One that told him you didn’t regret a thing. That you had been right there with him.

He held onto that smile, the corners of his own mouth tugging slightly. He nodded his head and you turned and left. Hurrying to the others before they left without you.

You were doing dangerous things to him. Giving him hope. Hope that you could be more than friends…

[beauenfer]

True Happiness

ﾟ: *✧𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫: @beauenfer ﾟ: *✧𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 4,651

ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*: .: ⋆*･ﾟ: ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆

•‎𐩐 ༘ ✦* FANDOM: Buffy the Vampire Slayer

•‎𐩐 ༘ ✦* PAIRING: Angel x fem!Reader

•‎𐩐 ༘ ✦* WARNING: 18+, not very explicit but there’s sexual content, some language

•‎𐩐 ༘ ✦* SUMMARY: After an argument with Angel, reader doesn’t think he loves her. He shows up to her room that night to prove her wrong. But all actions have consequences, as the old saying goes

ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*: .: ⋆*･ﾟ: ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆

“YOU THINK I WANTED THIS?” You cried, whipping around to look at the man you loved. But he was no more of a man than you were. He was a vampire, a killer. He’s hurt innocent people to fulfill his own boredom and pleasure, he had two hundred years on you, and he was considered a monster, yet you couldn’t help but fall in love. You must’ve looked crazy, at least to him. With your frizzy hair, red cheeks, quivering chin, and swollen, bloodshot eyes. You’d been fighting for over an hour, at least, over something you regret even admitting.

Angel looked at you with a simple frown, wearing the white tank top he always wore when it was just the two of you. He clenched his jaw, looking at the floor. And for some reason, that made you angrier. It made you think he couldn’t even look at you.

You quickly walked up to him, and shoved his chest in a fury you’ve never felt before. You felt like your skin was burning, a kind of rage that had you thinking dangerously. You couldn’t see due to your tears blurring your vision. They were relentless, falling down your cheeks, to your neck, down to your shirt in wet patches around the collar.

“What? You can’t even look at me?! Am I that repulsing to you?!” You exclaimed, wiping your tears with your palms to give yourself some dignity.

Suddenly, Angel’s face had morphed into his vampire one with a growl. He reached you in one big step and grabbed your wrists, forcing you to look at him. You sobbed as he jerked your arms, hovering over you as your legs seemed to have gotten weak.

“Do you love this, huh? You may think you love me but do you love this? The monster? Don’t stand there and tell me you love me when you don’t! I’ve killed people far more innocent than you and liked it! I loved to hear them scream, make them beg for mercy!” He hissed, his fangs poking out from behind his lips as he spoke with fervor. He was trying to give you all the reasons you shouldn’t love someone like him, trying to convince you he wasn’t worth loving. But you knew better than that.

“That wasn’t you! That wasn’t you!” You could barely breathe, closing your eyes because you couldn’t look at him. You were just rambling and sobbing all at once. Your chest felt like it was going to explode and your heart was hurting. You told him you loved him, you told him you didn’t care that he was a vampire, you put your heart of glass out in the open and it felt like he had crushed it. You didn’t think you’d be able to handle this rejection.

“It was me! I’m a killer! I’m a monster! Monster’s don’t love!” He growled, jerking you in his arms one last time before you fell to the ground, sobbing on the floor. Angel just turned around, clenching his fists.

You looked at the tattoo on the back of his shoulder, feeling something spark inside you that had your shaky legs standing you up. You closed your eyes for a few moments to calm your tears, a sudden realization that all this yelling was getting you nowhere.

You inhaled shakily, giving Angel your final words.

“I know what you are, perfectly well. You were a killer, you were a monster. But you’re not anymore. So stop trying to make me hate you.” You paused to see if he would react, he stayed turned away. Another tear fell down at the silence, but you continued.

“I love you, Angel. And I am so sorry for that. I didn’t mean to, it just happened. Shit happens. But it’s your decision whether or not you want to do anything about it.” You spoke through your teeth, wiping your nose with the sleeve of your flannel. When you still didn’t get a response, you scoffed to make one last jab at him.

You were hurt, taking his silence as your answer. You nodded your head wordlessly, snatching your bag off the couch and turning around to leave. In your departure, the flames from the fireplace roared, spitting out flames like it knew the pain you felt.

“Guess that’s it then.” You grimaced, walking towards the door.

Angel waited a few moments until he turned around, about to speak. He sighed when he saw an empty room staring back at him, mocking.

You were already gone.

ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*: .: ⋆*･ﾟ: ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆

“Wait, you told him you loved him and he didn’t say it back?” Willow asked in astonishment, and you could just imagine her expression. Sitting on the edge of the bed just like you, a toothbrush in her mouth with her blue pajamas. Her nightly ritual before she went to bed.

You clenched the phone in your hand, looking down at your lap as you remembered. Your jaw hurt from yelling, your eyes hurt from crying, and you still couldn’t control your sniffling. It may have happened a fews hours prior, but it still felt like you were there, standing in front of the emotionless man you thought would love you, you thought you would be with forever.

Looks like you were wrong.

“Basically, yeah. I’m sorry, Willow, I don’t want to talk about it right now. It’s still just so... fresh, you know? And I just really feel like going to sleep to see if today was just a dream… I’ll tell you tomorrow. Me, you, the gang. Buffy’s house, right?” You forced a smile, but quickly went back to frowning. If you were being honest with yourself, you knew you didn’t feel up to hanging out with the gang tomorrow. You wanted to sit in bed and relish in your last day of isolation before your parents came back, a bowl of your favorite icecream as you had a romance movie marathon for the rest of the night. But you owed it to them, having spent the last few weekends with Angel, talking about his past, snuggling on the couch, and just enjoying each other’s company before you had to leave that morning. And who knows, maybe the get together with the gang would be the best thing for you. You really did miss them.

You heard Willow let out a sigh, feeling your sadness through the phone.

“Hey, if you’re not feeling up for it, we don’t have to. We can just do it next weekend!” Willow suggested, understanding how badly it can feel when you thought someone didn’t reciprocate your feelings. She always did have a thing for Xander, after all.

You let out a pathetic laugh, rubbing your nose with the tissue in your hand. You sniffled, shaking your head.

“Oh Willow, I can’t do that. I’ve missed out on so many nights as it is... Trust me, I’ll be all bright and bushy-tailed in the morning. Promise.” You smiled, hoping you could believe your own lies.

“Okay. Are you sure you’re gonna be okay by yourself tonight? I can come over, cheer you up with some sugary goodies!” Willow exclaimed, concerned for your well-being. She knew you were feeling fragile right now, and maybe a friend is what you really needed.

“Willow!” You giggled, admitting that this conversation has made you feel a little better. And had your voice always been that scratchy?

“Alright, fine. Remember, there’s plenty of guys who want to go out with you! Like, um, you know, Lucas. Or-or Thomas. Angel’s an ass.” Willow stated, making you let out a genuine laugh. You loved Willow’s loyalty, and the fact she was already trying to hook you up with someone else.

“Thanks, Willow, but I haven’t even stopped crying much less thought about moving on. I’m going to go to sleep now, okay? I love you.” You brought the tissue up to your nose, tears glazing over your eyes. You hated the fact that you couldn’t stop crying.

Willow nodded her head, slumped over.

“Love you, too. Be careful and dream good things. Like puppies.” Willow barely smiled, hearing your goodbye on the other end before hanging up the phone.

You did the same, sniffling some more. The house felt deafening, big and empty. There hasn’t been noise for the last week, ever since your parents went to LA for some convention. They were both doctors, which meant they were away a lot. You were always scared of being home alone, the knowledge of what ghastly things that could break in had you make Angel stay the night with you so you felt safe. But not tonight. Angel wasn’t going to protect from the silence, much less anything ever again.

You got off your bed to put your phone back in its socket, the sound of your own footsteps obvious in the quietness of the house. You wanted to cry, cry and cry and cry until you couldn’t possibly cry anymore. You wanted to scream and throw things in some way to relieve the pressure on your chest. But at the same time you were just exhausted, void of anything. Is this what it felt like to break up with someone? You didn’t know. Angel was the first boyfriend you ever had, and you thought he would be the last. But maybe, just maybe, Angel was right. Maybe monster’s couldn’t love.

You shuffled over to your nightstand, lighting up the candles there. They smelt like cherry blossom and rosewood, two sweet scents that gave life to your now dull senses. But as you lit the last candle, you felt that familiar gust of wind on your back, gently blowing your hair against your neck.

You heard the cars in the street below, the ruffling of the trees, and the buzzing of the wildlife outside your window. Your hand paused above the candles, hovering over the flame so that you could feel the heat on your palms.

“Can we talk?” His voice was also so quiet, so calm. It would have spooked you, the suddenness of it all, but you had gotten used to Angel showing up so unexpectedly.

You swallowed, closing your eyes so you didn’t cry. He didn’t deserve that satisfaction.

“I’ve already said what I wanted to say. You can leave.” You mumbled, ignoring him as you stayed turned around, trying to distract yourself with ruffling your pillows.

You didn’t hear him come closer, but you felt it.

“Please.” He sounded so pathetic, like you were the one who broke his heart. How dare he sound like you were the one to blame for the current situation. Even if he was trying to act like he gave a damn about your feelings, he was still acting like the gentlemen you knew him to be. With his please, his thank you’s, and his your welcome’s.

You felt uncomfortable; you really didn’t feel like having an even more heartbreaking discussion and having to act like it didn’t affect you. You didn’t have the strength not to cry.

Despite your bitterness, you couldn’t help but turn around at the sound of his voice, so sad. You had to breathe when you looked at him, the heavy atmosphere in your room making it seem stuffy. You had to breathe or else you’d choke on it. The candles flickered noisily behind you, and you could barely see Angel's face if it wasn’t for the moonlight.

He had on that same white tank top from earlier, his leather coat slung over it. He stood by the end of your bed instead of by the window, his fingers nervously fidgeting together. When you finally looked at his face, you didn’t have the strength to look him in the eye. Going by his features alone he looked broken. And you knew if you looked him in his maple-colored eyes you would see his sadness, and a million other sad things swirling in its depths. To be truthful, you knew if you looked into his eyes you wouldn’t have the strength to look away, and you would end up feeling that familiar flutter in your stomach only love could give someone. You knew you wouldn’t have the strength to say you hate him. Because in all reality you didn’t. You still loved him, and you always will.

You were a stubborn person though, known to hold grudges. So you crossed your arms and cocked out a hip, supporting your weight on one foot.

You cleared your throat, trying to give him the meanest look you could.

“Fine. Let’s start with why you’re here. Interrupting my alone time.” You gave him a sarcastic smile, not wanting him to think you were as affected by earlier as you actually were. You had suddenly gotten loud, the whispers voiced before forgotten. In your opinion, whispering would make it too intimate. And with your nerves, you just wanted to cover up the wobbliness in your voice.

Angel didn’t stop looking at you, perfectly statuesque.

“Like I said, we need to talk. And besides, I wanted to make sure you were okay. I know you don’t like being alone.” He still murmured, but that was usually how loud his voice got. One of the reasons you loved him. He was always your peace when you caused storms, the beast to your beauty and the cold to your hot. That was one thing Buffy always said. You two were just harmonious. You clicked.

You swallowed, but your throat was dry.

You felt a pull in your chest when he sounded like he cared, remembering your fear of your empty house. He wanted to make sure you were okay? You forced yourself not to focus on that.

“Well, I’m a big girl, Angel. I can handle myself against the big bad house.” You snipped, throwing your hands up impatiently. Truth was you wanted him to stay, stay and say he loved you. Stay and protect you like he’d been doing ever since you met him. But that inconsolable part of you wanted him to leave so he didn’t see you cry into your pillow.

He sighed.

“Listen, I think we both said things we shouldn’t have. I didn’t mean to get... physical with you. I never wanted you to see that part of me.” Angel looked down at the ground, ashamed. You just shook your head at the statement.

“What do you mean that part of you? Angel, you are aware that I knew you were a vampire, right? I looked past that because it doesn't define who you are.” You gave yourself the opportunity to drop the facade, but regretted it as soon as he looked up at you with those sad brown eyes.

You continued when all he did was look at you.

You took a step forward, everything you wanted to say earlier suddenly being poured out when you were supposed to be hating him. But now here you were about to expose your soul even more than you did before. See? You couldn’t be mean to Angel even if you tried.

“Angel, do you really think you being a vampire had anything to do with us? I knew you were a vampire long before I even met you. I didn’t care then and certainly didn’t care when we started dating. I didn’t fall in love with you because I wanted some fling with a guy who occasionally drunk blood so I can go around school and brag about how cool I am. I fell in love with you because... “ You couldn’t finish, getting distracted by the way he was looking at you. He looked at you like he’s always known you, like you were the only he would die for. He looked so intense, and your breathing had gotten a little heavier. You willed yourself to look into his eyes, stepping up to him.

“Because what?” Angel murmured, his breath fanning over your lips. You stood just below his chin, looking up at him with an undying devotion his eyes reflected.

You continued, your voice just as soft as his.

“I fell in love with you because you were always there when I didn’t even ask you to be, waiting to see who you’d had to kill whenever you’d see me cry. You’d always be the one asking if I’m okay, and you’d always make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. I fell in love with the way you’d hold me when you’d sleep and make me feel safe. I love how you were always so supportive, honest, and caring. You always made me feel special. I fell in love with the man... “ You tentatively reached up and touched his face with your palms, slowly rubbing your thumb on his cheek as a fond smile cracked through your frown.

“...not the monster.” You whispered, glancing down at his lips when he leaned closer and his fingers hesitantly traced along your hips. The space around you seemed electric, and your body buzzed to be touched by him. You leaned towards him pathetically, forgetting about how you were supposed to be crying your night away at the thought of what you and Angel could’ve been.

Angel kept glancing between your eyes and lips, more confident as his hands gripped your hips and he pressed his forehead against yours.

You closed your eyes and swallowed, struggling to catch a breath in the heat you were feeling. You both knew what you wanted, but you needed to hear him say it.

“(y/n)...” You hummed, rubbing the back of his neck.

“I love you, too. I love you more than life itself. I’m sorry I didn’t say it before I just didn’t know how.” Angel had his eyes closed, whispering his confession that had your heart swelling and smile growing. You felt something wet on your lips, a tear you didn’t realize had fallen. At this moment, nothing in this world mattered except you and Angel. Your love, your one and only. You were excited, excited for the future you were going to share with Angel. But you could barely focus on anything right now.

All you could focus on was how close Angel’s lips were to yours, how his hands gripped your hips like he couldn’t believe you were real, standing in front of him in your pink pajamas and fuzzy socks, the most beautiful he’d ever seen you. All that registered in your mind was how hot you were, the dim-lighting of your room and the crackling of the candles behind you, the smell of cherry blossom and rosewood getting you more worked up than you were.

Everything about this moment was perfect. The darkness, the moonlight, the candles.

But above all, the romance between two passionate lovers added to the ambiance.

You really couldn’t believe that Angel loved you.

“Angel.” You murmured, your nose bumping his.

“What?” He responded, his fingers digging into your skin.

“Kiss me already.” You breathed, already reaching up towards his lips.

It was with your permission did he finally do it, his arms quickly going around your waist and pushing you into his chest, kissing you with an intensity that made your heart swell. It was full of passion, and said the feelings the both of you were feeling but couldn’t put into words.

Your hands were in his hair, on his arms, anything you could grab as he bent down and picked you up. You jumped, seperating from him to wrap your legs around his waist, boosting you up to his height.

You couldn’t keep up with your own breaths, knowing your lips must’ve been puffy and pink just as his were. There was a moment where you both paused, equally as emotional and aroused as the other. You stared into each other's eyes, knowing what was about to happen but unsure how to go about it. You had never felt so vulnerable with another person and more loved than you did in that moment. Every word said earlier that day and every tear fallen was forgotten now, because all you could feel was happiness and love and every other emotion swelling in your chest.

“I love you.” It felt unfamiliar on your tongue to say, but that was the only thing you could say. You gripped his face and kissed him once again. He only took one step forward as you started shoving his jacket off his shoulders, his hands gripping your thighs as you landed on the bed, one of his hands going up towards your shoulder to support his weight on top of you. He fell between your thighs, his mouth going down towards your neck as he took his jacket off the rest of the way, throwing it to the floor behind him blindly. You let out a moan, opening your neck as your hands pulled at his hair.

You felt like crying, but not for the reasons you did earlier. You felt so loved, so cared for, so safe. Angel was the only one who made you feel like that, the only one that made you mad enough to care, the only one that could get you so emotional. You bit your lip when he nipped at your jaw, a smile breaking onto your face as your back arched into him.

In all the haze you were feeling, you didn’t acknowledge his hands languidly unbuttoning your pajama top. All you could feel was the coldness of his body and the coldness of his fingertips, but also the hotness of his mouth on your base of your neck.

You were letting out all kinds of desperate noises you never imagined you could make, leaning up and taking off your top Angel had unbuttoned. While you did that, your lustful gaze couldn’t leave Angel when he picked himself up on his hind legs and took off his tank top, just throwing to the side like he did with his jacket.

He stopped there, the candles illuminating both your faces in a flickering orange glow. He stared at you, at your white bra your heaving breasts were about to spill out of, the way you leaned back with heavy eyelids looking at him like you wanted to be devoured. He thought you looked so angelic, your hair laid out on the bed like a halo, but you were biting your lip and looking at him like you were nothing but sinful.

He felt the same way you did, pure love and devotion to you. It was then he realized, with you lying down beneath him and his fingers itching to touch you, that he would do anything for you. If you told him to leave, told him you never loved him in the first place, he would never feel the same. He loved you in a way that seemed to take control of his life. All he could think about was you, all he could see was you, and now all he wanted to do was feel you. Make you feel as good as you made him.

You grabbed the gold chain around his neck, pulling him down to your lips. As you moaned into his mouth, his hands were reaching up to grab at your breasts from above the material of your bra. You reached down and yanked your shorts off, but as quick a pace as it felt like, you were both going at a sweet pace, nothing but your breathy gasps and small moans filling the silence. He didn’t want to rush this. He wanted to touch you, feel you, be the only one to make you feel like this for the rest of your lives.

A few moments later, of confident strokes on your soft skin and you grabbing at everything you can, you both ended up fully exposed to the other, your clothes thrown all about the room as the soft fabric of the duvet helped you relax against the bed.

You grabbed at his shoulders as he thrust into you slowly, making sure you felt him inside you. Surely enough it made something pull in your stomach as you threw your head back against the mattress, your mouth wide open as you breathed a moan into Angel’s ear.

He had his head buried into your neck, letting out a few groans of his own when you would clench around him. Your nails dug into the griffin tattoo on his shoulder, beads of blood poking through but immediately being healed as quickly as they came.

You couldn’t stop from moaning directly into his ear, one of your hands holding the back of his head into your neck as he thrust into you some more. You felt so full and good, feeling every time he would slide out and back in because it would send another pleasurable pulse up into your core.

Your heart was beating wildly in your chest, Angel could feel it against his own from the way he held you to him so tightly. You felt another tear fall from your eyes as he continued on, making you feel things you knew no one else could ever make you feel. You felt like sobbing he felt so good, but that was not only from the tightness in your stomach and the hot pleasure in your core, but also because you loved this man with your whole being, and just thinking about the intimacy the two of you were sharing made you emotional.

Angel was holding you so tightly and driving into you so passionately it wasn’t long before you had reached your peak, crying his name out into your room as he growled in your ear, finishing the same time as you in one more thrust that you curling your toes and grabbing the blanket between your fingers.

When you were both done, he held you underneath the covers, you curled against his chest and sleeping soundly, a tingling still in between your legs.

He told you he loved you one last time before he went to sleep himself, a tender kiss on your forehead the last thing he did before closing his eyes.

ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*: .: ⋆*･ﾟ: ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆

Angel snapped his eyes open at the crack of thunder, a pain in his chest that had him gasping for air as he collapsed out of the bed, the heavy pounding of rain blocking out his cries as he crawled to the window.

You were still blissfully asleep, an absent smile on your face as you clutched the blanket up to your chin on the other side of the bed, the rain lulling you into a deeper sleep.

Angel looked up at the sky as he gripped at his chest, groaning in pain on your bedroom floor as the moonlight shone down onto his nude form, curled into himself at the agony. As his soul died inside of him, all he could think about was you. His love, his salvation, his true happiness.

You see, you loved Angel with all your heart, you would do anything for him, die for him, love him in a way he’d never been loved before. Angel was your calm in the storm, the only sane thing in your crazy, crazy world, you would be aimless if you didn’t have him by your side. You planned on waking up snuggled into the love of your life, a smile on your face and a new glow to your skin.

But Angel was no longer the man you loved. He had become the monster because you were his weakness, the only thing in this cruel world he truly cared about. It was because he loved you that he could no longer.

It was because you were his true happiness, did his curse get revoked, because the man you loved had turned into the monster he always was.

Angelus.

[my-personal-multiverse]

I saw your anti-Bangel I Will Remember You post, and if I remember correctly, didn’t Angel ask the powers to swallow the day because the Powers That Be told his Buffy was going to die? And him turning back time would either allow him to help her in the battle to come, or prevent her death entirely? Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but isn’t it about Angel being selfless and giving up the one thing he’s always wanted to keep Buffy safe and alive? Love you blog btw

I think that before that point he's already fucked up by even going to them to talk about all this without having talked to her first. That's the whole problem, he thinks it's up to him to protect her like a little child as though she doesn't deserve a say in the matter. All this concerns her. Even if they hadn't swallowed the day and just turned him back he still should have talked to her. Because he's making decisions that will severely impact their relationship and as such her life because he thinks he needs to protect her (which she has said he doesn't) without consulting her. Or even telling her. Like "hey Buffy I'm going to ask them to turn me back" "but angel then we can't be together why???" *insert bangel drama*. End in the end Buffy would have ended up agreeing with him if he had been like "I need to do this to protect the people" because she understands that. ( on top of all this there's the fact that angel simultaneously is like "can't be with Buffy as a human because I need to be a strong vampire to protect her and would only get in the way" and also "can't be with Buffy as a vampire because she needs a normal human guy and life" like should Buffy just stay single forever.) 

I think one of the reasons I am so incredibly mad at angel in this episode and this episode as a whole is that it starts with this conversation:

(I took the dialog from the transcripts wiki because I didn't want to have to rewatch the entire thing myself.) 

Angel: "Well, umm, it's good to.. Can I get you anything?" 

Buffy: "How about - an explanation? - Who do you think you are coming to my town and following me around behind my back?" 

Angel: "I'm sorry." 

Buffy: "What is this? (...)" 

... 

"(...) What are we playing here?" 

Angel: "We're not. I'm not playing anything. I wrestled with this decision.." 

Buffy: "Which you made without me." 

(this line is so important to me. They start the episode with this and then instead of really exploring this and maybe dealing with the persistent problem in Buffy and angels relationship where he doesn't allow her to make these choices or communicate with her they just ignore this and let him continue to do the same bullshit she calls him out for and then try to make it romantic. Wtf) 

Angel: "I tried to do what I thought was right. It's complicated how this all happened, Buffy, you know? (...)" 

... 

Buffy: "You didn't feel that I was important enough to even tell me that you were there." 

Angel looks at her: "I'm trying to explain. It's because I felt that you're important that I didn't tell you."  (what are you on about angel?? "I don't tell you things because I care. I go behind your back because I care." what kinda Kindergarten "he's mean because he likes you" bullshit is this) 

Buffy: "I'm a big girl now, Angel. I'm not in High School anymore. A lot has happened in my life since you left." 

Angel: "I know. I respect that." ( maybe show that by not doing the same thing again angel) 

Buffy: "And I don't need you skulking around, trying to protect me. (...)" 

I really don't know how much clearer she could be. Don't make choices behind my back trying to protect me. She literally traveled to LA to tell him this. That's how much it bothered her. 

Also the fact that he leaves while she's sleeping without telling her. Like yes he is human now and the curse isn't in effect but that doesn't change the fact that she has trauma about sleeping with guys and them not being there in the morning. He might not know about Parker but he knows what happened the last time they slept together and he can't be that oblivious to how that affected her and how him just leaving in the night without waking her or even leaving a fucking note is just fucked. It's fucked. And if he really doesn't understand this he doesn't understand her and lacks basic fucking empathy.

Buffy: "Where is Angel?" 

(some back and forth) 

Cordy with a sigh: "He told me not to tell you." 

What the fuck angel?? Not just not telling her but explicitly telling others to not give her information and keep her out of the loop.???. That isn't some oversight oops I forgot that is an active choice to keep her in the dark about things and not allow her any agency to make choices. 

(side note: I generally love cordy but "(...) And anyway, it's your fault that he went to fight that thing by himself without..". Yeah no. Don't go blaming Buffy for angels choices. She's not responsible for any of this. She didn't make this choice. Angel made sure of that.) 

And about the oracles 

Angel: "The Mohra demon said the end of days had begun. That others were coming, soldiers of darkness. I need to know if he was telling the truth."

Man: "As far as such things can be told." 

(super vague and literally my point. "as far as such things can be told" nothing is written in stone. Prophecy gets misinterpreted. It is not fact.) 

Angel: "What happens to the Slayer when these soldiers come?"

Woman: "What happens to all mortal beings. Albeit sooner in her case."

Angel: "She'll die? - Then I'm here to beg for her life." 

(she was prophecied to die and survived it before. Like you can't take any of this at face value. And she gets brought back the next time too and him being or not being a vampire has nothing to do with it) 

The Oracles turn and walk away: "It is not our place to grant life or death."

Angel: "And I ask you to take mine back. (The oracles stop walking and turn back to him) Look I can't protect her or anyone this way, not as a man."

Woman: "You're asking to be what you were, a demon with a soul, because of the Slayer?"

(they don't say shit about him needing to be a vampire to save her life or him being able to better protect her or him being able to avoid her death if he isn't human. He makes that assumption. And they are just mildly intrigued by the whole situation but they are not saying he's right) 

Man turns to leave again: "Oh, this is a matter of love. It does not concern us."

Angel: "Yes, it does. The Mohra demon came to take a warrior from your cause - and it succeeded. I'm no good to you like this. I know you have it in your power to make this right. Please." 

(they consider doing it after he let's them know that he will also be no good to the powers that way. But this is unrelated to Buffy and this is the thing that then makes them think of a way to do it. Because they realize him being a vampire is good for them. Not Buffy. Yes Buffy is his motivation but they just vaguely talk around it and never confirm to him that as a vampire he can save her life. He just wants to believe that because it fits into his martyr complex. And again. He can't actually save her as a vampire. ) 

So basically I hate angel in this episode and I hate that the episode frames all of his bullshit as romantic. 

But thank you for the question anon. Ranting about angel is very cathartic for me.