#also anyone remember poultry man?

[moths-and-mantids]

FUCKING PEDKY BIRDDDDDDD

Pesky bird ✨✨✨

[vixstarria]

Another gift

This is a continuation of my headcanon of Astarion’s romance with bard Tav. I can’t remember the actual chronology of cutscenes, but let’s assume this takes place after you’ve started a sexual relationship with Astarion and are beginning to grow closer. I was going to take it in a different direction initially, but these things have a mind of their own once they get going. 

If you like it, check out my first fic. I do plan on writing more! 

P.S. I may have taken some liberties with the game background story and DnD lore and magic system here – if it doesn’t really match up or make sense – sorry! Also I’m still only on Act 2. 

Tav tries to comfort or distract a brooding Astarion. 

Astarion x Reader, Astarion x Tav, Astarion x Bard Tav  

Comfort, fluff, budding love, humour, angst, banter, no spoilers, non-explicit 

Approximately 2,000 words. 

 

Astarion was standing outside his tent with his back to the camp, staring into a silver mirror. The man had either lost his vampiric condition, lost his mind, or was simply brooding.  

“Looking at something?” he asked absent-mindedly, as you approached. 

Brooding. Definitely brooding.  

“Looking for something.” 

“Oh?” He turned towards you. “Just my company, or is there something else I can offer you?” 

“I'm the one making an offering, actually. I thought I’d bring you a little snack” 

Astarion grinned and beckoned you inside his tent.  

Inside, aside from his bedroll, was a trunk with a large mirror opposite, a lit lantern and a scattering of weapons, equipment and books. You assumed your usual position, cross-legged on the bedroll, and offered him your wrist. This didn’t take long. Just a little pick me up.  

He finished, planting a light kiss on your wrist, reached for his amulet and whispered an incantation to heal the wound. He kept hold of your hand, lacing his fingers through yours.  

“Do you have any idea how much I appreciate that you don’t sexualise this?”  

“I haven’t thought about it... Really?” 

“Well imagine that any time you went to, say, take a bite of a turkey leg, there was someone staring, groping themselves and wagging their tongue at you. When you’re just trying to perform basic functions to stay alive.” 

“Sweetheart, that’s an average evening at the pub for me, when I perform. With or without me biting on anything. ...But I see what you mean”. You contemplated what he just said in a brief silence. “I can't believe you just compared me to a turkey leg.” 

“You’re more of a ripe, juicy peach” he said. You found yourself oddly pleased to be compared to fruit rather than poultry. 

You glanced at the large mirror standing on the floor of the tent.  

“You own an awful lot of mirrors for a vampire. Why do you even keep this here?” 

“That? Oh, it reflects light... makes the tent appear more spacious... prevents anyone from sneaking up on me. ...Unless they’re another vampire.” Astarion said contemplatively. “And I figured, I woke up once with a tadpole in my brain that let me walk in the sun again – who's to say I won’t catch another parasite tomorrow that might cure my vampirism entirely?” 

“Do you miss it? Seeing your own face?” 

“Preening in the looking glass? Petty vanity? Of course I miss it. I’ve never even seen this face. Not since it grew fangs and my eyes turned red. My face is just some dark shape in my past. Another thing I’ve lost. I wouldn’t even recognise myself anymore. It’s been two hundred years.” 

“But...” you fumbled, trying to wrap your mind around that. “You could have found a street artist to sketch you since then.” 

“In the middle of the night?” 

“Or commissioned a portraitist, those artistic types would accommodate you any time of day or night” 

“Commissioned a - …I’m sorry, at what point did I give you the impression that Cazador paid us an allowance..?” Astarion was growing agitated. “And before you say I could have stolen – remember, everything I had, anything I acquired by any means, the clothes on my back, my body, my will – it all belonged to the master.” He paused, regaining control of his demeanour. “There was no point in having any possessions, it would all be the bastard’s in the end. I didn’t want to give him any more than I absolutely had to.” 

You kicked yourself in the ass mentally.  

“Well how’s this... We get to Baldur’s Gale. We exterminate Cazador and take over his palace. Then we rip out whatever he’s got as décor, commission all the best artists, and hang paintings of you on every wall. There will be nothing but portraits of Astarion everywhere.” Astarion’s eyes softened as he watched you gesticulating and getting carried away by your own imagination. “Astarion in shining armour. Astarion on a horse. Astarion on silk bedsheets, half-covered in rose petals. Pirate Astarion. Astarion stroking a cat. Historic events, but every single person depicted is Astarion. Oh! And in the main banquet hall, there will be an enormous mural of you, fully naked, lounging on a divan and being fed grapes by a cadre of nymphs.” 

“With a fig leaf covering my unmentionables?” 

“A comically large fig leaf. Or better yet, no fig leaf, just your full unmentionable glory looming over the dining table” You paused, as if sobering up after being lost in your grand vision, and added in a more serious tone: “We can commission busts and statues, too. Get a mold of your face for a hyper-realistic one.” 

“We” he whispered, as if to himself, with a scornful chuckle.  

“Oh? Do you have someone else in Baldur’s Gate you’d rather spend time with?” You realised how callous that might have come across as soon as the words were out, and cringed inwardly. 

“...No, I don’t” he said absently. 

“Elves live long lives... Do you still have real family there? Friends from... before? ...A spouse? Children?” You'd wondered about this before, and figured you may as well lie in the hole you’d dug for yourself.  

“Gods, no!” Astarion blinked in surprise. “I wasn’t even considered a full adult by elven society then. No, mercifully I didn’t leave any little Astarions behind. All my friends from my youth are either dead or have blissfully forgotten me. And I don’t even know where my family is.” 

You gave him a sympathetic and questioning look, waiting for him to go on. He sighed and continued. 

“As you might expect, Cazador placed a restriction on me, preventing me from telling anyone about my affliction. I couldn’t approach my old acquaintances and go ‘Surprise! I’m actually alive! ...Sort of. I’m just someone’s vampire spawn slave now!’. No. I was to turn around and walk the other way if I ever came upon anyone who might recognise me. I was supposed to be devoted only to my new ‘family’.” he scowled. “I feared that Cazador would use anyone he thought might be important to me against me - for fun, or to teach me a ‘lesson’. And he would have, too: the mental torture he unleashed on his spawn was far worse than physical.” He paused and took a deep breath. “I couldn’t go and see my family, but as soon as I had my wits about me, I managed to arrange for one of the mercenary guilds to quickly escort my relatives out of the city. They were to be told that I made some powerful enemies who had me murdered, and that these enemies would come for them next. That they had to leave, change their names, and never return. I don’t know where they went. I can’t know, if I want them to be safe.” He looked away. “I can’t imagine how much they hated and cursed me. I ruined their lives.” he whispered. 

“You saved them!” you objected, taking his hand. He shrugged but squeezed your hand back. 

“I suppose I might have. Cazador would’ve left their heads on spikes in my crypt by now, otherwise.” He met your eyes again. “So yes, if anyone is going to be helping me decorate a palace, it’s you.” he added with a false cheer, clearly finished with the topic of Cazador.  

You thought he might want to be alone then and were about to leave, but he gently pulled you towards himself. He was sitting on the ground with his back against a trunk. You settled between his legs, your back against his chest, his lips right at your ear, one arm across your shoulders and chest, the other playing with your hair. The large mirror was on the ground right in front of you. He studied your reflection over your shoulder. You appeared to be lounging suspended at an odd angle.  

“How does it even work, anyway... It’s not just your body that disappears, it’s your clothing, too”. You grabbed a hat from the top of the trunk, holding it by its crown, and held it over Astarion’s head, moving it in circles against his hair. “Now you see it...” You let go and watched it disappear in the reflection. “Now you don’t.” 

“I’m actually not sure, darling. Maybe it needs to be supported solely by me. Or it’s got to do with movement” He threw the hat back onto the trunk, where it reappeared in the reflection. 

“Say...” threw your head back to look up into his eyes “Do you think my reflection would disappear... if a part of you was inside?” you bit your lip and grinned mischievously.  

“I don’t think so, but I love how that dirty mind of yours works” he purred in your ear. “Let’s check and find out” His hand slid towards the clasp of your pants, but you swatted it away. 

“Later.” Suddenly you were on a mission. “I have an idea.” 

The rest of your group were gathered around the fire as you made a dash for your tent and grabbed your kit of stage paints and powders.

“Chk, are you doing each other’s makeup in there?” came a scoff from Lae’zel, as you rushed past. 

“Don’t be jealous, Lae. We’ll have a girls night and braid each other’s hair tomorrow” you retorted, making Shadowheart choke on her drink.  

Back in Astarion’s tent, you reached for one of your loose facial powders. 

“You really don’t need to do anything, I’m used to it and nothing will work anyway” protested a confused and weary Astarion. 

“Astarion!” you said gravely, “This isn’t for you. This is for science”, and you blew the powder hard into his face. Sure enough, an outline of his features appeared briefly in the mirror, as the powder flew all around him. “It worked!” 

“Fan-tastic! Too bad you had to blind me to achieve that split second of a silhouette!” he coughed and rubbed at his eyes. 

“It should work with water, too, if you want me to pour some over your head. You need to wash all that powder off anyway, you look ridiculous.”  

He glared at you through the still flying powder particles and pointed a finger at your face.  

“No.” 

“Actually, hang on, I have a better idea.” You heard him groan into his hands behind you, as you ran back to your tent, to return with an amulet.  

“So, the good news is, I am really, really bad at this.” 

“If this involves setting me on fire again...” 

“That was an accident. Anyway... No, this lets me create a fog cloud. Or so it should. I can just barely manage some fog tendrils. Now if I just aim them at your face...” You concentrated on the spell. Whisps of fog appeared around Astarion. “Look...” As the fog tendrils twisted in the air, you could just make out a form that they floated around, in the reflection, one unmistakably of a face.  

“Well...” breathed Astarion, transfixed by the reflection, trying to make motions with his head to make the fog recoil. “It’s not much, but it’s more than I’ve seen in centuries” 

“Come on” you grasped his hand. “Let’s go outside, it needs a different light and a slight breeze” 

Astarion snatched his handheld mirror and followed you. He was actually eager.  

Outside, Astarion spun in the whispy fog, gazing at the mirror in disbelief, as you continued to concentrate on the spell. It was actually working. Your conjuration magic was just bad enough to make the thinnest layer of fog, framing his face like a delicate mask and reflecting in the mirror. What would have been considered incredibly precise work by a wizard, was made possible entirely thanks to you borderline failing.  

“That’s better... I’ll channel the fog right, you turn left against it. No, your other left! No, don’t go into the fire, you idiot, it won’t be my fault this time” 

You grabbed Astarion by the hand and tried to guide him away from fire and anything he could trip over – he was paying exactly zero mind to anything around him, as he semi-stumbled in circles, looking in the mirror. Scratch ran around you, barking, excited for a new game, and eventually tripped you both. 

“Another gift...” Astarion smiled at you, as Scratch did his utmost to lick his face.  

Meanwhile, the group watched the two of you from a distance, dumbfounded. Lae'zel broke the silence: 

“Your people have the strangest mating rituals.”  

“Should I... should I tell them I can probably just cast mirror image on him? I’ve only done it on myself, but it should follow the same principle” added Gale. 

“Maybe tomorrow” said Shadowheart. “Just let them enjoy this tonight.” 

~~~~~

Next in series

AO3

[rphelperblog]

Clockwork Angel Quote Rp Meme

“One must always be careful of books,and what is inside them, for words have the power to change us.”

“There's plenty of sense in nonsense sometimes, if you wish to look for it.” 

“It isn't against the law to be an idiot.” 

“Dear me. Such harsh truths so early in the morning cannot be good for the digestion.” 

“Let me give you a piece of advice. The handsome young fellow who's trying to rescue you from a hideous fate is never wrong. Not even if he says the sky is purple and made of hedgehogs.”

“Sometimes, when I have to do something I don't want to do, I pretend I'm a character from a book. It's easier to know what they would do.” 

“Are you implying that shreds of my reputation remain intact?" 

“It is as great a thing to love as it is to be loved. Love is not something that can be wasted.” 

cleverness that comes too late is hardly cleverness at all?” 

“I see you're determined to miss my point."

"I believe we are dust and shadows. What else is there?” 

"If you're point is that there was a pretty girl in the room and it was distracting you, then I think I've taken your point handily."”

How rude. Many who have gazed upon me have compared the experience to gazing at the radiance of the sun."

“It is not the same thing to be good and to be kind.”

“Whoever loves you now—and you must also love yourself—will love the truth of you.”  

“For that was love, wasnt it--to burn bright in someone else's eyes?” 

“You could know a man not by what his friends said about him, but by how he treated his servants.” 

“Do you normally turn up in gentlemen's bedrooms in the middle of the night? If I'd known that, I would have campaigned harder to make sure they let you stay.”

“Remember when you tried to convince me to feed a poultry pie to the mallards in the park to see if you could breed a race of cannibal ducks?"

“It's all right to love someone who doesn't love you back, as long as they're worth you loving them. As long as they deserve it.” 

“Only the very weak-minded refuse to be influenced by literature and poetry.” 

"What kind of monster could possibly hate chocolate?” 

“Beauty fades, but cooking is eternal.” 

“There is more to living than not dying.” 

“Whatever you are physically...male or female, strong or weak, ill or healthy--all those things matter less than what your heart contains. If you have the soul of a warrior, you are a warrior. All those other things, they are the glass that contains the lamp, but you are the light inside.” 

“Black hair and blue eyes are my favorite combination.”

“Do reasons matter when there's nothing that can be done to change things.” 

“Dreams can be dangerous things.” 

"Is it dreadful, being so evil? Are you worried you'll go to hell?"

“I know you feel inhuman, and as if you are set apart, away from life and love, but... I promise you, the right man won't care.” 

“You've always been what you are. That's not new. What you'll get used to is knowing it.” 

"Perhaps we do need a chaperon.”

“If no one in the entire world cared about you, did you really exist at all?” 

“Oh, I can never get enough. Which, incidentally, is what your sister said when--” 

“With God on your side, what does luck matter?” 

“Magic is dangerous - but love is more dangerous still” 

“Inanimate objects are harmless indeed. But one cannot always say the same of the men who use them.” 

“I had such plans for this evening. The pursuit of blind drunkenness and wayward women was my goal. But alas, it was not to be. No sooner had I consumed my third drink in the Devil than I was accosted by a delightful small flower selling child who asked me for two pence for a daisy. The price seemed steep, so I refused. When I told the girl as much, she proceeded to rob me.”

“You can keep it a secret.... But secrets have their own weight, and it can be a very heavy one.” 

"Of course they are.... Look at him. The face of a bad angel and eyes like the night sky in Hell.” 

“I've never seen anyone get so excited over books before. You'd think they were diamonds.”

"Dear me, massive blood loss. Death could be imminent.” 

"You read novels. Obviously, I'm here to rescue you. Don't I look like Sir Galahad? ... My strength is as the strength of ten, Because my heart is pure - "

“Maybe I want a black eye. Did you think of that?” 

“I do not believe you can threaten people into goodness.”

“And I think that you do not understand that sometimes the only choice is between acceptance and madness.” 

"She doesn't smell like anything.”

“Do you often sleep tied to the bed?” 

“Unless there was a reason for me to stay.”

“It’s also rude to go about grabbing at ladies you haven’t been introduced to,hasn’t anyone told you that?”

“It wasn't enough, not nearly enough, but it was all there was.” 

“There was something peculiarly gratifying about shouting in a blind rage until your words ran out.” 

Concerned about my safety, are you?”

“I have lost everything. Lost everything.Everything.”

“It’s bad form to bite,”

“If love is great, then it is worth fighting for.” 

“I must say, I rather like the way you manage him.” 

“Goodness, my nose is enormous.Why didn't anyone tell me?” 

“Goodness, real goodness, has it's own sort of cruelty to it.” 

“I do not walk like a duck.” 

“There are more important things than being careful.” 

“I played it for my bride, and one day you will play for yours.”

“I’m boasting of my investigative skills, and I would prefer to do it without interruption. Where was I?” 

“Has no one respect for the classics these days?” 

“Bloodthirsty little beasts. Never trust a duck.” 

“Looking for an entirely reliable informant is like looking for a chaste mistress.” 

“I mean, is there a chance for me? To have another life after this, a better one?” 

“Where is your angel now?”

“It can be... difficult to to learn how the world truly is, to see it in its true shape and form... most human beings never do. Most could not bear it.” 

“Is there a particular reason you keep biting vampires?"

We must away at once to the nearest brothel. I seek scandal and low companionship.” 

“We shall throw him out onto the streets, I promise you he'll be gone by morning.Oh-no, you can't mean that-Of course I don't. But you felt better for a moment there, didn't you?” 

“I believe in good and evil, and I believe the soul is eternal. But I don't believe in the fiery pit, the pitchforks, or endless torment. I do not believe you can threaten people into goodness.” 

“Were you thinking about eating me?” 

“Not really, but after that I think about how I could kill him while he slept if I really wanted to, and then I feel better.” 

“the less you had, the more careful you had to be about everything you did have.” 

“The best lies are based on the truth, at least in part” 

“It would be wonderful if we all knew who we were. But that knowledge doesn't come from the outside, but from the inside.” “The virtue of angels is that they cannot deteriorate; their flaw is that they cannot improve. Man's flaw is that he can deteriorate; and his virtue is that he can improve.” 

[tizedhypno]

So if I'm being completely honest here, I don't know anything about Evo, or it's lore/watchers, listeners since I have never been a big Grian fan, and I started watching when 3rd life started! I just watched Impulse and Skizzleman, so it didn't take me long to find Hermitcraft and the Imp amd Skizz channel.

Although I don't know anything about 'other grians' lore, or even much about hermit groans lore, I find stuff like Skizz being a watcher interesting, even though I don't understand none of it.

But the way how I think of it since i don't understand it, is just that Evo grian (?, the one that was the admin of Evo, I'm not sure what to call him) and Hermit grian are different, since to me it makes alot sense.

Evo grian, was/is an admin of a server called Evolution Smp, (I believe) and was there with his friends who he invited there, also later on summoning Taurtis (my sibling told me about this and showed me one clip of Grians Evolution episode)

Hermit Grian, is just joking around, its pretty obvious, poultry man, the salmon head guy? (I don't remember the name) he even started wars on the server, now the rift (that we don't have any Evidence of it being related to Evo) , to me his lore his just about how I dont how to call it how brave he is? I mean dude, he started a war or a random server he's been on for what few months?

Dude he even sneaked to areas he wasn't suppose to, then using the time machine and taking all blame to him, saying I was completely his fault, and Ren and Impulse weren't to blame in the situation.

But everyone has their own opinions, and their own aus, this is just the way i think of it, since I easier for me to understand, so I don't want anyone thinking I don't like watcher or evo grian, I think he's just too much for me to understand, lol.

Also, I like the au/theory (?) Where everyone after the life series are temporarily watchers,(Martyn mentioned it on a stream and how like Bdubs was a watcher for like a week) even though I don't understand it. Lol.

[healthylunchesbiz]

Employ Custom Neon Symptoms To Provide Your current Business With Regular And Savvy Exposure

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[queensoybean0724]

Succession Chapter 21 (Karl Heisenberg/female reader) Resident Evil Village fanfic

Title: Succession Chapter 21

Characters: Karl Heisenberg, female reader

Rating: NC-17 for sex and language (P in V, unprotected sex *wrap it up, kids*, and creampie)

Summary: you discover a long lost relative has died and made you his sole beneficiary.  While flying to collect your inheritance, you crash in a village in Romania.

Author’s Note: I do not own the characters from Resident Evil Village.  This is a work of fiction.  Anything remotely similar to anyone living or dead is purely coincidental.

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Chapter 21

Once you locked the sliding doors and sounded the alarm, you rushed to Heisenberg’s living quarters to begin with the surprise.  You placed the poultry and meat into the refrigerator and put the bottle of Asbach Uralt on the table.  Two brandy snifters were on the upper shelf of the cabinet.  You grabbed those and placed them on either side of the bottle of liquor.  You removed  the toiletries and other things you had in the sack and put them with the rest of your belongings.  The remainder of supplies Heisenberg had on his list stayed in the sack and sat on the floor beside the table.  Heisenberg would know where he wanted them.

Rifling through your suitcases, you found the black dress you had packed for your trip to Moldova, the one you had planned to wear when signing the inheritance documents.  A momentary pang of disappointment rose in your heart.  The money you were poised to receive would have been much needed.  What would happen to the money if you didn’t claim it?  Mr. Dathermi said you were the sole heir.  The Moldovan government would surely swoop in and take it.  Perhaps you could talk with Heisenberg and the two of you could make the trip once he vanquished Mother Miranda.

You laid the dress on the bed, smoothing it out to remove the wrinkles.  You retrieved the black two-inch heels that you packed to go along with the dress.  Any other pair higher than two inches would’ve caused you to break your neck.  Heels weren’t your friend.

Grabbing two clean towels, you opened the shower door and ran the water until it came out hot.  You washed your hair, shaved, and washed with a floral scented body wash.  Hopefully after Heisenberg filled up on his favorite meal and favorite brandy, he would want to throw you on the bed and fuck your brains out.  Knowing that man and his insatiable sexual appetite, you were betting he would.

After stepping out of the shower, you picked up the piece of paper the Duke gave you with the ingredients and directions for Tochitura de Pui.  You read over everything as you dried off, remembering certain notes and tips the Duke said about the meal.  Your stomach did nervous flip flops.  You hoped that you would be able to make Heisenberg’s favorite dinner correctly.  It would be mortifying if it didn’t turn out well.

You pulled on your panties, dress, and shoes.  The dress was tight so a bra was not needed.  After styling your hair, applying your makeup, and putting on a few pieces of jewelry, you checked the time.  The clock read 4pm.  You didn’t know when Heisenberg would return, but the preparation would take a few hours.  

Jumping to your feet, you collected the pots and pans.  The Duke also gave you a small bag of rice and some asparagus to pair with the meat.  You placed both sides into small pots on the back burners of the stove.  While they slowly simmered, you cooked the chicken and meat in two pans.  You measured the rest of the ingredients and followed the directions of the recipe down to the letter.  Everything looked and smelled fantastic.  You could see why this was Heisenberg’s favorite meal.

A few hours later, Heisenberg lifted up the elevator door and marched across the steel walkway.  Once he opened the heavy metal door, the enticing aroma hit him.  His stomach began growling almost immediately.  Tochitura de Pui...a meal he hadn’t cooked for himself in several years.

His footsteps increased in speed as he turned the corner and began marching towards his room.  You heard him and an excited surge of nerves churned in your body.  Rushing to the table, you opened the bottle of brandy and poured the alcohol into the glasses.  He walked through the doorway as you turned with the snifters in your hands.

“Surprise!” you smiled.  

Heisenberg could not believe his eyes.  His favorite meal was marinating on the stove and the woman he loved was standing before him with two glasses of brandy and looking like a goddamn knockout.  He smiled as he removed his hat, sunglasses, and necklaces.  He placed them on the counter, slowly walking towards you.

“What is all of this, pussycat?” he asked as he took his favorite drink from your hand.

“I wanted to do something special for you,” you answered, “I asked the Duke what your favorite meal was and he gave me the recipe for Tochitura de Pui as well as a bottle of Asbach Uralt…”

He sipped from the glass and slowly closed his eyes, humming as the familiar liquor warmed his throat.  You lifted your glass to your lips and took a small sip.  The alcohol was strong, stronger than anything you’ve ever had.  You squeezed your eyes shut and shook your head.  You exhaled with a loud whoosh and Heisenberg laughed heartily.

“Fuck, that is strong as hell!” you exclaimed, putting the glass down on the table, “now, please, Karl, have a seat and I’ll bring you a plate!”

Heisenberg removed his trench coat and sat down, looking at the table.  The bottle of Asbach Uralt was placed between two sets of utensils and napkins.  A smile spread along his face as he turned to you, pulling his gloves from his hands.  

He gave the back of you a thorough once over.  Your black dress fit you like a glove and hugged every curve.  His tongue slid across his lips as images of you spread across the table flew through his mind. You turned and walked to the table, placing his dinner before him.  

“Thank you, doll face,” he said.

“You’re very welcome,” you smiled as you went back to get your plate, but not before Heisenberg gave your ass a swift spank.  You yelped and giggled.

The two of you sat at the table and began eating.  The recipe looked delicious on paper, but smelling and tasting it was like heaven.  “I have not eaten this in years and it tastes even better than I remember,” Heisenberg marveled.  You couldn’t help the giddy elation in your stomach as he devoured his meal before going back for seconds.

And you had to admit that the food was wonderful.  You still drank the brandy, but you switched to a glass of water once your snifter was empty.  It was very strong and you could already feel your head spinning.  But this was all for Heisenberg and you wanted to make sure he had his fill of food and alcohol.

As you talked about how the Duke helped you figure out the best way to surprise him, Heisenberg simply listened and looked you over.  Not since his own flesh and blood had anyone ever done anything nice for him, other than the Duke and occasionally Moreau.  And the fact that you dressed up and made his favorite dinner in order to surprise him...it made him fall deeper in love with you.  You were selfless, giving, and caring.  It baffled him how someone that started off as his captor and hated him with a passion would grow to love him and want to surprise him.  

“Thank you so much, Y/N,” Heisenberg said, taking your hand and bringing it to his lips, “the food was amazing…”

You blushed as he turned your hand and pressed a kiss to your open palm, your stomach fluttering.  “You’re welcome, Karl.  I wanted to do something special for you.  You’re always cooking for me…”  You placed both sets of utensils on the dirty dishes and took them to the sink.  Every bit of food had been polished off so you put the pots and pans in the sink as well, filling them with water.

Heisenberg stood from the chair and made his way over, coming to a stop behind you.  The sound of his footsteps and his looming presence behind you made your heart flutter.  He brought his hands to your hips and pressed his groin against your ass.

You moaned softly, your eyes closing.  He lowered his lips to the side of your neck, laying a deep kiss to your skin.  “Don’t worry about the dishes,” he murmured, “I’ll do them later...right now I want you...I want you so fucking badly…”

“Karl…” you moaned.  You rested your head back on his shoulder as his hand moved up the front of your body, taking hold of the front of your neck.  He kissed along your shoulder before moving his mouth to your ear, his tongue licking along your earlobe.  Another whimper escaped your lips as you felt wetness pooling between your legs.  You pushed your ass against the erection in his pants.

“I want to devour you,” he growled in your ear.  Releasing your neck, he pulled up your dress and pressed his hand against your panties over your pussy.  You moaned and squeezed your eyes shut as his other hand reached under the neckline of your dress and groped your breast.  His fingers pinched your nipple as he ground his hips against you, trapping you between his body and his massaging hand on your cunt.

“Karl...I want you to fuck me...oh my god...uh...uh fuck, Karl…” you pleaded.  His hot breath tickled your ear as he chuckled.  You wriggled and arched against him, pressing your palms to the countertop.

“This pretty pussy of yours is going to kill me, doll face,” he whispered, “you’re soaking your panties already...I need you to drench my cock…”

Unable to stop himself, he released your breast, pushed his other hand up your dress, and pulled your panties down your legs.  You stepped out of them without being told.  Heisenberg pulled your dress up your body and over your head.  “Stay right there,” he growled, pulling his buttoned up shirt and undershirt from his body.  He unbuckled his belt and unzipped his pants.

You let out a surprised gasp feeling him lift one of your legs and placing your knee on the edge of the counter.  “Keep your leg right here...I want to get deep inside of you…” he demanded, pulling his cock from his pants.  Your chest rose and fell as you looked back at him over your shoulder, waiting impatiently.  

Heisenberg let the tip of his cock slide back and forth through your pussy lips.  You whimpered and pushed back against him, to which he chuckled.  “Are you desperate for my cock, pussycat?” he asked teasingly.  All you could do was nod your head and bite your lower lip.  “Tell me,” he said, “tell me how much you want me.  I want to hear that beautiful voice beg for my cock…”

“Karl, please,” you moaned, pushing against him.  You were spread wide and Heisenberg was the only one able to control how much or how little of his cock you received.  He gripped the base of his length, moving gently, waiting for you to beg.  “Please...I want you to fuck me...right here...against the kitchen counter...I need you, I fucking need you!!”

“That’s more like it,” he moaned as he pushed deep inside of your cunt.  The both of you moaned loudly.  One of his arms looped around your waist, holding you close to his body, as the other hand went back to the front of your neck.  His lips were at your ear as he started his punishing thrusts.  “Moan for me, Y/N...I want to hear you...you sound so fucking sexy when you scream for me…”

His hips hammered against your ass.  You felt him rubbing back and forth across your G-spot and every sensation made you shiver.  He knew every sweet spot in your body...where to kiss, where to lick, where to suck...and it felt beyond amazing.

“Fuck me, Karl...just like that...oh fuck yes...just like that!!!” you moaned, tossing your head back.  His fingers gripped your neck as he panted in your ear.

“You’re mine, pussycat,” he growled, “all mine...I’m never letting you go...oh fuck, your cunt is so fucking tight!”

His hand moved from your waist to your pussy, his fingers rubbing your clit in time to his thrusts.  You began to scream.  The double punch of his cock stretching you out and his fingers rubbing your sensitive clit were about to drive you insane.  You were going to cum soon...so close...almost there...more...more…

“I love you, Y/N…” Heisenberg moaned, “...so much...cum for me...cum for me like a good girl…”

“I love you, too,” you whimpered, “...I’m almost there...Karl...almost there...oh fuck!”

His teeth sunk into the flesh of your neck as he felt your pussy grip his cock tightly.  His moans and grunts were stifled as he heard you scream.  Your body trembled and your hand went over his on your clit.  Your hips bucked wildly, humping his hand and riding his dick.  Your orgasm broke the surface and your moans were strangled as you trembled uncontrollably.  His teeth released your skin as he came inside of you, his deep moan echoing through the room.

He slumped against you as both of your bodies quaked from aftershocks.  Drops of sweat slid down your neck.  His arms held you tight as he pressed his forehead to your shoulder.  “You’re gonna kill me one of these days…” he whispered.  You chuckled softly.

You lowered your leg from the countertop as Heisenberg pulled out of your pussy.  Your legs felt numb and you had to hold yourself up as you kicked your heels off your feet.  Heisenberg could see that you were weak.  Without a word, he swept you off your feet and took you to the bed, laying you down amongst the soft covers.

You pulled the sheets and blankets down as Heisenberg removed his boots, socks, and pants.  He slid under the covers with you, wrapping his arm around your shoulders and pulling you close.  You laid your head on his chest, inhaling the sweet smell of Tochitura de Pui still in the air.

[philosophicalparadox]

Cooking/food headcanon for Lucifer?

(hope ur asks get fixed 👌)

(Let's hope this posts!) Thank you, you're a sweetheart.

Im gonna separate the two since they're different subjects

Cooking HC:

Lucifer has an excellent understanding of how to cook things so they are safe to eat and even a rudimentary understanding of how spices work, but is by no means a "good cook" by anyone's standards. Whatever he makes will be edible, and not necessarily bad, but it will be pretty bland and uninteresting. If that suits your tastes though (it does mine) then you'll enjoy it plenty.

He needs cooked food in order for his fragile body to get all it needs without wasting energy, but he hates to cook without other people around him. (Not always people to serve). Cooking by himself is tedious and boring. He has no idea how to make things more interesting for himself, so he relies on other people to make things interesting for him.

In that vein he likes watching others cook/ being part of the kitchen and helping out. Introverted (ambiverted maybe?) he may be, but he needs external validation and likes to be a part of things, just not always in the spotlight.

He really likes it when people cook for him, and is more grateful to his chefs than to most other people. He is particularly giddy about people making special dishes for him, made with intent, and is remarkably graceful about it even when the food isn't great. He's glad to be thought of as important enough to make a specific meal for, or alternatively to spare a special food for, even when food is abundant. Remember Lucifer was the first demon to ever incarnate. He was probably around before or near to before the dawn of civilization. Food was a prime resource pre agrarian societies. If someone made you, specifically, a treat, then it meant something important. It still does, but not quite as much as it did pre massive world wide trade of produce that started 68 years ago.

Food:

Truth be told Lucifer doesn't have a particular favorite food, though he does prefer things. He may exhibit more nuanced preferences disguised as "favorites" based on those he is around, or those he wants to impress, but he doesn't especially care. If he had to pick a favorite itd be meat, in general, especially white meats like poultry or fish.

While his body needs cooked food, he can and will eat many things, especially plant based things, raw. He will eat raw meat, too, especially if it's a part of a larger meal or dish. Human food kind of fascinates him, so he will eat pretty much anything they will, and has similar instinctual taste preferences (salt, fat, sugar, protein) courtesy of being an omnivore.

Having said that he doesn't actually like modern sweets that much. Older and semi-sweet foods he likes, but too much of a good thing is off-putting. He does like chocolate (sweet + fat) though, in moderation.

Fried food is also in moderation, as a treat or when he craves it. Fried food often has a strong taste, and needs to be tempered with salt. It can be great, but again, too much of a good thing.

Alcohol! Not exactly a food but often goes with it. He enjoys it, and has a surprising natural tolerance for it. But he LOATHES getting drunk. He always does or says the stupidest (most impulsive) things, can never remember them properly, and then has to deal with the consequences without very easily having someone else to point to to take the fall, if not for him then with him. Owning up to his mistakes is not something he handles with grace.

Setting that aside I feel that he would prefer wine and other "soft" alcohols. He has to be careful with red wine courtesy of its, uh...stimulating effects. If there's one thing he avoids more than being drunk it's being drunk and horny at the same time. It's a recipe with an unpredictable outcome and he hates the loss of control. The fact he hurts people (you think this man would stop if someone said no? Sober maybe, if they could bite as hard as they bark, but drunk? Hell no, drunk him is impulsive as shit and can't control his strength that well, and more importantly doesn't want to) doesn't bother him at all though. Drunk him isn't reasonable, so it wasn't really him that did it, was it? Sober him isn't responsible for drunk him, noooooooo.

Thank you again for the ask. Let's hope this thing gets fixed! Hope this satisfies.

[the-sole-macgyver]

Can i request a companions react where Sole has a pet goose that doesn't like them (the companion) and will chase them around but Sole just finds it hilarious? Bonus points if a companion gets treed by the goose

Nice prompt, the games really fun- real geese not so much

Prompt:It’s a lovely morning in the Commonwealth, and Sole has a horrible goose

Excluded companions:None

Note: if there are any characters, ie: faction leaders or let’s say synth!Codsworth that anyone would like to be included please feel free to ask!

Warnings:shenanigans of the fowl kind, swearing, threats of violence, goose-typical violence under cut

Cait:She’s always thought that the Swans..clothing of choice was a bit dainty looking for such a fucking big and nasty behemoth of a super mutant, but after meeting “Morrigan”  she’s pretty sure the Swans getup was spot on, because Sole’s bird was also a big nasty bastard that would kill anyone who came near it if it could. She threatens to cook it whenever it trys to chase her and Sole generally has too keep them separated because they're fairly sure Cait will go through with it if given the opportunity. Both Cait and the goose are instantly hostile when they see each other.

Codsworth: He’s known of “Beatrix” since before the bombs fell, and he’s not ashamed to admit he’d wished the bird had went up in flames like the rest of the world around him. Alas; someway, somehow, Beatrix stood before him alongside his beloved sir/ma'am once more: all pristine white feathers and seething rage aimed at the goose his chrome paint still faintly reflected back at it, his thrusters still vaguely emulating hissing, and as the beast known as Beatrix reared back, mouth open and screeching Codsworth once again resigned himself to being pecked and screamed at, while his beloved sir/ma’am laughed, cruelly. Whenever he sees the wretched thing make its way back to Sanctuary he tries to make sure he’s on the other side of the settlement.

Curie:She’d never met a real goose before Sole found her and at this point she kind of wished that she never had met the bird, or at least if she had never taken that blood sample- because apparently geese held grudges for life, and they can live for over 20 years. She had only wanted to help the animal, testing its blood to make sure the radiation wasn't effecting it too badly, but apparently it wanted its blood back and if it couldn’t get it back it would take hers- Sole insisted she was fine, but seeing that thing charge at her was quite intimidating, and so she had no plans on going near it ever again, thank you very much. If she does accidentally cross its path she dashes to the nearest building and locks the door until it leaves. 

Deacon: When Sole had told him that he couldn't buy the love of the funny, waddly pre-war bird they called a goose with Sugar Bombs he didn’t believe them, after all, it seemed pretty tame. That was his first mistake, and also what landed him half way up a tree in Sanctuary of all places, dangling just out of reach from the Hell Bird with the call of a bomb siren and a mouth full of teeth, screaming for Sole to rescue him but all the traitor was doing was laughing. He’s stuck up a tree above the jaws of death and they're laughing at him. Later he tries approaching it with different methods and in different disguises- unfortunately they never work, Sole says it recognizes his shades, he says it’s an Institute spy out for him and only him. It’s a silly, running joke they have, which, incidentally, he feels like whenever the animal decides to give chase.

Dogmeat:He does not like Soles other animal. It doesn't chase him but it does hiss and go to peck him when he scampers past it. Sole will chuckle and give him reassuring head pats, which are very good- but that thing is no friend and he wont be tricked into believing it is.

John Hancock: He’s reclining on his couch in his State House when Soles resident attack bird decides to go in for the kill. It charges, he panics and grabs it by the neck before it can reach his face and do anymore damage, now hes got an arm full of evil and a Vault dweller laughing their ass off in the doorway, he’d probably laugh too- except the birds stronger than it looks and he’s kinda struggling not to be mauled or resort to stabbing his good friends beloved, if malevolent, pet. When sole finally wrangles the devil off of him he starts to notice the neighborhood watch give the creature a wide berth whenever it waddles its way into town. In fact the only person it seams to tolerate other than Sole is Fahrenheit, surprisingly. 

Nick Valentine: He vaugly remembers what a Goose is- old Nick used to prefer them over Turkey for Christmas- and he can understand why his appearance might freak the pampered pre-war creature out, but did it really have to attack him every damn time it saw him? He’d think the lousy thing had a vendetta against him, except it did that to everyone who dared cross its path, he’ll never admit out loud that he got a kick out of seeing it terrorize Myrna- loudly smacking the chained cans around with its beak, unfurling its wings and hissing whenever she tired shooing it away. Later he’ll question Sole about why- out of all the possible pre-war animals they could have picked from- why did they have to chose a goose?

Danse: Seeing a fully grown man in full power armor try to run away from a 3kg bird on the war path was the highlight of Sole’s week, seeing him fall over a melon patch- the same one the bird was apparently guarding- in his mad dash for freedom almost had Sole pass out from laughing so hard, when they finally gather themselves enough to assist the paladin he’s red from embarrassment and doesn’t talk to them until the bird is removed from his immediate vicinity, and even then it takes an hour to get a word out of him, he requests that Sole keep their “feral animal” away from the Prydwen, least it knocks someone off the railing or worse- attack Elder Maxson. 

Piper: She’d been threatened, she’d been poisoned, she’d experienced attempts on her life and reputation since becoming a reporter. But nothing rattled her quiet like Sole’s relic of an animal companion, its weird elongated neck, those beady soulless eyes, the fact that it could apparently smell fear because it honed in on her like a missile whenever it was in range- it was always a mad dash to put anything or anyone between her and it, soles laughing never helped one bit. She writes a small article on the dangers of owning poultry out of spite and outright refuses to let Nat near it.

Preston:He’d forever be grateful to Sole for all they had done for the Minutemen and the Commonwealth, and if that meant he had to face “Guinevere” from time to time than so be it- this is what he tells himself, what really happens is he usually sees the bird before it sees him and starts running in the opposite direction, unfortunately his sudden movements usually catch said birds attention and it gives chase, hissing as it gains on him like some sort of demon, when it inevitably catches up to him it usually takes him to the ground where he loses his hat, if it doesn't manage to take him down he’s learned that it can’t climb (but it can swim, the water is not a safe place), and there are many trees around Sanctuary, one of which he usually ends up in, waiting for the thing to loose interest and leave (preferably permanently), this is a common occurrence, so common that he has to frequently change his patrol route, because if he doesn't the bird ends up figuring it out and waits in ambush for him, he’d honestly rather deal with raiders.

MacCready: When he first meets the bird he bends down to greet it, as is custom with other small domestic animals. Unfortunately Soles evil, horrible pet takes it as a threat and then goes for his eyes. He screams, flailing back. It fucking hisses. All trust in new animals is lost that day, and now he has more than just the Gunners to look out for, because the “goose” always seems to have its sights set on him. He walks on eggshells around the bird and, even though Sole says it only attacks him because it sees his tension as a threat, he can’t bring himself to let his guard down around it. Ever. He swears that it looks at him funny, like it’s plotting something, probably his untimely death.

Strong: He threatens to stomp on it when it hisses at him, his threatening stance only serves to enrage the creature more. It earns his respect, he has never seen anything channel the amount of rage this tiny monster does, he doesn't understand why Sole finds it so amusing that he and the screaming ball of hate get along so “well”.

X6-88:When he first sees “Dolorous” he has to wonder if the Institute had created the thing, when Sole tells him that it was frozen alongside them and their family he can’t help but wonder why a bird of all things was allowed a place in a vault over a potential human, and when he finally meets Soles pet he thinks he understands why they decided to put it on ice- to keep it locked away from the outside world where it couldn’t hurt anyone anymore. He uses the Institute’s standard non-lethal defensive tactics, but still ends up with a face full of feathers and ears full of Sole’s obnoxious laughter- he did manage to throw the bird off a roof once, only to find out that despite its size it could fly really really well, Sole didn’t talk to him for a week after that and he’s sure in that week the bird kept shooting him smug looks. Sole’s not allowed to bring it into the Institute. 

Ada: She just kind of idles there unsure of what to do whenever the goose decides to attack her, at least it doesn't do any damage and it wears itself out eventually, she doesn't know why Sole finds it so funny. Shes tried offering it scrap as a truce but so far nothing has prevailed, the goose still attacks.

Old Longfellow:He’s seen some messed up things in the fog in his time, it does things to creature and people- takes the fear right out of them and replaces it with something hungry and manic, but, somehow Sole’s pet bird manages to put that lost fear right back in them, it’s call carrying better in the dense air than most others, giving it a booming eerie quality that has the likes of wolves and trappers scampering away, those that are brave enough to investigate are blindsided by a pure white bird that blends so well into the fog that you can barely see it in front of you- all of these qualities he’d be grateful for, makes his job a lot easier, he just wished the thing would stop attacking his legs every time he talked, Sole says its because the fog has it tense and all the new things has it wound up, but he thinks it’s just an asshole. 

Porter Gage: He threatens to shoot the thing and Sole threatens to punch his teeth in if he did. So now he’s stuck with another animal themed lunatic, except this one really is an animal and it’s only a lunatic around him, as it seems to love the shit out of Sole. He hates that fucking bird. When the Overboss isn’t looking he glares at the bird and he swears it glares right back but that might just be his own bias on how much he does not like the animal, no matter how loud Mason sings its praises- out of fear he bets.

Addendum:I do not have a beta reader and I am dyslexic, I do proof read everything but am bound to make mistakes- and I would like to apologise in advance for any I have missed.

[imnotwolverine]

The Wolves Return - Part 1

Geralt of Rivia x OFC

| Part 2 >

Summary: After a long life of monster hunting, Geralt has retired to hold keep at Kaer Morhen. Winter is now fast approaching and though he expects visitors, not all of them are quite as welcome.  

Word count: 2.297 (8,5 min read) 

Disclaimer: 16+ - Thrilling, some sexual references 

--

The world goes eerily quiet when laid in white. Even the finest ears may not hear the migthiest cries. 

--

There hung something in the air today. 

A tempest that tinged the skies a hue of purple. There was a restlessness that made Geralt’s medallion tremble. And then there was of course the annoying old ache in his thigh bone, causing him to limp as he returned to his trusty steed. 

Hoisting up the poultry he had hunted down that morning, Geralt kept a watchful eye on the trees. Nothing much seemed out of the ordinary. With the day still early, a mist clung to the ferns and fallen over branches. It would look gloomy to anyone unfamiliar with the terrain. But to Geralt it looked perfectly normal. And yet.. Hmm. 

Stepping out into the forest clearing, his golden eyes brightened up. Roach had for once not left her spot -- which was quite a feat for the obnoxious, black and white coated mare. He grinned at her, clicking his tongue in hope she would meet him halfway. His leg was really a bother today and after his hunt he couldn’t wait to be back at Kaer Morhen and settle back in a chair. 

Roach, unfortunately, wasn’t so easy to convince. Blinking at him, she made absolutely zero effort to move to the Witcher. Instead she took a step or two back, twirling her ears as if challenging him. 

‘Oh don’t do that..’ Geralt sighed. He was really getting too old for all this. Reaching out a hand he leapt forward to catch her reins, his other arm swift to throw his bounty over the saddle. 

‘What is it with you women? Always eager to give me a challenge.’ 

Roach snorted. 

‘Yea yea. You laugh. Teasing an old man now, huh?’ 

She shook her head. 

‘Alright. Enough adventure for today, let’s get back and see if my brothers have arrived yet.’ 

Climbing up in the saddle he ran a hand through Roach’s manes, comforting himself with her warmth and accepting little huff. Without another word they set out, returning to their home at Kaer Morhen, where soon enough not only first snow would arrive, but also his Witcher brothers. Ready to outstay the winter. Like old times. 

--

[an age ago]

‘Oh come on old sock!’ Young Ciri jeered. She chuckled as she saw a hint of white hair peeking out over the turned over cart. 

‘Or what? Scared to lose?’ Geralt poked his head out over the makeshift barrage, eyeing his daughter as she stalked around a few wooden barrels. First snow had fallen last night and though it was hardly enough for a proper snowball fight, the two couldn’t be kept from having a little fun in the courtyard. 

Not far off sat Coën on one of the stair steps, his dark long beard sparkling with the little snowflakes that danced in the air. He had started down the stairs to gather Ciri for her daily training, but had decided a few minutes of fun wouldn’t hurt. 

Having settled down with his arms crossed, he watched the two dance around the courtyard, hands clinging to powdery balls of white snow. 

‘Oh now you’ve got it!’ Ciri darted forward, earning an exasperated little sigh from Coën. 

‘Footwork Ciri, footwork!’ 

She slowed down, turning around dramatically to give him an eyeroll. That moment, however, was all it took for Geralt to take the victory, his hand lifting the back of her collar so he could land a fresh heap of snow in her shirt. 

‘AYEEEEE!’ She yelped, twirling around at lightning speed to tackle Geralt before he could step away. The two fell tumbling and Coën couldn’t help but chuckle as he got up. As he made his way back up towards the main entryway, he found Vesemir standing there, looking down at father and daughter tumbling around in the snow. 

‘Quite a pair, aren’t they?’ 

Coën shrugged, brushing a hand over his long dark beard. ‘She’s a special one.’ 

Vesemir stepped aside to let him through, but Coën remained. Turning on his heel he looked back at Ciri and Geralt. The contemplative stare of his golden eyes hid something he wouldn’t speak of. A quiet sorrow that one would only find in the kin of Witchers. 

‘Ai Geralt! No!’ Ciri screeched, gasping as another launch of snow was squashed into her face. 

A moment later Geralt stepped in next to Vesemir and Coën, smirking as he wiped some frosty hairs out of his face. 

‘Well there’s someone who likes winter.’ Coën said. 

Geralt shrugged, smirking as he turned just in time to catch Ciri before she could return the assault. 

Growling in frustration the young girl tried to fight against Geralt’s grip, but there was no use. 

Coën sighed, shaking his head as he nodded in the direction of the great hall. 

‘Alright. Let’s get you soaked kittens dry before we start training. Can’t have you wet as a rat out here in the cold.’  

‘Say that to those who still have to arrive.’ Ciri huffed, blinking up at the sky where thicker and thicker flakes of snow were starting to fall. 

‘All come in due time.’ Tutted Coën. ‘Witchers can handle a wee bit of snow.’ 

--

The hour had grown late and Geralt had settled back in his chair before the fire. First snow had arrived, as expected, but his fellow brethren had not yet. With a thoughtful expression Geralt watched the flames in the firepit before him dance around a few pine cones he had thrown in. Every few seconds the fire would find a residue of the pine resin, causing the flames to rise higher and cast long shadows over the recently swept floors. 

He felt ready for his winterly guests, especially now he had gone some months without much adventure. He couldn’t wait for the joy and laughter to return, because though retired from the Trail, he still felt every bit the Witcher. He still trained whenever his leg allowed, and kept his sword sharp and closeby. 

Living in the quiet keep of Kaer Morhen, like his late teacher Vesemir once had, meant that most of the year there was little companionship. Winter, however, meant the return of the others. Of bawdy laughter, drinking..and perhaps some impromptu dress-up parties in Yen’s clothing. 

Yen. He hadn’t seen her in more than an age. The raven haired sorceress with her snappy remarks and dizzying scent. He couldn’t quite remember it now. The scent. He even bought it from a merchant some years ago, just to smell it every now and then. But it just wasn’t the same without her own scents mixed in. It didn’t make his heart race the way she could. Was she still alive?

A howling draft whipped through the hall, making the medallions of his fallen brothers jingle. They hung from an old tree that had been dried and placed like a huge ornamental shrine on the far end of the spacious room. Geralt inhaled deeply and willed himself to relax. For a moment he could have sworn that his medallion had trembled, but perhaps it was just his mind playing tricks. There was nothing there. Nothing to beseech his immediate attention. 

A voice called. 

Sitting up Geralt turned his nose into the draft, scenting what it might be. Just the winds again? Or a visitor? 

It was quiet once more and with a grunt he returned his annoyance to the fire before him. Perhaps he should get a hobby, like the old bard had once suggested. There. There was another person he didn’t want to admit to missing. Jaskier. The one most obnoxious, but beloved friend he ever had. Not even Regis’ uncalled for remarks or Milva’s unnerving singing could light a candle to the amount of suffering Geralt had undergone in the name of his friendship to Jaskier. Had it not been for having to save him from trolls, it might have been from angry mobs of highborn duchesses -- you’d be surprised how many there were of those. 

It had been years since Jaskier had found his rest, and still Geralt could very much remember the stories they had lived through together. The great tales that had been created with perhaps a touch of fantasy to make Geralt into one of the greatest Witchers ever lived. 

Or so Jaskier had proclaimed. 

Another howl. No wind this time though, Geralt was sure. With a swift twirl he started his way towards the battlements. On and on and up, straight into the icy winds that were biting their way around the ancient walls of the fortress. In the dark it was hard to make out anything other than the whipping trees and whirling snowflakes. But if his sharp eyes were not mistaken, there was something afoot near the fort entrance. 

He hadn’t raised the bridge. And apparently the narrow pathway to the main gate now made a stage for some unusual display. A hooded figure stood there cursing, hand knocking nervously against the heavy outer door. 

It was obvious that this wasn’t any of his Witcher brothers. They knew the secret ways to enter and wouldn’t have even bothered with entering this way in this kind of weather. 

No, this was someone else. Someone that smelled of fresh pine sap, blood and perhaps a wee bit of pee. This someone was afraid. Terribly afraid in fact. Another howl raved through the winds and the knocking became more furious. 

‘PLEASEE!’ It was a female voice that cried out over the wind. 

Geralt grumbled. Really now? A woman? Here? Eyeing the wildly moving trees he scouted for any trouble. But other than the wind and snow, there didn’t seem much amiss. 

‘Sir?! SIR?!’

Oh fuck, she saw me. 

Cursing himself inwardly, Geralt looked down the large wall that separated them. The woman was squinting into the flurry of snow, holding one hand up to keep her hood on her head. She wasn’t too old. But definitely not pretty enough to be a sorceress. She was not Yen. Nor any woman he knew. She was not in immediate danger, but then again..sending her back would be dangerous indeed. The people didn’t know this path. She, however, apparently did. 

Contemplating what to do, Geralt stood there looming over the battlements. The icy winds were starting to nip at his exposed skin and he could feel the ache returning to his leg. He had hoped for visitors, but not like this. Not… He scowled as the woman struggled to keep her cape close around her body. She looked terribly clumsy and she surely wouldn’t survive this night. 

Geralt sighed. 

--

[one day back in summer] 

‘You know, Geralt. There’s two good things in this world.’ Jaskier smacked loudly as he chewed on some freshly roasted sausage from the campfire. 

‘Hmm.’ 

‘First of all there’s of course the delicious enticement that is all that you can fit in your bed.’ 

‘Please don’t start about the unicorn.’ 

Jaskier laughed -- nearly launching a piece of sausage from his mouth. ‘Oh, do NOT give me ideas. Oh that’s quite splendid. How large was it anyway? Life-sized? Play-sized? FUN-sized?’

‘Jaskier!’ 

‘Hey! You started this. Anyway, where was I? DE-li-cious sausages by the way. That butcher’s girl knows how to handle her meat. And I’m not just talking about…’ He dangled another sausage between his juicy fingers, wiggling his eyebrows. 

Geralt didn’t so much as look, keeping his attention on the golden light that shone down from the sinking sun. The valley before them was luscious with buzzing summer life. Cicadas were singing, beasts were roaming. And then there was Jaskier, smacking loudly as he ate the freshly roasted sausages from the campfire.  

Jaskier continued, swallowing his bite. ‘Oh don’t mind the unicorn though. We all had our interesting experiences.’

Geralt finally looked back at Jaskier, whose lips curled in a smile. 

‘I don’t think I want to know.’ 

‘Perhaps another time, yes.’ Jaskier agreed, grinning. 

‘So the second good thing, what was that?’ 

‘Well family of course!’ 

Geralt raised an eyebrow at the bard, who now dreamily stared down at the valley. 

‘Family.’ 

‘Mhm.’ Jaskier sighed with a smile. 

‘Things that fit in your bed, and family.’ 

‘Well if you play your cards right they both might end up in your bed. And I’m quite platonic in my speech here. But yes. Family.’ 

‘Hmm.’

‘Glad you asked Witcher! Now family is of course more than just the line of blood you’re born from. It’s more than the people you are taught to call your family. Ciri, is your daughter, no doubt. And Yen, witchy mistress of evil with those delectable butt cheeks. Probably family.’ 

Geralt huffed. 

‘Oh don’t complain. But now there’s more! There’s..’ 

Geralt sat up. His golden eyes had practically set alight in the glowing burst of sunrays. ‘You knocked someone up didn’t ya?’ 

Jaskier swallowed -- no sausage this time. For the few words that ever came from the Witchers mouth, he hadn’t quite expected the Witcher to have been so straightforward. Wordlessly he looked at Geralt. ‘Well..’ 

--

Struggling with the rusty old joints of the peeping hole, Geralt opened the tiny latch at eye height. The woman that had been there moments earlier had disappeared. Which was peculiar, because it had been quite clear that she had wanted to enter. 

It was only a second later that he heard a heart wrenching cry. The winds twirled and twisted the sound, suffocating it before any human ear could have probably heard. He didn’t take long to make one and one two. The winds by the treeline were moving the wrong direction. And tracks in the snow, though hard to see, were just fresh enough to follow despite the roaring storm. They led back to that exact treeline. 

Fuck. 

Feeling his medallion hum despite the way it was sent back and forth in the wild wind, confirmed his suspicion. Evil was here. And perhaps it had come knocking, too.

--

Go to Part 2 > 

--

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[votederpycausemufins]

Alright, time to work on tying up loose ends ish. i think there’s like... 2 chapters left after this? idk, I’m still writing!

@petrichormeraki @helleborusangel

While most everyone wanted Grifter dead, the fact that he was the only way to free Xannes made them keep him alive. They did manage to get the Listener to let him out, but at the same time, he let his own family out as well before disappearing with them. Fortunately as they left, the world rolled back, undoing all the damage as well as leaving Grian rather grumpy that his hard work was gone.

Shortly after that, everyone had to keep Grian and Techno apart when the avian tried attacking him for being near Grum, who to Grian’s annoyance seemed perfectly fine around the warrior. He reluctantly accepted it, only to get piled on again as he tried to make a second nest. 

Xannes hacked them all out of the castle, at least those he could. Kristen and Joe followed on their own a few moments later, everyone soon at the quartz mansion. Grian was immediately after as many blankets as he could obtain, Tommy laughing, but quickly helped out. 

Kristen stayed for a bit, long enough to officially say hello to Grian once he was lucid enough, but stayed longer after Grum clung to her leg and refused to let go. Eventually she relented and got pulled into Grian’s blanket nest, Grum running off to drag Techno in next.

“So… how have you two been?” Kristen asked, before correcting herself. “Besides this whole mess that got me involved.”

“It’s been pretty pog since I found Grian. We didn’t even know we were related until, what? A week ago?”

“I’m sorry. I honestly had no clue.” Kristen apologized, but Grian shrugged.

“I don’t blame you. I ended up in a world that death didn’t seem to exist in, at least not really. People who died showed up as ghosts. So even if I did remember your job, I wouldn’t have blamed you there. Then there were the Watchers, and then apparently Zed’s been dealing with things in Hermitcraft. I- are you two related?”

“Yes, we’re siblings.” Kristen replied, shocking both Grian and Tommy.

Zedaph, who was nearby, stepped closer. “Why do you look so shocked? I thought you knew, or at the very least I thought Grian knew.”

“Is that why you acted so casual when you asked me to kill myself?!” Grian balked, making Kristen whip around to look at Zed.

“You asked him to what?!”

“It was for a game! I asked a number of hermits to see who could kill themselves the fastest for a prize! Honestly, I don’t see what the problem was since he started Demise a year later.”

“That was sort of my last shot to find anyone. I thought so much death would make Mum show up.”

“Well, as far as I know, she wasn’t even showing up for Phil after you left, so not like there was much hope there.” Tommy shrugged, though he said it in a joking manner. It still made Kristen frown before Tommy elbowed her. “Hey. It’s fine. I mean, we’re meeting you now and not before we found each other again, so that’s pretty pog too.”

As the two of them chatted, Grian managed to find some paper and ink and started putting together a quick family tree before handing it to Techno to fill in the blank of Fundy’s mom. “Alright, so Wil, Techno, Tommy and I are the kids of you and Phil. Wilbur’s got Fundy with someone named Sally?” Grian quickly looked to Techno who nodded. “Sally. Mumbo and I built Grum and Jrum, meanwhile Techno and Tommy don’t have any kids.”

“Yeah I’m still looking for the ladies.” Tommy jokingly boasted, getting some chuckles from those nearby.

“And I don’t see the point in relationships.”

“Aro, got it.”

“I prefer fireworks. I don’t need arrows.”

Grian stifled some chuckles before continuing. “You’re siblings with Zed, who’s currently with Impulse and Tango, which I’m not going to go further into for my own sanity. And then you and Dad are immortal or something, so who knows about your parents.”

Kristen nodded. “Good, but you’re forgetting your uncle.”

Grian showed off the chart. “What? No, I’ve got Zed there with Impulse and Tango. If you’re going with the misconception that Worm Man is related, I’ll have you know that Poultry Man has assured me that’s not the case. Plus Zedaph has an interview with Worm Man and they are definitely in the same place.”

Kristen half nodded. “Oh, I’m sure that’s very much the case. However, I’m talking about Phil’s brother.”

“Mum, I’m glad to meet you and everything, but could you have waited like another week to drop that on us too?” Tommy asked as Grian looked like he was on the edge of a breakdown.

“So, should I not mention he has-”

“Nope! Not now! And we’ll ask dad ourselves.”

“I was just a hermit a week ago. I was technically still an orphan. I had the hermits as a family. Now some of them are really my family. Why? Why? Why is this happening?”

“Okay G, time to go to bed.” Tommy said, pulling one of the blankets out of the nest and throwing it over Grian’s head, hoping the darkness would kick in Grian’s parrot brain and get him to calm down. 

It was just at the right time too, because the door opened with Phil coming into the building. “How’s everyon- Kristen?!”

From there, all of the family currently in that world - other than Zedaph - ended up in Grian’s blanket nest. They chatted a bit before Kristen eventually had to leave, though she made sure to let all of them know how to call her if there was an emergency. Zedaph finally joined to take her place, getting glared at by Grum of all people. “You doing alright there?”

“I’m upset I didn’t know you were my uh… great uncle?”

“Grunkle has a better ring to it.” Zedaph smiled, but Grum just pouted and crossed his arms before being pulled into a hug from Grian. “But yeah, I’m sorry Grian. I can’t believe I never noticed you didn’t know.”

“No, it’s fine. I had a crazy enough story with my family growing up, what’s five more.”

“Five?” Phil asked, raising an eyebrow. 

Grian started counting on his fingers. “Finding out that Tommy was my brother, the whole situation Techno caused, finding our Zedaph is related to me, finding out you’ve got a brother, and then Mum mentioning there was more to that.”

Phil sighed. “Oh, she told you about that? Okay first off, we’re half brothers, so that’s normally why he’s left out of things. Plus, he’s been doing his own thing for a while. I haven’t really heard from him since his letters about Minecrack.”

Grian paused, processing that new information before grabbing one of the blankets and screaming into it, Grum patting his dad on the back.

“Is he okay?” Phil asked, making Zedaph shake his head.

“Some of the hermits used to live there, so one of them might have met your brother. Sorry, half brother.”

“Ah, good to know.”

Grian slowly put the blanket down. “Okay, obviously talking is just making things worse. How about we all shut up for like… ten minutes while we still have some peace? I’m scared if we try much else, something else will come out of the woodwork and make things worse again.”

“Ugh, normally I’d hate not talking,” Tommy piped up with an agreeing groan. “But for once, you’ve got a point.”

“For once?!”

Tommy didn’t say anything else, just mimed zipping his lips up, locking them, and throwing away the key.

.

.

.

Grian woke up, glad it wasn’t from a nightmare. He, Tommy and Grum were the only ones left in the nest from before, but he smiled upon seeing the empty space had been given to Tommy’s friends. Ranboo seemed to have been dragged in based on his awkward position, likely by Tubbo and Michael who seemed much more comfortable.

Looking around, it didn’t seem anyone else was in the room, voices coming from elsewhere in the building. Grian carefully moved Grum closer to Tommy, the bot happily clinging to the teen instead. He then pulled himself out of the nest, doing his best not to wake anyone in the process.

He was glad to see everyone looked calm and nothing immediately seemed concerning. The closest thing was what looked like a living diamond walking around, but the fact that no one else was concerned made it less worrying. “So, who’s the new… person I think.”

Phil looked over to where Grian was standing now. “His name’s Skeppy. When the world got repaired, the people that weren’t already revived showed up. It also fixed my wings.” And he let one of them open up so Grian could see.

“Good to know. Nothing bad’s happened yet?” Grian asked, and Phil shook his head. “That’s good. Once Grum and Tommy are away, I’m going to be taking them home. I mean, unless Tommy wants to stay, because he might want to see people again, but Grum still needs repairs. Plus I need to talk with Mumbo about something I found out.”

“Anything bad?”

Grian shook his head. “Not necessarily, just something we need to be aware of.” Then Grian was quiet for a while before speaking up again. “You know, ever since I found it again, I’ve been taking care of the castle.”

“You mean… back in-?”

“Yeah. The place I grew up in has way too many bad memories attached. Evo’s gone and my building world is lonely. Hermitcraft is the closest thing I have to a home, but being able to take a break and go back there helps.”

Phil smiled. “Well, you’ll have to show me what you’ve done with the place.”

“Yeah.” Grian smiled. “I’ll try to visit with Tommy plenty. I’m sure you want to stay here now that it looks like things are calmed down. I’m sure you’ll want to visit us, or at least someone will, so I’ll look into that.”

“Just don’t go silent for eighteen years.” Phil joked, making Grian whack him in the back of his head with a wing.

From there, the two of them chatted, catching up. Both of them avoided the more unfavorable topics, which was a bit tricky, but they managed. At least they did for a while. “Hey… I’m sorry. I know I screwed up with Tommy.”

“Can we not talk about that?” Grian said, ruffling his feathers. “Enough has happened. I don’t want to talk about serious stuff right now.”

“Well who knows when we’ll get another chance.”

Grian sighed. “Fine, but I’m making it quick. Since you’re not going to be around, I’m just trusting you’ll maybe do better. I can check in any time I want, so just know if you screw up, there’s a good chance I’ll see it. There’s a good chance I’ll break down your door if I heard more stories from Tommy, but for like the next week or so, you’re safe. Is that good enough?”

Phil hesitated for a moment before responding. “Alright, sure.”

As soon as he responded, Grian went back to the other room, glad to see Tommy was awake. When Grian replayed the options to Tommy, the teen thought it over before deciding he would stay behind for a little bit at the very least. He didn’t want to disappear while Ranboo and Tubbo were both asleep. Grian made sure Tommy still had NPG’s old comm so that he could call for Grian to pick him up again.

Grian carefully picked Grum up, the bot clinging to his chest, then he opened a portal to take them home. 

.

.

.

Grian was glad that the repairs ended up being mostly his job to fix. The redstone seemed unharmed, save for right near the trident wound and Grum’s buttons. Technically the buttons themselves were mainly aesthetic anyway, but some redstone was close by so they needed to be careful.

Once everything was fixed, they plugged Grum in to be safe and then Grian started explaining what he had learned. Mumbo was surprised and excused himself briefly to try contacting people for information. For the most part, he was able to get help, but in terms of whatever glitch the bots had, the information was too vague for anyone to get a good guess.

Grian got Xisuma to take a look, but unfortunately the admin couldn’t figure anything out. Neither could Xannes, but that was affected by NPG wanting to go home soon and check in his aerbunny.

With no other options, Grian was ready to use his Watcher magic, but he was quickly interrupted. Suddenly Grifter was there and threw himself into Grian’s arms, leaving the Watcher struggling to hold his double up before just dropping him. “What are you doing here?”

“Hiding?” Grifter answered innocently. “I kinda messed up, though Dad did too.”

“What did you do?” Grian growled as Grifter stood up and dusted himself off.

“Okay, so dad wanted me killing Nightmare. That’s cool, I did that. He just kinda let it slip his mind that he didn’t tell Punch. So now until Dad talks him down, I’m hiding here! Also watching for spies. Who knows where they could be hiding.”

Grian half groaned, half sighed. “How do I know you’re not going to destroy the place?”

“Uh, because that would make it obvious I’m here, duh. Look, just tell me what you want and I’ll do it. I mean, if it’s something other than leaving. I’m sticking here because if I get seen here, he’ll assume it’s just you. Wait, I’m going to need to get out of my new look. That’s no fun, I really like th-”

“Okay shut up for like five seconds. I don’t have the patience for this today. You said there was something of a glitch with my kids. Tell me what it is or fix it or something and you can stay for a bit. If you cause any trouble, you’re out though.”

“Oh yes of course!” Grifter responded, hugging Grian. “Okay, so the problem is kinda pretty simple. They aren't completely connected to this world so other data is being used to check where they’re from. If everything’s just within this world, it’s fine, but it fucks up their respawn if it’s not.”

“That’s… that’s it?”

“Yup! Just tell your admin and I’m sure he can- OH FUCK! Gimmie your bowwwww!” Grian suddenly started doing his best to climb Grian, having little luck with them being the same height. Grian did his best to keep his balance before seeing what exactly was freaking his hels copy. Nearby, a chicken had walked into view, and apparently that was the problem.

Grian gave a deadpan look before killing the chicken, which immediately calmed Grifter down. “You were scared… of a chicken?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I said he could be sending spies!”

“And… those are chickens?”

“Yes! Of course!” Grifter exclaimed like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Grian wanted to sigh in exasperation, but then he realized that this was good news. If for some reason Grifter acted up, well, a certain hero could help save the day.

“Alright, maybe this might not be the safest place for you here, but you can stay.”

“Why? Why isn’t it safe? Are there lots of spies?”

“Oh, we have the worst one yet. His name is Poultry Man. Have you ever heard of him.”

“I have! I thought Xannes was lying! He’s really real?!” Grifter asked, trembling, making Grian have to hold in laughter.

“Well, he hasn’t been around for a while, but who knows? If - you said Punch? - if he’s looking for you, Poultry Man might show up.”

“Oh no! Do you have anything to stop him?”

Grian couldn’t help the sly smile that got onto his face. “Well…”

.

.

.

Grum watched as Mumbo looked through a bunch of books. He had gotten fixed up, but his daddy said there was still something they needed to figure out, so Dad was out doing that. But he had left a while ago and sitting in one place for a long time was getting boring. “Daddy, how much longer do I have to wait here?”

Mumbo jumped slightly before looking up from his book, which just made Grum frown. Obviously he had been forgotten about. “Um, well, I suppose that depends on what your dad does.”

“But I’ve just been sitting here for ages.” Grum crossed his arms.

“I know, but apparently there’s a bug in your system and until we can identify it, we want to keep you safe. You’ve already been through a lot, I’m sure you don’t want anything more happening.”

“But Daddy I-”

“Grum, this isn’t up for discussion.” Mumbo cut the bot off, who flinched back at the harsh tone. “I know. I don’t like it either. But sometimes the harder options are the better ones.”

Grum was quiet again, just thinking. Mumbo started to look at his book again, but then the bot spoke up once more. “Is it about Console? Or my chat in general?”

“What?” Mumbo looked back up, confused.

“Well, Jrum’s not here, so it has to be something that’s just me, correct? That would likely involve when the admin was using me as a console or the fact that I have gained a chat like Techno, Phil and, based on conversation, Dad.”

“Oh, you mean MFDD? At least I’m still pretty sure that’s what we said it was. I’d have to go digging for my old books again. And Grian might have them at this point.”

“What’s MFDD?” Grum asked, tilting his head.

“It’s the abbreviation for the condition we’re pretty sure Grian has. But it’s a condition that last I checked, was still in a sort of odd state, and I’ve been in Hermitcraft since school, so I’m not updated on it.” Mumbo glanced over to Grum, who just looked confused. “Right. Well, the simple version is that’s what the real name of your Dad’s ‘chat’ is. MFDD. But based on what he told me, that’s not what you have.”

“Oh. Wait, I don’t?” Grum asked, sounding worried and slightly panicked.

“Don’t worry, it’s fine. It’s nothing bad. I’m sure we’ll need to get it properly diagnosed, but the fact that you seem to have what’s like… multiple people in your mind and they can sometimes be in control, along with the fact that it happened after… stressful events. That all likely means it’s DID. Which essentially means you have multiple personalities.”

“And is that good or bad?”

Mumbo rubbed his mustache. “Well, I don’t think it’s necessarily good or bad in and of itself. I wish I knew more about this… In short, it’s at the very least not bad. Or at least not bad if you don’t let it be bad.”

“I still don’t understand.” Grum frowned, leaving Mumbo to try and figure out some other way to explain.

“Hmm… It’s. Uh… Well let’s see. Well it… no that wouldn’t make sense. It’s… Oh! So, when you’re building, say you make a house. And the house has a bunch of rooms. It’s all one house, but there are different rooms and um… well each one has its own person.” Grum nodded along, mostly understanding. “And well, you own the house even though others live there. Because you own the house, you’re in charge.”

“But sometimes I’m not. Like Console and Eyes decide to be in charge or I let them.”

“Well, sometimes something… happens. Like maybe you’re busy… cooking? And so if you’re doing that, someone else gets to be in charge. Or maybe you just want to… sit on the couch?”

Grum’s digital mustache twitched in thought before he nodded. “Okay, I think that makes sense.”

Mumbo nodded, turning back to his books before sighing, glad that what he made up on the spot worked. 

“Mumbooooo! I’m back! I figured out what’s wrong! We need to take the boys to Xisuma!” Mumbo jumped from Grian arriving, then was confused to see two of him.

“Why is Grifter here?”

“Long story, it’s fine for now, we need Xisuma. Let’s go go go!”

Mumbo just stared for a moment before sighing and shrugging before going to get Jrum. It didn’t seem like anything bad was happening, so there was a fifty fifty shot it really was fine. Maybe less since there were two Grian’s involved, but it was something Mumbo came to expect with Grian in general.

[acerace]

Other writing I talk about occasionally:

Souls au- 3rd Life fantasy au where the red-green duos make lifelong magic bonds, and also half of them are fantasy creatures/the fae, while the world falls into chaos when a curse that prevents respawn appears overnight.

Merlin au- Grian, Scar, Ren, and Martyn are constantly reincarnated as Merlin, Arthur, Morgana, and Gwen, but who becomes who is different each cycle and they have no memory of their previous lives until Arthur dies, upon which a new cycle starts.

Horseracing au- what if all of mcyt was actually about horses. Starts in hc s6 with Grian's new horse Poultry Man! This is also not accurate to either horses or horseracing <3

Empires Pokemon au- the 12 rulers of Empires are gym leaders/the elite 4, and have to put aside their personal differences to stop a shadowy organization led by a strange figure known as Xornoth from destroying the world.

Dsmp Watchers au- au where Grian and Phil are both Watchers, and when Phil goes to the Dream SMP to check on Wilbur, Grian goes with, forever altering the state of dsmp when the two arrive on November 16th and stop Wilbur from dying.

Amnesia au- au where Grian's final death on 3rd Life accidentally screws up his memories, so he only remembers 3rd Life and nothing else. When he wakes back up in Hermitcraft after the game, he has no idea where he is or who anyone else is, save for a half dozen enemies and, of course, Scar.

Sons of the Sea au- dsmp fantasy au where Dream is the son of a sea god and, alongside the dream team, captain a ship across the world to find his father.

[diabloindigo]

Are you the person to open a box of cereal just to get the toy inside? As a kid yes. Right now, I don’t buy cereals with prizes anymore. Do they even stuff toys in cereal these days? 

Do you get scared easy? If it’s in the anxiety induced variety, yes. 

What was one of the stupidest things you cried over when you were little? Not sure, it could have been anything from not wanting to wear a fancy dress or dress shoes to a party or a broken toy. 

Have you ever drank milk from the carton? Despite having a working dishwasher and plenty of glasses, I “waterfall” milk and juice from the containers. 

Juice or milk? I go both ways, leaning more towards juice. Apple or orange. 

Do you ever turn off your computer properly? Once in a while. 

Do you wish you were a fish? Not really, though I kinda envy the blue Dory (Doctor Fish?) in the tank at my gynecologist’s waiting room. It likes to swim to the bottom of the tank and ride up to the top on a bubble jet. That damn fish has probably had more fun than I have in the past several months. 

Who’s your favorite super hero? Invincible (Amazon Prime). Along with Spider-Man (2002) and the Big Hero 6 movie, that character/series is a rare superhero show that makes me feel strong and vulnerable at the same time. 

Who’s your favorite super villain? Slade Wilson/ Deathstroke as seen in “Teen Titans: The Judas Contract” animated movie and the 2003-2006 “Teen Titans” cartoon series. 

Spiderman or X-men? Spider-Man. Tobey Maguire and Peter B. Parker from Into the Spiderverse. 

Movie theatre or stay at home movie night? Theaters. Alamo Drafthouse. I love ordering boozy milkshakes and finger foods.

Do you have a Blue Ray? I have one of those external drives for my Mac though I never use it. 

How about HD television? Yeah

Do you think HD television is kind of a waste of money? No. 

Do you get why people get so frickin’ freaked out during football season? I do not, and living in a state with a hard-on for (American) football makes it weird when I tell people that I do not have a favorite football team/player. 

Do you ever sneak scraps to the dog even though you’re not suppose to? I don’t sneak him food. If I cook or order too much to eat, then I scrape a couple of cup’s worth of leftovers in his bowl. He’s probably got only a year to live so let him live it up a little. 

Are you reading a book right now? If so what? A friend gave me a copy of “The Only Good Indians” but I can't get into it so I’m reading “Full Throttle” by Joe Hill. 

What was the last book you were required to read for school? It’s been so long I can’t remember. 

O donuts or jelly filled? Whipped cream filled. I love Krispy Kreme’s whipped cream filled donuts with raspberry filled donuts as a close second. 

If I’m feeling bland then I do like crullers. 

Do you like your ice-cream in a bowl or cone? Bowl unless it’s a tasty cone. 

Marshmallows in your hot chocolate or no? I could go either way unless it’s a tiny cup of chocolate. 

Do you like cherry coke? Hell yes. I love going to Sonic for a cherry-vanilla-lime Coke or this greasy little 1950s type burger joint for their cherry cokes since they load the cups with several cherries. 

Do you really think diet Dr. Pepper is the equivalent of a cupcake? No, it tastes artificial. Like a bastard child of a soft drink that wants to pass for cherry soda. 

Do you snore in your sleep? Drool? Talk? Snore and talk (I’m pretty stressed out).

Have you ever sleep walked? no

Are you a morning person? I am now. 

How do you wake up in the mornings? by alarm during the work week, naturally at 6-7 on vacation days. 

Do you think guyliner is hot? What is that? 

Is variety the spice of life? yeah

Do you think strawberry milk is disgusting? I like it. 

Have you ever drank after anyone? Like sharing a cup/bottle? Yeah, loads of times.  

Have you ever drank after anyone you don’t know very well? No. 

Do you have any limits on who you drink/eat after?

If we’re talking about sharing, then I will share food/drink with family and friends. If someone offers me bite-size pieces that are individually wrapped or can be torn off the main portion, I’ll eat it, but only from co-workers or acquaintances. 

Would you eat a sucker if someone already ate some of it? No. 

Would you chew somebody else's gum? Hell no. 

Do you know anyone who’s going to die of mono because of that? No. 

Do you enjoy school? My English and psychology classes. 

Are you a teacher’s pet? no

Do you have a job? Yes. 

How did you get to and from school? Parents drove me or I walked for elementary through high school. I drove when I went to college. 

Do you have a bedtime? And if so what is it? I’m in bed between 11-12 a.m.

What time do you get up? 6 am so I can walk/exercise before the sun boils the earth in full force. 

Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? Yeah in college. 

What’s more important? Beauty or brains? brains

Do you believe in yourself? Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don’t. 

Did you ever want to be an astronaut when you were little? No. Being a veterinarian or scientist were my highest ambitions as a small kid. 

How about the president? Never. 

What did you want to be when you were little? Veterinarian, scientist, cartoon character. 

Did you ever want to be a super model? no

Do you believe you’re attractive enough to be a super model? No.

Have you ever had an X-ray? Several in the past few months for pre-surgery and dental work.

What’s your favorite guy’s name? What’s your favorite girl’s name? Guys’: Shane, Mark, Tadashi, Austin, Cade, Trip.

Girls’: Quince, Sienna, Amy, Kit, Lizzie (Elizabeth), Raven.

Who’s your second cousin’s, grandparent’s, sister? The fuck...

Do you laugh to yourself whenever the ketchup bottle farts? No, in fact, I get annoyed when other people hear it and ask me if I farted. 

Do you have any real guns in your house? I have several. 

Do you know how to use nunchucks? No, I bought a pair at one of those Asian imports emporiums, but I donated them since I never learned to use them. They were these crappy foam padded ones with dragons printed on the handles. 

Do you know anyone who can use nunchucks? No. 

What do you want to be next Halloween? In better health and not shitting bricks about using up my paid time off to go to doctors’ appointments. 

Did you ever consider getting a job as a mall Santa? No. I’d rather be one of his elves or a reindeer. 

Are you the one responsible for taking out the garbage? Yes. Grosses me the fuck out sometimes with smelly discarded poultry trays or rotten food, but somebody’s gotta do it. 

Do you recycle? My city has the blue recycling bins, but I heard that since we’re an ass-backward community, “recyclables” and trash all go to the same place. I just place recyclables in the blue bin to help clear up space in the trash bin. Maybe I’m wrong and this city does recycle? Can’t hurt. 

When I was 11, I’d collect empty soda cans to take to the recycling guy since back in the day, they’d pay for aluminum cans. That’s how I scraped up funds for dollar movies and hot dogs. 

Are you a pyro? Yeah. I carry/collect Zippo lighters but mostly because the “click-click” is satisfying to hear since I flip the lids open and closed to relieve stress. And I burn a lot of old bills and letters with sensitive info on them. 

What was the last word/thing you wrote down? I was researching high fiber foods that are also low in carbs to make a grocery and dinner meal plan. 

Sleeping or eating? After my surgery, sleeping. 

Are you overall a positive person? I try to be realistically positive, if such a thing exists. The world will never be all sunshine and My Little Ponies, but I try to find some comfort and positivity when my world is a shit-show. Filling this survey out kinda helps. 

Do you hate hypocrites? Yeah, especially the “do as I say, not as I do” types. 

For instance, a certain family member is pushing good diet and health habits, but it aggravates the hell out of me if I see him drinking high sugar iced tea or eating ice cream. Or Door-Dashing Burger King, even if it is a Beyond Whopper with a diet Coke. 

Do you like to prank people? Yes, but I do benign pranks like leaving dirty riddles and meme drawings on their front doors. 

What was the worst prank you’ve ever done on anyone? I tried fucking with a telesolicitor but I could not stop laughing. 

Have you ever jumped on a trampoline in the ice? I don’t own a trampoline. 

Have you ever ice skated? No. I tried once after a local minor league hockey game. I got the skates on, but my ankles were bending/bowing out so I changed my mind.

Ever water skiid? No. 

Is vacuum spelled funny? Yes. 

Democrat or republican? I don’t associate formally with either party, but I hitch my pony a little to the left. 

Who’s the biggest asshole you know? My former boss circa 2013. Very unprofessional and a veritable loudmouth and a poor (shit) showman wannabe. 

Pen or pencil? Gel-ink pens. 

Should all paper have holes? nope

Speaking of holes. Swiss cheese, what’s the point of that? Fewer calories? Spinning slices in my hand like a TV cowboy spinning his revolver in the trigger guard with his finger? 

Have you ever been in a helicopter before? No. 

Own any airbrushed tshirts? Nope, not even in the nineties. 

Have you ever been suspended? No. 

Have you ever been in a fist fight? A few playground fights as a kid. 

Ever said something to someone that you didn’t mean to say? Yes. 

Do you forgive too easily? I don’t think so. 

What are you listening to right now? The AC running. 

Have you ever seen any of MCR’s music videos? Nope. 

Are you tan? No. 

Have you ever been in a tanning bed? No. I have no desire to look like a Cheeto or woo skin cancer. 

Have you ever played water volley? Once at my uncle’s neighborhood swimming pool. 

Ever had a sunburn? Yes, from neglecting sunscreen re-applications or underestimating the sun. 

How about wind burn? It hurts….. Nah, I don't live in a cold enough climate for that. 

What was the first word you learned how to say? I think it was “mama.”

[dawnrider]

So this is a belated birthday dedication for the lovely @lemonlushff which I'll probably be posting later today. A Space Colonization AU that you mighht have spotted before during one of @clearwillow 's games.

Happy Birthday to you, Lemon!

Teaser:

Her initial reaction to him was fear.  In hindsight it shouldn't have been.  However, try pulling laundry down from the line and coming face to face with a man you've never seen before, and then realizing that there is something different enough about him to make you certain he shouldn't exist.  She guessed most people would have reacted far worse than she had.  In all fairness, his reaction to her wasn't exactly pleasant either.

“Oh, for crying out...” She tugged again on the comforter hanging on the clothesline which was refusing to come down.  It was too large for her bed and it was really too heavy for her to be hanging, but she had no other choice.  Tugging again, it finally came free, nearly suffocating her under all the fabric.  She struggled with it until it was at least folded enough to fit in the laundry basket and promptly dropped it.  Remaining stock still, not even wanting to blink, she stared at the tall man standing just across her yard.  He had long silver hair and what she swore were animal ears on the top of his head.  They twitched in her direction as if to confirm her thought.  He appeared equally startled to see her, as if he hadn't expected to find anyone this deep in the woods.

When he took a step in her direction, Kagome took several back, blindly reaching for anything to defend herself with.  She wasn't stupid, she knew the dangers of living in the wilderness on her own, she just hadn't had to utilize any of the preparations she'd made for such an occasion yet.  He seemed to know that she was afraid, not that it was hard to tell, and remained where he was.  She could tell that he was both curious about her and yet wary.  Finally latching onto the rifle leaning beside the tree at her right, she managed to lift it without her hands shaking, sighting down the barrel just as she'd been taught.  Unexpectedly, he snarled in her direction, disappearing in the blink of an eye.  Kagome felt her heart slowly calm from a racing flutter to a dull thud in her chest.  What...who on earth...Terra was that?  I've never seen anything like him!  Not wanting to risk another run in with the strange man or anyone else like him, she gathered up her laundry and bustled herself inside.

Making sure every door and window in the house was locked and pulling the shades herself, Kagome felt only slightly better.  She knew the house was resistant to being broken into by any traditional means, even fire-resistant to a certain point.  The house computer system already knew not to let anyone in that was not her, but she felt the need to remind it.  Just in case.  It replied with a soft “Understood Mistress.”  She hadn't been in the house long enough for it to have imprinted on her so she had yet to convince it to call her by her name.

Coming to this planet had been a dream come true.  Hundreds of thousands of miles of open wilderness, no people, no cities, no pollution.  Also very little technology and even less help if she needed it.  Stop it.  You don't need help.  You're a big girl.  Her pep talk didn't have the desired effect.  The strange man had seemed as disconcerted as she was to find someone out this far.  She had to remember that there were other people out there even if she hadn't seen any since the Ranger dropped her off with her things over a week ago.  Not only were there other people, there were other species.

As this was her first real foray off the planet Earth, Kagome was fairly limited in her experience with other species from within their galaxy.  Space travel of any kind had only become even mildly affordable in the last few decades and it meant that most humans had yet to venture very far from home.  Like Kagome, many of them made the journey a one-way trip to one of the few terraformed planets that had yet to be inhabited.  Land was cheap, housing even cheaper, with the travel there marking the largest total on the budget.

Despite the fact that the planet was in fact owned by several companies from Earth, they chose not to put much into defending it or the people that chose to immigrate there.  The Rangers, a combination of sheriff, magistrate and tour guide, were the only direct connection to anyone off-world.  Kagome had received a few messages from her mother and brother back on Earth and been able to send some in return, but they took days to transfer so it was somewhat like playing the worst game of telephone tag ever.  Kagome missed her family a lot, especially now that she was finally coming face-to-face with the danger she could be in out here on her own.  “This was my choice.  Freedom, space and fresh air,” she reminded herself aloud.

The rest of the day went by quietly, nothing setting off any alarms and no noises to make her nervous.  Kagome knew better than to assume that meant there wasn't anything out there at all, but it at least made her feel better that the man hadn't returned.  Dinner was a pot of stew using vegetables grown in her hydroponics unit.  They would be planted in the garden in a few days so she wanted to harvest as much as she could before putting them outside where they might die or get eaten by the local critters.

~~~~~

He didn't know why he was surprised by her reaction.  He knew better than to approach humans when they were alone.  Humans were relatively new out in the galaxy, inexperienced with meeting other races from the various inhabited worlds.  Her little house had been empty for the months since he'd arrived, so he hadn't expected to find anyone there.  Helen hadn't said a word about the owner coming, but maybe she hadn't known either.  Inuyasha shook his head as he lurked in the woods just beyond the edge of what seemed to be her property.  His most interesting and nonjudgmental conversation partner was a house computer.  Right now she was his only conversation partner.  But now this woman...  She was locked up tight in her house with all the blinds shut.  He couldn't really blame her, at least not now that he'd calmed down.  He couldn't be absolutely sure just off the initial scent, but he was guessing she was out here alone.  A lone human woman in the wilderness of a newly terraformed planet had every right to be jumpy.  She'd probably never seen an alien life form before.  Inuyasha snorted to himself.  Certainly nothing like me.  I've seen dozens of species and no one looks like me. She was probably terrified.  Of course, he hadn't smelled terror either.  Surprise, certainly.  Curiosity, confusion and determination.  She was going to protect herself.  He couldn't begrudge her that either, especially if she really was on her own.

To say he was intrigued was an understatement.  A woman who was brave enough to come from who knew where to a fairly new and wild planet all alone gained a few points in his book.  That she could and was willing to defend herself on top of that was another plus.  Too many times he had seen women, even ones that came with mates, that ventured out into the edges of the galaxy and perished because they didn't take the precautions they should have.  Inuyasha sighed, still watching the house.  It pained him to see the terrible things that happened to good people because some scumbag wanted an easier way to make some money or was so twisted they delighted in other people’s suffering.  That won't happen to her.  I won't let anyone get this one.  He flinched at the direction of his own thoughts, surprised by the easy dedication to her protection.

“Don't get roped in, stupid,” he muttered to himself.  He didn't want to see anything happen to her, sure, but he wasn't about to tie himself down to guard duty on a woman who would sooner draw a pulse rifle on him than speak to him.  With a rough growl, he headed back out into the wilds in search of dinner.  There were some animals he still wasn't sure were edible, but he knew the wild poultry he could hear rustling in the bushes a few meters away were good eating and easy prey.  Dispatching both of them fairly quickly, he cleaned them up before leaving one as a sort of peace offering on the woman's doorstep and taking the other home.  So much for not getting roped in...

@lemonlushff , @fantastiqueparfait , @heavenin--hell, @clearwillow , @mamabearcat , @thunderpo , @keichanz , @meggz0rz , @disgruntledbeast , @sarah-writes-stories , @zelink-inukag , @rikareena​ , @cammysansstuff​ , @mcornilliac , @redflamesofpassion , @superpixie42 , @underwater0phelia​, @cstorm86​ , @noviceotakus-blog​ , @lavendertwilight89​ , @hinezumi​ , @wenchster​, @hnnwnchstr​ , @lady-dark-69 , @itzatakahashi​ , @juliatheanimelover7​ , @kazeinori​, @theinuyashareader​, @inupotter​, @eternalnight8806-3​ , @smmahamazing​ , @willowandfog​, @gaysonthefloor​, @sistasecbhere​, @jennybean91​ 

[hermitcake]

could i maybe get some sfw strian headcanons? (fluff and angst are both good!)

okay fun fact, I'm pretty sure it was your headcanons for them that got me to ship strian in the first place if I'm remembering correctly!

they're silly on their own, but together they really form the ultimate chaotic no braincells squad

they dare each other to do stupid things and bet with each other, the winner gets many kisses and probably diamonds

they're both really into physical affection - they'll hold hands constantly, give little smooches, rest head on the other's shoulders etc

Stress will wear high hills sometimes specifically to spite Grian by being taller than him

jokes on her, Grian wears even higher ones the next day and doesn't shut up about it

it probably ends with a sprained ankle let's be real

if Stress is not present when Grian is doing something reckless as he usually does she'll act huffy about and lecture him about safety

then do the exact same thing, but BETTER

Grian is amazed by how stress takes care of so many villagers, he has only one son and can barely manage, and said son doesn't even live with him anymore

they both are chicken nerds, I imagine they'd just share pictures of pretty chickens of rare breeds and tips on how to provide entertainment for them

Stress is a big fan of poultry man, the running joke is that she's the only one who geniuenly doesn't know it's Grian behind the mask

Grian's favorite sound in the world is Stress laughing, and boy does she laugh a lot when he's around

and now, angst time >:}

Stress is very emotional and often will have breakdowns over small things, Grian has no idea how to deal with it and often just becomes distant or tries to turn it all into a joke which only makes things worse

Grian gets so absorbed by the build off he doesn't have time for Stress at all, and to her missing someone who's physically only a couple meters above her is the worst feeling

as a revenge she then flirts with Ren, to which Grian also flirts with Ren-

Grian basically dares Stress to do the Demise challenges and she trusts him, then she blames him for her death and is angry

not wanting to hurt her boyfriend, she freezes herself in ice to cool down

Grian doesn't know when she'll come back and is going crazy, he feels really guilty and wishes he could just talk to Stress

he often comes to her base and sits by the glacier and just talks, apologizing to Stress, telling her how his day was, sharing deep thoughts he never thought he'd talk about with anyone

little does he know Stress will later remember this vaguely, kinda like it was all a dream

what we learned from this exercise is that I'm terrible at writing angst lmao sorry

[airlock]

so, folks, having put a great deal of time into staring at the dining hall menu on Fire Emblem: Three houses, I decided to attempt a fun little exercise: what if I set about putting together a list of what my dislikes, neutrals and likes from the list would be if I were attending Garreg Mach?

and see... due to my presently undiagnosed neurodivergence, I have a hypersensitive palate, as well as a hypersensitivity to textures. I have been described by sufficiently rude people as “difficult to feed”. if y’all have seen and remember that one post where you tally up everything you would eat and get a higher score the less of a picky eater you are, well, I scored like a two or a four on that. so, y’know... this is going to be fun y’all

The Wretched Food Sins (dislikes)

Beast Meat Teppanyaki, Pickled Rabbit Skewers, Gronder Meat Skewers, Garreg Mach Meat Pie

see, I’m just going to get this one out of the way immediately: I don’t like red meat. when I tell people that, their first assumption is usually that I’m a vegan or avoiding the shitload of growth hormones or whatever, but no, I still eat some other types of meat and health is obviously not a priority in my diet; I just find that red meat tastes and feels something awful. we clear? we clear.

Onion Gratin Soup

(Onions stewed with white trout and baked with a layer of cheese on top. Will warm you up from the inside out.)

onions I’m also not very fond of. when they’re used for flavor, they’re normally used in small enough amounts to be safely ignored, but here it seems that the idea is to eat whole baked onions off a soup, like... is that a thing that human people do with the single lives that they have??

Country-Style Red Turnip Plate

(A balanced meal including red turnip and verona stew, red turnip salad, and sautéed red turnip with garlic.)

just not sure about this one; I mean, it’s not that I actually recall ever eating a turnip, or that a “verona” is a real vegetable that I can compare to any extant thing... I just don’t think I’ve ever had a good time attempting to eat a plateful of vegetables and I don’t have much faith that the monastery cantina is breaking new ground there

Vegetable Stir-Fry

(A dish of dried tomatoes, cabbage, chickpeas and other vegetables, stir-fried with egg. Nutritious and very filling.)

I might just be mixing up terms, but if I understand correctly, I’ve never heard of stir-frying before. it sounds like a cool thing, though! I do love the the idea of using egg as a base for this, too! it’s a pity that they then proceed to pick nothing but ass ingredients for the entire rest of this particular recipe

Fish and Bean Soup

(A soup made by simmering white trout and chickpeas. A simple yet wholesome dish.)

sorry, head chef, beans are a horrific mouthfeel and you cannot and will not convince me that a dish featuring them is uwu wholesome

Pickled Seafood and Vegetables

(A Dagdan dish of raw fish and turns pickled in a vinegar-based seasoning liquid. Rarely eaten in Fódlan.)

so, I’ve actually had the idea for this post quite a ways ago, and one of the very first things I had in mind was the precise burn I was going to deliver unto the smell of vinegar. right? thing is, it’s been so long since then that the anedocte I was going to use as a delivery vector for that burn has since taken a dark turn. it won’t really be worth the while to unpack it at this point, so I’ll just skip to the punchline: the smell of vinegar is indistinguishable from the smell of dog piss

Cabbage and Herring Stew

(Cabbage and Albinean Herring stewed whole. The fish guts lend this hearty dish a superbly bitter kick.)

ew, what the hell? what sort of florida man recipe is this? “oh, let’s stew some fish, but make sure the entirety of its intestines are stewing in there so that the final product can punch you in the mouth with bitterness”. what? who’s that supposed to appeal to? I can understand this being one of Hubert’s favorite meals but why would absolutely anyone else do this to themselves? and it’s with this demon fodder here that we finish the hell section on an absolutely burning note and proceed to...

The Purgatory of Eh, I Guess, Maybe (neutral)

Pheasant Roast with Berry Sauce

(Well-roasted Fódlan pheasant drizzled with a berry reduction sauce.)

we’re getting somewhere; poultry is like, 80% of the protein in my diet, and sweetness is precisely the only flavor I can tolerate in major excess. alas, in gastronomy, one plus one doesn’t always make two; I’m not sure this combination here works or just clashes frontally

Vegetable Pasta Salad

(Pasta with a blend of fresh vegetables from various regions of Fódlan. This popular dish sells out almost instantly.)

we’re out of the hated food list, but that doesn’t mean you’re safe yet from listening to me maw about foods that are supposed to be super common!

you know how I prefer to take my pasta? over water, butter or olive oil with absolutely no sauce. additional seasoning also needs not apply, although salt is welcome. fun fact: my ideal instant noodle is cooked with only a small amount of flavoring powder. so yeah, there you have it, that’s the “hey guys I eat bread with nothing in it and have a good time” moment of the jour

but back to the point -- how does this particular pasta measure up? well, I took a look at the in-game model of it and it appears to pass the most important bar: no sauce -- or, at least, if there was any, it was thick and yellow and it made a fool of me. anyways, I might not particularly dig some of the vegetables thrust into the pasta here, but the beauty of it is that I can probably pick and choose which ones I will actually eat, which makes this a solid ehhh it’s solvable

Fruit and Herring Tart

(A baked tart with stewed herring and Noa fruit mixed into the batter. Popular in Enbarr, the Imperial Capital.)

again, I don’t object to the components but I’m not sure about it all adds together. is that a real thing, like, putting a god damn fish into your fruit pie mix?

Fish Sandwich

(A simple dish. Airmid Cabbage is pickled in vinegar and served with cabbage between two slices of bread.)

a fish sandwich plain and simple, I would happily chow down; fish is the other one of my acceptable meats, after all. thing is, as non-domestic sandwiches usually do, this one comes with a bunch of add-ons that I absolutely do not want and it’s hard to tell how much can be salvaged. like, there’s old man vinegar/piss again, and besides, I swear I’ve eaten leaves off the ground that had better texture than cabbage. so, like, can we go even simpler, head chef? bread, fish, and no wicked ideas?

Spicy Fish and Turnip Stew

(Spicy stew made with Teutates loach and turnips. The monastery’s unique recipe features spices from Dagda.)

come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever eaten a stew. if it’s very much like a soup, then it might have as much of an annoying texture as one, but if it’s just a soggy filet, then that might work out. anyway, between that and the non-specification of what those spices from Dagda are intended to do with the recipe, I’d have to taste it to believe it

Super-Spicy Fish Dango

(A light snack, popular in the Empire. Small, spicy balls of fried dough packed with white trout and dried tomato.)

ugh, that was so close. fried dough and fish sounds AMAZING, it really does. but the first strike here is “super-spicy”; I did mention having a hypersensitive palate, yes? now add that to the fact that I’m white. the real crushing sin here, however, is the inclusion of fucking tomato. we were so close to greatness! we were this close! anyways, depending on how exactly the dried tomato is meant to be implemented here, it might be possible to just pull it out with a fork and accept the mouth-hurting substances in a bid to have a good time anyway

Sweet and Salty Whitefish Sauté

(Whitefish is coated in spices and sautéed with dried tomatoes to bring out an addictive salty-sweet flavor.)

tomatoes again! seriously, you creeps keep throwing that in with one of my sole acceptable approaches to meat! although fortunately, I gather that, with this one, the goal is not for the tomatoes to be eaten, just popped on the juice that this fish is jumping around in while it roasts, so maybe there’s salvation for it yet... I do want to find out whatever in the world an “addictive salty-sweet flavor” is supposed to mean, admittedly

Sautéed Pheasant and Eggs

(Thin slices of bird meat and shredded cabbage, mixed with scrambled eggs and sautéed with spices. Invention of a certain noble.)

again, we broke it right at the finish line. I like the idea of a pile of chicken strips and scrambled eggs; would have some fun digging through it and all. alas, Alfred von Certain Noble had to go and throw cabbage into the mix. at least, maybe, if it’s shredded, then the awful texture is eliminated and that makes it straight-up just eating some leaf? it might be sufficiently non-intrusive

Gautier Cheese Gratin

(A gratin of bird meat topped with heaps of Gautier cheese, which is famous for its low fat content. It has a unique flavor.)

I... do I want to know what “unique flavor” this is? because chicken gratined with cheese sounds good, but you could potentially go wrong with the type of cheese, and the fact that this apparently counts as a bitter dish doesn’t leave me particularly hopeful...

Small Fish Skewers

(Made by grilling skewered Airmid gobies. With a muddy flavor and dry texture, this dish is beloved by few.)

okay, yeah, “muddy flavor and dry texture” isn’t exactly the sales pitch of the year, but these sound like reasonably ignorable things in favor of what would just be grilled fish on a skewer with no more of those terrible nonsense ideas like adding some fucking tomato

Fried Crayfish

(Fried and breaded Caledonian crayfish. Looks much tastier than it actually is.)

looks are all we have to go by here, but besides that, intsys, you’ll have a lot of labor to do if you want to convince me that a fried and breaded anything isn’t good if it’s not, like, inherently ass as an ingredient. what keeps this one from reaching the heavens is most likely not the taste or the feel itself, but mostly just the fact that I’m probably allergic to shrimp

The Blessed And Divine (likes)

Saghert and Cream

(A baked confection coated with Noa fruit cream and a currant reduction, often enjoyed as a dessert at family gatherings.)

first, I have to get this much out of the way: does anyone know what the hell a saghert even is? cursory searching has only led me to results about Fire Emblem, so it might be a made-up word altogether...

... that said, the aforementioned cursory searching has also brought me to this blog where I got to see someone’s idea of what the thing would be in real life, and the result is definitely something I’d want in my mouth, stomach, and soul, so there we go!

Sweet Bun Trio

(Traditional pastries from Faerghus, known for their subtle sweetness. The dough is made with eggs and sugar.)

is this supposed to be like sweetbread or like, dumplings, which might actually be made with eggs and sugar...? oh, who am I kidding, I’d scarf the hell out of either one. and hey, no need to be subtle with the sweetness, either!

Peach Sorbet

(A sorbet made with thin slides of magically frozen peach, dusted with bean flour.)

o, ice cream... I have a rather layered relationship with that one. I’m never one to turn down plain desserts, least of all when tradition also permits me to dump six layers of whatever the hell else to (sweetly) spice it up, but the hypersensitivity in my mouth also extends to temperatures, and ice cream is normally and understandably served in very low ones. I usually try eating when it’s, like, nearly melting or already melting... but is that even on the table if we’re talking about pre-refrigeration ice cream made with very strangely applied magic? thoughts to mull over. but I won’t let them get in the way of yum, ice cream

Daphnel Stew

(Minced poultry and onions boiled with salt. The simple recipe lets high-quality ingredients speak for themselves.)

simplicity goes a long way, as usual! again, I have no idea how a stew tastes, but again, poultry is pretty much the backbone of my diet, and I suppose it doesn’t sound objectionable to take it soaked in saltwater. at least, if I’m presuming that the onions are there for flavoring the stock and not once more for the absurd suggestion that I should be eating them whole

Deirdriu-Style Fried Pheasant

(Pheasant meat pounded flat and fried. Can be served as a sort of sandwich, with cheese between two strips of meat.)

holy shit this sounds great. like, I want this in real life, especially the whole pseudo-sandwich arrangement. I’m optimistically assuming that we’re picking a decent type of cheese and not, like, cheddar, but that's really the only possible stumbling block

Grilled Herring

(Herring caught off the coast of Albinea, shredded and grilled in an earthenware pot with sliced turnips.)

I’ve expressed not being familiar with the taste of turnips, but even if I hate those too, it sounds like it’s pretty easy to ignore them here in favor of what’s just some shredded and grilled fish, which hits the spot

Fisherman’s Bounty

(Freshly-caught fish are cut into chunks and stewed together to make this hearty dish.)

right, so I’m not actually 100% sure about this one, if only because the model of the dish appears to contain some unidentifiable bits of disgusting red whatever, but if the description alone covers it, this just seems to be plain and nice

Two-Fish Sauté

(Two types of fish are cut into strips and sautéed in butter. This lavish meal hails from Enbarr, the Imperial Capital.)

and this sounds similarly plain and nice, but also even better, because the sautéeing in butter sounds like a great addition. now we’re finally on the right track with regards to fish meals! keep the red devil testicle fruits away from those!

Bourgeois Pike

(A gourmet dish with Airmid Pike, vegetables, and a sprinkle of expensive spices. Popular among nobles.)

the punchline writes itself, doesn’t it? but don’t get me wrong -- while I haven’t grown up wanting for money, being bourgeoisie is just what my family wishes were the case.

as for the meal itself: the in-game model appears to be just fish filet, served without any gross sauce, so I’ll happily take it, as long as this “sprinkle of expensive spices” isn’t doing anything too janky in there. ... but hey, most expensive things exist primarily for the purpose of being janky, so maybe I’m being too optimistic

Sautéed Jerky

(Jerky aged in the monastery and sautéed for a delightfully salty flavor. A perfect snack to go with your favorite drink.)

my first instinct was to throw this right onto the undesirable meat section because it’s jerky, but apparently, this is poultry jerky? I’ve never heard of such a thing existing, but I need to try it sometime. for now, I’ll just assume it’s as good as it sounds

so, there you have it! it seems that quite a bit more of this menu is edible than I would have expected? or perhaps I’m just being very optimistic, since I’m not face-to-face with whatever offputting smells and textures I could potentially be dealing with here