#also for some reason lately i’ve been hyper aware constantly of like

[parasolids]

i’m like sisyphus except the boulder is basic biological functioning

[elysianslove]

character studies; haikyuu boys

requested by anon(s); character studies for haikyuu boys that had been requested for my 1k Event around a month back! sorry for making you bbys wait so long :(

characters; hoshiumi kōrai, kuroo tetsurō, kageyama tobio, daishō suguru, daichi sawamura, asahi azumane, miya atsumu, kita shinsuke, iwaizumi hajime

synopsis;

the character’s general personality 

the character’s general motivation 

the character’s motivation towards you 

the character’s love language 

the character’s preferred dates 

what kissing the character feels like

what being with the character feels like 

genre; fluff

warnings; just some curse words!

notes; if you’re interested in other characters, check out my masterlist! :) if you requested for a jujutsu kaisen character and i haven’t written for them yet, don’t worry, i will! 

HOSHIUMI KŌRAI 

hoshiumi’s general personality; there isn’t enough of this cutie honestly :( but honestly, the more i read of his personality and see of him in manga panels, the more i love him. i hope i can put this in words: hoshiumi is scarily skilled, in the sense that when you watch him, you’re not intimidated by him, but rather, in awe. you can visibly see all the effort he’d put into honing his skills whenever you watch him play. especially because he’s so quiet and concentrated during games, making him a completely different person on court. as a person, i see him as being extremely reliable and having a really strong, but quiet presence. so that when you’re around him, he doesn’t have to speak to let himself be known, you know? also! i remember him being really offended when an interviewer commented about how good of a player he is despite his height, and i honestly understand it. no matter what he does, he’s constantly being reduced to just his height, and how that influences everything, but there’s so much more to him than that. of course, his reasoning behind joining volleyball and becoming one of the best in japan is a little silly, but he is driven in general, and very determined. but i also don’t think he’s smug or overly confident or arrogant about his skills, even if he should because of the ladder he’d had to climb to get to where he is. he’s confident, of course, but he’s not annoyingly so. he won’t rub it in anyone’s face, because he has peace with it, in a way? like he himself is aware of it, so there’s no need to get that constant validation from others. like i said, him on court and him off court are two different people: so yes, he does love being showered in appreciation and attention, but for him, not for his volleyball self. he knows he’s good at volleyball, but appreciate him for more than that, for more than being so good despite being short; appreciate him for being caring, for being diligent and hard-working, for being a constant, reassuring and uplifting presence in everyone’s life. as i mention in the motivation section, i think hoshiumi is a very curious individual, in the sense that he’s always looking for adventure, always looking for something to catch his eye, snatch away his attention, to leave him in awe, to leave him breathless and exhilarated. i don’t think he’s an adrenaline junkie, after having said that, but i do think he’s in love with spontaneity. 

motivation; i think hoshiumi’s motivation is very simple, and it’s to better himself. to not have his inspiration and drive rely solely on to be a better version of his brother, to be better than his brother in general, but rather improve so that he can hone his own skills, so he can wow everyone around him, to be given the title of best spiker without a single comment on his height, to the best, regardless. to be the best just because he is the best. towards you, it would probably be his curiosity. like i mentioned above, i see him as really curious, so he watches you from afar, observes you, wondering how much more there is to you, wanting to learn more about you. he wants to learn of your interests and hobbies, whether they align with his or not, whether he can give you all you want or not. 

hoshiumi’s love language; physical touch and acts of service. despite what i initially thought, i don’t think he’d be too into pda. he won’t mind kissing you in front of others, of course, because there is a little part of him that’s incredibly smug about being your partner. but then again, he prefers things like holding onto your hand, or linking your pinkies together, or piggy back rides. he loves to constantly be helping you somehow, and also consecutively feed into his ego a lil, so he’ll constantly be carrying your things for you, helping you cook by cutting up vegetables, or handing you ingredients, or helping you renovate your room at three in the morning. he really likes the little things that build up to shape domesticity between the two of you, but loudly, you know? as in the love he has for you is well-known: he’ll proudly wear your scrunchie on his wrist, or let you do a little make up on him and walk around with it. he’d tattoo your name on his forehead if he could. 

hoshiumi’s preferred dates; the beach, hiking, theme parks, staying in and playing physically active games like twister, fast food drive throughs 

kissing hoshiumi; really playful, and a little giggly too. it’s not silly kissing, it’s serene, but it leaves you feeling all bubbly in the way he wraps his arms around your neck and pushes you to him like you’re the only one that matters in this world 

what being with hoshiumi feels like; baking with someone and making a mess with the ingredients, but you can’t stop laughing 

KUROO TETSURŌ

kuroo’s general personality; oh boy here we go. okay so we all know provocative, smug, cheeky kuroo, yeah? and i firmly believe that yes, that really a part of his personality. there is a part of him that really is like that. a person’s personality is never black and white, and that’s exactly the case with kuroo: there’s a lot to him. it’s not just that at first glance he seems intimidating and scarily attractive, he is. but i think there’s a reason for that, and in a way, it’s a coping mechanism. kuroo is, deep down, a huge dork, and a really big nerd. but like i said, there’s nothing wrong with being both that and a little bit of an asshole sometimes. it’s just that i think there’s a reason that other part of his personality developed, and it’s a way to protect himself, you know? i’m pretty sure it’s canon that kuroo’s parents didn’t entirely get along, and it’s really easy to feel alone in situations like that, so that really suave and attractive and charming part of him developed so that he can attract people to him, so that he can have this pulling effect on others. it makes you want to spend time with him, lose yourself to the hours with him. that doesn’t mean kuroo tries to hold back his nerdy side, or that he’s ashamed of his funnier, dorkier side. if anything, i think he’s pretty confident in both sides of him. because just as that ‘cool’ side of him is dazzling, the louder, cheekier side of him is pretty charming too. on a completely separate note, i think kuroo cares, oh he cares so much. his heart is too big, if i’m being honest. he wants his friends to succeed, wants to see them be their best, is always pushing them to be better. he means it, he really does. he won’t say it out loud, but if you need him, he’s staying up extra hours for you, getting you your favorite snacks, being extra touchy on a day he notices you’re upset. he’s very aware of everyone’s emotions around him, and that might be because of his parents too, in which he’s become really hyper aware of any telltale signs, you know? all that being said, pair him with bokuto and he’s a crackhead

motivation; i honestly think kuroo always puts people above himself. i can’t explain why, but i just know that he does. make sure my friends are okay, then i’ll check on myself. push my friends to do better, and then work on motivating myself. watch my friends succeed before i look at how far i’ve come. being so proud of his friends, before he realizes how proud he is of himself too. so, in turn, his motivation would be the people around him. he thrives on communication and socializing and having strong, close connections and relationships with people. that is his main motivation. in regards to you, it’s a little different. i mentioned in one of my headcanons for him that he’s really suave and cool around everyone except his crush, and i stand by that, honestly. the only way to rid himself of that nervousness and endless amount of butterflies in his stomach would be to confess to you, removing that weight off of him. also you’re like, really pretty lol

kuroo’s love language; very touchy, very, very touchy, so it’s definitely physical affection and physical touch, with possibly acts of service. acts of service in that he notices when you stay up late to help him practice, or his own willingness to stay with you as you power through an all-nighter, or just silently knowing right away what either of you need without having to speak. he loves, loves, loves pda. he will make out with you in public, he doesn’t care, nothing can stop him. likes to have his arm around you constantly, or does that stupid thing where he puts his hand in your back pocket, or approaching you from behind and and hugging you and kissing all over your neck even if you’re in the middle of a conversation with someone

kuroo’s preferred dates; literally anything they’re all fun with him. fancy dinners or diner visits, movie dates at the cinema or at home, arcade visits, walks at the park, the beach

kissing kuroo; oh it’s breathtaking. it’s always really passionate, and always has you gripping at his shirt at the way he forces your heart into your throat, or the way he has your stomach flipping at the small gasps he lets out when he kisses you open mouthed, which happens more often than not

what being with kuroo feels like; like hugging someone you haven’t seen in years, where your arms are thrown around them tightly and they hold you to them and your heart is about to burst from your chest 

KAGEYAMA TOBIO 

kageyama’s general personality; the most misunderstood character :( he is not just an angry boy >:( he is just really, really passionate, especially about volleyball, and he wants other people to try and share that passion with him. he’s just really bad at expressing his feelings, and communicating with other people. like all it is is that kageyama loves volleyball, and he takes it very seriously, and when other people don’t, he takes slight offense to that, because in his eyes it just seems after they’re discarding or mocking the sport. that annoyance translates wrong into anger, but the place it originates from really is just pure. have you seen how happy volleyball makes him? he’s not a bad person, not by a long shot. and his character development too! it wasn’t that he wasn’t willing to communicate, it was that people weren’t willing to try with him. they took him for what he seemed like, not what he truly is. when he joined karasuno, they allowed him space to properly express himself, and they introduced him to what became a family to him. he learned to trust, learned to communicate. he’s not a bad person!! he’s just!!! a kid!!! he learns, slowly but surely, and he changes, for the better. okay but, completely different thing to mention. kageyama’s good at volleyball. no, he’s good. and he knows he is. he’s not really smug about it, but it’s not like his confidence is misplaced. he’s just aware of his skills, but he’s also aware of his flaws, and as he grows as a person, he’s more willing to take a step back and look and observe himself, to better himself as a player. i also think kags is insanely determined. like that episode where he studied his ass off just so he could pass and barely made it to the tokyo training camp? how does that directly translate into determination? he really is willing to put his all and more to improve, to play, to the best. 

motivation; like i mentioned above, it’s definitely to become improve himself. it’s not that he’s never satisfied with how he is or his skills, it’s more that he’s sure there’s still more space for him to better himself, that this isn’t all that he’s capable of and that he can do better, that he can be better. like i said, it’s not that he puts himself down about not being enough, on the contrary; he believes that he’s one of the best, but that’s not his limit, there’s more to him, there’s more for him to explore. towards you is a little bit trickier, honestly. he honestly wouldn’t even know he has a crush on you until one of his upperclassmen noticed his reactions towards you, and they confront him about him to which he responds ‘oh, so that’s what that is?’ like he really is so clueless. i don’t think he’d have a full on motivation with you, he just wants to be around you, because he finds that he kind of does enjoy the feeling he experiences when he’s around you. it’s really as simple as that 

kageyama’s love language; acts of service, absolutely, and, privately, physical touch. it’s not that he won’t hold your hand if you slip it in his, or he won’t return your kiss if you do kiss him in public, but it’s more of you’re the one that usually initiates these things. but! that does not mean kageyama isn’t touchy. he really is, a hundred and ten percent, touch starved. look at him! please! he is craving your touch almost always, he just doesn’t like initiating it in public, and occasionally he’ll take the initiative at home. but please, hug him, hold him, cuddle him, grasp his hand for hours, kiss all over his face. he absolutely adores it. and he shows his love better, takes initiative of it more, when it comes to giving. one of my headcanons for him i mentioned that whenever he gets milk from the vending machine, he gets you your favorite snack too, just because in his head he’s like ‘oh, they’d like that.’ it’s things like that with kags. 

kageyama’s preferred dates; don’t do anything involving competitiveness he will go crazy. but things like carnival dates, or diner visits, or ice skating, or stargazing 

kissing kageyama; really soft and sweet. it’s very timid and careful and cautious, but he always kisses you fully on the lips, his eyes fluttering shit, his hand coming to rest at the base of your throat, slightly on your chest

what being with kageyama feels like; falling asleep on the beach, sunburnt, with sand and salt on your skin, your body warm but the breeze cool 

DAISHŌ SUGURU

daishō’s general personality; i feel like all the haikyuu boys have so much more to them than what seems as a front. like our introduction to suguru was him being this snake-like, manipulative character. i mean nearly all his and his teammates tactics against nekoma were related to manipulation. but why is he inclined to that trait? i don’t know much about canon him, but i like to think that he was kind of in the shadow when he was younger, and the only way he could’ve gotten people to listen or pay attention to him was being this unlikeable and intimidating character. but canon-wise, i think just as his manipulativeness is his strength, it’s also his weakness, and i also think he’s really aware of that, and he knows this tactic has its faults. i also don’t think he’s insanely determined, because yeah he was upset after the match with nekoma, but it wasn’t earth-shattering. from what i’ve seen with his interactions with mika, though, i think he’s very loving, deep down, and very subtly. he doesn’t show it outwardly, but you can see the way he looks at her, the way he gets so proud whenever she remembers something about volleyball. i don’t think he’s a bad person, per se, because at the end of the day, this is also seventeen, eighteen year old suguru, and there’s so much space for him to grow out of this. i think it’s more that he’s the type of person to prefer the easy way out, so he relies on things like getting on the referee’s good side. it could also be that he’s aware of his downfalls so he wants to have anything to his and his team’s advantage, you know? it’s not to say he doesn’t put in effort, because i still think he does, or even that he’s lazy, but it’s more that he wants something and he has a way of getting it that’s faster for him, you know? like i said, i don’t think he’s a bad person, at all. everybody has their flaws, and i think all the haikyuu boys have their own, it’s just that suguru’s is more explicit.

motivation; so like i mentioned how he likes the easy way out, i think suguru’s motivation would be to have high achievements. he seems like an insatiable person, one that always wants more, and more, and more, so he’s always climbing up higher. but also, even though he’s insatiable, he kinda? gives up easily? or not that he gives up easily, it’s more that he’s okay with a loss, or that he accepts defeat relatively easy with a shrug, as in “there’ll be more opportunities, it’s not the end of the world.” towards you, suguru would probably want to have you as his s/o to prove to himself, or to prove to others, that’s capable or worthy of someone like you. it’s kind of sad in a way, because in his head you’re way out of his league, but he makes it seem as a front that you’re just barely worthy of him when he asks you out, simply as a defense mechanism. 

daishō love language; subtle acts of affection, 100%. you could see how happy he was to explain to mika all about volleyball, and how happy he was to know that she had been listening and actually putting in an effort to understand the sport that he likes. it’s things like that that really, really matter to him. listening intently when the other speaks of something they’re passionate about, remembering tiny details, like their favorite drink, or their go-to order at a restaurant, or something they’d mentioned in passing that they really wanted, or the way they prefer to sleep at night. that’s the way he expresses his love, definitely. 

daishō’s preferred dates; visiting movie theaters, staying in, late night strolls on the beach, clubs/parties

kissing daishō; really, really slow and lazy, kinda lewd as well, in that it’s shameless, and loud 

what being with daishō feels like; the feeling when you predict a plot twist in a movie or show correctly 

DAICHI SAWAMURA 

daichi’s general personality; dad. what a dad. such a Dad. dadchi sawamura. i think it’s very obvious that he’s a very mature character, and he easily fits in the role of a leader. i think him being captain is perfect, because he leads the team perfectly, and he knows all his teammates really well, and is able to respond to each of them correctly, knows how to motivate them perfectly. in that way, he’s a very, very reliable person. he’s someone you can lean on constantly, whenever, wherever. someone you can turn to knowing that your best interests are in their mind when he reaches out to give you advice. he’s someone that will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. he’s also not the type of person that considers the role of a leader and captain as a burden, not someone that thinks it’s a really big responsibility which he wishes can be taken off his shoulders from time to time. no, he appreciates the role, and takes it with all of its heavy weight. he’s really independent and mature in that sense. it’s not to say that he’s very stable constantly, because everyone has their moments, and although he really is unbothered by the responsibility, i think he constantly overthinks his decisions. maybe not so often, but it happens, because every decision he’s ever taken has impacted all of his teammates consecutively, you know? he has to think big, consider the big picture. but yeah, daichi is a very reliable and mature person. will it get annoying and will it have you begging him to loosen up every once in a while? maybe, but is he also very childish at times? yes. make sure to get it on camera though

motivation; much like kuroo, the fact that they’re both captains aside, he does everything for other people. it’s different though because kuroo puts other people above himself, but daichi thinks for everyone including himself. the only one with braincells. he thinks broadly, and considers all consequences for both himself, and for others. his motivation would probably be to see himself and everyone succeed and be their best, to see their efforts put into work, to be able to be incredibly proud of everything they’ve achieved. he really is such a dad. towards you, however, it’s a lot sweeter, and it’d be something like his infatuation with you. he’d want to be the reason for your happiness, wants to be yours, wants you to be all his. kinda possessive but like, in a sweet way. 

daichi’s love language; confessions and domestic acts. daichi is unafraid to let you know he loves you, regardless of who’s around, or where you two are. he’s super okay with wrapping his ams around you randomly and just pressing a kiss to your temple and going “i love you.” he doesn’t know why he does it so often, maybe every time he says it, it reassures him. domestic acts in how he’s so comfortable waking up next to you, or how when you sleep over at his house you still get up and make breakfast, or how even folding laundry together is fun. he finds huge comfort in being able to appreciate the most mundane things, like doing the dishes or cleaning around the house, can feel so serene and loving with you. 

daichi’s preferred dates; fancy dinners, mini golf, theme parks, road trips, driving up mountains 

kissing daichi; weirdly, it’s not soft as you’d expect, more rough and possessive. he always kisses you like someone is watching and he wants to show you off, to prove that you’re all his. 

what being with daichi feels like; listening to a love song and feeling nostalgic, even if you’ve never been in love 

ASAHI AZUMANE 

asahi’s general personality; oh i love this big teddy bear <3 that’s literally what he is. i absolutely adore the fact that he’s really intimidating physically, but his personality is the farthest thing from it; in fact, it’s the complete opposite. i have something important to include though!! in the same way asahi’s very fragile, especially his esteem, and the same way he guilts himself entirely and places the blame on himself whenever something goes wrong, he’s also very easily, and very steadily uplifted (as in, a win is a win, it’s sure and certain and it’s grounding), very easy to accept wins for everyone, not just take all the credit. when he spikes a ball and they score a point, it’s not a win for him, it’s a win for the entire team. that easily translates to asahi being a very giving and thoughtful person. he has a heart too big for him, and yes he’s an over-thinker, but that just means he’s mindful of others, very cautious and careful. although i think if you approach him with an issue, like you’re straight up sobbing, at first he’d be a little wary and anxious and awkward, i also believe he’d be exceptionally good at comforting someone after a few moments. his presence alone is comforting, but he knows if you need to be held or not, knows if you need to be listened to simply, or if you want advice as well, knows if you need comfort in food, or comfort in distraction. asahi just knows. and he’s definitely the one that uses that physical intimidation to his advantage when it comes to like, walking girls home, so that no one bothers them, or being in the same area as someone he knows that’s constantly bullied because just his figure alone scares them off. and my goodness, he’d definitely just subtly slide up beside a girl that he’s noticed is being eyed by men. he’s just... really pure. 

motivation; i think asahi’s motivation is a little more personal, and it’s probably to believe more in himself. it’s to put himself in situations where his skills are tested so that he can improve, to lessen of his fears, to lessen of his self-doubt, to grow more confident and sure of himself, you know? towards you, oh my god. asahi would never approach you. he really wants to, because he really likes you, has liked you for as long as he can remember, but he won’t approach you, unless one of his friends threatens to do it for him. that’d probably be it honestly: he just chooses to embarrass himself instead of having anyone else embarrass him. at least he has a little more control in that former option. 

asahi’s love language; he’s most definitely touch starved, so physical affection!!! he always wants to be touching you, even if it’s simple hand holding. he definitely links your pinkies together too! and honestly, i think he would like public displays of affection, even if it gets him really flustered. of course, don’t straight up make out with him in the middle of a public setting, but give him a little peck on his lips, or cheek kisses, or random hugs where you wrap your arms around his waist and rest your head on his chest and press a little kiss there too. also!!! forehead kisses!!!! he always, always gives those!!! 

asahi’s preferred dates; stargazing, beach picnics, park visits, nights in, any place he can dance with you to slow, serene music honestly

kissing asahi; it always makes you feel all warm inside, and always flutters the butterflies in your stomach. it’s not slow, nor is it fast, it’s just steady, but it’s pouring love and passion 

what being with asahi feels like; being the only one awake at home at a really late timing 

MIYA ATSUMU 

atsumu’s general personality; i’m sorry if i bore you guys because fair warning, this bout to be long as hell. unlike oikawa, who i think has this charming, intimidatingly skilled attitude as a front, i think atsumu’s personality is just expressed or comes off incorrectly. as in, for example, he’s really sensitive when it comes to carelessness in regards to volleyball, but it comes off as selfishness and rudeness, even though the origin of it all isn’t his want to be rude. it’s not that he doesn’t know how to express his feelings either, because i know that his feelings are loud, it’s just that he doesn’t know how to make it add up, in a way? i also think he’s self-centered, yes, but as a defense mechanism. this is gonna sound really sad but it’s more like, “i won’t give you a chance to make something awful to hate about me,” and something like, “i’m in control of why they hate me.” also, there’s no way that never affected him. maybe as a child, it didn’t really cross his thoughts, because he’s always had osamu anyways, and he couldn’t really make sense of it all, but as he grew older, the more it became clearer that he wasn’t entirely likable, and that really took a toll on him, worsening his attitude towards people. people aren’t rude for no reason, you know? there’s always a place it stemmed from. he takes refuge in that he’s good at volleyball. yeah he’s a piece of shit, but his setting? no one can top it. he has that, and he owns it, and no one can take it away from him. i think atsumu’s one of those people where, over the years, you can watch and see their light dim, in a way. like he’s not a depressed person or anything like that, he just becomes less and less... bright? angrier, irritable, less inclined to trust others and let them in, self conceited. it’s also probably a result of being left out or rejected by others. but the thing is, atsumu is all these things, but he’s also childlike, and so full of love. you can see the way he interacts on the court, his dynamic with his teammates, the way he reacts to kita’s ‘get well soon’ bag. he really is just a ball of sunshine, but it’s all cooped up inside. it’s been buried underneath a mountain of self destructive thoughts and negativity from others. i also consider him a very impulsive person, the type to never think twice before anything, but that can translate into spontaneity too! it’s both a positive and a negative thing. atsumu is also very, very trustworthy person. in short, atsumu is very cheery once around the right people, in the right setting, but he’s so quick to shift into intimidation if necessary. 

motivation; of course, just like osamu, atsumu’s main drive is his brother, whose been there since he was born. there’s no one he can rely on as much as osamu, regardless of their unbelievable competitiveness and their constant arguments. however, i think there’s a little more to atsumu. going off on what i mentioned above, volleyball is his safe haven. it’s something he can fall back on and be sure and certain of the safety net available. it’s not what makes him atsumu, but it’s a big part of him, a big part of shaping his personality, which is why i think constantly improving is atsumu’s other motivation. he can’t ever let himself go, you know? towards you, well, it was probably something really stupid honestly. you might have to play hard to get with atsumu, even though either way he’s gonna like it, but the chase? he adores it. 

atsumu’s love language; acts of service and physical affection. he’ll save your favorite go-to orders for every restaurant on his notes app, he’ll blow-dry your hair for you after a shower if you’re too lazy, he’ll learn hairstyles for you, he’ll hold your shirt down as you take off a sweater so it doesn’t ride up, he’ll make you try food he knows you’ll like, he stays up on facetime with you after recognizing the telltale signs of you being upset, he’ll go shopping with you, giving you a thumbs up, halfway, or down for each outfit, he’ll collect notes for you if you’re off from school, and so much more. that’s how atsumu expresses his love; that, and physical affection. always touching you somehow, someway, with his hand in yours, or on the back of your neck, or on the small of your back, or on your waist, slipping slightly beneath your shirt, or around your shoulder. and he’s always kissing you too, either on your cheek, or on your lips, or on your knuckles, or on your wrist, or your temple. and he’s always hugging you, and i mean always, you’ll have your head on his chest, or his chin tucked on your shoulder. atsumu doesn’t say i love you, he shows it. 

atsumu’s preferred dates; campfires at the beach, stargazing on a rooftop, waterparks, carnival visits (tries to win you everything but can’t do shit), bowling, drive throughs

kissing atsumu; really playful but always leaves you hot and bothered. he kisses like he’s trying to prove a point, which you can’t decide on, but it always leaves you a little breathless, a little dizzy, and even more in love with him

what being with atsumu feels like; leaving a movie theatre and slightly dissociating from reality 

KITA SHINSUKE 

kita’s general personality; omg i love!!! him!!! kita, as shown in the anime and manga, is a very methodical person. he does things the way he always does them, routinely, and he finds comfort in that. and he doesn’t do things for the end result, he finds satisfaction in the productivity he feels, in seeing his efforts play out, in it all adding up and building up to the end product. it’s not what’s produced that matters to him, it’s more what he did and went through to be able to produce such a thing or result. which is why i think kita really is confident in his skills, and that’s obvious and seen when he’s on court. it’s because he knows all he’s done and all the effort he’s put in to be where he is now, and he knows they’re not going to fail him, he’s sure of it. his efforts are his safety net. that relates to kita being reliable, and being everyone else’s safety net. he’s very similar to daichi in that he’s the glue that sticks the team together, the final puzzle piece that completes a set. he’s also exceptionally good at being a captain, not because he leads very well, which yes, of course he does, but he knows his teammates. he knows what they need to hear, and is unafraid of telling them so, knows how to handle them properly, individually, and as a group. he’s also insanely observant in that not only is he good at reading people and situations, but also at being aware of the position he stands in. he knows he’s not what could be considered a ‘genius’ at volleyball, but not only is he aware of that, he accepts it, and accepts it with grace too. he understands that not everyone is special, but that also everyone is special in their own way, and are built based off of what efforts they put. which ties into the fact that kita is really mature, making him a reliable presence. 

motivation; like i said, kita finds comfort in routine. he never truly has an end goal, just that whatever is achieved from what work he puts in he’ll believe is worth that. kita’s motivation is his everyday routines. it’s waking up, making his bed, making breakfast, cleaning around the house, or going to practice, putting in the work, staying after to clean. it’s the little moments that make up his entire day, that add it all up, that really matter, that really are his drive. for you, it would be a really simple “i want to be with them.” i don’t think kita would sugarcoat his feelings, or try to deny them with himself, even if yes, he will absolutely get flustered. his motivation towards you is literally just his desire and want to be with you. 

kita’s love language; everything, but subtly. you can see that kita loves you with the way his attention is entirely on you when you speak. you can see he loves you with how he moves your hair out of your face for you. you can see he loves you in the way he says good morning to you, a soft smile on his face, a gentle kiss pressed to your forehead. you can see he loves you in the way he twirls you in his arms when you slow dance with him in the kitchen. you can see he loves you in the way his eyes light up at the simple mention of you, or the fact that everyone is aware of his love for you, in that it’s not kita, but kita and you. kita loves you wholly, and he will say it if you need to hear it, if he wants to say it, but it’s blatantly obvious, spottable from a mile away, clear and bright as day. 

kita’s preferred dates; pottery making, art classes, drives around town, grocery shopping together, fancy dinners 

kissing kita; everything kita does is methodical except kissing. kissing is where he lets loose, allows himself to be a little more carefree, a little more daring. he always kisses you like he’s afraid of losing you, like you’ll disappear in mere seconds 

what being with kita feels like; being on vacation and waking up really early at a hotel

IWAIZUMI HAJIME 

iwaizumi’s general personality; iwa iwa iwa!!!!!! i know we all like to paint iwa in this mature light, like he’s the dad of the team, but the reality of it is iwaizumi’s just as much immature at times, it’s only that he’s the most responsible and least immature out of all of them. and he is! responsible that is. he really is, and he’s reliant too, but that doesn’t mean we should reduce his personality to ‘brat tamer of oikawa’ because, come on, there’s more to him than just that. iwaizumi loves, and he loves too much, loves too hard, he cares too much, cares too hard. his way of showing it is through violence, sure, and maybe he’ll be super aggressive when he finds out you’re not taking care of yourself, but will he go to the ends of the earth to make you feel better? yes, he absolutely will, no doubt, no hesitation in it at all. it might be a little bit of a flaw too, but when iwaizumi loves, he literally hands you his entire heart in your hands with the full expectation that you’ll take care of it. he strikes me as the type of person that always expects the best of people. he’s not naive, but he does always see the best in people rather than just immediately seeing the worst. i also don’t think he’s violence-prone, either. like yes, he will beat up his friends no questions asked, but he wouldn’t start a physical fight, nor would he provoke anyone to initiate one. the only exception is to protect or to defend his friends or loved ones. i feel like that’s a red line you shouldn’t cross with iwa, because he will abandon any inhibitions when it comes to them. friends and loved ones first, then anything else. so yes, like i said earlier, iwaizumi is responsible, he’s reliable, he’s strong and sturdy (i mean,,, both physically and conceptually ig), and he’s someone that you do not want to ever lose once he enters your life. not because he’ll hurt you or anything like that, but because the loss of him in your life is significant and it’s impactful. that’s not to say iwaizumi’s not an absolute child at times, considering he literally, canonically has a godzilla phone case 

motivation; honestly? i think iwaizumi does things,,, just to do them. like he gets satisfaction of course, from achieving certain things, like being one of the top aces, or from getting into a really good university, because of his good grades, from having a clear career path, from having the body that he does, from being where he is today in general, but he never had a direct motivation towards the actions that got these certain results. like sure he got into volleyball because it was a fun sport, his best friend was in it too, he got really good, he stayed, and sure he has really high grades, because he needs to, but why? he just does. he does things because he feels the need to achieve, you know? that’s his drive, essentially. the need to feel productive and satisfied with his achievements. towards you, however, it’s more serene. he wants to get to know you. that’s it. he’s genuinely just interested in you, in what you have to say, in your hobbies and interests, and your favorite movie, and your favorite song or artist, and your favorite color, what your aspirations are. iwaizumi just wants to know you. 

iwaizumi’s love language; domesticity and acts of service. iwaizumi will fall in love with you if you feel like home, if you give him that deep sense of comfort settling in his chest. yes he wants the rush of it all, of being in love, the excitement of loving someone, but he also wants the calmness that accompanies it, the sureness that tags along. he likes certainty, stability, you know? and his actions will always speak louder than words. every date he greets you with flowers, meets you in front of the school gates if he hasn’t walked you and greets you with a gentle kiss on the lips and a “good morning.” will he explicitly say “i miss you”? no, but he will appear at your window at three in the morning with a backpack filled with your favorite snacks and an extra hoodie for you to borrow. he loves you, he loves you widely and large, but you have to really know iwaizumi to recognize the pattern 

iwaizumi’s preferred dates; go-karting, late night drives, concerts, the beach (but at night, including swimming), picnics at sunrise 

kissing iwaizumi; i can fully see him being a little shy, especially at the beginning! his kisses start off really gentle, as if he’s afraid to break you, but overtime, they develop into possessive, and a little rough, kisses. still absolutely breathtaking though 

what being with iwaizumi feels like; being in an empty parking lot, with music seeping through your car’s speakers 

end note; this took me like three separate days omg. i really, really hope i didn’t miss anyone haikyuu requests for this past event. it’s closed now my loves, but maybe it’ll make a comeback soon! hold onto your request till then :)

excuse any mistakes made in this if there are! and thank you for reading! i hope you all enjoyed <3

[that-was-anticlimactic]

sk8 headcanons because i am Bored

autistic langa likes frozen fruit a lot—strawberries are his favorite—because he likes the cool texture

reki has lip freckles that really stand out after he’s been in the sun a lot ! there’s like four or five of them :)

just thinking about “all those friday nights / under the lights / under the bleachers together / you and i were meant to be something more than a faded memory / till you and i / something divided us” but matchablossom,,,

“but i’ve already lost it once / what i already won / i’ve lost too much now to care / but i know that something’s still there” ,,, matchablossom,,, ahhhhh

miya and shadow being besties,,, shadow being miya’s parental figure and miya being his adopted nb child,,,

shadow being the first person miya comes out as nonbinary to,,,

adam going to jail,,,

reki having a stuffed animal collection and letting miya name some and then realizing that miya never had a stuffed animal growing up so reki gives miya one of his older ones that he loved as a child and then buys them a new one too… and miya asks reki to name it for them because sentiments,,,

after seeing the girl he had a crush on kiss someone else, shadow takes out his feelings on the only thing he knows how to—skating at s but he’s not in a good mind and he feels sick because he thought he thought he thought he had a chance and he doesn’t pay close enough attention and gets hurt and miya calls him an idiot and patches him up and shadow feels like a kid again but it’s kind of nice to have someone else actually help with his wounds instead of just attempting to wash them and then cover them with makeup by himself,,,

joe and shadow bonding over hating the feeling of loneliness so they make up for it the only way they know how which is being loud and being extra because they don’t feel as lonely if they’re loud

reki, miya, and cherry = adhd club

cherry and reki drawing together… and reki teaching cherry how to be more loose and carefree when he draws and cherry teaching reki how to add more structure to his art,,,

langa stealing and wearing reki’s headbands,,,

langa with glasses

reki’s sisters doing cherry and joe’s hair,,, or even reki, langa, and miya doing their hair and shadow just watches and takes pictures and reki puts cherry’s hair in fishtails because he had practice with his sisters and cherry secretly likes it (and so does joe) and miya and langa just. completely messing up joe’s hair and putting hair clips in it and langa attempts a ponytail kind of like how cherry does his hair at s (and no cherry did Not find it very attractive shut up)

shadow being a scrapbooker and having like ten scrapbooks from his life,,,

shadow not being as good of an artist as cherry or reki but he does it because he enjoys it and when cherry and reki find out they invite him to draw with them

the crew / sk8 fam all going to shadow’s house and doing a couple scrapbook pages together and it’s a mess but it’s them and it’s one of shadow’s favorite pages because he’s never scrapbooked with anyone before

langa is just naturally beautiful and photogenic so the art squad always asks him to model for them if they want to draw people

joe has depression because i want him to

and shadow has anxiety

because i do Not want any of them to be neurotypical

yeah so joe has depression, shadow has anxiety, cherry has add and anxiety, miya had adhd and separation anxiety, langa is autistic, reki has tourette’s and adhd and depression ✌🏻

when miya gets old enough, shadow gets them a part time job at the flower shop

miya likes a lot of pillows

langa sleeps with no pillows (unless reki is partially his pillow)

thinking about after reki’s second beef with adam,,, joe after he tells adam off and they’re away from the crowd, he passes out because let’s be real—there is absolutely no way he didn’t get injured and the worse one is probably a broken nose and a huge gash at the back of his head with like skin peeling and stuff like need stitches so the gang all goes to cherry’s and they help patch reki up

somewhere in that time the love hotel gets brought up and by extension getting hit by the car and getting beat up and joe and shadow are on the verge of slamming their heads against the wall at reki’s nonchalantness

and reki’s p injured so he’s laying in the couch with his head resting in langa’s lap,,,

joe tells everyone embarrassing cherry stories from school like all the time (but joe was a foolish child so cherry gets revenge)

miya likes crime documentaries

joe unironically watched supernatural and that’s part of the reason why he and cherry broke up

(maybe joe just thought dean was attractive—sue him!)

lol wait what if cherry sued adam to pay for reki’s medical bills since they inevitably had to take him to the hospital

cherry constantly tells joe that he will sue him

joe may unironically watched spn, but cherry unironically watched glee

langa wrote destiel fanfiction once upon a time

langa wrote cas bakes dean a pie--

miya is carla’s favorite (after cherry)

cherry and langa with weighted blankets also

sometimes reki steals langa’s but only if he stays the night or langa brings it over and usually if he “steals” it, it’s them sharing it or reki needs the comfort of the weight if he’s not having a good time mentally lol

joe with depression,,, i just think about that a lot sometimes,,, sometimes cooking feels meaningless and, like langa, he only feels something when he skates but it’s only this temporary feeling of joy and life,,,

and shadow with anxiety,,, over-compensating his anxiety by being shadow at night and being over the top and sometimes mean because internalized ableism,,, and if he pretends he doesn’t have anxiety then maybe he won’t feel it late at night or when everything seems to go wrong during a shift at work and he keeps dropping flowers because his hands are shaking and girls don’t like guys with anxiety, right ??? so shadow thinks that he CAN’T have anxiety :/// poor dude

miya with separation anxiety pushing people away before they get attached because if they push them away before they become friends, then they wouldn’t be able to leave them,,,

langa always bouncing his foot in class and all the time because it’s his main form of stimming (look at that boy and try to tell me he doesn’t bounce his legs like there’s no tomorrow i dare you) and sometimes it makes his legs sore and cherry and joe once recommended using a heating pad if it got really sore and langa does sometimes and it makes him happy

reki with ts having anxiety when he has to speak in front of the class / do presentations because he’s hyper-aware of his tics,,, so he always meets langa’s eyes and watches langa the whole time and langa sometimes mimes taking deep breaths which really helps but honestly just seeing langa makes reki feel like he can do anything (because he would do anything for langa)

cherry doodling to stim as a child and always getting in trouble for it because teachers used to like get pissed when students doodled (or maybe they still do and it’s just always been pissy teachers and not specifically teachers when our parents were kids) and eventually cherry got fed up with getting points docked for doodling so he started writing lists and stuff and been realized he had impeccable handwriting (also joe let cherry doodle on his hand during classes they had together so cherry wouldn’t get in trouble)

cherry once had a dream that he was rachel berry and joe was finn uhh *insert last name here* from glee and joe had a beautiful voice when they sang duets in his dream so he managed to convince joe to sing in reality and turns out joe cannot sing and cherry’s glee dreams were never the same (look i am tired lol)

joe likes being the strong one in the group and he enjoys being able to mess around / show off by just casually picking people up (he also does it as an expression of love because they’re basically hugs depending on how he holds you) and one day cherry is like… done with it ??? and just strolls up to joe and just throws him over his shoulder or something and joe combusts because he did Not know cherry can do that and no his face isn’t red shut up he doesn’t find this attractive what’re you talking about

miya wants a sword and keeps trying to convince everyone to get them one for their birthday but no one will agree because ‘they’ll hurt themselves and everyone else it does not matter that all your favorite characters have swords that does not mean You should have one’

langa is the kind of person that puts peanut butter on a cheeseburger

reki’s love language is a mix of gift giving and acts of service, but he tends to lean more towards giving gifts. his receiving love language is words of affirmation but he does Not know that yet (langa does—hence his constant “you’re amazing, reki”—and eventually so does the rest of their gang lol)

shadow likes theatre

miya has internet friends,,, so does cherry,,,

joe posts those affirmations on his story all the time

reki’s texts are sometime hard to read because a) his hands get injured a lot and b) tourette’s but langa (and soon the others) learn how to read reki texts

langa sleeps with a fan on for white noise

shadow was worried (and feeling a little left out but if he doesn’t acknowledge it, then that emotion is not real… that’s how that works, right???) since he was in the hospital when reki skated against adam the second time, so when they all went back to cherry’s to tend to reki’s numerous wounds and also celebrate friendship, miya kept shadow on a face time call the entire evening

langa has an android phone

reki is super comfortable with periods because he lives with five girls—he also usually has a couple of pads and tampons on him at all times because he’s the older sibling lol

langa wears socks with sandals,,, so does shadow,,,

shadow’s feet get cold easily so he wears fluffy socks a lot

cherry keeps his fingernails at the perfect length to dramatically tap them against the table (also to freak people out by doing that)

miya is Not a morning person

miya also likes having the windows to shadow’s car rolled up because their hair gets in their face otherwise but shadow likes them down so it’s this constant struggle

i still stand by cherry suing ad*m and using the money he won to pay for reki’s medical bills (… and shadow’s… and langa’s if he needs any)

i just feel like many people have reason to sue ad*m

ponytail langa rights

joe had really bad acne as a child and teen and cherry helped him feel less self-conscious about it and helped him embrace having acne and that’s one reason why he exposes so much skin as joe because it’s a reminder of personal growth <3

also joe has acne scars on his chin and cheeks

joe has cherry’s calligraphy all over his walls

ik i already said so in reki with ts headcanons but he doodles pictures for everyone in the sk8 fam and they all keep each and every one and shadow even puts them in his scrapbook

let langa punch adam 2k21

let reki punch adam 2k21

actually they All deserve to punch adam 2k21

miya’s favorite movie is coraline

langa can’t snap his fingers

joe and cherry always argue over whether even numbers or odd numbers are best

miya does esports

joe was in marching band and was in drumline

cherry stays up late to look at the stars and he had those plastic stars taped to his ceiling as a child

reki eats tomatoes like apples and it makes joe want to cry

okay if the atla & and the sk8 characters became internet friends… these are who i think they’d be internet friends with…

cherry: katara

joe: suki

langa: sokka

miya: aang

reki: zuko

shadow: toph

note: suki, joe, miya, and aang are all actually besties. aang is the kind of person that would usually annoy miya but they just can’t dislike aang no matter how much he may want to and they somehow find themselves attached

but suki and miya would also get along really well because I know they would and aang and joe would just have fun and like it’s what they deserve so they are interchangeable / all besties

also sk8 characters if they were benders...

cherry: fire or waterbender,,, cannot decide

joe: earthbender

langa: waterbender

miya: firebender

reki: resident nonbender

shadow: earthbender

[aquietwritingcorner]

Embers of Revelation

Author: RealityBreakGirl/aquietlearningcorner Word Count: 1585 Rating: T Prompt: FMA Big Bang 2021 Warnings: Child abuse/neglect Characters: Riza Hawkeye, Roy Mustang, Jean Havoc, Heymans Breda, Vato Falman, Kain Fuery, Black Hayate Pairing: Royai Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Family Chapter: Epilogue of 7 Summary: Tasked by Fuhrer Grumman to investigate a suspected alchemic incident, General Mustang’s team finds themselves stranded in Hawkeye’s hometown. Needing a place to stay, they find themselves taking shelter in her childhood home. However, her past can’t stay buried there, and as revelations come to light, they also bring embers of danger with them. Sequel to Embers in a Wounded Heart AO3 || ff.net

_______________________________

 Epilogue

Riza looked out the window of her apartment, her arms wrapped around herself. Her pink sweater was draped over her shoulders. Rebecca kept offering to replace it, saying it was out of style at this point, but she refused. Riza took good care of it. She made sure to. It had been one of the first things she had bought for herself, after she left home. It was comforting, and she wasn’t ready to give it up. It was her choice to buy it, and that was a reminder that she was someone beyond the choices that others had made for her.

She heard soft footsteps behind her, but she didn’t turn around. She knew who it was, and she knew that he wouldn’t do anything to hurt her. He didn’t even want to startle her right now with the state she was in and the way she was armed.

“Riza?” Roy called out her voice softly. “Are… Can I get you anything?”

She was quiet for a bit and didn’t turn around. After a moment, she glanced over her shoulder, back at Roy. He was worried about her, that much was clear, and honestly? He had reason to be. She was worried about her too.

“Part of me keeps wondering—what if I just got you to burn the rest of it off.”

She saw the horror enter his eyes, which was mutely reflected in his expression. “Riza—no! No, I won’t do that to you!”

She sighed and looked down. “I know,” she said. “I know you won’t. And—” she looked back up, sharpness in her words. “Just so you know, no, I am not contemplating ways to do it myself.”

She had told him that the first time around. She had told him that she would find a way to remove the tattoo herself if he didn’t burn it off. They had both known that any attempts alone would likely kill her. He had been horrified. At the time, she honestly hadn’t minded, feeling that, if she died, then that was her penance for her sins.

Looking back, she could clearly see that she had not been in a good frame of mind. But then again, few of them coming back from the war had been. Even Hughes, for all of his jovial behavior, had his problems as well. The three of them had helped teach other through enough hard nights that they couldn’t go to anyone else about. Bless Gracia for never begrudging them that.

“What are you going to do, then?” Roy asked her, moving to stand right in front of her. He wasn’t demanding of her, but questioning, allowing her to take the lead, which she appreciated.

“…I don’t know,” she said. “Be paranoid.” It was half a joke, but it was also true. She was already double checking her door and windows constantly and was armed all of the time. She had taken to hiding a few more guns around, and anytime she went out she was hyper aware.

Roy frowned. “You can’t keep living like that.”

“I know,” she said. “But I also can’t not. Roy, a man tried to kidnap me to get to my father’s research. He was going to take me somewhere, to someone, some group, and have them try to learn the secrets of flame alchemy from it—from me. From me, Roy! It’s the thing I’ve fought against since it was put on my back.” She let her head drop to his shoulder, and he was immediately wrapping his arms around her. “I can’t escape, Roy. I try and try, but I can’t escape my father’s grasp.”

He held her tightly, holding her as closely as he could, and she leaned into it, her hands grasping him back.

“…I can’t let it happen,” she said, half whispering it out as he held her. “I can’t—Roy, I can’t let that happen. I—”

“Shh,” Roy held her tightly, and even rocked her a little. “Come here,” he pulled her with him, over to the kitchen chairs, and sat her down, staying close to her. “Listen, Riza… I’m not going to let that happen, alright? I’m not going to let anyone put their hands on you, I’m not going to let anyone use your father’s knowledge against your wishes. Not even me.”

She looked up at him, tears shining in her eyes. “But how? Roy, how are you going to prevent it.”

He paused, thinking a moment. “We won’t leave you alone. You go somewhere, one of use will go with you. See if maybe Catalina can stay with you a while,” he paused, and lifted a hand to her cheek. “I’d love to stay with you. But…”

She leaned into his hand. “I know,” she said.

“And I promise you, we’ll find these people he was connected to. We’ll find them, and we’ll make sure they can’t do anything with you or with anyone else ever again. We’ll stop them.” He vowed. “But we’ll make sure you stay protected. And I’ll be trying to find a way to remove that tattoo that won’t hurt you, that won’t cause you problems.” He tilted her head up to look him in the eyes. “I promise you, Riza Hawkeye, that I will do everything in my power to make sure you and the secret of flame alchemy are protected.”

“Thank you,” she said, and closed her eyes as he gathered her in his arms again.

A large part of her still wanted to panic about this. It was hard not to. She was scared, so scared, and it was a deep seeded, old fear, one that her father had put on her as a young woman. It was one that had rested with her most of her life. She had thought herself fairly safe, but now? Now she wasn’t sure.

“…I think that I might can spare one night with you,” Roy said. “I mean, it’s late. If I just happen to fall asleep here, well, we have just gotten back from a long trip, and you were injured during it. I think it would be excusable.”

She gave him a brief smile, although it didn’t quite have the power it usually did. “We’ll have to make up the couch for you,” she said. He looked mildly disappointed, at least until she continued. “After all, if someone comes calling, we’ll need it to look right.”

“It’ll need to look slept in,” he pointed out.

“We’ll let Hayate take care of that,” she said. Her smiled dropped a bit. “Roy…” her fingers intertwined with his. “Just hold me tonight.”

He put a kiss on her forehead. “Of course, Riza,” he said. “I planned on it.”

He stood up then, and gently tugged her up and out of the chair. They went, together, and made up the couch, made it look as if it had been slept in, and deposited Hayate there before they retired to her room. The little pup didn’t seem to mind so much. He seemed to be glad that they would be spending the night together, actually.

They changed, turned down her bed, and then crawled under the blankets. They were thick and warm, and it had a protective feeling to Riza, as if nothing could get her while she was buried under them. The weight of them was comforting. They weren’t something that would just be thrown or flung back without it being noticed.

Roy snuggled up to her, a hand going around her waist as he tugged her closer, holding onto her from behind. He fit himself snuggly against her back, holding her to him. It felt good, it felt right, it felt like this was the way that it was supposed to be. It reminded Riza of nights as children, looking up at the stars and falling asleep together. It reminded her of nights at her childhood home, just the two of them, when he would pull up to her like this after a night of studying her back, wanting to pamper her after all that she was letting him do. It reminded her of nights in Ishval when all either of them wanted was a reminder that they had been something more than the killing machines they now were. It reminded her of midnight visits to the Hughes’s home, accidently going on the same night, and sleeping there, together, knowing that neither of their friends would say a word.

It reminded her of safety, and of a steadfast, unshakable love that she had never dreamed had existed all those years ago, let alone for someone like her. For some who’s own father didn’t even want her, didn’t even think of her as more then something to be used.

It reminded her that she wasn’t alone.

She had Roy. She had Becca. She had Havoc. She had Breda. She had Falman. She had Fuery. She had Hayate. She was far from alone in this situation.

And so Riza Hawkeye breathed in, breathed out, and settled down, letting the warmth of Roy hold and protect her.

“I’ve got your back,” he said, half in a whisper, and a smile touched her lips.

“I wouldn’t trust it to anyone else,” she said, and while there was a double meaning in that, she knew that he would also hear her words of love in it.

And so, with his reassurance, Riza Hawkeye fell asleep, hoping for a new day to bring hope.

[kaleidoscopek9]

ALRIGHT-

SO

I've had this list of headcannons just sitting in my notes app of my phone and I wanna put it somewhere so 👀

(These are heavily inspired by what I could gather from the skele boys in @bonelyheartsclub! I just threw in a few of my own.)

-----------*

Sans

- Does a LOT of stargazing and has quite a few space-themed knicknacks and clothes in his room. He's got a telescope too!

- Dad jokes. Any time is prime dad joke time. He's never let an opportunity slip past him.

- He's an absolute prank master. You're considered lucky if you happen to avoid the ones he's planted around the house like bombs waiting to go off.

- He's cryptic as fuck. Always giving half-true answers to every question. Occasionally he may slip up and give you a brutally honest response, but that's only with the people he trusts most, and he finds being open to be very difficult.

- He's constantly referencing memes and vine quotes from days of yore. He practically has a database of every meme ever in his head, and he doesnt let it go to waste.

- Cuddling with him is basically a one way ticket to nap-town, and you constantly find yourself waking up to him smooshed against you on the couch after dozing off. For being a skeleton, he is a surprisingly comfortable snuggler.

-----------*

Papyrus

-So much baking and cooking. It's his favorite past time, and the kitchen never smells the same when he's done making whatever he's making in there (it's 12 times out of 10 pasta) And while his cooking may be sub-par, you never say no when he asks you to try his latest dish.

- He's always up to go shopping with you. It never matters where. Malls are his favorite, especially the big grand ones with fountains and huge windows. He makes it a point to bring spare cash because you KNOW he's going to ride the mini marry-go-round even if he can barely fit in the seats.

- You two love to binge watch cooking channels. Always discussing which foods would be the most fun to make, writing down recipies, and having a hell of a time trying to pause the show at the right points to get all the information down.

- Papyrus is notorious for game nights. He's always pulling out boards and cards that you've never heard of before and never starts a game until he's absolutely certain you know the rules. Winning of course, is always his prime goal when it comes to games, but if he senses you're on a particularly rough losing streak, he MAY slip up. Occasionally. Just enough so you can win a game or two. Or five.

-----------*

Blue

- Hyper as all hell. You give him a reasonable dose of sugar or caffeine and he could power an entire city for a few hours without breaking a sweat.

- If he had been in high school, Blue would have been a theater kid. He's always humming a tune from a Broadway show or Disney movie, and he's got a pretty good collection of songs on his brother's Spotify playlist.

- This guy will blast Steven Universe music at full volume he has no shame.

- If you are ever driving somewhere with him, an aux cord is a MUST. Singing in the car is a very frequent thing with you two, and you'll only get out after the song is over.

- He likes cryptids! Mothman is his favorite and he firmly believes he exists somewhere.

- He's your workout buddy. If he manages to drag you to the gym with him, that is.

- Blue hates seeing you down in the dumps, and is always trying to cheer you up with his quirky puns and jokes to get you smiling again.

- He'd be the best motivational poster ever. Whenever he picks up that you're going through a rough spot and falling behind on self-care, he knows just what to say to put the spark back in you again.

-----------*

Stretch

- Radiates goblin energy.

- A goddamn meme lord.

- He's made two or three widely known viral videos and nobody knows it was him.

- You need someone to go to an anime convention with? Stretch is your guy. He's god awful at planning stuff out, but he'll make sure you both have a good time, no matter what happens.

- He's really big into nerd culture, and he DMs for a dungeons and dragons game every week.

- He'll occasionally smoke, but he doesnt have lungs, so he does it more for shits and giggles than anything else.

- As lazy as he seems, he is very reliable. If he knows it's something important to you, he'll get it done. Chores though, he's a lot more iffy with.

- He really likes bees.

-----------*

Red

- Talks big talk, but he's actually a huge softie.

- He's basically a big pillow with sharp teeth that can curse.

- A nervous wreck.

- His brother shops at Hot Topic. He shops at Spencer's. Very convenient.

- He's a pretty big flirt and throws out little compliments and things to butter you up from time to time.

- If you take Red into a Dave and Busters he will win the most expensive prize at the booth in about 2 hours. (He knows how to cheat at every single game)

- He's a competitive gamer, and has a pretty impressive following on Twitch.

- He can go from loud and brash to quiet and insecure in a matter of moments, depending on the situation.

- He loves to bake, although it's something he will never be caught dead doing.

- Comfort is not his strong suit, but he will defend you without a second thought.

- He can be a little clingy and will text you now and again to ask what you're up to, just to ease his mind.

-----------*

Boss

- Professionalism is his game.

- The walking embodiment of Hot Topic.

- He loves to listen to rock and screamo music. He's also got a thing for Disney villain songs.

- You need some punk biker or vampiric goth fashion advice? Boss got ya.

- Skellator Man.

- Out of all the skeletons, Boss has the biggest ego.

- He hates admitting he's wrong. He would rather DIE than admit he's fucked up something.

- "I am not nice-"

- He could kill a man with his high heels.

- If it's got spikes he'll probably wear it.

- Tsundere. Tsundere. Tsundere. Tsundere. Tsu

- Did I mention he's a cold blooded tsundere.

-----------*

Nox

- Small angery man.

- He listens to a lot of classic and instrumental music. He finds it very sophisticated.

- Wakes up obscenely early in the morning. Always followed by a cup of the most bitter coffee on the planet.

- Comes up with the best insults. He could roast someone so hard that they'd dissolve into a pile of soot. He could glare at you and you'd cease to exist. He's that good.

- WILL step on you without remorse.

- Threatens to kill someone on a daily basis.

- Very rarely has spare time for himself. He's always keeping busy doing something.

- Loves dark, dry humor. A child falling off a swing will have him laughing for a good five minutes.

- Has a stone cold poker face.

- He might have a softer side to him. You may never know because of the walls he's built up around him.

-----------*

Rus

- He absolutely adores animals. He volunteers at the local animal shelter and plans on adopting every single dog there.

- Rus has a massive sweet tooth. Donuts are his favorite, and you can easily bribe him with anything sugar coated.

- A road trip master. You put him in a camper and he knows exactly where he's going and what he's doing.

- "Going off grid, fuck yeah- I pull out my credit cards and shred 'em."

- Hiking, camping and geocaching are some of his favorite things to do. He loves to explore the wilderness and it's like he has a built-in compass for finding his way.

- His ideal date is going to a Wal-Mart and causing absolute chaos by riding bikes around and tossing all of the inflatable balls from their displays.

- Cryptidcore energy.

- Rus loves watching Buzzfeed Unsolved and ghost huntings. He's a big fan of Supernatural and Stranger Things, too.

- Stutters and slurs his words a lot. He's got some speech impediments from the gold canines in his mouth.

- A bit lacking when it comes to social skills, but he can be extremely caring and sweet.

-----------*

Ash

- Very soft-spoken and awkward. He doesn't get much social interaction and is still figuring some things out.

- He's very self-aware of the wound in his head. Whenever he has to leave the house he wears some sort of hat to cover it up.

- Practically lives in his garden. He understands plants more than he does human beings, and he spends time daily tending to whatever he's growing.

- Him and his brother are both vegetarians, and the smell or sight of meat makes them both feel sick to themselves.

- Has trouble sleeping due to his reoccurring nightmares. He will often sit in his garden late at night to help calm himself.

- Radiates soft energy. He would absolutely give the best hugs out of all the skeletons.

- Very touch-starved. Physical affection is something he rarely recieves, and he probably lingers with touches a lot longer than he should.

- Unintentionally makes God-teir jokes without realizing it.

----------*

Poplar

- Very well-educated in a lot of things. He really likes stocking up on useless factoids and making up his own just to mess with people.

- He answers Jeopardy questions with concerning accuracy.

- He enjoys going out to eat, and he's always up to try fancy foods.

- He likes photography and reading. He is well into the Harry Potter series.

- Poplar is prepared for anything at any time. A lot of stuff doesnt phase him at all, and it's difficult to catch him off-guard.

- He's willing to try anything new, once.

- Always willing to help out with schoolwork if he thinks you're seriously struggling with it.

- He's always carrying around small planners and notebooks to write in so he can keep track of things.

[i-am-beyoutiful]

31 Days of Resonance Day 27 - Sword

The Princesses Sword’s. Your personal protection detail. Hand picked by your own hand to protect you for the rest of your life. Your Sword’s were some of the best trainees the knight program could ask for. Most people thought you choose them just because of their fighting prowess, but they were wrong. You choose for different reasons

Lee Mark. Could easily be in the running for military general but he happily stayed at your side. He was ruthless in the training rings. Most wouldn’t fight him. Only those with big ego that doubted his ability did and they walked away more than bruised. On night, you were roaming the castle at night unable to sleep. You wandered around until you ended up at the training ring. Only to see a knight there practicing with a dummy, weighed down so it wouldn’t move. You stopped in your tracks, and watched as the knight moved fluidly through the motions. It was mesmerizing. 

Once the knight planted his dagger in the chest of the dummy, he turned around and bowed in your direction. You were startled, thinking how could he see you.

“I saw the light from your lantern, your highness. It’s a bit late for you to be up, is it not.” the knight addressed you. 

“I could say the same for you. Most knight in training are asleep already. Shouldn’t you be?” You said back. The knight lips quirked in the corner. 

“You are right, your highness, but I like the quiet of night. Not so much posturing out here either.” You and and knight chuckle at his admission. You step out of your hiding space and walk forward. Your eyes were locked on the dummy. The knights eyes followed you as you passed him and approached the dummy. You wrapped your hands around the dagger in its chest and pulled it out. You studied the blade and how it felt in your hands. You held it out, inspecting the shine in the moonlight. 

“Teach me how to use this.”

~~~~~~~~~

And it began. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, Mark would be at the training ring around 1 am and he would train you until 4 am. Enough time to walk you back to your room without anyone’s knowledge. Mark taught you all kinds of techniques fit for a member of the royal family. Work with a dagger, a long sword and hand to hand combat. Yourself and Mark grew close becoming friends over the weeks of training before Mark allowed you to carry your own custom made dagger. The black stone gleamed in your hand. 

When your father brought you into the throne room to pick your first sword, your eyes locked on Mark and you two shared a smile. 

~~~~~~~

You were seventeen when mark brought it up. 

“You want to add to my detail?? Are you not enough anymore??” You questioned as Mark lead you through the winding hallways of the castles. Mark walked tall in his Sword uniform. 

“I’ve been seeing the practices of the knights in training. I’ve also been helping. They’re is exactly four boys that I would trust with you.” You and Mark stopped at a window. Revealing the knights in training. The new crop seemed to grow more cocky by the passing year. 

“Tell me about them.” 

Mark pointed left, “Huang Renjun. Not much to look at but is hyper aware of a persons perception of him. He uses his smaller size to his advantage. Getting lower and fighting from underneath mostly succeeding. He is exceptional at canvasing a territory. I bet money he already knows fifteen ways to get into the castle without anyone being the wiser.”

Mark pointed further back, “Lee Donghyuck. A bit of a trouble maker. He’s funny. Loves playing practical jokes and is constantly late to practice. But he’s a wild card. When he’s focused on a target, he’s deadly.”

Mark points to the far right, to two knights fiddling with bottles, “Lee Jeno and Na Jaemin. Came into training together and have been inseparable their entire lives. Jaemin is very adept with poisons whether liquid or plant. Jeno is a the top of the class in healing. A duo with potential.” 

You took in the information Mark gave you before speaking, “Invite them tonight.” 

That night, you knew Mark found good people when none of them flinched when they saw you walk up in training clothes, ready for a fight. You could barely hold your smile back when your choose them to be the next four Swords. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I want two more.” You said into the night. You and your swords sat on the ground, sweat running down your skin after a successful training. 

“Why do you want two more when you have us, your royalness??” Donghyuck wiggled his eyebrows at you. 

You rolled your eyes, “We feel incomplete. Seven is a good stopping number.” 

The six of you stood up, Your swords began the walk back to your room. 

“Who do you have in mind?” Jeno asked. 

“Zhong Chenle and Park Jisung.” you replied. 

“WHAT!!!” Jaemin and Donghyuck exclaimed. 

“But they’re the youngest of the recent class!!” Renjun pointed out as you arrivied at your bedroom door. 

“Yeah and they also are somehow good at everything. Their expertise falls under the radar because they’re so young. But I can see it. Just like I saw it with all of you. Goodnight boys.” You walked into your room and shut the door behind you. 

“What could she possibly see?” Jeno asked. 

“Potential” Mark answered. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mark invited Chenle and Jisung to a night training with your group. The two boys looked a bit intimidated. The tension was broken when Jisung mumbled an insult about Donghyuck under his breath that cracked you up. Donghyuck charged at him which lead to chase around the training ring. 

Your swords were complete. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mark, Donghyuck, Jaemin, Renjun, Jeno, Chenle and Jisung. The princesses Swords. Your protection detail. 

Your best friends.

[beeexx]

I uploaded this to ao3 too if you wanna read it there.

Takes place during 2x04. Just a missing moment of what Alex was thinking of before and after his talk with Michael. Also featuring Alex and Kyle bonding some more.

-----

Alex used to live for silence. Silence usually meant an empty house, with his dad gone for the evening, always with the threatening promise of being back of course (never forget it Alex, drilled into him at a young age), but it gave him a moment where he was allowed to be. Just be him, without walking on eggshells and constantly scared of overstepping some made up boundary his dad had come up with him. But the peacefulness of silence that he used to crave growing up had been eroded off him during the years of service. It was never quiet anywhere he went, he was always surrounded by his squadron and when he wasn’t, wherever he was stationed, the bases were never quiet either. Silence is something he has had to get used to again, and he is struggling with it still. His hyper-awareness to his surroundings is constantly on edge when he is alone and he doesn’t always know how to relax around it. 

Which is what he has been since he came back to Roswell too. Alone. 

The other problem with silence is that he then has too much time on his hands and when that happens he ends up trapped in his head where his thoughts are on constant loop about things he has spent years suppressing. And they come out, unannounced and catch him off guard. He went to therapy after he lost his leg and he knows what some of his triggers are thanks to his therapist, but Roswell New Mexico seems to bring out new ones he never even knew he had. The other day a movie had been playing on his television while he was absently working on going through some of the files left from Claufield when there was the loud banging of a fist on the table that had sent Alex flinching so hard he had knocked the glass of water off the table and bruised his knuckles in the process. For a moment he was back in his kitchen at the age of 15, his dad’s fist close to Alex’s own hand, looming over him and staring him down. That was his dad’s thing, intimidate him before he struck out, the blow so unexpected Alex never knew when it would come. It had taken him a whole lot more of his breathing exercises to calm him down after that and he had quickly changed the channel to re-runs of FRIENDS instead. 

Alex has wondered if he should write down silence as a trigger too? Because at this rate it might as well be. He had zoned out completely at the grocery store a while back and he really has no clue how long he had been in there, the complete dissonance so strong that he lost track of time completely. Kyle had found him at some point and given him a look that Alex had hated. He had opened his mouth but Kyle had beaten him to it.

“Look man, I’m not pitying you don’t worry. I am however pitying that depressing looking basket, if that’s your excuse for a dinner it wouldn’t surprise me if your basket suddenly wakes up at yells at you in disappointment.”

It had been so unexpected that it had actually made Alex snort in amusement. 

“Yeah I guess you have a point.” He said and looked into the basket which contained a ready made meal and a couple of bears. His only excuse really is that he’s a busy man, he’s spent years in the Air Force and hasn’t really had time to practice any cooking and sometimes he feels the only reason he eats is because he must. 

“What are you doing tonight? Why don’t you come over for dinner. I’m making spaghetti carbonara. I’ve spent years redefining this recipe so I can guarantee it will be the best you have ever tasted.”

Alex was ready to protest. He did not want to be someone’s charity case, especially not Kyle’s.

“If it makes you feel any better I live alone and I haven’t exactly had the chance to sit down and cook a decent meal for a while, if you know what I mean?” Alex had a very clear idea yes. “So I could use the company, and man I think you could too.” 

“I cannot believe you are giving me your puppy dog eyes.” Alex can’t believe it, but Kyle totally are, in the middle of the grocery store. Kyle looks smug, but seems to remember himself and pouts some more.

“Fine.” Alex relents, and he doesn’t really know why, but something shifts inside of him at the look, a throwback to their early friendship, where he was on the receiving end of that look when Kyle needed a favour. Like asking Mrs. Valenti for cookies, because if Alex asked then she would definitely say yes. 

“Yes, great.” And Alex can’t help himself but smile too, because Kyle looks genuinely happy at the thought.

“I can’t believe I’m like Liz now, falling for those eyes.” He mutters.

“What can I say? I have a cute face.”

“You’re not really my type Valenti.” Which is a half truth really, but no one’s ever been his type after Michael anyway, his small crush on Valenti diminishing completely compared to Michael. And he’s moved past that little infatuation anyway, this banter is probably the most action he has gotten since Michael called it off completely. 

“You are wrong there, I am everyone’s type.”

Alex rolls his eyes at the joke because Kyle is actually ridiculous.

But Alex ends up spending the evening at Kyle’s, eating his first home cooked meal in a long time, that turns out to be incredibly good, and has two beers which is more than he normally drinks and almost ends up falling asleep on the couch. He drives home late, shrugging off the offer of staying the night in Kyle’s guest bedroom because he can’t bare it and ends up taking hours to fall asleep in his cold and bare apartment instead. But it had become a thing since, Kyle would text him and ask him over for dinner and after a while Alex couldn’t find a reason why he shouldn’t and he gave in to the part of him that was enjoying the company. It did not take long after that before he started staying over too in the guest bedroom that had a bed way comfier than what Alex had slept on in years and by now he’s basically living with Kyle. Which is not as bad as he’d imagine it would be. They have an unnamed deal really, because Alex has a set of spare keys that Kyle just gave him one morning without saying anything, his nose in his phone and a coffee in his hand and had just left them there, like Alex was supposed to know what to say to that. But they never really said anything about making it official that they do live together, and a distant part of him thinks that’s something you do. His 16 year old self would never believe his ears if he’d been told that in the future he would be sharing at least one hot meal a day with Kyle Valenti he would have laughed. But Kyle really isn’t half bad to live with to be honest. He’s tidy, but not crazily. He cooks, and he works out and he is a bit of a workaholic, which Alex definitely is too. And he’s constantly moving, barely ever sitting still. He’s always tinkering with something. In so many ways he is like Michael in that regard, constantly on the move and surrounded with an energetic vibe. Alex doesn’t hate that. He kind of enjoys it, because it means it’s never silent. Deep down Alex is an introvert, and Kyle is definitely not. But years of being in the Air Force has of course left its traces and Alex really doesn’t mind the energetic presence of Kyle these days. It’s comforting. 

But it says something of the state Alex is in now that he didn’t drive back after the day he’s had to Kyle’s apartment, but instead to his own, which he does go to from time to time, but very rarely these days. The day with Michael, looking for clues about Nora, hasn’t been too bad. Yet Alex feels rough. Because the problem with the silence around him now though is that it screams Michael. He’s been pacing his living room since he got back, staring at the piece of consol he’s left on the small table, trying to sort out his racing mind. In his youth his father had tried to drill hatred into him, he very nearly succeeded at times, but Alex came out the other end of that surviving the cruel abuse. But right now, after learning the pain and damage his family has caused Michael’s, he feels that hatred towards himself and his family burn strongly within himself. He wishes his legacy wasn’t this brutal war, this history of violence he has inherited unwillingly. He doesn’t want to be a Manes if this is what it means. 

He knows he has to do something though. Fix a little part of what his history has broken. 

He grabs the console and gets into the car.

-------

Alex has walked away from Michael many times before. Most of those times it had never felt like the right choice. Not until today. Today, he knows with his whole heart that walking away was the right choice to make. Because now it is abundantly clear to him that Michael really deserves better than him. The last months Alex has still secretly clung to it that maybe they could, with a little bit of distance find their way back to each other, he just knows now that that is not going to happen. Alex will not let it happen. Because his family is toxic and dangerous and they have already hurt Michael too much. Giving back the console, which he knows he should have done months ago, is kind of like a parting gift from Alex to him. Now too, with everything he knows he feel incredibly selfish that he didn’t give it to him earlier, because what kind of person was he who wanted to keep a part of Michael to himself? The reason too, even when he had said why to Michael had felt pathetic. Even though it was the truth. He didn’t want him to go. But Michael was never really his to keep either. And staking a claim on him was not the right way to handle it. Alex’s always been unable to think clearly with Michael around him. That’s the reason why he’d put him in danger when they were teenagers and why he kept making the same mistakes over and over. Strangely enough he feels clear headed now and maybe that comes with him actually being honest with himself.

He does not deserve Michael.

Michael deserves better than him.

His hands stopped shaking a while ago, with the look Michael had given him before he had left, haunting him the whole drive back. He couldn’t seem to shake it, however badly he wanted. The smile had fallen off Michael's face completely when he had heard that Alex had kept this from him. The look on his face unreadable, and after he had reassured him that what happened in the past wasn’t Alex’s fault, the betrayal felt much worse. Alex had clung to the console in desperation, but he had given it back in hopes that it could smooth over parts of the violent past. He hopes that it is a start of something at least.

He feels clear headed and lucid though, even if parts of him also feel like shit. It was a strange combination and he’s probably been sitting out in this car for close to an hour. He’s just not had the energy to walk up to Kyle’s apartment looking the way he probably does and explain why. He really didn’t feel like having an emotional talk with Kyle Valenti about his feelings for Michael. No thanks, he’d pass on that forever. But he can’t sit in here forever and his hands are getting cold and with the lowering temperature comes to pain of his prosthetic that he needs to take off. So he sighs, rubs at his reddening eyes and tries to hide his inner turmoil that is threatening to undo him. It’s simmering just under the surface, he can really feel it. When he unlocks the door he expects to be bombarded with Kyle’s reprimanding voice of skipping dinner. Instead the whole flat is dark, except for the TV that has been left on. Nothing is playing, just the blue background that paints the room in a haunting colour. Alex doesn’t like the artificiality of it. On the sofa Kyle lays, with a bottle of alcohol by his side, staring into the wall. 

Okay, this was not what Alex was expecting. 

“Erm Kyle?” He asks, a little uncertain. Kyle jumps about a mile in the air, and it is kind of comically how he ends up sprawled on the ground, groaning, but clearly alive.

“Man, not cool.” He makes no move to get up, which means something is clearly wrong.

“What’s wrong?” Alex asks because he’s sometimes nice to Kyle, he sits down on the sofa.

“I’ve had a day and half.” He mutters and moves to take another drink. Alex swiftly moves it away from him and holds it out of reach.

“Hey!”

“Talk first drink later.” Alex says and pats the seat beside him. Kyle groans loudly but does get up, he’s steady which means he’s probably not had that much to drink.

“I just… it’s really pathetic, god.” He snorts to himself. 

“Try me.”

“Promise not to laugh at me.” 

“Yes.” Alex hopes he can keep that promise, this situation really is odd even to him.

“Why didn’t Liz choose me?” Kyle sounds dejected and sad. It’s an unusual look on him.

Oh. Oh. Alex sighs and very slowly reaches forward to place a hand on his shoulder, trying to offer comfort. He’s never been good with his words but Kyle seems to need to the comfort. But honestly Alex never thought that he and Kyle would be in the same situation at the age of 28, it’s ironic but it doesn’t make him feel good about it either. Alex thinks of the olive branch Kyle had extended to him in the bunker and makes up his mind.

“I don’t know Kyle. We can’t make people love us. Even if we want that above anything else.”  

Kyle looks at him for the first time, really looks at him. Alex takes his own swing of alcohol, letting it burn down the sour feeling in his throat. 

“You have first hand experience in this?”

Alex thinks about lying, because he doesn’t want to talk about it. He stares into the wall in front of him.

“Michael chose Maria over me, and even now I can’t even say I blame him for it.”

“Shit, I’m sorry to hear that.”

“I guess we finally have something in common.” He snorts. Kyle laughs and takes the bottle of alcohol back from him. He eyes it and then hands it back.

“I promised I’d have breakfast with my mother tomorrow. This seemed like a good idea a few hours ago. Now though, maybe not.” He gives it back to Alex. The turmoil is still simmering underneath Alex’s veins, but the alcohol seems like a really bad excuse even to him. He looks at Kyle, who looks sad. Alex feels bad for him, he does.

“So what do you want to do then?” Alex asks.

Kyle shrugs. “Let’s just sit here for a while.”

Alex nods. He can do that.

[murdershegoat]

bygones

[on ao3]

"I know you’ve been coming here most nights,” Lena says, her tone clipped. “You trip the secret alarm every time and it’s really fucking annoying.”

She stands on the porch of a quaint log cabin, arms crossed against her chest. Kara hovers in front of her, her suit gleaming slightly against the darkness of the thick wood behind her. Lena had come here to escape all reminders of Kara. Finding a place with no reminders of Kara Danvers had proven difficult. This was the best she could do, and it was far from perfect. Kara being there wouldn’t really help with that. She lowers herself slowly to the ground, landing with a small ‘thud’. In the porch light, Lena can see the pain on her face. Lena imagines the same pain is reflected on hers.

“How did you know where I was?”

“I’ve been flying across America trying to find your heartbeat,” she admits. “It took me a few weeks.”

“I don’t want to see you,” Lena says, jutting out her jaw and desperately willing herself not to burst into tears at the thought of Kara flying around the United States of America just to find her. “You know I don’t want you here.”

“Do I know that, though?” Kara says, the hurt in her voice cutting straight through Lena. “You left without a word. I told you that I was-- I told you who I was and you just, you left. You disappeared, without telling anybody. I thought you were--”

“Oh, don’t pretend you care about me now, Kara,” Lena spits back.

“I do care about you, so much--”

“You made me look like a fool. Everybody knows, every single one of our friends, and I was left in the dark like a child. I mean, god, even my brother knew!”

“I didn’t tell Lex!”

“You think I care?? The point is you didn’t tell me, Kara! What is it, I couldn’t be trusted? Have I not proven myself enough yet?”

“Did you ever stop to think that this was never about you??” Kara bursts, finally raising her voice. “Maybe I liked having someone in my life who didn’t know I was some alien freak from another planet?”

“Save the sob story,” Lena says. “I don’t feel sorry for the superhero with a heart of gold and supportive friends and family and an entire world bowing at her feet.”

“Grow up, Lena,” Kara says. “I’m tired, I’m so tired of this.”

“Goodnight, Supergirl,” Lena says. She turns around and goes inside, locking the door behind her.

But she doesn’t leave.

Like she has done every night for the past month, Kara stays the night and she feels her heart ache as she listens to Lena cry.

///

It takes another couple of weeks for Lena to surface again. It’s a particularly rough night; wind tears through the trees, cold and harsh against the cabin. Lena’s in a thick cardigan, a blanket around her shoulders. She drops a blanket on the porch.

“I don’t get cold,” Kara says quietly with a smile.

“What?” Lena yells out over the gale.

“I said thank you,” Kara calls back, and Lena heads back inside.

The blanket is the itchiest blanket Kara has ever used. She knows Lena gave it to her on purpose.

She still wears it all night, and leaves it folded neatly on the porch in the morning.

///

Kara’s running late, not that Lena’s paying attention or anything. But it’s almost 3am and maybe she’s a little scared--

Kara lands in front of the porch, and Lena sighs with relief.

“Long night?” Lena calls out, and it almost feels normal, Kara being Supergirl and Lena being holed up here away from the outside world and the two of them spending their nights together like this.

“A bad one,” Kara says, her voice breaking. As she steps into the light, Lena can see her tear-stained cheeks, the slump in her shoulders, the dried blood flecked across her chest.

“What hap--” she decides maybe she doesn’t want the gruesome details. So she settles on, “are you okay?”

“I’m feeling a bit better now,” Kara says with a small smile. Lena ignores the way it makes her stomach feel heavy and squirmish inside her. Instead, she moves over so there’s enough room for Kara on the bench. Kara sighs as she sits, resting her head on the wall behind her and closing her eyes.

“Kara?” Lena says. Kara cracks one eye open and looks at her wearily.

“Yeah, Lena?”

“I think I’m ready.”

“For?”

“I want to know why you didn’t tell me you were Supergirl.”

Kara sits up straight, rubbing her eyes.

“Now?”

“No time like the present,” Lena shrugs.

“I guess… I guess I liked that you only knew Kara Danvers. Don’t get me wrong, I love being Supergirl, but…” She pauses and sighs. “I don’t know how to phrase what I’m thinking.”

“Take your time. We have all night. And tomorrow night. And the night after that--”

“I get it,” Kara says, chuckling. “Okay. Uh, Supergirl is supposed to be this beacon of goodness and hope, and I get to do so much good being her. But I’m also constantly terrified. I’ve got so much power inside me and I know what that power can do if I let my anger take over. It’s happened before - too many times - and I’ve hurt so many people I love. And they forgave me, thank god they forgave me, but Supergirl started to feel less and less good. She’s done too much damage and even if nobody else sees it, I feel it. And you, you only saw Kara and you saw the goodness in me without my emblem on my chest and it just felt… gosh, it felt so great. It’s probably just my own insecurities, but I always feel like Alex and Eliza look at me like I’m still a pre-pubescent refugee. And whenever they’d look at me with pity or whatever it made me so hyper-aware that I’d always be this lost kid in their eyes. But when I was with you, I didn’t have the responsibility of Supergirl or the baggage of Kara Zor-El and I could just… be.”

“Who the hell is Kara Zor-El?” Lena asks, and Kara bursts out laughing.

“Zor-El is my Kryptonian last name. Actually, it’s also my father’s first name.” Kara scrunches her nose. “Now that I think about it, the Kryptonian naming system is patriarchal as hell.”

“I mean, Earth’s is just as bad,” Lena smiles. She hesitates before adding, “do you remember much about Krypton.”

“I remember my father. His office had this smell, the closest thing to it I can find on earth is mahogany. I remember I walked into one of my college professor’s offices and he had this huge desk and it made me burst into tears as soon as it hit my nose. I remember when Kal-El, Superman, was born and all the adults in my family thought I’d be jealous of him but I remember being too obsessed with him to feel anything other than love. I remember the way my mom would try to be angry with me when she was holding back laughter, this weird wobble in her voice. I, uh, I remember seeing it explode. I’d never seen anything as bright in my life, it burned my eyes and it made my pod heat up and I thought I was gonna suffocate.”

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry.”

Kara smiles sadly. “That’s why I like being Kara Danvers. Kara Danvers isn’t one of the last of her kind, she doesn’t think about her family dying all the time. Kara Danvers doesn’t have as many reasons to be sad. And she has you.”

“Kara?”

“Yeah, Lena?”

“I’m sorry for reacting the way I did.”

Kara turns so she’s totally facing Lena. She puts a hand on her knee.

“You have nothing to apologise for. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you and I’m sorry it made you feel like I didn’t trust you. I trust you more than anyone else. You’re my best friend, you’re--” she stops just for a moment. “You’re so extraordinary.”

“So that’s it,” Lena says. “Enough apologising. No more.”

Kara holds out her hand, ready for Lena to shake it.

“Bygones?” she jokes.

Lena pushes her hand aside, and leans forward. She kisses Kara slowly, softly, as though maybe she didn’t mean to do it. But Kara kisses her back, every inch of her body crying out finally!

All too soon, Lena pulls away, the promise of their future lying in the silence between them.

“Bygones,” she agrees. “Now. Will you fly me home?”

[violetnuisance]

WDHTD Analysis

You know the analysis papers your English professors make you do? Yeah, I did one at nearly 2 am on a fanfiction. Here we go.

It’s currently 1:54 am on Tuesday, July 2, in my lightless bedroom as my right thumb is furiously tapping on my phone’s digital keyboard. Why am I up? Beats the heck out of me; I should’ve gone to sleep hours ago. But one thing is for certain-I just finished @ironiclittlebaby ‘s fic, We Don’t Have To Dance, and I have emotions, so enjoy this little unedited fic analysis.

A preface: A few months ago, I tried my best to read WDHTD, and had only succeeded in reading the first 7 chapters because I was unconditionally bawling my eyes out. At the time, my mental state wasn’t the best, and this fic seemed too cruel to be good, so I left it. However, today was the day I decided to give it another chance since I’m better mentally, and boy am I glad I did.

Now on to the real shiz:

I’m not going to stick to a TPCASTT format for this. It is way too late, and I am way to hyper. Therefore, this might just me be babbling versus an actual analysis but who cares.

1. What is the writer doing?

Blue has created a band au in the sally face universe that has taken the fandom by storm to be perfectly honest. They’re creating an angsty fic that resolves into a happy ending at its very core. But what is actually happening behind the lines?

A reoccurring trait in a lot of fics from any fandom is the usage of pornographic material, because, hey, sex sells. By just adding the singular tag ‘smut,’ you are enthralling one side of an audience. They will be willing to read the fic each and every update for the chance of a sex scene. And, the fact that WDHTD opens up with one, reassures the readers that yes, sex is in here, and will probably be in here more than once. It’s a format a lot of authors go to.

Blue is also keeping the reader in the dark. Why did Larry leave Sal? You have to read the first 10 chapters to just find out the answer to that one question, which also happens to be the main plot point. Humans are curious creatures, and we’re going to keep reading to find out an answer if the story isn’t too terribly off putting no matter what.

However, this blindness also gives the reader the time to feel Sal’s anguish, brew their hatred for Larry, and in general, just feel sorrow at the whole situation. Only to have all these conflicting emotions ripped from you when Larry admits, while puking his guts out, his reasons for leaving. This moment is positively pivotal, and the author needs to sell that this character-you-thought-was-bad-is-actually-a-sweetheart in order for the rest of the story to fill the reader with more raw emotion and give them the prime reading experience. For the most part, I’d say Blue succeeds in this, but we will cover this point more in the second part of the analysis.

The author here is using a buttload of foreshadowing. I dare one of Yawll to tell me in my inbox that you didn’t know Larry was going to OD. We all knew it, we really did, we were just praying that it wouldn’t happen. But with every little incident, Like Travis revealing Larry relapsing could kill him as ScreamFest neared, it creates an incredible sense of dread that leaves the reader on the edge of their seat. It’s like a thriller almost (not really, but indulge me here), and it makes you unable to close Ao3.

The author is also using research. They are knowledgeable about binding contracts, drug usage, and medical conditions. We’ll discuss why this matters in the third point of this analysis.

2. What is the effect of that writing on a reader?

I heavily addressed a lot of this question in the first point, but there’s one thing I want to talk about here. Let’s discuss why it’s very important for the author to convince the reader that Larry Johnson is a sweetheart who was forced to leave his fiancée and not a total jerk who had a choice.

Even when the reader doesn’t know why Larry left Sal, it’s foreshadowed that he still has feelings for the bluenet. Let’s take a moment that happened right after my favorite scene when Larry is about to tell Sal something but is cut off by the screams of rabid fangirls. The whole moment, the whole scene, had been tender. Deep down, the reader is faintly aware that something is up, that this hatred can’t be as searing as it is portrayed. The reader is still wary of Johnson as they should be, but they’re also suspicious that there’s more than meets the eye because Larry’s acting a little lovesick. This helps soften the reader’s attitude towards him before the big reveal.

Then, we get to the turning point. The reason for Larry leaving is out, and all the readers are scurrying off their beds to get tissues. The reader has a very crucial internal fight here:

A) Forgive Larry Johnson (99% of the readers choice) or

B) Do Not Forgive Larry Johnson (like me because I’m a stupid hardass)

For the rest of WDHTD to hit the reader as it is intended, the reader must choose option A in that moment. There’s very little turnover time for any B choosers because Sal accepts Larry back at an alarming rate. So, in most cases, I’d say whatever choice your mind goes to in that instant dictates the reading experience you’re going to have.

In most cases, I’d say Ironiclittlebaby does this perfectly, plays the readers right into their hands, so let’s focus on why they set up this game of “Hey, he’s not a bad guy like you thought he was.”

For one, it makes the reader more vulnerable. It almost feels like you’ve been in Sal’s shoes-everything you thought was true has been erased. Like Sal, the reader’s going to be exposed. When Larry starts showing affection towards Sal, the reader is going to jump on that but also be worried. Because, hey, the truth was reversed once, so the same thing could happen again, right? As well as Sal’s, this strategy makes Larry gain the reader’s trust, making his downfall that more heart shattering.

It also gives the reader a rush of euphoria. It feels like you’ve just climbed a mountain. “Hey, I’ve conquered the angsty slopes, and now I can see the fluff filled valleys below!” This wistful mindset settles in to most fic readers heads, and they’re just so happy for the turnaround. Which also makes the new angst even worse.

Now, why would it be bad if the readers chose option B?

If you chose Option A, go ahead and close your eyes with me. Imagine rereading every one of the 27 published chapters but instead of rooting for LarryFace, you can’t help but feel this disgust for Larry. If you thought he had a choice when leaving Sal, then your mind probably cheered when it was introduced that Travis had a crush on Sal. You probably hoped, even though you knew it wouldn’t work out, that Salvis would become the new ship. If you were constantly rooting for Travis and maybe even felt disappointment when Sal chose Larry, Larry’s demise will not hit you the same. There will be thoughts like ‘he deserved this’ that destroy what the author intended to make you feel. Instead of sadness, your gut is left feeling what every fic author fears that their readers will feel: indifference.

But hey, I’d say that Blue pulls off their intended effect super well. I’d say the obsession the fandom has over this fic really shows that they crafted the trick well.

3. Why does that matter?

First, let’s talk about why research matters.

Most fic readers aren’t going to be very knowledgeable about certain things, so authors can really gloss over topics most of the time. However, there’s always that one group of readers that are knowledgeable about the topic at hand, and having complete bullshit in your story could really turn them away. I’d also like to say that having thoroughly researched your topics just really shows to any reader. We might not know the specifics of the topic, but it warns our heart that the author cared enough to put some time in the fic besides just writing.

Secondly and lastly, why does making the reader sad matter?

I’m going to keep this short and sweet because I can hear dogs barking outside, and it’s time for me to sleep.

When the readers has lows, it makes the high that much sweeter. A fic full of straight fluff gets boring after awhile; there has to be some sort of conflict to make a story interesting. And all this angst is going to make the happy ending of We Don’t Have To Dance just that much more tear jerking.

Not part of the analysis, but I just want to point out that Blue’s writing improves so god damn much as the chapters progress. Like, my breath was taken away by their striking style by chapter 27. They’re going places, and I’m excited to watch.

I’d also like to say it is a devastatingly beautiful piece of work, and personal opinion, it kind of sucks that most fans just dote on the sexual side of it. It’s so much more than just another smut fic.

Alright, thank you for listening to me rant. It’s time to log off and go practice my own writing by working on my fics.

[nijicx]

BNHA OC- Shimisuke

Name:

Shimisuke ['Shimi' for short]Age: 17 (one year older than everyone else in first year)

Nationality

Japanese

Hero Name:

Pustule

Quirk:

Pustule  [Gross-out Warning]

Quirk Characteristics:

Shimi has a particularly destructive quirk. Upon contact is made with the flat of his palm, tiny, almost microscopic barbs release a bio-toxin which immediately causes bouquets of pustules and boils to form.  An even more intense effect can be had by scratching someones skin with his fingernails, which produce the toxin beneath the fingernails as a way to defend from would-be predators.

Lastly, he has two glands at the back of his mouth where his wisdom teeth should be. These have a hyper concentration of the toxin, and by coating things in the secretion from this gland, he can cause boils and pustules so large and severe, that he can command them to explode from a distance away.

Quirk Limitations:

Overuse sometimes causes him to have break-outs, which to him is the worst of any quirk limitation ever. He would much rather just get headaches or throw up like most people. He often wears masks to school after over usage. Other annoying side effects is when overused he can develop hives or rashes or his gums might swell.

While the toxins from the glands at the back of his mouth are incredibly useful for dealing painful damage to an enemy, he cannot shoot them from the glands. Instead, he coats something in it by putting it in his mouth and then launching it at them. The way he has devised for this to work is by chewing sour jawbreakers. The sourness stimulates the glands as it also triggers salivation, and then he places it into a sling mounted on his glove and shoots it at the opponent. There is a strap both between his thumb and fore-finger, as well as one on the back of his hand. While he is quite a good shot, a moving target at long range would be very difficult to hit.

Secondly, because his quirk can be very dangerous and destructive, he must be very careful when using it. When the large pustules or boils explode, infection can set in incredibly quickly for the opponent, and if they are attacked and get away, the opponent must seek medical attention shortly afterwards or possibly be left with a very painful flesh wound and dangerous infection of the tissues.

Background:

Shimi, like most young boys, dreamed of being a hero until he was around 11 years old. Before then he was a little shit. (Again, like most young boys) he gave teachers trouble, was rowdy, and was the class clown. He could be disruptive but was overall just a harmless, albeit, annoying little brat.

With a gentle tap his quirk can cause small breakouts on people and so his favorite gag was bopping one of them on the forehead during school picture day.

While messing around with his friends one day he got a brilliant idea to spitball a girl he had a crush on in class.

Nana was seen by the nurse and it wasn't serious, but it left her with a scar on her face for life.

Shimi was sent to a quirk doctor straight from the school and it was discovered that he had physically matured into the glands as they hadn't been present when his quirk manifested around 4.

He wasn't punished for the harm he caused as it was proven he had no idea he thought he would hurt her but he did get detention for the spitball in general. During his time in detention he became aware of how grave it would have been if she'd been hit in the eye. She likely would have lost her sight in it immediately. It left him feeling like he got off very easy for something that could have affected someones whole life.

After this is became rather introverted. Always fearful that his body would somehow mature and develop another new dangerous ability and hurt someone. He became distanced from his friends and instead, made relationships with people online, as he didn't have to make contact with them at all to be friends.

This led to him spending late nights online playing games with others to supplement the lack of human interaction during the day. It led to him getting the reputation of a lazy, sort of delinquent later in middle school. It also didn't help that rumors were spread and twisted that he had been bullying a quirkless girl, something that really didn't sit right with the other kids.  It was in his second year of middle school that he was finally put back into a class with Nana.

He made up his mind that he needed to apologize to her better, since the first one he made was in the presence of both of their sets of parents and didn't feel like he got to say the things he wanted to say.

Approaching her wasn't difficult though, she had always been quiet and removed from most circles. She was quirkless and while she had friends she never really did anything with them. After explaining everything to her she told him that she never held it against them. Because of the two's lonely nature and being the last to be picked for everything in class due to how much he stood out as a delinquent, and how little Nana stood out at all. They worked together often and gradually became best friends.

Trouble with them didn't start until the end of middle school when they were studying and applying for the exams at the highschools of their choice. The trouble came when going through his paperwork she didn't see any applications for any of the known hero schools at all.

She shoved them in his face and asked what exactly he was doing in what probably was the most show of force he'd ever seen her exude. He told her that his quirk was dangerous, and that he couldn't know what its capable of. It being best to subdue it and try and live a normal life. Understandably confused by the sudden frustration from her he asked her if he was wrong somehow.

"I've never resented you for this until just now"

She stormed out, and this caused an almost month-long rift between then, Nana refusing to see or study with him at all. Eventually Shimi asked her to explain, since he didn't want to go off to highschool without knowing what he did wrong. Nanako relenting and explaining to him, that she didn't resent him for it, not because it was an accident, but because someday the same power that hurt her would be used to do something , which in-turn, would give her a reason not to be so self-conscious about it. She was a quirkless civilian and in her mind, could only be saved or hurt by others powers. And if it was a Hero who scarred her, the anger she felt about being born quirkless at all would disappear.  Her outlook alarmed Shimi but she refused to be swayed.

They reconciled that neither could change the others beliefs but it didn't stop Nana's subtle guilt-trips which gradually got more and more out-there as time went on. The act of trying to motivate Shimi to do something with his power by showing him how cool he could look, actually helping her to come out of her shell a bit and become more confident.  Often striking All-Might-esque poses while standing on benches and saying "THIS COULD BE YOU YOUNG-SHIMI"

This continued into their first year of highschool. They both got in, and since Shimi didn't have any particular motivations for his future, he decided to go to the school Nana was choosing. Not having her in his class though also meant less motivation to come to school again.

Shimi would often show up late to class with coffee and his headphones in, and was sometimes absent all together. His grades suffered and his teachers were all at a loss as to what to do with him as no amount of afterschool chores or detentions seemed to have any effect on him.

Close to the end of their first year of highschool, while Nana and him were walking home. She asked him again if this is how he's gunna live forever. Telling him that just having the choice already made his life so full of opportunities that she'll never even realize. And yet he wanted to live just like her instead. She asked him again, why he thought his quirk couldn't be useful, to which Shimi replied: "Because my quirk can really, really hurt people." To which Nana replied, "Yeah, and some people do it on purpose." Shimi applied for U.A. a week later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He was accepted but would be far too behind to enter second year, even if he spent all summer trying to catch up. Instead, he was allowed to join first years and start from the ground up. Therefore, he is a year older than the rest of the other students and was the butt of a lot of jokes in the beginning. Him and Gangan quickly became friends after their first match-ups and often team up when fighting against the kids in the International Exchange course.

Nana sends him a text before every big match that says "don't miss! (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و✧" To which Shimi always responds "When in your life, have you ever known me to miss."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Funfacts:

-Him and Winston are mortal enemies, Him and Gangan are rivals to most of my main U.A. children.

-He is a very good strategist likely because he's constantly playing strategy video-games. He is the one on his team who usually comes up with the plan of attack.

-He is a member of the same guild that Eite is in their online MMO, but neither know that the two spend all night playing with eachother.

-Because he is a year older than everyone in first year, people, to his dismay, trust him with a lot of things, and due to his dead-pan, rather removed expression, he can sometimes tease them by feeding them false information and then when they go "really" he'll be like "no." -_-

-Shimi means “blotch” in Japanese

[bloodfcst-a]

Hey, y’all. Tumblr’s been setting off my anxiety in the last few days, thus the reason I’ve been away. I’ll give you a full explanation under the cut for those who are interested (though I’d really appreciate it if you all read it anyway), and provide some contact information for places you can find me.

Discord: conjure. ☆#6443 Twitch: ninabeanxo Twitter: mishtadelet

I’ve been kind of quiet on Discord lately & I’m the most active on Twitter. I also announce when I’m streaming on Twitter, so... yeah. Sorry about this.

I want to be here. I really do. But there’s something about the summers on Tumblr that are really hard on me. I also think people’s attitudes change & idk why, but people seem to treat me pretty rudely? I try so hard to be approachable, to be kind and positive and supportive, but the amount that people try to take advantage of me or are just plain rude to me is?? So wild. So for those reasons, I’ve just kind of been isolating myself lately, and I may seem a little distant/less approachable/not talking much about myself because tbh... some of y’all are just haphazardly setting off my anxiety / panic attacks and I seriously can’t do it. I already have PTSD, so it’s a fucking nightmare lmao.

There is no gentle way of saying this, but it really needs to be stated. Please respect my triggers, or I will not talk to you. Please respect if I ask you not to mention something or someone to me.

and this is a really big one....

Please respect my boundaries.

If I have mentioned to you that I am not vibing with someone, do not send me media of them / that includes them, do not ask me about ships with them, do not tag me in posts of / with them, and please stop asking me about group verses / affiliated servers. In my time on tumblr, I’ve dealt with theft, bullying, emotional abuse, sexual harassment & solicitation. I’m constantly asking myself ‘ Why me? ’ but more than that, I’m really trying to avoid further situations from happening. I haven’t found an answer. I’m guessing it’s ‘cause I’m soft / nice? idk. Stop ruining a good thing. Y’all are gonna make me bitter, dang. 

When I made this blog, I was explicit that I do not want to be in mainstream FF fandom. When I promo this blog, I even say primarily fandomless & canon-divergent. There is way too much messiness in the fandom, extremely toxic people & tendencies there, and I just don’t like fandom discussion. Regardless of my reasons, the point is that I’m not interested, so please stop trying to entice me to go back. It’s so blatantly rude & shows you think your interests & wishes are more important than my comfort level, and I don’t appreciate that sentiment in the slightest.

That being said, I know Yufi reads differently. That’s why I put so much work into her metas. I even have two tags for all the content. At some point I’ll even have a less minimalistic blog & with more links so it’s super accessible ( in the off chances searching for the ‘  meta ’ and ‘ kisaragi ‘ tags don’t work ). But in the meantime... ask questions. Read. Join a stream. I’ve literally streamed games & movies for folks privately & occasionally stream now. I actually started a new file of VII not too long ago and just got Yuffie, so I could literally have a gameplay stream where we go through canon together. I’m like... nearly begging. Don’t make assumptions.

Again, there are so many resources. There’s wikis, there’s the tags, there’s the inbox ( just ask! ), there’s streams, there’s gameplay & commentary videos, there’s stuff. If you are confused or unsure, I would much rather you reach out. This is regardless of how long I’ve known you, ‘cause some of us have known me for a while and still don’t know anything about me or my portrayal or how to interact, in- or out-of-character.

On the topic of assumptions (because it really is that important, so many issues stem from assumptions & you continuously making the wrong assumptions will leave me less inclined to speak with you, nevermind interact), let’s address some.

I do not write a hyper-sexualized muse. I know this is fanon because of her choice in clothes... however, clothes are a fashion choice, and do not reflect a person’s... existence? I don’t know if it’s the masculinity or the rape culture or what but... what she’s wearing does not mean she deserves any hypersexual treatment... and also as an extension, myself ( bc this happens way too frequently-- please stop seeing my muse and then approaching me about your personal sexual fantasies. It is extremely uncomfortable, as someone who is sex-neutral & demiromantic, to be randomly selected to talk about sex? with me personally? via my muse? Or about my muse when we have zero chemistry? Why do y’all think this is okay??). When I do choose to write sexual / nsfw content, it’s always after conversations ( plural!! ) with my writing partner & after I feel comfortable with the topic and with them. But even if I had her hoein’ it up on the dash, that doesn’t mean to make assumptions about her character (bc maybe there’s character motivations I need to write a meta for & it’s part of her background) or me (the mun is not the muse!! say it with me!!).

I do not write a kleptomanic. Again, this is entirely fanon, because Yuffie says in literally everything she’s mentioned in that she does not steal without a purpose-- and the highest purpose is that she’s stealing items that would restore the power and glory of Wutai or for her personal safety. However, I very rarely write theft... I try really hard to steer clear of the topic because I’m aware that it’s like the #1 thing she’s reduced to. She’s a thief class, yes, but that is not the only dimension to her. I could go on, but I think that’s enough.

Just because our characters share canon does not mean they’re going to have chemistry. I am canon-divergent. But not only that... Yuffie just doesn’t vibe with most people as a canon fact. She is an outsider to like... 99% of people, exclusion being Godo ( Wutai ) & the Turks & the WRO. She doesn’t even claim herself as a member of AVALANCHE. Not only this, but the dynamic she has with one Reeve or Cloud does not represent every duplicate-- that comes with plotting and with chemistry. We will have to plot & work together to figure out exactly how our versions of characters mesh. This is a collaborative hobby.... so the collaborating shouldn’t be that much of a surprise. 

If you come guns-a-blazin’ without clearly having read anything about my portrayal, with completely inaccurate characterizations & just assume because we’re friendly out-of-character I’m gonna be pleased with it.... you’re dead wrong. I’m actually just... a very kind and nice person. I may just gently offer you some suggestions or corrections. But if you repeatedly come with your assumptions &  pre-conceived notions and it’s clear you’re not paying literally any attention to me or my ideas about my portrayal...  I’ll probably just recommend you to another duplicate. I know one who stole a ton of my content & former friends, so you’ll be in good hands. 

If you’re here, I assume that you want to write with me, not the idea of me. I’m a person with feelings & interests too, y’know ?? I feel like somehow that’s easy to forget with me for some reason, given how often people feel inclined to overstep my boundaries & act so disrespectful to me. Which is... fucking wild, honestly !! I’ve even had a person deadass say to my face “ I didn’t think/know you’d want to be treated with appreciation and respect. ” What the actual fuck does that mean? What kind of dominant abuser mentality ??????? Y’all on this site stress me out!!

The last two weeks have been legit stupid stressful on me, and I’ve had some interpersonal changes with folks in the last month (mainly in private) all regarding these subjects. About people here feeling entitled to be rude to me & finding all sorts of justifications for it (I’ve heard everything from “my grandma was sick” to “work’s hard”-- what’s that gotta do with you curb stomping me & my ideas/feelings, and telling me my emotions aren’t relevant in comparison to yours? It doesn’t). And it’s just been weighing down on me a lot. I don’t usually go on main here to discuss issues like this, but because it’s been OVERWHELMING in the last few weeks (and also, bc being nice to everyone is kinda common sense ? and idk why folks here seem to think I’m excluded from the ‘everyone’???), it just seemed like now, while I’m isolating a bit in an attempt to focus on some self-healing, would be a great time to discuss things.

I know this was a long post... but there’s been a lot of injustices done to me on here & in life, so....... if it burdens you to read all this, imagine how shitty it feels to have to experience it. Yeah. It’s rough, pals.

I don’t know how to really end this post godhsaohof. I’m hoping this will kind of open someone’s eyes & like... maybe things will change. I’ve stated before, but I have chronic illness so I really can’t handle stress or, for lack of a better term, a lot of bullshit tbh. If you wouldn’t say it to someone with a dying illness or cancer or a soft sweet grandma, don’t say it to me. Because that’s literally me! I’ve got an illness I’m dying from & I’ve had cancer & I’m soft and sweet! tl;dr, stop being so mean to me dang. I didn’t do anything to deserve this.

[homenum-revelio-hq]

Welcome to the Order of the Phoenix, Gabe!

You have been accepted for the role of CARADOC DEARBORN, with your requested faceclaim change to Michael B. Jordan! Your application was so lovely. I particularly loved how you showed Caradoc’s personality as having changed since his mother’s death and their close relationship was beautiful. I also enjoyed how you incorporated Caradoc’s role in the Order and how he’s not always as he seems. I am so excited to have you as part of this roleplay!

Please take a look at the new member checklist and send in your account within 24 hours! Thank you for joining the fight against Voldemort!

OUT OF CHARACTER:

NAME: Gabe 

AGE: 22 

TIMEZONE: GMT-3 

ACTIVITY LEVEL: I’m really free lately so I can be around pretty easily, at least popping in every other day to do threads on most weeks. Weekends are a little busy for me, as I tend to take that aside for socializing, but on week days I’m pretty much always around. Especially in the evenings.

ANYTHING ELSE: [TRIGGERS REDACTED] As far as experience, I’ve been in several roleplay groups on tumblr for the past 8 years or so, many of them Harry Potter (and mostly marauders) themed! In fact, my first RP experience was a marauders era group when I was about 14 and barely knew English, so writing in this world always feels a bit like coming home.

CHARACTER DETAILS:

NAME: Caradoc Dearborn 

AGE: 28 

GENDER, PRONOUNS, and SEXUALITY: Cis male, he/him/his, pansexual. If you asked him, though, you probably wouldn’t get so quick of an answer (you’d probably get a lecture instead). Truth is, coming from a pureblood family, gender and sexuality haven’t ever been topics in the foreground of his mind. He’s more of a liberal when it comes to it, he’ll be attracted to whoever he feels attracted to, and that’s the end of that; labels are for muggles. He’s sure his father would want him to have a pureblood wife to give him a pureblood heir to carry the family name, but Caradoc isn’t too worried about that for now. 

BLOOD STATUS: Pureblood 

HOUSE ALUMNI: Hufflepuff 

ANY CHANGES: I’d love to play him as Michael B. Jordan, if that’s okay! I find that his face fits better with what I have in mind, and Michael also has more resources, from what I’ve researched so far. I’m pretty visual when it comes to building characters, and I like to use gifs whenever I can, so having a proper range of resources is important to me.

CHARACTER BACKGROUND:

PERSONALITY: 

Caradoc’s personality can be divided into two big blocks of before and after – the big catalyst dividing them being his mother’s passing. He used to be all smiles and easy laughter before. Even with his parents’ constant warning, the severity of it all never used to bother him. He spent his years at Hogwarts charming away professors and making friends, and anyone would describe him as a laid back, easy-going bloke.

Now, not so much.In the current present, Caradoc has a lot more baggage weighing down on his shoulders. He is private, a lot more emotionally shut off, and his biggest focus is set on winning this war. Meeting new people and making friends isn’t his priority, and he doesn’t mind being called “boring” for not taking a joke if it means he’s keeping everyone in check. Contrary to popular belief, he is easily amused and can take a joke – he’s just not as good at externalizing it as everyone else. He has too much on his plate now, and most days, forcing out a smile feels like it might take all of his energy.

He is decisive to the point of stubbornness, and he’ll stand for what he believes in even if it drags him to an early grave, like a true Hufflepuff. He’s never been good with plants or caring for others’ health, like many others in his house, but he always had that same protectiveness in him. He’s empathetic and sensitive, carrying out what his mother had taught him, and his heart is bigger than his body, even if he doesn’t show it much.

A lot of people seem to trust him, and he doesn’t take that lightly. In fact, it’s part of the reason why he doesn’t worry about being called a stick-in-the-mud. He knows being more sober and stern is what makes him easy to trust, as opposed to many of his peers who are more out-going and childish. The amount of trust put on him doesn’t go unappreciated, and he always hopes to honor that sentiment.

BRIEF OVERVIEW OF FAMILY: 

Caradoc was born to a Hufflepuff mother and a Slytherin father, and as you would expect from such a pair, Caradoc would say he got the best of both worlds.

His mother was a kind soul, gentle and optimistic even in the darkest of times, a strongly opinionated woman who never bowed down to the magical society’s standards  – it’s no wonder she ended up in Hufflepuff during her time at Hogwarts. She always made sure to cater to Caradoc’s softer side growing up, and he’s terribly grateful for it now. In the world they live in today, it’s more important than ever to be able to see the beauty in the small things, and if he still has the strength to hold on to any last slither of hope he has, he owes that to his mother.

Losing his mother made a great impact in Caradoc’s life. They were so close that he still feels as if a part of him died with her that day, and anyone who knew him before and after the incident might agree. He didn’t always carry the weight he does now, and he’d been a much different teenager. Once upon a time, when his biggest issues were simply potions lessons and house points, his face would light up with more ease and his laughter would boom across the dining halls more often than not. It was her death that changed him. He lost a best friend, his most important life support, and he vowed to never lose sight of what really matters, and make her fight count.

His father, who had always been a stricter parent, has found himself with hollow eyes and softer edges since the loss of his wife. He and Caradoc had never been too close, but grief pushed them together. For Caradoc, at sixteen, losing his mom felt like losing the glue that kept the family together. His father had always been caring, but he wasn’t a warm presence in their house; not distant, but callous, lacking some of the empathy that was so present in his wife’s personality.

Caradoc is closer to his father now than he was in teenage years, but he still wouldn’t say they’re good friends. They’re family, bonded through blood and grief more than anything, and as much as he loves his predecessor, he likes to keep things at an arms-length distance. The older man has very strict beliefs about how his son should live his life, ideals that are outdated and too biased, in Doc’s opinion, and on that they may never see eye-to-eye.

It hardly matters to Caradoc if he will find a pureblood woman to marry or not, let alone to have children with – he thinks bringing new children into their current world would be immoral, even. He doesn’t have time to think about futile things such as wedding plans when there’s a war happening in his backyard, though the idea forces its way across his mind weekly, every time his father mentions the possibility of an arranged union, if he fails to find someone for himself. The only thing that keeps him from caving to his father’s expectations is knowing that his mother, wherever she is, is probably rolling her eyes at them.

OCCUPATION: 

Caradoc is an Obliviator, working for the ministry (and most of all, the Order) to keep their world safe behind closed doors. He likes to believe it’s the right field for him, as he’s able to help others and make himself useful, but it’s not always an easy job when he finds himself in crossroads between morality and safety. It’s tiring, and it takes an emotional toll bigger than he ever expected it to.

ROLE WITHIN THE ORDER/THOUGHTS ABOUT THE ORDER: 

Keeping himself and everyone else centered – that’s Caradoc’s main goal.He’s aware of what the others say, and he’s been called many names, everything from hyper-focused to stick-in-the-mud, but it doesn’t bother him. If no one else will take the role of bad cop, he’ll gladly do so, and remind everyone that this is not a book club or meetings for afternoon tea, their fight has to come first. It’s easy for him to feel out of place in there, even as a member of the inner circle. Sometimes, it feels like he operates on a completely different system than the other members, at least emotionally. Overall, he has genuine faith that they can win this – otherwise he would’ve given up by now –, even if he’s not always so trusting of all the members.

SURVIVAL: 

Caradoc stays low, and that isn’t so hard when you’re not looking to make new friends. He moves periodically, every year or so, and he always keeps a suitcase packed with his most precious belongings, just in case he needs a quick escape. He doesn’t exactly hide from the world, given his job as an Obliviator, but he keeps himself quiet enough that he doesn’t raise suspicion. For anyone outside of the Order, he’s just an odd bloke who gets his job done and doesn’t like to hang out much. In reality, Caradoc is constantly mapping out escape routes and keeping an eye on everyone around him, and he won’t hesitate to throw the first spell if he doesn’t see a way out.

RELATIONSHIPS: 

Relationships can be hard for Caradoc for anyone who’s met him after the death of his mother. If a part of him truly died with her, that part was his emotional availability. Unlike many others, he’s seen what this war can do, how it can rip someone out of your life as quickly as the blink of an eye, and part of the reason he’s so closed off is to avoid losing someone again. He already has his dad to look after, and, as much as he’d like to deny it, all of the Order, too. These are people he holds near and dear to his heart, and he’s already painfully protective of them, he can’t let himself get any closer.

Some specifics that aren’t in his bio:

ALICE LONGBOTTOM: As much as he may not trust her husband, Caradoc is actually quite fond of Alice. She’s a solid presence in the Order, someone who isn’t as much of a firecracker as the newcomers, and yet, doesn’t carry the exhaustion some of the other older members have. She’s someone he trusts entirely, and he hopes she knows that.

DORCAS MEADOWS: She is annoying, that’s for sure. Even so, of course Caradoc would be fond of her, as a fellow Hufflepuff – and one that reminds him so much of his younger self, no less. He’ll probably deny it if you ask him, but he finds her antics quite entertaining, and he likes having her around. In fact, he thinks all of the younger members are incredibly important to keep the organization alive and burning, and he thinks their spirits are always uplifting to have around when his faith is running a little low. He’s never had a sibling, but he imagines this is what having a younger sister would be like.

CONNOR BROWN: There aren’t many people who remember the Caradoc from before, and maybe that’s why hanging out around Connor feels so easy, sometimes. The two couldn’t be more different from each other if they tried, but more often than not, Caradoc finds himself hanging around at the Ganymede Gentleman’s Club for his company, as well as to let himself be entertained by the various performers there. The place (and Connor) is usually bright and loud enough to clear his mind when he needs a distraction, and you might think he looks like someone is forcing him to be there, but you might just catch glimpses of a smile if you look closely enough.

OOC EXPLORATION:

SHIPS/ANTI-SHIPS: I don’t have any ships in mind yet. I think it’ll be extremely fun to watch him navigate a relationship and romance, if it happens, since he’s actively trying to avoid one. I’m definitely very open to it happening, even if it’s not my main focus or goal right now. Whoever he has chemistry with, I’ll be happy to write out.

WHAT PRIVILEGES AND BIASES DOES YOUR CHARACTER HAVE?

As much as the alumni of his house in particular are good at trying to end prejudice, Caradoc is still an only child of two purebloods, and bound to have some ideas drilled into him from before he could think for himself.

For the most part, he’s been good at breaking down stereotypes and rearranging his mind to be kinder towards others, and to recognize his privileges. But most importantly, he’s good at hiding it. Caradoc is inquisitive, but he’s the type to think three times before he speaks, which means he keeps a lot to himself. Despite his father’s strict and old-fashioned beliefs, he came out a pretty open-minded bloke, so he’ll listen to anyone who wants to share their story. He never claims to understand what other people go through, and he does his best to take their word for it when they speak up. He’s only mildly aware of his position in the world, as a man from a wealthy and well-known family, and how lucky he is for it.

That isn’t to say he doesn’t have his biases, of course. The ghost of his father’s underlying bigotry towards muggleborns is the only bias he’s painfully conscious of, and one still present, but that he actively fights to change. He still catches himself surprised when a muggleborn performs better than a pureblood at a magical task, and he still has the instinct to twist his nose at muggles’ weird habits and ways to raise their children, but he’s gotten better at catching those thoughts and shooing them away before they develop.

When it comes to werewolves, he definitely has a bone to pick. If asked, he’d tell you that it’s simply a horrible curse to fall upon someone and that he feels sorry for them, but if he ever found out about Remus, he’d be the first suggesting to kick the boy out of the Order. He doesn’t think they can be trusted. There’s not much they know about half-breeds in general, and when it comes to such an important cause like theirs, they can’t be taking any chances.

Another very specific, sort of odd bias he has would be against people who choose to build families in the world they currently live in. There are more pressing issues than diapers and bottles right now, and bringing an innocent child into this mess – not to mention when there are so many orphans out there – feels absurd to him. He understands accidents happen, but for the people who actively choose pregnancies in such chaos, he’s appalled.

WHAT ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO?

I found this place because a friend showed it to me, and I was terribly excited to join because boy oh boy, do I miss marauder-era groups. Fun fact, in my first ever group RP here on tumblr, I played a Caradoc for a while! It was short-lived and terrible because I was a teen learning to write, and I like this Doc much, much better. I was originally going to apply for Emmeline, ended up deciding against it because an app for her came in and I figured I’d fill another role – and it worked out for the best, because I’m so much more excited about Caradoc! I’m looking forward to exploring the relationships within the Order and seeing all the chaos that will surely happen once they all run loose. Doc is a character with a lot of space to grow and who could be in the middle of many plot points, being an assertive voice and part of the inner circle of the Order, so I’m thrilled about all of this.

PLOT DROP IDEAS (OPTIONAL): I’m not sure if it’s much of a plot drop idea, but I think Caradoc’s profession could be used as a reason for suspicion later on. It was Nicky who suggested it first, actually, that someone (likely muggleborn, since purebloods rely more on Obliviators) could start growing a little wary of his job. Since he works erasing people’s memories, it wouldn’t be crazy to wonder if he’s done it to any of them before – at least not in a time where everyone is doubting everyone. So that’s just a thought.

ANYTHING ELSE? Nope! Thank you for reading, and sorry for rambling! aaa

[atheistj]

Lately I’ve been thinking about all the female fans of Lord of the Rings. The books and movies are very popular among women, which you wouldn’t necessarily expect given that there are far more male characters than female characters. So what’s different about this franchise compared to other male dominated franchises? It’s a pretty obvious answer that I’m sure has been discussed before. It’s the way in which the male characters are portrayed, and the emphasis on their relationships with each other. To put it simply, they’re well written characters that don’t fall into the “macho alpha male” trope, and in a big action franchise, that’s pretty refreshing.

I’d say the only characters that come close to falling under that trope, but still don’t, are Aragorn, Boromir, and Eomer.

Aragorn would be the most obvious character to end up as the macho alpha dude given that he’s one of the best fighters in the movies, he’s a romantic lead, and he’s got the “great destiny” trope. He’s not the macho alpha male in the books at all, and they avoided portraying him that way in the movie. Aragorn is probably one of the softest characters in the series. You can see that in his interactions with Arwen and also Frodo. He’s very protective of the whole fellowship, constantly looking out for all of them, and he doesn’t try to pretend otherwise. He’s never the cold guy who secretly cares. He openly cares. As for his “great destiny” to be king, he rejects it for a long time because he was ashamed to be Isildur’s heir given how Isildur fell to the Ring’s power. He doesn’t take on his destiny to be king eagerly. He gradually accepts it and eventually embraces it, and is able to succeed against the Ring where Isildur had failed.

In terms of personality, Boromir is probably closer to that alpha male trope than Aragorn. He’s a proud and stubborn soldier. His people adore him and see him as a heroic warrior. He rejects Aragorn as king immediately when he discovered his heritage. A lot of these things would typically have him fall under the trope. However, he still doesn’t, for some of the same reasons Aragorn doesn’t. In the flashback scene with Faramir, Boromir is unabashedly tender with his brother. He tries to credit Faramir with their victory at Osgiliath to their father, and when Denethor insults Faramir, he tries to tell him that Faramir loves him and clearly hates his “favorite son” position. He is in no way the jerk big brother. This is further reinforced by how much Faramir mourns him after Boromir dies.

Boromir’s friendship with Merry and Pippin is a favorite among fans, for good reason. Fellowship of the Ring did a great job of including small scenes of Boromir looking out for them, making it all the more heartbreaking when he died protecting them. In a lot of their scenes, you can see that Boromir had a big brother instinct. A great moment is when all the hobbits are crying about the loss of Gandalf and it’s Boromir who wants to let them have a moment to grieve, and not press on in their journey. Yes, Boromir may have momentarily succumbed to the power of the Ring, but he redeems himself when he dies protecting Merry and Pippin. As for his relationship with Aragorn and his initial skepticism of him, the first movie and book shows his developing respect for Aragorn. Ultimately, at the end of his life, he pledged his support for Aragorn as his king. Boromir was next in line to rule Gondor as steward, and he would have given that up to follow Aragorn. Boromir may have been stubborn and proud, traits you’d expect the alpha male character to have, but his relationship with his brother, Merry, Pippin, and others, as well as his development in regards to Aragorn, all prevent him from filling that trope.

Eomer is another character that could come pretty close to falling under the alpha male trope. He has that hard ass personality, far more than both Aragorn and Boromir. I think he shields his emotions more than both of them. When Gimli makes a relatively harmless comment, even if it was a little biting, Eomer’s reaction is to belittle him for his size and to threaten to cut off his head. He also jokes about Merry’s size and believes him incapable because he is small, and that his sister is incapable because she is a woman. All of that is par for the course for alpha male characters.

I think in the book we get more of Eomer’s development. There is more focus on how he and Gimli make up and become friends. We also get to hear more about the loss of his parents, which is likely what turned him into such a hard ass. What the movies did well, and Karl Urban deserves a lot of credit for it, is show his tenderness towards Eowyn. They don’t have too many scenes, but whenever they’re on screen together, Karl will do something like touch her shoulder or make eye contact with her. He’s always very aware of her, and these little moments show us how much he cares for her. This ultimately leads up to his discovery of what he believes to be Eowyn’s dead body after the battle at Minas Tirith. In both the book and the movie, Eomer is devastated. In the book he becomes essentially suicidal, charging into battle recklessly after he sees her. In the movie, he weeps openly and cradles her body in his arms. He doesn’t leave her side in the Houses of Healing. Eomer’s adoration of his sister, similar to Boromir’s love for Faramir, to me, keeps him from the alpha male trope.

Those are the only three characters that I would say come close to the hyper masculine lead we often see in film, but for the reasons I just gave, none of them really fall under that category.

As for the other characters, I wouldn’t say Gimli or Legolas are anywhere near that trope. Both of them are super badass, but that’s about the only thing they have in common with that trope. Yes, they’re distrusting of each other at first, trading insults and the like, but ultimately, they become best friends. This friendship is also a fan favorite. The movies develop it very well, and if anything, it’s emphasized even more in the books. Tolkien describes them as loving each other. Legolas ultimately takes Gimli to the undying lands with him likely because he didn’t want to be parted from him. This sort of emphasis on relationships is part of why this series is so popular. You don’t feel distance between the characters. You do feel like they love each other.

I think Gandalf is also really relevant to this discussion given just about everything he represents as a character. Gandalf is certainly one of the most badass, if not the most badass, characters in the series. The scene when he takes on the Balrog is iconic for a reason. But I think what’s more important about him is the way he loves hobbits, and the simpler things in life. He goes to the Shire because hobbits make him happy. In The Hobbit he says he believes that it is simple acts of kindness that keep darkness at bay. Gandalf is a believer in the good in the world, and the hobbits usually represent that good. Saruman believes it’s all about power, and he is wrong in believing this. Gandalf is both the biggest badass who will take on a Balrog and a softie who loves to go to the Shire and put on a fireworks show for hobbits. You don’t have to be cold and distant to be a badass, and Gandalf exemplifies that.

I hardly think I need to talk about the hobbits. But hey, let’s do it anyway. They’re the heart of the series. Without the hobbits, Middle Earth would not have been saved. The hobbits are heroic not because they’re physically strong or amazing fighters, but because they are good. Deep in their hearts, they are not hungry for power or angry and bitter, they are good and kind, believers in the simple life and simple joys. I think this resonates with a lot of people, because usually the hero is some great and noble warrior, and that is not the case here. I think Merry said it best when he was talking to Eowyn.

“I know there is not much point now in hoping. If I were a knight of Rohan capable of great deeds…but I’m not. I’m a hobbit. And I know I can’t save Middle Earth. I just want to help my friends.”

That I think sums up what is so great about all of the hobbits. Frodo says something similar, that they set out to save the Shire when they went on their mission. They did not do this for the glory or their legacy or any of that. They just wanted to save their home, their friends, and their family. That was what mattered to them, and there is something incredibly noble in that. The hobbits are heroic in a different way than we usually see in movies. We don’t see a lot of characters like them, and that’s what makes them special. Sam and Frodo save Middle Earth essentially with the power of friendship. They loved each other so much that they were able to finish their journey, but only because they had each other to keep going.

I think the other thing that draws people to Lord of the Rings is the optimism of the whole story. There is no cynicism to be found here. In a lot of fantasy, you see this “deep down, everyone is a monster” trope, which I kind of hate. That is not the case in LOTR. Yeah, you see characters succumb to darkness, but they ultimately overcome it. I don’t think you could say about any of the protagonists that they were truly a bad person, and that is something I love about it.

So IDK where this ended up. This started as something about why female fans really love Lord of the Rings, and the alpha male trope, but it turned into just a think piece about the movies. But I think a lot of what I said does relate to why women have been drawn to the series, and why so many of us love it so much.

[millkteeth-blog-blog]

// Thoughts on coming back home/Realizations on my experience //

I am in a reflective space right now thinking back on my experience moving to California & I'm really happy that I made the decision to move back setting a firm decision and standing on it. This passage will include some of my thoughts on why I am coming back because I've written before about the positives of life here so now comes some of the negative sides. Disclaimer though that all negatives are ultimately positive because they all lead me to new realizations toward my betterment. It seems like lately I have been going in circles.. I am still having mental break throughs but only when I am completely relaxed &/or in solitude which most of the time is when I'm in nature. The artificial world here gives me a greater appreciation for the natural world. Work seems to be causing a lot of stress in my life because of the people I am dealing with there on a daily basis. Unfortunately it can sometimes carry over into my time alone & I have to spend some hours grounding myself. My Greatness seems to be overlooked here & it is as if I am simply their servant to be micromanaged & directed every other moment. It really annoys me because it seems like I am walking on egg shells & even though I am doing everything I can to the best of my ability she still seems to notice something wrong and have to make me constantly do something, oftentimes trivial. For examples I will come into work & she will already be giving me an apron to put on when she hasn't even given me a chance to relax and come to that; next handing me the binder with the tasks to be completed; asking me if I completed tasks yet when I still have several hours left in my shift; I have told her before that I am naturally going to do everything she asks plus more so she doesn't have to ask me but she still nags me & doesn't comprehend me. I guess the reason I don't bring up that she's disappointing me is because she is my manager & is only trying to guide me from her perspective so I understand but my ego is large & I seem to think that I have fair judgement & a lot to bring to the table but they don't recognize it like I do. On a good day here this job is just a meditation for me & I actually take joy in doing everything I need to have done at my own pace on my own time. The fruits of my labor are clearly great I keep everything looking shiny and stocked up like I am supposed to but it goes un noticed most of the time. So far as the ego, there is nothing wrong with having a large ego an ego is only your sense of of who you are & I have a strong sense of who I am I know who I am and I love who I am & I love all of my reflections the same way I love myself until they give me a reason not to. A lot of people get the terms 'pride' and 'ego' mixed up; which pride isn't bad either but that's another story. This manager reminds me a lot of a girl I dated in the past she is just very compulsive, hyper-attentive & just can't seem to sit back & relax but she thinks that she's doing everything she's supposed to be doing but by paying attention to all of these surface tasks she is forgetting to pay attention to her own nature & those around her so she becomes insensitive. She just takes work way too seriously it's kind of creepy to see her give like all her energy to it the way she does. The more I contemplate it the more my compassion is activated though and I feel sorry for her because she's clearly confused. I just can't let her confusion hurt me any more that's why I must go. I clearly speak with body language & when she continues to micromanage me it feels like she's taking me along in her mind trip & that doesn't feel balanced to me. Although I have to go on doing what she says in order to keep my  job & get this last paycheck which I plan on using to last me until my  next line of work it is all just a game I have to figure out. So I just have to stay strong for 5 or 6 more shifts then I am Free from this place! It's just funny how a workplace can seem so great, peaceful & serene when experiencing it alone & then when the personalities higher up in the hierarchy become involved can actually become its detriment. They may not realize this until later. Oftentimes it's so funny to me that businesses forget that the People are what make it a successful business. When I am at work I am in harmony with the People & they don't realize the treasure in that. I make customers feel welcomed, accepted, fulfilling their desires, communicating with them & creating a peaceful environment that is what I have to offer. Thoughts like these have lead me to dreaming about owning my own business. I at least would like to find a source of income from something I can use my own gifts towards like my communication skills, creative abilities, leadership qualities, writing, design, etc.. These are things I am pondering deeply upon and hopeful to come to the right conclusion. 

Now, outside of work the city is also just a very draining place to be for a spiritual creature like myself. We shouldn't be seeing buildings, boxes, concrete, cars; dealing with continual traffic; hearing loud noises like planes, trains, horns, etc all on a daily basis. We should be in nature where there is the sight of green (the heart chakra) and brown (the earth, stability, grounding); seeing the trees, the colorful plants & flowers, the blue sky & white clouds; hearing the birds sing & the subtleties of nature in movement; breathing in the fresh air & becoming embraced in the peace & balance nature has to offer us. Boxes do not allow energy to flow; energy flows in spirals and that is all you find in nature (e.x. the cosmos, flowers blooming, trees blooming). The energy is constricted in the concrete jungle, it is limited & stagnated. 

The people here.. The people here are quite superficial, consumed in fear, jaded, distracted by the computer in their pocket which could be advancing them in knowledge, separated, helpless, awkward and I am disillusioned by all of them. I feel like an Immortal being walking amongst the mortal man. It is sad because I see the depth in myself & in them but they can't see it in me because they don't see it in themselves. Rats stuck in the rat wheel, racing toward their own demise. Destroying & hating themselves in the process it is truly a sad thing to witness that is why I must go because I am not of these people. I am simply here to stimulate my consciousness by the more tropical climate & environment (that is what excludes the city) and activate my mind into it's greater capacity. Finding an even deeper connection to nature & to myself. While also accumulating wealth, finding out the essential materials for a comfortable sustainable life & discovering a deeper appreciation & love for all the people in my life who see me for who I truly am; ultimately expanding the feeling of happiness that stems from within my own existence. 

A new appreciation for the people of the midwest.. It seems as if the further west you go the closer you get to the devil. The devil hides in the worldly luxuries with the obscure intention to imprison your soul. To make a 'living' out here you have to sell your soul & give all of your energy and time to a system that is actually destroying the planet. You will be destroying your self in the process because you have no time left in the day for your growth or self awareness. Being here has truly opened my eyes to 'the system' I see it in full effect here. I am thankful to have had this eye opening experience and understand what life is like on the other side of the country. Like one of my favorite songs states 'And people still follow their dreams to sweet California.. And from time to time I pass on by, but I will never stay'. I could never stay here but I will only visit and when I do visit I will not take on a job in customer service or deal with anybody but myself out here. I definitely learned that lesson. The cost of living is just so high that I have to be working to make it work. This journey though has helped me come more into my zone & figure out my lane and actually understand my own business. It's funny to me how there were so many ups & equally so many downs. A roller coaster of a ride where every day is brand new & I don't know what to expect. The energy becomes awakened inside me as I continue to move forward. I have had some downfalls but I always get back on my horse & strengthen my perspective. I am not on this planet to lose I am a champion and I will win in the end. The race is not given to the speedy or the swift it is given to those that endure til the end. I am build to endure. 

To my people back Home I can't wait to see you. I may be different to you because I have become a greater version of myself. I hope you continue to love who I am because I have so much to offer you and can be of value to you if you utilize me correctly. I am here to offer you a higher perspective and to help you weave your way out of your limiting circumstances. I am here to help your consciousness expand and awaken your mind the way mine is being. I am here to be of service to you and to accept you exactly how you are right now. I really see the Greatness in you, I really see all the positives in you and even the negatives I know are just kinks that will be readjusted to suit you over time; I'm not even paying attention to that though. My attention goes to all the positive aspects within you. I see you for who you really are behind the flesh; I see the thought you are having of yourself. I see who you are becoming. I see the mind that is orchestrating all of your being. I love you. Let us understand one another truly to love one another because Love is Understanding. After dealing with the lost souls out west & the way I've been treated out here I have a new appreciation for all of my people. May we celebrate this beautiful existence upon my arrival. 

Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this & I hope you were able to benefit from it in some way shape or form. I really love you because I really love myself. 

Peace to you my friend

[mikayla-jays-world-blog]

Mikayla Jay's World...

Welcome one and all.

Hey friends....I thought it's about time for me to really introduce myself to all of you. I started this little blog about 6 weeks ago, and the first thing I should say is that I'm...well...*ahem... getting older. (I'm 45). As such, I'm a bit of a late-comer to social media. If truth be told, this is my first and only blog and platform that I have ever used. Ever. I don't use Facebook, I'm not a YouTuber or on Twitter or Twatter or Chatsnap or whatever else is typically used by y'all. This isn't about monetization for me. I needed a place to be creative, to vent, to learn, to grow...and most importantly...I wanted to find others in hopes of developing some sort of support network for myself. You see, in addition to being old (er), I'm also a proud MTF Transgender WOMAN. I am also bi-sexual, with a ravenous sexual appetite for both men and women - and each for their own unique reasons and dynamics. I have been an artist for mist if my life and career, having spent over 15 years professionally as a tattoo artist (I was attracted to Tumbler initially because of the graphic friendly, pro-art/artist philosophy...and the porn lol- at least until they took that away 🙄). I got burned out professionally about 18 months ago, and really wanted to follow a dream that has been sitting in the back of my head for years and years... I wanted to pursue writing. I've always believed that you do what you love, AND THEN you find a way to get paid doing it. But really, it's not about making money for me. It's about living my life on my terms, loving the person I continue evolving into, standing in my own truths, living authentically and being happy....truly happy with the life I want to live. And while I'm on the topic, I wasn't always interested in that. Living, I mean. The Cole's Notes version of my past is certainly colorful, but also full of pain and some tragedy- like many of us.

I grew up in a chaotic household, with parents that fought constantly and ultimately divorced. That was tough on me because I was close to my mom, and not so much to my father. Mom was a Nurse, Dad a University Professor. You see, I knew I was different from an early age. Thing is, my Mom knew too. She caught me wearing her makeup (because I would smush her lipsticks not understanding proper application techniques, and she got tired of me destroying them on her lol). So my Mom decided to show me how to apply makeup properly. She knew I liked lingerie, dresses, heels etc. I believe she also knew that I was not straight at the very least- certainly as I entered my teens and became a horny kid, it became obvious- to her. My father had his face in a textbook my entire childhood, and so was oblivious to his oldest son's (me) true personality. As such, I became very close to Mom. She was my best friend.

When I was 13, my parents divorced. My Mom needed a fresh start and my father made way more money, so we (me and younger brother) were forced to live with him. We moved to Maritime Canada- Prince Edward Island to be specific, as my father accepted a job in Charlottetown. My Mom moved to the North West Territories, and took a job as an Emergency Medical Flight Nurse working thru a small Native reserve hospital in Fort Simpson NWT. I was heart broken at being away from her suddenly, and bitter at the whole situation. Then my life really turned upside down.

My Mom, the best friend I ever had, loved her new life. She was finally really happy, and at peace with herself. She spent a very. fullfilling year up North. Then, just before X-Mas 1988, my world fell apart. My mom was on an emergency medical flight, and without me reliving painfull details, the plane she was flying in- 3 miles from the airport on the return leg, flew into a mountain. The plane exploded on impact, and my Mom was killed. That day, a big piece of my heart died.

I'm 14 yrs old. My mom, my best friend, my confidant and only person I trusted and supported who I was, was taken from me. The impact it had on me was simple. I was broken inside. I was in a new city and province, had no friends, was confused, alone....and broken.

The way I dealt with the pain and grief was to bury it by inside me. I became introverted, isolated, depressed, and scared. I was also trying to fit in where I didn't belong. Those of you that have never experienced small town maritime Canada, it's like Deliverence. Only worse. I had to adapt to my surroundings. The local customs and beliefs were not open, accepting or pro LGBTQ. The one thing I had going for me (at least then) was that I was coordinated and active. I could play sports. And I was a big kid. I believed my only option to fit in was to pretend I was like "everyone else". I learned to bury not just my pain, but everything that made me who I was. My sexuality. My needs and longings to feel feminine. To dress up and wear makeup. The happiest side of my personality was intimately linked to my feeling that I was born in the wrong body. I became sport-o. A jock. I blocked out and buried that part of me. And began living a life of lies. I became a "mans man".

Fast forward. I got big. I got angry. I hated myself and the world. I got involved in football and rugby and started amateur boxing. I became more confused as time went on. And more angry. Eventually after University, I moved out West. To British Columbia. Vancouver. Part of me wanted to get as far away from my father, Atlantic Canada, and my past. Part of me was aware of the progressive open gay community out there.

I ended up taking a job as a bouncer in a fairly violent biker bar. I immersed myself in that world, all the while walking a razors edge where I was "Iron Mike" on the outside, a tough SOB and all around bastard of a person. My confusion and anger over time grew into overwhelming dysphoria. I hated my body. I hated the way I looked. I battled those feeling by way overcompensating and going to the extreme other end of the gender scale. I became hyper masculine outwardly, and satisfied my inner desires on the sly, behind everyone's back. I engaged in many dangerous and stupid behaviors. I became a drug addict. And that culminated in 3 suicide attempts. I wanted to die.

That part of my life is a story for another time. But I will fast forward, for the sake of my sanity and yours. I was lucky enough to find an addictions doctor and a mental health councillor who helped me turn my life around. I began with grief Councilling for dealing with my mother's death. As I learned to trust the two women at that clinic, I came clean. With everything. My sexuality. My gender identity. I opened up about my risky sexual behavior (days and weeks suppressing and burying who I was inevitably would boil over and I would "blow off steam in the extreme let's just say.) Cyclical, drug fuelled gay sex parties were like a medicinal, almost spiritual healing event, just in a backwards twisted sort of way. My depression, dysphoria and anxiety would go up and down with my moods. I needed to change. And the more I worked on accepting myself, and battling the debilitating shame of feeling like a closet freak, the more I realized how wrong I had always been. How confused, disillusioned and unhappy I always was. I learned, slowly and not without setbacks, that I was not the pariah I feared I would become. I wasn't a freak. And I didn't have to continue to be......broken.

Over the past 10 years, I have grown and evolved. I began by accepting that I was gender fluid, and embracing it. My lifelong habit of crossdressing became something I refused to bury, and I stopped being ashamed of it. I consider myself mostly bisexual....with a definitive preferrence towards gay men and gay sex. I enjoy sleeping with women as well, but I really find it is a different type of sex, and my attraction to women is more about the intimacy. I emotionally 'make love' to women, whereas I like a good n' nasty fuck with a man...call me old-fashioned LMAO.

I also evolved in my gender identity, my knowledge and experience growing alongside my courage, and the belief in who I really am. I have grown to embrace the woman I've been evolving into. The amount of time I spent dressed up and living as a female grew more and more. I learned to truly accept myself, and the word Transgender. The philosophy, lifestyle, choices, mental impact and ultimately the strength and happiness that I've found by embracing that I AM A PROUD AND HAPPY MTF TRANSGENDER WOMAN has absolutely changed and saved my life. As such, I went through Gender Councilling, and went through the long and arduous waiting list/period to see a gender specialist doctor. I am so excited to say that I finally began by hormone therapy treatment about 6 weeks ago.

Which brings me to where we are now. I have just begun the next phase of my life. I am so happy and thankful to have survived and come through on the other side. Part of that journey has been learning to love myself. Respect myself. Believe in myself. I am so grateful to the small support group of doctor's and mental health workers who helped me learn to live my life as it was always meant to have been lived. And the other part is making sure that I can pay that gratitude forward, by helping other Transgender people live their authentic wonderful lives. That's a big reason why I started my blog. Mikayla Jay's World is a reflection of who I am. It is a place where I can thrive, meet others like myself, actually BE myself, and continue to grow....creatively, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. It is a world where you won't be judged, and you will always find a supportive girl to lean on and become friends with. We are on the cusp of great societal changes. We have the ability to help each other through the difficulties still to come, and all be stronger, better people for it. Welcome to the world I live in. Welcome to a place I love. A safe place to be who you are...inside and out....and a place where we can all laugh, cry, be shocked, be turned on, be motivated, be creative, be unique, and be loved. Your always welcome in Mikayla Jay's World. Thanks y'all.

[livefromhouseatlantic]

Chain Breaking - The Story So Far

This one is a summary. Lists! Mostly because my little series has spiralled into a huge thing that I couldn't reasonably expect anyone, other than folks that truly care (or have a morbid curiosity I suppose) to keep reading.

So to sum up for myself and a psychiatrist:

I suffer from depression. I am functional through most of it in terms of continuing to go about day to day tasks (staying clean, going to work, etc). It ranges from moderate to severe.

In severe moments, I suffer from bouts of extreme melancholy and get "stuck" with a lot of unbidden mental images and thought patterns.

I am compelled to compile as much information about a given situation as I possibly can. This ranges from a mostly normal thing (I'm just curious about a subject) to sort of debilitating (I need to see everything there is to see and know everything there is to know about what a person I care about and am worried for is thinking about.) This can lead to me getting "stuck", where I upset myself with unbidden thoughts, illogical conclusions, worst case scenarios, etc.

In addition to information, I am constantly in a state of hyper vigilance in just about any given situation I could encounter in a day. I've never been able to totally turn that off. This hyper vigilance, I believe, leads to the compulsion I listed above. Or it feeds into it? I don't know. They are both present. Hyper vigilance for me has led to an extreme attention to detail at almost all times. It helps in some situations, but can also lead to me getting "stuck" or convincing myself people are not interested in talking to me due to my focusing too much on social cues or facial expressions that may not have been present.

I struggle with a constant feeling of feeling like I am merely playing a role in my own life. This leads me to feel as though I am never being genuine with anyone despite knowing that I am.

The feeling listed above, in addition to others, leaves me with a feeling of being "split" - I'm not suffering from hallucinations of any sort, but I have built mental constructs over the years ("the guy upstairs") that I am now unable to shake and cannot reason with using CBT or other techniques that I know.

I am extreme in adherence to my own moral code. Deviations or failure to adhere to my own standards is unacceptable to me. Doing so leaves me feeling very dejected and disappointed in myself.

I will opt for being angry instead of being sad in order to continue to have energy to function. This can lead to self destructive behaviors, such as burning myself out through exercise.

My adherence to my own moral code can and has coloured my perception of how others treat each other and how they treat me. "He recognized his own willingness to use the rigor of his moral judgments as justification for his rage". While I do not fly into a rage characterised by screaming, yelling, acts of violence, or other things of that nature, I am definitely far more upset than just bring a little annoyed. This has led to snap decisions (see above, regarding self destruction) and has also led to me cutting off relationships with people in the past. (I'm getting better at that one on my own.)

In nine out of ten situations, the rage I describe will turn inwards and I will begin to focus on my own imperfections and flaws that I feel make me entirely worthless or undesirable to anyone and everyone. I get stuck, to use my own term. Many of my self destructive patterns are not physical. I bear no scars from self harm. My self abuse has almost always taken the form of mental exercises.

With that said: I am currently experiencing some impulses that could be termed physically self destructive. I will work out at the gym until barely able to walk. Sessions can range from 2-3 hours. The objective is less about physical fitness than it is to burn out any negative emotions I may be experiencing. The desire to work myself to death has occurred.

I have a number of deep seated insecurities about my place in the world, possibly related to my feeling of merely playing a part in my own life (and a bit one, at that). I frequently feel as though I am almost nonexistent to people except in the moments where they interact with me in person. I can recall feelings of this nature going back almost twenty years.

These insecurities cause me to irrationally fear Erasure from people's lives, as I do not believe I am possible of being so meaningful to someone that they would keep me around for longer than they might need. Anyone and everyone in my life is subject to this fear. The more important the person is, the more I may fear it. This partly drives my desire to check in on people. It leads to me getting stuck on numerous occasions.

I am not actively seeking to end my life. However, the desire to do so can and does manifest in my worst moments of getting "stuck". I feel helpless, and oftentimes the thought will arise unbidden that I could simply end my life and thus end the "stuck" feeling. This, combined with other unbidden, impulsive thoughts, furthers my feeling of being "split".

My feeling of nonexistence or unimportance can and does terrify me to the point of silence. I will dissemble, deflect, or simply opt not to talk about my mental or emotional state. Simply put, this is because I feel unworthy of the time of others and assume they feel the same on some level, and that therefore any additional burdens I place on them will upset them to the point of no longer wanting to associate with me. Writing these entries has been me testing myself and challenging myself to be more open by being as open as possible to anyone who is able to read these.

My feeling of being unimportant leads to me placing others first in any and every situation imaginable. While this is generally considered a good thing, if I'm being honest, I will do so to my own detriment as well. The idea of putting myself in harm's way does not actually bother me on any level if it could conceivably be of benefit to someone else.

I suffer migraines and insomnia when stressed. Currently, I am entering my second or third week of struggling with insomnia. I'll get between two to four hours of sleep at night at the most before waking up and being totally unable to get back to sleep. Sometimes I can grab a nap during the day. This is affecting my reasoning, my situational awareness, and my mood. I have been increasingly irritable and on edge and unable to deal with daily annoyances since I stopped sleeping.

I have an at times overpowering need for control over my environment. Noise and crowds are the fixation for my need. I've noticed that oftentimes if I'm in a bar or at work, the noise level usually isn't a problem for me. The crowds bother me in the sense that I'm unable to predict where people are going so they end up in my way or they bump into me. This is a minor annoyance, you might think. It can and does actively anger me, particularly lately. People getting in my way or just being in the way and loud noises make me unreasonably angry. I know I did just walk around someone. I do.

Related to noise, I can't handle arguments. If family members are arguing, or if I'm over at a house as a guest and there is an argument, I will leave the room. Not doing so makes me extremely anxious and/or angry. I just need it to stop.

With respect to noise, this is more a problem for me outside of work - at home, for instance or out at a friend's house. Noise that I'm not in control of us very debilitating for me. Loud children, pets, a radio or television that I might not be able to turn down due to circumstances, these all stress me out. I can't speak out understand people properly or even focus. I have taken to carrying ear phones with me to play my own music at a tolerable level in one ear at most times. I've actually found this helpful - despite it adding to the overall noise level, it's something I can control. I find this calming.

I often feel disposable in romantic and personal relationships. I feel as though I am only kept around for as long as I am useful to others and will be discarded, put aside, what have you, at the earliest convenience, or as soon as something more attractive/worthwhile comes along. I have referred to this in the past as feeling like "a way station in life" or "being placed back on the shelf".

Feeling disposable has left me with the belief that I will always be alone in life and that there is no one out there that is a suitable partner for me. In order to be suitable, after all, someone would have to find me worthwhile enough to love long term.

I have cultivated in myself a very high degree of self control. This helps to keep my worst desires and impulses in check. I have no fear of committing suicide or making a snap decision in a moment of anger or despair. I do not fly into rages wherein I punch things, or scream at people, or destroy property, for instance: and I very seldom even slam doors I do not believe myself to be capable of doing so. I simply will not allow it.

I have no real fear of death or physical harm. It is not a foreign concept or anything, I can conceive of it, it just does not bother me in any way. In the past, I have taken more care not to harm others than to avoid injury to myself. I was in a car accident a few years back - I lost control of the car. Instead of trying to get it into the road, I steered into a large snowbank more or less at speed, assuming that while I myself might be injured, it was not acceptable to take the arguably safer option for fear of harming another driver. There have been other moments in my life where I have very calmly and rationally placed myself into what I believed was a high degree of physical danger for the betterment of others. Instinct likely plays a role, but I have always been very conscious of the decision I am making.

I often daydream about being dead, or dying. I do not plan to do so, it just kind of enters my head. The fantasy (for lack of a better word) leaves me with a feeling of peace.

As mentioned above, these daydreams and countless others come unbidden, and I am rarely able to snap myself out of them. I have referred to these as "daymares".

These daymares, in addition to feelings of being disposable, undesirable, that I will never be enough for a partner, that I am undeserving of one, that I do not exist except in the moment, are thoughts that I am aware have no basis in logic. Knowing this does not help me. Instead, it exacerbates my feeling of being "split".

I'll add to this list as I think of things.