#also i have a v bad habit of trying 2 figure my shit out through text posts hhh. i just like organizing my thoughts n if i dont completely

[waveswept]

hhhdhsgdg someone please keep me from posting abt hippo from like 11pm to 5am bc i keep fucking oversharing through them late at night but like fuck dude i just have a lot of love in my heart 4 them :(

[seokiie]

𝙲𝚞𝚝𝚒𝚎 (𝙼)

+ 𝘚𝘶𝘮𝘮𝘢𝘳𝘺: 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦'𝘴 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶. 𝘏𝘰𝘴𝘦𝘰𝘬 𝘤𝘢𝘯'𝘵 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘱𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶.

+𝘞𝘰𝘳𝘥 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵: 4𝘬+

+ 𝘗𝘢𝘪𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨: 𝘏𝘰𝘴𝘦𝘰𝘬/𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳

+ 𝘞𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴: 𝘷𝘪𝘳𝘨𝘪𝘯!𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳, 𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘰𝘤𝘦𝘯𝘵!𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳, 𝘢 𝘵𝘰𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘰𝘧 𝘱𝘭𝘰𝘵, 𝘢 𝘵𝘰𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘰𝘧 𝘧𝘭𝘶𝘧𝘧, 𝘶𝘯𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘵𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘴𝘦𝘹, 𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘮𝘱𝘪𝘦, 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳 𝘮𝘢𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘣𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯, 𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘴𝘦𝘹

On AO3

One of Hoseok's favorite parts of the day was coming home and taking a shower after a long day at the dance studio. His other favorite part of the day was dancing at the dance studio, and of course, he also loved spending time with his six roommates... plus you.

You.

The way you became friends with the seven guys was surprisingly very dull. You met around a year ago at a local restaurant you worked at. Upon the first meeting, the seven guys noted how quiet you were for a waitress. Your eyes were always pointed down and you never stayed long enough to respond to their advances. You just didn't seem to fit your profession. (Like who has ever heard of a shy waitress?) The contrast between you and your job only intrigued them more. It took a few months of routinely visiting the restaurant and talking you up till they slowly broke you out of your shell. Hoseok to this day still thinks about how you progressively opened up to them, laughing at their jokes and finally calling them friends. Cute.

Hoseok turns the shower off and grabs a clean white towel from the shelf right outside the bath. He shouldn't be thinking of you while he's in the shower, even if his thoughts are completely chaste.

"He has a way better fashion sense than me, does he really need my opinion?" You mumble to yourself looking down at your phone. Taehyung had texted you to come to his room so you can check out some of the outfits he bought. He always did this, texting you even though you were in the dorm with him. At some point, you just figured that's the type of person he is. It would be a lie to say you weren't like that, too.

You walk into the hallway with all the bedrooms. Past Jungkook's room, past Hoseok and Jimin's room and after the bathroom should be Taehyung's-

"Oh, shit!" What you hadn't expected was for the bathroom door to spring open as soon as you were about to walk past it. You nearly fall to the ground in shock.

"Jesus, y/n... almost scared me. Are you okay?" It's Hoseok, that's the first thing you notice. The second thing you notice is the droplets of water rolling down his chest and biceps. Was it just you or was he flexing? You also notice the way his towel is hanging low, revealing his soft v-line and a trail leading to somewhere lower.

You don't even know you're checking him out until Hoseok snaps his fingers at you.

"Yah! Eye's are up here, jagi." You can feel yourself redden, your body hot with embarrassment and a knowing smile on Hoseok's face.

"Where are you off to?" Hoseok figures this isn't exactly the best place to make small talk but something in him is telling him to tease you more. He's fixated on the way you can't stand still. You're either shifting your weight between legs or playing with the sleeve of your sweater. He loves it.

"Uh.. was off- was going to Taehyungs... Taehyungs room.." Okay, yeah. Hoseok's a dancer but you never expected him to look so good. Half of you wants to lick up his abs and the other half is mentally punishing yourself for having those thoughts.

"Really? What does Taehyung want with you in his bedroom?" If it was even any more possible, you feel yourself redden even more at Hoseok's words. His eyes are so innocent and you feel a little dumb reading to much into his question.

"No, uh, nothing. He just wants me to look at his clothes. That's all." Hoseok's eyes lock you in place and you start to wonder if he'll ever release you from his spell.

"I shouldn't hold you up then. Go on, now." You stand still as Hoseok lays a reassuring hand on your shoulder, squeezing lightly and maybe letting it linger a little longer than he should before walking to his room right across the bathroom.

When Hoseok shuts his bedroom door, he lets his back hit the door, a satisfied grin on his face.

"What's with you? Did you beat off in the shower again? I thought Namjoon said to stop doing that." Jimin's lying in bed scrolling through his phone and Hoseok almost forgot he shared his room with someone.

"What I do in the shower is none of your business, Jiminahh." Hoseok tosses his towel at Jimin and lets out an evil laugh when the younger flinches and whines. - You've been at the forefront of Hoseok's thoughts for the past week and it's seriously affecting his work. At first, he's not sure why you keep popping up in his mind. I mean, of course he thinks about you, it's hard not to when you're at the dorm half the time he's there. But he's having a lot more... risqué thoughts. Thoughts that shouldn't be acceptable for someone as pure as you.

Hoseok figures he'll do something about that.

It really doesn't take much to get you flustered, all cute and red with your eyes pointing down. The more he teases you the harder it gets for him to not go farther, to not just hike your skirt up and fuck you against the nearest surface.

He wonders when you'll catch on to the way he purposely presses against you when he walks past you, almost as if he was trying to squeeze through a tight space and you were in the way. He puts both his hands on your waist, subtly moving you aside as if you weigh nothing. The feeling of pressing up against that beautiful ass of yours, god, even if it's for just a second... he could only describe it as euphoric. The best part is after his hands leave your waist and he keeps walking, he can feel your eyes on his back. He doesn't have to see your face to know you look like a deer caught in headlights, sputtering like an idiot.

Hoseok can't help but wonder if you'll make that same expression when he takes out his cock and shoves it down your throat. Would you get all wide and glossy-eyed? Or would your eyes get droopy, looking up at him with so much lust as he forced you to take more of his length?

"Are you okay, hyung?" Hoseok flinches when he sees how close Jungkook is to his face and the maknae laughs in response. "This hyung gets scared so easily, are you sure you're older than me?"

"Yah! I might be a scaredy-cat but that doesn't mean I don't have the guts to kill you. Go sit, now." Jungkook laughs again before returning to the other living room couch. When Hoseok finally has some space he looks down, under the blanket over his lap and yep, just as he suspected.

He's hard.

The boys were holding a movie night tonight and it was going to start in a few. If there was one thing Hoseok was not about to do, it was sitting through a 2-hour long movie with an awkward boner.

"Kookie, I'm gonna take a shower real quick. Don't start without me." Hoseok is so lucky the light isn't on. He's sure the maknae wouldn't let it go if he saw Hoseok waddling off to his room with a boner.

"Be quick. Seokjinnie and Namjoonie-hyung are gonna be home soon." Hoseok gives a sound of approval before speeding into his room, grabbing a towel, then leaving before shutting himself in the bathroom. Jimin, whos laying down on his phone again, has learned not to question it.

Hoseok doesn't really like jerking off in the shower, but when you live in a house with six other men, you learn to make do. He lets his forehead rest on the shower wall as his soapy hands run over his body. The water beating against his back feels so good, almost like a massage. It makes him think about you.

He knows your hands aren't that big but he's heard Jimin talk about how good your massages are, how good you are with your hands.

See, this is the terrifying thing about you. You're such an innocent person. God, you're so innocent. When the guys make the dirtiest jokes, you never understand but you laugh along anyway, awkward and endearing. He wonders if he's a terrible person for wanting to ruin that innocence.

Shamelessly letting his hand wrap around his cock, he wonders if you're still a virgin. Somehow that turns him on even more, the thought of being your first. The thought of being the first and best guy you'll ever be with.

"Shit..." Precum is starting to bead at the tip of his cock but the water washes it away. Shutting his eyes, he thinks about how good he could fuck you, how good he could treat you if you just gave him the chance.

He lets out a growl, squeezing his hand into a fist around his length and fucking into his hand. He pretends his hand is the tightness of your aching pussy. Behind his eyelids, he sees your fucked out face as he's on top of you. Maybe you'd cry from how good it feels. If you did he thinks he'd wipe your tears away with his thumb and give you the most mind-numbing kiss.

Your lips. Hoseok thinks your lips are a different kind of sexy. He never really sees you in lipstick, rather he always watches when you apply brandless chapstick to those precious lips of yours. And it never failed to turn him on when only minutes later you'd start chewing at your bottom lip. It must've been a bad habit but god was he thankful for it.

It doesn't take much more to push Hoseok over the edge. He's been pent up all day, his brain plagued with thoughts of you. Just like that, his finger brushing against the tip of his cock, he comes into his hand. He fucks himself through his orgasm squeezing out every last drop of himself that he can with an airy moan.

When he enters his bedroom, Jimin rolls his eyes at him.

"Don't! Say it!"

-

Hoseok and the rest of the members are relaxing in the living room when Seokjin and Namjoon finally come home. The maknae's give a chorus of woo's when they see the bags of snacks they're holding.

"Ah, kids, stop yelling and- damn it- and help us!" Seokjin whines as a couple of bags of chips fall from the white plastic bag, he really had his hands full. Hoseok's about to get up and give Jin and Joon a hand when he sees you walk in behind the two. He freezes momentarily, watching as you rushingly place the two plastic bags on the kitchen counter before helping pick up some of the dropped sacks.

"Oh, Hoseok, you don't have to." You offer him a smile before turning around as if that'd stop him from being a decent human being. He kneels to help you pick up what's fallen but he finds himself admiring the view instead.

You in a skirt. You bending over in a skirt to pick up a can of soda. Your skirt hiking up slightly when you bend over and was he the only one seeing this? You're not wearing fancy laced panties, they're a simple light blue and black plaid design and he loves the way your ass looks in them. It's almost like the display is meant only for him. Hoseok bites his lip so he doesn't let out an audible moan at the sight. When you stand up, one of your hands smoothes over the back of your skirt while the other holds Doritos and a sprite. His eyes follow as you walk deeper into the kitchen and he's left on the floor. You literally existed in front of him and it made him hard.

"Hoseokie-hyung, why are you on the floor? We're about to play Mario Kart." Jungkook calls from over the couch and he's holding a controller in his hand.

"I'm coming, I'm coming." Hoseok sits between you and Yoongi and while watching Taehyung absolutely destroy Namjoon in Mario Kart, he comes to the conclusion that he needs to turn you into his personal cock slut and it's gonna happen tonight, no matter what. Although, he's not sure if it was his brain or his dick who came to that conclusion.

All night, Hoseok keeps you close. Even when his hand is resting on your thigh just barely under your skirt, you regard it as Hoseok being his usual touchy self.

"That reminds me. While Jimin was in Japan he brought back those limited edition KitKats." His voice is lower in your ear, you assume it's because he doesn't want the others to hear.

"Really? The really delicious strawberry white chocolate flavor?" Hoseok loves the way you light up at his lie. Well, it wasn't completely a lie. If you complied, he'd reward you with those KitKats you loved so much... and maybe something else. His bones itch with the need to corrupt you.

"Yeah, I think so. They're in our bedroom. If you come with me I can steal some without him knowing."  The way you look up at him with excited eyes, nodding enthusiastically has his cock throbbing in his shorts. Ideally, in a few minutes, you'll be looking up at him with that same face except you'll be on your knees begging for him to paint your face with his cum.

No one bats an eye as Hoseok grabs your wrist and you both rush off to his and Jimin's shared room. They're all too focused on the screen, well except Yoongi and Namjoon. They're both too busy sleeping.

You and Hoseok are alone in his bedroom. The door is closed and the light orange of the sunset is spilling into the room, it sets a weird mood you've never really felt before. Feeling kind of awkward, you stand near the door playing with the hem of your skirt.

Hoseok is on his knees searching under Jimins bed for the KitKats and you take the time he's turned away to place a hand on your chest, trying to calm your racing heart.

"Ah, I found them. He's not very good at hiding things." He pulls out a pink box with little hearts and Japanese characters. You let out a little nervous laugh as he walks towards you with it.

You meet his eyes when he's in front of you and is he supposed to stand this close? You feel so small as he practically towers over you. You look down again before you can see the smirk on his face.

"Has anyone told you how cute you are?" Hoseok tosses the box onto his bed, some of the chocolate inside falling out. The action has you confused but what's even more confusing is the look in his eyes.

"How cute and absolutely fuckable you are?" Your face reddens and a wave of heat spreads throughout your body.

"Hoseok! You- you can't-" You cover your eyes with both your hands, embarrassed. Hoseok seemed to do this to you a lot lately. Was teasing you really that fun?

"Can't what? Fuck the innocence out of you? Jesus, you're so small, y/n. I really don't think I can handle it any longer." His hands wrap around your wrists, not tight enough to hurt but tight enough for you to know what he needs. Part of you really wants to give it to him but part of you won't let him.

"Don't... don't say things like that, it makes me feel-" You try to cover your eyes again but Hoseok uses his hold on your wrist to bring your hands above your head, you can't help stumbling backward into the wall at the force.

"Does it turn you on? When I talk to you like that? Does it turn you on when I tell you how bad I wanna tear those cute little panties off you and make you come all over my tongue?" Hoseok's body is pressed so tightly against yours, you can feel the way he twitches in his pants against your abdomen. You whimper at the feeling. That whimper is where Hoseok draws the line.

You try to open your mouth again, probably to utter out some useless excuse as to why you two shouldn't do this, but as soon as your mouth is open Hoseok his pressing his lips to yours. The kiss is hot and heavy and moving dangerously fast into a heated makeout session. You're not sure what to do with your mouth but your inexperience doesn't phase him, he loves having control over you.

Hoseok's other hand runs up your bare thigh before bringing your leg up to wrap around his waist, his other hand keeps your wrists pinned above your head. You pant into the kiss, desperate for air but Hoseok simply uses the opportunity to slip his tongue into your mouth.

"Ah- mm-" You helplessly rut your hips against his as he devours your mouth, you can hear the way he growls at your actions.

"God, you're so- fuck- you're so needy and all I did was kiss you." Hoseok relishes in the taste of your chapstick as he pulls away, a string of saliva connecting you two before snapping and attaching to your chin. Hoseok almost cums when your tongue darts out to lick it away.

"Put your hands here, baby," Hoseok instructs you to rest your arms on his shoulders as he let's go of your wrists. You follow his directions immediately.

You're not sure exactly what he has planned until he's using his last free hand to grab your other thigh and bring your other leg around his waist, the only thing supporting you now was him and the wall you were pressed against.

The new position almost makes you see stars. You can't help stifling a moan into Hoseok's neck with the way he's poking you through your skirt.

"Such a sensitive little girl, hm? Is that all it takes to make you feel good? I could grind you into the wall and you'd come right in your panties, right?" Hoseok voice is deep and raspy in your ear and it's getting harder to form a coherent thought.

"I've wanted you for so long. Can't work because all I think about is you, your cute face, your cute body, your cute ass. Fuck, I wanna break you so bad. Let me ruin you, y/n, please?"

You're not sure how to respond, actually, you don't think you can. Anxiety tightens your throat and all you can give him is a quick excited nod.

"I need more than a nod, baby. Cause when I start I don't know if I'll be able to stop. C'mon, talk to me." His thumbs smooth over your cheeks and the gesture helps your body calm down. Hoseok was always such a good caretaker.

"I want you but- I don't- I've never..." You shove your face back into Hoseok's neck, flustered. You're scared if he knows you're a virgin he won't want to do this anymore.

"You've never had sex?" Hoseok grabs you by the nape of your neck, carefully bringing your head up so you were looking him in the eye again. You shake your head in response.

"That's fine, I'll take care of you. Just let me make you feel good." Hoseok brings your lips to his, a kiss that has you relaxing against him even further. His hands move from your nape down to his shorts, they're loose-fitting and come down in one easy motion. You can't see because your skirts in the way but you feel the way Hoseok isn't wearing anything under those shorts. You bite your lip to suppress the moan crawling out of your throat when you feel the tip of his cock press against the thin material of your panties.

"That's a good girl. This feel good? You like having my cock like this? I can feel how wet you are through your panties." Hoseok's dirty words having you reeling and for the first time in your life you can't find it in yourself to care how loud you are, how fucked out you look.

You grind down against Hoseok's straining cock and you can feel it twitch and throb against your lips. Hoseok has to put one hand on the wall behind you to stop his legs from giving out.

"F-fuck." He watches as you move your hips against his, needy and wanton. "Look at you using me like I'm your toy. Are you sure you're a virgin?"

"Hoseokie, please..." You moan into Hoseok's neck and for the first time, you feel an ache inside you, something hot and on the verge of boiling over. Only Hoseok can fix that ache.

As soon as a whimpering 'please' leaves your mouth Hoseok is pushing your panties aside from under your skirt and pressing the head of his cock against your weeping cunt. You immediately clench at the feeling of something trying to pierce through you.

"So tight, y/n. When's the last time you fingered yourself, baby?" Hoseok's voice is light, pleasure evident in his voice as he pushes only his tip inside.

"I don't- ahhng-" This time your moan isn't muffled by anything and if Hoseok wasn't shoving his whole cock inside of you right now you'd be scared the other members could hear you.

"Hoseok-ahhaa, it hurts-" So good. You don't know how else to describe the feeling of him stretching you open. It stings as he splits you open farther than you could've ever imagined but it sends waves of pleasure throughout your body.

"You're too tight, y/n. Fuck, relax, baby. Trust me." Hoseok gasps in your ear and it was taking every fiber of his being to not pound you into the wall. He's not sure if he's ever exercised this much self-control in his life.

You try to listen and calm your body down a bit and when you finally loosen up a bit Hoseok bottoms out.

"Feels like your pussy was made for me, just for me." At first, his thrusts start off slow, easing in and out of you to help you get used to the feeling. Somewhere along the line, though, Hoseoks reserve wore thin and he finds himself fucking you into the wall, hard enough to the point where you slid up the wall every time he pistoned inside you.

"I'm so happy I'm your first. And I'm gonna be your- ah... I'm gonna be your last. I'm gonna ruin sex for you..." Hoseok gasps against your neck and runs a hand through your hair, damp with sweat. He pulls your hair back just enough so your head is tilted back and your neck is exposed. Hoseok really can't help biting the pretty untouched skin there. At that, you let out a moan that can only be described as pornographic. You don't know how to describe the feeling then, but you were starting to see stars. Hoseok was hitting something inside you, you didn't know what but it was making it difficult to keep your eyes open. Helpless cries of pleasure and Hoseok's name spill uncontrollably from your lips as your nails dig into his back

"Gonna- 'm gonna, It feels-" Hoseok thinks your face alone is enough to push him to the edge, eyes completely fucked out and clouded with lust, saliva running down your chin as you babble incoherent curses and whines of his name. With his hand still gripping your hair back, he watches as you come undone around him. Your legs squeeze tighter around his waist, causing him to somehow plunge deeper inside you and that does it for Hoseok.

Having your breathless whimpers in his ear along with the way you clench around him has Hoseok reeling towards orgasm, fucking you through your own. Despite having jerked off maybe two hours before, Hoseok thinks this is the hardest he's ever came.

He takes his time before pulling out, holding you close and letting you rest your head on his shoulder so you can catch your breath. When your feet finally touch the hardwood you think your legs might give out but Hoseok's hands keep your grounded.

"Are you okay? I didn't hurt you right?" Hoseok uses his thumb to clean the saliva on your chin before pressing a kiss to your lips then to your forehead. You can't help a giggle at that point.

"Don't laugh! I know I said I'd break you but I need to keep you intact for next time." Hoseok pulls his shorts up and runs a hand through his messy hair, only managing to reveal his forehead. Your eyes follow the movement.

"Next time?" You press your thighs together. Something was dripping down your leg.

"What do you mean 'next time'? What do I look like letting such a pretty little thing slip from my grasp?" Hoseok pats your already messy hair and you shrink away like you usually do, whining.

"Now, if you're ready, let's go back. I wanna show you off." Hoseok's hand intertwines with yours but he stops in his tracks when you don't move.

"Or not. We could just lay in bed together?" His expression looks slightly worried but you're thinking of something else entirely.

"Hoseok, there's stuff running down my thigh. It feels weird." Your mouth turns into a ^ and Hoseok wants to kiss the look off your face.

"That's my cum. If it feels weird dripping down your leg I can finger it back inside you and make sure it stays inside that cute little pussy of yours."

★━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━★

[© seokiie]

[I do not allow any translating, editing, reposting, or use of any my work!!]

[clotpole-art]

Retrospective: Illustrated Merlin Alphabet Challenge

Finally finished the Merlin Alphabet Challenge, so here's the artist notes no one asked for! See below the cut for comments on each piece by order of creation. Be warned folks, it's a long post.

Before we begin: credit to @merlin-gifs for the challenge, which can be found here. It's awesome, go do it.

First thing you should know is I did probably 80-90% of these while on phone calls or in Zoom meetings and that's reflected in the simplicity of most pieces -- the compositions aren't complicated, the lines aren't refined, the coloring is slapdash. If you noticed variation in quality of the pieces, that's why!

Second: I tried to focus on trying something new for each drawing. Didn't always happen, but this challenge did succeed in helping me push me out of my own comfort zone.

Without further ado...

A is for Arthur Pendragon

Textures, baby! Brushed metal of his armor, scratchy linen texture of his shirt, wispy softness of hair and skin. I'd recently gotten my tablet out of storage after a year of figuring out where the hell I was going to live and this was one of the first pieces of digital art I spent time on. Glad it was Arthur kicking us off!

B is for the Beginning of the End (1x08)

Fun fact, I did not draw this with my tablet. I drew it with my work computer's touchscreen. It was awful, would not recommend.

C is for Camelot

I wanted to get used to different brushes, so landscape of the castle it was! There are brushes that help with drawing grass; I did not use said brushes and my wrist hurt afterward. That being said, I really enjoyed working on this and it was one of the few pieces I didn't do while multitasking.

D is for Daegal

Also drawn on my work computer's touchscreen, not my tablet. I didn't learn my lesson from B and the experience was even worse. This is my least favorite piece which sucks because it's Daegal so I'm slated to redo this sometime in the near future. Gotta do our boy justice.

E is for Elyan

Oh, I adored drawing this. Elyan often gets shafted in terms of fandom appreciation so I made sure to choose Elyan for this prompt and to participate in the Elyan fest. Plus, I love a good ghost story and figuring out a way to include the druid spectre was fun. Didn't multitask on this piece because Elyan deserved my full attention.

F is for Freya

Ho boy. This piece. I have such mixed feelings on this drawing. Really really didn't like it after I'd decided it was done and very nearly scrapped the whole thing. I had a vision in my head that I just couldn't render into reality and it frustrated me SO MUCH. Looking back, I like it much better than I did when I first created it.

G is for Gwaine

What can I say, he's pretty when he's cold. I didn't stretch too much with this one -- it's my normal drawing style, I was just trying to find a brush that mimicked the softness of pencil.

H is for Hunith

Another one that didn't stray too far from my comfort zone. I was stupid sick and slammed at work, so a motherly Hunith manifested herself. I blame the bad brush choice on the cold medicine.

I is for Isolde

I woke up and chose violence! Tried to vary my figure drawing style a little in this piece but my brain resisted, resulting in... this. Not mad at it, but not happy with it either. Poor Isolde.

J is for Juggling

Ah, this lovely piece was drawn during a particularly vexing meeting at work. Fun fact, there's another version of this line art that's less about Merlin's stress and more about mine.

K is for Knights of Camelot

Continuing the theme of doodling through bad news and shit meetings. Like I said above, normally meeting doodles aren't complex because I'm concentrating on something else. This one was more involved because I didn't want to concentrate on the meeting. I have a few issues with this from a technical standpoint (perspective, my nemesis) but it's still one of my favorites. Tried some funky coloring technique, didn't hate it.

V is for Vibrant Colors

And here is where we said fuck the rules and started going out of alphabetical order! This one was really fun to do and I loved kicking off Albion Party with this as my first submission. The colors were a challenge (as I hoped they would be) and this is the first time I had to do some color tweaking midway though and after finishing the coloring process. Vibrant Arthur, my beloved. This started as a multitask doodle but took dedicated time to finish.

O is for Old Religion

The concept for this one was buzzing in my head for a bit before a quote-prompt solidified it. I adore the thought of more visible, tangible representations of Merlin as the son of the elements, of "magic itself" -- not just sun-gold eyes, but sea-water hair and sandstone-skin. A complement to the vibrant Arthur portrait.

S is for Sorcerers

When I said I wanted to challenge myself, I wasn't kidding. Ho boy, this was fun but frustrating. I wanted to completely illustrate a gif. So I did. Will I do something like this again? Maybe. A while from now.

M is for Morgause

See above -- same illustrated gif style so at least I was able to reuse some drawings. Poor Morgause ended up looking a little wretched here because I was mentally done with this when I was drawing her. Love the concept of tarot cards + Merlin but others are doing it so I won't continue this series.

Z is for Zzzz

This one was specifically done to test out some custom brushes I made in Krita to make abstract background drawing easier for me. I think they turned out well! Plus who doesn't love bb iridescent Aithusa.

L is for Leon, P is for Percival

Quick, minimal doodles of the boys! Mentally, I was going for a Brady's-style retro ensemble cast TV show credits feel. Not mad at it! Some boys look closer to their actors than others (I think my brain broke drawing Percy, my apologies to Tom Hopper).

T is for Tristan

It wasn't until after I posted this that I realized there was more than one Tristan in Merlin. Could have drawn Isolde's bf but I drew Ygraine's dumb jock undead brother instead. Had some fun with dark greys and blacks here regardless.

Q is for Queen Annis

Best royal in Albion, bar none. I tried a different coloring technique here and I kinda like it! may make it my go-to but we'll see. Old habits are hard to break. Also: our queen deserved more badass clothes.

X is for Arthur X Merlin

Oh, be still my shipper heart. Doodled and colored during a meeting. I had hoped to spend more time on it outside of multitasking but alas, work is a bitch. This one is slated for a rework sometime in the future; I adore the concept too much to let it go without creating another version of this that isn't an utter mess.

U is for Uther's Ward

And here's my attempt at forgoing line art. Not fun, do not like.

Y is for Young Warlock

Channeled some pain into this one. Those are the dead eyes of someone who had been told that he'd succeeded when his friend died. That the destiny he'd been expecting to carry on his shoulders into old age was done and dusted before he turned 30. Grief plus the existential dread of the aimless immortal. Oof. One of my favs.

N is for Nimueh, R is for Rising Sun, W is for Will

And we end on this sorry offering. I was away from home for a while without my tablet and I just got tired of waiting. So, pen doodles at the airport. This was a challenge in its own right because 1. pen only and 2. I wasn't able to pull Netflix up for a reference on the fly. Which is why Will's face is obscured and Nimueh looks.... not like Nimueh lol.

In summary: this was a goddamn joy to do. I finished 26 letter prompts in approximately 21 weeks, which exceeded my own unspoken goal of filling one letter per week. I found a good, happy corner of the Merlin fandom after a years-long hiatus away from being a fandom creator. If you did make it this far with me, thanks for reading my inane comments and giving this little project even a moment of your time -- I'm so grateful.

[thecourtsknight]

for that dnd ask im gonna throw alot so :3c 21 and 7 for taeral, 58 and 41 for quill, 2 and maybe 47 for alexandra, and maybe just a little 69 (nice) for luther.

aahHh thank you reed ; v ; !!! okay lets see here.

Taeral:

12: If they were a potion, what would it look like? (Color, glass shape, smell, etc.)

Taeral as a potion would be thick oil, a couple of leaves yanked from things like banana leaf plants and vanilla. It would look like a low, deep greenish colour with flecks of white and gold inside and it would smell of burnt wood and sea salt.

7: How impulsive is your character?

Not very surprisingly! Taeral tries to think things out before doing them, he is much more a fan of having a plan that just going and doing things on a whim and anything sudden or unexpected, despite he can handle it, does tend to stress him out a fair bit. Unless it's an actual situation where he can't lean against a wall n think of course, then he'll be as impulsive as he likes, but usually thats not a natural reaction to him. Plans before stupid, sudden shit, please and thank you.

Quill:

58: What’s a habit that needs to be broken?

Honestly I'd say Quill's baddest habit is not talking about things and bottling stuff; its a little funny because Quill is kind of an open book so with most things that bother her she usually comes clean pretty quick. As my dear friend Jayson one said, Quill trying to bottle things is like pouring water into a thimble. But the one thing she struggles with is when someone pisses her off or does something she dislikes that makes her specifically hurt or angry she has weird hang ups coming forward to talk about.

I think its something about appearing weak or feeling bad about being hurt by something but she's working on it. It's something that certainly needs to be sorted less another Florence situation arises but thankfully she's doing better with it now.

41: What’s a texture/sound your character cannot stand?

Interesting... hmn. I feel like the sound of like- blacksmith's hammers on metal makes her twitch? Like the consistent plink, plink, plink sound. I also feel in that case the sound of water dripping would drive her fucking insane if left long enough, she loves rain but that has layers to it. It has texture its hitting so many different things and the rhythm is uneven but with a single drip like water dripping from a roof she would hate. Her ears are super sensitive so anything rhythmic sounds would drive her fucking nuts.

Alexandra:

2: Do they consider themselves an optimist? Pessimist? Realist? What are they like in actuality?

Alexandra, herself, would probably consider herself an outright optimist. Even in situations where she's utterly terrified and anxious beyond belief and truly believe theres no way out she will always raise her voice and keep her crew in good spirits, even if she cannot put herself in that place and believe it fully herself she understands its important to have share the minuscule amounts of belief with the people shes working with for it to grow and spread.

I want to say truthfully that shes stuck somewhere between realist and optimist but sticks firmly more to the side of optimistic. She's always looking on the silver lining for things and its very unlike her to struggle in finding even thinly stretched ones. She does her best.

47: Do they consider themselves funny? How do they use humor?

Hmnn... Alex tends to consider herself vaguely funny, she knows she can make people laugh and thats important but she doesn't consider herself like overly hilarious. Folks like Cornelius she'd consider more hilarious than her, better at telling and delivering jokes and sarcasm.

Humor for her often comes off as dry sarcasm with a hint of a smile or a good, healthy amount of teasing but the way she would use it would usually be a show of comfort. She does her best to read folks to make sure making jokes isn't an appropriate thing during the time; but its not too uncommon for her to use humor to make light of a situation that might be difficult for her.

Luther:

69(nice): Which do they value more? Journey or Destination?

OUGHHGHh this is a hard one! Luther's job is being a historian, specifically researching and making information about cultures and places available to people. He loves learning traditions and the ways people did things so long ago and hows its been translated, tweaked and upgraded, had its own little handful spice added to it over the years to make it tied to its roots yet still feel like its progressed and traveled with people throughout the ages.

And in saying this, as much as the destination, finishing a breakthrough and having hard work pay off or even just going through something with someone close to him all for it to end in a satisfying way is a good and wonderful thing. The strides, moments and things that caused that to happen are what make it memorable in its own way and I feel like for Luther's case it'd be the journey.

Sure, he can say that he found out something that led to a breakthrough and ended up discovering something that might otherwise have been missing for years but the time leading up to that, figuring things out with friends, going places and seeing things, the times of laughing and struggling through what seem like impossible puzzles is something he'd hold close and relate to the accomplishment more than the accomplishment itself.

[daysswithyou]

V. Sungjin - Bet

Characters: Sungjin x You

Genre: enemies to lovers!6

Warning: some cursing and swearing

Credits: @7abshy and @parkjaeins; for helping me figure out how annoying teachers can be

Words: 5k

Description: There is always more than meets the eye

Author’s note: This wraps up the enemies to lovers!6 series :) I hope you’ve enjoyed all 5 of them! 

-----

I’m late, I’m late, I’m late, shit!

You repeatedly mouthed the words to yourself under your breath as you squeezed past the throng of people crowding the hallways, occasionally throwing an apology across your shoulder if you bumped into someone. Opting to not take the front entrance into the lecture hall, you ran up flights of stairs to reach the back entrance. By the time you reached the top, you were gasping for breath, your thighs were burning and you could feel the first beads of sweat roll down your back. Slipping through the crack of the heavy wooden door, you settled into the closest empty seat, trying to steady your breathing as your pants became too loud within the enclosed space.

Deep breaths Y/N, deep breaths...

You internally heaved a sigh of relief when you saw the empty podium in front, glad that your professor for this class will not have a bad impression of you.

But your relief was short-lived as the booming voice right next to you soon commanded for attention.

“Alright let’s get started, now that the last student is here.”

As he walks down the flight of stairs to reach the podium, it gives you enough time to observe the authoritative figure. His black leather jacket and ripped black jeans made him look exceptionally tough, and you swore you saw some male students flinch when he walked past them. His hair, which was the colour of warm chocolate, was too long and brushed against his eyelids.

He looks like a model that has just stepped out of a Harley Davidson advertisement.

But you mentally berated yourself for the inappropriate thought, and proceeded to haul it out of the window.

When he stepped onto the podium, he surveyed the whole room before starting again.

 “Good morning. My name is Park Sungjin and I’ll be your TA for this semester and for this class.”

 Ah, so this was the legendary Park Sungjin that you had heard so much about during your first semester. He was famous for being the top student of the graduating batch, with an impeccable portfolio to match. Apparently, he’s so good to the point that many companies and graduate schools have offered him a place amongst them. But, he is also notorious for being a tough TA and everyone’s advice was to just stay away from his bad side if you ever had the fortune (or misfortune) of being in his classes.

All you wanted was to pass this class peacefully so you made it your goal to not cross the line.

However, when he opens his mouth to give the next set of instructions, you knew that you were already on the wrong side of the line.

“So now, if you’re ready Ms Y/N, I’ll begin with the introduction on the topic.” Giving you one last hard glance, he turned to face the screen. Everyone else was furiously copying down notes, but not you.

He said my name, he knows who I am. I’ve been singled out.

It felt like someone had just passed you the death sentence.

-

A week passed by uneventfully and you tried your best to not attract attention to yourself in class. You were on time, and you were attentive in class. You never gave Sungjin trouble – or Mr Park, as you know him by now. Yet, such tactics did not work on him. You knew that you had his full attention when he stares at you from the front as he is giving lectures, even if you’re sitting in a last row. He’ll always linger a little longer behind you as write answers to the mini quizzes in class. You made the mistake of looking up at him once, and you nearly combusted under his hard gaze. What’s worse is that you can’t decide if he approves or disapproves of your work. Perhaps that was the most agonising part.

Today was no different. After handing up your papers for the quiz to the front, you attempted to slip away with the crowd but you just couldn’t slip past Park Sungjin’s attention.

“Y/N, could I have a word with you?”

You halted in your steps, his monotone voice sending chills down your spine.

Why me…

Squeezing your eyes shut and taking in a shaky breath, you turned around to face him before walking in his direction. Your steps were a little too hesitant and you were obviously clutching onto your bag too tightly because this was the first thing that Sungjin said when you finally stood in front of him.

“You can loosen your grip on your bag strap, your knuckles are turning white.”

“O-o-oh. It’s a habit, sorry.”

“What time do your lessons end today, Y/N?”

“6pm. My last lesson is Introduction to Psychology.”

“Good. Meet me at Conference Room 2 of the Social Sciences block, 6.30pm sharp.”

“Yes. Anything else…?”

“That’s all. You may go now.”

Giving Sungjin a curt bow, you scurried out of the lecture hall as fast as you could, dreading the time when you had to see him again.

 6.30pm came too early for your liking, and you soon found yourself face to face with Sungjin once more. A thick stack of papers were sitting by the corner of the table beside him and you knew immediately.

“I’m here to grade papers?”

“More or less; I’ll be giving the final grade and you can help me critique.”

You simply nodded before assuming the seat in front of him.

The next time you looked up, your neck popped up with a loud crack and the clock read 12am. Sungjin kept you thoroughly occupied for the past few hours, papers being presented to you in a systematic manner. You’ve said more words to him a few hours than you’ve said to all your professors combined last semester. While disguised as ‘extra exposure’ for you, deep down you knew that this was Sungjin’s special torture method – and you finally understood what others meant by getting on his bad side.

But the torture didn’t end there.

“Y/N, don’t forget that we have an assignment due the next day. Oh, and don’t be late. See you tomorrow.”

Everything sounds really innocent but you knew what Sungjin really meant was “Don’t mess up tomorrow Y/N.”

You wanted to let out a sigh of frustration but instead you swallowed it and merely replied with a spritely “Yes” before leaving the office.

 -

And this went on for months. Every single time Sungjin gave your class a quiz, you would find yourself in the conference room with him grading papers; sometimes at the expense of your own work. It gradually extended to grading papers from his other classes, but never once did you complain. You knew better than to argue with teachers, much less Sungjin. Every time he looks at you, your words die in your throat; how on earth were you supposed to hold an argument with him? But, of course, when you were back in the comfort of your dorm, which was when you were cursing and swearing at him. At one point in time, your roommate almost called an exorcist, thoroughly freaked out by the way you were flaying your limbs in the air as you continued screaming in frustration.

Needless to say, the late nights left with less sleep, and little energy to pay attention. You were up till 4am last night (or should you say morning), rushing out assignments due today for 2 different classes. You had burst into Sungjin’s lecture hall a good 20 minutes late but in your state, you didn’t care anymore. As usual, you settled into the closest seat you could find, one hand combing through the tangles in your hair, the other rummaging through your bag for your lesson materials. But you were so thoroughly exhausted that you fell asleep 10 minutes later, you pen stopping midway across your paper.

The next time you regain consciousness was when Sungjin’s voice calling your name rang through the speakers.

“So, Ms Y/N, what do you think of the question I just raised?”

You awoke with a start and you scattered your stationary across the floor in the process. You could hear the whole hall snickering at your blunder; save for the few kids sitting around you that helped you pick up your stray pens.

What was the question even? That was the most urgent question for you to answer. You shot a hard look at Sungjin, one that said, “How dare you call me when I’m in this state because of YOU.”

You were sure that he understood your gaze, but he merely raised an eyebrow, as he always did. It was the one that you recognised as “Go on, I’m waiting for your answer.” You knew that there was no way out of this except to answer his question. Panicking, you stared at the last word you wrote in your notebook before rattling off.

“The most famous poem from the Old English period, widely recognised by most is Beowulf. And for – ”

“Oh Ms Y/N, I didn’t know that Scandinavians spoke Old English in the late 10th century. Clearly, someone needs to keep her eyes and ears open. Also, I asked for your opinion, not of those from the 10th century.”

From beneath his long locks, Sungjin gave you a mischievous glint and smirked at you as the entire hall erupted into raucous laughter. Everyone was laughing, except you. Everyone found this funny, except you. Everyone was in a good mood, but you were livid.

How.fucking.dare.you.Park.fucking.Sungjin. I’m suffering in class now because of all your stupid “extra exposure” work after school. Yet you purposely picked on me to answer your question, knowing full well that I can’t. Why do you like picking on me so much? Why do you like embarrassing me in class so much? WHY PARK SUNGJIN!!!

You might have felt better if you actually said it out loud, but you didn’t. You just kept repeating this thought to yourself like a mantra until the end of the lesson.

It’s ok Y/N, just another 30mins of sitting in this hall and looking at his face. Afterwards you can leave and get yourself some ice cream to make yourself feel better. Yes, that’s right… everything is going to be ok Y/N...

But that day, things were not ok and you left the hall in a foul mood. For the final project of the year, you were paired up with Song Jihyo, the girl in class that was notorious for not doing her work.

Its official, Park Sungjin hates me and wants me to burn in Hell. That day, your whole body ached at the thought of more late nights and instead of eating your ice cream, you remembered hurling it at an innocent, nearby tree.

-

Everything that you thought would happen did happen. It’s as the saying goes, “Everything that can go wrong will go wrong.” And in this case, you were helpless against its happening. The only time that you talked to Jihyo was deciding on the thesis and after that, she was virtually uncontactable. You eventually gave up trying to arrange a time to meet to do up the thesis; you merely assigned her parts – which, to be fair, she did do. But they were of such poor quality you ended up deleting most of it and redoing it yourself. But no matter how hard you tried, nothing seemed fresh and you decided to bite the bullet and ask for help.

Lucky for you, Mr Kim was in class today and you immediately ran to him for help.

“Good morning Mr Kim. I have some questions about the final project thesis, is it alright if I ask a few questions?”

“Ah Y/N aren’t you? I’ve heard so much about you from Sungjin! I’ll be glad to help, let me take a look.”

Eagerly, you showed him what you had done so far and when he smiled, you felt a small smile creep onto your face, silently happy that you had gained his approval. But soon, the smile was wiped off your face.

“First of all, an excellent thesis choice, I must say. I remember Sungjin doing something similar for my class 3 years ago, why don’t you ask him for help? He is in a better position to help than I am.”

“Yes sir, I’ll ask Sung- I mean, Mr Park. Yes, I’ll ask Mr Park for advice. Thank you.”

With a light pat on your shoulder, he left you alone and when you turned, you found Park Sungjin standing right in front of you.

“I heard you need help?”

“Yes...” You hated it; you hated having to admit that you needed help from Park Sungjin.

“Hand it over.”

Reluctantly, you passed him your phone and turned to the side, not wanting to see his face further.

When he finally passed back the phone to you, you didn’t feel any more enlightened.

“You can do better than this.”

“What do you mean? That isn’t helpful!”

“That’s all I have to say. You know what to do, so do it.”

“I don’t! I don’t know what to do, which is why I’m asking for help!”

“Then sit down and figure it out.”

So that’s how it’s going to be – you won’t give me a consultation when I need it the most. Fine.

But that was not what you said. You said this instead, “Ok, I’ll figure it out.”

From then onwards, without help from anyone, you trudged through the group thesis yourself. This was on top of the individual thesis that each of you had to prepare for. You were literally typing so much (or rather, punching) your keyboard so hard that one of the keys fell out and you had to send your laptop for repairs. Not only was school draining your sanity, it was also draining your money. Due to the delay in repairing your laptop, you were left with a week to finish half of your thesis.

The outcome: later nights and heavier eye bags. By now, you were too tired to curse and swear at Sungjin for the terrible grouping since it was already taking insane willpower from you to even show up in class. You merely bottled up your indignation, and kept working to avoid thinking about it. After placing the stack of papers in Sungjin’s letter tray, you went back to your dorm and crashed for 12 hours straight.

This signalled the start of your 1 week break, and one week of not seeing Park Sungjin.

Thank goodness.

-

The next time you saw Park Sungjin, you were glad that it was the last time that you would have to see him. After all the torture he had put you through for the past semester, you were glad that you’ll be done with him now.

Yet, as always, Park Sungjin manages to make your life a living hell till the end.

Group Thesis: C

Individual Thesis: E

Overall: D

Comments for Individual Thesis: Clear presentation of key ideas and mostly factually correct. Choice of thesis could be better.

Signed: Park Sungjin

Choice of thesis could be better. Park Sungjin failed me, just because he didn’t like my topic.

You were brought out from your shock by a large shove from behind. Whipping around, you found a smiley Jihyo in front of you and her next words made you want to punch her in her perfect little teeth.

“Thank you for helping me pass the class Y/N! How much did you get?”

Without your consent, she ripped your papers from your hands before handing them back to you with a frown.

“That’s odd; we had the same choice of individual thesis, why did you do worse?” But Jihyo had no time to contemplate on the answer to her question when she was dragged away by her friends to celebrate their good grades.

I can tolerate everything that Park Sungjin has put me through, but not this.

Running up to Sungjin, you stopped him from leaving before asking to see him.

“Do you have time now?”

“Yes. What is this about?”

“This is about my thesis, can we talk somewhere else?”

“Conference Room 2 of the Social Sciences building in 10 minutes, I need to talk to Mr Kim first.”

“Ok.”

You were going to clear this once and for all.

-

“So, what is it about your thesis, Y/N?”

“You failed me just because you didn’t like my topic, didn’t you?”

You’ve rehearsed this part many times in your head and this wasn’t how it was supposed to sound like. It was supposed to sound polite and less accusatory, but fuck that. You wanted answers, and if you had to demand it from him, you will.

“Yes, I did. What’s the issue with it?”

“It’s not fair.”

“Nothing is fair in this world Y/N; I thought you’d know that by now.”

“Yes, I do know that. But what you’re doing is not only unfair, but also downright discriminatory.”

“How so?”

“Jihyo told me that we both had the same choice of thesis, and I got and E and she got a B. My grades are clearly a personal attack against my character. You never liked me from the start, I get it. But it’s wrong to simply disregard my entire thesis because you didn’t like the topic! What is wrong with this topic? It’s within the list of topics that you’ve given us, I met the word count, I met deadlines. I did everything!”

“And I’m supposed to give you a A for that?”

"I’m not saying you have to give me an A for it. I'm just trying to prove the fact that – " "A fact is already a fact, you don't have to prove it." "God damn it Sungjin! Would you just lay off me for a second? Would it kill for you to not correct my grammar for once? Would it kill you to not pick on me for one second?" "It's Mr Park, for you. It still is. And no, I won't lay off your grammar – you are an English language major that has taken my class, there is no way that I'm allowing you to continue to speak with bad grammar." "I hate you." "That can technically count as swearing at a teacher. Are you testing my patience?" "No. I'm just saying that it's not fair for you to give me a bad grade just because you did not like my choice of thesis. That's just being biased." "I'm not changing your grade." "I can't fail this module Sungjin! I need to pass this module to go for the Advanced English module. Yes, it's not a perfect thesis but I don't deserve to fail for this!" "Welcome to the real world Y/N." "I hate you Sungjin. I really fucking do." You pick up your bag and slam the door on your way out. That night, for the first time, you cried. And you hated the fact that you were crying over stupid Park Sungjin.

-

The next day, you awoke with puffy eyes but nonetheless, you showed up for lessons. You nearly bumped into Sungjin on your way to Psychology but you immediately detoured. You couldn’t get close to him – you might just punch him and be charged for assaulting a teacher.

That evening, you had just ended lessons when your phone buzzed and Sungjin’s name lit up on your screen.

Mr Park: You have another chance to redo your thesis and not fail the class. Deadline is January 20th, 2 weeks from now. Papers in my tray at 6pm sharp; don’t be late for the submission.

You swiped his notification away quickly, but you remembered the words and that night, you began sourcing for more ideas for your individual thesis.

For the next 3 days, Sungjin just wouldn’t leave you alone. Your phone buzzed with his name every now and then, and he was so distracting that you nearly wanted to block his number.

Mr Park: Are you going to resubmit your thesis?

Mr Park: Have you chosen a thesis yet?

Mr Park: What is your choice of thesis? How many words in?

Mr Park: Do you need help? Just drop me a message; I can help you check your thesis.

Help me with my thesis? Is he playing saint now? As if I’m going to accept help from him.

As you turned your attention back to your screen, you found that a shadow has fallen in front of your laptop. You found yourself staring at a pair of familiar, battered, black Converse and looking up only confirmed your suspicions. The man was here in person – Park Sungjin.

“Why aren’t you replying my messages?”

Why must I hold myself accountable to you? Buzz off.

You continued typing, completely ignoring Sungjin. You heard him sigh before inviting himself to sit in front of you.

“Y/N, what is your thesis? Hey, answer me. I came all the way down here to find you.”

“You came here voluntarily, I didn’t ask for your help. You can leave.”

“You’re still angry at me?”

Of course I am, you asshole. You’re just asking the obvious.

With each thought, you punched the keys on your keyboard harder.

“Stop typing so hard, you’ll spoil your keyboard. Working in spite is not going to produce quality work Y/N.”

Without your consent, he lifted your laptop into the air and onto his lap and scrolled through your entire document for 15 minutes. Passing it back to you with a smile, you stared at him in shock for 5 minutes.

Park Sungjin never smiles; did he just smile at me?

“You did it.”

“What did I do?”

“You figured it out. This was the choice of thesis I wanted you to choose in the very first place. Furthermore, you’ve chosen the correct area to focus on.”

“Thank you… I thought…”

“What did you think about?”

“I thought I might not be on the right track. But your words makes me feel a little more reassured now.”

“Well, I’ll leave you alone now.”

Park Sungjin then took his leave, but he was lying when he said he’ll leave you alone. He never did. Till the submission deadline, he visited you every alternate day.

As expected, you got an A for your individual thesis.

-

When you got an email from Mr Kim saying that he wanted to meet you, you thought you were doomed; most likely a disciplinary case on your head after what you said to Sungjin. But turns out, it was an interview for the Advanced English course, and they passed you immediately. When you walked out of the room still stunned that that you had entered the course of your choice, you found Sungjin waiting outside for you, almost like he knew you were going to be there.

“They passed you didn’t they?”

“Huh?”

Hearing his voice reminded you of what Mr.Kim said to you just now:

“We’ve received high commendations of you, Ms Y/N. All the professors pushed for your recommendation into the course, and Sungjin, especially. He was the first one to mention offering you a place in the course. He spoke of your remarkable working attitude.”

“May I ask something?”

“Yes, anything at all.”

“What exactly did Mr Park say about me?”

“He mentioned that you work well even under immense stress and long hours, catching up really fast even if you fell behind. But, most importantly, he spoke of your willingness to try again after failure. That is the most important quality that we are looking out for: tenacity. We have no doubt that you’ll be a suitable candidate to enter this demanding course. We would love to offer you a place, should you choose to accept.”

“I would love to, thank you. Thank you to the faculty and professors for having me.”

Sungjin hates me, why would be recommend me for the course?

“Follow me.”

Taking him by the wrist, you dragged Sungjin all the way to the bridge in the school park before letting him go.

“What’s with the rush, Y/N?”

Hands on your hips, you turned to face Sungjin with wide eyes, your lips set firmly in a thin line.

“I don’t understand you Sungjin. First, you torture me in lessons by making me so many extra work and now you’re putting in good words for me and recommending me for my dream course? Did you suddenly decide that you like me more now overnight?”

“Ah, so they told you everything I said. Mr Kim promised to not tell, I should have known he wouldn’t keep to it.”

“You’re still not answering my questions.”

“I’m getting there. First of all, that extra work was not torture, they were a test. I loaded you with many things to see how much you can handle before you snapped but thankfully and luckily for me, you never did.”

“I did silently curse and swear at you.”

“That is a given. But you didn’t say it out loud, so it doesn’t count. You’ve proven to – ”

“To be able to work well under immense pressure and long hours.”

“Yes. That is an important quality for taking any Advanced courses. I took the same course with the same professors that you’ll be having so I know how intense it was. I had to put you under pressure to see if my bet was correct.”

“I was your bet?”

“Yes, I was betting on you all along. You have great potential.”

“Thank you.”

“Oh? I thought someone hated me before.”

“Like you said, that was before. I don’t anymore. What you put me through was tough, but they did teach me more about myself and my limits. So, thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Now that I’ve managed to help you get a place in your course, I think it’s time to return the favour?”

“What’s your proposal?”

“Come to my graduation ceremony next spring. It’s in April.”

“Ok. That’s all?”

“That’s all for now.”

But when a soft smile lights up Sungjin’s face, you knew there was more in store for the both of you in time to come.

-

April 20th

You had come early to get front row seats and as you watch Sungjin give a speech representing the graduating batch, your heart swells with pride. You’ve seen him work very hard for the past one semester and to see him being handed his graduation certificate made you feel like all his efforts paid off.

You were the last to greet Sungjin because there was simply too many people crowding around him. You watch from afar and you giggle when you see Sungjin frantically asking Kang Younghyun if he’s seen you around. He does this thing where his eyes grow big like saucers, so big that you thought they were going to pop out of their sockets. You could also hear the fear in his voice – he speaks a little faster and slips into the Busan dialect. So when you greet him by gently tapping him on the shoulder, he whips around so fast the wind nearly knocked you over. But when you see his facial expression melt from one of worry into one of happiness, you nearly melt into a puddle there and then. You’d given anything to see those sparkly eyes and sweet smile.

“Ah finally you’re here Y/N! I saw you in the front row just now but then afterwards I didn’t so I was worried that you left but I haven’t got a photo with you yet. I was so sad  because I haven’t asked you my question yet – ”

“Calm down Sungjin! I’m here now right? Also, happy graduation! I got this for you.”

Proudly, you hold up the bear plushie you had custom made for him, decked out in the exact same graduation gown that he had on right now.

“It looks like you, right? I named him Bang!”

“Why Bang?”

“Because you always say goodbye in a very cute manner and Bang seems like a cute name to capture that cuteness. Also, I gave him eyelashes! When you observe the details, he really looks like you right?”

When Sungjin finally notices the eyelashes, he bursts out laughing and you swore your heart nearly stopped. When he finally stopped laughing and took over the bear from you, he finally remembered the question he wanted to ask you.

“Y/N- ah…”

“Yes?”

“If I ask you out…will you say yes?”

Just to tease him a little, you decided to look up at the sky, and contemplate your answer for a little while.

“I don’t know…maybe?”

“You can’t do this to me! I waited so long to ask you this question!”

“Why did you wait so long then?”

“I had to wait till I graduated. It wouldn’t be right for a teacher to ask his student out right?”

“That’s true…but I still don’t know if I’d go out with you. How about we make a bet?”

“With what?”

“With a coin. You flip a coin and I’ll decide. Which side are you confident of getting?”

“Heads, I always flip a head.”

“Ok, go ahead then. Heads for I’ll go out with Park Sungjin and tails for…”

With utmost concentration, Sungjin flips the coin and slams his palm over it when it lands. Opening his palm, his face immediately becomes crestfallen: staring back at him was a tail.

But you haven’t finished your sentence yet.

“Tails for…I’ll still go out with you anyways!” you said, as you gave him a quick peck on the cheek.

“Really? You would?”

“Ask any more questions and I’ll reconsider.”

“Ok, ok I won’t ask any more questions! What do you want to eat?”

“Fried chicken!”

“Oh, I was betting that you’ll say fried chicken!”

“Betting on fried chicken is great Park Sungjin, but I'm betting on something else now.”

Sungjin turns to look at you and he says, "So, what are you betting on now?"

"I'm betting that you'll give me a kiss."

"Really? How are you so sure?"

"I know you Park Sungjin, I know you'll do it. So, am I getting a kiss or not?" 

Without another word, Sungjin closes the space between the both of you, so close that if either moved, your lips would touch. You closed your eyes and waited for the impact, but instead you felt something soft press into your forehead and you immediately smiled. 

"Not where I was expecting, but ok Sungjin."

"I'm saving the best for the last."

"I'm holding you accountable for that statement."

"You can bet your life on it that I'll fulfill it."

Not only was he your best bet, he was your favourite bet too.

[queerlyglittering]

LETTER BOY UPDATE

ok! This is long overdue lmao. but until the other day I was feeling a bit mopey and sad and also just generally tired and didn’t wanna talk about it BUT THEN  E X T R E M E L Y  LONG POST AHEAD

so lemme see where I last left off re: Letter Boy.... ok so like, to recap: there for a while we’d barely been talking. He didn’t have time to write to me most of the time, and then half the time when we did write to each other our letters kept getting lost in the mail, etc etc. I know I’d been like pretty obsessive over the whole letter-writing thing for a while so I thought I’d been pushing him away and like at one point I wrote him a goodbye letter? Like I was really out here like “I’m so sorry for bothering you so much, I’ll leave you alone now” like what sort of passive-aggressive bitchy monster lmao. And then eventually I was like nah fuck that, that’s not ok and I’m not leaving things like that, so I wrote him an apology and we kinda got back to talking a bit. And then he finally wrote me back! And his letter was deeply personal and emotional and I cried! He came out as ace! He told me he loved me! The absolute drama of it all! (Which it turns out, at that point he didn’t mean it in terms of like, romantic love, just like... he really cared about me as a person and was glad that he felt comfortable to write about his experiences re: being ace to me and it was sort of cathartic. BUT THEN!) So I wrote back almost immediately, telling him that I loved him too and that he was valid and shit lmao. That was all back in late May/early June I think... tbh I don’t remember what happened over the summer, lemme go back and reread our messages? b/c I know neither of us has physically written to the other since then.  Ok so we messaged a bit about potentially meeting up at a Pride festival, either there in Houston or up in Dallas, but the timing just generally didn’t work out in our favor for either event, so we wound up not going. And then we kinda sporadically messaged each other here and there, usually when he was stressed with school or I was stressed with work, etc, but we barely talked off and on for a couple months. Then I started my current job, and my sleep cycle got outta whack for a few weeks, and that’s when things started to get interesting again lmao

ok so sometime near the end of August, he had like a minor depressive episode or something in the middle of the night and messaged me at like 4 am saying he felt “gross and sad” and I slept through that because it was Saturday but I wound up waking up at like 6:30 out of habit from getting up for work, and I ended up calling him and we talked for a while and I vented about some stuff in my life too and then we both went back to sleep lmao. And after that things got a little more active in terms of communication; like y’all know me, I’m a Needy Bitch, so of course I wound up messaging him like once every couple days or so whenever I started to miss him and needed Attention. Like it kinda started with a tarot reading I got, just a standard past/present/future 3-card reading, but she pulled the Lovers for my present, so I mean.... and basically she said something about there being a person in my life whom I had feelings for, and who reciprocated those feelings, but there was a communications disconnect, and the relationship was getting to a point where it could begin to go stale, and that we shouldn’t block ourselves off from progress. After that reading I reached out and messaged him again, and we ended up literally speaking every day for a week. Like I think I’d made a post about that on here about not messaging him for the 8th day in a row and thought I was exaggerating but then I went back and counted and IT ACTUALLY WAS THE 8TH DAY, WOW AUDREY, YOU’RE OFFICIALLY ANNOYING. So I tried to get better about leaving him alone lmao but I started messaging him a bunch of stuff about my singing, because my old community had a brief resurgence in September. and he said he wanted to sing something with me someday and I’m 🥰🥰

So then at one point I had mentioned coming down to Houston for the weekend of the SFA/Sam Houston State game (which was last weekend, 10/5-6) with my friend, and ditching the game to hang out with him instead. I kinda let the subject drop for a couple weeks because at that point it was almost a month out and I wasn’t 100% sure I was gonna be able to go so I didn’t want to get both our hopes up. But then work started being really shitty and dicking me around about my schedule change that was supposed to have happened once I got out of training, and my home life wasn’t gr8 either, so I kinda latched onto that weekend trip as like a bright spot, or something to hope for. Something to keep me going. And he’d basically forgotten about it, which is fine, except I wound up springing it back on him at the last minute lmao. But then my friend who I was supposed to go with (because I can’t drive so she was gonna drive us down there) was like ‘nah I’m not going to the game, I have no money for tickets.’ So I was like well shit, there goes my happy thing. And I talked to her about it and basically begged her to just go down to Houston for the weekend anyway, I’d get us a hotel and everything, because I needed this. So she was like ‘alright, look at hotels.’ But then HER friend got very sick, like in-the-hospital having-mysterious-seizures sick, and she went to go stay with her in the hospital for a few days because the girl’s husband was being a dick about it (it turned out to just be an infection from a contact lens that got stuck in her eye and like melted??? idk. but it was BAD AND SCARY). But that was like Wednesday-Friday of the week we were supposed to go to Houston on that weekend and I wasn’t sure she’d be up to going. So I asked last minute if she still wanted to go or if I should cancel the hotel (not realizing that it was too late to cancel it anyway lmao RIP) and she said ‘ok sure but I wanna bring my kid, since I’ve been away from her for 3 whole days.’ I was like that’s fine, I already thought you were gonna bring her lol. So we wound up going down there on Saturday but we left a bit later than we’d meant to, and by the time we got to town, Letter Boy was already at work. So I missed him that day. The three of us (me, friend & kiddo) wound up swimming in the hotel pool and then ordering Chinese takeout for dinner so that was pretty fun. 

Then the next day, Sunday! Letter Boy called as we were checking out of the hotel to try and figure out what the plan was, where we could meet up, etc. We decided to meet at the mall nearby, since it was an easy landmark for all parties, and we could find each other pretty easily there. He took me (and my friend and her kid, though apparently that wasn’t the plan, and he would’ve preferred to spend time with just me; she even gave me the option to not have the two of them meet us at the restaurant and I decided not to take it because i was a nervous anxious coward lmao) out to lunch at this Korean place in town, where he loves to eat. We played a few rounds of a card game and talked and ate and it was great fun. Then he had to bail and go to work, and we had an interesting goodbye because I’d been out here trying to respect his personal space and all because from what he’d said in his coming-out letter, it sounded very much like he was touch-averse - but then he hugged me goodbye? and kept coming back for more hugs?! like “one more? ok just one more? and one more?” like nonstop for a good five minutes lmao. I was a bit confused but I loved it (my primary love language is physical touch; hugs are my kryptonite. And he gives AMAZING hugs. like I may have even actually dreamed about his hugs before I ever got to experience one, but that’s whole other post lol). Anyway so after that my friend and I went to hang out at her brother’s in-laws’ place because they lived in the area lol. Letter Boy had asked me to message him once I got there, so I did. I told him I wished I could’ve spent more time with him one-on-one, and he said “well if you’re still in town maybe you can sneak away when I get my break later” So I basically said hell yes, just tell me where to meet you, lol. We wound up meeting up at Starbucks and getting coffee and continuing to talk and hang out for the half hour of his break, and he really didn’t want to leave when it was time for him to go. Like he actually contemplated kidnapping me and bringing me to work with him lmao. If my ride hadn’t already been on her way, I would’ve gone with him in a heartbeat. I didn’t want to leave either. And he told me he loved me again!  🥰🥰🥰 It was sappy and sweet and just aghhhh <3

So that was a week ago today! And there’s been some interesting developments since then too. Starting off with that Sunday night when I got home, I’d had too much coffee (starbucks messed up my order and had to remake it so I ended up drinking both lmao, big mistake). So I was over-caffeinated and v emotional and couldn’t sleep so I started writing out all my anxious confused feelings in letter form, and wound up just linking Letter Boy to the Google Doc I’d been writing in. This was at almost 2 AM. Apparently I woke him up and he read it and replied to me over messenger and basically we talked about how like. when he first said he loved me in the letter, he didn’t necessarily mean it in a romantic context but it was definitely more than just platonic and he wasn’t sure how to quantify that. But now that we’d met in person, and got to spend some actual time together, he felt a little differently and that he was “not 100% sure but WAAAY more than 50% sure” that he loved me romantically, because partially because he’s ace, he’s just kinda unsure about romantic relationships in general and he’s reluctant to commit to them because the sex thing always becomes an issue. I reassured him that I completely understand and respect his orientation and would never ask him to change that aspect of himself or do anything that would make him uncomfortable, and he seemed immensely relieved. At this point I’m honestly not even sure how much of his feelings are genuinely for/about me, and how much of them are just some sort of general euphoria at having someone basically validate his orientation and his existence, because he’d spent so long being mocked and tormented by friends and lovers alike, and basically just feeling broken and worthless. And I completely understand that reaction. I’m not even sure I care if that’s all this is, if it comes down to it; I’m happy to be here to love and support him and make sure he never feels less than whole and valid again, no matter my context in his life. I just want him to be happy. I’d love to be the one who makes him happy, but if ultimately that is not my part in his life, then so be it. I’m at peace with it.

Anyway so that was Sunday night, we talked a little bit on Monday and Tuesday and then like,, nothing at all for a few days? And so of course my immediate instinct is that I came on too strong and pushed him away, just because he doesn’t want to talk to me every day?? so I got all mopey and sad and weird, because I thought I’d scared him off and lost him and idk. Also I was in a funk b/c my hormones are being wacky this week; I don’t really get periods per se with my IUD, but sometimes I’ll get phantom cramps and/or mood swings, etc. but this past week i’ve been spotting and cramping AND moody af, so that’s been fun. So I’d been all weird and sad and shit, and thinking he didn’t want to talk to me = he didn’t want me, and I was so paranoid and afraid because I still think this whole thing is too good to be true and I can’t trust it. I know it’s silly and far too early to be serious and it’ll never last and probably won’t end well. I know that it’s fun and easy and idealistic and won’t stand up to reality or practicality, when it eventually has to face them. So I’ve been bracing myself for that ending ever since it began. And I know three days isn’t very long, but after having a whole conversation about how we love each other, and how we love each other, it felt like an eternity. BUT THEN!!!!!!!!!

So ok, we did talk briefly on Friday, in passing. but it was a very short little conversation; the only major thing to come out of it was a further confirmation that yes, he’s serious about coming up here to see me. BUT THEN Saturday night (10/12), he got home from seeing Eric Andre perform live, and he was hanging out with his sister and drinking and generally being a goof, and he messaged me! UPDATE: It’s now sunday 10/20 and I’m still writing this. idk it’s been a lot, everything else in my life has been rough lately, idk. im not feeling as positively about this as i was before, but i’ll keep writing the update. I’ve written too much

SO! Anyway. he came home from the comedy show thing, and he was hanging out with his sister watching some Japanese reality show and drinking, and he messaged me out of the blue. Funny thing I’ve noticed is that he doesn’t generally reach out to me first and he’s not too expressive generally but whenever he’s intoxicated in some way, be it alcohol or pot or even benadryl, he gets really effusively, gushily mushy and sweet. So on this occasion he was drunk, or at least tipsy, and that means he was being extra affectionate and dumb lmao. He started out telling me about his night and then hit me with the “I wish you were heeeerrrrreeeeeeee” lol. And he said something about how one day when he graduates, we should get a place together, where we can “be non-binary and own our dreams” (the second time he’s mentioned possibly being nonbinary to me - or possibly third time, he said something in passing about being confused about gender roles, in a context that implied ‘in relation to himself.’ meanwhile I haven’t actually said anything at all to him about me being nonbinary, he just kinda assumed b/c i have a rly butch-y looking haircut rn lmao. but like.. he ain’t wrong tho 😂 so that’s a conversation that we need to actually have sometime.) He was like “it’s sorta romantic that you live up there and I live down here and we’re so far apart and we have to just kinda pine after each other basically” and i was like oh good, I’m not the only one pining lmao. But then he asked me to come with him when he moves to Japan to teach English there, sometime after he finishes his degree. Which like, I wish I could go with him, and I know that if we’re still talking at that point/especially if we actually get together, it’s gonna be hard to be that far away from him and I’m gonna miss him. But it’s just eminently not practical. I don’t have any college degree and I don’t speak a lick of Japanese, there’s no way I can teach English with him; and there aren’t many other jobs there for Americans. And he won’t be making enough to support both of us on a teacher’s salary, i know that much. So that’s where I start to get a bit disillusioned. Like I know it was just a drunk suggestion out of a desperation to not be apart anymore, and despite the fact that a drunk mouth often speaks sober thoughts, I know better than to assume that either of those offers to live together were any kind of a promise, and I have no intention to hold him to either of them. But in the moment I very much got my hopes up and I let myself get really excited and I regret that now lmao because like I knew even then that it wasn’t real. and now i’m just sorta disappointed because I’ve had to confront the fact that he’s very much a daydreamer and I, for all my delusional fantasizing, am at heart more practical than that. I don’t like to hope for things that I know can’t happen, because it’s just setting myself up for future devastation. And he just wants to hope and wish for everything, and maybe some of it will come true and maybe some of it won’t, and he just sort of seems unbothered by either outcome. For all my hopeless romanticism and my overemotional nature, I can’t bring myself to do that, to hope without expectation. I don’t know how. it’s so antithetical to my understanding of the world. And it just serves to highlight another of the many ways in which we are almost complete opposites - which isn’t a bad thing! but it can make some things harder. like handling distance, or hoping for the future, or just communication in general.

but anyway! back to drunken happiness lmao. he started saying really sappy shit like how he wants to be there for me when I’m feeling down, and he wants to have big dumb fights with me just so he can make it up to me with a big grand gesture like flowers or edible arrangements or something. and then he wrote me a drunken limerick and it was actually surprisingly good and really cute lmao. and he said he wanted to cuddle me. and then we got into a mini-fight over which one of us was cuter lmao. and he called me queen and said that he just wants to like. make me food and take care of me and stuff lol. and that he doesn’t even HAVE a type but somehow I am exactly his type? which is still fucking me up, that’s the sweetest shit i’ve ever heard. (because i know what he means, he’s dated around quite a bit with different types and genders of people and stuff because he didn’t really know how to handle his asexuality and of course the myth is that you just haven’t found the right person yet, so he just kept trying and feeling broken and then here I am, the first person he’s found to be accepting and understanding of that part of him, and still want him and care for him and be all lovey-dovey and shit with him, and he just wants me to be happy in return.) meanwhile I of course have several types, including different types for girls and guys etc, but he’s hitting all my boxes - tall, handsome in a kind of adorkable way, smart, funny, sarcastic, sweet, patient, sensitive, similar tastes in media and similar political alignments, queer. plus he’s just cute as fuck. like out of my league cute lmao but again, that’s exactly my type OTL so like I told him that, and that I just wanna like. hold him and be with him and help him be successful in whatever he wants in life. and he freaked out and was like ugh you should just come here rn i’ll hide you under my bed if i have to and i was like i wish i could :( and he was like THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH AUDREY COME HERE and i was like OK IM LEAVING ON FOOT SEE U IN 3 DAYS and it was funny. and we flung a bunch of heart emojis at each other. and then he made a passing reference to his mood swings and i kinda ended up ignoring it because i sent a message at the same time but in my head i was like boy have you even MET me, 1. the swings have always been my favorite piece of playground equipment, 2. i’ve got mood swings down to a fine art, and 3. i’m more worried about whether you can handle mine. i’m pretty sure i can take yours in stride lmao. and then there was more talk of cuddling, and HE STARTED HEART REACTING ALL MY MESSAGES and i’m just like WTF STOP IT THAT IS THE CUTEST SHIT <3333 and then he sent me a dollar by accident? and I sent him the “i love you bitch, i ain’t never gonna stop loving you bitch” vine lmao

and apparently this whole time he was still sitting around with his sister? lmao because he said she told him she approved of me after i sent that vine 😂 and she apparently likes my hair! which is good lol (reminder I need to post some pics of it on here, I posted selfies to fb but i don’t think i’ve posted on here yet). his sister is also bi lmao and seems cool in general (and also from what i’ve seen creeping her fb, she’s REALLY GORGEOUS, like it runs in the family, these fuckers should be models, it’s ridiculous really) so having her approval is v nice. like at least one member of his family approves of me! now to work on the rest 😂😂 and then he was talking about he was gonna get high also (despite being already drunk) and i was joking with him about bogarting the weed and he was like “when we live together I’ll share my weed with you” lmao but he said it with such certainty, like it was just a given. not an if, but a when. which threw me for enough of a loop. But then he started in on this fantasy scenario where like it’s late at night and we can’t sleep so he makes me sushi by hand, and we feed each other with our chopsticks (he was impressed that I already knew how to use them lmao) and we sit on the couch arm in arm watching reruns of cheers and laughing way too loudly and fall asleep in each other’s arms as the sun comes up outside but we don’t have anything to do the next day so it’s ok. and it was the sweetest most romantic shit I’ve literally ever heard in my LIFE, like it sounds like actual heaven and i was crying happy tears at this point lmao. just 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 like in that moment i felt so fucking loved i couldn’t even speak and y’all know i’m never speechless, i literally can’t fucking shut up most of the time lmao. and like at that point his phone was dying so he went to plug it in and go to bed and I did the same because it was like 2:30 in the morning but i was just giddy with affection and couldn’t sleep. 

anyway so the next day (sunday) i had a party thing to go to that was really fun but i’m socially awkward so i texted him a lot as a crutch. and then the next day (monday) he had given me “permission to bug the crap out of him” so i messaged him a lot throughout my work day because it was an unusually crappy day anyway. and the day after that (tuesday) we messaged about the democratic debates and stuff. and then i kinda tried to give him some space, because i felt like i was smothering him, and i made it all the way to friday evening before i caved in and messaged him again. like i don’t wanna bother him by messaging him every day, i know he’s busy. whenever he doesn’t actively have class, he’s got homework or he’s working (which usually means he’s driving and can’t talk). but i’m like so addicted to the affection i get from him, it’s bad. my anxiety just keeps building and getting worse if i try to avoid messaging him and I don’t make it very far before i end up giving in and messaging him for a hit of that good ol’ dopamine. so we ended up catching each other up on the events of the latter part of our week, and talking about sushi preferences. and he apparently has never had eel?? like that was probably the 2nd or 3rd thing i tried lmao 😂 but then to be fair I had a boyfriend at the time who was very interested in making sure i tried new things, and who had been stationed briefly in japan so he knew a lot about sushi and wanted to show off. anyway Letter Boy is like me, he prefers salmon by a wide margin. and we talked about how he’d tried squid and did not enjoy it, and that turned into a mini battle to see who could post the weirdest squid-themed gif lmao. and then i sent him the playlist but he still hasn’t listened to it yet I don’t think. but he also wants me to write him a poem lmao so that’s something i should start working on i guess. but idk i’m not feeling it rn but that’s not his fault. 

and then today happened and i had another incident with my mother and her narcissistic bullshit and i was feeling like shit so i reached out to my best friend to kinda get some validation that i’m not actually the narcissistic one (which felt shitty and manipulative, like if i have to ask i’m probably at least a LITTLE narcissistic. but then again if i actually was narcissistic i guess i wouldn’t even have that doubt? like i would just be certain that i wasn’t and not second-guess it because i wouldn’t care? and like making their victims believe that THEY are the narcissistic ones and the abuser isn’t, is a classic hallmark of gaslighting and narcissistic abuse? but i still felt like shit about it idk). And I also reached out to Letter Boy because while I love my best friend more than words can say, like she’s my sister-from-another-mother, Letter Boy has kind of become my comfort person. like i always used to write letters to him whenever I was going through a rough spot, as a distraction. and usually I’ll message him whenever I’m starting to feel anxious or sad, but lately it’s gotten to where I’ll start to feel anxious and sad whenever I don’t message him regularly. like i’ve said, it’s getting bad and i’m worried about it. like that’s not a good sign of a healthy relationship. and it’s nice to have some positivity in my life, especially given all the negative shit i’m constantly surrounded by. but that doesn’t mean this relationship is healthy or good for either of us. so that’s yet another thing on my list of shit that’s making me anxious lol. but anyway he tried to be supportive when i told him about what i’m dealing with in re: my mother, and encouraged me to get out, but he just seemed kinda generally lost. like he didn’t know how to deal with it. and if that’s because he’s been fortunate enough that in his life, that kind of behaviour is not something he’s experienced, then I’m happy for him. but he said some stuff about not really believing in labels, but specifically in regards to mental health issues? which like. that’s all fine and good in terms of gender and sexuality, but with mental health, that’s a medical issue. you kind of have to have names for things in that context so that you can treat them. and i get that he was kinda trying to be encouraging to me, to not let my mother make me think of myself as a narcissist, and to not feel so shitty about myself in terms of like my depression and anxiety and stuff. but it just felt like it was sort of coming from a place of very neurotypical privilege and misunderstanding, and it was sort of unintentionally invalidating. and then he brought up the idea of us living together again, once he graduates, but he said it in a slightly more realistic way which i should have been happier with but that only wound up disappointing me. he said “maybe when i graduate we can get a place...” instead of like his certainty from earlier. and i said i wish, and he said that he wishes too and we should both hope for it and maybe it’ll happen. and i’m just like... hope is a dangerous thing for my emotional health, i don’t want to hope for something that isn’t going to happen. and he basically said that i need to learn to hope without expectation, and set small goals as baby steps toward that bigger dream, and i’m just like. i don’t understand but thank you lmao. and that’s where we left off this evening. and i’ve been crying, about shit with my mom and my life in general and worrying about all this bullshit with letter boy and how like a week ago we were blissfully happy with each other and now things are feeling increasingly less certain and i have this burning feeling in the back of my mind that he’s not gonna actually show up for the Syrup Festival in 3 weeks - which again, i’ve pinned all my hopes to, it’s the light at the end of my newest tunnel. and i’m so nervous because i want to show him everything and let him get a feel for where i live (and why i feel trapped here lmao) and yet at the same time i don’t know how to handle it because i don’t think he’ll feel the same way about it as i do. and i’m still not sure he’ll even come. because despite him telling me repeatedly that he wants to come, i can’t help but feel that either something will come between us within that time, or he’ll just end up having to work, or something, and he won’t actually come. i’m so terrified he won’t want to come. I’m terrified i’m pushing him away. because this whole thing, ever since we started writing letters, has felt mostly one-sided, like i’m out here sharing everything with him and flinging my love and attention at him, and getting scraps in return, just enough to keep me coming back for more. and i don’t know if he’s stringing me along or if he’s serious. he is a bit flighty. I don’t want him to fly away. but i don’t want to hold him down, either.

i don’t know.

[keelywolfe]

FIC: Biting Off More Than You Can Chew; part 4

Summary: For better or worse, choices have been made. Time to reap the consequences. 

Tags: heatfic, dubious consent, NSFW, frenemies to lovers, mates, first time, more if I think of them

PLEASE READ THE TAGS: This is a Heat story, so there are going to be issues of consent. I don’t do partner rape, nope, but hey, I want to be straight with y’all. I like heatfics personally, but I understand how they can be troubling for some people. So there it is.

Okay, here we go: There is explicit sex in this chapter! NSFW!

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It was like déjà vu to teleport into the Fell brothers’ house, this time with a bag over his shoulder. This was all pure guesswork on his part, but it didn't take a PhD to figure that some lube, a few bottles of water, and a change of clothes was probably a good idea. 

Nothing had changed, the living room was still a clutter of dirty dishes and laundry. But the smell was so much stronger, almost enough to make him stagger, eye-wateringly ripe, only now it smelled fucking delicious. Rus took a long breath and slowly pulled his sweatshirt off, hanging it over the back of a chair. There was no telling how this was going to turn out and he was pretty fond of this one. He slipped off his shoes and that left him in a tank top and track pants, easy clothes to navigate.

All that was left was psyching himself up.

The truth was, he hadn’t had sex in a couple of months. He wasn’t naïve about his issues, thanks, he was more than aware that he used sex as something of a pressure valve, losing himself for a little while in an anonymous body, but lately, spending time with their alternates had been easing some of that. Suddenly, there were other skeletons, ones who understood, and while a couple of Monsters had been disappointed that the pussy store had closed shop, most of them had been agreeable about it. No one had made any promises to anyone, it had been a mutual benefit that had dried up and Rus’d been okay with going solo for a while. Or he had, until Red decided to have his brother plug into him like quarters in a slot machine.

No point in thinking that way right now. This was like any other time he’d had a one-nighter, that was all this was going to be. A little necessary relief and from his growing reaction to that smell, the lube probably wasn’t going to be necessary.

He went upstairs a little quieter this time, cautiously. The bedroom was still dark as the void, but Rus was ready for it, switching on a small battery powered lantern. Electricity was finicky in Underfell and he’d be damned if he was doing this in the dark.

Without the distraction of thinking Edge was dying, Rus was able to get a better look at the room. No race car bed here, only a utilitarian headboard and mattress. There was a bookshelf in a corner crammed with tattered volumes. The sight gave him a pang of guilt even through the blearing rise of desire. They had plenty of books, and Blue would be happy to loan them, but of course the Edgelord wouldn’t ask. Another task to assign to his little brother. Operation ‘Use The Library, Asshole’ to go along with the leftovers.

Enough poking around, (heh), time for the main course. He was as ready as he was ever going to be. Edge was curled up in the middle of the mattress beneath a blanket, looking sweaty and miserable. He was twitching, little helpless jerks, and his face was tight and pained. It made an honest pang of sympathy flash through him, come on, hadn’t life already dealt the residence of Underfell a bad hand and now there was this cherry added on top of a shit sundae.

Rus set his bag by the side of the bed. The clunk it made was soft, but Edge lurched up, a half-formed attack already in his hand. His eye lights were unevenly lit, disturbingly wide and Rus wondered how well he could even see. Well enough to scramble away when he realized who was there and Rus could only watch, torn between frustration and sympathy. Somehow that was worse, to see Edge fleeing from him.

Reddish sweat was dripping from Edge’s bones and that heavy, musty smell was overpowering, enticing. Rus already felt a little hazy, his own magic damp and soft between his legs.

Edge was still looking at him almost fearfully and Rus held out his empty hands, keeping carefully still. "it’s okay, kid."

“Don’t call me that!” Edge hissed. Even in the dim yellow light of the electric lamp, there were darkened shadows visible beneath his sockets, his magic shining hotly in his joints; he looked like he’d gone through hell in the few hours Rus had been gone. From the way Undyne and Red had described it, maybe he had.

His own magic was warming, too, reluctant anticipation combined with that mouthwateringly intense aroma. "sorry, habit. you're the same age as my bro.”

"And he isn’t a child either!"

"nope, but until you're older than me, i reserve the right to call you kid,” Rus took a careful step closer and Edge flinched back, cringing into the wall. “look, i know what's wrong, i'm here to help."

Edge's eye lights were burning coals of red and they didn’t seem able to be still, drifting over Rus only to jerk back up to meet his own.  "Get the fuck out."

"ain't gonna happen, may as well give in gracefully." Hopefully more gracefully than he had, Rus thought ruefully. He took another step closer.

There was nowhere for Edge to escape, he was tucked into a corner. He was shaking, tremors wracking him, "I won't...get...get out…"

“it’s okay,” Rus soothed, reaching out but not touching, not yet. Edge shook his head wildly, droplets of sweat flying.

Red had been wrong, Edge had a little no left in him. What kind of flipside shittwist was this that Rus was trying to seduce the one in heat? How did he get stuck with the one asshole so uptight he couldn’t let go even when biology demanded it? Okay, time to turn this up, they didn’t have all fucking day.

"besides, you already marked me, didn't ya?" Rus pulled the front of his tank top to the side, the strap falling off his shoulder, and Edge's eye lights followed it, staring at the clotted bite mark. Rus stroked a thumb over it, deliberately, and a low sound rose in Edge’s throat. "i'm here and i'm offering, you hear me? i’m saying yes. it's okay, sweetheart, i promise."

“don’t call me that, either,” Edge whimpered, fucking whimpered, and he curled up a little into himself, but he never looked away from that mark.

“pick a pet name and i’ll run with it,” Rus told him. He put a knee on the mattress, breathed in that sharp, ripe smell and leaned in to let Edge get a good look at him, at the bite. “anyway, as it’s been pointed out to me, i’ve already fucked my way thru half of underswap. if you’ve had a hundred dicks, may as well go for a hundred and one."

There was no time to react as a hand flashed out and grabbed his shirt, yanking him into the bed. Rus followed it, staggering, let Edge push him into the sweat-stained blankets. In an instant, Edge was looming over him, settling between his legs, and hot jealousy was visible in his eye lights.

Ah. Well, that was one way of getting it done. Rus winced as he heard tearing fabric, doubly grateful he'd stripped off his sweatshirt downstairs. It was one of his favorites. He kept himself relaxed as Edge scrabbled at his pants, lifting his hips as he tugged them down. His cunt was already formed, the magic glowing softly in the darkened room, and the insides of his femurs were already stained with wetness.  

It left him in nothing but the shredded remains of his tank top, Edge already mostly bare against him, his bones achingly hot to the touch as Rus caught hold of his shoulders. He braced himself on his arms over Rus, glaring down at him. Almost, Rus expected another round of protests, a few ‘get the fuck out’s’ thrown in for good measure. He startled when Edge ducked his head instead to fit his teeth against the mark on his collarbone. Rus braced himself for pain but there was nothing, only frantic gusts of breath against him, his tongue pressing hotly against it and a groan muffled into bone.

Even a virgin would have understood the implications of the hard, hot length pressed firmly against his pelvis and Rus hadn’t been able to claim that title in years.

“c'mon," Rus whispered. He lifted his hips, rubbing deliberately against him, encouragingly, "you don't have to wait anymore. i can take it, come on."

"I'll hurt you." It was a groan, a plea, revealing the barest thread of control and all Rus wanted was for it to fucking break.

"By fucking me?" he scoffed. He shifted, worming a hand down between his legs and pressed two fingers inside his cunt. The sound of it was wet and obscene. He'd stopped by home and done a little prep work when he'd gotten supplies, made sure he was worked up, and with those pheromones doing their job, he was more than ready for this.

"hear that?" He pulled his fingers out with a deliberate slick sound, wagging the orange-tinted digits in front of Edge's sockets. "i'm wet for you, i'm ready, come on!"

He had to bite back a yelp as Edge caught him by the wrist, yanking his hand up and sucking on those wet fingers. His tongue wrapped around them, wriggling against his knuckles, lapping it up. Edge was groaning, and he could feel the vibration of it, all fucking hell.

"edge, c'mon," Rus moaned. He spread his legs wide, lifting his hips, his cunt felt achingly empty, he was ready, damn it, more than ready, he needed this, he needed Edge inside him and he needed it now.

Edge still had him by the wrist, forcing it back against the bed and any thought of protest fled when Rus felt the tip of his cock press against him, slicking through his folds. He tried to encourage him, wrapped a leg around his hips and tried to pull him in.

"yeah, that's it, baby, that's it,” Rus murmured, “come on, push in, get in me deep, make me feel it, make me taste it."

"Shut up," Edge growled and Rus had to laugh.

"yeah, good luck with that...fu--uck!!"

His voice broke as Edge shoved in hard, left him choking on his words because fuck, Edge was not a small boy, not even a (heh) little. He was still going slower than Rus would have expected, trying to be gentle, but fuck that. He hadn’t died from fucking yet and now seemed like an excellent opportunity to put that to the test. He wrapped both legs around Edge’s hips and arched up, dragging him in hard despite Edge’s startled yelp. Until he could feel the scrape of his pelvis against his public symphysis and Rus could only blink up at the wavering shadows on the ceiling, gasping as he strained for more.

"oh, that's deep, that's so fucking deep, oh, baby, yeah, that's it, come on, fuck me deeper—"

He wasn’t moving, all fucking hells. Edge was breathing heavily, his shoulders heaving, and his cock was so deep inside him, stretching him, spitting him on the length, but he wasn’t moving, only staring down at Rus with those too-wide eye lights. Nothing but unsatisfying little shifts of his hips, tiny unconscious movements. Rus tried to twist his wrist free, could feel bruises rising from Edge's grip. By all the little angels, he couldn't remember ever wanted to get fucked so badly, to feel a hot, hard cock driving into him, how was it Edge had enough control left to keep still?

He gave Edge a glittery, heated look, running his tongue over his teeth. "still think you’re gonna hurt me?"

"I won’t.” Ragged and lost as it was, it sounded like a promise.

But not one that Rus particularly needed. The burn of desire was growing painful, "S'ok, you can hurt me a little, i don't mind...ah! oh, stars, oh, fuck, edge!"

The first real thrust took him off guard, Edge pulling out until only the tip was left inside him and then driving back in, a long, inexorable movement that sent sparks flying up his spine. It hit him too fast, too much, and frantically, Rus reached between them and thumbed his clit, coming hard, arching up and low cries choking out of him. Fuck, he’d never come that quickly before and when he came back, he blinked up dazedly to find Edge watching, his eye lights hot.

“your turn,” Rus rasped out and Edge nodded slightly, his hips rocking, and now they were getting somewhere. His rhythm was a little stilted, uncertain, nowhere near the wild, uncontrolled fucking that Rus had been expecting, but it seemed to be doing something for him. It was doing plenty for Rus, the girth of his cock was a delectable stretch and it didn’t take much wriggling to get a good angle. Rus lifted into each thrust the best he could, murmuring encouragements and running his hands over sweat-slick bones, teasing at sensitive cartilage and drawing out shivers and groans. Maybe neither of them had really wanted to go here, particularly with each other, but it might as well be good.

All that tight control, that care, was unraveling and those thrusts were getting harder, almost rough. One hand stayed on his wrist and the other was clutching his pelvis, sharp fingertips digging in with a hint of tantalizing threat. His thrusts were bordering on manic, and here it was, the wildness he’d been expecting, the desperation. Edge being so out of control was so wrong, but it was also fucking hot, and he was gasping, straining, chasing his need.

Rus felt it the moment he caught it, he could feel Edge's cock swelling inside him, that was something new, not painfully, but it stretched his walls, ratcheting him up to his limit before Edge choked, his breath hissing out through his teeth as a gush of hot come filled him. The feeling was enough to set Rus off, groaning as he came again.

He was still shaking with it, panting and trembling when Edge yanked himself free, fast enough to make him wince. “easy there, champ—" he began.

Only for his words to cut off with a startled whuff as he was flipped over on his front and dragged up to his knees, and before he could so much as yelp in surprised, Edge was inside him again, thrusting vigorously, the rough slide of his shaft filling him from a new angle, somehow even deeper.

Rus scrambled to brace himself before he faceplanted into the mattress, groaning out, “fuck!”

Immediately, Edge stilled, shaking hard enough to rattle against Rus, his hands painfully tight at Rus’s pelvis, keeping him from moving, “Are you all right?”

“don’t stop!” Rus snapped. He fought against that grip, trying to force Edge into him again but he was too strong, and he could only writhe in helpless frustration. “fuck me! come on!”

It was enough. Rus braced himself as best he could, hanging on as Edge let the hunger overwhelm him again, following his need and that was perfect, that was what Rus wanted, what he needed, this glorious fucking.

Rus lost count of how many times he came; his thoughts were hazed by either the cloud of pheromones or his constant state of near orgasm. It seemed like Edge’s cock never left him. He’d be on his knees then suddenly pulled up to sit astride his lap, only to find himself on his back, his legs drawn up over Edge’s shoulders. There was no reality past the delicious pleasure in his swimming consciousness, the hot flood of come filling him again and again, and he couldn’t say where his moans began and Edge’s ended.

By the end, his head was starting to clear, exhaustion finally overtaking desire. All but collapsed on his back, with his legs sprawled apart and above him, Edge couldn’t even hold himself up, all his weight pushing Rus into the bed as his hips moved weakly.

There were tears rimming his sockets, his expression startlingly vulnerable as Edge struggled over him, still trying to thrust, achingly hard and moving in the growing soreness of Rus’s cunt.

"I can't…" Edge gasped wetly. Every sound he made was closer to a whimper, his bones felt hot, overstimulated.

"yeah, you can," Rus crooned, tenderness welling up in him. Tired as he was, he hitched up into Edge’s weak movements encouragingly. "i've got you. one more time, yeah? one more time for realsies, i promise, you can do it, come inside me, i'm drenched with your come, get me wetter, get your come in me. "

It was enough. There was hardly more than a tremor to mark it, but wet as he was, he felt that bare spurt of come inside him. Rus petted his skull as Edge sagged down on him. Too heavy, but for the moment at least his weight was comforting. “there you go, love, you did it, you did real good.” 

Pointless. Edge’s breathing was evening out, Rus’s prediction that this would be the last time coming gratefully true. Before he could drop off entirely, Rus managed to push him off, at least enough so that he could damn well breathe. Not enough to get Edge to let him go, but that was all right. A couple of possessive hands were easier to manage than the entire weight of another Monster.

Now that thinking was becoming possible again, Rus took a second to regroup. From the sticky, damp feeling of the sheets he was thinking it would probably be easier to burn the damn things than to wash them, but at least they’d contained the damage to the bed. Besides, it wasn’t like Rus was going to be doing any cleaning aside from himself because he sure as fuck wasn’t shortcutting anywhere without a shower.

He sincerely doubted anyone was going to give him a medal for this, but he deserved at least a first shot at the hot water. He felt like he had come in every crevice and joint, and when he was less tired, it was going to be pretty disgusting.

Edge shifted a little against him, settling his skull on Rus’s ribcage. He looked as exhausted as Rus felt, especially with the hours he’d spent in heat beforehand tacked on. Sleep made him look younger than his normal scowl allowed, and reluctant tenderness rose in Rus again. Edge had more than enough years on him to be considered an adult, but he wasn’t exactly a grizzled old elder either. If this was his first time, he’d just gotten one hell of an introduction.

With the tips of his fingers, Rus managed to snag the strap of the bag he’d brought, fishing out a bottle of water and downing it greedily. That helped right there. He’d pour one down the Edgelord when he woke up. He couldn’t help giving the bag a longing look, though, he’d dust someone’s mother for a cigarette right now. Maybe Edge wouldn’t notice--

Rus grimaced. No. He wasn’t up for much if he accidentally woke Edge up and he decided it was time for round fifty, or wherever the fuck they’d ended. He kept hold of a bottle of water, though. If Red peeked in on them, he was going to nail the little fucker right between the eyes.

Edge was still clinging to him like an oversized skeletal teddy bear and that was fine, he hadn’t been planning on leaving yet, anyway. The last thing he wanted was to go through all this only to have Edge dust because Rus hadn't waited long enough for his pheromones to settle or for him to give him another love bite or whatever else was supposed to happen. Probably should have flipped to the ending of Undyne’s book and checked for spoilers, little late to worry about that now.  

At least the major perk of having sexy bits that were magic was once they were gone, you didn’t have to feel them anymore. He was still sore as all fuck, felt like his hips were unstrung, but the dull ache in his cunt was gone with nothing more than a little concentration.

The blanket hadn’t escaped the carnage, as damp as the sheets. Rus managed to hook a finger in the corner and flip it over them anyway, since it was starting to look like Edge wasn't letting go. Eh, that was all right. He'd stay a little while, just to make sure he was okay. Hopefully he wouldn’t be too shouty when he woke up. It hadn’t gone bad, as far as Rus was concerned; no one had dusted, free orgasms all the way around, and once Rus’d had a couple of days to stop walking like a drunken pirate, they could both toss this particular event into a mental suitcase and bury it beneath a fucking tree, never to be discussed again.

It had worked out and Rus was going to count his fucking blessings. Someone needed to and somehow, he doubted Edge was going to be writing him an effusive thank you note.

More’s the pity.

tbc

[the-walking-memelords]

Allegiances: Chapter 4

Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 5

Series is rated M

Word Count: 2178

The group tries to recover in the wake of the previous night's revelation and the early morning's meeting.

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The ten of them gathered in the library the next morning. Shelves of mold ridden books lined the room. The group gathered at the center table, tension filling the air as Violet started the meeting.

“Okay. We all know why we’re here.” Dark circles hung under the pale girl’s eyes. It was clear that no sleep came to her last night.

“Marlon is a lying bastard and a murderer. Even if he didn’t kill Minnie and Sophie himself, he sent them away to be as good as dead.”

“He has to go.”

“You can’t really mean that, Vi.” Louis pleaded.

“He’ll die out there!”

“I don’t give a shit.” She slammed her fist against the desk.

“Sending him out there on his own is more of a mercy than he showed the twins. You can’t actually say you still trust him after what he did.”

“It could have been me, Lou.”

“I-I know, Vi, I know.” Louis bit down on his bottom lip. Clementine tried to read what his decision would be. Though the way he scrunched his face told her he wasn’t sure himself.

“It’s not like he wanted to give them up! We were cornered! Those bastards could have taken us all if they wanted!” Brody pleaded with the blonde, who showed no mercy.

“Bold talk from someone who’s on thin fucking ice herself.” She spat.

“Pretty curious he didn’t give you up, too. Any reason for that? Why would he risk keeping someone who might -and did- tell on him?”

Brody dug her nails into her arms.

“Do you think he regrets it?”

“Back off, Vi. You had your say.” Mitch chewed the nail on his thumb.

“Let’s just calm down for a second, everyone.” Ruby stepped in.

“We all say our piece, then we vote.”

“You know where I stand.” Violet stepped back.

“Tennesee.” Ruby spoke softly.

“Your vote probably counts the most. So, what do you think.”

All eyes were on the nervous child.

“I…” He began.

“I think Marlon should stay.”

“Tenn.”

“No, Vi. You don’t get it.” He looked at her.

“He didn’t do it to hurt them. It was a problem with no right answer. Marlon thought that he was at least saving somebody.”

Violet looked at him in shock.

“The fact that he lied about it was bad, but… he thought he was protecting us.”

“Marlon should have given himself up.” Clementine spoke up, directing the attention to her.

“That’s what a real leader would have done. Sophie and Minerva had family here they needed to come home to. They were the ones who needed to be protected the most.”

Tennessee fell silent for a moment.

“He stays, that's my vote.”

“Alright, Tenn.” Ruby said

“I also think Marlon should stay.” Tenn smiled at her.

“We all know he ain’t a bad person at heart, just… maybe he shouldn’t be callin’ the shots anymore.”

“I agree.” Aasim sided with Ruby.

“I’m tired of this Safe Zone thing cutting into our food supply.”

“I think so too.” Omar agreed.

“It would be nice getting to cook an actual meal for you guys instead of the scraps the hunting grounds produce. He stays, but he ain’t in charge.”

Mitch was the next to speak up.

“He tried to kill Brody and Clem. I don’t think we can trust him anymore. He goes.”

“I’m with Mitch.” was all Willy had to say.

Brody continued to hold her arms tightly crossed.

“Marlon should stay. I’ve made up my mind.” The look in her eyes caused no one to challenge her.

“I guess you’re up next, Clem.”

Clementine was actually conflicted on whether or not she wanted Marlon gone. The vote could still go either way. If they voted to cut him loose, tracking him through the woods would be easy enough assuming he doesn’t get himself killed before nightfall.

Their leader would be a nice contribution before I can get the rest.

It was a bit of a risk, but this mission would likely end in a standoff. The last thing they needed was another opponent. Maybe handing him over early would buy her and AJ some time.

“Marlon leaves.” Her vote bringing the score to 4:5.

The attention was drawn to Louis. He hadn’t officially voted yet, though it would be no surprise what he would choose. If for some reason he chose to kick him out, the tied vote would cause more issues.

“I… I…” Louis’ eyes fell on Clem.

“I’m sorry, Clementine.”

Why is he apologizing to me?

“He… He’s my best friend. He has to stay.” His shoulders fell in defeat as if he had just fought a battle within himself.

Figured.

“I guess that settles it then.” Violet went along begrudgingly.

“Marlon stays.”

---

Even after given freedom, Marlon seemed to rather spend the day locked away in one of the empty dorm rooms. Now that Violet was deemed their new leader, she was busy looking over a map with Aasim, planning their next hunt with a new perimeter. The others tried to resume business as usual, but how could they when their community was just flipped on its head. People seemed to be keeping to themselves and their own emotions. A slight tension between opposing voters keeping everyone on their toes.

Clementine wandered the school aimlessly, mapping out the halls in the back of her mind as she tried not to get herself lost in the identical rows of classrooms. She felt like she had to be doing something, but no specific task could come to her. She supposed Violet would have something for her to do, but the emotional force that kept the others apart seemed to touch her as well. She walked for hours, exploring every graffiti-ridden room until the repetition bored her. Eventually, she managed to wander her way back to the music room.

The afternoon sun shone on the worn piano, left unattended to her mild disappointment. She wondered how Louis was handling this whole mess. His best friend was just revealed as a traitor, and now some of their friends were turning against him.

It’s not my problem.

Clem tried to convince herself, but she couldn't help thinking about it. She took a deep breath, giving in to her nervous habit again and scratching her fingers through her curls. She forced herself to back away from the room, entering the courtyard in search of a task to keep her mind away from things.

“Violet.” she spoke to the girl who seemed lost in thought, staring into the ashes of last night’s campfire.

“Vi?” The second time seemed to bring her back to earth.

“Uh, yeah. Sorry.” She stood from her seat.

“What’s up?”

“I wanted to know if there was anything you needed me to do.” She watched their frazzled newly-deemed leader scour over her map for any leftover tasks.

“Mitch and Aasim came back from their hunting trip a half hour ago. Ruby managed to convince Brody to go out and repair the fish traps with her, they’ve been back for a while… and you’re already scheduled for watch after dinner…” She shook the map in her hands as if the action might reveal something new.

“I guess there’s always perimeter but that's kinda dangerous and kinda pointless.”

“Are you alright?” The heavy fog that laid over the school seemed to cloud her head the most.

“Yeah. I… I’m okay.” She let out a heavy sigh.

“I just wanted to say thank you for this morning, for sticking by me.”

Violet drooped her head, her side-swept bangs concealing her eyes.

“To be honest I wasn’t sure if you were still here. No one’s seen you all day since the vote and with the decision… I was worried you might have taken off.” She folded the map back into her pocket.

The comment stung a little but she would never admit it.

“Sorry about that, I was just taking some time to think.” She kicked herself for being absent.

“I think we all just need time to think.” Violet let out a weak laugh.

“God, what’s happened here.”

Vi slumped back into her chair, Clementine taking a seat next to her.

“I can’t stop thinking about Marlon. What he did to Min and Soph. I don’t think I can ever forgive him.” An almost dazed smile crossed her face.

“But I keep imagining what it would have been like if they had come back that day, instead of him and Brody. They wouldn’t have lied about it. Minnie told me everything.”

Clementine listened in silence as Violet unburdened her heart to her.

“But then Louis’s best friend would be gone forever, not to mention Brody. God, I’ve been such a bitch to her.” Clementine could tell this was the overflow of a long time bottling up her troubles.

“Louis was there for me and Tennessee more than anyone else after they ‘died’. And I sat in that room, right in front of him, trying to convince the others that Marlon was better off dead than anywhere near here. Then, just, fuck. The shit I said to Brody. I can’t forgive her either but fuck, she didn’t deserve that.” Violet’s voice broke, her throat on the edge of a sob.

Clem opened her mouth but was unable to find any words.

“The king has fallen! Bow before your new queen!”

The words from that first card game the night she came here echoed in her head.

She wondered if they echoed in hers too.

“I’m sorry for laying that all on you. I just had to get it out, y’know?” She tried to shrug off her emotions.

“I’m good. I’m good.”

“It’s alright, we’re... friends, right?” The words fell easier off her tongue than she thought they would.

“Yeah, I guess we are.” She smiled

“Can you go see if Louis is okay? I don’t think we’re ready to talk to each other after this morning.”

“Where is he?” He wasn’t in the music room, nor was he anywhere in the school during her exploration.

“I think he’s still sitting outside of Marlon’s dorm.”

---

Faint whispering could be heard through the empty hall as Clementine turned the corner. Louis sat with his legs crossed and his back leaning against one of the door’s aligning the walls. He didn’t notice her. Through the dreadlocks that hung over his face, Clem could discern the slight movement of his lips. As she got closer she could make out the details of a baseball game he was retelling.

“Louis?” He jumped at hearing his name, so lost in his story he hadn't heard her approach.

“Are you okay?”

“So you are still around. Violet was worried.” He dodged her question.

“I talked to Violet already.” She looked at the locked door behind him.

“Has he said anything?”

“Nothing other than basically telling me to fuck off a few times, but when have I ever done what I’m told? Right, Marlon?” He elbowed the door, eliciting no response.

His smile was forced and dropped as quickly as it appeared. He leaned his head back with a thump, looking away from Clem.

“He just needs time. Everyone does. I can’t lie, things are never going to go back to the way they were but that doesn’t mean it won't get better.” God, she was starting to sound like Louis herself.

“A sudden optimist, I guess my stunning demeanour rubbed off on you.” She kicked his leg lightly at that comment.

“Don’t push your luck.” His smile was sad but real this time.

“I’m sorry.” Her apology surprised him.

“I guess I got a little carried away this morning.”

“No. You have the right to speak your mind around here.” His eyes fell to the purple mark on her face.

“How’s your eye?”

She leaned against the wall but stayed on her feet.

“Better, it only stings if I touch it.”

“I’m fine.” She said slightly louder, hoping her voice would fall on the ears of the boy inside the dorm.

“So what do we do now?” His voice fell into his serious tone. She seemed to be hearing it a lot more lately.

“We push on. We fight on. We look forward, never back.” She quoted the words of a man who lived at the McCarroll ranch. The words of Ol’ Richard often ran on repeat inside her mind when the talons of her horrid memories threatened to slice her to shreds.

“Wise words.” He chuckled.

“Indeed they are.”

“I’m not leaving until he talks to me so you might as well go on.” His head drooped once more, dreads hiding the emotions on his face.

“I’ll talk to you later then, Louis.” She decided to leave him be. Her words from before reverberated inside her skull as she made her way towards the light outside.

We push on. We fight on. We look forward, never back.

We push on. We fight on. We look forward, never back.

We push on. We fight on. We look forward, never back.

[ask-shakespearehigh]

Q&A post with the Mods!!!!

This is going to be a long one oh boy

How strict is the delineation of creative control vis-a-vis characters/plays between the mods? (@pedanticlecturer)

We generally have the plays split up along lines of “what we know”— we have a list at the very beginning of the blog. Sometimes we’ll draw the others’ characters (mostly me drawing some of Star’s…) but even then the final say on characterization is up to the “main” mod for that play — mod aster

what aster said -- mod star

What is your favorite play? What is your favorite character in terms of how they were written in the source material? (@pedanticlecturer)

I think my favorite play overall is Macbeth, just because I like the vibes (and the fact that I too could kill Macbeth), the fact that you don’t say it’s name in theatres, and the fact that it’s a play I did a full read through and analysis of in class. Favorite character? Puck from Midsummer. — mod aster

uhhhh,, hmm. ive always had a soft spot for midsummer since i saw it with aster esp bc of how fun the costumes were. of the comedies it has the largest potential to be the most visually pleasing bc of the concept of fairies,,,and im gay and dramatic so i love that. id die if i got to costume design for midsummer,,,or be in it,,,yeah. fav character. hmm. probably mercutio?? i recently saw a version of romeo and juliet where mercutio was played by a woman and oh my god it was amazing!!! not to mention mercutio’s portrayal in baz luhrmann's INCREDIBLE version of r n j!!! (I based my mercutio design on him) he just spends the entire time making dick jokes. love that. -- mod star

How do you answer asks so fast? I mean it's great but I'm impressed 😂 (Anon)

Personally, it’s a mix of: notifications on, quick drawing speed, and using the blog to avoid my class work — mod aster

aster is fast and (as you can see from all of my answers) im lazey -- mod star

Are there any elements/characters of the plays you're covering that you would have liked to work into this blog's plot, but couldn't due to the constraints of the setting or the synthetic nature of the blog? (@pedanticlecturer)

I wanted to make everyone gay but unfortunately due to plot constraints we have to have some hets but that wont stop me from making it lgbt as possible. -- mod star

I did want to make The Tempest more of a central play, but it just didn’t translate well. Similarly, other supernatural elements like the witches in Macbeth. This isn’t so much a constraint mentioned, but my own time/energy means that I want to show the Macbeth backstory, in a specific format, but I can’t right now— mod aster

Is there a hierarchy of import when it comes to each play's individualized impact on shakespeare high's general arc? If so, what plays are crucial to the foundation of the story? Which ones did you do mostly for shits and giggles? (@pedanticlecturer)

This is phrased like an ACT question and i might not answer it right so sorry in advance but: mod aster and i only selected a few plays for each of us to do given we dont know all of shakespeare’s works, but we tend to put more emphasis on the the more well known. But it also comes down to 1. How much we have plotted out for each play and 2. What the followers ask about most. Our two most popular are hamlet and macbeth bc people are familiar w those but around march caesar always becomes relevant again. I didnt even have designs for some of the characters until someone asked about them. -- mod star

I would say the same as star— it generally comes down to what people ask about. I will say that the overall plot is sort of separated into “has happened” and “is happening”. Like, the human potion of Midsummer, Julius Caesar, and Macbeth are all in the “aftermath” portion, while Twelfth Night, Hamlet, and Romeo and Juliet, among others, are happening. We’re trying to incorporate as much as we can, and I don’t think any of them were really put in without some thought.— mod aster

What personal significance does shakespeare hold in ur guys' lives? (@pedanticlecturer)

I go to a theater school rn and so ive dealt w shakespeare (although not all of them) it also helps that i was in loves labours lost last year as moth and that i read hamlet and r n j. Theres also a theater in my state that always does One Big Shakespeare per season and they always do them super well!!! My love for shakespeare probably started w seeing midsummer at that theater w mod aster!!! So. Theater kid rights!! -- mod star

To be honest, I got back into Shakespeare Because of the blog. I’ve been friends with some people that got really Pretentious about Shakespeare, and it kinda put me off of it. I did have a book of abridged plays (the plays’ plots written out in prose, basically) that I read as a kid, which is what got me into not only the plots of a lot of the plays, but also the idea of having them illustrated. And, same as star, the theater in state does the One Big Shakespeare— and they tend to do some really cool things with the costumes, setting them in diff time periods. I haven’t been able to see any lately since I’ve moved, but they still slap. — mod aster

🥰😘💙🥰🥰💜💟🥰I 😍💗💚😍😍LOVE🖤🖤 YALL ♥️♥️🧡💛💚💝❣️💕💘💖💗💓💞💝❤️💛💜 okay now i have a question i swear— how long have the two of you been doing art??? and what were your first shakespeare plays??? (@hellaghosts)

Uhh i started drawing when i was like idk 12 and i have the giant boxes of sketchbooks to prove it!!! I moved to digital art at abt 14-15 but mostly stayed traditional until this yr when i got a Neat New Tablet so some of my sketchbooks are sitting abandoned rip. My first shakespeare was either romeo and juliet or midsummer nights dream and i love both of them v much!!! I have a very old piece of art that i did for r n j for my freshman class assignment on it and it hasnt aged well alsdjfjafd circa 2016 i think??? -- mod star

Oh man. I started drawing when I was about 10, but it was Bad. I don’t think I got much into drawing again until I was about 14? Sometime around the end of middle school/beginning of high school. I would say I started getting into drawing as more than doodling/coloring edits sometime around 2015-16? I would draw on my iPad with my finger, then I got a tablet for my computer, and now I pretty much stick to my iPad with an Apple Pencil. My first Shakespeare play was….. uh…… probably Midsummer???? I have No idea. We would go to plays when I was little, so I honestly don’t remember if I saw others before. It may have been Romeo and Juliet— I had that book where it was the original and the “modernized” with the little dog that explained things— which, if you know it makes sense, but if you don’t is probably a bonkers answer. — mod aster

Do you think this blog has like? An overarching thesis (be it b/c intentionally or simply b/c ur own take on the world has bled thru to the point where u believe it’s central to the piece at this point)? (@pedanticlecturer)

Not gonna lie, I had to read that like three times AND dm you to figure out what you were asking from us and all I have is “be gay, respect women, write your own happy endings”. — mod aster

This blog started with an ides of march shitpost and you think we have enough brain energy to write a whole thesis? I projected feelings of found family onto my half of the blog but idk if that counts. Be gay do crime 420 69 -- mod star

What’s the nature/rough dynamic of ur relationship? How do y’all know each other? (@pedanticlecturer)

Met mod aster when i was like 4 and even tho we didnt live close we became like, best friends although the Best part didnt start until we were like 13-ish and eventually we talked like non stop (about anime and homestuck. Yknow. 13 year old kid things) and we didnt see each other a lot bc of Distance and now its even worse bc aster is in colleg.,e but we consider each other siblings regardless of family bc we’re adopted into our own respective families so that bled over into our friendship and it would feel weird calling him anything other than my brother now. We’ve seen each other at our best and worst and if you really want a good insight on what we’re like as siblings watch griffin and justin mcelroy’s overview video of catlateral damage wherein i am griffin and he is the long suffering justin. -- mod star

Star is basically my long distance sibling and functionally the only cousin I recognize bc like their parents are basically an aunt and uncle and like our dads look enough alike that we’ve both accidentally gotten the wrong dad for a hug or similar so like. Anyways yeah Star is the Griffin to my Justin, complete with our absent middle brother who we love dearly— mod aster

Dubiously relevant q but what kind of music do y’all listen to when u do art (if that is indeed a habit either of u partake in) (@pedanticlecturer)

It can depend on the piece? I was working on some (unrelated) oc prints that were song-focused, and for those I just listened to said song on loop. Sometimes I have playlists. Sometimes I’ll just be in a Mood and throw a song on loop. But a lot of time for the blog, I’ll listen to The Adventure Zone for the billionth time, because I have Too Much Attention. I’ve also, on request from Star, linked the most recent “loop song”.— mod aster

I tend to obsess over the same like 3 songs every few weeks so those get listened to on repeat but it also depends on the tone of what im drawing or who im drawing i might genre switch bc of that. If im drawing ophelia i stick to lana del rey and if im drawing hamlet its the neighborhood, horatio is sufjan stevens etc. i have categorized,. Most of the characters i draw into different songs/genres/energies of music but not like i ever follow that. Sometimes i just pull up a really long nonsense video and forget to draw. Essentially: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ -- mod star

How’d y’all come up with ur pseudonyms? (@pedanticlecturer)

I love space so much and my main blog is starryeydsailor space gay rights!! Im also tiny and full of energy and bright so basically i;m star -- mod star

Uhhhh i was like “hey i want to do uhhhhhh flower?” And then I google searched flower names until I found one I liked —- mod aster

How did you end up deciding the rough timeline of events in canon? (@pedanticlecturer)

It’s mostly determined by like. How we choose per story? If that makes sense. Like, we just take story by story, and decide “is it happening, has it happened, and when?” And then we fit them together in relation to each other just by dint of. All existing at once. Like, I knew I wanted Macbeth to be in aftermath, because like, even though there’s no murder, the way I’ve translated it to the AU is still kinda heavy, and it’s something that I don’t know that I could do properly if it were happening right now. Also, it’s more interesting IMO to have them at different times. Tl;dr we wing it per story and slot them together— mod aster (mod star agrees I just can word better, in theory)

If you could tell the story of shakespeare high in a different format than an ask blog, would you? Obviously y'all are making very good use of the format, but would you want to write this as a animated series or like? a comic book? or is the form inseparable from the story? (@pedanticlecturer)

I kinda wanted to do a webcomic or maybe to plot develop through like, animatics but the element of surprise comes from the asks we get and really makes us think so the blog is a good start. We didnt think we’d get this far -- mod star

Pretty much what Star said— there are certain elements where it’d be neat to do as a comic or as an animatic. Like, the fantasy dream is like, an anthology webcomic of each story, where you can like, see other characters in the background and stuff. But to be honest, we develop a lot by what we’re asked— there was a post about developing worldbuilding by being asked questions and then pretending you’ve thought about the answer, and it’s not far off. Personally, it’s hard to just lay out a story, because I have a whole WORLD and what’s relevant? What are people interested in? It’s by getting questions that I can then focus in on an area to develop. And yeah, we Super didn’t think we’d get this far lmao — mod aster

Any headcanons about your characters that you don't think will ever come up on the blog through asks or plot posts? (@pedanticlecturer)

I could make a whole separate post for this!!!!! Mostly its voice headcanons (and by mostly i mean like 1 or 2) or relationship hcs!!!! -- mod star

Honestly same. I don’t think I have voice headcanons for mine, though I bet I could find some. I’ve got a bunch of miscellaneous headcanons that just kinda float around, but like they’re scattered, too numerous for this post, and also not always things I’m sure are canon yet.— mod aster

[frighthouseofalighthouse]

All weird asks!! They're so good!

Sorry this is a bit late, babe! I wanted to wait til I had the opportunity to answer all these uninterrupted!

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

Coffee mugs! tbh I drink tea out of coffee mugs because who actually uses teacups? I mean my grandma has tons and I would use them, but the handles are so tiny and I am v clumsy so it scares me.

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

Chocolate bars!!! I’m too impatient for lollipops and plus they always get coated in saliva which just...drips down my chin since my mouth is already full.

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

Bubblegum! I love cotton candy but I can only handle a bit at a time tbh. Also I haven’t had bubblegum in almost two years bc of braces and I miss it so much I can’t wait to have it again.

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

Okay, so even though I’ve always been homeschooled, when I was in elementary school we did this program with a ton of other homeschoolers where you could take actual classes and stuff. My teachers always said I was quiet and focused and studious, and you could always count on me to be lecturing everyone else on the instructions if they hadn’t been paying attention. (does any of that surprise anyone?)

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups? GLASS SODA BOTTLES. nothing beats soda that’s been bottled in glass rather than plastic. You ever had orange cream soda from a glass bottle????? SLAPS ASS MY DUDE.

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

Pastel/boho/preppy/goth, my dude. I have so many sides to my fashion and aesthetic.

7. earbuds or headphones?

EARBUDS BC HEADPHONES NEVER FIT OVER MY EARS RIGHT. BUT EARBUDS WITH SOFT TIPS BECAUSE MY EARS ARE TOO SMALL FOR THE PLASTIC ONES.

8. movies or tv shows?

Tv shows tbh because even though I can binge 4 eps of 45 minutes each per night, they’ll hold my attention a lot more than a movie. It’s weird.

9. favorite smell in the summer?

Thunderstorms/petrichor, also natural bogs. PEAT BOG SMELL FUCKING SLAPS.

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

None. I liked trampoline time back when we took gymnastics, if that counts. I also liked jump roping and Irish step dancing.

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

Nothing lmao. I sleep til like noon and then I microwave something for lunch.

12. name of your favorite playlist?

My catchall playlist, Things I Love, my summer playlist, Summer Songs, my Gryffindor playlist, My Queen And Country playlist for writing, and my playlist for The Raven Cycle. (after I post this I’ll edit it and link them)

13. lanyard or key ring?

Keyring, a lanyard would like constantly detract from my outfit if that makes sense???

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

Sour Patch Kids or Swedish Fish.

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

Between The Grapes Of Wrath, The Great Gatsby, The Handmaid’s Tale, and To Kill A Mockingbird!

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

Just fucking sprawled every which way.

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

My grey converse if it’s comfortable out, my silver flip flops if it’s hot, and my fur-lined black combat boots if it’s cold.

18. ideal weather?

65-70 degrees, partly sunny, breezy, not humid.

19. sleeping position?

I need to sprawl to fall asleep, but once I’m asleep I curl up into a little ball.

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

Laptop and notebook ONLY IF I’m sure of myself, which isn’t often. But I do write dense, scribbled paragraphs on sermon note pages if something comes to me during church lmao.

21. obsession from childhood?

The American Revolution, weather, astronomy, and mysteries/ghost stories.

22. role model?

Idk tbh? Lately I’m just trying to define and live up to my own standards?

23. strange habits?

Pulling the collar of my shirt up to my mouth and sucking on it. Also being a perfectionist in my writing. I don’t do messy drafts. It’s all perfect by the time I write it, and I edit/spellcheck as I go.

24. favorite crystal?

Amethyst (my birthstone), bismuth, opal, and blue goldstone.

25. first song you remember hearing?

Other than nursery rhymes/kid’s songs, it was Light Up The Sky by The Afters, or California Dreamin’ by The Mamas And The Papas.

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

Find shade/a cool spot and read with a cold drink.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

ALSO READ. And snuggle with thick socks and a cup of tea and play DS games all day.

28. five songs to describe you?

My five faves atm -

I Am Here // Pink

The Pines // Roses and Revolutions

Soldier, Poet, King // The Oh Hellos

Traveler’s Song // Aviators

Hymn // Kesha

29. best way to bond with you?

Share my interests about politics, history, books, true crime, paranormal, tv shows, and also be kind and understanding when I don’t text for long periods bc I don’t feel up to talking.

30. places that you find sacred?

The woods on the hill behind my house. Dense, deeply green, secluded woods. Hedge mazes. Old and crumbling castles. Anywhere beneath a clear sky and a full moon. Your heart when you’ve come to terms with your fears and made peace with yourself. Anyplace with historical significance. Bookstores on an autumn/winter day. Libraries.

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

A kickass plaid, bruh. Also my leather jacket - once I lose enough shoulder weight to fit in it again.

32. top five favorite vines?

Fre shavoc ado, the one where the dog eats the butterfly, the Lin-Manuel Miranda one where he’s brainstorming, “what the FUCK kind of weather is this, and the dad and son with the saxophone and the oven door.

33. most used phrase in your phone?

“oh mood”

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

“WOW! It’s NatureStone!”

35. average time you fall asleep?

Right now it’s 4-5 am because I suck.

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

I Can Haz Cheezburger, My mom used to look at the website with me when I was like 10.

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

They both have pros and cons. :/ Duffel bags are easier to carry but suitcases keep stuff from getting broken better.

38. lemonade or tea?

TEAAAAAAAAAAAA

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

Lemon meringue pie!!! my stepdad made a really good one the other week.

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

Nothing, since I was homeschooled. Same weird shit that always happens at home. Our safe word for when I got overwhelmed in math was “quokka” and we’d stop and look at cute quokka pictures.

41. last person you texted?

My gf :)

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

Jacket pockets because things are not only hard to fit in girls’ pants pockets, but if you put a chapstick/lipstick in there it starts to melt :(

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

BETWEEN HOODIE AND CARDIGAN. SO VERSATILE. SO COMFY.

44. favorite scent for soap?

Irish Spring soap or the blue Dial bars smells better and cleaner than anything to me.

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

Fantasy. It can take me a bit to get into it, but once I do, I love it. I only do sci-fi if it has rebellion and isn’t heavy on the sci. And superhero movies are great but a lot of the tropes are meh. Fantasy has a lot more versatility if you ask me.

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

Sweatpants/leggings and a soft, well worn tee.

47. favorite type of cheese?

Parmesan, white cheddar, or Muenster.

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

Raspberry!

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

“do no harm but take no shit.”

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

A really poorly edited political ad on tv a couple years ago. There was weird jazz playing, flames in the background of an image of the Capitol Building, and then the top of the dome opened and this guy’s face was inside. It is the single funniest ad I have ever seen and I laughed for 10 minutes so hard I was like an inch away from passing out.

51. current stresses?

Passing my driving test next month, getting a job, figuring out if my math skills are okay enough to take the SAT or an equivalent test.

52. favorite font?

Baskerville or Georgia!

53. what is the current state of your hands?

My fingernails are short bc I picked them while reading earlier, my cuticles suck bc I pick at those two, and my pinky is obliterated and scabbed because of when I accidentally sliced through the nail with a razor while shaving the other day. So, not great, but I’m living.

54. what did you learn from your first job?

That kids can be really annoying but also really cute and hilarious if you can get them to calm down. And also that baby fingernails are surprisingly sharp.

55. favorite fairy tale?

The OG Princess and the Frog where it’s implied the prince and “faithful Henry,’ his carriage driver, fall in love and ride off together at the end. JACOB AND WILHELM GRIMM SAID GAY RIGHTS.

56. favorite tradition?

Every December, my mom and I drive around after dark at night and I play Pokemon and we rate everyone’s Christmas decorations based on tackiness.

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

So isolated I was as a preteen/early teenager, my self harm, and the internalized anger over my abusive relationship and PTSD.

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

Writing, puzzle solving, singing, and calligraphy.

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

“Benvoli-no.” (I recently remembered I used to say that a lot and I need to bring it back)

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

Dark, fairy tale anime with a lot of secrets to uncover and some dark woods.

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

TV show - “I am the Bad Wolf. I create myself.” - Doctor Who

Movie - “It’s not about deserve. It’s about what you believe. And I believe in love.” - Wonder Woman

Book - “If you never saw the stars, candles were enough.” - The Dream Thieves, by Maggie Stiefvater

62. seven characters you relate to?

Dean Winchester - Supernatural

Sam Winchester - Supernatural

Jack Kline Winchester - Supernatural

Charlie Bradbury - Supernatural

Gansey - The Raven Cycle

Blue Sargent - The Raven Cycle

Hermione Granger - Harry Potter

63. five songs that would play in your club?

Final Song // MO

Call Home // Heathers

I Am Here // Pink

Babylon // 5 Seconds of Summer

Shake It Off // Taylor Swift

64. favorite website from your childhood?

WEBKINZ AND THE OLD AMERICAN GIRL WEBSITE

65. any permanent scars?

Yes, I have several that remain from self harm, scars all over my left knee from being a clumsy child, and most of all a major scar down the center of my chest from heart surgery when I was a baby.

66. favorite flower(s)?

Rose, lavender, lilac, and dahlia.

67. good luck charms?

Not really???

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

Olives, mushrooms, radishes, cottage cheese, and ranch dressing are all foul.

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

Martin Luther didn’t actually nail his 95 theses to the church door, he just kind of passed them around, which is a lot less dramatic tbh. Also light-up signs were first used in New York City in 1884.

70. left or right handed?

I’m left-handed!

71. least favorite pattern?

I think zebra stripes, leopard print, and houndstooth are super ugly.

72. worst subject?

Math for sure. Even science would be easier if it didn’t involve so much math.

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

Wendy’s fries and chocolate frosty!!!

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

I think a 7, usually. My pain tolerance is pretty high because of a) years of self harm, and b) due to my PTSD my muscles are constantly tense and in pain anyway.

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

I was 4, and it had been loose but it fell out when I was trying to blow up an inflatable ball.

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

Fries or roasted potatoes that are charred and crunchy on the bottom. Chips are a close third.

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

Idk, my grandma’s the one with the green thumb mania lmao. But She keeps a lot of violets and arrowhead plants in the windowsills!

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

NEITHER I HATE BOTH COFFEE AND SUSHI IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES.

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

Never had a school ID, but my temporary license photo is actually pretty good right now!

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

I really like earth tones for myself.

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

THEY ARE THE SAME MF THING. Also I call them both, it just depends on what comes out of my mouth haha.

82. pc or console?

PC, I guess, though I don’t really game. I just watch my stepdad game.

83. writing or drawing?

WRITING. I cannot draw to save my life.

84. podcasts or talk radio?

Podcasts, talk radio is so annoying.

84. barbie or polly pocket?

Barbie, although I loved both.

85. fairy tales or mythology?

Mythology I guess??? Although again, I love both.

86. cookies or cupcakes?

COOKIESSSSS

87. your greatest fear?

Rejection, losing people I love, people secretly hating me. Also drowning, spiders, clowns, and guns.

88. your greatest wish?

To be a semi-successful author and work in a library/museum.

89. who would you put before everyone else?

My mom and my gf.

90. luckiest mistake?

Almost dropping a knife blade first on my foot but it landed between my toes.

91. boxes or bags?

um boxes I guess? I’m really good at fitting things in tetris style.

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

FAIRY LIGHTS AND DIM YELLOW LAMPS.

93. nicknames?

Ell, Alexander, Ellie, Little Lion, and Nerd.

94. favorite season?

FALL FALL FALL FALL

95. favorite app on your phone?

Tumblr or Spotify. Two apps I couldn’t live without.

96. desktop background?

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

About a half dozen. Mine, my mom’s, my stepdad’s, my grandparents’ home number, my grandpa’s, and my grandma’s.

98. favorite historical era?

Both the American Revolutionary period and the Victorian Era (esp in Britain)

THANK YOU LOVE THIS WAS SUPER FUN

[loveraids]

advice for incoming freshmen

hey guys! here’s a list of some tips i made for incoming freshmen. i thought i’d share some advice/knowledge i’ve accumulated over the years too. everything’s under the cut. if you have any questions/concerns, feel free to message me! ☀️ (tw: long post)

1. one of the biggest fears many people have entering high school is not making friends. however, there are MANY opportunities where you can make friends! besides being friendly with who you sit with in class, try joining a sport, club, extra curricular, etc. i’m not saying making friends is the easiest thing in the world- i still struggle with it today. but don’t put yourself down if you’re not immediately friends with everyone in the school in the first week- it’ll take some time to develop. remember that everyone else is just as scared as you are, and they aren’t gonna come out of their shells until you do as well.

2. depending on your school, they may start throwing college shit at u on day one (although unlikely). no matter what, don’t stress right now!! the college process really doesn’t begin until the weeks leading up to the summer of junior year. you have time!! it’s ok to not know what you want to do. college has an “undecided” major for a reason.

3. V O L U N T E E R. i cannot stress this enough. it has soso many benefits and freshman year will most likely be the most time-free year you have. find a position at your local zoo, library, camp, hospital, etc. it’s a great resume booster and can aid you in the college application process (additionally, if you have an honors society that requires volunteer hours, you’ll need them anyways). also, you get to help people !

4. freshman year is going to teach you what real high school work is. you may struggle, and it’s ok! i was one of the “bright” kids that had their grades drop once i entered high school, and yeah, it did a lot to my self esteem. but throughout the years i picked myself up- i embraced help from my peers/teachers, i figured out what method of studying works best (pro tip: studying for math? look over the basic rules and do thousands of practice problems. science that isn’t math based? quizlet and khan academy. history? quizlet.), i learned that it’s OK to get a grade under a 90/A-. it’s going to seem tough at first, but just remember that you’re adjusting to a completely new environment and work ethic. you will get through it!! please shoot me an ask if you ever need help i’ll always answer. (edit: also do ur homework!!! it could be the difference between a B+ and an A-.)

5. imagine the crustiest person in your grade right now. now imagine them trying to hit on a kid that’s four years younger than you. gross, right? that’s exactly what a senior hitting on a freshman is like!! do not do that shit!!! there is NO reason why a senior should be trying to hook up with you when they’re 17-18 and you’re 14-15. that shit is NASTY. do NOT date seniors (even juniors are sketchy).

6. high school is where you will probably encounter alcohol/drugs/sex/etc at some point. do not be pressured!! if you don’t wanna smoke or drink then don’t do it (if you’re with the type of people who pressure, you better run). ive personally never had an experience where i was pressured, and people were usually respectful, but i can’t speak the same for everyone else. wanna get fucked up and party with your friends? be careful! i’m not promoting underage drinking but lets be honest a lot of kids do it. no sense in trying to pretend like that isn’t the real world. if you’re invited to some party by someone you KNOW has a bad rep, then don’t go!! you’ll have more opportunities.

7. if you’re worried about SATs/college admissions exams, you have a year. kids in my school are kinda crazy and were studying freshman year which made NO sense to me. end of sophomore year/beginning of junior year is usually adequate (plus- the main rule with SATs/ACTs is that you should take the test NO MORE than three times- that’s three chances!! i personally did well on my SAT, so if u have any questions feel free to ask me.

8. back to the point of pressure - if you’re going to a gifted and talented program/school, you will most likely feel academic pressure. with so many bright and smart peers, your standards will end up being much higher than the general population. i’m speaking from experience.

9. student government is usually a popularity contest. if you don’t win, don’t beat yourself up. if you do, congrats!

10. take pictures! save holiday cards! make memories!! i sincerely regret not taking photos (with me in them!!) during my freshman and sophomore years. there are a lot of great memories that i didn’t record because i was too embarrassed to get in front of a camera. i’ve learned that i’d rather cringe at a photo i look bad in in the privacy of my own phone, rather than not have a picture at all.

11. start developing good studying habits right away. what motivated me was getting cute/colorful pens, highlighters, erasers, post-its, etc., and making my notes look really pretty. i have my own personal post-it collection now. if you find ways to make studying even remotely fun/interesting, it will be extremely beneficial in the long run. i remember the summer before my junior year, i was excited to go back literally because i wanted to use my new pens.

12. this is a future piece of advice, but i would say there’s a 99% chance that you will be friends with mostly different people by senior year. you might have a core few, or a bestie, but myself and many others know that there are people who we were best friends with freshman year that don’t say hi to us in the halls senior year.

13. listen, there are gonna be some snake ass bitches. there’s no avoiding it. just don’t pay attention to them!! they get off on thinking they’re better than you. the best way to no longer deal with someone you don’t like is to just not associate with them. i’m obviously over simplifying these situations, but its usually not that deep. if it’s to the point where it’s causing you a great amount of stress, then it may be something you need to talk to a guidance counselor about.

14. please. do. not. run. and scream. in. the. halls. who do u think u are?? it’s 8 AM i don’t want to hear your screeching voice as you run into 7 people!!!!!

15. the freshmen are usually the joke of the school. you’ll hear you guys referred to as gremlins in some way, shape, or form. just deal with it, you’ll understand when you’re no longer freshmen (unless someone’s being unnecessarily mean!!).

16. make friends with your teachers!!!!!!!!! stay after class to have a little conversation with them. email them after school. bring them gifts on major holidays. IT WILL PAY OFF. letters of recommendation? done! need a teacher to sign off on something? done! minorly messed up in class? they’ll let it go bc they like you! this will also probably result in an increase in your character/participation grades.

17. make a travel pack that you keep in your bag - a few small bills,  pads/tampons (for those who need), pen, pencil, bobby pins, nail file, hair elastic, gum/mints, small perfume, band-aids, charger, etc.

18. thrift books sells books for really cheap!! also, ALWAYS check other places before ordering from normal bookstores (i’m looking at u barnes & noble)- they’re most likely cheaper.

19. i’m not gonna be one of those people who is like “school is the best!! it can be great for anyone if you just try!!” bc that shit aint true. it might suck ass for some of you. just know that high school isn’t your life. some people act like your life ends after high school. we’re 14-18 years old and still have so much to learn and see. if you set up a countdown to the end of high school your first day of freshman year, so be it.

20. your teachers are people too. they’re not there for you to use and abuse. they have families, problems, LIVES. they also have 3289472 students besides yourself, and assuming they should put you above the rest will only end up in disappointment.

21. social media is not all that matters. esp in this day and age, people will definitely be using snapchat and instagram (and hey! tumblr too). but don’t think you need social media to fit in. one of the most popular girls in my school literally made her instagram just the other day. to reiterate: it’s not that deep!!

22. you’re gonna change a lot (which is ok!!). freshman year i only wore hot topic and watched supernatural & doctor who. now, i just watch cooking vids and fawn over shawn mendes. it’s ok to change!! even just though freshman year you’ll change. i know i got like. super gay

23. if you find yourself having free time (or having study hall), do your homework!!! once you get home you’ll probably get distracted/lazy. what i used to do was go to my local library after school and get all my homework done so that i wouldn’t leave my school mindset and not wanna do anything. even if you don’t get everything done, you’ll thank yourself later.

24. there’s a difference between “forming your own opinion” on someone and completely ignoring their reputation/what your friends say. i can’t tell you how many people have gotten burned by the SAME guy in my school because none of them even kept in mind the warnings they had heard about him. it’s ok to give people a chance, but remember that most people’s reputations hold some truth (but not everyone!).

25. this seems pretty obvious but like. be nice. don’t talk mad shit about people you don’t know. rumors fly FAST in high school. what’s even worse is when they’re not true. fact check your shit if you ARE gonna gossip.

26. ok last point (for now). everything is gonna be new. there’s no getting around it. you WILL feel out of place. you’ll most likely be anxious. but everything will end up ok (cheesy, i know). the first week of high school is one the scariest weeks you’ll have in high school. things need time to settle. you’ll make friends, you’ll find things you like, you’ll be happy!! enter high school with a growth mindset. it may not seem like it, but your attitude WILL impact how things turn out.

overall, you guys will be fine. good luck to all of you !! if you have any questions or need advice on a specific thing, please feel free to send me an ask!! i’m always here. love u bbies

[clumsyclifford]

hello!! i am back and on desktop this time. the blog is just as pretty. alex + yellow = v v attractive jfc. this is a long one so buckle in.

to begin: i hope you have the most fun on your day road trip and sing your heart out to atl and taylor swift. i love driving long distances and idk just driving in general is fun. have the absolute best time MWAH

my birthday is in november!! november 23 to be specific. i share it with miley cyrus which is something i always found to be very cool when i was growing up and watching hannah montana. it also means i am a sagittarius and funny little fact i realized is that my best friend is a gemini. alex and jack are also a sagittarius and a gemini. from being 13 i know that tyler and josh from twenty one pilots are also a sagittarius and a gemini. something about sagittarius and gemini besties idk.

also yeah!! ao3 year in review!! it's a bit complicated to figure out at first and if you read a lot the finding pages thing can be pretty tedious, but it's def worth it once you figure it out. it gives you a lot of different stats about everything you read and it's pretty cool. now i am going to go look at your fics to remember my favs. you deserve the praise so i am willing to offer it. jeez you write a lot i respect the motivation sm. you write quite a bit of angst and i won't lie i try to stay away from angst so i haven't read your fics that seem super angst-y based on the tags. BUT there are still so many i recall reading and loving nonetheless. on a quick scroll-through: i usually don't read high school AUs but "paint me in trust (i'll be your best friend)" was super adorable and lovely. "thank god i'm yours" is one of my favs iirc. also i love love love "it's not always easy (but i'm here forever)" like yes please romanticize alex gaskarth i love it sm. "i won't be silent (and i won't let go)" and "i fell asleep in a city that doesn't" are both super fluffy and romantic and are favs of mine. in case you haven't picked up on it i adore very fluffy and romantic fics lmao. alright i am continuing to scroll and there are so many more i could list that i love but this section is getting quite long. just know if it's about a kitchen or hotel rooms being for lovers i probably read it and adored it and that pov is so valid.

waterparks!! will not lie i only really started listening to them about 6 months ago having been distantly aware of their existence for several years by being a fan of bands in the same genre. listen as long as you let yourself be vaguely annoyed by awsten is prevents you from being in love with him. follow him on any social media platform for like a day and you'll be sick of him typing in nothing but all caps within hours. simply do not romanticize him and you can keep yourself from falling!! so this is coming from a slightly fake parx fan, but some of my favs by them have been peach (lobotomy), crave, numb, fuzzy, violet!, you'd be paranoid too, and lowkey as hell. that is a very songs-from-their-most-recent-album-heavy rec, but whatever. i did give the disclaimer about being a fake parx fan.

yeah hayley does have 2 solo albums now!! petals for armor and flowers for vases / descansos. pfa is the one i didn't really like upon first listen but has grown on me. i haven't even listened to the second one in its entirety oops but we won't mention it. dead horse is good but simmer (pretty sure that was the other single??) just ain't it for me. the album has some lovely songs but it's just a hit or miss album all the way through. some favs of mine on it include pure love, taken, crystal clear, watch me while i bloom, and why we ever. it's sorta a storyline album about healing if that adds anything to it?? but anyways. i started listening to paramore around the time after laughter dropped and it grew to be one of my fav albums in existence. idle worship is probably one of my fav songs like ever. i def understand being slightly put off by bands with songs that make religious references (me with twenty one pilots' earlier music that makes a lot more religious references considering i'm not religious whatsoever) but i think i am blinded by being in love with hayley williams and just ignore it. idk that she's like super religious?? she's addressed believing in god and stuff a few times but she's def not the "rub it in your face" type and if she's making refs in music more recently then they're subtle enough i'm not noticing them. ik albums like brand new eyes had a lot more because it was shortly after that the band split and the songwriting process was essentially her and ex-bandmate co-songwriter arguing about their religious beliefs (turns out he ended up being super homophobic and transphobic all based on his religion so do with that what u will and thank the clown for leaving). i feel u on the "i meant to start listening to them" because that's essentially how i started listening to them. i told myself i was going to and then finally forced myself to do it. fuck falling for awsten knight what's more risky is falling in love with hayley </3

also yeah!! you've articulated my feelings towards tde. every song is so vastly different that it's hard to like it all. #1 fan is pretty decent though, and that's not just my bias about finding both ross and his gf hot and a cute couple and getting to see them together and ross half naked in a mirror in the video nope not at all. he's my fav himbo!! he has no personality!! no thoughts head empty!! i still love him and his strawberry-growing saga on twitter tho <3 the hazard of being in love with ross lynch since i was 12. girlfriend better be a fucking banger and there's quite a few already released singles in the tracklist so i have hope. i believe my show is in chicago on november 19 which is a thursday. kinda sucks since i intentionally bought the chicago tix nearly two years ago (the show was originally supposed to be april 25 2020. lol.) because the show was on a saturday and i have to drive 3 hours to get there. obviously i can't speak for them as tde but r5 shows always fucking slapped and i can vouch for them (realized i haven't seem them live since 2016?? 5 YEARS?? wtf) so if u genuinely like them. would recommend going to see them.

anyways. i have not listened to luke's solo album yet. i plan on it. this has gotten so long but i tried to respond in all areas and even organized it in different paragraphs this time (thanks being on desktop!!). hope you are well. hope you have a lovely day. hmm what's a little "going on in my life" fact. i got new glasses a few days ago and my eyes essentially said fuck off because adjusting to the new prescription has left me with eyes that hurt and occasionally slightly nauseous. here is to hoping my eyes get their shit together. mwah LOVE YOU TOO - the other bella/cubs anon/idk

okay hi hello. i have put this off because holy hell it's long but let's do it. i am putting a cut because this whole thing is long even without my answer

first: the road trip was super fun thank you!!! i am intrigued by this information regarding sags and geminis, we should do some scientific inquiry. enquiry. i don't know if there's a difference between those words.

aha! well i tried the ao3 year in review thing and i would say it had about 55% accuracy but still i agree it's fun to look back at that kind of stuff. and i feel you on the angst thing i go through phases of writing angst-heavy stuff and then writing very fluffy stuff and it is entirely based on my mental state buuuut i have lots of fluff and i'm glad you found it all and that you liked it yay <333 KITCHENS ARE FOR LOVERS i will die on that fuckin hill. hotel rooms as well but primarily kitchens.

dfgjhgdlfkhgdfmj honestly i dont use twitter enough that i would see his tweets enough that that would bother me also the fact that he tweets in all caps means that i just picture him yelling everything he tweets which i find absolutely hysterical so i don't think that would help. i have added these parx songs to my listen asap playlist and will get to them when i get a chance thank you i am excited also i already know lowkey as hell and it slaps super hard so im very much lookin forward to the rest of these. merci merci

YEAH simmer was the one i didnt vibe with. and honestly i feel zero compulsion to get into hayley williams as a solo artist. i just don't vibe enough to want to do that so i doubt i'll be listening to her anytime soon but maybe if i hear the songs in passing or get super bored one night, idk who can really say. but yeah christianity typically puts me off of music (speaking as a very jewish bitch) although there are notable exceptions in the cases of thomas rhett and the driver era. i'm just not attached to hayley enough to be like ehhh this doesnt matter. does that make sense

FAVORITE HIMBO PLEASE HGSDFGDFGKLFGJ i dont follow him on twitter but i have seen some interviews of ross and rocky and tbh they're great i love the way ross speaks like i like his speech mannerisms and i like his FACE and HAIR and. yeah. i think hes pretty. and i think he and 5sos SHOULD collab i think that would be sexy as hell. can you imagine that. oh my god can you imagine a ross lynch/luke hemmings collab. i'm not even really talking to you anymore bella because i know you haven't listened to luke yet and don't have a stake in it but if anyone else is reading this long ass answer. ross & luke collab. okay im going to move on and not think about that now. but i probably won't see tde unless i get a job this semester because i'm trying to stop spending so much money on big indulgent things like concerts likeee i was in a really good habit of not spending that much and then suddenly i got paid for one summer and i was just goin Crazy and i need to dial it back. plus i wanna see ajr and noah kahan equally bad so like. i have to make some calls about priorities here. it's Much to think about

good luck to your eyes i'm sure your new glasses are hella cute tho!!! LOVE YOUUUUUUU

[1000-directions]

Annual Writing Self-Evaluation

*All answers should be about works published in 2017.

tagged by @imlouisaf <3

1. List of works published this year (in the order that they were posted):

o jeez, they were all really short but i published 14 stories on ao3 altogether

even if it’s a lie, say it will be all right

spinning on that dizzy edge

a praise chorus

lay your hands over me (written before everything else on this list but posted to ao3 months later as a backdated work)

baby, here we go again

i don’t care, i’m not scared

amsterdam without you

show me you can handle this

girl crush

she’s a good girl

see where this thing goes

boy, make me believe

are you that somebody?

part of your world

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

this is hard because i’m proud of different stories for different reasons. some of these i just never would have thought i was capable of writing, and that feels awesome. but i’m going to go with even if it’s a lie, say it will be all right. writing this felt like torture sometimes, and by the time i published it, i’d spent so much time up close inside it that i couldn’t tell if there was anything good or redeemable about it at all, and i was embarrassed to even show it to anyone else. but when i read it now, i’m really pleased with it. i like the different relationships in the story, i like my use of flashbacks to sketch in backstory, i like the way louis and eleanor use sex in different ways to illustrate the complexity of their relationship. i love the interplay between past and present, and i think overall it has more emotional complexity than anything else i’ve written. i poured a lot of myself into it, and it sucked, and it was hard, but i’m so happy with how it turned out. also, i got some really amazing feedback about it, especially from people who were not sold on the idea of real-life elounor but found this portrayal sympathetic. i really loved being able to change some people’s minds and get them excited about louis’ real relationship.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

lol fuckin spinning on that dizzy edge 😩😩 my most kudos-ed work currently and probably forever, rip me. it’s not even a story, it’s literally just me describing louis in two different outfits, i think it took like an hour to write, it’s just...not...anything? i know that i’m too hard on this story, but actually, i’m nOT!!!

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

i do like this little paragraph from boy, make me believe, part of the louis/bebe truckstop au.

She didn’t know it could be like this. When she’d imagined her sexual future, she always thought it would be the same sort of adequate sex she’d been having before, just with progressively older guys, until she married one of them, and then they’d get older together. She’s only ever been with boys, is the thing, and Louis is such a man that’s she giddy with it. He has a job and a family and a kid. He knows a trade, and he lives alone in his own house, and he can fix mostly anything. He’s muscular and strong, and he smells like beer and cigarettes most nights. He’s all grown up and self-sufficient, and he knows who he is and what he wants. And he wants to worship her, and he knows how to do that, too. She didn’t know there would be gentleness. She didn’t know there would be selflessness. She didn’t know that being manly could still leave so much room for being soft.

5. Share or describe a favorite comment you received:

you know, it’s so funny to look at the kudos counts for the truckstop au, because they’re so much lower than i realized. and that’s because every comment i’ve gotten on that series has been so thoughtful and excited and loving and kind that it makes me forget that that series is SUPER NICHE and almost no one read it. but the people who did read it were just amazing and supportive, and even just a handful of people buying into that world and getting excited about it and talking shit out with me in the comments and helping me develop that world more and consider things differently than i had before, it was really just the best most rewarding thing.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

every second of writing that pig dog story was torture, especially as the deadline loomed closer and i still had almost none of it written. and also especially because i was really inspired at that time to work on my louis/briana story, but i didn’t have time, and i resented having to work on this one instead. i reread it today, and i swear it’s the first time i’ve actually even liked it. writing that story was brutal.

7. A scene or character that you wrote that surprised you:

writing two stories with harry as a narrator was a weird surprise. i really love writing through or about louis. i’ll read lots of different pairings, but it’s hard for me to get excited about writing a story that doesn’t involve louis. so i really didn’t expect to enjoy writing my hamille stories so much, but that’s been such a fun relationship to explore, and i expect i will write more of them next year.

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

my philosophy this year has mostly been to only write what i want to write, and i mean both in terms of pairings and in terms of actual content. i don’t like writing plot and backstory and worldbuilding and all that shit, so i just...stopped. and i really focused in on the bits that i do like, the internal monologues and little scraps of dialogue and emotions and sensations, and i think it made my writing sharper and more concentrated. i think i reduced a lot of filler this year and really focused on writing undiluted, strong emotions and metaphors. if something was boring or dragging, i skipped it. i know that’s not for everyone, but it many writing much more enjoyable for me personally.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

i would like to try some new pairings. this is weird, but i’ve never really written a true nouis story? it feels like i should have, but i haven’t, and that’s something i wouldn’t mind tackling next year. also, when i first started out, i didn’t feel comfortable leaving canon behind because i worried that i didn’t have a strong enough grip on my characters yet, and i feared that if i started writing AUs or whatever, my characters would become unrecognizable. but i’d like to keep venturing out and trying new worlds and tropes. i want to write more trans characters. i’d like to write an ace fic. i’d like to bring my eye to things i haven’t written before and see what happens.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

jeez, everyone? you know what, i’m gonna go ahead and single out @alligatornyc as someone who doesn’t write but is such a positive and uplifting reader. if you get on her good side, she will make you feel like the greatest person who ever wrote a single word, and that is such a rare and wonderful gift. @mildlymaddy is also really phenomenal about showering her friends with amazing comments and feedback. @queerlyalex more than anyone else i’ve ever known is just...super positive about encouraging people to be creative and do whatever makes them happy, and they are so celebratory about whatever you end up producing.

11. Anything in your real life show up in your writing this year:

louis’ depression in even if it’s a lie, say it will be all right is my depression. also, this from see where this thing goes is 100% me dropping out of school and being ashamed to tell most of the people in my life:

“Do you figure you’re going to head back home?” Jay asked when they were both finished eating, and Bebe imagined what that would be like, to give up after so much planning. She remembered the going away party they had thrown for her at the old diner, the balloons and the cake and the card they’d all signed for her and the gas station gift card they’d all chipped in for, only forty bucks but it melted her heart that they’d all believed in her and wanted her to go off and be a big star. She couldn’t go home. She couldn’t face those people again until she became someone, and her eyes welled up with tears just thinking about it.

“I can’t go back there,” Bebe had said.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

there is room for you to write the kind of stories you want to write. you don’t have to follow those “avoid these writing mistakes” posts that drive me fucking crazy. show don’t tell? who cares. if you wanna tell, then tell, it’s your story. people get very focused on word count and writing every day and forming proper habits, and if that works for you, good, and if that doesn’t work for you, that’s good, too. if forcing yourself to write every day makes you feel shitty and inadequate, then don’t do it. if writing when you’re uninspired feels bad, don’t do it. you don’t have to do this the way everyone else does. you’re doing this FOR FREE. it should feel good. if you’re not enjoying it, figure out a way to do it differently.

13. Any new projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

louis/bucky barnes is a thing, and it is happening, and i am getting really excited about it. louis/briana is happening. cis girls hamille is probably happening. more truckstop au will hopefully be happening. trans louis is theoretically happening, but that one is only just starting to coalesce in my mind. and once louis’ album drops, i’m sure way more elounor will be happening.

14. Tag three writers/artists whose answers you’d like to read:

i hATE TAGGING 😩 if we are mutuals and you wanna do this, tag you’re it! please tag me in your response. if we aren’t mutuals are you wanna do this, tag you’re it! please tag me in your response. fair warning tho this thing takes F O R E V E R to do

[scottishcookie]

WOW HEY GUESS WHO FORGOT SHE HAD A TAG THING BY @chersquad SITTING IN HER DRAFTS. IM JUST GOING TO STICK THAT SHIT UNDER A CUT REAL QUICK HERE WE GO

RULES: Answer the new questions given by the previous person Write 11 new questions Tag 11 people

1. What is the strangest place you have ever been?

A Waffle House in Kentucky. It’s the most Southern Southern thing to have ever Southerned.

2. What is your favourite kind of house?

I love houses that are more open floored, and with a few windows to let some sunlight in. Location wise, I like the suburbs. Not too busy but not too remote.

3. Early bird or night owl?

Night owl, completely on accident. I’ll look up and oh look the sun is rising oops. It’s also partly @sinunamor‘s fault because our rp is too fun

4. Are you old-fashioned?

Not really! Or, at least, I like to think that I’m not. The only exception that I can think of off the top of my head is with dating, I’m pretty “old-fashioned” in that regard, or at least that’s what I’ve been told.

5. Are you usually on time, early or late?

I have a bad habit of being late, I severely underestimate how long it takes me to get somewhere or do something.

6. If you do like it, what is your favourite kind of chocolate?

I like just regular milk chocolate :3c

7. What was the last thing you ate?

i....think a sandwich? 

8. What are your 3 favourite foods?

Cookies (its why i decided on the nickname Cookie!), spaghetti, and mashed potatoes. Scientists from all over the world are trying to figure out how I’m still so thin.

9. What would you like to do again?

I would love to go to Norway again, that was probably the best trip of my life!!

10. What would you do if you were invisible?

I want to say I wouldn’t do anything bad but lbr I would definitely take the opportunity to go fuck with people, like making stuff fall off of shelves when someone is alone at 2 AM.

11. What’s your lucky number? Any special reason why?

My lucky number would be either 3 or 9! I studied Ancient Roman superstitions a tiny bit too hard and it was supposedly the luckiest number to the Romans. They thought of 3 as a good number, and so 9 was obviously the best number since it’s 3 groups of 3, and that just stuck with me.

oh god now i gotta come up with 11 questions oh fuck uhhhhhhhhhh

1. Do you like to write? If so, what do you like to write?

2. What’s your favorite animal?

3. How do you act around friends? Is it different from how you normally act?

4. What’s your favorite memory?

5. Do you call it pop, soda, soft drink, or something different?

6. Do you prefer to cook or order take out?

7. What is/was your favorite cartoon?

8. Do you have any pets?

9. What is your favorite song?

10. What’s your favorite drink? (Can be alcoholic or non alcoholic)

11. Do you prefer to shop online or in person?

I’m sorry I can’t really think of 11 people to tag ;v; If you’ve read through all of this (or at least looked at it to see if you were tagged), then consider yourself tagged. Have fun!

[midnightstarr8]

RULES: 1. Answer 11 questions. 2. Write your own 11 questions to pass on. 3. Tag 11 people.

This will be my third go-round at this thanks to the lovely @bleuemelomane <3 Loved your answers girl, especially the music! This time I probably won’t tag people but I will answer all of your questions!

1. Do you write fiction/fanfiction? If not, would you like to? -I do write from time to time; you can find my fanfiction at fanfiction.net under this link! https://www.fanfiction.net/~midnightstarr . I used to write a lot more than I really do now; I think I’ve been slipping back out of the Beyblade fandom a bit and that’s keeping me from really having the inspiration I need, but it’s also hard to really want to write after you’ve been working for 12 hours already lol. Work kills me. PS; if you check out that link don’t go back any further than three years LOL the rest of my stuff is crap.

2. What inspired you to be the person that you are today? -I think for the longest time, I was the girl that cared what everybody thought. Like really really cared, hearing something bad about myself or that I’d done something wrong and I’d go nights with no sleep. So I decided that I had to change that because it’s not right to live your life in fear of what others think of you: you’re not gonna please everybody. So keep the people closest to you happy, keep yourself happy and don’t stretch yourself too thin for other people. We’re all only so deep until we run shallow, so take care of your self-esteem! I had a wonderful father but a not-so-great mom and both of my parents struggle with alcohol addiction and work away for weeks at a time, so I mostly raised myself. I’ve always been a really independent person, but not that confident: it’s really different. Aiming to be a nurse and possibly a doctor has really helped me with my self-confidence because there’s nothing like leaving the room of your patient and knowing you made a positive difference to them. Their health depends on your judgement and your medical assessment, knowledge and skill: it’s a great boost when you’ve done something that really makes a difference. I’m still not entirely sure what kind of person I am, because on certain days I feel like a wonderful person and on other days I feel like a bad one. I think we all cycle through that, so really if we all try to just be the best kinda person we can I’m hoping that makes up for it in the end.

3. Name a few mundane things about your daily life that put you in a good mood. -Omg, okay. A cold glass or can of Diet Pepsi. Yummmm, probably with ice. Especially after a long day at work. My laptop, always running down my playlists. Putting on lipstick and nailing the perfect application! My pups cuddling up to me in bed and putting her face on mine - lmfao it’s just an adorable way to wake up. On sunny days, when we’re lucky enough to have them, if the wind’s just right the sea turns this amazing bright blue and everything just looks and sounds better. Hearing my dad playing with the animals, when Brandon calls and he says he had an awesome day at school.... Coming online here and seeing someone agrees or wants to talk about one of my headcanons! All things that make me mundanely happy.

4. Name an event that had a deep impact on your life. -That’s really difficult... Like, I’d like to say my parents’ divorce but I was a child and mom’s alcohol abuse has just been one long road of battery and ignorance. So that doesn’t really count either. Maybe graduating from nursing school... That definitely changed my life in big ways. The things you learn and the responsibility you carry is so huge, it’s a bit like carrying around a bomb that could blow at any time and you’re the only one who knows how to defuse it so if you make a mistake everything goes BOOM

5. What would be the perfect crossover for you? (Could be from movies, animes, books.. Whatever you want.) -Holy shit, uh, Beyblade, Sailor Moon and Digimon. Can you imagine a world with so much magic...?

6. What was your very first OTP/ship? -Honestly Beyblade came first.... So that would make it RayxMariah! Hahaha god love their hearts <3 Then V-Force happened and it became MaxxMariam but I still have my ReixMariah feels. Nothing but real love for that pairing.

7. Are you more of an email person or a letter person? -I think I actually do prefer emails.. It’s just quicker. Plus letters can get messy and time-consuming when you’re trying to write a whole lot. Emails I can pop it down and be done!

8. Do you relate to a fictional character? -This is gonna be lame but I really think I relate to Tyson. I am Tyson. From the bottomless gut to the engorged head to the fact that I think my friends might ditch me from time to time but they keep comin’ crawling back and I still love them to bits. Can’t relate to the champion thing though. I am master of nothing.

9. What’s your skincare routine? Do you have any secret tips that have made you as awesome as you are now? -This is laughable, but I don’t really have a skincare routine. Like there’s nothing I do nightly. In the shower I use a body wash on my face and neck called Sea-Kissed Scrub. It’s got sea salt in it, like little granules so I rub it into my face and my dry skin just totally disappears plus I feel so fresh. But otherwise, when I get out of the shower in the mornings I moisturize with whatever moisturizer I have in front of me (I have about 30 - right now it’s tarte’s H20) and then I put on my makeup. I don’t wear foundation. Really. None. I might use a pressed powder in white and maybe a concealer, but no foundation. It’s too hard to match my skin tone; I’m pale as fuck with naturally blushed cheeks so there’s nothing full coverage enough to handle it. So I just do some on-point lips and eyes and that’s about it.

10. Talk about your OCs/fictional characters: how did you create them, what makes them special.... -I’m not nearly talented enough to have a good OC, but honestly my portrayal of Mariam in my fics and in my roleplaying online here and on skype is probably close enough to having an OC. We have so little info about her as a character that it’s like having a bit of a blank canvas: time to play! I think what drew me to Mariam is that she’s so stubborn and a bit cocky, but at the same time she can be taken down a notch; like she’s not so much of an idiot that she can’t learn something new? She makes mistakes, and she’s not the best beyblader on her team and she fights with her captain and he has to be strict with her but she didn’t let that stop her from believing Max belonged with Draciel. So like, she’s a really individual thinker and I like that. So while my Mariam isn’t afraid to live life, I generally have her make a lot of mistakes... Because when you leap into everything head over heels, some things just don’t work out. And she’s a passionate person: when she’s pissed she’s pissed, when she’s upset she’s really upset so like that can spiral out of control at times. She has a couple bad habits and she makes a lot of assumptions about people. I think Mariam is special because she’s not the feminine soft that she wishes she was so she wears pretty dresses to make up for that. I think she’s special because no one else can make as many fucked up bad decisions as her and still find room to make another bad decision. Haha I love her because she grows. She has good days and bad days: like a normal person, like all characters should. She’s special because she’s mine.

11. Finally, let’s talk about cute fluffy friends: Talk about your pets! -Okay. Shadow is my nearly two-year old pup!! She’s jet black with a white patch on her chest and two white feet! She’s a border collie and terrier mix so while she’s not a huge dog she’s fluffy as fuck and soft to the touch with a really pretty face! I got Shadow because my father was getting depressed, and he loves animals even more than I do so I figured it was time for a dog. I’ve never owned one, so she’s my first pup and honestly she was so hard to train at first that I doubted my ability hahaha. She talks to us! Shadow is THE most verbal dog I have ever come across and everyone else who gets to know her says the same thing. She has a full range of speech. Shadow’s our pretty puppy. Now, a few days after getting Shadow, we made the choice to go and adopt a kitty too... Because I’ve owned cats all my life and Dad said ‘if we’re gettin’ one might as welll get two.’ So we did! On the day we visited the rescue, a lady came in with a carrier with two tiny babies in it... They’d just been pulled out of a drain pipe. So I chose Ghost. He was a snow white little guy who was terrified of people. So he went to the vet, got his shots, some ointment for his sore little eyes and he came home. The first night home, he curled up in his litter box and wouldn’t come near us but Shadow crawled in it with him and they slept there that night. After that it got easier and easier!!! Ghost has had a hard road, and late last year we found out he’d developed necrosis of his hip.... So he had to have a leg amputated. My kitty is a proud amputee and doing great!!! In fact, now he’s not in pain anymore and he’s so damn happy and active because of it. He’s a sook now. More for dad than for me, but that’s okay because that’s how I intended it. God love their hearts, they are serving their purpose. <3

And that was 11 questions! Thanks for the tag @bleuemelomane, <3 you.

[reblogsnshit]

tagged by @mistersunshinesprinkles alright lets go

10 Random Facts About Me:

1. even though all my life everybody said i was “extremely intelligent and mature” i dropped out of high school a few years back, not even the final year, after having redone the first year. suddenly people saw me as the dumb class clown and i still have issues about that

hitting with the heavy stuff head first yo

2. you probably didn’t know that but i like video games a lot

3. you probably didn’t know that but i like buff women a lot

also i’m bi

4. once in elementary school i was going to school then i stopped walking all of a sudden, i don’t know why, and then a huge-ass brick came crashing down right in front of me. if i had kept walking it would’ve crushed my brain for sure because 1) i was 8 or 9 2) i tried to lift that brick but i couldn’t, too heavy

5. once in middle school me and my two friends were playing in an industrial site and I ran an iron bar through my left hand (not completely but hey) by accident, I was so afraid I’d get grounded or something that I kept the wound secret to everybody but my friends. the wound turned purple and orange in a matter of days and then it just quietly healed. that was extremely stupid of me because that shit could’ve easily gotten infected

6. in my stupid kid years i had three crushes a day, one time when i was harassing the shit out of one girl she stood up in front of the whole class and said that, well, i was a stupid kid that couldn’t stop harassing her. the embarrassment and shame i felt from that prevented me from actually looking to start a relationship with anybody else and made me believe that nobody would fall in love with me (i still have trouble with this tbh), even though she was 100% in the right and i frankly needed this

7. also every single one of my friends up until 2012 or so figuratively fucked me behind my back, as a result i have tremendous trust issues, can only have a couple friends at a time, and i have troubles speaking of what i like, what i do with my life or my feelings. also it’s absolutely not my desire to do so but i believe that every human being is evil at their core, although i know that’s stupid because hey @palmer-eldritch-on-holiday exists

8. once about a decade ago i spent 130€ or so on mobile games in a week. my mom caught me and gave me a rough time, told me never to do it again. being the little shit that i was, a year later i did it again

9. with a few exceptions, i still feel that any of the social links in Persona 3 & 4 were more “real” than any actual relationships Ive had up until the point I finished them

10. don’t worry buddy, i also happen to know the best hentai artists out there

5 OTPs

i really don’t think about that stuff much, sorry lmao

11 questions that will wow your partner in bed, by Lethey

1. Which piece of fiction do you wish you’d have written and why? - absolutely no idea. i don’t read much :(

2. Coffee Or Tea? - tea, i abhor the taste of coffee with a fiery passion

3.What’s your favourite game of all time and why?- okay when someone asks me that question my mind always goes SONIC R SONIC R SONIC R because who the hell doesn’t love that soundtrack. however if im being a little more honest to myself it’s either gotta be metal gear solid 3 or splinter cell chaos theory, i just love stealth games so much

i don’t really think i have only one favourite GOAT though. i love mgs 3 and splinter cell 3 as much as i love lands of lore 2 for example, or any modern tekken games, guilty gear XX, persona 3, etc.

4. If you could have any kind of hairdo, what would it be? - haha i’m fine with my current one

5. Your de-stress method of choice? - taking a shit. seriously. aside from that, playing games obviously

6. Favourite guilty pleasure - i don’t really have guilty pleasures, i don’t play bad games or watch bad shows or films ? however i guess sonic r could be considered a guilty pleasure so idk, i can feel the sunshine from time to time

7. Biggest anime crush? - that’s gotta be either urumi kanzaki from gto or the major from ghost in the shell

8. Dish you could prepare flawlessly if you could – chirashi

9. Chinese or western horoscope? - uuuuh i think i’m a dog and pisces

10. Is there a song that inspired you in life? If so which one? - don’t really have any songs that inspired me per se, however the sonic r soundtrack cheers me the fuck up

11. Is there a historic figure you’d like to have coffee with? Who? - nope

11 questions that will BLOW perception of the ending to the Last of Us, from me:

1. Keyboard and mouse or controller, which do you generally prefer for games?

controller. i grew to hate first person shooters so I really have no need to play with a M&KB in most of my games, if a game has controller support i’ll just hook my pad up

2. What is the most you have eaten in one go?

two huge pizzas and a half in front of my family. they didn’t think i could do it. they didn’t think i would continue to eat after the first pizza. they didn’t think they’d see my mouth completely red one day, the blood of my enemies dripping down from the corners of my mouth

3. If you could take regular tranquil strolls or jogs through a fictional place of choice, where would it be and why?

no idea so i’m gonna answer with the battlestar galactica

4. Who are the characters you would die to see happy and content?

girls

5. What is the sequel/follow-up that kills you every time you remind yourself it will never happen?

silent hill 5

a new metroid game

a new castlevania game

the real mgs 5

REmake 2

the real ninja gaiden 3

a sequel to persona 2

a new splinter cell game, shut the fuck up blacklist was easily top 3

6. Do you minmax for the optimal gains when the choice presents itself, or do you absorb the world, efficiency can go eat a dick?

i used to blob like you but then I took a demon’s souls in the knee jesus that was cringy to type

7. Words you frequently misspell out of habit?

misspell.

seriously. also most words that have two consonants in a row like successfully

8. Theme song of your life?

what i’d like it to be

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4qaDTOkPQ6A

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xAeBXh25NiQ

vs what it is

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kcF7E69C6Q

9. The historical figure you would chain to a table, and spank with a paddle?

Rouss-

i’m not aware of any historically buff girls so none

10. What’s a piece of media you were eh on, but improved in retrospect? If that’s unavailable, the thing you liked but seemed to get worse the more you thought about it?

metal gear solid 4

at first i thought it was a decent game but with a bit too many cutscenes, and then i wised up and saw that the real game was in first half of act 1 and first half of act 2, then you can practically never play metal gear solid again. second half of second half of act 2 has you desperately trying to sneak through a warzone overrun with constant respawning enemies and then puts you through a fucking turret section IN THE SECOND ACT, act 3 is just peekaboo and cutscenes, act 4 is mgs 1 nostalgia with nothing to do and cutscenes, act 5 is impossible to sneak through, weird fight scene, button mashing and cutscenes.

“but dust, mgs 3 also had many long cutscenes !” 1) they were easily understandable, 2) they were fun to watch

good lord they devised the best gameplay in the entire series and they did NOTHING with it i’m still pissed ten years later

11. Black jeans or blue jeans?

bleached blue jeans are cool but black jeans are my jam

not tagging anybody because i’m an ass and everybody i wanted to tag as done it already