#also i'm turning 30 this year and that freaks me out more than you could ever imagine

[fizzingwizard]

Randomly visited reddit and saw this:

My first thought: it's an incel pretending to be a woman, because what modern woman thinks she's spoiled milk a 30??? (Aside from also trashing her girl friends - girl, get better friends!) But their profile doesn't seem weird in any way, so, I guess there are some people out there who really somehow believe youth ends at 29. Even some who have aged past it.

It's not even true that all 30 year olds are less beautiful than they were at 20. People age in different ways at at different rates: yeah, your likelihood of getting wrinkles and gray hairs is only ever going to go up. But some people don't have their style figured out in their twenties - some people turn thirty and freaking bloom. And you can't call that a late bloomer. 40 isn't a late bloomer either! 20 is nice but it's not the heaven on earth it's cracked up to be, and 30 is just getting started.

Idk about the rest of you but you know those posts about how embarrassing it is to look back on 14? Yeah, related to those when I was 20. Now I've passed the big 3-0, and guess what - I think 20 year old me was so silly lol. So insecure, so afraid to make mistakes, so resistant to change. I enjoyed my twenties, but my early thirties have so far been way better: I'm more confident, less self-involved, and I find happiness so much more easily than I did back when I thought everything I did had to matter So Damn Much. And if you think that doesn't relate to being attractive: confidence is 90% of it. Just walk up and smile. A confident, happy person always attracts others even if they're just average-looking.

Also for people who like men, don't forget: men in their 30s usually aren't quite the energizer bunnies they were in their 20s when it comes to ~sexy times~ The 20-year-old stud who insisted he could go for a roll multiple times a day, every day, is probably much less gung ho at 30. And also more forward-thinking, and less amaaaaazed by omg boobies!!! When you're young, half the excitement is just how new everything is. It gets less intense, thank goodness. (But it's still hot!)

This post just totally rubbed me the wrong way. It read as a still young woman anxiously wringing her hands in apology for having the audacity to be single at... 30?? And apparently not trusting women to have good advice about dating at 30 (so no point in me responding to her, lol), but perfectly comfortable kissing up to incel mindsets such as "women past 25 should accept that they're sloppy seconds" etc. "Value as a partner" do you have intrinsic worth as a human being?? Yes??? Then your value does NOT degrade. Yeah, you might have gray hair, the horror, so unsexy (I've had very visible grays since I was 23 and been dyeing since 26 lmao). Doesn't mean you're less hot than some 20 year old who doesn't know what she's doing. Doesn't mean it'll be at all hard to find a partner who will love you warts and all. Do you have this same expectation of men? Are you gonna start dating a 30 year old dude and then complain that he gets tired more quickly than a 20 year old would?? Is he less sexy just because he doesn't party all night and drink twice his weight without effect? Overrated overrated overrated!

My parents divorced in their 60s. My mom's got a new boyfriend who takes her dancing under the full moon. They're living their best lives way past their so-called "prime" and no, that is not rare - it's just a choice. If you view yourself as having some expiration date, you're not gonna do anything to improve your happiness once you're past it. Don't let incels or misogyny or whatever convince you your perfectly wholesome milk has gone bad, because that is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

ETA: Well, while I was working this got 150 notes, and although that's barely a drop in the bucket, it's still a lot more than my rants usually get (about 2 lol). So I just want to clarify a couple things so I stop getting comments about them.

This post was from the askmen subreddit. I left that out, feeling "reddit" was context enough, but I guess the implications may not have been obvious, especially to tumblr users who don't also use reddit. Askmen isn't a horrible place (a number of the responders pointed out why they prefer older women to younger ones), but many of its members have a pretty incel-adjacent vibe. Plus there are a number of women (real or not) who post there, many of whom have a similar brown-nosey "unlike those radical feminists, I'm a woman who knows her place" attitude.

It's fine to suggest the OP may have internalized misogyny from being abused - but it's not a given, as nothing in the post is a definite indication of abuse by itself. Big kudos for the compassion - just keep in mind that my response was about general attitudes towards dating post-twenties and not about abuse victims.

To the person who thinks a relationship of six years makes a difference somehow?: You seem to have interpreted my post as an attack on people who feel insecure about returning to dating after a breakup. But I think it's clearly nothing to do with that. Of course it is natural to have anxieties about being single after so long, but nowhere in this post was that denied or mocked. Whether you've been together one year or six, this post would always be weird - those natural anxieties don't make misogynistic mindsets about decrepit 30-year-old women any less gross. If you had decided to write a reaction to the OP's post, perhaps you would have chosen to center it on the effects of coming off a long term relationship, and I'm sure it'd be insightful. However, I am not you, and I chose to react to the attitudes around aging in relationships reflected in the post.

[a-canceled-stamp]

Hi Stamp!

For the ask game:

🥤 ⇢ recommend an author or fanfic you love   ❄️ ⇢ what's your dream theme/plot for a fic, and who would write it best? 🏜️ ⇢ what's your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?

Hi again Rae!!! This answer is very very late, but thank you so much for the ask 🥺💞

🥤 ⇢ recommend an author or fanfic you love  

IMPOSSIBLE QUESTION. But also a favorite. I shall choose 3 bc I can. buy back the secrets by sundiscus ( @vinelark ). TimKon fic feat. Identity Porn out the wazoo. I'm still obsessed with this one. It's so fricking good. It was the first fic we read in our book/fic club and y'all, let me tell you. We are still not okay. When chapter 6 drops all hell will break loose. A Premonition of Drift-Design by @shirokokuro. Amazing Tim & Bruce content. I first read this years ago when I first joined the fandom, and have been obsessed ever since. I reread it the other day for the memories and y'all. It is just as freaking good as I remember, if not better. The entire If That Happens, I'll Catch You and Secretary Tim (And Other Shenanigans) series are top notch tbh. Go read them rn, do it 🔫 And finally, a Malevolent fic bc this show is ruining my life [affectionate]. lacuna by @calamitxtum. I am 5 chapters in and have eaten my pillow. The mattress is next. I am so so so normal about these two. It doesn't help that Cal's writing is insanely good. NOMNOMNOM. The fic was completed the other day too so you can and should dive into it this instant. (Spoilers through ep 28 though). Go!!!

❄️ ⇢ what's your dream theme/plot for a fic, and who would write it best?

This was an impossible question to answer. I have been staring at this draft for 30 min. But I finally have an answer. I love the Hidden Injuries trope and have started reading more fics focusing on Bruce and Jason's relationship. And honestly, there is no one I trust more with this dynamic than lemongarden. They are the one who wrote Stargazer, and bro. Brooooooo. Holy shit. It is fucking incredible. I wish I could bottle their characterizations of Jason and Bruce in a bottle and study them for science. Stargazer is so incredible near and dear to my heart, I almost get emotional talking about it ahdjkhskjd. This sort of turned into another rec but you know what those are always great.

🏜️ ⇢ what's your favorite type of comment to receive on your work?

Honestly any kind of comment at all, like just a goofy smiley goes a long way. But comments that make me kick my feet are the keyboard smash, all capital letters, unhinged rambles - those fill me with immense joy. Also, the liveblog-esque comments are to die for. And the analytical, deep dive into the reader's own interpretation of events is so much fun to read. I know that these take time tho so I really don't expect people to do that (I once spent an hour on a comment. AN HOUR. It was 1384 words rip).

Thank you again for the ask, Rae! Ily :smek:

[xshybutdeadlyx]

Questions for the demiromantic and demisexuals out there

Ok, so I've recently found this term thanks to an aroace character from a show I watched. I knew of the sexuality but I didn't really know the specifics because I always thought I was bi but now looking into it I didn't know how aroace was like a literal umbrella and there was so much more to it then meets the eye. Which I'm 30 I feel like I should know more than what I do. But with doing research into it trying to understand it better, I learned about all the terms, and I learned about demiromantic and demisexual and it really resonated with me. But I wanted to ask for advice, I guess? Like I like romance I love reading it seeing art and what have you but when it comes to romance for myself I'm not a big fan? And maybe it's because I literally have to unlearn so much romance equals a, b, and c when that's not really true. I literally been in only one relationship in my life and it consisted of hand holding small kisses (no tongue, honestly I have an ick with spit and the only reason I "wanted" to do deeper kisses with the boyfriend I had at the time was because I felt like it was a requirement) but I honestly didn't feel attraction towards him until after getting to know him and being friends with him for months well into almost a year. And he's the only one I ever felt that way for I hardly ever had crushes or when I did I almost kinda forced myself into having them if that makes sense? It was "natural," and every kid was supposed to have crushes. Nothing ever came from the "crushes" though.

Now, like I said, I'm well into my 30s, and the relationship I just mentioned was the only relationship romantic wise I've ever had. I have had strong feelings for two of the friends I have but one friend is straight as they come and the other is married lol the one that is married though we have a strong bond that I wouldn't trade anything for. She tickles my hand, and she lets me cuddle her all the time, and we just spend nights just playing games together, just like when we were in high school. I love her so damn much, and I'll cherish what we have even when we are both dead and gone. She is my forever person.

Sorry, I went into a mini rant about my platonic love, but she's the best, and when I start talking about her, I have to gush lol, but anyways back to my sexuality crisis

So anyways, when there is even a chance of someone having an interest in me, I honestly kind of freak out. Or like if someone tries to set me up with someone, red neon flashing warning signs pop up for me. I don't know that person, and honestly, I get put off by big romantic gestures. Like, I appreciate it, but I don't think it's necessary? Can we just go get McDonald's, sit in the parking lot, and just shoot the shit? Play some games? We can watch movies or shows too.

I've also been on the dating websites and such as well, and I'm just always immediately put off. "Hello beautiful," ugh. "Insert pickup line here." please God why. "Unsolicited romantic or sexual advances right after a day of talking." Haha, no. There was literally one guy I thought was cool and we kinda flirted but it was really just talking everyday about the games we were playing I feel like if given time a connection could of been built but he ended up finding someone else immediately. Which honestly was fine I was kinda bummed but like if he wanted romance immediately, I wasn't gonna be giving that to him. I wanted to still be friends, but apparently, we had "too much history," so he ended up blocking me. lol oh well.

I've also literally only have had two "crushes" in like in a 5 year time span (only because this is what I can remember lol) one of em was so goofy and seemed so fun but then it seems like they turned out to be very self absorbed instantly done the other had baby mama drama wasn't into that. Honestly, those things seem to be things that could be worked through? Maybe? But once I just see something off-putting, it's all I see, which seems more like a personal thing because of past traumas.

As of now I'm honestly content with no romantic relationship but I feel like I do want one but I don't want one with just anyone and it just doesn't seem like many people out there are willing to wait or willing to be friends first and want to hop into relationships immediately when I very much don't. It takes me a while to be comfortable with people, and I want to get to know them as a person.

For a long time I felt like I just wasn't doing things right or that I had to actually change something that I was doing. I thought I was wrong or that I should just force myself into the uncomfortable situation of being someone's girlfriend immediately but then if it turns out I just don't have those romantic feelings then there the whole process of hurting them which is just anxiety inducting.

Also, with all that I'm saying, it does go into the demisexual portion, too. I've still never been with someone sexually because even in the one relationship I have had, I haven't met someone I've trusted to give myself to. The thought of one night stands or anything of the like just makes me wanna crawl into myself. I don't mind anything sexual but I want to be with someone sexually that I trust and care about with my whole being, not some dude Craig or some chick Wendy from Tinder. I'm content with that, but a lot of the times, I'm almost made to feel bad because I haven't done anything sexual. But boy, can I read all the smut on Ao3. Like it all in theory, but dunno about in practice lol I just don't have much of a drive in general, but I don't know if that's just because I've never been with anyone before? I keep getting told, "As soon as you're with someone, your sex drive changes," and like, does that shit really happen? Lol

All in all, I really feel connected to the terms demiromantic and demisexual. Even when I just said I'm bi, it just never felt right, but for once, I feel like I finally found something that I felt connected to and finally found me. But I guess I also wanna feel like I'm right in assuming so? I dunno I feel like it'd be disrespectful in using a label that isn't really you? Which doesn't sound right because everyone has the right to find themselves, and sometimes people go through a list until they finally find themselves, which is what's happening to me right now. But my feelings also just get jumbled up and I have a hard time distinguishing what's been conditioned in me, like how you date, you get into a relationship, ya do couple things, then you get married ect. When all I wanna do is get to know you, really know you, then actually date but even then I feel like a lot of my stuff is more on the platonic end? Like, I like cuddling and kissing, and I do like romance but on a more tame level? I kick my feet when reading "he bought her all these extravagant gifts then he swept her off her feet and dipped her into a kiss" so cute but like if I was actually in that situation like bro put me down for real and I'm so awkward when given gifts lol

I dunno I'd just would really like to discuss this with others who have found themselves because I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this. I've talked to my friends and they of course support me and love me but I feel like they don't really get it? And my family just chalks it up to " Ya just don't have a lot of experience it'll all change when ya get out there and mingle with people"

Thanks in advance for reading all this if ya made it this far I know it's a lot of word vomit as I like to call it but I don't have very organized thoughts and I just kinda write what I'm thinking in the moment lol

[drdemonprince]

Probably a trivial question during a shitty time globally, but I'm going a bit crazy trying to figure this out and need help.

For some reason, people cancel last-minute alarmingly frequently when I host gatherings on days that are extremely important to me. I am talking mainly about my birthday and that of my partner but also a huge milestone graduation do last year was a nightmare as well. Neither I nor my partner have any meaningful relationships with our families anymore due to political differences and rely on our friends for the sense of home and belonging most people get from families.

Except this is a bit of a wasteland, as I struggle to form and maintain close friendships because of how unreliable and disappointing people have been for a while. This is not an individual (although there are a couple of people who I know will cancel every time) but a pattern. Someone will forget to book the right train ticket, another will only lurk on the event group chat and then comment for the first time before the event to say no. One person memorably just said they wanted to keep the option of a weekend gateway open so they could only come to my graduation party if they decided not to do that. Am I missing something here? Is this normal? I need consistency and dependability to feel safe and I feel like people I'd normally choose as friends (witty, nerdy interests, progressive) turn out to be incredibly bad at showing up for me when I need them. A friend I thought was close went completely mum after I graduated and didn't congratulate me at all - after having discussed the degree and its struggles with me for 2 years. Part of me feels like I need to rebuild my circle from scratch and maybe find people I can talk to honestly about my needs from the beginning of the friendship. But it feels so late and desolate to start this process in my mid-thirties. Everyone else has friends they grew up with and who know everything about their lives. Meanwhile, I am at the stage where I have no close friends at all anymore because my needs seem too absurd to even discuss with anyone except my partner, and if I do, I just lose friendships. I remember reading your piece on how to do social things as an autistic person last year and feeling very inspired so I thought I'd reach out to you.

This is all exceedingly, exceedingly normal, especially in the days post COVID for a variety of reasons. When I make plans with people, I assume that roughly 30-75% of the people invited are not going to show up, and I've completely made my peace with that. A friend of mine hosted a movie night a few weeks back, invited I believe around 15 people, and ultimately four showed up, many people being last-minute cancellations or total no shows.

This happens for a variety of reasons. Many people are very socially anxious and decide at the last minute they don't have it in them to show up because they're freaking out. Other people say yes when the event is days or weeks down the line, wanting in the abstract to be there, but then on the actual day of the event, practical daily life constraints are far more visible than they were when the event was just an idea, and so then they have to bail. Other people feel really bad saying no, and so they wait for the last minute to share that they can't make it. And lots of people are so bombarded with notifications on a variety of social media sites and chatting platforms that they just forget all that they've committed to. And then you add into that random illness, flat tires, crying kids, and the like, and you have a lot of reasons why people don't show up to things.

Personally, I have come to accept this. If I go into event planning assuming most people can't make it, my feelings aren't hurt. Every person who does show up is a gift. My invites are an opportunity, a true invitation, not an obligation or an expectation. I don't hurt my feelings in advance by telling myself that I need a high turnout for my birthday or that because I've worked hard making a certain dish for a party (I never actually do that admittedly lol) that a lot of people need to come and eat it.

And I invite people that I like and want to see, over and over again, because I care about them, and I want to show them that I care about them and that I understand they have other things going on and I am not offended that life got in the way for them. I want them to feel loved and included, even if they can't make it. Even the gesture of inviting a person to an event and them showing some interest is a meaningful act of maintaining social connections, for me. And so if they can't make it on the day of, that's fine by me.

I'm 35. My friends are anywhere from 21 to 60-something. People cancel events because of sick kids, broken down cars, long work weeks, depression, double-bookings, writing deadlines, social anxiety, busted ankles, not wanting to see one person they're currently having a difficult situation with, and any number of other factors. If you love people long enough, they get really complicated and their lives get really hard. I find that the most beautiful and friendship-sustaining thing one can do is to not take it personally, because you're going to need that same grace yourself plenty of times. People will drop of the map for months or years sometimes because they're going through hell, and you dont to deprive yourself of being open to reconnection when they're available again.

There's really no need to read anything into the randomness of life. This stuff will happen, so it's rational to expect it, and loving to not mind it too much.

Do you need to make some new friends? Maybe so! I have multiple different friend groups and I think that's healthy. You may find the no-shows less painful if you have more people to lean on. It's always good to form new connections, learn new things about yourself, expand your skills and understanding of the world through new information and experiences. But should you start over, and ditch your friends who are flakey? I don't think so. To be loved is to be sometimes flaked upon (and to flake). In this capitalistic, individualistic hellscape it's vitally important that we extend one another grace.

[soullikethesea]

Tw: mention of suicidal ideation

Feeling a bit melancholic. There is so much good around me and yet I find it so hard to be happy. **spoiled whining below**

It's a weird kind of flashback-like thing that's happening. Things felt disconnected with the friend who came to stay over and it was nice, but sometimes it just also felt really sad or annoying. Which makes something in me freak out, and then I feel like I should just end my life because I can't do normal people things and the loneliness will probably always be there.

It's very much black and white thinking.

I think my lack of happiness is also annoying to other people. I totally get that. It's just a bit unfair, I think, if I'd have to mask it further away than I already do automatically.

And this makes me feel spoiled as well... and it's also tied up with that feeling around people thinking I'm younger than I am. Like I'm inadequate and small and lost. Like I'm freezing in place and it makes people think that I can't do things or am not worth respecting.

I've been reading/watching more stories lately and I feel really drawn to the ones about witches and vampires - where they have to hide who they are and that is the central theme. I feel like I have to hide who I am, because I am simultaneously too much and not good enough.

Even though I turn 30 next year, it will probably take 10 more years before I'll actually look 30. And some people would see this as a blessing and laugh about it. It's just, it pairs with not receiving respect. It sucks that most advice to look older is "be very comfortable in your own skin and with taking up space". Great. The other advice is to dress up more, which clashes with Fox and Mae's wishes to be quite androgynous. Lucas is fine with it, which is interesting to me. He said: "I think wearing a skirt could be elegant and masculine, even though others may not perceive it that way."

At some point I showed my friend my full-make up face and asked if it helped, but he couldn't see a difference between that and my normal face. -_-" (Trust me, there is a difference). Putting on very bold make-up is not exactly helpful, I think. But apparently I need to go bolder - or it's really just hopeless. My face just looks so young & I'm short, athletic and androgynous, so my body looks that way too. I also need a lot of sleep every night and enjoy eating healthy foods. Never really smoked or drank, avoid the sun because it's sensory hell. And my mother and grandmother also always looked young, so it's definitely also genes.

One of those situations where I should just say fuck it, and not care so much. Enjoy the good things that are there. "Ring the bells that still can ring, there is a crack in every thing..."

I also contacted my old T and we'll meet up sometime in September. I'm not sure why I asked for that. Maybe it was just to test whether her promise that I could always come over for tea was an actual promise.

Current T made me think of her when she commented last time that when I write her emails, they are "fascinating" to read. (Gross). She said that when you are further removed from the pain and suffering - it gets fascinating. My old T also used to say things like that. It's weird to me. Current T said that it's also about *how* I write, that the style is very pleasant to read. Which makes it perhaps even weirder?

But that is somehow connected to this flashback with the suicidal ideation - one of the wishes has always been to write or draw a book (before being gone from this Earth). So strange how it's all connected in a weird web.

[sugoi-and-spice]

I want to hear your director cut on your beach episode (aka the company Pool party)

Ooooh glad you specified since there are technically two beach episodes in this series (so far lmao).

I assume you're talking about Chapter 8: Sink or Float

And what a fun choice!

First little Director's Note, I 100% came up with this chapter concept and wrote it all, forgetting how weather works. And that maybe a waterpark luncheon in NOVEMBER actually was kind of a stupid concept.

This didn't bump me when I was first writing it, because I'm born and raised in Southern California - Amusement Parks and outdoor pools don't close seasonally here. Technically I think the bigger water parks like Hurricane Harbor and Raging Waters close in October through December, but a lot of the smaller local ones stay open year round. And the outdoor pools certainly do too.

(I actually only found out that Amusement Parks close seasonally at all when I tried to go to Coney Island in November about two years ago... Whoops lol)

Shit's a lot colder in Tokyo in the fall though - trust me, I've experienced it.

So I flirted very heavily with the idea of scrapping the episode, which was really devastating since I had a lot of fun with the scenario, and I think the episode has some of the finest Shigaraki/MC banter in the fic.

But then I remembered that there are a lot of indoor amusement parks, and specifically waterparks in Japan, so it worked out!

(You have Ouran High School Host Club to thank for that reminder, lol)

Next Director's note! Back when Play Nice was only going to be about a 10 to 15 chapter fic, this chapter was actually earlier in the lineup - it was originally Chapter 6. I actually wrote it before the current Chapter 7: Getting Steamy, and the current Chapter 6: Struck a Nerve was originally slotted to take place after the water park episode.

Buuuut, when I was reading it all together (Chapter 1 to Chapter 6).... ehh, it just didn't feel right. It felt like this playful banter and more friendly, teasing dynamic between the two of them was happening just a little too quick. So I swapped chapter orders, and speed-wrote Getting Steamy in about 3 days so that I could still make my upload schedule (lol, remember when I had a biweekly upload schedule?)

Truthfully, re-reading the series now, I wonder if the shift in their dynamic still happens a little too fast. If I were to do this fic all over again, I'd probably add a couple more chapters between Sink or Float and Chapter 10: Tomurau, extend the exploitation dynamic for longer, and add a few more of the relationship-shifting moments between the two. Buuuut, I also was really freaking excited for Tomurau (which is still one of my favorite chapters), and I also had so much fun writing a friendly/teasing dynamic between the two in Sink or Float, I think I was eager to do more of that, so I get why I made the decision that I did at the time. Oh well! You live and you learn!

Another director's note about this chapter - I changed the ending of it about three different times lol.

There definitely was originally a locker room sex scene, and then in another version, the episode ended with MC storming out on Shigaraki, rather than him storming out on her, but ultimately, I decided that this final version was the best way to keep up the theme of vulnerability that I was building in this chapter, as well as to develop sympathy from MC throughout, that would serve as a better turning point in their relationship, rather than a brief moment of understanding that is ruined by Shigaraki's horniness. When I had that version written, it just felt like it set them back too much in their relationship, realistically. It also would've doubled the chapter length (like that matters now though, hello my new standard of 30 page chapters 😅)

So yeah! Those are my big Director's Notes on Chapter 8: Sink or Float!

This was a lot of fun to write and reflect on, considering this Chapter came out, gosh, coming up on two years ago now. (WTF?!)

So yeah, if this was interesting to y'all, feel free to send me other chapters or fics that you'd like to hear some commentary on! Original prompt is here!

[rainintheevening]

Obi-Wan and Anakin, 80.

Writing this to avoid another thing.

From 100 Ways to say I love you.

Modern AU, some angst, mostly brotherly feels. Anakin is mid-20s, so Obi-Wan is late 30s. I hope this mostly explains itself, it's 2 am. Also @ablatheringblatherskite, welcome to that au I mentioned.

80. "Is your seat belt on?"

He called Obi-Wan on his way out of Dallas, windshield wipers keeping a regular tempo, the cell connection crackling with each flash of lightning.

"Ani?" Even on a tinny speaker phone, his big brother's voice sounded strong and warm. "How did it go?"

He sighed, sat back, tucked the phone into his shirt pocket, so he could keep both hands on the wheel. A lump swelled in his throat, and he wished he was home in Galaxy already.

"It wasn't her." Rip the bandaid off... "I think I knew when I saw her. Her story didn't line up either; her son would have been older than me, by a few years."

A brief silence, Obi-Wan searching for words no doubt. "You won't bother with blood tests?"

"Nah."

For a moment Anakin wanted to be angry, but at who or what, he didn't know. Certainly not his first mother, wherever she was, who must still think him dead. Nor Dad and Mom, who had only believed they did a good thing in making Anakin theirs, which they had.

Certainly not Padmé who had been crushed to see her lead turn out to be no lead at all. And certainly not Obi-Wan, who he knew would try to go to bed, but lie awake until Anakin pulled into the drive, and then would come down to the kitchen and make hot chocolate like Dad used to.

Thinking about who he wasn't angry with, made him not want to think about who he should be angry with, and he shook his head.

"I'm sorry, Ani." Obi-Wan’s voice was almost unbearably gentle, and Anakin had to bite his tongue to hold back the sudden burn of tears. Later.

"Yeah," he choked out.

"What time do you think you'll make it back?"

A glance at the clock on the radio. "One. Ish." He cleared his throat. "As long as traffic stays clear. Which it probably won't with this rain."

"Well, drive safely, okay? Is your seat belt on?"

Anakin huffed, rolled his eyes a little. "Yes, Mom."

It had been once, seriously! Well, maybe a few other times, but he'd only gotten a ticket once. And that was only back home in Galaxy, not on a freaking freeway!

"Don't roll your eyes while you're driving." That was Obi-Wan's teacher voice.

"But you do sound just like Mom."

A brief silence, then Obi-Wan sighed. "I bet she heard that in Heaven."

Anakin grinned suddenly, swinging into the left lane to get past the fountain flying up from a semi's wheels. "She'd be proud of you."

Again a silence. "I have tried." Obi-Wan’s voice was low, almost as if he spoke to himself more than Anakin. "I've done my best to raise you, like they would have."

Aw, shoot, Anakin was going to cry again. It hadn't been easy, he knew. After the accident, Obi-Wan had been everything for him—mother, father, brother, best friend.

A deep ache of love welled up in his chest, and he found himself smiling, smiling like he wasn't tired, and hopeless, and emotionally drained. He spoke the words without thinking about them.

"I had my birth mom for three years. I had Dad and Mom for eight. But I can't remember not having you. You’ve always been there, and I'll never need a piece of paper to tell me you're my family. Nothing, not even death can change that."

Obi-Wan took even longer to respond this time, giving Anakin enough time to feel heat creeping up his neck, his admittedly dramatic statement seeming to hang awkwardly in the air. He tried to focus on driving, and told himself it didn't matter, because every word was true.

"You're worth it."

Now Anakin let himself groan, and he eased uo on the gas. "Okay, brother, save it for when I get home." He swiped the back of his hand across his eyes. "Don't want to crash because you started cutting onions."

Obi-Wan’s chuckle sounded a little forced. "Of course. I should go, anyway. Get back to grading papers. And remember, if you get sleepy, pull over and take a nap!"

"Yeah, I will."

"Call me if you need anything."

Anakin sighed. "Okay, Obi."

Now the smile in his voice sounded natural. "I love you, little brother."

The exchange was an old one, worn soft like a good t-shirt. "I love you too, big brother."

Nothing else, no bother with 'goodbye', just the call-end noise.

Anakin flipped on the radio to the country station, tossed his phone on the passenger seat. Took a sip of his coffee.

He hoped the drive would pass quickly. He hoped he wouldn't have to go in late to work in the morning.

He did give his seat belt a tug. You know, just to check.

[hanarchy]

Hi friends, I illegally logged into tumblr on my work computer on the first working day of 2023 specifically to make this post properly. I don't have a good computer and I simply could not do this on my phone.

Ok, Time to get emo :)

I discovered SKZ at the end of last year, I personally date my anniversary to somewhere between December 29th 2021 and January 2nd 2022. It's a good thing too because I get overemotional at the end of the year anyway and now I can just schedule all my gratitude and emo times at the same time.

I want to start from the beginning bc the only reason 2022 was a good year for me was this discovery. this is a bit of recap for me because I wanted to do it. If you're tagged in it it means that you played a part in my year and meant something to me. Feel free to only read your little paragraphs (or nothing at all, theres no obligation), this is bound to get unspeakably long.

first, I want to give a quick shout out to the people I started talking to/followed more recently @hyunpic (I haven's checked twitter today, did hyunjin kill you yet or did he get all of that out of the way in 2022?) @mybodyfails (did u ever listen to stromae?) @jisungsjaistandjeekies (how was the first day of your new job?) The best thing about getting another year on tumblr is the promise of getting to know you all more <3

@quokki you were literally the first person I ever followed for stray kids content. It was around february, when I looked for fanart for the first time and reactivated my twitter and I found your hannies. It took a little longer but I'm so glad we are friends now. I really love our chats/meltdowns abt hanji and you're incredibly talented and kind and also just correct abt a lot of stuff lmao

@alexenglish alex, I know we don't talk that much but you were the first person to really talk to me abt k-pop stuff and I will never forget that. I also cannot thank you enough for showing me rolling quartz and for reading the stupid thing that i wrote that one time. it seems trivial but i literally do not show anyone my writing ever and anytime I do and it's a good experience it makes me a little braver so thank you, seriously. and also thank you for sticking around even when I'm a dick

my first comeback in march was soso special because I had people to freak out with. I was in Ireland at the time and even hough I was brand new in online stayville I felt a lot less alone than I could've.

in april i started talking to @sailsflyseaward but I honestly can't believe it has only been 9 months. We've met 3! times since then and you're already one of my most precious online friends and I feel like I've known you way longer. I have to try very hard to stay cynical and not believe in fate and the universe being a good place when I think about how we could've just never met.

I was EXHAUSTED the first 4 months of this year, I hated most of it. I turned 30 in april, i had been to ireland and to the north sea on vacation in march and april but all of it felt hollow and exhausting and terrible. In germany we say that may makes everything anew and it certainly was true for me this year. I planned a trip to toronto, I got a raise, I got to see mamamoo, ive and a bunch of others live and i spoke a little to so so many sweet people.

@nevoono who makes literally the cutest fucking things ever and was my first german k-pop friend ever and also is just... really cool in such a unique way. idk I'm sorry I'm terrible at keeping up.

to @ambivartence who I don't talk to a ton but who also is literally the coolest artist alive and made me feel very happy to know that others also travel very far to see their groups. I stare at your paintings so much, i honestly should not admit it but there's just always so much to see.

and to @pvddins-art who is one of the sweetest and kindest and most generous people I've ever met, which is a high bar because I use those words for a lot of people, but for you they are more true than for anyone.

getting to go to a k-pop festival in germany as my first experience was so good too. I really had no idea what it means to ba a k-pop fan and the whole community and culture and incredible vibes around it when you're there in person. I had a very exhausting day and it was hot as hell and I had a migraine after but it was all worth it

interlude because I don't remember when I started talking to you:

@brianbangs tay my sweetheart, i love you so much. you're just one of the people who get it. like. idk, it's hard for me to put into words properly but you get it when I'm being a hater and you get it when I'm being emotional and you get it when I'm being horny and you accept all of it. I also think you're really fucking creative and talented and I love being here with you so much

then june came and it was one of my best months ever ever. I went to another festival and got to relive the music I loved as a teen. seeing the strokes 16 years after I was a fan made me cry a lot lol. I went to see my favorite people alive @starmotions, @fromadifferentphase (and the third one who is missing but u know who u are) in toronto. and I do mean this literally you're my favorites. I'm the most me when I'm with you, I think of everyone who knows me no one knows me so completely. there isn't anyone I share more parts of myself with. the 1 week I just got to hang out with you was so incredibly precious to me, it made me power through most of the rest of the year. moments of joy! I got to see toronto and got to spend time with people I love. one of my friends came all the way from salt lake city just to see me.

then I went to new york and now there's a long ass list coming because 1. it was the first time I met my beloved julia, 2. it was when i met my beloved kay 3. i got to travel with my beloved di and we got to explore new york and eat so many tacos and learn about queer art and history and also it was when I met both

@chanstopher and @lonelystreetlight and I'm puting you both in the same paragraph bc I started talking to both of you at the same time and also discovered that we're literally the same tumblr user, I cannot believe that I found the old 1D crowd again and the old glee crowd AND even the old starkid people. ok, I had to google the songs from the space tour just now but it's insane that I could text someone about both status quo by starkid AND zone by 3racha.

and lastly it was OF COURSE when i fucking saw fucking stray kids in fucking person (sorry) I was so numb from everything going on, and from the heat and from newark airport that I didn't even cry but looking back on it I honestly can't even begin to believe how lucky I was to be able to do all of that in just one month.

july was the month I went to see harry styles (meh) and hang out with an old friend because of it (yay) and I have literally nothing else in my calender for the entire month but I know I was a bit stressed. however I don't think it was a terrible time.

In august I went to the south of germany on vacation to celebrat my moms birthday, we went to the opera outdoors and I felt extremely fancy the entire time and also saw so many flowers. then we started the stayblr discord.

@snug-gyu @hanjesungs @ggthydrangea @littleclouds @shmalll @babychicklix and everyone else in there! I am so glad it's a space to hang out and message each other and talk about skz. I know I left very quickly (unfortunately group situations are terrible for my mental health and I felt very bad very quickly) but I still got to start chatting with so many cool people and I'm always so happy that we did that.

@bangchanies king of the dumpster that is new jersey, my absolute favorite eyeshadow model and another one of the bitches that just get it, u know? you just get what I'm trying to say and I am grateful to have you to text when I want to be annoying. (you're also secretly incredibly sweet and I think you're honestly just a very kind and empathetic person and i would be sadder without you but i will not tell anyone that you're secretly nice)

@cheekyquokka even though you're not IN the server, I feel like we started really talking around the same time so you're getting put in here as well. you're so generous and sweet to your friends, I remember the surprise and amazement from both bee and ale at the packages you sent them, you're such a great fucking mutual to have because you know yourself and you make really cool gifs, every time one of yours comes across my dash i know it. idek why. anyway, thank you <3

around september was when I finally started the group chat and seven made it complete, so here comes that bit. I needed to make sure you all know how much you mean to me.

@bourgeoix I swear in some off-kilter way we are soulmates. you make both my fandom brain and the little kid that didn't know popstars but could draw the shape of gorbachevs blood spot feel at home. you're soooo fucking smart and we have like debated moral philosophy and learning and reasoning styles at length so I won't go into it but it's one of those amazing fated coincidences that we both befriended seven and then each other. you think it's cool that I live near to Olaf Scholz's barbershop. you're my favorite of all the nerds. I could read the stuff you write for years and years and never get bored. I need to eat your brain (as jace or seven would say) and I love that we get to be both smart and very very very dumb together.

@hyumjim I honestly cannot top what mel said but you're like. my only grown up friend. You genuinely have a patience and kindness with people that is really hard to find. I know you don't show this to everyone but it makes me all the more grateful that I get to experience it. you're also insane. when seven first added you to the gc I had sth to say that felt really crazy to me and was nervous in front of you and seven said 'emily is also insane' and so i posted it in the gc and now we're friends. i don't remember what it was but you gave great advice and i sort of feel like we disagree and fight in all the ways that makes a relationship better and you make me insecure but in a fun way. you're a huge hater and yet you genuinely love people and humanity more than most people alive. thank you for listening to me.

@jellino jace idek how to describe you but you're like....... my little brother but not in a lame way. you're also older than me in some ways. idk, I just love how much you love stuff. I love how sure you are of what you're not, even while always wondering what you are. I think of you so much when I see sea creatures and ice age characters and dumb stuff. the other day I saw a squirrel irl and i thought 'I have to send this to jace' bc it reminded me of scrat from ice age. i cannot look at a penguin without thinking about you. I don't think I'll ever go to a zoo and not think of you. I also am always hoping that you are ok, that you find your way, that you know I'm happy and proud to know you...

@bewby my love. seven. I think it will never not be complicated how much I love you because I want you to be ok so bad. but it doesn't matter if you are or not for me to love you a whole lot. you're so funny and so smart and I say neither of these things lightly, like you have such a quick wit and you want everyone to be ok so bad and you love people so much and i hope that some day you will know that it is enough and you are enough. meeting you that one time was so fun, like we literally did not need more than a half hour to find sooo much stuff to talk about. I love having a german kpoppie friend, I love your tender heart, I love how understanding you are! I hope you know how much!

honestly it's all 4 of you that got me through fall and winter so far, it's venting and bitching and joking and writing insanely long messages to you that make me feel like a human instead of a gremlin. It's knowing that you like me and think I'm someone you want to listen to. You mean so much to me, I can never pay that back.

so much happened in my personal k-pop world in october PLUS most of my friends had their birthdays too so it was a bit stressful and it ended with my great uncle dying but i did get to see my old friends and family, so it was good in the end.

november was cold and dark as always but i got to feel so much warmth in scotland, just spending a few days going to museums and coffeeshops and nothing else and then seeing my love julia for the scond time, learning about history and eating pies. then I went to london to see @sunflowercocoa again after 5 fucking years and it was so much fun. I know you know how much I love you, I had such a good time, thank you for being my friend. Thank you for making me leave the house, thank you for being generous and fun and spending time with me. I know you're strong enough to get through the next year or so and I know you're gonna be so happy and so successful and you have a great life ahead. I know you're not here much anymore and that it kind of annoys you but you were a big part of this year and this is like my diary at this point tbh.

i also met @geniaparadox my homie and so much fun to hang out with. honestly our day together kind of made me wish i could've gotten to hang out with you in high school, i feel like we would have been friends. thank you for talking to me abt how underrated felix is and for looking at the bts stuff in hmv and despair because being a k-pop fan in europe is very sad and for buying japanese tea and just being cool. i am so happy that you get to not go back to that job

december was november but worse but I started it off sososo well, seeing julia the 3rd time and going to nuremberg and munich and being slightly tipsy at the christmas market everywhere and going swing dancing for the first time and trying so many fun food and drink things. It was a sad and anxiety-inducing month because so many people I know were ill or dying but in the end we mostly made it through and I am grateful. I got to spend the end of the year surrounded by babies and puppies and it felt good to not have to deal with grown-up things for a few days and just play.

[mlobsters]

supernatural s1e1 pilot (w. eric kripke)

(this is a rewatch, so spoilers abound)

because my brain is jacked up, i'm weirdly anxious about rewatching the show even though that's been The Plan for months. i watched 15x20 a week (plus) ago and every time i think about starting over at the pilot and writing them up proper like i did around s4-5 onward, my chest kind of clenches up and i look for literally anything else to do. i am worried about having feelings that i'm not prepared to deal with. which is fucking ridiculous.

hold onto your butts, this is gonna be a long fucking post

i've mentioned before that babies in peril is my number 1 hard stop on media -- i stopped watching killing eve mid-episode because of one and never went back to it (i intended to but never happened, brain weasels make everything hard.) so i know the very first time i tried to watch spn (several years ago) i almost turned it off because of little baby sam. that first attempt at watching i wasn't actually fully paying attention, i had it on while i was doing other things and so i missed all the character stuff and only saw it as kind of a mid horror schlocky situation so i never finished the first season back then. when i gave it another go in early 2023, i was giving it my full attention.

one thing this show always got? the cutest, happiest, sweetest babies. 10/10 would recommend

already freaking out how young everyone is and happy clean shaven john is extra wild

demon growl sound effect / padalecki's accent & jerk bitch moment

hey, it's the first instance of the demon growl noise when mary's burning on the ceiling! ooh i'm gonna be even more insufferable about the musical score and sound effects now that i'm listening for it from the jump

also i have called padalecki's accent/speech pattern the crispy r based on some tiktok i heard describing it that way - i associate it with california (but these clips are almost the opposite where the R is getting almost eliminated but not in the boston accent way), and i'd say maybe it was a choice but i think he spoke this way in gilmore girls too? but anyway, his Rs are just very different and it's a very particular and kind of subtle accent that definitely doesn't carry through the entire series ("bear it" in the second clip, the "sorry" in the third). i mentioned it when they had a clip of a moment from 1x10 as well in the pre-ep recap for 5x09

really well done and effective effects on that fire in the nursery

♥️💔

so this picture made it out of the lawrence fire (it was on mary's nightstand) but not the stanford one? i don't recall it being in the collection

i never really understood where sam was supposed to be timeline-wise in college, other than he must not have graduated because it was october? so there's me googling when you take the LSAT. so he could have (assuming it hasn't changed that much since 2005) taken it in june or october of the calendar year before he graduated. all right so that makes sense now that i think about it for more than 30 seconds. so he didn't finish his last year really of his bachelor's. and he's 22. i think in that alex irvine john winchester diary novel thing (don't think that that's considered canon but that's a whole other can of worms), it said sam graduated high school at 19 instead of 18 so i think that would make things line up (someone made a timeline that also includes everything in that novel but the post is loudly wncest dni so i won't link it). i do know it was just a mistake that the pilot said sam had been gone 2 years.

the ever useful canon discrepancies article at superwiki:

One of the most frequently debated potential canon discrepancies. Here are the facts: - In the 1.01 Pilot, Sam is about to be interviewed for law school, which could work on the assumption that he's just about to finish a bachelor degree (4 years). Dean also says that he hasn't spoken to Sam in "nearly two years." - In 1.03 Dead in the Water, Dean tells Sam that he spent "Every day for two years with Dad, while you were going to pep rallies." - In 1.07 Hook Man, Dean says "So this is how you spent four good years of your life, huh?" when they are researching in the library. - The original promo dates Mary's death to September 13, 1985, consistent with Sam being twenty and having been at Stanford for two years but out of step with everything else in the series. Eric Kripke acknowledged during a panel at the 2006 William S. Paley Television Festival that they made a mistake in the script -- initially Sam was meant to be 20, then they aged him up to 22, but neglected to change Dean's line from "two years" to "four years." Therefore, it may have been the creators' intention that Sam has been at college for four years.

this is gonna take me approximately forever to rewatch episodes 🤪

keeping my eye out for hands for drawing. have a general idea of getting something early seasons to go in the set with the 15x20 hands.

SAM Yeah? When I told Dad I was scared of the thing in my closet, he gave me a .45. DEAN Well, what was he supposed to do? SAM I was nine years old! He was supposed to say, don't be afraid of the dark.

classic john

SAM Yeah, I know, but still. The way we grew up, after Mom was killed, and Dad's obsession to find the thing that killed her. SAM But we still haven't found the damn thing. So we kill everything we can find. DEAN We save a lot of people doing it, too.

one thing i'm thinking about is how i definitely was under the impression that they really didn't know any other hunters until they start getting mentioned here and there (dropping bits of backstory about working jobs with xyz while sam was at school etc), and that they barely knew anything about demons. so i'm curious to see how much of that is me misremembering

SAM You think Mom would have wanted this for us? The weapon training, and melting the silver into bullets? Man, Dean, we were raised like warriors. DEAN So what are you gonna do? You're just gonna live some normal, apple pie life? Is that it? SAM No. Not normal. Safe. DEAN And that's why you ran away. SAM I was just going to college. It was Dad who said if I was gonna go I should stay gone. And that's what I'm doing.

classic john x2. i know it's the pilot, i know they're bombing us with backstory like they need to, but i'm just like. everything about this ends up being pretty essential to understanding them and how they were raised it's so much 😩

DEAN I can't do this alone. SAM Yes you can. DEAN Yeah, well, I don't want to.

excuse me while my heart breaks into little bits. i knew that line in 15x20 was a callback to this, and it was heartbreaking then too. well actually it makes feel slightly ill rereading that scene from the finale. too emotionally invested

DEAN It started happening more and more, so Dad went to go dig around. That was about three weeks ago. I hadn't heard from him since, which is bad enough. DEAN Then I get this voicemail yesterday. He presses play. The recording is staticky and the signal was clearly breaking up. JOHN Dean...something big is starting to happen...I need to try and figure out what's going on. It may... Be very careful, Dean. We're all in danger.

so he coulda like. told dean he was ditching him for his safety in this sketchy vague voicemail, but then of course we wouldn't have them chasing him down with quite the same mystery. it's just kind of comical.

like this post puts it:

spn season 1 is so funny. they made the main plot line finding sam and dean’s missing father. but like. the guys not missing. he’s just avoiding them.

i'm sure (i hope???) every rewatch post isn't going to turn into a dissertation like this. good grief

hey. i was gonna mention that music was quite inoffensive and not bad at all and was about give old jay a pat on the back, but no! it's christopher lennertz lol. my ear always knows. so that's the originator of the demon growl sound

SAM It's the greatest hits of mullet rock. DEAN Well, house rules, Sammy. Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole. SAM You know, Sammy is a chubby twelve-year-old. SAM It's Sam, okay?

i mean so many classic interactions i can't handle it. also, real shame netflix didn't/wouldn't get the licensing for the music originally aired. i have the blurays but i'm down a functional bluray player so here i am, watching on netflix with shitty replacement music yet again. that scene should have had ramblin man and back in black. travesty. back when they splashed out for the good licensed music (and i usually was on board with lennertz's selections)

the comment about them being a little young for federal marshals (also in their kinda scruffy clothes lol) and wikipedia says:

Marshals Service hiring is competitive and comparable to the selection process for Special Agent positions in agencies with similar duties. Typically fewer than five percent of qualified applicants are hired [citation needed] and must possess at a minimum a four-year bachelor's degree or competitive work experience (which is usually three or more years at a local or state police department).

so i mean, sounds like it's doable! barely. (i'm not even halfway through the episode lol)

stepping on dean's foot, smacking sam's head. very good sibling stuff

meanwhile we're gonna pop jackles in some bomb ass golden hour lighting so we can get his pretty, pretty face looking even prettier. lighting doesn't match any other part of the scene, but if you can get them lit up in it, we're using it!

SHERIFF Can I help you boys? DEAN No, sir, we were just leaving. As the FBI AGENTS walk past DEAN, he nods at each of them. DEAN Agent Mulder. Agent Scully.

respect to the og (that was the show of my youth and my forever otp and also my first impression of sam and dean's relationship was mid-run mulder and scully)

s1e1 r.d. call as sheriff pierce / the x-files s1e18 as sheriff daniels

oh! and this sheriff was a sheriff in an xfiles episode, that's even better! that's brilliant. love to see it

those jeans and before dean had his signature logger boots which i didn't apparently really notice until s6

DEAN Yeah, Troy told us about you. We're his uncles. I'm Dean, this is Sammy.

uncles??? lol

another thing i remember really liking is these random girls aren't like.. tv pretty makeup. they're just random gothy girls with stark harsh eye makeup and lipstick and matte heavier foundation. like real people do! it just makes it feel more grounded in reality to me when not everyone's makeup is tv-perfect

y'all. look at this! so i have talked a lot about the computer stuff, whenever there's a screen (in any show i'm watching) i'll pause and check out the veracity. teen wolf had laughably fake web page mockups. and one thing i do recall noticing in this episode was real webpage urls! and even in the printouts which comes later. which they did not do consistently in spn seasons after this at all until much later

classic. truly. more smacks and shoves. it's okay, sammy. i also am a little bit of a control freak especially when it comes to computer stuff. JUST LET ME DO IT.

DEAN Monday. Right. The interview. SAM Yeah. DEAN Yeah, I forgot. You're really serious about this, aren't you? You think you're just going to become some lawyer? Marry your girl? SAM Maybe. Why not? DEAN Does Jessica know the truth about you? I mean, does she know about the things you've done? SAM No, and she's not ever going to know. DEAN Well, that's healthy. You can pretend all you want, Sammy. But sooner or later you're going to have to face up to who you really are.

dean's got a point there. which reminds me, did blurry wife know the truth? i remember there was some blurb about the story behind sam's kid having the anti-possession tattoo

wiki to the rescue

Though Sam's son has an anti-possession tattoo on his arm, there are no other signs of hunting in Sam's life after he leaves the Bunker. Jared confirmed at the November StageIt panel that Sam has not been hunting "in honor of Dean" because Dean wouldn't have wanted him to, but that Sam did tell his son about hunting and about his Uncle Dean, and that the decision to get the tattoo was Dean II's.

so probably yes?

(hands)

SAM And who's that? DEAN You're one of us. SAM No. I'm not like you. This is not going to be my life. DEAN You have a responsibility to— SAM To Dad? And his crusade? If it weren't for pictures I wouldn't even know what Mom looks like. And what difference would it make? Even if we do find the thing that killed her, Mom's gone. And she isn't coming back.

oh, sam. these early days he was chafing so hard against what other people wanted him to do. also relatable. and if only we knew about mary🥴

sam enjoying dean's predicament

SAM Salt, cat's eye shells…he was worried. Trying to keep something from coming in.

cat's eye shells?? don't think that ever got mentioned again

LOL okay, so the url isn't perfect 😂 missing forward slashes and no underscores in domain names, but they tried!!

huh. another family picture i don't recall seeing again. kind of backwards, longer brown hair on supposedly dean and short lighter hair on supposedly sam

so did dean grab john's leather jacket at this point? since he showered and changed in john's motel room. i hadn't thought about that. huh

SAM You can't kill me. I'm not unfaithful. I've never been! CONSTANCE You will be. Just hold me.

i know this comes up in fic periodically but i don't think that went anywhere, like the cat's eye shells

LOL i didn't remember that the woman in white resolution was her ghostly murdered children conveniently take her out

DEAN Hey, if we shag ass we could make it by morning. SAM Dean, I, um... DEAN You're not going. SAM The interview's in like, ten hours. I gotta be there. DEAN Yeah. Yeah, whatever. I'll take you home.

there's so many moments in this episode that i've seen in gifs and didn't realize were all from the pilot. but it's really interesting to me to see how like.. the show really kind of pushed how much dean needed/wanted sam and sam was resisting, and how i think it really set up dean as the more "likeable" character initially, along with showing off his pretty face and charm and all that. on a brain-characterization level, i always relate more to sam but i was definitely charmed by dean initially.

SAM Call me if you find him? SAM And maybe I can meet up with you later, huh? DEAN Yeah, all right. DEAN Sam? DEAN You know, we made a hell of a team back there. SAM Yeah.

the only thing that i think makes this episode not quite paced right is how they crammed jess dying at the end and the we've got work to do thing. it felt really rushed and slapped on. but other than that, what a great pilot. ranks up there with the hannibal pilot

[ohhowilovethemso]

I hate Valentine's Day

Well, maybe not hate... I just really don't like it. For me it's a reminder of my anxious attachments and broken hearts. The times I've loved someone so hard and yet again left unrequited.

I've been seeing someone recently, the last couple months. They make me smile and feel attractive. Not to mention they are a bit more dominant than people I have dated in the past. :P Which honestly is such a nice change from what I'm used to. Ever since coming out a few years ago I've been going for more "bottom" leaning people. Which is cool and all, but I need a little more of someone else taking charge in my life.

My job requires me to be so strong, smart, independent, and being in charge... I just want to come home and have someone make decisions for me. Even just little things like what to eat for dinner.

Being Poly also often can make valentine's day a little challenging. Trying to plan things with multiple partners, be respectful of your metas, etc.

But anyways back to the person I've been seeing. lol. They brought me my FAVORITE flowers over to my house when we saw each other the couple days before Vday. They wanted to run around and do the things that I like. For instance I love roaming antique shops and thrifting. They suggested those things! Do you know how freaking happy that makes me? One of my last partners I was with for 2 years NEVER set foot into an antique store with me...

Then on the actual holiday I spent it alone and I slept most of the day so I could avoid existing. I had a mental breakdown seeing things on tiktok and was yet again reminded of ALL the love I've given over the years. How I'm almost 30 and have had my heart broken too many damn times. How I just want someone who wants me as much or hell, even more than I do them.

I'm hoping things turn out well with this new partner of mine. I care for them very much and absolutely love their spouse. Hoping for better Vdays to come. lol

[pythiaswine]

[productivity rant] [personal but it might resonate with other students and ND people]

as a general rule, any day i choose leisure over productivity basically ruins the whole day and that sometimes snowballs into ruining the week etc etc. but when i do even just ONE task i feel a little better and i'm able to continue it. didn't do anything all day besides pick up my clothes? that's okay <3 tomorrow i'll do more. i self-discipline but i conserve enough energy and treat myself so things that i HAVE to do (go to work, do my homework) i get done and things that i "should" do (laundry, dishes) i may put off but i feel good enough about having gotten my other stuff done that i feel energized into doing it.

a year ago, and even 3 months ago, i used to get so overwhelmed by everything i had to do that i'd cry and shut down and do nothing. i smoked marijuana to ignore my responsibilities and the consequences of not doing them. i've even drank and smoked and vaped nicotine for similar effects (rewriting my reward/dopamine system to not hate myself for being "lazy").

since the semester began, i've kept up the momentum. i made myself a schedule so as not to overwhelm myself unnecessarily (it helps!!), i got a new job as i had quit mine shortly after i stopped smoking November 2021 - that said, i work somewhere corporate now instead of at a franchise that scheduled me when I wasn't available. i attend my classes every week and do the work before the due-date, and once when i missed an assignment in one class, i did it late and turned it in anyway rather than decide not to do it all. that in particular has taught me i can't use procrastination as a means of getting out of the work, like i used to. it makes sense to me now to do the work before it's due rather than put it off hoping it'll disappear. eating meals has helped me stay in-tune with my schedules. i have coffee every morning (as a ritual), i eat breakfast, i make lunch when i can and if i can't i eat at work, and i eat before getting ready for bed. food has been a comfort to my emotions for years and now i'm ritualizing it to 1. make sure i energize my body and 2. routine!!!! aghhh routine my beloved.

at work, i make sure i take breaks. company policy is to take a paid 15 for every 4 hours and a 30-minute meal break before it's been 6 hours. at my old job, we didn't do meal breaks which is literally illegal but we could take two 15's if we wanted/needed. i got so burnt out because i never took meal breaks! at this job, i am required to take multiple breaks if my shift is over 5 hours. my coworkers and the team-leads are SO great about it. i don't feel guilty for taking breaks.

i also work somewhere i love. it took a few jobs, but i actually love it where i work. i get paid above minimum wage, it's corporate, and i'm barista-ing inside of a bigger store (you can probably guess where i work). i'm good at what i do, i like doing it, and i genuinely enjoy making customers happy when i'm there. when i'm overwhelmed, i don't ever get to that breaking point where i feel like i might freak out (due in part to my own self-work, quitting smoking, etc) but it's also because of getting breaks and knowing i'm safe, valued, and supported at my job. i can't speak for other stores but the ETLs where I work make me feel valued. it's important to find a job you like even if it's one you're working while in college or as a place-holder job until you work somewhere better, and that's not possible for everyone so i feel very lucky. it's made all the difference.

i find time for my friends! that's another thing. it's soo important for me to hang out with my #1 when he and i have schedules that allow it, and i've been keeping in touch with others rather than isolating myself. i go to school events when i can, get out by myself when i must. i went to a party this past weekend and hung out with people i don't normally hang with, hosted by a couple i haven't seen in a few years because we fell out and they had a friggin kid!! i got to see their life, their home, their adorable baby, and be a part of the scene catching up with all these other people i used to hang out with in high school. before one of my closer friends went out of state for university, she threw a party i was nervous about going to and i went and had a great time talking to people i didn't normally talk to, outside of my comfort zone.

ignore the weird paragraph breaks because i'm on mobile and can't figure out how to fix them, but this has been my quick little vent about how i balance all the stuff i'm doing. whenever i feel down about my worth or overwhelmed by the workload, i remind myself that i am a student working two jobs and a babysitting gig on top of classes, costuming for a show, and still finding time for appointments, events, and hobbies. i'm killing it out here. i've come to far and i am fuckin proud of myself.

[rippeanuts1950-2000]

Diary of a teenage ghost Hunter

Friday June 25th 4:00 pm My bedroom)

What does a 16 year old ghost hunter do when her parents force her to move to some weird ass town in the middle of nowhere? Find the nearest book shop of course! Joking, joking. Though that is exactly what I did as soon as my parents said I could go out. Hey, don’t judge me. The bookshop was the one thing I was looking forward to about this place and let me tell you, it was worth the wait.

The place shouldn’t even be called a shop! It should be called a book armory? No, wait, that sounds weird. A book outlet? Nope, it still doesn’t work. Whatever, I’ll figure it out later. So I went to the huge bookshop that I think used to be a Barnes & Nobles that got turned into a regular bookshop. It’s nice to know I’m supporting a small business. Small meaning it’s owned by a family and not some corporate place. Like I said, the place was huge. Anyway, I went in and spent twenty minutes just gaping at everything. It was beautiful. Filled to the brim with books and really cool knick knacks at some great prices. No joke, I bought a sketch book, some pens and pencils, a journal, some decorations for my room, and some books I’ve been wanting for a while, for under $200! I’m living the dream life honestly.

While I was there, I ran into what I could only describe as a stereotypical mean girl. I did not get her name because I ran away before she could scream at me. That happens to me way more than it should. Trouble is, I don’t know if she was a ghost or not. No one else seemed to notice her and I got a few weird looks when I screamed an apology at her. Maybe I was just too loud? Well if she wasn’t a ghost at least I don’t have to deal with her at school since mom and dad finally agreed to homeschool me. I think it was a way to get me to shut up about not wanting to hide my sexuality from people even if I get bullied. I’m a proud lesbian, I’m not hiding that part of me.

No matter how hard it is.

NOPE! DON’T GO THAT ROUTE BRAIN!

But I also won’t deal with it cause it’s summertime thank goddess.

Anyway, I love my new journal! It’s so pretty and it has cute little chibi ghosts on the cover! I cannot not wait to use it for more interesting things I find at the bookshop. Oh and write stuff about my ghost hunting. That’s also why I got it.

Obviously. 

Also my new room is really cool. Mom and Dad found this huge house for surprisingly less than a million dollars and I got the top floor all to myself. Granted, there’s only three rooms up here but Mom says I can turn the second room into an art room! Isn’t that great! Now I won’t have to go outside to make something because my parents are neat freaks and they hate messes. The room I'm in currently is my bedroom and it has all my stuff in it since Dad came up here first to set everything up while Mom and I drove down here yesterday. I still need to unpack so I should probably get started. 

Saturday June 26th 1:30 am My Closet)

Holy shit.

That’s all I have to say after what has been transpiring for the past hour and half.

I knew there was a reason why my parents got the house so cheap!

Twelve people died here.

Correction, twelve people were killed here.

TWELVE PEOPLE WERE KILLED HERE!

WHAT THE FUCK!

Look, I get that my parents want me to help in the family business and hunt ghosts so that we help them go to the other side and blah blah. Especially since I’m the only one in my family since my great great grandma who can see ghosts. But moving me into a house where the souls are still haunting it and need to go to the otherside, is taking it too far!

Okay let me start from the beginning.

It all started after I woke up at midnight. I was thirsty so I went downstairs to get a glass of water. I get my glass of water and go back to my room, knowing that I probably wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep. So I’m thinking about what book I’m gonna read or if I should watch tv on my phone again, when I see a very pretty girl with silky black hair and pale skin digging through my closet and muttering that I have too much flannel. Being the mature person that I am, I threw my water at her and screamed, “Begone intruder!” The girl just looked at me and smirked.

“I’m dead and I live here, so I’m not an intruder.” She said and that’s when I realized that the girl had gashes all over her body and her very cute outfit was covered in blood. “Why are you in my room?” I asked, not thinking what else to say. The girl snorted and floated over to me. “Because you, Cassandra Mendez, are going to help me and my cousins with our problem.” She said, placing her hands on my shoulders. Instead of feeling cold and uncomfortable like it usually does when a ghost touches me, it felt pleasantly icy and comforting. “Whoa, whoa. You know my name and I don’t know yours! That’s not fair.” I said, because all my brain cells left me when the pretty ghost girl touched me.

The girl giggled. “You’re right, that isn’t fair Cassandra. Let’s fix that, shall we? I’m Butterfly Thompson, nice to meet you.” Butterfly said and now that I could properly see her eyes, I noticed they were light green. “Butterfly, that’s an interesting name.” I said. “My parents were hippies, Cassandra.” She said as she let go of my shoulders. She went back to digging in my closet. “Cassie.” I said dumbly. Butterfly looked up, confused. “What?” She asked. “I go by Cassie, not Cassandra. Now can you tell me why you're here?” I asked, really hoping this whole thing was some dream.

“Cassie. I like that. Less of a mouthful. Anyway, I’m here to save you from the flannel nightmare that is your closet.” Butterfly said and I tried to ignore the way my stomach fluttered when she said my name. “You and I both know that’s not true.” I said exasperated. She hummed in response. “Oh but it could be. But unfortunately it’s not. At least not right now. I’m here because I need your help to prove that my family and I were murdered.” Butterfly said. I blinked at her. First of all, why me? Second of all, she was murdered? “How many people died and how did they die?” I asked, not sure what else to say.

Butterfly started counting on her fingers. “Twelve. They took out Blake and Bloom and their parents first. Stabbed Aunt Bria and Uncle Braxton I think, I was hiding in the closet with Burst so I don’t know. They pushed Blake and Bloom out the window, their deaths were immediate. Then they went after Blaze and Briar but Aunt Britnay and Uncle Ben fought back. Unfortunately, their battle was for naught as the killer somehow managed to strangle them before throwing Briar and Blaze out the window as well. They took a little longer than the other two to die. You know this guy had a thing for throwing kids out the window. Then they came to closet me and my brother were in. Mom and Dad fought as hard as they could but in the end they didn’t make it either. I don’t know how they were killed. The killer pulled me out of the closet first but unlike my cousins I fought back. They managed to get a couple gashes and hits on me before I was thrown out the window. My death was immediate. Burst’s wasn't. They died in the rose bushes, bleeding out because the killer stabbed him before throwing them out the window like everyone else.” Butterfly said, her voice monotone.

“Then why was the killer not caught?” I asked, because it sounded like a bunch of innocent people were brutally murdered here, no questions asked. Butterfly sighed and sat on my bed. “They were smart. They made it look like the adults committed suicide and that us kids fell off the roof. Even down to the fact that they made it look like Burst was impaled. But we know the truth.” She said, a bitter smile on face. “Where do I come in?” I asked and she grinned. “You’re gonna be homeschooled, it's summer, you can talk to all of us, and you can talk to our friends who are alive and help us! Together you can find a way to figure out who the killer is and why they did it so we can put their ass in jail.” Butterfly said excitedly.

“Wait us?” I asked, because I thought she was the only ghost here. She nodded vigorously. “Yes us, I was sent to talk to you before we bombroad you with everything.” She explained. “Let me think about this before I do anything.” I said. Butterfly nodded. “Okay, get back to me in the morning! Sleep well Cassie.” She said, giving me a hug before floating down somewhere. 

Well after writing this down, I know what to do. I have to help her. She didn’t deserve what happened to her and her family at all. Now I’m actually gonna go to bed because, damn, I'm tired.

[theghostpinesmusic]

As I've written about before, one of my favorite fun things about Goose is that they have a variety of arrangements for some of their songs ("Slow Ready" and "So Ready," four (?!) versions of "Indian River," and so on). So, when their first set at this year's Goosemas turned out to be "mirror-themed" - involving versions of both "All I Need" and "Tumble" played in their slow arrangements initially before seguing into their fast versions - it immediately became one of my favorite sets I've heard the band play. And, since there's a great video of the "Tumble" on YouTube, I'm going to write about that today.

Some very quick background on "Tumble": in its original, "fast" arrangement, it was one of the first Goose songs that really hooked me back in 2019, mostly because, to my mind at least, it's one of their most Phish-adjacent songs. It reminds me of something like "Stash" while still being its own thing. It's hooky while also having some compelling composed sections, and the lyrics are catchy and simple while also hinting at deeper meaning if you want to dig for it. In short, it's got all the things that make most great Goose songs great.

The fast version has been a great-to-incredible jam vehicle pretty consistently since 2019: if the band plays "Tumble," you are going to get a jam. Odds are it'll be a more straightforward funk/rock exploration instead of a freak-out journey amongst the stars, but don't rule the latter out by any means.

The slow version debuted on 5/9/21, a show I watched live from the couch, and absolutely lost my mind when I heard it. It's got a Vintage Vibe/reverb-heavy tone that hits a sweet spot that I really love (see "Red Bird" for another song that sort of sits in the same place sonically). Though this version isn't jammed very often, I'm always happy to hear it pop up and listen to the band play around in its sonic environment for a few minutes each time.

So, as I said above, the Goosemas version starts as the "slow" arrangement. I should share for posterity that I, once again, absolutely lost it as I heard the drumbeat that introduces this version, watching live from the couch, even before Rick started hitting the opening chords. I just love how they introduce this version slowly before all the instruments hit together at 1:11. I could listen to that opening minute all day.

Trevor really makes the composed part of this tune. I'm glad he's a bit more audible here than on the Euro tour videos (my last complaint about the Euro mix!).

Pete has a little mic trouble at 3:13.

After the chorus, everyone dives into an absolutely great, Vibe-y jam (around 4:10). This isn't particularly complex playing, but I could happily live in the "Vibey Tumble" groove for at least an hour.

Right around 5:45, the percussion becomes a bit more driving than is usual for "Tumble"'s slow arrangement, which is neat. From there, the jam builds in intensity (and, it seems, in tempo?) for a bit until Rick starts teasing the instrumental bridge from the "fast" version of "Tumble" at 8:15. This causes the band to make a (planned, I assume) transition into the fast version of the song proper at 8:36.

Incidentally, the part of this arrangement that always makes me think of "Stash" starts around 9:15. Everything up through 11:05 is part of the composition, and from there on, along with some dancing from Peter, we're in jam mode.

This version, like a lot of recent versions of the "fast" "Tumble," starts off with some great two-guitar interplay between Rick and Peter. I love that this bit is both of them playing (basically) rhythm guitar instead of one soloing while the other holds down the rhythm. They layer over each other really well so it's interesting and driving without sounding crowded (if you really like this section, I'd recommend the Manchester version of "Tumble," which I described in my notes as "The best Talking Heads jam of 2023"). Then, there's a great, smooth transition at 13:30 into a new jam space (how did Peter get from guitar to piano so quickly here?!).

This is bread-and-butter Goose territory. Rick leads the jam with a nice solo, taking through bliss jam territory. I don't mean this is a derogatory way: I really like what starts happening at 17:00 in particular. If you've read previous entries in this series and/or are a big fan of Goose already, the band's not exactly exploring new ground here. But, usually, this is what "fast" "Tumble" is for: bringing a huge dance party. And this version definitely delivers on that front.

20:05 has us absolutely crashing into the composed ending of the song...and that's the Goosemas "Tumble"!

There were a lot of amazing jams and fun debut covers that came up during this two-show run, and I'd love to have/take the time to talk about them all, but as usual I'm going to go with the songs that have pro-shot footage on YouTube, which means next time I'll be writing about the time Goose covered...Justin Timberlake.

[goldenslowpoke]

Okay so I don't usually infodump on here often. I know people don't follow me for my personal issues. Actually I don't know why most of you follow me.

But man I'm really down in it right now and I don't wanna get "whiny" on Discord so you all get to hear about my fear of rejection and how it, and the general online community I run with these days, has me feeling like I'm spinning my wheels and.... dare I say increasingly a failure?

This one's long but I'm not gonna edit it down for your sake so read it if you want or pass it if you don't. Might sneak something in the middle of it just for funsies.

Believe it or not I'm staring at the Keep Reading line because I don't freaking know where to start here there's just so much.

I guess let's start with I'm one of the moderators for a fairly niche but also fairly robust RPing Discord. I'm also the oldest active user there at 30 (and soon to be a half).

It's a server that's still recruiting fresh-faced 18 year olds so that's a 12 year age gap my friends. Which was never really an issue for me until my mother died earlier this year and now I'm trying to balance working 24-29 hours a week plus doing all the work of maintaining a house alone. In short, they're full of youthful energy and half the time I just want to sleep.

Which is where we circle back to the RPing Discord part of it. It's an RP Discord, we do big group RPs. Which used to be fun for me back when I worked 20-24 hours a week and lived with my mother, also when those RPs averaged like.... 10-12 people in them. These days they average 16-18 people in them and I have it feels like half the time to pay attention to them.

So you know, obvious answer is "well just step back from that big stuff. Keep moderating but start trying to do smaller group stuff." Which ordinarily would be the right answer but I have a problem. I'm... weird by their standards. In more than just my availability. I'm a not-yet-outed mtf (listen that's an entirely different longpost I could make about my fears over not passing the public perception test) and girl lover, this is a server that is still probably 75% ftms and gay men (of bara/dilf taste).

You can psychoanalyze me all you want on this one but I want to do stuff like Magical Girls or even just Anime Slice of Life, but I know there's no real market for it there. I've tried floating some of my ideas out before but usually it's struck down as on the lighter end being "too niche" or on the harder end I've actually gotten an "Ew why would people want to do something like that?" There's a few folks who I think would like it, but they are like me either too busy to notice or too new to know me well enough.

I've tried other Discord communities but they're all either skewed too young or too fucking weird even for me (I'm making a side blog for some of the absolute trash I've found on this hunt don't worry). I've poked around Roll20 and Reddit but honestly those sites scare the shit out of me with their applications and such. Look, my tabletop experience is about 6 sessions of Monsterhearts (before timezones doomed the group) and a session 0 of D&D (honestly it just wasn't that fun of a setup). Not to mention R20 and Reddit are just flooded with 5E games (thanks Critical Role, Honor Among Thieves, and Baldur's Gate 3...).

So instead of getting a chance to fuck around and find out, I'm stuck watching a bunch of college students with more free time than me spin big group RPs out of control faster than my head can keep up, so I lose the plot, and then limp out of the room feeling like a failure and a bad moderator. And also posting a long "get it off my chest" post on Tumblr about it.

That's it, there's no great resolution here. I literally just needed to say this stuff before it turned into what it usually does for me which is envy and hatred.

[venusdear]

dongwoon didnt announce the exact day, he only said it was in september. today is the 9th of 30 days, so that's a 30% chance he already got married XD

UR HEADLINE I CANT-

saaaame ugh reading and writing >>>>>

it's day 290 without to1 cb and getherland is dying. one member, chan, turned out to be racist/problematic so we all hate him now. he dropped a new song and i listened to it out of curiosity. it was HORRIBLE. at least junhyung (who was the rapper of highlight) doesnt SCREAM the lyrics to all his songs. stan yong junhyung for a happy life <3

also yes, suit gikwang is beautiful. ive got several more pics from then AS WELL AS THESE PICS FROM 6 YEARS AGO. BUT IDC HE LOOKED BEAUTIFULLLLL. heres one pic:

just this one motherfucking picture and i was freaking out so much. im gonna cry so much. he could rob my (hypothetical) store and i wouldnt even notice and when i did id be like thank u so much now do u want to endorse my store in order to boost sales.

i have like one draft of the story, the characters, and BARELY ANY PLOT LMFAO. the main character debuts in a group but tf happens after that?

i'll either dm you the drafts along with some highlight pics and vids and song recs (songs from hl and other groups) or ill post them on my gikwangsleftnostril side blog. ill probably do a couple more gikwang photo dumps as well

i have like 10x more pics of gikwang on my phone than i do of the other 3 members and junhyung. i have a fkin pROBLEM OMG-

AWEEE DONGWOON #MARRIED i wonder if he'll be like those husbands who say #marriedlife #thankfultomywife #newlywed

READING AND WRITING IS SO FUN LIKE UHWEDWEI how do you NOT fall in love with reading 😭😭 and ppl are always like "it's soooooo boring" i still don't get that

BOOOOO WE HATE RACISTS HERE BOOOOOOO GET HIM GET HIM ofc he has the most horrible song to mankind LIKE HIS PERSONALITY BOOOOOOOOOO

omg i've missed talking to you emmie 😭😭 i have been coping with school 😻 school is so fun (i'm lying through my teeth and i have been sick for a whole week and had the worst two weeks of my life)

pov: emmie letting gikwang steal from her store (me watching it all happen)

OOOO I'M EXCITED NOWWWW

WEHIUWHEUED me with my biases!!!

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

advice hopefully or support is fine

name ~ elaine

age ~ 20

TW# heavy eating disorder talk, body image talk, body dysmorphia, ed thoughts !!!!!!

When I was younger around maybe 16 to 19 I had very heavy eating disorder tendencies/ I would restrict, only have healthy foods since I had turned vegan when I was 14 and it didnt cause suspicion, I use to log my calories and do all the tricks and everything. But, for parts of 19 and now, I've been recovered. I enjoy cooking again. I live to bake, and I've been okay with my body for the past year but I can feel myself sort of wanting to go back. I really want to go back to ED tumblr, to get back to how things were and maybe now that I'm older the weight will shed off more than it use to. I want to make friends in that community and to be able to openly tell them about everything because they get it! I want to talk about all the shows that have been claimed by ED media and just I dont know. I want to be sick again. But in a good way. I'm a normal healthy weight for my height and age, but I've always wanted smaller. I sort of know what caused my relapse but I honestly think getting back into this is better than whatever else. I feel for one, embarrased that this is something I've even considered, and ashamed because I know proana or eating disorder accounts are looked down upon and I agree I dont think you should monetize or like praise your disorders but I cant help it, I miss being in a regime and being able to talk about it without freaking out my friends. I miss the control and the logging because it was all so organized and I've already been becoming comfortable. When I had my routine things were so simple, I miss that. I just want to go back. Just by admitting/sharing this ask I know someone is gonna get mad at me for it or judge my thinking but please can I just have some advice or support please.

Hi Elaine,

First of all I want to say I'm so proud of you for working towards recovery. I know it's especially challenging to work towards recovery with something like an eating disorder.

On one hand, there is a sense of solidarity and family in having a network of people who are going through the same thing and are there for each other. Also, it can sometimes be more comforting to cave into your ED than actively battle it.

On the other hand, It's definitely a slippery slope, especially considering the blogs that masquerade as "not pro" but then post "pro" content. The content that other ED blogs share, pro or not, may trigger your eating disorder, and slow down your recovery journey. I think it's also risky to be in contact with people in the ED community here because of the presence of "coaches". Ultimately, for the sake of your health, it's worth deeply considering what you'd like to do.

You shouldn't have to suffer in silence, though. There are ways to achieve that sense of community without potentially putting yourself in a situation that might end up triggering your ED. My thought is, while it may not be centered around EDs, you could look into the overall trauma or mental illness communities here, as well as Discord (I'm in a number of support servers). That way it may be a healthier environment to give your ED a space, as well as hearing from others.

I don't know if you're in therapy or could access or afford it, but I strongly recommend looking into a therapist with specialization in eating disorders. I know that BetterHelp's plan, at cheapest, is ~30/week which is one of the cheapest ways to access therapy from licensed professionals.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun