#also if it's an issue solved by weight loss why would you want them to suffer until the weight loss helps wouldn't that DISCOURAGE them?

[uncanny-tranny]

Fat people deserve mobility aids, too. No matter if it's connected to their fatness or not, because having a mobility issue that is connected to one's fatness won't change that they're still fat and still have the issue at hand. Fat people don't deserve to "tough it out" because fatness should be this divine punishment doled out to those who "deserve" it. Fat disabled people deserve to have the peace of mind that they can exist in whatever way is most comfortable and accessible to them

[madarmagazine]

weight and loss

Weight loss is a common goal for many people, and there are various strategies and tips that can help you achieve it. Here are some key tips and strategies for successful weight loss:

Make sure you're ready: Long-term weight loss requires a commitment to making permanent changes in your lifestyle and health habits. Ask yourself if you're motivated to lose weight, ready to change eating and activity habits, and if you have the time to dedicate to making these changes [1].

Find your inner motivation: To stay motivated, it's important to identify what's important to you. Make a list of your reasons for wanting to lose weight, whether it's for better health or a specific event. Find ways to remind yourself of these motivations during moments of temptation [1].

Set realistic goals: It's important to set realistic weight-loss goals. Aim for losing 1 to 2 pounds (0.5 to 1 kilogram) per week, which can be achieved through a combination of a lower calorie diet and regular physical activity. Setting both process goals (e.g., exercising for 30 minutes every day) and outcome goals (e.g., losing 10 pounds) can help you stay focused [1].

Enjoy healthier foods: Adopting a new eating style that promotes weight loss involves lowering your total calorie intake. Focus on eating more plant-based foods like fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. Strive for variety to ensure you're getting the necessary nutrients without sacrificing taste or satisfaction [1].

Get active, stay active: Regular physical activity is important for weight loss and overall health. Aim for at least 150 minutes of moderate-intensity exercise per week, such as brisk walking. Find ways to incorporate more physical activity into your daily routine, such as taking the stairs instead of the elevator or parking farther away from your destination [1].

Change your perspective: Successful weight management requires long-term lifestyle changes. Take an honest look at your eating patterns and daily routine, and identify habits and attitudes that may have hindered your past weight loss efforts. Develop strategies to gradually change these habits and plan for how you'll deal with setbacks along the way [1].

Remember, weight loss is a journey that requires patience and consistency. It's always a good idea to consult with a healthcare professional or registered dietitian for personalized advice and guidance.

[desertdragon]

Big condensing post for the sake of solidifying my story's key points, since so much is spread across individual posts. In the style of a semi-FAQ because I think that's the best way for people to digest it. My story strives not to be about Man but A Man. And in this way illustrate the intimate ways many human issues connect without the disingenuous nature of painting them in broad strokes. This is the spark notes shortcut context for what I do:

Why would you have the WoL betray the Scions?

The personal reason is I don't like anyone aside from three characters, arguably six. The rest of the core group who recur are either I've never felt genuine attachment after years of play, OR the politics surrounding and portrayed by them are ones I see as wrong being pushed as good (ie. The pro military stance, the lack of addressing colonization and imperialism as they are done by the Alliance, the inconsistency, tone deafness, or dismissal of discussing morality, punishing oppressed people for fighting or decrying their oppressors etc.). Or it's both. Most of this admittedly is because the English version destroys much of the nuances present in other versions; the rest however is the innate stance the game takes on politics and mature themes which I find shortsighted compared to mine and my contemporaries.

The in-character reason is that my WoL is extremely strong. To the point that the only person who can truly kill her within the universe is another of my OCs. Over the years I've decided to justify this by making my story at its core a story about exploring power. Whatever is created and destroyed by the idea of power and what power can look like. The moral and ideological weight of having power. Vaste by design is not meant to lose fights in her universe. Her losses are instead thematic ones built around her failures and circumstances as a person. The losses resulting from continuous daily abuse that entwine with her identity. Her ridiculous strength in many areas serves the function of examining power and someone who suffers under its grindstone and who's humanity is challenged because of it. Also anyone can be abused regardless of their strength in one area or another; physical power does not protect others taking then violating your agency and self image. This is a story about the abused breaking the cycle to regain themselves and reseat control within themselves.

This level of physical power radically changes her relevance to everyone else. What normally takes armies, coordinated effort, technology, and luck, now takes mere moments at best for one person. The threat enemies pose is now dramatically lower than it would be otherwise. Fighting for the Eorzeans swings to become more time consuming rather than being pummeled. However there remains the threat and fear of the enemy overcoming this gap to stand on equal footing or act in desperation.

Instead of the question being 'How are we going to solve this?' it becomes 'How do we contain and leash our ultimate weapon?' and becomes more and more about control. No one meant for it to turn that way, but the scale of Vaste's power brought that mindset out. Power corrupts, and the desire for security and personal safety only facilitates that corruption.

This is a story where Scions give in to their already established flaws while being tempted by a power never before seen in their grasp. They strip humanity from someone who did not want it taken away; countless people die and the exploitative status quo of Eorzea is upheld in the process, like it normally is. Including the exploitation present in the Far East as it rejects rectifying its past.

Characters like Minfillia did not want this for her, but she died before the situation escalated and anything could stop it. In life Minfillia still considered the potential ways Vaste would become exploited, but there's only her memory now.

2. If the Scions are so bad, why does Vaste stay or not just kill them all?

Control and fear are at the forefront. Vaste came to them as a nobody adventurer, just traumatized by mind rape from Big H and changes made to her being. She was mentally vulnerable, and all it took to hook her was the promise of answers to understand The Echo, a desire for financial stability, and having nowhere else to go. They held power in persuading her that joining is the best option; from there it was simply manipulation, abuse, and favors to keep her. She didn't kill them once she had the means to leave because by then, she was on the path toward non violence.

It also felt better to leave them alive to suffer the consequences of their hubris and the new world she'd create. Their punishment is no one needing them anymore and losing her in itself. Because without her on their side they're nothing. She is a victim of extreme abuse from all possible angles, and genuinely believes there is nothing left for her but to suffer and die and do almost anything to avoid further pain. They erased her sense of self. Love from her first ever friend not connected to any of this is the first time she starts believing she can live beyond the abuse.

3. Why would Yugiri defect from Doma for the WoL?

Throughout the campaign Yugiri states multiple times that her core reason for fighting is to prevent war from spreading to where her homeland is. She wants to help people who are helpless, but she mostly wants her home safe from geopolitical conflict. She expresses to the player how she always feels an outsider to Doma because of this; because she literally is and because of her true goals. Yugiri does feel loyalty to Hien (because of their childhood history, and because he and Gosetsu don't mind her self interested reasons for serving), but it never comes before helping people on her own terms.

We see this best when she tried assassinating Zenos, acting directly against orders. We see it in her frustration at being told to wait before rallying the Doman people as they suffered. We see it in her confusion, anger, and frustration at Hien's indecision over Yotsuyuu's fate and so on. We see it when she risks the Ruby Princess's wrath on her family to stop Kisei hurting people. Yugiri's loyalties can theoretically be swayed to whoever is best helping those in need, from her perspective. To whoever best lets her help others and who she can respect. She is in practice loyal to her ideals and desires before she's loyal to a master. This drive is what pushed her from home to begin with.

Therefore I don't think it's a stretch to say if we change what Yugiri associates as the best method of getting to help others, she will follow that instead. If what the character believes is challenged while staying true to their fundamental values, this prompts growth. So I do think if I present the character an opportunity to reevaluate her situation she would choose to leave for what Vaste eventually offers and represents. "To whom much is given, much is expected." - it can be argued Yugiri's support is conditional toward whoever she deems worthy.

ALSO, consider the timing of Yugiri's involvement through and post Stormblood. It was a huge era of changes where while not explored much, it did try to have her test and reaffirm her beliefs. So there's no better time to set her possible swing towards another way of living than then.

4. How do you explain not participating in MSQ canon after 5.0?

This is still being thought out but so far it's very simple. After abandoning the Scions on the First, all the GoT's efforts are spent preparing to reach Hydaelyn. Anything that happens on the First after 5.0 is presumed handled by those left behind, but it is never the focus of what Vaste does on the Source. The one exception is Elidibus who I would assume realizes the WoL has left and chases her for his revenge. The Seat of Sacrifice technically never happens in the sense that the scale of it in canon isn't possible because he'd immediately be discovered and thwarted. Vaste does however easily kill Elidibus using her upgraded powers; or perhaps with help from her equally powerful friends, I haven't decided.

While Vaste and friends try devising how they'll reach the realms of Hydaelyn and Zodiark in order to destroy them, the Alliance is handled by others. Through a combination of politicking and the support of mercenary connections through Mercuo and Vaste's cousin Yhen'ir, the Alliance is kept at bay from discovering and stopping the Guardians of Time until it's too late.

'But how will they get to the moon without Garlemald's teleporter?'

That's what Weyd's intellect is for.

5. What Does Your Timeline Look Like Pre-Betrayal?

The general MSQ still happens as it did up until the very end of 5.0. ARR always ends with Gaius defeated and the Bloody Banquet, HW always ends with Nidhogg and Thordan gone as Coerthas opens, StB always ends with Doma Castle flooded, Yotsuyuu dead, and people getting sent to The First etc.

I ignore the canon time bubble of no specified total time for events. The key change is the timeframe this all occurs in is within two years. This is because of Vaste's powers getting stronger and under her control enough that she can cut travel times in half or more. For example, the boat trip between the West and the Far East is shaved from several weeks to two days. This was accomplished by having Vaste physically lift the ship everyone was on, and then running across the oceans at a pace that wouldn't be so fast everyone but her dies and the ship would fall apart, but fast enough to propel them better than a sail could.

What drags this out into two years proper are the various side missions and increasingly unethical study (conducted by the Scions) to learn how Vaste's body works. Her powers meant she could terrorize Garlean citizenry who accompanied the army to work on supplying them needed resources, slaughter fringe villages within Imperial territory for intimidation, destroy supply depots, clear out entire battalions single handedly, killing spies and any citizens who were sympathizers, and so on. There were talks to get her into being on call for wiping out pockets of Beastmen as examples to keep them all in line too. But it was decided killing their recent Primal summons was enough compared to the priority of killing Imperials.

Though it wasn't needed she was accompanied on several of these missions by Alliance soldiers, who served to officially signal the allegiances ordering the attacks, to make the killing more efficient, and to monitor Vaste's compliance. It also served to keep Alliance soldiers from coming to fear Vaste by giving them the idea of a connection to her, which also rallied their morale behind her strength.

Also, the Coils of Bahamut quests are canon to me. Some time would've been added to finish them and bond Vaste closer to the twins.

She began this new life at 21 and is washed out at the lowest point of her life at 23. Yugiri and eventually her first true friend Gan are what convince her to take back herself.

-

Open to Editing

[2ndlifeketoacv]

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[copperbadge]

Hi Sam! I’m glad you’re home safe after a good visit. I have a question I hope you and your readership might help with. I have a very difficult relationship with food (maybe a super taster, I’ve always had problems and not eaten enough, and I’m almost 30). I’m intimidated about seeing a nutritionist or doctor, and I like to research in preparation. Do you have suggestions for good sources to read about nutrition needs, supplement efficacy, and workarounds? I know this is a big ask.

Honestly, Anon, I know very little about nutrition or supplements, and my workarounds are mostly personal -- the supertaster tag on my tumblr will have the best discussion of those (both mine, as a supertaster, and my brother's, as an eater with autism). And wellness culture has absolutely infected every corner of the internet, making differentiation between "knowledge" and "garbage" online very difficult when it comes to food. But...well, that's why we go to experts like doctors and nutritionists!

I think the urge to research beforehand is admirable, and if it's driven by anxiety it's not something I want to dismiss because that's a coping mechanism that may actually get you in front of someone who can help. But I think if you don't even know where to start, the best possible thing you can do is make a list of questions...and then take them to someone with a degree in Answering Those Questions.

You don't actually have to take any of their advice; with doctors this can be a bit daunting because often they want to immediately create a plan to solve something, and sometimes you're not ready for the plan and have to assert that a bit. But it's absolutely okay to go to a professional and ask some questions and then say, "I need to think about this some more" before you get a prescription or a meal plan or anything like that.

So if it were me, I would prepare by writing up a little paragraph about what my issues truly are (taste, texture, some psychological fuckery around diets/weight, etc) and what I want to do about them; I would also set some barriers ahead of time, like "I just want information, I don't want to take any action today" or "I'd like to explore three options and no more than three" or similar. If you have any issues at all surrounding weight, definitely be ready to set a boundary of "I'm not interested in weight loss diets" or "I'm looking to improve my nutrition at my current weight". If you have specific questions, make a list of those, as well. (My company currently, with most of the lung health/covid safety/etc kits we give out, includes a pad of sheets where you can record symptoms, onset, how they make you feel, and what questions you have about them, to hand to your doctor, and I LOVE that we do that.)

Even if you do all that and then find you're still unwilling to speak to a professional, which is totally understandable, at least then you have a better idea of where to look. Particularly when it comes to food and nutrition, I couldn't even begin to make recommendations without knowing what you're looking for more specifically, and unless it's directly to do with flavor I'm still of very, very little help.

But if readers have recommendations for sites with good evidence-based resources surrounding nutrition for people with food issues, please feel free to share! Remember to reblog or comment, as I don't post asks sent in response to other asks.

[greensaplinggrace]

What I Would Change About the Ruin and Rising Ending

So this is separate from what I actually think would have been best for the story, in that Aleksander is the third amplifier and Alina is a tracker. Baghra never has her ridiculous plot twist info dump and Alina is actually allowed more agency and the ability to take initiative and the Darkling is actually written consistently from the start.

Here’s what I think should have happened in the ending if all the events leading up to it were the exact same: 

Alina kills Mal and with the power of the three amplifiers kills the Darkling. As punishment for using all three amplifiers, she and the Darkling both lose the power of Merzost. This power is then used to fulfill Morozova’s aching loneliness, creating hundreds of shadow and sun summoners all across the world. The Darkling comes back to life through the loss of Merzost, and Mal comes back to life through the loss of his tracking abilities and status as an amplifier.

This ending feels not only more consistent with the themes LB tries to convey throughout the books, but it also aligns more with character arcs, established lore, and the parts of the plot that actually made sense.

The Darkling was punished for using Merzost by the Fold’s creation, which was a place where his powers were rendered useless (although the fact that he still has much power over the fold feels contradictory to this fact). He still retained the ability to use it, however, the result of only using some of the Merzost’s power. Alina was punished much more severely for not only using Merzost but also taking all three amplifiers. Therefore she is stripped of that power entirely. The Darkling, who she killed with the power and who has also lusted for power, is stripped of it as well. 

Not only that, but the presence of hundreds of people like them now ensures they do not have more power than everybody else. It strips Alina and the Darkling of power without robbing them of a very important piece of their identity that should be impossible to take. By making it so that they now have hundreds of equals, that they have people to match them, challenge them, stop them. That they can no longer take more power, that they can no longer use their powers over those less powerful than them, that their greed does not destroy those around them. It makes them essentially powerless (consistent with the theme of punishment in regards to the Merzost), without removing their status as members of a persecuted and oppressed minority. 

This remains consistent with Alina’s character arc as well. Her growth as a character, coming into her abilities and learning to accept every part of herself, instead of denying an essential piece of her identity because she’s trapped by the past and her prejudices and her fear of moving forward - because she’s also trapped by her low self esteem and her loneliness and her fear. By allowing her to remain as a Grisha, her developmental arc - of learning self esteem and self acceptance, of learning to love every part of herself and to not deny those parts of herself for others or because of her worries, of finding a community, growing into a woman outside of one person, learning to connect with others and love others and love herself and love her powers - isn’t regressed in any way. It isn’t negated. 

There still remains a punishment for the Merzost and for her hunger for power. There still remains a way to acknowledge the thematic ties between loneliness and Grisha - especially Morozova’s loneliness and therefore Aleksander’s. There still remains the culmination of three books worth of seeking out amplifiers - a satisfying result of all her effort and her traumas; the powers she sought out to defeat the Darkling actually used to defeat him. There still remains the acknowledgement of Alina’s growth and change. She isn’t robbed of a valuable piece of her identity and her path of self fulfillment and self acceptance. 

I won’t get into this much now, but I also think Alina’s reluctance to accept herself as Grisha, hurting herself to remain untested and weakening herself by denying that crucial part of her, is the result of centuries of the oppression and persecution of the Grisha as a people. It isn’t just her own fears, but also the way the world has forced Grisha to integrate into society. How the Grisha’s oppressors have treated them, not allowed them to truly develop or grow or gain power. The way they’re viewed by society and the prejudices against them as a whole that stifles their ability to truly connect or form a healthy community.

That part of Alina’s culture and birthright was denied her by her oppressors. She lived amongst these people for years and grew up with their customs, and when she finally discovered the part of herself that made her Grisha, she was introduced to her people. Her community that the world, through endless hunting of the Grisha and stripping them of agency, using them and othering them and ostracizing them from society, refused the ability to truly connect. She was allowed to finally realize herself and who she was born to be.

Her stay at the Little Palace was distressing in a lot of ways, but I’m not talking about just the Little Palace, I’m talking about her journey throughout the books as a whole, as she learns about the people and community she belongs to. As she grows to love it and accept it and take pride in it. Her culture and her people - the Grisha. 

So when people say Alina losing her powers is good because she doesn’t want to be a part of the Grisha (even though she grows to love being Grisha, not wanting to was only in the beginning), and that she’s happier as an otkazat’sya because she grew up with them (the people who have oppressed her kind and smothered her powers), and that Grisha culture isn’t hers, I want to scream. The reason it wasn’t hers was because she was held back from it. Because Grisha oppression has become systematic and ingrained within society. Because prejudice against the Grisha runs deep. 

To say that it's good that she’s stripped of what makes her Grisha because she was raised otkazat’sya? When if the Grisha were free she never would have been in the first place? To refuse to acknowledge the harm done to her people and therefore her, in creating a world so against Grisha that she was never given the chance to be raised in her own community? Amongst her own people? Who would understand her and would never have let her get sick by refusing to use her powers and who would have helped her because they know what it’s like to be Grisha - because they are Grisha.

That’s fucking bullshit.

Alina doesn’t hate her powers. Her powers don’t cause her pain. It’s others and the world that hurts her because of them. And this is an important distinction. Alina losing her powers isn’t a healthy message. That others hurting you for how you were born means that the only way to remain safe is to strip away the part that makes you different. That Alina returning to the people she was forced to assimilate with and that raised her to deny a massive part of her identity is a healthy thing-

That’s not a message that should ever be given. Which is why Alina should have kept her powers as the sun summoner, even if she loses the amplifiers.

And the burden of being the only sun summoner is lessened with the spread of her powers as well. People claim that Alina losing her powers was good for her because the world burdened her too much because of them, but that’s an issue easily solved by the splitting of her powers. She now isn’t the only one with a weight to carry because of the way she was born, and in fact she no longer has to carry it at all. 

Additionally, Morozova’s amplifiers and the Merzost itself, which he created, being used to fulfill the loneliness he felt in the world and that all Grisha feel - that Aleksander especially suffered under (and which he suffered under in part due to Morozova), is a much more poetic and thematically consistent way to maintain equilibrium and fill the void of loneliness in the world than robbing Alina of her powers to do so. Which is just pointless and random and doesn’t align reasonably with any of the narrative elements. Morozova himself doing so through his amplifiers and the Merzost makes it a state of healing and even redemption. It ties his story and his character together with the plot and established themes.

It also keeps with the theme of balance. In that the Merzost is now gone and the amplifiers are now gone - abilities deemed to be unnatural and against the balance - and instead both of their powers are spread across the land. Not just Alina’s. Which was an unbalance and not in keeping with the themes established throughout the books. With both powers not only split but also split amongst many, real balance returns to the world.

I also think that both Mal and the Darkling coming back makes the ending more in line with the plot and all of the character’s arcs, and also more intriguing as a whole. Alina now has the opportunity to navigate her relationship with the both of them on new, uncertain ground.

I think this would be a unique start to a Darklina relationship in particular, as the Darkling now has many equals that are not Alina. So what would make him stay? A fun premise to explore in regards to both characters and their motivations.

On the other hand, Malina has to continue to grow with Alina still living as a Grisha sun-summoner, but now the pressure isn’t all on her. She’s free of the burden she was forced into, but not free of the powers which she came to love. She also hasn’t been stripped of her identity within a group of persecuted and marginalized people that she came to connect with.

Alina and Mal could very well live out their lives in peace. Or they could take a different path, with so many new avenues open before them. This could provide the opportunity for an even more complex future if the Darkling still remains involved with Alina (with them) even peripherally. Like if they still had dealings with him in some way, even if there isn’t anything romantic going on between him and Alina.

All in all, I just think it would be a better ending for all three of them in a variety of ways, and it also creates so many opportunities for different paths to be taken. It’s more consistent with the themes LB attempted to convey, the plot and character arcs as a whole, and the established lore.

[free--therapy]

Healthy Coping Skills for Uncomfortable Emotions

Emotion-Focused and Problem-Focused Strategies

By Amy Morin, LCSW

Whether you’ve been dumped by your date or you’ve had a rough day at the office, having healthy coping skills can be key to getting through tough times. Coping skills help you tolerate, minimize, and deal with stressful situations in life. Managing your stress well can help you feel better physically and psychologically and it can impact your ability to perform your best.

But not all coping skills are created equal. Sometimes, it’s tempting to engage in strategies that will give quick relief but might create bigger problems for you down the road. It’s important to establish healthy coping skills that will help you reduce your emotional distress or rid yourself of the stressful situations you face.

Problem-Based vs. Emotion-Based

When you’re feeling distressed, ask yourself, “Do I need to change my situation or do I need to find a way to better cope with the situation?” Then, you can decide which type of coping strategy will help you best proceed.

There are two main types of coping skills: problem-based coping and emotion-based coping.

Problem-based coping is helpful when you need to change your situation, perhaps by removing a stressful thing from your life. For example, if you’re in an unhealthy relationship, your anxiety and sadness might be best resolved by ending the relationship (as opposed to soothing your emotions).

Emotion-based coping is helpful when you need to take care of your feelings when you either don’t want to change your situation or when circumstances are out of your control. For example, if you are grieving the loss of a loved one, it’d be important to take care of your feelings in a healthy way (since you can’t change the circumstance).

There isn’t always one best way to proceed. Instead, it’s up to you to decide which type of coping skill is likely to work best for you in your particular circumstance.

Healthy Emotion-Focused Coping Skills

Whether you’re feeling lonely, nervous, sad, or angry, emotion-focused coping skills can help you deal with your feelings in a healthy way. Healthy coping strategies may soothe you, temporarily distract you, or help you tolerate your distress.

Sometimes it’s helpful to face your emotions head-on. For example, feeling sad after the death of a loved one can help you honor your loss.

So while it would be important to use coping skills to help relieve some of your distress, coping strategies shouldn’t be about constantly distracting you from reality.

Other times, coping skills may help you change your mood. If you’ve had a bad day at work, playing with your kids or watching a funny movie might cheer you up. Or, if you’re angry about something someone said, a healthy coping strategy might help you calm down before you say something you might regret. Here are some examples of healthy emotion-focused coping skills:

Clean the house (or a closet, drawer, or area)

Color

Cook a meal

Do yoga

Draw

Drink tea

Garden

Give yourself a pep talk

Go for a walk

Engage in a hobby

Exercise

Listen to music

List the things you feel grateful for

Look at landscape photos that help you feel relaxed

Look at pictures to remind you of the people, places, and things that bring joy

Meditate

Picture your “happy place”

Play a game with your kids

Play with a pet

Practice breathing exercises

Pray

Put on lotion that smells good

Read a book

Reframe the way you are thinking about the problem

Squeeze a stress ball

Smile

Spend time in nature

Take a bath

Take care of your body in a way that makes you feel good (paint your nails, do your hair, put on a face mask)

Think of something funny

Use a relaxation app

Use aromatherapy

Use progressive muscle relaxation

Write in a journal

Healthy Problem-Focused Coping Skills

There are many ways you might decide to tackle a problem head-on and eliminate the source of your stress. In some cases, that may mean changing your behavior or creating a plan that helps you know what action you’re going to take.

In other situations, problem-focused coping may involve more drastic measures, like changing jobs or cutting someone out of your life. Here are some examples of healthy problem-focused coping skills:

Ask for support from a friend or a professional.

Create a to-do list.

Engage in problem-solving.

Establish healthy boundaries (tell your friend you aren’t going to spend time with her if she makes fun of you).

Walk away (leave a situation that is causing you stress).

Work on managing your time better (for example, turn off the alerts on your phone).

Unhealthy Coping Skills to Avoid

Just because a strategy helps you endure emotional pain, it doesn’t mean it’s healthy. Some coping skills could create bigger problems in your life. Here are some examples of unhealthy coping skills:

Drinking alcohol or using drugs: Substances may temporarily numb your pain, but they won’t resolve your issues. Substances are likely to introduce new problems into your life. Alcohol, for example, is a depressant that can make you feel worse. Using substances also puts you at risk for developing a substance abuse problem and it may create legal issues, financial problems, and a variety of social issues.

Overeating: Food is a common coping strategy. But, trying to “stuff your feelings” with food can lead to an unhealthy relationship with food—and weight issues. Sometimes people go to the other extreme and restrict their eating (because it makes them feel more in control) and clearly, that can be just as unhealthy.

Sleeping too much: Whether you take a nap when you’re stressed out or you sleep late to avoid facing the day, sleeping offers a temporary escape from your problems. However, when you wake up, the problem will still be there.

Venting to others: Talking about your problems so that you can gain support, develop a solution, or see a problem in a different way can be healthy. But studies show1 repeatedly venting to people about how bad your situation is or how terrible you feel is more likely to keep you stuck in a place of pain.

Overspending: While many people say they enjoy retail therapy as a way to feel better, shopping can become unhealthy. Owning too many possessions can add stress to your life. Also, spending more than you can afford will only backfire in the end and cause more stress.

Avoiding things: Even “healthy” coping strategies can become unhealthy if you’re using them to avoid the problem. For example, if you are stressed about your financial situation, you might be tempted to spend time with friends or watch TV because that’s less anxiety-provoking than creating a budget. But if you never resolve your financial issues, your coping strategies are only masking the problem.

Proactive Coping

Coping skills are usually discussed as a reactive strategy—when you feel bad, you do something to cope. But, research shows2 that proactive coping strategies can be an effective way to manage the future obstacles you’re likely to face.

For example, if you have worked hard to lose weight, proactive coping strategies could help you maintain your weight after your weight loss program has ended. You might plan ahead for circumstances that might derail you—like the holiday season or dinner invitations from friends—to help you cope.

You also might plan ahead for how you’re going to cope with emotions that previously caused you to snack—like boredom or loneliness. And you might prepare a mantra that you’ll repeat to yourself when you’re tempted to give in to temptation.

Proactive coping has been found to be an effective way to help people deal with predictable changes, like a decline in income during retirement.

However, coping can also be used to help people deal with unexpected life changes, such as a major change in health. A 2014 study3 found that individuals who engaged with proactive coping were better able to deal with the changes they encountered after having a stroke.

Another study4 found that people who engaged in proactive coping were better equipped to manage their type 2 diabetes. Participants who planned ahead and set realistic goals enjoyed better psychological well-being.

So, if you are facing a stressful life event or you’ve undergone a major change, try planning ahead. Consider the skills you can use to cope with the challenges you’re likely to face.

When you have a toolbox ready to go, you’ll know what to do. And that could help you to feel better equipped to face the challenges ahead.

Find What Works for You

The coping strategies that work for someone else might not work for you. Going for a walk might help your partner calm down. But you might find going for a walk when you’re angry causes you think more about why you’re mad—and it fuels your angry feelings. So you might decide watching a funny video for a few minutes helps you relax.

It's important to develop your own toolkit of coping skills that you’ll find useful. You may need to experiment with a variety of coping strategies to help you discover which ones work best for you.

You might find that certain coping strategies work best for specific issues or emotions. For example, engaging in a hobby may be an effective way to unwind after a long day at work. But, going for a walk in nature might be the best approach when you’re feeling sad.

When it comes to coping skills, there’s always room for improvement. So, assess what other tools and resources you can use and consider how you might continue to sharpen your skills in the future.

Read Article Here

[in-tua-deep]

au where five found out about vanya's powers in the apocalypse? Like maybe he found Reggie's book or he saw the eyes of vanya's corpse?

oh man like. that would be interesting to be sure, if Five managed to find Reginald’s book in the apocalypse

(He doesn’t read it at first, not for a few months after he finds it. He opened to the page that detailed Reginald’s experiments with how long Deigo could hold his breath in clinical unfeeling words and has to put it away while he breathed - not too deeply though, he didn’t want to breathe in more ash than necessary)

But he eventually does. He sits Dolores up and rages and vents to her, cursing Reginald’s name with every new sordid detail, every new terrible sin he now knows to hurl at Reginald’s feet. He reads no great loss under his section and he’s too dehydrated to weep but something breaks inside his chest nevertheless

(He’d never thought that dad loved them, not really. He might have hoped, back when he was little but he knew better now. He was thirteen, old enough to know better. But he’d at least thought that dad found them useful. 

Five had tried to hard, trained so much, been so adaptable. Even then he was no great loss.)

Five finds out from Reginald’s book about Ben’s death. Cold words that describe the way his brother died. Reginald seemed to care more about Ben’s death than Five’s presumed death, but that could be becuase Ben’s power was always bigger than Five’s. More violent. More efficient. Of course Ben was a greater loss, Five’s power wasn’t even inherently useful for fighting.

(Klaus’s power wasn’t useful for fighting either. Reading Dad’s dismissive words calling Klaus a failure makes him bristle. Reading about Reginald locking Klaus away in the mausoleum for days make Five want to hurl the book against the wall.)

Finding out about Vanya is - it’s weird. Vanya was always so ordinary. He loved her of course, for fucks sake he was the only one who cared to interact with her half the time. He loves all of his siblings but he has no illusions about how casually cruel they could be to one another.

But he reads about her powers and clenches his fists and wonders what Reginald would have done if Five had stayed, if Five had kept on his path of rebellion. Would Reginald have drugged him, too?

(Reginald had the power to take their powers away. Five wonders what Klaus thought when he found out, if he had cursed and sworn and raged at the man who watched his son suffer and turn to drugs to deal with seeing things no child should ever see. Reginald had the power to help, and he tortured Klaus instead.)

Because - of course Five assumes that they know. He reads Vanya’s books as well when he comes across it, tucking it into his wagon. He wonders when the truth came out, because the rage that drips from those pages is very real. Vanya doesn’t mention her powers in the book of course, but she would have been what, in her 20s when she wrote it? 

Vanya said in her book that she left home at 18, which means she’s had years to get the drugs out of her system and discover what their father had taken from her. Did she think that they knew? That they had kept it from her? Is that why the pages of her book drip with bone deep hurt, making Five’s fingers shake with the ache of them

(Or it could be the hunger, a now constant companion)

Five keeps both books close, even though he wants to vandilize Reginald’s book half the time. It’s strange to see the insight on them and their powers from the perspective of a scientist, odd to see the written results of the torture they went though

(He almost rips the page on the effects of electricity on his warping powers out on principle, but he just ends up curled around Dolores as he trembles involuntarily at the memories)

Five has so few belongings when he is recruited to the Commission, or at least has very few personal ones. He leaves Dolores behind in the apocalypse with a heavy heart but she’s too big to take with him. Too big to hide.

(Five always learned to only take what you can hide, because what you can’t hide will always be used against you.)

He tucks Reginald’s notebook in the waistband on his pants, the hard edges against his back a constant almost reassuring pressure. Vanya’s book gets pushed into one of his deep pockets. The glass eye gets shoved into his sock the same way he used to hide scavenged bills and quarters he would then place beneath the floorboards of his room

(He wonders absently if his money stash was ever found, but it doesn’t really matter now does it?)

He goes through the Commission with the knowledge that he has a bomb hidden away. As much as he keeps the notebook around out of a sense of sentiment he knows he doesn’t want it to fall into the hands of the commission, doesn’t want them to have this dissection of his powers on hand

(he has so little of his siblings left, just the bitter words of Reginald and Vanya both - the irony is that no matter how much Vanya extolled being excluded she had constantly been by Reginald’s side to write down observations, listening to his words, by his side more than any of them. sometimes he reads Vanya’s vicious words and hears the echo of their father in them. It makes sense. He still hates it, just a little bit)

He writes his equations into Vanya’s book instead of Reginald’s. He doesn’t like to read the red book, only opens it to look at the photos included so that he won’t forget what his siblings look like, tries to ignore the words that detail exactly how much force it takes to pop Luther’s bones out of his oh-so-durable joints

He solves them one day, or at least comes close. Closer than he ever had before, and he figures why not? Time for another little experiment. Who knows? Maybe he’ll add this one to dad’s book.

He pushes, and pushes, and then he falls and he’s in a courtyard he hasn’t seen in decades staring at people he hasn’t spoken to in just as long. He looks at them all with wide eyes

(He looks at Allison and hears his father’s clipped tone stating how Allison in improving at overriding survival instincts, he looks at Luther and hears Vanya’s childish voice accusing him of caring more about being a hero than anything else in his life, including his family, he looks at Klaus and sees a face covered in ash and blood with unseeing eyes)

He looks down at himself and sees smaller hands with smoother skin, absent of the burn marks from the variety of fires he’d set in the apocalypse, absent of the crooked knuckles from when he’d crushed two fingers in some rubble trying to get to a can of food, absent of the cracked and brittle nails from malnutrition and food issues

“Shit.” He says, with feeling.

He can feels the press of the glass eye against his leg, the solid weight of Vanya’s book in his pocket, the edges of Reginald’s notebook digging into his skin as he hauls himself off the ground and into a standing position.

They have a family meeting in the kitchen.

Sort of. Five flits about, snagging bread and peanut butter and marshmallow fluff from the cupboard to make himself a sandwich, trying to avoid looking too desperately eager. He hasn’t had his favorite food in so long that the anticipation is actually insane.

“What’s the date?” Five asks, and learns that he doesn’t actually have all that long until the end of the world. But hey, it’s doable. Probably. Unless the reason the world ended was like, political nuclear war or something? But there would probably be survivors of that somewhere, so it was more likely something bigger scale.

(It has to be something he can stop, or this was all for nothing. He refuses to believe he doesn’t have a chance.)

“Cool, so like, the world is ending.” Five says, because why the fuck not? He has all his siblings in one room (except Ben, he has failed Ben, will always have failed Ben because he’s a coward who couldn’t return to a time when Reginald Hargreeves was alive) and he has Reginald and Vanya’s words pressed into his brain, “We have eight-ish days to fix that.”

“Five, what the hell are you talking about?” Luther demands.

Five waves his hand, “Dad sucked, I time-travelled, the end is nigh. I figured even you could grasp that.”

(His eyes ghost over Luther, skittering about the room. He can’t look at Luther’s body without remembering the cruel diagrams pain stakingly inked into the book as Reginald grumbled about failed experiments.)

“You went to the future?” Diego says, voice full of doubt that make his voice harsh. It’s so much deeper than when Five left, no more of the cracks of puberty.

“No shit.” Five says, and he’s so tired. “I was in that hellscape for forty-five years.”

“Forty-five years?” Diego squawks, as though he’s personally offended.

“That would make you... fifty-eight?” Luther’s voice also has doubt in it, and Five can’t really blame him looking at his squishy little barely teenage body.

“Dad was right,” Five manages to get out without gritting his teeth, “Time travel is a crapshoot and sometimes your body does fun and wacky things on you, blah blah blah trees and acorns.”

“Prove you’re from the future!” Klaus demands, eyes bright as he leans across the table, “What’re the lotto numbers, baby brother?”

“I think they’re ‘fuck you the world had already ended by the time I ended up stuck there,’ Klaus.” Five says, mock thoughtfully before tearing off a chunk of his sandwich.

It tastes like ash and peanut butter. Only Five’s genuine trauma regarding food waste and the fact that most things tasted like ash in the apocalypse have him still chewing his food and swallowing.

“Rude.” Klaus says, making a ‘blat’ noise in disappointment.

“Dad’s rich as fuck, wasn’t him kicking the bucket essentially like winning the lottery?” Five points out, and this time it is Luther squawking at him in disapproval.

“Don’t talk about Dad like that!” He demands, and Five has some more uncharitable thoughts about the way Luther’s arms flex just a little unnaturally underneath that big trenchcoat.

“I like this version of Five better.” Klaus declares, looking like Christmas has come early.

“Dad was murdered and you guys don’t even care.” Luther spits out, looking very offended.

“You were murdered and I care very much about that.” Five retaliates, and the entire kitchen goes quiet.

“Can you elaborate a little, Five?” Allison says, ever the diplomat.

(That’s a lie. Allison started more fights than Diego, probably. She just got caught way less often.)

“Well. I mean, I dunno if murdered is the right word considering everyone was dead. You might have just been collateral damage, who knows? Does murder imply intent?”

“Everyone was dead?” Vanya says, voice very quiet.

Five shrugs, then nods, then shrugs again. He doesn’t like thinking about it. “Yeah, but that’s not going to happen this time.”

“I don’t have time for this nonsense.” Luther mutters, and Five valiantly tries to ignore him. 

“Five, are you - are you sure you’re alright?” Vanya’s voice wobbles and she looks like she wants to reach out and hold him or something ridiculous like that. She looks at him with big sad brown eyes, “Dad did say that time travel could... mess with you a little.”

Allison nods and oh, Five does not have time for this bullshit. 

“I have proof.” He says, and he reaches back and pulls out Reginald’s red notebook and slams it onto the table.

“Is that Dad’s - ” Luther cuts himself off, looking at the notebook with wide eyes.

It is very clearly beaten up to hell and back. Ash has stained the edges of the pages grey and there may or may not be a gouge across the front from a near miss with a bullet while working at the commission. It is a book that has clearly been through hell.

Five also dig’s Vanya’s equally beaten up book from his pocket to dump on the table as well, equally stained with ash and barely held together after being read over and over again for decades, including being used as a notebook in the final years.

(Vanya lets out a little gasp, hand flying up to her mouth with the knowledge that at least one of her siblings read her book. Certainly not the one she thought it would be.)

Five reaches into his sock to pull out the glass eye triumphantly, setting it down on his small stack of treasures.

“What the fuck?” Diego is the one to ask.

“If I time travelled from that day in 2002 to right now, how the fuck would I have Vanya’s book?” Five says triumphantly, “It came out in 2015.”

“Why do you have an eye?” Allison sounds slightly horrified.

“It’s the key to figuring out who caused the apocalypse.” Five says, turning it over in his hands, “It’s gotta have something to do with it at least.”

“Why does he have Dad’s notebook?” Luther demands, sounding equally outraged.

“Found it.” Five shrugs, like the little scavenger he is.

(Emphasis on little. His suit still almost fits, and reading the numbers in Reginald’s notebook versus seeing how fucking tall all his siblings got in person is frankly unfair.)

“Oh my god, okay.” Allison says, throwing her hands up in the air like they’re all nuisances. It’s a familiar Allison look, and Five actually feels a little soothed by the memory. “So the world is ending, Five is back from the dead, and our only clue is a goddamn eye?”

“I was never dead.” Five points out, “But basically, yeah.”

“I don’t have time for this, I have to get back to my daughter.” Allison says, shaking her head.

“I mean if you want Claire to live I would think stopping the apocalypse would kind of be a priority.” 

This draw Allison to a halt from where she’d been gathering herself to leave, “You... know her name?”

Five makes the executive decision to not mention the torn out magazine cover featuring his sister and niece that is pressed between some of the pages in Reginald’s journal. “I’d like to meet her one day.”

Just like that, Allison has been won over.

“Do you think it has something to do with whoever murdered Dad?” Luther asks seriously, even if the question makes Diego groan like this is an argument they have had before.

“Who knows?” Five shrugs, “But if we’re splitting into investigation teams, I call Vanya.”

Vanya startles from where she has been sitting quietly, “Me?” She asks, eyes wide.

“Yeah.” Five nods, “I mean, with Ben gone you’re probably the team’s heaviest hitter.”

“What?” Several voices ring out in confusion.

Five blinks, a little confused himself. Unless - “Wait, did you never train your powers?”

“Five,” Vanya says slowly, like she’s explaining a simple concept to a particularly dim child, “I don’t have powers.”

This was - this was unexpected. Why did he not think of this explanation? It’s just - he has now known about Vanya’s powers for like way longer than he hasn’t. It’s almost second nature to think of Vanya as having powers by now. And she doesn’t know.

“Oh boy.” He says, picking up Reginald’s notebook, “This debriefing may take a bit longer than I first thought. Oh, and at some point we should probably cut the tracker out of my arm as well.”

“The what out of your what?”

Yeah the day doesn’t really get much better from there.

[cowboyjen68]

Recently I’ve been debating getting top surgery. I know that some butches get top surgery and seem happy with the results but I’ve also met some who grew out of their discomfort with time. So I guess I’m debating if I should wait to see if maybe the discomfort around my chest will ease with age or if I should look into getting top surgery. The ones I’ve talked to also had this discomfort about their breast growing during puberty but they said after some time it decreased but for mines it seems like a problem that hasn’t gone away.

I am so sorry for the delay, seems work and side gigs are taking up a lot of my time lately. 

I can only speak from my experience with my body and from other lesbians I talk to... and I talk to a lot. I have many friends across generations. Many of my younger friends are butch but not all. My older friends are a myriad of types of lesbians and as diverse as the greater population. This weekend now that we are all vaccinated we had a campfire with 12 lesbian, 5 butches present. We have definitely had discussions about our breasts, discomfort, and the mourning over loosing breasts to cancer (or the danger of cancer).  Most of my buddies, from 19 to 68 share similar stories about learning to be at least “okay” with their bodies in a world where our physical attributes are often used to define our personality, and our worth. 

One thing we ALL share, as women, not just lesbians, is that we were at best dissatisfied that we have breasts starting as soon as they begin to form. I was 7 when mom told me I had to wear a shirt outside. Wow was I pissed. AND as a 7 years old I knew it had nothing to do with me but everyone seemed just fine with the fact that men were the issue but since we can’t change them we must change our own behavior.

 I remember thinking “how is me not wearing a shirt a problem”. Breasts had been neutral for me at that point. Just another part of my body. Once I realized “they” made me different, more vulnerable, more controlled, less “human” than those around me without breasts I turned my hate on my body instead of the people who really were to blame. Just like I was taught, I can’t control the men but I perhaps I could control my body. 

I have raised at least 10 teenage daughters (2 are lesbians now) my youngest adopted is 15 and when her other mom told her to put on a shirt in the summer of her 8th birthday, even in our rural yard she looked at me dead in the eye and said “why haven’t you fixed this yet?” (meaning women’s bodies being subject to the eyes and opinions of men). I wonder.. why haven’t we? She is the youngest, but all the others grew from hating their breasts to at least neutral, some really love their bodies and that is lovely. 

Lesbians are unique in our dealings of men’s opinions because we never need or want the approval of men in relation to our bodies. The opposite in fact.. we would prefer they see us void of anything they find sexual. Many women, straight, bi, lesbian eventually either learn to give no shits about the opinions of men or they learn to work around that feeling.

Ok.. all that being said, my story. My breasts are B cups, perhaps C’s when I was a bit heavier weight wise. I wore regular bras WITH padding and always as tight as a could to make them less noticeable. When I came out i switched to sports bras because i was embracing being butch and no longer wanted to play the game of wearing  “pretty bra” . I never wore tight shirts, always baggy. I wore the tightest bra I could wear to keep my breasts smaller, less visible. FOR YEARS. 

Going to a women’s festival opened my eyes to the many ways bodies can be. The many ways BUTCH bodies can exist. Women went topless and NO one sexualized them. (except when appropriate-- like while flirting etc when it was welcomed). Thousands of people, many topless and no one, not one person was oogled, cat called, teased, or otherwise treated as different than someone wearing a shirt.  What did they all share? Why was it different than in other places? Women. All women and mostly lesbians. However that did not automatically translate to “I am going back to the real world and giving no fucks about the reality of existing with breasts in our world”. It took time.

I no longer wear a bra just an undershirt. BUT I am in control of where I go, who I interact with most of the time. If I was still at my retail job, I’d probably still wear a bra. I no longer dislike my breasts. I love them. They bring me pleasure, they bring my girlfriend pleasure. They are a lovely part of me BUT that does not mean I am not very aware in public of my nipples being visible or of people noticing I am braless. And I imagine it is harder for women with larger breasts. 

Had binders been a “thing”, had I had access to a double  mastectomy, or the idea of it i cannot say that would have pursued either. The pattern suggests I would have. But again., neither were on my radar, not options presented to me or encouraged as a way to solve my discomfort.

 I have  three friends who have had elective double mastectomies. And many who had one to prevent or remove cancer. Several of them suffer consistent and painful nerve damage that is not treatable, is quite common, is unpredictable (they can’t know who will have it) and possibly life long. Of the three who were trying to alleviate the distress of dysphoria, all three regret the decision and none of them are over 30 yet. These women are all lesbians. Those who had the surgery because of cancer are thrilled to be happy and alive with less worry, although they do deal with nerve issues and mourn the loss of a part of their body. 

I have a few trans men friends, although we are not close. A  couple of them have had double mastectomies but their thoughts or feelings have not come up, we are just not close enough for such a personal discussion and none have had the surgery for more than 2 years.  I have had lots of older lesbians friends (and a few younger) who did get breast reduction surgery and their health and mental health were both improved. Their backs are better, their clothes fit better and they feel more active, less self conscious with out the physical risks of a full mastectomy. 

The easy answer and what I WANT to say, is be patient, find lots of older lesbians friends to show you your body is neutral, men are the problem. Give yourself time to understand that your breasts are as butch as the rest of you. They are a natural part of your body and how you are meant to be. Also, I know there is not an easy answer. Men will continue to exist. They will continue to sexualize lesbians (with or without breasts). I didn’t outgrow wishing my breasts could just disappear(in public settings) until my 40′s but it got easier and easier to sort of “live with it”. I am many times over grateful for my healthy breasts now. 

Seek therapy.. and not someone who will just go along with what ever you say. My therapists works me hard. She makes me answer the hard questions. She has me vocalize things that I don’t even want to admit in my head let alone out loud. Find one like that. Find one who is willing to explore all the reasons your breasts cause you distress. Then, if you decide to proceed, you can do so knowing you were worth the hard work and you can feel more confident in making an informed decision. Don’t make any decisions based on the opinions of men. Your body. YOUR decision. Write that down on a post it and keep it somewhere you will see it. 

If you would like to speak to some others who are struggling with how you feel or want to talk to lesbians who can tell you about their double mastectomies, DM me, perhaps I can connect you. 

If  anyone wants to add their experience in the notes please be kind. No judgement for anyone making such a difficult decision. 

One last thing to this long post. From one butch to another.  I care about you and I am saddened and angry at  bull shit you have to wade through in this world. I get it. You are not alone. 

[wisteria-lodge]

lion primary + bookkeeper badger secondary (unhealthy badger secondary performance) (in-process lion secondary model)

ok so hi. i'm definitely a lion primary, that much i'm sure of. i've been stuck between badger secondary and lion secondary recently (for what it's worth, intuitively i'm leaning more toward badger secondary, but i wanted to get a second opinion because there's one thing that's not making sense to me)

basically, i'm very focused on my truth and communicating it

So the FIRST thing you said was about the importance of communicating your truth. Which doesn't sell me on Lion secondary by itself. But still. Interesting that's what you lead with.

But I'm very naturally badger secondary i think. i tend to fall into mirroring people and making them feel comfortable quite often. hard work to me is its own reward. the catch is, i don't think i feel *good* doing it? i do in a sense. it's easy for me to do and i like helping people sort their problems out by kinda becoming what they need

This is definitely a description of a Badger secondary, but I'm going to point out the negativity of the word "fall," which suggests loss, loss of control.

So this could be a Badger model, or a somewhat tired and Burnt Badger secondary, or maybe even a Badger secondary in a bad situation. It can be brutal when you find yourself mirroring people you don't want to mirror, or mirroring people you don't like.

i have a *constant* fear that i'll lose myself to it. i feel disgusted with myself for not being true to myself in that moment.

That does sounds pretty Lion. And whatever is going on with your Badger, it's not happy.

that being said, i can't help but wonder if this is just the lion primary coming through.

i solve problems in a badger way, but i think maybe my lion primary values solving them in a different way.

It's possible to get a kind of disconnect between your primary and secondary. I know Badger Snakes will struggle with this, reconciling the bad reputation Snake secondaries are given with the community that they value so highly. But I don't think that's what's going on here.

being myself and speaking my truth is ultimately what i want for myself.

I would break that down into 'Being myself'= Lion primary. 'Speaking my truth' = Lion secondary.

i want to be able to connect with people, help them with their issues, etc. but i'd feel better about doing it if i were more secure in myself during the process. i feel very insecure thinking about the idea of being badger secondary, because it matters to me to have presence, take up space, be known for myself as i am, but if it's the truth i want to work with it.

You have a very, very negative idea of what a Badger secondary is. Like good lord, wallflowers who are doomed to have inauthentic relationships forever because they constantly turn into whoever they're talking to? That's out of a horror movie.

You're thinking of immature Invisible Badgers. Adult Badger secondaries can have so much weight and power and presence. Even if you want to keep it to just Lion Badgers - that's still Moana, Steve Rodgers, Neville Longbottom, Sansa Stark, Castiel, Will Graham - that's off the top of my head.

I think some soul searching is in order. Why is the idea of being a Badger secondary so scary? Is there a doormat Badger secondary in your life that's coloring the whole thing badly? Are you struggling to find a sense of self in general, and think that with a Lion secondary it would be easier?

Because as it is, I can't tell if you're a Lion secondary modeling an unhealthy Badger secondary, or a burnt-out Badger secondary who thinks Lion secondaries are cool.

some additional details in case they help: really unsure between improvisational vs planned. i think i lean a lot more toward improvisational? for example, i'm kinda infamous among my friends for... never planning. ever. they want to make plans a few days ahead, and to me that just narrows my options down. if i'm going to do something, i want to do it naturally and spontaneously, or it just feels stifling.

That's definitely improvisational.

that's not to say that i don't plan ever though. in situations where i genuinely don't feel equipped to manage something, and i've kinda "checked out" of trying to be myself, i'll often plan just to get through whatever it is.

That's definitely a model. And a really negative model, just look at that language - "don't feel equipped" "checked out" "get through whatever."

for example, i do this at work a lot. i've kinda given up on trying to put myself out there there

BURNT SECONDARY

along with that, i have a history of building communities that i feel safe to be myself in, which to me suggests a badger model and lion secondary.

I mean, everyone wants communities where they are safe to be themselves, people just define "being themselves" and "communities" differently.

But your read is definitely possible. Slightly burnt Lion secondary, Badger secondary that makes the Lion secondary feel safe to use... but feels sticky and wrong when you use it too much.

at the end of the day, my gut is telling me i'm probably badger secondary. lion secondary feels more aspirational to me, just cause the tools that badger secondary has feel so natural to me and i tend to revert to them so often (plus it comes with its own rewards).

Well, that is what we are after here. What is the easiest, what is the most... obvious...

ultimately, i do want to be true to myself, but badger techniques do feel good: work to me is zen. i like being able to just work on the things i enjoy.

This sounds really, really Bookkeeper badger. I think that could easily be what's going on here - you're a Bookkeeper Badger who doesn't like having to bring out the Courtier Badger skillset. That's a thing.

i do make people feel safe, and i enjoy it. i have a talent for becoming a tool of sorts, and being what people need me to be in the moment, although i feel really bad about myself if it goes on for too long or i feel like i'm losing myself to it.

Sounds like a Courtier Badger being used in an unhealthy way/non-consensually/for unhealthy reasons.

in short, i'm a very direct person, and i aspire to be even more that way, but i also strongly value badger methods and enjoy them.

You can be an incredibly direct Badger! These two things are not mutually exclusive! Just yesterday I wrote about the super direct Lion Badger from Catch Me if You Can.

i don't honestly know which i'd sacrifice for the other. in theory, being true to myself is a lot more important to me

Lion primary

but in practice i tend to walk the line between pushing boundaries and blending in.

Badger secondary

***

there is one thing i wanted to add to my ask, sorry for sending in two!

i have a complicated relationship with "being myself." i have a super idealized version of what "myself" looks like, and it's pretty standard lion secondary.

So you really like Lion secondaries, and especially with all the improvisational stuff and a desire to "put yourself out there" it sounds like you're building a Lion model. I mean, you're literally constructing a Lion secondary space to exist in.

i tend to get pulled between being myself and giving out my true opinions and shoving myself into this kinda reductionist "helpful and harmless" model that i feel like i get stuck in.

Oh ouch. That barely even sounds like a Badger model, that's a Badger performance.

ultimately i want to be myself for two reasons: one is that it feels more comfortable, and two is that i want people to *see* me that way. i want to be seen as someone bold and direct.

Okay. Here's how I'm reading you. You're a quite loud Lion primary who values "being themselves," and because of that you like and idealize Lion secondaries who seem able to "speak their truth" whenever and however they want.

However, when it comes to solving problems you are extremely Badger. You have a Bookkeeper Badger aspect that you love, and is extremely near and dear to your heart, but you also have a Courtier Badger that you're much more conflicted about. Partly this is because you have a very negative interpretation of what it means to be a Courtier Badger, and partly this is because you've got a constricting Badger performance that you squish yourself into.

So basically... yeah. It's fine to be a Badger secondary who exists in single-player mode most of the time. And it's okay to be a Badger secondary who is really, really direct. Heck, Doctor House is a Badger secondary.

~ thanks @luftschl0ss for the submission ~

[itachi-uchiha-deserved-better]

There were seven of them gathered in the tent that was serving as the temporary council chamber while the leaf village was being rebuilt. Kakashi sat at the head of the circular table, looking uncomfortable in the position of authority that had been thrust upon him in Tsunade’s absence. Next to Kakashi on his left was Shikaku Nara, with Shikamaru seated next to his father. On Kakashi’s right side sat Gai, Yamato, Naruto and then finally there was Sakura, sitting opposite Kakashi, wondering when in the hell she had become important enough to warrant an explicit invitation to a council meeting.

The elders, Sakura noted, were not in attendance. Kakashi had placed both of them under guard since Danzo’s treachery at the five Kage summit came to light. It didn’t really come as much of a surprise to Sakura that the Jonin of the village were hesitant to trust them with matters of importance.

Kakashi fiddled with his pen, as he seemed to search for the best way to approach whatever it was that was important enough for him to call a council meeting in the first place. He kept shooting Yamato glances, which Yamato always answered with a quirked eyebrow or a shake of the head, like there was a silent discussion going on between them. Sakura watched the exchange with fascination as she doodled on the note pad in front of her.

“Fine.” Kakashi growled, ending whatever argument he and Yamato were apparently having, “I guess we ought to just get on with it.” He took a breath, put the pen down very carefully, so that it was sitting perfectly straight in front of him. He swept his gaze around the room, locking eyes with each person who sat at the table in turn.

“You know I’m not the type to do things as officially as they should be done. Were it not for the delicate nature of this matter, I’d have left it for Tsunade to deal with when she recovers. Unfortunately, this is a matter that won’t wait until our Hokage is back on her feet.”

The air in the room seemed to grow still and heavy with tension. Everyone seemed to pick up on the carefully chosen words Kakashi used. Our Hokage. Not him. He had no desire to lead them. When Tsunade wakes up. Because none of them wanted to consider the other outcome.

“As you know, Yamato and I were present for the majority of the 5 Kage summit. I believe everyone here has read our reports regarding the proceedings of the summit and Danzo’s attempt at treason. That is not what we are here to discuss. This meeting is in regards to what happened before our arrival at the summit location. About information intentionally withheld from the official reports.”

Sakura observed the room. A large part of her medical training had focused on sharpening her observational skills. Teaching her to pick up on subtle changes around her, so that she can make decisions with the most information possible. So her keen gaze immediately picks up on the way that Shikaku straightened up in his chair as Kakashi admits to withholding information from the official documentation of their mission. She notes how Shikamaru’s gaze snaps to Naruto’s face, then to hers, trying to read the situation the same way that she was. She can almost visualize tangible waves of tension rolling off of Yamato and the worried look that Gai is giving her Sensei. It seemed that he had at least some inkling of what was going on.

“Honestly, I wasn’t sure that this information should be shared with anyone. The source is questionable, but Yamato and I agree that given the potential ramifications for the village if the information we’ve been given is accurate, that at least the people in this room need to be aware of it.”

More glances shot around the table. Naruto at Sakura. Sakura at Yamato. Yamato and Gai at Kakashi. Shikaku and Shikamaru at all of them. The silence in the room swelled until Shikaku quietly prompted Kakashi, “please continue.”

“Itachi Uchiha.”

The name sent a shockwave through the room. White hot anger flared in Sakura. Itachi. Sasuke’s older brother. The shinobi who had murdered his entire clan in cold blood, who had tried to kidnap Naruto, who was directly involved with the organization that had killed Gaara, that had destroyed Konoha and caused so much pain to the person that she loved. Even if he didn’t love her back, Sakura could never forgive Itachi for the pain he inflicted on Sasuke.

Naruto was shrinking in his seat, like the name was a heavy weight descending on his shoulders. Shikaku and Shikamaru were both now sitting straight backed in their seats, giving Kakashi their undivided attention. Only Yamato and Gai remained impassive.

“What about the Uchiha?” Shikaku asked as the impact of the name started to settle.

“It seems that there is much more to Itachi’s actions than the village was initially lead to believe. Our information indicates that Itachi held no grudge against his clan. That his crimes, while heinous, were carried out under direct order from village leaders.”

Shikamaru laughed, the sound breaking through the tension like a paper bomb exploding in Sakura’s ears, “You must be joking. You can’t honestly believe that Lord Third would have allowed-“

Shikaku grabbed Shikamaru’s arm, and shooting him a sharp look to silence him.

Kakashi sighed, “I understand your skepticism. Like I said, Yamato and I don’t trust the source of our information, but given Danzo’s treachery and how long that was allowed to go on unnoticed, I don’t think we can dismiss anything outright. By the same token, none of this is to leave this tent. Until we are able to verify or disprove the claim, I want to keep this thing quiet.”

Shikamaru huffed, but Shikaku nodded thoughtfully, “Kakashi, you were his Anbu captain at one point. You probably know the most about Itachi of anyone present. Do you believe it’s possible that he was manipulated into massacring his clansmen?”

Sakura expected Kakashi to answer immediately. The entire thought of the village ordering a man to kill his entire clan was ludicrous.

Wasn’t it?

But Kakashi didn’t answer. One minute passed in silence and still Kakashi was sitting there, glaring down at his pen, unable to answer Shikaku’s question. It was Yamato who eventually spoke up.

“I served alongside Itachi on team Ro. Speaking frankly, I could never wrap my head around it. The Itachi I knew wasn’t capable of harboring that much hatred. Even with the proof right in front of our eyes, I couldn’t make sense of it.”

Sakura breathed in a sharp breath of surprise. Neither Kakashi or Yamato ever really spoke about their Anbu days, so she had been completely ignorant of the fact that they’d both been on a team with Itachi, much less been friends with him.

Did Sasuke know?

Kakashi nodded his head, “I agree with Yamato, Itachi Uchiha’s actions never made sense to me. I accepted that I must have missed the signs back then and once everything was said and done, I tried my best not to think about it. About him. He was my teammate, and I had failed him. But if this is true, then I failed him even worse than I ever could have believed.” Kakashi hung his head and Sakura could see how much this pained him. She could only imagine what he felt, having this ghost of his past being dragged back up to the surface, especially after so much recent pain and loss.

“Regardless of my and Yamato’s personal feelings about the man, there are other factors which lead us to believe that at least parts of the information we were given are true. Danzo did possess a number of Sharingan, including an eye that we can confirm belonged to Shisui Uchiha, who supposedly committed suicide by the Naka. Itachi was, at the time, suspected of murdering his cousin.”

Another pause, as Kakashi allowed the information to sink in. Shikaku was nodding his head in recognition of the name. Shikamaru was studying his father closely. Sakura could hear Naruto grinding his teeth in frustration.

“Alright,” Shikaku tapped his finger on the table, “Lets have it then. The whole story.”

Kakashi obliged, and slowly the story came out, with Yamato jumping in when it seemed that Kakashi was struggling to find the right words. About the plan for a coup d'etat that had been brewing within the Uchiha clan. The orders to spy on the Uchiha, to monitor them for signs of rebellion. Itachi’s assignment to team Ro, and his early promotion to captain under Danzo. About the death of a man named Shisui, who according to this had thrown himself off a cliff only after Danzo had stolen one of his eyes. The coup coming to a head, and Hiruzen asking Itachi to buy time to find a better solution than annihilation, and Itachi being approached later by Danzo, with a promise- that Itachi could ensure his little brother’s survival if he singlehandedly stopped the coup. The implication that if Itachi refused, Danzo would ensure the clan’s destruction, Sasuke and Itachi included.

The clan’s lives for Sasuke’s life. That was the deal that was put forth. And Itachi had accepted.

But it was the final bit of the story that chilled Sakura to her core.

“Hiruzen was aware of Itachi’s orders. While he may not have issued them himself, if our source is to be believed, he also made no effort to intervene. Its true that the Uchiha massacre solved the problem of the coup d'etat once and for all. But the only way it ended without anyone losing faith in Hiruzen was for Itachi to shoulder the blame. If he’d remained in the leaf village, Hiruzen would have been forced to punish him for the massacre. So instead, Hiruzen let Itachi leave the village, left the barrier jutsu formula intact so that Itachi could come and go as long as he remained hidden, and Itachi decided to join the Akatsuki. Not as a missing-nin, but as Konoha’s spy.”

Shikaku hummed, nodding his head, “I never was able to come up with a good reason why Hiruzen left the barrier jutsu formula alone. I assumed he believed that Itachi must not have any more reason to target the leaf, but even then when word came that Itachi had joined the Akatsuki, he ought to have changed it.”

“Right,” Kakashi was rubbing at his temple, probably fighting off a headache. He’d had a number of those since his brush with death at the hands of Pein.

“There are piece that add up. The barrier formula. The fact that the leaf village always had more intelligence on the Akatsuki and their movements than the other villages did. Danzo’s possession of the Uchiha eyes, Shisui’s eye especially. But there are also pieces I cant explain. Like why that bastard locked me in a seventy two hour genjutsu that almost killed me. And the only person who could confirm any of this, as far as I know, has been dead for three years.”

Gai said something in response to that, but Sakura had stopped listening, their voices fading to the background as something started to click in her head.

Konoha’s spy.

Had to stay hidden.

Could come and go as he pleased.

Her mind was spinning. Recalling strange orders issued by Tsunade. Treating a shinobi outside the hospital. Not allowed to use her healing chakra at all, only basic medical skills. The threat of being stripped of her rank as a shinobi if she disobeyed. A strange Anbu who never spoke. Who suppressed his chakra at all times. Who had eerily familiar eyes that always seemed to be filled with something she could never hope to understand.

“Sakura? Sakura are you alright?” Naruto’s hand was on her shoulder, shaking her gently. Tenzo and Kakashi were both watching her with concern, “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

The name. Recognition like a bolt of lightning struck her and Sakura stood up so quickly that she sent her chair flying back with a crash.

She felt like she was going to explode. Every eye in the tent was on her, waiting for some kind of explanation for her sudden reaction. How on earth could she not have put it together earlier? Then again, she’d never been given any reason to suspect that Ghost, the strange anbu operative in the blank mask was Sasuke’s older brother.

Tsunade. Tsunade must have known. Her orders were to protect Ghost’s identity, because if Sakura had felt his chakra, even for an instant, she would have recognized the similarities to Sasuke’s, and there was only one other Uchiha left in the world. So many thoughts were crashing around inside Sakura’s mind. Anger. Anger at Ghost…Itachi…for lying to her, even if he had no other choice. It wasn’t like she would have ever helped him before if she knew who he was. She’d have been the first person to turn him in, no matter how much kindness he’d shown her. Anger at Tsunade, for allowing the farce to continue, despite knowing that Itachi had made the only choice he could have. Anger that Hiruzen, for failing to intervene and stop all the pain that the massacre caused. For Sasuke, and for Itachi.

Her eyes met Kakashi’s steady gaze. Her sensei, always so adept at reading what troubled her, waited patiently for her mouth to catch up to her mind.

“You knew?”

“No.” Not a lie. She hadn’t known, “But I’m pretty sure this is the truth. I…” gods above how did she even begin to explain it all? To explain about Ghost, his strange behavior, the bizarre connection they shared.

Tenzo was her saving grace. He seemed to have put some of the pieces together himself.

“The Anbu? The one you told me about?”

Sakura nodded and sank back down into her chair, hugging her arms into herself. The eyes of the group moved off of Sakura, looking to Tenzo for more information.

“Earlier this year, Sakura confided in me about a patient of hers. She wanted to know if I was aware of an Anbu agent whose mask was blank, no markings at all. She told me that Tsunade had asked her to treat him and that the arrangement came with some unusual orders which had her uncomfortable.”

Kakashi raised an eyebrow, “Are you referring to-“ Kakashi cut off, but Tenzo nodded, clearly understanding the question. Shikamaru grumbled.

“Care to explain for those of us who can’t read your mind?”

“Ghost,” Tenzo shot back, “It’s a…well for lack of better terms, it’s a ghost story that exists among the Anbu. A few years back a few genin claimed they were saved by an Anbu agent in a blank white mask, who slaughtered the enemy shinobi who were attacking them and then disappeared without a trace. No one believed them, but since then all kinds of stories about the faceless mask have popped up. Most of them are incredibly far fetched, but there are elements that remain consistent throughout. Black hair. Always alone. Never leaves any survivors except for leaf shinobi. Only fights with Kunai and a tanto, never jutsu. At least, none that anyone ever sees. I didn’t think anything of it, but when Sakura mentioned her patient to me, I did some digging. There is a file for an Anbu agent, codename Ghost, but there’s no serial number on the file, and everything in it was encoded.”

Kakashi sighed, “It’s not proof, but that seems pretty damning.” Apparently Kakashi didn’t have any better explanation that Sakura did.

“In that case, there are a few things to address. First and foremost, it is very likely that Sasuke has also been made aware of the fact that his brother acted under orders. I don’t think he knows about Itachi’s identity as an Anbu operative, but we need to be prepared because I’m not sure what kind of effect this information will have on him. The last I knew, Sasuke’s sole focus was on killing his brother for revenge. It’s quite possible that his desire for revenge will shift to target the village, or at least those he feels most responsible for Itachi’s actions.”

Everyone in the tent nodded their agreement.

“The second question is one of what to do about Itachi himself.”

This time no one nodded. It was a momentous question.

“Are you sure we need to do anything at all?” Shikaku asked, trying to be as gentle with the question as possible. Tenzo slammed his hand down on the table and looked like he wanted to throw himself at Shikaku.

“Of course we have to do something! He’s a leaf shinobi! He’s put his life in danger for the past nine years, alone, hated by everyone in order to protect the village. He deserves to know that he isn’t being held responsible for being forced to make an impossible choice when he was thirteen fucking years old!”

“Easy, Tenzo,” Kakashi seemed to be doing his best to keep his tone level, trying not to let his emotions get the better of him while they sorted things out, “You know that I want to see him again as much as you do, as a friend. But we need to consider what’s best for the village. At the least, I don’t think we need to come to a decision right now. Our first priority is to rebuild the village itself. When Tsunade wakes up, I’m sure she’ll have something to say on the matter.”

Sakura clenched her fist and felt her chakra start flowing into them out of instinct. You better believe that she’ll have something to say. I’ll make sure of it.

She pushed herself up from the table. She needed to hit something. Needed to break something. And if she didn’t leave now, she couldn’t be sure what exactly it was she was going to break. Better safe than sorry.

“Sakura? Going somewhere?”

“For a walk,” She hissed, daring anyone to try and stop her as she stormed out of the tent.

[leiascully]

Communication is such an essential part of any relationship. Why are Scully and Mulder so bad at it?

Communication you know? I feel like all of their issues could be solved (or at least addressed and worked through) if they just sat down together and had an honest chat

I definitely agree that many of their issues could be solved with a little more direct communication about their relationship.  Ironically, they’re great communicators in other ways: there are a lot of subtle body language cues, voice inflections, eyebrow-based conversations, etc.  Mulder’s not wrong in Detour when he says they have unspoken communication.

But feelings are hard to talk about, and they’re even harder to talk about when this is a person you’re not supposed to have feelings for, beyond “this is my partner and we protect and support each other”.  I think Scully is embarrassed by her crush on Mulder at first, because of course, of COURSE she has a crush on this guy, and she shouldn’t, because this is her career and she needs to focus and he’s clearly too sophisticated and also too out-there to be any kind of real prospect, but she can’t help feeling tender when she sees that curl of hair drop across his forehead, or when he gets that lost-boy look in his eyes and she remembers his confessions about his sister.  I don’t think she’s ever had a professional relationship that involved this degree of playfulness.  And Mulder is adamant to himself that he’s not going to fall for the spy, because he’s already been through that with Diana.  At least he knows Scully was sent to sabotage him, even when she seems to be his ally.  He’ll show Scully his tender underbelly, but he won’t give her his heart.  

And they’re both pushy, and they’re both stubborn, and they’re both charmed, and sometimes the things you don’t say develop this gravity of their own, and sink down under everything else, and the effort to say them is too much, so you keep letting them go unsaid even as the weight of them tugs at and shapes every other word you say to each other, but you can’t say them now.  They’re too deep under all the other layers.  They’re too obvious.  You know the way astronomers infer the existence of new planets from the way the light bends?  We can’t always see them, but we know they’re there because their influence is obvious.  That’s what it’s like for Mulder and Scully, falling in love, and if it were any other thing, they’d talk about it, argue about the evidence for its existence, but they’re not here to investigate the mysteries of the heart.  It’s the only taboo they have left, the only boundary they haven’t crossed, and if they have one left, maybe they’re not off the map.  Maybe they can still salvage some sense of normality, because if this is really that kind of love, then what else matters?  Love is more important than the truth.  We see that every time Mulder refuses to trade Scully for a chance of getting Samantha back.  We see it when Scully is willing to sacrifice herself for Mulder’s career and he refuses.  We see it when Scully goes to the Ivory Coast and comes back with nothing but ideas on how to cure Mulder and every time she plants her feet and demands that the government return him to her car.

So no, of course they can’t talk about it.  Talking about it would make it real.  Nobody really wants to find Nessie or Bigfoot: the mystery is part of the appeal.  We can believe in Nessie and Bigfoot and magic and charming secrets as long as we don’t examine them too directly.  If it’s not love, they don’t want to know, because they haven’t felt anything like this before.  If it is, it’s too precious to pick apart in one of their usual debates.  No slideshow could encompass love.  And they’re afraid the other one doesn’t feel that way, that they’ve misinterpreted the evidence, that whatever the other person is doing and feeling is consistent with partnerhood and nothing else (even though Mulder knows better, having had partners before).  There’s a delicate equilibrium of equal and opposite forces in their relationship, for a number of reasons.  If only one of them were in love, the balance would be thrown off.  That person would always be at a loss, always losing the other, always grieving that loss.  So they don’t talk about it.  It’s a treasure they’re not sure can bear the light and they can’t risk losing it.

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[kumeko]

A/N: This is for the Albion zine! I’m making so many assumptions on Arthur’s and Gwen’s ages, ahaha.

…

…

…

…

There were some duties royalty couldn’t avoid. Maintaining borders, listening to petitioners, solving the issues of squabbling nobbles—Guinevere Pendragon’s mornings were filled with task after task. It was all she could do to sit on her throne, listening as some petty lord’s son tried to worm his way out of his obligations. The only good part was when she could help the commoners, and even she felt worn after listening to a long line of applicants. It had been six years and she still hadn’t gotten used to it

Luckily, though, she was done for the day. The last petitioner had scurried out, eager to claim his new chicken. The lords had gone home for the day, no doubt to create yet another trouble for her to deal with tomorrow. All that was left were her knights and her. Raising a regal hand, Guinevere gestured for them to leave. “Thank you for your services. I would like to be alone for a while.”

The guards bowed before turning and leaving. The second the heavy, oak doors slammed shut, she sighed and slumped in her seat.

“That wasn’t that bad,” a familiar voice teased from across the room. Even before he stepped out into the flickering light, she knew who it was: Merlin.

“That is debatable,” she replied, smiling as she slipped off the throne. Her long lilac dress flowed behind her as she walked down the dais.

“You sound like Arthur, Gwen,” Merlin chuckled, coming closer. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d heard that nickname—there were so few alive that still used it. “I guess it’s true what they say about couples.”

“Is it now?” Gwen laughed as well. It was strange, that she’d reached the point where it didn’t hurt to hear Arthur’s name anymore. “I like to think I have a little more sense than him.”

“A little,” Merlin agreed.

She smacked him on the arm before hugging him tightly. “It’s good to see you, old friend.”

“You too.” He embraced her back. “I thought queens didn’t hit?”

“Only you.” Gwen grinned, pulling back to look at him properly. As usual, Merlin had that boyish charm to him, with his bright blue eyes and constantly smiling mouth. He always looked ready to crack a joke. “You’re exactly the same.”

“Handsome?” Merlin guessed, his eyes twinkling.

“In your dreams,” she snarked back, chuckling. Talking to him, it was all too easy to forget that time had passed, that Arthur wasn’t outside the door, waiting to yell at him for being tardy. Quietly, she asked, “Is it…”

She trailed off, but he understood. Merlin ran a hand through his hair as he looked away. “Magic? Maybe.” He shrugged. “It’s a little hard to figure out why I still look like this when there’s no one around to teach me. I like to think it’s a perk.”

Gwen curled a lock of her hair around her finger, frowning at the white strands amongst the black. She was thirty now, and she felt it with every fiber of her being. Or maybe that was just loss that made her feel that way. “Will you also live forever, or just look young until you die?”

He scratched his chin as he pondered it for a second. “I’m…I’m not sure actually. I mean, I don’t really feel older either?” He shrugged, before winking. “I’ll be the most handsome corpse at least.”

“Again, in your dreams.” Gwen chuckled. “So you’re back from your journey now? What were the results?”

“Well…” Merlin’s expression grew grim and he clasped his hands behind his back. “Not good, I’m afraid. Well, actually, one good—no one’s getting burned anymore. So, that’s a plus.”

“And?” she pressed, bracing herself. “You don’t have to sugarcoat it.”

Merlin winced. “Magic…” He bit his lip. “Magic is all but gone.”

“Oh.” She had expected that news for years now, but that didn’t soften the blow at all. Turning around, she studied the throne. The gold looked dull in the dim light, the plush reds as dark as blood. It had been years now; she could barely remember what it looked like when Uther sat on it. When Arthur sat on it. A lump formed in her throat. “Was there anything I could have done?”

“I think it was too late for a while now,” Merlin murmured gently, standing beside her. He clasped her hand tightly. His skin was warm and she took comfort from it.

“A prophecy?” she guessed. When he didn’t reply, she knew she’d hit the mark. Steeling herself, Gwen asked, “What else is supposed to happen?”

Merlin still kept quiet. He had always been a terrible liar and she closed her eyes. A sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach told her exactly what was to come.

“Camelot will fall,” she answered for him.

Immediately, he shook his head, denial on his lips. “Prophecies are hard to understand and they’re never—”

“Then what did it say?” Gwen asked, interrupting. She turned slightly, just enough to look him in the eyes. Ruling alone had taught her just how to steel her voice and order someone. “Tell me.”

“…when Arthur returns, Camelot will rise again,” Merlin muttered, looking away. He’d never been good with confrontation. Even now, after it all, he preferred working behind the scenes.

“Rise again,” Gwen muttered, ignoring the first part. She wasn’t ready to consider the implications yet. “So we have to fall then. Do you know when?”

“Not really, prophecies are really vague about that sort of thing.” Merlin squeezed her hand tighter, no doubt trying to be reassuring. She didn’t have the heart to tell him it was anything but. “They’re also unreliable—maybe it’s just a figure of speech. Or nothing will happen.”

“Do you really think that?” Gwen asked pointedly, giving him a look. She was too old for pussy-footing, not when that had led to Arthur’s death before.

He sighed, shoulders slumping. She could almost see the weight of it all on him, the lies and secrets he’d kept over the years. Gwen had never asked him about what he’d done when they were younger, about just how many of those strange incidents had his hand in it. At one point, they’d been fun, and she felt nostalgic for a time long gone.

Quietly, Merlin shook his head and murmured, “Not really.”

“I see.” There was something calming about knowing an unchangeable truth. Maybe it was because it didn’t matter what she did now.

Merlin frowned. “Don’t let it—”

“It’s fine.” She smiled, letting go of his hand to wrap an arm around his waist and side hug him. Their heights were similar and she wondered if in exchange for magic, he’d lost out on a growth spurt. “Did you know that I’m thirty now?”

“I couldn’t guess.” As usual, he had a dry, witty response to everything. “You still look like you’re in your twenties.”

She pinched his arm. “Stop teasing.”

Merlin yelped and jerked away. “Again with the violence. You don’t have to take after Arthur there.”

“He possessed me and made me do it,” she retorted, flipping her long hair. “He wanted to remember just what a beautiful, adoring wife you’re insulting.”

“Okay, that was creepy, you sounded exactly like him.” Merlin shivered.

“Still possessed.” She giggled. Sighing, she stretched her arms behind her as she sobered up. “Thirty…you know, I’m almost Uther’s age now. My brother and Arthur will never reach this age. I might end up even older than my father even.”

“When you put it that way, it’s really weird.” Merlin bit his cheek. Quietly, he added, “You know, I might end up outliving all of you?”

“And you’ll still have cheeks that make aunts want to pinch them?” Gwen replied playfully, making a pinching motion with her fingers. It was hard to think of something that far away, of an older Merlin taking care of their graves. “Make sure to visit.”

“You won’t know if I do,” he replied weakly.

“I’ll know.” She rested her hands on her hips. “And bring flowers.”

He held his hands up in surrender. “Any other demands, your highness?”

“I’ll think about it.” Gwen winked mischievously. She glanced at the throne again. It was too easy to Arthur on it, giving her a cheeky smirk. Curling her hand into a fist, she asked, “That first part of the prophecy—he’ll return?”

“Oh…” A grim expression crossed Merlin’s face and he rubbed his neck. “One day. Maybe. I don’t know when though.”

“So after I die then…” Gwen sighed. Of course, it wouldn’t be that easy. Time had softened the edges of her heartbreak until it was just a dull pain. That didn’t stop it from hurting. “You know, they’ve been asking when I’ll remarry.”

“No,” he said, his tone incredulous as he came closer.

Gwen nodded, annoyance creeping into her voice. “Yes.”

“But…” He wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her close till their shoulders bumped. “You…”

“No, it makes sense.” Gwen rested her head on his shoulder, inhaling Merlin’s herby scent. She’d missed this during his absence. There was no one else she could speak her mind to like this. No one else who really understood everything she’d been through. “Like I said, I’m thirty now. Who knows when I’ll die—if there’s no heir, then Camelot ends with me.”

“Still,” Merlin argued feebly, always using his heart instead of his head. She’d been the same, before her long, solo rule. “They can’t force you, right?”

“No, they can’t. But…I wonder if that’s why Camelot will end. Because of me.” Gwen buried her face in his neck. “If I just don’t…it’ll all collapse because of me…”

“That’s not true at all,” Merlin rejected firmly. He gently pressed a kiss on her hair. “You’re the reason Camelot’s still standing. You can always just name someone else your heir—and you can pick someone because they are a good leader, not just because they’re born into it.”

Now that was comforting. Gwen lifted her head slightly, searching his eyes. Unlike before, he looked confident. “That’s a good idea.”

“You know me, full of great ideas,” he teased.

“I said good, not great.” Gwen laughed, straightening her posture. “Pick our own leader…the lords won’t like it.”

“Since when have you cared what they think?” he challenged, raising a brow.

“Since I became Queen,” she replied, but that didn’t stop the thought from echoing through her head. “Still…I like that. I like it a lot. You’re right. Camelot won’t end with me, not after everything. I won’t let it.”

“That’s my girl.” Merlin beamed, all teeth and she felt like she was falling back in time, to when it really was as simple as wanting it. “I’ll help.”

“Like I’d let you off the hook otherwise.” Gwen grinned.

Perhaps they couldn’t change anything. It was a prophecy, after all. But this wasn’t the first time she’d faced something impossible.

If a blacksmith’s daughter could turn into a queen, she could definitely keep her kingdom from collapsing.