#also its nice to make friends because my irl friends dont want to talk about anime and fantasy books!

[salsflore]

been almost 3 yrs and i am still struggling with the whole mikachi first meeting thing. bye

[mistninja]

One day i woke up with the confidence to talk shit on here and i havent shut up since. Thank you everyone for listening to my rambles and silly thoughts :) theres a lot of stuff i cant talk about irl and i appreciate having a place where i can share my interests with others and have fun

[princemick-archive]

🌸 do your worst

no <3

mutuals send a 🌸 and I'll compliment you

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for flirting with my online friend 🌐❓

i (20s, trans man) have been getting closer to my online friend (same as me). we were mutuals for a while in what i can best describe as an online writing community but only started actually talking last year when i approached him to do a project together. we've been pretty strictly platonic for the last year but this year it's ramped up a bit (in part i think due to greater proximity)- we make a lot of sexual jokes at each other. now that's not necessarily a big deal because we do it at other male (and not male in his case) friends of ours, its just sort of how our circle interacts with each other, but it's a bit different for me because i do actually have somewhat of a crush on him. i'm not super sure of how he feels towards me, but i do think he knows at least partially how i feel and is at least humouring our banter.

now here's where i feel like an asshole. i have no intention of dating him at all- even if he does like me back, the reality is that we live on two entirely separate continents and neither of us have the financial means to go see each other. now you could suggest we date long distance or online but i've done that like 4 different times now with 4 different people and i just know it doesn't work for me, for a variety of reasons i won't get into. just trust me when i say it would end poorly. i'm not on speaking terms with any of my exes (nor do i want to be, bar one) and my friend is important enough to me that if we ended up like that then i'd be really upset about it. usually when i break up with someone or am broken up with i'm left with a lot of resentment and bitterness. plus our writing project would be tanked, which i'm not willing to jeopardise because i think it's excellent, he's a great partner.

in addition to that i'm only a few months out of a pretty rough breakup with someone i also had viewed as a close friend (irl, not online). i'm not conflating them here, because they aren't alike whatsoever, but i worry that im using my friend as an emotional rebound to cope with what my ex did to me, even if he doesn't know it. i don't want my ex back and i am honestly still feeling a lot of anger towards him, so it's been nice putting my attention and libido elsewhere. however i know how shitty it feels to be someone else's rebound guy and would hate to do that to my friend. plus i could be stunting my own healing progress?? idk

it initially was just a bit of fun but i've had to privately and seriously talk myself down from getting jealous as fuck when my friend has had other people jokingly (or not jokingly, who knows) flirt with him. i'm a pretty intense person (hi, bpd) so i've been trying to reign myself back and keep things chill and funny between us but i'm getting kind of concerned whether i should stop entirely so my feelings go away or if im fine enjoying giving and being given attention in return, even if it doesn't lead anywhere. even just liking him is kind of breaking three of the rules i'd set for myself after my last few relationship disasters (no more online stuff, no more white boys, let my brain cool down and dont be interested in anyone for at least a year) so i kind of just don't know where i should be taking this if anywhere

[flowers-for-em]

eugh i need irl friends so my parents dont think im totally hopeless

homeschool sucks sometimes

like i have ZERO

wait scratch that

ONE irl friend and she's in grade seven

and yeah idrc about the age difference but it'd be nice to have some friends who are my age and dont just gossip to me about the crazy shit that happens in ur pre-teen toxic as hell friend group

like NO i do not care that amelia was a bitch or the fact that samantha was talking shit about you

and also why you being so insensitive about people's family members dying?? ur friends using her uncle dying as a way to get more popular?? and ur lowkey not unhappy that HE DIED?? wtf is wrong with you all?? LIKE GENUINELY WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE???

YOU THINK I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT SHIT THAT PROBABLY SHOULD BE KEPT QUIET???

so yes i need new friends and when i say friends i mean actual friends who like me for me and don't judge me and let me be me and still accept me.

not someone who expects me to answer every single time they call and when i dont pick up spam call me complaining i never answer because unfortunately when you start doing shit like that it makes me NOT want to answer. but when i do yeah sure its nice to talk to someone outside of my family for a change.

but all i am is a person you can relay all your gossip to cause i can keep quiet. who would i tell?? you dont really give a shit about my life cause whenever we talk about me its somehow always constantly changed back to you.

and i let it happen because ✨ p e o p l e p l e a s e r ✨

my parents still pull me aside every now and then asking if i'm okay knowing that we aren't socialised very much and it hurts to not say yeah ive got friends online cause that would send them into panic mode

so yes

i. need. new. friends.

[cliowo]

In this essay, i will explain the reasons why sky children of the light has become an increasingly unwelcoming game to new players and veterans alike-

Yeah yeah i usually only share my words here but tumblr feels like a really comfy place for me to share unfiltered thoughts and i needed somewhere to vent ig (skip if you have no idea what I'm talking about)

When I first started playing in prophecy, sky was a really fun game. We didn't have the request for a guide function then and I'm actually really grateful for it because the joy was in exploring each of the different realms and season areas on my own and randomly stumbling across spirits whose stories were waiting for me to discover. Maybe it was because I was a dumb moth - i didn't even know how to access seasonal spirits trees - but the pressure to cr just wasn't as intense as it is for moths today. The back to back seasons and "days of" events seem to have sucked the fun of exploring the world of sky for moths because they're so focused on grinding for candles/hearts/event currency that they just dont slow to smell the in-game roses anymore. And the thing is I get it because there's just so many new cosmetics as well as older ones from past seasons and events to farm for.

I mean sure you don't have to collect every cosmetic but 1 cape costs like 70 candles on average, same for a pair of pants iirc, a prop/acessory at 40-70 candles (70 if its an instrument??) , and hair at around 40-50 candles; and the best part is you can only earn 20-21 candles max in 1 reset 🤡 Add all of that plus the need to look for event currency in fear of facing such prices in the event rerun and you get stressed out moths facing existential crises every 2 weeks when ts arrives😀 Sorry moths, the economy is bad irl and just as bad in sky.

And what of the veterans? Yeah, well, we get no friends as everyone starts to quit the game and those that stay live off copium revisiting the places we once visited with friends- Or maybe that's just me

New friends, you say? *cue flashback to moths begging for help with cr* we exchanged like maybe 5 sentences max at chat benches🥲 i have nothing against helping out but it does make it difficult to form a bond when they disappear right after and you fade into their constellation of ubers

And then we have the seasons.

... Honestly the only season that made an impression with me after aurora was the recently concluded season of the 9 coloured deer, which was also another collab season💀

I actually had to check the sky wiki for this:

Remembrance - ironically very forgettable. What was the story again? Was it the one with the group of spirits living in one specific hole in vault like why- vault is bigger than that sad hole- OH THE PLUSHIES okay maybe this one was passable... im trying okay

Passage - ??? Havent finished this season's quests so uh- so far it seems like... a cult..? In isle...?

Moments - if they wanted a camera in-game, they could have just added it to like the days of sunlight event (the camping one) or smtg. They did not have to force a season for a camera💀 imho the camera was the only thing worth mentioning abt this season and i don't even take pictures

Revival - i suppose aviary is pretty and it's nice that the spirits have somewhere to stay now. Not particularly impressed. Don't really remember the story in this one.

...i heard rumours of a furniture season after the 9 coloured deer. Looking forward to hearing what they'll name this one lmao

The quality of "days of" events is still acceptable to me. Just maybe ignore the numerous iaps and the fact that we have multiple umbrellas but only 1 is f2p (don't understand whats up w that btw)

And also the recurring bugs💀 I've been playing for at least 3 years and I've faced these bugs/problems multiple times:

1. Unable to light frends constellations because the screen just yeets itself into oblivion or some random environment feature where i cant press the button

2. Game crashes (after every update istg-)

3. Splitting servers

4. Sky discrimination and gate keeping, aka refusing to let me open the game

5. Being unable to collect currency/dailies (it's not my internet i checked)

The lack of compensation is another matter entirely

I don't know man I'm tired. The only reason why I still have it installed is because it's my only link to the people I used to have fun and relax with. Not everyone has discord or insta or some other social media.

If you made it this far thank you for coming to my ted talk. Feel free to leave your thoughts- just remember to be respectful

Tldr:

The sky economy is bad. For everyone. Moths (and maybe even vets) are stressed out and vets are losing friends. The seasons are increasingly dull and the long-lived bugs are frustrating.

[polyamorouspunk]

Fully agree with you on the trans thing. It’s something I struggled with for a LONG time that I didnt *want* to be fully 100% trans. Like I fit in with trans people, I was transmasc, but I never felt *trans*. If that makes any sense??

People used to tell me all the time that I had to be trans if I checked xyz boxes. And I hated it. Now, years later, I’ve made it to a point that I just *am*. And it took me SO LONG to realize that was even an option. To just be myself without putting a label on it. I dont need to be fully cis or fully trans. Im just a little bit of everything and fully me.

It still confuses my queer friends. That I just *do not* care and dont put any importance on it. So its nice to see someone else with that opinion. Thank you

Yes!

Listen like I do not care if people reblog my posts and disagree with me. Like that’s you’re right as an individual. But what I don’t like is when I make a post talking about my identity and someone “corrects” me on it.

The problem with the push to be super inclusive, sometimes, is that people stop making it about who *wants* to be a part and who doesn’t.

I know people who are gay men who have 0 interest in being part of the LGBTQ+ community. Gay men who are like I’m not queer I’m not part of the community I’m just gay but I’m not identifying with the community in any way.

I know people who have described their “gender” to me almost verbatim the way that trans people have described to me their gender and have told me they do not consider themselves trans in any way, and it kind of sucks because I’m like… I know that if I were someone else they might put that label on that person even if that person doesn’t want it?

I’ve had people ON THIS BLOG send me asks telling me I am not trans and other people send me asks saying I’m not cis. Like lmao it’s so fucking funny pick one you guys. I gotta be one or the other- SIKE no I don’t. I’ve had people dump me over saying “I’m both cis and trans” which in hindsight seems kinda ableist because that was actually when I started IDing as plural so like. The idea you can’t be both is like. You know there are people with different experiences than you right. Like some common enough to be in textbooks. Not like some “out there” concepts like if you can grasp the concept of DID you can understand how perhaps to some degree a person can be different than their literal AGAB without being trans. Just for one example.

Sometimes I also fail to realize this but. When you reblog someone’s post, or comment on it, or send them an ask, etc… you are coming into THEIR space. I mean it very much went through my mind to be like “just ignore it” but I was like someone is coming onto MY post where I try and validate MY gender experiences and telling me people like ME are quite literally exactly what I’m talking about where I’m like actually I’m valid if I’m a little trans and outright saying “YOU AREN’T A LITTLE TRANS UWU” like. Hi it’s you you’re the problem you’re the people I’m validating myself to. Like I don’t care how politely and nicely you try and dress it up with inclusive language do not put me into a box I do not want to be put in because you think “that I have to be trans because I check xyz boxes” yeah literally. I know fully cis people who check “xyz boxes” and I ain’t out here telling them that actually they’re trans and valid for it. Like bro if you tell me you’re cis who am I to disagree.

In the near future you’ll never hear the words “I’m transgender” come out of my mouth directly. I might post it on here or say irl that I “dabble in transgenderism” but I do not outright say irl in person that I am transgender not because I’m “dealing with internalized transphobia” and “not ready to fully accept myself to be transgender in the real world instead of just offline” like no I just don’t ID as “transgender” period. Or you know what maybe I am but also who are you to say that’s what I am? How are you helping exactly? How is acting like I can’t “really accept myself for who I truly am” helping me any? Idk. Just because you have good intentions doesn’t make it better than the people who have bad intentions. Both are issues. Both are problematic.

Learn to go “actually it’s not my fucking business if someone is trans or cis or neither” and “they can call themselves whatever they want” and that includes NOT wanting to be included.

[heyyallitsbeth]

so i let the hyperfixation win.

over the past several hours i rewatched Sword Art Online and SAO 2.

(this time dubbed, last time i watched it subbed)

here are my thoughts:

-anyone who said the dub was bad is just wrong. Kirito's VA really shines in the more comedic or sweet moments (like when first meeting Yui), he reminds me of like a Peter Parker. and oh my lord, the breakdown by Suguha's VA was just a masterpiece. Still have chills from watching it.

-i have such a big appreciation for every character. This time it really shined through how good of characters Kirito, Asuna, and Suguha actually are.

Kirito's internal conflict throughout SAO2 is so good, grappling with their actions they needed to take in SAO to survive. and throughout all of it you can tell how much they truly loves their friends and family, and how kind hearted they really are. Asuna definitely fits into that role as well, being so ready to take care of Yui and so desperately wanting her to be safe and loved and cared for.

And oh my gosh Suguha. I remember people absolutely hated her arc because it is problematic, but the fact is, it's played entirely serious, her feelings arent taken as a joke. She has a genuine and real internal struggle for feeling things she feels she shouldnt, and how she feels those feelings arent reciprocated or cant be reciprocated, and having her heart broken twice by someone who she loves and someone who also does still genuinely love her. Its absolutely heartbreaking to watch.

Man, Sinon is still fantastic. She's still my absolute favorite, and I think she is one of the best characters in the show, and pretty much steals the show from her introduction. Her arc ties in so seamlessly with Kirito's and how they help eachother heal and grow is fantastic. Only complaint is we never got a scene of the rest of the Gals being jealous about the grenade hug she gave Kirito. After Kirito and Sinon nearly died, wouldve been some nice relief so you didnt feel like you yourself were dying.

-Speaking of, while there was definitely a ton of fanservice, the pseudo-harem aspect with the jokes were kinda cute, between characters seeing flirting happen around them, getting embarassed over it, its fun. Especially when people got jealous of Sinon flirting with Kirito over Excalibur. That part was very fun, since they did that infront of everyone else, almost like they were trying to get a rise out of them. Theyre not exactly the pinnacle of comedy, its definitely a trope, but theres something nostalgic about it that makes it kinda enjoyable.

-Speaking of the psuedo-harem, guys if all of you are constantly flirting with eachother (not just Kirito surprisingly, happens between the other girls frequently) and jealous of any affection with that, just start a polycule. You're a group of gamer girls playing MMOs together and all of you have slept in the same bed with eachother. Stop snipping at eachother and start dating eachother. Polyamory is pretty cool. Kirito and Asuna can still be the main duo and be the parents to Yui and Strea; but yall gotta work on the jealousy or just do what every other group of girl gamers does, polyamory. Lisbeth you should not be angrily drinking while watching Kirito and Asuna talk. (this is mostly a joke, im not actually saying they *have* to do a polycule, its more of a joke because of how tropey a lot of the flirting and jealousy is, and yknow, gay girls do polyamory, so dont take this part toooooo seriously.)

-Speaking of girls dating girls, the LGBT rep aint half bad. Argo canonically using both male and female pronouns is really cool! Most of the girls flirt with eachother a lot too, which is nice. Between the female avatar, the willingness to pretend to be a girl, the introversion, the desire to be an avatar in a virtual world more than irl, Kirito might be transgender. All good stuff here.

Overall, SAO is honestly way better than I remembered, even if some parts definitely show its age. You gotta piece it together a little bit with headcanons, but i do that with every show, nothing is perfect. Except Sinon. And a world where trans Kirito is canon. Those are perfect.

[kandidandi]

What’s it like being autistic?

sorry if this is weird or sounds rude-

I’m just curious ‘^^

this isnt rude at all, tho one autistic person is never the same as another, its a spectrum so everyones experience is different. (i will talk about my experience. bad + half bad half good and good yknow (p.s. i am not an expert on the tism don't quote me))

its good and bad, sometimes i love having autism and sometimes i wish i didnt have it.

i hate having it because i cant go into shopping centres without panicking or breaking down because of all the noises and sensations. i got bullied for literal years in a row for being the weird kid and i didnt know why until i found out i was autistic. i dont like being spoken to in a condescending way like im five years old once someone learns about my autism either hgh

sounds and noises are way louder and lights are brighter. i wear sunglasses and carry earplugs for when its especially bad. when im in a crowded environment like the city i have a hard time calming myself down and sometimes meltdown because of all the sensations going on (not all autistic people hate the city).

bright lights and noises aren't just annoying, they physically hurt aswell (dont ask me how)

i love matching my clothes together! like if i have a blue shirt i'll have blue socks :D but but but if i cant find a combination i like i'll panic because nothing seems right. i really like some textures one day but might hate them the next, for example i really love the feeling of foam beads but sometimes they feel so bad i'll throw up.

im semi-verbal, sometimes i can talk and talk and talk but then sometimes im super quiet and its hard for me to say anything, for this i have hand signals i use with my family and friends to communicate what i want to say! other autistics may also use cards or AAC (Augmentative and alternative communication (basically just speaking with a phone or tablet).

i love having it because i feel things more intensely and see the world differently. i stim almost constantly because it feels nice and makes me happy. i love listening to my favourite music because i connect with it a lot, not because of the lyrics but just cuz makes me extremely happy idk its hard to explain. i love having echolalia, when i pay for soemthing the machine makes a beep and i always always say beep in response awawa and sometimes the cashier will beep aswell!!! i love when im so happy i need to full body stim to regulate myself its great i love it. i love being easily entertained! slap some blocks infront of me and i'll have a blast for hours!! i also really like puzzles and jigsaws because of this awawa (i also really like solitare and minesweeper)i also also love having random sayings i use like "awawawa"! i actually do say these things irl aswell as a vocal stim hehehe

[florenceisfalling]

gripping [redacted irl person] by the shoulders.

it does not matter how many r/egg_irl astolfo memes you pull up quite literally asking for random people (including cishets you just met???) to figure out your gender for you. the other queers are not going to feel safe around you when you spend your entire time on campus harassing people, misgendering transmascs in romantically/sexually charged ways, and getting a trans woman (who you Also misgender!) kicked out of her fucking housing. using "i wanna be a girl but im still cis though 👉👈" doesn't come across as endearing anymore when you tell younger transmascs that you wanna make them your gf and have kids with them, or when you used to tell everyone you were a cishet dude and literally fucking ran to physically chase down lesbians you'd never spoken to walking alone at night, or when you. I REITERATE. got a fucking trans woman kicked out of her dorm while calling her a man!! force her to switch to different housing by calling the fucking campus police on her because youre sad!!! and then lie saying she called them on you!!!! the only reason i felt bad for you and was nice to you was bc i thought you were just a sad maybe-autistic maybe-ace person who needed friends (and then maybe-trans maybe-woman maybe-lesbian) but your college experience seems dedicated to making life as hard as possible for every autie, trans person, woman, ace person, lesbian, and various mixes of the above you encounter - and then fucking lying and threatening everyone you consider your "friends" to get what you want after they repeatedly ask you to stop. i had enough of this when my exfriend fucking molested a girl and then said "i think i might be a transbian" as a poor attempt at an excuse (as if tgirls get away with that shit? as if they arent horribly scrutinized??) until all his cis guy friends forgot abt the girl's trauma and then went back to "nvm im a cishet guy :)" once everyone was chill with him again. i am fucking beyond tired of it now that its someone pulling the "i think i might be a transbian too" after fucking up so bad you couldve made a tgirl homeless and openly misgendering and mistreating other tgirls and sexually harassing other queers and refusing to spend any time around trans people (except for those you perceive as cis women - of course, including trans people who don't pass to your liking). stop asking me to decide whether your egg needs cracked or not and start treating trans women (and everyone else, too, what the fuck is wrong with you??) with respect and maybe you'll get some satisfying advice (since you didnt take mine) but at this point everyone is either scared of you or fucking hates you and theres not a single trans person ive met on this campus who has anything to say about you other than "oh yeah, that person stalked me/my friends". like sorry if im a little hesitant to validate you (AS IF YOU DESERVE IT AFTER CALLING SECURITY ON A TGIRL TO KICK HER OUTTT MY GOD I HATE YOU) but you also said "oh dont worry im ace :)" after sending weird sexual shit to someone (after they asked you to fucking QUIT) so youre not new to using your identity as a shield and now turning around and talking abt how you MAYBE are HYPOTHETICALLY a tgirl teehee but you cant decideeeee doesnt change the fact that your actions suck ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!! EXPLODE

[ask-teamplayer]

You should all say one good things about each other, to yk spread positivity through the group 😁

FATE: I'm glad Ronin didn't set anything on fire when I asked him to.

FATE: You'd be surprised how little he actually listens to me. When it comes to matters of the heart. And matters of the crime.

FATE: See? It's not so hard. Ronin, your turn. Pass it on, you sick fuck.

RONIN: youre really fucking me in the ass with this one. also, i just put the fire thing on the backburner. ill think about it more later.

RONIN: uh.

RONIN: i like that l is out of her middle school catgirl phase.

LILY: irl, maybe!!! heehee :3 i have an anime catgirl discord profile picture.

LILY: oh, we're doing a compliment game, right! i gotta pass one off. okay: i think darin is really sweet! i like how empathetic he is, he always seems to care when one of us is sad and he always wants to do what we're doing, even though he could leave us in the dirt and call it stupid like a certain SOMEONE here.

LILY: i also like how he calls me "bossman" i think it's cute!!! :3 and the chief thing. adorkable!!!

DARIN: sngjdgpdh ok just hit me with that one huh hun aright

DARIN: ok pass on the compliments right

DARIN: i rlly like seth and all he does for us and i like that he stands up for my feelins and shit it really makes a guy feel appreciated

DARIN: hes kinda the reason i got you guys next to the main boss himself so i gotta give him a lil appreciation

SETH: awww, darin!!!

SETH: im glad we're all bonding right now. im really feeling the positivity in the room!

SETH: you know what? im gonna compliment vera!!

SETH: vera, i think youre really funny!! i like your sarcasm, youre getting really good at it!

SETH: and you always go the extra mile fashion-wise, and i think youre really working it! like i always like seeing you dress up! it just shows how much you care, and you get so meticulous. its epic!!!

SETH: youre one of my dearest friends. we should totally talk more!

SETH: ok, your turn!

VERA: I do not particularly like any of you

FATE: Vera.

VERA: I believe Cora is physically attractive

FATE: Okay, sure.

CORA: Well, I have to say I'm flattered.

CORA: Ah... that leaves me two options. I suppose Nahla's the better one.

CORA: I like the taste of your #### ###### ###### ###### and I appreciate the way you ####### #### ###### ##### and ##### ###### ##### ##### ####### ####### and ##### ###### ### ####

CORA: You're real talented. Keep up the good work!

VERA: .

FATE: That is way more than I ever wanted to know.

NAHLA: HA!!!!!!

NAHLA: Well, I can say I already got that impression through our experience, but it's nice to be reminded!

NAHLA: Oh shit, compliments for coolkid then. I don't got anything big to say, you should've left me Seth or something. Oh well!!!

NAHLA: Hey, loverboy, I actually like that you're annoying, and I forgive you for the library incident. That enough for you? I'm EXUDING positivity today!

ENZO: works for me

ENZO: oh shit of course i go last which means i loop back around

ENZO: yall ready for a fuckin TIRADE

FATE: No, actually, that isn't necessary, we can consider the whole team bonding exercise over if that makes you feel comfortable- I'd rather not-

ENZO: oh baby boy no no no

ENZO: you dont UNDERSTAND

ENZO: i have boarded the compliment fate train and this stations gonna be runnin for hours with no possible way to stop short of just jumping out and breaking several ribs

ENZO: better strap in and get ready for the long haul and watch the wilderness fly by cause this is gonna be a big one

ENZO: you underestimate how much shit i have to say today okay ive been keepin it in for a bit

ENZO: i hope you like a lot of trees because i picked out the destination just for you and its going to be lovely and beautiful and exotic

ENZO: you ready?

FATE: Uh-

RONIN: this is gonna be fun to watch.

ENZO: alright

ENZO: here we go

ENZO: AHEM

[franciskirkland]

so i have finally had it this time. not posting for attention but screaming into the void bc its all i can do. please don't click read more unless you're willing to hear some deeply gnarly/personal stuff. and please don't unfollow just bc you didn't heed my warning. this is a personal blog and there's a real live human woman behind the deranged hetaliaposting.

i now know for sure that i intend on ending my marriage. i can't leave yet, but i need to start planning for it. im done. its not worth it.

our first wedding anniversary is in a few days. i have always had thoughts in the back of my mind about us not lasting, but i didnt think it'd end like this, so soon. im embarrassed frankly.

we have had our share of problems both major and minor. but the final straw is that my husband has more or less assaulted me.

so there are more details below but i've been pretty sex repulsed (by irl sex) for the past... 10 months or so? we are not completely sexless but it's usually coercive, with my husband guilt tripping and pestering me for sex. usually i manage to get out of it, even if i do wake up to him rubbing up against me - that doesn't bother me too much.

but yesterday he was being particularly forceful and threatening me if i didn't start having sex with him again whenever he wanted. so he initiated the act. i kept saying no. no i cant. please stop. i dont want this. im gay. and he said no you're not. and he forced me to give him head while also grabbing my breasts and making me undress. i hate being naked. i nearly vomited. i feel disgusting and violated.

the thing is, that part about me being gay wasn't a joke or an excuse/defense. that was me refusing him. i have told him that i am attracted to women so many times and he doesnt even believe that's possible. like, that bisexuality is real. yeah. that hardly scratches the surface of his terrible beliefs and opinions. but i digress.

i don't know if i'm only sex-repulsed due to him getting me pregnant and the subsequent loss, (ruptured ectopic, almost died) which affected me permanently in a physical way and im undeniably also psychologically but i have yet to process that in its entirity.

i am definitely at least bisexual, if not gay. and possibly asexual/gray-ace or whatever. the only men i really feel attraction towards are fictional/purely ideas. seriously. i'm deeply affected by comphet. growing up i knew i was queer but i was also abused by many men as a teen so i guess i internalized it. somewhere down the road i also became really attracted to the idea of settling down and having a family. (i still am, but my priorities have changed the more i see older moms. im only 24, my friend didn't have her first until 34.)

anyway, regardless of my sexuality or lack thereof, aside from our numerous other problems (incompatible personalities, different ambitions, lack of common interests, him being an abusive controlling manbaby, overbearing MIL, living situation, etc.) i am repulsed by him and i cant be around him anymore. i hate him.

the mistakes i have made for/because of this relationship are of a devastating magnitude. i've burned a lotttt of bridges (not my mom, thank god) but with other family, friends and previous employers.

i'm a dummy. yeah. i'm not going to lie. i have invested almost 3 years and over $10k of hard-earned wages into moving to australia for a man who doesn't respect me. i have no income, no privacy, little irl support, because he's isolated me to the point where i'm not me anymore. the most i can hope for is to get a full time job, and/or write some more original stories and possibly get a book deal or self publish. it'll all go into a divorce fund. it'll likely take over a year before the prospect of leaving is financially viable. but i'm not even sure where to go from there. the economy is a disaster in america too.

i would really appreciate some company, i don't necessarily want to discuss what happened but it'd be nice to have someone to talk to as i navigate this. i love you all my friends and followers and readers <3

[blueempty]

Bad news besties, the unbearable headaches I've been having throughout my poisoning situation went away when I drank caffine 😳

Listen. I know this is positive time, and I do not want to take away from positive time I will be positive I promise okay, but this week has been rough and today sucked really bad lol

I ended up going to work for a bit even though I dont feel fully recovered and I really wish I hadn't. Today kinda just turned into this confluence of negativity. I feel very disoriented as a result of sleeping for 4 days and driving makes me feel further from my fellow man than I already do. I genuinely dont understand what goes on in peoples minds. Then the pita place I trusted to not harm me was closed cuz sunday, which I always forget because I'm Vulcan pilled and days dont hold special meaning for me

After that was like, a couple of random things that made me feel really overlooked and unaccomplished which isn't normal for me. I dont typically care too much what people think but I guess I was primed to be upset. The specifics aren't really worth going into but its just like, I see people do something and everyone go wow thats awesome, and then I'm like, bro I have been doing that and no one gives a fuck when I do it. Even within my irl friend groups and back in my family when I still talked to any of my family I always felt this very pronounced sense of no one gives a shit what you're excited about dude. I start talking about something I like and everyone stares at the floor or their phones silently till I stop. But that doesn't happen when other people talk about things. I do not feel kinship with other humans, I feel very different and lost and confused and hungry and also incompatible with society

Its like in TNG when Data gives a time estimate and he only gives like days and hours or something and then stops, and everyone is confused. Riker goes no minutes seconds or milliseconds Mr. Data? And he turns around and goes "I have noticed a certain... annoyance with my level of specificity at times"

And in the same way, over time Ive just learned to talk less. Which isnt entirely bad cuz William Shakesman said brevity is the soul of wit I guess. I've also been noticing that when I'm alone I dont really emote much. Like I need other peoples vibes to mimic. Teacher give me the Autism test I swear I'll pass!!!!!!

ANYWAY negativity aside, I am still improving health wise. I'm spending more time sitting by the back door looking outside rather than being on my phone cuz text has been making me dizzy, and outside is nice right now. And once I got home from work I spent an hour-ish practicing the first world stages of Mario Wonder to get faster and remember 10 coin locations and that game makes me feel happy inside. That game is so perfect they literally thought of everything

Also my current Barony run is a Vampire Conjurer named Dracula Flow and thats going insanely well. Not gonna overexplain but one thing is that Vampires are weak to water and I found boots of water walking very early. I just need to stock up on blood and I'll be movin different

Live Long and Prosper

[kamari333]

I’m curios to ask (If it’s alright, feel free not if you don’t want to) what makes Underlust your fave Au?

Oh this is a great question! There are a lot of reasons!! Longpost under the cut. Forgive me, i typed this on my phone and i just woke up.

One is the designs. I fucking adore everyones designs! Sans is damn cute! Papyrus is cute! Napstablook is cute! MTT is cute! Grillby is cute! The color palettes and slight deviations that make them unique are all just Artistically Good and they hit me somewhere nice in the visual appeal part of my brain.

Another reason is that I just love the canon story! I mean, yeah, its really dark and tragic what happened to Mettaton. But the point of the story is that he overcomes it. He is able to heal. The story tells us that you can heal even after you get hurt that badly and it doesnt have to define you and thats wonderful and beautiful and something too many people legitimately need to hear.

And the RELATIONSHIPS!! MTT and Papyrus talk it out and have a relationship that isnt based in physicality they just genuinely love each other. And Papyrus is so clearly Ride or Die. It's just GREAT okay? And the Sansby is ALSO GREAT because Sans and Grillby are awkward and never talk until Sans does his drunken confesssion and Grillbz is just like oh god i love this dumb idiot drunk this is my life now.

And MTT and Alphys also have a great relationship! They are close enough to make Girl Talk even after what happened! Alphys knows cuz she patched MTT up but they're still making sass at each other! GREAT!!

Papyrus and Undyne have a great relationship!!! She doesn't infantilize him and admits he is good at the sex part of the job, she just thinks he is too clingy and romance driven to keep himself detached enough for work. And thats a legitimate concern! For his well being and the clients both!

Sans and Papyrus's relationship is great!! There is clearly a standard set of platonic affection being shared between them. They talk and joke and sass and tease each other. Theyre brothers and its great.

(did the creator draw a lot of underlust fontcest too? yes. yes she did. and that was also great. but these are two separate things and even without the obvious -gestures- "theyre fictional skeleton monsters, dont be weird", its also addressed that the fontcest part is not something to model irl.)

And i like to headcanon blooky and sans are friends even though they never interacted in the canon material we got. i like to think they would have eventually if it wasn't discontinued.

I love how the humans are adults and frisk is aroace. i'm afraid of children so having an AU where the humans are all canonically adult is great to me.

I love Toriel and Asgore's relationship. It is tragic what happened to them, but I think it's important that stories not always shy away from that kind of hurt. Some people need stories like that too.

I love Rosie the Rose's design and concept in general.

I also love the LUST mechanic. I love that there is an AU where sex is a prominent, plot relevant, societally prevalent and important thing. I love that as an Asexual, myself. It allows me to explore that topic safely, while having fun. I love how its treated as a both natural (meaning its normal and not gross or weird) and unnatural (not meant for monsters, specifically, under normal circumstances) thing. I love how it is defined as a Very Human thing, and what that can mean to me when analyzed and juxtaposed against the narrative foil to the idea that we are given in Frisk the Asexual.

I kinda love that the whole thing is 80% shitposts and pieces the creator made while just having fun living their best life. Yes the papyton comic, which is the meat of the canon, was done seriously, but so much was made of just the characters having fun being themselves and thats pretty cool too.

I know there is a lot of bad publicity around underlust. I know people have spread terrible rumors about it. I frankly dont care. I know it is a beautiful story made from beautiful art. wherever its creator is now i wish her the best in the world. It is my favorite AU (aside from my own lol) and nobody can change my mind.

[antiv3nom]

You know, I'm only ever gonna ask about Bachira...

Tell me why he's the best

LMAO YOURE VALID THERE! IM HAPPY TO TALK ABOUT HIM <3 okay so disclaimer but i sort of answered a slightly different question? instead of why hes the best i felt i could better talk about why i personally love bachira so much and think hes fantastic, so please enjoy this fuckin essay of a post

okay, we have to start with the basics here. the very first thing that drew me to bachira was for SURE his character design. i mean. once again i will mention that i'm growing my hair out to look like his. and hes soooo androgynous!!! and as a nonbinary person who leans towards masc/androgynous styles im HERE FOR IT!!!! plus the yellow was already cool, even before i knew the bee fact about his name :D

and ofc there's also his personality!!! as my friend grin has. accurately read off me. my favorite characters are typically those that are surprisingly competent, and those that embody the :3 face (and thus also the >:3 face), and like. bachira is introduced as a sleepy little guy and then kicks someone in the face so he IMMEDIATELY checks both of those boxes and he really fits my character type

also, elaborating on the surprisingly competent piece—bachira is DECIDEDLY competent, but its not in a like...power sort of way? its all about his technique and his ✨ style ✨ and i really enjoy characters who are great at what they do in a more unconventional way or not having to do with their physicality (coming from a weak little bitch) and i dont know. really anything about soccer irl. but its easy enough to see that bachiras good at this shit!!!!

okay so now we get into the meaty shit, starting with his backstory <3 immediately his being an outcast...really fit, honestly, it tracks a lot for him. but it hit me HARD as someone who was/is kinda an outcast and never really had a solid group of friends until relatively recently? and just...his loneliness resonates with me, a lot. but ANYWAYS im not here to vent or anything, the other thing abt his backstory is the monster metaphor and its beginnings, because it is SO easily read as an allegory for neurodivergence (and without too much stretching, queerness as well). being set apart and left out and seen as weird because of honest, genuine passion and this undeniable part of you and just feeling like something is WRONG with you even if you love it is...such an experience that ive had. and its so so easier to see that in bachira!!!! moral of the story, bachira is bisexual and nonbinary and autistic because i am and i say so <3

anyways anyways straying away from headcanons, bachira's development arc? WRECKS ME. it's so very well done, that evolution of the prior loneliness and the desire to both be independent and to not be left behind are...gorgeous. amazing. i can and will write an essay about it. it really builds well on his backstory and what he's done in blue lock prior to that game and seeing him evolve past his monster and his need for someone to play with but not fully abandon either? it means a lot that he still values companionship even if he feels like he doesnt need it <3

moving onwards, i really adore bachiras interactions with other characters!!! the most obvious example is him and isagi, and we all know at this point how big of a bachisagi fan i am (i just think theyre neat <3 <3 <3) but a genuine FRIENDLY rivalry, emphasis on the friends, doesnt seem to pop up that often in blue lock, and its really nice to see with isagi :D and just!!!! they make each other want to be better!!! its good stuff

theres also bachira and rin, which...that shit is COMPLICATED but it's really really interesting how rin like, almost sees bachira as a rival (and thus an equal) but is the first one to really recognize the idea that bachira is still deeply lonely and dependent on having someone with him? rin is the one who kickstarts bachiras development with the line, "[your soccer] is a soccer that is looking for someone," which i will NEVER forget. i like that bachira still tries to interact with rin and crack his shell despite rins cold behavior towards him, it makes for some fun fun interactions <3

AND I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT LAVINHO. LAVINHO IS AWFUL AT BEING A RESPONSIBLE ADULT AND THAT MEANS THAT HE IS THE PERFECT MENTOR FOR BACHIRA!!!! because bachira still cares about having FUN!!!! AND WHAT HE NEEDS IS THAT SENSE OF EXCITEMENT AND CREATIVITY THAT LAVINHI BRINGS HIM!!!!!!!!! LORD THEYRE SO PERFECT TOGETHER (IN THE MENTOR/MENTEE SENSE OFC) AND I LOVE THEM

okay finally, and ik we've talked about this before, but bachira's motivations are the perfect blend of being individual enough to survive in the environment of blue lock, while still not being completely disconnected from the idea of teamwork and companionship, you know? it means a lot to me that a lot of these characters arent wholely self-centered because. well. many reasons. i could make a whole other post about egoism in bllk and why it Worries Me A Little but i wont get into it here lmao, the important part is that bachira has enough of a goal on his own that he can keep himself going without anyone else, but he WANTS to play with isagi and make friends and have that companionship that he didnt have when he was young and that just.....it resonates and means a lot <3 <3 <3

anyways, this was the definitive why i love bachira post <3 hope you enjoyed!!!!

[wingdingle]

I NEED TO ASK how are you now. Congratulations on surviving the piss in the dashcon ballpit incident

hi lol somoene must have reblogged the post again. well i was not at dashcon ever and if u look up dashcon on my blog posts about it are all still there. as for me now, i was 14 when i made that post, and i struggled to communicate because i am very autistic. and i was also in an abusive household and didnt have any friends really irl at all. but since then i grew up a lot, found out im trans, and got into some better communities and moved out.... and now im about a year and a half out of being in that house and i have a better job already, as well as loving partner who i live with. im a pharmacy technician, studying to become a pharmacist. ive been to a mental health hospital 3 times in the past two years, and ive gotten better every time... i mean im now able to cope with my trauma and work on the worse symptoms of borderline... and most important of all, im able to talk to the people around me irl! i can literally jsut talk to random strangers on the street and they seem to enjoy it, lol. i even make people laugh. its great lol, i used to be so anxious all the time, i didnt talk to anybody or make any friends on purpose, i would just make posts online and cry but now im better!

also on the less deep side of things, i get to experience a lot of hobbies i couldnt before, like gardening, foraging and cooking and home design. and im able to handle the bills atm from how hard i work, which is a nice feeling!! i love my job too and have many friends there and get to help people every day even just by cracking a joke at the register. plus i love customer service.

i really dont think about dashcon like, at all, it was such a blip in such a wild go at life for me, and i never even went there myself. i just really wanted everyone to know about that so they wouldnt get hurt, and now i get to do that in a way every day at my job and im really good at it it turns out, and so if youre wondering how im doing now i think i am finally happy... if ur ever in a place where you think things wont get better just know i used to think it was bullshit when people said that to me but now that im finally here it is all so worth it. anyways bye hope u liked seeing me answer this random stranger