#also my new job is .. i love it so much omg ive been just throwing myself into work

[imsorryimnotdead]

IM BACK BABES

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

god so much has happened and i barely used tumblr but its getting rly bad again soo.. aw shi here we go again i recently got a boyfriend and he makes me so incredibly happy omg i love him i love him i love him i love him <3 the only problem is that he lives kinda far away so we can only see each other on the weekends and hes gonna start a year long job there soon. i rly hate long distance and even if im not going to school or anything i cant leave this city. i cant leave my dad who i love so much alone with my precious lil doggo. i know im supposed to get independent n shi at my age but we r both stuggling with my moms death a lot. i hate watching my dad fall into depression like i used to many many years ago but i dont know what to do honestly. so we r both silently suffering alone. i get rly depressed when i cant see my bf to the point where i just wanna kms ngl. when hes around i feel like heaven but when hes not i feel even worse than before the relationship EVEN IF HES THE SWEETEST HUMAN BEING ON EARTH im scared im not made for relationships and im gonna hurt him but i also dont wanna loose my precious boy ive been sh free for 1 year n 2 months ish but i rly rly rly rly rly rly REALLY feel like relapsing. i miss the pain i miss the blood i miss the feeling of the cold steel in my skin i miss the adrenaline or whatever was giving me the rush when i did it i miss him i miss my mom i miss my old friends i scared away with being sick i miss not eating i miss throwing up after even the tiniest meals i miss feeling like im not faking it its just one of these days that turn into weeks until i cant take it anymore and finally relapse. i keep finding old blades i hid a long time ago and forgot about lol idk if my old blades r still sharp enough so should i get new ones? maybe i should just try them :P <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

[tableintheteacherslounge]

Abbott Elementary S03E07 thoughts

Melissa having a spare room baring in mind we’ve seen her house feels fake sorry - How will she have a room mate but noone look at her pictures and keep control of her kitchen. I get its gonna be for plot but i don’t buy it

I’m w ava that’s a woman who just found out she’s not pregnant - that’s a woman who’s been successfully slutting it up (how’s she gonna slut it up with a roommate)

Omg protective barb 🥺 (ALSO BARBS RIGHT BC MEL WOULDNT GIVE OUT HER ADDRESS WILLINGLY)

AS SOON AS SHE SAID NERD I THOUGHT JACOB

“I know its gods will but hes gotten awfully creative” 😭😭😭😭😭

I love it when Mr johnson lore gets unlocked

Manny and the beard whew 😮‍💨 I was literally wondering where he was so I’m glad they’re using him again

Janine ur SO SMART this is such a good idea and not like a janine unnecessarily fixing a problem like an actual good idea- good job babygirl

Not ava spilling the tea to the whole room

Ponytail melissa at home is so personal to me, I love that this continues from s2, this is just who she is, she throws her hair up when she’s at home. I like that she’s wearing the eagles hoodie we’ve seen before too. Love the hair, makeup & costume details on this show

“I only know how to cook for 12” 😭

Finally mel talking about her breakup! Damn maybe it really was “im not bringing this to school” this whole time

Also Gary being a dead ringer for her dad?? I’m not saying my headcanons are more correct than the show but I disagree with this statement. Gary is not schemmenti coded.

Omg the jacob melissa work momming work sonning ive been dreaming of

“And dont forget theres a 3 booked limit 😒” barb is PISSED and i LOVE IT

“Oh i know what a google doctor is 😤”

Barb really is the best character on tv im sorry noone can do it like sheryl lee ralph like they just cant Shes everything

Janine forgetting the key term (pottery wheel) in her analogy she is so me

“Jacob if u dont like my ziti just say so and i will heave myself out that window” 😭😭

“I went to find mr johnson but he was still crying” NO 😭💔 hes just a sensitive guy 😔

“Mrs howard i blew down the house” 🥺🤏🏻 I love the kids being so central in this ep, I’ve missed that recently, and the kindergarteners are soooo cute

“🐷 I am a pig 🐺 i am a wolf 😄 and im a librarian who thinks she can just change everything around here 👋” IJBOL no please give sheryl another emmy I beg

“This programme is more of a distraction than an improvement” that’s teaaa actually. Thats so often what councils etc do, distract with new flashy things rather than fix the real problems. Even though in this case it’s well meaning it does make u think how big a priority should the library actually be? But actually children reading is super important and what did they say last season? The librarian was an alexa in glasses? 🤣

“You okay? You look like raven having a vision” 😭 you don’t understand how often i say this

I have thoughts on Barbara’s intentions and my instinct is gregory needs to keep her name out his mouth. I do think it’s really important that Janine stood up to Barbara, just maybe gregory made barbara seem worse than she was

“It’s been a rough week I could use the pick me up” i just love mr johnson

My immediate reaction was this one of my favourite episodes of the season - lots of excellent Barb moments, the kids, more mr johnson, story arcs I enjoyed and felt completed.

Janine standing up to Barbara was a really big deal for her considering her hatred of conflict and worship of barbara as a mother figure. It made me really proud to see how far janine has come.

But the longer since watching the less I like it. And it’s two main things:

- the jacob melissa room mate situation feels like jumping the shark for plots sake and not something realistic for those characters. So as much as I enjoy them and their dynamic and their growth it just feels fake.

- I dont care about the librarian. The set up feels like she could stick around and I just don’t care for new characters, I like my main people. (But then the same apprehension was had w the district people and they’ve not seemed to be around much).

I do still really like this ep and it definitely ranks highly in the season, just idk, some eps I enjoy more over time but this has made me feel more confused as to what will happen next I guess.

[tr0ubl3d-tr4n53nd3r]

i dont really know much about american girl dolls but i think theyre really cool! do you think you could tell me about your favorite one?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! YES YES YESSSSSSS! IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS AGHHHHHHHHH OMG OMG OMG.

Okay um... I didn't just do that. Fr fr. No I'm cool.

Okay... who do I infodump about? I read Caroline Abbott, cécile Ray, and Marie Grace Gardener's books growing up, but I own Kit and Maryellen.

I think imma go with Kit Kittridge, from 1930's Cincinnati, Ohio

OKAY SO. I NEVER READ ANY BOOKS PAST MEET SO I REALLY DONT KNOW TOO MUCH BUT I WATCHED THE MOVIE SO...

her meet outfit looks like this

"Shes (not) a faking lying blone schemer and her name isn't Kit... ITS MARGRET"

Had to throw a total drama reference in there, but it's true. Her real name is Margaret Mildred Kittridge. She was named after her mom and like... grandma, but like she wasn't her grandma? Idk it's hard to explain. I know what I mean so I guess it works. She got the name Kit because when she was a kid her father sang this song that went like "pack up your troubles in your old kit bag" and kit loved it so she would always say "dad! Sing the Kit song!" And the name stuck. (The song is a bop and I obsessively listened to it last year when I first heard the actual song.)

Idk if you want to listen to it it's there. I did research on it but that's a whole separate thing. Also yes it does use the f slur. It was regarding cigarettes (damn British people)

Okay... storyline (I remember the movie more. I only read the beforever book too so my memory of the actual story is a bit tainted. And because the beforever books are honestly horrible because they cut out legitimately the entire story to make it shorter, I will be referring to the movie.)

So the movie starts out with kit going to her brother Charlie's place of work to turn in a newspaper she wrote herself (he works at the Cincinnati News thingy. Idk I don't read the news.) In the book he is living at home about to leave for uni, and he doesn't go because they are too poor. So this guy is like "hey this is a giant company... we can't take ur newspaper sorry" and she goes home.

When she gets there there are two hobos who need a job for some food and she brings them to her mom so they can get some. Tbh I can't remember their names. One is this like... tall white boy, and the other is a child. He isn't white. He's prolly black but idk. The mom, Margret is hanging out with Judgy socialites and she is nice but the others are not. One of them makes a comment about how it's disgusting how they don't have a place to live (keep her in mind she is important later.) Then her and three other girls go into a treehouse together and take an oath of allegiance to the treehouse club. It's basically about women who did great things like Amelia Earheart. In it is her best friend Ruth-Ann "Ruthie" Smithens, and two other girls. They are sisters and live across the street.

Unfortunately in the middle of the oath the look outside to see the girls mom weeping outside the house, and all of their furniture being moved out. A foreclosure sign was being nailed into their front yard. Both girls ledt to never be seen again. Seriously where did they go? Anyway this didn't really affect our unvothered queen Kit and she decided to write a newspaper article about it for her father to read. (In the book he came home in a car, in the movie he walked. Idk why tbh.) It deeply bothered him and he had a sad demeaner

Nothing really happens for a bit if I remember right, until she goes on a little trip to the store or something and she sees a little dog with a sign that says "name is grace. Can't feed anymore" and she begs her mom to get her. She reluctantly says yes and suddenly a man runs by with a stolen wallet. He has a parrot tattoo. Remember that for later too.

That night her snobby rich uncle came over and raged over the fact they adopted a dog and nothing else really happened. He has more importance in the books I think.

Anyway. Remember that socialite from earlier? Yeah. She becomes homeless. Karma. Margret, who felt they were doing fine invited her to live with them, and she did. She moved in with her son whatsitsface or whatever. Idk he's not #girlpower or whatever. He is girlypop. Defo fr. Anyway in the book he's like "frail" or whatever and kit hates him for it. So not slay kit. Be nice to him (I just rememyhis name was Stirling.)

Anyway her dad comes home from work and is concerned about the fact they moved in and then kit goes to school. There is a bully and Stirling essentially tar and feathered him (kits school outfit ft. Maryellen because this is the only one I took btw)

Anyway so basically they're taking a field trip to the food kitchen to help the less fortunate and kit sees her dad and throws a hissy fit saying she hates her dad or something. In the book he just sold the car and that's what set her off. He went to Chicago or something and she got so mad and typed on the typewriter about how stupid Chicago was and money and how she hated her dad, then scrapped the letter and wrote about how cool the boarders she took in were. Yes boarders. The ones in the book seem lame. It was like a few teachers and a doctor or something idk. In the movie tho, a dancer, a librarian, a magician, then of course Stirling and his mom.

Nothing really happens for a while excepy that those two hobos have been working for them still and Margret gives them the dad's old boots. That's important to know.

Kit goes to the hobo camp with Stirling, Ruthie, and the two hobos and she writes a newspaper about it. She tries to get this one published but fails again.

Then she goes home and her family and all boarders put their values into a box and hid it in the house because Ruthies dad (a rich banker who keeps none of his money in the bank) was robbed. Actually it was robbed by some guy... no someone they know. They had kits dad's shoes. YES JT WAS THE HOBOS. but they wouldn't do that... would they? No... because the culprit has a parrot tattoo and neither had that!!!

So basically they were framed... but by who?

No time to figure it out because the kitties were robbed and their house was foreclosed. They had only a little bit to move out, but until that one of the boarders' cousins moved in. Kit saw that he had a tattoo and investigated his room while they were gone. She found EVERYTHING that was stolen, and chased them down. They found her Ruthie and Stirling and they got into this epic chase. Because they could read hobo they figured out which way the camp was and switched the sign backwards. The hobos knew them, and liked them, so they hid them when the people came (the magician, his cousin, and the librarian oddly enough) and they threatened the hobos. Basically the popo caught them or something and the other hobos were released (oh yeah I forgot to mention the short one ended up being trans omg)

Kit won her family a cash reward because it turned out they were like major criminals, then she wrote a newspaper article, got it published, and got like 3k in modern day money from it. They were saved.

Thanksgiving day came up and it was pretty normal, except now there were boarders. Then the door rings. Kit jumps up thinking it's her dad and it ends up being every single hobo from camp bringing a different kind of hobo food. Also the trans one learned to read thats like a whole sub plot I forgot to mention. She reads in front of the whole group of people and everyone is happy, except for kit. She misses dad. All of a sudden in the isolating quiet of such a loud place she looks outside and sees a figure. HER DAD.

Anyway that was basically it tbh but here are some other outfits I have

[capricores]

ommmmmg long time no see hi guys!!! 🥺💕 i hope you’ve all been doing amazing and staying healthy!! i’m so sorry for the extremely long break without warning! but i am so excited to be back!! i probably won’t be immensely active because i am very busy with work + my bf and i are moving houses again, but i’ll try my best :’)

things i’m currently slowly working on for this blog:

revamping my desktop & mobile themes for easier browsing 

changing my navigation section & creating a master list of all original posts: going through my whole blog and retagging old posts super specifically so you guys can browse more easily

i’m going to try to answer asks & start writing new posts asap!!!

going to start up a youtube channel for astrology & tarot soon!!!! 

planning on making a happy healthy lil discord server where we can nerd out about astrology, tarot, crystals and anything relating to spirituality, personal growth, etc!!

free tarot pulls coming soon, stay tuned for that !!!!!! i got two new decks (archangel animals + karma cards) and i wanna put them to good use :) i’m actually in love with them and have been doing some super accurate readings with them so i can’t wait to try them here!

as for readings i’m still taking a big halt, sorry about that!! i’m hoping to accept readings in a new format in the future, but it probably won’t be for another two months or more!

oh also!! little update!! got my official birthtime from the hospital i was born at finally, and i am in fact a pisces rising :’’’) also might post some pics of the new decks & crystals i’ve bought because i love them too much (also have discovered my all time fav crystal, howlite.... my lifesaver!!!!)

[suekre]

So ive followed you a VERY long time (like from the deviantart days lmao) and i only just realised that you were talking about ocd in that post. Just wanted to let you know that i have ocd as well and god it is exhausting and i know exactly how you feel! I finally start therapy for it in 2 weeks. Pls know that i love your art and you very much and appreciate everything you create and share with us. All the best!! X

Hey you, I know you! Thank you for coming to my inbox and sharing this with me, I appreciate that so much. :) I am SUPER happy for you that you are about to get the help you need, that is awesome. I wish I could have had it at the time!

(And oh boy, the good old deviantart days, haha! Always happy to have my longtime followers around! :D)

OCD is exhausting indeed. People who aren’t affected can’t imagine what a nightmare it is. I, personally, am more prone to intrusive thoughts than actual obsessive-compulsive behavior. When people hear „OCD“, they usually think of obsessive hand washing or „leaving out every black tile while walking through a kitchen“ or so, while it can manifest in other ways. I didn’t know back then. I just thought I was going completely crazy at the time. I think I mentioned my disorder at times but I never actually openly talked about my own experiences (where I come from, mental disorders are a big NO NO, because it’s all in your head, just pull yourself together, other people are ACTUALLY suffering, it’s just dumb thoughts, you just need to think positive, y’know).

I kinda feel like doing it now. Just to get it out, and also to occupy my brain and hands and hey, maybe someone else can pick this up and find themselves in my own experiences. I sure know how relieved I was when I found out I wasn’t alone with my what I thought was a ‚Very Weird, Unique and Niche Problem‘.  

I gotta admit first - I’m doing much better nowadays. Even my worst days, as horrible as they may feel at the time, do in no way compare to the hell I went through in the second half of 2015. I have come a long way since my last (and so far worst... omg, oof, I hope there won’t be another) episode of intrusive thoughts. But, oh boy, was it intense.  It was the absolute worst time of my life, ever. I’m not writing this to scare anyone. Anyone who is familiar with this, will know how bad it is and anyone who can’t relate at all won’t feel affected anyway and will maybe even think something along the lines of „What the fuck?!“. I get it. It DOES sound crazy.

I have always been an overthinker. I always needed more validation and reassurance than other people around me and for the longest time I had no idea why that was. It was usually subtle - always kinda there but never strong enough to actually affect my life in a negative way. I just felt off at times, and not always super good. But I was generally ok, I could always manage.

Until that one episode that changed my life forever. I know that sounds dramatic but, even though I am in a good place nowadays, it sure DID change my life. I was 31, I lived together with my then-boyfriend and I still remember the exact date. Friday, July 24th, 2015. I remember the exact moment when my entire mind collapsed. It’s so weird, it literally happened from one second to the other. I am not making this up to sound more dramatic, it was a matter of seconds.

I was on my way home after work and I felt… restless and stressed. It felt good to get off work (it was my first full time job and... it didn’t go well, to put it nicely) but I was no longer really looking forward to my week off, and our trip to our favorite Open Air the following week. I picked up some dinner on my way, I came home, and I saw my boyfriend in the middle of the living room, he was making some preparations for our upcoming trip. When I saw him, tall and handsome and smiling at me, I smiled back but inside I felt like crying. My smile was fake. Kissing him felt weird, and also fake. And all of a sudden, there it was. The life changing thought:

„I don’t love him anymore.“

A simple thought. I had weird thoughts before, like anyone does, but they never had any greater impact on me. This time, though, that one thought knocked me off my feet. Not literally, I had turned into a pillar of salt somehow. This was the Perfect Man Of My Dreams (at least that was what I thought back then). The man I wanted to spend my life with, the man who made me happy every day! How could that even be, how could I even think something like that?

I felt even more restless. I didn’t tell him, of course. When he asked how my day was, I put on my fake smile again and said it was okay. We ate our dinner (although I had instantly lost any appetite), and I kept looking at him and the thoughts... just kept coming back.

You don’t love him anymore. What if you don’t love him anymore?

On repeat. It was awful. I just couldn’t shake them off.

It’s the stress, I tried to tell myself. You’re overworked. It’ll be good, you just need some rest.

But I couldn’t relax. My heart was racing, my blood was pumping. I didn’t know what was going on. I begged him to leave his work undone and take me out for an after work drink and he agreed. All the time, the thoughts wouldn’t leave my mind. I didn’t want to think them, but they were merciless, they just kept coming back. I felt so helpless.

A few drinks later, I had calmed down a bit, at least so much that I could stand to look at my BFs face again without feeling guilty. There you go, I said to myself, not quite convinced, you’ll be good. It’s already wearing off. When we crawled into bed later, I was tired and relaxed (and tipsy) enough to sleep and convinced that this was just a little glitch, that things would be just fine in the morning.

When I woke up, I felt exhausted. My heart was racing... and the thoughts came back IMMEDIATELY.

You don’t love him anymore. You gotta leave him.

What. The. HELL!? Why are these thoughts still a thing? Why are they still there? Why do they keep coming back?

I kept trying to push them away but the more I tried, the more intense they became. As if they tried to spite me. I started losing focus on everything else around me, the world slowly started to blur. It was just Me And My Thoughts from here. I tried my best to hide my state, and I think I managed for a while, but I felt like a robot any time I talked to someone. When people would pick up on my confusion, I usually brushed their concerns off. It’s nothing, I’m good.

I mean... how do you even tell someone that you just. can’t. stop. thinking. about whether you still love your boyfriend or not? According to the world, that is something you “just feel and know” after all. Except that I didn’t. I had no clue. I couldn’t feel anything. But, according to the world, that was perfectly normal, too. “Honeymoon phase is over at some point, babe. That’s everyday life, you grow comfy, it’s no longer a flash of feelings every day, you know that. You guys have been together for a while after all, what did you expect?!” ... what I felt didn’t feel like comfy everyday life either, though. Comfy everday life shouldn’t come with high key anxiety, sleepless nights and a loss of appetite at any lived second. If that was comfy everyday life, I sure didn’t want it.

So, what do you do when you have no clue about something? Right! Google! Go and ask the world! “How do you know that you still love your partner?”, “Is the love gone?” ... I spent hours, DAYS doing that, but no answer I found was remotely statisfying (or maybe it was for a minute, but the reassurance never lasted long) and I felt that those articles didn’t actually understand what I was asking in first place. I would spend every day like that. Permanently asking myself the same questions, analyzing myself, testing if the Big Feels for the man had decided to come back... nah, not really. Maybe NOW? If I just look at him close enough?! ... maybe if I squint a little?! Fuck, still nothing! Niente! Nada! I am a horrible person, aaah!

(Our open air trip was an emotional disaster by the way, I felt horrible all the time, and the permanent rain didn’t help. -3/10, do not recommend).

If I had known at the time that I wouldn’t spend just a few days but (more or less) six months with this shit... oof. I was already exhausted after those few days.

Over the course of the next weeks I stopped eating almost entirely. I just couldn’t. This permanent tight anxiety knot in my stomach made me want to throw up at the mere thought of food. At my worst point I weighed 138 lbs (63 kg), at 6 ft 1 (1,85 m). I often joked about how I had almost reached runway model standard. I was sick, I was weak, I was scared, but I just couldn’t eat and the bits I DID force myself to eat were burned almost right away by my crippling anxiety. (I still have clothes from that time, and I sometimes beat myself up for no longer fitting into them before I remember that I should NEVER fit into them EVER again.)

Instead I smoked a pack a day. I hardly got any sleep and when I did, it wasn’t relaxing. Always in Fight and Flight mode. My body was at alert level any minute, any day. I’m still asking myself how it could be that I never actually... collapsed. I was always tired, exhausted and malnourished... I dunno, you tell me.

The thoughts never really disappeared. They kept coming back in all variations. You don’t love him anymore. You have to leave him. You may not want to, but you have to. You don’t love him. I had very few “good moments” in between but in those good moments, my mind was usually frantically looking for explanations and reasons behind all this. For ways to improve my relationship, to feel better about my boyfriend. I came up with the WEIRDEST shit. Almost every day I found something new that bothered me. One day he was a little boring. That’s it! We gotta go out more, do more stuff, that’ll change everything. ... aaah, no. Guess not. The next day, it was something else. The day after THAT, it was something entirely different again.

I was suddenly prone to making some HELLA weird impulsive decisions, too. „I gotta break off contact to that one person RIGHT now, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!“, “I gotta talk to my mom about THAT particular incident in my childhood right now, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!”, “I gotta make a trip to the mall JUST NOW, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!”… the decisions made total sense to me the second I made them, for about ten minutes at most, but the initial rush of relief started to fade again quickly and I frantically started looking for new solutions. Google was my best friend. I couldn’t go a day without googling exessively. Overthinking, pacing, googling. Any day, any hour awake. Over weeks. A few months even. My mind was constantly reeling. It was a bottomless pit.  

I cannot put into words how exhausting that was. Sometimes the idea of throwing myself out of the next window seemed SO tempting, not because I wanted to die, but because I wanted the thoughts to stop tormenting me.

(I was out of regular therapy at the time, btw. I thought about calling my therapist about it but never did it. I felt isolated, I literally thought I had to do this all by myself.)

At some point, a few months into it, I somehow transferred to zombie mode. The thoughts became a little less intense over time. They were never gone but not quite as nagging anymore. But any time I wasn’t in alert mode, I felt just hollow instead. Sucked dry of any joy, of any emotion, of any sign of life. I just... functioned. Still tried to hide it. I dunno how well I did with that. Probably not at all well. I kept it all to myself, just because it felt that ridiculous. Tried to find excuses. “I’m just tired.”, “You know, there’s a lot going on in my head right now, but I’ll be good.” ... truth is that I don’t remember a whole lot of that time, it’s all blurry. There are just a few significant moments.

Such as that one evening, after work, when I left the building, made a few steps and stood five (or ten? fifteen??? who knows?! not me.) minutes on the spot, motionless, because I could no longer remember my way home.

I got fired from that job, by the way. I’m sure it was mostly due to low performance, I get it, but I can’t blame my poor state alone - they were also assholes.

Anyway.

I had, of course, never stopped the googling and one day, after hours of browsing any niche I hoped I hadn’t browsed yet, I somehow found a blog written by a young woman like me. The description tackled almost all of my thought patterns and I was blown. away. She asked herself the very same questions, with the very same twists, and... she even had a name for it.

ROCD. Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I cried for what felt like hours. Out of relief. There was a person in this world who knew exactly what I was going through. And she even had tips how to overcome it. It wasn’t the first time I had heard about OCD, but as it had never affected me in any way before (I, too, associated it with compulsive hand washing and tile jumping), I wouldn’t have thought of it. After doing my own intense research on the subject, a huge part of me and my life finally started making sense to me. Not much was known about ROCD at the time, but it kinda didn’t matter anyway. What mattered was the OCD part. The subject of the thoughts is entirely interchangable. It’s the chain of thoughts itself that has to be broken. Don’t focus on the relationship. Break the chain instead.

The internet also recommended exposure therapy but as therapy wasn’t an option at the time (weird German laws... regular health insurance covers only a limited amount of therapy lessons within a certain span of time and I had used mine up and there was no way I could pay myself), I decided to try it myself, the key points being:

* No more googling, no more reassurance. Learn to live with the uncertainty, learn to live with Not Knowing.

* Let the thoughts happen. Watch them pass by. They’re just thoughts, they can’t harm you. Don’t fight them, just recognize them and let them stay, they’ll get less scary over time.

* Focus on other things, as hard as it is. Try to occupy your mind and your body. Any minute you spend doing something else but brooding is a win.

It all sounded so very abstract at the time, but I was determined to give it a try. Oh gosh, was it hard. After months of emotional torment and getting used to unhealthy ways of coping, it was SO DAMN FUCKING HARD to NOT google. To NOT think. It felt like torment all over again. How was I supposed to just let the thought sit with me!? It was scary, I didn’t want it! Just ONE little peek, only a second, come ON! I won’t do it again after that?!

Oh god, it was the worst, it really was. Trying to break the chain while I was so desperate to save my relationship was terrible. I honestly don’t remember HOW I made it... but I made it. I somehow... clawed and bit my way out of it. I went right through the pain and made it. It’s not actually a linear process but there comes this point (and I know a few people I met on online platforms who would back me up on this) when you know the worst is over. You just know it. Things weren’t exactly good by the time the thoughts were history but I had reign over my own head again, I could actually SEE the world again, and that was worth everything plus my body weight in gold.

I’ll stop right here because the following months weren’t about my OCD anymore, but about figuring out needs, figuring out myself and what I wanted from life and this particular relationship and it’s not quite relevant and another story. (I DID love my ex-BF but it turned out he wasn’t at all good for me, I had ignored all the red flags for too long, and it didn’t take long after this for us to go separate ways)

I hated this particular time in my life while it lasted but I have learned and taken so much from it. It has changed my life in so many ways. I learned that things are never set in stone, not for anyone. That there will always be uncertain times on our ways. That change is always scary. That it’s okay to be scared. That staying in crappy situations for the sake of it isn’t always the right thing to do. Sometimes, doing the right thing (aka leaving a relationship that isn’t good for you) can make you sad. Love does not equal compatibility.

Looking back, I am - in a very bizarre and twisted way - grateful for the experience. It was an incredibly important lesson for me that taught me to be kinder to myself, to look out for myself and to listen to my own needs. That I should put myself first at times. For the first time of my life, I really got in touch with myself and my own emotions. I learned to understand them, I learned where they come from. I learned to cut myself slack at times.

The list goes on and on, but you get my drift. I know myself inside and out at this point. That wasn’t always the case. Not until 2016.

It still comes back at times. Not with such full force, but it keeps creeping back in, pretty much any time I have to deal with uncertainty in my life. Bad news at work, not hearing from a friend for a while that I’m dying to hear from (inevitably thinking that they MUST be mad at me) or when I spot a few symptoms of sickness that I’m not familiar with (I practically never get sick). Not Knowing What Will Happen drives me CRAZY. I hate uncertainty, I need my life to be stable and calm to fully function.

Now, in COVID times, it’s mostly the fear of suffering from an incurable disease. AGAIN. I’m familiar with that, too. I’m not even scared of catching the virus, I just fell right back into overthinking any symptom I have, even if it’s just a short pain in the neck or whatever (you know, things that one usually brushes off). When my life was busier, I was MUCH better at handling those thoughts. Most of the time, they didn’t even come up in first place. Sitting inside and avoiding contact 99,9% of all times, and having little to no actual distraction („reading/watching movies“ doesn’t help me personally, it does’t occupy my mind enough, I usually just stare right through the pages/screen), however, leaves FAR too much time for the thoughts to unfold, once they come up.

This subtle but lingering concern for my health puts my body into a permanent state of anxiety once more. Fight and Flight mode. The pace of my heartbeat is always slightly, but perpetually, increased. It isn’t always outright panic attacks, it’s this constant state of having to be… alert. Something MIGHT happen, y’know. Be prepared. Relaxing and doing nice things becomes almost impossible. Instead, I get tired and exhausted. Depressed, even. It sucks the joy right out of me. I feel like living under a glass dome. I see what’s happening around me but I am unable to connect, emotionally. People keep living their lives and I can watch them, but I can’t be a part of it. It’s a deeply crushing feeling. I manage to somehow function but I don’t really feel alive. My abandonment issues and fear of „getting left behind“ kicked in again, too. I want to catch up and take part but can’t so I stress myself over THAT, too. This only adds to the exhaustion and makes me feel even more isolated.  

Hello, vicious circle, my old friend.

I didn’t even realize that I had such huge potential to fall right back into it. It all started… I dunno, by mid/end of January?? It’s a bit blurry this time. It is directly connected to Germany’s recent lockdown, though. A massive case of Not Knowing How Things Will Turn Out. I failed to take better care of myself in the past few weeks. And now I’m here. AGAIN. Ugh.

But well, as I said, it’s not as bad and, as I said, I have at least learned some important things over the years. In this particular case of intrusive thoughts, the first rule is: NEVER GOOGLE SYMPTOMS. And never google shit like „chances to survive (whatever illness think you have at the time)“, either. The mind longs for reassurance but googling symptoms is BAD, as we all know by now. It’s not even reassuring when you do it. Because you’ll inevitably end up diving through the vast internet for HOURS, picking up an entry that some person named Kevin made on a cancer forum way back in 2004, saying that his uncle died the next day after finding out he has cancer and that is, OF COURSE, what will happen to YOU, too. There is no other way. YOU WILL DIE.

Excuse the text walls. I took an opportunity to ramble about my own experience, for the first time ever since it happened (not including the few short talks I had with the few people I met on internet forums).

To anyone who made it this far: Thank you so much for reading. It sure felt good to write this down for once, even if it’s just a short summary (yes, really, I mean, we’re talking six-ish months here), and the descriptions fall woefully short. If anyone affected by the same happens to read this -  I am so, SO sorry you are suffering so much. You are NOT alone and you are NOT weird. Talk to someone. Open up. To your doctor, or you therapist, if you have one. To a person you trust. It is the worst but there are ways, there is help. I wish I had known at the time it started for me.

You know now. :)

P.S.: DON’T FUCKING GOOGLE:

[vanityloves]

anyways im gonna listen to/read the fuckin...rise of the ogre shit bc ive been putting it off 🪓🥴 im gonna put stuff under the cut bc im gonna be TALKING n dont wanna make a new post everytime

piss

ok he performed for 2 pounds 50. which is basically $3 today i- well it was absolutely a power play on his father behalf that also had the promise of money so.

also lol he said Rejection fueled my ambitions which, yknow,, i already knew but it still hurts and i will continue to talk ab it xoxo

AH HELP. "...if ebay had been invented at the time he would've sold me online there and then,"

"man hands on misery to man, yknow"

THEN PROCEEDS TO CONNECT IT TO MUSIC/HIS CAREER. this man said :) the one thing i truly have a passion for. the one thing i fucking like.

oh yeah. bullied by students AND teachers.

oh god hes 42ish during this interview? ok.

the fuckin school bully saying he wouldve acted differently if he knew what hed become

getting called "faceache", then proceeds to call 2d that. jfc he really does just repeat what everyone says. really "treating others how i was treated/how they treat me"

maybe thats why? hes kinder to fans? bc :] you support me and like me so, ok ill return that energy

MURDOC GETTING HIS ASS BEAT N PARADING HOME LIKE WELL I WON BC 'I PISSED YOU OFF' SJDJD

a real rowdy boy. absolute nasty boy. fraud and arson... shooting ppls windows with his air pistols

black sabbath being a huge inspiration? fucking absolutely.

became a satanist n shit at age 16? "it fitted me like a glove" "heavy metal and devil worshipping became my favorite past times" ajsj funny that ppl in trying times often seek religion or following of some sort

heavy metal being his favorite, n loving the clash, while hannibals was more punk based

hannibal breaking murdocs nose for the 2nd and 3rd time for playing his music on hannibals turntable

he doesnt sound that bitter? ab hannibal? he doesnt sound incredibly fond but he talks ab how he got him into a lot of music. so, i imagine they we're a bit closer than i thought?

international baccalaureate in antisocial? anthropology?

MURDOC IS ACTUALLY SMART HE WAS JUST. NOT INTERESTED IN THE SUBJECTS? I GUESS? (also,,, he literally Built cyborg noodle and i think he had a PhD too lol. but its always nice to hear hes actually...yknow, interested or good at other things)

alright but murdoc having a fascination w/ other cultures - or at least some interests, that lead him to actually study the damn subject and "pass with flying colors"

'fuck college though. im gonna be a rockstar'

he sold his soul at 18ish? whenever the fuck he got kicked out but college was mentioned so my brain goes to 18ish idk

he lived with his father still and paid rent via low paying jobs one including 'part time dressing as santa'

help he was ab to take a Personal Job for quick cash and uhh well, "still made me call him sir though" he really said 20 dollars is 20 dollars, huh "that story was totally true"

alright, 1997,,,

2d stuff

loves zombie stuff? thats really cute, and is freaked out by the way they move. god he rambles

both he and murdoc are horses in the chinese zodiac

[[jfc ok if the official shit compares them a lot i understand why ppl ship them but Dont. its a narrative foil and that doesnt always mean Romance jfc.]]

SUMTHINK.

truly... a lil stinker. super cute bouncing baby and a "bit thick" which is stull so endearing to me. hes just a happy man!

excitable 10 year old and would dance around his room

jfc the fact he has normal/caring parents. i kinda forget how opposite hes supposed to be from murdoc but i think thats another thing jsjsysg (murdoc said why isnt my tragic story making me famous why does he get to be the Star. no wonder he acts like a loon)

i still dont get how gettin bonked by a tree branch made him go bald and also turn his hair blue

big tiddy nurse mommy,,,

went to the same school as The Cure and got decent grades despite hittin the noggin quite hard. WANTED TO BE A STORM CHASER... OMG??

oh thats really cute, hed bond with his dad by building keyboards toegther 🥺💕

messed around with paints and graffiti? artistic king

MURDOC AGAIN: QHDJ 'VILLANOUS' GANG HELP

oh yeah d day...new instruments, new band, new singer - and 'had to be the best or no dice' and absolutely CONFIDENT that his songs were bangers ajsjd

but on that same note, had absolute faith (or desperate) in 2d which i love

ransacked the fucking music shop jdjdj and 2d said he was Just Standing There behind the counter the whole shift hdhdh

"thats when your eye came out, yeah" "yeah!-" HELP WHY DOES HE SOUND SO HAPPY AB IT ?? yes he said ut hurt but he sounds...ok

jfc murdoc ragdolling this poor mf around. dunking him and slapping him around. actually? so incredibly terrible and abusive and i hate him for that 🔫 im sorry 2d stans. we dont condone that behavior here ong.

how and why the FUCK did 2d's parents allow that fucker near their child after that i??? help. wtf. his moms a nurse why didnt she just have murdoc sit in plain view of other people. god damn.

2d flying out the window n hitting the curb "whoops"

"just two black holes...[ah] it looked great...a blue hair, blacked eyed GOD- the girls would go wild-" "pretty boy looks" ???? HELP. HE DOESNT GO LIGHT ON THE COMPLIMENTS, HUH

RUSS TIME

oh yeah, he straight up kiddnapped this man help. idk how he managed that, russ is a Big Man??

AND MURDOCS MUSIC WAS SO FUCKING SEXY GOOD that russel said hm alright ill stay, :] out ifbhis owm free will im screaming.

"oh this is one of them febreeze commercials" "uh . yeah sure. *murdoc turning on his Sick Tunes*" but that either means? it was just his guitar playing the convinced russ? unless he and 2d recorded sumn?

"2d was the looks, murdoc the brains, then russel truly was the heart"

'while 2d and murdoc liked music, this man was a MUSICIAN' god fucking bless this book holy shit ny man russ getting some respect. he said back hurts from carrying this band.

murdoc basically heard this guy had big trauma that gave him So Many Skills n said "thats what i want" ok idk thats actually really? inch rest ting to me. seems that murdocs fine handing out compliments but i guess that where his charisma really helps out yeah?

"he was going to be in my band whether he liked it or not" ...murdoc-

HELP. 2D IS LIKE BRO GO ON IM LISTENING 🥺 despite hearing the story 50-60 times and murdoc said fuck off you lil shit.

ok irrelevant but i love his voice! its super comforting n nice to listen to 🥺

HELP MURDOCS SO BITTER. "NOTHING THAT HAPPENS TO US IS NORMAL" WELL YEAH. THIS IS TRAUMA CENTRAL.

idk how/why he sucked up all his friends souls though ... how are they all possessing the same person. they said "its my turn on The Russ"

DELL IS HIS ACTUAL, LITERAL SOULMATE...KING...😭

went to a private school,,, and was already possessed? and the thing where he gets bigger and smaller is a reoccurring thing?

was in a coma for 4 years?

hiphop machine...time and history...the ultimate set i guess.

his knowledge was infinite and hes a "Renaissance man" hes so fucking smart our king. jack of all trades but a master of drums. he said i know im good and what of it

PAULA.

HELP. HE RMBRS THE STALL: CUBICAL NUMBER 3 🥴 IF I DO RECALL 🤤

yes russel our king. fuck up his nose 5 more times. probably stunted his growth too. he shrunk after russ gave him a wallop im sure

why dies paula sound like tracer overwatch

also only dated 2d for 2 months before joining the band?

HELP SHE REALLY WAS THE FIRST MURDOC FUCKER: "but when i saw murdoc with his thick greasy hair, green teeth and yellow skin i thought 'oh this is the ine for me!'" "OH HES SUCH A DANDY-" HELP ME IM HQJDHD

sick in the head...like i want to hurt people help girl. shes fucking Crazy. but she rly said damn i didnt hear back from him again 😭 and my purse is gone JSHHD

MURDOC: SHE WAS DEPRESSINGLY UGLY *still fucked her*

NOODLE TIME

"small japanese person!"

2d: we werent gorillaz until noodle arrived!

im dying the reason he chose gorillaz. 'swinging through the jungle baring my ass'

noodle really said "im just happy to be here" and she balanced everyone out 😭 "she gave off pure love and the fact that she could laugh at murdoc REALLY helped too" RUSS... IS BABY

JFC MURDOCS SO FUCKING CONFIDENT IN THIS BAND IM LIVING FOR THAT. HE SAID YOU WANT US SO BAD IT MAKES YOU LOOK STUPID. THE CHARISMA

2d rambling ab some girl he met and "ssSs" "whats the s stand for hawhaw" "i dont know!".

THE RECORD LABEL GUY.

one song is all it took i ❤ good for them

just murdoc talking ab the party that they threw for thier deal and saying "you dont know how much of a dick i felt like [when carrying one of those huge checks]" like oh thats whatll make you a dick? alright.

A FOOD FIGHT THAT WENT SO HARD THAT IT KNOCKED 2DS TONSILS OUT? WHAT THE FUCK

ahshdj damon and murdoc not getting along bc of Rival Band One Uppery + damon calling murdocs cuban heels crap since ge wore steel ones with gold spurs.

MURDOC FEELIN EMBARRASSED BC HES 'QUITE PROUD OF HIS SHOES'

but the band and damon getting over music and their ambitions and became a "paternal figure"

HELP MURDOC SAID AWIOGA @ RACHEL WHICH MADE HER THROW HER DRINK IN HIS FACE AND SPLIT FROM 2D. kinda sad actually, she said i still like 2d but murdoc kinda ruined it by trying to get it in with me, it put a strain in our relationship :/ oh god murdocs That Dude

nov 31 1998: started recording :]

40 tracks that got cut down to 15 holy shit

KONG STUDIOS 🤲

hooking up cameras in every room ejdjsu

webby artist of the year in 2006? holy shit

noodle learning ab kong studios omfg

JFC. YES I KNEW KONG WAS BUILT ON/IN A CEMETERY BUT I DIDNT KNOW PPL FOR THE FUCKING PLAGUE WHERE THROWN THERE HDJD

built in 1739?

the ghost of the first owners ghost still roams around in the kitchen in the early hours and moans 'aaa glass of water'

theres some rotting bullshit near the studios and in the summer its fucking TERRIBLE

the former owners were a biker gang, and they all died in a fire

murdoc said this place has bad vibes. i want it.

grim weather

the building feels impossible to escape from huHgg

[timeisacephalopod]

Ive seen endgame! Spoilers under the cut and I’m not tagging this as spoilers because I’m literally telling you now its spoilers.

1- what the fuck was the point of Tony’s kid? We had more than 10 years with this character, he doesn’t need a kid for emotional impact when he died and now I’m kind of pissed they threw this fucking random kid in there only to orphan the poor thing and make Pepper a single mother. What fucking bullshit. Never should have been a storyline.

2- Pepper in the suit yaaaaaas.

3- Wanda. Fucking loved her moments. And Thanos’ “I don’t even know who you are” was fucking iconic lmao. I mean her “you will” was okay but holy fucking damn that was the funniest shit from Thanos.

4- they killed viz permanently lmao yeah I didn’t give 2 tits and a snare drum about him anyway so I don’t care.

5- Steve. What the fucking fuck did they do to him? Don’t get me wrong, I like Peggy, and I liked him and Peggy in FA. They were cute. But it was a 4 month fling in the middle of of a war. Not that it can’t be important, but after 15+ years you are telling me a 4 month fling from Steve’s youth is more important to him than everything else? And what of Bucky? He leaves him to HYDRA and after all the shit he went through in WS and CW you’re seriously telling me he’d just LEAVE him there like that? I don’t mean to be a dick to Peggy because I do like her, but narratively speaking Bucky has always played more importance to her except when they want to make Steve feel nostalgic. I’m sorry, I’m fucking over that plot line.

More than that though she moved on in her show, she had a life after Steve and he went back and took that from her. And I don’t see why aside from no one let him grow as a character while also having him grow as a character. He went through a huge character shift in WS and then we saw nothing of it. Aside from his motivations in CW, which make sense given the context of WS however much I disagree, we see none of that development and I’m fucking tired of watching him lament over a relationship that lasted for a shorter time than a high school semester. To any normal person, and even to Steve given his non normal stance, he would have moved the fuck on. Also he made out with her niece that one time!! How is he living with this!

Also Sam says they never had a Captain America but Steve was still big when he danced with Peggy, which means he got the serum, which means he still can’t age right, which begs the question of how the tits long did he live? And again, what does this mean for everything else considering getting the serum implies he was, at some point, Cap even if he was never the Cap they knew. What the fuck! I’m actually the most mad about this because Steve, post WS, probably would have been one of my favorite characters given his extreme narrative shift and just how interesting that could have been if anyone ever fucking let him move on with his fucking self but no. Instead we end with him in the same spot he started in! I watched ten years of this shit for him to do NOTHING? All that development (that the narratives never really let him go through in totality because he narratively never shifted out of his War and Peggy Phase even while his character, on an individual level, moved out of that several times) and I watch him end in the same place he started?

Honestly I’m pretty pissed about that. Especially with all the did with Bucky. I seriously can’t believe Steve fucking left him there, ignored every piece of information he had, ruined Peggy’s original happy ending, and then didn’t even grow as a character. I like that he got a happy ending, I think he’s earned that, but I simply cannot believe a 4 month fucking fling meant so much he’d ignore his best friend, HYDRA, Peggy’s original marriage, the fact that he made out with her niece that one time, and everything else to end up exactly where he started. Which is why I don’t really care for him to begin with- because the narrative always leaves him right at the beginning and I don’t know how to invest in a character that grows but never grows. If he narratively was allowed to grow he would have been so. Much. Better. It is so fucking frustrating to me that he never moved the fuck on. You have no idea.

6- “I can do this all day” “Yeah I know”

7- “You look like melted ice cream”

8- Hated almost everything they did with Thor. Fat jokes? Yikes. Though I did love that ice cream line. Loved the bit with Frigga. And like. Thor being devastated and traumatized is ok. I think that’s realistic enough even if I wonder how someone that’s been alive for well over 1000 years doesn’t know how to handle himself with slightly more grace. I would have liked to see him crack differently.

9- Cap picking up Thor’s hammer and Thor being happy about it? 10 000 times better than the garbage Whedon wrote. Loved that.

10- Nebula. N E B U L A. NEEEEEBBBUUUUULLLLAAAA. Start to finish fucking loved her. She was amazing. 2 questions though- how did she not kill herself when she killed herself? Which in itself is a fucky question to ask. And also the second contention point I have with the movie beyond time travel bullshit is why NO ONE asked where she was post Nat (that in a minute). I know they were sad about Nat obviously but Rhodey is a full bird colonel, he keeps track of thousands of people for his job, plus all of his involvement in Tony’s antics, plus the Avengers and you’re telling me he didn’t notice her gone even with Nat? And Tony, you’re telling me he didn’t notice her gone? He was the one who bonded with her the most and he didn’t notice that he’s now technically lost two people he was close to? And Rocket? He didn’t notice? Are you fucking kidding me? I thought that was bullshit.

Even if, by chance, Rhodey somehow didn’t notice his partner in crime was missing (”I wasn't always like this” “Neither was I”- new BroTP yo!) when I think his military experience alone would have made him the second most likely to notice after Rocket (because he knows her the best) then Rocket should have. And if for some reason Rocket didn’t notice despite her being all that’s left of his found family, making him extra invested in her whereabouts, over Nat, whom I think he’d care about but not like Nebula, then Tony, who spent all that time with her in space, would have noticed.

Fucking someone would have noticed her gone. And the whole second half relies on no one noticing this moment and I call absolute bullshit on that. Someone. Would. Have. Noticed. Rhodey if for no other reason than experience of keeping track of people in war zones, Rocket if for no other reason than her being his last remaining connection to his family, and Tony if for no other reason than Nebula being a large part of the reason he’s alive. I was completely thrown from the story here. I simply can’t see how they could over look that even considering Natasha.

11- Natasha. Are you fucking kidding me? You killed her over Clint? I fucking hate MCU Clint. He’s boring, he’s nothing like the comics, he’s a fucking prick, and I don’t give a fuck about his family or anything to do with him. I liked him best when he was going to kill himself for Natasha. That is the only moment, as Marie Kondo would say, sparked joy for me. Otherwise throw the whole thing out. Fucking Natasha over Clint. Fuck you. That was an insult to the viewers. I don’t give a fuck about Clint, I don’t give a fuck about his kids aside from thinking they didn’t deserve the snap, and I don’t give a fuck about his story.

My mom said he was a plain Timbit (donut hole for the US readers) in a donut world and I honestly think that’s insulting to the plain Timbit, which is something we give to dogs as treats in Canada. Clint isn’t even a dog treat to me and they killed Black Widow over him. Fucking pissed.

12- “That suit does nothing for your ass” “No one was asking you to look, Tony!” “That’s America’s ass!” .... “That is America’s ass”

13- I actually really liked what they did with Bruce. I was excited to see all the benefits of the Hulk and Banner in one! That was pretty cool!

14- Strange’s reappearance was pretty badass. And Wong! I was excited to see him there! Was a bit surprised by Tilda Swinton’s appearance but okay. I didn’t hate it. Loved when she punched Bruce out of the Hulk lmfao that was so funny. I do like that she apparently does that to everyone lmao. I should write a fic where she punches Wong’s soul out of his body when the meet just because I think it’d be funny. And I’d love to see more Wong.

15- Steve vs Steve was really cool, I liked that. And fucking Hail HYDRA holy fucking shit I almost lost my ass. Couldn’t fucking believe he said that (and knowing that he just leaves that all for Peggy, his 4 month fling? Find this wildly out of character for him). Then he fucks right off with the tesseract omg.

16- Scott had some iconic one-liners. “That’s America’s ass!” “Okay I'm going to go inside you” omg. Ant Man was a joy to watch in this. I find Endgame used his character right.

17- I know I said it but Pepper Potts in the fucking suit y’all! I don’t know who was watching Morgan but also Pepper Potts in the fucking suit!!

18- That time travel shit made things entirely way too fucky. I knew that’s what they were going to do because that’s all that made sense, but I thought it was fucking stupid. And can Thanos even snap the stones out of existence? Because Tilda Swinton’s speech implied if he did something like that timelines would essentially do the funky chicken and die. She removed the time stone and shit was supposed to get weird, remove all 5 and what happens? Wtf? He fucking hid those stones. Did like Thor’s bit there though, killing Thanos. I think Nebula earned it more than him but I also think it was a good moment for Thor before his character became a fucking joke. 

19- narratively I understand why they started with Clint’s family dusting but I don’t give a fuck about Clint or his dusted family. I would have preferred watching a civilian lose his shit.

20- Steve you need therapy, stop leading therapy sessions. Especially when your advice is ‘move on’ and you literally go fucking nowhere in your life even after you went all over hell’s creations. Get this man a proper therapist he needs like 15!

21- lmfao Russos talking about gay representation and it was a guy talking about a date. I shit you the fuck not that was it. Gay. It was barely even there. Only straight men would ever assume that could possibly count as representation holy fuck. Like thanks for the blink you miss it shout out I guess. You remembered gays exist, wow!

22- Strange’s one finger thing, I liked that a lot actually. I think it functioned both as a great call to action and a nice reference to Stephen’s power.

23- Quick question, why was Tilda Swinton in New York? Because they went back too far for Strange- at first I when they mentioned 3 stones in NY I was like wait, when’s Strange’s story supposed to happen? After WS right? He can’t be in NY with the stone? But then Tilda showed up and I was like... why isn’t she in Nepal at the teaching sanctum? Because apparently the NY one isn’t a teaching sanctum and as far as I knew she was training Mordo and Wong there at this time so wtf? And it can’t be explained with ‘she knew she needed to be there’ because she punched Bruce out of hulk and he had to grovel to her to get the fucking thing from her and only managed because she knew Stephen gave up the stone willingly and would never do so without good reason because he’s the best fo the best. So like. Why was she there aside from plot convenience? That was a little too easy. Frankly, the whole plot was a touch too easy but still.

24- tired of aliens we’re supposed to relate to looking like humans but in pink while aliens we’re supposed to dislike are animalistic and non human looking. That��s a garbage trope.

25- The black woman in the elevator who made Tony and Steve is 100% Fury’s mother no one can convince me otherwise. I think the timeline matches up but I don’t care if it doesn’t she’s his mom now. He gets it all from his mama.

Bonus: stop trying to make Howard happen, Marvel, its not going to. I fucking hated that scene with Tony and Howard. What kind of bullshit abuse apology was that? Howard then, sure, he didn’t suck quite yet and seems to be aware of his own shortcomings. Howard in the future? Sorry, irredeemable crap. Narratively interesting irredeemable crap but irredeemable nonetheless. Tony panicking and saying his last name was Potts was great though lol. I’ll take it as evidence he took Pepper’s last name when they got married.

Bonus Bonus: I cried when Sam held the shield. I’ve been gunning for Sam to take over as Cap since we met him and everyone told me it’d be Bucky. I argued that we’ve already seen the story of a super soldier as Cap, it would be more interesting to watch Sam as a relatively normal guy take over as Cap. And I like Bucky traumatized and Winter Solider-y. I think he’s more interesting that way. Seriously though, Sam as Cap will be amazing and I didn’t expect to cry at that of all things but I did. I’m so excited to see him in that role!

Bonus Bonus Bonus for any sorry fucking soul who’s made it this far in I think I might update the Tony, T’Challa, and Their Gaggle of Children verse to include Morgan (but older) finding Tony only she’s his actual assed kid and no one believes it even though they have a striking resemblance. Which annoys them both because he got the media to buy all his other fake kids with easy to track down parents but not his actual kid. Ending with Nebula showing up and him claiming she’s his kid and everyone buying it.

[pinkykitten]

The Maze

Thomas x Taylor 

Warning: death, violence, cursing, spoilers (if u have not seen the movie dont read this)

Specifics: angst, fluff, romance, comedy, gifs, pics, aesthetics, oc, oc story, plus size, 600 followers competition 

People: too many to put down srry 

Words: 15,987 (omg this is the longest thing ive ever written in my life)

Requested: By @fyeahtaylorp (cannot tag) Ok so My OC’s name is Taylor she’s 5,5, plus size, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she’s sassy and confident most of the time. I was thinking maybe rebel Wilson as the actress she resembles. I want her to be with Thomas from the maze runner. I was thinking that they meet in the maze and she’s been there longer than him and they start as friends but when they escape the maze they grow closer especially after she’s taken away from the group when they get to wicked. Maybe she’s scared Thomas is into Teresa or Brenda but he’s is in love with her and she finds that out when he thinks something has happened to her and idk how to end it 😅😂

Authors Note: FINALLY IM ABOUT TO POST THIS AGHGHGHGHGH i am so srry this took so long ive been stressed lately and dealing with some personal issues but omg im so happy how this came out! i hope u guys like it as well and also its super long lol im srry. couple of things, i did not re read this cuz its too much so if there r mistakes then u know im not surprised. also i made my mind that i am not doing this every 100 more followers i get instead its every 300 more followers i get so next time i do a oc competition story will be when i reach 900 followers or if i lol thank u guys for the follow and i am totally getting back to writing i have a lot of things coming up that im excited for yay! hope u enjoy and thank u for requesting! 

previous oc story for my 500 followers: Erik Killmonger x oc Calantha Morrison 

“Stephen, Stephen...I need you. I’m scared.”

With a fright she woke up. Not understanding if her thoughts in her head while she slept were a dream or a reality. Everything she had just played in her mind was like a memory, it was as if Taylor lived through them.

She saw the sun beginning to rise, this was a sign to show her it was the start of the day. Her life seemed to be endless, it seemed to have no meaning. Everyday was unknown, unknown of where she came from or anything before the maze. She was stuck with many, many other young boys around her age, and some younger. It was unfair she felt to her and to the others.

“Where did I come from?” Taylor would ask herself from time to time, really pondering on that question.

As Taylor got up to start the day she got dressed in her ripped jeans and her long sleeve shirt, wearing her boots with it. “Time to begin the day.” She breathed out into the cool air but then she felt her most prized possession. Without even realizing she lifted her hand to touch her necklace. When she first arrived at the maze she was left with the necklace. It must mean something, but if only she knew what it meant, or who gave it to her? What did it signify?

“Hey Newt, hope you slept well,” Taylor smiled as she met with Newt for breakfast her stomach rumbling at the smell of Frypan’s food.

Newt chuckled, patting her arm as the walked to the others, “someone sounds hungry-

Taylor playfully hit his arm, “what’s that supposed to mean?

Newts face went pale as he thought that he had hurt Taylor’s feelings, “oh my, I’m sorry Tay.” She just laughed, “you’re fine Newt. But a girl’s gotta eat!”

Newt laughed at her statement and flung his arm over her shoulders, patting her soft arm in the process. They both walk to the breakfast area. Taylor sniffs the air and motions her way to the food. 

Taylor wiped her mouth as she stood up, enjoying her breakfast especially since she spent it with her friends. It was tough being the only girl in the Glade. Nobody there understood her, they tried to but it was difficult. It was just biology, she was a female and they, they were inexperienced boys. 

As Taylor’s boots trudged through the high, green grass she looked at the huge stone cold walls. The maze it what made everything in life seem impossible. Taylor stared at it, maybe if she stared at it long enough it would go away, but sure enough the concrete barriers were still there, almost seeming to laugh at her. 

“Hey you okay Tay?” Newt asked, concerned as he placed his hand on her shoulder. A smile growing on his lips. 

Taylor nodded and laughed, “yeah I was just thinking thats all. So these tulips, they are very beautiful.” Your hands landed on the flowers of Newt’s garden. The petals were soft and the scent was so pleasing. “Good job Newt, these are gorgeous!”

“Well, you helped me out with them, remember?”

Taylor chuckled, “yeah, I do.” She went to start by getting more suitable dirt for the produce and started taking out any weeds. Then watering them and adding food. 

As Taylor was about to replant some items she heard a lot of commotion coming from, “the box...”

Taylor sprinted to the elevator. All the boys were making a commotion. She squeezed through them and saw...him. Her heart started to beat fast as his light brown eyes met hers. Her blue ocean eyes widened when she saw him. She felt like she had met this boy before but she didn’t know where or how. When the boy’s face lands on her he seems to take a pause and as if inspect her. Gally takes him out of the box and they all corner him, not giving the newcomer space. 

“Hey guys give him some space!” Taylor shouted at the other boys, pushing them away from the newbie. Just then the newcomer makes a run for it. 

“We got a runner!” One of the kid yells. 

Taylor mentally slaps herself at how the others treated the new one. As the new boy falls and trips on the grass, Taylor motions to him. 

“Hello new one, I’m Taylor.” She stuck out her hand, a smile on her face. “Welcome home.”

Taylor and Newt show the ropes to the new kid, him still not remembering his name which she told him he will later on remember but his past will be always forgotten. She explained how everyone in the Glade has a job. “Alby, our leader, was the first one here, but we all have jobs here. Newt likes to garden.”

“And what do you do?” The boy asked, really interested in Taylor. 

Taylor put her hands on her hip all sassy, “well me-”

“Oh no here we go,” Newt laughed, knowing Taylor was about to make a speech of how important and how amazing her job is. 

“I’m a map maker. We have our runners who run the maze and every time they finish the maze they come to me! They tell me whats changed and what to add more. Its a team work and yes Newt to me it is one of the most important jobs. Just saying!”

As Taylor said this the runner came out of the Maze before it closed. 

With Newt’s permission Taylor shows the boy all the different areas and just a little bit about everything of his new home. 

They two sit on a log by the fire with the rest of the kids. Taylor hands the boy a drink to which he thinks taste bad. 

“So out there,” the boy points to the maze. “What happens out there?”

Taylor knew what horrible monster crawled those wall but she did not want to scare the new one, “I don’t really know, remember I’m no runner and for good reason. I could never run all that, I’m too slow.”

The boy laughs, “does anyone stay the night in the maze?”

Taylor shakes her head, her golden blonde hair also moving with her, “no, they wouldn’t survive. I don’t think, but any ways this is your first day here. Lets not worry about those things and instead worry about you having some fun tonight.” She saw the boy was not having it and was not wanting to have fun. With a sigh she sat firmly next to him. “Do you see those stars?”

The boy looks to the black sky, “there are millions of stars.”

“Yeah but these are yours.” She grabbed the boy’s hand and lead him to a bright twinkling star. “I can see that you are going to do just fine here. In fact many will trust, respect, and one will truly love you forever. Your time here will be something of learning and teaching to everyone.”

The boy nodded with surprise, “you got that all from that star, or are you just trying to make me feel better?”

“The stars never lie Greenie.” She puts her hand out to him as he takes it. They stand up to talk somewhere more private but as they do Gally throws a guy to the boy. 

They both start competing. “Okay Gally thats enough, he’s new here!” Taylor shouts to him over the other boys screaming and cheering. As she thought that the newbie would not win he pushes Gally to the floor. Everyone including Taylor cheers for the boy, but Gally kicks him making the greenie fall on his head. 

“My name is Thomas.” The boy stands up screaming with pure joy. “My name is Thomas, its Thomas!”

“Hooray for Thomas,” Taylor exclaims, slapping a hand on Thomas’s shoulder. The crowd goes wild for him. 

“Welcome home Thomas,” Alby says as he hand him a drink. 

The next day was hectic. One of the runners named Ben was stung by a griever and he attacked Thomas. Taylor heard the commotion and helped Newt hit Ben on the head with a shovel. Then Alby told the boys to lift Ben’s shirt. Seeing the stung made Taylor’s heart ache, she can see the pain and sadness of knowing in Ben’s eyes. She left with tears in her eyes. 

Taylor, Chuck and Alby all sat Thomas down to explain what had happened, to explain the nightmares that lay beyond those walls. 

She knew what was to happen the next day though. Ben is forced to enter into the maze and left their to die. There is no cure for the stung. Seeing this made Taylor cry, hating the outcome of life. 

Later on, Minho who is the lead runner and Alby go in the maze to retrace Ben’s steps. 

As Taylor awaited for them she spent the time with Thomas. Her hands were sweaty and she was nervous for them. Thomas made her feel safe and better. 

“I’m scared Thomas. I wish Ben’s life would not have ended that way, I hate when this happens.”

Thomas grabbed her hand and reassuringly rubbed his thumb over her knuckles. The action made Taylor blush and feel some sort of attraction to the newbie. “Every things gonna be fine Tay, remember the stars.” He smiled to her as he moved a piece of stray hair behind her ear. 

Taylor held onto Thomas’s hand and onto her necklace, just awaiting for the others. 

Finally at dusk Taylor and the others wait my the entrance of the maze. The doors have opened but there is no Minho or Alby. Taylor’s heart starts to pound, fast. She is frightened and scared. With her left hand to her lips she quickly searches for Thomas’s hand, her right soft one clasping his calloused hand.

“Why are they taking so long.” She whispered under her breath, clutching onto Thomas hand harder. 

“C’mon guys can’t we send someone after them?” Thomas asked, already looking worried. 

Gally squatting by the floor says, “that’s against the rules.”

Taylor rolls her eyes and massages her temple. 

“Either they make it back or they don’t.”

Newt looks at Taylor and Thomas, “can’t risk loosing anyone else.”

Suddenly, a huge gust of wind blows at the group awaiting. Taylor puts her arm up to shield herself from the particles in the wind. 

Then the maze gears start to turn and the maze walls start closing slowly. 

“Oh no,” Chuck whispers. 

“No please no,” Taylor starts to panic. Seeing the door start to close. 

“There,” points Thomas. 

In the distance of the maze Minho is carrying Alby, it seems as if he is hurt. 

“Oh my god look there right there,” Taylor shouts, feeling happy that she sees them, but they are so far away. 

“Wait something is wrong,” Newt points out. 

“Oh no,” Taylor says worried. 

“C’mon Minho you can do it!” Shouts Chuck. 

The rest of the boys start to cheer for Minho, Gally saying for Minho to leave Alby there. 

“C’mon Minho, hurry Minho! You can do this!” Taylor screams as loud as she can. Her heart racing every second that goes by. 

“They’re not gonna make it,” Newt and Taylor realize. 

“They’re too far away,” Taylor cries, tears going down her face. 

The maze walls getting close to shutting fully Taylor is at this point gripping Thomas arm so hard. 

Minho screams as he tries to drag Alby to the entrance of the maze, going as fast as he can. 

“He’s not gonna make it,” Taylor whispers. Every one is screaming, shouting, trying to push Minho to go faster. She looks around to all the scared faces, all the faces that seem to have hope. Taylor looks in front, feeling helpless as she cries more. 

Thomas realizes what must be done and without a second thought he runs ahead with only a few inches left until the maze closes. 

“NO THOMAS!” Taylor screams in a high pitched scream as she tries to grab Thomas. 

Everything else was like a flash before her eyes. Her Thomas was gone. 

“NO!!!!”

The door to the maze fully closed and Taylor fell onto the dirt, crying, knowing Thomas, Minho, and Alby were already gone. 

“No Thomas, why?” She cried as she wrapped herself in her sweater, wanting to feel his hand once again. 

She waited there all night, wrapping herself tighter in her sweater, clutching onto the necklace. 

“Taylor, you can’t stay here all night.” Newt said as he sat beside her, looking up the maze. 

“Yes I can and I will. Did you see what Thomas did Newt? He risked his life,” she stood up and placed her delicate cold hands on the stone wall. “He is  a hero, Newt. He’s probably scared, I just,” she gave a big sigh. “I just want him to be safe. He was one of the good ones, I saw it.”

Newt nodded his head and stayed with Taylor for as long as he could, when it was time to go to sleep he left Taylor with her thoughts. Taylor traced over the names of those who had passed away. Scolding herself for thinking that the name Thomas would be carved there. “C’mon Thomas, you gotta make it. You just gotta.”

When morning came Taylor was the first one waiting there for them. Her feet tapped subconsciously on the dirt floor. 

The door of the maze opened up and Taylor, Chuck, Newt and some others were there as well. Taylor held onto Chuck’s hand and he hugged her, trying to reassure here. 

“I’m here for you Taylor,” Chuck said.

“Thanks Chuck.” Chuck was like a little brother to Taylor. He was such a happy boy and just so kind it made her feel thankful to know him. 

Taylor and Chuck were so hopeful, just wanting to see the others there at the entrance of the maze. 

But nobody was there. 

“Told you guy,” Newt started. “they’re not coming back.”

Every one was starting to loose faith as they walked away, preceding with their life. Not Taylor though and Chuck. They stood and waited. 

Taylor looked down, starting to also loose faith as she didn’t see them coming. 

“No way,” said a boy as Taylor lifted her head she saw...

them. 

“Yeah!” Cheered Chuck. 

“Oh my god, yes! Yes!” She started to squeal. Taylor was overjoyed and so happy to see them. 

Thomas and Minho both worked together in saving Alby. They made it through the doors and laid Alby on the floor. 

Taylor’s eyes started to become glassy, they were starting to tear up at the sight before her. 

“You saw a griever?” Chuck asked, looking at Minho and Thomas. 

“Yeah I saw one.” Thomas said, out of breath. 

Minho shook his head, “he didn’t just see it, he killed it.”

The whole group looked at Thomas, shocked. Taylor smirked and hugged Thomas, “I knew there was something special about you.”

Thomas chuckled and hugged Taylor back. 

They arrive back to the hut where they all sit down and discuss what has changed within the maze. 

“This is where the magic happens,” Taylor whispered to Thomas as she gave him a wink. As they walked in there laid the map. It was unlike any other map. It was not made out of paper, no, it was made out of sticks, rocks. It showed where turns were made, how abstract the maze truly was. 

“Wow, this is what you guys do?” Thomas asked, mesmerized by how Taylor and her team had built the maze replica. 

“Yeah, now you’re a part of it.” Taylor bit her lip, trying to hold in her immense smile knowing now she gets to spend moments with Thomas. 

Thomas looks up at Taylor and grins at her, “well first off we went through here.”

Thomas and Minho sat in front of Taylor, telling her every little detail on how the maze has changed. They place the rock that they had written each section of the place and put it in its proper area.

Thomas peers around the room which makes Taylor uncomfortable. The room is dark, dull, it smells of copper, so much that someone could taste it. Taylor was the same way when she peered into the map making room, to her it was a bit scary, but if it was going to save the lives of all these kids, she would sacrifice her nose smell for a little bit. 

As Taylor listens to Minho’s route she stares intently at one piece, “hey maybe this is a pattern?”

The group discussed all night, for many hours. Words exchanging, ideas, thoughts, it was a long, long night. 

The next day as Taylor is tending to the garden she hears the unusual sound. The creaking of the box. 

“Guys! Guys come check this out!” She shouts as she runs to the elevator. The others arrive as well and the person that is shown shocks every one. 

“What in the world?” Some ask as they stare at this...

“Its a girl...,” Taylor crawls in the box as she stares at another girl. She’s not just the only girl anymore. A part of her feels happy and glad but another part of her feels, jealous. She did not understand why.

Newt jumps in as well, “yeah you’re right Tay...its another girl.”

They all stare in amazement and curiosity. Why would they be sent another girl? 

“Whats in her hand?” Gally asks. Newt takes out the paper in her hand and written on the small piece it says, ‘shes the last one ever’. Taylor’s face looks confused, what could this mean?

“What the hel* does that mean?” Newt looks up at Taylor. 

The new girl suddenly wakes up with a gasp, her breathing very hard. As she is struggling to regain her breath she utters only one name, “Thomas...”

The boys and Taylor look at Thomas, expecting him to know why this new girl said his name. He gave a look back of unknowing. 

As the three, Taylor, Thomas, and Minho discuss more about the maze in the map room some boys come around to the entrance. 

““What are you guys doing? You’re not allowed here,” Taylor tries to shoo them off but they stand their ground. “But its the girl.”

“What is she awake?” Thomas questions. 

The two boys look at each other then at Taylor’s group, “yeah well, you can say that.”

As Taylor runs to where the new girl is at Chuck chuckles and points up, “Girls are awesome.”

Taylor shoots him a face of annoyance, “really shank? Now you realize that?” She looks up to see the newbie throwing rocks at the boys down below. “Are you serious?” 

The boys have shields and are trying to diffuse the situation. 

“We just want to talk,” intervenes Thomas, but still the new girl keeps throwing rocks. 

“Let me handle this,” Taylor says as she stand in front of the boys. “Hello there fellow girl. How bout me and you talk? Just us girls only, hmm?”

The girl pauses with the rocks for a moment and that lets Taylor go up. 

As she climbs up she sees the girl there, huddled probably scared. 

“Hi there,” Taylor greets her with a smile. “Don’t worry none of the boys are coming up.”

“You’re a girl?” The new one asks, looking at Taylor up and down. 

Taylor nods, “yeah, I’m the first girl. Its nice to see another one, lets me have closure. Knowing I can relate to you.”

“How come I can’t remember anything?”

“Don’t worry, that happens to us all. I don’t remember anything, my past, memories, they are all gone. All I have is this to remind me that I did have a past.” Taylor pulls up her necklace for the new girl to see it. 

“Its beautiful.”

“Thanks, now you might remember your name a few hours from now or the next day.”

“My name is Teresa.”

Taylor is shocked a little. The new girl remember’s her name already. Something was way off about this Greenie. “Well Teresa my name is Taylor, nice to meet you.”

Behind Taylor climbs a Thomas. Teresa quickly pulls out a machete and points it at him. 

“Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, easy alright?”

“Yeah its okay Teresa, he’s one of the good guys,” Taylor smiles at Thomas. Thomas gives a little grin to Taylor at the comment she said. 

“So your name is Teresa?” Thomas asks as he settles next to Taylor. Teresa nods while Thomas introduces himself. “Teresa, I’m Thomas. But you already knew that, I guess, huh?”

Teresa still pointing the blade at Thomas looks to Taylor, “they said I kept saying his name in my sleep.” She turns to look at Thomas, “who are you?”

“He doesn’t know either,” Taylor says. “No one here remembers anything. We are just like you.”

Thomas places his hand on Taylor lap, “yeah, shes right. We all woke up in that box just like you. We are all the same. So I’m gonna take this.” Thomas takes the machete out of Teresa’s hand and gives it to Taylor. “Okay.”

Taylor let out the breath she had been holding. Taylor and Thomas stood by with Teresa, to make sure she felt safe. But there were so many questions that needed answering. 

Thomas, Minho, Winston, Zart and Frypan enter into the maze. Taylor says her goodbyes to them but as Thomas is about to leave Taylor meets with him. 

“I wanted to give you something before you go.” Taylor hands Thomas a sheet of paper, on the paper is drawn a butterfly on a flower. It looks so realistic and it is shaded nicely. “Its a little something so you remember me in there.”

Thomas smiles and brings Taylor into a long, tight hug. “I’m gonna miss you,” he murmurs in her ear. 

Taylor does not want to let go. She wants to keep holding onto him forever, “Please be careful out there. Please come back to me.” She cradles his face with her hands giving him a painful goodbye. He lets go and enters in the maze with the rest of the boys. 

When they return Gally states that Thomas has jepordized the peaceful relationship between the Gladers and the Grievers. 

“Really Gally? Just because they found that device inside one? Maybe that could be a way out!” Taylor tried to reason with him. But it was no use. Gally wanted him punished. 

“Wait a second, why don’t we just make Thomas a runner?” Newt suggested patting Taylor’s back knowing she would back him up on this idea. 

“That’s a great idea, second-in-command.” She expressed and put more emphasize on second-in-command to show he was high in social level. “Thomas would make a great runner.”

So it was made, Thomas ended up being designated as a runner. 

Minho guides Thomas to the maze Taylor built again. Now its more important than ever to really pay attention to the model since the boys found some new clues. 

“Three years,” Taylor says as she walks around the table where the model is being displayed. “Three years of exploration and finally now, now that you Thomas are making a difference, we are actually getting somewhere.”

Thomas places his hand on Taylor’s waist making Taylor blush. Minho spots the attraction between them and gives a smirk. He coughs and raises his brow, “...well then, along with what Taylor said the Maze’s numbered sections open and close in a regular sequence, that might be a code.”

Taylor peers at the device and then at the model of the maze. “Yeah, look. The device is numbered to correspond to a certain section within the maze. With this device we may be able to actually escape!”

This was good new to every one. Finally, a chance to escape, finally a chance to see the other world. That hope that Taylor longed for just seemed so out of reach mere seconds ago, yet when she says the plan it seems as if now it is lightly grazing her fingertips. Like she can feel it.

Taylor walks in on Teresa with two syringes. Taylor gave a face of curiosity. She did not know what liquid was in those shots and yet before Taylor could ask, Teresa already stuck it into Alby. 

“What did you do to him?” Taylor raised her fists to Teresa but she just put her hands up in defense. 

“Its okay Taylor!...Its okay. This is gonna help him.”

Taylor side eyed Teresa, “How do I know you’re not lying, hmm?”

Teresa shrugged, “you’re just gonna have to trust me.”

Taylor angry leaves the hut that Alby is in and goes into the woods to read and draw, trying to block out her. Taylor was not one to feel self-conscious, or jealous but when she saw Teresa she felt those evil things. When she saw Teresa with Thomas the anger boiled more within her. Taylor knew in her head that Teresa and Thomas must have had history together so Taylor knew she did not have a chance, and the thin girl always wins. 

That day Thomas and Minho again went into the Maze. When they came back Thomas was oddly happy to see Taylor. 

Thomas ran up to her and gave her a big hug. 

“Whats this for?” Taylor chuckles, deepening the hug. 

“Tay,” Thomas puts his hands on her cheeks, it looks as if he is about to kiss her. “We may have found a way to get out of here, to get out of this maze. Wouldn't you like that?”

Taylor smiles, “I would love that Thomas.” She then laces her fingers with his wanting to show him that she does care and that he does matter. Thomas looks at the two hands together and starts coming in closer to Taylor but then Gally interrupts and starts to have an argument with Thomas. The argument is cut short when Teresa says that Alby’s awake. Feeling relief Taylor makes her way over to his hut to see how he is doing. 

“Has he said anything?” Minho asks, worry clearly evident in his voice. 

“No,” Teresa answers. 

“Alby, Alby you alright?” Newt asks, looking into Alby’s eyes as he rests next to him on his bed.

“Lets not over crowd him guys. I don’t want to scare him or makes him feel uncomfortable.” Taylor says, standing next to Thomas and squatting to get a good eyes level with Alby. 

“Hey Alby,” Thomas said as he squats next to Taylor. “We might of just found a way out of the maze. You hear me, we could be gettin out of here.”

Alby then whispers the next two words, tears falling down his face. “We can’t...we can’t leave. They won’t let us.”

“What are you talking about?” Thomas asks, uncertain. 

“I remember,” Alby says, making Taylor gasp. 

“What do you remember?” Thomas questions Alby. 

“You.”

“Thomas, what is he talking about?” Taylor’s eyes searching for an answer as she looks to Thomas. 

“And you...Taylor. You two were always their favorites. Always.”

Taylor’s heart started to beat at an uncontrollable rate. She felt unable to breathe. Alby knew something of her past that she doesn’t even know. Did she know Thomas before the maze? Her head was starting to spin, her whole life seemed like a mystery to her. 

“Why did you do this?” Alby’s tears came out more as he stared at Taylor and Thomas. “Why did you two come here?”

There is a lot of commotion outside the tent. The whole group goes outside to see what all the ruckus is when they are met with something of their nightmares. 

That night the maze entrance does not close leaving the Grievers to pour into the glade. It was a war between the Gladers and the monsters. Every one who knew Taylor knew about her fears. One of her fears was spiders, and to her these Grievers looked like gigantic, scary, spiders. Taylor and the rest of the gang tried their hardest to fight against the demons but some won. Some of your group including Zart and the beloved Alby passed due to the fighting. It was a struggle to fight and to try to win. Taylor kept close to Thomas, making sure he was safe before her in any of this. 

As the fight finished Taylor looked around her. The home she knew all these years was broken, it was devastating. All their produce was gone, everything was up in flames. But Taylor did not blame Thomas for any of it, instead she embraced his actions knowing things were gonna change soon. 

Gally came furious to Thomas and punched him, blaming him for all the mess and how the Grievers are now angry with the Gladers. In an attempt to regain his memories, Thomas stabs himself with a  Griver stinger. 

“No! Thomas what are you doing?” Taylor called out to him, catching him as he fell after the impact of the sting. 

She waits, and waits. Since Thomas was knocked unconscious because of the sting, Gally made it that Thomas was put in a cell. So Taylor waited right next to the cell until Thomas woke up. She kept looking at him and then at her necklace. She felt like all this time she knew Thomas, something within her made her feel some sort of attraction towards Thomas. Like if they were meant to be. 

Thomas woke up, his eyes shooting open as if he were amazed or surprised. 

“Thomas you’re awake!” Taylor shoots him a smile as she combs back her blonde hair with her hands. “I have some bad news for you.”

All the while Taylor is telling him how Gally is going to sacrifice him and Teresa, Thomas cannot stop looking at her with a face. He just stares into those blue eyes, knowing full well the whole story, the reason for that necklace. He knows about her past, her memories. But he chose to keep that inside...for now. 

“Are you okay Thomas?”

“Why do you never give up on me? Like, here, you always takes my side, are always by my side, why?”

Taylor just shrugged, “I don’t know. I just feel comfortable and safe around you. Someone who makes me feel that way couldn’t be bad.”

Thomas smiles and puts his fingers through the cell spaces. Taylor grabs his fingers and with a heart warming grin opens the cell for him. 

Without Taylor, Thomas goes to the other to tell them about what he remembered. As Gally tries to sacrifice Thomas and Teresa, the other Gladers free them and are on their way through the maze. 

Taylor is very much afraid, going through the maze. She is afraid of the what she calls spiders, but the Grievers. As she walks through with the others for the first time Thomas holds her hand in his. 

“I’m here Tay. I’m gonna protect you.”

That made Taylor feel at more ease. As Taylor and the group come face to face with the monsters, Thomas saves and protects Taylor. They make it past through the Grievers, some from the group have passed but the survivors stumble upon a laboratory. 

“What in the hel* is this?” Taylor asks as she and the others see dead scientists and technicians there. “It looks like there was a shootout here or something.”

Suddenly a woman in a video recording shows up. Her name is Ava Paige, she starts explaining that the planet is broken by a solar flare, and then there’s the deadly virus called the Flare that if someone were to have it, it would affect the brain. The Gladers, Taylor, are immune to the flare. She then learns how all this, the maze, the chaos, all the hel* that they were put through was for an experiment. It was to study their brains as it worked as a resistance to the virus. Taylor feels as if she knows the woman, she keeps an eye on her while Thomas stares at Taylor, knowing the full story. 

Taylor can see in the background of the video, these men start coming out in these mercenary clothing and start shooting the others there. Dr. Paige lifts a gun to her head and before she shoots herself she utters these last words, “and remember, W.C.K.D is good.” She pulls the trigger and shoots the bullet in her head. 

Taylor shouts in surprise and puts her face to Thomas’s chest. Thomas pats her back lovingly and looks completely shocked, not knowing what the next step is.

 As Taylor looks back she sees, “Gally?” The whole group turns around and sees that Gally is there. It appears as if he has been stung from a Griever. He has a gun in his hand, his body starts shaking as he starts to tear up. 

“Gally...stop what you are doing. We can talk about this.” Taylor tries to reassure him as she puts her hand in front of Thomas to protect him. 

“We can’t leave.” Gally starts as he shaking his head. 

“We did Gally, we’re out.” Thomas says as he’s on alert mode. Nobody knowing what Gally is going to do next. “We’re free.”

“Free?” Gally laughs as he looks around. “You think we’re free out there? No, no there’s no escape from this place.” He then lifts the gun at the group. Every one gasps and walks back. Thomas tries to reason with him. “Gally listen to me. You’re not thinking straight. You’re not.”

Taylor turns around to see Minho tighten his grip around his spear. 

“And we can help you,” Thomas pleads. “Just put down the gun.”

With his gun pointing directly at Thomas, Gally cries, “I belong to the maze.”

“Just put down the gun,” Thomas says again. 

“We all do,” Gally says as he’s about to shoot. 

“Gally!” Thomas and Taylor scream as Chuck goes in front of Thomas and Taylor. Every thing happened at the speed of light. The gun was shot but Minho threw his spear directly into Gally’s chest. Every one is scared and shocked at the sight before them. Gally is struggling to breathe as he falls atop the broken pieces of glass. Just as Taylor thought everything was going to be okay Chuck starts to breathe differently. 

“Thomas,” Chuck says as he looks at him and Taylor looks down to his chest to see the bullet shot Chuck. 

“No, oh god please no,” Taylor starts crying as Thomas catches him before he fell to the floor. 

“Oh shi*, oh shi*,” Thomas panics as he runs his hands up and down Chucks face and chest, not knowing what to do with the wound. “Look at me, Chuck just hang on.” Thomas tries to talk him into staying alive, giving him words of encouragement. Taylor’s vision starts to become blurry from all her crying. 

As Chuck struggles to breathe he hands Thomas the carving he did that he was going to give to his parents. He is now entrusting that Thomas finish the quest. 

“No, Chuck you’re gonna give that to them, remember? You’re gonna live, my sweet Chuck.” Taylor voice comes out in broken sobs but at the same time her voice is soothing and comforting. Her hands go to stroke Chuck’s curly hair, wanting his death to be as peaceful as possible. 

“Thank you,” Chuck smiles as he looks up to Taylor and then Thomas. His breathing is loud and then...it stops. Those were Chuck’s last words. 

“Chuck? Chuck, hey. Hey, Chuck c’mon! Oh my god!” Thomas sobs as he sees his friend die right in front of him. His eyes still open as he fell asleep in death. Taylor looks up to see the rest of the group crying as well. She starts by putting a hand on Thomas’s back but she as well is sobbing vigorously. “Oh Chuck.”

Suddenly, a door opens and a bright light falls through the room. These men start running in as Teresa calls out for him. Thomas does not care, his tears and crying are all that comes out of him. Taylor puts her hand on her mouth and closes her eyes as she cries some more. The men come in and take the others away, but the pull Taylor and Thomas away from Chuck’s body. As they try to take Thomas away Thomas wiggles out of their grasp and crawls away to Chuck’s body. They pull him away as he cries to let him go. Taylor and the rest run out into a whole landscape of sandy dunes. Every one is ushered into a helicopter. As they throw Thomas in, Taylor grabs him and sits next to him, holding his hand. The masked man reassures the others that they are safe. The helicopter flies up and down below is the maze. Taylor opens her mouth in shock as she sees what the maze truly looks like. All her life that’s all she’s ever know. She was afraid to see what life was like after all this. 

“Relax kid, everything's gonna change,” the masked man says. 

Taylor looks out the window to the new possibilities, to the new future of her life. 

It had been a couple of years since Taylor was rescued, along with other Gladers, from the maze. They are all taken to a facility by a man named Mr. Janson. He tells the group that the building is a safe haven, it will protect them. That they are protected by WCKD, the virus and the after math of the virus...cranks. He also gives food, clothes, and sanitation. There are also others from different mazes present there.

Taylor met one girl that was also in her shoes. She was part of a maze as well. She was also bigger than most of the girls so Taylor and her had a lot in common. Her name was Jessica. On the first night that they stayed, Taylor felt afraid and unsure but Jessica made her feel welcomed and safe. 

(this is Jessica: oc, models name is Paloma Elsesser)

During lunch after Taylor would talk with her friends she would then talk with Jessica. 

“Don’t you feel its a little bit...odd.” Taylor asks one day as she stares at the people working at the facility. 

“What do you mean by odd?” Jessica raises her brow. 

“I mean, why would they give us all this? Like what are they really doing behind closed doors?”

“I don’t know about you but I’m happy with having these things. I think you’re just worrying too much.”

Taylor bit her lip as she nodded, “yeah you’re probably right.”

No...Taylor was very wrong. Thomas and another boy from another maze named Aris Jones went to inspect what was really happening behind closed doors. To Taylor it was horrific. She felt that every one here lied to her. They learned that Dr. Ava Paige is still alive and that Mr. Janson is working for WCKD. Taylor even learned that they were experiment on the immunes and Janson has yet to find the Right Arm, which is a resistance group located in the mountains. 

“Tay, they lied to us. All of us,” Thomas says as he tries to convince her. Taylor nods and hugs him. “Don’t worry Thomas, I would never lie to you. And besides we will always find a way out.” She smiles up at him and as they get closer and closer Jessica interrupts, “Oh am I ruining something here?”

Taylor puts her hand on her hip and chuckles, “no you’re not. C’mon I have a lot of explaining to do with you.” 

The group including Aris and Jessica escape the facility. Everyone runs to the doors as they announce on the speakers the count down. Thomas holds Taylor’s hand as they run while Jessica holds onto Newt’s hand. 

As Thomas tries to put the card in to open the door Mr. Janson and his group show up. The door isn’t opening though. 

“Aw shi*, it looks like its jammed!” Taylor becomes worried as Thomas keeps re trying and re trying. 

“Oh my god we’re not gonna make it,” Jessica bits her nails. 

“Thomas!” Yells rat-face. Everyone starts panicking and they start hitting the door while Thomas grabs the gun he’s holding and points it to Mr. Janson. 

“Open this door Janson,” Thomas comes closer with the gun, while Janson holds his hands up in surrender mode. 

“You really don’t want me to!”

“Open the dam* door!” Thomas screams while Taylor and Minho try to go through the door. 

“Listen to me! I’m trying to save your life. The maze is one thing but you kids would not last a day out in the scorch. If the elements won’t kill you, the cranks will. Thomas, you have to believe me. I only want whats best for you.”

Finally Thomas shows Janson’s true colors, he reveals the secret Janson has been keeping. “Yeah let me guess, WCKD is good?”

Janson becomes agitated and he lets his arms down, “you’re not getting through that door Thomas. 

“Its unlocked!” Taylor shouts as the door starts to move upward. On the other side you are met with Alvis and Winston. “Hey guys.”

“C’mon,” Frypan says as he runs out. Everyone goes except for Taylor. Taylor wants to wait for Thomas so she moves next to him. “C’mon Thomas we have to go! Lets go!” Thomas starts shooting Janson and his men as he backs up with Taylor. The gun stops working and he throws it to the men. As Thomas turns around to run away he grabs Taylor’s hand and they run together to the door with Janson and his men following them. 

Janson says in his watch, “shut the main vault door. Shut the main vault door!”

As Taylor and Thomas are running to the door, the door starts to close. 

“No!” Shouts Teresa. 

Taylor grasps Thomas’s hand so hard as she runs for dear life. 

The group starts to shout at the two of them, “C’mon Thomas, Taylor! C’mon!”

The door almost closes as Taylor and Thomas slide under the small gap that was left. The two make it leaving Taylor so terrified. 

“Oh my god girl you scared me!” Jessica says as she grabs Taylor in a tight hug, helping her get up. “C’mon we gotta go.”

Alvis hits the lock so that Janson cannot get through. As the group is about to leave Winston grabs a gun making Taylor do the same. Thomas sees that Janson cannot get through so he puts his middle finger up, making Taylor laugh. They all run away. Taylor holding onto Jessica’s hand as they make it to the exit. The alarm sounding off. Thomas opens the huge doors and whats shown out there is really a windy sandy place. Taylor’s afraid and she holds onto Jessica’s hand tighter. 

“We got this Tay,” Jessica says with a smile. “We gonna be fine, you’ll see.”

Taylor nods and the group get out and into the scorch. 

Taylor and the rest end up at an abandoned market place. Its dark and very spooky, no light reaching inside at all.

“Wow its so dark, man,” Jessica puts her hands out in front of her to prove a point. 

Minho then starts the generator and as the lights come on it looks as if people were here before. There are tents and blankets resting on the floor, lights that are strung above the items. More lights keep turning on, lamps, small lights, they keep flashing on. Minho smiles thinking every thing is fine until a, what seems to be a woman, comes slamming on the fence door. Her mouth and eyes are pitch black and she has veins all over her face. 

Minho and Taylor scream in unison, “Thomas watch out!”

“What the hel* is that?” As Taylor stands next to Minho, bringing Thomas back. As those words left her mouth there was more screeching behind them. Taylor, Minho, and Thomas turned around and out came a whole group of them. 

“Oh my god theres more!” Taylor said backing away, her backpack behind her carrying her gun.

One of them came limping to the group but Minho picked up a sledgehammer and smacked the thing with it. 

“What the hell is that thing?” Minho asks, his flashlight shining on them. Out in the distance more of them came, “C’mon we gotta go! We gotta go!” Thomas shouted, pulling Taylor by her jacket with him. Running out the double doors the Cranks are right behind them. Taylor helps the boys to close the door before the crank could come in. 

“Hold it down!” Shouts Minho. 

“What?” Thomas asks. Taylor sees Minho is having some trouble pushing the huge cabinets to cover the door so she goes next to him and helps push. “Watch out Thomas!” Taylor exclaims as the cabinet falls to cover the door. 

Now, cranks are coming out of every corner. “Oh shi*,” Taylor mutters as Thomas grabs her hand and they all run away. Making it up the escalator Taylor follows Thomas but she slips and her foot gets caught in the escalator. Thomas and Minho almost up ahead don’t take notice of her fall. Taylor, panicking tries to take her foot out but it is really stuck. She turns her head back and sees the cranks coming closer. “Thomas! Minho!” Her screams echoes through the building and Thomas turns around not seeing Taylor. 

“Minho wheres Taylor?!?”

Minho shrugs and his eyes widen. “Crap c’mon!” 

Thomas ran like he has never ran in his life, he ran faster than ever in the maze. “I need to help her. Please, oh god please, please be okay.” He thought in his head thinking about Taylor. 

Taylor, still shouting sees the cranks coming closer and closer. She starts to tear up, this is it, this is where she dies. As the cranks are almost to her Thomas and Minho make it and see that indeed her foot it stuck. 

“Oh Tay this may hurt,” Minho winces as he sees her foot, but then he quickens as he sees how many are behind them. “Shi*”

Thomas grabs her hand, “don’t worry Tay, I’m right here. I won’t let anything happen to you.” His other hand is tending to her foot. 

Taylor smiles and puts her head back along with her hands. “I’ll hold them off boys.” She pulls her gun out and starts shooting those that are almost to them. 

“Okay but she’s a badas*,” Minho chuckles seeing even though Taylor hurting she still manages to get the work done!

“C’mon,” Thomas says as he is getting frustrated. Finally they set her free and she sprints in front of Thomas, him still holding her hand to make sure she is safe and with him now 100 percent of the time. 

“I told you we got you,” Thomas smiles as they now run so fast away from the cranks close up on them.

As Taylor, Minho and Thomas sprint ahead they see the rest of their group. 

“We have to warn them!” Taylor said as she started to wave her hands to get their attention and to show panic. 

“Hey!” Shouts Thomas. The rest of the group look at the three running and they wear a curious face. The three yell all different things, warnings, to run, to go away. 

“Why aren’t they moving?” Minho asks as he runs ahead of Taylor. Then Taylor sees their horrified face when they see the cranks running ahead. The others start running as the cranks get closer to Taylor. Taylor, already tired keeps her head in the game. Jumping over man boxes laid on the floor so as not to lose the momentum. A back pack is thrown to Thomas and Taylor assists him in putting it on. The group now rejoined, they make their way up another escalator. As they make their way up a crank appears out of nowhere and the others are scared and taken aback. Aris gets his bat and hits the crank with it. More cranks appear and the group is split up for only a short while. Teresa is split with Thomas while Taylor is put with the others. A crank comes at Taylor and Newt and as it is about to get the two of them Taylor pulls out her gun and aims straight at the cranks head, pulling the trigger. “Bulls eye,” Taylor smirks. Everyone meets up again as they try to make it to the exit. Newt again gets tackled by a crank and Thomas saves him. A whole group of cranks start appearing from the distance to the group of Taylor’s. Everyone runs to a small corridor that is nearby. It is tight and compact and no one knows where they are going. The cranks go into the tiny space as well. Everyone freaks out. 

“C’mon guys move it!” Taylor shouts as it is hard for her to manage in that tight space. They make it to doors but as Thomas and Minho try to open them up they cannot because they are locked. 

“Are you serious right now?” Taylor panics as she combed her hair with her fingers. 

Minho and Thomas try to open it up and Winston shouts, “I’ll hold them back.” He pulls out his gun while Taylor does the same. She stands next to Winston and starts shooting the cranks. Winston smiles at her and she nods, grinning. Frypan finally opens the door and Thomas grabs Taylor’s hand to go through the door first. As Winston tries to go out he gets caught by some cranks and as they try to take him out of the grasps of the cranks the cranks start scratching him on the stomach. Taylor with Minho and Thomas try to close the doors but Thomas sends Minho away. 

“Go Tay, I got this, go.”

“No I’m not leaving you. We do this together.”

Thomas looks at the cranks and at the right time he grabs Taylor’s hands and they both run away together. 

They all spent the night under some debris just waiting for the right time to make a run for it. 

When they all wake up, Thomas looks out to see if it is safe to leave. In the light of the morning sun Taylor peers around her surroundings and sees how city is in ruins. 

“WCKD is probably still looking for us. We have to move.” Taylor says as she stretches and grabs her gun. She grabs Jessica’s hand and brings her up for a stand. 

As the group trudges along through the sand Winston’s infection is getting worse until he falls down. Taylor can see the pain evident on his face, she feels so sorry for him. She wanted him to make it. She looked at the others face and some knew but some had hope. That was good for him in that moment, to have hope. 

“I’m not gonna make it,” Winston says in a rough, hoarse voice. His breathing is starting to quicken. Everyone looks at each other, not knowing what to do. “Please don’t let me turn into one of those things.”

Taylor feels a tear fall down her cheek, her heart breaking at what she is seeing. Winston pulls his hand out as if to hand something to him. 

Everyone is frozen but Newt goes and takes the gun. Thomas thinks that he’s going to shoot Winston but he doesn’t. Instead Newt gives him the gun, it will be on Winston’s time to do that to himself. 

“Thank you,” Winston manages to say. “Now get out of here.”

“Goodbye Winston,” Newt swallows the pain as he looks into his eyes. 

Everyone leaves until its just Taylor and Thomas. Thomas’s eyes become glassy as he looks at a dying man. “Its alright,” Winston reassures him in his last moments. 

“I’m sorry,” Thomas whispers. 

Winston’s last words were, “Thomas, take care of them okay?”

Thomas nods and leaves with Taylor. 

As they go and move away a gun shot is heard through out. It echoes in the world. Everyone pauses and just takes a time to gather themselves up and proceed. Taylor still has tears coming out but she doesn’t want to make a scene so she tries to compose herself and wipes her tears away. 

Thomas sees this and holds her hand, “hey you know, its okay to cry.” He said it more as a statement then a question. Taylor brought him into a hug and cried into his shoulders, feeling mentally tired and emotionally. But she was determined to make it to the end.  

Night came and so did sleep, but as the group was in slumber Thomas woke up to a civilization in the distance, but they are also greeted by a thunderstorm. They run to an abandoned building for shelter but as they are running Jessica slows down. Minho helps and tries to save her by helping her in running but he gets struck by the lighting. 

“Minho!” Jessica and Thomas cream in unison. As they take him to the shelter he does indeed survive. Jessica hugs him lightly, not wanting to hurt him and smiles, “thanks Min Min for saving my as*, I am a god dam* slow runner. For real though, thank you.”

They are greeted with chained up cranks. One after enough coming at them but not quite yet making it. 

“I see you’ve met our guard dogs.” A new voice calls out. It is a girl, she walks up to all of the group and smiles, “you guys look like shi*.”

“Hel* I like her already,” Jessica chuckles but Taylor hits her lightly on the chest. “Ow, what she seems pretty okay.”

“We don’t know what she’s like,” Taylor whispered to Jessica. 

“Don’t worry I don’t bite, the names Brenda.”

They meet Brenda and Jorge who lead a dangerous group of survivors. Brenda and Jorge learn that Thomas and his group had come from WCKD and are looking for the right arm they agree to take them to them. 

Moments later WCKD arrives and storms the place but Jorge’s bombs go off and the facility is destroyed. Taylor and Thomas split up. Taylor ends up with Jorge’s group while Brenda and Thomas are left behind. 

Thomas P.O.V.

Thomas and Brenda escape the cranks but Brenda gets infected by one. Thomas gets another flashback and remembers when he was working for WCKD. He tried to warn Teresa and Taylor about WCKD’s plans but they were all separated by WCKD’s troops. 

Thomas ends up kissing Brenda but as he is kissing her he thinks of...”Taylor.” he breathes out. 

“What,” Brenda asks as she stand back. 

“You are not her.” Thomas wanted that kiss to be Taylor. That was it, he knew he was in love with Taylor. 

Thomas P.O.V. end

Thoma and Brenda meet up with Taylor and the rest of the group again. Taylor runs to hug Thomas and puts her hands on his cheek, “oh my god. I thought something terrible happened to you.”

Thomas grins and puts his hands on her cheeks, “I’m fine, along with the help of her.” He points to Brenda and Taylor’s heart almost shatters. She can see something, some type of affection going on between the two. 

Taylor nods her head while putting up a fake smiles, “oh thats good. I’m glad you both made it out safely.” She puts her hands down and walks away. First she had to deal with Teresa now Brenda. She clenched her fist knowing how this ends. It will end with either beautiful girls getting the guy and Taylor getting no one. With big girls thats how it always ends. 

Jessica finds Taylor sitting away from the group. “Hey Tay Tay, whats wrong girl?”

Taylor just shrugs, “I know Thomas so well already.”

“What?” Jessica asks as she sits beside her. 

“I feel like I’ve known Thomas, like I’ve known him forever...Jess...I’m in love with Thomas.”

“Oh shi*,” Jessica mutters. 

“Yeah, oh shi* is right and I know he either likes Teresa or Brenda way more than fat old me.”

“Don’t say those things,” Jessica puts her arm over Taylor’s shoulder. “You are way more than that you hear? So what if you got a little junk in the trunk you are special Taylor. You did what other big girls no, what other girls think is impossible. You escaped that maze you escaped WCKD you did so many incredible things. You are kind and sweet but ooh but do you have sass! If Thomas cannot see all the amazing things I see or for who you really are than girl, he is not meant for you. You are a diamond in the rough sand paper sand.” Jessica picks up a pile of sand and this makes them both laugh. 

(not my gif! do not own)

“Thanks sis, I needed that,” Jessica helps Taylor stand up and they both embrace. 

“What a beautiful embrace, are we celebrating cause we’re not dead ladies?” Minho jokes, waiting patiently for the two of them. 

“Can I get some of that action?” Frypan chuckles as he playfully hits Minho like am I right?

The two side eye them, “No boys were are celebrating us big women...we can do anything, and that boys is a fact.” Taylor and Jessica walk hand in hand back to the group. 

Jorge interrogates Marcus, a survivor works for WCKD, into revealing the whereabouts of The Right Arm.

The group goes and finds their way arrive at the right arm relief camps. There are other survivors there and they are greeted by a man named Vince. He is the leader and decides if Thomas’s group can stay or not. 

Brenda’s infection worsens and Vince threatens to shoot her. But a former scientist that worked for WCKD stops Vince. “Hello Thomas and hello to you too Taylor.”

“You know me?” Thomas asks the stranger. 

Taylor’s face becomes of confusion, “wait how do you know us?”

“Interesting...it makes sense they put you two in the maze.”

“Thomas, what is she talking about?” Taylor raises her brow. Thomas knows and he looks away. “How does she know who I am? How does she know I was in the maze?” Taylor tries to look into his eyes but he looks away, almost ashamed. “Anybody?” When she looks at the others they too are not looking at her. Jessica pats Taylor’s shoulder. 

“Though I must admit,” the scientist kept going. “I was worried they’d kill ya after what you did.”

“After what you did, Thomas what does she mean?” At this point Taylor was getting furious, she felt like she was invisible. The stranger went to Brenda and tended to her. But she could see that Taylor and Thomas were both searching for answers. 

“What I did?” Thomas asked. 

“The first time we spoke you said you couldn’t take it no more. Watching your friends die one by one. The last time we spoke you gave me the coordinates of every WCKD compound, trial, and lab.”

“He was our source,” said Vince. 

“They couldn’t have pulled this off without him,” the scientist praised Thomas. “Take her [Brenda] to the tent. Get these guys some warm clothes.” They carried Brenda away. As Taylor went to ask Thomas what happened she saw the glances Teresa kept giving Thomas. 

Jessica saw that Taylor’s face was of anger so she placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “hey you think you’re gonna be alright?”

Taylor looked into her brown, haze eyes and nodded, “you know me Jess...I’m always alright.”

Jessica smiled and left her. Taylor grabbed harshly both Thomas and Teresa behind one of the tents. “What the hel* was all that back there?” Taylor shouted as anger entered into her. 

“Please Tay, let me explain.” Thomas tried to calm her, putting both his hands on her shoulders. 

“Please, make it quick. Why was she talking about us like she knew us? And you kept giving Teresa a look?”

Teresa looked down and then at Taylor, “Back then before the maze, you had worked for WCKD...”

Taylor’s face became of sadness and disbelief, “no thats not true. That can’t be-”

“It is Taylor,” Thomas whispered as he grabbed her hands. “Before the maze, you, Teresa, and me we all worked for the maze. Sticking our friends in a death maze, we did that. We worked for them. I went, when we were still working for them, to you two and tried to warn you both about WCKD but we were all separated, you were first Taylor, you were first to be put in the maze. Also, when we were working for them me and you were very close to each other...Where do you think you got that necklace?”

Taylor peers down to her chest and sees the necklace, her eyes start to water. Thats why the first time she saw Thomas she felt like she knew him. “You knew all this time and din’t think to tell me? You told her, my story, to her, and not even to me! Why would you keep something like that from me, Thomas?”

Thomas felt ashamed and guilty, “I don’t know Tay, I just-”

“He wanted to protect you,” Teresa butted in. Taylor pointed a finger at Teresa, “I don’t want to be rude, but you better but out right now or so help me god.”

Teresa walked up to Taylor, face to face, body to body, “Or what, Tay? What are you really gonna do to me? Thomas was just trying to protect you, if you really cared about his friendship then you would forgive him and you would accept the decision he made. 

“Yeah Teresa you’re are forgetting one thing, who was the first to be in that maze between us? Who had to live every breathing moment in there with just herself as the only female, and who had to accept that she may never see her family again because she doesn’t even know her history? That information was mine, Teresa, I should have, no, I needed to know that. So protect your boyfriend or your crush but nothing you say will make it better that he kept my life from me.” Taylor pushed Teresa to Thomas and went to go find Jessica. 

The scientist woman comes to Thomas and tells him he needs to give his blood. The scientists lady is Mary Cooper. As Mary halts Brenda's infection using an enzyme cure, Mary explains that the enzyme can only be harvested from an Immune's body, not manufactured, and that arguments over the methods of manufacturing the cure with Ava lead Mary's departure from WCKD.

After the argument they all had and Thomas helped Brenda Taylor saw Teresa climb these rocks. Taylor felt more angry when she saw Thomas climbing them to get to her, to see whats wrong with her. Taylor went and followed them to eaves drop on their conversation. 

“You okay?” Thomas questioned as he made it to the top and looked at Teresa. Taylor was hidden behind one of the boulder listening. “What are you doing up here?”

“Just thinking.”

“Well I’ll let you be alone.”

“Do you remember your mother?”

“Uh, I think so,” Thomas thought for a while on that question. 

“You remember mine? She’s a beautiful woman. Every body loved her, before WCKD she was all I had. When she got sick, I didn’t know what to do. They just kept her locked up, hidden. I thought she’d get better. Every night she’d make these awful sounds, like screaming. And then one night she just, stopped. It was finally quiet. I went down to her room, there was blood everywhere. And she just sat there calm. She said she was feeling better. The visions were calm, she’d taken care of them. She took her eyes out Thomas. There are millions of people suffering out there. Millions of stories just like mine. We can’t turn our backs on them. I won’t. 

Taylor’s mouth opened in shock, “please no please no.”

“What are you saying?” Thomas hoped she was talking nonsense, he hoped she did not do the thing that they were all running away from. 

“I’m saying I want you to understand.”

“Understand what?”

“Why I did it.”

In the distance there are helicopters and Taylor’s heart sinks, “oh my god they’re here.”

“Teresa...”

“Please don’t fight them Thomas.”

“What are you doing? What have you done?”

Thomas runs down and Taylor sprints in front of his path, “this way Thomas.” Even though Taylor was mad at him still she needed to protect him, she needed to protect her friends. She grabbed onto his hand and they both ran to the others to warn them, but they were too late. The helicopter shot a explosive and the camps blew up, “No!” They both scream in unison. 

There was an ambush by WCKD. As some warned others, other were dead. 

“Tay!” A high pitched scream came out as Taylor looked around she saw Jessica run to her. “Oh my god I thought they got you too.” They both hugged and tried to run away. But there were so many of the WCKD that Taylor knew she had to do something. “Jessica, listen to me, be careful.” Taylor whispered the words to her as she pushed Jessica to Thomas and stood next to Minho. 

“Go guys we got this!” Minho says as he and Taylor start shooting. 

“No, guys come back here,” Thomas shouts over the commotion. They all hide behind a couple of boxes. Just as Minho is re-loading his gun WCKD shoot a device on him that makes his still. 

“Minho!” Thomas screams as Jessica and Newt pull him back. 

“No!!!!” Taylor shouts as she starts shooting uncontrollably but someone from WCKD comes behind her and hits her with the back of their gun, making her fall down and they put the device on her. 

“Taylor!” Thomas and Jessica scream. Jessica gets up and, without any weapons tries to fight WCKD but they shoot her in the stomach. 

“NO!!!” Taylor screams at the top of her lungs. Her heart just breaking. She starts to sob as she tries to crawl to her friend. “Oh my god oh my god,” was all she could say. 

“Its okay Tay Tay, its okay. I’m sorry, I just tried.” Blood spilled and poured from her mouth and her breathing stopped. “No please no Jess, c’mon Jess please Jess. Please don’t go Jess!” Taylor shouted as she held onto her but WCKD dragged Taylor away from the body, her screams so high pitched it hurt anybodies ears. “Please don’t please, Jess!

“Tay, Minho,” Thomas shouted as he tried to get to her and him. But Vince stopped him. Thomas was crying as he looked at Taylor getting taken by WCKD. Taylor felt like her life was gone and she was already dead. As Taylor went inside the helicopter she was greeted by Ava Paige’s presence, Dr. Paige looked beyond and saw the survivors, she saw Thomas. With an evil eye she glared at him. 

Thomas P.O.V.

The whole place is a disaster. Everything is ruined. Most of the tents were burned up and the survivors are looking for any materials or items that they could save. 

“What do we do now?” Asks Frypan as he looks to the distance, trying to collect himself. 

“I would pick up whats left of us.” Scans Vince as he tries to see if there are others. “Stick to the plan, we take you kids to the safe haven. And we start over I guess.”

Thomas shakes his head and stand up, putting his backpack on. “I’m not going with you.”

Vince looks surprised, “What?”

“I made a promise to Minho and Taylor, I promised that I would protect her. Now she’s probably stuck somewhere scared, afraid, I mean she just saw her best friend die, right in front of her eyes. She means the world to me Vince, I can’t forget about them...I can’t ever forget about her. I have to go after them. ”

“Hey kid look around you,” Vince said, spreading his arms. “A’ight, WCKD just kicked our as*. Think about where you’re headed.”

 “I’m not asking anyone to come with me.”

“Thomas listen to me,” Newt motions to him, caring about his friend. “I’ve known Minho and Taylor for...for as long as I can remember. So if there’s any way we could help, trust me I would be standing there next to you. This what you’re talking about, is impossible.”

Jorge and Brenda appear and Jorge says, “more like suicide.”

“Maybe,” Thomas shrugs. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. It’s not just about Taylor and Minho. Its about all of us. Its about everyone WCKD’s ever taken, everyone they will take. They’ll never stop, they’ll never stop. So I’m gonna stop them. I’m gonna rescue Taylor...and I’m gonna kill Ava Paige.”

Everyone looks at each other rethinking the situation. Harriet speaks up, “I have to admit, I’d like some revenge.”

Vince sees the expression of everyone and decides to just give in and help, “wow its a good speech kid, so whats your plan?” Everyone looks to Thomas for answers. 

Thomas P.O.V. end

“Hey Minho, Minho...,” Taylor shook the boy as they were in the train to who knows where. “You hear the birds?” Minho from all the torture was already being a totally different person. Taylor wanted to lift his spirits, but on the inside she felt empty and had no hope of being saved. Minho searches for the noise Taylor was talking about and then he does hear it all of a sudden, he turns around to see Taylor copying the noise of a birds chirping. She smiles at the end and makes Minho laugh. 

As she is standing there, all their hands tied by chains, Taylor sat next to Minho. Taylor coughs a little and then starts singing, “I thought I heard the old man say; leave her Johnny leave her. Tomorrow you will get your pay; and it's time for us to leave her.” Music was such an important aspect in her life, it made her feel happy and made her feel as if she could fly. “Leave her, Johnny, leave her! Oh, leave her, Johnny, leave her! For the voyage is long and the winds don't blow. And it's time for us to leave her.” As she sang the last note she looked around to see the other kids there and Minho smiling. “You have a beautiful voice Tay,” Minho chuckled, nudging you. “Wait do you hear that?”

Taylor’s eyes search up and her head turns in his direction. It was the sound of a running car. “Yeah I do!”

Moments later there are footsteps heard up ahead on the trains roof. Taylor and Minho smile at each other, hopeful. 

Then the train starts to stop, Taylor and Minho falling forward from the harsh movement. Then a familiar voice is calling out, the others on the train are excited and start screaming for them to be rescued. 

“Taylor! Taylor! Minho!” The voice calls out to them two. They look at each other and answer with a crying yes. But are never rescued, they are instead taken back to WCKD to be tortured more. 

By many doctors Taylor is put in this machine that hooks up to her head. “Please no, not again, please.” They don’t listen to her and strap her in. 

The ocean, the waves calming and relaxing. Taylor is sitting right atop a rock, enjoying a book. In the distance she sees the maze. Her heart starts to beat quickly and she starts to panic. She hates this feeling. Her hands start to tremble. As she looks down in her book the pages start to be covered in blood. Taylor covers her mouth in disgust and tries to throw the book away but it keep landing back on her lap. Then the blood starts to make words. “They are coming for him.”

“Who’s him?” Before she could react a wave crashes on her and brings her in the ocean. She is drowning but then all of a sudden she is in a cell. It is dark, very dark and it is wet and smells horrific. “What the hel*?” Next to Taylor in the cell is Jessica’s dead body, lying there her corpse. Taylor starts to break down and she sobs as she sees her best friend dead. “Oh my god!” But then she hears...it. A griever pops out and tries to get to Taylor but Taylor is separated by the cell. As she is backing away she hears a voice. “Taylor! Taylor!”

“Thomas?” She screams and Thomas meets her, “I’m gonna get you out okay? I will protect you.”

Thomas starts to fight off the griever, by himself and Taylor starts to scream, “No Thomas I need to protect you!” Then Thomas gets stung by the Griever and the griever rips Thomas head off. Horrified Taylor screams on the top of her lungs. 

Taylor hooked to that machine makes her see these things. She screams when nothing is really there in reality with her. The doctors check her eyes and see she has spaced out, she is out of it. She becomes almost brain dead. 

Only a few times does Taylor see Minho and every time she does he is getting worse and worse. She feels so bad for him. Taylor has tried to escape and tried but it never is successful. 

She sleeps in a cold cell, thinking about her friends and about the stars. How much those starts mean to her. She is mostly out of it from all the torture. She is being scarred for life. She lays there until WCKD arrive to bring her to another torture test or to check her vitals. 

As WCKD takes her to a medical room Taylor sees from the side of her eye Minho beating up Teresa. “That bitc*” Taylor mutters under her breath as she sees Teresa got away and they had to hold Minho down. Taylor chuckles, “thats my boy.”

Teresa makes it out but is scared when she sees Taylor, “you traitor!” Taylor gets out of WCKD’s grasp and makes a run for Teresa. Taylor kicks Teresa and knees her in the stomach. Teresa is on the ground, coughing up and hurting. “Yeah feel that, now imagine that 100 times worse.” Taylor lifts Teresa’s face by her hair so Taylor can see her better. “Thats how it felt when you took everything I loved away from me.” Teresa is crying and they pull Taylor back. “I won’t let you do that to Minho. I wont!”

Taylor was taken to be tortured again. Her hands in cuffs as if she were a prisoner. Suddenly, the alarm started to blare. The sirens turning on an alarming WCKD that something is wrong. They still took her into the room and went to hook her up. 

Minho P.O.V.

As Minho escaped the medical room where they were going to sedate him he met up with Thomas and Newt. 

“Minho,” Thomas said, sounding relieved. 

Minho looked to Newt and Thomas, “is this real?” They all smile but then Minho realizes Taylor is about to get tortured now. “Guys Tay’s in trouble, we need to go save her. I know where she is!”

Minho P.O.V. end

They hooked up all the wires to her brain and they were about to start it when there was a loud bang almost outside the door. All the WCKD doctors were scared, alarmed. One stood up and went to go see what the commotion was. There was another bang and then footsteps. Thomas, Newt, and Minho appeared in Taylor’s room and shot everyone there. A female doctor was about to press the button to put Taylor into that machine but Thomas shot her. 

“Oh my god!” Taylor screamed, strapped to her chair. “I can’t believe its you guys!”

Thomas, quickly, unstrapped Taylor and then picked her up so she was standing right in front of him. He felt his heart beating fast, he felt so happy to see Taylor. Here she was living, breathing, right in front of him. It was like a miracle. He sees though the bangs under her eyes and how she looks drained, tired. “Oh my god Tay, what did they do to you?”

Taylor started to cry but out of joy and happiness that she was saved, “they tortured me. They,” her cries were sobs now. “They made me believe that it was you, Thomas. You were killed and that to me was the worst torture.” Thomas puts hugs Taylor and puts his hands on her cheek. His face showing worry and sadness that Taylor had to go through that. “Its the worst torture to me because I couldn’t protect you Thomas, I couldn’t save you.” Taylor’s blue eyes looked up to Thomas’s brown ones and Thomas just went for it. 

Thomas leaned in, passionately to kiss Taylor. He brought her closer to him. He put his hands all over her curves not caring about them, just loving the girl for who she is and thinking she is the most beautiful woman on the earth. They both closed their eyes in the kiss and it was hard and passionate, his tongue slipping inside just for a minute. Just to have one taste of her. It was full of love. 

(not my gif! do not own)

Both their foreheads rested on each others and they smiled, “I love you so much Taylor.”

“I love you more, Thomas. I need to say I’m sorry for getting so angry with you not telling me about my past. I get why you did it, you were trying to protect me.” She steps closer to Thomas and takes a hold of his hands while Thomas kisses her lips and forehead. “Its okay Tay, I’m sorry for keeping that away from you. I felt so scared and not sure when WCKD had taken you. You mean so much to me, not Teresa, not Brenda, you.”

Taylor kisses his lips again and sees the boys face in the back. Newt is so over it, rolling his eyes. And Minho looks as if he’s gonna throw up. 

“Are you guys like done. We kinda have to get out of here,” Minho broke the silence. 

Taylor and Thomas chuckle, “wow they are just, wow.”

Taylor nodded, “I know, way to ruin the moment guys!”

Newt rubs his temple, “If I have to see one more kiss I may just leave on my own.” He chuckles at the end. 

Taylor and Thomas laugh and they grab hands and make a run for it. 

As they run they meet some folks from WCKD and they run into a random room. Thomas locks the door. There is someone banging the door from outside, this scares Taylor and she holds onto Thomas for support. “Don’t worry Tay, I got you. I won’t let anything bad happen to you again.”

“Newt c’mon,” Minho goes to a cart and places it in front of the door. 

“Um Thomas, what do we do?” Taylor asks as she sees the huge window in the room. Every one is trying to think of a plan but WCKD  already is using a blade to try to pry the door open. 

“Any ideas?” Minho questions. 

Thomas looks at the window and then back at the group, “maybe.”

“Oh hel* no! You do realize how thick I am, I’m gonna be the first one down there and then you guys will come afterwords and use me as a soft landing.” They all look at Taylor as she said that and she just waves them away, “never mind.”

Every one helps getting a tank through the window. It falls to the water down below. 

“Okay its doable. Just need a little running start.” Thomas says as he goes back. 

“Oh my god are we serious about this? Is he serious? What if that water is shallow, we’ll die Thomas!” Taylor tries to reason with him, her heart thumping out of her chest. They all go next to Thomas, Taylor holding his hand to feel more comforted even though she felt so terrified. 

“You sure about this?” Minho asks, scared. 

Thomas looks at Taylor and shakes his head, “not really.”

Minho rolls his eyes, “nice pep talk.”

“Yeah, I’m bloody inspired.” Newt says too. 

“Ugh we’re gonna have to do it,” Taylor cracks her neck and is prepared, putting on her game face. But the door flies open and Janson comes through, angry. “Fuc* it!” Taylor says as the group runs forward. 

They all jump and through the jump Taylor’s hand is holding Thomas’s. Some one screamed Thomas name and then someone cursed. Taylor just screamed so loud the whole way down. 

As the group is running through the last city they are met up with, “Gally?”

Gally sees Taylor and chuckles, “hey Tay, its nice to-”

Taylor runs to him and punches his all over but Thomas pulls her away, “why are we with this guy? He’s a traitor! He killed Chuck!”

“I know Tay, I know. He’s on our side now. He saved us.” Thomas brings her back and tries to control her. 

“Also Gally was stung and out of his mind when he did that,” Newt said as he put a reassuring arm around her. 

Taylor still feels like she wants to kill Gally, “how the hel* did you survive anyways?”

“I was saved, treated and now I’m helping you guys. Like I said, its nice to see you again Tay.”

“Yeah well I wish I could say the same thing.” Taylor answers back sassy. “What happened here?” 

Explosives go off, there is fire and terror every where. People are screaming, violent. Its like the end of the world it seems to Taylor’s eyes. 

 Then Taylor hears harsh breathing coming from Newt. “Newt?”

Newt sends Minho and Gally away, also wanting Taylor to go. “No, I’m not going anywhere. Thomas, whats wrong with him?” 

Thomas looks down, sad and Taylor’s heart almost drops. “No he can’t no.”

“I do Tay. I have it.” Newt says in an almost reassuring voice. His lips turning black like if they were goop. Alarming Taylor and Thomas that they need to figure out something quick. As Newt is struggling he hands Thomas a silver pendant. Taylor and Thomas assist Newt in walking to a safer place and they end up to an empty area where Newt passes out. 

All of a sudden Teresa’s voice is heard through out the whole city. She explains that Thomas, with his blood, can save Newt if he comes back to WCKD.

Thomas has tears in his eyes and so does Taylor but Newt stands up. Awkwardly like he isn’t himself. 

“Newt?” Thomas says, trying to sound gentle. 

Taylor’s heart was going so fast. She felt that she already knew but she didn’t want to believe it. “Newt, we’re here buddy. We are here for you, shank.”

Newt turns around and Taylor already knew, he had become one of them. Newt looks directly at Thomas, “Newt.”

Saliva coming out of Newt’s mouth and looking like a total different...thing, he charges towards Thomas. Thomas pushes him away making him fall on the floor but he gets back up. 

“Newt its me, its me!” Thomas tries to tell Newt but Newt is not the same person anymore. 

“Newt we wont hurt you!” Taylor tries to get into his head. She pulls Newt away from Thomas throwing him on the floor. Newt tackles Thomas and with the forces of Taylor’s strength and Thomas’s they roll him away. Newt gets up and jumps on Taylor and almost bites her. “Thomas help! Newt stop please! Its me, Taylor!” She is screaming as his mouth is almost a few spaces away from her face. Thomas kicks Newt and Newt falls on his back on the floor. Thomas helps Taylor stand and as they get up Newt utters for them to kill him. 

Newt, again tackles Thomas and Taylor tries to get him off but Newt is too strong. As Thomas utter his name Newt stops. “I’m sorry Tommy, I’m sorry Tommy.”

“Its okay, its okay,” Thomas smiles at Newt. Newt then grabs Thomas’s gun and tries to shoot himself in the head. Taylor quickly grabs the gun away from him. “No!”

Newt grabs his knife and tries to stab Thomas. Thomas struggles to keep the blade from intruding his chest so Taylor puts her hands on the blade to stop him. Her hands are getting cut, slicing through soft skin. Taylor winces at the pain and notices blood dripping from her hands on Thomas’s shirt. The shirt soaking up the crimson liquid. “Please Newt stop.” Taylor pushes Newt off with Thomas punching him in the face. 

As Newt and Thomas fight, Newt trying to stab Thomas they meet up together. Taylor hears the knife slicing through and starts to cry. It didn’t matter who it stabbed, it wasn’t like she cared more for one and not the other. She cared for both of them so much. “Newt, Thomas...” She muttered as she started to sob. 

They hold on more to each other and as they part the knife went into Newt’s chest. “No! No! There has to be so way, please no, please!” Taylor is panicking at this moment, she is uncontrollably sobbing. Her heart breaking more as if that were possible. “No Newt, not my Newt.” 

“Tommy...” Newt whispers, as himself. He falls down but Thomas catches him so his fall would be less painful. “Tay...”

Taylor was right beside him, holding his hands and looking into his eyes. Brushing his honey golden strands back. 

Taylor then remembers the things her and Newt did. Its like a whole book she thinks of. She spent so many years with him she felt not herself. She remembers when they would garden together. Newt would pretend that the carrots were his teeth and do funny faces with them. Taylor would throw dirt on him and say if he were to grow into a flower, he would be the most beautiful flower out there. Whenever Taylor would feel sad or sick, Newt was there for her. Cuddling with her, taking care of her, worrying about her. All those times worrying, when she wanted him to have a great life. Whenever Taylor felt self conscious Newt would always say, “don’t think about those bloody thoughts love, to me you are perfectly splendid in every way.” Then he would end it off with his charming smile. One time Taylor drew a portrait of himself, resting against the tree, so peaceful. Newt smiled and was shocked, calling Taylor the most creative person in the world. “You got my good side also,” he would chuckle with a wink. The most fondest memory Taylor has of her and Newt is that they both would rest and lay upon the tall blades of grass. Laying next to each other but Newt was laying up and Taylor was laying down. Their heads were next to each other. Taylor would sing to Newt, making Newt feel at peace. He always liked her singing. Then would it would come of night Taylor would read the stars and tell him, “I see big things, for the both of us. Our lives will change Newt, you’ll see.” Then she would ask Newt, “if we did make it out of here Newt...where would you go?” Newt would take a while and Taylor would smile, “I’d love to go to the ocean, full of water and...stuff. Who knows?” Newt would look directly into Taylor’s eyes and nod, “I would go anywhere, as long as its with you.” Taylor would grin and give him a huge bear hug. “Don’t worry shank, we’ll get there. We’ll always get there and when we do, we’ll do it Newt, together.”

Taylor cried as she looked at Newt’s dying form. She collected herself and looked directly into his eyes, clasping him hand and running her finger through his hair. As the wind howls low in the night Taylor breathes in and out, (this song is called rainbow by kacey musgraves)  “Oh tie up your bow, take off your coat and take a look around ” She starts singing, knowing Newt would love to hear the peaceful melody. His breathing starts to relax and he smiles, looking directly into her ocean blue eyes. He can’t utter a word but Taylor knows what he would say, “thats bloody good mate” or “wow Tay, to hear that come out of you is amazing, its like everything is possible.” 

“Tay..” Thomas whispers, tears coming out more. The lyrics mean something so important to Taylor. Thomas nods and knows Newt, no, Newt deserves to go away peacefully. 

“Everything is alright now” Taylor sings to him telling him he can let go, he can go now that they will be alright and he does not have to suffer or worry no more. 

The lyrics mean to Taylor so much. This song is for Winston, Jessica...Chuck. All those who passed away for fighting for something they believed in. 

“'Cause the sky is finally open, the rain and wind stopped blowin' But you're stuck out in the same old storm again” Taylor means as she makes up the lyrics as she goes that the sky is opening to welcome Newt, so Newt can see his friends Newt can see Winsont, Jessica, and Chuck. He can play with them and tell them jokes and use his beautiful accent. Taylor starts to shed some more tears knowing she’ll never get to hear Newt say her name again, she’ll never hear his little comments about anything any more. She struggles to sing the other lines but she does it knowing they are important to Newt. 

“Let go of your umbrella, darlin' I'm just tryin' to tell ya That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head Yeah there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head” The umbrella means for Newt to let go, thats its okay for Newt to die. But the rainbow part means that his friends his family were always there for him and they will always be there for him and that they will always remember him. Then he’ll get to see so many rainbows where he’s going, he’ll get to play with them and be himself. 

As Newt gives his last breath Taylor sings the last part, “It all be alright” Newt dies with his eyes open and Taylor closes them and kisses his cheek. “We’re gonna miss you Newt. Have fun my darling Newt...” Taylor and Thomas hug as they sob together. Brenda arrives but she is too late. 

Thomas and Taylor go to WCKD and confront Ava. She keeps insisting that their ways are good. She is then killed by Janson who is infected. As Janson knocks Thomas out Taylor runs away and hides, following them. He takes Thomas to a lab where Teresa is ready to extract his blood. Janson tells though that he and WCKD are only truly interested in curing those whom they please, which results in Teresa turning on him. 

Thomas and Janson fight, making Taylor follow them. Teresa sees Taylor and they look at each other knowing they have to save Thomas. They are all stuck in one room together. Thomas sees that Janson shot him in the gut. Taylor goes to Thomas and kisses his forehead telling him, “we’re gonna help.” Her and Teresa come up with a plan to distract Janson. As Teresa takes charge of the plan and Taylor goes to Thomas to help him out, Janson almost kills Teresa but Taylor and Thomas throw a chair into a lane of glass, releasing two turned workers. Those things kill Janson and with Taylor and Teresa assisting Thomas make it to the rooftop. The aircraft by Jorge and Vince await them there. Thomas helps Taylor get on board first and then Thomas leaving Teresa last. Teresa is about to get on with Taylor’s help as the building collapses, “no!” Taylor and Thomas scream as Taylor tries to grasp Teresa’s hand. Teresa falls to her death. 

The group reunites with the immune and the right arm. They arrive at a safe haven that was revealed by Ava. Its where the rest of the population can live safely. 

That night as Taylor sits by the ocean she feels a paper in her pocket. “What in the world?” She takes it out and unfold it revealing to be the picture that Taylor drew of Newt. “He kept it all this time?” Taylor whispered to herself as tears started to come out. She sees her drawing and as she turns it over she sees that Newt drew her a picture, its of them laying in the tall green grass, smiling and holding hands There is a note there and it says, “To my beautiful friend, you have made my life the best, you have made me feel nothing else but joy. For that I want you to live your life, go anywhere and start your adventures. Remember how I said I would go anywhere with you, well its still true. Wherever you are at this moment, I am there with you, you may not see it but its true. So have fun my beautiful Tay, thank you for having my back and for making me feel like I can do anything. You deserve all the best, I am so proud of you Taylor. Also, you were always my rainbow hanging over my head.” Taylor kissed the letter and dried her tears. “Thank you Newt,” she whispers as the waves crash lightly in the sand and the sun begins to go down.

Taylor goes to where they are carving the names of those who they lost and she pats Minho’s shoulder as he carves out Newt’s name. Taylor kisses her fingers and pats his name, she does the same when she sees Chuck’s and Winston’s name. She grabs the carving tools herself and carves out Jessica’s name, smiling when she finishes it. 

Taylor goes to the group of the others and hugs them, hugging Minho, Frypan, Brenda, even Gally. “I wanted to say, thank you for all that you have done, Gally. I forgive you.” She pats Gally and Gally thanks her. “And I know Chuck forgives you as well.” Taylor says as she smiles. She takes her seat next to Brenda and Thomas arrives hugging everyone. Thomas sits next to Taylor and Taylor grabs his hand kissing it. Thomas smiles and kisses her on the lips. 

He then kisses her forehead and whispers, “I love you so much Tay.”

Taylor chuckles and laces her fingers with his, “I love you more...my Thomas.”

20 Years from that

“Mommy, mommy, c’mon lets go see the fishies,” Taylor’s son called out to Taylor as she ran to him. Standing by the ocean was her husband, Thomas smiling. The others were there as well, there kids present. 

“Wait up Newt! Mommy can’t go that fast!” Taylor chuckled as she ran to grasp her son’s hand and then her husbands. As they walk in the sunset the breeze is nice and cool and Taylor places a hand on her stomach, “I can’t wait to see you soon Chuck, mommy’s excited.” Thomas kisses his son and kisses her stomach and her forehead. “Daddy’s excited too, c’mon lets go see the ocean, I think there’s also a rainbow there.”

Taylor smiles and her family, the family that means everything to her, they walk away going on with more discoveries and more loving adventures. 

Tag list: @harrington-lover, @angelgl16, @perfectlybeautifulsuit, @hyehoney, @wtfisalltherandoms, @haven-prelude (wont let me tag), @leasly, @totally-alexa21, @creamy-pasta-boi, @multireese, @fanfictionrecommendations-com, @prentisskelley, @malereaderforkpop (wont let me tag), @guardian-of-cookies, @justafangirl-97, @teenageshitposts (wont let me tag), @andreaoreas, @dippergravity (wont let me tag), @some-booty, @fromfoolishpeopletodeadpeople, @collectiveyou

wanna be tagged in my crap? comment!

[katsvra]

Tagged by @ryuzakki ​ thank you so much anthea <33

tagging: @kuruisu, @lovekuramas, @ocarinnas @kishitan-iis @usagiyamah @haru-kaas

rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 15 people

LAST

1. drink - green tea !

2. 📱 call -  my mom 

3. text - a friend texting to ask about concert merch 

4. song you listened to - idk the name of the song but its the yakuza 0 soundtrack

5. time you 😢 - yesterday tbh 

HAVE YOU EVER

6. dated someone twice - never even dated anyone once lmao 

7. 😘 someone and regretted it - never kissed anyone either

8. been cheated on - nope

9. lost someone special - yes, when i was quite young

10. been depressed - yeah 

11. gotten drunk and thrown up - never thrown up after drinking 

FAVORITE COLORS

12. (pastel) pink !! 

13. purple

14. blue

15. yellow ! 

in the last year have you

16. made new friends - yes  !! 

17. fallen out of 💛 - nope nope

18. 😂 until you 😢 - yes i have !! ive got some funny friends :’) 

19. found out someone was talking about you - nope but im sure people are 

20. met someone who changed you - um i didnt meet anyone knew but i got closer to some people who changed me!

21. found out who your friends are - not really 

22. 😘 someone on your facebook friends list - nope nope 

GENERAL

23. how many friends from your fb friends list do you know irl - all of them except tania and joanne

24. do you have any pets - i have a hamster named beanu ! 

25. do you want to change your middle name - not really, its my chinese name and i quite like it c: 

26. what did you do for your last 🎂 - i thought we were throwing a surprise party for my friend but when i showed up, it turns out they were all throwing a surprise party for me and it was super sweet :’) we ended up going for korean bbq  and karaoke ! 

27. what time did you wake up today - 12pm /sweats

28. what were you doing last night at midnight - working on my midterm notes 

29. what is something you can’t wait for - MARIANAS TRENCH CONCERT !! this wednesday!!!! i havent shut up about it for weeks !!!

30. what are you listening to right now - still the yakuza 0 soundtrack ! 

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom - i knew someone named tommy which i think is close enough

32. something that gets on your nerves - when people :)) are late :))) and they dont notify you that they will be late :)))) so you just sit there for an hour, not sure if they are actually going to show up :))))))) 

33. most visited website - twitter & youtube & probably my school website 

34. hair color - auburn ish with black roots now lol 

35. long hair or short hair - i have rlly long hir and i like it on me ! altho i think short hair is adorable in general

36. do you have a crush on someone - nope

37. what do you like about yourself - i like that i try to view things optimistically, that im decently good at art, that im a big dreamer 

38. want any piercings - i used to until i found out im allergic to whatever they make earrings etc out of

39. blood type - tbh they told me and i forgot

40. nicknames - carz, carmine, weeb, dumbass, sunshine (which is still???? the cutest??)

41. relationship status - nonexistent

42. zodiac - virgo

43. pronouns - she/her

44. favorite 📺 show - hmm i havent watched tv in a while but the first that come to mind are b99 and doctor who. also rosy business!!! and scarlet heart (the original chinese one) was rlly good!

45. tattoos - love it on others, not so much myself

46. right handed or left - right!

47. ever had surgery - i mean,,, not that i can remember? 

48. piercings - I mean pierced ears but they are closing so ?? 

49. sports - i love skiing, skating and rollerblading !!! basically i dont like team sport, i like sports where i can just enjoy being outside c: 

50. vacation - we are planning a trip to BANFF!!! and im so excited!!! BANFF is such a gorgeous park and its just one of my dreams to go hiking or canoeing there omg ;; ^ ;; 

51. trainers - ??? are these running shoes??? i wear them in the summer bc i walk a lot, not so much winter bc canada is freaking cold

MORE GENERAL

52. eating - just gum

53. drinking - green tea, its all i ever drink

54. i’m about to watch - nothing since i need to study (but realistically, im going to watch yu yu hakusho)

55. waiting for - the concert ! and also for my acceptance (or rejection) letters to come in

56. want - a degree that can actually get me a job lol

57. get married - let me actually get into a relationship first before i think about this lol

58. career - dream career? field ecologist or working in a sanctuary or really anything environmental. realistically? teacher or nurse

WHICH IS BETTER

59. kisses or hugs - hugs def

60. 👄 or eyes - eyes

61. shorter or taller - taller

62. older or younger - older, im already immature enough for the both of us

63. nice arms or stomach - ?? neither tbh

64. hookup or relationship - relationship

65. troublemaker or hesitant - a bit of both !

HAVE YOU EVER

66. 😘 a stranger - nope, im literally the most boring person

67. drank hard liquor - yupp, actually more often than i should

68. lost glasses - yeah ^^;;

69. turned someone down - i think? in like elementary? 

70. sex on first date - nope

71. broken someone’s ❤️- maybe?? but like in elementary??? so does that even count lol

72. had your 💔 - not really but ive felt super betrayed by friends

73. been arrested - not yet 

74. 😢 when someone died - ,,,, yeah 

75. fallen for a friend - yes but she straight af so 

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

76. yourself - on good days ! 

77. miracles - not really

78. 💛 at first sight - with fictional characters maybe. irl? nah

79. 🎅 - lmao santa vixx maybe

80. 😘 on a first date - ?? idk let me go on a date first and ill get back to you eventually

81. angels - only friends sweet enough to be angels

other

82. best friend’s name - they all have unique names so let me use their nicknames: uma, sai, rita & veanu, what would i do without them :’( 

83. eye color - brown 

84. favorite movie - Lord of the Rings & Howl’s Moving Castle !!!! and a bunch of really old movies that im not gonna bother listing

85. favorite actor - i mean i really liked andy lau for a long time. and also wayne lai & sheren tang because i just ADORE rosy business. and ryan reynolds. always ryan reynolds. 

[randomoranges]

also i fervently demand more actor sitcom shenanigans

do you ever have very specific dialogue that just pops into your head and you’re like omg - this is gold

yeah.

part 5

Étienne wasalready considering signing any future contracts with this company if it meanthe could have real food on a dailybasis; today the canteen was serving realclam chowder with real seafood asthe soup of the day and there was lobstermac and cheese with honest to goodness realchunks of lobster and if this wasn’t the good life, then he wasn’t sure whatwas; Étienne was quite enjoying his lunch, listening to the others converse,when Antonio, one of the other actors, spoke to him – he had been eying himthroughout the entire meal, and it was a little unnerving, but Étienne hadmostly ignored him, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?” He asked – the conversationlulled around them as they turned his way to look at him, “I don’t know, maybe,I’ve played in a few things in the past,” Étienne answered cautiously, “Whatdid you play in?” Antonio asked – Étienne sighed and listed a few of his morerecent productions, but Antonio shook his head, “I’ve never heard of those,”Étienne tried naming some of his earlier works, but even those did not seem tospark any recognition.

“Drop it,Tony, you clearly never saw him before,” Someone else at the table said andÉtienne happily turned back to his soup, but Antonio wasn’t ready to let it go,“Wait!” He exclaimed, “Weren’t you that guy in Game of Thrusts? The porno? Didn’t you play the main character –the one who got fucked in the ass by The Mammoth, while he was screwing LadyAdelyn?” Étienne felt his face heat up for a fraction of a second, whileeveryone around the table now looked completely uncomfortable, someone cougheddiscreetly, while someone else told Antonio not to be rude, that no one wantedto hear about whatever weird fetish porn he was into and to leave the new guyalone – Étienne would have been ashamed, he would have been mortified, but thiswasn’t private knowledge – anyone who followed his career would know; it wasn’texactly his greatest work, and it wasn’t something he necessarily wanted toshare with his new colleagues on his first week at the job, but everyone was nowlooking at him, waiting for his reaction, “I was, actually, and last time I checked,there’s nothing wrong with earning honest wages for honest work – but, it’s alwaysa pleasure to meet a fan; you can contact my agent for an autograph, if youwant,” He said, throwing a dazzling smile to Antonio, who flushed deep red;there was an uncomfortable moment of silence, before someone sniggered andthen, it was followed by an eruption of laughter, “Jesus fuck, Tony, you got owned!” Someone at the other end of thetable said as the laughter grew into a loud roar; Étienne let out a breath hehadn’t realised he’d been holding and was glad no one seemed too appalled bythis news.

Luckily therest of lunch went by without further incident and Étienne was able to keep alow profile; he excused himself before the others, as he was legitimately doneeating and went out front for a smoke to calm his nerves, “I’m sorry aboutTony,” Someone said from behind him, interrupting his thoughts and startlinghim, he turned and was surprised to find Edward there, “Mind if I join?” Heasked, taking out his own pack of cigarettes – Étienne nodded and watched asEdward pulled out a cigarette and then lit it up, he followed it up to Edward’slips and watched him take a long drag, before he exhaled the smoke, “Tony’s agood guy… but a bit…. Much at times –I’m sorry if he made you feel uncomfortable,” Étienne shrugged and flicked someash to the ground, “It’s fine, that was by far the tamest reaction I’ve gottento my porn career – it’s always a little awkward when it’s one partner of thecouple who recognises me while the other partner seems to have some sort ofissue with their significant other watching porn…” They were quiet for a momentand Étienne found himself hoping Edward wasn’t one of those people who would judge him forever because he had dared workon a few alternative type of movies –he had consented to every scene and quite honestly, he had heard of worseexperiences, “So, it’s true then? You did porn?” Edward’s tone was careful,almost a little curious and Étienne wondered what that meant, “Yeah, I did, afew years back – honestly, Game ofThrusts is probably one of my tamer ones,” Edward nodded, as if absorbingthis information, “So… did you have, like, a porn star name or something?”Étienne laughed and was forever pleased when he noticed that Edward’s cheekshad coloured a nice shade of pink, “I didactually, why? Did you want to watch my old films? You know, for you, I’d bemore than glad to give you a liveperformance any time,” He winked at Edward and loved the way his colleague seemed even more flustered, “Just don’ttell Tony, eh? He might get jealous.”

——–

PREVIOUS: IV

CURRENT: V

NEXT: VI

[missjackil]

Learning About The Brothers

So far I have been very happy with Season 13. 4 Episodes in and I havent been disappointed yet, and pleasently surprised more than once.  One thing that I’m really enjoying, is the little hidden gem of learning new things about Sam and Dean. Not only about them, but often through the other.  Is there anyone amongst us who doesn’t love how close the brothers are? How they mimick each other unconsciously, or how they prefer personal space being respected by others but not from each other. Hell, most of the time, they could be wearing the same jacket! One thing I have loved through all the seasons, is how well they know each other, and this season has given us new information.  I loved Sam telling Jack about how Dean thinks. How Dean feels like its his job to protect everyone, how his wires get crossed in his mind between anger and fear and he lashes out. We may all have suspected this, but its never really been spoken, and now we know its true, and it’s great that Sam delivered it. It tells me that every time Dean has lashed out at Sam, Sam understood why, and though he rightfully doesn’t like it, he knows it doesnt mean he hates him. 

I loved in 13x4 what Ive suspected of Sam for a long time. Ive always had a head canon that Sam doesnt talk about what hes been through, especially concerning Hell, various tortures, and other trauma because if he does, it makes it real, and then he has to deal with it, and I wrote about it in this fic almost a year ago, so I was really excited when Dean spoke it into canon ( I was also concerned that maybe tptb read my fic :\ ) This also tells me that Dean knows this to be true of Sam, so not only does he know Sam has been through things he may never admit, he knows that Sam doesnt always keep things from Dean because he doesn’t trust him, but that he just doesnt want to deal.  We learned that Sam doesn’t feel like he has/had a relationship with his mother. Where I would argue that he did, and a relatively better one that Dean had in the last season, Sam, for whatever reason, doesn’t feel like he had one. This is reminiscent of when each brother has thought the other had a better relationship with Dad.  We learned that Dean will do anything in the world for Sam. I mean this isnt new, it’s been very obvious, but Dean has been gunnin for Jack for the last 3 weeks, and yet Sam talks him into bringing him on a hunt, by flashing those big ole puppydog eyes, and following through with a “For me” . OMG! The look on Dean’s face after that was priceless! I dont recall Sam ever throwing in a “for me” clause before, but I think he knew he needed an extra boost  I loved Dean telling Jack that Sam believes in him, and when Sam believes in something, “He’ll go to Hell for leather” which I dont know exactly what that means but Im sure it means, Sam doesnt give up, if he believes, no matter what.  I loved Dean appologizing to Sam, and telling him he needs for him to keep the faith. Dean can lose faith and hope in everything, but knows as long as Sam keeps believing, there is hope. Not unlike someone terrified of airplanes, they can panic and be scared to death, but as long as the pilot is relaxed and secure, there is hope. If you see the pilot panic... you’re pretty much screwed LOL but, this shows us that Dean needs Sam for more than someone to talk to, and someone to hunt with, we knew this, but it was so good to hear it spoken.  I hope this is a new trend. There’s so much about the brothers I want to know, and things I dont know I want to know until I learn it. 

[thricaxoxo]

My Transition.

...hope this helps someone. I've put a lot of thought into writing this and my transition.

I just started dressing full time for 2 weeks now. I had to build up the courage and strength for a long time before even considering it. It came about one day where enough was enough.

Previously, I had a harassment case at work, where someone was making comments about my gender and riding my ass (no pun intended) since I started working there. The very first person I came out to was my lead supervisor. He was very supportive about this issue. I let him know what was going on with me and he had to report it to my shift supervisor. He was supportive as well.

How my supervisors handeled this situation gave me the strength to know the time was right. I just had to have the courage, to deal with everything that will come after, once I make this choice. Now if you know me, I'm stubborn and once I set my mind to something, I don't give up. Now this shit right here: is a major choice. I mean there's no going back. It's either work or life suicide. There will be so much repercussions to a major choice like this.

I couldn't even get my head around it. I mean I'm passable and gone out before but to do it full time? You got this, I said. The hardest thing would be passable but what is passable? To me it was looking the best I could as a woman from head to toe. From everything I've learned and soaked in all my life, from observing every woman in my life, I felt confident in this department.

Shopping spree and acquiring everything needed was already done but it's never done right? There's just so many things I want to buy. I'm a bargain hunter on designer brands so at least I got taste. Expensive taste but hey why not? This girl deserves it. I can spoil me. I work hard for that money. Well, I've compiled plently of outfits, to not wear the same thing in a few weeks time twice. Just need more shoes! Omg, there are so many shoes I want. All that was left was getting the right make up and the last essentials.

I already had my belly button pierced and 2 piercing in both ears prior to coming out. I think this was the start of my transition... At least in my head it was when I started it. I had my tounge pierced already and my left ear but wanted to feel complete. I just had to acquire ear rings to go with my new outfits. This makes a difference in your beauty believe me. I guess the next thing on my list is a 3rd piercing in the ears and ho stamp here I come!

I'm not ready for tattoos yet. When I do I'm getting things that I would have been laughed at for having before. Such as butterflies. To me I'm transforming into something beautiful. This will be a way to express my transition from a caterpillar to a butterfly. My personal beauty that's inside that can finally shine because baby I'm a firework.

Well, I handeled that situation at work, but still had to continue on with the next step that i wanted to achieve. My transition.

I was thinking about this for so long. Reading everything I could about mtf transition. Re-reading everything I've read years before. I had so many questions. What do I say or how do I go about it? How do I tell my family? How do I tell my friends? Will any of the mentioned be left afterwards. God so much fear. So many worries. Not to mention how to tell the most important people to me my wife and sons.

With all these worries, I had nothing but time to think, at work and at home in my head always thinking about this. Consuming every minute of thoughts enough to make me burst in tears. Why now? I ask. I ended up trying to find out all the information I could on legalities of name changes. How to make it official as far as I can with everything I could think of. How to blend my past life with my new life. Work history, job skills, college experience, and anything else you could think about.

There's so much to plan out it can become overwhelming. There's so much to your transition, that you need to think about, to know what your getting yourself into. It costs so much to be a girly girl, diva, or supermodel.

-Just don't fool yourself. It may not be right for some. Mainly because your features may not be feminine enough. Hey, I know it hurts to hear, but for some it may not be achievable. You know I'm right. If I'm wrong then...

You can achieve it. Through all the steps in your transition you will become that woman you want to be. Just plan it out and what's not planned you'll learn along the way. Just trust in yourself. It's you that wants to change. Results may vary.

Don't think that you will get immediate results. It takes time. Rejoice in each change you see. Cry when you need to and have ice cream ready. I haven't cried so much lately I think I'm making up for all the years I haven't. And just think...I haven't even started estrogen!

Now just think, you will go thru another puberty, that lasts as long as what another female goes through. It may be 10 full years, that go by, when you look at yourself in the mirror and your not the same person as at the start of this journey.

Embrace it ladies and look back at the old you. See how far you've come and the many changes in your life that's happened. Just remember the old you..  don't forget it. Please. Come to terms to say goodbye to that person. In reality you are killing them off, to become that woman that was inside, but yet it is you that's still inside.

Well then the day finally came. I finished sewing clips into my extensions, over the weekend, and wore them into work one day. The next day I visited the salon to get my hair did. Mind you for the 1st time in my life. I let my hair grow for 15 years and came into the salon with virgin hair. The girls rejoiced and I was happy with the finished results. Dyed to hide the gray, highlights with tones, and ombre with blonde. Extensions were dyed the same as my hair. I felt so beautiful and the best part... I was dressed as a woman. Yet, I didn't have the confidence, to fully walk out of my home like that or back into it. I threw man's clothes over me so the neighbors wouldn't see me like that.

Although I made it through that experience I couldn't go into work dressed as a woman that day. Yet each day I slowly progressed becoming that woman I would become. With each day my coworkers were starting to become aware of my changes.

The mask had to come off. I was tired of the sarrades, of trying to hide any girl features that would be seen by anyone, when I was a man. Or worrying about if anyone seen me as a girl when I was dressed at home or out in town.

I've dressed at home always before stepping out. It became a half and half thing in my daily life. Maintain a guy appearance at work and girl appearance at home. This was the only way to keep a balance in my life up to this point. Also to have some sanity to keep my mind right with the struggles I would face inside.  Maintaining this balance was the best I could do up to this point.

After coming out at work I slowly implemented it. I didn't want to completely shock everyone with such a drastic change. They knew or suspected something but the mold was coming undone. I knew it was time to stop fooling myself as well.

I can say that I have a great job, where my coworkers are accepting and the company is a LGBT friendly place. If my coworkers are not accepting then they are just tolerating the change. The company's ethics policy protects me being a member of the LGBT community and the way I am so I'm thankful for that. I know it was a shocker for some but this day and age most people are more accepting than if I came out 10 years ago.

Ive been a crossdresser for over 15 years. I think the biggest pain was suppressing it for the past 10 years. It was not healthy mentally. I'm sure it's taken a toll but I know what I want and who I am now. I'm on a transition to mtf. I'm not having any doubts. I've lived half my life as a guy and now it's time to be a woman. I've suppressed her for half my life. I've shared her in this body.

It was like I couldn't just throw her and all the clothes into a box and hide her away. I would always come back to it. It to me was a fetish at 1st. Next was attraction and being with men. Later in life, finding out how I felt all along since a teenager, was that I had gender dysphoria. There was nothing wrong with me or how I felt inside. There was nothing wrong with the stages of this developing from crossdressing to transition.

Now it's her time and he can share or fade away. I look forward to the new me. I know the HRT will help. The progesterone as well. Surgeries when I have enough saved in my HSA. Also having good healthcare. I have support. Friends, they'll be there or I'll make new ones. Family, they will accept me or reject me. I just hope they know I love them and I'm the same person inside. Just changes to the outside from what I feel inside.

I hope this helps anyone in need or that's in the same shoes as me. I know what your dealing with and your not alone. There's always someone that can help. Just reach out for someone like you. You are beautiful.

💋Thrica Allure

xoxo

[todokori-kun]

Ack

 that sounds horrible, getting sick is the worst ;-; get as much rest as you can! I really hope you get better soon<3

(omg the pics are GORGEOUS. Like, Wow. Once I’m done writing this message I’m probably going to go back to stare at them for like an hour and silently scream over how awesome everything looks)

Don’t worry about it, I admit that Stoki is pretty much a crack ship ^^;;

And, well, the redemption fic I mentioned helped me fall deeper into Stoki hell, but I shipped it even before that XD I think part of it is just because I think they could have a really interesting dynamic- they’re just so different, complete opposites. Steve would confuse Loki so much tbh

Also, I just think that Steve (or at least, post-CW Steve) might be one of the avengers most willing to at least try to understand Loki. Partly because Steve’s just a nice guy, and then because of his relationship with Bucky- ‘cause Steve-Bucky and Thor-Loki are really, really similar and I think Steve would realize that.

And then like I said, Steve cares a lot about other people. If Thor ever told him about everything that happened between him and Loki Steve probably wouldn’t have too much difficulty in starting to see Loki as a human(?) being instead of some one-dimensional fairy tale villain.

Lastly, I feel like Steve is just the best person to handle Loki’s issues. He may not be able to personally relate to a lot of it (Tony, Bruce, maybe Natasha would be better for that) but he can take a step back and think rationally about the situation, help convince Loki that just because the rest of the world sees him as a monster, doesn’t mean he has to be one.

Hopefully this made sense? lol)

yeah, that’s pretty much how I felt about it too. It was just so freaking frustrating OTL

(And yes that letter destoyed my feelings too)

btw, can I ask what you think about T'challa? He doesn’t seem to have that many fans yet but I think he’s really cool and possibly one of the more sensible people in the CW movie (once he stops being furious at Bucky). Also the trailer for his new movie is epic and I can’t wait to see his sister…

Hisoillu is bizarre (sadistic murdery Clown with no sense of fashion + sadistic murdery needle guy with dead fish eyes) but also makes a lot of sense at the same time? Like, Hisoka got away with joking about killing Killua in front of Illumi, so…yeah. They’ve got something special LOL

omg imagine.

‘Satisfied but when you fantasize at night it’s Illumi’s eyes’

'Helpless but look into Illumi’s eyes and the sky’s the limit’

'History has its Eyes on you but it’s actually Illumi’

Why do I want these memes to be a thing

With the new revelation about who Touka was visiting at the hospital, I’m beginning to have my doubts about how this will end…maybe they might actually both survive for now???

But I’m a bit miserable rn because if one of them has to die I’d rather keep Juuzou too but it seems much more likely for Touka to survive. She’s like the main female lead, plus she has Kaneki’s baby…

R.I.P Naki, the sweetest cinnamon roll who just wanted to see his big bro again ;-;

(Also: Wow, way to go Kaneki, you finally started acting like an actual leader (in a way)! But can I just say, what absolutely perfect timing)

WTH I had no idea Soul Eater’s art style developed that much???!!! That’s actually pretty amazing! (And yeah, I know that SE has some pretty complex characters and interesting stories in it :D it’s just still a lot lighter and has different themes from the mangas I usually enjoy ^^ I might try it out though!)

Death The Kid seems really cool! (does he really have OCD in canon, though? Like, I’ve seen a lot of Soul Eater fans talking like he does but idk if it’s actually a thing? Maybe I sound weird but it just seems insensitive to say characters like DTK and Levi have 'OCD’ and talking about it jokingly when it’s actually incredibly difficult and stressful for people who actully have OCD, so I’m not sure how to feel about those fans)

Yay! Gotta go and try to find that fight scene now…

Join me in my suffering. I loved L so much ;-;

(But hey, don’t be too sad (what’s this? Is Evans actually COMFORTING Queen Luna for once instead of rubbing salt in the wound?!)! There’s always the book Death Note: Another Note (The Los Angeles BB Murder Cases)- it’s a prequel to the Death Note manga/anime with L chasing a murderer known as Beyond Birthday (…no comment on that alias). It also shows how he met Naomi Misora which is awesome if you like Naomi (I did, and kinda screamed when Light kiled her))

Eh, I think I’m one of the few people who doesn’t mind it being set in America because what’s the point of making an American adaptation if it’s going to be set in Japan anyway? I also don’t really have a problem with 'white-washing’ for this same reason (though I am disappointed because being Japanese-American would have added an interesting layer to Light’s character; despite fighting for justice, in canon, LIght’s never actually been victimized or discriminated against. He’s a handsome, intelligent young man who appears to be cisgender and heterosexual (even if it’s never confirmed) and is Japanese, just like everyone else around him. Japanese-American Light, on the other hand, would have really experienced how the 'rotten’ world could hurt people, so his acts as Kira might have more personal emotion in them)…like, it’s possible to cast a white actor as Light without it being white-washing, and since they changed the entire setting I think it’s fine to change other things too. Just, I’m cool with anything as long as they portrayed Light’s character properly…BUT THEY DIDN’T SO

I’m really just disappointed that they botched the characters and all the themes of the original Death Note story so badly. Sure, change the setting, change the circumstances, change the plot, changehe designs, but why did you have to take Death Note’s philosophy away?

But, because I might have been a bit too mean:

I will say that the movie LOOKS really good. The visuals are great. The soundtrack seems decent too. Also, though Ryuk’s motivations/role also weren’t done very well, Ryuk’s actor did an amazing job…and while I’m not happy with how L was portrayed in this movie, I do think that the actor they cast for him could have been a good L if not for the bad writing.

Well…from what I know, Light Turner ends up in a hospital at the end of the movie with his One True Love Mia(Misa) dead, so nah. The Keikaku failed.

(which just proves that Light Turner really is nothing like Light Yagami, because Light Yagami’s keikakus never fail.

Until the end of the Death note manga/anime, that is.)

Yeah, I know about SU’s terrible fandom, so I’m not going to actively participate in writing fanfic, drawing fan art or making HCs/theories with other people…I’m just gonna watch the show with my sister and look at pretty fanart XD

Tysm tho!

(Question: Which character do you think you are? And what kind of gem do you think you’d be?)

Aww, I’m so happy my awkward rambling actually made you feel better??? Like. Come on. You have no idea how much our convos helped me with anxiety and stress, so I have to thank you for that too <333

(And seriously, Queen Luna is amazing.)

For most people, they start going to elementary at seven (in international age) as far as I know, and then go to middle school at around thirteen. Then high school at…um…sixteen? Maybe? I’ve never really gone to school here so I might not be 100% correct but it’s something like that ^^;;

I really wanna try Mystic Messenger but since my phone is an old flip phone…I like my phone but sometimes this can be inconvenient LOL

(I’m totally fine with messaging here, but are you really ok with it? 'Cause if you’re not, we can try to work something else out!)

hi im luna and i wanna die.

HNNNNNNNNGH have i ever told you how much i hate school?  because i freaking hate school from the bottom of my heart i can’t feel my neck anymore from the amount of studying ive been doing that’s depressing.

anyway. heartfelt advice: do not fuck your stomach up in any way, because you will suffer if you do. take it from me, i’ve managed to develop this amazing thing called Gastritis and now i cant eat anything without getting the feeling that im gonna throw it back out which is absolutely wonderful. thankfully, i don’t throw up, but it’s freaking annoying and ive lost waay too much weight already. best part? the whole reason why i have it is apparently purely psychological,  too much stress. i got it in the middle of july. HOW my mom is also being INCREDIBLY helpful by basically telling me to ‘get over it’ like i can just snap my fingers and tell myself ‘oh yeah this is only in my head’ and it’ll all pass over. cause that’s how it works.  so is my sister by always laughing at me

oook moving on.

yep, school started and i am suffering. ive already gone through 4 tests and a bunch of oral quizzes. yay. thanks teachers for totally not putting horrible pressure on us from the start.  i stg, one of my most common thoughts these days is ‘see, this is exactly why i have a psychosomatic sickness.’ they’re sending my to a psychologist to see if i can let everything out and maybe get some advice on how to handle things better. i will laugh my ass off if i get diagnosed with a mental disorder. that’d be absolutely hilarious (I am in no way trying to make fun of people with a mental disorder, I’m just saying I honestly wouldn’t even be surprised if they said something like Burnout Syndrome or Depression (im not even joking when I say that I’ve been sleeping pretty much all afternoon + night these days, cry way too often, feel no motivation for anything, feel worthless, no apetite and also occasional suicidal thoughts which is oh so fun (ok but in my defence, the thoughts are really rare, probably caused by the fact that I feel nauseous like 90% of the time, and I would never ever do it, mostly because some people would miss me (I hope). there are moments when I go ‘wouldn’t it be easier to disappear?’ tho))

sorry about that rant

MOVING ON TO HAPPIER THEMES (and proper writing):

Yeah, Norway was truly gorgeous ^^ I don’t think I’ve ever felt more at peace than then. I fell asleep in the car at one point while watching the scenery outside, and it was one of the best sleeps in my life, despite being in the car. I’m glad you enjoyed them ^^ If you want, I can upload random pics like that every once in a whole.

Aaah, that’s pretty good reasoning! It makes a lot more sense now, thanks for explaining! 

Yeah, I kinda see why you’d ship it. Steve is a pretty understanding person and, like you said, would probably understand Loki the best ^^ Recommend me some fics and I might even start shipping it myself ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I LOVE T’CHALLA THANK YOU FOR ASKING YES.  I mean, he angery™, but also freaking cool! Not to mention crazily powerful *^* I’m pretty excited for his movie, cause more badassery from him!

Wow those sound like genuine memes. Seriously why can’t i draw XD

Also HIstory has its eyes on you but it’s actually Illumi will give me nightmares.

GODAMNIT I JUST WANT JUUZOU TO BE HAPPY IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?? (apparently yes)

Yep, since I have all the volumes, I like to flip through them sometimes and I’m blown away every time by the development.  I also cosplayed the main character a while ago, so it holds a high sentimental value to me. But it is a lot lighter than your usual reads, true...

Well, uh, it’s kinda hard to explain? I mean, DTK is obsessed with symmetry and will go to crazy lengths to preserve it, get mad if someone disturbs it, will jeopardise missions if he’s not sure if he left something perfectly symmetrically at home etc, but it’s not so much as a mental illness as it is a consequence of who he is (part of the Grim Reaper)? Like i said, it’s really had to explain.

Did you manage to find the fight scene?

My reaction to Death Note in general:  FUCK YOU LIGHT YAGAMI. oooh, I’ll search that manga up!

Well, I’m not so much upset about the whitewashing, more about the fact that I feel like the japanese general ideology plays a big role in why light decided to start killing bad people? Idk how to explain it... 

Oh, Japanese-American Kira would’ve been a really interesting thing to see!

Yay, at least you found some good things? Well, it’s nice that you managed that ^^

Damnit, so it didn’t go according to Keikaku! It’s all because they didn’t include the potato chip scene.

Uuh, i don’t exactly remember much of SU, but I guess I’m most similar to Pearl? I didn’t really sympathise with any characters that much tbh. As for gem. Uuuuuh *quickly googles gem meanings* ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA.  I like Zircon because of the colour and alexandrite because it changes colour which is incredibly cool!

Your rambling always makes me feel better tbh. It gives me a looong message from a friend I appreciate incredibly much so, yeah, I always smile when I see a message from you (even though my replies are so slooooooooow)

Aaah, I see! That’s pretty interesting ^^ Quite different from our system.

Ah, shame, you would’ve liked the most recent route, there is so so so much suffering.

Yeah, I am 100% fine!! Don’t worry about it! The reason why I suggested something else is because on sites w an instant messaging system, my replies would probably be a lot quicker,

I AM IN LOVE WITH THE AESTETHICS, ESPECIALLY LIZZY, THAT IS GOALS

and the drawings are adorable ^^ Hide tho ;-;

[dontkyeom]

Monsta X: Beautiful in San Francisco - Fan Experience

ayooo i was asked to post about the monsta x concert i just went to (and also i want a record of what happened before i forget) so here it is!! under the cut are my pre, during, and post-show experiences/thoughts!!

pre-show

okay so my friend and i planned to get boba from boba guys and fries from super duper for dinner

me being me, i planned for us to meet at 5 so we had enough time to eat and digest for the show

i leave my house around 3:45 bc i was gonna bus over while my friend was gonna get dropped off at boba guys

in the end we ended up getting sharetea and meeting at super duper an hour later than when we were supposed to meet for the following reasons:

i got to the area before my friend

I WALKED THE WHOLE ASS TUNNEL BETWEEN DOWNTOWN AND CHINATOWN FOR NO REASON i was so heated omg

the line for boba guys was out the door and down the block so i was like girl… we gotta yeet

i left to get sharetea but my friend for some reason thought we were still gonna meet at boba guys so she had to walk down to the mall

she ended up getting lost and going to chinatown

meanwhile i was trying to find sharetea bc i didnt even know they had one in the mall

ended up ordering for both of us and agreeing to meet at super duper

also i saw some monbebes in the mall while i was waiting for my drinks hehe i peeped ur shirts

we got to the warfield at 7 when the doors were supposed to open and y’all the line was so long that it like wrapped around the block and the end was right by the entrance

i got gnarly cramps in both of my legs within five minutes of each other and they hurt like a damn bitch let me tell you

i felt really bad bc i like fell to the floor in the middle of the line and some of the people behind us were like omg are you okay and i was like yes pls just go around me i’ll be okay

and then the cramp went away and the people held our spots for us!! such kind people ily if you’re reading this

we got in right at 8 when the show was supposed to start (but they ended up starting later which im just assuming was so that everyone could get in)

during-show

y’all everyone kept screaming even tho the boys weren’t on stage yet and it hella freaked out my friend and i when we left to get water

we literally rushed back and my friend tripped up the stairs but it’s fine we made it back in time

anyway their energy is just off the charts like i was hyped as hell from beginning to end. they really know how to bring a crowd up and their stage presence is amazing. no awkward moments whatsoever and very smooth transitions from one stage to the next i was actually really impressed

and they said the bay had the realest energy and i was ready to NUT

my heart cried when they left a mic stand for hyungwon for ex girl, i really love how thoughtful the boys are when a member is missing. they take ohana to a new level it’s just endearing to see how much they truly care for one another

i would also like to have a moment of appreciation bc they didn’t say san fran at all?? i was lowkey expecting them to but they didn’t :’) (pls never say san fran it’s a big no from me)

wonho lowkey tried to throw chocolate to the upper balcony i saw him aiming a bit higher and i appreciate his effort so much

also as a former tech crew member in high school, a moment of appreciation for all the tech effects, they really added to the whole experience of the show and i thoroughly enjoyed the different effects and the timing of everything

appreciation for the stage hands who brought the bench on stage, i hope y’all heard me cheer for you bc i know what that’s like

also… i really loved seeing all the spike tape on the stage for whatever reason

anyway back to the boys

minhyuk jooheon kihyun and i.m came out and they asked us who was the most romantic (i said kihyun bc that boy was smooth as shit in that one video) and a lot of people said minhyuk so they made him do aegyo and OMFG MINHYUK’S AEGYO HAHAHAHA THAT SHIT WAS SO FUNNY all he said was “san francisco… oh my god” and then he kept repeating oh my god and OMG and he and jooheon were switching off and their voices were getting lower and i.m was like “yo this is not cute this is just weird” i got it on video if anyone wants to see it lmao

and then wonho and shownu came out like “…what kind of weird things were you guys talking about”

speaking of videos, all the videos i have of their songs are shaky af bc i was bopping at the same time but if anyone still wants to see them i can send a google drive link your way hehe

from zero was the cutest shit ever. im still really sad hyungwon couldnt make it but the sub did a great job in his place!!

i needa take a moment to just talk about wonho bc that man can go from cocky daddy to a total sweetie. like… he totally knows he’s a walking sex god (a small moment of silence for when kihyun just like pulled wonho’s jacket down to try to expose his arms during his intro) but then he’ll talk about how he tried to perform extra well to make up for hyungwon not being there and he’s trying to put on a better show and you can really tell how much he cares about us and ugh 

ALSO

WONHO IS SCULPTED BY THE GODS I WAS WAAAAAY UP IN THE UPPER BALCONY AND EVEN I COULD SEE HOW DEFINED HE IS SO PROPS TO HIM

i popped the FUCK off at the 24k magic cover oh my god y’all i love bruno and i got so excited when shownu minhyuk and i.m covered it, and it was so damn lit. like i was a lil bummed when i found out they werent gonna do the second verse bc it’s my fav part of the song but i.m’s rap was AMAZING and fit really well and oh my god don’t even get me started on the dance breaks omfffff

their outfits were cute as shit too

also appreciation for i.m’s voice. i just really like his voice im such a slut for deep voices ok this is why he’s my wrecker

jooheon and kihyun are just something else when they come together, i love what they’re able to offer to each other and able to create as a unit it’s just really cool to see :’)

also i must say… seeing jooheon’s deep ass dimples and kihyun’s nice ass cheekbones are such a blessing

OH AND THEIR AEGYO

THE AIR... POP SHIT BRUH I WAS DED

THE RED OUTFITS ARE SUCH A LOOK UGHHH

i almost cried when broken heart came on, such a beautiful song AND THEY LEFT A SPACE IN THE MIDDLE FOR HYUNGWON UGH MY HEART

blind, trespass, and rush were arguably the most hype songs of the night, like ive never went so hard in my life

also a moment to talk about shownu bc like… idk i’ve noticed he’s a lot more quiet than other leaders of idol groups so i wasn’t really sure what to expect but i gained so much respect for him?? he has great stage presence and is really well-spoken and charismatic damn gemini AND HE’S JUST SO TALENTED

omg there was this one part where wonho said “hyungwon actually made a recovery earlier than expected” and like the way he said it made it seem like hyungwon was gonna make a surprise appearance but nah

but it’s okay bc they all said they wanna come back to the bay asap and y’all can BET i’ll be there

i appreciated their english speaking, like during their intros and goodbyes it was heartwarming to see their efforts to communicate w us

surprisingly they didnt really talk much about how it was their 800 days?? idk i was kinda expecting them to address it but they didnt

omg their bows were adorable, they like held hands and moved across the stage in a line to bow to different parts of the venue it was so cute to watch

post-show

my friend and i waited in the merch line that moved pretty quickly actually?? but there were only stickers left and i thought it was more important for my friend to get something bc it was her first concert and she really wanted something to remember it by so i passed (also stickers were $25 what even)

but it’s cool bc she let me have a hyungwon sticker (and a cute lil logo bc there were two of them)!! theyre probably gonna live in my phone case bc i have a clear one so y’all BET im taking my mans everywhere w me

she really enjoyed herself which i was really happy to see!! being there for someone’s first concert is magical 10/10 would recommend

i also enjoyed myself in case i didnt make that clear lmao. despite the rough pre-concert experience, seeing those boys do their thing made everything worth it and i’m so glad i got to experience their first world tour :’) also ive never let loose to the extent that i did sober tonight so props to monsta x for bringing out my bay area hyphy lmaooo

i just wanna say thank you to monsta x for coming to sf, putting on a good show, and making us feel loved and appreciated. i was hella surprised when an sf show was announced considering most groups usually just go to LA, so thanks for giving the bay a chance and showing us such a fun time!!

and shoutout to the monbebes for being such a cute crowd. i loved seeing everyone waving their light sticks and arms and just having a good time, and cheering so hard for these talented and hardworking men

also seeing everyone come out of hi-touch all happy and smiley and starstruck was the cutest thing, so if you got to experience that i’m so happy for you and i hope you enjoyed seeing those boys up close!! would’ve done it myself but im an unemployed college kid so anything over $100 wasn’t an option for me

((another also, im v sorry to everyone behind me if my aggressive arm waving got in the way of your view i was enjoying myself way too much))

all in all, my first kpop concert was a huge success!! came in not knowing what to expect (it’s a bit different from the other shows/concerts ive been to in the past, but a good different!!), but still had a lit ass night :)

[artificialqueens]

I'll kiss it better

Hi! This is the first fanfiction ive ever written, so hope its not that bad! Its a trixya highschool au where they’re both girls. The whole story will be Trixie’s POV :) also im from Norway so my English is not the best so sorry if there is alot of misstakes :(( hope you enjoy this anyway !

It was just a regular day, nothing new. The day had started with trixie aplying her barbie makeup, putting on one of her too many pink outfits, having classes that she was focused in, meeting her friends Violet and Pearl and eating gross food in the cafeteria. All tho, a day wouldnt be normal without spending her luch staring across the room at the popular’s table. Not that she cared that they were popular, but she did care that the most beautiful girl she had ever layed eyes on was on of them.

“Trixie! Omg can you stop looking at Katya and focus on me for a few minutes??” Violet said frowning at Trixie that clearly had spaced out in the middle of Violets monologs about herself.

“Wait what did you say?” Trixie looked back at Pearl and Violet who were both looking at her, Violet rolling her eyes as usual.

“If you wasnt so focused on ms. I let the whole school bang me, you would have heard that i was talking about what im going to wear for my next model job next week.” Violet said looking back at Pearl who gave her a sympathetic look, knowing how much Violet became annoyed when people didnt listen to her.

“Im sorryyyy. Its just that-”

“Yes yes Katya is beautiful, katya is amazing and Katya is the best creature that has ever lived, we know.” Violet said looking more upset.

“But i mean she may be-”

“No Trixie. She is not a lesbian. She has sucked off half of the football team, also, i dont even get why a slut like her would be popular.” She said crossing her arms like a kid throwing a tantrum.

Trixie hated how much Violet disliked Katya. It was obvious that she was jealous of her populaity, but no one ever said anything. Pearl was too busy loving Violet and supporting everything she said, and Max who usually sat with them, was too shy to say somthing unless it was about something being too vulgar for her. Trixie usually ignored her and focused back at Katya, but calling her a slut was not ok.

“Just because she likes dick doesnt mean she is a slut.” Trixie said trying to defend Katya like she had been her best friend since kindergarten.

“Trixie omg you just said it yourself, she likes dicks not pussy so get over it already.”

The bell rang before Trixie got to say anything else, so she ended up just rolling her eyes and got out of the cafeteria as fast as she could.

The next class was maths, and even tho Trixie liked to focus on her school work, she couldnt help but think about what Violet had said. Its not like she belived it herself that Katya was a lesbian or a bisexual, but thinking she was straight was way too negative. The sadest part was probably the fact that Katya didnt even know who Trixie was, even after soon 3 years in high school. Not that Trixie had noticed Katya before the start of the 3rd year either, but it sucked having a crush on someone who had abselutely no idea that you existed.

-

It was a week later, and Trixie was sitting in the cafeteria again, listening to Violet talk about how her photoshoot had gone yesterday. Today Max sat beside her on their table and listened with full enthusiasm while she was talking. She heard something about the photographer being a pervert and Pearl getting upset over this and Max wanting to call the police, but honestly right now she couldnt care less, cause Katya was wearing shorts for the first time since fall and her ass looked so great in them. Not to mention her hair being tied up in a long curly ponytail and a black crop top with some sort of cigarette print on it, to be honest it was hard to say with Katya being on the other side of the room, but at least she got to stare at her from behind, which might have been the greatest part of her week. She started thinking about how it would be to actually talk with her, she always laughed loud and had the biggest and most happy smile she had ever seen, so she could probably do it if she went for it. Pffth like she was ever gonna be brave enough to even say hi to her in the hall, at least not with her bitch committee following her.

“Are you staring at that girl again?” Asked Max looking at her with a hopeless look. Max was the one she had known the logest and probably the most supportive of the group, but it didnt mean she helped alot in her crush situation.

“No no, i was just, um thinking about the math test next week, thats all.” Trixie said with a half smile and got her focus away from Katya.

“You need to get yourself together and say hi soon. You cant just stare at her for two years without even trying.” It was the most suportive comment she had gotten out of any of them forever and she was happy with Max trying to help her. Not that it was helping but at least it wasnt Violet saying focus on me and not that slut.

“But she doesnt even know i exist…” She sight and got up ready to get to her next class.

“Try a hi anyways, unless you dont want her to know that you exist.” Pearl said as they walked on their way to their different classes.

Trixie was daydreaming on her way to her class, thinking about all sort of things, till she was half way up the stairs. She felt someone behind her lifting up her skirt. At that moment she was so unconfortable and upset that she turned around, ready to punch the pervert who was trying to take a peek at her panties. There was a bunch of people, both boys and girls standing behind her giggling and wispering to each other, but at the very front, right in front of her was Katya. She was trying not to burst into laughter while her friends around her was laughing their asses of.

Trixie felt her cheeks heat up and she turned around and ran up the stairs almost tripping, but made it into on of the bathroom stalls. She felt tears running down her cheeks as she thought about the most embarrassing thing ever happening to her comming true. There she was having this great idea that Katya was this amazing person who everyone liked because she was funny and warm hearted. She was wrong, she was just another part of the whole mean girls group. She couldnt belive why anyone, at least not her, would do that to her for no reason other than a laugh. She was angry at her, and most of all herself for letting herself having a crush on her for so long when in reality she was just this cold hearted bitch.

-

That night was filled with ice cream and her three friend spening their time talking about how much of a bitch the mean girls are and why Trixie shouldnt blame herself for wearing short skirts.

“She was probably just tring to act cool in front of the guys. Not that im taking her side, but maybe its more to the story?” Pearl said trying to find out why she would do that.

“I mean i already said she was a filthy slu-”

“Language Violet.” Max interrupted.

“Omg shut up. I already said she was an attention seeking bitch.” Violet said looking back at Max to see if he was alright with her saying bitch, Max gave her a look of approval.

“I know you did, b-but i still dont get why i could have a cursh on her when she was this kind of person all along..” She tried holding back herself from tearing up again.

“You didnt know sweetheart, its not your fault.” Max said and gave her another hug.

“Look tomorrow you’re gonna go over to her with confidence and tell her to fuck off ok?” Violet said and looked at the other people shaking their heads.

“No thats just being imature Violet, let her ignore her if she wants to, maybe its just better to forget the whole situation.” Max said, but Trixie didnt really listen anymore, she as tired from crying the whole night and wanted nothing more than to forget this day and most of all, forget Katya.

[thecharlesdilaurentis-blog]

"In the eyes abides the heart"

Pll 7x15 thoughts: *sorry it’s kind of a lot lol*

- my poor baby Emily I feel violated for you ugh I just wanted emison to happen im sorry this was the only way

- ew wtf that video message AD sent aria was fucking creepy!! Was the body supposed to be hers too?? Cause for some reason it was sending me major Melissa vibes, maybe all the spoilers of her being AD is true

- Hanna just face it Lucas is a creep n he been that way since day one

- ugh Spencer I get it Marco has a nice body but you bought to get yourself caught up like always you could already tell Marco was trying to catch her in a lie

- Marco really could be the smartest detective ever in rosewood *honorable mention: detective tanner*

- oh yeah of course Ezra you need to leave and run errands and go back to New York for Nicole stuff. SURE JAN

- this video chat is fucking ME UPP ITS SO UGLY. But I get the outfit is obvi supposed to be aria too but idk the dialogue AD is saying just SCREAMS MELISSA. I could still hop on board with a spencer twin though.

- AD mad af about the liars talking to Ted oooooo I’m excited for once

- ugh paily. Mood killed.

- idk why but something about Ali is just throwing me off she knows more than she’s letting on as always. I can feel it lmao.

- okay archers not the father we know that cool

- if Mary drake really did just chill in Spencer’s bed and drink a glass of wine JUST to leave a note in a bottle in the middle of the door way she just as creep as AD like seriously who does that??? Just leave the damn note. Pll so extra.

- “Lucas wouldn’t hurt us” SURE JAN

- that superhero looks like Hanna… OMG ITS WRITTEN BY LUCAS AND CHARLES

- “2, 3, maybe 4.” YEP MARCO GONNA BE THE ONE TO TAKE THESE LIARS DOWN

- damn pll just be getting creepier and creepier. Do y'all think the comic book was planted there or the girls really just stumbled upon it??

- the boy becomes Arcturus?? Does that mean that there really is more to the “hermie” name or is this just a way of saying Lucas gets to sometimes act like A too?

- there’s also 2 boys and a girl tied up and Lucas in front of levers like in the dollhouse I guess that means he was in there too? OR charlotte made the dollhouse based on the comic they made when they were younger?

- damn AD a real bitch I just can’t see it being Lucas.

- aria you’re weak af for going against your friends I’d fight you so fast if I was one of the other girls when I found out the truth.

- ugh I feel so sad every time I see Emily on the screen this whole storyline just hurts my heart it’s such a big decision and topic

- OMG EMILY SAYING SHE WANTS TO HAVE THE BABY IM CRYING

- spencer and aria are seriously pissing me off with their rouge bullshit

- any scene with Mona is a delight im glad Hanna finally brought her into the game even though I’m sure she already knew about it

- Paige just urks me everything about her

- “I thought it ran on bitchyness” YAS Hanna with the one liners

- MONA FLINCHING AND SMIRKING AT THE GAME UGH IM IN LOVE WITH HER ADMIRATION FOR IT 😂 she really was the best A

- “you, me, & ali” GIRLLLL U WILD but if this really is the end of paily this is a good way to end it. Good job for once Marlene the scene was executed nice!

- YAS aria accuse his sketchy ass finally!!! Im sick of him acting like you ain't been through shit WE ALL KNOW YOU BEEN THROUGH IT GIRL FUCK HIM! But, “I’ve spent my entire life trying to fix things” what does that mean aria??????

- PAIGE WTF YOU’RE A CREEP I KNEW MARLENE COULDNT LEAVE IT ALONE WTF MAN

- Marco piecing it together oooooo I like him

- SPENCER WTF YOU DUMB HOE YOU WROTE YOUR NAME ON THE CHECK I TOTALLY FORGOT THAT OMG YOUR ASS IS GRASS

- I am living for this Paige and Alison scene wtf Marlene I’m sorry I doubted you

- oooo is Mona really scared to get addicted to the game again or is she really just scared for the game to see her playing and then putting a target back on her?

- Ezra totally knew who wren was you could tell that’s why he tried to avoid making eye contact at first

- BUT THE REAL QUESTION IS WHAT WERE HIM AND SPENCER FIGHTING ABOUT BEFORE HE WALKED UP???? Nvm she says it was about him helping her sneak charlotte into radley? Do we believe this? Spencer twin theory is finally coming to light. Wow don't know how I feel about this I'm happy but conflicted.

- ugh I’m crying again I love emison so much I wish their love had more time to develop & Marlene didn't totally ruin every chance she had with making their ship something more than just problematic.

- Ezra you’re such a damn liar, when did this become so easy for you. You know the only reason he’s staying in town is because he knows Wrens here now & he don’t want more of his secrets popping up to aria.

- damn Mary thinks Spencer’s against her ha that sucks but I really don't care this story line is boring.

- idk I’m still getting Melissa vibes lmao I can’t help it Ive been reading too many Melissa is A theories

OKAY Overall I really enjoyed the episode I think things are finally picking up in the story but they could give us a little more we only got 5 episodes left for fucks sake. Anyways I give it a 6/10