#also my wallet went missing for 4 days before I realised it was gone

[jutsuuu]

I am no longer experiencing

[bullet-proofgirlscouts]

JiminXReader - In One Week, Part  - 9

Part 1; Part 2; Part 3; Part 4; Part 5; Part 6; Part 7; Part 8;

Disclaimer: Angst.

“Taehyung,” Jimin called out desperately, “Is she ok?”

“Of course, she’s not ok Jimin.” he replied, his voice soft and pained, “Her grandfather passed away.”

Time seemed to stop. Jimin’s eyes widened, a sharp pang going through his heart. His stomach lurched, making him nauseous. He felt dizzy.

“What?” he gasped out.

Taehyung opened his mouth, about to reply, before he was stopped.

“Tae.” Yoongi called out, now also getting out of the car. He shut the door harshly, stuffing his hands in his pockets, “Go get her wallet, i’ll keep him company.”

The younger nodded, patting Jimin’s shoulder, before walking towards the house. As soon as Taehyung was in, Yoongi took quick strides towards Jimin, a stone cold expression etched on his face. “What do you want Jimin?” he said, standing in front of him. “What-I-how-” “Obviously, she cant talk to you right now, so i’ll pass on your message if you’d like.”

Jimin looked up at him, trying to fight the lump in his throat at the news, “Ugh, no, it’s fine. It’s something I need to tell her myself- woah!” Suddenly, out of nowhere, Yoongi grabbed Jimin's collar with both hands, pulling him forwards, a dangerous look in his eyes. ““You listen to me, Park Jimin.” Yoongi said, voice deep, “She’s already going through alot of shit and the last thing she needs is you coming and making things even more difficult to handle. Why are you here?” Jimin gulped, a bit scared, “I really am not comfortable talking about this, i’ll just come back later.” “No you won’t.” Yoongi threatened, “Just wait for her to come back to University, then tell her whatever it is you’re here to say. Bet it’s not as important as you think it is.”

That made Jimin frown, getting a bit annoyed, “It is important. I’m going to see her, you can't stop me.” “I’ll be the judge of that.” Yoongi hissed, his grip on Jimin tightening, “I’m giving you one more shot, why are you here?” Jimin wasn't going to back down.

“Because i’m in love with her.”

Yoongi froze, eyes widened, “What did you say?” “I came here...to tell her I have feelings for her.” “Didnt you reject her last week?” Jimin frowned at that but brushed it off. Of course she would tell her best friend about what happened. “Yes, I did. And in that one week, I was miserable without her. I didn't realise it then, but i do now.”

“...I swear if you’re looking at her as a source of entertainment-”

“I’m not!” Jimin said, pushing Yoongi’s hands off of him, “Of course i’m not, I wouldn't be here if I didn't care. I was worried sick about her, it was killing me!”

Yoongi simply glared at him for a few seconds before nodding, “Ok, ok.” he said with a sigh, “but you deal with this in your own time, don't tell her now. She’s going through some stuff, so just...be with her, as her friend.”

Jimin nodded, “Ok.” he agreed.

“...You’re a good guy Jimin.” Yoongi said, “but you better be serious about this or i’m going to beat you so hard they won't be able to tell your face apart from your ass.”

“...Good to know.” Jimin said. Then, because he felt like it, Jimin leaned forward and hugged the older guy, wrapping his arms around his shoulders. Yoongi stiffened, clearly shocked.

“I’m sorry.” Jimin said, “This must be taking a toll on you too. She told me how close you all were with him.”

Yoongi sighed, bringing his hand up to pat Jimin’s back, “Thanks kid.”

~~~

Your Grandfather died of a heart attack on Saturday morning.

You had gotten out of bed, gone to the bathroom, brushed your teeth, took a shower, changed into your clothes and gone out the room. You made your way to the living room when you saw him, lying down on the ground, his neck veins popping, face red. Not breathing.

You cried out, yelling and panicking as you ran towards his body, shaking his shoulders. You called out to him, over and over, your tears pouring down your face as you tried not to choke. You barely managed to type the number of the ambulance on your phone due to your trembling fingers. Crying out what was happening and giving them the address, the ambulance was on their way. They had told you to not panic, instructing you to keep your door open as you had to do CPR. But it was too late.

The ambulance had arrived ten minutes after you had called to find you still pumping his chest, tired and weak, choking on your tears. They had taken both of you to the hospital, even though there was nothing that could be done to help him. He suffered from a heart attack at five in the morning and died shortly after, the doctors said, more than an hour before you woke up. His body was in one of the rooms, covered head to toe in a white sheet as you sat outside, staring blankly at the closed doors in front of you. The doctors talked to you for a bit, informing you of the details and asked you a few questions as well. They were kind. And careful. And genuinely upset over the loss of a life. Or over the fact that you were there to witness it. Either way, they were kind yet straightforward, and you appreciated it. Not at that moment, but later.

Your parents were called and informed of the news. They were currently in Japan for a business meeting, but they cancelled all plans and booked the fastest plane ticket back home. Which would take another two days. Your father asked you not to worry about the procedures. “I have the doctor's number as well as the officials,” he said through his tears, “I’ll take care of the legal stuff and the funeral, you leave it to me.”

He told you to go over to a friend’s house and stay there for a while, not wanting you to be alone. “I’m so sorry this happened to you, my baby.” Your mother consoled over the phone, “We’ll get there as soon as possible. But until then I need you to be strong for me, ok?”

“Ok…”

“Good girl. This is going to be difficult baby, but we’ll get through this together.” You didn’t know how long you were at the hospital. The whole day went by in a blur with you having to sign documents and produce files of identity, answering various questions about your grandfather’s medical history, having to answer whether your family wanted him cremated or buried. By the end of it all, it was already nighttime.

You had to leave.

But go where? There’s no way you’re going home, so what were you going to do?

You could go to a friend’s house, but you didn’t want to. You wanted to be alone even though logic told you to surround yourself with people and not deal with this alone. But sometimes logic can go screw itself. So, you left the hospital with nothing but your phone, and walked. Just walked. You walked around the whole town, aimlessly, crossing by the park (you played on the swing for a good hour and a half, simply staring around you and up at the stars) the beach, (you walked across the whole stretch of sand, admiring how beautiful the water looked underneath the moonlight) the highway, (you never realized how different things looked when it was empty and peaceful) eventually, you didn’t know where you were.

You pulled out your phone and scanned through the number of missed calls. Your parents had called you multiple times, there were several calls from the boys as well, not knowing what had happened. How could they? Besides your parents, you hadn’t talked to anyone.

You had to call someone, tell them what happened, maybe tell them to come find you, but you couldn’t do it. You knew you were being selfish. If something like this had happened to your friends you would want them to call you, you thought, but you couldn’t bring yourself to do it.

You just wanted to be alone.

So you turned around and started to walk back the several hours it took for you to reach the point where you were.

Time flew by until the sky slowly turned from an inky black to a soft blue.

The sun was rising. You had spent the whole night wandering around.

You cursed under your breath. None of this felt real.

You were still a bit lost, but there were certain buildings and landmarks that you recognized, so you weren’t totally hopeless.

You started walking again, along the footpath when your body gave up and your legs crumbled beneath you. You fell on your side with a thud, something cracking in your pocket. Groaning, you pulled out your phone that had taken the damage and started at the cracked screen. You tried turning it on, but it wouldn’t work. It was broken.

“Great,” you muttered, “Just great.” You threw it beside you in frustration. Grunting in pain, your attention was diverted back to why you fell in the first place. You pulled your shoes off, grimacing at how red and veined your feet were. Luckily, you had time before the streets started getting crowded so you could rest your aching feet. Not like you could walk even if you wanted to.

So, you sat, cross-legged, watching the sky turn completely bright blue. It was beautiful.

Minutes passed by until you heard a familiar sound. An engine. Of a bike.

Oh shit. You thought.

Pouting, you waited until the bike came to a halt besides you, not even needing to look up to confirm who it was. You already knew.

“Why did I have to hear this from your parents rather than from you?”

“Because I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I wanted to be alone and isolated and…”

“And you think that’s a good idea?”

“Why not?” You yelled, “What’s so wrong in me having time to myself, away from nosy people like you!” You immediately regretted saying that, but you swallowed your apology. You wanted to be angry.

“The fact that you called me of all people, nosy…that proves you’re not ok.” Yoongi said, smirking.

You felt tears well up in your eyes. Groaning, you put your face in your hands, trying your best to not cry.

“...Just leave me alone,Yoongi.” You said, your voice slightly muffled.

“No, not yet.” he said, “I’m taking you home.”

“I don’t want to go home.”

“Not your home, my home. The others are worried sick, they’re waiting for you. Jin’s made breakfast cause we’re pretty sure you haven't eaten anything.”

You had a chocolate bar or two yesterday and that was pretty much it.

Groaning, you looked up and Suga, glaring at him through your red rimmed, watery eyes.

“Why?” You asked, staring right at him, “Why do you always do this? Why do you care so much when I say I don’t need you to?”

“Because I know it’s not true,” Suga stared right back at you, not blinking, “because you’d do the same for me,” He said, firmly, “and because I love you. Now come on, the others are waiting for you.”

~~~

Yoongi ended up driving you to his place, despite your objections.

“They’re worried to death,” he said as he rode his bike, “You’re not going anywhere until you talk to them.”

Frowning, you decided not to argue anymore, knowing it won't get you anywhere. It wasn't that you didn't want to see them...it’s just that you didn't want to have to explain yourself. You caused so much trouble, making them worry about you, you just didn't have the heart, nor the energy, to really face them. But, it was happening and you had no idea what to expect.

Finally, the two of you reached the house and were standing in front of the door. Yoongi unlocked it and briskly walked in, followed by you. Immediately, you noticed the pairs of shoes that were taken off, two extra ones that you recognized. Slowly you raised your eyes off the ground and were met with the stern face of Seokjin who was standing right in front of you. Taehyung and Namjoon were sitting on the couch and jumped to their feet when you entered the room, a tense looks on their face. Yoongi simply walked to the kitchen, not wanting to be involved.  

“Are you alright? Are you hurt?” Namjoon asked. You simply shook your head in response.

“Your parents called me last night,” Jin said, his arms crossed, “they were worried because you weren't answering your phone. They asked me if you were with me and I told them you were, but that you were sleeping so that they wouldn't worry. Now, you owe us an explanation. Why did Yoongi have to pick you up in the middle of the street at four in the morning?”

“How did you find me anyways?” you said, the question directed towards the said man. He simply gave you a glare, warning you to take this seriously.

Grumbling, you looked away. “I’m sorry,” you mumbled, “I didn't mean to make you guys worry…I just...wanted to be alone.”

“Have you talked about this? To anybody?” Jin asked, and once again, you simply shook your head.

Sighing, Jin quickly grabbed your arm and dragged you forwards, enveloping you in a tight, protective embrace. You didn't realize how badly you needed a hug until Jin did it. A warmth spread through your body, his strong arms pushing you further into his sturdy chest, his cheek pressed up against the top of your head.

“You can't run from this,” he said, his voice soft, “i’m sorry, but you need to deal with it.”

Suddenly, everything came crashing down on you.

Tears filled your eyes at the reality of it all. Your Grandfather was dead. The man who raised you, cared for you, cherished you, loved you more than he loved anyone else, he was gone...and there was nothing that could change that. No longer would he send you off to university, with a smile on his face, no longer would that same, bright smile greet you when you came back home. No more movie nights, no more Sunday mornings when you made breakfast together, no more consolations when you would wake him up in the middle of the night due to nightmares, no more walks along the park, no more late night stories where he would tell you about his youth, no more celebrations when it was your birthday, no more laughing over your embarrassing baby pictures, no longer will the boys come over and have hour long conversations with him, making you realize how much you love them all,

No more him.

And that broke you.

Tears poured out of your eyes, your shoulders shaking, heaving heavily as you cried into Jin’s shirt. Your arms reached around him, grasping onto his shirt like your life depended on it, your nails digging into it. Your cries turned louder as you sobbed and choked on your tears, eventually evolving into screams. Jin held you through the whole thing, not complaining about you ruining his shirt or your nails digging into his skin. He was soon joined by Taehyung who went behind you and hugged you as well. 

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled into your ear, the only one of them all who knew exactly what you were going through, “but the pain will pass, I promise.”

~~~

Jimin sat on the sidewalk, hugging his knees, his head bent. People who walked by looked on in concern over the mop of orange hair, but left him alone anyway.

He couldn’t believe it. He had the pleasure of meeting the man once and he was genuinely the nicest person he’d ever met.

And the way she talked about her grandfather…

“Jimin?” a voice called out.

The said man looked up, eyes wide as he saw her. She seemed equally as startled by the situation, clearly never expecting Jimin to come to her house.

She was completely dressed in black with a bouquet of flowers in her hands. Just back from visiting her grandfather’s grave.

Jimin immediately jumped to his feet, pausing for a second before walking forward, taking long, fast strides.

She took a few steps back on instinct, her eyes never leaving his.

“Sorry I didn’t call.” She said, her voice soft “I ended up breaking my phone and I didn’t know your number by-heart and I didn’t want to go to the university and I know that isn’t fair but I-”

Jimin reached out and quickly pulled her into a hug, cutting her off. His arms wrapped around her shoulders tightly. Pushing her into him as he squeezed her with as much strength as he could muster (without hurting her of course). Nuzzling his face into the nape of her neck, he felt her freeze for a second, before an arm came to pat his back. Usually Jimin would stop hugging a person once he felt ‘the pat’, but he didn’t care now. He simply held her tighter.

Her face was nuzzled into his shoulder, her breath slightly tickling him. Slowly, her arms decided to wrap around him too, burying herself further into his warmth, and they held each other.

Finally, she brought her hands to his waist and pushed slightly. Not wanting to make her uncomfortable, Jimin let go (regretfully).

A few seconds passed before he cupped her face in his hands softly, thumbs wiping the tears that had fallen, and quickly leaned forward and pressed a short kiss to her forehead.

“I’m so sorry…” he said, once he parted. He didn’t know what else to say.

He felt her choke a bit underneath him before she replied, “Thank you.”

And before he knew it, her arms wrapped around him again, wanting another hug.

~~~

[hymn2000]

Freeze - MCU AU Fanfic - C16

(Title subject to change)

Previous chapter(s): 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15

Story synopsis:- When a burst gas main destroys everything and leaves Peter with nothing, the Stark’s take him in. Thrown together by necessity, they then need to try to keep it together and build a new life. Devastated by loss, Peter doesn’t make things easy for them, and Loki and Tony struggle with their own grief and the responsibility of having someone completely dependant on them.

Chapter description:- Peter accepts his place at St Hendricks, but as the first day approaches, he feels like he’s made a horrible mistake

Story warnings/themes: character death, hurt/comfort, trauma, grief, depression/mental health issues, bullying, corporal punishment

Relationships: Frostiron (Loki x Tony) (romantic), Tony and Peter (platonic), Loki and Peter (platonic)

From the same AU as Called To Be A Rock

Chapter 16 - It’s Complicated But Understand Me

-

Tony let Peter think. He was busy thinking too, but more about his absent husband and less about the school. To him, the school was easy. It was a great school and they wanted Peter. Giving the kid a choice was a bit of a trust exercise: he knew that if he had any sense, he'd accept the place. 

Loki was far more tricky. He'd sent a few postcards, all with impersonal messages, and from locations with little to no correlation. At first it had seemed like a redo of the honeymoon, but soon the postcards came from other places. He never wrote more than a sentence, and he never gave a return address.

Tony didn't know where to start. Loki had, on occasion, disappeared for a day or two. But when he did this, he always took his phone, kept in touch, and told Tony exactly where he was. He never went out of the country without prior notice, and he had never done anything like this before. Tony couldn't guess where he was going to go next. Truthfully, he wanted to leave him to it, let him sort himself out. But, he also wanted more than one line scribbled in a different language on a postcard. He wanted to know he was ok. He wanted to know that he was definitely coming back soon. He'd promised in his initial letter, but that didn't mean anything. Even if he kept to his promise, he might not be back for years. That was something Tony had to face up to. His husband had walked out on him, and he didn't know if he was going to come back. And if he did come back, he didn't know whether he'd be back for good. 

- 

Peter spent most of Saturday and Sunday at the library. One benefit of not being at school was that he could go there. Tony never had a problem with it, provided that he was back at a reasonable time. Peter had grown fond of Abby, the librarian, and was happy spending his days talking to her, and sitting in the armchair reading and forgetting the world.

- 

On Sunday evening, Tony sat down in the kitchen with Peter. 

"Have you made a decision about St Hendricks yet?" 

Peter shrugged. He'd been trying not to think about it. 

"You know we have to let them know tomorrow. You need to decide. It's high time you were back at school anyway. You've been sitting around the house for long enough" 

"I haven't been sitting around the house: I've been at the library" Peter pointed out. 

"Don't be pedantic. Now, please, have another think about St Hendricks" he checked his watch. "It's six o' clock now. I want an answer by no later than eight. Ok?" 

Peter nodded. 

"Ok. Off you go, then" 

Peter went off to his room and flopped down on the bed. He thought about St Hendricks. He thought about the head teacher and the boarding master and the legality of corporal punishment and the uniforms and the social class. He thought about the science lab and the drama studio and the swimming pool and the locker room. He thought about the old wooden doors and the stone walls and the sports fields. 

And he thought about Tony. He might be pretending everything was ok, but Peter still heard him crying at night. He knew Tony was heartbroken. And he also knew he was doing his best despite that. He thought about the look on his face while they were looking round St Hendricks. He thought about how impressed and hopeful he had seemed. 

Part of Peter wanted to reject the school. He didn't want to be lumped in with a load of rich kids and strict teachers. He didn't want to sit in a classroom day after day pretending he cared about schoolwork and trying to keep up appearances. It would save Tony money too. Peter had seen the list of school fees they'd been given, and he'd been surprised and a little bit horrified to find just how much they were. He knew Tony was rich, unbelievably so, but he still didn't understand how he could be happy shelling out thousands of dollars a term for his education. Maybe he was mad. 

- 

Peter stayed quiet all through dinner. He stayed quiet while he washed up and helped tidy the kitchen. He stayed quiet when they went to the living room and put the telly on while Tony started looking at spreadsheets on his laptop. He kept an eye on the time. 

At eight o' clock, Tony closed his laptop and turned to the boy. 

"It's eight o' clock, sweetheart" 

Peter looked at him. He really, really didn't want to go. He swallowed hard, and opened his mouth to say so. 

"Ok" 

He surprised himself, and Tony looked at him. 

"Ok? Is that a yes?" 

Peter paused. He wanted so badly to shake his head. But he looked at Tony, and he knew just how disappointed he'd be if he did. So he nodded. 

"Yes. I-I'll accept the place" 

Tony moved his laptop aside and hugged the boy close. "We'll get you kitted out this week then, son" 

Peter rested his chin on Tony's shoulder and closed his eyes. This was a mistake, he just knew it. It would be just like the last school. 

- 

Peter did hope that Tony might change his mind. He woke up late on Monday morning, and went through to the kitchen, still half asleep. 

"It's all sorted" Tony said, smiling at him. "You're starting next Monday" 

"What?!" Peter exclaimed, suddenly wide awake. "But I'm not ready! It's too soon!" 

"Peter, darling. You've had time. Your bruises are mostly gone. We'll get your uniform and everything else this week, and we'll be fully prepared and ready for you to start"

"But-" 

"Ah, now don't argue with me. You have to start some time, and I rather think sooner is better than later" 

Peter tried to think of an excuse. "But what about Loki?" 

This comment stopped Tony in his tracks. He was quiet for a moment, but then swallowed very hard and looked at him properly. 

"We don't know when he's coming back, if at all" Tony said. "We can't wait around just so he can send you off in the morning. No, you'll start on Monday"

"No! I don't want to!" 

"Peter, you will start at St Hendricks on Monday morning and that's final!" 

He said it so firmly that Peter dare not argue. 

"I'll drive you, of course. It's a little far to walk, so it'll be lifts every day" Tony said. "They'll need to go through some stuff with you on Monday morning so we'll aim to get there early. Hey, I'm up to date with my work, so maybe we should go out now and get a few bits" 

"Oh. Um, well, I was gonna go the the library" 

"Ok, ok. Tomorrow then?" 

Peter nodded. He supposed they'd have to go sooner or later. 

- 

The next few days were an uncomfortable mad rush. Tony had a great time - Peter did not. He was pushed from shop to shop and grew more and more stressed by the minute. He got stroppy with Tony, but Tony didn't let it put him off. He stayed calm and fairly happy for three days of shopping, excited by the prospect of Peter starting at a school like St Hendricks. 

On Thursday night, Peter sat on the bed and looked at all of his new things. He felt that, by rights, he should be excited. But he wasn't. He looked at his new shoes and satchel and pencil case and stationary set. He looked at his new notebook and water bottle and trainers and football boots. He looked at his tennis and badminton rackets, at his lacrosse and hockey sticks and his various PE uniforms. He looked at his actual uniform, hung up on the wardrobe, with its painfully smart shirt and trousers, it's burgundy and navy striped blazer, and its tie. There was no mistaking that it was anything other than a private school uniform. He was adamant that he'd never wear the hat. 

He looked at all the extras, the new socks and underwear and an expensive wrist watch. He looked at the towel and PE kit bag and the hand sanitiser and box of plasters and gloves and boiled sweets. He looked at his new wallet and tin of shoe polish. 

And he hated all of it. 

- 

With all the shopping done, Peter escaped and went to the library on Friday. Abby quickly realised he was upset. 

"What's the matter, chicken?" 

"I'm starting school on Monday. Dad's gone and got me a whole load of new stuff. I know I should be grateful, and I kinda am, but I just, I'm just..."  

"Scared?" 

Peter nodded. "What if it all goes wrong?" 

"What if it doesn't?"

Peter blinked. "I really don't want to go" 

"I know, chicken. But you don't have a choice. You need your education" 

"I know. But I don't think I can. Everything is still so difficult" 

"You need to let yourself heal" she gave him a hug. "When my Martha died, God rest her soul, I spent a long time refusing to recover. Once you make the decision to move on, it'll get easier. It will still hurt, and you'll still miss her, of course you will. But it will move to the back of your mind. Maybe having something to occupy yourself will help" 

"I hope you're right...”

“But you don’t think I am, do you?”

Peter shrugged slightly. “It’s all so hard. I didn’t realise I was so weak until it happened”

“I don’t think you’re weak. You’re allowed to struggle, and you’re allowed to grieve”

Peter sighed. “I wish I didn’t have to go. I’m just fed up”

“Of course you are. Is that why you come here? To escape from it all?”

“Kind of. Being here, that first time, it was the happiest I’d felt since the accident. It’s kinda comforting... It is an escape though. I don’t like home much right now. I’ve got to go to the doctors this afternoon too. I don’t want to do that either”

“We all have to do things we don’t want to do. Sometimes those things we don’t want to do turn out to be for the best. You just have to stick at it. Things do get better, you know”

-

Tony picked Peter up from the library in time to take him to the doctors for his jabs. In the car on the way home, he brought up one of Peter’s most hated subjects.

“The school has registered you with their on-site therapist”

“What?! But dad, I said I don’t want to talk to anyone!”

“Yes, and that’s exactly why I think you should. It really does help. You’ll have two sessions a week, and then it’ll go down depending on your progress”

Peter stared at him. “Please don’t do this! Call them up and say you’ve changed your mind”

“No. Now stop arguing. It’s about time you learnt how to do as you’re told”

Peter folded his arms over his chest and turned away from him. Tony sighed.

“Look, sometimes when I make you do things you don’t want to do, it really is for the best. We need to be proactive about your recovery” 

Peter didn’t say anything.

“Look, kid, I care about you. I’m only trying to do what’s best”

“Have you had any more postcards?”

Tony sighed heavily. “The postman hadn’t been when I left”

-

The postman had been when they returned to the house. There was a padded envelope on the doorstep. Tony opened it, and found another smaller padded envelope, addressed to Peter. 

“Here, this is yours” he handed it to the boy, taking the postcard out of the big envelope.

It wasn’t quite a postcard, although the back was set out like one. It was a photograph of Pooley Bridge. There was no real message this time, just ‘Loki xxx’ written on the back.

“What does it say?” Peter asked.

Tony showed him. “What’s in yours?”

“Oh. Um”

Peter opened the envelope, and found a big bag of flying saucer sweets. A note on scrap paper was taped to it, which read ‘sorry’ in Loki’s familiar writing. Peter read that one word over and over.

“He hasn’t forgotten” Peter said eventually. 

“No” Tony said, looking back at the photograph in his hand. “He hasn’t”

-

Peter lost it on Sunday night. Absolutely, flat-out, lost it. 

“Hey hey hey, come on now, what’s all that noise about?” Tony hugged him tight, rubbing his back. “Come on now. Have you hurt yourself?”

“I don’ wanna go to school!”

“That’s what this is about?” Tony took a very deep breath. “Darling, come on, quiet now. It’s gonna be fine. There won’t be another Ryan”

“How do you know?!”

“I just do”

He didn’t, of course: he just hoped. He needed Peter to settle. He was willing to look after him, but all of the disturbed nights from Peter’s nightmares were beginning to take their toll.

“Listen to me, Peter. If you keep convincing yourself that it’s going to be horrible and that you’ll hate it, then it will be, and you will. So you need to go in with an open mind. It could be fun?” he tried.

“How could it possibly be fun?” Peter cried. “I don’ wanna go to some jolly-hockey-sticks posh-nob school”

“You’ve already accepted the place. You’re going. I know you’re scared, and I know you’re hurting, but you haven’t got a choice. Come on, stop crying now. You need to have a bath and an early night”

“What’s the point?”

“Peter, don’t be difficult” 

“I’m not being difficult!”

“Yes, you are” Tony said, holding him at arms length. “Stop”

Peter sniffed, wiping his eyes and nose on his sleeve. He kept his hand up by his mouth, trying to calm down. 

“Breathe” Tony went over to the sink, filling him a glass of water. “Here”

Peter took the glass and took a gulp.

“Ah, you’ll give yourself hiccups. Just sip it. Slowly”

Peter did as he was told. He was tired out.

“Good. Right. Sit down”

Peter did. Tony sat next to him, stroking his hair back over his sweaty forehead.

“You’re so thin now, son” he said sadly. “What happened to my sparky little lad who could quite easily eat me out of house and home?”

“A building fell on his head”

Tony flinched slightly. “Peter. It’s nearly April now”

Peter knew what he was getting at. The accident had happened nearly three months ago. Sometimes it felt like much longer. Sometimes it felt like it had only happened last week.

“The therapy sessions will help” Tony said. “You’ll get better. I just think you need some help”

“What if I never get better?”

“You will. I did. And... Loki did... You’re allowed to move on, you know”

“I thought I was dead”

Tony drew his hand back. “What?”

“When I woke up. And it was all cloudy and foggy and dusty and there were flashing lights and unrecognisable voices and everything felt heavy”

Tony squeezed his shoulder.

“I texted Ned today” Peter said. “I don’t know why. I hadn’t replied for ages”

“What did you say?”

Peter took his phone out, opening the right message and showing it to him. 

[Ned] Flash asked after you today! D: o: 

[Peter] Hey Ned. Sorry I haven’t been replying. I’m not trying to cut you off. I’m just having a hard time. I’m not coming back to Midtown. I went to another school for a while but it didn’t work out. I’m starting another one on Monday. Hope everything is ok with you

[Ned] It’s good to hear from you! Good luck on Monday! Maybe we can meet up soon? 

“You haven’t replied to this last one”

“I couldn’t think of what to say. I never can” 

Tony handed him the phone back. “Go and have your bath”

-

Peter would let Tony say goodnight. He slammed his bedroom door and insisted on being left alone. As he attempted to settle down and sleep, his mind was filled with the book he’d just finished. He’d found it on Loki’s shelves in the reading nook, a childs book about two girls who move to a boarding school with their parents. He’d started it because of the school, but got more than he bargained for. The final twist saw the death of one of the sisters as she plummeted from the school tower, and this swamped Peter’s mind. He’d cried reading the final chapter, and he screwed his face up now, trying to block out the feeling of falling. 

He fell asleep, but the story invaded his subconscious. Looking back, he wasn’t sure if, in the dream, he was experiencing it, or if he was the girl from the book. He was tangled in hot and cold, balancing precariously, the evening wind blowing in his face as the window disappeared. He heard the screams, saw the bright flashes from fireworks filling the sky. The crowd shrieked, and he shouted to let them know it was only him, tugging the shawl from his head, tugging too hard - wobbling, slipping, falling. All in a second, he watched the tower window get further away, watched the ground get closer, seeing his death, terrified, screaming - 

Peter woke up, tangled in his bedding, still screaming in the pitch black, trapped between dream and reality, unable to see, unable to breathe, unable to see what was real and what was not.

In an instant strange light flooded the room, hands untangled him from the quilt and pulled him close. 

“Hey, ok, ok darling, I’ve got you, you’re ok”

“No! No! Help, please help, don’t let me fall! I’m sorry, Pearl! Help!!” Peter screamed.

Tony held him tight, stroking his hair firmly. “It was just a dream. It was only a dream. I’ve got you. You’re safe, Peter. You’re safe with me”

Peter stopped screaming, coming back to reality, and starting to sob instead. Tony rocked him, trying to calm here.

“There now, sweetheart. Shh. It was just a dream”

He couldn’t help thinking that something had to be done about these nightmares. He knew Peter would refuse a doctors appointment, but maybe he’d have to force him, just this once. It wasn’t that he was fed up comforting and looking after the boy; it was just that the disturbed nights were wearing him out. 

-

Once Peter had stopped crying, Tony gently pushed him off his lap so they could talk face-to-face. 

“There now. Are you alright?”

Peter wiped his face with his sleeve and said nothing. 

“Sweetheart. Talk to me”

“I’m so scared... I can’t go to this school, I just can’t”

“What happened in your nightmare?” 

Peter turned his head away. He didn’t want to talk about it, and Tony realised this.

“Ok. Whatever it was, it was just a dream. Nothing more” he checked his watch. “It’s late, and you’ve got to be up in the morning. Let’s get you a drink and then see if you can get back to sleep”

-

Peter had his drink and sat quietly with the empty glass in his hands. Tony gave him a quick hug.

"Ok, back to sleep now” he said, standing up and taking the glass from him. “You need the rest” 

Peter swallowed hard. “I can’t do this” 

Tony sighed. “You’ve gotta go to school, kiddo. Look, it was just a dream. You’re fine. Go back to sleep”

“I can’t stop thinking about it”

“The nightmare?”

“The book”

“Which book?”

Peter picked a book up from the floor, handing it to him. Tony vaguely recognised it. Loki had read it before, he was sure. He flicked through the pages, catching a few words about boarding schools and attic rooms. He flicked to the back, reading the final event and skim-reading the aftermath. He sighed heavily.

“This is a kids book, an absolute work of fiction, and you’re letting it dictate your feelings towards St Hendricks. Please, just be reasonable. Reading drama books and making silly stereotype-based assumptions is so counterproductive. You’re just working yourself up into a silly state over nothing”

“It might be a drama but it’s not fantasy! It could happen, you know it could!”

“No it couldn’t. Now stop being so silly. You’ve been offered a place at a prestigious private school - which you accepted - which will set you up for life. It’s an incredible opportunity and you need to understand how lucky you are to be presented with it”

“That’s what they said in the book” Peter mumbled.

“Will you just forget the silly book, please?” he turned the book over in his hands, glancing at the blurb. “Next time you want to read something, bring it to me first so I can decide whether or not it’s suitable. I don’t care if it’s kids books; if they’re giving you nightmares, I’m not letting you read them”

“The thought of school is what’s giving me nightmares”

“The sooner you start your lessons and counselling sessions, the better. Settle down. I’m going back to bed soon” 

“I don’ wanna be alone...” Peter whimpered, knuckling his eyes.

Tony sighed. “Ok, alright, alright. I’ll stay with you”

He made Peter lie down and climbed into bed beside him, tucking him in and holding him close. 

“Now go to sleep”

-

Peter felt sick when he woke up. Truly, dreadfully sick. His head was banging, his throat was sore, his mouth was dry, and he felt weird and shaky.

“Let’s get your breakfasted” Tony said. “Before you get dressed. I don’t want you spilling stuff all down your new uniform”

Peter looked at his uniform, set out waiting for him. It made him feel even worse.

“I don’t feel well...” he croaked.

“You’re just nervous. You’ll feel better with a full stomach, trust me. Come on, get up! Big day today!”

Peter stayed where he was, shivering. Tony felt his forehead.

“You’re fine. We’ll have breakfast, and then you can have a quick wash and get dressed. We’ve got plenty of time yet”

-

Peter felt a lot less ill after having breakfast and a wash, but he still felt sick with nerves. He was scared, and he didn’t know how to deal with it, so he kicked off. 

“Peter, how many times? You’re going whether you like it or not”

“Well I don’t like it! I don’t wanna go to school with a bunch of toffee-nosed twats!”

“Peter! How many times do I have to tell you not to swear? I should wash your mouth out with soap” he shook his head. “Now go and get into your uniform”

“No! I don’t want to do this! It’s not fair!” 

Tony looked at him, feeling fed up. He knew he was playing up because he was upset and scared. The tears in his eyes were proof enough of that. Still, it wasn’t the best time for him to kick off. Tony grabbed him and dragged him to his room.

“Ow! Hey, what are you doing?”

“Well, if you won’t get into your uniform yourself, then I’ll do it for you”

-

Within a couple of minutes, Tony had managed to quench Peter’s anger. With the boy calm (but still crying delicately), Tony managed to coax him into his school clothes. Peter stood awkwardly, shuffling inside his new uniform. 

“I don’t like it. Why does it have to be so tight?”

“It’s not tight, Peter: it’s fitted. You look good, like a proper little gent. Hey, do your top button back up! Stand up straight, lets get a proper look at you” he twitched Peter’s uniform, tweaking his collar and straightening his tie and blazer. “There. Put your hat and shoes on”

“I’m not wearing the hat”

“Oh, go on; it’ll be dead cute”

“I’m not wearing the hat”

“Fine, fine. Get your shoes on then” 

He picked up Peter’s new satchel, checking the contents and nodding approvingly. 

“Why did we have to get a satchel?” Peter asked, wrinkling his nose as Tony did the straps back up. “I’m used to backpacks”

“It’s a backpack satchel” Tony pointed out. “You can wear it just the same. It’s just loads nicer”

Peter looked at the thin straps and buckle closings on the brown leather. Tony saw his face.

“It’s a lovely bag! Don’t you like it? It's a proper bag, not one of your chainstore rubbish ones that only lasts five minutes”

Peter knew. He’d been there when they’d bought it. Tony hadn’t blinked handing over $250 for the simple bag (“It’s real leather, a proper Cambridge Satchel Company bag”). Peter had objected, saying the $10 ones he always had were more than good enough, but Tony had said that if he was going to a proper posh school, he should have the bag to match. He hadn’t given him much say in any of his school supplies. Peter tried hard not to be ungrateful, but he didn’t like the satchel, or a lot of the other stuff. He still found it hard to understand how Tony could spend so much money on a single item without blinking. 

- 

"It's freezing out there today. Where did you put your new coat?" 

Peter whined quietly. The duffel coat Tony had bought him was another hated item. He'd shoved it in the back of the shoe cupboard, hoping Tony wouldn't remember it. 

"Can't I just wear a hoodie?" 

"Certainly not! I don't think hoodies are St Hendricks approved. Your new coat is lovely. Where is it?" 

"In the shoe cupboard" 

"Go and get it, then!" 

Peter didn't have a choice. He retrieved the coat, holding it over his arm. 

"Put it on then" Tony said. 

"Do I have to?" 

"Yes. Come on, you can't go out without a coat, not on a day like today" 

Peter reluctantly pulled the coat on. Tony did the buttons and toggles up for him.

"It looks good!" 

Peter wasn't convinced. "I look like Oliver Tate" 

Tony laughed. Peter undid the buttons and toggles, adjusting the coat edges. He looked at himself in the mirror. It was certainly better undone. He kept looking at himself, in his smart shoes and uniform and posh coat. He didn't look like himself at all. 

"Hey, don't cry!" Tony pulled him close. "I know, you're nervous" 

"I don't want to go! It doesn't feel right!" he went to wipe his eyes with his sleeve, but Tony stopped him quickly. 

"Not on your sleeve! Here" he felt in Peter's front blazer pocket, pulling out the handkerchief Loki had given him, and dabbing at the boys face. "You don't want soggy cuffs on your new uniform" 

"I can't use that in school!" 

"Of course you can! All the other kids will. Come on now, stop crying. You don't want to turn up with red eyes now, do you?" 

Peter focused on his breathing, and after a few minutes he was quiet. Mostly. Tony kissed his nose. 

"Right, I think we'd better be going soon" Tony said. "Did you brush your hair this morning?" 

"Um.." 

Tony grabbed a comb and dragged it through Peter's hair. 

"Oooowww! You're pulling my head off!" 

"Don't be such a drama queen. It's all knotted. Honestly Peter, have the gorilla's been at it in the night?" 

"I don't know, have you?" 

"Oi! Cheeky! Hold still, will you? It'll take longer if you keep wiggling" 

Peter whined and stopped struggling. It felt like Tony was carving grooves into his skull with the comb, and he was relieved when he stopped. 

"There" Tony said. "Much better" 

"Is it?" 

"Yes. Now" he picked up Peter's satchel and handed it to him. "Let's get you to school" 

- 

Peter sat in the car with the posh satchel on his lap, looking down at his highly polished shoes. Everything about it felt so wrong. 

When they parked up in front of the school he felt like he really might throw up. It was eight thirty. Tony had said they'd been told to get there early. They had things to sort out, he said. 

"Good morning Peter, Mr Stark" Mr Pipe-Fowler greeted them at reception. 

He had another student with him, a pretty girl in the top year with long blonde hair and a big smile. Her short skirt showed off a lot of long, thin leg. Peter looked up at Mr Pipe-Fowler instead. 

"My, my, you really are nervous!" he said, looking at the trembling boy before him. "Now, I've got something for you" 

He handed Peter an A4 size whiteboard, thick with wooden edges, and a four-pack of dry erase markers; black, blue, red, and green. Peter took it, struggling to keep hold of it he was shaking so much. He looked at Tony for answers. 

"We understand you're non-verbal" Mr Pipe-Fowler continued. "So you can use the whiteboard to communicate with us. Now, these are also for you" he handed him a ring bound school planner, and a timetable. "We do things by week here. You'll notice that your timetable is split into week one and week two. It's always advertised in reception which week it is, so you shouldn't get stuck. This week is week one, so you'll be looking at the top timetable. Please take care of your planner. All of your homework slips and important notices will need to go in there. Now, I believe you've been told about seeing Miss Marns?" 

Peter looked at Tony again, but Mr Pipe-Fowler answered. 

"She's our on-site therapist" he said. "We've put you down for two sessions a week right now. Mondays and Thursdays. You'll be delivered a note telling you where to go for it" 

Peter looked at his feet. He felt embarrassed having it talked about to openly, especially in front of the girl, who was still by the headmasters side. 

"Now, Peter, I'd like you to meet Alison. She's going to be your Big Sister" 

Peter looked up, and Alison grinned at him. 

"Hey, Little Brother!" 

Even Tony seemed confused now. "Big Sister?" he questioned. 

"It's something of a scheme we use when people join us mid-term. At the start of a term, the children tend to learn their way around together with the maps, (there's one on the back of your timetable), but of course this doesn't happen with single children joining. Alison here will show Peter around, taking him to and from lessons, letting him get to know the layout for the first three days. On the last two days of the week, she will see him in the morning and afternoon, and after that, twice a week to see how he's getting on. She'll look after him" 

"Oh, I see" Tony said. "Well, that sounds like a good idea to me" 

"You'll be in form H3, Peter" he said. "Alison here will guide you" he checked his watch. "It's nearly time for registration. Say goodbye to your father now"

A big part of Peter wanted to scream and shout and cling to Tony and refuse to let go. But he was shaking so much he could hardly move, and his eyes were so filled with tears that he could hardly see. Peter looked at Tony. Behind them, he saw a girl about his own age hugging her father goodbye. No one made fun of her or started shouting things. Peter swallowed very hard and hugged Tony as tight as he could with full hands. He started crying properly, burying his face in his chest.

“I’ll pick you up again after school” he held him at arms length. “No tears, please”

Peter couldn’t help it. He didn’t want to be left here, not on his own. He wanted to go back to the house. 

“Right, be good” Tony kissed Peter’s forehead. “I’ll see you after school”

He chucked him under the chin, bid farewell to Mr Pipe-Fowler, smiled at Alison, and left Peter in their capable hands.

-

Mr Pipe-Fowler wished Peter luck, told him to smile, and left him with Alison. Alison put an arm round his shoulders and hugged him.

“First days are tough” she said. “I joined mid-term, just like you, in the first year. The thought of starting is always worse than the reality”

Peter didn’t say anything. He went to wipe his eyes on his sleeve, thought better of it, and used his handkerchief instead. 

“So, you’re in H3″ she said, walking along with her arm still round him. “Your form tutor is Mrs Hathersage. She’s lovely. She teaches English, and she covers Performing Arts sometimes too. I don’t think she teaches your form though” 

Peter looked at his new white board and pens. He supposed it was a good idea. He thought he should probably write a message to Alison, but he didn’t feel like saying anything at all. He was too scared. Alison didn’t seem to mind. She chatted away to him as she guided him to the H3 form room. 

She didn’t knock, just pushed the door open. The lady stood behind the desk smiled at them.

Alison grinned. “I’ve got your newest form member!” 

“Oh yes, Peter Parker, isn’t it?” She smiled, holding a hand out to Peter. “I’m Mrs Hathersage. I’ll be your form tutor”

Peter shook hands even though he didn’t really want to. He felt ok under Alison’s arm, but meeting new people still felt like a dreadful thing. He glanced round the room. It was surprisingly empty, with less than half of the seats taken. No one was really looking, too absorbed in their own conversations. 

“We’re a bit thin on the ground right now, as you can see” Mrs Hathersage said. “Half the class are away on the Spanish trip. They’ll be back for lessons next week”

Alison gave Peter a quick squeeze. “I’ve got to go and register in my own form, but I’ll be back to take you to your first lesson”

Mrs Hathersage smiled at her. “Thank you, Ali. I’ll see you soon”

Alison gave Peter one final squeeze and skipped off, waving as she went. Peter looked at the space where she’d been, and slowly back to Mrs Hathersage. He could feel everyone looking at him now. It was only a matter of time before things went wrong. He stood there not knowing what to do, shaking like a leaf, tears still in his eyes.

He felt so alone.

*

[sleeplessnightwithphan]

On The Early Morning Train

Summary: Nobody likes having to commute to their job in a packed train in the morning. Dan was no exception to that rule: he hated it with a passion. ( Ok, maybe the gorgeous looking guy who always sat opposite him made it -slightly- more bearable and Dan might even enjoy that bit about his day. But still.)

Genre: Fluff, angst(?)

Word Count: 3.5K

TW: None? Are there actually none? What is happening to me?

A/N: Special thanks to @rosaflagephil and @auroraphilealis for helping me turn this fic into something actually written in the english language. Ily guys <3

This fic is just me cementing my train kink to be honest. I have no idea how that became my branding, but I decided to embrace it, so yeah. This is the result. 

Read on AO3: X

Morning commutes used to be the thing Dan dreaded the most in his life.

Dan worked in a big law firm in central London that was slowly but surely draining his will to live out of him. But with the rental prices in the city centre being an arm and a leg, he couldn't quite afford to live anywhere near the big dark building he was employed in. Because of this, he had to rent an apartment on the outskirts of the city (that was still horribly overpriced if you asked him) and take the train to the centre every morning.

Of course, Dan wasn’t the only commuter who had this idea.

Every morning, when the train arrived in his station, it was awaited by an entire platform filled with men wearing dull suits and women carrying briefcase in their hands.

Dan used to take the train half an hour later, but he would have to spend the entire way trapped between other people. Being slightly agoraphobic, he'd started hating going to work even more than he had before.

But one day, when he was complaining about this to a coworker, she had told him that the earlier train was much less full. Ok, there were still a lot of people on it, but you could actually sit, and it was just a much more relaxing way to begin the day.

That was how Dan found himself at the train station every morning 40 minutes earlier than he would necessarily have to be. The getting up earlier was something he would gladly do in order to get rid of the overly stressful starts to his day.

And he had to say, his coworker had been right. Since he'd started taking the earlier train, he hadn't had to stay upright even once so far. He'd still had to sit next to a stranger, but at least now he could enjoy his cup of coffee (which he really needed in the morning - Dan was a bit of a night owl) without risking it being knocked out of his hands by someone.

Or at least, so he'd thought.

There he was one morning, just sipping from his coffee and checking his twitter, when all of a sudden the cup was launched from his hands and the contents splashed all over his white shirt.

"Oh no, oh no, oh no, I'm so sorry!" a deep voice exclaimed, but Dan wasn't really looking in front of him to address the person standing there. He was too busy searching for some tissues to try and contain the damage done to his clothes (thank god the coffee had had some time to cool down).

"I'm so sorry, I just wanted to sit down on the seat here, please, oh my god, I'm so sorry, oh no, your shirt, oh god what have I done? " the guy continued to babble, and in his peripheral vision Dan could see him sitting down and reaching out to give him some tissues to clean up.

Dan wasn't exactly angry with this guy though, a coffee stain on his shirt wasn't the end of the world. Besides, there was no point in holding a grudge against the guy, knowing this was something that Dan could've done to someone too - and honestly, Dan was quite surprised it hadn't happened yet.

"Don't worry about it too much, it's alright I suppose, I... " Dan looked up to take the tissues from the other guy, but felt the words getting stuck in his throat when he had a proper look at him.

Sitting in front of him, looking at him with a slight hint of panic in his eyes, was the prettiest guy Dan had ever had the pleasure of laying his eyes on. And Dan had gone home with a lot of beautiful men is his years, so that was saying something.

"Are you sure? Is there anything I can do, anything at all? Once again, I'm so so sorry, and I can't believe this happened. I mean, I know I'm clumsy and all that, but this is a new low, even for me," the guy spoke, smiling a bit, and Dan had to tell himself that no, he couldn't kiss those lips, no Dan, don't, you don't know him, stop.

"Yeah, it's alright, not really something you can do to help me anyway. And it's not like you intended to knock me over anyway. Or did you?" Dan smiled at the man, trying to show him that he really wasn't mad, maybe even trying to flirt a little bit - he wasn’t stupid enough to miss out on a chance like this. 

"Well, ok then I guess, " the man said, oblivious to the flirtatious undertone (or maybe just not addressing it in an attempt to not have to turn Dan down. Of course, knowing Dan’s luck, he should’ve seen that coming). And with that, he had seemingly calmed down enough to look at his phone and relax for the rest of the journey, leaving Dan alone with his daydreaming about the gorgeous man.

***

The next morning, Dan was just sitting on the train again, sipping his coffee once more, when someone sat down opposite him again.

"How much do I owe you?"

Dan was a little bit confused at first, but when he looked up, he saw that the same guy from yesterday was sitting in the seat, holding his wallet open in his hands and looking at him expectantly.

"How much do you owe me? What do you mean?" Dan asked, not exactly sure what he was getting at.

"How much do I owe you?  How much do I have to pay you?" the man stated as if it was the most obvious thing ever.

"Wait, you want to pay me? Why?"

The man sighted. "Because I spilled coffee on you, coffee that you paid for. And I ruined your shirt, which you need to get cleaned somewhere, and I know that that's not cheap. So, because it's my fault you had to spend that money, I should be repaying you."

Dan started laughing at this, making the other guy look at him in confusion.

"Oh please, no, you don't have to pay me. The coffee was almost empty anyway, and I have a washing machine so cleaning the shirt didn't cost me a penny." Dan answered, because how the hell would he be able to take this guys money? He'd only feel bad about it.

But the man seemed to be determined.

"No, no, no. I ruined your morning yesterday and I made you walk around the office all day with a gigantic coffee stain on your shirt. You had every right to scream at me yesterday, but you didn't. Which I appreciate by the way, but still. And now you're over here making excuses as to why I shouldn't be paying you back, but I still should. So please, just tell me how much I owe you, if not for you then just to give me some peace of mind."

He had to say, Dan was impressed with this guy's determination to pay him back. Sensing that he wouldn't give up until he had gotten an answer, he decided to just allow him to pay him back.

"The coffee cost me £4. And as for the cleaning of the shirt, that will cost you to stop apologising and tell me your name, ok?"

It took the other man a few seconds to react to what Dan had said, but it was long enough to allow Dan to start overanalyzing the entire situation. Had he just made things really awkward? Was this something that he wasn't expected to say? Had he messed this up?

But then the guy started laughing, and pulled the money out of his wallet.

"Here you go, that'll be the coffee. And my repayment for the shirt; my name is Phil."

***

After that day, Dan and Phil became fast friends.

Every morning, Dan would sit down on one of the seats in the second-to-last wagon, and every day Phil would come sit opposite him when he got on the train as well.

Dan learned that Phil got on the train a stop later than he did, and that he worked as a technician for the BBC radio 1 Breakfast Show. He learned that Phil had a brother called Martyn, a dog called Buffy, that he was lactose intolerant, that he loved horror films but also had a soft spot for real estate shows, and a bunch more random facts that he honestly didn't know how ended up in their conversations.

In exchange, Dan told Phil all about his boring job as a lawyer and his wishes to change his profession and actually do something he enjoyed, his latest Netflix obsessions, the things he had read about on his 2AM wikipedia odysseys, and anything he felt passionate about really.

They didn't speak anywhere besides their morning commutes though. The moment the train stopped and Dan and Phil had to get off, they went their separate ways; no texting, calling, social media messaging. No contact.

Until the following morning, when they would start over again.

Dan had thought about giving Phil his number, because he was feeling things for Phil that might not have been strictly platonic anymore.

He started to want to text Phil about the things he saw in his day-to-day life that reminded Dan of him (which happened a lot nowadays). Send him a link to a funny video, a picture of a dog he saw on his walk to the office, anything really.

But then one day, Phil brought up how he and his girlfriend watched a certain Netflix show together, and Dan had to try his best to not let the disappointment and hurt show on his face.

After that, he decided that it would be easier not to get too attached and just keep his friendship with Phil contained within the walls of the train, where he would be able to control them better.

***

It had been 4 months since Dan and Phil had met on the train, and they had sat together every day since without ever skipping a trip.

Which is why it took Dan a minute to realise that Phil hadn't come in today.

Instead, there was a young woman sitting in his seat. Dan was about to tell the girl the seat was taken, when he saw that the station they were currently in was already the third one on their way to London, and Phil should've already gotten on.

Maybe he was sick? Maybe he overslept, and missed the train? Or maybe he had a day off?

Although Dan wasn't really all that happy about it, he had to remind himself about the fact that he couldn't possibly be mad at Phil about this. The guy had no way of contacting Dan, in the end. It had been his idea to keep their "thing" bound to the train and their morning commute.

Besides, Phil would probably be back on the train tomorrow.

Except he wasn't.

The next day, the seat in front of him was taken by a random person as well. And the day after that.

It had been 2 weeks since Dan had last seen Phil. And every day, he lost a bit more hope over seeing him again.

And even though he wouldn't admit it to himself at first, he really started to regret never giving Phil any way of contacting him.

***

Like every morning, Dan was sat down in the wagon he always took place in. He had toyed with the idea of moving into a different wagon a few times, but somehow he always ended up right here, where he used to see Phil every day.

The train had left the station a few minutes ago, and Dan was busy scrolling through Twitter, when out of the corner of his eyes he saw that someone sat down on the empty seat in front of him.

He looked up from his phone, out of curiosity more than anything, wanting to see who had taken so long to get from the door of the train to a seat - there were more than enough empty ones still, so it wasn’t like they had to roam down the entire train.

Dan was fully expecting a middle aged, grumpy looking man sitting opposite him, so he was extra surprised when he looked into two beautiful blue eyes, staring straight at him.

"Phil? Err, what, err... hi?" Dan stammered, not really sure what to say. This was the last thing he had been expecting when he had woken up this morning.

"Hi Dan, how are you?" Phil said, voice sounding apologetic, giving him a half smile.

But Dan wasn't in the mood for small talk. Honestly, he was trying his best to contain the urge to start shouting at Phil like he wanted to.

"What... what are you doing here? I haven't seen you in weeks!" Dan eventually managed to say, still feeling very mixed emotions over seeing Phil sitting there again.

Letting out a sigh, Phil looked down at his hands, which were toying with a loose thread on his jeans.

"I know I just disappeared, but I had no way to contact you and tell you what had happened. It's kind of a long story to be honest, and I don't think it's something we can talk about on the train either." Phil looked back up at Dan, giving him a half smile.

"Is there any possibility that we could meet up some time, so that I can explain everything to you?"

And of course, Dan agreed to that.

***

Which is how Dan found himself going from not having seen Phil in weeks to being invited to his apartment for dinner the next day.

They had in fact exchanged numbers this time, but Dan still felt like he shouldn't text Phil, however much he wanted to. He wanted to hear the reason why Phil had disappeared first.

Dan arrived at Phil's front door 15 minutes too early, but he was still in the process of knocking when the door swung open to reveal Phil standing there.

"Hi there Dan, did you manage to find it well? I'm cooking lasagna, but I still have to put it in the oven so it's gonna be another half an hour before we can eat. You can just go sit down in the lounge and I'll come join you in a bit," he said, stepping aside as to invite Dan in, before disappearing to go to what Dan assumed to be the kitchen.

Phil's apartment was, in a way, exactly how Dan had imagined the place would look, but also  completely different. There were pops of colours everywhere, nerdy trinkets scattered all around the lounge, a complete mismatch of patterns and materials that somehow still worked together. Basically, the place was Phil translated into furniture.

But what Dan hadn't been expecting was the sense of being at home that he immediately got when he walked through the door. The feeling of being safe and secure, the sense of not wanting to leave. A feeling he never got with his own place, even though he had been living there for 2 years already.

Dan had been sitting in the lounge on his own for about 5 minutes when Phil walked back in, carrying 2 cups of tea. He handed Dan a mug in the shape of Hello Kitty before sitting down on the couch next to him.

"So, how have you been?" Phil asked, attempting to make small talk, but his voice was laced with nervousness.

Not really in the mood to delay any longer, Dan decided to just get to the point immediately.

"Well, i've been alright really, except for the fact that you disappeared on me, but otherwise I've been doing fine." Dan said, being the sarcastic little shit he always was. But he did regret saying that a little when he saw Phil's facial expression fall, and he could see the guilt and hurt on his face. Maybe he had overdone it a little bit.

"I guess I owe you an apology for that, right? Oh well, might as well get to it." Phil said before putting his tea down and turning to face Dan.

"Long story short, I have had a few changes in my life recently. Things that I really didn't see coming, and which have made me have to switch a few things up. The first thing that happened is that me and my girlfriend broke up."

Phil paused for a moment, and Dan didn't know if he should be happy with this news or feel sad, because it meant that he might have a small chance of getting Phil, but it was clearly something that was hurting Phil.

"We hadn't really been together for that long, only a few months," Phil continued, "but the problem was that she was a coworker on the breakfast show. She was kind of my boss. And we didn't really end things... amicably, so to speak. She had been cheating on me pretty much the entire time we were together"

Dan, sensing that Phil was having troubles speaking about this, reached out and took Phil's hand in his, softly stroking his knuckles. He smiled up at Phil encouragingly, which caused Phil to smile a little bit back.

“I ended up being transferred away to the evening show, because she didn’t want me around anymore.” He continued. “It’s a nice job. My coworkers are much more fun, and I don’t have to come in as early anymore so commuting is a lot easier.”

“What do you mean, those early morning trains weren’t the best bit of your day? Full trains are the best thing there is, aren’t they?” Dan joked, hoping to get Phil to smile a little bit. But Phil only ended up looking at him with more intent, more seriously.

“That’s the problem here, Dan. Those early morning commutes were made a lot more bearable because of your presence. I even maybe looked forward to them a bit. To your fatalistic humour and the little facts you would tell me you only learned yourself the night before on one of your Wikipedia Odysseys.”

Phil took Dan’s hand in his this time, sitting up straighter, and looking Dan directly in the eyes.

“And at first I didn’t really think anything of it, I just thought I liked you as a friend. But then when I wasn’t on the early trains anymore and I couldn’t reach you anymore, I found that I missed you so much. More than I probably should have. More than can be considered strictly platonic missing, if that makes sense.”

Phil’s face had become clouded over by something Dan thought to be fear, so Dan flashed him a big smile, mirroring what he was feeling inside, what was going through his head. Had Dan heard that correctly? More than strictly platonic? Was there any hope for them after all?

The smile apparently helped Phil to continue his story, looking a bit less frightened.

“And when I realised that, I knew i had to find you again and talk to you. I tried looking for you on facebook, but do you have any idea how many people called Dan Howell there are on that site? So then eventually I just decided to get on a train yesterday, to see if you were still there. Because I simply couldn’t deal with not seeing you anymore. I had to talk to you, had to tell you how I feel.”

And Dan, still grinning like an idiot, actually giggled at that. Because he was finding it harder and harder to contain his feelings.

“So, what do you say Dan? Would you maybe consider forgiving me for abandoning you? Perhaps I could pay you back by taking you on a date sometime soon,” Phil asked, a smile slowly spreading on his face too, and Dan couldn’t contain himself anymore.

He launched himself forward, throwing his arms around Phil’s neck, and pulling them close.

“Of course I will, you idiot,” he whispered into Phil’s neck, before pulling back a bit to look into Phil’s eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes that he never wanted to miss looking into again for even a single day. And then those eyes were getting closer, and they eventually closed as Phil pressed a shy kiss to Dan’s lips.

Somehow, that one shy kiss turned into kissing on the couch for half an hour, before they were startled by an alarm on Phil’s phone reminding them to take the lasagna out of the oven.

(It ended up being slightly burned, because it took them another 5 minutes to stop kissing long enough for Phil to get it out of the oven).

Seated at Phil’s table, in Phil’s apartment, eating the lasagne Phil had made, Dan decided he didn’t hate his morning commute as much anymore.

Because if not for that, he wouldn’t have met this wonderful person he was currently holding hands with.

[phan-tassssstic]

The bus boy

Words:1743 Ao3 link:http://archiveofourown.org/works/13911513 Summary: Phil misses his bus and a boy forgets his oyster, this was the best mistake of phils life I took the bus home every day, and i thought it would be like some kind of magical fairy tale as a kid, nope, just a miserable place where teens go when they can't drive, or your local elderly people. One day I was late for my bus an I had to go to the other one. I was walking onto the bus with my headphones in and my daily boost of Starbucks in my hand and i did what I had to do, tap oysters, say hi to pat the bus driver and get on. I sat in the seat just behind the bus driver looked out the window and took a sip of his coffee until the bus Stopped to the next stop. I unplugged my earbuds and looked at the load of people going on. About the same age as me, wearing a uniform similar to mine but the logo was different, I recognised it as I played a sports fixture against them a few months ago for football. There were 3 boys, one around 5'10 one 6'0 and one about his height 6'3 I stared at them all entering the bus until the taller one with crisped brown curly locks, chocolate brown eyes, slender fingers and a black backpack suddenly tuned very pale "Urm I lost my oyster..." He said to pat. The bus driver looked unamused and told the kid "Sorry boy, can't go on without a pass," the boy was even more in distraught. "Please, just one ride my house is miles away I can't possibly walk! And it's raining! Please!" He begged but pat wasn't having it. He was about to kick the kid off the bus! I knew that I had a Spare oyster. "Urm I have a spare oyseter," I said whist shuffling for it in my snazzy Spider-Man wallet,"here use it, it's my spare I have two," pat looked angry and slightly annoyed and the kid just smiled at me "Thank you so much," was all he could say. The man ran off to the back of the bus with the rest of his friends "Kid I know you're a nice guy but I get this all the time, don't be too nice ok? You're just gonna be in a loss," pat said with a sigh. I decided to do the most 'wisest' decision (well at the time I didn't realise where that would get me) I decided to talk to the boy. I nervously creeped up to their area and cleared my through "Hi I'm phil, um who are you,"I asked nervously "Well cause ya asked so nicely, I'm dan," he gave out a smile with those dimples..... "Oh hi dan," I said with a wave "These are my friends, pj an Chris," they both waved at me. I smiled in return and then noticed his bracelet. It was a LGBTQ one, only used by bottom males. I wave my wrist where my one was (for top males) and he was bound to have noticed as he had a grin on his face. "So phil I know nothing about you but here's my snap and my number. He proceeded to write his number and his snap chat on the paper and handed it to me. I put it in my pocket and smiled. 'Bus is stoping at, stratford station' "Well that's my cue to leave, good bye phil," he said and then he was gone with all his friends. I smiled at himself as i clenched the paper in my hand and decided as soon as I got home i would text him. As soon as i did get home i plopped his body on his bed and added his snap chat and added him as a contact. 'Hello Danny:)" i texted. I smiled as i instantly got a reply 'Who dis?" 'Phil ;)' 'Oh thanks again for giving me your oyster.' I forgot about that dan hasn't retuned it yet. 'Yeah when will I have that back?' I asked. There wasn't much money in there so i didn't really care he could of kept it. 'The day you marry to me :p' dan said I couldn't help but laugh but then i realised im never going to get my oyster back and it takes forever to get a new one 'Wow dan, now I wish I was on time for my first bus' 'Anyway, tell me about yourself daniel' 'Well I'm a nerd who likes anime, the colour black, dark clothes and being a semi-repressed-emo' 'Is that a real word?' 'Probably not :p' i smiled at that 'Well I like lions,muse, anime and movies' 'YOU LIKE muse XD aka the best band' 'Well it's great isn't it?" I said 'Oh and to say sorry let's go to Starbucks and get coffee tomorrow let's say the one next to arsenal stadium? Dw I'll pay XD' hummed and thought for a second 'What time?' asked '4?' 'Yeah why not' -----the next day------ "Hello dan," I said "Ah phil, what drink do you want?" "Caramel mochiato," I said without hesitation. "Coming up," dan joked as he went to order our coffees. This dan guy seemed cool. "So one coffee for you and one for me," "Thanks," I took a sip of my coffee and smiled. "So do you play video games?" "Yeah," "Wanna come to mine and play some?" Dan said. I agreed cause video games. "So how fars your house?" "Not far," he said ,"maybe a few minuets away, come on take your coffee get to the gamingggg," he said full of energy. I was happy with his energy, it was cute. "Ah no fair you cheated!" I said during our one millionth round of mario kart," "No you're just bad," he said whilst sticking his tongue out "You know dan," he made a huh noise and faced me," I think we are going to be good friends. He just smiled "I hope we do phil," he whispered,"I hope we do," -----10 years later------------- "Phil were's my pikachu socks!" Dan huffed whilst tipping our house upside down "I don't know darling," I said realising how cute but Sad it is when my boyfriend is mad over losing something nearly as bad as when he threw our passports in the bin,"I'm busy dan by the way, I booked dinner tonight at this new French place," "Why? It's not my birthday, it's not your birthday, it's not our anniversary and you're parents aren't coming down town till another year so what's it for," "Just something I wanted to try they have good food," I shrugged. Dan sounded happy by that," also dress nice it's a special place," I said with a grin "Ok sure," I stand In the mirror fixing my hair an taking a deep breath "Ok dan our cab awaits," I say whist locking into his arm. He kissed my cheek and giggled. The food was quite nice until dessert came. I passed a note to one of the waiters whilst dan went to the bathroom and they nodded and went straight back to the kitchen "So what's for dessert?" Dan said whilst scanning the menu. "I don't know," I was looking behind dan and saw the people with flowers placing them and they brought the cake. "So dan," I cough out "Yes phil? Are you ok? You're looking paler than normal," dan said "Yeah I'm fine it's just," I Took a deep breath,"dan you are such an amazing guy, you're strong, beautiful,smart but-" I was interrupted by dan "I get it, you wanna break up," he said "No no no the-" "No phil! I can see it! Why would you want to date such a usless chump!" He ran off out of the restaurant and I was left alone there. By the restaurant there was a river and that's where I saw dan "Dan," "Go away!" "Dan listen, please! Just a minuet," "Fine you have two minuets," "Thank you," "So dan, you're such an amazing person and i love you with all my heart, but I think it's time we should stop being boyfriends," dan looked like someone just died and before he could run I got down on one knee and pulled out a little red box," dan I don't want to be boyfriends anymore, I want to be husbands, so dan will you do the honour of marrying me?" I said hoping he'd say yes The now in tears boy stared at me and could barely speak words "Yes phil! Yes I will marry you," he give me a hug and I pulled him in for a kiss. I fitted his ring on and he squealed like a little child. "Phil," he said "Yes dan?" "Thank you for taking the wrong bus," he cried. I smiled at that. Seeing my fiancé infront of me with his smiley face made him look so beautiful It started to rain and the moon was shinning in the river as be linked hands and exchanged grins. ----the wedding day!----- It was our wedding day! Finally I can be married to Daniel howell the man who makes life so much better! As he was walking down the aisle my brother giggling with excitement as well as dans brother just rolling his eyes at how sappy weddings are (what a teen) and there he was infront of me, my beautiful Danny. We shared our vowes and the whole chapel was filled with cheers. When we got to our hotel room dan said something to me "Well a promise is a promise,"he said "What is? You never promised me anything it think?" Dan just laughed "No but," he reached for his pocket," here you go, I told you I'll give it back when you marry me," it was the oyster from 10 years ago I gave dan on the first day I met him "I think it still works and still has money in it," dan said "Do you wanna go somewhere?" I said Dan took a pause and thought "Soho cemetery," "Why? And at this time?" I asked dumb fondedly "The asshole who wouldn't let me on his bus is buried there,I'd like to thank him" he said I grinned. "Yeah, thanks for being an ass hole pat," I whispered after," thank you so so much," And that was the story of how I met Daniel James Lester

[bcboo]

What Price Would You Pay?

I was rewatching season 18 and this came to me. Probably not an overly original fic but there you go. 

Based before and around the events of Next Chapter in season 18.

Carisi is struggling with something alone, or at least alone until Barba gets a 2am phone call.

Also on Ao3

Rafael’s phone started ringing. He rolled over in bed and realised he was already awake. It was 2 o’clock in the morning and he was subconsciously expecting it. This was the fourth Friday night, well Saturday morning, in a row he’d received a call from a bartender he’d never met asking him if he knew a Sonny Carisi.

The first time it happened Rafael was barely awake and just grunted an answer. He’d then be told Sonny was at some bar too drunk to remember where he lived. Rafael’s number happened to be the last one he’d called, some work-related query earlier that day, and someone needed to pick Sonny up or the bartender would have to call the police. Rafael briefly considered letting that happen, he was never in the best frame of mind when he was woken up unexpectedly, but sense quickly got the better of him. Loath as he may be to admit it he liked and respected Carisi and saw a bright future ahead of him, it’d be ridiculous to ruin all that because the detective had had a few too many and his only crime seemed to be annoying the bartender.

That first night he dragged himself out of bed, muttering to himself angrily, threw on some clothes, dark trousers and the first jumper he could reach, grabbed his things and went to flag down a taxi. On the way to the bar he googled the place, he wanted to have a vague idea where he was heading to at this godforsaken time of the morning. It seemed like an average place, nothing fancy but not a dive. It didn’t look like a cop bar but Rafael didn’t know if that was good thing or a bad thing.

When he got there, there was a lot of activity on the street, it must have been closing time. He asked the taxi driver if he would wait but there was already three or four people trying to get the drivers attention for a ride home. Rafael made his way into the bar which was almost empty. There were a couple of people quietly finishing their drinks and Detective Carisi slumped over the end of the bar idly doodling on the worktop with his finger. His hair was a mess, that was the first thing Rafael noticed. He walked up to the bar and got the bartenders attention.

“Final orders are over mate.”

“No no, I’m Rafael Barba, I’m here for him.” He pointed to Carisi.

“Ah, good. He’s been here all night, he was fine til I cut him off, then he started getting pissy. I finally convinced him to go home and he can’t remember where home is.” The bartender took Carisi’s phone out from behind the bar and went to hand it to Rafael, but pulled it back before Rafael could take it. “As soon as his tab gets paid he’s all yours.”

“Did he forget how to use his card as well?”

“Genius forgot to bring it with him.” Rafael rolled his eyes, took out his wallet and handed over his credit card. He got a receipt and inwardly was horrified to see Sonny had spent so much money on such inferior alcohol. If it had been a more hospitable time of day he might have laughed at his own internal snobbery. The bartender handed over the phone.

“He’s all yours.”

Rafael walked over to Sonny, who hadn’t noticed him yet. He’d moved on from doodling to humming some tuneless nonsense and tapping along on the bar, still slumped.

“Carisi?” Nothing. Rafael waved a hand in front of Sonny’s face, that got his attention. He shot upright. Sonny’s tie was missing, the top few buttons of his shirt were undone, as was his waistcoat, his shirt was also coming untucked.

“Barb..Barba! Do you want a drink?” He went to get the bartenders attention but Rafael stopped him.

“No Carisi, it’s time to go home, you’ve already had enough to drink. Come on, up you get.”

“Urgh, fine.” Sonny just about managed to pull himself off the barstool, but it was quickly clear he wasn’t going to be able to walk without assistance. Rafael sighed and put Sonny’s arm over his shoulders, the detective instantly lent on him.

“Little tip.” Rafael said to the bartender who was watching them. “Cut someone off before they forget how to walk.” They slowly headed out the bar. Rafael hoped the cool air would sober Sonny up a bit but it made no difference. They got to the curb and once they stopped Sonny put all his weight on Rafael, the lanky detective almost fell forward so Rafael put his hand firmly against Sonny’s chest to keep him upright.

“Alright Carisi, I’m going to get us a taxi, do you remember where you live yet?” Sonny looked up at nothing, he squinted and Rafael could almost see the cogs in his brain going around. He hated to admit it but it was very cute.

“errrr….no. It’s a flat, I think, it’s brown?”

“A brown apartment building? In New York? Thank you detective, that’s very useful. I’d say don’t give up the day job but maybe you should consider a change.” He flagged down a taxi and came to an annoying realisation. “Looks like you’ll be sleeping on my couch tonight.” Rafael had no idea where Sonny lived and he wasn’t going to call any of the others at this time of night. Sonny would have to sober up at his apartment and slink home in the morning.

The rest of that first night was uneventful. Rafael poured Sonny into the taxi. Sonny spent the journey humming more nonsense and half singing along. He couldn’t handle stairs so Rafael was very grateful the elevator in his building had recently been fixed. He just about managed to get Sonny to take off his jacket before he passed out on the couch. Rafael found a blanket for him, left a glass of water on the coffee table and went to bed. By the time he woke up Sonny had gone. The following week Sonny avoided eye contact with Rafael on the rare occasion they saw each other, but didn’t say anything about what happened. Not even an apology which had annoyed Rafael. Sonny probably didn’t even remember he hadn’t been able to pay his tab, Rafael was tempted to hand Sonny the receipt without saying a word to see how he’d react but there was no need to embarrass him.

The second and third time it happened much the same way, different bars, and Sonny had some cash on him the second time but still not enough for the bill. There was the mindless humming on the way home again. Sonny left before Rafael woke up each time. He’d planned to confront Sonny about it, it seemed so unlike him to try and drown his sorrows alone in a bar, not the happy go lucky Sonny they all knew. But it was a chaotic few weeks and Rafael wasn’t able to get Sonny alone.

So, this was the fourth time. Rafael would have to talk to Sonny this time, this couldn’t go on. Why he always seemed to be the person Sonny called for after crawling into a bottle he didn’t know. Why Sonny didn’t drink at home rather than at bars that seemed to get progressively rougher each week he didn’t know either.

This bar was a dive. I was dark and the smell of cheap beer was oppressive. Rafael was surprised the bartender here called him, it seemed more like the kind of place that would unceremoniously throw Sonny out without a second thought. If someone didn’t intervene Rafael feared that might be where Sonny ended up next. Rafael went to check with the bartender, another tab not paid. He settled the bill and went to collect his weekly roommate.

“This is becoming a bad habit detective.” Sonny didn’t even reply, he just looked at Rafael with his big blue sorrowful eyes and Rafael felt something tug at his heart strings. “You and I are going to have a talk this weekend whether you like it or not.” Sonny grunted and went back to staring at nothing. “Come on, there’s a couch with your name on it a short taxi ride away.” They stumbled out the bar and to the taxi that had agreed to wait for Rafael this time. The humming started almost as soon as they pulled away. Initially it had been annoying but Rafael had started to be able to piece together what Sonny was humming, this week it was a mix of 4 Non Blondes and Bon Jovi.

They made it to Rafael’s apartment and Rafael reminded himself again he needed to find out where Sonny lived. Sonny was avoiding him so he hadn’t been able to ask and it wasn’t something he could ask Liv, she didn’t know about Sonny’s new weekly routine yet. Sense told him he should tell her but he wanted to try and help the detective first if he could.

Sonny didn’t even need prompting when they walked into the apartment. He drunkenly removed his jacket and stumbled over to the couch, he was asleep before his head hit the pillow. Rafael knew that if he went to bed now Sonny would sneak out before they could talk so he decided to stay up. He turned on the coffee machine and went to find the book he was currently reading. Book and coffee in hand he made himself comfy on the armchair opposite the sleeping detective and settled in for what little remained of the night.

The next few hours passed quietly. Rafael was engrossed in his book and he was relieved to learn Sonny didn’t snore when drunk.

At around 6:30 there was movement from the couch. Sonny groaned and covered his eyes with his hands, no doubt to slowly let the light from the room into his weary eyes. Once he’d become accustomed to the light he dragged himself upright and leant against the arm of the couch. He hadn’t noticed Rafael yet. Sonny starred ahead for a few minutes and Rafael wondered if he’d fallen asleep with his eyes open. Then he slowly turned around and put his feet on the floor, this was when he noticed Rafael.

“Shit! Barba!” He winced at his own voice.

“Good morning Carisi.” Rafael put his book down on the coffee table. He wanted to make some kind of sarcastic remark but it would be no fun if Sonny wasn’t clearheaded enough to understand it. “Do you want some painkillers? Coffee?” Sonny nodded so Rafael walked over to the kitchen. When he returned Sonny was slouched on the couch. He didn’t know if Sonny considered doing a runner but it was clear even if this was the plan it wouldn’t be possible in his current state. He put the coffee, a glass of water and packet of painkillers down on the coffee table and sat back in the armchair. Sonny gingerly reached for them.

They waited in silence while the caffeine and painkillers took effect. Sonny avoided eye contact with Rafael the whole time. After a suitable amount of time had passed Rafael spoke.

“So then Carisi are you going to tell me what’s going on? It’s not that I don’t appreciate the company once a week but I’ve seen enough good people lose everything by not seeking help.” Still no eye contact. “The first time I get that my number was the last number you’d called that day but you’ve avoided talking to me ever since so you must have asked the last three bartenders to call me.” Nothing. “I’m a lawyer Carisi I can vamp for hours if I have to.” Sonny sighed.

“Fine counsellor, you want me to open up to you, reveal all my deepest thoughts to you?” He was being sarcastic, incredibly sarcastic, Rafael was almost proud. “I just” he paused “I just don’t know anymore.” He picked up the half-drunk coffee and stared intently at it.

“You don’t know what?”

“I don’t know if this is for me.” He took a sip. “Since I decided to go to law school I thought the fact I was already a cop would be a great stepping stone to becoming an ADA. It’d be great experience and a way to earn enough money to get me through law school. And I loved it, for years. Helping people, arresting the bad guy. Then I made detective and I thought it’d be even better, and it was for a while. Homicide started to get to me so I left, I don’t know why I picked SVU. There was no way it would ever be easier but I felt it was where I had to be you know.” He put the coffee down and started fidgeting before continuing.

“But it changes you, in lots of subtle ways and you don’t notice until it’s too late. Sometimes I don’t recognise myself anymore and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. It’s been building up for a while, since Dodds died I guess.” There was a pause.

“I feel so alone. I can’t burden my family with this, I don’t tell them any details about this job, no one outside the job should have to hear that. Same with my friends. And I can’t talk to anyone at the squad. Finn doesn’t do heart to hearts, Amanda wouldn’t get it and Liv, well she’s got her own stuff going on. I tried to talk to her about it, kind of, she pretty much just told me everything would work out and that was it.” Another pause, still no eye contact. “Then yesterday when I had that gun in my face I couldn’t help but think why am I here.” Rafael shot forwards in his chair.

“Wait, what gun?”

“You hadn’t heard, I thought you knew everything Barba?” Sonny finally made eye contact, along with a forced smirk. “Tom Cole. He was in a building with Quinn Berris and had a gun. I searched the building but he snuck up on me. I’ve been playing it over in my head and I don’t know if I made a mistake. He pulled his gun on me, it was right there.” He gestured in front of his face. “I tried to focus on my training, it’s not the first time I’ve been on the wrong end of a gun. But I was thinking all those thoughts you’re not supposed to think in these situations, distracting thoughts, like what if I died here, would it have been worth it?”

“Those are dangerous thoughts Carisi.”

“I know.”

“What happened?”

“Liv shot him, in the head, right in front of me.” Sonny stopped and stared at nothing again. He wiped something that wasn’t there off his face. Then there was a forced smile “And then everyone went home. I filled in the paperwork, changed and went to find a bar. And now I’m here, on your surprisingly comfy couch, I mean I swear I would get a better night sleep on here than I do in my own bed, if I was sober.”

“Don’t change the subject.”

“Sorry. I’m not used to talking about these things, which I know is a surprise as I talk endlessly about everything else. But this is different.”

“You need to talk to someone, have you considered taking a break? I’m sure you’re owed some leave? I’ve never known a squad that hordes its leave like Manhattan SVU.”

“I can’t take a break now, we’re so under staffed. It wouldn’t be fair.”

“It’s ok to be selfish you know.”

“So I take a week or whatever then what? Fin works pretty much every shift he can anyway, he basically lives there. Amanda covering my shifts and spending more time away from Jessie? Liv’s a lieutenant so she can’t cover me. When we’re understaffed that’s when victims suffer.”

“And what happens when you burn out because you don’t seek help? How many victims would suffer then? You’ve got a great future ahead of you, I believe you’re going to help countless people but you can’t do that if you’re stuck at some dead-end job full of other burn outs.”

“You think I’ve got a great future?” A smug smile this time. Rafael rolled his eyes.

“Alright, I won’t be saying it again.” He got up and sat on the couch next to Sonny. He looked Sonny in the eye. Rafael did something he never pictured doing, he held Sonny’s hands which were clenched together on his lap, not moving around as he spoke like usual. “I mean it though. You’ve come in the leaps and bounds since you turned up with that god-awful moustache. You’ve got more empathy than anyone else in there, you have your stubborn moments but you’re not afraid to learn. Your understanding of the law makes you a huge asset, you can see every case from both sides, you know what I’m going to have to face when most cops have stopped worrying about a case.”

Sonny looked down at Rafael’s hands, not wanting to continue the eye contact. Rafael continued.

“This job isn’t for everyone, it is tough. We’re seeing some of the worst of humanity, and I’ve drunk myself into oblivion before over it as well. But you are good at it, and you are good for it. When you finally decide to put that law degree to good use you are going to be an amazing ADA, I’m sure I’ll have to watch my back.” He smiled. “I don’t know why you felt I was the one to turn to but I am going to help you.”

“You don’t have to do anything, I’m sorry I keep ruining your Friday nights.”

“Don’t worry about that, it might shock you to learn my Friday nights tend to be quite quiet.” Sonny surprised Rafael by leaning in against his chest. Rafael adjusted his position so he could put a reassuring arm around him. His initial reaction was to jolt away but Sonny clearly needed a comforting embrace. It was tense at first as it was an unfamiliar position for the both of them but they quickly relaxed. Rafael sat back and Sonny moved with him. He put an arm around Rafael’s waist and clung to him. Rafael continued.

“I have a friend, well a friend of a friend who is a therapist, I’m told he’s very good, I could get you an appointment for a referral.” He didn’t say it as a question, it was a fact, he’d already slotted making the call into his plans for the day. Sonny didn’t say anything but nodded. “I also want you to promise me something. Next time you feel like trying to drink away your sorrows come here rather than some dive bar. We can talk. And then if you still need a drink, well I’ll be sure to stock up on some of that god-awful excuse for a drink you’ve been downing for the last month.” Sonny laughed slightly.

“Thank you, well we can’t all afford the fancy scotch you drink.”

“I don’t know if I can afford it now, I’ve been paying your bar tabs for a month.”

“Oh.”

“Yes, oh.”

“I’ll pay you back…and bake you a cake to say thank you or something.”

“You can thank me by getting help. What am I going to do without you to bother me every day at work? You’d be the one rescuing me from pissy bartenders.” He paused. “A better class of bars of course.” Sonny laughed again.

“Ok, it’s a deal.” They sat in silence for a long time, both comfortable and content. It only then struck Rafael that he’d just given Carisi an open invitation to come to his apartment any time of day or night, his mother and oldest friend were the only other people allowed to do that. What was more shocking was Rafael was ok with that. The thought of Carisi leaving SVU had scared him, he knew he would do anything in his power to make sure Sonny was ok, whether it meant playing bartender at home or footing the bill for therapy. It was a price Rafael was willing to pay.