#also the more I’m seeing of this episode of COURSE he’s relapsing

[oldmanffucker]

House talking to Hanna about her leg bro I can’t Do This rn not after the therapy episode and not after the clips we’re getting of his relapse GOD

[hazshit-hotel-hater]

NGL I’m disappointed that the scene between Husk and Angel in Episode 6 was just Husk yelling and indirectly shaming Angel Dust for relapsing. Out of all the characters who can relate and empathize with Angel on addiction, it’s him. They could have had a genuine heart to heart conversation about relapsing and addiction where Husk allow himself to be vulnerable with Angel, recounting all the memories where his addiction ruined his life. At the Husk tell Angel while relapsing is normal, it isn’t healthy, he needs to start finding alternatives so he doesn’t resort to drugs first, and if he need someone to talk to, he is alway here for him as he doesn’t want Angel to become just like him.

His dialogue sounded like it came from a character who is ignorant about addiction, like Charlie or Vicky, not Husk. Husk would never say, ”Look, you want to fuck up all your progress? Be my guest! I just thought you were better than this.” Because he would know from being an alcoholic, how terrible and invaliding those words are.

YES! I am very upset about this as well. While it certainly isn’t the most aggressive reprimand for relapsing I’ve seen it definitely wasn’t great either. I think a “Are you really sure you want to be doing that?” would’ve been better or even just Husk giving him a stern look.

[Brief intermission of me opening up the episode again for review]

Okay. I have words.

So. The way Husk says the line you mentioned to Angel, I can see where he’s coming from, but considering the fact Angel just complained about having a genuinely dangerous day at work, I think Husk giving a look like I mentioned would be the best course of action. That or like “Just try not to.” Now real quick as someone thats struggled with addiction, words like that really don’t/didn’t have much of an impact on me but—as cheesy as it is—the thought counts. I suppose I can understand maybe Husk said that because he might’ve been projecting or something?? I don’t know really, but it just like. Angel doesn’t seem too bothered by it but you can tell Husk’s words don’t exactly help much.

I think your idea of a heart to heart would’ve been really great actually. A scene of Husk pulling Angel aside for a talk would give some reason as to why Angel starts behaving so randomly nice in the rest of the episode. I wouldn’t mind Husk being a little aggressive about it as long as it didn’t end with him shaming Angel for it. Like maybe he gets a bit heated and then apologises and they talk things out civilly.

Im also a bit confused on the direction of the relapsing in question because we can see that Husk is clearly against Angel doing drugs, but with shots he doesn’t seem to care at all and even downs two at the same time himself so I guess maybe that can be attributed to Husk not seeing alcohol as an issue, but again I dunno. It’s really strange how they portray everything in this episode.

End of the line, this is more of Vivzie being confused about her own story it seems.

[alwayshasacold]

Right I’ve given it a bit since I finished the season so I’m not coming fresh off the binge with my thoughts. I’m not like great at phrasing and they’re not fully thought over yet but like I need to get them into words so here we go.

The short version is that while I still had fun with that season it is definitely the worst by far. Not sure if it was a necessary addition but I’ve never been solid on ending with season 3 either so won’t argue that making it was by itself a mistake. Ending was alright I guess, wasn’t good but like wasn’t horrifically bad yknow, very okay. I think that reduced ep count definitely did the season in ultimately, though we will never know now if that would’ve fixed some of the worst issues it has.

The apocalypse itself was very shitty, every other season plays into a common apocalypse trope and tbh from what we’ve seen of the death of Reggie’s world there were plenty of options to go for there to keep in trend and make it the same. Massive cgi monster you have to invent new lore to have is just boring as fuck.

Character writing wasn’t great, though the potential is there for them in most cases which is definitely at least one consequence of reduced episode count. Klaus relapse makes some sense (his powers and his addiction are always closely connected) and while I’ve seen people arguing about it being pointless if season was longer I could perhaps see it go somewhere. Luther living in the academy is very in character, he’s always been the one with the most positive connections to the place and it’s no coincidence he always tries to return there when possible. Diego not finding purpose in family life checks from his whole action hero complex, though obviously it needed more time and respect. Alison not being able to get a career off the ground or be a perfect wife or parent could’ve gone somewhere but I’d just mostly played for jokes so I’m still iffy on that one. Lila not being able to adjust to family life also checks considering she’s never had anything even resembling it, and her seeking solutions independently works from her character so far. Viktor doesn’t really have anything at first, but being able to have the time with his dad is probably the best relationship stuff we got all season and it was quite nice, though could’ve done with a bit more depth. My main gripe with his storyline is the lack of interaction really with Reggie’s wife, who’s obviously the original owner of his violin, though the showrunners not doing anything with the sound guys musical talent has been a problem since season 3 so. So we’ve got at least four decent character threads that could’ve worked, and until proven otherwise I will assume the reduced episode count is to blame for given the foundations aerosols enough.

Now onto the plain bad. They clearly had no clue what to do with five. Guy goes from wanting to retire to working for the CIA which is of course not explained. Him almost abandoning his family also doesn’t work from the guy who’s entire motivation is protecting them. And the whole romance with Lila doesn’t really make sense mostly. Five has historically turned to things like that in similar situations (Delores) but obviously he wouldn’t disrespect his family in that way which is the main issue. Same goes for Lila on the same issue. With Ben they seemed to also have no clue what they were doing, especially with consideration of the clip at the end of season 3. While I appreciate getting the reasoning behind his death, the reasoning itself isn’t the best tbh. And not giving him a proper ending is just shitty tbh, though I do appreciate his last moments are trying to help his family with the last of his ability to do so.

The lack of music this season was also very disappointing. There were very few tracks used and none really stood out beyond baby shark, which was a funny bit tbf as much as I hate the song but like the fact we got four lots of baby shark and barely more other pieces of music says it all. The choreography also fell flat - we got what, one choreographed fight scene (which I did enjoy tbf, but it’s far from the best and it being the only one is genuinely shitty) and one dance scene that didn’t fit the music? Like the music and choreography of umbrella academy is one of its most iconic features and it’s honestly the most disappointing thing about the season to me that a lot of that character that it’s always had has been lost.

Also on the lacking side was the costuming but that’s only a minor complaint, just wasn’t enough variety imo but once again probably just the reduced episode count preventing more organic costume changes.

As for other things, I loved Jean and Gene, once again they needed more time like everything else this season but they were great from what we got of them. I liked Reggie and his wife, the whole plotting of her not appreciating being revived needed more time and establishing but I like the concept and roles they played this season. The idea that people are able to figure out that the timeline has been reset is neat and I like that being used as a secondary antagonist group who want an apocalypse to fix things. This season obviously carries over prior issues the series has always had: lack of seriousness about series issues (sexual assault, drug abuse, etc) though slightly improved for making a slightly better effort at addressing klaus‘s self destructive behaviour was made if nothing else, being a bit too reliant of jokiness at times etc but nothing it’s never had issues with. The gross out vomit humour this season wasn’t great and could do with a warning also. I would’ve liked them to do more with the subway and timeline stuff, especially considering both how sick it looked and how all over the marketing it was, but it was probably another casualty of reduced run time.

I believe I’ve addressed most major thoughts I’ve had so far on the finale, though I’ll come back later if I have more. Overall, I definitely don’t think it was the best ending to the series, but I prefer it ending now while at least it’s got something left than it continue and tire itself out for good. It was a very okay six episodes that were fun enough, but I expected and hoped for more from a series I have consistently loved, and unfortunately I don’t believe this series will benefit from the boost in opinion season 3 has gotten from subsequent rewatches.

[ryuichirou]

Replies

More replies~

Some of them are related to our OruVil comic from yesterday, some related to our headcanons, the rest are about various characters and ships :)

Anonymous asked:

I would love to thank you again for the Oruvil content!

It makes me happy seeing art of them even if it's not all romantic.

I REAALLLLLY adore seeing your art of them! 🌟💞

Thank you so much, Anon!! <3 I really appreciate the love they’re getting, they absolutely deserve it.

I would love to draw more stuff with them, both neutral and romantic…

blackbutlerfandomnerddomain asked:

Ortho would also do this to Vil

I low-key see him having an argument with him and suddenly he would repay a video of Vil and him boning and Vil moaning just what he's denying or if like Vil's refusing to admit he was with Rook last night and Ortho just projects a video of Rook and Vil making out

Oh Ortho, you’re way too powerful to have any relationship with – it’s impossible to win an argument with this boy… it also sounds like an episode of Black Mirror lol

I feel like Vil would know better than to lie to Ortho though – not only Ortho always has A VIDEO BECAUSE HE STALKS PEOPLE 24/7 JESUS CHRIST- but Idia was also smart/dumb enough to give him the lie detector thing, so even if Ortho has nothing to show… he still has all the proof needed to see that his lover is lying lol

Anonymous asked:

Thinking about Silver on the receiving end of a condom-user for the first time getting surprisingly disappointed by it lol like he went into it with his partner's preferences on the full front of his mind and agreed with the safety concerns for it, but by the end, he kind of wanted to feel when their pleasure peaked and filled him.. like with his father 🥰

...... the only top I could think of that (properly) used condoms off the top of my head was ortho, so that made a whole different funny image to think about hehehe

(this is related to our condom hc post lol)

Not gonna lie, when I was reading the second part of your ask I thought “oh, Trey I guess?” and then you hit me with Ortho and I screamed. A boy who only uses condoms because he finds them sexy and has no other reason to wear them whatsoever because he is a robot + a boy who should use condoms but got so used to being taken without them that he feels underwhelmed and sexy when it’s used. What a combo indeed. It also reminded me about that one Ortho vignette in which he gave Silver his medical attention…

But also, poor Silver! Of course he wouldn’t like how it feels… thank you for your training, Lilia, way to ruin his life again 😔

Anonymous asked:

I remember the overblot ships asks, how about something else? Phantom Ortho and Overblot Vil?

Sorry for the late reply, Anon! And probably for a disappointing one.

I thought I would come up with something more interesting, but to be honest combining Overblotted boys with each other is a bit difficult to me; it’s much easier to imagine them visually, but coming up with possible interactions is more tricky, especially considering the nature of the whole overblot thing and Ortho’s phantom specifically – his whole being is way too attached to Idia (literally). Maybe I’m overthinking and overcomplicating it though, I tend to do that…

Maybe Phantom Ortho could trigger a relapse in all the previously overblotted boys. And Ortho did seem upset when Vil denied his invitation to join his and his beloved Idia’s new world…

Visually though, it would look pretty good; their designs are two of my absolute favourites :(

Anonymous asked:

Idia and Azul having a double date with Vil and Ortho. Basically disaster...

… Mostly because Azul just keeps talking and talking and talking and talking and it’s painfully obvious that he uses this double date just to make sure the great actor Vil Schoenheit considers him family, because technically he is family, since both him and Vil are dating the Shrouds, which means they have so much in common, which means-

Idia and Vil would be so utterly annoyed. At least Ortho is having fun!

Anonymous asked:

Does anyone else really not like the 'VilRook as Epel's parents' trope?

Some people probably don’t; we personally like it, despite usually hating on this type of trope. We are huge haters of the whole “aww they’re family” thing in general lol

But with Pomefiore it hits different somehow. Maybe it’s because the family thing is not the only thing that they have + their interactions and relationship between all three of them in general are complex and interesting, and the family trope doesn’t simplify any of it (Plus, this won’t stop us from liking Rook/Epel...) I won’t talk too much about it though, since this doesn’t exactly answer your question.

Anonymous asked:

There’s an animated series (it’s Scott Pilgrim but different idk the series) and one clip keeps popping up on my socials involving actor characters where one suggests to the other to “go over the lines in your trailer” and it cuts to the trailer shaking. I just wanted to mention it because it reminds me of Neige/Vil (especially with Vil trying to keep everything under wraps) every time it pops up and it’s your fault <3

Anooon I’m so glad whenever someone’s blaming us for a ship they think about lol <3 You’re very welcome.

I really love that Vil is 100% professional and keeps his personal life as private as possible, but he could also get horny and try to find a compromise, and sometimes a compromise is go to the trailer and “go over the lines” lol I approve of you associating this scene with him and Neige.

Anonymous asked:

New headcanon: Jamil knows how dangerous otters can be since he had to do research on what animals could be harmful to Kalim, so the first few times he heard Floyd call Kalim 'Sea Otter', his reaction was like that one meme of the confused lady doing math.

(this is related to some of the previous replies)

LOL poor Jamil. His life is full of unfortunate and unpleasant surprises, but this? This is simply confusing. The sigh of understanding an relief he would let out when he hears that Floyd’s reasoning is simply “’cause he’s cute”. I guess Jamil gave the merman too much credit in how he picks his nicknames…

Anonymous asked:

What do you think the relationship between Floyd and Chenya would be? I've seen everything from being besties who love to annoy Riddle together to enemies who're fighting over Riddle, so I'm curious about what you think!

You know, Anon, I think there is a reason why we don’t see these two interact: the Universe won’t let them, because we won’t survive this lol Both are so chaotic that you’d never guess how exactly it would go with them. Just like you said, they could annoy Riddle together and get along surprisingly well, but could also act like two boy hamsters in one cage if you know what I mean.

A lot of it depends on Floyd actually. I feel like Che’nya is pretty chill and playful all the time, and if he gets bored he just leaves. But Floyd gets annoyed and fussy… So if he likes the weird partially invisible flying dude, they would become besties. But if he doesn’t, he would be super irritated by him lol

Anonymous asked:

do you think floyd would ever do riddle or epel in his mer form or not because they’re too….small

Oh come on Anon, as if their smallness would stop him~ If he gets a chance and he’s in the mood, he would very gladly hunt down both Goldfishie and little Guppy~

[ruesbike]

Anyone else catch the parallels between rue and Cassie both saying “I don’t think I’m a good person”

They’ve both oddly been set up to be each others character Mirror this season (this is NOT what I meant when I said I wanted a team up with them). Rue finally gets the thing she thought would make her sober forever, a relationship with Jules. Cassie starts out single but it doesn’t last very long at all. But she gets herself into what she clearly thinks is the best relationship. The one she’s been looking for.

Here are some of the parallels I’ve noticed

They both enter these one sided relationships and quite literally relapse into their respective addictions. Jules never said anything back when Rue said I want to be with you (but we know she does love Rue, wanting to be with her is a separate story). Nate is holding Cassie at arms length but tells her what she needs to hear (apparently he does love her though)

This one is more outlandish but I think Elliot exists to help further this parallel, they needed three and it needed to be a Nate both girls are attached to. Elliot definitely doesn’t share the same qualities as Nate so his characters relationship is way different. But he does serve as a romantic plot device that inevitably comes between what was a seemingly fine relationship. And that boy is also a direct line to addiction. Nate Enables Cassie’s addiction to relationships, Takes part in them with her. Elliot gives Rue drugs, does them with her. And both of their other half’s are also romantically involved with their enablers. and both men could possibly actually like both parties a lot but ultimately does not care abt their hand in ruining their respective relationships. trash. (Imo Jules and rue were still fucked and never gonna last anyways with or without him)

They’re both hiding these predicaments from the strongest relationships they have. Jules doesn’t know Rue is not staying clean and Maddy has no clue why Cassie is acting weird. And while Cassie and Rue dig themselves deeper into a hole the two people they’re hiding from come together. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that while Rue is off to do drugs with Elliot and Cassie is running off with Nate Jules and Maddy are shown alone together forming a bond while their soulmates are out doing shit that would crush them. The juxtaposition was crazy and very much admired.

They have Rue tell us herself that she is a bad person when she acknowledges that everyone is rooting for her as the main character, then proceeds to show us her gaslighting someone. The scene with Gia shows us she knows people see her as a person in need of help and will eventually give in to her if she makes it seem like she’s sad but really trying to be good.

On the flip side they Have Nate (the one person on this show that uses lies to get the truth and later wield it like a weapon.) Tell us cassie is a bad person. In media they often don’t spell things out for you because you have to trust your audience is smart. They did this on purpose because although we know it cassie never would have gone as far as rue had to acknowledge she’s still doing something bad and own up to it. A mirror to Rue who has no shame in the act.

And from tonight’s episode I think another parallel is to be made. During the Hot tub scene Maddy is constantly looking between Nate and Cassie like she has all season. I think we all pretty much suspect she knows something is up but like Jules she’s been completely oblivious until tonight when both Cassie and Rue show their asses. When Rue snaps at Jules and she feels something is off but of course she won’t entertain that thought we all know is there. When Cassie spews then starts breaking down saying sorry , Maddy might know her best friend seems more hysterical than usual. I think Both Maddy and Jules were presented the truth tonight and they both took it in silence.

[doublel27]

I’m so curious why Carlos is ‘surprised’ to meet TK’s sponsor… like I’m assuming Carlos knows Tk has a sponsor? Would Tk really be keeping that from him too? Or is it because he realises Tk has been keeping certain parts of his addiction from him? Is it because Carlos recognises the sponsor? I feel like going by what we already know about ep13 it seems that Tk will finally be opening up about his addiction completely with Carlos and discussing their future so it would make more sense to me for it to be the fact TK’s sponsor knows everything and Carlos doesn’t and that would make make sense narrative wise but of course Lone Star could throw anything into the situation if they wanted too lol! And there’s clearly some angst in the episode too so that could also be the cause of the angst because I can imagine Carlos won’t take being in the dark about things overly well at first (especially if Tk hasn’t already told him about his near relapse after Gwen died). But who really knows?

Hey Nonny, Love all your thoughts and questions. There are so many options here, and I cannot wait to see how the show will take it. I talked about this a little in another post, but I think the struggle is going to come from Carlos wanting to turn to TK to process what happened to them and TK turning to process with his sponsor. I think the surprise is going to be meeting TK's sponsor after all this time. Carlos and TK have known each other for about two years now and have been seeing each other for most of that time, with a few blips. Carlos is also the first person in Texas that TK told about his addiction and his recovery. That level of trust so soon speaks to what exists between TK and Carlos. It takes months, and possibly a conversation with Carlos, before TK tells the rest of the team in 1x10. Carlos is also the one standing next to TK at sobriety party and is legit the person who TK draws strength from during that speech. So I think Carlos is well aware that TK is in a recovery program and has a sponsor. I am even certain that once TK told Owen about almost taking fentanyl from the narcotics safe in the bus, he told Carlos. He was ready to come clean with Tommy in 1x09, and we know that Carlos is someone TK is incredibly honest and open with. I've also written some long meta on how TK is the one that gets Carlos to open up with how open TK is about things. But I don't think TK has ever brought that recovery work home, really. He's gone to meetings, gotten his chips, but TK also carries a lot of shame. We see the depth of his shame in both 1x01 where he asks Owen to make sure they don't have to tell anyone...which Owen points out is unlikely. And then in 3x08 where we get both his journey to recovery and his near miss with his relapse. Additionally, we get a little bit of information in 3x04 that TK couldn't afford the house due to his credit, and not being able to do it and feeling like Carlos buying the house without him is a power move. And that has to be tied into things that happened with his addiction, because where we see TK in 3x08, he's at the space where he's definitely spending any savings, if not more than that on drugs. There was probably a point where Gwyn cut him off. There's more shame around that. What he says to internal Gwyn in his coma dream is that it was too good and he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. TK fears he is the other shoe, I'm certain, with the not being able to afford it and how things went down with Alex. So why would he put everything on Carlos, the depth of that ugly. TK would put that off as long as possible. He's been honest, Carlos knows he's an addict, but does he need to know the details, or be confronted with the parts TK can keep under control. And now we've hit a dual problem. TK out of control now. His control was taken from him and his body feels like he's back at day one. He's gonna need to be back in depth in his recovery work and we've already seen him throw himself back into his work work at the end of 3x13. Meanwhile, this incident happened to both Carlos and TK. Carlos is used to turning to TK in these situations, processing them together. We see this at the end of 2x12 (look both of these episodes being twelves is hard for me-my theory of fours is maintained). It's TK that helps Carlos process when Carlos was going to bury those feelings. So Carlos is going to want to turn to TK and have TK turn to him, because they went through this together, to Carlos's mind. And TK is going to be struggling to process with Carlos because what happened to TK is DIFFERENT. They were both assaulted, but Carlos isn't a recovering addict and TK is and this is going to be different for him. And Carlos isn't going to understand how different it is, because he can't. There is a part of TK that is unknowable to Carlos because Carlos can't know. And what Carlos is going to need to understand is that TK needs his sponsor who gets it, who understands. TK needs a wide and varied support system to stay on the path that he's on. And so when Carlos struggles with

this, I think, maybe, TK will suggest meeting his sponsor. I think this will be a surprise because TK hasn't ever wanted this to happen before.

[raointean]

Just finished "Bel-Air" (2022) and LOVED it!

I loved that it didn't try to be the original, but instead went a completely different direction while still remaining true to the soul and intentions of the original.

More detailed analysis and spoilers under the cut.

Not only was the premise of the show the same, but the premise for most of the characters was the same.

Will, of course, an unapologetically Black kid from West Philly who got in a fight and was sent to live with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air

Carlton, a black kid surrounded by mostly white kids and because of that, has either lost touch with his culture or was never connected to it in the first place

Uncle Phil, Will's rich surrogate father uncle who has lost touch with the Black community after having been in a position of power for so long (although this version of Uncle Phil is definitely more out of touch than in the original)

Aunt Viv, a woman who set aside some of her dreams for the sake of her family (she changed the most from all the characters, but I think it works)

Hillary, a charismatic but not academically minded young woman being pushed out of the nest and trying to have it all

Ashley, the little cousin trying to figure out who she is and being a little rebellious in doing so

Geoffrey, the hired help who's more like family

Lisa, the spunky love interest

Jazz, the annoying friend

And then they took a lot of these characters and went TOTALLY different directions with them.

Will actually stayed pretty much the same as in the original, just rode the struggle bus a bit longer

In the original, Carlton dealt with being "racially isolated" (I don’t know if there's an actual word for that) by being the best student, son, and brother he could be and was unapologetically himself (except for that one episode lol) It really wasn't much of an issue. In "Bel-Air", Carlton struggles a LOT. He suffers from pretty severe anxiety, struggles with the pressure to be perfect, does drugs to cope with it, and puts up with his racist "friends'" bullshit. This Carlton is an exploration of what could have happened. I love both Carltons equally for different reasons and I'll fight anyone who disses them.

(Sorry for the rant, Carlton is my favorite character in both shows)

Uncle Phil is more ambitious and frankly, more selfish than in the original. His character development is just *chef's kiss* beautiful though.

Aunt Viv, again, is very different from her 90's counterpart(s) but is a fantastically complex character. Instead of just seeing her as "Mom", we see her as a woman with hopes, dreams, needs, and insecurities. (I loved her too)

Hillary is a LOT more capable (not that that's saying much) and instead of wanting to stay at home and live off of daddy's money forever, she's looking for her own way forward on her own terms

Ashley is also very different. She's queer (obviously) and not as naïve which is fitting as children, girls especially, enter the political world much sooner nowadays thanks to social media

Geoffrey... damn! 007 is right. Instead of a goofy butler he's a sexy "say the word and he's dead, Sir" kinda guy! Really hope we get to see his son next season.

I'm not a huge Lisa fan but she was definitely more sympathetic and real in this version

I like Jazz a lot better in this version. He's more charismatic than he is annoying and honestly, I really ship him and Hillary now.

What I hope we see in season 2

I want Carlton to have an anxiety relapse now that he's trying to quit (because I love angst). Maybe he starts the drugs up again and his family finds out. Maybe he takes it too far and accidentally OD's (which would be another nice callback to the original). Whatever happens, he and his parents need to talk about all the pressure they've been putting him under.

I want to see what happens with Hillary and Ivy and the influencer house. They set it up pretty blatantly so I'm not too worried about it.

Phil dealing with being a house-husband for a little while. I literally can't think of a SINGLE TIME I've seen that on TV

I wanna see Ashley come out. I don't think it would be a really big thing because everyone's cool with it, but it would be cool

I also want to see her first romance so I can live vicariously through her

Hillary and Jazz are going to have to tell Phil about their relationship eventually and I think that would be a perfect time for a callback (AAAGGGHHHHH)

[raymondebidochonlifechoices]

Random thoughts about s5-s6

(before the promptathon starts, because afterwards ain’t nobody got time for Riverdale!)

This is a rant. It’s long. So so so long. I’ll probably regret not cutting half of it tomorrow. You will most certainly regret that I didn’t cut half of it today. Here we go anyway! Because sometimes one needs to vent in an inelegant way.

S5 characters grievances

(and by ‘characters’, I mean, of course, Jughead and Betty)

Betty Cooper. Listen, the girl has raging ptsd and a chronic case of Darkness™/Serial Killer Genes™ aka the writers’ only way of making the girl-next-door “complex”. I get it. I sympathise. BUT. When you make this her only character trait throughout the season (her only meaningful exchange has been with Jughead in 5x16) and then you run out of time and postpone resolving what’s supposedly her A plot (i.e. the TBK killer – the reason of her behaviour), it gets pretty tiring. Single-mindedness, isolation and a situation (trauma) that wasn’t supposed to matter in the first place (trauma never mattered in s1-4 nor will it matter in s6) does not make for a compelling story. Let me be clear: I don’t hate Betty, I don’t think she’s deranged, it’s just that her s5 storyline is exhausting.

Jughead Jones. To be fair, Jughead’s Mothman plot was the one I enjoyed the most in s5 until he fell into a hole (insert Teen Wolf joke here): the Rat King stuff was absolutely bananas and I loved it but it was also kind of a let-down.

The fact that he’s still the underdog and that he was the only character aware of his trauma and actively trying to deal with it, makes him a very sympathetic character for sure. BUT. As if making him an addict and a college drop-out (nothing wrong with not going to college – it was just ooc for Jughead) was not enough, the writers had to go and defecate all over his two most distinct characteristics: Jughead is a conscientious objector and a writer. Or, rather, he was before the time jump, because s5 Jughead can say “Go, Bulldogs!” unironically with no problem. As for being a writer … apparently, he’s a successful author for the span of 2 episodes (5x4-5x5) but then not only is he not allowed by the writers to attend his own effing book launch party (what the hell?!), he’s also presented for the rest of the season as someone who cannot even write without being under the influence (although, he’s shown typing on his computer almost in every episode, which is -narratively speaking- baffling). I’m not talking about his writer’s block. I’m talking about the fact that he’s shown not once but twice, as unable to finish a novel unless consuming maple mushrooms. Sure, Hemingway drank himself stupid but that is not the story Riverdale tells. And then Jughead-I-have-a-hard-on-for-justice-and-I’ve-had-my-story-stolen-while-in-Stonewall-Jones attempts to pass someone else’s manuscript for his own. A likely story! During what was his only (and completely unexpected) relapse into drinking no less. (I’m not saying the sole purpose of the relapse was that scene. But I’m also saying exactly that). Also: WHERE THE FUCK IS HIS MANUSCRIPT AND WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE IN RIVERDALE THAT CARES?! Once again, let me be clear: I don’t hate Jughead: I don’t think he’s a loser or a failure, it’s just that his s5 story line enrages me.

S6 trailer, how do I not love thee, let me count the ways.

It’s a 1 min-long trailer consisting of bursts of scenes lasting 1 to 3 secs, so there’s obviously no context, plus, there are at least 224 more minutes of storytelling we don’t see. Nevertheless, the following is what the cw thought would get me invested enough to watch. Boy, they couldn’t have been more wrong!

Things that will happen in s6:

1. HBIC Cheryl and her River Vixens. I mean, cult leader witch Cheryl and her synchronized female minions. [Whatever.]

2. Veronica and La Bonne Nuit 2.0 once again dealing with the devil, only this time he’s not a metaphorical one (Hiram) but Satan himself.  [Seen that, done that. Thrice, to be precise.]

3. Kevin. [Lord, give me strength.]

4. 2 seconds of Tabitha smashing a wall in her Pop’s uniform and a bit more time of Toni assisting Cheryl. I can only surmise that these secondary characters will continue their journey as secondary characters. [Excitement!] [Not.]

5. Sabrina Spellman. [Not amused.]

6. A musical number. [Facepalm.]

7. Jughead Jones, one half of the reason I watch this show, as the narrator. [Groundbreaking! Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure he’ll have his plot but it would have been infinitely more intriguing -at least to me- to hint at one during the trailer.]

8. Betty saying she wants nothing more than to have Archie’s baby. [It’s not just that I’m a bughead shipper, it’s that b*rchie is my notp. I don’t care about Archie. I’m not interested in his storylines, his uncle or his baby. I started watching Riverdale for 3 reasons: 1. Jughead’s promo pics that screamed insolent!sidecick who would either be insufferable (affectionate) or insufferable (derogative), 2. the fact that the actress who played my favourite Archie comics character (Betty) could actually act (not a given in teen tv shows), 3. that scene at Pop’s in 1x2 that promised me not Bughead exactly (I thought at the time that they would drag this out for ever Dawson-style) but at least an alternative to any plot Archie would have.]

9. Betty saying she want’s nothing more than to have Archie’s baby. [Once more with feeling but this time for Betty. As in: I do not care about pregnant Betty. Not with Archie. Not with Jughead. I’m not interested explicitly in a Bughead proposal, wedding or baby during the show -unless it’s the last episode and Bughead are breaking into the sheriff’s house with a baby in a sling, because @darknessaroundus wrote this in a fic and it has become a head canon ever since. Sleuthing Bughead, on the other hand? Investigative loving Bughead? Oh yes, please!]

(Yes, I understand there will be no babies, still the trailer thought the idea of one would be enticing).

Total of fucks given: 0/9

Thoughts on s6a

Theorising is a very perilous endeavor where Riverdale is concerned, as logic means nothing to the writers and canon can be rewritten at any time.

Though I’d be absolutely delighted if the au-that-isn’t-but-actually-is started in 5x17 (explosion at the mines), I think that 5x19 (Hiram’s bomb) is a “tidier” place plot-wise, as:

- it allows for Hiram’s departure

- it allows for the resolution of Chad’s plot and the Mothman’s plot (that were shown to have happened after the mine explosion – although, one can argue that these might have happened independently, because, you know, Riverdale)

- it allows for the town’s reincorporation

- it allows for not having to deal with establishing a career path for Jughead and Betty in the new season (which was obviously what the conversation with Waldo / the FBI graduation party was all about. You know, to have time to explore more b***s*** freely).

- it allows for 5x18 (at least, if I had been planning a musical since the beginning of the season, I’d be sad to sacrifice it as not real)

- it provides the opportunity for not one but two double-takes: one in 6x5 (“you thought b*rchie, veggie and jabitha were real couples? No! 6a didn’t happen!”) and then one more after the hiatus, in 6x6 (“lol! b*rchie, veggie and jabitha were real after all because 5x18-5x19 did happen!), which fits with these writers’ obnoxious m.o.

S6a being a The-Married-Life-With-Archie-inspired dream, seems more plausible than Cheryl unleashing a curse, as the latter would imply that the supernatural does exist in Riverdale and that Cheryl is part of it (and should continue to be part of it in 6b, which seems improbable). But also, because, from a logical point of view (although those don’t hold much water with Riverdale) Cheryl didn’t curse anyone: she recited someone else’s curse that -if real- was already in action. Abigail didn’t curse just Archibald, Jedediah and Beatrice but their descendants as well, thus rendering Cheryl evoking any curse redundant.

Bugvarchie can still happen of course, at least judging by where s5 was headed before 5x18, but as someone who thinks the journey is more important than the destination, I’m not interested enough to watch s6. At least, not with what we have been told so far. Maybe that’ll change as the episodes air. We’ll see.

[It goes without saying that all of the above are personal opinions/preferences. To each their own.}

[wordsinwinters]

Then Again, Chapter 14: To Escape a Sleeping Spider

Summary: After an intense fight and a forced-to-share-the-bed situation during their junior year decathlon trip, Peter and the Reader examine their faults and failings. As they attempt to fix their mistakes and improve their friendship, that friendship quickly begins to evolve into something else.

Betas: @fanboyswhereare-you and @girl-tips-from-satan

Masterlist (with AO3 links)

Then Again, Chapter 14: To Escape a Sleeping Spider

(Word count: 1,258)

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19, Part 20, Part 21, Part 22, Part 23, Part 24, Part 25, Part 26, Part 27, Part 28, Part 29, 

Possible Consequences Of The “Cuddle Situation” Of Last Night (Also Known As Reasons I Should Never Listen To Myself Again):

I wake up with half of my body clinging to Peter’s shirtless self, my heart rate leaping off the charts.

I ruin — irrefutably demolish — my commitment to get over my crush, like I’m some sort of Peter Parker addict and this is a disastrous relapse.

I wake up before my alarm because his boner is digging into my left leg.

My practical, analytical side is punching my who cares anymore? side into oblivion because all of those things are really, absolutely happening right now. And I’m kind of freaking out since I’m the sole person to blame.

On his back, Peter sleeps with his entire right hand wound up in my hair. My head rests on his chest, my arm hugging his middle, my leg still between his. His… um, Penis Parker is way too… prevalent. Don’t even— the last thing I need to think about right now is Flash.

I’ve gone too quickly from dead asleep to wide awake. It’s dizzying. I can feel the blood rushing in waves through my ears.

The alarm clock on the nightstand says 5:38 a.m., its glow just barely illuminating the room enough to make out shadows. I move my head slowly to look up. Peter’s face is the only thing I can really see in any detail, and even though his expression is calm and still, it’s sending my stomach into somersaults, given our positions. Focus. Today is about the competition, not Peter. You need to be prepared.

I need to get up and take a shower, even if I go back to sleep. (And I really should, if I want my brain to function even slightly.)

I shift my arm slowly, retracting it like a chameleon from a National Geographic episode of Life. It takes a minute. Once it’s safely back on me and not on him, I try my leg next. I can’t believe I let any of this happen. Penis Parker. Oh my god. If things go back to normal, when is too soon to joke about this? Would he be awkward about it if I told Michelle and Ned? Of course he would. It’s Peter. He’d be mortified. A thousand other thoughts sprinting through my brain, this particular effort takes more time. Not to mention, the further I move my leg, the more off balanced I’m becoming. At least his trunks are dry now; their dampness had been uncomfortable last night.

As my leg slips off of his, he grunts, twitching slightly. My eyes flash up. Still sleeping. I let out a silent sigh.

All I need to do is slide his hand out of my hair and sneak my head off of his chest. It might be easier if all of my weight wasn’t balanced on one side of my body. Nevertheless, it can’t be that hard. God, I won’t be able to say “hard” with a straight face for weeks.

I reach just behind my ear to find his hand. Gingerly, I lift it while I ease my head out from underneath. My hair catches some, but I shift my fingers until it falls from his. Perfect. I set his hand back down, on his chest.

Before I can roll over to exit the bed, my vision of the alarm clock is obstructed by a sudden, heavy shadow.

“Wait,” Peter says, voice thick with sleep as he rolls on top of me, arms latched with an iron grip around my middle. “I can’t figure out the code ‘cause it’s just, like, so ughhh, you know? It’s the sleep. Jus-just makes sense. Promotion for the… the, uh, future of Parker Industries. Right.”

As he slurs nonsense into the crook of my neck and shoulder, he moves the rest of his body like a child trying to get comfy in their blankets, his torso squirming against mine frozen beneath him. His words half-pressed into the skin of my collarbone send shivers through my spine and I fight some jittery sound rising in my throat. I might have more time to process this, how absurdly good it might feel, but his weight is literally crushing the air from my lungs and I don’t even want to explain where certain parts of him are on me.

I try to wiggle out from under him to catch my breath, my hands pulling at the bedsheets as I struggle.

But I can’t move. He’s too heavy. Anxiety floods and washes through my bones.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I really can’t breathe.

Images of Ross Geller and Chandler Bing pop into my head, blaring like panic alarms.

Hug and Roll. Hug and Roll. Hug and Roll.

I mirror Peter’s embrace and wrap my arms around him as tightly as possible. I squeeze and roll.

Not enough.

I don’t get more than halfway, a half gasp of air, before my back hits the bed again, his weight shoving each of my ribs downward into each other. Peter merely tightens his grip and nuzzles his face into my hair, muttering something about Happy Hogan and shampoo.

Come on, come on. Do it. Get yourself out. Hug and Roll. Just do it.

This time, I put all my strength into it.

Fuck. Almost.

The fall backward hits even harder this time. Peter clings tighter still and my lungs might as well be deflated plastic bags. Shit, I might actually pass out in another ten seconds. My vision is darkening. I can’t see the alarm clock anymore.

I jam my foot hard into the mattress and roll our bodies to the right before using the momentum to roll sharply left, scrambling so both of my feet dig into the bed, one nearly tripping over the other.

Yes!

I gasp, nearly choking and almost not caring if the sound wakes him up.

We’re on the other side of the bed — thank god — and I’m on top of Peter.

Relief melts my posture, the former strain in my neck and back fading out. I rest my forehead against his shoulder, eyes closed tight.

After a dozen full, deep breaths, I move to get up.

I can’t.

Peter’s arms are still locked around me. The grip is looser at least, and I can breathe perfectly fine, but I know my chances of breaking his super grip are slimmer than slim.

Shit.

The jabbing in my hip is growing more and more frustrating each moment. If he wakes up like this… we may never speak again, even if we forgive each other for last night. I can already picture it: Peter would drown himself in embarrassment, sputtering apologies as his face turns a thousand shades of red. I’d like to spare both of us from that. If possible, I’d like to avoid any more unnecessary stress between us. I need things to be normal with Peter… and this is not normal for us.

“Nah, man,” Peter’s mumbling next to my ear. “Mr. S is chill, no worries. Keep it on the D.L. and no problema, partner.”

If we were on stabler terms, I might try to reach my phone to record this. His retainers are making him sound drunk and soft and oh so stupid. And his skin is so warm. His breath is tingling the side of my neck, my toes curling in response.

Maybe… maybe I’ll just rest my eyes for a couple minutes.

Next chapter

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[3416]

Wasn’t expecting Tk to be drugged too 😔 I’ve been concentrating on Carlos getting hurt the whole time. But now I can see how it’ll lead into the next episode and potentially where they’ll be some angst if Carlos doesn’t think Tk should be saying he’s back at Day 1 of his sobriety etc and maybe Tk wants Carlos to meet his sponsor so Carlos can understand TK’s head space more? Unless the sponsor doesn’t actually agree with Tk? I’m not actually sure. And I’m also wondering if Tk has already told Carlos about his near relapse or whether that’ll be a part of 13’s storyline with TK’s addiction. So many questions and no answers of course 😅

i don't think they'll have the day one thing mentioned with carlos probably since they already gave us that at the firehouse, but he definitely is going to notice and try to comfort tk in a way that might ? kind of annoy tk bc he doesn't get it. like obviously from the quote tim shared, one of the big stressors is gonna be the fact that tk's coming home later than normal and it's concerning for carlos, who's not let in on all of the info. i am VERY curious if the introduction of the sponsor is tk's idea or if it's a coincidence or something that leads them to have conversations later in the ep, but for right now i'm gonna guess it's actually tk's idea (wishful thinking). there's a possibility of them running into the person randomly (the word surprise in the synopsis is the biggest hint), the person mentioning smth abt seeing tk later... some fight is sparked bc carlos didn't know exactly where he's been going bc he's been walled off abt it... then cue a makeup scene where they communicate n tk lets him in on it. i also don't think tk's told him about the almost relapse but idk!! if we'll even get thatjfjfk i hope so.

[izzyinarchive]

discussing the final season of carmen sandiego

*spoilers* umm....so yeah, i finished watching carmen sandiego, and i’m left in a state of perpetual sadness and despair. i feel like the ending of the show wrapped up wayyy too fast, and kind of left off on a bit of an unsatisfactory note for some of the characters. although i love the large and diverse cast of carmen sandiego, one of the drawbacks of having all those characters and arcs and storylines makes it harder to cram in a satisfying conclusion for everyone in a twenty-minute episode. so here’s what i would do if there was more time. 

let’s start off with the threads that i think were tied off pretty well: 

julia & chase devineaux: i wasn’t really a shipper of julia and devineaux but i actually really enjoyed their relationship throughout season 4. we see a lot of character growth from devineaux in the way that he interacts with julia and the world. julia pushes devineaux to become a better person, to see things with a broader perspective and from other people’s points of view. and he does really change a lot into an understanding person instead of the overconfident, arrogant detective we first saw him as in season 1. in addition, he also grows to respect julia as a person and partner, and it’s completely adorable how he looks at her while zari tells julia that they’ll follow her lead. also i love how he keeps wearing his lucky cat jacket from san francisco in season 4.  

el topo & le chevre: okay, i was pretty much shipping these two the minute they showed up on the screen together. you can tell how much they care about each other throughout the series. whenever one of them gets hurt, you can really see how they prioritize each other over whatever thing vile is planning. when things are good, they’re so sweet and they have so much fun together. and they take dumb cute selfies. they’re so, so adorable, and this season definitely brings the shipping fodder. and they end the season moving on from vile and running a food truck together. the only thing i’m mad about is that we definitely needed more screen time from them. 

shadowsan: i didn’t like shadowsan in season 1 but over the course of the series he really went through a lot of major character development and i love how he’s now basically a grumpy dad figure to carmen. the season ends with him finally reuniting for good with his brother in japan, and it’s a satisfying conclusion for his arc. i also love how he was the one to help carmen in the finale when she’s struggling with the brainwashing thing. which is way better than the brainwashing being resolved by some bs like true love’s kiss. (also carmen and gray are way too hurt and they’re super not ready for a relationship.)  carmen sandiego is a show that emphasizes the importance of family with this father-daughter duo, and i think that’s something really valuable. also i’m interpreting that shadowsan isn’t permanently moving to japan, but rather just visiting his brother. he’s still definitely going to be there for carmen going forward when she needs him. 

player & carmen’s friendship: i love this show for having a male/female friendship with absolutely no romantic feelings going on. it’s a solid friendship, and depicts a wholesome, supportive relationship. absolutely no qualms here.

and here’s all the stuff that needs expanding/fixing: 

tigress: i actually really love tigress as a character, and i personally think that there should have been more of her in the series. i would have liked to see more depth and motivation to her, since she has a lot of character potential. i don’t really know how i would rewrite tigress’s arc, because it’s virtually nonexistent and there’s not too much to go off of. i don’t think she needs a redemption arc, but i would give her more of a spotlight. (also low key fictional-crushing on her.) i would like to include sort of a tigress-centric episode, which can also generally be more expansion on the inner workings of vile.

cleo & saira: villain couple. villain couple. they need to be a villain couple, enough said. i would rewrite season 4 to have include an emotional downbeat moment in which saira struggles with being able to fit in with society and humans and being completely awkward at it while cleo, in all her regal and ettiquite-esque manners, tries to help. this wouldn’t really help with the main plot, but it would be humanizing and provide character depth. i feel like this could be the b-plot in the tigress episode somehow. 

coach brunt: you don’t betray family. at this point, coach brunt has lost the daughter she raised, who, in her mind, has basically backstabbed her entirely. coach brunt was also betrayed by shadowsan and left for the police to find, and in season 4, malestrom basically abandons her to drown. and it’s highly likely that somewhere in her backstory she’s been betrayed many times, likely by her own blood family, which would provide context for why she’s such a loyal person to vile, who she thinks of as her found family. in rewriting season four, i’m adding one extra episode that’s solely on the backstory of coach brunt. in this episode, we would explore brunt’s upbringing and the first time she is betrayed by someone she considers family. in my opinion, coach brunt was likely pushed to fall by another influence, but she also makes the conscious choice to choose revenge over moving on. potentially, we could also explore brunt’s budding friendship with the mechanic, who we never see again after that one episode, as well as a reflection upon this from her adult self. 

gray & the freaking mind control thing & his moral struggles: *sighs* i can see what the show is going for, but i really just don’t see it in the execution. the way that gray struggles with morality is like it’s an on and off switch. he’s either graham, basic civilian, or crackle, basically evil. in that one episode, he flip flops between being overly heroic, even taking out time from his day to specifically track down a random kid to return his wallet instead of just dropping it off at the police station or leaving it where he found it. and then the flip side is like he’s just robotically relapsing into stealing mode, where he just suddenly has to impluse to steal literally anything. i feel like this flip flop wasn’t really a good portrayal of his struggle and didn’t really demonstrate many active choices made by him. and the way that he’s just like “i’m actually just evil” when he confronts carmen at the lab is just super one-dimensional. i just don’t buy it that he flips to vile so quickly in the span of a few episodes. i feel like there should have been more active reflecting and the decision should have been dragged out longer. 

also it’s revealed in the finale that gray also changed his crackle rod to not go beyond a stun, and i think this was a nice touch, because it demonstrates his aversion to murder, which calls back to the first caper, in which he’s confronted with killing the archeologist at the excavation site. but he doesn’t end up having to make that choice, because carmen stops him. but this time, it’s his own choice to take that step away from vile ideals. i don’t think gray is ever going to be a “hero” of the traditional sense or have a complete redemption arc, because it just doesn’t fit him. to be honest, i don’t know what the future will hold for gray, but i definitely think of he will fall somewhere along the lines of red x (teen titans) or catwoman’s (in certain comic runs) gray morality. (and i think the way gray returns to vile kind of screws this up.) he’s still going to steal stuff sometimes probably, but he’s not going to straight up murder people. he would probably be the type to work for himself alone mostly, but be okay teaming up with the good guys sometimes. definitely no joining evil organizations tho. 

gray & carmen & the “i know you’re in there somewhere fight:” i definitely ship these two, but i think they’ve got a long way to go before they’re really ready to admit their feelings for each other. i’m happy that the “i know you’re in there somewhere fight” didn’t culminate in a kiss scene being the thing that snapped carmen out of the trance. because that is just so cliche and not the message of the show. instead, it’s shadowsan who does. and that makes sense going along with the themes of family. i think the issue with this i dislike how there is no more elaboration after carmen supposedly kills gray. this is her best friend. i would imagine that the reaction would be greater, since he was also her friend and teammate during the months they were both working under vile. and then when carmen’s brainwashing wears off, she agonizes that she killed her best friend. but that’s it. the “i know you’re in there somewhere fight” is the last screen appearance of both of them together. then it’s directly cutting to taking down vile. there should have been a hospital scene where carmen rides with him in the ambulance and talks to him as he’s unconscious, and leaves behind a note for him to read when he’s awake. 

i just really think there should be a “heart to heart” scene somewhere in this finale where they confront their feelings (not romantic stuff, but more about like shared trauma at the hands of vile and their broken apart friendship). this could happen at that sydney cafe. both times carmen and gray go on a “date” she leaves him sitting there alone, bewlildered. i think the finale should include a scene of them leaving the cafe together and then walking away and waving to each other. this shows development in their relationship, and that they are now closer, but it also visually shows that they still have differences as they walk away with a sort of two toned kind of environment angle that shows the different paths they have chosen. (and carmen calls him gray. and he doesn’t correct her.) it’s more of a see you later, than a goodbye though. we’re also getting rid of that part of when gray says he doesn’t want to complicate carmen’s life in the hospital scene. instead, he’s going to ask for a sheet of paper on which he will write an indiscernible letter to carmen. (the same letter will be seen in at the carmen brand outerwear hq a few scenes later for continuity, but unopened at the time, as if carmen’s not yet ready to read it. i feel like both of them need to heal a bit on their own before they’re ready to reconnect. gray knows he has hurt carmen in the past but he also knows it will hurt her if he disappears without a trace, so he’s leaving her with the choice if she wants to see him again instead of making the choice for her.)

ivy & zach & found family: carmen leaves a note behind for ivy and zach and leaves to find her mother. i feel like this did not handle team red’s found family very well. basically, the whole show is setting up this importance of family, especially found family not blood family kind of narrative. vile blood runs in carmen’s veins but she chooses to do good and find her own family. ivy and zach both choose carmen, their found family, over their racing career. i think that they should have stuck together, and when carmen goes to find her mom, they would have been totally onboard dropping her off at the airport and saying a “see you soon” or actually driving her to carlotta valdez’s house in lydia (the car). i just don’t think that splitting them up via a note is really a satisfying conclusion to the whole found family aspect. and in that time skip carmen really should have stopped by to say hi to the zach and ivy and the acme squad instead of maintaining the air of mystery. that would have definitely pushed the family feel, instead of the mysterious loner archetype. 

that time skip thing: yeah, no. this part was completely not needed and unhelpful. instead, we’re going to have carmen hug her mother at the airport, and go to visit all of her friends and found family, especially shadowsan in japan and ivy and zach in presumably boston. and the time skip will be a few onths not two effing years. i think it’s natural for them to grow apart a bit and pursue their own personal goals in life after vile’s gone, but they’ll definitely be staying in touch and reconnecting and seeing each other pretty often. and lastly of all, carmen will meet gray at the cafe in sydney.

basically, this is how i would redo the episodes for season 4. 

episode 1: the beijing bullion caper. (this episode remains as is for the most part, i would like more expansion on lady doksu and shadowsan's past since it seems like their pasts are more tied together than is revealed)

episode 2: the big bad ivy caper. (this episode remains as is for the most part.)

episode 3: the robo caper. (the scenes in which carmen first meets the robot and ivy runs it over with a truck can stay the same. where we start to deviate is with gray’s story with a revised, more complex, and in depth view of his moral struggles. instead of being unaware largely as gray flops between graham/crackle, he’s going to be a lot more aware. he’s still going to rob the house, but instead it’s because he feels hopeless that since he was previously a criminal, that’s all he’s ever going to be. gray doesn’t want to be a civilian, and feels like the only thing that he can do instead is be a part of vile. however, when he sees carmen again, he’s going to realize that if she got out of vile, then that means he has a chance to get out of it too. gray comes to a crossroads of deciding between carmen and vile, good and evil. 

episode 4: this will be the episode that concentrates on tigress, with a cleo/saira b-plot. most of this episode will take place within vile, and give more insights on the workings of the organization. 

episode 5: the himalayan rescue caper. (this episode is going to get a real makeover. with the insertion of episode 4, this creates more actual space between the last time we see gray grappling with his big choices, which makes it feel like more time has passed. so it actually feels like he had more time to think. carmen’s still going to try to rescue gray, and the part with player can stay the same. as gray is manipulated by malestrom, i think this episode should further emphasize how vile manipulates their recruits and amp up the shittiness of how malestrom is acting. i think malestrom should say something along the lines indicating that vile is gray’s only family left, this is what he was born to do, he belongs with them, and make up a bunch of bullshit lies about carmen. malestrom will portray this stuff as the “truth” and then say something like “we told you to the full truth, while carmen was hiding your past from you. didn’t you say you wanted to piece together more of your past?” (which gray did express interest in a previous episode.) since more time has passed, malestrom will play the “if carmen wanted to rescue you, she would have done so already. she abandoned you.” card. of course, it’s not easy to get into a super advanced vile facility, so instead carmen’s going to be having more struggles with getting in, which is the real reason she’s taking a while.) i want to keep the scene where he says that his name is crackle, not gray and not graham. i think this scene is particularly painful because graham/crackle is kind representative of the two sides of good and evil that gray thinks he has to choose between. gray will accuse carmen of abandoning him, both in the present but demonstrating that he’s still hurt by the time when she first left vile, and all those times when she kept secrets from him and disappearing in sydney. carmen asks him to leave with her, but instead of him being like “i’m bad, and i was always a villain,” he’s just going to be hurt and feel manipulated and be so conflicted. i feel like gray would choose vile, but not because it’s where he belongs but because he’s afraid of being brainwashed again if he doesn’t agree and because he just wants to know the truth, which vile happened to tell him first (and carmen had been hiding it from him for a while). why would it make sense for gray to willingly side with vile because he’s “throughly bad?” actions speak louder than words, and it’s clear that he’s definitely not evil enough for vile. 

episode 6: the vile history caper. (we’re just going to keep this episode as is for the most part. but like more el topo and le chevre moments.) 

episode 7: this will be the coach brunt backstory episode, piggybacking off of her hurt feelings about maelstrom’s intended betrayal. 

episode 8: the egyptian decryption caper. (this one is just going to be as is for the most part. the cleaners kidnap carmen, but we’re going insert one more painstaking scene of gray learning of vile’s plan to kidnap carmen. he’s not going to know they are planning to brainwash her. he’s going to feel conflicted and try to protest, but then realizes that now that he’s stuck with vile, if he goes against them he’s probably going to get brainwashed himself. and the brainwashing was really traumatizing, so it’s understandable he’s really afraid of it happening to him again.)

episode 9: the viennese waltz caper. (mostly just keeping this episode as is, but more worrying gray scenes. i feel like he should have had a bigger reaction to seeing carmen so unlike her personality. carmen’s lack of empathy should have pushed himself to question if vile is really a healthy place for anyone if they’re so willing to brainwash his best friend in a greater capacity. i think gray should recognize how bad the situation is but he still won’t act upon it since he’s trapped in the nostalgia of their old squad and since he’s been abandoned by carmen before, he’s too afraid that reversing the brainwashing will result in a repeat of her leaving him again. and he’s still afraid of the brainwashing.) 

episode 10 + 11 + 12. the dark red caper. (yeah, this episode is kind of just way too quickly wrapped up. i’m going to expand this into a three parter so we have more time to focus on everyone. basically, we’re going to expand this for the angst. and because this is the last season and i need more content. i feel like we can follow the general plot trajectory but with more nuance and include the improvements i wrote above about the finale. absolutely pushing the found family trope to its limits, and less vagueness since there’s not going to be another season. oh yeah, and the scene when carmen fights shadowsan, i feel like they could have amped up the emotional stuff and make it as much as about him being her dad figure as the doll because #foundfamily. and also the extra time gives more space for all of that other stuff like endings for all the characters, and more team red found family, and a bit about the non-jailed vile operatives, and the acme team, and also maybe a little infrastructure rebuilding montage, and also that carmen and gray moment.)  

basically i just want a satisfying ending for gray, and i love him, and he can’t just stare out of the hospital bedroom and agree to stay out of her life while melancholy music plays. 

[specialagentsergio]

all we can do is keep breathing || chapter one

summary: He’s out of prison now, but your boyfriend is very much not okay. When he isn’t reinstated, he spirals down quickly, and you don’t know how to help him out of it. (or, spencer relapses post-prison and goes to rehab)

pairing: spencer reid x gn!reader

category: angst (eventual happy ending)

content warnings: swearing, drug abuse & addiction, an overdose, substance use disorder, ptsd, mentions of suicide, mentions of/implied sex, references to sexual assault, description of a panic attack/ptsd episode. please read with caution; this content can be triggering.

a/n: honestly, i just wrote this for myself. but it was partially inspired by @zhuzhubii ‘s brilliant and heart wrenching fic i know what’s best for me (but i want you instead). mine takes a different turn, but theirs is amazing as well.  

a/n 2: disclaimer that while i have both been a patient at a residential treatment center and currently work at one, i don’t have substance use disorder and we don’t treat it specifically at my current workplace. my experience is also all in adolescent centers rather than adult ones, so this won’t be entirely accurate.

word count: 8k

song: paralyzed by nf

fic masterlist || masterlist

Nothing’s been the same since Mexico.

You weren’t naïve. You hadn’t been expecting things to go right back to normal when he got home from prison. You were prepared for Spencer to struggle. And you were ready to do whatever it took to help him recover from this trauma.

But you had never expected that that dedication would lead you to here—sitting on the couch at 11 o’clock at night, tired but wide awake, waiting for him to return from god knows where. A few cardboard boxes filed with the last of his things are stacked neatly beside you.

Spencer’s six-year sobriety coin sits in your hand. You’d found it in the trash a few days after he got home. You had tried to talk him into keeping it—"you were drugged; it’s not your fault”—but he had refused, leading you to believe there was something he wasn’t telling you. But you hadn’t pushed him on it, as that would just be a surefire way to make him double down on keeping it to himself.

He didn’t want the coin, but you kept it, hidden from his sight, hoping he’d want it back someday.

Now, three months later, you weren’t sure that day was going to come.

He had managed to get by for six weeks. He’d been plagued by nightmares and suffered multiple panic attacks, but he’d pushed through the cravings, gone to all his mandated therapy appointments, and attended refresher courses on procedures and firearms. He did everything the bureau required to consider reinstating him.

The day of the meeting, Spencer had seemed a little nervous, but stable. He’d gotten a good night’s sleep, free of bad dreams, and he had given you a kiss goodbye that felt just like the ones he’d always given you before. Then he walked out the door, and you didn’t hear from him for the rest of the day.

You got the news from Emily. The bureau had decided not to reinstate him “at this time”. They recommended that he reapply in six months, but for now, he wouldn’t be getting his badge and gun back.

Your initial reaction had been relief. Although you had shown Spencer nothing but encouragement, you weren’t sure he would ever be ready to go back, let alone so soon. You didn’t even know why he was reapplying. He’d worked for them for over a decade and become a well-respected agent, but when he needed help, the bureau had abandoned him and refused to help him prove his innocence. You had been so furious you could barely speak when JJ told you their decision.

Spencer didn’t share your sentiment—or if he did, he didn’t want to face it. On some level, you understood. The BAU was his home before you were, and you could imagine that after the chaos of the last three months, he desperately wanted his life to just go back to normal. So even though you weren’t sure that this was the best decision for him to make—especially since he seemed to have barely thought about it at all—you’d supported him. Whatever he needed, right?

You tried calling him after talking to Emily, but he didn’t answer. It didn’t worry you too much at first—Spencer often needed space to process things on his own before talking about it. You wouldn’t be able to have a proper conversation until you were off work anyways.

It was around six when the anxiety kicked in. You’d tried calling him a few more times throughout the day to no avail. You hadn’t even gotten a text back. Then you started getting messages from his team, asking how he was doing and if he was okay. They hadn’t heard from him either.

When you’d gotten home, you had immediately looked to the chair Spencer always left his bag on. It was empty. You’d looked through all the rooms anyways, trying to ignore what your gut was telling you he was off doing.

It was a few more hours before he stumbled through the front door, his eyes glassy and footing unstable. You stood in front of him, putting your hands on his upper arms to keep him steady. When he had caught your eyes, he had started to cry.

He’d been more or less inconsolable for the rest of the night, blubbering out apologies as you guided him through the motions of getting into bed. He’d clung to you and you’d murmured reassurances against his skin and into his hair that you still loved him, that you didn’t think any less of him, that he would be okay. You had truly thought he would be at the time.

But he wasn’t okay, not at all. He quickly became stuck in a cycle of using, promising it was the last time, staying clean for a little while, then relapsing. You had pleaded with him to get help, but he’d become... aggressive when you suggested inpatient treatment.

“Don’t ever say that,” he’d snarled. “I’m not my mother.”

Then later that same night, he had crawled into bed next to you at 2 AM, curled up against your side, and begged in a trembling voice, “please don’t send me away.”

You haven’t had the courage to bring it up again until now.

Four days ago, you hit your breaking point. You’d come home from work and found him limp on the couch, barely breathing, a syringe and little glass vial next to him. You’d dialed 911 as you ran into the bedroom, yanked open your bedside table, and pulled out the auto injectable dose of Narcan you’d acquired a few weeks ago just in case. Thanks to that, Spencer was conscious again by the time the EMTs arrived. He resisted being taken to the ER, alternating between scowling at them and looking at you with pleading eyes.

But you didn’t give in. When he had checked himself out of the hospital an hour later (you had refused to do it for him), you had driven him home, but the entire time you were formulating a plan. You’d realized that you were padding his rock bottom, and you couldn’t do it anymore.

So now here you are, waiting on the couch. You hope it will work this time. About a month ago you had tried staging an intervention with his team, but as soon as he saw them, he’d walked right back out of the room and you hadn’t seen him again for nearly two days.  

It’s another hour before he arrives home, and it takes his drug-fogged mind a full minute to process what he’s seeing. His voice is hoarse when he asks, “You’re leaving?”

“No,” you reply. “You are.”

Spencer sways slightly on his feet as he thinks. “You’re kicking me out,” he realizes.

You try to ignore the prick of tears in your eyes and focus on keeping your voice steady. “Yes. I am.”

His bottom lip starts to tremble. “You... you can’t do this,” he whispers.

“No, I can,” you say. You take a deep breath before you continue. “But more than that, I have to.”

For the first time in months, Spencer doesn’t try and hide his tears from you. He cries openly. His back hits the wall and he slides down it, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. It’s unbelievably hard to watch.

You stand and approach him cautiously, almost as if he’s an animal that you don’t want to spook, reaching into your back pocket and holding out a keycard. “I booked you a room for the night at that motel a few streets over, so you can... sleep it off. But after that, you’re on your own.”

He looks up at you with those big brown eyes that you love so much, but they don’t look like they used to. Now they’re bloodshot and his pupils are pinpricks. “(Y/N), please, please don’t do this,” he whimpers. “Please, this is the last time. I won’t do it again, I promise.”

You just shake your head. His words are nothing new. “Your car is already in the parking lot there with the rest of your things.”

It’s like a switch flips, his broken expression contorting into a glare. “Fine,” he practically growls. He pushes your hand away and staggers to his feet. “I don’t want that shitty motel room. I’ll just go stay with JJ. She actually cares about me.”

You expected him to lash out like this, but the words still sting. “You really think JJ’s going to let you be around her boys like this?” you ask quietly.

The anger on his face is offset some by the tears and snot still running down it.. And you know he knows that you’re right. “So this is it, huh?” he says coldly, wiping his nose on the back of his hand. “Six years together, all we’ve been through. It’s just over now.”

You retreat back to the couch, placing the keycard on top of the boxes. “That’s actually up to you.”

His laugh is derisive. “You could have fooled me!”

You swallow around the lump in your throat. “I don’t want this to be permanent. You can stay now, or come back, on one condition.”

Spencer folds his arms over his chest defensively. “Which is?”

“You have to agree to check into a treatment center.”

The look of betrayal on his face breaks your heart. Tears spill out of your eyes before you can stop them; you swipe them away and take a deep breath to try and hold the rest of them off.

It’s a while before he speaks again, and his voice is quiet when he does. “How can you say that.” It’s not a question.

“It’s what you need, Spencer,” you answer. “You’re not coping with what happened to you. Not just prison, everything that’s happening to your mom, too—”

“Don’t talk about my mother!”

You flinch. He’s never raised his voice at you before. It’s the drugs, you try to remind yourself. It’s just the drugs, he doesn’t really mean it.

He storms forward and you scurry out of the way on instinct. He scoffs. “What, you think I’m going to hurt you?”

“You’re scaring me right now,” you admit quietly.

Spencer tries to cover up the hurt with a scowl, but you can still see it in his eyes. “You really think that little of me?”

You open your mouth to speak, then close it again. You don’t know what to say. Spencer would never hurt you, you know that without a doubt. But the Spencer you know, the man you fell in love with... he’s not the same person when he’s using. And with how high and emotional he is right now, you don’t know what to expect. “I... I don’t know anymore, Spencer,” you answer honestly.

He shrugs. “Maybe you’re right to think that. I did some awful things in there, you know.” He says it matter-of-factly, but you recognize it as a glimpse of one of the things he’s using the drugs to escape from, one of the things he won’t talk about.

He gathers up the boxes in his arms; you pretend not to notice him pocketing the keycard. You’re worried about him carrying them safely in his current state and almost reach out to steady him before recognizing from the tension in his shoulders that touching him right now will only make things worse.

He stops at the door and you hurry to open it for him. “I really believed you loved me, you know,” he whispers, the anger falling off of his face.

The words are like a blow to the stomach; it knocks the breath out of your lungs. “I do,” you choke out. “I do love you.”

Spencer doesn’t answer. He just shakes his head and walks out the door.

He doesn’t look back.

---

It’s been the longest two weeks of your life.

You haven’t heard from Spencer since the night he left. You weren’t expecting him to come around to the idea of rehab quickly, but you thought he might try and call you within a few days and try to talk his way out of the hole he’d found himself in.

He didn’t.

All you could do was wait, and hope that that night wasn’t going to end up being the last time you saw him alive. In a way, it was worse than it had been when he was in prison, because this time, you were the reason he was gone.

His team has mixed feelings on what you’ve done.

JJ is mad. She asks, “how could you?”, and, “you really think this will work?” You try to be patient with her—you know she’s so upset because she loves him. She already lost her older sister and now she’s scared of losing the man who’s practically her brother. But when she (perhaps unintentionally) insinuates that you did this because you’d just had enough of him, you snap, telling her she has no right to say that when you know she wouldn’t let him stay at her house while he’s using. She keeps her thoughts to herself after that.

Emily is sympathetic. She was there the first time he started using and had subsequently gotten her head bitten off when she tried to reach out and help him. “I know how hard it is to get through to him when he’s... like this. You just let me know if I can help at all.”

Luke is much the same. He’s had his own struggles with PTSD and understands the toll it takes on everyone, not just the one with it. He’s always happy to offer you some time with Roxy, because he’s right—things really do feel better when you’re petting her.

Rossi isn’t... indifferent, exactly. He just doesn’t seem to have much of an opinion one way or the other. You think it’s because he doesn’t know what an alternative would be. For all his experience in psychology, he’s unsure of how to help Spencer.

You don’t know Matt very well yet, but he’s kind to you, even going so far as to bring you a dish of his wife’s lasagna.

Penelope is an absolute angel with her warm hugs and baked goods. She keeps an eye on Spencer’s cell phone location for you, in the event that he ends up at a police precinct or hospital.

Out of everyone, you like talking to Tara the most. She’s so supportive and understanding. You feel like she’s the only one who truly knows what the past few months have been like for you. She just gets it, having lived with a partner with substance use disorder before. “You’re doing the best you can and that’s all that matters,” she tells you. She even goes to a Narcotics Anonymous family meeting with you.

It’s day fourteen without Spencer, and it doesn’t feel much different. It feels bleak. You go to work and run errands, but you only manage it because it’s habit.

You’re rinsing off your plate from dinner when there’s a knock on the door. Your heart leaps into your throat. You aren’t expecting anyone. You try—in vain—not to hope too hard as you go to answer it. It could just be someone dropping by on a whim, or, god forbid, a police officer with bad news.

Please, Spencer. Please let it be you.

When you look through the peephole, you’re unable to hold back a sob of relief. His eyes are fixed on the doormat so you can’t quite see his face, but you’d recognize that head of hair anywhere, even in its current unwashed and disheveled state. You take a few deep breaths before opening the door, for his sake. You crying all over him is likely the last thing he wants or needs.

He doesn’t look up when you open the door, and you realize he’s waiting for you to make the first move.

“Spencer,” you say softly.

It’s a few more moments before he responds. “I’ll do it,” he finally mutters; you can just barely hear him.

Your breath catches in your chest. “You’ll do what?” you ask.

He glances up then, a look of annoyance flashing across his face.

“I’m not trying to be difficult,” you say, voice shaky from the effort of holding back tears. “I just... I need to hear you say it.”

He sighs and looks back down, tugging on the ends of his sleeves. “I’ll... I’ll go to... to re—rehab.”

Tension you didn’t even know you were holding in your body melts away. You step to the side. “Come in,” you whisper.

He shuffles inside. When you turn back from closing the door, he’s just standing still in the middle of the room. You get a better look at him now. His clothes are rumpled and his hair is an absolute mess, tangled and dirty. It doesn’t look like he’s had a shower or shave for at least a week—you figure he’s probably been sleeping in his car. His face is pale and his hands are trembling; as you move closer, you can see a light sheen of sweat on his face, leading you to believe that he’s currently sober and starting to experience withdrawal symptoms.

You touch his arm gently and he makes a distressed whining sound. You guide him to sit on the couch. When you sit next to him, he looks at you with teary eyes. You open your arms in an invitation and he collapses into you, bursting into tears. “’m sorry,” he stutters out between sobs. “I—I didn’ mean it. I... ‘m so s—sorry, (Y/N).”

You cry too, holding him tight against you. “I know, baby,” you whisper, voice breaking. “I know.”

---

Spencer’s mostly nonverbal for his intake process. Whether it’s by choice or not is something you’re unsure of. In a private room a few hallways away from the main ward, you’re introduced to the admissions supervisor, Susan, whose voice you recognize from the phone calls you’d made to get him into one of the beds here. You also meet Spencer’s new therapist, Lara. She has a kind face and seems to have a good sense of humor. You just hope Spencer will like her.

You’re both given paperwork to read through and sign, as he’s on your health insurance now. Naturally, he’s done with them before you’ve finished the first page. Susan is taken aback. “Oh. Um, sir, we do need you to actually read this paperwork,” she says.

Spencer folds his arms and stares down at the carpet. “I did.”

“He, uh, he can speed read,” you explain. She still looks skeptical, so you add, “I’m serious. He reread War and Peace on the drive here.”

He doesn’t talk again until everything’s in order and you’re given five minutes alone to say goodbye. “I don’t want to do this,” he whispers.

“Is it okay if I touch you?” you ask. When he nods, you pull at his arms gently until they relax and fall open, then take one of his hands and squeeze it. “I don’t want to, either. I’m so tired of being away from you. But...” You take a deep breath. “But I also don’t want to bury you. You know this is what you need, right?”

He shrugs, refusing to meet your eyes. You can’t quite tell what that means—whether he agrees but wishes that wasn’t the case, or if he’s only doing this to appease you. You hope it’s the former. While it’s a possibility that this might not work either way, you feel like that’s more likely to happen if he isn’t doing this for himself as well, if he doesn’t want to get better.

But it’s out of your hands now. All you can do is trust in the people here to take care of him and that they want what’s best for him.

You put your hand on his cheek and turn his head towards you, trying to get him to look at you. His words from that night run through your head—I really believed you loved me. When he glances up, you seize the moment.

“I love you, Spencer. So much. If there’s just one thing you can trust in right now, please let it be that,” you plead.

He sniffles and you think you see a nod from him, but you can’t be sure. And it hurts a bit—you’re not used to him not saying “I love you” back. You can’t dwell on that now, though. You’ve only got a few minutes left before you have to leave him.

You stand, pulling him up with you. “Can I hu—” you start, but you’re cut off by him lunging forward and clinging to you. You comfort him as best as you can, running one hand up and down his back and using the other to cradle the back of his head as he cries into your neck, muttering incomprehensible words against your skin.

When the door opens, his entire body tenses against you. “Spencer,” you say gently, trying to stop your voice from wavering too much. “You have to let go now.”

He doesn’t budge. If anything, he holds onto you tighter. “Baby—“ you start.

“No,” he says suddenly, his voice louder than you’ve heard it in days. “No, I can’t—I won’t—”

Before you know it, he’s twisted around to stand behind you. You open and close your mouth a few times, startled and unsure what to say. “Spencer, what—what’s wrong?”

“No,” he repeats, shaking his head. “I can’t do it again. I—I won’t.” Then he starts to rub at one of his eyes in the way you’ve seen so many times since he came home from prison and it hits you—he feels like he’s getting locked up again.

A glance at the door shows expressions of sympathy on Susan and Lara’s faces. What with the “war on drugs” sending addicts to prison, this probably isn’t the first time they’ve seen a reaction like this.

You doubt any of their previous patients were framed for murder and had their mother kidnapped by a vengeful psychopath, though.

Spencer’s entire body is trembling when you look back at him, and it’s not from the lingering withdrawal symptoms. It’s heartbreaking, but it only affirms your belief that he needs to be here. It’s clear that he can’t tolerate what he feels and what he knows without turning to self-destructive coping mechanisms.

“Take me home,” he whimpers. “Take me home, please. I want to go home.”

You swallow hard. “I can’t.”

“But they’re gonna hurt me,” he cries. “They’re gonna hurt me because I hurt them; don’t you care if I get hurt?”

You think you know what he’s talking about. You don’t know the details—Spencer wouldn’t let Emily or JJ tell you—but you do know he was hurt in prison by the other inmates. You had seen the bruises yourself. And then you’d heard that some of the inmates were poisoned. He’s a graduate chemist—you’d put it together. You don’t know why he did it, but you assume that he hadn’t had much of a choice.  

“They’re not here, Spencer.” You try to stop him from scratching so hard at his eyes, but he flinches at your touch. “They’re not here; they can’t hurt you anymore,” you repeat instead.

Lara comes up to your side. “Let us take care of him, okay?”

Oh, but you don’t want to. Spencer’s so upset and you can’t bear the thought of leaving him like this, not when all you want to do is hold him and never let go. It’s what you’ve wanted since the moment he stepped out of Millburn. But isn’t this the whole point of bringing him here? You can’t help him on your own. You have to let him go.

When Lara coaxes you to take a step back, Spencer makes the most awful, wounded noise. “Don’t leave me, please,” he begs. “Don’t leave me again.”

You press the back of your hand to your mouth to hold back a sob. “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?” you manage to say. “And I’ll visit you as soon as I can.”

“No, it’s not o—okay,” he protests, his voice breaking. “It’s not—I—” He presses his hands into his eyes and backs up until he’s in the corner. He drops to the floor and curls up, hugging his knees to his chest and burying his face in them.

Susan is able to get you to take a few more steps back; Lara takes a step forward, in Spencer’s direction.

“Um, don’t—don’t touch him,” you stutter out, desperate to help somehow. “It’ll—it’ll just make it worse.”

“I won’t,” she assures you. And she doesn’t—instead she sits on the floor several feet away from him; not close enough to be threatening but not far enough that he’d be completely unaware of her presence. It makes you feel a little better, because that’s what you do for him at home.

You let Susan guide you out of the room and to the entrance. “He’ll be okay,” she tells you as you walk. “This isn’t the first time something like this has happened, and Lara’s fantastic. It’s actually a good opportunity to start building therapeutic rapport.”

You just nod as she talks, not quite listening to what she’s saying. You just keep thinking of his face when you took a step away from him, and how small his voice sounded. It’s a storm of emotions inside of you, but among them is... relief. You don’t have to worry about keeping him safe anymore.

Leaving him in that room, terrified, surrounded by people he doesn’t know, is one of the hardest things you’ve ever done. You just hope it will be worth it.

---

It’s Spencer’s thirty-sixth birthday. You have the day off, but the alarm still sounds early in the morning. You rub your eyes and stretch, trying to shake off the sleepiness. You were up late last night, looking through the entire apartment just one more time for anything you could have missed.

It’s something you’ve done half a dozen times since he was admitted. You haven’t found any needles or Dilaudid since the first time, but you keep doing it anyways. For some reason, when you were feeling anxious about... well, everything, it would calm you down.

You can’t stop yourself from checking once more before you leave to pick him up—though not as thoroughly since you don’t have the time. You just check his hiding places—the desk drawer with the false bottom, the pair of socks he hates that stay in the back of his sock drawer, the gun safe (he’d told you the code years ago just in case and hasn’t changed it since, more worried about you being in danger and needing it than you finding things he doesn’t want you to), and the two hollowed out books at the back of two different bookshelves.

You want to believe that even if there were anything there, he wouldn’t go looking for it anymore, but you aren’t there yet. He’s been in treatment just shy of six weeks, and it’s been up and down. Two steps forward has always seemed to be accompanied by one step back.

While he usually thrived on routine, the enforced structure of the treatment facility would remind him of Millburn multiple times a day. It took the better part of two weeks for him to adjust to it. The first time you visited him, he had curled up in your arms and cried about it, saying that he was barely sleeping because he didn’t feel safe and that he just wanted to go home.

It didn’t help that he didn’t get along with his roommate. Spencer found him to be too loud, complaining to you multiple times that he always wanted to talk during quiet time. Apparently he was also working on his GED, and would constantly ask him for answers to his homework. “I wouldn’t mind helping him, but he just wants me to give him the answers instead,” he’d told you. So Spencer had just tried to ignore him.

But his patience had finally snapped a few weeks ago when his roommate drank both his own and Spencer’s shampoo in a suicide attempt, because he’d “read somewhere that shampoo was toxic.” Spencer had yelled at him, calling him a “fucking idiot”, among other things (they were promptly separated). His roommate was fine in the end—he just threw up a lot. But he was permanently moved to a different room, to both you and Spencer’s relief.

Spencer had a meltdown the next night, though, when it was time to shower. He had been given replacement shampoo from the treatment center’s supplies, but he didn’t like the smell and couldn’t stand the texture, so he’d refused to take a shower. That then resulted in him losing points for not following the structure. (Points were given for good behavior and meeting goals, and were mainly how privileges were earned.)

Naturally, Spencer had protested that this wasn’t fair, that it wasn’t his fault that he didn’t have shampoo that he could use. He’d been told that these were the rules, and he wouldn’t be given an exception. In response, Spencer had thrown the shampoo across the room, thrown himself onto his bed, buried his head under his pillow, and refused to talk to anyone.

But that night ended up marking a turn for the better in his treatment. He hadn’t responded when shift change happened and one of the night staff, Matt, checked in on him—in fact, he hadn’t moved at all. When he’d said, “tell me if there’s anything I can do to help you feel better”, Spencer had had no intention of taking him up on it.

A couple of hours later, though, when everything was quiet and he couldn’t sleep because he felt sticky and dirty from not showering, he wandered out into the commons area, holding his favorite blanket from home around himself. When asked what he needed, he’d shrugged, because he didn’t know what he needed, besides his old shampoo, and there wasn’t much to be done about that at midnight.

“I heard you had a rough time this evening,” Matt had said.

Spencer nodded absently, looking at everything but the two of them sitting on the couches.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

He shook his head.

“Okay,” Matt had replied. “Well, you can sit out here with us for a little while if you want. How’s ten minutes sound?”

Spencer had shrugged again, but sat down on the corner of the couch, pulling his legs up against his chest. He pressed his nose into the fabric of the blanket and breathed in deeply. He’d held off on washing it since got here because it smelled like you. It was comforting, and he felt himself relax some. Then, without thinking about it consciously, he opened his mouth... and talked.

He started with the shampoo incident. His voice had raised an octave and hot tears stung his eyes as he talked about how much he hated the replacement shampoo and how he felt that he was being treated unfairly by people who didn’t understand why it bothered him so much. And then he had just... kept going. He didn’t talk about specifics—he said he was framed and wrongly incarcerated, then went straight to everything that had happened since he got home. He talked about losing his job and his first relapse because of that. He talked about how he couldn’t seem to stop going back. He talked about your ultimatum and his two weeks living out of his car.

When he finally stopped, he was breathing heavily and exhausted, but he felt... lighter. It was like the dam burst. The next morning, he started talking, really talking, to his therapist. When you came by that evening to bring him new shampoo, he’d told you all about what had happened, sparing no detail. To say it shocked you was an understatement—he hadn’t been so open with you since Mexico.

The two weeks since had gone well. There were a few bumps, but otherwise he was improving, and he’d been able to earn a day visit for his birthday.

Spencer looks... good when you see him. He’s fully dressed, wearing the cardigan he knows you like the best, and it no longer looks baggy on him. He’d come back from prison a little underweight, and it had only gotten worse since. But he’s been steadily gaining it back here thanks to sobriety and regular meals. He’s got his satchel across his shoulder but he isn’t clinging to it protectively and the way he rocks up on the balls of his feet appears to be excited rather than nervous. It looks like he may have even run a brush through his hair for once.

Then he sees you, and the smile that spreads across his face... he looks like himself again. Your smile back is so big that it probably looks goofy, but you don’t care.

He hugs you as soon as you’re close enough. It’s tight, but he’s not clinging to you like you’ve grown accustomed to over the past six weeks, which you think can only be a good thing—he’s not feeling insecure or unsafe anymore.

“Happy birthday,” you say. “You look really nice.”

“Really?” he asks. “Because I got up a little early to get ready, but I didn’t shave since I’d have to check out my razor and that’s a hassle, and if you don’t like it, that’s fine. I’m not really sure myself—”

“Spencer, I don’t mind the facial hair at all,” you interrupt. “You look great. I mean it.”

He glances away shyly, his cheeks turning a little pink. “Thanks,” he murmurs.

You both sign the checkout paperwork and head out. Spencer insists on holding your hand the entire time. When you get to the car and start to let go, he tightens his grip instead and pulls you closer to him. “(Y/N).”

“Yes?”

He hesitates just slightly before placing his other hand on your cheek. “Can I kiss you?” he asks softly.

You blink, realizing that it’s been a long while since you’ve kissed. And just like that, you’re aching for his lips on yours. “Please do.”

Spencer lets your hand go then. Cradling your head in both of his hands now, he leans in and kisses you so gently. You soak it in, feeling warm inside as something you didn’t realize you were missing returns to you. When he pulls back, he looks more at peace than you’ve seen him in months.

You just look at each other for a bit. Eventually, you place a kiss on his cheek and say, “We should go before we get in trouble for loitering.”

He wants to hold your hand whenever he can on the drive home, and you let him. He tells you how his week has been going—someone in his group therapy is graduating the program in a few days, and they’ve started a new project in art therapy. You knew about the art project already, since he’d spent half of his phone time on Monday telling you how much he didn’t want to make a pottery project because he can’t stand how the clay feels on his hands when it dries. But you’ve always loved to listen to him talk, so you don’t remind him of this.

As you’re getting off the freeway fifteen minutes later, you tap the back of his hand twice to signal that you have something to say. He pauses in his infodump about the history of pottery so you can speak. “I’ve got a few presents for you at home, but I was thinking we could go to the bookstore and you can pick out some more things?”

He makes a happy humming noise. “That sounds great! There’s something I want to read up on.”

He veers off to the nonfiction section when you enter his favorite bookstore; you idly browse your favorite section as you wait. When he returns to your side, he’s holding a stack of five books, all on the same subject.

“Horses,” you say.

He nods enthusiastically, his hair bouncing. “I’m starting an equine therapy program next week.”

“Oh, that’s cool. I hope it goes well.” You don’t know much about horse therapy—seems like that’s going to be what you read about on your phone in bed tonight while you wait for sleep to come.

Spencer’s quiet on the car ride home, content to flip through his new books. He doesn’t notice when you park the car; you have to touch his arm to get his attention.

“What?” he asks without taking his eyes off of the full color spread of a mustang in his lap.

“We’re home,” you point out. With how many times he’s told you he wants to go home in the past weeks, you expect him to be excited, but he’s not. He tenses when he looks up and sees the building in front of you. “What’s wrong, Spencer?”

“Um...” He fiddles with the book’s dust jacket. “There’s... there’s not a surprise party waiting for me inside, is there?”

“Oh. No, there’s not. Just a few balloons and little banner. You, uh...” you wince a little as something occurs to you. “You weren’t wanting one, were you?”

“Absolutely not,” he immediately replies.

You chuckle a little at his certainty. “Well, good. Because I had a hell of a time convincing Penelope not to throw you a birthday party, and I don’t know if she’d ever forgive me if it turned out I was wrong and you did, in fact, want a party.”

That gets a small laugh out of him; your heart leaps at the sound. It’s been far too long since you’ve heard that.

He seems a little apprehensive as you unlock the front door, and when he walks in, he stays standing on the living room rug for a while, his eyes traveling from one side of the room to another, looking over everything. “It looks the same,” he says eventually.

“Were you expecting it not to be?” you ask.

“I don’t know,” he answers, running his fingers across one of the seams of his satchel. “It’s not that I thought you would change anything, it’s more like... I feel so much different than I did the last time I was here that it’s kind of strange to see that everything’s just like I remember it.”

You’re reminded of the last time he was standing still in the living room like this, stick-thin, dirty, and trembling from withdrawals. “Different in a good way, I hope,” you say, nervously fussing with the pile of presents on the coffee table.

He gives you a small smile. “Yes, in a good way,” he affirms softly. He notices the presents and scrunches his eyebrows. “I thought you said you only had a few presents here.”

“Most of these are from the team,” you explain. “Emily brought them by last night. They had to fly out this morning, but she wanted you to have them on your birthday.”

“Oh.” He raises his hand and it looks like he might rub at his eye but he presses his knuckles to his mouth instead. You can’t really tell what’s going on in his mind. You figure his feelings towards his team are complicated. On the one hand, they got him out of the prison, and he’s known some of them for over a decade. On the other, he wasn’t allowed to rejoin the BAU and the whole experience had made him feel humiliated. You think he wants to see them, but he also doesn’t; he’s stuck in the middle and can’t decide.

Either way, it doesn’t matter today. It’s his birthday and you want him to have a good one, so you redirect his attention. You sit on the couch and pat the spot next to you. “Will you show me your new books?”

The corners of his mouth turn up and he pads across the floor towards you. “Yeah. So, here’s what I’ve learned so far....”

The day continues in much the same fashion—quiet and laidback as you simply enjoy each other’s company. Once he shows you all of the books, you move on to the TV, catching up on the episodes of Doctor Who you’ve both missed (you didn’t want to watch it without him). You order his favorite takeout for dinner, after which you bring out his dessert—half a dozen chocolate frosting and sprinkles donuts arranged in a circle around two candles displaying 36.

“You know, it’s not really sanitary to blow all over food before sharing it,” he says.

You roll your eyes fondly. “We go over this every year. We kiss; I’m not worried about your mouth germs.”

“But it’s not just my “mouth germs”,” he corrects, making air quotes with his fingers. “It involves the entire respiratory track, so—”

“Spencer, as always, it’s a risk I’m willing to take,” you interrupt. You’ve heard this explanation before. “Now make a wish.”

He takes a moment to ponder it, then blows the candles out. You put the plate down and hand him a napkin. “We’re not going to be able to eat all of these before I have to go back,” he says, but the way he bites eagerly into the first one nearly makes you question that.

He gets through two; you only eat one, mostly full from dinner. He wants to go lay down on the bed after, “so we have more room to cuddle”. And cuddle he does, pressing as much of his body to yours as he can. One of your hands settles in his hair automatically. “Did you have a good day?” you ask, running your fingers through it.

“Mm-hmm.”

“Obviously this situation is not ideal,” you start carefully. “But I’m just so happy that you’re still... well, around for your birthday.”

Spencer turns his head into the fabric of your shirt and breathes in deeply. “Me, too,” he says quietly on the exhale.

You lay together in silence for a while, and you savor the feeling of having him in bed next to you again. Sleeping alone wasn’t anything new in your relationship, as his job took him around the country. You’d gotten used to it for the most part, but every night he wasn’t with you because he was in prison was just plain awful. After, you had him back for six weeks, then it became sporadic again as he started using. It’s been so much easier to sleep since he went into treatment, but you still miss sharing the bed with him terribly.

You look at your phone briefly to check the time. “We’ve got about three hours until we have to start heading back. I’m happy to stay like this, but we still have time to do something else if you want to.”

All he says verbally is, “okay”, but the way he squirms against you tells you that he does have something on his mind.

“Just let me know if you do,” you say gently; you don’t want him to feel pressured into speaking. Plus you’re content to lay here playing with his hair and listening to his breathing.

“Well, there is something,” he admits after a few minutes.

He doesn’t continue, so you say, “Okay. What is it?”

He sighs and sits up. “It’s... it’s nothing bad, or—or even that big of a deal, really. At least, it shouldn’t be.”

You push yourself up into a sitting position next to him. “Well, why don’t you tell me so I can help?” you ask. “I can tell that it’s bothering you.”

“That’s exactly the point. It shouldn’t be bothering me,” Spencer complains. “Because I really want to do it. It’s just...”

You put your hand on his back and run it up and down to try and comfort him. You don’t say anything; you just give him time to get the words out.

He takes a deep breath. “I want to have sex,” he says. “I really do, I’m just... not entirely sure I’m... ready yet.”  

“Oh.”

It’s not where you expected the conversation to go, because it’s something that hasn’t really been in your life at all since Mexico. He’d... taken care of you a few times during those first six weeks, but hadn’t let you return the favor. Each time he had scurried off to the bathroom and run a cold shower before you could even touch the waistband of his pants. Then on the night he came back to you, you had been helping him undress since his hands were trembling so much. When you unbuttoned his pants, he had breathed in sharply and frantically pushed your hands away.

Clearly something had happened to him, but he’d never even alluded to anything of the sort. And that was okay—you didn’t need to know. You just wished you knew how to help.

“I’m sorry, I know it’s stupid,” he says, running his hands down his face.

“Oh, baby, no,” you soothe. “It’s not stupid at all.”

He just shakes his head. “You deserve more than this.”

“I don’t know about that. But,” you continue, pushing his hair back so you can see his face better, “I do know what I want, and what I want is you.”

Spencer chews on his bottom lip, doubt clouding his eyes. “Look at me,” you implore. He meets your gaze hesitantly and you take his face in your hands.

“I love you, Spencer Reid. And nothing is going to change that.”

His eyes grow wet. He sniffles once, then lunges forward, capturing your lips with his own. You kiss him back just as passionately, holding onto him as tight as he is to you. It may have been a long time since you kissed at all until this morning, but it’s been even longer since he’s kissed you like this.

“Love you, too, (Y/N),” he mumbles against your lips when he pulls back to take a breath.

You press your forehead to his with a happy sigh. But he’s only content to stay like that for a few moments. He bumps your nose with his and tugs slightly on your shirt, requesting permission to kiss you again. You’d love to do that, and you’d love to do more than that, too, but you don’t want him to rush into something he’s not truly ready for.

“You know what we could do?” you ask, running your hand through the curls on the back of his neck.

Spencer’s eyes keep flicking between yours and your lips. “What?”

“A good old-fashioned high school make out,” you say, smiling at him softly. “And I’ll keep my hands above your waist.”

When he visibly relaxes, you know it’s the right decision. “I’d like that,” he says quietly. “I mean, I never kissed anyone when I was in high school, but I get the idea.”

The shy look he gives you before climbing onto your lap reminds you so much of how he was when you first started dating. He’s still there, your Spencer, the Spencer you fell in love with. You never truly thought he was gone, but there were plenty of moments of doubt, moments when you wondered if he’d ever be able to pull himself out of the wreckage, out of the grip of trauma. As much as you wanted to, you couldn’t do it for him.

As it turns out, he could. He can.

It’s far from over. He still has a long way to go. You both do. But for the first time since the day he came home from prison, a return to normal seems possible.

It won’t be the same as it was before. He’s always going to be a little different. But... that doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing.

He kisses you, and it feels like it used to, full of respect, adoration, trust, and love. It feels like Spencer.

Despite everything, it’s still him.

---------------

tell me what you thought here!

if you made it this far, thank you so much for reading. this was very much a personal work but i decided to share it anyways because why the hell not, i'm proud of it. the next chapter will explore horse therapy, a treatment i did and loved, among other things.

i'd like to encourage you please seek this kind of help if you think need it. i see how it changes lives every day at work and it changed my own as well. there's no shame in getting the treatment you need, whatever that may be. recovery is worth it.

if you’re interested in learning more about trauma and the treatment of it, i cannot recommend the book The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D., enough. it was my favorite book i read last year and i referred back to it several times while writing this.

[hazshit-hotel-hater]

Ok a rant about Cerri bomb and how much I HATE her

In the addict music video she was a very supportive friend of Angel and I loved her in the pilot! I wish we got that supportive best friend to Angel in the final product, but unfortunately she is a woman in a vivziepop show.

She’s AWFUL now I can’t stand her, the way she tried to make Angel relapse was so weird like pilot cherri wouldn’t do that! I also really dislike her design it has to be one of my personal least favourites (not the bottom though nothing is worse than alastors design to me) she isn’t enjoyable to watch anymore she had potential if she’d only been introduced earlier! Imagine if she was introduced in episode 4 and played the supportive friend she was originally supposed to be!

And GOD I hate her ship with pentious, it was SO RUSHED, so poorly done and the ship isn’t very “so cute and in love!!” When you remember she showed literally NO interest in him until Angel brought up that he has 2 dicks, and this is supposed to be a romantic relationship we CARE about.

Cherri didn’t need a romantic relationship she needed CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT we needed to get to know her! If you’ve only seen the show and no other Hazbin media at all (which shouldn’t be required you should be able to get all your info FROM THE SHOW) you’d barely know anything about her character or who she is. I wish we got pilot cherri bomb, and that she got a design update, and that her and pent’s relationship was either taken slower or didn’t happen at all

You silly little creature you, you have me writing in my notes app instead of Tumblr because I’m about to go crazy!

Cherri Bomb. More like Cherri what the hell happened

Anyway I’m gonna tackle this one thing at a time, and also forgive me if I word something weird I just woke up an hour ago at the time of writing this.

First thing, design: I personally quite like her design since it very loosely reminds me of Iris from Ruby Gloom with ofc the one eye, the very rowdy personality and kind of the hair, but those are very broad design choices and its just me remembering some random girl I thought was silly but like Iris did it better.

Okay now second thing and then we go into literally everything else: My blog has been an angry pit of despair for everything in Episode 6 as of recent so let’s tap into that again 🤏 just a little. I am going to give my classic centrist opinion and say I don’t mind Cherri Bomb all that much but I absolutely get why people dislike her, and I mean this in the kinda way as people who dislike… Idk Fukuchi from BSD. WILD jump in fandoms but gimme a second. I can’t 100% say that Cherri Bomb in the pilot was better than the series since we have no idea if maybe for some reason she was intended to be like that offscreen, but judging by the pilot and “Addict” alone, it’s very unlikely. I could see her maybe being a bad influence at times and being like “Loosen up dude we’re in hell and its Friday” or something (idk if they have Friday in hell but everyday is probably Monday 🥁) but overall I feel like she’d end up apologising for it. However on the other side of things, I can understand why Cherri did that in Episode 6. Of course not to say this is okay, but Cherri is still very clearly not in the “redemption” mindset. She’s happy the way she is and is really only focused on certain aspects of issues. We see her comfort Angel in “Addict” but thats basically the extent of it. Cherri’s definition of “self-care” seems to be less of actually taking care of yourself and more like just letting go and having fun instead which really only gives a momentary fix to the issue, much like how substances can be abused. Do you kinda see what im getting at? Cherri offering Angel drugs while he’s trying not to relapse is not okay, full stop. But her reasoning as to why makes a bit of sense for her purpose in the show which is honestly not much, since, as you said, she is a woman in a Vivziepop show.

To my knowledge Cherri is like 30-ish years younger than Angel Dust in Hell experience so she’s likely not reached a point where she’s gotten tired of how things work, as well as the fact we don’t really have much of an idea on her backstory aside from that random shot in “Addict” of that guy in a puddle??? But generally she seems to be in a better position than Angel is, so there isn’t really any reason for her to want to change, yknow? I will say I do like exploring characters that are good friends while still being bad influences at times, but I’m going to be honest I feel like thats really not what Angel needs right now. I wouldn’t be as pissy about it if she did end up apologising afterwards (I’m just gonna headcanon she did for my sanity) but even then as Angel’s friend we don’t know like… anything about her. I would’ve really liked to get some kind of callback to the pilot where Cherri mentions she thought Angel was dead until the random Sir Pentious turf war, and maybe we could see her actually being worried about Angel again instead of those 3 frames in “Addict”, but Hazbin is rushed and I guess we don’t have time for that. And also YES it would’ve been great to see her in Episode 4 and actually doing something but again, Vivziepop is boring.

Going forward I would really like to see Cherri, if not become a patron, at least try to be a better friend and sure if she wants to keep doing stuff she can keep doing it, but just don’t encourage other people to relapse. It is very simple.

SIR PENTIOUS! About Sir Pentious, this is going to be incredibly short. I don’t hate the ship but also I’m not really crazy about any of the Hazbin Hotel ships? I also don’t really hate any except for the genuinely horrid ones but thats basic sense. I absolutely agree with you, Cherri does not need a romantic interest. Romance doesn’t always = growth and growth should not always = romance. She needs some genuine character TLC and I hope to god she gets some in season 2. We’ve only seen a few minutes of her so I have yet to give a firm opinion, but as of now I’m just hoping they do something actually interesting with her instead of just alluding to Sir Pentious ship. Also the penis thing. 1. What was that, and 2. It made me and my friends briefly pause to sex Sir Pentious and come to the conclusion he is likely transgender/hj

TLDR; Please give us a fun Cherri Bomb again. ☹️

[fictionalreads]

Euphoria S2E3 thoughts

Cal Jacobs 🤮

If I didn’t give a damn about Nate’s inner thoughts WHAT THE FUCK MAKES THEM THINK J CARE ABOUT THIS PEDOPHILE AND SEXUAL ABUSER (yes he is an abuser because even though they consented to the sex, he filmed people without their knowledge)

I saw the little feature type thing they do at the end and Sam Levinson actually said (not really I’m paraphrasing but essentially he said it)we should understand this fucker. His backstory does not make me excuse him.

Cal, Ashtray killed a man with a hammer. I would not mouth off to him.

Rue

Get off the drugs.

But also why is she me? I be dancing and singing through my house like that when I’m alone and if I’m ever caught, I kind of freeze.

The way Gia instantly froze when Rue said she was gonna start smoking weed.

Damn they fighting fighting. Like they’re the sibling that for real throw hands not just play like they do.

I think the above gif speaks for itself.

I’m not a fan of her and Jules being together. At least right now. Cause Rue ain’t good for nobody at this point.

The way they all stopped and asked her if she relapsed in the bathroom. They do care in their own way and she just fucking them around.

While plan is genius, you can’t be trusted with drugs Rue and I know that’s not what you’re gonna do with it.

I’m over you Rue. Ali didn’t deserve that shit. I mean I know you a drug addict but still.

Elliot

I love his character. But as I say this I know he will eventually disappoint me and break my heart because they all do on this show.

This interrogation is lowkey cute. I hate that I think it’s cute.

Lexi

An awkward queen.

I wanna see this play.

I also wanna see her and fez together again.

Cassie

Gross. Cassie is still on her Nate Jacobs bullshit. Bitch you really went psycho over that?

Oh shit she cracked. EVEN THE BACKGROUND BITCHES WALKED OUT AFTER

Of course it was fake.

Seeing her with Nate is just 🤢🤮

Does nobody on this show know what the fuck secret means?

Kat (why the fuck did that auto correct to Jay?)

What do they mean tell them about herself? She’s a teenager. She goes to school with their son and is dating him. She ain’t about to tell y’all about the cash piggies.

Miscellaneous

WHERE THE FUCK IS MY FULL LEXI EPISODE?!

Fez shut Rue down so fast “I didn’t like the way the plan started”

Ashtray is amazing. He STAY READY to catch a body.

FEZ OUT HERE TELLING NO LIES ABOUT THE JACOBS FAMILY He really said it with conviction too and then turned around and passively told Ashtray to calm down.

Fez was fucking hilarious this episode. I want more sassy Fez

Serious question: where are the parents in this show and why do they not know shit about what’s happening in their kids lives?

All these characters need to have a sit down and talk. Get everybody on the same page cause keeping up with who knows what is exhausting.

[gentrychild]

Suspected Traitor Izuku Ideas

Note: Sorry this ended up being super long! I just really love the idea and wanted to put in some ideas of what I think could happen. It was all too long to fit into a couple asks, and I figured you would prefer a submission than 7+ asks in a row. These are also just some fun ideas I was thinking of for the au I thought you might enjoy lol

- - - -

Izuku gets interrogated and at first goes along with the questions. He doesn’t realize why he is there at first, until they ask more and more questions showing they suspect him for something. After the second or third question about his relation to the LOV he pieces it together. They think he’s a villain.

And instead of having a confused smile or nervous laugh, his eyes widen and he whispers “you think I’m the traitor.” It wasn’t hard for him to figure it out, after all he spent so much time analyzing and trying to deduct things quickly from situations where he barely was given any information, and they practically threw the answer in his face. He was probably one of the few students who was fully aware that there was a traitor from looking at the previous attacks.

He starts to shut down after realizing this, and when people start yelling or slamming things out of anger (because no one was actually going to get physical, but that doesn’t mean the rest of the room was off limits) he unconsciously reverts back to his old habits from when he was quirkless.

This can include, but is not limited to:

- A smaller frame to protect vitals and give less room to be hit

- A quite and passive voice to try appeasing their anger

- Distracting himself from the emotional pain by focusing on the physical stuff. Mentally keeping track over where everyone is, what they are doing, and how much of a threat they are to him

- Looking for any and all possible exits, even the ones that would result in him being hurt on his way out, just in case things get worse (and he fears that they may hurt him worse than before. In a world full of quirks, it’s easy for someone worked up to forget how easily they can kill someone, and Izuku probably has experienced more than once a situation that became life or death because a middle schooler was too worked up to process how much damage they were about to do)

- Eyes downcast due to fearing that eye contact would seem like he’s defying them or trying to irritate them in purpose (thanks Bakugou for that one)

- Holding back sudden movements or flinching, when going to the point of possibly hurting himself on purpose to prevent him from acting out.

- Holding his breath every time someone moves, but forcing his body to relax/tense up in case they attack him. When your body tenses up, it can absorb him impact, but can also cause other things like knives or needles to hurt more when they cut/go through the skin. So when there is someone who has a weapon visible (probably a means of intimidation) he quickly figures out which way will hurt less and forces himself to go through with that because of the constant thought of ‘just in case’

- Forcing himself not to cry or break down. That’s what some bullies want, but sometimes it also makes them even more upset. It gives them fuel, and always ends bad for the victim.

The teachers and others accusing him of being the traitor takes these signs as him lying or trying to hide the truth, those who don’t think it’s because he’s lying see the 'experience with interrogations’ aka trauma reactions and think he was trained by the villains to act this way. No one thinks about the fact that some of the reactions are clearly not helpful with interrogations and that the villains would train him to do the opposite (ex: stay calm and keep eye contact. You don’t have anything to hide and looking away makes it seem like you do).

The only two people who know his past refuse to acknowledge or bring it up.

All might doesn’t because he can’t risk the consequences of OFA getting out, but also because he only has a vague idea because of when he was shoeless himself.

Bakugou refuses to acknowledge the signs and the relapsing to his habits from middle school.

No one else realizes the cause, and as a result they accidentally reopen the trauma that Izuku hadn’t healed from. No, he had taken it and stuffed it into a box to avoid acknowledging that he was hurt. So he never talked to anyone about it, and as a result it just festered in his mind. His intrusive thoughts from all the victim-blaming he went through never went away (because let’s be honest, gaslighting and victim-blaming are things he probably went through as a result of the bullying. He couldn’t help being quirkless, but the bullies will latch onto anything and everything they can. And because they wanted to prevent themselves from having anything marked, if they made him think it was his fault then they felt it lowered the chances of them being reported)

During the pause of interrogation when they are having Tsukachi enter and he’s about to come in, he almost send himself into a dissociative/depressive episode because of his thoughts. He forces it back when the doors click open, thinking 'no, it’s just like before. No matter how much it hurts, wait until you’re safe. You’re not safe here, they will use it against you, so you have to wait until you’re alone and safe to finally break down.’

As a result, none of the adults fully realize how broken he is after the trap/interrogation is over. But its only a glimpse that they see, and nothing more. Because Izuku’s learned that weakness = vulnerable = targeted and hurt.

And now that he knows almost all his friends- no, his classmates were involved he knows he can’t break down anywhere near them. He can’t go over and let them know how broken he is or he thinks they’ll turn against him even more.

Someone brings up the 'logical’ aespect of the interrogation and their suspicions before he leaves and Izuku’s thoughts use that and forces it against him. 'It was only logical. Everyone was convinced you were going to hurt them, that you were evil. Of course they had to do it.’ He repeats it like a mantra in his head. 'It’s only logical, they did what they had to, and it’s almost over. You’re almost done, it was just the logical thing to do.’

And why is it this that he repeats this, instead of being angry or upset?

The victim-blaming.

His own intrusive thoughts were fuelled by the victim-blaming, and because it was what hurt the most, it was also what he was most accustomed to.

But when he finally gets back to the dorms, to the 'safety’ of his room, he knows he can’t break down. Not yet. After all, if they went through all that trouble because they thought he was the traitor, who’s to say they didn’t do more? His resurfaced paranoia/anxiety from the trauma makes him search his room for hidden cameras and microphones, desperate for at least one safe-space.

He finds nothing, thank god, but then he keeps pushing back his breakdown in search of exits, ways to avoid the most dangerous people or most likely to turn on him, ways to get by unseen and to avoid any situations that would be like Middle school. He stays up making notes and maps of the school and how to best protect himself because 'You’re already used to this. Shouldn’t have expected anything different. Stupid, idiotic, Deku. You put off finding the saferoutes because you thought it would be better to try playing nice. Look where that got you, now you have to stay up and make up the months of ignoring the inevitable.’

He doesn’t sleep that night, and when it becomes time for class he still hadn’t given himself time to break down. So he returns, but doesn’t pretend to be friends with any of his classmates anymore. He uses the ways he maps, brings out old tactics, just with the hope of making it through the day without being hurt or breaking down.

Lunch comes, but he doesn’t eat. He goes to the roof, finds an elevated area with no cameras and where people are unlikely to see him and sits down. It takes a moment, just a mere second of sitting there alone before he breaks.

He cries and let’s his regret and anger wash over him. All the feelings he had been pushing back finally breaking free and coming loose. He doesn’t eat, he never got the time, and right as he is starting to realize how badly hurt he really is, the bell rings signalling he needed to get to class. So he forces himself up, pushed all his emotions away, and tries to clean himself up in the bathroom.

He ends up in a dissociative state the rest of the way back to class, and when the others ask why he’s acting different or 'weird’, he doesn’t respond. He barely registers anything the rest of the day and when teachers try calling on him, hoping for some kind of reaction, they get nothing. He doesn’t process that he’s being talked to and just sits there dissociating in a desperate attempt of forcing himself not to break down again.

When classes end, the others try talking to him but eventually give up. He slowly realizes after everyone left that he was alone and he picks up his stuff and walks to the dorms on autopilot. He gets to his room and shut the door, and finally let’s himself finish the breakdown from on the roof. This time, though, he finally lets himself cry over everything. The entire past of abuse and neglect from his peers and adult figures in his life (minus his mom), the suicide-baiting, the victim-blaming, the bullying, accusations and mistrust, all of it. And he finally fully, truly breaks.

- - - -

[multismileee]

911 4X13 COMMENTARY (LITERALLY WHILE IM WATCHING IT) - this is going to be pretty long

The first call about the Bridezilla was so funny, the way that Buck just give out random information about makeup while everyone else is just staring at him like of course he knew that, the way Chim was ready to walk forward when they were doing the SPARTCUS moment, Hen holding him back, and Eddie’s “Good luck with the wedding” with a small thumbs up LMAOO 

Omg no, I hope that Hen’s mom is okay.

I’m glad they brought back Vanessa Marano, I love her.

David, Michael, May, and Harry playing charades... don’t touch me, they are so cute.

Uh oh, Bobby acting weird. I think he relapsed and started drinking again which would explain the need for the shower. 

Hahaha Hen’s mom not being a fan of any of the exotic food is so funny

OH NO, SHE COLLAPSED!!! Please, she better be okay.

I know this is not important but the way Hen matched her mask to her outfit... Icon 😍

SOMEONE HOLD ME BACK, THIS DOCTOR ABOUT TO GET THIS HANDS RATED E FOR EVERYONE.

The blatant racism is disgusting, I’m so glad that 911 is talking about this and how the doctor is clearly dismissive because she is a black woman and omg the comment on her weight ugh disgusting.

Eddieana gross, sorry I will never like them together.

Christopher is so adorable (also he looks so much older omg) and Eddie wanting the sofa to be perfect for the mystery guest, awww.

CARLAAAAAA YES I MISSED HER!!

Aww no Carla’s dad :(

“it’s easy being with her” yes because that’s what it should be like when you’re dating someone (I am totally being sarcastic if you cannot tell)

Carla is such a queen, “Make sure you’re following your heart, and not Christopher” AHHHHH, please manifesting an Eddieana breakup scene.

Aww the two cakes for the two birthdays they missed with Carla, I’m so soft!!

Omg the way he glances at Ana and Christopher like he’s thinking about Carla’s words :0

Oh no, Maddie is definitely not okay. She seems tired and just very withdrawn :(

That call was intense, I feel like there’s more to Charlie and the women that meets the eye.

I knew it, his shirt smelled like bourbon. Unless this is a whole misunderstanding, but it seems unlikely.

I knew something was off with Bobby during the pileup in episode 11 and that it was going to come up again.

Charlie and Christopher talking is so cute aw.

Suspicious, I have a bad feeling about his “mom”.

YES I LOVE HEN AND CHIM MOMENTS, their friendship is so cute.

Omg small backstory moment about Chim and his mom?? we love to see it.

Hen and her med school buddies trying to figure out what’s wrong with Hen’s mom is a scene I didn’t know I needed but I’m so glad we got it.

Omg not her collapsing again, and it being really bad. Let’s hope she didn’t rupture it because I cannot deal with Hen’s mom dying.

Jee-Yun is adorable, but I hate hearing her cry

Omg nooo Maddie probably thinks she’s a bad mom because she feels like she can’t help Jee-Yun stop crying and she already had doubts that she was going to be a bad mom because of her parents :( Buckley parents, if you see this, I despise you,

Hen going off on the doctor, period as she should.

“we” THE AUDACITY. How dare he try to take any credit for something he missed because he didn’t want to listen to the patient and that a group of med students caught in 5 minutes.

Chris wanting to give things away to help Charlie aww stop they are so cute.

Look I was never the biggest fan of Ana, she’s nice but seemed kind of bland as a character but she’s really pulling through this episode.

Yesss Ana, thank you for realizing something is up with this woman.

Poor Athena, she’s trying to be supportive but Bobby is being distant anyways :(

YAY HER MOM IS OKAY, LET’S GOOOO!

“I won’t be here forever” If this is foreshadowing Hen’s mom’s death, I am going to cry.

Omg no, She’s poisoning him with EYE DROPS!!! What in the world is wrong with her. I knew there was a reason they focused on the cabinet but I couldn’t figure it out.

I’m sorry but Charlie calling because his “mom” is choking due to the eyedrops is instant karma.

Uh oh, Athena following Bobby.. this never ends well. Um who is she????

Thank goodness they found out that Charlie was being poisoned.

Omg nooo Maddie, you’re an amazing mom. She needs to go to therapy :(((

THE DRUNK DRIVER?? Oh that makes so much sense, Bobby can feel for her.

Communication problems between Athena and Bobby, omg I hate it.

“Who said this marriage is working” I knew it was coming and it still hurt.

MY HEART DROPPED WHEN EDDIE GOT SHOT. I KNEW IT WAS COMING BUT OH MY GOD.

Ngl I kinda thought that the “mom” was the shooter but I was wrong.

Can I just say that the way Buck froze is such a clear contrast to the last time (in Eddie Begins) when Eddie was buried, that time he was screaming and clawing the ground hoping to do something. In this episode, he froze and it was like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

If Buddie not canon then why have the 45 second shot of Buck and Eddie staring at each other, why have the camera focus on Buck’s reaction, why have Eddie reach out to Buck before he passes out?? Maybe i’m just a clown but it’s all adding up for Buddie canon.

Overall, I am an entire mess after this episode. I haven’t even watched the promo yet but I am terrified for the finale. Everyone is such a mess omg.  Also, I am currently in English class, watching and commenting on the episode instead of paying attention lmao.