#also would be really cool if anyone who has experiences moderating would join and help me out with this

[a-god-in-ruins-rises]

is anyone else interested in joining my server? not quite ready to invite people yet but should be soon. just gauging interest right now. “like” or reply to this post and when i’m ready i’ll send you an invite.

server will probably be dual purpose. 

there will be (1) a semi-public side oriented toward general discussion (topics like politics, books, history, philosophy, religion, media, science, tech, etc) and community building (nothing is set in stone yet but i am imagining activities like book club, movie watching, playing games, contests and giveaways, etc). and there will be (2) a private side dedicated to more focused discussions and internal cult matters.

the server won’t be a “safe space” -- i’m fine with a bit of edge (within ToS. not trying to get terminated.) -- but i do want this server (at least the semi-public side) to be /relatively/ welcoming and civil. so if you’re egregiously toxic or vulgar or prone to shitflinging or sperging out you won’t be welcome here. neither will you be welcome if you’re overly sensitive.

otherwise, as long as you follow the rules, you will be fine. though i always reserve the right to executively veto your presence for any reason.

[a-998h]

Hi! can I please request the Stardust Crusaders with a male! heavy metal musician! reader?

He's a travelling musician that's currently on tour in Egypt and he knows how to put on a good show if needed! He writes songs based on the things he's encountered along the way, including enemies. He would eventually write songs about the Crusaders themselves out of respect lol

Reader's Stand looks like this: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/b9/130616--papa_emeritus.jpg?20160307170637

Stand Name: 「YEAR ZERO」

(idk what its ability would be, but one thing I know for sure, it's terrifying as much as very exciting to see)

Stand Name: 「YEAR ZERO」

Stand User: Reader

Stand Ability: Using a the beat user's heart beat, the user put the target in psychedelic hypnotic state. This state is maintained until the target is out of range or the user can't keep a high heart rate.

Activation Condition: User increasing their heart rate

Limit: The user is able to be effected by the stand ability.

Range: 37m

Power: A

Speed: E

Range: C

Durability: B

Precision: E

Potential: C

____________________________________________________

How did you join the Crusaders? You were an moderately famous heavy metal musician. The type that people try to gatekeep and that would be picked up by the 2000s goth crowd. You were used to a few fan mail packages, but one from a fan in Egypt was a shock. It was a pendant with a cool golden arrow design, and I'm sure you can see where this is going.

yeah, you get Year Zero. At first you just have fun messing around with it and giving you and your audience and extra fun concert experience. This leads you to touring in Egypt, and having a passionate night with a tall, muscular blonde man, Dio, and never seeing him again.

The Crusaders meet you due to Steely Dan name dropping you after getting beaten to a pulp. Your appearance makes them a tad weary, not really knowing if you were on Dio's side or not.

"Hello, are you mr.Reader?" Avdol asks.

"Yeah, I'm the man you're looking for," you greet with a warm smile.

Yeah, they learn pretty quickly the most interaction you've had with Dio is a bit of stand arrow in a necklace and having a one night stand with him. They ignore that last part for their own sakes, especially Jotaro and Joseph as technically the body is Johnathan's.

Now, they have a new crew member that has had sex with the raging bisexual vampire in Johnathan's body, and who also writes songs.

📷Joseph📷

📷 Your appearance makes him think you'll be like Jotaro, so your friendliness shocks him

📷 As an old man and he's vaugly aware of heavy metal, so he'll try and share his own favorite music with you

📷 Knowing the thing about rockstars and drugs, he's always worried about your habits

📷 Finds your music a way to lighten up this horribly depressing journey

📷 The first time he sees your Stand in action, oh wow

📷 One, he thinks your Stand looks and has badass powers

📷 Two, he has to make sure you're not gonna give yourself a heart attack

📷 After beating an enemy, he sees you writing in a notebook

Joseph "Whatcha ya doing, kid?" Reader "Writing a song about the werido we just beat,"

📷 Just gives you and "ok, have fun" and a thumbs up

📷 Would beg to hear you sing all the time

📷 Asks you about what it's like being a rockstar

📷 He makes sure you don't get anywhere near alcohol

📷 Gets ready worried when he sees you under the effect if your own stand

📷 Thinks you're drunk or high and is freaking out

📷 When you explain it to him, he scolds you like he's your grandpa

📷 While your style of music might not be his thing, he'll still support you

📷 Makes sure you're drinking enough water

📷 Really likes it when you share the songs you've written during the journey

📷 He tries his best to at least try your music

📷 Will scare off anyone who talks smack about your or your music

📷 Helps you keep the crazy fans away, he also worries about you when he meets any of these crazy fans

📷 Avoids the topic of you and Dio having a one night stand, it's never brought up

📷 He is super uncomfortable with the thought, and I mean, who could blame him

📷 At most will buy a piece of your merch in support

📷 Makes sure you don't drink too much caffeine in a vain to try and use your stand effectively

📷 As he sees you writing songs, he makes sure you're getting real sleep

📷 When you tell him about all your crazy tour stories, he gets worried for you

📷 Learning how you got your Stand makes him wonder, did Dio want you on his side?

📷 He's surprised that you never got a fleshbub

📷 When you tell him Dio tried, but your Stand kicked in accidentally so that you got away, he's impressed and confused

📷 Yeah, he gets a bit more paranoid about what happens to you

📷 Back in America, he looks for any piece of your merchandise or album

⭐️Jotaro⭐️

⭐️ Ignores you, especially because... ew, this is the guy who slept with the enemy who is using he's great grandpa's body

⭐️ Your goth like appearance doesn't phase him

⭐️ He is kind of annoyed by your somewhat overly chipper attitude

⭐️ Due to his intimidating presence, he thought you'd be scared

⭐️ When you tell him about the other metal artists you've met, he realizes you'll never be that scared of him

⭐️ Everytime you write a new song, he just let's you be

⭐️ If anyone ever brings up you having a one night stand, he gives them a look of death

⭐️When you tell him Dio tried, but your Stand kicked in accidentally so that you got away, he just stares at you

⭐️ Grabs you by the back of your shirt if you even look at any form of alcohol

⭐️ Calls you a dumbass and does his best to keep you from doing stupid things to raise your heart rate

⭐️ Will act like he'll never try your music, but he will try your music

⭐️ If it is his type of music, he might plan to buy CD back in Japan

⭐️ His serious demeanor makes it a little hard for you two to get along

⭐️ When he sees what you have to do for your Stand power to work, he thinks you're crazy

⭐️ His worry comes more from actions than words

⭐️ Watching you be under the effects of your own stand is an... experience

⭐️ He doesn't really question it when your writing in your notebook

Jotaro "Oi, what are you doing?" Reader "I'm writing a song about our experience with the werid gambler dude."

⭐️ Kind of peaks over at your notebook, to see what songs you're writing

⭐️ Is annoyed by your crazy fans, because some of them start trying to flirt with him

⭐️ You two kind of bond with music, even if it's not yours

⭐️ You might be the gateway for him to listen to bands he'll really like

⭐️ Might by a CD or some piece of merchandise

⭐️ After SDC, he'll keep something relating to you

⭐️ If he does like your music after SDC, he'll listen to the songs on repeat

⭐️ post SDC, he might share some of your music with the Duwang gang and teenage Jolyne

🍒Kakyoin🍒

🍒 Gives you a werid look

🍒 When he sees you in the stage makeup when he first meets you, he thinks you're a bit crazy

🍒 Once you're apart of the group, he sees you're just a dude

🍒 Is probably not a heavy metal fan, but he won't judge you

🍒 Asks you about your crazy tour stories

🍒 When the group learns how you got your Stand and how you met Dio, just stares

🍒 Tries his hardest to ignore the werid information he just learned

🍒 When he learns you only got away because your Stand kicked in accidentally so that you got away

🍒 He's just so confused

🍒 Even if you can legally buy alcohol, he uses Hierophant Green to keep you away from the stuff

🍒 Is fine with you using caffeine to raise your heart rate to make your Stand effective, but he'll keep you from causing caffeine to make your heart explore

🍒 He will at least try your music, even if it isn't his usual type of music

🍒 Will look for any piece of your merchandise or a CD

🍒 Finds your presence welcoming for the group

🍒 Might encourage you to sing as a way to lighten the groups mood

🍒 When you're writing songs about the group's experiences, he just smiles

🍒 Might ask you to sing one of these songs

🍒 While he's in the hospital, he might listen to any of your music to feel better

🍒 You two share music with each

🍒 While in the hospital, your crazy stories make him feel better

🍒 Your crazy fans make him really worry for your safety

🍒 He gets worried you will give yourself an accidental heart attack

🍒 Thinsk your Stand looks a bit creepy, but it fits your vibe well

🍒 Gets a little unnerved watching your Stand in action on another person or yourself

🍒 Might ask you for style advice, only when hell freezes over

🍒 Likes learning about the crazy stuff you've done on tour

🍒 Might teach you some Japanese kanji

🍒 Will share some Japanese bands with you

🇫🇷Polnareff🇫🇷

🇫🇷 Finds your appearance very strange

🇫🇷 Once he sees you're a normal guy, he'll chil out a bit

🇫🇷 The moment he learns about your one night stand with Dio, he's laughing his ass off

🇫🇷 Wants to ask you what Dio was like in bed, but the death glares of everyone else stop him

🇫🇷 When he learns that your Stand kicked in accidentally, which stopped you from getting a fleshbud... he has so many questions

🇫🇷 He'll mostly ask about your crazy stories from being on tour

🇫🇷 Share some French bands with you

🇫🇷 Heavy metal isn't exactly his type of must, he seems like a classic rock kind of man

🇫🇷 Might give you hair styling tips

🇫🇷 When he learns how your Stand works, he keeps an eye on you

🇫🇷 He won't be as overbearing about limiting your alcohol and caffeine, but he's still cautious

🇫🇷 Begs you to write a song about him

🇫🇷 Tries to sing along with you during resting points

🇫🇷 Might write a song with you to cope about the memories of Sherry

🇫🇷 Teaches you a bit of French

🇫🇷 Might try to share some flirting skills and pickup lines

🇫🇷 Gets a little concerned when you tell him about your crazy fans

🇫🇷 The first time he sees Uear Zero in action, he's in shock

🇫🇷 Thinks Year Zero looks cool and has an awesome power

🇫🇷 Worried for your health due to using Year Zero

🇫🇷 Once he reaches France, he definitely buys a piece of your merchandise and a CD

🇫🇷 While in Italy, he looks for anything relating to you and your music

🇫🇷 Will try and go to a concert if you're nearby to his location

🇫🇷 As a turtle, he'll demand Giorno play your music

🇫🇷 Your music brings him good and hunting memories

🔥Avdol🔥

🔥 Knows you're normal under the stage stuff

🔥 He is in shock over learning your night with Dio

🔥 Will never bring it up, as it's very uncomfortable for him to think about

🔥 When you say your Stand helped you get away, he know wonders what it does

🔥 The most strict about not doing anything that could give yourself a heart attack

🔥 Willing to listen to your music, even if it's not his favorite

🔥 Asks about your time in Egypt, and what you've seen on tour

🔥 Your stories of crazy fans makes him worried for your safety

🔥 When he sees you under the effects of Year Zero, he really thinks you're high

🔥 The more he learns about your life on tour, the more respect and fear he has for you

🔥 Teaches you about the tarot and such

🔥 Watching Year Zero in action is an interesting experience for Avdol

🔥 Teaches you ways to better control your stand

🔥 Is happy whenever you sing a song you've written

🔥 Finds it nice that you write songs about the experiences you've lived through with the Crusaders

🔥 Keeps you from having to much caffeine so you heart doesn't give out

🔥 Also shares his favorite music with you

🔥 Would definitely look for a small piece of your merchandise to remind himself of you

____________________________________________________

The journey has ended, only Polnareff, you, Joseph, and Jotaro are going home. Reflecting on everything that just happened, the victories, the loses, and the in betweens you've experienced, causes you to take pause.

You pull out your notebook, writing lyrics without thinking. This is a song that it'll either be heard by many, or the only four in this train car. But, you've made three promises tonight, reach America, France, and Japan.

As you write, your gaze is sometimes pulled away from the pages and towards the setting sun, it's a bittersweet moment. The sunset was something of great beauty, the kind you share with loved ones, but you know there are three loved ones of yours, who'll never see the sun rise agian. You keep writing, desperate to never let the memories of those who gave up their lives to fight Dio and the experiences you all shared. You don't stop when your hand hurts, or when your stomach growls. Desperation is the driving force behind this song, desperate to honor those you called your friends.

Weeks go by, you keep your promises. You go to France, America, and Japan. You perform the song you wrote that evening while in the train car. It's how you cope, your music becomes a way to move on from what happened, and how knows, maybe you'll be in Japan and American agian, and maybe head somewhere new, like Italy, someday. You want to see old friends, and make new ones in other places.

An ankh necklace charm, cherry earrings, and a paw print bracelet charm with an I in the center, a reminder of those 50 days and the friends you lost. Your songs let the world know Iggy, Noriaki Kakyoin, and Muhammad Avdol are not forgotten.

[bri-does-art]

i know this probably won’t do much, let alone anything at all, but i’m sorry for the stress this site has caused you and so many other creators here. i’m not asking for you to stick around on here, but i hope you know just how meaningful you and your art have been on here. you’re amazing. /pos

Hey, this ask has done a lot more than you would think. Thank you, you are very sweet. <3

I've kind of made up my mind about what I'm gonna do for a while now, but I've simply been... too busy and overwhelmed to take the time to let you guys know. I'm not going to delete my tumblr, there's just. Too much here that I don't want to lose.

So far the game plan is: keep my tumblr. But do not upload anymore art or writing on it - not because it's gonna get scraped, because it was already getting scraped anyway, AI company deal or not. It's pretty much unavoidable at this point, unfortunately. I simply do not trust Tumblr with my data, if they're going to sell EVERYTHING, including private messages and such, so I'm not going to give it anything worthwhile to profit off of. Instead, I'm going to start uploading my art exclusively on Ao3, for now. I'll answer any asks I receive here on there too, as well. I'll figure some kind of system out. 🤔

The cool thing about uploading to Ao3 is that anyone subscribed to my profile or to the containment series I will make will get a notification anytime I upload something new. Having my art and writing in one place is likely going to be more convenient for you guys too, since you won't have to move across platforms to get the full experience. 😄It'll be different... but a platform getting too greedy for its own good won't stop me from finding ways to share my stories with y'all. I'll just find another solution.

(I've also been entertaining the idea of joining or making my own Discord server but. That one is a little more delicate. The idea of joining a server that has hundreds of members like a lot of this fandom's servers have, just. Makes me break into hives, lmao. (I am in the Ghost in the Machine fic server. I muted it an hour into joining, it was way too intense for me. |'D) That is way too many people, I simply cannot handle it. I'd be way more comfortable in a smaller group with a less rapid-fire rate of posting and conversation. I am also. Very picky about which servers I join, which makes asking for recommendations doubly awkward when I shoot them all down, haha... And making my own... Err, I can hardly keep up with a server I helped create for another fandom and mod for, I don't think I could handle two of them - I would need other people to handle the moderation for me, and I wouldn't trust just anyone to be a mod. I'd need to know them well enough to know I could trust them, and I... do not really know anyone in this fandom well enough to do that, sadly. I take server moderation very seriously, as someone who has had experience modding for forums back before social media was a thing. I do not know if that would make for a fun experience for everyone, and anyone who hasn't known that kind of supervised experience. It is comforting to me. It may be intimidating for others. So that's still a very hand-wavy, 'eehhhh' kind of thing still.)

All of this to say, that this isn't the last you'll see from me, far from it. I'll restrict my creative output to Ao3 for the foreseeable future, and I'll let you guys on here know when I make a new upload, so those of you who do not have an Ao3 account know when something new has happened.

So there you have it. 😊

[thecurrator]

𝐌𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡 𝐮𝐩 𝐟𝐨𝐫 @frostfall-matches

Your romantic match is...Jade Leech!

It's easy for you both to get along well due to your similar personalities. You both would look so natural together with your matching calm demeanors, one smiling and one apathetic. Your moderate risk-taking matches his pace just fine. You can leave the actual dangerous situations for his brother to get into.

He would also appreciate you for your shared values! He doesn't like conformity and blind obedience either. In fact, organized harmony is one of his pet peeves. He does enjoy rocking the boat discreetly, if only to make sure life isn't boring.

Since you like gossip/drama, Jade is one of the perfect people to go to for that. He's always keeping an ear out for any poor unfortunate souls in need of help, or simply to get some entertainment, and he's happy to share the latest tea with you.

You both share a love for forests, mountains, and new experiences, so he'd urge you to join his Mountain Lover Club if you want to. You get to spend time with him and do your shared hobby (hiking) together, isn't that great? Since you're already here, how about trying this mushroom he just found with him?

His love for terrariums also pairs well with your hobby of taking care of houseplants. You could get some plants for him to put in a terrarium and he could care for it with you until it's settled in. If you'd like to make your own terrarium, he'd be happy to guide you through it! It's one of his favourite ways to bond with you.

Dating him comes with the perks of free meals at the Mostro Lounge! He'll often reserve a table and invite you over, then refuse to let you pay. Does he pay for you every time? Did he make a deal with Azul to allow you free meals in exchange for something else? He likes to keep his secrets, this being one of them. Just sit back and enjoy the food while he brings you your favourite chai latte.

He's used to looking out for his boisterous brother sometimes, so he's vigilant whenever with you. He would hate for you to accidentally hurt yourself or get lost after all. Maybe he also likes being your knight in shining armor. Or something like that.

Runner-up: Jamil Viper (Someone with a personality similar to Jade who would share your love for travelling.)

Your platonic match is...Floyd Leech!

Floyd finds just about anyone interesting, so it won't take much for him to notice and take a liking to you. Especially if you start dating his brother. Given how attached he is to Jade, he might even crash your dates sometimes to hang out with you both.

Your tendency to be straightforward works well for him since he's usually very blunt himself. Communication between you two isn't complicated. Your ability to take criticism well is good too, since he has a tendency to call people out. At the least, you'll know he won't take offence easily when you speak your mind.

Floyd can read the room perfectly fine, he just doesn't care. Meaning he shares your tendency of brushing off the severity of a situation. Not a great habit to have, but at least you'll get scolded together? You both are going to be the death of Jade at this rate.

You both share enneagram types and moral alignments. Like, come on. He finds your calm but playful side very entertaining (when he's in a good mood) and will try to rope you into pranking others with him. If you don't wish to join him, you'd better be really good at either distracting him, convincing him to leave you alone or escaping him. Looking for Riddle is recommended.

Your love language is physical touch? So is his! Do you like your personal space? Floyd also likes your personal space! Sorry, you're going to have a heavy eel clinging to you the moment he decides he likes you. The height difference must look hilarious to everyone else. As for gifts, he's the type to buy cute trinkets or pick up cool rocks and give them to other people. Hope you like your gifts.

Floyd rotates hobbies every week, so he's probably tried everything you're into at some point. The one hobby he definitely shares with you is thrill-seeking activities! Not the ones involving heights though, he can't do that. But perhaps... Magical wheels?

Kinda specific, but he pays attention to the socks you wear. He finds it funny how it can either be all black or very colorful/patterned. He'll guess which kind of socks you'll be wearing for the day and get really excited when he guesses right. If you'd like, you can try and do the same for his class attendance.

Runner-up: Rook Hunt (I originally matched you with Rook but forgot my reasoning for it? I straight up forgot what I was cooking up in my head before I started writing Jade's part of the matchup and realized Floyd would be a good match for you as a friend. ???)

[juliepinsononline]

Julie Pinson's Soapnet Chat Transcript

(Friday Feb. 25, 2005)

Moderator: The chat with Julie will begin in just a few minutes so get your questions ready!

Moderator: Don't worry, we're still chatting with Julie today. She's running slightly late and is racing to the phone as I type!

Julie Pinson: Hi everybody! I'm glad that you all are joining us for a chat. This is my first time doing this but please be gentle!

Penny Hey Julie, it is great to see you on Days.. Was it strange for you to take over the role from Lisa Rinna?

Julie Pinson: No, it wasn't strange at all. I think if Lisa wasn't available to do the role, I think it was fated to be mine.

DAYSfan

hey Julie! i love watching you on DAYS! i'm wondering if anyone has ever told you that you look like Rosalind Russell? you should audition for The Women remake!

Julie Pinson: Rosalind Russell? I've never heard that one but I'm flattered!

becky

at what age did u start your acting.

Julie Pinson: The first time I remember is when I was in sixth grade and I was in the play, Heidi. I played Fraulein Rottenmeyer, the bad lady. At the curtain call, my family stood up and clapped so loud and I loved the feeling so much that I knew it was what I wanted to do.

daysluvr

hey julie, thanks for chatting with us today. i was wondering how you are adjusting to being on days? who has been the biggest help to you in the cast?

Julie Pinson: Definitely, Peter and Kristian. My storyline is with the two of them so obviously I spend most of my working time with them. They've helped fill me in on the show history and family and things like that. Basically, I found out that I'm related to everyone in Salem!

LuvThatBo

Were you a DOOL fan before landing the role of Billie, and if so, for how long?

Julie Pinson: Honestly, when I was growing up the only show that I watched was AMC. I hear the Boos coming, lol. I do remember being in a restaurant about 15 years ago and looking at the TV and seeing Kristian ice-skating. I remember thinking how beautiful she was.

Jessica

Hello Julie! I think you're doing a great job as Billie. I don't miss Lisa at all! Do you think there BIllie will fall back into drugs because of her sadness over not having Bo or Georgia?

Julie Pinson: Anything's possible. I would hope that Billie would be stronger than that but finding out that my daughter is alive is a life changing experience. I'm not sure how much disappointment it would take for Billie to go over the edge again.

sandy

do you want to always act the bad girl along with kate. to me you and kate makes sami look like a saint.

Julie Pinson: I think it's just as fun to play the bad girl, it's more fun. I think the fans like to have the bad girl on screen. If everyone was nice and wonderful it would be really boring.

Steff

Hi Julie.

I watched you on PC and Eve and Ian were one of my favorite couples. Have you kept in contact with Thorsten Kaye after you left PC?

Julie Pinson: Unfortunately I haven't. He's in NY doing AMC and we lost touch after my run on PC ended. But I loved acting opposite him.

LuvThatBo

Do you think finding your character's daughter will make her stronger or more dependent?

Julie Pinson: Stronger. I think it would give her something to live for and it would give her life meaning. I think it will strive to make her a better person.

Leslie

Who would you like to have more scenes with or work with more from the show??

Julie Pinson: I like working with Lauren (Kate). I think it might be fun for the two of them to partner up and try and wreak havoc. I would also love to Thaao Penghlis (Tony). I don't know what kind of story we could have but I would love to work opposite him. For storyline purposes I think it would be cool if Billie tried to infiltrate the DiMeras and take Tony down.

Anna

Thank you for your great preformances. LOL I want to slap you at times though for what you are doing. It looks like you are enjoying this roll. Is it fun playing Billie Holiday Reed?

Julie Pinson: Lol. I'm having a great time, it's fantastic.

jenny

i know it must have been hard on you when pc was cancelled....what's your fondest memeory from that show?

Julie Pinson: Working with Jon Lindstrom and Kin Shriner and what they taught me.

Julie Pinson: One more thing for the girl who wanted to slap me: If you didn't want to slap me at times, I wouldn't be doing justice to the character!

Desi

I was a huge Chris and Eve fan when you were on Port Charles and so felt that Eve died long before her storyline was over. I think you're doing an awesome job on Days as Billie and was so glad to see you back. In your opinion, what is the most challenging part of being in the daytime world?

Julie Pinson: I think the most challenging part is taking the stories that the writers come up with and making them work because sometimes the stories are really out there and we have to make the audience believe that it's really happening.

Holly

Hey Julie.. I remember reading once that you collect dolls. Do you still?

Julie Pinson: Yes, absolutely. I collect Barbies! I haven't bought any new ones in a couple of years. I got to the point where I thought I had enough. I just got a new Barbie catalogue so I might look at it after the chat!

BoluvsFancyFace

All the smiles and smirks that you do behind Hope's back, is that a touch that you add on your own or are you directed to do so?

Julie Pinson: I add it on my own. Do you hate it or love it? You have to bring something of your own to the character and the history that I understand Hope and Billie have warrant the smirks.

Holland

Loved your scenes with Bryan Dattilo (Lucas). Great brother and sister chemisty. Will there be more of that in the future?

Julie Pinson: I hope so! I haven't seen any scripts yet within the next few weeks where we're together but I love hanging out with Bryan.

Kallie

Hi Julie! I admire your acting on the show and loved you on PC as well. Who are your personal heros?

Julie Pinson: That's a good question. Well, I'd say one of my personal heroes is my best friend Sherry who has managed to raise her daughter (my goddaughter) by herself and hold a full time job. Single parents are amazing to me. My parents, as well.

Penny

Do you still keep in touch with any of your Port Charles costars?

Julie Pinson: Jon Linstrom is one of my best friends. Ion Overman and I still talk.

Connie Boaz

I love your hair. Can you give me some details on the type of cut it is and what you do to get it to look so great? i.e., products, styling etc.

Thank you

Julie Pinson: It's pretty much a razor cut. I use BedHead products - the Movie Star line. I also use KMS Configur and then I turn my head upside down and blow it dry.

noodle0043

Has it been hard playing Billlie and trying to come between Bo and Hope?

Julie Pinson: No, it's not hard because Billie has a reason for everything that she does. At this point, she's not trying to come between Bo and Hope on purpose. She's really not. You may snicker, but she really isn't. lol.

Oahu girl

Julie, do you think that it would be a better story for Billie to get over Bo and become a mother to Georgia? I know you are new to the show, but for long time viewers, this Billie coming between Bope story is old. It's unbelievable that after 16 years we are led to believe Billie has not moved on. Billie is better than that. I think Bope belong together. Billie needs a new man, and a new story. Do you agree?

Julie Pinson: I think that Billie deserves a chance at true love. And I'll leave it up to the writers to tell me who they think that is.

Kelly

What adivice would you give to someone who might be considering going into acting?

Julie Pinson: Love it more than anything in the world. Have a tough exterior because you'll have to get used to rejection. But it only takes one yes to make it to the top.

Alina

Are you friends with any of the cast members outside of work?

Julie Pinson: Brody (Patrick) and I hang out together.

Dawniebeth

Since you and Bryan are brother and sister I hope they make the big sister come out and protect him from his lying mom. Billie is smart enough to see thru Kates lies, do you think that might happen?

Julie Pinson: I think the truth is going to come out that Kate set Sami out and Billie will be very upset with her mother. I think right now Billie is giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Desi

I loved you as Eve. You and Nolan North had amazing chemistry as Chris and Eve. A lot of fans felt like the story ended way too soon for those two characters. Would you have liked to have seen Chris and Eve get together back in the day?

Julie Pinson: Most definitely, yes. I always thought that Chris and Eve would have made a great super couple. We would have taken over PC as the best super couple. I loved working with Nolan, by the way.

noodle0043

What characteristics do you and your character Billie have in common?

Julie Pinson: We're both strong and we both have a sense of humor. I've tried to infuse a little bit of humor into her because I think that I'm funny. Lol. We're independent women.

Holly

What do you enjoy most about being back in daytime?

Julie Pinson: I enjoy that I look forward to going to work every day and getting to do something that I love so much.

Kelly

Who's your favorite actor/actress(not from Days, of course!)?

Julie Pinson: My favorite actor is Robert Redford. My favorite actress would take too long to decide. Elizabeth Taylor is my all-time favorite movie star but I don't really have a favorite actress right now.

Kelly

Have you heard that Billy Warlock is returning to Days? Weren't the two of you engaged? Are you looking forward to working with him?

Julie Pinson: I've heard that Billy is coming back and I'm definitely looking forward to working with him. We have always remained friends.

Emanuel

If you had to play another on "Days" who would it be?

Julie Pinson: I wouldn't want to play any other character. I love playing Billie.

Kelly

I've particularily enjoyed the flashback scenes with Peter! How did you enjoy shooting those, especially with the long hair?

Julie Pinson: Those were fun. It was nice having long hair again. I enjoyed playing those flashback scenes because Bo is actually in love with Billie!

Brandy

What is the most exciting part about being a part of the Days of Our Lives cast? Anything in particular that's your favorite thing about working there?

Julie Pinson: My favorite thing about working at DAYS is that from the minute I stepped on that stage I have felt nothing but warmth and welcome from everyone - the cast and the crew. I have never had that experience working in the industry before. That's the truth!

Julie Pinson: Thank you all for chatting with me today. Thank you for the interest in myself and in Billie. Stick with her and I promise you'll never have a boring day! Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: West Coast Avengers #1: Avengers Assemble!

September, 1984

WHO will answer Hawkeye’s call to join the new team?

I assume Mockingbird? I see her silhouette in the cover box and the assumption was that she and Clint were a package deal? I don’t know what it’s being played like its not a given.

Some good or at least interesting options here for the second team.

Red Wolf, Iron Man, Puck, I thiiiiink Crystal?, Doc Sampson, Mockingbird, Cyclops, Black Widow, Wonder Man, Tigra, Quicksilver, Hercules, Ant-Man, Namor, and the Shroud.

A lot of interesting options. I really want it to be Cyclops and I know its not going to be Cyclops.

STOP TEASING ME WITH AVENGERS CYCLOPS IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GIVE IT TO ME!

Also, this issue #1 of West Coast Avengers. Or at least the first issue #1. The team is introduced in a four issue miniseries before getting an ongoing - and a second issue #1 - about a year later.

This will be moderately confusing for my numbering but I’m brave enough to barrel on through anyway.

Last time in Avengers: Vision became the chairman of the Avengers and announced that due to the threat of the Dire Wraiths, the Avengers would be opening up a West Coast team led by newly married Hawkeye. In one page reminders of the subplot in various issues, Hawkeye and Mockingbird arrived in Los Angeles, went real estate shopping, and set up a new HQ in a nice compound that used to belong to an actress.

The team is only missing one thing.

A team.

Maybe it’s just me but I’d think that you’d get the team sorted out before you spent who knows how much renovating a compound up to the level required for a superhero team.

It’s going to be really embarrassing if you open a new Avengers team and nobody comes.

(Vision agrees and has taken the liberty of reaching out to several likely candidates.)

Mockingbird confirms that Hawkeye has invited her onto the team but she’s not even sure she’s Avengers material, she doesn’t even have powers.

Hawkeye: “Neither does Captain America! Neither do I! If I can be an Avenger -- !”

Mockingbird: “Anyone can, right?”

Hawkeye: “And people wonder why you took the code-name Mockingbird!”

Haha! I do like their chemistry!

He does clarify that its totally not just because she’s married to him (although I would point out that he kept trying to get Black Widow on the team based on them dating) but that she’s totally earned it! She has years of experience as a SHIELD agent!

Hawkeye calls Vision to let him know that the place is all set up and Vision lets him know about the reaching out to several likely candidates biz.

BOOM SCENE TRANSITION TO DOWNTOWN SAN FRANCISCO at the office of private investigator Jessica Drew.

Because, yeah, Jessica Drew did the PI thing as an ex-superhero way before Jessica Jones. And Jessica Jones is probably Drew with some of the serial numbers scratched off.

ANYWAY, she’s talking to hardboiled Tigra, who helped her on the Enselmo case.

Jessica Drew: “I still laugh when I think about the way you ran our pigeon up and down Telegraph Hill!”

Tigra: “That was the best part of the case! After all... bringing pigeons to ground is second nature to a lady who’s half-cat!”

Jessica tries to offer Tigra a job (since this is before the internet and Tigra can’t find a lot of modeling jobs for models covered with fur) but Jessica’s secretary interrupts with a call for Tigra.

The call sounds ominous from Jess only hearing half of it but I’m 99.9% sure its Vision offering Tigra a spot on the West Coast Avengers.

Read Tigra’s replies with that context and you’ll laugh.

Tigra tells Jess that she’s got to book it to LA for business that she has to settle on her own but they’ll talk about Jess’ offer later.

Tigra: “Don’t worry, I’m a big girl... I can make my own mistakes!”

I feel like a little bit of clarification would have gone a long way here, Tigra.

Because Jessica assumes that Tigra is in trouble and decides to call someone to tail (ha) Tigra.

Meanwhile, a car chase in the Mojave Desert.

To cut to the car chase, this is a movie set filming a stunt spectacular car chase scene for what I’m pretty sure is James Bond.

Pyrotechnics are easy if you don’t stress blowing up the stuntman.

Because he’s near invulnerable.

The stuntman (Simon Williams, Wonder Man) does need to have buckets of water thrown on him to cool him off after being in an explosion but he’s otherwise fine.

Cool that Wonder Man found an acting job he can handle. He seems pretty thrilled with it.

One of the staff on set tells Simon that his trailer is buzzing and he realizes its his Avengers transceiver.

He receives his offer from Vision (although apparently a much more vague one than Tigra) and flies off after making sure he has no more stunts scheduled for the day.

An hour later and hundreds of miles elsewhere, Iron Man (the James Rhodes version) is flying around, minding his own business, thinking about how cool it is to have relocated to California to help Tony Stark open a new business, admiring the Standord University Linear Accelerator Center.

Just as he’s thinking that he hopes that Tony isn’t in a hurry to being Iron Man since he’s gotten used to it, Vision cuts in on the secret Iron Man radio frequency to call him in to the meeting.

Iron Man arrives twenty minutes later at the West Avengers compound on the Palos Verdes Peninsula bluffs and paraphrased does an impressed whistle at what a nice place it is.

Iron Man: “Some spread! This looks like the kinda place Tony would’ve hung out... before he lost Stark International! The best part of being his pilot in those days was ferrying him to spots like this! Who’d have thought I’d ever be invited on my own? Then again, who’d have thought little Jimmy Rhodes would grow up to be Iron Man?!”

Future knowledge bums me out a little with this. This is spoilers for a year from now and several issues from now but in the time gap between the West Coast Avengers limited series and the ongoing, Tony does take over being Iron Man again. I hope you enjoy all this while it lasts, Rhodey. And hey, War Machine is only like eight years away!

Tigra arrives and starts acting familiar with Iron Man because she thinks she knows its Tony and they were teammates for a bit.

She ditches the briefly identity obscuring trenchcoat and hat because dammit she has a year round fur coat and its hot in California!

She also might be flirting, although hopefully not as bad as she’ll get later in the ongoing. Spoilers for a year and several issues for now but it is a bafflingly bad subplot that Tigra gets given.

The other reason I bring it up is that this is the exact situation that led Rhodey to quit the Avengers when he became Iron Man. He felt it would be awkward interacting with people who already knew Iron Man well.

I guess he’s more comfortable with it now.

The West Coast Avengers roster that we already know about are all people who either quit the Avengers or don’t feel like they’d be a good fit. Which is just a great start so I’m interested to see if we’ll get justifications for why they’d sign up the minute a franchise opens.

Hawkeye takes Tigra and Iron Man off on a tour while a mysterious shrouded figure watches.

The tour concludes without us seeing the tour, boo. But it comes up that neither Iron Man or Tigra know why they’re here.

Iron Man was just told he was needed but didn’t get any more details. We know that Wonder Man got the same vagueness. And Tigra was just offered a $1000 dollar stipend to fly out to LA and see if she could “help the Avengers out!”

So Hawkeye gives them the sales pitch.

That Captain America made it a rule that except in emergencies, the Avengers’ roster would be limited to six members. But Vision decided that they need more than six Avengers but wanted to keep the team from becoming unwieldy so told Hawkeye to set up an expansion team: the West Coast Avengers!

It’ll basically be the same thing as the original Avengers in terms of by-laws and rights and privileges and both groups will be affiliated but the West Coast Avengers will be running their own show west of the Rockies.

If everyone here agrees to sign up, that’ll make a team of five with a sixth spot to fill.

But Tigra objects that she left the original team because she felt out of her depth and why would that be different here?

Ah, now there it is.

Justify it, Hawkeye.

Except he doesn’t because the intruder alarm goes off.

The intruder alarm all the way in the first basement level, which means their intruder has already penetrated deep into the compound and bypassed a lot of the security systems.

Hawkeye is sure that the intruder is actually a highly organized commando raid and he’s instantly proven wrong with an infrared scan shows just one guy.

Womp womp.

Hawkeye is also sure that however this just one guy got as far as he did, the security system in the next area will totally--

Womp womp.

Hawkeye is fed up at this point and seals off the security levels, forcing the dude back through the domestic areas. He then orders Iron Man, Tigra, and Mockingbird to split up to cover more ground that way and surround the intruder.

Not having much better to do, they do, but everyone has some misgivings in their thinky thoughts.

Iron Man: Hawk sounds like he really gets into giving orders. I don’t know if I like that.

Tigra: I must be some sort of masochist to get involved with Avengers again! They always seem to know what they’re doing... not like me! What am I doing here? What am I trying to prove?

Hawkeye: Should I let the others catch our intruder... or rush in and collar him myself? How would Cap handle this?

Mockingbird: Poor Hawk... He wants so much to be a good leader! I know he can do it, but I wish he wouldn’t try quite so hard! In a way, though, it’s funny... His first act as leader was having the team split up!

Mockingbird is the first to run into the intruder, suddenly being enveloped in a cloud of darkness. She can’t see anything but hears someone moving and launches one of her staves from her spring-loaded sleeve launcher.

Its a near miss, breaking a lamp instead of the intruder, who turns out to be Shroud. Y’know, that friend of Jessica Drew’s we met in that two-parter about saving Jessica Drew’s ghost?

Shroud realizes how skilled Mockingbird is and that he might have trouble if he takes her lightly so he goes right for the Vulcan neck pinch, knocking out Mockingbird. But she hits Shroud in the stomach guts with her second stave as she’s passing out.

Hawkeye then shows up, concerned that he hasn’t run into Mockingbird yet and drawn to the cloud of darkness, except not the Final Fantasy villain.

He shoots a light arrow, except not the Legend of Zelda powerup, into the cloud to no real effect so shrugs and shoots a sonic arrow instead.

Shroud flees the area and Hawkeye finds Mockingbird who tells him to shut up with the EEEEE arrow.

Hawkeye: “Where’d our man go?”

Mockingbird: “How should I know? It was dark!”

Hah.

The cloud of darkness passes through the area of the mansion/compound that Tigra is in and she recognizes it as Shroud’s darkness. She calls out to him but he doesn’t hear her because he’s in another wing about to be tackled by Iron Man who can see Shroud with his in-helmet radar.

Controlling darkness is all well and good until technology.

Ain’t it said, Rumia?

Shroud is also blind so all he knows is that an armored man is lunging at him until Iron Man calls him a fool for trespassing on Avengers turf.

And that’s when he realizes that he done goofed.

Hmm. What is that symbol on Shroud’s hood, anyway? It looks kinda like Aku.

Shroud manages to escape Iron Man’s grasp, sacrificing some of his neat cape. Although, it tears into an even cooler look so is it really a sacrifice?

He decides that he’s just going to get out of here.

Shroud: Have to get undercover and think out my next move. I don’t want to fight Avengers! That could become a life’s work -- and I have better things to do!

I can’t decide whether he means that he’d be at it all day or that this misunderstanding fight would lead him down an unwilling path of villainy as some third-string grudge holder.

Probably the former?

Anyway, Shroud is just leaping over the balcony when Wonder Man finally arrives and spots him. And unfortunately for Shroud’s ribs, he has been cultivating a reputation as a crimelord so Wonder Man flies in and tackles him into a tree.

Womp womp, except for Shroud this time.

Tigra shows up and jumps on Wonder Man from forty feet away to stop him from hurting Shroud any further, explaining that he’s her friend.

Shroud: “I’m certainly glad I’m not an enemy... I’d hate to think how I’d be treated then!”

Hah.

Later, in the medical room, I guess, Mockingbird applies bandages to Shroud’s ribs except on the outside of his costume. Does... does that do anything? Obviously not for open wounds. But for bruised bones, I guess the point is compression. But it feels less than ideal because he’d have to take off the bandages to take off his shirt. Just feels better to apply the bandages under the clothes, MOCKINGBIRD.

What makes it weirder is that we see him a couple panels later pulling his shirt down over the bandages. Which makes me think Mockingbird bandaged him on top of his costume and he had to pull his costume top out from under them and pull it down. He didn’t just stop her because that would be rude?

Shroud explains that Jessica Drew asked him to keep an eye on Tigra because of how the phone call made her act all weird. He followed Tigra from the airport to here and ran into a gaggle of superheroes. 

In the meantime, Hawkeye has verified Shroud with a report Captain America filed on him so Hawkeye believes he’s a good guy now.

Wonder Man and Iron Man apologize for going in swinging and Tigra for not just telling Jessica what the call was about. But Shroud tells them no permanent harm done.

Hawkeye decides to offer Shroud the last spot on the team (assuming that everyone already invited is going to choose to stay).

Hawkeye: “That trick you do with the dark is one slick little number... and anyone who can hold his own against us as long as you did obviously has what it takes in the skill department. Besides, what you did reminds me a little of how I introduced myself to the Avengers -- I broke in, too! Come on... What do you say?”

Shroud say... no.

He’s honored and a couple years earlier he would have jumped at the chance. But Wonder Man’s assumption didn’t come from nowhere. Shroud has been spending the last many months building up his outlaw rep so he can take down gangs from the inside.

Like the Green Hornet, I guess?

But since it’d be hard to be an Avenger West Coast AND keep up the fake outlaw thing, Shroud has to turn them down.

Shroud then pulls his cloud of darkness disappearing trick and nopes out.

With all that tied up, Wonder Man asks whats the big thing that Vision called him out for, leading an exasperated Hawkeye to start his West Coast Avengers sales pitch from the top.

Mockingbird: “That’s the spirit, fearless leader! Just remember, it can only get better from here!”

Hah.

So, that was the first issue of West Coast Avengers.

And there’s still no West Coast Avengers team.

Tigra and Iron Man still have reservations about the idea. Wonder Man has no idea why he’s there.

Its an interesting decision to hit the ground walking with this team. But it makes sense. The initial plan wasn’t for the West Coast Avengers to get an ongoing. This limited series was supposed to establish the concept, give a few Avengers affiliated characters something to be doing off-panel, and be able to be pulled in for crossovers and guest appearances as needed.

So the book can focus more on Hawkeye’s trials in actually getting this team going. He’s finally gotten to be a leader of the Avengers like he’s always wanted and now has to deal with all the frustration that Captain America or Hank Pym had with him, and then some.

Still, funny that the West Coast Avengers’ first adventure has them not only not a team yet but spending their time beating up a friend due to mistaken identity.

Will they get their act together by the next issue? Only time will tell. I tell a lie because Chronos never spoils stories. Only me will tell or maybe the Internet.

Follow @essential-avengers​ for the rest of the West Coast Avengers limited series. And for eventual bafflement when they get an ongoing. Also, like and reblog.

[fencesandfrogs]

sea shanties, work songs, tiktok

so apparently tiktok and sea shanties (technically they’re usually sea folk songs, based on the ones i’ve heard, which is not many) are having a moment and as someone who’s always been a fan of work songs, esp. sea shanties, i just wanted to take a moment to talk/think about them.

[this is abt 1.4k words with a lot of music, incl. 4 embeded videos. i included this break because scrolling past long posts is annoying but like. there’s some good music to listen to in here even if u don’t want to read the whole thing.]

call & response is a pretty common musical idea. i’m not sure at all, but i’d wager a good deal that it’s probably some of the oldest stuff we have. but, like, if you’ve ever sung anything in a group, it’s there. the classic call and response is shorter, but i just want to also say a lot of music can be thought of as call and response, like verses/choruses, etc.

i think it just speaks to a human desire to participate in music. many people know what i’m talking about here (maybe most? i come from a musical family so i don’t have a good breadth of experience but i’ve met very few people who don’t jive to music), and so we make this little welcoming come sing with me environment.

anyway, so work songs are a type of music meant to coordinate labor. a lot of work songs are formed by slaves, because for a work song to be helpful, you need to be doing work that requires coordination.

sea shanties are a specific type of work song that use the general structure of the american slave work song combine with irish, scottish, and english folk music.

folk music as a whole is a wider genre that overlaps a lot with work songs, especially as you start to turn to industrial work songs and cowboy work songs and the like which have a less specific rhythm than sea shanties specifically.

musical edification complete, i’m going to focus on sea shanties and industrial work songs b/c that’s what i listen to the most.

so call and response. sea shanties usually have a soloist part that’s a bit more musically complex, and the response is “simpler”. i’m not here to talk abt music theory or why they developed like that, but you know when you’re bad at singing, having a simple part to join in with is positive. hits the warm gooey spot of participating in group music. here’s a recording of blow the man down which i think demonstrates this quality really well:

(it’s a pretty popular shanty which is why i picked it. the “truth”of my argument is not at all universal, and it’s not just about speed, but also the rhythm, melody, etc.)

anyway there’s a lot of shanties and what typically comes to mind is drunken sailor which i know “all” the words to (as much as anyone can) but you’ll see theré’s no call and response

what do you do with a drunken sailor

what do you do with a drunken sailor

what do you do with a drunken sailor

early in the morning

right? that’s not a call and response, it’s just repetition. lyrically, its a call and response:

put him in bed with the captain’s daughter

(that’s my favorite line bc as kids we didn’t understand it so it made us laugh)

but musically you’re not having a back and forth. and so they’re things everyone just gets to sing together.

and that brings me to more industrial work songs. my favorite is sixteen tons, because i’m a basic bitch, and the line “saint peter don’t you call me cause i can’t go” is eternally stuck in my head. here’s a full version:

so as you can see, there’s no call and response, but the melody is relatively simple. it’s repetitive, the range is decent, and it’s got a really flexible tempo (the video i chose is pretty moderate, but here’s a fast one (and this is pure performance), and i swear i have a slower version on my computer but i can’t find it for the life of me).

(aside: one thing to notice in the johnny cash version is the backing. his is far more complex than ernie ford, and that’s because it’s dropped all pretense of being a work song. work songs don’t have much behind them because they’re almost always a capello. this isn’t super relevant to the discussion i just wanted to point it out.)

so mining work songs are generally like this (see black waters, another favorite of mine), and it’s not hard to see where folk music as a genre develops:

i just really like this song it’s probably not the best example.

on the other hand, other folk music maintains the structure. lets look at oh susanna (i hate this version, but the vocals are very clear so uhhh here’s a random cool fancy one listen to this it’s super cool).

the whole thing is fairly repetitive, it doesn’t have a strictly definite end, etc. the melody is still pretty simple, although i will say, having sung this in a choir, it can get more complicated in arrangement pretty easily.

anyway, this becomes bluegrass which is basically the folk version of country, here’s callin baton rogue which is absolutely one of the best songs to ever be written. this version is done by garth brooks, country singer, but listen to that fiddle and tell me it’s country.

(this is future matthew with an edit just to say, like, i’m not trying to establish a *strictly* factual chain of music genres here. bluegrass is, i believe, related closely to jazz & blues, while country was formed directly as an opposition to jazz & music history is really complicated.)

you get a lot of ballads here, eg ballad of john henry. i’m not going to say that’s good. but uh there’s a lot to filter through and i’m supposed to be working on my computer science assignment not doing an exploratory discussion of work songs and associated genres.

so this brings us to scottish/irish/english ballads. the clancy brothers are a popular band here, my mom had them on in the car a lot. here’s the work of the weavers for a slower song, but a good one, and here’s moonshiner, which is both a good song and takes me to my next point: sea songs, folk song, and tiktok (see its almost the same as the title it’s a joke).

i’m happy to see folk music making a resurgence. it was really a shame that we spent such a long time listening to not singing friendly music. that’s not a diss on any particular genre (except for edm fuck edm, everyone who makes dance remixes should have their music liscences revoked), because in isolation every genre is fine, but then you take it all together, and there’s a lack of the group singing, safe for bad singers, simple to play, music as a wider genre.

when did we stop singing lullabies? i mean i assume we still sing them to children, but how many do you know? how long has it been since a song like you are my sunshine has been popular? *caveat that i don’t listen to the radio, but if you have a counter example, make sure you think about how long it is and how large the range is and how complicated the rhythm is, etc., because that all is part of it.

at the camp i used to go to, we would sing bohemian rhapsody walking down the hill to the waterfront. someone would start it, and those interested get to join in sometime around “easy come easy go", but then you get to a guitar solo, and the thing kind of fizzles without a backing track.

and that’s what i mean, i mean people keep singing together, and wouldn’t it be better if more people made music that was meant to be sung? i mean sure you can gather your friends and sing anything, but will it resonate in the same way “what do you do with a drunken sailor?” would? will everyone be able to sing it, will it sound okay if you sing it badly? why did we stop making music that sounded best when we sing it the way we always have? why did we stop listening to it?

anyway i don’t have a deep take on this except like folk music is really good, and traditional songs exist for a reason. since i’ve focused really heavily on america and gaelic tradition, because that’s what i listend to growing up, and therefore can speak about in a qualitative sense, i would like to just leave this south african lullaby here, because my mom used to sing it to me, so it’s got a real soft spot in my heart. i didn’t really talk about lullabies because again comp sci assignment but they’re related, so anyway, this has an english translation in there which may or may not be the standard? but you can know what it means too:

[rovewritesit]

Angel Of My Dreams (Chapter 5) John Deacon x Reader Series

GIF: @johndeac​

Apologies for the delay! Work has been an absolute shit fest. The big show I’m on got canceled, but we still have to finish the season at some point so oof. Also, my boss is moving to Italy? Pray for my sanity, folks.

Series Summary: After reluctantly joining a band with your childhood best friends, you are thrust into oncoming stardom with no sea legs and an overwhelming sense of anxiety. But you just might find your way, thanks to some seasoned pros by your side. And the interest of one particular bassist.

This series is a work of fiction and is loosely inspired by real people and events. Absolutely no offense is meant to actual Queen or their families.

PART 1 - PART 2 - PART 3 - PART 4

Pairing: John Deacon x Reader

Chapter Warnings: Strong language. Feelings of anxiety. Angst (oooo!)

Chapter Notes: I've rewritten this chapter so many times that I don't even know what it is anymore. Angst is hard, my dudes! Why can't it all be flirty glances and quick banter?!

Song/Title Inspiration: Angel - Fleetwood Mac

Songs Mentioned:

Moonlight in Vermont - Frank Sinatra

Blues Run The Game - Jackson C. Frank

Taglist: @yourlocalmusicalprostitute @brianmays-hair @deacyblues @squishy-geckboye @hae-bee @aprilaady @theresalexis @uglipotata72829

- - - - - - -

September 1982 - The Music Inn, New York City

“Bri, get a load of all these fucking maracas!”

Brian makes his way over to where Roger is gazing at a massive wall adorned with shaker-filled shelves, dipping his head low to avoid the sea of guitars hanging from the ceiling above his long frame. 

Queen was back in New York for their first-ever appearance on Saturday Night Live. Finding time in between the intensive rehearsals during the week had been hard, but Freddie insisted they would make the time for his favorite New Yorkers. When the time was finally found, he, of course, was unavailable, off antiquing at some of Manhattan’s luxury spots but promised to meet up with the group later on. 

The Limbs managed to snag the other three men for a trip to the historic Music Inn. Nestled in the heart of Greenwich Village, the dingy treasure trove was located a stone’s throw away from the city’s most prominent folk clubs that boasted discovering the talents of Bob Dylan and Simon & Garfunkel. 

You were quite confident that your newfound English friends would love it. Every visible space was stuffed or covered with an abundance of musical paraphernalia. So much so that you had been in the store dozens of times without ever finding out what color the walls were. Its layout was always changing to fit the ever-growing amount of items displayed, the familiar specks of dust that sparkled in the sunlight being the only constants.

“Hey, Jeff!” Steve calls out to the eccentric owner. “Where are these from?” 

The aging hippie shuffles over. “Mostly South America,” he explains in his usual gravelly drawl. “A customer brought back some new shekeres from West Africa last week that have a nice sound to them.” Jeff motions up the sprawling wall. Roger immediately grabs a few, testing the sounds out against the ones Steve is already playing with - the two of them like kids in a candy store.

Jeff had been a good friend to The Limbs since their early teen years, having let the group spend hours on end attempting to learn every exotic instrument they could get their hands on. Anyone who entered the shop could count on him as a spirit guide of sorts to a wealth of worldly music. And while The Limbs had kept their first album fairly plain in context, they were already itching, particularly Steve, to experiment on the next album. Whenever that would be.

Now that a few more of their singles were moderately successful hits, Columbia Records was focused on milking it for all that it was worth. The execs were currently setting up an extensive American tour of the Mid - West Coast part of the country, all the major cities they hadn’t hit on their first tour. 

“Y/N,” Jeff gestures for you to follow him, probably excited to show you a new find seeing as you were always eager and willing to give them a test run. You make your way down the staircase lined with large balalaikas to the musty lower level filled with various sound equipment and electronic instruments. 

“What on god’s green earth would you use that for?” you hear Rich’s deep voice implore. He rolls his eyes as Eddie moons over an ornately engraved mandolin.

“It worked for Rod Stewart, didn’t it? That mandolin solo in Maggie May shredded,” he retorts. “Plus, look how pretty she is!”

You watch your feet as you carefully maneuver around the amps and pedals haphazardly strewn around the floor, following Jeff to the back of the room - taking special care to step around John, who is crouched low looking over the wiring of a particularly grody-looking amp.

Upon entering the store, he had taken off on his own right away, immediately entranced by the sprawling selection all about him. But you had caught the worn, far-off look in his eyes when he greeted you with a short wave earlier. You try not to let the lack of attention bother you as you pass him without so much as a glance up. The heartfelt conversation you had the last time they were in town had rooted itself in your memory. Spilling your guts like you did that night wasn't a common occurrence for you- figuring you were already easy enough to read due to the panicked expression often etched onto your face. 

Why him? Even your bandmates weren’t privy to the babblings of your intimate thoughts. It couldn’t just be his boyish tooth-gap or the pleasing line of his straight nose. Maybe it was the confusing mix of nerves and comfort you felt whenever in his presence. It was unlike the persistent butterflies you were used to when around attractive humans. Feeling instead like a gentle humming that you somehow sensed everywhere at once.

You’re brought out of your swimming thoughts as Jeff clears his throat loudly to get your attention. You must’ve been staring blankly at the floor for quite a while. He gestures to a bulky item draped in a tarp, as you give him a small apologetic smile.

“Oh yes, very pretty,” you smirk at him.

He rolls his eyes as he attempts to sweep the tarp off in a dramatic reveal, but in reality, it gets stuck. The man scrambles to uncover it, and as soon as it peeks out, you gasp.

“A theremin!”

You gaze at the ordinary-looking wooden cabinet in awe. It must be old, seeing as they were mostly compact now.

“You haven’t had one in ages,” you marvel, locking eyes with Jeff.

“Which means it’s been a while since I’ve heard your ambient screeches plaguing these walls.”

Your finger points to him in protest. “Hey, I was getting better until you sold the last one on me!”

“Well, I didn’t see you making a bid for it,” he playfully shrugs.

“Let’s hear those screeches!” Eddie yells out. Rich claps his hands excitedly beside him. You poke your tongue out at them, but your eyes catch John’s, and you quickly close your mouth. Still crouched, he looks on with mild curiosity wrinkled on his brow. He lightly raises them at you in silent encouragement.

You slowly make your way behind the instrument as Jeff plugs it into the wall. Turning one of the knobs, it hums to life as you check the metal attachments protruding from the wood frame. It really is old. You have no idea how to even begin to calibrate it. Taking a deep breath, you timidly bring your hands up in position.

It lets out a high pitched wail that burns your ears from being so close, and you yank your hands away from the field of current. Eddie and Rich erupt into cheers while John slowly stands, moving a bit closer to see the mechanism properly.

Jeff lightly pushes you back towards it in a gentle coax. This time you slowly bring your curled hand a reasonable distance away from the pitch antenna, keeping your other low on the one for volume. Squeezing your eyes shut to focus on the tone, you slowly move until you find your starting note. It was all about sense memory and your ears to fill the gaps with nothing to physically touch. 

Uncurling your fingers, you begin the opening notes of Moonlight in Vermont - the one song you had somewhat taught yourself through hours of painstaking practice. You fumble a bit, eliciting a squeak or two while trying to remember the hand placements that produce the proper notes. While you might “play” many instruments, you were middling at many, master of none. You make it through the first verse before your head starts to pound from your jaw-clenched concentration.

“Fuck the mandolin, let’s get that for the next album!” you hear Rich tell Eddie.

“Ah, yes, you’ve heard Pet Sounds. Now prepare your ears for The Limb’s sophomore attempt, Ghost Sounds,” 

Their banter is drowned out as John chimes in. “How on earth did you learn that?” You meet his struck expression and shrug lightly.

“Don’t downplay it, Bun. It’s pretty fucking cool,” Rich assures you. “And her knowing ASL also helps,” he explains to John.

“Sign language?”

“Oh yeah, Y/N’s mom is deaf,” Eddie reveals bluntly. You shoot him a look.

“Sorry, hard of hearing,” he holds his hands out in defense.

John is silent for a moment as he mulls the information over, causing a speck of tension in the room.

“Your mother’s never heard you sing?” he asks incredulously as if he can’t possibly imagine it.

You give a small smile. “No, I guess she hasn’t. But I was in the car with her the first time I heard us on the radio. I turned the treble down and the bass all the way up and she bopped along to the beat pretty well.”

Rich chuckles lightly at the story. “She’s always been hoot, hasn’t she?”

You nod gently. “Aptly put. That’s how she describes herself as a matter of fact.”

John shoves his hands deep in his pockets as he takes a look around the room, his cheeks a light pink. You're unsure of why.

“I’m gonna head out for a quick smoke,” you decide, patting Jeff on the shoulder. “I know how you hate it.”

He gives your hand a light squeeze before you make your way upstairs, hoping to catch John’s eyes, but he avoids yours yet again. 

A pleasing blend of harmonies can be heard as you hit the landing. You peek your head around a large assortment of bongos to find Brian strumming a small acoustic on the other side of the store. Roger, Steve, and Lawrence all crammed around, the four of them singing a rendition of Blues Run the Game. 

Your heart warms at the sight, remembering the times when you and the boys would sit around a campfire and croon out the same sad tune. Eddie and Rich will be pissed they missed this. Steve notices your presence and silently ticks his head for you to come join. You hold up your pack of Marlborough’s in response to him before finally slipping out the front, trying your best to not jingle the adorned bells too much.

A cool breeze promptly passes through the knit of your sweater. It’s late September, and New York has begun to really cool off. You pull down the sleeves to cover your hands as you light your cigarette, wincing a bit on the first inhale. It was a leftover habit from your college days- scarcely used, only in social situations, or to get out of awkward ones.

Taking in the familiar street, you can’t help but giggle at the day you were having. To be showing Queen around your old hangout still felt absurd. No matter how genuinely they seemed to like the company of your band, you couldn’t fathom them wanting to spend the day with you all. Weren’t there bigger and better musicians in this city to be hanging out with? 

The sound of a lighter flicking to life comes from your left, and you turn. John leans against the faded wall as he takes a drag, his eyes trained on the dirty sidewalk. 

“I’m sorry, i- if I offended you with my comment about your mother,” he professes quietly. 

Your brows shoot up in confusion. “What?”

“We have a friend whose father is deaf. A lovely man. I shouldn’t have been so insensitive.” He sighs, finally turning to face you. “It’s just that the memory of hearing your voice for the first time isn’t something one can easily shake. I mean that in a way that- it’s just a shame really. For her to not be able to share in it when it’s something so...” he looks as if he’s racking his brain for an appropriate word. “Well, singular.”

You suck in a breath at his words. In all your years, you had never gotten that as a response to your mother’s disability. It was mostly a polite, “Oh, really? I’m so sorry to hear that.” His honesty and consideration for your feelings knock the present hum of your body up to 100. 

You flinch as gentle burning hits your fingers, and you look down at your forgotten cigarette, quickly flicking it to the ground before crushing it under your heel. John shifts his weight from side to side, never taking his eyes off of you while he waits for you to collect your thoughts.

“I write out my lyrics for her so she can read them as poems,” you state simply, smiling up at him. “Sometimes she makes up her own melodies and sings them around the house. It’s not the easiest on the ears, but she’s pretty inventive.” His eyes crinkle as he returns your grin - his first genuine one of the day.

“So she’s heard music before?”

“Oh yeah. She has nerve deafness, which didn’t start till her late twenties. She actually spent a lot of time around here when she was younger. Bitter End and The Gaslight are just a few blocks away.”

He hums lightly as he stares at you- like you’re a puzzle whose pieces are just beginning to fit together.

“Can you teach me something in sign language?”

Once again, your brows shoot up, shocked by his response. You blink a few times, trying to think of what to say. Going with the only thing that pops to mind, you sign out a phrase as he watches your hands intently.

“And what does that mean?”

You smirk, “You are a cheesy cow.”

“I’m sorry?” he laughs out.

You repeat it back slowly while signing along. “You. Are. A. Cheesy. Cow. It’s the first thing my mother taught me how to sign.”

He runs his hand over his jaw as he chuckles. “Rich was right. A hoot she must be.”

“I’m pretty shit, to be honest, and she read lips, so it’s mostly used for snide comments during extended family gatherings.”

You watch as he puts out his cigarette and carefully takes a step closer to you. “I’m assuming your colourful vocabulary extends to those instances as well.”

“Right you are.”

“Freddie will love that,” he snickers. “He always seems to collect vulgarities in other languages wherever we go.”

Your attention is torn away as a sleek black car rolls up to a stop at the curb. It’s out of place in the middle of the street filled with old and worn buildings, which can similarly describe the people who mill about.

“Speak of the Queen herself,” you laugh as a sunglass-clad Freddie steps onto the sidewalk.

“Oh, isn’t this quaint!” he exclaims, peering into the shop window. He straightens as he turns to you, hands-on-hips.

“Deacy. Thumper. Are we fans of freezing our tits off, or shall we go inside?”

You give John a small smile and push yourself off the wall, making your way over to Freddie, who immediately pulls you into a bone-crushing hug. The bells against the door ring out as you all enter the shop.

“Ah, Deacy,” Brian pokes his head out from one of the narrow aisles, still in a constant crouch to avoid the instruments above his head. “I was looking for you. Found these adorable teeny guitars I thought might be good to bring back for the kids. What do you think?”

“Kids?” you mumble to yourself as John makes his way over to inspect them.

“Brian has two, and John’s already up to 3. Maybe we should’ve nicknamed him Bunny.” Freddie laughs, nudging your arm. “You know… fucking like rabbits,” he expands due to your lack of chuckling.

He leans into your field of vision as he studies your statue-like expression, eyebrows knit in confusion. His eyes take in your ashen face and your lifeless expression. You weren’t even sure if you were breathing. When you lock your eyes with his, you know he understands from the sheer size of how big they become. He straightens up, glancing around quickly as if looking for something to put out a fire.

“Freddie!” Steven dances over, clicking a pair of castanets in his hands. “I wanted to show you thi-”

“So sorry, love, we can’t. Y/N promised to come to a fitting with me, and we’re already late," he announces loudly, pulling you by the arm and out the door before anyone can react.

- - - - - - -

You blankly stare at your reflection in the long mirror. Freddie had instructed his stylist to pull some outfits for you to parade around in as he tried on a bevy of metallic coats.

“You’re an idiot,” you tell the girl staring back at you.

Freddie sashays over, a shag jacket swaying with him as he places his hands on your shoulders, surveying the strappy dress you were currently squeezed into.

“Oh yes, this will do for the after-party,” he instructs.

“I’m not going.”

He heaves a deep sigh. “Darling, you already refused the ticket I got you for the show. You’re coming to the party,” he declares, turning away to look at more options.

“This isn’t really me…” you mumble, gesturing to the dress.

He regards you with a small smile. “Exactly. I say this with love, but you need a look, Y/N. Something that makes you feel unstoppable,” he gestures to his body as he twirls towards you. “Don’t you want to shock them?”

You chew your lip as you ponder that sentiment. Dawn usually just shoved you into whatever ensemble she had picked for you - leather jackets, monochromatic sets, tight jumpsuits. She kept hoping you’d find a style you fancied, but you had yet to find anything remotely likable under the lights of the stage.

“To be honest, I just want to be able to feel comfortable out there," you sigh. "But I can’t strut around in flashy outfits or conduct a whole crowd like you do." Huffing as you collapse onto one of the white couches around you. He perches beside you, throwing an arm around the back of the sofa.

“Then don’t,” he says simply.

You snort a response as you cross your arms over your chest.

“I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but have you tried showing them a bit more of yourself?”

“I can’t do that.”

He turns to you now, grabbing your attention with his eyes.

“And why not?” he questions.

You gaze down at your hands, which you’re now wringing together in your lap. “What if it’s nothing spectacular?” you whisper out the criticism that you'd drilled into your mind for the past year.

Freddie laughs lightly as he stands. “Let’s not start lying to ourselves, shall we?” He moves in front of you and kneels, now at eye level, making so you can’t look away.

“Sometimes people go to a concert for an escape. A big bloody show with dazzling lights and petite men galavanting around a stage in spandex tights,” he smiles. 

“But most of the time they just want to find a piece of themselves in it, don’t they? Commonality. They want to hear you, see you, and feel just a little less alone than we all know we are. I saw just a slice of it at your concert, and it was indeed something spectacular. So take that as you will.”

You’re not one to cry much, but your eyes soften as you take in the icon of a man in front of you. A man loved by millions, who was currently filling in as your personal rock n’ roll fairy godmother.

“You’re a fantastic person, you know that?” you tell him genuinely.

“Yes,” he quips as he gets to his feet. “Now, are we done scurrying around the real problem at hand?”

You sigh as you look away, firmly willing yourself not to break the dam of bottled emotions threatening to spill out. Why couldn't you just feel numb? It would be better than the wave of childish self-pity you found yourself in.

Freddie huffs at your reaction. “Oh, you brat. Sorry to tell you, but you’re an open book, my dear. And not one of those big pompous things Brian reads. A bloody children’s book. One filled with pictures.”

You're sure you’ve now bitten through the entire top layer of your lip as you contemplate how to even begin.

“I’m an idiot,” you shrug to yourself yet again.

“No,” he points a finger at you. “You’re decidedly not. Though I am curious as to how someone who’s as big of a fan as your friends say you are, missed out on that detail.”

“I’m not sure either. I mean, I listen to your albums and go to your show, but I guess I didn’t pour over the tabloids or press interviews or anything like that.”

Freddie nods along as he sifts through another rack of jackets, choosing an incredibly tight white leather number.

“I assumed you knew,” he answers while glancing at his reflection. “And I would say Deacy should know better, but he’s not quite himself at the moment.”

“What do you mean?” you press, suddenly much more interested in the conversation.

He turns to you, palms up in explanation. “It’s not that he wouldn’t normally be charmed by your shy presence and occasionally crass mouth… But I’m a bit worried he’s finding comfort in your smiles for the wrong reasons.”

“Huh?”

Sighing heavily as if debating if he should keep skirting around his words, he holds your gaze. “An impending divorce is crippling lonely, even if it is somewhat amicable.”

His mouth is brought into a pout as you suck in a sharp breath. 

Divorce. All your previous interactions play through your head from a different angle. Pity sneaks up on you as you remember John’s advice he’d given you. The concept of home is a funny thing. You scoff out loud at how your childlike crush had skewed your interpretation of your relationship with the man.

“I’m usually the one singing his praises,” Freddie muses, breaking you out of your inner monologue of resentment towards yourself. “But he seems more lost than usual at the moment.” 

He gently lifts your chin. “I don’t normally meddle in- well, actually I do. Just don’t want to see you get hurt, Bunny. Not when the world is soon to be at your feet.”

"I'm fine," you lie, gently brush away his gesture. "I barely even know the guy. I was just shocked to have my silly fascination with him interrupted. Stupid, really."

"Don't do that," he exhales. "Don't put it on yourself. You'd have to be blind to ignore the fact that he's quite taken with you."

"I'm fine," you repeat, making your way into the back to change out of the ridiculous dress that suddenly felt even tighter now.

Shutting the door slowly, you let out a deep breath. It's all good, you tell yourself. Of course you got caught up in the attention of a world-renown musician. Who wouldn't? It's nothing special. As Freddie said, he's not even acting like himself. Although you were indeed in true form- getting caught up by the slightest of interactions. Unconsciously playing them as a loop in your head. You can't help but cringe at your own escalation of the situation.

Squaring your shoulders, you take in the image of yourself in the dress again. Perhaps it was time for you to shock them all.

- - - - - - -

“And so my grandfather goes out to the alley and sees her just wailing on this scrawny man. I mean, really going to town. So he pulls her off him, and the dude’s got a black eye and a bloody nose. And he’s like, “Thanks mate, thought she was gonna kill me there.”

Roger ruffles your hair in response to your poor attempt at a British accent. The group of cast and crew around you chuckle at the gesture. 

You had decided that if you were going to be forcibly dragged to this after-party by your bandmates, you would at least aim to make it worthwhile. A debut of your new mentality.  One where you weren't just acting the part of a rising rock star, but living it. 

Which is why at the moment, you found yourself the center of attention, surrounded by the cast and crew of SNL laughing along to your amusing story. But this was all hinged on you carefully, avoiding the presence of John Deacon at all costs. Which, in reality, wasn't very hard to do- you had yet to see him since arriving an hour ago.

“Oh my god, who was it?!” the young cast member beside you presses. You think her name is Julia, but the sheer amount of people you'd been introduced to was dizzying.

"That's exactly what we asked him when he told us. All he said was that it was some man with big lips who was in a fur coat and looked like he hadn't eaten in a month..."

The cam op across from you gasps, "It was MICK JAGGER? God bless your grandfather, I would've wept if she murdered him."

"So would my mom AND grandmother," you laugh. "Give us each a glass of wine, and it's basically a Mick fan club."

"Who else?" Brian taps your leg, surprisingly urging you to divulge more gossip.

You can't help but smirk as the group leans forward intently.

"Robin Williams?" you tease as their eyebrows all raise.

"Horrible tipper, but he makes up for it by performing dirty puppet shows with the napkins."

"Sounds about right," funnyman Brad Hall confirms, offering you another drink.

You politely decline, determined to keep your wits about you this evening. "I'm gonna go grab some water. Anyone want anything?"

The group shakes their heads, but Lawrence jumps up to join you on your trek to the crowded bar.

"Wouldn't it be insane if this was us one day?" he exclaims as you weave your way through the mass of bodies littering the Capitol Grill. 

You smile up at him, "Dream big, buddy."

"Oh, I intend to," he confirms you as you spot Eddie and Rich waving you over from a spot at the bar. 

Rich promptly wraps his arm around your shoulders as you join them. He always had a stoic way of letting you know he saw through the cracks in your poorly constructed armor. Taking the role of a caring older brother, more so than your own.

"Have we lost Steve again?" Lawrence asks the group.

Eddie nods across the room. "He's exactly where you think he'd be," he scoffs as you catch a glimpse of Steve, trailing Freddie like a lost puppy.

"Um, excuse me?" a short girl mumbles from behind Eddies' denim-clad shoulder. He turns, glancing down.

"Hiya," he regards her casually, causing her a deep blush to creep across her cheeks. She shoves a napkin and pen at him.

"C-could I get an autograph? Please?"

Eddie smirks at her flustered appearance, making sure to brush her fingers as he grabs the items out of her trembling hand.

"And what beautiful name should I be making this out to?"

She lets out a jarring high pitched giggle as she stumbles over her words. "Oh, uh, Shelley."

"Well, here ya go, Shelley," he hands the napkin back to her, now adorned with his messy scrawl. "Maybe I'll see you later."

She squeaks as she hurries back to her shrieking friends who are huddled conspicuously off to the side.

"Gross," you state. "She's a child. Probably one of the executive's kids." 

He rolls his eyes dramatically. "Gotta keep em' interested, Bun. As the heartthrob of the group, it's my sworn duty."

"Slow your roll there, Rob Lowe," Rich interjects. "I think Y/N's giving you a run for your money in this dress."

You glance down at the Freddie approved ensemble. It was eye-catching for sure, precisely what you were going for. It's black suede straps crisscrossed strategically against your body, giving peaks of the skin underneath.

"It looks good, Bun," Rich assures you.

“Guys,” you all turn your attention to Steve, who has just joined the circle clumsily. His pupils are blown wide from his current blood alcohol content, and he sways slightly on his heels.

"I- I have something to say," he announces to the group, getting your attention. You all wait patiently as he hesitates, clearing his throat twice before lowering his voice. “I just wanted to tell you that I’m gay.”

You glance around to the other boys whose expressions mirror your own warm smile. You’d all known Steve was gay since high school, not that any of you had talked about it. You had just assumed it was something unspoken. That he’d tell you whenever he was ready or met someone good enough to introduce to you all.

Steve gapes at your expressions. "Where is the shock? I was expecting shock and awe, people!"

"Steve, please don’t take this the wrong way. But I’m assuming we’ve all known for a while," Rich says gently. You all nod lightly in agreement.

"How?"

"Do you remember the types of girls who used to throw themselves at you? Like Becky Whale? Man, I would’ve killed for Becky Whale to throw something at me. But you never took them up on it," Lawrence elaborates.

Steve smiles around at all of you, his shoulders visibly relaxing.

“I had a crush on Eddie in high school,” he confesses.

Eddie pumps his fist lightly. “Fuck yeah.”

“Oh, c’mon!” Lawrence exclaims. “You just had to boost that ego, didn’t ya? I know pretty boys are great and all, but I’m the one with the big soft cuddles. People love big soft cuddles!”

Rich expands his arms as he brings you all in for a hug. 

You kiss Steve gently on the cheek. “I’m proud of you, bud,” you whisper.

"Thank you guys, I just felt like it was time. And now that that's out of the way," Steve grunts as you all untangle yourselves. “I’m gonna go find Freddie. He said he’s taking me out to a club after this!”

He skips away with a grin, back towards Freddie, who catches your eye with a knowing smile and winks. It seems you weren’t the only band member who had found a fairy godmother in Mr. Mercury.

You all lightly laugh affectionately at your friend until Eddie and Lawrence wander off to scope out the food situation. You lean against the bar next to Rich, glancing around at the loud laughter erupting from the outgoing crowd. One person noticeably sticks out. A sullen John Deacon sits at the end of the bar, hunched over what looks like a glass of whiskey.

"Looks like he's in need of a friend," Rich surmises.

You tear your eyes away from the sorry sight to look at him. "They're around here somewhere," you shrug.

He rubs your arms up and down lightly before slinking into the crowd, knowingly leaving you alone. 

You sneak a peek over at John. He runs one hand through his curls as the other absentmindedly stirs the straw of his sweating drink. You watch him sigh, bringing the glass to his lips and gulping down the spirit without so much as a wince. 

Hesitantly making your way over to him, you rub your clammy hands over the expensive material of your dress. This is the opposite of avoidance, you scold yourself, silently willing your feet to change direction. But your willpower has seemingly left the building.

You carefully perch yourself on the stool next to his, as not to disturb his brooding. He glances over quickly, doing a double-take when he realizes who it is.

"Oh, hello there," he greets you with a small smile. "I didn't know you had arrived."

You nod your head lightly. "How could you? It seems you set up camp over here."

"Ah, yes," he breathes, straightening his posture. "Wasn't our best tonight, I'm afraid. Not much to celebrate."

You take a sip of your water as you continue to nod silently.

"Actually," he begins, angling his body towards yours, almost slipping off his stool as you notice his apparent intoxication. "I was thinking about that conversation we had. When I met your spritely grandfather."

"Oh?" you question. Keeping your face neutral even though your heart was already buzzing at the fact.

"Yes. Mostly about how naive I was—all that bloody nonsense about finding a home. Do me a favor and never take my advice, will you? You'll end up completely wrecking yours."

This was a bad idea.

"It's just- you draw these lines for yourself in the sand," he drawls, waving his hands about in front of him. "A stupid phrase, really. Where did it even come from?"

"The Bible," you tell him quietly.

He lets out a big sigh, rolling his head back to stare at the ceiling.

"Well, it's gotten it wrong before, hasn't it?"

You simply hum an acknowledgment, too scared to probe for fear of where this was going.

"Anyway, you draw these lines. Moral, physical, promises you make to yourself, things you swear you’d never do, dreams to accomplish," he lists out. "But sand moves about, dunnit? It blows all over the place. Makes a mess. Gets in your sandwich. And those lines blur. Or fade away. And all of a sudden, you've crossed them without even knowing! Broken those promises. Skipped right over those dreams."

He's too far gone in his rant to register the growing panic sweeping across your features.

"You were right. Sometimes you look in the mirror, and it's just a complete stranger staring back at you, isn't it?"

Trying to keep your breathing steady, you stare at the crumbling man before you. He runs his large hands along his face before ducking back into his former position, signaling for the bartender to bring him another drink.

This is precisely why you should've stuck to your original plan. What were you supposed to say to the man who was so obviously hurting from his failed marriage? So much so that it was pouring out of him. You know that if it weren't for the alcohol, he wouldn't be confiding any of this to you.

But there was a reason the boys called you the mom of the group, and it wasn't because you were the only female. You feel a pang of need to comfort him. You gaze at him, not with pity, but an overwhelming sense of empathy for the man and make up your mind.

You clear your throat to answer, brushing away your own warnings about how it would only sink you deeper into your fascination with him.

"I was wrong, actually," you start as he brings his head up to look at you. "And you know what phrase I hate? That people don't change."

He furrows his brow but remains silent as you continue.

"Maybe we're not made up of lines in the sand. Maybe we're the wind?" You try not to cringe at yourself and your poor use of metaphor. "And winds sometimes blow in different directions... but that's okay because it's where life is supposed to take them." Falling silent, you decide to quit while you’re ahead. 

You're not ahead. You're not even out of the gate. What the fuck was that?

A slow smile inches onto his face as he holds your stare. "How did you get so wise for someone your age," he teases.

"And what age would that be?"

His mouth opens and closes as he studies your face. "Twenty?"

"Mm, close. Twenty-four."

"Really?" he ponders. "Freddie mentioned you dropped out of university."

"Ah, yes. The university I could only go to after working to afford it," you explain. 

He continues to stare, the look in his eyes shifting slightly as he takes you in. A look that matches the color and intensity of uncharted, open water. You need to get out of here.

"Well, that explains your extraordinary use of analogy then."

Dragging your eyes off of his, you glance around at the party you were missing. Gladly missing, unfortunately. 

"I should go check on Steve. He's having a bit of a night," you tell him as you stand. "Try not to drown yourself in those," gesturing to the new glass of whiskey in front of him.

"How can I drown myself? I thought I was the wind," he points out with a grin.

Before any more banter can ensue, you simply smile and make your way back to your friends. Thinking to yourself that maybe lines in the sand weren't so bad. And that perhaps it was time for you to start drawing some of your own.

[whenwegounnoticed]

My Turn To Talk About VioletVineyard, MVCreates, and the Glaring Problems of Power Imbalances.

Introduction

I have been on the fence about talking about my experiences, on one hand, because one of her mods and I are or maybe were (?) friends, and I valued their friendship but in recent light, I don’t know and because I want my main to be a safe place for other writeblrs and because I am afraid.

I was in VioletVineyard at the beginning of it -- and being in it did not feel good for reasons I could never put my finger on.

Let's talk about me and who I am first without giving myself away:

I have a disorder that makes expressing myself difficult, this is due to childhood trauma and a form of self preservation. My wording will be clunky because only recently, with the help of amazing friends, I'm learning the right verbage.

Now. Some of you will know who I am. Hello. Please keep me anonymous. Some of you might have a guess. Hello. Surprised? Maybe you're wrong. I don't know, I'm not in your head just as you're not in mine.

I have screenshots for some stuff and none for others. These are all personal experiences.

I will not be sharing the screenshots of those who were victims to respect their privacy.

Please bear with me. I know this will be long and rambly, but it’s how I make sense of my thoughts and brain.

VioletVineyard: Questionable Reality

I joined VV at the start of it, although it was already pretty big. I was excited! I admired many writeblrs who were in there and wanted to be friends with many of them. They were all so welcoming. And I felt, for a hot minute, like I belonged.

It was sprint of my freshman semester as a journalism major, and Mina reached out to me in the general chat, saying that if I needed help or wanted an In at some journalism company, to let her know because she knows people.

Great! Cool. A little odd but that was nice of her -- and.

That's how it starts.

A side: my friend has a theory that if people only present how perfect and amazingly nice they are, they likely are rotting on the inside. Nobody is ever perfect and always super nice, do not trust them. I do not subscribe to this but it is a thought in my mind now.

It took a week of me being there for the not right feeling set in.

First:

There was drama.

She would start it. She'd vague in the vent about someone and then outright state who she was talking about. And it would be about someone whose opinions she disagreed with. People would go and send anons or they'd bitch about whoever was the victim in the vent channel.

I don't remember if I participated but if I did, I am truly and genuinely sorry.

I think I got stressed two weeks in. I was already ill from invisible physical problems. The server felt horribly unmoderated.

I remember saying something because Mina was doing it again and being told,

"Then support in here."

Mostly innocent right? You support your friends, right?

It wouldn't have been a problem if:

The victim did something wrong.

Mina and this person weren't in their goddamn 30s or near that. They have a child, by the way.

The person was at least under 20.

From my scattered memory, the issue was OP either slightly vagued abt Mina or she just disgreed with OP.

Lots of red flags, right?

"But OP why did you stay?"

Emotional masochism? Fear? Because she, either knowingly or unknowingly cultivated this sort of atmosphere? I cannot speak for anyone else, but that's the reasoning for me.

There was, also, in the beginning, a hope that maybe things would change. Varying personalities, you know? And a desperate need for validation.

So, so wrong.

MVCreates & OP

So, get to the point OP. What happened to you?

A vague threat.

Mina....had Opinions. And opinions are just that, opinions but for her, they were fact. After all, she has her own reality and own story that helped form hers but some of hers were odd. Maybe not to most people who aren’t paying attention or didn’t notice the red flags ( “through rose colored glasses, all red flags just look like flags”) but they were definitely something.

She, for awhile, talked an awful lot about writeblr positivity. I could never really make sense of it -- she either supported it or was against it, from what I remember. (keep in mind, this was a little over a year ago and visually, I can see the gaudy green - red - yellow colors for pronoun preferences).

And I made a vague post about it and her. A few times. I was in the wrong for vaguing about her instead of just saying something up front.

Her response was, and I will paraphrase,

“Do you ever screenshot people vaguing about you just in case they enter a political career?”

I wish I had taken a screenshot. I’m sorry now that I did not. Maybe someone saw that, maybe they brushed it off. I don’t know.

From then on, I kept quiet about my thoughts and opinions because I did have plans to go into a political career -- but jokes on her, I plan on being a human rights officer for the United Nations lmao

Another incident (we’re almost done, I promise):

I was -- venting about gender dysphoria. I was Peak Suicidal at this point in time, just knowing what I was born with brought me to tears frequently. Mina had jumped into in the conversation and started talking about something vaguely related. She started talking about trans BIPOC experiences, which is great! Their experiences are things that need to be talked about because they are often thrown to the side for trans white people’s experiences and that is not okay.

I forget the middle part, it’s been over a year. It went from BIPOC experiences to something else, a conversation about gender? I don’t know. Maybe there’s someone out there who remembers. I doubt it though.

I remember saying, “I wish I would have been born with testicles and everything else because [I’m in hell?]” and she answered with,

“That would [mean / cause / ???? ] privilege.”

This person who has claimed she is non binary, claimed to be a trans ally and part of the trans community, said that to someone in the height of dysphoria and was suicidal.

You do not say that to someone who is experiencing gender dysphoria. To say that is transphobia. And yes, trans & non binary people can be transphobic. You are not exempt.

Violet Vineyard & Reprehensible Behaviors

Before I start this section, and I promise this is almost done, I just want to thank:

@radley-writes​, @gingerly-writing​, @lilquill​, @sapiencenotes​  @rrrawrf-writes​ & many more who have come forward about their experiences, whether publicly and in private. It’s admirable and brave of you to do something I could not. @nuwuhorizons​ & @time-to-write-and-suffer​ have amazing documentation as well.

There isn’t much to say that hasn’t already been said and documented, but I can corroborate the bullying Mina and the mods engaged in -- the stuff Radley spoke about I did not know about -- and that makes me ill. I’m glad they owned up to what they did, and for that, thank you Radley. It shows you are a much bigger and better person.

I will not lie, however -- I was hurt and felt a bit ill when you talked about what the mods did. And it made me question and second guess a friendship I have (had?) with another mod. But I think that helped put some pieces of the puzzle together.

 An incident that stands out to me (and honestly bothers me, so a few people have heard about this often and I’m sorry), very clearly and I have screenshots for but will not share to protect their privacy, was when they dogpiled someone who had been asking about writing a Jewish character. While they were falling into somewhat harmful stereotypes, VV was handling it.

Not well.

The person was a minor, for one -- teenagers make mistakes, they make them more if they’re not exposed to varying cultures and beliefs. And the person who was on the receiving end of this dogpile looked to be coming more and more unstable and all I could do is just. Grab screenshots of what I could.

And if you’re reading this, you know who you are, I am so sorry I didn’t say anything. That wasn’t right, the entire situation wasn’t okay. You shouldn’t have gone through that. I hope you find healing and peace.

A quick disclaimer: Violet Vineyard, as far as I know, didn’t have a lot of Jewish members. I know a mod was converting (but hadn’t yet) and I think I saw one or two people with the Star of David in their name or icon. That said, my paternal grandmother was Jewish and had been one of the few survivors of her family from the Holocaust. I cannot speak for the entire Jewish population, and I do not consider myself Jewish in religion but trust me when I say this:

YHWH would be disappointed in their (VV’s) behavior -- and if the moderator who is working on converting is genuine about converting, then I need them to think long and hard  about what is happening. This isn’t what Judaism teaches. And if you’re reading this, ask yourself, would G-d condone the actions of your fellow ex mods?

Final Words

Oof, this was long, wasn’t it? Must have been hard to sit through because I ramble! So. What’s left for me to say?

Not a whole lot but still, a lot but the stuff I want to say are not my lived experiences. It is not my place to speak on behalf of anyone else involved in all of this. And that is okay.

But to the people who were involved with the recent drama and dogpiled a trans teenager and to those who helped bully many people in this community on behalf of the oh so great Mina,

my question is  why?

What was a thirty year old woman, WHO HAS A CHILD, bullying a nineteen year old? Why was an almost thirty year old person with a toddler and one on the way involved in this as well?

Most or a decent handful of you were adults, some with children, some expecting. 

And Mina,

You used your age and position to manipulate people and for that, I find you the most reprehensible. Castor did not deserve what happened, neither did the victim mentioned above. Nobody did. 

I hope, in the end, you finally find happiness without having to lie about your talent and without having to manipulate people.

Thank you for listening and sticking around if you made it this far and didn’t bounce in the beginning.

I’ve said my part. If anyone wants to engage in constructive discussion or share their experiences, feel free to do so.

[tracelessrp]

YONA GREENSPAN is a 21 year old FEMALE WEREWOLF, who looks a lot like SARA WAISGLASS. YONA spends time at Traceless because HER PACK IS THERE AND SHE LOVES OPEN MIC NIGHTS AT THE CAFE. SHE is known for BEING AN EXCITABLE WEREWOLF AND BANGING OUT THE TUNES.

Hometown: Nyack, New York Current Residence: Traceless Special Abilities: Yona is a werewolf, and fairly standard as it comes to abilities. Even when not shifted, she is faster and stronger than she looks, and has particularly good stamina. She has relatively good control over her shifts, and only starts to wolf out when she is really excited.

It does not seem like she has any other special abilities due to being a werewolf. However, she is moderately convinced that if she keeps trying to test out various powers, she will find another one out. She has a list of options that she has eliminated.

Apart from the supernatural stuff, Yona enjoys and has an ear for music. Her aunt and uncle put her into piano lessons when she was little, and she spent a lot of time practicing. She can pick up a guitar and get some chords down, but she doesn’t really like it as much as keys and singing. It can be difficult to get her to stop singing, and she isn’t very quiet about it.

Character Background:

tw: death, death of a mother, neglect of child

Arielle Greenspan had a one night stand after a night out with a friend of an acquaintance, and promptly put it out of mind until she realized that she was pregnant two months later. Arielle decided having a baby would be a great idea, and proceeded to get fully into baby fever. Playing it by ear, Arielle had her little girl, and shifted most of her work to home. Arielle’s younger brother Joey, completely bewildered by the concept of children, asked bluntly if the dad was in the picture. The answer was no, and Joey did not get much more information out of his sister than that.

As for the child, she had a pleasant early childhood. While Yona would color within the lines, she had an odd way of doing it. Yona wasn’t stupid, but she never had the finest grasp on common sense. She was an affectionate, exuberant little girl who she loved following her mom around, leading her Uncle Joey to call her a duckling. Joey enjoyed being the fun uncle, but he had never imagined that he would need to be anything more than that. ‘Godfather’ was supposed to just be a formality- a title to say that you wanted to be there in the kid’s life, right? He never seriously considered that he would have to lose his older sister so soon.

Joey had literally just gotten married three months ago, and had been looking forward to child-free adventures with his wife Genevieve for the foreseeable future. And now he had to worry about a kid who couldn’t be trusted not to put a fork in the electrical outlet? He seriously considered what would happen if he put up his six year old niece for adoption, but after Arielle’s funeral, Yona pouted and wouldn’t let go of his hand for two hours, so he had to keep her. Surely he could still get to go on his adventures as long as he found a good babysitter.

Yona’s childhood and adolescence were a little odd. She was always left under the care of somebody when Joey and Gen got the traveling itch, but those were often eccentric friends that were clueless about what to do with a kid. Sometimes her aunt and uncle brought her along on their adventures, and she was left to roam around European cities untethered. Joey and Gen read exactly zero parenting resources, and they were proud of it. Most nine year olds don’t receive a vibrator for their birthday without explanation, for example.

As sex-positive an environment as the Greenspan home was, Yona was left to the mercy of the American sex education program for any actual guidance. Twelve year old Yona, brimming with questions, asked the teacher if it was normal for girls going through puberty to “grow hair in weird places, feel really emotional all of a sudden, and have your body start to change?” After vehement reassurance that of course this was normal along with some arcane-looking diagrams of the human body, it took Yona three months to realize that it was in fact not normal to change into an entire wolf once a month. Her uncle and aunt agreed that this was very weird, but Gen had always been really into learning about the paranormal and mythology in general. After taking Yona to several obviously fake psychics and to meet up with some guy on Craigslist that sincerely believed that he was a werewolf but definitely wasn’t, Gen had almost given up hope.

On a trip when she was thirteen, Yona started talking randomly to a lady in a pie shop (she loved chatting with strangers and her aunt and uncle rarely stopped her).. and the woman happened to be another werewolf. Since werewolves had a good sense of smell in identifying their own kind and other supernatural species, the stranger lady asked Yona some tentative questions. Latching immediately onto this random woman she had just met (she said her name was HJ), she had a very informational and oddly calming conversation. Only after sharing more information than you should probably share with an adult stranger and promises from HJ for help finding a pack in New York agreed to join her very first pack did she grab her Aunt Gen. Unfortunately, HJ didn’t live in New York, so Yona had to join a pack with a whole bunch of strangers instead of her chill new adult friend. And the new pack was pretty nice. Yona thought that being part of a pack was way better than having to deal with the painful shifts on her own in the backyard.

Getting to join her own secret grown-up pack prompted Yona to start acting out more. She stayed out late, threw parties at the house when her aunt and uncle weren’t home, and pulled some truly epic pranks. The weirdest part was that Joey and Gen didn’t seem to notice or care. She would skip school sometimes and nobody at home would even mention it. All she wanted was to be noticed. She played up how much alcohol and drugs she was doing (basically nothing), and her aunt and uncle completely ignored it. She tried sleeping with some okay boy at her school when she was sixteen, but felt gross afterward and decided for once maybe she didn’t want every speck of attention she could get. She had been planning on telling her aunt matter-of-factly about that, but decided to keep at least that much to herself. It took Yona a full year to figure out that oh, she was interested in girls instead. Something about telling a pretty girl that she painfully turned into a big gray wolf every month made her feel insecure. It didn’t help that Yona found herself absolutely infatuated with just about every woman she met. Some crushes were deeper than others, but her feelings always felt real, exciting, and devastatingly painful. From her perspective, love was both brutal and amazing, and she wanted nothing more than to find it- even if it hurt. Still, it took Yona another year to admit out loud that she was gay (so gay), and desperate. What really pissed her off was when she came out to her uncle and aunt, only for Joey to reply with a casual, “Yeah, we’ve known since you were twelve.” Well it would have helped if someone had given her a hint!

Yona moved out of her aunt and uncle’s as soon as she had her high school diploma under her belt, and tried to figure out what she wanted to do with herself. Apparently, her mom had been on track to be some sort of superstar consultant. Most of the estate was funneled into a trust set up for Yona. Uncle Joey had told her he couldn’t figure out how any of that money stuff worked, and had done what the financial advisor guy who was in charge of the trust told him to do with the money. Yona didn’t feel like a trust fund baby or anything, but it was nice to know that even if she messed up, her mom had wanted to make sure she was okay. A lot of the time, Yona wondered if her mom would have been proud of her.

After moving out, Yona left her New York pack on good terms, and bought a motorcycle. Her aunt had shown her how to ride (it had only led to two near-wrecks), and this seemed more cinematic than buying a junker car that stood a chance of breaking down to drive across the country. She had been accepted at a couple of colleges (she’d kept her grades up well enough in spite of everything), but did not feel strongly about going to school when she felt weirdly stuck. Her aunt and uncle had never felt like parents, and she fantasized about discovering herself out west. Riding across the country (and getting hella lost in South Dakota… how was she supposed to keep the two Dakotas straight?) was a formative experience. It was a good thing that she had werewolf strength and instincts because Yona did not get any less naïve through this experience. 

Eventually, she wound up in Seattle, which Yona thought was a bit like New York through a puddle. She didn’t really know if she even liked Seattle (mostly she just didn’t get it), but she did learn that there was a super cool-seeming café that catered to people like her. Or, well, werewolves plus a whole bunch of other species that Yona had not given a thought further than “they exist” to. For some reason, the café people wouldn’t let her bring her motorcycle into the shop so that she could have it on the other side of… well, wherever she wanted to take it. Anyway, Yona decided that she liked Traceless pretty well, and also really liked the idea of getting in on those open mic nights. Traceless was a lot better than trying to get lost somewhere even more frustrating than the Dakotas, so she stuck around. She enrolled in college, and half by-accident joined a new pack. It was great! She got to see HJ again and actually be in a pack with her. A lot of the Bonfire Pack lived in a cluster of houses in Traceless, and Yona enthusiastically moved in one with HJ. To anyone that asked, HJ was her aunt, but they were also not related in any way. Her new pack was a lot more dysfunctional and much less organized than her first pack, but Yona liked it better that way. After about four years in Traceless, she was one term away from graduating in the fall term, and not sure what she planned to do with herself apart from pitching in around the pack’s camp.

(ooc: lisa, 29, she/her, pacific)

[singeramg]

Finding Forever: Chapter 1

Pairing: Henry Cavill/Black Original Character

Rating: Explict/ M/ Whatever...will be smut later on. 

Warnings: Cursing, eventual smut, some angst, more tags to come as we get into this. 

Summary: Aura Camilla an actress who has just landed her first lead role opposite Henry Cavill. This story follows her as she tries to navigate her fast developing feelings for her costar. 

A/N: Welcome everyone, so this is my first time attempting to write anything involving Henry Cavill, so y'all bare with me and be nice (Please) Also blame The Witcher for this sudden interest. . I hope you guys will like it and I promise it will get better as we go along. I don’t have any idea of how long this will be. I welcome comments and suggestions.

  Chapter 1: All this Love

“I have everything I need ummm....I think.”

I said to my best friend Mia who was laying across my bed, her hair a black/ white/grey ombré dreads that reached the middle of her back of her chestnut frame. She was mindless playing with one of the furry ivory pillows I had on my bed. 

“Well Aura considering you’ve packed and repacked that bag several times I highly doubt you forgot anything. Shit I’m quite sure you’ve packed the entirety of your room.”

She said with a smirk, then went back to scrolling on her phone. I laughed, flipping her off, and zipping my bag closed. 

“Are you ready to drive me to the airport?”

“The real question is are you ready to go?”

She said getting up from my bed and sliding into her shoes. 

“Come bring your ass on...”

I said with a laugh, hauling my suitcase off of bed and out of my room in our shared apartment...

 ⭐️*** 

To say I was nervous was an understatement. I had just checked into my room on location for the movie I had just landed. I had done some parts in television and movies, supporting characters. This would be the first time I played a lead, it was a romantic comedy. All set around a neurotic late 20 something named Anya Novak that spent her life doing everything for everyone else but never going after what she wants. Her job merges with another and in enters the new guy Carson Wyatt who rubs her the wrong way when they first meet and even more so when she figures out he is her new neighbor. 

I could handle the role, I was certain of that but I was nervous because I hadn’t met anyone from the cast yet. The filming schedule was coming off the heels of filming a big movie for not only the directors but for my co-star Henry Cavill. I had been surprised when they said he would be joining the cast as this type of movie didn’t seem like his type that he would be in. It had very little action and a lot of comedic timing. I was nervous that he and I would not get along at all and make this filming unbearable. We were due to start filming in a day or so but tonight we were set to all meet and have dinner. 

I unpacked my clothes and now found myself standing in front of my closet much like I would at home, except now I didn’t have Mia to help me choose. I would settle for FaceTime.

“ It’s Mia the Mua of your dreams.”

“Yeah my nightmares too. Best friend I need help and I need it fast. Cast dinner in two hours with no clue and what to put on out of all the shit you packed me to wear.”

“Where is the dinner?”

“ Small gastropub, nothing too fancy but I want to make a good impression.”

“Yeah maybe on that foine ass co-star of yours.”

“Mi let’s not go there.”

“You need to let him go there with your uptight ass. Been moving around here for months, working too hard with no play. Especially since Jamal.”

“Ugh, god you said the name. I thought we agreed that name was dead.”

“ I agreed not to beat his ass for that shit he pulled, but that’s all. Now onto what you called for. Dark wash jeans, white and black sheer top, black heels. Light on the makeup, soft curls on the hair.”

“Remind me again why you couldn’t come with me.”

“I might style you in my free time but unlike you my jetsetting darling I still have to deal with my lazy ass ultra extra Ulta manager. At least until you need me full time.”

“But I do this is the problem. I told you to get on the plane with me but no. You didn’t.”

“I’m working on it, you know my manager asked me to hold off on my leave until she came back from vacation. Look don’t worry about me I’ll be there is two weeks you can survive two weeks before I arrive,  just get dressed, go make some friends, and relax because I know you are freaking out and doing yourself a disservice. Remember our saying...”

“Beautiful is who you are not what you are.”

Mia and I repeated at the same time as we had since middle school. In a school where the people didn’t look like us with Mia’s cinnamon tone and my sienna color paired with braids and thick dark hair, didn’t make us popular in a world of blonde hair and blue eyes. We made due as we got older, at 25 we kept that motto as a reminder to love ourselves no matter what.

“Aura go out there and make those people love as much as I do.” 

I sniffed back a few tears and felt grateful for the type of friend I had.

“Thank you Mia.”

“Always. Now I gotta go. I was supposed to be at work ten minutes ago.”

We laughed and hung up...

⭐️Later

I dressed in what Mia said to put on, stepping from the cab, grateful for us filming in the springtime in Canada, despite the nighttime, the air was moderate. The restaurant was lit in a dim light but bright enough to see the faces. I stepped in and the hostess upon hearing the name of the party I was with smile brightened up and walked me to a secluded room to the back of the restaurant. As soon as I entered the directors Marshall and Anne a married couple for whom this was a passion project. We instantly clicked during my audition and subsequent talking they were really nice to me.

“Aura! I’m glad you made it!”

Anne said standing and pulling me into hug, Marshall following shortly after. 

“Yes please come in, have a seat. There’s an open seat left next to Henry.”

I smiled and looked to the room where all the men stood on my arrival as custom dictated, and my eyes landed on the 6’1 dark haired gentleman I had been anxious to meet. Marshall walked me to the other side of the table where Henry was standing.

“Henry meet your co-star Aura Camilla. Aura please meet Henry Cavill.”

He had a look on his face that I honestly couldn’t place, but once Marshall made introductions a wide grin broke across his face, and he offered a hand out to me. I took it and we shook, with him seeming to stare at my face my hazel eyes locking with his blue. 

“Pleasure to meet you Henry. Big fan of your work.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you as well Aura. I’m excited to be working with you as well.”

It was then that I guess he realized he was still holding my hand and he let go quickly only to pull out my chair, nervously, actually tripping over the edge of the chair slightly but not falling. The cool persona he had to world, out the window for a split moment, but that was okay because I liked it...

*The next day* 

I was sitting in the make-up artist chair, as they worked to make me look as scripted for our first scene. I was going over my lines when I heard the door to the trailer opened and closed, the next to me groaning under the new weight in it. I smiled when I realized who was now occupying the chair.

“Good morning Aura. Sleep well I hope?”

Henry looked fresh, wearing sweatpants and a black zipped-up hoodie. No product in his hair, and freshly shaved as opposed to the light stubble he sported yesterday night. Honestly we got along really well, which was a relief in terms of working. We actually vibed during our talking last night. He was a breath of fresh air in this industry to have a conversation with a man who wasn’t talking to my boobs.  We just laughed and joked most of the night, leaving off with him agreeing to help me out in the gym, I also think I left feeling like my soft admiration for a man I didn’t know to a man I kinda knew to a real world potential crush that could crush me and I wasn’t sure I was ready for it.

So now here I was sitting next to a man that I was attracted to. I could smell the trouble brewing.

“Yes, I did. It’s always a little difficult getting used to sleeping in a bed that’s not my own.”

“I have the same problem. Takes me a few days to adjust to the time change and a different bed. I am usually up all night until then despite being tired from a long day. I find that working out helps me get back on track, if not watch some television.”

“Yeah I’m more the type to watch TV or a movie and I’m out like a light. Thank god we don’t have a super early call time for the first couple of weeks.” 

“You ready to go out there and hate my guts on screen?”

“Sure, as long as you are ready to hate mine.”

“I am going to have to put my acting skills to the test. This would be easier if you were a horrible person.”

“Excuse me for not being a drag on your life Cavill. I think this would be easier for me too if you hadn’t endeared me to your dog and told me about your terrible bullying experience. I can’t actually hate you now.”

We laughed along with those in the trailer and as I was ushered into wardrobe I had to cut off those butterflies in my stomach and focus on doing my job....

A/n: So tell me what you think? If you want to read more let me know. Thank you for taking the time to read this little piece of crap I managed lol

[hyssopandbee]

I shared quite a few plants this year, as we’d become overwhelmed with pots upon pots of things that just weren’t going in the ground. It’s made people happy! Then, I shared the pots, and those made people happy, too.

After reading Marie Kondo’s work, and most recently Fumio Sasaki, there does come a point where things stress us out, and gardening is really no different. If anyone’s curious, I did downsize my own collection of Things significantly by marrying the two approaches! Maybe you’ll read something useful.

I make no claim to universal wisdom, and am not a mental health professional. Inevitably in conversations on downsizing and material possessions, people (myself included) say “but what about [this type of person]? What about people in [this situation]?” I can’t speak to every person in every situation and won’t try. Maybe you’ll find my experiences and perspectives useful, maybe they’ll help you realize what does work for you!

For context, Marie Kondo is an advocate for keeping only what is useful and makes you happy, and organizing those things pleasantly, while Fumio Sasaki is a minimalist who believes in discarding so we may be more present and less ruled by the material. I picked and chose what spoke to me and sprinkled them in below.

So let’s dive in.

Why We Accumulate

I’ve found that people keep things for much the same reasons as inside the house. 

“You never know” - The idea that it might be useful in the future, and there will be regret in having let it go

Twofold: It might be too expensive or a financial waste if it needs to be repurchased in the future (don’t we know that tree pots can be strangely expensive)

They don’t want plastic and other waste entering a landfill, especially if they don’t have a comprehensive municipal garbage or recycling program, or no access to commercial businesses with recycling programs

Guilt stops people from getting rid of things when they have no control over what happens afterwards

There is nostalgia or sentimental value, which is highly subjective

People like the clutter

Sasaki would ask us to consider if we’re trying to project an image, if we want others to see us as the Instagram-able, aesthetically-pleasing gardener with stacked terra-cotta pots and trowels stuck here and there. If that makes you happy, great! If it stresses you out, let go of the image.

It’s too much and has become overwhelming, to the point where no one wants to deal with it

especially if there are bugs and critters involved

“Someday” - Someday I’ll fix the broken wheelbarrow, someday I’ll piece together that broken pot, someday I’ll craft something really cool from all this...

It piles up for one reason or another. I significantly downsized a lot of clutter in the yard simply by joining online community groups and dropping things off at a thrift store... and throwing things away.

This did not happen all at once or in one day! It was a gradual, day-by-day process that eventually yielded results. Every bit counts!

Community Groups

I joined a Buy Nothing group. This is dangerous, as it will show you what other people are giving away, so I don’t recommend if you’re prone to acquiring. The other option is a local gardening group. Either way, you can post pictures and have people private message you addresses and whatnot. There’s a degree of trust you have to have with people, which is why I recommend finding small, private groups with moderators.

I decided that first, I had too many plants. I brought everything that I wanted to part with together, assessed conditions, pulled weeds, and placed them on a table at the front of my yard. I posted this to one of my private groups with an address, saying, free plants! Mostly stressed, need tlc! Made sure they were labelled, that the table was easily accessible, and had a socially-distant free plant day. (You can also post a disclaimer or whatever you feel you need to protect yourself should someone have an accident or get weird about free plants.)

This was also prime opportunity to get rid of decorative pots, plastic pots, plant stakes, and anything else that people might want while making a garden. Marie Kondo would tell you to bring everything of the same type together, and make a judgement call one by one. If you can manage that, great! Personally I looked at a section of my garage and said, what do I need from this section? What can I reasonably fit on that table? What is in good condition that another person can use?

And let me tell you, my offerings went. People love free things, and one person’s trash is another’s treasure. I restocked throughout the day, getting rid of a surprising number of extras and have no regrets. (I also deleted my posts when I was done so no address or personal information stayed unattended on the page.)

That was one day of people coming out. I did this a few times until I was down to only to plants I wanted. And, I was able to better assess where they could go as I could pay better attention to what I had. This also helped me alleviate guilt when I inevitably started finding more seedlings to pot, knowing that I had a venue to give them away.

The next step with these groups? Extra bricks left over from a patio project years ago. We’ve been moving them around, tucking them away here and there, and finally I said “these need to go.” 5 years of shifting things around? They’re not being used. No project is being done with them. Anything I do find use for will stay, but the rest? Nope!

It was much the same: I stacked bricks at the curb, posted a picture, and away they went. 

Thrift Stores

If you don’t want the fuss of managing a table, joining groups, giving your address, or meeting people, look at what you have that is clean, in good condition, and that another person would be happy to buy. Know the standards of your thrift store. I know that my local store would take clean glazed pots, indoor decorative pots, garden statuary and accessories, furniture... Probably not crusted terra cotta or anything else that is well-used and caked with dirt. Also, consider the workers! Do you want them dealing with that?

Local Community Organizations

You might have people who maintain public property, schools, or do other volunteer work who need the supplies! A quick email can help them out immensely. You might also have volunteers in those aforementioned groups, so, win win!

Throwing Away

Look, I know we’re all hyperaware of the impact plastic has on the environment and the realities of our material existence, but you can’t control everything, and can only do what you can. If there’s nothing else to be done, bag up broken, old, unusable things and put them in the trash. There’s always advocacy to be done about responsible disposal, but again, don’t lose sleep, and if it really bothers you that much, start a lifestyle shift where you use supplies that don’t have that kind of environmental impact.

Organizing 

Marie Kondo would suggest stacking to minimize the amount of space these things take up, and to make a more visually appealing display. Gardening requires more practicality, I think, so there’s nothing romantic about my garage. I do, though, have pots and trays nested together by size, bags inside of bags, and my tools hung up and lined up neatly. I have drawers for odds and ends, and try to keep everything of the same type together. Keep the floor clear so you don’t trip. A lot of this is pretty intuitive! 

Maybe you want to pull everything out at once at the very beginning, and decide what should stay and what should go. Maybe you like doing things in sections. You do you. Never feel pressed to follow someone else’s directions on the “right” way to downsize.

That Sense of Control

When we become stressed by too much stuff, it’s usually because we no longer feel like we’re able to control the amount or state of what we have. This is when we need to take action. By enacting our power over the objects that have accumulated, we regain a sense of agency in our space.

With plants, we might worry that the next person won’t care for the plant like we could. For me, they already weren’t doing well because I lacked space and the time to tend to them all individually. Another person could only tip the scales one way or the other! Plants aren’t permanent anyway. Nothing is. 

We also might want to know that people really appreciate what we’re giving them, that nothing is going to waste. It’s difficult to gauge the impact something will really have, so choose your battles on that one. Maybe they use the pots, maybe they don’t, maybe the plant becomes a new family heirloom, maybe it doesn’t. You don’t know, and can only offer your generosity, which in and of itself might be a wonderful thing.

And that’s what we should focus on: the benefits of sharing and decluttering. Yeah, we might be worried about what happens next, but what is happening now? Now, I don’t have to water as much, and don’t have to be outside as long in the heat. Now, I have much more open space and have a better sense of what’s in it. Now, I have helped out community garden and urban farm groups, made some people really happy with herbs and flowers, and have helped others cut the costs of their DIY projects. That outweighs any other worries or guilt associated with letting go.

Final Thoughts

Again, I don’t pretend to have universal wisdom, but this really helped me get rid of stacks of bricks, piles of pots, rows of plants... and feel better about what was left. Empty space doesn’t have to mean a lack of something. It can be good as is, especially when we know air flow is healthy for our green spaces. Same with us!

I’ve also tried following the rule that if I welcome something into the house or the garden, I should see if I can move something else out. In the house, I acquired some books, so maybe I should see if there are books that can have a fresh start with someone else. Pushing around an object but can’t part with it yet? Make the effort to actually use it, or place it somewhere you can enjoy it. At the end of the day, if something just stresses me out, even if I like it, I don’t keep it. I don’t need an object occupying more than its physical space.

And, if your stress with clutter, organization, and letting go stems from something more complicated, it is 100% okay to reach out to a professional to help you, be it someone who specializes in mental health or home organization. I have friends with OCD, and they were able to better understand and manage their stress responses thanks to therapy. No shame!

That’s it for today! Thanks for reading!

[tillidontneedfantasy]

No. 6 Collaborations Project - Ed Sheeran: I’m not like a regular musician, I’m an Uncool™ musician.

When Ed Sheeran emerged onto the American pop scene in 2011 - 2012 as an understated solo act, he famously utilized the loop pedal in his live shows, creating the sound of a full production with just his voice and one little guitar. This is just one of the elements that made Ed Sheeran such a compelling rising star; one singer-songwriter could cast a very large shadow. 

Sheeran’s dominance over the pop scene since then and throughout the last decade is undeniable, and he really wants you to know it and acknowledge it on No. 6, as he (rightfully, but not so moderately) celebrates his musical achievements and endeavors over the years on tracks such as “Take Me Back to London” featuring Stormzy and “Remember the Name” featuring Eminem & 50 Cent. But he also doesn’t want you to forget that still, despite all of his success, *Amy Poehler from Mean Girls voice* he’s not like a regular musician, he’s an uncool musician. Travis Scott opens “Antisocial,” a well-produced but underwhelming song about Sheeran’s introversion and anxiety, by stating, “All you cool people, you better leave now,” which sounds silly coming from an artist as "in” right now as Travis Scott. This is a message Sheeran attempts to drive home even more so on the opening track “Beautiful People” featuring Khalid, where Sheeran explains how he does not quite fit in with the lifestyle of his industry. For someone who is so adamant that he remains uncool, he sure scored a heap of very cool artists to collaborate with him on this new record, even including a DJ, loop pedal be damned.

Funny enough, the song including DJ and producer Skrillex, titled “Way To Break My Heart” is one of the few that is reminiscent of Sheeran’s roots, both sonically and lyrically. While Sheeran’s singer-songwriter chops have not particularly diminished with success, they feel repetitive and at a stalemate on No. 6. Sheeran still holds his own on the strongest tracks, but the voices featured on this project are what hold them up the most.

BEST TRACK: “I Don’t Want Your Money” featuring H.E.R.

No. 6 is thematically heavy on Sheeran’s relationships with fame and with his wife, Cherry. Sheeran is generally most triumphant when he focuses on the latter, a love song master as displayed by the overwhelming success of the overly cliched “Thinking Out Loud” and “Perfect” (from x and ÷  respectively), but is most effective on this album when he integrates it with the former. On “I Don’t Want Your Money,” Sheeran outlines the strains that celebrity life put on a relationship in a way that is universally relatable, whether you’re a pop mega-superstar or an average Joe from Chicago who’s had one viral tweet. In the 2nd verse, he sings: 

“Baby I’m doing it for us, so why you taking that tone like I’m the bad guy? / I thought it would have made me better in your dad’s eyes / I’m busy stacking up the paper for the bad times / ‘cause baby, you never know / I’m popping right now, but there will come a day when I won’t.” 

No matter the lifestyle or job, anyone who has ever been a working individual in a relationship knows the struggle of a work-life balance, and the pressure when things are going well to do all you can to maintain that lucrativeness in case it all falls apart in the future; it’s a sacrifice for the sake of security. Sheeran’s awareness that his height of fame for any musician is not built to last forever is also a refreshing note of modesty. H.E.R. graciously lends her magically soothing vocals as the voice of Sheeran’s wife, assuring him that his time is much more valuable to her than his money, beautifully supported by a very sweet guitar riff. There’s a lot of horns in this song as well, which don’t necessarily fit with the theme or vibe but somehow work anyway, because horn instruments can improve almost any pop song exponentially.

WEAKEST TRACK: “1000 Nights” featuring Meek Mill & A Boogie Wit da Hoodie 

Directly following the relatability of “I Don’t Want Your Money,” Sheeran reminds us that, despite the trick he might have just played on us, we, in fact, cannot relate. Sheeran chronicles his “faded” tour ventures as he casually hops through continents on “1000 nights.” Following a recent trend of artists dismissing any criticism or opinions that are not glowing, Sheeran proclaims in the 2nd verse, “I don’t need to read reviews if you can’t do the things I do.” Although Ed Sheeran will most definitely not need to read this blog post, I hope he and his peers remember that ubiquitous success does not make anyone impervious to imperfection, and that consumers are allowed to and should continue to think critically about art. Maybe that sentiment will mean more coming from me once I tour multiple continents.

THE IN-BETWEENS

One of the strongest tracks, “Best Part of Me” featuring YEBBA, showcases Sheeran’s longstanding ability to churn out a heartfelt ballad, musically stripped back with the simplicity of his earlier work and his staple romantic prose. “Feels” featuring Young Thug and J Hus is short, sweet, and catchy, yet feels easily lost in the fray. A bit too often, Sheeran sounds out of place on his own album. On “South of the Border,” a fun track that feels slightly derivative of the mega-smash lead single “Shape of You” from ÷, Camila Cabello and Cardi B steal the show. And on the jarring yet intriguing closer, “BLOW” featuring Chris Stapleton and Bruno Mars, Sheeran’s first verse is quickly dulled by Mars’s shine. Kudos to Sheeran for gathering such talent, but when it works best, Sheeran’s in the passenger’s seat while his contemporaries are driving, making you forget who even owns the car.

BEST PROSPECTIVE SINGLE: “Put It All On Me” featuring Ella Mai.

Ella Mai is the true star of “Put It All On Me,” and the slight growl in her voice when she sings the line, “grab my waist,” is a pure knock-out. Riding off the magical spell she cast on us all with “Boo’d Up,” she can help Sheeran keep the momentum of his Cool Uncool Guy image. It’s got the perfect tempo for the radio and has “make me into a club remix” wisely written all over its DNA. 

***

As Sheeran has released his past 3 solo major studio albums, + (2011), x (2014), and  ÷ (2017) (seemingly having a thing for math), he has evolved yet always stuck to his strengths. All artists should experiment, bend genre boundaries, collaborate, and step out of their comfort zones. But No. 6 mostly makes the listener feel like Sheeran is trying to prove that hip-hop is his comfort zone and strength, as he laments “I wanna try new things, they just want me to sing / Because nobody thinks I write rhymes” on “Take Me Back to London,” apparently backtracking from the x deluxe track “Take It Back” opening assertion, “I’m not a rapper / I’m a singer with a flow.” Well, it turns out 2014 Ed was correct. Ed sounds great when he sings with a quick “flow” and sticks to what he knows. The most effective way for any artist to successively evolve is by utilizing their strengths to create something different. In the few moments on No. 6 when Sheeran does so, his spark glimmers through and we’re reminded of why all these artists jumped at the chance to work with him, though he should feel just as (if not even more) lucky. Hopefully, his next release will leave behind the numbers by subtracting a bit and return to the basic equations. Grade: 2/5

DISCLAIMER - REVIEWER’S BIAS: I have been an Ed Sheeran fan since his debut release in 2011; I remember watching a video livestream for the American release of + that only 12 other people joined. I love all of +, a majority of x (which hold, in my opinion, his 2 best songs, “I’m A Mess” and “Nina”), and very little of ÷. I was very disappointed by ÷, but still consider myself a fan. I really wanted to love No. 6 and went in with an open mind and heart, but it just felt like a conglomerate of failed crossover attempts that just didn’t do it for me. I truly believe Ed is talented and has the potential to make an album in the future that I can proudly call myself a fan of, but No. 6 doesn’t quite qualify.

[parugi]

My time in the Jedi Academy RPG community

Alternative title: How I helped destabilize four forums worth of RPG players!

So I recently started posting my first let’s play, and the game I decided to play first is Jedi Academy. My reason for going with this game was not random by any means. In some ways, I attribute many of my current set of interests and skills to it--and not for particularly great reasons. Still, I can’t deny the impact it has had on me, and I feel like it’s worth it to share the absolutely insane experience that I had in the Jedi Academy RPG community back in like, 2003 to 2005ish.

I’ll be the first to admit that some of this is going to sound... very outlandish, but I guarantee that it is all 100% true as far as I can remember it. Unfortunately, for the most part, I only have my word to share, because the forums that hosted all of the evidence for this have been either shut down or archived when InvisionFree/ZetaBoards shifted over to “Tapatalk.”

Anyway, bear with me. This is me performing a sort of self-therapy after 16 years of half-repressing the memories. I’m also not sure quite where to begin, so this might jump around a bit. Again, please bear with me.

For a bit of backstory--Jedi Academy is a Star Wars game. It’s built on a system that is very mod-friendly and possessed a rather large multiplayer community back when it first released--dozens and dozens of servers with up to something like 36 players each, many of which were always full and impossible to get into. And the mod community thrived, too--there were hundreds of downloadable maps, vehicles, character skins, even mods that changed battle stances and mechanics. It was neat.

One mod in particular was called ForceMod 3, which completely revamped the multplayer so that you could select between different classes to play instead of having just a bucket of things to choose without any nuance--from Jedi Apprentices, to Jedi Masters, to smugglers, to Imperial officers followed by Stormtrooper NPCs, even a custom Yuuzong Vong class with its own adjusted mechanics. Each came with its own number of Force points, its own designated weapons, even differences in health/shield distribution. Obviously, this made it perfect for role-playing, and more than one set of users recognized this.

I don’t know exactly when or how my brother and I discovered FM3, but at some point I logged on and noticed something different about the servers being run on it. For one, there were not as many; the most I ever saw was 8 at a time, quite different from the standard 30+ on vanilla multiplayer. More than that, there were servers designated as “RPG” servers, a term I, at the time, had never encountered before. When I first discovered this, there were only three big RPG servers:

ForceMod 3 RPG Server

((RPG_Server))

and one whose name I do not remember; it was something like Jedi Enclave

The third does not matter as much, because it only suffered from the following series of events as a side-effect of the other two causing them. But we’ll get to that.

Also of note, this list would later include [[RPG_Network]]--my server.

Keep that in mind. Its resemblance to ((RPG_Server)) is not an accident.

Also keep in mind that I was 9/10ish at the time.

So, back to the list. I saw these “RPG servers” and joined one--((RPG_Server)). It didn’t click to me that it wasn’t the same as a free-for-all server at first, but I soon realized the difference when I noticed that people weren’t just randomly going around and killing each other. They were interacting as if they were characters.

That was interesting.

Interesting, and yet I thought nothing of it.

A couple of days later, though, I decided to give it a try. And it was fun! And interesting! I got to pretend to be a Jedi instead of just playing as a Jedi! Nice! That was in ((RPG_Server)). And it was super relaxed! Basically we got to do whatever, as long as we were playing characters. It was a nice community, and it got me hooked to RPGs, which I continue to play to this day.

They also had a forum. I would later join it.

But first, I had something to learn about RPG communities: They are not all fun and games.

((RPG_Server)) was not always up; sometimes it would not appear on the list. Usually, but not always. One day it wasn’t there--but FM3RPG was. That was fine; these RPG servers were all pretty lax, right? I’d just join it and do as I do, right?

Wrong.

I joined it, I did my thing--and got pretty immediately kicked.

FM3RPG was more of an “elitist” server--they took their RPG very seriously. That meant that you couldn’t play as certain classes without approval. In fact, unless I’m remembering incorrectly, you could not join the server at all without first getting a character approved on the forum. This was not a simple process, particularly for a 9 year old. They expected an elaborate character sheet to be submitted, with a full history and details down to the character’s height and weight.

I joined the forum. I submitted a character. I didn’t get approved.

That’s fine. ((Server)) was back up, so I went there and joined the forum, and that was dandy. But that also made me not like FM3RPG, so I didn’t go back there. I did ghost their forum, though, and it became clear that they held a low opinion of ((Server)) because ((Server)) wasn’t as stringent as FM3RPG.

IMO, that was a blessing. But not everyone thought that way.

Quick side-note--FM3RPG had a specific moderator who became infamous within the community for many, many reasons. This person went by Naru. Naru was petty to the point of banning players for expressing political views that they did not agree with.

Keep Naru in mind.

I don’t have a great recollection of what all occurred in ((RPG_Server)) before everything went to shit, but I think it was mostly fine. There were a set of three mods who had created the place, and these were the only mods/admins when I joined. They were Subrerec, Mose, and I think Maverick was the third one? They would later be joined by Marrin (replacing Tarrin, who supposedly died in a car accident about a month in (and I only say supposedly because Marrin and Tarrin were... suspiciously similar people in hindsight) and Aitrus, my friend who actually was very helpful in showing me the ropes.

Later-later, they would be joined by Docco.

Oh, Docco.

Docco was actually my friend for a while. Pretty much everyone was, actually. It was a good community when I first joined. But I was not good at accepting changing times, so that didn’t last--and here’s why.

The first crack in the structure, so to speak, came from a really petty conflict. There were these official profile avatars available on the Jedi Academy website. Subrerec, Mose, and Mav all had one, as did Marrin. I liked them, so I used one. It got reverted. I thought that was weird so used it again. Mose reverted it again and gave me a warning because “Only the mods got to use those.”

Twas a very petty thing to get someone in trouble over, and it made me dislike Mose. But whatever, find a different avatar and move on.

The second crack was a certain player named Dorian Remedy. Dorian was an... immigrant of sort from FM3RPG. He had played there and then joined ((Server)). Note, however, that he didn’t leave FM3RPG, he merely also joined ((Server)).

He was also the biggest fucking prick that I have ever had the displeasure to encounter to this day.

His modus operanti was to criticize. Not in a constructive way, either, but in the rudest way possible. And I say that even with hindsight. Dorian made no effort whatsoever to come off with any sort of empathy or tact, because he didn’t care--he was the embodiment of the elitism that pervaded FM3RPG. Anyone who wasn’t interested in a more structured RPG system, he couldn’t be bothered to give the time of day to, because they were too incompetent to understand why FM3RPG’s system was superior.

I was one of those people. Because I was 9. Do I think differently now? Certainly. At the time? No. And would I act anything like he did if I were in that boat? Hell no.

The problem with Dorian was that it didn’t matter how rude he was, because the mods, particularly Mose, agreed with him and wanted to revamp ((Server)) into a lighter version of FM3RPG. That itself was not a problem, but because of it, they would not take any sort of action against Dorian regardless of how he talked to anyone. Maybe I’m exaggerating, but I feel as though that would drive anyone insane.

Dorian would cause many, many problems for me, personally, but he did not cause this particular incident that really broke the camel’s back.

At some point, I had suggested to Subrerec and Mose the introduction of the Sith into the plot. It was a surprisingly good idea for a kid, imo, and I was allowed to do it. So I created a Sith Lord and chose an apprentice. That was my friend Docco.

And that was cool. I had fun. Until I didn’t.

One night I logged on and had this really brief message from Docco and someone else whose name I don’t even remember. It basically just said, “We need you to log on ASAP.”

So I did, because I was 9 and didn’t think to ask questions.

Turns out, they were performing a Sith coup.

They killed my Sith and overthrew me and I wasn’t allowed to do anything about it. I felt hurt and angry and betrayed because they hadn’t given me any indication of what they were planning. I like to think that if they had, I would have been fine with it, but who knows? I was 9, so maybe, or maybe not. Hard to tell.

The short of it is, Dorian made fun of me, Mose didn’t care, Docco didn’t apologize, and I was pissed off. There were some players on my side and some who weren’t. What erupted after that was basically an all-out war of constant fighting and name calling and getting suspended and everything. In a matter of weeks--or maybe days? Months? Time is an abyss--the forum had gone from something great to just this cesspool of people constantly at each others’ throats.

I was mad and decided to split off and make my own forum with my brother (also involved in all of this, unfortunately) and a friend who went by Mara Jade. We made a forum called RPG: Palace of RPers (a very not-redundant name) and it lasted about a week before Mara Jade gave admin rights to Dorian, who proceeded to change everything and locked the three of us out.

So that was the second betrayal by a friend in less than two weeks. I did not talk to Mara Jade after that. And I was stuck in ((Server)) because I am not a quitter--even at 9.

Around this same time, someone else joined the forum, and this is where things went from just a singular forum issue and cross-contaminated the entire community.

FM3RPG ousted Naru. Naru’s already tenuous popularity had tanked. And why? For a couple of reasons. One, Naru was not a teen girl, as she had claimed, but a 30-something year old man. On top of that revelation, it came out that Naru had engaged in cybersex with several underage children.

So Naru was banned from FM3RPG.

Someone named Cassandra joined ((Server)).

Immediate. Chaos.

Some people figured out pretty quickly that they were the same person. Some were doubtful but said they should get a chance even if it was true. Some just did not believe it.

I was 9 and did not believe it.

I did not believe it because Cassandra was on my side in the Sith debacle and was nice to me and Dorian, Docco, and Mose did not like her so therefore I should like her.

Docco and Mose tried to convince me otherwise and I ignored them because I was mad at them about my Sith. Dorian continued to make fun of me.

More and more people were starting to catch on, though, and at some point it was just me left defending Cassandra. Around that time, my brother and I made another forum, with help from some different friends (Reverser, Bane, Heero, Inuyasha, Duo, and Cyran Ciin--remember that last one). This was [[RPG_Network]]. We set it up and actually were able to host a server on occasion because of Reverser. So that was cool--we were sort of official.

But there was still the Cassandra issue.

I can only guess that Docco and Mose and others were just frustrated with trying to--what I realize in hindsight--protect us from an actual, straight-up child predator. I say this because they joined the [[Network]] forum and just started causing chaos, spamming and using what I consider highly disgusting images for their avatars and signatures.

They made it pretty clear what would make them stop, and that was banning Cassandra.

Which I did, but not because of their stipulation.

Around the time we got our server running, ForceMod 3 updated and did something... interesting. Whenever someone joined a server, it would show that they were joining, and it would show their IP address. At some point, Naru joined a server--don’t remember which one--and we got a picture of “her” IP.

IPs were also visible to admins of InvisionFree forums.

Naru and Cassandra had the same IP.

She tried to tell me that it was done via proxy, but even a 9 year old can experience clarity.

So I banned Cassandra from [[Network]].

I’m lucky to say that I had this revelation before anything bad happened. So I have that to be thankful for.

Anyway.

((Server)) shifted officially to a strict system like FM3RPG. It still bore the ire of FM3RPG because FM3RPG was the only “real” RPG server. Dorian got what he wanted and made sure to lord that over everyone. I didn’t want to stay, so I left and went to [[Network]].

And you know? That could have been the end of it. It really could have. But people like Dorian can’t just let kids be. So instead of letting the servers coexist--maybe not peacefully, but certainly coexist--he instead made a point of popping onto [[Network]] not infrequently to throw his weight and insults around.

I wanted to ban him, others wanted to give him his chances.

That splintered the [[Network]] admins.

Some other things also splintered the [[Network]] admins, including these key points:

Revenge of the Sith had come out pretty recently and some of us, myself included, thought a Jedi Purge copycat would be cool. Others did not. None of us agreed on what to do.

Inuyasha did this plot in [[Network]] where a 17ish year old Jedi apprentice got captured by a Hutt and violated by said Hutt’s Twi’lek slave. It was not vague what happened. I was not a fan.

Myself and Bane concocted a plot to kill multiple characters. This included multiple of Inuyasha’s characters. Bane later went public with this. This was very hypocritical of me and I am now ashamed of my involvement. It stemmed entirely from the previous point.

Everything after this is kind of a blur. The [[Network]] stuff was going on in 2005 just before my family moved to Oregon, and after we moved I kind of just dropped out--mainly because all of this drama had spread so far and wide that a large chunk of the entire RPG playerbase had up and quit. That and I’m pretty sure my account was banned from ((Server)) at some point. I do know that during that time, my remaining Jedi character was killed in their Jedi Purge. I do have to give Dorian some credit for giving Master Kyle South a cool death scene, if nothing else.

Anyway, [[Network]] was basically dead by the time we moved, ((Server)) was barely on its last leg, and FM3RPG was ruined because of Dorian’s attitude across Network, Server, and Enclave (which also just died without much fanfare). At some point my brother attempted a revival of [[Network]], but that did not really take off and the entire thing just became a board full of spam.

Buuut that revival was after a certain event that served, I think, as just the final nail in the coffin.

And that was caused by one Cyran Ciin.

I was not around to witness this, but here is what I understand occurred:

Cyran Ciin did something to [[Network]]. This basically killed it. I don’t know what he did exactly, just that there was something done.

This got him in the good graces of Mose, and he became an admin on ((Server))’s forum.

However, Cyran Ciin was actually also from FM3RPG originally, and had a thing against ((Server)) and the other RPG servers. So, now an admin, he was free to just completely demolish ((Server))’s forum.

Just, everything moved into a trash bin, the forums rearranged, the background changed to a spam image, and all of the other mods and admins revoked of their privileges.

Karma? Maybe. 

Additional karma? Those actions getting Cyran Ciin banned from FM3RPG.

He didn’t care, though. He thought it was hilarious. I think he was an actual sociopath.

Anyway, FM3RPG was done. Their players had a reputation now and no one wanted to be associated with them. That’s my assumption, anyway. They might’ve just died to time like everyone else.

It doesn’t matter, though. The FM3 RPG community was dead--r.i.p 2003-2006ish.

There is an epilogue of a sort.

((Server))’s forums and [[Network]]’s forums were dead, but not gone--for a while. I found I was able to get back to both by correctly recalling their addresses--s6_invisionfree.com/rpg_server and I believe it was z11_invisionfree.com/rpg_network. Neither works now, of course, but they did for a time.

My brother gave me his login information for Network, so I was able to look around and see all the great things I had missed after the reboot. Luckily everything else was gone--during the reboot they had completely wiped the forums of everything from the first run, including the evidence of what I had done as a bad admin. That was nice. But I didn’t like what I saw, so I locked the forum, forgot the login information, and only occasionally looked at it via a throwaway account that I had made under the name of boxabox (password: boxabox).

The forum is gone with the change to Tapatalk, so that information is all useless now.

The real “heartwarming” epilogue comes from ((Server)). For a while, again, the forums remained accessible, and so I logged on back in like, 2013 or 2014. Surprisingly there was a thread that ran for a few days where someone was basically like “yo anyone still around?” A few people responded, including Docco, which was astounding. No Dorian, which was great.

Somehow I still remembered my login and password (although I don’t now) and decided to post on there.

The initial response was, unsurprisingly, not friendly, but long story short, Docco and I made amends and never spoke again after that.

By what I am sure is sheer coincidence, the forum got locked only a couple of weeks later, with only admin access enabled. So everything from there was already gone, and is now double-gone with the switch to Tapatalk.

I did discover that FM3RPG’s forum remains open, though. I won’t link to it because I don’t want to, but if you really want to, you can certainly find it--no login required.

Aaand that’s that. That’s my sordid history with the Jedi Academy RPG community. I won’t say I killed it, because that would be taking way too much burden of the responsibility, but... Well, let’s just say that I found a wikipedia-esque article about this same community several years back and I was mentioned as an important figure in everything that transpired. I have no idea where that page is now, but hey, it existed at some point, so I gotta own it.

Peace.

[stevieang]

Love Among the Little Chairs  Chapter 1/?

Summary: A/U: Lia Accorsi is a preschool teacher of children with special needs, who loves what she does and loves who she is - a plus+plus size woman.  Her best friend and secret crush, the kindergarten teacher next door, is James Buchanan Barnes.  Little does she know, he’s crushing just as hard (maybe harder) on her and admires her as a teacher, cares for her as a person, and thinks everything about her is beautiful.  Will they figure out how to find each other?

Word Count: 2090

Pairing: James “Bucky” Barnes/OFC

Warnings: For this first time around, swooning, swearing, light fluff.

A/N: My first Tumblr post!  I hope you like it, and you’re kind whether you do or don’t.  Enjoy and I look forward to hearing your thoughts!

“Just another morning with little chairs and the little people that occupy them.” Lia whispered as she walked through the toy castles,  box forts, doll houses, and river rafts created by her students.  Each creator had asked her, no, begged her, to leave their structures set up on the rug so they could play with them the next day.  

She was hesitant, but when her teaching assistant and the Occupational Therapist who worked with her also started begging, she caved.  She knew that for her students, these were more than just playthings, they were testaments to new steps on their developmental ladder.

Lia’s first love had always been to fight for the underdog.  To stand up for kids and people that weren’t considered “enough” to make the cut - smart enough, able enough, thin enough, pretty enough, rich enough.  She had always been one of them, and she chose to make her career being one of their strongest allies and loudest cheerleaders.  Fuck everyone else who didn’t believe in them - she did.  

After graduating with a double master’s in special education and communication disorders, Lia set out in the world.  She grew up in a middle-class blue collar family where hard work was required and self-sufficiency was essential for success.  She was thankful that her life wasn’t a “Her family treated her terribly because she was different, and therefore she had less-than-no self-esteem” story.  Her family treated her with love and respect, and helped her grow into a cautiously confident woman who knew what she wanted.  

Sure, the world was full of assholes with their bullying side comments, rude stares and guffaws, and really hurtful jokes.  Lia knew that her world was better if it was smaller - she started slow when meeting new people, and once they were firmly in her confidence, showed them the full-on sarcastic beauty of her personality, and by then she had a friend and ally for life.   She was always going to have to watch out for the public humiliation fat girls got, but after she figured out a good mix of healthy lifestyle habits she felt “right” in her body.  She vowed to try her best to ban negative self-talk and was successful, most of the time.

Lia knew today was going to be busy.  All the kids had therapy which she helped to run which left her no time to write the 2 ed plans that were due before the end of the day.   All her students had moderate-to-severe special needs, ranging from physical disabilities that required walkers or wheelchairs, sensory impairments that made her an expert in finding and fixing glasses and hearing aids, and cognitive and learning challenges that made the world harder to understand and navigate.  

She loved every single one of them as if they were her own.  She’d been blessed to be able to interview and hire an amazing team of support professionals that made her and her students’ lives better (and much more interesting) every day.  There was a reason her classroom was used as a model within the district, and this team was it.

She snapped pictures of the rug-bound creations to send home and hang in the classroom later.  “You are always taking pictures, lady.”  Lia looked up and smiled at Madeleine, her lead OT.  Her grad student Madison (who also happened to be her daughter) walked in immediately after, bringing coffee and goodies that made Lia’s mouth water.  

As they all took a moment to sit and sip, they were joined in quick succession by the team physical therapist (PT), nurse, and 2 teaching assistants.  The adults *almost* outnumbered the kids, but each person was essential to her classroom’s success.  One look at the clock had them quickly preparing for the day and heading out to meet the students.  

The day was just about as busy as she predicted, with quite a few laughs (more than tears, so that’s always good).  She had no time for her paperwork, so she ran to the corner sub shop to grab dinner and coffee before settling in for a long night in her classroom.  

“Hello Ms. Lia”

She startled and giggled as Luke, the night custodian, came in for his rounds.

“I’ve been telling you for 5 years that after the kids leave, please call me Lia.”

“...and I’ve been telling you for 5 years that ain’t gonna happen.  You’re a teacher.  My ma would slap me if she heard me call a teacher by their first name.”

She sighed, impressed with his civility but a bit frustrated with her lack of progress with his stubbornness.

“How were the kids today? They sure were happy when they showed me their mudpies.”

Lia grinned.  “Sorry about the mess.  We tried to clean up as much as possible, but a few of the boys got away from us.”

“Don’t you ever apologize for those kids.  I’ve told you before, my son’s like them, and he is our gift from God.  Wouldn’t change a single thing about him.”

“Well, Mr. Luke, you are our gift.  Thank you for all you do for us - day in and day out.”  He quietly completed his work and bid Lia goodnight on his way next door as she returned her eyes to her computer screen.  She didn’t even turn her head when the door opened soon after.

“I knew you’d be back - you forgot to tell me you’d lock up after me.”  

“Sorry, what?”

Lia shrieked as the unexpected voice broke through her single-minded focus.  She turned, ready to defend herself with the prized ceramic mug her class made her for Christmas.

“Whoa!  It’s me, don’t shoot!”  The teacher from next door had his hands up, barely covering the big smile on his face.

“Jesus, James!  You couldn’t give a girl a warning!  Something? I don’t know - a knock maybe?”

His chuckle made her forget her irritation.  “Sorry, I just wanted to know if you wanted anything - I was going out to grab dinner.”  She and James often worked late.  Not only did they have neighboring classrooms, his class was the next step for many of her students.  They had first worked together on some administrative special education committee that had eventually netted some grant money for new technology and consultant time, and had gotten along very well since.

“No thanks, I knew this was gonna be a late one so I ran out right after the kids left.  How come you’re here?  Well, other than there aren’t nearly enough hours in a day.”

“Yeah, something like that.  Three ed plans to write, and we’re doing an experiment tomorrow that I want to make sure is completely set up before I leave.  Maddie and Madison helped me with it and the kids are super excited.”  Lia smiled at him.  He was a wonderful teacher and better, she trusted him with the kids he inherited from her.  

“That sounds awesome.  I’d love to hear about it, but if I don’t finish this stuff, I’ll never get home.  I’d like to catch my Thursday show live for once, instead of watching it on demand two weeks later.”  She snorted to herself, knowing how unlikely that was.  “Thanks so much for thinking of me, James.  That was very kind.”

They laughed together at the words they used with the kids all day long to foster empathy.  “You’re welcome.  Let me know when you’re leaving.  I’ll walk you home or grab a cab with you.”

Lia had already shifted her attention back to her work, giving him a half-hearted “sure, thanks” as she tried to regain her momentum and cross at least one thing off her list.  James gently closed the classroom door, and almost bumped into Luke as he made his way out.

“She take you up on dinner this time?” The older man’s eyes were smiling as he went about his routine.

“No, not tonight.  She’s busy.”

“That woman is always busy.  Busy isn’t a reason for you to take ‘no’ for an answer.”

“Well, it’s the answer I got tonight, Luke.  I’m gonna run and get dinner, do you want anything?”  As he caught Luke shaking his head, he walked down the steps into the comfortably cool night air, unable to shake a feeling that he couldn’t quite name.   After he got settled back into work, the text alert sounded.  Lia and he often texted room-to-room because they knew their plans would be completely derailed if they talked face-to-face.

Lia A: Thanks for the offer of dinner, that was nice.  Maybe another time?

JBB: Of course.  The school year is far from over, I’m sure we’ll have other opportunities.

Lia A: You ain’t kidding.  Alright, I’m out for the night.  My brain has officially shut down and no more work can be completed that won’t have to be redone later.  Have a good night.

JBB: WAIT

James ran out of his classroom and let out an exasperated sigh as  he saw Lia’s darkened room.  She’d done this before - texted him as she walked out the door, not letting him walk her home, and he wondered why.  They respected each other, helped each other, even leaned on each other during the inevitably sucky times,  but it seemed like every time he even hinted at something outside the work arena, she kindly but firmly declined.  He grabbed his phone.

JBB: Why did you do that?  I told you I would’ve walked with you.

Lia A: I know, but I peeked in and you looked like you were in a groove.  I didn’t want to interrupt that.  Plus it’s not far and I always carry my pepper spray and whistle.  I’ll be fine.

JBB: Did anyone ever tell you you’re stubborn?

Lia A: Mr. B, I am offended.

Lia A: Sigh. Yes.  In fact, it’s usually you.

JBB: Can you just let me know you arrived home safely, then?

Lia A: You got it.  Thanks.

James quickly packed up his messenger bag, took one last look at the room, and snapped a picture to send to Maddie and Madison, telling them how psyched he was to see what tomorrow brought.  He bid Luke goodnight, and headed home, cheered by the text alert that told him Lia was safely home.  

As Lia puttered in her little apartment, she thought, as usual, about her students.  Oh, who the hell was she kidding, she was also thinking about James.  He was so kind, so sweet, so helpful, so…smolderingly sexy.  She had been successfully immunizing herself against James’ more alluring attributes for as long as she’d known him.  

She knew he was a truly good person - heck, it was rare enough to find male special educators at the elementary level, but to find one as good as he was at his job?  It was like catnip - she found it incredibly hard to resist.  It didn’t matter - he wasn’t offering anything that she had to resist.   A while back, he told her about a girlfriend back home, or something like that, which had slammed shut the gateway to any hope of him reciprocating her feelings.  

Knowing this, she still needed to recite her mantra: “He’s just a friend.  You’re friends and co-workers.  He has a girlfriend.”  The mantra didn’t help a lot, particularly when he texted her at unexpected times - sometimes they were goofy, sometimes serious, but always sweet.  It was nice to know someone was looking out for you when you lived alone.

JBB: Did you catch your show in time?

Lia A: Sigh. No.  looks like I’m 0 for 5 this season.  S’alright.  More to binge watch this weekend.

Lia A: Thanks for checking in - good luck on the lesson tomorrow.  Can’t wait to hear how great it goes!

JBB: Welcome and thank you.  I’ll send you some pictures. Night.

Lia finished doing all the stuff that would let her sleep as late as possible the next morning and climbed into bed.  She laughed as she tagged her team in an Instagram post and sighed when she saw how soon the alarm would be going off.

James finished packing all the stuff he needed to hit the gym before work and smiled as he saw Lia’s Instagram post.  She had all her materials packed up and her clothes and lunch ready to go.  The caption turned the smile into something more, “The irresistible life of a preschool teacher.  You know you want it.”

“You have no idea,” as he plugged in his phone and let those thoughts lull him to sleep.

Chapter 2  

@star-spangled-man-with-a-plan @suz-123

[idolizerp]

LOADING INFORMATION ON JAWBREAKER’S MAIN RAP ELEANOR MOON...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: Ellie CURRENT AGE: 24 DEBUT AGE: 19 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 16 COMPANY: KJH SECONDARY SKILL: CF modeling 

IDOL PROFILE

NICKNAME(S): n/a INSPIRATION: back in america, ellie discovered her love of rapping and after regular trips to korea to visit family, she discovered the rap side of kpop. this inspired her to audition and better explore that side of heritage. SPECIAL TALENTS:

games: it’s well known that ellie is competitive, and she seems to back this up by excelling in most games she’s presented with on variety shows.

staring/don’t laugh competitions: she’ll hold the gaze of a host without blinking, without laughing or smiling, or any other challenge they give her involving keeping a straight face.

english: obviously, growing up in america, her english is flawless so it’s

NOTABLE FACTS:

came in fourth place on the 2016 season of unpretty rapstar.

big fan of the LA dodgers, often seen wearing one of their hats.

can’t cook if her life depended on it. 

IDOL GOALS

SHORT-TERM GOALS:

After joining KJH and being pushed to promote more than she’s used to, Ellie feels like they actually want her to succeed. It’s been in talks to let her potentially have a solo career, and soon. Sometime within the next year, she hopes to launch that career and release her first single.

LONG-TERM GOALS:

No group lasts forever, Ellie knows this, but she wants to last forever. She wants her solo career to take off and to carry her for the rest of her life. She loves the spotlight. She wants to become an icon in Korea, like BoA or IU. Except for rapping, obviously.

IDOL IMAGE

the marketing team at singularity have an idea in mind when they hear about the new foreign trainee. silly american, still getting accustomed to the language and the culture; it was a stereotype they assumed she’d slide into easily. when word of this reaches her ears, it’s obvious to her that they haven’t done their research. that’s not who she is; she’s not even sure she could pretend to be that. they have yet to speak to her about it, and it doesn’t look like she’s debuting soon, so she does everything in her power to change their mind. she knows she has to be respectful of her new company. her father’s words ring sound in her mind: “don’t speak back to anyone like you spoke to your teachers here; you’ll be sent back home without a second thought”. more than anything she wants to succeed and debut. but she decides she needs to be bolder. she speaks to her superiors with a surprising confidence. in any class or lesson, she’s always at the front, eager to learn and even more eager to impress. eleanor knows she’s more than a stereotype; she just has to show them.

when it’s time to debut, the image they’ve come up for her isn’t one she would pick for herself, but it’s better than the original idea. there’s an emphasis on respect (that’s not a surprise to eleanor); they’re the newcomers on the scene, they have to earn their spot. they want people to like them, to feel like they’re at the same level. be humble. they know eleanor has a tendency to be brash, and though they claim they want her ‘true personality to shine’ they also want to reign her in. she can come off as straightforward and a little gutsy, but there are boundaries. don’t insult, don’t offend, don’t show the group or company in a bad light. everything in moderation.

they decide to play up her underdog story. her parents, korean immigrants wanting a better life for their future children than they were able to provide in their previous circumstances. a girl raised in a different country wanting to get back to her korean roots, feeling a calling of some sort to be apart of it all. rap competitions she came in second, never first, so she pushed herself to be better. to be the best. and here she was, finally succeeding and debuting as a main rapper. achieving her dream. it’s a story spun to inspire girls around the world, that anything is possible. ellie proves to them that she’s not so different from them.

eleanor thinks higher of herself than most of the world does, though she doesn’t always let it show. she’s been quoted claiming that she’s the self-proclaimed visual of her.oine, and the true reason for their success. no one is ever entirely sure if she’s joking or not, or if this is all an act. she doesn’t want them to know the answer. it rubs some the wrong way, and others think it’s cute and naive. when asked who she’d want to trade places with for a day, she said ‘no one’ because she can’t imagine being anyone better than who she already is. her favorite part of any comeback is her rap (“it basically defines the whole song”, she claims). a meeting with her management and a very firm slap on the wrists follows.

this gains her backlash. it’s been there since day one, but this really stirs it up. why does she get to be the main rapper? what makes her specially? the other members are more talented than she is, she reads. they have far more experience, and she can’t deny that. one of them was raised by a rapper/producer. three years feels like an eternity to eleanor, but there are trainees that have been working for over six years and still haven’t managed to debut. what does she have that they lack? while she wants to scream back that she has talent, passion, and drive, she keeps her mouth closed because it’s what she’s supposed to do. when asked to comment on her criticism, she just smiles and promises fans that she’s working her hardest to be the best she can for them. when has she become this person?

despite her big mouth and sometimes too-much confidence, she is depicted caring for her members. she may let out a huff or roll her eyes when one hugs her, but she can be caught passionately cheering them on in any ventures outside of the group or out at dinner with one of them, letting them pick off of her plate. she’s not motherly of the younger girls, and not a maknae-type by any means. more of the teenage daughter who acts too cool for her family but deep down would do anything for them.

things change when their label goes south and they get bought out. her.oine is no more. who knows what their new concept will be. from what she’s told, the changes aren’t too drastic. it’ll still be a girl crush group (thank god), she’ll still be the main rapper (thank GOD). but as far image, they want her to play up the foreigner card. talk about los angeles and where she’s from. not in the same way singularity did. she doesn’t have to play dumb, she already has her image and for now it’s fine. they don’t want to stir up any trouble before they can get the group going again. it’s just that atlas has been so successful overseas that kjh hopes that jawbreaker having an openly foreign member will help bridge that gap for them too.

what they want eleanor to be and who she wants to show the world are completely different people though. her confidence is obvious to anyone who interacts with her. it oozes out of her pores, out of her mouth, impossible to ignore. she’s someone who knows what she wants and is committed to getting it. she’s the girl in school you were afraid to talk to. the one you thought just might bully you but instead empowers you to be a stronger version of yourself. the male fans would love her for her body, her rapping skills, and the not-so-subtle winks she hands out like party favors. the girls would see the more dangerous side of them in eleanor, the side they wish they were confident enough to show to the world.

but for now, she waits. she waits for their next concept, for the reviews to come in, for a chance to be a little more herself. it seems just out of grasp, but she’s fighting for jawbreaker’s success and the freedom she misses.

IDOL HISTORY

eleanor is practically born with middle child syndrome. she has an older brother her family adores, he’s a natural at everything he tries. the only thing she’s good at is talking. the babbling starts at an early age and her parents wish they could go back to a day when she didn’t make a sound, because now she never stops. and when she learns a word, three more come quickly after and before they know it, she’s talking their ears off again. it’s nonsense of course, but it’s never ending. as a child, she’s needy and can’t seem to entertain herself; she craves the attention. on the day she turns three, her birthday party is canceled as her mom is rushed to the hospital prematurely. she returns with two more kids, a boy and a girl. everyone is fussing over the new additions instead of bringing her presents and talking to her. at that age she doesn’t understand why, but ever since, her special day wasn’t just for her. she had two others to constantly share with. share toys, share her parents love and attention. she had never been a fan of sharing. a young eleanor tells her parents very boldly that she hates her new siblings before slamming the door, causing the babies to cry.

at home, it’s all korean all the time. they speak it because it’s easier for her parents, and to make sure they don’t forget that part of who they are. eleanor’s mother cooks traditional korean food, just like her mother did. she tries to get her kids interested in it and her oldest is a natural, of course. eleanor can’t seem to get the hang of it or find any interest in it, so she’s shooed out of the kitchen. a bitter scowl is present across her face during dinner. the only time when she feels truly included is during their summers in daegu. she cherishes the time she gets to spend with her grandmother, because at times it feels like her grandmother is the only one who cherishes her.

her father is a professor at a local university, teaching korean language and asian studies. her mother is a pediatric nurse. with two parents that work full time and three other siblings, it’s near impossible for eleanor to get any alone time, or even attention, from her parents. so, like a true middle child, she begins to act out. at first it’s talking disrespectfully to teachers. she even writes a rap about the vice principle and his snaggle-tooth and performs it for everyone at recess. once she decides to spend a week pretending she suddenly forgot english, which prompted a parent-teacher meeting. as she gets older, things get worse. showing up late to class and telling her teacher to ‘fuck off’ when asked where she was. skipping class altogether to hang out with the kids that finally took notice of her. she was suspended for underage smoking in the school parking lot. if anything, her parents were stressed and angry. but they were also busy, so her punishments were minimal and poorly policed.

the crowd she finds herself involved with aren’t exactly stand-up citizens, but they give her the attention she craves. eleanor sneaks out most nights to meet up with them. it’s something new every night, but it almost always involves alcohol, cigarettes, and something illegal. whether that be drugs, breaking into someone’s house, graffiti, or spending time with boys who are too old to have her best interest at heart. she’s spiraling, flying head first down the wrong path, and no one seems to notice.

her favorite nights involve taking a bus down to lincoln heights to watch underground rappers perform and battle. thanks to her friends, her main interests lie in rap and hiphop, so she’s not foreign to this style, but seeing it live is something else. it awakens something in eleanor she wasn’t sure she’d ever feel: passion. it’s during a trip that a friend encourages her to enter an amateur competition. she does so with surprising confidence for someone so young and is eliminated the first round. laughed off the makeshift stage. her quick temper boils up and she’s furious and embarrassed at the same time, claiming it wasn’t her fault that she did so bad; that person she was against COULDN’T have been a beginner. despite her claims, she begins to practice, and practice hard. she enters as many competitions as she can, missing more and more school. but she’s getting better and that’s what counts, placing higher and higher.

eleanor’s grades begin to drop and that raises a red flag to her parents. rules are stricter, she can’t sneak out anymore. there will be no more absences from school and she’ll come straight home afterwards. she’s finally getting the attention she craves but it feels all wrong. something is missing and she knows exactly what that is.

it’s one of these friends that tells her about the audition. the boy and his sister are older than her, but two of the only korean friends she has. they were the ones to introduce her to kpop and khiphop to begin with. some of it is ridiculous, some of it flows better than american hiphop, but it all piques her curiosity. she has no idea what groups are under this label, singularity, or anything about it, other than it’s kpop. somewhere deep inside, this audition is her only chance at freedom. life at home with parents who don’t understand is a prison. out in the industry, she’ll be able to do what she loves. maybe it’s not originally how she imagine herself, but it’s s step in the right direction, the only direction that makes sense to her right now. she signs up for the audition and prepares a song in english for them, and one in korean.

eleanor acts unsurprised when she gets offered a chance to audition again in seoul. the extensive time spent with family in korea makes it easy to get her parents to agree to let her go. and when she gets offered a spot in the company, she tells her parents it’s exactly what she needs to get on the ‘right path’. they have no problem with it, though she had hoped they would act a little sadder to see their oldest daughter move out of the country before she’s even eighteen.

trainee life isn’t at all what eleanor expected. she didn’t know it was going to be so… strict. she thought she had left this life behind in california. she also didn’t expect to have so much competition. the whining is short-lived (much to the gratitude of the other trainees). she knows what she needs to do to get to where she needs to be. so she trains day in and day out. she barely eats. she’s at the gym constantly. every tidbit of adive they give her she gobbles up, eager to improve. she’s ruthless and some of the other trainees are rubbed the wrong way. she doesn’t care. she doesn’t care about anyone other than herself and it shows. others aren’t the biggest fan of her personality, though in front of her superiors, she puts on a kinder face. her temper again gets the better of her and she yells at a younger girl for accidentally tripping her. while she knows deep down her reaction was uncalled for, her pride keeps her from giving a sincere apology until she spots the girl crying one day. she offers the girl a hidden candy bar and mumbles a nearly incomprehensible but sincere “sorry”.

korean classes weren’t anything eleanor had expected when she moved. she thought her korean was good. great, actually. but that was just her over-confidence doing her a disservice. there are things that only come with a native language that they need to pound into her. her dialect skews some words that they want her to be clearer on. she needs to know what idioms work and what don’t, and the ones that are special just to the korean language. she has to finish school still which is done locally, and it nearly feels overwhelming. there’s so much about history and tradition her family hadn’t taught her, and here she was trying to play catch up while also training. she’s constantly tired, making her even more snappy and short with the other trainees. they just think it’s her personality, but really she’s worried about whether she’ll be able to succeed or not. maybe she’s not cut out for this, maybe she can’t do it. maybe she should go back home and just be a teacher even though she’s not the biggest fan of kids. doubts aren’t foreign to eleanor and at times she has trouble pushing through them.

her training doesn’t lightening up as a year passes, and then six months, and then six more. she’s two years in when she nearly blows her voice. her practicing is consistent until she wakes up one morning unable to speak. her stomach drops and her heart breaks just a little. is this the end for her? a quick meeting at the doctors proves she’ll be okay, but she gets put on voice rest for a week. she only lasts five days before she’s back rapping, a little more cautious, but just as determined.

it’s another year before eleanor debuts, with a nickname not foreign to her. her dancing and rapping has improved, she’s proven to be a talented and passionate trainee, so ellie is debuting as the main rapper of the new girl group, her.oine. when she’s finally in private, she bursts out in tears. all her hard work was finally paying off. it was her first real glimpse at any kind of freedom. she loves the concept, loves her role. feels… okay about the other girls. she’s never been great at sharing the spotlight, but at least she feels important here. and over time she warms up to the other members.

she still has a ways to go. she’s met with endless criticism from fans and critics alike. she’s not good enough, she’s foreign, she’s just another ‘idol rapper’ and not even a great one at that. she’s boring, she’s rude. anything they can think of comes out and she feels the tears start, but she swallows them. this isn’t the time to wallow in self pity. all she can do is try to prove them wrong, even when she really wants to give up.

singularity gives her one chance to prove herself. they don’t seem to invest much in her or the group, they don’t seem to care about them. so she’s surprised when they meet her halfway and both parties agree to let her go out for unpretty rapstar. it’s at least… something. it gives her something to do while the group sits idle. always the competitive type, she tries her hardest. but her korean is still not good enough. she doesn’t win, doesn’t even come in second place. she finishes in fourth place which she’s told is pretty good but it’s not good enough for her. she vows to practice harder, to not be so humiliated again. little does she know that her time as part of ‘her.oine’ is limited.

the always-confident ellie feels her confidence falter when their company goes under. for a brief moment, the group’s future is uncertain. her future is uncertain. until they’re told that they’re the one good thing to come out of singularity. kjh global creative is going to take them on with some minor changes. for the better, they say. she’s very skeptical of the company, of what they have prepared, and even of their new name (jawbreaker is a dumb name, if you ask her).  but she doesn’t have a choice. eleanor is ready to get back in the spotlight, no matter what it takes.

and she does. they do. their debut song doesn’t win any awards, but it’s good. it’s well received. and she surprises herself by loving it. ellie’s riding a high, but it’s not over yet. kjh has them preparing for a comeback already, much to the group’s surprise. she’s not used to this kind of attention, this kind of investment, but it’s what she’s always wanted and she’s thriving.