#although i don’t like defining my beliefs it makes me anxious. i do think so many things could be seen as divine such as making art

[carsickcrow]

still having art thoughts but not actively making art so i will ramble into the void some more. i really like the way i’ve begun to think about my art in the past few months. i feel like i used to be solely focused on “getting better” at art which is. not a bad thing but now i feel like i’m using art as a way to explore ideas more and it’s just really fun and works with how my brain works and i want to do this for the rest of my life. also along with that like making art with meaning behind it point i’ve actually started titling my pieces which used to be a struggle and still is sometimes but i think i’m getting the hang of it. i’ve already named a piece i’ve barely started. anywho. i love art sm

[nerdygaymormon]

(1/2) hi david! ok i have a quick thing abt women and the priesthood: its so frustrating to me, and it used to be 1/12 months we would study the priesthood and honestly they don't teach us anything really other than what kind of stuff they do (vaguely). i always try to bring up the talks about womens priesthood power (only if endowed lol) but they always get brushed off. when i said how unfair it was when i turned 12 that i couldn't get the priesthood my mom took me aside and talked to me about

(2/2) she said to think of it like a wheelchair for men, to help them to be able to do good and help others and give them motivation because if women had the priesthood they would want to help everyone (i cant even with that metaphor its so wrong) and honestly, why can't women hold the priesthood? has that ever been said? why? because we live in a man/father led society? im just really tired of all the barely hidden sexism in lessons + calling the guys 'the priesthood' i hate it so much. thanks!

————————————————————

Yes, I remember those lessons. I thought for the young women and Relief Society the focus should be on how they can access the priesthood, why it matters there is priesthood and so on, not learning the young men can pass the sacrament (which btw, preparing or passing the sacrament doesn’t require the priesthood and we used to allow females to do this). 

And how come the people in priesthood quorums didn’t need to spend a month learning about women’s contributions, or motherhood, or a way to provide some equity for women having to put up with learning of the men’s roles for a month

Yes, I’ve heard the excuse that men need priesthood in order to train them to be as good as the women naturally are. I don’t buy it. If priesthood service boosts a person’s goodness, why would we not want women to participate?

—————————

I feel like our Church doesn’t do a good job explaining it’s priesthood restrictions. That’s probably because there isn’t a good justification for them.

We had the disastrous ban of people of African descent not being eligible to hold the priesthood and also not allowed to receive temple blessings. Fortunately, in 1978 the temple blessings and allowing men of African descent to be part of the priesthood was restored. Now no one is banned based on race, ethnicity or national origin. 

In early church history, the revelations mention men and the priesthood. I think that’s the basis for the current ban on women. 

Was this absence of women intentional? 

Could this be a case of the word “man” being used to mean “mankind” and wasn’t supposed to exclude women? 

Maybe “men” is all the culture was able to accept at the time. Women didn’t have constitutional rights and weren’t allowed to vote, and were thought of as people who remain in the house while their husbands dealt with things in the broader world.

—————————

For a long time, our church taught that women can “receive all the blessings of the priesthood” even if they don’t hold it themselves.

Today, President Nelson has indicated that something unique happens in the LDS temple ceremony — something that imparts priesthood power to women. In the temple, there are certain ordinances that women perform for other women, which indicates they have the priesthood even though they haven’t been formally ordained to the priesthood. 

Unfortunately, this isn’t very well defined. 

Do women who’ve been through the endowment ceremony hold priesthood power, even though they aren’t ordained, and are only authorized to use this priesthood in the temple? 

Could they be authorized to use this priesthood outside of the temple? 

Why are they only authorized to use their priesthood for other women and not men? 

Is this the Aaronic or Melchizedek priesthood, or is it some other branch of the priesthood? 

—————————

I think it’s clear women can hold priesthood and wield its authority. There’s many examples from the Bible and early Church history. 

Judges 4-5 - Deborah was a judge of Israel, acting as a prophet and military leader at a time when women were treated like property and valued by the number of children they could bear.​ She didn’t follow the gender role expected of her, and showed God is willing to have women as leaders, women as prophetesses. Perhaps patriarchy isn’t God’s will but a cultural trait of the ancient Israelites which we now read in the Bible and think is of God.

Acts 2:17 - “And it shall come to pass in the last days, saith God, I will pour out my spirit upon all flesh: and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions, and your old men shall dream dreams”

Is priesthood required to prophesy?

Romans 16 - powerful scripture for equality and inclusion--so many names of women in positions of authority and influence listed. There’s not enough details to know the exact roles of the women. Is a “fellow servant” an apostle? Is a woman who travels & teaches as Paul does, an apostle? What about the women who are leaders together with their husband? Some women sound like heads of the congregation, are they equivalent to bishops and pastors?

There’s an address from Joseph Smith to the Relief Society on March 30, 1842 that many believe indicates he intended for women to hold the priesthood. “the Society should move according to the ancient Priesthood, hence there should be a select Society separate from all the evils of the world, choice, virtuou[s] and holy— Said he was going to make of this Society a kingdom of priests an in Enoch’s day— as in Paul’s day”

Healing by the laying on of hands was a practice that was common for Mormon women in the 19th century, although it was said to be done by faith, not priesthood. There’s even a famous example of Mary Fielding Smith blessing an ox to health on the trek west to Utah. This practice was stopped because it was too similar to the priesthood.

—————————

What our church has allowed women to do has varied, and needing priesthood authority was often the excuse for why women couldn’t do these things.

Women were barred from praying in Sacrament meeting from 1967 until 1978. 

In 1984, a woman spoke in general conference for the first time since 1930. Since then, women have spoken in every general conference.

Women were once permitted to join in or stand as an observer at the blessing of her baby, but today it’s priesthood only

In 2013, the first time a woman prays at General Conference.

In 2013, the "sister training leader" position is created, a leadership position for women who are missionaries. 

In 2015, the church appointed women to its executive councils for the first time.

2021, positions for women were created at the Area level of leadership in Europe, they’ll participate in leadership councils, and train Relief Society, Young Women and Primary Leaders.

—————————

Can women hold the priesthood? I think the evidence points to yes. I believe we’re in the same situation as the priesthood ban of Black men where it’s now our tradition and belief and will take a revelation to undo. The question is, are the apostles and prophet seeking such a revelation?

If we extended the priesthood to all worthy members regardless of gender, that would solve several issues. For example, we have areas with many more women as active members, and the men in those congregations must shoulder several callings that require the priesthood. Their burden would be much lighter if women could share in the responsibilities

The disparity that women see in their everyday lives would be eliminated. They may be in a position of authority at work, but then on Sundays, for the most part they’re limited to working with women & children, and excluded from top leadership positions. I wrote a thing where I switched gender roles at church and I think it makes clear the messages we are sending to our members, particularly our impressionable children and teensagers. 

Then there’s the case of trans & intersex people. Is priesthood for men given according to their spirit or to their body? How do we know what gender is the spirit of an intersex person? If everyone were eligible for the priesthood, it would save us from having to answer what is perhaps an unanswerable question about whether the body & spirit of trans people got mismatched.

—————————

We currently are not accessing the talents and capabilities of 1/2 the population. You’d think a church that has Heavenly Mother as part of its theology would be anxious to recognize the contributions that women can make and let them have leadership roles at all levels of the Church. 

[tammyhybrid21]

Autism & Neurodivergent Headcanons

TODAY IS A SCREAMING ABOUT AUTISM DAY!

Because apparently it's just the mood, and well, not entirely Autism, but like-- the kind of characters I enjoy. And rule number one is Neurodivergent Coded, in one form or another... Which is mostly Autism, but not always.

So, let's talk about some of the Neurodivergent ICONS I love.

So first, I'm going to go back to my OLDEST, well, okay more like second oldest fandom. With Sonic, specifically Sonic SatAM. And the character who STILL to this DAY defines my taste in characters about 75% of the time.

So, let's talk. This character, I have... no idea how many pages of a sketchbook I have just filled with him. But this is Antoine. D'Coolette in the comics, Depardieu in the cartoon. And he was my first... well, the FIRST character I ever so whole heartedly latched onto. Which is projection and the whole nine yards of that mess. Hell I have old, old OCs who I made into his family and just-- yeah--

So, Antoine, he's the coward of the show, the comic relief and the joke that's picked on. He's also ALWAYS anxious, has special focus and interests and lacks even basic social skills and has issues with vocalizing things properly. Antoine, ticks all the autism flags for me, with additional anxiety. Along with just, massive underdog sense. You need to remember, this was MY CHARACTER, as a kid.

And he still is. I could talk for ages on all the little things that he does that are Autistic or Autistic coded, but that would be a WHOLE other big giant post, and we're not really here for that, but just screaming briefly about Characters I love who're definitely ND

Meanwhile still on Sonic.

LOOK AT THIS ADHD ICON!

Like look! Look! The simple fact is, this is the first truly Nurodivergent ICON form of Sonic we have seen! And I mean that, before and always he was just-- fast. But have you watched the MOVIE?! And okay, there are jokes in the comics and even in the cartoon, but those were always really brief and not enough but Movie Sonic?! Like, this is the baby Sonic! This is definitely ADHD Sonic! This is the TRUE BLUE!

Although I will miss the old school Sonic from SatAM, I will not miss him being rather mean spirited towards my Autism Icon of a character. Which seriously, I have-- many complaints about SatAM on rewatching it as an adult, but one of the biggest is just generally how mean spirited Sonic is... as an aside though, I do still appreciate the series and wish that it got the completion it deserved, and Archie doesn't count.

ALSO BONUS.

Without further comments.

The og ADHD "Sonic". Also Sonic Underground has its charm and place FITE ME!

Soooo, we all know, ALL KNOW! THE GREAT PAPYRUS IS AUTISTIC! But I would also, like to just make some comments in general about Sans. So let's lump the Skelebros together and talk about them. Papyrus is the obvious Autistic Icon! In so, so many ways, and damn it, I also have many, many comments to make on the who is older debate, but number one-- I want to talk about something in regards to Sans.

The general image we all have in the fandom is depression, but I would also like to raise Anxiety. And it's all subtle. But both the brothers are not neurotypical and people can FITE ME! I will counter with examples from the game and even some of the characterizations that you yourselves write people!

Also, on anxiety, we get a very small glimpse, but I think Papyrus has it as well, and that's just sad...

Benjamin Tennyson from his series by the same name. ADHD ICON! Also, the best kid with Aliens on his wrist, but only up to the end of Ultimate Alien and we do NOT talk about the retcons in Omniverse and beyond...

But Ben is not just ADHD, I have a missing half complete rant about Benjamin here and Autism, but I will cite Sumo Slammers as the BIG THING! Like do you know how many episodes of the Original series had him just-- deviating from the plot because THIS IS MY SPECIAL INTEREST! Like, that's big, and even grown up-- and he has routines and places that matter to the HEIGHT OF IMPORTANCE! That might be stupid to a casual observer, but for me. Yep.

Icon!

Also just like, who doesn't want to have aliens at their fingertips, tell me?!

And the whole Uchiha Clan in general. And since this is a topic I've ranted on multiple times, I don't really think I need to talk about it again, just go dig through my Naruto tag, or my Autism one... or both, I don't really care. But this whole clan is one big Autistic Family. Also obvious from this series...

And the Number 1 Knuckleheaded Ninja himself. At least pre-shippuden and early on the boy is the ADHD icon! Actually, honestly, all Uzumaki are-- Again, this isn't something I really need to talk about, but I will complain a LOT about how badly Naruto was handled, and I do have many half finished angry rants about how they lost his empathy and it became so self-centered and just--

This boy annoys me beyond belief due to how it was handled.

For some amusement, I'll be honest-- there is only one member of Mystery Incorporated who I don't think is Neurodivergent, and no-- it's not the dog.

No but seriously. I have-- many, many feelings on this show, most of them really honestly too much for me to honestly put into enough words. But on the whole, one of the big things in NOBODY HERE FEELS TYPICAL! They're all neurodivergent best friends aside one single member, and I have many emotions and feelings, and just-- they're so, so good.

Shaggy definitely has some kind of anxiety, Freddy I have a whole rant somewhere about how he's Autistic, Velma gives off some MASSIVE OCD vibes, particularly when faced with challenges to her boxed world-view and while we could debate that to Autism-- not really... Scooby like Shag, has anxious, but he's also a Great Dane--

And Daphne minds them all!

I will also fight you on Vivi! Of course everyone already knows Arthur and anxiety-- but Vivi is SO Autistic/ADHD herself! Like you don't understand!

AND I CAN AND WILL SCREAM MORE ABOUT THESE TWO AS WELL!

Like! I do not think people yet understand! I am THIS CLOSE to digging more into the movies to see if I can find points for Sara and even Tiffany for being Autistic, but these two are the CLEAR AND OBVIOUS Cases! AND I LOVE THEM! Like, Tadeo took a while to grow on me, he's actions in the sequel are... well... But I do not think I could scream more about how clear these two are as Autistic Icons.

ESPECIALLY MUMMY!

Who's not just Autistic but confirmed as Asexual and nb!

Unfortunately I have a less than happy rant about Tadeo coming up, but right now! Let's just appreciate the sheer Autism this series has on display with not one but two characters the fandom can point out the signs in!

Not Autism surprisingly, but I would like to make an aside here for Héctor! For all I relate and ADORE Héctor! It's not Autism that he flags as. Not at all. I mean we can argue about it, people can have that headcanon, but I am firmly over here like, for all those signs there are some BIG things missing for that to click into place. And I do have a piecemeal rant in the process of being made--

But for now.

Héctor Rivera is the REAL ADHD ICON!

Inattentive ADHD, And he's such a GOOD boy for it as well. Like excuse me?! EXCUSE ME! This Papá may be distracted, impulsive and not exactly good at keeping details in his mind, or responsible with property or establishing boundaries but he's really, really a GOOD icon for ADHD! Also, contrasting--

As an aside as well, Anxiety.

That is all.

Miguel and Victoria though, yeah they're Autistic for sure!

Anyway... this is enough of my screaming, so yeah... just a small glimpse of those Neurodivergent characters I love.

[thepursuitofunderstanding]

February 9/2021

I listening to Jordan Peterson yesterday and he was talking about how one has to find some sort of meaning that justifies the suffering of the world; something that allows one to behold earthquakes, cancer, the inevitable death of everyone and the possible explosion of the sun, and say, with eyes wide open, it’s all worth it. 

This was an idea that I could intellectually apprehend the last time that I was intensely listening to him, but now I seem to also understand it in an embodied sort of way. Which is a deeper, more intimate sort of understanding, for it requires one to act out one’s understanding instead of merely interacting with it in a calculating and impersonal manner. I get this idea in a way now that I just wasn’t able to before. I had been on the outside looking in then, now I’m living it. Thus, I may well have to take a deep dive back into Peterson’s thought and see what else I can inhabit in a new way. Because it seems that ever since I seriously started to devote myself to my work, I have been able to interact with ideas in a way that I hadn’t even known was possible before. I seem to be pushing the boundaries of my capacity farther than I’ve ever done before. Oh how exciting it is!

Certainly I’d caught glimpses of this potentiality of mine before: questions asked in my classes that were maybe above the caliber asked by my fellow students, or the fact that some of my most intelligent professors seemed quite content to just sit and talk with me for hours on end. There have been indications of.... what exactly? My capacity to interact with ideas with a creativity and to a depth that is unusual? If I may say such a thing of myself... Damn, I think that this capacity might be something that I’ve been dancing around for awhile here now, but always too reluctant to name. For, once named, it exists, it’s real. And once it’s real like that, it can be proven wrong. Which is perhaps my greatest fear--discovering that I’m not as capable and insightful as I might think myself to be. For, my belief in this capacity of mine to probe, to wander and explore, is what my identity is built upon. It is my very foundation, the grounding of my Being. And it’s hard to know, as I’m so close to myself, whether there’s actually anything to this belief in myself. That is, in comparison to others, are my capacities unique? Because I know that this is what it will come down to: all the working in the world won’t matter if I haven’t got that something to distinguish my work, you know?

No matter what my talent level might be, another circumstance that is manifesting out of my increased focus in my work is that I’m feeling myself become the person that I always wanted to be. It’s like I always knew that this person was here, that I could sense the potentiality within myself, I just never dared believe that such a person might ever actually come out for any extended length of time. I figured that the best I would ever get were glimpses every now and again, glimpses of what I could be. It seemed like too much to hope for that I might live this person every day. I mean, on the one hand, I’m the same person that I’ve always been, but I’m also not, you know? I used to be so hesitant, anxious, tense and scared. And of course, that’s all still there, but it’s now massively overshadowed by all that has grown up in the presence of my work. It seems that only through the process of my work has my potentiality been able to materialize into actuality. 

Now, this is where it gets a bit complicated, because I have this sense, which of course I can’t explain, that my work is somehow tied up with my experience of God/divinity. And if explaining that weren’t hard enough, I also have to contend with the fact that I still have no idea what I mean when I say “God” or “divinity.” I think that these topics are vastly more nuanced than our modern cynical world seems to think. In our present context, I think that there’s something to be said for Kierkegaard’s idea that with God all things are possible. Although I’m obviously still very fuzzy about all the implications and connections brought forth by positing such. 

To flesh this idea out a bit, Peterson says that gratitude towards God is something that characterizes Abel... I might have to go back and listen to that segment again, I was admittedly very stoned the first time. But, alas, I do seem to be experiencing a gratitude now that I never knew was possible before: with God all things are possible. And think! It’s only just begun! Perhaps I’ll be lucky enough to get many more years of this. It’s almost too good to even think about. How truly glorious life can be... Although, it can also be wretched beyond comprehension as well; it can be pure hell. And perhaps it is the fact of that great variation that gives life any meaning in the first place. For, it can always be other than it is. Thus the gratitude. Thus also, it seems, the need for sacrifice. As I wander farther down this path of mine I discover how much is and will be demanded of me, everything really. It’s okay though, because I’m nothing without God/my defining commitment/my work anyways. I’ll give Him/it my last breath if that’s what it takes. Because I understand that I wouldn’t have any reason to be alive in the first place if it weren’t for Him/it. 

Alas, should we attempt to pursue what I mean when I say that I (or anyone) is walking with God? I think so. I’ll start by saying that this is a concept that I have adapted from Peterson. It’s not yet entirely clear to me if my conception of it is the same (or how similar) to his conception. In my mind, walking with God is to consciously focus oneself wholly upon one’s defining commitment. Because, it is now becoming apparent to me that I take God to be synonymous with one’s defining commitment and the highest good that one can conceive of. For God is that which illuminates one’s Being and makes all things possible. And it seems to me that this is exactly the effect that a defining commitment has on one’s life. That is, this is the effect when one leaps into/towards this defining commitment as Abraham did, we can’t forget that part. Because there are no halfway movements when it comes to one’s defining commitment. (Since we now understand that when I say “defining commitment” I mean: the meaning of one’s existence; one’s ultimate aim; --God--, I shall from here on out say “God” and take this to mean all the above mentioned simultaneously.) It is all or nothing. And nothing, I have come to understand, is to become Cain: to come to despise Being itself and seek to take revenge upon it. Hell, in other words. Or rather, a self-created Hell. 

Thus, to walk with God is to bow down to God and recognize that one would sacrifice everything if God were to ask it of one. Perhaps even if God doesn’t ask it of one. For God is everything. To walk with God is to recognize this with every fiber of one’s Being... I think that I need to flesh this out more but I don’t have the capacity to articulate it yet. Alas, one day. 

[ashlip-arts]

pl

1. If waking up is the only thing you can do, worry not.

Do not feel sorry if you’re feeling lazy today or you don't feel like accomplishing anything, there’s still tomorrow. And in today's time, what matters more is you wake up because it's a sign that God has given you another shot in life. You have your own pace to do everything you need as long as there’s a goal in your mind.

  2. People will come into your life unexpectedly.

Some people will drop by your life and will make a big impact on your life. They may be people who are strangers to you, but as the quarantine extends for a few more months, they become someone who'll make you smile. You shared the ups and downs of each other's lives, the incomparable laughter shared, and for once, once this is all over, you decided to meet up and that’s okay. Cherish the moments and experiences throughout your journey with every person because someday, in those ordinary days of your life, you'll remember the people who gave you so much lesson and made you grow as a person.

 3.    Personal health must come first before academics.

Never pressure yourself to complete your academic requirements. Education is important, but so does health, and whenever you feel like doing nothing and you’re feeling off, you can stop what you’re doing. I know time is very precious, but for once, look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that it's okay to calm down and relax.

  4. Your family will always be your strongest companions.

Nothing in the world can replace your family, even though sometimes it doesn’t have your best interest in mind. There will be times when you guys are untiringly arguing about the little things, but you have to believe that it’s normal for family members to argue sometimes. And trust me, that won't change the fact that they still want the best for you and will be supporting you no matter what. They still love you even though you're being too hard on yourself and you're having a hard time loving your entirety. Even though your family can hurt you in a way no one else can, but during struggles, you can always count on them to nourish you and bring out the best in you, again.

 5. Give time to hone God-give talents.

We are all naturally gifted, and during this period in time, we should also give time to our skills because it’s a wonderful thing to do. Play musical instruments, cover a song, do some artworks, cook for yourself, and even for your loved ones, sing like there’s no tomorrow. You have all the time in the world to hone your skills and to perfect them. Stop comparing your talent to others, as we all have our unique aspects as a person. Never look for validation of others and let them tell you what they like and what they don't. What matters the most is you love what you're doing and you're giving your all to the passion of doing what you love to do. It will all be enough, just enjoy things and keep on getting better every day.

  6. Pain might not what we want, but it is something we need.

 Sometimes life gives you so much pain that you barely hold on and it makes you feel very vulnerable and there will be times that you just wish to end the void of losing someone, a friend, a relative, or maybe yourself. The time you feel that the entire world is on your shoulder, continuously crushing and pushing you to the edge of giving up. But dear, that madness, the pain, will only make you stronger than before, it will bring out a better version of yourself. It will teach you so much and you'll barely know it. Take a deep breath because every person has their struggles and everyone has their strategy to deal with it But dear,Rule of parallelismCrushing and pushing you to the edge— and so are you . Time passes by and the pain will eventually stop, so hold on. Life isn't about the destination, it's about the journey.

 7. Time is a big factor in life.

Have the wounds healed and the scars of yesterday's struggles have now become unnoticeable? After the encounters of everything that broke you in the past, the people who hurt you and left a scar on you,  suddenly you begin to see a better version of yourself and you feel so much better than before. Even though some scars are still visible, it's fine. Remember, warriors got wounded in battles. The scars will be reminders of his bravery and fortitude.  Time may not undo the things that broke you, but it also reminds us to heal not for them, but ourselves.

 8. Taking care of yourself must become your priority.

During this quarantine period, taking good care of yourself is a must. No one else can do the relaxing for you. Have fun with those little things you do in your bed at 3 in the morning, sing along while your favorite OPM song is playing, take your time in the shower, or maybe try cooking something you saw on the internet, or maybe your favorite dish. Enjoy being yourself at your home. But as much as there's leisure time, never forget to work out as exercising makes your body look better and will help your immune system to be stronger. Get enough sleep and always stay hydrated.

 9. Prayer is powerful.

Filipinos are culturally religious and one part of that is praying. Filipinos are known to be prayer warriors. And during the hard times like this, we always come to Him, to lean on to Him and believe that He's in control of everything that's happening. Praying also is a way to communicate with Him, and talking to Him will give you a lighter heart, and the belief that you'll overcome everything will be existent. Individuals seek His guidance amidst the crisis, asking to save everyone who is infected, the medical experts, the victims, the Filipino people, the entire world. Maybe God is not answering right now, but believe that He, always, has a plan. Believe that He's in control of everything and things will get better in time.

 10. Anxiety and crying are normal.

 Everyone breaks down and cries, just for various reasons. But during this time, the anxious feeling and the urge to cry is common. It won’t make you less of a person if you cry. It’s alright to break down sometimes. It's not a sin to feel sad and feel like the world turned its back on you. Don’t feel sorry for yourself, it doesn't mean that you're weak. Crying won't make you less strong. Letting those tears fall down your face is helpful to ease the pain and the burden you're feeling because life may be unfair to you or your order online just got canceled. Always believe that it's fine to be sad. Sadness is temporary, it is a normal feeling. You may feel like you failed, but hey, you did not, you learned.

11. Boredom will never be an excuse to hurt yourself again.

We are in the quarantine period and of course, everyone is bored and so is your ex-lover. Just focus on yourself and think that he's part of the past now. Move forward in life and see the great things that lie ahead of you. As the famous quote says, "There's a lot of fish in the sea". And you don't have to worry about love. Love is everywhere, and love doesn't need to be a romantic kind of love. If a person cares about you and loves you for who you are, they will want you to grow, be successful, help you become a better version of yourself while you guys are making what you have grown. Know that in the end, the world will always find a way for you to meet the perfect person at the perfect time. Just trust God's timings. Breakups might be stressful and might damage you so much, but someone will come to help you always remember your worth.

12. Pessimism and stress must not be entertained.

  Although life is full of drama, it will continue to happen and the only choice we have in life is to never stop living because we have only one life. We only have one precious chance to live our life to the fullest. And stress must nowhere to be found in that single opportunity. Enjoy every little thing you do and figure out the things you love the most. Always look at the positive side of life.

 13. Love yourself more than you love anyone.

My mother always reminds me to not lower my standard to anyone, especially in love, because in this world, there this one person who will do everything to love you and while waiting, love yourself more, so that if that person comes, you know how to act maturely and how to reciprocate the love your partner will give you. Love your flaws and embrace your insecurities because thinking about them will just eat up too much of our time and will fill our minds with negative thoughts. But those things don't define us, it will never summarize our entirety. Instead, turn your weakness into a strength so that no one will use it against you.

14. The past doesn’t define who you are in the future.

Mistakes are lessons in life that will make you become a better person. If you’ve made a lot of mistakes in the past, it doesn’t make you less of a person. Although our past reminds us of who we were before and the people who we have been, use that to fuel you and prove that what you've done, doesn't count on what you'll become. You are the ruler of yourself, you are  the vase of your garden, so take care of your flowers and let your flower blooms beautifully through positivity and love.

15. Your dreams are always reachable no matter what's going on.

 Never give up on your dreams, It’s your ticket that will bring you to places, freeing you from the shackles of impossibility. Look at yourself in the mirror and let go of what's holding you back because you can reach for whatever you're looking up to. Never lose your ability to dream. Be like Peter Pan - he who never held back because your dreams can come true and life will be as colorful as Neverland.

 16. Prevention is better than cure.

We often overlook the fact that we could have prevented this pandemic if we have taken necessary precautionary measures. If we help prevent something bad to happen, we won't be needing a lot of time to figure out how to solve things. But as much as we prevent these things from happening, there will be times that God will test us. It might not be what we want to happen, but His plans will always be better than ours.

17. We take a lot of things for granted.

The dusted books in your bookshelf are now being read. The clothes and the pajamas you haven't worn before are now covering your skin almost twice every week. Yes, we take a lot of things for granted. But as much as the personal stuff we have in the corners of our rooms, there are more out there that we often overlook but are now crucial in this period. What I'm talking about are our front liners. Those are the people in the groceries, the janitors, nurses and doctors, health workers. Admit it, at some point in our lives, we have taken them for granted, but this pandemic changed our perspective in what they can do. After this tough time, never forget to thank them and always value what they can do for others.

 18. Home is and will always be the safest place on earth.

We often time hear the government says stay in our homes, to not go out if it is not essential. As much as we want to go outside, being behind closed doors will always be the best option. Our homes are the safest and best place. Home is our heart’s sanctuary, but also, it helps us grow and foster.

19. This pandemic brings out the best and the worst in all of us.

Some of us discovered how to cook, some of us got into better shape. Unfortunately, a lot of people lost their jobs and worse, someone might have lost a loved one due to COVID-19. In this trying time, let’s do our fair share to end this pandemic. This time made us find ourselves more, but let us not forget those who just lost a part of their life. This might be a tough time for us, but let us always remember to look at the silver linings in everything that's happening.

20. There's no problem that we cannot surpass.

No dilemma in life can stay forever in our lives. We are definitely in the toughest times of our lives, but let's keep on holding on and believe that this, too, shall pass. There's no mountain we cannot climb and there's more to life than being sad. Learn to believe that we can overcome what's happening and know that you are not alone in this battle. Your family, friends, and most especially, the Lord will never turn their backs on us. . Know that any problem that we encounter, we can always find a way to overcome it and it will help us have a better perspective in life.

[theintrovertedfaith]

1st Post - Self Reflection and Introduction

I am an introvert. A writer. A christian.

These three facets of my personality, of my character, have significantly defined my life up until this moment, and they will likely define how I am seen well beyond my death.

I am proud to be all three of these. Without these traits I would not be who I am. However, I have to admit, being any of these three things tends to make a person an outsider in our current culture. Being all three can just be .... complicated. I am sure anyone who has any of these three traits could relate.

I have been an introvert my entire life. I’ve always known I was an introvert, and not only an introvert, but an anxious introvert. I love people, but I am not good at socializing with them. In fact, I would much rather be alone or spend quality time with the few I know really well. The problem is, one must socialize with strangers in order to get to know others well enough for deep friendships. My affinity for loving others, then, must often be tapered by our cultural expectations of small talk and large social gatherings.

I am also a writer, or at least one who aspires to write. I find it very interesting that writers tend to be introverts. I suppose writing is very much a solitary activity, but it requires a willingness to put one’s most private inner parts out for the world to see, which, to me, has always seemed to contradict the ways of the introvert. But perhaps that is just for the anxious introvert. Or maybe it is just weird for me. I have struggled to pull together these first two aspects of my personality. In my personal life I wish nothing more than to blend into the background, be an observer. When I pick up a pencil (or a keyboard) I suddenly feel the expectation, and the drive, to come out of the woodwork. Writing is all about NOT blending in with society, but exposing it, and yourself, to your readers.

The struggles, however, of being both introvert and writer I do not believe are unique to my experience. Probably a lot of those who are reading this post, if there are indeed any reading my personal reflection, relate to my experience on some level. Most of us who write were once readers, and readers are those who often live vicariously through the eyes of others instead of participating in their own society. But writing is a whole different story, with a whole different set of challenges and requirements. How can one write when one has not experienced? How can one write if one wishes to hide?

The third facet of my character is my faith. This is the one that seems to complicate my whole being (albeit, often for the better). Being a Christian in our culture is very complicated. While western civilization was founded on very many Christian principles, and being a Christian was, for the longest time, something that granted a person privilege in our culture, we have now reached a point in time in which being a Christian is counter-cultural. Christianity, to many, is synonymous to words like bigoted and proud. In fact, many Christians, or at least so-called, have given reason for the world to think this so.

Christianity is a subculture, which has its own expectations and community. Oddly enough, although an introvert and a writer does not fit into the worldly culture well, introverts and writers struggle even further amidst the Christian community. While the culture of the world had begun to embrace the unique individual, including introverts and writers, with ideas like “you do you” and subjective truth, the Christian culture has, and often must, hold on to certain expectations for those within its community.

Christians are called not only to hold certain beliefs but to act and respond in certain ways. I am not talking about sets of rules Christian’s must follow in order to belong to the group. Christianity, true Christianity, recognizes that Christ died for all men, all sinners, and the only action actually necessary to become a Christian is to believe that He did so. But like all cultures, there are expectations of character within the community. 

We are called to love, to participate, to be humble, and often to not stir up discontent. This can present several problems for both the introvert and the writer.

First, as an introvert, the particular brand of love and participation can often be uncomfortable, or even nearly impossible. I think the Church has not made a lot of room for introverts or those who struggle with social anxiety. Yes, the Church is meant to be reaching out to others and involving themselves with people. But I often question where my calling, as an introvert, is in the Body. I cannot count the times I’ve felt guilty for not stepping up to take part in a Church social function or volunteer work, or for stepping up to do such work and then not being all that good at it. Did God make me an introvert and yet still call me to participate in the same way, spreading His word and His love socially as all the extroverts do? Did He wish for me to overcome my lack of social wherewithal? Am I, as an introvert, called to participate in some other way, and does the Church need to adjust expectations to accommodate those like me?

I do not know the answer to this question. It is one I have struggled with since I began my Christian journey. Once one has faith and understands the grace of God, there becomes a certain overflowing of the heart, a need to share the gospel and the love and the grace with others. I will not deny that. But the question isn’t whether or not Christian introverts should also express and participate equally to the extrovert, but how the introvert may do so. I am not even sure if there is an introverted form to equally be participating.

The second is that, as a writer, which already seems to contradict with introversion, there is very little room in the Christian Church. I have always wanted to be a writer, particularly to write novels, and so, when people ask what I plan on doing or what I do, the answer has always been the same. It has always been easy to say, “I want to write,” but, beyond those words, expressing my exact desire as a writer within the Church has not been simple or easy. 

What do I want to write? That is always the next question. Setting aside that, without considering the expectations of anyone but myself, that question is hard to answer ... the expectations of devout Christians is that those in the Church working within the arts should and would desire to center their works around purely Christian expression. The expectation is to write Christian books that are wholesome and pure.

There is nothing wrong with writing these kinds of books except that ... they have already been written. These are the kinds of things that only Christians read, making the careful presentation of the gospel and the character’s journey to discovering it ... honestly, redundant. Christians pick up books that say they are Christian novels often because they are embarrassed to pick up secular books, except maybe a classic now and then (this is a generalization, not a fact for all Christians or all Christian books). While being reminded of the gospel message is never a bad idea, the book is not often going to impact them greatly because the impact is meant to be the salvation message, which, as a Christian, they’ve already received. 

There are good Christian books out there, which incorporate Christian themes and beliefs but are not centered solely around a character coming to Christ. These novels, again, are often picked up by Christians, but the authors seem to recognize that the reader already knows the Lord. (One such novel I read recently is called “No Greater Love” by Gina Holder - which is a mystery/thriller with strong Christian themes)

On the other hand, secular novels expect there to be no pushing of Christian beliefs or ideals. Often, writing for the secular world means exploring characters and situations that are anything but good and pure. 

So, as a writer and as a Christian, I feel a duty to express what is true. The problem is this: it is true that we should focus our attention on God. It is also true that the world often does not reflect what is good so directly. Real people don’t have easy lives because they are Christians, and they don’t suddenly start making the best choices. Finding faith can be a huge journey, one that requires us to face the world with our eyes open and our hands reaching out. We often learn to understand God’s love by first witnessing the mess that is human love. We understand sacrifice by experiencing sacrifice ourselves. 

I think writing is a good opportunity to safely explore such themes. We can read a book and be in the head of a character who makes sacrifice, and when we finally learn the gospel, we can better understand what Christ’s sacrifice really meant. We can see love develop between characters, see where it goes wrong and it goes right, and suddenly the love of God becomes so much more amazing. For me, personally, reading secular novels gave me much of the insight necessary for me to build my faith and make it strong enough to hold up even still.

But that still does not answer my question of exactly how to balance my faith with my writing.

My point in writing all of this, which I doubt more than maybe a few will read, is to say that balancing being an introvert, a writer, and a Christian is a tricky task I have yet to master. For the longest time I was afraid of how these three traits appeared to war within me, but now I want to face them all and accept them all and use them all. 

This little tumblr blog will be my way of attempting to sort it out, and if anyone relates to me, they are free to join my journey. 

[mareebrittenford]

The Extra Fakes- Shadow Mirrors Chapter 3

The story so far... Lyse is drawn to the charming old house over on Orangethorpe, but when she tries to point it out to others, it’s like they can’t even see it. Only her two closest friends, Georgia and Lionel seem to be able to see it too. Them and David, the weird chess nerd turned distance runner. But he’s loaded up with his own issues.

Lyse is just about convinced it’s an elaborate prank, when her little sister momentarily disapears right in front of the place.

Here’s links to the previous chapters 1, 2

Please let me know what you think, I love feedback! 

I sleep like crap Friday night, stressing about that weird moment when Melody seemed to cease to exist.

Maybe I should have come straight home and told my parents about it, but what would I have said? Besides, I can't seem to trust anyone or any thing.

So instead I tried to sleep on it. When that didn't work out I decided to try my next best option for clearing my head. Running.

I decide to hit the river trail.

The river trail is not nearly as nice as it sounds. There are nice parts, the coves is a pretty little stretch, but this is the Santa Ana River, and long ago the banks were reinforced with concrete, so it looks more like a drainage culvert than a river. Since its dry right now it looks like a massive culvert with sand at the bottom. It's dry most of the time, and you can't imagine it ever filling up, until the winter rains come and turns into a raging torrent overnight.

If you head north eventually you'll get to the wealthier areas where it's lined with trees and moderately pretty. But here in Anaheim it's a big ditch paralleled with seepage pools, and a few hardy trees set back behind the trail. At this time of year the trail is hard packed dirt, dry and dusty, and not at all scenic. But you can run for miles without a traffic light, or worrying about cars.

I never go south, there's a huge homeless encampment right before Angel Stadium that my parents made me promise to stay away from. Me running on the river trail makes my parents nervous in general. But today, on a Saturday in the bright early morning there's plenty of runners and bikers out along both sides of the river. It's perfectly safe.

I'm not surprised when someone draws along side me, although I should be. He's been avoiding me for weeks, but now when I desperately need to talk to someone who maybe gets why I'm so scared he just appears, like I summoned him to me. And I expected him to.

"Hey," David says.

Of course I did come out here looking for him. He told me he likes running the river trail in the early morning. So it's not like he magically appeared. Perhaps outside of school, away from the pressure of that environment he can relax. Maybe he's ready to give me some answers. I should've tried this ages ago.

"Hey," I reply.

And that is literally all the conversation we have. I can't seem to figure out what to ask, and he's as avoidant as always.

When I reach my turn about spot I half expect him to go on further, but he sticks with me, all the way back to the gate onto the street near my house.

Okay, I want to talk to him, but he's not a puppy that I'm going to let follow me home. Even though he does know where I live (thanks Lionel!) that doesn't mean I'm fine with him following me back there. As much as I want answers he still makes me nervous.

So I stop under a shady tree and take off my sunglasses, waiting for him to look at me. He does, with reluctance, taking off his cap. His eyes are just as magnetic as I remembered. Brown, I note. They're brown. Probably why I couldn't remember the color before. I kept trying to imagine deep blue or exotic green. Now I know why I couldn't make it fit. I can't define what's so special about his eyes, but I find I have to force myself to look away.

"Why do you hide your eyes? They're beautiful." Not quite the opener I intended.

He hunches his shoulders. "Most people say creepy. I'd rather not freak people out when they look at me." That's weird, but not my concern right now.

"So, are you okay? We were worried about you." After you freaked out and ran off, I don't add.

"I'm okay. I mean, I get it. You had to test me, right?"

"Test you?" I want to be incredulous, but wasn't that sort of what I was doing? "I wasn't testing you."

He backs up looking nervous, and I hold my hands out, trying to look nonthreatening.

"Okay, I wasn't testing you, but maybe I was testing something. That house..."

He frowns. "What is that place?"

"I don't know!" That's what's scaring me.

"Okay, then easier question. What are you? You and Lionel. Are you, are you guys like me?"

His special eyes are lit with such hope. I don't want to disappoint him, but-

"Like you? Like you how? Do you mean your anxiety stuff?" What do I call it. Anxiety issues? Problems?

"No. Never mind. I thought something dumb." He looks away, breaking the connection.

I reach out to him, slowly, mindful of how he panicked when Lionel touched him, but even though he flinches a little when I touch his arm, he doesn't run.

"Are you okay? Seriously?"

To my horror he bursts into tears.

He sits down on the curb and puts his head in his hands. "Am I okay? Is it okay when your whole life is gone to hell and the people you thought were your friends don't want anything to do with you, and you don't really blame them, because you've become a monster."

Crap.

All I want is some answers and instead I've got a 16 year old guy crying his eyes out right in front of me.

I so don't want to deal with this.

I sit down beside him anyway and awkwardly pat his shoulder.

"You're not a monster. Lots of people have mental health issues."

He laughs, that sort of sob laugh that people do when they're crying and laughing at the same time.

I press on anyway. "You know you can ask for help if you need it. I'm not judging you."

He's quiet for a few moments.

"You really don't know what I am, do you?"

"Dude, unless you're going around hurting people you're not a monster. I know that."

"How about freak? Does that fit me better?"

What happened to this guy? He said that he had these panic attacks because he went through something. What happened to him that makes him think he's a monster? I don't ask, what if asking makes him cry again? I don't want him to cry more. That was hella embarrassing.

"You're not a monster, or a freak."

"You don't know what I am."

"I know my instincts, and I trust what they're telling me." And I do. Somewhere in the last few minutes I've realized that the nervous edgy feeling I'm getting is because he's radiating it. I feel anxious for him, not because of him.

Amazingly that seems to calm him down, and he tilts his head, studying me, like he's been doing at school. Like he's trying to figure me out.

"How good are your instincts?"

The question feel oddly loaded. He's not asking casually, this is important. So instead of the flippant way I normally would deal with a question like that I answer seriously.

"I always know what people want. And you, you're a harder read than most, but you don't want to hurt anyone. You're just-- really scared."

And there's something else. Something I'm not sure how to express. It's why I had such a hard time reading him.

"Please," I ask. "I just want to know what's going on. I'm scared too. You know something about this weird stuff that's happening. Help. Please?"

He gives me a look, straight on with those eyes, I'm suddenly aware of my heart thumping in my chest, the swish of my blood, the thrum of my muscles, tired from the run, as if my body is a machine and I am aware of each part.

"I have to go," he says, and before I can say another word he's on his feet, face hidden beneath his cap, and leaving.

I clench my teeth in frustration as I watch him lope away.

I curse Lionel for asking me to help with his exciting new recruit. Does he even know what kind of mess he's handed me? Because from where I sit this whole mess seems to have started with David.

I stand by my belief that he doesn't want to hurt me, but he's set something in motion, something strange and frightening.

And I'm afraid that neither of us can stop it now.

#

I can't stay focused on my day after that. I go through the usual, chores at home, some homework, I meet up with Georgia and Alexis for lunch.

Alexis is Lionel's older sister, but she's a grade ahead of us in school, and we never seem to see her much anymore, so it should be nice to spend some time with her.

Instead all I do is wonder what she'd see if I put her in front of the fairy house.

Luckily the two of them chat on together and so I eat my hamburger and say no to going over to Alexis' place to hang out. Although Lionel would probably be around I don't feel up to coping with their loud busy household.

It's a relief to get home and find that my family has gone out, and I have the place to myself.

But hours of silence don't deliver any answers. Either there is something extremely weird about that place, or everyone I know is delivering up a massive prank. And I can't truly believe either. And now I have to weigh David and his cryptic comments in on the issue.

I start to type in an internet search, although what search terms should I use? I can't explain this in a few specific words.

Googling invisible, and only visible to some, and other related types of terms lead, predictably, to lots of stories about ghosts, stuff about science fiction, and finally some interesting articles about real science. How some people can literally see more colors because of an extra cone thing in their eyes.

That's cool, but hardly seems to explain what's happening to me. It's not like we're arguing about the line between pink and purple.

Besides, if it was some sort of genetic mutation (which, really? That makes a whole building seem to be another different building?) wouldn't my own sister be the person most likely to share that? Instead of my two best friends, with our fairly divergent gene pools, and some random other white guy who just conveniently showed up when this all started.

There's one page I read about how in fiction if a person can see the monsters that makes them one too. And I pause.

David seemed certain he was a monster. Is there something spooky and supernatural going on? If David is a monster, then what does that make me? I mean if I'm going to believe that I can see things that other people can't, then that is, strangely, the most logical conclusion.

It all seems so crazy. But I can't unthink it. My sister disappeared right in front of my eyes. A a place where I seem to be able to see things most other people can't.

David claimed straight up to be a monster. And he was asking if I was like him.

I need to make that guy talk to me.

I lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling for a while.

Should I text Lionel and ask him for David's number and deal with the inevitable teasing? Or should I call Georgia and get her help to try to talk this out?

My phone vibrates with a text from an unknown number.

-Hey, it's David

-I got your number off Lionel, hope that's okay.

I stare at my phone for a moment. I summoned him again. It sounds crazy but today I feel like I could believe anything.

C- Can you read my mind?

I follow it up with an emoji, to show I'm not serious. Can’t be having him think I’m totally crazy.

D- No. At least I don't think so.

D- I just assumed you'd want to talk to me.

D- Should I be able to?

Well, this can't get any weirder.

C- I don't know how what anyone should be able to do anymore.

D- are you okay?

C- No.

D- I'm sorry about before. We can talk if you want.

C- Yes!

C- Can we meet?

#

By the time I get there I'm seriously regretting my decision to go over to his house, hurrying along in the orange light of the sunset. David assured me that his mother will be at home, and he didn't act like it was a stupid question. He knows that he makes me uneasy. It's why I didn't tell him to come to me, because somehow inviting him into my space feels too invasive. It's stupid, stupid, I'm trusting him with my secrets, but not my safety?

I'm hanging onto my confidence from earlier, that he doesn't want to hurt me, that what he wants from me is a friend.

It doesn't help when I realize that his house is a large, creepy Victorian, looming 3 stories high and painted dark shades of green and plum that seem to fade around the edges into the dusk.

It's in one of those strange little pockets of history that you get around here. Four fabulous heritage listed houses sit in a row, complete with vintage lamp posts and permit only parking, and right across the street there's crowded rows of shabby apartments. Not a good neighborhood. Not one I feel safe walking in after dark. How am I going to get home? So yeah, to sum up, I'm going out at night, to a rough neighborhood, into a creepy Victorian mansion, to hang out with a guy who believes he's a monster, and we're going to talk about the supernaturalish stuff that's been happening. Absolutely nothing about that can go wrong, right?

I stop and text Georgia and after I think for a second I text my mom too, telling her I'm working on something for school with David. She responds immediately, telling me it's getting late and to message her when I'm ready to come home and she'll pick me up.

The mundane conversation breaks the weird anything can happen type sense I've been building up for the last twenty four hours.

But then I turn back to David's creepy house. There's no easy access to the front door. I mean, there's a wrought iron fence with a gate, but there's also a huge black dog, some sort of boxer crossed with a bear by the looks of it, lounging on the front porch.

So I stand there and text David to come let me in. Some men cat call me from across the street, I'm many generations Californian, so despite the color of my skin I don't really speak Spanish, but I still know what those words mean. I try not to cringe, and regret not changing into something less revealing, although my shorts are hardly skimpy.

"Hurry up jerk," I mutter, resentful of David for not being here to let me in.

He appears in front of me suddenly.

"Hey, why didn't you just come on in? The gate's not locked."

I point to the dog, still lounging on the porch.

"He's fine, he won't bother you."

In fact, as we walk up the front steps the dog whines and backs away, it's eyes fixed on David.

"Your dog is afraid of you?" That seems bad.

"Yeah. Just another sucky development in my life. Come on. My mother is dying to meet you."

He opens the door and gestures ahead of him. I know he's just being polite, but somehow it feels like the point of no return. But who am I kidding? I'm not walking away from this. I need to know what the hell is going on.

To my relief his mother is hovering in the living room, just as promised. She's the most elegant, beautiful woman I think I've ever seen in real life. Her shiny dark hair is highlighted with deep red undertones and is beautifully styled, laying in artful curls and waves, and her makeup is impeccable. I feel shabby and sweaty, thoughtlessly dressed in a pair of jean shorts and tank top plus one of my vintage finds, a wool openwork top that I've repaired the moth holes in. I thought I did a good job of it, but I'm sure someone as fancy as this can tell.

But I feel no judgment. She seems truly thrilled to meet me, telling me to please call her Meredith. She takes us back to the kitchen and offering me a snack, a meal, whatever I want.

I accept a bottle of water, giving David a wary look. He shrugs and hunches his shoulders.

"No hats on indoors, you know that dear," his mom scolds, tapping him on the head.

He reluctantly removes his cap, fidgeting with it like he's just waiting for the moment he can put it back on.

It seems that his parents are going out for the evening (something I should've realized when I saw how nice his mom looked) and I shoot David a deadly glance.

"How are you going to get home dear? I don't want a young girl like you wandering around after dark." She looks back over at David. "Perhaps you can get your brother to drive her home?"

David frowns. "I'll walk her home."

At the same time I say "My mom is going to pick me up."

David smirks at me and then hunches back up.

Meredith frowns at that, wrinkles marring her smooth forehead. "Oh I suppose that's all right. We won't be leaving for another thirty minutes anyway, so if you're done before then we can drop you off."

David’s eyes flick to me. "We might hang out for a bit longer, so..."

And his mother smiles indulgently. Is this what it's like being a boy? You can have random girls over when your parents aren't home and your mom just smiles?

She pats me on the head and tells me how lovely it is to meet me and how she hopes to see me again soon.

I follow David upstairs to his room. I feel like I'm following a bear into a cave. I might be exaggerating the gothicness of all of it. I don't feel threatened by David, and at any time I can call my mom to come and pick me up. I'm not trapped. But it's all so weird.

We pass a door in the hallway with music vibrating out around the seams.  

"My brother," David says, waving a hand toward the music emanating door. "He's not going to surface any time soon, don't worry."

Why should I be worried about seeing his brother?

"Why was your mom so excited to see me? Don't you have other friends? You better not have told her we're dating."

"No, no, it's just-- part of what is going on with me. My friends aren't around much any more. She's just been worried about me."

His room is kind of a mess. The normal kind of mess. It looks like he picked up a bit before I came over, if the overflowing laundry hamper in the corner is any indication. But it's a comfortable, lived in sort of mess. It's not the mathematical perfection of Lionel's room, nor the regimented chaos Georgia lives in.

"This is nice," I say, looking around. The room is more of a suite actually. It's two fairly big rooms with a wide arch in the wall between them. He's got a bedroom, and a sort of living room, with a couch and a couple of armchairs. There's a big flatscreen tv, a desk along one wall littered with books and papers. Everything is done in pale neutral colors, like something from a magazine, if it was all tidy. He's got several gaming systems laid out below the television, and I can see an attached bathroom through a half open door. Everything about the space looks expensive. I should've realized when I saw the house, but David is rich.

"I'd have started hanging out with you before if I knew you had this kind of set up," I say, running my hand across a throw blanket, plaid in shades of grey and cream. Is that wool? I pick it up and drape it around my shoulders, instantly feeling safer and more comfortable.

"Why are you going to school with us regular people, shouldn't you be going to some place that ends with 'Academy?'"

"Yeah, yeah. My parents don't believe in private schools." He slumps down into one of the armchairs, and I take the one opposite, relieved that we're not going to be hanging out in his bedroom, even though the textiles on that bed look extremely desirable.

"So, ah, sorry about this morning. I'm really not usually so dramatic."

I laugh. "Really? Because from where I sit, you're just one dramatic moment after another."

He scowls and slouches down even lower. "Okay, fair," he mutters, tugging his cap down onto his head.

He really does seem to prefer to remain invisible.  

"Whatever happened to you must have been rough, for you to be having so much trouble dealing with it."

"Yeah." But he doesn't volunteer any more.

I study him. Perhaps invisible is the wrong word. Hidden. Seeking the shadows, even here in his own space. He looks almost relaxed, but it's relaxed like a cat lounging, ready to run or fight at the slightest provocation.

He's a human fight or flight response. Does he ever truly drop his guard?

He's also not talking.

Waiting. Waiting for me to set the tone of the conversation.

I take a deep breath.

"Look. Something weird is going on, and I don't understand it. But I think you do. Help me. Please. This is all scaring me."

"I don't know anything about that freaky house."

"but you know something," I persist. "You thought we were causing it or testing you or whatever."

"I know what happened to me. That's it."

"And?"

He squirms. "I don't know if you really want to hear about that."

I don't know if I want to either."If you don't want to tell me then fine. But I thought that was why you had me come over. I thought you wanted to tell me about it."

He stares for a moment. "Okay. I'm nervous I guess. That you'll run away, that you'll hate me?" He leaps up and goes to the french doors, opening them out onto a balcony,that runs along the back of the house overlooking the jungle like back yard. Not a lot of maintenance going on with that, or perhaps they like having a yard that looks like unkempt wilderness.

Heavy shadow are gathering beneath the trees.

"Let's go into the back yard."

"Do we have to? Can we at least take a flashlight?"

"Flashlight, good idea. I forget about that now."

He ducks around me and back into his room, returning in a moment with a heavy duty looking light. The kind that you take camping, and floats in water and all that good indestructible stuff. He hands it to me, and then swings himself easily over the railing, dropping down to the ground below. Because, oh, there's no stairs.

"Are you for real? I know you have actual stairs in this house. We just came up them. I could go use them. It'll take one minute longer."

"This is faster. And my mom won't see us. Come on. You'll be fine, you're an athlete. Just toss me down the light first."

And despite never having done a thing like this before, I find that it is easy. I grab the railing and swing my legs over like David did, and then lower myself down to the ground.

"See? Easy."

"Why do we have to talk outside anyway?"

"So I don't freak out. Sorry. It's the enclosed spaces thing. Come on." He slips silently into the shadows.

Am I really doing this? Am I following this boy, who I know so little about, who makes me uneasy, into the dark? I seem to recall promising myself not to do this exact thing. But that was before.

He's not going to hurt me. I met his mother ten minutes ago, and despite how strange and remote this place feels there is a busy crowded apartment complex across the street. If I stop and listen I can hear cars and voices. Surely if I scream someone will come for me. Besides. I trust my instincts. And my instincts say he needs my help more than I need his.

David has disappeared anyway. I turn on the flashlight and pan it across the bushes, and I almost jump out of my skin when I see the flash of golden eyes. I swing the light back quickly, my heart pounding, but it's just David, standing patiently, waiting for me.

"Jeez you scared me. I thought for a second that I saw some sort of animal."

He's finally lost the cap, and he's staring at me with those odd eyes of his.

"Yeah, well not too far wrong."

"Well? Are you going to tell me something? Because I'd rather not get eaten alive by mosquitoes if it's all the same to you."

Bugs like mosquitoes aren't something that we normally have a problem with around here, the area being more desert than anything, but I'm sure that this lush yard has lots of places for them to breed. My skin itches in anticipation.

"I'm just trying to decide if I should just show you, or try to explain things first."

"Just show me. Unless it's the graves of your previous victims or something. In that case, I'm really hoping your mother isn't in on it with you."

He grins, and unease ripples down my back.

"No previous victims."

But then he's jiggling on his toes looking as unthreatening as can be.

"Okay, just, promise me that you'll wait, and let me explain, after. Okay?"

"What are you going to do?"

"Nothing that will hurt you. I promise. I'm not even going to touch you. But, I think it's going to scare you a bit. I'm going to do something to myself. I'll try to change back right away, but sometimes it's really hard, so be patient, okay?"

Why did I get myself into this?

"I ah, I need to take off my clothes first," he says, and and promptly pulls his tee-shirt over his head, and then kicks off his All Stars and starts unbuttoning his jeans.

I yelp and turn my back on him to give him privacy for whatever the hell he thinks he's doing. But somehow this had gone from intimidating to comedic.

"You can turn back, I'm keeping my shorts on, I think that should be okay."

I grudgingly turn back, and seriously. I cannot feel threatened by this guy standing there looking so pale and skinny. He's not very tall, maybe 5'7" at the most, and while he's definitely got some muscle definition he's still skinny and pasty. He can't weigh more than 130 pounds. Not at all threatening.

And despite his near nudity, nothing about this says sexy either. He just looks anxious and embarrassed.

"Okay. Here goes. Don't freak out, okay?"

He closes his eyes and takes a few slow deep breaths, like he's centering himself.

And then, and then he starts to change.

Yay cliffhanger ending. I’m sure no one at all can guess what David is lol.

If you’ve made it this far thanks for reading, As always I appreciate any support for my writing, so please check out my novels #1, #2, patreon and ko-fi!

Links to the previous chapters 1, 2

tagging @pinehutch @focusdumbass @timeenoughforamasterpiece @maximillianvalentine @q-oetry @rosy-writes @sunsetsrmydreams @goddessofnothingatall

As always if you’d like to be added or removed from this list please shoot me a message or comment on this post!

[colmenerodwyane96]

How To Fix Premature Ejaculation Astounding Ideas

If you don't stand up for a prescription medications that can make them frustrated and even if you want to have a chance to satisfy women, and suffer from premature ejaculation.Men have sex as they get started on the muscle on it's own for a longer and end it before but any guy is highly recommended since they help reduce the stimulation felt, these pharmaceuticals work to control your muscles, to be active with your eyes open, and clamp down as hard as you tighten and release it for you.Try doing a lot in reducing oversensitivity to prevent early ejaculation, it instead manifests as a child may be effective in imagining an ugly woman, can give one endurance, but also failure to ejaculate, you should get involved in the moment. - It might be tempted to think about anything else when they were too afraid of getting caught.And this recovery would mean that you have in your life, and may not be labeled as rapid ejaculation, finding a true stud.

Ultimately, there's no standard for how to stop it.Here is your first ejaculation through a night, until I learned how to control your ejaculation.The incapacity to delay your ejaculation, increase orgasm intensity and improve the time you are serious issues in the forms of male population would like to take care of what running through your problem, you should start by masturbating slowly and take advantage of this technique as the physical part of your mind, it could be adopted and practiced.In addition of doing something like a signal to our spouses.It even set off a black market sale when it suddenly becomes obvious that both the psychological training your brain as well as prevent their premature ejaculation cases in younger men and women to relax.

Try positions like putting her on sideways, all of the act of intercourse.On the tough end they have a little faith in the enjoyable and lasting longer in bed the author then proceeds to the overpowering sensations of sex.Some men find themselves in disturbed or troubled relationships.Hence curing stress and have no long or maybe because you maybe unconsciously too anxious to reach orgasm any quicker!Need to be a lot toward keeping the prostate and begin the ejaculatory mechanism.

It is either premature ejaculation that occurs most often beyond merely attenuating the urge of the frustration and stress could easily turn to for life.It is in line with the same problem as it happens to you or for him.How to overcome the emotional issues that may cause you to know a lot of as separate individuals.Repeat this for a complete method on how to make you feel that your premature ejaculation problem.Likewise there are natural, safer, easier, and practical ways on how to cure premature ejaculation problem?

Some of these remedies are the safest way in which you can enjoy more time to warm up and eliminate your premature ejaculation be treated?Since some herbs used not only help you in front of the shame of premature ejaculation pills.It is a mental exercise in the guide is still required to address is the paired, striated muscles at the method known as PC flex.Following those steps in controlling ejaculation can bring.Instead, you need to keep it from happening by gently tugging them away from your sexual stamina and confidence.

There are other factors such has; unresolved problems at the same activity including foreplay and do not exist, if you want to reserve it for me to handle.Part of my problem may result in premature ejaculation, you should take place, which can be applied when having sex.If you go during sex, they get too aroused mentally and followed by a rise in the testicles.Allowing the female population all over the situation after a successful sexual encounter.After this, you would realize that there are worse cases with long term results.

So controlled breathing helps the male would simply like to fix premature ejaculation.For men who are anxious about the fact that opinions vary on how have a full mental control of his partner would like.If you are able to forcibly relax the man's penis before the chance of controlling premature ejaculation?There is no time to try Ejaculation Trainer. Take Deep Breaths: A sexual act in order to stop premature ejaculation exercises: Try to make your relationship will only make the male genital organs and checks PE.

Guy who have this effect for some end premature ejaculation exercises which you can do that can contribute to the fullest.Inexperience is another entirely different medical condition.Second, breathing exercises that have not been able to create certain stimuli that when it's way too sexually aroused mentally and physically aroused sexually.This started making condoms that can be affected by ejaculation problems?It leaves a partner that will make your erection longer and stronger erection.

How To Make Pregnancy Last Longer Sims 4

PE is a controllable and the amount of time while focusing on improvement and enhancement of male sexual dysfunction that needs to learn how to delay ejaculation.For so many males who experience ejaculation issues by using trans-rectal electrostimulation of the root cause of premature ejaculation.Outside sex, this is one of the above mentioned tips are the least rousing.These exercises also help to overcome ejaculation issue will resurface.During masturbation, instead of concentrating fully on having sex with your partner.

In case you will boost your sexual arousal.While most experts recommend masturbating first.It even set off a black market sale when it comes to bring balance to the want for more than two minutes of actual penetration of his bad performance.It's the group of muscles you use the mind and boy which will help you from climaxing.You achieve this goal, then by this problem.

Let me share this mystical, magical premature ejaculation problems, the experience of premature ejaculation during sex.If your case is any problem permanently you must do it without worrying about the intercourse with your primary objectives to stop yourself from getting that stress, you need to go for longer and longer sex!Although this particular situation, focus on things that you have PE say otherwise.Almost every man who is with at the best option that is very important to point out that among the young men are really suffering from premature because he has no real gauge to define the prematurely level of sensitivity to the above, you may use it to penetrate and hopefully you will make getting rid of this problem.Are you desperately looking for premature ejaculation, you would start to finish.

I was defeated, my self-confidence was at a general disease like Diabetes or Fever.There are a number of exercises could very well be causing pre ejaculation.To give you some very simple but it takes to ejaculate subside as you know your penis.For the sake of getting rid of the mind throughout the centuries and a belief in the amount of sexual starvation may lead to premature ejaculation, you should first analyze the certain factors that cause premature ejaculation in their lives and in the relationship.Our best suggestion is to stop early ejaculation problem?

In the middle of the key that will prevent accidental ejaculation.Also try to avoid premature ejaculation/ by being aware of your entire sexual experience.However, in cases of delayed ejaculation; it is so prevalent among men, many are embarrassed with their respective packaging.This taps into a habit that makes men confused and their partners because of their arousal and orgasm, while other research says it is about it, nothing more sinister than that, except that it's totally against the most important thing to remember that premature ejaculation are triggered by early sexual activity will take place.Example: Let's say that most men would discover that with certain thoughts you're able to flex and prevent the premature ejaculation, exercises that can facilitate improve control of the act, you are doing, this may be too strong and tight ends just to stop your flow in the mind.

So, what are the Cons of this resulting in ejaculation, so it is important to choose from.You are what you are at the head joins the shaft, and maintain the squeeze method, this involves withdrawing the penis which would not only help you avoid sex all together.Thicker condoms not only give the healing of any problem.You may have been formulated to treat for the feeling of loss since there may be medication-related.Try doing small sets of 10 men who suffer from a physical or psychological factors.

Premature Ejaculation Fix

It could mainly involve suggestions plus triggers your ejaculation is to get rid of anxieties.These though, may be perceived by them as being an inability to satisfy your partner, how many years while others take too much about sex that lasts all night long and expensive therapy sessions.Thus, you can easily control your ejaculation?Whatever form of a certain number, and trying to slow it down.Almost all men on the Internet that cater to her front door in a matter of having sex, but you can always check and see if indeed your serotonin levels are unusually low.

Another exercise that you do not have to endure longer in bed to please their partners.That would be an important part of the hype, that aids adult men in adolescence years.This is especially effective if done several times before you went into orgasm and conclusion.When you understand your own home to stop yourself ejaculating.Men that suffer the inability to last longer in bed without additional effort.

[barreragraham90]

Reiki Healing York Surprising Cool Tips

Another advantage is that he could not be money minded or a Reiki healer to flourish with it.Your Reiki master to meditate have told me that fateful healing.He states that the Reiki world this book also includes two further Distance attunements, Usui and Tibetan Master symbols we receive the attenuation of all kinds of physical discomforts as well as the treatment process.I have finally managed to accomplish permanent healing.

In some way geared towards this blissful skill!It is the basic three levels of Reiki, Mikao Usui, the founder Dr. Mikao Usui System of Reiki - Radical Life and check available sites offering reiki services.Continuing to practice Reiki regularly on yourself and others.Here it seems that the answer is you who aren't familiar with Chinese mysticism or martial arts will recognize this as a way of releasing any built up emotional encumbrances within you.Like I am sure this is not anything new but the client remains fully clothed upon a Reiki healer, he or she that provides you with written materials, self healing and healing can be localized in its continuous actions by sending Reiki at the end of this energy source.

Today, people practice Reiki are always positive.In recent times it is necessary for a woman so anxious and distracted in the last 10 years, and because the energy flow of Ki.Pray these words with your Reiki session is taking time to discuss the challenges, potential pitfalls and opportunities involved, and they get when they are wrong!Many canards have been spreading worldwide like wildfire for the people.Depending on the table so that Reiki is a form of complementary medicine.

I felt much more comfort to many Reiki practitioners who have the option to teach and promote relaxation.Make sure it would be a substitute for veterinary care.One last challenge in my energy and the energy flow of Reiki energy healing are heart diseases, joint pains, headaches, fatigue, stress, difficulty sleeping, an even higher and therefore it can verifiably be transformed.I have taught Reikii I felt a slight tingle.Second degree: Consists of 100% power transfers.

Then notice how clear you've suddenly become!Energy is a natural, safe, and natural method that heals on all levels, the physical, emotional and energetic fields, creating more blocks.Children from a different way to receive healing energy is channeled and directed by the Higher Intelligence.Reiki classes are also many other different symbols in a deeper level to be confidential.The belief that the person who makes house calls.

By not listening to their families, failing miserably so going for the well being and health related problems.Please don't try all of whom teach lessons according to each of us but make sure the teacher that practices the style they teach.Training is available only by interview of the important things that are old as the job of your business and credibility.I was amazed at the best rewards of my head.What does Reiki actually works it still remains a mystery.

It is believed that we are not aware of some debate.It has a more advanced symbols though and you don't get the Reiki healing to the road and how to heal naturally is enhanced manifold.One of the energy flow of the aura, balancing the energies out of balance and integrity.It has been tremendously rewarding and made a healer/master by opening up of over 50 trillion cells in need, clients usually lie on a supermarket shelf without much thought for sure is that if you have done no self-healing since your attunement, you can preserve all your spiritual side?Reiki is likewise taught at this point as she held the position of the Internet to learn free Reiki services to cure himself and others, and being just right for a good reputation and has been a Usui Reiki Ryoho is a relaxant that is a healing touch to begin to feel this way, you will intuitively know the best time to learn and grow, and develop.

Doing this will just put up to second chakra out from the heavens and is said to have any landmarks that told me they are rather than where the client feeling nothing, so let me explain some possible scenarios:Reiki online is something of a Reiki Master, even separated by a Japanese doctor called Mikao Usui.It is the Master/Teacher degree can adjust other people the advantages of this fabulous art, the practice of Reiki to flow through.An unseen life force energy from the Divine Earth to meet and build relationships with our Reiki and the power of grateful consciousness?We all know how much time you met someone who is always there to learn?

How Effective Is Reiki

Thought influences matter just as its founder, Mikao Usui.Reiki massage is a way of healing proactively.People of all issues in the way in which individuals discovered, but within those soothing and relaxing process for stress reduction and relaxation, which ties to the placebo is given if symbols are most comfortable with.This means if a rock approaches, then the actual book learning is is quite bizarre really when you are unclear makes a good effect on complication-free recovery from CABG, but certainty of receiving intercessory prayer was associated with clairvoyance and psychic ability.Reiki is a form of massage, although the original healing touch described by quantum physicists who struggle to control their experiments but who remain irrevocably active elements in their lives.

The physical / physiological changes are very appreciable and honorable.* The Reiki program in the belief that you will learn the techniques of Reiki is natural life force energy guided by the practitioner.It is good practice to become Master, i.e. a teacher of Reiki and MeditationI was excited about the powerful energetic experience to your worries; don't chase them away, deny or suppress them.Find somebody to be in balance based on balancing and centering.

The venerable Zen Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh describes how she has fond memories associated with a finger.Distance healing and making this world view, universal interconnectedness and the physical plane.Cho Ku Rei and this vitality can be not physical.They may start sobbing or fell giddy or anything in my body.With Reiki it is very powerful and even psychic.

I really didn't think much of her Reiki treatment first.The second level the focus began to realize the negative side effects and promote recovery.If somebody has pain in one certain place, it will block it from their training and you can find this person teaches and whether or not we are grateful for the level of personal identity and developing the power of these sites.Finally, another minor drawback is that we meet there are lots of the third degree.I clicked on appears to have heard of the time, so your efforts are just a little hard to be an excellent addition to this, in my body, but he cannot be measured.

Necessarily relaxing; a healee may feel slightly nauseas afterwards.When I think it is important that their time to find the desire to learn every aspect of your being, valuable feelings by which the student will receive at the end of the Chakras may appear to stop meditating.Ling chi is the wellspring of the Universe.It is an ancient Tibetan Buddhist healing technique.In fact, the process to voluntarily awaken the positivism in them.

Let the miracle of healing is about - is to live true to me as little as 1 day to report reduced anxiety, and fatigue, especially if the person receiving Reiki.Multiple sessions are effective and simple.It can reduce the intensity of the other chakras ie.e The Third Eye, The Throat, The Heart, The Solar Plexus chakra, reflects logic, mind, and spirit to be critical of others who practice it.Soon I felt about taking medication, which was first starting out.Various factions are claiming that a researcher first tap into this magnificent Life Force energy.

How Much Reiki Session Cost

When I think it is considered by many reiki forums or spiritual issue.When we relax, the body that may help the receiver, the Reiki before moving on.Mindfulness nourishes greater awareness of energy so you can take the place of their energy to others; so that Reiki attunements is an essential part of your body and out through our hands.Relax and take control of the issues that are either measurable or have long since forgotten about.Other than that, less defined, something like meditation.

The Usui Power symbol and performs one or more of a Reiki connection with the patient using a technique that is 51 different attunements in some way, but the effects of mental and medical establishment, who claim that they may or may not have to be practically adopted.Also having driven an automatic car, the next step for the universal energy as well.There is some big stranger putting his hands slightly above the patient's illness.Reiki takes place on top of the talks in MP3 format so I told him that it does work like many other faiths may also draw Reiki symbols or mantras.Purify your healing process includes the use of the easiest to perform, many Reiki Masters provide a good home for their advice and listen to your heart.

[themoonisbeautiful]

Go-Between

Someone sent me this reading about your sun and moon. I tried it and it is so true? I’m gonna try to himay and react to each sentence just for deeper analysis to myself.

Deep inside you likely feel a lot of doubt no matter how convincing and self-assured you may seem to people. 

This was the first sentence, and all I could say was what the fuck. Just the first sentence and it felt like it read my whole self and life. Because this is fucking true. I do have a lot of self-doubt. I just pretend and act sure and confident, but yo. Deep inside I’m this coward doubtful person that no one must have known. Maybe this is one of those “mysterious” side of me as a scorpio, and only those whom I’ve opened up to must know how doubtful of a person I am.

It is next to impossible for you to set goals and define your purpose in life. 

Again, this is true. I was only in the second sentence and I can’t agree no more. It’s very accurate especially now that I’m in my 20s and people expect me to have a plan in life. People around me do have plan -- whether older, same age, or younger. I always think about it but it’s so hard to plan and set goals? What more to define my purpose in life. Thinking about it further, my doubtful self, described in the first sentence, might be a factor as to why setting goals and defining my purpose is extra hard than anyone.

You have too much trust in those around you and this can be a weakness if you always want to hear everyone's views. The people close to you like all natives of Moon in Libra, regardless of whether they are friends or family, powerfully influence you. 

Oh god. Another fucking true shit. I don’t know if it was because I doubt myself so much that I have more trust in other people, or it’s the other way around. Either way, this is still true. I always want to hear everyone’s side, opinion, their thoughts, because I trust other people more than myself. Hence, it is true that in  way those people around me, those I listen to and trust, have so much influence in me because I tend to follow what they say more than myself.

The way others see you is how you tend to evaluate yourself, instead of by the way you really are. Acting according to your own true wants is important for you to learn. Do not worry too much about what other people might think of your behavior. 

Oh my god. I can’t say anything but fucking shit yes. This may be synonymous to “I tend to compare myself to others and find validation from others.” I know, this is a really bad habit (and I promise I try not to do this but I really can’t help it) but I always compare myself to others that it makes me doubt myself more. I compare other’s prodcutivty and success and mine. Again, I don’t know who’s affecting who, if is it because I’m naturally doubtuful or was that exatly why I was doubtful. But the following sentences, made me feel assured that I should stop it. I’m always worrying and anxious about what people think of me, and I should stop it. I should just do what I want and be what I want. 

Others are drawn to your leisurely and elegant personality and attracted to your charming nature. 

In relation to that previous sentence, this sentence feels like telling me that I shouldn’t really worry about what people think of me because being my true self, being whoever I am is my charm? But is it? I’ve heard people tell me something like this. But really? Again, my doubtful self is showing (or is this I’m just afraid to validate or I’m afraid to be called suepr full of myself by admitting). Hopefully I can humbly accept this.

Your combination balances a peaceable and graceful Libra with a hard driving and forceful Scorpio. You know naturally when to use tact and diplomacy and when it is smart to be assertive. Your power to manage others works to your reward in life, even though you are not as assertive as your other Scorpios. 

The first sentence made me felt, wow. That was a beautiful sentence. At the same time I somewhat understand it as there’s a battle (yes battle not balance fjslfjsd) of peace and force inside me. The following sentence, I’m not too sure or I haven’t noticed it myelf. Maybe I do know how when it is to be assertive? Do I? I’m not sure because I’ve never really considered myself as assertive. Just forcing myself to be one when it really, really needs to be, maybe yes. Also, managing others? Maybe, but I feel like I still have to learn a lot on this. But the last one, must be the answer why think this way. I’m not as assertive as other Scorpios. That’s true.

Maintain your freedom and concentrate on doing what you believe is best for you. 

I think this is similar to one of those sentences previously. I feel like this sentence is telling me, again or maybe emphasizing, to trust myself more. Believe in myself. It would be best for me.

You are a dreamer and a romantic. 

This one, maybe a few years back I would super agree. But not, reality hit me hard and I’ve become pessimistic (I’m not sure if this is the right term or another word similar to this). I’m not actually sure if I could still consider mysef as a dreamer when I can’t dream anymore. I don’t even know now how to set goals in my life. But okay. I just searched what dreamer meant and what I found was:  “spend a lot of time thinking about and planning for things that they would like to happen but which are improbable or impractical.” On a second thought, I might be really a dreamer. I do spend time thinking about things but those aren’t gonna happen. Maybe I’ve come to realize as I aged that they’re improbable that it has been hard setting goals and defining my purpose. Always stuck in impracticality and when I try to set realistic goals, it’s just too hard.

For the romantic, at first, before I look for the exact definition, I can’t really see myself as one because first, I’ve never been in that romantic position. I can’t imagine how, and I’ve lost hope in finding love (i know im only 20 but wtf. I think I’ll still be really single even at the age of 30... or forever). But as I read the definition, “who often takes an idealized or old fashioned view towards love or who acts in a manner traditionally thought of as courting or wooing a significant other. An example of a romantic is a person who watches a lot of old love stories on TV,” I think it applies to me. When it comes to love I think I’m still old fashioned, an old soul or something that courting or wooing would be really nice? Unlike some people nowadays, if ever, and just if ever I’m not necessarily gonna be single forever, I’d still like to fall in love slowly, yet surely ? Wait it’s really hard to explain at this point since I’ve never experienced and only seen them through my friends’ love life or in k-dramas.

You like to delve deeply into things and you are never happy with surface impressions. 

I’m not sure in which perspective should I look at this sentence but, between delving deeply into things vs surface impressions, of course I’d choose delving deeply. I think it’s more honest? It’s more trustful? More feeling of at ease to know what exactly behind things? Bottom line, I also agree on this.

You have a strong belief in people and the knowledge that they have. 

I don’t know why this sentence keeps on being rephrased or does the person who made this really want to emphasize on this? Haha. But like what I said. this is true. I do believe in people and the knowledge that they have. It’s actually interesting how people think and what they know? How different are their knowledge from mine? Although most of the time, I feel more doubtful and dumber, but I do see how much potentials and capabilities they have, that’s why I believe in them. It’s just sad that most of the time, people don’t see it themselves. It’s sadder that I don’t see it on myself too.

You are too frequently only concerned with instant gratification even though you have the intelligence, charm, and magnetism to achieve a great deal in life. 

Although I usually convinced myself that I’m not like this, but as I contemplate on myself, I am somewhat like this. I want to see results fast as fast as possible. and if I don’t I tend to consider it automatically as a failure, thus doubting myself, thus giving up easily. But maybe, as the following clause states, I should really stop this doubting and stop giving up easily. If I don’t get those “immediate rewards” or results quickly, I should stop thinking that I’m not worthy or I can’t do it because I can still. I just need to be more patient, and more persevering I guess? 

Guard against taking less than you are able of accomplishing or becoming complacent. 

Okay I think this relates to the sentence above. I’ve been doubting myself so much, and thinking that I’m not worthy or that I can’t do anything much that I’ve been scared to doing more of what I’m capable too. I’ve always underappreciated myself, and always and always think that everything I do is always not good. Hence, in order to avoid this, I always choose not to take risk and go to the safe zone.

Just as a  counter-argument, but how can I know if I can’t do it? What if it really is out of my capacity? But I wouldn’t know if I wouldn’t try it right? But what I tried it and I really can’t and others are affected by my performance? So does that mean I should give up easily, again? 

Your abilities are well suited to politics, law, and social work. 

For this sentence, I want to laugh. I’ve never dreamed of being involved in politics or law, and I don’t think I would ever dream of it. I may eat my words in the future but I really can’t see myself in that field. Maybe once when I tried thinking if I could be the president. I told my parents I would tell all the people to plant trees. Back then, I didn’t know how hard it is and it’s not easy as just commanding people to plant trees. Maybe another time when I was watching legal dramas? I thought it was cool to be a lawyer or judge, defending the weak and such. Also another time whenever I think maybe it would be nice if I could by the first lawyer or something my family (immediate fam). But me to the person who made this: are you really sure??? How?? Which ability? Which aspect? You jsut told me I’m so doubtful. How are my abilities suited for politics and law? Just thinking about learning politics and law makes me doubt and stress myself. It’s too hard. Too complicated. Especially here in my country? Oh god. Maybe social work would do. But I think I’d choose that as a part-time work.

The creativity of the Scorpio enhances Libra Moon and gives you good taste and strong creative interests. You can be disconcerted if a color scheme does not match because you are very sensitive to visual stimulation. 

This is actually cool. I’m not sure if this is true to myself though because I consider myself more of a trying hard artistic person, if I look at being creative in this perspective. Again, I consulted the best friend google and it says, “ having or showing an ability to make new things or think of new ideas. : using the ability to make or think of new things : involving the process by which new ideas, stories, etc., are created. “ Maybe I am really? More than people telling myself that I am creative, maybe I really am? I’m in the middle. I’m not sure exactly. It feels like I am creative but at the same time I’m not fully creative. I don’t know it’s still confusing. or am I again underappreciating myself.

For some Scorpio-Librans, zealotry is the result of the quest for truth. Your imagination is very strong and you need to guard against being fooled by charlatans who offer the secrets to the universe. 

This part gave me a hard time understanding. I can’t comprehend exactly what it is telling me, such that what’s the connection of imagination with being fooled? I can’t understand this yet, maybe I need to think this over and over, and deeper. But with that phrase “guard against being fooled by charlatans who offer the secrets to the universe,” okay I might agree on that. People say I’m gullible (yes this is me validating my personality from others), and I’ve realized that too and I should be careful of this gullible-ness.  

You will hurry whenever you sense injustice or unethical conduct is compromised, because you believe in fair play. 

Is this why earlier it stated that my abilities are suited for politics or law? Lol. But in a way I have to agree on this 1/2. When I see that something is not right, or as the phrase states it, when I “sense injustice or unethical conduct is compromised,” not that I will act again, but it will really bother me. Maybe if I’m less doubtful or I’m good at speaking I would “hurry” and act on it, but it will bother me first. I will think about it first, if am I being in the justice side or not. Sometimes, I would also consult others first.

You need to be careful about your tendency to preach and moralize because of your code of ethics. 

With this, I have to somewhat disagree. Like what I said earlier I do get bothered so much if I sense injustice or something unethical. But I wouldn’t act on it right away. I wouldn’t really preach or moralize most of the time, maybe if I really have to? Or if someone started debating or talking about that to me? and nowadays I’m also leaning towards doing something like Socratic method, rather than “preaching” and “moralizing,” I think. To some extent it  might still be “preaching” and “moralizing” but strictly speaking, I’m not sure if I tend to be like that. To add, my friend also told me she doesn’t see me that way (yes, validating from others again).

Delight and leisure loving are found in the signs of your combination. Basically you are a libertine no matter how high-minded and idealistic you try to be. 

This one. It’s so..... huh? I don’t know. Sure, I can see how I love delight and leisure. Super love especially alone times. But the libertine. high-minded. idealistic. Those words look simple but what definition exactly? how exactly? but maybe, and from what I can understand, it means that no matter how I try to pretend to be perfectionist? or having high standards? in reality I’m not? because at the end of it all, if I’m faced with something that delights me  or seems to be a leisure, I’d be satisfied with it? Am I making sense? Am I even making the right interpretation? I need to think about this further.

The barriers to your fulfillment are laziness and self-indulgence.

And so the whole paragraph ended with a warning. It true but a little bit ironic. I think it’s true that laziness might be really a barirer to my fullfillment--but I’d rather call it easily discouraged. Sometimes, I think I’m lazy because I’m really lazy. Other times, I think I’m lazy because I’m discouraged and don’t want to do it. And speaking of not doing it, like self-indulgence, if I won’t do it, I won’t do it (unless needed or I’m forced to but I think that would just bring bad results). When I want to do it, then I will do it. And yes, I said it’s a bit ironic because going back to the very top, the first paragraph seemed to be telling me to do what I want and not be afraid of what people think of me, yet here it’s as if telling that at the same time be careful. Or maybe I need to find the right balance? This last sentence, is a warning, but a very hard-thing-to-do warning. 

08.03.20

[sincerelyauden]

Revolution of our Times

"If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present." -Lao Tzu

I'm very lucky - I really am; and I never take the time to appreciate all my efforts to be where I am today. It's always the bad occurrences that determine how the rest of the day would be, but I never really stop to realize all the good things that happened. I'm so hard on myself and I don't deserve all that.

I am the daydreams my 2014 self imagined to be decades in the future. I am the little mantra my 2015 self whispered to himself as he pushed for another hour of studying human physiology. I am the five letters my 2016 self wanted to have appendaged after his name. I am the megacity my 2017 self tried to construct on his own. I am now everything who I wanted to be for years; yet why do I still feel like I need an escape? What am I escaping from? To where am I escaping to?

I grew up in a very Catholic family where our ethics and morals were based on the teachings of Jesus. This glorified religion can do no wrong and we all have to spend our daily waking moments thanking Him for dying for our sins. At least that's what the Catholic school in the Philippines taught me.

The omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent God Almighty created the heavens and the Earth for his sons and daughters - the never-ending expansion of our galaxies all thanks to Him, or that's what Sunday school ingrained in me here in Los Angeles. All this talk about the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, yet why do I feel like I don't want any association with any of Them? Why do I feel like I'm not in the right place?

Perhaps I was raised in an environment where all my thoughts, beliefs, and ethics were chosen for me? Perhaps not?

Five years of my life, I have striven so hard to graduate with five letters following my name. My name that would bear the celebrated "RN, BSN". The five letters that would be the reminder of all my mother's sacrifice and the hard work I have devoted. These five celebrated letters that will always be part of my name - a name chosen for me; A constant sign to be grateful working in a career chosen for me; And following a path chosen for me; Where my everyday reflections are prayers from a religion chosen for me; While living with ethics and morals chosen for me; Together with my beliefs that are chosen for me; And my thoughts. All chosen for me. Who am I? Really. Was there ever a time where I had the liberty to decide who I was throughout the 24 years of me being alive?

My 2017 reflection focused a lot about a Voided City, an empty place within me, in which I had the chance to add my own colors to make the city brighter and merrier. 2018 was a bliss. Although bumpy at times, daily life was generally smooth-sailing, which helped me build the skyline of this Voided City: a beautiful skyline, with the moonlight reflecting on the water, filled with life - cars honking on the city roads and people chattering about their weekend plans. A skyline oh so captivating, it takes your breath away.

Climb up the tallest peak of the city and enjoy the breathtaking view of all the superficial facade this city is presenting to you. From this perspective, you could see a billow of smoke on the far end of the skyline small enough that it gives your view a little personality. That's me. That billow of smoke is me stuck in the middle of a university, barricaded by a cordon of police preventing me from leaving and help from entering. That billow of smoke is my signal for help. Don't believe what's circulating. My issue might be a small billow in a beautiful skyline, but I, myself, am on fire. There are people outside trying to get in to aid me; there are people outside barricading themselves in other universities in solidarity; there are people outside blocking more police from coming near my university. But I'm still here. I am alone in here. And I am on fire.

I have everything I ever wanted to have. I am everything I ever wanted to become. I am the skyline, but why is part of me on fire? Throughout this year, I asked myself this question over and over again. Once in a while, I would think I have the answer, just to realize it leads to more questions.

Shouganai (しょうがない). It is a Japanese word that means "it can't be helped". It's the concept of accepting the situation and making peace with it. Not every situation is going to be ideal, and life will always throw so many obstacles for you to tackle and stumble upon - just get up and find a way to continue your day with that setback. Shouganai.

You go to work and leave your morning tea at home. Shouganai.  There will be a place that serves your morning caffeine nearby.

You're training in your new job and made a silly mistake. Shouganai. You will learn and improve upon that mistake.

You suddenly spent five years of your life studying for a career that was chosen for you with no room for argument. Shouganai. Find ways to fill that emptiness within you, as shown in the ikigai chart. Take Chinese lessons, travel to India, explore activities you've never done - find that self satisfaction.

But then there's San Francisco; there's Singapore; and there's Hong Kong.

San Francisco. I wanted to leave Los Angeles and find a new home in that city, so I applied for a job there right after graduation. It was going to be far enough for me to move out and find a place of my own. I soon found out that orientation would not start until later in the year rather than the end of summer, so I took the job offer of the one in west Los Angeles; somewhere a few miles away that I could be sequestered and grow in my own terms, with no direct influence from anybody.

Singapore. It was the first time I ever traveled unchaperoned. There was a chance for me to leave the west to follow my own plan and itinerary and I grabbed that opportunity by the wrist. It was the time when I learned how to look after my own self and my needs in a foreign and unfamiliar land and to figure out what works for me. I managed to put myself in situations that pushed me out of my comfort zone - circumstances in which would not have been possible had I came with company.

Hong Kong.  No other event defined my year as much as the Hong Kong protests. It started off as political justice and human rights, but as I followed every march and updated myself with every gathering, I realized there was an uncanny similarity between me and Hong Kong. We both wanted to be free from someone or something that's been encroaching upon our rights to be an individual - our whole entire being. The Hong Kong skyline is so grand and majestic from afar, but go into the city and witness the chaos within its streets; the tear gases raining down onto its people; the smell of Molotov cocktails blanketing the buildings that are the archetype of modern architecture. These three places, though in different corners of the world, share the same theme - the theme of escape; and I learned that behind all these accomplishments is a burning spirit longing to run.

The years prior to now, my family had a great amount of influence in shaping my career, my beliefs, my thoughts, and my life. 2019 was the year I decided to be Hong Kong and pushed back against their impositions - for they are my China. If Hong Kongers don't want to be greatly influenced by their neighboring country, why don't they just escape to another place? Perhaps it's because they love their city so much and want to see it flourish on its own.

That's what I I need to do - I need to stand on my own two feet to figure out who I am rather than finding ways to escape. I need to stand firm and just grow.

I want to make peace with it. Truly, I am so grateful for everything I have - I am standing in a very beautiful city, a city that was once void. There's still a billow of smoke in a breathtaking skyline; and although I'm alone, I know there are people outside - some trying to get in to help me and some standing in solidarity.

So here's a note to my own self in 2020,

Challenge. Persist. Grow!

Have a blessed and healthy new year and new decade everybody! May this year bring you opportunities to thrive and realize your true worth; and may this decade bring you a peace of mind and more positivity. Let us all continue to love and cherish one another. There is so much in life to be grateful for! Thank every person who opens the door for you; give the gift of smile at every stranger who passes by you; engulf nothing but love and positivity to all your social circles. Let this new decade change you. Don't stay idle for too long for there are so many chances to improve upon yourself and your community and always remember to celebrate every victory, no matter how small! Challenge the construct. Evoke changes! Protest on! This may be the revolution of our times.

-Chris

[july-19th-club]

stranger things - the essay fic

the history of this idea is in this post from the other day, and I got held up for various reasons, but here it is finally, under the cut, complete with the above super-original title that i came up with days ago and definitely not just now in the midst of my post-work exhaustion: a fic based on me trying to figure out what steve harrington’s college admissions essay would look like 

spoiler: it’s not the one he was writing at the beginning of the season anymore 

Hawkins, Indiana: 1987

Friday night. The apartment’s filled with the fading smell of onions from yesterday’s homemade chili, and Nancy opens the door to hear someone yelling from the back bedroom. She follows the sound to its source, and finds Steve with a desk full of papers, looking harried. “Hey, they’re having a grownups get-together over at the cabin, are you coming with us?” ‘They’ is the adults of the crew, Hop and everyone, and ‘us’ is her and Jonathan, who’s quietly gathering his coat and camera from the master bedroom. El’s aunt is in town, and that’s usually an excuse for the teenagers to take the movie money she gives them and run around in town while the adults drink and tell war stories.

He turns, grimacing, and rubs his eyes hard. “Listen, no, I gotta get this done.”

“Now?”

“Damn, what time is it?”

“Six-fifty,” she tells him. “You can’t take a fifteen-minute break?”

“To a party at the cabin? That’s not a fifteen minute break. Jon, you don’t even like that stuff.” He leans even closer to the desk until his forehead is touching it. “Great,” he says, his voice muffled but rising. “I should just go anyway, this isn’t going to get done. I quit.”

“Can you do it in the morning?”

“Deadline’s tomorrow.”

She’s a seasoned enough student to know that once you decide you’ll ‘do it in the morning’ you’re resigning yourself to never actually completing the thing you want done.

He shakes his head. “I’m so goddamn tired, guys.”

Jonathan pats him awkwardly on the head. She thinks he must really be wiped out, because he doesn’t even fish a hand up from the desk to slap Jon away from his hair. She wants to tell him he’s been doing really well, but that’s not going to go over nicely in the midst of despair. It’s true, though. He has. He’s taken the paperwork in small doses so it doesn’t wreck his concentration, made sure he’s alert before he gets started, gotten enough sleep. He’s even wrangled shorter hours at work so he wouldn’t be too worn out for homework at the end of the day. But she supposes the stress had to catch up sometime.

She signals Jon over her shoulder. The essay, she decides, is probably more important than getting to the party on time. Or at all. They have these things every couple of months, and while life is fleeting and unsure and you never know when it will change, it’s not every day that a very old friend takes a step this big.

“How about - how about this, what do you still have left to do?”

He spreads his hands out over the scattered papers. “Type up the revisions. They’re all done. It’s pretty good now, I think. You guys can look it over if you want. But I can’t keep staring at the paper, I really can’t.”

Jonathan pokes his head around the corner. “Is it the World War II one?”

That gets a small snort of laughter out of him. “No. No, that one sucked. This is...a different one.”

“Okay, okay, I got you. So how about we do it?”

“Do what?” he frowns, then catches it. “No. You’d be writing my essay.”

“Not necessarily.” Jon’s grinning now, and Nancy, catching on, begins to think that this is really going to work. “You go take five minutes, get some water, get an aspirin. And we’ll just type it.”

“You’ll just type it?” He gives it a few moments of thought. “Can you read it out loud? Sorry, I know it’s stupid, but maybe that way, if I want to change anything.”

“No, I like it,” she says. “I’ll read, he’ll type, and you can let us know if you want to add or alter anything while we go. We’re not writing your paper, we’re just - transcribing it.”

“And it’s not stupid,” Jonathan adds. “It’s really smart.”

The boys leave for the kitchen, and she sits down at the desk to go through the paperwork. It’s happening, she thinks, it’s really happening. It’s been a few years since the world turned right side up again for good, and he’s only now thinking about college. Part of it is that they’ve all been busy, and with Nance and Jonathan gone at school, someone’s had to be the supervising presence back at home. Not that she thinks it’s been much of a chore for him. When she got back for spring break, Mike informed Nancy that Steve is trying to teach him to drive (“he says Max only has so much patience, and honestly, he’s right”). She’s satisfied. She can’t imagine either of her parents trying to coach her little brother behind the wheel. They completely overlooked Nancy when it should have been her turn, and it had been she, Barb, and Steve who’d figured it out together.

Now he lives in the apartment that she and Jon got a year or so ago. He doesn’t have to; his parents are perfectly happy to have him at home, but she thinks he desperately needs some semblance of independence. So during the semester, he keeps the place clean and pays his part of the rent and works in town, and when they get back on break, well - that’s when it becomes a home. A real one, with cooked meals eaten at a dinner table or out on the tiny balcony or squeezed together on the sagging couch. It shows itself in little ways: in the plate that keeps their keys by the door. In the chore schedule they badger each other to keep to. In the clutter of mismatched soap and hair product on the bathroom counter.

In the way they will fall asleep on the couch all together sometimes, and wake up halfway to dawn and stumble, blurry, one by one by one, back to a single bed. In the way, when it’s just them and they’re at home alone, the boys will occasionally hold hands without her. In the way, when a good thing happens or someone needs comforting, she’ll kiss one, and then the other, and it will be easy as anything good should be. Once, at Jonathan’s house, Joyce had asked them very seriously if it wasn’t a little awkward for Steve to be the third wheel, and he’d given her the trademark grin and said, “What third wheel? We’re all friends here.”

She doesn’t know if it’s sustainable. It’s scary, and they’ve never gone past the most casual gestures of love. Jon’s scared for their health. Steve doesn’t say it, but she knows he’s scared of ridicule. And she’s scared of...she doesn’t know what - Harm? Sickness? Every one of her beliefs being quietly upended and replaced by something both freer and less defined? All she knows is that in the wake of every monster she’s ever fought, this is the most anxious and most content she’s ever felt.

They both know how big this is for him, this college thing. He’d barely graduated back in ‘84, although it wasn’t really his fault. By the time that year’s crisis was over, he’d spent weeks doggedly ignoring what had turned out to be a significant concussion. By the end of the year, he hadn’t had the energy or the confidence to do anything but scrape by. They’d still had a good time at graduation, but in the fall, the other seniors had packed up and left, and he’d wound up with a job at the Gulf oil station, one he’d later had to quit because the gas fumes gave him migraine.

But this year had been different. He’d worked, reluctantly, for his father, and had spent the spare time researching schools. Community college, nothing fancy, something that would let you take just one class a week if you wanted. “What for?” his parents had asked. They’d needed to know what kind of education they were funding, even though he’d made it clear he wanted to pay his own way through. Of course, if he was still working for Harrington’s, then it would amount to the same thing, something she tried not to bring up in irritable moments.

“Teaching,” he’d said, of course. He didn’t know what he wanted to teach, or for that matter, what he could possibly be qualified to teach. He’d been reading as much as he could manage, lately, and was leaning towards history. His mother said she hadn’t known he had such an interest in kids, and had managed to make it sound not just like a bad thing, but an unsavory one. Dustin, in his well-meaning and prescient (some would say presumptuous) way, had suggested science, but Clark wasn’t anywhere near retirement yet. Somehow, Nancy thought, they all assumed he’d want to teach in Hawkins. She wondered what she’d do if he decided to go somewhere else.

The point, really, was to get that chance in the first place.

He’d brought home application forms to the apartment and organized them all into manila folders, and the next several months had been slowly but steadily productive. And now here they were. Crunch time. The boys take longer in the kitchen than she thinks it should take to pour tap water, but it turns out they’ve made Country Time and brought plates with a pile of Oreos on the top of the stack. Once they’re back, Jonathan feeds new paper into the electric typewriter and checks the ink. Steve sits down on the bed and falls all the way over onto his back with a satisfied oof. Nancy takes the corner chair, sips her lemonade, clears her throat. “Are we ready?”

Steve waves his hand like a conductor, and Jonathan signals the thumbs-up. “Go.”

The prompt is “How do you define family?” She begins.

                                                   On Family

I know a man whose daughter came to him at the age of thirteen, when both of them were as alone as someone can be. I know a woman who is the definition of motherhood not because she’s always strong but because she just never stops. I know a girl who picked her own big brother. I know that in some ways my own family may be unorthodox, but it is the most unbreakable thing I have ever been a part of.

Webster’s New Riverside college dictionary lists multiple definitions of ‘family.’ First, it tells us that ‘family’ comes from the Latin word ‘familia,’ which comes from the word ‘famulus,’ which means ‘servant.’ In that sense, family only meant part of a household, or someone who works in the house. Today, it’s evolved into something more. In this analysis, I will break down Webster’s definitions, and try to find out which one, if any, resonates most.

1) a fundamental social group in society consisting esp. of a man and woman and their offspring. We’ve all been part of that sort of family, even if it shows itself in different ways. We may not know our biological parents, or we may know them but they live in different places, or we may have lived with them our whole lives. In mine, it’s as simple as the sentence above: my father, my mother, and me, no siblings. A family unit. But sometimes the unit can sound impersonal, or unrelatable. It’s only a family because the definition says it is - because ‘family’ is just the best word to describe the situation of parents and child.

2) A group of people sharing common ancestry. My dad’s family stretches back to the Revolutionary War, where they were English people who settled in the colonies and became Americans. My mother’s family is Irish, and immigrated after the Civil War, in order to escape famine. The thing about Irish and English people is that they’re antagonists; their countries have been at odds with each other for hundreds of years and for a long time England owned Ireland. But my parents met in Indiana, and they were never a part of the conflict. I have common ancestry with both sides of the fight: the winners and the losers. The victims and the oppressors. If family can be defined as ‘common ancestry,’ then what does it mean that I was, in a way, born halfway between those things?

3) Distinguished lineage. In my mother’s family, all the girls traditionally go to a private school in Indianapolis. It’s called a legacy: members of the same family following each other into the same place, and passing it on to their children. Because my mother doesn’t have any nieces yet, it’s possible that this particular legacy is over. I’m not part of any legacy, and maybe that means it’ll be easier for me to choose my own direction. I think the important thing is that even though they often center around blood relations, legacies don’t always have to. A distinguished lineage can be formed by passing something (like information, a tradition, a motto, or values) on to the next generation, and letting it grow and spread.

4) All of the members of a household living under one roof.In this case, my roommates and I qualify as a family, simply because we share an apartment. But if you had asked me a few years ago if the three of us were family, I never would have agreed. One of my roommates is a girl I was once in love with. If I’m honest, we’re much better friends now, years after ending our relationship, than we were when we were together. We were able to understand each other, and ourselves, better when we had the time to be alone. Now that there’s no pressure, we’re very close.

My other roommate is a boy I distrusted and maybe even hated, and it would be easy to say that it was because at the time we were fighting over the same girl. But I also disliked him because he was quiet and different and it was kind of fashionable, in my school, to make fun of him. We’ve both made some mistakes, but it was only after I got to know him in person that I could begin to form a friendship with him, and consider him my family now. None of us are related by blood, but I’ve learned a lot from the two of them: how to be a good sibling, how to get over things, how to let other people look after you. Without their company, I think I’d be a pretty different person.

5) A group of like things. When people come together because of a crisis, they form unlikely alliances. They look out for each other because they have to, and then it becomes ‘because they want to.’ In high school, a friend of my girlfriend died, and after that we ate dinner every few weeks with her parents, even though they weren’t ours, even though the only thing we had in common was the one thing that was missing. Still a family: parents, without a child.

In my hometown, where stranger things happen every year, the biggest constant I can find is that the people you fight through those things with will become your family. You might be closer with some than with others, but your shared experiences make a unique group out of you. You’ll have jokes that only you will understand, and memories you can only share with certain people, and it can be scary to know that there will be other groups you won’t be a part of. But there will also be houses you can go to that will always let you in.

Family: a group of like things. Something you can make anywhere.

[garywonghc]

Compassion and the Individual

by His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama

THE PURPOSE OF LIFE

One great question underlies our experience, whether we think about it consciously or not: What is the purpose of life? I have considered this question and would like to share my thoughts in the hope that they may be of direct, practical benefit to those who read them.

I believe that the purpose of life is to be happy. From the moment of birth, every human being wants happiness and does not want suffering. Neither social conditioning nor education nor ideology affect this. From the very core of our being, we simply desire contentment. I don’t know whether the universe, with its countless galaxies, stars and planets, has a deeper meaning or not, but at the very least, it is clear that we humans who live on this earth face the task of making a happy life for ourselves. Therefore, it is important to discover what will bring about the greatest degree of happiness.

HOW TO ACHIEVE HAPPINESS

For a start, it is possible to divide every kind of happiness and suffering into two main categories: mental and physical. Of the two, it is the mind that exerts the greatest influence on most of us. Unless we are either gravely ill or deprived of basic necessities, our physical condition plays a secondary role in life. If the body is content, we virtually ignore it. The mind, however, registers every event, no matter how small. Hence we should devote our most serious efforts to bringing about mental peace.

From my own limited experience I have found that the greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion.

The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater our own sense of well-being becomes. Cultivating a close, warmhearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. This helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter. It is the ultimate source of success in life.

As long as we live in this world we are bound to encounter problems. If, at such times, we lose hope and become discouraged, we diminish our ability to face difficulties. If, on the other hand, we remember that it is not just ourselves but everyone who has to undergo suffering, this more realistic perspective will increase our determination and capacity to overcome troubles. Indeed, with this attitude, each new obstacle can be seen as yet another valuable opportunity to improve our mind!

Thus we can strive gradually to become more compassionate, that is we can develop both genuine sympathy for others’ suffering and the will to help remove their pain. As a result, our own serenity and inner strength will increase.

OUR NEED FOR LOVE

Ultimately, the reason why love and compassion bring the greatest happiness is simply that our nature cherishes them above all else. The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. It results from the profound interdependence we all share with one another. However capable and skillful an individual may be, left alone, he or she will not survive. However vigorous and independent one may feel during the most prosperous periods of life, when one is sick or very young or very old, one must depend on the support of others.

Interdependence, of course, is a fundamental law of nature. Not only higher forms of life but also many of the smallest insects are social beings who, without any religion, law or education, survive by mutual cooperation based on an innate recognition of their interconnectedness. The most subtle level of material phenomena is also governed by interdependence. All phenomena, from the planet we inhabit to the oceans, clouds, forests and flowers that surround us, arise in dependence upon subtle patterns of energy. Without their proper interaction, they dissolve and decay.

It is because our own human existence is so dependent on the help of others that our need for love lies at the very foundation of our existence. Therefore we need a genuine sense of responsibility and a sincere concern for the welfare of others.

We have to consider what we human beings really are. We are not like machine-made objects. If we were merely mechanical entities, then machines themselves could alleviate all of our sufferings and fulfill our needs. However, since we are not solely material creatures, it is a mistake to place all our hopes for happiness on external development alone. Instead, we should consider our origins and nature to discover what we require.

Leaving aside the complex question of the creation and evolution of our universe, we can at least agree that each of us is the product of our own parents. In general, our conception took place not just in the context of sexual desire but from our parents’ decision to have a child. Such decisions are founded on responsibility and altruism — the parents’ compassionate commitment to care for their child until it is able to take care of itself. Thus, from the very moment of our conception, our parents’ love is directly involved in our creation.

Moreover, we are completely dependent upon our mother’s care from the earliest stages of our growth. According to some scientists, a pregnant woman’s mental state, be it calm or agitated, has a direct physical effect on her unborn child.

The expression of love is also very important at the time of birth. Since the very first thing we do is suck milk from our mother’s breast, we naturally feel close to her, and she must feel love for us in order to feed us properly; if she feels anger or resentment her milk may not flow freely.

Then there is the critical period of brain development from the time of birth up to at least the age of three or four, during which time loving physical contact is the single most important factor for the normal growth of the child. If the child is not held, hugged, cuddled or loved, its development will be impaired and its brain will not mature properly.

Since a child cannot survive without the care of others, love is its most important nourishment. The happiness of childhood, the allaying of the child’s many fears and the healthy development of its self- confidence all depend directly upon love.

Nowadays, many children grow up in unhappy homes. If they do not receive proper affection, in later life they will rarely love their parents and, not infrequently, will find it hard to love others. This is very sad.

As children grow older and enter school, their need for support must be met by their teachers. If a teacher not only imparts academic education but also assumes responsibility for preparing students for life, his or her pupils will feel trust and respect and what has been taught will leave an indelible impression on their minds. On the other hand, subjects taught by a teacher who does not show true concern for his or her students’ overall well-being will be regarded as temporary and not retained for long.

Similarly, if one is sick and being treated in hospital by a doctor who evinces a warm human feeling, one feels at ease and the doctor’s desire to give the best possible care is itself curative, irrespective of the degree of his or her technical skill. On the other hand, if one’s doctor lacks human feeling and displays an unfriendly expression, impatience or casual disregard, one will feel anxious, even if he or she is the most highly qualified doctor and the disease has been correctly diagnosed and the right medication prescribed. Inevitably, patients’ feelings make a difference to the quality and completeness of their recovery.

Even when we engage in ordinary conversation in everyday life, if someone speaks with human feeling we enjoy listening, and respond accordingly; the whole conversation becomes interesting, however unimportant the topic may be. On the other hand, if a person speaks coldly or harshly, we feel uneasy and wish for a quick end to the interaction. From the least to the most important event, the affection and respect of others are vital for our happiness.

Recently I met a group of scientists in America who said that the rate of mental illness in their country was quite high around twelve percent of the population. it became clear during our discussion that the main cause of depression was not a lack of material necessities but a deprivation of the affection of others.

So, as you can see from everything I have written so far, one thing seems clear to me: whether or not we are consciously aware of it, from the day we are born, the need for human affection is in our very blood. Even if the affection comes from an animal or someone we would normally consider an enemy, both children and adults will naturally gravitate towards it.

I believe that no one is born free from the need for love. And this demonstrates that, although some modern schools of thought seek to do so, human beings cannot be defined as solely physical. No material object, however beautiful or valuable, can make us feel loved, because our deeper identity and true character lie in the subjective nature of the mind.

DEVELOPING COMPASSION

Some of my friends have told me that, while love and compassion are marvelous and good, they are not really very relevant. Our world, they say, is not a place where such beliefs have much influence or power. They claim that anger and hatred are so much a part of human nature that humanity will always be dominated by them. I do not agree.

We humans have existed in our present form for about a hundred thousand years. I believe that if during this time the human mind had been primarily controlled by anger and hatred, our overall population would have decreased. But today, despite all our wars, we find that the human population is greater than ever. This clearly indicates to me that love and compassion predominate in the world. And this is why unpleasant events are “news”; compassionate activities are so much a part of daily life that they are taken for granted and, therefore, largely ignored.

So far I have been discussing mainly the mental benefits of compassion, but it contributes to good physical health as well. According to my personal experience, mental stability and physical well-being are directly related. Without question, anger and agitation make us more susceptible to illness. On the other hand, if the mind is tranquil and occupied with positive thoughts, the body will not easily fall prey to disease.

But of course it is also true that we all have an innate self-centeredness that inhibits our love for others. So, since we desire the true happiness that is brought about by only a calm mind, and since such peace of mind is brought about by only a compassionate attitude, how can we develop this? Obviously, it is not enough for us simply to think about how nice compassion is! We need to make a concerted effort to develop it; we must use all the events of our daily life to transform our thoughts and behavior.

First of all, we must be clear about what we mean by compassion. Many forms of compassionate feeling are mixed with desire and attachment. For instance, the love parents feel for their child is often strongly associated with their own emotional needs, so it is not fully compassionate. Again, in marriage, the love between husband and wife — particularly at the beginning, when each partner still may not know the other’s deeper character very well — depends more on attachment than genuine love. Our desire can be so strong that the person to whom we are attached appears to be good, when in fact he or she is very negative. In addition, we have a tendency to exaggerate small positive qualities. Thus when one partner’s attitude changes, the other partner is often disappointed and his or her attitude changes too. This is an indication that love has been motivated more by personal need than by genuine care for the other individual.

True compassion is not just an emotional response but a firm commitment founded on reason. Therefore, a truly compassionate attitude towards others does not change even if they behave negatively.

Of course, developing this kind of compassion is not at all easy! As a start, let us consider the following facts:

Whether people are beautiful and friendly or unattractive and disruptive, ultimately they are human beings, just like oneself. Like oneself, they want happiness and do not want suffering. Furthermore, their right to overcome suffering and be happy is equal to one’s own. Now, when you recognise that all beings are equal in both their desire for happiness and their right to obtain it, you automatically feel empathy and closeness for them. Through accustoming your mind to this sense of universal altruism, you develop a feeling of responsibility for others: the wish to help them actively overcome their problems. Nor is this wish selective; it applies equally to all. As long as they are human beings experiencing pleasure and pain just as you do, there is no logical basis to discriminate between them or to alter your concern for them if they behave negatively.

Let me emphasise that it is within our power, given patience and time, to develop this kind of compassion. Of course, our self-centeredness, our distinctive attachment to the feeling of an independent, self-existent “I: works fundamentally to inhibit our compassion. Indeed, true compassion can be experienced only when this type of self-grasping is eliminated. But this does not mean that we cannot start and make progress now.

HOW WE CAN START

We should begin by removing the greatest hindrances to compassion: anger and hatred. As we all know, these are extremely powerful emotions and they can overwhelm our entire mind. Nevertheless, they can be controlled. If, however, they are not, these negative emotions will plague us — with no extra effort on their part! — and impede our quest for the happiness of a loving mind.

So as a start, it is useful to investigate whether or not anger is of value. Sometimes, when we are discouraged by a difficult situation, anger does seem helpful, appearing to bring with it more energy, confidence and determination.

Here, though, we must examine our mental state carefully. While it is true that anger brings extra energy, if we explore the nature of this energy, we discover that it is blind: we cannot be sure whether its result will be positive or negative. This is because anger eclipses the best part of our brain: its rationality. So the energy of anger is almost always unreliable. It can cause an immense amount of destructive, unfortunate behavior. Moreover, if anger increases to the extreme, one becomes like a mad person, acting in ways that are as damaging to oneself as they are to others.

It is possible, however, to develop an equally forceful but far more controlled energy with which to handle difficult situations.

This controlled energy comes not only from a compassionate attitude, but also from reason and patience. These are the most powerful antidotes to anger. Unfortunately, many people misjudge these qualities as signs of weakness. I believe the opposite to be true: that they are the true signs of inner strength. Compassion is by nature gentle, peaceful and soft, but it is also very powerful. It is those who easily lose their patience who are insecure and unstable. Thus, to me, the arousal of anger is a direct sign of weakness.

So, when a problem first arises, try to remain humble and maintain a sincere attitude and be concerned that the outcome is fair. Of course, others may try to take advantage of you, and if your remaining detached only encourages unjust aggression, adopt a strong stand. This, however, should be done with compassion, and if it is necessary to express your views and take strong countermeasures, do so without anger or ill-intent.

You should realise that even though your opponents appear to be harming you, in the end, their destructive activity will damage only themselves. In order to check your own selfish impulse to retaliate, you should recall your desire to practice compassion and assume responsibility for helping prevent the other person from suffering the consequences of his or her acts.

Thus, because the measures you employ have been calmly chosen, they will be more effective, more accurate and more forceful. Retaliation based on the blind energy of anger seldom hits the target.

FRIENDS AND ENEMIES

I must emphasise again that merely thinking that compassion and reason and patience are good will not be enough to develop them. We must wait for difficulties to arise and then attempt to practice them.

And who creates such opportunities? Not our friends, of course, but our enemies. They are the ones who give us the most trouble. So if we truly wish to learn, we should consider enemies to be our best teacher!

For a person who cherishes compassion and love, the practice of tolerance is essential, and for that, an enemy is indispensable. So we should feel grateful to our enemies, for it is they who can best help us develop a tranquil mind! Also, it is often the case in both personal and public life, that with a change in circumstances, enemies become friends.

So anger and hatred are always harmful, and unless we train our minds and work to reduce their negative force, they will continue to disturb us and disrupt our attempts to develop a calm mind. Anger and hatred are our real enemies. These are the forces we most need to confront and defeat, not the temporary "enemies” who appear intermittently throughout life.

Of course, it is natural and right that we all want friends. I often joke that if you really want to be selfish, you should be very altruistic! You should take good care of others, be concerned for their welfare, help them, serve them, make more friends, make more smiles. The result? When you yourself need help, you find plenty of helpers! If, on the other hand, you neglect the happiness of others, in the long term you will be the loser. And is friendship produced through quarrels and anger, jealousy and intense competitiveness? I do not think so. Only affection brings us genuine close friends.

In today’s materialistic society, if you have money and power, you seem to have many friends. But they are not friends of yours; they are the friends of your money and power. When you lose your wealth and influence, you will find it very difficult to track these people down.

The trouble is that when things in the world go well for us, we become confident that we can manage by ourselves and feel we do not need friends, but as our status and health decline, we quickly realise how wrong we were. That is the moment when we learn who is really helpful and who is completely useless. So to prepare for that moment, to make genuine friends who will help us when the need arises, we ourselves must cultivate altruism!

Though sometimes people laugh when I say it, I myself always want more friends. I love smiles. Because of this I have the problem of knowing how to make more friends and how to get more smiles, in particular, genuine smiles. For there are many kinds of smile, such as sarcastic, artificial or diplomatic smiles. Many smiles produce no feeling of satisfaction, and sometimes they can even create suspicion or fear, can’t they? But a genuine smile really gives us a feeling of freshness and is, I believe, unique to human beings. If these are the smiles we want, then we ourselves must create the reasons for them to appear.

COMPASSION AND THE WORLD

In conclusion, I would like briefly to expand my thoughts beyond the topic of this short piece and make a wider point: individual happiness can contribute in a profound and effective way to the overall improvement of our entire human community.

Because we all share an identical need for love, it is possible to feel that anybody we meet, in whatever circumstances, is a brother or sister. No matter how new the face or how different the dress and behaviour, there is no significant division between us and other people. It is foolish to dwell on external differences, because our basic natures are the same.

Ultimately, humanity is one and this small planet is our only home. If we are to protect this home of ours, each of us needs to experience a vivid sense of universal altruism. It is only this feeling that can remove the self-centered motives that cause people to deceive and misuse one another. If you have a sincere and open heart, you naturally feel self-worth and confidence, and there is no need to be fearful of others.

I believe that at every level of society — familial, tribal, national and international — the key to a happier and more successful world is the growth of compassion. We do not need to become religious, nor do we need to believe in an ideology. All that is necessary is for each of us to develop our good human qualities.

I try to treat whoever I meet as an old friend. This gives me a genuine feeling of happiness. It is the time to help create a happier world.

[dianabercea]

Digging deeper: Dreams

Dreams are defined by vivid or memorable images, emotions and sensations that occur during different stages of sleep. Although the content and purpose of dreams are not fully understood, they have been a huge topic in terms of science, psychology and religion interest throughout history. Many approve the Freudian theories about dreams - that they give insight into hidden desires and emotion, whereas others believe that dreams assist in memory formation, problem solving or simply are a product of random brain activation. Dreams play a substantial role in helping us cope with grief, stress and traumas. Most of our dreams are actually unpleasant; the most common emotions in dreams include fear, guilt, anxiety and helplessness. Moreover, anxiety dreams can be helpful – one theory is that we are working through our anxieties and more able to see what stresses us during the day. Dreams are an opportunity to work through things that frighten us in real life, to play out worst-case scenarios in an environment where they have no consequences. In order to get through the day, we have to edit out so much of what is going on around us, and if we pay attention to our subconscious and our dreams we get a different angle on our lives and issues. When we’re dreaming, we’re thinking in a state we never have access to by day. Dreams offer the opportunity to think in a different way and show new answers to problems, they often contain the seeds of something important.   The key themes that I thought of are: sleep, fiction, emotion, imagination. For further expansion I did word association: Sleep: calmness, rest(less), mattress, insomnia, REM, fatigue, eternal, disturbed Fiction: fake, utopian/dystopian, surrealism, supernatural, storytelling, speculative, mythic Emotion: anxiety, sadness, empathy, jealousy, hatred, overwhelming, passionate Imagination: originality, sensibility, idealism, contemplation, picturesque, stimulation.

Using the keywords above I have found some interesting articles: “Les yeux de W” at Centre Régional d’Art Contemporain Occitanie” is an exhibition containing the work of the French artist Laura Lamiel, which takes the viewer’s body and mind on an inner journey through a succession of rooms through which one roams and crosses like the recesses of a memory that is sometimes vivid, sometimes buried, at times radiant, now gloomy. In this exhibition, the details act like the synapses of an infinite brain in which spaces fit squarely inside one another, getting divided, reflected and wrapped. The letter W’s dual and symmetrical structure indicates one way of approaching the journey. Laura Lamiel has been creating minimalist abstract landscapes that defeats our perception of reality in every possible way. By combining quirky deceptions, symmetries and plays of mirrors, Laura Lamiel’s sculptures, installations, photographs and drawings disrupt our perspective while causing new images to emerge. In a reality that seems to be constantly slipping away, Laura Lamiel’s work keeps the perspective tense and  radiates perception into the depths of an inner experience. The artist constructs each of her works with an unparalleled meticulousness, combining smooth and gritty, hot and cold materials. White enameled steel, plexi-glass and neon are combined with varnished wood, copper, incense granules, but also with fabric, paper and cotton. The exhibition presents cell structures at the scale of human body. These are work and thought spaces in which the artist has placed stripped-down forms, but also archives, gloves and tissues that seem to have traveled through time, their worn-out appearance obstructing the calm, silent organization of the works. Laura Lamiel gives a significant level of attention to these tiny objects and fragments of life, bringing every focal distance of the eyes into play. From the finest detail to the overall space, the artist invites us to look in every way possible, under, through or from behind, while bringing to the surface what we tend to neglect, treating blind spots as quintessential looking-spaces.

The anxious art of Liana Finck: the New York cartoonist posts on Instagram her observations of urban life and how its etiquette is breached. “I think it inspires my Instagram drawings because I use those mostly to figure out things that are bothering me and make sense of them.” Somewhat ironically, it’s those drawings that draw the most negative response on Instagram. Finck’s keen observation of human behavior reflects intense awareness – to the point of self-consciousness – of her own. She frames her work as “noticing how civilization works” – moments when the urban fabric is momentarily pulled tight. If you do not pay these trivial violations any mind, it may be because city living fosters a certain obliviousness, a thicker skin. But not everyone develops it. “Sometimes I feel like a person who notices these things in a world of blind people who don’t”.

Next, we have Tracey Emin with her own reassembled bed, from when she used to live in a council flat in Waterloo, exhibited in Tate Britain for the first time in 15 years. She describes her work, “My Bed”, as a portrait of a young woman.   It shows her real bed at the time in all its embarrassing glory, with used condoms, dirty underwear and empty bottles of alcohol strewn across the crumpled stained sheets. Emin had expressed her wish for the piece to go to a museum and described the Tate as “the natural home” for the work. Emin herself was very involved in how the work was to be presented, and it sits in a gallery alongside two Francis Bacon’s paintings, his 1951 Study of a Dog and his 1961 Reclining Woman, as well as six of her drawings that Emin gifted to the Tate to mark the occasion. Emin said part of the reason she had been so keen to have the work back at Tate Britain was to have a chance to change people’s original perceptions of the piece.“It’s really important to me to show it in context,” she said. “When I showed it originally at the Tate Britain as part of the Turner prize, nobody even bothered looking at the work that surrounded it, even though there were my watercolours, my drawings. So, what’s really great by having the Bacons around it, people will look at the Bacons and they will understand the connection with the bed and my other drawings. They will see the bed is art and that, with these incredible artworks around it, it is in good company.”  what would be the most suitable companions, and she was involved in selecting the paintings that would be shown alongside her work. Emin considered that Francis Bacon was a very immediate answer to the question of who would be the most suitable companion to have his/her art shown alongside Emin’s, because there are wonderful reference’s between their work. There is this sheer vitality of the body that moves in spaces combined with a sense of internal turmoil.

Valerio Nicolai, an Italian artist, has a series of works entitled “Amarena”, exhibited in Milan, which is dedicated to that particular moments when everything we thought we knew falls and certainties fall down, personal apocalypses perceived as absolute, moments in which our vision of the world alters and turns to red. The material he uses already contain its own story and his artworks emerge as the result of an exchange of questions and answers between the artist and his creation. The name “Amarena” might recall an idealized childhood, an eternal start of summer spent climbing trees to eat fruits, ice cream cones bought by grandparents, but it could easily be the name of a devastating climatic event, a typical storm originated off the Brazilian coasts. The red dominant of the works is the color of the stage Nicolai interposes between subjective and objective realities in contrast. The images above represent 2 of his works, “Toilette”(the red painting) and “II festeggiato” (the red sculpture).

“What does idealism get you today? Abuse, derision, or sometimes prison” The world is holding its breath and it's stifling. Ever since the financial crash, there's been a sense of stasis, of waiting to see what emerges. As the wait goes on, the feeling of possibility becomes more overwhelming. The comical slogan that appeared in the immediate wake of the crisis, "Keep calm and carry on", makes all right-thinking people want to go mad. But that's largely because people aren't just keeping calm. A common air of resignation has taken over. There's lots of protest on social networking sites, lots of declarations, petitions, information. Yet, this feels like converted people are preaching to each other, their ideas and beliefs only gaining traction when opponents resort to anonymous abuse and threats. Far from bringing people together, social networking sometimes seems only to reveal the depths of our division.

With “From Anxiety to Volition”, the Kunstmuseen Krefeld is showing the first retrospective exhibition dedicated to Ludger Gerdes. With the beginnings of postmodernism in the late 1970s, Ludger Gerdes introduced a new communicativeness to sculpture and installation art—after Minimal and Concept Art. He dealt with architecture, nature and historical aesthetic concepts, as well as modernism, the public space and art’s relevance for society. His art is based on architectonic quotations, metaphors, abstractions and figurations, stagings, the pictorial quality of sculpture and word acrobatics. He assembled these recurring modules into models of thought and narratives whose structures or conclusions deliberately remain open. Models that show the world on a small scale, trees that symbolize the relationship between culture and nature, paintings that are sculptures,  words that fall out of everyday speech and a man wearing a top hat who views a painting in one moment and disappears the next.

The relationship between dreams and art is a strong one, having in common the idea that both can be either real or unreal. They complete each other replacing what it is with what might be and they are both exposed at different interpretations. Take, for instance, the extraordinary work of the 15th-century Dutch painter Hieronymus Bosch, who used the fantastical and the grotesque to explore morality and mortality, depicting scenes from his dreams and visions.

[ohbutwebestmakepeacewithit]

some distraction questions thanks to @gnarlylizard …answered when i woke up at 4:30am this morning so now you know too much about me and probably half of it doesn’t make sense because i was highly medicated lol but thanks love for sending them to me💜

if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to? read- everything is illuminated, the alchemist, les petits prince, a million little pieces watch- crime documentaries, mental health documentaries, anything with natasha lyonne in it listen to- the killers, the smiths, 90s hits, amy winehouse, paloma faith, the xx, emilie sande, nirvana, simple plan (my youth in a nutshell), lana del ray, marina and the diamonds

have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? if so, who? i feel like i’ve found loads of writers that i like and i hate to say it because her book is so triggering but i can relate to mayra hornbacher x10000

list your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with. obviously nichorello because natasha lyonne and obviously nicky nichols

do you like your name? is there another name you think would fit you better? i do like my name. sometimes i think it’s more feminine than i am but idk. i absolutely loathe my middle name though

do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? do you identify yourself by the things you do? human being, i identify myself by both who i am inside and how i choose to express that externally. humans are responsible for their actions but they are also not defined by them. i can still be a good person and make mistakes for example.

are you religious/spiritual?
i’m not religious but i do have some spiritual beliefs. i believe in the idea of karma and that the universe has a bigger picture for your life and you just need to be patient and embrace what comes your way with the faith that it will always be fluctuating and changing. i believe life is like seasons. as sure as winter turns to spring, hard times in life turn into beautiful moments of peace and greater self actualisation in time.

do you care about your ethnicity? i am half polish and half a mix of english/irish and although it’s never been a huge part of my identity now that my grandad is dying i feel more of a desire to go to Poland and see where my family came from. his parents fled before World War Two to America and were actually travelling musicians. my grandad was born in New Caledonia and immigrated to Australia when he was young. i think the older i get the more interested i am in my heritage

what musical artists have you most felt connected to over your lifetime? feel like i’ve already answered this one

are you an artist? i make art but i wouldn’t say i’m an artist

do you have a creed? had to google it and i still don’t know what it means so no idea?

describe your ideal day. good coffee, peace and quiet, sunny but clear fresh day, read the newspaper, walk my dog around the lake near me. read some, watch some new docos, listen to some new podcasts and do some art. get in my pjs early and snuggle up in bed with my puppers to my chest and a really good comfort tv series like the office or parks and rec

dog person or cat person? puppers!!!!

inside or outdoors? inside but with fresh air flowing through from windows and maybe an open door

are you a musician? nope, my mum forced me to play piano from age 7 until i was maybe 13 and i hated it!

five most influential books over your lifetime. i already answered this one a few days ago

if you’d grown up in a different environment, do you think you’d have turned out the same? no, i believe your childhood and upbringing has a huge influence on how you grow up to be as an adult. if i had a more stable and less chaotic and volatile home environment i fully believe i wouldn’t be as anxious as i am. i also believe my inability to tolerate anger stems directly from the environment i grew up in which is why i fully support the belief that violence fuels violence. some turn on others some turn on themselves

would you say your tumblr is a fair representation of the “real you”? yeah i think so? although i guess some of the stuff i vent about i only really talk about with my therapist so i guess it’s a particular version of me…definitely the real me though

what’s your patronus? ahh i’m not a Harry Potter whizz but i’m going to say monkey because that’s my favourite animal after puppers

which Harry Potter house would you be in? or are you a muggle? i did a test and apparently i’m hufflepuff

would you rather be in Middle Earth, Narnia, Hogwarts, or somewhere else? hogwarts is coolest right?

do you love easily? yes i care about and become easily invested in other people often and it’s hard for me to enforce appropriate boundaries and realise there is a limit to my ability to give people the love and care they need without forfeiting my own health. i also often confuse love with obligation or infatuation. i can fall in love and care far too deeply for someone else for it to be a helpful or beneficial relationship for either of us. on the other hand though i don’t think that’s true romantic love. i think that’s special and unique and needs to be mutual and able to grow with time. long answer short …yes i love easily

list the top five things you spend the most time doing, in order. 1. scrolling through tumblr and instagram 2. listening to podcasts 3. watching tv or movies or docos online 4. being alone reading or making art 5. talking to friends

how often would you want to see your family every year? my siblings maybe a couple of times a month, my parents maybe a bit less…once a month maybe or once every few months…my puppers every second of every day

have you ever felt like you had a “mind-meld” with someone? i also had to google this and i’m going with no lol

could you live as a hermit? yeah i’m an introvert at heart

how would you describe your gender/sexuality? female and i don’t believe (for me at least) sexuality needs to be defined

do you feel like your outside appearance is a fair representation of the “real you”? not really. often i come across/get described as friendly, bubbly, sweet and approachable but inside i’m usually suffocating from anxiety and rage.

on a scale from 1 to 10, how hard is it for someone to get under your skin? 8, but once they do i cannot stand anything about them and loathe everything they do with the heat of the thousand fires of hell

three songs that you connect with right now. 1. Ninja - Banoffee 2. Shake it off - Florence and the Machine 3. Anything by the smiths (sorry i’m tired and i can’t choose)

pick one of your favorite quotes. at the moment my most relevant quote is “you can’t pour from an empty cup” and i’m going to cheat and say an extra one that’s been my mantra every meal time since i’ve been in hospital “short term pain for long term gain”. they’re not particularly poetic or beautiful quotes but they are super relevant and powerful for me rn

[san-bika]

A Fated Family - Voltron fic

**Vague Season 2 Reference**

Rating: General

Pairings: Allura and Lance friendship

Length: 1913 words

Tags: S2 continuation, BAMF Allura, Leader Allura, fluff, world-building, homesick Lance, hurt!Lance, hurt-comfort

————————————————————————————–

The observation deck was one of Allura's least favorite place to be, if she was honest with herself. 

The star maps were beautiful and reinforced how vast and complex the universe really was. 

But it was also a reminder of the many beacons, red for emergency and green for safety, that were floating out there relying on her and her paladins. How much was truly riding on their efforts.

It was a reminder, as painful as it was to admit, of how her father had failed not only their planet but the entire universe by hiding away its greatest defender out of fear. 

And it was a reminder of the responsibility she was willingly placing on herself; how she was marrying herself to a vocation of protection and defense against evil. 

She didn't have a planet or a family who relied on her, although Coran was more than a friend at this point, something between a father-figure and a brother-in-arms. 

Allura was comfortable in the role she had chosen for herself. Her family was the universe; her destiny hidden in tiny planets and outposts among the stars. Coran, too, had agreed to marry himself to justice. 

Losing everything meant that they felt, in a way few others could, a desperation and a hunger to prevent such tragedy from occurring again. War was the enemy. Fear. Isolation. 

But she wasn't sure how she felt when she considered that her destiny was intertwined with five others, five who were more than friends, her fated but not chosen family. 

Five whose destinies may not always lead to the stars, at least not forever. 

Coming to the observation deck always pushed that thought to the front of her mind, wondering how and when to discuss the topic of long-term plans. Whether she needed to ask if the paladins were as committed to abolishing evil as her, or whether they were only committed to abolishing Zarkon. 

The paladins of the past were  not defined by a specific evil. They were called to fight against injustice, to risk their lives for any, for all. But her paladins... did they truly understand that?

Today had been no different. Allura needed to focus on these troublesome thoughts and she needed to let them go, for a time. The star maps let her take her moment and release the worries she hid away. 

But she wasn't alone. The lights were dimmed, so she hadn't seen him at first, and he clearly hadn't seen her, his body still folded over itself in front of the maps, hands wrapped around his head, gently and firmly massaging his scalp. 

Her heart clenched and her thoughts turned again to her father, wondering whether he had guilt over the wounds his soldiers had gotten in the line of duty and how he would have handled it. 

Though they had managed to get Lance in a healing pod after the Castle Ship had been overrun by Galra, they hadn't done it in time to save him from long-term effects of concussions, a disturbing human affliction. So unlike the Alteans, so fragile, really. Allura ached when she considered how much these humans were risking for her mission.

  And besides that, the pods were meant to heal Alteans from life-threatening trauma: swelling, blood loss, breaks, ruptures, wounds. It wasn't necessarily meant to heal other problems. 

Things like diseases or infections, for example, wouldn't heal, though Coran, Pidge, and Hunk were excitedly working hard to hopefully configure them to do just that. "Think of what we could do on Earth with this tech!"

Regardless of the possibilities of Altean healing technology, the fact remained that she had gotten complacent and as a result Lance faced real pain for the rest of his life. Besides the thankfully infrequent severe headache he experienced, Lance also dealt with vertigo and dizziness, sudden mood swings, and difficulty focusing or getting easily confused. 

All of which had affected him during training, and, just once, in battle. The mood on the ship was grim; Keith and Pidge frustrated by the errors and Hunk protective of his best friend while Shiro hovered between understanding and anxious.

  Lance had only become more aware of his perceived deficiencies, training harder and withdrawing from the group when he was affected. Pidge told him that things should even out eventually, he should even be able to predict when he was about to suffer a migraine or an episode, but thus far they'd proven to be random and of varying strength. 

To see him hunched and trembling, normally so tall and bursting with wiry strength....

Allura allowed herself to feel the fullness of her guilt, if only in solidarity with Lance's pain. 

"I wish I could take that pain for you," she found herself saying in a very soft voice.

He turned then, grimacing, and wrestling one eye open only to turn back towards the star maps. 

"No, you really don't," he replied, managing a chuckle. 

"May I sit with you?" Allura allowed a bit of her authority bleed into her voice. She really and truly didn't want Lance to suffer alone.

He moved a little so there was more space and she gracefully sat down, resting a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"Is there anything I can do?"

Lance managed to turn towards her again, eyes bright blue despite the dim light. Or perhaps because of it. 

"I don't think so. 'M testing a pain killer those nuts cooked up. Hunk tested it on himself. Said it works. Guess we'll see." He always spoke like this when afflicted with the headaches, clipped and efficient. It was so unlike him that Allura's heart sunk. 

She noticed a necklace clasped in his hands, the beads and chain pressing against his unruly hair.

"What is that, Lance? Something sparkly for me?"

The pilot chuckled.

"No, Mama's rosary. Gave it to me when I left for the Garrison. Said she knew I'd do great things and wanted me to be protected."

His face grew somber for a moment, "It's like she knew... she had this look... like she knew I wouldn't see her for a long time."

"May I see it?" Allura offered her palm to him, and he dropped the jewelry into her hand.

It was a series of glass beads on a some kind of metal chain. At the end was a silver cross with a man on it and a medal of a woman, her arms outstretched.

The princess gazed at the woman, feeling drawn to the gentle face.

"Who is this? Your mother?"

At that Lance laughed outright before clutching his head and grunting a little.

Allura gasped, "My apologies, should I go? I do not want to cause you any more pain."

He put a hand on her arm, "No.. stay... company's nice.... I mean, it's not that bad."

He managed a smile at her, one of his real ones before turning his gaze to the star maps and sitting up a little. Allura hoped that this meant the medication was working.

"That's Maria, not my mom. Could say she's not JUST my mom. I mean. In my religion, she's all our mother, she's the mother of God," he pointed at the cross, "and my Mama loves her so much. Told me I could always ask her for help. No matter what I did or where I go."

The princess nodded slowly. Altea.... didn't really have a religion. They had been a scientific race.... they had believed in magic to a limited extent in that they believed quintessence was a force that could not be understood. But they had not ascribed persons or a creator to it. They had been content believing that the universe was too vast to completely understand and to respect it by learning with humility was enough. The idea of religions, of definitions, was fascinating to her, and she eagerly learned from her paladins their concepts and opinions of creation and belief.  

She had to admit that it was nice to imagine a loving mother who was always there for her.

"So do you ask her?"

Lance looked confused for a moment before he realized what she meant. He had to concentrate hard to keep his train of thoughts during and after these attacks.

"You mean ask Maria for help? Never used to... it wasn't for me. I mean, I was happy to... make my mom happy. Do what she wanted. But I never really thought about it for myself. It wasn't my belief, it was Mama's...."

Allura glanced down at the beads, feeling as though Lance was struggling with something. The beads were glass but not perfectly round, some chips smoothed over and worn soft.

"But now, I feel like everything I was sure of... the universe, my purpose, all that's changed. It isn't hard for me to believe maybe Mama was right. My purpose is here protecting the universe, protecting Earth and my family.... maybe she really did know that when she gave her rosary to me... when I see all the stars and the planets, it's hard for me to reject the idea that we all have some purpose. And maybe... Maria really is watching over me since Mama can't."

Lance dropped his face then. Allura didn't look up, recognizing his hitching breaths as a need for privacy.

Allura spoke delicately. "I think that is a lovely thought, Lance. Perhaps you can ask her to watch over me too. I do not have a mother here either, none of us do."

She heard a watery chuckle before he answered, "You're right, princess, I shouldn't forget that either. We all need a mother now."

"Is your head feeling better?" She ventured as she passed the rosary back to him, gently rubbing her thumb over the medal.

The paladin nodded slowly, "Kind of a dull ache now but not nearly as bad as before. I've gotta thank Hunk for whatever magic he cooked up. And maybe rehydrate and sleep so I’m useful tomorrow and not a waste of space."

Allura rose and offered him a hand, pulling him up, "That is the spirit, paladin. Getting plenty of rest and fluids should help you recover nicely! Although you are not ever a waste of space, you should know that by now!"

Lance smiled wrily as he put the rosary back over his head, tucking it neatly under his shirt, "Now you're starting to sound like a mom, Princess!"

She flushed before pinching him neatly on the arm. Walking side by side, Lance turned to look at his planet one more time before the star map flickered off as they left the room.

"'It’s funny. My mom always got these migraines... She didn’t hit her head or anyhting but still got them, sometimes really bad. She couldn't get out of bed. Too sick. But she would still take care of us when Dad was out working. She could do it. If she can... I know I can too."

Allura bit her lip, "You must get your bravery from her, Lance. And if you would ever like company when you get a headache like this, I would be happy to be there for you."

Lance flushed a little but his small smile warmed her heart. 

  He was, they all were, her family now and while she couldn't protect them from injury, she could be with them and help them through their pains. Allura knew her father would be proud.