#alwaysadri

[alwaysadri1]

You’re an unstoppable bane of existence

Lightning bugs glow

Hidden in cars

The forbidden lives inside the lost

Burying the fate

When you told me to knock on heavens gate

Your paintings were all reused but i didn’t know you would never put me in your portrait

You told me we would end up together

Saw me in your future

Ultimatums faded with every sorry

We kept making love stories

Never kept the date of what could be

Constant doubts of you and me

A bigger hit with every doubt

Our setting wasn’t right for a marriage

Because you were pushing baby carriages with someone else

Locking me in the dark

Leading me on in such a foolish way

I forgave you each time for the magnetic vacation

You would have sold me off to mark

Dropping me off at the train station you didn’t pick me up from

Canceled hotel reservations

Revealed the biggest lie weeks before

That was almost when you tore my heart completely

You still had a few wounds left to fix

Mixing up a few more potions to hurt me

Seasons fade crackling cold and sizzling summers

New states but there were still heartbreaks

The day after 25 i couldn’t take your slithering vibe

I got drunk and revealed all my truths

So much vulnerability

The game you played left me with so much shame

The pain was unbearable

Even after i still cared

[alwaysadri1]

I want to shout from the rooftops that you are mine, but you aren’t. You have commitment issues and won’t discuss them with me. You come over everyday and say i miss you. We aren’t seeing other people but im falling in love with you. I don’t want you to do this to me.

[alwaysadri1]

I prayed and you became my religion.

A false god I worshipped us.

Sacrifices and confessions.

Surrendered to sin, burnt in the ashes. 

[alwaysadri1]

Through the city late at night.

It all felt right in my mind. 

There was a rush of feeling free.

No one there but me. 

[alwaysadri1]

Ultimate delusion

There’s no solution

Not for me and you

Only devotion

Magenta tint

Magnetic lint

Baby love me forever

This is you and me

I told her you’re mine

I’m not afraid to love you so loud

Cherry blossoms down

And you keep me up

Love love love

It’s all i feel with you

[alwaysadri1]

too many cracks

I was taped back together 

So, I poured into you

But you were just broken 

So, what I poured in poured right out

You took the best me’s

You left and came back

Put the blame on me

You saw I wasn’t tame

Because you took the best of me

Froze my love left me above. 

I was too wild you didn’t want my child. 

Left me mild but only for a little while. 

[alwaysadri1]

twenty 6

Will I still drink buzz balls, and go on walks by myself in the bar? or will I stay will my friends and only have one? I'm interested to see what 26 trips around the sun brings. I embrace independence, happiness, and whatever else the world decides to give. lets go listen to 26 by Paramore and cry about being in our late twenties. this year is about healing and happiness.

[alwaysadri1]

A vow based on lies, what a prevailing lifetime. Two souls scared to be alone. They would rather accept whatever bullshit they throw at one another. You know who he is and you still stay. A ring won’t make you less lonely, it just requires the law to get involved when it ends. When he does it again.

[alwaysadri1]

I want a man that cares about my melancholy. He needs to fight for my hand and give a damn about me.

[alwaysadri1]

still trying to fill some void

In all my life I’ve only loved one person completely unselfishly. I don’t think i have it in me to put someone else first again. It feels like i may never put someone above me. I don’t know how to care about someone else’s needs above mine. Being selfish is addicting. I’m still me. I think moving into my home would fill my heart. Tell me why while i was cuddling with this man when it hit me. I still don’t have a purpose. This home still doesn’t make me feel whole. Maybe i never will. Maybe I’ll always be this dark smoke that lingers for too long. 

[alwaysadri1]

I flirt with the guys you used to worry about. Just to get back at you even though you don’t know. I think of strawberry skin and brown eyes. Brunette beard and a few freckles. If you could see my apartment i know you would be wrong. I told you so, i say. Some nights i still cry over how hard i tried and how everything went to waste. I clean my face and lay in bed. White wine and red cranberry is my drink of choice these days. If only you knew how much i knew. I wish you knew how much trust i had in you. Left lavender and cobalt blue but i was never going to stay with you.

[alwaysadri1]

3:04

I wake up all alone but you won’t go. Grieving hopes of sadness. Turquoise tears fill this pool. What if the only faithful was you? You give it all just to stay clouding my dreams. I know i never let you back in but what if all i need is you? Do you get anxious when you hear my name? What’s it like to win back your dignity since me?

[alwaysadri1]

11:07

You romanticized me into someone i am not. Expected me to be lovely perfection and pretty words with a cute face. You want all your space whenever you want and i can’t do that. I can’t be the version in your head. I take all these meds and I’m not right in the head. Now I’m just a peripheral neon sunset fading into dark night of your life.

[alwaysadri1]

HH2

Reined and registered

I found out long before I thought I ever would 

Here for the heist 

Haunted by my heaven

Trying to hide only makes it worse 

Right before eleven 

Probably going to be spooky

Was it the night I ended? 

That’s all that’s left to do 

While I move on to new 

[alwaysadri1]

As time went on you got better at hiding those unknown numbers. I turned an eye but i knew. It was in my peripheral to keep you. More than one because you couldn’t find your one until the truth came out. Did you moan with my clone or was it strictly emotional? I was distressed with guilt about giving you peace but that could never be you. I was belle and you were all beast. A happily ever… after you. I let you do things to make me settle.

[alwaysadri1]

October orange

Ten years ago

Red, brown and black

Dripping down my legs

I stand there naive and confused

Sweet sixteen

Almost a statistic

No parent near by

All alone

Happened before i even new

What would have been you?

Something was wrong

It could have been you

I’ll meet you one day in another life

Half mine half his

I think about you till this day

Avoidant and abided no time to think

Didn’t acknowledge for years

You deserved more