#am exhausted and quite frankly just want to sleep and never fucking wake up again an overdose might be nice idk.

[thisisaname-whatahappyname]

i want to be meaner to my mom but scared that i might make a habbit of it to the point of that spilling onto other people, so let's vent, near everytime i say something that challenges her belief that she's right about everything she always goes on about how i love debating her and how im always attacking her and saying she's wrong about everything, this bitch litterally fucking just told her child "you're always the villain to me" like i dont have a mountain of evidence saying that she's the one who's fucked up

look we disagree on things a lot, i disagree with her a lot, she seems to take everytime i point out she could be wrong (the first few times her response was "it's like your my mom mano po" ("mana po" is something people do to their elders) and "go work on your self first" in response to my room and my sleep schedule, like. y'know me sleeping late and being messy gives her yhe excuse to be a bad person.) now it's "you just love debating me don't you" "you always think im wrong about everything" and now recently "youre always the villain in my story" ("lagi kang kontrabida saking buhay")

because yeah sure im the villain, im the person who bullied ("idiot, lunatic, insane, you made yourself ugly, you look insane, you look like a lunatic") verbally abused (read the previous sentences, and what comes after this), hit (four times to be exact, also threathened to beat me up if i ever did that again, and later on said she was gonna smack me if i ever tried it again later on too) and told their kid they're insane and that tgey didn't care about anyone except themselves for botching their haircut

like this isn't my first time saying this within these last few days, it still holds true though, her words, the villain sentence specifically, should be directed at herself if anything, like girlie are you describing your own actions or

damn these last few days have been shit, like most days that have my parents in them aren't good, but these last few days have been horrendous, wonder if i should kill myself lol, atleast id have a botched haircut at the funeral, where a lot of the people whod know me would see, might botch it even more before doing it, just out of spite, it's just like id face the abuse that would com after anyways, i would be dead. also that whole haircut and these few days after said haircut have confirmed my theory that my parents treat me nicer when im pretty so! that's another thing! man!

like girlie really did just say her kid was the villain in her life despite being the one to hit her kid four times over a botched haircut, and verbally and physically abuse said kid for days afterwards (the verbal abuse was worse than what id written, basically just wrote a summary for the most part, just don't feel like translating it) i mean girlie really?

edit: also if you read the tags i almost forgot about that last bit, memory repression works hard ig. wonder how much shit i forgot that i never remembered.

also another edit: i think it's interesting how she used to so "oh so im the villain now" in response to me whenever i brought up her doing something bad, like that used to be a common occurance a few months near a year ago, but now she says "you're like a villain to me" after, reminding her she can be wrong, and botching my haircut. i mean. girlie at least isn't blatantly ripping off mother gothel now so that's fun.

[nincompoopydoo]

LOVE IS STRANGE

PAIRING: Poe Dameron x reader WORD COUNT: 1.9k SUMMARY: The union of Ireca and Mohash may seem a typical cliche of love in comparison to your depressingly lonely state, but when a certain poster boy pilot emerges during the celebration, you wonder if love works in other underlying ways. A/N: I found this in my google docs, first written about a year ago. so, wohoo i present to you my first ever poe dameron content, i think? he's so charming and carelessly beautiful. please leave a comment and tell me what you think or what else you'll like to see from me 💖 gif by @john-seed from this gifst WARNINGS: mentions of alcohol and getting drunk, space swearing. support my writing through ko-fi💖 MASTERLIST

Love is strange. Delicate yet fierce. So forceful that it manages to seep through the cracks created by bombs and gunfire of war. Unexpected at times, appearing out of nowhere. Yet, it’s beautiful because it brings those with beautiful hearts and minds together, entangled in the constant dance of intimacy and devotion.

It’s what Ireca and Mohash have.

Ireca was from the Logistic division, a mechanic herself and your colleague. She was to be married to her long-time lover, Mohash, a flight engineer for the Cobalt Squadron. As far as cliches go, wartime love falls along the lines of a romance cliche. Yet, war was all you’ve known. It’s what everyone has ever known. It’s common to develop some kind of a feeling other than the constant emotions during battle—fondness, the feeling of falling in love with someone. It’s truly what we stay alive for.

Maybe that’s why you hate it so much. The absence of the feeling that everyone describes as so fucking amazing that it completes you. You feel empty most of the time. It’s definitely the reason why you put all your effort into fixing things you can rather than complicated problems and issues that continue to reside in your mind, especially in the wake of midnight.

You find yourself sitting by the makeshift bar, tucked away from the crowd of friends and colleagues. There’s music playing, the sound of drums, and the seven-string hallikset reminds you of your brief visit to Naboo three cycles ago. You’re nursing a warm cup of something that tastes closer to acid water than alcohol.

Ireca emerges from the crowd with flowers in her braided hair. She approaches you with a bright smile and calls out your name wistfully. You shoot a strained smile her way, feeling the bags under your eyes weigh a little more. “What are you doing here all by yourself, huh?” she asks, leaning against the bar with a gentle pat on your shoulder.

“I’m just really tired. Last night was rough. Plus, I’m behind schedule.” you sighed heavily, running your fingers through your hair. She flashed you a smile of sympathy as you continued, “I’m sorry, Ireca. Don’t let me ruin your night. Go, have fun.”

She raises an eyebrow as you take another sip from your cup.

"Go. I'm sure you don't want to miss Mohash's special performance." You gesture to a drunk Mohash, who seemed to be searching for the woman. Ireca merely laughed. "Oh, it sure is going to be special." With a gentle touch to your back and wave, you watch her make her way into the swarm of bodies. You're left alone once again.

You’re still trying to figure out how Mohash even got hold of any sort of alcohol and managed to smuggle it into the base. Someone must have nicked it during one of the previous missions in the Mid Rim.

You rub your eyes, half-awake at this point; your cup is placed beside you as you rest your head against your folded arms on the table. Your mind is in a daze and incapable of irrational thought, deciding it would be best to just camp out here, by the makeshift bar, for the night. You were too tired to drag yourself all the way to your quarters, which felt like miles away, in the first place.

As sleep began to weigh heavy upon your eyelids, you suddenly felt a sharp tap on your shoulder. A soft groan escaped your lips as you shifted your head, still resting on your arms, just enough to peek at your sleep intruder.

It’s Poe Dameron. Commander and Black Leader. Incredibly talented, confident, and effortlessly handsome.

Ugh, you hate this guy.

Yet, you don’t feel so tired anymore.

“Are you drunk?” There’s amusement in his voice with a tinge of mockery. It made you realize the stun you were pulling. Classic Dameron. It was supposed to be a happy ceremony, but it was truly Ireca’s fault for manipulating you into coming tonight. Parties, events, and social gatherings were never right up your alley. You prefer spending time with machinery and your greasy hands.

Poe’s eyes are gleaming under the fluorescent lights, filled with concern, but you spot the smugness in his emerging smile. A flash of a thought, you kind of want to feel his lips on yours. The image immediately stings. You want to gag.

Poe is irritating, arrogant, and careless. Not charming. Nope, definitely not charming.

You straighten yourself, trying to shake off the burning image, shoving it to the back of your head. You lift your head, propping your elbow on the table and resting your chin on the heel of your hand. “You actually think I’ll even touch that bantha shit?”

Tearing your eyes away from Poe, you reach for your cup only to realize it was empty. He casts you a look. Your eyes shoot daggers with an extended pointer finger his way, “Don’t you dare say anything, flyboy.”

Poe raises his palms in defense, lips pursing. “Wasn’t going to.”

You catch a glimmer of mischief in his eyes, one hand discreetly reaching under his tawny leather jacket. Then, a bottle of Corellian whiskey emerges, shining under the lights of the Resistance hangar. Your face lights up at the recognition of the bottle, memories of your rare trips to Corellia, sharing whiskey drinks with your colleagues. It was the only planet you’d been to ever since you joined the Resistance.

You’ve only tasted Corellian whiskey once because of how expensive it is. You’ll happily get drunk to that in a heartbeat. Drink the worry and sorrow away with the lingering taste of frankly exorbitant whiskey.

Like a child with grabby hands, you reach for the bottle, but as your fingers brush his, Poe quickly lifts it to the air and away from you. He smacks your hand away. You whine, feeling a little lightheaded. The contents of the mysterious drink are starting to kick in.

What the blinkin' mradhe muck was in that drink?

“What do you want from me? It’s not like I have a drinking problem.”

He’s giving you that look like he’s judging you, but with a hint of amusement at the slight tug of the corner of his mouth. “You definitely have a drinking problem, but... i'll let you drink this on one condition.”

“For kriff’s sake,” you mutter, rolling your eyes, glancing away. “I’m not doing any weird wacky favors for you, Dameron.”

He scoffs, expression bewildered. “Hey, I don’t ask for weird wacky favors,” He articulates his words with a defensive tone, index finger stretched to your face. You simply smack it away as Poe clicks his tongue and continues to clarify his proposition. “All I’m asking is for you to fix my ship.”

Your wide-eyed gaze flies to him, shaking your head furiously. “Oh, no, no. No. Never in a million cycles. Never in a million millennials. Nuh-uh—”

“Hey, quit being dramatic. It’s a simple job.”

Your eyes grow even wider, voice raising. “A simple job? You fly that ship of yours like we have hundreds of spare ones. I’m not putting all my time and effort into fixing a lost cause.”

“But you haven’t even—”

“No. I’m not fixing your ship, and that’s final.”

Poe blinks and you’re back to fussing over your empty cup. The chatter of the crowd grows louder as a group of pilots of the Cobalt Squadron began rendering verses of an unknown traditional drinking song to your ears. You steal a look to only find Ireca and Mohash amidst a dance, tangled in each other's arms.

He eyes closely, noticing the turn of your lips, trained eyes deem melancholy. He knows the face of a loner very well—usually recruits with lost family and homes. They enlist in a mass community of freedom fighters for the restoration of good in the universe, and to finally feel a sense of familiarity and belonging. He doesn’t know much about you but he knows you don’t truly have anyone to depend on but yourself. It’s the reason why you’re constantly fierce.

Poe clears his throat, shifting closer to you as he watches the way you carry your gradual gaze to hold his. They then flit to the space between the two of you, raised eyebrows acknowledging the weird close proximity of his presence to yours.

“Look, you’re the best mechanic there ever was and probably ever will be. So, fix my ship, and you get to have this Corellian beauty. All of it.” He sways the bottle in the air, but you don’t look at it.

“You know, that’s bribery.”

“Yes, and it’s working.”

You scoff. “No, it isn’t.”

Poe laughs. “Yes, it is. I can see it in your eyes.”

Another scoff, you look fully aggravated. “How dense do you think I am?”

“Oh, very, but let’s not get into that.”

Bickering was the only language the two of you spoke fluently when you found yourselves tangled in a conversation with one another. Thrown insults were spoken lies—saying you hate each other when you know that isn’t true. Well, at least you don’t mean it and you hoped Poe didn’t either.

You’re exhausted, physically and mentally. For once, kindness and acceptance seem to be the easiest route.

A sigh passes your lips as you blink up to the ceiling, sending a silent prayer for blessings from the Maker above. “You’re right. I am dense. Truly dense. So, yeah. Okay. I’ll fix that stupid X-Wing of yours.”

Poe blinks, dumbfounded. “Wait, really?”

With a roll of your eyes, they meet his very own wide ones. “Yes, really. Only because you complimented me. Now, hand me that Corellian whiskey before I change my mind.”

He then makes a sound that resonates between a cough and a pleasantly surprised laugh, eyes crinkling with delight. Poe happily and absentmindedly passes the whiskey to you, still reacting like your agreement is some sort of object of ridicule in the best way possible.

“Wow—Maker, you have no idea what kind of trouble you’re saving me from. If the General ever found out—man, pfft. Thank you. Thank you so much—”

A swift and unexpected motion, he is reaching you, palms clasp and either side of your face, and plants a quick peck on the side of your left temple.

Poe isn’t thinking straight.

There you are, mid-swig, lips so close to the rim of the bottle with eyes so wide. You steal a steady glance at the pilot whose expression seems to reflect yours. His hands are still on your cheeks. He’s unbelievably close to you and he’s staring with that stupid look of his.

‘Maker, preserve me.’

A cheer erupts from the crowd from across the space and just like that, the moment is gone. Whatever the moment even was. His touch is no longer on yours and his gaze shifting away.

The tension, however, is still very present.

You finally take a swig of the whiskey, wanting to ease the sudden tightness in your chest. You hum at the stinging sensation on your tongue. You catch a glimpse of Poe from the corner of your eye who busies himself with tapping his fingers nervously against the surface of the bar.

Then, in an awkward motion, you stretch your arm to him, offering the drink.

A beat. His gaze shifts between you and your hand. When he finally gives in, a smile curves upon his lips, fingers brushing against yours. They’re delicate and you smile at him. It's small, but it makes his heart skip a beat and you wonder to yourself about the strangeness of love.

[weareallstoriesintheend]

As Long As You Need (Reader x Adam Sackler)

Summary: Adam and Reader are hookup buddies. Adam gets concerned that you don't want to see him for a few weeks and comes over to check on reader. Reader is struggling with anxiety/depression and Adam comforts them through a panic attack.

Warnings: Depression, anxiety & panic attacks

Note: This was the fic I wrote for the Summer 2021 @adcuficexchange for LondonID!🥰 I hope this fic is something that resonates with people, I know mental health is a vast and personal subject but I hope something hits home. Even if it's just some beautiful care from our favourite gremlin 💕

The light of the day was fading slowly and the grey cover of dusk was slipping its way into the room. You lay in bed, head tucked against the pillows, body exhausted with the expense of the energy anxiety was taking from you. You felt empty and yet full to the brim, your mind weighed so heavy that you could barely move most days. The second you heard the loud thumping knocks on your front door you jolted as if waking up from a bad dream.

“Kid you in there?” Adams voice came, muffled by the thick wood of the doors between you, booming through your silence. You realised in that moment that you hadn’t spoken to him or seen him for a while and as someone who was a pretty regular occurrence in your life it suddenly felt strange to hear his voice after such a long time, you pulled your phone out from under the pillow and unlocked it. Your eyes screwed shut at the blinding light, but peeking through your eyelashes you checked your messages. Your last text to him had been nearly 3 weeks ago, then the page was just filled with him texting you again and again. All of which, in the haze of your mind, you had ignored. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to see him; you craved his cheeky smile, soft hair and adorable galaxy of freckles that smattered his skin. It was just the thought of having to explain the tornado that was tearing you apart that felt like a crushing pressure you couldn’t bear. Basic daily life was enough, sometimes too much, so anything on top of that you had shut out.

You curled yourself into the sheets a little more, pulling them around your shoulders. Although they were soft cotton the brush of them across your overly sensitive skin felt like sandpaper dragging over a raw exposed nerve. You stayed as still as possible whilst his knocks continued to echo through your apartment.

In a way you wondered if you had any obligation to him at all, you guys just hooked up every now and again after meeting at a mutual friends birthday party a year or so ago. Nothing serious, no dates, just fucking. He scratched an itch for you so you didn’t have to brave the dating world that daunted you. He was fun, he made you laugh but he didn’t pressure you to spend any more time with him than coming over to hold you face down into your mattress allowed.

The knocks turned to bangs of a fist and you pulled your blanket over your head, maybe he’d just go away if he thought you weren’t home. Your body thrummed with the disturbance of your comfortable silence and it made you uneasy. A slight nausea rippled through your throat. “I know you’re home” his voice bellowed, you closed your eyes and didn’t respond. “Open the fucking door kid” he shouted, he didn’t sound angry but you couldn’t quite make out the tone. He’d never used it before around you that’s for sure, he almost sounded worried. Then there was more thumping on the door, “Kid, for fucks sake your sweet old lady neighbour is looking at me like I’m fucking nuts, open the door”

You sighed and slung yourself off the bed onto your feet. The rush of movement made your head spin; your muscles and joints ached with a lack of energy. You tiptoed out of the bedroom and into the main room of your apartment, hoping that he couldn’t hear your deliberately soft padding footsteps. With your eyes trained on the door you didn’t notice the chair sticking out from the table and you bumped it as you passed. You froze dead still waiting to see if he’d heard it.

“I can hear you rustling around in there. Just open the fucking door and talk to me”

“I don’t want you to see me” you replied hesitantly, not raising the volume of your voice too high knowing he could hear you through the door now. The croak of your voice finally speaking was crackly and broken. “Why not?”

“I… I don’t look great” you looked at yourself in the reflection of the painting hanging on the wall. In the glass you could just about see yourself looking back; your hair was greasy and dishevelled, your eyes were bloodshot, rimmed with red and dark circles created a deep shadow underneath them. You suddenly balked at how awful you actually looked, you hadn’t showered in a few days and it really showed. Your face looked kind of gaunt with the limited food and sleep you’d given yourself for the last few weeks, mind always racing with one thought after another. The racing thoughts only leaving space for the basics of working at your laptop for 8 hours a day and activities to numb your mind till a restless bedtime. “Are you kidding?” he scoffed, thumping his fist once against the door, “I’ve seen you sweating, crying and covered in my cum… I don’t think you looking a little messy is going to be bother me” You cringed at how loud he was talking and in your embarrassment you frantically pulled the door open, “Jesus Adam don’t say that so loud my neighbours will hear y-“ you paused mid-sentence when you saw how he was looking at you. He was shocked and trying to hide it but his eyes were wide with sympathy. You instantly went to close the door on him again but he put his overly large foot in the way.

“Nope, no way! You opened it, I’m like a vampire, you’ve got to let me in now” he smiled cheekily. You sighed and let go of the door walking away from him. “Listen I don’t know why you’re here” you said, voice trailing behind you as you made your way to the couch hearing him step inside and close the door behind him, “I don’t really think I’m in any fit state to be fucking anyone” “I’m not here to fuck you” he retorted, for some reason that kind of stung. “Then why are you here?” you said, nestling into the couch cushions as he firmly placed himself standing in front of you. Adam was staring down at you with that intense glare he always seemed to have and you squinted your eyes, hurting due to the light from the windows, to look up at him. “Why am I here? You haven’t talked to me for like… three weeks. What the fuck do you think I’m doing here? I thought I was going to find you rotting in the bathtub or some shit” You rolled your eyes “I’m fine” “Oh right this…” he paused, flailing his arms at the quite frankly disgusting state of your living room, “… this is ‘fine’?” “This is as good as it gets” you muttered under your breath. He scoffed and you looked up at him, you took a second to take him in. He’d clearly run here, the beads of sweat were trailing gently down his temples and had matted the curly little front pieces of his hair. The outfit he was wearing, a dark blue cut off tank top, grey knee length shorts and heavy tan work boots over cream socks, would look kind of uncoordinated on anyone else but something about Adam always just… made sense.

“What do you mean?” he asked, eyebrows furrowing.

“Nothing” you rolled your eyes again, “You know you can just go right? I don’t even know why you’re bothering”

“What are you talking about kid? I wanted to make sure you were alright. You went all ghost on me and I was worried about you”

“Worried?” now it was your turn to scoff, you could feel the sickening panic rolling around inside your stomach and you needed him to leave.

“Yeah kid… worried” Adams voice suddenly had a tinge of anger behind it and it made the panic swirl harder around inside you.

“Well I don’t need you to worry about me. That’s not your job, your job is to fuck me and leave. And you’re good at that. So you do your job and I’ll do mine”

“Not true” he retorted, face screwed up a little against the harshness of your words.

“You were the one that set those rules Adam” you replied, frustration tainting your words “You don’t need to act like you give a shit”

“Hey when I commit, I really commit” “Commit to what?” you shouted, losing a little of your patience as your ears started to ring and the blood pumped through your body like a steady beat of music. “Commit to you!” he yelled back “We may not be dating or whatever but when I want someone in my life I work for that. Clearly you don’t…we are supposed to be fucking friends after all!”

He had every right to be mad, you had barely treated him like a human being lately and the wash of guilt made your heart start to jump in its rhythm. You could feel the brush of heat up the back of your neck and your pulse thudding in your ears. You shook your head wishing away what you knew was happening; the panic of the overwhelming sense of everything was rising up from your toes. He couldn’t see you like this, it was too embarrassing.

Although your breath was basically coming out like gasps you looked up at him and firmly said “Please leave”

He shook his head “I’m not going anywhere until you tell me why you’re avoiding me. Did I do something?” You stood up from your seat on the couch but didn’t get very far, your body felt over stimulated and you couldn’t get your mind clear enough to decide where to go to escape him. So you started pacing back and forth, hands clenching and unclenching at your sides.

“Adam please just go” this time your voice betrayed you even further, the tell-tale break in your speech giving away the tears that had begun to brim in your eyes. You pushed the base of your palms harshly into your eye sockets, rubbing away the tears. “Hey hey hey” he said softly, reaching out for your wrists and you flinched back, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-“

“Please just leave!” you shouted, panicked breath coming out of you in heavy pants. “I can’t breathe” you whispered to yourself turning away from him. Your tears, now virtually unstoppable, cascaded down your cheeks as the panic truly set in. You swayed slightly as you began to feel light-headed.

“Tell me what you need” you heard him say, but his voice felt like it was miles away from you even as he stood mere steps away with his hands outstretched slightly in your direction.

This was it, you were officially going crazy. You couldn’t even handle a simple conversation or own up to your shitty actions. You stole a glance at Adam, his eyebrows were pulled down with concern watching you and a wave of nausea rolled up into the back of your throat. He was going to think you were insane after this, this was the last time you were ever going to see him and this was how you were acting. You felt your cheeks heat up, burning with panic and embarrassment. One of the only things that kept you afloat, the only thing had made you happy as of late, was going to walk out. You could imagine him telling his friends about the crazy chick he used to fuck on the side, “She just totally flipped out on me, honestly man fucking nuts” you could practically hear his voice already, full of mocking vitriol towards you.

Then you really started to hyperventilate, chest aching with the weight of your gasps, but something in the back of your mind gave you respite… that wasn’t Adam. That wouldn’t be how he would act. He was kind. You glanced up at him as your hands began to shake violently.

“I-I’m sorry” you stuttered out, you felt your body collapse underneath you as the room began to spin around you. He dove forward to catch you as your body buckled down to the hard wooden floor.

“Come here” his voice was gentle and barely audible to you but he held you tight, this time you didn’t flinch and he quickly gathered you into his arms in the fear you would move away from him again. “It’s just a panic attack, you’re going to be okay. I’m right here, it’ll be over soon” As he pulled you into his chest, seating himself on the floor with you, he stretched his long legs out around you so his whole body was caging you against him. Your breath instantly started to slow down as the warmth and closeness of him soothed you. He didn’t speak too much, he just calmed your mind with hushed whispers of “Shhh” and “You’re going to be okay”.

You clung yourself to him, vibrating with the force of the trembles that were wracking your body. Your teeth chattered in your head causing you to screw your eyes closed in pain. Your fingers wound tight in his shirt as your breathing finally began to even out. Your body released some of the tension that was winding your muscles tight and you leant a little more into his chest.

“H-how did you know?” you stammered, voice barely above a whisper as you regained your breath.

He shrugged “My mom used to get them… and my sister for a while. I’m used to it.” he smiled softly, lips merely twitching up at the edges as he gauged your reaction. He stroked his large hand through your tangled hair, massaging his fingers over your scalp as your body relaxed and you sighed. “Better?” he asked, placing a careful kiss to the top of your head. You nodded, the scent of his cologne and sweat drifted over you as you kept yourself gripped against him, not quite ready to be moved from his warmth.

“You didn’t have to do this” you croaked, looking up at him now. He shook his head and rolled his eyes jokingly, a smirk coming over his lips as he does it.

“You know we don’t just have to fuck right? We can be more than that.” he chuckled, holding your face gently with one hand, “We can also talk, we are friends right?”

You nodded again, looking up at him with wide glassy eyes. He kissed the tip of your nose and you scrunched it.

“Listen maybe we’re just friends for a little while. We can… get lunch or walk through the park when the weather gets better. Whatever you want” he shrugged, you smiled at the level of effort he was so clearly trying to give. Adam hated stuff like that, lunches out and walks in the park; he often said how trivial it all seemed to him. He liked to be at home in his own little world. So the fact he was offering to make you feel better was more than enough to bring a smile to your face. You nodded and giggled when he pumped the air with his fist in celebration.

“And you know, if you need someone to come with you to therapy or whatever I can do that too” he mumbled clearly unsure how you would respond, “You still go to therapy right? I know you mentioned it a while ago and I figured-“ he began to ramble nervously. You pressed your hand into his chest and nodded.

You pushed yourself up a little and placed a kiss to his cheek, “That would help, thank you”

He shuffled a little and rose to get to his feet before extending a hand out to you. You clasped your hand across his, so much smaller in his grasp, and used his body weight to pull yourself up on unsteady legs. He wrapped his arms around you a little bit, his body hunched over yours protectively.

“But first, you need food… and a shower” he paused for a moment, making small grunt-like thinking noises as he looked you over. Then all at once he dipped and gathered you up in his arms, you squealed loudly and wrapped your arms around his neck “What are you doing?” you protested through unsure giggles.

He didn’t say anything but started walking towards your bathroom. He kicked the door open with the toe of his boot and swung his arms so that your head just missed the door frame. He propped you, sitting upright, on the edge of your bathtub before reaching up and turning on your shower. He gestured for you to stand as the water began heating up behind you. Soft clouds of steam quickly started to rise up around the room and he nodded with satisfaction. He tentatively tugged at the base of your oversized-hoodie and you raised your arms above your head. He slipped your hoodie off in one swift motion and dropped it to the floor beside you both. You self-consciously crossed your arms over your now bare chest and he smiled down at you. He placed a kiss to your forehead before kneeling down to wriggle your panties off your hips and down your legs. You shuffled shyly, despite the fact he’d seen you naked so very many times, and stepped out of them as he reached your ankles. He tossed them on top of your hoodie, placing a tender kiss to your stomach as he knelt in front of you, before standing back up to his full height “I’ll get you fresh stuff and wash those” he noted, almost to himself as he spun you by your shoulders so you had your back to him. “You get in there” he pointed to the steady stream of hot water creating billows of steam in the small bathroom, “And I’m going to make you some soup, you still have cans of that chicken one you like?” You nodded once and he placed a firm kiss to your shoulder. With his hands on your waist he placed a final kiss to the top of your head before his touch left you completely. You smiled at his constant need to show you physical care, it was like he understood how even simple affection could heal even the worst of the pain your brain could throw at you. You turned to look over your shoulder as he left the room; like he sensed your hesitation he stopped and turned to look at you with a sweet smile…

“I’m not going anywhere, I promise. I’ll stay with you as long as you need me too”

[jungle321jungle]

Slither Into My Heart (Gorgon AU): Part Seven

Deceit didn’t bother to knock as he slammed the door open and glared down to wear Remus sat on his bed polishing his morning star.

“What did you do?” Deceit hissed.

Remus gave him a large smile as he looked him up or down, “Do you have the snakes just up there or are they down below too?”

If asked by Patton later, Deceit most definitely did not try to strangle the other side in that moment. Not all.

Also known as: Deceit is turned into a Gorgon. And the new annoying little snakes on his head seem to have an annoying obsession with Virgil.

Ao3 - Masterlist

Part One

Part Seven

Dee wasn’t sure he had ever moved faster, but just like that he was in his room slamming the door and standing behind it. His initial instinct upon hearing Logan’s words was to throttle the other side- but then he had seen Virgil’s embarrassed- Virgil’s blushing face and he had run- he had sprinted.

His face felt hot, and his heart drumming in his ears was drowning out whatever the hell the snakes were saying. God why the hell had Logan even fucking dared. That wasn't his place! When he got the courage to leave his room he was going to-

“Dee?”

Virgil’s voice may have well been ice in Dee’s veins the way he froze. But he also didn't respond, so a knock sounded at the door. “Dee?” he asked again. “Um, I... um... I yelled at Logan for you. Um, and about um...” He heard as Virgil gave a cough. “If you want to talk then yeah. If not I’ll just go.”

Bad Logan. Nice Vee. Vee not mad! Logan mean. Talk Vee. No talk Vee. Hide. Hide good. Talk good. Talk bad.

He wasn’t sure when he had fallen asleep- he wasn’t even sure he remembered dragging himself on his bed, but he did remember waking up. He was sitting up gasping for air, tears burning in his eyes. He swallowed trying to calm himself down but unable to he forced himself to get up and walk to the kitchen. He ignored the gazes of everyone who watched him pass in favor for filling a cup with water and downing it.

“Everything alright Deceit?” Patton asked slowly.

“Fine,” he breathed out refilling his cup.

“Talking may help, kiddo.”

“I don't-”

Talk. Talk good. Maybe help. No nightmares. Help. Talk.

He gave a sigh and after a pause he turned- taking in the fact that Patton, Logan and Remus (aka not Virgil) were sitting at the table before he joined them.

“Deceit,” Logan coughed awkwardly. “Firstly I’d like to apologize for earlier. It’s come to my attention that I shouldn't have overstepped my bounds.”

Dee shook his head, “I really don't want to talk about that right now.”

“What’s up with the snakes?” Remus asked leaning back in his chair. “Are the little devils refusing to be trained in dance?”

Dee didn’t even want to ask. So instead, he told the truth. “I... I haven’t been sleeping. I’ve been having nightmares about my snakes. I thought I had finally gotten used to them and then the shedding happened, and other things which just make it seem stranger and stranger but also forcing me to realize that I’m who I am now... a gorgon. But um... I can't help but wonder and worry about how far that goes...”

“What do you mean?” Logan pressed.

Dee gave a swallow before he let his eyes fall to the table, “I... I keep have nightmares about accidentally turning you all to stone.”

“That would be pretty sick, not gonna lie.” Dee’s head snapped up to see as Virgil walked in the kitchen. “Sorry, I’m not helping am I?”

“Oh! Maybe Remus can set rules for them,” Patton suggested. “He made the connection for Thomas after all.”

“I don't think so,” Logan mused. “The connection was initially made with him and medusa after all... the connection would need to be made with a different gorgon I assume. But that may threaten the snakes themselves.”

No like rules. Rules bad. Want stay. But stone bad! No stone! No want!

The conversation was continuing around him but his focus was primarily on Virgil. Because Virgil seemed to have been functioning as if yesterday had never happened. And Janus wasn’t entirely sure if that was a good or bad thing.

“Don’t worry Dee!” Patton said loudly while clapping him on the shoulder. “Remus will take care of it.”

Dee paused to look at Remus’ smile before he pushed the hand away and stood, “I don’t know how trusting Remus with anything is supposed to make me feel better. I’m going back to my room.”

~~~~

He slept in short bursts. Falling asleep for five minutes awake for ten, and then asleep for ten and awake for five. It wasn’t anything more than exhausting, but it was how Dee was apparently going to spend the day. He had resigned himself to that. And it seemed the snakes agreed. Their usual buzzing conversations were at a minimum or nonexistent all together. Rather they seemed to be just as exhausted and out of it as he was.

Dee held in a sigh. He wished he could bring them some peace at least. His nightmares were about them turning people to stone after all, there was no way they were in a good place. But he wasn’t sure what to say. Unsure what else to do he reached a hand up to his head and felt as the snakes moved to rub against his hand.

Hand warm. Pets! Want pets. Hand warm. Hand keep.

Dee gave a slight chuckle despite himself, “You can’t keep my hand. If you’re cold just say so.”

Cold. Not cold. Yes cold!

Dee rolled his eyes as he slowly sat up, “Do you guys want me to lay on a blanket or do you want to be in a hat?”

Their answer however wasn’t heard as a soft knock sounded on his door. But when he didn’t respond it came again, this time with Virgil’s voice. “Dee? Can I come in?”

Dee gave a sigh, as if he could say no, but to avoid looking Virgil in the eye he moved to the closet to find an extra blanket. “Sure.”

He heard the door open slowly followed by the sound of unsure footsteps and the door closing.

There! Blanket. Cozy! Warm. Want cozy!

“There’s only one blanket in here I can figure it out without the peanut gallery.”

“Sorry for interrupting,” Virgil said from behind him.

Dee took a deep breath as he grabbed the blanket and turned around. Virgil was standing in his doorway looking around as if he had never been in the room before. But more interestingly he had something behind his back.

“What did you need?” He asked awkwardly as he wrapped the blanket around his head.

“Um... I-I had an idea to help with your nightmares,” Virgil started his gaze now firmly fixed on the floor. “But it’s a bit childish.”

“What do you mean?”

Virgil gave an awkward swallow before he pulled something from behind his back and held it out. But quite frankly Dee had no clue what it was. It seemed to be a large hamster pillow with a long nose like an elephant.

“It’s a baku,” Virgil explained. “Its um a Japanese mythological creature that’s supposed to eat bad dreams. I um, I’ve had it for a long time and maybe it sounds childish and cheesy but um... if there’s a small chance it could help? And if it doesn’t if it helps we are part of Thomas so I don’t think you can turn us to stone. But I guess there’s still a chance- but I’m not scared um... just- just take the baku if you want. Not that you have to of course.”

Dee paused before he took the pillow, “Thank...thank you.”

Virgil gave a sharp nod as he turned away. “When you’re feeling better I, I wanted to talk to you about something else so um. Good night.”

“Night.”

As Virgil left Dee laid down and held the pillow in hands as he examined it. As he did so he couldn’t exactly stop the slight blush on his cheeks.

~~~~

“Dee! You’re not dead!”

“Obviously I’m not dead.”

“It’s been almost two days!” Patton protested squeezing him tighter.

“I was sleeping,” Dee told him, pushing him away. “And now I’m hungry.”

“You slept well then?” Virgil asked.

“Yeah... thanks.”

Thank Vee! Yay vee! No bad sleep!

“No problem.”

Dee made himself a plate and sat down at the table, “So um... you wanted to talk about something?”

Virgil gave a nod, “Yeah. Um... firstly, Patton can you uh?”

Patton cocked his head slightly in confusion before he seemed to understand and nodded quickly, “Oh uh I’ll be right back! I just remembered I have to... to uh... uh... make the bed!”

When he had left Virgil gave a soft sigh, “So um, about the other day. And what Logan said...”

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no!

Dee felt his face heat up and he was standing before he knew he was, “We can just pretend that never happened! Let’s just go back to normal, okay?”

Virgil’s head fell so his face couldn’t be seen. “But I... I don’t want to.”

“W-what?”

Virgil’s head lifted up slightly and Dee’s heart skipped a beat at the blush on the other side’s face. “I... Shit you’re really gonna make me say it? I... I like you Dee...”

For one of the first times in his existence, Dee was speechless. Truly speechless. Even the snakes were silent.

Virgil was giving him a slight glare, “Say something!”

“When’s the wedding?” Roman called from the next room.

“Fuck off!” Dee and Virgil yelled back as one.

As Roman cackled Dee sunk back into his seat and looked across from him at Virgil. “I like you too.”

Virgil gave a slight laugh, “Yeah I already figured that out.”

“Right...”

A weight fell from his shoulders, and Dee couldn’t help but give a sigh of relief.

Yes. Yes. Vee! Vee like! Vee like!

Yeah... Virgil liked him. It didn’t really make sense that Virgil did, but Dee wouldn’t exactly complain. “I don’t really know what happens now,” he admitted.

Virgil gave a shrug, “Me neither.”

Before Dee could respond, Roman walked in the room his eyes sparkling, “If you guys are looking for date ideas then I have a whole list that we can test before we send Thomas on one.”

“We just-”

“It’s in my room I’ll be right back!”

Ooo. Date! Need fancy clothes. Dates fun? Yes, fun! Spend time with Vee!

Dee rolled his eyes, “Want to move into the living room? I feel like this is gonna take awhile.”

“Or, we could always just go elsewhere before he comes back.”

“Anywhere in mind?”

“I found it!” Roman’s voice called.

“Does it matter?” Virgil asked heading into the hall.

Dee didn’t answer, rather he grabbed Virgil’s hand and reveled in Virgil’s blush as he let himself be pulled down the hall to who knows where. Because it didn’t matter where they were going, because if Virgil was going to he knew he'd be happy.

~~The End~~

Thanks for sticking around!

[sorry-i-ship-drarry]

39. Cuddle me in

Prompt used- Leaning on the others side| fluff | tired and stuck because of a mission, harry and draco comes across their past revelations |

" so I contacted the team and they won't be able to find us a back up team until morning. They said everything is mess there, apparently robard is high on some shit so. Anywho, we'll have to find ourselves a place to stay for the night " draco told harry as he chucked his wallet into his back pocket and wand over his belt loop.

Harry swished his wand, drying both of them up before tucking away his wand too " and how are we supposed to find a place in his barren place ?" He aggrieved

" well not my first choice either harry, we've got to walk until we find something " draco commanded as he started to walk forward slowly.

" why can't we just apparate?" Harry groaned following him

" because for one you dumb idiot, you've already been hurt, which by the way are you sure isn't hurting enough and secondly, where would we disapparate to ? We can't get out of here until we're sure it's safe to leave. Obviously robard wouldn't appreciate of us just escaping " draco rolled his eyes

" one, I'm fine. You've already done the honours of bandaging it with a cloth and secondly didn't you say he's high on some shit, he wouldn't know if we disapparated to some place better" harry groaned.

Impatiently draco turned around, halting his steps, exhaling exhaustingly " look I'm just as tired as you are. I too want to just go home and take some damn fucking rest but we can't apparate mainly because they keep a trace on us. They'd know we escaped this place. So please just do me a favour and silently walk with me without throwing another fit "

" whatever " harry rolled his eyes and walked past draco.

Draco cursed harry under his breath, being absolutely done with his bratty behaviour but nonetheless followed him.

They must've walked for almost 25 minutes when they finally found a bus stop.

" we can take a bus to the next more settled place ? What say ? According to the map here, the nearest would be river town" harry read from the map.

" sounds fine to me. When does the bus arrives?" Draco asked as he sat down on the lonely bench on a boring dark night.

" it's 9:15 right now according to my watch, so the bus would come around by 9:45 " harry sighed as he collapsed down next to draco.

" that bloody long " draco huffed.

" well we did miss a bus from 10 minutes ago so "

" if we could've just reached here on damn time " draco groaned, his head thudding back over the back of the bus stop wall.

" doesn't do good to dwell upon what's gone" harry said as he too pushed his head against the wall on his back

Draco hummed staring up at the ceiling, enjoying the momentary silence.

" can I ask you something ?" Harry asked after a few minutes of silence to cut the boredom. Draco had almost shut off his eyes when he lowly sighed, humming for him to go on.

"why did you had to be such a prat back in school ? Like there's nothing wrong with you anymore, you're nice, people like you, but you just bullied the hell out of people earlier! Did you enjoy doing that ?" Harry asked curiously gazing at Draco on his side.

Hearing the question, draco uplifted his head turning to harry" by people you meant you ?"

" me, my friends. Gryffindor's " harry frowned in approval.

" well I didn't bully gryffindor's as much as I bullied you and your friends. I never did it a lot quite frankly but I understand where it's coming from. However I do wish I had a better answer than I was just a stupid kid " draco shrugged

" stupid kid till you were 15 ? Really ? Doesn't seem so! I mean as far as I remember you were really sharp, you still are but still"

" yeah, I was just a stupid kid that's all. Although I did hated your guts, the praise you got for being the chosen one, how everyone just sort of moved away for you to walk upon kind of thing. Which of course was the time I never thought rationally about how it also created some really unrealistic expectations for you. Always thought you had it easy until I heard about you being on the run during the war " draco explained gazing forward with a small wrinkled smile over his face.

" oh yeah, what changed you mind when I was on the run?" Harry grinned curiously.

" I just sort of- I don't know understood a little. A large part of me wanted to just run away which by the way was what I thought back then, I had no idea you were on a mission. Well when were you not quite frankly. Anyways, when the news of you being the undesirable no. 1 Started printing out and how I sat through all the dinners of listening people framing your death, It just occurred to me then that even if I felt you had it all, there were people so aggravated to take all of it away from you. Think I was always a bit jealous until now I'm just jealous of how great friends you have " draco ended with a small smile turning his head towards him only for a moment before pressing his head back against the wall.

" see I always knew you weren't that bad " harry jokingly poked draco sides.

" it tickles, don't " draco chuckled

" if you would've been this nice during the first year, I would've shook your hands " harry said as he leaned a little over draco's side in a friendly manner.

Draco smiled at harry. It was in moments like these that draco remebered that harry isn't the person he always thought he was, it was then when he realised that harry was infact just like him, just a bit different and that maybe, he could allow himself to like him, if a little bit.

" mine is understandable, why were you a jerk ?" Draco asked

" because you were a jerk. You just always had to prove you were better and it just always made me want to put you out. Stupid rivalry " harry smiled, resting his eyes out of exhaustion.

Restless draco too shut his eyes for a few moments when without thinking and without looking he asks " do you think, If things had been right, if we weren't such assholes, you'd want to be friends with me ?"

Harry remained silent for seconds, that draco had almost assumed he had fallen asleep until harry continued " it's hard to imagine that way. You being you, me being me. We would've been terrible friend's but even if we wanted to, I think we would've hit a rough patch where we would've had to go separate ways and I don't think either of us would be able to handle that "

" and why is that ?"

" because what we would've been would not had been ordinary " harry yawned as he allowed himself to lean over draco comfortably, taking draco by surprise but didn't try to push harry away whatsoever.

" we're extraordinary then ?" Draco asked smirking, tilting his head a Little towards harry.

" not we, you " harry yawned again before draco heard his breath fading to sleep. And he didn't try to wake him up again, out of sheer embarassment of blushing at Harry's compliment or out of shock, draco didn't know, he didn't even wanted to.

When the bus finally arrived, Draco only woke harry for a couple of minutes until the got on the bus and occupied the last seats and then allowed harry to sleep again. Frowning to himself, draco realised he didn't feel the weight over his shoulder. He turned his head to see Harry's head over the sleeping person besides them. Unsatisfied, quietly and gently draco made harry lean over him. If draco had only known, harry had smiled in victory at the small gesture.

It took them almost another half and hour to finally reach a motel to stay in, much to their disadvantage Only a single bed.

" come on we're adults, we can share, can't we ?" Harry asked still a bit sleepy from before.

" I mean- i-if that's what you want. I could sleep on the- well- chair " draco stuttered, blushing. Thank goodness for the dark red room.

" nonsense. Just take a side and we'll just collapse" harry sighed.

After much contemplation, they finally decided to share the bed, draco taking the left side while harry got stuck with the right. Tired from the mission and travel, draco had almost falled asleep when he heard hustling on other side of the bed.

" whats up you kicky ?" Draco hummed

"I- nothing" harry sighed but didn't stop hustling.

" what is it ? " Draco asked again, turning towards harry now.

Harry looked at him, pondering over and over whether he should tell or not, until he decided, not much worse could happen so " I need an extra pillow "

" are you sure ? Your neck would probably hurt-"

" it's not for that" harry sighed " you see, I always hug a pillow to sleep, it's embarrassing I know, but I just can't sleep without it " he added.

Draco from 10 Years would've chortled to death but now, he fondly smiled at harry before he sat upright and called the reception for an extra pillow.

" thank you "

" what happened ?"

" yeah- they don't have it. Something about laundry " draco replied, putting off the phone away.

" nevermind then " harry sighed as he turned his back to draco and tried to sleep again.

Draco felt almost thumped by the way harry felt, until he couldn't believe he suggested something so outrageous " we could cuddle for a while. I mean I am a cuddly sleeper so won't be a problem to me. Unless it's awkward for you "

Harry turned around grinning before nodding, kiddishly. Moments later, harry and draco had finally tucked under the sheets, close enough when harry put his arm around the front of draco's and asked " would you do something for me ?"

Draco hummed.

" remind me to seize my moment tomorrow morning before it's too late " harry replied

Draco smiled knowingly " I will "

And then just before sleeping harry whispered " you're shit at lying by the way "

Draco smiled in his half Awaken state, knowing he got caught but for once, it didn't matter. For once, lying was worth it..

Requests open

Unedited

Day 38- set it up, break it up | Day 40- just keep swimming

[kiefbowl]

ew why tf are you dating a scrote

okay this is clearly a troll, but I’ll answer anyway since this seems to be a topic of interest to people lately. I wrote a lot and talked about sexual assault, so go ahead and skip it if that’s not your jam. disclaimer: I don’t have a problem or think there’s anything wrong with people who don’t want to follow me bc of the bf. that’s legitimate! please do what suits you. I think some of my responses have been perceived as snarky in the past but I only try to be snarky when I suspect a troll, I really don’t have a problem with people unfollowing me b/c of the bf or even telling me about it.

I worked with Malcolm for about a year and a half before we go together, but we got together for the first time 5 months after I had a brief but intense love affair with a meth addict that ended in big traumatic ways after he started using heavily again, which eventually cultivated in him raping me (not that it was the only sexual violence I experienced with him but that time was particularly horrific because I was heartbroken and he was high on meth). he was also a man, and the reason I started dating him isn’t so clear to me except that I was looking for a way to live recklessly and self harm. There’s a longer story there but the details can’t be told concisely and it’s no one’s business. In any case, everything that happened with him is not worth recounting, but it was long and complicated and continued even after the rape. To give some context about how bad it was, I also had worked with the meth addict (I’m not using his name on purpose), and part way through our relationship he got a new job. a couple weeks after the rape, he lost that job and got his old job back. yeah, imagine being dumped by a meth addict and the being raped by him and then he starts working with you when you know he is using now. not fun, pretty sad to think about.

I was in a very traumatized state for months. It’s hard to describe what it’s like, except you don’t feel like you’re living. You can feel very foreign to your own life. I felt like something inside of me was constantly pressing against me to get out, and if it did it would be me screaming. Like, my skin had become a suit to mask the babbling lunatic underneath. I would have random outbursts where I would wince in pain and people would ask what was up and it was just that the emotional pain was felt so sharply it became physical, but I felt like I couldn’t be honest with people. I did go to therapy, it felt like life and death. right around the time before Malcolm and I together, so a few months into therapy, my therapist gave me permission to feel okay seeking out love, sex, and relationships, because I was feeling very guilty that I might be using someone if I did. In any case, Malcolm showed up to my bday party, and was one of the last to leave, and I just was ready for the next thing after the meth addict bf. Every day I didn’t have sex, the last person I had sex with was him. I wanted to be normal again. I was feeling a little better, less freakish, but still so sad. So I said, okay Malcolm, come home with me and he did. It didn’t seem so bad to take Malcolm home with me because I wasn’t very interested in him long term, so it seemed like low stakes to end up hurting him. Low investment. Yadda yadda.

Malcolm was also convenient, he lived walking distance. he was nice, friendly, easy to hang out with. our emotional intimacy was very low, it was low low low low maintenance dating. Malcolm felt very safe, he was the polar opposite of the other bf. we had a casual, boring, unintimidating fling for a few months that sputtered out. if the other bf was like riding a roller coaster that was condemned, Malcolm was like taking a nap on the bus back home after a long exhausting day at the amusement park. I know, it’s not very sexy. But it was nice to feel like a human again, have proof I could be normal, proof I could do unsexy things like watch tv and go to brunch and it didn’t feel like I was a freak for trying after months of feeling like I had a neon sign over my head that said “idiot adult woman dated meth addict like it wasn’t going to end up fucking her over HA HA.” I was ready to go out with my new sense of normalcy and have fun with people I might be, er, to be blunt, more interested in.

BUT the most amazing thing was we stayed friends after the break up, which I had never had before. and even though the first few months of dating helped me feel normal again in a way, it turns out being raped by your meth addict ex leaves deep, painful welts. who could guess. Seeking out other relationships from scratch ended up being exhausting. When do I bring up that I’m not even a year from a meth addict raping me? Date two? I tried with other people, and it wasn’t working. I dropped dating, and focused on friends and work instead. But I missed him some days, and as things around me were starting to feel like they were crumbling again, he was there and around. He came over, smoked weed, taught me MTG, let me make him dinner, took me out to bars, listened to me cry, had gentle sex. Soon we were seeing and talking to each other every day. We spent enough time together that it became clear we were dating again, and this time around it was more enjoyable and more intimate. It felt easier to invest in our relationship the second time around because he already knew the baggage. We started dating and eventually, out of the sake of convenience, moved in together. 

But if it makes you feel any better, anon who is probably not reading this, the state of my relationship is not great atm. It feels like we’re very good friends that share a bed. I always had doubts about this relationship from the beginning, I was never really crazy about Malcolm and was tentative about being exclusive. I rationalized the relationship with thoughts like “you don’t know until you try” and “maybe this love is different love, and it doesn’t feel like previous love because I still need to learn more about love.” I don’t think that’s quite it anymore. But, we live together in an unpredicted pandemic, so I sort of made my bed. Plus, it’s hard to decide to break up with someone who isn’t bad just maybe not good enough. Maybe it’s my fault? some days I wake up and think, “oh well am I really giving him 100%? if I tried harder maybe it would be better.” Maybe it’ll get better? What’s life post pandemic and when is it coming, I can’t know. I’ve been depressed, will I get better? Will it change things? I also adore his parents, they’ve been amazing to me, they inspire me. they’ve opened their hearts to me. losing them weighs heavy. I love Malcom very much, he’s been a good friend and we’ve built a nice little life together that has a lot of parts working. How do you decide what day to hurt someone you love? Idk...I guess I entered this relationship to learn.

The Meth Addict has loomed large in our relationship and casts a long shadow. I’ve talked about it with Malcolm but I’m not sure he fully understands it. almost 3 years since my birthday we hooked up. That’s a long time. It’s as long as the relationship I had with my first love. I can’t predict the full story Malcolm and I will have, but I can see a potential break up looming closer. I struggle with it every day. Some nights, like tonight, it’s seems pretty clear cut. If I think this way now it pretty much proves I want to break up, right? But tomorrow morning he’ll make me tea and we’ll talk about our weekend plans and I’ll think “oh this is so nice, what was I even thinking about last night? I’m getting in my own head.” So I don’t know! I think about women a lot. I think about how I talk frankly about my bisexuality on tumblr and yet my experiences with men outnumber that with women. I feel like I’m cheating sometimes, like I’ve lead you guys to believe something that’s not real even though I’m not lying. I think about how I never want to cheat on Malcolm but I get crushes and I want to sleep with women and I wonder if I should be a mom and I think about his parents and it gets confusing. I feel guilty about thinking about our convenience because that’s cheating him and cheating me, but sometimes I wake up happy and much happier than I’ve been in 10 years.

So I guess the reason I’m dating a scrote is because I’m complicated and have a bit of a messy life, and I live day to day, and we make micro choices that lead to macro choices and then we make macro choices that lead to micro choices, and I haven’t pulled the trigger on breaking up with him yet. He was part of the healing journey because, well, he was here. In my real life. It turns out the women we follow on tumblr are very very human with lives far more complex that can be summed up in a few posts on tumblr. Maybe ask me in 50 years why I dated Malcolm, I’ll probably have a better idea why. 

[yeojaa]

LOVE HER, LEAVE HER - ft. pjm

You’ve loved him for as long as you can remember.  He loved you once, too.  But no one ever told you that sometimes that’s not enough.  That sometimes, loving is the hardest part.

pairing.  park jimin.

genre + rating.  angst.  fluff if you squint.  general.

warning / tags.  past relationship, break-up, unrequited love, moving on.  

reading.   n/a.  a stand-alone one-shot.  for now…

word count.  ~2200

“I miss you.”  He says, sweet and low and full of promise that you know he’ll never make good on.  His words ring eager, quietly drifting over airwaves to settle like a weighted blanket that keeps you rooted to the spot.  He beguiles you even as he tears you apart at the seams, stitching you together even as he ruins you.

Because you know it isn’t enough.  That you aren’t enough.

“Chim, please.”  You hate the way you sound - as if you’re begging for more.  Or maybe it’s less.  Frankly, you’re not sure what you want.

Would it be easier if he were gone?  Would the ache in your chest go away?  Would you be able to sleep without dreaming of him?  What would that be like?  It’s hard to imagine when he fits himself into every waking moment, his laughter ringing in your ears like a melody on loop and his brilliant smile burned into the backs of your eyelids.

“I’m sorry.”  But you think he must not be that sorry.  If he were, he wouldn’t do this again and again and again.

You’re so exhausted.  He knows that.  He must know that.  

Can’t he hear it in the way your voice trips over its own two feet, the heart cradled carefully in your hands shattering into a million little pieces?  Surely he can feel it when those same shards dig into his fingertips, begging to be put back together.

“You can’t keep doing this.”  There’s that desperation colouring your words the same pretty mosaic of black and blue as your broken heart.  “You can’t always come running back to me.  It isn’t fair.”

His silence speaks volumes - says more than the words you know he’s trying - and failing - to find.

“I love you.  You know I love you.  I’d do anything for you.”  Have done anything for him.

From staying up all night nursing his fever to picking him up at 3 AM when he’d decided he’d had enough to drink, you were always there.  You were always loyal.  A reliable presence in the otherwise unpredictable life of Park Jimin.

Maybe that’s why he did this.  Because he could - because you’d never stop him.

You were there, no matter when or why he called.  Even after he’d been out chasing the next big thing - and there was always something shinier, something better - you’d welcome him back with open arms, letting those devilishly long legs dance across your feelings as if they weren’t being crushed beneath his soles.

“I’m sorry.”  The apology is the same as it always is - heartfelt and affectionate.  All the love in the world is laced into each syllable.  It’s supposed to make you forget all about the pain, the way he strings you along and keeps you around.

And it does.  You hate it, but it does.

Because despite yourself, he’s the one.  He’s your one.  The one whose coffee order - two creams, a dollop of honey - you can’t get out of your mind.  The one whose hand warms yours when you’re cold, who loves you when you’re at your worst.  The one who you’ve invested every ounce of yourself in.

“I need time,”  he continues, as he always does.  “You know I love you too.”  You do.  Of course you do.  Even when you think he might not, you know better.  Despite all he does, he loves you in his own way.  “We’ll figure it out.  Just give me some time.”

You don’t dwell on the fact that you’ve given him days, weeks, months. That he’s had all the time in the world since he broke your heart a year ago.  Instead, you let yourself get lost in the way he tells you he loves you and how that ignites butterflies in your stomach, pretty little wings propelling your heart out of your broken brassy rib cage.

“How long?”  It’s a foolish, stupid question that you shouldn’t ask.  You’re never going to get the answer you want but you let yourself hope anyway.

“I don’t know.”  And that might be the most honest thing he’s said tonight.  He must realize it too, because his usual facade cracks and crumbles in the form of his voice faltering, hesitation creeping in like a cold chill.  You feel it in your bones, icicles forming beneath your skin.  You wonder if the patterns they form might resemble his silhouette.  “The right time will come.  It’s just not... right now.”

“I don’t know what that means.”  He doesn’t either, of course.  There’s no such thing as a right time.  You don’t live in a fairytale where things just fall into place, glass slipper fitting perfectly.

“Please trust me, baby.”

You hate how the pet name burrows into your thoughts, pervasive in the way it warms you from the inside out, thawing whatever icy exterior you’re trying and failing to uphold.

“This is so hard.”  You want to cry.  You can feel the tidal wave of emotion just beneath the warble of your words, a gargantuan wave threatening to overtake the current.  It climbs and recedes, never quite cresting.  You applaud yourself for holding it together so well.

“I know, I know.”

He has no idea. “You don’t know.”

“I do,” he insists in that way of his, the one that makes you feel silly and small.  It’s not condescending - far from it, in fact - but it’s so insistent that you momentarily think that you must be wrong.  “I think about you all the time.  You know that.”

“Don’t say that to me—”  Don’t get my hopes up, you think.

“You don’t want me to tell you how much you mean to me?  How it kills me to hear about you with someone else?”  You can just imagine his face, the way his mouth must pout around the question, already confident in the answer.  How he’d tilt his head just so, distracting you with the adoration in his eyes and the way his fluffy fringe would support his stare like a goddamn perfect picture frame.  “Because I do and it does.  I think about you every day.  I hate thinking of you with someone else, but as long as you like me more, I try to understand.  That’s how much I love you.”

Everything he says is a sucker punch knocking all the air from your lungs.  It’s like a certified K.O. that leaves you delirious on the ground, punch drunk in love and pain.

“I miss seeing you in my sweaters.  Or waking up holding you.  I think about how good you smell after a shower, or the way you laugh when I steal too much of the sheets.”  He’s so good at this - so fucking good at making you forget everything you hold against him.  It’s that patented Park Jimin charm that he turns on and dazzles you with.  It’s your weakness and he knows it.

It doesn’t mean it hurts any less, even when he’s spinning these cotton candy words that promise to keep you cozy.  Because you know the way it’s only temporary - that at any moment you might plummet through those sugar-spun clouds and shatter beyond comprehension.

“If you miss me so much—”

“Don’t say ‘if.’”  It’s not unkind and yet your cheeks heat, flooded with a guilt that gnaws at the pretty red ribbon that you’re sure connects the two of you.

“—then why can’t you just be with me?”  The million dollar question - another you know you’ll never get the right answer to - but, surprisingly, one you haven’t voiced. You’ve always been too shy, too soft, to make such a query.  It wasn’t in your wheelhouse of skills - so maybe that’s why it takes Jimin off guard.

He hesitates, pauses a beat too long as he mulls over your question.  “You know I don’t like ultimatums.”  It’s more of a relenting, a half-earned admission that doesn’t truly satisfy your curiosity.  

Somehow, it’s exactly what you’d expected.

Finality isn’t something he takes lightly.  He always weighs his options, considers all the pros and cons.  That’s why he still keeps you around - because you’re a safety net.  Even if he makes the wrong choice, you’ll always be there to welcome him back with open arms.  At least that’s what the horned advocate on your shoulder tells you, all red-eyed and spiteful.

“I know.”  There’s an unspoken - and unnecessary - apology threaded loosely between your words and the devil bristles, scowling at the man that could give her a run for her money.  Because surely that’s what Park Jimin is - Satan in disguise, leading you through the halls of Hell and calling it love.

You wonder how long you'll continue to follow him or if you'll ever stop.

It's two weeks later, on an overcast Wednesday afternoon, when he appears at your doorstep. 

"What're you doing here?"  The words come before you can help it, tipping off your tongue and crashing into the silence between you like a boulder.  It drags his sunny expression down with it, all the light in his eyes suddenly dimmed.  It makes your heart twist uncomfortably.

"Do I need to have a reason to come by?"  It's rhetorical, you're sure.  You can see it in the way he stares at you, the subtle turn of his jaw that doesn't leave much room for response.

He steps past you, silver-adorned fingers finding the shape of your waist, thumb drifting lazily over cotton as if it's the most natural thing in the world.  You suppose it is, but that doesn't keep your heart from thudding in your chest, nearly bursting out of its confines.  You have to remind yourself not to lean into the way he coaxes you closer, invades your personal space like you're one and the same.  It's near impossible.  You almost forget to breathe.

He smells so good - like Christmas morning, bright and crisp and dizzying to your senses.

"Didn't you miss me?"  Another question that doesn't beg an answer.  Yet he still demands one, presses insistence into the curve of your cheek, the silk at your temples.  His lips - full and pink and endlessly soft - trace his request, as intoxicating as cherry wine. 

"You know I did."  You mean to be reproachful, to steel your nerves against the fire he ignites beneath your skin.  "But you can't just show up like this."  Like you mean something to him - like he'll stay for longer than the day.  All words you should say, but can't.  Because despite it all, you'll take these secret, half-given parts of him and hope that you can piece them all together into something whole.

"I won't do it again,"  he says so sweetly you almost believe him.  

He's looking at you like you'd hung the stars in the sky and he's trying to find the meaning of the universe in the way your mouth curves and the flutter of your lashes.  But then again, it's nothing new.  You know he'll be distracted when the next meteor shower comes, all too fascinated by the streaks that illuminate the night sky and dim your light.

When you don't immediately respond, giving into him in that same way you always do, his expression shifts, twists and turns around a poorly hidden frown that marks his otherwise pretty features.  There's an edge now, all sharp corners that you cut yourself on in your haste to appease him. 

"Let's not fight."  

Three simple words and he's  your own personal Apollo again, bringing the glory and warmth of the sun into your atmosphere.  He strikes you with the way he smiles, how his eyes wane into little crescents - the moon and sun to your stars.  It's like basking in the July heat and it warms you from the inside out;  it reminds you of every happy memory, painted in rosy shades that keep you coming back for more, more, more.  

"Good idea."  He's catching your hands in his own and pulling you close, booted foot kicking the front door closed with a soft thud.  "Let's watch a movie and lay in bed all day.  I'll even braid your hair."  A small, inconsequential thing to anyone else but one that makes your heart soar. 

It feels so much like what it used to be.  How can you say no to this?  To him?

"I get to pick what we watch,"  you finally give in, relaxing into the way he holds you.  It's home in every sense of the word, lulling you into a sense of security you can't find anywhere else.  Your head slots into the space between his neck and shoulder, nose cold against his collar.  You inhale once, twice - the sweet scent of nectarines and flowers - and try to commit this moment to memory, tucking it neatly among the folded pages you've written together.  

"Of course, baby."  

And before you know it, you're two bodies folded as one.  Where his breath is yours and your heart beats in his chest, limbs tangled and intertwined as wholly as can be while some movie plays forgotten in the background.  When his laugh sounds from your lips and you can feel his pulse in your ears.

You wish it were enough.  It'll never be enough.

notes.  this fic is mainly based on the idea that... jiminie is a big libra baby.  a big, flirty, won’t-let-go-but-won’t-make-up-his-mind libra baby.  i say this with experience, as a fellow big libra baby.

anyway, i was supposed to finish chapters for two other stories but instead, you get this soft, nonsensical angst.  enjoy!

[straycat-writes]

l’appel du vide (nakahara chuuya)

l’appel du vide (french n.) - “the call of the void”; the instinctive urge to jump from high places.

requested by: anonymous

warning(s): Alcohol, swearing

You sighed as you dropped into bed with a dull thud. The clock on the bedside table blinked 2:00 AM, and after the incredibly long day you had just had, you wanted nothing more than to crawl under the covers and not emerge for a full 24 hours. That, apparently, was not to be, however. You were teetering on the edge of sleeping and waking, just about to fall asleep, when your phone began to ring on the bedside table.

Mumbling a curse under your breath, you sat up in bed and rubbed your eyes. You reached for your phone, your bleary vision not allowing you to check the caller ID as you picked up the call.

“Hello?”

“(Y/n), hey!!!” said a slurred male voice from the phone, “How are you, baby??”

You blinked, then frowned, “…Chuuya?”

“Who else?” he said cheerily from the other end, before letting out a string of vile curse words as you heard something crash loudly in the background.

You sighed, already feeling a headache coming on, “Why are you calling so late, Chuuya? And are you drunk?”

“I just wanted to hear my darling’s voice, is that too much to ask for?” he whined, “And yes, I mayyybe be a little tipsy, but that has nothing to do with it.”

“Not your darling.” You muttered under your breath as you frustratedly threw off the covers and got off the bed, searching for your keys, “Where are you?”

In Chuuya’s vocabulary, ‘a little tipsy’ meant ‘wasted off my ass and on the verge of passing out’, and whatever history the two of you might have had, you couldn’t leave him be when he was like that.

He paused, as if to consider what to say, “So-somewhere…drinks…bar…I don’t know.”

You rolled your eyes, “You know what? Nevermind, there’s only one place you frequent anyway. Just…stay there. I’ll be there in a few.

True to your words, five minutes later, you were in your car driving towards Chuuya’s favourite bar in the dead of the night. You ran a hand through your hair, muttering to yourself in frustration, “Why, why, why did this idiot call me of all people?”

It had been a month since you had seen him last. All you remember of that last encounter was a lot of screaming and yelling at each other interspersed by strings of curse words before the inevitable ‘I want to break up’ came. You didn’t even remember which one of you had been the one to say it, but frankly, it didn’t matter. It had been said, and that was that. You had completely cut yourself off from him after that, in order to wallow in your sorrow alone and in peace, and as much as it pained you to think about now, the thought of how Chuuya might be holding up hadn’t really crossed your mind.

The answer to that was obviously ‘not good’, as it became apparent once you parked your car outside of where you thought he might be and went inside. Chuuya was getting chastised by the bartender, but he didn’t really seem to be listening, instead looking spaced out and smiling like an idiot. In hindsight, you should have seen this coming. Chuuya has never been too good at dealing with stressful situations, and only has two sorry excuses of coping mechanisms: destroying something or getting drunk off his mind. When he saw you, his face lit up like a Christmas tree.

“(Y/n)!!” he trilled, “You’re here.”

Choosing to roll your eyes in favour of gracing his wasted ass with an answer, you went up to him and tried to get him to stand on his own two feet. After apologizing profusely to the bartender on Chuuya’s behalf, you managed to half lead, half drag Chuuya back to your car. You dumped him unceremoniously into the passenger seat before getting in yourself. But instead of starting the car, you just sat there for a while, arms resting on the steering wheel and head resting over them. How did we even get here?

Back when the two of you had still been together, you used to think you’d spend the rest of your life with him. That was before everything went wrong. It was no one’s fault, really, and after a month of shutting yourself away, bingeing on ice-cream and crying yourself to sleep, you had just about convinced yourself it wasn’t meant to be, and that you were both better off away from each other.

But then this bastard decided to drunk dial you in the middle of the night, and here you were.

You felt a slight tug at your hair and looked up to see Chuuya twirling a lock of it in his fingers, “I love your hair. It’s beautiful.”

“Shut up, Chuuya.” You muttered, moving his hand away from your hair as you started the car.

“But I want to talk!” he whined, before quietly adding, “I missed you so much.”

Your heart skipped a beat at that, but you willed yourself to keep driving, “Just…please shut up.”

When he didn’t say anything for a while, you glanced at him from the corner of your eye. His head was resting against the window, eyebrows scrunched up as he stared outside with a very displeased expression on his face. Like he wanted to say something but couldn’t figure out how to.

There were dark circles under his eyes, as if he hadn’t slept in days, which he probably hadn’t, and your heart clenched in your chest. You knew Chuuya had little in the way of self-care habits, but you hadn’t thought it would get this bad. Any third person looking at the two of you would have immediately pointed out that the look of exhaustion on his face mirrored the one on yours, but the thought never occurred to you.  

“Just what the hell have you been doing to yourself?” You mumbled quietly to yourself, not really expecting him to answer.

He heard you though, even through his drunken haze, and let out a bitter laugh. It sounded almost sober, and that surprised you enough to look over at him again. His eyes were glassy and rimmed with red as he looked at you, and even though he definitely wasn’t sober, he looked slightly more in possession of his wits.

“The past month has been the worst in my life.” He said after a while, “Hell, I haven’t got so pissed drunk since that shitty Dazai left.”

You sighed in frustration, “And what do you want me to do about it? I’m the last person you should be coming to.”

“Maybe. Probably.” He mumbled, “At this point, I’m really not sure what I should be doing. I…wish you’d just listen to what I have to say.”

“Listen to what you have to say? There’s nothing left to be said, Chuuya.” You said, getting increasingly distressed as you tried to keep your eyes on the empty road, “It’s done and over with, and just when I thought I’d come to terms with that – “

“I know, I know.” He interrupted, a strange kind of desperation lacing his voice, “But will you please, please just hear what I have to say?”

As if I have a choice, you wanted to say, but didn’t, and he took your silence as a yes.

“I miss you, (y/n), so much. And I know it doesn’t…doesn’t mean…much to you, but I’m so sorry.”

You snorted at that, and he fixed you with an incredulous look. You shook your head.

“I really am, and I – I don’t know what I was thinking, I just – “

“Chuuya.” You interrupted, “You’re just rambling nonsense now. Just…shut up, we’re almost at your flat.”

He sighed, “I…I guess I was just afraid.”

“Afraid?” That had piqued your interest, and the question was out before you could think the better of it.

He was hesitant at first, but then nodded, “Being with you…it felt – felt like walking the edge of a cliff. Not in a bad way, of course, but it felt so…foreign, I guess you can say. I have never been so utterly and completely in love with someone, and I knew if I accepted that and fell over the edge, you would be right there to catch me. So that’s not what scared me…”

You were listening to every word that tumbled out of his mouth with the utmost attention, partly because you were genuinely curious, and partly because you knew he would never talk this openly if he were sober. So, even though some of what he said hurt, you listened.

“What scared me was that…I…I often found myself actually wanting to…jump off that metaphorical cliff. Each time I realized what I was thinking, I would be horrified, because…well, it meant letting myself go, and you know that doesn’t have any good connotations for me. I didn’t know if I should, if it was the sensible thing to do, or even the right one, but…I don’t know if you’ll understand, (y/n), but being so completely in love with someone that you want to completely hand yourself over to them is…frightening, to say the least.”

All this time, you had been listening to him in mute wonder, not wanting to interrupt whatever trance he seemed to be in. He got scared and left you…because he loved you too much?

When you didn’t say anything, he cursed under his breath, “Damn it, this is harder to explain than I thought it would be. I’m not doing a very good job, am I?”

“What? No, it’s just…” You wanted to say you understand, you really did, but you weren’t sure if that was quite true. By now, the two of you had reached his flat, and you parked the car in front of his building, looking over at him frowning.

“Shit…I’m sorry, I just…fuck!”

“Chuuya.” You interrupted, putting a hand on his shoulder, “Chuuya! Look at me. Calm down.”

He sighed, then looked over at you with sad, red rimmed eyes, “It’s just…I’m sad. I’m sorry. I suck. I love you.”

Neither of you said anything for a good two minutes after that, just sitting in the car and listening to each other breathe. Then you sighed.

“Well, you’re certainly very eloquent for someone as pissed drunk as you are.”

He blinked at you, confused, “What?”

You shook your head and smiled at him, a thin, watery smile that dripped with sadness, but a smile nonetheless, “Let’s get you inside.”

You weren’t even sure if he’d remember any of this in the morning, or if he really did feel the way he had just described, so scared to love you, to be in love, that he pushed you away. You had no idea how to handle this, and the ache in your head just kept getting sharper and sharper. For a moment, you even caught yourself thinking that maybe it’d be better if he didn’t remember anything in the morning. That way, the both of you could go on living your lives as if nothing happened. But could you live with such a big ‘what-if’ hanging over your head?

As you drove back home in the dead of the night, after putting him to bed, you decided you weren’t ready to find the answer to that question yet.

[yyxgin]

no bar!! never fret about replying late. i know what it’s like to not want to talk to anyone. honestly. i won’t call it (my experience) a depressive episode bc one of my friends used to brush off me when i was saying things like i’m depressed and say ‘sad’ instead. like if i were to say ‘that made me/i am depressed’ she’d say something like ‘oh god same! like if it’s making you sad,, don’t do it.’ which is a v poor example of what she did but i never called it depressed after that bc she pissed me off n was disregarding of my feelings (even though she’s incredibly anxious herself) bc i didn’t get it officially diagnosed. idk if you’ve ever read about birth control pills but i always read on tumblr people calling them literal depression pills and i ignored it, thinking either 1) people were being dramatic / were over-dramatising it or 2) it wouldn’t happen to me anyway. it fucking happened and they were not being dramatic. i was never happy n always working on minimal sleep n making self depreciating jokes all the time bc it was the only way i could cope with my thoughts n constant mood swings. so what i’m trying to say is,, i know how it feels. if that’s any consolation. it’s not me trying to be ‘oh me too!’ or ‘mine was worse than you’ it’s just me being understanding n telling you it’s okay. also lemme at your friends!! i’ll stomp them out n get the barman to run them over for you!! they’re so mean to forget you!! i find that deciding i want to do something specific n then asking the appropriate people if they want to do saïd thing/place works for me. it can be a simple ‘we should do this, when are you free?’ helps. making it known that you want to do things helps. or aggressively remind them that it’s nice to be asked bc it means they thought of you even if you couldn’t go n tried to include you. or we can revisit me stomping them out w my beloved barman,,, whatever works best for you my dear <3

admittedly me and one of the girls were discussing that we are going to miss our manager. even though literally everyone moaned about her (i feel like it’s impossible to avoid in literally any job/situation) she did have her moments and she did a lot for the staff like after work-drinks, asking the chefs if we could order off of the customer menu instead of the staff menu or whatever they cook in bulk for everyone to take home in the evening. apparently she did this a lot more than the previous manager. she has a good heart but sometimes she ignored some of the girls when we ask for days off or our availability for the week which was very annoying of her. it could’ve been a lot worse, i suppose, but overall she wasn’t terrible.

thé lady who lives in my town and drops me given the chance, told me the other night that she used to be the duty manager. i asked her why she stopped and she explained that when they furloughed everyone they asked her to come back on like half pay or something? idk i just remember it being explained as they wanted her to come back sooner and take away her furlough so she said no and got demoted. but somehow she still gets some of the furlough? idk i have been taught that asking how much or discussing specifics of paychecks kind of thing is rude, growing up. she has been telling me they keep asking her to come back (now they’re asking her to be a supervisor since she declined the manager role) and she keeps saying no. i love her and want the best for her so i won’t say anything to anyone about the conversations me and her have had (i mean, apart from maybe my mum if i can remember, and you bc, let’s be real, you don’t know me and idk you) and she says they’re just difficult to work with as a management team. she even said our area manager isn’t impressed with our current assistant manager (who is currently the only person on an houred contract since our manager left) which shocked me since i personally think he is quite good considering he has a good relationship with the staff and kitchen (he’s thai so he can communicate with the kitchen better than most of the wait staff (some wait staff are thai but mostly not)) i think she doesn’t want to be the eldest person in management or she doesn’t want the age gap to be so big since she has a kid she can lecture at home, she doesn’t need to be looking after people at work, y’know?

also today, me and one of the girls were upstairs (two floors of the restaurant!) and it’s nearing 11pm and her brother (who also works there) comes up and asks us when we’re finishing (mostly her lol) but we had two tables just sitting talking amongst themselves so she just said idk. he was saying he wanted to go bc he’s tired etc n he’s driving n she was like it’s fine go home i’ll call an uber or something n he was refusing to leave her behind. (i feel like i brushed over the two tables sitting there but it must be noted they’re the only tables left in the entire restaurant and we were the only two wait staff still there, apart from her brother but he changed and was waiting downstairs). anyway, she was sweeping (i was cleaning the booth/sofa thingy chairs as it was a mundane task we could do to pass time and while she was sweeping by one of the tables thé boyfriend was whispering to his girlfriend saying ‘should we go?’ and the girlfriend said ‘why should i care?’ and the girl came over to tell me v quietly and i got so upset for her. bc she is literally the sweetest person on the earth and the only reason i didn’t go to ask the manager to see if i could go home with the lady who offers to take me (ex-duty manager lady!) was so she wasn’t alone up there. if i had been the one sweeping near that table i would’ve snapped so fucking hard at them. i mean, we’re 18 and have lives and sleep schedules, and we’re working until 11pm on a thursday before we even get home?? like i wouldn’t have minded staying if they were reasonable tables but after the gf said that i was like ‘shall i go get our stuff from the staff room?’ so i could split as fast as possible. in the end the temporary acting manager came up and told us we could finish and she kicked the tables out ten minutes later. i told her what the table saïd and she thought that was mean and unnecessary too. i was also worried about my sleep tonight since i have my first vaccine tomorrow morning. that’s why i was more pressed about what time i left work today. oh well.

im sorry for talking so much about work! sometimes i don’t have someone to talk to about it (at home) bc of my weird hours and sometimes i don’t like re-explaining things to my mum if she doesn’t get it the first seven times. sometimes it’s just a little too draining as she doesn’t understand since she’s a lifer at her job. it’s easier to explain to my dad but then i get a whole lecture on something that i ultimately have no control over n id rather just bitch w the girls at work but the problem is WE’RE AT WORK!!!

also i booked for my first tattoo!! i’m excited. it’s for next week,, which was super quick considering i was expecting to have to wait soooo much longer. i’ve been telling people about it and that it’s happening but i haven’t had the pleasure of telling people exactly where i got the idea from. bar, my dear, you know wheein’s new album, redd? well, it comes with loads of things, including these stickers (one for each song) and the one from springtime was just so perfect and when i saw it my first thought was, this would be a perfect tattoo. and so i am having it tattooed on my body. a subtle nod to kpop whilst also having something meaningful on my body. i also have just decided i want a small, minimalistic (or one-line art) rose on my sternum, kind of in the valley of my breasts, bc my nan was a rose. i like having her close to me. i recently got her necklace fixed which has left me feeling so incomplete after it broke in august last year. it’s been almost ten years and i think i’m long overdue something to remind me of her. i fiddle with my necklace when i’m nervous which is why i love it so much but incase it breaks again (i pray it doesn’t but i have a long life ahead of me) i would like her close still.

gosh there’s never enough space in my head to remember what i want to tell you so i’ll stop here for now since i should sleep to be able to wake up in time for my first jab. i’m scared but it’s whatever i’ll do it i suppose,, eeek 😨

ilyl ~ 🌻

thank you so much for opening up to me about this, it means a lot to me :( i am so sorry you had to go through this and honestly,, i really resonate with you. i feel like when i talk about my emotions and my sadness (dont know if its okay to call it depression either but yea), my friend either always either makes me feel like my emotions arent valid or she tells me she doesnt know how to help, which is frankly, why i dont talk about my emotions to people irl anymore. i dont open up and it takes me a long long time to do so if i ever do, because i tend to feel insecure/not safe :D so really, thank you for telling me and i hope you are doing better. your emotions are valid and i am always here for you 

HAHAHA i mean i dont have many friends so theres not many to stomp on:( but i mean,, i get passive aggressive when i feel forgotten/left out so you best believe i told my friend how im feeling, but like uhhh it didnt do much. i spent the whole weekend at work and i was free on friday but my friend decided to ditch me and yeah. i havent been out in like two weeks now and i mean i am an introvert so i dont mind that much but even i want to socialise sometimes

aah i mean every manager has their flaws, no one’s perfect. my manager keeps calling me to go to work even though i was literally there for 11 hours on saturday AND sunday which means i worked for 20 hours in two days. and i work 20 hours a week at max. and i already worked some hours before the weekend so i think i have like 30 hours now and she keeps calling??? dude i need a break too,,i am so exhausted and tired of this shit :dd

oh i totally get what the lady that drops you off sometimes told you. i would feel a little iffy if i heard it too, but like,,,judge by your own experiences!! if you feel like something is off, you can always leave,, so i wouldn’t be so stressed about it.

why are people so rude ??? dude,,you should care, because we are all human. everyone has their needs and their lives and i bet he wouldnt like it if he was the one in your place. why should you stay there longer just because he didnt want to leave?? that was so unnecessary. people are weird beings and i learnt that after working with them this weekend,,,like i litereally got screamed at because i couldnt accept cash in different currency. like,,what tf do you want me to do?? i dont have every single currency with me so i could give u the change ?? tf ??

ALSO ITS OKAY TALK ABOUT YOUR WORK HOWEVER MUCH YOU WANT !!!! i also feel like i dont have anyone to talk to about work bc my parents dont listen to me as much as they used to these days and my friend unsurprisingly just doesnt care bc she doesnt work,, and i dont wanna talk to my internet friends abt it as much bc i feel annoying so i am glad us two can talk about these things together !!!! 

YOUR FIRST TATTOOOO WHOAAAH thats so cool. i love tattoos hihi dfkja idk if u already had the appointment but tell me how it went after !! i wasnt able to find the sticker on the internet but im sure it looks hella pretty. also i love how it reminds you both of kpop and your grandma, its wonderful <3 i really want to get a tattoo one day,, and i also want something meaningful (not that i am hating on people that tattoo themselves just for fun and have no meaning behind their tattoos i just have commitment issues so i want something long lasting). alSO my crush (yes i have a crush now ew) has a tattoo and it looks like satan lowkey,,but apparently its a japanese something (i forgot the word oopsies) and it means jealousy, bad past and wisdom ?? i was like BOY IF U DONT??? fjdkla he has blue hair btw i am very much whipped but he also doesnt know me and i am older than him so this is embarrassing

ALSO I HOPE YOURE FEELING WELL AFTER GETTING THE VACCINE !!! 

ily <333

[brokenfoetus]

...Real Talk for a Moment....

This is gonna be a long rant post, so by all means... quickly scroll past. Parts may even be a tad emo feels for some folks for one reason or another... There’s no shame in skipping for reals.  A lot of days I can’t bother to read anything too in depth... anyway... HERE goes.... While I absolutely love art, and performance, and surreal awkward characterization of myself I call “THE END”. I also value truth, and being understood. My blog here started more as a journal for me to vent, and place to post music and art for me to look at in order to try and just relax during a very difficult point in my life. Every now and then I like to stop and ground myself and post in a sense about the actual me.  There’s frankly not anything magical here, everyone has a story and their experiences and struggles we all do no matter who you are. I suppose like I said, I just like to be understood where I am coming from typically can only be slightly grasped like anyone.  Even if you agree with views and relate to feelings, things become clearer with details.... hence my rants. I get it out of my system and state my perspectives all at once and anyone who happens to be curious gets to read it. Maybe gets to relate and frankly that tends to help us sometimes. It helps people realize they’re not alone in their situations.  Anyway.... I was born a tiny premature gremlin on the east coast of the U.S. I was raised a devout Catholic boy. At age 11 I was diagnosed with the chronic illness Diabetes. when the symptoms started my mother called doctors concerned. We had to wait a full month for my appointment.  It was rough. Some people don’t know of the disease, but most people generally are aware. It typically doesn’t seem all too dramatic to most since people think of it as old grandma and grandpa taking their pills and measuring their food. When you’re talking juvenile onset diabetes it’s different... severity can vary. but, I caught some sort of virus, with flu like symptoms... I was very very sick for a week or two.  Once it passed, I was okay but slowly started feeling gross in other ways.  By the time we got to see Doctors it was too late, and the damage done to my pancreas made it so it created pretty much no insulin. The only theory Doctors had at the time was the virus freaked out my auto-immune system so it made my body attack itself.  It seemed that my white blood cells had attacked my pancreas. I was 11, so... I didn’t know what diabetes was. I asked my doctor if there was a cure, and he explained that there was no cure. My little boy brain after feeling so awful for a month and a half assumed I was going to die. I burst into tears as I was very very afraid. My Doctor quickly explained I wasn’t going to die like I had assumed and that it can be treated. It doesn’t seem so scary most the time when you realize it can be treated. The thing is the hormone insulin can be quite dangerous, as low blood sugars are actually very much more dangerous than high blood sugars. Insulin allows glucose in the blood to travel into cells to basically use as fuel. without it sugar levels rise in the blood stream, and the body starts rapidly breaking down fat cells to use as fuel. Now, that happens normal some anyway usually after eating. Just not rapidly.... when it does, the fuel it breaks down creates ketones which can make the blood toxic... by making it acidic.... Like I don’t really think... there’s any way I can describe what high blood sugar feels like... or what it feels like when your blood starts to become acidic.... I can’t... but... minor low blood sugar attacks can happen to anyone just by skipping lunch or forgetting to eat... and those suck... bad ones... well... they feel like you’re dying. Not to be melodramatic about it all... but that’s all I can say to explain it... it just feels like you’re dying.  Probably because you sort of are..... The brain runs on glucose so when the levels get too low... your brain panics and tries to save itself and alert you. It’s not fun. It’s been many years since I had anything dangerous or serious in terms of low blood sugars but, a couple times in my life when I wasn’t doing very well emotionally and mentally I wasn’t paying attention or being careful with my insulin dosages and how much I was eating. I’ve had 3 grand mal seizures in my life when I was younger.... it’s hard to explain the experience... in mine... I don’t know.... It was like not existing at all, there was nothing. I woke to pain, I couldn’t see or hear it just hurt. Everything hurt head to toe. Then I could hear myself saying it hurt, then I could hear the people around me, and then I could see the people around me.  Then I knew what had happened.  I felt a bit guilty for scaring my loved ones so much.  That honestly made me more upset than the pain. The reason I spell all this out... is my life has mostly been surrounded by fear. I’ve been aware of my mortality and trying to avoid dying on a daily basis since I was a very young boy. The strange thing I suppose.... is after a while... you just get sick of being afraid.... you kind of stop being scared and just get angry... I was a shy timid nervous little dude.... I’ve had long long times where... I’ve felt worthless, I’ve hated myself, felt I didn’t deserve happiness, or love. I’ve let people use me, without standing up for myself. I’ve let people be toxic and cruel, while excusing their behavior. While at the same time condemning myself for any tiny mistake I may have made in any way. I’ve made myself a martyr in personal relationships, sacrificing myself and my feelings. I’ve frankly... done a whole bunch of fucked up things turned inward. The nice thing I suppose, is I don’t do that anymore.... I still make mistakes, and I like to take responsibility for them and make amends or fix them. You can get used to some really fucked up things. Especially when struggling with self worth. I used to think I was useless and undeserving. Today... I’m well aware I’m a PRETTEH PRETTEH GOFF BOI.... I have long time close friends who love me just as much as I do them. I have a wonderful beautiful lovely lady who has my heart and soul whom I want to spend every moment I possibly can with until my bones are dust.  Who helped me a great deal over the past couple years or so.  Helped me with myself and helped me believe in myself again. Just by being my friend and supporting me while I continue to be the eccentric artist asshole I am. and I have Scrambles... THE MOST CUTEST BLACK KITTEH KAT EVAR. I feel rather lucky to have all I do. I appreciate what I have very very much. I’ve been dealing with Diabetes since I was 11... and had been dealing with Severe Major Depression symptoms since my early 20s. over the past five years I finally started getting help, Turns out I don’t just have diabetes.... I have adhd and some kind of sleep disorder. we’ve been calling it narcolepsy but it’s hard to say exactly, it could be hypersomnia which is a super fancy way of saying I’m fucking always exhausted 24/7 which is pretty accurate.  That is usually caused by narcolepsy or something else but... who knows... still trying to figure that part out. I have discovered though that, being fucking exhausted non stop for 20 years will make you very depressed.  Sometimes depression makes you tired, and sometimes being tired makes you depressed. When I was a young lad, I gave myself one single life goal.... That was to finish an electro industrial album and play some live shows. I dunno, to some that might not be a big deal.... I never said it had to be “good” after all. But, when I was at a low point dealing with my stuffs, trying to take care of myself... I honestly spent most my days sleeping. I was awake maybe 4 hours a day.  Things felt very hopeless, that learned hopelessness made me believe things were pretty much pointless.  I would shrug... and talk to my psychiatrist about my suffering in a manner that people talk about the weather.  I didn’t even care anymore it was happening.  It was “oh well... is what it is.” Until I got angry, it was a good thing I was so frustrated.... because it meant I finally gave a shit again. I wanted to get better and I wanted it to hurry the fuck up. Anyway... I’m just rambling and ranting because I was thinking back a lot after doing a sleep study... probably the first in a series of them. I don’t have apnea so I mean... that’s good. I also got to see what some of my brainwaves look like... I also apparently wake up after dreaming some a lot... I also apparently yelled in the middle of the night hahaha. So back to the whole life goal thing.....my long time friend, who introduced me to shitloads of music and bands and has always been close through good and bad times.  Was saying how he knew it was something I’ve always wanted to do, so he wants to help me.  He’s starting to help me plan the performance and then later will help me setup my shows and come with me to what will be really awkward and silly first couple gigs I play.  An open mic night will be particularly hilarious to me, since instead of hearing shitty rock song covers, it will be an insane goth punk dude screaming distorted vocals to weird electro noises haha.  It’s taken a long time to get shit finally going... but... it’s getting there... it’s still going to take a lot more work... on both me and the music.  I have countless things I have to do, but I’m just happy I finally got angry enough to scream fuck it... and go for it... I love a lot of various kinds of work. I don’t really fit there very well though.  Now that the sleep disorder stuff has become worse over time... it’s not really possible anyway.  That’s okay though, since now I’m just doing what I’m actually good at.  Eccentric artist asshole has always been my key features.  xD So, here’s some photos of me before and during my sleep lab and random enjoyable crap I suppose... and my general mood.  It’s been a while....                                                  -The End-

[hellshiremisfits]

The Ballad of Sorrow Creek ~ Chapter 3

(Warnings: Drugs, Mention of drug abuse, Canon Typical violence, mild disassociation)

There are several ways to add insult to injury.

Having a bloody marshal waiting for one in one's room for no discernible reason is injury. The insult is having said marshal be the weird guy from church.

Caleb frowned, leaning against the door frame as the man rose from a chair by the window.

"You must have been having a busy morning, Mr. Quinn," the marshal greeted, and Caleb sneered.

"What d'ye want?"

"Talk."

"About?" Caleb asked, hand resting on his revolver. Something about this man was unsettling, and it wasn't just that he was a marshal.

"A friend asked me to warn you. He fears for your life." The marshal eyed the revolver wearily, before seeking Caleb's gaze. Caleb smirked.

"Y'know, you..."

"Wouldn't be the first marshal you've killed?" the marshal nodded. "I'm aware."

"Is that why yer here? Justice for a fallen brethren? He got in our way and..."

The man raised a hand. "Are you willing to hear me out?"

Another frown. Caleb still wasn't feeling too well, and now he was frankly getting annoyed. "Name a good reason."

The marshal eyed him for a moment as if waiting for something. Then he licked his lips in thought. "Henry Bayshore," he said dryly, and Caleb's hand was on his gun immediately.

He didn't get to shoot. He didn't even know if he'd drawn his revolver. Everything went black before that.

Caleb didn't know how much time had passed when he came to again. Only thing he was fairly certain of was that he was fucking angry. Correction: that was one of two things he was fairly certain of. The other was that he was neatly tied to his own bed.

"Sorry, Quinn," someone said. Miss Josie. She was sitting in the chair next to the bed, knitting as if all was normal. "I trust Marshal Jacobs 'ere wi' his message more than I trust ye wi' yer temper."

Caleb gave her a look of pure outrage at such betrayal, but Miss Josie just twirled a needle menacingly. "Now will ye 'ear the marshal out?" she asked cooly, watching Caleb struggle against his bonds.

With a growl that faded into a groan Caleb finally nodded, glaring over at the marshal. "Spit it out."

The marshal nodded, calmly rolling a cigarette. "My name is Dan Jacobs. I'm a US Marshal over in Lander County..."

"That's in Nevada, innit?" Caleb interrupted. "Yer quite some way from home, Marshal."

Marshal Jacobs nodded. "I got business in Lincoln. And about a week ago I received a message from a friend of mine. Ethan Murdock."

"Never heard that name," Caleb snarled.

"But he has heard of you, Mr. Quinn."

"He and dozens of others. What's yer point?"

"He's worried for your life, Mr. Quinn."

A long, annoyed growl followed, and Caleb rolled his eyes, tugging on the bounds again. "That's all nice an' fuckin' dandy, but..."

"Will you hear me out, Mr. Quinn?"

Caleb glared, but nodded. Miss Josie's needle twirling while her eyes were fixed on his crotch might or might not have had a part in that decision.

"Five years ago I met Ethan Murdock," Marshal Jacobs said. "Not on a friendly basis, though. He had broken into one of Bayshore's offices."

This got Caleb's eyes to sparkle. "I think I'm starting to like this Mr. Murdock." He grinned a toothy grin.

"Oh, you'd get along well. He's a reporter on his own terms, and after his arrest Ethan confidentially told me of evidence of severe foul-play in some of Bayshore's recent business activities. Ethan was determined to bring Bayshore down. I wrote it off as a mad whim, if not vile jealousy or plain slander, but then someone made an attempt on Ethan's life, and his rooms and office were ransacked."

Another nod, this one much more stoically. Caleb was listening intently.

"I don't think it will surprise you that these incidents destroyed the evidence Ethan had. Most of them; otherwise, I would not have believed him at all."

"Take it there wasn't enough left, however?"

The marshal shook his head. "The charges concerning the break-in were dropped. Much to Ethan's dismay, however."

"I get him. Bayshore's been up to something an' arranged for that," Caleb gave an angry twist to his mouth.

"Ethan thought so too. He was forced to keep things low-key from then on, and... and I think this will interest you most; he found out about the planned acquisition of Hellshire just a little too late to inform you. This is why Ethan's so eager to protect you, now that you are back."

Caleb simply groaned and rolled his eyes again. "So, what exactly does this Mr Murdock want to protect me from? Bayshore's dead."

"You've been informed his body was never recovered from Hellshire?" Marshal Jacobs gave Caleb a scrutinizing look. "You have. Look, Ethan thinks Bayshore's gone for good, and so do I. But he had children who are just as bad as he was. And Ethan suspects that Bayshore's successor will want to settle some things."

"Tsk," Caleb shook his head. "I appreciate the concern, but I can very well look after meself."

The marshal and Miss Josie exchanged meaningful glances, and Miss Josie looked coldly at Caleb.

"Tell me what time it is, Quinn."

"...what? Noon, or something..."

"It's quarter past midnight, Quinn," Miss Josie said, picking up a different ball of yarn.

"Quarter past... Oh fuck you." With an exhausted groan Caleb sank deeper into the pillows.

"Look, Quinn, we both know ye would have shot the marshal wi'out second thought. Can't have that, what wi' him bein' here to save yer arse. So when the lass told me ye was all dizzy an' dozy, I put a lil' somethin' in yer coffee. Would have put it in yer whiskey if not fer that."

"And threw out the whole bloody bottle afterwards?" Caleb quirked a brow.

"Desperate times, desperate measures, Quinn. Would have put it on yer tab."

"How are we friends again?" Caleb groaned, "Heh, didn't ya just say I'd have shot him without second thought? What would ya've done if I hadn't keeled over jus' in time?"

"Oh, there been 'nough in that coffee to knock a normal man out before he'd reach them stairs. So I figured ye'd be out cold around the time ye reach fer yer iron." Josie puffed her chest proudly. "An' I been standing behind ye, just in case."

She grinned and Caleb grimaced, muttering several curses. Then he glared at the marshal again. "So, what does this Murdock think will happen?"

"He suspects they'll put Kelly on your trail. He's still alive and still has his gang. And got quite a bone to pick with you."

"The feeling is mutual, y'know," Caleb squirmed a little. "Look, the warning is appreciated, but I can look after meself, unless someone turns out to be some backstabbin' old hen."

Miss Josie smiled cockily. "Can a lass quell yer wrath by cookin' yer favourite later?"

Caleb pondered this. "If ya swear it's not poisoned."

"Swear it on yer cock," Miss Josie singsonged, making Caleb avoid the marshal's surprised gaze, before clearing his throat.

"Aye, that will do." He looked back at the marshal. "Tell me, Marshal, yer a man of the law, what can ya tell me 'bout Kelly's whereabouts?"

Marshal Jacobs licked his lips. "I thought you'd never ask. Last time anyone heard from Mason Kelly and his gang was little more'n a month ago, at the border to California."

"Heh. If Kelly's got any bit o' sense in his head he made off to Canada or Mexico as soon as he heard I'm back."

Miss Josie smiled knowingly at Caleb. "So when do ye expect him to show his face in Glenvale?"

"'Bout next Thursday."

The marshal chuckled at that and rose. And then his face hardened. "Do be careful, Mr. Quinn. It's only our guess at what will be done, but Ethan and I, we're fairly certain that it will be done."

Caleb exhaled in defeat. "Tell Mr. Murdock I'll heed his warning."

A nod. "I will. Good Night, Mr. Quinn." Another nod, this time at Miss Josie. "Miss Josie."

Moments ticked past after the marshal left.

"So," Caleb drawled. "Are ya going to untie me now? Me shoulders are getting sore."

Miss Josie smiled, put her knitting to the side and leaned over to undo the knots. Caleb sat up slowly, rubbing his wrists.

"What, no quips 'bout 'enjoying the view a bit longer'?" he teased, but his face quickly fell upon seeing Miss Josie looking so distressed. "C'mon, Josie, what's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"'Nothing' me fine Irish arse," he muttered. "The Josie McKee I know would've told anyone with such a yarn to go to Hell."

Miss Josie smiled a strained smile. "I almost did, Quinn. But..." She sighed.

"But?"

"Ye wanna know the truth? I'm worried fer ya." Miss Josie shook her head. "An' I don't mean in any 'Ye cannot watch yer own back all the time' thing." Slowly, and so carefully it made Caleb worry, Miss Josie sat down on the edge of the bed. "Listen, Quinn. Ye knows I come in here when ye sleep to see 'bout yer light," she nodded at the candle on the nightstand. "Ye almost burned down me establishment already."

Caleb blew a raspberry. "That was one time."

"Aye. But it's all I got. Me girls too."

"An' it's not even yours."

"Oh, tut." Miss Josie whacked her finger, "I'm keepin' an eye on it and I'm running it. At least till Newport shows his arse in Glenvale again, thank you very much."

This was greeted with an amused huff. "One of these days I'll figure where ya buried him."

"I didn't bury him." Miss Josie took a deep, sorrowful breath, and sought Caleb's eyes. "All joking aside, I'm really worried fer ya." She reached up to tug a strand of hair behind Caleb's ear, gently rubbing her thumb over his cheekbone. Caleb held his breath. There was maybe just one other thing Miss Josie could do to hammer home how dire she deemed the situation.

"Caleb." There it was. "Ye've been crying." Miss Josie shook her head. "I've never seen ye like that, but it scared me. An' ye wouldn't wake up when I tried. Are ye alright?"

Caleb squirmed a little, edging away from Josie. "Am fine," he mumbled. Miss Josie didn't buy it.

"Look at me," she said gently, caressing his cheek again. "I've known ye fer me whole life. I've seen yer best and worst. An' right now I see yer scared out o' yer wits."

Snapping his jaw back into place and biting his lip, Caleb looked away. He wasn't someone to let others on to what he was feeling (unless it was rage), but Miss Josie had always been one of the few people to see right through him. And she was right.

"How d'ya do that, Josie?" he murmured, still not looking at her.

"Known ye me whole life, just said so."

Caleb smiled halfheartedly. "Nightmares, that's all..." Again, Josie didn't buy it. For a moment, Caleb tried to stare her down, without any success. He sighed, looking away. "Ya know them nightmares where ya get so scared ya wake up cryin' only to realize how fuckin' silly yer brain's being? This wasn't one o' those."

Miss Josie shuffled a little closer, laying a gentle hand on his thigh.

"'Twas...," Caleb continued, struggling with finding the right words. "''Twas like I was remembering things, but that don't make sense."

"If ye want to talk 'bout it, I'm here."

Slowly, Caleb let himself fall back into the pillows, staring at the ceiling for a while.

"I was in this... something. Looked Japanese... And there was this lass. Black, weird clothing, like she was runnin' round in her bloomers..." Caleb ran a hand through his hair. "She was scared of me. And... I dunno, I think I tried to tell her I knows who she is. No... I did tell her. But... it was to calm her down, not to... She was so scared. And then there was this... thing...," he wriggled his fingers, "Like some fucking spider the size o' a house. An' it was angry. Like furious. At me. For... I think not killing that woman. I told it to go fuck itself, an'... how I knew what it did to me?"

Miss Josie gave his leg a gentle squeeze.

"Don't make much sense, does it?" Caleb said, forlorn. "But I feel like it happened. And then... something grabbed me, choked me, an'... things crawled under me clothes and...skin... and..." he absentmindedly reached into his shirt, tracing fingers over the new scars. "Then something went right through me chest... this thing's claw or somethin'. An' I knew I was in for something worse than death... but..."

"But?"

"Then this girl picked up me gun... Ya could see she never even held one... I think she wanted to help..."

"What happened?"

Caleb smiled wryly. "Put the spear right through me heart, she did." He patted his chest. "Last thing I heard was her shouting she's sorry, and there was this screech of betrayal and... I just wanted to be back home..."

Caleb bit back a sob, rubbing his arm over his eyes. Miss Josie gently pulled him into a hug and caressed his back while he buried his face against her neck. They sat like that for a while, until Caleb pulled back, taking a ragged, heavy breath.

"Look at me, soakin' yer dress crying me bloody eyes out. What would people think o' me?"

"That ye'd shoot their guts out if they go makin' a funny comment 'bout it."

Caleb gave a sniffling laugh, rubbing his eyes again.

"Prolly would. But... I'm not jokin'. That shite was fuckin' frightening." He pulled up his good leg, resting his head on the knee. "Josie?"

"Hmm?"

"D'ye think that's what happened when I was gone?"

"It doesn't sound real, does it?"

"...No... but..."

"Hey," Josie reached up to Caleb's cheek again, lifting his head to look at her. "All I know is ye was gone fer two years as if the earth opened up and swallowed ye whole. And then ye showed up just as suddenly. I think a lotta things are possible here."

Caleb nodded quietly, falling back into the pillows.

"Will ye let that keep ye down?" Josie smirked and got up.

"Heh, naw. It came fuckin' close, though." Caleb smiled softly, scratching his chest. "I'll need some time to wrap me head 'round it."

Josie nodded gently. "I think ye should try an' rest proper."

Caleb nodded back. "Guess so..." Then he remembered something. "Did any messages come in while I was out?"

"Oh. Aye." Josie took a small envelope from the nightstand and handed it over. "Aaron brought in a telegram fer ye."

With a suspicious glare Caleb inspected the envelope. Good, at least he could still trust Josie not to read his things. He tore the message open, reading.

"Well then," he finally murmured, scratching his head.

"Somethin' amiss, Quinn?"

Caleb looked up. "Nothin'. Just asked an old acquaintance for advice on something."

"Anything I should be worried 'bout?"

"Naw. But I'll be headin' to Omaha in a couple o' days. He wants t' meet with me."

"Yer back to yer ol' tricks, ain't ye?"

Caleb smirked wickedly. "Ya know best it's a good idea t' keep me busy."

Josie smiled back, nudged his shoulder and bid him goodnight.

Caleb turned the message over in his hands, pondering. To say that there was a lot on his mind was putting things mildly. He had planned to not tell anyone about that nightmare, but all things considered he felt... relieved? That Josie had known something was wrong. He knew he would have despised anyone else seeing him cry. But God knows it did frighten him, as nonsensical as that dream had been.

Nevertheless, his hand wandered under his shirt again, tracing the scars. It was impossible to have happened, wasn't it? He'd remember more of... anything that happened in the past two years if that had been the case, right?

He ran a hand through his hair and stared at the far corner, half expecting this thing from his nightmare to manifest from the shadows. It wasn't the relief he might have hoped for when it didn't.

All things considered, he'd have to wait and see about this matter. He focused on the message in his hand again.

Blayne wrote he'd meet Caleb in Omaha to tell him about this Mr. Wallace. And Caleb wondered if he hadn't bitten off more than he could chew.

Downstairs, the saloon was packed.

Miss Josie stood on the gallery, surveying the crowd below as per usual. She always had good judgment when it came to people, and at this hour of the night, being able to pick out the troublemakers was essential.

And tonight there were a few new faces she couldn't say she liked. Something about them set her on edge.

There was this guy in the dark poncho by the piano who tried a little too hard not to let anyone notice that his eyes were continuously flicking over the doors upstairs. And it wasn't 'cause he was deciding whether or not to get it on with one of the girls; Josie was certain about that.

Josie also felt someone's eyes on her the whole time she was in the main room, but couldn't spot the person looking at her. Which was worrisome.

"What's eating ya, Miss Josie?" someone asked next to her, and Miss Josie turned.

"Hey, Charlie. Funny seein' ye here."

"Wanna keep the one eye I got on Quinn, y'know," Charlie grinned, flipping a finger against his eye-patch after adjusting his clothes proper.

"Ye been in the wrong room fer that," Miss Josie grinned. "He's well. Hopefully sleepin' now."

Charlie nodded. "He's got that creepy aura 'round him since he's back."

Josie nodded. Charlie was one of those 'spiritualists', and sometimes he said things that made Miss Josie wonder if he wasn't on to something with all that.

"Don't he always have a 'creepy aura' 'round him?" Miss Josie quipped, and Charlie smiled.

"That's on account o' the things he does. No, I mean... he's got the devil on his back more than ever, it feels like."

"Yer gonna put down yer tarot cards fer him?"

"Not without his permission. Y'know it won't work well if he's not alright with it." Charlie gave Miss Josie a scrutinizing glance.

"What?"

"You're really worried 'bout something, Miss Josie."

Josie just wrinkled her nose. "Oh, take an inspired guess. Yer right, something's off with Quinn. But does that surprise ye? He's been gone fer two bloody years, an' now he shows up an' has no mem'ries of it whatsoever."

A nod. "Y'know how some folks say he jus' buggered off to New York or San Francisco for morphine or opium or something? Wonder what they'd be sayin' now."

"You go and ask 'em, Charlie; ye shoot three of 'em."

"Eh, don't think they'll be talkin' to me after that..."

Josie chuckled, and turned her attention to the crowd below again.

"Charlie?" she hushed.

"Hmm?"

"I need ye to keep yer eye on that bloke in the dark poncho by the piano."

"What he do?"

Josie explained, and Charlie furrowed his brows.

"Think he's after Quinn?"

"Would it surprise ye?" Josie drummed her fingers on the banister. "How many people got a bone t'pick with'im?"

"Enough to empty a fuckin' graveyard. Alright, I'll stay on his heels."

Nodding in thanks, Josie headed down to the bar. The night was still young.

Upstairs, Caleb tossed and turned in his bed, trying to get comfortable in at least the slightest bit and failing miserably. Maybe it was remembering that nightmare and trying to make sense of it; maybe it was something different, but something had set him on edge. Rather groggily he hobbled out of bed, checked the door and the windows, and finally reached for his revolver. Still loaded, all good to go.

With the weapon placed on the nightstand, Caleb laid back down, blowing out the candles. He had to focus on something else. Anything. His mind was a mess, and whatever Josie had put in his coffee still lingered in his system.

Yet he tried in vain. There wasn't much to think about when it came to this Mr. Wallace. He could always ask at the Post Office; maybe he should have done that to begin with. Did they have a marshal in Glenvale again? He had somehow managed not to check for it this entire time. If they had, maybe he could ask there, too, before heading to Omaha.

Though, maybe he shouldn't do any of that. Emmett Blayne wasn't a man of many words, and when someone like that asks you to meet him to discuss a matter, something's deeply amiss.

The other problem was Marshal Jacobs' warning, though that was the smaller one. If someone wanted to pick a bone with him, Caleb would be ready. Bayshore and his ilk weren't as clever as they thought, so there was a likely advantage. At least that problem was going somewhere.

With an annoyed grunt, Caleb turned over again, wincing briefly as pain shot up his leg. He's really ought to stop it with the sudden movements in bed. He grunted again and closed his eyes, nagging himself to get some sleep.

That was when he felt the cold breeze against his cheek and heard a window rattle.

His eyes shot open and he found himself outside an odd building, snow falling around him.

Caleb blinked, once, twice, before rubbing his eyes. He looked down at himself. He was fully dressed, his overcoat heavy with snow and the Redeemer in his hands. This was a dream, wasn't it? Sure, he could feel the breeze against his skin and the cold biting into his lungs with every breath, but ... This had to be a dream. Well, at least he had fallen asleep.

He looked around. And his brows furrowed.

He was standing at the open doors to a building unlike any he had ever seen before. Next to him stood some massive metal boxes he figured were meant for trash, at least if he interpreted the odd bags next to them correctly. Something in him wanted to investigate the material, but something else, something stronger, urged him on to do what he came here for.

No. Not 'came' here for. Was brought here for.

He stepped into the building, an unreal, flickering light illuminating narrow, tiled corridors, crammed with unadorned beds and wheelchairs. Was this some odd kind of hospital? He bent down to pick up something from the ground. A folder. Seems his hunch was right, this was a hospital, but...

His eyes fell on the date in the files. That couldn't be right...

Something made a bang down the corridor to the left, and he dropped the file, turning, half-curious as to what had caused that sound, half... taken over by an odd hunting instinct he'd never felt before when tracking down a mark. That had always just been business. This was like… a need.

Windows rattled in the cold air as he hobbled steadily along the empty halls; broken, loose tiles clicking under his boots. There was no one in sight as he came to stop at an odd contraption, an engine of sorts. Caleb wanted to reach out to touch it; to inspect it, but it was like his hands were glued to his gun.

Then he caught a movement from the corner of his eyes. So there was someone here, trying haphazardly to hide themself behind the dirty bed in the corner. Caleb wanted to prompt the person to come out, but his tongue disobeyed him. Instead, he stepped forward, eager to bring whoever was there to the ground.

A part of himself wondered why.

He lunged forward, taking the young man in hiding by surprise and slashing at his side with the gun's bayonet. The young man gasped out in pain, stumbling forward.

Caleb blinked, shocked. The guy couldn't be older than thirty, and by all means—as outlandish as his clothes looked—he was some sort of bank or post office clerk or something, maybe an accountant. Not really the kind of guy to have a bounty on his head.

What was going on?

The man took off.

Something urged Caleb on to give chase, and his feet seemed to move on their own, heading after the young man. Fingers twitching, Caleb raised his gun, and wanted to slap himself for it. There was no clear shot to be made here, and what had that guy done to begin with? Something told Caleb he had to hunt and... sacrifice the... meat...?

Caleb hesitated.

What sort of fuckin' shite was that?

He shook his head and, with all the willpower he could muster, lowered the gun just as the young man ducked into a doorway. Something roared in Caleb's ears, something angry.

And then there was another sound. A horn of some sort, and the roar grew angrier. Again his feet moved on their own, and he turned a corner. There was someone in front of him, and the sign made Caleb as angry as the roar in his ears did.

Bayshore.

No. Wait.

That was impossible, he told himself. And blinked. Bayshore's form shifted, flickered, and changed into a young woman, a really nice-looking one at that, with bare, tattooed arms and wearing next to nothing. Still the voice in Caleb's head tried to tell him that that was Bayshore.

What the fuck was going on?

Caleb edged closer to her, his hands raising his weapon on their own again. He tried to fight it; he wanted answers, not blood. The woman just stood and stared at him until he was maybe one or two steps away. Then she grabbed at something leaning against the wall, pulling it down, and Caleb felt a hard hit against his head.

He staggered and saw the woman run the other way through blurred vision. Some kind of alarm rang out, and he tried to steady himself, looking around, when he felt four sharp stings in his neck. He lost balance again and sank to his knees.

He couldn't breath.

The gun dropped from his hands, and he dug his fingers into his throat as if trying to pry something out of it.

Something was choking him.

He coughed, tried to cry out; but only a rasping gasp escaped his mouth. And then the lights around him grew darker.

For a moment he was certain he was losing consciousness, but the angry roar in his head made him realize that couldn't be the case.

This something was angry. Disappointed in him; in his performance. Dismayed at his disobedience. Displeased with his failure.

A dark, heavy fog rolled in, surrounding Caleb, engulfing him.

...No...

And the world around him twisted; the shadows grew, spider-like tendrils bearing down on him, intent on tearing him apart and worse...

He woke with a choked gasp.

Rain drummed against the windows, running down the glass in thick drops, and Caleb laid on the floor, wrapped in his blanket with a horrible pain in his head. Sitting up carefully, he reached for his forehead, and hissed in pain as his fingers touched a bloody spot. The blood on the nightstand explained the rest.

That was going to be a headache for a while.

Caleb gave himself a quick check to see if the wound was worse than it looked, and finding that he was otherwise fine—no cuts or anything on his throat—he pulled himself onto the bed again. He'd still have the doc take a look at his head. Better safe than sorry.

He waited for a moment to see if anyone would come to check on him, and let out a soft sigh when that wasn't the case. 'Twas likely too early in the morning. The rain made it impossible to tell, and Caleb had forgotten to wind up his pocketwatch the night before.

With another sigh, he slowly laid back down.

He'd had a lot of weird dreams in the past, but this one... Something about it... scared him. The place; the people; the pain... and again... that ungodly, otherworldly spider thing.

[taexual]

HOLIC - 31 | jb x reader

pairing: Im Jaebum x Reader

genre: enemies to lovers au | roommate au

warnings: angst + fluff + strong language + mild sexual themes aka the whole package

words: 8.3k (oh wow)

disclaimer: i do not own the gif, please let me know if it belongs to you, so i can give proper credit

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Your morning started an hour early because your phone’s incessant vibrating under your pillow made it feel as though an earthquake had started right in your room. Whining in a manner that resembled the terror-stricken screech of a pterodactyl far more than it resembled a sound any human would make, you pulled your phone out from under your pillow and squinted your eyes to check the time before you checked what had happened.

It was five in the morning. You were more than ready to kill the reason why your phone was blowing up but then you noticed that it was Jaebum. The text messages from him were coming too fast for you to read them, however, and as you turned the chat with him on and began to reply – hoping to ask what his last wish was before you killed him – he must have noticed the three dots, and called you immediately.

Now growing concerned, you picked his call up and cleared your throat before actually speaking.

“He—”

“Jesus, you will never believe this,” Jaebum started before you even managed to get a word out. He sounded out of breath as if he’d been running while texting you. “They called me. They fucking called me! They said they—”

“They?” you repeated, your voice groggy. “Who—”

“Wait, were you sleeping?” he asked, realizing suddenly. “Oh, fuck, it’s—I’m sorry. Do you want to go back to sleep?”

“Yes,” you said, the exhaustion turning you into the least pleasant person possible. Jaebum paused, sensing you were going to continue. You did, “but you already woke me up, so tell me what happened.”

He debated hanging up and calling you later – when you sounded less dismissive, perhaps – but he realized he couldn’t really keep this to himself any longer – hence the countless text messages he’d sent you.

“My supervisor called,” Jaebum said. You were still too tired to understand why that was a big deal. “He has a night show, so his sleeping schedule is all over the place—anyway. He called to tell me that his team liked it. They liked my song.”

“They—oh, shit!” you sat up in bed, the news waking you up as well as an electric current would. “Jaebum, that’s amazing!”

“God, I know!” his enthusiasm was evident through the phone call and, all of a sudden, you didn’t care about sleep anymore. You found yourself wishing he’d told you this in real life – although, perhaps not so early – so you could have seen the smile on his face. “He said he doesn’t mind playing it on our station but he doesn’t think I should play it on my show – because that’s not fair – so he sent it Cato – he’s the nephew of my boss, so, naturally, his show is at five, right when everyone gets into their cars and turns their radios on as they drive home from work –  and Cato’s going to play it on his show. Today. He—i-it’s happening.”

“Today?!” your voice was a whole octave higher and you weren’t sure if Jaebum could understand what you were saying anymore. “That is fantastic, I’m so happy to hear that!”

“Yeah!” Jaebum sounded like he was seconds away from jumping up and down and, once again, you hated that you couldn’t physically see him in that moment. “So, listen, we have to celebrate. Cancel your plans tonight. I already called Mark. He said he’ll kill me for waking him up this early after we completely empty every drink at his bar.”

“Oh, that’s good,” you said, still giddy. “I’ll join in. But not today, though. Today is all about you. I really can’t believe this.”

“I know,” you could hear his excitement in his voice and it filled your chest with incredible amounts of joy. “I wouldn’t have submitted the song without you. Thank you.”

Your smile widened after hearing this but you shook your head even if he couldn’t see you.

“No, it’s all you,” you told him, sincere. “But I did say your song was amazing, didn’t I? Repeatedly, if I remember correctly. Good to know my taste is universal.”

Jaebum laughed – the sound making your heart beat even faster – before saying, “you know Jackson is going to get jealous that he’d tried to convince me to do it for so long and to no avail, while you did it in just a few days, right?”

“He won’t get jealous,” you disagreed, not trying to act like you knew Jackson better than Jaebum did but knowing that there was no way this was going to be the case. “He won’t care. He’ll just be happy this is happening for you. I am happy, too. Truly. You deserve this.”

The silence on the other end of the call would have made you think he’d hung up on you but you could hear his soft breaths so you knew he was stilll on the line. It killed you not to know what he was thinking, though.

“Thank you,” he ended up repeating. “You have no idea how much you’ve done for me.”

The sincerity in his voice was an indication that he wasn’t just thanking you for helping him out with the song. He was grateful for everything. And he’d meant it when he said you had no idea about any of it because if you had, you wouldn’t have been struggling to breathe all of a sudden because his voice was so gentle and so different to yesterday when he’d told you he wasn’t interested in dating.

“I’ll text you later,” Jaebum started to speak just when your face fell at the memory. “But find a free moment at five, would you?”

“I will,” you assured him, your heart full of warm emotion despite the bitter disappointment of yesterday slowly creeping in. “Beware, though, all of my text messages from that point onward will have more exclamation points than actual words.”

He chuckled at that, making you smile and strengthening your fight with yourself as you tried to keep thinking straight. Only when the call finished were you able to finally exhale, some of the wistful excitement leaving your body along with your breath.

There was still quite some time before you had to wake up to get ready for work but you already knew you weren’t going to be sleeping anymore. The excitement of knowing that Jaebum was just one step away from achieving success had filled your bloodstream with enough adrenaline to last the whole day and the sudden disappointment that followed when you recalled his confession – which, essentially, firmly locked the entrance gates to an actual, real relationship you’d thought you’ve been approaching with Jaebum – only seemed to strengthen the deadly amount of epinephrine inside of you.

You fell back onto your pillow, face-down. Screaming seemed to fit your mood – the pillow would have muffled the sound – but you didn‘t feel like screaming. Your desperate need to be with Jaebum didn‘t manifest itself in an aggressive way. Instead of wanting to yell and throw things around because, as it turned out, even after all this time, you still didn‘t understand him, you just wanted to sigh, groan, and... give up, really.

You‘d decided some time ago that you weren‘t going to care about the lack of official labels but, clearly, some part of you had thought that the label would come... eventually. That is, you thought that fooling around with each other as roommates was just one state that you would, sooner or later, move on from and, consequently, turn into something more. But, then again, you’ve already moved on from being just roommates. You already were something more.

And, for the love of all things holy, now you knew you needed the damn label to go with it.

Kissing Jaebum without knowing what would happen next was one thing – the ignorance was, oh, so blissful – but kissing him while knowing that he was never going to want anything official with you was an entirely different one. The first instance was pathetically promising. The second one was just pathetic.

Realizing that, ever since you‘d moved here, you‘d always hovered in this tiny—oddly comfortable—space between promising and pathetic, you turned back around and focused your eyes on the ceiling instead. You‘d reached a decision – well, your heart reached it for you – that was as neutral as you thought it to be possible.

You‘d wait.

You didn‘t even know that Jaebum had considered starting a relationship with you when he’d first met you, and he confessed it after some mild prodding from you. And, similarly, you didn‘t know that he‘d changed his mind about this and was now, apparently, not really interested in any relationship, but he confessed that, too. Although, frankly, you‘d have preferred it if he hadn‘t. Ignorance wasn‘t just blissful. It was also comfortable.

So, now you were going to wait. Maybe – your poor hopeful heart whispered – you‘d misunderstood something. Maybe Jaebum had meant something else and he was just waiting for the right moment to make himself clear. Again.

Not pressuring him into admitting something wasn‘t a tactic you‘ve tried before because you were generally a very I-need-this-now sort of person – which, of course, wasn‘t a very good trait but you‘d have been lying if you said you‘d been working to get rid of it – but this was bigger than anything you‘ve dealt with before. This wasn‘t a surprisingly abusive ex-girlfriend and this wasn‘t a purposefully secretive hobby of creating unbelievably good music.

This wasn‘t even you and Jaebum. This was you-and-Jaebum. As an item. As one item.

So, you were going to wait and focus on his music because that‘s what he needed you do to right now. He needed you to be his roommate and his friend. And that’s what you were going to be – or try to be – the whole night tonight.

Tonight, you were going to wait.

After having a semi-decent day at work – with just the right amount of actual working involved so you didn‘t have to spend the whole day wallowing in your utter confusion; but, then again, no day that involved communicating with snobby attitudes and overly arrogant customers was truly a decent day – you nearly lost all of your patience and even debated quitting when right at the end of your shift – and about twenty minutes until the radio show which would play Jaebum‘s song was supposed to start – a lady, that had brought her offspring with her to the gallery, had turned away for “one second,” and the unsupervised child proceeded to use a crayon he‘d snuck in somehow – not that there was a warning against crayons at the gallery but you‘d figured it would have been a given – to paint all over the walls of the first floor.

At that point, everyone was already tired and excited about closing up so, by the time you noticed the surprising neon red stripe running below the paintings exhibited on the walls of the gallery, there was already no point in stopping the child. His mother – on the phone with someone now – noticed the decorated walls at about the same time as you did and, once your eyes met, you thought you could see multiple emotions pass on the woman‘s face but remorse wasn‘t one of them.

She was shocked and, most likely, embarrassed. But she didn‘t feel like this was her fault. People that came to this gallery rarely did, so, straightening your posture once she took a step in your direction, you were prepared to listen to her excuse that was, really, only meant to restore her dignity and not actually explain why she‘d thought leaving her child alone was a good idea.

As it turned out, you were only partially right as the first words that passed her lips when she reached you were, “is this going to cost much?” followed by, “and how long is this going to take? I have somewhere to be in fifteen minutes.”

It was going to cost much – although, she was going to have to take this up with your supervisor, Eva – but it wasn’t about the money. Not that she’d ever understand it – clearly, she, just like everyone else in her position, was the kind of rich person that assumed money solved everything. But you couldn’t very well wipe the walls with money. And someone was going to have to wipe the fresh layer of crayon away.

“I’m sorry,” was what Eva told you when you gave her your best version of the puppy dog eyes after the woman had left – and taken her devil of a child with her; you thought he even snuck his tongue out at you on his way out. “You were covering this floor. Did you have plans tonight?”

There were eight minutes left until the radio show and Eva didn’t sound like she was going to excuse you from fixing this mess just because you’d made plans. She looked ready to give you a friendly pat on the shoulder and a pitiful look because you were covering this floor with two other girls – a real honor to cover the main floor of the gallery but you’d have traded it for anything – so, therefore, you were supposed to supervise the stray child. And now all three of you were going to pay by staying after work.

You were so angry – and even swore that if you’d ever have children, you would never let them use anything as unexpectedly dangerous as crayons – that, as soon as you started to clean the wall, you no longer felt like listening to the radio show at all. But then, choosing to make rational instead of emotional decisions, you groaned and pulled your earphones out from your pocket, plugging them into your phone. Your shift had, technically, just ended so you didn’t worry too much about being caught using your phone.

The radio show was just starting and the host, Cato, as Jaebum had told you, was introducing himself. You had no doubt he was going to play a few of the more popular songs before getting to the new ones, so you took this time to calm yourself down.

Jaebum had texted you before, checking if you’d make it to Mark’s bar by six-thirty tonight but, by the looks of this, you were only going to be there at eight the earliest. For some reason, however, the frustration you’d felt after seeing the child draw on the walls of the gallery had merged with the frustration you’ve been feeling ever since Jaebum had told you he wasn’t interested in a relationship, and thus, you suddenly didn’t feel like warning him that you were going to be running very late.

The bitter part of your mind told you that he just wouldn’t care anyway – and why would he? He didn’t want a relationship with you so why did it matter if his roommate wasn’t going to be there, celebrating with him? You wanted to show him you weren’t going to let him use your weaknesses against you and kiss you whenever he pleased – not that you minded, honestly, but this was your dignity at stake – and then claim he wasn’t interested in a relationship. You might have been dying to have him close to you at all times, but you had some self-respect, too.

But then you heard it. The first chords of “Don’t Touch Me” played in your earphones and, all of a sudden, your hand was wiping the wall of the gallery completely reflexively, because your mind had been transported back to Jackson’s studio when you’d first heard the song.

Listening to it now felt just as ethereal except now you knew you weren’t the only person hearing Jaebum’s voice as he sang his heart out. Now you were sharing the magical experience of his music with other listeners, some of which had undoubtedly written down the name of the song so they could look up the artist later. Jaebum’s song was no longer something that only a handful of people knew about – it was out there for the whole world to hear now.

People never think they take anything for granted until it’s taken away from them and you realized just how personal—how intimate—it had felt to be a part of the selected few who knew about this remarkable part of Jaebum. You bit your lip, realizing that anyone could listen to his music now. It didn’t make the song feel any less exceptional, not at all. But it did make you feel a lot less special.

So, getting your phone out, you texted Jaebum back because, even though he may not have wanted you in the way that you wanted him, the dread of wasting the bond you’ve created with him was too great. You were still, officially, just roommates and it hurt—and frustrated you, too—to think that you’d never be anything more but you didn’t think your self-respect – or, now that you thought back on it, perhaps it was your aggravation – was worth more than what you had with him.

You still wanted to know Jaebum. You still wanted him close. But maybe, in order to appease to your wishes and to your dignity, it was time you stopped kissing him. Maybe, your decision to wait included a pause on every physical activity that involved you and him.

When you got to Mark’s bar, nearly everyone was already drunk. Jackson greeted you at the door – he was truly just as excited about this as you and Jaebum were – and nearly spilled his drink all over your top when he leaned in for a hug. Affection was, obviously, not a foreign concept to him and it only seemed to intensify when he was drunk.

The number of people you didn’t recognize here didn’t surprise you – mostly because you weren’t sure if they were all Jaebum’s friends or if they were just random bar-goers who’d joined in after they saw that Jaebum was celebrating – but, when you caught the sight of Kiera – by all means, your best friend – talking to Mark by the bar, you stopped short.

She noticed you almost immediately and, after hopping off the stool excitedly, approached you with her arms outstretched.

“Hi!” she shrieked, always loud when she was drunk. “You’re finally here!”

“I am,” you replied, hugging her back, still surprised—but not disappointed—to see her here. “And you’re here, too.”

“Yes! Mark called me and told me you and Jackson had kicked Jaebum’s ass and got him to play his song on the radio,” she revealed, pulling you towards the bar by your hand. “I listened to it and, Jesus Christ, what has he been doing all this time?! The song is amazing.”

“It is,” you nodded, unable to resist a smile. Hearing her praise Jaebum made you feel even prouder of him. “So, hey, Mark called you, huh?”

Kiera rolled her eyes, giving the aforementioned bartender a nod – Mark’s smile seemed to widen when he saw that she was back at the bar – and then turning back to look at you and your smirk.

“Don’t look at me like that,” she warned. “I came because I was looking for a reason to get drunk.”

“You’re not that big on drinking,” you pointed out, the teasing grin not leaving your features.

“Fine. Then I came because I was excited to meet the creator of such a phenomenal song.”

You were basically the Cheshire cat now. “You’ve met him before.”

Kiera rolled her eyes. “You really want me to admit that I only came because I missed my best friend, don’t you?”

She threw an arm over your shoulders and you groaned, genuinely impressed—and annoyed—by her ability to avoid the topics she didn’t want—or wasn’t ready—to talk about. You were going to drop this, though, and just allow her to talk about something that she was more comfortable with but then Mark brought you and her drinks, and Kiera’s entire face lit up. You truly couldn’t help yourself.

“So, it’s me you’ve missed, yeah?” you asked her, hiding your smile behind your cocktail glass.

“Yes,” Kiera said with a straight face. You really could have learned a thing or two about avoiding uncomfortable topics from her because, somehow, your group of friends always chose you to tease. “I haven’t seen you in too long, I couldn’t miss the opportunity.”

“Mmmhmm,” you hummed, taking a sip and instantly feeling the alcohol hit your head. Mark must have used three parts vodka and one part cranberry juice when making this instead of the other way around. “Wow, this is hard—uh, right. And h-how did you know I was going to be here? I was late but I could have just never shown up.”

Kiera almost sighed, your hypothetical situation not sounding realistic in the slightest.

“Of course you were going to be here,” she said, “because Jaebum is here.”

You took another sip, enjoying the taste more this time, which could have only meant that the alcohol was doing its’ job properly.

“What?” you asked her, raising your eyebrows. “Are you implying I follow him wherever he goes?”

“No. I’m saying you follow each other,” Kiera replied, finishing her drink in one big gulp. She might not have gone out to drink very often, but she still knew how to. “It’s been impossible for any of us to see you without getting a glimpse of Jaebum, too.”

You shook your head, finishing your cocktail as well. “That’s not true. Hyojin and I went to our café the other day and—”

“—and then Jaebum called you, and you ran home to him,” Kiera finished for you.

“I—” you stopped, your stomach clenching. Your eyes were now on your empty glass on the bartop. “I didn’t run.”

Your friend had a victorious smile on but you weren’t looking at her.

“I wasn’t there,” she said, “but, trust me, you ran.”

“Okay, I don’t like where this is going,” you waved your hands around before covering your face. Kiera took this moment to wave Mark over just as you added, “let’s go back to me teasing you about Mark.”

She paused, hoping the bartender didn’t hear it but, just like always, she regained her balance quickly.

“Or,” Kiera started, “how about you go find your boy? I’ve seen him circle the bar three times before you got here and either he really wants to pee and can’t find the bathroom – which isn’t likely since, according to Mark, Jaebum has been here, at least, a hundred times – or he’s looking for you.”

Your heart rate picked up at the sound of that. You could tell that your entire body was on fire just imagining Jaebum waiting for you – your face, especially; your flustered state was probably obvious and visible from three galaxies away – and you did not want this to be the state that he saw you in for the first time today.

“He’s not my boy,” you said in a small voice.

“Oh, honey,” Kiera sighed, her hands on her hips. She sounded oddly motherly when she said, “he is.”

You shook your head, not particularly eager to inform her of Jaebum’s confession about the first night you’ve met and then the dismissal of your developing relationship that had followed at the ice cream store.

“No—” you started but your friend wasn’t going to have it.

“You may not have admitted it to yourselves yet but please don’t think the rest of us are as oblivious as you two are, yeah?” she said sternly. “Now go. He’s waited long enough.”

You huffed, stepping off the bar stool per her order and deciding to add one last, “you only want me gone so you can go back to talking to Mark,” before you walked away.

Kiera laughed – not defending herself this time – and watched you disappear deeper into the crowd as you looked for Jaebum.

You found him at the very back of the bar, lounging on one of the couches in a private booth, Jackson and four other guys you’ve never seen before surrounding him. Jaebum looked cheerful – a bright smile adorned his features and made your stomach do cartwheels – and intoxicated just like everyone else here. His cheeks were rosy and he looked visibly relaxed, except his eyes kept drifting away from his friends as he scanned the club.

You could have passed out right then and there when his eyes landed on you and you saw him stand up immediately. His friends all turned to look but Jackson was the only one who understood why Jaebum was suddenly leaving the table mid-conversation.

“You’re here!” was the first thing Jaebum said to you once he stopped close enough for you to hear him, his friends’ eyes following him. “Come on, let me introduce you to everyone.”

He’d grabbed your hand – as if that was the most natural thing to do – and lead you to his booth where Jackson was sitting with a shit-eating grin on his face, and the other four guys looked pleasantly surprised.

“Alright, that’s Jackson, you know him already,” Jaebum began right away as one of his friends stood up to let you and Jaebum sit down on the couch next to each other. The same friend debated standing to give you two more space but then he decided to sit down next to you, after all – which prompted Jaebum to unconsciously pull you closer to him. “The one next to you is Jinyoung, he must be my oldest friend.”

The boy next to you scoffed. “Nice way to make me sound like I’m eighty.”

“I mean I’ve known him the longest,” Jaebum clarified, leaning back in his seat and rolling his eyes. “The one across from you is Yugyeom, he’s basically a child so we’re not really sure if he can even drink legally—”

“Hey!” came Yugyeom’s protest.

“—and the one next to him is BamBam,” Jaebum continued, “but he’s pissed because he has to be up early tomorrow and I refuse to care. Youngjae is also looking glum because his dog had some sort of an emergency today – everything’s fine now, though – but wait until he’s had a couple of drinks, you’ll love him. And, yeah. These guys here, along with Mark at the bar, are all my friends. The ones that matter, anyway.”

You nodded, giving the boys at the table a smile. You realized that these had to be the people Jaebum was talking about at the ice cream store yesterday – the friends that stuck with him throughout his relationship with Suji and after. The real ones.

They all looked welcoming enough but meeting new people was always a stressful experience. Knowing that these guys cared about Jaebum probably as much as you did, however, made you relax for one quick moment until your mind conjured up a scenario where his friends absolutely hated the very thought of you, and Jaebum moved out because he valued the opinion of his friends too much.

But then you took a deep breath and returned to the decision that you’d made this morning – you were going to worry about one thing at a time. Tonight was about Jaebum’s music. His friends' potential hatred for you could be handled tomorrow.

“It’s nice to meet you,” you settled on the basic response. “I’d say Jaebum told me so much about you but, honestly, he’s not much of a talker.”

Yugyeom was the first to laugh as he nodded eagerly, agreeing. “We weren’t aware he even had a roommate until a few days ago when Jackson had let it slip.”

That’s right, you were his roommate. Although, based on how close you were sitting to each other right now, one could have assumed differently.

You swallowed, reminding yourself that you’d decided you weren’t going to give in to your impulses anymore – at least not until you’ve reached a decision what your relationship with each other was – and tuned back in to the conversation his friends were having – it was BamBam, this time, ranting about how Jaebum never told them anything until the very last minute.

Jaebum kept rolling his eyes and sending soft threats their way each time his friends said something he’d have rather kept quiet about, but you could tell that these were his people. He was completely himself around them and you couldn’t help but smile as you watched them interact. It felt important to be in the presence of his closest circle of friends; it felt like you mattered to him just as much as the rest of them did.

As the night progressed, the boys all expressed their support, making it clear that they were just as proud of Jaebum as you were, all while still not ceasing to tease him about the smallest things. The waitress had stopped by your booth multiple times, and slowly, you felt yourself give in to the alcohol as a fog started to form in your mind and your mood kept lifting with every joke that Jackson cracked.

A few more drinks later, your table seemed to split into two worlds. There were the rest of the boys, getting louder with each glass that they’ve emptied, and there were you and Jaebum, seemingly lost to the rest of the world as you cuddled close to each other, his hand still on your waist and your head coming to rest on his shoulder.

“Why were you late?” he asked quietly but you were so close to him, you were able to hear him even through the sound of his friends’ laughter.

“A catastrophe at the gallery,” you replied with a sigh, your fingers absentmindedly toying with the edge of Jaebum’s cardigan that had come to rest on your thigh when you two sat down. “A kid got loose and decided to decorate the pale walls with a red crayon.”

“Oh, shit,” Jaebum replied but you could tell the image had made him smile. “Whoever decided to give kids crayons was a real asshole.”

“Tell me about it,” you sighed. “I had to go around, cleaning that mess and now I can’t even feel my legs anymore.”

For someone as drunk as him, he truly reacted quickly and as soon as you’d said that, Jaebum was suddenly lifting your legs up and dropping them on his lap, completely ignorant to the raised eyebrows on the faces of the boys around you.

“Why did you wear heels?” he asked you, one of his hands remaining on your waist while he placed his other one on your legs, his fingers tapping a gentle rhythm on your thigh.

“Because I wanted to look nice,” you replied, leaning against him because not leaning against him was suddenly too hard.

“You always look nice,” Jaebum replied, his quiet voice managing to drown out the loud noises of the bar.

The two of you would have never noticed that the rest of the boys had gotten up and left if it weren’t for Jackson who’d patted Jaebum on the back on his way out of the booth. And even though it was just you two sitting at the table now, you remained pressed tightly against each other.

Somehow, you’d let go of Jaebum’s cardigan and found your fingertips tracing the veins on Jaebum’s hand instead, as he’d stilled, letting his hand rest on your thigh. Your feather-light touch and the warmth of your body pressed against his only seemed to amplify the effect of the alcohol and Jaebum suddenly couldn’t handle having you so close to him and not doing anything about it.

“Do you remember the first time we met?” he asked, turning his hand palm up so he could take your hand into his instead.

You raised your head to look at him. “When I texted your ad?”

“No,” he replied, intertwining your fingers. “In real life.”

“When you tried to kick me out of the apartment?”

“Ah,” he chuckled, surprised that your memory worked this well even after all of these drinks. “No. Before that.”

“Before—” you frowned and then realized what he’d been talking about. The fateful one-night-stand. “Oh.”

Jaebum could tell that you’ve remembered as he nodded, watching your reaction. “Yeah.”

“You know I remember,” you told him then, your eyes on his. “We’ve talked about it.”

“Yeah, but you always focus on what happened after,” he said. “But do you ever think about the night itself?”

It was already warm in the club but his question only seemed to make you feel hotter. The intense look in his eyes wasn’t helping much, either. Although intoxicated, there was still a certain power to his gaze, and you found yourself looking away for just a moment so you could find a way to reply.

The night you’ve met always lingered in the back of your mind but you never focused on it, not wanting it to further speed up the process of falling for him. You’ve already had enough on your plate as it was, and reminiscing about how his skin had felt like pressed against yours was only going to complicate everything even more.

“W-well, I’ve been sort of busy trying to figure out what’s going on with you and me at the moment,” you admitted. “But have you, uh… thought about it?”

His response seemed to come out in a breath that caused shivers to run down your spine, “all the time.”

You were afraid to inhale – let alone move – in case you’d scare him off from continuing and Jaebum – seemingly afraid of the same thing – tightened his grip on you by pulling you onto his lap until you were straddling him and then wrapping his arms around your waist protectively.

You watched him, completely helpless and lost in the darkness – and the warmth, the lust, the love hiding there – inside of his eyes.

“You know, after all this time, I’ve finally managed to convince myself that you’re not the kind of person who would completely overcome someone’s life,” he said, the past doubts and insecurities sticking their necks out for the briefest of moments as Jaebum moved one of his hands to your face, no longer able to resist not touching your lips with the tips of his fingers. “But I’ve been wrong.”

You couldn’t find your voice. “W-what?”

“You have taken over my life completely,” he confessed, his eyes following the movements of his fingers as they gently brushed against your lower lip. “You weren’t even trying and you’re just everywhere. In every corner of my mind. In every part of my world. I can’t escape you.”

“Do you…” you started to say, your throat drying up, “do you want to?”

“No,” he shook his hand, pulling his hand away from your face and bringing it back to your waist. “God, no. It drives me crazy when I can’t stop thinking about you but I-I can’t imagine myself not doing that anymore.”

At that point, you were certain that the sound of both of your hearts banging against your ribcages – ready to explode in one big fire – was heard across the entire bar, but you couldn’t tear your eyes away from him as you whispered, “you never told me you thought about me.”

“You never tell me what you’re thinking about, either,” Jaebum replied, the corners of his lips lifting. “We’re not the kind of people who share our deepest desires with each other.”

“Deepest desires,” you repeated, tasting the words on your tongue and making Jaebum’s smile widen. “Is that so?”

“Yes,” he confirmed, straightening in his seat until his chest was pressed against yours. “They run deep.”

“How deep?” you asked shakily, your breath mixing with his.

“Very deep,” Jaebum replied, finally allowing himself to lower his eyes to your lips. He’d never thought he’d have this much self-control even if staying away from you was starting to get simply impossible. “But I feel like they’re rushing to the surface too fast for me to stop them.”

The distance between your lips was virtually non-existent now but the unexpected surge of adrenaline that had erupted into your bloodstream at the prospect of him kissing you again suddenly reminded you of the decision you’d made earlier today, before all the alcohol and all the touching. You pressed a hand on his chest.

“Jaebum,” a desperate whisper left your lips. “N-no.”

He pulled back, confusion taking over his features. “No?”

You shook your head, your heart hurting with each step that you took in the opposite decision of what you’d truly wanted. But you knew you needed to do this. You’ve allowed your heart to make decisions for you long enough, it was about time you made decisions with your head.

“No,” you repeated. “I don’t think we should do this.”

“Y-you don’t?” Jaebum was obviously surprised to hear this, his eyes blinking in confusion before he leaned back in his seat, putting more distance between you and him. “Okay. Okay, then we won’t do anything.”

He looked like you’d slapped him across the face and you bit your lip, your heart now beyond ready to claw out of your chest. “It’s not because I don’t want to…”

He frowned, the familiar coldness returning to his eyes. He’d started to shut himself off from you again, yet he still asked, “why, then?”

“Because of what you’d said,” you replied, wishing for this conversation to be over before it even started, or, at least, wishing you weren’t sitting on his lap when you talked about this because, aside from not being able to think clearly when he was so close to you, the position also didn’t allow you both many opportunities to stand up and leave if all of this got too much.

Jaebum, however, despite being confused, didn’t share the same mindset and was not even planning on letting go of you until he understood what you were getting at. The rejection stung but if there was a chance he was still going to kiss you at the end of the night, he was willing to clear up everything you needed him to.

“What did I say?” he asked, a weird vibrating sound accompanying his question. It could have been a text message on one of your phones but neither of you cared about that right now.

“You said you don’t want a relationship,” you told him, your eyes not leaving his.

Jaebum didn’t seem to recollect the exact moment he’d told you this as his eyebrows furrowed deeper, so you took a breath – the first one since you sat down in this booth with him – and reminded him.

“That day at the ice cream store,” you said. “I asked you why you weren’t going to ask the waitress out and—”

“I remember,” he cut you off, then. His heart had started to race again as he realized that this might have been the reason why you looked so distant when the two of you had walked out of the store that day. “I didn’t mean to say I didn’t want a relationship.”

“What?” you didn’t get it. “You said you weren’t interested in dating.”

“I said I didn’t want to date anyone else,” he repeated before adding a very quick but very necessary, “that’s not you.”

It was only in passing that you’d considered misunderstanding him but now that he’s confirmed you’ve misinterpreted his words, it was very hard to swallow all of a sudden. “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Clearing your throat, you tried to keep your eyes on his but his gaze had warmed up and the iciness you’d seen form inside of it before had melted now that you understood what had gone down between you two at the store.

“You clearly have problems expressing yourself,” you stated.

Jaebum was smirking as his eyes followed the movement of your lips when you spoke. “You’re clearly very dense.”

Silence followed when neither of you managed to find the next words, both too focused on each other to think about what to say. Although neither of you moved, the distance between you – that had grown so inexplicably large when you refused to let him kiss you – seemed to decrease with each breath that your neglected lungs produced.

“I’m going to die if I don’t kiss you,” Jaebum revealed, his entire heart hidden in these words.

You realized that you were anxious. The uncertainty wasn’t a problem before but now that you’ve stepped over the line and acknowledged what you’d been doing, you knew you couldn’t back away. You’ve thought you’d focus on his music but that wasn’t what Jaebum was doing, so you couldn’t wait to have this conversation anymore. Now was your only chance to escape the gloomy state of 'unknown.’

“I—” you started to say.

Jaebum shook his head; he was through with talking. “Tell me you don’t want me to.”

“I-I can’t tell you that,” you replied but the same concerned expression did not leave your features.

“Well, then what is it?” Jaebum asked, no longer afraid to sound desperate. “What do you need me to do? Do you need the label?”

“No, I—I don’t know,” you were breathing much faster now. “I don’t think we should keep kissing each other when we don’t really know what we’re doing.”

It felt good to bring your thoughts into being. It felt good to finally acknowledge it. But you hadn’t expected it to also feel terrifying as Jaebum spent one long moment, watching your eyes instead of replying.

“We’re going to kiss,” he said, then, “that’s what we’re going to be doing.”

“And after?”

“Well, kiss again, hopefully.”

You closed your eyes, the demanding tone of your voice matching the desperation in his. “But what does it mean?”

Jaebum was losing it. His oxygen supply was already short when you were this close and his craving for you was just wretched, at his point. It was tearing him apart at the seams; he’d never thought anticipation could ever be so strong.

“Does it have to mean something?” he asked, his voice exasperated.

“Yeah, actually,” you spoke. “But if it doesn’t mean anything to you, I—”

You’d looked away from him for the first time that night – thoughts of standing up and walking away slowly spreading to your mind – and that was enough for Jaebum to pull you closer to him until your eyes were on him and your chests were pressed against each other again, allowing your hearts to beat the same rhythm. He wasn’t going to let you leave.

“Fuck. No. It means everything to me. Okay?” Jaebum said, his chest rising each time yours fell and falling each time yours rose. “I’ll give you anything, any label you need, anything you need, I just—fuck.”

His face was so close to yours now, you could almost feel his lips brush against yours with each word that he spoke. You wondered if this was what hell felt like – having something you want right at the tip of your fingers but being forced to resist it.

“Jaebum—”

“Tell me to leave you alone and I’ll do it. Tell me what you want from me, and I’ll give you all of it,” he pleaded, “just… talk to me. Please tell me what you need.”

“I…” it only took you a second to find the words because there wasn’t much that you needed in that moment, or in general. “I need you.”

“Fuck,” Jaebum exhaled against your lips. “You already have me.”

And in a climax of your and his desperations mixing together, your lips finally touched. Your rapid breaths only seemed to grow heavier each time your lips connected in a frantic kiss, your hands holding onto each other as if one of you was going to disappear if the other had let go. As if one of you was going to pull away and say something else.

But there was nothing else that was left to say. Not in words, at least. So, you let your lips do the talking, his tongue transmitting all of his feelings for you as he tasted the inside of your mouth, nearly suffocating from his own longing. Kissing was supposed to put an end to your desperation, it was supposed to finally satisfy your need to have each other close, and yet it wasn’t enough. You were pressed against each other but it wasn’t close enough.

Every bit of your body that wasn’t touching his was screaming and even when you leaned into him harder, your bodies seemingly merging together, it still didn’t seem to be enough. Every time he pulled away just slightly to inhale, your mouth burned, aching to have his lips pressed against yours again.

Your movements were fluid – granted, you’ve had practice – and you never once interrupted each other by moving your hands the wrong way or clashing your teeth against each other. You kissed like you were reading each other’s minds and, as your tongues toyed with each other, only deepening the kiss, it truly felt like you were finally revealing your deepest secrets to each other. And they didn’t need to be spoken aloud anymore because now you’ve learned how to talk without using words.

You thought you’d been standing at the gates of hell when Jaebum’s lips were so close to yours and yet they weren’t touching you but now, as you kissed him back, you knew you’ve transcended every divine place and had created your own heaven in the back of Mark’s club, seated on Jaebum’s lap, his mouth on yours.

Suddenly, however, you felt him still against you as a loud tap was heard against the leather of the couch next to you.

“Nice going you two,” a familiar voice spoke up, and you and Jaebum pulled away from each other, exchanging a look and then turning your heads to catch Jackson’s grinning face. “You owe Kiera fifty bucks, by the way. She’d just told us about your bet.”

You couldn’t remember any bets. Actually, you could barely remember the existence of anything when your lips were still swollen from Jaebum’s kisses and his eyes, when you turned to look at him, possessed nothing but passion.

“Thanks,” Jaebum finally acknowledged his friend, clearing his throat. “Jackson.”

“I came to pick my phone up,” he added, leaning down to pick his phone up from the couch opposite yours – that explained the vibrating sound you’ve heard before – and then giving you another teasing grin. “Not that you’ll need me, but I’ll be by the bar. Have fun!”

Your face was in your hands by the tame Jackson left and Jaebum sighed, pulling your palms away from your cheeks.

“God,” you shook your head as soon as his hands gripped your wrists, not letting you hide your face from him. “We’re—”

“At a bar, yeah,” Jaebum nodded, permanently amused by your flustered state. “I’m really regretting not celebrating at our apartment.”

You exhaled slowly, letting your hands drop to your sides and watching his hands follow, a part of him always touching a part of you.

“Well,” you started, “we can always celebrate later.”

His breath hitched just for a moment. “Fuck. Yeah, we can.”

He leaned into you before you could react properly, his lips returning to the place they belonged – right between yours – in a slow but steady manner. You kissed him back – you always kissed him back – but, when you pulled away to inhale a moment later, you started to speak before he could prolong the kiss.

“Maybe we should slow down?” you said but it didn’t sound like a statement. You weren’t waiting for his approval, at that point; you were waiting for his permission because if he’d said no, you knew you would have done just about anything he wanted.

“Yeah,” Jaebum said, surprising you. “Maybe.”

“I don’t want to, though,” you added, biting your lip now. You didn’t want to stay away from him but, at the same time, you didn’t want the confessions of tonight to signify a gunshot, starting a mere sprint. You didn’t want this to be a sprint. You wanted this to be a marathon – one that you’d spend every day of your near future running. “But we live together.”

Jaebum nodded. “We do.”

“So, we should probably take it slow,” you decided.

“Yes,” he said, his responses lacking the vocabulary.

You smiled at that. “Are you just going to agree with everything I say?”

“Yes,” he admitted, shameless.

“Are you hoping that will allow you to kiss me again?”

“Absolutely.”

He closed the distance between you as soon as he heard you chuckle, but this time, he pulled away after one quick peck – a short reminder that this was something that he could do now.

“Are you still tired?” he asked.

Truthfully, you’ve never felt less tired in your life but you were able to recognize that this state was temporary. Once the high of kissing Jaebum would fade, you’d go right back to exhaustion.

“I don’t know,” you replied honestly.

“Should we go home?” he seemed to take the role of asking questions now.

You weren’t sure about that, either, though.

“I don’t want to. I like it here,” you told him, your hips pressed firmly against his as you returned your hands to his chest – the beating of his heart sounding just as hypnotizing as his voice in his first song had sounded. “Right here.”

“Oh, I like it right here, too,” Jaebum replied, a smile spreading across his face as his hands found their way around your waist again. “But I’d like it more if fewer people were involved.”

You agreed and yet you refrained from expressing your wish to leave because wanting Jaebum all for yourself seemed selfish on an occasion like this.

“It’s your night, though,” you said tentatively. “We’re celebrating your song.”

He wasn’t catching up. “What’s your point?”

“You can’t leave,” you said. “All these people—”

“I appreciate them coming,” Jaebum nodded, his eyes on you just like they had been from the moment he’d laid his eyes on you tonight. “But I only need you.”

The feelings that his words had provoked rushed to the surface before you could stop them and you were the one pressing a gentle, lingering kiss to his lips this time. You nearly collapsed when you felt his lips stretch into a smile as he responded to you.

“We should go socialize,” you said after pulling away. “Well, you should. I’m going to wash my face with some cold water.”

“Oh, no, no,” Jaebum disagreed, helping you relocate yourself from his lap onto the couch next to him. The cold that engulfed your bodies when you were no longer pressed against each other was so surprising, you felt goosebumps rise on your skin. “If I have to walk around, talking to people while that’s the last thing I want to do, you’re doing the same.”

“They’re your friends,” you reminded him.

“And I love them,” he nodded, standing up and helping you stand with him by holding your hand. “And I know they’ll understand so I’m going to be embracing my egotistic side tonight. It is my night, after all.”

“Hmm,” you were curious. “And what is that supposed to imply?”

“It’s supposed to imply that I might find myself in the bathroom of the bar in the next few minutes,” he replied, “and I’m not going to feel bad about it.”

You loved the mischievous glint in his eye. “And what are you planning on doing in that bathroom?”

“Oh, you’ll know,” Jaebum replied, his lips by your ear as he guided you out of the booth, “because you’ll be right there with me.”

   chapter directory

[black-dragon1998]

Lost in another world part 2

thanks in advance for reading this.  English is not my native language, so sorry for any mistakes you read.

story kicks off where we left off.

part 1    part 3

Lena was walking through the D.E.O looking for her wife. On the outside, she looked calm but inside she was close to a full-blown panic attack. She tried to not think of it as much, at least not until Kara was close by.

 Kara was standing next to her sister, looking at a computer screen. Not a lot of people would see it that Kara herself was very anxious. Who wouldn’t be right, if your daughter suddenly disappeared?

 When Kara saw Lena approach, she could help but see the struggle on the younger woman’s face. Her normally calm and collected wife looked like she was going to cry. The first thing Kara did when Lena was close enough was pulled her into a hug.

 “Hey, it’s okay. Alex is making the D.E.O trace her tracker and then we will find her in no time.” Kara whispered into Lena's ear after giving her a small kiss on the head. “I have fate they will find her, but I still feel scared that she isn’t here.” Lena mumbled back. Clinging to her wife like a lifeline. While the couple hugged, Alex started rubbing Lena’s back.

 “we are going to find her Lena. It wasn’t CADMUS that has taken her, we are sure of that.” Alex told them. Hearing that her mother had nothing to do with the disappearance of her daughter was a huge relief for Lena. The last time they had gotten you back from CADMUS, you where barley breathing. The mounts after that were hell with you constantly waking up from horrifying nightmares and constant panic attacks.

 That last three months were getting better. Lena and Kara even thought you would be starting university. But if they got you back this time like they did last time they didn’t know what they would do. So, the only thing they could do was hope for the best.

 ____________________________________________________________

You actually found them on the rooftop of the building you left the man in the iron suit on. They looked a little surprised when they saw you hovering in the air near them.

 A man in tight spandex with a star on his chest and a shield strapped to his back stepped forward hands raised. “we want to apologize. It’s clear to us now that you don’t mean to cause anybody harm and are just lost.” He started to explain.

 “it’s okay, as long as nobody is going to shoot at me again.” you say while lowering onto the rooftop.

 “I think we should start over?” he said. “I would like that.” Was your reaction. The man extended his arm and introduced himself. “hello, my name is Steve Rogers Also known as Captain America.” He told you while shaking your hand. Then he went and started to introduce his team.

 You learned that the girl in red was named Wanda and that the guy with the big mouth was Tony. apparently, he was a billionaire. Also, the two who looked like they where an assassin where named Natasha and Clint turned they actually kind of where. The guy standing next to Steve with the metal arm was named Bucky and the android who was hovering next to Wanda was named Vision. After introductions were made all looked at you.

 “my name is (Y/N) Luthor Danvers. I’m one of the last living members of my species and also a proud of the house of EL.” You answered with pride. You had never been ashamed of your name, being very proud to be as well a Luthor as a member of the house of EL.

 “yes, now that we know who you are also care to explain exactly what you are because I have never seen just a normal human do what you just did kid.” That one know as Tony stepped forward pointing an accusing finger at you. Yes, you established this much you didn’t like him he acted just like all the other rich men you had met and that wasn’t a compliment.

 Before you told the story over what you were Natasha suggested that you all moved to the Avengers tower, because and I quote. ‘we are all sitting ducks out here on this fucking rooftop.’ That’s how you found yourself in a large kitchen with all the Avengers looking at you while drinking a cup of coffee. If the image wasn’t so surreal you would have thought, they looked like the Superfriends after a big mission.

 “so (Y/N), want to tell us something?” Natasha asked you while gently smiling. It seemed like the rest of the Avengers looked a little surprised when they saw her natural smile. You took a big in teak of breath. You didn’t really want to tell what you were but figured it couldn’t be helped. Honesty gets you the furthest, at least that is what Jeju told you. So, you took a big breath.

 “Like I told you before I am not from this earth. I am actually from earth 38 in the multiverse, don’t know which one this is so I’m not sure how much I’m off to my universe.” You took a little break to see how this information would process. They didn’t seem that fazed, not anymore at least.

 “and like Tony pointed out, I am also not completely human.” This seemed to make some of them frown.

 “what do you mean with not completely human?” Steve asked. “do you mean you are enhanced?” Wanda added. “no, I'm not enhanced. I’m half human, half Kryptonian.”

 “what is a Kryptonian? I don’t think I have heard of an alien race called like that.” Vision asked after going through his extended database.

“Kryptonian's are from the planted that was called Krypton. It was destroyed long before I was born and the only known survivors are my Jeju and my uncle. They were both send to earth because it is roughly the same as Krypton. The only difference is that the yellow sun gives Kryptonian's enhanced abilities.”

 A silence seemed to go through the room as they all processed what I said. “so you are half human half alien and the reason you can do what you do is because of the radiations of the sun. but if I may ask what does Jeju mean?” Natasha summarized what you just had said. “basically yes and Jeju is Kryponese for mother.” You replied.

 “Bullshit!” Tony cried out. Giving you an intimidating look. “quite frankly mister Stark I do not care what you think. Since an early age, I have encountered the likes of you and you don’t impress me one bit.” You levelled him with one the impressive Luthor stared as your aunt Sam liked to call them. You saw a couple of the other Avengers smile at Tony’s only narrows his eyes at you.

 “what do you mean the likes of me? As I can quite assure you I’m one of a kind.” The way he says this makes you lose your stoic face and burst out laughing.

“trust me, Tony, you are not the first playboy billionaire I have encountered. Through my mom, I have met my fair share of arrogant men who think that money can buy them everything. Jeju even told me it was worse when she just started as CEO.” Tony seemed to be mildly offended and this time the rest of the team couldn’t hold in their laughter.

 Natasha was the first one to recover when she turned serious again, she picked something up on how you used both the terms Jeju which apparently meant mother and mom. “so, (Y/N) how did you end up here?” she asked.

“there is this device that one of my uncles gave Jeju when they first met. It allows a person to travel between dimensions because he was from a different one than her. I was always very fascinated by it and just like mom I like to tinker with things and I think it must have gone wrong and I ended up here.” You say sheepishly.

 “so (Y/N) do you have a way back home?” Steve asked. Looking at you with a small smile. “well I don’t have the device anymore, it didn’t teleport with me, but if I can get my hands on a satellite than I should be able to enhance the perimeter of my tracker so my family can pick it up.”

_______________________________________________________

48 hours. That is how much time has passed since her daughter had been gone and frankly Kara was losing her patients. Lena had barely slept in that time and was emotionally exhausted. “Lena, babe please try to sleep.” Kara pleaded with her wife.

 “Kara I can’t! every time I close my eyes I see her like we got her back last time from CADMUS and I can’t stand the thought that is where she is going through again.” Lena was starting to cry again, she felled that was all she was doing these past few days. Kara swept her up in another hug and hold her tightly, whispering reassuring words in her eat until she felled Lena’s body give into the much-needed sleep it craved.

After laying her wife down on the cough of her sister office she walked back to where Winn and Alex were working on locating (Y/N).

Kara was bend over a computer screen looking at the length of code when suddenly the screen changed and a red dot appeared.

“what is that?” Kara asked her sister.

“Found her!” Winn jelled for the hole DEO to hear.

part 3

want to support me Buy me a Ko-fi

[silver-lily-louise]

(Love Is) A Two-Way Street - a Shadowhunters fanfic

Summary: Set after 2.15, A Problem of Memory. After Valentine’s body-switch, Magnus isn’t the only one who has trouble sleeping. Word count: ~1.2k Warnings: Violence, blood, death (but not really)

~oOo~

‘Alexander? …No, no, please-’ He meets Valentine’s gaze coldly, shoving him into the chair. Herondale is right – this has gone on long enough. Valentine isn’t talking, and if the Clave won’t give the order to mete out justice, they’ll handle it themselves. ‘Please, Alexander, it’s me.’ Alec feels a surge of anger. He’s had enough of this game. Besides, is Valentine even trying? Magnus would never beg like this.

The Inquisitor presses the knife into his hand, and Valentine’s eyes go wide in fear. ‘No – no, Alexander, please-!’ The knife tears through Valentine’s throat, silencing him.

He looks small in death, brought low as he should be. The blood spills down tawny skin, and the eyes are lifeless, dull, even as the glamour flickers out and leaves them golden, and Alec drops the knife in wordless horror because it’s Magnus, it was him the whole time, and his hands reach out to touch, to mend – but it’s too late, he’s gone, Alec killed him he killed Magnus and oh god he can’t breathe-

Alec wakes, the fear still swirling in his mind. He blinks the sleep from his eyes, trying to get his bearings, and turns his head to the right – Magnus is there, sound asleep. Alec listens to his boyfriend’s steady breathing and wills himself to calm down.

He drags a hand down his face, stifling a sigh. Not again. Going back to sleep seems impossible, so Alec slowly gets out of bed, trying not to disturb Magnus, and pads out to the kitchen, ignoring the cold floors underneath his bare feet. He gets himself a glass of water – more because he needs something to do with his hands than because he’s thirsty – and trudges over to the softer of the two couches, curling up in the far corner and trying to ignore the uncomfortable feeling of being both exhausted and wide awake. 

He sits there a while, listening to the gentle tick-tick-tick of the clock, focusing on his breathing. His mind starts to wander, his earlier fear fading into a sort of pensive melancholy. Away from the warm bed and even warmer Magnus, he feels the chill begin to creep into his bones – but he can’t quite muster the energy to walk over and grab the blanket from the back of the other couch, so he stubbornly curls up a little tighter, tucking his feet underneath him.

‘Alexander?’ He hears Magnus’ bleary voice come from the bedroom, and feels a pang of guilt that his efforts to be quiet have obviously failed. Should have used a stealth rune, he thinks, only half-joking. Magnus has only just started sleeping properly again after the body switch with Valentine, and Alec hates to be the new reason his boyfriend can’t get a proper night’s rest.

Magnus wanders over to join him on the couch, sitting close with an exaggerated shiver. ‘Why are you out here in the cold?’ he asks, waving a hand absentmindedly, and Alec feels the air around them warm up a little. ‘Couldn’t sleep,’ he says, aiming for a casual tone. Magnus hums thoughtfully. ‘This is the… fourth night? The fifth?’

Alec looks down at the glass in his hands, turning it in a slow rhythm. Apparently, it’s not just tonight that his stealth has been lacking. ‘I didn’t mean to wake you. I’m sorry.’ Magnus waves away the apology. ‘I’m not worried about that. I’m a little worried about you, though.’ Alec shrugs and tries to look nonchalant, the I’m fine implied, but Magnus persists. ‘Alec, if something’s wrong, you can tell me.’ His tone is probing, but gentle.

Alec wants to say It’s nothing, really, but his tiredness makes him more honest than he’d like. ‘No, I can’t.’ ‘Why not?’ ‘You’ve got enough to deal with right now. I don’t wanna add to it.’ They’re quiet for a moment, and Alec’s mind drifts back to Magnus’ confession, how broken he sounded recounting the memory forced on him by the agony rune. Pain that Alec could have spared him if he hadn’t been so blind.

Magnus shuffles closer, lifting Alec’s arm and settling it over his shoulders. He snaps his fingers, and the blanket from the other couch wraps itself around them. ‘I appreciate the thought, Alexander,’ he says, ‘but this isn’t a one-way street. There’s space for both of us to need a little taking care of.’ When he doesn’t get a response, Magnus sighs, and gently reaches up to turn Alec’s face back towards him. ‘Please let me help,’ he says softly.

Alec wants to hold firm, because he can do this, he can shoulder this alone and just be there for the man he loves. But Magnus had said please. Please let me help. No, Alexander, please-! And suddenly, Alec can’t hold it in any longer. ‘What happened in the cell,’ he says, the words tumbling out, and he can’t look at Magnus anymore. ‘I can’t get it out of my head. Because it was you, I was hurting you, and then with the Inquisitor, if Valentine hadn’t shown himself, what if I didn’t stop her from-‘ He cuts himself off, unable to finish, and takes a deep, steadying breath. He forces himself to meet Magnus’ eyes again, because this part’s important, and he needs to make sure Magnus knows. ‘I should have believed you when you told me what had happened. I should have known it was you. And I am so, so sorry.’

Magnus just stares at him for a moment, seeming a little surprised by the outburst but otherwise unreadable, and Alec’s heart beats double-time waiting for him to respond. When he does, it’s with a look of understanding, his hand coming up to Alec’s cheek. ‘I don’t blame you, Alexander,’ he says. ‘It was Valentine. Playing mind games is his modus operandi – just look at what he did to your parabatai. I desperately wanted you to believe me, but I know why you couldn’t.’ His eyes flick away for a moment. ‘What happened was… well, I was going to say difficult, but frankly it was fucking awful. And it’s taking me longer than I’d hoped to bounce back from it.’ He looks back at Alec, his gaze sincere. ‘But I don’t blame you.’

Alec swallows the lump in his throat, tightening his arm around Magnus. ‘Well, I’m glad,’ he says, ‘because I want to help. I want to… be here. For you.’ Magnus smiles, leaning up to kiss his cheek, and it feels like absolution. ‘I know. And you are.’ He stands up, disrupting the cocoon of warmth they’d developed, and Alec makes a small noise of complaint. ‘But neither of us are going to be any good to anyone unless we get some sleep. Come back to bed.’ He takes Alec’s hands, leading him back to the bedroom, and Alec goes willingly.

It’s another few nights before Alec stops seeing those lifeless golden eyes in his dreams, stops waking in fear and grief. But now, instead of leaving, he curls towards Magnus, and he is unfailingly met with a half-aware mumble and an arm flung around his waist, inviting him close. Lying there in the warmth of quiet forgiveness, it’s easy to go back to sleep.

~oOo~

[nnegan13]

lil gift for paige (@air-bison-yip-yip) ily girl 

textfic, on ao3 here 

set in college!AU, if everyone feels kinda OOC its cuz I personally feel like people are different when they’re texting than when they’re interacting irl so sorry if it feels off lmao it’s still fun if you overlook that part aha 

also the formatting is different bc if I did it the same way I usually do texts in fic this would’ve been So Much Harder 

anyways enjoy!!! 

— 

Martino Rametta to entirely dead inside: head count please 

Eva Brighi: sadly, awake 

Sana Allagui: silvia and fede are still sleeping 

Luchino: Marti Elia says that if you don’t stop turning the lights on and off he’s going to fucking kill you

Luchino: and gio and Sofia are missing 

Eva Brighi: Sofia? 

Sana Allagui: nice 

Martino Rametta: nico’s with me 

Martino Rametta: eyes on ele? 

Eva Brighi: bathroom 

Sana Allagui: someone go tell her not to puke too hard cause I had to clean up last time and I don’t wanna do that again

Eva Brighi: she says fuck you 

Sana Allagui: delightful

— 

Edoardo Incanti to Eleonora Sava: heard you had quite the night 

Eleonora Sava: remind me to never do college again 

Edoardo Incanti: i thought you liked all the higher education shit 

Edoardo Incanti: ya know 

Edoardo Incanti: learning things so you can make ur mark on the world 

Edoardo Incanti: all that sentimental shit 

Eleonora Sava: fuck sentiment 

Eleonora Sava: can you call the police on a university? the school’s trying to kill me 

— 

Giovanni Garau to Eva Brighi: what do you want for breakfast 

Eva Brighi: you’re an angel 

Eva Brighi: but it’s almost noon just come back we’re getting lunch 

— 

Luchino to fede text when u wake up we went to get pizza: turns out I was wrong gio and Sofia weren’t missing 

Luchino: just gio 

Luchino: does anyone actually remember Sofia leaving the party last night? 

Luchino: anyways gio’s back 

Luchino: chicco and edo say they’ll be here in five 

Eva Brighi: shit we’ve left 

Luchino: you did? 

Elia Santini: do you pay attention to anything? 

Elia Santini: anything at all 

Elia Santini: sofia didn’t even come last night ffs 

Elia Santini: they fucking changed the name of the chat dude 

— 

Sana Allagui to Eleonora Sava: when ur done we’re downstairs 

Sana Allagui: please hurry up some of us are starving 

Eleonora Sava: why did you let me drink so much ur supposed to stop this stuff 

Sana Allagui: ur very persuasive when you want to be  

Sana Allagui: are you hurrying or are you just ignoring me now 

Sana Allagui: I’m sending edo to get you 

— 

Sana Allagui to Edoardo Incanti: how long does it take to wrangle your girlfriend 

Edoardo Incanti: not my girlfriend 

Edoardo Incanti: and don’t fucking say stuff like that you’ll give me ideas 

Sana Allagui: so she’s as slow at getting with you as she is at getting dressed? 

Edoardo Incanti: fuck off 

Sana Allagui: I’m hungry, charms 

— 

Edoardo Incanti to Fede Canegallo: when are you taking ur test 

Fede Canegallo: why 

Fede Canegallo: need me out of the apartment or smth? 

Fede Canegallo: miss sava coming over? 

Edoardo Incanti: dick 

Edoardo Incanti: i guess you aren’t coming to pizza then  

Fede Canegallo: you don’t even care 

Fede Canegallo: you can just take ele now 

Edoardo Incanti: there’s nine other people with us 

Fede Canegallo: you’d still get down then n there if you were given the chance  

— 

Eva Brighi to Fede Canegallo: edo says he’s disowning you 

Eva Brighi: what toppings do you like on ur pizza 

— 

Eleonora Sava to Giovanni Garau: did i leave my shit at yours 

Eleonora Sava: please say yes 

Giovanni Garau: yeah its here 

Giovanni Garau: [pic] 

Eleonora Sava: blessings from above 

Eleonora Sava: are you joining us or no? 

Eleonora Sava: Eva says to send you the tongue emoji but I’m not feeling nasty today 

Eleonora Sava: she’d send you one herself but she’s got pizza grease on her fingers and doesn’t want to get her phone dirty 

Giovanni Garau: tell her that’s sexy of her 

— 

Edoardo Incanti to Eleonora Sava: it’s rude to text at the table 

Eleonora Sava: desperate times, mr. hypocrite 

Edoardo Incanti: who’s getting ur table manners so wonky 

Eleonora Sava: wouldn’t you like to know 

Edoardo Incanti: i would, yes 

Eleonora Sava: ur no fun 

Eleonora Sava: just gio, I left my stuff at his this morning

Eleonora Sava: and I’m worried that if I go back to get it I’ll be roped into another midterms drinking game like last night 

Eleonora Sava: he’s not exactly being the most helpful right now 

Edoardo Incanti: want me to get them for you? 

Eleonora Sava: my knight in shining armor 

Eleonora Sava: don’t you have your own midterms to studying for? I don’t want to take time away from that 

Edoardo Incanti: its nbd 

Edoardo Incanti: how bout this 

Edoardo Incanti: I’ll get ur books and you come study at mine and make sure I actually get shit done instead of playing fifa all night 

Eleonora Sava: deal

Eleonora Sava: wait if I rat you out for playing video games instead of joining us last night can we still do that or no  

— 

Eva Brighi to *plays Baby K even harder*: @chicco @edo @fede ur all the WORST 

Eva Brighi: fifa instead of drinks? 

Eva Brighi: I’m appalled I really am 

Edoardo Incanti: who knew appalled was even in ur vocabulary 

Edoardo Incanti: and why are you texting about this we’re all here 

Eva Brighi: fede isn’t and I want to express my anger at all 3 of you at the same time 

Chicco Rodi: when fifa calls it calls 

Federico Canegallo: doesn’t make it sound better chicco 

Federico Canegallo: nd some of us like having working brains to get through midterms with 

Eva Brighi: who are you and what have you done with fede 

Federico Canegallo: fuck off Eva

Edoardo Incanti: its true high school fede would be ashamed 

Elia Santini: last week fede would be ashamed 

Elia Santini: I’m ashamed 

— 

Eleonora Sava to Edoardo Incanti: eva’s reading my texts over my shoulder I’m sorry 

Eleonora Sava: please let me study at urs they haven’t killed you yet 

Eleonora Sava: I will spam you with pleases until you say yes 

Edoardo Incanti: are you done eating 

Edoardo Incanti: lets just go now 

— 

Sana Allagui to we’ve reached 40 days and 40 nights in relationships wilderness ladies and germs: barrage of obnoxious texts? 

Silvia Mirabella: they’re leaving to go study 

Silvia Mirabella: both of them are too straight laced to actually think of doing otherwise 

Silvia Mirabella: leave ‘em be 

Sana Allagui: they left pizza early 

Sana Allagui: and now we only have one car to get back 

Sana Allagui: chicco’s not going to let me DJ so what’s even the point anymore 

Sana Allagui: it’s what they deserve

Chicco Rodi: when did I say that 

Giovanni Garau: i’m coming n I’m bringing my car don’t get ur panties in a twist 

Sana Allagui: stop thinking about my panties gio 

Giovanni Garau: ffs 

Elia Santini: Sana i’m behind you 

Sana Allagui: many thanks 

Federico Canegallo: I’ve filled my obnoxious quota earlier I’m too tired to do anything else 

Martino Rametta renamed the group what happened to having a working brain fede? 

Eva Brighi: Marti you shit 

Eva Brighi renamed the group we’ve made it to 40 days and 40 nights in relationship wilderness ladies and germs 

Eva Brighi: literally the only established rule of this chat is that we only change the name to keep track of the days 

Martino Rametta: this is exhausting 

— 

Chicco Rodi to Rocco Martucci: do you have the chat muted

Rocco Martucci: sorry who is this? 

— 

Eleonora Sava to Eva Brighi: Eva 

Eleonora Sava: Eva I’m struggling 

Eva Brighi: you left pizza early to go study with edo I am not speaking to you 

Eleonora Sava: evaaaaaa 

— 

Eva Brighi removed Eleonora Sava from Le MAT&T 

Eva Brighi: ele WILL try to thirst text you today do not answer her 

Eva Brighi added Eleonora Sava to Le MAT&T 

Eleonora Sava: sorry what the fuck was that for

Silvia Mirabella: no you don’t get to protest you’ve abandoned us 

Silvia Mirabella: go study miss sava I’m disappointed in you, frankly

— 

Eleonora Sava to Federica Caciotti: are you guys at gio’s 

Eleonora Sava: Fede? 

—

Federico Canegallo to Giovanni Garau: how’s it going over there 

Giovanni Garau: we don’t have dumb sticks up our asses and aren’t studying so it’s going well 

Federico Canegallo: Eva if I wanted to talk to you I would’ve texted you 

Federico Canegallo: give gio the phone 

��� 

Eva Brighi to Federico Canegallo: fuck you 

— 

Eleonora Sava to Sana Allagui: are you guys at gio’s 

Sana Allagui: ERROR 404: The person you are trying to reach is not available. Check your connection and try again later. 

— 

Sana Allagui to Le MAT&T: [screenshot] 

Sana Allagui: and here we have the rare procrastinating ele sava in her natural habitat 

Eva Brighi: what a beautiful creature 

Federica Caciotti: truly moving to see such majesty in nature 

Silvia Mirabella: i can’t believe you’ve captured her on record 

Eleonora Sava: I know you’re all sitting in the same room laughing at each other 

Eleonora Sava: I’m never speaking to you again

—

Federico Canegallo to Edoardo Incanti: so are you guys still studying 

Federico Canegallo: or are you fucking now

Federico Canegallo: because if you’re fucking I’m not gonna come home 

Edoardo Incanti: 1. you’re a piece of shit 

Edoardi Incanti: 2. did you text me thinking that I would respond if we were fucking? 

Federico Canegallo: I mean its been a couple hours since I left so I was just making sure it was cool to come back 

Federico Canegallo: typically people don’t fuck for entire afternoons on end so 

Edoardo Incanti: please stop saying we’re fucking 

Federico Canegallo: so you’re not? 

Edoardo Incanti: i’m not going to answer that  

Edoardo Incanti: go to gio’s tho she’s moved past procrastinating and gets annoyed if you interrupt her 

—

Martino Rametta to Eleonora Sava: nico is wondering if we can use your pasta 

Eleonora Sava: will you be following a recipe 

Martino Rametta: i’m not gonna lie to you that was an ask permission after the fact kind of thing 

Martino Rametta: it is edible tho if you want to have some when you get home 

Martino Rametta: when will that be? 

— 

Eleonora Sava to Edoardo Incanti: what are you doing for dinner 

Edoardo Incanti: i think talking in person about this isn’t violating the rules 

Eleonora Sava: it is 

Eleonora Sava: I can text and study at the same time and therefore I’m still studying and therefore we have to stay in separate rooms 

Edoardo Incanti: you can be really obnoxious sometimes 

Eleonora Sava: it’s a talent 

Eleonora Sava: welcome to studying with me 

Edoardo Incanti: ok you’re getting crabby 

Eleonora Sava: rude 

Edoardo Incanti: we’re officially done studying for the moment 

Eleonora Sava: ok official means two party consent 

Eleonora Sava: I did not consent to stop studying 

Edoardo Incanti: acknowledged and overruled 

Edoardo Incanti: i’m coming to you don’t flip ur shit 

— 

Chicco Rodi to someone get milk I haven’t been able to eat cereal in four days and i’m dying: [pic] 

Chicco Rodi: Spotted! Edoardo Incanti out getting saucy with Eleonora Sava when they both said they’d be studying. Maybe they can use their combined genius to turn their ‘break’ into a ‘date.’ xoxo Gossip Girl 

Edoardo Incanti: fuck off man 

Federico Canegallo: edo all you have to do to make this stop 

Federico Canegallo: is stop being a fucking coward and tell her how you feel  

— 

Chicco Rodi to Eva Brighi: edo and ele are at that greek stand by the conservatory 

Eva Brighi: how dare they get gyros without me 

Eva Brighi: what are you doing there 

Chicco Rodi: not getting gyros bc now I have to spy on them 

Eva Brighi: unfortunate 

Chicco Rodi: the things I do for them 

Eva Brighi: what, exactly, are you doing for them 

Chicco Rodi: ur getting too hung up on the details 

—

Elia Santini to *plays Baby K even harder*: drinks tonight? 

Martino Rametta: some of us value our livers 

Eleonora Sava: and our grades 

Eva Brighi: if you value ur grades so much 

Eleonora Sava: don’t say it 

Eva Brighi: why aren’t you studying rn? 

Eva Brighi: mm? 

Elia Santini: again, drinks tonight? 

Elia Santini: bueller? bueller? 

Luchino: I’m in 

Chicco Rodi: @elia we’re gonna try to play that one game from New Girl tonight 

Giovanni Garau: i fucking love new girl 

Federica Caciotti: doesn’t that revolve around American politicians 

Chicco Rodi: historical figures, please 

Chicco Rodi: and yes 

Federica Caciotti: interesting 

Sana Allagui: I’m coming just to watch you guys be confused 

Edoardo Incanti: when is this starting 

Chicco Rodi: may or may not be four drinks in 

Edoardo Incanti: is2g 

— 

Eleonora Sava to Giovanni Garau: is anyone at urs rn? I need a quiet place to study 

Giovanni Garau: no 

Giovanni Garau: why don’t you go home? 

Eleonora Sava: Eva will yell at me 

Eleonora Sava: and edo forgot one of my books there earlier when he picked them up I’m sorry 

Giovanni Garau: ok i’m leaving right now 

Giovanni Garau: door’s unlocked but please be quick our neighbor will steal everything we own  

Eleonora Sava: eva’s right you are an angel 

—

Federico Canegallo to Edoardo Incanti: are you coming home or nah 

Edoardo Incanti: went to gio’s to study 

Edoardo Incanti: back later 

Federico Canegallo: do you even need to study this much for the one test you still have 

Federico Canegallo: I don’t understand you 

—

Edoardo Incanti to Eva Brighi: ele is exhausted please don’t yell at her when she gets upstairs 

Eva Brighi: … 

Eva Brighi: fine 

Eva Brighi: but only cuz you said please 

— 

Eva Brighi renamed the group 41 days and 41 nights in relationship wilderness ladies and germs 

— 

Eva Brighi to Eleonora Sava: Marti wants to know if you want anything for breakfast he and Nico are going out 

Eva Brighi: he also called me lazy for not getting off the couch to ask you in person 

Eva Brighi: will you yell at him for that pls 

— 

Silvia Mirabella to *plays Baby K even harder*: drinks here tonight for those of us who are feeling reckless or actually are done with midterms 

Silvia Mirabella: starting at 21 but we’re getting Thai at 19 if anyone wants to join 

Chicco Rodi: can u be both? 

Silvia Mirabella: yea that’s allowed 

Chicco Rodi: sick 

Elia Santini: if we want Thai but don’t feel like actually going to the Thai place 

Silvia Mirabella: no 

— 

Silvia Mirabella sent a link to silvietta.sil, profile on PayPal to Le MAT&T: fund drinks for tonight pls and thanks  

Federica Caciotti renamed the group Le Mom’s not buying the booze anymore 

Silvia Mirabella: funny 

Federica Caciotti sent a link to federicarica, profile on PayPal: fund my career launch into comedy pls and thanks 

— 

Federico Canegallo to do NOT speak to me about the scooter: fifa tourney @ 15? 

Elia Santini: ye 

Giovanni Garau: taking my last midterm but I can be there at like 16:30 

Federico Canegallo: lame 

Chicco Rodi: will I actually get to play today sir 

Luchino: sounds good 

Rocco Martucci: do any of you actually go to class 

Elia Santini: @chicco @rocco no

Chicco Rodi: fuck you @elia

Martino Rametta: same with gio but Nico says he’ll be there at 15 

Martino Rametta: he’s wondering if you’ll have snacks or no 

Federico Canegallo: tell the little fucker he can die before eating all of my good pretzels again 

Martino Rametta: he says bite me 

Federico Canegallo: @edo hello???? 

Federico Canegallo: update edo is still sleeping but told me to tell you all he’s going to kick your asses 

Elia Santini: fat fucking chance, charms 

— 

Eva Brighi to Eleonora Sava: making coffee would you like some 

— 

Edoardo Incanti to Eleonora Sava: hi please tell me you actually went to bed last night instead of studying more 

Eleonora Sava: I did 

Edoardo Incanti: ok good 

Edoardo Incanti: when are you taking it 

Eleonora Sava: tomorrow 

Edoardo Incanti: are you feeling better about it than you were yesterday? 

Eleonora Sava: yes 

Eleonora Sava: thank you 

Edoardo Incanti: of course 

Edoardo Incanti: i’d offer to let you come study here again but fede and chicco want to play fifa 

Edoardo Incanti: lucky fuckers are already done with their midterms 

Edoardo Incanti: but if you need someone to study with again, I’ll take on the task 

Eleonora Sava: how kind of you 

Eleonora Sava: I’m ok tho 

Edoardo Incanti: if you’re sure 

— 

Eva Brighi to Eleonora Sava: are you down for Thai or no? 

Eva Brighi: because now is the time to say something if ur not 

Eva Brighi: silvia is Determined to get spring rolls 

Eva Brighi: I think only you could stop her 

Eva Brighi: sana tried suggesting that Salvadorian place but sil shut her down hard 

Eva Brighi: come save us from tyranny pls 

—

Chicco Rodi to *plays Baby K even harder*: just wanted to publicly make it known that I kicked Fede and Elia’s asses at fifa 

Sana Allagui: ladies we’ve been demoted to peanut gallery

Sana Allagui: this is a federal offense 

Eva Brighi: @chicco I’ll be impressed when you can beat ele at mario kart

Federica Caciotti: same 

Martino Rametta: points were made

Silvia Mirabella: guys he might die lets not make him do that 

Sana Allagui: can we still take them to court 

Federica Caciotti: yes of course 

Eva Brighi: get ur fucking lawyer ready boys 

Luchino: wait court for what 

Giovanni Garau: grabbing the game cube when I go home this weekend 

Giovanni Garau: mario kart tourney Sunday night 

Federico Canegallo: um pay attention to this tourney pls and thanks 

Chicco Rodi: I’ve been challenged tho 

Chicco Rodi: and they’re suing us 

Federico Canegallo: I will smother you in ur sleep chicco PAY ATTENTION 

— 

Edoardo Incanti to Eleonora Sava: contrary to what the gc says it was mostly me who beat fede and Elia 

Eleonora Sava: color me even more impressed than I already said I was 

Edoardo Incanti: you didn’t say anything 

Eleonora Sava: exactly 

Edoardo Incanti: no one asked you to be sarcastic about it 

Edoardo Incanti: now what’s this about mario kart 

Eleonora Sava: don’t even try I will kick ur ass 

Edoardo Incanti: I’ll have you know I’ve won every single Incanti cousins mario kart tourney since we started doing them when I was like nine 

Eleonora Sava: its not that hard to beat Eva she’s shit 

Edoardo Incanti: we have other cousins ya know 

Eleonora Sava: did mario kart even exist when u were nine 

Edoardo Incanti: ya p sure

Eleonora Sava: hm 

Eleonora Sava: sounds dubious

Eleonora Sava: old 

Edoardo Incanti: hey 

— 

Eva Brighi to Le Mom’s not buying the booze anymore: yeah I think Thai is fine 

Sana Allagui: its not 

Eva Brighi: what’s not fine is hiding in ur room and not answering ur texts all day 

Federica Caciotti: ok so we’ve gotten through procrastination ele and annoyed ele and now we’re on to hermit ele 

Federica Caciotti: we’ve almost completed the cycle 

Silvia Mirabella: is she alive can you tell 

Silvia Mirabella: sana shut up about the food for a sec 

Sana Allagui: ok easy for u when ur the one that’s winning 

Eva Brighi: yeah I’ve heard her go to the bathroom once or twice but she hasn’t come out besides that 

Eva Brighi: I’ve texted her several times and when I call she sends me to voicemail 

Sana Allagui: have you like knocked on the door 

Eva Brighi: I may be an idiot but I’m not stupid Sana 

Eva Brighi: of course I have 

Eva Brighi: ele if you’re reading this knock on ur wall twice 

Eva Brighi: ok she did it. love you ele please come out and eat something  

—

Chicco Rodi to *plays Baby K even harder*: @ele so are you going to beat my ass in mario kart or not 

Chicco Rodi: you didn’t say anything 

Chicco Rodi: i need to kno how many blows my pride is gonna take this week 

Federico Canegallo: ok you are preemptively anticipating ele beating you when gio’s beating you right now 

Federico Canegallo: you’re not even playing anymore ffs 

Chicco Rodi: some things you just have to accept fede 

Edoardo Incanti: who the fuck says preemptively anticipate 

Eva Brighi: don’t be jealous just bc some fede sounds fancier than you 

Edoardo Incanti: is this bc I insulted ur vocabulary yesterday 

— 

Sana Allagui to Eleonora Sava: not responding to hermit ele takes some strength 

Sana Allagui: is everything ok?

— 

Edoardo Incanti: appalled 

Edoardo Incanti: dubious 

Edoardo Incanti: preemptive 

Edoardo Incanti: anticipation 

Eleonora Sava: no I am not arguing with you about this 

Eleonora Sava: I’m studying 

Eleonora Sava: unlike some people 

Edoardo Incanti: mm ok point taken  

—

Sana Allagui to Le Mom’s not paying for the booze anymore: ok Eva w/e you’ve done to piss ele off has extended to me 

Sana Allagui: she’s not responding to my texts 

Eva Brighi: well what did you say 

Eva Brighi: also she’s not pissed off she’s Stressed 

Eva Brighi: i’m Stressed 

Sana Allagui: I asked if she was ok 

Sana Allagui: n she didn’t say anything  

Silvia Mirabella: ele knock twice on the wall again if ur stressed 

Silvia Mirabella: eva did she do it 

Eva Brighi: no 

Eva Brighi: her phone’s going straight to voicemail now I think it’s off 

Silvia Mirabella: damn 

Silvia Mirabella: frontal assault into her room? 

Eva Brighi: I have a better idea 

— 

Eva Brighi to Edoardo Incanti: hey

—

Eleonora Sava to marti make sure nico cleans out the lint filter on the dryer or I will cut you: someone please water the plants on the veranda 

Eleonora Sava: I just realized that I didn’t get to them this morning and they’re sitting directly in the sun 

Martino Rametta: i would totally do it but I am not home atm 

Eva Brighi: I have a good idea for you 

Eva Brighi: you could come out and do it yourself 

Eva Brighi: ele? 

— 

Martino Rametta to Eva Brighi: everything ok with ele? 

Eva Brighi: you’ve been gone all day I forgot 

Eva Brighi: she isn’t coming out of her room or answering her texts 

Martino Rametta: oh so Test Ele 

Eva Brighi: I think its worse than usual 

— 

Martino Rametta to Eleonora Sava: hi i would request that you set aside your books and take ten deep breaths 

Martino Rametta: nico seconds me 

Eleonora Sava: :/ 

Martino Rametta: eva did water the plants on the veranda she sent me a pic 

Eleonora Sava: :) 

— 

Edoardo Incanti to Eva Brighi: sorry I was talking to nonna 

Edoardo Incanti: she wants us to come over soon 

Eva Brighi: like today soon? 

Edoardo Incanti: no like in a few weeks 

Eva Brighi: ok 

Eva Brighi: wait aren’t you guys doing fifa right now 

Edoardo Incanti: does that make me incapable of texting nonna 

Eva Brighi: she doesn’t text 

Edoardo Incanti: calling nonna then w/e 

Eva Brighi: edoardo incanti did you actually speak to our grandmother or are you bsing me 

Edoardo Incanti: i promise I did I’m just very tired atm 

Eva Brighi: ok lover boy I’ll let it slide this time 

Eva Brighi: text ele for me I haven’t heard or seen her all day and I’m getting worried 

Edoardo Incanti: weird she’s been texting me 

Eva Brighi: of fucking course 

Edoardo Incanti: is everything ok? 

Eva Brighi: she’s being a recluse 

Eva Brighi: I’ve found that she gets like this around tests its p usual 

Eva Brighi: but this feels off I’m worried 

— 

Edoardo Incanti: in order to properly be a recluse you have to turn your phone off you know 

Eleonora Sava: I have no idea what ur talking about 

Edoardo Incanti: Eva says she hasn’t heard from you all day 

Edoardo Incanti: you haven’t been responding in the gc 

Edoardo Incanti: but you’ve been texting me 

Edoardo Incanti: don’t recluses avoid all contact w the outside world 

Eleonora Sava: whoever said I was trying to be a recluse 

Edoardo Incanti: is everything ok? 

Eleonora Sava: yes 

Eleonora Sava: why wouldn’t it be 

Edoardo Incanti: i’m coming over 

Eleonora Sava: you don’t need to 

Edoardo Incanti: i am tho 

Eleonora Sava: edo 

Eleonora Sava: edo seriously you don’t have to 

Eleonora Sava: edo pick up your damn phone 

— 

Edoardo Incanti to Eva Brighi: are you home? 

Eva Brighi: ya 

Edoardo Incanti: come buzz me in 

Eva Brighi: she’s not gonna let you in I’ve tried that 

Edoardo Incanti: w/e just do it pls 

— 

Federico Canegallo: where did you go 

Edoardo Incanti: ele’s 

Federico Canegallo: ok 

Federico Canegallo: not gonna finish the tourney? 

Edoardo Incanti: we played for like two and a half hours I think that’s enough

Federico Canegallo: ok 

Federico Canegallo: are you gonna come to drinks 

Edoardo Incanti: depends 

Federico Canegallo: ok 

Federico Canegallo: tell her to feel better 

— 

Eva Brighi to Le Mom’s not buying the booze anymore: ok better idea is here now 

Sana Allagui: don’t tell me you got edo to come over 

Silvia Mirabella: eva now is not the time to try to set them up 

Sana Allagui: it’s brilliant 

Eva Brighi: ok contrary to popular (silvia’s) belief chicco and I are NOT crazy for trying to set them up 

Eva Brighi: n this isn’t part of that 

Eva Brighi: they are friends and friends are allowed to do shit like care about each other 

Federica Caciotti: and have romantic feelings for one another 

Eva Brighi: not! the! point!

— 

Silvia Mirabella to *plays Baby K even harder*: numbers for Thai? 

Luchino: me

Elia Santini: ok the tourney’s almost done 

Elia Santini: you’re sure you won’t bring any to us 

Silvia Mirabella: we are going back to mine after this why would we bring it all the way to fede’s 

Chicco Rodi: me for Thai 

Giovanni Garau: same 

Martino Rametta: me n nico too 

Elia Santini: traitors 

Martino Rametta: we literally are already done with the tourney you’re just a sore loser and want to play until you win a game 

Elia Santini: ur exposing me 

Elia Santini: i will eat ur firstborn 

Silvia Mirabella: edo? fede? 

Federico Canegallo: nah I am gonna pity play Elia until he wins 

Elia Santini: fuck you 

— 

Edoardo Incanti to Silvia Mirabella: any chance you could make a stop here after Thai 

Silvia Mirabella: no i literally just told Elia I’m not going to yours 

Edoardo Incanti: at ele’s 

Silvia Mirabella: oh 

Silvia Mirabella: yeah of course 

Silvia Mirabella: what do you guys want 

Edoardo Incanti: the drunken noodles and that one yellow curry 

Silvia Mirabella: will do 

Silvia Mirabella: is ele ok? 

Edoardo Incanti: yeah she’s alright 

Silvia Mirabella: tell her I’m glad she’s ok 

— 

Eva Brighi to Edoardo Incanti: how’s ele 

Edoardo Incanti: hungry 

Eva Brighi: we’ll stop by soon 

Eva Brighi: almost done I promise 

Eva Brighi: besides that? 

Edoardo Incanti: she yelled at me for a bit for coming over n got mad when I took away her textbook 

Edoardo Incanti: but then she calmed down 

Edoardo Incanti: currently on the porch 

Edoardo Incanti: she’s v concerned about the plants 

Edoardo Incanti: says you did a shit job of watering them 

Eva Brighi: that is what she wants to say rn 

Eva Brighi: so picky 

Eva Brighi: is she feeling better? 

Edoardo Incanti: i think so 

Edoardo Incanti: really remains to be see tho 

Edoardo Incanti: she’s very stressed 

Eva Brighi: ok 

Eva Brighi: keep me updated 

— 

Silvia Mirabella to Edoardo Incanti: i come bearing food 

Silvia Mirabella: buzz me in pls 

— 

Federico Canegallo to *plays Baby K even harder*: we’ll be over soon 

Eva Brighi: cool we started w/o you 

— 

Eva Brighi to Le Mom’s not paying for the booze anymore: mission check on ele post drinks is a go 

Eva Brighi: I might be too drunk for this but w/e

Eva Brighi: all the lights are off 

Eva Brighi: it’s quiet 

Eva Brighi: checking her room 

Eva Brighi: oh! 

Eva Brighi: they are asleep 

Sana Allagui: they 

Silvia Mirabella: they?

Eva Brighi: yes edo is here still 

Sana Allagui: nice 

Federica Caciotti: how does ele look 

Eva Brighi: relaxed 

Sana Allagui: are they snuggling 

Eva Brighi: yes 

Eva Brighi: its v cute 

— 

Eva Brighi renamed the group ok they were snuggling last night are we still in the relationship wilderness, who knows? day 1 

Chicco Rodi: sorry they were what last night 

[tellywoodtrash]

khkt 31.08.19 lb

disclaimer: i quite dislike mahaepisodes. they're too long and stuffed with the drama of like 4 normal episodes, and thus are absolutely exhausting for me to watch at a go. i like my desi show episodes 22 minutes tops, thanks. so i'm kinda grumpy even before starting this.  

———————————————————————

sona it's nice of you to pay for the day for gita and all, but i still don't get how you just sent a person working on the show to some random house to go do decor there....

oh boy. mhatre murdered his sweet wife. god, i had hoped he'd never darken our doorway again.

so nethra just came in here with this terrible news for some "i told you so"-ing? kinda disturbing.

you know when someone's like "best part hai ki tumhara koi lena dena nahi hai........" that it's going to have hella lotsa lena dena with the person here.

lol nethra is a little too optimistic about the law and order in our country, no?

these police officers are not as imposing as they think they are.

i just realised that this is a fake book. coz first off, 10th standard has just one combined textbook for all the three sciences. secondly, majaaal hai jo ncert textbooks are this glossy and attractive and spur students to have even the sliiiiiiiiiightest urge to study from them. #cbseSurvivor #dontAsk #stillNotOverTheTrauma

dr. surgeon approves of efforts put in. dude, don't you know highlighting is the easiest way to waste time and make it look like you're studying when you’re not??? god he must have been one of those sach mein padhaai karne waala types.

DOST/DOCTOR/FAKE BOYFRIEND CAN IDENTIFY BAD MOOD. ASKSJADLAKS HONESTLY ROHIT.

lmaooooooooooo yeah right, mr. death is just a flat line to me. ek patient coma mein chali gayi and you can't handle it, baaaat karte ho.

OK YOU'RE TAKING YOUR FAKE BOYFRIEND DUTIES A LITTLE TOO SRSLY, MATE. THIS IS SOME REAL BOYFRIEND SHIT.

yaaaaaaaaaas, she asked him about raima. and he has some nonsense gyaan that he doesn't really believe. sir, you are simply having a good couple of days coz you're suppressing your real issues with this drama. please go to a real therapist, work on your issues, and genuinely move the fuck on.

her jamaofying rob on him. tooooooooo cute. i love it.

sona musing about what state their relationship will be in when they finish this drama and if they'll still be as close has me so surprised. she has the most sorted head on her shoulders i have ever seen on a character in tellywood. i keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, but she keeps pleasantly surprising me!!!!!!!!

idhar the sippy matriarchs are hellbent on acquiring sonakshi as bahu. whether she or rohit want it or not.

omfg. this one's screaming. we had a good few weeks without it and i'd forgotten how unpleasant it was.

this twit just wants the gossip on what sona di did ~this time~. god.

akash toh idhar bhi aa dhamka to snoop on decor. uncle, aapko aaj kal kaam pe nahi jaana kya?

at least he seems to like sona, which.... small mercies.

ughhhhhhhhhhh pariiiiiiii i hate you. you're such a troublemaker. also i know you're just using this as an excuse to call rohan. ugh ugh ugh UGH.

poor tanya. i feel such rage on her behalf, i swear to god.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THESE THREE ARE THE WORST. NOTHING GOOD COMES OF IT WHEN THEY COMBINE THEIR AWFULNESS.

lmaooooooooooooooooooooo rohan's lameass line didn't work on pari. i love it.

oh my god, i hate pari so much.

ok kuch zyaaaaaaada hi buildup.

still can't take this paplu-taplu cop duo seriously.

also this guy’s shoddy pagdi is annoying me. there was literally no need to make him a sikh if you ppl couldn’t do it right.

hahahahahahaha.

oh god ishqbaaaz trauma coming back. *clutches chest*

arre waah, nishi ko "tacky serial actress" ka decor pasand aa gaya?

lol ajit ko idhar kahin pe khada kar do. he's already in the floral theme.

i agree with rohit. it's all too fucking much.

wow nishi defending it to rohit!

i hope this level-headedness of hers comes up again in other situations re: sona too.

i mean, i don't love the look (i like her in simpler stuff like what she did for teejri, than so done up) but i am fully here for rohit's reaction!

haaye what a confidence boost!

snort.

vimmi ke liye toh tyohaar sonakshi ka bday hoga. (guess rohit will join in too from this year....)

lmao rohit pushing pesky little brother away, and him springing right back.

i honestly love ajit the most. cutest little bean ever.

"vimmiji, aapne agar ek baar aur PARVATIJI kaha, toh main aapko PARVATIJI ke yaahan kaam karne bhej doonga."

oh god, sona singing the shirali tune of everyone getting coordinated outfits and theme and all.

"real life mein log kapde repeat kar sakte hain!" and yet, we rarely see YOU in the same outfit more than once?

"jaisa hai tumhara hai." uh no thnx, apna defective maal iske matthe daalne ki koshish mat karo!

god i love these two together.

yeh kya bakwaas music hai????

ma'am, he's a doctor. who cuts into ppl. he needs to look..... not insane. can't have him looking like he's dressed by shirali.

ohhhhhhhhh boy.

he likes this music? really?

good. lord.

OH GOD I AM DYING OF MICHMICHIIIIIIII. OPEN YOUR DAMN EYES IDIOTSSSSSSS.

lmaoooooo, why is he covering his chest?!?!?!?!!

also, don’t think i didn’t see you sneak a look at the goods, sona. i mean, good for you, at least you know what you gotta work with.

nice legs, rohit.

arre sona, khareedne se pehle packaging kholke dekhna kitno ke naseeb mein hota hai? in your own words, “appreciate karne ke bajay kitkit kar rahe ho”????

"AUR KOI TOH NAHI HAI KAMRE MEIN?????" lmaooooooo

oh god.

hein? this ain't no coordinated colours? everyone wearing kuch bhi. there's no match between decor, outfits, each other.... god it's like i'm tripping on acid.

lol aa gaya na line pe.

but also, i'd make this face at pehla waala nazaara. but i realize sab meri tarah awwal number ke tharki nahi hai.

same, mom, same.

..... what is the point of akash's character, really???

fuckerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

oh god. naach gaana. oh lordddddd. like a michmichi punch to my gut.

nononononononono, fwding.

cute.

look at this one basking, all smiley. YOU BEST NOT LET THIS GIRL GO, ROHIT, I SWEAR TO GOD.

OH THANK GOD IMAGINATION THA. PHEWWWWWWW.

i ship this sismance.

panditji se kyun pooch rahe ho? as if his opinion is the one you want rn.

6/10. snort. pehle toh 10/10 tha (esp. without the clothes) but this akad got you -4.

oh boy, who this loud punjabi woman?

lmao i fully relate with nishi.

yeah, nishi's phadda with her is justified.

abbe oh tum dono ke mooh mein dahi jam gayi hai kya? you gonna let her talk to nishi like that??? YK? PUT YO MOM ON A LEASH PLS.

yeah, nishi is 100% right. fuck this saas.

uh hi naren, you're the worst and seem to know nothing about women. this is why your son hates you.

oh boy, more naach gaana. whyyyyyyyyyy????????

lol sona underestimating sippy boys ka dance. sis you just saw one of them. maybe the others are good?

"bedroom mein toh mera dance dekh ke bohut mazza aaya tha....." ASKLDJFDSLKFJLDSKFJLDSKJFLKSDFJ

ROHIT MAY I REMIND YOU, YOU ARE PRETENDING!!!!!!!!! YOU REALLY NEED TO FUCKING STOP.

ohohohohoho challenge.

yk is like FUCK YEAH MY TIME HAS COME, MERE ANDAR KE KALAKAAAAAR KO MAUKA MIL RAHA HAI!!!!!!

abbbbbbe yaaaaaaaar, achche mood ka sayanaaaash karne yeh bhi aa gayi.

after that medical nonsense, i almost welcome the naach gaana.

also sona, there's exactly one doctor sippy boy here. you shoulda been more careful when issuing challenge. marketing types don't give a fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. builders and chefs toh are almost certainly on drugs.

yeah cute and all, but i'm fwding.

awwwwwwwwww yisssssssssssssssssssssss.

oh god, a perfect storm in a teacup situation brewing.

fuckkkkkkkkkk, look at them look at each other with those heart eyes.

ouff too much drama. this why i don't like mahaepisodes.

great. rohit getting called away to attend to raima. NOT GOOD NOT GOOD NOT GOOOOOOOD.

oh godddddddd, let her go, abhi ke abhi haar chadhaana hai aap logon ko???? rohit's not even here!!!

nishi's face. poor thing. this is not her evening.

yk's mom has her nazar on it. pls stay in your lane, aunty.

ok that's huge and tacky and what outfits will it even go with.

yeah i'd be quite hairaan-pareshaan too, if saddled with this monstrosity.

"CRITI HOME" lol what a dumb name.

there is more than just one person in the world in a coma, rohit.

OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHITTTTTTTTTT.

nishi's evening is finally looking up. she needed this win, and frankly, i'm kinda glad she got it.

no no no no don't go to see the patient now, there's a critical case at home, go handle thaaaat.

oh god, yelling yelling, so much yelling.

ajit in the bg having oh shit oh shit oh shittttttt moment.

THANK GOD. THAAAAAAAANK GOD.

behen ab toh tu uth hi jaa.

pls god stop yelling. i can't take this shit.

this nishi's saas is also one hungry-for-drama types.

oh no. this is not good.

oh goddddddddddddddddd, suman pls.

lmao nishi.

bless tanya and pooja who look so upset.

and then there's this idiot, jiske thopde pe tharak ke alaava koi expression nahi aata.

oh daaaaaaaaaaaamn, suman rastogi, you are way more masterful than you look.

i'm back to feeling really bad for nishi again. poori family ke saamne bhaanda phod diya.

but also, do i see a little bit of respect in her eyes for suman and the way she played it?????

lol standard desi mom "tu ghar toh chal" warning.

oh god pair choone waala drama mat karo pls.

sigh. poor nishi.

itni jaldi waapas pohunch gaya? aaj nahi hai mumbai ki sadko pe traffic????

oh god shaadi tak baat pohunch gayi hai.

never been this glad to see the police appear.

ok cannot handle thisssssssssss level of drama with the music and closeups. it's grating on my nerves. i’ll need to sleep all of tomorrow to handle this exhaustion.

———————————————————————

kasme vaade toh bade kar rahe ho, but let's see how they hold up after raima wakes up.

oooooooooh i am very interested in this new dynamic!

oh thank god, rohit finally finds out about mhatre. i hope he'll tell nishi and she'll come over on to #teamSona