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thisisyourprincipalspeaking · 3 months

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A few things here:

1) he has never done something like post IG montages for any other public relationship. Even before he had IG, unless I am mistaken he never did any of this with his past GFs, and they all had IG even if he didn’t. In fact, I believe he never even posted about any partner publicly in the past and very rarely spoke about them except in passing.

He did, however, publicly engage in SM with his ex Jenny and it was wholesome and cute for the most part. He was seen out and about with her and other exes and there are photos from fans and lots of sightings. He even attended a family fueled red carpet with Jenny. These are all things out in the open.

The montage IG stuff has never felt genuine and I think that’s why red flags and questions were brought up.

Ryan and Eva and Chris and Elsa - both show their relationships with tons of PR. They’re both well received by the public and probably the fans too so whatever they do you most likely won’t find it too cringe.

People have hated the PT person since the start so no matter what, people were going to hate this. It’s clear in a lot of anon’s comments that they feel negatively about this situation so now he’s a “teenager” with her but Ryan and Eva are very mature. I agree that Ryan and Eva have been together much longer but if you saw “his” past relationships and how this stuff didn’t happen with those women - it should raise a question of why now this looks vastly different.

2) there’s a bit too much of claiming he likes attention when all the celebs just mentioned here also like attention and pick and choose what they post. Using cillian Murphy as a comparison also makes little sense to me because yeah he doesn’t have SM and he appears private but he’s also in the public eye when he needs to be. You don’t know if he’s getting comped trips and private parties (he most likely is) because you haven’t seen him post anything about that. Hence because he doesn’t have SM. All celebs who get to a certain point in their career will get comps and free trips and they’re allowed to take advantage of that if they wish. It’s not like “he” is flaunting his trips - he posts a thank here or there for comps in the past and he’s seen with his family at Disney and pictures are taken. What’s the big deal? Why is he not allowed to like these things?

“He” likes certain things he can get like trips and etc. ok? And? Does this make him any different than any other person? I don’t see him in the headlines or being papped every other day.

Suddenly he loves attention since this lame relationship appeared and fans are mad they have to know about it. For two years nobody ever saw these two and yall were mad but now they did some pap walks and you’re still mad. To claim he gets a pass from people makes little sense to me because all I see on tumblr are people criticizing him 24:7 and coming onto pages like yours to vent.

He doesn’t really do much or show much when he’s not being seen publicly and so I don’t believe he’s out there thriving for meaningless attention. And his fans are viewing him under a microscope so they’re going to zero in on him in all ways.

Lastly, he and his cofounder for his website did the legwork leading up to launching the platform. They did months of backend work and went to DC to knock on politician doors and conduct interviews and who knows what else behind the scenes. Some of you claiming he didn’t do much work and is only the face is also wrong because if that were true, then why is it always his fault the site didn’t mention this or didn’t post this? It’s either he didn’t do anything and has nothing to do with the content being presented or he’s in charge of all decisions and because they didn’t discuss ABC topic or they let certain politicians have a platform it means he’s the reason this is happening.

You can’t have it both ways.

when you say "you" at the end, anon, i'm not sure if you're addressing the proverbial, collective you or if you're specifically addressing the principal.

if you're addressing the collective you, aka the fandom, then in a way you're correct. not everyone (the proverbial you) can be satisfied all at the same time. it's impossible. but remember that much of what is shown is intentionally crafted to create conversation- whether that conversation is good/bad cannot be controlled and those who craft the stories count on there being some people to fall on each side in order to elongate the discourse.

on your list item 1): while i agree with your overall point, i don't agree with your supporting details. twitter was not created for sharing photos. that's what instagram was created for. twitter was originally created as a way for users to use short messaging services (SMS = texting) to microblog their random thoughts to groups of followers. it was 4 years before the site had the functionality for pictures/videos. so these comparisons are not evenly yoked. people also act differently in different relationships.

i agree with your point about jenny and that the ig montage did not feel genuine.

on your list item 2): all celebs like attention when it comes to their careers. they want their projects to do well so that they are profitable and are more likely to get future job offers. cillian, as you said, is public when the job calls for it. not having social media is his prerogative, and that's fantastic. but his not having social media isn't necessarily why you don't see whether or not he receives comped perks. part of the deal with comped offers is that the company/venue is allowed to advertise your visit in order to attract attention to their business. which is why you see chris, and other celebs, posting about their trips to these "great places" or how they "love this particular restaurant/product/service" because that's part of the exchange. it's not because the celeb wants to invite the public into their daily lives or their private vacations. your questions:

what’s the big deal? >>> there isn't one

why is he not allowed to like these things? >>> he is

does this make him any different than any other person? >>> different than any other person? yes, very much so. different from any other celebrity? no, not at all.

chris doesn't have to do much in order to get himself out there because the fandom- and for a long time, the gp- does it for him. you even said so yourself when you mentioned how his relationship with jenny was documented by sightings coming from fans. this doesn't make him "thriving for meaningless attention" it makes him smart. he has previously, and still does from some fans, get a pass for a lot of behaviors because he was so well-loved and paraded around the idea of him as the all-american boy next door. when someone has been feeding that narrative for a long time, and fans have eaten up that narrative to the point of defending him, giving him the benefit of the doubt, covering for his oopsies, and talking up his projects as to keep his name relevant and constantly trending to then have that long-supported image shattered, fans are allowed to be upset by that. and yes, they are allowed to vent about it here (to an extent, see the rules).

on your last item: i agree with you that chris and mark did a lot of legwork, prep, and collaborating for asp for a good while before launch. i think the anon ask you're referencing, the anon was speaking more regarding recent content and promotion. chris has been noticeably absent. in defense, early on the objective was made clear that the plan was for ce to take a backseat once the project was up and going. while i understand that was always the goal, and that he has had a lot of other professional and personal things happening that have taken his attention, the state of america (and the world) hasn't really been an ideal time to take a backseat. based on previous behavior in recent political tribulation, the chris that really roped in a lot of fans would have spoken up. now, with asp's reputation paired with his wife's association with racism and bigotry, his silence is that much louder - especially for these allied fans and any fans of color or minority.

the principal isn't asking to have it both ways. the principal is asking for students to see it both ways and realize either is plausible. chris is a very privileged white man who doesn't need an army of troops and i could be wrong, if so i apologize in advance, but your ask has a tone of defense to it and feels like you are wanting everyone to give chris a break because he's not a bad person. the principal has never said he's a bad person; he's a human. so if your ask is specifically addressing the principal, then it's dangerously misdirected.

#anon asks #chris evans #asp #a starting point #spirit of service award #celebrities #celebrity relationships #fandom #chris evans fandom #chris evans shitshow #fandom drama #this is your principal speaking

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charity-angel · 1 year

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So, this is mostly because I need to vent about something, but...

This time on Ahsoka:

- never thought Huyang would end up as my favourite. I love his bitching about them not doing as they were told. Ahsoka is getting it in the montrals ALL THE WAY to Ezra. She'll never hear the last of it. And neither will Sabine, when they rescue her. And him with Jacen - that is going to be an epic relationship when the kid starts training. (Huyang as the new Yoda - grandmaster to all, all the sass, less of the outright lunacy.)

- ANAKIN! okay, yeah, so technically he appeared last week, but that was so much fun. Hayden looked like he was having an absolute BALL. And we got to see him playing Clone Wars Anakin, who is far superior to the angst ridden movie version. And, as bonuses -

* bb Ahsoka. Who, very interestingly, was wearing entirely the wrong outfit for it being "one of their first missions". I wonder why that might be? A touch inappropriate for a real-life child to wear? Hmm?

* REX! Rex in armour, and a single line, but I feel it bears saying again. REX!!! (I so wanted him to lift his bucket, and be Daniel Logan under there. Still time I suppose - I reckon Skyguy is going to appear again.)

* Did anyone else look out for familiar armour? Like, as soon as the first clone appeared?

And now, the point I forewarned you about. And anyone who actually pays attention to my rants about appropriate tagging will probably have guessed:

- why does it have to be BLOODY PURGILL??? That's rhetorical - I know why. I realised after the first 2 eps they were going to appear. That was, after months of telling my family I was really looking forward to Ahsoka, and then trying to tell them about her without their eyes glazing over, my brother asked me what I thought (no one else had watched yet), and I realised. Purgill. Blasted purgill in all their tentacley glory.

I just don't watch when they're on screen. I probably miss some things because of that but, just, nope. They were bad enough in Rebels, and I can usually cope with animated.

(Not always. Not a fan of Morgana in Little Mermaid 2, and I noped out of Finding Dory when I saw the poster. Apparently she's sweet, but no. Ursula, otoh, is almost entirely fine, despite the fact she's probably the cause. Octopus baddie, THAT scene, on a big screen at age 4? Yeah, it's probably her. I can never watch Blue Planet. Can't even deal with cuttlefish. Yeesh.)

And, just so I'm not leaving this on a negative, or my own personal weirdness, I'm pretty sure there are other people in the World Between the Worlds who might want to say hi to Ahsoka (and Ezra). Just sayin'...

#ahsoka #sw ahsoka #ahsoka s01e05 #ahsoka 1.05 #ahsoka 1x05 #spoilers

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otakween · 1 year

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Digimon Adventure 02: Tag Tamers - Final Thoughts

This game was great, but my experience was slightly negatively affected by the lack of information on it. The one walkthrough I was able to find really did me dirty lol.

Anyways, I stand by my previous statement that the Wonderswan games deserve more love. I think they're definitely the best of the Adventure/02 era.

Notes:

-Okay, time to vent a little. I used this walkthrough and whoever wrote it was just flat out wrong about a bunch of stuff. They made me believe I had to go WAY harder than I needed to with fusing digimon (a very slow and tedious process if you want a lot of jogress points). They then led me to believe I had to beat the 2nd to last dungeon 10 times to get 10 pieces of a digimental...that ended up being not true at all, so I beat that dungeon 10 times for no reason lol. In the walkthrough they went into the final battle with a bunch of OP digimon with like a zillion jogress points. I went in with a bunch of weenie hut jr. digimon and was fine. Most misleading walkthrough I've ever followed! If I hadn't followed its advice, I probably would have finished this game a week ago. Luckily, I did find some YouTube Let's Plays and some tumblr posts that set me straight.

-Once I figured out how things worked I realized this game is a little too easy. As soon as you get a stun ability, you're basically unstoppable, even withweaker digimon on your team. If you manage to stun all 3 digimon on the enemy team, you automatically win. You don't even need to touch their HP! That's crazy and I've never seen a game do that before...felt like I was cheating.

-I thought it was a little weird how many dungeons in this game used baby or in training level digimon. Like I would expect that from the first dungeon but they were still showing up like mid-way through! Again, not much of a challenge.

-The variety of digimon was good and I liked the inclusion of fusion, but I wish fusion was a little more straightforward/predictable. Without any guide I was just gambling every time. The worst of it is that you have to raise your digimon from baby-level every time you fuse, which really held me back from progressing the game.

-Techniques were really confusing compared to the first game. Whereas in game 1 my digimon would gain new abilities constantly, it seemed like the only way digimon would gain abilities would be to fuse them and start from scratch. I would use the digivice to befriend powerful, mega-level digimon, but their abilities would be so trash that doing that was completely pointless. (I think you need to fuse digimon like 100+ times to get a decent mega which would take ages).

-The ending "puzzle" was just batshit. You have to defeat Millenniumon as Ryo and Ken using the same number of turns. Of course, the game doesn't tell you that at all. It just gives you a door with a number on it and goes "~oooh, what could it meeeean?~" Well, I wouldn't have figured out in a zillion years what it meant if it wasn't for a random post on tumblr. Walkthrough dude didn't figure it out because he thought it was something else that unlocked the door and a let's player I watched just seem to unlock it out of dumb luck (he defeated Millenniumon in 2 turns with Ryo and then Ken). My number was 10 by the way...this was before I was aware of the stun ability's OP-ness

-The game dramatically ends with Ken becoming the Digimon Emperor. I guess if you didn't see the anime that would be kinda a "wtf" downer ending. Wormmon tries to keep it positive by saying "I know he'll be good again someday!" It's definitely sequel bait (although I'm not sure exactly where the next game fits).

-I never really learned what some of the stats meant in this game. Defense is "PP" but I have no idea what that stands for. There's also "Y?" Which I think has something to do with a digimon's age?? I don't know why old games had to be like ";) we'll never tell" instead of just explaining things.

-This was a very relaxing game to play YouTube videos or music over, perfect for weeknights. It was very light on story, so I didn't need to pay much attention.

-I wish they did more with armor evolution. I kept buying/equipping armor but it never seemed to do much. Veemon was the only one I could really get to armor evolve via one of his attacks. Definitely missing something there...

I give this game a 7.5 out of 10. The lost points are for all of the confusion I endured lol.

#digimon adventure 02 tag tamers #video game #video games #gaming #games #digimon #wonderswan #digimon adventure 02

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multiplicity-positivity · 1 year

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hey uhhh being a system has kind of become very not a positive experience for me (cant . whatdoucallit. uhh. the thing where u un-system????? idk) and idk what to do. i need them as of now so i cant do anything.

i see a lot of people enjoying it like we used to and i dont know how to enjoy it at all . idk.

any advice?? its ok if not tho idrm

Hi! We’re so sorry you’re going through this. It’s okay to not like being plural, to wish you were a singlet, or to wish you could fuse!

Our biggest advice for you (and if sea was fronting, Kip would agree) is probably to bring this up in therapy. If you aren’t already seeing a therapist, now may be a good time to try and find one! A therapist can help you make plans and reach your goals. They may be able to help you work with your system and either find joy in plurality again or actually work towards fusion. Even if this therapist is not a specialist in trauma or dissociative disorders, they may still be able to help you work through discord and inner turmoil and help you reach an understanding with your system.

Until then, here’s some things you can do that may help.

1) Journal. Write down your negative feelings. Vent, go into detail about your struggles, voice on paper your concerns and difficulties. Sometimes just getting it out there can help you feel a bit better and process what’s going on!

2) Don’t give up on your system. We know how tempting it might be to want to turn your back on them, to try and close yourself off from them and forget about them. However, we can assure you that this will NOT help, and will likely make things worse for you and your system. Please continue to try and communicate with kindness, even if it’s hard. Tell your system how you feel, and ask how they feel. Y’all might be dealing with similar struggles and maybe can help each other through this rough patch!

3) Remember nothing lasts forever. The feelings you have about your system now may not always remain this way. If you truly are interested in fusion, there’s no need to believe you will always remain plural. Things change, attitudes change, circumstances change, and systems change! Just because things are hard right now doesn’t mean it will always be this way.

4) Step back from plural spaces. We know this probably sounds weird coming from a plural positivity blog! But if your plurality is becoming a hindrance or causing you harm, you may feel worse by existing in plural spaces and seeing all sorts of systems who love being plural and lean into their multiplicity. It may be a good idea to unfollow those plural blogs, leave those discords servers, and not frequent those plural websites for a while. Give yourself and your system some time and space away from the plural community to think and just be with yourself as you are. It may help refresh you and your whole system, and y’all may grow closer as a result!

Hopefully these things can help you and your system understand each other a little better and push towards a future of peace and fulfillment! Don’t hesitate to reach out if you have any further questions or if there’s anything we can do to help. We’re wishing you the very best!

🌸 Margo and 💫 Parker

#long post

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nukenai · 8 months

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I've been thinking about my Trauma Shit lately so I'm just going to make a list of little things I do to help, day-to-day, with coping, and with the fear of repeat trauma. I don't know if these things will help anyone because of the specific things that happened to me, but maybe they'll give someone ideas. At the very least, I'm just venting about it.

I'll be discussing my trauma so warning for animal and human death if that's something you don't want to engage with.

Last year in February, I found my grandmother deceased in her bed on a Friday morning. I'd been living with her for 13 years for reference. It was an extremely awful thing, understandably! I had to call 911 and perform CPR (obviously to no avail). My sister has a literal job in crisis management so when I called her she was able to keep me pretty calm.

When my roommate moved in in July, he would sometimes wake up sort of late for work, which isn't a big deal for his job, but it would absolutely trigger my "someone is dead because they're not waking up" trauma. I told him about this, he agreed that if he's running late or hasn't come out of his room (he's often actually awake but still in bed), he would text me and let me know that he's awake, just running a little late for xyz reason. This has gotten much better so I don't always need it, but he still does it really often, and it's so appreciated.

In September, my brand new puppy Zero choked to death. tl;dr, I have my puppy Sammie now, and there's a lot of fear that the same thing will happen. He has real Puppy Brain about putting things in his mouth, and actually choked pretty bad on his food once, AND put something in his mouth outside a few weeks ago, then took off running with it and choked in the exact manner that Zero did. He was able to cough it out, probably because he's older than Zero was.

When my friend dogsat him for me, she said she put water in his food for her own peace of mind (because she obviously also knew what happened). I do this now. It helps him get more water too so he's not always chugging from his fountain.

I bought him a totally enclosed, soft mesh muzzle to wear outside. I used to take him out just on the leash, but I have a big fenced yard and he has tons of energy and wants to RUN. So with the muzzle, he can't get anything in his mouth, but can still explore and run around like he wants. It's been perfect even if he's frustrated and hates me for it lol. He's getting good with the "leave it" command inside, but outside, his brain turns off because there's too much to sniff.

The place Zero died was the kitchen, which was "luckily" a common area to walk through. I started cooking more and for the first few weeks, cleaned the spot on the floor where he died (there was blood) just to remind myself, it's not happening. The kitchen is a good place and this is just part of it.

Driving his body to the emergency vet at 2 in the morning, I put on music, but was afraid I would get negative associations. I only remember one song that played (Heartlines by Florence & the Machine) and it still makes me feel a bit awful. So whenever it comes on, I make sure to listen to it, especially if I'm out playing with Sammie. It reminds me that it's just a song, one I like quite a lot, and nothing bad is happening just because it's playing.

There's lots I can't do anything about, like seeing Samoyed puppies online, or people making "choked to death" jokes to refer to laughing hard (even I kind of try to do this to desensitize myself). Choking and CPR are still severe triggers for me. Every time Sammie coughs my world stops.

But I do what I can, I control the things I can control and change little things to adjust associations and reassure my brain that things are okay.

One random note. When Zero first died and I would tell people, so many people shared stories of tragically losing animals. Even very young animals. It's a horrible thing to happen and this sounds weird to say, but it was so deeply comforting, because when something like that happens to you, you feel like you're the only person in the world who could've fucked up so bad. Some of these losses were someone's "fault" (as in, they did something that led to an animal's death), and some weren't. But that doesn't matter because none of it was done on purpose.

My friends Kasey and Cindy lost their dog when she out of nowhere climbed their fence, something she'd never done before, and ran into the road and got hit. The woman who gave me Sammie had a friend who tripped on her brand her puppy and killed it. Her husband's horse dropped dead randomly in the yard when they ran to Tractor Supply for 20 minutes. My friend Jasmine from the old farm left her 11 week old puppy in the viewing room, and he got into the garbage, got his head stuck in a chip bag, and suffocated. The home for a puppy from a previous litter from Zero's breeder had a freak accident where their dog was 9 months old. She was on the leash and something scared her, and she jumped in the air, then hit the ground and her heart stopped. The woman who was supposed to take Sammie had her horse colic and die THAT MORNING, a DAY after Zero died.

Just absolute freak things. Even if they were someone's "fault", and they'll feel guilty for the rest of time (like I will), they weren't done on purpose. Everyone mentioned here meant the best for their animals and would never mean for this to happen. Of course not.

I talked for a good hour with the woman who gave me Sammie (he'd been bred by a friend of hers). We both had stories. When I told her what happened with Zero, she immediately told me so many times, "It's not your fault, honey. You didn't do it, it was a freak accident", and when I worried about the optics of getting a new puppy right away, "You can't worry about other people. You have to do what's right for you." When she handed me Sammie for the first time, she said "He already loves you!" because he was wiggling in my arms and licking my chin. He was just a bundle of joy that lifted my heart out of the depths.

Getting another dog was a challenge for my trauma, because what if it happened again? What if SOMETHING happened again? But it's all worth it. Because it hasn't. I'm working through it. It won't.

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shadow-laviko · 3 months

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Like... I also didn't celebrate my birthday with friends for well over ten years (now that I think about it... I remember celebrating my birthday with friends TWICE... And I'll be TWENTY TWO this year... So, I had kinda given up trying to celebrate it for years, but I've been trying again to gather friends for my birthdays for the past two years (this year will be three), and nobody can make it?? Like, I've been asking in AUGUST for late October, and people say "It'S tOo EaRlY tO kNoW", but I still get no answer even when the date gets close?? Even when reminding them?? And when there's like one week or two remaining, then everyone tells me JUST THEN that they won't be able to make it for my birthday?? I- I just want to abandon the idea of celebrating my birthday again... Heck, I'm not even asking for much, no need to bring food, drinks, gifts or costumes, just yourselves... Heck, even that is not necessary required as I offer to TAKE THEM HOME MYSELF?????? Like, what the fuck can I do more for you to come?? So like, (do not worry, I won't DO anything stupid, I'm just SAYING stupid things) I just feel like I could die and nobody would care except for my parents And, sure, you'll say "Oh but your friends will be sad"... Well, I want you to look at me RIGHT IN THE EYES and say that to me again, even after all I've just said. Are you sure they will be sad that I, ME, MYSELF, died, or would they be sad that a HUMAN died? No, because, seriously. When you learn someone you don't know died, you'll probably feel sad. But you'll feel fucking awful if it was someone you know and cared about deeply. So now, I want you to tell me- keep looking at me in, the eyes. And tell me. Would they be SAD or feelAWFUL that I died? Because I'm pretty sure they would be SAD that another HUMAN being has died. Not feel like SHIT because ME died. And, like The worse I feel, the more I understand- I said UNDERSTAND, not CONDONE... I UNDERSTAND that people end up being bitter little shits who just bully other people for no reasons. Because- of course it's BAD, don't make me say otherwise. And I would NOT do it. But sometimes, you end up feeling so much like shit, and feeling like NO ONE cares, so you just genuinely want to hurt other people's feelings, because you want others to feel what you feel, you want them to understand you, to be more kind towards you, to try better to care about others... You also feel jealous... And you also like "Fuck it, I'm already into hell right now, might as well bring someone down with me" And it also gives you the attention you so much crave. It's not for a good reason, but it's attention nonetheless. Even if it's for the wrong reasons, for a moment, it makes you feel like people care about you. Even if for wrong reasons... It's obviously not good nor right And bullying is fucking wrong and never fucking justified But I can understand why people might resort to it Because sometimes it just feels like it's the only last thing you can do Not adding tags nor shit once again, because 1, I just wanted to rent and vent, not necessarily to say it to someone And 2 because, well, I don't really want negative attention At least not too much PS: If you're a person I dm ofetn (there's only two of you, so, you'll recognise yourselves if you read this) I genuinely like you and want to be your friend, but I just have no idea how Maybe you don't But, then, please tell me directly "Hey, I don't think we won't ever be able to be friends. I like you, but that's about it" And I will understand I won't be mad or sad... Well, maybe a bit sad, but, I understand. Not everyone wants to be friends with everyone. And that's perfectly okay! But yeah If I dm you often, I just like you and want to be friends but have no idea how and I'm awkward about it I guess If you've read that far, you get a cookie Or uh, well, an ask I guess We're on Tumblr, people like asks (right...?) Part 1

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organized-chaotic-disaster · 11 months

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TW self harm, suicide/suicidal ideation

venting

I've been relapsing with self harm recently. But I feel like I can't tell anyone (if one of my friends reads this I'm sorry)

I'm like, I should probably talk to my counsellor about this. Because it's more than the usual one-off. But I don't want to be sent to the hospital or something bc I'm a "danger to myself"

Even tho it's really not that bad. It really isn't. I've hardly gone very deep at all. It barely even counts. And whenever I'm done I look at myself and I think, you should've done more, that was barely anything, you deserve more, but I can't bring myself to, and I know I probably should stop. But the thing that matters is the intent and emotions behind it, I know. So that's still there. Even if I feel like it doesn't really count. It feels so stupid though. bc this is a stupid thing I shouldn't be doing anymore. Fuck, it feels cringey. I'm nearing 30. Only teenagers self harm. I shouldn't be doing this. I should be over it by now. Why am I doing it?

(Not to imply that teenagers are stupid, idk how to explain it but it feels kind of like. When you look at yourself from a few months or a few years ago and you cringe bc you've changed so much and have totally different opinions and stuff and wonder, god how was I like that? It's like that)

And I obviously can't tell my parents, and I don't wanna talk to my sister about it because it seems like too much. And I'm worried that any of them (parents and sister) would potentially try to get me in the hospital

And I don't wanna talk to my friends about it bc I. I feel like. Like a negative influence in their lives rn. bc I've been sick. For just about 2 weeks now. And I can't say I'm 100% better bc I still have a little phlegm. And idk I'm probably not contagious anymore but I don't wanna risk it bc of stuff I can't say publicly bc that's their business. But basically I really really don't want to get them sick, I can't. So unless I'm absolutely positively 100% certain that I'm not sick anymore I can't see them. But we had plans. And they kept having to get delayed. And that stressed me out. So much. Because they're waiting on me. And I told them to do it without me but they insisted they'd wait. And I feel shitty for making that happen bc I have a bitch of a cold that just won't fully go away

And I'm stressed about school. I'll definitely need to take this class again if I wanna do honours like I'm thinking of doing. But I'm also starting to wonder if I should even do this shit? Have I been wasting my time? Can I do this shit? I don't know anymore. It feels like it's out of my reach to do this

So I'm taking this class and hardly passing it which has been extremely stressful, dealing with a group project for another class that has been a nightmare and I've been stressed about that and I wish I could've taken the reins and taken initiative on more than I did this semester but I'm just so tired. Of always having to do that. Of always being the one putting in the most care and effort into my group projects. I'm so tired. In general. And I just couldn't do it this time. But now bc I got sick I've been paranoid that it looks like I've been slacking now!! So I'm putting in more effort to make sure my groupmates know that I'm not, to make sure they know I'm contributing, bc there's a peer review aspect to this project and I don't want them to think I'm a lazy asshole bc I couldn't go to the one class shit was probably finally getting organized, I had to sit on the sidelines. And I feel like most of the work I've done for this project has been useless and that's making me even more paranoid

And the stress of all of this. Of thinking I should probably tell someone about the relapsing but feeling like I can't. And about this class I'm gonna have to retake. And this group project. And wondering if I should even be going down the path I'm trying to go down academically and professionally and maybe I should just stay at my current job for the rest of my life even though I hate the working conditions and the workplace culture there. And being stressed ABOUT being sick bc I feel like I'm letting everyone down. And now having to cram a fuckton of schoolwork that I was planning to do over the course of a couple weeks into a few days bc I had multiple days where I did literally nothing in the hopes that resting would help me get over this quicker so I could stop letting everyone down. All of this stress. Is making me even more stressed and frustrated bc I think it's contributing to me STAYING sick. But I can't just make it all go away. I need to do this hw. I'm not ready to talk about the self harm stuff bc I'm scared I'll end up in the hospital and the trajectory I'm on will all go to waste bc I'll lose however much time bc it turns out I'm quite mentally ill actually and need to deal with that before living my goddamn life and making a career for myself. The cold isn't going away and every day it's still there just adds to the stress. I can't do it. I can't

I'm almost tempted to do something really bad that I can't take back. I'm holding out for the good things I know are coming. The Fools Gold kickstarter rewards hopefully shipping out this january. A concert with my friends in february. A concert with my sister december next year. Fuck, idk, Dan and Phil bringing the gaming channel back and doing Dan vs. Phil S2, it's stupid but it can keep me going. But idk if I can hold out for much else rn besides the people I love, even though I don't feel like I'm worth it rn

I feel like a piece of shit and I'm stressed out about so many things that feel like they shouldn't matter but still stress me out

#personal #ask to tag #tw self harm #tw suicide #tw suicidal ideation #this is tumblr I s2g if they see these tags and give me shit for it for not censoring I'm gonna scream #bc guess what? censoring these words will make it harder for people to blacklist them!!!! so let me use them for fuck's sake

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trashbaget · 2 years

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#wrote a fucking poem #because a bitch is fucking feeling things #cue venting in the tags because this is where i'm feeling comfortable to do it right now #a while back i caught the love bug for a friend and tbFCKNh it was the very second time i'd ever actually fallen In Love with someone and..#the first time it didn't end well. long story short: i asked him out and he turned me down but we stayed friends and it actually made us..#grow closer regardless. a little while later i'd realized my feelings were Different and it just came out one night when we were having a..#really deep conversation. and i'm glad i told him because it helped me get over him and we got better and things weren't weird at all. we..#stayed really good fucking friends. now i didn't get to see him for a summer and i definitely don't have feelings for him anymore and i'm..#sincerely happy for him and his now partner. i consider him (and always have) my best friend. (among others but he's definitely Up There..#like no. 2 probably) but way too soon after Talking was summer and we were both farthest from everybody and are both the kind of ppl who..#pretty much don't text anyone except like 2 ppl and we are not one of each's 2. today i got to see him and a bunch of our friends for the..#first time since fucking april and god have i missed them all. but seeing him again kinda fucked me up a second. threw me for a massive loop #i got Weird (neg) and i was NERVOUS as HELL at the start and for a few minutes i couldn't figure out what it even WAS because i hadn't felt.#that way in a long time. and i am not about to catch those feelings for him again because No. i chilled out after like 3 minutes bc i got..#reacclimated to being around ppl My Damn Age again and things weren't Weird (neg) anymore. we talked we joked we sincerely said our I Miss..#Yous and we hung out. with everyone and alone for a bit because ppl had gone out and come back and it was FINE it was NORMAL () and we..#were GOOD. we ARE good. and i don't love him in that way anymore. i love him as a friend. and that love is definitely more intense than with #other friends because we have a deeper bond and yes because i Loved him. but the fact is i don't and it's ANNOYING to react like i still do.#and getting nervous like i still do. and i kept worrying that something i'd do might make it seem like i do and i don't and just UGH having.#feelings is annoying. i've never been able to stay friends with someone after having feelings for them at all let alone INTENSE IN LOVE FEEL #INGS!! like wtf!!! and this is sincerely one of the best friendships i've ever had and i don't want to and Won't. lose him especially for..#this but god DAMN am i not having it right now. and my head's been spinning like a fucking tornado in the 5min ride home and i accidentally.#wrote it out in a poem because the words wouldn't go anywhere when i just tried to brain dump about it because Of Course They Did. because i #can't think about this man in anyway except poetically and i can't write a poem unless it's about love in some degree and just UGH love is #and i'm gonna leave it there because i'm running risk of repeatin myself.#if you read all this i positively adore you and also you need to touch some grass bc reading the vents of internet dwellers is for suckers #i am just kidding i really do sincerely appreciate you and love you very very much thank you for caring #please ignore the following organizational tags:#writing #poetry

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cl1v9zfsfo1 · 4 years

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Some personal recs for those finishing/liking OMORI so far

After 6 years, this game made it to the top in less than a week....

Lately, RPG Maker games have been somewhat staying in the shadows. And as a (horror) RPG Maker sucker, even though I suck at giving advice, I’d love to spread the word about some other similar projects. To either save you or throw you into a eternal cycle of despair.

So here you have... The Incredible Low Budget “You May Also Like...” Viddygame List For OMOREE Fans (For Free!11)

(TW thread ver including personal thoughts on some of them) (For RPG Maker fans, have this huge list kofy and I made with links and CWs listed! Still a big WIP but we update it regularly!)

Before playing the games, remember to read tags carefully.

Personal note: Exceptions noted, most of these games are free and made by only one dev, or no money has been previously invested in them. They’re not huge projects like OMORI was... But please don't think of them as poorly made! There’s always a ton of love and effort involved in each project.

Now, without further ado... Here we go!✨ (Added a few tags regarding abuse and mental health, TY /melohax!)

1. END ROLL

Tags: death, blood, family abuse, murder, eye horror, animal death, suicide, drug mention, implied sexual abuse (+ one optional/hidden map implying child abuse). Battle system, no jumpscares but sudden horror-ish scenario changes including low/saturated sound effects.

Gameplay is ~10 hours, so it is kinda long for a game of the sort. It follows Russell’s dreams in a sort of... program, yes. Great narrative and very horror-driven. It has lots of things to explore and many sode quest you can do to unlock endings and info. It is filled with overall negative vibes and messages and touches some heavy topics. If OMORI unsettled you, consider skipping this one.

In terms of narrative, I think it's the closest to OMORI.

2. Hello Charlotte series

Tags: eye/body horror horror, mild graphic gore, religious themes, in-screen bullying, death and suicide, parental and personal difficulties. No jumpscares, optional battle system. For people with psychosis/schizophrenia, this game can be really overwhelming. Please take care and check/ask for more info before playing it! (TY @/melohax for addressing this!)

Series of 4 games + spin-off VN. Gameplay of about 3 hours/each. As I always say: Before dropping it, wait for EP 2 and on. It’ll be a big ride. Very interesting imagery. May be be graphic at times, but it puts some (very) relatable thoughts into words really well.

Not that close to OMORI but I fans can really enjoy it if focusing on its psychological themes.

3. Life Tastes Like Cardboard

Tags: loud noises, derealization, strong depictions of depression and discussion on negative feelings.

Definitely a vent/personal game. You just follow the main character’s mind and body, thoughts and experiences. It is VERY visual, and plays with colors, sarcasm, size changes in maps and strong colors to strongly depict a feeling of overbearing pain and loneliness. Many people (me included) said this game is really overwhelming, which is probably the main intention of the game itself... Play carefully it if you usually empathize with this kind of content. Even so, for those willing to explore sad feelings through art, this game is a really good option.

4. Witch’s Heart

Tags: blood, murder, death, family abuse, and mild eye/body horror. Battles (no leveling, just kicking monsters here and there), no jumpscares, puzzles.

Two games of about 15 hours/each and ongoing conclusions for each route. The storytelling is closer to a book or VN. Lots of mistery and text, small pieces of information, and the kind of game you’ll definitely regret to play twice just to find everything makes sense and you didn’t even notice at first. You have to play the game through many routes to piece the story together.

It honestly has little to do with any OMORI vibes. However, if you’re a fan of character analysis and drama, this one will be one of your best choices, probably.

5. Farethere City

Tags include blood and death.

Gameplay of about 3 hours. A previous work from the same author as END ROLL (am i this biased). Much brighter themes. Some fans find it dull- the gameplay is much shorter than some of the games above. The worldbuilding is sad and cute, and easy to understand too.

6. Re:Kinder

Tags include death, family abuse, depression, mild gore/grotesque imagery, suicide. Battle system (no lvling), no jumpscares.

Gameplay of around 3 hours. Suggesting this one is a kind of... Russian roulette. You either understand and love it, or find it gross and nonsensical. It’s a remake of a 2003 game called “a cry of help” by some fans, since the author passed away shorty after posting it. I think it’s important to have the release date in mind to be warned about some stuff that can come off as disrespectful sometimes.

Very naive artstyle, has plenty of crude jokes and nonsensical scenes. The plot doesn't drastically unfold until you clear half of the game. In my opinion, the strongest point is definitely the way children are sensitive about depression, and the way they deal with it.

7. Mouth Sweet

Tags include loud & saturated noises, violence, laboral abuse, in-screen animal abuse (just once towards the end), attempts of identity erasure (trans ppl, check website warnings just in case), mentions of suicide attempts. Battle system, you'll have to shoot at random "enemies" frecuently.

Gameplay of about 2 hours. Really blunt. Can get really stressing, but fairly sure that’s the feeling the author was trying to convey.

Even as eerie as it tries to be delivered itself, it feels real, and it hurts a little. Has a strong message to tell about overwhelming toxic enviroments.

8. Fantasy Maiden’s Odd Hideout

Tags: blood and death. No battle system, chases, no jumpscares.

Gameplay of around 5 hours. Has to be played twice to get the whole story (usually worth it).

Not very close to OMORI, has some pacing issues, but the quick things escalate once you connect the dots makes up for it, and vaguely resembles the game. From the same author as Chloe’s Requiem (tw for implied child abuse in this one) (starring: a piano and a violin, for those looking for The Content)

9. LISA series

Tags (severe, btw): body horror, sexual abuse, mutilation, violence, blood, grotesque imagery, family abuse, drug use, constant swearing. Battle system, no jumpscares.

Three games, maybe of about 5 hours/each (first installment, LISA: The First is shorter than that). Started as a sort of Yume Nikki fangame and ended being its own genre. Even for local RPG Maker fans, it can be a VERY hard to swallow pill. The gameplay can get a bit extreme- you’re forced to make difficult choices all the time, even sacrificing body parts, and it can affect your stats quite too much.

If you’re into OMORI for the anime-ish style, this one won’t be your cup of tea... maybe?

10. Tomorrow Will be Dying

youtube

An interactive VN on progress. The Kickstarter was successfully funded on March and it’s aiming for release in 2022. Made by a caring, lovely, small team, the project looks AMAZING so far.

Apparently not horror-driven but talks about friends, youth, living your own... A very promising game, just like OMORI back then.

11. Pocket Mirror

Tags: blood. No battle system, chases, no jumpscares but follows the classic horror RPG criteria (kinda).

Gameplay of about 5 hours. Lots of symbolism and imagery to tell the journey of a girl finding about herself when no one did. Not a huge blow like OMORI, and you will need to read some theories to fully connect all the dots and small details, but I’d say it can suit your tastes too, somehow.

Unlike many other RPGs, it has some animated sections AND voice acting!! That rocks too.

Other titles ‘cause otherwise I won’t end this post in years:

- Jimmy and the Pulsating Mass (Gameplay is +40 hours, tags include gore, death, kinda grotesque imagery. The battle system is a bit meh but the dialogues and story are amazing) - Lobotomy Corporation (NOT a RPG but a management simulator. Tags include BODY HORROR, death. It’s a game about... uhh... making OCs and... taking care of things called Abormalities... but there’s a lot of lore to unfold...?? More popular sequel is Library of Ruina) - To the Moon (relies A LOT on narrative, tags include death and crying like crazy) - Rule of Rose (NOT a RPG; for PS2, rated +18 for many troubled themes inclusing animal death, bullying and heavy implied child abuse)

And that’s all...?? I’m sorry for making such a long post 🙏🏿💦 Some people found it useful, so I tried to add a few more here for any OMORI Tumblr fans looking for more fun (haha..! y..yeah;;;,..; f..fun..,;!!111) If you need any details or something is troubling you... Here I am!!

Thank you for reading! Have fun and take care!

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alchemania · 3 years

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Barbara, and Bennett: Toxic Positivity (and how they each exude it)

While it's easy to spot negative toxic behavior, toxic positivity can be harder to recognize and pin down. In this blog, I am going to analyze 2 characters in Genshin and explain just how they show traits of toxic positivity. (I originally was going to include Jean, but I already covered her in an earlier blog so it'd just be redundant)

Barbara Page

Barbara is all smiles and sunshine, trying her best to ensure that everyone is happy. However; she does this to an unhealthy degree and often does not prioritize her emotional wellbeing.

#1: Forcing herself to always be happy.

Barbara's story lines state that she "only allows herself to be depressed for 30 seconds" and that after that, she basically puts on a smile; regardless of what she's actually feeling. She often talks about how good everyone is to her, and I honestly believe that Barbara invalidates her own depression because in her eyes; she has a good life and there's no "reason" for her to be sad, plus if she was sad then everyone else would feel down. She hasn't experienced anything traumatic, so how can she have the right to be depressed? But the thing is, she has: her parents divorced when she was young; and Barbara grew up apart from Jean, leading to a lack of a relationship between the two. While the divorce, based on Jean's story lines, did not seem to have a lot of negativity around it (from what I can tell Simon and Frederica actually split on amiable terms, they just fell out of love with each other), it still affected Barbara in a negative way and no doubt she is hurting from it but she's not acknowledging her pain. All trauma is not the same, this is true. But all trauma IS valid; just because someone is hurting less doesn't mean they're NOT hurting and Barbara needs to understand that her pain is valid and give herself time to process it.

#2: Lack of emotional boundaries

If there's anything that Jean and Barbara have in common besides both being healers, it's that they're absolutely terrible at saying no. In Barbara's hangout, she feels guilty for avoiding Albert and wanting to be left alone despite being emotionally exhausted and even wants to apologise, despite doing nothing wrong. Later on when her fans ask for autographs; she agrees, despite being off the clock and trying to take a break: Aether has to step in personally to get people to go away, and not only that; he has to lie through his teeth in order to do so. If you tell the NPCs the truth ("Barbara is currently on leave, please don't disturb her",) they'll reply "Oh she's on leave? Perfect time to ask for an autograph!" They don't care about her feelings; all they care about is what she can do for them and the worst part is that Barbara lets them treat her like this. It's so bad that the Knights have to constantly step in and rescue her because folks can't get it in their heads that off the clock =/= available; and Barbara feels like if she can help other people that she needs to; to the detriment of her own needs. She seems to think it's selfish to put herself first; but looking out for yourself emotionally is anything but. It's okay to say no, it's okay to tell people you're not available. Just because you're free doesn't mean you're up to engage and there's nothing wrong with that. But like Sister Victoria says herself; Barbara is too nice. She gives and gives and gives and expects nothing in return, and people take advantage of that.

#3: Undermining herself through constant praise of others

In her hangout, she tells you that besides singing and healing, she doesn't have anything worthwhile about her, and then goes on about how amazing you are, Jean as well. Barbara doesn't acknowledge her positive traits, and then when she vents to you she apologizes for doing so, since you were supposed to be hanging out and having fun. She puts a lot of her worth in comparison to what other people can DO, and not actual character. Barbara is a lovely person: she's sweet and kind and loving, but because she doesn't see herself as physically strong or powerful, she doesn't think she's worth a lot.

Bennett

My GOD, Bennett is like the EPITOME of toxic positivity.

1. Allows others to mistreat him and take out their feelings on him because he feels it's his fault they're suffering (essentially, a martyr complex)

Bennett's hangout is a prime example of this where when Royce got angry, Bennett simply let him yell until you step in. Due to his almost perpetual bad luck, he feels that he's responsible for the misfortune of the people around him and since he can't physically do anything about it, he attempts to "atone" by letting himself be emotionally assaulted.

He also puts himself in physical danger to keep other people safe (he figures since he's already unlucky, might as well suffer a little more if it means everybody else is okay, right?), and accepts abandonment as the norm since he's a liability. Bennett does not value his wellbeing whatsoever due to constantly being in danger and he seems to be of the mentality "If I'm going to die, at least let me die protecting everybody" and that immensely upsets me that a KID, who's probably no older than 17, is already considering his mortality.

#2: Not allowing himself to process negative emotion

Just like Barbara, Bennett constantly forces himself to always keep a smile on, only in his case it's more to keep himself from getting overwhelmed about his situation. It's heavily implied in his story that Bennett is afraid that he could die any day (and I don't blame him) and so he lives hard and fast because he feels he doesn't have a lot of time. He's cheated death MULTIPLE times (he almost died as a baby, and he almost died prior to receiving his Vision), and Bennett more than likely feels that one day, he's not going to get lucky enough to escape again; and he'll actually die. His life is an entire string of misfortune and unlike Barbara and her parents divorce, Bennett is aware of this trauma: he simply chooses to take it in stride and forces himself to stay upbeat. Which is just as bad as letting negative emotion completely overwhelm him, it's literally just the other ditch.

Bennett also seems very sad about the fact that his team abandoned him but he doesn't let himself process that either (if you respond angrily to the revelation that his teammates left he'll jump to defend them and insist "they had their reasons"- and that may be true, but that doesn't invalidate the trauma and sadness of being left behind because of something you literally cannot control). Similar to Diluc, Bennett is sort of an Atlas of his own right, but instead of carrying all of Mondstat on his shoulders he's shouldering his emotional wellbeing: he refuses to vent to anyone and bottles everything up because he doesn't want to be a burden; but in doing so he's only hurting himself in the long run.

(Thank God for Razor though it seems like he might be hanging around for the long haul and that makes me immensely happy. I could cry. Please don't let anything bad happen to him and Bennett they deserve friendship)

I'm going to go off the beaten path a bit here but, to all you guys reading this; please remember that:

1. Your trauma is valid, regardless of how "lesser" you think it might be.

2. You are not obligated to give yourself emotionally to other people if you are not up to it. You cannot give what you do not have, and if you're not 100% emotionally wise, you really shouldn't be taking on any more negative energy. It's not selfish to take care of yourself. If people can't respect that then they're not worth your time. Set emotional boundaries and don't budge for anyone. The people who are meant to stay will honor your boundaries.

3. It's okay to be sad! And it's okay to be sad and have no idea why. It doesn't matter if you have a 'good life,' depression doesn't care who you are or where you are on your walk of life and sometimes it hits like a truck. Your sadness is valid and don't be afraid to take the time you need to acknowledge and process your negative emotions.

Please take care of yourselves, friends; and be safe.

Have a good day. 💗

#bennett #barbara page #did i get a little choked up writing this? YES. yes i did.#seriously guys you don't have to be a shoulder all the time.. it's okay to lean on other people. ok?#genshin impact

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exoluxionlove · 3 years

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EXO-L JPN Planet #14: Chanyeol's Emotional Book

👤: Say something happy that happened recently! 🍒: I had a jam session with Raiden-Hyung recently, he complimented me and I was super happy. To me, his (Raiden) existence is like a teacher, he complimented me and said "you improved from previously", I'm just so happy.

👤: Have you quarreled with members before? 🍒: Not at all, it'll be on a level of simply being questioned, wanna fight? Everyone is tolerating and accepting of each other, or when you're together for too long, there's nothing to quarrel about (laughs). But during trainee days, leader (Suho) will get angry at me occasionally (laughs). At that time, I was more of the playful (refuse to listen) type, leader is more of the role model type, so he will often remind me. Although I didn't use to understand why he did that in the past, I'm very grateful towards him now.

👤: When doing activities with EXO, a moment you felt joy? 🍒: When together with members, I'm always very happy. Moments like when we sing on stage together, laughing together in the waiting room.... We all know each other very well, we aren't nervous around each other, it's comfortable and relaxing.

👤: Something scary recently? 🍒: Cockroach! It's really so scary. Although nothing traumatic happened, I don't know why I'm just scared. Speaking of which, there was once I just got out of the shower and saw a huge roach, I had a battle with it. We had a standstill for 10 mins, I didn't have insecticides so I used detergent, I guess I sprayed only about 200 times ~ When I came back to my senses, half a bottle was gone (laughs)

👤: When angry, will you silently sulk alone or express it? 🍒: I will quietly allow my emotions to cool off. I won't vent my frustrations to others, I'll just adjust my emotions myself, but when I'm mad, I can't hide it off my face (laughs). The one who made me mad didn't do it on purpose, they might also have their own reasons too. I'll do this to calm down. Besides, I'm not a super sensitive person, I'll forget it after a while ~

👤: Emotion that's hardest to express? 🍒: Happiness. Sadness, fear, shock can be created with specific images in your mind, but when it comes to happiness, it's tough. If it's not happiness from within, "joyfulness" can't be expressed. It's easy to just smile but having to express happiness from within is very difficult.

👤: How do you cope/resolve sadness? 🍒: When sad, I'll record down the emotions that was greatest at that time. This kind of emotion to me is like a treasure. I'll record it down on my phone memo or play the guitar. Rather than saying "resolve/cope", why not say letting my emotions change into something else and save it. When in thought process/concentrating, the feeling of sadness will naturally go off.

👤: If you were to express the feelings in your heart everyday on a scale of 100%? 🍒: I live my life with 100% happiness. I don't really have much negative thoughts. And if there are signs of negativity, I'll "switch myself off", closing off the negative thoughts - I wish to live my life positively.

👤: What is the happiest memory you had with the members? 🍒: The memory of going overseas with everyone, having fun while working, drinking and eating delicious food is what I remember the most. Especially, during the reality show "Travel the World on EXO's Ladder" was the happiest time for me. It was fun during the shoot, but even during off-camera we played games at the hotel, we also went to the pool... The feeling of having to go there just like hanging out with friends was very fun. At that time I feel like staying there as it is for 1-2 months. Eating delicious food together while watching the sunset... I remember every single detail of those memories.

👤: You're known as happy virus, what do you do to stay happy? 🍒: It's similar to the question about my motto. Even if something happens that drives me to edge I'll still try my best to enjoy/have fun. Not just for myself, but I also wish to infect the ones around me through optimism. Sometimes when I wanna hype up the atmosphere, I might go a little overboard, but if this makes others happy, it's a joyful thing to me too.By making others happy, I'll be rewarded too.

👤: Is there a situation/time you thought: I absolutely can't lose in this? 🍒: My thinking has changed slightly recently, I'll be 30 in a few years, my mentality has changed from the past too. I used to think 'whatever I do, I do not wanna lose, I have to be first'. Now, I just think, as long as I'm happy, that's what matters! I guess it can be said that my mentality has relaxed, I no longer go head on/do the unnecessary (just to be first), you can't refuse to admit defeat on everything.

👤: Up until now, the time you cried the hardest? 🍒: During elementary or middle school, a dog we raised at home passed on. It was a Dobermann, it had only been with me for 2 years but it was closest to me at home. An accident occurred later on and it was being treated at the vet for over a month, did a few surgeries but ultimately, it lost the battle. Finally one day after I ended class, came home and learned that it was gone, that was probably the hardest I cried in my life. Although it's something that happened when I was young.

👤: You once said your motto was "Let's enjoy!", can you tell us the reason how it came about? 🍒: I love this saying, "A genius can't win a hardworking person, a hardworking person can't win a person who enjoys the moment". If you don't think/dwell about how tough it is to do something, and carry a mentality of enjoying it while doing it, it might result in a happy ending. Even if the results are unsatisfactory, the process is still happy. So when approaching everything, (I) carry the mindset of enjoying it and do it.

👤: Something you find cute recently? 🍒: The little puppy I'm raising now, she's too cute, it's like I'm raising a newborn/little baby, I pour my whole into raising her [even if I do not get a sound sleep/sleep properly, I have to get up and look at her] I keep thinking about how she is/situation (laughs)

Translation 1 2

#Chanyeol #Exo #Exo-L Japan #Exo K

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ohwereusingourmadeupnames · 3 years

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Let Me Get Close To You

Pairing: Peter Parker/Tony Stark Rating: Explicit (E) Notes: This is my fic for my @starkerfestivals summer BINGO “wrong number” square. I sat down to write this a couple of days ago & just couldn’t stop - I hope you guys enjoy the cute little verse I created (that I’ll more than likely revisit soon!!). Here’s my bingo card - if you see something on there you might want written, shoot me a message!!! Word Count: 7K Warnings: There’s a tiny bit of smut in here, but it’s me writing, so when is that not the case? Summary:

Stuck with the worst professor for Nuclear Science, Peter tries to vent his frustrations to Ned - only to send a desperate text message to Tony Stark, instead. When an immediate spark and so many things in common make it easy for Peter to fall further for the elegant genius, what’s the worst that could really happen?

Or: the one where Peter texts the wrong number & romance ensues.

Read on AO3 here.

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Fuming from a frustrating Nuclear Science class, Peter maturely stomped his way out of the engineering building. They were only two weeks into the semester and the old man already had Peter on edge. His major revolved around the class and his ability to get the most out of the information. The dinosaur that stood at the front of the lecture hall every day hadn’t had an original thought since the 90s and refused to see when others did. Much like every old white man, Dr. Milner’s ideas were the be all end all of a science that changed by the millisecond.

Still pretty new to campus after a late sophomore year transfer, Peter didn’t have many people to turn to that weren’t his nerdy and standoffish teammates on the Academic Decathlon team – most of those guys lived in a world a couple steps from the norm, happily keeping to themselves. Though Peter existed there eighty percent of the time, his need to be social and fill a space in the real world made it impossible to commit to that sort of isolation fully. Straddling the line made it difficult to exist on either side – Peter’s favorite pieces of himself were what kept people away, no matter the lifestyle.

With his mind so heavy with all sorts of negativity, Peter suddenly found himself homesick; he spent so much of his life trying to escape the streets of New York – so far from home now, Peter missed them desperately. Thinking about his tangible connection to his favorite urban wasteland, Peter pulled his phone out and hastily typed in Ned’s new number.

Peter Parker [1:23PM]: Hi, I hate it here. Peter Parker [1:24PM]: Dr. Milner is out to get free thinkers. I may not survive the next fourteen weeks.

Peter already felt a little better after typing the words – the mere ability to get one of his many worries off his chest did wonders. Until his phone pinged with a new text message notification, of course.

Nimble fingers pulled the phone from his pocket, his eyes carelessly looking over the screen as it unlocked. Expecting to see Ned’s name there, Peter almost threw the phone to the ground when Siri’s suggestion registered.

Maybe – Tony Stark [1:26PM]: Hi stranger! I think this was meant for someone else, but I too think Dr. Milner is out to squash any new idea that doesn’t fit the mold. In his forty-year career, he hasn’t changed a bit.

Another text message was below it, but Peter forced himself to stop reading – his heart felt like it might beat out of his chest already, too much excitement at once couldn’t be good. Out of all the numbers he could’ve accidentally typed, Tony Stark, New York’s genius and resident beauty, Peter’s secret (though not so much) crush, ended up on the other side of the line. The unbelievability of the idea made Peter consider a well thought out prank. Then again, how did any of his fellow classmates know Tony Stark’s personal number?

Sucking in a deep breath, Peter made himself look at the second text message waiting unread.

Maybe – Tony Stark [1:27PM]: I’m not sure how you got this number, but I sincerely hope you make it out alive. If you’re in Milner’s class, you’re on the Nuclear track, which means you must be smart. Trust me, the world needs your future contributions, whatever they might be.

Peter gripped the phone a little harder after reading through the second message over and over again. He let his eyes take in each of the words, wondering, if it really was Tony Stark, how anyone ever survived talking to him. In so few sentences, Peter already felt discombobulated, both more confident and turned around than just seconds before. Aside from his infatuation with the man, Peter understood Tony Stark’s contributions to the technology community and the world at large more than most.

It took him a few minutes to convince himself to text back – every time he tried to type something, his fingers froze just centimeters above the screen. There were so many things he wanted to say, so many questions he wanted to ask to make sure he wasn’t getting catfished. Instead, Peter took the direct route, his courage obviously all or nothing in the face of something as big as an accidental interaction with Tony Stark.

Peter Parker [1:35PM]: Holy crap – excuse me for the bluntness, but is this really Tony Stark? Siri doesn’t often get things wrong, especially since I souped her up. But I’m sure you can understand the apprehension. Peter Parker [1:37PM]: Would you be up for answering a few questions just to make sure?

The tip of his finger tapped against the screen impatiently after he hit the send button, his nerves and the not-so-subtle excitement were barely contained under the surface of his skin. He couldn’t remember a time where feeling alive was so prominent.

A smile slipped across his lips when, a moment later, three consecutive texts vibrated Peter’s phone in succession.

Maybe – Tony Stark [1:40PM]: You souped up Siri? Steve Jobs is probably turning over in his grave right now. Maybe – Tony Stark [1:41PM]: I think I’m the one that should be asking the questions, don’t you think? How did you even get this number, Peter Parker? It’s a private line. Maybe – Tony Stark [1:42PM]: I am, though – Tony Stark, I mean.

Peter Parker [1:45PM]: Reconfiguring tech is kind of my thing. I used to dumpster dive in high school – you’d be surprised by the cool pieces of technology people put in their trash. Peter Parker [1:46PM]: Oh, bringing out the big guns – I’m happy to see Siri without my latest addition works for others, too. Peter Parker [1:47PM]: It was an accident, sending those first texts to you. My friend in New York just started a new job that came with a paid phone. I still haven’t saved the number. You are one off from him. Peter Parker [1:48PM]: Alright, Tony Stark. Tell me what campus I’m on.

Maybe – Tony Stark [1:53PM]: I’m not surprised by anything human beings do, especially in New York City. Throwing out a perfectly good iPod is certainly not the weirdest thing I’ve heard of. Did you make anything interesting in your trash conversion adventures? Maybe – Tony Stark [1:54PM]: You talk a big game, Mr. Parker. Can you walk the walk, too? Maybe – Tony Stark [1:55PM]: He must be on my payroll, then. The bank of numbers my employees have come from my personal network. Maybe – Tony Stark [1:57PM]: That’s an easy one. You’re at MIT – Milner was there when I was a student. The only thing that’s probably different between then and now is the amount of hair the old bag has.

Peter Parker [2:01PM]: You’re not wrong, Mr. Stark. I made things that helped me be self-sufficient. I grew up really poor and couldn’t afford the things everyone else had – so I figured out how all the tech worked and made my own. I’ve been using a ten-year-old iPhone for ages. Peter Parker [2:03PM]: You bet. Are you challenging me? Peter Parker [2:04PM]: He is, actually. He started in an entry level position two weeks ago. Peter Parker [2:06PM]: It’s gross, isn’t it? I’m glad we’ve moved past projectors in the classroom – the hair on his hand would make for a distracting shadow. Peter Parker [2:07PM]: Okay, okay. I think I’m convinced. One more test, though – send me a picture.

Maybe – Tony Stark [2:14PM]: Oh boy, none of that Mr. Stark shit. As far as you’re concerned, I’m Tony. Only Tony. Maybe – Tony Stark [2:15PM]: You made your own. That’s – impressive. I’m impressed and more than a little curious. Maybe – Tony Stark [2:17PM]: Challenging you, no. Enticing you, yes. I’m visiting Cambridge to do a guest lecture series next week. Come see what Stark Industries is up to – I’d love to hear what you think. Maybe – Tony Stark [2:18PM]: It was as bad as you think. Maybe – Tony Stark [2:20PM]: Okay, Peter Parker. [IMAGE ATTACHED]

A gasp of shock left Peter’s mouth when he opened the last text to find a smirking Tony Stark looking right at him. To prove the time and date, Tony held up the New York Times, his free hand pointing to the headline Peter read on his phone earlier that morning. After the shock of actually talking to Tony Stark wore off, Peter let himself take in the picture and all of its details.

Tony’s desk was largely visible in the shot – pens and stacks of paper littered the surface, a few rogue pieces of tech ready to be fiddled with acted as paper weights and grungy aesthetic. The man himself was breath taking – his glasses were a deep violet, offset beautifully by the crisp white shirt and black waistcoat covering Tony’s upper body. A light purple tie was loosely knotted at his throat, as if he fiddled with it while working just to keep his hands busy.

Without much thought, Peter saved the photo and added Tony to his contacts before replying – there was no reason not to trust the man, the spark in his shiny hazel eyes seemed to genuine and real to even question.

Peter Parker [2:25PM]: Only Tony, got it. Peter Parker [2:26PM]: Curiosity is good – keeps you fresh and on your toes. Peter Parker [2:27PM]: Oh, I see. You want a chance to impress me. I like that. Not sure what my opinion is going to do for you, but I’ll be happy to share it. Peter Parker [2:29PM]: Gross. Peter Parker [2:30PM]: I’m – you’re… Wow. You really are Tony Stark.

Tony Stark [2:37PM]: I think you’ll have no problems keeping me on my toes, Peter. Tony Stark [2:38PM]: I have a feeling your opinion is one that I’ll be very interested in. You’ve been nothing but blunt this entire conversation, I know I’m getting the real deal stuff. Tony Stark [2:40PM]: I am. I really am Tony Stark. Tony Stark [2:41PM]: It’s your turn, Peter Parker. What face belongs to that beautiful brain of yours?

Forcing himself to breath, Peter looked around the room for the best spot to return the favor. The bed was a hard no, he didn’t want to send the wrong vibe to a person who could easily have whomever they wanted. His desk was small, but meticulously organized – his study materials open and ready for a night of reviewing the only thing obscuring the surface. It was obvious Tony appreciated his brain, it seemed pertinent to take advantage.

After a few attempts, Peter found the perfect angle to catch the light in his eyes, making them shine brightly in the camera. He thanked the clothing gods that he chose a well fitted three-button Henley in his haste to get out the door that morning. The feeling of satisfaction was new, but not unwelcome – he wanted to send Tony the photo; for once, he knew it would impress.

Peter Parker [2:55PM]: Keeping implies longevity. Are you planning on sticking around? Peter Parker [2:56PM]: My brain to mouth filter runs at less than 10% at all times. It has brought me more trouble than shutting up ever would. Peter Parker [2:27PM]: You’re gorgeous. Violet is a nice color on you. Peter Parker [2:29PM]: What do you think? [IMAGE ATTACHED]

Tony Stark [ 2:37PM]: Yes. I think that’s the answer to that question. You’ve presented a puzzle I want to solve. Tony Stark [2:38PM]: Shutting up never got anyone anywhere. The noise we create is what shapes us. Tony Stark [2:40PM]: Thank you – I have a lot of it in my wardrobe. Tony Stark [2:44PM]: & you called me gorgeous; Peter Parker, you’re a stunner.

Peter Parker [2:51PM]: You’re a scientist, you do that for a living. What makes me so different? Peter Parker [2:52PM]: That’s a refreshing opinion. I like the way you think, Only Tony. Peter Parker [2:54PM]: That honestly doesn’t surprise me. Peter Parker [2:55PM]: Do you tell the person who made you blush that you’re blushing? I don’t remember that standard operating procedure.

Tony Stark [3:01PM]: My intrigue is of a personal nature only – the puzzle you pose is of a different sort. Usually, I think and think and think until I solve whatever the problem is. With you, I want to gather all the clues and take it apart piece by piece. Tony Stark [3:02PM]: That’s a little heavy for only knowing each other a couple of hours, but when you know, you know. Tony Stark [3:03PM]: Not usually, but I have a feeling you’re an exception to a lot of things, Peter Parker.

Throughout the rest of the afternoon, Peter continued to exchange flirty text messages back and forth with Tony – the mood stayed open and easy as the time passed. The older man helped Peter get through Nuclear Dynamics and three hours of decathlon practice. For all the brains Tony had, Peter was surprised to find humor and a bit of insecurity, too. Tony let himself go on tangents and make dad jokes that were a step away from being obscene.

That trend continued for the rest of the week and well into the weekend. By the time Sunday afternoon rolled around, Peter knew Tony’s schedule, half the newest late-night discoveries, and the way Mr. Sweet Tooth took his sugary coffee. Though a line of attraction and want existed, Peter was happy to know Tony as a person without the ability to act on the obvious tension between them. And while he appreciated the wholistic way they were coming to know each other, Peter couldn’t wait to see Tony throughout the week, either.

The older man seemed to share his sentiment – the shrill notification of a text message received pulled Peter out of his thoughts.

Tony Stark [7:30PM]: Hey, Pete! I present at 5:30 tomorrow afternoon. Want to grab something to eat afterwards? Tony Stark [7:31PM]: I’m impatient to get back to Hogan’s and thought you might appreciate his culinary prowess.

Peter Parker [7:35PM]: Tony – this is the fourth time you’ve reminded me about your presentation. I’ll be there. For dinner, too. Peter Parker [7:36PM]: Culinary prowess; if it merits that title, I’m sure it’ll be worth it.

Tony Stark [7:42PM]: I know – I just get some performance anxiety. It helps to remind myself that you’re going to be there. Tony Stark [7:43PM]: It is. Hap is an old friend of mine. He left MIT to go make his restaurant dreams happen and has been stupidly happy ever since.

Peter Parker [7:47PM]: I get it – I’ll gladly be your security blanket, Tony. Peter Parker [7:48PM]: Something tells me there’s more to that story, but I’m sure you’ll tell me one day. I’m excited to try it. Should I look up the menu beforehand, or let it be a surprise?

Tony Stark [7:55PM]: I like the sound of that. I’ve pictured having you in my arms often. Tony Stark [7:57PM]: There’s always more to the story, Pete. Let it be a surprise! In fact, I’ll order for you to make sure you get the whole newbie experience.

Peter Parker [8:05PM]: I’ll boldly say you can have me in your arms as often as you like. Peter Parker [8:06PM]: The newbie experience – there hasn’t been a time in my life where that’s been a good thing. Peter Parker [8:07PM]: Yet. Surprisingly – I trust you.

The next day went by quickly – Peter took a quiz in Nuclear Science and dug into his other two classes to keep his mind focused on anything other than Tony’s imminent presence. His last class was a core history class, so he gladly tucked into the reading the professor let them loose to do. The chime of his alarm broke through Peter’s fog a couple pages from the end of his assignment. Though he liked to be ahead, Peter gladly took the extra few minutes to get himself together before heading to MIT’s presentation hall.

Decked out in his finest pair of black jeans, a blue denim short-sleeve button down, and solid black high-top Converse on his feet, Peter walked the few minutes it took to get back onto campus from his small apartment. Unsurprisingly, a line was formed out the door of students hoping to get into the presentation last minute. Tony told him earlier in the week that they waited to advertise his appearance until the a few hours before to stop the masses from flocking. To Peter, the time restriction seemed to only make it worse.

In Tony’s excitement to have Peter there, the older man set aside a ticket for him – instead of joining the line like he might’ve without Tony’s insistence, Peter walked straight into the cool auditorium, snagging a seat at the end of a row located dead center in the auditorium. The vantage point was perfect – Peter wouldn’t have any trouble catching Tony’s eye as he spoke. Grinning at his access to such a simple pleasure, Peter relaxed back into the seat, passing the time until Tony took the stage by watching the crowd flood in around him.

It wasn’t long before the lights were dimming and a sweaty, high ranking alumnus gave Tony Stark a mediocre welcome onto the stage. The crowd broke out into a cheer that more than made up for the old man’s subpar words. Tony timed his entrance perfectly; he walked out as the energy rose, the shift in the crowd’s tension working to enhance everyone’s excitement. Peter found himself glued to the man, who until that moment, existed entirely on the other side of the phone – he didn’t want to miss a single second of full-body absorption.

A black suit coat sat snuggly on Tony’s shoulders, a singular button keeping the sides closed. His dark hair was elegantly styled, the bed-head look enhancing the easy-going style Peter knew Tony strived for. The facial hair Peter came to truly appreciate over the last few days of texting drew attention to his sharp cheekbones. Tony seemed genuinely happy to be there if the beaming smile on his face said anything at all. With a few claps and the corniest joke, the older man got the crowd under control, proceeding onto his speech with an effortless transition.

As expected, Peter found himself interested from the very beginning. Tony’s new work on energy and its uses amongst transportation and city overhaul was ingenious – when things got up and running, New York’s power grid would run completely on sustainable energy. So many thoughts flashed across the front of Peter’s mind – he wondered if Tony would let him take a look at the blueprints. He might not have much to contribute, yet Peter understood the opportunity for learning and development when it presented itself.

By the end of Tony’s presentation, Peter was overjoyed to know that he wouldn’t need to feign interest in the topics Tony brought to the table. For a while, Stark Industries went through a slump of working on weapons and junky tech Peter found in the trash more often than he ever wanted to admit. It felt good to be excited about something new coming from the company – Tony Stark was the smartest person in his field, anything less than almost perfect just didn’t do the man and his ideas justice.

After fielding a lot more questions than Peter expected, Tony headed off the stage with a roar of applause – the genius wasn’t a household name for nothing. Smiling at the thought, Peter pulled his phone out; he got to see behind the curtain more than others – he felt a sudden surge of gratefulness at the fact. Every person around him would do anything for the privilege; taking that for granted just wouldn’t do.

Peter Parker [6:45PM]: You’re an incredible public speaker, Tony. Peter Parker [6:46PM]: Thanks for making me come!

Tony Stark [6:49PM]: How inappropriate of me is it to say that this isn’t the only time I plan to make you come?

Peter Parker [6:55PM]: Very, but it’s appreciated, nonetheless. I’ll meet you over by the Engineering building whenever you’re done trying to outrun your fans.

Tony Stark [7:00PM]: You’re fucking hilarious. I’ll meet you there in five.

True to his word, Tony snuck up behind Peter a few minutes later – soft palms that gave way to well-earned callouses pressed against Peter’s cheeks as Tony covered his eyes. The mere fact that Tony was there at all was surprise enough; the touches and softly whispered “Hello, Pete,” in his ear felt like more than enough to cause a coronary.

Shaking his head to clear it, Peter turned in Tony’s arms, a huge grin playing across his lips. With the way they were standing now, Peter’s chest was pressed delightfully against Tony’s – he felt each and every one of Tony’s inhales of oxygen and exhales of carbon dioxide that brought Peter’s attention to the firm muscles pressing and pulling the man’s abdomen. His breath caught when Tony palmed his cheek, their mouths mere inches apart. Despite not actually knowing each other, Peter felt comfortable in Tony’s embrace.

“Hey, Tony,” Peter finally replied after allowing his breath to mingle with Tony’s. As they stood there pressed together, neither could decipher where one started and the other began. The thought made his grin grow a little wider, the courage inside of him pulsing a little more boldly with life. “You were amazing up there.”

Tony remained perfectly still; his limbs seemingly frozen in a clench to keep Peter close to him. His grip was firm, both the hand on Peter’s hip and his late day stubbled cheek. Like the man himself, Tony’s touch left something behind that kept Peter on the hook, always seeking more. He half expected for Tony to lean in and slot their lips together – his deepest desires and tangible wants were starting to collide in such close proximity.

Instead, Peter’s smile was returned with quirked cheeks and bright hazel eyes. “You weren’t too bored?” Tony asked, his voice soft in the small space between them. His thumb swiped constantly across Peter’s cheek, the obvious need to move apparent, even in such an intimate situation.

Chuckling lightly, Peter shook his head. “So far from bored. My thesis research is all about sustainable energy – you had me interested from the very beginning,” Peter replied almost immediately, not caring that his excitement clearly shone through in the pitch of his voice. The way he was leaning into Tony’s touch, Peter didn’t have much of a chance to disguise his truth, anyway.

“You’re so much smarter than you give yourself credit for – I can tell already.” Tony’s words were mumbled almost as if the older man was embarrassed to say them – to hand out such a compliment to someone other than himself. And yet – Tony’s hesitation made the statement mean so much more; the rarity of such kind words (despite being spoken so softly) did nothing but make Peter want to melt into Tony even further.

Before things could get too mushy or physical, Peter took a large step out of Tony’s arms – begrudgingly, the need for space was prominent if they ever wanted the night to continue. Never mind the fact that paparazzi were constantly hounding and following Tony wherever the man went. Though he was deemed an appropriate companion at the time, Peter was more than sure the public would not agree.

With that thought in mind, Peter shot Tony a shy smile – “I’m pretty famished. Want to show me what Hogan’s is all about?”

They spent the ten-minute walk talking about the presentation – Tony grilled Peter about a few of the technical parts, while Peter drooled a little bit over the projected uses of Tony’s new energy storage and production. Like two nerdy peas in a pod, neither could help themselves – geeking out and talking about something they were both interested in made the rest of the world melt away. Peter might’ve kept on his tangent if it weren’t for a tall, thickly built man clearing his throat.

Looking up at the noise, Peter realized they’d walked a few blocks already and were standing in the lobby of a well-maintained hole in the wall that radiated the most delicious smells. Grease and cheese and freshly dropped French fries hit his senses all at once – there was no doubt that whatever they were about to consume would be more than delicious.

Peter was seconds away from wiping drool from his chin when Tony broke out into action. He took the couple of steps between their current position and the hostess stand to wrap who could only be Happy in a firm, breathtaking hug. “Happy, my man. It’s so good to see you,” Tony exclaimed as he stepped away, an adorable look in his eyes. “I’ve been talking this place up to Peter here, thought I’d cash in on your good will.”

Suddenly, all eyes were on Peter – Tony looked at him like something he couldn’t wait to deconstruct, while Happy tilted his head curiously, as if the one glance would tell him all he needed to know about Peter Parker. Unwillingly to stand there like an animal on display, Peter broke through the weird with a soft laugh and a light wave.

“Nice to meet you, Happy. Tony’s been selling me on your food for days now. I can’t wait to try it,” Peter said, his shoulders rolling back to help him stand a little taller. Though he had nothing to prove to the total stranger in front of him, Peter couldn’t help but want to make a good impression – Happy obviously meant something to Tony; their comradery and easy affection said that without much effort.

There was a moment where all three guys seemed to look between each other – Peter watched with bated breath as Tony and Happy carried on a silent conversation with just a few blinks and forehead crinkles. By the time Peter understood what was happening, Happy stepped a little closer to him, his big hand reaching out for what could only be a handshake. Without hesitating, Peter took it – for whatever reason, the handshake felt monumental; like with the one touch, he beat the level boss and gained access to the next one.

“Good to meet you, too. Tony’s good about that sort of advertisement – we probably wouldn’t have made it without his ugly mug around at the beginning,” Happy replied. “You guys know what you want? I’ll get it on the grill personally.”

At that point, Tony stepped back into the spotlight and grabbed the reins – he ordered everything at rapid fire speed, like the menu existed as a hard copy in Tony’s mind. Considering the warmth of the older man’s welcome and Happy’s cryptic words, Peter didn’t doubt that Tony was a regular – more than likely a founding customer, even.

It took no time at all for their food to come out to the small table in the corner Tony led him to. The tray was piled with an abundance of food – cheese steaks, fries, burgers, even a couple of desserts littered the table as Tony unpacked their haul. Peter’s eyes were wide, his mouth watering with a want that only Zap’s Bodega could illicit before. “This – it all looks amazing,” Peter babbled, his stomach both hungry and overwhelmed by everything in front of him.

“Just wait until you taste it. Happy used to crank out these cheesesteaks on the little hot plate we had in our dorm room. They were excellent, but the addition of the flattop has made them unbeatable.”

Unable to decide what smelled the best, Peter grabbed whatever was nearest to him. His fingers wrapped around the greasy paper of the aforementioned cheesesteak, his mouth watering even more. “So, you and Happy were roommates at MIT?” Peter asked around a large bite, the food in his mouth muffling some of the words. It really was good – worth looking like a pig in front of the most beautiful man alive.

“Hap and I go way back. His father worked security at Stark Industries – he was on my dad’s personal protection team for most of my life. When Happy’s mom died and the need for babysitting became a thing, Happy started to spend the evenings with me after school. In a lot of ways, he’s the only family I’ve ever had. When he first opened up this place, I was young and just looking for some investment that would piss my dad off. I knew Happy had talent, but neither of us thought this place would blow up the way it did.” Tony looked up then, a vulnerability in his eyes. “We’ve been in business together ever since.”

Smiling encouragingly, Peter nodded in Tony’s direction – their closeness, Tony’s unwavering advertisement and protectiveness, even some of the food names he could see on the menu; it all made sense. After taking another bite of the cheesesteak, Peter chewed slowly before responding. “There’s always more to the story, right?” he questioned cheekily. “It sounds like your gamble worked out for you – I didn’t look at the menu, but I did Google Hogan’s; there’s ten locations within a 300-mile radius.”

A snort had Peter looking up, his eyebrows quirked. “I should’ve known,” Tony said through a laugh. “Your generation is all about instant gratification.”

Their eyes locked then, Tony’s words and their meaning sitting in the space between them. Peter forced himself not to blink – he wanted to memorize the rich hazel color that barely ringed a growing pupil. Hunger and want and something unrecognizable existed in Tony’s glance; when it was all over and Tony moved on, Peter desperately wanted to remember the genuine rawness he drew out of one of the world’s greatest minds.

“Or just impatience,” Peter countered. He drew his eyes away, needing to break the glance to stop himself from propelling himself across the table and tackle Tony to the ground. Though it looked as if Happy kept the place spick and span, Peter didn’t want to think about Tony’s expensive suit on any other floor aside from his own.

They attempted to pull the small talk back to something a little tamer, but the road of the rest of the evening had already been paved. It became harder to focus on anything other than the thick press of Tony’s thigh against his own under the table. As the minutes passed, Peter noticed Tony staring, and after a while, the older man just never stopped. Every time he looked up, Peter caught hazel eyes taking him in – undressing him button by button with the sheer want in his eyes. A red blush took up permanent residence on Peter’s cheeks and neck, the color following him out of the restaurant and out onto the street where Tony took his hand without hesitation.

Before his mom passed away, Peter remembered a softly mumbled conversation laying across both his parents early, early in the morning. His dad’s big fingers were wrapped so neatly around his mother’s, the embrace tight, despite the hour. Peter reached out to touch the unbreakable seam, his eyes wide with wonder. “They fit,” Peter whispered softly, his finger running reverently over their joint fingers.

His mother pulled him close then, her lips finding that special place on his cheek. “One day, Petey, you’ll find that perfect person whose hands will fit yours just the way your father’s fit mine.”

A warmth settled in Peter’s chest as he slid his hand into Tony’s, their fingers interlacing perfectly with ease. The immaculate fit of Tony’s hand pressing against his own made him snuggle in further – whatever happened between them after this, Peter would forever know how easily he and Tony Stark fit together.

Giving Tony’s fingers a squeeze at the thought, Peter looked up, breaking the silence – “Do you want to see my apartment? I’m sure it’s not nearly as fancy as the hotel you’re staying at, but I’ve got Netflix and a really comfortable couch.”

Tony took a few long strides to answer, his face a little pensive. “I’d love to see your apartment, Pete,” Tony replied easily. They came to a stop at the crosswalk – Tony used his momentum to pull Peter close to his chest while they waited out the light. “I don’t care about fancy. You’ll be there.”

While Peter had lots of things to reply, his words were cut off by slightly chapped lips eagerly pressing against his own. It took Peter a second to recognize what in the glorious hell was happening – when the reality of the situation finally registered, Peter surged forward, tilting his head to not only return the kiss, but deepen it.

Both of Peter’s hands found their way around Tony’s neck to keep him close – he felt like he might pass out from the sheer goodness of Tony surrounding him without the grounding touch. He was far from a virgin, but none of his previous encounters knocked him off his feet in such a way that made Peter feel like a fumbling newbie.

Sipping from each other’s mouths, Peter was surprised by a strange and unrecognizable voice coming from behind them – “the light’s changed, fellas.”

It took an obscene amount of effort to pull away – though the stranger’s words made his face burn with embarrassment, Peter was reluctant to step out of Tony’s embrace and the tantalizing press of warm lips against his own. Regardless of his trepidation, Peter reluctantly moved back.

He made sure to slip his hand into Tony’s before they set off again.

“I’m just another couple of blocks away,” Peter reassured, a hungry smirk on his face. Tony returned the look, their stride all of the sudden lengthening. Their walk turned from a leisurely stroll to a brisk half-run. If it weren’t for the want raging through Peter’s veins, he might’ve found the change hilarious. In all of their time together, Tony never expressed impatience – he always seemed calm, cool, and collected. Yet, in the face of heat and need and the promise of bare skin, Tony let that mask drop.

Happy to know a new something about Tony, Peter reveled in the pent-up silence that carried them back to his apartment. Snagging a ground floor unit close to the entrance, they luckily didn’t have to wait for an elevator or awkwardly pretend that they weren’t about to push the other against the wall and start ravaging whatever pieces of skin they could find. Instead, Peter impatiently pulled Tony behind him as they walked between building 1 and 2 with eager steps.

After some fumbling and a set of dropped keys, Peter finally got his door open and Tony through it. Without missing a beat, Tony pushed him back against the newly closed front door, their lips harshly joining. Groaning at the contact and suddenness of it all, Peter pulled Tony in – any space left between them was unacceptable now that they were in a private space where wandering eyes and clicking cameras couldn’t see. Their obvious passion was too much for the public eye; Peter so desperately wanted to keep Tony to himself – devouring him in a safe space was only the first step.

As Tony traced his bottom lip with the tip of his tongue, Peter fumbled his hands down the older man’s chest until he could pull the crisp button-down from well-tailored pants. The second he was able, Peter shoved his hands under the soft fabric, his palms greedily pressing into Tony’s hairy chest. A groan left his mouth – the chest hair under his fingers was soft and teasing. Peter was caught between the urge to tug at the strands and lay his head gently against them just to feel the texture against his skin.

Tony made the decision for him – large hands were suddenly on Peter’s waist, his feet coming up off the ground with little effort. Unable to keep his hands where they were, Peter broke the kiss with a groan and shifted until he could wrap his legs around Tony’s hips. Peter panted for breath while his lips were still free as Tony navigated through the room blindly. Another soft moan left Peter’s lips when his back hit the pliable leather of his couch.

Where just moments before they were standing chest to chest, Peter now had the full weight of Tony against him. The older man fit seamlessly between his splayed thighs, their hips lining up in a way that made Peter’s cock pulse against the confines of his tight jeans. With a bit of shifting, their groins were matched – Tony’s thick cock felt sinful against Peter’s. If his impending orgasm was already upon him, Peter wondered what it’d be like when their clothes hit the floor and he really got to taste what Tony had to offer.

Like he was reading his mind, Tony made quick work of the buttons on Peter’s shirt. Calloused hands dragged up and down Peter’s bare chest as he pushed the navy fabric to the side – his skin was practically hairless, the only exception being a small trail of it leading down to the v of his jeans. Tony let his fingers play through that small amount of hair, his fingers teasing as they got closer to the one spot that Peter wanted him to be the most.

Deciding to take his mind off of the heat in his belly and the closeness of his orgasm, Peter returned the favor. His hands were shaky as he passed button after button through their holes. With a gasp, Peter spread the sides of Tony’s shirt to get the maximum impact of the older man’s torso. He liked what he felt before, but the view was something else – Tony’s chest was chiseled and cut, his pecs and abs straining with effort. Peter noticed throbbing veins and a few scars in his perusal; the evidence of Tony’s life and the way he lived it made Peter pull the man a little closer. Tony Stark drove him absolutely mad – every new thing he learned contributed to the insanity even more.

Before he could get lost in the thought, Tony’s lips were skating along his cheek, only to stop and caress the outer shell of Peter’s ear. “You feel amazing, Pete,” Tony babbled, his tongue peeking out to join in on the fun. “I want to taste you, feel your cock pulse against my tongue. You’re so fucking hard and I can’t fucking wait. Is that okay?”

Peter pulled back then, a soft grin pulling at his lips. In all of his sexual encounters, Peter couldn’t recall someone caring about him so thoroughly, let alone stopping to ask how he felt. Both hands came up to grip Tony’s cheeks until the older man was looking right at him. Through the haze of arousal, Peter recognized that warm spark in Tony’s eye – it was the look in that first picture that kept Peter coming back for more.

“It’s perfect, Tony. I’ll take anything you want to give me,” Peter said breathlessly. He leaned up for a kiss to drive the words home.

Tony looked genuinely happy when Peter pulled away – his cheeks were flushed with obvious arousal, his lips quirked in a saucy smile. Without saying anything, Tony nodded his head and travelled slowly down the length of Peter’s body. Nimble fingers made quick work of the button and zipper of his jeans before Peter could think or even draw his next breath.

Sturdy hands didn’t hesitate to pull at the waistband of Peter’s boxers – his flushed cock was already leaking as it came to rest casually against the firm abs of Peter’s chest. Tony’s calloused fingers immediately wrapped around the length, giving a tight squeeze to the base. The sheer feeling of his crush’s hands on him was almost enough for Peter to jump straight over the edge. Catching Tony’s eyes and biting down on his bottom lip was his only saving grace – the knowing look in beautiful hazel eyes pulled a chuckle from Peter’s chest, the noise distraction enough.

“Okay?” Tony asked again, the words were spoken with his mouth hovering just inches from the pulsing flesh of Peter’s cock. He could feel Tony’s breath against his sensitive skin, everything about the situation making it hard to articulate or think or exist as anything other than a melted puddle of goo against broken-in leather.

Peter took a couple of deep breaths before nodding vigorously. He felt a red flush travel even further down his neck and torso, arousal and embarrassment mixing together to create the ultimate aphrodisiac. He finally found his voice, muttering a choked off “yes” before the motor function of speaking left him once more.

After a heartbeat and then another where neither man moved, Tony gripped the sharp bones of Peter’s hips, pushing his lower body down against the cushions. They shared another look as Tony lowered his head, his pink tongue poking out to lick lightly against the leaky head of Peter’s cock. Hazel eyes stayed on him – Tony continued to lap along his sensitive skin, all while killing Peter slowly with the heat and want reflecting back. By the time Tony had all of Peter in his mouth, Peter was seconds away from being undone.

It’d been so long, and he’d wanted Tony since he understood what attraction was. Being pinned down by the person he desired longer than some of his friendships did nothing but magnify everything that was happening. His skin felt like it was on fire under Tony’s touch – the suction around his cock felt like it was coming from all angles, everywhere, all at once. Unable to stop himself, Peter moaned, panted, and shamelessly shouted Tony’s name as the blissful seconds passed.

The telling zip of a zipper being pushed down, and Tony’s hasty shift told Peter that Tony was similarly affected. He picked up his head to watch Tony suck his cock down while his right hand moved at the same pace – while he took Peter’s cock into his throat, Tony was stroking his own erection with sure strokes. As if the heat around him wasn’t enough, the beautiful visual of Tony taking his own pleasure pushed him those last couple of steps over the edge.

Bubbling heat in his belly boiled over. Peter frantically reached down to grip Tony’s shoulder, his mouth wordlessly shaping around warning words. “I’m – I’m… fuck, Tony. I’m going to cum,” Peter finally managed to gasp out. There was just enough time for Tony to pull away, to let Peter’s pleasure splatter on the blood warm skin of Peter’s stomach. Yet, Tony held fast, instead – he redoubled his efforts, his lips tightening and throat relaxing in invitation.

Unable to stop himself, Peter let go – his hips thrust up into Tony’s enticing heat, the man’s name dripping from his lips as pulse after pulse of cum left his body. Tony moaned around him, swallowing easily without pulling his mouth away or stopping his ministrations. The suction continued until Peter was reaching down halfheartedly to push at Tony’s soft curls.

While he caught his breath, Tony crawled up Peter’s body, a self-satisfied smirk on his red cheeks. Peter grinned at him, happiness and satiation rolling off of him in waves. Without thought, Peter pulled Tony tightly to him, their lips finding each other like opposite poles of magnets drawn together by the sheer force of nature. Tony shared Peter’s taste with him, his talented tongue thrusting into Peter’s mouth with a shared groan between them. It was all so hot; Peter felt his spent cock already starting to come back to life.

With that thought in mind, Peter started to reach down to help Tony finish achieving his own pleasure; yet his hand was batted away with affectionate finesse. Peter shifted until he could meet the honey hazels he was already addicted to, a question in his eye.

“There’s no need,” Tony mumbled, his face tucking into the skin of Peter’s neck. “You’re so sexy, I couldn’t help but touch myself. The way you look in the throes of pleasure – it’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen before.”

“Holy shit.”

Tony chuckled at the awe in Peter’s voice. “My sentiment exactly.”

For a while, they stayed stretched out on Peter’ couch, exchanging kisses and greedy touches on all the bare skin either could reach. Without so much adrenaline coursing through his system, Peter felt himself melting even further into the comfy cushions below him. After a jaw breaking yawn, Peter reached up to cup Tony’s cheek, pulling the man’s attention towards him.

“Want to stay over?” Peter asked quietly, his voice barely above a whisper. Though they were spent and wrapped up in each other, Peter wasn’t sure where Tony stood. There was a big difference between the type of intimacy physical touch and sleeping next to another human being required. The last few days, Peter fell asleep with Tony’s messages open on the bed next to him – actually sleeping side by side, in person, that was a whole new step for them.

Tilting his head to the side, Tony shot Peter a tender smile before nodding and leaning down to press their lips together.

“Yeah, Pete – I want to stay.”

#starker #starkerfestivalsevents #starker festivals summer bingo #bobbie writes #let me get close to #peter parker/tony stark #starker fic #sfsummerbingo21

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princesssarisa · 4 years

Text

Some more “Little Women” remarks: the problem of Beth

I honestly think most commentary I’ve read about Beth’s character is bad, both academic and from casual readers.

I understand why. She’s a difficult character. Modern readers who love Little Women and want to celebrate it as a proto-feminist work need to contend with the presence of this thoroughly domestic, shy, sweetly self-effacing character, seemingly the opposite of everything a feminist heroine should be. Meanwhile, other readers who despise Little Women and consider it anti-feminist cite Beth as the embodiment of its supposedly outdated morals. Then there’s the fact that she’s based on Louisa May Alcott’s actual sister, Lizzie Alcott, and does show hints of the real young woman’s complexity, and yet she’s much more idealized than the other sisters, which often makes readers view her as more of a symbol (of what they disagree, but definitely a symbol) than a real person.

But even though the various bad takes on her character are understandable, they’re still obnoxious, and in my humble opinion, not founded in the text.

Here are my views on some of the critics’ opinions I least agree with.

“She’s nothing but a bland, boring model of feminine virtue.”

Of course it’s fair to find her bland and boring. Everyone is entitled to feel how they feel about any character. But she’s not just a cardboard cutout of 19th century feminine virtue. So many people seem to dismiss her shyness as just the maidenly modesty that conduct books used to encourage. But it seems blatantly obvious to me that it’s more than just that. Beth’s crippling shyness is actively portrayed as her “burden,” just like Jo’s temper or Meg and Amy’s vanity and materialism. She struggles with it. Her parents have homeschooled her because her anxiety made the classroom unbearable for her – no conduct book has ever encouraged that! In Part 1, she has a character arc of overcoming enough of her shyness to make new friends like Mr. Laurence and Frank Vaughn. Then, in Part 2, she has the arc of struggling to accept her impending death: she doesn’t face it with pure serenity, but goes through a long journey of both physical and emotional pain before she finds peace in the end. Her character arcs might be quieter and subtler than her sisters’, but she’s not the static figure she’s often misremembered as being.

‘She needs to die because her life has no meaning outside of her family and the domestic sphere.”

In all fairness, Beth believes this herself: she says she was “never meant” to live long because she’s just “stupid little Beth,” with no plans for the future and of no use to anyone outside the home. But for readers to agree with that assessment has massive unfortunate implications! The world is full of both women and men who – whether because of physical or mental illness, disability, autism, Down Syndrome, or some other reason – can’t attend regular school, don’t make friends easily, are always “young for their age,” don’t get married or have romantic relationships, aren’t able to hold a regular job, never live apart from their families, and lead quiet, introverted, home-based lives. Should we look at those real people and think they all need to die? I don’t think so! Besides, it seems to me that the book actively refutes Beth’s self-deprecation. During both of her illnesses, it’s made clear how many people love her and how many people’s lives her quiet kindness has touched – not just her family and few close friends, but the neighbors, the Hummels (of course), the local tradespeople she interacts with, and the children she sews gifts for who write her letters of gratitude. Then there’s the last passage written from her viewpoint before her death, where she finds Jo’s poem that describes what a positive influence her memory will always be, and realizes that her short, quiet life hasn’t been the waste she thought it was. How anyone can read that passage and still come away viewing her life as meaningless is beyond me.

“She needs to die because she symbolizes a weak, outdated model of femininity.”

SparkNotes takes this interpretation of Beth and it annoys me to think of how many young readers that study guide has probably taught to view her this way. No matter how feisty and unconventional Louisa May Alcott was, and no mater how much she personally rebelled against passive, domestic femininity, would she really have portrayed her beloved sister Lizzie as “needing to die” because she was “too weak to survive in the modern world”? Would she really have turned Lizzie’s tragic death into a symbol of a toxic old archetype’s welcome death? But even if Beth were a purely fictional character and not based on the author’s sister, within the text she’s much too beloved and too positive an influence on everyone around her for this interpretation to feel right. This seems less like a valid reading of her character and more like wishful thinking on the part of some feminist scholars.

“She's a symbol of pure goodness who needs to die because she’s Too Good For This Sinful Earth™.”

Enough with the reasons why Beth “needs to die”! At least this one isn’t insulting. But I don’t think it’s really supported by the text either. If she were a symbol of goodness too pure for this world, then she wouldn’t forget to feed her pet bird for a week and lose him to starvation. She wouldn’t get snappish when she’s bored, even if she does only vent her frustration on her doll. She wouldn’t struggle with social anxiety, or dislike washing dishes, or be explicitly described as “not an angel” by the narrator because she can’t help but long for a better piano than the one she has. Now of course those flaws (except for accidentally letting her bird die) are minute compared to her sisters’. It’s fair to say that only “lip service” is paid to Beth’s humanity in an otherwise angelic portrayal. But it seems clear that Alcott did try to make her more human than other saintly, doomed young girls from the literature of her day: she’s certainly much more real than little Eva from Uncle Tom’s Cabin, for example.

“She’s destroyed by the oppressive model of femininity she adheres to.”

This argument holds that because Beth’s selfless care for others causes her illness, her story’s purpose is to condemn the expectation that women toil endlessly to serve others. But if Alcott meant to convey that message, I’d think she would have had Beth get sick by doing some unnecessary selfless deed. Helping a desperately poor, single immigrant mother take care of her sick children isn’t unnecessary. That’s not the kind of selflessness to file under “things feminists should rebel against.”

“She’s a symbol of ideal 19th century femininity, whom all three of her sisters – and implicitly all young female readers – are portrayed as needing to learn to be like.”

Whether people take this view positively (e.g. 19th and early 20th century parents who held up Beth as the model of sweet docility they wanted from their daughters) or negatively (e.g. feminists who can’t forgive Alcott for “remaking Jo in Beth’s image” by the end), I honestly think they’re misreading the book. I’ve already outlined the ways in which Beth struggles and grows just like her sisters do. If any character is portrayed as the ideal woman whom our young heroines all need to learn to be like, it’s not Beth, it’s Marmee. She combines aspects of all her daughters’ best selves (Meg and Beth’s nurturing, Jo’s strong will and Amy’s dignity) and she’s their chief source of wise advice and moral support. Yet none of her daughters become exactly like her either. They all maintain their distinct personalties, even as they grow. Admittedly, Beth’s sisters do sometimes put her on a pedestal as the person they should emulate – i.e. Amy during Beth’s first illness and Jo in the months directly after her death. But in both of those cases, their grief-inspired efforts are short-lived and they eventually go back to their natural boldness and ambitions. They just combine them with more of Beth’s kindness and unselfishness than before.

“She wills her own death.”

Of all these interpretations, this one is possibly the most blatantly contradicted by the text. Just because Beth’s fatal illness is vague and undefined beyond “she never recovered her strength after her scarlet fever” doesn’t mean it's caused by a lack of “will to live”; just because she interprets her lack of future plans or desire to leave home to mean that she’s “not meant to live long” doesn’t mean she’s so afraid to grow up that she wants to die. It’s made very clear that Beth wants to get well. Even though she tries to hide her deep depression from her family and face death willingly, she’s still distraught to have her happy life cut short.

I’ll admit that I’m probably biased, because as as a person on the autism spectrum who’s also struggled with social anxiety and led an introverted, home-based life, I personally relate to Beth. If I didn’t find her relatable, these interpretations would probably annoy me less. But I still think they’re based on a shallow overview of Beth’s character, combined with disdain for girls who don’t fit either the tomboyish “Jo” model or the sparkling “Amy” model of lively, outgoing young womanhood, rather than a close reading of the book.

#little women #beth march #meta #literary criticism

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