#and I can't even use the word autism to describe my experiences because then my mom automatically shuts down

[edwardshundredyearoldspunk]

on this first day of disability pride month I had 1) a very embarrassing (but thankfully, private) meltdown, 2) an even more embarrassing conversation where I tried to address the cause of said meltdown to my mother but just ended up getting stonewalled, and finally 3) was told yet again that I'm “looking for drama” because “it's not a big deal” (because to her it isn't) and “if you behave like a child I'm going to treat you like a child”. cool.

[birdofmay]

FAQ (updated 9 September 2024)

Medical content: 1. Can I use AAC if I'm not nonverbal? 2. Nuances of being nonverbal 3. Why your brain can't make sense of speech 4. What's CAS? 5. Apraxia vs. dyspraxia 6. Verbality level 7. Alternative terms for losing speech 8. Autism levels 9. Support needs 10. irl contact with me 11. Asking for my opinion

Personal content: 1. Frisian vs. German 2. The Frisian language 3. Metal recommendations 4. Why I have extensive knowledge on metal

Medical questions start here

"Can I use AAC if I'm not nonverbal/nonspeaking?"

Yes. Absolutely. Unless it's a last cookie scenario (you're taking the last cookie even though someone else in the room would need it more), AAC isn't limited. If you benefit from AAC of any kind, use it. You even help to normalise it that way.

Just make sure not to dominate discussions about AAC users who can't speak at all.

"Why do you guys say that nonverbal means you can't speak at all? There's more nuance to that!"

True, but when we gave more nuance, suddenly verbal people thought that they "by definition" are nonverbal/nonspeaking too.

I never learned to speak, but I can sing and make sounds with my mouth and say single words (up to 3 on a good day). And I'm medically considered nonverbal because I can't voluntarily say these words etc.

In my experience it's better to give as little nuance as possible to people who don't know much about us (otherwise they're confused by too much information) and only talk about nuances once they understand the basics...

...which sometimes happens soon but sometimes never at all...

"Sometimes I listen to people and my brain can't make sense of what they say, what's that?" - Maybe....

an ADHD thing

a sensory overload thing

receptive language issues

auditory processing disorder

aphasia

...or check out how language processing and auditory processing works in general, autism can make these things hard without it being an additional disorder ☝🏼

"What's CAS?"

Childhood apraxia of speech (also known as Developmental Verbal Dyspraxia) is a condition where individuals struggle to "let their mouth do what their brain wants" - it's as if mouth and brain don't cooperate

It comes in mild and severe cases and is lifelong (but it's possible to make a lot of progress, depending on the symptoms)

Normally language comprehension isn't impaired, it's just speaking that doesn't work

Check this external Cleveland Clinic link that explains it very well

"Are apraxia and dyspraxia the same? Can regular dyspraxia affect the mouth?"

Apraxia and childhood apraxia of speech aren't the same; usually apraxia is due to brain damage of some kind, and CAS isn't. Dyspraxia often is used to refer to developmental conditions, which is why CAS is also called developmental verbal dyspraxia. Unfortunately, apraxia and dyspraxia are often used interchangeably, so it's necessary to always make it clear what we mean first.

There also is a second definition of dyspraxia and apraxia: dys- means something is impaired and a- means that it's impossible to do/absent. This, again, is why it's important to make it clear what we mean. Medical settings use all of these definitions - yep, that's kind of chaotic 😅

Normal dyspraxia can definitely affect the mouth and the whole face. My sources are people I know from disability programs and therapy, but I've seen papers about that too at some point.

Many people with CAS have normal dyspraxia too (as two different diagnoses), but not everyone.

Yes, CAS can affect fine- and gross motor skills, but that doesn't always make it regular dyspraxia too

"I don't know what my verbality level would be considered!"

Me neither! But check out my masterpost

and don't forget that "unreliably speaking" is for people with "full body apraxia" to describe the brain-body disconnect only.

"I've heard that we shouldn't say "going nonverbal", what other words can we say instead?"

Here, a nice little list!

"I don't know my autism level!"

Me neither, only the DSM-5 has autism levels, I don't have an autism level either.

I was diagnosed with severe autism because they made me take several additional "severity tests" after the normal diagnostic tests.

If your country uses the DSM-5, maybe you've been diagnosed when they still used the DSM-4. Or you simply weren't assigned a level, not every professional does that.

"I don't know what support needs I'd be considered!"

Me neither, but check out my support needs masterpost

A "general rule of thumb" is "Help with IADLs = low support needs, help with IADLs and some BADLs = medium support needs, help with IADLs and most or all BADLs = high support needs", but these categories aren't as strict as they seem.

Do you have care needs? No? Then you're not high support needs, you're most likely low or low-to-mid support needs.

My country re-assesses my support needs regularly; if you're medium or high support needs and weren't medically neglected your whole life, you'd normally know that you're medium or high support needs already, because that's tested (if you're not sure, check the documents). But testing is different from country to country.

Unless, of course, something happened recently that you now suddenly need a lot of help, definitely more than before. In this case there likely wasn't any testing yet. But in that case I can't help you either, because I don't test you.

Note because this still is a common misunderstanding: The DSM-5 says for example "Autism level 1: Requires support", but the support that's meant there has nothing to do with the support needs we're talking about in this and in the linked post. It's a little unfortunate that both say "support" because people always think it's the same when it really really isn't ☝🏼

"How should people who want to be friends with you in real life act, so that you're not overwhelmed?"

See, that's the main difference between my (severe) autism and most people on Tumblr. I'm not interested in real life friends. Chatting via messenger is the most relaxing kind of communication for me.

My parents, carers, accompanying people, etc. tell others exactly what to do or not to do so that I'm not overwhelmed. But you'd mostly speak to them instead of me anyway because direct contact is overwhelming.

"What's your opinion on this term/view/discourse/political topic/debate? Is [thing] offensive?"

I have a language disorder that makes it hard to understand the meaning of things and to connect the word to the meaning of the word. Unless it's a thing of my everyday life, I most likely won't understand this thing or I don't know anything about it.

I may sound quite articulate on here, but I have brain damage from birth; there are many things I don't understand, especially if it's in complex language.

I don't understand politics or money, and I don't understand laws on disability, unless they affect me personally and are those of my country.

------------------------

Personal questions start here

"Wait, you say you're Frisian, but I just saw a post where you said you're German. Are you both or what?"

I quote Wikipedia: "Frisia is a cross-border cultural region in Northwestern Europe. Stretching along the Wadden Sea, it encompasses the north of the Netherlands and parts of northwestern Germany."

My family on my dad's side is East Frisian & my family on my mum's side is North Frisian

By definition, North and East Frisia is in Germany

"Do you speak Frisian?"

Frisian isn't just one language. Google Translate may say "Frisian", but that's actually West Frisian of the Netherlands.

My dad's family speaks East Frisian Low German because the East Frisian language (except for Sater Frisian) is extinct

My mum's side lost their North Frisian language version because it was forbidden multiple times. It is actively revived, but my grandparents are too old to re-learn it successfully

I understand my dad's Low German, but I don't speak it myself

"I'm new to metal. Do you have recommendations?"

Here's a brief overview for beginners!

"How do you know so much about metal? 😮"

Both of my parents AND grandparents are metalheads; my "holiday long car rides" childhood nostalgia songs are mostly Thrash Metal and worse.

While my dad isn't autistic, he's definitely the one I got it from. He has hyperfixated on metal and metal bands since metal came into existence. And he loves to infodump.

Discovering new music is one of my interests. Music is my way to socialise and to understand the world, so when my family still was my only social contact, of course all of this research energy would flow into metal ��

[vhaerath]

hey whats it like to be autistic, i forgor

So honestly, I kind of sat on this message for a long time because I was going to make a jokey response, then I was going to make a serious response, but I couldn't think about how to word the serious response.

A couple days ago I was walking around outside in the rain, and I was thinking about how much I might like to have been walking around in the rain with my boyfriend. And (as you, the asker, know) my boyfriend lives pretty far away from me like on the other side of the continent in Michigan, and we don't get to see each other a lot. I like seeing my boyfriend and it's nice to talk to him and be friends with him, but I don't want to see him all the time. I think this is the kind of thing that most romantic couples feel like, except the most obnoxious ones, but people seem to think my general reticence even from my boyfriend is a little odd (although BF seems okay with it so far).

Anyway while I was thinking about walking in the rain with my boyfriend, I was thinking about how much nicer it could have been if he lived closer to me so that we could do activities together. If he was closer and came over, I I wouldn't feel obligated to act like a "host", rather than a girlfriend who would just want to sit and relax with her boyfriend.

But like most thoughts, that was a pretty brief one, so then I was thinking while I was walking in the rain about how much I might like to go back to Japan some day. And I thought to myself, sort of offhandedly; wouldn't it be badass if I could just sit in an AirBnB for a bit in Japan and play some video games, but I was in Japan, so I was enjoying video games in Japan? And I'd have the leisure to go outside and do whatever I wanted in Japan, but I'd also have the leisure to come back and decompress from my day (in Japan)?

That was when the thought about your ask came to me, and I realized the commonality between my Japan-thought and my boyfriend-thought. Wouldn't it be nice if I had the leisure and the time in order to fully relax in my situation, instead of being expected to make the most of the situation, and logically knowing that my situation was limited in scope, so I should make the most of it?

I think as I've become an adult I've gotten used to a lot of external stimuli that I'm really sensitive to, as an autistic person. Still the differences between me and a "neurotypical" person are obvious and more vast than is immediately discerned by how I present. Sometimes there are times when I'm on a vacation and I think, I can't wait to get back to my hotel room so I can hole myself up in there and read a book or stare at the computer or hide under the covers and do nothing for several hours. Logically I know that I'm probably not the only person to feel this way, and this probably isn't an exclusive autistic experience. Anecdotally, my relatives and even some of my friends will all completely shut off from the world beyond their vacation for a few days and be completely happy with plunging themselves into this new stimulating experience immediately. I am The Weird One for slowly dipping my toes into it and then immediately needing to get back out of the pool again.

So I guess that's how I describe autism; it being taxing to enjoy a new stimulating experience when you have access to it for a brief time, but knowing your limited time to enjoy it means taxing yourself is the only option. I have the impression that that's the disabled experience in general-- deciding between taxing yourself or missing out.

[butshesgotthespirit]

idk why I'm thinking about this but a lot of the criteria psychiatrists use to determine whether someone's autistic is based off of observable autistic behaviors. There's very little there that describes internal symptoms of autism, which would be easier for an autistic to identify than "trouble making friends" or "trouble understanding social roles" because often times, we don't know we have trouble with certain things.

So if I were a psychiatrist, here are some things I would ask to determine whether someone is autistic. Based on personal experiences and things I've observed in others.

Do flickering lights bother you? How do you feel when you look at flickering lights?

Is eye contact uncomfortable or painful for you?

Can you hear things like the refrigerator running or the buzzing of lights?

Does it take a while for your eyes to adjust to light?

Do you ever find yourself frustrated for a reason you can't understand? Even when nothing seems to be wrong?

Do you hear sounds like they're in the background, or all at once on the same threshold?

Do you have trouble understanding when a joke stops being funny?

Do people tell you you take things to literally?

Do you have a hard time interpreting how someone is feeling, even when looking at their body language?

How do you feel when people stare at you (usually bad)

Do you have any movements you like to do to calm you down?

Do things like seams, tags, or certain textures really bother you?

Do you find comfort in sitting in different ways, as opposed to one way?

Do you get so overwhelmed that you have a hard time controlling your emotions?

Do you try to explain yourself even after people have told you to stop, just in case they need extra details later?

Do you like to repeat words or phrases because they feel good in your mouth? (it sounds weird but if you're autistic or adhd it probably makes sense)

This is just off the top of my head and is not indicative of everything an autistic might experience, so feel free to add your own! When I got diagnosed and had to answer a bunch of questions, I was only able to answer some accurately because I know how my behaviors are perceived to an onlooker - not an inherent skill of mine.

[anxiety-banana]

i have a rant of the day for y'all about neurodiversity, autism, and stimming. i've been seeing a lot of people get mad about either talking about these things or tagging them appropriately.

disclaimer: i do not have an autism diagnosis. i have not researched enough to claim a valid self diagnosis. i still use the terms neurodiversity, stimming, and autism in relation to my experiences.

i truly believe you can relate to something attributed to autism, and use the term that fits it, without needing to be autistic. just my opinion here! as long as it helps you identify something that's prevalent in your life, (respectfully) do with it what you will :) i stim and have a couple major special interests, but i don't have an autism diagnosis. that doesn't mean i can't use the terms stimming or special interests to describe experiences i have. i tag a lot of related posts with autism and neurodiversity because i know they're commonly attributed, and i get a lot of positive feedback from those communities.

i don't claim to have autism, but i do have a lot of stims! i have what i know to be hyperfixations, and i have a few major sensory issues. just because i use these terms to describe everyday experiences, does not mean i claim to have an autism diagnosis. i call myself neurodiverse because i truly believe i am! i'm not like neurotypical people: i have a really hard time in loud environments, and have to wear noise cancelling earbuds to even think about interacting with people; i can't fall asleep without tiring myself out enough so i won't stim; when you ask me about star wars, i will happily explain every movie, fan theory, and fanfiction i have ever interacted with, because it got me through some of the hardest years of my life and i have come to know everything about it.

idk. it just makes me sad when people get hostile about it. i know i don't have the right to claim autism without a better basis for a self diagnosis, but i do think i have the right to associate with similar experiences such as stimming and sensory issues. for lack of a better term, they're symptoms; they're not a diagnosis. i can gather from my own experiences put against other first hand experiences that i am neurodiverse in some sense of the word. i have seen others experience this exact problem and i just want to hug them and tell them i understand.

i really wish the environment around this all could be kinder. it's a weird middle ground to be in.

[wardenmages]

tiktok is great because I can watch people have the exact same autism community discourse that was happening on tumblr a decade ago, this time with a face and a voice attached to the person with (in their own words and admission) fewer support needs telling me what words I'm allowed to use to describe my experiences while saying any high support needs autistics who disagree with them aren't the Real autistics they're talking about, the autistics who can't speak or type or sign or communicate at all are the only Real autistics who can decide, but since those people can't communicate, they will advocate in their place (and just say what they wanted to anyway, declaring it the Real autistic opinion)

and it ends up just being a lot of people yelling at people with high support needs for not "looking" autistic enough to have an opinion, a ton of black&white thinking where terms can only have One Single Definition that Never Changes and can Never be used in any other context ever, and no one on any side even listens to high support needs autistics unless they agree with the side they already decided they're on (and barely then), and everything goes downhill from there

I'm typing this here so I don't yell at people in tiktok comments 🥰

[malorisaurus]

My therapist makes me use a feelings list because I have an extremely difficult time recognizing feelings or even that I have a body at all. Anyway, today I got frustrated because "angry" wasn't precise enough, and so I had to look at the list and give a more precise word. I blurted out, "What is the difference between enraged and furious, aren't those synonyms for the same feeling??!?!"

She responded simply, "you get to decide."

I shit you not my brain short circuited and I still don't know what the fuck that means. You...get to decide what words mean? THAT IS NOT HOW LANGUAGE WORKS?!?!!!! Isn't there supposed to be a shared understanding of feelings that we all mutually agree upon so that we can use language with as much precision as is possible (which is not much because we are all a bunch of little weirdos with wildly different thinkers)?

Also, a friend described their experience with therapy, and it is counter to this interaction. Her therapist would say, "Choose a word that 100 people would agree upon if they were here to witness this circumstance." This was an exercise in describing a circumstance, not a feeling, but I think that it has some merit here. Because if you can't have that consensus, then that indicates that you are intellectualizing your feelings and trying to ascribe meaning to the circumstance. This urge to create narrative obscures the circumstances as they are and keeps you trapped within the story you tell yourself about the circumstance. So I feel that the goal with expressing feelings would be similar but instead focused on intellectualizing the meaning of words instead of focusing on the feeling itself. DO I JUST NOT UNDERSTAND THE ASSIGNMENT?

Additionally, how is that useful to her if I am just…over here deciding that those words mean the same things or different things if she is just...making assumptions about what I mean when I am saying them?

HERE, THE SYSTEM BREAKS DOWN!

I feel like I just had a Wizard-of-Oz-man-behind-the-curtain moment.

This is where conventional therapy really breaks down for me. I have a diagnosis of AuDHD (this therapist does not do diagnostics, but is a trauma specialist—my diagnosing therapist referred me to her). She seems to view all of my experiences through the lens of trauma: that I will no longer experience these things (or at least as severely) when the CPTSD is treated. This is difficult for me because I just don't agree that Autism and ADHD are simply biproducts of trauma, or that it is useful to try to extrapolate where one ends and another begins. How would one even propose to do this?

There comes a point where these types of therapeutic tools seem wildly obtuse and useless to me. I will say that I have been able to identify more feelings in a limited capacity. But I do think it would be more useful to be able to express, "I have a weak/medium/strong sense of anger because *insert context here*" than to insist upon a seemingly arbitrary use of ever more granular vocabulary? Also, when pressed, I can feel my body more reliably now. I am on the fence about whether NOT feeling my body is always dissociative, and I am adamant (despite what the therapist recognizes) that there should be a category of neutral states to use in place of emotions where appropriate.

But I guess I get to fucking decide, so now I am just going to tell her that sorry. I decided there are neutral states. You empowered me to this and now you have no choice. 😌

[threenorth]

Trying to find the right techniques to combat a relapse can be quite difficult.

this work phone based councilor was trying to tell me about how we try break up the thoughts into logical pecies.

I told her the unfortunate thing is I think with my autism I am already very logical and with anxiety it just spirals, but I need to try control my type of thinking.

I need to remember to try ground myself, and she asked how I've done that before and I explained before I've used coke as it's a good grounding device, because it tastes the same roughly around the world and she laughed but liked the rational behind it.

So she said that during my axenity I should drink a can of coke and try doing this 5 4 3 2 1 technique.

So here's for trying that next time my thoughts get out of control but right now with the lorzopam I'm pretty good in single thoughts and it's such a fucking rellf like brain air.

I really can't even describe how great it feels not to have so much racing around my head all the time even with adhd.

My psychtraist called to say they have a cancelation for tomorrow, maybe we're talk about my axenity was beginning to throw me over? Or do we start trials? Or I don't know but I'm not fighting my stability for now, but that can change rather quickly.

* a few hours after lunch as I forgot to press send *

Some rambles of poetry in my noggin.

Materialistic items for a spiritual meaning.

I'd buy you flowers when I'm sorry, I'd sneeze because I forgot my antihistamines and you'll bring me a tissue.

I'd buy you coffee when I'm feeling cold and I need your warm heart to soothe me, I'd probably burn my hands forrgeting to double cup if it's from Joe's.

I'd buy you soap on main street, when I feel spirituality and mentally dirty where you can put a spell on the soap to cleanse my auroa.

I'd buy you a new blanket or a sweater from the thrift, to keep you warm when you feel cold because you have a warm aura around you.

I'd buy you medicine when my words can't heal you.

I'd buy you dinner at the local vegan restaurant but we would fight over 50/50 you'll buy the whole thing and I'd have to try get the next one.

I'm trying to learn how to carry 180 lbs on my shoulders so when you can't walk anymore, I'll be able to Carry you.

Maybe soon with my mind calming down I'll learn to drive so if you couldn't drive, I'll take you to boonies to see the stars.

You guide me to the places I need to go, if only I understood what she ment and tell me the words of wisdom that came with yours, these hold me on the path, that smile can send me places mentally and spiritually.

I don't know when, you might come back knocking but you said go live your life and I told you I can't without you but my doors open,

maybe next time we're be in the right place and the right time,

I said I could wait forever but patience is something I'm still looking for it's hard with adhd when every hour feels like a week sometimes even a month, in this journey of rediscovering the parts of me I lost, more pecies and other areas again where you planted me flowers, there is much to do and it's progressing none the less

In other rbles it seems my surprise has landed in the country but I don't think it won't come before the 25th as they say there's a 7-14 day mail delivery delay. So you'll know when I get it because it's going to be so simple yet so stupid.

I want to say many things,

Into the spiritual connection void of,

I don't know how your doing mentally or physically but know I think about you still all the time but less often as I'm not currently in grief.

But it will be a token for a token,

Maybe my elf will see it for what it is, and not as blind as I was because I was in darkness trying to shutdown anything to do with my pain as it was all to much.

.

So hard to move on, When you're down in a hole

Where there's so little chance,To experience soul

For giving me hope While I'm looking to see

I'm grateful to anyone, That is happy or 'free'

The light that has lighted the world

You probably will see the dream where your spiritual light has led me to the light and this song is something I am thinking about as I read the teaching of enlightenment from the krishinas.

I plan at some stage soon to cutt my hair and beard off, for various reasons but it's like a powerful message like a feminist or to me that this pain is temporary more stoicism but also to go through pain and remind me things like pain are temporarily like a stotic,

to cutt off the things few I like about myself, because I grew it out all because of the image of what I want to be but I build it in the wrong order, and energy but also it's some of the few things I like about myself as my hair takes forever to grow out, as you might seeand I say I don't care what people think about me and I guess with my axeity calming down I won't be so mentally wrecked, and by then I'll have something to help me on my path of spiritually and mentally growth.

And even if Jamie can be a dick sometimes and might not ever be able to grow his hair out again I wanted him to know that I would do it because he would know the significance, given his battle with lymphoma cancer that I too understand his pains.

If you do read these my dear, do you remember when I told you that I like your hair no matter what ways it comes, I won't dislike you less because your bald, you should try do some research the correct way to get it cutt it so you can donate it to people who might want real hair wigs as per their cancer recovery and your hair is beautiful blonde perfect in every way, you can be bald and I would love you all the same.

Who knows what we will find, But when I'm bald I don't really know what pains I'm going to endure.

Or what people will think that doesn't change given my battles being in a Nerotypical world but when these battles or challenges come, they will help me on the path from exile to enlightenment.

It's just arranging all the pecies and I'm working on the frame my dear, good things take time but hopefully not 7 years.

Missing you always, having your photo close (ish) ((well it's actually locked behind a password given what you look like)) and is easy I would hope for you that guess the password but, if not I'll have a hint soon enough, but I hope in my ups and downs you will have some better photos of me in the past little while, as I don't like selfies the one on the bed with my green eyes and big as moons after a long flight I thought how comfortable this bed was, maybe my scorpio night moon self reflection of how comfortable your spirit is to feel it's presence when you sing to me to sleep.

[hxspitalforsxuls]

Little Hummingbird | E.M

Pairing: Eddie Munson x Autistic!Gn!reader

Words: 1,3k

Summary: When you're happy you can't help but flap your arms like a "little hummingbird" (or that's how Eddie has seen it since you were kids) and finding your favorite book in the bookstore window won't save you from your happy stimming.

Content warnings: autistic!reader, a lots of happy stimming, pet names, just pure fluff with Eddie, my bad English and writing (this needs a warning too, clearly).

Notes: The reader is not physically described, and I tried to make this gender neutral. Let me know if some part I messed with the pronouns or something. Like a reminder, Autism is a spectrum, so every experience and characteristics are different. I wrote this based in my own experience because when I am excited, I tend to do a lot of happy stims.

★゜・。。・゜☆゜・。。・゜★゜・。。・☆゜・。。・゜

After school finished today, you and Eddie decided to go for a walk around town since you didn't have anything planned for the day. Maybe you could go to the bookstore or go get your favorite ice cream, knowing that it would be a sunny day.

You are happy today, the day was sunny, but not "so" sunny that the sun hurts yours eyes like it does when is too bright; you were listening to your favorite cassette in Eddie's van, a mixtape that he made with all the song that remind him of you; And the most important thing of all, you were with Eddie, and everything was better if you were next to him.

"What's in your little head, sweetheart? You haven't stopped looking at me" he chuckles pocking your cheek with his finger. "I'm just happy to be with you, and I really like watching you drive" you blushed a little while you said that, not used to says the thoughts in your head out loud. But Eddie made you feel comfortable with that... Well, at least sometimes. "You are a perv, babe, you like to watch me? You will not start spying me in my sleep or something?" You giggled knowing that he is just messing with you by the tone in his voice and the cheesy grin that he has in his mouth.

"Love you too, darling" he says looking at you with the corner of his eyes as he drives. You didn't really tell him that recently, but he knows that with your recent actions you were trying to say it to him, knowing that it's hard for you to say somethings out loud. And he knows you, he knows when you are upset or when you are happy just by looking at your face and knows that you loved him more than anything even if you don't say it out loud too often. It's not necessary because he knows.

Soon the van was parked at the lot and Eddie ran to open your door before you did it, he loves doing that. "Thank you, gentleman" you say with a smile on your face as you take his hand to help you out of the van. "Where do you wanna go first? We can go get an ice cream, or to the bookstore, or to the music store" You never were a decision-maker, but you really want to go to the bookstore to see if your favorite book is in stock now, because you've been looking for it for weeks.

"Can we go see the books?" you ask shyly, not sure if that's what he want to do. But he soon brushes away all your worries with a "Of course, love" as he takes your hand and drag you to the store. That's when you see it, placed in the middle of the showcase was the book you were looking for. It was even a hardback special edition that looked beautiful.

You let out a squeal of delight as you run, dragging Eddie with you until you reach the store window. "Babe, babe, babe" you say excitedly as your body bounces and your hands flaps at both sides of your body. "It's the book, it's my favorite book right there!" you're too excited to care about the people watching at you while you do your happy stims. Eddie looks at you with an amused look, grabbing you by your shoulders and jumping with you a little to join you in your happiness.

When you first met him, you were worried that he would look at you like a weirdo or get embarrassed when you "flap" your hands or bounces around on pointy feet, but he showed you otherwise. Every time you do your happy stims, he would bounce a little with you or he would repeat the noises you make, and if you were anxious, he would wrap you in his arms and rock you side to side to calm you down, and let you play with his rings if you need it.

Even, when you were kids, he gave you the nickname "Little Hummingbird" because he pointed out that when you were excited you would flap your arms as fast as one of those bird moves its wings. You don't discuss that with him, because you really like the nickname, but he doesn't have to know it.

"You ready, Hummingbird? Let's go inside to get you that book" he says with a smile on his face as he puts his hand in your cheek, admiring your happiness. God, he was totally head over heels for you. You started to nod repeatedly, your neck would probably hurt later, but you don't care, your favorite book is waiting for you inside that store. In your excitement you don't really notice that Eddie is getting closer to your face to give you a kiss, so you leave him with his eyes closed and lips pressed into the air as you run straight to the bookstore.

When he opens his eyes, you were already gone, seeing only a blurry silhouette of you as you enter the store forgetting your companion. He chuckled as shook his head, knowing that the only thought on your mind right now was buying the book.

He quickly enters behind you, looking for you at the store aisles. Soon he sees a head appearing and disappearing at the top of a bookshelf, as you keep bouncing up and down while you looked for the book in the section that the employee told you.

"I feel abandoned, love" he pouts at you when he reaches your side, but you are too focused on the search to catch what he says, so you just give him a small kiss on the cheek and take his hand in yours for him to accompany you on your mission.

"I found it!" you say after a while, a little louder that you expected, as people in the other aisles look at you, but you don't care, you finally have the book in your arms. You bounce with it as Eddie grabs your shoulder and guides you to the cash desk. When you finally get there and put the book on desk, Eddie pulls his wallet out of his back pocket ready to pay for it, but you stop him.

"Hey! It's my book, I must pay for it" you say as you frown and cross your arms in front of your chest. You're not angry, but you don't want him to spend his money on things for you, knowing that everything he does for you is already too much, and that edition would probably cost a lot of money. "Baby, I know how much you want it and I want to pay for it as a gift. Take it as an anniversary present" he winks at you as you try to process what he says. Your anniversary is nowhere near on the calendar, but you don't have time to argue because when you open your mouth, he is already receiving the bag from the employee thanking her and saying goodbye as he starts to push you towards the exit with a triumphant smile on his face.

"Let's put that bag in the van and go get you an ice cream to celebrate our non-anniversary" he smiles at you as you stand next to him and walk hand in hand to the parked van.

Soon you where outside the store, still frowning at Eddie's smile. "Happy non-anniversary, little Hummingbird" he says as he boop your nose with his finger and hands you the gift bag with the book inside. "Now I think I deserve a kiss, don't you think?" he grins. You are not a big fan of public demonstrations of love but at this moment you let yourself be carried away by the happiness and love you feel.

The book fades into the background as you wrap your arms around his neck and kiss him trying to express all your gratitude, not only for the book, but for the patience and for everything he does for you. You say a little "Thank you, love" on his lips, and he moves his kisses to your forehead muttering a little "Anything for you".

[self-loving-vampire]

Narcissistic abuse is a real thing, it fucks you up for life and narcissistic abusers always get away with it. Check out Dr. Ramani who is a specialist and focuses on helping survivors and educating them. She also talks about narcissism and autism because some of y'all can't be fucking trusted with big words and can't understand that autism and narcissism are rather unlikely to occur together (not impossible tho).

Can you explain how it is meaningfully different from the behavior of abusers who don't have NPD?

The things people like that doctor describe tend to be things that abusers in general do. In fact, they sometimes amount to being a basic definition of what abuse is.

The consequences of "narcissistic abuse" are also a checklist for the consequences of abuse in general.

For example, this article "helpfully" describes narcissistic abuse as being selfish and involving the use of words and actions to control someone's behavior and emotional state.

But this is literally just a generic definition of what interpersonal abuse is! It's not a trait specific to only one special subtype of abuse, it's general and it is inaccurate to blame that kind of behavior on a rare disorder when it is considered normal and even good in many societies.

While there are ways in which literally any factor affecting someone's mind (including more sympathetic conditions like anxiety or PTSD) could theoretically lead to abusive behavior, the bulk of it is the result of social norms that enable and support it.

For example, the norms that demand obedience and submission from children and reward control and authoritarianism in parents. These norms could not exist if they relied on a small percentage of mentally ill people. They are normalized, in my country they even used the Bible to justify corporal punishment of children as a means to shape them into decent people.

My father even personally believed that he would go to Hell if he did not train me to submit to him, and also that I would become spoiled and evil if he did not do that.

The article also talks about the consequences of "narcissistic abuse": Anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress, loss of sense of self, loss of self-worth, guilt, physical and cognitive problems, trust issues, and so on.

This, too, is a list of effects you can reasonably expect from abuse in general. I have experienced all of those things myself.

So, if there doesn't seem to be much of a difference between narcissistic abuse and just abuse, either in actions or effects, I am skeptical of the term being useful.

It always really seemed to be more of a pop psych thing people were encouraged to armchair-diagnose every bad person in their lives with even though this is absolutely not necessary considering the existing definitions of abuse cover their experiences perfectly well and the term only serves to further demonize the survivors who develop NPD (which can be the result of trauma) by equating them to their abusers.

[geekysciencemom]

I have synesthesia (having multiple sensory systems firing at the same time). For the longest time I thought everyone experienced the world like this - tasting and smelling colors and sensing colors with people (this would be called an aura in some circles). Some people associate colors with numbers or letters, even see the colors. I feel colors.

I also have alexithymia (struggle to label my own emotions and those of others). Words don't seem enough to describe feelings and emotions. Using colors, shapes, and imagery to describe my feelings and emotions is much easier for me than using specific terms.

I am a very tactile person and I feel music. I interpret my surroundings by touch. I do not know what it is like to have sensory filters. I hear, smell, see everything. It can become a jumbled mess in my head causing processing slow downs. It can become too much leading to overload.

I bump into things, because I can't tell where my body is moving in the space around me. This is proprioception. I get dizzy a lot, because I can't tell which direction my head is (up or down). This is vestibular sense. Touch helps me stay grounded. It helps me know where my body and head are in space. I prefer to be in a reclining position, because my head and body are in contact with a supporting structure helping my brain know where I am in relation to my environment. Reclining also reduces my physical discomfort (all my various injuries).

I am constantly seeking safety. It is rare for me to feel comfortable. My super power is my nonfiltered sensory systems, but this super power can also be debilitating. I was predisposed to developing PTSD. In my case, it morphed into Complex-PTSD.

"The Intense World Theory is the first neurobiological explanation for autism that has been verified by the lived experience of autistic people. We have more neuronal branching than neurotypical people which means more opportunities for connection between parts of the mindbody that may not typically connect. This can result in biological dysfunctions as well as giftedness and synesthesia.

Hyper-plasticity predisposes us to have strong associative reactions to trauma. Our threat-response learning system is turned to high alert. The flip side of this hyper-plasticity is that we also adapt quickly to environments that are truly safe for our nervous system. Our glimmer detectors and positive-sensation receptors are also turned way up."

[five-thousand-loaves-of-bread]

49, 32, 4

No rush to answer fast, btw. love seeing your posts, too.

questions

4. Are you LGBTQIA+?

yes!! widely identify as queer because labels are really complicated, plus have really hard time describe my abstract feelings with words, so queer is always close n dear to my heart.

more specifically, am trans and non-binary, although non-binary is also one of those umbrella identities that. for me i don't know how else to describe gender experiences (do i have gender? if i do, how it like? etc). it vast and abstract. probably would relate/identify with neopronouns and xenogenders if have less language troubles less trouble w understanding abstract concepts and translating own abstract feelings into words.

romantic n sexual orientation wise. don't really know too. but think have some level of aro/ace and m-spec (bi, etc) mixed together. at the beginning of this blog, reblog lots of aro stuff! (please don't go dig for it ahaha)

also am system. so that complicate things even more. overall am very complicated :o

32. What are your same foods?

it changes depending on where i am and what i have access to because change location a lot. can't cook so others prepare food for me, and sometimes don't have control over it.

at college, change menu every day, but usually have honeydew melon and also the orange melon, sometimes pineapples. usually eat a BIGGGG plate of that each meal.

at partner! have more flexibility. grilled cheese good.

but entire life biggest same food. is this 鱼泉榨菜 with rice (in the US you all have to specify sticky rice? but in my mind sticky rice is a whole separate thing, more desserty like what you would see in zong zi. anyway you all US white people weird)

49. What's something you find hard to do because of autism?

lots lots lots of things to be honest. like all language and communication. speech with mouth words very hard so use AAC communication device 95% of time. but not just speech, but all language and communication.

and also understand abstract language abstract concept mentioned above. and putting own abstract thoughts into words. so communication again.

have very difficult time understand other people perspective. have hard time understanding and remembering other people don't feel what i feel don't know what i know. like don't understand what other people think what other people feel. need them tell me explicitly, but even that, only know it as fact and don't know what to do with it. for example when partner say something i do made them upset, would think everything was fine before they told me, and after tell me, don't know what to do with it what i should do etc.

and many many more but too much to remember ahaha

thank you for questions!!

[faustandfurious]

Is it weird to say it seems like the "identity" marketing techniques are especially dangerous to neurodivergent people (I can only speak from the perspective of ADHD/autism/OCD/BPD, other people like schizo-spec people may feel differently)?

It's just, especially in my personal experience identity is so both transient and ... I can't think of the word but vague I guess? Like I don't have a strong grasp on my personal identity so I cling to stuff I can use to define it. It's why I like microlabels so much, because they pin down bits of the butterfly swarm in my head neatly to a corkboard (though that's an imperfect analogy because labeling aspects of myself doesn't hurt me or those parts of me). Saying "I'm nonbinary, pangender, genderfluid, with xenogenders" sounds to a lot of people like label collecting, but to me it's just making my personal self more concrete. That's leaving aside the fact that due to mirroring I often feel like a metaphorical chameleon.

It's why I try at least to be careful about more material identities. I don't always succeed (I collect Rainbow High dolls and not being able to do that permanently would be really hard) but if I can say "I like x piece/series of media, that's who I am RIGHT NOW, but I can let go of that at any point if this thing becomes unhealthy" then I've noticed it creates some distance between my core identity and the "stuff I like" outer ring which ... yeah idk my point kinda got lost here in between "I do like identifying by some of these things still but I'm careful about it" and "I worry that as a neurodivergent person I'm especially susceptible but that doesn't change that desire. Sorry X')

Yes, this is an excellent point. Not sure if the BPD you mention is borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder (I've seen it used for both, though technically it should only be used for borderline to avoid confusion), but if it's borderline, then experiencing instability in your identity/sense of self is one of the core symptoms, and as you describe, external identity markers can help when it comes to coping with the confusion around who you really are.

Bipolar disorder may also come with shifts in perceived identity correlating with depressive or (hypo)manic episodes, and then there is the added component of the (hypo)mania induced need to start new projects or re-invent yourself, and the lowered threshold for uncritical spending of large amounts of money.

ADHD and autism may indeed leave you susceptible to marketing that targets your current hyperfixation or one of your special interests.

That being said, a lot of the people I've seen buy into these lifestyle/identity marketing gimmicks are also (as far as I know) pretty darn neurotypical. The thing with having a diagnosed mental illness or neurodivergence is that it might even make you extra aware of your own susceptibility to these things, since you're perhaps already in the habit of distrusting your knee-jerk reactions and cognitive biases. For some people, neurodivergence comes with a side of nonconformism, which may either make you more resistant to conforming to some marketed identity, or make you more susceptible to subculture/counterculture identity marketing.

So really it can go both ways, and for everyone, neurodivergent or otherwise, the important thing is to take a step back every now and then and question their own assumptions, biases and actions. We are all, to some extent, products of external factors, our environments, our interests. The core identity is a work in progress, it's something you develop through lived experience and in interaction with others. And it's alright to hyperfixate, alright to focus on the things that really interest you. Just remember to question whether your purchases are motivated by genuine interest or need, or by some industry or corporation trying to sell you a particular lifestyle.

[notabled-noodle]

idk if i'm wording this right but it's kind of hard to tell what support level you are if you have multiple conditions and it doesn't seem super concrete which one someone can be.

there are definitely things i'd be considered low support needs for (speaking with mouth in full sentences mostly fine, using tone of voice and facial expressions when it helps get the point across, academically inclined, earlier development in reading/speaking, able to live alone), and that needs to be acknowledged, but there are more things that would place me as mid support (can barely understand speech, taking things literally/figure of speech issues, extremely low tolerance for sensory info and change, if anything goes wrong loses speech completely without warning, unable to be left alone in public, no eye contact or even looking in the person's general direction, absolutely awful fine motor development, constantly stimming in ways that make it obvious that i'm autistic, unable to mask, can't get a job, executive dysfunction, etc).

i think a part of this is the other stuff i have (me/cfs, adhd, mental illness), but either way it demonstrates to me that none of these are super concrete anyway. i can't really say i'm mid support because i'm mostly speaking (85% of the time now i live alone), my growing up/diagnosis experience was exactly that of lower support people, and a lot of my lower support traits are the ones people base support levels off. but i don't really relate to low support people as much either because the things they describe for their daily life are so different to me and i can't really relate because my support needs aren't low enough to count.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that when discussing support needs we need to consider the whole person? and that not everyone fits neatly into 3 boxes any more than they fit into 2.

– someone who's been called 'low support' this entire time by the people who actively do the mid tier supporting

PS sorry this is so long and also sorry if i sound like i'm whining or showing my low support ignorance or something /gen

yeah, I get what you mean. I’ll probably have higher support needs as I age, and as my chronic illnesses become harder to manage. not just because of my chronic illness, but because I also find my autism harder to manage when my body is in pain. trauma plays a huge part in my support needs as well.

things are a lot more complicated than people think. the support needs labels don’t work for absolutely everyone, and there are definitely people who fall between the cracks. there are many people who don’t get the support they need, because even some people who work with autism don’t fully understand the range of support needs a person may have.

it also should be acknowledged that “mid support needs” is a huge category. it covers people who can do “complex” tasks, but none of the “basic” ones, but it also covers people who need a medium amount of support with all kinds of tasks. those two experiences are very different from each other, and those people will have very different perspectives to each other.

the other thing is that support needs can and will change over a person’s lifetime. extreme cases of autistic burnout can irreversibly increase a person’s support needs, making them go from low support to mid-high support. those are experiences that matter too.

I guess the TLDR is that people do need to remember that the autistic community is diverse, and has a diverse range of needs and experiences

[miaulogy]

Hello Michi!! Feel free to answer this or not, but what is it like for you to be an autistic person? I'm making/drawing/writing an autistic character and I'm gathering as much info as i can to not cross any bounderies/not be problematic/not be stereotypical. Thank you :)

thanks for asking! i'm really happy you're doing research :3 /gen

so, my experience isn't the same as every autistic person's of course, so if any autistic person doesn't relate that doesn't mean they're faking! we're all different ^^ /gen

i think that as a child, i would get angry REALLY easily, i couldn't control my anger well at all and my mom would just lock me up in my room to not have to deal with me

so, my first reaction would be to break stuff like my books and throw things like pillows across the room

but i've learned to control my anger a lot better now! sometimes i just take a bath and cry a little and i feel a whole lot better :]

i also feel like i can't really understand when people are being serious and when they're joking, my grandma sometimes makes jokes when talking to me and i don't really get if they're jokes or if she actually means it, yk?

i also play a lot with my fingers and can't seem to focus on one thing at a time; when a teacher is talking, i can't just look at them and take all the information, i always have to look at them while doing something else with my hands

so, to do that i focus on the main thing i have to do: listening to my teacher, but if i try to only focus on them i will eventually have thoughts that will distract me from listening because i always do two things at the same time (in this case, listening and thinking), so i play with my hands to replace the thinking part with something less distracting that allows me to listen

does that make sense? lolol ^^"

anyways, when i get interested in something i can't stop thinking of it, a new show comes into my life and i relate everything i do and see to it, seemingly being unable to get it out of my head

that's actually great for creating content, it's really easy for me to make drawings and headcanons when hyperfixated on that thing, but it's very common for me to have trouble sleeping because my mind can't shut up about my fave characters, i usually lay on my bed completely tired and about to sleep but then all the thoughts about my hyperfixation come all at once and i'm completely exhausted physically but mentally i can't stop thinking!! it has taken me hours just to fall asleep, or even close my eyes :(

and oh god!! the sensory issues!!! /neg

i remember being a 7 year old lil guy and scratching the (cement) wall of my room, oh god that made me want to pull my nails off!! i hate the texture of cement walls, i can't pass my fingers through them without biting my tongue and stuff, it's just such a terrible texture! it feels so dry!!

i also remember having trouble with putting on my uniform, i had (and still have) to use a white sweater that had a texture so bad that it would make me cry whenever my mom tried to put it on me! it's a dry texture similar to cement wall's, since i had to pass it through my head to put it on it would asphyxiate me! i simply couldn't stand wearing it, i usually go to school with a random black sweater and with my school's jacket over it (we have a sweater and a jacket with the logo and we can choose which to wear)

on the gender part, i think autism has really affected my way of interpreting it

like, gender is a social construct, and i get why people identify as women or men or non-binary or something else entirely, or maybe in between some of these, but it's hard to get it for myself, especially as a plural

you see, everyone describes knowing their gender in a very complex way, but i just see the words "boy", "enby", and "xenic" and they make me happy, and that's just it, yk?

but if someone asked me what a boy is, what an enby is, or what a xenic is and why i identify as such, i couldn't answer, because i just really don't know JDJSJKS

hmm, i think that would be pretty much it, i really can't separate myself from any of my disorders, they're simply part of who i am ^_^

thanks for reading, have a nice day! /gen

[ollierachnid]

Agent 47 being autistic coded; a post ( that ive tried to write about seven times ). And yes I am autistic, so this comes from a desire for representation and my own experiences and isn't just a NT extrapolating a headcanon based upon a list of vague traits found online. I'm a fan of lists so I'm gonna use one to explain my reasoning and why people who claim it's Bad Representation or that it can't be canon are wrong.

Generally huge chunks of 47's development and arc as a character revolve heavily about the deconstruction of Ort-Meyers hypothesis that he created a human being that did not feel emotions or form connections or have autonomy. Because he didn't, as Ort-Meyer based his presumptions on; a) his own biased perspective, research and his clones' upbringing, b) an extrapolation from 47's -- largely autistic coded -- traits, which he misinterpreted as a luck of humanity. I doubt it was intentional, but this is a surprisingly apt tackling of the perception of autistic people as the "heartless genius with completely no feelings" type. As while 47 has traits that make him seem this way, his personal growth displays that he is far from that.

47 having so many autistic traits, a comprehensive list of one's I came up with off the top of my head:

Finding it hard to make friends or preferring to be on own; this is a very obvious trait in 47's character. He has very few friends and actively avoids other people, particularly those who seem to irritate him despite their friendliness ( Smith being a key example or this ).

Seeming blunt, rude or not interested in others; Smith and 47's handshake scene. It could very well just be an inability to read " obvious social rules " as Smith does little aside hold his hand out to indicate the action he wants, 47 simply may have not read well and walked off ( hey man, it happens ).

Finding it hard to express emotions; 47 doesn't express emotions verbally very well. He experiences numerous, has flashbacks due to his childhood trauma and more, but even when confronted by someone close to him who is asking about his emotions in concern he does not actually rely how is feeling, and instead describes what he is experiencing ( in his usual fashion ) instead. "Are you alright?" "-It comes back in flashes" and then a very basic list of names for feelings. It is often easier for autistic people, myself very much included, to explain emotion via the narrative events resulting in them instead of the feelings in of themselves or just using one word descriptors to get by. 47's couples with his dissociation from his childhood emotions, due to forced repression.

Stronger attachment to animals; all you have to look at is 47's desire to have pets when possible and how he engages with them in comparison to his attitude with other people. As a child, despite his trauma, he manages to establish an attachment to a lab rabbit ( multiple rabbits in the comics ) and maintain these affectionate connections until they die.

Monotonous speech and lack of inflection; 47 can convey emotions when actively putting on a character or attitude on missions, but so can quite a lot of autistic people. It's often called "masking" and it's a phenomenon where an autistic person consciouslly acts "more neurotypically" to fit in. And it is evident by 47's awkwardly, forced sarcastic humour that this is not his natural dictation. When speaking amongst allies, 47's delivery is equally as monotonous as to enemies, his natural manner of speech is "bland".

Getting very upset or uncomfortable if someone touches or gets too close; 47 seems willing to let a couple of people max touch him -- that being Diana and Victoria, plus Lucas to a slightly lesser extent, all of these people are those who he knows and is comfortable with. Whilst on the other hand the likes of Lei/Mei Ling, who after kissing/hugging 47 abruptly has him immediately reel back, despite his sympathy for her. He does not like touch from people, even those who he has a substantial amount of positive emotions for. This also includes Smith, who 47 reluctantly rescues, but develops into actively saving him even when unnecessary; he is not keen on contact even as mild as handshake.

Preferably to plan things carefully before doing them; the overachievers short story essentially establishes that, canonically, 47's modus operandi is extravagant, expertly pre planned hits. He seems to ( according to Soders and Diana ) favour these, especially in comparison to other agents, to which it does not come naturally. (NT trying to understand a ND's thinking)

Having a lack off or little empathy; I want to preface that a lack of empathy is not a lack of sympathy or an inability to feel compassion, empathy is an entirely different sensation that some autistic people don't have, 47 is one of them. A key example of this is 47's lack of empathy for other clones with similar experiences: specifically agent 17 ( his biological brother ) and Mark Parchezzi, both of who he murders. While both of these men were bred by malevolent groups and raised to kill; Mark in a more extreme sense than even 47. He seems to be unable to conjure up empathy for people who he does not have an established connection or a need to keep them alive long enough to form the sympathetic connections that he is capable of. This is true to quite a lot of people with autism, it is hard to empathise to someone you don't know, regardless of how intertwined your situations are.

Debunking one of the reasons why 47 would "not make good autistic rep"

"47 doesn't have emotions, which creates a bad stereotype". This isn't even a problem with the reasoning, if 47 was an emotionless being I'd actually agree with you. But instead this criticism is more so a fundamental misunderstanding of 47 as a character, because he is not emotionless by any extent of the definition, he lacks empathy but that doesn't reduce his ability to have sympathy or show compassion, nor does it really reduce any other emotion that he posses. 47 gets visibly angry ( blood money after diana injects him, absolution at travis, damnation.. throughout just that whole book ), he shows compassion towards people that he doesn't have to regularly ( victoria, emilio, smith ) and that extends to animals too. If 47's character was more reminiscent of this "human robot" trope - say, he bore more resemblance to one of his brothers: 17, then I would understand. But he doesn't. He's just a monotonous autistic coded man.