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#and I know that was meant to be supportive or something but what the fuck are lesbian vibes
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[🍪] chocolate chip cookie, includes; a fic inspired by a song of your choice!
maybe frat!rafe or either dealer!rafe (👀) with friends by chase atlantic😁😁😁😁😁😁😁they’re at a party and all her friends are fucked up and yk HAKSJDKD
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₊˚⊹ᰔ 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬
pairing: dealer!rafe x fem!reader
summary: ❝all of your friends have been here for too long, they must be waiting for you to move on. girl, i’m not with it, i’m way too far gone.❞ — after confessing his feelings for you, rafe gets nervous and leaves you the following morning. now you two are at a party, and he isn’t leaving without you.
warnings: friends w benefits au, mentions of drinking and dealing of drugs, arguing, suggestive ending
word count: 0.7k
a/n: wrote this with s2 rafe in mind..
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you were the only sober one at this party. along with rafe, who never drank when he was dealing, and vowed to never get high on his own supply. you knew he’d be here— a party wasn’t a party if rafe wasn’t serving up people in the corner of the living room. you stared at him from a distance, his eyes occasionally finding yours when he looked up from the stacks of money on the table. you hated how good he looked tonight. skin flushed with a sheen of sweat from having so many people around him, his bangs hanging loosely in his face, with that blue jeans and white t-shirt combo that you loved so much.
you swallowed thickly, your trance being broken when one of your, very drunk, friends grabbed onto your arm for support. “stop looking at himmm!” she slurred, cackling when you rolled your eyes. “he just wants you for himself without any real commitment.” she nearly lost her footing, a yelp leaving her lips as you decided to guide her out of the kitchen. while your friend wasn’t all the way wrong, she didn’t know enough about you and rafe’s ‘situationship’ to form an opinion on it. your friends only knew what you told them, which meant they’ve only ever heard your annoyed rants.
“let’s get you over here..” you sat her down on the couch where the rest of your friends drunkenly talked amongst each other. rafe wasn’t far from where you sat, his laugh echoing in your ears as he started stuffing his black backpack full of cash. you could tell by the smile on his face that he had a good night for shop. sensing that you were looking at him, rafe felt the burn of your gaze as he got up, having no intention of leaving this party without you on his arm. you smelled his cologne before he approached you, the scent making your heart flutter in your chest.
“hey, can we talk?” rafe stopped in front of you, your friends turning around at the sound of his voice. you looked up at him, cursing under your breath at how handsome he was. “leave her alone, asshole!” rafe smiled at your friend, flipping her off before getting you up and taking you outside. “your friends are annoying as fuck.” he stopped by his truck, backing you up against the vehicle until his thigh sat comfortably between your legs. you knew what he was doing. “they’re drunk..” you glared at him, “what do you want?” rafe tilted his head at your words. “what do i want?” he repeated.
“you gonna act like you weren’t staring me down in there?” he laughed, cupping your chin. “you look pretty.” turning your head away from him, you shrugged him off as you arched a brow. “i was looking at you, and?” you ignored his little compliment. “..and you haven’t replied to any of my messages or called me back.. why?” you shook your head. “are you seriously asking me this? you tell me you have feelings for me while you’re inside of me, and then leave without a word in the morning? excuse me if i felt like you were toying with me or something.” you crossed your arms over your chest.
“i got nervous, alright! but i swear to you i meant every word. i would never mess with you like that..” he stepped closer. “i’ve been wanting this, us, for a long time, y/n. i’m not good at this stuff, but i want to try, i want to do it with you.” your gaze softened. “do you mean that?” your voice was small, a clear indication that you weren’t trying to argue with him anymore. “i fucking swear by it.” you watched as his jaw clenched. “i wont disappoint you, baby.” finally, for the first time in two weeks, he took you in his arms. you sighed, feeling a weight you didn’t know was there, lift off of your shoulders.
“is this a revenge dress?” you laughed when he pulled away, inspecting your outfit. “no, but it worked.” you teased. rafe leaned down and kissed you, in which you wasted no time in returning. “come on, let’s get out of here.. ‘before your friends threaten me.” you let him place you in the passenger seat, a squeal leaving your lips when he landed a harsh smack to your ass.
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tgmsunmontue · 2 days
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Never knew I was missing you 1/? WIP
Jake is just trying to find a connection. Shame the guy he connects with the most is lying about his identity online; because he sure as hell isn't A-list Hollywood star Bradley Bradshaw.
PART ONE
                Bradley hadn’t ever meant to become famous. He’d just been minding his own business, doing his own thing and adding some extra curriculars to his schedule to pad his USNA application when someone had sidled up to him after the school production and asked him if he’d ever considered doing it professionally.
                He’d been so confused he’d had to ask do what professionally?
                Act.
                Apparently, he has a flair for the dramatic.
                When he’d relayed this, Ice had rolled his eyes and looked at Mav and muttered I wonder where he gets that from and Mav had, for some reason, just snapped his teeth and then said truly a mystery.
                Bradley had just decided it was safer to ignore them and leave them to their dramatics, because who did they think they were kidding if they weren’t equally dramatic? So he figured he’d give it a shot. He had a year left of high school, and he could delay joining the Navy. Weirdly Maverick had been incredibly supportive, almost pushing him toward it, but he had left all his options open, and then… Well, he’d been asked to do a screen test, and then he’d done an audition and reading, which had then spiraled into being the previously unknown but now new-and-upcoming-star of Hollywood.
                All that is over ten years ago now, he’s closing in on thirty, regularly on the most eligible bachelor and sexiest men lists to his mortification, and he’s also considered one of the most billable actors. He was open about his sexuality from the start, despite his agent advising him against it. So he’d found a new agent, who had crafted a very well worded statement which meant that Bradley has remained scandal free because he’s… Well, he’s pretty boring really. When he takes people out on dates they seem to think he’s going to be like one the characters he plays, and are always a little (or a lot) disappointed when they realize that Bradley is just… well, Bradley.
                “I made you a dating profile,” Callie says, slapping his phone onto his chest and Bradley grabs for it before it can slide down and hit the floor.
                “You did what now?”
                “A dating profile.”
                “Yeah. Sorry, I got that part. I meant why?”
                “Because you haven’t left the house for anything other than work in three weeks.”
                “So? I’ve been keeping busy. Plus I don’t have trouble finding someone to date. When I actually want to go on a date.”
                “Uh…”
                “What?”
                “I’d like to hold up exhibits A through D. Your last relationship and the last three dates you went on. All fucking disasters. If not PR wise, then romantically and-or sexually. Disasters. With a capital D.”
                “And he wants another type of D!” Neil calls out and Bradley rolls his eyes, because of course Neil is chipping in.
                “Do I have an HR department? Can I report you both to HR?”
                “Nope. You’re stuck with us. Your fault for hiring people who know you’re just a giant nerd with no game whatsoever,” Callie says with a grin as she settles on the sofa beside him and shoves her cold feet under his thighs.
                Bradley groans, he hates it when they’re right.
…            …            …
                Jake flicks through the profiles, looking for something to catch his attention. He doesn’t need perfect looking bodies, or dick-pics, he sees enough of both in the locker room. Plus he gets plenty of unsolicited dick-pics whenever he’s horny enough to reinstall Tinder and got looking for something uncomplicated. Of course, as he’s gotten older he wouldn’t mind something a bit more complicated, but some people like having a partner or boyfriend that is around, and Jake isn’t a lot of the time. So his job can be somewhat of a deal breaker, has been in nearly all his past relationships. He reads over his profile and he should probably take out GGG if he wants to be serious about something more but… It’s still true.
GGG Flyboy looking for something a little more heavy duty than a ONS but only in town for six weeks.
                He keeps scrolling and then there’s a picture of A-list actor Bradley Bradshaw and he snorts in amusement. He sure as fuck wouldn’t be on a fucking dating app if he was Bradley Bradshaw. He reads the profile and laughs again.
Half-decent actor, boring AF human. Hobbies include avoiding social interactions with people I don’t know, pinball machine restoration and building model planes. WLTM genuine M or F for dating to something more serious.
                He’s got nothing better to do, so he fires off a message.
>>No way you’re actually Bradley Bradshaw. Catfishing is illegal you know.
>>But I am actually Bradley Bradshaw.
>>Yeah, and I’m a veterinarian and part-time fire fighter.
>>Pretty sure Bradley Bradshaw wouldn’t be admitting to the world that his favorite past times are building model airplanes and restoring pinball machines.
>>Also if you don’t like social interactions with people you don’t know then a dating app is NOT the place for you.
>>I like pinball machines.
>>Well. I like playing pinball. The machines are just kind of necessary for that and sometimes I need some quiet time.
>>Plus this app wasn’t my idea. My friend made my profile.
>>Sure buddy.
>>Your ‘friend’ has some mad photoshop skills though.
>>Legit looks like Bradshaw is working on that pinball machine.
>>That’s an original Lumet. And I am working on it.
>>Not the oldest one I have, but the one that needs the most work.
>>Sure. Okay.
>>So what do you do?
>>I’m in the Navy.
                Jake settles back, wonders if the guy has even bothered reading his profile.
>>Huh. Flyboy. Aviator then?
                There’s his answer.
>>Yep. What do you do?
>>Restore pinball machines and lie about my identity on dating apps apparently.
                Jake laughs, and at least the guy has got a good sense of humor, even if what he’s doing is illegal. Jake’s never been that much of a stickler and he’s not hurting anyone.
>>Also said you build model planes. What kind? Vested interest and legit first hand knowledge….
>>Wait, your username is Brad2lover? You’re a fan?
>>Yeah, hello, I’m not blind. Guy’s scorching hot. And yeah, I guess I’m a fan. But he can do whatever the fuck he wants when he’s not working.
>>Except restore pinball machines. That’s the step too far?
>>He wouldn’t be using a dating app to hook up.
>>Wouldn’t need to.
>>You’d think that wouldn’t you.
>>And not looking to just hook up.
                Jake rolls his eyes. He could fucking start be being honest with who he is, but he feels like he might as well be talking to a brick wall with as far as he’s been getting there. So he’ll talk.
>>Well, I am and I am not…
>>?
>>Vague.
>>Well. I’ve got six weeks leave. I’d like to find something more than hooking up, but most people need more than six weeks to want a relationship, so I’m…
>>In a catch-22 situation.
>>So going to try meeting someone on this app and get to know them and then… what?
>>You’re still going to be deployed again for months on end.
>>Yeah, no shit. Got to at least try though right?
>>Might get lucky.
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redditreceipts · 2 days
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hey! I saw ur post asking about peaking stories. im not sure, but im guessing peaking means when you realised the whole trans thing was bs? if so then i have a story for that !!
so i used to be a huuuuuge trans supporter, at one point thought i may be a trans man (though i thankfully didn’t come out or change name or do any sort of transition).
then i started to realise the flaws in the logic and distanced myself from the whole thing. but i decided that i would take the approach of “if it’s just people being themselves and it doesn’t affect me, i should be fine with it.”
then one day a man on public transport cyber flashed me and my friends by airdropping penis pictures to us. i knew who it was because there was only one guy on the carriage actually on his phone. he was holding two separate iphones (suspicious as hell) and looking around all sneaky. I can’t fully explain it, but if you were there you’d just KNOW it was him. so i took a picture of him. I decided to report this incident and send in the picture of the guy, hoping something would get done.
when i was spoken to on the phone by the transport people, the staff member basically gaslit me into not putting the report through, told me there was nothing they could do, made me feel like i was overreacting. literally quote he asked “do you feel like a victim?”. sadly i was too young and shy to call him out. i was far too polite about the whole thing.
Anyway, in this interaction he referred to the man doing the airdropping as “he or she”. I remember thinking ‘she???? SHE????’ and i realised that in this world of self identity, there’s nothing to say that he couldn’t have identified as a woman. And I thought to myself, in that scenario, am I meant to think of that as a female-on-female sex crime? would that be how it’s counted in crime statistics? and suddenly everything came crashing down for me. like, wow, trans ideology actually does affect me and isn’t just about self expression and people being themselves. it has serious ramifications on people’s, specifically women’s, lives.
So yeah, that’s when i ‘peaked’ if im using that word correctly lol
yes, you are using that word correctly and WHAT THE FUCK?!?! Why are people like this??? (I mean we know why men are like this, but the staff members???)
I mean I'm glad that you're here now, and I also hope that this experience didn't have any lasting impacts on you because wtf
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utilitycaster · 22 hours
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(you don't need to publish this because a) it's not a question and b) I don't want that maybe you're getting attacked/vagueblogged over it) I just wanted to say, that I originally came to your blog because of your nuanced, deep and really really good Caleb meta and that Imogenfans are missing out big time. I think, if Im/odna fans wouldn't have acted the way they did and talented people hadn't stopped writing meta about them, at least I would have warmed up to the characters way more....
Hi anon,
I hope you don't mind me publishing it anyway just because it's a good opportunity to elaborate on a few rather fanwanky feelings in one brief-ish statement.
I don't really care if people vague me and I think people who don't like being vagued are valid, but people who don't like being vagued, whine about it, and then continue to vague others are, understandably, idiots making the situation worse. Most people who had issues with being vagued re: the above simply stopped writing meta, which is why there's not much of it. Also a lot of what people call vaguing is just meta that disagrees with theirs, to be honest. I mean I do vague, a lot, and I'm very good at it, but I've also written 100% good faith meta about things I was thinking about the narrative without consideration of other peoples' opinions and it was called vaguing because I used aggressive tactics like citing my sources.
I've covered the fact that Imogen was actually treated very similarly to Caleb with the key difference that people who wrote meta about Caleb were treated badly by his haters, whereas people who wrote meta about Imogen were treated badly by her then-supporters who are now mostly defending Ashton and Dorian because Imogen started saying things they don't like and don't want to address. I just want to reiterate that if someone ever says that The Male Characters Played By White Actors Never Receive Hate you should just block them and stop taking them seriously. The hate is obviously not motivated by bigotry against real people, typically (though some criticism of Veth was certainly misogynistic even though Sam is a man, for example) but they still did receive pretty intense hate. It is kind of telling, personally, re a certain lack of backbone that people will bring up the horrible things people said about Liam or Travis or Taliesin in their own defense and then turn around and willingly engage with the people making these accusations they clearly know to be false, but you know. Unsurprising.
I tried to write something longer that really dug into the outline of events but it really comes down to this: a lot of the direct harassment (not vagueing) of meta writers, especially with regards to Imogen or Laudna, occurred during episodes like...20-50 of this campaign, and I think those doing the harassment either thought this would somehow make meta writers go "oh my god you're so right about the thing that you said I should die for not agreeing with, I'm going to write meta for you now" or that this would shut them down but wouldn't make other meta writers say "oh this environment has become hostile", which obviously it would. Coupled with the fact that this is when a lot of meta writers realized the campaign pacing was fucked and the party wasn't clicking in the same way past ones had and it really turned into a case of high risk of unpleasantness for a not really worth it reward for many of the meta writers who were around in earlier campaigns, and that in TURN meant that it's harder to have a good conversation without having existing chats so it's a less pleasant place for new fans. Anyway uh. I think the lesson here is that those C2 meta writers ARE around for Midst and Candela Obscura so it's also kind of a waiting game in the event that there is a future campaign (and if not, they will still be here for Midst/Candela/Possibly Daggerheart or future EXUs); they're just not here to write about Imogen or Laudna because it's not worth the trouble.
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thr0wnawayy · 1 day
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Hello! Been really enjoying your MHA takes especially the aftermath, it had me thinking but what if Hawks and the HC were responsible were for wiping out Izuku's record in the Final War. We know there was people recording Izuku's battle with Tomura but yet people not knowing about Izuku and acting like he is some mysterious legend just didn't sit right with me. But if they knew, OFA was going to disappear and there would be no Symbol of Peace in the short term until Mirio arrived (bleh). Then it would make sense why Hawks and company would delete this stuff for any number of reasons. It would be this weird sort of propaganda where the collective is glorified. While still retaining the status quo until they can find a stronger Symbol because I refuse to take seriously Mirio being number 1 cause his quirk is overrated.
This would help explain why Izuku's role in the war is essentially erased and no one seems to have remembered him despite being the deciding factor, but his depression/guilt means he doesn't care to talk about. It would be overwhelming for Izuku because the propaganda would only assert that his role was meaningless despite it being the contrary. Of course, it doesn't help that nobody does anything to help lift Izuku from his mental problems.
What your saying is absolutely plausible, however there are a few things that conflict with your theory.
No one really knew about OFA in the first place. This is a massive fuck up on Hori's part, as "canonically" only 3 people really know about OFA (5, if you count sheild and Melissa)
The fact is, the general public isn't really aware of what OFA was. To their knowledge Izuku might have been one of AFO's science projects or something of the sort, which could have created problems in trying to reestablish "order".
Thus the Commission thought it best for OFA to just fade into the background and that meant nipping every bud related to it. Including Midoriya.
You see, All Might is covered. He's made a name for himself and even though there was panic after his retirement, he's still one of the only people capable of standing firm. That alone grants him a level of protection and support networks that Midoriya clearly lacks.
The second issue is that the idea of a symbol is so ingrained with All Might (or rather the idea of AM) that OFA is connected to that by proxy.
The Commission needs a hero that doesn't exist anymore, because in a post Liberation War Japan? They can't exist.
Not when people have been exposed to how rotten the current system is underneath and no 'new coat of paint' will ever be enough to change that, no matter how fanciful the lie.
Midoriya by his very nature (and failings) as a hero, cannot become 'the greatest' in this world, because what once passed for the greatest turned out to be a human trafficking piece of shit, who was killed by his victim's own hand.
Izuku's record wasn't so much wiped, as much as he just gave up. He went so went so far off course that he wound up in a worse position than when he started and dragged everyone with him in the process.
The reality is a culture built on "out of sight, out of mind" when it comes to crime. MHA's Japan does this, but far, far worse and that isn't sustainable. Not when you have massive critics like Japan does.
Japan is in a free fall, Toshinori is one of those people, hopefully I'll get around to writing that mini chapter fully.
Hawks doesn't have the brains to lead. As seen in the U.N Meeting, he's a horrible politician (being a child soldier will do that). He's used to taking orders and polishing the boots of whomever is giving them, not sitting down and discussing how they (the nations) can use their power to make the world a better place.
As for the Hero Boards, due to the lack of participation, they fluctuate violently every term due to the smaller voting pool. Mirio's rank is only semi-consistant, with him constantly switching to number one and number three every odd poll showcase.
The portion of the public that still look up to heroes see him as a model person, but not a model hero. As they look for a hero that will never come.
The truth is there cannot be another All Might in the same way there can never be another AFO (Pre Kamio ofc). They were titans of their time, only able to exist because of the circumstances unique to their times.
There's a saying that is often misquoted
"The survival of the fittest"
This is an incomplete version of the phrase, the correct version is: "The survival of the fittest to adapt"
That is what evolution is, an arms race.
There will never truly be another All Might, there may never be another League Of Villains. But it doesn't matter, because some way, somehow.
The pieces will slot into place and then the real fun can begin. So long as their are those who slip through the cracks. So long as the current society stands.
There will always be that child that everyone can see, but choose to ignore.
They can lie to themselves, have them put on a happy face, shunt them to fitting into the current "mold" and then go home and wash their hands of responsibility because "I did my part".
It won't make them any less guilty.
It won't make those children any less adaptable.
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Maybe atheists from your own religion can talk about it then
https://www.tumblr.com/sophia-epistemia/731237402894581760/avoiding-your-beliefs-real-weak-points
Okay here we go. The pissing on the poor reading comprehension of this website together with the antisemitism is at it again.
First of all, hello! I am a stranger on the internet, who you might know as being Jewish! You don't know shit about my experiences with Judaism, of course, or what kind of Judaism I practice, if I even do, and hence have no understanding of "my own religion", however.
Second, this is the og post:
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From its contents you might see that I am requesting ex-christian atheists not to put their religious traumas and biases onto other religions, something which results in nothing but silencing the voices of the people practicing/who practiced said other religions, erasing their unique experiences and trauma, which has nothing to do with Jesus and his followers.
Now, lets examine what you said and the link you sent me.
"Maybe the atheists from your own religion can talk about it then"
You said it. And by it, well... I assume you meant religious trauma in general. Which is, of course, something people who practice/d Judaism can and should talk about. I talk about it! All the time!
But see, the difference between what you're saying and what I'm saying, is that I talk about religious trauma within Judaism. I want to talk about it, but I don't want to hear an ex-christian person's opinions or takes on it. I dont want to hear about how "every religion is a cult actually" from a person who was a part of the religion whose extensive opression and antisemitism shaped mine. They fundamentally will misunderstand me and everything I have to say, as do you. I dont want to have to go through piles of comparisons to Christianity and the trauma it brought people every single time I want to get to the stuff that is relatable to me. Hell, I have trauma from it and I'm not even Christian! So fuck yeah I know about it! What I want to know is my people's stories.
That's where your link comes into play.
It is an amazing post, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. It is a true account and critique of Orthodox Judaism from a person that experienced it first hand and I absolutely support it. I wouldn't have a problem with you sending it to me if it was for purely educational reasons, but there is a sort of gotcha in your tone (which might be coming from the dismissive "your religion" remark that is interestingly close to the wording "your kind").
See, my issue is that you have no idea who I am. You don't know that I had my own shitload of experiences with Orthodox Judaism and that it is the reason I currently I am where I am, faith-wise. You don't know the misogyny, homophobia and transphobia I've experienced. You don't know that I am currently actively looking for a Reform Judaism synagogue in the town I am planning to move to because I want to cleanse my experience of Judaism from all those associations. You think that by virtue of me asking ex-christians to stop putting their hands into every single punch bowl at the party, I dismiss the flaws of my bowl and its recipe. And that, is what I have an issue with.
Every religion and a way of practicing it has flaws. What matters is your experience of them. The way people around you treat those flaws. I want to be able to enjoy being Jewish while acknowledging the shitload of stuff that is wrong with it. Me and my partner are writing a whole book whose main character, Leroy, is all about it! About wanting to be understood by the traditions you were brought up with, and the struggle of them potentially rejecting you. I want to hear Jewish voices when I ask about problems related to practicing Judaism. I want to hear Islamic voices when I ask about issues related to practicing Islam. And yes, I want to hear Christian voices when I ask about the issues with practicing Christianity!
What I don't want, however, is someone else's hands in my punch bowl.
And yes, sometimes cross-referencing is very helpful. Sometimes bringing an outsider perspective is very helpful. But the key-word is sometimes. It should be an option, but it should never be the default.
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hayanwulf · 13 hours
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IronStrange:
One of them performs CPR on the other.
Fun fact: a defibrillator can’t actually revive a patient who ‘flatlined’.
Shocking, I know. I guess that’s modern media misrepresentation for you.
PS: At the cost of being a lil hypocritical.. the chance of getting an unshockable cardiac arrest (aka flatline or ‘asystole’) in our scenario, and then also surviving it with CPR, is ridiculously, laughably low. So, Stephen really shouldn’t have survived here, or flatlined in the first place... But hey, the movie itself threw realism out the window, so you can’t tell me shit.
The empty mug comically slipped from his grip, meeting the floor in an ear-deafening shatter.
Tony did not hear it, however, not over the pounding of heartbeat in his ears that immediately followed the almost-heart attack he got at the sight of a literal portal on fire inside his workshop, out of which stumbled his ex-fiance who he had not seen for eight months, hands clutching bloody chest, face drained of color and contorted in pain, steps staggering and making him crash against an equipment.
“The hallucinations are getting crazy,” Tony murmured.
“It’s not a hallucination, Boss,” FRIDAY announced, an urgency to her voice, pulling Tony out of his disbelief-induced state of shock — bless his AI. “Doctor Strange needs immediate medical attention! He’s been stabbed on the chest.”
Tony’s heart only lurched further at the last bit, but he forced his feet to move, shoved all thoughts to the back of his mind, beelining straight for his very mortally injured ex-fiance who was now leaning against god knew what, looking up at Tony with wild, terrified eyes.
“Cardiac Tamponade,” Stephen muttered, his voice weak with a bit of tremble to it, as Tony came to his side to carefully support him. “There’s blood in the pericardial—”
“Shut up!” Tony snapped, felt Stephen flinch against him, and immediately cursed himself for lashing out like that for no reason. He just.. god, this was the first time Tony was seeing Stephen after seven goddamn months, and it was to find him injured — mortally injured — and the first thing Stephen spoke to him was godforsaken diagnosis of how severely close to death he was.
He looked back at the portal once and suppressed a shudder, before shifting his focus back on Stephen to help lead him over to the small infirmary that was built right next to his workshop. “Just.. what the fuck, Stephen?”
Stephen winced, throwing a glance behind his shoulder at the portal, misunderstanding what Tony truly meant. “Sorry, that’s..” He made them pause and waved a hand at the tear in reality behind them.
Tony watched in awe for a moment as the portal quickly shrank and disappeared, remnants of glowing orange dust in the air the only evidence that something had even existed there a moment ago.
“What just—” Tony cut himself off. Not important right now.
He shook his head to dispel all other thoughts and focus solely on Stephen because oh god there was so much blood, Stephen was hurt, Stephen was dying—
“FRIDAY!” He called out, voice wavering with the panic that grew in him with each passing moment as he led Stephen to the adjacent infirmary.
“There is no medical staff at the Compound, Boss..”
“Why!?” Tony asked as his heartbeat spiked at the realization, even though he already knew why.
No one lived in the Compound anymore. All of the staff had been long since dismissed.
As he led Stephen towards the nearest operating table, Tony spared only a brief moment to wonder why, despite there being nobody and nothing in this large establishment, was it that Tony continued to stay here.
He helped Stephen lay flat on the operating table and began to undo.. whatever it was that Stephen was wearing, all the while chanting under his breath, “I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t do this..”
“Tony,” Stephen spoke, grabbing hold of Tony’s wrist and looking him in the eye. “You can, I know it.”
Tony helplessly shook his head because he couldn’t. How could Stephen think that he could?
But, god, there was no time, no choices.
Stephen either had him, or nothing.
Tony felt the exact moment Stephen’s grip on his arm grew weak, saw his eyes flicker as he fought to keep them open.
“I trust you..” Stephen said weakly, and then passed out, his hand going limp over Tony’s.
Tony stared for a moment.
“Boss?”
FRIDAY’s voice pulled him out of his daze. He looked up at the heart graphs, then back at Stephen’s limp body, and then back up at the heart graphs to be absolutely extra sure he hadn’t lost Stephen yet. His mind was nothing but panicked haze and adrenaline, and logic fought emotion as he struggled to simply act, to do something because he was losing Stephen right in front of his eyes and oh god he needed to save him—
“FRIDAY, w-what—” He swallowed as his voice wavered, “what do I do?”
“Boss, you are close to having a panic attack—”
“And he’s close to dying, dammit! What do I do!?”
“He needs a pericardiocentesis.”
“What the fuck is that?”
“Just get the needle, second shelf from the top.”
FRIDAY guided him through the surprisingly simple, yet downright horrifying procedure of stabbing a needle straight into Stephen’s heart to drain out the blood stuck in his pericardium, decompressing the pressure on his heart. There was a large stab wound on the left side of his chest. The sight of so much blood — of Stephen’s blood — made Tony feel lightheaded, its suffocating metallic scent tangible in his mouth, tasting like copper, all the while his eyes watched the screens of vitals with sharp attention, witnessing as Stephen’s heartbeat grew weaker and weaker, every digit of drop in the heart rate making dread pool heavier in his stomach, making his gut twist sickeningly.
He was holding Stephen’s delicate, precious life in his hands and god, it was terrifying.
How did you do this every single day? Tony silently asked the man lying unconscious in front of him, the back of his eyes stinging as tears formed in them.
If Stephen died now, here, like this, Tony could never forgive himself.
It was those thoughts that roared loud in his mind, in tandem with the beeping of the heart monitor, as he held onto the needle drawing out a nauseating amount of blood.
Even after most of the clogged blood from the walls had been drained out, Stephen’s heart remained weak, his low heart rate not recovering.
And then it happened, just as he pulled out the needle.
Tony’s entire world came to a halt at that sharp, ear-deafening beep of the heart monitor.
“You need to start CPR, now!” FRIDAY spoke up immediately, voice loud and clear over the shrill beep.
“I—the defibrillat—”
“That won’t work, you have to do CPR!”
Tony didn’t question her. He trusted his babygirl, trusted her to help him save Stephen’s life, and moved up to Stephen’s face, tilting his head up, chin held in his hand.
30 compressions, 2 breaths.
He would not lose Stephen. He would not.
Steadying his resolve as he inhaled a deep breath, he pinched Stephen’s nose and then dipped down to seal their mouths together, before blowing into Stephen’s mouth, watching from the corner of his eye as Stephen’s chest rose. He repeated the action, blowing a second rescue breath into Stephen’s mouth, and then quickly moved to his chest.
Taking care to not place his hands over the stab wound currently sealed with nanites, he pushed down forcibly at Stephen’s chest and set up a fast pace, counting the compressions in his head, acutely aware of his speed as well as the relentless beeping of the heart monitor that continued to echo in the background.
After 30 compressions, he repeated the two rescue breaths, and moved to performing compressions again.
Seven.. eight.. nine..
Tony froze when the incessant beeping of heart monitor stopped, to be replaced by a barely there pulse, the graph displaying a weak heart rhythm that was all over the place.
Tony could’ve cried right then. Maybe he did.
“Don’t stop,” FRIDAY’s voice instructed him, and so he didn’t, continuing with the chest compressions.
Two more cycles passed by the time FRIDAY said, “You can shock him now, Boss.”
Tony didn’t waste another second in fetching the defibrillator. He applied the conductive gel over the two paddles before placing one on the right side of Stephen’s sternum and the other below his left nipple — thank the science gods Stephen’s injury didn’t get in the way of their placement — and let FRIDAY decide the appropriate voltage. He pressed down hard on the paddles, steering clear of any other contact to Stephen’s body as the equipment delivered shock.
The heart rhythm graph reacted immediately, and Tony watched in awe as the entire electrical activity was reset and started producing a much healthier, stable rhythm. The pulse reacted to it, quickly gaining strength.
Tony’s knees nearly buckled from the sheer intensity of relief that washed over him, watching Stephen’s heart gain its strength back right in front of his eyes.
Stephen’s eyes flew open with a start and a gasp, and Tony was immediately by his side, the defibrillator abandoned. He panted, eyes glazed and darting wildly at first, until they slowly regained focus. Tony placed a hand on Stephen’s arm, wanting to help him, wanting to give him something to anchor himself to.
But mostly to reassure his own self that Stephen was still here.
“God, that feels weird in the astral plane,” Stephen murmured, his voice a little raspy, before a weak laugh escaped his lips.
“You think this is— wow.” Stephen was laughing. It hadn’t been five minutes since Tony had pulled this man out of the claws of death and now here he was, laughing. Tony felt his body vibrate, his inside burning up with this infuriating mix of anger and.. and.. ugh! He didn’t know.
Never had he felt something so strong, so nauseatingly gut-churning before.
Christ, was this the anger that Stephen felt every time Tony had looked death in the eyes and walked the other way with a victorious smirk on his lips? Was this the exasperation he had always seen in Rhodey’s face when Tony had dismissed his own near-death experiences? Was this the horror Pepper felt every time, as she watched Tony’s gruesome injuries be patched up by Stephen?
“Tony..?” Stephen called out in a small, uncertain voice, causing Tony to turn back to him. Whatever Stephen found there, it made him flinch. Good. After a second, he tentatively added, “I’m.. sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” Tony snapped. “You.. you fucking walk out on me without ever telling anything, not even a message, a note, nothing. A-and the next time I see you, you’re walking out of a wormhole with.. with a stab on your chest, bleeding all over my lab. And you’re sorry. You fucking died, Stephen!”
Tony realized that he was visibly shaking now, his breath coming in hitches as thick tears streamed down his face. He sat himself down on the edge of Stephen’s table, wiping both his hands over his entire face, just trying to collect himself. God, it felt like someone was squeezing his heart trying to make it burst.
What would he have done, had Stephen died here today? Because of his inadequacy, because he didn’t know what to do, how to act fast, how to save the life of his fiance?
A shaky hand landed on his arm, making him remove his hands from his face to turn and look down at Stephen.
His ex-fiance had a remorseful look on his face as he interlocked their fingers.
“You did an amazing job, Tony. You saved me.”
Some of Tony’s tense energy melted, and he exhaled a shaky breath with closed eyes.
Stephen was alive. Stephen was here. Because Tony had managed to save him.
“Thank you,” Stephen added after a moment.
Tony opened his eyes and glanced at Stephen from the corner of his eye. “Fuck you.”
He felt it more than heard when Stephen’s chest rumbled with a laugh, and Stephen immediately winced.
Right, the wound must hurt like a bitch.
“Hold on,” Tony said and went to fetch a fresh needle and a vial of painkiller.
A minute later, he unceremoniously dumped the used needle on the appropriate bin as he spoke, “So what’s up with the glowing wormholes and your LARP wizard costume?” He leaned himself against an equipment near Stephen’s table, who was now sitting upright, putting the said LARP costume back on. “Or do we wanna talk about who wanted to roleplay too realistic murder mystery with you? Oh, I have a better idea. How about we start from where the hell did you fuck off to in Nepal?”
Stephen winced, and this time it wasn’t from the physical pain. “I shouldn’t have left you like that?”
“Yeah? Well, good thing that I’m used to being left behind by the people I trust,” Tony spoke, voice laced with venom. A memory flashed in his mind. Blood tainting the white of snow, the feel of metal growing lethally cold all around his body, the dead weight of a dead arc reactor sitting over his chest.
He suppressed a shiver, shoving the memory away.
Stephen, of course, knew nothing of the said memory, and a hint of confusion mixed with hurt flashed over his features. “I.. I’m really sorry, Tony. I have to go.”
Tony blinked, doing a double take of what he’d just heard. “I’m sorry, did you just say that you have to go?”
“Yes.”
“Where!?” Tony snapped, not quite able to hide the irritation in his voice.
Stephen bit his lower lip, expression twisting in contemplation, clearly weighing his options about what he wanted to tell Tony. He then sighed and looked up at Tony.
Tony didn’t know what answer he had expected to hear.
‘I moved on.’ ‘I have another life now, one without you.’ ‘Stop trying to follow me.’
But what he got wasn’t something he’d have expected to hear in a thousand years.
“I was learning magic in Nepal.”
It left him staring dumbfounded, simply trying to grasp what he was hearing.
Stephen sighed again, averting his eyes. “You saw the portal, right?”
Tony swallowed, his throat suddenly feeling too dry as a new, terrifying kind of realization dawned on him. “Yeah.”
Stephen closed his eyes. “There are.. more like us. Good and bad. And the bad ones are going to try to destroy this world, with magic.” He got off the table then, getting on his feet, and stood a foot away from Tony, looking him in the eyes. “I have to go, Tony.”
Too much. This was all too much. First he watched Stephen stumble out of the goddamn portal, watched him die on the table, resuscitated him.. now he was learning that..
Magic.
Stephen was magic.
He’d been learning magic on Nepal, all this time, while Tony was left fumbling alone trying to gather even the tiniest scrap of information on this man, just enough to know that he was fine, that he was alive.
Tony was left with an odd mix of unadulterated fury and debilitating fear bubbling beneath his skin.
Hesitantly, Stephen reached out and took one of Tony’s hands in his shaky grip, brought it to his mouth, and pressed a soft, lingering kiss on the back on his hand.
“I’m sorry,” he said one last time and let go of Tony’s hand, turning to walk away.
Tony caught his arm before he had fully turned, making him pause and look back at Tony.
“I’m coming too,” Tony declared, letting his determination shine in his tear-streaked eyes.
Stephen slowly shook his head. “There will be magic, Tony.”
Tony spread his arms, summoning Mark XLVII, which flew into the infirmary from his workshop, opened up and quickly wrapped itself around Tony’s body in one quick, flawless motion, only leaving his head uncovered. He could see it in Stephen’s awestruck expression that he was impressed by its smoothness and elegance.
“I’m coming,” Tony repeated, “and that’s final.”
Coming because he would not back down in the face of magic. Coming because he had a duty to this world.
Coming because he would not let Stephen walk into danger all by himself.
Stephen looked at him from one eye to the other, swallowed, and nodded once.
“Close your eyes, I have to open a portal.”
Tony did, trusting Stephen.
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inkskinned · 1 year
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hey btw if you're in the USA at  2:20 p.m. ET on Wednesday, Oct. 4, they're testing the emergency broadcast system. your phone is probably going to make a really loud noise, even if it's on silent. there's a backup date on the 11th if they need to postpone it.
if you're not in a safe situation and have an extra phone, you should turn that phone completely off beforehand.
additionally, if you're like me, and are easily startled; i recommend treating it like a party. have a countdown or something. be surrounded by your loved ones. take the actions you personally need to take to make yourself safe.
i have already seen mockery towards any person who feels nervous about this. for the record, it completely, completely valid to have "emergency broadcast sounds" be an anxiety trigger. do not let other people make fun of you for that. emergency sounds are legitimately engineered to make us take action; those of us with high levels of anxiety and/or neurodivergence are already pre-disposed to have a Bad Time. sometimes it is best to acknowledge that the situation will be triggering for some, and to prepare for that; rather than just saying "well that's stupid, it's just a test."
"loud scary sound time" isn't like, my favorite thing, but we can at least try to prevent some additional anxiety by preparing for it. maybe get yourself a cake? noise cancelling headphones? the new hozier album? whatever helps. love u, hope you're okay. we are gonna ride it out together.
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lab-gr0wn-lambs · 8 months
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The queer comunity these days is OBSESSED with stereotyping people like it's some cute quirky lil thing it's infuriating. Lesbians looove frogs and mushrooms lmao, nonbinary people are all littol wittol rat creatures, asexuals love nothing but cake and garlic bread, transmasc little boy ukulele music, transfem TRIPPY WEIRD MUSIC, what do you mEAN you've never seen shitass lesbian film shitass lesbian film and shitass lesbian tv show what's wrong with you are you even a real QUEER? You HAVE to have seen- Shut up!! We're not a hivemind!! I'm going to puke!!
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frostbitedoesart · 6 months
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Just making a general post real quick in response to an ask.
When I say I'm anti-ai I mean I'm against any sort of AI that steals from others or would otherwise be used to put people out of a job. I don't feel like having an elaborate conversation about the positives and negatives of AI and all that, so I'll state this as plainly as possible.
I don't like AI art. I don't like AI voice impersonations. I don't like any sort of AI that has to steal stuff from people without their consent in order to function. That is literally it.
I'm not against ALL AI. I don't think people that are okay with AI in general should be burned at the stake or something. I'm just an artist and writer that doesn't like AI being used in CREATIVE SPACES. That's it.
I didn't think I would have to clarify this but, here you go, for anyone that was bothered.
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slippery-minghus · 4 months
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gods, why didn't i get a college degree in anything useful?
#i've known since the day it unceremoniously came in the mail that my degree is worth less than the paper it's printed on#yeah i needed to college experience for social and lersonal growth#but why couldn't i have gotten something out of it that can help me find a damn job?#what was the fucking point of going through all that?#(the social and personal growth obviously)#ahgggggg#i'm too broke and disabled to go back to school NOW#(the way i'm coping with the anxiety of waiting to hear back about the internal job i just interviewed for#is to have Officially Decided That I'll Be Rejected Out Of Hand. So What Do I Do Next?#it hurts but at least i can move forward if the worst come to pass#and it gives me something to do while i'm Waiting#ughhhhh#why couldn't i have sold my damn soul and gotten the shitty computer science degree my school had??#i remember visiting a house a friend was pet-sitting for and seeing the couple's gaming setup#and just seeing dollar signs. they both worked in computer science and made $$$#but at the time it sounded like the worst thing in the world#and i'd already changed my major once... loved what i was studying... and had my dad breathing down my neck about how much my education cost#i'm so lucky i don't have debt. thanks to my grampa. but holy hell did my dad lord that inheritance over me and make me dance for it#i don't think he ever got over grampa pulling *his* college funding bc he spent college fucking around and dropped out#couldn't wrap his head around that the narrow thing he'd trained me to be would never follow in his 'rebelious' footsteps#i beat myself up over A-'s there was no way i'd do anything other than take my grades seriously#but that was the problem. i was worried about grades and what sounded bearable to learn. not what was realistic to do with it#i wanted to get a fucking phd! with what fucking money!!!!#of course not that i had the support or the maturity to understand what it meant to choose an education that could grant me a career#but who can i blame if not myself?#dad always said i had to Go To College. there was no choice in not going. but as soon as college came he shoved me out the door#and slammed shut. how was i supposed to know what to do without him there to make me do things all of a sudden?#that took nearly a decade to learn dammit#personal
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bitchfitch · 1 year
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i just got done with my third chiro appointment, and like. I've noticed a significant improvement in terms of how much pain I'm in but I'm also noticing i can't like. stay sitting up. I can sit, which isn't always the case, but the muscles in my back are so loosey goosey/ not responding/ spasming that I keep curling forward until my head is almost pressed to the bed in front of me while I'm sitting cross legged. Don't know what that's about but it's affecting productivity something awful.
#like#i have shockingly good muscle tone considering how little i can move so this isnt a strength issue.#Ish. Like. the thing with eds is that if you have it severe enough your muscles have to pick up the slack for your ligaments#which results in you building way more muscle than you would expect#I cant lift more than 25lbs in like a bag or something without dislocating my elbows/shoulders#but i can bench 180~ and barbell squat my own weight#its just a matter of not pulling on anything#Tbh i think this is just the level of Nonsense that happens when my muscles arnt constantly tense.#my ligament structure isnt sturdy enough to work without that extra reinforcement#Anyways ive needed a back brace since i was 12 but insurance wont pay for it and like fuck am i able to shell out the 20k myself.#Ive looked into corsets but my proportions are so weird that id need a custom pattern#which is Pricey to get from a reputable company. like 2-3k which is better than 20. but still out of reach.#Im not confident enough in my drafting ability to make one myself.#seeing ms.banner. a real and skilled seamstress who knows what shes doing. lay herself out with a bad corset pattern is kinda#a good sign that maybe i an idiot whos sewing experience is stuffed animals and quilts. should not fuck around with my spinal health#I think id be more comfortable doing it myself if there were more mens corset patterns and more examples of how non#lingerie mens corsets are like. meant to work#i dont exactly need bust support. and most women's corsets dont have the shoulder support mens do. and thats like.#the area im most scared about fucking up bc its already a nightmare#tbh when i get the sg shop open im putting all the profits into a savings account and just working hard to get the budget to pay#for a proper corset.
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skrunksthatwunk · 8 months
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not to doomer post. but. american politics is like here's a conservative warmonger who wants to burn you alive personally and here's a different conservative warmonger who definitely wouldn't stop someone from burning you alive BUT who might raise the minimum wage by $0.30/hour for you, but only like eight years from now (so re-elect me please!! >w<). yes one of them has to be president they are the only two options we'll let you have. no neither of them will stop the government from killing you or anyone else, but at least one will say "it's kind of bad to kill people :( someone should really do something about that..." while giving the people-killers $20,000,000,000,000 to keep doing it then saying they can't afford to help you at all, but oh shucks, maybe next cycle, if you vote for me again! and also everyone will pretend as though they are extremely different political entities covering two highly polarized ends of the political spectrum despite nearly identical policy views obscured by their slightly different ways of addressing their target audiences, many of whom are also conservative warmongers. and also if you don't vote or vote third party the other guy will win and you will watch as they burn everyone you love alive in the same way they've burned so many strangers so you kind of feel like you have to vote for the other warmonger because even though they both have blood on their hands you'll take a handshake over an uppercut. even if you can still see the bodies piling up behind them. even if you can only save like five people you know and not the thousands of people who are dying in the other room. because you believe the difference between 30,000 and 30,005 is still worth it even though no one needed to die in the first place and no one seems to agree with you. you have to keep living in this world every day. if anything changes it will take decades and it will never be enough. if this takes a toll on you good fucking luck surviving off the generosity of the warmonger state that claims to serve you. happy voting!!
#like. yeah i'll take the raised minimum wage. i guess. but jesus christ#yes you are doing slightly good things sometimes almost. can you stop killing people though. please. that is a higher priority#like this is my first prezzy election season since i turned voting age right and like. what the fuck am i supposed to do now#what am i supposed to do with this. it took me 5 fucking months to pick a dead cockroach off my floor how am i supposed to fix this.#how am i meant to be a person and go on living while knowing i am doing nothing and cannot do anything and won't do anything#i need to fight i need to get up but i am stuck. im always stuck. i pray yknow. i don't know what else to do#how can people think about buying houses and getting promotions in this world. how are they not feeling likr their chest is caving in every#time they falter in their complex self-distraction. how am i supposed to do anything when all i can think about is helping and my body won't#let me. i cant do anything i cant but i have to but i cant. im supposed to and im a bad person if i dont and i cant live like that.#and if i am too upset about that i am punished for it by the people around me and ignored by those in power if not punished as well.#i love the world. i love people. you motherfuckers are killing everything and im not stopping you and you're getting in the way of me loving#the life i was built to love and i can't understand why you think it's even thinkable to do what you're doing. or what im doing.#i just want to look at clovers and paint and be good to my neighbors but you won't stop fucking murdering people in front of me#and i can't fucking do anything. i cant take care of the people i love i can't carry my own weight i can't take care of myself i can't move#and im supposed to fucking file taxes? to fund mass slaughter? on the off chance it might go to welfare or something. god.#i hate it here i hate it here america is a fucking nightmare it is hell i can't stand it but if i leave im just running and saving myself#whch is selfsh and cruel and so i would never be able to escape the feeling and i would always be in american hell because it' a part of me#but if i stay i cannot do anything because my body is filled with smoke and broken glass and im supposed to fucking get my drivers license#so i can buy groceries or get a job so i can keep myself on life support watching everything get worse and worse around me#and knowing that nothing has ever been good here and ive been lied to forever and im still being lied to#and i am in hell.#and me dying won't fix it and me living won't fix it ans both are too painful to even consider.#i am drowning i am drowning i am drowning i am drowning and my skin is on fire im on fire and i want to have children. but i can't imagine#doing that to someone. oh my god. and to raise them and watch them come to understand what this place ive brought them to is#that ive raised them in a slaughterhouse and to feebly try to show them the clovers and the ducks and the baby shoes and teach them to love#when maybe that love of the world is a distraction. or maybe i use it as one. i think of the blood as an obstacle to love and joy but maybe#i would not love the world so much if i was not so constantly desperately scared and ashamed of living in it#and i am a very lucky person. my life is cushy and i want to rip my skin off because what does that matter when it doesnt let me help people#god help me. but help the rest of them first. but i am helped first anyway and i hate it. i dont. i cant. god.#nyarla dni
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birthday-of-music · 1 year
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ughhhhjajsjajahshdhdhdb
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astrxealis · 1 year
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started rereading the pjo series the other day actually wawawa still my favorite fr it means the world to me :(( but yeah also! rewatched big hero 6 and ngl it probably really is my favorite movie for many personal reasons hehe AND THEN also watched the first part of hamilton on tv w my parents they loved it hehehe
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#okay that's all just a quick update on me and my life since i loveee to share all that#OKAY OKAY THOUGH YEAH i really love my (extended) family. i am super shy but you know what i love them sooo much#i already miss my aunt so much sniffs the whole holy week break felt like a dream tbh. i loved that she came over and etc etc#and also brought her (GAY !!) friend and then idk she's the best and so supportive and i came out to her right. first one irl. means a lot.#but yeah having experiences w her (esp her gay guy friend tho) meant a lot to me LMFAO idk it feels like those. crush feels but platonic#anyway <3 idk what else. uhm. yeah. that's basically it#oh an old friend from middle school dmned me bcs my personal instagram note was a rainbow flag and heart face so . yk#i came out to them back then and they're on the lgbtq community too so HELL YEAH sorry it's been days tho and i haven't replied back aha#you see. i am a mess. i haven't gotten to a lot of stuff especially because i for some reason have this. i need to. you see#i need to... if i am doing something i have to put in All My Effort. so i am literally reading everything my teachers give and say#and. literally everything. and i am definitely FAR far away from getting near to finished but hell yeah RAGHHH#I AM SO EXCITED FOR THE CONCERT NEXT MONTH OH MY GOD IT'S IN LIKE 3/4 WEEKS NOW ONLY WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK#my dad has been listening to the 1975 tons (he said he has now listened to all their songs. idk if thats true but i think so)#idk yeah just makes me happy uh etc love family etc motivated but a mess uh etc. goodnight
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mayonakano-archive · 2 years
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i'm going to delete this later but i need to just. yell.
#delete later#vent in tags#anyway uhhhhh any time i even so much as think in the direction of college i start crying so thats a good sign /s#given that i. almost never cry :)#i am. terrified. in the optimal world i'd just drop out and live under my bed or something because my issues are. frankly overwhelming#at this point. i can barely sleep properly despite trying to keep a proper schedule (i woke up at THREE this morning.)#im constantly flipping between being almost suicidally depressed and feeling nothing at all and it's terrible. i don't have any real#desire to hurt myself and most of my intrusive thoughts go the way of 'you should break stuff/hurt others/etc' but man#sometimes i have to step away from stuff just because i see a knife or a fork and wonder what i can do with it.#college makes me terrified and i know my parents fucking suck because otherwise they'd care a little more about the fact#that i can barely do anything or function but nah. all they want is the perfect little child. and now i'm paralyzed#i don't trust my ability to work because of my exhaustion and i know once i go to uni i can't count on any support from my parents#whatsoever so i'm just... stuck. uni's meant to be less grueling in terms of hours than HS but...#stacking work and school sounds like fucking HELL but i don't have the money or support to NOT work...#so all i can do is stress and stress and stress and stress and struggle to even start my essay and feel everything slipping away#because god? do i even remember half of the days i live through anymore? do i even care about the work i'm doing?#no. i'm dogshit at programming to the point where i've been stuck for a month. i can barely do work without spacing out or ignoring class#entirely just to talk to my brother because at least THERE's a little joy in my life. everything else feels so bleak and pointless#i can't do anything meaningful with this godawful life of mine. but all i can do is keep muddling through. because nothing scares me more#than the idea of dying. so that's off the table. so i'll just keep stressing and crying and wondering if it's even worth it.#ugh... if anyone actually read all this just pretend you didn't...
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