#and I've been feeling really bad irl
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aren't exactly the "active" one this week since... yeah
#and also 2.1 of Star Rail came out#and I've been feeling really bad irl#getting Acheron ended with getting Bailu e1 and I'm pretty normal with this#if you don't count the fact that I was planning on getting her Sparkle and Luocha's eidolons... and would probably get none of them?#then yeah it's fine#Imaginary team will get their Preservation guy ig#why only the blond characters are those 5* that are haunting my hsr acc is just...#eh it's just funny at this point#either way the next day after 2.1 came there was this chapter's spoilers#and they destroyed me#so I'm basically like a broken jenga rn#or a thrown glass#shattered beyond repair but I'm slowly getting back together#and then there was this thing of getting us all looked up and getting some of our blood#medical stuff mostly nothing serious#and then I almost fell unconcious right after they took some and felt awful ever since#it was like yesterday so I'll get better#surely...#either way I should tag spoilers#bnha manga spoilers#bnha 418#shitpost#I'm literally holding on with this page only#and it's bad since afo is back#feels like hell honestly
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to be, or not to be (romanticization of the inevitable)
#ray's tag#keys' art#undescribed#skeletons#ok to reblog#the skeleton model that i traced for this was provided by the incredible kiku @kikunai whom you can find right here on tumblr!#so uh. This is a piece about chronic fatigue although the original idea i had for it drifted a bit as soon as I started coloring the linear#(i really enjoy shading and lighting things and got a bit carried away here but i stand by my choice because this is my favorite thing#that i've ever drawn)#anyways. i often feel especially lately with school being back in season that my bones are leaden with this sort of. weariness. theyre heav#it weighs on our mental health and energy a lot and although there's a couple of reasons we have been given for it#that doesn't remove the fact that this is still a thing that affects us in a very real way day to day although we are good at masking it.#often i come home to find that i do not have the physical mental or creative energy to work on things i really want to#especially project: nexus which i feel extra bad about even though i can't help it because i just started it so recently#it is a mild to moderate struggle to make it day to day and i just. wanted to represent this somehow#my original concept for this was a skeleton with some black goop gunk whatever leaking from its joints#but as i started adding the cracks and coloring them gold (a personal touch; kintsugi is a concept that is very dear to us)#i realized that the focus here was less on the condition itself and more on the body that it afflicts.#so i put it into a spotlight.#ironic i know since very little people acknowledge this irl or even know it exists at all but i added rim lighting. I added color gradients#I colored the lineart and made it all fancy and even added a flare for the head to get the point across that even at its core; disability i#a performance. this is not implying that disabilities are fake in fact this is the opposite of that. i wanted to show that with disabilitie#especially i think in my personal opinion the invisible ones#we are all masking at least a little bit during the vast majority of the day. humans are social creatures and it is only when we are alone#or with someone we deeply trust where we allow ourselves to be who we truly are without fear and even then that can be rare#so i wanted to show this bit of the soul in as broad a limelight as i could. idk this is a really abstract piece and i dont know if anyone#will even get it but it matters to me at least. and even though we've been largely bedridden for the past week i think that's okay#we will get it figured out. all of us. okay? okay. i love you. i fucking love you. we are going to fucking make it#(also the xes over the eyes are because i thought they looked cool they have no deeper meaning at least i think they dont#actually i think they do but i cant put it into words idk. Art is subjective assign your own meaning i'm gonna go get a shower)
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i was tired of being so antsy and anxious so i left the house and walked almost 5 miles. this technically broke my PT rules but i was able to consciously engage my core the whole time to keep my back from hurting + my hips from subluxing (thank u 9 days of PT exercises already making a measurable difference) & now i'm taking a hot bath so i am..... Knocking On Wood that i'll be okay. please god.
#my shoulders and hips hurt significantly LESS than they did before i left the house#my legs and feet are just really sore now.#i have my next irl session in a couple days so i'll bring it up then#just like. hey i know patients in my condition should start slow and i do respect that#however. i am a former athlete and my muscles + brain alike Get Very Bad when i don't move.#if i'm GONNA walk for miles. what do u want me to do so i don't fuck myself over.#dignity of risk and all that. i do genuinely feel a lot better. these past couple days of not walking much i've been in SO much pain and SO#stressed out. waow.#this is the most i've walked in a day in Years. also arguably thanks to PT???#pt tag#exercise tag#autoimmune tag
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The whole "if a person is mad at you it's their responsibility to tell you" thing just made me realize how fucked my situation is. Like just. woah
#who wants to hesr the story of how I lost my irl friends recently (you will I'm spitting everything right now)#anyway so last year one day one of my friends decided to randomly backstab me and she started talking behind my back#and yeah this all made me mad because?? what the fuck#she started talking and revealing stuff that i had confide to her to other people and they slowly started drifting from me#BUt the thing here is that she was manipulating the story. she changed it every time she told stuff to people to make me look bad#i heard one of the things she said about me once and i was like ?? she even make me dislike me in her version which like woa#anyway I didn't understand why she did that because it was ? so random? and then she started ignoring me and has not talked to me ever since#the thing is. she apparently didn't have enough with just doing that. she slowly started to rot my other friends' brains too?#in the sense that. suddenly the rest of my group was ignoring me too. they never said anything to me. or stated that they had a problem#they just ignored me in my face? and yeah that. hurt#recently i found thanks to a third party that one of them decided to stop talking to me because apparently i had hurt her uncountable times#and she was just soo sick and tired of me doing that. which. honestly made me mad because she did not ever express that to me?? so#what was i supposed to do. if she never said anything.#anyway one of my friends confronted her about the treatment they were giving to me. the whole exclusion thing. and her answer was-#”well it's not my fault that she doesn't have more friends and doesn't talk to people”#and i was like. woah. what a poor reply. is that really it.. also apparently they all had agree to stop talking to me as a group-#-and they never informed me so. thank you?#and I'm still here asking what i did to that ex friend of mine. later on i found out she had hooked up with the guy i used to like btw#and she kept it secret. oh and then i started dating my current partner ! person she also felt attracted to. and that's my only explanation.#she started gossiping after what happened with the first guy. so that's really everything that comes to mind as a reason#ANYWAY now that i was at the hospital i didn't receive a single text from any of them. so i guess that was it. people who don't care-#-like that are not friends. those people are not my friends. people who ignore me on purpose and gossip like that are not. my friends#so yeah that's why I've been feeling down lately but ! here I am i ended up ranting so. much#rant#vent#?#woah i actually feel so much better after spitting it all#I'm also following that sour grape advice btw I'm not giving them the privilege of cutting me out. I'M the one who dislikes them now
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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I can't tell if you're super nice irl or mean
you out here reading my whump blog trying to sus out if i torture people in real life or what bud
#irl i'm so anxious and awkward that i come off as standoffish#i dont think that i've ever been described as mean tho#at least to my knowledge#i'm like a nice person who seems like a mean person idk#i'm not capable of being mean really i feel too bad lol
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I am ... not okay, actually. I'm really not.
#sorry this is cutting into my one day off now and I'm kind of pissed#They're all chatting out there and it's almost 1 fucking AM#'we'll only be up [here] for an hour' my ass#I really really hate that shit#my time is really valuable right now and I want to be home asleep so I can get up and enjoy my one day off for the week#but instead I get to hear them talking about me and saying things that aren't even true#'good for her!' < about working 6 days a week#NO IT'S NOT FUCKING GOOD MY MENTAL HEALTH HAS BEEN DOWN THE DRAIN SINCE LATE MARCH AND NOBODY IRL CARES#it's always me overreacting or 'that's called being an adult'#meanwhile I'm over here fighting for my life against the worst mental health issues I've had since 2020/2021#I want to go home#I want to sleep#I want to be anywhere but here#because it's late and the thoughts are getting bad again and I'm overworked and I'm just supposed to suck it up#meanwhile the gap between my last finished creative piece grows and grows and makes me feel more and more shitty#and I'm realizing maybe my spendong habits are linked to a desire for some kind of control on my life and it's just.#I want to scream and break things but I'm sensible so I won't#I thought we'd be home by like. 12:30.#and it's now past 12:45#and I'm having a breakdown in the back of the truck#wonderful start to week three /sarc#in my black book#scattered pages
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it's really upsetting me so to get it off my chest i'm gonna confess that the positivity posts i saw yesterday really hurt. i didn't realise that was a thing in this fandom, and i wish it wasn't because those things inevitably leave people feeling left out and like their presence isn't worth anything to the fandom (plus readers, rebloggers and commenters are integral to fandom community but don't usually get a shoutout). i'm already struggling because of this horrible trend towards using threads in discord which renders most of the servers inaccessible to me, i feel extremely isolated and alone and unwanted, but i was doing okay muddling along churning out fic and a few silly polls and posts now and then until yesterday. the fic i posted today just made me feel so sad after i posted it. it was a lovely fic :( but like what is the point. if i'm worth so little i might as well not be here. why put the effort into making things if no one notices. i already feel so lonely it's like i'm being torn in two, posting things now and then brought me comfort but idk what i have now
#i'm in a deleting everything kinda mood#no one remembered me? oh. okay :(#fuckin hurts so much#i want to finish the johnny stuff but i feel so unbearably miserable now and i don't want to spend hogmanay like that#but i also can't bear to leave it unfinished#i wish i'd never scrolled my dash yesterday then i'd never have known about those posts#it brought me so much joy to write and share those fic#absolutely crushing to discover i don't inspire the same joy in the fandom#i was kinda impressed with having written so much i thought it was kinda cool#maybe it's just really fucking annoying idk#sorry just so lonely and upset and the places i find sanctuary are falling to pieces and i'd actually like to die now thanks#so much shit is going on irl you have no idea and i don't have a support network it's terrifying#nothing i do is worth anything#no one wants me#did u no my mother discarded all the photos that had me in them? kid me just. discarded. she took everyone else and threw me out#shit like that hurts i wish i had a new family or friends to chat to as a distraction when shit gets bad#i mean i get discord dm notifications (not server mentions) if anyone dms me but lol guess how often that happens#i get tumblr dm notifications it's been the only place i've talked to anyone for ages so shoutout to those two wonderful people#god i just. want to be included?#i tried#i failed#fuck.#maybe this is goodbye idk i had stuff to finish up/share#and a million more fics i wanted to write#i don't even know if i can face doing tomorrow's johnny fic#i wanted to do the 12 days of christmas too :(#but the fact now exists that i just... wasn't good enough for this fandom :'(#also i can't face the notifications tab#if it's not a Direct Message i won't see it#god there was SO MUCH i wanted to share! there were gifs i was gonna make to share the suffering and gift fic and silly posts
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Currently fighting back tears because of something stupid
How fun /s
#so my parents are mad at me k think because i didn't want to go out with them despite going with them most of the time#and it's not fun seeing my mom mad#especially mad at me#that and I've been getting a thought about me being a bad person lately for some reason#like#let's just say I'm not too empathetic#i can't really tell if i say stuff just for getting pity or because i mean it#sometimes i feel like I'm manipulating people#i dunno#also I've been thinking about times my parents didn't seem to make sense to me#maybe i was just being a stubborn fool?#idk man#sometimes i wish i was as nonchalant as i look most of the time#but really I'm just a paranoic sensitive fool#ughhhhhh i think the internet's affecting me and turning me more sensitive#and y'know#you can't really survive irl while being so sensitive#not here at least#even the most sensitive person i know is rude as hell and doesn't let others push them down so easily#anyways all of those things combined are NOT a good match#at least i no longer feel like crying after writing this#sometimes it feels nice to scream into the void where no one can hear :) /gen#tw vent
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.
#pillars of eternity spoilers#i reached the endgame of poe a few days ago#and i *think* I've reached the big twist everyone talks about and like#the twist itself is cool bc it fits this world#but as an irl religious person I am so exhausted by the rhetoric surrounding it being present in nearly every game I play recently#why even create your world with [REDACTED] if they're not even gonna be [REDACTED] anyway#it was the same with DAI and I didn't like it then either#and like I'm kinda disappointed with myself I've been really enjoying myself and made it all the way to the endgame#but now I can't bring myself to finish it#not bc it's bad but bc it makes me uncomfy#and that makes me feel like a weenie#but yeah it's not even necessarily poe's fault#bc on it's own I feel like it's fine but the frequency of it with other games is just like. played out. for me.#anyway keeping this vent in a tag post bc I'm probably just being Dramatic#marie speaks
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i have finished the first part (of five) of les misérables! that's the good news. the bad news is that i now have to read the second part, which opens with a 70-page section entitled "waterloo". like babe i do not know what ANY of these nouns are though. i'm getting that there was a battle at which lots of people died horribly (as often happens in battles) and we are now describing the battleground thirty years later. okay so are we gonna do this for the whole 70 pages or...
#i think we're actually about to move on to describing the battle itself possibly beat by beat#so i'm getting ready to see a bunch of VERBS i don't know. never a dull moment!#at one point he hit me with like five unfamiliar nouns in a row but because i know the word for 'well' i'm pretty sure he was#talking about various parts of the well mechanism. words i probably don't even know in english because i've never used a well in my life#i saw 'meurtrières' & was like ok first thought is Women Who Kill. but in context i feel like it has to be some kind of war equipment#apparently it means arrow slits#i just feel like if you're going to take 70 pages to talk about waterloo it's probably for a reason#and i'm probably missing out on the reason because i'm just letting the sentences wash over me because i only half know what they mean#anyway. bad shit happened at waterloo! war is hell! that's my takeaway so far#i am really glad i already knew about the lion statue irl or i would have been so confused by that part lol#i would have been like sooo...is this a metaphor for something?#why would there be a lion on this hill in belgium#but unfortunately that's about the extent of my knowledge of waterloo. other than the fact that napoleon lost lol#les mis#my posts
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uuuUUGHGHGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
#vents 🌧️#I'm so fucking MAD#I've been seeing SO many fucking valentines day drawings today and I wanted to join in so badly#but I have my stupid fucking homework#and my mom said that if I get my homework done I can have 'a few minutes' of time#A FEW FUCKING MINUTES#yeah. great. so I can make a shitty doodle that nobody bothers to interact with#on the ONE fucking day I was hoping to get some attention#is that selfish? yeah it absolutely is. but I don't care. everybody's so fucking sick of me in real life#is it so bad that I want everyone to see me here? everyone to tell me how good I'm doing#I just want people to tell me I'm doing a good job#I'm failing all my classes in school. I have a terrible social life. I fall asleep constantly and I'm never fun to be around irl#all my parents do is nag me to do the homework I have no willpower to do and yell at each other outside my door#I'm doing a really shitty fucking job in real life. maybe if I got some imaginary fucking internet points I'd feel a little better#I don't care if it's selfish. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel admired. I want everyone to see me and think I'm doing so good#I've got nothing else. art's the last thing I'm good at. it's so fucking over for me. this is it.#it's rock bottom isn't it? my meds still aren't working. my dad is relentless in his anger. my mom is at her wits end#my friends at school give me maybe half of the love I give them if I get really lucky#my teachers are so fucking tired of me#who the fuck gives a shit anymore. this all feels so fucking pointless#who cares about regents or sats or college or jobs or anything. that's it. I give up. this is it for me.#I don't know how it's supposed to get better.#I'm so fucking sorry. I'm liveblogging an absolute spiral on here. I'm so sorry#if you read all the way down to here.. I'm not in trouble. I'm not going to do anything bad. you don't have to worry about me.#I'm just. so. tired.#I should probably delete this later.
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Tbh I should probably take a break. I almost definitely won't but I should, yknow
#idk i don't have much 'real stuff' happening irl besides like. job hunting and college applications. so it's hard#but i think if i at least ease off some time on here n read a little more n watch more movies i might start to feel better#haven't really liked where my head's been at lately it feels like whatever persona is The One Who Blogs is 'taking over' more#to put it in a very dorky comic book-sounding ass way LMAO but that's how i feel! like i'm losing my own 'voice' yknow#my mental health is Bad my physical health is also Not Great n i kinda feel like ass. if i'm being honest#idk i feel like i'm crashing from whatever high i've been on for the past couple of days n i'm not Really super happy w myself#except the media literacy posts those were good. but like the more discoursey stuff i'm not proud of#again sorry to like. publicly vent LMAO i'll be fine i'm good. i'm trying really hard to pull myself out of this#but again. sorry abt the Shite i was posting earlier today i wasn't really in my own right head#just kinda wanted 2 get all that off my chest idk if it's clear that i don't really have anyone i feel like i can talk to right this moment#i'm very socially isolated irl and i'm so scared of becoming socially isolated online too just bc i'm an idiot who doesn't think b4 he post#NOT to make it sound all about me or whatever but it's true. i'm very very scared of losing people n right now this is My Space#i'd forgotten just how bad it felt. in this Specific case it is kinda my fault tho LMAO don't worry i've apologized as best i know how#okay i'm done. i'm done. i'm gonna go watch tv and go to bed i hope#open mick night
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i hope you are doing well today!
this is a super late response since i haven't been active on here but thank you sm!! 😭🙏 you're so sweet, i really hope you had a good holiday season whichever holiday (if any) you celebrate 💙
#asks#i've been doing good! just more active on twitter rn lol. i think i may take a break though bc twitter is... twitter 🫠#i miss being on here bc it feels like my thoughts were more coherent and rather than forcing myself to speak on the current Disk Horse#i was able to think through what i said more. and not to say that everyone of my tweets is bad or anything Lol#i just prefer my mindset when i'm on here#in irl news! i moved to a diff more populated & diverse state to start college :]#i'm still getting settled and i've been. at home mostly since idk where to go around here#it kinda sucks but it'll change once i get into school and stuff#now for the monumental task of Make Friend ... 🫡#wish me luck haha :')#tysm for the ask again! it really makes me feel like a person when i get a hi#i'm always open for convos and questions .. finger guns#okay im getting cringy now goodbye
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MIGHT BE PLAYING FELIX IN A JUSTIN-RUN ONESHOT
#VICTORY SCREECH#we're going to colorado for a week in august to visit a friend and we're planning on a few nights camping#and it's a bit of a tradition with justin and I to play dnd when we go camping because campfire dnd is cool and great#the slightly awkward thing is that the friend we're visiting IS the DM for Felix's campaign which sort of immediately died#and I don't want her to feel bad or weird about it but also like#1) my past campfire oneshot PCs have been elyss and juniper-- both of whom I've played a LOT#2) it is not my job! to imagine other people's feelings and then change my behavior to manage those feelings I made up in my brain!!#ANYWAY!!! justin said he wants to know who we're playing so he can build around that rather than the other way around#and I said I'd have to think about it but man I am REALLY leaning felix he was explicitly designed to be fun for me to play#justin: I kind of figured this would be [marietta's beloved rogue] bait so maybe we're looking at a rogueshot? 👀#fucking. vibrates. I love my little guy so much#about me#my OCs#felix#husband#irl frens
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ive learned to kind of. accept my sickness a lot more this year but some days ET is just so fucking miserable :(
#taking meds every single day to fix me but they DONT fix me its just slightly less bad#if i dont take them at the perfect time at night i will get so dizzy i cant even move (but irregardless i will get sick and dizzy anyways!)#sometimes im like idk do i even NEED meds bc its still awful with them but its so much worse if i ever go without#and i really havent been sleeping well for the last month or so which ALSO does not help at all........#but i knoww my tremors are only going to get worse bc ive ALREADY declined a Lot since my dx#being this young with a disease common in middle aged + other adults is weird as fuck too like i've only been diagnosed for three years#i dont WANT it to keep getting worse for the rest of my life. i've hardly even LIVED any life. god#it makes me angry and i feel a bit bad for that but. nobody irl GETS IT#i literally cant do anything!!!!!! my eyes are shaking i cant read and w my hands i cant write rn. i dont have my guitar so i cant play tha
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