#and after reading that shit i still go hiking by myself in places where nobody could find me if i died. clearly i do not pay attention to

[ivanabaqero]

Since I just returned from rehab, here is my.. idk, emotional journey on my chronic illness + mental health or wtf ever u wanna call this. This is the most personal thing I have ever posted but I need to get it out. 

Before you read, I guess I gotta tw this for suicidal thoughts and descriptions of my symptoms.

I don’t even know where to start. It feels like all of this happened in one week and at the same in a span of several years. But no idea, time just kept passing and more shit happened. 

Last summer was pretty cool. I worked hard and made a fuckton of money - not really considering the consequences of the fact that I overstepped the boundaries of my body every single day. Either way, I regret nothing it was pretty cool and another experience I am glad I could make. Well, but when I came back home, I started to notice a few things. Among some weird shit nobody wants to know about, I noticed a change of my eyesight. There was a cloud right on the vision on my left eye and it got blurry. At first, it started with minutes and then it passed. But I knew my body responded to exhaustion in an odd way so I let it slide. As doctors have instructed me, only when it lasts over 24 hours it’s an actual episode/flare and I should go to the ER -- to elaborate this further, I have been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 2015 and have not had any bigger flares since, only the regular symptoms like fatigue, etc.

 I got treated with the regular medication; cortisone. This shit gave me some energy boost for a few days and then, things went back to somewhat normal. The blurry thing in my eye has changed into a weird ass thing called nystagmus. Basically, my eyeball was twitching. It was better than the blurry sight and my doctors told me that physical therapy was the only thing to help me with that, and up until some weeks ago this didn’t stop, at the moment it’s gotten way better though - a relief because that caused me mad headache and made reading really difficult.

Anyway, that was the smaller problem. A few months later, in December around Christmas, I have gotten really weak and have been constantly dizzy. As usual, I let it slide for some days. Up until that point when I couldn’t move from the bed or look at anything else but right up at the ceiling or I would get fucking dizzy. Back to the ER again, the same procedure began. Cortisone  resulted in a massive push of energy that lasted for some days, but after that, all the symptoms slowly returned. Not only that, but it started to get worse. I have been dragging and limping with my left foot since months but I still managed somehow to walk and get around. In January I had a major panic attack when I noticed that I couldn’t walk on my own to my doctors, which is merely an 8 minute walk away. I had to call my mom to bring me back home because I couldn’t go any step more. My doctor sent me to the ER but the next day, I decided that I was fine and being over dramatic and everything was perfectly fine. The whole thing kept getting worse, I could not walk anymore, I kept feeling dizzy all the time unless I was staring at only one spot: my laptop or phone. So that was what I did, ignore my symptoms. Adding to my chronic fatigue, dizziness, inability to walk and my eye problem, a sensitivity problem spread all over my body from the chest downwards. My hands hurt and my fingers cramped up and got stiff, I lost all feeling in my feet. I had an appointment at the neurologist thank god, or else, I would have let it gotten worse and kept telling myself that I am being over dramatic and nothing is actually wrong. Delusional? Maybe. I don’t understand myself there either.

The neurologist decided to keep me in hospital for a whole ass week, getting cortisone every day. I got in there with the ambulance in a wheelchair and left out of there walking again. Not perfectly, but I thought things were looking up. Of course, once the high dose of steroids begins to wear off and you slowly come down from it, you first catch sleep. Steroids this time have been given to me five days in high dose instead of three and in addition, I had to take pills that I had to reduce slowly over another two weeks. I did not sleep in those three weeks more than 3-4 hours per night and then I finally could. To make this more understandable; my brain was tired but my body was buzzing. I also had a tremor that has still not entirely left me as a wonderful side effect from the medication. 

That time stationary they finally put me back in a MRT and found 2 bigger new lesions. One of them in my cerebellum and the other in my spinal cord. Each of them causing me all those massive problems. Back at home I had physical therapy every day, but despite all of it, I had to rely on a wheelchair. I got my wheelchair in march and named him Otto because he is the best man ever. Next time in hospital, I was mentally and physically just fucking done and tried to just ignore how much my mental health was going downhill along with my body, the neurologist offered me stationary rehab at a very well known center where they treat several physical as well as mental illnesses. I said yes, and luckily got a place in July.

The initial plan was to stay there for four weeks, but the doctors suggested to extend to six. I did. And good that I did. I made slow progress. Very slow. To imagine, in twenty minutes at the first day I could barely walk 130m with four  breaks in between, with walking aid and what not - and my last day I made 640m in the same time with no breaks. I know this doesn’t sound like a lot but fuck -- I made it out of a fucking wheelchair. I am walking again. Not perfectly or any good, but my legs are used for their purpose again; to get me through this world. For someone who loves hiking and going for little walks alone, this was such a big deal to just not be able to anymore. 

The day I had the panic attack was the day I realized that in 2015 I made a promise to myself that if I ever have to rely on other people, I would end it. But I felt selfish for not wanting to end it. I felt selfish  for wanting to live and being a burden to people. I know, none of this is my fault and I am the first to give good advice, but am I good at handling my own shit? Absolutely not. 

With all the physical therapy I did for six weeks every day, I also had a psychologist that helped me understand myself better and deal with the trauma this experience brought me. I have to find another psychologist at home as well, because I didn’t feel the one I have helped me at all. I had to make a lot of promises to myself, such as accepting and asking for help and that it’s no shame in doing so. I feared losing my independence and I still do. But fuck, this experience was an eye opener in so many ways. I made new friends in rehab as well, which was one of the coolest things. And I got hit on by two attractive men - can you believe? I was in a wheelchair, dressed like absolute shit and not making any kind of deal of how I look! But yeah, my interest wasn’t really there to get involved in anything. I’ve got a lot of love to give but I need to give it to myself rather than pour it out on someone else.

I learned so many lessons, about my body and about my mind. My brain is an idiot and I have so many fears I was never even able to see until now. I thought optimism could beat everything and well... while it helps me a lot to get through every day life, every now and then I just need a slap in the face to look at things in another light. Not everything is fine if you tell yourself it is, no, you are not over reacting and you are allowed to feel sorry for yourself when life is dealing you a bad card. It doesn’t matter that other people have it worse -- it doesn’t mean your own shit is any less valid. And with that, I am going to wash my face and stop crying. I am still in a shock of reality state because I am  back at home now and everything is different. And I got to admit, I feel a little lonely. But I don’t want to reach out to my old friends at the moment with whom I felt like the “sick friend”. I want more friends in similar positions as me so I don’t have to feel bad for... well, feeling bad, and I don’t want to hear any more optimism monologues from healthy people who have absolutely no idea what it is like to have chronic pain, fatigue and overall; an illness. Whether it be mental or physical.

If you really read all of this, thank you. There was no need to, but I appreciate it. I honestly just needed to let it out. Because I haven’t done so properly since all of that started. 

[official-weasley]

Meant to Be (Charlie Weasley x OC)

What happens when Bill brings home a girl and Charlie is completely awestruck by her?

WARNINGS: cursing, angst

Chapter 18

Charlie

It was a few days after my birthday and I was feeling rather cheerful. My friends made a surprise party for me and nothing made me happier than Rhylee showing up. She seemed to be doing better. She was still shy and didn’t talk to me much but compared to before, this was progress.

It actually looked like she slept for once and she wasn’t trying to run away. Theo made her laugh with his stupid jokes and her hair wasn’t a mess for a change. I was happy she was doing better and I was hoping that with a little more time, she would come around and talk to me.

I hiked to my usual spot before work, a bit sad that she wasn’t there. I watched the sunrise and appreciated the silence surrounding me until I heard a roar. I got up at once and followed the noise. I could be mistaken but I think that was Gorra, our Chinese Fireball.

“What is going on?” I asked Andrew the second I got there, hands over my ears as Gorra didn’t stop roaring.

It sounded as if she was in pain.

“I think she stepped on something!” He replied.

“Charlie, where in the bloody hell is Rhylee?!” Theo shouted while trying to get Gorra’s attention.

I looked around, she was the only one who wasn’t there. I didn’t have a watch but I was pretty sure we were all supposed to be at work already.

“I swear if she’s late one more time, you’ll have to do something about it, Weasley!” Theo stepped aside just in time as the Fireball jerked her head, almost knocking him to the ground.

“Seriously, Charlie.” Evan looked at me, wand at the ready, observing the dragon’s moves. “We need one more person.”

“I’m on it!”

Damn it, Rhylee! Where are you?

I ran down to her hut as fast as I could and knocked. No answer. I pressed my ear on the door and I couldn’t hear anything. I knocked again, harder this time. Still no sound. I tried the door. It was unlocked.

It was empty. There was nobody there. But that wasn’t the weirdest part. It looked vacant. As if nobody lived here at all. There were no books on her coffee table as they usually were. The blanket she kept on the side of her sofa was gone. I didn’t dare to step further inside and investigate. What was going on?

“Charlie?” I jumped in the air at Peter’s voice and turned around.

“What are you doing?” He asked with a worried expression on his face.

“We need help with Gorra. Andrew reckons she stepped on something and we need more people.” I explained.

“Okay.” He said slowly. “I’ll help, no problem.”

“Let’s go then.” I stood still for a second longer and then followed him back to the Fireball habitat.

I couldn’t get the image of her empty apartment out of my head but I couldn’t afford to think about it now. Gorra needed help.

“Why were you snooping around Rhylee’s place?” He asked as we were hurrying up the hill.

“She didn’t show up at work and since we were a few people short I came to get her.”

“She didn’t tell you.” He murmured more to himself than to me.

“What?” I turned to him and I could see he was going about it in his head.

“Charlie,” he stopped and grabbed my elbow for me to stop walking as well, “Rhylee left the day after your birthday. I thought you knew.”

I stood and stared at him like a statue. I didn’t understand what he was saying.

“What do you mean she left?” I tilted my head. “I didn’t give her a day off.”

“Not for a couple of days, Charlie.” Peter said calmy. “She resigned. She left for good.”

I looked around and walked to the nearest rock. I had to sit down.

She left?

She resigned?

What the fuck?

I…I don’t understand.

She left without saying anything? Without telling me? Without saying goodbye?

I grabbed my chest as I was gasping for air. I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I was having a heart attack. This isn’t happening. What does he mean she left for good?

“Charlie!” Peter kneeled before me. “Are you okay?”

“I…what.” I looked up at him, still breathing heavily.

“I’m sorry, Charlie. I thought she told you. You two were so close.” Peter frowned.

I think he couldn’t believe it either.

Close? Apparently not. Apparently, I didn’t mean shit to her. Otherwise, she wouldn’t leave like this.

I turned my head as I heard another roar. I can’t deal with this right now.

I took a deep breath and got up. I started running toward the dragon, Peter right behind me. I knew he wanted me to stop and talk about it but I couldn’t. What am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to do?

Peter sent me home the second we immobilized Gorra and the healers came to help her. I don’t remember getting home. I don’t remember unlocking the door or taking my shoes off. I don’t recall taking my clothes off and going into the shower but here I was. Hands leaned against the wall, water pouring over me.

I was so confused. I kept shaking my head. I couldn’t believe it. She just left. Without even a note or any indication where she has gone or why.

Deep down I knew it was too good to be true when she got friendly again for my birthday. It was sudden but I thought she was finally moving on from whatever was bothering her so much. I know now that I was wrong. What was she doing it for then? For my sake? Because it was my birthday?

I stopped counting how many times she broke my heart. I simply couldn’t do it anymore. This was all too much. Maybe it’s for the best. Perhaps it’s better this way. I came to terms with the fact that I will never be able to call her mine and I was beating my head around the fact that we’ll work together for what might be forever.

I didn’t have to worry about that anymore. She was gone. Apparently, not carrying at all that I will miss her. That I am clueless about what has happened to her or where she is.

She didn’t care.

I felt as if someone hit me in the chest with a Bludger. Just saying the last sentence in my head broke something inside of me.

Fuck, it hurt.

This was unbelievable. I thought she needed time. I thought she’ll come around but I guess I was wrong. I guess I couldn’t read her after all and everything was just in my head; an illusion.

—

1 month later…

“Charlie, look at this!” John handed me the Daily Prophet and pointed his finger at a paragraph. “It’s about that dragon in Gringotts. Tomorrow’s the final trial.” He summarized it.

“I hope the Ministry sees that the dragon is innocent.” I said without much interest in my voice.

“Come on, mate. This can be your chance!” I looked up at him and raised my eyebrows.

“A chance for what?”

“You have been trying to track Rhylee down ever since she left. She’s going to testify, right? This is your chance to speak to her!” John exclaimed.

“Are you mental?” I frowned at him. “Why would I do that?”

“Because you still care about her, Charlie!” Theo spoke for the first time. “And don’t try and deny it. You’re a mess and you haven’t drunk a beer with us in a month.”

“We know you’re still wondering what happened to her and why she left the way she did.” Evan said gently.

“I can’t just go there and say hello. She didn’t bother telling me she’s leaving. She obviously doesn’t care.” I scoffed.

“You’re going to attend that trial if I have to drag you!” Theo stood up and banged the table with his fists.

“Alright, calm down!” I lifted my hands in defense. “I’ll go.” I glared at him. “Alone.”

“I’ll work instead of you, Charlie.” John offered immediately.

“Thanks, John.” I gave out a weak smile.

I looked down at the paper again, my heart racing. I hated that it still did. I haven’t seen Rhylee for over a month. Not a word. Not a letter. Nothing. I had no idea where she was. I asked around but nobody knew anything.

Peter asked some of his friends that work at the Ministry and nobody has seen her. I even reached out to Bill to see if he knew anything about it or if she spoke to him by some chance but until I wrote to him, he didn’t even know she wasn’t working at the Sanctuary anymore.

I didn’t want to go to the trial but I knew I won’t be able to forgive myself if I don’t go. I deserve a fucking explanation for her behavior. You don’t just leave without saying anything. It’s reckless, childish, and cruel. I know we were nothing more than friends but I thought we had strong enough of a bond for her to tell me that we might never see each other again.

I apparated to London the next morning. I was more nervous than I would like to admit. I hated this. I hated coming here and I dreaded talking to her. What am I supposed to say?

Hi.

Why did you leave?

How are you doing?

I can’t pretend like that. I am not a person to do that. It didn’t matter that I went over at least 10 scenarios yesterday, thinking of what to say and what might happen. I knew that I would freeze the second I would see her. I wasn’t even sure she was going to be there or if I would be able to catch her alone.

I made it to the trial just in time and spotted her at once. I thought my heart was going to escape my ribcage, that’s how fast it was beating when I caught sight of her. She was sitting in the middle of the room, waiting to be questioned along with a group of people for which I assumed were her previous co-workers.

They made some good arguments, defending the dragons but I got the feeling that the Ministry has already made their decision and that the trial was just a formality so that people who care about dragons wouldn’t protest. They didn’t stand a chance.

I saw the pain on Rhylee’s face when they told them that they are going to execute Kyan. I felt bad for her. I knew how hard she worked on the case. How hard we worked on it together and it was all for nothing. I hope she’ll at least have the chance to say goodbye.

She stood up the second it was over and rushed out of the room. I got up too and made my way outside. I have to follow her. This was my only chance to talk to her.

“Rhylee!” I shouted her name when I spotted her in the crowd.

She turned around and her eyes widened when she saw me. She turned back in the direction she was walking and continued to do so. I looked to the ground and inhaled sharply.

Am I really going to go after her? Shouldn’t I just let her go?

I will and I can’t!

I followed her outside. Great, it’s raining. As if the whole situation isn’t gloomy enough. She rushed into a nearby alleyway.

“Rhylee!” She stopped walking but she didn’t turn around. “Don’t you dare apparate away!” I knew what she was doing.

She was panicking. Was she too embarrassed to face me?

“What are you doing here, Charlie?” She was still facing away from me, her voice barely audible because of the rain.

“I came for the trial.” I said bluntly.

“Then why are you following me?” She looked at me over her shoulder.

It looked as if she was crying but I couldn’t tell with rain droplets running down her face.

“I want an explanation.” I said through my teeth.

I was trying to keep it together. But it was hard. I was so mad at her. She broke my heart by leaving.

“For what?” She turned to me and I automatically took a step forward.

“Stop with the bullshit, Rhylee. You know what for!” I raised my voice.

“What do you want me to say, Charlie?” She brushed the wet hair off her face.

“How about you tell me why you left without saying anything? Without telling me? Without any sort of inclination that you’re going to resign?” Fuck I wanted to run to her and shake her by the shoulders.

I wanted her to tell me everything and more. I wanted her to say everything she ever stopped herself from saying to me and I wanted her to say it straight to my face.

“I told you…” She closed her eyes slowly, gathering her thoughts. “I can’t repeat what happened between us.”

“Oh, go feed those lies to someone else, Rhylee! Because I am not buying it! That’s not the reason you left!” I shouted at her.

I can’t believe she tried to lie to me, again. Was it so fucking heard saying the truth for once?

“Nick couldn’t get over what happened.” She sighed. “I couldn’t see him be in so much pain so I left.” She said with a bowed head.

No.

Not buying it.

That wasn’t it.

I knew her too well and she was either playing stupid or wanted to hide the truth from me.

“I thought I was your friend.” I said softly.

“You are, Charlie.” Her shoulders sank.

“Then why are you not telling me the truth?” I asked.

“I just told you the truth, what more do you want from me?” She looked at me incredulously.

“I know you better than that Rhy, and I know you’re lying to me. Now tell me the truth. Why did you really leave? I deserve that much.” My voice shook.

“I…” She sobbed. I didn’t have to see her tears now to know that she was crying. “I felt too guilty being around you.”

“The truth, Rhylee!” I raised my voice again.

At this point, I knew I wasn’t getting any more than that so I was determined to get it. I needed it to move on.

“I…” She stuttered.

“The truth!” I muttered and took one more step toward her. “Give me the truth and I’ll leave you alone if that’s what you want.”

“I’m pregnant!”

My eyelids fluttered and I felt my knees weaken.

What?

I was slightly shaking my head, not sure how to comprehend what she just said.

“What?” Was all I could muster.

I couldn’t clear my head and I was hoping I heard her wrong.

“I’m expecting Nick’s baby.” She cried.

I closed my eyes and pretended that she wasn’t there. I tried feeling every raindrop that touched my skin. Is it possible to hear your own heart breaking? Because I am pretty sure that was the last thing I heard before the drumming started in my ears. My head was pounding and I felt like fainting.

She isn’t.

She can’t be.

What was she thinking?

With him!

Really?

I opened my eyes and looked at her. She was still standing there. I was hoping she would apparate away now. I didn’t want to see her face. It hurt too much. And I hated the expression on it. She was waiting for me to say something. What the fuck am I supposed to say to her?

I don’t think I slept for more than 2 hours the night Peter told me she left. I was going on and on in my head, thinking of any possible reason why she left. Why she was so miserable. Why she didn’t say goodbye. Her being pregnant wasn’t one of them. I was prepared for anything. I expected her to say anything but that.

Anything.

This changed everything. It was all over. I lost her. I really did. There was no turning back. No more chasing around. No more hope. She will never be mine.

I will never kiss her forehead again and run my fingers through her hair. I will never hear her laugh again and see that playfulness in her eyes. She won’t fall asleep in my arms and I will never be able to feel that connection between us. The tension. The many possibilities of showing each other affection and just how much we are meant for each other.

All of that was gone. All of that will never happen. I will never call her mine. I will never be with the girl of my dreams.

It was one thing when Bill fancied her and when she had a boyfriend. There’s always a chance things go south no matter how bad it might sound, me thinking about it.

But a child. I can’t compete with that. I can’t break up a family.

It really was over.

“Please say something, Charlie.” She pleaded. “I know you’re mad.”

“Mad?” I let out a suppressed laugh. “I’m not mad, Rhylee. I’m disappointed.”

I’m heartbroken.

But I can’t tell her that. It doesn’t matter now. It wouldn’t make a difference.

“I…I just thought…you know since everything…that…you know…” She started blabbering.

“How could you let this happen?” I frowned at her.

I knew it wasn’t my place to talk to her like this but I couldn’t help it. She ruined her life by staying with him and it pained me. It pained me so much.

“What?” She locked her eyes with mine.

“What were you thinking having a baby with him? With someone you’re not happy with!”

“That is none of your business, Charlie!” She screamed in my face.

“You made it my business when you distanced yourself from everybody! When you came to work late! When you started looking like you haven’t eaten anything for days!” She stared at me, her mouth slightly opened.

“What? You thought I hadn’t noticed? Everybody noticed, Rhylee! We were all worried for you and then you just left!” I threw my arms in the air.

“You wanted to know, so I told you.” She said biting her lip.

“And what do you want me to reply?” I questioned. “Want me to say that I’m happy for you? Want me to congratulate you? No offense, Rhy…but I can’t do that. You don’t look that cheerful about it either!” I turned away.

I couldn’t look at her anymore. It hurt too much.

I wanted to just walk away. I knew it would be dangerous to apparate. My mind was all over the place. I wanted to scream. I wanted to run. I wanted to disappear. This was all too much.

But I couldn’t. I couldn’t walk away from her. I couldn’t just leave her in the middle of the street. I wouldn’t do that to her even if she did do it to me. I still loved her. Fuck, how much I loved her.

We were standing like this for at least a minute. I knew she was still there and I could feel her eyes piercing through me. For some reason, I knew she felt bad. I know her. She didn’t want this. We never talked about things like this. Kids or having a family. But I knew she didn’t want it to happen like this.

With him.

But she’s right. It’s none of my business and it’s her life. She’s the one who ruined it. She could be happy. I could make her happy. I know I could. But she didn’t choose me. She chose Nick.

I took a deep breath and turned around again. I walked to her and wrapped my arms around her. She whimpered under my touch.

“Have a nice life, Rhy. I wish you all the happiness.” I whispered in her ear with the heaviest heart and walked away as fast as I could, knowing she won’t follow me.

[the-golden-ghost]

Things you said prompt number 17? Feeling like reading a bit of Jigoe angst 😁

17. Things you said that I wish you hadn’t

A lot could change in two months.

Jigen had been living wild since Lupin’s last supposed death (drowning, no body discovered, all of them far too jaded with him now to believe he was truly gone). In Jigen’s case, he probably wouldn’t have believed it even with a body. He knew how conniving Lupin could be. But there’d been no word from him, nothing but rumors of his continued existence on the mortal plane, and now they’d been summoned to one of their most secluded hideouts - not by him, but by Fujiko.

Jigen damn well hoped she knew something he didn’t, because he wasn’t going to work for her. But because she really might know something - and because Jigen was a damned idiot who didn’t know what was good for him - he was here.

It was one of their nicest places, too. Small, on a lakeside, hidden behind some big grassy hills and surrounded for miles by woods. A good place to rest. When they’d been up here together last, Goemon had hung wind chimes and the four of them had planted a garden which was now, as Jigen could see, overrun with weeds, but the chimes were still singing.

He parked his car and sat for a minute. No idea who’d be inside. There were no other vehicles he could see but that didn’t mean the house was empty. He just wasn’t sure he was ready to face any of them.

~

Two months ago Jigen had gotten the news and buried his grief because at this point he was numb to it. Lupin liked to screw around like this - he was magnificent and selfish and saw his own life as a stageplay that the world watched with baited breath. When he died - truly died, he’d assured Jigen long ago - it would be spectacular, the kind of death that shook the world to its core and that people would immortalize in song and story for centuries upon centuries to come.

Drowning wasn’t it, so Lupin was coming back. Probably. Either way that wound had cauterized itself long ago, for Jigen. It wouldn’t do any good to grab Lupin by the throat and demand what he couldn’t give. It didn’t seem to matter that Jigen got shaken to the core every single fucking time but Jigen was just one man, and he didn’t know how to write stories. So on it went.

Goemon was different. After the news came they’d stood together with their bags packed, ready to separate for an uncertain amount of time, and Jigen, shaken, had turned to the one man he loved who he was certain was still breathing and offered himself. What did a samurai need with a partner? Apparently nothing, because Goemon had refused his service and left. And it was that simple refusal that had been grating on Jigen since they’d seen each other last, because somehow, in his infinite stupidity, he’d thought Goemon cared enough about him to want to stick together. Somehow he’d made that mistake.

But no. Jigen was a man who faltered without someone to ride beside, but Goemon worked just fine alone.

~

After two months living city to city in and out of dives and the seediest motels money could buy, it was strange to be in a place with wind chimes. It felt like a waking dream, like none of this was quite real, or maybe it was just the scotch messing with his head. Didn’t matter. The door was unlocked and Jigen walked in with a rush of apprehension.

Nobody. The place was clean and empty and abandoned.

“Fujiko?” he asked to no one. She’d called them, so she should be here. But apparently not. “Lupin?” he called, more hesistant now. If Lupin were to truly just show up like this, casually, as if Jigen’s life were just an intermission he could stroll into whenever he felt like it - Jigen would probably shoot him dead right there and just get the inevitable over with. But he was still gone.

“Goemon?” He wasn’t here either. That made it easier. He shuffled off to the kitchen to get himself another drink and then slumped on the couch for a nap. The drive up here had been way too long.

~

Jigen awoke with a start in the early evening to find that he was no longer alone, that there was a shadow hovering by the window. He scrambled up; taking in through his dazed and blurry vision who it was. “Goemon?” he asked.

“It’s me.”

In spite of the rage and bitterness that he’d been clinging to for the past two months in a desperate bid to keep from collapsing, Jigen’s heart still pulled towards Goemon. Soft as he was, he would have forgiven Goemon for that abandonment. He would have forgiven him for anything.

Anything except for what he did a moment later, which was to recoil when Jigen approached him. “Jigen? Where have you been living?”

“Around,” Jigen said, taken aback by the reaction, his anger slowly rising. Damn him, he didn’t even want to go through a proper greeting? Even now? “Why? Do you care?”

Goemon studied Jigen for a long moment before looking away. “You look terrible. I would not doubt you haven’t even been trying to take care of yourself. Why didn’t stay in one of the safe houses? Lupin would not have denied you that.”

In truth, Jigen hadn’t stayed because it would have been hell on earth. Living day to day, alone in one of those empty half-homes with way too many memories per square inch but no people in sight. He couldn’t take it. Jigen needed cites; that impersonal human contact where no one knew you from Adam and didn’t give a shit in hell about you but where you were never isolated, never cut off from the world. There was security in living like a rat in a wall.

He didn’t say any of that to Goemon, though. Instead he decided to opt for something much nastier. “Maybe I just like living in filth. Guess we can’t all be as honorable and perfect as you, can we? Where were you? Wait - I can guess - training yourself up so you can get a better gig and stop associating with mangy dogs like me.”

Goemon’s gaze flickered angrily but he kept calm. “I have been training,” he said coolly. “And you are drunk by the sound of it. Not that I’m surprised.”

Jigen’s rage flared up again, in full force. “What the hell’s that supposed to mean? You’re not surprised? What, you want to fight me? I’ll show you how fucking drunk I am.”

Goemon didn’t move, nor did he make a motion to draw his sword. “I did not come here to fight anyone, least of all you. I came here because Fujiko sent for me.”

“Yeah? Well fuck Fujiko. Fuck her and fuck you. I’m out.”

He made it twenty miles back towards where he’d come from before he realized he hadn’t put gas in the car, ran out, toyed briefly with sleeping in the ditch on the side of the road, thought better of it, and began the long hike back to the house. He made it in by 1 am and collapsed onto the couch, too exhausted for words.

~

In the morning Jigen wasn’t mad anymore. Mostly because he felt like he’d been run over by a truck. Just didn’t have the energy, but more than that, he felt guilty about taking his losses out on Goemon. It wasn’t Goemon’s fault Jigen couldn’t survive two measly months flying solo without having a complete breakdown. Goemon had tucked himself away in the bedroom and wasn’t coming out. Fujiko was nowhere to be seen, still, and Lupin... who knew.

Jigen sat around for a while and smoked and wished he hadn’t come. But he had come, and he’d screwed things up, so. Over to the bedroom door he went, and knocked.

“Hey,” he asked hoarsely, opening the door a little. “You still mad?”

There was no reply, which meant the answer was probably yes.

“Cause... look, man, I’m sorry. I’m sorry about every stupid half-assed thing I said to you last night. And I didn’t mean a word of it. I just wanted to fight somebody and you were the only one here.”

Still silence.

“But that doesn’t make it right.”

No response.

“I’m comin’ in,” Jigen said finally. He wasn’t immediately sliced in half, so that was a good sign at least. Goemon was sitting on the bed, facing away from the door, deathly still and silent. “Goemon? Please look at me.”

Goemon did not. For all that, Jigen might have been invisible.

He took a step closer. “Look, I don’t care what you say to me,” he said between shaking breaths. “I don’t friggin’ care, Goemon. You can cuss me out if you want. You can say whatever you want to me - you can call me the lowest, dirtiest, most pathetic damn bastard you’ve ever met in your entire life. I don’t give a shit, I know what I am, I just - “ he broke off, pleading. “Just hold me, Goemon, for fuck’s sake I just need you right now, and -”

The words struck home. Goemon turned, looking startled, and reached out to Jigen. For a long while they clung to each other, squeezing tight, Jigen burying his face against Goemon’s neck, twining his fingers through his hair, and Goemon gripping Jigen around the waist and running a hand down his back, over and over.

“Did I hurt you? Bad?” Jigen asked finally, settling down on the bed next to Goemon, who, by some miracle, didn’t pull away, even when Jigen leaned against his shoulder.

“Nothing that I cannot survive. I’ve been training, remember,” Goemon said softly. “And you’re sure you’re all right? You don’t look well.”

“I feel like shit, but it’s just part of the territory. I’ll get better,” Jigen said.

“Good. I was worried about you, you know. While I was alone I was able to improve myself - I hope to be strong enough now to keep you and Fujiko safe at all costs. But I knew that the price was that I had to leave you alone for that time.”

“Well, I’ve been alone before,” Jigen said nonchalantly. “It’s okay. I’m used to it. It was kind of fun not having to do the dishes or listen to Lupin’s chatter.”

“I miss Lupin’s chatter,” Goemon replied.

“Yeah,” Jigen said sadly. “I do too.” They sat for a moment, united in loss. “Hey, Goemon?” Jigen asked after a minute. “Can we forget about yesterday? I’d rather just start over.”

Goemon sighed. “Yes, I think that would be best.”

The rest could come later. Fujiko’s plan, Lupin’s revival. For now, the two of them simply rested, side by side, for the remainder of the morning. They had a lot of catching up to do.

[percysaysfuck]

THREE OLD BITCHES KNIT THE SOCKS OF DEATH

I was used to the occasional weird experience, but usually they were over quickly. This twenty-four/seven hallucination was more than I could handle. For the rest of the school year, the entire campus seemed to be playing some kind of trick on me. The students acted as if they were completely and totally convinced that Mrs. Kerr—a perky blond woman whom I'd never seen in my life until she got on our bus at the end of the field trip—had been our pre-algebra teacher since Christmas.

Every so often I would spring a Mrs. Dodds reference on somebody, just to see if I could trip them up, but they would stare at me like I was psycho.

It got so I almost believed them—Mrs. Dodds had never existed.

Almost.

But Grover couldn't fool me. When I mentioned the name Dodds to him, he would hesitate, then claim she didn't exist. But I knew he was fucking lying.

Something was going on. Something had happened at the museum.

I didn't have much time to think about it during the days, but at night, visions of Mrs. Dodds with talons and leathery wings would wake me up in a cold sweat.

The freak weather continued, which didn't help my mood. One night, a thunderstorm blew out the windows in my dorm room. A few days later, the biggest tornado ever spotted in the Hudson Valley touched down only fifty miles from Yancy Academy. One of the current events we studied in social studies class was the unusual number of small planes that had gone down in sudden squalls in the Atlantic that year.

I started feeling cranky and irritable most of the time. My grades slipped from Ds to Fs. I got into more fights with Nancy Bobofit and her shit faced friends. I was sent out into the hallway in almost every class.

Finally, when our English teacher, Mr. Nicoll, asked me for the millionth time why I was too lazy to study for spelling tests, I snapped. I called him an old sot. I wasn't even sure what it meant, but it sounded good.

The headmaster sent my mom a letter the following week, making it official: I would not be invited back next year to Yancy Academy.

Fine, I told myself. Just fine.

I was homesick.

I wanted to be with my mom in our little apartment on the Upper East Side, even if I had to go to public school and put up with my obnoxious fucking stepfather and his shitty poker parties.

And yet. . . there were things I'd miss at Yancy. The view of the woods out my dorm window, the Hudson River in the distance, the smell of pine trees. Id miss Grover, who'd been a good friend, even if he was a little fucked up. I worried how he'd survive next year without me.

I'd miss Latin class, too—Mr. Brunner's crazy tournament days and his faith that I could do well.

As exam week got closer, Latin was the only test I studied for. I hadn't forgotten what Mr. Brunner had told me about this subject being life-and-death for me. I wasn't sure why, but I'd started to believe him.

The evening before my final, I got so frustrated I threw the Cambridge Guide to Greek Mythology across my dorm room. Words had started swimming off the page, circling my head, the letters doing one-eighties as if they were riding skateboards. There was no way I was going to remember the difference between Chiron and Charon, or Polydictes and Polydeuces. And conjugating those Latin verbs? Fucking forget it.

I paced the room, feeling like ants were crawling around inside my shirt.

I remembered Mr. Brunner's serious expression, his thousand-year-old eyes. I will accept only the best from you, Percy Jackson. I took a deep breath. I picked up the mythology book.

I'd never asked a teacher for help before. Maybe if I talked to Mr. Brunner, he could give me some pointers. At least I could apologize for the big fat F I was about to score on his exam. I didn't want to leave Yancy Academy with him thinking I hadn't tried.

I walked downstairs to the faculty offices. Most of them were dark and empty, but Mr. Brunner's door was ajar, light from his window stretching across the hallway floor.

I was three steps from the door handle when I heard voices inside the office. Mr. Brunner asked a question. A voice that was definitely Grover's said ". . . worried about Percy, sir. "

I froze.

Shit.

I'm not usually an eavesdropper, but I dare you to try not listening if you hear your best friend talking shit about you to an adult.

I inched closer.

". . . alone this summer," Grover was saying. "I mean, a Kindly One in the school! Now that we know for sure, and they know too—"

"We would only make matters worse by rushing him," Mr. Brunner said. "We need the boy to mature more. "

"But he may not have time. The summer solstice deadline— "

"Will have to be resolved without him, Grover. Let him enjoy his ignorance while he still can. "

"Sir, he saw her. . . . "

"His imagination," Mr. Brunner insisted. "The Mist over the students and staff will be enough to convince him of that. "

"Sir, I . . . I can't fail in my duties again. " Grover's voice was choked with emotion. "You know what that would mean. "

"You haven't failed, Grover," Mr. Brunner said kindly. "I should have seen her for what she was. Now lets just worry about keeping Percy alive until next fall—"

The mythology book dropped out of my hand and hit the floor with a thud.

Fuck.

Mr. Brunner went silent.

My heart hammering, I picked up the book and backed down the hall.

A shadow slid across the lighted glass of Brunner's office door, the shadow of something much taller than my wheelchair-bound teacher, holding something that looked suspiciously like an archers bow.

I opened the nearest door and slipped inside.

A few seconds later I heard a slow clop-clop-clop, like muffled wood blocks, then a sound like an animal snuffling right outside my door. A large, dark shape paused in front of the glass, then moved on.

A bead of sweat trickled down my neck.

Somewhere in the hallway, Mr. Brunner spoke. "Nothing," he murmured. "My nerves haven't been right since the winter solstice. "

"Mine neither," Grover said. "But I could have sworn . . . "

"Go back to the dorm," Mr. Brunner told him. "You've got a long day of exams tomorrow. "

"Don't remind me. "

The lights went out in Mr. Brunner's office.

I waited in the dark for what seemed like forever.

Finally, I slipped out into the hallway and made my way back up to the dorm.

Grover was lying on his bed, studying his Latin exam notes like he'd been there all night.

"Hey," he said, bleary-eyed. "You going to be ready for this test?"

I didn't answer.

"You look awful. " He frowned. "Is everything okay?"

"Just. . . tired. "

I turned so he couldn't read my expression, and started getting ready for bed.

I didn't understand what I'd heard downstairs. I wanted to believe I'd imagined the whole thing.

But one thing was clear: Grover and Mr. Brunner were talking about me behind my back. They thought I was in some kind of danger.

The next afternoon, as I was leaving the three-hour Latin exam, my eyes swimming with all the Greek and Roman names I'd misspelled, Mr. Brunner called me back inside.

For a moment, I was worried he'd found out about my eavesdropping the night before, but that didn't seem to be the problem.

"Percy," he said. "Don't be discouraged about leaving Yancy. It's . . . it's for the best. "

His tone was kind, but the words still embarrassed me. Even though he was speaking quietly, the other kids finishing the test could hear. Nancy Bobofit fucking smirked at me and made sarcastic little kissing motions with her lips.

I mumbled, "Okay, sir. "

"I mean . . . " Mr. Brunner wheeled his chair back and forth, like he wasn't sure what to say. "This isn't the right place for you. It was only a matter of time. "

My eyes stung.

Here was my favorite teacher, in front of the class, telling me I couldn't handle it. After saying he believed in me all year, now he was telling me I was destined to get kicked out.

"Right," I said, trembling.

"No, no," Mr. Brunner said. "Oh, confound it all. What I'm trying to say . . . you're not normal, Percy. That's nothing to be—"

"Thanks," I blurted. "Thanks a lot, sir, for fucking reminding me. "

"Percy—"

But I was already gone.

On the last day of the term, I shoved my clothes into my suitcase.

The other guys were joking around, talking about their vacation plans. One of them was going on a hiking trip to Switzerland. Another was cruising the Caribbean for a month. They were juvenile delinquents, like me, but they were rich juvenile delinquents. Their daddies were executives, or ambassadors, or celebrities. I was a nobody, from a family of fucking nobodies.

They asked me what Id be doing this summer and I told them I was going back to the city.

What I didn't tell them was that I'd have to get a summer job walking dogs or selling magazine subscriptions, and spend my free time worrying about where I'd go to school in the fall.

"Oh," one of the guys said. "That's cool. "

They went back to their conversation as if I'd never existed.

The only person I dreaded saying good-bye to was Grover, but as it turned out, I didn't have to. He'd booked a ticket to Manhattan on the same Greyhound as I had, so there we were, together again, heading into the city.

During the whole bus ride, Grover kept glancing nervously down the aisle, watching the other passengers. It occurred to me that he'd always acted nervous and fidgety when we left Yancy, as if he expected something bad to happen. Before, I'd always assumed he was worried about getting teased. But there was nobody to tease him on the Greyhound.

Finally I couldn't fucking stand it anymore.

I said, "Looking for Kindly Ones?"

Grover nearly jumped out of his seat. "Wha—what do you mean?"

I confessed about eavesdropping on him and Mr. Brunner the night before the exam.

Grover's eye twitched. "How much did you hear?"

"Oh . . . not much. What's the summer solstice dead-line?"

He winced. "Look, Percy . . . I was just worried for you, see? I mean, hallucinating about demon math teachers . . . "

"Grover—"

"And I was telling Mr. Brunner that maybe you were overstressed or something, because there was no such person as Mrs. Dodds, and . . . "

"Grover, you're a really, really bad fucking liar. "

His ears turned pink.

From his shirt pocket, he fished out a grubby business card. "Just take this, okay? In case you need me this summer."

The card was in fancy script, which was murder on my dyslexic eyes, but I finally made out something like:

Grover Underwood

Keeper

Half-Blood Hill

Long Island, New York

(800) 009-0009

"What's Half—"

"Don't say it aloud!" he yelped. "That's my, um . . . summer address. "

My heart sank. Grover had a fucking summer home. I'd never considered that his family might be as rich as the others at Yancy.

"Okay," I said glumly. "So, like, if I want to come visit your mansion. "

He nodded. "Or . . . or if you need me. "

"Why the fuck would I need you?"

It came out harsher than I meant it to.

Grover blushed right down to his Adams apple. "Look, Percy, the truth is, I—I kind of have to protect you. "

I stared at him.

All year long, I'd gotten in fights, keeping bullies away from him. I'd lost sleep worrying that he'd get beaten up next year without me. And here he was acting like he was the one who fucking defended me.

"Grover," I said, "what exactly are you protecting me from?"

There was a huge grinding noise under our feet. Black smoke poured from the dashboard and the whole bus filled with a smell like rotten eggs. The driver cursed and limped the Greyhound over to the side of the highway.

After a few minutes clanking around in the engine compartment, the driver announced that we'd all have to get off. Grover and I filed outside with everybody else.

We were on a stretch of country road—no place you'd notice if you didn't break down there. On our side of the highway was nothing but maple trees and litter from passing cars. On the other side, across four lanes of asphalt shimmering with afternoon heat, was an old-fashioned fruit stand.

The stuff on sale looked really fucking good: heaping boxes of bloodred cherries and apples, walnuts and apricots, jugs of cider in a claw-foot tub full of ice. There were no customers, just three old ladies sitting in rocking chairs in the shade of a maple tree, knitting the biggest pair of socks Id ever seen.

I mean these socks were the size of sweaters, but they were clearly socks. The lady on the right knitted one of them. The lady on the left knitted the other. The lady in the middle held an enormous basket of electric-blue yarn.

All three women looked ancient, with pale faces wrinkled like fruit leather, silver hair tied back in white bandannas, bony arms sticking out of bleached cotton dresses.

The weirdest thing was, they seemed to be looking right fucking at me.

I looked over at Grover to say something about this and saw that the blood had drained from his face. His nose was twitching.

"Grover?" I said. "Hey, man—"

"Tell me they're not looking at you. They are, aren't they?"

"Yeah. Weird, huh? You think those socks would fit me?"

"Not funny, Percy. Not funny at all. "

The old lady in the middle took out a huge pair of scissors—gold and silver, long-bladed, like shears. I heard Grover catch his breath.

"Were getting on the bus," he told me. "Come on. "

"What?" I said. "It's a thousand degrees in there. "

"Come on!" He pried open the door and climbed inside, but I stayed back.

Across the road, the old ladies were still watching me. The middle one cut the yarn, and I swear I could hear that snip across four lanes of traffic. Her two friends balled up the electric-blue socks, leaving me wondering who they could possibly be for—Sasquatch or Godzilla.

At the rear of the bus, the driver wrenched a big chunk of smoking metal out of the engine compartment. The bus shuddered, and the engine roared back to life.

The passengers cheered.

"Darn right!" yelled the driver. He slapped the bus with his hat. "Everybody back on board!"

Once we got going, I started feeling feverish, as if I'd caught the fucking flu.

Grover didn't look much better. He was shivering and his teeth were chattering.

"Grover?"

"Yeah?"

"What are you not fucking telling me?"

He dabbed his forehead with his shirt sleeve. "Percy, what did you see back at the fruit stand?"

"You mean the old ladies? What is it about them, man? They're not like . . . Mrs. Dodds, are they?"

His expression was hard to read, but I got the feeling that the fruit-stand ladies were something much, much worse than Mrs. Dodds. He said, "Just tell me what you saw. "

"The middle one took out her scissors, and she fucking cut the yarn. "

He closed his eyes and made a gesture with his fingers that might've been crossing himself, but it wasn't. It was something else, something almost—older.

He said, "You saw her snip the cord. "

"Yeah. So?" But even as I said it, I knew it was a big deal.

"This is not happening," Grover mumbled. He started chewing at his thumb. "I don't want this to be like the last time. "

"What last time?"

"Always sixth grade. They never get past sixth. "

"Grover," I said, because he was really starting to fucking scare me. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Let me walk you home from the bus station. Promise me. "

This seemed like a strange request to me, but I promised he could.

"Is this like a superstition or something?" I asked.

No answer.

"Grover—that snipping of the yarn. Does that mean somebody is going to fucking die?"

He looked at me mournfully, like he was already picking the kind of flowers I'd like best on my coffin.

Fuck.

[godlyborn]

wins & losses.

date: january 31, 2021 characters: cyrus rooke, victoria brant, & cora weidemann summary: the final installment trigger warnings: mention of blood (indicated where it is)

Victoria hiked up the hill, the waterfall next to her. "Jesus Christ, how many fucking waterfalls are in this place. It's so damn confusing. Vic turned to look at Cyrus. "Crooke, you coming or did you get your foot stuck in the mud again?"

Cyrus kept glancing over at the falls and it wasn't lost on him how beautiful the scenery around him actually was, but because he was sent here by Hecate... He absolutely hated it. He seethed as he trekked up to their destination. He couldn't stop thinking about how fucked up he let things get. He wasn't brought back to focus on reality until Victoria asked him about the mud. "I'm comin', I'm comin'," Crooke hid a heavy frown and kicked his right combat boot again to see if he could get some more mud off it. He then swiftly joined her up ahead. "I was fuckin' zonin' out," He explained and shook his head. "Sorry," He quickly added and looked up ahead. "How much farther until the next one we can check?" He asked.

“Could tell,” Victoria responded. “I think it’s just up this hill. Fuck, it’s kinda steep. There’s no way she didn’t put it here. It’s definitely here just to spite us,” Victoria said.

"It's gotta be this one. If it's not behind this one, then I'm gonna flip out," Cyrus admitted and sounded annoyed and rightfully so. He kept trekking along. "Nah, she didn't know we were coming. She probably just chose the most menial and irritating quest she could think up off the top of her head," He sighed and when it came upon the next bigger fall, he gestured to it. "—Is that the one?" He double-checked.

Vic nodded. "Looks like there could be something behind there," she replied. "Okay, just before we do this, if something weird happens, just protect yourself, okay? I know we've come all this way for this, but it is not worth losing our lives over. Especially yours, I don't know what I would do. I need you to look after yourself too, because I need you Cyrus." Vic took a moment to sigh, turning her eyes back to the waterfall. "Now that that's over." She looked around for anyone so that she could use her magic. "You don't see anyone right?"

Cyrus was fidgety and frowned at her when she warned him about protecting himself. "Toria, stop," He quipped back but only because it hurt to hear and think about the possibility of her getting hurt because of a situation he put her in. "If something happens and things get tense, I'll look out for myself," He lied but tried to assure her anyways. He glanced around and looked for any signs of other people. "Nobody's around," When he didn't see anyone, he focused on the falls again too. "You're good to go."

Victoria cast the spell, letting the water split so the two could get into the cave behind the waterfall. "Ladies first," she said, looking at Cyrus with a smirk.

Crooke was too hyperfocused on the task at hand, watching the water split, that he couldn't come up with a funny retort. He entered into the space behind the falls, a place others probably never got the chance to see. It was a cooler temperature under there and he glanced around again, only this time for a tablet and that's when he saw four of them sitting in display-like positions almost as if they were at a museum but without the glass protecting them. He began walking up to them and clenched his fists down by his sides. "Fuck, she really wasn't lying about picking the right one," He sighed. "I hate this.." He complained. "Which one do you think it is?"

Victoria followed Cyrus shortly after, letting the water fall once they were in the cave. She looked around, her eyes settling at the tablets before them. She read the Latin on them. "I don't know, the latin on them kind of makes no sense. She really made it hard for someone to take these," she mentioned. "I know a spell that may reveal it. It's worth a shot if you want me to use it?"

"If you don't think you'll exhaust yourself, y'know, usin' magic like this, this much, then," He spoke about all the things she'd been doing to help him through this. He stepped to the side and gestured widely out to the stone tablets. "—Do what you gotta do."

Victoria cast the spell, but her magic was no match for her mother's magic. Victoria could feel herself wear herself out, and she got dizzy for a moment. Vic held onto Cyrus for a moment to keep her balance, breaking the concentration of the spell. She shook her head. "I'm either not doing it right, or Hecate's magic is blocking."

Crooke helped support Victoria when she needed it. He shook his head and huffed in annoyance. "Fuck, fuck," He expressed and then let go of Vic after checking if she could stand on her own. "Okay, well, shit, we gotta take them all then..." He said and started collecting the stone tablets. He stacked them on top of one another after taking them from their places. Once that was achieved he turned to look at Victoria. "All right, let's get the fuck outta here?" He suggested.

"You can say that again," Victoria replied. As they started their way toward the waterfall again, Victoria was ready to perform the spell when she could hear the growling of dogs outside, but she knew better. She knew that it was most likely hellhounds. When they picked up the tablets, they most likely triggered something that sent hellhounds here to defend Hecate's items. Fuck, Hecate. Victoria held out her arm to stop Cyrus from moving forward. "You hear that?" she asked.

The growling of what sounded like dogs met his ears and he instantly looked down and checked the trinket that was hooked to one of his twin daggers. He'd stopped moving. The charm was glowing bright which signalled that monsters were near. "Shit," He exhaled. "—It's hellhounds," He confirmed without even having to see the monsters for himself. "Fuck, they sound close," He didn't want to say his next words but he was preparing for the worst. "...We're gonna fight?" He asked.

Victoria looked at him. “Yes we’re going to fight, what do you think we’re going to do? Let them just eat us or something?”

"Fuck no, I meant, we could try and run?" He gripped one of his daggers in his hands and the other cradled the tablets. "But, let's take 'em out." He said and gestured his head to the waterfall to signal to Victoria that he was ready to head out of the cave and face their opponents. "I'm ready."

Victoria nodded at him. "Cover me for a minute?" she asked. Victoria took a deep breath, before muttering the spell to split the waterfall so they could exit the cave, hoping not to be overpowered by hellhounds right away.

Cyrus moved to stand right next to the waterfall and, when it split in half, he rushed out and was ready for anything. He heard the growls again, but this time much, much closer. He turned and saw a hellhound only a few feet away. There was a few trailing behind. Crooke ran to meet it and dipped own into a low attack so he could slice at the hound's legs. When his attack landed, the dog yelped and recoiled as Cyrus tumbled away.

Victoria soon followed Cyrus out of the cave. He beat her to one fo the hellhounds, and she quickly unsheathed one of her daggers. When the hellhound lunged again after Cyrus' attack. She sliced at his throat, the hellhound soon turning to gold dust. Victoria looked behind her shoulder at Cyrus now, watching another lunge at him. Victoria said a quick spell, sending the hellhound tumbling back. "Run, now?"

With the hellhound he had attacked now gold dust by his side, Cyrus was thankful for Victoria even more-so than he was before. He prepared for another quick lunge out of the way of the next oncoming hellhound. But, Victoria cast it away with magic and much to his approval. He nodded at her question. "Yes, let's go." He said quickly and picked himself up. He surveyed the state of the tablets in his hand, began sprinting away and up the falls, away from the monsters that we're still on their heels.

Victoria sprinted side by side with Cyrus, but the hellhounds were catching up to them, and fast. Victoria, unsheathed another one her throwing knives, knowing she could sacrifice this one. She whipped it at one of the hellhounds, piercing it's body, it sticking within the hellhound's chest. It stumbled back before turning to dust.

The falls were tricky enough to navigate before finding the cave. Now that they had hellhounds on their heels and Crooke had one arm cradling a few stone tablets, it was much more difficult. He felt relieved that another hound had burst into dust but that relief was temporary as he lost his footing on the rocks and they gave way under him. He lunged to the side but it was futile as he lost hold of the tablets. They were sent flying and he was brought to the ground by gravity. "Fuck!" Crooke yelped and immediately had to roll out of the way of a oncoming hellhound. Luckily, he still had one of his daggers in his hand. He fought off a hellhound and turned it to gold dust. He then stood up and desperately looked for Victoria.

"No!" Victoria screamed as she watched Cyrus tripped and the tablets went flying. As Cyrus fought off the hellhound that caught up to him, Victoria dove to catch the tablets. She slid near the cliff of the waterfall, she would not let these tablets disappear, her and Cyrus have come so far. She managed to catch one, but the other three fell down and into the water. She winced slightly from the impact of diving for them.

In the moment of quiet between one attack and the next, several more hellhounds appeared from the shadows. They took advantage of how distracted the demigods were and lept forward, teeth bared and claws out. Before they could even reach Cyrus and Victoria, though, arrows soared from the treetops, landing neatly in one, then the next and the next. Little puffs of gold dust sparkled in the air as Cora dropped neatly out of a tree, her bow at the ready. She glanced toward Cyrus, flashed a smile and waved as she jogged closer. "Helloooo! I'm here to help you! Go find those tablets, yeah?" she shouted airily, then pulled at an arrow in her quiver and took aim at the next monster.

Cyrus was surprised to see somebody emerge from the tree top and drop down into the fray. He was thankful for the fact she took down so many of these pesky hellhounds. He nodded at Cora and took off to the edge of the falls where Victoria was at. Once he looked over the edge, searching for the tablets, he realized that he couldn't see any that of the tablets that fell over. "What the fuck, I can't see any of 'em." He complained loudly and with force and then looked at Toria. This was when he then realized she was holding one of them. "—What the hell are you doin'?" He asked and shook his head angrily and like he couldn't believe it. "You're not supposed to touch them!" He claimed. He felt like everything was going to shit and was beginning to get scared he wasn't going to be able to lift this curse.

The tablet started glowing the minute that Victoria held it, and as it glowed brighter, Victoria felt weaker. "The fuck was I supposed to do? Lose all of them? At least we have a chance with this one. I'll be fine. If we lost them, you won't. Besides it's too late, and it's glowing, that must mean something." Finally, Victoria stood, she was about to hand over the tablet to her best friend, when she was overcome with a dizzy spell, and stumbling to her knees on the ground again. She let go of the tablet, as if she knew that's what was causing her to feel weak. She took a breath, looking up at Cyrus again. "Let's just do what she says, find the tablets, or at least try to."

While Cyrus turned around, Cora released her arrow, creating a brand new plume of dust. But the final two closed in on her, too close for shooting. Cora jumped back a few feet while she slapped her bow against her arm— the weapon shrank back down to a metal band that circled her upper arm. In the same fluid motion, she pulled at her wristbands, transforming them into long daggers. She slashed, dodged, and dug her blade into fur until she was standing alone, lightly dusted in gold. "Woo!" she cheered, putting her attention onto the others. She waved again, blades still in hand so it looked like she was brandishing it into the air. "Hello demigods!" she called out, then paused, noticing their distress. "What's wrong? More beasties in the water?"

Crooke watched as the tablet glowed while in Victoria's grasp. It must mean something, he mentally confirmed to himself. She had a point. It still weighed on his mind what possible horrible scenarios could come from Victoria touching what she was warned not to. When she dropped to her knees, he lunged forward to try and catch her but she was already down. He did what he could and, when Cora came over, he sighed loudly. "No, I think that's all of 'em," He observed and scooped up the tablet that Toria wasn't holding anymore. "But, I lost some of what we came here for. They went into the falls." He confessed to the stranger and sounded bitter and tired.

Victoria finally stood, when the world was spinning less than before. Without the tablet in her hands, she felt a little better, but she kept that to herself. She took a few more deep breaths to compose herself. Victoria smacked Crooke's arm when he had a bitter tone to his voice toward the girl. "Don't be an ass, she literally just saved our lives," she told him. She turned her attention on the other girl. "Who are you? How'd you know we were here?"

Cora leaned forward, keeping her blades behind her back and out of the way, squinting at the tablet that was now in Cyrus's hands. "My name is Cora," she replied, glancing up to smile at Victoria. "I'm a Huntress! I've been at New Athens, but Artemis and Chiron asked me to make sure you were making it home okay. Good thing I am here, yes? No offense! You were very impressive. But it's been a long journey, so I can ease the burden. There were more of these?" she asked, gesturing to the stone with her chin. "Shall we search?"

Cyrus listened as Cora explained the reason for her being there and he was silent. He clenched his jaw for a moment and then sighed. "Yeah, there's two others. We aren't for sure which ones we needed so we took all of 'em," He explained and looked at the tablet in his hands. He swallowed hard. "Yea, we search," He agreed. "This one might be the one we need, but if we can, I want to try and find the others..." He sighed and turned but then stopped. He looked back at Cora. "—Thank you." He finally said and then began finding a way down and closer to the water.

"Yeah, good thing," Victoria answered, then added, "I wasn't really supposed to touch any of them." Victoria started to follow Cyrus. She pointed to the stream the waterfall poured into. "This one has a stronger current, it could've been taken a little down stream," she pointed out.

Cora's smile widened and she nodded enthusiastically. She pressed her daggers to her wrists until they morphed back into wristbands, then skipped over to the edge of the nearest waterfall. "Is there any magic that can find them?"

"I doubt it." Crooke responded as he started the search through the falls to find the missing tablets. He didn't even bother to glance over at Toria to check if his reply was true or not. At this point, he was pessimistic but it felt warranted because of everything they'd been through.

"I can try," Victoria said. "I know a spell, but magic didn't work on the tablets beforehand, I doubt they will now."

“Hm.” Cora peeked over the edge, squinting as if she could see what lies below. She kneeled down and stuck her hand in the water, feeling the current run over her palm. “By the speed of the water....” she mused, “I have no idea where they could be by now. Alas.” Cora stood and shook the water from her hand. “Let’s move downstream quickly, then!”

Cyrus looked around the area where the tablets had fallen in and wasn't seeing them anywhere. Upon hearing Cora's instruction, he sighed and then eventually nodded. "All right, right behind you..." He gestured.

Victoria followed her best friend and the huntress downstream, still feeling weird from beforehand, but she didn't bring attention to it, knowing this trip was for Cyrus. "I mean like the one I grabbed glowed that's gotta mean something, right?" she said. "If we don't find the others."

Cora bounced down the side of the stream, keeping her eyes fixated on the water as they walked. She nodded in response to Victoria, though she was unsure if the question was aimed at her. "Probably. Glowing usually means something. Though sometimes that something is a trick."

"I don't know. Fuckin' hell, this is bullshit." He complained as he stopped walking. He looked down and began inspecting the tablet in his hand. He frowned deeply at it. "I usually know when things are tricks." He stated. "I knew it was a trick when Hecate told us that there were going to be many stones to choose from..." He cursed, not at Victoria but was still facing her as he was focused on the tablet. "I thought we were pullin' one over on her by grabbin' them all, y'know?" He asked, looking at Toria now. "None of the other ones glowed though..." He mused and shook his head with his eyes closed. "Maybe we do have the right one...?" He thought about fate as he said these words.

"It's worth a shot. I feel like we're not exactly getting anywhere digging through water to find magical tablets," Victoria replied, "When honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if they were all the same, and she just wanted to pull a fast one on us and act like they were all different."

"Very likely!" Cora chirped, her eyes still glued to the water. The sun was starting to fade fast, and she lightly tugged at one of the bands around her arm until her bow reappeared. "I'm afraid we may have to take a gamble on this one, then, as the light is going away." Finally, she looked back toward the demigods, her expression a touch more serious. "You have a gut feeling that this is the one?"

Crooke took it all in, the situation, the tablet, everything... And then he nodded with conviction. "Yeah, this has to be the right one."

Victoria nodded at the other. "Okay, let's get to the car. I want to get this shit over with."

Cora’s grin returned and she nodded. “Then I believe in your guts! Let us go. I can guard us on the way.”

"Fuckin' hell," He groans under his breath but mostly at Hecate's antics. He frowned but nodded. "All right, let's get outta here." He agreed.

------------------------- time skip ---------------------------

 Victoria set up the candles, the Lavender, and Garlic again. She drizzled the honey over it. Just like before, she looked over to Cyrus. Then she looked at the huntress. "Ready?"

Cora's eyes were bouncing all over, from object to object, place to place. "I am going to remain quiet," she announced. She'd put her bow away out of respect for the goddess they were about to meet, but she was still on high alert for monsters. "But I am here to help, so let me know if you need me to step in. Maybe a little tug at your ear?" She mimicked this motion, pulling lightly on her earlobe. "But yes, I am ready."

"Yeah, that works," He agreed to Cora but still sounded exhausted and a bit annoyed. He then looked at Victoria. He sighed. "Yeah. Go for it. Summon her ass here," He said. "It's now or never." He complained.

( tw blood ) Victoria opened the book, reciting the latin that she did not too long ago. Except this was different, and she could feel it. It was like she was saying the words, but the magic wasn't happening. When she was done with the spell, nothing happened, she felt something drip from her nose, bringing her hand up to it only to be met with blood. She was silent for a moment, before she finally said, "What the fuck?"

She kept to her word to stay quiet and out of the way, but the surprising lack of magic (and Victoria's panicked response) put Cora a little on edge. She didn't sense anything nearby, but her hand was at her arm anyway, fingers hooked on the metal band there. She turned slightly as her eyes continued to glance around, ready for a fight if one were to come.

Cyrus stood there with his arms crossed as Toria tried to cast her spell. Seeing the blood drip from her nose surprised him and he didn't know what was happening. He knew it wasn't good and stepped closer to Toria with unfurled arms. "Shit, are you okay?" He questioned and his brows were still tense but his tone was worried. He knew but blood meant something bad. "Is it overexertion from all the spells you've had to cast?" He questioned and hoped that was all it was as he stood close by.

Victoria shook her head, as her heart sank thinking back to her mother’s warning about the tablets. This was wrong and she was nervous that maybe this was her punishment. She shook her head at Cyrus. “I don’t know,” she told him. “Something’s wrong. It’s like it’s not even working.” 

“Just, let me concentrate,” Vic said, standing up. Victoria closed her eyes, taking a deep breath, focusing on the wind, trying to hear anything that showed Hecate was coming. She began the spell again, but it was the same as last, nothing felt like it was working. 

 Now, Victoria was angry. No, fuming. Her mother had taken so much, this was not going to be ruined either. She threw the book to the ground, looking up at the sky, tears in her eyes. “We did what you wanted!” she screamed, hoping that wherever Hecate was she could hear her. “Everything you asked, we did it. So you better get your bitch ass here!” Victoria was crying now, they had gotten this far, it couldn’t just be over.  Victoria was met with silence. Victoria lowered to the ground, her knees meeting with the pavement, tears streaming down her cheeks. “Please,” she begged, her voice in a whisper.

Crooke was prepared for the spell to work but, with the way things were turning to shit, what was left of his optimism was deflated. He almost encouraged his best friend but he couldn't bring himself to speak any encouraging words. 

By now, he had pieced together what the consequences were. Victoria's magic had been taken away as soon as she had touched the tablet. He listened to her scream and shout. It was almost like he was watching the scene from above himself. Victoria's words were sharp and made his head ache. When she broke into a crying whisper, so did his heart. 

Cyrus stepped forward as it seemed like Victoria was going to need consoling. A quick spark of a spell made his stomach drop because he now saw who had materialized before the trio. "You should know that I was busy, so make this quick." Hecate spoke and it sounded like a demand. "Thanks for the show too, I really enjoyed it," Hecate continued, as if she was here the whole time, watching her daughter break to pieces. 

Victoria looked up when she heard her mother, her eyes meeting the cold eyes of the other, tears streaming down her face now. She put together at this point that this was her punishment. "It's up to you now, we got your tablet," she snapped at Hecate. 

Hecate raised her eyebrows, "Now that's no way to talk to someone who is doing you a favor." Hecate tilted Victoria's chin up, and Victoria flinched away from her, turning her face. Hecate smirked, like she achieved something. "You touched the tablet, didn't you?"

"Of course she fuckin' touched the tablet. You set us up! If it wasn't for your damn hellhounds, then she wouldn't have!" Cyrus barked up from behind. His hands were fists and anger coursed through him like electricity. Facing the problem head on, he stood next to Toria now.

Hecate rolled her eyes at the child of Hermes, almost bored, though she was quite amused by his antics. "You're ridiculous, just like your father. They were protecting my tablets." 

"You could've warned us," Victoria replied. 

Hecate let out a laugh, as if what Vic had said was absolute nonsense. "Warn you? Where's the fun in that? I raise kids that are strong, that can handle themselves against hellhounds." 

Victoria practically growled at Hecate. "You didn't raise me, you're just an egg donor, or whatever the heck you do to reproduce." 

Hecate raised her eyebrows. "Oh Little Witch, you are much more like me than you realize, despite that tablet taking your magic." Victoria's heart dropped at that statement. She never thought of herself as anything close to Hecate, even with her magic. Hecate not only scared her about that, but also confirmed her fears of the punishment of the tablet. Hecate held out her hand, impatiently. "Speaking of, are you going to hand it over, or no?"

Cora's mild expression slowly morphed into a frown as she watched the exchange with the goddess. She held her weapon behind her back and stepped a little closer, dipping her head respectfully. "If they give it over, you will lift the curses, yes?" She smiled. "I would hate to report to Artemis that this was a long, meandering waste of time against demigods that you swore to stop harassing."

Hecate wasn't nervous, she spent years paying for her actions, plus these demigods sought her out. Hecate rolled her eyes once more, brushing the young huntress off. "Do not threaten me child," she said. "I already said I would lift the curses, no?"

"Then take your bullshit tablet and lift all of the curses you cast on me. Do it already." Cyrus said through clenched teeth and had a strong sense of what he should in the moment. It varied from how he wanted things to go. He wished he could just beat her ass like any other demigod. This made him even more bitter towards the entire pantheon as a whole. 

"You really need to learn how to hold your tongue." Hecate said with a pointed yet calm tone. She now held the tablet in her hands. She held out the fabric of the long cloak she was wearing and she tucked it away; disappearing into the darkness. 

"Trust me, I am." Cyrus replied. She composed herself and focused on him again. She did some sort of freaky hand motion and a sigil unfamiliar to him glowed brightly in front of Victoria and him. Also, he wasn't sure if this correlated but all of a sudden his headache was gone too. 

The sigil disappeared. "They are all gone now," Hecate confirmed with a godly nod of her head. "Now, I did say I was busy, didn't I?" She turned and dematerialised just as she had done to arrive. The air shifted and Crooke felt like he could take a breath.

Victoria looked over at Cyrus, finally standing up. "Did it work? Was that it?" she questioned. All that for Hecate to do some hand motion with a sigil? What the fuck? "You don't think it's a trick do you?"

"Um, no," His brows were brought together and he faced her. He didn't know what it was that made him think this, but he replied anyways. "I think she was telling the truth..." Cyrus sighed again and, although he looked rough, he felt a little bit better. "For once."

"I also think she was telling the truth," Cora said. She looked at the spot where Hecate stood. "She bluffs, but the gods keep a close eye on her after what she did. Especially Artemis, and our father." This last part she directed to Cyrus only. "If she was using some sort of trickery, then there could be... trouble. I doubt she wants that."

"Our father?" Victoria said, catching on to what Cora just said. "You're a child of Hermes?"

Cyrus heard what Cora had said and he tried to muster up his usual energy when getting to meet a new sibling. "Uh— What? Wait, whoa, why didn't you say anything earlier?" He asked. "Good to know Hermes always makes bad-asses." He remarked with a little smirk.

"Oh." Cora put a hand to her forehead. "Right! We are siblings, yes. I forgot to say so. Technically, I am a child of his Roman counterpart, but it's close enough." She smiled at him. "He does! You are quite badass, Cyrus. And you, too, Victoria." Cora put her hands on her hips. "And now I can escort you two badasses home."

Victoria had already started to pack up the stuff around them. As much as she just wanted to leave all of it here, she couldn't do that. She just wanted to forget about what happened, she wanted to fall asleep and hope this was all just some bad dream. She was happy for Cyrus, but she couldn't help but feel lost about what happened. She gave a soft smile at Cora, trying to cover all the pain she was feeling. "So like me and Jordan," she told Cyrus. "Yes, let's go home."

[yourdeepestfathoms]

Olly Olly Oxenfree (part one)

An fic based on the indie horror game, OXENFREE!

or: Joan and Cathy are step-sisters and fuck shit up for everyone, the AU

Also it’s super dialogue heavy I’m so sorry-

also also- Cathy has a beanie

TW: Underage drinking and one (1) weed brownie that’s vaguely mentioned

———————

Ask A Man About A Dog

“It used to be a military base! Well...it used to be a ranching thing, then it turned into a military thing, then it became a bird thing and museum and- whatever! Henry Fonda found a station here for a bit. Unless that’s wrong...”

“Who’s Henry Fonda?”

“And around Christmas time, this little breakfast place used to sell these AMAZING polar bear sugar cookies! MAN, those were good! But then they had to go and change the recipe and ruin it.... Joan, hey? Still with us?”

Joan blinked and looked up from the wine-dark waves lapping at the side of the ferry. She turned, feeling the sensation of pins and needles spreading up her arm thanks to how long she had been leaning against the guard rail, and faced the two girls standing a few feet away from her.

The first was familiar- she was around her height, pale, and had her hair done up in magnificent spacebuns that just screamed that her personality was eccentric. She was grinning like a mischievous gremlin- or maybe a raccoon, to be more realistic, however “monkey” jumped out at Joan, too.

The second was less familiar- very tall, dark skin, and her hair done in a way that would make Joan’s head hurt if she attempted it with her own. At first glances, this girl gave off a bookish appearance, but she seems more extroverted than Joan had been expecting, probably because of the beanie she was wearing (it was most likely just there because of the cold). Still, the image of an owl still remained.

“Yeah, sorry,” She finally said, learning how to speak and enunciate again. She pulled her grey coat closer around her. “My mind drifted for a second.”

Anne scanned her for a moment. Despite being outlandish and wild, she still worried over her friends when she thought something was wrong. That’s one of the many things Joan liked about her.

After the frisk with her eyes, she nodded, then wheeled around on her heels so she would be facing the other two.

“So, you’re all moved in?” She asked.

“Uh— not- not really.” The second girl answered. “I just got in this morning.”

“And how did her mum meet your mum again?” Anne continued with the questioning.

The girl laughed slightly. “They met on vacation in Scotland. She got lost in a— actually, I’m not even gonna tell this story.”

“Uhh, yes, please don’t,” Joan jumped back in. “We don’t need to relive their meet-cute anymore than we have to.”

The waves of the ocean jars the boat slightly. Joan doesn’t miss the way the dark-skinned girl clenches one hand on the guard rail. Anne, however, doesn’t even stumble as she makes her way to the deck to look out on the nearby island.

“And you guys just met tonight?” She asked.

“Yeah,” The girl swiveled around to keep Anne in her sights. “I was, umm... Out of school and the time just had never worked out, so...”

“And what does that make you, then?”

Joan and the girl exchange looks, blinking. They both turn back to Anne, whose eyebrows are raised in interest. That gremlin side of her was coming out strong.

“A, uh...” The girl uses her free hand to scratch her head. “A second cousin?”

“She’s my step-sister.” Joan said cooly. Out of the corner of her eye she sees the girl smile at her slightly.

“Oh yeah,” Anne laughed. “I forgot that was even a thing!”

Once again Joan and the girl give each other glances. Joan notes how she seems more relaxed after her step-sister statement, which makes her oddly happy.

“Well, you seem cool!” Anne began again, “Cool girl, cool hat...you get a cool new sibling living right in your house!” She smirks, “Sharing your toothbrush...wearing your clothes...”

“No, that’s-” Joan’s voice falters. She hears the girl snort into her hand. “That’s the weird part. Don’t make it weird, Anne! Getting a new sister isn’t like- like getting a puppy or something.”

“No, yeah, it’s been totally bizarre.” The girl said. “But, for the record,” She looks at Joan, “I don’t consider you to be a pet.”

Those words are left awkwardly hanging in the air before the waves seem to wash them away with another bob to the boat. The girl clenches her hand on the railing again, and uses the other to straighten her beanie, which the wind had been trying to rip right off of her head.

“So...” She started. “How did you two meet?”

“Oh, from way back when! Like, Paleozoic! Grade school era!” Anne said enthusiastically. “Young enough that I’ve seen her naked in a bathtub and it wasn’t sexual at all. I mean, we both looked like little skinned potato blobs-”

“Ahhh, Anne!!” Joan squealed. She could feel her ears flaming red. The girl at her side gave a laugh. “Why are you even talking about that?!”

“It’s humorous!” Anne giggled. Before she could go on and possibly embarrass Joan again, a voice on the ferry’s loudspeaker speaks up.

“PASSENGERS, WE WILL BE ARRIVING SOON. CHECK UNDER YOUR SEAT TO MAKE SURE YOU HAVEN’T LEFT ANY OF YOUR PERSONAL BELONGINGS.”

And, as it did so, Anne repeated the speech in a bored, stoic voice.

“How do you-?” Joan tilted her head.

“It’s a recording. They always play it.” Anne tells her before she could even finish. “Oh!” A new idea has already popped into her head. “We should get a picture! All of us!”

“Sure, why not.” Joan shrugged. “Come on, Cath.”

The girl nodded and finally pried her hand loose from the guard rail. They both walked over to Anne, who held up her phone and snapped a photo of all of them.

“There, great!” Anne beamed. “Also...it’s Catherine, right?”

“Yeah,” The girl nodded. “But just call me Cathy.”

“Cool! Oh, hey, Joan! You brought the radio, right?”

“Of course,” Joan said, then pulled a small, portable radio out of her pocket. “What’s it for, exactly?” She craned her head around to look at Cathy, “She sent me around twenty messages in all caps to bring this thing.”

Cathy laughed.

“You’ll see,” Anne said. “Trust me, it’ll be cool!”

A horn blares as the mist rolling over the ocean in its own waves of white parted so they could see an island coming up. The ferry begins to slow before coming to a halt at the docks. Anne eagerly bounced off, followed by Joan and Cathy.

“Smell the clean air, boys and girls! Err- Girls! This ain’t city livin’.” Anne said, “So, the others should be up and around the bend and...”

“Actually-” Cathy started abruptly. “I don’t mean to break us up already but- Anne, can I have a moment with Joan?”

“Uhh-” Anne blinked. “Really? I-”

“Is something wrong?” Joan looked up at Cathy- it was only then that she realized how tall the older girl really was. “What is it?”

“Nothing’s wrong, nothing’s wrong,” Cathy said, sensing her worry. “It’ll take, like, two minutes. Super fast.”

“I really don’t want to go up by myself-”

“No, I need to hear this, Anne. We’ll meet you up ahead, okay?” Joan said.

Anne’s mouth hung half open for a moment before she blinked and scratched her head.

“Umm- Alright. This is a weird way to start out...splitting up...” She said as she began walking away. Soon, she was out of sight, shrouded by the dark fog, and only the sound of the waves lapping the rocky shore was left behind.

But only for a moment.

“Listen,” Cathy started. She looked sheepish. “I just wanted to catch you ahead of time and say you’ve been...cool...about everything. And I guess just for me I’ve- you know, I’ve never moved around anywhere, and getting a new family during it all feels like I’m skipping the training wheels.” She pauses, then hurried to continue, thinking that that was a bad place to stop. “Not that it’s bad it anything! You and your mum have been great.”

“Eh, we’ll make do.” Joan said, shrugging her shoulders to try and mask her own anxiety with the whole thing. “Lemons, lemonade- however that goes.”

“An optimist.” Cathy said bitterly. “Oh, Christ.” She laughed. Joan laughs, too.

It feels nice to laugh with a sister.

“Oh, and thanks for setting up the attic for me. It’s cool how it’s like a little bedroom!”

(It feels nice to laugh with a sister again)

“That was, uhh-”

A pang of pain stabs right into Joan’s heart, wrenching it until it was mush in her chest. She glances wryly at the dark ocean water nearby and then can’t pry her eyes away. If she squints, she swore she could see a flailing figure...

“Joan?”

Cathy’s voice cut through the roaring waves in her ears.

“That was Maria’s room.” Joan whispered.

Breathe. She told herself, Like mum taught you. In five, hold three, out five... Breathe.

“There, uh-” She found her voice again. “There wasn’t that much to set up.”

Cathy’s hands, which had been on Joan’s shoulders to steady her, pulled back. They clench as she seemed to internally cringe for what she had accidentally made her new step-sister say.

“Oh. Oh, man. I’m so sorry.” She said. “I didn’t mean to bring it up.”

“It’s okay,” Joan said quickly, “You didn’t know.”

An awkward silence came between them. Instead of looking at the other, they both were scanning the island.

The only thing on the “bottom level” of the island was the docks, some cars, a bookstore, and a large tunnel that was closed off. Once the sisters decided to head back to Anne, they walked up some stone steps planted into the earth and onto the “second level”, where a stone statue of a wave and bird, an antique store, and a café stood. They passed these buildings and met up with Anne after a short hike up a small hill.

“Hello, kids!” Anne chirped, seemingly over her temporary exile. “Listen, the others should be close, so let’s hurry it up. And, as we hightail it, I’ll give you a speed-read of Edward’s Island!” She pauses, then leaned in, whispering, “That’s where we’re at.”

“I know.”

“We got that.”

“Good! Good!” Anne trotted the rest of the way up the hill. “This is a tourist trap with shops and a beach! Nobody lives here except for some geriatric named Mrs. Lee. But, with God as my witness, I will never mention her or any other old person tonight ever again! We are here to drink and be stupid.”

It seemed that their first “stupid act” was using a dumpster to jump a fence because Anne went on to tell them they were not allowed there after dark.

The three of them made their way down a mountainside path, chatting idly and getting to know each other better on Cathy’s part, before a slick, honey-laced voice chimed through the air.

“Reginald! I hear you over there!”

“H-hey, guys!” Anne smiles sheepishly, hopping down from a ledge to get down.

Two more girls now stood before them. One was significantly older than all of them. She had dark skin and curly brown hair that framed her unblemished face perfectly. The other girl was younger than Joan, with brown hair dyed pink at the tips and eyes like a kitten.

“Hey,” Joan waved slightly.

“We started a fire down at the beach.” Said the older girl. “But Kitty here wanted to play beach nanny.”

“I just wanted to make sure they got here before it was completely dark.” The younger girl said.

The older chuckled then looked over at the stranger in the group of three. “Who are you?”

“I’m Cathy.”

“That’s Cathy.” Anne said helpfully. “She’s Joan’s new, fresh-as-a-daisy step-sister! Cathy, that’s Katherine and Catherine. Confusing, right? Three girls with the same name! Except this little one goes by Kitty- she’s my cousin, actually- and the tall one goes by Catalina. Because she’s Spanish...or something.”

“Wait wait wait- Step-sister?” Catalina said. Joan just barely managed to bite back a groan of annoyance at her upcoming attitude. “How does that even work?”

“Her mum married my mum, so...law.” Joan said.

“Well, this is happening, now. This is a thing that is happening.” Catalina said, exasperated. She began walking down the path that led to the beach. “Where’s everybody else?”

“Maud had that thing and then Jane Parker-”

“We’re it.” Joan said for Anne.

“What.” Catalina momentarily swiveled her head around to analyze the whole group. Then, she gave a biting laugh. “Oh my god! It’s just Anne, Joan, and the new step-sister!”

“Yeah, we took the last ferry.” Anne said.

“Aren’t you guys friends?”

Everyone looked at Cathy. Then they exchanged scattered glances.

Catalina began leading again, marching her way down to the beach.

“I’m friends with Kitty,” She said. The younger girl gave a gleeful smile at that. “And I’m downgrading Anne to a creepy neighbor.”

“I’ll take it!” Anne said.

“And I just met you.”

“Hey!” Joan barked, “What about me?”

“What about you?”

Joan clenched her jaw, then sighed. She feels Cathy gently nudge her in a friendly way and give her a warm smile as if to say, “I’m your friend.”

Joan smiles back.

The five teenagers get down to the beach, where there was, in fact, a bonfire set up, along with some towels and a cooler. Joan hopes nobody saw the way she nervously glanced at the water.

“So... what’s the thing to do here?” Cathy asked, scanning the area.

“Whatever,” Kitty shrugged. She plops herself down by the fire and smiled at Catalina when she joined her.

“Hey, where does that old woman live?” Cathy asked another question.

“You mean Maggie Lee? She’s dead.” Catalina answered.

“What?” Anne snapped her head over to her.

“Yup. Keeled over three days ago. It was all over the news.” Catalina said. “And to answer your previous question, Cathy, the ‘thing to do’ is lay on the beach and drink until you can’t remember where your are.”

“And,” Kitty piped up, steering the topic away from very illegal underage drinking. “Sometimes play Truth or Slap!”

“Yeah!” Anne perked up. “Let’s play that! We can inaugurate Cathy. Ease her into the festivities.”

“Truth or Slap?” Joan asked stupidly, which prompts Anne to began to explain how it was like Truth or Dare except you just ask questions and get slapped if you’re lying about your answer.

“It’s a good getting to know each other game!” Anne concluded. “I’ll go first!” She turns to Joan with a smirk, “Joan!”

“Uh oh,” Cathy laughed.

“Lay it on me.” Joan smirked back.

“Okay. Kiss, Screw, Kill: Me, Kitty, and Catalina!”

“What?!” Kitty yelped.

“No!” Catalina barked.

“Calm down! Besides, I can’t include Cathy! They’re siblings!”

“Okay, okay... I’d probably marry you, Anne. I’ve known you the longest. Not a lot of surprises!” Joan said.

“Ha! Stay-at-home-wife!”

“Then I’d screw Catalina. Obviously.”

Anne laughed loudly. “‘Obviously’! Not gonna call her out on that?”

“No, I believe her.” Catalina said. “Look at me.”

“And that means you would smother poor little Kitty with a pillow,” Anne said, clutching her heart with one hand and wiping away an imaginary tear with the other.

“Oh shit- Sorry, Kit! It just worked out that way, I swear!” Joan said.

“It’s fine,” Kitty shrugged before snuggling up closer to Catalina’s side.

“So, Joan’s turn now?” Cathy asked.

“Right,” Anne nodded.

“Okay...Uhh...Kitty! Have you ever...peed in a swimming pool?”

Both Anne and Cathy erupt into laughter. Catalina snorts and shook her head, clearly not surprised. Kitty wrinkled her nose.

“Ugh, no!”

“Nice question,” Catalina snickered. “I wanna go now. Joan. You got a new sister. Pretty exciting. I’m sure Cathy is pretty excited, too. Or maybe ‘excited’ isn’t the word. Maybe a little unsure...overwhelmed...”

“No, I’m- I’m fine. I’m fine.” Cathy said.

“Yeah, see, she’s-” Joan shook her head. “What’s the question?”

Catalina took a sip of the beer she’s holding, then looked Joan directly into the eye and asked, “Why’d your mum finally decide to get married?”

Joan’s heart twisted.

“Just so Cathy can hear it from you.”

Kitty and Anne immediately began giving each other anxious looks. Cathy appears to be a little shocked until she calms her expression.

“Catalina, I don’t care why her mum-”

“You know why.” Joan said. Her eyes are dark, just like the nearby water. Just like the water on that- “Maria- died and it broke everything and she just needed someone there to try and pick up the pieces. The end.”

(Water roars in her ears- water rushes down her throat- water chokes her and holds her and consumes her until- until- until-)

(She’s screaming so loud SO LOUD WHY WON’T ANYONE HELP WHY IS SHE SLIPPING AWAY SOMEBODY HELP-)

“Well, now you know, Cathy. Don’t die and everything will be fine.” Catalina said.

Once again, there was a tense silence. Anne breaks it by saying she wanted to go check out the nearby caves, which Cathy and Joan agree to.

One quick hop over a fence (and a weed brownie eaten by Anne) later, the three of them find themselves inside of a large cave with three small rock piles set up.

“So, what you gotta do is stand right here and tune your radio until you find a ‘signal’.” Anne explained. “That’s why we brought it.”

Joan nodded and took the radio out. She began to rotate the little dial around, mainly getting plain static for a few minutes before a strange sound cut through the white noise.

Well, there was that and an ominous blue flickering from a crevice in the cave wall.

“Holy crap!” Cathy yelped.

“It worked!” Anne cried. “That was so cool! Do it again!”

Joan nodded and walked over to the next pile, tuning in her radio. Once again, the thing sputters loudly and the nearby light flashes.

“This is so cool!” Cathy exclaimed.

“I know!” Joan beamed excitedly at her.

“Do the last one, Jo!”

“I will! I will!”

And she does.

And, like the last two times, the sound returns, but this time more garbled and grating.

“Agh-” Cathy winced. She sees Joan press a hand to her ear. “It sounds so...”

“It sounds, agh-” Joan’s temples pulsate. She pulls her hand back, surprised to see no blood because she swore her eardrums ruptured. “It sounds, like...painful.”

A sound returns- however, this one was different, like a staticky moaning noise. Almost...human.

“There’s something in there.” Cathy said, walking over to the crack in the cave wall.

“Yeah, I see it, too.” Joan agreed.

“I’m gonna go check it out.” Cathy suddenly said. A moment later, she’s gone.

“Wh- That’s such a bad idea!” Anne cried.

“Cathy! Wait up!”

“WAIT UP?!” Anne looked at Joan like she was insane.

“I’ll be fine,” Joan assured her friend. “Wait here.”

With that, she slips in through the crack.

Immediately, the feeling of claustrophobia embraces her as the passageway was a lot longer than she had been expecting. She shuffles awkwardly through the tight space, feeling the cold, biting stone chafe into either sides of her. She could barely even breathe completely because the rock pressed against her chest, almost like it was trying to suffocate and trap her.

Right as she was about to panic, or maybe turn back, Joan pops out and into a large tunnel. It’s lit up by bioluminescent moss, but it’s far too bright, even with the glowing plants...

“Cathy?” She called out as she began to walk down the passageway. “Cathy, where are you?!”

No answer.

Not even an echo.

Chills ran up and down Joan’s spine. The feeling of eyes bearing down on her followed her through every twist and turn she took in that cave, but whenever she turned around, there was nobody there.

“Cathy?” Joan said again, this time more frantic. “Cathy, are you okay? Can you, like, scream or something?”

Nothing.

“Cathy?”

A shadow stretches across the jagged, rocky ground.

“Cathy!”

“AH!!”

Cathy leapt backwards as Joan just about charged her like an angry (but fuzzy) little lamb. She put a hand on her chest, reintroducing her lungs to oxygen as Joan tears strips off of her.

“What were you thinking?!” Joan barked. “I was so worried! I thought you, like- like died or something! Do you know what that would have done to me? How would I explain that to mum? Your mum- my mum- both!!”

“Okay, okay, I get it! You’re mad!” Cathy held her hands up in surrender. “I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry. I just- I thought I heard something down here. A voice.”

Like that, Joan’s rage vanishes. Cathy wished she had led in with the whole voice thing.

“A voice?” Joan tilted her head like a confused puppy (or a lamb).

“Yeah.” Cathy turned and began walking further into the cave. “It was so...weird...”

Cathy’s voice trailed and died off as she and her sister ducked under an overhand and passed into a large cavern filled with huge crystals. An underground lake day in the middle, glistening in an unknown light source. The only ruddy-looking thing in that beautiful space was a rusty locker on the opposite of the shore.

“Oh my god,” Joan whispered.

“Holy- Joan,” Cathy grabbed and shook Joan’s elbow frantically. “Do you see that?!”

Joan blinked and looked up. It didn’t take long for her to realize what ‘that’ was.

A floating triangle.

A fucking floating, spinning triangle in the middle of the air.

“It- it must be some kind of...reflection...a rainbow...” Cathy was at a loss for words. “Those-those are things, right? Cave...triangle rainbows.”

“Sure,” Joan said slowly. “Let’s go with that.”

“I think this may be caused by when you ‘tuned in’ back at the beach.” Cathy said. “Maybe try it again?”

Joan glanced up at her, then nodded and took out her radio. She began to twist the dial until the triangle in the air shuddered and started to pulsate. A small, iridescent line stretched out from one of the tips.

“Oh- my god.” Cathy whispered. “Is this— are you— is this— YOU? Are you doing this?”

“Uhh- I-I think?” Joan stammered before tuning in again.

The line grew longer until it formed a second triangle. Joan felt a beating against her brain, almost like a second pulse that wasn’t hers and, by the way Cathy winced at her side, her sister felt it, too.

“I can’t even, like— what is— what?!”

“I-I know! I know!” Joan cried. She tuned in one last time and-

-and the triangle was complete.

Within the glowing shape, all there was was murky green. It was shuddering in the air, pulsating visible red vibrations.

“What the...”

“...hell...” Cathy finished for her sister.

̵̥͍̮̯̙́̈́́͆͋ ̵̧̬͓̆̈́̒͋“̶̼̈́̎̏H̵͖̓̒̅ͅę̴̥̥͇̌͊̏l̴̲̟̼̜̭͝l̸̛̜̩̖͚̜͝ő̷̞̎̓.̶̪̭͕̊̔̒ ̶̡̧̮̿D̸͓̍ȩ̵̻̰̖̲͐͋̄̈́͝å̴̲̽͝͝ͅṟ̵̟̐̀͗̽̕.̸̢̘͕͔̲̄͂͛ ̶͚̥͉̤̊̎̌͑͠T̶̪̏ê̶̢̯̩̻l̶̛̉̎͜ĺ̶͈̻̯̱̓̈́̕̚ ̴͎͍̆̀̐̍̀è̸̛̥̀̈́̈́v̶̩̯̯͠e̷̮͌̕͜r̷̤̍̉͝y̵̠̰̙͔̏ọ̵̠̠͗ͅn̶̢̯̥̎͜e̶̻̘̰̯̳̾̌́͝ ̸̛̘̪̬̤ȟ̴̨̢͎̺͆e̸̢̺̹͆̎ͅl̷̢̜͝ĺ̵̞͖̬͙̃͆̋͜͝ö̸̬́̊̄.̴͓̱̝͚̗̔̀”̶̰̝̠͓͋̂̐ Spoke an unknown garbled voice. It sounded as if snippets from radio programs were ripped out of their channels and used to form the words. There were tons of people talking at once, tons of voices. And, when it- they- speak, the pounding in Joan’s brain beat in time with each word.

“H-hello?” Joan said. She glances anxiously at Cathy, who is stunned into silence.

̵̨̠͍̄͛ ̶̱͆̀̾͂̂“̵͕̃͝S̴̟̰̊͌̕͜l̶̥̬̃̿ë̷͇́̏̈́̇́e̷͍͎͚̎p̷͕̼̠͂̾̀̑ȳ̸̦́ ̶̩̔͋̃t̵̬̞͉͍͆̐̓͘ĭ̶̢͓͇̇̉̎͝ṃ̴̡͕̔̏̎̑͜͝ḛ̵̙͉̘̿̃̀͊̓ ̴̢̫͈̟̓̒͠ͅg̵̣͂̿ͅą̵̞̙̺̈́̇̿l̴̥̰͇̠̇̃.̸͔̏ ̸̟̗̺̋͛́̑̕E̶͙̙̫̠̮̾̄v̷̗̯̯͙́͒͛͛̑ē̵̢̧͉̻͌͝ȑ̸̨̖͜ỵ̷͕̳̮͒́͊̑̔t̵̬̩̭̤͖̓̍̍͋h̷̙̤̼͑̾͜ï̸̻͇͊͜n̵͎̈́g̸̢̤̻̝̕͜ ̵̡̛̼͉̒͝f̶̙̌͠i̷̯͂n̷̗̪͆e̷̩̪̫̺̒̿̔ͅ.̴̗͒́͜ ̵̨̛̟̻̄̓͝͠H̷̢̳̪̣̓̋ő̷̧p̴̧͕͕̗̯̂e̷̘̬̯̿̀͗ ̸̲͍̟̞̱̈́̌͊͝t̷̫͆̈́͆̓̆h̶̩͎̠̜̎̐͝i̶̠̳͒͗̔̽ǹ̸̹̻̣͍̀̽̚g̵̯͇̗̋s̷̢̡̞̖̾̀̕ ̴̳̲̾͋̏a̸̡̼͍̓̑r̶̫̪̮͖̾̍͋̂̇e̶͖̯͖̹̓̌́ͅ ̵̭̪͔̬̟͐͌̒̈̕s̶̭͇̞̬͐͑͂a̶̖͎̣̓̆͆̽͠m̸̫̙̺̈́ḙ̵̢̥͖̓͂͐̀̚͜.̸̢͓̖̓̋͊ ̴̭̞͓̺̱̔̾͒̾D̴̳͚̅͊́͒ŏ̵͖̫̥͚́̐͆n̵̢͔̭̬̂’̴͇̼̔͑t̶̫͑ ̴̛̹̹ḱ̵̡͎̄n̴͖̓̔͝ő̷̺͓̬̺͌̍w̸̡̥̖̼͋̽̌ ̸̱͓̞̀̈́͌͗̚ḯ̵̫̫̘f̸̡̫̝̖͊̈ ̸̗̠͉̖̹͊̎͝ļ̵̱͗̃͐͆͘e̴̡̡̲̬̙̓̄̑͝ȃ̷͓̜̈ͅv̷̡̠͇̠̀e̴̯̯̞̜̖̕ ̴̢̬̮͂̐̈́͘̚i̷̩̰͇̐̌͒s̴̬̥̫̤̒ ̸̘̝̬͑͜p̸̦̺̕ọ̶̟͕̞̱̈͠s̵̢͙̩͈̩͒̕s̵̼̍̈́̑͘i̴͚̠̖̯͗̓͝b̵͔̰̆͝l̷̨͍̝̻̍́͑̊͗ȩ̶̞̻͗́͋͘.̶̡͕͚̱̭̌͝”̷̩̳̼͍̓̀͠͠ Said the voices.

“This...is insane.” Cathy breathed out. Her hand takes Joan’s and squeezes it tightly, reassuringly.

̴̫̲̦̐̓̍̕�� ̴͎̓̏̀̄͝“̵̝̬̝͖̩͊̂L̴̠͚̐̑̅̿͝ī̶͇̦͌͑s̷̤͈̩̈́͗̇̇̽t̷̨̺̰̄̌̇͘ͅe̵͙͊̃n̶̟̝͙̎̋̒̾̈́.̴̯̝̋̈̍͝ ̸̨̦͍̰͇̅̽B̵̗͙̝͋̍͜ò̶̙̺͙b̴͚̯̻̄͊̔͠ ̷̙̫̲̣̙̈́̑͊̚͝t̸̞̬̜̰̉̐͝ä̴̝̥̗́̎i̸̡̔̎l̷̝͇̳̩̮̓.̶͙̭͓̏́ ̷̻̣͓̽̓̋͒S̶̖͂̄h̵͕̘͗ă̴̗̱̤͙͙̆̒͝v̴͙͓͉̗̎͊ͅė̷̟̪̦ ̵̻̙̱̠̿̈́̈́ṯ̵̥͗́́͘͜ã̴̼̰͚̞̕͝ȋ̴̲̝̘͖̟̉͌̀ľ̷̪̜͕̜͍̈́̐͋͠.̴̢͎̼͛̓͜͠ ̵̛̘̉̅͠Ṩ̷̝̉̍l̵̝̘̞̼͛͌̈́͊ẹ̵̐̂̍͆͗e̵̥̔̅̏̓́͜p̶͈̜͈͍̂̌͜y̸̟̖͔̣̕ ̸͎͙̖̞͗̈̍̚t̸̗̤̻̏ỉ̴͔̅̇m̷̨͖̠̍ͅḛ̵̛ͅ ̸̡̱̰̲͕̋̉̾̾g̷͈̀͠a̴̛̛̠̒l̵͖̹̅̌͝.̴͉̥̫͖͆͑̅͜”̷͉͑̉͆͠ ̵̞̦̥̄̓͂̀ Said the voices. “̴̢̰̗̯̎́̀̔͒͜Ỉ̶͙͔̖̃ś̶̖̫̣̥̿̔̎.̵̲͊̽͝ ̷̻̭̯̬͍͐̕͘L̷̮̜͖̯̀é̸̬̬̓͗ͅå̶̖͔̈v̷̳̖͖̈́e̸̖̪̿̏͝.̴͎͍̫̪̿ͅ ̵̢͔̥̗̥̀̀̊̽͝P̷̖̞͐ọ̶̏̾̕s̶̖͒͒̍̆š̵̝̭͓̌̏i̵̖͂b̴̛̜͂̀͝l̸̖̑͑͋͛e̵͓͓͑͑̐.̶̥̟̦̳̆̓͠”̶̱̇͊̍

Joan swallowed thickly. She could taste blood on her tongue. Her brain is being turned to mush inside of her head.

“Umm...” She looks at Cathy unsurely. Her sister is pale and visibly in pain. There’s a thin line of blood trickling out of her right ear. “M-maybe?”

̶̳̠̮̦͈̏̃͝ ̵̧̤̠̥̳̽̾̇̚“̴̘̽̏̆B̶̧̗̹̤̻̏̕o̶͖͈̟͗̊̂͐b̵͉̙̝̯̜̾͆̈́ ̶̢̈́͊͘ẗ̸͚́a̶̮͋i̸̥͐͒̅̀̈l̵̞̓̄̕ͅ.̴̟̻̯̤̘́̌ ̸̥̱̉L̶̨̻̗͐͒e̷̜͔̎͒̂̅́á̵̩̤v̸͎͍̮̟͍̒̄̓è̷̼̜̓͐ ̵̡͆́͝c̸̻̹̺̬͐̀̑͋̓h̶̟̤̊̋i̸͙̲͎̞͒̈́̈́l̴͕̞̗̦̍d̴͓̹̿̽̑̕͠r̸̦̍͠ȇ̷͇ṉ̵̨̬͇̽͆͝.̴̣̩̯͇̦̏̔̅ ̴̪̖͓̖̿͊̚M̸̱͛͐͘ý̶̢̛̙̳͍̑̍͘ ̴̯̣̄͌m̷̖̟̜̬̺͌̄͆͌͘õ̴̰̜̹͌̈́͜t̷͎̾͊̇h̶̗̗̬̅̿̉͗͐ę̸̳̤̞͎͝r̶̞̝̲̩̤̽ŝ̸̞.̷̨̩̻͇̤̌ ̸̨̣͔͕͙̂̒W̸̱̤̮̹̜̉̈́̃͝ȋ̵̺̪̽l̶͔̞͈̺̐̐̉̿l̴̤̭̈́̒͐͌͝ ̸̡̤̉̿s̷̹̘͆̈́́̂͝e̴̢͇̹̭̭͑e̷̘͓͛̑͝ ̶̀́̚͜t̷̗͔̔͛̂̈́̚h̶̼̖͌̍è̵̲̲̞̼͖̀̓͝m̴̗̣͗́̄̕͜ͅ ̸̣̞͎̑̏s̷̻͐̈́̕ỏ̴̜͚͔o̸̪̜̓͋͋̕n̸̢̲̖͙͚̊̿͝.̷̮̈͂”̵͙̘̝͎̤̉̿͐͝ ̶̪͙̟͖͐̋̉̆̆

The ground began to shake. The triangle shudders harder. Cracks shoot through all the crystals and they crack and break into razor sharp shards. The pulse in Joan’s head turned into roaring, painful white noise.

“JOAN!!” Cathy shrieks.

A force seems to be ripping them apart.

“CATHY!!”

Her vision distorts. The feeling of phantom water rushes down through her eye sockets- she’s underwater.

Joan is underwater.

And down with her is debris.

Debris falling at an agonizingly slow rate.

She screams.

Bubbles explode from her lips.

A chunk of metal falls down, down, down.

The spray of bubbles turn red.

As Joan is cut in two by the debris.

She just barely feels it slice into her belly when-

“̷̝̋̈́Ḃ̷̩̒͋̍ō̵̱̖͔͙̄̓̊̅b̸̡̤̀̈́ ̵̪͕̮̌̏̈́͛̃t̵̰̪̬͕̹̕ȁ̷̘̌͆į̴͚̹̿̕l̵̡̗̬͈̗̎͑̿͐̚.̶̧̉͗̅̏ ̷̠̋͝S̸̢̗͙̞̔̈́h̴̙͉̥͚̑̊̾͝a̵̺̖̼̲̲͊̀̈́v̷̫̲̖͙̓e̸̼͑͂͐̑͌ ̵͔̬̑ť̵̛̖͘a̶̡̫̭͌͋̿͐͘ḭ̶͕̀̔͒l̴̡̩̮̲̩̑.̴̨̛͍͙́̀”̵̭̤͍̠̄́̐

-all goes black.

[vampyr-bite]

hI! can you take a picture of that Sounds article and post it? i kinda want to read it lol

Hey! The archive I’m using at the moment is text only (thanks corona) but I’ve pasted the article below. Hope that’s good and u enjoy and u have a lovely day!

Pete Makowski, ‘Def Leppard: The Leppard Doesn't Sleep Tonight’, Sounds, 6 February 1982

ROUGH NOTES/ROUGH NOTES (Prelude)

THE SOUND of Ross Halfin's bouts of self induced vomiting...Steve Clarke smashing his guitar in a Blackmoresque frenzy...The black dude with a gold tooth who offers out cocaine in a packed McDonalds at eight o'clock in the morning...Sleepless nights, trying to get some shuteye on the tour bus which due to the lack of any form of suspension feels like a plane in the state of permanent turbulence...Waking up fully clothed feeling like an over abused cocktail shaker...Nights spent paralytic in bowling alleys and truck stops willing the hours away – If the rednecks with arms the size of those slabs of meat that adorn butcher shop windows don't kill you, the infra red fried chilli will...This is life on the road!

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT TEXAS RADIO AND THE BIG BEAT!

The Lone Star State is a place one could easily write volumes about and still nobody would believe half the stories you told them. It's a proverbial utopia and lunatic asylum rolled into one. Plenty of sunshine and healthy-looking women; in fact every form of debauchery is available at your beck and call.

This was the perfect location for Def Leppard to close their tour which had proved to be a long and arduous trek. The merciless blows endured during the six months of gigging are cushioned by the fact that the Leppard entourage are basically a closely knit family-like affair. Tour manager Robert Alan (brother of drummer, Richard) also doubles as sound engineer, and token Irish lunatic lighting man 'Famous' is a typically stocky, cheerful chap who spends half his time dreaming about his homeland where he dreams his days away with fishing rod in one hand and a proverbial pint of the dark velvet brew in the other. The band and crew eat, sleep and defecate together giving the whole thing a warm congenial atmosphere.

As I've mentioned in a previous feature the group and entourage are all so young it makes one want to retch with envy. And they are all far from being as blasé (as one might expect) in fact surprisingly enough they still come over as avid fans, although their attitude to work is surprisingly professional and they put every iota of energy they've got into their stage performances, giving headlining act Blackfoot a good run for their money.

After all these months of hard graft Leppard are beginning to reap their just rewards, meeting with ecstatic audiences at almost every show. In fact their performances are met with nothing less than fanmania from a crowd that is not short of wholesome looking nubiles who squeal in frenzied approval at everyone of Leppard's moves.

While the average Blackfoot fan can be seen lumbering around the auditorium wearing the almost uniform check shirt, hiking up his baggy denim pants, clutching some obscene piece of junk food in one hand and the obligatory doobie aka spliffette in the other, The Leppard-ites in contrast are a new breed of fresh faced kids out looking for a whole new brand of kicks.

Although Texas is supposed to be a stronghold for Blackfoot (who to be fair are a hardworking road band with no shortage of talent and energy and as people are very amiable, good time folk from Jacksonville who really enjoy their crazed life style – these dudes do walk it like they talk it) there's no doubt that this time round the lil' ol' band from Sheffield made a big impression on the locals and will be guaranteed a headlining spot the next time round.

Their best shows on the tour were undoubtedly at the tropical seaside resort town of Corpus Christi and in Houston – which is undoubtedly one of their biggest strongholds in Texas shitkickin' territory.

"Home Of The Encores" is the sign emblazoned outside the Ritz, which in reality from the inside comes over more like a pokey old cinema that should have been condemned many moons ago.

The backstage area resemble a derelict bombsite and the roadcrew were apprehensive about the voltage system, the main concern being whether the place had enough juice to feed the vast backline Leppard had put together for this tour.

At first a feeling of despondency hung thick, like an onimous cloud, in the air and people were beginning to draw straws to decide who was going to lynch the promoter. Feelings didn't improve after they saw the bathroom facilities, that resembled something that harked from the dark ages. But once they took to the stage Joe Elliot and crew demonstrated where their real commitment lay and amidst the sweat arid sawdust blasted their way through a set that had the audience frothing at the gills.

Powered along by Rick Allen's tireless drum work that gelled with Rick Savage's fluid and thunderous basslines, the frontline barrage guitar attack of Pete Willis and Steve Clarke projected the excitement and innovative soloing that was ever present with Lizzy in their Live And Dangerous days.

Elliot becomes a more proficient frontman as the days go by. With one foot on the monitor he beckons the punters on, working them into a state of euphoric frenzy while belting out the lyrics to such epics as 'Let It Roll' and 'Lady Strange' with effortless ease.

He had the people totally on his side during 'High And Dry' and rafters shook as the auditorium burst into a chorus of "Saturday night, high and dry". It was this night that convinced me without a shadow of a doubt that Leppard are going to be a giant force to be reckoned with in the next couple of years.

NEXT DAY

AS THE bus jerked its way into Houston the local radio station seemed to continually plug the evening's show touting Leppard as one of the Eighties' brightest hopes. Meanwhile, back in the sleeping area Joe Elliot sat leaning against his bunk perusing his evergrowing collection of cut out and bootleg records, proudly announcing that he almost owned the entire Matt The Hoople catalogue. The rest of the group attempted to catch up with the strain of non-stop touring by getting as much sleep as they could in between the bumps on the road that shook the road-battered vehicle with the effect of a series of land mines.

Like the rest of Texas, Houston is overwhelming and unlimited in size and possibilities. The general atmosphere seems to be warm and welcoming throughout the State although this place as it turned out seems to be that much crazier.

The first chore of the day was to attend an instore signing, a common on the road practice which involved the group going to a local record store where they meet their fans, converse and sign autographs. The ritual was performed at the gargantuan Texas Record And Tapes Store, which can only be described as a proverbial Santa Claus grotto for vinyl freaks, featuring a dazzling array of parapheranalia and owned by the very amiable and over generous Geoff Hamer, otherwise known as 'General Doo Dah' – who is without a doubt a true gonzo at heart.

As it happened the band drew a record amount of people, in fact there were more fans here than at the previous day's concert (which by the way was sold out) and that evening the group performed like troupers proving they had Houston like the rest of the US, so it seems, in the palm of their sweaty paws.

The rest of the night was spent celebrating with an end of the tour party that included an Awards Ceremony hosted by yours truly The Grand Toastmaster who presented prizes to members of this deranged crew for various offences some too obscene and illegal to mention in this respectable organ. This was followed by a totally incoherent and over the top night of debauchery, courtesy of 'General Doo Dah' which took myself, Rick Savage and Steve Clarke into the land of Never Never, making any episode of Fear And Loathing look like the teddy bears picnic. A champion finale to a fine tour.

THE INTERVIEW/A MORE SERIOUS FINALE

"We don't worry about England anymore, we're just trying to put across the point that everybody's missed out and that is that we've been shit on and people have said things about us that are a lot of bullshit." – Joe Elliot

"I always look forward to playing England 'cause that's where we're from like, but I don't think that it will do us any good at the moment because the kids, the kids meaning people like me, I'm not sure whether they want to listen to us at the moment...which is a bit of a shame because they're missing out on a good thing." – Rick Savage

WHILE LEPPARD continue to 'wow out' crowds in the US, they still seem to be at the butt of abuse as far as certain British media and fans are concerned. While groups like Saxon and Iron Maiden seem to be able to travel the world and lead a grandiose lifestyle and still retain that dubious street credibility factor, anything that Leppard do is regarded as being pompous and the general consensus of opinion from the average anglophile headbanger seems to be that they are egotistical popstars who sold their souls to the American rock and roll machine.

Which couldn't be further from the truth. It's hardly surprising that Leppard feel jaded and bitter with their audiences back home. I personally believe that they are producing some of the finest high quality heavy rock sounds around today.

They write songs, not just riffs with words loosely attached to them, with a sophistication and flair that puts some of their elder statesmen to shame and they knock the average so called NWOBHM ('scuse me while I wash my mouth out) into a cocked hat and it's unfortunate that they have to travel across the water to get an audience that actually appreciates this fact.

When we conducted this interview, the band were beginning to recover from the lunacy of an American tour which began earlier last year with Ozzy Osbourne, and the strain of the roadlife was beginning to make itself apparent. This nomadic way of life can be as strenuous as it is exciting and it may sound crazy when you hear a band yearning for the simple things in life like a good old English breakfast and a copy of the Daily Mirror, but it all makes sense once you get caught up in the insanity they've endured since the release of High'n'Dry which is already winning them Stateside acclaim.

Leppard are undoubtedly on the threshold of breaking America: everywhere they play the audience reaction is frenzied almost to the point of being rabid, but as it became obviously apparent on this drunken night Def Leppard still miss their home and feel slightly more than sore about the lack of respect they get from the press and punters alike, and seem to be constantly trying to find a reason for this unexplainable feeling of malice.

"As far as England is concerned people have got something against Def Leppard for purely non musical reasons," explained Joe Elliot, amidst a background noise of chinking glasses and people yelling for more beverage, "40,000 people bought our first album, but only 20,000 people bought High'n'Dry, you're not telling me the other 20,000 didn't buy it because they didn't like the album. I believe they didn't buy it because they read the article in Sounds saying that Leppard had changed their spots. They followed fads."

"American people don't follow fads", announced guitarist Pete Willis, "They go for what they like while England seems to follow trends. Foreigner and Fleetwood Mac are good, they write good songs while bands like Motorhead are a load of shit...don't say that because I don't want Lemmy to beat me up."

While I don't agree with the last part of this statement, I do feel that the GB is basically puppeteered by fashions which ultimately dictate taste and the majority of which come over as nothing more than a grand parade of lifeless packaging, including the new league of HM groups who I personally feel have a very limited lifespan with their generally dated and usually moronic stance.

Elliott: "There's two things you can do when you're in a band. You can go out and do what you wanna do, that's not trying to be pretentious to anybody and that's just satisfying your artistic temperament or whatever you want to call it for the want of a better saying. Or you can do things like Saxon...I don't believe anybody but Biff Byford would want lyrics like that on an album! I mean you're not telling me that he's writing those words so that everybody from people out of a mental institution to people with 'A' levels can understand them?"

"I could write lyrics like 'Denim And Leather', that's the kind of stuff a drummer could write. I write lyrics that are on a street level and that everybody can understand but they're on a different line. I'm not afraid to hide the influences that I've got."

It's a well known fact that Leppard were the first band of its genre to actually stick its collective neck out, undertake major headlining tours, sign a major record deal and venture across the water. Other bands as they pointed out followed after learning from their mistakes and generally avoiding the pitfalls somebody had to make as a kick off. They're also a rarity when you consider they haven't had any line up changes since they established themselves.

At this moment in time the group are preparing material for an album which will again be produced by 'Mutt' Lange. I wondered if they were at all perturbed by the comparisons drawn between them and AC/DC.

"I don't even think AC/DC are that hot!", exclaimed Rick Savage.

Elliot: "The only comparison is that we've got the same producer and because of that you're likely to get the same sound. We didn't use him because he produced a big album and in turn we thought we'd get a big album, we just think he's the best producer around. Anyhow, no way could AC/DC write a song like 'Bringing On The Heartbreak' or 'Switch 625'."

Savage: "We'd have been a big band in England if Mutt had produced On Through The Night because it wouldn't have got the slagging it did. It was still a better album than people made out for all its supposed commercialism for the USA. We were on the crest of a wave when that album came out and the reviews that album got, particularly in Sounds, were so bad and so anti the attitude bands like Saxon and Motorhead and their fans have got, that we totally lost it.

"If England had accepted us like they should have accepted us, things might be a bit different. I think we're a lot better than bands that are accepted more freely than us."

Here, here! C'mon you pommy bastards here's your chance to rectify...And JOIN THE ROCK BRIGADE!!!

[lord-explosion-baku]

Villain!Bakugou x hero!reader

Warnings: swearing, violence

A/N: This was shorter than I’d like it to be. But still fun to write! As a writer it’s hard to read though. I’ve actually started reading my writing before posting it and IDK I WAS PERFECTLY CONTENT NOT DOING THAT AND NOW I GOTTA CRINGE AT MYSELF like can I go back to blindly posting shit without a second thought? Also, HELLO I’m a hopeless romantic stupid stinky girl and so i threw in some fluff bc I could. I’d like to be a spicy edgelord but snag daggit I sure love love. ALSO I did really wanna do this justice pero I rushed it. I don’t know where the race is. I’m in pain. I’m so sorry lmfao.

“Tsk, it took you long enough.” His voice called from quite a ways away but of course he could hear you coming.

You mentally cursed at yourself for not being quieter as you approached your target but the theatre you saw him enter echoed and you were wearing heels. The reason you didn’t kick them off the moment you were in pursuit of the infamous Katsuki Bakugou was beyond you.

You poked your head around a stage curtain and saw him, lounging in a theatre chairs with his arms draped around the seats beside him.

He smirked up at you. “Well?” He said, “we don’t have all damn day.”

To hell with trying to be sneaky. You already knew where this was going to lead you. You strutted out to the center of the stage and crossed you arms. “Why a theater?”

His grin widened as he stood up and walked towards the stage. He wore a white dress shirt with a skinny red tie that fit neatly in his black vest. He leaned against the thrust, resting his arms against the stage and cast a lasting stare at your legs. You shifted your weight to your right. You thought the dress you wore had been too short and the way Bakugou was looking at you now had confirmed your suspicion.

He snickered, “I was hoping you’d put on a show for me.”

“I don’t have time for games Bakugou. Where is she?”

“She? She who? There’s nobody here except me and you, sweetheart.”

You scanned the the auditorium. All empty seats, no sign that anyone had been anywhere near here for at least a couple hours. You shook your head and turned on your heel and started marching away from the blonde. Kiyomi Sakamata had to be somewhere else in the building.

A blast rang and echoed throughout the theater. You tensed and closed your eyes. Here we go.

A hand grabbed the back of your arm and pulled you around. You ducked and slid under him, trying to kick him down but he tucked and rolled back to his feet. You faced each other.

It had been Kugo Sakamata’s niece’s wedding and since you had formed a pretty tight bond with him and his family while working under him for a few years, you had been invited to witness two people form an eternal bond. Halfway through the reception, there had been an explosive ruckus and Kiyomi Sakamata had been taken. You didn’t get a great look at him but you were sure you saw then kidnapper wielding the same grenade gauntlets as the man standing before you usually carried with him.

Taking in his current appearance you laughed. “You dressed up? For me?”

Rolling up his sleeves he chuckled and shook his head. “I had to blend in somehow, didn’t I?” You did a double take on his vest. He was sporting the same look as the other servers in the reception hall. So he had been there. That was smart of him. Gluttonous celebrators never looked twice at people providing service to them if they were doing their jobs right, especially if they were serving food or champagne.

“Damn it, Bakugou,” you moved towards him, kicking upwards towards his face. He ducked and towered over you. You pushed him against one of the stage props and grabbed him by his tie, pulling his face down to level with your own. “Where. Is. She?”

His smug eyes looked at you and then to your lips. There was a complacent grin stuck to his face. “I don’t have her and I never did. She’s back at the reception hall enjoying her time with her significant other. I just needed a way to get you here.”

That didn’t make sense. You saw someone take her and had been at the reception.

He laughed at your puzzled expression. “You just took off so fast, didn’t you? Eager to see me? So what are you going to do now that you have me all to yourself, huh?” His hands were on your wrist and he pushed you off of him. You stumbled back, catching yourself before you could fall.

“Oh, give me a break. You conducted all this just to spend time with me? Was I not giving the poor little boy enough attention?”

“Don’t act like I don’t see right through you L/N,” Bakugou began loosening the tie that hung around his neck, “You saw me walk in here alone. You knew she wasn’t with me and yet here you are. Pretending to fight me. Admit it, you’ve missed me.”

You swung a fist through the air and he dodged it. He was laughing. Every time you swiped he was always evading. You finally managed to grab on to a fist full of his collar and he grabbed your arm. Struggling to break away from his hold, your hand quickly sliced down his chest, the buttons of his shirt popped off and danced across the floor. Droplets of his own blood fell from the cut you left him.

“Oh so now we’re undressing each other are we?” He grinned.

Your eyes slid down his exposed chest and onto his abdomen. You hated the blush the creeped into your cheeks and you hated yourself even more for wanting your run your hands down his stupid ripped body.

“Ha! Remember that time in our second year when you accidentally walked in on me changing after a hero drill? How you squealed out an excuse for your intrusion and you couldn’t even look me in the eyes?” You did remember. It wasn’t like you hadn’t ever seen him shirtless before that day but just the fact that you could have been walking in on him at any point of his routine was what got you flustered. You rolled your eyes. It was always reminiscing with him. You moved your hand to cross check him but he easily dodged it and grabbed your arm to twist you around so you face away from him. He spoke into your ear, “Do you remember what we did after that happened?”

You slammed your elbow into his jaw, knocking him back. “You’ve always been an arrogant prick,” you jeered.

He was cupping his face. He spat onto the stage and you could see a spot of blood on his mouth. “And you’ve always been a shitty girl,” he growled.

He ran towards you. Before you could even react he had you spun around and pushed up against him. “Always so easy to read. Hey, why don’t you do yourself a favor and admit to me what this actually is, yeah?” You thrashed in his arms but he only pulled you closer proving there was no manner of escaping. “Admit that you get a thrill whenever you find me up to my not so conventional schemes. Admit that you love having me up against you like this,” he pushed his sharp chin on your shoulder. “Hell, we both know what this is, I’m sure. You haven’t even used your quirk all night long.”

“You’re one to talk,” you spat. “This has all just been a game to you for a while now. You haven’t actually done anything bad in weeks.”

“Ohh but I could do something bad right now,” he purred in your ear, “I could do lots of bad things to you.” He loosened his grip and placed a hand on your hips, squeezing lightly.

“I hate you.”

“I’m sure you wish that were true,” he soughed and began kissing your neck. You let out a slight sigh and moved your neck, allowing his kiss to deepen. His hands trailed down to your dress and he pulled on the him, hiking it up, and he placed his calloused fingers between your thighs, sending shivers through your body.

You felt him harden against your butt as he pressed against you. Fuck.

You swatted his hands away and faced him. He had his signature shit-eating grin on, the one that you remember him doing as kids.

You pulled your dress down and adjusted your now messy hair. You pursed your lips at him, admiring your handy work. You drew his blood and there was hardly a scratch on you. He never did really hurt you, did he?

You shook your head. “I have a wedding reception to get to,” you said.

He out his hands up and chuckled, “I’m not keeping you.” There was a hint of disappointment in his eyes.

“Then what the fuck are you doing?” He didn’t answer. Ignoring the thrum of your heart, you began to walk off the stage.

“It’s funny,” he called and you stopped walking. “The wedding, I mean. The concept of forever.” You glanced back at him and he was smirking. “It makes me wonder how long we can keep this up. Do you think it’ll be forever?”

You narrowed your eyes. “Is that some kind of proposal, Bakugou?”

He laughed. “All I’m saying is... I wouldn’t mind. If we did this.. forever.” His smirk had softened into something that seemed to be a normal smile. He wasn’t putting on an act to get you flustered.

You turned your face to hide your smile. “You’re a sap, you know that?” You could hear that dumb snicker.

“Hey, you put on a good show, sweetheart, but make sure next time you stick to your character, hero.”

You heard a blast to signal his exit. You made the same promise to yourself that you’ve made the last dozen times you saw him. Next time... next time you’ll get him.

Little did you know that Bakugou was making a similar promise to himself as he watched you walk down the street, back to the wedding reception.

~

Tags for EVERYTHING: @yandere-inamorata @doriichii @miitaart @dessiedawnwritesfanfiction @kido-is-not-a-ghost @wickedlewicked @chickennuggetsarequestionable @nevermorelanore @kpanime @jetblackjessie @ayeputita @captain-sin-allmight-queen @diisasterbii @iceformer @meganofmars @colagirl5 @colorbookshd @grimmjadeskye @sm0kingcrack @sarcastictextstuck @zellllyyyy @psionicsnow @mynahx3 @andie-in-tumblland @iamthe-leaf @midnightfeline666 @bungou-stray-alies-tales-of-aly @rubyred-28 @bokunoheroes-stories

[pjbehindthesun]

chapter 23: an hour and a half from now

Saturday, November 3rd, 1990

What does it say about me, that this is the most at home I’ve felt in this city since I’ve moved here? Leaning on a cold metal pole in the back of a shithole music venue by myself with nobody to talk to, just watching the people in the crowd who have no idea they’re being watched. Shit, I don’t mean it to sound all creepy like that, it’s just one of my favorite things to do: pay attention to people when they think they’re being ignored. That whole “dance while no one’s watching” idea? Makes for a solid evening of entertainment all by itself. Unless, like tonight, everyone seems to be here on a goddamn date. For the first half of the set, it’s just felt nice, the way no one’s bothered me all night, but it’s like a light switch flicked in my head and now all I can see is that everyone’s here with someone. Fucking great. Can’t even enjoy a show without reverting into a self-pitying, morose fucker. Maybe if I find a different spot in the club, I can try to force my attention back on the band. At least no one’s hassling me about shouldering my way forward. In a small enough place like the Off Ramp, no one really gives a shit.

Yeah, okay, this is better. The only people I can see are the handful of people directly in front of me and the band. They’re pretty fucking great, I never saw ‘em before… Jesus Lizard, I wanna say? Supposed to be out of Chicago, so we probably know a lot of the same people, although Beth was always way more into the noise rock scene than me…

Fuck. Stop it, Vedder. I hate this whole fucking break-up thing. Whose idea was it, anyway, not mine… I hate how everything reminds me of her. Or, I guess, I want to hate it. Truthfully, those painful little stabs of memory are all I have of her anymore, so I guess I should be grateful for them. I have a habit of hoarding them, like a collector, turning them over and over like cherished trinkets. How fucked up is that? Wait a minute… that’s not her, is it? There, the little brunette, up on the rail, in the white t-shirt that’s too big for her frame... fuck, it looks just like her from this angle, it’s got to be her… what the fuck is she doing here? She wouldn’t have come all the way up here, would she? For what reason? To tell me she wants to get back together? I shove between a couple of guys who are probably gonna murder me in an alleyway later, but it doesn’t matter, my hand’s on her shoulder, she whips around, and…

“M’sorry, thought you were someone else,” I mutter as the girl turns back to the music with a justified look of disgust, although there’s no way she heard my apology and definitely no way she cared. Of course it wasn’t her. What the fuck would she be doing in Seattle? What sense would that make? So fucking stupid. Doesn’t matter how many times I think I spot her in a crowd, it’s only wishful thinking. Stupid, invasive, immature dreams of her coming to find me, to tell me we’d made a horrible mistake. Just dreams. I can’t get myself outside the club fast enough. There’s a stack of the local circular on the counter by the door, so I grab one on my way out, hoping I’ll find something in there that’s actually worth thinking about, and shiver when I hit the damp outside air after escaping the stuffy club.

Maybe I should have gone out with Jeff and Mike after all, seen whatever show they wanted to see. Maybe I would have had a different set of distractions with them, done a better job keeping my mind off of Beth. Then again, seems like every time I go out with the guys, we end up hanging out with like a dozen of their closest friends in the music scene. Normally that’d be great, but I can’t shake the feeling that their buddies are always making fun of me somehow. I don’t blame ‘em, I’m probably fucking hilarious to them, a surfer in Seattle, a terrified frontman, the absolute antithesis of everything the guys had going on before, with Andy, just a…

...just a self-absorbed knucklehead whose problems aren’t shit compared to what I can see a little ways down the road from me. There’s a person, a woman, maybe, looks like she’s about my mom’s age, and she’s settling in for the night underneath the highway overpass. Okay, there’s one way I can quit being a mopey sack of shit and do something positive.

After giving her all the change in my wallet, the newspaper I wasn’t really reading anyway, the flannel under my coat, and the cut-off gloves I’d forgotten I had stashed in my pocket, I start back in the direction of home. Or Jeff’s apartment, I should say. Home’s a long way away. But I don’t get very far past the door of the Off-Ramp.

“Eddie?”

The door opens, carrying with it a wall of club noise and a familiar, mellow voice that makes me turn around.

“Oh, uh, hey Chris,” I greet him as he materializes out on the street, looming in all black. “You been here long? I didn’t see you, I woulda said hi.”

“No, you wouldn’t have,” he smiles, “but it’s cool, I probably wouldn’t have either. It’s just one of those nights. You probably know how that is. I figured you’d be over at Squid Row with Jeff and Cready.”

“Oh, uh, you know, I was just…”

“Hey, like I said, it’s one of those nights. I’m being an antisocial shit too,” his grin widens. “We could team up, you know? Twice the brooding.”

“The more the moodier,” I’m chuckling in spite of myself. Chris seems to do that -- put people at ease. If he wants to. I’m glad I ran into him.

“Where were you headed?”

“There’s this footpath over at Discovery Park, and it’s usually pretty kinda quiet this time of night. My wife, she’s a big fan of these ridiculous little dogs. You ever seen a Pomeranian?”

I squint, racking my brain. “Those the Chinese ones, the little ones that look like mops?”

“No, no, that’s a Pekingese,” he laughs at the characterization. “Poms are even less dignified, they’re literally just pom poms with googly eyes glued on. Anyway, Susan’s all about ‘em, and we just got one. Well, a new one, I should say, we already had one, so now they’re a dynamic duo. Kinda funny to watch them try and keep up with my shepherd in the mud,” he mimes short legs flailing and a tongue panting, and his long hair looks for all the world like a pair of poodle ears as it sways along, “so I go out there by myself with a bunch of shitty beer and watch ‘em run around until they’re too tired and I have to carry ‘em back, one under each arm. It’s really fucking therapeutic, you should try it.”

Is this guy serious? I know I’m new to Seattle, but you’d have to live under a rock to miss how big Soundgarden is around here. And this notorious rockstar spends his weekends roaming through forests like a lonely ghost with a pack of ridiculous hounds? That’s officially the coolest fucking thing I’ve ever heard another human being say.

“Well? You in?”

I bob my head once in agreement, trying not to smile like too much of a fucking maniac, and another easy smile spreads across his face.

“Yes! My car’s that one, the Galaxie. Fuckin’ radio’s stuck on a religious station right now, though, hope you’re feeling the right combination of gullible and guilty.” He points at something parked behind him on the corner before turning on his heels to head in that direction. A massive, battered, late ‘60s Ford land yacht. I don’t think I could feel more heartfelt and instant love for an inanimate object if I tried.

“Hey, if you’re into hiking, we oughta go tomorrow too, there’s that trail Cora and I were telling you about a while back, I don’t think she’d be too mad if we went without her… although on second thought, I don’t want her to kill either one of us, so maybe we should probably check and see if she wants in... ” he trails off as I break into a jog to try and keep up.

***

Sunday, November 4th, 1990

“Where are you off to at this hour?”

In the quiet and darkened apartment, Alex’s voice makes me bounce into the air from my seat on the couch where I’d been tying my shoe.

“JESUS! You scared the shit out of me!”

He watches me with a rueful twist of his lips. “It’s my apartment too, ya know. You got too used to it being empty while I was gone, huh?”

“No, it’s not like that…” ...except it’s exactly like that, I mutter to myself as I try to stop my heart from racing like a cornered bunny's… “I just didn’t think you were awake yet and I didn’t want to be the one to wake you. I figured you’re probably still tired. From your trip.”

“Nah,” he groans through a stretch, “wide awake. My body’s still on mountain time.”

“Hmm.” I return my attention to my laces in the absence of anything else to say to him.

“You didn’t answer my question, though.”

“Your…?”

“Where are you off to?”

“So long, Mom, I’m off to drop the Bomb...” I singsong absently while I finish tying the other sneaker’s laces. When I straighten up, Alex is looking utterly lost and more than a little annoyed.

“Come again?”

“Little bit of pre-nostalgia for World War III, that’s all.”

I bite my lip to shut myself up. Weapons of mass destruction and nuclear holocaust are maybe slightly less funny when we’re actually keeping so many secrets from one another.

“You’re so fucking weird.” Alex shakes his head in dismissal, not showing any signs of having gotten the joke. Stone would have thought it was funny. UGH, god damn it, speak of the devil. Why am I thinking about Stone? Stop thinking about Stone! Stop it! Quick, change the subject…

“Well, I was going to go for a run, if that helps answer your question.”

Alex nods and I breathe a sigh of relief. It’s the only excuse I can find for getting out of the house long enough to clear my head and sort through some of the chaos of the last 48 hours. Making sense of what Lucy was trying to tell me the other day. Deciding what to do about this gift Alex sent Patch. Figuring out what the hell I actually think of Stone now. It’s gonna need to be a long run.

“Can I come with you?”

“Are you feeling okay?” I frown as he circles his arms around me, my body staying stiff as he tries to coax me to relax.

“Better than ever. So can I?”

“You want to come with me.”

“Mmm.” He kisses the tip of my nose, and it's a struggle not to wrinkle it in response.

“Outside.”

“Unless you just want me to chase you around the apartment, I figured as much.”

“Run-ning,” I stretch my word out, unsure whether I've lost my mind or he has.

His bottom lip pokes out. “Don’t sound so shocked, you might hurt my feelings.”

“Sorry, I’m sorry, it’s just… I don’t think you’ve ever…”

“Who says I can’t start now?”

“No one, but…”

“But what?”

“I can’t guarantee there will be any bears or murderers chasing us, Alex, and I’ve never heard you say anything nice about weirdos like me who run for fun.”

“Are you impugning my athletic ability?” He laughs, grabbing my ass and making me contort away from him yet again. At the look of confusion on his face, it occurs to me that I'm being a colossal asshole.

“You really want to come running with me?”

“Mmhmm.”

“But… why?”

“Why what?”

“Alex. You hate running. And hiking. And being outside. And, like, nature in general.”

He shrugs and says, very simply, “yeah, but I love you.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh,” he grabs my ass again, and it’s all I can do not to grimace, “I missed you, okay? I kinda want to spend time with you.”

Well, it’s official, if I blow him off right now, I’m a sub-human. So much for my grand plan to figure out how in the world I'm supposed to tell him I don't really love him anymore.

“Yeah… okay. Let me, uh, let me get some stuff together and we’ll go?”

He lets go of me with a smirk and heads towards the kitchen, but pauses a few paces away and groans as he claps his hand over his eyes.

“Pull a muscle?” I ask, trying not to sound too hopeful.

“I don't even think I have running shoes.” He faces me with a sheepish look, pulling his hand back to ruffle his hair. That always used to make me melt, when he’d do that. Used to. Now it just seems like a juvenile gesture he drops whenever he’s trying to get out of trouble. I never used to understand how falling out of love with someone was possible. I dimly remember thinking Stone sounded like a total asshole when he explained having gone through it. But right now, he’s the only person I want to talk to about it. Which is deeply inconvenient when I’m supposed to be hating his guts. Stupid Stone. But on the bright side, now I have an easy excuse to go on that solitary run.

“Oh, well, that solves th --”

“I’ll call Brian, he runs, I bet he has a pair I can steal!”

Before I can finish my objection, he’s got the phone to his ear and has already dialed his friend. I sink back against the lip of the kitchen table while he and his friend haggle over a pair of stinky running shoes, his friend who he’s never introduced me to, his friend who suddenly symbolizes how thoroughly we established completely different lives the moment we moved to Seattle. Why did it take me so long to figure this out? Lucy’s been trying to tell me, even Patch tried to tell me… damn it, I should really call Patch.

“Okay, don’t move a muscle, I’ll be right back!”

Alex plants a slightly-too-rough kiss on my cheek before flinging on his coat and bolting out the door. I numbly make my way over to the couch to curl up and stare at the phone. This is as good a time as ever to call Patch, right? See what he really thinks about Alex’s $500 stunt? Make sure he isn’t going to hate me if I go through with breaking up with Alex? God, they’ve always been such good friends, how on earth do you break up with someone who’s become a part of your family?

But instead of picking up the phone, I pick at a loose piece of rubber on the sole of my shoe. I want to hear my brother’s voice, but I’m terrified that maybe, possibly, there’s a slim chance he’ll tell me exactly what I want to hear and then I’ll have nothing left to do but act. And anyway, as much as I need his affirmation, I’m afraid of hearing yet again how I’m making all the wrong choices. It’s not his problem to solve, any more than it’s Lucy’s. I can hear how exasperated they’re both getting with me. So instead of calling my brother, and bothering him with my bullshit and hearing his predictable answers, I sit in a giant pile of mope and pick at my shoes while I wait for Alex to come back.

A heavy pair of footsteps slows down as it approaches my door. That must be Alex. I don’t even look up. Until the owner of the footsteps knocks. Alex wouldn’t knock.

“Uh, it’s open?” I call from the couch.

When Chris cracks the door and leans to peer inside, his hair precedes him, cracking me up and shaking me out of my mopey idiocy.

“Smokey! Can I come in?”

“Always. What are you doing in this neck of the woods?”

“Funny you mention woods,” he smiles, bounding over to the couch. He hesitates for a moment at the pile of laundry I haven’t folded yet, which is occupying the entire cushion next to me, but after I shrug at him, he scoops it up and dumps it unceremoniously on the floor. One item, my favorite navy blue bra, stays hooked to the afghan, and I cringe as I watch him gently untangle it and set it down on top of the rest of my clothes, looking totally unfazed. He joins me on the couch, staring at the toes of my shoes and stretching his arm along the back of the cushion. “I’m heading out for a hike, just gotta pick up my date first.”

He reaches over and shoves my arm with his fingertips.

“Nuh uh, no can do.”

“Smokeyyyyy,” he whines.

“I have to study! And, uh, I’m waiting for Alex to get back so we can go for a run?” I wish I could have kept my voice from turning my statement into a question, because there’s a glint of understanding in Chris’s eyes that I don’t particularly like. But his voice is mild enough when he speaks. I like him for that.

“Sure, sure.”

“Okay, fine, I kinda don’t feel like being around people today, are you happy?”

“Hardly ever,” his mouth twists, “but I know the feeling. Kinda why we’re friends in the first place, right?”

The corners of my mouth tug up just as his have as I stare at him and reflect on how much he’s brought into my life since I scolded him on a mountaintop on a day when we both needed to escape into the woods. This friendship that has never demanded much at all, but always been easy to settle into again after a lapse. The reassurance that there’s always someone with whom I have this maladjusted ghosting habit in common. And the Mookie guys. I have him to thank for that too. I swallow the peculiar lump rising in my throat.

“So, what’s new with you?”

“Yeah, I miss you too. Not much. Just working on Temple stuff now that we’re home for the rest of the year.”

“Ah, right. How’s that going?”

“Excellent,” he enthuses. “Shouldn’t even call it working. Never quite done anything like it. Have you heard any of it yet?”

“No, not that I can think of.” I haven’t heard the guys play in a while, but I’m not about to go into that. “You guys have that show coming up?”

He nods. “Couple weeks. You’ll be there, right?”

I let out a sigh that I feel like I’ve been holding in for days and resume torturing my shoe. “Uhm, I don’t know, I’ll have to see, I might be working that night. What day is it?”

“The 13th,” his voice drops about an octave, “and just what the fuck do you mean, you don’t know? Stoney’s gonna shit a brick if you if you miss it.”

“Yeah, maybe.” I glance back up at him and flinch at his menacing expression. “I don’t know. Things are just... weird… there... right now.”

“You and Stone? Seemed pretty okay a few nights ago.”

I cringe in immediate regret of how publicly cozy Stone and I had gotten on Halloween. And if that’s all Chris knows, then he doesn’t know the half of it…

“Yeah, well, I don’t know, it’s weird now.”

“When was the last time you talked to him?” Chris presses, shifting his posture to face me more directly and still glowering at me.

“The other day, before he went home with the flu or whatever, Jesus,” I pat the arm of the couch, “is this a witness stand or something?”

“Okay, okay,” his demeanor relaxes. “Just be there, okay? This whole thing, I mean, the vibe of working on it has been really overwhelmingly positive, but it’s the kind of thing that’s still… I don’t know, it’s just important to me that you’re there, I feel like you’d get something out of it. And whatever’s going on with Stone, I’m pretty sure it’s important to him too.”

“Okay,” I mumble, fighting back the lump again, “I’ll see what I can do.”

Chris bobs his head. “Flu, huh?”

“What? Oh, right. I don’t know, he just looked like death warmed over and I’m pretty sure he went home right after we talked.” Another twinge of regret twists my insides, this time because it hasn’t even occurred to me in all my anger to check in on Stone and see how he’s feeling. He looked really, really terrible. Fight or no fight, he’s still my friend, and if I were the one to contract whatever bubonic plague is going around, I know he would be the first one to make sure I was okay. Especially since I think his parents are still out of town, which leaves him all by himself trying to take care of that dog and house. Shit, I should probably go over there.

Chris doesn’t point any of that out, though, thankfully. Instead, he silently looks around my apartment with interest, seeming very much all of a sudden like a cocker spaniel with a very short attention span. For everything this friendship means, it’s kind of weirdly emblematic that he’s never even seen my place before.

“Chris?”

“Mm?” he responds, not looking away from the bookcase in the opposite direction.

“You didn’t come all the way over here just to see if I wanted to go hiking, did you?”

“Nah, I’m actually here to pick up Eddie, he said he’d go. I think I finally sold him on our mountain.”

“Judas!!”

I aim a kick square at his hip, laughing as he intercepts my foot and disarms it by yanking off my shoe and throwing it across the room where it thuds against the opening door, missing Eddie’s face by inches.

“Whoa-oh,” he calls as he flinches, but his dimples dawn as a smile draws on his mouth, “who the hell throws a fuckin shoe?”

Chris grins back, yanking off my other one to lob it at Ed’s face, but it’s caught easily. Eddie throws them both back to me in a pair of gentle underhand tosses.

“So you coming with us or what, Cora?”

“Nah, leave her for dead, she’s a lost cause,” Chris chuckles as he stands up.

“Gee golly, mister, can’t imagine why I wouldn’t want to go hiking with you,” I drawl. Eddie’s eyes bounce back and forth keenly.

“Well, uh, too bad, maybe another time?” he says softly as plaintive wrinkles appear on his forehead.

“You bet. Just, you know, the boyfriend’s on his way home and we’re gonna go running, so it’s not a great time.”

“Oh, alright,” Eddie nods, but the wrinkles deepen in a way that tells me he’s about as believing of my excuses as Chris.

“No Jeff?” Chris asks as they head for my front door.

“No, he said it sounded cool but he said he’s gonna help Lucy do some stuff around the apartment today.”

“I bet he is.”

“Okay, you pigs, get out,” I shove Chris in the back toward the door, throwing all my weight against him, although he digs in his heels and I have no hope of moving him unless he wants to be moved. “You kill any more fucking time and you’re gonna lose the light, you know.”

“She’s got a very good point,” Eddie agrees, and Chris unlocks his knees, laughing as I stumble to keep my footing.

I’ve just shooed the two of them out the door when Alex comes home, carrying borrowed running shoes and still exuding the same smothering, sycophantic energy as when he left. I’m feeling extraordinarily stupid for not calling Patch to sort this shit out when I had the chance. Maybe after the run. On the bright side, Alex is in terrible shape for such a beanpole, and I’m confident I can outrun him, or at least make him wheeze enough not to have to worry about making conversation.

***

My head swims from the fumes as I take another deep breath and force myself to steady the paint brush, even though my arm is starting to ache from reaching so high, and my knees are getting sore from balancing on the sink basin. Whose bright idea was it to repaint a room with so much trim all by herself with no ladder? Oh right, that would be me. The white noise of the bathroom fan blocks out everything except the exertion of doing the work properly and the joy of seeing a new color stain a primed surface. Even if I’m not sure about the color just yet. I’m not really a blue sort of person. But this feels like a direction I wanted to follow. Any of the weird “improvements” I’ve done to this place, I’ve done by following that urge. I accepted a long time ago that I wasn’t getting my security deposit back. It’s fine. I’m not good at coloring in the lines or making up my mind. Let me make my messes and see what happens. It usually cleans up okay.

I crawl off the sink, hastily wiping the smear of bright teal paint off the porcelain with the damp rag tucked into the waist of my shorts, and look around. It’s… very blue. But the cabinet’s dark stain doesn’t look so dingy next to it, and I’ve got plans for the mirror that should warm the room up a little more. I’m refilling the tray when I hear the apartment door open and close, the sound of hightops being nudged off, and the familiar beat of heavy footprints padding down the hall to find me. Just the sound of him in my apartment has always made the place feel brighter.

“Whoa,” Jeff’s rasp reverberates off the walls, “you weren’t kidding, that’s… that’s fuckin BLUE.”

“Too much?” I spin around to study his face as he studies the walls.

“Nah, it’s cool. Vivid. It’s very you.”

“Ooh, your stock is falling, Jeffrey, I was just thinking to myself that it might have been the wrong color.”

“Why?” he pulls the headband out of my hair and begins to kiss my temple, the outside edge of my ear, and down along my neck to my shoulder. It’s a struggle not to wrap myself up in him, but my hands are still covered in paint. I manage to resist that temptation, but talking remains a challenge.

“Blue’s, uhm, it’s kind of a bummer…”

“No, no way, it’s so… like… sensitive, and strong, and… okay, I’m babbling, but can you blame me…”

“Yeah… but… like… the trim’s kind of glaring now, I don’t know what to do about it…”

Time to abandon any pretense of thinking straight, now that he’s got his nose in my collarbone like this. Maybe he won’t mind a little paint on his jersey...

“So this is you staying close to home, huh?”

“What?”

“Cora, all that shit. You bailed on all my ideas for plans, remember? Wanted to stay close to home?”

I frown at him, wondering where he’s going with this. There’s that neediness again. It’s not like him at all. So far, we’ve always been able to strike the right balance naturally, without putting any thought into it. We’re together when we want to be, we have space when we want it. And lately, Jeff’s been throwing all that out of balance. I wish he’d just tell me what the fuck’s going on… I wish he’d stop kissing my ear like that, or I’d remember to ask him about it…

“I still do… I think that’s for the best. But, uh, there’s a lot we can do at home, though, right?”

“I have some ideas…”

Before I can respond with some cute, pithy bullshit, he’s spun me around like I weigh nothing at all and pinned me against the wall, seemingly oblivious to the fact that it’s still dripping with wet turquoise paint. But I don’t give a shit either. I manage to reach my bare foot out behind him and nudge the paint tray out of our reach, ease him over so we’re both standing on the dropcloth, and give in to the full force of his kiss, trying to plant my feet as much as I can because my back’s slipping sideways in the paint. But my effort is unnecessary, because I’m not going anywhere in his grip. His hand lands flat on the wall next to my head before raking blue paint through my hair and dragging blue fingerprints across my throat, and it’s a race to see who can get undressed enough, fast enough…

*

Winded, and thoroughly slathered in turquoise, we splay out on the soaked dropcloth in a blissful, painted pile.

“Well, at least now I know what to do about the fucking trim color,” I nod at the formerly crisp, white door frame, which is now coated in Smurfy fingerprints from our failed efforts to keep our balance.

“I dunno, it’s a nice artistic statement when paired with your vertebrae sliding down the wall,” his fingers point out the trajectory of my body.

“I think I’ll just do the trim and walls and ceiling all the same color. You know. Very Masque of the Red Death.”

“Gothic, I like it.” He sighs, letting his head fall back and his eyes close. I squelch a little closer, remembering that we still have unfinished business.

“Jeff.”

“Present,” he sighs, not opening his eyes.

“Just checking.” Somehow, I still can’t bring myself to spit it out. “Uhm, you still willing to help me finish painting?”

“What else am I gonna do,” he muses with a contended smile.

After a farcical attempt at cleaning ourselves up, we continue to paint, halfway dressed, until the entire room is saturated in turquoise. My every pore and mucous membrane sympathizes.

“Anyone ever told you you’re a disaster with a paint brush?” he teases, watching me try to wash the paint from deep under my fingernails in the sink.

“Oh, yeah, it’s on my resume, actually.”

“Smartass,” he reaches out with a menacing blue paw, attempting to smear the arm I’ve just washed off, but I manage to dodge him.

“Missed me, missed me, now you gotta kiss me,” I taunt, feinting left and then right.

“Ugh, work work work,” he gives a gravelly laugh and abandons all pretense of not being able to catch me, wrapping me up once again and finding my mouth with his. But that annoying thought that there’s something we’re not saying still won’t leave me alone.

“Hey, hey, Jeff?” I kiss him back lightly but maintain my ground, until he finally quits and looks at me in confusion. “Why… uh, why don’t you just fucking say it?”

His grip on me lightens and his jaw falls slack, confirming that I was right to press the issue, that it wasn’t just my issue. I persist, “I know you’re all pissed about not making plans this weekend, I know you’ve got something you want to say to me, there’s some occasion you’re trying to manufacture, and either you’re really terrible at breaking up with me or it’s something I really want to hear, so either way, can you just spit it out already?”

Jeff’s shocked stare makes me wish immediately that I hadn’t said anything, damn it Lucy, things were fine, why did you have to put him on edge, here we go, the other shoe’s bound to drop, he’s gonna break up with me, come on, let’s just get it over with…

“Yeah, yeah, okay,” he starts to pull himself together, making my stomach lurch and my shoulders tighten as I brace for the bad news. “Uh, I just… I really fucking love you. A lot.”

Now it’s my turn to gape like a fucking idiot.

“You what?”

“Yeah, Luce, I love you, and I’ve been thinking it, like, forever, and I just… I don’t know why I didn’t say it already, maybe I just assumed you already knew or something, because we’ve been so good at like, not needing to say the obvious thing… but I’m kinda tired of not saying the obvious thing, because we’re not promised anything, and I’m tired of taking it for granted, so... I love you, and I don’t want to spend my time with anyone else, and I don’t want to have to walk downstairs to see you in the morning, it’s just too fucking far, okay?”

My mind is full of stammering thoughts as I turn over the logistics of what he’s just said, but all that I can manage to say out loud through the grin splitting my face is, “I love you too,” as I pull him into a still-not-quite pigment-free kiss.

***

This. This is what dying feels like. I’m sure of it. Oh, yuck, I’m pretty certain the color coming out of my lungs does not occur in nature. Dark. Why is it so dark in here? What the hell time is it? Jesus, I slept the entire fucking day, that's just grand...

At least there's no one around to witness how pathetic I probably look right now. This whole flu thing's not very big on dignity. Although, who am I kidding, I'd wear a robe and slippers everywhere if it was socially acceptable, and I’d kill for someone to bring me a cup of tea so I don’t have to slither out of this bed and get it myself. My fever finally broke this morning, in a disgusting, sweaty miracle, which is a mixed blessing because it's nice not to feel like a shivery rag doll anymore, but now my sheets smell like gross fever sweat and not the much more pleasant smell left behind on my pillow by Cora the other night. I wish her hair didn't smell so damn good all the time. It's really fucking inconvenient.

Ow. Crap. Dehydration headache. One of the downfalls of attempted hibernation. With a chorus of my most pathetic whines, I manage to get myself out of bed and over to the kitchen to nuke a cup of water for some tea. Just as I’m steeping the bag, though, there’s a knock on my door. Fucking great. I wasn’t serious about actually wanting someone around… unless it’s…

“Hello?” I croak, wincing at my sore throat.

“Stoney! You live!”

“Cornell?”

“You gonna let me in or what?”

“I don’t know, how’s your immune system?”

“Strong, like ox.”

Laughing and coughing, I open the door to let Chris in. He shoves a box of tissues into my chest and blows past me to set a quart container of some kind of murky liquid, which I eye suspiciously.

“Hot and sour soup, from Grand Palace. Foolproof cold remedy, I’m pretty convinced this shit cures cancer, or at least ebola or something. Cora told me you looked like death warmed over. Girl doesn’t lie.”

“Oh, uh, you… you talked to Cora?” I pick up the soup and inspect it more closely.

“Yeah, I, uh, talked to Cora.”

“Hmm.”

“Dude, eat something, it’s not gonna kill you.”

“Doubtful.”

“Pansy.”

“Pusher.”

My laughter dissolves into a choked cough again as Chris saunters over to the cabinet like he owns the place and grabs a couple of bowls.

“Hey, let’s sit out on the steps, it’ll help the black lung.” He hands me a bowl of soup and, in no position to argue, I snag the blanket from the back of my couch to wrap around my shoulders as I follow him onto the landing outside my front door where we sit and dangle our feet over the edge, like little kids. I’m feeling too rundown to admit it, but he’s right -- my chest feels better within seconds.

“Eat, man, eat, you’re looking so thin you’re gonna blow away out here.”

“Who died and made you my grandma?”

“I prefer the philanthropic, mysterious stranger vibe, but have it your way.”

I try a bit of the soup, which sticks in my gullet after a day of not eating or drinking, and I sputter into another full-body coughing fit.

“Gahh, why’s it so… viscous??”

“It’s the viscosity,” Chris beams, slurping up another spoonful. “Coats the throat, or something.”

“Yeah, I bet you say that to all the girls,” I choke, but the soup’s actually pretty good and not too heavy, so I have some more. We sit in silence for a while, which is one of the things I’ve always appreciated about Chris, before I pipe up against my better judgement.

“So,” I have to clear my throat again, “uh, how’s, how’s Cora?”

“She’ll be alright, I think. Seems pretty unhappy with you.”

“That makes it a day that ends in -y.”

“But she’s fine. Tried to get her to go hiking today, but she was going running with that Alex guy.”

“You don’t say.” Alex and physical exertion? What the fuck? Is this a fever dream, still?  

“Seemed weird, I mean, he doesn’t really come along for a lot, she does a lot on her own. And she didn’t seem too excited about the idea of him tagging along, I dunno.”

“Would you be excited about trying to outrun a wart on your ass?”

“Ouch. So, you hate him, yeah?”

“It’s not that I hate the guy, necessarily…” Chris’s eyebrows shoot up as I continue, “...just… you know… kinda always wanted to buy him a toaster for his bathtub.”

He tosses me a pity laugh. “Yeah, well, she’s not an idiot, don’t think she hasn’t picked up on that. Whatever the hell’s going on with you two, you can’t ignore him.”

“You’re telling me.” I hold up my hand to shush him when I hear the phone ring, and we both listen as the garbled sound of my answering machine comes through the door, but there’s no message.

“Stoney, what the hell happened, anyway?”

I squint at his face for a moment, torn between not wanting to drag everyone into this little drama that’s been playing out with Cora and actually wanting to talk to a friend about it. Jeff and Cready were zero help, but Chris has always been a better listener for the heavy stuff.

“We… kinda… I mean, she stayed over the other night, and…”

Chris’s eyes widen and his jaw drops, although he can barely contain the laughter that accompanies his surprise. “Oh!” he exclaims with glee. “You’re idiots!”

“Okay, (a), thanks man, good talk, real supportive. And (b), why are we idiots, exactly?”

“You slept with her even though you knew it was a bad idea! That's not like you. That's like something Mike would do. Or me. You’ve always got all the angles figured out. And Cora, she's like, got her shit together more than any of the rest of us. She should have known better.” He frowns, drumming his empty spoon on his kneecap.

“Yeah, well, she's sorta… new at this. And anyway we didn’t actually sleep together, alright, I mean, we slept together but not like you’re thinking.”

“Reeeeal convincing, Stone,” he teases. “Whaddya mean she’s new at this? Haven’t she and that guy been together since, like the dawn of time?”

“Yeah, but like, that’s it, that’s her whole story, and I think… I think she and I have something really good, and I think she knows that, but it probably really freaks her out to think about ending anything that’s been, you know, such a fixture for so long. I don’t know, I’m probably not making any sense.”

“More than you know. Just give her time, man. She thinks the world of you, and it really pisses her off to admit it. That’s a good thing, it’ll still be there after she figures out the whole ‘first love’ thing.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I whine, which devolves into more coughing, which cycles back into even more whining.

“On the bright side, you’ve really perfected that Tibetan throat-singing technique,” Chris cracks as he stands up. “You’d better get back inside. Anything I can do to help while I’m here?”

“Nah, thanks, the toxic sludge seems to be working, I’m feeling a little better already.”

Chris claps me on the back, betrays the slightest slip of a smile, and starts down the staircase without another word. I let myself back inside, free to moan and groan as much as I like in the absence of anyone to make fun of me for it, and shuffle my way over to the answering machine. The first message is pure auditory chaos, but through the cacophony, I gather that Mudhoney’s on a tour stop in Tijuana and that my answering machine tape should probably be burned after I listen to the message so as not to implicate anyone in a felony. The usual. That’s got to have been from earlier today and not just now -- Chris and I would have heard that excitement through the door for sure, but I wouldn’t put it past myself to have slept through it this afternoon. Whatever. I delete their message and listen to the second, much quieter one.

“Hey, Stone? uh…”  Cora’s hushed voice is interrupted by Alex calling her name in the background. I hear her give a sharp inhale, followed by a click, and that’s all.

[themjinterviews-blog]

33. I don't know what you heard about me, but a bitch can't get a dollar out of me.

What are your views on gay/bisexual people? No different than my views of heterosexual ones…I don’t judge people based on generic societal labels, race, religions or sexual preference. Whether I like someone or not entirely depends on their character and their actions as a human.

What stereotype do you think you fit into? I personally avoid stereotyping myself. If other people stereotype me without my awareness, I don’t care to know.

What is your favorite color(s)? Turquoise, yellow, bright purple.

What do you think about abortion? I neither promote it or protest it. Essentially, it’s not my place to tell people what to do with their bodies or babies.

What types of music do you like to listen to? Literally a bit of everything. With the only exception of music that is straight angry-screaming with no melody or lyrics.

What do you do in your free time? Write, make beats, hike, read, draw.

What do you like about most people? They're generally good natured folks just trying to understand their world and find some semblance of happiness.

What do you hate about yourself, if anything? I don’t hate anything about anything, including myself.

What would you do if you found a suitcase full of 9 million dollars? I’d love to keep it, but realistically, that’s a death sentence. Money in a suitcase almost indefinitely belongs to a crime lord, drug king pin or mob boss…and they usually don’t take kindly to being robbed.

What do you think will happen in 2012? Um, it has already happened. Google search 2012 events if you’re that curious.

What do you like about the person you like? Everything. He cracks me up and finds me funny. We have great adventures and conversations.

What are your views on rap music? Never used to like it because I assumed I wouldn’t. Since becoming more open-minded, I discovered I actually dig most rap music.

The WHO’S

Who would you trade places with for one day? Nobody. Too complicated.

Who would you push off a cliff if you had the chance? Mufasa… I’m jealous that he got to be King. I should’ve been fucking King.

Who is your boyfriend/girlfriend/crush? Brandon.

Who is your best friend? I suppose also Brandon.

Who is one person you really hate with a passion? Hating people is a relatively immature concept.

Who is someone you wish you got to know? Probably lots of people.

Who is someone you think is racist? My sister is a little bit racist. She doesn’t intend to be, I don’t think, but she can be so closed-minded about some stuff.

Who are three celebs you’d like to kick in the face? I’d like to kick a Real Housewife or two.

Who is someone you pretend to like? No reason to pretend to like anybody. I'm civil towards everyone and if I don’t particularly care for a certain individual, I simply refrain from associating with them.

Who do you think is a big creeper? Nobody in particular.

Who would you go to if you had a problem? Suppose it depends on the nature of my problem. If I have a cavity, I’d go to a Dentist. If I had a tax question, I'd go to my Dad…etc.

Who are 6 celebs you’d do anything to meet? Wouldn’t do *anything*…but it'd be cool to meet Chris Hemsworth, Gerard Butler, the lead singer of Volbeat, Lindsey Stirling, the Impractical Jokers and Eminem.

Who is your favorite relative? I can’t choose just one.

Who is one person you regret meeting? Nobody. Things don’t happen for a reason, but I’ve learned things from each bad experience or mean person.

The WHERE’s

Where would you go if you got kicked out of your place? Probably a friend’s place or a motel?

Where is one place you’d love to travel to? New Zealand.

Where were you born exactly? Exactly? Lol New York is specific enough for now.

Where is one place you would NEVER go to? The Arctic…cold, PolarBear-y hellscape.

Where is your favorite place to hang out? My own space…either my room or a little corner I can set up some writing stuff and pillows.

Where do you like to go to just be alone for a while? Anywhere I feel comfortable and uninterrupted.

Where is your boyfriend/girlfriend/crush? Downstairs with the pup.

Where do you keep your old childhood memory items? In boxes or totes in a spare room at my folks.

Where is your favorite place to be? Anywhere sunny, warm and quiet.

Where is the last place you hung out with a friend? We went to Cascade Lake with Laura and her pups for a hike.

Where on your body do you have a tattoo if any? One on my ankle, one in between my shoulders, one on my upper right arm.

Where on your body do you have a piercing if any? Gauged ears and lip piercing.

The WHEN’s

When have you felt most depressed in your life? I don’t think ever. I mean, there’s times I’ve felt like shit and didn’t know why or how to not…but I feel like I still somehow knew all unhappiness was just as temporary as the happiness was.

When have you been most happy in your life? I’m pretty content right now.

When do you like to just be by yourself? When doing creative projects, shopping or cleaning.

When did you pop out of your mother? (Birthday) September.

When did/do you want to move out of your parents house? I moved out a year or two after college. Moved back in once or twice, temporarily.

When did/are you going to graduate high school? High school in ’06, college in ’11.

When did you get your first piercing if any? Got my eyebrow pierced first year of college. Had to take it out for some job or another.

When do you think is a suitable age to die? There's no such thing as suitable age to die. Death kinda sucks at any age.

When did you first break a bone if ever? *knock on wood* Haven’t broke any.

When are you most happy? I have no idea. It varies.

When did school begin for you if you’re still in school? N/A. I’m old as fuck.

The WHY’s?

Why do most teens hate school? Because it's dominated by merciless social cliques and education designed around standardized test scores – not geared towards students developing genuine interest in the subjects.

Why are so many teens having sex/drinking/drugging already? There are so many factors that contribute to this. Society is different and kids are exposed to these concepts in ways that didn’t exist years ago.

Why did Kanye do what he did to Taylor Swift? Honestly don’t know what he did to her, but who the fuck knows.

Who do you think the Jonas Bros are gay, if you do? I haven’t listened to their music or know anything about them. But if they're gay, that’s okay. If they’re not, that’s also okay.

Why is Twilight so over-rated? I don’t know, never read it or watched it.

Why do so many people say your mom for nothing? I have no logical explanation for that phenomena.

Why are you taking this survey? Why not?

Why did the chicken cross the road? There was a troop of girl scouts selling cookies on the other side.

Why do you believe/not believe in God? There's no way to ever know if there’s a God or not. That leaves us with the option to blindly have faith in the agendas of organized religions or to constantly be skeptical. I choose the latter.

Why do you dislike the music you dislike? I don’t like music that’s literally just a dude roaring/screaming angrily the entire time. I need like, a catchy beat or melody or some lyrics.

Why did you and your last ex break up? The story is a massively intricate saga that can be succinctly summarized with ‘the guy was kind of a sociopath.’

The HOW’s

How have you been feeling lately? Pretty good, man.

How did you get your last bruise? No idea. I don’t think I even have any bruises.

How are you and your most recent ex? We don’t communicate.

How did you feel when Obama won the election? Not phased. Politics don’t interest me.

How do you feel about the Twilight series? Not my thing. I didn’t want to be associated with the typical Twilight fan base.

How do you like your eggs in the morning? I like all eggs hardboiled or made into like, egg salad.

How are your parents doing? They’re good. They just went to sleep.

How were you raised as a kid? Relatively sheltered, somewhat spoiled. My folks raised us great, in all honesty.

How was this survey? Good, thanks man.

[browniesnivy]

Random Asks!

This template was made by biaesthetic, just so you know. I cut out some of the questions I didn’t I saw feel like answering, but otherwise her template worked really well for my needs! I saw cyberenergyshock do something similar and felt the need to do one myself, so here we go! Y’all really don’t know anything about me (which is mostly because i’m super paranoid about privacy) and I don’t intend to give out super precious info or anything here, I just thought it’d be nice. 

what was the last thing you read? The last book I read was issue three of the Bunny Drop manga. So far it’s a very cute story that I recommend to people who like family stories. It’s very touching and cute, but can be fairly thought-provoking at times. I haven’t finished it yet so I can’t give a full review or anything... but those are my thoughts so far!

favorite movie? Captain America: Winter Soldier! I know it’s a pretty basic choice as far as favorite Marvel movies go, but it really is just soooooo good. The action, the intrigue, the emotion, the relationships... all so good! Ten out of ten would watch again... and I believe me, I have. Three times in fact. And I’ve cried at least once every time because I’m weak sauce.

favorite book? That’s really hard... I really loved Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets but I haven’ t read that in years and am really fuzzy on the details... so I guess I’ll have to say the Warrior Cats Super Edition Crookedstar’s Promise. What can I say, I love Warrior Cats! And this edition is just so emotional. Without giving away any spoilers, this book is an absolute emotional rollercoaster at parts and contains one of the most manipulative, petty, dangerous, terrifying and broken villains the series has to offer and she is just fantastic. If your down with some of the special Warrior Cats-brand of stupidity this book is a total treat!

dream date? We’d be alone somewhere quiet and serene, nature surrounding us as we were covered in a blanket of stars. Cool, refreshing water babbles nearby, giving poetry to our escape. The most calming and tranquil environment imaginable. However, we wouldn’t just enjoy the soothing scenery, but we would talk in a low whisper, joking about things only we would understand and geeking out over fandom, all in between mouthfuls of take-out pasta from Olive Garden. It would be a mixture of a fun hangout with a friend and a romantic tender scene. (I guess all of that was really corny, huh? Haha, sorry!)

do you have a crush? Not on anyone real... but if Hatsune Miku asks tell her I’m free!

what are your hobbies? I love creative pursuits like writing and drawing and have loved them since I was extremely young. One of my favorite pass times is playing video games like Pokémon, Fire Emblem, Harvest Moon, The Sims,, Civilization, Stardew Valley, Super Smash Brothers, and many many others... too many to reasonably name! I love reading novels, but manga and anime alike are what I seem to do more of nowadays. My parents are pretty strict on which anime I watch though, so I spend more time reading manga because they aren’ t nearly as finicky about my reading material since my younger siblings won’t have to be subjected to it. Also, I really love philosophy. Ethics and morals have always fascinated me and the idea of mapping out the human spirit like a genome is endlessly fascinating to me... I love to read books on morality and watch philosophical YouTube videos in my down time, and I hope that someday I can come to some kind of understanding of the truth. I guess that means I’m kind of lame! 

what’s your favorite time of day? Evening. I love the darkness. The chilling winds and the stars illuminating the dark skyscape is the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen, and it’s all right their in your backyard if you only care to look! Well, I guess if you live in the city or something you can’t do that... in which case I’m very sorry! Anyway, the serenity of the night is something the daytime can’t match for me. Peace and quiet are seldom found around where I live, so the silence is very appreciated!

if you could look like anything, what would you look like? Anything you say? In that case I guess I’d look like a calico cat. That away, I could climb along fences and gates or go exploring into the wilderness without anyone looking at me funny! Plus, maybe someone would pet me!

are you a romantic? If you just read my ideal date, the I you’ll probably know the answer. Yeah, I guess I am! I’m not super ditzy or anything, in fact I rarely every feel romantic attraction to people, but I do long to find a soulmate. 

what’s your favorite type of weather? The rain, definitely. If you couldn’t tell, quiet tranquility is pretty much my aesthetic. I love water. It nourishes the plant life and makes everything sparkle with dew, the greenery becomes so much greener and everything becomes so much more vibrant... it’s like the spirit of the world has been born again. And yet almost nobody is out their enjoying it. Fine by me, I’d rather be alone on my walks down the rainy neighborhood streets. Bonus if it’s raining at night, because not only are the walks multiplied tenfold in their beauty, but when you decide to hit the hay the soft pitter-patter of the raindrops can gently lull you to sleep...

what do you like talking about? Well obviously I love to talk about Yu-Gi-Oh!, and I’m pretty much open to talk to anyone about it... but I also love to talk about other fandom! I also love mythology and philosophy (that though provoking shit) and just random trivia in general and it’s nice to talk to people who are also interested in it. Other then all that nerdy cooties, I just generally like listening to other people talk. As long as what you say isn’t completely repulsive to me I’ll probably listen, but I’ll probably crack jokes the entire time unless you’re being really serious. I love funny stuff.

if you got a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? Oh, I’d never even think about a tattoo! I’m far too much of a scaredy-cat, besides the initial pain the idea an image could be burned onto me forever kind of freaks me out. I have no problem with other people getting them at all, just not something I could ever do. I don’t really think I can answer this question adequately... but I guess if I had to choose I’d say something small like an eye or a teardrop. I’d put it on the lower part of my neck to the left side: it would be discrete and not very noticeable, but kind of pretty and thoughtful. Nothing to obtrusive or, dare I say, obnoxious for me.

do you want any pets? I wish! We used to have a dog when I was very little, and then we had a cat when I was about eight or so, but nothing since then. Such a shame, because I am filled with love and affection for cats and dogs especially and would like to have at least one of each someday. If I had to pick which breeds I’d like, I’d say a border collie (they’re so expensive, but hey a girl can dream, right?) and a calico. 

dream job? “When I grow up I want to write books!” I’ve been saying that since I was old enough to write my own stories. Above all else, I want to be an author, but even most of those have other jobs as well. Of course I’ve gone through phases of wanting to be different things... when I was really small I wanted to be a waiter, then in second grade I wanted to be a marine biologist (I saw sea turtles at an aquarium and fell in love. Don’t want to do marine biology anymore but sea turtles are still the some of the most precious beasts on this planet!), but now I’m thinking either an animator, a journalist, or a moral philosophy professor. Who knows what I’ll end up doing, I'm only a freshman right now, after all.

dream place to live? Take me home, country road, to the place, I beloooooooong…! No, I don’t want to live in West Virginia specifically (though that would probably be pretty swell), but the American South is where I grew up and it’s where I want to live. The flourishing flora, sparkling water forms, and the waves of fertile farmland are just some pf my favorite set pieces of the Southern United States. I don’t live there anymore, and there are a lot of social problems down there that might target me specifically, but just for the scenery alone I wish to go back.

dream vacation? Japan! in this dream scenario, I can speak Japanese and navigate the land without many hitches, ordering of the menu and understanding all the signs. I’d go to a maid café and one of those resteraunts where there are stuffed animals everywhere, I’d buy a crap-ton of weeb shit, if I was lucky I’d see a vocaloid concert... and the sightseeing! I’d go hiking on the mountains and see cascading waterfalls and flourishing sakura and  really neat beetles... I hope that happens to me someday!

do you want any piercings? I don’t even want my ears pierced at all, so not at all! I’m not a very flashy person, in fact I’m quite quaint, and I never wear jewelry unless my family somehow bamboozles me into it. I’d never wear any of it, so it wouldn’t be worth some weirdo assaulting my earlobes (or any other body part) for it. 

if you had kids, what would you name them? I think me having kids might be kind of a long shot all things considered (but who really knows, right?) but I do have several names I’m really attached to that I would gladly give to someone. The first is Eve, which I just absolutely adore the aesthetic of. If you couldn’t all ready tell, I love the nighttime, and this name just screams a sort of lovely starlight elegance. Plus, it was the name of my first crush in Harvest moon Magical Melody so... backstory! The other name I’d go with would have to be Jamie. It just sounds so peppy and interesting, it’s a very unique name that I can’t help but love. Not coincidently, Jamie was the name of another Magical Melody character I was particularly fond of, because they were my first experience with gender nonconformity and non-binary gender identity! 

what are your best traits? Am I really the best person to judge that? Well, I guess I can try. I try to be as patient as possible and to keep an open-mind because I hate hurting people’s feelings, believe there is always a kind and peaceful solution, and think every single person deserves personal respect and to be treated with integrity when possible. I’d say of all my traits, those are the ones I try the hardest to foster and exercise.

worst traits? I’m so anxious, literally anything going wrong cans end me into a panic. My family has kind of a history with predisposed anxiety, so I should probably get that checked out... but then the idea of being diagnosed as “wrong” freaks me out a lot. Vicious cycle. This underlying anxiety manifests in some other nasty traits of mine: specifically that I’m a wuss, a doormat, and a pessimist. Long story short, I’m way to worried for my own good.

what’s your worst fear? Well, I’m pretty much afraid of everything! Alligators, heights, amnesia, blood and guts, rejection, underwater tunnels, birds coming near me, loud noises, illness... there’s a lot more, but I’d say my biggest fears are failure and weakness. The two kind of go hand in hand in my mind, and the thought that I could fail and become irredeemable and worthless is petrifying.  

what do you want to eat right now? Something to know about me: I’m always hungry. I snack incessantly, so it’s a wonder I’m still such a skinny little bastard! Right now, I could really go for some sushi. Put some seafood and some avocado on that shit and I’m sold.

favorite social media platform? Tumblr! I mean, it’s really the only social media I have, but still! Even though looking at all the fighting and toxicity on this website that can really make me feel awful, there is an undertone of community that outweighs that for me. Seeing so many fans of Yu-Gi-Oh! and ShrimpShipping in particular makes me feel like I really belong somewhere, and when I see the entire community harmonize to create a positive environment I remember what this life is all about. When I get a heart on a post, I think about how someone liked that post, how something I made or that I said might have put a smile on their face or roused a chuckle from them, and that makes it all worth it to me. Plus, all my mutual are really cool!

favorite article of clothing? Jackets, blazers, hoodies, coats, sweaters, suits... I love that cozy shit! I unfortunately live somewhere really hot, so a lot of times flaunting my style makes me uncomfortable, but it’s worth it too look fly as hell! When it comes to dressing, I’m very butch to androgynous, which makes since because I’m pretty gender nonconforming, I always have been. When I was younger and at a different school I was definitely the tomboy, but now I tend to try and blend in more just because people at my new school seem so much more judgmental. 

do you play any sports? I’ve been playing tennis since I was in third grade! I really only ever play it during the school’s season because there is just so much homework and I’m always busy, and thus my growth has been greatly stunted... but it’s still a really awesome sport. There’s a precision and an elegance to it that just fascinates me, plus it’s not a team sport so I don’t have to worry about screwing my partners over! Unless it’s doubles, which I try to avoid whenever possible. Other factors that make me like it appealing to me is that I have the body for it (tall with freaky long-ass arms) and my dad plays it too, so we can go out and help each other improve our skills. 

favorite meal of the day? Well they’re all great, I mean food is food, but I’m biased to dinner. The biggest most complete meal of the day that packs the most flavor and is the most filling, dinner is great! In my opinion, going to bed on a full stomach is one of the best feelings in the world, so we can thank dinner for that. Plus, my mom lets me eat snacks after dinner so I don’t have to sneak around to eat potato chips... heh.

what are you excited for? ShrimpShipping Week definitely has me excited, because I have so many shrimpy ideas to let loose upon this world... and I’m really looking forward to looking at everyone else’s contributions too! ShrimpShipping Week is the time I can see the most unity within the community, and it truly is a wonderful experience! Also I’m hyped as hell for Smash Ultimate and that currently unnamed Animal Crossing 2019 game... I’m a huge Nintendo fan my dudes.

when was the last time you cried? Like a few days ago? I can’t remember which of these instances came first, but I figured out I got on probation in NJHS because I got (gasp) a C+ in Geometry?! That seriously fucked-up my self-esteem, so I cried about that. But I can’t really remember if that was before or after I rewatched Madoka Magicia (which I personally consider a brilliant work of art and an anime must-see)… well either way I cried really recently.

dream house? Perhaps by the side of a crystal clear lake, maybe by the banks of a babbling brook, possibly by the sparkling seashore... but somewhere near water there would sit a two story house. Crisp hardwood makes up the walls of the construction, and there are windows opening the entire house to gorgeous natural light. Inside, everything is painted soft colors that seem to glow in the light, and every piece of furniture looks like you could sink into it’s soft surface. The downstairs floor has a living room with cases for cards, game boards, and video game disks are displayed neatly and conveniently alongside posters and figurines. It is essentially a nerd rec room. Beside that, the dining room and kitchen are organized and clean, and you can still smell pasta from the night before. A large flight upstairs leads to an upstairs library and study, which then empties out into a cozy bedroom full of stuffed animals and an open closet full of suits and coats. The bedroom has a balcony attached to it overlooking the water source nearby, a quiet and comfortable escape out into the serenity of nature. I suppose that’s all very idealistic, but this is a dream house... so I can have as many plushy sofas and anime girl figurines as I want!

what’s something you hate about the world? How selfish a lot of people are. I don’t mean to sound mean or judgmental, but there are just so many people who refuse to even try to be kind. All they care about is themselves and they don’t understand how much their actions effect those around them, and they certainly never try to adjust their viewpoints. I think there are so any problems we could resolve if we just tried to understand the people around us. After all, they aren’t going anywhere. You might as well try to make life as pleasant as possible for others, right? But that’s just my two cents. 

what’s something you love about the world? Even though the world is full of self-serving close-minded folk, there are also those who are driven and motivated to try to improve themselves and those around them. They want to try to make things more positive for those around them, they want to help those in need, and they believe in people’s capacity to improve. They believe int he ability to change and to improve. And when I see these people join hand in hand to change the world, I feel very inspired. I know it’s not possible to solve every problem, at least not in one go. But seeing people who wholeheartedly try to help out is what I love most in this world. 

what scents do you like? I tend to like scents like chocolate or sizzling steak, the kinds of scents associated with foods. Like I said, I’m always hungry. I also love the smell of nature after a rainy day, it just draws out all the scents from the flora in the most fantastic way. 

what kind of sleeper are you? If a bomb detonated outside my house, I would still stay asleep. In other words, I’m an incredibly heavy sleeper. Basically no amount of rambunctious noise can awaken me from deep slumber, but I am very responsive to someone disturbing my sleeping environment by touch. if the bed rocks or a finger brushes against my face, I’m awake instantly, probably in an anxious sweat. That’s why I can’t sleep in the car. But if you give me a warm bed and take care not to touch me in anyway, I’m dead asleep. 

are you a cat or dog person? Don’t make me choose! I love them both so much, but for completely different reasons. Cats are good because they are cuddly and soft and relaxing, but they for the most part don’t give a fuck about anything. And dogs are nice because they are so fun and loving, and sometimes they seem just as complex as humans in their emotional capacity. I love them both so much, I don’t want to choose!

how long would you survive in a zombie apocalypse? I’d probably be one of the first to kick the bucket honestly. I mean, I’ve beaten my siblings and other kids in wrestling matches more times then I can count, but a zombie apocalypse? I’d be too scared to do anything! The only thing that might push me forward would be the desire to help my loved ones, but even then I think i’d be pretty useless. Suffice it to say I’ll be easy pickings when the zombies come for our brains.

when do you feel safe? I’m pretty much always nervous to be honest, so I guess I feel safest when I’m asleep! 

are you trusting? I actually don’t know how to answer that? I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and when I make bonds I get seriously invested in them, but most people on the streets I’m always a bit on guard about. Got to play it safe, you know?

what fictional characters do you identify with? Alderheart and Hollyleaf from Warriors. Alderheart because he’s really anxious and just trying his best to be useful, and Hollyleaf because she wants to do the right thing and follow the rules but often gets confused and starts going a bit batty. For something that’s not Warriors, I’d have to go with Homura from Madoka Magica, because she puts on a lot of strong fronts to protect those she loves and to avoid failure at all costs. I’m not trying to say I’m as fucked-up as some of these characters or that any of my situations are as bad as theirs were, just that I see bits of myself in them and can feel a connection to them.

what labels do you commonly get? Well there is a lot... fangirl, nerd, overachiever, butch, standoffish, weird, tomboy... if I named all the boxes I’ve been put in I'd be here all day!

what issues are you dealing with right now? Anxiety! That’s all I'm going to say, because I honestly think I’ve said enough about my problems. It makes me kind of uncomfortable shouting my fears into the internet because... it makes me feel guilty? I don’t know. Just... anxious. That’s my problem. 

how can someone win you over? If they display an extensive knowledge of one of my fandoms then I’m instantly sold. Do you know how hard it is to find fans outside of the internet sometimes, and even in the internet? I’m so down to get in any amount of fandom talk!

[dpargyle]

No selfies today. Just a picture of my feet (you’ll see why) and a full-blown existential crisis.

This is gonna be slightly longer than my usual BFSN stuff (though still under 700 words) so I’m only tagging a few people (mostly non-The 100 fandom peeps who I’ve been mutuals with for years) and putting a keep reading thing right…here…

So my landlord reminded me my lease is ending at the end of November.  For next year, there’s a modest price hike but that’s to be expected in this AGE OF CAPITALISM we find ourselves in.

Thing is…like, I’m comfortable here?  The apartment is ADA (I can reach everything) and the giant city library is a block away. (Comfortable until winter that is – basically in winter I can’t get out of the apartment cuz nobody shovels the fuckin sidewalks of snow so me and my wheelchair are fucked.  (Ice is the reason I work from home after all..)  I often feel like a hibernating bear in winter – and I have no choice in the matter – and I can feel it growing colder around here already and I HATE IT.)  I could easily stay here though.  I have – I’ve stayed in this godsforsaken state for seven years now.  Drowning in my own inertia.  

I’ve never found my place here.  Never found my community here.  I dunno if it’s the fucking Mormons or modern life in general, but - all  I know is - and this totally sounds fucking pathetic or whatever but you kids are seriously the closest friends I’ve made in the last seven years.  I’m not saying that to be dramatic.  It’s the truth.  IRL I feel incredibly alone – and have since I graduated college seven years ago.  I’ve felt even lonelier since my brother left for Seattle permanently last year.   It’s kind of…unsustainable.  Sometimes I think of moving out there near him but A) rain makes me super depressed and B) other things I won’t mention here. 

The only social contact I’ve had is with @lmnp (love you) – but she doesn’t live in this city so when she’s gone I just have my writing and the aides who help me get up/go to bed twice a day – and I’m only really friendly with one of them.  

Thing is – I’m not a shy person.  Once I get comfortable in a social situation – I’m fine.  (I prefer one on one hang outs to parties because parties I find are not conducive to deep connections, but still)  But I don’t know where to find people.  I don’t go to church anymore and I don’t drink – so bars are right out too.

More than anything over the last seven years I’ve been wanting to move to LA.  Where it’s warm always and where there are creative industries/people. Though I know the stereotypes so maybe that’s just a fantasy and LA is just as much a shit pile as SLC – just a different flavor of shit.  But maybe I need to go find that out for myself?  

I’ve stayed here because I supposedly have a support network here – but with my brother gone and my parents too old – I actually really don’t anymore.  I need to forge my own path.  I need to be brave once more.  I need to step out my door.

Yes.  Look, it’s gonna be harder for me in a wheelchair.  Should I get a new job out there?  Will I need to?  What about aides?  (But the aides I have here are a mess (weekends are such a fucking bitch to cover) so if they’re a mess there too what exactly am I fucking missing?) Honestly all these excuses are just fear I’ve been listening to for seven years now.  About four years ago I was so close to moving to LA (even visited for a week and explored the whole city via public transportation – car town my ass (probably?)) but then I let the fear get to me.

But I’m gonna be fucking 30 next year.  

I need to be brave. I need to follow my feet.  I need to find my way home.  Forge a new home.  Fill my heart with hope and try something new.  Maybe not LA - but that seems like a good place to start?  I don’t know.

*sigh*

Lets go of fear…

Accepts the hard but worthy adventures ahead…

Prays to the gods I will make the right decision.

Help and prayers would really help me right now kids. 

@beardedboggan @maeamian @aspiringwarriorlibrarian @marisolinspades @clarkegriffintitties @justrollinon @puddle--wonderful @thechronicchillpill, @crazy--little--things @toricentanni, @pepperonicombos

Love all you.  For serious.  *Hugs*

[gel0p]

Japan S2, Day 9!

(Editor’s note: Please note that this was originally written back in November 2019, right after the actual trip. Some details have been updated, but the overall content remains the same.)

——

TO MIYAJIMA! Time to climb one last mountain!

The Shinkansen has really good legroom. This was the Sakura Shinkansen.

Oh yeah, Kirin-san is accompanying me again today.

You can barely see Himeji castle in the distance. Not today, Himeji. Not yet.

Stopped at Himeji station. Not yeeeeet. The castle’s for another day.

Once I finally arrived at Hiroshima station, I transferred to a train going to Miyajima-guchi (where I’d ride a ferry to the island; Miyajima island literally means Miya Island). At the train, a group of people almost ruined everyone else’s day by talking loudly amongst themselves, even with members of their group 5 seats away. Jesus fucking Christ it’s like they went to Japan without knowing the etiquette or something. I was muttering urusai under my breath all the time.

Once I got off the train, I rushed to the ferry (which was about to leave) just to leave those guys behind but they still managed to catch the same ride. Ugh. They shut up (a bit) while on the boat though.

Riding a ferry to Miyajima! ^o^

I couldn’t spot the floating shrine for some reason… -_- #foreshadowing

I got lost shortly after getting off the boat XD I don’t even know where this tunnel is XD

I eventually managed to spot the 5-storied pagoda though.

Light at the end of the tunnel!

There was a map right after the tunnel. This allowed me to get my bearings right, somewhat.

I did have Google Maps but the layout was just generally confusing >_>

Another angle of the pagoda.

The trees in Miyajima are showing promise!

God’s in his heaven, all’s right with the world.

Oh, wrong logo? Really? You sure?

Finally found the path to the ropeway station! Everybody reading the sign was laughing at the cheekiness of the directions XD

This isn’t a mountain deer… it’s a fountain deer.

I’ll show myself out.

I’m actually surprised there are deers in Miyajima as well! Unlike in Nara though, feeding and petting them are highly discouraged.

Bridge leading to Momijidani park! I can see more red leaves!

KOYO! (Autumn colors)

I went to Miyajima at the right time. T_T

Close up of that one tree. :o

You could probably tell how excited I was about all the red leaves. :3

“Hey, psst, hey kid, want some red leaves?”

I wouldn’t mind getting lost in this forest. I think.

After some more walking I arrived at this bridge.

Please forgive me if I can’t describe anything properly anymore, I just really enjoyed being in Miyajima that day. T_T

(Editor’s note: Photo blog entry)

I think this would make more for a good wallpaper ^o^

*actually sets it as wallpaper*

So umm I murdered the focus of this one… it’s only good from a distance / scaled down, but once you view it full-res it’s actually quite jarring to look at :’D

:’D

No. It’s my len’s fault for having mediocre bokeh!

Moving on…

A little waterfall. ^_^ … waterdrop?

I realy tried to make this scene work, but the light… T_T

This one too T_T

Oh. I’d like to point out that just because I took crappy pictures, doesn’t mean my enjoyment of Miyajima went down. Not at all. I enjoyed the place very much. ^_^

The final steps to the ropeway! You’ve forgotten that I’m trying to reach the ropeway station, haven’t you? I also did tbh LOL

Miyajima Ropeway Station!

Blurry shot ^_^; Time to board one of these babehs

I originally planned to hike to the top of Mt. Misen (and walk back down) but the gods of common sense made me realize how impractical that that is for a casual traveller like me, so I decided to just ride the ropeway up.

Let’s go! I was… forced to share the cable car with a European couple (I’m guessing French), and I’m sure nobody among us three enjoyed that one bit. COME ON STAFF-SAN, READ THE ATMOSPHERE! There weren’t even many people yet! At least let me have a cable car of my own! I don’t give a shit that the couple’s date was ruined a bit BUT COME ON! THINK OF MY FEELINGS!

Worst third wheel experience ever. T_T

Didn’t stop me from taking pictures, huhehe. Hey, I’m already ruining your date anyway, might as well get what I came here for. :P

Can you see the starting station? Yes, that’s how high the ropeway goes.

Once we got off, there was another ropeway to ride! Thankfully, there were more of us sharing the ride this time. ^_^

View from the car. The sun was at the wrong angle (Sun: Excuse me?), and so I can only make out shadows of the surrounding islands.

Meeting a returning car halfway.

The very top of the ropeway! Shishiiwa Station!

The view from Shishiiwa station. ^_^

Setonaikai (Seto Inland Sea) National Park - Shishiiwa

I can’t remember how I badly messed up this picture. ^_^;

There was a group of old Japanese ladies who asked that I take their picture, and handed me a film camera. Now I know how to operate one, but what if I messed up!? There was no way to check until they had it developed. T_T

I hope it turned out fine…

“Over here! Over here!”

This tree was pointing to my next stop of the day - the top of Mt. Misen! Just in case you missed it, the ropeway only takes you as far as Shishiiwa Station. The top is another 30-minute hike from there How fun.

The top, viewed from Shishiiwa. There was a sign (why didn’t I photograph it!?) that says the top is a 20-minute walk from the station. This prompted a group of Japanese girls to scream:

DOU MITEMO NIJUUPUN NI MURI DA YO!

(No matter how you look at it, [reaching that in] 20 minutes is impossible!)

I now agree with them XD

Before I started my climb, I met a couple of old British folks (who lived in Japan in the 70′s!) and laughed with me at how far the top is. They asked me if I was going, and I said I needed to try. The old guy told me by the time I reached it, I’d have white hair like he does. XD

But in the words of Kanon-san,

That’s right! There’s no room for Fuee… in a trip like this!

Oh cool it’s just 1 kilometer away.

Time to climb!

The beginning started out fine…

“You can still turn back :^) “

But then BOOM. Steep stairs. What the hell did I sign up for @_@

Japanese birb taunting me along the way.

(Editor’s note: Yamagara/Varied tit? Based on the Amanohashidate birds signage ^^;)

A section of the path, featuring a person counter.

Some sections offer you a view of the sea. ^_^

I wish there was someone else to take a picture of me standing behind that fence. T_T

I’ve walked quite a distance! The ropeway station already looks so far behind.

MORE STEPS.

Somebody’s been balancing rocks ^_^ Hey wasn’t me D:

A MAN-MADE WALL! ARE WE FINALLY AT THE TOP!?

NOT YEEEET T________T

There was a vending machine, so I bought a bottle of water. My Kirin Lemon Tea was about to run out. This is also the only source of water you’ll find near the top, so better load up if you aren’t well-equipped!

TFW a statue looks cooler than you.

This one’s been liftin’, bro!

The path to the top is littered with these adorable dressed-up statues. ^_^

Also they have more money than I do

I probably fell in love with this onee-san also climbing the mountain. </3

Also, how can the Japanese climb mountains in such casual clothing?? To be fair the path is made of stone steps, but I’m still surprised they can climb mountains looking like they’re just taking a stroll. No, she’s not only person who’s dressed like that.

Maybe I’m just badly out of shape T_T

Getting closer to the top!

Just beyond this tunnel are the last few steps to the top!

FINALLY-!

THE TOP OF MT. MISEN! T___T

Other rock formations on top of the mountain. ^_^

There’s an observatory at the top where you can view the surroundings from an even higher place!

The view from the top of the observatory. No wait…

The view from the top of the observatory. Banzai!

(Editor’s note: Photo blog entry)

There are a couple more statues around the top, but they’re not pimped out.

My stomach started grumbling - not from hunger - and I decided to hurry back down.

There’s a reason stomach warmers were invented, I guess :”>

While descending down the mountain, I came across this little shrine.

And that’s when it hit me.

Where the hell was I? @_@

(I was actually on the correct path; however, I already went past my intended checkpoint, and thought I was going somewhere else. I later ran into a sign that pointed to my intended direction, and just trusted it)

If you were hiking to the top of the mountain, these are the kinds of steps you’ll encounter from time to time.

Deciding to just the ride the ropeway was a really good idea. ^_^;

On the way down. These statues are only visible on the way up, so I was glad there were already people taking pictures of it from the other side, otherwise I would gone home with just this:

Hooray other tourists for once, hahahaha…

I thought the steps looked cool.

I take that back.

Sometimes the stone steps feel romantic though.

(Editor’s note: What the fuck was I talking about??)

Like, seriously. Yeah yeah not an actual romantic place but I’m talking about it in a falling in love with nature way. Okay??

Aaaaand I’d still hate to climb these steps up.

The presence of this dam, and the layout of the path, made me realize that sometimes the steps most definitely get submerged under the river.

I could be wrong, but I’d stay away from this walking trail during rainy days.

Around halfway through the course, I encountered this warning sign.

… WARN ME EARLIER GODDAMIT!!! I already walked half the course!!!

Oh hey a rest area. ^_^ … it’s that damn sign again so nope nope nope

(This was technically an observation deck)

After an hour of walking downhill, I finally reached the base of the mountain. T_T This is the Takimiya Shrine just in front of Shiraito falls; I couldn’t climb anymore though, so I didn’t visit the source of the falls. Which was just 50 meters away, to be honest.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

You could still get a decent shot though.

That clear, clear water. *nod nod*

One more dam to cross.

The last set of steps! Yeeeey!

Daishoin, taken from the mountain course. I decided to not visit it anymore, I was just so damn tired already T_T

Ahhh yes. The warm afternoon sun.

It was 12:30 PM I just used flash LOL

After crossing the gate, I have officially finished descending the mountain course! Hooray me!

Now that I’m done with the mountain, I can finally visit the most famous tourist attraction of the island - Itsukushima Shrine, with its floating torii!

Hmm? Where’s the shrine?

HMMMM???

THE TORII WAS COVERED UP WHILE UNDER REPAIRS XD

I didn’t know about this, so I could only laugh it off. XD Thankfully I was there mostly for Mt. Misen; had I gone there for the shrine I would have been pissed :))

While resting, I had a bun with eel-flling! It was made with anago, not unagi. I don’t know the difference, I just noted it. ^_^

Not content, I also had a skewered ground chicken. ^_^ It was nice, but I didn’t like it very much.

Now that I think about it, I also had a pork skewer and a (normal) chicken skewer right before visiting the covered up floating shrine. Hiking made me really hungry that day @_@

After having my fill, it was time to say goodbye to the island. Mata ne, Miyajima! Maybe I’ll get to see the floating shrine next time ^_^

… that picture is actually of a boat headed for the island, with the mainland behind it :))

Extremely long side story:

While riding the train back to Hiroshima station (where the Shinkansen to Shin-Osaka is), I was standing beside an Italian couple taking directions from a Japanese man who lived in Germany for some time. They were asking for which station they should get off at if they wanted to visit the Atomic Bomb Dome in Hiroshima. I was expecting the man to check out his phone and maybe show HyperDia or something, but instead he pulls out a book of all the train stations in Japan. He told them to get off at Yokogawa station, which amazed me to be honest, but the skeptic in me wanted to double-check. Not that I actually cared about the couple, but because Atomic Bomb Dome is my next destination.

…not until the next day, anyway. See, my plan was to complete Miyajima in a day, go home, and then return to Hiroshima the following day, ending the day at Himeji.

But thanks to this couple, a crazy idea - perhaps the craziest idea of my trip - occurred to me.

I completed Miyajima much earlier than anticipated - what if I visit the dome now, saving me the trouble of going back to Hiroshima the following day?

It was at this point that my re-routing skills were put to the test.

(And what a test it was.)

According to HyperDia (which is THE train scheduling website if you’re in Japan), if I was going to pull this off, I had to get off at Nishi-Hiroshima station (god knows at which station we were already in at that time…), and had 4 minutes to catch the train in Hiroden Nishi-Hiroshima Station, which was some walking distance away. To be fair, if HyperDia thinks it’s doable, then it’s doable. As long as you don’t get lost.

Okay, so that takes care of the stations. But what about the fare? If you’ve been somehow following this adventure of mine, you’d know that I had a tight plan for my IC card usage. Changing the schedule all of a sudden could mess it up. Yes, I could just top up / charge the IC card if I messed up, but I didn’t want to okay? Thankfully, it seemed my adjusted fares would still add up (I have a spreadsheet for that :P). I had to bring out my calc app for that. 8-)

Finally, what about going home, then? So I can get to the dome correctly, still pay the correct fares, but would I still have enough time to visit all the places before I caught the Shinkansen? I pulled out my itinerary, did some computations, and thankfully it still adds up… but barely. I absolutely can’t miss the train to Hiroshima station, but assuming there aren’t any hold ups anywhere, I can still catch the correct Shinkansen back to Shin-Osaka.

“Tsugi wa… Nishi-Hiroshima. Nishi-Hiroshima.”

Plan completed in the nick of time! It was time to get off at the next station. Also, note how HyperDia instructed me to get off at Nishi-Hiroshima, while the old man instructed the couple to get off at a station much further away - at Yokogawa. Ore no kachi da, ossan. :^)

When the doors finally opened at Nishi-Hiroshima, I left the Italian couple behind (lol the old man actually got off at an earlier station, saying “ciao” and “arrivederci” at the two) and made a dash for the exit. I actually messed up and found there was no exit at the direction I headed for. I wasn’t gonna make it to the train, was I?? I was looking at my watch, and time was ticking. Ugh. I eventually made my way outside and followed the rough signs to Hiroden Nishi-Hiroshima station, where a train was parked currently, ready to leave. I quickly asked the conductor “ATOMIC BOMB DOME!?” and he nodded. I got on, took a seat, and let out a sigh of relief as the doors closed. I made it! Mission complete!

Not yet.

While seated, I observed the other passengers as they got on and off the train. That’s when I noticed one critical thing I missed - they were scanning their IC cards on the train door right as they got on. I absolutely did not do that.

A wave of panic hit me. What the hell do I do!? I could just pretend to be the stupid tourist on my way out of the train… but that could inconvenience the other passengers who might be on a critical sched. Worse, I would definitely be charged more, because then the system (at worst) would think I boarded all the way from Hiroden Miyajimaguchi, and this would really mess up my IC card balancing. ARGH! I could also just, you know, tap the IC card reader on the next station, but I didn’t want to earn disgusted looks from the other passengers (”ugh look at this guy, pretending he’s just boarded from this station, PAY UP PROPERLY!!”)…

T_T

I eventually calmed down and decided to just ask the train staff what to do, while completely being honest.

“Sumimasen, ano, kore *pointing my IC card at the card reader at the door* tappu wasureta…”

(Excuse me, umm, I forgot to tap this…)

“Aa daijoubu desu, tsugi no eki ni, tappu shite kudasai.”

(Oh it’s okay, just tap it at the next station)

YOKATTA T_T

ARIGATOU GOZAIMASU T_T

So tapping at the next station was the correct thing to do, but at least by talking to the staff first, it didn’t feel like I was cheating their system. T_T

T_T

(I would later learn that there’s “flat fee” as long as you boarded within the city, so I still actually paid the correct amount even if I tapped later. Had I not, I would have been flagged as having come from the terminal waaaay outside the city, and I would have definitely paid a higher fare. Yey!)

The train ride that stressed me out, currently parked in front of the Atomic Bomb Dome. What an adventure! XD

Once you step into the park, there’s a… wave that hits you. Maybe I’m just an emotional guy, but you could somehow feel the impact - both physical and emotional - that the atomic bomb had on this area.

A moment of silence.

ON THE LIGHTER SIDE OF THINGS, HERE’S ANOTHER PASSING BOAT-KUN!

You can apparently take a boat directly from here to Miyajima, but it ain’t free, so… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

There were multiple monuments in Hiroshima dedicated to peace. Some of them are memorials.

Oh hey, a pretty sweet tree ^_^

I found this amazing row of trees, but the composition didn’t sit well with me, so I decided to look for another angle.

While doing so, I found another monument / memorial.

I wanted to get closer to this, but…

…there’s an event going on when I came by. They looked like athletes paying respects.

I unfortunately didn’t have time to wait for them to finish (tight schedule, remember!) so I moved on to the next spot.

Let’s have a close up of that.

I wanted to enter the memorial hall, but I didn’t have time (and honestly didn’t feel like crying), so I stayed outside.

Different angle, including a plaque.

I finally found an angle of the river that I liked. ^_^ Boat-kun parked.

Moments before that though, boat-kun was in active duty.

(Editor’s note: Photo blog entry)

While walking around some more, I found this tree!

I really thought this were the Gates of Peace, but apparently I had to cross the road for that. ^_^;

(I never got to take a picture of it…)

On my way to the next stop, I encountered this little sign.

Zoomed in.

And that was it for the Peace Park! :)

My final stop of the day was another Pokemon Center! I just looked around ^_^

Gyatta go, Gyarados! :D

I finally made it to Hiroshima station! I almost got lost again… I was really tired and stopped taking pictures at one point. ^_^;

Because I didn’t have a reserved ticket for the Shinkansen, I had to fall in line… but fell in line at the wrong spot. The conductor corrected me, and that’s when I learned about these markings on the floor. Combined together with platform announcements about which train car didn’t need reservations (and how many cars there would be on the train), you’re supposed to use these markings to find out the correct spot to line up for the train. In this case, the incoming Sakura train only had 8 cars, with cars 1 to 3 being free-seating, and thus I lined up for car number 3.

And thus the day ends here!

Day 9 in Japan S2, complete! ^_^

<< Day 8 . . . Day 10 >>

[imalwaysaslutforthevoid]

I was hanging out with some friends recently and we had gotten on the topic of the supernatural. If anyone believed in it or had any first hand experiences. When it got around to my turn I confessed that yes I actually believed and yes I had a few experiences. I told them about the boring ones that it seems like everyone has, a weird dream that comes true, a sudden hunch that also comes true, going to an abandoned building and hearing a voice or seeing something move. I didn’t tell them about the event that really makes me believe. It’s not something I enjoy talking about, my last therapist thought it was a hallucination brought on by stress, and most people don’t believe it anyway. It’s not one of those fun “I was chased by a monster”, or became cursed stories that do well online either. By all accounts it’s a pretty boring story. I still can’t seem to forget it or put it far enough behind me though. Anyway here’s what happened (disclaimer: this happened years ago and I don’t remember any names).

 It happened during the summer at a boy scout campout like 9 or 10 years ago. Our troop and another were going to be sharing the location for the week. We were pretty excited because another troop was an opportunity to make some new friends and have a lot more fun than what we were used to. I remember we arrived at the campsite a few hours before the other troop, and we got to setting up our tents, digging a fire pit, and setting up an “axe circle” to safely chop firewood in. Standard scout shit. Anyway we finish up and are all hot and sweaty and ready to go for a swim, there’s always a lake or stream or something to swim in. Over half of us go change and head to the water, as usual the lake is slimy as hell but it still beats staying in the sun. After about an hour, we get word that the other troop has arrived. With that piece of news most of us who were in the lake got out to meet up with the other troop and help them set up camp, you know scout shit. I stayed behind with a few others in the lake, the trudge back didn’t seem that appealing when the new troop was just gonna head over here when they were done anyway. While out practicing my doggy paddle a loud crack sounded from the other side of the lake. I was lucky enough to turn my head in time to see two huge trees collapse unto the forest floor. After that I felt a kind of draw to go check out the trees. After all there weren’t supposed to be any loggers out here, and those didn’t look like the kinds of trees to just collapse. Now I'm a strong swimmer, certainly enough to swim over to the other side of the lake. But no one else wanted to go over there, and the golden rule of the scouts is “never go alone”. I certainly didn’t want to break it with witnesses around, and get lectured for going off on my own again. The commotion in the woods was left for another time pretty quickly, and completely forgotten by the time the other troop showed up to swim. We introduced ourselves, and got right to goofing off. But the woods on the other side of the lake still beckoned and I was still curious as to what felled those trees. I figured I had a week to figure out and got on with the day. 

Now to help set the scene and flesh young me out a bit more let me tell you that I was not popular in my troop or even liked that much. I was and still am a weird, gay (closeted at the time), nerd. I was not interested in being a scout near as much as my father was invested in me being one, and pretty much everyone could tell. But they generally left me to my own devices and I theirs. I did have one actual friend in the troop but even then I still much preferred doing my own thing. Which I hope explains why young me leapt at the opportunity to go off on his own to explore a strange occurrence with no thought as to how this could be a bad thing. I customarily asked my friend if he wanted to accompany me. To which he said “no, not really”. I expected as much and told him not to snitch to which he replied “sure”. And that was that. At about 1pm I began my hike to the other side of the lake. There’s not much to say about the hike there, it was a thin trail winding through this densely wooded area, the sun shone through the canopy leaving a vibrant spotted path towards the other side of the lake and the answer to my question. I made good time, it was only about 45 minutes when I could see the shore where we had been swimming yesterday, perks of having long legs. Now I just had to find the trees. This proved to be a pretty easy task, two 60ft tall oaks don’t fall gracefully it turns out. Making my way to the stumps and picking up a tick or two on the way. I realized that this part of the woods was totally silent. No birds, no squirrels, no cicadas, not even the buzz of a mosquito. Despite being out in the open I suddenly felt very claustrophobic. But I was here on a mission and I could have my panic attack later. I went down to the stumps of these once great trees and saw nothing. The trees hadn’t rotted away, nor was there any sign of a chain saw. It really looked as though the trees had just broken and fallen over. My curiosity sated, I began to make my way back to camp. The silence persisted until I was out of eyeshot of the fallen trees. The return of the forest ambiance hit me like a sack of bricks, never in my life had I been so happy to hear a cricket chirp. As overjoyed as I was though I couldn't help but feel a pit in my stomach. What was causing the animals to avoid that stretch of forest? And more importantly could I find it? A new mission occupying my mind I returned to the campsite hoping I hadn’t been gone long enough to rouse anyone's suspicions. I made sure to head over to the back of the out house, taking precautions to make sure nobody was curious as to why I alone was returning to camp. As it turned out I had no reason to be so paranoid. No one who cared was at the campsite anyway. I returned to my friend and gave him a run down of what I had discovered. He didn’t really care all that much and instead asked if I wanted to have a Pokémon battle... I did.

Day three began like the others, up at dawn, helping to start the fire and then cooking breakfast, saying prayer, then eating and washing out your mess kit, and then going through the day's itinerary. Honestly this alone was exhausting enough to make me want to quit scouts. After the morning routine I began planning out my exploration. I'd be going further than yesterday. It would probably be a good idea to take an additional bottle of water, and a granola bar. After that I made my way out once again. Once again and all of a sudden I was enveloped in silence. This was wrong though “I still wasn’t at the trees, I still had a while before it was like this” i told myself. Desperate for answers I moved forward driven on by nothing but a deep curiosity. Walking along the trail I made my way back to the fallen trees. It seemed that they were much closer than i remembered because it felt like i was back in no time at all. The forest remained utterly still the only sound breaking the otherwise oppressive quiet was that of my footsteps breaking the twigs beneath my feet. As I continued on I began to notice a few strange plants. They were white as paper and scattered sparsely throughout the underbrush. I had read recently about albinism in redwoods, and just thought this was a similar phenomenon. Eager to share my discovery, I picked one of the plants and placed it in my bag. I had discovered something extraordinary but I still felt the need to go forward, the silence all but forgotten. I continued on for what felt like 30 minutes before I saw a deer. Standing alone on the trail it’s body was positioned as though it was just crossing the path but it’s head was turned away from me like something further down the trail was holding its full attention. Stunned by my luck I waited patiently for it to figure out I was there and be on its way. After a minute of waiting I noticed that the dear hadn’t continued on its way or even moved, it stood perfectly still more like a statue than any animal. Thoroughly creeped out still I felt compelled to go forward and see what was wrong with the poor thing. Even as i got within range to touch the doe she didn’t move. I maneuvered around to see her face. Her eyes looked almost cloudy but clear enough that she should still be able to see me, still she didn’t move. I was worried that she had died standing up until I saw her blink. I knew the moment i happened upon this dear that i needed to head back, but i no longer felt that i had control of myself. Whatever lay ahead wanted to be seen, wanted me to see it. The white plants grew in number as I continued further down the path. The further I went the more animals I saw paralyzed to the spot, looking forward transfixed to whatever was ahead. They were no longer my concern. The only thought in my head was the urge to go further. After a while I noticed I had exited the woods and now stood in a small meadow. Those white plants were more numerous here. And interspersed throughout were all sorts of animals standing stock still looking to the center of the meadow where a pile of dirt lay. I could feel the draw stronger than ever and I began to move forward once again towards whatever lie buried there. Under my foot I felt a light crunch. It was different from the sound of a twig, different enough to make me look down and see that the ground was littered with bones. The realization that I was standing in a mass grave was enough to break whatever spell that thing had put me under and I ran from the meadow as fast as I could. I’m not a very fit person but that didn’t matter now my body was fleeing and nothing short of getting shot would stop me from running away from that place. Even after I was beyond the deer and the white plants and could hear the birds sing again my blood still ran cold in my veins. I vomited right there, the exhaustion catching up to me. It was just then I realized that it was evening. It hadn’t felt like I was gone more than two hours but apparently I was gone more than six. My return to camp was met with a lecture, and a scolding, apparently they were about to start a search for me. I didn’t care, I had far too much on my mind at the moment. I tried to sleep that night, but it wasn’t until exhaustion took me that I managed.

I woke up late and more than a bit manic the next day. As terrified as i was of that place i still needed to know what was there. I fully understood that this was assuredly whatever evil influence that drove me to visit that meadow. But it didn’t change my need for closure. After pestering my friend the whole morning, almost on the verge of a breakdown, about how I needed him to come with me. He finally relented, I hadn’t told him what was waiting for us, he was better off not knowing. In the end I think it was the edge in my voice that had convinced him. We began our hike a bit after lunch out of the view of any scout leader who no doubt wanted me stationary for the day. It was my third time out here now, and still the sudden quiet sent a shiver down my spine. Now with my current understanding it stood out as all the more unnatural, even the air was still. It felt more akin to taking your first step into a crypt than it did a walk in the woods. My friend was immediately on edge, he wanted us to go back. “Something just feels wrong,” he said “let’s go back before we get in trouble”. But I wouldn’t be deterred, I had to show someone else. Not even so they’d believe me, more so I’d believe myself. After I forced him to continue with me. I noticed small discrepancies with the day before. The white plants were all gone, and the deer wasn’t there anymore. I no longer felt the drive to continue on that wasn’t my own. I was becoming desperate. I know that I had experienced something here, where was it all? where had it all gone? I was soon to get my answer, when we finally cleared the woods and stumbled into that meadow. It was still strewn with bones and the odd animal corpse. But in the center where that pile of dirt once lay there was now a shallow pit. Only about three feet deep, and totally empty. My friend was desperate to leave this was already gruesome enough without the added effects. Numb, I agreed. We made our way back. It took us two and a half hours, how had I spent well over six on that trail. Desperate for any proof that what I experienced was real I went rummaging through my bag looking for the white plant I had pulled up. It had shriveled and died, now as sad and brown as any dead plant on the forest floor. I once again felt a wave of exhaustion rock my body. I slept till dinner. When i woke up it was to bad news, apparently one of the scouts from the other troop had gone missing. And we were going to search for him. I felt a weight in my stomach drop. I had no proof, as far as I knew my friend and I were the only ones who knew about the meadow and I was the only one who knew the whole truth. But if it could latch onto me like it did, who’s to say it couldn’t latch on to someone else. It was dark and we were all exhausted by the time the search was called off, these woods ran for miles. And we weren’t trained or prepared for a manhunt. The next day the scout leaders were talking to some park rangers about the missing kid. The rangers wanted to know if we had any information about where he could’ve gone or what he was doing before he went missing. My friend gave me a look, but I stayed quiet, I had a feeling deep in my gut that whatever it was that kid had dug up it was better off not being found. After that we packed up and headed home early. I don’t know if that kid was ever found. I don't know where his troop is from to find out, but I don’t really want to know either. Whatever happened on that campout I'm fine leaving as a loose end.

[ruknowhere]

Coyotes On The Beach

1.

there are always risks, some small like losing this document, others of more significance like losing a life.  I’ve done lost lives and find myself alone in a cabin in a dying forest of grand old sequoia trees.  Thought about taking a bath this morning but there is a spider living in the tub and it seemed wrong to kill her with a flood.

The road flooded on my way here so I ended up spending a night in overpriced inn with a noisy clock that i took the battery out of.  Never have been able to figure out why anyone would want to hear each second of their life click away.

There are icicles hanging from the cabin gutters

been a long time since I have seen icicles, the last were actually made of glass by Dale Chihuly.  I took my daughter and fiancee to a spot I know in Leavenworth Washington.  A faux bavarian town set in real lovely mountains.  It was a pre wedding trip.  Time for them to relax and for me to try to pal up with my son in law to be.  Well three years later I am still trying to pal up with that guy but he is that guy for my daughter.  They love each other and what more could anyone want for their child then happiness

I sure want happiness.

2.

Leigh owns this cabin which is in one of the prettiest dang places I have ever been and I have been to many.  This is a forest from another time.  Huge trees fit for huge creatures.  Now it is empty.  I saw a marmot or at least that is what I am calling it and a few squirrels.  

Not many birds and zero people.  empty Odd, here in this national forest, set aside as a monument by Obama, nobody wants to venture out anymore.  

The campground is nameless now, all the signs removed, perhaps for winter or perhaps forever.  It used to be call Belknap Campground and it is in the middle of a sequoia grove.

Anyway Leight I bet is a piece of work.  From her pictures and various little bits gathered online I suspect back in the day she was quite a piece of ass too.  I know you can’t talk that way anymore but after all we are nothing but mammals wanting to do it like they do on the discovery channel.

Leigh’s cabin is reasonably well built but it is devoid of any human touches.  To say it is furnished sparsely would be an exaggeration.  Not even a spatula for cooking an omelet.  There is a small radiant heater built into the wall with a warning note attached that says not to move it because it goes off.  As far as I can tell it is always off but I am nothing if not resourceful and have found that the oven and stove burners do a fine job heating the place and the fireplace makes for some ambience deluxe.  The wood bundles I bought at the Springville store crackle and have a nice smell.  It is warm enough now to be naked.  I have a picture of a naked gal laying on an oriental rug.  She has a perfect body, long blonde hair and the rear view of her cunt makes my cock tingle.  I know I shouldn’t say cunt but for guys of my time the thought of a moist cunt with a cock thrusting in and out until you can hardly tell whose cream is oozing out unless you lick it up is well simply divine.

3.

Fire,

Fire on the mountain

4.

the thing about being alone is you are not really alone

you’re left with all your memories

people

places

come and go

that can be good

or bad

but there is always the loneliness

the new memories are missing something

someone

5.

the other day facebook said it was your birthday

funny for some reason I thought that your were born in july

oh well doesn’t really matter

anyway I bought some beer in your honor

a limited release from Lagunitas

Undercover Investigation Shut-Down Ale, 9.7% Alc and 66.6 IBU, especially bitter as they say

they also say Beer Speaks, People Mumble

I mumble and ramble thinking of the ESB ale at Rogue we drank on occasion

and remembering some of the great places we went together and especially the music

funny how people’s lives touch and nudge one another in new directions

I was remembering a picture you showed me once of you and some blonde hippie girl, maybe girls, back in the days of your youth standing in some sunny place

don’t know if you have been to death valley, if not you gotta get here, one of the most spectacular places I have ever seen and it has those high vistas you like

this whole trip has been pretty fucking beautiful.  

California highway 190 from the deepest darkest forests near the coast with huge old sequoias

remnants of another time

falling snow, mudslides and flooded roads made it interesting

to the painted molded rocks and mountains here in the desert

thinking of you

saxophones guitars

blonde girls I never knew

Yazmeen Sophie (is it Sophia now?) and Will

happy birthday dude wherever you be

6.

see that’s how it is with being alone

friends come and go

but still I wish I had

someone

on this trip with me

what a long strange trip it’s been

7.

I started this life as a tumbleweed

blowing across a Texas highway

carried to a cabin in the woods

and a house in the jungle

babies were born and grown

before the wind carried me elsewhere

8.

when nobody knows you you can be anybody

the danger is you are nobody or you can’t remember who you are now

9.

a coyote ran across the road

2 cars stopped and people got out to take pictures

coyote stopped and looked back at them with a real wtf kind of look

he smiled at me when I drove by

one of those smiles you are not sure what to make of

especially from coyote

10.

early into my hike this kind of shady looking guy sez to me

you got go up there to the right, just a little way it is worth it

you really got go up there it is worth it

I was in a good mood so I thought why not

I got kind of a suspicious feeling though when I saw a wrapper that said 10 times more

absorbent and more so when I saw a woman putting a pad in her panties

her red bush caught my attention

I asked her if she was alright and she said oh sure and told me

a nice guy with a welcoming smile had seen her in a bit of a panic because she knew she was bleeding and didn’t know where to go

he told her to go to the right, just a little way

not sure what his intentions were when he sent me up the same path and come to think of it his smile reminded me of that coyote

11.

I walked away but she said stay as she buttoned up her pants hiding the red bush which was still in my mind.  She asked if I would walk a bit with her.  I really didn’t have anything to do for the rest of my life so I said why not.  We got to talking and her story unfolded.  She was forty seven, worked most of her life as a waitress or such in nameless towns but really just wanted to back pies and fuck.   Well I like pie and like to fuck so I decided to walk with her a bit more.

12.

Darwin Falls, Edward Abbey and De-evolution

bet you are wondering what that has to do with fucking and wondering more if this story is a story.

Nothing and maybe or depends on your idea of a story

I do promise there will be some fucking complete with juicy cream pies

but not just yet gee we hardly know each other

13.

The road to Camp Nelson was the victim of a flooded bridge and mudslides

I was a victim of the closure of the road to camp nelson where my cabin in the woods was waiting for me.  This meant spending the night and a lot of money at the local inn but the bartender Lois made it interesting and at the cafe there was a big moose head mounted on the wall.  Bad days for mooses.  Sitting at the table under the moose was a lady maybe 70 years old and definitely attending to internal stimuli, or fucking crazy as they say in the biz.  She was eating a bowl of gruel, drinking coffee and talking up a storm.  We ended up talking about storms and mooses much to the dismay and annoyance of the dad and his two young kids who looked sternly at the two of us and the moose and walked out.  Earlier the waitress a curvy hispanic gal bursting out of her clothing had spoke with this dad in a soft voice I wasn’t supposed to hear all about my unusual behavior.  I must say she was pretty unfriendly especially since when I came in there were no other customers talking to her and I was being all friendly.  But me and crazy Lois talked a bit more.  I paid $10 for 2 eggs, toast, potatoes and coffee and left, Lois still carrying on many conversations and men across the street were getting ready to cut off limbs from an old tree which was thinking about taking out a roof and garage.

14.

So before we go much further into this story I have to tell you some of what happens is true and the names have been changed because mainly I can’t remember them or didn’t know them to start with.

So now we can go much further with the understanding that there will be shameless self promotion, lots of fucking some things that you might not have known before

advice of all kinds and questionable scientific explanations,  if that kind of shit bothers you it will be one of many reasons not to read anymore of this vulgarity.

15.

I once had a dog named Blossom.  We were living on a commune called Folly Farm, way more folly than farm.  It was me and blossom, Flannagan my forever best dog, shaggy terrier poodle mix.  Blossom was a husky shepherd mix and poorly named due to her tendency to cut the smelliest dog farts with no shame.  There were other hippie type people who maybe will show up here and include a long lost cousin with great tits, long red hair and criminal ways.

Blossom liked living on the commune.  She found a way to escape the fenced in abandoned garden she and flanigan ran in among the mullein and foxglove. The first thing she did when she got out at night was kill and mame our ducks.  Not really a good way to be on a commune.  One of the women there was a bit of witch and great at most all commune type things including chopping the heads off the wounded ducks.  Later I discovered she gave great head.  We lived together for awhile until her husband came to get her and the kids.  I learned a lot from her about mind connections over long distances which I am using right now as I think about a mermaid I know.  Blossom developed some kind of weird relationship with a group of the local coyotes and ran around with them made lots of noise (she could howl with best of them)  and killed lots of things like pets and farm animals which made the neighbors not too happy but they didn’t know if was blossom because for some reason she didn’t fart with the coyotes.

16.

At the Daze Inn in Vegas I learned that if you plan on drinking a lot of tequila and smoking lots of legal weed it is important to know how to navigate to one and only one light switch.  Safety First.

17,

Once you have found that light you can go on drinking and inhaling

Viva las vegas

Where anything is possible but not likely to happen

18.

I was married once, hmm grammar check once when I was married cause I was married twice legally.

I was married once, married a long time until I thought it would be a great idea to be swingers and she found out there was someone she liked to fuck better and in fact who loved her more and better than I ever did and she knew she loved him as opposed to me who she knew  she never loved.

19.

But enough about me.

to be continued?