#and also i need to pee :(( its been 9 hours since i woke up and i havent peed once

[girl-bateman]

Attempting a terrorist attack on the train station is NOT very girlboss :/

[sleepysnk]

wait wait WAAAAAIT i was reading ur zeke x reader fic and now i need a story of zeke supporting reader while she gives birth! u cant leave me starved for content like that 😭

THE ZEKE LOVE IS REAL I SEE. everyone seems to really like the three fics about him, i decided to give you a 4th one, because let's be honest we need to see what happens to reader lol. i hope you enjoy! ♡

Zeke x Fem!Reader: I Promise Pt. 2

Warnings: Mentions of birth/pregnancy, some slight manga spoilers

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

It had been about 9 months since (Y/N) had gotten pregnant. She could barely even believe that so much time has gone by.

The girl had been through so much, dealing with the sleepless nights, constantly peeing, food cravings, mood swings, etc! She didn't know that pregnancy would be such a crazy thing. She just assumed her whole life that it would be easy, but boy was she wrong.

(Y/N) was lucky to have Zeke by her side. He cared for her a lot, and the two spent a lot of time together. Sometimes he would have to disappear for reasons she knew were understandable, and she did have to deal with some things on her own.

(Y/N) was beyond excited to meet her baby. She was due in any day now, but she showed little to no signs of any birth happening soon. It confused her a lot, she thought that maybe the baby was just taking its time to come out.

Zeke was also very excited too. Being a dad was something he's always wanted to be, even if it was unexpected. He loved babies, and he had major baby fever at the moment. He would always find himself holding her stomach, or laying his head to feel somewhat close to his child. It always made (Y/N)'s heart flutter.

He dealt with a lot. He knew pregnancy was very serious, and having to deal with her mood swings, and all that other stuff was quite the hassle. Nevertheless, he still cared and dealt with it as time went on.

(Y/N) and Zeke would always play argue about what the gender might be. Zeke wanted a girl, but (Y/N) wanted a boy. The two would talk for hours about names and all that kind of stuff.

Watching her belly grow was probably the most beautiful thing Zeke ever saw. The way her stomach just grew more and more made him so happy. He couldn't explain it, but he just loved seeing her grow. It made him feel warm and fuzzy.

Zeke was currently away, he had to deal with some things with Marley, so he couldn't be with (Y/N). He told her before he left, that if anything happened, she was to get Pieck or Reiner. Of course, she assured him she would be fine, and she could take care of herself.

He didn't like leaving when she was so close to her due date. Zeke didn't want her to be alone, but he didn't have much of a choice.

(Y/N) was optimistic though, she knew what to do if her baby came. She had to just wait and see what would happen. That was really all she could do right?

"How long is he going to be gone for?" Mia asked as she approached (Y/N) in the kitchen.

She sighed. "Not sure... another day maybe? He'll be back soon though" she replied and shrugged.

Mia nodded. "Let's hope he's back in time, you're practically going to pop (Y/N)" she said and chuckled a bit.

(Y/N) drank some of her tea. "Yeah me too, I have been having contractions. Nothing too major though" she said.

Her friend looked at her. "You know where I'm at if anything happens" she said and gave her a smile.

(Y/N) nodded. "Of course Mia.. thank you" she said.

Mia stood up. "Well I'll be going now. Let me know if anything happens" she said and made her way towards the door.

(Y/N) waved and watched as she exited her home. It was getting kind of late. She decided to just head off to bed. She was already very fatigued anyway, this pregnancy made her sleep all the time, and she hated it. She missed having bursts of energy.

She lied in her bed thinking of Zeke and how much she missed his presence. He would always leave her flowers or little love notes to make her feel comfort when she felt lonely, and she absolutely adored it everytime. It always somehow gave her butterflies.

When (Y/N) woke up the next morning, she felt off. She had this feeling in her gut that something wasn't right, but she didn't know exactly what it was.

Zeke was ready to go and see (Y/N). He got let go pretty early, so he decided that he would make his way to go and see her. Though, he had to make a few stops on the way before that could happen.

(Y/N) had gotten dressed and showered. She still couldn't help but feel extremely off. She looked in the mirror, and admired her face. Maybe she was just tired? She wasn't sure, but she got some good rest the night before. She exited her room and went to her kitchen to grab something to eat, her cravings were high this morning.

That's when she stopped. Something wet was going down her legs.

Her water had just broken.

(Y/N)'s eyes went wide at the sight of her soaked pants, and suddenly she felt pain. They felt like contractions, but they weren't at all. Her baby was on the way.

"Shit!" she cried out as the pain struck her.

She had to get to Mia. She was the only person nearby that could help her. The pain was making her vision dizzy, and she struggled to get up.

She wobbled her way outside of her home. "Mia!" (Y/N) cried out as she looked around outside.

Mia opened the door to her home, and saw (Y/N) doubled over in pain. "Oh my god! (Y/N)! What's going on!? Is the baby coming?" she asked.

She nodded. "Yes Mia! Please we need to go to the doctor now!" she yelled as she held her lower stomach.

Mia began to help (Y/N) walk to the doctor's. Luckily, the doctors office wasn't too far from where she lived, so it wasn't a very long trip. (Y/N) was sobbing in pain. Mia couldn't bare listening to her best friend cry in pain, but she wanted to be there.

Reiner turned the corner and saw (Y/N) being carried over by Mia. "Shit! (Y/N)! Are you alright?" he asked and rushed over.

She struggled to stand up. "N-No! My baby is coming you idiot!" she yelled.

He looked at Mia who was struggling a bit as well. "Shit, I got her Mia. Go find Zeke, he should be back" Reiner said and picked up (Y/N) bridal style.

Mia nodded. "Alright, be careful. I'll be back (Y/N)" she said and began to quickly run off.

Reiner rushed to the doctor's. "Help! She's pregnant and she's going to give birth" he yelled as he entered in.

The nurse stood up and rushed over. "Oh gosh! Okay! Bring her back over here" she said and ran to a back room.

Reiner took (Y/N) and placed her on the bed. "Fuck!" she yelled as the pain radiated throughout her body.

The nurse began to remove her clothes. "What's your name? How far along are you sweetheart?" she asked.

"(Y/N) (L/N). I'm 9 months! Argh!" she cried out.

The doctor came in. "Okay (Y/N)! We're going to see where your baby's head is" he said and looked down.

(Y/N) was screaming and crying. Reiner stood there trying to calm her down.

Mia was running around trying to figure out where the hell Zeke was, Reiner said he was supposed to be back already. She wasn't sure how long her best friend had until that baby came out.

She spotted him from afar talking to Pieck. "Zeke!" Mia yelled as she ran towards him.

He stopped and noticed how frantic she was. "Huh? Mia? What's up? Is something wrong?" he asked and furrowed his brows.

"It's (Y/N)! Her water broke this morning! She's giving birth right now" Mia replied.

Zeke felt like everything went in slow motion. "I have to go" he said and looked at Pieck.

She nodded. "Go. She needs you" she said and gave a smile.

Zeke and Mia practically sprinted their way to get to the doctor's office.

Meanwhile, (Y/N) was a total mess. She was in so much pain, and her body was practically screaming. Reiner tried his best to make her feel calm, and to make her feel more relaxed, but she was giving birth. Not much he could do anyway.

"Okay (Y/N), these next few moments are going to be very difficult. Relax and take a deep breath" the doctor said and looked at her.

(Y/N) nodded. "O-Okay" she said and looked at Reiner.

"We're going to induce you okay? This is going to help your cervix dilate. It'll be easier for the baby to come out" he said.

She looked up at the ceiling trying her best to get comfortable. She needed Zeke right now, he was the only thing that could calm her and make her feel at ease.

"Sir we need you to stay here" the nurse said in the other room.

Zeke rolled his eyes. "My girlfriend is in labor right now! I don't give a shit" he replied.

(Y/N) opened her eyes and heard his voice. "Is that Zeke?" she asked and looked at Reiner.

"Is he your boyfriend?" the doctor asked and looked up at her.

She nodded. "Y-Yes... please let him in" she replied and gripped the sheets.

"Nurse let him in!" the doctor yelled.

The nurse moved so Zeke could enter. He saw (Y/N)'s face scrunched in pain. "(Y/N)!" he said as he ran to her bed side.

She turned her head towards him. "You're finally here.." she said and smiled at him.

He smiled. "I wouldn't miss it for the world" he replied and held her hand.

"Okay (Y/N).. you're gonna need to push just a bit. I need you to help her through this" the doctor said and looked at Zeke.

He nodded. "Got it" he replied and looked at her.

(Y/N) began to push, and as she did she cried out in pain. "It's okay (Y/N)! Keep pushing, you got this my love" Zeke said and held her hand.

She squeezed his hand tightly as she kept pushing. "Oh shit! Fuck! This hurts so bad!" she yelled.

The doctor looked under the blanket. "You're doing great! Once we see its head, you'll have to do one big push" the doctor said and looked at her.

Zeke kissed her hand. "You got this... I'm right here (Y/N). Just breathe" he said trying to reassure her.

She started to push again, she felt the pain starting to feel worse. She felt like she was going to pass out from all of it.

"Almost done! I see its head! One more push and it'll be out" the doctor said and smiled at her.

(Y/N) nodded. "Okay... fuck! I don't think I can do this.." she said and felt tears slip out of her eyes.

Zeke looked at her and wiped the tears from her face. "You can do it, I know you can. One more push... and it'll be done" he said and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

She swallowed and looked down at the doctor. "Okay.. okay! One more push.." she said and looked up at the ceiling.

She then pushed once again, and she screamed as loud as she could. "Nurse! Get me a blanket!" the doctor yelled.

She sighed and looked at doctor. "Is everything okay?" she asked.

He smiled as the nurse came in with blankets. "It's a boy!" He yelled happily.

(Y/N) became overcome with emotion. She heard the cries coming from the baby. Zeke looked over astonished, he couldn't believe their son was born. He felt tears come to his eyes as well, he never thought he would be able to have a child.

"Here you go (Y/N).. you did so well" the doctor said and smiled.

He handed her the baby. She smiled and looked up at Zeke, the baby had her (e/c) eyes, and his blonde hair. He was the cutest thing she had ever seen. Mia and Reiner stood in the doorway smiling at the two.

"He's so... beautiful" (Y/N) said and smiled at her baby.

Zeke nodded. "He's perfect" he replied and gave a kiss on her head.

"Do you both have a name?" the nurse asked and smiled at them.

The two looked at each other. "Anthony!" (Y/N) replied and looked excitedly at Zeke.

He nodded. "Anthony it is" he said and looked back at the baby.

(Y/N) felt so tired, her body felt like giving out in the moment. "You did so well" Zeke said and smiled at her.

She laughed a bit. "I wouldn't have been able to do without you" she replied and looked at him.

"I love you.." he said.

(Y/N) felt her heart flutter at those words. "I love you too Zeke..." she said.

"I promise to stay by your side" he said and held her hand.

"You promise?" she asked.

He smiled. "I promise" he replied.

[simsadventures]

Baby Fever II

Summary: You’re 9 months pregnant with your first child, and you and Bucky are both excited and nervous about the arrival of the little one.

Warnings: fluff, mentions of smut (nothing explicit this time around), daddy! Bucky, Deer Woman appearance

Word Count: 1932

A/N: Some of you liked the first part so much, you actually requested a second one, and I was honestly very happy to do it. This is pretty much just a fluff with a fluff on top, so I’ll hope you’ll enjoy it. Let me know what you thought :) xx

Bucky Barnes Masterlist __ Masterlist

Baby Fever I

The dull pain in your lower back woke you up. You groaned in frustration when you looked at the alarm sitting on your nightstand. It was 6.29, and even though that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, to wake up in half past 6, it was the fact that it has only been 2 hours since you last woke up. And you were tired. And in pain. And frustrated.

You looked at the other side of the bed seeing Bucky still soundly asleep, and although you were happy for him and his sleeping routine, you were also jealous of him.

You loved the fact you were pregnant, you really did. But your little bundle of joy had no care in the world for a time in the real world outside your womb, and he or she would regularly have a party in there around 4 AM.

And because nature had to make it so that the women would carry to babies, your husband would wake up rested and stress-free every morning, while you looked like a little dwarves dances on top of you the whole night.

You sighed, and rolled over to your other side, dangling your feet off the bed and you tried to get up. Not only were you tired, but your bladder was killing you as well. You were sure the baby thought your bladder was some kind of a ball and would kick it out of spite every twenty minutes, causing you to run to the bathroom.

There were times when you even wanted to have twins. That thought made you cringe now because just the thought of two babies being in there, playing with your organs made you shiver. One at a time was just enough for you.

You rushed to the bathroom, and when you were done, you looked at yourself in the mirror. There were dark circles under your eyes from the lack of sleep, and very probably from the strength of the baby, which, as Bruce said, has inherited parts of the serum from his father. Bucky was alarmed at first, at the thought of his baby being enhanced and all of that, but Bruce assured both of you that rather than being enhanced in the usual sense of the word, your baby would simply be less prone to be sick, its wounds would heal slightly quicker, and that was probably it.

He couldn’t be a hundred percent sure until it was born, but you trusted Bruce, and you were at ease with the whole serum thing.

Your eyes travelled south to your 9-month belly, swollen and hard with stretch marks at the sides. At first, you were horrified to see those lines on your body that use to be lean and without a mark, except the few scars you carried from your fights. But then, mostly thanks to Bucky, you realised that it was a miracle you even had this baby in you, and that your body was just accommodating for the little one to be as comfortable as you could make it.

You touched the right side of your belly, right next to your navel, and massaged it lightly. You knew the baby liked it when you touched the belly, or when you or Bucky spoke to it, and you wanted to enjoy this morning ritual until it decided to finally come out.

You could feel pressure under your palm, and when you lifted it, you could see a little hand protruding through your skin.

Despite your tiredness and all those frustrations you felt when you got up, a smile appeared on your mouth and tears welled up in your eyes. This was all you ever dreamed of, at least since you met Bucky, and you couldn’t believe that it was a reality. Your very own reality.

You didn’t even notice the movement behind you until there was a hand splayed on your stomach. You looked into the mirror and was welcomed by the sight that melted your heart.

Bucky’s hair was still messy from the pillow, his eyes looked like he hasn’t truly woken up just yet, but he had a delirious smile on his face, watching your belly with a newfound adoration.

Ever since you found out you were pregnant, Bucky was over the moon. He would make sure you had everything you needed, even if it meant he had to get up from the comfort of his bed at 2 AM just to bring you a sack of oranges, or a pack of ice cream. He would pamper you with kisses and hugs, give you massages whenever your body hurt too much, and he would be there all the time.

He even misses a few missions just because he didn’t feel like leaving you alone, despite your protests and Tony’s explanations that nothing could happen to you in the safest place on this planet. That wasn’t an argument for Bucky. You were his wife carrying his child, and he would be damned if he didn’t make sure you were both ok.

As the baby made its presence known, Bucky kept massaging your belly, marvelling at the sight of the tiny feet and hands showing through the thin skin of your stomach.

You leaned into his chest, loving the attention he was giving both of you, and you kissed the underside of his jaw. His eyes shot to yours, and he gave you the loveliest smile, pecking your lips in the process.

You were nearing your due date, well, according to Bruce, it could happen any day now. You were anxious, to say the least. You were an Avenger, that was true, but you couldn’t even begin to imagine what it would feel like to give birth to a tiny human being. And if it the little one inside you was anything like Bucky, it would come out kicking and screaming.

But the truth was, you weren’t even scared of the pain, you knew you could take it. Billions of women were able to do it before you, and you knew you could do it. You were more afraid for the little one. What if something happens to it? What if you can’t even do the one thing, right? What if you are a bad mother?

All these thoughts were playing in your mind as the due date neared, and they were now all you could think of. Bucky had no idea, or at least you thought so because you didn’t want to stress him out or let him know about all your doubts when it came to your child.

But Bucky being Bucky could read you like an open book, and so when you got lost in your head again, contemplating whether you are able to take on this new role, in this crazy world, Bucky put a finger under your chin and turned your to face him.

“Stop,” he whispered and touched your forehead with his, letting you take a deep breath, releasing the stress out of your body.

“We’re gonna be good, you’re gonna be a great mother, and I will never let anything happen to the little one, I promise. You are my family, my everything, and there isn’t a possibility of it not ending up ok. We’re gonna struggle at times, just like every other new parents, but we will get the hang of it. I saw you taking care of Morgan, and you’re natural, baby! So stop stressing about unnecessary things, and just enjoy the last few moments of being pregnant,” he said calmly, and just like always, you felt yourself letting go of all your fears, just because Bucky was with you.

“I know you’re right, it’s just the illogical part of my brain that comes up with all these worst-case scenarios. But you’re right, when it comes-“

You couldn’t finish the sentence, because you suddenly felt something wet between your thighs. And because you were pretty sure you just didn’t pee yourself, there was only one other possibility.

Bucky was watching in confusion, as you looked from him to your stomach and further down, and then back at him. It took him a good minute before he realised what was happening, and from the calm and collected Bucky, you had this fretting boy in front of you.

He was freaking out, to say the least, while you were overcome with peace. Sure, you were curious about the contractions, and all, but you suddenly knew you could do this. Your body was made for this. Which you couldn’t say about Bucky’s body, which was now shaking as he tried to remember what it was that you wanted to do first if something like this happened.

“Bucky!” You raised your voice to ensure the message actually got to his stressed brain.

“Call my doctor, Dr Young, and tell her that we are on our way. I’ll call Bruce and tell him what is happening. You’ll then grab my bag, it’s there, on the table, and you’ll calmly drive me to the hospital, just like we planned. Will you be able to do it, or should I call somebody else to drive us?”

“NO! I’ll drive us! I’ve got this! I promise, now let’s go,” Bucky said, obviously still a little shaken, but much better than moments ago.

You nodded at him, and while you were both calling the doctors, and heading towards the car, you looked outside, and for a brief moment, you could have sworn you saw a beautiful woman standing outside the window.

Her hair was flowing around her hips, the flower crown on her head accentuating her beauty just like her plain white dress. She looked like she was smiling at you and nodding, but when you blinked and looked again, she was nowhere to be found.

You thought you were hallucinating, from the pain that started to creep to your belly and forgot all about the image of a few moments ago.

But the Deer Woman has never forgotten. She came in to check on you, and to give you and the baby the strength to go through the labour as painlessly and quickly as possible.

She was also there, just outside the hospital where you were giving birth to your baby boy to oversee the whole process, and when she heard the sharp cries of your baby, and when she heard you saying the little boy’s name, she nodded again and vanished into thin air.

“Micheal Steven,” you said with a smile. “I think we should call him after Steve, because you and Steve have always been so close, and I would like to honour that. Also, we both agreed that sieve should be his godfather, so why not calling him after him?”

Bucky was already on the verge of crying from all the joy he was feeling, but when you asked him if you could name your baby boy after his best friend, the dam broke. He sobbed yes, and hugged you tightly, still careful of the babe in your arms.

He couldn’t believe his luck to have such a beautiful family, and he knew that it wouldn’t end with just this baby. Bucky wanted a whole litter of babies now that you two knew you made such cute ones. And he couldn’t wait to start trying with you again. Well, after little Micheal Steven was safe and sound in his crib and you were all healed up, of course. He could wait that long. But the baby fever in him could never be truly satisfied.

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@this-kitten-is-smitten​ @paradisiacalsparks​ @crazybutconfidentaf​ @owlyannah​ @lassini​ @s-trawberryv-eins​ @reniescarlett​ @bxrnsfeyson​ @the-soulofdevil​

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If you’d like to be tagged comment/message/send an ask. If you like the story, please reblog :) any comments are appreciated, even the critical ones. Always a space to get better, so let me know what you guys think.

[maknaesdancersrappers]

july 21

hello. july 21 is a special day for me and you dont have to read this because its just me venting out my thoughts and emotions as long as i can without word/character limits on any platform.

july 21 is my maternal grandmother’s birthday. when i was born, my mom went abroad often and my dad had the regular 9 to 5 job plus extra hours for commute. so growing up with my sisters who are 5 and 7 years older, our grandparents and aunts took care of us.

im also more fond of my maternal grandmother since my paternal grandmother lived far away and we rarely ever get to see her (usually only during summers and once she stayed with us for awhile) until she passed away from Alzheimer's.

during the long hiatus i took early this year (late december to mid-march?), a lot has happened in my life. my health was put at risk because of the ash fall brought by the volcano eruption (january 12); i had allergies for weeks - i couldnt breathe properly, let alone sleep because of it. it was about to be the second year after graduating college and i have yet to get a job; the pressure from my family - and myself - was so unbearable that i caught myself slipping back to my very, very, very dark thoughts. and the worst thing that happened in those three months: my grandmother passed away. in filipino, grandmother is lola (loh-lah) and i’d like to use that for the rest of this post.

if you ask anyone in their neighborhood, any of our family friends, and relatives, everyone will tell you that her death was sudden. because everyone knows her as the sometimes-funny-sometimes-cranky old lady that owns the convenience store at the corner of the street. she was 96. she was 96 but she refused to get a wheelchair or use a walking stick even though her knees started to hurt after a few steps. she was 96 but didn’t need glasses to read most of the time. she was 96 but didn’t have any maintenance medication. ever since she reached her 90′s, she had gone to the town clinic at least twice because she fell over (from loss of balance) and busted her head. yet she would walk the next day like she doesnt have stitches on her scalp. she hated going to the doctor, she’d always claim that nothing hurts and the only thing she wanted the doctor to fix was her hearing (its as weak as how her eyesight is clear)

i wasnt the only one in the family that got severely affected by the ash fall. my lola also had trouble breathing because of it. she also went to the doctor for it and they only prescribed her antibiotics. please remember this info. this should be around early february

she got a little better but her voice was very hoarse from the phlegm. even before this, lola had little to no appetite and would only eat when someone else is eating (usually if it’s us, her granddaughters). and by little to no appetite, i mean her whole meal would be three spoonfuls of rice and one piece/chunk of whatever the main dish/ulam is. whenever we ask if she had eaten (even though we know she hadnt) she’d always claim that she already has (this eventually became a little joke in our family.) we took this sign as her dementia getting worse (although she was never really diagnosed with it, we had naturally assumed it because she would always repeatedly tell us stories that she insists happened even though some have been debunked and there were times she forgets our names if we havent visited in a while.)

after she gets better from the cough (idk the real diagnosis of it), her legs started to swell and because her routine had been reduced to being bedridden for most of the day, my aunts thought it was just poor circulation. it took two weeks before they brought her back to the town clinic and again, they just prescribed her with some medicine. everything after this is blurry to me until feb 21

my mom, being the eldest, made the decision to bring lola to the hospital. she’s, rightfully, unsatisfied with the town doctor’s diagnosis and prescriptions because lola is in so much pain and her legs were still swollen and its been weeks. i was with her in the emergency room while my mom and aunt did the paper work and the staff ran tests on lola. i’m contacting my sister who was in singapore and we’d video call to entertain lola since she was very adamant - and vocal - that she did not want to be admitted to the hospital bc she was “fine.” goSh she made so many hospital staff laugh because she would always announce whenever she had to fart. after like 2 hours, we move her into a ward and my mom tells me that i’ll have to stay overnight to watch over her. i was very apprehensive of this idea. i honestly did not want to. seeing her in pain was bad enough, but the fact we were in a room with other people and she was crying out loud made me really anxious but it was final. my mom, aunt, and uncle all went back home just to have dinner and they’ll come back since lola’s doctor would be coming by to give the results and for that hour they were gone? i lost it.

lola started talking/praying out loud, asking god why she was in so much pain, asking what she had done to deserve this; and i didn’t know what to do but hold her hand and kiss her head. i couldn’t even show her i was crying. when my mom got back, i told her i cant do it and she eventually convinced my other sister to join me, who cancelled her plans for the next day. that night, i did not and could not fall asleep. after a few hours, her doctor finally came by and dropped a bomb on us. he was kind enough to talk to my mom and aunt behind the curtains in the softest voice ever while i helped the nurse with lola, but i could hear him crystal clear.

cancer of the liver. 

they even momentarily walked back to lola to touch her stomach and stepped back out. i almost thought i misheard, but my mom and aunt’s expressions were too grim that it basically confirmed it. later on, my mom finally told me and explained that the antibiotics she had been taking weeks ago were too strong for her because of her lifestyle and diet. there were tumors in her liver and surgery wouldn’t do anything. i dont remember what i did aside from sketching on the journal i brought, but until i got home at 10am the next day, i did not sleep a wink.

feb 22. when i woke up at 2PM, i was told that they had lola discharged from the hospital. there was nothing we could do but try to ease the pain to the best of our abilities and wait. starting that day, i went over to lola’s house to help out with feeding her, giving her medicine, and just trying to keep her happy by randomly smiling at her when i see her looking around or dancing to no music.

feb 24. these were the early weeks of covid - ph hadn’t had a case yet, i believe, but travel restrictions were being implemented. my sister in singapore was doing everything to make sure she could come home because we don’t know when, but we know lola was leaving soon. of all the things our mom told her not to do, she cried at the entrance of the embassy and by the grace of god, someone took pity and listened to her (bc she was denied entry since she had a small cough) and she was able book a flight at midnight and be home in 4 hours. that afternoon, when i arrived at lola’s house, that was the very first time i stood at the doorway to greet her like i usually did and she didn’t smile. not even the corners of her lips moved. she was in that much pain that she couldn’t even greet me back like she always did, which was to smile and nod her head. that night, we all decided to sleepover there (with the exception of my dad since he had to feed our dogs at home). i take my usual seat in the living room and i notice a white dress that i remember (from photos) being lola’s 50th anniversary wedding gown and without being told, i know it was what she was going to wear for the very last time.

feb 25. being notoriously a late sleeper, i was about to go to sleep at 2AM when i hear lola groaning and whining out loud. when i checked her, her stubborn lil ass was trying to get out of bed alone!!! so i obviously panic and try to wake up anyone by exclaiming that lola had to go to the bathroom - she’s been wearing adult diapers for weeks now but refuses to go in them and is adamant about bringing her to the bathroom so she could relieve herself - so me, and the same aunt and uncle from the hospital, assisted her into this modified chair so she could pee and the only thing i could do was hold her hand, like always. after that, my uncle said he’d watch over her and lie down beside her on the bed so in case she needs to go again, he can take care of it himself. after falling asleep, i heard a few hours later that my sister from SG arrived. when i woke up later on, my sisters and i presented ourselves to lola bc its been so long since she last saw us complete, and this time she was able to give us a small nod of acknowledgement. i realized that none of my uncles and aunts went to work that day, thinking it was just so we could be complete since my sister was home. but then i overhear them making plans to have a priest come over for the sacrament of anointing of the sick - which based on my last and only experience (my grandfather/lolo), this must be the day. during the session, a few of my aunts and an uncle cried. my sisters cried, too, but i forced myself not to. when the priest left, i don’t know how long, but suddenly, she was gone. i didn’t know how to react. this was the second time i’ve seen someone pass away before my very eyes. everyone was crying out for forgiveness, kissing lola’s head, but i couldn’t move one bit. i was finally crying, but i couldn’t move at all.

3 days. from learning about the real problem with lola, it only took 3 days for it to take her away from us. not even a week, or a month. the only bright side to this was that she’s finally relieved of all the pain that’s been causing her suffering. 3 days of knowing her time was very, very short, but it was still a shock when she finally left. 

for the longest time, lola’s goal was to reach the age of 100 because apparently our government will reward her with 100,000 pesos (like 2k usd) for doing so. she wanted to reach 100 because she wanted to leave us with some inheritance haha. and everyone believed she could do it. no one doubted her. until this happened. maybe its just me, but i feel foolish... completely stupid and ignorant for knowing deep down in my heart that she would reach 100 that losing her 3 years prior her goal hurt me more than ever. 

it’s been 5 months but remembering her death still makes me cry. i have dreams (and you all know im a lucid dreamer) where she’s still alive and we’re talking about how she beat cancer at 96 in just a few months, but then i’ll remember that she didn’t and the dream in front of me just shatters and i’ll wake up empty and crying. i have never felt so much regret after she passed bc all she wanted was to see me graduate and it was up to me to show her that i got my first job and give her a portion of my first salary, but i couldn’t even do that. i waited too long and now its too late. her ideal type for me was a rich atenean boy who could drive 😂 and i still couldn’t give her that bc im so anti-men. there was a time i was so scared to go back to lola’s house bc she called me out during dinner - “baket ka malungkot/why are you sad?” - when all i was doing was browsing through my phone, scarily enough going through another “episode”, and the last person i’d ever want to know about my possible depression was her. of all my suicidal episodes, i’ve always resolved them by thinking of her - that i will continue living because i wanted to see her smile. because i wanted to see her happy.

i miss her so much. i wish i had been a better granddaughter to her. the small things i’ve done for her were never enough. in the past 5 months, i’ve only dreamt about her twice (actually being with her) and both times made the day so hard to function. i havent moved on and i dont know if im the only one. i dont know if i’ll ever move on. she would have been 97 today. whenever she forgets my name, i’ll tell her i have the same birthday as her and she’ll remember me. she’ll say “ahhh rosean! july 10!”

if someone read through this, im sorry you had to go through that mess. but thank you for hearing me out. no, i’ll thank you the way my lola would thank people, verbatim:

thank you very much from the bottom of my heart.

[mymarvelbunch]

Be Your Own Hero - Steve Rogers x Reader (part 9)

Masterlist

Summary:  You’ve lost all your family and most friends in The Decimation. Refusing to believe their deaths are permanent, you dedicate years to find a way to reverse it. Upon finding something that might help, you search for the Avengers’ help. It’s Steve Rogers x Reader, but in reality it’s mostly Badass!Reader. Also, Non-American!Reader

Warnings: mild language.

Note: Y/Co = your country. Y/Ci = your city; Y/N/L = your native language.

Previously: All exhaustion from the day (God, it all been only a day) overwhelmed you as Steve took you to... a room. Your eyes couldn’t keep themselves open enough for you to see if it was yours or not. You felt yourself being laid down on a bed, but couldn’t bring yourself to let go of Steve just yet. He was so warm... “Y/N?”, he prompted. “You’re warm”, you said simply. “Warm...”, and darkness came again, but this time you welcomed it.

Part Nine

You woke up in the middle of the night with an urgent need to pee.

Your mentally cursed your bladder. There you were, in the dreamless sleep you had so desperately longed for, and now you knew you wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep unless you went to bathroom. Sighing, you tried to stand up, only to find yourself stuck by a pair of arms. Only then you realized your heard wasn’t rested on a pillow, but on someone.

That someone being Steve Rogers.

Your breath quickened. How did that happen? You barely remembered what happened after arriving back on your own timeline, only that Steve had been the one to take you. You couldn’t remember falling asleep at all, exhausted as you were.

Well, you were still too tired to think. Careful not to wake him up, you disentangled yourself from him and crawled out of bed. Fortunately, the room you were in was attached to its own bathroom. You didn’t want to wander around the place.

Relief washed over you as you finally managed to pee. Silently as you came, you left, crawled back to bed and rested your head on an actual pillow. As much as Steve made a great fake one, you wouldn’t dare to use him again, no matter how much you wanted to.

.

When you woke up again, the sun had already risen, and Steve was no longer there. You instantly felt yourself colder, but before you could mentally scold yourself, Steve showed up from the bathroom, toothbrush in hand. “Good morning, Sleeping Beauty”, he greeted, and you were positive you were blushing.

“Is that movie even from your time?”, you teased instead of actually replying. It was crazy; you had gotten used to tease Captain America of all people.

Then again, you two spent a month training together for almost 24/7, and shared a bed now. Teasing shouldn’t be surprising.

“The Disney movie? No, it isn’t. But you do know Sleeping Beauty is an old fairy tale, right?”, he replied with a grin.

“Oh, I forgot”, you said sincerely. “My brain hasn’t completely woken up yet.”

“Mine either, to be honest”, he said, yawning. “Woke up twenty minutes before you, and almost couldn’t get out of bed. God, yesterday was exhausting.”

“Yeah.” You yawned back. “Pretty sure that day lasted more than 24 hours for us. Haven’t been this tired since I got out of my mom.”

He snorted and laughed at that. You giggled, unable to restrain yourself. His laugh sounded like music to your ears, as cliche as that sentence sounded.

“I don’t think even pre-serum me has ever felt this tired”, he replied. “But my super solder stomach woke me up begging for food. Want me to get something for you?”

You shook your head. “I just want a couple more hours of sleep. Can I stay here?” Now that your eyes were fully open, you could attest this wasn’t your room. (Or rather, Scarlet Witch’s.)

“Of course you can. See you later”, that said, he left the room, closing the door. A part of you wanted to melt at his kindness, but the rest of you just wanted to close your eyes and fall back asleep, and so you did.

.

Intermission: Steve’s POV

When he got in the kitchen, only Bucky was there. He had faintly heard the others arriving back the Headquarters, but he didn’t muster the energy to leave his room to greet them. You had fallen asleep still in his arms, and he laid down to try to disentangle you from him so he could sleep on the floor. However, he had underestimated his exhaustion; he fell asleep as soon as he felt the mattress on his back.

Not that he was complaining. It had been the best sleep he had gotten in years, and he was pretty sure your presence had something to do with it - even though you were no longer in his arms when he woke up, he smiled like an idiot upon seeing your sleeping self, wondering what it would be like if he woke up every morning like this.

Calm the fuck down, Rogers, he thought to himself. He was being almost as worse than he was with Peggy after two years knowing each other. He had met you a month ago, for fuck’s sake.

“Is everyone still sleeping?”, he asked his best friend, who was eating a pair of toasts.

“If you mean everyone who stayed here, yes”, he replied. “All aliens went back home, including the Asgardians, which seem to have moved to... Norway, I think?” Steve nodded to indicate he guessed right. “Anyway, T’Challa, Okoye and Shuri went back to Wakanda through the wizard’s sling rings. Asked if I was going too, but I decided to at least wait for you.”

“I appreciate. I’ve missed you, buddy.” He side hugged his friend, who returned the gesture.

“Wish I could say the same”, he said. “But I didn’t even know three years had passed when I woke up. It felt like I had tripped and got knocked out for a couple minutes.”

Steve frowned, trying to remember how exactly did Bucky vanish. Then he snorted. “You fell face on the floor when you got dusted”, he said.

“Woke up facing the mud”, Bucky groaned. “Yeah, laugh all you want, you punk.”

“Jerk”, he replied immediately. “Anyway, what happened in Asgard after I left? You guys took a whole minute to come back. I heard.”

Bucky took another bite of toast before answering. “We managed to get rid of the rest of Thanos’ allies, either by killing them or just kicking them out of the planet for good. When everyone was about to leave, Loki and the green woman - Gamora, I think - asked to come to 2021 with us. Someone - not Tony - had the idea of bringing extra suits in case of failure, so we wouldn’t have a repeat of what happened to Y/N, and gave them to the two. But Thor told Loki that he had to stay and help his past self to defeat their sister Hela, who would come after Odin’s death to seek revenge and destruction. Loki then summoned Odin somehow, and they asked who wanted to help destroy Hela while Odin was still alive. I didn’t, so I came back, along with Sam, Rhodey, Tony and others.

“Some of the magically powerful ones stayed, and came back a few seconds later than us. Long story short, Hela was killed for good, in a cruel manner if you ask me - I’d rather spare you of the details the Asgardians so proudly told us -, Odin took the throne back, someone brought past Valkyrie to be trained for King, and Loki and Gamora came here. Thor is really happy, and Loki is worried by his brother’s looks, I think.”

“He had gone through some hard times, Buck”, Steve defended his teammate and friend. “It’s hard to describe when you weren’t here to see.”

Bucky nodded, and silence fell between the two. It was short-lived, though. “So, you got a girlfriend while I was away?”

He sighed. “Y/N is not my girlfriend, for starters, and I met her a month ago. You heard about it in the debrief before we went to rescue her.”

“Oh, that was a bad summary”, he complained. “I want the good quality content.”

Steve sighed, and told him all about the month spent with you, all while trying to keep his heart rate down and prepare his breakfast.

“You’ve got it bad, my man”, Bucky said in the end. “You should try to make a move, though. If you managed to fall for her in the span of a month, she might have at least a... what do they call now? Ah, a crush.”

“I might”, he replied after taking his first bite of food. “When we are all rested. I’m still not entirely sure if it’s a good idea, though. She is most likely going back to Y/Co to reunite with her family. That was the reason she came here, after all.”

A short silence. “You could follow her”, Bucky suggested quietly. “Personally, I think it’s about goddamn time Captain American retires, regardless of where you end up.”

There was no possible reply to that, so Steve kept his mouth shut and ate his breakfast.

.

Back to reader’s POV

According to an old digital clock in Steve’s room, it was nearly noon when you woke up for good. Your stomach seemed to agree it was lunch time.

After trying to make yourself minimally presentable, you headed to the kitchen, hoping to find something there. A lot of people were gathered inside, seemingly trying to cook lunch with varying degrees of success.

“Hey, Y/N!”, Natasha greeted you, holding a frying pan. “Lunch will be ready soon, make yourself at home!”

Steve smiled and waved at you. Stark, Potts, Barton, Danvers, Scott and Rhodes greeted you normally, while others introduced themselves: Sam Wilson (aka the Falcon), Hope Van Dyne (aka the Wasp, though you didn’t know that), Maria Hill, Nick Fury (who was just sitting around, actually), Peter Parker (aka Spider-Man), Wanda Maximov (aka Scarlet Witch) and... Bucky Barnes?

“Uh, with all due respect, weren’t you dead?”, you said bluntly.

He frowned. “I thought my identity was public knowledge”, he replied innocently.

“It might be the case in Wakanda”, Steve said, “but the files Natasha leaked don’t have any mention on the Winter Soldier’s civilian name.”

“There were theories on the internet”, you added, “but no one gave them credit, to be honest. Even after finding out HYDRA had developed the serum, nobody believed they had run tests as early as in World War II.”

“It makes sense”, Barnes said after a while. “They did try to strip me of my identity. There was no reason for my name to be written down. Anyway, it’s nice to meet you, Y/N Y/L/N. My buddy here has told me all about you.”

There was a glint in his eyes you couldn’t read into. “I hope all good things”, you replied. “Where is the rest?”

“Bruce is at med bay”, Natasha answered. “Taking care of his burnt arm. We still don’t know if it’ll heal.”

“Thor and the Asgardians went back to Norway”, Danvers added. “And the Guardians of the Galaxy took their spaceship and went... somewhere. I might leave soon too, after I visit some friends.”

“Strange went back to work”, Stark said. “Guy never rests. And Morgan is with a nanny Pepper hired at last minute. Did Happy already go to get her?”

“He left fifteen minutes ago, sir”, the disembodied voice you knew as FRIDAY answered.

“Great. We have a lot to celebrate after lunch.”

“And a job”, Steve replied. “Someone has to get the Infinity Stones back to their timelines.”

“True”, Scott agreed. “Who’s going to do it, by the way?”

.

That job fell into yours and Steve’s hands in the end. Or rather, it fell into Steve’s hands and you offered yourself to go along, not only because you wanted to travel across time and space once more, you wanted as much time as possible with him.

Working with the Avengers had been wonderful. Not only you successfully brought everyone back, you got to meet a lot of heroes from Earth and from space. There was a minor setback (okay, maybe the threat to your life wasn’t ‘minor’) but everything worked out in the end.

But you supposed it was time for goodbyes. You weren’t really suited for a hero’s life; you just wanted to go back to normal, with your family and friends by your side. However, you couldn’t say you wouldn’t miss the friends you had made.

Especially Steve. Your feelings for him only grew in the past weeks, and you were half sure you were in love. You were certain you weren’t meant to be, though. Steve was a man out of his time, and many of your talks showed that he still missed the past deeply. He carried a compass with Peggy Carter’s picture inside! If that wasn’t proof that he longed for the life he lost when he crashed the plane, you didn’t know what it was.

By nighttime, you two were suited up, carrying three Stones in each hand. The Mind Stone was back to the Scepter, the Time Stone was held inside a pendant, and the Power Stone was inside an orb, but no one managed to rebuild the Tesseract that held the Space Stone. Soul and Reality didn’t need anything else with them.

“Okay, let’s review one last time”, Stark said as he turned the time heist on. “Mind and Space Stones go back to New York in 2012. Time goes back to 2017 Strange, also in New York. Power is sent back to Morag, 2014. Soul and Reality to 2018. We all agree it’s too dangerous to send them back to Titan, right? So we take Soul back to Vormir and Reality to Knowhere.”

You and Steve nodded. Once again, you carried extra suits, timers and Pym Particles. Better to be safe than sorry.

“Okay, then. On 3... 2... 1...”

Stark Tower, 2012

The main hall was nearly empty. “Where is everybody?”, you asked Steve.

“Anywhere but here”, he replied. “Everyone got busy after the battle. HYDRA’s trying to retrieve the Scepter and the Tesseract, SHIELD agents are doing the same while evaluating Loki, and we are wrapping everything up.”

You nodded. The Scepter was in your hands. “Are we sure we should hand both of these back? From what you guys told me, these Stones will only bring more problems in the future.”

He turned to you with a thoughtful expression. “What do you suggest?”

You took the Mind Stone out of the Scepter. “Let’s switch Stones and throw Mind in the elevator shaft. It barely glows, so it will take quite a while for them to find it.”

You turned to him to get the Space Stone. He had a mischievous smile on his face. “I like the way you think, Y/N”, he said, handing you the Stone. You placed it on the Scepter. Then, as the elevator doors opened, you threw the other down. You and Steve were quietly laughing as you got in and waited to arrive at the floor the Avengers would be at.

When the doors opened, things were way more chaotic than you expected. Grinning, you simply threw the Scepter on the floor. “Let’s just suit up and go”, you suggested. He nodded, and you both left.

New York, 2017

This looks like a mansion”, Steve commented while standing in front of the Sanctum.

“The Sanctum in Y/Ci is much more modest”, you replied. “It was disguised as a tarot reading shop. Anyway, let’s get in. Strange must be waiting for us.” You knocked. Steve was the one holding the pendant with the Time Stone, ready to show it when needed.

It was Wong who opened the door. It was odd to see him and not be able to greet him like you would had you saw him in 2021. This Wong had never met you. “Oh, you came with the Eye of Agamotto”, he said. “Come in.”

Strange showed up soon after, coming from a random room. “Captain Rogers, Miss Y/L/N”, he greeted. “Thank you for returning the Stone to me.”

Steve handed him the pendant. “Before we go”, you said, “may I use the bathroom?”

“Of course”, Strange replied politely. “Captain, I have something for you in the meantime.”

After coming back from the bathroom, you tried to ask Steve what did Strange give you, but he simply waved it off. “I’ll tell you when we’re done.” You bid your farewells to Strange and Wong, and activated your suits.

Vormir, 2018

You could smell death all around the planet. “What kind of planet is this?”, you whispered quietly to yourself.

“Let’s just deliver the Soul Stone and get out of here”, Steve said, probably just as tense as you were.

“I was thinking”, you replied. “We could let the Reality Stone here too. Buried under the sand, like we plan to do with the Power Stone.”

He frowned. “Why?”

“It’ll make it harder for Thanos—or anyone else—to find it. People come here to find the Soul Stone. Nobody will think of looking for another.”

He nodded and opened his mouth to speak, but a voice stopped him. “Y/N, daughter of [your father’s first name]. Steve, son of Sarah.”

You both turned to see a floating red creature wearing a black robe. “Red Skull?!”, Steve exclaimed. “What the hell are you doing here? I thought the Tesseract had absorbed you.”

‘The Tesseract had what?’, you thought incredulously.

The red-faced man answered, “The Space Stone cast me out, banished me here, guiding others to a treasure I cannot possess. But it seems that you came to return it, instead.”

“Yes”, you replied, ignoring the fact that Steve apparently knew this guy. “We have no more use for it.”

“Alright, then”, ‘Red Skull’ said. “Follow me.”

And so they did. He led them to a cliff. “Normally, this is where you sacrifice one which you love to acquire the Stone. However, in your case, it is where you will return it.”

“I knew it!”, you mumbled. A sacrifice was needed to get the Soul Stone, and this was how Thanos had killed Gamora.

Without hesitating, you threw both Stones down the cliff. “What have you done?”, Red Skull asked, his voice tone unreadable. “The Reality Stone cannot be acquired through the sacrifice.”

“That’s the point, Sunburn”, you replied with a grin.

“Well, it was nice seeing you again, Schimdt”, Steve said with a tone that pointed it hadn’t been nice at all, “but we have more work t—“

He was interrupted by an orange glow. Something floated up to them and fell on the cliff’s edge. When the glow faded, you immediately recognized Gamora.

“A soul for a soul”, you heard Red Skull say as Gamora stood up. “It seems that the deal goes both ways.”

“Where am I?”, Gamora asked. “Who are you?”

“You’re on Vormir, and we are allies”, Steve replied. “We’ve met your friends. Guardians of the Galaxy, right?” She nodded. “We can take you to Earth. Rocket and Groot  are there.”

She frowned. “What about the others?”

“On Titan”, he said. “They were fighting Thanos last we saw them, and it’s too dangerous for us two to be near him. They are supposed to go to Earth afterwards, though.”

It took a couple minutes, but Gamora eventually agreed.

Morag, 2014

You dropped Gamora on 2018 Earth and quickly proceeded to your last destination. Past Peter Quill was no longer there, but none of you were really bothered. You two knelt and buried the orb near the temple it originally was. “At least this is a timeline with no Thanos”, Steve commented quietly. “Let’s go”, he said as you finished burying the Stone.

“Wait, Steve”, you said as you stood up. “You don’t have to come with me.”

He frowned. “What?”

You sighed. This was hard, but you knew it was the right thing to do. “You have extra Pym Particles. We both do. Steve… I know you never really moved on from the past. You still long for the life that was taken from you when you fell on the Artic. You don’t feel like you belong in our present, do you? This is your chance to rewrite your story, Steve. Go to 1945 and dance with Peggy. Find Bucky while he still hasn’t turned to the Winter Soldier. Get rid of Zola and HYDRA before they take over. Make everything right. You’ve fought for so long, you deserve to rest.”

His eyes widened, but he said nothing. You took that as an agreement on his part. “Go be happy, Steve. You deserve it more than anyone I know.” You suited up and proceeded to turn your timer on. Before you could go back to your time, you had an idea. It was entirely impulsive, but it was your only chance. “May I do something? You can push me out at any time.”

He nodded slowly, seemingly still processing what you had told him previously. Gently, you placed your hands on both sides of his face, stood on your toes, closed your eyes and kissed him on the lips. It was brief, nothing more than a peck—you didn’t want to stay enough to find out if he’d kiss you back or not—but it was everything you ever wanted. You backed out fast, and activated your timer. “Thank you for everything”, you said.

Your last thought as you entered the Time Heist was that you never got to know what Strange had given him.

Avengers Headquarters, 2021

You opened your eyes to see Steve looking at you with a small smile. You frowned. “What?”

He let out a quiet laugh. “I think we need to talk a bit, huh?” You nodded, still shocked to see him there, looking exactly like he did when you saw him. “Let’s go to my room.”

You waved to Stark and followed Steve to his room. There, he sat on the bed and gestured for you to sit beside him. “I thought you were going to follow my suggestion”, you said quietly.

He smiled. “I kind of did. I did go to 1945, but not to Peggy’s home. I went to the Arctic, shortly after the plane crashed, and rescued my past self.

“After he came to his senses, I told him I was from the far future. I gave him a notebook Strange gave me when we were in 2017. He said the notebook had showed up at the Sanctum with my name in it. When I opened, waiting for you to come back from the bathroom, there were notes regarding Peggy, HYDRA, Bucky, the Starks, the Avengers and many other things. When you suggested I should go back, I understood what I truly had to do.

“I told past me to go fix my timeline, and live the life I hadn’t been able to. When he seemed to understand, I helped him find a way to go back to US.”

You bit your lip. His story was clear, but there was still something you didn’t understand. “But why didn’t you do it yourself? Why did you gave it to the other Steve?”

He reached your face and tucked a lock of hair behind your ear. “For someone so smart, you can be really oblivious sometimes.”

You blinked, heart rate increasing. It couldn’t be, could it? “What do you mean?”

He grinned wide, hand rested on the crook of your neck. “She wasn’t my Peggy, he wasn’t my Bucky. That timeline didn’t belong to me. You were right in a way. That Steve I saved will surely be happy now… but I wouldn’t.”

He turned in your direction. “Once upon a time, Peggy was the love of my life. But I’ve moved on from her. Yes, I missed her. Yes, I wish Bucky and I had gone back from the war and had peaceful lives. But I made a life for myself here, a good one. I have friends, a nice home… and I found someone new. Someone to love.”

You gulped. He kept on, “I was afraid she wouldn’t like me back. After all, I was the idiot who fell in love after only a month of knowing her. But then… she kissed me, can you believe it? Right after telling me to go chase another woman. She wanted me to let her go after kissing me, but I couldn’t. Not when I had a chance to be with her.”

You were sure you had stopped breathing. Steve had just said he fallen in love with you. You. It couldn’t be real.

“Me?”, you whispered, afraid to speak any louder and wake yourself up from that dream—because that had to be one. “You… love me?”

“Don’t look so surprised, Y/N”, he said softly. “A beautiful woman shows up at my home one day, offers me a chance to get my friends and half of the universe back to life after spending three years devoting herself to find said chance—years that could have been spent on chasing her own dreams—, gives emotional support not only to me but to other members of the team, treats me as a person instead of a hero, nearly sacrifices herself so Thanos wouldn’t go after us, is worthy of wielding Mjölnir and shows to put everyone above herself. Not to mention she’s funny as hell, has good taste in film and music and gives the best hugs of the century. How could I not fall in love?”

Your breath returned, but quicker than it should be. He was looking at you as if you were his whole world, and there was nothing else to look at.

You still couldn’t understand how and why someone as wonderful as Steve fell for an ordinary woman like you, but you’d be damned if you let him go. “You know, I’m really relieved to hear that, because I fell in love with the most amazing man I’ve ever met. I think you might know him. Steve Rogers. He’s pretty handsome for a centenary man, and his smile makes me want to melt on spot. Not to mention he’s always been kind to me and laughs at my bad jokes. Oh, and he’s a hero, did you hear? Captain America, paragon of virtue and a moral compass for an entire nation. You’d think the guy would have an ego twice his size, but he’s actually really humble, and lives up to his reputation. He makes me want to be a better person, every day, and look, he’s Catholic like me, meaning my dream of getting married at church is still within reach...”

Yes, you were rambling in an attempt to hide your nervousness. He didn’t seem bothered by it, though. When you stopped talking to take a breath, he asked, “May I kiss you? You didn’t gave me the opportunity to kiss you back in Morag, and I really, really want to show you how mad you were to think I’d leave you for Peggy.”

Unable to answer that with words, you nodded. His lips reached yours, and everything else faded away.

Epilogue

-------------------------------

Happy holidays, everyone! Now there is only an epilogue missing. It’s going to be cute, I promise!

Taglist: @autobotgirl15-blog​ @starstrucknature @cheeseburgersstuff​ @aamzter2013 

[myprehrtdiary]

4/30/19 - Morning

I woke up today in my skirt after going to bed in it, its upsetting knowing I have to be conscious of when I have it on and listen outside of my door to make sure nobody walks in because there is no lock. But the feeling of waking up, looking down and not immediately seeing the thing I hate more then anything is relaxing, especially when its my nice navy blue skirt. I also have been wearing panties underneath my clothing to help with the dysphoria. 

I got up today and just stared at the ceiling thinking about last night. A friend revealed some very personal information after a night of drinking together on a discord server. The server itself is very small and if it was any bigger I dont think I could even stomach the idea of being in VC. My voice is very deep and growing up I remember being told by lots of cis women that they found it attractive and masculine. I absolutely hate it, but it does carry presence and people tend to listen when they hear something they like so atleast in conversation it works nicely. I have been voice training for around two weeks, I have a nice range and have been able to surprise people when I go from high to such a low. Right now I use my new voice full time when I talk to two people, who I both love dearly and each mean so much to me. I have been told I am making nice progress which is very flattering, later tonight i’ll post a vocaroo or something. I dont think i’m some wonder prodigy at all or that I dont have to work on it, I want to work on it even more everyday but because of the people I live with it is difficult too when its not late at night and everybody is sleeping. Luckily i’m 100% nocturnal and my room has somewhat decent sound proofing so as long as I keep my voice somewhat down I can practice. 

I attempted to get out of bed and noticed my headphones had been tangled around my neck and it had immediately reminded me of a past suicide attempt. Great way to start off the day. I had eventually gotten up and went into the shower. I have to make sure to put my underwear inside the pocket of my pants or deep into the leg hole so it cant be seen at first glance if someone were to walk into the bathroom anyway. I shaved my arms, stomach, chest and crotch (which is always awful but I tell myself i’ll feel better with no hair anyway). My penis makes a lot of things difficult, I haven't been able to masturbate without crying or at least feeling even more depressed in years, morning wood is always an awful way to start the day and using the bathroom has always felt embarrassing and disgusting. I have been trying to sit down when I pee but the habit of doing it standing up for 20 years has still got a grip on me, although I am making a conscious effort not to stand up.

After getting out of the shower I had shaved my face which I have done everyday for the last month as soon as I wake up. I was finally able to put my underwear back on. They’re styled like japanese pantsu and even have a cute little ribbon in the front. In a couple hours I have to get birthday dinner with my little brother, hes turning 17 today and i’m really proud of him. Hes turned out alot nicer then myself and I hope he never has to struggle mental illness and can live a nice normal life. I dont know how my social anxiety will do, I havent gotten out of the house in 9 days before yesterday, I needed to get orange juice for my vodka so I had to go to the gas station and pick some up. luckily when paying you can just remain quiet, pay and leave. I dont like leaving my room in general let alone the house, nothing bad can happen in my little hole and the only times I need to leave are to shower or grab food. I have also been doing a one meal fast since yesterday and after 4-5 days I feel a nice afterglow. 

I need to leave and head out to red lobster so i’m going to end this here. Right now, yes I want to start HRT

[kee-writestrashh]

Guns for Hire

Ramsay Bolton x Reader

ao3

Summary:  You are the wife to the Heir of the Red Kings, Ramsay Bolton. living the undercover life of a mob wife has its perks, and you love your husband. But you find out something that seems to unfold a series of unwanted events…

Chapter 28: The Iron Bank

Ramsay entered the living room looking irritated. He stopped at the end of the couch, folding his arms and giving you a rather dangerous look.

You set your book down and offered an innocent smile.

"Why the fuck have you been up since fucking five o'clock?" He demanded, raising a brow and narrowing his eyes.

You sighed, "Well, first, I had to pee. Seems to be becoming a constant thing. Then out of nowhere my nose started bleeding and I thought I was going to bleed out. It was an absolute nightmare. Then I just couldn't get comfortable and didn't want my tossing and turning to wake you. So I came in here to lay down and fell asleep for awhile. Then I woke up feeling worse. I have a terrible headache and my fucking hips hurt. I'm afraid to take anything. So anyways, I thought maybe I could go through my book collection and find a book to start reading the baby in a couple weeks. What do you think, The Outsiders or To Kill a Mockingbird?"

Ramsay ran his hand over his face, shook his head slightly, and walked towards the kitchen.

"Stay gold, Ponyboy." He mumbled, walking past you.

You grinned slightly, sitting up and stiffling a yawn. You slowly rose from the couch, the cold floor uncomfortable on your bare feet.

"I'm sorry I didn't stay in bed. I know you don't like it." You said gently, wrapping your arms around your husband and resting your forehead on his warm, bare back.

He grunted, and continued to make coffee.

"You are just so lively this morning." You giggled, stepping away from him. "You good? You never sleep this late." You added, glancing at the clock to see it was almost 9.

He shrugged, lighting a cigarette, and stepping out the back door.

You frowned, watching him leave.

Something has definitely gotten under his skin. You thought.

Or maybe he had just worn himself out. You were exhausted. There was never a moments peace anymore. Not that you didn't do it to yourself. What were you thinking, cramming your day so full?

You rolled your shoulders and walked to the bedroom, opening your closet. You peeked around the door to look out the window. A bright, cloudless morning.

You pulled a sweater from its hanger and found your favorite pair of leggings.

×××

You met your parents outside the diner. And there was baby Eli. But, he wasn't such a baby anymore.

"Wow. You've grown up." You said, looking up at him.

His green eyes were hard. His jaw ticking. Of course you had seen his pictures on Facebook yet they didn't really do him justice. He was no longer the braceface, freckled youth you had once known. He was tall, built, and looked unyielding.

"That's what happens." He replied, a slight edge in his voice.

You sighed, heart sinking. You hoped he wasn't still mad at you. But you knew better.

You hitched your smile, "Eli, my husband, Ramsay. Ramsay, little brother, Eli."

Ramsay eyed him carefully as he shook your brother's hand.

"Pleasure." Ramsay said, dropping Eli's hand.

"That it is." Eli replied, also sizing Ramsay up.

"Food then? I'm starving." You said quickly.

Your mother did most of the talking through brunch. She was ecstatic about having two of her three children together.

"How long have you been in town?" Ramsay asked your brother.

"We only just got in night before last." Eli shrugged.

He had seemed to soften a bit through the course of the last hour.

"Well then, let's go out tonight. Bring a couple buddies and we will show you the nightlife." Ramsay said, tearing his straw wrapper into a pile of even pieces.

You shot your husband a quick look but said nothing.

Eli hesitated.

"I promise you'll still be alive in the morning." Ramsay chuckled.

"Guess it couldn't hurt. I'd like to get to know my sister again, and the man she's married to." Eli finally said.

Poor little brother.

"So anyways, dad, your heart. What's up?" You said, ready to change the subject.

Your father heaved a deep sigh, "they wanna go through with the surgery."

"Well, it won't be so bad. I'm sure Whit can find someone to help out with the animals until you're back up and running." You said, giving a smile.

"Well, it's not cheap. Having to hire a paid hand. The surgery itself. Insurance will fight us tooth and nail." Your father said with a defeated air.

You watched him, a throb stinging your heart. No, your parents didn't exactly hurt for money, but keeping a farm took just as much money as they made.

"Dad, don't worry about it. Give me a number and I will make it happen." You said, reaching across the table for his hand.

You felt the eyes of your mother and brother on you.

"No, no. I have a few horses that will bring in more than enough money. And we can..."

"No." You cut across him, "You aren't selling anything. You'd never forgive yourself if you sold Joe and Mac. Give me a number and it will be done two times."

"Baby, we couldn't ask you to do something like that." Your mother spoke up.

You made an impatient noise. Stubborn, hard working country folk.

"Mom, stop. You're taking the money whether you like it or not. My father in law owns one of the largest businesses in the world. We can afford it, I promise."

The note if finality in your voice kept anyone from saying anything else on the matter.

You glanced over at Ramsay who had been oddly quiet. His eyes were glued to the television across the room.

You followed his gaze.

A news reporter was interviewing a man who you didn't recognize, but you did recognize the name at the bottom of the screen:

Jon "White Wolf" Snow

You brought your eyes back to Ramsay, who sat rigid in his seat, fist balled on the table, eyes looking daggers at the TV, jaw clenched so tight it was amazing he hadn't broken all his teeth.

You cleared your throat, turning back to your family.

"Well, this has been wonderful, but I know we need to let you get back on the road."

Your father glanced at his watch, "yeah, got animals to take care of."

You had to stamp on Ramsay's foot to bring him back to the present.

"Hm?" He hummed, slowly bringing his face to yours.

"Parents. They need to leave." You said, giving them a glance.

"Right. Of course." Ramsay said, standing and helping you from your chair. He shrugged into his jacket, pulled his wallet out, dropped a crisp $100 on the table, and offered his arm to you.

You hugged your parents warmly as they climbed into their car.

"Be safe, please. Call if you need anything. Money will be in the bank tomorrow morning. I love you guys." You said, giving a small wave at them.

"Of course baby. We love you too!" Your mother said, waving back and rolling up her window.

You stood between Ramsay and your brother watching your parents leave. When they had disappeared into traffic you turned to Eli.

"Eight. My house. I'll send you the address." You said, hugging your brother for the first time in almost eight years.

"Seven." Ramsay said, shaking Eli's hand again.

"Seven?" You said, turning to Ramsay.

"Aye. Seven. Can't go play the game without a little warm up." Ramsay said with a small shrug, opening your door for you.

"Alright. Seven it is." Eli said with a nod.

×××

"You okay?" You asked, pushing the back of your earring into place, walking into the living room.

Ramsay was sprawled out on the couch, arm over his face.

"Yes, doll." He said, slightly annoyed.

You'd already asked him the same question probably 6 times since returning home.

You sighed, "Jon Snow?"

Ramsay sat up so quickly it frightened you.

"Do not ever speak that fucking bastard's name in my goddamn house." He growled.

The acid in his tone scaring you. You felt your eyes widen in fear and gave a small nod.

"I... uh... I have to go meet the Tyrell girl now." You said quietly, dropping your eyes to the floor and walking to the front door, pulling your purse from the table beside the door and fumbling with your keys.

"Baby girl, come here." Ramsay said, standing.

You slowly turned to face him, biting your lip, walking back across the room.

He grabbed your wrist once you were within reach and pulled you into him.

You stared at the buttons on his shirt, inhaling a calming breath through your nose.

He cupped your chin and brought your face to his. You didn't meet his gaze.

"Look at me." He whispered.

You swallowed, bringing your eyes to his.

He tucked a loose strand of hair behind your ear and ran his thumb along your bottom lip.

"I shouldn't have yelled at you." He stated, placing his lips to yours.

"I'm sorry I made you mad." You said quietly, kissing him back.

"It doesn't matter. It will all be taken care of soon." He said, releasing you. "What do you hope to achieve in this meeting?"

You shrugged, "she seems like a talker. Maybe I can worm something useful out of her."

"See that you do. You need to let me send one of the Boys."

"No. I said I would be alone. That means no Boys allowed." You smirked. "I have my girls. It will be okay. I trust them."

"You shouldn't trust anyone." He said, crossing his arms.

"I trust you." You replied.

"I don't even trust me." He said.

"Point exactly." You smiled.

He chuckled and walked you to the door.

"If you're not back by five thirty, I am coming to collect you." He said, kissing your temple as you stepped out the door.

"Of course, baby. I love you." You said, giving him a fleeting kiss on the cheek.

"Love you too, baby girl." He said, closing the door.

You dropped your keys on the counter and took a seat across from Tyene, holding your hand out to her.

"Didn't Bella just fix this nail?" Tyene asked, pulling her acrylic box from a drawer.

"I have a habit of biting this one, apparently." You said, giving an innocent shrug.

"So, what's up?" Tyene asked, taking your hand in hers.

"Oh, you know. The usual. Margaery Tyrell is meeting me here in thirty." You said.

Tyene raised a brow, looking up from your hand. "Why?"

"Rams reckons she can be useful. Not sure what he's looking for, but told me to get friendly with her."

"Be careful around those roses. They are all full of thorns." Oberyn Martell said, sitting in the empty chair beside you.

"Didn't expect you to be here." You said, offering him a smile.

"Ah, but nowhere I would rather be than with my lover and beautiful daughters." He said brightly.

You smiled. You really liked this family.

"Is your husband busy?" He added.

You shook your head, "I don't think so."  

"Well, I have word from my brother and would much like to relay the message to the young Bolton."

"He was at home when I left. He didn't say anything about leaving."

Oberyn nodded, rising from his chair.

He rested his hand on your shoulder, "You are a beautiful mother to be. Children are precious gifts. Never forget that."

You regarded him and gave a smile, "Thank you."

He disappeared into the back as the door chimed behind you. You looked up at Tyene, but she shook her head and continued working on your nail.

"Anything new?" You asked.

"Lannister's are recruiting men like crazy. Losing the Baratheon's was a big blow to them. And, if it is okay with you, we will be unavialble for a few days after tomorrow." Tyene said, sounding unsure about the last part.

"Of course, what's up?" You nodded.

"Papa wants us all to take a few days to go home and be a whole family again."

"Yeah, no problem. Not at all. After today I plan on doing nothing but laying in bed and sleeping. I am beyond tired. I've been doing waaaay too much since Christmas." You said, the idea of laying in bed for days so very inviting.

Tyene gave a grin, "Thank you."

"No need. It is I who should thank you. Finding you all has been a real life saver." You said earnestly.

You relaxed into the chair, closing your eyes listening to Tyene gush about Matt. It was almost too cute.

Finally she led you to the drying lamp, braiding your hair as you waited on the timer.

The bell chimed again.

"It's her." Tyene said quietly, under her breath, as she checked that your nail was dry.

You stood, turning to see Margaery Tyrell and her bright smile. Next to her was a very old and wrinkled woman. It must have been her grandmother. The legendary Queen of Thorns.

"(Y/n)! So good to see you again." Margaery said brightly, wasting no time in crossing the room and embracing you in a tight hug.

"Yeah. You too." You replied, hugging her back. It was weird and it left you flustered.

Of course it did. It was a game. Everything was always a fucking game. But you were a master at games thanks to Ramsay. She wasn't going to throw you off.

"This is my grandmother, Olenna." Margaery said when she stepped away from you.

"A pleasure, ma'am." You said, inclining your head slightly.

"Let's get to it than, shall we, Bolton?" Olenna said, sitting in the nearest seat.

Everyone always said your last name in such distaste. But you guessed you understood.

"Yes ma'am. Let's." You said, pulling up a chair to sit across from the old woman and her granddaughter.

"Why did you invite us here?" The old woman asked with a haughty sniff.

"I won't beat around the bush here. Why are you marrying that idiot?" You said, turning your attention to Margaery.

Margaery's smile faltered slightly and the sparkle in her eyes dimmed slightly. You felt a swoop of pity for her.

"Family. Security." Margaery said, forcing her smile back into place.

"You poor girl. You're just being used to gain financial wealth." You tutted, anger surfacing as you turned your gaze to Olenna. "And you're just going to let this happen? Let your beautiful, intelligent granddaughter marry that... that monster?"

"I'm not sure you're qualified to call anyone a monster after what you are married to." Olenna said, her grip on her cane becoming tighter.

A laugh escaped you, "my husband may be many things but he is not a monster."

"No? What is he then? Do you know half the things he is accused of? Do we even want to know the things he does to you?"

"Yes. My husband is blood thirsty and ruthless, I will not try to deny it. He is wonderful to me. People cower at the name Bolton. Why? Because we take what is ours by force. We are not fucking pussies. We don't try to buy our wealth by marrying off our family members to someone who will destroy them. Now tell me, what do you gain by marrying Margaery to that little blonde shit?" You said, fighting to keep ylur voice even.

Olenna smirked, "my my. You are a fierce little thing. A true Bolton if there ever was one." She paused, heaving a sigh, "I do not like the idea anymore than Margaery, but we must do as we are told. I have no control over what my son does or does not do with the buisness. But if you think I will let my little rose marry that monster, you are much mistaken."

You leaned back in your chair, appraising the two women before you.

"When is the wedding?"

"March first." Margaery spoke up.

You stood, "and a beautiful bride you shall be. If the roses need assistance in anything just remember we bathe in the blood of our flayed enemies."

Both women nodded, standing and leaving without another word.

Once they were gone you turned to Tyene and Obella, "I want someone on both of them. I want to know what the old crone is up to. And find me Sansa Stark. And let me know as soon as Theon Greyjoy is spotted back in this wonderful city. Enjoy vacation." You said, pulling a wad of cash from your pocket and exchanging it for your keys on the counter.

×××

"So, are they going to do it before or after?" You asked, looking up at your husband from your seated position on the floor as he ran his hands over your shoulders.

"Don't know. We need more information on them." He said, rubbing light circles into your tired muscles as the doorbell rang.

You groaned in protest, pushing yourself up off the floor to answer the door.

Alyn, Damon, and Charlotte.

"(Y/n)." Damon nodded, stepping in as you stood back to let them pass.

"Um, I guess I'll go dress now. What am I wearing?" You said, closing the door and turning to your husband.

"Casual is fine for where we are going. But it will be hot, remember that." Ramsay said, running his eyes over you.

You nodded and crossed the room to the hallway.

You chose a simple grey dress that hugged you in all the right places.

You frowned, deciding there was no way you could wear strappy heels today. That left boots or flats of some sort. If only your husband wasn't acting like a douche and would tell you where the hell you were going.

You opted for gladiator sandals, as they matched better.

You heard the doorbell ring again, and fought a tiny, yet deadly internal battle with yourself about leaving Eli and his pals alone with Ramsay and his Boys, while you finished your makeup and hair. You said a small prayer of mercy for the young ones.

You had finished pinning your hair into place when Ramsay appeared in the doorway, cheeks a bit rosy, and a smirk on his face.

"You know, every time you have ever worn that dress at least one man has died."

You pursed your lips, turning to face him. "No killing tonight."

He held his hands up in mock surrender, "I don't make promises baby girl. Ready?"

You stepped into your husband, fixing his collar, and smoothing out his rolled sleeves.

"Is this going to be an all night thing?" You asked, unbuttoning one more button on his shirt, and sliding your ID in his breast pocket with his cigarettes and lighter.

"Depends on if the babies can hang." He shrugged, grabbing your ass and pulling you into him, kissing across your jaw.

"Let's go." You hissed, pushing him slightly.

He laced his fingers in yours and led you back into the living room.

Alyn had the room rolling in laughter when you entered. Eli rose from the sofa and hugged you. At least he was a happy drunk. Unfortunately also a lightweight.

"Sis, this is Wilson," he pointed to the man to his left, "and Kilpatrick." He pointed at the other man.

They both gave small waves. They too had to be no older than 22. So young, and yet so strange to see your brother so old. Not that being four years older than him made you that much older, but he would forever be 14 to you.

"Right boys, let's go fuck some shit up." Ramsay said, clapping his hands together and exchanging a wicked grin with Damon and Alyn.

"A strip club. Seriously?" You hissed as Ramsay helped you from the limo, "he's my baby brother."

Ramsay chuckled, "making up for the fact that I'm about to get hammered and probably fuck his sister for the whole world to see."

You opened your mouth, but found that embarrassment was blocking your airway.

Ramsay gave you a wink and led you inside.

It was loud, packed, and hot inside. People were having a hell of a time. It was weird to see a place like this so busy on a Thursday night.

"I don't want my brother with any of these woman." You protested, glancing at all the mostly naked women.

"They're all clean. Alyn makes sure they are tested regularly if that's what you're worried about." Ramsay said, tugging you along to an empty back corner table.

You sighed, glancing behind you to see your brother and his buddies already having drinks thrust at them, as well as tits.

Ramsay pulled you into his lap, running his fingers over the bare skin of your back.

Alyn brought over a tray of filled shot glasses and glanced around to find the rest of the party, stalking off to round them up.

Ramsay threw back two if the glasses, pulling you closer into him.

"I have a surprise for you, baby doll." He whispered, kissing along the back of your neck.

"Hm?" You asked, leaning further back into him.

"I can't tell you, or it won't be a surprise anymore." He murmured against your ear, grabbing your hips and pulling you closer still.

"I'll make you ruin these pants in you don't tell me." You countered, rubbing into him with your ass, as the rest of your group showed up.

Eli had a pretty brunette on his arm. She was dressed a bit more modestly. You weren't even sure she worked here.

"I'd make you run down your legs before you made me ruin my pants, baby girl." Ramsay chuckled, pushing his hips into you.

You would see about that.

Damon passed out the tray of shots, raising his own.

"Welcome to the city, boys!" He grinned, tipping his glass back.

You enjoyed the look of discomfort on Eli's face as the alcohol burned his throat.

They all put back multiple jello shots before finally getting pulled away from the table by women.

"Ah, ignorance is bliss. I give 'em an hour before it all hits 'em and I'm having to have them picked up off the ground." Alyn laughed, before leaving his seat.

Damon had led Charlotte over to a woman to dance with as he made off to find a drink.

"Now. What's my surprise?" You asked, turning around completely to face Ramsay, straddling him.

He ran his hand up your dress giving you that damn smirk to find you already wet.

"You'll just have to wait until Monday." He shrugged, running a finger over your wet folds.

"But Monday is so far from now, daddy. Can't I have just a tiny little hint?" You pouted, batting your lashes at him.

He shook his head, leaning forward to kiss you hungrily.

You kissed him back eagerly, grinding your hips against his to the music as your tongue explored his mouth.

His grip on your waist tightened as his other hand continued light movements against your folds.

You could feel your wetness escaping you. You were going to ruin this dress. But you would make your husband do the same. If you had to do the walk of shame, he was in it with you.

You took his bottom lip between your teeth, moaning as he finally slid his fingers inside you.

You arched your back, pushing into his hand, as he curled his fingers deep inside you, running his thumb across your sensitive spot.

You kissed along his jaw to his neck, worrying a rather sloppy hickey on him as you slid your hand down his pants and gripped him tightly, running your hand along him.

It was his turn to moan, as he canted his hips into you and aggressively put his lips on yours.

Your heart beat furiously in your chest and your body was warm and began to tingle. He wasn't going to stop. He was going to make you orgasm in this club, while your brother was around. It was an exciting thrill.

You leaned in to him, taking his ear between your teeth, "I want you, daddy. Fuck me please. I may die without feeling you. Make me scream."

You set the playing board. Who was going to lose first?

"Baby girl, you better slow down. We just got here. I haven't even taken you out to the floor to dance." He panted, pushing his hips into your hand as you gripped him tighter.

"What's my surprise?" You asked innocently.

Ramsay chuckled and kissed down your neck, to return the hickey you had given him.

You were quickly coming undone. And the bastard knew it as moved his fingers faster inside you, pushing and curling harder. He was breathing heavy against your ear that made you shiver and quake as the ache between your legs became over whelming. You had to have him inside you.

He always knew how to make you long for his cock instead of his hand. However he did it, he was a master at it. He could easily get you to cum with his hands and make it feel like heaven, but there was something he was capable of doing that sent desire washing over you, reminding you he could make you feel even better with his dick.

Maybe it wasn't what he did with his hands though, and how he canted his hips into you with you stroked his throbbing length. Gripping him as tight as you could, you could feel how hard he was, every throb, like it was begging to be inside you as you ran your thumb over the rather generous amount if precum collected at his tip.

"Fuck me, daddy." You panted, biting at his lip.

"If I fuck you now, I can't fuck you later." He panted back.

You ran your finger along the skin exposed under his shirt, wanting nothing more than to pull all the buttons free and run your nails over every taut muscle, every tattoo, every scar.

"Please?" You pouted.

Ramsay opened his mouth to speak, his most evil smirk in place when Alyn brought you crashing back to reality.

"Come on you two. You guys are worse than two horny teenagers in high school." Alyn chuckled, setting a cup down at the table.

Ramsay waved him away dismissively.

"Would if I could, Boss. But there's a man here wanting a word with you. Says it's important." Alyn said, crossing his arms and nodding across the room to an older gentleman you had never seen before.

Ramsay heaved an irritable sigh and nodded.

"I'll be over there in a minute."

Alyn nodded and left.

"Sorry baby." You said with a small pout and moan of protest as your husband pulled his fingers from you, and you removed your hand from his pants.

"Maybe it will be worth my while. If not, well, you're wearing the killing dress." He shrugged, sucking his fingers clean, sliding you from his lap, fixing himself in his pants, grabbing the cup of alcohol, and leaving you alone at the table.

You watched him cross the floor, tapping Charlotte on the shoulder and throwing his thumb back at you as he passed her and grabbing Damon by the elbow to go with him.

Charlotte came and sat beside you, "want a drink or something? They have water and soda."

"A carbonated drink of some sort would be fucking fantastic." You said, suddenly realizing how hot and thirsty you were.

Eli slid into the other seat beside you, a girl in his lap.

"Where's the husband?" He asked, smiling drunkenly at you.

You nodded across the room, watching Ramsay talk with his hands, Damon and the old man laughing.

"I like him. Seems like a good guy." Eli said, following your gaze.

Oh, if only he knew.

"He is very good to me. He makes me happy." You said, turning your gaze to your brother.

His face was flushed and he looked like he was having a good time; the girl in his lap toying with his hand.

"E, I want you to know that I'm sorry." You said, guilt filling you just as it had done at your parents when you were talking with your parents.

Eli shook his head, "No, (y/n). There's no need. I was hurt when you left. You hurt us all. But it wasn't until I left home that I understood. You would have drowned in that town. You were too good to be trapped at home. And when I saw you this morning, any anger I had at you just vanished. You're happy, and that makes me happy. You have a perfect little life."

You gave a feeble smile at your little brother as Charlotte set a cup down in front of you and resumed her seat.

"Thank you." You smiled at her.

"No problem sweetheart. Any idea who that man is?" She said, watching Damon and Ramsay.

"No idea." You shrugged, sipping your drink. "So how are you and Damon? We never really get to talk."

"Oh, we're good. Nothing overly exciting." She shrugged.

"Is he good to you?"

Charlotte nodded, "Oh yeah. Couldn't be better. Honest."

You weren't sure if she was lying or not, but she had stuck around longer than the last one. Maybe he did like her. She got up and left, as some woman asked her to dance. Maybe she enjoyed the company of women and that was why Damon kept her?

You turned back to Eli as his two friends came and sat at the table. They too were extremely flushed in the face and looked beyond trashed.

"So, how's the military life?" You asked, resting your elbow on the table.

"Shit." Kilpatrick said with a sage nod.

"It has its perks, but... almost not worth it." Eli shrugged.

"How long have you three been friends?" You asked, glancing between the three.

"Wilson and I have been battles since basic. We met Kilpatrick when we got stationed overseas." You brother said grinning at the two.

"Time to take them home." Ramsay said, resting his hand on your shoulder.

You glanced up at your husband, "everything okay?"

He gave a nod, "yep. But I'm ready to get home."

"Okay, baby." You said, standing.

"Y'all go on. We can call a cab. I'm a big boy now, sis. I don't need a babysitter anymore." Eli said, standing and giving you a tight hug. "Congratulations on the baby by the way."

"Thank you. I'm afraid for him or her, you being their uncle." You giggled, hugging him back. "You sure you boys will be okay?"

"Not our first rodeo." Wilson said, raising a glass at you.

You nodded, lacing your fingers in Ramsay's.

You didn't speak until you stepped out into the cold night air.

"What's wrong baby?" You asked, as the limo driver opened the door for you. "Who was that man?"

"Nothing is wrong. Have someone to find. That man, he is from the Iron Bank." Ramsay said sitting heavily beside you.

"Iron Bank?" You asked, furrowing your brows in question.

"Just like we all have the same code of honor, we deal with the same company to handle our money so it can't be tracked. The Bank is out of country and they see to us all. Big players like us, and smaller less organized families and groups. We pay them nicely to keep our millions safe and out of the eye of nosy people." Ramsay said, toying with the ring on your finger.

"So, what were they doing here?" You asked, staring out the window.

"When people don't pay them, things get ugly. They have their own group of assassin's to take out those who can't afford to pay back or double cross or whatever. But sometimes the people they need to put an end to aren't big enough to get their assassin's involved. So they come to a local family for help. I'm very good at what I do baby girl. So they've asked me to find said person and end him. He's gone into hiding, so I need to find him and bring him up to scratch."

"Who?" You asked, looking back at your husband.

"I'm not sure yet. The details will be sent to me shortly." He shrugged, lighting a cigarette.

"So, what's my surprise?" You prompted, hoping to catch him offguard into telling you.

"You'll find out Monday afternoon after your appointment." He smirked.

You rolled your eyes, crossed your arms, and let out a huffy sigh, falling back into the leather seat.

[kriskebob-blog]

Day 1, Part 1: Me vs. the grocery store

Hi again. It was really nice to hear from some of my friends and family in response to my post last night! I’m really excited to know that some people are down to read my long-ass posts about plants. I’ve also had several people offer me cookbook suggestions or even offer to have me plunder their own stash. Thanks for being my enablers, guys! (No seriously, thank you, I love you all sm.) Also, I can now reveal that my grandma texted me this morning to confirm she did indeed read my first post to its end. She’s the best!!!! This blog is rapidly evolving into a dual-purpose food/my grandma fan page and I can’t be sorry for it. 

So it’s Friday afternoon as I write this but the day I’ll be writing about is actually Wednesday. Can you tell it took me a little while to get going with the actual blogging part of this project? Anywho, I woke up Wednesday and after taking some time to wake up with a coffee, I flipped open my shiny new How Not to Die cookbook to the pages with the 2-week meal plan. I scanned the lists of recipes, already nervous. There were so many listed for every single day. I’m used to preparing dinner each night and eating leftovers for my lunches. For years my tried-and-true breakfast almost every single day has been two hard-boiled eggs and a piece of toast. So I’m really only used to having to prepare a fully involved meal once a day. You wanted to do this, I reminded myself. You have the summer off. You have the time! Trying to calm my nerves, I opened up the notes app on my laptop and began typing the names of the suggested recipes. There are no page numbers referenced on the meal plan pages, which would have made things a lot easier, just sayin’, Dr. Greger! I found the recipes and opened the grocery list Google Doc I’ve shared with my husband since we moved in together. I started typing up a shopping list. 

This was more than 48 hours ago at this point, but luckily I did stop to write down some initial thoughts. I shall share them with you now, verbatim: 

How the f@#! am I going to buy everything we need for all this? How will it fit in my fridge? Will I spend literally all day prepping all of this? Am I even going to be able to find everything I need for these recipes? 

...

16 recipes compared to my normal 4, MAYBE 5. Eating this way is obviously the vanity project of the wealthy wtf

...

It’s only two weeks. I can spend 2374623645 dollars on food for just half a month right? right?? It’s normal to spend money on hobbies? Gah

...

What the hell is date sugar?

...

I am definitely using vanilla extract instead of buying a giant vanilla bean Fresh turmeric? Where would even sell that? Ground sounds just fine to me

I noted that I began this process at 8:55. At 9:21 I wrote:

I give up… because I can already tell I’m going to be buying WAY too much produce to fit into my crisper drawer. The original plan had been to stock up enough stuff to carry me through until Monday but I can see now that’s just not going to be realistic at all. I’ll stock up on enough stuff to get me through to Friday night. I don’t want to grocery shop on the weekend if I can help it. I’ll just go again on Friday. Then I’ll probably have to go again on Monday, maybe Tuesday if I’m lucky. That’ll be three grocery store stock-ups in one week. I wanted a hobby, didn’t I?? Time to go back and redo my list to only reflect recipes for the next three days then.

I put a break in my recipes list. Alright. That brings me from 16 recipes to 8. Feels much more manageable. I look at the huge list of ingredients I amassed on my Google doc and decide it’d be easier to just delete it and restart from scratch than go through and try to remember what I now do and don’t need. 9:30.

9:45 - done. Still a LONG list. This is only for 2 days plus a dinner. But to be fair I did include stuff for a couple of desserts.

I’m a tad concerned by how none of these recipes call for ANY salt.

I was more than a tad concerned, actually. But I had my mission lined out. It was time to head to Big Y. 

Of the common local grocery store chains in Connecticut, Big Y is probably the nicest one. My husband and I used to frequent Stop & Shop but we stopped because the produce kind of sucked and anyhow the set-up of Big Y is a lot more appealing. I drove on over to the Ellington Big Y, hopeful that I’d be able to find the majority of the items I needed, but also aware that I’d probably end up at Whole Foods later that day. 

I’d been so focused on getting together my massive shopping list and hustling out to the store that I hadn’t attended to my basic personal needs with as much care as usual. I realized two things almost immediately as I crossed the parking lot: I kinda had to pee, and I was also sort of thirsty/hungry. Should I get a lemonade or something from the cafe? I wondered briefly then decided against it. I’d be fine til I got home, surely. 

Needless to say, I spent a lot of time in the produce section. I bagged up two heads of lettuce and an even bigger head of red kale. I bought the biggest container of baby spinach they had and then also the biggest bag of regular spinach. Cilantro and parsley. Scallions. And that was just from the greens section! I was already tired by the time I got to the natural foods section, and I had only shopped for stuff whose location I already knew. 

I spent some time figuring out which seeds/nuts I needed that Big Y sold by the weight. It’s a really convenient and cool system, except the stupid sticker-printing machine is sort of finicky. I must have spent a solid ten minutes before I had the correct amount of almonds, cashews, pumpkin seeds, etc. Okay. Now I needed to look for some stuff that I genuinely had no idea where exactly it might be. I knew they likely were somewhere in this natural foods section, I just didn’t know where. Stuff like hemp hearts and nutritional yeast (sounded gross but it was called for in quite a few recipes). I found them eventually. Cool. Now I needed canned tomatoes and beans, but Dr. Gregor really wanted me to be sure I bought cans without a BPA liner. Seriously? Was that really going to be the thing that would make or break if I lived to see 100? But I didn’t want to half-ass the Dr. Gregor lifestyle. It was only for two weeks, after all. After way too much time studying the shelves of tomatoes and beans, I ended up with two cans of diced tomato that cost twice as much as the brand I normally purchased... and the same exact generic brand of beans I normally went for, because none of the beans at Big Y seemed to be BPA free. Whatever. I was hungrier and grumpier by the minute. I wanted to stuff something into my mouth full of sugar and gluten and whatever other chemicals were out to kill me, stat. Almost done. Just had to find frozen okra (vegan gumbo, y’all! Stay tuned), and also miso. I wasn’t too worried about the miso. Big Y has a decent Asian foods aisle... one that I paced up and down at least four times before accepting that they didn’t seem to have miso. They also didn’t have date sugar, a key ingredient to a no-bake brownies recipe I wanted to try. I have a major sweet tooth (can you tell?) and the idea of two weeks without chocolate bars or ice cream was something I refused to entertain without some sort of chocolate dessert option. Okay. No miso, no date sugar. I also hadn’t been able to find “whole wheat tortillas - no salt added” anywhere in the store. So, I’d be going to Whole Foods. I had figured as much. 

I checked out with a whopper of a bill and tried not to die too much inside at the fact that this was only two and a half day’s worth of groceries. After all, I had needed to stock up on several crunchy hippie type pantry items I hadn’t already owned. Thank god I already had a pretty sizable spice collection or my bill would have been even higher. I tried not to think of how this wasn’t even everything on my list. Not only did I still need to go to Whole Foods, but I needed to go to the farm stand. 

Shout-out to Johnny Appleseed’s Farm in Ellington. Sam and I love them, and they love us back! Okay, they love Sam back because he told them once that he had gone onto Google and fixed an incorrect listing stating they were permanently closed. They really love Sam for that. They have no idea who I am unless I walk in with him. But that’s okay. Every late July through October, Sam and I buy as much of our produce as possible from Johnny Appleseed’s. I stopped over there to load up on tomatoes, onions, peppers, carrots, and an ungodly amount of zucchini. The woman ringing me out seemed amused. “Lots of squash,” she commented. “What’re you cooking?” I stared at her, trying to remember. The recipe planning I’d done only a couple hours ago already seemed such a blur. “Zoodles,” I managed finally. “You know, like when you try to pretend you’re eating pasta but it’s actually vegetables?” She chuckled and nodded. “You make your own sauce from scratch too?” “Usually,” I told her, feeling a sudden pang of longing for a nice meaty bolognese. Wow, I really wasn’t going to be cut out for this meatless life for long. I told her goodbye and got into my car. It was sweltering outside and 10x worse inside my black interior car. I now definitely needed to pee and I was starving. Home couldn’t come fast enough. 

Of course, before I could eat my lunch I had to go through the battle of trying to fit all of this produce into my refrigerator. Even with the clearing out of the usual cartons of eggs and older produce that I’d tossed earlier that morning, it was definitely a game of Tetris trying to fit all of the extremely perishable items I’d just purchased into my fridge. I didn’t even entertain the thought of trying to fit all the vegetables in the crisper. Just to fit them in the fridge itself was an accomplishment. Thank god I hadn’t been quite stupid enough to try to buy enough groceries to last us through Monday. Dear lord, I was really going to have to go back in two days and do this again? You chose this, you chose this I sang to myself repeatedly in my head as I grabbed the container of my last non-vegan meal for two weeks: zucchini turkey meatballs, romano cheese, and marinara sauce over spaghetti. It was damned good. This is still healthy, isn’t it? Do I definitely have to give up cheese, Dr. Gregor? 

Now came the time for my final real dessert of the next two weeks. Something I end up binging on far too often when Sam leaves me at home unsupervised for too long: Aurora honey nut granola with chocolate chips mixed in. It’s so good!!! And I definitely went especially overboard that day knowing it was my last sugar binge for awhile. 

Alright. It was time to head to Whole Foods. The closest one to me is in Glastonbury and a solid 25 minute drive away. The air felt heavy and oppressive as I headed out into the heat. Ominous dark clouds hung low in the sky. I could feel the nasty air pressure in the depths of my sinuses. Blah. Almost done, I told myself. The parking lot at Whole Foods was mobbed. Why are so many people out on a random Wednesday afternoon, I grumped to myself as I narrowly avoided running over a perfectly nice young family (sorry, strangers!!) and found myself a spot. I walked inside and immediately started rubbing my arms up and down. It was freezing. One thing I love about Big Y is that they keep a lot of their refrigerated items behind doors. I forget how cold other grocery stores are. 

I don’t go to Whole Foods very often. I knew where the ethnic condiments were but had no clue where I might find “whole wheat tortillas, no salt added.” I wandered the entire length of the store twice over and finally found a small selection. They really didn’t have much to offer in the way of wraps. Too many carbs for the Whole Foods shopping crowd, I guess? I settled for normal whole wheat tortillas that did indeed have salt as an ingredient. What do you want me to do, Dr. Gregor? I’m only one person. I at least then found the date sugar no problem. Okay. Cool. Only the miso left. 

I wandered into the Asian condiments aisle... and essentially repeated the same pacing act I’d done at Big Y, except I went back and forth even more times because I had a hard time processing that Whole Foods wouldn’t have what I needed. I mean, they’ve got some weird stuff there! They have like 5 different brands of ghee! Miso sounded like such a basic Asian condiment to me. We’ve all heard of miso soup, no? But it was nowhere to be found. Ugh. Fine. I’ll go to the Asian market in East Hartford. It’s not that far from here anyways, I tried to reassure myself. I could feel a sugar crash hitting my bloodstream. I wanted a juicebox and a nap. 

I checked out and made my way to Je Mart. I wandered up and down their aisles and couldn’t seem to find miso there either. It finally occurred to me that I was obviously missing something here. Like I really should have done at Big Y in the first place, I pulled out my phone and Googled “Where do I buy miso in the store?” Within 5 seconds I realized I’d been looking in the wrong spots of the stores the entire time. Miso isn’t a bottled or jarred condiment like Sriracha or curry paste. It’s actually sold in plastic tubs in the refrigerated section. Look near the tofu, the infinite wisdom of the Internet advised. I turned around and what do you know, literally right behind me was the refrigerated section with the tofu. And within five seconds I spotted it: a tub of miso!!! I grabbed at it ecstatically and scanned the label. Was this the white miso that Dr. Gregor had specifically demanded? It didn’t specify, but it looked pale enough for me. And it was only $5 for a pretty decent sized tub. I handed my money gleefully to the cashier and went on my way. Finally. 

I got home and put away my new purchases. It was about 2:20pm and I was beyond exhausted. I really shouldn’t have eaten that much granola, I thought morosely as I flopped onto the couch. I wanted to rewatch Forks Over Knives (it’s on Netflix!). If I started now it would end right around 4, a good time to start trying to actually prepare some of the meals I’d worked so hard all the day just to shop for. 

I’m not saying that I napped for the entire documentary because I definitely didn’t. I remember some parts of it. But can I guarantee I didn’t nap at all? No, no I cannot. 

This was another long post, so obviously I’m going to need to give us all a break and stop here before going on to Part 2, in which I’ll finally talk about cooking and eating these recipes. These first couple of posts have really just been a lot of exposition, I promise I’m going to get to the meat of the plot soon! (pun intended) 

For now, here’s a picture of the miso I drove all over the state searching for before finally acquiring for the very reasonable price of $5 (fyi - Big Y does have miso but it’s red miso and it’s $7 so I guess all’s well that ends well): 

[beneathtreemomo]

*Tackle hugs* WHAT UP, Im here for the marine life asks-Orca, Narwhal, Seahorse! (the names are so cute hdbdj SEAHORSES ARE CUTE)

YAY HIAs there is no attached OC I’m gonna guess these are for me ;) and right!? Ocean Creature names are the cutest-- THERE’S A CREATURE CALLED A CUDDLEFISH AND IT’S SO CUTE

ORCA: Are you an easy-to-scare person? what scares you the most?          I am, in fact, incredibly easy to scare, depending on how you define scare. My dad and my best friend have both full on made me jump five feet in the air with a real, guttural scream but only twice total, my dad startles me constantly because even though he’s a heavy dude you can’t hear his footsteps, and I have been creeped out by my Halloween decorations on more than one occasion due to when I’d have to wake up for school (we have some creepy decorations, ok? I’ll show pics some time xD)          What scares me the most? Mmm probably the feeling of eyes on my back and whatever lurks in the dark. I love the dark and whatever’s inside it a lot but I need to have as many lights on as possible if I’m by myself and hate being outside at 3am when CiCi decides “yeah, this is the optimal time to pee” because it just doesn’t feel safe, y’know? It’s creepy. Ironically even when I was literally scared of the dark as a kid and needed a nightlight, I could handle passing dark rooms. Now I have to run past the openings as quick as possible, but don’t mind sleeping in the dark xD

Narwhal: what is your favorite literary genre? why?          Fantasy, hands down!          I just adore the worlds that get created and supernatural, not-horror-related, stories are my absolute bread and butter! It just makes stories fun and interesting-- especially detective stories because you don’t know if it was a vampire’s doing or some serial killer trying to frame vampires and it’s just. It’s nice. Plus, sometimes you get free reign over a lot more than you would a real life/modern setting.          There’s probably a lot more I could say, but it’s actually really hard for me to find the words? There’s just something about a fantasy story, be it magic, soulmates, supernatural, or a completely new world entirely that I really enjoy seeing in my head and reading along with.           Funnily enough, I am not that huge a fan of the “classics” (I say classics because they seem to be the top fantasy authors people think of nowadays) like Tolkien and JKR’s works. Movies? Sure, I’ll watch ‘em. Books? Tried them, didn’t like them. Rick Riordan on the other hand? LOVE THE BOOKS SO MUCH and I’m sad I don’t have more of them.

(this last bit is pretty long, so it’s going under “keep reading”)

Seahorse: which is your favorite memory ever?           Aw man, this one’s hard. I have a lot of good memories, and my favorite memory tends to switch depending on which memories come to mind at the time. And I know there’s a really special one hidden somewhere in my brain that trumps all of them, because I remember thinking at the time that it was the best moment of my life, but I’m almost constantly unable to recall what it was.          So instead, off the top of my head, my favorite memory might be when my dad, our dog CoCo, and I went on one of our first summer road trips. I was either 8 or 9 at the time (actually, probably a bit older because my dad finally decided to take my door off the jeep as well, so I was probably closer to 11/12), and we were on the way to Yellowstone. We stopped at plenty of cool places along the way; Mount Rushmore, Crazy Horse Memorial (at the time it was practically just his head), that one place with all the Red Rocks in Utah, this little shop run by native americans who had GORGEOUS wares-- I got some hair clippies and a bookmark, and we talked with them for about an hour, at least! I think dad got something too but I can’t remember what.          Anyway, while most of the places we went to allowed pets, there were some places that didn’t-- like restaurants. What we’d do in these scenarios is park as close as we could to the place, and then ask for a window seat where Dad could keep an eye on the car and CoCo.          Something you should know about CoCo: She was a pretty laid back dachshund who adored car rides and sun bathing about 3000x more than she enjoyed food. She didn’t mind us leaving the car, didn’t try to follow us (though she did always try to keep us in sight for as long as possible), and the second we left she’d claim one of our seats for herself and just relax.           BUT she’d also protect the car, which, in the summer, was basically just the skeleton (or in its swimsuit, I suppose): no doors and no roof except a bikini top.            So we’re sitting in the restaurant, right? Waiting for our food, the car directly across from us next to the sidewalk (we’re also pretty close to the door). CoCo’s lazing in my seat, the picture of perfect, sunbathing bliss with a huge grin on her face. And she’s a small dog, so you wouldn’t really expect her to be scary in anyway-- maybe she’d even look old to you at the time, because Dapples were rare at the time, some of her light brown was already turning grey, and she had mange that refused to go away so she had some bald spots.           And there’s this teen boy and either his parents or a friend (I don’t remember which) walking by; and for whatever reason, this kid had either forgotten or never been taught the number one rule: Do Not Touch the dog unless the owner says it’s ok.          We can see it in his eyes/body language as they’re getting closer to the car. Dad and I are both quietly betting on what’s going to happen (I swear we were like Golf Commentators/Announcers) and also getting ready to run out if needed. Even CoCo can see what this dude is thinking, which is “I want to pet the dog”          He slows down as he gets to the car, doesn’t even look around to see if the owners are nearby, and CoCo’s followed him with her eyes since these guys got close enough, but hasn’t actually moved. She’s still lounging on the seat, panting and content, looking for all the world like she’s totally okay with all of this.          He reaches out to pet her when BAM! CoCo leaps to her feet, barking up a storm and startling the guy so much he almost trips; Dad and I burst into laughter. The dude’s friend/parents say something to him I think, maybe an “I told you so”, idk, and he’s walking away trying to act all casual. CoCo finishes barking once they’re a slab of sidewalk or two away from the jeep, wags her tail happily, and then just flops back down like none of the interaction happened.          Looking back on it I kinda feel a little bad for the dude (i think he was pretty embarrassed) but it was one of the most hilarious things to ever happen to me, so it’s definitely a fav.           A very close second is when we woke up freezing in our tent because CoCo literally stole all the blankets/sheets and made herself the eye of a blanket hurricane, and another situation tied for very close second happened a few months after this trip: CoCo apparently didn’t think we were coming to the door fast enough so she howled to get our attention even though I was right there. Literally howled. The Yellowstone wolves must’ve taught her that! The entire house froze when she did it, too xD (Mom and dad, from different places in the house after a minute of pure silence: “What the heck was that?!”)           CoCo had never looked more proud.

[we-hear-her]

Angela’s Story

**Disclaimer: This post discusses miscarraige in great detail. Those who are sensitive to this subject are advised!

“When bad things happen, it feels a lot like watching a wildfire sweep through a beautiful landscape. At first all I could see was destruction. The life we had worked so hard to build was being demolished before my eyes could process what was happening. How could this happen to me? But then something changed. I started to see the beauty in that wildfire – I started seeing the potential. Fire invigorates and nourishes the land. Likewise, the tragedy of losing a child has proved that I am stronger than I ever imagined. I emerged from the flames with a new perspective on my life.” -Angela

When I first met Angela we were at a climbing gym in Philadelphia. I could tell instantly that she was a good and kind person. At the time Angela was working a 9-5 job and had just started dating her now husband. A couple weeks ago, I noticed Angela had posted a very personal story on her Facebook page and when I saw what she wrote, I knew her story needed to be shared.

Not long after I met them, Angela and her husband eventually got sick of the city life, sitting in traffic and working 60+ hrs a week to make a paycheck. They had a dream about traveling in a van and made that happen. They got married and eventually started thinking about starting a family.

         “When my husband and I found out we were pregnant, we were thrilled, nervous, excited and a little surprised (we only actually “tried” once!).”

       As they live in a van, they thought they would have more time before welcoming a little one into the world, time they would use to find a place to settle down. They realized they were against the clock so they started bee-lining across the states to find a place to call home for their growing family.

      At 8 weeks pregnant, Angela and her husband were in Bend, Oregon. They had hoped to find a home in Bend but to no avail. They decided before they left Bend they would head to the clinic that offered free, first trimester ultrasounds since they did not have health insurance yet. Everyone, including the doctors and staff at the clinic were thrilled for them.

       “We went back for the Ultrasound and got the news: the baby was surely in there, but was only measuring at 6 weeks and 2 days gestational age. At this point I knew something was very wrong. My body runs like clockwork, and I am meticulous about keeping track of my cycle – down to when I ovulate and when we have sex. I knew the baby should be bigger. They told us that the heart rate was very slow at only 69 BPM.”

       The doctors at the clinic urged them to go to urgent care as the mood quickly changed from excitement to dread. Angela’s would not carry to term. At urgent care, the doctors explained that they had the choice to medically terminate or that her body would naturally miscarry. Little did they know what that would really mean emotionally and physically. Since they had no insurance and the procedure was very costly, they chose to let nature take its course and move on.

       They decided to continue on their 13 hour tearful journey to their next destination, Jackson, Wyoming. They spent days grieving, communicating with each other, and doing as much research on the subject as they could. The internet provided little information and as Angela lost the symptoms she felt being pregnant, she thought things were resolving themselves and that it would happen sooner rather than later. But 2 weeks went by, and they questioned whether the doctors read the ultrasound incorrectly.

**Angela describes the symptoms of her miscarriage in great detail at this point. Please move to the end if this is a sensitive topic for you.**

       “Eventually I started cramping and passed some clots (this is where it starts to get really graphic). The cramps came and went with some light spotting. A few days later I started bleeding like a normal period, with accompanying cramps like a normal period. This continued for a full day before it got real. I thought that might be all it was, considering that the baby was only the size of a pea. Maybe it would be like a heavy period.

          We went to bed around midnight after having dinner with some friends. My cramping had gotten a bit worse, but I was prepared for that. I woke up 2 hours later feeling sick to my stomach, shaky and in tremendous pain. Joe got up to take the dogs out, and when he came back in I fainted in the bed. When I came around, I thought I was going to vomit and I was beginning to bleed heavily. We went to the ER, got checked in, and I began vomiting, and passing large blood clots in between contractions. They drew blood, gave me an IV of fluid and gave me some pain meds (which did nothing for the type of pain I was experiencing). I must commend the doctor and nurses who took care of me for being so gentle and compassionate. They shared their own stories of miscarriage and did their best to make me comfortable. I am grateful for the care they provided.

We left the hospital at around 5:30am and checked into a hotel because I was still having contractions that lasted for about 1 minute and were about 3-5 minutes apart. By the time we got inside the hotel room the contractions had gotten much more intense. I needed help getting to and from the bathroom from bed. When I sat on the toilet, it sounded like I was peeing, but I wasn’t. There was blood pouring out of me, followed by a golf ball sized blood clot. This happened for another 8 hours – during which I was also evacuating in every other way. We almost went back to the ER because of the amount of blood I was passing.

I had pretty constant extreme cramping for the following 2 hours before we got a 20 minute break when we could finally fall asleep. I woke up in a pool of blood writhing in pain. I passed more clots, and finally sometime in the afternoon I passed a few more and the cramping finally eased. It came and went for the next few hours until it finally subsided. At some point during this 14 hours of misery, I had to send Joe to the store to get diapers because I just couldn’t sit on the toilet anymore, and a diaper was the only way I would be able to lay down without ruining all of my clothes. Eventually, the bleeding diminished to that of a normal period, and I could eat some Ritz crackers and ice cream.

Why don’t we talk about this, ladies? Personally, I wish I had known what could happen. If it ended up just being like a heavy menstrual cycle I would have considered myself lucky, and still clueless to the pain of other women. The physical experience blindsided me. I felt very alone (despite my extremely supportive husband, who didn’t leave my side). I didn’t feel the sisterhood backing me up. I didn’t know if I could withstand any more. At one point I was begging God to please make it stop (that’s when I got my 20 minute nap)."

There was a point during this ordeal when I wasn’t sure if I was going to ever want to try to get pregnant again. I don’t think all miscarriages are as physically traumatic as mine felt.  Reading about it on the Internet makes it sound like a lot of women basically get a heavy period and move on, go to work the next day like nothing happened. Is there a secret macho ladies club that I don’t know about? Did I get sandbagged? Am I just a huge wimp?”

I definitely don't think you are a wimp! I can't imagine going through what you have described. I think everyone’s body reacts differently. And you're totally right, why aren't we sharing this with each other? Why aren't we creating a circle of openness and understanding?

       In light of everything going on with women’s health and access to safe medical procedures, what are your thoughts having being touched by this experience?

“I believe that all women have a right to reproductive health care - in my case any affordable health care would have been a game changer - I ended up with $5,000 in medical bills from the emergency room visit. Women’s health is so widely debated by politicians these days, who have no right to be part of that conversation, and shouldn’t decide the fate of our bodies.”

“We deserve better.”

        What keeps you moving every day? What coping techniques have you used, if any, to help aid in your recovery mentally, emotionally and physically?

      “My husband has been really great at motivating me to keep going. Also being in the mountains, in a peaceful and beautiful place helps. Patience with myself has been key to physically recovering - not pushing myself too hard, and allowing myself to rest when I need it. Mentally and emotionally I have been trying to let myself feel the emotions and thoughts about my loss, and then let them go or turn it into a positive. I also keep reminding myself that I carry my baby with me in my heart always, and that is comforting.”

       So what now? What are you guys up to?

      "I am actually bar tending at a small steak house in Wyoming. My husband and I are living the simple life, taking things one day at a time, enjoying every moment. We get to wake up every day and climb, hike, bike, fish and play with our pups!"

      Do you guys have some goals for the future? Have you changed your plans after your ordeal?

      "Our goals for the near future include buying a house, having a baby, and settling into small town life with some chickens and goats in the mountains."

     That sounds amazing, so one last thing. Do you have any advice for other mothers who have miscarried and lost their babies?

“Don’t suffer alone. Lean on the people around you. Find gratitude in the things you gain and the things you learn from your loss - there is always something positive that you can hold on to, even in the darkest times. I just hope that maybe reading my story would help another woman prepare herself. I read so many stories during the two weeks that I waited to miscarry. Not one gave me a sense of the physical pain I would endure.”

A HUGE thank you again to Angela for sharing this incredibly personal story with us!

[jedeviens]

Today’s grocery haul!

So I didn’t plan to do any grocery shopping today, so I didn’t have a list, and didn’t get a huge amount.  But every Tuesday afternoon I go to the hospital in Newtown to volunteer in the psych ward for a couple hours, and on the way I home I call into the Countdown there, because we don’t have one in the city (apart from the Countdown Metro, but that’s a bit shit) - I always like to see what I can find there since they often have some stuff that the New Worlds don’t.

Got the usual cream and almond milk staples - I’m a bit miffed because I swear they used to sell 1L bottles of cream, which I feel would be a lot more economical but it’s whatever.

Avocado, because I want to start incorporating more “healthy”, vegetable-based fats.  Because - TMI - have been a wee bit constipated over the past couple of days, so I’m thinking a bit more of the green stuff will help.

Pic’s peanut butter, the best peanut butter!

Pumpkin purée - this is very exciting because you can’t get this in New Zealand, I found this in the international foods aisle, in the American section.  Cost me fucking $6, but it’s cool for when I want to make pumpkin-based sweet things, because buying a chunk of pumpkin and having to peel and de-seed it and cut it up into chunks and steam it and mash it is honestly just so exhausting sometimes and I’m really fucking lazy.  So that’s an exciting thing to have in my pantry.

Ketone urine test strips, happy to find these at a pretty reasonable price, am going to start testing my urine from tomorrow morning.

And, last, but by far not least... SUGAR-FREE PEACH ICED TEA!!!  I can’t even begin to describe how excited I was to find this.  You see, I take quite a bit of medication at night - three different prescription meds, and three different supplements.  Ends up being 9 pills total.  And I have this weird thing where I absolutely CANNOT take pills with water.  It’s a long story with rather tragic details so I won’t go into it, but the point is that this is a hard no, taking pills with water makes me want to throw up.  So I’ve always taken my pills with fruit juice.  Of course, fruit juice is a huge no-no on keto, and I’ve been desperately searching for low-sugar fruit juices, or sugar-free cordial syrups, to no avail - they just all have too many carbs.  Instead, I’ve been taking my pills with almond milk, which is fucking gross because unsweetened almond milk does not taste good on its own, and the mild taste somehow translates in my mind to “water-like” so I’ve had a lot of trouble getting my pills down and have been dreading it every night.  SO, imagine my absolute delight when I found this - I already love peach iced tea, and this shit has 0.3g net carbs in a whole 250mL serving!!!!  Which, like, I wouldn’t even drink a whole glass’ worth to take my meds, probably only half.  I can’t even begin to describe how excited I am by this!!

Only thing I didn’t get, which I’m disappointed about, is sugar-free ice cream.  They don’t have it in New World but I was told Countdown does sell it.  But I forgot about it, because by the time I got to the freezer section, my basket had several kilos of cat food in it as well as all of the above items, and I also really needed to pee lmao.  So, next time!  There’s no fucking room in my freezer anyway hahahaha.

So, that was my modest but still exciting grocery shop for today.  I had one of those fatty milkshakes for breakfast/lunch today since I only woke up at like 12, and I had to be in Newtown by 2.  It’s now 5pm, I shall feed Captain Butthead soon and then figure out what the fuck I’m going to have for dinner.

[acoyotesmate]

Stalia + stiles's birthday

Stiles woke up to the sound of his alarm blaring to his left. He groaned as he reached blindly for his phone to shut it off.

It’s Saturday. Why is my alarm going off?

“Malia, did you set my alarm?” He mumbled as he managed to turn it off without opening his eyes.

He was met with silence.

He opened his right eye, then lifted his head when he didn't see her but a note on her pillow addressed to him. He quickly grabbed it and read it.

Stiles, shower and get dressed. Be ready by 9. - Malia

It was then that Stiles remembered it was his birthday.

He smiled sleepily as he thought about how Malia had obviously planned something special for him. He grabbed his phone to check his notifications then went to shower and get ready as commanded.

-

Stiles was a little put off to find Isaac sitting on the couch, watching TV and eating the last can of Loaded Baked Potato Pringles.

“What are you doing here?” Stiles asked as he passed by on his way to the bedroom.

“Here to whisk you away!” Isaac called after him.

“Sounds romantic.” Stiles said.

“What can I say, I know how to woo a guy,” Isaac answered, followed by the distinct crunch of a chip.

Stiles fixed his almost too long hair then grabbed his wallet, phone and keys before he went back to the living room.

“Where are we off to?” Stiles asked.

Isaac turned off the TV and slowly stood up to stretch.  “Not supposed to say. Also, there’s a surprise for you in the kitchen.”

Stiles went to the kitchen and found his favorite order from Starbucks sitting on the counter next to a neatly wrapped present. He went straight for his white mocha frappuccino then studied the gift as he sipped on his coffee. To his surprise, it was from Isaac who had never so much as given him a birthday card before.

He set down his coffee and quickly unwrapped the box to discover a dark blue bandana folded into a triangle with Stillinski stitched along the right side.

I don’t know how to react to this. I mean, it's the first thing he’s ever bought me, but…

Isaac walked in and leaned against the doorway.  “Do you like it?”

“Yeah.” Stiles forced a smile. “Thanks Isaac.”

“Why don’t you put it on?” Isaac suggested.

Damn it.

“Y-yeah, uh, sure.”

“Let me help,” isaac said, taking the bandana from Stiles.

God, I have to go out in public wearing this.

“There we go,” Isaac said as he finished tying the bandanna.

Stiles turned to grab his coffee and breakfast sandwich so they could get going.

“I like the way it looks on you,” Isaac said with an odd smile on his face.

Stiles smiled, feeling awkward.

“We better get going,” Isaac said, suddenly cheerful.

What the hell?

-

Isaac pulled up to the theater where Scott worked and told Stiles to go up the door and knock three times. Stiles got out of the car, hoping no one saw him in the bandanna Isaac had given him as he walked up to the entrance.

He knocked on the door as instructed and only had to wait a minute for his best friend to appear and for Isaac to drive off.

“Happy Birthday!” Scott said cheerfully as he locked the door behind Stiles.

“Thanks man,” Stiles said smiling.

Scott quirked his eyebrow when he noticed the bandanna around Stiles’ neck. “Why are you wearing that?”

“Its a gift from Isaac,” Stiles said.

He saw Scott bite his lip as if he was trying to keep from laughing.

“He was with me when I opened it. I couldn't just not wear it!” Stiles said defensively.

Scott just shook his head and changed the subject. “So, you know how you’ve always want me to watch Star Wars?”

Stiles lit up, embarrassment over the bandanna forgotten. “Yeah?”

“I have A New Hope ready to watch in theater 10.”

Stiles gasped. “Not only do I get to share your first Star Wars experience with you but we get the  theater with the beds?”

Scott nodded. “Only the best for my best friend. You can even have whatever you want from the snack counter.”

Stiles sniffled and pretended he was crying. “This is the best day of my life.”

Scott laughed as Stiles launched himself into his arms to give him a hug.  

-

Stiles was still staring at the bear Scott had handed him while he waited for Erica and Lydia to finish picking out his clothes for dinner that they were apparently having at some nice restuarant.

“Stiles, you need to try these on,” Erica said. “And take off that thing around your neck.”

Stiles tied the bandanna around the bear and handed it to Lydia.

After half an hour of them throwing clothes at him , sending him to the dressing room and passing final judgements on him, they finally found him what they deemed to be the perfect outfit. His perfect outfit consisted of a black dress shirt, grey suspenders,  a grey bow tie, black jeans and sleek black dress shoes.

Erica dragged him to the arcade while Lydia went to get something.

They played guitar hero, Erica winning almost every time, until Lydia reappeared with a present for Stiles.

Please don’t be another weird present.

He opened it and suppressed a frown when he saw it was a brush.  

“Thanks Lydia,” He said. “Been meaning to get a new one.”

Lydia and Erica exchanged a look and he didn’t like the knowing smiles they shared.

“Ready to be handed off to Allison and Boyd?” Erica asked.

“You make it sound like I’m a kid you’re dumping off on someone else,” Stiles griped.

“Well if the tattered converse fits,” Lydia said.

Stiles took his bear from her defiantly and started leading the way out of the mall muttering,”When do I get to see Malia? At least she’s nice to me.”

The girls laughed at his petulance, but he really did hope he would get to see Malia soon. As nice as the day she planned had been, it didn’t feel right to go so long without seeing her.

-

His time with Allison and Boyd driving go karts flew by, and after yet another strange gift, a tiny soccer ball, it was finally time for him get dressed for dinner. He almost whined when he learned he wasn’t allowed to go home until after dinner, but stifled it just in time.

They ended up at Dave & Busters, and Stiles wondered why they made him dress nice, especially since they were dressed casually.  He felt a little better when he spotted Malia.

She was leaning on her car wearing red dress and black flats, waiting for them and he almost dropped his presents as he practically ran towards her.

She kissed him chastely before telling him to put his presents in the car.

“How was your day so far?” Malia asked when he was ready to go inside.

“It was amazing,” He admitted as he took her hand in his,”but it was missing something.”

“Oh? What was that?” She asked, looking a bit worried.

“You,” Stiles said with what probably would qualify as a cheesy grin.

Malia smiled, worry draining from her features. “Well I’ve been busy all day.”

“Doing what?” he asked curiously.

“You’ll see later,” She promised.

“Can’t wait.”

-

After dinner, Malia took Stiles to the diner where they’d had their first date. She ordered them milkshakes, strawberry banana for herself and a chocolate one for Stiles as well as a two slices of cherry pie.

“So, when do I get to see your surprise?” Stiles asked.

“As soon as we get home,” Malia said. “What did everyone else get you?”

“Stuff I didn’t expect, that’s for sure.”

Stiles told her about all of his gifts and how he didn’t understand why their friends would choose to give them to him. He saw her smile like she knew something he didn’t as she adjusted his bowtie.

“I’ve been meaning to ask, why are we dressed up?” Stiles asked.

“Well, I needed you away from the apartment today, so I told Erica and Lydia to keep you busy. I didn’t know they were making you dress up until they texted me.” Malia explained. “And then I figured I should probably dress nice too so you weren’t the only one overdressed for Dave & Buster’s.”

Stiles laughed. “And here I was thinking you’d planned for us to go somewhere swanky.”

“No, I didn’t think you’d want that.”

No, I really wouldn’t.

Stiles kissed her cheek and stole the bite of pie she was about to put in her mouth.

“Hey!” Malia protested.

Stiles winked at her, smirking the best he could while trying to eat.

Malia laughed mussed up his hair.

They spent the rest of their time at the diner feeding each other pie and talking about whatever came to mind.

-

As Stiles was about to turn the doorknob to their apartment, Malia stopped him. He looked at her curiously and saw she was holding out a present to him.

Hopefully this is something normal.

It wasn't.

“A collar?” Stiles was perplexed by the small red collar and the attached tags.

Just as he was going to crack a joke about Malia having a weird kink, he heard barking from inside the apartment.

“You didn’t!” He exclaimed.

Malia smiled and opened the door to their apartment.

A tiny English shepherd was staring up at him, barking excitedly.

“You got me a dog?!” Stiles crouched down and held his hand out to the puppy to let it sniff him.

“You've been wanting one for so long, and I could finally afford the deposit, so I thought why not?”

The black, brown and white puppy licked his hand and Stiles picked it up.

“So, what do you think of her?”

Stiles looked up to see Jordan walking out of the bathroom wearing one of his shirts.

“I love her,” Stiles said, nuzzling against the puppy who licked his face.

Suddenly all the weird presents made sense.

They weren’t really for me.

Stiles froze suddenly as he realized something.

“What’s wrong?” Malia asked.

“Did she pee on you? She’s done that to me twice now.” Jordan said.

“No....I just...I wore a bandanna meant for a dog most of the day,” Stiles answered. “I thought it was weird Isaac bought me a gift.”

No wonder he was so pleased to put it on me.

“I told everyone to buy gifts for the puppy, but to not give anything away, but I swear I didn’t know he was going to do that. “ Malia said,

The puppy sniffed at Stiles’ ear and he laughed.

“You know what? It doesn’t matter because I have this little sweetheart.” Stiles went over to the couch to put the collar on her.

While he was busy with the puppy, Malia saw Jordan out then took Stiles’ presents over to him.

“What are you going to name her?”

“I don’t know yet,” Stiles said distractedly.

It was hard for Malia to get his attention after that, but she didn’t mind. Seeing her boyfriend so happy made everything worth it.

After the puppy fell asleep on Stiles’ lap, he pulled her into a brief kiss and said,”Thank you for today. t was probably the best birthday I've ever had.”

Malia ran her fingers through his hair. “I wouldn’t thank me yet.”

“Why’s that? You didn’t get me anything else did you?”

“No,  but it means I expect a lot for my birthday,” She said.

Stiles laughed.

Malia smiled and kissed his forehead.

He grabbed her face and guided her until their foreheads were resting together. “I know you’re joking, but I’m going to pull out all the stops for your birthday, Malia Tate. You just wait.”

"I'm looking forward to it," She said. 

I really like writing fluff tbh. Anyways,  I hope you enjoyed!- Jay

[a-random-tracker]

Day 2: sleep woes

It’s the morning of day 3, so I’ve had 2 nights of keto-sleep. 

The first night was awful. After my (admittedly lovely but pretty much involuntary) nap, I had the worst night of sleep I’ve had in ages. I couldn’t drift off; my RLS was acting up like crazy, and every time I DID manage to drift off, I’d be awake again in an hour or two needing to pee. Bronwyn had an equally rough night. 

Last night wasn’t as bad. I didn’t nap, and I let myself drift off when I felt ready (which was at about 9:20pm). I fell asleep without much trouble and stayed that way until around 3:00am, when I woke up to pee. But after that I didn’t get much more rest. I was up until 5am reading fic and watching videos, unable to drift off; at 5am I managed to doze for a bit, but the alarm woke me up at 6:05. I snoozed it, dozed until the second alarm at 6:19am, and here we are. 

Apparently one side effect of Keto is not sleeping as much. Excess energy makes it unnecessary. But the first week of keto has also been known to cause some sleep issues while the body is still in its adjustment period. I’m not too worried, especially since last night was leagues better than the night before, but I’m eager for this part to be over. 

Also eager to get more into the swing of what I’m gonna be eating. I’m feeling a bit bleh with my usual stuff, and I know I am quickly going to get sick of eggs. I’ll have to start getting creative fast if I don’t want to burn out. But I’m up to the challenge! 

I think I’m also in desperate need of some fat bombs. I don’t know that I’m getting in as much fat as I should be in my meals, so a fat bomb supply would help with that. I have a recipe picked out and I’m planning to try to grab the ingredients after work today.

[randallevee]

Diabetes: Day 1

I can’t deny it anymore. I have diabetes.

I didn’t hide it. The primary symptoms came on strong. My feet were sore, and had been since I took a 2nd job. Working with sore feet was what I thought working men did. That’s ok though. It was the other stuff.

About 2 weeks ago, I found myself running to the bathroom far more frequently. More urgently, too. I thought maybe it was something else, that it would go away on its own. It didn’t. While on my way to a job near the Mall of America, I had to jump out of the work van and relive myself by a wall. Luckily it was at 3AM, and I wasn’t caught. It eased up for a day or two, but it never went away.

Then the cotton mouth started. I had water and Powerade near me to combat that, but it made the bathroom thing worse. Last Sunday, I was in the bathroom every hour on the hour, at times running from the machine to the loo before wetting myself.

That was when I turned to my wife and said, “I have a problem.” It’s bad when I say that to her, because I rarely visit doctors. Call it stubborn, but I was in uncharted waters here. I’d get sick with a stomach bug or cold, I’d sleep it away. I figured a few days rest would work. For this, a quick online search revealed this wasn’t going away after 10 hours sleep. An appointment was set.

That night was awful. I woke up every two hours to pee. I slept downstairs because it was easier to stumble to that bathroom from the basement couch than from my bed to the upstairs bathroom. Work that day was a mess. It was an early start, and I was home by 9 AM, so I napped before the visit.

Since I didn’t eat that morning, I was able to get blood work done that day. The staff at the clinic were very good about confirming it was diabetes without actually saying it, but I could tell by the body language I was stricken with the disease. The wait was on.

July 5th, they called me and made it official. They let the pharmacy know what meds I needed and set me up for another visit with the Doc. I went about my life as best I could. I’d spent most of my Holiday sitting around at home, drinking ice water and other sugar free drinks. By now, my vision was blurry and my fingers felt numb. I’m not sure if the clinic was aware of it, or they might have ordered me to the hospital.

Before dinner, I decided to do the blood test thing. Pricking my own finger gave me flashbacks to 1991, when Cultural Anthropology decided to match up the class by blood type. I couldn’t do it, so a guy next to me did it. The anxiety made blood run down my hand for about 15 minutes.

Tonight, it wasn’t that traumatic. That is, until the meter read 515. My wife and I looked at each other, both of us wondering how I wasn’t in a coma. I texted my mother, asking if 515 was bad. She was reassuring, telling me that it can be unless I make changes.

The Twitter community was also reassuring. Lifestyle change is necessary, but not a big deal. A lot of people I follow have diabetes, and their lives are as normal as mine. Some are active, some are sociable, all were supportive. I felt humbled by their words. It’s one thing to have support from Wife & Kid, but it’s a different level when support comes from the ones that are there, too.

So now what? I’m going to walk the treadmill for 20 minutes, go to bed, and pick up where I left off on this new adventure. Wish me luck.

[wwipodcast]

My Ketogenic Experiment Part II: How did I start my first two weeks on Keto?

Week 1: How to Keto

Where did I hear about the ketogenic diet?

The first time I heard about the “ketogenic diet” outside of medicine was a few years back while perusing YouTube, I came upon a video where a guy was describing his technique for entering ketosis. This piqued my interest as I have been studying the effects of nutrition on health since I started practicing medicine 5 years ago and this was the first time I heard of anyone altering their diet to purposefully put themselves into this metabolic state. He explained how he would begin by fasting for 48-72 hours consuming only water and electrolytes in the form of bone broth. He would then periodically check his blood ketone levels to ensure they reached 0.06-3.0 mmol/dL which was consistent with being in “nutritional ketosis” (btw – since ketosis is based on strictly regulating carbohydrates and increasing fat intake, all ketosis is nutritional). After he entered ketosis, he would continue to monitor his blood ketones several times a day and strictly adhere to preset macro-nutrient ratios composing approximately of he daily calories consisting of 70-90% fat; 5- 20% protein; and 0-10% carbohydrate.

Wow… going keto seemed like it would be a total pain in the ass! And if you are jumping right in without research and preparation, it will be a pain in the ass! I have to disclose a few things that were working in my favor as I began this journey. Last year I implemented various types of intermittent fasting (IF) into my life. IF is an entire topic in and of itself and I could write a book about the many benefits of getting in a regular fast here and there but we are trying to stick to the keto topic today. In short, IF will teach your body to tap into its fat stores for energy after it depletes its glycogen stores, which is essentially stored glucose. Initially, your body may try and break down protein into glucose to get this energy (this is bad) but our bodies have had millions of years to adapt to intermittent feeding periods and after a few attempts at IF your body will activate genes that allow it to burn stored fat as energy and spare muscle mass. This, in essence, is a type of “intermittent keto” as the process is basically the same. So with a little IF prep work (as little as 30 days worth), your body should have the machinery in place to begin burning fat a lot quicker than if you cut out all the carbs cold turkey. Does this mean I had no carbohydrate cravings? Nope! I fell face first into a pile of chocolate covered Oreos left over from Christmas on day 2 and to start all over. But luckily, that was my only hiccup. The next day I got rid of all chocolate and sweets in the house (except for Alter Eco Dark Chocolate, I could eat 2-3 squares of that a day and it only had 2-4 grams of carbohydrate) because after I saw those first ketones register on the meter, I didn’t want to ruin all my hard work.

Weeks 1 & 2

Before I started, I bought a blood ketone meter. I have mixed feelings about this and for most people, you really don’t need one. For one, it is a great way to measure your state of ketosis. It will give you an accurate measuring of your body’s ability to create ketones in the absence of glucose. However, this can be a nuisance as well. Our bodies will go into ketosis despite whether you check the levels or not. I guess a ketone meter plays a role in experimenting on which foods you can safely eat and which will drive your levels down. Also, if you’re like me, I like to see measurable results and checking my ketones daily was a way for me to record my progress and give me something for which to strive. It was difficult to reach 1.5 mmol of ketones and I sure as shit wasn’t going to ruin it with another chocolate covered Oreo! On the other hand, if you check it too often, you’re going to drive yourself crazy <- Trust me!!! So my recommendation is to check your ketone levels, initially, every day at the same time. I did this every morning and watched the levels slowly creep up (0.0, 0.1, 0.2, 0.4).

 My ketones levels were undetectable in the first 3 days and then fluctuated widely as my body learned to operate without glucose. Then I had to pee! I mean A LOT! I woke up 2-3 times a night to hit the toilet and forget about holding out till 9 or 10 am to drop off my first few cups of coffee. I was literally peeing every 30 minutes during the first few days. When your body burns through its glycogen stores, you lose a TON of water. You store about 3 grams of water for every gram of stored carbohydrate. So if you go from eating 300-500 grams of carbohydrate per day to 25-50 grams – you’re going to lose a lot of water, my friends.

 It is important to know that as you lose your water, you lose your electrolytes as well. I initially knew that I was in ketosis when I was woken at 3 am with a muscle cramp in the instep of my foot. It was quite painful but I was expecting it nonetheless as I had done plenty of research and knew that getting your electrolytes in check was a critical step in feeling good throughout the process. At first, I remedied this with a ZMA supplement at night and a teaspoon of salt in 8 ounces of water every morning. But then I found an all in one electrolyte supplement called LYTEshow that came with a nifty travel dropper bottle. I just tossed it in my bag and poured a dose in my water 4-5 times a day. Once I got my lytes in check – I was truly good to go!

The Dreaded Keto “Flu”

I never felt sick entering ketosis. Most folks I’ve found will complain about feeling fatigued, sluggish, and generally “foggy” at first which is dubbed “The Keto Flu” and from what I heard, the symptoms can be quite severe. I experienced none of this. Except for the occasional muscle cramp, I suffered no ill effects. In fact, the muscle cramps actually served as a reminder that A. I was indeed still in ketosis and B. I needed to up my electrolytes.

Athletic Performance

The biggest change I encountered was a significant drop in athletic performance. This can be a HUGE issue for folks may be the deciding factor when it comes to trying their own self-experimentation with keto and this is understandable. I don’t compete in jiujitsu anymore nor run 5-10k races, so I really wasn’t concerned about a temporary drop in performance. I do enjoy high-intensity exercise with my body-weight, kettlebells, dumbbells, and sandbags. However, without sufficient glycogen storage, my muscles would bonk out rather quickly (bonk is used by athletes to describe the state in which there is absolutely no fuel left in the gas tank). For example, instead of being able to hammer out 20-30 burpees in a minute, I would run out of gas at 15 and need a good 3-5 minute break in-between sets. This was a weird feeling and took some getting used to. I no longer participate in long-distance endurance sports, so I have no personal experiences with how keto affects those activities. From what I would imagine is that long distance aerobic activities would improve after becoming keto-adapted – improved ability to metabolize fat as efficiently as we metabolize glucose. Why? If we are glucose dependent and not keto-adapted then after we burn through our glucose stores at various rates and when we hit “empty” we experience the dreaded bonk. I experienced this phenomenon out in the Nevada desert during a particularly grueling 100+ mile bike ride back in 2010 (before I was aware ketosis was even a thing). I literally rode till my legs quit. I had no more energy in reserve to keep going so what I had to do was slosh down sweet glucose filled jelly supplements and gooey syrups in order to power myself to the finish line. How would ketosis have helped me back then? It’s hard to say but I imagine my body would have been able to easily switch fuels from glucose to fats and left me with a virtually unlimited supply of energy to keep me going without having to suck down sugar every 15 minutes. So athletic performance may be a concern in the short term but if you’re a weekend warrior who wants to up his game, ketosis may work for you. A period of metabolic adaptation can take anywhere from 1-6 months for most folks forgo this process. You need to ask yourself, what do athletics mean to me? If you’re covering an NFL wide receiver or hitting home runs for a living – maybe not for you. Do you enjoy the occasional community  5-10k or even marathons… it may fit you perfectly.

So that covers my first few weeks of the ketogenic diet. Stay tuned next week for weeks 3-8. Topics include sleep, weight loss, muscle gain and much more!

Part I – Part II

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[madge-]

I’ve felt a little “off” lately and I don’t know how the heck to explain it. Today I had this persistent nagging need to clean my entire freaking house. WHY THO??? I FUCKIN HATE CLEANING??? And then I’ve been having these intense food cravings lately. Like today I desperately wanted some fuckin pizza with steak on it and drowned in sriracha, but then after I made it I took two bites of it and was like “EHH.. NO THANKS”. I was freakin hungry as fuck?? why did my body all of a sudden decide it didn’t want it anymore???? HUH?? I usually love that Philly cheesesteak pizza, now all of a sudden the smell of the meat made me want to vomit. So weird. and then afterwords my body was craving SPINACH!!! THE IDEA OF CRISPY FRESH SPINACH MADE ME DROOL!!! SINCE WHEN DO I CRAVE FOODS WITH NUTRITIONAL VALUE??? ITS LIKE MY BODY IS BEGGING FOR NUTRIENTS SO IT CAN USE THAT AS FUEL TO GROW A FETUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANKS BUT NO THANKS, LADY PARTS.

I’ve woke up nauseous the past few days and I have also felt really run down lately. I didn’t think much of it because I figured I was just sick. I’m a freakin nurse for goodness sake, I’m around sick people constantly, so I never even think twice when I start to feel sick. I just continue on with my day to day life and power through and drink lots of water until the symptoms go away. But like… these symptoms aren’t going away or getting any less worse.

ALSO, I KEEP PEEING A LOT MORE THAN USUAL, EVEN THOUGH MY WATER DRINKING HABITS HAVE NOT CHANGED AT ALL??? AND ANOTHER THING, MY BOOBS ARE SO FREAKIN TENDER LATELy!!! MY POOR NIPPLES ARE HATING LIFE!! my gut keeps screaming at me saying “GO BUY A PREGNANCY TEST!!!!! RIGHT NOW!!!” but I don’t want too because wHAT IF ITS FREAKIN POSITIVE???? IVE DRANK COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF WINE LATELY AND IF THERE IS A FETUS INSIDE OF ME THAT THING IS ALREADY SCREWED. IM NOT READY FOR MOTHERHOOD YET. I’m really really really really really really REALLY not ready yet. Have I mentioned I’m not ready yet? BECAUSE IM REALLY SCARED BECAUSE I AM NOT READY FOR THIS YET!!!

I’m on birth control pills, but during the hurricane I worked and was so busy and overwhelmed that I didn’t take a pill for about 48 hours. I know it was dumb to sleep with my boyfriend when I hadn’t been diligent about taking the pill, but I’ve been on the pill for like 9 years… so for some reason I assumed that through the years my ovaries have built a large anti-sperm moat around it or something…? and so I was less likely to get pregnant because I’ve been on the pill for so long? When I saw my boyfriend after the storm, I missed him soooo much and I was soooooo happy to feel his skin on mine again. We barely said hi, gave me a big kiss, then grabbed my hand and took me to bed immediately. The passion I felt for him in that moment was incredible, and in that moment, nothing else in the world mattered. So the fact that I forgot to take my pill didn’t even cross my mind. We proceeded to have sex 4 times that day and did not use condoms. we never wear condoms, because I am on the pill.

GUESS THE NEXT TIME I GO GROCERY SHOPPING ILL PICK ME UP A PREGNANCY TEST. IF IM PREGNANT ITS ALL MY FAULT BECAUSE MY DUMBASS FORGOT TO TAKE MY PILL. IM SCARED SHITLESS TO TELL MY BOYFRIEND. IM SCARED HE’LL GET MAD AT ME AND YELL AT ME FOR BEING AN IRRESPONSIBLE DUMMY. I AM SO HAPPY WITH HIM AND HE IS SUCH A KIND, GENUINE AND LOVING PERSON, AND HE TALKS ABOUT HOW HE WANTS KIDS IN THE FUTURE.. BUT NOT YET. WE HAVE ONLY BEEN TOGETHER ABOUT 3 MONTHS. WE HAVENT EVEN SAID “I LOVE YOU” TO EACH OTHER YET. I mean, deep down I know I’m already in love with him, but I’ll be damned if I say “I love you” first.

If I am pregnant, I think this unwanted pregnancy will not only ruin my life, but his too. I will be 25 years old next month, my boyfriend is 27, so it’s not like we’re not old enough to be parents… but still… I DONT WANNA