#and also the fact that all the guests were women and the whole point is just them simping for the Moriarty family and them tryna deal w it

[authorhjk1]

I’ll try my luck in requesting.. Plot is, reader asks SNSD Yoona who is his gf to dominate him femdom style.. I’d want to see kinks like pegging and well.. To be honest body worship especially armpits.. Thanks for reading and if you choose to decline it, all good.. But I really wish to a great writer’s take on this humble request of mine..

Submitting to her

(Lim Yoona X Male Reader)

This is how everyone sees her. Lim Yoona. One of the younger members and the center of Girl's Generation. Most of the time a cute, playful sunshine. But when it comes down to it, she can also be fierce and borderline sexy.

But no one will ever be able to see her, how you see her. That is something no one will ever know.

You met Yoona about a year ago for the first time. You couldn't believe she actually walked into the bar you were working at. It was a very expensive and prestigious one, yes, but you didn't really think of Yoona as big bar goer.

And you were quickly proven right. She was only there, because of one of the two friends she was with, was celebrating her engagement.

The three women were sitting at your bar the whole night, chatting away and drinking more and more of your most expensive liquor. While you were serving them and the other guests as well, the newly engaged woman seemed to have drunk too much. First, she kept on showing off her ring to Yonna and the third woman, but as the night grew longer, she also started to flirt with you.

You thought nothing of it at first, blaming it on the alcohol, but she got more and more into it. You could tell that Yonna was getting a little uncomfortable at her friend's behavior, but she didn't say a word.

"Would you mind mixing me another cocktail, babe?"

Yes, you did mind. And no you didn't like the fact she called you increasingly worse pet names. Blaming the alcohol would have been only a sorry excuse at this point. You could already tell that her future husband would probably catch her cheating at one point. It was so clear it could've been written on her forehead.

Eventually, her and Yoona's other friend went to the bathroom. The rude woman definitely drank too much. And while you were wiping parts of the black granite surface of the counter, you were hoping she wouldn't completely ruin the ladies' room.

You heard Yoona groan, after she took the last sip of her cocktail.

"Would you like a refill, Miss?"

To your surprise, Yoona suddenly glared at you.

"Oh, please, lover boy. Don't pretend like you would say no, if she asked you to spend the night with her."

You felt that was a little out of the blue. But the alcohol and her being annoyed by her friend, probably made her search for some kind of release.

"I would say no."

You would never sleep with another man's girlfriend, wife or whatever.

"Really? Why wouldn't you, huh?"

You suddenly felt trapped. Was that a trick question? Did she want you to mess up, so she could let out all her pend up frustration on you?

"Never mind, I'm sorry."

Yoona cut you off, before you could answer.

"It's just... I'm always too busy, you know? Barely free time, no time for dating, or a boyfriend and especially no time for a husband."

"Another cocktail it is, then."

Yoona chuckled as you started to mix the same cocktail she had before.

"You're really good at that, you know?"

"I hope so, I've been doing this for years."

As you added your finishing touches, Yoona let out another sigh.

"You are still young, so take some advice from me. Make sure you find the right person to be with. Don't wait as long as I have."

"I'm sure there are a lot of good men out there, who would like to go on a date with you, despite your busy schedule."

Since the granite surface was a little bigger, you let her new glass slide over the stone. It came to a hold just in front of her. You leaned over the counter and reached behind her ear.

Yoona slightly backed away, but you pulled back already, holding a small cocktail umbrella in your hand.

"Myself included, of course."

You blew on the umbrella, opening it up, before you let it fall into the drink.

You usually weren't that straight forward with guests. But this wasn't a usual guest. This was Yoona.

"That was smooth."

She playfully wiggled her eyebrows as she acknowledged your skill.

"Like I said, years of work and experience. Once I start something, I only finish once I perfected it."

"I like the sound of that."

Her smile was warm, but at the same time a little seductive. Her eyes sparkling with amusement, but also looking at you as if she was searching for something.

You later asked about that moment.

"I liked you. You looked handsome. And I wanted something she couldn't have."

That was her answer. Almost the perfect way to describe the start of your relationship.

"Although I don't have a man, I do have needs. I don't have enough time to date, but I can definitely make just enough time to take care of those needs."

You were surprised at how hopen she suddenly talked about herself. You were still in a public place.

"I could use someone like you. Dedicated to a task. Not stopping until he is satisfied. I would repay you of course. How much money do you make?"

While you were standing there, totally bamboozled by her sudden offer, you realize you could've seen that coming. Yoona is lonely, doesn't have time for a proper relationship and has more than enough money to find herself a sugar baby.

And for some reason, you did like the sound of that. Her terms were clear. Wherever and whenever she wanted, you would do your best to worship her entire body, make her feel good. But for that, you would have to quit your job.

"Don't worry. I will pay for everything you need."

While you were still debating on saying yes or no, her friends came back. They were eventually done drinking and were about to go home.

Yoona gave you one last look.

Decide right now, or you will regret it for the rest of your life.

You quickly wrote your number on a napkin and gave it to her.

The dynamic in your relationship was clear from the get go. Yoona was literally your sugar mommy and paid for everything, while you were tasked with pleasuring her better than anyone had ever before. Outside of the bedroom, she was the dominant one, but when it was about sex, you were the one who took care of her.

After staying at her place a couple of times, you, unconsciously, slowly started to move in with her. It started with a toothbrush and it ended with your computer and desk in her guest room. Not that Yonna minded at all. The living together and sleeping together, made it impossible to not start developing feelings. And finally, after ten months of sex with no strings attached, you both agreed on your new status of your relationship.

"10 Minute break in twenty minutes. Need you."

A simple text from your now girlfriend and you are on your way.

You enter the SM building slowly after, making your way to one of the smaller rooms on the third floor. As soon as you walk in, Yoona crashes into you. You haven't seen her since this morning. She looks just as good as she did then.

As soon as you saw her outfit this morning, you knew this is gonna be one of those days. She doesn't have them often. But on those days, she sometimes shows you a side of her no one can know about.

Most of the time, the power during sex is equally distributed. Sometimes it's Yoona, who leads, sometimes it's you. But most of the time, the two of you are equals. Yoona isn't the kind of woman who loves to get fucked like a cheap whore. She does enjoy you, being a little rougher with her at times, but never something too crazy.

And on rare occasions, just like today, you can see a fire burn inside of her. A fire that makes her lust and arousal grow immensely. Until now, she always had herself under control. But you do know, that if her self control breaks, you will be the one who will have to bear the consequences.

"Oh, fuck. I need your tongue so bad."

She whispers into your ear, after just having kissed the life out of you.

You lean down and push her hair behind her shoulders, before you start to kiss her naked skin. Yoona loves how you take care of her. How you worship her. To say that she has a praise kink is an understatement. More like goddess kink.

"You taste perfect, mommy."

Yoona purrs, at your words, letting out a satisfied sigh. Yeah, one of those days. You know you are doomed tonight, if you can't satisfy her well enough right now.

And at the same time, you don't mind at all. You actually welcome the idea of Yoona punishing you for doing a bad job. You want to find out what happens, when that fire inside her does take over her being. You are just not sure yet, if you can handle it.

Once you have dutifully peppered her shoulders with endless kisses, you pick her up and carry her towards the window.

"Oh, yes. I'm craving that. Oh, baby I'm so thirsty for your touch."

Yoona always turns into a mess, whenever you start to worship her like this. She loves it. And you do too.

After putting her down on the windowsill, you quickly start to take off her belt. This is just the right height for what you have in mind. Once her suit pants are around her ankles, you reach into her panties. The black lace traps your hand, forcing you towards her pussy.

"That's it, baby. Be a good boy."

Yoona moans in delight as she feels you pushing a finger inside of her. You lick your lips as you see her closing her eyes, ready to bring the second half of your plan to life.

While your left is slowly fingering her wet pussy, your right hand is now reaching for her wrists. Already knowing what you have in mind, Yoona gladly raises her arms. Standing next to her, you are greeted with the magnificent sight of her left armpit.

The slight sweat on her skin sparkles in the sunlight from outside. You unconsciously take a deep breath, enjoying Yoona's scent. After you spend hours after hours worshiping her entire body, you know how she tastes everywhere and how she smells too. Usually sweet, with a hint of sweat, because it's a hot day.

After taking another breath and pushing a second finger inside of her, you stick out your tongue and place it right underneath her armpit. Yoona lets out a deep moan. This combination has always made her cum pretty quick. And you have limited time right now.

The slight salty taste hits your taste buds as you use one long lick to move your tongue across her armpit.

"That's it, baby. Lick your mommy clean."

Yoona moans out loud as she feels your tongue now delivering longs swipes across her armpit. Your fingers in her pussy aren't idle and soon, Yoona succumbs to the pleasure you force onto her.

It takes you a minute or two to complete lick her armpit free of her sweat and just a little longer to reward yourself. The more you can have of her, the better. Yoona's sweat is now replaced by a small amount of your spit.

You change position as you keep your fingers inside her, your thumb now rubbing her clit.

"Hurry, baby. If you don't make me cum..."

Her whispered threat is interrupted by your tongue, finally reaching her armpit on the other side. The saltiness seems to be a little bit more prominent on this side. You gladly lick it all up, while Yoona starts to buck her hips against your hand.

"Damn it!"

She sighs heavier as her breathing becomes faster.

"Make me cum already."

Her heightened arousal makes her a little more aggressive today.

You keep on licking her skin and fingering her pussy. You know that she is slowly getting there. Maybe a couple of licks more. Or maybe a third finger...

"Yoona?"

You stop immediately as you hear someone outside the room. Yoona holds her shakey breath.

"Y-Yeah?"

"We have to get going now."

"Give me a minute, manager-nim!"

Yoona quickly urges you to pull your fingers out of her. As if you wouldn't have thought of that yourself.

"This isn't over."

She looks up at you with that fire in her eyes, once she is done making herself look presentable.

"As soon as I'm home..."

She let's that threat linger in the air as she walks out of the room. Yes, this is one of those days. But today seems more intense than usual. You wonder, if you asked for it, would Yoona let that raging fire consume her? Would she let go off her primal instinct and use your body for her pleasure, without thinking about you?

A shiver of anticipation runs down your spine. What do you have to do to make that happen?

You know that Yoona will be busy for the rest of the day. You're sure she mentioned something about a magazine cover photoshoot, but you can't remember. Her schedule is stuffed with way too much events and appointments for you to know all of them.

And that's why she catches you by surprise, when she suddenly crashes through the door to her apartment.

"I have ten minutes."

It looks like she is on a break again. And it seems she came straight from the photoshoot. She is still wearing that outfit.

And you can tell by the fact, that she only came here for sex, that she is close to breaking.

You try to get off the couch you are lying on, but Yoona is quicker. The advantage of her skirt is, that she can just sit down on your face, without having to undress.

Barely ten seconds after she came home and your tongue is already buried inside her wet pussy. Yoona quickly holds onto your hair with both hands. Too impatient for you to find the proper rhythm, she just starts to ride your face. You have no choice but to lie there, enjoying the taste of Yoona's sweet pussy.

A minute passes. Then two. Then three. You do your best, trying to get her off as quick as possible. But that small voice at the back of your head starts to talk. What if...

Yoona breathes heavily and leans forward, trying to catch her breath, as she realizes that this isn't enough. Not enough for her to orgasm. Not enough for her to satisfy her hunger.

She quickly gets off your face, leaving you with trails of her juices all over it. Before you can react, your pants are already off. And a second later, Yoona has already straddled you, her pussy hovering above your cock.

"Oh, damn. That cock."

She sighs, her eyes closing in bliss as she impales herself on your cock. Without even thinking about it, one of her hands move towards your throat. She keeps riding you, her pleasure now increasing by the second. After almost getting caught earlier today, she really needs to find that high right now.

"M-Mommy."

She hears you coughing after calling her. Her eyes shoot open and she realizes that she has been choking you. Yoona quickly moves her hand away, an apologetic look in her eyes. She has never done that before. She never let herself go that far.

"Babe..."

She wants to say sorry, wants to apologize. And yet, a small part of her mind tells her to put her hand back on your throat. To make you cough, while she rides you like a dildo, not giving a damn about your well-being.

It scares Yoona for a moment. Those thoughts. But she can also see that you seem to know, what's going on inside of her.

Her eyes grow wide as you slowly start to nod your head.

No need for words. Yoona takes a deep breath, before she puts her hands back on your throat. For the first time, she starts to let go of herself.

You lie on the couch with wide open eyes. Yoona left barely a minute ago. It's hard for you to get up. You didn't expect her to go that hard. She rode you like her life depended on it. You were barely able to take it yourself, her pace and power were almost too much for you. Reaching for your throat, you grimace in pain. It's not that bad, but you don't need a mirror to know that that's gonna leave bruises.

You are glad you were able to cum, just in time, before Yoona came herself. You wonder if she would've cared about your orgasm at that point. Maybe not. But that thought alone almost makes you reach for your cock, which is still wet with her juices.

The rest of your day goes by without anything major happening. You are excited about what is gonna happen tonight. Despite having climaxed earlier, Yoona still didn't look very satisfied.

Trying to make time go by faster, you sit down in front of your computer, planing on gaming a little, until she comes home.

"Turn it off."

You almost have a heart attack, when you suddenly hear Yoona's voice. You didn't hear her come home.

"H-Hi, babe."

Her tone made it clear, that this day is still not over. The only question is, how rough Yoona is going to be with you.

Once you turn off the computer and look at her properly, you know what kind of sex she has in mind. She is now wearing a different outfit. Probably another one from her photoshoot.

"You look gorgeous."

You can tell she is holding in a smile as she leans down, to be at your eye level.

"I've had a long day..."

You get the hint as you stand up, just to walk her over towards the bed. Knowing you have the rest of the night, you start slowly. First, her hands. You kiss each of her knuckles and the back of her hands. She sighs, as Yoona lies on the bed, enjoying your work.

You soon move upwards, switching from one arm to the other, while you pepper her skin with kisses. It's smoothness takes your breath away every time. How can she be this beautiful?

Reaching her shoulders, you take a short trip to her collarbone, licking along it's length, before returning to her shoulders. Yoona lets out a satisfied hum. But you know that, at least today, this won't satisfy her enough. You move her arms away from her body a little, giving you access to her pits.

"Baby. I need to fuck you."

Yoona sighs, her first words since she told you to take care of her.

You know what she means by that. The fire in her eyes still there. As you dive in, licking her right armpit, you know that she is thinking about something far different from just riding you, like she did earlier today.

Yoona's fire urges her on to take control. To take you. To make you hers. And there's only one way you will truly be hers.

Yoona shifts around a little, while you keep worshipping her body. Once you're finished with licking her armpit clean, you kiss along her collarbone towards the other one, before diving in again.

Her hand finds itself in your hair as she lets out a heavier sigh.

"I need to-to take you. Now."

You realize that Yoona is approaching her breaking point. Should you push further? Ignore her real needs for just a couple of moments longer?

You eventually decide to be forward.

"You can do what you want with me, mommy."

You kiss her armpit one last time, before looking up at her face.

"Please. Be as rough as you want."

This is the only way for her to be happy today. To be satisfied. And you are more than willing to help.

"A-Are you sure?"

You nod your head yes.

"Do with me what you want."

You can see that dangerous fire flicker in her eyes. Yoona's inner voices are fighting each other. Eventually, she pushes you off of her, before she jumps off the bed. You watch her walk towards the big closet. Once she opens it, you can see what's lying on the middle shelf.

Four dildos, lined up and sorted by length. A belt, to make a strap on out of one of them, on their right. You gulp, knowing that there is no turning back now.

It's not like this your first time. Usually, at least one of you is in the mood for it. And you are the one, who decides which one gets used, before you start.

But you are very aware that Yoona is already using the one on the right. She put it on the belt already and is now tying it around her waist. The biggest one.

Her black outfit seems to fit the blue plastic perfectly. You don't choose that one very often. But now you know Yoona's true thoughts. The others aren't big enough for her taste.

"Strip."

She says, before even having turned around.

You hesitate for a moment. It's not that you don't trust her. It's the fact that you don't trust that fire within her. How far will she go...

Yoona's movement quickly makes you jump into action. As she turns around, you're just getting rid off your pants. She steps towards the edge of the bed as you take your shirt off.

Without a word, Yoona stares at you, lust burning in her eyes. She does a come hither motion with a finger, making you crawl towards her.

"Suck my cock, baby. If you don't want to get hurt..."

Yoona only used lube at the beginning. But after having tried this a couple of times, she started to make you suck the dildo first, before pegging you. Your own spit being the lubricant. That should've been a sign that something like this would come sooner rather than later. A sign you should've read.

You look up at Yoona as you open your mouth. Her fiery gaze stares back at you. You can't tell how rough she is going to be exactly. Should you be using a safe word?

But as Yoona pushes her hips forward, the blue dildo pushing past your lips, you realize that the time for setting a safe word has long past. You feel the plastic in your mouth, the unforgiving material dragging along your tongue. Yoona places her hand on the back of your head, holding you in place as she forces you to take it all at once. The tip slightly grazes the back of your throat, once your lips reach the base.

"Look up."

You do as your told. Yoona stares down at you, her face cold, while her eyes are burning. You catch her biting her lip slightly, before she moves her hips back. A moment later, she pushes them forward again. She starts to pick up the pace soon after, letting her other hand wander towards the back of your head as well.

Yoona is now fucking your face. Not as hard and fast as you occasionally do with her, but enough for you to cough once in a while. Due to her constant thrusts, the blue plastic is eventually covered in your saliva. Some of the liquid is already staining your lips and chin.

"What a good boy you are, sucking mommy's cock."

Up until now, you had both of your hands placed on the mattress, supporting your weight. Now, knowing how horny Yoona is, you reach forward with one hand. Since she is wearing a one piece, it was hard for you worship her whole body just now. So you try to make up for it by placing your hand between her thighs.

"That's right, baby. Mommy comes first."

Yoona slows down a little to make it easier for you to rub her pussy through the black fabric. Whenever you send really big jolts of pleasure through her body, Yoona thrusts forward uncontrollably. And soon, she is fucking your mouth again, while you try to pleasure her.

"Press harder."

You follow her orders, applying more pressure on her pussy.

"Fuck, yes!"

Yoona hisses loudly at the sudden increase of pleasure. Her hips move as fast as your hand, the two of you in a silent competition on who can go the fastest. It doesn't take long for Yoona to win as she forced herself inside of you exceptionally deep, making you gag and lose control of her your hand.

"Turn around."

She tells you, while you still recover from her sudden attack.

Once you do, you feel Yoona climb on the bed as well, kneeling behind you.

"If you are going to be a good boy and take it well"

Yoona leans over you slightly, the wet plastic pressing against your ass cheeks. It sends a shiver down your spine as you know very well what's next.

"I will reward you by letting you lick and kiss every single part of me."

It's an offer you can't refuse. For one, because you would do anything to get that opportunity. And two, because you are literally unable to refuse. Even if you would try, Yoona would just laugh at you.

You feel the dildo poke your butt hole as Yoona readies herself. She lets her hands wander over your cheeks, before she reaches underneath you. A moment later, her hand holds your cock, slowly stroking it.

"Don't cum too early, baby. Last time, you made a mess of yourself while cuming."

One would think that Yoona is just being considerate. But her tone says otherwise. It drips with her lust and you can tell that that's exactly what she wants. For you to lose control over your body as you cum.

Finally, Yoona slowly pushes forward. You breath a little heavier as you try to adjust to the new feeling.

"Relax, or this is gonna hurt."

Usually, Yoona would stop if you had trouble taking it and speak some encouraging words.

Not this time. Instead of waiting, she pushes the plastic tip past the ring of your muscles. You hold onto the sheets as Yoona slowly pulls you towards her, while she moves forward.

More and more of her length you take. Inch by inch, the blue dildo stretches your ass.

"Oh fuck, baby. Your ass looks so tight."

One of her hands squeezes your cheeks, while the other keeps stroking your cock. You grit your teeth as Yoona pushes further. Having taken this dildo a couple of times already, you can tell that you're halfway there. You feel every new inch drag past your muscles.

You feel fuller than before as Yoona keeps going. She doesn't stop, until you've finally taken it all.

"Good boy, taking all of mommy's cock."

Yoona whispers sweet nothings into your ear. You know that this only the calm before the storm.

Without asking if you are ready, which she would usually do, Yoona starts to pull out of you. Your hole clamps down on the plastic, not wanting it to leave your body. Just when only the tip remains inside, Yoona pushes forward again. She does this very slowly a couple of times, before she starts to pick up the pace.

It hurts a little as she becomes faster, but you don't complain. You can take it and you don't want to get on her bad side.

"Oh, damn. You're so hard already."

The whole time, Yoona has kept stroking your cock. She removes her hand for a moment and you hear her spit on it. Her now wet hand goes back to working your cock, while the plastic cock in your ass keeps moving back and forth.

Just as you are getting adjusted to the current pace, Yoona starts to fuck you faster. Some thrust leaves you breathless as she pushes your face into the mattress with her power.

"Mommy..."

You don't dare ask her to stop, but you need to warn her. You feel like you are losing control. Your thighs start to shake, your cock twitching a little.

"Not, yet."

You can tell she is gritting her teeth as she fucks you from behind. Both her hands are now on your ass as she keeps up the pace. Soon, she is pounding away with no regard for your comfort. The plastic inside of you drags along your inner walls and keeps splitting you open.

"Mommy..."

It seems that is the only word that you can force off your lips. As she takes your ass, you can tell that Yoona is really enjoying herself. Her nails are slightly digging into your flesh as she holds a tight grip on you. Apart from her breathing, which is now a little faster, you can hear her deep moans and an occasional grunt.

"Mommy, I think I'm gonna-"

You suddenly have a mouthful of the mattress. Yoona has pushed your head down to shut you up, ignoring your warnings that you're about to cum.

You can't help it. The plastic dildo in your ass keeps dragging along your inner walls as Yoona fucks you hard. You hiss, feeling slight pain, as she bottoms out inside of you.

You want to warn her again. Tell her you're about to cum on the sheets. But your words are muffled by the mattress, while Yoona keeps fucking you further into it.

"Don't cum too early, baby."

She mocks you, her hand finding it's way to your cock again. She squeezes it slightly while she strokes you faster and faster. Timed with her thrusts, her handjob pushes you further towards your climax.

Because you can't talk, you can do nothing but take Yoona's cock in silence. You feel your back arch as Yoona pushes your head even further into the mattress. It enables her to drive herself even deeper into you.

That's the final push you needed. You let out a deep moan as you climax immediately. Yoona's dildo feels even bigger now, her hand drains you of all of your cum. You can tell you've ruined the sheets, without even having to look.

"You've taken mommy's cock so well, baby."

Yoona leans down to kiss your cheek. For the first time today, she seems to genuinely care for you.

"Time for your reward."

You lift your head, once Yoona has removed her hand. You fall to the side, still breathing a little heavily.

Yoona uses your small break to untie the belt, before tossing it off the bed. She straddles you and leans over you with an expectant look.

You move your head upwards to lap at her armpits, cleaning her off the sweat that had just build up over the last couple of minutes.

"Get your tongue in there, yes!"

Yoona sighs in delight. You let your hands wander over her clothed back, trying to find the zipper. Once you do, you slowly reveal what's been hiding underneath her one piece.

You move from her armpits, over her collarbone, towards her chest. You suck on Yoona's nipples, once your reach them. She moans out loud. Her tits are quite sensitive, especially while you dedicate yourself to worshipping her body.

More and more of her skin gets covered in kisses, until you've been everywhere at least once.

"Make me cum, baby."

Yoona quickly strips off her entire one piece, now leaning over you completely naked. The sight makes you hard again already. She quickly lowers herself onto your cock. Just like earlier, she doesn't wait for you to adjust yourself. She quickly picks up the pace, using your cock like a dildo.

"Use your tongue, damn it."

She groans as you stop for a couple of seconds, because you are too captivated by her beauty.

While she rides you, you keep your tongue on the skin of her upper body. You make sure you don't miss a spot. Her tight midriff, her chest, her collarbone, her shoulders, her pits. All deserve equal attention as you do your best to reach each spot.

Eventually, the combination of your cock inside of her and your tongue all over her pleasure her too much, Yoona finally orgasms on top of you. Her body shakes as she rides out her high.

Once she comes down, you are surprised by feeling her getting off of you.

"Mommy-?"

You'd hoped she would allow you to stay inside her longer. Maybe even cum in her.

"You are not done yet."

Yuna turns around and lies on her stomach on top of you. She purposefully puts her feet in the direction of your face. You feel her lips wrap around your cock, while you dart your tongue out to get your first taste of her feet today.

As you shift around a little, you can tell that your going to be sore tomorrow. But it won't be too bad. Because once she woke up, Yoona will be the beautiful sunshine she usually is. You wonder how long it's gonna take until her next rampage.

------------

Hi, everyone.

This is the first time I tried writing kinks like armpits and pegging, so the quality might not be as good as you expected. But I hope you were still enjoying reading it.

Stay healthy!

[everythingmp3]

𝕤𝕟𝕖𝕒𝕜𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕒𝕣𝕠𝕦𝕟𝕕 ✧

adult!Van x fem!reader (smut)

when you return home for the summer and your parents tell you that a friend of theirs will be staying over for a while, you don´t think much of it. that is until you meet her and it becomes impossible to be around her without trying to get her attention.

minors dni. warnings: filth but no bottom/top dynamic (tit sucking, thigh riding, etc.)

author´s note: I missed her so here I am, back to pushing the adult Van agenda <3 I was in the mood for something fun flirty etc. so thats the vibe I went for, hope you like it!

after a stressful last few weeks of the semester, you were glad to finally be going back home to your parents place for the summer. when you called them a few days before coming back they briefly mentioned something about an old friend of theirs, Van, who´d be staying over for a week because she was in the area and they hadn´t seen each other in a while. you didn´t think twice about it, it was a regular occurance for them to have people over for a few days. your own plans mostly included sleeping in, relaxing in the garden, doing nothing for once, but that was only partly what was going to happen that first week of being home.

the day that Van arrived you’d been out for dinner with a friend from high school, so by the time you came home it had gotten late and you walked in on your parents and her standing in the kitchen, laughing, having a drink. the moment Van turned around and smiled at you, you thought what the fuck. it took you a moment to speak but you recovered, somewhat. 

you introduced yourself to her and asked a few polite questions, but the whole time you were thinking why the fuck didn´t they tell me they were inviting a hot lesbian? couldn´t they have given me a warning?, but then you realized: of course your parents had no clue that you were into women that close to their age. 

after a moment of chit-chat you excused yourself to go freshen up and collect your thoughts before joining them again out on the terrace to also have a drink and enjoy the sunset. sitting there listening to them talk, you immediately understood why they´d kept in touch with Van even after so many years: she was funny, a dry kind of humor that you enjoyed, she was charming, quick witted, easy to talk to, generally just great company. on top of that she was painfully alluring, her fiery long hair, the faint scars on her cheek, her dark blue eyes, that deep soft voice, it was all getting to you, after a while you were scared you were blushing, but you could´ve just blamed it on the alcohol. 

the good thing was that any amount of enthusiasm you showed while talking to Van just registered as friendly to your parents, you were safe in that regard, they´d never have guessed that your interest went beyond the platonic kind. 

at first you were unsure whether you were her type at all so you didn´t get your hopes up and tried to play it cool, but that night something happened that changed your mind. 

they gave her the guest room next to yours, which meant that you two would share a bathroom. as you got undressed to shower you forgot to lock the door because you weren´t thinking about the fact that someone else was also going to use it, so as you stood there in your underwear the door opened and Van immediately excused herself, overly apologetic “oh fuck I´m so sorry”, but she hesitated just a moment too long before closing the door again; there was one brief second you caught of her gaze scanning your body in a way that made it crystal clear: the attraction was not one-sided. you grinned like an idiot for minutes after, the whole time you showered, thinking back to that flicker of want in her eyes as she took in the sight of you. 

the next morning your choice of outfit was not coincidental. you skipped over the loose t-shirts in favor of a tight tank top, you also fussed with your hair longer than usual, you made a point to put lotion on your arms and legs, to wear a nice fragrance, and when you caught yourself doing all that you almost laughed to yourself, realizing that you were acting like you had a crush, but you didn´t mind, it felt good to be that into someone for once. 

that morning your whole physicality changed because of Van´s presence in the room. the moment you were downstairs helping your parents with breakfast, while they told Van to just sit and wait, you started moving certain ways on purpose: you leaned over the counter when it wasn´t really necessary, you licked some juice off your fingers when you could have just used a towel, when it was time to eat you sat more upright than usual, you were very conscious of your expression, giving her a look while listening to her talk that was way more intense than the kind you´d haven given other guests. 

Van´s poker face was good, but she noticed it, all of it, and she couldn´t believe it. at first she thought she might be imagining things but by the time you were done eating and leaned your head on your hands, looking over at her with your head tilted, all doe-eyed and sweet, she thought: oh no. she knows exactly what she´s doing. 

the first few days of Van´s stay were during the weekend so your parents were off from work and used that time to show her around, to get dinner with her at their favorite restaurant, properly catching up while you were free to do whatever, but by Monday it would be just you and Van in the mornings and afternoons and you were nervous as hell.

Monday morning, you walked down, trying to figure out how to act casual, but when you saw her messing with the coffee machine all nervousness vanished as you found a way to open the conversation: offering to make her that coffee and breakfast. she gladly accepted, talking to you about college, about her store, about films you´d seen lately, watching you as you moved around the kitchen, serving her.

it felt natural, you had no trouble finding plenty of things to talk about and the conversation turned passionate quickly, since you both had strong opinions about pretty much everything that came up. as you both ate you asked her, “so, what I´m gathering is that I shouldn´t put on Netflix around you, hm?” she laughed, “well, you can do whatever you want, I won´t police you, but they don´t have the good stuff. so you´d be wasting your precious time” you leaned forward, eyeing her, amused by that way of putting it, “the good stuff? and what would that be?”, it took her about 0.5 seconds to start listing her favorite 80s and 90s classics, most of which you´d already seen, but you felt like messing with her so you said, “never heard of any of those.”, dead-pan, convincing. her jaw dropped, “what the fuck.. are you being serious??”, you didn´t move a muscle in your face, letting her believe it, taking in her dramatic reaction “okay, I think you need an intervention here”, you laughed then, “oh and you´d be the one doing that yeah?”, she nodded, “I mean you´re off from school I know but you have some serious homework to do here”, you nodded, “right. I´ll report back when I’m done with that list you just gave me. you can quiz me on it then”, she smiled “good idea, I might just do that”. 

you kept talking for a few more minutes as you finished your drinks and put away the plates, but the interesting part was that neither of you dared to ask the other one about dating or romance at all, it was clear that you were both trying to figure the other one out without giving yourself away with questions like, “so, got a girlfriend?”. neither of you wanted to expose yourselves like that, so it stayed mysterious, certain glances, certain suggestive ways of puttings things, giving hints here and there. even though the words didn´t give it away, something was in the air, undeniably. 

you offered her a ride because you were meeting your friend for coffee downtown and had recommended a few places for her to check out nearby, so she agreed, slightly nervous to be sitting that close to you.

usually she was the one driving people around, so it was a nice change, to have you do it for her, too nice she realized, as she kept staring at your hands on the wheel, your arms flexing, your legs pressed against the leather seat. you could tell, suppressing a smile as you felt her enjoying the view, when a few minutes passed and you could still feel her eyes on your side profile you applied some lip balm at a stop light, really taking your time with it, Van thinking jesus christ what is she doing to me as you pressed your lips together, slowly, really drawing the process out. the rest of the afternoon Van tried to forget about it as she walked around a few stores, talked to strangers, had lunch, but the entire time she kept replaying the things you´d said and done earlier, increasingly convinced you were just waiting for her to make a move, trying hard to remind herself it wasn´t a good idea at all to mess around with you under your parent´s roof. 

that day was a particularly hot one, so at night, around 2 am you gave up on sleep and went out onto the balcony that connected your room and Van´s. you just sat there for a few minutes, staring up at the sky, enjoying the soft breeze, until you heard a door creaking and saw Van stepping out. once she saw you she said “oh, I´ll leave you be”, but before she could turn around you said “no, please, come sit!”, patting the empty space next to you on the bench. for a brief second she thought of saying no, knowing that she was getting herself into trouble, seeing you sitting there barely clothed, but she couldn´t do it, she gave in, nodding, sitting down next to you, consciously keeping her knee from touching yours.

“can´t sleep either, huh?” you asked, she shook her head “no, it´s still so fucking hot” running her hands through her hair, wiping some sweat off her forehead. she looked even more attractive to you then than during the day, something about seeing her in that more intimate light.

you agreed “yeah it is”, reaching for your glass of ice water on the table, holding it out to her,“here, have the rest”, she looked at you for a moment, realizing that you were daring her to agree to the casual intimacy of sharing a drink. she took the glass and downed what was left in it in one big gulp, sighing afterwards, “that´s better”, pressing the cold glass against her face for a moment, closing her eyes, soaking it up. you kept looking at her from the side, at her freckles that were very prominent during summer, her nose and cheeks that were a little red from the sun, barely a few inches from your own face. Van could tell you were staring and smiled to herself before setting down the glass and turning to look back at you, “you know, you´re really lucky your parents are so fucking oblivious”. 

“what do you mean?” you asked, your grin giving away that you knew exactly what she meant. she shook her head, “well, you´re not very subtle, let´s put it that way”, she said, her eyes searching yours for a reaction, you shrugged, returning her gaze, “who said I was trying to be?”. 

she kept looking at you, stunned by the sudden confession, “come on. you could be out there with a nice girl your age right now, why don´t you do that, hm?”, she meant it, she was puzzled by your stubborn pursuit, your almost absurd level of flirting, and you realized you had to make it clear to her: that you truly wanted her, that it wasn´t just a game or a fun way to pass the time for you. 

so you shook off any shame that was left in you and leaned closer, placing your palm flat against her thigh, feeling her wince for a moment, her eyes wide, your voice low and quiet, your fingers lightly tracing her skin, a shudder down her spine, “why would I go out there, when I have someone I want right here?”. Van´s breath heavy at that point and you were cruel with it, running your hand up her thigh until she couldn´t take it anymore and grabbed your wrist to stop you. the moment she did that she saw your expression change in an instant, the impact of her touch immediately visible all over your face and it was done, she needed more of that, much more. a sudden clarity: I need to fuck this girl or I´ll go insane. 

she let go of your hand, and reached for your face instead, pulling you in for a kiss, not gentle but hard, determined, the kind that says this is what you asked for, immediately more sexual than romantic, open mouthed, needy, frantically groping at each other within seconds, you pushing yourself up against her, almost climbing onto her lap. the desperation got sounds out of you that quickly became too loud to stay out in the open, you both realized it at the same time and pulled away, panting. “come to my room” you begged her “please”, she nodded, not in the position to deny you any of your wishes, still out of breath, so you pulled her up, leading her inside, closing the door behind you. 

the second you turned around she was all over you again, any hesitation gone by that point, her hands on your lower back, pulling your shirt up, you doing the same to her, both of you tearing the other person´s top off, making out chest to chest for a moment, savoring the feeling, hands roaming, before it got too hot for any stitch of clothing to remain on your bodies. 

Van often stayed somewhat dressed during hook ups, not loving the vulnerability of being totally exposed, but with you it felt different, she didn´t think twice, shorts and underwear quickly piled onto the other clothes on the floor, both of you taking in the sight of the other person for a second,“god you´re fucking beautiful..” Van marveled, as she stepped closer, making you back up onto the bed. 

you laid down flat on your back as she climbed over you, leaning down, trapping you with her arms, seeing you smile up at her, visibly pleased by your successful move on her, a cocky grin spreading across her face that suited her, “you really were dying for this huh?” a teasing tone. Van clearly enjoyed the power she had over you, and you didn´t mind at all, letting her enjoy the feeling of having you at her mercy as she briefly traced your lips with her thumb, feeling you open your mouth for her, the tip of your tongue against her fingers, her eyes turned darker as she watched you turn all submissive and sweet for her, violently turned on by it, before you pulled her down to kiss her again, but Van had other plans. she gave you a few feverish kisses before moving down to your chest, her flat tongue running over one of your tits in broad strokes as she grabbed the other one, an audible “fuck..” from you as she started sucking on the sensitive skin, so eagerly that she was definitely gonna leave a mark or two but she didn´t care, it was too intoxicating, your soft skin between her lips, her tongue circling your nipple, you biting down on your lip to suppress moans that would be too loud, hands in her hair, messing it up as she hummed against your skin, leaving your chest glistening with her spit, so deeply into it that she couldn´t help but lightly bite down a few times, forcing a whimper out of you, practically claiming her territory with the red splotches that were blooming on your skin because of her. 

after a while you couldn´t just lay there squirming under her anymore, you had to do something so you moved to switch, flipping her over and straddling her, kissing her neck as her hands settled on your waist, holding you in place. you were so desperate for her by that point hat you started grinding against her thigh, she could feel you slick against her skin but you were still holding back a little but she reassured you,“don´t be shy with me, I can handle it” moving her leg up a bit to add pressure, you were kissing again by then, moaning into her mouth as you moved on top of her, the friction creating a deep throbbing feeling at your core, a groan from her as she felt how soaked you were getting, spreading it all over her leg, but it wasn´t enough, you needed more, you wanted to really feel her, you were almost whining from it, all delirious with want, “what do you need, hm? tell me sweetie” she cooed, wanting you to get off,“can we-” you weren´t at a place to speak anymore, so you just showed her by getting yourself into position. 

she could see what you were trying to do, helping you by adjusting her legs, making space, almost scared for a second that the sensation would overwhelm her and she was right: the moment you hooked your leg over hers and angled your hips in a way that made your cunts rub up against each other she whispered “oh fuck..” trying to remain somewhat calm but it was too intense, too good, the feeling of your wetness mixing with hers, the warmth of your core spreading into hers, the blurring of where yours ended and hers began, she had to work hard not to remain somewhat composed.

“good?” you inquired, seeing her nod as she let out a breathy “yeah, perfect” as you grabbed her leg and started adding movement to it, rocking against her, feeling her match the motion, a shared loud gasp as your clits met, a shared effort to stay at that exact angle, your hips moving faster then, both of your fingers digging into the other one´s leg to hold on, Van was trying hard not to fully lose her mind but the sensation of you grinding against her as she saw your face twisted in pleasure, your skin glistening in the dim light, the vague outline of the bruises that she´d left on your tits, your whole naked body hers to take in, it was all driving her insane with lust.

she realized that you´d had the exact right idea, after a long hot day it was the best thing, not to exhaust your jaws or arms but to just rub up against each other needily, a sensuality to it that made the whole thing feel like a dream, the room silent except for the the vulgar sound of your soaked lips moving against each other and your barely contained moans, “fuck just like that dont stop” you begged as you found just the right rhythm, your nails digging into her flesh, the kind of pain that just turned her on even more, she couldn´t deny herself the chance to see you unravel completely, so she took the order and added more force to her movement, your clit throbbing by that point, hers too, “you feel so fucking good” she praised “so good..”, breathless as both of you could feel your orgasms approaching, “fuck Van I´ll cum” you uttered, watching her pretty long hair falling down over her chest, you reached out to touch her as you pracitcally rubbed yourself raw against her, your whole body vibrating and hot by that point, and as she felt your fingers pressing into the flesh of her tits she knew she´d finish soon too, locking eyes with you, both of you sensing that the other person was very close to the edge, staring into each other´s soul´s as your pace became faster and your movements more erratic, the eye contact driving you wild, it was pure bliss, seeing the person you´d lusted after being overcome with pleasure because of you, a simultaneous deep shudder going through your bodies as you came against each other, your cunts clenching, your hips sore by that point, slowing down once you were truly finished, breathing a little steadier then, detangling your shaking legs. 

you moved to lay down next to her, spent, sweating, but somehow still in heat, so you moved your hand down to her wetness after not having used your hands on her yet and she did the same immediately. you faced each other as you both slid your fingers over the other´s slick heat, drenched by that point, almost leaking down your thighs, savoring the proof of your fucking for a moment, a sudden wordless agreement: let´s cum again. you teased her clit, mirroring what she was doing to you, her hot breath against your face, closing the distance for a sloppy kiss, sighing as you made out and felt the other person´s hand quickly drawing out another orgasm, shoulder to shoulder as the second climax got a few final broken up moans out of you. the first high was more violent but the second was what you needed to feel truly satisfied, to calm down. 

after a moment of letting yourself lay there, you put your hands on her stomach, placing your chin on top of them, smiling up at her all flushed and content, “was I really that obvious?” she cocked her head, slowly coming to her senses again“no, not at all. you were just blatantly eye fucking me across the dinner table. no big deal”, “I was admiring you”, you corrected, feigning innocence, batting your eyelashes at her, she nodded, “right sure, you tell yourself that”.

you propped yourself up on your elbow once you regained some strength, looking at her laying next to you, “the walls are super thin by the way, so they definitely heard us”, a serious tone, watching the utter shock in her expression for a moment before a grin spread across your face that gave away that you were just fucking with her. she playfully slapped your arm then, “okay very funny. you´re not the one who´d get your fucking ass kicked for this”, you laughed, gently brushing a strand of hair out of her face,“oh don´t worry, I´d protect you”, she nodded, her tone laced with irony “right, that´s very romantic of you, really”, but she cracked a smile too then, shaking her head “you really are something else..” reaching out to trace your outline with her index finger, “you were fucking playing with me these past few days, huh? that was torture”. 

you smiled, eyeing her, “oh yeah? that bad?”, almost a hint of pride in your voice, she looked at you, clearly charmed, “trust me, “my friend´s daughter” is not my usual type. I wouldn´t be this reckless for just anyone”, you realized she was sort of calling irresistible, “I´ll take that as a compliment” you said, laying back down again, “please do”, she didn’t want it to be a secret, that something about you was special to her.

both of you just stared up at the ceiling for a moment, listening to the sound of the wind in the trees outside, the cicadas, the soundscape of the night, until you spoke up again, “when are you leaving again?”, you asked her, “um, Friday morning”, you contemplated that for a second, “you know what I think you should do?”, a conspirative tone, she was curious then, caressing your arm absentmindedly, “do tell”, you continued, “I think by the time you leave you should tell them that you really loved it here. like truly in every way, and that you would love to come back in a few weeks”, she laughed then, realizing you were already thinking of missing her and coming up with plans to reunite even though she was still there, “oh really? and you think I am so obsessed with you that I´d close my store and drive a whole day to come back here?”, you considered it, “well, if I do things right the next four days I think that will be the case yes”.

Van couldn´t lie, your confidence and relentless pursuit were a mix that already had her wrapped around your finger, she wouldn´t have admitted it in that moment but she´d already thought about it herself: the reasons she might find to come back again. it almost embarrassed her to think of, that she´d fantasized about that, since she knew it was kind of fucked up but it was also exhilirating, far beyond what her dating life usually entailed. she wouldn’t have admitted it in that moment though, she was gonna let you believe that you were the more intense one in the dynamic, at least for a while. 

“let´s see about that” she said, a grin on her face.

“you know they´re gone at work all day tomorrow” you whispered, “yeah I know”, “so..” you added, she turned to you then, meeting your gaze, “so..” mimicking your tone, “you mean we won´t have to worry about any thin walls then, hm?”, you laughed, blushing, “exactly yes”, she pulled you closer, “well, let´s try to sleep then or we won´t have the energy for that. at least not me, I´m too old for all-nighters”.

you smiled, nodding, closing your eyes and leaning against her arm as you felt her fingers running through your hair, the air still warm enough for you two to just lay there on top of the covers like that for a while, finally at ease, after all the tension and exhaustion of the hot day had evaporated from your bodies at once, leaving you in a state of lazy bliss. 

[inmyhorrorsera]

S5E8 "The Roast" thoughts:

Ok, I watched this episode three times and I'm still smiling. I love when you think and episode is gonna be about something because of its title and then surprise you when its all a misdirection (see also: Succession's "Connor's Wedding").

At first Laszlo's err… state intrigued me, love everyone projecting and imposing their own insecurities (Guillermo's secret, Nadja's hex) as a reason on why he is behaving like that. And of course it's a stupid reason 😭.

"And a flat pepsi for Guillermo". Oh Nandor, that's the worst thing you ever done to Guillermo, that's the worst thing you could do to anyone. And yes, I remember a certain S4 episode.

I screeched like a bird when Colin mentioned dreaming about being a baby under Laszlo's care, not only because I wanted this shit to happen since the past finale, but also I really thought the episode was going on that direction (and also bc its another W for my predictions).

Having said that, LOVED the nonchalance of Nadja and the others when they were like 'no, it wasn't a dream, that totally happened'.

I mentioned it in a separate post: they really had a Sweet Dee in IASIP moment when The Guide gave the roast idea, only to be ignored and then the same idea being stolen by a dude who is celebrated.

Seanie's poor brain it should be soup at this point, we don't know if he can hazily remember the event like it happened before.

What can I remember is his line after Nadja's roast because it was one of the biggest laughs for me: "Women CAN be funny!" I fucking loved it so much, it's the perfect condescending shit straight men say all the time, even when they're trying to be complementary to you they can't stop being garbage. It was a simple line but Anthony nailed the delivery and timing. Seriously, rewatch that part.

At first I was confused why all the jokes were so mid, but shortly I realized this episode wasn't about the roast at all, lol.

Just by watching screenshots of other users I noticed that in the scene of Nandor resting his head on Guillermo's shoulder there's a BIG flame between them. LMAO. There's no way that is unintentional.

Good for The Guide being the catalyst of Baron Afanas learning the truth. I was demanding more screen time for her lately, so having some incidence in the main plot goes on the plus column.

The other guests present at the roast being shocked at the knowledge of Guillermo killing vampires surprised me; I always assumed Guillermo being a familiar/slayer was a known fact in the vampire community after his very public massacre at the Théâtre des Vampires.

Fuck yeah when I realized this is a Doug Jones spotlight episode, I just fuckin ahgdjkaksdf, love him, perfect, no notes.

The Baron being terrifying!! Guillermo was seriously scared for the others and he barely tried to show off his Van Helsing abilities.

Nandor and Nadja begging the Baron to not hurt Guillermo!! 😭 Them being dragged while grabbing the cape!! 😭 They're spiritual siblings to me!! 😭😭

They really reminded me a little bro and sis begging their mom to not hit their beloved older brother with the chancla for talking back or something.

I fell for the two fake-outs with the sack lol I'm so gullible when it comes to vampires I guess.

NANDOR PAINFUL SOUNDS (MOANS???) WHEN HE BELIEVED HE WAS IN FRONT OF GUILLERMO'S INERT BODY. IT WAS SAD BUT ALSO A LITTLE HORNY!!!

"At least he died doing what he loved: beating off in the toolshed."

A wonderful small detail: After Laszlo opened fake Guillermo with the knife he cleaned his hands on The Guide's dress.

Idc if you think its dark, the whole 'Nandor will kill you and then kill himself' bit becoming a recurring joke it's peak writing.

I wish I can say something more serious about Baron Afanas' sadness over how boring his life is now. But I just keep thinking that the way he talks about his homelife with The Sire and the Hellhound sounds exactly when a dude has a middle life crisis and suddenly he doesn't enjoy his marriage anymore. They're husbands!! And I loved how cunty he looked at the end all half-charred (see posted gif) Queen!

Now, the Nandermo of it all: What more can I say than incoherent screaming and foaming from the mouth? Episodes 8 are all about them again!! Nandor on the window looking all cliched melancholic heroine of a romance novel?? How relieved he was when he found him in the coffin??? Him still remembering Guillermo's card word for word???!! Knowing that this toxic dark sided devotion goes both ways???!!! Borrowing the words of Fleabag: THIS IS A LOVE STORY.

Seriously, I know all these soft Nandor moments are here so the heartbreak when he learns about Guillermo being turned it's even bigger. But still denying that there is a romantic undertone between these two it's just being purposely adamant at this point (i'm looking at you wwdits reddit). Even if nothing explicitly romantic happens on screen, just by watching these moments, I know, we know.

Now, go listen to the ending song again. You will not regret it.

[greenqueenhightower]

Hi I think criston and Alicent were at it up to when Viserys was alive. When Aemond lost his eye everyone is like where was criston and theres this whole byplay between criston, Viserys and Alicent prior when Viserys calls her aemma and going to bed. Criston is right next to Alicent. Tbh I think they've been together a a long time romantically and it was consummated at some point. It's all hidden and veiled references on season 1 that probably become clear season 2. Alicent had a crush on criston and you see the look on her face when he tells her about Rhaenyra it's like extra betrayal. I think Alicent is living out her romantic fantasies with criston. Through a historical lens Alicent and Viserys marriage was the norm and often these women took comfort elsewhere. We know it's wrong but that's what happened then. Even age appropriate marriages like between Catherine the great and Peter were unsuccessful. She had affairs and illegitimate kids. So Alicent having an affair with criston is no big deal. I'm wondering though if I'm wrong and they finally consummate it when b and c happens and this is what causes Alicent's guilt. It's not sex based but just the fact she and criston were sneaking off. He was supposed to be on duty and he isnt. It just seems there is a history of them sneaking off together already.

On Whether Alicent and Criston Have Started Sleeping Together Before/During Driftmark:

I also read about the theory that Alicent and Criston had started sleeping together as early as Driftmark, which explains their absence during the fight scene between the children. What's worse, the thought had crossed my mind too the second time I rewatched the show. The whole exchange between Viserys, Alicent, Lord Commander Westerling, and Criston as Viserys goes to bed seems too purposeful to be ignored.

HOWEVER, it still seems implausible to me that they chose this night to sleep together in a different place where they were visitors and guests, staying over to provide consolation for Laena's funeral. What I am saying is that even if they might have already started sleeping together by the time Driftmark happens, it is unlikely that they did so on the night of Aemond's maiming. Even Rhaenyra went away, outside of the palace to seek Daemon so that she could evade the eyes and ears of potential onlookers. If Alicent and Criston had been secretive about their relationship which had become sexual by the time they were visiting Driftmark, I very much doubt that they would risk so much to spend one night together in a foreign place. And especially if they had become lovers at that point (which I hope is not true because it would be too early) it's not as if they could not wait any moment longer and they had to sleep together ASAP.

On the contrary, this is the exact tension we see at Driftmark from Rhaenyra who is constantly looking around for Daemon, watching him from afar, trying to get near him. So, yes, there is more sexual tension and yearning in the air between Rhaenyra and Daemon who have not been together in such a long time and can't bear to be apart for a second longer. And this is why they seek each other out at the beach, forgetting all about conventions, being guests of the Velaryons, and honoring Laena's memory. This kind of yearning I can understand, and it is given such build-up and progression in the episode that it makes sense why they would eventually sleep together.

Now, why would Criston and Alicent do so? In a foreign place? Not knowing who might be watching and listening from whichever corner? Endangering their trysts? Unless Alicent and Criston sneaked away to some remote location to just be by themselves it makes no sense why they would sleep together amidst the Velaryon household. And still, it makes no sense why they would sneak out anyway, since the danger of being seen is real. So, I do not think that on the night of Aemond's maiming Alicent and Criston are sleeping together.

Now, I don't know how the writers will approach the topic of their relationship and if they will reveal by what moment it started becoming physical, but again I find it improbable that Alicent and Criston had a sexual relationship while she was married to Viserys because it was just too risky for her and for him. Unlike Rhaenyra, Alicent and Criston would not evade Viserys' wrath and judgment by Westerosi standards if caught or if there was ever a slight suspicion that their relationship was anything more than that of a Queen of the Realm and her sworn protector.

[moodsandtenses]

Dracula's Guest: in which a business trip gets off to a rough start

Welcome back to Dracula Daily season! If you want to kick things off a little early this year, why not treat yourself to a read-through of Dracula’s Guest? Cut from the novel in the drafting process (ETA: the specifics of where exactly it fit into the plot of Dracula are a little fuzzy, for complicated reasons), and later published as a separate short story, it takes place today on April 30, also known as Walpurgis Nacht. The whole thing’s available here, thanks to Project Gutenberg.

Some further discussion of this absolute wild ride of a not-quite-canon side trip below:

Dracula’s patented “when in doubt, address the problem with Wolves” strategy gets off to an early start

We join Dracula’s guest - unnamed in the story, but pretty obviously Rough Draft Jonathan Harker - in Munich, on the first leg of his business trip to Transylvania. If this had been part of the finished book, it would have really front-loaded the tension, giving Jonathan a whole Vampire Sidequest to get involved in before he even gets to Transylvania. A few fun facts worth noting here: 

The Dracula Daily community has done a lot to rehabilitate Jonathan Harker’s reputation, restoring his place as a courageous, resourceful vampire hunter and countering the pop-culture image of him as a clueless naif that’s persisted since the early film adaptations. Rough Draft Jonathan, meanwhile…well, he really is a whole lot more Like That. The whole first chunk of “Dracula’s Guest” mostly consists of him cheerfully ignoring a SPECTACULAR parade of red flags: 

Whereupon he burst out into a long story in German and English, so mixed up that I could not quite understand exactly what he said, but roughly I gathered that long ago, hundreds of years, men had died there and been buried in their graves; and sounds were heard under the clay, and when the graves were opened, men and women were found rosy with life, and their mouths red with blood. And so, in haste to save their lives (aye, and their souls!—and here he crossed himself) those who were left fled away to other places, where the living lived, and the dead were dead and not—not something. He was evidently afraid to speak the last words. As he proceeded with his narration, he grew more and more excited. It seemed as if his imagination had got hold of him, and he ended in a perfect paroxysm of fear—white-faced, perspiring, trembling and looking round him, as if expecting that some dreadful presence would manifest itself there in the bright sunshine on the open plain. Finally, in an agony of desperation, he cried: “Walpurgis nacht!” and pointed to the carriage for me to get in. All my English blood rose at this, and, standing back, I said: “You are afraid, Johann—you are afraid. Go home; I shall return alone; the walk will do me good.” The carriage door was open. I took from the seat my oak walking-stick—which I always carry on my holiday excursions—and closed the door, pointing back to Munich, and said, “Go home, Johann—Walpurgis-nacht doesn’t concern Englishmen.”

Abandoned village plagued by rumors of the Un-Dead? Carriage driver crossing himself repeatedly and refusing to go near the place? Even the horses are panicking and trying to get away? Sounds like a lovely place for an afternoon stroll! Sorry, I’m simply too English for foreshadowing. 

(Maybe this is just what comes of being engaged to Mina Murray, goth girl extraordinaire, who will later display the same “when in doubt, make a beeline for the creepiest local ghost stories” approach to vacation planning in Whitby.)

The inscription on the tomb of the vampire that Jonathan 1.0 encounters - who might or might not be one of the Brides of Dracula - identifies her as “COUNTESS DOLINGEN OF GRATZ, IN STYRIA.” Styria is, of course, the setting of Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu’s 1872 vampire novel Carmilla, suggesting a direct connection between the two stories that didn't make it into the final novel.

The tomb is also inscribed with a Russian translation of “The Dead Travel Fast,” the same line from the German gothic ballad Lenore that will later get quoted at Jonathan on his first encounter with Dracula himself. He just cannot get away from that quote (and the gothic heroine narrative parallels inherent therein). 

Jonathan is saved from his nearly-fatal encounter with Countess Dolingen by a very familiar wolf, before being rescued by a search party of soldiers (who are understandably pretty freaked out about the whole affair). The maître d’ of his hotel later reveals to him that he knew to send out a search party thanks to a quietly hilarious telegram from Dracula himself, who’s evidently decided to take proactive steps to protect his guest/investment/snack for later:

Bistritz. Be careful of my guest—his safety is most precious to me. Should aught happen to him, or if he be missed, spare nothing to find him and ensure his safety. He is English and therefore adventurous. There are often dangers from snow and wolves and night. Lose not a moment if you suspect harm to him. I answer your zeal with my fortune.—Dracula.

The whole story is obviously Not Canon as far as Dracula proper is concerned - and in particular, the more oblivious narrator here is a pretty far cry from the Jonathan we've all come to know and love over the past several time loops. But all the same, it's a fascinating look at what could have been, and furnishes some intriguing ingredients for Dracula-adjacent storytelling (thanks to that Carmilla connection in particular). And it is pretty funny to imagine Jonathan going through All That and then just cheerfully getting back to travel-blogging his trip for Mina like absolutely nothing happened. All like, “Well, that was terrifying! Anyway.”

[silverskull]

Chenford + they all find out (what should have happened in 5.13)

THANK YOU ANON, for inspiring me!!! I didn't have anything to add to this ep until your ask got the brainwaves churning. I hope this is somewhat enjoyable for you! As far as I can tell, in 5x13 Lucy wasn’t wearing her ring, Nyla was drinking, and Nolan doesn’t have a record player - but this is The Rookie. If the fans can’t take the same artistic licence with the facts as the writers, then what are we even doing here? I did research Camogie teams in SW USA, and that much is accurate. Songs mentioned in this fic:

Jimmie Rodgers - Secretly

The Romantics - Talking in Your Sleep

***

Nyla had won the battle.

Both sets of parents were taking turns calming their sleeping children, exhausted but unsettled in the unfamiliar surrounds of Nolan’s guest rooms, but still the TV stayed tuned for Nyla. It wasn’t the football game, but some terrifying Celtic sport, women racing across a grass field, armed with carved sticks, almost zero body protection and a ball so small it might as well have been invisible. Lucy and Nyla had become so invested that Tim had to remove himself from the sofa before they conjured their own sticks out of thin air and used his head for practice.

He instead found himself perusing Nolan’s record collection, the soft jazz currently playing on the turntable soothing but boring, and the whiskey gently flowing through his system suggesting something more in the style of a live country recording. The selection of records was so surprisingly wide-ranging that he almost didn’t notice Angela sloping up beside him until she bumped his elbow and swiped the Jimmie Rodgers album out of his hands.

“In the mood for some ballads, huh?”

“Not particularly.” He nodded to her glass, picking out another record at random. “Not in the mood for Bailey’s wine?”

Angela scowled, flicking the album over and skimming the track list.

“I drew the short straw. Driving all the babies home if the power comes back.”

“Right.” He said nothing more, but she glared at him over her glass anyway, and he smirked into his whiskey.

At this point, he’d been around pregnant cops long enough to recognise the signs, particularly in the breakroom: consistent supplies of decaf coffee, unusual varieties of dips in the fridge, and large boxes of Tums stashed in every spare shelf and cupboard. The last clue was Angela turning down Nolan’s wine when Nyla was also not drinking, and making bad excuses to cover for it.

But it wasn’t his secret, and if she needed time, he’d give it to her.

“Work go late at the courts tonight?”

Angela started digging through the records, elbowing him out of her way as she replaced the Jimmie Rodgers and began flicking through the cardboard covers. He smothered a weary sigh.

“Not really. It’s pretty consistent.” Sip of whiskey to disguise the boredom. “Just making the most of the A/C at the station. Plus, I can leave earlier tomorrow if I cross off a few extra files today.”

Having found something that appealed to her, Angela slipped the record out of the cover, again shoving Tim out of her way as she moved to replace the jazz on the turntable.

“Well, it’s doing something for you. You’ve got a whole new pep in your step.” 

Afraid he’d say something incriminating, he turned a grimace into a smile, covering with another drink from his glass. 

“Maybe it’s all the extra sleep you’re getting,” she added. 

Awkward pause. 

“How’s Kojo dealing with the heat?” She didn’t look at him, flipping the glossy record over in her hands as she decided which side to play.

“He’s in daycare. They’ve got a generator and they’re running an overnight special until the power comes back.” At last, something innocuous to talk about.

“Poor little guy.” Angela sympathised.

“‘Poor little guy’? He’s better off than I am! Costs as much to keep him there as it does to stay at the Four Seasons.”

She snorted at him, replacing the jazz and finally dropping the needle onto the new record. Some vaguely recognisable 80s band began clamouring through the speakers with the distinctive drum reverb and slap bass of the decade, melodramatic romance lyrics accompanied by high-pitched analogue synth.

“The things we do for someone we love, huh?” She turned to him with her fists on her hips and a smirk on her lips. He swallowed.

“I…guess?” He glanced quickly out at the room, but Angela blocked him, stepping into his space and punching him softly on the arm.

“I’m not talking about the dog, dummy.”

“Well.. I…” he stuttered lamely, before shaking his head and glowering down at her. “Then what are you implying?”

“Same thing as last time, Pinky,” she answered swifty, leaning in closer and lowering her voice. “You and Lucy.”

Two shivers went through him suddenly - one warm and happy, the other thrilled and jittery. He hadn’t heard anyone link her name to him like that before, and that it was one of the few people he was most eager to tell was sending little pings of excitement throughout his system.

He swallowed nervously, an uncontrolled smile tugging at the corners of his lips and his eyebrows rising in unambiguous surrender to her implication.

Angela’s face changed too - her narrowed eyes widening and the knowing smirk dropping into a little gasp of surprise.

“Wait,” she whispered, grabbing his arm, “You… you’re- seriously?!” She bounced on the balls of her feet, waggling the glass in his hand precariously. “This is amazing! I knew it, I knew it! When did you- wait, what- no, tell me-”

He interrupted her with a shushing motion, jutting his jaw out at the crowded room behind her.

“We haven’t really told anyone yet, okay? Just… just give it some time.” He was grinning now, his eyes catching the sparkle of Lucy’s ring across the room as she ran her fingers through her hair.

“Fine. Fine.” Angela acquiesced with a theatrical sigh. “I won’t say anything. Yet.” She took a gulp from her water glass, clinking it against Tim’s whiskey along the way. “But you and I are going out for drinks ASAP, and you’re gonna tell me everything.”

Tim rolled his eyes at her, turning back to the record collection and making room for Angela to lean in beside him, flicking contentedly through the discs together.

***

“Hurling.”

“Not hockey?”

“Not hockey. But again, this one is camogie.” “Not hurling?”

“Ugh.” Nyla dropped her head wearily onto the back of the couch. “Can’t you just watch it and appreciate the skill?”

Lucy grinned, tapping her ring against her glass of tequila, and turning her attention back to the game on the TV.

“And there’s really nowhere to see it live in LA?”

“Not that I know of. My girlfriend plays down in San Diego. I’ll link you up with her if you wanna check it out sometime.”

“Mmm. That could be nice. Weekend road trip.” Lucy’s mind wandered from the game on the screen to a sunny drive along the coast, winding roads beside the ocean, salt breeze in her hair, and her hand laced across the console with Tim’s, his smile bright and his skin warm against her own.

She had clearly daydreamed too loudly, because when she clicked back into the present, Nyla was gazing over at her, a knowing smirk pinching the dimples in her cheeks.

“Chen. I’d never have reckoned you for a sports fan.”

Lucy could feel the heat rising along her neck, and she covered it with a dip of her head and a sip from her glass.

“I’m cultured! Besides, it turns out I might have some Irish ancestry back along the way…”

“Mm-hmm,” murmured Nyla, evidently not buying it. “Don’t we all.” She sat up straighter and tipped her glass towards the other side of the room, where Tim and Angela were huddled together over Nolan’s record player. “And it’s got nothing at all to do with Bradford’s sudden change of career, or your urgent need to get him back into the thick of things, huh?”

“No!” Lucy answered quickly - far too quickly. She blinked and bit her lip, dropping her eyes cagily to the coffee table in front of them, leaving down her glass and shuffling through the magazines for something to do with her hands.

“Girl.” She could feel Nyla’s eyes boring into the back of her head, and she sighed, taking a minute to compose herself before turning to look over her shoulder. “What makes you think you could ever get away with lying to me?”

Nyla spoke with humour, but there was truth in it too. Not only was she essentially Lucy’s UC mentor, but she was one of the most perceptive detectives Lucy had ever met, and the facts that she had pointed out about them weren’t exactly the paragon of subtlety.

“...Okay.” Lucy whispered at last. Nyla leaned forward, raising her eyebrows and opening her mouth, and Lucy grabbed her wrist hurriedly to silence her. “Okay, but shhh!” 

“I’m ‘shh’, I’m sat!” Nyla argued, gesturing vigorously with her free hand. “Now spill!”

“Well-” Lucy stopped, suddenly stumped, a sheepish smile playing on her lips. “We’re… together. We have been for a while. We just wanted…I guess we just wanted to keep it to ourselves for a bit. See how things would play out.” “Right,” agreed Nyla, nodding wisely. “And given the game of Career Switcheroo we’ve been playing here tonight, I take it things are going well?”

“Oh my god!” Lucy groaned, gripping Nyla’s arm tightly. “It is amazing, Nyla! I don’t know why it took me so long to realise it, but…” she trailed off, running a hand through her hair as she smiled earnestly at Harper.

“You’re happy,” finished Nyla, chuckling and placing her hand on top of Lucy’s. “And clearly, so is he.” She leaned in close, knocking her forehead lightly against Lucy’s. “I’m really glad for you, you know? Both of you. You deserve this.”

Lucy didn’t think it was possible, but she felt her grin grow even wider, mouthing a silent ‘thank you’ at Nyla through her smile.

“Now.” Nyla pulled back, leaving her drink down on the table and rubbing her hands together pragmatically. She glanced quickly across the room at Tim, then leaned in close to Lucy, lowering her voice to a whisper. “This Fuji retirement situation? I think I have an idea…”

***

Unexpected though it had been, it had turned into quite a pleasant evening, and Nolan happily saluted Nyla and James as they swapped out with Wesley for baby-soothing duty.

Wesley sidled up to Angela, who was still guarding the record collection and humming softly to herself. He slipped his arms around his wife’s waist, pulling her into a gentle sway along the rhythm of the music. Angela smiled up at him, pecking him quickly on the lips before tucking her head under his chin and squeezing herself tightly against him.

“Aww… they really are super cute together,” Bailey murmured at his side. “I’m glad things are finally working out for them.”

“Me too.” Nolan agreed, circling his own arm around Bailey’s waist. “Between La Fiera and Elijah - not to mention everything in between - they’ve had it pretty rough.”

Bailey frowned up at him, confused. “Wait, Elijah’s after them now too?”

“Well… yeah?” Nolan paused to think, making sure he had the details straight. “Yeah. Since Wesley cut a deal with him to save Angela - you remember that?”

They both looked over at the couple dancing at the record player, swaying slowly in time with the music, then Bailey snorted loudly.

“I’m not talking about Angela and Wesley!” she laughed, poking him in the ribs. “I’m talking about them. Cuddled up on the couch.”

She tipped her head towards the sofa, the channels on the TV scrolling quickly through a variety of sporting fixtures as Lucy jabbed the remote mercilessly at the screen and Tim tried and failed to pull it from her hands.

Nolan pulled a face. “What, Tim and Lucy? No. No they’re just…”

As he watched, Tim finally got hold of the remote, pulling both it and Lucy into his chest, where she wheezed out a soft chuckle, punching him lightly in the stomach, before curling her feet up under her and nestling comfortably into his side. Tim swapped the remote into his other hand, reaching his free arm across the back of the couch and trailing his fingers down along Lucy’s back and through her loose hair. 

“...Honey?”

Bailey tapped him gently under his chin, and Nolan realised that his jaw had fallen completely open in utter astonishment, and he clamped it shut with a snap, shaking himself out of his stupor. 

“Wait, you really didn’t see that coming?” Bailey was gazing up at him, half amused, half concerned, her eyebrows all but forming a question mark on her face.

“I… I-I…” Nolan stammered, bewildered. “I honestly thought they didn’t even like each other! Tim used to be such an asshole to her, and Lucy did nothing but complain about him all the time. How has this happened?!”

“Oh, honey.” Bailey gave him a look of resigned compassion, pouting at his obvious naivety. “Even since I first met them, he’s always put her before everyone else; and she’s had him completely wrapped around her little finger.” 

“How did I miss this?” he asked, still reeling. Bailey sighed heavily.

“Let’s just say your interpersonal skills lie in empathy and communication rather than gossip, hmm?” she suggested, turning his head away from the living room and back to face her. “And focus on a relationship you do know about?”

“Okay… Okay.” Still somewhat shaken, Nolan looked down at his girlfriend - his fiancée, he corrected himself - and decided that if anyone could take his mind off his failings as an off-duty detective, it was Bailey.

“Okay. But if anyone else in this group starts dating, give me a heads up before they start making out on my couch? Please?”

Bailey chuckled in amusement, and pulled him in for a kiss.

***

“What are you doing?” Tim grumbled, shuffling distractedly in his seat.

“Getting myself comfortable!” Lucy said, digging her fingers further behind his back and into the cushions.

“It feels like you’re trying to give me spinal surgery - again. And I would know.” Tim glowered at her, the way his arm tightened around her shoulder belying his surliness. “Can’t you just settle down and watch the game?”

“I was watching the game - you changed the channel,” she argued, her fingers finally finding the edges of the post-it notes she’d been searching for behind him.

“That was a battle, not a game. And it was over.” Tim corrected her, pointing the remote at the screen for emphasis.

“Well, it was a lot more interesting than watching overly-padded men racing towards another ad break,” she countered.

“Trust Nyla to finally lure you into sports - but only something niche and obscure.”

Having finally tucked the last of the stray post-its securely into her back pocket, Lucy curled her arm around Tim’s back, tickling her fingers against the base of his neck, his hair prickling pleasantly against her fingertips.

She settled against him comfortably, the TV droning on in the background in a buzz of light and colour. The air was cool and his body was warm, and gentle strains of light Latin rumba drifting across from the record player lulled her into a cosy state of drowsiness.

“Hey.” Tim shook her gently, his lips brushing against her forehead. “You wanna get out of here? Go home?”

Lucy blinked sleepily, murmuring into his shoulder, “Power’s not back yet, I’ve set a notification. We’ll have no light.”

Tim grinned, raising his eyebrows playfully. “I happen to know someone who has about three hundred candles. We’ll have plenty of light.”

“Oh yeah?” Lucy was more alert now, sitting up straighter and running her fingers along his chest. “And what about the heat? How are we gonna stay cool?” Tim shrugged. “I was thinking of picking up a bag of ice-cubes along the way. I have a few ideas.” His mischievous grin set off a flurry of butterflies in her tummy, and before she could think twice about it, Lucy had stood, pulling him up off the couch with her and grabbing her duffel bag from beside the record player.

Angela and Wesley stopped dancing to watch them, Wesley politely bemused and Angela with a sly smirk spreading across her face.

“Where’s the fire, Chen?”

“No fire,” Lucy answered airily, “We’re just gonna call it a night.” She grabbed Angela’s hand, pulling her into a sideways hug and whispering into her ear, “Thank you for the assist.”

Angela nodded, silently sliding the crumpled post-its from Lucy’s hand into her own pocket. “No problem.” She grinned at Tim over Lucy’s shoulder. “You two have a good night.”

Tim scowled back at her, marching towards the door and yanking it open briskly as Lucy bade a hurried farewell to Nolan and Bailey.

She threw her bag into the backseat and started the engine quickly, and within three minutes they were on the open road and racing towards Elmhurst Drive and her apartment. The night was still hot, but Lucy knew the heat tingling along her skin had almost nothing to do with the temperature of the sweltering air, and everything to do with the man in the truck ahead of her.

And even as part of her schemed and plotted to clear a path for him from courts to metro, the rest of her shivered in anticipation of yet another night together with him.

Because regardless of where he ended up in the LAPD, she was fast coming to realise that the one place she knew she always wanted him to be was right. 

by. 

her. 

side.

[go-scottishgal14]

UK Times skewers H&M...

After a month of glorious silence, Meghan’s back — as wronged and stoic as ever

Hilary Rose

Wednesday October 05 2022, 12.00pm, The Times

Because I always strive to be a happy little elf, I will start with the happy news. It’s been four weeks, nearly a whole month of glorious silence, since the last episode of Meghan’s podcast.

To recap, previous episodes proved to be the most persuasive argument ever heard for living off-grid. The Duchess of Sussex delayed the next one until the official mourning period for the Queen was over and, to be fair, a month without Meghan is surely what the Queen would have wanted.

But all good things must come to an end and now she’s back, as wronged and stoic as ever, telling the sad truths we must all take on board if we are to become better people. Or something. I won’t lie, these are tough times to be a happy little elf, although the news this week that she employs a fact-checker on the podcast is beyond parody and cheered me up no end. Is one enough? Will she ever develop the ability to fact-check before she opens her mouth?

● Meghan Markle’s Archetypes podcast review — almost entirely preposterous

In this episode, she starts strongly, if incomprehensibly, with ghormeh and larb. Apparently they’re foodstuffs. Her guest is Margaret Cho, a successful Asian-American actress, activist and comedian. Cho has many interesting things to say about the perceptions and stereotypes surrounding Asian-American women, and whole seconds go by in which she is allowed to say them uninterrupted.

Ultimately, though, it falls to Meghan to point out that “all people” are multidimensional and layered, although no mention of elves, which makes me wonder if I am truly seen. She also confides that she loves Los Angeles because it is “full of culture”, which makes me sad, not happy, because if only we had some culture of our own, maybe she’d have stuck around.

It’s been a busy time for the Sussexes. Watching the Queen’s funeral, did they recall hitting back at her with the jibe “Everyone can live a life of service”? Probably not. The brand building is going brilliantly, though, or at least better than that tin-eared visit to a Californian cemetery on Remembrance Sunday.

Only yesterday, in a last desperate plea for privacy, they released new photographs of themselves. Meghan goes for smouldering stateswoman. Harry, bless him, manages something closer to gormless or, in the word of royal biographer Hugo Vickers, sad.

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex were pictured holding hands before attending the opening ceremony of One Young World in September -- MISAN HARRIMAN

Back home in California, there are reports that they’re trying to row back on the Netflix documentary that pays the mortgage, and that Harry is frantically trying to tone down his memoir now that his father is King. He might be panicking because it’s too mean about Camilla, as some suspect, or he might just want to bring it bang up to date with all the many slights he no doubt feels they suffered while they were here. Some were uniform related, as they always are.

My favourite is the story that Meghan had to be banned from going to Scotland, a country she usually flies straight over. Just this summer, the couple allegedly declined to holiday at Balmoral, when the Queen was still alive, but perhaps the fact-checker can get to the bottom of it.

They’ve parted ways from their American PR company, Sunshine Sachs, which successfully remained in their employment for more than half an hour and deserves a long-service medal with the P45. And they appear to have suffered the indignity of being NFI to the launch of George and Amal Clooney’s charitable foundation.

For legal reasons, we must consider the possibility that they were invited but chose not to go, before snorting into our tea and proceeding. The event featured exactly the sort of Obama-heavy guest list they’d like to be on, and it is exactly the sort of glitzy foundation, honouring worthy people, which they’re struggling to establish for themselves, possibly because the fascination with their navels remains strong.

We don’t yet know the pain they’re feeling about the continued uncertainty over Archie and Lilibet’s titles, but we can be sure they’ll keep it to themselves. Harry spent his entire life cursing his royal title, so it must be excruciating for him that his children may never get to experience the full horror of being an HRH.

Anyone who thinks, “Hmmm, didn’t he once speak about severing the cycle of genetic pain suffered by royal children?” must have misremembered, as Meghan once told a High Court judge. I will leave you with Meghan’s closing remarks, as rendered by the transcript of the podcast, which it warns is automatically generated and may not be accurate. Judge for yourself. I’m just an elf.

“Be yourself your full complete whole layered, sometimes weird, sometimes awesome, but always best.” Quite so. I couldn’t have put it better myself.

[man-down-in-hatchet-town]

Misery AND The World Has Turned And Left Me Here

Well, life is insane but I intentionally let my phone die and instead found the time to write up my thoughts on Episodes 12 and 13 of The Case of The Greater Gatsby! I know Episode 14 dropped today and I was gonna do all three at once but--there's sooo much to talk about! The notes I had for just these two episodes alone were...erm...generous in number. So, uh, spoilers under the cut and my apologies for the amount of stuff I'm about to say?

First off, WOW WHAT A PAIR OF EPISODES! New reveals! Even newer questions! Quips and lies and truths! A banger of a cliffhanger! Jon Cozart followed by my man Dylan Saunders in his Shipwrecked debut! THE RETURN OF ERNEST HEMINGWAY (the noise I made when I saw he was in this episode…)!! Well played, Shipwrecked, well-freaking-played.

So let’s start out with a bang. Here’s my Wacky And Unlikely Greater Gatsby Theory of the Day(TM): Sheilah was having an affair… with Mel. Think about it: We start the year with Sheilah and Mel hitting it off. It’s about this time that the unsolicited affections start. It’s later, when Sheilah starts doing things like going to lunch with Mel, that Fitzgerald begins to believe she’s acting strange and suspect an affair. Sheilah’s the one to make Greater Gatsby a movie script and then recruit Mel to take it on (proving that Mel was lying to/obfuscating the truth from Ford during “Hook”, by the way). And then Mel callously fires Fitzgerald from Grapes of Wrath for no real professional reason and with apparent joy, almost like she has something personal, such as jealousy, against him. During his final missive, Fitzgerald tells Zelda about some great secret he’s found to put in his screenplay and that she would “laugh as I’ve been dosed some of my own medicine.” While supposedly he could have found out any secret from any of the party guests, the implication is that this final, deadly secret is about someone doing to Scott what he’d done to Zelda. Did someone steal his work? Possible, but everyone knows about Darby rewriting Grapes of Wrath, so not altogether likely. So maybe, just maybe, one of the women he was seeing was having an affair behind his back. Perhaps Fitzgerald discovered once and for all that Sheilah was having an affair, with Mel of all people, and, with alongside his previously cultivated antipathy towards Mel decides to throw that fact into the screenplay, damn the consequences. Meanwhile, we know that TD would do anything for his beloved Mel, and he’s probably also a little resentful about being kept out of the social club. So he finds out that Fitzgerald knows about the affair and intends to reveal it to the world, and, to protect Mel from scandal, kills Fitzgerald and takes the manuscript. Knowing that they both knew about the affair would explain why Fitzgerald talked the way he did to the mysterious stranger at the end. And yeah I know, this whole theory is a little wild, but never let it be said that I’m afraid of a big swing.

(A potential argument against this theory is the pre-Thanksgiving recording, when Sheilah urgently calls for Fitzy and he goes to help her, saying “Blast, not again! I thought we’d put a stop to this!” A stop to what? If I’m right about Mel, the “unsolicited affections” likely would have stopped by this point. On the other hand, the “this” could be something completely different. Is Fitzy the first victim of the threatening hate mail? Or is a third thing happening? Because it’s hard to see what he meant by “put a stop to it” if talking about letters, whether written with love or hate. Unless of course he knew who was sending them?)

On the other hand, Sheilah is not the only woman in Fitzy’s LA life. Vivian starts the second episode by making it very clear that she gets what she wants. The Greater Gatsby script tells the story of a innocent young man arriving in LA to write movies before falling under the allure of a morally dubious red-headed woman. Was Vivian inspiration for this character? Or was Fitzgerald already writing a meaty role for his red-headed mistress, a role that someone like Willie couldn’t snatch away? (Meanwhile, I should note that while coming up with this Vivian-esque character is when Fitzgerald starts to accuse Sheilah of acting strangely. Maybe he’s deflecting his own behavior onto her, excusing his own affair by accusing her of having one as well?). Vivian also returns to Fitzy’s house on the night of his murder, leaving seconds before the supposed killer arrives. It doesn’t seem likely that secret Fitzy discovered is hers—that’s just not the tone of the conversation. But tones can be misleading. And Fitzgerald uncovering her big secret and putting it in his script would fit the role the Vivian-esque character seems to play. Regardless, Fig and Ford are right—Viv did lie to them and her angle in this whole case is hard to understand. What exactly is she up to? Did she see the killer? Was it Barnaby and that’s why she’s so sure? But why not tell the police?

And speaking of Barnaby—his icy warning to Fitzgerald was chilling and completely belies his earlier statements to Fig and Ford. It seems like our girls aren’t the only ones lying through their teeth. I’m really loving how this character turned out—he’s so charmingly dorky and funny but with these moments of darkness that make you understand why Vivian’s accusing him of strangling another man to death. Also I genuinely wouldn’t be surprised if his joke about the dead fellow soldier wasn’t a joke at all. Really, things aren’t looking good for either of the Nightingales.

Moving on from them for a bit, though, we learned a bit more about the Brigade and their thoughts on the Greater Gatsby. Fitzgerald gets the idea for Greater Gatsby, announcing his intention to fill in the gaps (which we know come to contain the secrets of various Hollywood insiders) right as he’s about to attend the first meeting of what will become the Brigade. We later learn that the Brigade unanimously despise the script (it’s not just Donald), so its interesting to wonder about the role they play in shaping its earlier development. Does someone spill secrets to Fitzgerald that they later regret enough to kill for?

On the subject of the murder, what about that license plate? “1ADLR1.” Something about it feels familiar but I can’t tell you what. I spent several minutes trying to remember who was called “Adler” before realizing I was thinking about the Planetarium Meredith Stepien works at in Chicago. Also, it’s funny that car expert and fussy neighbor Citizen Jasper Fox failed to mention such a loud vehicle when talking about Fitzy’s last night. Did he just respect the car too much? What is he hiding? Regardless, the murderer’s silence on the tapes indicates that they knew about their presence. By my count, the people who know for sure about them are: Sheilah, Vivian, TD, Mel, Dorothy, Darby, Ernest, and George.

Speaking of George Astrum of Astrum Appliances (Jon Cozart!), it seems pretty apparent that he and the Highwayman are one in the same. But is this a red-herring? Or is there even more to George than doorway robbery? Is it possible that he’s in fact the missing Eugene? Honestly, I could see Jon Cozart as the addition to the Brosenthal/Esther sibling double act. The Persauds also take a moment to let us know that Astrum knows about the tapes. Was Astrum actually an investigator doing recon? Could he be reporting back to the eventual murderer, letting them know to stay quiet incase Fitzgerald has his tape-deck going?

Which brings us to our final big plot thread: Rex's letter and Lex’s baffling subsequent disappearance. Why escalate with Lex Punchwhistle of all people? Were the Punchwhistle twins the original targets in all of this? Does that timeline even work out—people didn’t know they were coming until after Willie received her letter. And how does Eugene play into all of this? Is he behind the letters? Did Lex see the letter first and follow some hidden clue back to Eugene (we know she was following up on some leads), leaving Rex to assume the worst? Or did the leads she was following get her into trouble, and the threatening letter just happened to arrive at the same time?

The next episode is already out and I am SO EXCITED TO LISTEN TO IT!! Seems like it’s essentially the mid-season finale and I can’t tell if I should be excited, terrified, or both

Some stray thoughts because there was too much to pontificate about:

-Shout out to the LBD cast in these episodes! Obviously Mary Kate is amazing and Vivian is so much fun. DVG was a terrific centerpiece and guide through the last year of Fitzy’s life, and Julia Cho’s just been fucking killing it this whole time. Also DVG and Laura Spencer totally need to play love interests at some point so that he can have romanced all three Bennett sisters.

-Fitzgerald revealed that he and Zelda promised to visit each other in December. Is this just another reminder of how Fitzgerald’s life was tragically cut short too soon? Or were these plans for early December, and their failure to follow through on them, relevant to Fitzy’s demise?

-Fitzy was so real when reacting to the actual sound of his own voice. Every time I hear how I sound I die a little inside.

-That line about tape recorders being too fussy for Zelda’s “idiotic mind” is a major OOF moment. No wonder she has issues, if he talks to her like that.

-DYLAN! Didn’t talk much about his stuff cause it didn’t seem as plot relevant but it was such a joy to hear him and I really like Donald! One of Hollywood’s last good men!

-Fitzy was totally selling Greater Gatsby to Roger, right? The conversation with Ernest probably gave him the idea.

[fuesch]

Good news, everyone! I've finished the binge from hell (Criminal Minds).

What made it hellish was that I just could not stop. I don't know if it was also something about the show or just my out-of-control ADHD using this as an excuse to ignore my to-do list. And so this binge took under 2 months, which - FUN FACT! - is shorter than finding a doc these days to get an ADHD diagnosis from (the German healthcare system has such a good reputation, but honestly, shit's been going down the drain since before Covid - and I say that as a city dweller).

If you're wondering how my fragile mind managed to handle this non-stop input of murder and various forms of torture:

Ignore the cases or try to enjoy them as revenge fantasies.

Focus on the team and all the "Hey, I know you from this/that/everywhere!" guest stars instead.

Crochet while watching. I've made such progress, the first of my cherry-pit socks is nearly finished!

I can't believe how long it's been since I've properly watched TV: The season I'm most familiar with is 2! Since other factors hadn't come into play yet, I suspect what caused this was a deterioration in adhering to a schedule (hm, parallel with rl, so I guess due to not being bound by a rl schedule, I slowly lost the ability to keep up with the TV schedule) and my growing passionate hatred of annoying commercials which had led me to getting stuck on Nickelodeon (their ads were also annoying, iirc, but ... uh, idk, can't remember), a documentary channel and CNN (International, that is - such bearable commercials, they should be the model for all).

I liked all the women on the team, which must have been a first. I couldn't tell you a favorite, because every one of them is great in her own way. Let me point out Garcia though, for giving me back the joy of hair decorations. Huh, I thought not having NCIS's Abby in my life anymore didn't impact me, but Garcia made me realize that without Abby my encouragement was gone. Man, do I hate that I need continual encouragement to be myself! So there's another CM binge and the long-time-coming NCIS rewatch with making caps of my girls in my future. Maybe I'll make myself a motivational collage and hang it on the wall above my monitor.

Anyway, on to the team's men! *sigh* Those were mixed bag for me. I mean, nobody was really bad, but it did span the whole range of chest-thumping type (which ugh - although Morgan's relationship with Garcia remains the best thing, they were close and cute but not a thing and that's the queerplatonic shit I wanna see everywhere, fuck yeah!) to guy who's just, idk, there and the that's-my-boy guy. My boy was and still is Reid *pat pat*. And as a bonus during this binge he functioned as my Peter Maximoff substitute. He did that not only by being my fave, but for example also by having messy lightbrown hair. Which, sure, isn't Peter, but it is Evan Peters (I'd like to take this moment to thank the writers for all the Evans and Peterss they put in and the casting person for that one time we got actual EP), who usually is my PM substitute. Hmph, I didn't talk about Spence as much as I meant to, but where to even begin?

How did everyone feel about the revival? It wasn't bad, but it didn't quite feel like previous seasons. I'm not that good at finding out what is bothering me about stuff, so it might have been more things besides it feeling darker visually and too much swearing (I'm generally not against it, but after 15 seasons of it not being there, it just felt so out of place). I wasn't happy with the lack of my boy, but if there's one thing this revival did right, it was the absence of change in the meantime (except for what they put Rossi through), Reid as well as everyone else still worked at the BAU, we just didn't see him and Simmons because they were on assignment.

I kinda want to talk about ALL the things, but I wouldn't be able to remember all that I want and writing all that I do would take sooo long. So if anyone wants to talk about anything specific, I'm here.

[ingravinoveritas]

While I'm wary to an extent of season 3 potentially ruining the whole Staged thing (I always worry when things I liked get sequels), I disagree that the M/D chemistry was the only thing keeping it afloat. I was actually struck with how clever & well made it was, & genuinely funny. I can't remember any current 'comedy' thing that made such an impression on me exactly because of how it was written. So I don't agree with your view (as it seems) of Simon as some sort of leech/creative nothing.

Hi, Anon! Well thank you for writing in to share your thoughts. I do appreciate it very much, and am glad to hear other points of view.

So, it seems that I may not have been completely clear in what I was trying to convey in this post, with my thoughts about the news of season 3. I don’t think that Simon is a creative nothing, not at all. I do, however, think Staged was something that came out of a very specific set of circumstances. It’s important for us to remember that, as well as the fact that there was a lot of privilege within those circumstances that enabled the show to be made.

The world had already changed after the first series came out, and has now changed even more with the impending release of the third series. Michael and David are out of their homes, busy working. It is difficult then, in my opinion, to recreate that moment in time, especially when the limits were already being pushed with the second series. The guest stars in S2 were evidence of that, as it seemed like Simon was trying to fill the airtime by distracting from what was missing, and so I do worry that it will be a similar situation in the third season.

That is not to say that the writing was or is all terrible. Far from it, in fact! There were plenty of lines in both seasons 1 and 2 that made me laugh out loud, particularly because of how Michael and David delivered them and played off each other. The cleverness of the writing shone because of them and their reactions to some very silly situations. But whenever they weren’t on screen, the show would drag.

It was noticeable in the first season, and then extremely apparent in the second series. But what really threw it into sharp relief was how awkward the scenes were with the women (Georgia/AL/Lucy), though it’s anyone’s guess whether that was due to the acting (of one person in particular) or the writing. Simon got self-referential as well by having a scene where the women poke fun at his writing skills...but it doesn’t excuse the fact that he cannot write for female characters, and did not seem to know what to do when Michael and David weren’t on screen.

(I will actually give Simon a bit of credit, to that end, because Staged is obviously his Michael/David fanfic, and the fact that he doesn’t seem really committed to including Georgia and AL in it just makes him one of us. Haha.)

But yes...I feel like the limits of the show were already really pushed with the second series. It will be difficult to not rehash material from the first two seasons--which has already started with the promo photo of AL and GT having Georgia wearing socks with AL’s “happy breasts” drawing on it--and there is level of meta that just becomes cringey and annoying instead of funny after a while. I think we were on our way there with S2 and now may fully be there with S3.

Ultimately, I think Staged did fill a void when there was no other comedy being produced, and it did help many of us to cope with an unprecedented time in our living history. But keeping it going also runs the risk of making the show a continual reminder of a period in time that most people would like to forget. (I always think of  Michael in particular, who really seemed to be in a place of depression two years ago that was only alleviated when he was filming with David.)

I love that people have enjoyed and are enjoying the show so much, by all means. But I still think it’s important to look at Staged critically and to think about what it was that made it work--the writing, and Michael and David to bring that writing to life.

I hope this helps to explain my position better, Anon. Thanks for writing in! x

[ptolemaeacas]

The Sam woman coded thing bugs me so much bc like. I feel like he’s a very sexually violent character. I’m probably not wording this right but his relationship with Madison is terrible if you think about it (not just the fact that he killed her even ignoring that completely… he held a woman hostage for hours and then slept with her?) and I know this was supposed to be a funnie joke but sleeping with his au wife while pretending to be her husband… sex through identity-based deception that’s literally rape.

Being a victim of sexual violence doesn’t preclude you from also commiting it, nor does it excuse it.

And framing it as “women are victims of sexual violence, men are perpetrators” in a very literal sense (different from the concept of how the patriarchy is violent and has a sexual component that all people-who-aren’t-cis-men can be argued to be inherent victims of) is absolutely fucked up and flattens the show even further.

Both men (including pretty much every major character, I’d argue) and women (often not shown nearly as much sympathy or agency by virtue of being single episode guests) are shown to be sexual victims of the “monstrous other” (separate but related can of worms) in the show (it’s not accidental that demon deals are sealed with kisses often shown to be of dubious consent!)

if you can’t address that with at least as much nuance as this admittedly often-lacking-in-nuance-show you have no business trying to unpack that.

💀💀💀💀💀💀 no reaallllll

I think my problem is people will purport to care about, like, the misunderstood character, like that's the appeal of Sam. And then. And then they IGNORE ALL OF THE STUFF HE DOES.

Like. Dude! You don't even like Sam at this point, you fully made him up in your head 😭😭

The moral high ground about how /sam isn't abusive/ or whatever, and that Sam being a victim of abuse is bc he's secretly a woman is soooo fucked to me. 1) why do you think that being a victim precludes you from hurting others and 2) do you see how you're arguing that men are inherently violent rapists and women are inherently victims of sexual violence?? And were absorbing this bioessentialism uncritically????

Genuinely it's sooo upsetting and that's why I vet samgirl moots so much more than deangirl moots, because at least when I say that Dean's abusive, the deangirls don't try to string me up on the cross.

I had a whole little meltdown abt this this morning but, like, fully, most of samgirl tumblr is like actually triggering to me 💀💀💀 embarassing.

[talkingpointsusa]

"There is a nonstop war against men in this country": Charlie Kirk's antifeminist women's leadership summit was a truly bizarre and bigoted mess.

When I think about people who connect well with a female audience, the name Charlie Kirk doesn't immediately spring to mind. Considering Charlie's history of misogynistic comments like "young women in their 30's are past their prime", I kind of figured that trying to attract a female audience wasn't really a top priority over at Turning Point USA. Apparently not because Charlie hosted a whole "Young Woman's Leadership Summit" over the weekend where he and the 12 conservative women he could find attempted to convince women to vote against their best interests. Lets get into it.

TW; There's a pretty good amount of disgusting transphobic bigotry being pushed by Charlie so if you're uncomfortable reading that, skip to Candace Owens yelling about the Daily Wire towards the end of this post.

Charlie Kirk:

I figured that before we take a look at the kind of deranged nonsense Charlie's guests were spewing, we'd first have to take a look at the man himself. Charlie Kirk addressing a room full of young women went about as well as you might expect it would.

02:58:11, Charlie Kirk: "So, I just have a short remarks, then I wanna spend almost all my time on question and answer because that's the most fun and that's what drives the media nuts because, just so you know, I as a man am not allowed to give you advice. Not allowed, it is verboten, it is forbidden. So I definitely want to make sure we spend the most amount of time on that."

I love when all these right-wing media personalities go "Just so you know, I'm not allowed to do this!" and then proceed to do it with zero consequences.

Charlie's allowed to give advice to his audience members but I'm also allowed to make fun of and debunk that advice. Here's Charlie's bizarre bizarre attempt at connecting with a female audience in all it's unhinged glory.

02:58:32, Charlie Kirk: "There's a great book that was written in the 1940's, it is 1940's, by CS Louis. Anyone like CS Louis? I'm a huge CS Louis fan, great. And, Chronicles of Narnia are great, they're all terrific but there's one book in particular that I think is his greatest work which is called Abolition of Man and in Abolition of Man he warns that if you do not have an objective understand of what is good, what is true, what is beautiful, if you don't have the way, or the dow, or the truth to live by, your entire society will fall apart. Now, he was writing this 80 or 90 years ago, the Abolition of Man and if we are honest with ourselves they've done a really good job of abolishing men in western society."

This gives you a pretty good pulse of this entire event. This is the most masculinity focused women's event in human history. So, Charlie's decided that the Abolition of Man, which had nothing to do with masculinity by the way, was literally about what happens if society abolishes men. It seems like Charlie's about as good at media literacy as he is at propaganda.

The idea that men have been "abolished from western society" is absolutely ridiculous. While women have been catching up a little in recent years, the vast majority of the highest paying jobs in the United States still go to men. The gender pay gap still looms large with women being paid 16% less than men on average, meaning that for every dollar a man makes women on average are paid 84 cents. Not to mention the fact that the people on Charlie's side of the political aisle are trying to role back women's rights such as the right to receive an abortion, transgender rights, and the right to contraception.

Speaking of the political aisle, in the United States it's dominated by males. Only 28.2% of seats in Congress are currently occupied by females.

So in short, men have been so erased from western society that they; are paid more than women on average, occupy a majority of high-paying careers, and have significantly more political control in the United States. Keep in mind that this is basically Charlie telling a female audience "Hey, you know misogyny? That's good actually!"

02:59:25, Charlie Kirk: "But you should also have a bit of sympathy for them (American men), just a little bit, because from a time that many of your brothers and many of your friends that are men are old enough to understand what is going on there is a nonstop war against men in this country."

Nothing like a woman's leadership conference that's message is "women in leadership is akin to a war on men". Not content with merely being a misogynistic idiot, Charlie pivots to being a transphobic idiot.

3:00:02, Charlie Kirk: "We've been doing this for nine years and the first time we started the Young Woman's Leadership Summit nine years ago, no one would even know what the transgender thing even was."

Except that trans people have existed for decades. The reason that Charlie's audience might not have heard of trans people before a couple years ago is that they've only now became a political prop used by loudmouthed bigots like Charlie. The right always needs a minority to be hateful towards and unfortunately trans people have fallen into that role as of late.

Notice how none of these people ever talk about trans men either, their hate is always targeted at transwomen. Transmisogyny is the name of the right-wing media game and it's pretty disgusting when you think about it. Anyway, LGBTQ people existing is a threat to women according to Charlie.

3:00:54, Charlie Kirk: "In the last nine years we have allowed them to keep on pushing forward in a way where it started where, you know you disagree and I believe marriage is one man and one woman but I guess live and let live and first they wanted you to affirm and then they wanted you to celebrate and then they wanted you to participate and if you don't they are willing to destroy your life."

Pretend that Charlie's talking about black people or Jewish people for a minute and you'll realize how disgusting and bigoted this is towards LGBTQ people. Nobody is saying that you have to be a member of the LGBTQ community or else your life is going to be destroyed, hell there's nothing stopping you from being a bigot either. Look at Matt Walsh, he's one of the biggest anti-LGBTQ bigots on the internet and he's doing fine.

Most of Charlie's speech, if you haven't clued in by now, is just him having a temper tantrum about imaginary threats that right-wing media has concocted to scare people.

3:01:20, Charlie Kirk: "And we are now at the precipice of the abolition of women in America and that is why this event is so important as a message to the media and a message to people watching that you do not get to choose to be a woman, you are either a woman or you are a man, period."

This is just pure unfiltered bigotry against trans people. This is a guy who's so obsessed with freedom that his shows email address is "freedom@charliekirk" telling a minority group that they're not allowed to have the freedom to access gender affirming care, something which every medical and psychological association in America agrees is vital and often lifesaving for trans identifying individuals.

3:02:04, Charlie Kirk: "You can criticize men a fair amount but we don't really put up with the trans thing very much, we just don't. Like, women pretend to be men it's like, ok you're obviously not a man like, get out of here, we're not gonna put up with it. And we're honestly intolerant of it and that's intolerance at it's best, you shouldn't be tolerant of lies."

This is literally textbook bigotry and it's honestly stunning how threatened Charlie seems to be by the existence of trans people. I have trans friends who think about trans people less than Charlie Kirk and the right-wing media ecosystem.

Like, I wish I could say more about this kind of stuff but I can't. It's just the kind of bigotry that right-wing media always uses. Before trans people it was gay people, before that it was black people. If Charlie was around in the 50's he'd be doing this exact same speech about black people having the audacity not to ride in the colored section of the bus. This is the exact same kind of rhetoric as that.

Anyway, fuck Charlie Kirk and his transphobic bigotry. Let's see what one of his other speakers has to say.

Candace Owens:

I honestly am stunned that Turning Point USA allowed Candace Owens within spitting distance of a microphone considering all the drama that's surrounded her recently and the fact that Turning Point USA has been trying to distance itself from her lately but I guess when you're trying to host a woman's leadership summit in a movement that's notoriously male dominated you've got to take what you can get. Candace's speech is....weird and rambly.

01:33:44, Candace Owens: "It has been this system of psychological conditioning for women and it begins as soon as you enter the school system, you start to see these things, you start to understand that feminism as a term is all around you and is something that you are being force-fed whether you recognize it or not. And make no mistake, there is nothing feminine about feminism."

Yeah, you're probably starting to notice a pattern here. This event is basically devoted to bashing feminism and promoting transphobia. It's not really about young women's leadership at all, hell it's actively against that at times.

Ok, here's the fun part of this post. We've gotten through the bigotry, time for the bullshit. One of the more amusing aspects about modern day Candace Owens is that she can't let go of the fact that Ben Shapiro fired her. Get a load of this totally not made up story that she tells the audience towards the end of the speech.

01:55:31, Candace Owens: "You guys, the last thing that I am going to say strangely, this is such a crazy story, but as I was headed in here I got a frantic call from somebody. They called me and they said 'Candace, something very weird is happening. The Daily Wire has sent somebody secretly to record you, an intern, a PR intern, to secretly record you to catch you in a bad moment, a bad light.'"

Oh yeah, sure they did. That intern was actually hired by me - using the unlimited budget of a student journalist I hired an intern for the sole purpose of spying on Candace Owens. That explanations about as believable as what Candace is trying to sell here.

Ok, I'm being a little sarcastic there but so much about this story doesn't add up.

Who called Candace? Someone high up at the Daily Wire I'd imagine. If Ben "Wet Ass P-Word" Shapiro is hiring people to spy on Candace Owens I doubt he's telling it to the guy who pushes the muffin cart or the office janitor. If it was somebody high up at the Daily Wire, how did they get Candace's personal phone number?

Why would the Daily Wire need to record her speech in the first place? The whole things on Rumble and YouTube for everyone to access. What would they even do with that footage? Punt it over to Michael Knowles and have him do a segment on how dumb Candace is? This is the dumbest evil plot ever and while complete idiocy is par for the course over at the Daily Wire, I doubt that they're so stupid that they didn't realize that they could save the cost of a plane ticket and just mine for clips on YouTube after the speech gets posted.

The only way this makes sense is if Candace has her own plants over at the Daily Wire feeding her information and they told her about the Daily Wire's plan to waste their money on spying on a publicly available speech. My moneys on Brett Cooper, you can only take being called "Gwen Shapiro" by the majority of the internet for so long until you start to lash out.

That or Candace is lying, yeah that explanation makes more sense. This is why I wouldn't have invited her to speak if I was Charlie by the way.

Conclusion:

Well, that was Charlie Kirk's attempt to trick women into voting against their best interests. Just a lot of misogynistic and transphobic bigotry, pretty par for the course for the far-right.

I hope to someday meet the Daily Wire intern that exists entirely in Candace Owens' imagination so that I can hire her to be my woman on the inside over at Daily Wire.

Cheers and I'll see you in the next one.

Original Video:

“YWLS IS LIVE: Charlie Kirk, Alex Clark, Candace Owens and Lara Trump! #YWLS2024.” Rumble.com, 7 June 2024.

Sources:

“The Abolition Of Man Summary.” LitCharts.

Hurst, Kiley, and Richard Fry. “Women Have Gained Ground in the Nation’s Highest-Paying Occupations, but Still Lag behind Men.” Pew Research Center, 2 Nov. 2023.

Haan, Kathy. “52 Gender Pay Gap Statistics in 2023 – Forbes Advisor.” Www.forbes.com, Forbes, 27 Feb. 2023.

“Women in Elective Office 2024.” Cawp.rutgers.edu, 2024.

“Everyone Deserves Quality Medical Care Delivered without Bias.” American Medical Association, 16 Aug. 2022.

“Exclusive: Turning Point USA Is Operating a Secret Website Distancing Itself from Candace Owens.” Mediaite, 3 May 2024.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

I posted somewhat recently about being interested in the history of comedy as we know it today, how the “classic Edinburgh hour” thing developed, why it developed differently there than in America or other places. And I think the answer to that question would involve knowing more than I do about the alternative comedy thing, like the original one, from the 70s and 80s. Or possibly 80s and 90s. I think it may in fact have started in 1979. I’m not really sure. A man named Oliver Double has written some books about it but they cost a lot of money so I haven’t bought them yet.

I said in that post that I’m pretty sure Stewart Lee also knows, and if I were able to ask him, he’d probably explain it to me in a way that makes it clear he's really really annoyed at me for not already knowing. He’s always telling us about various “godfathers of alternative comedy”. Almost always fathers, though I have all the respect for the few women who carved a path out at the time. Bridget Christie also has a line in her DVDs show lauding “Jo Brand, Hattie Hayridge, Jenny Éclair, Victoria Wood, they paved the way for my generation”, so apparently that whole (former) family was big on crediting path pavers. I suspect Ted Chippington may not have been quite as brilliant as Stewart Lee believes, but in general, I do respect commitment from anyone to knowing their history and crediting the people who created the systems we know today.

Today, I heard Jeremy Hardy’s episode of the Comedian’s Comedian podcast, and I realized that would have some good answers for me early on, when we got this exchange:

Stuart Goldsmith: What do people most often get wrong about the birth of alternative comedy, for which you were actually present?

Jeremy Hardy: Oh, well there's a narrative - I mean, Stewart Lee, I'm very fond of Stewart, he's a brilliant comedian, but he likes to be the president of comedy. He always talks about the early days of alternative comedy, and he doesn't know because he was still at Cheltenham Ladies College at that point.

I wrote down that quote after I heard it, and then I listened to the episode, and about twelve more times I heard him say some stuff that answers some of my questions about alternative comedy (from someone who was, in fact, there, and is rather less condescending about it than Stewart Lee), though annoyingly I listened while walking to work so didn’t get the chance to write them down. It’s a fascinating episode, though. I really recommend it to anyone who’s interested in this, or just anyone who listened to any Radio 4 during the several decades that it was under Jeremy Hardy’s rule.

The News Quiz/The Now Show circa 2009-ish was my introduction to Radio 4, my dad would play it in the car and then I started downloading the podcast and listening to it myself every week, something I still do today. Jeremy Hardy might have been the most consistent presence on The News Quiz since I started listening to it – even more so than the hosts, since they changed, but he didn’t, as long as he was alive. Sandi Toksvig left, the other regular guests came and went, Jeremy Hardy was always there. With his socialist takes and light mocking of the whole idea that the concept of topical jokes were worth the airtime.

I had no idea he was sick or anything. I remember at some point noticing that he hadn’t been on for a few weeks, which was rare for him, but not unheard of, I didn’t think much of it. Then I was walking home from work one day in 2019, I remember exactly what intersection I was at, when I got to the end of my News Quiz episode and then-host Miles Jupp announced that they would be ending this episode with a tribute to the late Jeremy Hardy. He’s not come up on my blog much, but I do still think very briefly of him every time I pass that intersection. What a massive, untimely loss to good topical comedy and satirical comedy and all of Radio 4 and the stuff we don’t have enough of these days.

So hearing his Comedian’s Comedian episode was a treat, though sad in parts, especially since he kept making jokes about how he’s gotten old so his life will be ending soon (the episode’s from two years before he died, at only 57 so much too early). I hadn’t heard his voice in a long time, I’d forgotten how absolutely lovely he is. Just deeply unassuming, unpretentious, amiable and affable and friendly. He shared his views on the podcast easily and generously, and even when he was talking shit about someone (which he did a bit, particularly about Patrick Marber, the guy whom I only know about because Lee and Herring also hate him), he just sounded pleasant and comfortable and kind. Always making allowances for different people’s different tastes, expressing respect and admiration for the whole gauntlet of other styles, always having an interesting analysis. I could listen to him talk all day. We needed Jeremy Hardy around for longer than we had him, even though he managed nearly four decades in comedy.

Some of his stories were fascinating. Ruminations on British vs. American comedy, the different comedic styles he’s watched go in and out of fashion in his years. The rise of some types of jokes and the fall of others, and the branching off as it got bigger. The way things were easier when it was newer and smaller even if the ceiling was lower. The political comedy versus the deep personal comedy versus the observational comedy, and how everyone could get criticized for not doing enough of one or the other.

There’s a whole big discussion on heckling that I loved, and again, Jeremy Hardy’s generosity comes through as he says he understands the mind of people who do that and doesn’t hate them. Admits having heckled someone himself once, and regretting it but also using it to understand his audience better.

Listening to this was such a nice experience, in addition to answering some of my questions about comedy history. I just highly recommend it to anyone who wants to hear a nice and intelligent man with lots of cool experiences ruminate on those experiences with an excellent interviewer who got the best out of him, I think:

I've also just watched Arthur Smith's My 75 Years at the Edinburgh Fringe, his 2022 Edinburgh show that was streamed on NextUp. It's quite a cool history of comedy at the Edinburgh Festival, and alternative comedy in general. It wasn't the funniest show I've ever seen, but it was poignant and interesting and it did get a few laughs out of me. He sang some Leonard Cohen songs and recited some poems and those were genuinely lovely. And he told me some stories about the history that I want to know. So I guess there's also that, if you want a history of comedy but want to save more money before paying for expensive books.

[stevensaus]

The One About The Sexist Flag

CW: discussion of sexism, happy ending

A Guest Introduction

Hi! I’m Steven’s girlfriend. Well, one of them. grin Let me try to set the scene here so that Steven can tell you in his own words what happened. And the reason I’m introducing this post is because Steven was just gonna let it lie, and not blog about this… thing that happened earlier this week because he didn’t want to sound like he was grabbing attention for himself. I told him that I thought this is exactly the kind of post that needs to be written, though I agree absolutely with Steven’s reasons for not wanting to sound like he was virtue signaling. You wanna blame somebody? Cool. Blame me, cause hey, isn’t that what the patriarchy does anyway with “if you were dressed like that you were asking for it” and let’s not forget about shaming parents breastfeeding their kids in public, cause yeesh, who wants to see titties on display if they’re not solely about the male gaze? So we compromised. I asked if I wrote the intro paragraphs, would he follow it up from where I step out of the story? He agreed, and I’m going to turn the floor over to him after I set the scene for you. (It is, after all, his blog.)

Steven is a pretty standard issue middle aged white dude with silvery hair and definitive dad bod. This is important to note, ‘cause if elder Gen-X dudes can “get it”, friends, then there’s some folks who absolutely need to step up their game. I’m not saying knocking on a random stranger’s door is everyone’s cup of tea, and in fact, I was too scared to be in close proximity to even watch what happened up close and personal, but for the 3 college age girls who had gathered with me on the sidewalk asking what was happening, and myself (middle aged and feminine-ish presenting)? This man is who I want as an ally.

So there I was, minding my own business while walking through a city block of housing that is just off the University of Dayton campus, in the student housing - that isn’t (to my knowledge) University owned - and I spotted the flag in the photo. Apparently, “show me your tits” is an oft-cried heckle towards female comedians from rando dudes in the audience. I’m pleased to say that Amy Schumer kicked a guy out who did that at her show, and frustrated as heck to also say that of course she got slammed for it on the internet, along with a fair amount of comments shaming her body. Weirdly, though, I can’t find any mention on the internet of a spate of male comics being heckled with “show us your dick!” by audience members. That’s because this flag represents the epitome of male privilege, the idea that the objectification of women is perfectly acceptable, and a whole lot of other things I’m not going to spend time unpacking, because I’ve done more than my share just by existing. What I did do though was take a photo of it. What I did do is share it on social media because as much as I’d like to hope that the human behind it never gets so much as a pity lay in their life again… what I want to come out of it is an object lesson on how folks can be better allies in general. What would be even neater though, is if this particular human ends up getting a respectful lesson that makes such an impression that said human is in Steven’s place in another 25 years, knocking on a random stranger’s door and… well… this is where I step out of the story, and wait, with 3 college aged girls a block down the street, watching what happened.

Should I Flash 'Em?

Steven again. When she showed me the picture, my first thought was that I should probably flash my breasts at the guys when they answered the door. That sort of strategy -- playing against a bully's homophobia -- has worked for me before. But I don't like reinforcing other prejudices, even while pushing back on one. So as I walked up to the duplex, I decided to try a different approach. "Hey," I said to the male college student who answered the door. "That y'all's flag there?" I pointed to the "Show Me Your Boobs" flag that flew right in the middle of the duplex's divided porch. "No." He didn't seem sure yet if he felt more confused, annoyed, or threatened. He gestured with a game controller. "I think it's theirs on the other side." Dammit, I thought. I'd already tried that door, and nobody had answered. I adapted what I was going to say. "That's a shame," I said. "I was gonna tell them about OnlyFans and Pornhub, it's really much easier to see tits there than to put out a flag." I let out a half-chuckle. "Still, if I were you, I'd be pretty pissed off that was hanging up where I was living. I wouldn't want chicks thinking I was the sexist asshole." I saw "okay, boomer" flash across his expression. "After all," I said as I turned to walk away, "I'd think having that flag up would pretty much guarantee nobody in this building is getting laid." I waved, stepping off the porch. "You do you! Have a good one!"

Stupid Flag, Big Problem

There's three things I want to mention. First, yes, I was deliberately crass to keep the interaction "joking" instead of coming at them as hostile. Second, yes, I made an assumption that the person putting up that flag was both male and heterosexual. The odds do lean that way, but if they'd been female or LGBTQIA+, that would not have changed how wrong it was. That's because of the third, and most important thing: There were more than a few young women {2} on the street right there who were actually worried -- even scared -- because I was going up to the house at all. Women who had to be on that street every day, because that is where they, friends, or classmates live. It was not just social anxiety. The existence of that flag communicated "threat" to them, no matter the intent of the person who hung it. They felt threatened where they and their friends live. And that is just not okay.

Free Speech And All That

You can absolutely argue that those tenants -- they are living in student rental housing -- have a first amendment right to their "Show Us Your Boobs" flag, and you'd be right. Oh, it's a sexist microagression, but I don't think it is illegal. Hang it inside the house all they want to. But hanging it outside is mean. So I thought for a bit. One goes to college to learn. One lesson the University of Dayton students who put up that flag haven't learned is that free speech can come with consequences. They hadn't learned it yet, anyway. But perhaps they will today. I contacted that student's landlord, Leo's Quality Student Rentals. (Seriously, you should look at the inside of some of these buildings, like this one. It's absolutely gorgeous.) They knew exactly what building I was talking about before I finished describing it. The landlord told me they'd previously spoken to the tenants about it, and added that if they couldn't get the tenants to take the flag down today, they'd have their handyman go by and take it down. Those students expressed their right to free speech to be sexist asshole bullies. I exercised mine to say something about the bullies. Maybe those students will feel persecuted. Ganged up on. Even harassed by "the woke police." But then I think of all the other people on that street, the ones who constantly felt threatened and harassed. I remember that they were the ones harassing everyone on their street. I remember the paradox of tolerance, and I don't feel bad for them at all. {1} Creepily, it was unlocked, the TV was on, and there were even keys visible on a table from the doorway. I did not investigate further. {2} Female-appearing and/or female-presenting. Featured Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash Read the full article

[dyahere]

i just watched the mtp OVAs they were SO good especially the 2nd one

[epiemy]

Hi, I love your Batfam writing!!! And if you're still taking orders, would I like a headcanon where the reader is Wonder Woman and Superman's daughter and starts dating Jason? It would be amazing to read this! Thank you for your attention.

JASON TODD DATING A SUPERMAN AND WONDER WOMAN DAUGHTER

Warnings: Basic violence, mentions of sex and sensible themes.

Pairing: Jason Todd x Fem! Reader

Word Count: 1000+

A/N: Sorry for grammar mistakes.

REQUESTS ARE OPEN!

ok, let's start at the beginning (no, at the end, smart)- sorry I'm too much of a joke today;

I believe it's a consensus among the fandom that the three oldest members of the Justice League have already hooked up at some point (B, Diana and Clark);

With that in mind, one day our dear Amazon disappears from the League with just a note to Bruce letting him know that she is pregnant and that SupsTM can't even dream that this happened... B is not a billionaire vigilante for nothing, he understood the situation. and gave his word to keep silent;

during the 20 years that Diana remained on Themyscira, she trained her little girl along with Hippolyta and other of her sisters, teaching you how to behave, fight and most importantly, not depend on any man in your life;

the eldest never had a problem talking about Clark, so it was obvious that she knew at some point you'd want to meet her father and the famous Uncle Bruce, or (B)itchman - nickname you swore you'd never tell anyone;

imagine Superman's surprise to see a girl who is the exact mix of him and Wonder Woman standing at his door with a confident posture...

woman, you just broke the most powerful being on earth, congratulations;

anyway, when explaining the whole situation he clearly understood, but he also had to say that he is married now and that he has two children, one named Conner and the youngest, Jon;

you met them both on the same day, and I must say that Conner liked you the most, he loved his personality;

that's not why Jon hated you, in fact the 9 year old boy loved you, but he just saw you as his older sister just like Kon, but the older one saw you as a best friend;

coming out of sentimentality, you found the world of men extremely curious and thought that the most appropriate person to show you around was Uncle Bruce, so you were determined to meet the dreaded Batman;

as your mother was busy on a mission with the Green Lantern, you took the opportunity to visit Wayne Manor, a very beautiful place in your conception of beauty, but which would never come close to the island where you were born and raised;

before you even knock on the door, a tall, dark-haired, blue-eyed man looks at you in surprise as he recognizes Diana's features;

"Hi Uncle Bruce, I'm Y/N Prince Kent or Y/N-El" you nod excitedly and he gives you a slight smile, nodding in agreement;

"Hello Y/N, it's nice to finally meet you. Please come in, Alfred our butler is preparing a meal for us, but I should let you know we have a guest" he points out and you just nod, following him inside the mansion.

when passing through the dining room door you notice 5 pairs of eyes on you, and recognize the first with surprise;

"Kon you bastard, you could have given me a ride, flying is tiresome" you clap him on the shoulder, and of course the boy feels pain, you've inherited your father's powers in full and even the skills/training of an Amazon

"Ouch, I didn't even know you were coming here and I get tired too, Jon had to fly me in, believe me when I say it's pretty embarrassing to be on your 8 year old brother's lap"

the others just watched the interaction with a raised eyebrow, Jason was completely enchanted by her beauty and was sure he was dating Conner, he never liked the boy after all;

Dick had the biggest charming smile, he had a sense of who his parents were and we all know he has a CLIFF for tall women;

Tim was working and so he barely paid attention, while Damian just ignored the situation going straight to the point that everyone wanted to know: "Who the hell are you?"

"Dami! Don't be rude!" Dick mutters to the boy as Jason slaps the younger one on the neck saying "Shut up brat, leave the girl alone"

you look at the interaction, completely embarrassed that you forgot to introduce yourself, but then snap back into your dominant posture to wave to the boys;

"I'm Y/N Prince Kent, but you can call me Y/N" You say smiling and soon you notice the gears in each one's head trying to put the pieces together but then it helps "yes, I'm their daughter and you didn't know nothing because I was raised on the island where my mother spent most of her life" a chorus of Ah's was heard and the eldest soon came to give him a hug, he just didn't expect he would get a headlock;

"By Hera, sorry, sorry" you release him red with embarrassment "we were taught not to let men touch us without permission"

Dick is embarrassed apologizing to you while Jason and the others started laughing on account of their brother;

"It was my mistake, but I must introduce myself better, I'm Dick, the best vigilante here, the-" "Nightwing" you cut him off to smile "I love what you do, however you're not my favorite"

He soon raises an eyebrow "so who should it be" and you just point a finger at Jason and Damian who are smug on the couch "I really like Robin a lot but Red Hood is what really does justice for lost lives, I appreciate the change that he does it for the good of the city, and the other day I found him feeding stray kittens with Robin, it was just adorable" the two cited are red in the face but quickly hide;

after that interaction, you and Jason took your numbers and became extremely close, it was painfully obvious that you both liked each other;

Jay was the one who couldn't take the tension between you any longer and decided to take her to a special coffee shop in her old neighborhood to ask her out on a date, which you happily accepted;

going to your 2 years of dating, you just accepted that the apartment you started sharing with your boyfriend would be shared with 5 more people Dick, Tim and Damian, who would come after patrols to eat and rest (they actually love you and want stick around), Kon who loves to bother Jason and Roy who lives to call you sister-in-law and see you daily;

you didn't mind having so many people in the house, it was nice to have something buzzing especially after taking up your mantle in Justice League as Wonderfall, going up against Jay, your mom and dad who steadfastly disapproved of you getting involved in that world. After weeks of arguing they decided you were too stubborn to try to change your mind, so they accepted. Bruce knew from the start that you were a lost cause, so he trained you for months to be able to handle anything, even without your powers;

your relationship with Jason would be comical to say the least, I imagine him being a huggable bear and not wanting to get up in the morning, until you use your laser to burn off a piece of your clothing, where he usually drops a smart line like "if you wanted me naked, it was just asking for babygirl";

it's in this line that he usually gets a sex strike, since you were deathly late for work;

B gave you a position at Wayne Enterprise, where you'd be with Tim to help the workaholic kid, and he pays handsomely;

anyway, as much as sometimes your lives are crazy, you would be happy to have each other;

enough of this cheesy shit, if you want a part 2 vote, comment and reblog!