#and also with a community that (mostly) made me feel at home and safe

[panics-side-blog]

As much as I love preparing for pride month i am extremely scared of being hate crimed. Shit is getting worse and worse, i was lucky that i only saw one Nazi ,most of them where at a different part of the country and that people who looked at me in disgust keeped to themselves. But bigotry is spreading fast and i feel like the country is in this weird limbo of "we know it's getting bad but not bad enough to do something about it/only do a tiny bit that isn't really helping much".

Like in the whole city there is 1 police officer that works for identifying hate crimes for queer people and one giant incident of Nazis completely destroying the car of a gay man took like 4 months until they recognize "yes it was homophobia", even tho there where slurs and Nazi stickers on it.

I (hopefully) probably will be safe but I'm still really scared. My army knife won't do much if a Nazi will come to a pride march with a gun nor am I good at confrontations.

Please to all people here, be it gay,lesbian,trans,bi,aroace,black,brow, indigenous, Jewish,asian, disabled, neurodivergent,poor,muslim ECT stay safe my heart goes out for you all i wish you all a lot of strength and love. Times are getting harder and in moments like these we need to fight harder for the right to live.

Edit ; So I wrote it before pride month was going on and it stayed in my drafts because I forgor and guess what happened. I got verbally assaulted on the train :))) took me like a week to get over it and I feared for my live not even feeling safe in my own home. The biggest problem of it all this dude life's like 10 minutes away from me by foot (or something like that). Guess who is going to get pepper spray :))

[vigilantethot]

random headcanons about being Miguel O’hara’s housewife <3

Pairing: Miguel O’hara x fem! Reader

this is mostly SFW

Disclaimer: This is my first fanfic I’ve written in yearsss so pls be easy on me haha. Also the reader is black coded. 

It’s no secret that Miguel works too much. He is under tremendous stress all the time, so it makes total sense that he needs his home to be a safe space, and a calm sanctuary. 

Its also no secret that Miguel is a control freak. He has a schedule that he MUST abide by or he’ll go crazy.

As his wife, you have a HUGE part in his routine.

Miguel takes pride in providing for his loved ones, and early into the relationship he told you he wanted you to have to worry about nothing, to just do whatever your heart desires whether its art, reading, or just laying in bed all day. 

When you first got engaged to Miguel, it was super hard to get used to his schedule, it seemed like he was never home, and you often found yourself feeling useless and insignificant to him. 

Upon communicating this with Miguel after he was late for dinner the third time that week, he instantly made changes to accommodate you into his life. You were his life after all. 

He quickly made sure to start including you in his day, even if he’s at work. The last thing Miguel wants is for you to feel useless, and he would do anything to make you happy. 

Treating you like a princess makes him so happy. Everything you want, you get. Miguel has more than enough resources to cater to your every whim.

Found a new hobby that you’re going to spend hundreds of dollars on only to get bored of it and keep the supplies in your hobby room to collect dust? Sure, go ahead and get everything you need, he just wants you to find your passion!

Now lets get back to the routine: 

You two always started your days in bed, limbs tangled, your head on his chest, his hands rubbing your back.  

After a quick cuddle session, and maybe a little more than that, you two make your way to the kitchen, where you brew coffee, make his breakfast, and discuss your plans for the day. 

Miguel never leaves for work without kissing you at least three times, he says its to “clear his head.”

Miguel likes to keep tabs on you all day. He is a very possessive and overprotective man, and he will go to great lengths to ensure your safety. 

He's constantly texting, asking what you’re doing and how you’re doing. Always asking if you ate (if you didn’t you would be in BIG trouble, it seriously pisses him off when he thinks you’re not taking care of yourself.)

He also has a few cameras in your house, for “safety”. Mainly its just to watch you throughout the day to admire you/check in on you. 

He also always has your location, just in case. 

Miguel calls to check in at least twice a day. Hearing your voice and hearing you talk about the fun things you’ve done calms him, and reminds him why he works so hard. 

You really don’t mind how overbearing Miguel can be, he makes you feel loved and safe. 

Miguel loves to hear about your excursions throughout the day. You just got your hair done? be prepared to send him 100 pictures, and he will save every single one. 

Seriously, his camera roll is just you. 

You went shopping? He wants you to model everything you got, even if its just a bonnet. 

He loves anything you do to your hair, whether its a sew-in, braids, or just cutting it all the way off. He’s so lovesick he would still look at you with heart eyes if you had a bowl cut.

Before he met you, Miguel would never leave his work under any circumstance. But on the days where you go to the salon and look so pretty, he couldn’t resist taking a long break just to see you in person. Of course your fresh hairstyle would be tousled and unkempt by the time he’s done showing his appreciation for your beauty. 

When Miguel gets home, his full attention is on you. 

He loves to come home to you, with your apron on, music playing and the wonderful smell of whatever you made him for dinner. 

After showering and putting on cozy clothes, you two enjoy dinner and just talk about anything and everything. His eyes full of love and adoration as you tell a funny story about something that happened to you that day. 

He always helps clean up after dinner, often splashing you with water of putting soap bubbles on your nose while washing dishes. He can only show this side of himself with you, and that’s why his love for you grows more and more each passing moment. 

After dinner, you two normally unwind on your huge, comfy couch that he custom ordered just to be able to accommodate the both of you. 

You two spend the evening cuddling and watching TV, with him pressing lingering kisses on your neck until he takes you into his huge arms and takes you to bed, where the night can continue ;)

A/N: feedback? requests? message me :)

[transmascaraa]

Omg. I’ve been gone for so long, I have some stories to catch up on. So anyway I saw that requests are open and I just thought why not make one, you know.

So I thought about Genshin characters s/o needing to go to a stationary clinic for like 3 weeks, and they could barely communicate during that time. There were visiting times, but only 3 times a week, 1 hour long. What the characters noticed tho, was their s/o looking worse mentally and physically every time they visited and especially when they were finally out of that clinic, but s/o refuses to talk about how their stay there was. (Basically how it went with me when I had to go to a clinic for 3 weeks. I’m feeling worse than before)

I thought of characters like Neuvillette, Tighanri, Sethos, but you can also just do anyone you want :))

-🪶 anon

multiple characters headcannons!

you just need some time.

characters: neuvillette, tighnari, sethos x gn!reader

author's note: once again sorry this took a while i really hope you're feeling better now☹️ have fun reading this😭

✧ Neuvillette

-he had noticed you feeling very down while you were there, but at first he didn't want to think much of it, he didn't want to overwhelm you with thinking.

-especially at such a time.

-he decided to ask you one day, like to see if everything is alright with you.

-but after you just shrugged him off, wether you were uninterested or uncomfortable, he couldn't tell. so he didn't ask anything else.

-after you got out, he thought it was a better time to ask you again.

-"just a question, and please, tell me truthfully, how was your stay at the clinic? i'm only looking out for you." he tried asking.

-but seeing by your reaction and reply, "nothing special.", he understood that you didn't want to talk about it.

-and that's totally fine.

-but he was definitely a lot more generous than he already was, after all, he cares for you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

✿ Tighnari

-he didn't bug you a lot, either.

-mostly because he knew how to treat such things, he was basically like a personal therapist/psychologist for you at home.

-so he didn't force you to tell him anything if you didn't want to.

-he has asked you a few times after a while there, if you were okay, but dismissed it after seeing the way you reacted.

-thankfully, you got out and he took that opportunity to firstly calm you down from everything that has happened.

-and you seemed to have rested a bit, thanks to him, that's when he questioned about how your stay was.

-but you didn't react any better this time, so he just let it go and took care of you, made sure that you were healthy and safe.

-he's doing his best.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

♡ Sethos

-one of the sweetest bfs ever trust me bro

-literally brought you whatever you wanted at the clinic, if you needed anything.

-but seeing your mood was going down time by time, he asked you what was wrong.

-you being you, you didn't tell him anything, feeling as if you would burden him.

-and he understood that, so he didn't question any further.

-but it wasn't until you finally got back home from the clinic and only looked worse than the last time that he saw you.

-"love... what's wrong? how was it there? was it that bad?.." and again, you refused to acknowledge him about how you felt and how it was there.

-so he didn't push you any further, just treated you 10× better than he already did.(and he's one of the best bfs literally)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i hope you liked it and that you feel better at least^^

because i personally like it!!

and i hope y'all do too lol

| @mariaace <3 |

[shellxrls]

okay to complete the trilogy

here’s how jj fucks

okay so we all know jj is an energetic person, and this only escalates in bed.

he has ridiculous stamina and an even more ridiculous refractory period. he will dump three loads and still be up for more.

he also does not gaf if it gets messy.

he loves to feel in control, I mentioned this with rafe but for him it’s slightly different. he’s much less mean about it. Rafe sees it as a power trip whereas jj sees it as like “helping” in a way.

for me specifically sometimes I just need to turn my brain off and that’s exactly where sex with jj comes in best.

he’s not soothing like John b is, he just does not stop. and that fucking works.

he also very much knows what he likes, and will always make sure he gets that, but he’s also realllyyy good at making sure the pleasure is mutual.

he never had an off day when it comes to giving pleasure, he may but a dumb fuck, but he does know how a girls (and a guys I can’t even lie to you) body works.

he loves giving backshots! if he could choose one sex position for the rest of his life it would be having me face down ass up.

he goes fast and hard, and he’s a grunter. Always with the little punched out “uh, uh, uh”’s and it’s so so hottttt.

skin slapping and bedpost banging are the primary sounds heard other than disgustingly shameless moaning.

jj is a shameless moaner and he made me one too the little cunt.

if I’m not loud enough for his liking or if I’m tryna quiet myself down he will dirty talk the noises out of me.

he genuinely said “lemme hear those pretty noises mama, yeahhhh that’s it.” And I’m never. ever recovering.

he’s not into any kinks that involve deliberate injury for pleasure. like slapping or choking, stuff like that he hates in bed. simply because his at home life is quite unstable and he just can’t imagine ever doing that to someone he loves cause he knows how it feels. even if it’s consensual on the receiving side he just absolutely cannot bring himself to do it. As a very open and experimenting person in bed, choking, slapping anything of that type of action he absolutely refuses and honestly I get that. He also refuses any type of noncon.

however he can spank. though only EVER does it when he’s really mad or riled up, and even then he is so so so attentive. always checking in after every hit just to make sure it’s not becoming too much.

he is also very adamant about safe words. always having a safe word and action and always checking through them and agreeing on them before we do anything that involves deliberate injury or just anything particularly rough in general.

also makes sure to give very good aftercare after spanking or a particularly rough night. LOTS of kisses and praise cause he would absolutely eat away at himself if he thought I was feeling neglected or bad about myself cause of something he’d done. especially in a setting as vulnerable as that.

and he’s also very good and communication which surprised me. again he’s very adamant about never hurting the people he loves, especially with the way he grew up. if I’ve suggested something he doesn’t want to do for that reason he’s very good at voicing it and honestly I’m glad bc I would never want to make him uncomfortable.

he’s also v open about sex, and is always totally there to talk about it or hear new suggestions or anything that I need to talk about he will.

he is very into butt stuff!!! I am his anal princess I cannot even begin to lie to u. he definitely has not bought me as many butt plugs but you bet I’m gettin a nice one he saved up for every Valentine’s Day cause he’s jst a lover boy to his core <33 and butt stuff <333

he’s mostly into giving praise but sometimes if he’s particularly wound up a little bit of degradation is sprinkled in. again is very thorough with aftercare after the fact of these situations.

he’s also such a munch. like the munchiest munch in munchland. he owns a t-shirt that says “I ❤️ eating pussy” and wears it on a regular.

he knows just how to work a pussy with his mouth and its IMMACULATE!!! he can also eat ass too omg.

he lovesss using toys. most guys see toys as a competition, but not jj. this man knows what’s up. he has a whole ass collection of random ass toys laying around and somehow at some point they all get used.

his fav combination when I’m tired is being four fingers knuckles deep in me with a vibrator to my clit and ohmygollygoshgoodness. deceased.

he’s really into tired / sleepy sex too. though he’d never do anything sexual while I was asleep because as previously stated, this man does not do any type of noncon.

but like I say if one of us wakes up in the middle of the night then it’s sleepy, sloppy, tired messy sex and ughh <333

he also loves cockwarming mmh. well put a movie on and I’ll jst sit on his cock and it’s sooo..

loves being sucked off <3 and he has such a pretty dick too. uncut but he actually likes to shave around there. such a perfect pink tip like I can’t even it’s the prettiest thing. can taste putrid though if I’m not careful.

he likes to have his balls played with / sucked on.

and PISS KINK!!! omg he’s jst gross ab it it’s so hot. makes me grind on his thing when I need to piss just to make me lose control and :(((

also on another note he does not gaf if I’m on my period. a true soldier is not afraid to get his sword bloody (I saw someone else on their blog say this and have honestly just adopted the phrase cause it makes me giggle)

I think this is everything but I’m literally so tired right now, if there’s anything I’ve forgotten I’ll js put it in a different ask <3

- rafe shifter

i’m posting this rn cuz everyone wants it !! i don’t have time to individually respond but trust i WILL add onto this post later with my own thoughts. ty anon for sending this in and taking time to explain every detail <3 !!

[steddieas-shegoes]

Nother idea: Wayne & Eddie coming home from a long ass day, tired & stressed, both of them arriving at their trailer at the same time. Both of them taking a deep breath knowing that they'll have to clean up & prepare dinner but both are exhausted. But when they come in their trailer is sparkling clean. The floors swept & mopped, dirty clothes put into the wash, clean clothes folded neatly on the couch in piles for both Eddie and Wayne. Their trailer smells clean & fresh, they turn towards the kitchen & see Steve humming quietly to himself along with the radio on low as he pulls fresh made supper from the oven, on the counters are baked goods cooling. Wayne & Eddie realizing that Steve not only cleaned up their home but he prepared them easy to reheat meals, cleaned up their space bc he knew they'd be exhausted & both of them like the trailer to be clean, but neither had time. So he did it because they are his family & he loves them & wants them to feel safe and cared for in their new home.

MY LOVE! So I kinda ran with a somewhat different background plot, just because it kind of felt like I needed to show that Steve ain't slackin'. I also moved this one ahead of another request because I needed to write Wayne in a sappy way after chapter 2 of demon Steve. Steve was born to be a housewife with guidance counselor tendencies and I don't make the rules. ENJOY! - Mickala ❤️

-------------------------------------------------------

Eddie felt the exhaustion fully hit him as soon as he put his van in park.

He’d been working more overtime over the last month to save up for the down payment on the house he and Steve fell in love with.

The government money helped, but it mostly went to medical bills and a new van when his old one had become government property.

Wayne told him to keep as much of it saved as he could. “You never know what life will throw at ya,” he’d said.

Steve had been working a lot too, but was focusing on his classes at the community college, trying to set up a better future for both of them.

It meant that Eddie was pulling a lot of the financial weight right now, that Wayne was doing as much as he could for them so they could actually save up, but it would all be worth it.

Wayne knocked on his window and he blinked his eyes open again.

When had he even closed them?

Eddie opened the door and stepped out, groaning at the ache in his knee. It still wasn’t 100%, probably never would be as long as he was doing physical labor, and today had been particularly rough at the shop.

“Alright, bud?” Wayne asked him, hand on his shoulder.

“Yeah. Just tired,” Eddie replied.

“You and me both. Let’s go relax a bit.”

But relaxing wouldn’t be on the table until they fixed dinner and cleaned up a bit and Eddie knew the faucet had been leaking when he left this morning and they didn’t need a leak like that running up the water bill, so he should probably try to fix it before bed.

He let Wayne go in first, as always, knowing he’d take longer going up the porch steps.

He could handle walking just fine most of the time, but stairs were a bitch.

He nearly walked right into Wayne when he walked through the front door, the older man standing stock still right in the entrance.

“Wayne? You good?” Eddie asked, his mind suddenly filtering through any number of terrible reasons for his sudden frozen demeanor.

And then he could smell it.

Cookies.

Someone was baking cookies.

And then he saw it.

The living room was completely cleaned and organized, magazines stacked neatly on the table, no crumbs on the couch or carpet, the weird mud stain from Eddie’s boots no longer on the rug by the front door.

He heard the record player going, though the volume was low enough that he could also hear Steve singing in the kitchen.

“Looks like your boy’s been busy,” Wayne smirked over his shoulder at him.

“I don’t-“ Eddie started to say.

“Eds? Wayne? You guys home?” Steve called from the kitchen.

Before they answered, he walked around the corner with an apron on, his glasses perched on his nose, and a beaming smile on his face.

“I just put the lasagna back in the oven to heat up a bit for you. Had to wait for the cookies to come out,” Steve said as he walked towards them.

He wrapped his arms around Eddie’s neck and kissed him on the lips quickly, then pulled away to give Wayne a quick side hug.

“I made some lemonade that should be nice and cold by now. You want some?”

Eddie and Wayne blinked at him, surprise at what was happening rendering them speechless.

“Is everything okay?” Steve’s tone shifted to concern, the smile dropping from his face as he took in their stillness.

“You cleaned?” Wayne asked.

“And cooked?” Eddie asked.

“And baked?” Wayne added.

“My afternoon class was canceled and Keith said he wouldn’t approve overtime for me, so. I came home?” Steve still looked concerned, like he was waiting for one or both of them to start yelling at him.

“Where’s your car?” Wayne asked.

That was a great question. Eddie just realized it wasn’t in the yard, which was half the reason he’d been shocked to see Steve here at all.

“Oh! Max needed to go to therapy. I was already in the middle of baking so I told her she could just use it as long as she was back by eight.”

“So you’ve been cleaning and baking and cooking all afternoon? For us?” Eddie asked, biting back as much emotion as he could.

He was tired and overwhelmed with love and he knew he would start crying if he didn’t contain some of it.

“I just wanted to take care of you guys and take care of our house. You worked all day and I had some free time to do it,” Steve shrugged.

Wayne collected himself first, moving toward Steve and squeezing his shoulder.

“Thanks, son. You don’t know how much I appreciate ya doin’ all this,” he said, voice slightly choked up.

“It’s no problem, Wayne,” Steve replied, face red.

“Mind if I go grab a shower first?” he asked Eddie.

“Fine with me,” Eddie responded.

Wayne nodded once, smiling at them both, and walked to his room to grab clothes for after his shower.

Steve looked up at Eddie shyly.

“Lasagna will be about 20 more minutes if you wanna grab a drink,” he said quietly.

Eddie smirked.

“Some of that lemonade sounds nice,” he played along, knowing exactly where this was going.

No matter how tired or sore he was, he wouldn’t turn down the chance to get his hands on Steve or have Steve’s hands on him.

Steve led him into the kitchen by his hand, tugging him along as he excitedly explained that he’d found the lemons at a farm stand on his way home from work yesterday and considered using them for a cheesecake, but decided this would be better.

Eddie smiled at him fondly, just happy that Steve is happy.

“I’ll get you a glass, just wait right there,” Steve said, pushing him against the counter gently.

But Eddie didn’t let him pull away yet, fisted his shirt and pulled him against his front.

“Eds!” Steve yelped as they made contact.

“I’m sure the lemonade is perfect, but I want a taste of you first, sugar,” Eddie mumbled, leaning down to press his lips against Steve’s.

Steve melted against him, letting Eddie’s tongue past his lips and letting out a low moan when Eddie’s hands squeezed his ass.

“What’re you doing?” he whispered against Eddie’s lips.

“Touching you,” Eddie answered before kissing the corner of his mouth, his cheek, his jaw.

“Wayne though.”

“He’s already in the shower. We got a few minutes.”

“We can’t do much in a few minutes,” Steve said, trying to stifle another moan as Eddie’s fingers untied his apron and slid to the front of his jeans to undo his button.

“You underestimate how hot it is to see you like a little housewife, sweetheart,” Eddie chuckled.

Steve slapped his arm.

“Not a housewife.”

“No? You sure seemed happy about cleaning up and cooking for me,” Eddie said as he slid his hands into the waistband of Steve’s boxers.

“Eds,” he gasped, but didn’t stop him as he wrapped his hand around his half-hard cock.

“Get me out, Stevie. Don’t have much time,” Eddie groaned.

Steve did as he was asked, but still seemed hesitant.

Eddie paused.

“You wanna call it?” he asked.

If Steve truly didn’t want to, he knew what to say to stop, and he knew Eddie would stop, no questions asked.

But he shook his head, biting his lip to contain a whimper as Eddie looked down at their cocks and spit.

“Gotta stay quiet, still. Don’t wanna be caught,” Eddie whispered as he leaned in to kiss him again, keep his mouth preoccupied so he didn’t give them away.

He knew Wayne would be at least another 10 minutes, but they both liked the idea of having to stay quiet and be quick.

And quick it was.

They both came in barely two minutes, Eddie riled up from Steve just being Steve, Steve being riled up at the fact they were doing this in the kitchen.

“I just cleaned this floor, you better not have gotten anything on it,” Steve smirked at Eddie as they buttoned themselves back up.

“Promise I’ll clean it up myself if I did.”

“You better. Gonna go shower next?” Steve tied the apron back up, walking over to the fridge to finally get the lemonade.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sore today. Hot water will help.”

Steve turned to him with a furrowed brow.

“You should’ve said, baby. You need some Motrin or something?”

“Nah, maybe after I eat. Got a dose of you to help,” he winked obnoxiously.

“Alright, keep it in your pants,” Steve said as he poured a glass for Eddie and a glass for Wayne.

“You’re the one who had it out a minute ago!”

Steve just gave him a dead-eyed stare before handing him his lemonade.

“Get out of my kitchen.”

“Sir, yes sir!” Eddie saluted.

He took a few sips of the lemonade as he walked towards his bedroom to grab clothes.

It was delicious, as he expected.

Just like coming home to Steve every day.

[bookish-whore]

Exile Pt.II

Azriel x Reader

Words: 2.4k

Warnings: in a shocking surprise to everyone I have more angst

A/N: SURPRISE!! I never actually revealed the poll results (oops my bad) but this was the winner! I know this chapter is kind of short but it sets up where our characters are mentally/emotionally plus has some interesting details for the future. Enjoy lovelies (and the next part is in progress don't even worry) ❤️

Part One -> Here

My Masterlist -> Here

Join my Taglist -> Here

--------------------------------------------------

Gods it’s still dark outside I thought as I ran to the bathroom.

I hadn’t been sleeping that great since my departure from Velaris, and while I told myself it was a symptom of this pregnancy, I couldn’t help but feel it was a culmination of guilt, anxiety, and sadness. I pulled my hair back as I emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet. This had been happening every day at least once and I was dreading the next nine months if this is what I would be looking forward to.

Once I was finished, I brushed my teeth, rinsing out my mouth thoroughly before making my way downstairs for a snack.

The cottage was cozy and intimate and completely not what I had pictured when Feyre said she had just the place in mind for me to escape to. It was located on the outskirts of the palace grounds of the day court, but the cottage itself was warded against all prying eyes. The wards had been put in place by Helion so none but his closest confidants had access to the home. I felt safe but mostly I felt alone.

Well mostly alone.

Lucien had been staying in the day court, learning the responsibilities required of a high lord, learning spells and wards and how to break them from Helion and he had been frequenting the cottage delivering food, supplies, books, and his company.

Helion had also been helpful, he had made sure the wards were strong enough to hide me from Azriel and he had provided me everything I needed to be comfortable here. He had even secured me a healer, he said it would be good to have someone I trusted, especially this early on to answer my questions and make sure I was prepared for this.

I couldn’t deny that I was terrified of being pregnant. Helion had an extensive library and in my free time I found myself wandering through the tomes looking for information on half Illyrian children, on the difficulty of pregnancy for fae women who mated with Illyrians. I also communicated a lot with Feyre about it. Considering that she knew the dangers firsthand of what having an Illyrian child could do to one’s body. She wrote me letters practically every day soothing my nerves with comforting words of encouragement and although my heart was aching for updates on Azriel, I never once asked. Mostly because I couldn’t bear to hear the answer.

Knowing that sleep was useless at this point I made my way to the main room which contained the kitchen, living, and dining area. I put some water on to make some tea and sat on the couch opening the book I had discarded last night.

I had only managed a few pages before the kettle began whistling. I bookmarked my page and stood, grabbing a mug from one of the shelves and throwing a tea bag into it, filling it to the brim with the bubbling water. I carefully grabbed the handle setting the mug on the table in front of the couch. I would wait a few minutes for it to cool before attempting to drink and in the meantime, I would continue with some light reading.

As I scanned the page, the words in front of me seemed to blur together as my eyes drifted closed and I fell into a dreamless sleep.

-----

“We have discussed this at length now. I don’t know what you expect from me” Rhysand said, his tone gentle but firm.

“I expect you to support me” Azriel exclaimed “For fuck’s sake we’re brothers”

“You think this isn’t hard for me Az? Having to go to this length because you didn’t stay away from Elain like I fucking told you to?”

“I already told you what happened Rhys” the shadowsinger said, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance. He had been having the same conversation for the last week trying to get any information out of the high lord and lady about your whereabouts.

“Yeah, I know what you told me, but I also know what y/n heard. I know what she felt and how she processed it, and I promised her I would protect her.” Rhys said “god damnit Az…what the fuck do you expect me to do?”

“Tell me where she is” Azriel begged “that’s all I’ve been asking you for the last week.”

“You know I can’t” The high lord said firmly. “You know I’m doing this for you.”

Azriel paced in front of the fireplace before sitting on one of the chairs of the high lords office, resting his head in his hands. “What if our roles were reversed. W-what if it was Feyre when she was pregnant? You know how long I’ve waited for this Rhys, waited for a family…for a baby” his voice cracked “and now I-I’m missing it”

“I know Az.” He said clasping a hand to Azriel’s shoulder “I fucking know okay, you know how feral I was, h-how protective I was of them both during the beginning. But until I can understand why Elain would lie, why she would manipulate the situation this way it keeps y/n safe. It keeps your child safe. We don’t know why you were targeted and until Elain comes out of it, we only know half of what happened.”

“I know. Just…p-promise me that they are both safe” Azriel said wiping away a tear, because he knew that Rhysand was right, and he wouldn’t dare put you in danger.

The night you fled is fragmented in Azriel’s mind, in fact he can’t even remember most of it. He definitely doesn’t remember a conversation with Elain and the more he thinks about it there are all these gaps in his memory. Nights he can’t recall and whole days where his actions are blurred like he was a completely different person.

He was determined to get to the bottom of this, He and Rhysand were already putting the evidence together figuring out why Azriel would be a target and who would gain from his downfall.

Azriel had made a promise to himself that he would get his family back it was only a matter of time, and he had to hold on to hope that when the time came you would understand, that you would listen to him, and that eventually you would forgive him.

-----

I woke to the smell of food cooking and the familiar aroma of mahogany and crackling embers which told me that I was not alone.

I rubbed my eyes, sitting up and stretching my limbs before padding to the kitchen where Lucien was.

“How are we feeling today mama?” Lucien asked over his shoulder as he his attention was fixed on the stove.

“Nauseous, tired, bloated, over-emotional…just the usual” I said opening the refrigerator for a drink.

“Well, according to my father that is all completely normal at this stage considering what you’re going through” he said with a smirk as he shoveled the contents of the pan onto two plates, placing one of them in front of me.

“What’s on your mind.” He asked “you seem particularly distracted this morning.”

I shook my head, taking a bite of the eggs and toast he had made for me.

“What are you an expert on my body language now?” I snapped “I’ve only been here a week.”

He nodded, drinking his coffee. “Look, I know you’re struggling to deal with all of this” he said softly “and you can’t push me away no matter how much you may want to.”

“I know” I said solemnly “I’m sorry it’s just that I-” I paused, taking a shaky breath. He nodded at me to continue.

“I don’t know how I’m going to do this alone” I said, my voice cracking as I struggled to hold back my tears but the words just kept pouring out of my mouth “I thought that we would do this together. Azriel and I and then he- he- cheated on me with her and now I’m here and I’m alone and I-I’m pregnant and I am scared and the one person who I thought I could count on is the person I have to hide from and my life is falling apart and I just- I feel so fucking alone”

“Y/n you are not alone- I am here for you and though you can’t see them your other friends are here for you too” he said pulling me into his broad chest tucking my head under his chin and he simply held me, allowing me to cry.

He held my face in his hands, wiping away my tears “If anyone can understand the heartbreak of the mating bond it’s me- you know the guy who has been rejected countless times by his mate” he finished it with a sweet smile and I couldn’t help but smile back

“Thanks Lucien” I said softly “for being here and checking on me, for everything.”

“Always darling” he said “now finish your breakfast, its important that you are eating well and often.”

“I know, I know” I said taking another bite of my breakfast “are there any letters for me today?” I asked.

He pulled a small bundle out of thin air, one of his many tricks, and handed it to me. There were three envelopes, on top was Feyre’s delicate script, followed by Nesta’s and as I looked at the last one my heart skipped a beat. I recognized his handwriting in an instant. Azriel.

But how did it get here?

“You don’t have to read it if you aren’t ready” Lucien said “Feyre sent it with hers, apparently he begged her to and you know how much of a sap she is sometimes”

I simply looked at it, debating the pros and cons of it. Could I handle his apologies right now? Did I even want to hear them? Did he deserve that? the answer to them all, at least right now was simple.

I handed his letter to Lucien “Hold on to this for me, until I ask for it” I said.

He grabbed it and it vanished into thin air without another word.

“So, what’s on your agenda today” Lucien asked changing the subject

“I wanted to do a little more research in the library, and I think I have an appointment with the healer later. Can you come over for that?” I asked “I don’t know if I can handle it alone.”

“Of course” he said “like I said, you’re not alone in this”

Lucien stood to collect the dishes, cleaning up from breakfast while I read the letters from Feyre and Nesta. There wasn’t much to report but it was nice to stay informed, it was nice that they thought to write even about the mundane happenings back home.

I wrote some replies, telling them I would have more information after the healer tonight and to give everyone my love. Once satisfied I handed them off to Lucien and changed clothes for the day, Lucien helped put on the glamour I was wearing to go out in the court so I could move about without being recognized and we went to the library.

I would never get over the view of the library. It was a towering structure, so many tall spires that were filled with books, all the knowledge of Prythian. The carvings in the stone so intricate and the greenery growing around the building entombing the sides with vines, flowers, and moss. Lucien and I entered immediately going to the medical section to return a scroll I had borrowed yesterday about Illyrian anatomy. I had been keeping questions for the healer about my body and whether the delivery would be safe. I pulled another from the shelf it was on medical breakthroughs of the second age. I also walked around the romance section pulling some leisure reading for later when I undoubtedly couldn’t sleep. Lucien took care of transporting them to the cottage.

Before I knew it the sun was setting, and Lucien winnowed us back to the cottage to meet the healer.

Her name was Mila. She was a woodland nymph who moved to the Day Court to study under Helion. She had spent a time working with Madja in Velaris and with high lord Thesan in the Dawn Court. She was exceptionally gifted and was kind, answering all my questions calmly and encouraging me to keep asking questions through this process.

“So, I know your biggest concern is the birth” Mila said “I have been studying various alternatives to a traditional delivery that we can discuss as the time gets closer so we have a plan in place. I would like to try for a traditional delivery because it is much less stressful on the body but yours and the babes health come first always so we can be flexible”

I nodded my head with her “and everything is okay so far?” I asked

“as far as I can tell” Mila said “babe is strong, they have a strong heartbeat and seem to be growing at a normal rate. I would say you are about 4 months along or around 16 weeks.”

“That fits the timeline” I said with a smile

“Do you want to know the sex?” Mila asked

“You can tell that now?” Lucien said. I had almost forgotten he was here and I was grateful now to have a friend.

“Well, it’s a mixture of magic and a little faith” Mila said

“I don’t know” I said looking to Lucien for support.

“Why don’t you write it down and if she wants to open it she can when she’s ready” Lucien offered

Mila nodded moving over to me and whispering a series of words while holding a pendant above my womb. She smiled and wrote something on a scrap of paper tucking it inside an envelope before handing it to me.

“I’ll be back in two weeks’ time for another checkup” she said before walking out the front door and winnowing away.

I grabbed the envelope tucking it into the book I was reading.

Lucien bid me a goodnight, leaving me with a warm dinner and headed off to the palace.

As I sat on the couch once again alone in the cottage, I felt a faint flutter in my lower stomach, I had read that at this point in the pregnancy you could sometimes feel the baby move.

I took it as a sign.

A sign that I could do this.

--------------------------------------------------

Thanks for Reading ❤️

--------------------------------------------------

Taglist (all fics) ->

@cherryjain17 @we-were-beautiful @moonfawnx @aroseinvelaris @daily-dose-of-sass @marvelouslyem @moonlightazriel @indaybella99 @gray08 @dreamsofivy @gorgeouslysent @viradeity @kennedy-brooke @maddistyles17 @thewarriormoon @pixiestix13 @lucyysthings @a-frog-with-a-laptop @starswholistenanddreamsanswered @purplevitagen @devilsfoodcake22 @lillithathecat @baby-is-crying @nightcourtwritings @lastwandastan @marudersarehot @georgiastars13 @percyjacksonspeen @inpraizeof @piebymesstuff @maviee @theravenphoenix26 @sunnys-interests @ahahah-noo @hiza-46 @humanpersonlasttimeichecked

Taglist (Azriel Only) ->

@ellievickstar @supersoldierswhxre @marina468 @positivewitch @holb32 @meghan52300 @lookingformarissa @wavrica @bigcreatorwombatdreamer

[lxverofmine]

i just saw this post about the whole neil gaiman situation and i wanted to share my experience with the fandom i was in that made me realize it was not a safe space for me when shit hit the fan

i'm not a neil gaiman fan but this might help someone trying to figure out what to do

so what happened to me?

last november, taylor swift came to rio with the eras tour, and on the weekend the shows were happening we had the worst heatwave we've ever had

the day of my show i went to the stadium, stayed in there for 3 hours in extreme heat that felt like a furnace, feeling sweat come out of every single pore on my skin.

then, ONE HOUR before the show was supposed to start, it's announced that it's been postponed. obviously, we were all mad and upset, and we shouted some words of anger at the whole thing

then when i get home and go on tiktok (the place where i always saw swifties and felt like i was part of a community), i mostly saw people calling brazilians savages, saying that it's not safe here and that taylor should go home, and gaslighting me when i tried to share my experience (which they continued doing until this may, when i decided to delete tiktok)

so basically, when i was going through absolute HELL the fandom i'd always felt like i belonged in not only didn't have any compassion, but was actively xenophobic and dismissive towards me

there's also the whole thing with the girl that died and how taylor responded, which i was also gaslit about, but that's more complicated

clearly i quit that fandom and am never ever going back

anyway apparently something similar is happening in the neil gaiman fandom, and i think reevaluating the group you're a part of is always a good idea, especially when they're being cunts

tl,dr: swifties were extremely xenophobic towards me/my country bc we were angry that a show was cancelled 1 hour before it was supposed to start and we'd been in 60°C heat index for 3 hours, so i left the fandom

[leletha-jann]

Headcanon in which I wake up and choose violence:

Kjarl Thotep is a very time-lost, very scrambled Barry Heterodyne.

Wait, wait. Put down the tomatoes until I can plead my case, such as it is.

Bad reasons for this:

It would be funny

It's how I'd do it, OK?

Skywriting reasons for this: (in which it looks pretty, but it's connecting probably nonexistent dots, and a stiff breeze will blow it away)

Where the hell is Barry after all this time?

There's a whole lot of time travel happening in the background of this story.

Lucrezia is, probably, very seriously time-lost.

Lucrezia has a history of pushing people through Mirrors to get rid of them.

Lucrezia did not like - was, in fact, scared of - Barry Heterodyne, and was worried about him coming back.

Lucrezia was very good at mind-swapping machines (I don't need a link to prove that, right?)

If Lucrezia didn't take out Barry, who did?

I'm sort of assuming that Barry is either time-lost or timestopped somewhere, because, again, there's a lot of unresolved background time travel.

Where did Barry go?

Why is Kjarl still around in this story?

...leads into plot structure reasons:

Why is Kjarl still around in this story? Is it just to know things about the creature coming through into Mechanicsburg, or about the Dreen?

He's not the key to the timestop, or the big quest for Prende's Lantern was a really long red herring. I don't know if the Foglios are making that much extra work for themselves, although I say this after "A Story with Franz", so...

Our triumvirate can generate technobabble about the timestop on their own.

He can't be here just to make jokes at Tarvek's expense, because we can do that all by ourselves.

Who is Kjarl?

"I don't know, I just have a feeling" reasons:

The impression I've gotten from what we've seen of Barry so far, in flashbacks and memories and things mentioned in passing, is the feeling of a gentle giant. Maybe that's because we mostly see him through Agatha's eyes, and Agatha was small. But when I think about Barry, I don't get the same, hmmm, fire that I get when I think about Bill. Bill was on a crusade. Bill was the older brother, the protector, the one trying to make things right. Barry...not so much, maybe. Barry built Franz's flying-assist machine, led the rescues and the cleanup in the wake of the attack on Castle Heterodyne, rescued Agatha and made sure she had a safe home when he left.

Kjarl gives me kind of the same "gentle giant" feeling. Yes, because he's large compared to everyone else, but also, he picks up Tarvek because he's happy to interact with him coherently, and then forgets to put him down. He wants to help, but he's very confused and struggling to communicate (even when he's fully in this dimension). Kjarl's very lost.

Picking up someone strange along the way and then they turn out to be the person who's been missing, but in disguise is very, very fantasy and/or pulp adventure.

We haven't had a screaming amnesia case yet, and that's a major trope.

The Foglios like "brick jokes" - the thing mentioned in passing that got thrown up in the air, and you forgot about it, and then it comes back down on your head real hard years later.

"What happened to Barry Heterodyne?" is an open question. And it can't be resolved post-canon, because that would be unsatisfying and messy.

What if he's Kjarl, and Kjarl doesn't know he's Barry? Because Lucrezia, or because whatever place he ended up in was so alien it scrambled his mind and memory all by itself? For example, does anyone expect Vapnoople to come back in the same shape and coherence in which he left?

It just feels right in my head, in a weird way. And wouldn't it be really narratively satisfying? If we'd found Barry Heterodyne already and didn't know? Until one day, we do, and it's a big reveal?

...and it's how I'd do it, OK?

[fuckyeahgoodomensfanfic]

Good Omens Fic Rec: in the house we remain

Aziraphale buys a quiet cottage in the middle of the English countryside. It is perfect in every way: old-style, quaint, surrounded by wilderness, with a small water feature in the back and a price to rival that of any other property he's seen. He is in love from the moment he sees it. But when a mysterious set of books, all written by unknown author A.J. Crowley, appears on his book shelf, Aziraphale begins to wonder if there is perhaps more to this house than he'd originally believed. The truth can be buried, but it cannot stay hidden forever.

Length: 48,334 words

AO3 Rating: Mature / Spice Level 🔥

Best for: Mostly Safe in Public, At Home, Angst, Human AU

Triggers: Major Character Death

Read it here, fic by commodorecliche

*Minor Spoilers* It's almost frustrating that this story of Aziraphale falling in love with a ghost is one of the most gripping and beautiful stories I've read. It shouldn't work this well, it should be a crack idea. But this is such a powerful piece of fiction. It seamlessly blends romance with mystery and horror. Get your tissues, settle in, this one will haunt you.

Aziraphale has just moved to a cozy cottage in the countryside. If he's hearing things, feeling weird drafts, and noticing things out of place, well, that's just him settling in. Soon, there will be no denying the strange events, and it starts with a set of unpublished books written by an AJ Crowley. The previous, deceased, owner of the house.

This is heartbreaking. It's grief pools over everything. As Aziraphale learns more about the entity who haunts his cottage you will start to grieve as well. The way they begin to communicate was so thrilling and the softest romance. On one hand, we know they're soulmates and belong together despite any obstacle. On the other, it's a tragedy and horrifying. It's gorgeous and grotesque.

It's mostly safe in public, but an at home read for me. If you were destroyed by All of Us Strangers, I think you'll want to check this out. But mind the tags and warnings, there is graphic descriptions of death and major character death. Technically a happy ending? But that's a grey area in itself. I'd love to know how you guys feel about this ending actually

Read it here, fic by commodorecliche

P.S Spoilers under the cut because I want to scream about this story so come back once you've read this

I literally started crying when Aziraphale discovers what was tucked into the attic, the way Crowley was never appreciated as an author was so painful!! Crowley's death destroyed me!! The scene of the water splashing and Aziraphale trying to save him??? Only to come inside and see him?? THE ART???? This one has got me UNWELL.

But also what a horror! Aziraphale never experiencing a full life with Crowley, never knowing the physical touch of a person for what was it 40 years?? That's both romantic and devastating.

UGH I will never get over the scene of Aziraphale watching Adam discover his body. It made my blood run cold. And how Crowley had to watch over his decaying body as well. FUCK this one is so insanely good and how can I explain that to a normie? Hm? Yeah this human au of my blorbos falling in love even though one of them is a ghost literally had me crying screaming and throwing up and this is a normal thing for me

My views on the ending? I think I lean on the horror end of the scale. Yes they are together, but stuck watching over every new owner of the house, still never getting to experience a real life together

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for being mad that my girlfriend broke up with me?

So I (23 M) got with my ex (23 F) about 5 months ago— we met through a college program, and really hit it off! It was just friends at first but I pretty quickly caught feelings, because she was just so down to Earth with me I really felt like I could spend forever with her. I wasn’t gonna say anything yet, because I felt like we hadn’t really known each other for that long. But then, some stuff happened in my city (don’t worry we’re fine), and thanks to that we didnt meet up for a good while. I ended up finding out she went to the next city over to escape a bunch of riots (I don’t blame her) so I drove out to make sure she was okay. Which she was!

I took her back home after telling her about what she missed— she was originally going to go to her parents house, but with some convincing on my end she agreed to go back. After such a long couple of days, I realized she always made me feel safe and comforted in ways no one else could. So I confessed to her, which she accepted, and we started dating! It was really nice, and super romantic. I felt like I found the perfect person and I thought she did the same.

But less than a month or so into the relationship, she completely turned on me! Getting mad about how I moved on from the previously mentioned from the crazy stuff happening in my city, yelling about her living in my house now, and not wanting to date anymore. It was like she completely forgot our friendship and relationship all. And I tried helping her get back to where she was, and sometimes she’d wake up like her anger had never happened, but after a few days it wouldn’t stick and I’ve given up on trying to make her remember anything. At first she was sort of OK with dating but it quickly turned into a on-again, off-again thingy.

She constantly complains about things— she complains mostly about my hobbies (I’m really into gardening and botany, which she says is “weird”, and I don’t know what she means by that…?), and she also complains about our neighbor, who I’m on really good terms with (apparently my ex and my neighbor (41 F) had bad blood in the past, but I had no clue!!!) In fact, she complains about my other friends (23 F and 22 NB), saying that the former is a “self-absorbed prick” and the latter got “brainwashed” by me after we became friendly. I feel like I can’t spend time with my ex around my other friends anymore or even mention them because of how vocal her anger is.

She claims to have constant nightmares and blames them on our negative relationship, and I was getting really fed up with it because she just lashes out in anger instead of talking ANYTHING out with me. We got into an argument recently, and because I was so angry I had told her that I didn’t like her now and I wished she went back to how she was when we first started dating. She was really hurt, and I didn’t mean to hurt her that way, but she ran off before I could apologize. It’s been days and she still hasn’t come home, but she texted me and told me we’re through (if it wasn’t clear enough). I’m pretty frustrated she has just been lashing out at everything and not communicating with me. It makes me feel shitty and I don’t get why she acts like this.

I’m afraid I’m being a dick for being mad she left without ever talking things out, but I wish she gave us a proper chance! So AITA??

What are these acronyms?

[taissaswifelowkey]

Yellowjackets calling/texting you pt.ii!

a/n: DAMNN okay so i really need to figure out how to insert hyperlinks without it showing the whole thing 💀💀 also in pt i, i mistakenly added jackie TWICE instead of including lottie :(( my bad. ig it’ll be up to us to interpret who’s who 😭

i also decided to do a modern timeline for once!! proofread and as usual feedback is always welcome and enjoy 🥶💯💯

italics = texts, dialogues will be known with quotation marks

warnings: mentions of canon elements! they’re light spoilers but i’d rather be safe than sorry about ruining the show for someone. self-indulgent but you already know it yellowjackets gay propaganda 😎‼️‼️

modern timeline

📚 with meetings, galas and interviews and both of your conflicted schedules taissa doesn’t always have time to be with you (even though you’re often her plus one!) you’re not that much at the house at the same time but she’ll always text you to check up on you, making sure you and sammy are okay. ive said this once and ill say it again, ms turner is an avid ellipses and ok user. also uses the 👍 emoji

I made pasta!!

👍 Nice.

I might come home late…

Whose body do I need to bury??

i think she’ll also send you motivational quotes, or something related to philosophy. or anything that reminds her of your relationship. she can be simultaneously romantic and so nerdy, you love it

You know what this reminds me of? A certain quote of Socrates.

You talk about that guy more than you do about me 😒😒😒

🛹 if im thinking idealistically, it would be random texting with van. anything from memes, to weird statements, to memes again. but if you want my solid truthful opinion? i think she’s not really that big on technology. will mostly call you for hours using her vintage landline. you two however do keep contact with each other in any way when you’re apart, or when she’s on yj business

This TikTok has me rolling and sobbing

TikTok as in…the clock? Why would it make you cry? Are you okay?

phone calls when you are away! she loves hearing your voice :(( and you love hearing her laugh. she swears it’s awful but you like it in a “i like that laugh, hahaha” way. but back to idealist thinking, she would honestly use a list of emojis to communicate like

😁😃☺️😌😊👌

What’s happening?

I’m saying yes for the groceries get with the times 🙄😒🫤

🕷️ nat will forget to answer your text messages but she’ll still answer you as soon as she remembers? or she’ll just reply to you in person. otherwise than that she’ll take pictures of anything that reminds her of you. idk why but i think she texts in all caps unintentionally. would also have a few typos

I HATE TRAFFIC

Omg are you okay?

UTS FINE I JSUY DONT KIKE YRFFUF BUT IM OAKY

would use all sorts of emojis in any context but according to her interpretation. it leaves you confused most of the time like what does 🦵 mean???

🎀 hear me out…same as van i feel that adult lottie doesn’t use her phone that much??? i mean sure a few texts here and there but it’s not allll the time. HOWEVERRRR if, let’s say you’re on some trip or something, she will call/text/facetime you every now and then. would also text you right after calling

Heyyy how are you 🥰🥰🥰

Good :)) and you?

Great but I just miss you

It’s only been 30 secs since we hanged up lot 😭😭

is the type of person to send you recommendations on outdoors or indoor activities like “we should do this 🥰🥰🥰”

🦉 misty is a serial texter (when she has time, being a nurse and a secondhand dexter takes up a lot of time) so, sporadically, you’ll have messages. pictures of her coffee, or to gossip with you and minion memes. im telling you your inbox are spammed with facebook memes to the point of it being slightly concerning? also uses acronyms and 😂🤣

LOL check THIS out I am ROFLING 😂😂😂

This is the 10th minion meme in a day ���😭

will also correct you. is literally ☝️🤓 but it’s something about those asterisks and corrections that brings a smile to your face

🪵 shauna is basically your virtual reminder. you hardly even use the notes app. sends you voice messages and expects you to reply with the same format. sends you pictures of what she did throughout the day

Look at what I found in our garden today!!

Aww that’s a cute bunny can we name it Mayfield

WILL and WILL expect you to answer directly, or at least answer 10 minutes after. of course that not apply when you’re busy but if she’s doing the groceries and you’re at home you can answer, right? right???

🧸 voice messages with jackie taylor. like, podcasts. lots of tiktok memes, insta reels, just like lottie she will send you couple activities and be like we should do this omggg 😍😍😍 uses emojis, sometimes will spam you and WILL expect you to answer her too.

Hey beautifullll 🥰

Hi :)

Can you pls listen to my voice memo

Jax it’s three minutes long 😭😭

So??? It’s a signed masterpiece LISTEN TO IT

i think she’s also the type to send you playlists but also random recommendations, not just couple stuff. like clothing, jewellery, or makeup if that’s your thing. if you two are apart expect lots of 1 hour facetimes and thirty minutes of texting right after

[thenightfolknetwork]

Hello, I wrote in a while ago about my son, and I think you should be made aware of everything that has happened since our letters aired, as you aided him in opening up about his true troubles at the time.

I did give him the privacy of not listening to his letter as it came on that night, which he probably would have quizzed me about if he’d still been awake when I got home. He’s still my son and several of my more, let’s say family oriented former colleagues, did heavily impress on me that I should respect whatever boundaries he draws, no matter how silly. That did partially lend me to think his sullenness was a new boundary that I didn’t dare directly cross.

I did also say former colleagues, as I took your advice and left my old line of work, completely severing any ties to it and giving up any nemesis statuses I might’ve racked up over the years,and opened up a small Etsy shop where I sell custom hand sewn clothing items. The patterns I remember from my youth are actually quite popular amongst longer lived genuses who are nostalgic about late 18th and early 19th century fashion, and sapio historical reenactors and fashion history enthusiasts. And who knew that the sleight of hand I developed during my old job would lend itself so well to hand sewing!

My son is also doing well. His bully issues have been solved with minor feather loss on her end (mostly due the stress from her actions making its way back to her convocation), and the school councillor has regular meet ups with her last I heard. I’ve also met my son’s boyfriend! A lovely young merman, who’s so very sweet. I’m glad he found someone nice and only begrudgingly understand why he kept them a secret from me. I do agree that I have the potential to be very intimidating to new people, especially those who have a real way of hurting my son.

I still listen to your broadcasts, especially the agonies section, but nowadays it’ll be when I’m up late felling the edges of my projects rather than hunting down whoever was on my list for the night.

May you have a wonderful week. Good night.

I'm so glad to hear you and your son are seeing eye to eye once more! I remember both your initial letter and his own, and recall how evident it was that both of you cared very much for one another, even as you struggled to find a way to communicate.

Well done on leaving your old job. I know it couldn't have been easy for you, but I admire your willingness to make difficult choices for the safety and happiness of your family.

As I said in my response, I never wished to shame or blame you for your son's forcible turning. That responsibilty lies firmly with the individual who attacked him.

But that individual was acting in response to your chosen career, and I am very glad you took my advice and have taken up a less dangerous profession - for yourself, and your loved ones.

You've demonstrated real care and consideration for him during this difficult period, and it's good to see that paying off in his newfound trust in you. I wish you all the best in your historical costuming endeavours.

It is always difficult as a parent to discern the line between respecting your child's privacy, and keeping them safe. But just as it was inappropriate for you to expect your son to defend himself against an attacked, it would have been inappropriate to disrespect his autonomy and independence.

I can't pretend I don't feel some small satisfaction at hearing his school bully has been suffering from the consequences of her behaviour. May her suffering be short-lived - but educational.

It sounds as if you've done a very good job of walking that line, making sure your son feels supported while also demonstrating that you can be trusted not to cross his boundaries – even those you may consider “silly”. You have more than risen to the challenge, and I wish you and your son all the best in the future.

[For more creaturely advice, check out Monstrous Agonies on your podcast platform of choice, or visit monstrousproductions.org for more info]

[sicasole]

Why I Love Kpop (I think)

I’ve joked before that everyone who likes kpop secretly wants to be in a polycule, but like most jokes the more I think about that statement, the more truth I find in it. After all, kpop disrupts the way we think about homosocial relationships, and it often presents queer dynamics for its audience to ponder and sometimes even obsess over. Lately, (and by lately I mean for almost 8 years) I’ve been captivated by the question of why I and so many other queer people love kpop so much. The following is a stream-of-consiousness attempt at answering that question. I’ll be speaking from the perspective of a queer femme fan who listens to and watches mostly male idols, but of course I know this topic is richer than just this one dynamic. I don’t speak for all queer people or all kpop fans.

For as long as I can remember I’ve been listening to, performing, and analyzing music, but when I think about kpop, I’m thinking about it very differently than any other musical media. Because yes, kpop is about the music but it’s also about so much else. It’s about queerness and bodily autonomy and relationships both toxic and beneficial. I, like a lot of queer people, love fantasy worlds and characters because they present their audiences with beings who live outside the norm, people and places unbounded by logic and social constraints. They offer us an escape from a world that is unaccepting of our ever-expansive queer identities, and a vision of the possibility for a better one.

But kpop occupies this intensely fascinating space between fantasy and reality. Fans online talk about idols more like they’re fictional characters than real people, frequently speculating about an idol’s time away from the narrative their company puts out the way someone might headcanon a fictional character. These group narratives a company creates give idols an air of fantasy and mystery, allowing for this fan speculation to run amok on social media as they attempt to “fill in the blanks.” But kpop offers a grounding in reality that pure fiction cannot. Here exists a fantasy world you can really see and hear and walk through. These characters you project onto are actually real people.

So why do I love kpop? The answer changes almost daily, but lately I think it's because in many ways, kpop seems to be made to be enjoyed by queer people. The 20th century had gay men who were devoted to Judy Garland, and now we have the Jungkook lesbians.

Queers have always dominated fandom spaces. As people who are more likely to lack role models in our everyday lives, we’ll often turn to fandom media for guidance about how to love and how to be. I think “straight” mass media lately is obsessed with being “relatable” but queer people don’t usually relate to the narratives put out by the heterosexual media machine. This is why kpop is really appealing to members of the community. It’s overwhelmingly uninterested in being relatable, instead, it's aspirational. This parallels the queer self, who is often more invested in the journey of becoming than it is in running towards a more clean-cut goal like home ownership or a nuclear family.

But when I think about kpop, I also think about my own body and its autonomy (or lack thereof). I think about the performance of femininity. This feels a bit strange and vulnerable to admit, but a part of me has always been willing to hand over my body in exchange for love and devotion. This is the kind of transaction a kpop idol makes when they sign a contract. It’s easy to criticize when we see it put in front of us so plainly, but queer people (especially trans people) and those assigned female at birth have always been aware that they don’t entirely own their bodies or decide their actions.

Idols capture exactly the level of freedom I believe is currently possible for me because frequently as a queer person and a feminine person I feel like the only way I can be accepted and safe is if I offer up my body and self in a way that is sanitized and therefore marketable and commodifiable.

Queerness is more accepted today than it was even a few years ago, but there are still limitations to that acceptance. Queer people who remind the dominant heterosexual power structures of tropes and stereotypes are more accepted than those who are living their lives in active opposition to straight expectations. Of course, we know that stereotypes are oppressive tools used to dehumanize people, which is why the pressure many members of the community feel to censor their identities in order to fit into these tropes and stereotypes (while often done for their own safety) is especially demoralizing.

Kpop also relies heavily on tropes when it comes to constructing the narrative of their groups’ dynamics. We know that much of this is done to make the group marketable and commodifiable. But one positive is that a performative self can protect a kpop idol’s privacy from a world that demands celebrities provide their fans with an endless stream of details about themselves and their lives. In the same way, a performative self can protect a queer person from persecution.

This begs the question of how much someone can stand to perform an inauthentic self, even if that performance helps keep them safe. Lately, this is where I see myself most in the idol on my screen. Like me, I feel he is constantly engaged in a horrific balancing act, asking himself how much he can stand to inhabit a performative self for his own safety. Like me, I feel he is questioning whether an authentic self even exists and if it does, will its appearance cut him off from the audience’s love? Like me, I feel he is screaming for a way out.

These men have been locked into a performance their overwhelmingly queer and female fanbases are all too familiar with. Their personal and financial livelihood depends on their ability to appeal to their audience just as the safety of queer people is dependent on the way they are viewed by the domineering heterosexual power. The relationship between idol and fanbase is both symbiotic and toxic. Idols become what they think their audiences want, and this performance is terrifyingly reflected in the lives of their marginalized fans.

This is the point in my thinking where I ask myself what I even hope to gain from this line of inquiry. Is it some sort of twisted self reflection? Is it an unhinged brain-ego trip? Is there even anything here worth exploring? I believe (and hope) there is. I and most people who analyze media today are pushing back on the idea that someone has to be exactly like you for you to relate to them. On the surface, the male idol is nothing like me, but the aspirational nature of kpop media invites me to see him and myself as more hauntingly alike than I would sometimes like to admit. He is androgynous in ways I could only ever dream of, yet he is yearning like me. He is queer like me.

One of the pillars of anthropology (so much so that it’s almost become a cliche) is that its goal is to make the strange familiar and the familiar strange. To the untrained eye, kpop might look like a shallower reflection of our everyday world, one that’s even more image-conscious and subjugated by the demands of capitalism. It certainly can be those things, but when I look at kpop I see the current human condition distilled. Most of us alive today have been trained to constantly seek validation from those around us. Kpop is both familiar and strange because it reminds us of the ways we perform for audiences either real or imagined. It can make us uncomfortable because it shows us just how much we are willing to sacrifice to satisfy the demands of those audiences. In censoring ourselves, we become our own voyeurs and are left wondering who has more power, observed or observer?

So why do I love kpop? I’m not always entirely sure that I do. What I do know is that it’s not really about some fantasy of receiving affection. I don’t turn to idols for tenderness. I never wanted to feel loved, I just wanted to see something beautiful up close. I wanted to see someone who was suffering in the same way I was. I wanted to seek some unprovable personal truth, that perhaps this ethereal creature I saw on my screen was, in fact, just like me. Sure, they had a surface-level beauty I could never reach, but we were alike in all the ways that mattered.

And here I am now, with all of this behind me, wondering if I am (and continue to be) just some more than slightly messed up and lonely child looking for connection in all the wrong places. But then again, aren’t we all?

[pearlypairings]

I wish you’d write a fic where Trip finds out T’Pol is ticklish

your wish is my command! so much so, that I also posted this ficlet on ao3 as my first ever fic for Enterprise<3

trip x t'pol || fluff, humor, banter || ~1k wc

“You know, when I got the pitch to join Starfleet, I was promised unimaginable adventure, opportunity for technological innovation, a chance to advance mankind in the unchartered territory of space,” Trip lamented, shimmying his upper body to lay flat on his back. “No one mentioned the hours I’d spend trapped in a cargo box with our First Officer.”

T’Pol did not budge; she laid extremely still. In fact, if Trip’s eyes hadn’t adjusted from the past few hours of being held here in the pitch black, he would have been more concerned she’d passed out or fell into some weird Vulcan stasis. But he could see her chest inflate and shrink ever so slightly with what could be made out in the darkness of their snug crate.

They had been sent on an exploration mission for discreet observation only, no contact allowed with the vulnerable, primitive species on the newly discovered M-class Planet. But when their transport had been unintentionally found by the native humanoid species during a windstorm, they’d set it aflame along with most of their medical and survival supplies. Their comms were able to reach the Enterprise, but the transporter pads had already been halted for routine maintenance and would take hours to be put back online.

Instructed to hide safely away from the paranoid populace, Trip and T’pol followed orders and snuck into a storage lot, quickly picking an inconspicuous box to stow away in when the lot was inundated by workers. They had to wait inside, even after the area mostly cleared for midday meals, until their transporter pads or a rescue team would be dispatched. Armed with only phase pistols and communicators, they were hardly enjoying the hours cramped together without any breaks or provisions.

Trip tried to stretch his neck out, but the top of his head met resistance with the scrap wood surrounding them. A bead of disappointed sweat slipped down his spine. He sighed.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were dead. Anybody home?”

She stirred, just a little, near his left side. Her voice kept unusually quiet despite how close they were to each other.

“I would not call this a ‘home,’ Commander Tucker. I also find our predicament exceedingly unpleasant and am trying to meditate until we are free to return to Enterprise.”

“Meditate? Is that all you Vulcans do, meditate? Can you meditate this box to be bigger—because my legs….even my arms….are killin’ me.” Trip said with biting sarcasm, gradually uncurling his elbows maneuvering within the confines of their temporary prison.

“Vulcans do meditate regularly to control our emotions. Something you would likely greatly benefit from, it seems.” T’pol said coolly. “Here, allow me to move so you can have more space for your limbs and your untempered feelings.”

As the slender Vulcan acquiesced to her side allowing him to press his hands out and down, something peculiar happened. His fingers grazed T’pol’s side with the motion—they’d both moved simultaneously, getting in each other’s way as a result. Despite the heat and humid climate, her suit was fairly dry and cooler than his palm, a relief actually from the suffocating heat. Trip could feel the gentle curve of her rib, and for a moment, he wondered if Vulcan women had the same number of ribs as the human counterpart.  His musing didn’t last long as his fingers found the dip of her waist and with it, a hard knee in his thigh and the galaxy’s tiniest squeak. Luckily, his pistol was hitched to his other side, outside of where T’pol could flinch into him.

“Commander, please remove your hand—” T’pol pressed out, squirming uncomfortably and still deeply puncturing his leg with her knee. She sucked in a deep breath. “My side is….sensitive. I am afraid I will hurt you or worse, ruin the mission by being located.”

His hand retreated with the bend of his elbow, letting the rough surface of the wood scratch at his skin. Trip’s eyebrows shot up. “Are you tellin’ me you’re ticklish?”

Her pinned effort to drill a hole into his leg relaxed with the absence of his stretch. T’pol shifted beside him to move onto her back once more, stiffening her arms across her chest.

“I am saying that sensation is extremely…discomforting.”

“I didn’t know Vulcans, with all their peace and control nonsense, could be tickled.” Trip said in awe. A chuckle tumbled out as he turned to face her and at the same time, allow more space for her.

“I assure you this is not typical.”

“Still, I’m keeping note of that for a later date.”

“Hmm,” she murmured. Even in the dark haze of their box, her profile looked pointed and pretty. There was no denying that.

“You know, I was thinkin’—”

Trip’s offer was cut off by the sound of his communicator's incoming signal beeping. Archer’s voice filled the hollow of their box.

“Commander Tucker, T’pol. We’re ready to extract you from the location designated by your communicators. Hold tight a little longer and we’ll have you back on board in no time.”

Trip clicked his receiver. “Message received, sir. Get the mess hall ready for us, ‘cause I’m starving.”

“I’ll turn that request into an order, Trip. See you sooner than later. Archer Out.”

T’pol turned back on her side, slowly this time to look at him. He could barely see the faint reflection of her eyes as she stared at him in the restored silence.

“If you make anyone aware on the Enterprise, Commander Tucker—” “Alright, alright. I know a threat when I hear one. I swear on my dear mother I won’t say a word to anyone else…..” He smirked. “For now. You’ll owe me one.”

[sshbpodcast]

Character Spotlight: Katherine Pulaski

By Ames

We may have only had Dr. Pulaski for one season of The Next Generation, but that didn’t stop her from leaving an impression. Your hosts here at A Star to Steer Her By are big fans of her character and also of Diana Muldaur’s performance of the cantankerous and brilliant doctor who graced the Enterprise-D’s sickbay during Dr. Crusher’s time away from the ship (more on her next week!). She even made a couple of our top characters lists from TNG!

There’s a lot of negative feelings about the McCoy knockoff in the Star Trek community, and we’ll cover some of those below, but overall we have to give credit to the good doctor for how much she grew in only the twenty episodes we had her. By the end of season two, she was viewing Data as a peer, saving lives left and right, and fighting for the rights of other species. There’s no telling how much better she’d get if she stuck around. So raise a cup of Klingon tea to the best CMO of the Enterprise (I said it!) with our highlights below and elaborated upon in this week’s podcast episode (timestamp for this one is 58:29). Fight us, haters.

[Images © CBS/Paramount]

Best moments

Crammed full of crumpets We’ve made a running gag on the podcast about how Professor Moriarty stuffed the doctor full of crumpets in “Elementary, Dear Data” but there’s more to this episode than crude jokes and blue humor. Pulaski ran with the Holmesian scenario in the holodeck, proved to be stalwart and brave in a hostage situation, and totally rocked the period attire!

At least someone still remembers quarantine procedures While the whole thing did backfire on her, Pulaski’s actions in “Unnatural Selection” kept the rest of the crew safe. She was willing to risk her own health on her hunch that the augmented children weren’t carrying any pathogens, but let’s give her credit for taking the child and Data out in a shuttle so that, if (and when) things went wrong, things were contained.

Knives and bearskins! When the biobeds are on the fritz due to the contagion in “Contagion” and her staff is whining that the bone knitter isn’t working, Pulaski pulls some tried and true methods out of her back pocket – make a splint! It may be archaic medical technology, but it’ll do in a pinch and having that kind of medical knowledge saves the day (or saves someone’s leg at least).

Generous doses of PCS I just really love the sweet little moment during “The Icarus Factor” when Dr. Pulaski is tending to some crewmember suffering from the flu and says part of her prescription is PCS – Pulaski’s Chicken Soup. It shows how much she cares about her patients and gives the audience that warm feeling of having someone care for you when you’re home sick from school.

Jettison the emotional baggage you’re still carrying around Also I have to give my girl some props later in “The Icarus Factor” when she’s flirting with Kyle Riker right in front of Will. We find it a nice character inclusion that she and Kyle used to be down to clown, and even that she would have married him in a heartbeat, and she tells his son off in the most “oh no she didn’t!” way and then proceeds to drop like fifty mics all over Ten Forward.

Take your Prime Directive and shove it up your hatch! We on this podcast (who am I kidding; it’s mostly Chris) have a certain skepticism about the Prime Directive sometimes, and it’s usually the CMOs of their respective shows that get to question it most blatantly. Pulaski sure does in “Pen Pals” because screw the prime directive in this case! When a whole planet is on the line, Pulaski is the conscience that we all need!

Forget me, forget me not This is one that could have gone in either the Top Moments or the Worst Moments list because, face it, mind wipes are horrifying. But I’m gonna give Pulaski the win for erasing Sarjenka’s memories in “Pen Pals” because it’s impressive as hell. And she uses it to kinda-sorta stay within the Prime Directive that we just shat on. Plus she let Sarjenka keep the singing rock!

You’re still the Captain. Invincible. I’m still not certain what Chris was getting at about Pulaski’s letting Picard avoid the heart treatment he’s been neglecting out of sheer vanity in “Samaritan Snare,” but I’ll do you one better: she winds up fixing his stupid ticker for him in the end anyway! And is the grouchy little man thankful afterwards? Not even a little bit! Pulaski gets no respect, I tells ya!

Quote me a little of that poetry While you’ll see in just a moment that Pulaski’s views on Klingons were initially unkind, by “Up the Long Ladder,” she’d bonded with Worf enough that she was willing to engage in some Klingon rituals. She goes out of her way to concoct an antidote so she can take part in a poisonous tea ceremony with him, which is above and beyond (and also fuels some shipping), and she also keeps Worf’s measles a secret!

Bust him up, Data! In “Peak Performance,” it’s Pulaski who sets up the Strategema match between Data and Sirna Kolrami, and she ends up feeling really bad for goading him when he loses to that smug Zakdorn prick. So it’s that much sweeter that she’s there cheering him on when Data thinks outside the box causes the stalemate, telling him that in that way, he did indeed beat him!

Feelings of warmth and friendship What a shame that the last episode we got with this amazing character was one of the most infamously bad. But none of that is on Pulaski because she’s actually on full display in “Shades of Grey,” partly because she’s one of few characters in the non-clipshow scenes. But she (and Troi, as I brought up last week) pulled out all the stops to save Riker’s brain from certain doom.

Pull your head out of your ass! Okay, this last one’s not canon, but I just couldn’t help including this plug to go read Caitlin’s fanfic “The Pulaski Maneuver”!!! Or listen to it on the podcast back when we wrapped TNG with our episode “Tales from the Holodeck.” Pulaski finally telling Geordi everything that he’s deserved to hear might be my favorite moment, and it’s so in her character that I say it counts!

—

Worst moments

The cold hand of technology Most of Pulaski’s negative personality traits are going to circle around her treatment of Data as a piece of equipment and not an individual. In her introduction episode, “The Child,” one of her early interactions with Data is to tell him he’s not wanted in the delivery room because he lacks the human touch. Lucky for us, Troi sticks up for him and he gets to watch her whelp an alien baby.

One is my name; the other is not Shortly afterwards, still in “The Child,” we get one of the fandom’s most hated moments from Pulaski when she not only mispronounces Data’s name, but doesn’t seem to understand that doing so is rude and problematic, instead deciding to put the onus on him for being capable of offense. It’s a tough moment for fans to accept, and if that were the level of bigotry her character stayed at, I’d understand why so many Trekkies dislike the character.

I’m not accustomed to working with non-living devices More growing pains come from Pulaski in “Where Silence Has Lease,” in which she refers to Data as “it” and Picard has to gently correct her. We’re two episodes into the season at this point, and Pulaski is still finding it difficult to accept the personhood of this fan-favorite character, something viewers pretty much got on board with in episode one. At least she apologized.

The mystery of the lack of any mystery Here we are, three episodes in when we reach “Elementary, Dear Data” and we see more of Pulaski judging Data for being incapable of thinking creatively when he solves Holmesian riddles. We may have blamed Geordi for accidentally creating Moriarty when we covered his character spotlight, but it was definitely Pulaski who goaded them on in the first place.

Medical research is sometimes a risky business While we may have praised her above for not putting everyone else at risk when she released the augmented child from his wrapper in “Unnatural Selection,” Pulaski was still dead wrong about the experiment being at all safe. She still got contaminated by the fast-aging disease and was resigned to her fate until Picard and O’Brien were able to transport her back. Speaking of which…

I’m a doctor, not an original character One rather understandable complaint we can see in the Pulaski character is that she’s just Dr. McCoy in a skirt. Which may not be a bad thing, per se, but when we see her racism against the outsider character, her Bones-like irascibility, and even her specific fear of transporters in “Unnatural Selection,” we start to wonder if the writers couldn’t have been a little more original.

I’m just glad that humans have progressed beyond the need for barbaric display We get a couple glimpses that Pulaski is a little repulsed by Klingon culture throughout the show. First, in “A Matter of Honor,” she’s grossed out by Klingon cuisine and calls Klingons barbaric, and not in the way Klingons would probably like. And she also gets a little smug after watching Worf’s Age of Ascension ceremony in “The Icarus Factor,” which she seemed pretty judgey about (but hey, at least she went!).

Quit cloning around! We gave Riker some guff for this as well in his character spotlight, and there’s enough guff to go around to give to Pulaski as well for their actions in “Up the Long Ladder.” Sure, the clones were made of them without their consent, but to take matters into their own hands and murder these people without discussion is not the Starfleet way.

Never to be heard from again… Obviously the worst character moment for us is Pulaski leaving the show after just one season. Notice how most of the bad moments come from earlier and the good moments are mostly from the latter half of the season. That shows how much the character was getting better, even in the rough first couple seasons of the show (you’ve heard our coverage of Chaos on the Bridge, right?). And while many celebrate the return of Crusher, we still have to wonder what the show would be like with more Dr. Pulaski.

—

And just like that, she’s gone and so is this blogpost. Keep following along because we’ve got another doctor of the Enterprise-D to discuss next week, and it’s not Selar! We also hope you’re making the schlep through Enterprise with us as we cover the whole thing over on SoundCloud or your podcast platform of choice. Wave your medical tricorders over our Facebook and Twitter pages, and get the pronunciation right: It’s Data, not Data!

[theworldoffostering]

So much snow. And cold. And sadness.

It’s NB’s birthday this week. He will be FIVE! Can we please take a moment to reflect on his birth? His mom called me at 5am and told me she was in the ER at a hospital nearly an hour away from me, asking me to come meet her. I did. Upon arrival, the OBGYN came into the room and said she was going to have the baby now and gave me a gown so I could head back into the OR and watch the c-section. Never in my life did I imagine that would be how I was spending my morning/day. NB was born and I sat with him until the ambulance came to transfer him to a larger hospital with a NICU. NB was about six weeks early, and born addicted, but was mostly a feeder and grower. His NICU experience was fairly bland except it happened 71 miles away from us during the polar vortex. We commuted daily and spent many nights there despite DH and I both working full-time.

NB was born the day before Ms. 6’s adoption. I sent her an email today asking if she was ready to talk. I don’t think she is, but wanted to put the ball into her court and let her know that we were. She’s requesting contact with NB, but no one else, and we have refused. It’s so weird to me. In her biological home, Ms. 6 was very much the favorite, and Ms. 6 now has made NB her favorite, and frankly that is a major benefit of her no longer being here—we no longer have to choose to manage that dynamic. But I’m also still sad over all of the loss. (For sure I am also relieved.) It’s confusing and complicated.

DH’s family situation continues to be challenging. His sister’s situation is worse than we had initially known, and his mom’s cancer is potentially back. She’ll find out for sure this week. How do you handle death of a parent when the parent hates you and is actively trying to destroy your marriage? I feel bad for DH, and also clueless as to how to make anything easier/better in this situation.

I also saw DD last week. She came over to pick up some Christmas gifts that my mom had sent for her. About 90% of what she said during her visit were straight up lies. I’m sad, frustrated, disappointed. Is this part of the disease, or is this just who she is?

I don’t know you guys, I am sort of just asking myself, “What is the point?” Like what was the point of doing all of the work to get Ms. 6? We are completely isolated in our own community due to it, and she has rained down so much pain and trauma on our family/other kids. What was the point? She got out of a residential setting, was safe here, experienced life, went on vacations, and acquired the skills to graduate high school (she’s done—she just finished in December). Was that the point? Is that enough to justify all of the harm done to the people left standing?

DD left an orphanage in Eastern Europe, and I think it probably (not trying to be dramatic) saved her life. As a person with cerebral palsy, I’m not sure how many years she would have made it in the orphanage, and aging out would probably mean being on the streets. It was such a miracle that she got out of Eastern Europe when she did (truly), that I always felt like she was destined for great things. And by great, I mean typical adulting like having a job, being in a stable relationship, etc. That’s not what’s happening, and I’m crushed by the loss of that dream, and feeling like I am losing hope for her future to be more than what it currently is. It could probably be worse, but not having an authentic relationship with her is particularly painful to me as she’s my first child and for many years, it was just she and I. We were a family and I felt so connected to her. Having the relationship we have now feels to me like an accute loss. So again, what’s the point is the question that keeps rearing up for me.

It’s weird to be a foster parent for so long, be entirely dedicated to it with your whole self, and then be left wondering, “Does it even matter?”