#and as he heals from his own years of trauma and starts to achieve some semblance of respect for himself

[naofaun]

i see people asking what morro's appeal to the fandom is, and after some thought, i think i realised what it is.

it's the tragedy of his entire story, from start to finish. the helplessness of it all, the grief, the longing, the parts of your past that haunt you forever (ghost pun not intended).

you look at morro and you don't see the big scary monster that the writers painted him as. you see a boy, a child, who spent his entire life pursuing one single goal that was just barely out of reach. you see a child who died for that goal suffocated in toxic fumes, who lost his home and family and safety for that goal.

we don't know why he was cursed. but as if he hadn't been through enough agony, as if the world hadn't broken this child enough, he wound up in a realm flooded with evil. his mind couldn't handle the trauma of what happened. as if he wasn't fixated enough, his desire became stronger.

he wanted nothing more than to prove himself.

you can see it in the way he talks and acts. he doesn't care about taking over. he doesn't care about the preeminent's goals. if anything, dying in that cave on that night made him all the more determined to prove himself worthy.

he had so much anger, so much terrible sadness in him that he didn't know what to do with it. he had to blame someone. the only person he could reasonably reflect his agony onto was sensei wu, the only man to ever help him.

he came back to ninjago years and years later. the person who got the green gi was no more than a little boy, who had never been trained like he was. who never spent years and years of his life pursuing this goal, dedicating everything to it. hell, he didn't even want it?

even his defeat was tragic. you can see him panicking, doing everything he can to escape destiny. destiny will always wrap its chains around him once more though, because he was finally dragged down to the depths. once more, he would fail his goal. once more, he would watch everything he dedicated himself to simply fade away before his very eyes.

he could have saved himself. he could have taken wu's hand, dragged himself onto that dragon and started a new life.

but he didn't want to. i love the “morro takes wu’s hand and redeems himself” aus as much as the next person, but he didn't want to. he made the active decision to shove the crystal in wu's hand and let death take him once more.

because in the end, he'd lost so much that living wasn't worth it anymore. his goal was never going to be achievable. he was never going to be truly happy. he never learned how to stop and appreciate life, how to love himself and reach his true sense of self like the rest of the ninja.

he died before he could reach his true potential, guys. that dragon was not his, it was lloyd’s. he died before he even got the chance.

unlike the ninjago villains both before and after him, morro has genuine emotion and life to his story. he's not bad for the sake of being bad. he's not just another enemy for lloyd garmadon to defeat. he's a kid who got in over his head, who wasted away trying to break free of his own fate. and he failed.

if anyone reading this has seen day of the departed, then you know morro came back only long enough to warn sensei wu of what was coming for him. the other villains immediately picked up their weapons and scurried off to cause mayhem for the sake of it, but morro was different. he changed. he let go of his grief and accepted his role in the world.

he helped the ninja despite his prior hatred for them (although i truly believe it was jealousy fueled by insecurity and grief, not hatred). sure, he taunted wu a little at first, but you could tell that it was nothing more than a little fun. he was a boy again, he was okay again. there was no reason for him to hurt anyone. he's moved on.

no one knows what happened to him in the departed realm, or why he healed and the other villains didn't. i don't think i want to know, though. it doesn't matter. all that matters is the fact that he's better now.

so, yes. unlike the other ninjago villains, morro’s story is so painfully and breathtakingly human. he has emotion and development that no other antagonist like him got to have. or at least, it certainly didn't feel as raw as his did.

[blues-valentine]

the Alina debate going on reminds me of the Katniss debate even years later. there’s people that in this date and age think Gale was a better choice …..some people hate to see girls that went through imaginable levels of trauma find themselves a calm and quiet life with a man that brings them safety and peace.

These two cases are pretty similar and with THG renaissance on social media lately the discussions about this subject are getting wildly inaccurate and lacking media literacy.

Alina and Katniss are similar in how they were just kids that had to grow up in a mess up world and take care of themselves alone. They both were thrown into a role way bigger than them. Deemed as holy and untouchable. Prayed as the sole savior of a nation, painted as a symbol. A role they’ve never felt prepared for and during all of that trauma and grief they just hoped for some normalcy beyond that chaos. Mal and Peeta represent comfort and security for each of them but still the choice to seek that peace creates controversy. I saw this amazing post (X) about how thinking Gale and Katniss should’ve ended up together is simply incorrect and a terrible interpretation of what the books and movies are telling you and similarly goes with Alina’s ending being sadly misunderstood.

People don’t get that Gale became everything he was fighting against. The thing Katniss was trying to run from. In his search to destroy the Capitol and eradicate the games he became too blinded by hatred and started justifying all that violence with the idea of revenge. He would easily switch off his humanity to justify the means in which he achieved those goals. He would’ve never been able to provide Katniss with the peace, safety and the healing she was searching. Peeta and Katniss both understood the trauma lived in the games and ultimately wanted the same thing: peace, get a hold to their humanity, move on from the pain. I still cannot comprended how people think Peeta is “boring” because he is by far one of the most complex characters but also, doesn’t Katniss deserve a mundane or “boring” life? One that isn’t pledge by chaos and trials? One that feels like a routine in the most full-filling way? Katniss getting that plus allowing herself to have kids — because she never said she didn’t want kids, she just didn’t want them to exist in a world in which the games existed, and she fought so it won’t ever happen again. Katniss deserves to have a peaceful life instead of feeling the burden of a role she has to play.

THG is still one of the most complex trilogies I’ve ever read. Katniss and Peeta’s love story isn’t typical but it’s true in its essence. Both were thrown into circumstances that only them would be able to understand and managed to find peace within each other. Their love was born from being able to give each other mutual understanding and comfort. Katniss is able to share her real feelings with Peeta, who sees her as Katniss and not as the symbol of rebellion. That guy, a kid himself too, who’s been used as a weapon to torment Katniss would give his life for her in a heart beat. His love for her is pure.

For Alina, her powers while they made her feel powerful at times, they were also a burden. They made her feel lost, confused, scared of herself and suicidal. Alina’s powers didn’t develop normally because she wasn’t raised as a normal Grisha. There’s a reason why the amplifiers are called a fetter and a collar. They were never meant to be seem as a positive thing. Alina’s whole journey has been filled with trauma and with the imposition of a role she had to play that went against her own freedom. Her powers made her a pawn. The title of the savior, the sun summoner, the queen, the Saint; those all were titles she did not ask for and she found a tremendous burden to perform. She said it herself multiple times. She felt like a fraud and people worshipping her made her feel like she was bigger than herself. Alina would’ve never been able to achieve her peace if she still had those powers and therefore would’ve never been truly free. I’m sorry, no one will ever convince me that Alina making the choice to remove herself from a world that has brought her so much trauma in exchange for a peaceful, mundane life in which she’s able to provide orphan kids just like her the love and security she didn’t get for herself (or for Mal) is not empowering. Her choice IS empowerment.

Mal, who was also a kid himself, had to deal with trauma, with the idea of being disposable and insignificant in a world that only valued those with powers or status. He was used as a weapon against Alina so he swears himself to be a weapon for Alina, because ultimately she is the only person he’ll fight and give his life for.

A thing that it’s similar to Katniss and Alina is that people are so convinced they should’ve healed from their trauma alone to be deemed more empowering. Why should they not be in the company of someone that brings them peace? Someone that makes them feel loved and comforted? Women are allowed to have character developed while also being with a love interest. Not all women have to stick to Hollywood’s propaganda of empowerment.

If you don’t understand why Alina and Katniss endings and the fundamental nature of their choices being about healing, and for Alina about the promise that her power lies in herself, on her own value, then you simply didn’t get it.

And no one can convince me this wasn’t a good, bittersweet but fulfilling ending for Alina:

[willow-balcoin]

holiday prompt → chan balcoin.

001. under the mistletoe—

Chan tends to be hyper aware of mistletoe so he can avoid it at all costs, was probably a cootie believer when he was a kid. Nowadays he doesn't subscribe to the idea that he needs a plant hanging over his head to help him with that kind of thing. Would definitely give his mom a peck on the cheek though, low key cutie.

002. in front of the fireplace, cuddled up under a blanket with a hot drink.

He's alone for sure. He's immune to cuffing season propaganda BUT might feel a twinge in his chest when faced with family nights and his sister and cousins all bringing their someones around. If he asks anyone if Tara's coming around, no he didn't.

003. snowed in from a heavy snow storm.

Everyone in his family's circle is a yes and a no. Yes because he has a quiet longing to be part of the family his mom has built and it would be nice to finally be a proper part of one of their big family stories that will be recounted for years down the line, but no because he's realised he made a mistake following his dad and allowing himself to be cut off from said family. Now he's too prideful to admit how badly he wants to be part of it so it's easier to stay on the outside looking in.

004. at a busy dinner table, food piled on the center and family chaos ensuing around the house.

If it's with the Balcoins and co. I think it'd be good vibes!! He's still figuring out where he fits amongst everyone and knows he's the shiny new thing they're all paying attention to so he's pretty reserved. He's steadily finding his feet as his own person outside of his father's shadow though so I think everyone would be pleasantly surprised when he starts showing some actual personality.

005. standing in front of the christmas tree, decorating it with an assortment of baubles, lights and tinsel.

I'd say he's indifferent to the decorating business, he'll leave those decisions to his mom, but he definitely encouraged her to get a stupidly large tree because he never really had that type of stereotypical holiday experience with his dad. Having some family time with just Daphne and Willow while decorating the tree would have healed some of the unacknowledged childhood trauma he's harbouring. The magic of Christmas etc etc.

006. setting out snacks for santa and his reindeers. don't forget the milk and cookies for christmas hardest workers!

Despite his dad being a hardass I wouldn't suggest he was an awful person, so I think he would have helped Willow set things up for the kids when they were little– footprints in flour through the kitchen to a plate of cookies, a half finished glass of milk and so on. Probably realised Santa wasn't real when his nosy little self found his parents taking bites out of carrots as if reindeer had been in the house. Definitely snitched to all the other kids too lmao.

007. at the mall, waiting in line to sit on santa's lap and spill your christmas gift wishes. will you be deemed naughty or nice?

I would say he's on the nice list. Could technically be nicer, but he's doing his best while dealing with his own shit. He'd quietly be pretty pleased about that, he definitely reacts well to praise.

008. exchanging and open gifts, anticipating what gift they may get. is it something cool or just another pair of socks?

Wishlist wise he'd be hoping for some acknowledgement from his father after their falling out. He wouldn't get it as such, just a generally addressed Christmas card to them all in the mail, but he knows if he wants the man's attention he needs to achieve something first. His task for the year ahead is figuring out whether appeasing his father aligns with his own desires or if it's too detrimental. Best gift he ever got was probably light up sneakers when he was a kid. He's still chasing the high of the joy he felt on that day.

009. auditions are now open for the town christmas extravaganza !!!

Oh Channie is so not a performer, his skills are purely that of observation. Back in the day I'm sure Tara managed to wrangle him into being part of productions though. Catch him painted up like Peeta Mellark as Rock Number 3. He would hate being on stage, but he was her biggest fan so being able to support her moment in the spotlight from right there with her..... 🥺🤧

010. in the trenches of snow forts, amidst a war of a snow fight! who will win?  

Dude's a human bulldozer– he loves a snowball fight. Definitely got in trouble a lot as a kid because of it, probably always jumping out of nowhere initiating things which could go either way depending on who he was flinging the snowballs at. FOR SURE got in the shit for having an icicle sword fight at school one time.

[inhellwithdante]

Post-Canon Mikasa comforting Jean.

I'm all about Jean comforting his dear wife, helping her heal as they progress in their relationship, through the years. But, perhaps, sometimes he found himself crushed under the weight of the stress of his own trauma, his job, being someone else's rock, all together.

And when it happened, that he started tearing up, whimpering at night, trying to be quiet as she was right next to him in their bed, Mikasa was right there for him.

Because she was and remained a strong person that deeply cares for her loved ones, not a desperate housewife.

She would kiss his head and gently invite him to turn around to her, when he was ready, so she could kiss his eyes and soothe him back to sleep massaging his scalp as he either buried his face in the crook of her neck, or rested his head onto her lap.

"It's been... fifteen years. A-And I haven't achieved any-anything for this world's peace. I'm..."

"Jean, baby, shh. You already did more than anyone in the past two thousand years has, remember that."

"What... what will be of the children's future?"

"They'll do just fine, because they've got such an amazing father that is doing all in his power to protect them, and their generation. You do realise so many people will be thankful for your work, right, boo..?"

Oh, he couldn't resist when she called him boo.

He'd kiss her hands, feeling the signs his wife's life experiences had left behind: the sharpness of the many years they'd spent together as comrades and soldiers, how soft they'd turned as she had turned her mind to something else after the war, the small cuts from cutting up fruits for their children's snacks, and the scratches some of them would leave when refusing to have their nails trimmed, as toddlers.

He could never stop thanking her, for staying by his side even when he was an absolute crying mess.

He didn't know, he deserved to cry and that he was still 'manly' when he did. He slowly learned to get out of his shell, too, while he gently tapped onto Mikasa's to see if she could let him into her heart.

They grew together as people, friends, partners, spouses.

[licncourt]

thoughts on “its hour come at last” at the end of prince lestat? louis’ character development is kind of sudden since we don’t actually see much of him before this point but i like how quiet and private the change in him sounds. i also like how he purposefully dressed in his favorite outfit to go sit in the garden. he is on a date with himself like they tell you to do in cosmo. i wonder if he picked up yoga next.

That chapter is fucking everything to me. I waited ten entire books and most of an eleventh for ANY kind of real update on my sweet, sweet baby boy and I cling to those seven pages with my heart and soul.

As always, I'm very disappointed that there was no dedicated Louis POV book around this point in canon to give some insight into how he managed to get from a suicide attempt in Merrick (his last appearance before PL iirc) to a place where he's not only fully open to Lestat romantically but also so incredibly content. Of course, it sucks that we didn't get much of an in-depth look at how Lestat got to where he is either, stable and honest and ready to be a good partner, but Louis is where it all started. His grief and misery are the root of VC, and I wish so much we would've gotten the catharsis of healing rather than skipping straight to rushed closure.

Still, I really love those few little pages. Like you said, his happiness is very quiet, very introspective, very Louis. His version of happiness isn't loud and obvious, it's just peace, the thing he's wanted since the first book. It's learning compassion for himself instead of trying to alleviate the guilt he's clinging to with martyrdom. At the very least, I'm so happy Anne Rice got that right. More than anything, Louis has been at war with himself for over 200 years. It's actually very healing and beautiful to see him finally let go of that, to become a friend to himself rather than his own punishment.

Even if it's not shown, that has to be the biggest reason he's able to be so open about his love for Lestat at this point, has been able to make peace with his nature as a vampire, has moved forward from the rut of religious trauma, can accept love and care from his friends. So many of his struggles were tied to his inability to stop fighting himself. It's a shame we didn't see that happen, but in the end Anne got it right.

Additionally:

By the PL era, Louis is without a doubt a wellness and self care king, and I think it probably started in the 90s with self-help culture and increasing mental health awareness. Louis is so obsessed with Being Normal that the idea that what was wrong with him had a name and Normalness was something potentially achievable for him must have been huge.

There were concrete steps to take, an societal uptick in empathy for people with mental health issues, then later on a rapidly growing acceptance of gay people and support for those who need it instead of a culture of shame. Finding ways to shed that Catholic need to self-flagellate and start investing in his own well-being sounds like exactly what Louis needs, and just existing in a less hostile world would probably make a big difference, especially one that celebrates self-love. So yeah, he get into that shit big time, first because he wants to be Normal, but then because he's Louis.

Unfortunately for everyone around him, he is also full of himself and has quite the addictive personality, so I'm positive he'd be really annoying about it. He does yoga (moon salutations instead of sun). He goes on cleanses where he only drinks from vegan Crossfitters. He makes everyone use "I" statements during disagreements. He meditates. He has marriage workbooks. He recites self love mantras in the mirror. He has incredibly long and complicated self care rituals for certain days of the week. He does his guided journaling religiously and never shuts up about it. He's a menace to society but no one can really complain that much because look how genuinely happy he is.

[songbirds-of-halcyon]

We got our more detailed medical records and guess what we have. You won’t fucking believe this.

First of all, we have several instances of being described as “not having a personality”, “hearing voices”, “identity confusion”, etc.

We have one letter stating various things we’ll pick out. We’re replacing our legal name with Halcyon and fixing the misgendering btw.

“Halcyon’s main areas of concern were that people do not accept that he has experienced trauma in the past.” They said this because I told them they were ignoring and not helping at all with the trauma.

“Following an extended assessment, it became clear that Halcyon’s difficulties are complex, not least because they are inflicted by Autism, which leads to very concrete thinking.” This was said because I wouldn’t take “we’ll treat you before we even consider diagnosing you/learning about your symptoms/treating you like a person” for an answer.

(HERE’S THE BEST ONE) “Halcyon’s sense of himself is very unintegrated, which leads to splitting off feelings and emotional states and giving them names and personalities, which Halcyon experiences as independent of himself.” Uh-oh! Someone’s describing a system! -_- Unintegrated identity, huh? Wonder what that could be. Nothing comes to mind /sar

They also openly call others in the system “personalities” in the letter btw. MPD? Never heard of it lol. /sar

Psychosis and “serious mental illness” was ruled out. I guess I’m demon possessed then.

They tried to say I (🌸) created them to help me “gain an understanding of how/why we developed this view of myself”, which was funny because I’m not the original host.

The second letter: S is my other, non-NHS therapist, btw. I don’t want to share her name here

“S fed back that she had started some solution-focused work with Halcyon around accepting Halcyon’s view that he has multiple identities and using and developing his strengths within these to help him move forward and achieve his goals.” This is just sceptical-talk for S has been talking to us like people and actually addressing the issue instead of pretending it’s “autism hallucinations” or whatever the fuck CAHMS are doing. You’d think this would be a good thing, no? A therapist is helping a trauma victim heal from their trauma and achieve goals in their life without fear or pain! Well, CAHMS has other opinions. CAHMS says…

“Halcyon seems to be more engaged in this way of working with S, rather the work being more about trying to challenge the existence of different personalities.” That’s right; because S isn’t encouraging me to drive the system to panic and possibly death again, it’s “not working”. Because S is doing her job and actually helping in a way that didn’t cause us to split 60+ times (I’m not even fucking joking), she’s wrong. CAHMS “method” literally almost caused me to go dormant, several near-deaths, months worth of doubt to the point where I was fucking banned from fronting because multiple of us including myself were so dangerously close to fucking up our own life permanently, and accusing us of being created/imaginary/hallucinations/lies/etc. And guess what, NONE OF IT WORKED!! I don’t understand why they keep trying to disprove it when everything they’ve done has failed, and they’ve by definition alone almost diagnosed me with DID already!! We’ve been so much happier dealing with this shit alone tbh.

S has been our main therapist for over 5+ years. We’ve been seeing her since we were 12. Our old host told her about the system before I even existed. Of course we fucking trust her, she’s known us for longer than any of the doctors at CAHMS, and she’s also just better at her job honestly (in more ways that just related to this).

Also CAHMS had a few comments about our C-PTSD. Apparently we:

Don’t have PTSD, but we do have…

Traumagenic synesthesia (which isn’t a thing)

Traumagenic gender dysphoria (trauma started at age 6 and we came out as trans at 3 so either we’re a time traveller or someone’s crap at their job)

And Traumagenic homosexuality! No, I am not fucking joking, this is in my actual literal medical records!!

Oh, and also developmental trauma, which is the CAHMS way of saying “yeah you have C-PTSD but we don’t wanna call it that bc we don’t wanna treat you”.

They also claimed that autism causes auditory hallucinations (hearing voices) and identity confusion (alters). Gotta love 60+ year old doctors who haven’t done any catch-up courses, am I right?

So yeah, CAHMS is a joke.

-🌸

[machtaholic]

My 2023 According to AO3

Kudos:1,405

Comment Threads:31

Bookmarks:355

Subscriptions:27

Word Count:127,587

Hits:13,201

I posted TWELVE fics in 2023!!! One in The Witcher fandom (Geralt x Jaskier) and ELEVEN in the Stranger Things fandom (Steve x Eddie)!

The Witcher:

A Change of Face

“Well, put it back,” Jaskier demanded. “I don’t want this face. I want your face.” Just a quick, slightly cracky (but perhaps plausible?) explanation for why Geralt will look different in Season 4.

Stranger Things (oldest to newest):

You Are Your Own Magician

"What do you do when you realize you've been living a life that other people have told you you should be leading?" Steve realizes that he hasn't been making his own choices for a long time and decides to change that … and then Eddie returns.

I Want Candy

The Party all goes to Steve's for a swim in the pool. When they arrive they find Steve in the driveway washing his car. Eddie is aroused.

I WIll Sing You a Praise Chorus

“How much of Steve is a mask and how much of it is real?” Eddie whispered. “Now that is the question,” Nancy replied. “I think only Steve knows the answer.” “Huh.” Now there was a mystery Eddie was eager to crack. Eddie works to crack the mystery of Steve Harrington and reaps the rewards.

A New Style

Steve gets a haircut. Eddie gets feral.

A Different Kind of Brave

Eddie ends up in Indianapolis and runs into Steve at the most unexpected of places … the Glamour Haven Institute where Eddie finds himself one of Steve's clients. And this Steve is different than the Steve Eddie knew back in Hawkins. Realizations are made and revelations revealed but something is still stopping Steve from being his new self back in Hawkins. Can Eddie help Steve push past his nerves and free himself? Spoiler alert -> yes, Eddie can.

5 Times Eddie Sabotaged Steve's Dates (+1 Time Where Eddie was the Date)

points to title Steve has a very specific list of qualities for someone to date, but somehow doesn't seem to use his own criteria. So Eddie does it for him. And discovers maybe he's actually the perfect person for Steve.

You Happen to Me All Over Again

It's Memorial Day Weekend 1990 - four years have passed since Eddie Munson was lost to the Upside Down and everyone has tried to move on. But then something happens at the Creel House and the Upside Down spits something out. Or rather, something. The Upside Down expels one Eddie Munson. And the only person he seems to recognize is Steve so he's taken to Seve's to recover. And maybe, just maybe, the two of them can help each other heal.

I'm Lost (I'm Found) In You

All the stress and trauma Steve has gone through made him start to go prematurely grey at the age of 20. So he wants to fix it. Eddie convinces him to keep it.

You Can't Rehearse the Chorus

Corroded Coffin is a famous band, selling out arenas after opening for Metallica. Eddie Munson, it's lead, has some very specific needs. And his manager Nancy always makes sure he has what he needs. During Corroded Coffin's Indianapolis shows, Nancy finds what Eddie needs … Only it's Steve Harrington, Eddie's crush from high school. And for Steve, finding out his client is Eddie is … surprising. They have a whole week together - what happens when it's all over?

Destiny Inn

It's the first Christmas post losing Eddie - Steve is on a quick road trip and trying to get home in time for Christmas Eve. He stops at a roadside motel called Destiny Inn where he sleeps. And dreams. Of Eddie. But it's just a dream, right? Or does Destiny have a plan for him? [spoiler - totally not a dream wink]

To the Gods I Will Speak Bluntly as We Traverse the Road to Right

When the emperor with the golden heart and the unknown demi-god unite, Vecna’s reign will end. In a world filled with magic, gods and goddesses, where a prophecy is destined to bring Eddie and Steve together and a vengeful god will do anything to keep them apart, can Eddie and Steve find their way to each other and achieve their happily ever after? [NOTE: Billy is NOT GOOD in this fic, please be forewarned]

[partiallypearl]

sambea headcanons

NOTE: this all takes place in my own little universe of ftws where sam comes to alfea for his final year and beatrix comes back to life mid s3 so second/third year for the girls + riven and sky. cool cool. 

tagging @peek-a-bloom @loveisthemoment @septemberrie bc we were yelling abt this together in the winxsource discord server 

when beatrix first comes back to life, everyone is understandably like what the fuck, so she finds herself alone. like most of the time. (the winx girls minus stella basically all have pretty complicated feelings about her bc of her flip flopping between being good and bad and all of that) 

similarly, people kind of know what sam was planning to do to rosalind and while everyone agrees she deserved to die, they uhhhh don’t exactly trust him 

as a result, both of them are kind of left on their own for the first time without anyone in their corner. they find themselves both struggling to figure out who they are now - beatrix without andreas and without the status quo she had achieved thru her power over everybody else, and sam with the newfound anger he feels about the situation alfea has been put in 

by pure chance, they end up having to work on a project together for some random class and initially they barely speak. but over the two weeks, they work together, they realize they actually have quite a bit in common. 

they both feel a lot of anger/distrust towards the adults in their lives due to emotional manipulation and lies that they grew up with. as well as that, beatrix is genuinely (or well as genuinely as beatrix can be) trying to be good and make better decisions and who else but maybe sam could do that for her? 

long story short, they kind of become friends by accident? sam decides that he’s going to be nice to beatrix bc it won’t hurt anyone (and he also gets what she’s going through) and beatrix is like ???? bc, she’s not used to people being nice to her without some sort of ulterior motive. 

again, beatrix has a lot of trauma that she’s beginning to unpack w the help of stella from her father and all of that. so sam being all nice to her? confusing as fuck. she’s like you don’t gain anything from being nice to me why are u doing this and sam’s like why would i need to gain something in order to be nice to u? 

this goes on for like a month. beatrix being kind of freaked out about it but also a little bit flattered and sam just wanting to make a friend 

sam also fully knows everything beatrix has done, but he is like everybody deserves a second chance. especially when you’re manipulated into believing your actions are right. he also thinks she’s hot lol

beatrix is like hm. i’m gonna play along and basically kinda starts flirting with him mostly bc she thinks it’s fun but she also really likes the attention 

she also sees how sam is kind of a loose cannon and she’s like i can use that. 

sam on the other hand is like a pretty girl is flirting with me and she gets my vague murderous tendencies??? BET

he’s also dealing with some uhhh inferiority complex issues bc of his breakup w musa and beatrix definitely preys on that

i just really like the idea of beatrix seeing sam and seeing how he’s immensely angry about basically everything all the time and how he’s so smart but no one acknowledges it and she’s like i see this and i will figure out some way to use it 

but also!!! sam teaches beatrix that it’s okay to be mad at andreas and rosalind and sebastian for taking advantage of her and that she’s not a bad person for making the choices she made 

and just the two of them casually being evil together but also healing from the shit they both went through??? YEAH

anyways just sambea shit 

[intrepidradish]

Tldr: John Crichton saved Scorpius's life

Spoilers for the end of Farscape and the Peacekeeper Wars

I always feel like my meta is shit, and proves I'm obsessive, but here you go.

Let's talk about Scorpius's revenge. At the start of the show, he's working for the Peacekeepers to find a way to slaughter all Scarrans. He has decided that the best way to do this is using wormhole tech. He then meets John, and he realizes he needs John to succeed in his ultimate goal, genocide.

However, he doesn't really achieve genocide. Instead he achieves a peace treaty. The Scarrans live. They don't suffer, and they have a brighter, less cruel future with the Eidolons. He seems content with this outcome, but how does it satisfy his hunger for revenge?

The Scarrans aren't punished.

Let's rewind a little. That article recently about Harvey and John Crichton's trauma got me thinking. Yes John is new to trauma but you know who isn't ... Scorpius. He's trauma incarnate. He has so much unprocessed trauma. His idea of processing what happened to him is work for years, possibly decades, possibly centuries(???) to murder an entire alien race.

Which, if you know the tropes about revenge arcs, will be ultimately unsatisfying. Murdering people doesn't heal the murderer even if they deserve it (and I'd like to point out that the entire Scarran race doesn't deserve it. They even showed us a nice scarran in the show. Farscape is too morally gray to make an entire race evil. It goes against the themes.)

Scorpius is a logical guy but he's got many many things against him. He tends to think in absolutes (*gestures to the genocide*) When he gets impatient, people suffer and often die (*gestures to Aeryn's death and the 10000 slaves*). He is woefully bad at recognizing his emotions outside of which ones make his body heat up and cause physical pain (*gestures to all the time he gets angry and then feels bad about later.*)

And his solution to his trauma is murdering the Scarrans. He is inflexible in this and that is absolutely batshit crazy delusional.

Crichton sees that. Whereas other people want to (ab)use that to its logical end, more accumulated power for themselves.

Let's play a game, imagine Scorpius successfully gained access to the wormhole weapon without John. He would use it. Destroy the Scarrans and then... probably kill himself.

If you're looking at me like wtf? Hear me out.

Who really killed his mother? Scorpius did. Rape didn't kill her. Rape made her go crazy. But giving birth to Scorpius is what ultimately killed her. If Scorpius followed through with killing all the Scarrans, the only person left to punish would be himself. He wouldn't have found another solution. He wouldn't have come to terms with anything but violence and hatred, I think ultimately would lead him into suicide or at least extreme risk taking behavior. Poetically, he'd probably die from the wormhole weapon. Nice and neat. Everyone that's guilty dead at once. Maybe the rest of the universe would go too. Simple.

The fact that John was so headstrong about Scorpius's fucking crazy plan gave Scorpius several moments of pause. After all no one else was going to stop him. His plan benefited them too much!

I don't know where Scorpius started to wake up to the idea maybe he didn't want to kill everyone. We don't get a lot of insight into his thought process. I'd like to think something changed before he went looking for Aeryn, his boarding ticket for getting on Moya in Season 4. That would be after being "killed" by Grayza and buried in a ditch. Maybe he did some self reflection for once. Maybe he soured on the Peacekeepers a little. Maybe he took a look at his own fragile morality and thought 'This isn't the peace I'm looking for.'

Because on Moya, suddenly he's fine with any solution to the Scarran problem and it's less about his revenge and more about the galaxy's safety. He's also trying to appeal to John's human morality (a foreign concept for him). He's still a manipulative bastard. But he came around to this altered plan, didn't he?

Peace with his enemies. Not death .

John helped him consider alternatives. Scorpius found peace regarding his mother's death and gets to live now. How's that for some healed trauma!

[avipersaud]

SOME BASIC STATS

Name: Avi Persaud.

Age: Thirty-Two.

Gender: cis male, he/him.

Sexuality: Bisexual.

Birthday: March 15th, 1990.

Location: Seattle, Washington.

Birthplace: Seattle, Washington.

Career: Advertising Graphics and Marketing Freelancer.

ABOUT HIS LIFE

( tw pregnancy )

Avi Persaud would be the first one to tell anyone that there wasn't anything special to tell about his life. He was born to two loving parents in a cute home on a neighborly street by a good school in Seattle, Washington. But the truth was, his past just wasn't something he wanted to talk about. Sure, he was born to loving parents in a loving home, but the moment his dad walked out of their yellow front door, everything changed. He watched his mom struggle to keep them afloat as he grew up, taking on odd jobs as soon as he was able to to contribute and care for his mom the way she cared for him.

The days he'd spent drawing with sticks in the mud and chalk on the sidewalk throughout his childhood, an actual talent for putting a marker to paper, was traded for something more reasonable as he worked his way through college, coming out on the other end with a marketing degree. It wasn't much, but it allowed him to get some low ladder sales job to take care of himself and his mom.

The big break came when two of his friends, brothers with big dreams and not so bad ideas, came to him with a pitch for an app and a request to borrow some of Avi's unused artistic talent. Not thinking much of it, he helped out and continued on with his nine to five office job to bring in a consistent paycheck. The day the app took off and the brothers showed up with his cut felt otherworldly, Avi having no clue what to do with the money outside of putting it in a savings account and allowing it to collect interest while he processed what he had achieved.

And while the money stayed in that account for years, he found himself having more courage to abandon his office job in sales and combining his passion for art and his knowledge for marketing, chasing after his dream, with the successful app on his resume, and finally achieving it. His work started for local companies but eventually grew to catch the attention of a larger scale of clientele, some of the most notable brands coming to him for his advertising art in logos, graphics, and commercials.

It was only after he'd had his daughter, Mila, (leaving his history with the mother up for discussion with her wanted connection) that Avi touched the money in his savings, pulling out just enough for a safe SUV and a new family home in Sudden Valley, one with a separate suite for his mom, who helps him care for his Mila as her mother left soon after she was born, and a decently sized backyard for his daughter to grow up in.

With his career blooming in ways he couldn't imagine, mostly working freelance jobs so he could work on his own schedule from home, and his mom traveling often to stay with a man she was now dating in another state, Avi ventured back into the dating world and met Aksel, a woman he found himself having a difficult time not falling for, even introducing her to his then two year old daughter, things seemingly going amazing until they weren't, the woman abruptly putting a stop to things and taking his heart with her.

The last year brought about a lot of changes for Avi, including his daughter's mother coming back into their lives and moving in with him as they decided to try (and are currently failing) to make a relationship work for their daughter.

HEADCANONS

Even though Avi's father walked out of their lives through a yellow painted door, he still agreed to paint his own door yellow when his three year old daughter recently requested the color because it made her happy, healing some of his childhood trauma in the process.

His coffee order is a grande hot cappuccino. He finds the premade dispensable ones from gas stations okay, but always spends a few extra dollars on ones from the coffee shop when he needs a pick me up (and always spares a cake pop for Mila when he makes the trip).

[eveliina186]

Society's losers. Suicidal losers. Bullied losers. Drug losers. And losers in love.

What is a loser for you?

A loser is someone who doesn't fit into the social canons and sees himself outside of society and society also shuts him/her out because of that.

A Loser is a person who has reached a point where he can't stand his life and has to do things that he has to do to escape from his reality. This society is set up so that you end up being a loser, no matter how hard they try to say otherwise (The American dream). Are we losers? Yes, we are. Proud? Of course we are.

Today the psychologist told me that I am angry with the world. What could have happened? I want to kill myself. It's something that happened when you were 5 years old. Why don't we get over it? Because we're fucking losers.

What makes a loser be a loser, his circumstance or his self? Maybe it's clinical derpession.

It's also situational that makes you a loser. It's not fitting into a system, into a mold, so whatever surrounds you and discriminates you makes you a loser. Because there is a false idea of winners and losers. It is an illusion that capitalism has created, to separate the people who are worth and those who are not worth, those who are useful and those who are not. It is to be productive for the system and for the microsystem that is the family. Do you know why we fight so hard to spread the importance of public mental health and achieve almost nothing? Because the powerful are not interested in people starting to be well in the head and heal their traumas, because people who have depression are worthless, do not produce and bring problems. They are not interested in keeping us alive. There are thousands of suicides a year (in any nation) Are they doing anything about it? Other than putting up a useless phone number. An outsider doesn't produce in the same way that a person who doesn't rethink their life produces. People who are outsiders reveal themselves in some way and see the seams in the system. Not wanting to be part of the norm. One fucking phone number for a country of millions of people, do they think they are saving the world with that? It's putting a wet band-aid on a huge wound. They can put public psychologists and they have the money for that project, but they don't want to spend it on that because it doesn't suit them and they are going to let us slit our wrists (message to anyone who has any kind of command or important position in the government). If they want us dead, be honest and say so, that is better than giving false hopes.

“The system is going to protect us, keep us alive and happy, I trust it fully” said no one ever.

Maybe you are saying that blaming the system all the time is too easy. No, you must think that there are people who are born with a looser tendency to struggle. That may happen that there are people who generate their own misery and their own undoing.

But most psychopathic losers are not born, they are created by the system. Do you know what is one of the reasons why people are terribly bad, depressed and suicidal? Fucking money. And that's the system's fault. Your father can work 16 hours a day, barely have any time left to interact with you and still not have enough money to make ends meet and you'll still be short of food at home and you'll have a father you can barely know because he's working all day and so your childhood sucks. Is it the kid's fault?

Hit rock bottom to stay alive. Something as necessary as the air we breathe.

Is a message from the movie “Fight Club”: when you lose everything you are free to act.

And not being able to see beyond, a typical symptom of depression that is not often talked about. How do you explain to someone who has never had depression what “not being able to see beyond” is? It is something very specific. It's being anywhere and saying “I can't imagine myself living another second and I can't bear the thought of continuing this life”. It's the most horrible feeling in life. When you are in that tunnel of not seeing beyond (you don't know it's a tunnel, in those moments you only see a wall) the only thing you can see is the ceiling. You can play games, watch a movie, many things. But you don't even have the motivation to get up and go pee. And it all builds up inside you.

Let's see, it's not good to hit rock bottom because it's dangerous and you may not get out. But if you see that you can't stop going down to hell, don't worry so much about hitting bottom. There will come a time when you will get fed up with yourself and you will say: this is it, you have to get out of the pit. There is no other way out of depression. No matter how much you go to the loony bin, if you never get to say “I hate myself, I'm sick of myself”, there are two solutions: I shoot myself or I try to live. You can't live locked up in a room, however tempting it may be, because otherwise you fall into the apathy of depression. And emptiness is far worse than any physical pain. The emptiness of depression is nothingness. You can be blank, staring at the wall, and you can spend hours dissociating. But underneath that apathy is the pain that brings you out of it.

If there is no rebellion that comes from pain and nonconformity, there is no hope.

Sadness is rebellion.

You have to hit rock bottom before you can start living. And when you hit rock bottom you learn many things, like the priorities of life, what really matters.

And when you come out of the depression (if you come out), or when you relapse, you have the learning you have acquired from the depression and that serves you for your whole life and you become a much more assertive person and much more empathetic and a fucking decent person. Not like shallow people who go through life without empathy thinking that others are their pawns in a game of checkers and they think they can go through life doing whatever they want to do in life. *A person who has depression does not go around playing with people's feelings because they are terrified of making someone else feel the suffering they have already experienced. Basic people are the meanest.

Fictional loser characters, our own: The characters in the movie Little Miss Sunshine.

Dwayne, a teenager who has made a promise to himself: to be an aviator, to escape “flying” from that family he detests, and he has imposed selective mutism on himself until he achieves that goal. Frank, the uncle who tried to commit suicide. He is gay, his boyfriend has left him and he has lost his job.

 Olive, the little girl who dreams of being a beauty queen, but is the furthest thing from hegemony.

 Sheryl, Olive and Dwayne's mother, who never makes ends meet.

 The grandfather who has been kicked out of the nursing home for using cocaine and is a burden on the family (one of the best characters). Poverty is very present in this story.

But, the biggest loser of that family and the only really pathetic one is the one who doesn't fit in society but wants to fit in at all costs: Richard, Sheryl's husband, father of the girl. He believes in the American dream. As much as he tries to fit in (and pursue financial success as his mecca and pretend his daughter is a deluded beauty queen), he doesn't see that it will never happen, he doesn't see reality. Society sells us on being happy rock stars. But if you don't fit in, if your social status doesn't reach or if they don't like your looks, stop trying, those are NOT your people. He thinks that if he has the perfect family, society will accept him.

Society will never accept you, because it is an illusion.

But when you are told that the dream of your life can never be fulfilled and the illusion of your life is shattered it is like a grenade exploding inside your chest, something that not many can survive. The uncle experiences that shattering from the beginning of the movie. Dwayne experiences it when he learns that because of a problem with his vision he won't be able to be a pilot. But both emerge. Can the father, the “perfect” one, emerge when his turn comes? The only one who manages to motivate Dwayne to get out of the pit is his little sister Olive, because she is the only innocent one. If you still have innocence left, are you a loser? No, because innocence is hope. The girl wasn't a loser at all, she hadn't burned bridges like the others.

And the uncle's words of encouragement to Dwayne: Life is like fucking high school. Make the most of school because that's when you're going to suffer the most in your life, but it's the time that's going to shape you into a decent person in this life. Save some innocence. That pain, from possible bullying, will give you strength. Once you get over being a loser in school, you've got the heaven won. If you get over that, everything after that will be shit compared to that.

Then people wonder why high schools have shootings? That's the true face of the American Dream.

Bullying in school is objectively hell on Earth. It's a place where you're going to suffer every day and you can't tell anyone, because if you tell it's worse. You have to endure that pain, you have to make it to the end alive, I beg you, because it will mean a rebirth. You're better than those people. You know what Sweet Revenge is after that? Seeing on Facebook or Instagram the pictures of your ruined bullies, seeing that your bullie cut his life short by getting his girlfriend pregnant too young, and that the peak of glory in his life was when he called you a “loser” in high school, and that he will never be able to get higher than that, than being the soccer star and that his life and youth is prematurely over.

We, the losers, may even commit suicide. But even if it comes to that, we will NEVER have our peak of glory in high school. Our time in high school was a survival and we didn't think we were the kings of the jungle. Our life will go on much better than before and better than theirs. This is what Dwayne and his uncle's talk in Little Miss Sunshine refers to. They recognize reality, they know they are losers and they accept it. And Little Miss Sunshine's grandfather, another great character. He is granddaughter's coach in her beauty queen career, and didn't want to set a bar or give her an impossible goal to aspire to, like her father. He let her be and created a dance routine according to her, for her to have fun. Grandpa knows that she, despite not being a loser per se, has the curse of poverty and being in a family of “losers”. And knowing one's limitations is the right thing to do. He created a show for her. A “Super freak” show. Grandpa knew how to do terrorism: he put a bomb, which is the girl, in that beauty contest. A critique of beauty contest.  The ending of Little Miss sunshine is the victory of the freaks and the losers. It is incredible, the best ending. Victory must be personal and not fit into a social system. This movie teaches us that, we as losers, our duty is to do the rebellion, is to do the terrorism at the winners' table.

Another undeniable side of the loser's world: drug addiction.

Drugs can be a great lifesaver, it abstracts you from the society that pushes you to the margins. How do you manage your chemistry when your chemistry is very worn out? Sometimes you miss feeling something in your heart too much. It's one more escape from life. But it's an escape that screws up your life. It is a very recurrent theme in depressive people, something that must be approached with less prejudice. You have to talk without taboos, because the truth will set you free.

If you are like Renton from the movie Transpotting, who is addicted to heroin, it is a very clear theme to represent, because heroin is a drug that makes you give a shit about everything, it is an opiate that destroys your life. As Renton says, heroin makes the only thing you care about in life is the next shot you're going to take. And that takes away a lot of your worries. It's an attractive thing to fall into. Opiates are for people who can't handle their reality, and it's something that very intelligent (and the most intelligent and aware) people can fall into. Being increasingly aware of the bitter reality and not being able to handle what you discover. It's not always just junkies, depression is a major factor in the descent into drugs. And drug addicts are society losers, and the most marginalized. Imagine a perfect American family, what do they do with a drug addict member? they marginalize them, they hide them. Film where a previously depressed person falls into drugs: My own private Idaho.

The drug changes the person and turns him into an addict. And society only sees that last phase of that depression. It sees only an addict. Have you asked him before you judge him why he became addicted?

Life is sometimes unbearable. Sometimes it is not possible to live another second in a vacuum.

Also don't judge the person who uses a straw and accuse him of polluting the ocean with it. When there are thousands of companies polluting the air. Look at the fucking enemy above. Stop judging the one who is just as fucked up as either us or the one who is more fucked up than you. It's a bigger problem than you think. The enemy is not your neighbor struggling to pay rent like you, the enemy is the owner of the building.

Drugs is an escape candy. The people upstairs are also bored with their perfect lives and looking for escape.

Another important pillar: losers in love.

The protagonist of the film Nowhere by director Gregg Araki. He knows that the world is absurd and the world is going to end, and he wants to find something true. Love. He wants to find someone pure with whom he wants to share experiences. He wants to experience something real, something that will save him from the daily doldrums. Director Gregg Araki, despite dealing a lot with sex, HIV and drugs in his films, is a director who focuses on the search for idealized love. The search for love in a world where you feel alone because it is a mess. Hopelessness reigns and the search for love as faith.

If we are losers in everything, we are also losers in love. And what is the most loser thing that can happen to you in love? Here we bare souls: the worst thing is that you have many tender feelings for a person and that you believe that person has the same kind of feelings, and that it fills your soul to think of that person, and suddenly you find out that you mean nothing to that person. Finding out that for her/him you are just another contact in her/his address book to call when she/he gets bored. The curse of the loser in love.

When you have been a loser and have suffered, you naturally avoid playing with other people's feelings. And you take love seriously. We are also aware that people with depression often have abandonment issues. You see everything as a blur and you are an observer. You observe everything from a distance, like the protagonist in Catcher in the Rye.

And you just want to share your observations, from love.

There's a moment in the “Daria” series where she talks to Trent, the one she likes, her best friend's older brother. The cool guy talks to the nerdy girl. She thinks they've had a very deep conversation. And they have had it. But then another girl shows up, attractive, the one Trent likes, and he leaves with her. And Daria's like “what I thought happened was a lie?” It's heartbreaking. But it was real. It's ALWAYS real. Get it through your heads, you know what happens? He probably did like you. But the fucking system scares popular people, the people at the top, the system scares them because of the possibility of falling down. There was curiosity and connection. But to be with the nerd is to fall down. But they always end up going back to the losers, because the losers are real people. They are the real ones. The ones who truly have the street.

Enough of using people like they're your fucking toys and enough of this absurd competition of “if I fuck more people, I win. If you fuck less, you're a loser.” Some people are smart. WTF. Sexual freedom is fine. What we support is you using people to fill gaps, to gain external validation and to fill her with false fantasies. We don't support using her for her body and expecting her (to listen to your conversations and care about you) if you can't give the same. It's wrong to believe that love is like that in modernity, and if you believe it you're a shit. Freedom is one thing, debauchery is another. Sex addiction gives cringe. If you're not in a repressive country, don't think you're cool for fucking more and more people. Sexual liberation should involve not pressuring anyone, not even yourself.

Doing it for the sake of doing it to fill gaps, because I'm sad... it's cringe. It's not organic, it doesn't flow that way.

The system imposes having sex. It wants to convince you that not having sex is a shame that you should get rid of as soon as possible. And it shouldn't be that way. And you end up copying what you see in porn and not feeling anything.

Being losers, being an outsider is good, because it gives you freedom. You live life more or less as you want, with those you want, with those you consciously choose, (if you know other losers, you can create your own little sect of losers) and you live more comfortably, without the pressure of perfection before society.

Having a perfect relationship is not the only way to find love. “Only fools have good relationships” Seymour, Ghost World, 2001.

When society sets a very high goal (business models, seduction courses, beauty standards), the powerful know that the majority will never get there, even if you pull out your fingernails you will never get there. This is the basis of advertising and pyramid scams. The system just throws you a bone to bite on. But not everything that oppresses you is real.

There is one thing that fills my soul, and that is: terminal illness. No matter how much money you have, you eat cancer and I eat it. And there we are all the same.

If capitalism were to fall, everyone would be scared to death and looking for a team. When the seeds of the false society fall, the liberation you feel is to realize that in reality there are more possibilities, the truth is what you find with your intelligence. When a seed falls, you feel a relief. If you have done things right, if you have been observant, empathetic and attentive, you can see your learning process. That's where you see who survives. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Movies about losers: Submarine. Little Miss Sunshine. Ghost World. Transpotting. Nowhere. Wellcome to the dollhouse. My own private Idaho. Daria (series). Gummo. The idiots, by Lars Von Trier. Trash humpers. Kids. Manolito gafotas.

And the manga Koe no katachi, personal recommendation about bullyng ins school.

This text in not mine, is my almost completely accurate transcription of a podcast in Spanish from the youtube channel “Soy una pringada”. Podcast titled “Club de fans de Shrek #15: Perdedores”.

[drskuter]

Spare

I'm scratching my head, trying to understand what it was Prince Harry was hoping to achieve with the writing and publication of his tell-all book, "Spare," released yesterday.

I mean, what - besides fame and fortune - he was trying to achieve.

Don't get me wrong: I actually applaud him for speaking his truth and doing what he felt he needed to do as part of any healing that needed to take place in his heart. Being the third child in a family of overachievers, I fully understand what it's like to be the "underling" who is often compared to one's older siblings.

On the same token, I am unconvinced that Prince Harry's sharing of some of the intimate moments that took place in his relationship with his father and brother will, in fact, bring a sense of healing and closure. I could be wrong. I don't know the guy. I don't fully appreciate the traumas he's endured, starting with the death of his gorgeous mom, Princess Diana, back in 1997, and being coerced into walking behind her casket the day of her funeral. That was just ghastly.

But, was it really necessary of him to discuss the number of "kills" he made in Afghanistan? How he lost his virginity? His drug use? I don't know ... call me crazy or naive, but I just don't see how this helps.

Prince Harry has said in many interviews that he would like the family rift to be closed, for there to be healing, and to have his father and brother "back." Um ... I don't see this happening any time soon.

I was prompted to write a few reflections on this just as soon as I saw a photo, posted to CNN, of the Princess of Wales (Catherine), behind the wheel of her SUV/mom car, looking sullen. Not her beautiful, vibrant self. Concerned. And probably more than a tad dazed by the whole circus of it all.

Let me be clear: were I an actual citizen of the United Kingdom, I'd be a royalist. I truly believe that they could have done much more to protect the Duchess of Sussex from the inflammatory racism that infiltrates the British press. They missed an extraordinary opportunity to bring new awareness of this scourge and stopped it in its tracks. And, yet, I have the greatest respect for the Royal Family, and I believe they have, in recent years, done what they can to acknowledge the darker sides of their country's past, and work toward building bridges with those who've they oppressed. There's work to be done, to be sure. They are not at all perfect. They are flawed, just like then rest of us. But I don't think they are horrid.

I honestly hope that the Duke and Duchess of Sussex find closure and peace, and embark upon forward-looking and uplifting work for the benefit of others. They live a life of privilege few will ever experience; while their pain is real, they have unlimited resources to rewrite their narratives and work for the greater good. And I'm kind of glad they now live in California.

Ultimately, I would hope that the adults in this fiasco rise to the occasion, at the very least, to ensure that there is some level of familial harmony for sake of the next generation of Little Royals: George, Charlotte, Louie, Archie and Lilibet. If history continues to repeat itself, those five will be publishing tell-all books of their own in the next 20 years. It'd be best to avoid that, I think.

[arty-shadow-morningstar]

Graveyard Siblings (5)

[Masterlink] (PART 1) (PART 4)

-----

Mari and Cass sometimes switch their suits as they have the same body type. Cass would sometimes go out in full Hellbat gear and give the appearance that Hellbat is out more often than she actually is.

So Orphan/Black Bat also sometimes uses guns.

This also helps with concealing secret identities. Maria was rescued by Hellbat from Joker’s Henchmen. (Vicki Vale was getting sus of the new Wayne and Hellbat.)

Unfortunately since Hellbat rarely comes out and she had already made all of her appearance for the month and it wasn’t a busy weekend, the public had come to the conclusion that Hellbat has a crush on the newest Wayne.

Basically everyone thought that Mari has a crush on herself. Which led to some teasing and escalated to Mari announcing that Jason had a crush on Red Hood on live TV.

It didn’t help that a video of Red Hood and Jason re-enacting Romeo and Juliet with Jason on his apartment balcony and Red Hood on the roof was posted on the internet a few days later. (Thank you, Trixx and Tim’s awesome video editing skills)

Sadly, it was taken down 24 hours later. (Tim and the others have multiple copies of it, on the cloud or hardware, hidden around in the manor and their respective safehouses in the US.)

Some people kidnapped Jason to hopefully gain leverage over the Red Hood and to their dismay and nightmares for years to come, Hellbat came instead.

One lucky and incredibly brave reporter asked why she was there instead of her brother.

Mari being a little shit, “Red Hood may be a tough and scary guy but when it comes to his feelings, my brother is a chicken.”

Pictures of Jason tackling Hellbat somehow never made it into any papers.

The criminal underworld hasn’t taken a hint and Jason has been kidnapped a few more times.

Other times Jason was kidnapped:

Robin: Red Hood made a fool of himself in front of Todd recently and he doesn’t dare to show his face.

Spoiler: He was taking too damn long checking his hair even though I told him that no one was going to see it under his helmet and he was so offended that he is currently sulking in the bathroom.

Red Robin: Red Hood can’t think straight when he is around Jason. I mean have you seen the dude.

Arsenal*during a rare visit to Gotham*: Red Hood owes me one now.

Dick finally ends it by going out as Red Hood and rescuing Jason. Gotham is happy that Redson (Red Hood x Jason) ship has finally sailed.

-------

Kate, Babs, Cass, Steph and Mari were out on Mari’s first girls’ night since her move to the manor.

This is set a little after she came back from Paris with Jason.

They watched rom-com movies, did hair and nails, gossip about the superhero community and bitch and vent to each other.

Marinette off-handedly mentioned the crazy shits she had done during her stint as Ladybug. It started with asking about the T-rex in the Batcave and she mentions jumping into the mouth of a live one before.

Everyone in the room was shocked and after a few more questions, it was obvious that she was very reckless and self-sacrificing. Yep, she was going to fit into this crazy family just fine.

And Holy Shit. There is so much trauma packed into this kid. She needs lots of therapy.

Babs finally decided that they all needed to get out and have some fun. All in their respective suits and they went out.

Joined by Harley, Ivy and Selina.

Plagg came along because I want Plagg to meet Selina.

It was a chaotic night and it was a miracle that Bruce didn’t find out about what the girls did.

-------

Batman and Red Hood were on patrol together when Selina jumped in front of them.

“Hello, Boys”

“What do you want, Catwoman?”

“I want to meet my new prodigy, Kitty Noire.”

Cue Marinette jumping down from her hiding spot, transformed with the Black Cat Miraculous. “Hiya.”

Red Hood carries her like a potato sack and points his gun at the other two.

“Nope, she’s my sister and I called dibs. I adopted her. She’s off limits.”

“Legally, she’s mine.” Batman coughed out.

“I did it first. Emotionally. She’s my emotional support sister. You have plenty kids already, B and Selina, get your own.”

“Hey, I am still here and can hear you.”- Maria

-------

Alya was worried for Lila. She had been acting weirdly for the past month.

She looked very out of sorts. Her clothes weren’t in order and her hair was in disarray. She had bags under her eyes and her eyes looked wild. Lila didn’t look like herself at all.

She jumped at any sound and flinched at really sudden movements.

Alya tried to find out what was wrong with Lila and received vague answers.

One time Lila said that Marinette is to blame.

Alya reaches the somewhat right conclusion that Marinette was haunting Lila and hurting her because Lila used to come to school with bruises and claims that Marinette did it.

Alya goes to Marinette’s grave to desecrate it. (Yeah, go anger the ghost that is haunting someone.)

Unfortunately, the moment she tries to do something, the sky turns dark, clouds appear and the wind begins whipping. A Lightning strike near her and there was a cloaked figure beside her with a scythe.

All Alya saw from the figure was the blood-red lips in a very sharp grin and glowing blue eyes, raising the scythe high before she ran away. The scythe swiped the air where her head once was.

Alya didn’t get far before she tripped and blacked out.

When she woke up, she found herself in the hospital with no idea how she got there.

She was told that somebody found her with a concussion in the park and took her to the hospital.

------

The next one on Mari’s hit list was Natalie.

She wasn’t as involved in the whole thing like Lila, Adrien or Gabriel but she still did it anyways.

Her punishment is a little mild compared to the others and was more of a warning to Gabriel.

Natalie woke up in the middle of the night to see a not-so-dead Ladybug sitting on her vanity chair with the moonlight from the windows illuminating her body and her neck. Her suit was torn exactly like the day of that battle with blood dripping down her arms and from her open wounds. The shadows kept her face hidden but glowing blue eyes stared at her.

Natalie was scared at first. But she regained her normal cool composure.

“I assume you are here to extract your revenge for aiding in your unfortunate demise. But before you kill me, I regret my part in my entire thing and I apologize for everything I have done against you even though I knew it was wrong.”

“At least you show remorse over what you have done. Visiting my grave when even my parents didn’t and leaving flowers. I love those purple hyacinths by the way. Did you know that they mean sorry in the language of the flowers?”

“Why are you stalling my death? Just kill me already.”

“Madam Sancouer. You just played a minor role in my downfall compared to what Adrien and Lila Rossi did to me. And you showed more guilt over your actions than they ever did and Adrien claimed to have loved me. And like I have told the Bats, Death is too swift of a punishment.”

“Who are the bats?”

“None of your concern. You should be more concerned about yourself.”

“Lila sees the ghosts of her past and they haunt her. Adrien is in a living nightmare and has no control over his actions and is despised by everyone. What are you going to do to me?”

“Well, since you show some guilt over your actions, let me tell you a little secret. I am not dead. Not really. I mean I did die. But there was a spell in the grimoire that revived me. It took a few days to work.”

Marinette changed to her normal form. It was a little jarring to see an older Marinette Dupain-Cheng sitting on her vanity chair like it was a throne. The Ladybug suit and the wounds were gone. She looked a little familiar.

“Why are you telling me this? What was the point?” Natalie faltered as she wondered why the girl looked familiar. Marinette moved closer and her face was fully illuminated by the moonlight.

“I intend to take everything by which I mean everything from Gabriel Agreste for what he did.”

“M. Agreste just wanted his wife back. You just gave him your Miraculous, you would still have everything.”

“What difference would it make? Sure I had friends and family before but they turned out to be disappointing. I might have become a famous designer like I dreamed of and can't achieve because I died. Besides, he never said about wanting his wife to come back in his tedious monologues. For all we knew back then, he wanted them for world domination. He showed that he would end the world for them. For kwamis’ sake, he nearly started World War III, just for a pair of earring and a ring. He was willing to kill me to have her back. No wait, he did that too. If he actually read the translated grimoire or asked the Guardian or at least someone with magic for help instead or maybe used his head and made some who can heal as his champion using the Butterfly, we wouldn’t even be in this mess. Face it, Mme Sancour, your boss is a power-hungry and very controlling maniac who is also thankfully an idiot.”

“But- he- he just-. You are just a child, what do you know? M. Agreste knew what he was doing.”

“A child who had a normal life up until he tried to ruin it with his idiotic schemes and hiring Lila to do it. A child who had to fight a war on her own.”

“I am sorry you had to go through that but I doubt you and your little revenge rampage is going to solve anything.”

Ghostly Chains wrapped around Natalie’s body, squeezing tight like it was squeezing the life out of her.

“I was all for sparing you, you know. If you had actually listened to my side of the story, you would have spared from my ‘little revenge rampage’. This is going to be a little painful. Sorry about that.” In a tone that was definitely not sorry.

Pain coursed through Natalie’s body. Her skin crawled and itched as pitch back feathers grew out of it. Her bones turned to dust and reformed.

Where Natalie Sancour once was, there was a raven.

An omen of death and destruction for one Gabriel Agreste.

Marinette leaned down towards the raven. Natalie tried to peck her eye out but Marinette held the beak in a firm grip.

“Ah. ah ah. Luckily for you this is temporary. Mostly. Every night, you will assume this shape and each night the longer you will stay in this form. Slowly counting down the days until Gabriel’s downfall. Since you love helping him so much, you are going to help him know how long he has to live. The night you are a raven from sunset to sunrise, that sunrise starts the day Gabriel Agreste will be utterly destroyed.”

She released the beak and headed towards the window.

"Send him my regards."

With that, she was gone.

(Part 6)

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

ahdflksjaklf;jsls ok buddies - I hate talking about 14x13: Lebanon, but it has relevancy in the “John Winchester is a villain and cannot and should not be redeemed” discourse as well as being a crucial piece of finale denialist lore so I Have Been Thinking About It Too Much.

As you may recall, the Occult Object of the Week - the pearl - in Lebanon is supposed to grant Dean’s “heart’s desire.” Dean and Sam are Very Sure this means expelling Michael (the Dean Winchester Must Be Saved installment of season 14) (honestly that premise always seemed a little slim to me, I was hoping for Dean’s heart’s desire to be Cas, on Dean’s car, naked, covered in bees). 

Instead they summon Dad of the Year, which at first feels infuriating.  However after discussion with my earworms, I Have Fixed It (and also turned it into a grenade to launch at 15x20.)

Finale denialists and John Winchester derogatorians ASSEMBLE! and let’s discuss after the cut.

I’ve written in depth about Dean’s struggles with the cycle of abuse, so I won’t go too far into it here, but if you want to revisit any of that meta this is a good place to begin.  This post hinges on the same theory - that Dean’s true freedom is established in his release from that cycle - that is the logical outcome of any hero’s journey for him, and where he would finally be able to accept happiness and love.  This logically would also make release from the cycle of abuse and the feelings of self-hatred Dean struggles with his “heart’s desire” for purposes of the pearl.  When it comes to emotions, we also know Dean doesn’t deal with them well.  He punches things instead.  So odds are, Dean hasn’t really worked through these feelings.  

Dean also mentions when John returns that “it was what [Dean] wanted since he was 4″ - when they lost Mary, right before John became obsessed with revenge.  Season 12 Mary canonically remembers John as a “good dad,” so we can draw a line from that to the abuse really starting shortly after her death.  This is also corroborated by Dean himself:

DEAN: You know when you died, it changed Dad. 

(A visual of the John Mary remembers) (just my excuse to put pictures of Matt Cohen on your dash) (I shouldn’t need an excuse) (Matt Cohen hi you are on Tumblr please don’t read any of this I’m embarrassed).

So what Dean has is pre-Mary’s-death John and post-Mary’s-death John, post-Mary’s-death John being the one whose abuse created Dean’s own damaged persona.  Dean thinks the fix is to stop things on the front end (he is ignoring any process-centered solution, he just wants it to never have happened, he is in denial that he has to work through this and just wants it to be erased, etc etc etc).  

***also keep in mind that going back in time to change things on the front end as a “fix it” is a storyline SPN repeats regularly***

***and it always ends up being impossible to do*** 

Ok so for Dean, his damage/anger/brutal nature/darkness is always linked to John, and this cycle “began” for Dean once their family was torn apart by Mary’s death.  So the fix is his “blood family” together.  That’s his heart’s desire in Lebanon because Dean hasn’t really worked through any of his emotions, and it’s his very Dean way of fixing it - “oh if my family gets put back together I will be put back together too.”

***speaking of quick fixes, I’d like to note that any case in SPN that is referred to as a “milk run”  inevitably becomes complicated and messy***

***continuing the thematics of there’s no such thing as a quick fix***

This is no different.  Stopping the cycle by simply erasing it from the narrative erases anything else that happened along the way during the journey.  It erases this Mary (who they know as a person by this point and not just the mom on a pedestal) 

and (most importantly) it erases this Cas (the episode specifically replaces Cas with one who Doesn’t Know Dean).

We Emphasize This Of Course In The Dialogue In Case You Missed It

DEAN Cas, you know us. ALTERNATE CAS I don’t know you.

***Simply erasing the origin of Dean’s trauma erases all of Dean’s growth.  It erases this family that Dean is so proud to tell John he has now. It erases everything he has already overcome despite how hard it was to achieve it.

So, John goes back.  In that way, the pearl does give Dean his heart’s desire - his realization that this is not about a quick fix, it is about the journey to the good, and all you gain and become along the way (kind of similar to “Happiness isn't in the having. It's in just being. It's in just saying it" eh?).  it’s the process.  It’s every moment along the way.  It’s the people who help him get there.

And then he starts the healing journey by taking control of his own life, by owning his feelings instead of displacing the blame, by recognizing he is NOT guided solely by the actions of his father and this cycle:

DEAN

And for the longest time, I blamed Dad. I mean, hell, I blamed Mom, too, you know? I was angry. But say we could send Dad back knowing everything. Why stop there? Why not send him even further back and let some other poor sons of bitches save the world? But here’s the problem. Who does that make us? Would we be better off? Well, maybe. But I gotta be honest – I don’t know who that Dean Winchester is.

And the episode fucking ends with Cas, the Cas Who Knows Them coming into the bunker and asking them what happened, calling each of them by name just to emphasize again That He Knows Them, because Cas knowing Dean, and Cas being Dean’s family is the cornerstone of what Dean’s heart desires.

[CAS walks in from the door at the top of the stairs. SAM, DEAN and MARY walk out from the library to see him.]

CAS Mary, Sam, Dean. What happened?

So yeah, it took 14 damn seasons but Lebanon is where Dean realizes he can be defined by more than the acts of his father.  (That’s why it’s so terrifying for Dean when Chuck snatches back any control he gained in Season 15.  Because for Dean, Chuck is just John Winchester Controls My Every Action all over again, except he’s God which makes it even worse.) 

That’s also why the final blow to Chuck is not Dean killing him. 

The last stage in the journey that begins here with Dean’s “I’m good with who I am” - [I’m still bad and dark and damaged but I’m good with it]

is Dean’s “that’s not who I am.” [the most caring man on Earth; the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know]

Thats equally why 15x18 is so brilliant, 15x19 is at least acceptable, and 15x20 simply does. not. work.

Dean Winchester’s perfect heaven cannot possibly center on the blood family.  It does not have John Winchester and Mary, husband and wife, who took away his own free will.  It is THIS FAMILY.  The found family.  Cas and Jack and Sam and the Mary that was resurrected.  Dean’s entire character arc supports this journey, and to have it culminate in something that is so established in the season prior to this one as something Dean knows he no longer wants is maddening.

I’m even more mad now because I just remembered that the most prominent picture above Dying Sam’s bed was the blood family portrait from this episode; almost like they wanted us to remember this particular stupid lesson.  This show is so stupid when it could have been so so so very good.

***I want to say thanks again to all of you who read my spiraling if you got this far.  It’s therapeutic for me to do it, but it makes it all the better that people actually read it.  Seeing you in my notes MAKES my entire day****

[bunchofstraydogs]

Dazai Osamu character breakdown as I understand him

Meaning that this might be inaccurate and your opinion and visage of him might differ from mine, which is just fine. We perceive the world and the people around us through our experiences and expectations. I'm curious to know how you guys see a complex character like Dazai, just please respect everyone's opinions.

Warning: Manga plot mentions, s2 spoilers, BEAST light novel spoilers, Dazai Osamu

Dazai Osamu was introduced into the scene of Bungou Stray Dogs at 14 when Mori found him.

Even at that young age, Dazai had suicidal tendencies and had been wrapped in bandages similarly as he is in the present. Already dealing with too much trauma for a child his age, the fire is fuelled as he was forced to bear witness to the death of the Port Mafia boss at the hands of Mori, the person that took him under his wing. To use him; which was becoming very apparent to Osamu if he hadn't been aware since the start. Now, I'm not saying that death of the previous boss left a particular scar on Samu, he even agrees with it and is something he himself would have done. But that that is the scene that bore fruit of the following quotes:

"Or could it be that you're afraid, Mori-san? That one day i will slit your throat and take over as the boss?"

followed by

"Everyone seems suspicious to those who have an axe to grind."

This tells us right away that he can tell what type of person you are just from the way you perceive your surroundings, which is logical, but not something many think too deep into.

Even less who have their evaluations of others on point like he does. And he has to, since Dazai's plan is always to understand his allies, his enemies, possible allies and possible enemies. He also takes into account important neutral parties that can still, in one way or another, affect the outcome of his plans or decide to align with one side out of common interest. After comes realising the main goals, along with side achievements (just in case some of those maim his allies or ruin the future plans he made) of every party. Taking in their morals and motivation, and being familiar with the ground the confrontation will happen on, he now has the view of the whole chess board and it's pieces in his head. He moves his allies in the right places, knowing how they'll react in the situation to come, and awaits the enemies with open fire arms. He was tought to think like that. At all times. Mori made sure of it. You know how specialists never really stop thinking in their areas of expertise, like doctors, for example, will naturally notice people's posture and look for scoliosis or whatever? How your foot hits the floor, if you're walking straight, your knees and shoulders, etc. Same for Dazai. His brain maps out person's expressions, reactions, choices, personality, etc. in great detail. I'm pretty sure he has eidetic memory, if his conversations in manga with Fyodor are anything to go by.

Another thing his brain does is think of worst possible outcomes.

Not in a fear of what if things go wrong, but as a possible route. He uses it to determine how big of a threat the opposing force is and what steps they'll have to take to achieve that. Knowing that, he'll know how to intercept them. Also, like everything else, it's not something he can control since we're talking about thought process here and that's just how his brain works. Can't magically turn that off. It's especially annoying to him when he's genuinely enjoying himself with, let's say, ADA members and then his brain goes brrr.

•"A lot happened recently and we're a torn in many people's eyes." *Tanizaki and Atsushi drinking punch* "There's a possibility, while a small one, about 8% at this very moment, but as time goes on will increase, that an organisation outside of Yokohama decided we're an unavoidable threat and poisoned the drinks. Don't drink that. Nothing will happen, they'll wake up tomorrow in pristine condition don't drink th-"

Yeah, i feel bad for him too.

He has PTSD and insomnia, besides the hectic brain,

so he's not getting proper amount of rest. Actually, he drinks almost every night by himself at home. Pretty sure it's canon as well, because if you search for a picture of him in his room, you'll see him surrounded by multiple bottles. Two of the PTSD symptoms are hallucinations and night terrors (no, that is not the same as a nightmare). What people usually do is use opium to cause hallucinations in a safe environment so that there's little chance of them happening uncontrolled. He's probably using alcohol to numb himself while he's reminiscing, since if he does still have hallucinations after years having passed by (which isn't impossible), they're probably few and far between. Not saying there's no chance he isn't using opium. He would know where to get what he needs, after all.

Osamu's haunted by his own actions as well, not just by trauma caused to him.

At an uncountable amount of occasions, he found himself looking into a mirror and not really comprehending his image. It was like dissociation. Looking through a fog at what's supposed to be your carbon copy, but not knowing all of your features perfectly, so whatever you're seeing could only be an impostor, yet you're not sure because that would take comprehending physical proof of your life to the fullest and how it works and he just... can't. He can but he doesn't want to. He already knows he's despicable and broken, doesn't really feel the need to see just how much. He can't, for all his perfect memory, remember the faces of the people he has killed. He hadn't even seen all of them, but he was responsible for their demise. Causing havoc and misfortune in general through other crimes besides murder as well. We've seen his expression when he listened in on Atsushi talking to Kyouka over the earpiece how the 35 deaths don't matter anymore. He knows they do and he knows that the change of heart won't justify what he's they've done. Ango thought him to value each life. But he also knows that even murderers can change and become good. Oda did that. It's also what's keeping him in the agency.

When Oda died, his last words mentioned that Dazai doesn't care about good or bad and that was correct for Dazai Osamu back then. I genuinely think that his present self does mind the difference.

He believes in necessary evil and will do dark shit to get the good outcome he's envisioned.

He doesn't separate outlaws and lawful people, however.

He knows that generally speaking, the line is thin and easy to cross and that many were born or forced into the situations they are. Those that fight the life thrown at them are an exception, not a rule. That's also why he likes Atsushi, probably the main reason. The boy has every right to hate the world and yet. Dazai is envious, he doesn't really have the same capacity.

I want now to talk about why does Dazai Osamu do what Dazai Osamu does.

The reason he attempts suicide, joined the mafia, made friends at all, is because for all his intelligence and observations, ability to understand others, he doesn't really understand himself.

He doesn't understand his worth. He doesn't understand his purpose. In all of that confusion, he finds no reason to live. He laughs but can't get the high, he bruises but can't fully heal. In all of the things people find happiness in he can't feel joy from. He is emotionally stunted. He thinks too logically. He doesn't understand actions out of emotions because to him, it doesn't make sense. Emotions cloud your mind and when you're not thinking straight, you make mistakes. Plain and simple. He just accepts it, that most people simply cannot control themselves and prefer lashing out instead of methodical approach. All the better for him, he has leverage. Even when he does act on impulse, which is incredibly rare and not as explosive and dramatic, his brain rationalises it as to why his actions were a good way to go. And if his reaction was one that bore fruit, than it was a tactical one.

"If you place yourself somewhere close to raw emotions, where you're exposed to raw violence and death, instinct and desire, you can brush against man's true nature. I though that way i could find a reason to live somehow."

From this, i can tell that he was hoping that, in a situation where he's pushed far enough, he'd realise what's important to him, what he wants to protect or destroy, what's one thing he wouldn't want to leave unsettled before dying. What is that one thing he'd regret dying before achieving? What should he fight death for. What is worth living on for? To him, it doesn't matter if that something is good or evil as long as he gets to keep it in his life.

It seems he hadn't found it exactly, but is satisfied with what he has for now, in the agency, to just keep going. But he still tries to commit suicide, hoping that one day, when the clear picture of the world around him is fading away, when he's becoming light headed from the lack of oxygen, when he's loosing control over his body and thoughts don't seem to flow well, there will be one thing, anyone, screaming at him to fight it. New day new chances. It didn't happen today, better luck tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomo-.

Now, like Mori, Dazai feels the need to, at all times, be in control of the situation. Including people.

That means no one, but perhaps Ranpo due to his own abnormal intellect, is aware of their own role. They know their mission, but they're not expecting to be given that particular one because they'll come across an obstacle they would react to in a way that would satisfy Osamu's plans.

Dazai Osamu is more of a chemist, than a chess player, if you ask me.

Throwing different people into the mix, under different conditions at different times and is noting down their reactions in safe surrounding if possible, so that when the time calls for it, he'll be able to make a perfect concoction for the predicament. A chemist and his substances; A chess player and his pawns; A puppeteer and his puppets. Now, Dazai is meticulous and never rash, but like everyone else (except effin Lovecraft what is he even) he's only human and he bleeds when he falls down and humans aren't perfect. He isn't always right. That means he makes mistakes. The issue with big shot players that control the board is that, when they fall down, everyone on their side crashes and burns as well. So the day Dazai fucks up everyone else will follow because of lack of insight on their part that's completely out of their control. All it takes is for him to underestimate or overestimate one person and chaos ensues. There is no such thing as happy little accidents small mistakes for someone like him. I have crippling anxiety and a sole thought that one hiccup could blow up in everyone's face... damn. I would try committing suicide myself. But it's his fault, he brought upon himself an obligation and pressure like that. To be fair, it was Mori that drilled that type of thinking where no one should know what you plan because they can't ruin what they don't know If they turn against you, they can't stop you.

For his own sake, and everyone else's, Dazai needs to learn how to show his cards and share the burden.

Again, going back to the emotionally stunted guy that has commitment issues (where he either can't commit or can't let go) trope.

He never outright does something good for someone where people would acknowledge it, he uses his underhanded tactics here as well.

He casually makes himself look like a bad guy, an asshole, to conveniently move attention from the inner turmoil a person is struggling with to a present problem at hand that they can fix and let their frustrations out on. But he hopes that, one day, someone just might notice his intentions for what they are and do the unspeakable- see through him.

"I'm a very private person. You don't ask, i don't tell."

Yes, and your whole existence is just a huge cry for help. He wants to be asked. He's begging for attention. A specific type of attention. One that will see him without making him feel imposed on. One that will understand his sins without making a big deal out of it. Accept him as a person he is, makes him feel like one as well. Makes him feel alive. Makes him feel... period.

The day he finds that thing is the day he completely turns his life around and fully dedicates to it. It's where the part of not being able to let go commitment issue ensues.

Since Oda's death he's been secretly keeping an eye out on possible ways to bring him back. If you've read Beast AU you know that when Dazai gets his hands on the book, he'll create a universe where Oda doesn't die. Should he find an ability user that can bring back the dead, just tell him what it will take, he's ready to destroy his own soul for it and if that isn't enough, well, he'll have no hesitation ruining theirs. After all, BEAST!Dazai Osamu never actually met Odasaku, he just had the memories he'd gotten from his canon self and that was enough for him to do everything he did.

He's incredibly selfish and has a weird come in but the door is a wall dynamic he rolls with in his self imposed solitude.

It's like the walls of the space in my brain are ugly and terrifying, so i closed off the entrance to keep myself in. I'm doing you a favour but please break the wall down and tell me it's okay to come out i don't want to be here-

Happy little thoughts woah woah yeah~

That's what i got from what I've seen of him. I may have missed some things, some things might prove to be wrong as the series progress further, but yeah.

There is, however, one more thing i want to put out here. Since Dazai was already like this before Mori found him, that begs to question as to why? What happened to him?

Now, since the characters are based on real people, is it crazy to say that Dazai Osamu has had a horrible childhood because of his father? Real life Dazai was terrified of his dad and was very intimidated by him. He always tried to stay in his good graces out of fear of punishment. Neither of his parents felt like a parent to him, actually. His father didn't care and his mother was often ill, but did care for him when she could. Both of them died eventually.

This could be the plot Kafka based Dazai's background on, but we'll have to wait and see.

[formashimataichi]

Excuse me if you’ve talked about this before, but I was wondering how you felt about the development of Taichi’s mother? I appreciate how Suetsugu is really intent on giving all of her characters such depth, especially when mothers in media either tend to be perfect or evil… but I also feel conflicted (and not just with Taichi’s mother, but other characters as well) about it. I think the pressure (and especially what his mother said about only doing things you’re good at) inflicted on Taichi by his mom had a really negative impact, same with Shinobu’s stilted relationship with her mother, so it’s honestly felt kind of out of left field to see them become more understanding, maybe, of their children (those characters in particular). So I was just wondering what you thought! I’ve always loved your thoughtfulness towards Chihayafuru and your meta is always really interesting, so :)

I've talked about their relationship casually from time to time, but this is a good place to consolidate all of my thoughts on it! Taichi's relationship with his mother is perhaps one of the most interesting to me in the entire manga, namely because it captures so well that complex entanglement of pressure and love and distance that is so overwhelmingly present in the relationships between so many Asian parents and their children. It's really fascinating to see the ways in which her upbringing impacts his behaviors, because it doesn't just extend to how he perceives competition—her ideology also influences his approach to masculinity, to friendships and romantic relationships, and to his own personal convictions. His mother is more or less entrenched in his entire being, and even now, he's still in the process of unlearning so much of what she vested him with since he was a child. He's been raised this way for nearly eighteen years, and recovering and growing from the extents of that kind of mindset takes an enormous amount of time and effort. It's why I've never really been surprised by the fact that he still continues to face mental setbacks. For such a long time, his mother dominated the mechanics of nearly every decision he made, so naturally, he's going to experience more doubt and hesitation after he starts to separate himself from her, as significant a development as it is on its own for him to claim personal agency.

All of this is to say—Taichi's arc, to me, is a very distinctly open-ended one that focuses heavily on the ability to be able to move forward rather than necessarily on the conclusion to a process of healing. Even after this story is over, he won't be entirely home free. It will be a process of many days, months, and years for him to slowly evolve from the kind of person he used to be, and the same ultimately holds for his mother, as well. I don't think her support of Taichi at the Qualifiers or her conversation with Suou during it is supposed to be some marker of closure on the trauma that she's inadvertently inflicted on her son, but I do think it's a nod to the fact that, as a parent, the cards are always in your hands. If you want to, you can change for the sake of your child, because you love them, and you want what's best for them. There's no guarantee, obviously, of her entirely changing her ways, but the fact that she's been made cognizant of her ability to be better for the sake of her children is really what sticks out to me as emblematic of Suetsugu's overall message about personhood. It's not so much about being able to see that you will achieve the end goal as it is about being able to see that you can make efforts to reach it at all. To take that first step, and the second, and every step thereafter—that's what's most important, and what's what makes Taichi's arc overall so compelling for me. He has no guarantee of success, no guarantee of getting the girl, no guarantee of being able to feel happier, but he stills makes the effort to try once he realizes that the chance to do so is always there, and that he may end up more at peace with himself for the fact of it.

Taichi and his mother are mirrors to each other, in a sense, and I think seeing the ways in which he's changing for the better will ultimately reflect on her for the better as well, even if we won't necessarily see the effects of that at length. There's a lot about her behavior as a parent that's still been maintained, like her overbearing nagging or her overall disconnect with karuta, but those behaviors were also compounded prior by the fact that she refused to give Taichi the space to think or breathe at all. The distance between them now is still a very painful thing—at all times I am thinking about him saying she's too noisy, and the sort of confused, stricken look on her face in response to the comment—but it's also a helpful distance that I think will allow her over time to better control her impulses and work to understand him in whatever small capacity. A relationship not necessarily entirely mended or free of the red in its ledger, but one steadily, silently working on its way to being so. I really enjoy the poignancy of that.