#and burst of situational depression as a result

[v3nusstardust]

💋🕹️“RIGGED” 🕹️💋

Pairing : BF!Niki Nishimura x reader

Genre : Fluff 🫶🐇

A/n : srry I haven’t uploaded 🙇 I’m depressed LMFAO (real)

🎀

The bustling arcade was filled with bright neon lights, lively sounds of game machines and clinking tokens. Rows of arcade games lined the room, each one with its own set of flashing screens and joysticks. Hand in hand, you walked around with your boyfriend Niki. Niki’s big, soft hands provided a comforting warmth as they enveloped yours. His thumb traced gentle patterns on your fingers and palms.

The scent of popcorn and the sweet aroma of cotton candy flowed through the air from the snack counter. The ambiance was electric, with the combined sounds of electronic music and game effects creating a euphoric atmosphere. “What do you want to do first?” Niki asked."Uhh... I'm not sure. Where's the rest of your group? I could've sworn Jake was just behind us," you chuckled. Niki shook his head, his warm smile accompanying his response, "Nah. All six of them already went off doing their own thing."

You scanned the arcade looking for a fun game, but something far more intriguing caught your eye. "NIKI." Your grip on his hand tightened as your body tensed with excitement. Niki gave you a puzzled look, trying to find whatever you were so interested in.

"Hello Kitty Claw Machine!" you exclaimed, pulling Niki and running towards the claw machine. You pressed your palms against the glass of the machine, staring at all the cute plushies. The one that mainly caught your eye was the My Melody plush. It was in a cute bear costume, an adorable light baby pink color.

"Darling, you have a lot of plushies at home," Niki tried his best to persuade you. You turned your head and dangerously glared at him. "Yeah, but I don't have a My Melody, and I really want it!" you whined with an adorable pout that Niki couldn't resist. "I know how worked up you get with these machines," Niki said, trying to reason with you.

“Not even!” you argued back, determined to try your luck. The memory of you raging on a claw machine played in your head, and you let out a small giggle at the recollection. With a grin, Niki finally gave in, “Alright, let’s go for it. But don’t say I didn’t warn you about the claw’s tricks.” The excitement on your face intensified as you eagerly inserted tokens into the machine.

As the claw descended, you held your breath, eyes fixed on the My Melody plush. The claw closed around it, but just as it began to lift, the plush slipped from its grasp and tumbled back into the pile. Disappointment washed over your face as you sighed, realizing that this time, the claw machine had outsmarted you. “See, it's rigged,” Niki said leaning against the glass. “Okay wait. Give me more tokens, now I’m determined.” you said in a serious tone, your eyes glued to the pink melody plush.

Undeterred, you decided to give it another shot. With renewed determination, you inserted more tokens and focused on the claw's descent. Each attempt seemed promising, but the elusive My Melody plush slipped through the claw's grasp every time. Your frustration grew, but you couldn't resist the challenge.

"Maybe it's just bad luck today," Niki suggested, trying to ease the disappointment. Ignoring the odds, you insisted on trying two more times, but the result remained the same – the plush danced just out of reach, mocking your attempts.

You sighed, staring at the melody plush. You thought Niki would say, “I told you it’s rigged .” but surprisingly, he didn’t. You looked up at him through your lashes. Your sad face was so gentle and cute, it made his heart ache.

Niki rolled up his sleeves and theatrically cracked his knuckles. “What are you doing..?” you asked. “I’m getting you My Melody, sweetheart.” he smiled at you. As Niki extended his arm into the claw machine, you couldn't help but burst into laughter at the sheer absurdity of the situation. "Niki, are you …are you sure about this?" you managed to say through fits of laughter. Undeterred, he replied with a grin, "I got this. My Melody is not escaping me." With careful precision, Niki maneuvered his arm among the plushies, reaching for the coveted My Melody. “I got it!” he exclaimed. You and Niki both bubbled with laughter. “LOVE, LOVE , MY ARM IS STUCK.” Niki cackled.

You kneeled down and helped Niki remove his arm from the machine. Both of you were filled with joy and laughter. As you helped Niki, you heard familiar voices behind you. "What are y'all doing?!" Jake erupted with laughter. It was Jake, Sunghoon, and Jay. You and Niki were laughing so hard you couldn’t even make up words. You helped Niki gently pull his arm out, ensuring he didn't get hurt.

Thankfully, the arcade mishap hadn't caused any harm, and as Niki extracted his arm, he revealed a small pink My Melody plush in his hand, just for you. Niki’s smile widened as he placed it in your hand. “YAY!” you exclaimed, unable to contain your excitement. In a spontaneous burst of joy, you jumped on him, causing both of you to tumble onto the floor.

As you and Niki lay on the arcade floor, still giggling, Jake made sure to capture a picture of yall’s cute moment. This was something you’d remember forever.

(a/n : ik this is simple but lmk if you liked🧚🏼‍♀️😏)

[overandundertarot]

PAC: The embarrassing situation;what was it really like?

This pac aims to take a look at an embarrasing situation you experienced and how it was actually perceived by the people around/involved versus how you perceived it. Inspired by my late night thoughts lol.

Please pick a pile(1-4, left to right)

Pile One.

Cards; 6 of wands, Queen of cups, The World reversed, Knight of Swords reversed.

I'm seeing that this wasn't even an embarrasing situation for you, Pile One. It's more of a source of anxiety. You were very much inside your head the entire time. The situation was very public, there were a lot of eyes and alot of people. It was an event/gathering celebrating a victory/achievement. Maybe with family/friends or even coworkers who you've developed a bond with. These are people who are able to have an impact on your self esteem/inner child. During the event you felt stagnant. I just heard; "They're handing out scraps." Whatver praise or achievement you received felt hollow, you felt like you didn't deserve it. Either you didn't work hard enough, the quality of your work was not good enough, you weren't where you wanted to be. "I could do so much better than this, I am capable of more." A general dissatisfaction and dissapointment in yourself and anything that you were able to produce with your hands. I'm also getting the sense of you settling. You had much higher ambitions for yourself but you didn't tell anyone, so no one could reprimand you for failing thus you doubled down on the self loathing as a self inflicted punishment. You were way too hard on yourself, Pile 1. Regardless of what your aspirations were, a win is still a win. You managed to accomplish something so be proud that you were able to do that. Other people saw you as the queen of cups in this situation. Someone passionate and incredibly creative. They felt that you deserved the praise and were very much happy to see you get your flowers. They feel that you are a team player who is dedicated to seeing everyone thriving and being happy.

Pile Two.

Cards; Page of Pentacles, Ace of Pentacles, Queen of Wands.

Pile 2, for some of you this situation happened when you were younger, for others you are on the younger side and this happened more recently. But it is a situation where you were inexperienced and expressing eagerness and fascination; excitement. It was a situation where this eagerness went against you and you experienced a backlash because of your inexpirience/poor skills. With the abundace of pentacle cards, I'd say that this was involving your career or something you were organising and planning to bring into fruition like a project/party. Whatever you were planning, it didn't work out. There were many issues with poor planning/execution. Some of you had tried to go for a cheaper option, cutting corners etc that severely undermined the result. Some people didn't believe in you from the get go and were like 'I knew they'd fail.' Despite this, you felt very inspired and in your element. You might have actually been feeling vey timid and hesitant, I think at one point you realised that you had bit off more than you could chew. All in all, it was a learning experience. I think its very commendable that you tried to jump in and try your best anyway!

Pile Three.

Cards; Death reversed, Knight of wands, Ace of wands.

Pile 3, the situation was an emotional one. You could have had an emotional outburst/reaction. Someone told you something and you burst into tears and denial. This can range from emotional breakdowns like falling into a depressive state to outbursts such as erupting into tears, hysterical shouting, arguments and confrontation, attacking someone in anger etc. You were not in your right mind and were reacting to news/information that greatly upset you and would mean a change in your life. Like a break up, maybe you were fired. The path presented did not please so you chose to act in denial in hopes of reversing that. It seems that your reaction was not taken as negatively as it could have been. For the people who threw the tantrums, they had the desired effect and you were placated in the moment, but it was only for the moment. Temporarily. For others who went into depressive states etc someone around you or you took action towards healing/making you feel better. However, other people mostly perceived you as someone unstable, who chooses to use weird methods to get what you want. You felt accomplished though, your reaction had the desired outcome. It was a messy/uncomfotable situation but it had a favourable ending for you.

Pile Four.

Cards; 3 of cups, 10 of swords reversed, Ace of wands.

Pile 4, this embarrassing situation was more of a collaboration. You used to hang around some problematic people/were in a group with some people or you had a collaboration with them. You are embarrassed to be associated with these people. There could have been some drama, or just poor quality work as a result of whatever you were doing. Nothing you feel proud to call you own or say you stand for. A lot of people talk about what happened between you and those people, people like to talk about the drama that could have occurred. Either way, whenever they or your association with them is mentioned you feel embarrassed. Other people don't really perceive your association with them quite negatively though. It seems they are willing to give you a chance, look at your better qualities and judge based on those. In regards to how this association has personally affected you, aside from the embarrassment, is that you are not willing to abandon your instincts in trusting people. You follow your own intuition and rythym rather than going with the flow that feels wrong. Also, you've grown. You recognise that you could have held destructive/detrimental beliefs and are open to changing your point of view.

*************

That's it! If you liked this pac and would like to book a private reading with me, you can do so here.

[sonic-gallery]

Another World Ogiri September 2023 [What are Rouge and Omega doing...? ]

★Example

I was told that my apology was 30% insufficient.

Two characters appear every month in surprising outfits and situations! Let's enjoy Ogiri together with illustrations that will make your imagination run wild!

This time, Rouge, who is working on ikebana in a dignified kimono, and Omega, who is wearing a hakama, are appearing, looking on with awe! What is Rouge's purpose in arranging steel flowers beautifully?

What kind of lines or narration would you use?

You can style it based on the atmosphere and world view of the two of you in the game, or you can create a bold arrangement! In the example, I'm having a hard time figuring out how to express the very unique instructions...but it's OK to use such free-spirited jokes!

Please enjoy it and tweet with the tag "#Isekai Ogiri" on Twitter (X) ♪

We will introduce the good ones in a reply from Sonic's official Twitter (X) account.

We are looking forward to your fun Ogiri posts!

Act9: “Just like me”

...Once upon a time in the Warring States era.

An evil light emitted by a sinister iron ark that flew from the sky. What bursts forth from the red-purple light is the ``Karakurihana'', an iron ayakashi.

The sharp leaves cut through armor, and the buds of fiery flowers sprinkle hellfire... The folk grasses of the world are terrified by the raging Karakuri flowers.

The only person who can control the turmoil of Karakurihana is the most honorable and powerful warrior...his name is Omega.

The founder, Omega, found ``beauty'' in the life of a flower that single-mindedly seeks a deadly fight, and gave it life as a mechanical samurai.The founder, Omega, named it ``Senka.''

This is the beginning of the ``Omega style of Senkado'', where Senka compete against each other and the winner is considered to be the true beauty.

And the time is modern...

Omega-style Senka Arrangement boasts a history of hundreds of years.

Due to the severity of the training, not a single disciple has yet appeared... Among the many disciples is an up-and-coming bat beauty, Rouge the Bat. ....?

＜＜Dogagagaga! >>

"That's it! It's a violation to have three layers of heavy weapons!"

``Senkado begins with every human being, and there is no violation or foul play on the battlefield.''

Rouge's Senka can do nothing against the rain of bullets fired from Omega's Senka.

Omega's Senka is overwhelming as it continues its onslaught with an abundance of firearm-type contraption flowers. With a final blow of the sharp leaf, Rouge's Senka is cut in two. The winner was decided easily.

Rouge's Senkado begins and ends with beauty.

Dressed in a gorgeous kimono herself, she gives instructions to Senka one after another and fights brilliantly as one human flower, so that her clothes don't wear out in the slightest after the match. That's her style.

Now, among the Omega-style disciples, there was no one who could compete with Rouge, but all they could do was scatter their flowers and leaves in front of Omega... Today's practice match also had a disastrous result.

Perhaps unable to see Rouge depressed, Omega pulls out a pair of scissors that emit a strong glow from his pocket.

"Disclose mission rewards"

"that's......!"

It is the ``Vajra Stone Flower Scissors'' that are awarded only to those who have passed on.

Rouge's real goal is to obtain these scissors. This was the driving force behind all her efforts.

The sparkle of the large diamond on the handle...how beautiful. I can't help but sigh.

"Be even more diligent!"

Rouge regained her energy for a moment when she saw the rare treasure, but Omega's words brought her back to reality and her shoulders slumped again.

......A trudging walk home in the twilight.

Every day of training, I have put in an unprecedented amount of effort for the sake of scissors... Even though I keep running, the goal is still getting farther and farther away. Rouge let out a huge sigh of despair, but suddenly stopped as she felt something strange.

Yes, right now, I'm very unconventional. What are you so serious about?

She stared up at the moon for a few seconds or minutes... Rouge let out a short sigh and smiled mischievously.

“Wouldn’t it be nice to have it in a beautiful way, just like me?”

A few moments later. On a different note, there is Kougyokuen, a fabric made of mechanical flowers that was once built by sealing off the place where the ark from heaven crashed.

There, Omega was seen firing heavy weapons and cutting down the flowers, and Rouge was supporting him.

＜＜Zugagagagaga...! >>

Kougyokuen is not just a ``karakuri flower production area''. It is also an isolation facility that confines the ferocious Karakurihana, and requires periodic ``thinning.''

In exchange for her help, Rouge was allowed to see the scissors kept in the back again. The purpose is nothing more than a preview of storage security.

"Incineration! Cutting down! Karakuri flowers are eliminated!"

As Omega knocks down the attacking Karakurihana one after another, Rouge can't help but smile when she sees his Senkadou.

And we arrived at the innermost part of Kogyokuen...

There, the coveted pair of scissors was enshrined in a covered but wind-swept gazebo, shining brightly.

An overwhelming presence that does not fade even in the dark. The blade, which is transparent like ice, diffuses the slightest light and shines in rainbow colors. When Rouge instinctively reaches for the scissors that are left unprotected...

Hidden Senka placed on both sides of the scissors are activated! In an instant, the ivy grew and covered the scissors.

"Protected by strict security"

“Hmm.”

Rouge looked impressed, but from her point of view, this kind of security was playing tricks on children. It seemed like it would be easy to break through. Even on her way home after leaving Omega, Rouge continues to walk with her, grinning. Enough security checks already. At that moment when I thought, "She's already going to sneak in tonight..."

This time, the hardships I had gone through and the frustration of losing to Omega were now welling up in my heart.

"...Hmph"

It's not my style to keep losing and get upset.

I want scissors and I want to win against Omega. As a greedy person, I can't give up on either!

What should I do...

Rouge suddenly looked up at the sky and noticed that the Karakuri flowers that Omega had decimated by gunfire were dancing lightly in the sky. Karakurihana is a flying type that is considered unsuitable for Senka, who fights directly across from her...

At that moment, Rouge murmurs, ``It's surprisingly easy to fly,'' and has a great inspiration.

"...This is it!"

Rouge grabbed one and headed home excitedly.

On the day of the Kaiden exam. In the center of Kogyokuen, the innermost part of the dojo at the foot of the ancient "Ark" ruins...

In a magnificent hall with 12 tatami mats and 300 tatami mats, Rouge and Omega were solemnly and fiercely living out their Senka. and......

＜＜Boooo~! >>

The sound of a conch shell signals the start of the match.

＜＜Bushuuuuu! >>

At the very beginning of the opening, Rouge's Senka releases smokescreen seeds and obstructs visibility! At the same time, take a defensive stance and prepare for Omega's onslaught.

"Smoke screen jamming detected. No problems."

Omega's Senka pays no heed to this and rains down suppression fire from the sky.

＜＜Dogadogadoga! >>

Rouge's Senka endures through the smoke screen, but is definitely exhausted. But...the moment the smoke cleared, Omega was shocked by the sight before her eyes.

There were two Senka of Rouge...one of them was holding the "Vajra Stone Flower Scissors" high in the sky.

“Soreha!?”

"Security at Kougyokuen is for personal use only... You read that right! The treasure is Itadaki♪"

At the very beginning of the episode, Rouge separated Senka under the cover of that smoke screen, and instructed her clones using flying Karakurihana to steal the scissors.

"Rekai, fun...!"

Omega blinks at the unexpected event. An instant love was born there.

＜＜Gakkiin! >>

Rouge's Senka's powerful blow pierces Omega's Senka's vital point, inflicting a fatal wound.

"Unacceptable! Violation of match regulations! Foul!"

"Oh? Once the match started, there were no violations or fouls, right?"

Immediately after that, her two Senka flew with leaves and merged in the air. If you hold the scissors in the upper position, you will be able to capture Omega's Senka within range.

"Do whatever you want and get everything you want...! That's my Omega style!"

The next thing Omega saw was Rouge's dignified straight sitting position staring at the battlefield with an undisturbed demeanor... Rouge's Senka with her back cutting Omega's Senka in two with a single blow of her scissors. It was a brave figure.

＜＜---Kin! >>

"...Stunning."

A quiet dojo. ...A new kind of "beauty" was born here.

"Rouge, license pass and pass."

"I did it! I have to come! I like Iemoto who understand what I'm talking about♪"

Rouge plays like a little girl with scissors and a license letter in hand. The scissors had been stolen during a match, but now they were purely hers.

However, after achieving her dream, Rouge also realized that there was no longer any reason for her to stay here.

"Well, I don't care about titles or anything like that...If I get what I'm getting, I'll be too happy to go to such a seedy dojo."

Rouge muttered that and started walking away, but as if reading her thoughts, Omega took something out of her pocket.

"Second mission reward. Red stone flower scissors..."

The fiery shine of the ruby ​​captivated Rouge's heart... She quickly turned around and instantly approached Omega, saying:

"...Tell me the details."

The "Legendary Seven Scissors" passed down in the Omega style.

Rouge, the new master teacher, took on the responsibility of sealing Kougyokuen, and while she and Omega sometimes struggled, they continued to improve each other's beauty until they had all the scissors in their hands... ..

This is the beginning of the golden age of Omega-style Senkado.

"Following the red ball..."

"The Senka battle was fun, Tails! Rouge and Omega were so cool! They have to be like that!"

Sonic was in a good mood as he watched the unexpected match from behind the bushes in Kogyokuen. Tails, who loves mecha, will also follow.

"That's right, Sonic! By the way, 'Karakurihana' seems to be a strange version of Eggman's mecha, but how does it understand its creator's orders? ...And more importantly... ...!”

Realizing an important fact, Tails returns to his serious expression and shows Sonic the readings on the energy detector in his hand.

"Look! This energy reaction. This energy wavelength...is the aftermath of the Phantom Ruby's energy!"

...``Phantom Ruby''.

It is a mysterious stone that has the power to influence the brains of living things, implant a powerful virtual reality, and twist the world. It was lost after the previous battle with Eggman's army and was supposed to have disappeared from this world...

"Energy is being emitted from this botanical garden in all directions. I'm sure there will be such a huge reaction in the aftermath all over the world...I mean..."

Sonic jumped up and landed on the Ark in the center of Kogyokuen, then grinned and continued:

"This ark is the epicenter of the incident...is that so?"

An ominous wind blows through, rustling the leaves of the contraption flower beneath their feet, and Tails, who was already investigating inside the ark, continues.

"Yeah! This ark was also a strange transformation of Eggman's battleship! I found a part that looked like a capacitor, but it had a powerful energy reaction left behind. I'm sure it was activated during the previous battle. I think the Phantom Ruby's energy was still being charged...I 'm sure Eggman made the most of it in some way!

Tails excitedly raises his head all at once. But, but..., I thought, my shoulders slumped again.

“However, this situation that is currently occurring in the world is a little different from virtual reality, and there is no way such a disparate situation could occur with a single activation... There are still so many things I don't understand.Hmm, sorry. ......”

Tails crouched down with his head in his hands.

Sonic couldn't help but feel tired, thinking that he had gotten used to sitting down so his skirt wouldn't get dirty, but when he jumped down from the top of the ark and sat next to Tails, he patted him on the shoulder and cheered him up with a smile. Masu.

"What are you talking about, Tails? It's like you know everything now!"

"...!?"

"The fact that this is ground zero means that the opposite side of the planet from here is the least affected by the energy, right? If Eggman isn't here, then shouldn't he be on that side?"

"......a!"

"If you don't understand anything else, just ask Eggman himself!"

"Oh, that's right...! I'm sorry, I'm alone and depressed again..."

"No problem, Tails! I wouldn't know anything without you. I'm counting on you!"

With that said, Sonic quickly stood up and clicked his heels, and Tails also hurriedly got ready. Why is it that I always feel happy when I'm with Sonic?

I'm sure this incident will be resolved successfully...

Confidence that rises up even though there is no solid basis for it. Tails' expression was no longer gloomy as he enthusiastically started running after Sonic.

"Now wait, Eggman! No matter where you're hiding, I won't let you escape!"

[zkylearnstherope]

I lied. I can't take it at all.

Content Warning: Depression, self-reflection.

Another depression phase.

I learned something about myself today. This is probably the third time I did it. Turns out I manipulate the situation to make people hurt me when I am at my lowest. All because I needed a reason to cry.

I am forever stuck in a night storm where I am not even allowed to express any discomfort. So I only feel like I have the right to cry, when I am about to burst. This is not a healthy mindset, I know.

Still, I can't believe that there are people who are this nice around me. Even though we're countries apart, and you don't know how I look like IRL. You guys are still nice to me.

F*ck! I can't believe I am crying again. How sad am I really? I'm not good at taking care of myself.

Looking back on these past few days, I had the signs of another depression phase. I started to talk weirdly. I wasn't eating or drinking water, resulting in an intense headache and a nosebleed. This body's way to cry for help.

I guess, I wanted attention too, but it just left me more empty each time.

I am not allowed, but I want to have nice things too. And I just want someone to love me, when I hate myself.

I don't know why I'm posting this all in here. I don't know how to make myself feel better. I know meds exist but- I just don't know- I have bad brain chemicals.

Am I still crying? Yes. Do I feel slightly better after typing this? Also yes.

[cherryrainn]

━━ ✧ 𝐛𝐫𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐥𝐲𝐧 𝐛𝐚𝐛𝐲 {𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐤𝐞𝐫 𝐱 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫}

.7 - 𝙨𝙖𝙙 𝙜𝙞𝙧𝙡.

─ ✩ 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 ; s3lf harm, depression, bulimia, mental health issues, self hatred, stuff like that, and just like my other stories... lots of angst!

─ ✩ 𝐖𝐀𝐓𝐓𝐏𝐀𝐃 𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍

─ ✩ 𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐆 ; here

─ ✩ 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐁𝐄𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐄

─ ✩ 𝐍𝐄𝐗𝐓 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓

as striker rode off with bombproof, you were left alone in the dimly lit hideout. the minutes ticked by slowly as you sat there, your thoughts swirling with confusion and uncertainty. you couldn't shake the feeling that something was terribly wrong, and striker's cryptic conversation with his 'client', had only added to your unease.

with striker gone, you decided to explore the hideout a bit more. you gingerly got up from the bed, wincing as the pain from your injuries throbbed through your body. you moved through the dimly lit space, taking in the eerie ambiance created by the rivers of molten lava that flowed nearby.

as you walked, you couldn't help but notice the rather bizarre feature of the hideout—the large statue of striker. it was an imposing sculpture, capturing striker's imposing figure in all its glory. however, what drew your attention was the... unique detail of the statue.

you couldn't help but stifle a laugh as you took in the sight. there it was, a large and rather exaggerated rendition of a certain part of striker's anatomy. the juxtaposition of the fearsome demon and the comically oversized feature on the statue was both absurd and amusing. it left you wondering what kind of demon would commission such a piece.

as you examined the statue more closely, you couldn't help but wonder if it was an accurate representation or simply a humorous exaggeration. after all, demons in hell were known for their penchant for extravagance and eccentricity. the thought that striker might have had a say in the creation of this statue, even indirectly, made you chuckle despite the bizarre circumstances.

.. moving on

the hideout held an odd mix of roughness and comfort. the bed you had been resting on was not surprisingly uncomfortable, and the makeshift saloon had a rustic charm to it. it was a strange place to find yourself in, trapped with a demon who was both your protector and a source of fear.

you decided to make yourself useful while striker was away, partly to distract yourself from your worries. you found some ingredients in a nearby cabinet and attempted to cook a meal. however, it quickly became evident that striker wasn't much of a cook. the result was a rather unappetizing and burnt dish that you couldn't force yourself to eat.

with your failed attempt at cooking, you resigned yourself to waiting for striker's return. you sat by the window of the little saloon, gazing out at the rivers of lava and the eerie glow they cast across the hideout. your mind was filled with questions, but for now, all you could do was wait for the enigmatic demon to come back and provide some answers.

you sat there in the dimly lit hideout, your anxiety growing with each passing minute. striker had left you alone with no explanation, and you couldn't shake the feeling that something was amiss. the hideout was eerily quiet, the only sound being the faint crackling of the molten lava rivers outside.

suddenly, the silence was shattered by a cacophony of voices singing in an enthusiastic chorus. your heart jumped in your chest as you looked around, bewildered by the unexpected intrusion. who on earth could be making such a racket?

but before you could even process the situation, striker burst into the hideout with a dramatic flair that sent a wave of heat and ash billowing into the room. he looked positively furious, his eyes blazing with anger as he yelled at the unseen singers.

"shut the fuck up! i'm tryna do my fuckin' job! you comin' in here singing about me for the millionth. fucking. time! leave me the hell alone, you freaks!" striker's voice echoed through the cavernous hideout, and you couldn't help but cower under the intensity of his rage.

the singing abruptly stopped, and there was an awkward silence in the wake of striker's outburst. but then, from behind the imposing cowboy, another voice chimed in, "how does one get their own theme song?"

you couldn't see the speaker clearly at first, but as striker turned, you caught a glimpse of a tall and regal figure tied up on the back of a horse. it was none other than stolas, the prince of the ars goetia, looking disheveled and thoroughly unimpressed with the situation.

your confusion deepened. why on earth was stolas tied up on the back of striker's horse? it was a bizarre sight that made no sense at all. stolas' expression shifted from annoyance to mild curiosity as he noticed you sitting there, bewildered and uncertain.

for a moment, you were frozen, unsure of how to react to this surreal scene. the tension in the room was palpable, and you couldn't help but wonder what kind of trouble striker had gotten himself into this time.

striker's intentions became painfully clear as he roughly lifted stolas from the back of bombproof and tied him upside down to the nearby train tracks. stolas struggled against his bonds, his feathers ruffled and his dignity in tatters. his eyes, once filled with annoyance, now held a hint of desperation as he realized the dire situation he was in.

"so, my wife paid you for this, hm..? wouldn't a holy bullet have sufficed?" stolas quipped, attempting to maintain some semblance of composure despite his precarious position. he couldn't help but taunt striker, trying to get under his skin.

striker's smirk momentarily vanished as he turned to face stolas. "or could you not afford those?" stolas' words had clearly struck a nerve, but striker quickly regained his cocky demeanor. "i was paid to give you the real royal treatment! your wife must really hate you," he sneered, brandishing a strange-looking knife and twirling it between his fingers.

stolas, still hanging upside down and clearly uncomfortable, sighed dramatically. "you have no idea," he muttered, his eyes scanning the room as if searching for something. they landed on you, and he suddenly seemed even more perplexed.

"who is this?" stolas inquired, his voice carrying a note of genuine curiosity as he looked directly at you. "what are they doing here? are you going to kill them too?" he snorted

striker sighed in annoyance, the tension in the room thickening with every passing moment. "they're just a... guest," he replied cryptically, unwilling to divulge any more information.

stolas continued to observe you, his mind clearly racing with questions. "a guest, you say? in the middle of an assassination attempt? that's quite unusual."

striker didn't say a word to that, but you were even more confused. assassination attempt? no way...

"so... train tracks... really? reems a bit cliché, doesn't it?" stolas remarked, his tone laced with sarcasm. striker shot him an annoyed glance. "it's a classic," he retorted defensively, his irritation mounting.

stolas couldn't resist needling further. "is the giant statue of yourself also a classic or..." he began, his words trailing off as he glanced at the imposing figure of striker's statue. the absurdity of the situation was not lost on you, and you couldn't help but let out a small, involuntary snort of laughter.

striker's patience wore thin. with a hiss of frustration, he removed his hat and flung it up onto the statue's exaggerated anatomy. "are you seriously judging me right now?" he snapped, his voice dripping with annoyance.

stolas, however, was undeterred. "i'm just impressed you seem to want to suck your own dick this badly," he quipped, his sharp wit cutting through the tension in the air. striker's temper flared, and he closed the distance between them in an instant.

"look, not every ring is some fancy-ass city, with some fancy-ass mansion, that only fancy-ass royals get to live in," striker seethed, pointing an accusatory finger at stolas. "some of us have hard lives to live. and some of us have everything we care about taken away by fuckers like you." his tail lashed angrily, and he was now inches from stolas' face, his fury palpable.

"i have no- " stolas attempted to protest, but before he could utter another word, a guttural yell tore from his beak as striker plunged the strange knife into him. your gasp of horror was drowned out by stolas' agonized cry, and striker, after delivering the blow, turned his gaze to you. his eyes bore into yours, not saying a word.

you were left stunned, your mind racing with questions.

striker was relentless in his assault, cut the rope, making stolas roll all the way down. striker's rage was boiling over as he circled around the helpless stolas. the demon prince's attempts to assert his royal status were met with violence, and striker made it clear that he would not tolerate being talked down to.

"you. don't get to talk over me!" striker slapped stolas with his tail, the force of the blow causing stolas to wince in pain. "i don't have to listen to your bullshit!" he jammed his foot into the fresh wound on stolas' shoulder, making the prince cry out in agony. "all you royals ever do is try to talk over us!"

stolas, despite his dire situation, tried to use his petrifying gaze to subdue striker. however, the ropes that bound him prevented his powers from working as intended. striker, seemingly immune to stolas' magic, grinned wickedly.

"don't bother trying to use your little eye trick on me; those ropes ain't gonna let you do anythin'." he turned the knife to stolas' face, taunting him. "got somethin' to say about that, your highness?"

his fury was palpable as he stepped on stolas's open wound once again. "well, you seem to be forgetting; you are working for a royal right now!" stolas retorted, a hint of arrogance in his voice. in a swift move, he kicked striker in the face.

striker's grip tightened as he grabbed stolas's ankle and lifted his foot to stomp down on stolas's leg, breaking it. stolas grunted but refused to show any pain, instead offering a twisted smile. "blitz handles me rougher than that in bed; nice try." striker's frustration grew, and he retaliated by stabbing stolas in the leg. "blitzy's knife is bigger... and hits sooooo much deeper."

striker's patience was wearing thin, and he released stolas's legs. "being a smartass hmm?" he moved to stolas's side, grabbing him by his hair or feathers, whatever was on his head, and moved the knife threateningly to stolas's neck. " 'cause, once i split your neck open and let you choke on your own blue blood, you won't be worth any more than the tombstone you'll be buried under."

you watched in horrified fascination, your fear of striker intensifying with each passing moment. you couldn't understand why you were still here, unable to tear your eyes away from the gruesome spectacle unfolding before you.

but then, stolas uttered words that cut through the tension like a knife. "blitzy says far dirtier things to me with much sharper objects at my throat."

striker's anger boiled over, and with a snarl, he threw stolas to the ground and stormed away in frustration. stolas, now lying on the tracks, shed a few tears.

as striker's figure disappeared into the distance, you found yourself trembling and breathing heavily. the encounter with striker had revealed a darker, more sadistic side to him that you hadn't anticipated. 

turning your attention back to stolas, you found him gazing in your direction, seemingly aware that you were watching him through the small saloon window. despite the dire circumstances, he started to speak, as if he needed a distraction from the impending doom.

"what are you looking at?" he asked, his voice carrying a hint of curiosity.

your throat felt dry, and you struggled to find your voice. stolas's eyes bore into yours, waiting for an answer, but you couldn't bring yourself to respond. what could you say in this surreal situation?

stolas raised an eyebrow, seemingly undeterred by your silence. "you're not very talkative, are you?" he remarked, his tone almost conversational. "well, i suppose that's understandable. it's not every day one finds themselves in the company of princes and assassins."

still, you remained silent, unable to articulate your thoughts and emotions. stolas's attempts to engage you in conversation only added to your sense of unease.

before the silence could stretch any further, striker reappeared with a violent entrance, his face contorted with anger. your attention shifted from stolas to the imposing imp, his earlier charm now replaced by a menacing presence in the dimly lit mine shaft.

without a word, he descended upon stolas, his blows landing with brutal force. the atmosphere grew tense as each strike seemed to echo through the mine shaft, punctuated by stolas's pained grunts.

stolas, despite his earlier bravado, was now unable to maintain his composure. he winced and struggled under Striker's relentless assault. every attempt to speak or resist was met with more aggression.

as the beating continued, you couldn't tear your eyes away from the brutal spectacle before you. the initial shock and fear you had felt now gave way to a sickening mixture of dread and guilt. you were an unwilling witness to this display of violence, trapped in a nightmarish scenario that seemed to have no end.

as striker continued to circle stolas, the prince's labored pants and whimpering filled the air. the room seemed to shrink in on itself, the tension nearly suffocating.

"well, this has been fun, but every good thing has to come to an end. shame you won't see your kid, again," striker taunted, his voice dripping with malice.

"don't you dare breathe a word about my daughter," stolas retorted, his voice heavy with anger and desperation.

striker's tail began to rattle ominously as he crouched closer to stolas, their faces mere inches apart. "ohh. finally hit a nerve, huh?" he hissed, his yellow eyes locked onto stolas's.

stolas's breathing grew heavier as he threatened, "i swear, if you go near her, i will destroy you."

without warning, striker drove the knife into stolas's shoulder again, eliciting a pained cry. "big talk. but, just that. any last words, goetia?" striker's voice grew colder with each passing moment.

stolas, bloodied and broken, managed to muster one final plea, "blitz... will..."

a sinister chuckle escaped striker's lips. "that rodeo clown told you he ain't coming," he sneered, lifting the knife, ready to deliver the fatal blow "nobody is coming."

the room seemed to hold its breath, and you couldn't bear to witness the gruesome end any longer. just as striker prepared to strike the final blow, his phone rang, shattering the nightmarish silence. he picked it up with a casual "yello?"

striker's reaction to the unexpected call was a mix of surprise and annoyance. he scratched his head as he listened, his expression growing increasingly irritated. you strained to hear the conversation on the other end, but the caller's words remained a mystery.

the callers demand for a change of plans seemed to unsettle striker. he glanced back and forth between stolas's wounded form and the knife in his hand. stolas attempted to speak, but striker swiftly used his tail to muffle any words.

"i'm kinda in the middle of killing him," striker grumbled into the phone. again, you strained to catch stella's (you thought) side of the conversation, but it remained elusive.

after what sounded like a frustrating exchange, striker relented with a resigned, "yes, ma'am," and snapped his flip phone shut. his annoyance was palpable as he stretched back, still seated on top of stolas. he emitted a few rattles, his agitation evident. he threw the flip phone against a nearby rock with a resounding crash, causing you to flinch at the sudden noise.

striker, now phoneless, turned his attention back to stolas, a dangerous glint in his eyes. he uncovered stolas's mouth and delivered the unexpected news with a cruel twist of his lips.

"well, good news for you, feathers. your royal cunt said she don't want you dead no more." his grip on stolas tightened. "but, she didn't say what condition you had to be in."

the blade hovered dangerously close to stolas's eye, the threat palpable in the air. "i think these reds might be a pretty trophy; can't have you seeing me again, can we?"

amidst the tense standoff between striker and stolas, a distant car horn pierced the cavern's eerie silence. striker's head snapped in the direction of the sound, his eyes narrowing as he scanned for the source.

suddenly, the cavern's stability seemed to crumble as parts of the ceiling gave way. a deafening crash echoed through the chamber as the i.m.p van crashed through the embankment, tumbling and somersaulting until it came to a rest. with the dust settling, the van's door creaked open, and a little imp emerged, gripping a rifle with unwavering aim at striker.

in a swift, almost inhuman motion, striker dodged several bullets, his nimbleness defying belief. with a deft flick of his wrist, he sent his knife hurtling through the air, striking the rifle and causing another bullet to ricochet wildly, hitting a nearby boombox. the cavern was suddenly filled with music, but striker paid it no mind.

just as striker drew two revolvers, chaos erupted as another imp attacked him from behind with a longsword. striker, displaying incredible reflexes, seized the sword mid-swing. the imp, undeterred, abandoned the broken sword and charged with a katana, while moxxie unleashed a flurry of bullets from his two revolvers. it was a whirlwind of clashing metal, gunfire, and desperate maneuvers.

meanwhile, you huddled in the corner, terrified by the sudden eruption of violence. your hands instinctively covered your ears as gunshots rang out, and your heart raced in fear. but as the dust settled and the cacophony of battle continued, your eyes widened with recognition.

amidst the chaos, you realized that the couple leading the assault against striker was none other than moxxie and millie, the very duo you had encountered during the harvest moon festival. the familiarity of their faces brought a strange mix of relief and confusion.

as the battle raged on, you watched with a mixture of awe and trepidation, unsure of what fate had in store for you in this perilous underground encounter.

the brutal confrontation between striker and the couple reached a fevered pitch, each combatant determined to gain the upper hand. the cavern echoed with the clanging of metal, the thunder of gunfire, and the grunts of exertion as they clashed.

in a decisive move, striker managed to kick moxxie down, temporarily incapacitating him. millie, meanwhile, found herself pinned to a rock by her own axe, struggling to free herself. striker's cunning and agility seemed unmatched, and he was relentless in his assault.

spotting moxxie still stirring on the ground, striker acted swiftly. he lassoed a nearby stalagmite with unnatural precision and slammed it forcefully into moxxie's vulnerable back. moxxie's breath left him in a painful gasp as he fought to remain conscious.

with a predatory gleam in his eyes, striker moved in for the final blow. he saw noxxie, weakened and reaching for his pistol, and couldn't resist taunting him sadistically. "oh, i remember how easy you are to choke the life out of, little one," striker hissed, his hands tightening around moxxie's throat.

but then, in a shocking twist, moxxie's response was anything but expected. weakened and struggling for breath, he uttered a breathy, provocative phrase that froze striker in his tracks. "ohhhh, harder," moxxie murmured with a perverse tone.

disgust contorted striker's features, and he immediately released his grip on moxxie, recoiling as if burnt. moxxie seized the opportunity, kicking striker's legs out from under him and lassoing striker by the neck. he spun the sadistic cowboy around and hurled him to the unforgiving ground with a resounding thud.

moxxie, his eyes blazing with fury, spat out words of contempt, "you cowboy piece of shit!"

in the midst of this chaos and violence, you were a silent witness, trembling with fear and disbelief. the deafening sounds of battle, the sight of striker's brutality, and the desperate struggle of the couple left you overwhelmed. tears welled up in your eyes as you covered your mouth, muffling any sound that might betray your presence. your ears rang from the intensity of the fight unfolding before you, and your heart pounded with dread.

then, a sudden and thunderous crash tore through the cavern, and your gasp was stifled by your hand. the source of the noise was a massive statue, striker's own twisted monument, hurtling towards him. you watched in a horrified trance, unable to comprehend the unfolding disaster. did striker get crushed beneath the colossal weight of his own ego? what had just happened?

as the dust settled, your wide, terror-stricken eyes remained fixed on the scene before you, desperately seeking answers amid the chaos and uncertainty that surrounded you.

you huddled in the corner of the cavern, you were a silent, trembling specter of fear. your heart hammered in your chest, a cacophony that matched the chaos erupting around you. ears still ringing from the deafening clash of combat, you clamped your hands over them as if it could somehow muffle the terrible sounds that had assaulted your senses.

tears streamed down your cheeks, mingling with the dust and dirt that clung to your face. it was overwhelming, the violence and the uncertainty of the situation. all you could do was shrink further into the shadows, desperately trying not to be noticed, praying for the nightmare to end.

striker was dead (you THOUGHT), buried beneath the shattered remnants of his own arrogance. the cavern was fraught with tension and lingering danger, and you were trapped in its midst, a helpless witness to the brutality that had unfolded before you.

as the dust settled and the echoes of battle faded, you watched in silence as moxxie and millie quickly moved to untie stolas. their hurried, whispered words and furtive glances were not lost on you. they were trying to right the wrongs that had unfolded in this dark corner of hell, attempting to rectify the violence that had threatened to consume them all.

once stolas was free, the trio made a hasty exit, leaving you alone in the cavern's oppressive silence. it was a chance to breathe, to collect your scattered thoughts. 

as you sat there in the eerie stillness of the cavern, your trembling breaths gradually began to steady. the ordeal had been nothing short of nightmarish, and the aftermath left you feeling both relieved and apprehensive about what lay ahead.

just as you began to gather your thoughts and process the harrowing events that had unfolded, there was a sudden movement in the shadows. before you could react, striker, seemingly risen from the dead, lunged towards you with surprising speed. his hand clamped over your arm, and he yanked you to your feet with a force that left you breathless.

you found yourself staring into his wild, furious eyes, and his grip on your arm was unrelenting. striker's once-imposing figure was now battered and scratched, his bandana torn and hanging loosely around his neck. he was a mess, but his determination burned brighter than ever.

"come on, sweetheart, we ain't got time for dilly-dallyin," striker growled, his voice strained from the recent battle. without waiting for your response, he dragged you towards bombproof, who stood patiently nearby, unfazed by the chaos that had unfolded.

you clung to striker, holding onto him for dear life, your heart pounding in your chest. the events of the past few minutes had left you in a state of shock, and you couldn't find the words to express your thoughts and emotions.

as striker mounted bombproof, he pulled you up in front of him, securing you with a firm grip around your waist. as bombproof sprung to life beneath you, carrying you both away from the scene of the battle, you couldn't contain the questions that flooded your mind. with a shaky voice, you asked striker, "were you actually about to assassinate stolas? what kind of relationship do moxxie and millie have with stolas? why'd they save him, and who ordered to kill him? was it stella?"

striker remained silent for a moment, his grip on bombproof's reins tight. finally, he spoke, his voice tense and strained. "it's complicated," he muttered, his gaze fixed on the dark path ahead. "there's more to this mess than you know. we'll talk later. right now, just focus on calming down."

[snoozingredpanda]

Happy holidays! How are the girls celebrating this year with reader?

Happy holidays!! I haven’t written in ages so bear with me lol. I’ve also added my newest OC, Lockie :)

—

Holidays with the Girls [Benni, Nox, Fenix, Rudy, Lockie]

GN!Reader

Warnings: Loneliness, depression, anxiety, accident resulting in a physical disability

—

Benni

• Benni absolutely loves the holiday season. It’s her favourite, after Halloween. She loves Christmas traditions, such as decorating her dorm room, cooking lots of festive foods and gifting her friends presents.

• Before she met you, she didn’t have many people to gift, and often gave presents to people she knew were a little lonely like her, such as the collage dinner ladies, the principle, and even the weird kid who sat alone at lunch. She loves seeing their eyes light up, especially when they open it and find something that Benni had spent hours choosing.

• And when you came along into her life, she had even more fun with her holiday cheer. She loves going shopping with you to find Christmas jumpers and gingerbread house kits, piling the shopping cart with decorations she definitely does not need yet wants anyways.

• She loves picking Christmas films to watch with you, curling up on the couch together, wrapped in a million blankets to keep the cold out. Her favourites are Deck the Halls and The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. She always says the grinch reminds her of her mother, laughing gently as she does.

• Baking cookies with you on Christmas Eve is one of her most treasured memories. The two of you flinging flour at each other, covered in cookie mix, taking minutes at a time to kiss whilst baking. It takes almost all night, but when you’re done, you leave the cookies and some milk out for Santa.

• And yes you do sneak out to eat the cookies and drink the milk to give Benni a little bit of serotonin the next morning and feed into her longing for a childhood, even if it’s a little late.

• On Christmas Day she gives you many gifts, each one carefully picked out to make sure you give her one of your special smiles.

• And when you give her your present, she finds herself grinning ear to ear, no matter what it is. Just the fact that you’ve given her something makes her happy, her heart bursting with love.

• And if you don’t celebrate Christmas, don’t worry! Benni will certainly celebrate whatever holiday you do, and put her best effort into it no matter what it is! She just loves spending time with you and doing all sorts of festive things.

Nox

• Nox doesn’t like holidays. She doesn’t like the lights, or the songs, or even the gifting. It’s all just such a drag to her. Too much fun and laughter and cheer. Or at least until she meets you.

• Whatever holiday you celebrate, she’ll put in an adequate amount of effort. She won’t go out of her way to do things on her own, but if she sees a decoration she knows you’ll like, she’ll buy it and sneak it into the box holding all the decorations, pretending it was there already.

• The only good thing about the festive season is the food. She loves your cooking, and if you cook a nice big Christmas dinner, she’ll be eating it up with gusto. Your cooking is just so good, and she can’t get enough of it. Munching on turkey, stuffing, vegetables, pigs in blankets, anything you cook.

• But if you want to meet up with your family, and force her to come… she’s not going to be the life of the party, that’s for sure. She’s awkward around your family, and doesn’t like when your mother puts on loud songs, or your father asks her to toast before dinner. She’ll put up with it, as long as you promise to call her in sick next year.

• As much as Nox dislikes Christmas and holidays in general, there is one situation where she’ll go all out: if you have kids.

• Whether they’re from a previous relationship or you’ve decide to have one together, Nox will make sure Christmas if the very best for them. She’ll decorate and bake, and put on songs, and move those stupid elf on the shelf things around while they’re in bed.

• You’ll find her reading stories to them, about Santa and reindeer and elves and puddings, laying them to rest on Christmas Eve. Afterward, she’ll fill their stockings and eat all their cookies and milk, even eating the carrots left for Santa’s reindeer. One year, she even got flour and walked around in big boots, making it look like Santa had come all the way to the tree from the kitchen.

• It’s adorable how much she loves the kids. 10/10 would recommend, but only if they’re your kids. Warning: Does not like any other kids.

Fenix

• She didn’t celebrate Christmas at the hospital, it just made her want to strangle people more than normal. Mostly the annoying songs the nurses would blurt down the corridors, and the stupid flashing lights that blinded her whenever she looked through the peephole of her door — all the small things about the holiday season irritated her.

• While all the other patients were singing and laughing on Christmas Eve, Fenix was locked away in her room, reading. By choice, that is.

• The only good part about Christmas was that the nurses would get her a new set of books as a gift, which she’d read obsessively due to having read all the others. But after a few weeks, that joy dies down, and she’s back to mopey old Fenix.

• When you come into her life, you force her to decorate her room. A small plastic Christmas tree, some fairy lights hung across her headboard, even a Santa plush on her bookshelf. It takes every single fibre of her being not to rip them down, but since you put them there, she can’t bring herself to.

• You bombard her with festive traditions, making her create cards with you, with glitter and stickers, help her wrap gifts (which you’d chosen out since Fenix honestly didn’t care about the other patients and often wondered why she should even give them anything), you even got permission to take her to the hospital kitchens to bake cookies.

• But then Christmas Day rolled around and Fenix was alone again. Hardly anyone worked today, just a few nurses who didn’t have a life, or just didn’t celebrate Christmas. She’s reading in her room, occasionally looking up to the window, watching snowflakes fall.

• When you open the door, holding a present, she’s incredibly surprised. Why? Why were you here, with her, on Christmas!?

• It was the first time that she wished Christmas wouldn’t end.

• Ever since then she’s loved spending the holidays with you. Even after she gets out of the hospital, she’s always excited for Christmas, and all other holidays. Just because she gets to spend them with you, and that she’s not alone anymore. You’re truly the best gift she could ask for.

Rudy

• Literally does not know what Christmas is.

• She’s a dragon, she doesn’t know about festivals and gift giving and decorations and all that. She simply has no clue about any traditions that humans take part in.

• However she does know that one month a year, all the humans in the town below her mountain like to hang up the prettiest of lights and shine them bright every night.

• She’ll fly down and hide in a tree, watching each house light up with whites, blues, greens and reds. Flashing and blinking at her as if to say hello! She loves these lights, reflecting off of the cold snow, illuminating the entire village.

• Most nights she spends watching them, feeling the chill in her lungs, but she doesn’t care. The lights are too beautiful for her to go back to the comfort of her nest.

• And when the snow starts to melt, the humans take away Rudy’s beloved lights, and she has to wait 11 whole months until they come back up.

• She’ll take you when you become her mate. She’ll fly you down to watch them with her, telling you all about how gorgeous the lights are, that they’re like the stars. But since you’re human, you soon grow cold, and she has to take you back to the warm nest. She’s a little sad, and no matter how many times you tell her to go alone, she doesn’t want to leave you.

• One day, however, you take a trip to town, and bring back a box. Rudy watches you as you hang strange black wire everywhere, and as night falls and you press a button, all of the wire shines bright, and she’s left open-mouthed, gawking at the beautiful lights.

• They’re so close, in her nest — she can even touch them. She stays up night after night, just gazing at the pretty lights, only falling asleep when she’s too tired to keep her eyes open. She’ll snuggle up next to you, a dopey smile on her lips. She’s the happiest she can be.

Lockie

• As a pilot for the air force, Lockie didn’t get a lot of time to spend home. Occasionally she’d get a few weeks off, maybe a day here or there, but other than that, nothing. Christmas time was one of the only times she got to spend with her family, and she was grateful for that.

• She doesn’t celebrate Christmas, but instead she celebrates Hanukkah, spending her whole few weeks off with her family, which she truly values. She knows that her job is dangerous, and that she has to savour her time with them, and despite not usually celebrating cultural traditions, she still participates in the festival of lights, since she knows it means a lot to them. Plus, she loves the food her step-mother makes especially for the season.

• It was her favourite time of year, those few weeks where all she needed to do was appreciate her loved ones, and watching her father light the Menorah each night.

• It changed after the accident.

• She had a lot more free time now to spend with her family, but Lockie was a changed woman. Being tasked with a newfound disability gave her a lot of mental struggles, and her ability to connect with her family was harmed. They still treated her as their beloved daughter, but it was still hard.

• It wasn’t until she met you did she spend Hanukkah with her family again. With you by her side she was able to overcome her fears of being different, and enjoy herself. It didn’t matter if you celebrated it or not, but she just loved having you there to help her along with her struggles, and help her calm down after a panic attack.

• Her family loved you, and thanked you for helping their daughter find herself again, and become confident, like she was before the accident. They know she’s scarred both mentally and physically, and that she won’t be the same, but they also know that you’re there to help and nurture her, and keep her going through rough times.

• As for Christmas, if you celebrate it, Lockie would certainly celebrate it with you. She’d put in her best effort, even though she’d never celebrated it before. It was more the aspects of love and gratitude she liked, and seeing you smile on Christmas morning while unwrapping the presents she got you. She loves you so much, and would do anything for you, no matter what.

[suffarustuffaru]

pride and wrath if otto are super interesting to me. most notably theyre like the versions of otto who do become debt slaves to russell fellow— and they seem to be almost exactly the same. theyre, you know, understandably dead inside from experiencing Horrors. main otto already came dangerously close to getting sold into slavery in the side story otto’s bittersweet peddling trading log—and its noted he would be in higher demand bc he has a divine protection, especially one that could benefit others if he uses it that way. we know next to nothing about pride and wrath if otto, but theyre the ones that actually Did end up with the fate of being a slave, and it warps their personality away from main otto. but at the same time—we know main otto can be ruthless when he wants to. pride and wrath otto have just completely embraced it both bc of the people theyre forced to work for and bc going out of his way to be kind would be a detriment to him in this situation—hes focused on his survival bc he either cant afford to go out and help others, and/or hes already given up. he sees that pride if subaru has felix at his beck and call. he watches julius die and cleans up julius’s body. in wrath if, otto takes some enjoyment out of being the distraction before reinhard bursts in to stop the purge king, and otto is the one that stabs subaru during the chaos. in pride if, ottos under both subaru and russell fellow’s thumb. in wrath if, otto helps take down pleiades and his dark feelings finally had an outlet through that, at least. i just think its interesting how much parallels ottos darker versions have with their respective subarus—theyre friendless, view others either as threats or tools, and are generally cold and cruel. it makes sense then, past the obvious main route ottosuba reference, that pride if subaru thinks that theyd make great friends. of course they would. because theyre both bitter as fuck and look at each other and think “oh hes just like me fr”. 😭😭😭 like listen to this shit:

theres several layers to this—theres the fact that both wrath and pride if ottos dialogue (and gluttony if otto by extension) with their subarus is like this bastardized version of their fond banter in the main route. and then theres also “isnt what we see here the result of calling such people friends?” directed at julius’s corpse and felix being terribly depressed about this. like STFU OTTO. 😭😭😭😭 ottosuba in the ifs are truly the most toxic derogatory couple fr.

[goodgrammaritan]

Gratitude Journal

Saturday I had my last session with the therapist I've been seeing for the past year. She is leaving the practice, so I had to decide whether to immediately seek someone new or take a therapy break. She gave me some referrals, but seeing that by this point in our work together I was only seeing her once a month, and that that was sufficient, I told her I'd decided to try going without for a bit.

I thanked her for the work we'd done together, and for pushing me out of my comfort zone into trying new things. (For instance, we did sand tray therapy, something about which I was a bit skeptical, but that resulted in a decrease in the nightmares I've been having about my junior high bullies, nightmares that had been occurring with various frequency for 22 years.)

We both agreed that I was doing well, and that our therapy sessions of late had been more me reporting victories and successes, talking about how I used my therapy skills to cope with difficult situations, rather than expressing shame and regret about how I'd handled things. I told her that I was going to continue tracking my daily moods, and utilizing my support system.

After our session I talked with Noah about it, and asked him to keep an eye on me and tell me if I was hyper focusing or obsessing or falling into bad habits. I told him I knew I was asking a lot, but that I would also be doing my best to be vigilant about my behaviors and actions. He was 100% on board, and told me that he was going to be teasing me about things, because that's just his way of getting me to laugh at myself or take a step back and examine my behavior. He said that if I noticed him teasing me repeatedly about the same thing that that might be a problem area. I laughed and agreed that that was a good plan, and was generally feeling very optimistic.

Here's the thing: Saturday was a packed day. I had done my workout in the morning, then I had my therapy session, then Noah and I picked out new tile to repair our floor and also made a stop at Home Depot. I also did three loads of laundry. And I felt good about all of it, but that's a very spoon-heavy day.

So Sunday I woke up exhausted, had very little energy, and was just going through the motions and being a little morose. I expressed a desire to still attend a yoga class, and Noah said he was surprised because the entire day I'd been all "I'm so tired, I don't want to do things, I have no energy, blah blah blah." And he said it in a bit of an exaggerated tone. He left to get a haircut and I decided to do some proofreading work because sometimes that helps my mood, but then I thought, "Hey, he's teasing me, am I wallowing?" And that was enough to kind of jolt me out of my mopey behavior. I told him about it when I got home, and I said it was rude of him to make me follow through on my post-therapy emotional regulation plan just one day after my last therapy session. "I was planning on doing this, but not so soon!" So we laughed about it, and I asked if it had really been a problem, and he said not really, but sometimes I get comfortable being depressed because it's familiar.

"I'm always depressed."

"Is that your secret? You're always depressed?" Noah asked, paraphrasing The Avengers.

"Yeah, I guess."

Then he said "The Incredible Sulk!" and I burst out laughing. I pretended to be appalled, but come on, that shit's hilarious. So, I'm happy to report that my post-therapy strategies are already a success.

9/5/23

[thebreakfastgenie]

⭐ for any passage you particularly want to talk about

I'm going to talk about Six More Weeks!

I always cringe a little when I go to reread this one because I wrote it super fast to try to finish it before midnight on Groundhog Day and didn't even succeed, but I'm always pleasantly surprised by how much I like it. One thing that happened as a result was I spelled Uijeongbu wrong because French just sticks in the brain. I knew I didn't want to Groundhog to be named William or Winston or anything like that, because Punxsutawney Phil is named Phil, not Percy. It's not a hard P sound. So if I had been thinking, he'd be like… Uijeonbu Uri? There aren't a lot of options for U so it's really just as well and I love Olaf as a name but it does bug me. I might correct the spelling of Uijeongbu eventually but I'm not changing the groundhog's name.

I am really proud of this fic. It came from a "missing episode" idea and I think I captured that. I'm very happy with the dialogue. As for the description… it's not my best prose because I was working fast, but it gets the job done.

There is one passage I'm dying to talk about, though, and it comes at the end.

“I won the pool. Kinda lost my taste for it.”  Hawkeye gaped. “You won?”  “I put thirty bucks on wounded coming in before Olaf made his forecast. I mean,” he added uncomfortably, “I didn’t expect it to take quite so long to settle. So really I won on a technicality.”  “But why would you bet on choppers in the first place?” Hawkeye asked, confused.  “Betting on the war’s alway’s a safe bet,” Trapper said bitterly.  Hawkeye opened his mouth, but before he could embarrass himself with whatever inadequate words of comfort he could scrounge up, they were interrupted by a loud, high-pitched shriek.  Frank leapt from his cot, and Hawkeye was sure he went at least three feet in the air.  “You—you maniacs! You’re responsible for this!” Frank accused. Nestled in Frank’s bedclothes, Oujeonbu Olaf looked unfazed by the commotion. Trapper burst into peals of uncontrollable laughter. Hawkeye followed the sound, and watch Trapper bent double, saw the look of mirth on his face.  “Sorry, Frank,” he said, between his own rapidly escalating giggles. “I wish we could take credit for this.” 

The reason Hawkeye says he wishes he could take credit for Olaf appearing in Frank's bed is that the comedy of that situation cheered up Trapper who was kind of depressed about the war and the outcome of the betting pool. Hawkeye is saying he wishes he had arranged it because it made his friend feel better. I'm not sure that subtext really came through, because it's very hard to convey in prose. If this was an actual episode Alan Alda would stare meaningfully at Wayne Rogers while he delivered that line and it would be a lot more clear.

[the-berf]

As with all things, there has to be an ending, a conclusion of some kind. Sometimes it just takes years (even decades) for it to build and swell to bursting point. Carmy's panic was one such thing. Gnarly panic attacks which were more and more difficult to get under control, breathing problems, palpitations. It all culminated in an unfortunate incident that led to an ambulance being called and Carmy was rushed to hospital. Thankfully he wasn't dying. It was worse (in his eyes), he was having a major panic attack.

It was bad enough to be told that he wasn't having a heart attack (all he heard was that he wasn't seriously ill and was wasting precious time that could be spent with those actually in need). Even worse was that Sugar was there, listening, nodding along and talking about referrals. Carmy didn't need a referral. He didn't want to see anyone about anything. He wasn't dying so he was fine, suitably humiliated and embarrassed to have endured this whole fiasco.

Therapy doesn't do much other than give him some pretty labels that he doesn't much care for. Anxiety, depression, C-PTSD, they're all just words to him. He could say he was a purple elephant with enough conviction to make someone believe he believed it. Much like he could say "I love you" to his mother. Though, deep down, he knew he meant that on some level. He did love her. He also hated her.

What Carmy didn't expect was to be put on a list for a therapy dog. He bitched and grumbled about it but when the call came, he still went to meet the mutt, fully prepared to refuse it. She was called Milva, a poodle cross for minimal shedding and hypoallergenic, a harness declaring her a service dog around her chest. That evening Carmy laid on the sofa, Milva on the floor next to him, his fingers scratching through her fur.

While the kitchen was no place for a dog, Milva was happy to stay in the office, only trotting out when tension rose beyond usual levels in the kitchen. How she could tell the difference was a mystery to Carmy, if he was calling out orders rapid fire and under the usual stress of the kitchen, she stayed put. But the moment his stomach clenched horribly, his hands shook if he wasn't in motion, even the smallest of things irritated him, she was there. Nose first she'd make herself known, nudging against his hand or thigh until his attention was on her. Looking at her helped, then she'd give his fingers a lick. Carmy would have to go wash his hands but it meant he stepped away from the situation, could breathe through the surge of emotions. There were a lot fewer screaming matches as a result.

More importantly though, the times Carmy was out back, on his own and in his own world, Milva was there too. The first time Carmy looked at her, sitting and staring soulfully at him as he trembled through emotions he didn't have names for, he bit back a sob. Squirming closer, Milva had licked at his cheek and he laughed, pushing her away. It didn't deter her though. She was there the next time. And the next, in her little vest, working harder than most of the kitchen staff Carmy had encountered in his career. Tipping point came when, after aparticularly bad service, Carmy was sat in the rain, unable to even light a cigarette. A soft whine and a paw on his knee let him know Milva was there, as always. The lick to his cheek didn't garner the reaction of a laugh and being pushed away. Something in Carmy broke. He found himself clutching at her, face buried in the soft fur of her neck and sobbing. By the time he was all cried out they were both soaking wet, dripping and stinking like wet dogs. The kitchen had been cleaned up by the others and they traipsed through, leaving a trail of water.

After that, the office gained a comfortable dog bed rather than a blanket haphazardly thrown on the floor. Though he wasn't ready to admit it just yet, Carmy was also considering turning a corner of the dining area into a dog friendly area. For all the Milva had given him, he wanted to give a little back.

[cocklessboy]

Insomnia & Chronic Pain

Following is a description of a typical night for me. I’ve been sleeping less and less lately and it’s getting to a point where I feel like I can hardly go on. My psychiatrist is trying to help by prescribing me various sleep aids, but so far none have worked. Last night I tried Circadin (slow-release melatonin) for the first time. Spoilers, but it did not help.

I’ve been feeling like I’m not communicating well to the psychiatrist just how dire the situation is. I don’t express myself well verbally and he doesn’t really respond to emails (often he simply doesn’t read them and I have to tell him what they said at my next appointment) but I know I can describe it in writing in a way that will get through to him, so I’ve written up this long narrative which I will send to him along with a brief explanation that I know it’s long, but I need him to read it, even if he only does so in short bursts and it takes him a while to get through it, because I cannot express how I’m feeling in a face to face conversation.

I know my experiences are far from unique and probably there are other people out there who will relate. So here you go. I hope this text can give someone else the words to describe something, or make them feel less alone. The following contains mentions of chronic pain, surgery complications, insomnia, depression, parental neglect, loneliness, frustrations with doctors, death, and sensory overload. For context, I’m 37, am autistic with ADHD, transmasculine and gay, I have chronic pain from various sources which will be described in the text, I had top surgery 9 months ago which resulted in complications including chronic nerve pain (I still don’t regret the surgery but trying to get help for these complications has been a nightmare), and I’ve had severe insomnia since I was 5 years old. I’ll put most of it behind a cut because this is gonna be a long one:

It's midnight. It's time for bed. Last night I slept for maybe four hours total, and not all at once. I'm so tired I feel like I can't possibly stay awake for another second. Surely I will fall asleep right at my desk if I don't go lie down right now. I take the Circadin (2 mg), which I'm trying for the first time. The packaging says to take it 1-2 hours before sleep. I shut everything down, turn off all the lights except the dim one by the bed, brush my teeth, grab my book, sit in bed to read until I'm ready to sleep.

It doesn't take long. Less than an hour and I can't focus on the words anymore. Put away the book. Turn off the light. Lie down on my right side (the left side hurts too much). The extra bit of skin from my top surgery which is under my arm is uncomfortable. I can feel the way it's pressing into the mattress. There's no position where this doesn't happen.

My stomach. Nothing can touch my stomach. For maybe two years now, I have a constant chronic feeling of bloating in my stomach. It doesn't matter what I eat or drink, it's always there. I always have gas. I've grown sensitive to more and more foods over time and now it doesn't matter what I eat. I belch and fart every few minutes but it doesn't bring relief. I used to be embarrassed by this but I'm too far gone to care anymore. I can't hug a stuffed animal to sleep anymore because it presses on my stomach. I can't rest my arms in a comfortable position because they touch my stomach. It's not pain, just strong discomfort, that feeling of bloating and pressure when I touch it. When I move away, relief. But no matter where I put my arms, the pressure is still there, especially if I'm lying on my right side. I have to lie on my right side now. Even just the feeling of my t-shirt on the skin causes discomfort. I keep trying to pull my shirt away so it doesn't touch. It keeps falling back.

Trams are passing by outside. Brakes squeaking as they stop, then start moving again. All night long.

My jaw. There's no comfortable position for my jaw. It didn't grow properly on one side when I was a child and it doesn't fit into the joint correctly now. I've had constant pain and inflammation in the joint since I was a teenager and it gets worse the older I get. A dentist said I should get surgery for it - they break your jaw, insert an extender to make it the right size, wire your jaw shut, you eat through a straw for months. Fuck no. After what happened in my last surgery, all the complications I got, I am absolutely not risking that. It hurts now, but it could be worse, I know it could. I keep moving my jaw around trying to find a comfortable position. Right here it pulls on the left side, there it pulls on the right. If I put it just there it doesn't really hurt but as soon as I relax it falls in such a way that it cuts off my breathing and I wake up gasping for air. I try propping it up with part of the pillow. There's some relief, but after a few minutes, my neck starts to feel sore. I move the pillow back. It hurts. It never stops hurting.

My stomach is upset. My chest hurts. My eyes, my head, they burn. They burn and throb from never sleeping.

I roll over onto my left side. Instant stabbing pain in my chest. Like a knife. Like my chest is covered in tiny papercuts that won't heal. The doctor says the surgeon must have hit a nerve during the surgery. She says I need to find a plastic surgeon to try to fix it but I haven’t been able to find a trustworthy trans-friendly plastic surgeon yet. I roll onto my back.

Some relief. The jaw doesn't hurt so much in this position. The chest doesn't hurt too badly. But it's hard to breathe. It takes effort to keep my throat open when I'm lying on my back even when I'm wide awake and as soon as I start to doze off, I wake back up choking and gasping for air again. I roll back onto my right side. It hurts.

Trams are going by outside.

I check the phone. It's 2:00. I shout in frustration. I immediately feel guilty. I can hear the neighbors fighting and shouting at each other all day, they can surely hear me crying out in pain in the middle of the night. I cry for a while. How can I possibly still be awake? I feel like I can't possibly remain conscious for another second. But it's impossible to sleep through this pain.

My skin itches. Head to toe, my whole body. Itches and burns. I feel like someone has rubbed me down with stinging nettles. I scratch at my skin. I shout in frustration again. If I scratch at the skin enough, it starts to hurt instead of itching. I can deal with pain easier than itching. I keep scratching.

My jaw hurts. My stomach is upset. My chest hurts. My neck hurts. Trams are going by outside. It's 3:00.

I start to taste stomach acid. It's been too long since I last ate. When my stomach is empty, I get acid reflux. I can't sleep on an empty stomach. I can’t lie here any longer anyway. I get up. I open a bag of chips in the dark kitchen and eat a handful. I have some water, go to the bathroom. The cat is following me around, confused, concerned. Are we getting up? Is it time to play? I return to my bed but I don't lie down. I stand next to it. I stare at it. The cat rubs on my leg. I'm so tired. I'm so tired I can't possibly still be awake. I sway back and forth. My eyes are swimming, vision blurry. The Circadin will be wearing off soon, if it hasn't already. I'm plenty sleepy, but the pain. The itching. The bloating in my stomach.

I sit on the mattress but I don't lie down yet. Lying down will hurt. I wonder if I can fall asleep just sitting up, leaning forward over my legs. My stomach feels the pressure.

I prop up some pillows so I can lie on my back while still partially sitting up. There is some relief. The pain is less in this position. I still can't breathe very well. After several minutes like this, my knees start to scream in agony. My knees always hurt if I have my legs out straight for too long. It puts just enough pressure on the knees to make them sore. I still don't know what's wrong with my knees. They’ve hurt like this for 8 years. The orthopedist said it’s probably the extensor muscles and I should just keep doing exercises and stretches until it gets better. It’s been weeks since he said that. It’s not getting better. The pain is unbearable.

I roll onto my right side, still sitting up. I know this is bad for my back and neck but I'm far past caring. Just some sleep. Just let me sleep. I'll deal with the fucked up neck and back tomorrow. Just. Just let me sleep.

My chest hurts. My stomach. My knees. My jaw. My neck. My skin is still on fire. I cry for a while. Trams are going by outside.

I hear myself speaking. I don't mean to but I'm delirious with exhaustion. I'm saying Please, and Help, and Please, and Make It Stop, and I'll Do Anything. Please. I'm still crying. I feel like a whiny little baby.

I'm getting dehydrated. I sit up and drink some water. I check the time. It's 4:00. I cry even harder. I start sobbing like a small child. I feel like I instinctively want to call out for my mother, but my mother is a monster incapable of love. I try to remember a time when she hugged me, but I don't think she ever did. I reflect for a moment over my life. No one has ever held me and told me it was going to be okay. There is no one for me to call out for. No really close friends. No partner. No family. I don't even have anyone to fantasize about being there for me, let alone anyone to ask for help. No one to talk to. No one who cares. I think, maybe I'm dying. Maybe this is what dying feels like. You fight and you struggle and you hold on as long as you can, but your body and mind gradually break down. It's like doing push-ups. Every day is like another push-up. Each one is more difficult than the last. And no matter how hard you fight, eventually you will lower yourself down for the next push-up and your arms will simply refuse to lift you back up. You can try and try and try but there is no strength left and eventually you will collapse and smack your face on the mat. Willpower can only take you so far. How many days do I have left before my entire mind and body collapse and refuse to let me get up again?

I have so much work to do tomorrow. So many deadlines. I am a freelancer. There is no sick time. No days off. No holidays. No weekends. If I don't do all my work I won't be able to afford the newly-increased rent, the recently-tripled gas prices, the nearly-doubled cost of food. I have to work or I'll die. I have no one to help me if I can't work anymore.

I decide in my sleep-deprived state to simply invent someone who loves me. 37 is a perfectly good age to be inventing new imaginary friends, right? There, I have a boyfriend now. He's very sweet and kind and he thinks I'm amazing and he loves my cooking and he reassures me that I'm not weak, I'm not pathetic, I'm not broken, I'm just struggling against something most people could never imagine, devoting half my energy to surviving it, the other half to hiding it so that I don't become so miserable that no one wants to be around me. I'm not a burden, I'm a god damned superhero, actually. Thank you, imaginary boyfriend. I needed to hear that.

I'm not going insane, I'm ill. And if I really can't work, they have social security for that, right? How does the disability system work here? I know in the US I wouldn't be able to get any help but maybe it's different here. Maybe I can get a little help.

Maybe I'm already dead. Maybe the christians were right and this is hell. Eternally exhausted, eternally in pain, never able to sleep, never given the slightest relief. Sounds like the literal definition of hell.

I'm lying in bed again, tossing turning, desperate for a position where I can fall unconscious. It's getting worse instead of better. The stress and the exhaustion are making my hypersensitivity even worse. Every sensation is amplified. My tinnitus is getting louder and louder. High-pitched ringing in my ears. It's been ten years since I experienced silence. It hurts. Add it to the list. Everything hurts. Pain relief. What can I take for pain relief? Ibuprofen and paracetamol do nothing. I have all those other NSAIDs doctors have given me which do nothing. I still have some tramadol from after the surgery but it's too much. Slow-release tablets that keep the drug in your system all day. That shit interacts with everything as well. Not safe to take without careful planning. Anyway I have to save that for genuine emergencies. I can't get any more of it. I made the mistake of asking once. Asking my doctor, can I please just get some low-dose tramadol to have on hand for emergencies? I won't take it too often, I'm very careful about addictive drugs, but if I don't have some way to occasionally get some relief from the pain I feel like I'm going to die. She laughed at me, scoffed at the very idea of using painkillers for severe chronic pain. We don't do that, she said. We don't prescribe those except for surgery. They have side effects, you see. They can be dangerous.

Thanks, doc. Sure, much better to protect me from the very dangerous medication specifically designed to give people like me relief from the extreme hell I'm living through right now. Much better to just leave me like this. Definitely letting me be in constant pain and stress and never sleeping is far better for my health than letting me have a low dose of tramadol once every week or two. Thanks for making a note on my file that I asked for opiates as a warning to any other doctors that I might be drug-seeking (unlike all your other patients, who come to you hoping for a pat on the head and a few words of encouragement, not medicine). Thanks so much. Now I can die of a stroke when I'm 40 like god intended. No risk of opiate addiction that way.

Maybe I'm already dead. Do I want to be dead? I hear myself say, I Don't Want To Be Alive Anymore. But I don't want to die, either. I'm terrified of death. Life is so short, so finite, and I have so much left to do. I just want to be allowed to really be alive.

It's 5:00.

Fuck it. I get up. I have another handful of chips to quiet my grumbling stomach, and a big swig of rum. Two swigs, right from the bottle. It will irritate my acid reflux but alcohol is the only thing I have that will actually dull the pain enough that I might be able to sleep. I'm furious. I stand in the kitchen waiting to digest it before I try lying back down to minimize the reflux. I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of alcohol being my only option. For a moment, my thoughts hazy and my vision swirling, I wonder how difficult it would be to find heroin in Prague. I remember, vaguely, a former addict I used to know telling me he moved here from London specifically because heroin is hard to find here, so he couldn't relapse. He wound up addicted to benzodiazepines instead.

Thanks for keeping me away from that terrifying, dangerous tramadol, doc. Now I get to explore all my other options, like trying to find illegal drugs to kill the pain, or pickling my liver with alcohol.

I have loads of benzodiazepines. Plenty of clonazepam. Those are incredibly easy to get. Any doctor will give you those. One doctor told me to take five of them a day for anxiety and insomnia. Thank god they protect me from the very dangerous opiates. Nothing dangerous about telling someone to take benzos five times a day, no sir. Nothing addictive about that. No side effects there. Nope.

Fortunately I know very well how dangerous they actually are. I ignored the doctor’s instructions, consulted a pharmacist friend, and determined that it’s fine to take them as needed on occasion, but I should avoid taking them often enough that I build up a tolerance. When was the last time I took those? Has it been long enough that I can safely take one again?

The last time was a little over a week ago. I took one to calm myself down enough to do my testosterone injection. I'm not afraid of the pain but something in my brain, some primitive self-defense mechanism, freaks out and stops me every time I'm about to insert the needle into my leg. I usually waste 2 hours sitting here trying and failing to do it, but with the pill it only took half an hour and I was done.

So it's been over a week. Not as long as I like to wait, I'd prefer to wait 2 weeks at least, but long enough that it shouldn't be a problem. But not tonight. This morning, really. It's too late now. If I take it, by the time it kicks in the sun will be coming up. I've already missed my chance for sleep tonight. Tomorrow. I'll take it tomorrow instead of the Circadin. I know that the clonazepam works. Why can't they make something like that which isn't addictive? Why can't there be something like that, which always works, which I can just take every day?

Well there isn't, apparently. That's just the way it is. I'm not allowed comfort or rest. Those things are not for me. The cat is pawing at my leg, asking me to play.

The alcohol has kicked in now. My skin feels less itchy. The pain is still there but it's not as sharp. It's nearly 6:00. I lie in bed, on my right side. I hear someone's alarm clock going off elsewhere in the building. I hear people getting up and moving around. Trams going by outside. Somehow, eventually, I fall asleep. I dream about a hospital where the walls are crumbling all around me, and video games, and the one real friend I ever had who sent me a message half a year ago informing me that his girlfriend was making him choose between their relationship and our friendship, and he was choosing his relationship, and I was to respect his decision and never try to contact him again.

When the cat wakes me up at 9:00 demanding breakfast (by clawing at everything around me until the sound is too unbearable to ignore) I cry some more as I get up to feed him. The neighbors are fighting on the other side of the wall. The floor is vibrating from their footsteps. Everything hurts. Trams are going by outside. The cat, finished with his breakfast, crawls into bed with me and curls up, purring, warm, soft. I manage to drift back into my dreams for one more hour before the alarm goes off.

What’s the opposite of suicide? I Don’t Want To Be Dead Anymore.

[selfpivot]

Workplace Safety Assessment: Is It Safe to Return to your office?

Workplace Safety Assessment: ‘Ensuring safety is not just about checking boxes, but about creating an environment where everyone feels secure and valued

Going back to work after coping with personal or professional health problems can feel tough for anyone. In this blog article, “How to Tell If It’s Safe to Return to Your Place of Employment,” we’ll assist you in understanding the right time to return to your workplace. We will discover what to think about, like your mental and physical health, and a guide for making your comeback at work as easy as possible. If you are feeling overstrained by work or facing major health problems, this blog will help you make the right choices for yourself and be able to manage your stress.

This blog will help you understand whether it is safe to return to work and offer real guidance to verify your return is smooth and safer. If you have trouble deciding to go back to work when you are suffering from anxiety, this blog is a complete guide for you in making the right choice for your comfort and career.

Workplace Safety Assessment: Why Do You Feel Overwhelmed During the Work?

The Reason for feeling stressed at the workplace is due to a few things: Many tasks with little time, improbable hopes from your manager or associates, not getting appropriate resources or support, or, feeling of not having the required skills for the job.

Much workload in less time:

Working on a deadline to complete more tasks in some hours, can feel like a burden for anyone. The pressure of deadlines or too much workload can stress you out and make you distracted from your targeted work hence leading to burnout.

Too Much High Expectations:

If your boss or colleagues set goals that look hard to reach at a given time with fewer resources. This can be exhausting, draining, and depressing, especially when it feels like you’re trying hard to fulfill the goals that are set for you.

Less resources and support:

It’s hard to manage various projects in less time and without the exact tools, training, or assistance. Outdated technology and inadequate resources can make it almost impossible to reach your goals, resulting in stress or burnout.

Lack of required skills:

Only being qualified is not enough. Lack of experience or not having enough knowledge of new tools can be overwhelming. In such situations, seeking help from more experienced colleagues can reduce the stress.

Feeling overwhelmed at the workplace is a sign that causes stress and burnout, but with the right tactics and support, you can balance the work schedule and your mental health. Let’s discover these tips that can help you manage your work pressure and reduce stress.

Assuring Good Mental Health:

Circumstances like social anxiety or ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder)- can affect your work performance. Interaction with your boss about your perfect or ideal work environment can help you deal with these challenges.

The Interconnection Between Work Stress and Health Issues:

Let’s learn about the impact of work stress on physical and mental health in this blog.

The interconnection between work pressure and health issues is a complicated and important part of the study. We will discover how these two aspects affect each other:

Stress Response Methods:

When an employee has to face major tasks such as high productivity in less time of tight deadlines or struggles at work at that time, the stress response system activates in the body. This mechanism involves the release of stress hormones such as ‘cortisol’ and ‘adrenaline’. Though these response methods are helpful while tackling short bursts; chronic activation can cause numerous health complications. Workplace safety assessment helps spot any risks and makes sure the office is safe for you to return.

Physical Health Impact:

Heart Relevant Problems:

Long-time stress is allied with high blood pressure and increased scope of stroke and heart diseases. Stress hormones can cause heartburn, breathing difficulties, and inflammation, as well as other factors that harmfully affect heart health.

Digestive Issues:

Stress can lead to intense gastrointestinal issues such as (IBS)irritable bowel syndrome, ulcers, and acid reflux.

Weak Immune System:

Long-lasting stress can be the cause of weakening someone’s immune system and all these reasons make the individuals more vulnerable to infections and sicknesses.

Mental Health Impact:

Anxiety and Depression: Higher levels of work pressure are the main cause of increased rates of anxiety and depression. The constant strain and pressure can end up with mental health disorders.

Burnout:

This is a physical and emotional state, as well as mental fatigue caused by constant and excessive stress. Burnout often leads to a drop in productivity and a feeling of disinterest in work.

Behavior Changes:

Stress can lead to unhealthy behaviors in handling the situations such as taking excessive alcohol, smoking habits, or unhealthy eating habits. These irresponsible and unhealthy behaviors can additionally contribute to health complications and can lead to death too.

Sleep Disturbance:

Work stress can affect sleep patterns and can give you sleepless nights or insomnia. Poor quality sleep can worsen both mental and physical health issues.

Work-Life Balance:

Another cause of increased stress levels can be the poor work-life balance. Struggling to balance work demands leads to a stressful personal life and hurts health.

Work stress can be reduced through tactics for example: stress management, healthy lifestyle choices, and cooperative work environments to help lessen its effects on health. Contact us for our Online Counseling Services if you are feeling stressed at your workplace.

Workplace Safety: Psychological Safety Matters

Psychological safety is important for a pleasant and healthy as well productive workplace.  A healthy workplace makes you feel confident for Instance: You won’t be penalized or mocked when you share your ideas, are curious about some queries, or admit mistakes. When a person feels safe to speak up in his work environment, it is helpful for everyone and leads to a healthy and joyful workplace.

A psychologically safe environment allows the team members to be willing to fully share their creative ideas, and fight with obstacles together in work. This honest approach helps to solve problems, improves creativity, and boosts team performance. It means the united team can solve any problem early because the comfort in the people leads to keeping anxieties away.

Without psychological safety, staff can feel disconnected, work less efficiently, and may think about leaving the company. They may hesitate to share their creative ideas or avoid solving the issues, which can prevent the company’s growth and innovation.

Maintaining psychological safety means building a culture of mutual respect and understanding between coworkers. Leaders play an essential part in this by promoting open communication and solving any issues that can be obstacles to support and betterment the environment.

Conclusion:

Workplace safety assessment is important to ensure the best time to return to the office is both confident and safe, protecting your health and peaceful state of mind.

Deciding to get back to work after facing health challenges can be the major step. This blog addresses important factors to help you determine whether you’re ready for work or not such as your psychological and physical health as well as work pressure is the factors for psychological safety.

By understanding these aspects, you can make an informed decision and be assured of a smoother transition. Effective strain management and a caring work environment are significant to your happiness and success. using the right dealing method, you can handle this transition and happily return to a healthy workplace.

[curtiscripe]

Curtis Cripe Highlights How Stress and Anxiety Affect Brain Plasticity

Curtis Cripe on the Hidden Impact of Stress and Anxiety on Brain Plasticity

The human brain is a remarkable organ endowed with the ability to adapt, change, and reorganize itself—a phenomenon known as neuroplasticity. Curtis Cripe mentions that this capability allows the brain to form new connections, recover from injury, and adapt to new experiences. However, chronic stress and anxiety can significantly impair this incredible adaptability, with far-reaching consequences for cognitive function and mental health.

The Science Behind Stress and Anxiety

Stress and anxiety are natural responses to perceived threats or challenges. When faced with a stressful situation, the brain triggers the release of stress hormones, such as cortisol, which prepare the body to respond. While this response is beneficial in short bursts, chronic stress—prolonged exposure to stressors—can have a detrimental effect on brain function.

Anxiety, closely related to stress, involves persistent worry and fear that can be triggered by stressors or occur without any obvious cause. Like stress, anxiety can activate the brain's fight-or-flight response, leading to the release of cortisol and other stress hormones. Over time, this constant state of alertness can have negative effects on brain health.

The Impact on Brain Plasticity

Neuroplasticity is essential for learning, memory, and overall cognitive function. However, chronic stress and anxiety can severely disrupt this process. When the brain is exposed to high levels of cortisol for extended periods, it can cause structural changes, particularly in areas like the hippocampus and prefrontal cortex—regions crucial for memory formation, decision-making, and emotional regulation.

Research has shown that chronic stress can lead to a reduction in the size of the hippocampus, impairing its ability to form new memories and retrieve old ones. This atrophy is a direct result of the harmful effects of cortisol, which can lead to the loss of synaptic connections and the death of neurons. In the prefrontal cortex, chronic stress and anxiety can weaken the neural circuits responsible for executive functions, such as planning, problem-solving, and impulse control.

Moreover, chronic stress and anxiety can impair the brain's ability to generate new neurons, a process known as neurogenesis. This is particularly concerning because neurogenesis plays a crucial role in maintaining cognitive flexibility and emotional resilience. Without the continuous generation of new neurons, the brain's capacity to adapt and recover from stress is significantly reduced.

Long-Term Consequences

The long-term impact of stress and anxiety on brain plasticity can lead to a range of cognitive and emotional difficulties. Individuals experiencing chronic stress may find it harder to concentrate, learn new information, and make decisions. Additionally, impaired plasticity can contribute to the development of mental health disorders, such as depression and anxiety, creating a vicious cycle that further exacerbates the problem.

Understanding the impact of stress and anxiety on brain plasticity underscores the importance of managing stress for overall brain health. While it is impossible to eliminate stress, adopting stress-reducing practices—such as mindfulness, regular physical activity, and adequate sleep—can help protect the brain's plasticity and preserve cognitive function. Curtis Cripe notes that by taking proactive steps to manage stress, individuals can support their brain's ability to adapt, learn, and thrive in the face of life's challenges.

[support1212]

baddest predict,

baddest predict,

Predictions have long fascinated humanity, from ancient oracles foretelling the future to modern-day algorithms attempting to forecast everything from stock market trends to the weather. Yet, for all the successes, there are also instances where predictions fall flat, sometimes with disastrous consequences. These failures, dubbed "baddest predicts," serve as cautionary tales about the limitations of foresight and the complexities of the world we inhabit.

One of the most notorious examples of a baddest predict in recent memory is the global financial crisis of 2008. Leading up to the collapse, many economists and financial analysts confidently reassured the public that the housing market was stable and that the risks were manageable. However, their models failed to account for the interconnectedness of the mortgage-backed securities market, the proliferation of subprime lending, and the systemic flaws in the banking industry. When the bubble burst, the fallout was catastrophic, leading to widespread economic turmoil and triggering the worst recession since the Great Depression.

Another infamous instance of a baddest predict is the failure to anticipate the COVID-19 pandemic. Despite warnings from epidemiologists and public health experts about the potential for a global health crisis, many governments and organizations were caught off guard when the virus spread rapidly around the world in early 2020. Misinformation, political inertia, and a lack of preparedness exacerbated the situation, resulting in widespread illness, death, and economic disruption. The failure to heed these warnings serves as a stark reminder of the consequences of complacency in the face of emerging threats.

In the realm of technology, baddest predicts are also prevalent. The history of computing is littered with examples of failed forecasts, from predictions about the demise of personal computers to the underestimation of the internet's transformative power. Even the experts can get it wrong when it comes to predicting the direction of technological innovation and societal change.

So why do predictions fail? There are several reasons. First, the world is a complex and dynamic system, making it difficult to anticipate all the variables that may influence future events. Second, human behavior is often unpredictable, as individuals and groups react to changing circumstances in unexpected ways. Third, biases and blind spots can distort our perception of reality, leading us to overlook or discount information that contradicts our preconceived notions.

Nevertheless, despite the inherent challenges, predictions remain a valuable tool for planning and decision-making. While we may never achieve perfect foresight, we can still use probabilistic models and scenario planning to anticipate and mitigate risks. Moreover, by learning from past mistakes and remaining vigilant to emerging threats, we can better prepare ourselves for an uncertain future.

In conclusion, baddest predicts serve as a humbling reminder of the limitations of human knowledge and foresight. While we should strive to improve our predictive capabilities, we must also recognize the inherent uncertainty of the world and remain adaptable in the face of unforeseen events. By doing so, we can navigate the complexities of the modern world with greater resilience and agility.

[changedlives]

GOD IS IN THE DETAILS

Shalom Bishop and Harvesters I have been a member of Harvest for over six months.  I can assure you that Bishop Kevin Foreman’s leadership at this church was exactly where I needed to be planted from the beginning.  I would describe myself as a positive, upbeat person. However, I was wrecked, anxious, and depressed on the inside. Since joining Harvest, I’ve had a ton of testimonials. However, I was unable to keep this one to myself.  My adult children required my support last year.  In order to assist, I moved everything. To help everyone achieve financial freedom, I set up a rent to own arrangement so that we could all live in the same home.  It didn’t really happen that way, I’ll say next. My kids didn’t have enough money because they were so accustomed to me taking care of everything. My expenses will be in addition to theirs, leaving me to bear those costs. I didn’t use my TSP to buy the house; instead, I paid the down payment out of my own pocket.  Within the year,  my credit score dropped about 200 points as a result of my massive debt accumulation. Well, I had been praying and having faith in God since I know that he is in the details. I think this year will be unlike any other for the rest of it. I’m going to have a great year this year. I know that faithful givers flourish, and I am one, despite being without and having nothing for a moment. There were times when I would look forward to receiving a check but all of my creditors would take it before I could even fill up my car with gas. The whole thing took place over the course of a year. In my entire life, I have never been in this situation.  With the house, I was $11,272 in debt.  I had to go to court last Monday and was excited about what was about to happen.  I believe I was the only person in the courthouse who was smiling.  When they called my name, the judge told me to go see the lawyer.  Long story short, when we returned to court before the judge, they had dismissed the entire $11, 272. I burst into tears right there. They told me I was a lucky lady, but I told them I was blessed beyond measure.  My children and I will live separately again, and our relationship will not be damaged as a result of what transpired.  The following three months will be my greatest ones, according to Bishop.  Currently, I just have this one testimonial; my next one will be…I’ll make six figures, I promise.  I can already see it coming together.

[gsuniversityofficial]

Top things that you can do to avoid stress

Stress is a part of daily life

Everyone goes through stress. It is important to deal with it in the right manner. How you cope with stress is very important. Also, let us not forget that stress can cause many health issues when not dealt with properly. Awareness about dealing with stress in the right manner is very important. GS Super Speciality Hospital, the best hospital in Ghaziabad, takes the initiative to raise awareness about stress coping mechanisms to help you deal with stress in the right manner.

Before we hop, skip, and jump into the topic of the top things that you can do to avoid stress, let's take a sneak peek into what exactly is stress, how it can affect your overall well-being, and why dealing with stress in the right manner is important in life.

All you need to know about stress

Stress is known as tension which comes up in daily life due to everyday problems, demands, and pressures at work and personal life. When you get stressed out, the body releases cortisol hormone which helps in fight and flight response. This allows you to deal with stress in the right manner.

Is stress normal?

Some amount of stress can be considered very important in life which helps you to give your best. For e.g. getting anxious before an important meeting, presentation, or exam. This allows the body to release a cortisol hormone which stimulates extra energy to focus and concentrate to win over the situation. So, stress is considered normal in life and it is important to deal with it the right way. This is also considered as your in-built fight response which allows you to deal with stress positively.

There is another negative aspect to stress which is termed chronic stress. Let's explore it in the next part of the article.

What is chronic stress?

Recurrent stressful situations in life can make it problematic to deal with. Also, if you lack the fight response to face stress, you might end up running away from stress which is termed flight response. This may result in a chronic build-up of stress and high levels of cortisol (stress hormones) causing major health-related issues.

Types of stress

The different types of stress are as follows-

Positive stress

A boost of adrenaline rush is very important at times which allows you to stay positive and deal with stress to come out as a winner. This helps release happy motivational hormones which helps you feel great about yourself. This is also called eustress which is beneficial for mind and body. Examples of positive stress are facing challenges at work which helps you perform better in life and boosts your energy levels. Achieving goals to lose weight can be a great way to motivate yourself.

Negative stress

Stress is considered negative when you are unable to deal with it. This is called distress. Some of the negative stressors in life are relationship problems, unemployment, long-term sickness, or injury which creates a sense of worthlessness and hopelessness. This kind of stress can cause health-related issues. Stress is part and parcel of everyone’s life, however, it can be managed well. Let me help you explore the top things which you can do to avoid stress in the next part of the article.

Health problems due to stress

Chronic build of stress can cause many health issues which are as follows-

Obesity

Endocrinology problems like thyroid disorders

Tension headaches and migraines due to stress

Cardiovascular problems such as blood pressure

Sleep issues like insomnia

Mental health problems like depression and anxiety

Memory problems like difficulty to focus and concentrate

Weakened immune system with fatigue and tiredness

Stress-induced body pain like myalgia and arthralgia

Autoimmune disorders like SLE, ankylosing spondylitis

GIT issues such as indigestion and acidity

Premature aging

Warning signals of stress

The 7 warning signals of stress are as follows-

Frequent crying spells with feelings of hopelessness

Frequent bursts of anger over petty things

Eating disorders such as binge eating or difficulty eating

Changes in weight

Always feeling low, tired, and weak

Loss of interest in daily activities

Avoiding family and friends

Top 9 things to avoid stress

Here are the top 9 things to avoid stress in the right manner.

1.  Maintain a healthy balance in life in personal and work life

Maintaining a healthy balance in life is very important. This will help you stay relaxed and attain your goal successfully. Take out time for all your daily tasks and chores by allocating a schedule for yourself. Make sure to enjoy every moment of life to make the most out of it.

2.  Always stay positive

Look at the positive aspect of stress to boost your energy in the right direction. An adrenaline rush can help you to perform better. This allows you to know more about skill sets and helps achieve success as well. With time, you will be more confident in life.

3.  Keep yourself occupied at work

Stay occupied and keep going. Learning to deal with stress is extremely important in life. An empty mind is a devil’s workshop. It is important to stay occupied at work to give your best. This allows you to deal with stress naturally without getting interfered with by any type of problems in life.

4.  Take out some ME-TIME to relax and de-stress

Although staying occupied is the best way to deal with stress, it is important to take regular breaks. You must also go on vacation and spend some ME-TIME with coffee in the evening to relax and de-stress.

5.  Schedule your day and get organized

Scheduling your day is very important. It is essential to take your regular breaks in between as you schedule your day. Plan out and stick to the plan to make it successful at the end of the day. This will help you deal with stress as it comes your way.

6.  Stay active

Exercising is a great way to stay active. Sweating out helps release happy hormones or endorphins which help you deal with stress. Happy hormones help keep stress at bay and allow you to stay motivated to work.

7.  Self-care is very important

Looking good can help you feel good and positive. Self-care is a must that allows grooming and loving yourself. This also releases endorphins and happy hormones which help you to stay positive.

8.  Reach out for help from friends and family members

If you think that you are unable to deal with stress, you can reach out to your loved ones for support. Talking to someone and venting out your emotions can help you reduce stress levels.

9.   Stress management under medical care

If you are unable to manage stress with lifestyle changes, it is important to get started with stress management techniques under the professional care of a doctor and hospital to deal with stress at the earliest and prevent any health issues or complications.

A Note from GS Super Speciality Hospital

GS Super Hospital, Delhi NCR completely understands the patients who come to them for any kind of treatment whether acute or chronic. The professional doctors and dedicated staff of this super specialty hospital work towards relaxing the patient during treatment helping to stay away from stress and recover at a faster pace. With such positive values, services, and protocols, GS Hospital ranks among the top 10 private hospitals in Uttar Pradesh, to provide medical care at their best. It is considered as the best hospital in Ghaziabad with a team who believes in target-specific treatment and holistic wellness for patients with the best hospital services.

Conclusion

You cannot avoid stress or run away from stress. But you can set goals to keep your stress levels low which will help you deal in a better way with stress, and handle bigger challenges positively allowing you to win over the situation.