#and did not necessarily refer to someone who was married to them | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kitorin · 1 year

Text

one more time.

contents. 6.031k words (gave up on proof reading i'm sorry-), second chance romance, hurt to comfort, author + psychologist reader, swearing, nsfw (not smut just mentions), getting drunk, one nightmare, abandonment issues, kaiser’s terrible with people, it takes a while for kaiser to appear

part two to this

a/n. i guess you could read this as a stand alone, but a lot of the details won't make as much sense (like they'd have a lot more relevance and meaning if you've read part 1). and you're being referred to by your first name by your nephew for the sake of keeping it gn

"y/n?"

Your nephew's question brings some of your attention towards him, with the rest focusing on the road. Rain droplets raced along the windows, and he must've gotten bored of guessing which one was the fastest.

"Yeah? What's up?"

"When are you getting married?"

The innocent yet so significant question made you choke on your own spit. It was unexpected for a child to not gag at the idea of intimacy and love, let alone one questioning your marital status.

"Why are you asking something like that?" You carefully dodge the question, given that you have little to no experience with any sort of romance, the closest to love was an eternity ago. Despite graduating from college already, nothing about that had changed.

"Well." He begins explaining himself. "Mama and papa met each other in high school, they got married when they were younger than you." Unlike you, your sibling had a quite successful love life, already married and with a child. The fact that they were even high school sweethearts seemed to only accentuate your sorrowful envy.

"Your parents were lucky. Not everyone gets to meet the person they love forever in high school. Even if they do not everyone ends up marrying them." It was a difficult approach. You wanted him to fully understand the possible outcomes of love but didn't want him to avoid it entirely. "Love is dumb luck. Sadly, not everyone ends up loving someone who loves them back."

"Hmm." He sounds like he's deep in thought, which also surprised you given that he was still young and oblivious to these sorts of discussions. "Were you unlucky? Is that why you're not married?"

The query stung a bit. Not necessarily because it hurt to be reminded of him, but because it wasn't mere misfortune. It was ultimately up to him to act that way.

"Hmm, I guess. Your father got all the luck I suppose." You chuckle, an attempt to conceal that your heart was begging for some sort of closure, even after all this time.

"But that's not fair."

A sigh leaves your lips as you continue. "It isn't. But that's just life."

"What happened to them? Did they not like you?"

"They did at one point. I think. It was pretty obvious but after I liked them back, they became a bad person" It felt so weird. You've bottled up all the memories and emotions, sealing them away from the world, yet with this tiny child you've decided to open up. It's odd, but not uncomfortable.

"They're dumb."

"You can't say that. It's not their fault for not liking me-"

"But you're amazing. You always spend time with me since Mama and Papa are too busy to. You bring back yummy snacks and tell the best stories. You even teach me so many new things. You're the best person ever."

Although misery from the past had been reawakened and nurtured at the topic of the conversation, his kindness seemed to combat that, you can't help but grin.

"I'm glad you appreciate that."

"You deserve better!"

That makes your breath hitch up, a weird, indescribable sensation accumulates in your chest, and for the first time in a while your eyes begin to prickle.

You blink away the sensation. Three, simple words uttered by a literal child, yet it seems to affect you so much to the point you're moved to tears.

Because no one ever told you that.

No accusations of you being delusional and crazy. No sort of discomfort inflicted through others attempting to make it public.

It was what you've been waiting to hear for so long.

"Thanks bud. Keep this a secret from everyone else, yeah?" You come to a stop at a red light, turning towards him with a grateful smile.

He mimes zipping his lips. "Of course!"

"I know everyone's asking about me getting married, but it won't happen."

"Why?"

"Because." Because you feel undeserving of it. Because you're terrified of being abandoned like that again. Because you're simply just scared. "Because it just won't. I'd rather focus on making sure you and your parents are happy."

"Am I supposed to do that when I'm older?"

"Maybe not to my level. Make sure you treasure your family, but your lover too." Now that piece of advice makes you wonder what it'd be like if you got lucky.

"I don't want to get married even if I'm lucky. I want to be cool like you and take care of family too."

"Then do that. But don't close off your heart completely. Your dad didn’t think of love when he was a kid, look at him now. But it's completely okay if you don't love anyone." Obviously, you'd support him no matter what, but a part of you desperately wished that he'd be lucky enough to never experience what you did.

He nods but changes the topic. "What about you? You seemed happy when you talked about that person. A different kind of happy."

What was that supposed to mean?

"It's just nostalgia."

"That's a hard word. What does it mean?"

"You'll learn when you're older. Promise." And with that you dodge the topic of love, adjusting the conversation to one about the new Doraemon episode he watched the other day.

"Holy shit Ness look at how good they are at this."

"Fucking useless."

"Please help me with trig, I'm begging you. Really? Thank you so much."

"That's such a bitch move. Class average was so low, yet they're still scared of showing their high B. Fucking pussy."

"I love you."

Fuck.

Another nightmare. It's only a mess of his words, both the good and the bad; followed by overwhelming dread and fear swallowing you. A wave of relentless cold engulfing you and drowning you in the depths of torment.

The dream leaves you drenched in sweat and panting. It doesn't fucking make sense. It's been years, you were only kids and now you're an adult. Yet it still leaves you so affected. You don't even clearly remember what he looked like. Only the cerulean orbs and the blonde wolf cut.

Most people brush off any sort of heartbreak in high school as trivial and temporary, yet yours has clung onto your heart so persistently, that it still constantly haunts you.

Nothing's working. Attempting to date others only accentuated your paranoia and abandonment issues. Trying to open up to trusted ones caused the words to get stuck in your throat, to the point it feels suffocating. You even wrote an entire book about it; sure, it was effective in expressing yourself and it was a huge hit and profitable, but something deep down still hurts.

You keep trying and trying, heart craving for closure. But the only way you'd satisfy that miserable desire is through meeting him.

Only you know that so damn well.

Maybe that's why you keep fiercely trying. It's your own way of hopelessly trying to escape him.

But it's futile. It's so draining.

It doesn't matter though. It should stop soon. It's such a stupid thing to be sad over. You're successful, a now bestselling author known for your beauteous expression of love and hurt, while still working as a psychologist. You've achieved something majority of people couldn't do, and you're seeing the fruits of diligence and hard work. But it still hurts.

You do your best to shrug off this sense of dread, focusing on what's important.

"Thank you for today!"

Your nephew wore his signature grin, one that was adorable and so full of joy. It was almost impossible to not smile back at him.

With the commencement of school holiday, you decided to take him to a nearby soccer match, France vs Germany. You didn't know anything about soccer, but he loves the sport, constantly practicing and rambling about Julian Loki (a.k.a. his favourite player of all time) You got extremely lucky, if it weren't for Yoichi and his connections to the JFA you wouldn't've been able to surprise your nephew. Yoichi wasn't prepared to see you constantly thank him ("You're my closest friend, your nephew's a good kid too. Lemme coach him some day!"). He even managed to get you three VIP seats.

"Yocchan, how do I win more? I want to shoot the most goals in my team!"

You passively listen to Yoichi's advice for your nephew, as you can't understand or contribute to the conversation much. It's impressive how people play with this many people watching. The whole stadium was flooded with people, except for the VIP section but that was purely due to how expensive it was.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I welcome you to France vs Germany!" The commentator booms, earning a cheer from everyone. You expected it to be loud, but not to the point you think your eardrums would burst.

The event went on normally. Player names were read out, with an energetic screech from your nephew when it was Loki's turn. At this point in time, you were pretty laid back, given that you recognized no one.

"Aaaaand Germany's ace and forward, Michael Kaiser!"

You froze.

Michael Kaiser, the Michael Kaiser from back then?

Finally, you have a vivid image of what he looks like. His blonde hair was partially dyed blue, the pretty shade slowly fading out, and navy roses decorated his neck. Red eyeliner adorned his almost feline like eyes. He looks almost unrecognizable yet he's still the boy who had a crush on you.

Suddenly, VIP seats weren't so tempting anymore. Suddenly, you want to drag yourself out of there and ask Yoichi to supervise your nephew.

But he still looks beautiful.

"I hate that bitch." Same Yoichi, same, you silently agree with him. "He's insufferable and a fucking prick."

"Language." Although you'd agree with him, it was a bit too early for your nephew to start speaking like Yoichi (though you wouldn’t mind him learning how to verbally defend himself from Yoichi).

It's only 90 minutes. There's over 20,000 people. Kaiser won't notice. Besides, high school was years ago. He's a professional player and seemingly a famous one, he would've met plenty of players and coaches, too many to even remember your existence.

You suck up your fear, the three of you cheering on Loki.

"Do you think I can be like Loki?"

The game concluded, and to your nephew's joy with France's win, 3 - 2. To be honest, you were still clueless about the sport, but you could at least tell Loki lived up to his name, rapidly scoring and leaving his opponents in the dust.

"Of course, you could be better than him!" You appreciate Isagi's support but that probably wasn't the right thing to say in an environment full of soccer fans. Nor the smartest.

"I'm going to head to the bathroom, I'll meet you outside." You hurry away, ready to get out of the stadium.

You were being too paranoid earlier, obviously nothing would happen. To a national athlete like him, someone he hurt all the way back in high school, someone who he entirely ignored for a few years too.

"Fucking found you."

As if the universe was transpiring against you once more, you're dragged into some unknown corridor, a hand silencing you.

It's him.

Michael Kaiser, now a full-grown adult. His high school popularity bloomed into real world fame and glory now. While your success had sprouted from seeds of hurt.

Now you're pressed up against a wall by him again. This time with his arms having an iron grip on your shoulders, roughly pushing you against the wall.

You can't help but reflect on last time something like this happened. But instead of childish affection it’s aggressive and rough, with his aquamarine eyes clouded with something unreadable. That wasn't particularly new, but what changed was that the foreign but hostile glint flickering in them.

All Kaiser does is stare, hair messy from the match and breathing unstable.

You don't say anything either, you can't even think properly, let alone find the right words to say.

"I've waited for this for so fucking long. You're too distracting."

His arms wrap around you, tightly, as if his life depended on it.

You can't move. Your body won't let you. It's not like you were petrified with fear. It was more so all the conflict of emotions. You weren't sure if you wanted to reciprocate the hug, scream for help, or spit in his face and swear at him.

"Kaiser... Please let go."

He abides, partially, changing back to his original position of holding you against the wall.

"No."

"Please?”

" You always fight back when you're uncomfortable." He wasn't wrong, you didn't exactly hate being in his proximity. You hated how he treated you, and how he's suddenly here again.

"You don’t mind this, right?”

Despite his words, his releases you, allowing you to run away whenever.

But you don't.

Because even though it'd be smarter to run away and never see him again, the tiny hope within you is still pleading for closure, and Kaiser himself.

"Kaiser, I can't, my nephew-"

"Is with Yoichi." Kaiser brings his face a lot closer to yours. "If you wanted to run away, you would've already."

Both of you remain silent, as your cheeks heat up at his touch and presence. His hands reach towards your face to caress your cheeks, the roughness of his calloused hands contrasting your soft skin. Annoyingly, you whimper at the unfamiliar sensation. It earns a cocky smirk from him.

"Cute, you really haven't changed."

"I don’t want to see you."

"Why? We both know you would've already kicked and slapped me if you really hated me."

"Because" Because he scarred you beyond words. "Because you hurt me. A lot." Your voice cracks up at the end, he's the one person you didn't want to be vulnerable around, both before and after heartbreak.

For the first time in forever, there's something vaguely readable in his eyes. Was that regret? Sorrow? Guilt? Empathy, even?

"I know, I could tell-"

"Then why did you do it?"

You've given up on sounding stoic, evident anger was displayed in your voice.

"I tried everything, dating other people. Yet you still haunt me to this day." Years of accumulated feelings were finally released. "Just when I finally figured out, I liked you, you fucking did that then, and then." The rest is cut off by him.

"... You liked me back...?" There's a significant shift in his tone, from cocky and confident to vulnerable and shocked. "You, liked me...?"

"Of course I fucking did Michael." A quiet gasp leaves his lips at the sound of you finally using his first name again. "You were so sweet and was always there no matter what, until you decided to hate me for no reason."

"No, I've never hated you-"

"Just stop lying. Please. First you lie about loving me and now-"

He swallows the rest of your words with a kiss, denying your claim. The kiss gives you butterflies, your cheeks heat up even more and his lips taste you and him; sweet and irresistible.

When he's done his face is flushed as well, lips swollen. His chest rises up and down, he seems more flustered from the kiss rather than the actual match itself.

It's back to the uncomfortable silence, his hands gripping your shoulders tight and various emotions clouding your mind and heart.

Without a word, Kaiser just leaves.

The action evokes a nostalgic yet dreaded emotion, it's just like how he initiates whatever he wants without considering anyone else.

You swallow your hurt, leaving the hallway and finding Yoichi and your nephew.

You don't lie to your loved ones. You’d rather die than deceive your nephew or your best friend Yoichi. But tonight, was an exception.

It's not like you wanted to make Yoichi baby sit your nephew ("Sorry, work suddenly called me in), but you were too hurt to spend time with anyone.

The bar's loud, all the noise drowns out your thoughts, as you're up to the nth bottle of alcohol, no one was keeping track.

It's out of character for you to drink so much, but the state of being disconnected from the world, not having to deal with any worries was irresistible.

"You're drinking a lot." A stranger seated next to you comments, you don't bother questioning who they were.

"I desherve it." You slur out, evidently flat out wasted. "I hate men! Especially the German ones." A few glares were probably received after you said that.

"Why's that?" Their calm tone juxtaposed your upset and livid one.

"Because, because, this bitch leaves me heartbroken for years, appears out of nowhere, kisses me and." You're cut off by a hiccup. "Disappears again! I, I-" You're a complete mess, hiccupping while chugging down alcohol, and now sobbing with tears messing up your expression.

The stranger doesn't respond, taking a quick sip from his own glass.

"Did you know," You begin explaining, despite them not asking. "I did so much. I never wanted to date much but I tried to so I could forget him. I even went to a party, and I'm scared of those. Heck, I wrote a whole ass book! At least I can monetize my pain."

"You must hate this guy."

"Beyond words, he's the reason why I think everyone will leave me, but I still feel like I have some kind of hope. If you want to know more, you should read my book." Now you were self-promoting, but the alcohol diminishes your shame. At this point it wouldn't be surprising if people were concerned about how much you've drank. "There's no point of a stupid psychology honours degree if I can't fix myself."

All they do is chuckle, still calm. "I'll read it, and I'm sure he likes you back if he kissed you. There's nothing about you to fix."

You burst into laughter; you sound borderline manic. "That's what I thought after he said he loved me." Another glass, swallowed down by you with ease.

"After all, there's no way the Michael Kaiser would actually love me."

The next morning you wake up, with a splitting headache and swollen eyes.

You try to get up and get started with the day, but the lights are so blinding, only amplifying the splitting headache.

How much did you drink?

Now you start remembering last night, the (probably) unhealthy amount you drank, your inconsolable bawling and that mysterious yet kind stranger. Your immediate reaction is to grab your pillow with plans of screaming into it, out of embarrassment, praying that you'll never meet that person again and that they'll forget who you are.

Wait.

Since when were your pillow cases white?

And where did your bookcase go? What about the drawings from your nephew and childhood you cherished and decorated your room with? And what happened to your clothes, since when did you own white robes?

Shit.

"Finally awake?"

Your eyes have finally adjusted to the light, and blinding white melts into something, no, someone.

Kaiser.

He's seated at the end of the bed, white robe matches yours, with his exposing his toned and muscular chest, and the navy roses blooming on his neck.

What the hell happened.

It's as if your fight or flight response was triggered, and your brain decided on flight with full confidence, you scurry backwards, avoiding him like the plague.

"Did we-?" The new and completely different outfit and waking up in his bed were obvious hints.

He blinks.

There's no fucking way.

"Did you at least use protection? If I get fucking chlamydia because of you, I'll ki-"

Kaiser laughs. So hard that it sounds like he can barely breathe.

"I didn't say we slept together. The y/n who never understood anything remotely sexual, instantly assuming we went that far." He composes himself, "No, we did not fuck. You were too drunk to consent."

"Then..." Your hands grip at the robe.

"Nothing happened. All I did was give you that to change into"

Alright, now you've confirmed that you don't need to get tested for any STDs or STIs.

"Goodbye then, where's my stuff?" As you try to get up, his hand holds you and your shoulder down, denying your question.

"Don't run away."

It's so ironic for him to tell you that when he stopped talking to you, avoided you, and even went as far as treating you badly. Anyone would want to run away if their first love who had scarred them emotionally randomly reappeared in their lives.

You remind yourself to remain rational, to stay calm and respond maturely, to deescalate the cascading sentiments overwhelming your heart, like a proper, polite, and perceptive adult.

But you don't want to be an adult. Not when it feels exactly like your high school years, ones where you had stayed up late just to innocently fawn over Michael Kaiser. Only for your heart to be a toy, one that he had thrown away and ruined merely because he had enough of playing with it.

You're a scared teenager alone in your room again, fearful of everything, heart closed off to the point not even you could fully comprehend what it was feeling.

You just want to run, to run away from all your problems until they'd give up hunting you down, until they found other prey to pursue, until you could live at peace with your scars.

When people mention 'confronting your fears', most would imagine someone fearless and undisturbed, someone who knows what they're doing. Yet you completely contrast that curated image, a troubled individual who wants to return to how they were before their irremediable suffering.

"Don't give me that crap. You're the one who fucking did that to me."

He's the one who decided to poison you with the suffocating fear of abandonment.

"You never cared for me in any way, why should I bother listening to you now?"

To break your heart was one thing. To do it out of nowhere without explanation after years of captivating affection was another.

Kaiser remains silent, expression still stoic.

"I hate you."

That's what you've told and convinced yourself for so many years, yet something inside of you refused to fall for your self-inflicted dishonestly. The part that miserably prayed that Michael Kaiser would one day go back to the boy who was head over heels for you.

You've managed to forget this torment for years, but all he's doing is ruining it, making it even more difficult to get over him and the indescribable hole in your heart.

But now, it doesn't seem like you're the only hurt one.

By the end of your speech, you're panting, despite only staying still in bed. You still have so much more to say, but you're already in disbelief that you've finally expressed the hardships plaguing you, and to the reason for said burdens.

"Why'd you hurt me?" And it finally happens. Tears. Ones that had hid from the world, cowering at the thought of another witnessing this pathetic vulnerability. “Everything would be so much easier if you never appeared again, but you had to randomly appear again to kiss me, only leave again.”

He finally speaks. Voice equally soft and weak as yours. “I know I did. And I know it wasn’t right. But I never wanted to, I never wanted you to hate me or end up hurt. I’ve always wanted the opposite.” Kaiser shuffles closer, hand inching closer towards yours, not daring enough to hold onto it.

He inhales, deeply, as if this whole ordeal had an emotional toll on him too.

“I didn’t avoid you because I hated you, or wanted you to get hurt. I wasn’t trying to play with your emotions either. I was young and foolish.” For the first time, he’s readable, evident sorrow painting his features. Right now, he was a complete juxtaposition of his image on the field, assertive and lionhearted to now frightened and uncertain.

He’s not done yet. “I’ve always liked you, from the day we started talking. I wanted to love you properly, to take you out on nice dates and to be a boyfriend no one could ever compare to. I was just… scared.” The Michael Kaiser admitting to fear was something new. “Scared of ending up as a disappointing lover or you never reciprocating. I ran away yesterday because I was a coward. But I don’t want to stay as one. I refuse to."

Kaiser continues. “It feels unreal, the idea of you liking me back when you’re so perfect. You’ve always been mature, diligent, and hardworking, your future seemed so bright with how academically proficient you were. At the time I was so unsure of myself and felt so inferior, it doesn’t justify anything I’ve done but I wanted to rather hurt instead of being hurt.”

“You, think I’m perfect…?” It’s such an innocent question. The praise seemed to melt away the resentment accumulated within your heart, and momentarily you forget wanting to leave.

“Of course, I do.” There’s still the same vulnerability in his expression, but this time it’s complemented with a soft smile. “I mean, look at you. You always got the top marks, and you’ve achieved a dream of entering the psychology field. I still love what you wrote about PSTD.”

How did he know that?

“I never mentioned my job.” He still remembers that one piece you wrote, a task that your English teacher had given. You were allowed to write anything you wanted to, and that was the birth of that PTSD essay, which Kaiser had found impressive for the level of detail it had.

“Your books state it.”

And how does he know about those too? You used a pen name for privacy and to avoid any attention to your personal life and loved ones.

“I never mentioned being an author.”

“You certainly did last night. I quote ‘you should read my book’.”

Wait.

A wave of realization crashed over you, the poor individual you complained to about Michael Kaiser was Michael Kaiser himself. Now the memories are flooding in, the declarations of hate, the miserable murmuring, and your stupidly embarrassing behaviour.

But even after recalling all the events and details of that night, you don’t remember providing a title and your pen name. It’s a complete secret, not even Yoichi or your own family know.

“I didn’t tell you the novel name though?”

Kaiser’s now grinning, but there’s still the soft feel to demeanor. “I’m a bit of a fan. ‘Where the Sea and the Horizon Meet’ is my favourite." It’s the book you wrote about him.

“But how did you know I wrote it?” Anyone can write about their tragic first love and the bitter yet beautiful saccharinity it entails. Your pen name didn’t allude to your legal one in any manner, and you dismissed any questions that interviews that attempted to intrude into your personal life.

“Because I instantly knew it was about you, about us. I’d never forget that day, right before English. When wanted to tell you I loved you since it was so pretty that day. I missed bothering you. I missed you.”

He actually remembered?

All this time you had assumed it was a memory that had been sitting at the back of his mind, only to be forgotten so easily after a couple of years.

You don’t say anything. It’s so confusing and overwhelming, the person who hurt you did it out of the fear of hurt, yet still missed you.

“You didn’t forget?”

“No. You were the first and only person I’ve ever loved.”

First… and only too?

You hadn’t shown any signs of auditory hallucinations recently, right?

Even though he himself just said it, it’s still a fever dream to you, unreal and fictitious.

Did you hear that right? You’re the first and only person he’s ever loved; all those touching memories were real, that heartfelt proclamation of love wasn’t fake.

Despite Kaiser’s confession to being in love with you, there was the tiny part of you that was still convinced that you were dreaming; that none of was real.

Because someone who completely destroyed you so long ago shouldn’t be able to waltz back in so easily.

Yet every part of you is begging for him to come back.

You haven’t said anything for a while, only lost in the storm of thoughts while trying to navigate the seas of your emotions.

“Same.” You whisper, you wish you had said something more than a simple agreement, but it’s all you can muster. And it’s true. No one else had been that loving with you. “I don’t hate you. I hate the pain I felt.�� You take back your claim, and he looks like he’s received the best news of his life, relief washing over his features.

“I know, which is why, I would never do again. That’s if, if you’re willing to give me another chance.” He finally has the courage to hold your hand with his own, fingers ghosting over your knuckles. “I want to love you. Again. This time properly, and until I learn how to do perfectly.”

There’s an undeniable fear of you have of vulnerability and love, yet the offer is so tempting.

Is the risk really worth it?

You’ve always depended on logic and rationality to make decisions, and here, it’s clear that trusting someone who hurt you isn’t a smart idea. It’s common sense, but something about him makes you want to oppose your usual ideals; to get hurt over and over again until something works, to finally break down the walls you’ve miserably built, and to expose your heavily guarded heart.

“I love you y/n.”

It doesn’t the possess the same grandeur it did that day, years ago, but it still conveyed the same passion, laced with his true feelings for you.

Only this time, you say it back.

“I love you too… Michael.”

“Am I allowed to kiss you again?”

You permit his request, pressing your lips against his, and it tastes just as saccharine and tempting, but this time it’s now garnished with satisfaction.

“Congratulations on your wedding, Kaiser!”

A smile tugs at his lips as his teammates congratulate him, well pleased with how the event had been turning out so far. His parents were overjoyed about you and the occasion, and everything was running smoothly.

It’s been around three years since you had given him another chance.

You looked flawless, the outfit you chose complemented all your tones (though he’d argue that any colour and shade would’ve looked beautiful on you).

Kaiser couldn’t find the right words to describe how euphoric he felt. The closest to this happiest he’s ever gotten was when you accepted his proposal.

He's relieved and buzzing with a sense of pride. Not the typical, cocky kind, but the kind of proud where he’d be able to happily tell his younger self about all of this, that it all works out in the end, that he eventually makes up for his actions; that he ends up marrying his long time crush.

Everyone was happy, at least, except for one person.

“I can’t fucking believe you’d date and marry this man.”

Kaiser snickers at Yoichi, someone who he’s been competing against constantly and has been his rival for years but is also your best friend.

“I swear, he’s not that bad. But I understand if you’re disappointed.”

“Excuse me, I’m the perfect boyfriend and husband.”

“Oi, did you hear something? Must’ve been a fly. Didn’t expect any here.” Michael’s jaw drops at being ignored by Yoichi.

“Shit, I’ve forgotten the bug repellent, my bad. My mother might’ve brought some.” Michael lets out an exaggerated gasp at the betrayal.

“You guys are so mean.” You and Yoichi grin at his faux pout.

“Well,” Yoichi begins to slip away. “I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone; I’m going to go say hi to Kunigami and Hiori again. Kaiser I’ll kill you if you ever hurt y/n.” He waves a small bye to you before running off.

“Someone seems to trust you a lot.”

“I- “Before Michael can try to defend himself and respond with a witty comment, your nephew interrupts, with his parents following from behind.

“y/n! Congratulations!” He comes running towards you with a bouquet, so big that it was almost the size of him, it’s a miracle how he’s able to carry it. You quickly accept, hoping that it wasn’t a hassle for him to bring it.

“Thank you. How’d you carry these? They’re too big for you.”

“He insisted.” Your bother replies to you, his wife nodding. “He said he wanted to be the ones to give them.”

A hand playfully ruffles his hair. “Thanks bud.” Even after years he still has the same kindness and enthusiasm.

“We’re going to say hi to everyone, are you coming?”

“Can I talk to Michael and y/n more?” They nod, reminding him to be polite and greet everyone afterwards.

“I can’t believe you’re dating the Michael Kaiser though.” Kaiser stands with pride at your nephew’s disbelief, about to make a confident statement until your nephew continues. “You better behave properly, you clown.”

Again, Michael’s jaw drops and the sight has you biting your lip to avoid laughing uncontrollably. Your nephew runs off to his parents, saying that he wants to see his grandparents.

“Since when did he talk like Yoichi?” He nudges you, still shocked at being called a clown again. “He even waited for his parents to go. And he ran off immediately. ”

“No idea, but I like it.”

“Of course, you do…” He takes a few moments to stare at you, dazed by your beauty and seemingly in a trance. “You’re stunning.”

“What’s with that suddenly?”

“It’s not sudden, you’ve always been cute. And pretty. And just perfect in general.”

“Someone’s cheesy.” But your smile is out of control.

“Thank you.”

“For?”

“Giving me a second chance.” The morning you woke up in his hotel room comes to mind, and although you were conflicted on whether to let him back into your life again or not, you don’t regret anything.

“Liebling, I’m truly forever grateful for it.” His hand takes yours, planting a kiss on your knuckles.

Because it’s been amazing with him. From the small yet sweet things like how he'd pay attention to literally everything about you, and remember every time detail about you to his grand proposal by the beach, the one that was located near your high school, the one outside of the window when he first declared he loved you. You adored it all; the connection you and him had that no one else would ever understand, to how the sun sunk into the sea, breathtakingly beautiful. Even the aftermath of arguments because he always refused to deal with them immaturely, knowing the consequences of not doing things right better than anyone else. The mere thought of you crying could bring him down to his knees.

Now, if someone were to ask you about Kaiser you'd end up stumped, thinking of all his actions of love, from always defending you no matter what, even if it's him against the world and the media, to how he constantly teases you (he never shuts up about how you assumed you had slept with him when you woke up in his hotel room.) He's your everything, your boyfriend, lover, your own proof reader and soon to be husband.

Now, you'd describe him as your favourite, someone you adore beyond what words could capture, not even your experience as an author could ever change that.

“I love you, so so much. I would die for you Liebe.” Kaiser eagerly kisses you, and no matter how many times he does you never get sick of how he tasted, or how soft and tender they were.

“I love you too Mihya.” You breathe out, crimson dusted all over your face as you’re panting in between words.

He really wasn’t lying when he said wanted to love you properly.

#blue lock #blue lock x reader #bllk #bllk x reader #michael kaiser angst #michael kaiser #alexis ness #michael kaiser x you #fluff #second chance romance #michael kaiser x reader #michael kaiser x y/n #hurt to comfort #bllk x you #bllk angst #blue lock x y/n #blue lock x you

414 notes · View notes

shepherds-of-haven · 20 days

Note

Hi Lena, for the other races that don’t traditionally have marriage as a thing in their culture, how do they refer to their serious significant other? Is there some kind of equivalent of “husband/wife/spouse/lifemate” to denote that they are exclusive and in a bonded romantic relationship?

Hi anon, assuming you're working off of this post about marriage, pretty much all of the races currently incorporate marriage pretty heavily into their culture, or always did! For Mages who were in lifelong romantic relationships and cohabitated, but didn't get legally married, they simply referred to each other as "their partner" to other people, and that conveyed the gist of it: it was a step up from "lover" and was generally taken as seriously as a spouse, just without the legal frills and formalities, at least back then. Like imagine meeting your 80-year-old professor and his partner, whom he's been with and lived together with and does everything together with for the last 60 years, something like that. Archmage Tangriel referring to Senua as his partner (and not his lover) would have been taken as seriously as if they'd gotten married and was generally understood to be a relationship that was intended to last their lifetimes. So "partner" is pretty much the word they use for that!

As for the Elves, they hardly ever proffer or declare the status of their romantic relationships to anyone, anyway, as it's considered really intrusive to ask outright and generally unnecessary information to just throw out there: if Tallys shows up with MC to a dance, say, Elves aren't generally going to ask, "Who is that?" or "Who are you to Tallys?" and the answer definitely isn't going to be "Oh we live together and are exclusively romantic partners, but we aren't married." If people are curious about it, they're either left to obliquely figure it out for themselves or really circuitously ask someone else who might know. (Yay Elven intricacies! This is why it takes forever to get information with them, but, admittedly, they have the time...) In the rare cases that it does have to come up in conversation, the word for it is gwedhiel, loosely translated as "one whom I have a soul-bond with." Notably, this doesn't necessarily mean exclusive (the idea being that you could have multiple soul-bonds with multiple people throughout your lifetime) but is taken as seriously as referring to them as a husband/wife/spouse!

Hope that all makes sense!

#Shepherds of Haven #worldbuilding #marriage

40 notes · View notes

horizon-verizon · 5 months

Note

HOTD IS ALREADY A VIOLENTLY ANTI BLACK SHOW BUT RACIST PIGS WANT TO HAVE ANOTHER BLACK GIRL SIDELINED IN FAVOR OF AN IRRELEVANT & UNINTERESTING WHITE NON-CHARACTER.

When Aegon III look at Jaehaera, her face, her eyes, I know he saw Aegon II’s face. With Jaehaera, he can’t escape him, he can’t escape his mother’s violent death, he isn’t allowed to think of anything else, he’s forced to revive his olympic trauma over and over again. But with Daenaera, it’s UTTERLY different.

Jaehera dying is the story coming full circle. A greedy and ambitious hand wanting to make his daughter queen started the war but now his line ended by another greedy and ambitious hand who wanted to make his daughter queen. The point is that the Greens didn’t get what they want in the end because someone, one of their supporters, had the exact same mindset as Otto. Karma got to them. The Greens started this entire war to get their blood on the throne and their last chance to get their victory is dashed by one of their own people doing the same thing to them, GRRM is a genius, it’s ABSOLUTELY PERFECT.

Y’all REFUSE to let Rhaenyra have some crubs, it’s so disgusting. The Greens already have their own victory, Aegon II is the one remembered as king and Rhaenyra as an usurper, but he must also have descendants (the Blackfyres I guess) who tries to usurp Rhaenyra’s descendants and grandsons who became kings ??? OUT OF QUESTION, LET IT GO. You cannot have your cake and eat it too.

The Greens started this entire war to get their blood on the throne and their last chance to get their victory is dashed by one of their own people doing the same thing to them

Heavy on this, anon. In fact, let me go back an insert the part about Jaehaera being the green's last botched "chance".

Anon refers to this post I wrote from a person expressing why they thought Jaehaera's death was "narratively irrelevant". And why Daenaera can still be written in without marrying Aegon.

It's true Aegon the Elder is held as one of the kings in the line of monarchs while she is not. That is not bc she usurped Aegon, but because they wanted to discourage the idea and practice of naming women or girls as heirs altogether. It was about female rulership being made into the cause of disaster or conflict, not Rhaenyra necessarily!

I still don't think Rhaenyra is universally remembered as the/a usurper, because by their own vocabulary Rhaenyra can never be a usurper...she was declared heir by the monarch and held as the true heir for years. Gyldayn calls her "Queen" several times and unironically and out of the then-living people's perspective. To be a usurper, you need to violently or unlawfully seize power, which Rhaenyra never ever did. The greens did that.

Once again, Stannis is not a reliable source to judge history, because the man is a walking self-denier and nihilistic user of fear to get his way. In the actual novels, Rhaenyra is thought of a civil conflict more than the direct cause of one through usurpation and "usurpation" itself is never mentioned unless it's Stannis saying so. And yes, Arianne Martell had the right of it, even though she is also using history for her own claims...the difference is that her reading of history and Rhaenyra's position is correct.

The people who want things to be more "equal" or "balanced" bt the greens and the blacks or have the greens have a sort of victory like the blacks just sound really desperate. And for what? For patriarchy to reaffirm itself deeper than ever and more than if Rhaenyra had just been queen?🙄

#asoiaf asks to me #jaehaera targaryen #daenaera velaryon #fire and blood writing #aegon iii #fandom critical #hotd fandom #definitions #usurpation #usurper #fire and blood #westeros succession #westerosi history #character comparison #asoiaf

39 notes · View notes

acourtofthought · 7 months

Note

tell me what you think about this...

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1JyAGtTbgNGCdEb2iMbTtMkbUq66vF91z/view

I love your posts, they are divine.

Thank you so much!!!

What I have to say about the google doc is that they did a nice job putting together their points in the format they did!

But I don't agree with any of it.

Az did get Elain a rose necklace after the many mentions of Elain and roses but I wouldn't say roses are more special to Elain than any other flower just because they're symbolic of her.

It was the tulip fields she wanted to visit in book 1, the tulip bulbs she was talking to Feyre about in ACOTAR and it was those flower fields Nesta reminded us she had wanted to visit in SF.

Roses are kind of the obvious answer on "what to get a girl" when you're getting her something flower related , it's the top most purchased flower on Valentines Day after all.

And roses are used for Elain by the author in the same way that she describes Nesta like a wolf or Lucien like a fox. It's fun imagery and all that but not necessarily how the character would refer to themselves.

Roses are beautiful of course but I don't think it was all that clever of Az to select a rose charm when any one of them could have said "Elain likes flowers so I'll bet she'll like this rose necklace!". Had Az himself been clever enough to think "This charm is perfect for her because of how she is constantly sitting by the sunniest of windows and the charm also needs light to come alive" than he would have earned points for that. Or "Nesta underestimates her inner depth just like it's easy to miss with this charm but it's truth will be revealed just as Elain's will!" Instead it's the reader who draws the comparison, not him.

"Nesta, Elain shall wed for love and beauty, but you my cunning, little queen. You shall wed for conquest."

First off, saying Elain will marry Az because he's the prettiest of the bat boys according to Feyre and Nesta is so superficial I can't believe it's even an argument. And what the sisters think of Az has literally no meaning at all compared to what Elain thinks of Az. Feyre might have thought Az was the most classically beautiful out of Cassian and Az but it was Rhys who was the most beautiful man she'd ever seen. Elain is the "prettiest" of the three sisters but Rhys thought Feyre was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. When the King of Hybern and Amren (a being 15,000 years old) referenced Lucien's attractiveness, I'd say that if Elain married him she'd have no complaints about the hotness of her mate who is made sexier by a scar down his face which is a testament of how he stood up to Amarantha.

Second.....Nesta talks about how her mother would roll over in her grave to find out she'd married an untitled fae male. When Nesta defied her mother and the expectations she forced on her.....why is anyone under the impression Elain would follow through with what her mother thought of her?

The reason Elain's mother thought she'd marry for love and beauty is because her mother didn't think she was capable of anything else. You'd think a true Elain stan would want to prove that she was worth more than marrying someone just because of her or their physical appearance.

Oh, we're romanticizing "polite, BLAND" smiles now?

Az did go a bit still went Elain entered the room in ACOWAR. Then proceeded to look at Mor with hunger and yearning in the novella. Let's compare that to Lucien could barely breathe when he first got a true look at Elain because she was the most beautiful female he'd ever seen........and how Lucien looks at only HER with longing after that.

Feyre did predict Elain would cling to Az for peace and quiet. But since when does a truly happy Elain want just peace and quiet? Certainly not the Elain who personally greeted each guest at the ball, danced with all the important lords sons, who can convince anyone to do anything with a few smiles, who can make friends easily, who stayed up until the wee hours of the morning at the ball surrounded by a circle of friends (flushed and brilliant) when both Feyre and Nesta were over it.

You know what else Feyre predicted? That Amren and Nesta would become fast friends which they did......until they weren't. Amren is not Nesta's found family, Emerie and Gwyn are. So if Feyre got that part wrong.......

In ACOWAR, Elain wanted to go home which was her home in the human lands. If she changed that in SF and called Rhys and Feyre's manor her home because that's been the only real option she's had to call home since being turned fae......why can't that change again in her book?

Nesta didn't find her true home until the book where she ended up with her love interest. Feyre didn't find her true home until the book she accepted her mating bond. Logic stands to reason that Elain will find her true home in her book too.

So I'm supposed to believe that Elain not eating, drinking sleeping or leaving her room for MONTHS until Lucien arrived and demanded they get her outside means nothing but Az who discovered she was a Seer is indicative of true love? Her Seer powers are not a thing that was wrong with her, he guessed the gift she was given. That's like someone giving me a present on Christmas and I shake the box while asking for hints until I figure it out. I'll never, ever, EVER be convinced that Az gave a shit about Elain during her depression considering he was excited to go to the Hewn City rather than stay back to guard Elain at her lowest. Considering he did not once ask Feyre how she was feeling, how she was doing, considering he did not once express concern over her lack of eating, sleeping, drinking, I think it's safe to say him being able to say "you're a seer!" doesn't mean much at all. Rhys was the one to discover Nesta's real power, does that mean he truly loves Nesta?

So I'm to understand that eavesdropping between two people while one is still going through depression and the other is trying for the very first time to reach out through their bond is supposed to be a comfortable situation? It was uncomfortable because Elain and Lucien were forced to sit together while everyone around them was being nosy as fuck. It wasn't a first date or anything but can you imagine trying to have a moment with someone while your two sisters and two others in the household are pretending to be busy while being completely aware they're listening to your every breath?

Feyre only THINKS that maybe Az understood what Elain was going through when she was hearing voices. Just like only Cassian truly understood what Feyre went through after spending years hungry. Does that mean Cassian should be with Feyre instead of Rhys because Rhys never went hungry?

Az has blushed for Elain, Mor, and Nesta in the book. Tharion blushed at Hypaxia. Someone other than Lorcan blushed over something Elide had said. I'm not getting their point.

Of course Elain tells her fucking fiance that having a mate means nothing to her. These are the best arguments they've got? Nesta didn't even want to tell Cassian he was her mate after falling in love and having copious amounts of sex.

Az did say, "what about Elain?". Then just stood there. It was Nesta who stared at him then went running for Elain's tent. And he did say he was getting her back....after Cassian first said he would but couldn't and Nesta laid down the challenge saying no one could make it into his camp. Az does love to prove himself the hero, does he not? Also, Az hid in Feyre's shadows, I'd say she's more responsible for Elain's rescues. Compared to Lucien who was willing to fight his way without power to try to get to the Night Court, the home of the most powerful High Lord ever to live and through Autumn where he knew he had a metaphorical (literal?) bounty on his head.

That was an amazing scene for Elain, was it not? Saving Briar. Saving Az. And something Az never once gave her credit for.

No, Az stayed seated when Eris made mention of Elain. He only exploded when Eris mentioned Mor. I can't believe they're trying to claim Az's anger was "built up".

Yup....CASSIAN offered Elain a knife first, not Az. Glad to know Az just stood by watching someone else do something for Elain first yet again. I guess it's a good thing Mor begged Az, with tears in her eyes, to sit out of battle. Otherwise he wouldn't have bothered offering Elain TT at all.

Her smile did lighten Az's shadows. Just like Az confirming that the shadows tend to vanish around her. Just like they are afraid of the sunlight. Considering he tells us they are his companions....why would he want them to disappear?

Yes....a female always wants to be responsible for making a male think of and being compared to his mother. Super sexy.

OH MY GOD! TRUE LOVE!!!!! She smiled at Az because she appreciated Az making a joke in response to Cassian's comment!!!! Men and women cannot just smile at one another without falling in forever love!!!!!!!!

Yes, so special "I've never participated in one of these" and Az says.......NOTHING. Such exciting conversation!

Az could have been staring at the garden thinking of Elain and her bond with Lucien and how he's jealous of Lucien because why did Lucien get a bond when he didn't. But then he went on to blush at Mor and stare at her with hunger. I don't know....maybe it's just me and my silly little romantic heart but I don't really enjoy a male who is fixated on two women at the same time.

However, if Az was interested in Elain, why did he ask Rhys if he needed to get her a gift than look relieved when Rhys said no?

Did they purposely put the "why not make them mates" under the wrong slide to make it look like it happened later in the series? That was ACOWAR, not ACOFAS. In ACOFAS Feyre tells Elain LUCIEN is a good male and why couldn't she talk to him? She repeats that Lucien is a good male (says nothing of Az) and tells Mor she wants them to be happy. Mor says both Lucien and Elain need time and that they will be happy.

Yes yes, SF. The book where Az gives Elain zero credit for anything, doesn't bother checking on "her", avoids her because HE can't handle her bond, can't admit to Rhys that he's over Mor, can't admit to Rhys that he's not just using Elain for sex, calls her a mistake before talking to Rhys and feels a spark in his chest over another females happiness.

I think I covered it all, right?

#elucien #pro elucien #elain archeron #anti e/riel

42 notes · View notes

sisterofficerlucychen · 4 months

Note

Okay so now that the season is over and the dust has settled… and also to give us all something to do over the hiatus: what are your five favorite chenford scenes/moments from season 6?

aaaaah! this is fifty years later, i'm so sorry. and i also ended up writing an essay? can you tell my two brain cells are chenford 24/7 lmao.

6x02

"Guess you're gonna have to fight him" / “I have to look amazing in a dress tomorrow. Nobody cares what you look like. He's huge. I am not fighting him” / “Let's go"

so much happened in this little bit and it was beautiful (and hilarious) ♡

starting with where they're at as they end up in front of the hammer's apartment — they had just had a fight, tim walked away and called it a night, things were still awkward the next day yet when lucy said she had to go and try to get bailey's ring back tim immediately said he'd go with her. by the time they reach the apartment, it's still kinda awkward~~ but their banter is back and it feels a lot like them.

then the hammer gives them the conditions on how they can get the ring back and alkdfjsldfs 🪦 (i have yet to recover).

tim was so unserious when he turned to her to tell her she would need to fight him when he was the one who insisted on joining her because he knew the chaos that would ensue. the fact that lucy doesn't miss a beat to not only remind him that she needs to look amazing for the wedding and no one cares what he looks like??? 😂 and he doesn't question it???? also, the way they're literally bickering like a married couple and the hammer's just so amused as he waits for an answer lmao (the way this man was gonna go to jail but was so bashful bc he got to fight someone).

but comedy aside, part of why it's such a favorite moment is how it highlights their growth/development. tim didn't even blink when lucy said no and this is the same man who on day two intentionally put her in a fight as punishment for failing a tim test. even thinking back to just a few season like s4 tim and lucy? maybe he wouldn't have made her fight him but he would have given her more shit for it. but tim *heart eyes for lucy chen* bradford? he would never and it has nothing to do with not believing she can hold her own but rather that need to protect her 🥹

honorable mention is how this then gave us the foreshadowing of a proposal because they were unhinged for that but oh my god, yes.

6x10

"Lopez, take the wheel."

not only did we get to see lucy being the absolute badass that we all know and love; but our girl did not hesitate to save our favorite grump's life even though it meant putting her own at risk.

i loved how much of a testament it is to how they always have each other's six and even in the worst of times, there's no exception and no question about it. the moment she saw him in the back of the truck, she was right behind him. the fear and worry in lucy's face as tim was getting stabbed was palpable, she knew his life was in danger and there was no question about her needing to jump in (pun intended) to save him.

what makes this scene so powerful for me and my favorite part of it was the expressions shared between them after they've subdued the guy. they say not a single word and yet the didn't need to, their expressions spoke for them.

lucy's reaction to me felt like her mind was catching up to the past few seconds as if she moved out of instinct, she didn't necessarily have a plan when she jumped onto the truck but rather this innate need to help. tim on the other hand is first hit with relief and then the realization that lucy just saved his life. he looks at her with almost disbelief that despite everything he's done, she still did that. it felt almost like that first inkling of him understanding that as broken and lost as he is, it doesn’t change the way she loves him? i’m gonna reference you because you said it perfectly in this post lol.

6x08

Happy Birthday - Love, Kojo

i think this was my favorite scene this season?????? i don't even know where to begin but just they way it both shows how much they love and miss each other, the way that they're hurting sooo deeply *brb while i go sob over this all over again*.

every single detail in that scene just felt so important — as thoughtful as tim can be, having kojo ‘sign’ a birthday card for lucy and then have him deliver it to her front door feels like it’d be something he’d roll his eyes at and yet there he was because he couldn’t bear with not acknowledging it was her birthday. not only did he get creative but he also did something that was still really special.

then, the entire execution of him delivering the card because tim had to have been waiting once they got home and the fact that he was literally just around the corner. the fact that they both knew they were just a hallway apart???? lucy looking that way too after reading the card 🥺

another thing is how it’s the first little glimpse she gets toward understanding where he’s at? because all she knows is that he decided that she deserved better and he walked away — that’s the only explanation she got, he’s not at a place where he can give her the discussion she deserves so a lot of it is her filling in the blanks. obviously this moment is nowhere close to that but it is this small reminder that he still loves and cares for her, that despite everything he’s still thinking of her. and boy was he - he had multiple reminders for it and it wasn't because he was afraid he was going to forget like this man had things planned, i just know it.

the music choice was also something that i absolutely loved from this scene and the foreshadowing it told. it felt like this beautiful balance of emphasizing the heartbreak they’re dealing with right now while also holding this promise that things will be okay.

6x04

"Come on. Come on. Let's go home."

there’s something about the way these two show up at hospitals for each other that has me so unwell??? we saw it in s5 with lucy and then in this season with tim — that absolute frantic need to get to their bedside asap. what adds to this too for me is the fact that tim shows up with her go bag because it could have been anyone that brought it to her but it was tim (and there’s something so intimate and domestic about it).

the fact that he goes straight to her instead of checking in with grey and how the first thing out of his mouth is something to try and make her crack a smile. his instinct is to try to make her feel better, to ground her and reassure her that he’s at her side. he’s always been the fierce protector and how he shows up for her here is another example of it.

the part that gets me though is once grey and wesley leaves, he tells her it’s time to go home. home. he says it in such a soft and gentle way too 🥹 AND THEN THAT HUG. OH THAT HUG WAS EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6x03

“You could never disappoint me.”

okay i’m gonna make this one short and sweet — the contrast shown here of how lucy’s never been able to live up to her parents expectations versus the unwavering belief tim has in lucy and her potential. she thought she disappointed him bc she placed 17 but nothing she could ever do would disappoint him??? like these are words she's never heard before in her life. this is huge.

also the fact that he remembered she loves trophies???? it was so cute.

#the rookie #chenford #tim bradford #lucy chen #answered #makeitastrength

21 notes · View notes

missskzbiased · 3 months

Text

Okay, I feel prepared to complain about how dirty they did Penelope now. My ted talk will be about ✨Inconsistency✨

So yeah, I'm aware that we are inconsistent in our growth, but I'm also aware that the show wasn't trying to portray that. What we got was another case of "Tell, don't show" (as I'm calling it for now).

The show tells us that Penelope is confident now, that she knows her worth, that she's assertive, that she can stand her ground. She's Mrs.Independent and that's why Colin and us should love her (Ne-yo reference intended). But I honestly didn't see it. I saw people saying she was, and that was it.

My guess is that we don't see it because that's not what a Lawful-Good Female Lead is supposed to be. She's either badass and knows all and fight bad guys or she's a crystal. And they said they had to go for the second, because our female characters can do no bad even when they're doing bad.

Let me break it first: I love Penelope. This doesn't mean I can't see she's a little shit SHUAHUSAHUSHUAHUASHUSA. I love that for her. It's in alignment with her character. She's neglected, she got power, she's young, and she abuses her power. That's perfectly fine, this leaves room for character growth if we face it as it is: A flaw.

"Missy, she only did everything that she did out of concern for those who love"

I'm sorry, but no, darling. No. Penelope literally said to Marina "Anyone but him". If it wasn't Colin, and if she didn't have feelings for him, Penelope wouldn't have said anything as LW, she would let Marina trap someone else. She's loyal, but it doesn't mean she's good necessarily. And when she hurts those who she cares for, who she'd like to be loyal for, she cries, which means there is something we want to improve, right?

So here, we get it: Penelope is a flawed character that has to grow.

Amazing. Now, how do we do this? We have to make her confident, to see her worth, to see Whistledown as it is: a powerful weapon that should be used wisely.

We do not do this by telling the audience that now she's all that. We show the audience that she's all that. But that's not what happens.

Regarding the Featheringtons, I'd say that yeah, we see this. We go from Penelope smugness by being courted by a Lord or not asking permission to marry Colin to Penelope caring and relating to her family. That's great. I think it's the reason why we see so many people enjoying the Featherington side plot this season, including myself. Penelope goes from trying to overpower her family to matching them, and that's great to see.

Now, when we talk about the Bridgertons, that's not what we see.

First, we have Eloise pushing her to confess everything. She says that if he doesn't know her entirely, he can't love her. And Penelope buys it. She's insecure, she can't fathom Colin loving her, she has to ask "Are you sure?" when he says he does. Okay, so this is perfectly in character at this point. It's understandable.

Then, we have Eloise telling her that she can't tell Colin anything, that she can't say Cressida isn't LW, that she can't be both a Bridgerton and LW. At this point, Penelope was determined to tell Colin about her identity, she was just looking for the right time. But once Eloise asks her not to, she gives up. She not only gives up on being LW, she gives up on not letting Cressida, someone who she hates and did her wrong, take the credit. Eloise also says something quite important here "This is just gossip". At this point, Penelope might believe her, or at least not have the presence of mind to disagree.

Okay, so up until now, we only see Penelope bending her wishes and dreams because of the Bridgertons. Still in character, I guess. She didn't acknowledge LW as what it truly is at this point: Power that can be used wisely. Perhaps, as everyone demonizes LW, Penelope also sees it as something to be guilty about, not proud. Or perhaps, she isn't as confident as she thinks she is, and she can't be proud of what she did if no one else is validating it. Still in character. Great.

But then, Eloise freaks out and Penelope goes "I'll publish again and save your family. Whistledown isn't just gossip, it's power". Here, we have her publishing important thinks, some kind of redemption. Here, we can say that Penelope is proud of what she can do, that she understands the importance of what she's doing. That she's assertive and confident, even if what triggers it is the need to help someone else, not herself. Okay, it's a good start to change.

At the wedding, we have her going "Colin, LW is me, and I won't give up on myself". GREAT. That's what we want to see. Here, Penelope's agency is not determined by what the Bridgertons want/expect from her anymore. Or at least, that should be the case.

But we don't see this anymore.

We see her struggling in her marriage. A LOT. We see all the guilt, all the regret, all the challenges. We see her being silenced by Colin, Eloise and her mother once they want to help her. We see her being mistreated AND WE DON'T SEE HER DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT. WE SEE HER ACCEPTING IT.

Eloise begged her to save her family. Penelope did. She got in trouble with her fiancee because of it. And all Eloise has to say is "Well, thank you for your service, I guess. It's a shame I can't meddle with your relationship, you'll have to figure it out by yourself, we're not friends anymore, remember?". And all Penelope says is "No, yeah, I completely understand your standing".

No, Penelope. You don't. You shouldn't. You should be mad because your said-friend betrayed you and turned back to your just to turn her back to you later. You shouldn't be this understanding. Penelope reacts when she's hurt by her family. Penelope is assertive when the writers want her to be. She's honest. She's proud of herself. Why can't she say anything at this point? Guilt? Guilt isn't a good excuse at this point anymore. She's once more doing what the Bridgertons want/expect her to do. This isn't growth.

Then, Colin proceeds to be an ass to her (JUSTIFIED BY HIS CHARACTER AND WHAT HE'S GOING THROUGH. BUT HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE HURTING. PENELOPE IS HURT BY HIS ACTIONS, AND SHE'S ALONE NOW CUZ SHE HAS NO FRIEND AND NO LOVER AND SHE'S STILL GROWING IN HER FAMILY HERE). The point is: Colin does everything he wants to do, he tells her she manipulated him, he tells her she's foolish, he tells her he can't accept her, he says "Not up to you to decide your own life" and makes things worse. He does everything bad, he doesn't show her in any kind of way that he loves her despite their problems, and she still doesn't say anything.

I wanted to see Penelope throwing a tantrum. I wanted to see her going "Excuse me?! My life is up to me, I think I should have the right to talk too" once he shuts her up. I wanted to see her storming out, or fighting or anything, really. All we got was seeing her taking hit after hit and not hitting back. And I don't think that's growth. I'm not saying that she needed to be an ass like Colin, but she NEEDED TO SAY SOMETHING FOR HERSELF. And she didn't. So it felt REALLY unbalanced. And it wasn't consistent to the point the got her in character development either.

And then we have that speech. But at this point, it's so tiring seeing her doing nothing about herself, that I don't buy it. She looks nervous, and the speech isn't really delivered in an impactful way (not because of Nicola, but because they're telling us what they want us to believe, but that's not what I'm seeing, so it doesn't hit me). And we get Colin confessing to her. And all is well. And that's it.

I felt like they promised me a good character development and got me a Female Lead with no flaws but being different than other girls and too good to this world to do anything wrong while doing everything wrong. It was a waste of potential.

#mindless rambles #ranting #polin #bridgerton #bridgerton s3 #my 2 cents about Penelope now #Once again nobody wants to know #But I'm shouting to the void

18 notes · View notes

dionysism · 2 months

Note

do u want to rant abt theseus or any greek hero with various perceptions here ??

why yes! i certainly do!

okay theseus. this is my personal thoughts on him and it's not all based in mythos (some is but i definitely derail from it a bit with him i just Love to spin him around in my brain) and some of it does happen to line up with how the hades game characterized him which is funny and so personally catering to me but i'm not necessarily referring to his hades counterpart. but you could certainly read it in relation to him if you wanted!

i think theseus is really interesting and part of this comes from him having varying mythos from various accounts that all have their own take on him. some are sympathetic towards him (forced by dionysus to leave ariadne behind & he was so distraught that's what caused him to forget to change his sails) while others paint him in a less kind light (he just ditched her) and sometimes he's kind of stupid (going into the underworld with his best friend thinking they could capture persephone for the best friend to marry) and yet he's also very clever (out-witting and reversering the tatics onto his enemies in his six labors) so he's really fun to play with as a character because there's a lot you can do with him without really being "wrong" because it just depends on what you're pulling from & he has a lot. someone else mentioned it before in my tags and it's something i also find neat about him and it's that he's there for other hereos at their lowest (when herakles kills megara & the kids and his kindness to oedipus when everyone else is afraid his mere presence will curse them by proxy)

an interpretation of him i've always had (and i say interpretation because there isn't really anything that says theseus' confidence is a front in antiquity) is that he is secretly insecure and just overcompensates by acting very confident. and it's not to say that his insecurity has any real basis, with the six labors, the minotaur, divine parentage and so forth, he obviously is very successful and a great warrior. but you know. he had to earn it. he grew up in his mother's village and it wasn't until he moved the rock and claimed his father's sword & sandals and went to athens that he got his birth right. and his dad almost let him get poisoned until he recognized said sandals and sword 😭 and not long after that off to serve the city and slay the minotaur and it's like this post which is more about hades theseus but a good point and relevant he is the savior (and in many ways the mascot) of athens and poseidon is his parent too and i feel like all together this could add up to an extreme unwillingness to ever fail at anything ever. for god child theseus to fail is for athens to fail, and, you wouldn't want athens to fail, would you? of course not. i mean even the six labors. he didn't have to do that. he could have gone the quick & safe route by sea, and i mean yeah, obviously he didn't because this is greek mythology and there's no myth if he takes the easy path but it's also interesting to think about in the light of him needing to prove himself. and also, i think, he's a bit of an adrenaline junkie. like really enjoys the thrill of battle. maybe a little too much. like he's kind of a freak. i imagine a variation of him where the minotaur fight, with his bare hands (my fav depiction) was the most exciting experience of his life & he genuinely enjoyed the fight.

and him and ariadne. oh i love all kinds of varying takes and accounts and interpretations of them. theseus and ariadne are so fun. i mean really, any way you spin it (spin it.. like thread..). deceitful cunning theseus who feigns love for aid and leaves her behind once he gets what he needed. and yet, even then, he still took her with him. could've left her there in crete to face her treachery, if he cared so little, but he allowed her to flee with him. interesting! or perhaps, no, he did love her, perhaps more than anyone ever again, but a god had set his sights on her and so theseus had to let her go. and so stricken with grief was he that he forgot to change his sails, and well, how fitting, because he said he would change them if he was victorious, and was he? or even a ulysses dies at dawn type spin on them: neither of them care for the other at all! her using him purely as pr, "look how i've aided the hero in slaying the monster! and we're going to get married!" and him, "why, yes, of course i love you, and of course everyone will know we did it together!" only to spin around, take all the credit, and scorn her. (if you can't tell from my other posts i love udad theseus & ariadne lol) there's even one account he forgot her on naxos totally on accident and by the time he got back dionysus had already married her. which is just so?:$/?/ how do you forget to pack your fiancé 😭😭 i also like a take where he did love her, yes, but going back to that insecurity and unwillingness to fail i think he would be the type of person that would overthink things, assume you're going to leave him, and immediate respond by trying to save face and pride by leaving you first. i could see him on naxos in a moment of weakness and doubt thinking love gives her too much power over him and leaving her before she could hurt him. which, had they worked out, i don't think she ever would have. but i do like her with dionysus better anyway :P but ultimately no matter the variation i do believe theseus loved ariadne. even when he left her without divine influence, even in variations where it's despite himself. but i don't think they were meant to be.

and phaedra, oh god. he really did love phaedra. "how I long for it! long to lie dead. robbed as i am of the world of your love. your death is my death." & "you left me, you left, beloved one, finest of women seen by the light of the sun, or the starfaced night." (anne carson hippolytus trans) like i'm actually sick... robbed as i am of the world of your love are you kidding me. i think theseus is capable of so much love despite how many people think he's an asshole of a character. and i won't argue that he isn't also an asshole. because i mean yeah. but the love is there and i think you should know the love is there! theseus and phaedra. theseus "stain my clothes with the blood of your children i don't care i'm your friend." (paraphrased anne carson's herakles trans) theseus "never, i tell you, i will never shrink from a stranger, lost as you are now, or fail to lend a hand and save a life." (fagles oedipus at colonus trans) theseus "hateful to me is a gratitude that grows old. a friend who enjoys your prosperity but refuses to sail with your grief." (anne carson herakles trans) i mean i just. god. he's such a character to me.

but yeah tl:dr the theseus in my brain is a kind of insecure, overcompensating with over confidence, borderline adrenaline junkie that's ever endlessly proving he is The Great Theseus they all perceive him to be and gripping to this perception like a life line. if i am not the greatest i am nothing etc etc you get me. i think he can be selfish & an asshole but he is also full of love and proves this in how hes shown with phaedra, herakles, oedipus and, depending on your variation, ariadne. and again i definitely stray a little from mythos with my perception of him but it has its roots

& since you said "or any greek hero" i was also going to prattle off about my fav of all favs, odysseus, but this was wayyyyy longer than i intended it to be so i think i'm just gonna let theseus have this one for himself 😭

#asks #theseus #perse yapping

14 notes · View notes

darklinaforever · 7 months

Text

People who talk all the time about grooming for Daemyra : Learn that to groom someone you have to dedicate time to them. A lot of time and isolating him from others.

In the book, Daemon certainly spoiled Rhaenyra with gifts when she was little and gave her attention when he saw her, but like an uncle to his niece, nothing more. He literally spent the rest of his time traveling, fulfilling his duties and frequenting Mysaria at the time. Then, he was exiled for 7 years, and therefore did not see Rhaneyra grow up. He then returned when she was 14, a young woman literally old enough to get engaged, or even married for the time of Westeros, and she certainly had other suitors. In such a context, Daemon simply wooed Rhaenyra as any other man could have done. I will also add that apart from their dragon flying sessions. Rhaenyra was necessarily accompanied by her followers during the activities she did with her uncle. Daemon therefore did not isolate Rhaenyra. He actually even kept her good company when she was already isolated in a way because of her mother-in-law Alicent. And no, Daemon did not necessarily have sex with Rhaenyra as both sources may suggest. I still remind you that the first comes from a chronic sex addict and the second from a supporter of the Greens, Greens who were already inventing rumors about Rhaenyra's sex life at the time. The only thing we can really be sure of is simply that Daemon courted Rhaenyra 6 months before asking Viserys for her hand.

As for the show version, Daemon's gift doesn't have any indication of grooming either. It's quite simply a gift (certainly very significant) given to his niece whom he obviously loves enormously, in the same way that he loves his brother very much, as demonstrated in this first episode. We see that he has quite good connections with both of them, although visibly different. Then, it's probably a nod to the fact that Daemon actually gave gifts to Rhaenyra in the book, which I remind you had nothing to do with grooming. It is also stated that Daemon is not very close to the court and that it has been ages since Rhaenyra has seen him. Daemon is also shown to be uncomfortable at the court and avoids the place. We can certainly see that Rhaenyra seems to have feelings for Daemon, but it's difficult to say if it's mutual here. Either he feels the same thing unconsciously before understanding in episode 2 after Rhaenyra's badass demonstration on the bridge at Dragonstone, or not yet and starts to develop an interest in her in episode 2, again after her demonstration badass on the bridge at Dragonstone. The scene where Mysaria proposes to him with silver-haired girls may as well be a reference to his feelings for Rhaenyra, as well as the simple fact that his type of woman is more broadly women with Valyrian features. Or why even both. Mysaria also has traits of Valyrian women in the book, unlike the show. In any case, nothing happens and Daemon does not seem to have any approach to Rhaenyra in episode 1. Once again the grooming would be absurd in view of the little time he spends at court and Rhaneyra does not I don't see him often. Obviously, he also hangs out with Mysaria in this version. Then he goes to war for 3 years (and returned to court after 4 years, so I don't know what he really spent the 4th year on after finishing the war). And when he finally returns, Rhaenyra is 19 years old. Major by our standards and those of Westeros. Daemon does not isolate Rhaenyra either since the writers chose to make her a natural loner who has no friends apart from Alicent, which is ridiculous, in addition to depriving her of her followers from the book of which Harwin's sisters were normally part of it. Daemyra then have a little chat together in the afternoon, then spend a single evening together, before being separated again, and where certainly a little manipulation is present (without however being able to be described as grooming) of the part of Daemon but which clearly does not result in his intended plan.

So you will agree, with all this information, that all this is a bit tight in terms of time for a man who had big grooming plans for his niece!? Whether in the book or the show ?! Besides, in the show it's even more absurd since nothing happens until Rhaenyra is 19 !

I will add that it is not really surprising, or even basic evidence of grooming, that Rhaenyra could have feelings for her uncle. I remind you that the Targaryens are literally an incestuous family. Rhaenyra's parents are cousins and her grandparents were siblings. To think that Rhaenyra only has feelings for Daemon because he allegedly subjected her to extensive imaginary grooming, instead of her simply developing it naturally because he is a handsome man gifted in many things offering her affections and attentions when it is present, is quite ridiculous. Especially since beyond the Targaryens, the society of Westeros itself practices marriage between cousins and uncles and nieces / aunts and nephews. Only marriage between brother and sister is reserved exclusively for Targaryens. So it's really no surprise that Rhaenyra could fall in love with Daemon in such a societal setting. There is no taboo on such a relationship, so she does not feel it as such.

I also remind you that the Targaryens, fictional beings with magical blood, do not suffer of the genetic aspect of incest that we, simple normal and very real humans, can suffer. (A bit like the Greek gods if we want to compare)

I will add that it also undermines Rhaenyra's agency to boil down her relationship with Daemon to grooming. Instead of accepting and understanding that it was a consensual relationship on the part of Rhaenyra who wanted to choose Daemon for herself as her husband, a very strong approach, we prefer to give her the role of poor victim. Already because it's common to want to undermine women's agency even in our modern age (GRRM won't like you much for that), and also to reassure your puritanical morality and your modern vision or you tell yourself that it's is impossible that an incestuous relationship can be consensual and not really toxic (I'm talking about Fire and Blood for the toxic aspect, not HOTD). You seek to impose a modern vision on a historical context where it therefore has no place to truly judge the state of a relationship of this magnitude. And I repeat, this is a serious mistake. Not to mention the whole age difference thing. Let me be clear, when it comes to an arranged marriage in a setting similar to Westeros, most people don't bat an eyelid, because it's "normal for the times." This is what you tell yourself. But my god, what if the relationship had the misfortune of being consensual ? AND BY THE WOMAN TOO ?! NO ! IT’S DEFINITELY GROOMING TOO ! The woman can't have a choice in this matter, don't you understand ?!

Coming back to the simple fact that Rhaenyra was abused, I would say yes. But no Daemon. Rhaenyra was abused for years by Alicent Hightower, and then her son Aegon II, more widely by the Greens faction for almost her entire life from the moment she was named heir. Check this out if you love Rhaenyra and want to defend her from abusers. Because Daemon is the wrong target. (And yes, in fact Daemon did not abuse Rhaenyra in the show apart from this occ strangling scene. Alicent and Otto remain the ones who really harmed her and who abused her over the years. On the other hand in the book, I support it, there is really nothing toxic about Daemyra. It's a relationship that may simply seem problematic to a modern eye, except that once again, it should not be seen with a modern eye !) And honestly, if you want a relationship that's close to grooming, why is everyone forgetting Criston Cole ? Criston Cole, who in the book crowned Rhaenyra as beauty queen at age 7, became her personal guard, watched her grow up before apparently proposing to marry her and running away with him once she was old enough, and after she said no to him, spent the rest of her miserable existence rotting her ? No really ? Is there no one to report Criston Cole this time ? And in the show ? Why for the antis Daemyra, Rhaenyra is a victim of Daemon in episode 4, but fully in control of herself and for some downright rapist when it comes to Criston Cole whom she has known since she was a minor and who spent 4 years by his side since episode 2 ? Not to mention that we haven't really seen how their relationship developed between the time jumps, but strangely I don't see anyone being offended or bringing out the book to possibly make what we have on screen worse. Same for Harwin, I don't see anyone being offended even though he was a grown man when Rhaenyra was a minor ? And even if we see that he is interested in her during episode 3 where she is supposed to be 18 years old, everyone is offended by the age with Daemon in episode 4 when she is an adult, why so not for Harwin too ? (Be careful, I'm not saying that Harwin is an abuser. Not at all. It's simply to justify the bad faith of the antis) The seriousness of the age difference in a historical context where it has no place only matters when is this Daemon ? Grooming matters more for Daemon too, a man who canonically doesn't spend much time on the court either in the book or the show, in addition to multiple exiles in the book, than for Criston Cole, an adult man who has canonically spent almost all his time with Rhaenyra since he was her personal guard and who crowned her beauty queen at the age of 7... But strangely, the antis never talk about Alicent, the greens team in general, and Criston Cole when it comes to Rhaenyra's abuse. No. Daemon is still the one in charge. The ultimate abuser. You're so tiring and pathetic.

Anyway, I won't respond to grooming bullshit anymore, unless it's with ironic one-liners or gifs. But I don't need to explain a simple truth for the umpteenth time to a bunch of idiots who will never change their minds anyway because they believe they are morally superior. Make sure you send me all your messages. Especially the last person who spent almost the evening sending me the same bullshit over and over 24 hours a day from the antis, acting, as I already said in a previous post, like a parrot. Better yet the person probably proved not to really read my answers, since they literally had the nerve to tell me something that I warned in advance not to tell me by precisely giving the reason why this escuse, already underlined numerous times by antis, was stupid. All while telling myself to “justify it if I can”. Oh but I already did that in one of the answers I gave you darling. Now fuck you antis and avoid coming to my inbox in the future. Either I won't respond to you, I'll delete you, I'll block you, or I'll respond with something very, very ironic that will make you even more angry than my usual messages already seem to do.

42 notes · View notes

samwisethewitch · 1 year

Text

15 Days of Freyja Devotion

Day 6: Relations to Other Gods

This is where it gets... controversial.

So. Keeping in mind that true, pre-Christian Heathenry is not well documented, and keeping in mind that "Heathenry" is an umbrella term for a collection of regional traditions that could and did contradict each other, it's hard to make generalizations about the gods and their relationships to each other. Two seemingly contradictory interpretations can both be supported by textual and archaeological sources, and may in fact have coexisted historically. This becomes especially clear when talking about Freyja's relationships to the other gods. What is presented in this post is my own interpretation based on research and personal experience. Other Heathens may disagree, and that's okay.

As I mentioned on Day 2, Freyja is the daughter of Njord and an unnamed mother and is the sister of Freyr. This, at least, is pretty consistent across all Norse Heathen traditions.

Freyja's husband is called Odr. Some scholars, such as Jackson Crawford, believe that Odr is Odin, and I tend to agree. Odr and Odin seem to be different forms of the same name, and Odr is described as a mad wanderer, which sounds a lot like Odin. There are also places in the Poetic Edda where Freyja seems to be referred to as Odin's wife or lover.

On a more personal note, I experience Freyja and Odin as deities that are very closely connected. There is a lot of overlap in their powers and associations, and they seem to frequently work together. Based on this and the textual evidence, I tend to see Odin and Freyja as partners and spouses.

Freyja is also sometimes said to be the consort of her brother, Freyr. Remember, the Eddas say sibling marriages are a common practice among the Vanir, so this wouldn't have been seen as a taboo, incestuous pairing. I think it's also important to note that while the gods are like humans in some ways, they are also abstract ideas and, in some cases, forces of nature. As siblings and lovers, I see Freyr and Freyja as embodying the male/masculine and female/feminine aspects of fertility. (This makes it even more interesting that they both subvert Norse gender roles in some ways -- for example, Freyr gives up his ability to fight while Freyja revels in warfare.)

I am comfortable saying that both Freyr and Odin are Freyja's partners and lovers. The Old Norse practiced what we would recognize as polyamory or open relationships, so it makes sense that Freyja, like many of the Aesir, would have multiple lovers.

In Old Norse society, marriages were literal legal contracts and were often used to seal alliances and treaties. (In Anglo-Saxon England, which is not Norse but is a related culture, brides were called "Peace Weavers" because of how common these political marriages were.) It makes sense that Freyja, who is important or possibly royal among the Vanir, would be married to Odin, the chief of the Aesir. We know Freyja and her family went to live with the Aesir as peace hostages after a war between the Aesir and the Vanir. A marriage contract between Odin and Freyja would have helped keep war from breaking out again.

I see Freyja's partners as reflecting different sides of her as a goddess. Freyr reflects and complements her associations with sex, fertility, love, beauty, and agriculture. Odin reflects and complements her associations with magic, battle, death, and prophecy. Interestingly, both Odin and Freyr are associated with kingship and were said to have fathered lines of mortal kings, which may hint at some sovereignty aspects for Freyja.

And because I know someone is going to bring it up if I don't: yes, Frigg is also called Odin's wife and is arguably given this title more often than Freyja in the Eddas. Again, because having more than one lover was socially acceptable to the Old Norse, I don't necessarily see this as a contradiction. Maybe Frigg is Odin's wife and Freyja is his concubine. Maybe he was married to both of them at different times, but divorced one and then married the other. Maybe they're a functioning polycule. I don't necessarily need to know the answers to love and respect the gods.

There is a popular academic theory that Frigg and Freyja were originally one goddess, and I do see some truth in it. Talking about this theory would easily double the length of this post, so I'll just link to Jackson Crawford's excellent video on this instead.

I mostly agree with Crawford's conclusion that Frigg and Freyja were originally a single sex-and-queenship-and-motherhood-and-magic goddess who was Odin's wife, and that they had recently split and were in the process of becoming differentiated when the Conversion began. In terms of modern worship, I see them as separate but closely connected goddesses with some shared functions, similar to how I see the three Morrigan sisters in Irish polytheism.

#15 days of freyja devotion #15 days of deity devotion #freyja goddess #freyja #freyja deity #norse heathen #norse heathenry #inclusive heathenry #heathenry #heathen #pagan #paganism #deity work #mine #polyamory

79 notes · View notes

askbensolo · 2 months

Note

There are definitely worse people you could be interested in, that’s for sure haha. Though Ben, there’s something you should seriously think about before you do anything else that might help clear things up. Unfortunately, it requires you to think about *shudders* The Future

Picture yourself down the line. How do you feel if you imagine yourself married/otherwise committed (romo or QPR), in general or to Fannie? What does that look like? Do you want kids or not? How would you feel if Fannie said she did or didn’t want kids? If you do, they’ll likely be Force Sensitive like you two — would you want them to train to be Jedi or not? Her being a Jedi and someone who does social work — it isn’t necessarily always safe. How do you feel about the thought of her getting hurt? How about her traveling for work, potentially leaving you at home, or you traveling with her? What about her connection with the Force? Not to sound like your mother, but Snoke used the Force to groom you essentially — what if he tries to get to you through her? What about family — if both of you keep contact with your families, she’ll be involved in Organa-Solo-Skywalker drama and politics and tabloids, and you’ll have slaves as sisters-in-law and a slaver as a father-in-law. Both of you have trauma and hard pasts — how do you feel about letting her really see yours? How do you feel about really seeing hers?

And what about the boring stuff? How do you feel about doing taxes together, drying dishes, washing the farts out of the bedsheets five, ten, twenty years down the line?

Think about it, man. If you don’t hate the answers to whatever questions you ask yourself, if you think you’ll be happier with the mess than without? Well why not give it a try?

(And again, trust me dude, literally flying solo is great, but if you’re gonna date, dating her would probably work out a LOT better for you than if you date someone else)

Listen. I’m not advocating for pre-alcoholic coping behaviors. All I’m saying is…staring down THIS particular krayt dragon of an ask? Got a WHOLE LOT easier after two shots of the finest Corellian brandy. And when I say “the finest,” I am of course speaking facetiously, because I’m referring to whatever swill that was that Treeso left in the pantry when he moved out. My dad would be so disappointed—but whatever, he ain’t here. Help me, cheap liquor. You’re my only hope.

Mmkay. Come here, Future. Look me in the eyes. I’m not frickin’ scared. TAKE ME.

How do I feel when I imagine myself married? Previously, I felt terrified beyond all belief, but now that I’ve had some time to let the concept marinate—weird, but not bad. Married in general? Neutral. Married to Fannie specifically? Mildly positive. What’s it look like? Similar to our June on Naboo, I guess. Being a team and doing stuff together around the house and hanging out. Probably fighting too apparently, but I mean…have you witnessed the parents who have borne and raised me?

Do I want kids? Currently: no. But, hey. When I was a kid I was terrified of moving out of my parents’ house and I did that and I was scared to get a job and I did that and I never thought I’d start working out but I do that and I NEVER thought I’d date but now I just might, so who the heck knows? Maybe I’ll be a dad someday and my kids will be only slightly less messed up than I am. As for Fannie I already know she wants kids because she’s my friend and I know that about her so I guess if she wanted kids we’d have kids and if the kids were Force-sensitive I’d let the kids decide whether or not they wanted to be Jedi because I grew up under an expectation that I would become one and that wasn’t a good experience and if Fannie was like, “No, they have to be Jedi” I’d…well, we’d have to have a Discussion about that.

How do I feel about Fannie getting hurt? Bad. What if she had to relocate? Guess I'd go with her. What if Snoke tries to get to me through her? I said it before and I'll say it again, I don't think I have any use to him anymore so I'm confident he'll be leaving me the heck alone.

Fannie getting involved in our family drama—I think she can handle that. She doesn't really seem to follow galactic gossip or stuff that happens on the holonet. Could I handle her family—I think so? I've never met them I guess we'd just have to see. Yeah I think we could handle each other's trauma. We've been friends for a long time and I think we already know most things about each other at this point anyway. She was the one who told my parents about Snoke, even though I didn't want her to at the time, and she's told me a lot about her family back on Ryloth even if I've never met them.

Doing chores together sounds...nice.

You really think she's that special, huh? I mean...yeah, she kinda is. She's really sweet. And kind. The first friend I made at Luke's school. She's been through fire but it turned her into one of the bravest, wisest people I know. She cares so much about people. She's gentle and quiet but the first one to look you in the eyes with a smile and a hello if you don't know anyone around, and she will always fight for what's right, and she has this habit of apologizing for things you were never even bothered by but she'll say she felt the need to apologize because she recognized her heart wasn't in the right place. She loves her family so much in a way that puts me to shame, and she can always find hope and joy and goodness in the worst of times...

And she's beautiful, the way she smiles, the way her nose crinkles when I make a bad joke, the way her big brown eyes hold a mirror to the stars, the way her lekku hang when she stands at the stove with her back to me, how incredibly stupid she looked when she was dancing and didn't know I was there...

And the way she looks at me. Like I'm someone. Not because of who my parents are or because I run a galaxy-famous blog (just kidding) or because I'm a hot gym boi now. Nah, she just likes me. For some reason. And the way I feel when she looks at me like that, I wish I could put it in a bottle and hold onto it for those nights when everything is way too quiet and I'm losing my mind...

...Maybe the third shot of brandy was a mistake. I didn't think I liked her this much.

…Like her? Nah, I love her.

Yeah…I love her.

And I’m starting to think…that you don’t figure out whether you’re in love with someone. You…decide whether you’re in love with someone.

Well…I’ve decided that I am.

#askbensolo #written #fannie #story event: an awkward situation 2 #an ask so nice it gets answered twice! lol #omg guys i’m finally gonna be employed again sooooon #yay for my bank account. not as yay for the absolute TEENAGER levels of time i had on hand to work on this blog the past couple months #man those were the days. coming home from school at 4pm and neglecting my homework to draw ben solo over and over.#I’ll still be here tho :)#this blog is special to me.#thanks for reminding me about it :’) I’m glad i came back

7 notes · View notes

maple-the-awesome · 10 months

Text

We'll Meet Again...I Know When || Chapter 32

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x GN Reader

Words: 3,853

Overview: Given your old-fashioned personality and obsession with all things 1940s to 1980s, it’s no wonder that most people refer to you as an ‘old soul’ who would’ve rather lived back then than in the modern era. Little do they know, you already did, but with your previous life as Hollie Stark cut short, you’ve been left with some…unfinished business, to say the least. Top of your list? Finally getting to marry your thought-to-be-lost fiancé.

Series Masterlist 🤎 Marvel Masterlist 🤎 Fandom Masterlist

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO: GET LOW

You have to keep your priorities straight. There's a group of terrorist super soldiers running around while the serum to create them is apparently being created in the worst possible place for it, Madripoor. You only agreed to this mission to solve that problem; nothing else should be on your mind nor of your concern. The sooner you fix things, the sooner you can return home where you somewhat wish you would've stayed to begin with.

Despite your bitter and anxious mood, you keep strictly to your assigned character during negotiations. Standing behind Zemo with hands kept clasped in front of yourself, you pay close attention to every word said not because you care for the conversation itself, but so that you can be prepared if anything goes wrong.

As scripted, you only move when Zemo offers to 'trade' the Winter Soldier to Selby in exchange for information, at which point you briefly hold up a book for her to see containing the supposed code words (none that are accurate, as you made sure to confirm before even entering Madripoor).

Earlier when this part of the plan had been explained to you, you were hesitant, yet now you find yourself caring a little less, a petty side of you almost wanting to actually leave him here with this lunatic crime-lord since she seems perfectly willing to take him off your hands. It's not like you plan to ever come back to Madripoor anyway, so he'd never have to worry about seeing you again; a total win for him.

The good news is you get a lead from Selby: a man named Dr. Wilfred Nagel is the one making super soldier serum. The bad news? She refuses to say where you can find him, not even willingly to mention if he's in Madripoor. The worst news? Sam forgot one of the biggest rules to undercover missions: turning off your damn phone.

It's at this point that your facades begin to unravel like a cat's favorite ball of yarn. Based on the way Sam looks around the room nervously, you can tell it isn't a scam call or wrong number, yet there's nothing any of you can do for him once Selby demands he answer it on speaker phone. Despite his desperate attempts to maintain his role as Smiling Tiger, the woman on the other end doesn't get the hint, stubbornly remaining on line until delivering the final blow by referring to him by name.

"'Sam'? Who's 'Sam'?" Selby becomes enraged immediately, "Kill them -!"

Almost as soon as those words left her mouth, a bullet came crashing through the window, hitting Selby from behind and causing her to fall limp onto the ground. From there, you're only allowed a brief moment of surprise before a fight ensues.

Thankfully unlike the bar downstairs where there would've been a gun pointing at you from every direction, there are only two armed guards in this private room who are slow to react. Bucky and Sam easily knock them out while taking their guns for themselves which is enough of a threat for everyone else to flee without causing any further trouble, although that doesn't necessarily save any of you from this new situation you've landed yourselves in.

"We have a real problem now," Zemo complains, yet his behavior comes across as being no more inconvenienced than he would be if someone spit in his tea, "Leave your weapons and follow my lead."

You wish you could be as calm, too - which is the first and only time you'll be jealous of Zemo for something. Sure, you can act calm, but to truly be it is another talent. It doesn't matter how straight your expression is nor how casual you try to walk while still being swift on your feet; you feel like a deer walking through a shooting range the second you step onto the streets, senses heightened as you wait for any sign of danger directed your way.

You don't have to wait long. The lights of the street suddenly flash off, leaving you blinded by darkness soon disrupted by a flurry of gunshots aimed at your group. It's complete chaos after that. There’s no uniformed or planned attack like what you're used to. It's a city of criminals governed by no leadership or morals, only their own selfish interests in mind.

There's gunshots to your left and gunshots to your right. People screaming as they run for cover, people shouting as they chase after you through the many streets and allies. Now, you haven't been to the gym in months - Alright, maybe years, but practiced exercise is nothing compared to pure adrenaline. The mere thought of your life being on the line as motorcycles roar somewhere close by serves as the perfect motivator for your legs to keep moving, chasing directly behind Bucky who likely has no idea where he's going, but anywhere is better than stopping to ask for directions.

Your pace only slows when coming around another corner, at which point you foolishly duck upon hearing two more gunshots fired from somewhere ahead. When you don't feel the force of any bullets ripping through your body, you turn around to see the motorcycle drivers both hunched over lifeless.

“Well, this is too perfect,” A voice comes as a woman steps out of the foggy darkness, only removing a hand from her gun briefly to pull down her hood which reveals her face to the rest of you. If it weren’t for your excellent memory, you likely would’ve had a harder time recognizing her as Sharon Carter, someone you’ve only met once and under far different circumstances, but she’s an ally nonetheless.

This would be the point where you sigh if not for still trying to catch your breath and steady your nerves.

You're grateful for the opportunity to finally switch out of this stupid disguise you've been forced to wear all night and pleased to see Sharon has offered quite the selection of new outfits to choose from, although most look far too fancy for your taste, particularly the ones drenched in glitter. Not wanting to look like a walking disco ball, you pick something comfortable yet pretty and, most importantly, suitable for action since you highly doubt your game of dodging bullets is over just yet.

Glancing around to check on everyone else, you notice they all seem to be doing their own thing. Sam's trying to find his own change of clothes from the rack, Zemo's currently helping himself to Sharon's alcohol collection, and Bucky has simply plopped down on the couch with back turned to the rest of you (brooding, as you would assume).

"Is there someplace I can change?" You ask Sharon once she returns. She tosses her coat onto the couch next to Bucky and spares you a quick look as she passes by.

"What? Can't change here?" While her tone may have been teasing, that smirk on her face makes you question if she's truly joking, however you certainly aren't.

You'll confess that you've changed in the same room as Bucky before, however you'd also argue that the circumstances were very different then. To him, you had been roommates for so long that it didn't seem like a big deal to switch shirts or sleep in only boxers in your presence. To you...Well, you've always known that you had both done a little more than simply 'change' in front of each other in the 40s, so why be embarrassed about your roommate-once--fiancé catching a sneak peek?

The point is, while you're comfortable around Bucky, that doesn't apply to anyone else in this room. Sam's a friend you barely know, Sharon's a person you don't know, and Zemo's a liability you'd have to strangle if he so much as thought of saying anything remotely inappropriate.

"I'd rather have privacy."

Sharon rolls her eyes with a scoffed laugh, "Sorry, I didn't think you'd mind. You've never seemed that shy around men before."

"And what's that supposed to mean?" Your voice alone warns her to answer carefully as does your irked expression, yet she still turns away from you with a careless shrug.

"It's just that you come across as someone who likes attention, that's all. What, with you going from Rogers, Barnes, Stark then Barnes again; you sure get around, but hey, props to you for having fun with your life, I guess."

"You know there's this thing called 'friends', right?" Sam interjects, unable to himself. He knows you all desperately need Sharon's help in finding Dr. Nagel, but he has trouble biting back the offense he takes on your behalf from her unwarranted comments.

For better or for worse, she isn't fazed by Sam's disapproval, instead responding sarcastically to it, "Really? Never heard of it."

"Like that isn't obvious," You roll your eyes then land them on Bucky who unlike Sam doesn't bother to show an ounce of concern for how Sharon's treating you, his back remaining completely turned to the problem.

Although his silence has been bothering you this whole time, you must say it especially stings right now. You understand that he's mad, but so much so that he isn't even willingly to say a single word in your defense? That he's just going to sit there and let her basically call you a whore? He knows the truth, all he has to do is say it. Who cares if it actually shuts Sharon up? At least he'd look like a decent gentleman by attempting to protect your honor instead of a total asshole wordlessly supporting her point!

Looking back at Sharon, you match her crossed arms and pair them with a disinterested stare, "I know you're bitter and shit about Steve leaving you for your aunt, but that doesn't involve me, so if you're that desperate to lift your ego, I suggest picking up a hobby or - better yet - moving on instead of pissing me off which I will only warn you once is a dangerous game to play.

"I'm sure you'll be pleased to know Barnes and I - we're nothing; not even friends. The sole reason why I'm right now is because Sam, a friend, asked nicely and I, for one, don't want anyone dragging the name of super soldiers through the mud; personally, I don't think Steve's legacy deserves that. Now is there somewhere I can change or not?"

Despite the bite behind your words, Sharon appears more impressed than offended or sorry as she nods her head towards the hallway, "There's a bathroom down the hall, three doors to your right."

"...Thanks," You brush past her with your clothes in hand, more convinced than ever that you'll never step foot in Madripoor again after this even if the rest of the world were to be on fire.

Seconds after you disappear through the glass doors, Bucky turns to send a glare Sharon's way, "What the hell was that?"

"What? ...Oh, come on! Did I really hit that deep of a nerve? I thought for Avengers, you'd all have thicker skin," Sharon's attempt at innocence crumbles under Bucky and Sam's intense glares, yet she merely sighs in frustration before going to pour herself a glass of alcohol over where Zemo's been watching the whole scene unfold while sipping his brandy in amusement.

"I highly doubt I'm the only one who finds it a little suspicious that someone who stuck their neck out for the Winter Soldier and Captain America was entirely forgiven when rich boy Tony Stark cried out in their favor only to conveniently fall right back into their former lover's arms after his death. I mean, last I saw they were practically your little lap dog seven years ago and honestly, I can't say it seems much has changed once Stark got out of the way."

Sharon finishes her little rant by collapsing on the opposite side of the couch as Bucky who shakes his head in disbelief, "Wow, you're kind of awful now, aren't you?"

"Look, Sharon. I'm sorry for everything that happened. I'm sorry no one ever called -" Sam starts.

"- You make it sound like it was just a missed date or something -"

"- I know that it seems like (Y/n) got off easy compared to the crap you've had to put up with after helping us, but it's not their fault how things ended. Stark was there to stand up for them while no one was there for you, so don't blame them, blame me. I should've called, but after the Blip, it was chaos and I -"

"- Oh, save your breath," Sharon shakes her head, looking back at Sam from over the edge of the couch, "...You know all this hero stuff is just bullshit, right? Deep down, you know it's all hypocrisy and that's why you gave up the shield."

"He knows, just not that deep down," Zemo asserts from the corner of the room, however Sam himself can't seem to say anything, only able to remain quiet while wishing he had your talent for snapping back. He wants to say something to disprove Sharon's allegations, yet he instead hands her the win with his silence, allowing her to go back to finishing her drink just in time for you to return, clearly still irritated and too much so to question whether the dim energy of this room is from your past conversation or a new one.

"Alright, so what's the plan? How are we finding this Dr. Nagel, hmm?" You get right to business, not even bothering to act cheerful or excited as you normally would; your will to do so for everyone else's sake is officially run dry.

"Are you guys still sure you want to get involved in this?" For once, Sharon doesn't show much confidence, in fact you would even say she sounds genuinely concerned as she sets her empty glass on the table, "For your own safety, I'd recommend that you don't. Nagel works for the Power Broker who, might I remind you, you're already in deep shit against after what happened with Selby."

"Free range super soldiers being produced under the management of a criminal empire? Yeah, for the safety of the world, I'd say backing down isn't really an option here," You argue, half surprised Sharon doesn't have some smartass comment to swing back at you which proves that while she might be a pain to deal with, she at least isn't stupid.

"To do this we need your help, Sharon. We can get your name cleared -" Sam adds.

"- Heh. Haggling with my life now, are we?"

"Not like that -"

"- Mmm, I don't buy it - you pretending to clear my name as your bargaining chip?"

"I can try," Sam walks around the couch, standing in front of Sharon with a hand outstretched towards her, "It's not impossible, after all, they already cleared the name of a bionic staring machine after he killed almost everyone he met -"

"- I heard that -"

"- I don't trust charity."

"It's not really 'charity'," You sit on an armchair and shrug when Sharon's glances around Sam at you, "Charity is the act of voluntary giving. We're not just 'giving' you anything, we're offering an exchange. You help us find Nagel, Sam here gets your name cleared. Can't be that hard. The government's views change like a flip of a dime. Catch 'em at a desperate time of need and they'll be more willing to pardon you for your help in the cause."

"...Nice to see someone here admits to seeing the hypocrisy of it all," Sharon inhales and exhales deeply, her words causing you to raise an eyebrow in confusion after having missed the context to them earlier. Nevertheless, it doesn't matter as she finally shakes Sam's hand and stands to her feet, "I sell to some pretty connected people, so just lay low, stay out of trouble, and enjoy the party while I see what I can do."

You're not a fan of crowds, but at least this suffocating party beats being cornered in a bar full of hostile, armed patrons. Here everything is more laid back, similar to any noncriminal run club. The music is blaring, lights flashing, and ground vibrating as guests dance to their hearts' content. All you have to do now is just look like you're equally enjoying yourself for a few hours which is significantly easier than your previous role as 'silent assistant'.

Leaned against a wall, your laughter becomes comparable to the booming of the bass and is contagious within the group of party goers standing around you. You just gotta keep this up - keep engaging in a few more conversations, tell a couple of funny jokes while downing a drink or two along the way, and soon that annoying, nagging voice inside your head will finally go mute, allowing you to sink deeper and deeper into your game of intoxicating pretend.

"Hey -!" You're suddenly pulled away from your new group of friends when Bucky grabs your arm, quite literally tugging your attention from them to him. While he's technically successful, you're hardly amused, immediately ripping your arm away from him with a glare and another swig of your drink.

"- What?"

Bucky, who was going to say something else, becomes distracted when his eyes flicker down to your half-empty bottle, "...Don't you think you've had enough?"

You huff, bringing the bottle back up to your lips while maintaining your glare, "I'm not going to get drunk if that's what you're worried about. I'm able to handle my liquor quite well, thank you very much. It's in my blood, after all."

Bucky sighs, half tempted to rip that bottle away from your stubborn hand, however he refrains from the urge.

"...Have you heard anything from Sharon yet?" Your question echoes within the glass as you survey the active party around you both.

"No. Last I heard, she's still talking to her 'connections'."

"Well hopefullyshe starts speeding things up. It's been a long enough night already," You'd blame it on exhaustion fogging up your mind, but in truth, it's probably the relief from Bucky's finally talking to you which seems to take some weight off of your shoulders, allowing you to relax and speak more freely in his presences - to be more like yourself unlike how you've been behaving around those other party goers...however you shouldn't have been so trusting to this feeling.

"Then you should go rest."

"Not until we find Nagel."

Bucky pauses, not even looking at you as he just stares at some other far off place in the room, "...I think you should stay here while we go talk to Nagel ourselves."

"There's no point in that," You sigh, "I came here to help you guys, not stand on the sidelines."

"It wasn't a suggestion."

"What?" You return your glare to him once more.

"It's not necessary for all of us to go. We don't need five people -"

"- Does my presence add that much to the equation? Three people is fine, but four's a crowd? In that case, why not have Sharon stay behind? She's the tag-along...Or is it just me?"

"It...It has nothing to do with you, okay? I just think -" Bullshit. He acts as if your accusation is nothing short of ridiculous yet never looks directly at you longer than an impatient glance. It is you.

"- Here's an idea: how about you just pretend I'm not there, yeah?" You put your free hand on your hip, feeling your blood begin to boil the more his words sink into your skin, "I mean, that's what you've been doing this whole time and you seem to have gotten pretty damn good at it, I'd say, so I doubt it'll kill you to do for a few extra hours."

Bucky inhales deeply while pinching the bridge of his nose, "...Look, we've already run into trouble and barely got out of it just searching for Nagel. Actually talking to him is going to be dangerous."

"Alright? And your point is?"

"You're at the most risk out of all of us. You don't have any formal training, you don't have any powers. Just - Come on and be reasonable. You'll only get yourself hurt -!"

"'Be reasonable'?" You can't help but laugh with a shake of your head, "I am being reasonable! In case you've forgotten, I protected your ass for two whole years and helped the Avengers fight Thanos twice! That's not even mentioning the shit I went through against HYDRA, either! For fucks sake, I've been shot at before, so training or not, the fear of dying isn't new for me!"

Your fury falters and you immediately regret your choice of words once noticing Bucky's reaction to them. Almost as soon as they're said, his expression becomes shattered and mournful, and a part of you instantly feels terrible seeing that, yet at the same time, your lingering anger - still fueled by your inner, unresolved pain - prevents you from outright apologizing.

"...You're a liability if you go..."

You grip your bottle, almost wishing it would just shatter in your hands to emphasize what you're feeling right now. Maybe then you'd have an excuse to cry in front of so many people - people who would definitely raise eyebrows if you were to completely lash out right now and confront Bucky with every swirling thought that's been burning hotter on your tongue following each drop of alcohol: 'What am I doing wrong? Why are you treating me like this? How come you don't love me anymore? Can't you see that it's drowning me?

You take a deep breath, calming yourself down a little before opening your eyes to look back up at Bucky with a false smile, "...You know what? Suuure. I'll stay behind. Whatever makes you happy, you fucking asshole!"

After spitting those final venomous words, you shove pass him roughly and storm off into the crowd, no longer caring if anyone heard your little 'lover's quarrel', as they probably all see it as. You have no idea where you're going or what you'll even do in the meantime, but Sharon's house seems big enough, so you're sure you'll have no problem finding someplace quiet to soak in all your self-pity.

Bucky almost calls after you, requiring every ounce of willpower not to chase you and give an apology, but what would that actually accomplish if he did? 'Sorry I hurt your feelings, but I'm still not changing my mind because I stand by what I said'...As if that would fix anything.

Maybe this is for the best, at least that's what he tries to convince himself throughout each second that his guilt eats away at him. For the price of hurting you, you won't be in danger if things go south talking to Nagel. Perhaps you'll even want to go home after this and you'll never have to be at risk because of any of this stuff again. Sure, you'll hate him as you probably do now, but if that's what it takes for you to be alive, then it's worth it.

...It'll be worth this heartache, won't it?

NEXT CHAPTER ->

<- PREVIOUS CHAPTER

Taglist:

@arunabrak,

20 notes · View notes