#and even more shocking that its all queer pairings

[poethebeloved]

It's so interesting that shipping/romance is such a big aspect of the qsmp. like of course it's a aspect of fan culture like with any other fandom, but it's also important to the storyline. these characters are motivated by their attraction, they make decisions around pursuing the one they love, and they are emotionally affected by rejection and flirting. and its not just fanservice, we have seen with guapoduo and fooligetta that these characters are forming meaningful relationships with narratively satisfying payoffs. idk how common this is in smps, but the fact that the creators have made it so important is so fascinating to me

[vancemedicibutwhimsical]

hello I would LOVE to just hear you ramble about any rarepairs or ships you like in general hehe, your art is super cute btw!!

WOAH MY GOD!!! THNAN U SO MUCH ☹️☹️☹️ ure SO SWEET !!

Holy Wow okay so i never get to talk about these sillies so here we GO !! Most r mlm or wlw !!

• Lucky/Lefty

This one is So special to my heart and its so silly really, i just think they would look so cute together. Im under the impression that Lefty is a touch younger than Lucky, based on his voice, position in the shop, etc. i like to imagine that Lefty grows up looking up to Lucky for a long time and never knows why hes just about Leftys ‘favorite friend’ when one day he drops his freakin hot dog in shock after realizing that he very much thinks of Lucky when hes not even around, what he might be up to, being mad when he talks to ladies, MUCH, much like someone who has a big fat crush.

He puts it off forever and thinks hes maybe just Going Crazy, takes Pinky on an unsuccessful date, does all these ‘manly’ things that he was taught growing up.

I like to think that there would be a dance at the school, and Lefty doesn’t feel like going with anyone. No one matches up with the feelings he’s been having for his best friend.

Lucky, being his right hand (lol) man, still makes him go because, “theres plenty of broads here who’ll dance with ya”

And when Lefty is spending time out in the lot, instead of inside the gym with everyone else, Lucky comes looking for him. I think he would notice when Lefty is upset or deterred, given his typical upbeat personality.

I think that Lefty would babble about how he hasnt felt right and that he thinks somethings up with him, maybe eating those hotdogs from the gasstation all the time isnt a good idea.

But Lucky gets it.

Nothing big happens, Lucky pulls him in by his shoulder, both boys far more snazzy-looking than they ever did on a regular day. They would take things really slow, so much so that no one even hardly has an inclination that they might be together for a WHILE. It would probably take an observation from Vance, i imagine, being queer himself.

I actually love to imagine that Vance catches Lucky bringing Lefty lunch and cigarettes, and its like that scene in spongebob where spongebob realizes squidward likes krabby patties LMAOOO

I feel like they would have a VERY sweet relationship, very casual around the other greasers, like best friends who are joking about bikes and then they start smooching. They might be more careful in public, especially on their side of town, where some less-than-tasteful opinions are shared on minorities, but they would still be very much proud of their relationship :,3 these r two i could see being highschool sweethearts and being fiances/married in the future.. sighs queerly

• Tad/Parker

OUGH THESE TWO!!!!!! MEIN GOTT!!!

This is a pairing i love because its so sweet, but also so tragic just generally because of their statuses and reputations :((( 💔

I think this interest would start on Parkers end, honestly! He seems very sweet, compared to a lot of the Preps. He is also a hopeless romantic at heart, and always dreams of having someone to take care of and make happy, regardless of gender, really.

I think Parker would notice how he feels about Tad very clearly. He realizes that he’s hoping to spar with Tad more often, urging to his friends that “Tad needs the practice with someone who believes in him!” and they all look at him like. What Do You Mean By That..

And then when Tad comes around with bruises that didn’t originate from their matches, Parker worries. It’s summer, so, the sunglasses on Tad’s head arent exactly unusual for the weather, persay, but unusual for HIM.

Parker knows he can’t exactly beat Mr. Spencer till he sees jesus, so he settles for making Tad comfortable. Parker wears sunglasses, anytime Tad does.

I think that they would be very secretive, considering that their families both want them to grow up, take over companies, and marry a woman, who might or might not be blood related to them. That idea is distasteful to both, of course, so they spend their alone time in the boxing ring, or in Parker’s room at the Harrington house, dreaming of an intertwined life in the City.

Besides, they know they arent the only ones sharing a bed on occasion behind these walls.. (cough theyre all gay)

These two would probably have an exclusive, secret relationship in highschool, break up for college and to maintain their secret, and would end up inevitably meeting again in their adult lives. I like to think that they would try to just have a friendship, but wouldn’t be able to ignore how intimate they used to be with one another.

• Justin/Ted

This one.. euehueheheh

Theyre both so silly looking. Reminds me of “we’re pretty cute for two ugly people” 😭

I think that Justin has a big fat disgusting crush on Ted Thompson. He is REVOLTED and so inlove.

I like to think that Justin possibly played football as a child, or has an interest in it. Maybe this is just because he wants to grow closer to Ted, but i can actually see him wanting to play football on occasion.

He would go to football games, insisting to his friends that he was going to watch the Jocks fail, and to pull pranks, however, no one ever sees him doing…any of that.

Usually, hes perched in the bleachers, eyes trailing a body on the feild as they pound down other players and the rival. He’s kind of obvious, but he will always deny any sight of him pining.

Justin keeps a journal much much like a girl. I dont mean boys dont have journals, but Justins is solely for all his queer thoughts and gossip when Gord is busy and can’t listen to him bitch through a glass of brandy.

This journal has plenty of daydreams of Ted written in it, handwriting messy in the areas where Justin felt particularly embarrassed to feel this way, almost like if he wrote it sloppy enough, it wouldn’t be eligible, therefore, not real!!!

I think being a jock, the school would have Ted put in Art class and shop class, to try and level out his education and make sure it wasn’t all football.

Therefore, Justin and Ted get paired one fateful day for an art project. They have to do portraits of eachother. Both are very ticked about it, but.. maybe moreso ted, than Justin, because he has way too much fun during those couple of days.

He has an excuse to sit with Ted Thompson! And Talk to him!!! Oh me oh my!

And he does just that, he talks his way into sitting with Ted at lunch, and convinces him that they really need to finish this project, considering Ted’s grades are constantly suffering when he isn’t paying nerds to do his work.

Ted is a tough guy, and everyone knows it, its painted on his face. However, when Justin finishes his portrait a day or so later, Ted is stood infront of him, face looking dumb as ever. Because, justin is a great artist. He wishes the kid could have done his highlights with the way he captures him on lead-smudged sketch paper.

And Ted asks to keep it! Justin is extremely stupid in love and obviously accepts, running off to the Harrington house to bury himself in his bed and scream.

I think they would have a rlly cute back and forth non-exclusive thing going on..Justin insists on studying with him to get his grades up, alone, in Ted’s dorm room, of course :3 Ted walks him around sometimes because hes just sure that Justin will run his mouth to someone who would take it way personal, Justin constantly quips that he can handle himself, but never deters the Jock when he comes around to chaperone Vandervelde to his locker.

Ill post Actual headcanons soon but these r kind of the explanation of dynamics and stuff between the relationships :333 THANK U FOR THE ASK!! IVE BEEN YEARNING TO TALK ABOUT RAREPAIRS UGHH

[imaginarylungfish]

AUDHD 👏 GOJO 👏

I’m right there with you so, in true AuDHD style, I’m zooming into your inbox to infodump because I’m ALWAYS desperate to scream about this (shout out to @ellionwrites for patiently and compassionately listening to my unpolished rambles about a lot of this stuff in private)!

I actually have a LOT of thoughts about 236 and how it’s Gojo’s “unmasking”. That chapter is really emotional for me because of how well it articulates my personal experience of navigating the world as an autistic person. This post (and especially its tags) from right after it came out says it in a much more concise way, but Gojo’s upset pout breaks my heart because, to me, that's evidence of “no matter how much you try, people will misunderstand you” and damn… that hits a little close to home 🥲

It’s why his death had such a strong impact on me, especially when it felt like half the internet was ignoring the actual words Gojo said to claim “he never cared about that stuff, he was arrogant from the start and you just misread him". In combination with “it was the best ending for a character like Gojo" — right after we find out how deeply lonely he’s been, never able to truly connect with anyone after Geto left? Well, it was mindblowingly meta and, therefore, pretty painful to read.

I wrote an analysis of Gojo’s character in 236 and, even though I wasn’t viewing him through an autistic lens for that particular post, I think my words under the cut still read that way — that’s how baked into his character I think this stuff is! I genuinely think the two pairs of sorcerers sitting with their backs to each other is a visual representation of the double empathy problem. I'm not sure autistic and allistic people can ever arrive at a place where we fully understand each other, but that doesn’t mean autistic people have to carry all the burden and remain isolated. That’s why it’s meaningful that Gege makes it clear that all the characters care about each other, even if they don’t see eye-to-eye.

Glad to see you shouting about this reading of his character, because I haven’t seen many people talking about it. Some people are very hostile to ND headcanons, especially for characters as popular as Gojo, which is why I haven’t really talked about it much myself. However, I feel like any fellow AuDHDers who read my fic must be side-eying me constantly because I don’t think I’m subtle about how I write Gojo’s character at ALL 🤪

Maybe it’s time to be brave and publicly share my 236 AuDHD!Gojo manifesto for the five of us who are standing in a circle screaming about this! Cheering you on and sending lots of love ♥️

Ahhhhh thank you so much for this infodump!!!! I was on a AuDHD!Gojo rampage last night as my brain worm hit right as I should have been going to sleep. But such are things....

Like idk why it didn't truly hit me until now, but I can't unseen Gojo as AuDHD. (It was probably because I re-watched "Everything's Gonna be Okay" with some AuDHD representation and then I started thinking of other AuDHD characters and immediately thought of Gojo.) I did play with the idea a few months back, but it hit me with full force yesterday.

Idk like I get a little annoyed with people who think I or others like Gojo just because "he's hot" because like okay fine yes (but also I think I just have gender envy but that's a whole other can of worms). But also, no no no that's not it! My love for Gojo is more than that! He speaks to me as a character. He's misunderstood. He's seen as something he isn't. In my eyes, he's neurodivergent (and queer). And Geto was the only other person who ever saw him for who he really was.

Gojo's death was really hard on me. I remember exactly where I was when I read that chapter. And then the airport. Fuck. EmOtIOns. At first, I tried understanding Nanami's words. I really did. But really, I just didn't if I'm honest. Those words were a shock to me. Like yeah okay he's selfish (but like aren't all humans?). He also helps though! Isn't that obvious? And at the end? He wanted to have an equal to go all out with in a fight. Again, why was that bad? He was also helping! What's the issue? He's a fallible human. Like you said in your analysis, he contains multitudes. What's wrong with that?

So, like many others, I thought maybe I misread Gojo. But no. Now I think the missing piece was that Gojo is AuDHD and Nanami didn't quite get that. He didn't understand Gojo's actions. (And ahh god that lil pout. Gojo was just living his life and people saw him but they never ~saw~ him.)

I think the visual of the sorcerers back-to-back is a great metaphor for the double empathy problem. I never saw it that way, but I see it now and like it! And I think you're so right with the fact that the characters still respect and support each other even if they don't understand each other fully. I think that's a theme woven throughout the story.

Blahhh I feel like there is so much textual support for AuDHD Gojo. Like him being blindsided by Geto's defection because he didn't see Geto's decline (and don't get me started about Autistic!Geto with his strict black-and-white thinking), him just blabbing about sweets when he meets up with Megumi before fighting one-finger Sukuna at the beginning, the fact he thought revealing Yuuji to his classmates at the exchange event would be funny (cause hey, I thought it would too until it happened and I saw oh hey, it wasn't), etc. Plus, his blindfold. His overall personality. Like, it's such a heavy mask. Now I see that.

I feel like people either love Gojo or they hate him. (I immediately gobbled up your analysis and 100% agree. And I think people's reactions to his death are pretty telling.)

So, thank you for the yummy AuDHD!Gojo content. Please feel free to send me more/link me to things. I feel like I have a million more things to say but my brain is jumping all over the place and I've already spent 40 minutes this morning on this when I should have been getting ready for work. Hehe, whoops.

Gojo is AuDHD. I will die on this hill. Let's keep staring and screaming at each other about this. Sending you good vibes and love as well 🤍

[literary-illuminati]

Book Review 46 – The Spear Cuts Through Water by Simon Jimenez

Okay the month of August was essentially a write-off for...a lot of things, but non-web serial reading among them! Now trying to claw my way out of the pit and back on the horse. So, some high concept genre fic full of queer people and war crimes, just what the doctor ordered.

The Spear Cuts Through Water is the fantasy epic and love story of a pair of warriors – one a generally despised one-armed checkpoint guard, the other a positively reviled princeling – as they escort the moon goddess in her attempt to escape the prison her sons had trapped her within as they tyranize and empire that spans a continent. As told through a dream/vision of the Inverted Theater, where shades throughout time are called while they sleep to witness a performance put on by the favoured child of moon and sea. Intercut with the same tale as told through out POV’s grandmother, along with vignettes of his life as the son of a failing cloth merchant centuries in the future as the world goes through its equivalent of WW1. All this metaness and layering is either the book’s strongest point or it will make your eyes roll back into your skull so, you know, make an informed choice here.

Being entirely honest I don’t remember exactly how this book ended up on my radar – I believe I was first pointed towards after I expressed some dissatisfaction with this year’s Hugo nominees as something that would have been a more deserving inclusion on the short list. Certainly I’d never heard Jimenez’s name before picking it up. Entirely happy I did, anyway – whoever first rec’d it yes, this does deserve a Hugo nod way more than some of the other nominations.

The plot itself is quite well done, but absent any of the stylistic flourish wouldn’t really have been anything that memorable. The layered framing devices – and the way that they intrude on the narrative in a hundred different ways, switching from depicting the action to saying how it was staged and presented or how the narrator heard the tale told – are really just fantastically well done, enough that even when it got all meta and self-referential I was still enjoying it more than enough to just go with it.

Not that our heroes aren’t fun in their own right. They’re both at times profoundly unlikable, and other times utter idiots, and always totally and completely incapable of intelligibly expressing their feelings. It’s great, love them. Even if on occasion I also wanted to throw rocks at them. The main supporting cast – or at least Defect the tortoise and the moon/empress herself – are even better, really.

Though as far as characterization goes its the extras where the book really shines. It has a trick I really, really like where little snippets of the internal monologue or history of some fellow traveller on the road or sentry being gutter from behind are interspersed into the action in italics like this. Diegetically this would be the chorus in the theatrical performance, but regardless it does a shocking amount to make the world feel like it’s full of actual people and not just mannequins forming a backdrop for the characters who matter.

The book fits into the honourable tradition of modern SFF with cool-eyed and unsentimental portrayals of feudalism/imperialism, war crimes and general oppression (including in this case very plot-relevant and character-informing ableism) but only a vague and attenuated sort of 21st century homophobia, if that. Like all modern queer genrefic it’s also at least kind of in conversation with the looming shadow of Burying Your Gays, with a bait and switch tragic heroic sacrifice that seemed very conscious and pointed.

The framing devices lend themselves well to the book being written in a kind of mythic register, which I very much enjoyed. The epilogue felt like an intrusion of history on mythology, and I do mean that as a compliment, full of messiness and ambiguity and short on heroes and golden ages or utopias. Overall very much enjoyed the book, perfect reading for being stuck in a waiting room for a passport renewal.

[prettybillycore]

We Can All be A Little Less Lonely | harringrove x reader [1/2]

Summary: Y/n Henderson is the older sister of Dustin and is a bit of an awkward high schooler. She's dating Jonathan, and from the outside, everything seems fine. But, in reality, you two don't get along. Will your relationship survive between your long-time crush on Steve Harrington and the new boy who's come to town, Billy Hargrove?

Pairing(s):

Steve Harrington/Reader/Billy Hargrove (harringrove x Henderson!reader)

Minor Jonathan/Reader

Minor Jonathan/Nancy

Word Count: 12.2k (Ik I went overboard)

Rating: Teen

Warnings:

- Canon Typical Violence

- the use of the word queer

- Possessive!Billy

- mentions of cheating

- Cigarettes

- alcohol/drunkness

- only about half-beta-ed as of the publishing date, but as I have more free time I'm going to correct like my random comma splices, for now, please forgive them.

⬇️ Read on AO3 ⬇️

OR

right here on tumblr :3

There were three boys. They had all come into your life in different ways and had absolutely taken over your life—some for better, and some for worse. As a Henderson, you were shocked that you had gotten yourself into this mess.

Steve Harrington had been your longtime crush. You had become aware of the boy during your freshman year of high school. You were introverted like Johnathan and ended up gravitating toward him instead, even though Steve had caught your eye. He gave you the good kind of anxiety; the butterflies in your stomach, their smile makes you want to throw up sort of anxiety. You saw Steve as out of your league and didn’t get your hopes up that he would ever see you as anything other than a girl his friends bully. Besides, he started dating Mike’s sister Nancy. You felt like she was everything you wished you were. You felt like you couldn’t compete with her in any department. You were happy with your friend group and knew that Steve was probably an asshole just like the rest of them, but there was something about him that profoundly sparked your curiosity, though. You did your absolute best to ignore it, though. You had bigger things to worry about than your stupid crush on Steve Harrington.

By the end of your freshman year, you were dating none other than Jonathan Byers . He was kind, and your relationship was simple. His smile didn’t make your stomach do flips, but you thought his face looked adorable when he was at peace. His mom and brother loved you; from the outside, your relationship was absolutely perfect. On the inside, though, you two fought a lot. You wanted very different things in life, and at the first sign of stress, he’d shut you out. Will’s disappearance, the discovery of the Upside Down, and the appearance of Eleven were slowly breaking down your relationship. You both persisted on like everything was fine, but your brothers both knew it wasn’t. The Party had a pool on how long it would be before the two of you split up.

When Billy Hargrove came to town, you knew you were doomed. He was smug, silly, and good-looking. He was everything you were told to stay away from, and at first, you did. However, as time went on, you knew you were in trouble. It only took a week before the first butterflies hit your stomach. Billy and his little sister Max (who your brother wouldn’t admit he had a crush on, but he did) arrived in his Camaro. You were sitting on the hood of Jonathan’s car, and Billy tossed a wink in your direction. You showed nothing on your face; you gave him no satisfaction in your response. Your stomach was completing its own roller coaster track inside your body, but all you did was give him a deadpan stare and raise your eyebrow. Fuck, that’s the same feeling as Steve. Billy turned away from you, but that was when he became infatuated.

Jonathan removed his hand from the small of your back. Billy may not have seen through your expression, but Jonathan sure as hell did. “Really, Y/n?”

“What?”

“Him? He’s only been here like a week, and I can already tell he uses girls. He has sex with them and tosses them out. Why would you ever be interested in him?”

You rolled your eyes and leaned your chin on your hand, using it to support your head. “Oh, please, Johnathan. I don’t have any interest in him. I can tell he’s a douchebag. Besides, I’m dating you, aren’t I?”

“We both know I’m not your normal type, and that you can like multiple people.”

You huffed. You regret deeply ever expressing to Johnathan that you had feelings for Steve. He was very could with you being queer and polyamorous; he just asked for your relationship to be monogamous. You were cool with that, and you were glad you were honest with him about your sexuality, but you loathed yourself for mentioning your long-time crush on Steve. Whenever he was mad at you, he brought up that he was not your typical type, and if you had the chance, you would dump him for Steve… or someone like Billy. “Uncool, Johnathan. I would never cheat on you. We’re monogamous and I’m chill with that. I literally didn’t even blink when Billy winked at me.”

He sighed deeply, “whatever love, I’m gonna drop it. Just don’t turn your back on me, yeah?”

| < ♥️ > |

By Halloween, your relationship with Jonathan was crumbling. Your brother kept checking with you to see if you and Will’s older brother were still together. Every day you said yes and it seemed to genuinely surprise Dustin. It was clear neither of you were happy in your relationship, but it also seemed that neither of you were willing to admit that fact.

You were supposed to be spending Halloween trick-or-treating with the party + max, but Jonathan waved you to his car when you all met up. “You want to go to that house party?”

“Huh? Who’s going to watch the kids?”

“They can handle themselves for a night, they aren’t really kids anymore! Besides, we can go see, you know, people our age .” The way he phrased it gave you the ick, but you agreed and hopped in his car.

It didn’t take long before you two arrived at the party and you were immediately overwhelmed. It was loud, cramped, and the smell of alcohol was putrid. Nancy smiled at you and pulled Steve close behind her to meet you in the middle of the room. She opened her arms wide to hug you; it was the first time she had ever done that. She had always been sweet to you, but you hadn’t been close since you were little kids. It took you by surprise, and the drink she had in her hand splattered slightly on your back. You leaned in, and you could smell the alcohol on her breath. Your nose crinkled up at the scent, but you patted her on the back and tossed her a soft smile when she pulled away. You all had been through a lot; it was no surprise that she’d want a drink when one was offered. “Hey! I didn’t think you two were coming?” She asked.

Jonathan shrugged. “Change of plans.”

“Yeah…” You sighed. This was going to be such a long night. Why did I let Jonathan convince me that this was a good idea?

“Well, I’m sure we’ll be seeing you both around the party. Try to have some fun tonight; you’re normally both such squares,” Steve teased. He playfully tapped Jonathan on the shoulder.

You giggled, but Jonathan just rolled his eyes. “I think we’ll be staying sober, but we’ll still probably find a way to have some fun.”

Jonathan put his hand on the small of your back and you grimaced slightly. Was that what he wanted from this party? Steve raised his eyebrow in reaction. You couldn’t see his eyes because he had his sunglasses on, but you could see his body language change. Was he feeling protective? You were watching his expression closely, he was about to say something back, but he saw your eyes go wide at something, or rather someone behind him. Billy kept his eyes trained on you as he and his lackeys approached your group. Jonathan pulled you closer by your waist. Steve sighed when he turned his head to follow your eye line, only to realize you were watching Billy.

“We got ourselves a new Keg King, Harrington!”

“Yeah, that’s right!”

“Yeah eat it, Harrington!”

Steve took off his sunglasses and focused his concentration on Billy. Nancy, while Steve was preoccupied, started to slip away from your small group and headed back toward the kitchen for more alcohol. You tore your eyes away from Billy to put your hand up to Jonathan’s ear. “You go make sure Nancy doesn’t get into too much trouble, I’ll make sure Steve doesn’t get his ass kicked,” you whispered. Jonathan shot you a confused look. You motioned your eyes toward Nancy, she was feverishly drinking from a bowl of punch that was definitely spiked. “Make sure she doesn’t give herself alcohol poisoning. I would, but that would leave you stuck helping Steve and I know you’re not his biggest fan.”

“Whatcha chatting about there?” Billy taunted.

You pried Jonathan off of your skin. He looked Billy up and down before heading off toward Nancy. You turn your attention back to “Nothing that concerns you, Billy.”

He smirked. “Oh yeah? Well, I feel like it’s pretty unfair that you know my name, but I’ve never heard yours.”

“She’s a loser, Hargrove,” One of his friends said.

“Yeah she’s the toy of the freak’s brother,” Said the other.

“She plays that stupid dragons game with a bunch of middle schoolers for fun.”

“Hey, don’t call her a toy or a loser. Even if she is a little awkward at times, at least she’s kind, unlike you shitheads,” Steve cut in.

“Thanks, Steve, ‘appreciate it,” You replied quietly. Ouch, man, jocks are mean. Their comments killed any confidence you had.

“Shut up all of you!” Billy seethed. You jumped slightly from the tone and volume of his voice. You weren’t scared, just startled. It reminded you of Jonathan and you’s yelling matches. He seemed to notice your change in demeanor, “You two-” he motioned to the jocks, “leave the three of us to chat.”

“But Billy-”

Billy quickly put his hand up, signaling them to shut up, and they did. “Leave.” The jocks scattered.

He turned his attention back to Steve. “You know, Harrington, I hardly ever agree with you, but I am glad that you told them off. It shows you still have at least a little bit of a backbone.”

His eyes found yours. Your stomach began doing flips again. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. “Now where were we? Yes, your name. What’s your name doll?”

“Y/n Henderson.”

“Pretty name for a pretty girl,” Billy smiled; his tongue was tucked between his teeth.

Steve rolled his eyes, “Oh come on Hargrove, she’s got a boyfriend.”

Billy scoffed, his eyes drifted toward Jonathan and Nancy in the kitchen. You and Steve followed. Jonathan was a little too close to her for comfort. “What that Jonathan kid? Please, Harrington. You and I both know how uncomfortable she was with him touching her. My guess is they won’t be together much longer. In fact, I’d say you both are close to being single.” Steve was listening, but his eyes were trained on Nancy. He really was in love with her.

“Will you be okay with him?” Steve asked. His eyes never left his girlfriend, who was currently getting a minor back rub from your boyfriend. It makes you feel sick and your vision blurred until you convinced yourself to look away.

“I think I’d rather be over here right now, than over there. You can go, Steve.”

He looked back toward you, “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Probably best you go rescue, Nancy.” You were looking at Steve, but you could feel Billy’s delighted grin in your general direction.

“Yeah Steve, go rescue Nancy. Y/n and I will be just fine.” Steve glared at Billy before turning his attention back to you.

He rested his hand gently on your shoulder. “Bastard tries anything, you let me know and I’ll kick his ass.” It was the first time Steve had shown any care toward you more than you just being Nancy’s friend. It felt like you really mattered to him for the first time.

“You got it, Harrington,” You rested your hand on top of Steve’s and gave it a squeeze before removing it from your shoulder. It had never felt so cold before. Steve nodded to you and left the conversation.

Billy’s face was still covered in a giddy grin. “Sorry about the idiots from earlier. They don’t know what they are talking about.”

You shot him a confused look. “I mean, nothing they said was wrong, but I still appreciate the apology. You hang out with some real assholes.”

“What do you mean they weren’t wrong?”

“I mean, I am a loser. I do play dungeons and dragons with my little brother and his friends sometimes and… I am dating Jonathan. I wouldn’t say he treats me like a toy, but I also wouldn’t say he treats me like a girlfriend.” You paused and looked toward the kitchen again. Steve and Jonathan were squabbling while Nancy was slowly sipping punch again. You rolled your eyes. “I have a feeling he likes Nancy more now than he likes me, but Nancy is with Steve, so he keeps me around. Neither of us really enjoys being lonely. His family and I have been through a lot together.” Your eyes reconnected with Billy’s. You could see a hint of almost sadness in them. It was almost like he related in a way? Maybe he was lonelier than you realized he was. “Sorry, that was probably too much information.”

“No, no, Darlin’ you’re fine.” Billy started to move toward you, but he stopped himself from grabbing your hand. “May I?”

You gave him a curious nod.

He gently picked up your hand. “It’s not often that people are real with me. I really do hang out with assholes most of the time, you’re right. And I mean this genuinely, I’m not trying to do anything weird, if Jonathan ever does anything, and I mean anything to hurt you, and I mean anything, you come find me, okay?”

“Billy-”

“No, I’m serious, Y/n. I am an asshole okay? But like I said to Steve, it is clear how uncomfortable he makes you to me. If he does anything to you that hurts you, come to me and I will kick his ass. I’m a bad guy, and I can see how good of a person you are. We never have to talk again if you don’t want to, but if you need me I’m trapped in this hellhole of a town. I will protect you where you can’t protect yourself, all you have to do is ask.”

Your fingers were tingling. His grip was firm yet comforting and soft. “Why?”

“Why?”

“Why would you help me?”

“I can see that you are a sweet girl, and you don’t deserve how the people in this fucking town talk about you. If I catch any of my boys talking shit about you again, I’ll kick their asses too. You… You clearly deserve more in life than whatever the fuck this town thinks you do. There are so many dicks and bitches here, myself included, but you aren’t like that. Probably why King Steve and Jonathan and Nancy stick around you. You’re like some kind of weird light in the darkness.” He explained. You could see it in his face, he was being sincere.

“Wow… you really are drunk off your ass, aren’t you?” You giggled. “I don’t know if you’ll feel this way tomorrow, but nonetheless, thank you, Billy, really. It’s been a long time since I’ve had anyone say something that nice about me.”

“Trust me, Sweetheart. Even if I remember nothing else, I will remember this little chat we had.” He brought your hand up to his lips and briefly kissed your knuckles. “I better go before the boys come back.” He stepped back from you and let go of your hand.

“Which ones? Yours or mine?”

“Either, or both.” He shot you another wink before he disappeared into the crowd, leaving you alone.

| < ♥️ > |

It was another hour of being alone before you realized something was very wrong. You had heard from people inside the party chatting that Steve and Nancy had a fight. You saw Steve get in his car and leave without Nancy. You decided to go looking for Jonathan at that point because you were getting worried, but when you asked. Some classmates, if they had seen him, and they told you something unimaginable. He had left the party without you to take Nancy home. You made your way back outside at that point and sat on the lawn. You just felt numb. You wanted to cry, but you couldn’t bring yourself to do so. You didn’t know what else to do, but wait for him to come back for you. That is if he ever did come back for you.

You ended up just waiting there for hours. A few of your class acquaintances checked in on you now and then, but other than that, you were alone. You were just mentally beating yourself up for ever letting Jonathan convince you to come to this party. It was maybe hour five waiting outside, by the time you saw Billy again. You hadn��t noticed him and his friends come out of the house, you were lost in your own little world. That is until one of the jocks decided to spill their leftover beer on your head. “What the hell?” You spat at the taste of the sour liquid hitting your mouth. It made your skin and hair instantly sticky.

The jock laughed. “Still a loser, Henderson! Even your freak of a boyfriend doesn’t care about you enough to take you home!”

You didn’t even get another word in. “Look at me,” Billy said to his jock friend.

“Yeah Hargrove?” That was all he got in before Billy started swinging. His aim was a little off due to the amount of alcohol in his system, but he still managed to land a decent punch on the other guy’s jaw. “What the fuck man? It was just some beer!”

Billy would have swung again, but you rushed to your feet and grabbed his arm. “Billy, no that’s enough. You’re drunk.”

“So? I’ll kick his ass.”

“I think it’s time for you to go home. You might be pissed at yourself in the morning for punching your friend in my name.”

He looked back toward the jock, though he didn’t try to move from your grasp. “What was that about her boyfriend?”

The guy was holding his jaw, but he was still able to speak. “He left hours ago with the Wheeler girl.”

“What about Harrington?”

“Left on his own, he had some kind of fight with Nancy,” you answered.

“You’re stranded?” He asked.

“Yeah, I am. I was hoping Jonathan would come back, but he hasn’t.”

Billy pulled keys out of his pocket. “I’ll take you home.”

“Like hell, you’re driving,” you pulled away and stuck out your hand, “I’ll drive.”

“No one drives my car, but me, Sweetheart.”

You crossed your arms, “then I guess we are both stuck here because I will not let you drive home like this.”

He rolled his eyes and huffed. He genuinely seemed to be contemplating his options as his friends walked away toward their own car. “Why are you looking out for me?”

“You look out for me, I look out for you. Gimme your keys.”

“Fine, you crash it, I’ll kill you,” he said jokingly. Though you knew better.

“Relax I am a great driver.”

“Whatever you say, Doll.”

| < ♥️ > |

Billy stayed the night at your place. You decided it was the best option because he couldn’t remember his address and he seemed hesitant about bringing you home anyway. You snuck him into your room. Your mom was out of town, but Dustin was home and probably asleep. You definitely didn’t want him figuring out what was going on at this hour. You could fill him in on everything in the morning. Billy had a few extra clothing items in his back seat and brought them inside with him. You blushed and turned away when he started changing, but you soon spun around to face him when you felt a piece of clothing hit the back of your head. It was a clean “The Romantics” shirt. “I thought you’d enjoy sleeping in that. Besides, it’s better than being covered in beer.”

You laughed quietly. “You realize we’re at my place right? I have all my clothes here.”

He shrugged as he hopped onto the bed. “Yeah, but like it’s like a thank you, you know, for making sure I had a safe place to sleep tonight.” You smiled at him before moving to your dresser. You grabbed some clean sleep shorts and a few other things before you moved toward the door. “Where are you going?”

“I’m gonna shower. This beer in my hair will drive me crazy if I don’t wash it out.”

“Is it okay if I go to sleep?” He asked.

“Of course, Billy. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Sweetheart.”

| < ♥️ > |

Billy woke up in a bed he knew wasn’t his own. At first, he felt disoriented, but soon the sweet scent of strawberries and flowery perfume hit his nose and he knew that it was your bed. The chain of events from the night before started to fill his brain. He really hoped he hadn’t overstepped any of your boundaries. Even though he was a player and people considered him a bad boy, he was a stickler for consent. He would never want to push you past your limits.

Even though he had figured out that he was in your bed, he saw no side of you. It appeared that you may have never been in it. As he continued to wake up more, he heard a male voice he didn’t recognize coming from down the hall. The voice sounded younger, maybe a boy around his sister’s age? He knew you had a brother, he had learned that last night. It was probably him. Billy got up and cracked the bedroom door. “Yeah, she’s just asleep on the couch. I don’t know why. I haven’t been in her bedroom, I don’t really go in there. It smells too much like a flower meadow in there for me.” There was a younger boy standing by the telephone, talking loudly into it while eating a muffin. “Wake her? Nah, Jonathan, you know she sleeps through everything. I’m sure you’ll figure it out when she gets to school later.”

Billy snapped when he heard Jonathan’s name. “Hey, kid.” Dustin’s eyes widened while Billy approached. “Is that Jonathan Byers on the phone?”

“You’re Max’s brother.”

Billy rolled his eyes. “Yeah I am, hand over the phone, kid.”

Dustin passed off the phone and scurried back to his room. Billy looked over to you; you were fast asleep on the couch. You had made a little bed there, which honestly made his heartache. Though his worries faded into a smile when he noticed that you had in fact worn his shirt to bed. He turned his attention back to the phone. “Byers, if it isn’t the man of the hour.”

Jonathan was seething on the other side of the phone. “Billy Hargrove? What the hell are you doing at my girlfriend’s house?”

“Depends Byers. Why did you leave her alone last night?”

“Huh?”

“Why did you leave her stranded at the party? You took that Nancy chick home and left her with no ride. Seems like kind of a shitty thing to do, don’t you think?”

“I figured she’d catch a ride home with Steve or something.”

“Harrington left before you did, for your information. She waited hours for you to come back, but you never did. She had no way to call anyone for help either; the phone went out at Tina’s place. That’s a really shitty thing to do to your supposed girlfriend, don’t you think, Byers?”

“Our relationship has nothing to do with you, Billy.”

“Oh you see, but it does Jonathan. You have one of the sweetest girls in town wrapped around your ugly-ass selfish finger, god only knows why, and you treat her like shit. You’re going to listen to me and listen to me good, Byers. If I hear of you fucking up again, I will find you and smash your fucking face into the sidewalk. Are we clear?”

“What the fuck Billy? You can’t just-”

“I said are we clear? You can’t hurt this girl again. I won’t let you.” With that, Billy hung up the phone. Dustin, the poor kid, was standing in the hallway. He was horrified, but also enthralled.

“Aren’t you supposed to be some kind of major asshole?” Dustin asked.

Billy raised his eyebrow. “How long have you been standing there?”

Dustin shrugged, “Long enough to know you care about my sister, which is something I never thought I would be saying about you. I’ve only ever heard bad things about you. I’m Dustin, by the way. I’m the man of this house and I do not give you permission to date my sister, but I guess if you want to be her friend and look out for her, that’s okay. I don’t like how Jonathan treats her either.”

“Well kid, that definitely makes two of us. I’m Billy, Billy Hargrove.”

“Oh, I know.”

“So… you two have met. What did I sleep through this time?” You asked as you sat up.

“Nothing important, Doll,” Billy replied with a smile.

You looked toward your little brother. “Jonathan called. He’s angry that Billy’s here, and then Billy threatened him like nothing I’ve ever heard.”

“Damn it, kid; you gotta have my back next time.”

Dustin huffed. “I wasn’t gonna lie; she’d find out when she got to school anyway.”

“Jonathan can kiss my ass. How much do you know about last night, Dustin?”

He gulped, “Enough. I’m guessing you drove Billy’s car here?”

“Yeah.” You turned your attention to Billy. “How much do you remember from last night?”

“Oh, I’m pretty sure I remember all of it. It takes a lot more than that to make me blackout drunk.”

You sighed, “I’m not sure if that should be impressive or concerning.”

“Probably both, Doll.” He looked toward the floor for a moment before looking back at you. “Do you want me to take to both to school? I gotta pick up Max, but I’m happy to take you.”

“Is that okay with you, Dustin?” You asked.

“Are you kidding? That’s a 1979 Chevrolet Camaro Z-28.”

You and Billy both chuckled. “Since when are you into cars?”

“Recently.”

You shrugged it off. “Alright, you promise to bring us home later?”

“Of course, I’m not Jonathan. I won’t leave you stranded.”

Dustin laughed at that, and Billy followed him. You snorted and quickly covered your mouth. “Alright, chuckleheads, I’m going to get dressed. You two get your shit together; if we’re picking up Max and planning to get to school mostly on time, we need to get moving.”

Dustin sprinted off toward his room, “Roger that!”

“He’s a stranger, kid, but I like him.”

You nodded to Billy. “Now, the harder part, he has to like you.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that, Doll. He already said I have his permission to be your friend, not allowed to date you, though.”

You rolled your eyes and disappeared into your room.

| < ♥️ > |

You appeared a few minutes later, still wearing Billy’s shirt, just with a pair of oversized jeans with it this time. You all picked up Max, she was confused, but the drive was uneventful. The Hargrove parents were either not home, or they didn’t come outside. Based on how tense Billy was as you pulled up to the house, you suspected that was a blessing.

After a short, quiet drive, you all arrived at school. There were already girls and guys alike staring toward the camaro. Billy could feel you shifting uncomfortably in the passenger seat. “Relax, Doll. If anyone says anything to you about this that upsets you, come find me, especially if Jonathan tries anything, understand?”

“Yep,” You popped your knuckles as a nervous habit. You gave him a soft smile before turning your attention to the kids in the back seat. “Make good choices; I’ll see you both later.”

You had already made eye contact with Jonathan from across the parking lot. “Where are you going?” Dustin asked.

“I have to talk to Jonathan before classes start.” You hopped out of the car before anyone in the car could protest. Before you could get all the way to Jonathan, Carol stepped into your path. “What can I do for you, Carol?”

“I’m just shocked.”

“What about?”

“You and Billy Hargrove? You’re really moving in a sluttier direction than I could have ever could have predicted. You’re usually such a little miss perfect.”

You sighed. “It’s not like that, Carol; nothing happened between Billy and me last night. I ensured he didn’t drink and drive; this morning, he offered my brother and me a ride to school. That’s it.”

“Sure, nothing happened between you and Billy last night.” She moved to whisper in your ear. “You’re just saying that because Jonathan’s right there, right? Oooh! You really are dirty. Don’t worry; your secret is safe with me.”

You rolled your eyes. “Whatever floats your boat.” You pushed passed her.

“If you keep this up with Billy, you could be one of the popular kids before you know it. That’s why you always chased after Steve, right?”

You swung back around. “Excuse me?”

“You liked Steve because he was popular, but you couldn’t have him, so you settled for Jonathan. Now you actually have a popular pretty boy interested in you, but you don’t know what to do with yourself or your useless freaky ex. So, you’re pretending you didn’t sleep with Billy because you don’t want everyone to know how much of a popularity whore you actually are.”

You huffed. “Like I said, whatever whore story floats your boat, Carol. I really don’t give a fuck what you think about me.” You proceeded on your route toward Jonathan without letting her say anything else. “Hey, Jonny.”

“Hey, what the hell happened?”

“Between Billy and me or between you and Nancy?”

“What? Nothing happened between Nancy and me. Did something happen between you and Billy?”

You shook your head. “No, I drove his car back to my place last night because you stranded me there when you left with Nancy. He slept in my bed; I stayed on the couch because I do still have respect for you and our relationship, no matter whatever the fuck stories people are making up.”

“So you didn’t cheat on me?”

“Of course not, jackass. Did you cheat on me?”

“No. I didn’t. Nancy was drunk and I took her home to her place and then went back to my house. I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking clearly. I should have found you before I left with Nancy or came back to get you.”

“All can be forgiven, Jonathan.” You stuck your hand out. “Are we good? Ready to go to class?”

He stepped back. “No, I’m not done yet. There’s stuff I’ve been meaning to talk to you about, but haven’t brought up yet. This whole situation with Billy and Nancy makes me think I should just go ahead and say it.”

“Alright. What’s on your mind Jonny Boy?”

“I think we should break up.”

“Huh?”

He sighed. “You heard me Y/n. Look, our relationship has been breaking down for months; you know that as well as I do. I’m really glad to hear nothing happened between you and Billy last night while we were still together, you are a fantastic girl Y/n, but we are not right for each other. Besides, if you are actually interested in Billy, I think you should go for it. Assholes are usually your type.” All you could do was stare at him. It wasn’t a surprising outcome to this situation, but it still wasn’t an easy thing to hear. You could feel tears welling in your eyes even though you were trying not to let them spill. “C'mon Y/n, please don’t cry.”

“I’m just processing. I’ll ahh… talk to you later, Jonathan.”

| < ♥️ > |

You spent most of your day in the farthest bathroom away from people. It was in the back corner of the school and hardly anyone ever used it. You knew that your breakup was for the best, but it was also incredibly hard to process with everything else that had happened in the last 24 hours. “Y/n?” Oh fuck.

“Yeah Nancy?” You tried your best to make your voice sound whole, but you couldn’t make it happen.

“Do you need anything?”

“No… But thank you.”

“Of course. I know we aren’t super close anymore, but you weren’t in any classes this morning and I was just getting worried.”

You sniffled, but a small smile came onto your face. “I appreciate you, Nancy; really, I do.”

“Yeah, I ran into Jonathan this morning after first period, and he told me that he broke up with you and that he was worried about your mental health with it. And like everything that happened last night. He should have picked better timing.”

You laughed. “Yeah, I could definitely get behind that.”

“I’m so sorry he left you stranded at that party, I can’t believe Billy gave you a ride. If I hadn’t been drinking, things would have gone smoother. I really am sorry.” You could feel how sorry she was.

“Jonathan’s actions aren’t yours, Nancy. I have no hard feelings against you, really. I believe you’re a good person, truly. I just… I’m upset about the breakup and just something Jonathan said. Ugh… boys are honestly the fucking worst, and I really wish I had never gone to the Halloween party, to begin with. I feel like if I hadn’t gone… maybe Jonathan would have waited to dump me? Carol probably wouldn’t be on my ass? Maybe I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed right now? Having so many mixed feelings about Hargrove?” You ranted.

“Boys are the worst.” Nancy agreed. “What happened with Carol?”

You groaned. “She gave me shit in the parking lot for being seen with Billy. She’s definitely somewhere spreading the rumor that I slept with him last night right now. She called me a popularity whore and told me I was getting sluttier. I think the second one was supposed to be a compliment?”

“What on earth? A popularity whore?”

“As Jonathan said, my ‘type is usually assholes’. I guess everyone just sees me as some chick who will dote on any boy who raises her social status.”

“Y/n open the stall door.”

“Huh? Why?”

“Just trust me.”

You sighed and wiped your face dry. You reluctantly opened the door. Nancy’s face softened as she saw your state. “Oh, honey. Y/n, I mean this genuinely, you are kind and sweet. Not everyone; I would even go as far as saying that most people do not see you in a negative light. Carol is just a bitch, and Jonathan shouldn’t have said that. I mean, even if you were interested in Billy, maybe you know something that I don’t about him. Maybe he’ll be a better person with you around; no one knows everything about another person, or what the future holds. Maybe Carol sees you as a whore, and Jonathan sees Billy as an asshole. Who cares? That’s what they think. I think you are wonderful and I know Steve does too. I don’t know how to feel about Billy, but it seems like you don’t either. And that’s okay for now.”

Your heart did a flip at the mention of Steve’s name. You wanted to know if he was okay after everything last night, but it was so late by the time you got home that you didn’t want to call him. And she was right about your feelings on Billy. Your head was never clear with that boy on your mind. Maybe he was a total shitbag; perhaps he was a villain to everyone, but you. You didn’t know that much about him yet. There was still time to figure things out. “Thank you, Nancy, really.”

“Of course.” She pulled you into a quick hug. You patted her back gently for a moment before pulling away. You honestly wished it was longer; you felt like you needed a good hug. “Do you want to walk with me to the gym? I need to talk to Steve after last night, but I don’t really want to leave you here by yourself; that doesn’t feel right.”

“Sure, I’ll walk with you.”

“Alright, we’ll head that way now.”

| < ♥️ > |

The gym wasn’t a far walk; you and Nancy arrived shortly after leaving the bathroom. You trailed behind her a-ways. You told her you didn’t want to disrupt her and Steve’s conversation. You’d just be waiting in the gym for them to get back. Nancy called out to her boyfriend, who was playing on the court. Well, he was standing on the edge of the court. Billy was at the center, smiling and laughing. You assumed they were on opposite sides, and Billy had just made a basket. Steve looked cute, his hair was messy, and he had his hands on his hips. He looked at you briefly. His face was concerned, but soon, his eyes went from yours to Nancy’s, and his expression turned to one of dread. She motioned him to follow her, and he did, tossing you a sympathetic look as he walked by. You hadn’t caught a glimpse of your face since the break-up, but you were sure it wasn’t pretty. You had felt pretty good about yourself when you walked out of your room this morning, but Jonathan had knocked the air out of your lungs. You leaned up against the bleachers and began playing with your nails. It was hard to make yourself look in Billy’s direction, so you kept your eyes glued to your hands. You wanted to believe that he could be a good person somewhere in his heart; he had been nothing, but kind to you. However, you knew what people said about him. What Dustin told you this morning about his tone with Jonathan wasn’t exactly pleasing. Was it protective? Scary? Asshole-ish? You felt like your thoughts were all jumbled up in your brain. “Hey Doll, come to watch me play?”

You could feel him standing next to you now, but you didn’t look up. “I was hanging out with Nancy. I told her I’d wait here for her to come back.” Your voice still sounded sore.

You could feel Billy’s demeanor change. His aura was frightening. “What happened?”

“Nothing happened. I’m okay, just waiting.”

“Then look at me.”

“I’d rather not.”

He chuckled, but you could feel that he was upset. “What? Flustered by the fact that I’m shirtless?”

“No, not that either. I’m just, thinking about important stuff.”

The basketball he had been holding in his hands was soon tossed back toward the court. You could hear it bouncing away. “Come play with us, Hargrove!” Tommy called.

“In a minute!” Billy snapped back. You could hear the players’ feet begin to move again. No one dared to argue with Billy. “You can stop thinking about your ‘important stuff’ for a minute to look at me. Show me your face.”

You shook your head and shrunk into yourself more. You saw his hand reach for your chin, but he stopped himself. “Billy-”

“Show me your face, Doll.” You said nothing. He wiggled the tips of his fingers in front of you. “May I?” You gave him a small nod. You felt powerless in the situation, yet somehow safe.

His hand connected with your chin and cheek. You felt him huff in anger at the dampness of your skin. He gently turned your head to make you look at him. You didn’t look him in the eye, but you didn’t have to. His fingers squeezed your skin slightly; he was furious. “What happened, sweetheart?”

You shook your head lightly. His fingers moved with your skin. His thumbpad was burning a hole in your jaw. “Nothing important.”

“Don’t try that,” he shot back. His tone was sterner than you’ve ever heard from him. “You’ve obviously been crying. If it was something I did, tell me and I’ll leave you alone.”

“No no, it wasn’t you, Billy.”

“Then who was it?” You connected your eyes with his, and you instantly looked away again. His intense gaze was too much for you to bare with how many emotions you were feeling at the moment.

“Jonathan dumped me this morning. Nancy found me sobbing in the bathroom and asked me to come with her here because she felt like she couldn’t leave me alone, but she needed to see Steve, for obvious reasons.”

“Say the word and I will beat him to a pulp.”

“I don’t want you to do that, Billy.”

“What can I do, Sweetheart?”

“Can you… can you give me a hug?”

His fingers slid off of your chin and his hand fell to his side. “But I’m all sweaty from playing-”

“I’m going to be real with you, Billy. At this point, I really just don’t care.”

He opened his arms. “Alright.”

You gently wrapped your arms around his middle and squeezed. You felt his chest rise and fall before he wrapped one arm around your back and rested the other on the back of your head. He was sticky, but you buried your face in his chest anyway. You felt your eyes become wet again and a rattled sob escaped your throat. Billy’s grip on you tightened. “Y/n?”

You tried to move from Billy’s arms to look in the direction of the person who called your name, but Billy kept you locked in place. “Shut up, Harrington. Can’t you see we’re having a moment?”

You could feel Steve walking up behind you. His hand landed on your shoulder, “Nancy is waiting for you in the hall. We have a game to finish when you’re okay to leave, Y/n.”

“Harrington I swear-”

“It’s okay Billy,” you wiggled yourself free of his grasp and wiped your cheeks. Steve’s hand fell to his side. “I’ll be fine. Nancy is in pretty much the rest of my classes. I’ll see you around. Thank you.”

You turned your attention to Steve. His face became more worried as he saw yours. “Y/n what happened?”

“Don’t worry about it, Stevie, just Jonathan. I’ll catch up with you later, yeah? Lunch?”

“Are you sitting with Nancy?”

You shrugged. “Probably not. She usually sits with Jonathan and I’m not really big on the idea of sitting with him. If you end up alone, I’ll be in the library during lunch period.”

| < ♥️ > |

Billy watched Steve closely for the rest of the game. Why was Steve invited to lunch and not him? Probably because they’re scared of Tommy and Carol. Billy wasn’t sure why he felt so protective of you, but he did and he was going to listen to his gut. He very vividly remembered the night before. He originally went up to you because he wanted to piss off Steve and Jonathan, and he thought you were cute as a bonus. Then, you two started talking. He watched your expressions and he felt like you could be broken so easily. For some reason, he didn’t want any of that to happen to you and he vocalized that to you because he was drunk. Then, he punched the shit out of Tommy for pouring beer on you. He didn’t regret it at all, even though he passed Tommy a quick ‘I’m sorry man’ under his breath that morning. As long as you let him be around you, he would be. It was almost like he had a real crush, rather than just lust. But am I really capable of that?

Billy caught himself staring at Steve while they were showering after gym. He knew he was bisexual. Steve was technically someone he hated, but he also was good-looking and Billy’s type. He didn’t want his feelings to get mixed up though, he was curious what Steve was thinking about the older Henderson. “Don’t sweat it Harrington; today’s just not your day, man.”

“Yeah, not your week,” Tommy laughed, “you and the princess break up for one day and she’s already running off with the freak’s brother.”

Billy shot Tommy a look and Tommy stepped away from the showers. Billy turned his attention back toward Steve. “Don’t take it too hard man, pretty boy like you’s got nothing to worry about… Plenty of bitches in the sea.” Billy turned off the water on Steve’s shower. “Am I right?”

Steve looked at Billy intently. “Like Y/n?”

Billy locked his jaw. “Not like Y/n.”

“What do you want from her, Hargrove?”

Billy leaned against the metal pole of the shower. “Why do you care, Harrington?”

“Because she’s my friend and I don’t want her to get hurt by a scumbag like you,” Steve fired back. “She’s been through enough as it is. She doesn’t need you fucking her life up. Jonathan’s a nice guy, and he made her sob. I don’t want to even think about what an asshole like you has planned.”

“Well, lucky for me Harrington, you don’t get to decide if I hang around her or not, but for your information, I have no bad intentions with our angel, Y/n. In fact, think of me as her new bodyguard. I’ll stick around to make sure no man in this school ever hurts her again, which also means, you can’t get close to her either. If you even think about meeting her in the library, alone, today, Harrington, I will absolutely kick your ass,” Billy seethed.

Steve chuckled in disbelief. “You are absolutely batshit insane; you know that Hargrove? You can’t stop me from hanging out with her; we’ve been friends for a lot longer than you’ve been around. I appreciate the body guarding, though; the guys in this school treat her like shit.” Steve pointed at Billy. “If she tells me a single bad thing that you do to her, I will set your ass on fire, Billy.”

Steve walked away from the showers, but he could still hear Billy laughing. “Looks like we have a bit of a competition going, Harrington! I can’t wait to win.”

| < ♥️ > |

Nancy walked with you to your class, but it wasn’t long until Jonathan walked up to you both. He asked Nancy to come with him for something. You were civil; you told them that it was fine and that you would be okay by yourself. Nancy was reluctant, but Jonathan seemed persistent, so she ended up going with him. You went to your classes and eventually made your way to the library for lunch. You found yourself a little table in the corner and sat down. You pulled a book from your bag and began to read it as you picked at your food. You knew Steve may show up at some point, but you also knew he might not. He would sometimes join you in the library to avoid being around Jonathan. You knew that Steve didn’t mind the older Byers brother most of the time, but the two didn’t have much in common. Steve struggled socially more than you knew he cared to admit. Sometimes, he wasn’t up for dealing with Tommy’s jeering and Jonathan’s awkward nature. Sometimes, he just sat in the library with you. Nancy always wanted to talk to Jonathan at lunch because they didn’t have many classes together and would pair off. You didn’t mind, you spent so much time at the Byers house you felt like you were with Jonathan 24/7, even when you weren’t. You didn’t know what you were going to do now. All you knew is that you wanted to avoid the normal lunch room.

“Hey y/n sorry I’m late. My crazy-ass science teacher kept us late, AGAIN.” Steve gave you a small smile as he sat down across from you. He had a tray from the cafeteria with pizza, a brownie, and some leftover sugary cereal from their breakfast service.

You laughed. “Really Steve?”

“What? It’s the lunch of champions.”

You rolled your eyes. “Sure it is.”

He took a big bite of his pizza. Normally, he had a snappy comeback for everything you said. Today, he just continued to munch on his pizza and stared into the void of the swirling wood grains on the table. “So you and Hargrove?”

You groaned and put down your book. “Ugh, not you too, Steve.”

Steve quirked his eyebrow and took another bite of his pizza. “I mean… what I saw in the gym today didn’t exactly seem friend…like.”

You sighed. “I really just needed a hug today. I still need a hug to be honest with you, Steve. Jonathan really upset me this morning. I know our breakup was for the best, but just the way he went about it makes me feel like such shit. I want to go home and curl up in my bed and die.”

“Don’t beat yourself down like that, Y/n. I’m sure whatever Jonathan said about you isn’t true and-”

“But the thing is, Steve, it is true. He just made a comment about my choice of… male friends and I know it was directed at Billy and at you to an extent. It just made me feel like everyone sees me like Carol does. Like I’m just some popularity whore and only keep the company I do to gain the respect of other students. The truth is, I seem to befriend partiers, popular kids, and sometimes assholes because I like it when other people can pull me out of my shell. I just never want you or Nancy to see me like that. I really like hanging out with you and her Steve! And I don’t know how I feel about Billy right now, but I would love to just be able to explore those relationships without input from people like Carol and Jonathan, you know?”

Steve set his pizza crust back on his plate. “Yeah I do, Y/n. I’m so sorry I dragged you and Nancy and Barb into the same circles as people like Tommy and Carol. I enjoy being around you too and I don’t see you as someone greedy, needy, or weird like that, I promise. I don’t know exactly what Jonathan said to you, and you don’t have to tell me now, but if you need someone to talk to I’ll listen. I don’t always know what to say, but I will always listen.”

“I really appreciate you a lot, Steve, really.”

“I’m always going to be here for you. I know I haven’t always been a good friend to you, but you’ve stuck by me through all the bullshit. I want you to know that I have your back too… and that you’re not allowed to die until after I’m dead. I don’t think I could function very well without our library lunches.”

You laughed at his last comment. “Alright. No burying myself in blankets later and dying.”

“Good! Now, do you want some cereal?”

“I mean why not at this point.”

| < ♥️ > |

The rest of your day was a blur. You went to your classes and just sort of zoned out until it was time for you to move to the next place. Before you knew it, Dustin was running up next to you as you made your way out of school, and Max was trailing behind him. “How are you, Y/n? You look like shit.”

“Thanks, little bro,” you huffed. “I feel like shit.”

“Are you and Jonathan still together?”

“No…”

“Huh? Really?”

“No, Dustin. I and Jonathan are not still together,” You said. “I really don’t want to talk about it. I’m just not feeling too snazzy after everything, you know?”

He nodded. “That’s okay; I’m sorry.”

“You’re fine, Dusty. I’m just worn out.”

Max was watching you curiously. Billy was leaning against his car off in the distance while smoking. He was watching you all walk to him. “So you’re single now?”

“Yeah, Kid, I am.”

She nodded and smiled a bit. “Sorry to bring it up. Just confirming something. Are you doing okay otherwise?”

“Yeah, I’m okay. So excited to be heading home, though.”

“Hey! Henderson!” You and your brother both flung your heads to the left as you heard the sound of your last name. It came from Steve. Your little trio came to a stop a few cars away from Billy’s.

“I’m assuming you meant me.”

He rolled his eyes. “Yes, Henderson, elder.”

“What can I do for you, Harrington?”

He looked away briefly. He was looking in Billy’s general direction, but you couldn’t confirm that he was looking at him. He opened his arms wide. “You said you still needed a hug when we were talking earlier. I forgot to offer you one when we were leaving the library.”

You chuckled a bit. “That’s very sweet of you, Steve.” You wrapped your arms around his middle, much like you had done with Billy earlier in the day. Your hands were locked together, under his brown leather jacket. The material of his shirt was soft and warm. He squeezed you tightly as he wrapped his arms around your shoulders. He rocked side to side with you. It was honestly one of the most comforting hugs you had ever received.

Steve sneakily looked toward Billy who’s face was red with rage. Steve just shot the other boy a smile. He turned his attention back to you and pulled away. “Make sure you get some sleep tonight and if you need anything I should be at my place. Don’t be afraid to call the house.”

“Thank you, Steve. I’ll be sure to call you if I need anything.”

He patted Dustin on his shoulder. “Take care of her today, you hear me?”

Dustin nodded stiffly. “Yep!”

Steve looked like he was about to leave, but he traced his eyes across your frame again, and something clicked. “Is that Hargrove’s shirt?”

You looked down at yourself. “Sure enough, it is.”

Steve scoffed and pulled off his jacket. “Put this on, it’ll confuse the fuck out of Carol.”

Carol and Tommy were just across the way, standing by his car. They were trying to make it seem like they weren’t watching, but they definitely were. You took the jacket from Steve’s hands and put it on. “Fantastic plan, Steve.”

He winked. “Anytime.” With that, he started to walk off toward his car.

“Come on children, let’s not keep Billy waiting anymore.” You started walking toward Billy’s car again. The two middle schoolers followed your lead. You could see that Max was eyeing you closely, but you didn’t want to push and ask her why.

You could see that Billy was irritated, but he did his best to cover it up as you approached his car. He took one last drag from his cigarette before stomping it out under his shoe. “Hello, Hargrove.”

“Hey, Y/n.” He gently grabbed your upper arm and pulled you against him into a hug. You sort of fell into his chest and felt his arms wrap around your back.

“Billy?”

You wrapped your arms slowly around him. For the first time since you met him, he seemed fragile. He planted his face into the crook of your neck and you felt his body relax a little bit. “Little shitheads, get in the car,” he said to the middle school siblings.

“Say it nicer, Billy, or I’ll stop hugging you.”

You could feel his grumbling vocal cords. “Little shitheads, lovingly, get in the car.”

Dustin rolled his eyes and pulled the passenger door open. “Your new friend is weird, Y/n. For hugs, I’m giving a point to Steve. After you, Max.”

Billy mumbled something under his breath, but you couldn’t understand it. He didn’t say anything audible until both middle schoolers were in the car. Billy pulled you off him and placed his hands firmly on either side of your face. It doesn’t feel aggressive, just stern. “Lovingly, what the hell was that?”

“What was what?”

“You, just now, hugging Steve?”

He’s upset about me hugging Steve? “Oh! I told him I still needed a hug earlier today, so he offered to give me one as he was leaving.”

“So why did you accept his jacket?”

“To piss off and confuse Carol.”

“Carol?”

“Tommy’s girlfriend, with him by his car right now. She called me some nasty shit in the parking lot this morning in relation to us being seen together.” Billy looked past your head toward Tommy’s car. He showed no care in the world toward the fact that the couple could see him staring. He couldn’t help, but feel like it was his fault.

“I’ll make sure the bitch never speaks to you again.”

“Don’t do anything bad to her, Hargrove. I’d love for her to leave me the fuck alone, but not at the cost of you going to jail or something.”

He laughed. “Don’t worry about stuff like that sweetheart. I’m not going anywhere.”

| < ♥️ > |

Your time at home was spent mostly in your room. Steve, Nancy, and Billy did all truly improve your mood when you were at school, but as night fell and you were alone, your self esteem began to shrink. Before he dropped you off, Billy slipped you the phone number for his house, but he told you only to call if it were any emergency. You didn’t quite know why, but you suspected that his dad was much like yours when you were a child and he was still around. You didn’t want to call him and get him into any kind of trouble.

You were crying. Your brother knew you were crying. He told you to call Nancy and he so wished that Barb was still around so you could have called her too. Nancy’s family phone fell flat. It rang, connected for a moment, and then hung up. You assumed her parents caught the call before she did and you didn’t dare call again. Dustin wouldn’t step into the living room, he was peering in from down the hall. He didn’t want to see what state you were in. He knew it was bad. “Just call Steve, Y/n. He’ll come over. His parents are never home so it would just be him there, right?”

“Yeah… I will.” You knew only four numbers; Jonathan’s, Barb’s, Steve’s, and Nancy’s. You knew that Joyce would be sympathetic toward you and she would always consider you family. She had told you that many times before, but you felt like you couldn’t go to her with this. It was, at the end of the day, about your relationship with Jonathan after all.

You dialed Steve’s number and mumbled a prayer that he would pick up. Thankfully, your prayers were answered. “Hello?”

“Hey, Steve. I’m sorry it’s so late.” You choked up on your tears. Your throat felt like it was trying to swallow itself. “Would you want to come over and watch a movie or something? I’m not doing so hot. I tried to call Nancy, but she didn’t pick up.”

He sounded sleepy at first, but his next sentences sounded much more awake. He realized how upset you were. “Yeah, I don’t mind. I already got some sleep in, so I can be up with you however long you are awake.”

“Thanks, Steve, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I’ll be over soon! Just don’t do anything stupid before I get there.” He hung up the line quickly. You assumed he was rushing around trying to gather his belongings.

You sighed in relief and turned to Dustin. “He’s gonna come over and we’re gonna watch a movie. You can go to bed if you’d like. I’m sorry for keeping you awake.”

“It’s okay, Y/n. You’ll be okay until Steve gets here?”

“Yeah, I will.”

“Alright, goodnight, sis.”

“Night, Dusty.”

| < ♥️ > |

Steve slouched his back against the couch seat. You were almost asleep, sprawled out on the couch itself. Steve didn’t mind his spot on the floor, you had given him a blanket, and he wanted you to fall asleep. When he arrived at your house, he could see the tears in your eyes and tiredness in the lines of your face. He sat himself on the floor and you tried to argue for him to sit on the couch, but he denied it. He told you to lay down and he’d pick a movie. You eventually agreed and grabbed blankets for the both of you from your room. Now, it was almost time for the sun to come up and you were sleepily watching poltergeist. “Thank you for coming over Steve, I really do appreciate it, Steve.”

“What friends are for, Y/n,” he replied. “You okay?”

“Feeling a little silly for getting so upset. We’re just kids, but everything always feels so life or death in our world. I just, I don’t want to lose the Byers family in my life. Joyce is like my second mom and Will is a sweetheart. Jonathan’s not a bad person, he just made me sad you know? Like maybe eventually we could be friends again? After I’ve healed and stuff?”

Steve looked toward you and it felt like his eyes were pouring into your soul. “You’re not silly for wanting some company. Breakups are hard, okay? And like with him and his family and stuff, I’m sure you could be close to them still if you wanted. Jonathan doesn’t seem like the vengeful type or anything.”

“Thanks again, Steve.”

“Of course.”

He smiled at you briefly before turning his head back to the movie. He knew it wouldn't be long before you fell asleep now. He was glad, he knew you needed the rest. It had been a rough Halloween for everyone, but you and him especially. It felt like Nancy and Jonathan were pushing you each out. He didn’t know what to do or necessarily what to say. He just wanted you to feel safe and as calm as possible. Sleep seemed to be the easiest way to do that. He looked back toward you, your chest was rising and falling rhythmically. He breathed out in relief. You were fast asleep and he felt confident enough to close his own eyes. It was time for both of you to get some rest.

| < ♥️ > |

Steve awoke a few hours later because the living room phone was making a lot of racket. Steve groaned, but soon quieted when he realized that you were still asleep. He knew that you could sleep through a lot, but he decided to rush to the phone since there was no sign of Dustin stirring. He didn’t want it to keep ringing and possibly wake you. He picked the phone up off the wall and cleared his throat. “Henderson residence, Steve speaking, all the Hendersons are asleep right now, can I take a message for anyone?”

Steve heard a noise coming from the other side of the phone, it almost sounded like a growl. “What the fuck are you doing at Henderson’s house, Harrington?” Oh fuck, not this asshole. Why is he calling her?

“Hargrove… Why are you calling Y/n at like 8 in the morning?”

“Why are you at her house, answering her phone?” Billy asked.

Steve bit his lip. He knew that you would probably be upset with him for provoking Billy, but he couldn’t resist the temptation. The dude was crazy and possessive. Steve was annoyed with himself for finding Billy at all attractive. His first priority in this situation was to keep you safe, his confusing feelings toward Billy didn’t matter and while he didn’t want to upset you, he wanted to do what he thought was best. “She was having a hard time last night so she asked me to come over and watch movies. So, again I ask, why are you calling her? And why so goddamn early in the morning?”

“I was calling to check in on her; breakups can be painful. Pretty girls like her shouldn’t be abandoned in their times of need. I just wanted to give her some comfort.”

Steve could hear the smugness in Billy’s voice and oh god it pissed him off. “You and I both know that’s bullshit Hargrove, you just want to take advantage of her while she’s vulnerable.”

“I would never do that, Harrington. That’s low, even for me.”

“I-”

“Steve?” You called. “Is that Billy on the phone?”

Shit shit shit shit. I woke her up.

He knew he couldn’t lie to you about it, Billy would just tell you and then you’d be mad at him. “Yeah, it is.”

You shuffled over to the phone, still wrapped in your blanket. You had draped it around your shoulders. Steve found it endearing. You stuck out your hand for him to give you the phone. He was hesitant, but he did hand it over. “Hey, Billy.”

You could feel his smile radiating through the phone. “Hey, Doll. What’s that jackass doing at your house?”

You rolled your eyes. “I would appreciate it if you and Steve at least pretended to like each other and while I have no obligation to tell you, I will. Steve came over last night, late because my brother was ready for sleep, but didn’t want to leave me awake alone. I was struggling pretty bad with feelings about the breakup.”

Billy sighed. “Just for you, I will try to show Harrington some form of respect, as long as he shows some back.”

You smiled. “I’ll let him know. I do very much appreciate your cooperation. Now, why did you call?”

Billy was fiddling with his fingertips. He did his best to seem stable around you, even if he failed, at least he was trying. Though, he felt like he was slipping. “Well, I was wondering if you would want to go on a date tonight? We could get to know each other better and take things slow if that’s the pace you’re comfortable with.”

You let out a sigh. You were honestly interested. What would a date with Billy Hargrove be like? However, you knew that there was a possibility that he was lying about his intentions to get closer to you. You didn’t want to believe that because the version of him that you knew was protective and unyielding, yet sweet and soft, but you knew that it was a strong possibility.

“Doll?” His voice brought you back to reality. “You can say no. I won’t hold it against you if you aren’t ready.”

“No no. We could try. Just caught me off guard, that’s all. You promise, take it slow?”

“I would wait a lifetime for one date with you, Doll.”

Your face flushed. Steve quirked his eyebrow at you. “When?”

“Tonight. 7 o’clock. I’ll pick you up.”

“Alright, I’ll see you then.”

“Until then.” Billy hung up the phone.

You put the phone back on the hook and looked toward Steve. “What did he want?”

“He asked me if we could hang out later. I said yes, I know you’ll have to leave at some point and I’d rather not be alone today. I like company when I’m sad, you know?”

“Uh-huh.” Steve’s expression told you that he was unconvinced. You felt bad for giving him half of the truth, but you knew him well. He was one of your good friends. He would definitely not approve of you officially going on a date with Billy.

“Promise I’ll reach out to you if I need to afterward. Plus, I still carry pepper spray after that whole monster thing last year.”

“Fair enough…” He still seemed displeased with your answer, but he appeared to brush it off. “You want breakfast? We could go to the diner and bring something back for Dustin?”

You smiled. “That sounds lovely.”

| < ♥️ > |

Steve left reluctantly around noon. Dustin could be heard making a lot of noise in his room, but the odd crashing sound coming from there was not out of the ordinary. You put on a little black dress that you had purchased with a date with Jonathan in mind, but you didn’t care. It was something you felt good in and you wanted to feel cute. You called Billy after Steve left and nailed down some details. You knew that you would be getting food and going from there. This dress with a pair of your converse was a perfect middle ground. Did it look a little silly wearing a kind of fancy dress with converse? Yes, but they were in style and comfortable. You got ready around 4 before heading down to the local store to pick up a fresh tube of your favorite lipstick. You didn’t realize how low it was until you went to use it and the stub you had left crumbled on your lips. It was just the local general store, but they sold a few makeup things here and there. This particular lipstick was cheap and good. You were a little relieved when you discovered that Joyce wasn’t working, just because it made your trip easier on your anxiety. Everything was going to plan until you saw Steve in your driveway with Dustin and his nail-filled bat. The boys looked over toward your car, and Dustin ran up to your window. You rolled it down. “I’m so glad you’re here— why are you dressed like a stereotypical high school bimbo?”

You rolled your eyes and got out of the car. You didn’t bother to roll your window up; you were too focused on what the hell to say. “Gee, thanks, Dustin.”

“Steve quit gawking!” Dustin spat over his shoulder. He turned back to you. “Do you have plans?”

“Yeah actually.”

“Not anymore! Steve is here because I may have accidentally raised a baby Demogorgon and it may be in our storm shelter.”

“YOU DID WHAT?”

| < ♥️ > |

You couldn’t believe how quickly you got sucked into this mess again. Steve and Dustin filled you in on everything they knew, but unfortunately, Dart was nowhere to be found when you opened the storm shelter. You came up with the plan to lure him to the junkyard, so now the three of you were walking towards it along the train tracks. You were trailing a little bit behind the boys, trying not to get meat juice on your dress. This is not exactly what you had in mind when you put it on.

The boys were up ahead talking about crushes and girls. You knew that Dustin was talking about Max; you could just tell. It was kind of wholesome. Steve was talking about how he made connections with girls and it sounded like a bunch of nonsense to you. Though, it made perfect sense for how Steve’s relationships went before he started dating Nancy. “Then you just wait until… until you feel it.”

You rolled your eyes. You felt like you were intruding on their conversation in a weird way, so you tried to ignore it for a bit. You focused on the crunching stones beneath your feet and the sloshing of the meat-filled bucket in your hands. How could this all be happening again? Is Hawkins already in danger? I feel like we just stopped the monsters of the Upside Down yesterday. “What type is Nancy?”

You perked up at the sound of the other girl’s name. You couldn’t hold back your curiosity. “Nancy’s different. She’s different than the other girls.” Different than me.

“Yeah, she seems pretty special, I guess,” Dustin replied.

“Yeah. Yeah, she is,” Steve answered. You knew you shouldn’t be jealous of Nancy. Steve had never seen you as anything other than a friend, and he probably never will. You needed to be happy for them. They were a cute couple, after all.

“But this girl’s special, too, you know. It’s just, like, something about her,” Dustin said. It made your heart swell. It was the first time Dustin ever talked about anyone romantically, at least as far as you knew.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey.” Steve stopped Dustin from walking.

“What?”

“You’re not falling in love with this girl, are you?”

“Uh, no. No.”

“Okay, good. Don’t.”

“I won’t.”

“She’s only gonna break your heart, and you’re way too young for that shit,” Steve said as he looked toward the ground.

Their pause was enough for you to catch up to them. “You alright, Steve?”

“Yeah? Yeah, I’m alright. How are you doing, Party Dress ?”

You looked down at your outfit. “Listen, I didn’t exactly have time to change before heading out monster hunting.”

“Yeah, but like, why were you dressed like that in the first place?”

Yikes. “Just going out with some friends. It’s the weekend, after all.”

“You have friends other than Steve and Nancy?” Dustin asked.

You elbowed him. “Yes. I do happen to have other friends.”

“Oh really? I sure would like to meet them sometime, Y/n,” Steve teased. His face fell, and his tone became more serious. “You can tell me the truth; you can do whatever you want; I’m not gonna be mad at you or anything like that.”

You shrugged. “It’s not like it matters anyway; monster hunting is more important than dinner.” You turned to your little brother. “I think it’s cute that you like Max. You can act on those feelings or you can just let them be, it’s up to you, but whatever you do, show her you care.”

“That’s literally the exact opposite of what Steve just told me. And how did you know it’s Max?”

“Yeah, I know. You’re my brother. I can read you like the back of my hand.” You smiled at him. “Steve is a great guy, but I do disagree with the idea of acting like you don’t care. Caring about your friends and partners is a really important aspect of maintaining relationships. Even if someone likes the cool guy act, they still want to know that the person they’re interested care about them.

You turned your attention back to Steve. “You can say you don’t all you want, but you do actually care, like a lot. And it’s sweet and it’s endearing. You’ve changed so much since we met, Steve. You show that you care all the time now.”

He chuckled awkwardly, in the way that he does when he’s been complimented and doesn’t know how to handle it. “Thanks, Y/n.”

“Of course, now Steve, why don’t you give my brother your hair secrets?”

| < ♥️ > |

Lucas and Max appeared at the Junkyard just as night was beginning to fall. You all decided that the best course of action was to hold up in a bus and wait for Dart to appear. It was hard work getting the space set up, but you were hoping it would be worth it. Steve was leaning against a wall of the bus and you were sitting next to him. The clicking of his lighter was somehow comforting. It sort of reminded you that you were alone out here with the kids; you had another high schooler you could count on to help you if anything went wrong with this plan. Your stomach was twisted in knots. Something in your gut was telling you that things were going to go wrong. “So you really fought one of these things before?” Max asked.

Steve nodded to her. You played with the skin around your fingers. “Yeah.”

Steve placed his hand on your shoulder. “It’s gonna be okay, Y/n.”

“And you’re, like, totally, 100% sure it wasn’t a bear?” She questioned.

You sighed. “I wish it was just a bear.”

“Shit. Don’t be an idiot. Okay? It wasn’t a bear. Why are you even here if you don’t believe us? Just go home.” Dustin spat. He was pacing around the bus. You were honestly shocked by his tone. He sounded quite mean.

“Dustin!” You scolded.

“What? You know damn well it’s not a bear!”

Max rolled her eyes and stood up from her place in the corner of the bus. “Geesh. Someone’s cranky. Past your bedtime?” She climbed up the ladder to sit on the roof with Lucas. Steve praised him for acting like he doesn’t care.

You huffed and shot Steve a glare. “Don’t encourage him to act like that Steve. Max helped us set up and while she’s sassy, she’s only been helpful to us. Treat her with some respect. Your behavior gives me the ick, Dustin.”

He sighed, and Steve took his hand off of your shoulder. “Sorry, Sis.”

“I’m not the one you should be apologizing to, Dustin. I know we are all tense, and this is a scary situation, but that’s not an excuse. There is a difference between acting like a cool guy and being a cool guy, you know?”

Steve was about to say something, but the conversation was interrupted by wailing in the distance. Lucas got eyes on Dart a few seconds later. You grabbed a large knife that Steve had been carrying in his backpack and watched the creature closely through the grates of the bus. Dart didn’t take the bait, and Steve looked like he was getting a wild idea. “Maybe he’s sick of cow.” He tossed Dustin his lighter and started to move toward the door.

“Don’t you dare do what I think you’re gonna do,” You warned. “You’re not leaving this bus.”

“I’ll be okay, Y/n. Just get ready.” You followed Steve to the door, but couldn’t make yourself step out of the bus. Christmas Lights. Fighting this thing in bursts. Setting the house on fire. Your brain was swirling with too many thoughts. You were so caught up in your thoughts, that you almost missed the second monster coming up behind Steve.

Before you could think, you were running out of the bus. “Steve!” You shouted as you managed to stab the creature. It screamed, and the noise attracted Steve’s attention. The worst realization that you both had at that moment, is that there were more than two monsters. Steve ducked and rolled on the hood of a broken-down car to avoid getting bit. You dodged the creatures as best you could in your very inconvenient outfit. “Steve! Y/n! Abort! Abort! OH GOD, Y/N!” You could hear your brother’s voice, but you couldn’t concentrate on what direction it was coming from. Nothing was really making sense anymore. Your eyes were going fuzzy, and your body felt like it was melting into jello. Soon, all the noises around you felt like they were coming from above water while you sank further down into an abyss of darkness.

| < ♥️ > |

To be continued...

[gonzo-rella]

The Queer Best Friends of Steve Harrington | Robin Buckley (ft. Steve Harrington) (pt. 1)

MASTERLIST | AO3 | KO-FI

PART ONE | PART TWO (COMING SOON)

Relationship(s): Robin Buckley x gn!reader (romantic), Steve Harrington x gn!reader (platonic), Steve Harrington x Robin Buckley (platonic)

Summary: Whilst coming out to Steve, Robin reveals something equally shocking to the revelation of her sexuality.

Warnings: Coming out scene. (Let me know if I need to add any)

Word count: 1.4k

(A/N: This has been an idea I’ve wanted to write for literal years. I found this as a semi-finished draft of my old plus-size-reader-insert blog from back in the day (by that I mean, a few years ago). I haven’t yet finished Stranger Things season 4 (I’m hoping to rewatch the show in its entirety soon, possibly after I’ve finished Yellowjackets), but I still really wanted to write this. Also, as a nonbinary person, I really want to write more gender neutral reader-inserts for Robin, so let me know if there’s anything you’d like for me to write. Also, ignore the fact that Steve uses gender neutral pronouns for you but fails to immediately comprehend Robin’s queerness.)

Cheating death was sure to bond two people, and that’s how you and Steve- a pair of reluctant babysitters- were able to put your differences aside and keep a group of misfit kids out of harm’s way. He didn’t care that hanging out with you meant he was no longer cool, and you didn’t mind that a few girls were insanely envious of you. If anything, it inflated your ego, even if they did whisper about you behind your back.

Over the summer, you saw Steve as much as possible. After all, you were too broke to go on vacation, you didn’t want to hitchhike around the country and you had no one else to hang out with. So, you decided just to hang out with your best friend as much as possible. And, what are friends for if not for allowing their friends to abuse their friends and family discount at their place of work? After all, he abused your 7/11 discount over the past year, so of course you abused his Scoops Ahoy discount. Every. Single. Shift. Hell, you only ever really showed any interest in his work when you were asking when his next shift was. Then you’d make sure to go and pay him a visit, like the good friend you were.

You were often so busy talking to Steve at the campy ice cream parlour that you didn’t notice the curious, gazing eyes of the beautiful girl behind the counter. You remembered Robin from many of your shared classes. You exchanged the occasional comment in class, earning quiet laughs from one another. Little did you know, she’d found her gaze wandering to you long before she started working with your best friend. In fact, other than the fact that she was in the school marching band, you knew very little about her.

That was until the end of the second week of summer, when Steve was in the back room of Scoops Ahoy.

“Hey, Robin,” you greeted casually, as though you were good friends rather than just barely acquaintances.

“Oh...um...hey, Y/N,” she greeted awkwardly, straightening herself into a nonchalant-looking pose rather than her bored, hunched-over position at the counter. “H-how’s it going?”

“Eh. Could be better, could be worse, y’know?” you shrugged. “What about you?”

“Um... I’m fine, I guess. Well, as fine as you can be when you leave the house dressed like this,” Robin answered with a small gesture to her outfit, earning a laugh and smile from you that made butterflies flutter in her stomach.

“Your uniform looks better on you than Steve’s looks on him,” you shrugged, the compliment heating up Robin’s cheeks. “To think he was once the king of Hawkins High.”

Robin smiled a little and chuckled. 

“Speaking of the king of Hawkins High, do you want me to get his highness from the backroom?” she asked. 

Luckily for her, you hadn’t noticed the way she was staring at you, because you had been too busy flicking through and counting dollar bills in your wallet.

You glanced up at her and flashed her a smile.

“Yeah, thanks.”

After that day, you spoke to Robin a lot more often. In fact, you asked her if she wanted to go to your house and watch the copy of A Nightmare on Elm Street that you’d finally been able to rent. Following that, you hung out with one another far more often, be it at the movie theatre, somewhere else in the mall or at one another’s houses. Steve was definitely a little jealous that his best friend was being stolen, something that you and Robin most definitely noticed and most definitely teased him for.

It was shaping up to be a normal summer, but that’s just not what you get in Hawkins. At least after you’ve been roped into the town’s self-appointed team of defenders.

Of course, it wasn’t long before you were in charge of a very drugged-up Steve and Robin, as well as Robin and Erica. You clearly weren’t as good a babysitter as you’d thought when you lost the elder two of the four, who you would later discover were now sat in the bathroom. 

Whilst you were rushing around the mall like a frantic parent in search of their children, they were having a surprisingly emotional conversation.

“Do you remember what I said about you and Y/N always being so close? About me being jealous and, like, obsessed?” Robin asked.

“Yeah,” Steve nodded, curious to see where this was going.

“It isn’t because I had a crush on you,” Robin confessed and bit her lip gently. “It’s because... they don’t stop laughing at the stuff you say. They look at you like you’re the greatest guy in the world.”

“Huh? Y/N?” he said.

Robin chuckled lowly. 

“Yeah. Y/N.” She paused. “I want them to laugh at the things I said and I want them to look at me as much as they look as you... but they’re always with you, laughing at the stupid things you say and looking at you and your stupid hair. And, I don’t understand because you-you picked on them about everything since you were kids until you guys just suddenly became best friends. And, you’ve always been way stupider than them. And, you’re a douchebag. And-and you don’t even like them like I always did even though they were always the funniest and coolest person and...I’d just go home and just scream into my pillow.”

“But Y/N’s-” Steve responded, confused.

“Steve,” she said softly, tilting her head a little in mild frustration at the fact it hadn’t clicked in his mind quite yet.

“Yeah?” he asked, breathing out a confused laugh.

She looked at him, and then it hit him. His eyes widened a little, but he never looked disgusted, which she’d feared.

“Oh,” is all he could say.

“Oh,” she mimicked softly.

“Holy shit,” Steve breathed out, leaning back in disbelief.

“Yeah. Holy shit,” Robin repeated half-heartedly, also leaning back as she looked to the ceiling. She then looked down at her thighs, sighing a little at the silence they now found themselves in. Filled with nerves and slight relief, Robin looked up at Steve. 

“Steve...” she said softly. “Did you OD over there?”

“No, I just, uh...” Steve said almost breathlessly. “Just thinking.”

“Okay,” Robin whispered, scratching her neck awkwardly.

“I mean, yeah,” Steve said. “Y/N’s cool and all, but...I mean, they’re a total dork.”

“So what?” Robin asked.

“They’re in the chess club and they watch Star Trek,” Steve answered.

“They have passions. It’s cute,” Robin defended.

“Look, they’re my best friend, but... if you ever wanna be more than that with them, I gotta be sure that you’re prepared to handle all of their nerdy...ness. Like, we saw the Karate Kid 7 times when it came out because ‘it was the coolest movie since Return of the Jedi’. We saw the Breakfast Club 10 times because ‘it’s, like, the best movie made since the Karate Kid’,” he said, imitating you with an unflattering voice.

“They don’t talk like that!” Robin laughed.

“That was a great impersonation,” Steve responded. “Oh, and when they’re listening to music, they try to sing the words and the instruments.”

“I think it’s cute!” Robin exclaimed in protest, laughing even harder when Steve started singing some Rush song you’d sung to yourself several times, whilst also vocalising the guitar, bass and drums in intervals, not unlike someone trying to do all the parts to Bohemian Rhapsody on their own. Steve laughed just as hard as Robin when she joined in, with the both of them knowing it solely from your renditions of it. Eventually, they were just both laughing with one another, making Robin feel accepted by her friend. When the laughter faded away, and they were both smiling.

“For what it’s worth...I think you should ask them out,” Steve told Robin. “They’ve spent so much time with me and they don’t seem interested, so they must be into girls. And, looking back on it I think they have a crush on Princess Leia.”

Robin chuckled and sighed. “I’m not... you. I can’t just go up to them and ask them out.”

“Well, luckily for you, you’ve got a totally awesome wingman.” Steve said.

Robin rolled her eyes. 

“I’ll tell them when we’re not in dange-”

She was interrupted by the door slamming open, and you were standing in front of Dustin and Erica. 

“Okay, I’m really mad at you guys right now, but I’ll be pissed at you when our asses aren’t on the line. Let’s go.”

[best-supermassive-character]

‌Emily Davis x Jessica Riley

1. You can't tell me there's a straight explanation for their argument in the cabin. There's more sexual chemistry there than between Matt and Emily the whole game

2. bad bitches on some hot girl shit tragic best friends to enemies they just needed to kiss and make up

3. besties to girlfriends, can’t say more. they could bond again after traumatic experience why not

Ashley Brown x Chris Hartley x Josh Washington

1. personally?? personally. they just Are the best ship the seance scene single handedly conveys such an interesting and complex dynamic between the 3 of them in little under 10 minutes, tbh Every interaction they all have before shit goes down paints a picture of chemistry and friendship that could Very Easily transition into romantic it feels wrong to seperate the 3 of them into pairings... feels Unnatural

‌

Jamie Tiergan x Erin Keenan (Jerin)

1. my beloveds okay, i was in pleasant shock when saw a "young love" plot line (i didn't know anything about TDiM when i started it so didn't expect to get lesbians)

2. Jamie and Erin already have such a wonderful dynamic to begin with, having bounced around each other before taking the leap after enough flustering and teasing. They care so deeply for each other, and one losing the other is beyond heartbreaking. Erin even admits how much she doesn't want to lose Jamie, which makes my heart scream and yell and cry and oh my god

3. They're sweet, they're cute, they're canon! Supermassive finally gave us an official queer couple that can get together and Jerin deserves some recognition for that. <3

4. I mean, its Jerin! They're relationship is so cute and interesting even if they don't get together, its so clear when they don't they still very much love and adore each other and have so much more to say. And when they ARE together they are just so cute and gentle to each other. The perfect couple <3 (also they are a very rare non-white biracial lesbian couple that aren't toxic or weird so the representation they hold is just <3)

[mediawhorefics]

hiii, hope you're fine, was wondering if you have any recommendations for murder mystery books? idealy sapphic

hiiii i've been fine (pretty atrocious actually my entire life is falling apart hence why i haven't been able to maintain this second blog) i'm always here for book recs tho !!!!

this is actually a bit of a tricky one for me because i'm a big mystery fan, but i'm not huge on murder mysteries in general. i do love a challenge tho, so i'll see what i can find for you!

the last binding trilogy (freya marske) -> not quite murder mystery but a historical fantasy series ft. some murders and some mysteries. each book focuses on a queer couple and the second one ft. sapphics trying to solve a magical murder on a cruise ship. its mainly a romance series with a great magical mystery overarching plot. 10/10

i kissed shara wheeler (casey mcquiston) -> again a general mystery rather than a murder mystery but it's a sapphic ya romance about a prom queen disappearing after kissing her academic rival and said academic rival's obsession with finding her.

bury the lede (gaby dune) -> graphic novel about an intern at a newspaper stumbling upon a gruesome crime scene. (full disclosure, i dont remember anything about this one... i read it ages ago rip)

sadie (courtney summers) -> ya mystery novel. after her sister's murder, sadie, disappointed by the official investigation, skips town in pursuit of the murderer and justice for her sibling. meanwhile a radio personality overhears sadie's story at a gas station and becomes obsessed with finding her, starting a podcast to track his progress. not sapphic particularly and tw applies. it's a pretty harrowing book, but keeps you on the edge of your seat. apparently the audiobook is amazing.

big bad wolf series (charlie adhara) -> okay it's mlm and it's technically werewolf porn, but the mysteries in this ex-fbi agent partnered with a werewolf to solve werewolf crimes series are actually good and engaging and keep you on your toes. no one was more surprised than me.

the will darling adventures trilogy (kj charles) -> again mlm and more general mysteries than murder mystery specifically, but it's so good and there is a sapphic side pairing later in the series. it's set in the 1920s... will darling is a wwi vet who just inherited his uncle's second hand's bookshop which lands him in a world of trouble when both a gang of criminal and the war office end up on his doorstep looking for the same information. which he's pretty sure he doesn't have.

hither page (cat sebastian) -> sorry this one is mlm too rip. post wwii. a gruesome murder shocks a small community with a sprinkle of romance between the village's doctor and the spy sent undercover to solve the crime.

here are some books that fit the vibe that are on my to read and i'm excited to pick up, but obvs can't vouch for yet

last night at the telegraph club (malinda lo) -> sapphic love story set in 1950s san francisco chinatown

lavender house (lev a.c. rosen) -> described as knives out with a queer historical twist. set in the 1950s.

even though i knew the end (cl polk) -> historical fantasy murder mystery ft. a sapphic detective trying to catch a notorious serial killer to ensure she can have a future with the woman she loves.

a million to one (adiba jaigirdar) -> girl gang heist on the titanic. historical ya and sapphic.

meddling kids (edgar cantero) -> paranormal/horror/mystery grown up teen detectives reunite to solve a paranormal mystery fro their past. also queer.

the dead and the dark (courtney gould) -> paranormal/horror/mystery/ya/sapphic. logan, daughter of two ghosthunters, is determined to solve the mysteries of snakebite, oregon where weather patterns are odd and teenagers keep disappearing/showing up dead.

alright, i think that's all i can think of for now ??? i'll add to the list if something pops in my head, but hopefully that covers what you were looking for, at least a little? sorry i didn't 100% follow the brief for some of these haha.

[popculturelib]

This week, we are featuring four publications that covered LGBT/queer news in the 1970s.

The Advocate is the oldest active LGBT magazine, and was originally founded in 1967, two years before the Stonewall Riots. This issue - vol. 4 no. 11, July 22-August 4, 1970 - was printed in the aftermath of Stonewall's one year anniversary and features articles about marches across the country. Transcriptions of the articles are below the read more.

The Browne Popular Culture Library (BPCL), founded in 1969, is the most comprehensive archive of its kind in the United States.  Our focus and mission is to acquire and preserve research materials on American Popular Culture (post 1876) for curricular and research use. Visit our website at https://www.bgsu.edu/library/pcl.html.

“13 Hours of Hell: Advocate writer arrested in bar, says cops beat him” by Darby Summers

(Darby Summers is the pseudonym used by a regular contributor to the ADVOCATE who reviews plays and other theatrical events for this newspaper.)

My story is so incredible that, even though it has happened to me, I can scarcely believe it myself. However, I assure you, every word of it is true. It is a story so shocking and disgusting that I tremble with nausea as I look back upon it.

My body is still racked with pain and my throat is so raw and on fire that it is difficult to swallow.

It is amazing that this should happen almost before the ink was dry on the newsprint of the issue of the ADVOCATE in which I reviewed the plight of four prisoners at the hands of sadistic guards in The Cage.

It all began at 1:30 on the morning of June 25th at a straight bar, Christine’s, 2028 West 7th St. in Los Angeles. A straight friend of mine, Chuck, invited me to have a nightcap with him. Normally I don’t drink because a past bout with hepatitis makes any drinking unwise. However, to be sociable, I will take an occasional drink now and then.

I was dressed in a sharp, ‘different-looking’ pair of slacks I had just bought at Jean’s West on La Cienega. I also had on a denim jacket that was custom designed for my by Phyllis Says of Beverly Hills. There is nothing quite like it, but then, there is nothing in our laws that states we all have to dress alike.

The bartender had just handed me a screwdriver, and I was about to take my first sip when I was struck on the shoulder by a heavy object. I turned to see two police officers confronting me.

“Let’s see your identification,” they barked.

Now I have lived long enough

Continued on Page 8

[next story]

“New York City has largest turnout, longest gay march”

by Nancy Tucker

NEW YORK CITY – Some two to three thousand homosexuals, from cities around the East Coast gathered here on June 28th and marched from Greenwich Village to Central Park to demonstrate for “Gay Pride” and “Gay Power.”

The New York Daily News and a local radio station, WINS, carried even higher estimates of the number in the parade. The New said 10,000, WINS, 20,000.

It was called “the most important event in gay history” by the Christopher Street Liberation Day Committee and was planned and supported by a coalition of eastern homophile organizations.

Marchers traveled to New York from Boston, Philadelphia, New Haven, Washington, and as far away as Alabama and New Mexico to commemorate the first anniversary of a spontaneous demonstration by Gays which took place on June 27, 1969 following a raid on the Stonewall Inn by New York City police.

At that time patrons of the bar, located at 53 Christopher Street in Greenwich Village, were put out into the street as police took action against the bar’s management. Groups of Gays gathered and barricaded the police into the bar and then began a series of protest gatherings within the neighborhood. These led eventually to the formation of the Gay Liberation Front and the Gay Activist’s Alliance during the Fall and Winter.

The three-mile march took place in perfect 75° weather, be-

Continued on Page 5

[next story]

“1200 parade in Hollywood; crowds line boulevard”

The gay community in Los Angeles made its contribution to Americana on June 28.

Over 1000 homosexuals and their friends staged, not just a protest march, but a full-blown parade down world-famous Hollywood Boulevard.

Flags and banners floated in the chill sunlight of late afternoon; a bright red sound truck blared martial music; drummers strutted; a horse pranced; clowns cavorted; “vice copes” chased screaming “fairies” with paper wings; the Metropolitan Community Church sand “Onward Christian Soldiers”; a bronzed and muscular male model flaunted a 7 ½-foot live python.

On and on it went, interspersed with over 30 open cars carrying ADVOCATE Groovy Guy contestants, the Grand Duchess of San Francisco, homophile leaders, and anyone else who wanted to be seen, and five floats, one of which depicted a huge jar of Vaseline, another a homosexual “nailed” to a cross.

Christopher Street West, they called it.

Sensation-sated Hollywood had never seen anything like it. Probably the world had never seen anything like it since the gay days of Ancient Greece.

Crowds lined both sides of the boulevard up to 10 deep along the half-mile-plus parade route and spilled down the side streets and into the marshalling area at McCadden Place and down Ivar Street where the parade was supposed to disperse.

As the last united rounded the corner at Hollywood and Ivar, people began to stream blocks after them, following the three blocks south to Sunset Boulevard, where other crowds struck out on the sidewalks to watch. Although the marchers on foot had dispersed at Selma, the cars and floats remained mostly together and identifiable as a procession in the heavy traffic of Sunset nearly back to Highland Avenue, a block west of McCadden.

15,000 to 20,000

Laconic police estimates put the number of participants in the parade at anywhere from 400 to 1500, depending on which police source you took, and the number of spectators at 4000 to 5000.

More realistic estimates put the number of spectators at 15,000 to 20,000. Parade officials, using a mechanical counter, obtained a total of 1169 participants.

The turnout appeared to catch the Los Angeles Police Department largely unprepared. Although the police had opposed the parade on the grounds that hostile spectators might turn it into a riot, they had blocked off only one side of the boulevard, as specified in the permit, and permitted traffic to proceed on the other side.

As a result, cars were trapped in the rush of spectators who surged into the street all along the parade route, despite the efforts of a few squad car units and motorcycle-mounted patrolmen to force them back to the sidewalks. Shortly after the parade started, they gave up and began diverting all traffic except the paraders off the boulevard.

No Violence

There was no violence of any kind, and police would acknowledge only three arrests, those of MCC Pastor Troy Perry, Daughters of Bilitis Los Angeles Chapter President Carole Shephard, and Kelly Weiser of HELP, who were hustled away as they began

Continued on Page 6

[wintergrew]

Actually i will say on KAYF...

The basic premise of KAYF was an idea I first got roughly ten years ago after watching various vampire media. (Let the Right One In, Shiki, etc.) Not the whole plot, but the basic premise of a (queer) couple broken up by one becoming a vampire while their town is being destroyed by...well, vampires. Originally with my friend's and my Star Wars ocs from the MMO swtor we were obsessed with and made a billion AUs for, but very quickly it became its own thing in my head with new OCs.

But at that point in my life i was not writing fiction. I was always too self conscious of my writing because someone flamed my cringeybwriting on Neopets when I was, like...8 or something. So I literally went a full ass decade without writing fiction (with the exception of a couple attempts i immediately abandoned because I hated them) until I decided to try again with South Park fanfiction because i don't even know. Which includes The Thief, which I was shocked people liked. It was a TERRIBLE point in my life, I should say, so having people enjoy what I wrote and saying nice things about it was quite literally one of the only good things I had.

But anyway I still had that vampire idea in the back of my head, but just as random scenes that played in my head of the two main charades + the person who ended up being Estella. (Though originally her and Scott's role was combined.) The plot wasn't really defined or anything, but the basic ending was in my head from the very very beginning.

Anyway...2020. i was supposed to see MCR. Then COVID postponed it. I was very sad about this. So I extra emo-ly listened to a shit ton of MCR. And listening to MCR, suddenly I was thinking about that vampire story and their music pretty much helped me put the plot into place. The terminal illness plotline. The vampire of the pairing being obsessed to save his love and the cruelty from the other vampires regarding that. And ofc the song Kill All Your Friends itself gave me the set up of an IT-like time skip where someone died and they all go back.

They were all still 100% OCs in my head at this point. I didn't really have much confidence anyone would like these idea but, I was actively writing South Park fanfiction people liked well enough. I'd only ever written fanfiction. So I was like "huh I guess I can make this idea Creek".

So I did. And then wrote three chapters and didn't update for a full year.

But then in 2021 it became my ADHD obsession. I stopped caring about The Thief Trilogy. All I could think of was KAYF and wrote the rest of it in three or so months... Over 100k words. Pretty sure the update schedule was longer than that, but I spaced out chapters by a week long after I was finished.

And people seemed to like it. It was too dark to be as popular as the Thief Trilogy, but I knew that. It was a much more personal story, though, especially with how emotional it was, so it meant SO MUCH to me that anyone liked it. Also because The Thief Trilogy feels basically just like a bloated fanfiction adaptation of the SOT game to me, while KAYF feels like mine, so the kind words for it meant even more in a way.

Until someone I thought was a friend trashed it relentlessly. Like, I'm fine with constructive criticism but they were just horrible. Spoiled the plot for people who wanted to read it directly after i asked them not to, went on condescending rants about how there was too much filler, how Tweek in it was an awful character who deserved to die, claimed characters were all too unsympathetic, joked about parts I meant in earnest, etc. And they got really mad at me that my feelings were hurt by this. It was a whole thing.

Anyway, I'm still to this day years later obsessed with this story year. I think about it every day, which is probably more unhealthy ADHD shit. And I always think about how to make it better. I hate how I wrote it so fast and didn't think about certain details or pacing or what have you. Like, once I finished writing it, I was sad because I wanted to keep writing it. I still do.

I hate that I disappoint people by not having it out there. I want it out there, just not the version I rushed in three months.

So, for now, the fic is hidden. Indefinitely.

Anyway if you read all this tl;dr rambling congratulations I guess.

[eddie-redmayne-italian-blog]

Cabaret at the Kit Kat Club review: Eddie Redmayne and Gayle Rankin dazzle in jaw-dropping Broadway revival

Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome to the hottest new show on Broadway.

By Emlyn Travis Published on April 21, 2024 09:30PM EDT

Before the end of the world, before Eddie Redmayne casts a spell with an impish grin and a slightly askew party hat, and before Gayle Rankin brings down the house with a thunderous performance of “Cabaret,” theatergoers are welcomed into Cabaret at the Kit Kat Club through a series of neon-drenched alleyways and offered a shot of cherry schnapps. In many ways, it’s a perfect representation of what they are about to experience: sweet, shocking, intoxicating, and leaves a lingering impression long after it’s finished. 

More than three years after opening on London's West End and winning seven Olivier Awards, including Best Musical Revival, director Rebecca Frecknall’s celebrated take on the legendary musical has transferred to Broadway in a gritty, haunting production that is jaw-droppingly gorgeous from start to finish. The revival, which opens tonight, has set up shop at the August Wilson Theatre and no expense has been spared transforming the space into a glitzy, Weimar-era Berlin nightclub that's complete with bustling bars and intimate table seating that surrounding a contained, circular wooden stage for a theater-in-the-round experience.

Attendees are encouraged to visit the show early in order to soak up its immersive atmosphere and take in its prologue — a unique pre-show event directed by Jordan Fein that follows a collection of dancers and musicians wade through the crowds performing songs, dancing up and down staircases, and teasingly toying with audience members. That fun continues during the show's intermission too, which sees the Kit Kat Club performers bring a group of lucky theatergoers upon the main stage to play games and dance with them in a charming conga line.

Cabaret at the Kit Kat Club — which features a book written by Joe Masteroff, music by John Kander, and lyrics by Fred Ebb — follows young, queer American writer Clifford "Cliff" Bradshaw (the stellar Ato Blackson-Wood) as he travels to Berlin in hopes of finding inspiration for his next novel. On his first night, he's introduced to the Kit Kat Club and "the toast of Mayfair" Sally Bowles (Rankin), and the pair strike up a fast friendship that blossoms into something more after she decides to move into his apartment without telling him. While Cliff's stern, yet secretly warm landlady Fräulein Schneider (Bebe Neuwirth) is initially unimpressed by the development, she ultimately agrees to the deal — after all, she's much more focused on spending time with the kind, older Jewish gentleman that rents a nearby room, Herr Schultz (Steven Skybell). But this beautiful, Bohemian bubble that they've all ensconced themselves within can only endure for so long amid the Nazis ascent to power.

The evening kicks off with a drumroll and then a literal bang as perfectly timed cymbals crash together just as lighting designer Isabella Byrd reveals the Kit Kat Club's fantastically flamboyant master of ceremonies (Redmayne) standing perfectly posed underneath a single spotlight. The Oscar-winning actor, reprising the role that won him an Olivier award, somehow manages to imbue the character with both a youthful innocence and a sinister side, donning a wide grin and contorting every inch of his body into peculiar shapes that simultaneously draw you in and make you want to rear back. He paints the Kit Kat Club as a place where you can leave reality behind during the production's phenomenal opening number "Willkommen," but even he's unable to keep the horrors that are unfolding outside the club's doors from slowly taking center stage.

Redmayne, both a literal Emcee for the club’s patrons as well as metaphorical representation of the spirit of the time period, soaks up the spotlight like it was made for him. He revels in the dark duality that Cabaret presents, gleefully ripping off his clothing and leaping offstage during its vivacious first act, only to end up staring despondently into the darkness from the set's edge in its second. And speaking of clothing, Cabaret has some of the most breathtaking costumes currently on Broadway — courtesy of the phenomenal scenic, theater, and costume designer Tom Scutt —  including a see-through skeletal ensemble that Redmayne sports during his knockout performance of "Money" is one of the most delightfully frightening looks of the evening, from his stark makeup all the way to his elongated, bejeweled fingernails attached to the end of each glove.

While the Emcee adores all of the Kit Kat Club’s endlessly talented ensemble, it’s easy to see why he holds a special fondness for the cabaret’s headliner, Sally Bowles. Rankin is nothing short of spectacular as the ostentatious performer, knowing when turn on her character's charming nature and when to pull back the curtain to reveal a weariness that makes it feel as if life's hardships have been weighing on her shoulders for centuries. Still, when the curtain lifts and the spotlight beams down upon her, Rankin ensures that Sally transforms into an unforgettable star with her coquettish performances of "Don't Tell Mama" and "Mein Herr." However, it's her rendition of "Maybe This Time," soft and full of hopeful surrender, that truly makes Sally's eventual arc within the musical that much more affecting.

Meanwhile, Neuwirth’s Fräulein Schneider and Skybell's Herr Schultz’s bring a sweet romance to Cabaret, only for theatergoers to witness as their bond is slowly tarnished by outside forces beyond their control. As an older woman, the fiery Fräulein Schneider sings about feeling hopeless to the changing of the political tides in the searingly poignant "What Would You Do?", while Herr Schultz swears that his proud German citizenship will protect him from the dangers that loom ahead — a devastating declaration that is made even more heartbreaking given that viewers are aware of what lies ahead. Instead, it is only Blackson-Wood's clever Cliff who is able to see the situation clearly and understand that the writing is on the wall.

Frecknall, who recently completed another celebrated West End revival of A Streetcar Named Desire, leans heavily into the spookiness of Cabaret's second act and refuses to pull her punches. In one scene, the Emcee interrupts a tender moment between Fräulein Schneider and Herr Schultz to step upon a glass only for the stage to plummet into darkness as explosions ring out around them, reminiscent of Kristallnacht. When the lights return, the pair can only stare at one another in shock as debris rain down upon them. And, while Cabaret is no stranger to exhibiting wonderfully risqué behavior onstage, Frecknall also ensures that the sex work depicted within the musical is shown as a means of survival for its performers too, who spin through Julia Cheng's dazzling onstage choreography with passion and gusto.

There’s a reason why Cabaret at the Kit Kat Club is one of the hottest tickets on Broadway right now. It’s an unforgettable, immersive experience that lures audiences in with visions of sweet, sweet hedonism before bowling them over with a harrowing, unflinching tale that will have them reflecting on present day parallels and their place within the world long after they leave the theater. Come to the Cabaret, ol’ chum. There’s nothing quite like it. 

https://ew.com/cabaret-kit-kat-club-review-broadway-8636569

[catgirl-catboy]

Saw yet another "you have to ship femslash its activism and supporting queer women" post with a shitton of notes, and I am so tired as a bi woman. This kind of pressure makes me feel like I am not queer enough. I feel guilty for not writing and drawing and shipping enough femslash even if most of what I do is femslash. I've been harassed for how dare I ship m/f or slash, its queerphobic and anti-feminist. It takes the fun out of it. It also says that the experience of bi/pan, ace and trans women are not queer enough if they are not same sex. It takes a huge part in fandoms biphobia. It also completely forgets just how intensely toxic and infested with TERF rhetoric most femslash spaces are.

Yeah! I agree with all of that, and you've sparked a small word vomit about my thoughts on the current scape of f/f! I hope you don't mind, this ask really got the word voices going.

I feel like a lot of the pressure to write femslash as a form of activism just causes fan content for femslash to just... not be as good. Like, I feel like most recent popular femslash ships have the same vibe. Then I re-joined some older fandoms (Homestuck and Death note, if you want to laugh at my tastes!) and was like shocked! That some of the femslash ships were angsty and tragic in fanfiction. I read a Misa/Rem fic that made me cry (though I do cry quite easily!) Like, its not that we don't get tragic sapphic love stories these days. Its that the fandom nitpicks them until its just the wholesome aspects.

(Before someone gets up in my ass, its not that writers can't write cute fluff for tragic f/f pairings. I'm just sad there isn't more variety, and that femslash ships that could be that are getting labelled as toxic the way m/m ships don't.)

Another reason I don't like a lot of popular F/F ships, is… that it just feels like the writers pair off the love interests that get in the way of their m/m ships? and like, don't get me wrong I do that, its not a bad thing, but its rare that these two characters regularly interact in canon. So it isn't very common that they have a unique dynamic that I'm a fan of. And on the rare occasions I like them, nobody else writes them the same way.

The sad thing is, unless we fight off puritan/fandom = activism rhetoric, I don't see a way to fix this problem other than just eliminating terfdom and this specific brand of social justice.

[jackienautism]

Okay no but like I LOVE my lesbians HC for my fav girls and Kaitlyn is my fav but it rubs me so WRONG when the one women of color in this game who canonically shows interest to the other half of the popular MLM ship gets labeled the lesbian in rylan fics and then just?? They don’t even do anything with that. They don’t do more they just go “she’s lesbian she’s not interested in Ryan!!” And it makes me :))))). Like hmmm

NO ME TOO !!!!!!! i love headcanoning my fave characters as lesbians..... and i LOVE seeing it in fandom. but there are just certain times where it DOESNT work and can be seen as just straight up malicious. esp if they themself are not a lesbian lmao

i personally would see kaitlyn as a lesbian bc the way they portrayed kaitlyn and her "crush" on ryan? it just... the chemistry and whatnot is nonexistent to me. and thats at the FAULT of the game! bc they never even bothered to have a scene where its JUST ryan and kaitlyn on screen! its SOOOOO goddamn obvious which side of the """"love triangle"""" they were rooting for, hence the lack of attention they gave kaitlyn and ryan and bc of that, her attraction to ryan could absoolutely be seen as comphet. but youre absolutely right. of course the one woman of color who DOES show interest in a guy is reduced down to a lesbian JUST because she "gets in the way" of ry////lan

literally saw someone refer to ry////lan as a "canon" queer couple and like LMAO I CANT STAND IT HERE. its insinuated YES bc fuck you supermassive but kaitlyn is STILL THERE...... and evne if you choose all the ry////lan directed choices, THEY STILL DONT CANONICALLY END UP IN A RELATIONSHIP. and i dont give a FUCk if supermassive THEMSELVES have said something otherwise. they already droppped the goddamn ball w/ kaitlyn in SEVERAL different ways, so if they did? fuck them for real. kaitlyn deserved better. i could go on and on about specifics if you for some reason dont believe me when i say the game favors ry////lan, so let me know i guess. may just make a post about it regardless. and dont even give me that "im closer to dylan" bullshit

im very glad im not the only person who it rubs the wrong way though, in fact, it makes me very happy that im not being over dramatic or w/e. youre totally allowed to be put off by it bc it IS simply meant to toss kaitlyn to the side and get her out of the way of their WAY more popular MLM pairing

and it sucks bc like....of COURSE ry///lan being a queer interracial relationship is a great step into the right direction and very good, but so is kaitlyn / ryan. ryan is still a bi black man and its SO easy to also make kaitlyn bi. ryan being in a "straight" relationship doesnt erase his queerness. and like? w/ kaitlyn and ryan, itd be a interracial relationship between TWO poc and thats like......barely seen. which is another reason why erin / jamie is so fantastic, especially since theyre a queer relationship on top of it. AND YET. THEY GOT JACK SHIT COMPARED TO EVERYTHING ELSE HUH? GOD. i wont sit here and lie i have yet to get into TDIM and make art / stuff but. im not shocked that they have SIGNIFICANTLY less

but yeah... them not even doing more w/ kaitlyn being a lesbian is HMMMM absolutely suspicious. it rly exposes their TRUE intentions real quick. it just shows to me that they dont actually care abt portraying a lesbian, let alone telling their story

[gillianthecat]

aaahhhheeiiiaaaiiiiii!!!!!!!!!! I am going a little feral over the ending to Happy Ending Romance, and especially how these last two episodes have reshaped my thoughts on the first six. It's all about choices, people. And the consequences thereof. And the things we do for love.

This show did pretty much everything I was hoping it would do, and assumed it wouldn't. I see now why Cha Jeong Wu had to be such as passive presence for so long. He was buried and hiding, and just like he had to hide his writer self from the world, the show had to hide if from us. And I see why the exact details of the scandal were kept from us; knowing that Writer Cha ghostwriting for Writer Kim would be easy enough to guess, the weight of it was still a shock when we learned the truth of the scandal.

This was not primarily a romance. This was a story about five people, and their choices, and the ways they loved, both good and bad. And I think much of my frustration was worry/suspicion that they would sweep all that complexity under the rug and focus only on a "happy ending romance" for Jeong Wu and Tae Yeong. But they were not even what the title was referring to! (pterodactyl screeching) Perhaps I should have paid much more attention to the more literal translation of the title Happy Ending Over the Fence. And it did feel like a happy ending for everyone, in a way that felt honest and earned to me, not artificially wrapped up. Yes, there were threads left dangling (in particular, did they ever public tell the truth about the ghostwriting?), but I find they don't matter to me so much.

Jeong Hyeon was the most fascinating character to me (and not just because I am obsessed with his face), so I am particularly happy that he got to have a story with all the complexity that he deserved, and that his love shone through in the end as the core of him.

As part of my Leo obsession this week, I listened to his song from the soundtrack over and over, as well as Karam's (whose song I also love, to be clear). And so I also am fascinated about the choices of when to use which song, and over which moments and characters, which aren't always the moments I would have assumed. And what it means that two out of the central trio have these extra voices, while Tae Yeong, who is arguably the protagonist, doesn't. I would have to re-watch to talk about the specifics, but just the idea of it is so interesting.

Anyways, I could probably write another couple thousand words on this show. Themes and characters and their choices of course, but after this amazing discussion people have been having about space and place in Japanese BL, I've been thinking a lot about how Happy Ending Romance has been using its environments, as well as color and overall cinematography and editing. The choreography of pairs forming and reforming, groups coming together and breaking apart. And how stories and scenes were woven together. How wonderfully queer that final scene on the rooftop felt. And I have barely touched on all the supporting characters. But I should go to bed so I will save that for another time.

[sinterblackwell]

most surprising reads of 2022

(aka part II (part I) in my short series of highlighting books that didn't quite make the cut in my top 10 reads of the year (because again...we're now at 136) but still rewired my brain so completely in different ways that i had to talk about them somehow)

warning: this is also a long one. but i had a lot of fun with it :') it's actually convinced me to think about making my own book blog on some other site to have some kind of audience, because it's clear there's potential.

anyways, these were the books that shocked the hell out of me in ways i didn't expect and left a positive marker on my brain.

let the long-winded rants and shows of praise commence 🥂

(in order of read date)

- game changer (game changers, #1) by rachel reid (january 31)

"If you think the world finding out how much I love you is scary to me, you’re dead wrong.”

i have a very soft spot for this first book, and it was for reasons completely subjective that has me on the offense if anyone was to read this because of me and then just absolutely despised it :’)

those reasons stemmed from how i discovered this story in the first place, which was through a blogger’s story on instagram where i just so happened to stumble across a slide where they declared little mix’s “secret love song, pt. II” to be kip & scott’s song. this pair wasn’t even the blogger’s favorite couple, they will always scream about shane & ilya in heated rivalry, but for some reason, they felt the need to share how this song was kip to scott throughout the course of the book. the voices in the song were so angelic and so captivating, that it was what convinced me to read this queer hockey romance that had never been on my radar before this moment.

and maybe it’s because of this song that i ended up finding myself obsessed with this book because no, the writing isn’t the best—it’s pretty average, and the dialogue at times made it a little hard to fully be in the moment. and yeah, kip & scott aren’t one of my most favorite fictional couples ever, but there was just something about the way the lyrics of “secret love song, pt. II” were completely spot-on for these two’s story, how i understood exactly why the blogger felt the urge to connect this song and this story together and post it on instagram……

just because i didn’t think the writing wasn’t the best doesn’t mean that it was very poor; it had its highlights and being in scott and especially kip’s povs made their romance very endearing. i loved all the small & little details about how kip was trying to move forward in his life beyond working in this smoothie shop after having trouble finding anything else with his bachelor’s degree in history. i loved how even though this was my first hockey book in a long while, i was already so absorbed in this sport through scott’s pov, and i was absorbed with what it meant to him as someone who’s now an NHL superstar but was once a low-income kid who was barely hanging on as his mom fought to keep them going. i loved the exploration of scott’s coming out, and how he did have a circle to turn to once he stepped out of his fears that kept him in the closet; and i loved how the author went about making clear that he wasn’t the only closeted NHL player, and how significant it would be if he did make the choice to come out with kip by his side.

what i love love loved about this book though?? a detail i’m absolutely obsessed with?? there’s no drama. it’s the fact that there were literally so many parts of the story that could’ve been the trigger for even more drama and to push the characters further away from each other, but the author purposefully steered clear of it. it’s so completely laughable, and maybe just to me, because there would be instances where things could’ve gone so wrong if the characters hadn’t made certain decisions, or if the author simply wrote it just to write it. it felt almost cheeky these small nods to potential drama that would never actually happen because there really was no need, at least not for this book here. kip & scott’s story was really soft, and yeah there was still some trouble (“secret love song, pt. II” is their song for a reason), but i was in it for the long haul, i was invested.

that’s the surprise there. i came into this story with pretty wary expectations and to see them actually be met, and to have then found myself constantly coming back to it and rereading it while i was picking up other stories. well…….this isn’t one of my top favorite reads of 2022, but it has a special place in my heart for the reading experience—one that lasted weeks so….i wanted to give it a shoutout somehow :’)

(also literally had “secret love song, pt. II” on repeat while writing this to encourage me to let out all my feelings on this book here, so emotions are kinda raw right now lol)

- electric idol (dark olympus, #2) by katee robert (march 25)

“Tell me you’re spinning out just as much as I am. Tell me I’m not in the depths alone.”

this was surprising in the sense that the writing in the first book of this series, neon gods, felt so bizarrely average that reading this sequel here completely caught me off guard. for a good minute or two, i questioned how this could be the same author, which is probably just me reading too much into things, but it was a genuine reaction i will always remember i had.

i said this in the tags of a post once, but for an author who’s had a couple books already under her belt, neon gods reading like a meh debut was strange, and it wasn’t until reading this book here that i really got a sense of where their writing was at. i’m no professional critic, and so this is completely something i grasped from my reading experience.

i think it was the appeal of eros & psyche that helped make the story more engaging and gave a lot more for the author to work with because the way they explored eros’ toxic relationship with his mother and then psyche’s character herself was very interesting to me. i loved the chemistry between the two, especially since at first, things were completely on edge with the hit that aphrodite places on psyche, with eros being the one assigned to deal the killing blow. the way this pair interacted from the beginning was immediately charged because of this hit, and it made everything after feel so high stakes and their growing romance really captivating.

i’m glad that with this book, it encouraged me to continue on with this series as the overarching plot that’s become incredibly significant in all three books so far has grown stronger & stronger over time, so i’m really eager for what’s to come now that i know what this author’s capable of.

- icebreaker by a.l. graziadei (april 8)

this is one of those cases where it wasn’t the story itself, but rather the surprise lying at how attached i got to the main character, mickey james III.

the most that i knew about this book going into it was that it was a ya contemporary romance with hockey playing right at the center, and there was also a significant portrayal of mental illness, with the mc experiencing clinical depression. i also was aware of some mixed things readers felt regarding the romance in particular, which goodreads tags it as first & foremost (a common thing with other books that irks the hell out of me). with this criticism and knowledge in mind, i was on a very cautious edge.

so you can imagine how stumped i felt when i saw myself reflected in the main character.

i wish i can be able to flesh out all my feelings and lay it all out on the table here, blood & guts and all, how much mickey’s character spoke to me and how we’re two completely different people who still felt very similar because of small reactions he had throughout the story or just how tired he got.

Whenever I think of Alyssa and Hugh, or Dorian’s relatable music or Cauler’s face when he said “what would you do if I said yes”, I just get so tired, I want to crawl in bed and not come out for five years. It’s not even sadness. It’s nothingness.

.

It’s so obvious. I’m so obvious. Why can’t anyone see what’s really going on? I love hockey. I do. I swear. My brain just doesn’t let me show it or feel it or . . . or . . .

he would say certain things, most of it all inside his head, and i’ll be reading it and i’ll actually be tearing up because i’ll never get used to the feeling of seeing another writer just get it, and the fact that they don’t even know me makes it feel worse. it feels worse to see what mickey goes through and how he internalizes most of it, which just makes certain things go downhill. he’s like this other character, mina, from tashie bhuiyan’s a show for two, who i feel the need to defend with all my heart— the difference is that in this case, i know mickey, almost like how he knows himself, and anyone who brushes over what he goes through or paints him simply as an asshole will only gut me because it’s close to my own experiences in my own life.

the truth is much more complicated, and the things mickey says or does or even believes at times do put him at fault, but it doesn’t make him a bad person. and it doesn’t make him someone who never even tries. the hockey element to this story is very strong, and it was interesting getting to see a different angle of this sport through these characters who were playing as a team at a university. it was interesting seeing how far these expectations go for these young kids who might have the opportunity to get drafted into the NHL, but they have to make successful plays at first, both on and off the ice. seeing the commentators at their team games who would make these critiques about mickey when his mind was at its worst, it felt so personal…..i knew how biased it might’ve been but it really was just so personal. i was rooting for him a lot and i was rooting for other characters, too, and i loved how even when mickey felt alone most of the time, he still had moments with his big family and moments with his team that alleviated the story quite a bit.

i didn’t love nor hate the romance, it was pretty okay in my opinion—i liked the way the author didn’t just explore the kind of difficulties mickey was going through but that other characters as well, aka cauler, were—it just so happened to be for different reasons. it painted a picture of how rough playing hockey can be for different people, who all have their own strengths but that also means they have their weaknesses, too, and they’ll always be judged on that, whether it’s with their hockey sticks or through harsh words.

above all of that, what generally just really surprised me about this story is how much i connected to mickey’s character without expecting it, and it definitely put some things to light for my own life that even all these months later after first reading this book back in april, i still don’t quite know what to do with. i want to try, just as mickey tries. i don’t know if that’s enough but yeah, reading this story was enough for me at the time.

- café con lychee by emery lee (may 17)

Theo gives me this look that's equal parts reassuring and heart-stopping, and maybe that's just his way of saying that my secret is safe with him, but the voice in the back of my head is finally shutting up, and I feel like everything might just be okay.

the more time that passes between now & my time reading this book back in may, the more i feel sorta mystified that i gave it five stars. it’s nothing against the story or the author, and i’ll never change that rating (unless i did a reread and wanted to update it) because what i do have a clear memory of is how happy this book made me towards the end. in fact, i remember feeling so happy, that it literally brought tears to my eyes.

but the reason why i feel strange now is because of what i’ve heard from others regarding their concerns about the romance here, which could pretty much read as like a bully romance. the way theo regards gabi for a good first quarter of the book and the way he makes gabi feel raises a lot of concerns because it’s not like he necessarily goes out of his way to directly attack gabi, physically or verbally. more so, it’s just his general attitude towards him, and when they do interact, he’s very openly mean. it’s something theo accepts as a general part of his personality, but he does reconcile with that and how a lot of his attitude stemmed from some other factors in his life—particularly his family struggles—that made his time at school feel like a big weight on his shoulders. that doesn’t excuse him from how badly he treats gabi at times, and for that, some readers might feel put off by it, and rightfully so.

it’s something i have to reckon with because i do have a clear memory of theo being generally mean towards gabi, and it made for some really awkward/tense scenes because gabi experiences a lot of anxiety so every situation to him is dialed up at a panic level of over 50, so whenever he fumbled around theo and theo snapped, it was a lot to wade through. with that all in mind, i still gave this book the five stars and so i have to wonder the significance behind that. did i find the way that theo treated gabi in the beginning cute? did i think that theo was being mean towards gabi as like one of those classic situations where the guy teases/bullies the main character as a way to get their attention? no, not at all. regarding the latter, it’s very clear that theo had no attraction to gabi in the beginning.

so what did attract him to gabi, and vice versa? that was what the rest of the book was for, seeing this pair get to know each other beyond surface impressions and sort of bond over their shared passion of keeping their families’ businesses afloat in the midst of this new fusion restaurant that was blatantly stealing cuisines from other cultures to make their own profit (and it wasn’t even good!! but more customers kept flocking their way to there anyways). both theo & gabi have different strengths that build towards making this new business plan to save their families, and it was cool especially for gabi, to see him become more comfortable as the story went on and have the opportunity to be more creative.

i think what made me the most emotional at the end of the day, and is partly what lends to the surprise that was this story, is that i had read this after finishing a show for two by tashie bhyuian, which put me through the wringer in its depiction of a very poor familial relationship that the mc had with her parents. to read this book right after, café con lychee, and see the way that theo & gabi’s families were depicted and how they fought and forgave each other, i was so happy to see how not all teenagers have it so rough, but i also felt bad for mina in a show for two because she really deserved better than all her parents put her through.

in the case for this book though, yeah, there were two surprises: the way theo & gabi’s relationship developed over the course of the book as i genuinely started to like them together, in a first love kinda way + then seeing how impactful the hopeful depiction of their families were to me and my soft heart. both elements tied together really well for me that it ultimately lended itself the five star rating, and that’s something really cool.

(even cooler is how the next read after this one was the monstrous series by lily mayne, which is definitely something to be discussed in another post :’) )

- unwritten rules (unwritten rules, #1) by k.d. casey (july 14)

Sixty feet away on the mound, the pitcher throws. The ball releases from his hand, and Zach watches the arc and pattern of its movements as it nears its "commit point", when he has to decide whether to swing or stay put. It's a choice he's made thousands of times, with incomplete information, before a curveball bends or a changeup tumbles. One guided by his experience and instincts but also the confidence that his decision will be the right one. So Zach watches and considers and swings.

this was the first baseball romance i’ve ever read, and as someone who had been leaning more towards hockey romances, jumping into a different sport that’s much less about the action and more about having patience while out on the mound, it was so incredibly interesting. i never knew much about baseball before this—all i really knew was about this famous baseball figure, roberto clemente, a puerto rican professional player who had died in a plane crash. as a kid, i had went to two schools named after him, and that was as far as my knowledge went.

what eventually motivated me to read this slow character-driven story was a classic mood reader move where it was all pure impulse after seeing the second book, fire season, on libby. since that story hadn’t been released yet at the time, i felt motivated enough to read this first book in the meantime to see where it could go, and i’m really glad i did. while i really wasn’t prepared for how detailed and slow-moving the baseball content was, i didn’t mind it at all. i feel that even as someone who has no interest in this sport, for me to still be so invested in the story because of the character who was entrenched and was trying to figure out how to reckon with mistakes from his past while trying to move forward in the present—it was very powerful. the dual timelines of the story did such a good job of reflecting on that, and was one of my most favorite things about it.

while i connected much more to reid in fire season—which despite being the second book in the series, is set before the events of unwritten rules—i genuinely liked zach’s pov and i liked how the author explored his own coming out journey and how it looked like while playing professionally in the major baseball league. seeing the way he slowly bonded with eugenio and how they connected while in the midst of other players was so worth it in all the details the author included in the general atmosphere of the sport, whether it was in practices or the actual games. i feel that for any genuine baseball fan who loves a story that really dives into the second-by-second aspects of what it’s like playing the sport, you’ll find a lot of potential in this. because even for me, i really respected the author for how much knowledge she had and how clearly passionate she was about these characters and the game they were playing.

zach makes some mistakes and other characters edge around him because of it, and i can see some readers who might think he was a little boring, but as i mentioned in my goodreads review, i liked how disconnected from the story he felt because that was the point; zach had a lot of shit to grow from and be at his own pace.

what surprised me so much about this book was again, it was baseball, i’ve never read about it before, and the fact that i was actually engaged the whole time?? shocking, but also very cherished to me :’)

- all of our demise (all of us villains, #2) by amanda foody & christina lynn herman (august 30)

"We're the only ones still playing. So let's play."

**slight spoilers for this one**

i had read all of us villains late last year, one of the very few titles i was able to read in the midst of a reading slump, and so i'll always have a very soft spot for this ya fantasy duology. one thing i loved about that first book, and which made me love this sequel/finale even more is how dark it had gotten. it was such a cool story idea to have these stories of villains and actually portray them as such, not trying to muddle them down to seem more pleasing for a teen audience. it was phenomenal and absolutely heartstopping how far these characters would go to prove themselves to their families and to the world, and i liked how you could still connect to them with the issues that they had.

with this sequel here, i was just swept away at how good the characterization was, and how certain relationships were developed in a way i could only ever have dreamed of. to see certain characters come to life and others fall under death's spell, it was amazing the route these authors went because it really felt like they went all in. with gavin & alistair's relationship growth + briony & isobel's character arcs, all their endings were absolutely fit for the epic journey they went on from the moment they stepped foot into the Tournament.

there's so much action & betrayal but it was all about the final moments of one character who wouldn't walk out the Tournament alive because they were playing as the hero; the sad moments shared between two brothers who grew up in a family seen as most wicked of all of Ivernath; one character who looked at themselves in the mirror and felt fit for a corpse's grave with how rotten they felt inside in their desperate urge to win after others already decided for them they were fit for victory; another character who already had a gravestone waiting for them despite how larger than life they were and determined to not lie six feet under.

it was just an absolutely amazing finale, i enjoyed every minute of it and that was the surprise of it all, because these characters really made you work for it in trying to reach the final page.

- the president’s vampire (nathaniel cade, #2) by christopher farnsworth (october 31)

"There's more to this world than the things you can see," Lord said, "There are hidden chapters to history, and not all of them were written by men."

this one might be a bit brief because well, i have had such a chaotic reading journey throughout this entire series (exhibit a), i need a break just thinking about it. this was the book that made me discover the series in the first place, and it was the most mind-boggling of it all, which was everything. it's CIA conspiracy theories taken to the next level, and there were a lot of deaths in this one. it didn't feel like too much, surprisingly so, in fact it felt necessary for the story, and it was clear to the author that if he was going to be given free reign to write a series about a vampire who is sworn to protect the president of the united states, he was not going to be wasting the opportunity to raid every dark crevice of secrets the american government is likely to be holding in their arsenal.

i also really got attached to the characters, especially with cade & zach's strange partnership, which stood out more clearly in deep state, but in here, there were shadow organizations and lizard mutations to fight against and seeing them working together and get separated at various times made for very fucked up scenes of life & death.

it was because of this whole series that i really got into annotating as i was reading, writing a bunch of notes in my highlights that were not enlightening at all, they were just my dumbfounded reactions to some of the shit that happens in here. it was all very entertaining--dark as hell, but entertaining nonetheless......and also plain sad at some parts but well. the first book wasn't so much lighthearted but it was ridiculous a majority of the time, and it wasn't until i read this second book that things seemed to get even darker and feel much more serious--it was the surprise of a lifetime. i was all for it but i mean, you have quotes like this:

The real world was right in his face, and it was a small square of tile on the cold floor. It finally occurred to him that he was not the secret-agent hero of this movie. He wasn't the plucky sidekick. He wasn't even the damsel in distress, because no one was coming to save him.

and all you can do is sit there stumped as hell because well...damn.

- whisper by tal bauer (december 11)

And of everything, We created pairs. Heaven and Earth. Night and day. Sun and moon. Sea and Shore. Light and darkness.

David gazed at Kris. You, for me.

i think every book for every reader will always be completely subjective because there's just so many factors to it that can affect a reader's experience with said book. this was what happened with game changer as i briefly talked about way above, and it was the same thing that happened with this story here. there was certain knowledge i wasn't privy of for a good while and so whenever i thought of this story before actually having the courage to read it, i just felt this sinking dread because i had been under the assumption that a major character would be dead. and they would, but just as it's quoted in the actual goodreads summary for this book, the truth is much more complicated.

i've had such a memorable time reading all of tal bauer's books up to this point, and all of them had their happy endings--for some, it took quite a long and rocky journey to get there, but it was a happy ending all the same. with this story, i was genuinely sitting with the premature grief that this pairing, kris and david as i had known them, would not be so lucky. it took rifling through some non-spoilery goodreads reviews to figure out that it was really worth it to give their book a chance because wow, was it going to be heartbreaking but incredibly healing as well, and it was.

reading this 700-page long military fiction that is based on some real-life events/figures, with a lot of creative liberty used, it was such a long & heavy journey. there were scenes of extreme terror & torture that just made me feel empty for quite a bit, and to have to keep reading because there was still so much ahead for these characters, it was a time. it was a time to witness how the timelines of hush and whisper merged and completely rewired everything i thought i had known to make me that much more devastated.

i would never have imagined reading a story like this if it wasn't for the fact that it had been tal bauer who wrote this, and he wrote it so well. the romance was phenomenal, there's no questioning that, and the characters--kris & david's character arcs--they're put through so much and have so much trauma and guilt to work through. in moments where they try to take one step forward, they're immediately pulled back in the next minute, and it was terrifying as hell what they had to go through. reading to the end felt like a challenge of its own and once i reached the last page, i almost couldn't believe it but i was just so glad that i did.

.

.

and we're done!!

[castlebyersafterdark]

ok seeing as we are chatting underwear, this has opened up so many lines of enquiry for me that ive never found a forum for. i would love to hear your thoughts on this in whatever detail you like!

a family member recently exposed her crush on a girl from a band, and her shock and confusion cos she doesnt have any other queer leanings and never has. her husband was like 'i understand because women stereotypically are soft and smell good which is part of the appeal for [straight] men, whereas men stink and are dirty and hairy' lmaooooo

and i was like thats part of the appeal in a way i can't even explain. and since learning more about gay culture through byler tumblr, i have been pleasantly surprised to see all these things like... gay men can have armpit fetishes? they lick each other's armpits? and im like go for it! i have never ever had the urge to do that and dont know any female straight friends who have either, even though we too are attracted to men and masculinity. so the difference between these two types of masculine attraction fascinate me. i also tried licking my own armpit once - im a woman and it was relatively clean and hairless, and it still left a bitter, awful taste on my tongue that i literally couldnt get rid of lmaooooooooooo

so back to sears catalogue - i'm curious about this underwear as a sexual awakening for gay or queer men, because though i find men attractive, men's underwear has always been quite amusing to me? like it has to be practical in a way that women's just doesn't. so its almost like the male equivalent of a bra i guess, rather than ladies pants. but bras can be pretty and you dont often see pretty underwear for men that isn't based on feminine designs? your standard everyday men's underwear is intrinsically awkward NO SHADE - too tight and it's funny, too loose and it's considered boyish, too patterned and it's childish, too plain and it's still like a skin tight pair of shorts? i dont know, maybe all those elle girl magazine articles i read as a teen have been too influential on me.

i just think, in a way, that gay male desire is so much purer and more understanding than straight female desire. maybe because the latter comes with this sense of exotic unknowable-ness - at the end of the day, we will never truly understand men, and men won't understand us? and i suppose the other side of this coin is women being flummoxed with men finding us angelic or sweet smelling bla bla - because to women, we are just as gross as men lol. see above my armpit story !!!

so i guess i'd love to hear more details about how gay desire and attraction develops with regard to underwear/presentation/a body thats similar to your own in many ways yet also different and attractive. thanks!

This is sooooo interesting to me and I don't even know where to begin! I shall try.

In my honest opinion, sometimes... a man in just underwear (or a jock or some I guess you'd call it lingerie or whatever) is so much hotter than just full nude. And you know, I think other sexualities of many gender combos might agree, too, for what they like? It's like. Bodies are great, but so is the variation. It's how the body is framed, knowing what's underneath, it's still not the everyday thing you walk around in. It's funny you describe men's underwear as amusing and just practical because I may say the same thing about the standard bra? To me they're kind of a goofy item. But they serve a purpose. And maybe someone into women will see just the everyday bra and think it's the hottest thing ever because it's on a woman. I can understand the appeal of fancy undergarments on anyone, that makes total sense. Like I can look at a photo or whatever of a lady in a nice lingerie set and think, oh get it girl. She looks nice! But even the most basic of garments... men just look good in them? (Except boxers. I hate them hahaha. they're giving nothing.)

It's like... that first glimpse kind of sticks with people sometimes. Maybe it's not universal and everyday I am getting less and less concerned about getting personal on here lol but. It's def a thing for me? There's something so simply hot about a man in a nice pair of briefs. It's just hot? So maybe that's why I do talk about it a lot hahaha. We all have our things! It's chill! Nudity is not the be all end all.

No idea about this younger generation and how sexual desire develops, (which is an odd topic I know, but that's human nature, it doesn't have to be weird!!) because so young they all have access to the internet from the get go (I know my relative's 6 year old kid has a smartphone??? WHY) and all that is available. Before that, what did you get your hands on? What's arriving in the mail for so many? What do you see at the store? It was the 00s/10s but I wasn't looking at straight up porn online until middle school lol. I'm just speaking from personal experience, since I spoke about the department store catalogs. Can I unlock the mysteries of attraction and how people develop what? Absolutely not, gimme a call when there's a way to figure it out haha.

It's interesting the mention of the way men and woman view each other, and maybe how men view other men, women to other women. And I don't always subscribe to the idea that everything is so different, so defined. I'm sure there are women who also find the very things I'm attracted to in a man also very hot. Why do gay men have a thing for armpits? I don't know, because it's part of a man haha. Why do straight men like women's feet? Because the foot can be hot to them and it's on a woman! Why do women look at other women's hands and think that's hot? Bodies are what we've got, we're gonna be into them, if you experience attraction. None of those examples I just listed are even inherently sexual body parts. Sexuality is vaaaaaast and fascinating.

To relate this to the show in a way since this is what spawned the topic: to me the scene is comedic than anything like I didn't look at this scene and feel attraction, I'm beyond that - but the opening with Mike in s4 when he's barely dressed frantic for school? It's interesting to think, maybe that was an awakening for some young gay boy who didn't quite know themselves yet, like they like the show and they like that character a lot and didn't get why. But they see him in his underwear and it's just... one more thing that sparks something for them. Super interesting when you think about formative moments. Love the entire topic of some otherwise innocent movies or shows and there's just some scene that sticks out to you as you're young and starting to get hit with hormones and desire.