#and his parents told me the teachers told them he struggles with logic so if i could help with that..... bro !! what do you think ive been

[zaggyzoo]

ngl i feel like my "student" isn't taking studying seriously lately and it's frustrating bc they're doing stuff that's like. the basics and it's gonna be hard in the future if he doesn't have these down so :/

[apuckishwit]

Interlude: The Besties Conspire

A preview of chapter 28 of Rolled a 1 on the Check, Rolled a 20 on the Save on AO3

All told, living with Steve turns out to be one of the best decisions she and Vickie have ever made.

There are a few hiccups and minor squabbles of course. Going from living alone (or with just his significant other) to having three roommates is an adjustment for Steve. Despite knowing it’s a good idea that will benefit them tremendously in the long run, it is kind of a weird dynamic to be letting Steve pay the entirety of the rent and just pitch in for groceries and utilities. Logically, she knows he can well afford it and he’s doing it out of love and a desire to help pull her, Vickie, and Chrissy up into the place of financial stability his grandparents’ trust fund let him achieve…but it’s still kind of weird.

They work through it, and within a few weeks, it’s smooth sailing. Chrissy throws herself into interviewing for a teaching position in and around her hometown, with her student teaching coming to an end in another month. Robin and Vickie start talking about Vickie maybe quitting her job over the summer so she can apply for some of the internships her marketing professor talks about. It’s never been an option for them before, but it could really help Vickie land a good job when she graduates next year. Then she can support them while Robin finishes her linguistics degree. Steve starts classes and he and Chrissy often spend the evenings bent over his notes and books, going over things while he finds his stride in school again.

After about his second week of classes, it’s Chrissy who sits down with him and asks very nicely if he’s ever been tested for any learning disabilities. “You kind of remind me of some of my kids with ADD, but honestly, the way you describe things, you might just have a general processing delay. Your brain works just fine, it just takes a little longer to digest everything.”

“A few of my teachers wanted to have me tested over the years, but my parents never allowed it. I got by. I was thinking of going to student services and seeing what I’d have to do to get some kind of accommodations, but I got distracted getting registered and moving apartments and everything.”

“If you stop by the student services office and get the forms, I can help you fill them out and make an appointment for the testing. In the meantime, I really think it’d help you if you recorded your lectures instead of trying to take notes. That way, you can highlight the really important stuff as you go, and then come back for anything you missed later.”

Steve looks so stunned at the idea Robin has to laugh a little, even as her heart aches for the thought of her best friend struggling more than he had to, with parents who never cared enough about him to help.

Well fuck it, Steve’s got a whole new family now. One that absolutely will never leave him struggling by himself.

And it’s because he’s got a whole new family that will never leave him struggling, of which Robin is one of the chief parts if she does say so herself, that she and Vickie are determined to help him solve The Eddie Problem. All joking about emotional support lesbians and community bi laws aside, Steve’s her best friend. Her best friend who has made her and her girlfriend’s lives an order of magnitude less stressful, who she loves like a brother, and who she wants to see as deliriously happy with his partner as she is with hers (sue her—she’s happy and in love and she wants to spread that shit around like peanut butter on a slice of bread). And Steve seems pretty fixated on Eddie Munson, but utterly unconvinced that he has a shot.

Which is why she and Vickie are currently perched on the couch on either side of Steve, a huge plate of pulled pork loaded nachos (with the warmer weather, Steve’s cooking class has been doing barbecue lately, and it’s the best thing ever) balanced on Steve’s lap and his laptop set up on the coffee table in front of them. They’ve been watching recordings of this Eddie guy’s streams on and off for about a week now, a few hours at a time, and the number of times she and Vickie have exchanged loaded looks over Steve’s head is ludicrous.

A tilt of Vickie’s eyebrow as Eddie calls Steve some sappy pet name for the umpteenth time: Are you hearing this?

Robin presses her lips together and widens her eyes: He’s not being even remotely subtle.

Robin jerks her chin and shrugs a shoulder when Steve laughs a little too loudly at some joke Eddie’s just made: I can’t believe the dingus ever questioned if he was bi.

Vickie waggles her eyebrows: Right?

Robin sucks her cheeks in like a fish and rolls her eyes heavenward: They’ve got it so bad for each other, it’s making me physically ill.

Vickie smacks her lips and flutters her eyelashes: These nachos are incredible.

“Oh my God, they are!” Robin says out loud, prompting Steve to shoot her a confused look. Robin just ruffles his hair and stuffs another tortilla chip loaded down with pulled pork, barbecue sauce, melted cheese, red onions, and sour cream into her mouth. After a moment, Steve gets distracted by something on the stream, pausing it and rewinding it a few seconds only to listen to the same description of some guard tower in some town before letting out a triumphant hah!. He doesn’t elaborate though, and so Robin pays it no mind. She’s got bigger things to think about.

Like the fact that Eddie Munson has been heavily flirting with her best friend for literal months. Like, it’s not even “I want to get in your pants” flirting, they’re well into “I want to marry you and have your babies, shall we adopt or get a surrogate?” territory. But Steve…her dear, sweet dingus who is somehow simultaneously one of the most mature and emotionally intelligent people she knows and a completely oblivious idiot…will never believe her and Vickie if they tell him that.

She’s going to have to get creative.

She glances down into the chat window displayed at the bottom of Munson’s stream. She and Vickie both clocked the little tally game some of Munson’s regular viewers have going every time he and Steve do or say something that reveals how goddamn down bad they are for each other. And she’s also noticed that one of them in particular seems to be someone who knows Munson in real life, if the side comments he makes to the commenter on mic are anything to go by.

She looks over at her girlfriend and wrinkles her nose, slanting a look down at the chat window where Gare-Bear-Stare has just made another tally mark after Munson took actually kind of an absurdly long time describing Steve’s character’s muscles flexing as he helped heave one of the boys’ characters out of a river crossing: We should talk to this guy.

Vickie gives her a discreet thumbs-up: Absolutely.

Then she presses her hand to her bosom and swoons back against the couch: Seriously, this sauce is to die for.

“It is! I’d eat this on a floor tile!” Robin replies.

“What the hell are you two talking about?” Steve asks.

[rhumbline]

Let’s go back to my first decade of life. About 8 years in, my brother and I were given two guitars by dear friends of the family. One, a Cort, was your standard, round sound hole spruce top acoustic guitar- beautiful for a beginner and what my brother claimed first dibs on. Very well, as my heart was set on the other guitar from the moment I saw it. A black arch top, white binding,white pick guard, which I remember as a Gibson, or possibly a Fender, (more likely a Silvertone) with two elegant f-holes…but with a neck separating from the body, an action that was not just high but impossible. But it was, very beautiful to me. I would play with the tuners, and try to play music, and of course it sounded awful. At some point, it was thrown out as useless (by my parents, not me). The Cort lives on, my brother’s child has it now. But at the end of that first decade, I decided I too wanted to play guitar. I went to a small mom and pop music shop. Rented a guitar there, bought the beginners book and paid my three weeks of lawn mowing money (a he-huge sum in those days) for a set of three lessons, at the end of which I was told by the teacher that I was wasting my time and his, and that I would never play anything, much less guitar. I abashedly returned my rental, threw out the book, and that was that.

Until.

Several decades later, and a couple months ago, I was having a conversation with some musician friends, and they asked me why I never learned an instrument, given my love of music. “I’m hopeless with instruments” I said- and relayed the above to them. One of my friends got quite upset at what I thought was me, and when I asked about it, he wasn’t- but he said he knew that sort of instructor and he looked at me in a funny odd sort of way.

I thought about that conversation all the way home, and for weeks after, And then it struck me. I was 10. How the fuck did anyone know what I could do? Especially someone as backwater as I was, really? So, I did what felt logical.

I bought a guitar. A used guitar- and one I found out that I got a fairly huge bargain on. It’s a spalted maple acoustic guitar. I downloaded an app to teach me how to play but then I had a thought- I might learn some bad habits from the app, so it made more sense to go to a teacher. Found a great one. Get this; I’ve learned what’s called the cowboy chords (open chords ) and I’m struggling with barre chords. Can’t do them properly yet. Yet.

Also, there was an auction for a music store that went out of business, and I jokingly bid on three guitars thinking I would be outbid on them. I did not set high bids. In fact, they were just a little above starting bid. It was just for fun. I was just thinking about guitars and how much joy I was having learning. I still can’t do a c- chord without muting some strings with my hand. But I bid on these as a joke- a sort of joyous amusement.

So I now own four guitars- the one I bought for learning on, and now two classical and one additional acoustic- which sounds brighter and livelier than my original. Classical guitars have a wider, flatter neck - so fingers spread more to create chords.

And I try to play on all four. It’s wonderful- but now, I’m on the lookout for a black arch top, with white binding and elegant f-holes. We’ll see. But damn it , I can play guitar and if there’s something you wanted but were told by some jackass that you couldn’t have because you were not good enough? Fuck em and go for it.

[tssidesfics]

Requests: Analogince where they’re human and also single dads? And they all meet because their kids fought and got called to the principals office

Virgil's POV

Upsides to being a single father to a child with ADHD: you got to raise a beautiful, special boy with a sharp mind. You got to teach him all the coping mechanisms you'd painstakingly learned over the years to cope with his condition and watch as he lit up over the things that brought him joy. You got to watch as he zipped from topic to topic, brighter than the sun, mind racing at a million miles an hour. You got to be the first person to hear about his beautifully creative ideas. You got to have a reason for living, all yours and wonderful, that you didn't have to share with anyone else.

Downsides to being a single father to a child with ADHD: you had no one else to pass the buck to when he got in trouble at school.

"It'll be fine," I chanted to myself for the billionth time as I turned off the ignition and unbuckled myself, gripping the steering wheel and forcing deep, measured breaths. "It'll be fine. He probably won't get expelled for this. This is his first fight and you don't even know why he got into a fight. You didn't raise a bully, so he was probably defending himself or another kid." Terror clasped me around the throat and squeezed. "But what if you did raise a bully and you didn't realize it, and now you've sentenced your son to a life of crime trying to make up for the hole in his heart where his father should have loved him oh God I broke my son!"

Immediately, my therapist's voice spoke up in my mind. You're catastrophizing again, he said in that obnoxiously aware, gentle way of his. Calm down. Take it one step at a time.

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, focusing on the feeling of my stomach and then my chest expanding with air. I let it out through pursed lips, a quiet whistle in the exhale.

I'd played through scenarios like this a million times in my mind. The second Cassie told me, five months pregnant with tears streaming down her cheeks, that she didn't want the baby, I'd prepared myself for any possibility. I'd created contingency plans and contingency plans for my contingency plans, because I knew how much harsher the world would be on him. With a grandparent, his biological mother, and me all with ADHD, there hadn't been any doubt Drew would get it, too, and I'd prepared for that. I'd prepared for the possibility that poor grades and emotional dysregulation would put him on the back foot and even get him expelled. I'd taught him all the coping mechanisms I could. I'd tried to show him as much love and patience as I could muster, and I'd show him the same now. We'd get through this. We would make it through this.

I nodded, resolute, even as doubt and worry niggled at the back of my mind. I'd raised Drew alone, without any support from my parents or Cassie, working a call center job that barely paid enough to live off of. I'd demanded a child psychiatrist the second Drew started displaying symptoms and beat the system for the help he deserved. I'd beat the system for the help I deserved. I was a badass. I was a badass.

I got out of the car.

The two people at the front desk--a woman with strawberry blonde hair and a baby-faced guy--looked over, presumably torn from their conversation, when I walked through the door. The woman swiveled her chair to face me with a friendly smile. "Hello there," she said. "How may I help you?"

I forced myself to look her in the eyes and strained through a smile. If you act like a weirdo, it'll just make things worse for Drew. "Hey," I said. "I'm, uh...Drew Griffith's father. You called me and--"

"Oh!" She gestured to the side, at a door that read: PRINCIPAL MOROZOV. "He's in there."

I looked over and gulped, staring in fear at the door. "Say, uh..." I smiled at the woman as politely as I could. "You wouldn't happen to know the correct social etiquette for talking to the principal after your son gets into a fight at school, would you?"

She gave me a funny look. "Huh?"

"Never mind." I hung my head in defeat and commenced the walk of dread to the front door of the office. The wall facing me was all glass, which meant I could see inside. Two adults, one natural-haired in a polo shirt with his arm around one of the kids in the chair beside him and the other behind a desk, looking stern. I couldn't see the other two kids or any other adults.

And then Principal Morozov spotted me through the glass and shit, I was out of time.

I took a deep breath and opened the door. "Sorry it took me so long," I said, hoping that was the right thing to say. "It was hard getting off work."

"It's all right," Principal Morozov said. "We haven't even reached Mr. Accardo yet."

"Hey, Dad," came the halfhearted voice of Drew, hidden behind a chair too big for him, especially when he slumped in it like that.

I peered over the top and smiled at him softly. "What the heck, kid?" I asked.

"He called Patton a freak." Drew pointed at the kid in the middle, with a busted nose and--oh God.

He had scattered burn marks across the right side of his face, with two differently-colored eyes and a scowl.

"So of course you had to beat me up," the kid sneers. "Because that's a perfectly rational, healthy thing to do."

The third kid--Patton, I presumed--bounced in his seat, humming in distress. His father, a man wearing glasses and a polo shirt with a tie, rubbed his back.

"I don't see why my son has to be here," the other father said, looking at Principal Morozov. "He didn't do anything."

“Patton sits alone at lunch time and doesn’t have any friends,” the principal said. “We think if he tried to get along with his peers better, he’d have a happier time here.”

“Or, you know, you could make an effort to teach your students not to bully kids who are different from them,” I grumbled.

“What was that, Mr. Griffiths?”

I hesitated, glancing up at Principal Morozov, then back at Drew. On one hand, I wanted to lead by example: teach Drew that it was okay to stand up to authority for what he believed. On the other, sometimes, you had to pay lip-service to authority just to stay out of trouble. It was a lesson no child had the mental capacities to understand, but I supposed I’d have to do my best to teach him, because if I gave Principal Morozov cheek, he might expel Drew.

“Nothing, sir,” I said, feeling like a child cowering beneath the glare of my teachers again. I prepared to search for the bullshit in the story I was about to get fed and asked, “What happens now?”

"I'd prefer to wait for Mr. Accardo," the principal said.

"Roman teaches at a high school," the bully grumbled, slouched over with a glare fixated on the desk. "He's probably in the middle of class."

"Then you're going to have to stay after school to address this," Principal Morozov told him sternly.

"Whatever."

I had a very bad feeling about that kid. The scars on his face told a frightening story. He could just as easily be bullied for those as Drew got bullied for his ADHD and Patton for being a loner, which probably meant he turned that abuse outward and attacked others for their perceived differences in a never-ending cycle of abuse.

What? I could be bad at people and have a special interest in human psychology. Those two things were not mutually exclusive.

Suddenly, the door banged open. I jumped out of my skin, clamping a hand over my chest and struggling to breathe levelly, eyes crushed shut and body frozen. Then I heard the babbling.

"I'm sorry!" The principal's door opened. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. The kids were in the middle of rehearsal and--Janus, what happened? I'm so sorry, Mr. Morozov." A frazzled man with warm skin rushed inside and sat down next to the bully--Janus--hastily hugging him and turning his attention to the principal.

I frowned at the scene. I withheld judgment and looked at Principal Morozov as he said, "All right. Now that you're all here, there are going to be some serious consequences to what happened today."

********

"I can't believe you let him give me detention!" Drew whined. "Janus deserved to get punched!"

"And you deserve to die abandoned and unloved in a ditch, steeping in your own feces," Janus snapped.

"Janus," his father, Roman, said firmly, kneeling down and taking him by the shoulders. Janus tried to turn away from him, but Roman lightly shook him and made him meet his eyes. He softened. "I know how much you're hurting, but a hero never redirects his pain onto others. There are other ways."

"What if I don't want to be a hero?" Janus snapped. "What if I want to be the bad guy?"

"I don't believe that," Roman said gently, adjusting his bangs. "I don't think you do, either."

Janus turned from him sharply, crossing his arms and glaring at the asphalt. He sniffled.

Drew glanced up at me in confusion and I rubbed his back. "Sometimes," I said gently, "when people are hurting, they deal with that by hurting other people."

"That's stupid," Drew said with the blunt confidence of a ten-year-old.

"Maybe a little," I agreed, "but humans aren't always logical." Drew wrinkled his nose. "I know. It's so annoying, but it's true. You're not always logical, either. Remember when you burst out crying because your pencil broke?"

"Dad!" Drew turned bright red.

Roman chuckled. "So." He stood up and crossed his arms. "You're the little rascal who dared challenge Janus to a duel for--Patton, right?" He looked at Mr. Davis--or Logan, as he'd introduced himself--who nodded. "You're the rascal who challenged Janus to a duel for Patton's honor," Roman finished.

"He was being an asshole," Drew protested.

"I'd say it's not my fault he uses that language," I said through a wince, "but it's definitely my fault he uses that language."

"I'm the same way with Janus, don't worry." Roman chuckled--a low, rumbly sound. He turned back to Drew. "You're got a paladin's heart and a temper. I was a lot like you when I was a kid."

Drew snorted. "You think you're cute, don't you?"

"He's always like this," Janus said, shoving in front of Roman. "He thinks it's so inspiring to talk about heroes all the time, like fairy tales are the best thing ever."

"That's gotta be annoying," Drew said, wrinkling his nose.

"It is." Janus stopped and scowled. "Don't relate to me!"

"Ew! You're a jerk! Get away from me!"

I exchanged a fond, exasperated look with Roman, who chuckled and squeezed Janus' shoulder. "Hey," he said, "maybe, if you apologized, you could have a friend."

"I don't want to apologize."

"So you'd rather another kid think you're a horrible person!"

Janus hesitated a moment before straightened his back. "Yes."

"I don't believe that."

I glanced over at Logan and saw that he was busy talking to Patton, kneeling on the ground and smoothing his hands over his shoulders in measured strokes. It seemed to soothe Patton. I looked at Drew.

"You know how it sometimes hurts you when you think about your Aunt Cassie?" I said softly, pulling him into my side as the shadow washed over his face.

"He called Patton a freak, Dad," Drew argued. "He's not even really my friend, but he's not a freak. He's just...different. Like me."

"I know, kiddo," I said, squeezing him against my side. "You don't have to give him a chance. He hasn't asked forgiveness, and you wouldn't owe him one even if you did. I just know you don't like to see people struggling alone."

Drew hesitated.

I looked over at Logan. "How's Patton?"

Logan glanced back at me, then looked at Patton. "Do you want to answer?"

Patton hesitated.

"It's okay," I said, not looking at his face. Patton hadn't made eye contact with a single person, including his father, since I'd met him. He clearly had more trouble with it than I did, and I wasn't always a huge fan. "I'm autistic, too."

Patton immediately perked up. "Really?"

"Yeah." I smiled, looking over the top of his head. I looked at Drew. "Can I tell him about you?"

"I'm ADHD," Drew told him, turning to him. "I got diagnosed last year."

"Oh cool!" Patton flapped his hands at his sides and bounced eagerly. "I don't, I don't think, because I'm actually pretty good at focusing most of the time and I have a really good memory, but Dad says autism and ADHD are really close together. It's really nice to meet someone else! I don't have many friends."

"Well, I guess you have me," Drew said. "I didn't get in trouble defending you for nothing."

Patton squealed and continued stimming enthusiastically. Drew offered a hug, which Patton considered for a long moment before accepting.

Logan smiled softly at the exchange and looked over to me. "You've raised a very kind son."

"More than half of it is all him," I said. "I do the best I can, but...I'm just one person. He's probably gonna hate me once he's a teenager."

"Nuh-uh!" Drew objected, charging over to embrace me around the middle. I smiled and hugged him close, squeezing him as tight as was safe. He grunted.

I caught Janus staring at us. I couldn't read his expression. He was glaring, but I had a feeling it wasn't anger. But clearly, Roman did understand it, because he knelt down and hugged him close, even when he tried to push him away. He just held fast. I thought for sure Janus would react badly--he hadn't wanted to be held, what was wrong with Roman?--but then he slowly relaxed and leaned against him. I still couldn't read him very well, but that...didn't look particularly resigned.

"You know," Roman said, pulling back after a long while, "I bet Drew and Patton would be willing to forgive you if you really, really earnestly apologized."

Janus shoved away from him, crossing his arms and glaring at the ground. "I don't want to apologize."

Roman sighed heavily, and Drew whirled on him. "You're such a freaking jerk!" he screamed. "What's wrong with you? Why do you have to be a jerk to everyone? I tried to be your friend and you just spit on me!"

"I don't want your pity!"

"It wasn't pity!"

"It's always pity!" Janus screeched. "You think I don't know what these scars make me? You think I don't know I'm a freak? If the fire didn't teach me that, then my parents sure did! I'm nothing! The only reason anyone would be nice to me is pity and I don't want anyone's pity! I just want to be left alone!"

Janus turned and ran. Roman chased after him frantically, never sparing Logan or I a glance.

Drew and Patton stood stunned. Drew looked at Patton, who stared at his forehead. "Well..." he said. "What the heck am I supposed to do now?"

Patton ran in the direction of Janus.

At that point, about the only thing for Drew and I to do was chase after his new friend, hot on the heels of his father.

We found Patton with his backpack unzipped, standing beside Janus' car door, already buckled in with Roman partway into the driver's seat, holding out a picture of a flower.

"It's ivy," Patton said. "It means friendship."

Janus stared at him through the window, unmoving. Patton, to my shock, held his gaze for one, two moments and then averted his eyes. Logan hurried over to hold him, clearly expecting Janus to reject him again.

Janus opened the car door. "Why would you want to be my friend?"

"He didn't say he wanted to be your friend," Drew sneered. "He just said it meant friendship, dummy."

"Drew," I chided softly, and he recoiled into my side.

"Because it's nice to know I'm not the only one who can't make any friends," Patton said. "I like having other friends who are special."

"I'm not special," Janus snapped.

"Dad says that being different is always special, because different people have discovered some of the coolest, prettiest things ever."

"It's true," Logan said. "Albert Einstein, Hans Christian Anderson, and Michelangelo. were all autistic."

"See?" Patton bounced and beamed at Janus. "So maybe we can all be different and special together and do really cool things one day! Like the three Musketeers."

Janus considered strongly. "I'm Athos."

"You can be whoever you want to be!" Patton said earnestly. "Then we can all have lots of musketcheer."

Drew, Roman and I choked on a laugh. Logan shook his head fondly. "He watches one sitcom that likes puns and he suddenly won't stop," he said.

Even Janus cracked a small smile. He accepted the paper. "Fine," he said. "We can have musketcheer."

Drew pouted. "Does this mean I'm your friend now?"

"Yes," Patton said firmly, looking at him.

Drew jumped, looking fearfully at Patton, who somehow managed to look intimidating while also avoiding eye contact. He looked up at me. "What have I done?" he asked.

"Made friends." I rubbed his back. I looked around. "We should probably get all these guys home. They've had a long day, and school will be letting out soon."

"I guess now that all our kids are friends, I'll be seeing more of you," Roman said to both Logan and me.

Logan hummed. "I presume so. Patton does not own a phone of his own. I can give you my number if your children wish to contact him?"

"I hate to say it, but you should probably get him his own phone," I said. "It's dangerous not to have one. If I ever lost sight of Drew...I'd rather he have a phone."

Logan considered this. "I suppose you have a point. Nevertheless, for the moment, you'll have to go through me to reach Patton."

"Don't have to ask me twice. Here." Roman accepted Logan's phone and typed in Janus' number, then passing it to Drew, who stared at it for a moment.

I recited his number to him and he punched it in. "Don't worry, kid," I said. "One day, you're going to have to tell so many doctors your number that it's going to be emblazoned on your brain."

After all numbers had been exchanged, I shook Logan's and Roman's hands goodbye and let Patton and Drew embrace again. Janus stayed stubbornly in his seat, refusing any sort of affection, which kind of concerned me, but then Roman whispered, "This is the most receptive he's been since I started fostering him."

I nodded and smiled, leading Drew back toward the car. He looked at me. "I guess I have friends now."

I glanced back toward Roman's car as it drove away and caught Logan's eye as he loaded into his own. He smiled at me.

"Yeah," I said. "I think I might have, too."

[chilligyu]

info: lee jihoon/gender neutral reader, pg, best friends to lovers au genre: fluff, romance | word ct: 5.5k warnings: none summary: when it came to love, no one was prepared. not even jihoon, who could spend hours turning words into magic, especially when love was mysteriously delivered in the form of a letter to his locker. note: heavily inspired by to all the boys I've loved before, but with a twist! no love triangles or anything like that, so just enjoy awkward people falling in love! and thank you to @dreamystuffers and @starlightjoong for taking a sneak peek and telling me what you think!

tagging: @xfirebenderx, @moriiyun, @ohmygoshcheese, @gyu-log

Lee Jihoon, a genius in many ways, was never good when it came to words. At least, not the spoken kind. The kind that you had to think up on the spot, responses, answers, comebacks, small talk, he was absolutely terrible at it. But if you gave him the time to think, to really dwell on his thoughts, he could create something truly beautiful. Which was why he preferred to express his feelings with letters. And while, yes, he could pen something magnificent, the next great classic novel perhaps, he typically kept his messages short and to the point. Much like the man himself.

There was one time that he wrote a “letter” that was simply—

F U C K Y O U

—printed out on seven separate sheets of paper and taped to a row of lockers. All in response to a teacher confiscating his iPod. No one could prove it was him, though, and nothing happened in response to it. He never admitted to his crimes, and despite it being painfully obvious who the author of the message was, there was no hard proof pointing to the culprit. It became the most well-known secret at their high school. And Lee Jihoon became somewhat of a living legend because of it.

The only one who knew the truth was you. His best friend. You were his go-to when it came to proof reading all of his letters. He was the writer, you were the editor. Half the time you were also a berating parent, chastising him for trying to assault people with words. Which was also why, more often than not, his letters never got sent. He would sit in his room for hours, writing letters that were either half the length of novels or only a few sentences long, and after giving it over to be edited, it would get tucked away in his desk drawer. Never to be seen or heard from again.

See, Jihoon was an emotional person. Not in the sense that most people would assume, he didn’t get offended easily, one mean comment wouldn’t leave him crying, he was simply—emotional. Whatever he was feeling, whether it be good or bad, it was powerful, sometimes overwhelming. So instead of erupting like a hormonal volcano, which he had already done plenty of, he put his emotions to paper. At the behest of his aforementioned best friend.

“You can’t go around yelling at people.” You began one afternoon just after entering high school. “Even if you’re writing it down, you’re still yelling at people.”

Jihoon, the definition of “hard to read”, was visibly pouting. “You’re the one who told me to write down how I feel. Now I can’t even send these to anyone?”

“I mean, you can.” You backpedalled. “I’m not your mother, despite Seokmin’s insistence. I can’t stop you from doing anything you’ve set your heart to. All I can do is advise you not to because you’re going to have a terrible few years here if everyone hates you.”

He clearly wasn’t thrilled by your logical response, but he admitted defeat anyway. “Fine. Don’t send the letters that I write. I get it. No one wants to read them.”

You groaned loudly. “You are so dramatic. I’m saying don’t send the literal hate mail to people. Don’t send the stuff you write to vent out your feelings. But if there’s something you want to say to someone, something that you can’t bring yourself to say out loud, by all means! Send the thing! I know you loathe the idea of talking to people, you also hate being misunderstood more.”

He also hated how well you knew him, not that he would ever say that out loud.

That was also something he wrote down in a letter, one he decided to send.

You crumpled it up immediately and threw it back at his face.

“Letters are powerful things, Jihoon.” You added. “They can break hearts, mend souls, and change lives with nothing more than words. Because words mean so many different things to so many different people. You just gotta say the right ones.”

At first, he was only humoring you. Honestly, he thought you completely senile until he gave it a shot. After spending hours hunched over his desk writing things no one else would see, he was starting to realize that maybe you had a point. Instead of roaming the halls shouting obscenities in his head, he was able to reassure himself by knowing he could write about it later. Even the smallest grievance, he would write it down. He would sometimes scribble it down on the margin of a textbook if he was feeling particularly overwhelmed in the middle of the day.

The letters became his therapy, his outlet, eventually he could stroll past some annoying upperclassmen and not feel rage coursing through his veins. It was—nice, almost. Not being subjected to his own hectic imagination at every turn. Feeling at peace for the first time in what felt like ages.

Until he found a letter in his locker, one addressed to him during his senior year. From a secret admirer. The contents of which would be seared into his memory for the remainder of time.

Lee Jihoon, it began.

I have never been able to tell you how I feel, in person or in a letter. For several months now, I’ve tried. I’ve tried to write letters like you for so long, and I just can’t get the words right. I don’t know how you do it. So I’m going to do something different. I’m going to stop being scared. If you meet me in the courtyard after school, I’m going to be brave for the first time in my life. Please help me be brave, Jihoon.

Again and again, he read that short letter. Practically baffled that someone out there wrote an honest-to-god letter that was addressed to an honest-to-god person. And that he wasn’t the writer, that he was the recipient. The thought alone made his heart race, and to comprehend that this secret admirer perhaps harbored feelings towards him? It was next to impossible. But no one writes a letter without true emotion behind it. That’s a fact he was coming to understand.

“I need you to come with me.” He told you after showing you the letter. “I’m—I’m not sure I can do this alone.”

You rolled your eyes. “Jihoon, obviously this person doesn’t want to make a public event out of their confession. You should really do this without me.”

“I know, and I’m not asking you to stand at my side or anything.” He reiterated. “Can you like—stand in a bush or something? If I know that you’re there I won’t feel the need to—"

“Did you just ask me to stand in a bush?” You guffawed. “You did not just ask me to stand in a bush Lee Jihoon because if you did then you’re about to get your ass kicked into next year!”

“I didn’t mean literally!” He quickly denied when he did, in fact, mean it literally. “Just—stand around the corner, okay? Be my moral support!”

Pursing your lips, you knew that there was no getting out of this. “Alright, fine. I’ll come with you. But I’m not happy about it.”

“I’ll pay you back, I promise.” He swore. “Have I ever told you that you’re the best?”

A smirk teased at your lips. “You could mention it more.”

“Consider it done.” Jihoon grinned, gathering up his things and heading for the door. “Don’t forget! After school! Courtyard! Don’t be late!”

Once he was gone and you were completely alone, your face fell in disappointment. “I wouldn’t dream of it…”

By the time that school was finally over for the day, Jihoon was a bundle of overactive nerves. He was excited and terrified and anxious and nauseous all at once. The bombarding sensations kept him cemented in place, gripping the edge of his desk until his knuckles were about to burst through. He had been like that for the entirety of their last class, still as a statue as a cold sweat broke out across his brow. You were standing in front of him, head tilted and wondering what he was planning to do next.

“Class is over.” You reminded him. “Everyone’s left.”

Very slowly, he nodded. “Y-yeah. I can see that.”

His voice sounded as if it had been completely stripped down. Like he had screamed himself hoarse by saying those few words.

“Your secret admirer is probably waiting.” You tried to spur him. “We should get going before I change my mind and head home.”

He audibly swallowed past a lump in his throat. “Well—maybe that’s best. Yeah, I can wait until tomorrow.”

You eyed him incredulously. “You’re going to stay here until tomorrow. You’re insane, get up.”

“I’d rather not.”

“And I’d rather not grow old and die here.” You countered. “C’mon, Jihoon. Your admirer asked you to help them be brave, how exactly is this helping them?”

He had to admit, you had a point. If they were brave enough to put their feelings out there, he had to at least meet them half way.

Sighing loudly, he started to pry his fingers off his desk. “Alright, fine. We’ll do things your way.”

You rolled your eyes for perhaps the hundredth time. “You’re absolutely insufferable. Why do I hang out with you?”

“Because I’m funny.” He said with the most serious face in the world.

Which actually made you laugh.

“I hate you.” You chuckled. “C’mon, let’s get going while we’re still young.”

Jihoon inhaled and exhaled deeply to calm himself down.

This is just the beginning.

Except—it wasn’t.

He stood in the courtyard, seemingly alone, with the note that brought him there clutched tight in his hand. As his moral support you were keeping your distance, as promised, but no one else joined you. Minutes passed and he did his best to remain hopeful. It was hard, especially when a familiar voice nagged at the back of his mind. The same one he struggled with every day to ignore.

No one would ever like you, so why did you bother thinking otherwise?

While the negative thoughts slowly took over, Jihoon didn’t know what to do next. He was defeated, almost destroyed. And even though you walked up behind him and took his hand in yours, it did little to stop the bitter tears from welling in his eyes.

“I should’ve known…” He whispered angrily. “This was all just—a joke. It’s always a joke. Who could ever like me?”

“Stop it, Jihoon.” You hissed at him, squeezing his hand tighter. “They said they were scared, maybe they couldn’t follow through with it. Maybe they were afraid of being rejected. You never know what’s going through someone’s head. Don’t beat yourself up, okay?”

Nothing you said was going to make him feel better. He quickly wrenched himself from your grip and backed away from you.

“I’m going home.” He clipped. “Bye.”

Before he left, he made sure to crumple up the note and toss it at your feet. When his heart was broken, he wore it on his sleeve. You understood what Jihoon was feeling, he had been living with an extremely low self esteem due to his height and his general inability to make friends for as long as you knew him. He was quiet, shy, reserved, he was slow to open up to others and hesitant to trust. That’s why you tried to be excited for him, and now that things hadn’t gone as planned in more ways than one your heart ached just like his.

The next day, Jihoon strolled into class like a drunk zombie. By the looks of him, he hadn’t slept a wink. Too busy being destroyed by his own thoughts to bother with anything like sustenance or sleep. He took up his seat beside you, and you immediately shoved your desk into his.

“Still upset?” You asked, even though you already knew the answer.

Sluggishly he lifted his head up and then quickly dropped it back down.

It was worse than you thought.

“Are you going to talk to me today?” You teased in an attempt to get a reaction. “Or am I going to have to go bother Hansol?”

Grumbling slightly, the barely responsive mass that was your best friend raised his hand and dropped a crumpled wad of paper on your desk. At first, you assumed it was just another one of his letters. They weren’t uncommon when he was feeling—unwell.

But it was another note from his secret admirer.

You were startled because he didn’t usually stop at his locker in the morning.

Lee Jihoon, it started similarly.

I’m sorry for not showing up yesterday, I was scared. I couldn’t bring myself to face you, please don’t be mad at me. I’d like to keep writing you letters, if that’s okay. Let’s get to know each other and maybe one day I can be brave again.

Once you were finished reading, you immediately began analyzing Jihoon’s face again. You had never seen him look like this before, completely vacant. While he was hard to read to the entire world, he was always an open book to you. Now reading him was nearly impossible even with your expertise.

“What are you gonna do?”

He shrugged lazily. “I don’t know. Sit here for the rest of eternity. Wait for the soft embrace of death.”

“Jihoon.” You exasperated. “We both know you’re not actually going to do that.”

Except he actually might and you actually couldn’t take that chance.

“Are you going to write them a letter?” You tried, again. “Maybe that will work out better.”

“I already did.” He murmured. “I don’t think they want to read it though.”

“Jesus Christ…” You groaned loudly, taking Jihoon’s face in your hands and looking him dead in his lifeless eyes. “They still like you, they’re scared and human like the rest of us, it is not the end of the world! Give them another chance and stop being such a goddamn drama queen!”

Silence. Pure unadulterated and perfectly aggravating silence.

“Alright, you leave me no choice. I’m bringing out the big guns.”

Being careful to keep an eye on the teacher, you pulled out your phone and started texting Jihoon’s mother. According to your message, you and Jihoon were going to be studying late at the library, and he would probably need to spend the night at your house. Which wasn’t a complete lie, maybe you would get some studying done. But, in all honesty, you had other things in mind.

“Take your pick.” You instructed, a box set in each hand. “Descendants of the Sun, or Record of Youth.”

Immediately after school, you dragged your best friend to your house and sat him down in front of the TV. Your parents didn’t even question it when you told them this intervention was a matter of life and death, that the patient might need to be admitted for the night. They simply let you do what needed to be done.

Jihoon, who had been relatively catatonic for the past 24 hours, finally showed a glimmer of something. He gave the slightest suggestion of a nod towards Descendants of the Sun and you happily popped in the first disk. As you claimed a spot beside him, popcorn and banana milk in tow, he naturally relaxed against you. You were the only person who got to see him unguarded like that, the only person he himself would allow. And while he was typically someone who kept his true self hidden from the world, there was a part of him that would forever belong only to you.

“Thanks.” He practically whispered, resting his head on your shoulder. “I—I needed this.”

“I know.” You smiled. “Are you ready to talk yet?”

He sighed heavily. “No. Not really. I still have a lot of thinking to do.”

“Well, if you need help thinking you know where I’ll be.” You offered without wanting to seem pushy.

If you weren’t mistaken, you could’ve sworn he actually chuckled.

“Yeah. I do.”

Little by little, your best friend was slowly returning to normal—or as close to normal as you’ve ever seen him. Eventually he started getting sucked into the drama, going rigid when things got tense, and actively pretended he wasn’t crying whenever You Are My Everything played. It was, overall, a job well done. You could sleep easy knowing that Jihoon would be just fine. As you drifted off, you felt him hold your hand and squeeze it gently.

Everything was going to be okay.

And if only to prove that point, the next day was nothing like the one before. Jihoon was back to his old self as if nothing had happened at all. Just another Thursday without a word or whisper about the chaotic tornado his secret admirer had unleashed onto your day-to-day life. He even had a letter for you to read by the time lunch rolled around. Apparently, some freshman irritated him over something seemingly small. At least—to you it seemed barely worth mentioning. But nothing ever really felt small to Jihoon. It was all or nothing, always living in black and white. Which meant that almost everything was important to him in some way. So you read the letter, and you edited it gladly.

Once you were done, he had something else for you. Another note from the admirer.

“This is the third one, right?” You murmured, glancing it over once before looking up at him. “Have you written back yet? Besides the one where I assumed you insulted their very existence with your entire arsenal of hurtful words.”

The blush crawling up his neck was an answer in and of itself, but the thick stack of paper he pulled out of his backpack solidified it.

“I’ve tried a few times.” He admitted hesitantly. “Nothing I write is good enough.”

“Oh, only a few times?” You teased, knowing full well that Jihoon’s definition of a few was the same as calling Jane Eyre a short shopping list. “What’s got you so stuck? Usually you have no issues penning essays over trivial things like cracks in the sidewalk.”

His brow furrowed defiantly. “Hey, proper sidewalk and road maintenance is important to modern infrastructure. If we start overlooking cracks in the pavement, then what? What about traffic lights? Can we afford to allow a single bulb to go out? No, of course not. That’s anarchy.”

You couldn’t believe your ears.

“Jihoon…” You started with an exasperated look. “I was joking.”

Trying to hide the fact that his blush was turning a deep crimson, and failing quite miserably, he pulled a paper from the stack and put it back in his bag. Also something he tried, and failed, to hide from you.

“Are you kidding me!” You laughed, raking a hand down your face. “Did you seriously have a letter in that pile you were going to send to our congressman?”

“No—yes—ugh!” He groaned. “Can we forget about the stupid sidewalk for a second! That’s not important right now! Help me! How do I do this?”

Deciding you had teased your best friend enough, you placed your chin in your hand and smiled at him. “How do you do what, exactly? I’ve never had anything to do with the letters you write, I just read them so someone knows how you’re feeling.”

Who were you kidding, you could never tease Jihoon enough.

He rolled his eyes so hard that he rolled his whole head with them. “Like you’ve ever needed further insight into my head, you always know what I’m thinking before I do.”

True.

“But I don’t understand the first thing about—this.” He finished with a labored sigh, gesturing sharply to the handwritten novel in front of him. “You know that better than anyone.”

Again, he was telling the truth. In the years you had known Jihoon he had never developed serious feelings towards someone else. He had barely entertained the notion since entering high school. He always talked himself out of it because feelings were complicated and bothersome. Plus, he was terrified of being rejected. Like most people are. His intrusive thoughts just so happened to be louder than most.

“I hate to break it to you, Jihoon,” You started in a whisper, “no one knows the first thing about this. Not even me. The only person who can help you is yourself.”

His sour expression made it obvious that he obviously didn’t like your response. “Great. Super helpful. Thank you for your continued wisdom.”

When he moved away from you, you grabbed him by the sweater and pulled him back in. “Why do you always stop listening to me when I’m about to make my point?”

He narrowed his eyes at you. “Because it takes you forever to fucking get there.”

“Alright, you got me there.” You chuckled. “Listen, I’m not kidding when I say that you’ve got to do this one on your own. As much as I can usually sense what feelings are doing somersaults in your stomach, this is a first for you and therefore a first for me. I’ve never seen you like this before, so unfortunately you’ve got to discover this one on your own.”

As you spoke, his features slowly softened until all that remained was a very nervous teenager who didn’t want to screw up his first real chance at love. That’s all Jihoon was at his core, that’s all anyone was.

But you had to admit he almost looked kind of cute.

Almost.

“How do you always know what to say?” He grumbled while crossing his arms. “It’s annoying.”

“You’ve got a really weird way of saying thank you.” You smirked playfully. “Well, maybe this last nugget of advice will get you started in the right direction.”

“Why are you always—” He seethed through his teeth. “How are you still not at whatever your point is!”

You shrugged, because you honestly had no clue. “I'll get there when I get there. You want to hear it or not—”

“Spit. It. Out.”

“Now is that anyway to—”

Wow. You stopped, suddenly fearing for your measly life. If looks could kill—

“Alright, alright, you win.” You conceded. “If you’re having issues writing a letter to your secret admirer, here’s my advice. Stop trying to put words to your feelings and start putting feelings into words. You’re spending too much time trying to say it perfectly that you’re not saying it at all. It doesn’t need to make sense to anyone else, it doesn’t even need to make sense to you. So long as you put them out into the world, they’ll be heard and one day they’ll be understood. You get me?”

The look on his face was—strange. You had a hard time placing it, which should’ve been weirder than it was. In fact, you were seeing lots of different sides to Jihoon lately, sides you never thought existed. This time his eyes widened, the aforementioned scarlet blush had disappeared, and there was a radiance to him that you had never seen before. Like suddenly he could see clearly through the storm of his thoughts.

“Thank you.” He exhaled with a smile. “I’ve never thought about it like that before.”

Feeling triumphant, you wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “I’m starting to wonder what you’d do without me, Jihoon. Three days and you’ve been completely undone and redone by this letter.”

“Letters are powerful things.” He muttered. “They can break hearts, mend souls, and change lives. You taught me that.”

“I guess I’m a pretty good teacher.” You boasted, giving him a squeeze. “Despite the fact that I’m actually quite terrible with words.”

He shrugged off your arm. “Except you always know what to say, how exactly does that work?”

“Just because I can make you see reason doesn’t mean I’m good with words.” You laughed easily. “That simply means that I’ve perfected the art of understanding the impossible. Lee Jihoon. I can’t use words like you do. Trust me I’ve tried, I can never get the words right.”

For a moment, he didn’t have any sort of response. Which was definitely weird. It was a well-known fact that he was terrible with the sorts of words he had to speak, but he didn’t have issues when talking to you. That’s because you were friends, best friends. There had never been this sort of unnerving silence before. Not that you could remember, anyway.

What is going on in your head, Jihoon? You found yourself wondering since you couldn’t read his face. Have you started to figure it out?

“Sorry, I was thinking.” He muttered suddenly, shaking his head. “But I know what I need to write now. Will you read this one too? Even if it gets pretty long?”

“Of course!” You exclaimed with a smile. “When have I ever shied away from a challenge?”

The soft glisten in his eyes made your heart flutter.

“Never.”

When the bell rang and you parted ways, you wondered if Jihoon had ever written you a letter.

Well there’s a first time for everything.

For the next week, he was in full writer mode. And there were no more notes from his secret admirer, not that you expected there to be any. Every chance he got he was scribbling something down on whatever surface he could get his hands on. Textbooks, paper, his arm, he was more inspired than you’d ever seen before and nothing was going to stop him. He didn’t even come over to your house over the weekend, a ritual you hadn’t broken in the ten plus years you had known each other. It was a lonely week, for sure, but you knew it was for a good cause.

Then, after what felt like an eternity of silence, he approached you in the courtyard with a single sheet of paper in his hand.

“Hey…” He started uneasily, his grip tightening. “How’re you?”

Seriously? You mused to yourself with a smile. “I’m good, how’s the writing?”

“Done.” He clipped. “And—I think I covered everything.”

“Are you sure?” You asked, eyeing the sheet of paper. “With all of that writing I thought you’d have a novel for me.”

He shook his head, while a blush crawled up his neck. “Sometimes being concise is more effective than being overly wordy.”

“That’s true.” You grinned. “Easier for me to edit anyway.”

Nodding, he shoved the paper into your hand. “Here. Take your time, I don’t want you to rush it.”

“I won’t.” You promised, resisting the urge to start reading right away. “I know you put a lot of thought into this.”

With that, he turned around and walked off without another word. Leaving you holding something that looked like little more than pen ink on paper, but felt like a confession on fire. Once he was out of eyesight, you exhaled a breath you had been holding unintentionally and started reading.

To the person I have never loved before. It began, and you weren’t prepared for the roller coaster you had willingly climbed into.

This isn’t for the person I’ve loved all along, no. This is for you, someone who managed to stir my emotions more than a raging monsoon with only a few words and the hint of a promise. Who are you? I wondered to myself, because you were without equal. How could I have missed you? You were extraordinary. You didn’t have a face, all I had of you was a letter slipped into my locker, you were a ghost and I was set ablaze by your words. I had never felt like that before, my heart was unprepared. As was I. You made me question everything, and made me realize things I had never seen before.

What I felt for you wasn’t love, even though I thought it was at first. You presented me with feelings I decided I would never feel, so I could only assume that it was love. I felt like a live wire, ready to spark at a moment's notice. All I could think about was you. The infinite options and scenarios I dreamt up, all because of you, was astronomical. It was exhilarating, and I found myself drunk on the endless possibilities that you presented me. What else could make me feel that way, if it wasn’t love?

The answer was one I didn’t expect, and it hit me like a tsunami. I started to feel that way towards someone I already know. Someone who has cared for me more than anyone should, they have been my best friend for years so how could I suddenly feel the same way? How could my friendship for them become intertwined with the love I thought was solely reserved for you? And how could I have missed it after being enveloped by their warmth for so long?

You changed all of that. You made me see clearly for the first time in years and I was completely undone. Everything I knew was suddenly challenged, my feelings towards the most important person in my life changed without any warning, and I didn’t know what to do. How could I ask them, a friend, to see me as anything more? I was lost, trapped in an endless loop of destructive thoughts and desire. Desperately wanting to scream my feelings from the rooftop while fearing the voice that would have to put words to them. Your feelings for me awakened my feelings for them, and suddenly the words that have given me comfort for so long escaped me.

Still, you helped me.

In ways I can only thank with this letter.

You helped me because you are the one who told me to start writing letters. It’s always been you. You are the one who has given my thoughts meaning when I struggled to communicate with the world. One that could never understand someone like me. You are the one who wrote me a letter, asking a coward to help you be brave. It took me a while to realize that you were one and the same, but I picked up on the hints you left behind. I’m sorry it took me this long to figure it out.

Would you have showed up had I not asked you to come with me? I think about that often, were you only afraid because my initial thought was that there was no way it could be you? The impossible notion that my best friend could love me anymore than they already do? I have a thousand more questions I want to ask you, but I think I’m brave enough now to ask you in person.

So I’m going to end this letter here, because you deserve so much more than the words I’ve hidden behind for years. A letter I started to write for someone I thought I didn’t know, to the person I’ve never loved before. Funny, how it ended up being a letter to the person I’ve loved all along.

As you read the last line, tears already streaming down your face, you had never felt happier.

“You figured it out.” You whispered, almost in disbelief. “For a second there I thought you never would.”

You don’t know when Jihoon came back, but he was suddenly standing in front of you taking your hand in his. “It really shouldn’t have taken me that long, I’ve only seen your handwriting a thousand times before.”

Laughter bubbled past your lips as you dried your tears with your sleeve. “I was terrified that you would’ve figured me out from the very beginning. Looks like I really give you too much credit sometimes.”

“You do.” He agreed. “So, what did you think of the letter? Any edits you can think of?”

“This isn’t the type of letter that needs editing.” You stated plainly. “It would take away from the author’s meaning.”

“What would that be?” He asked, clearly teasing you. “Enlighten me.”

You shook your head defiantly. “No, no way. It’s your letter, why don’t you tell me what it’s supposed to mean?”

Part of him didn’t want to make it easy, that much you knew with absolute certainty. But, for the sake of time and your poor heart, he would let you off the hook. Just this once.

“That I love you.” He said softly. “More than anything else.”

Choking out a sob, you wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him in close.

“I love you too, Jihoon.”

In the end, neither of you were good with words, but you only needed to know what to say to each other.

[spooderboyandtincan]

You’re Gonna Miss Me

(When I’m Gone)

Read on Ao3

/ST*RKERS DNI/

~~~~~

Tony doesn’t know why he’s so nervous.

That’s a lie. Utter bullshit. He’s lying to himself. Tony knows exactly why his heart is fluttering in his chest like he’d run a marathon, why his chest struggled to rise like there was twenty pound weight rested on it. 

Though to be fair, when he made an anonymous donation of a meager 50,000 dollars to Midtown Science and Technology, he hadn’t expected Peter’s decathlon team to put in a request to the school board to travel abroad, and he definitely hadn’t expected the school to immediately approve it. He thought they’d use it to replace the sudsy water in the bathrooms they called soap with the real stuff or some shit, not whisk his kid away to Vienna for a whole week where Tony couldn’t even hug him, couldn’t protect him. 

Peter is thrilled, though. Ecstatic. When he’d broken the news to Tony and May, he’d been over the moon with excitement, his round cheeks flushed pink and his eyes gleaming. Even two weeks ago, Tony had felt a deep sense of apprehension kindling in his chest, but with the date seemingly so far away, he’d pushed it to the back of his mind. 

He wishes now that he’d done something. He should have told Peter he couldn’t bear to be without him like he was an actor in a cheesy soap opera (it was true, he couldn’t); tell Peter he needed him on a “mission” that would mysteriously be canceled. Though they’d probably end up taking a plane or a suit to Vienna anyways (despite what he liked to say to Rhodey, he was not at all immune to Peter’s puppy eyes); hell, he should have purposely tripped on the stairs and broken his leg so Peter, sweet, kind, empathetic Peter, would immediately decide to stay by his side where Tony could keep him safe.

He missed Peter when he was at his apartment in fucking Queens, thirty minutes from Stark Tower. He didn’t know how he’d handle having him 4,222 miles away. He didn’t know if he could.

“Damn,” he hisses, pushing himself from his bed with a grunt and making a beeline towards Peter’s room. He dashes in. The sight of his sleeping son (read: lump of blankets) is enough to take his breath away.

Tony had missed him. It had been four hours since he’d tucked him in and kissed him goodnight, and Tony had missed him. Peter was fifteen feet away. 

This trip is going to be the death of him. He’s going to drop dead of a goddamn heart attack before Peter even gets on the plane. 

Tony sinks carefully onto the mattress and rests his hand on the boy’s neck, some deep, parental instinct in him immediately soothed by the slow, steady beat of his pulse. Peter is curled under the thick blue blanket, only his chestnut curls visible which are tinged blue from the Iron Man nightlight on the wall, his breath puffing out in those little snuffling snores that Tony absolutely adores. 

He leans down to kiss his temple, inhales the familiar scent of his favorite strawberry shampoo and is overwhelmed by the wave of infinite love that washes over him. He loves this kid so much it sometimes hurts. 

Leaning back, he smooths his thumb over Peter’s cheekbone. He doesn’t want to leave the boy’s side. He doesn’t know if he physically can. Maybe asleep Peter has somehow sensed this, because there’s a small mewl from the bundle of blankets, and two bleary doe eyes flutter open. 

“T’ny?”

“Hey,” Tony whispers, running a hand through his curls. “Hey, jellybean. Sorry I woke you up.” Peter rolls over with heavy limbs and rubs his eyes with a fist in a childlike motion, yawning in a way that resembles all those yawning kitten videos he’s made Tony watch. 

God, he’s adorable, Tony thinks. His heart is melting. He’s so small, so young. Tony feels an instinctual, almost uncontrollable urge to protect this kid, to wrap him in his arms and keep him from harm for the rest of time. 

Peter is oblivious. “‘S… s’okay,” he mumbles. His hand sneaks out of the blankets and tugs on his arm lethargically, which the genius knows is sleepy Peter language for “cuddle with me.” Tony chuckles fondly and slides under the covers.

He props himself up on an elbow and gazes down at his beloved boy, stroking a finger down his cheek. Peter smiles sleepily up at him from his assortment of pillows. “Hi.”

His face splits into a wide grin. “Hi, Pete.” 

Peter frowns at him then, a sudden change from his drowsy, half-asleep state. “You… you ‘kay? Wha’ time’s it?” He tries to sit up, but Tony hushes him gently with a “Everything’s okay, bud, just a typical 2am visit from your friendly neighborhood Iron Man.”

He smiles, so Tony counts the joke as a win. It’s not one of his best, but hey, forgive him if he’s a little anxious about his kid going to another fucking continent. 

(He refuses to acknowledge that it’s not just being away from Peter that’s stressing him out, it’s the fact that anything could happen to him while they’re apart.)

Tony looks back to Peter, opening his mouth to talk, only to find that he’s completely conked out. He balls up the sleeve of his sweatshirt and wipes the line of drool tracing down the boy’s chin away, finding that a soft smile has formed on his face, the one that only makes its appearance around Peter.

Peter snuggles into him the second he lies down, resting his curly head just over his heart. Tony wraps a protective arm around his back and rubs small circles on his soft blanket hoodie. “G’night,” he whispers, bending to kiss the top of his head. “Sweet dreams, baby. I love you.”

He can feel Peter’s heartbeat thumping steadily against his chest- can hear his soft kitten snores. The warm weight of his body is so comforting that for a moment he thinks that maybe, just maybe, this trip isn’t going to be the end of him. That everything’s going to be okay.

~~~~~

Peter’s starting to regret eating all those waffles for breakfast. He feels shaky all over, like he could collapse or throw up any second. He’d told Tony he was going to pop in the bathroom, but he’s been in there for at least ten minutes, settled back on his heels on the cold, grimy floor of an airport bathroom, trying to breathe properly.

Speaking of Tony, he can hear the man just outside the door, typing on his phone and sipping from a cheap cup of coffee. Peter immediately experiences a hot flash of guilt, realizing that he must have grown worried while he was gone. 

Sure enough, the door swings open and there’s a soft knock. “Pete? Everything okay, bud?”

Peter stands up and unlocks the stall. “Tony,” he sniffles, taking an unsteady step forward. Tony rushes forward and gathers him in his arms

“Whoa, hey, hey, you’re okay,” he says gently, rubbing a hand up and down his back. “You’re okay, Pete. Breathe, just breathe, bud. It’s okay.”

“I don’t-” Peter whispers. “I don’t know, Tony, I-I wanna go, but I can’t, I don’t know w-what to do.” 

“Breathe, honey. It’s okay, I’m here, we’ll figure this out, okay? You just gotta take a breath, alright?” 

Peter tries- fails. Tries again, and manages to gasp a breath in. “Sorry,” he croaks, when he can properly breathe again. “Tony, I-I don’t-”

“It’s okay,” Tony murmurs, squeezing him tight. “Nothing to be sorry for, Pete.” After snatching a paper towel and soaking it in the sink, he runs the scratchy cloth over Peter’s face and kisses his forehead when he’s done. “Okay, bubba. You wanna go back out or stay in here?”

“Out,” he replies without hesitation. The flickering white lights above are starting to give him a headache, not to mention the leaky faucet and the freezing tile floors and the faulty air conditioning. Tony leads him out with an arm around his shoulder and guides him to a little nook, where they both plop down on a neon green beanbag. 

“My parents died in a plane crash,” Peter whispers. 

Tony squeezes his shoulder. “I know buddy. I’m sorry.” Unlike a lot of the “sorries” Peter has heard, this one is sincere. Sometimes he forgets that Tony is an orphan too. 

“I- I mean, logically, I know the plane won’t crash,” he continues, “But I guess it’s still hard for me to believe that. Like a- a gut feeling?”

The man nods in understanding. “I know how you feel, kiddo. I was terrified of cars after my parents died- I took the subway everywhere despite the paparazzi bloodhounds.” Tony doesn’t broach the subject of his parent’s deaths often, especially not in a crowded public airport, so Peter makes sure to pay attention. 

“Then, the fear just kinda… vanished.” He wiggles his fingers dramatically. “I started driving without even thinking, didn’t realize I was in a car ‘til I got on the highway. I had to pull over when I did, but since then, I’m perfectly fine with cruisin’ at 80 mph. But,” he says seriously, meeting Peter’s eyes. “I think you should listen to what your gut’s tellin’ you, buddy. It’s important to listen to yourself- what inner you is saying.” He pokes Peter’s belly a couple times for good measure, which makes his face scrunch up adorably. 

Peter nods, and really tries to listen to his gut. The pair both go silent in concentration, and then- his stomach grumbles. They both burst into laughter, born more from nerves than hilarity.

“Inner you wants to eat,” Tony snorts. “I think I saw a place with the biggest blueberry muffins of my life by the escalators, wanna stop there?”

Despite eating a huge stack of waffles just hours earlier, Peter wolfs down two of the gigantic blueberry poppyseed muffins, much to the amusement of Tony.

They made their way to the gate, where Peter’s teacher, Mr. Harrington was lounging, dressed in an ugly red sweater, his long legs stretched in front of him. 

“Peter!” he cried as he spotted them, scrambling to his feet. “Thank god, I was beginning to think I had the wrong date! We’re leaving today, right?”

“Oh, yeah Mr. Harrington, we’re going today!” Peter laughs. He’s used to dealing with his scatter-brained teacher. “I’m actually here early, the plane’s supposed to leave at 1:00.” He gestures vaguely to the big digital clock over his head reading 11:54 AM, EDT. 

Mr. Harrington frowns. “I thought it left at 8 am! You mean I’ve been here for hours in this awful chair when I could have been sipping a piña colada in my jacuzzi?!” He collapses back in his chair and pulls a sleeping mask over his eyes with a sigh.

“Sorry, Mr. Harrington,” Peter chuckles, then pulls Tony to a row of uncomfortable seats in the corner of the waiting area. 

They sit in comfortable silence for a bit, just watching the various travellers rush past. A little girl, around two or three, comes up and shyly asks for Tony’s autograph, but no one else recognizes the genius. (Thanks to his foolproof disguise of a baseball cap and scarf covering up his iconic beard, the genius claims.)

“So, what are we thinking?” Tony asks after about half an hour. “Do you wanna go?” He secretly hopes Peter will say no, hopes that they can go home and binge watch all of the Star Trek episodes and fill their bodies with junk. 

Peter nods hesitantly. “I think so. I-is that okay? I might change my mind, but- yes. Yeah, I think I want to go.”

 Tony squeezes his hand. “Of course it’s okay baby, that’s perfectly fine. If you change your mind, you know what? That’s great too. Whatever you want, that’s what’s important.” He kisses Peter’s forehead and lets his hand linger for a moment where it rests on the boy’s cheek. “If you change your mind at any point, I’ll come pick you up, okay?”

“Thanks, Tony,” Peter breathes, slumping heavily against his side.

“Of course, bud. Anything for my Peter.” 

They stop for lunch at a cozy little coffee shop, which is thankfully devoid of fans and paparazzi. Peter orders (or rather, makes Tony order) a small hot chocolate (with extra marshmallows and whipped cream) even though drinking a lot before a non-stop ten hour flight is probably not the best idea. (He can’t help it. He’s nervous.)

When the pair gets back to their gate, they find Ned and his family. The boy’s greet each other enthusiastically, performing their signature handshake, while Tony simply throws up a peace sign to Ned’s rather stunned parents. 

The friends pull out their phones -probably playing one of those ghastly animated games that Peter is always quoting. Tony pretends to look busy on his phone, but really, he’s just trying to distract himself from the terrifying fact that he’s not going to see Peter for a week.

Too soon, the speaker crackles, a crisp voice announcing, “Attention. We are now boarding flight 367 nonstop to Vienna, Austria. Now boarding flight 367 nonstop to Vienna, Austria.”

Tony’s heart stops. Peter freezes. 

No, they think at the same time. Not yet. 

Peter turns to Tony, panicked. “Hey,” the man says, pushing away every anxiety, every worry away so he can focus on his kid. He sees Ned approach them, but stop when his father places a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, it’s okay. Breathe, baby, it’s okay.” 

“Tony.” Peter wraps his skinny arms around his waist. 

“I know, baby, I know.” Tony kisses the top of his head and hugs him close. “Follow my breathing. You’re okay. We’re good.”

Around them, the members of the decathlon team are rising, but Tony and Peter sit in those unforgettable chairs, clutching each other tightly, not yet ready to let go. 

“I’m gonna miss you,” Peter whimpers. 

“I know kiddo, me too. I’m gonna miss you so much, but I’m always gonna be here, okay? If you need me, just call, or text, use morse code, doesn’t matter. I’m always here for you.”

“I’m here for you too,” Peter says. “I- I’ll call you every day.” Peter’s bottom lip is trembling, just barely, but enough for Tony to hug him a little tighter and kiss his forehead. “I love you, Tony,” he sniffs.

“I love you too, Pete. I love you so much.” Tony’s not crying. He’s not. The restaurant a few stores down is just cooking onions, that’s why his eyes are watering. 

Peter pulls away and grabs his duffel bag, taking a step toward the loading dock. Tony tries not to burst into sobs. Stay, his mind whispers. Please stay. 

Then Peter turns around, eyes full of tears, and slams straight into Tony’s chest, hugging him so tight he can barely breathe. Tony rocks them back and forth, cherishing everything about his sweet boy. When they finally break apart, Peter says, “I’ll be back before you know it,” echoing what Tony has said to him so many times before he leaves for a business trip. 

Then he smiles a watery smile and runs to catch up with his best friend. Just before he disappears into the loading dock, he turns around and waves wildly at Tony.

Tony waves back, grinning. “I love you,” he mouths.

“I love you too!” Peter mouths back, and steps into the dock.

“I love you,” Tony whispers, hastily wiping the dampness from his eyes. “I love you, Peter.”

~~~~~

/ST*RKERS DNI/

Taglist: @aj-that-person @tonystark-deserves-better @nathaly-ab @skeeter-110 @peter-and-tony-vlogs @teammightypen @joyful-soul-collector @loveliestdisappointment @depuella @scwene-qween @honeythepooh @pixiethefirecat7 @spider-man-lover @jami161 @bringitonvoldie @queen-of-sarcasm-25 @roxy3457 @memilon @iron-loyalty @gralaca @bitchingpretty @pillowspace @thatminecraftgal @clockworkteacup @hatakehikari @wtfischeese @keep-a-bucket-full-of-stars @skydiving-without-a-parachute @yansi1923 @slytherin-hamilton-life-12  @dead-inside-pt2 @name-me-regret @zanderljones @spidy8664 @hold-our-destiny @tinystark-blog @bittersweetbeneath

If anyone wants to be added/ removed please let me know! (also, i think i missed a few people, and a few usernames have been changed, pop me a quick message so i can add you again!) 

[queenofhearts7378]

Constellations Ch. 2

(Yes it finally has a title. Yes this is ending up multi chaptered. Yes there’s another part I’m writing. Yes I already have an outline for a vague plot....Yes I’m still blaming @ladylynse for this XD)

Prev. Chapter  -  Next Chapter

Danny was very much unprepared and underdressed for the time when some wizards fell out of his fireplace.

He paused in the doorway, spoon still in his mouth and cheeks full of cereal, as his brother stood up and brushed the soot off him with a displeased nose scrunch.

Danny swallowed. "And you couldn't just use the door?"

Honestly they're lucky his parents had left to chase down the Box Ghost earlier. Otherwise they'd be covered in a lot more than soot and ash.

Danny couldn't help the snort that escaped at the mental picture of Draco covered in ectoplasm and boiling in rage. 

Draco narrowed his eyes, seeming to pick up that Danny was making fun of him. "Using the Floo was quicker."

"....quicker than walking through the door."

"It's a wizard thing you wouldn't understand." Draco snapped back, his go to response whenever he couldn't argue against Danny's logic at the moment. 

"Uh huh. Anyways what are you doing here?" Danny asked, "You aren't supposed to be here for another two weeks."

Which was time previously planned for Draco to prepare for his summer in America while Danny finished school. Spend the two weeks after Hogwarts let out recuperating and making public appearances with his parents, then spend the rest of the summer with the Fentons.

Actually now that Danny was looking, it seemed Draco had come straight from school. His hair was lacking half its gel, he was still wearing his green tie, and his robes were a very boring black as opposed to the various greys and blues he flaunted around in the previous summer.

“Denebola, pleasure to finally make your acquaintance.” Drawled the man standing behind Draco.

“Hello creepy man that I have never met before,” Danny said, echoing his tone.

Draco choked on air as the discount Kylo Ren sneered at him.

“This is Professor Snape Danny.” A familiar please-don’t-say-anything-that-will-get-us-in-trouble tone coloring Draco’s words. “My godfather.”

Oh the potion guy. Danny remembers Draco talking about him now. He was friends with Draco’s parents, which didn’t really impress Danny that much as all of the Malfoy’s friends seemed to be really rich snobs or really racist. Mostly both.

But he was Draco’s godfather, the reason he got into potions, his favorite professor and someone Draco would willingly go to get advice from. So, Danny decided to reserve judgement till he met him. Well….he met him.

Danny looked Draco dead in the eyes, “My apologies.”

Draco closed his eyes in mortification, which made Danny grin internally. They were really getting the hang of the whole ‘speaking without talking to each other twin thing’. 

Professor Snape just scowled at him. “Where are the….muggles?" Disdain dripped off his words, instantly making Danny defensive. He had heard enough at Malfoy Manor about disgraceful, savage muggles from Lucius. Even Draco had echoed his father till Danny dragged him kicking and screaming into being a slightly decent person.

"My parents," Danny said, stressing the word, "Are working right now."

Okay maybe they were just being their usual trigger happy selves and running after Boxy, but there was no way he was telling Professor Snape that without it leading to an hour long discussion about ghosts. And Danny did not have time for that. He shoved a giant spoonful of cereal in his mouth as he met Professor Snape's eyes and-huh.

Draco never told Danny his godfather could read minds. He could feel the light brushes of a foreign mind attempting to gleam information from his surface thoughts. Danny didn't know if it was his wizard ancestry or halfa weirdness that made him sensitive to this kind of stuff. Either way, it was useful in keeping his secrets in his head from privacy invading school teachers.

Danny glowered at Snape and immediately thought of Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give You Up music video.

The two of them stared at each other for a minute, making Draco more and more anxious as no one said anything.

Finally Snape broke contact, "Where should his things go?"

Danny tried very hard not to smirk after winning that staring contest, "You can just leave them here, we'll get them later."

With one last displeased sneer, Snape turned to Draco. "I'm needed back at Hogwarts. I trust you are in good hands."

Draco nodded, still looking tense and anxious as hell.

Snape walked back to the fireplace. He paused next to Draco, "Take care of yourself Draco."

Draco softened under his glare, "I will Professor. Thank you."

Snape nodded and shot one more glare at Danny, who still had Rick Astley echoing in his head, before vanishing into the fireplace in a swirl of green fire.

Draco turned back to Danny and said, "You stress me out."

Danny snorted before walking back into the kitchen to put his bowl in the sink. Draco followed after him, looking at all the kitchen appliances with a barely hidden curious look.

"Something else we have in common."

"What are you wearing?" He asked with a nose scrunched in displeasure.

Danny shot him a look, "My pajamas, cause I just woke up. I haven't finished getting ready for school. You should probably change too."

"Why?"

Danny started for the stairs, Draco still following at his heels. "You can't wear robes to public school. I think you can fit in my jeans."

"What?!" Draco screeched, halting at the bottom of the stairs, "I'm not going to muggle school with you!"

"It's either that or stay here by yourself for hours." Danny said as he paused outside his room. Draco scrambled up after him. "Cause my parents won't be home for a couple more hours, after which you'll be alone with them till I get home."

Danny smirked at him, "My parents are going to be thrilled to see you, can you really handle their enthusiasm all by yourself?"

Draco could barely stand Danny showing various forms of physical affection, as proven last summer when Danny would throw an arm around Draco's shoulders and almost get hexed. And Ancients forbid Danny try to hug him. Draco might actually lose the wand and just punch him. Danny had spent most of their correspondence over the school year prepping Draco for the Fenton welcome wagon so he wouldn't hiss like a cat when he gets hugged. Okay, and maybe Danny just wanted to see his overdramatic brother's face as he is subjected to his parent's bear hugs. 

Draco scowled at him, "Fine. But I'm not wearing any jeans."

Draco stomped into Danny's room and slammed the door in his face. He heard the lock click as it was shut.

"Hey! I still gotta get dressed!" Danny banged on the door, "C'mon Drake it's still my room!"

Danny groaned before walking over to the bathroom. He phased through the wall and landed on the fire escape. It took a few minutes, but he eventually maneuvered to his window and slipped in.

Draco had dug into Danny's closet and pulled out the most dressy tux Danny owned and was in the middle of putting it on. 

"You are not wearing that."

Draco scowled at him, "It’s bad enough I'm lowering myself by going with you-”

“Lowering yourself?”

“-But,” he said loudly, “I absolutely refuse to wear common muggle wear. If I’m going to this school, I will not look anything less than my absolute best.”

Danny stared at him. “Drake you will be thrown into the dumpster if you wear that to my school. Let me just-”

Danny jumped on him, trying to remove the suit jacket from a struggling Draco. Draco shouted and tried to twist away, only for Danny to pull it over his head. Once Draco was out of sight, and swearing loudly at him, Danny subtly used his intangibility to yank it off him. And if he happened to remove all of Draco’s hair gel that he used to keep his hair slicked back….well, that would have gotten him thrown in a dumpster as well.

Danny tried not to laugh as Draco glared at him, his hair fluffed up and looking vaguely like an angry kitten. 

"Do you know how long it takes me to fix my hair? I have to completely redo it now! And how'd you get that off me?" He pointed at the jacket Danny was throwing back in his closet.

Danny grinned at him, "Magic."

Draco gave him a flat look.

"Anyway we've got to go, otherwise I'm gonna be late again, and get detention again, and you'll be forced to either walk home by yourself or stay at school with me."

Somehow Danny had managed to get dressed and drag Draco out the door with him, texting Sam and Tucker his plans to walk so they could meet up on the way.

"What is that?" Draco leaned over to squint at the phone in Danny's hand.

"My phone. I told you about it last summer."

Draco hummed, "I thought it was broken?"

"Yeah, cause your magic blew it up. My parents fixed it." Danny shoved his phone back in his pocket like Draco was about to blow it up again. "Now what happened?"

Draco shot him a glance, before letting his eyes flicker around them. "I did try to tell you muggle 'technology' and magic doesn't always go together."

"Drake, you know that's not what I mean." He said softly.

Draco was silent, his jaw clenched and his hands shaking before he shoved them in his pockets.

They walked in silence for a while.

"You'll get hurt."

Danny looked at him.

"I…." Draco sighed, "I've never…."

Danny waited silently for him to get the words out on his own, knowing that pushing him will only make him clam up.

"You aren't like us. And I don't mean that in any bad way!" He said quickly when he saw Danny's face. "But you know what my parents are like, and their friends are so much worse, and you're the first person I've ever had to worry about. I just want you to be safe."

Oh Ancients, that was a lot to unpack there. 

Danny had known something had happened during school. The two of them spent the school year exchanging letters, both of them wanting to stay in contact. Danny would tell him about his school, and his parents' antics, and explain random muggle technology to get Draco prepared for his summer with the Fentons.

Meanwhile, Draco had complained at length about Potter and a tournament and Potter being insufferable about a tournament. There was a furious letter about being turned into a ferret and how Potter and his friends keep bringing it up. Draco sent him about three feet of parchment around Christmas just making fun of Potter at a dance and how horrible he was. There was a lot about some famous Quidditch guy and then a lot about Potter’s friend stealing the famous Quidditch guy.

Draco complained about Potter a lot, okay?

But Draco never sent him a letter about the tournament results or if Potter got eaten by a bog witch or whatever it was he was hoping for the last task. He just showed up, two weeks early and clearly shaken about whatever it was that happened.

That isn’t a good sign at all. And Danny had eavesdropped enough last summer to get a decent idea as to what was going on.

“This is….this is about him isn’t it?”

Draco flinched, which was enough answer for him. Danny let out a breath.

“We can-we can talk about this later. I care about you too Drake, and I know your family is neck deep in this mess.” Danny bumped his shoulder, “You’re safe here, that’s why Narcissa sent you here right?”

Draco leaned against his brother’s shoulder, eyes still flitting across the street and his jaw clenched. “Yeah. We’re safe here.”

[sweetchup]

Little Fish; Big Fish

Type: Rin Obami x reader

Au?: None

Word Count: About 10,000 words

Warnings: Don’t think I need to say this but just in case, Yumeko and Kirari (Enough said). (This is also Kakegurui so everyone is a little bit insane)

Author note: Why is it always the smiley and soft looking boys that are actually bad guys that I simp for? Someone help.

“Are you nervous?”

Kirari's powerful voice resounds throughout the empty student council room and catches you off guard. At her sudden question, or rather statement, you can’t help but notice that your hands, that were holding your cards, were in fact shaking.

Ever so slightly, you begin to loosen the grip you had on the cards, hoping (practically praying at this point) to stop the shaking. Though, it was a futile attempt in the end as you still had ever so slight small twitches throughout your whole body that gave you away.  

How did you get in this mess?

That’s the question you have been asking yourself ever since you got Kirari’s gamble invitation. One, you still haven’t understood why she would give you in the first place. After all, you weren’t rich. Not even in the slightest way. Both of your parents had normal office jobs and the only reason you had even got accepted into this school was due to your grandfather having worked here as a teacher in the past.

There was also the fact you didn’t gamble. Though, it wasn’t just because you couldn’t, it was also because you weren’t interested. The chips used in betting were often millions of yen anyways and you didn’t feel the joy of ending up in debt for the rest of your life. At the very least however, you understood why so many flocked to the thrill of gambling. The many times you ran into Yumeko Jabami and were roped into watching her nonsense with her gang of friends proved that.

But still…., even with being friends with Yumeko Jabami, you were still utterly nothing. Just someone that adorned the school halls. A wallflower that had somehow, through some unknown luck, has avoided becoming a housepet. So, just why were you here. It made no—

The sudden noise of Kirari placing her cards down on the table snaps you out of your thoughts. For the first time since you arrived, you finally gain the courage to glance at her face.

With her electric blue eyes that almost seemed to glow and a small, ever so slightly, smile that graced her also blue lips, you can’t help but gulp. You knew what was about to happen wasn’t good.

“(Y/n) (l/n). That’s who you are, right?”  Kirari inquires, leaning back in her chair slightly as she turns her attention to the massive fish tank in the room. “You are the eldest daughter and only child of your (l/n) family name. With most of your family being mere pawns of larger companies. Honestly, your income is hardly a cent compared to other students at our school.”

You bite the edge of your lip slightly. It was the truth but you wished she didn’t have to spell it out so bluntly.

“Yet,...” Kirari turns her gaze back to you, “You still have lasted longer, even better, than others at this school. I wonder how...”

As she finishes her sentence, Kirari reaches over to examine a small box of traditional Japanese sweets. A box she had won off of you in the last round. Even though she had frazed her last sentence as a question, you could tell she already knew her own answer.

“I will admit, the strategy you have come up with to survive is actually incredibly smart. If you are ever forced to gamble, you bet these sweets you bought from some commoner’s shop. Since most students here don't know the price of average items, They over bet what the equivalent price is. Letting you have quite the side profit when you do happen to win.”

“Ah yes… it’s really all I can afford…” You say, letting out a small chuckle at the end in hopes of lightening the room. Which thankfully, on your end, does as Kirari laughs along as well.

“You know... I have something that could possibly help with that ‘wealth problem’ of yours.“

Caught off guard by her sudden statement, you looked at her bewildered.

“What do you mean by that?” You say in an unsure light filled tone, hoping she was just joking.

“Well, I heard from—“

However, before Kirari could finish what she was proposing, the student council doors open with a loud bang. Startling you so much you almost drop your cards. However, Kirari does not even flinch in the slightest. Almost as if she expected that to happen.

“Hello (y/n)!!” Yumi shouts out to you as she pushes Terano into the room along with Ibara following in tow. Once the pinked hair male notices you, he quickly walks, more like runs, over to your side.

“You didn’t lose anything right?” Ibara asks as he peers down at the table of cards. He must have noticed you were gone from morning classes today and had searched to come find you.

“A-ah nothing big. Just two boxes of candy.” You tell your classmate and friend as he checks your bag. Though, your answer doesn’t seem to reassure him in any way.

“I think that’s enough betting for today. Let’s go, break is about to end anyways.” Ibara states as he practically tries to drag you out of your seat.

“O-ok. Well, I better get going then. Thanks for the small game Kirari.” You say, giving the president a small bow as you stand and proceed to grab your bag.

“(Y/n),” You pause at what you are doing when you suddenly feel a hand scooping your cheek, looking up you see Kirari leaning over at the table. “If you want to hear the rest of my proposal, come stop by.”

Almost in a trance, perhaps it was her angelic looks that caused it, you can’t help but nod.

“Good. I will await for your arrival—“

“Kirari,” Kirari is once again cut off as Terano speaks. The two stare at each other, almost as if they are exchanging in some sort of conversation. You can’t tell what was being said but you noticed the atmosphere of the room had grown rather tense.

“Let’s leave…,” Ibara whispers in your ear as he gives your arm a light tug.

“Ok…” You give Terano a small bow and smile in thanks before you leave the room with Ibara. As the door finally closes with a loud thud, Terano lets out a heavy sigh.

“Can’t you for once in your life not treat something as some sort of gamble?”

Kirari can’t help but raise an eyebrow at Terano’s bold statement. It seemed she was right about the fact the other family members have grown attached to (y/n) as well.

“Well, it would be rather boring to watch on the sidelines.” Kirari says as she looks over to her fish tank. Just as she does so, two fishes appear, one big and one small. Even though there was a major difference in size, they weren’t hostile to each other and were actually being careful to not swim too far away from the other. “Rin Obami is painfully obviously in love with (y/n) (l/n) and I have a small hunch she does as well. Yet, neither has confessed and the slow game they are playing is starting to get rather boring. So, I just felt the need to spice things up a little.”

Suddenly, in the tank, another big fish appears and it is heading straight towards the smaller fish. It clearly plans to devour it.

“Still that isn’t your place to interfere.” Terano states pulling Kirari's attention away from the tank. Kirari watches as the girl before her suddenly scoffs, “What am I even saying… you don’t listen to logic anyways. I’m leaving, let’s go Yumi.”

“Okay Terano!”

As the two exit the room, Kirari stares at the closed door for a couple of seconds before turning her attention back to the tank. As she looks, she can’t find the three fish anymore and wonders what happened to them when she looked away. Was the small fish swallowed? Or did it perhaps run far away, leaving the bigger fish side?

Kirari can’t help but bite the edge of her nail in excitement as a sudden new thought comes across her mind.

Maybe…., both ended up being devoured. With the bigger fish attempting to save his smaller friend but failing and both perishing.

Kirari licks her lips as she walks over and presses herself up against the glass. Even in the off chance both of the fish did survive, it was only inevitable that another predator would soon pop up to try to devour the smaller fish again.

“Don’t get devoured so soon (y/n)... I wanna see you and Rin swim around more. Just struggling to stay alive.”

—.—.—.—.—.—.—

“Come on (y/n)! Can’t you tell me what Kirari proposed to you?” Ibara groans as he opens the door to your classroom. Most of the students of the Botan Class were already back from break and had already taken their seats.

“As I said before, I didn’t hear the full thing. Just that she wanted to help with my ‘wealth’ problem.”

After hearing Ibara let out another groan, you decide to just leave his side and walk back to your seat instead. You knew Ibara would still continue to press into you until you told Sumika, or Kawaru, to prove to him you were in fact telling the truth.

“(Y-y/n),” At the call of your name, you tilt your head up to see three of your female classmates standing near your desk. “Did you really get challenged by the President?”

“Hmm? Oh…” You take a glance to look at Ibara, who was two rows away, watching your conversation as well. Knowing that, you felt completely safe to tell the girls the truth, “I did actually. See?”

You pull out the invitation you got this morning to show the girls. As they excitedly go on to ask you questions, you can’t help but feel thankful that Ibara, and actually the rest of the “-Bami” branch families, transferred to Hyakkaou Private Academy.

Before they came, you weren’t treated as bad as a housepet but you were still looked down upon by many of your classmates. The only thing that stopped you from being bullied was your friendly gambles that kept your classmates excited for the next treat you could possibly bring in.

It was actually one of those friendly gambles that caused you to meet Rin and Ibara Obami, who had just transferred into your class, in the first place. Rin had actually thought that, based on your game, you were also from a swindler family. You didn’t quite get what he meant at the time (you actually felt slightly offended at the comment and yelled at him for it). But you soon understood what he was getting at when only a day later, a group of guys offered you way too much money and gifts for a haul of those treats.

Later that day, you begrudgingly apologized to Rin and, eventually over time, became friends with him and the rest of the “-Bami”s.

“Now, now ladies. I’m sure (y/n) can answer all of your questions later.” Speaking of the devil himself, you watch Rin take his seat right next to yours.

“O-ok Rin-sama.” You hold back a scoff as the girls run off, whispering and giggling amongst themselves. Even you, who doesn’t know how to swindle, noticed that Rin has only been buttering them up to use them as pawns later.

“So, (y/n),” Rin starts as he leans a little back in his chair and glances at you, “What happened with you and Kirari?”

“Ah. I’m actually not quite sure. I suddenly got this gamble invitation from her this morning and I know I definitely didn’t do anything recently to grab her attention.” You pick up the invitation to hand it off to Rin, slightly tensing as your fingers accidentally brush his.

Not now (y/n). You told yourself you wouldn’t.

One important thing that you have been trying to deal with recently, other than the chaos of this election of course, is your growing crush on Rin Obami. You tried to stomp it out when it first bloomed up, after all you were falling in love with one of the heirs of the famous Hundred Devouring Families, but that ended up failing... horribly.

After you tried to avoid Rin, and even Ibara eventually, the boys switched to being only hanging out with you in class to basically being by your side every single chance they got. Especially Rin, who even forced you to accompany him when he went to chat or discuss business with the other branch family members at the school.

Which is actually how you eventually became close to Terano and the others.

“How did the match go however?” Rin asks, handing the card back to you with a serious look.

“I didn’t get that far into the match before Terano and Ibara came in. We only got to two rounds, which I lost both to Kirari. However, she thankfully let me bet my sweets so I lost no money.”

“Well that’s good…” Rin says, his eyes quickly flickering to somewhere else in the room before going back to you, “Anything else happen?”

You let out a light laugh before looking up to the male with challenging eyes, “I don’t think I need to say something you already got from Ibara, Obami.”

Rin lets out a sigh and pouts a little, “Why do you always see right through me, (y/n)? And, calling me by my last name, Really?”

“Well, you and Ibara need to stop pressing into me about information that doesn’t exist. I already told everything that happened.”

After you finish speaking, Rin and you stare at each other for a couple of minutes. His blackish-purple eyes scanning for any detections of a lie almost makes you flustered. Though, thankfully before heat starts to travel up your neck, your teacher enters the room and shouts about class starting.

“Yes, Sensei!” The class resounds in unison.

As you lean down to grab out your notes for class, you feel Rin suddenly grab your hand. With Rin leaning over as well to grab his own notes, both of your heads were hidden under the desk. Helplessly, due to a firm grip on your hand, you can’t attempt to move away.

“(Y/n). If Kirari, or actually any the student council, approaches you about that offer again. Promise me that you will instantly come grab me or any of the others.”

Under Rin’s intense look, you can’t help but gulp. Why was he so nervous about you?

“I-I will try…“ You say quickly, averting your eyes from Rin as you use your other hand to pull out your notes. Even as you come back up to a sitting position, Rin still doesn’t let go of your hand.

“(Y/n). I want you to promise me you will definitely come grab us. I don’t want—“

“Obami. (L/n).” The teacher calls out, making you two snap your head to him. As well as making you realize everyone else in the class had been watching what was going on between you two. “I don’t think I have to say this but keep your relationship and hand holding out of my class.”

Hearing snickers and giggles from your fellow classmates, you quickly retract your hand from Rin’s and mumble out an apology.

“Ok. Then, with that squared away, let’s get started with class. We will begin where we left off last time with the sudden…”

As the teacher drones on and on about some history lesson from yesterday, you can’t help but sneak a glance at Rin. To everyone else in the class, he likely looked calmed and focused but you knew he wasn’t. Hell, from where you were next to him, you could practically feel the stress radiating off of him.

You knew the Hundred Devouring Families wasn't a nice family to be in but was Kirari really that dangerous? You knew she was really dangerous to someone average like you but to someone like Rin? Even if he was a branch family, he had a lot of power and money. Likely at least close, if not on par with Kirari.

Still, no matter what you thought, Rin was still stressed out that you were on Kirari’s radar.

Glancing away from Rin, you see the teacher was currently occupied with writing something on the board and the rest of the students weren’t paying any attention to you two whatsoever. However, even with them being distracted, if you tried to talk to Rin and got even the slightest bit too loud you could gain someone’s attention. So, how would you get his attention without interrupting class…

Thinking for a couple of minutes, an idea suddenly comes to your mind.

Shakily, you slip a hand down to your side and move it around a little. You can’t help but feel your stomach flutter when your hand accidently nudges against Rin’s. Which only grows worse as you can almost physically feel Rin’s attention shift from the board towards you.

Letting out a shaky breath, which you hoped Rin didn’t notice, you lightly enrap your hand around his.

“I’ll try to come grab one of you guys. I-It’s just I’m not exactly in a position to refuse someone as powerful as Kirari ....” You whisper out, your eyes still trained on the board as you can’t bring up the courage to look over at him.

You sit there tensely for what felt like forever, waiting for some sort of response. Perhaps your voice was too soft and he didn’t hear you?

However, just as you go to repeat yourself, you nearly end up choking on your own spit. The sudden feeling of Rin entwining his fingers with yours and placing your enwrapped hands in his jacket pocket so no one would notice, sent your heart into a frenzy and you were having a very hard time not melting on the spot right then and there.

Just as you think it couldn’t get any possibly worse for you it does. Your heart nearly explodes out of your chest as Rin casually leans closer to you so he can whisper in your ear. You could even, from how close he was, smell a hint of the expensive cologne he put on every day.

“Okay. I’ll stick by your side from now on then.” Rin whispers quickly, his breath ever so slightly tickling the shell of your ear, before sitting back into a normal position.

You are about to respond how that wasn’t needed in the slightest but before you can the teacher turns back around.

“Okay. So, to review…” The teacher looks around the class before finally stopping at you, “...(L/n).”

“Y-yes,” You squeak out, quickly trying to remove your hand from Rin’s before the teacher notices. However, as you attempt to do so, Rin only tightens his grip. Not enough to hurt, but definitely enough so you couldn’t possibly slip your hand out of his without creating a scene.

You give Rin a quick glare, which he of course responds with a smile, before turning your attention back to the teacher as he continues.

“What does Edo mean?” The teacher asks, leaning slightly back against the board.

“Well Sir, Edo could refer to two possible things. The first being the time period named after it, the Edo Period. This was when Japan was under the rule of the Tokugawa Shogunate. However, Edo could also mean—“

You suddenly choke up as you feel Rin adjust his grip so he can rub his thumb over the back of your hand. Even though it was such a small, almost trivial, gesture, it caused your brain to go blank. Almost as if it had fried itself.

“U-uh…” You jumble up your words for a couple of seconds before finally composing yourself, “E-Edo could also refer to the previous Japanese Capital, that was called ‘Edo’ before it got changed to ‘Tokyo’ in 1-1868…”

“Excellent! So, Can anybody tell me the name of that Shogunate from the Edo Period?“

As the Teacher turns around to write the answers down on the board, you turn your attention back to Rin, who looked quite proud of himself.

“What’s wrong (y/n)? Flustered much?” Rin whispered out, Jokingly yet also quite mischievously. You swore,

If ‘sadist’ had a picture in the Urban dictionary, it would be a picture of Rin Obami. Especially due to the fact, he took great joy from just messing with you, or sometimes other people.

“It’s your fault, dingbat. Are you trying to get us caught?”

“I doubt we would. I mean look at Ibara, even he hasn’t caught on yet.”

At Rin’s words you swing your head around to take a glance at Ibara. The pink haired brother looked bored out of his mind and only lightened up a little when he noticed your gaze on him. He gives you a small unaware wave in your direction which you return quickly before turning back around.

“Fine, I’ll admit you're correct by that.” You tell him, begrudgingly which he lightly laughs at.

“See~ don’t worry about it.” Rin mutters back and gives you a small wink before turning his attention back to the lesson. Which, after huffing for a second, you soon do as well.

You just wished he would quit messing around with stuff like this…

—.—.—.—.—.—.—

“Oh? What’s going on with you and—“

“Don’t ask.” You mutter out, cutting off whatever Yumeko was going to say as you take a seat next to her for dinner. Still slightly flustered at the fact, Rin insisted he held your hand the entire walk to dinner even though that bastard wasn’t actually having dinner in the dining hall in the first place.

Terano had told him that she wanted a meeting with branch family members only. But, due to his promise in history class, he insisted on at least walking you to dinner if he couldn’t join you. Which you can’t believe he actually did as it was incredibly embarrassing to see your classmates whispering and making kissy faces at you two.

“But, come on (y/n)~ You have to at least tell us what’s going on with you and Rin. We are friends aren’t we?” Yumeko whines, really wanting to know what’s happening.

“Or, at the very least, tell us about what happened between you and the President.” Mary suddenly says as she takes her seat on the other side of you.

“Oh yeah, I heard many people whispering about it in the classroom! I thought it was only a rumor? Well I hoped it was for your sake…” Ryota murmurs out, recalling what he heard before he left for dinner with Yumeko.

Speaking of Yumeko, Ryota noticed her suddenly getting very excited at the thought of the President. Quickly, she grabs your hands, her red crazed staring down at you.

“Oh, (y/n)! Please tell me it was true! I want to hear everything, everything, that happened at that gamble!”

“Well… Um… it wasn’t actually that exciting. I only—“ Just as you go to tell Yumeko what happened, your phone suddenly goes off. “Oh sorry guys, it’s my mom. I’ll be back.”

Quickly excusing yourself from the cafeteria, you answer your phone out in the empty hallway.

“Hello? Mom?“

“O-oh (y/n)! I-I-I’m so sorry!” You can’t help but be shocked as you hear the hiccuping of your mother from the other end.

“Mom? Are you alright? W-what’s wrong? Did something happen?” You worriedly asked. You’ve never, ever, seen your mother get so upset before.

“I-I just found out your father has been cheating on me for years. He actually has a whole-e-e secret family behind our back.” Your mother pauses her sentence as she tries to compose herself from another sob racking through her body.

“O-oh Mom,” You feel terrible yourself. That was your father, of course, and you couldn’t believe he would do something like that to you and your family. “I-If you want, you can call the school and I can get the quickest train home. I might miss class tomorrow but I can at least help you through this!”

“T-Thank you, Honey… but I’m afraid that you can’t.” You are stunned for a second. What did she mean you couldn’t, you could easily make up any missing classwork and homework you would miss.

“Mom what—“ A wretched sob from your mother on the other end of the phone cuts you off.

“B-before your father left, he took out every last cent of our savings-s. We have nothing left and I have to still wait for my paycheck next week!”

Your ears begin to ring as you attempt to process the tumble of words out of your mother’s mouth. You couldn’t quite believe it. You actually didn’t want to believe it and hoped this was some nightmare that you would wake up out of. Everything? All that money your family worked for… was really gone?

“(Y-y/n) sweetie?” Your mother suddenly calls, breaking you out of your daze.

“Y-yes mom?”

“I know this is a lot to ask, you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to—“

“Mom I’ll do it! Don’t worry about me!” You quickly reassure, ready to help take off any burden on your mother.

“O-okay. If possible, could you ask one of your friends if we can take out a loan of their money? We just need some to pay for rent and bills for a while and I will instantly try to pay them back.” As your mother finishes explaining the rest, you can’t help but be silent for a couple of minutes. Your brain was racking with any possible other ideas before you finally gave up and answered.

“Y-yeah I’ll try to see what I can do.” As your mother hangs up, you can’t help but collapse to the floor.

A loan from a friend? That your family can pay back? That would be impossible. Your father made a ton more money than your mother and was essentially the main breadwinner of the family. It would take at least a year, maybe even two, for you and your mother to get back on your feet. You can’t afford to pay back that much debt and can’t afford to ask your closest friends to support you for that long. That would just be so wrong… but, you also didn’t know what else you could do.

“You know... I have something that could possibly help with that ‘wealth problem’ of yours.“

Kirari… you could ask Kirari! You didn’t want to but she had already offered you money or financial stability and it was way better than putting your friends in that position. Her offer might also be good enough that your mother and you could get out of the old nasty apartment you rent.

As you get to your feet and are about to try and make your way down the hall, you feel someone grab your arm.

“A-ah. E-Erimi, Sumika. H-hello, how are you?” You can’t help but gulp. You weren’t paying attention to your surroundings while on that phone call, so they possibly could have heard all of it.

“(Y/n)-San, I apologize but I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation.” You freeze at Sumika’s words, “I hope I’m wrong by this but please tell me you're not thinking of going to Kirari about this.”

Shit, Sumika always got it right on the dot when it came to you.

“I-I’m not. I’m just going to try to find Itsuki.” You murmur out, trying to lie even though it was futile. Curse Sumika’s acting and reading skills.

“(Y/n). Please don’t lie about things like this.” Sumika says in a worried tone. However, you can’t bring yourself to continue the conversation you were having with her. Already you were embarrassed enough that this was happening to you in the first place, but it only got worse that likely the “-Bami” family will have to help you again. It mostly made you feel bad since you can’t do anything to repay them for their kindness.

“Sumika, Please I need to do this. I’ll be fine.” You reassure the girl in front of you, lightly grabbing her hand that was wrapped around your wrist, trying to pry it off.

“(Y/n), No. …Erimi!”

Erimi, who was standing on the side worriedly about what was happening, instantly turned to Sumika.

“Erimi, please go grab Terano-san and Rin-san. Please… quickly!” You instantly freeze as you watch Erimi nod before quickly running off and disappearing down the hall. You can’t get Terano and Rin involved. Those two need to save every cent of their money to help buy leftover votes nearing the end of the election. You can’t possibly have them waste all their hard work on you, not after they have been working so hard for it.

… You just can’t afford to be the cause of crushing Rin’s dream like that. You know how much being head of the “-Bami” family meant to him.

“S-Sumika please, I beg of you. Don’t get Rin involved, you know he needs as much money as he can for this election! I will only stand in his way if he helps support me. Please, just le—“

“(Y-y/n),” You can’t help but gasp and freeze as you see a tear roll down Sumika’s cheek. “D-do you really see yourself as a burden to Rin? To us?”

You suck in a breath, ready to answer back but find yourself unable to. Your stomach felt like it was twisted into so many knots that you were about to puke.

Using her free hand, Sumika wipes away her tears and takes a deep calming breath before continuing, “(Y/n), Please don’t think so low of yourself. We all care for you and have never seen you as a burden. Especially Rin. He would feel so guilty if he didn’t help you out in a desperate situation like this. All of us would. I don’t have the right to say this but Rin—“

“Oh my god. Is that Kawaru Natari?”

“Ah! I think it is!”

Suddenly, Sumika’s grip on your hand disappears as you are pushed away by a group of her fans. Even though Sumika is trying to find and call out your name, none of the fans seem to know or care about what’s going on with her. All they care about is trying to get her autograph or at least shake her hand.

Stumbling to your feet, you take a glance at Sumika who was still encircled in her fans. The bubbling feeling of guilt lumps up in your throat as you think… No, you decided about what you should do.

“Sorry Sumika…” You murmur to yourself as you run down the hallway and to the stairs. You had no time to waste because Erimi has likely already notified the others of what is happening.

—.—.—.—.—.—.—

“I-is this the room?” You ask Kirari, taking a look around as you enter a giant room you have never been in. It looked like any other formal dining hall with many white clothed tables decorating the room.

“Yes. After all, you said the others are searching for us and this will likely be the last place they will check,” Kirari says as she walks over and places a bunch of paper packets on the central table, “Let’s get started shall we?”

“Y-yes of course. But first, What is your offer?”

“It’s a thing I like to call a ‘Life Plan’.” Kirari explains, picking up one of the fancy packets to show you. As you flip through it, she continues, “As the name suggests, it’s a plan of your entire happy life. Usually, I give these to House Pets who have no hope of getting out of their debt, but I believe it has the ability to benefit you as well.”

“R-really?” You mutter out, slightly disgusted by the fact this packet says you will marry a 50 year old politician and have 5 children with him, “A-ah!”

You are startled as Kirari plucks the packet out of your hand and suddenly rips it apart, “Don’t worry that one wasn’t for you. Since you are close with my extended family, I have taken much care in picking the best bachelors… that are also around your age.”

“O-oh really? Thanks Kirari,” You tell Kirari relieved, flashing her a thankful smile. Well as thankful as you could. Your heart felt like it was slowly shattering at the thought you were essentially selling yourself off to someone you don’t even know.

Rin…

You quickly shake the thought of Rin out of your mind. You can’t think of him right now, you had to do this for your family. He was your friend, so he should understand. And eventually, though slowly and painfully, that silly crush you have on him will disappear.

However, the more you repeat that to yourself, it sounds like you were just desperately trying to convince yourself of that.

As you begin to walk with Kirari to the table, you speak again, “Are there any of these you specifically want me to start reading first?”

“Well…,” You watch as Kirari pulls out a deck of cards from her pocket, “I think it would be so boring to pick it out normally. Wouldn’t you agree?”

“W-well… I don’t exactly agree. I prefer—“

“(Y/n)!? (Y/n)!? Where are you?!”

“Ibara?” You whisper out, startled as you turn around to the door behind you. After a couple of minutes of more shouting, you see the knob of the door shake, “(y/n)? Are you in there?!”

“Uh—“

You freeze as you feel Kirari wrap her arms around your waist from behind.  “Come on, let’s hurry (y/n). They haven’t noticed us yet but we have no time to waste. They could possibly come interrupt us at any time…. and you wouldn’t want that, would you?”

As you feel Kirari’s words sink in, you realize you had to get this done with, rather quickly as well. Meaning, it would take too much time to look through each individual packet, “No…I wouldn’t want that…”

“Good… Come, I’ll explain the game. It’s rather simple.”

You, almost in a trance like state, watch as Kirari shuffles the deck of cards and place them randomly over the table.

“You will slowly pick the cards one by one until a single one remains. Each card represents the matching life plan it is attached to.”

“It’s a fun game of fate!” Confused by the sudden new voice, you see Yumeko entering from the other side of the room from another door. As Yumeko makes her way in front of you, she instantly wraps her hands around yours before speaking again, “Oh (y/n), it will be so much fun! You have to play!!”

“W-what…? I mean, I already am. I have to after all.” You inform the girl, pulling your hands from hers to make your way to the table. You, at first, are shocked that she wanted you to continue but soon realize this was Yumeko Jabami. She was mentally insane and if she could, she would happily switch places with you instantly.

Hesitantly, after shaking your thoughts out of your head, you begin to pick up cards to get rid of. No real pattern in mind.

“(Y/n), be careful not to go too fast. You have to enjoy the process!” Yumeko exclaims, watching intently as you already give Kirari half of the deck that you have collected. “Unless, you are really just leaving it up to fate and luck…? Oh, that would be so fun! (Y/n), you really are a genius!”

“(Y/n)? (Y/n)!” You freeze as you hear someone else burst into the room. Nervously turning around, you spot Ibara and Miroslava at the doors. “She’s over here! Ibara quickly, go grab Rin!!”

As Ibara runs off, Miroslava makes her way to your side, “Kirari this gamble is over with! (Y/n) isn’t taking part in this anymore!”

“B-but Mir—“ “I’m pretty sure (y/n) can speak for herself, Miroslava.”

“You manipulative—“

“(Y/n),” As Miroslava bickers with Kirari, you hear Yumeko approach you from behind, “The President wanted me to tell you that if someone tried to interrupt the game, that you can instead just pick a single card from the rest.”

“O-oh Okay…”

As you reach out to grab a random card near you, you can’t help but feel yourself freeze. Why can’t you just grab it?

Almost in disgust you draw the hand back.

“Don’t worry (y/n). You just have to pick the card that calls to you!”

“The card that calls to me?” As you walked around the table, you didn’t understand what Yumeko meant. The card that called to you? But, they were all the same… none of the life plans were exactly what you wanted either.

After circling the table again, finally one of them catches your attention. There wasn’t anything special about it. There were no scratches, chips, or folds that would draw it to you. But, for some reason, you felt like you needed to pick that one.

Shakily, you pick up the card and hold it close to you. You know you should go give this to Kirari to get this over with but you felt rooted in place. Was this the one you chose? Actually,...

Were you making the right choice to begin with?

“Did you choose one (y/n)?” Yumeko asks from somewhere behind you.

“I-I don’t know… T-this…” You feel yourself suddenly getting choked up as you looked down to the card. You didn’t want to be a wife of some random attractive man with a peaceful happy life…

….You suddenly realized you wanted to be Rin’s.

The egotistical smiley boy that you had an enormous crush on. The one that takes every opportunity to find a way to make you flustered or choked up. The boy you now realize isn’t just a helpless crush but instead someone you have fallen head over heels in love with. The boy you likely—

“(Y/n)...” You are shocked as you are suddenly forcibly turned around.

It took you a second to realize it was in fact him with his normally neat hair pushed out of place and his uniform crooked and crinkled but you soon realize, Rin was right in front of you.

“Rin… I—,“ You stop speaking as you feel him shakily wipe a tear off your face. He looked at you with concerned eyes before glaring at the card in your hand. “H-hey. I—“

You can’t do anything but watch as he angrily grabs the card out of your hand and rips it apart. Taking the card scraps, he throws them up in the air towards Kirari.

“I swear… if you EVER come near me or (y/n) again!”

“Rin, calm down.” Miroslava states as she places a hand on Rin’s chest to stop him from approaching Kirari. Who looked quite amused with his unusual reaction. “Just take (y/n) and—“

“Oh, you picked the 2 of hearts Life Plan (y/n)?” Kirari states, trying to rile up Rin more as she picks up the corner scrap of the card. “I don’t believe I remember who that is… perhaps it was the son of a big medical center? He’s only a year older than you and is quite rich and handsome.”

“What the fuck are you going on about?” Rin barks out, confused at what she was talking about. Only to get angrier as Kirari lets out a laugh.

“Here. Why don’t you take a look for yourself?” Kirari states as she chucks one of the packets at his feet. He hesitantly grabs it up from the ground and begins to flip through it as Miroslava and Ibara, who had finally walked up to the two, look over his shoulder.

“What the fuck…” Ibara whispers out in disbelief before reading out loud was written on the page to make sure he wasn’t seeing things, “(Y/n) (L/n) will marry the youngest son of a computer company. She will get pregnant right after her wedding at age 19 and will have her first of 3 sons born that following year…”

Kirari can’t help but laugh as she watches the three’s expressions turn even angrier as they flip further and further into the packet. However, instead of addressing them, Kirari turns her attention to you. Making you feel as if you freezed on the spot from her icy blue eyes, “Come here (y/n). Let’s see what life plan you picked out. I want to see if I’m correct—“

“Oh hell she isn’t—!“

Miroslava and Ibara quickly grab onto Rin as he attempts to stop Kirari from grabbing the 2 of hearts' life plan.

“Rin! You can’t attack her, she’s from the main family remember? We can’t lay a physical finger on her!” Ibara mutters out, trying to remind his brother of the rules set in place by the clan.

“I-I don’t care about that! Let me g—“

“RIN! Enough!” Everyone turns their attention to Terano who was currently being wheeled into the room by Yumi. Even she wasn’t attempting to keep a calm persona as you could clearly see a scowl on her face. “(Y/n) hasn’t accepted the life plan yet so she isn’t obligated to follow it. So, calm down.”

Rin freezes under her words but It’s quiet for a couple of seconds before he finally speaks; in a rather bitter tone as well, “Fine…but you better have a plan in mind, Terano.”

“I do. Don’t worry about it.” Terano answers letting a small sigh out as she finally relaxes, “(y/n).”

You jolt a little as Terano suddenly calls you. However, you can’t bring yourself to look at her in the eyes as she is wheeled closer to you, “(y/n)... look at me please.”

Hesitantly, almost like a child who was scolded, you look at her, “We aren’t mad at you. We just don’t get why you would go through this extreme way of getting money when we could easily let you borrow some. I doubt helping support your mother a little would cost that—”

“T-that’s the thing! It’s not going to be a little, Terano.” You blurt out before quickly shutting up once you realize you cut her off. Terano, however, doesn’t look offended in the least.

“What do you mean (y/n)? Please, continue.”

“W-well, my father not only made most of the money in our family but also protected us since we live in a not so great area. Not only would it take my mother about a year or two to get back on her feet in terms of financial situation but someone could easily just come by and steal the money you give to my family.” You explain to the others in the room who seemed to finally realize what you were getting at.

“But, that wouldn’t cost us that much would it?” Ibara asks, trying to still figure out why it was still a problem.

“Well kind of, the basics (y/n)’s family would need is to buy food, pay bills and rent, and other necessities, which we could pay for. The problem comes with things like having security and perhaps unknown debts made by her father. Those would definitely end up stacking up over time.” Miroslava explains to Ibara, who nods at her in understanding, before she continues, “Which makes sense why she would come to Kirari. Not only did Kirari already offer (y/n) a chance of more money, she offered enough that she guaranteed (y/n)’s family to move up in terms of wealth. So, (y/n) not only could skip asking us to support her but she could possibly move to a new apartment or house in a safer area and skip having to pay the necessities of security.”

“Oh I see…” Ibara says before jolting up as he sees Rin suddenly move forward towards you. He quickly grabs his brother before he can move too far away, “Rin! Let’s have Terano handle this.”

Rin turns around to give Ibara a nasty glare, “Ibara, I’m not going to sit around here and do nothing! The Obami family easily has enough money to move (y/n)’s family out of that bad apartment as well as support them.”

“That’s where you are not thinking Rin.” Miroslava states as she steps in to intervene with the brothers’ conversation. “It might be enough to pay for now but think about what will happen towards the end of the election. All of us, especially you, will need a lot of money to pay for those leftover votes people are holding onto.”

“Yeah but it’s fine. I can—“

“Rin. Miroslava’s right. If we pay too much money and some of the other branch families find out the Obami family is low on money, it could cost us. Likely, we could get devoured.”

“But—“ “Oh my, Fate can’t be funny at times…”

The three stop bickering as they hear Kirari speak suddenly and quickly notice she was flipping through the life plan you had picked up. As Kirari walks over to give it to you, Rin has to grit his teeth to stop himself from attacking her.

“Kirari—“ “You were the one to interrupt our gamble, Terano and for the second time today that is. You know…That could possibly get you in a lot of trouble.” Kirari threatens Terano, giving her a look that told Terano she was done playing silly games.

“Ah please don’t! It was my fault, Kirari.” You voiced up, not wanting the possibility of Terano getting booted out of the election. Thankfully, Kirari seems to listen and turns her attention back to you.

“Okay then, if you truly are sorry (y/n). Then, please accept your life plan.” Kirari tells you, using your own words against you. As she passes the life plan into your shaking hands, Rin can’t hold it in any longer and walks over to you two.

“Kirari! Stop this, now.” Rin says, putting a hand on Kirari’s shoulder. Only for her to swat it off like it was some pest.

“Stop what? I know I haven’t done anything wrong. (Y/n) came up to me about this offer, you all are just interfering.”

“That’s only because you put that thought in her head in the first place! In the whole time I have been here, (y/n) looks like she just wants to bolt out of here but is only kept here by the false reassurance you give her! I—“

“I’m not giving her false reassurance. I’m telling her the truth and what she needs to hear.” Kirari interrupts, a smile on her lips as she grabs the Life Plan from your hands, “Her reasoning behind this thing is so simple and straight to the point, I’m surprised you haven’t figured it out yet.”

“What are you talking about? I get that she doesn’t want to cause me—“

“Ah, ah, ah.” Kirari says, tutting her finger back and forth in front of Rin, “I’m not talking about that, I’m talking about her inner feelings. The ones that mostly drove her to her current decision.”

You feel your stomach drop at what Kirari was talking about. She doesn’t know about— S-she couldn’t possibly know about your feelings for Rin. And even in the off chance she did, she wouldn’t reveal it to everyone right now,... would she?

“Her inner feelings?” Rin mutters out, confused as his eyes flash to your figure.

“Do I really have to spell this out for you? (Y/n), is in love with you. To her, you were more important than herself. So she simply couldn’t afford to hold you down, possibly costing you this election.”

You feel your stomach drop as it becomes dead silent. You can’t bring yourself to look up from your feet at Rin. You just couldn’t risk the chance of looking at his face and see the possible reaction of disgust or disappointment. As the silence goes on, embarrassment begins to come in waves throughout your whole body. Enough to almost bring you to tears.

You can’t help but choke on your labored breath as you see Rin’s shoes enter your view, “(Y/n)... look up at me…”

You instantly shake your head from side to side. You just couldn’t, couldn’t.

“(Y/n)... Please…” Rin asks again, his cold hands reaching up to grab your warm flushed face. Quickly, you grab his hands to stop him from pulling your head up.

“S-stop Rin. Please… it’s o-okay that you don’t have feelings for me. Don’t feel p-pity on me.” You choke out, starting to struggle on trying not to cry. It’s quiet for a couple of seconds as Rin still struggles to force your head up. Eventually, he seems to give up as he pulls his hands away from your face with a small sigh, “K-Kirari. I will accep—“

However it seems you are proven wrong as before you can finish your sentence to Kirari, Rin picks you up. With both arms wrapped around the back of your thighs, you are forced to hold onto his shoulders for support so you don’t fall forward.

“There you are…” Rin mutters out as he looks up at you, finally able to see your face. He gives you a small smile before jokingly saying, “How many times have I told you to stop jumping to conclusions before you even hear the answer, (y/n)?”

You bite your lip and turn your gaze away from him, “You do the same thing…”

“True but that’s not what we should be talking about right?”

It goes dead quiet as you choose to not answer him.

“…Can you at least look at me…, please?” Rin gently speaks out, basically begging at this point for at least something that confirmed you were listening to him.

“Okay… What should we be talking about then?” You mumble out, hesitantly turning your gaze back down to Rin. Which from what you can see makes him a bit more happier.

“Well first, I should tell you that I… I Love you as well.” Rin confesses. However, instead of making your heart flutter like it should, it makes it ache instead. Balling your hands into fist on Rin’s suit jacket, you can’t help but close your eyes to try to calm yourself down.

“Please Rin…” You say to him, your voice broken and begging him to knock it off, “Please don’t lie about something like this…”

“I’m not lying (y/n). I would never, ever, lie about something like this.” Rin rebuts instantly. Making you open your eyes in shock as he suddenly places you down on one of the tables. You would have ended up falling backwards if it wasn’t for him grabbing onto your shoulders, “(y/n), I’ll admit right now, In front of everyone and you, that I’m a greedy son of a bitch. S-so, If you go and take that life plan, I will make it my life mission to scam that guy’s family out of so much money that it forces him to let you go. Just because, you drive me insane to the point I want to keep you all to myself.”

“H-hey you shouldn’t do that Rin. I—“

“It’s illegal? I could get in trouble? (Y/n)... my whole family business is illegal. We devote our lives to scamming people out of their money and precious items. And, If someone from the Obami family wants something, we will most definitely find a way to get it.” You can’t help but keep silent as you allow Rin’s words to soak in. He wouldn’t actually go through with that right?

“(Y/n), Think of it this way,” Yumeko suddenly speaks up. Your eyes trained to her as she make her way next to Kirari before speaking again, “You can either not take the life plan and run the risk of Rin not being allowed to pay for those leftover votes students will be holding on to at the end…”

You watch in bewilderment as Kirari passes the Life plan to Yumeko.

“...Or, you can accept the life plan you have chosen and we open it up here in front of everyone. Allowing Rin to see who it is and having him make it his life goal to destroy your arranged husband’s life and steal you back from him! …(Y/n)!”

You jolt up in surprise as Yumeko and Kirari look at you with crazed looks in their eyes.

“(Y/n)! It’s essentially a gamble! Will you choose to run the risk of Rin failing his dreams or have your arranged husband being devoured by the Obami family?! The decision of two people’s lives are in your hands!”

You look at the two in bewilderment before struggling to spit out, “You can’t be serious! Rin wouldn’t actually…”

As you turn back to look at Rin, your voice dies in your throat. He had the same crazed look as the other two as he stared down at you. Noticing you are already shaken up, he decides to push it further by leaning down to place a kiss on the corner of your lip.

“(Y/n)...,” Rin whispers out as he pulls away, his kiss making a tingling feeling resound through the surface of your lips as you stare frozen into his eyes, “I hope that with whatever decision you make, you are ready to be stuck with me because…”

Rin tilts his head to the side slightly so he can lean in again.

“...I’m never letting you go…”  

As Rin captures his lips with yours, he had only intended to give you a small kiss to signify his promise but found himself wanting, craving, more. Pulling one of his hands up, he entangles it in your hair so that he can lean in further to deepen the kiss.

After a couple of more seconds of kissing you, Rin finally pulls away. He can’t help but gulp at the dazed out expression you give him. He wanted nothing more than to swoop in to give you another kiss but knew he couldn’t. He needed to calm down from the crazed adrenaline rush running through his veins and wait for you to not be as frightened by all this madness.

“So, (Y/n)...” Terano’s voice suddenly rings out. As you look at her, it seemed her and Yumi were the only ones not with a crazed expression on. “What’s your choice?”

“I-I…” You look at the Life plan and gulp. To you the decision was obvious but you still couldn’t get rid of the feeling of your stomach twisting and turning, “I choose… to take the life plan…”

Your stomach can’t help but drop more in guilt. Not only for the fact of allowing yourself to some other man but also allowing whoever was in that plan, life to be ruined…Devoured,... by the Momobami clan.

“You sure?” Kirari asks, wanting you to repeat yourself with more confidence on the gamble you were taking.

“Yes, I don’t want Rin to lose his spot in the election. So, I’m going to choose the life plan.”

“Okay…Yumeko.”

Yumeko turns her attention to the President, a small innocent look on her face.

“Would you do the honor?”

“Of course!” Yumeko shouts out, her expression going back to pure crazed delight. “Ready (y/n)?”

Your voice suddenly feels lost as you watch Yumeko adjust her grip on the life plan, leaving you with no other option than to nod your head as a sign of confirmation. As you watched what felt like Yumeko opening the first page of the life plan in slow motion, your heart was practically thumping out of your chest. Who could it possibly be?

You take your eyes away from the life plan for a moment to look at Rin. You just hoped whoever it was it wasn’t someone at the school. Rin and the other -Bami’s would make their life here a living hell.

Suddenly, Rin’s calm face turned to one of surprise and then, weirdly, he laughed.

“Huh?” You can’t help but let out, unable to understand why he did that until you turned back to Yumeko, “W-wait.. what-t?”

“Holy shit!” Ibara yells out, unable to help himself as he comes up to ruffle your hair, “Look like your my sister in law now, huh?”

“B-b-but… how?” You say in disbelief as you continue to stare at the life plan. Starting to finally coming to terms that you weren’t going insane and that Rin’s school profile picture was in fact staring back at you.

“That is a good question…” Ibara mumbles out, both him and Rin looking at Kirari confused, “How did you get our old man to accept this, Kirari? I can understand if it was me but Rin’s the family heir. He normally wouldn’t allow this kind of stuff.”

Kirari lets out a light laugh, “True, Mr. Obami really didn’t want to accept my proposal when I called him. He almost hung up on me when I told him how (y/n) had nothing to her family name…But...”

Kirari pauses for a second, almost as if she was trying not to laugh, “But, once I explain how (y/n)’s family had a generally healthy medical background and how (y/n) would be able to produce many healthy children in the future. He reconsidered as long as she and her family lived at the Obami family estate so he can keep an eye on (y/n) and teach her a couple things.”

You let out a small groan as you hide your face in Rin’s neck. Purely embarrassed about the fact that's the reason your future in-laws were going to allow you to marry their son. Talk about a first impression…

“Sounds like your father…” Terano sighs out as she looks at Rin and Ibara who are both trying not to laugh.

“Well, on the bright side (y/n), you really lucked out! You got everything you wanted!” Yumeko tells you as she happily passes the life plan off to Rin.

“What do you mean?” You asked confused, sending a quick glare Ibara’s way as he snickers at something written down in the life plan.

“Well, obviously you got to be with Rin and avoided causing someone else’s life to be destroyed by him.” Yumeko explains, holding up one hand to signify the obvious before holding up her other hand to explain the other thing she was getting at, “But, you also gained the thing you were fighting for. With your family forced into moving in the Obami estate, Rin doesn’t have to pay for any of your life expenses that you were so worried about.”

“Oh yeah…” You mutter out as you take a glance up at Rin who was still reading the life plan. You really did end up lucking out. There’s really no downfall in this exact scenario.

“Hey Kirari…” Ibara suddenly speaks up. Based on his expression, it looked like he was thinking something hilarious. Which isn’t always the best when it comes to Ibara, “I think you got something wrong here.”

“Oh?”

Ibara's expression gets even worse as he tries to hold back his laughter before continuing, “Yeah. I doubt (y/n) and Rin are going to have their first kid at 20 when dad is going to likely room them together!”

At Ibara’s inappropriate comment, you can’t help but smack him.

“Ibara!”

“Booooo! That was bad”

“Ibara, That was way too inappropriate!”

“Hey! Come on guys… that was actually— Hey wait don’t leave!”

…You were wrong, there was always a downside to something. One of them being the fact you had to live the rest of your life listening to the Obami brother’s teasing.

[doberbutts]

Where was my father’s male privilege when he was beaten by his father so savagely that he went deaf, while his father’s girlfriend watched and did nothing?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he was abandoned and locked inside an empty apartment until the 1950s equivalent of CPS was tipped off he was there and took him to save him from starvation, because dear old grandpa and his girlfriend at the time didn’t want a defective child once they figured out they’d permanently fucked him up?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he bounced from foster home to foster home until he was held down and raped by one of his foster brothers, tried to tell his foster mother, and she just called him a faggot and left it at that?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he was finally reunited with his mother and had to scrape together a living by eating stale bread and running errands for what turned out to be local gangs, because she was too poor to feed another mouth?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he watched a black man shot by police bleed out in the street?

Where was my father’s male privilege when teachers who should have caught his deafness instead made him believe he was failing his classes because he was stupid because that’s just how black people are?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he got the tar kicked out of him by his white classmates who felt emboldened by their female teacher’s anti-black racism?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he brought the subject of racism up with the school board after a cross was lit on fire on his desk, and he was dismissed by both male and female staff?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he struggled to find a job after completing college, completing a master’s degree, which he paid for exclusively with scholarships earned from his competitive essay writing, because no one wanted to hire a disabled black man?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he was accused of assault by a white female student who could not keep her story straight and eventually admitted she had made it up because she wanted to put her black principal back in his place?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he was violently cuffed and illegally searched while I sat in the carseat and he was forced to comfort me through the window?

Where was my father’s male privilege when his wife, my mother, was immediately disowned by her entire family for associating herself with him? When she was forced to make a choice between a future with him, or her family? When he sees this echo with his children, and my sister’s children have still never met my brother-in-law’s family despite more than 10 years of marriage?

Where was my father’s male privilege when he came to pick us up from school and my school refused to let him in until the cops verified he was exactly who he said he was? Despite his name matching his ID, the lanyard he wore stating he was a principal at a nearby school, and the name on the school registry as being one of my parents? Despite me being called into the office to peek through the blinds at him and verifying that yes, this was my father?

Where was my father’s male privilege as neighbors who protested living near a black man repeatedly called the police on him as he pulled into the driveway of the house he’s lived in since I was born, let himself in with his own key, with ID to match the address and having known these neighbors by first name? To the point my white-passing mother had to diffuse the situation?

My father is straight and cis. My father is black and disabled. My father is a survivor. My father is a lot of things, and I have a lot of complicated feelings about him, but he is not trash. He has not skated through life as though it’s easy. His life was significantly harder than my mother’s, and her life wasn’t easy either. He has been hurt by men. He has been hurt by women. Some of the instances he has been hurt, my mother was directly sheltered from because she is a woman.

Her father was also an angry drunk, but deliberately did not take his anger out on his daughters, preferring to beat his son bloody instead. Mom has the trauma of watching her father beat the piss out of her brother and having to patch him back up after, but never of having been beaten herself.

Mom found herself in compromising and dangerous positions at times, but was protected from physical harm by her brother and the other men around her who saw it as their duty to protect the girls from that sort of thing. Literally the only good thing about rural purity culture.

Mom has a history of speaking out against racism and discrimination when she sees it, but has never needed to throw a punch in her life, because there was always a man around to protect her from the resulting fight. The men might not have agreed with her views on race but they were connected to her and thus duty/honor bound to protect her if someone tried to jump her because she wouldn’t let them beat up the black kid or told them to stop bothering the asian kid.

Mom never once had to stop and consider that it would be kinder to her partner to break things off.

Mom has never been falsely accused of assault because it’s just assumed that women don’t do that.

Mom has never been accused of trying to kidnap us because it’s believable that a white woman has mixed race kids that are darker than her but inconceivable that a black man has mixed race kids that are lighter than him.

Mom has never had the police called on her for entering her own house in their very white neighborhood.

Mom has only been pulled over once in her life, and the cop was far more interested in what my sisters and I were doing in her car than anything she might have potentially done.

My mother is straight and cis. She is also a white-passing POC and disabled. My mother is a survivor. My mother is a lot of things, and I have a lot of complicated feelings about her, but even she admits that her life was easier than my dad’s.

Cis, straight men suffer. White men suffer. My uncle is also a white-passing POC and a survivor. Do you know how much pent up anger he has? Still has, even though my grandfather changed and got better and apologized and owned up to his wrongs? Even though my grandfather’s been dead for years now? My uncle is sullen and prefers a bottle to take away his pain, pain he’s not been able to process, not been allowed to process, and he’s been that way since he was a child, which is not surprising considering what I’ve been directly told the beatings entailed... and things are always worse than what you’re told when it comes to that.

And all of that anger and resentment and rage and pain builds and builds until one of his sisters pokes him a little too hard about it and then he roars at them and storms off and he knows it’s wrong to take it out on them and he knows it’s not fair and that they only mean well but it hurts and he knows no other outlet besides lashing out because that was the only thing he was ever taught. Men get drunk and then get angry and then get violent. So he stops himself at yelling because he knows he can’t hit in anger, and he leaves and bangs doors behind him and stomps off until he calms down.

And you can say “dude needs therapy” and you know... you’re not wrong. But why would he ever seek it? When he sought help as a child he was told to be a man and suck it up and harden and grow some balls. His mother didn’t intervene to help him. You know, I know, he knows it’s because she was afraid her husband would turn on her. But it still hurts to know your own mother let your own father do that to you. Repeatedly. Over and over and over again. The most help he ever got was some first aid from his sisters when my grandfather decided he was done being angry. His teachers just knew him as an angry, sullen boy who frequently got into fistfights with other angry, sullen boys and chalked new bruises up to that. 

If you grow up like this, betrayed by everyone who is supposed to help you, then why would you ever consider seeking outside help as an adult?

And if your reaction is- see? He is a violent man! He is part of the problem! He could seek help and won’t because he is a stubborn man that wants to make his problems into women’s problems by relying on his sisters!

Then you fail to understand that my uncle is the way he is because of unprocessed, repeated trauma and betrayal that he was actively discouraged from seeking help to free himself of the cycle and start to heal. And his sisters were the only people in his life that did not harm him in that way, so at this point his sisters and his wife are the only people he trusts when triggers get poked and the pot boils over.

He does need therapy. He’s not likely to ever seek it out. And it’s because he was born a boy that this happened to him, and it’s because he was born a boy that no one was willing to help when he needed it most.

These men are not part of the queer community. They still were made vulnerable, and needed help, and did not get any, because of that same logic that drives these feelings about men not needing to be helped or included or assisted today. It’s not progressive just because the logic is coming from the queer community this time instead of conservative christians.

[spockandawe]

I’m so unbelievably weak against characters who make terrible choices because they’re hurting and upset. I love the subtler resentful decisions that quietly build up ill will, and I love the big dramatic choices that end with everyone going down in flames. But more than anything, I love love love hurting myself with the emotional flavor of a character struggling with the tension of simultaneously realizing that people hate/mistrust them (or how much people hate/mistrust them, or which people hate/mistrust them), while also realizing that those people just have... no idea where they’re coming from.

I was thinking about this first because of Mu Qing, who is honestly a very low-key version of this scenario (and it’s also quieter since he’s not a lead character and rarely takes the spotlight himself). But the first big tgcf flashback honestly made my heart ache, seeing him trying to walk a line between maintaining his own independence/pride and not belonging to someone he wants to be peers with, but when he tries to be tactful, people decide he’s being shady.  He was picking cherries, to bring a treat to his poor mother (and the poor children around his home), but then got accused of stealing, and then didn’t want to say that it was because his only remaining parent was living in poverty. And it continues through the present day! He knocks out Feng Xin so he can save him from a burning city, because Feng Xin refuses to leave, and people are like ‘>:OOO MU QING ATTACKED FENG XIN??’ In some ways, this character hurts me more than the others, because he rarely does anything wrong, he has a bad attitude, but his most significant “missteps” tend to be like ‘you could have been a little more kind, tbh.’

But also too, I’ve been working my way through the svsss extras again, and... Shen Jiu. God, Shen Jiu. This character is agonizing, and I love him so much. He makes terrible choices! He does terrible things! He tries to set up an actual literal child to die horribly, because he resents that this child had a parent who loved him, and that he found his way to Cang Qiong young enough to reach his full potential! It’s absolutely unforgivable! But nobody except Yue Qingyuan has any clue how much Shen Jiu has been through and how to possibly help him grow or heal or how to support him into better decision making. And Shen Jiu is so hurt by the way Yue Qingyuan left him that he refuses to let Yue Qingyuan help him now. Like! This child was a slave, begging for food on the streets, then was sold to a rich boy who abused him in sexually-flavored ways and planned to marry him to his sister so he could keep him forever, and then his “rescuer” was a scumbag adult who taught him to steal and murder. 

And while Shen Jiu was suffering, he thinks Yue Qingyuan, who came from the same beginning and who promised to come back for him, was living in careless pampered luxury in a prestigious cultivation sect. Shen Jiu’s own self-evaluations are incredibly harsh, from the moment he’s reunited with Yue Qingyuan. He calls himself terrible, he calls himself a thing, and once it’s clear that he’s going to pay the price for his bad decisions, he tries hard to shove away the one person who cares about him and find some way to protect him. Yue Qingyuan never stopped loving him and defending him, but literally nobody else in the world has any sympathy for him whatsoever. How am I not supposed to be heartbroken? Shang Qinghua sighs over how his readers used to hate on Shen Qingqiu for having no motivations, which, sure, that’s understandable from what’s on the “Proud Immortal Demon Way” pages, but seeing the trauma driving his choices in svsss and seeing his own self-awareness and self-loathing and knowing that one (1) person in-universe has any inkling of his internal world (and that person died trying to help him), I’m! In pain!!!

Plus, in svsss proper, I saw a post in passing once that was something like... ‘readers are hard on luo binghe, because he’s the only mxtx protagonist where we see the worst decisions of his life and aren’t in his head to understand why he’s making those decisions.’ Which I still find fascinating, and think about often. It makes sense to me. And as far as my terrible-decision-making children go, he’s very interesting to me because he doesn’t really deal with the widespread distaste/mistrust that mu qing and shen jiu experience, it’s very much targeted on one person. I live for the parts of svsss where all Luo Binghe has to do is breathe, and Shen Qingqiu flinches and bolts. And Luo Binghe is not acting in kind or well-considered ways, a lot of the time! But he was seventeen, and his beloved teacher had told him that ‘humans can be good or evil, demons can be good or evil,’ but the moment Luo Binghe turned out to be half demon, even though he’d just been fighting desperately trying to protect Shen Qingqiu, that teacher he trusted more than anything immediately turned on him, stabbed him in the chest, and threw him into hell.

That’s agonizing!!!! Even without the aftermath, that’s agonizing to read! And when Luo Binghe comes back, years later, he’s upset, he’s hurt, he’s lonely, he’s still stinging from that betrayal, of course he’s not making good decisions. I follow good blogs, because I haven’t seen any terrible Luo Binghe takes on my dash, but I’m kind of :c that these takes apparently exist. Again, it’s not that I think he makes good decisions, but I can see why he makes bad decisions, and I can see other characters missing that context, and I am rolling in terrible, glorious pain. Luo Binghe shows up secretly in Huan Hua Palace and starts taking it over and generally acts shady as heck? Well, Shizun wouldn’t let him beg for forgiveness when he was a disciple, and he’s afraid to face Shen Qingqiu until he can meet him on a semi-equal footing. Luo Binghe gets angry and spiteful when Shen Qingqiu asks if he’s responsible for the sowers? Yes he does! He’d always, always tried to do right by Shen Qingqiu, and trusted Shen Qingqiu when he said demons could be decent people, but the moment he turned out to be half-demon, Shen Qingqiu immediately started expecting the worst from him at every turn. It hurts! I don’t blame him for acting on that hurt! And I am so endlessly compelled by the way that Shen Qingqiu completely fails to recognize the context for where Binghe is coming from.

And like... I cannot leave out Xue Yang and Jin Guangyao. Xue Yang is fascinating in his own way, because the steps are... a lot more explicit and clear-cut than some of these other characters. Shen Jiu’s downward spiral is very internal and he curls up tight to hide his weak spots even with the person who values him most in the whole world, but Xue Yang very plainly tries to lay out his reasoning for his most important person. His whole world is crumbling by the time things reach that point, and it was probably beyond salvaging, but god! He tries so hard to explain the position the world placed him in, from childhood onward, helpless and vulnerable, and that nobody was going to defend him except himself. 

But when Xiao Xingchen doesn’t understand what he’s trying to communicate, when he realizes that the person he values most isn’t willing to hear what he’s trying to say, he starts lashing out again and trying to hurt. It’s the same lesson he learned when he was young, in some ways. ‘If I’m stupid enough to trust you, you’re going to use that to hurt me.’ And then the logical next step, ‘If you’re going to hurt me, all I can do is try to hurt you worse.’ You can see the trauma playing out right there on the page, and it’s agonizing. I can understand some people not enjoying reading things that make them hurt that way, but I have trouble Getting it when people don’t at least find that kind of dynamic compelling as hell. I’ll sometimes avoid media that I know is going to make me sad, but if I’m in the mood to Experience Sadness, I know a dynamic like this is going to grab me by the heart and shake me like a ragdoll.

And... Jin Guangyao. He was on my mind too, partly because I’ve seen a few takes on his motivations lately that honestly kind of baffle me? Like, to each their own, especially since mdzs never takes us inside his head. But I see posts that like... he was bullying Nie Mingjue, or what if Lan Xichen could Tell he was never genuine and mistrusted him on some level, and how to put this. It’s not that I agree with the choices he made, though I really don’t want to play fandom purity police in any way, shape, or form (murder is good, actually), but I understand the choices he made enough that those sort of interpretations that skew towards the cruelty-for-the-sake-of-cruelty territory honestly kind of upset me.

There’s some interesting comparisons to be made with Mu Qing, in some ways. They both grew up poor, without a father, in “shameful” single-parent situations (a sex worker mother vs. a father being executed for being a criminal). They were poor boys with ambition, but no matter how they tried to carry themselves with dignity, those poor beginnings were rubbed in their faces, years after the fact. I think it does make a real difference that Mu Qing’s shame is mostly based in his own history (sweeping floors) while Jin Guangyao’s is more external (son of a whore), and that Jin Guangyao’s also insulted a parent who he loved dearly, and that Mu Qing was seeking the respect outside of famiial structures while Jin Guangyao was desperate to be accepted by his father.

There’s so much of Jin Guangyao’s early life that’s like ‘I’m Just Trying To Live My Life, My Dude,’ and it hurts me to watch. He really didn’t have goals that were all that excessive! If his goals were excessive in some way, it’s only by virtue of how highly ranked his father was, which isn’t his fault. His goal: ‘I want my father to accept me into the family.’ What the world saw: “oh my god, this son of a whore SERIOUSLY wants to be brought into this noble family, lmaooooo.’ There are characters who are more compassionate than that, and a lot of that reaction is down to the nature of the setting, but LORD, man! It’s honestly a pretty restrained goal for a kid to have! Especially when his father totally promised to come back for him someday, and he waited patiently for years before setting out on his own.

And even once he gets kicked down the steps of Koi Tower and dials back his ambitions, he gets so little space to breathe. He’s learning cultivation late, he takes a position as a nobody in a different cultivation sect, he’s just trying to live. But no matter how he rolls with the punches, no matter how he smiles and bears it, he’s being constantly, constantly prodded in that old, painful bruise. I’ve been finally working my way through The Untamed, and it was painful to watch, in Gusu, when he’s trying to present the Nie Sect’s gift to Lan QIren, and people just start focking gossiping about him, right there, perfectly audibly. And when we see him back in Qinghe, he’s perfectly polite and deferential, and that one disciple is still like ‘fuck you, ur mom was a whore.’

He makes bad decisions, but even when he makes good decisions, he can’t win. I don’t get anything from him at all that suggests he had Hugely Lofty Ambitions from a young age, he just wanted some kind of decent life, but almost nobody would cut him a break. Nie Mingjue did cut him a break, and Lan Xichen was gentle and kind to him, and that made such an impact on him. But I also think it made it that much worse, when he made later questionable decisions, and Nie Mingjue refused to let him explain himself. Nie Mingjue’s rigidity breaks my heart in lots of ways, but especially when it comes to Jin Guangyao. I don’t want to make this all about personal attachment, but it’s kind of inescapable in this situation. Nie Mingjue sends him a loud, violent message that if he’s not perfectly morally upright, he’s Done. But by now, Jin Guangyao has years of history of people being cruel to him based on a history he never was able to control. Nie Mingjue protected him, but hes made it clear that protection was... conditional. There could be arguments about how conditional, and what the non-murdery limits would have been, but the murder has been done, and it was already clear that Nie Mingjue never had the power to protect him from everything.

I can’t read Jin Guangyao’s later actions without also reading that fear and insecurity into his decisions. He even tries to say it outright, that he’s afraid of everyone and everything, and Nie Mingjue misses the point. Jin Guangyao hurts me a lottle, because he suffers both in terms of the general public’s judgment of him, but also in the judgment of someone he cared deeply about. I can see the reasoning and trauma, but so many other people in the story can’t. Jin Guangyao gets pushed to the edge by how his father holds him at arm’s length from the family, the atrocities he tells Jin Guangyao to commit on his behalf (and then maybe I’ll treat you like my actual son, maybe), but when he tries to express that, Nie Mingjue is like ‘can’t you just endure more, though??’ He builds a temple with a statue with the face of his dead beloved mother, and the public is like ‘omg, he made that statue with his OWN FACE, can you believe it??’

In some ways, the way Lan Xichen determinedly loves and trusts him makes it all hurt even worse. I absolutely believe Jin Guangyao when he says that he never once wanted to act against Lan Xichen. So many of the terrible decisions Jin Guangyao makes tie so directly to him seeking either safety or security. But he works hard in social gatherings to keep the peace and people think he’s two-faced. He endures years of mistreatment before hitting back and people judge him for hitting back at all and say that well, what else could we have respected from someone with that background. Nie Mingjue threatens to kill him multiple times, and he was a very straightforward, honest man, of course Jin Guangyao was frightened of him and decided it was safer to see him dead. I live for the pain of seeing a character I love make decisions I strongly disagree with, understanding why they’re making those decisions, and seeing other characters not understand, and simply hate them for the decisions.

This isn’t exactly new, this is why I’ll never be able to shake my love for Starscream, even if his quality of motivation... varies by continuity. And Pharma and Prowl are two of my favorite characters in all of idw1 for exactly this reason. I’ve got  at least three fics brushing up against Pharma’s resentment over ‘yes, i got ordered to run a hospital on a garbage planet I was sharing the most violent, sadistic decepticons in existence, I SURE WONDER WHY I WAS DRIVEN TO THIS DESPERATE POINT, BUT THE LOVE OF MY LIFE THINKS I’M JUST A TERRIBLE PERSON, SO I GUESS THAT’S THAT.’ 

And in the murderbot books, I genuinely get reduced to tears when murderbot has to deal with people compassionately interpreting its behavior instead of giving it no credit, the way its used to. I find the raksura books intensely, intensely satisfying in how Moon struggles to fit into a highly social, close-knit society after growing up so traumatized and alone, and how his colony gradually adapts to him and gets used to his quirks, instead of driving him out, the way he’s experienced so many times. No real conclusion here, I was just spacing out during a work training call, and got overtaken by how much I love characters who experience this particular flavor of emotional isolation.

[sweethq]

♡ how you became friends with them // headcanon

𑁍 Characters: Oikawa Tōru, Kuroo Tetsurō, Akaashi Keiji, Sugawara Kōshi

»»—Trigger warning(s): none—-««

➶ Genre: hmmm fluff?

-ˏˋ A/N: i’m an absolute hoe for all of them, I just had to put them in the same post ˊˎ-

Click here for part 1!

your nephew’s friends were going to the park to play volleyball and he wouldn’t stop begging you to take him

both of his parents were at work, forcing you to keep an eye on the little booger

all you wanted to do was stay home and watch terrible reality shows

but you decided to be nice and grant him his wish

besides, it would be nice to leave the house every once and awhile lol

when you got to the park you saw your nephew’s friends playing volleyball with a guy who was definitely not their age

“do you know that guy?” you ask the young one standing next to you, hoping that the older boy in the distance wasn’t some creep that was preying on children

“yeah, that’s _____’s uncle. he’s really good at volleyball so he likes to come and show off”

what kind of grown ass man would want to show off his skills to a bunch of 9 year olds lmao

you didn’t question it any further and took a seat on a nearby bench while your nephew ran to his friends

after about two minutes of scrolling through your phone, your nephew returns

“tooru wants you to come play volleyball with us”

“did you tell him that i don’t know anything about volleyball?”

“yup. come on, let’s go”

deadass pulls your phone out of your hand, grabs your arm, and drags you over to the group

he was freakishly strong for his age

“hi! i’m tooru, what’s your name?”

“uh, i’m y/n”

“cool! do you want to play volleyball with us?”

“do i have a choice?”

“nope!”

he quickly goes over the gist of the game and shows you how to position your arms for a receive and how to spike the ball

honestly most of it went through one ear and out the other, but you nodded as if you understood everything he was saying

you finally started the mock match, you and tooru on opposing sides

first play into the game, tooru serves it (at like 30% power from his usual serves) and it’s coming straight for you

instead of taking a step backwards so you can receive it, you just stare at it until it hits you dead in the face hAAA

all of the kids started laughing while tooru stood there in shock

who would’ve known this would be the start to an amazing friendship

we all know, math is FREAKING HARD

and the fact that you had to learn about imaginary numbers irked the hell out of you

they don’t even exist, WHY DO I NEED TO KNOW THIS

but that’s just the way the cookie crumbles and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it

your teacher could see you visibly struggling with this lesson, even seeing that you nearly failed one of your quizzes

she pulled you to the side after class one day and told it to you straight

“if you don’t get a B on this next test, you’re going to have to retake this class”

“y-you expect me to get a B?!!!?!?!?!?”

yeah the rest of the day you were depressed lol

how in the world were you supposed to magically understand all of the material within the next week?

that’s where smartboi!kuroo comes along

he approaches you during lunch, taking the empty seat in front of you

you just kinda 👁️👄👁️

“hi so i couldn’t help but overhear your conversation with our math teacher. i can help you if you want. i don’t know if you know this, but i’m kinda good at math”

he gave you one of his infamous smirks, making you scoff

you had never talked to kuroo before, but he had a reputation around school for being arrogant and cold

“please tell me why i would want help from you?”

“because if you don’t get help then you’re probably going to fail this class and have to retake it, and we both know that’s not what you want.”

you hate that he’s right

“ugh fine”

over the course of that week you and kuroo hung out every day after school

and you found out that he’s nothing like what people say he is, he’s just a big nerd

you start to become fond of him, liking how patient he is with you and how much effort he’s putting into your tutoring sessions

by the end of the week, you’re actually able to call him a friend

and you got a B on the test :p

you were not a morning person

you were the type or person that needed to set 50 alarms in the morning just so you’d wake up for school

unfortunately, sometimes 50 alarms still isn’t enough to keep you from falling back asleep

one morning, you closed your eyes after turning off your alarm, knowing that another one will go off in 10 minutes. I’ll get up then, you tell yourself

what you didn’t know is that the alarm you turned off happened to be the last one

you wandered back to sleep and waited for the alarm that never went off

when you woke up, you checked your phone and saw that you were most definitely running late

you quite literally jumped out of bed and threw on your uniform and shoes before grabbing your backpack and running out the door

you didn’t even bother grabbing something to eat or checking the weather, two things you usually did every morning

you sprinted towards the bus stop, hoping that you didn’t just miss it and have to wait for another

but of course, as you’re approaching, you see the bus depart

and, to make matters even better, it was starting to rain

you made your way to the bus stop, standing under the small roof for shelter from the rain, staring at the bus that was slowly getting smaller

you sigh loudly while taking out your phone, finding the bus schedule only to see that the next one won’t be coming for another 20 minutes

school starts in 15, which is around the same time it would take to run there

but at this point, it wasn’t just raining, it was absolutely downpouring. but what choice did you have?

you prepared yourself to ruin into the rain, but before you could leave the shelter of the roof above you, a cold hand grabbed onto your wrist

you turned around to see sugawara, a boy who was in your third period class

he reached into his backpack and pulled out an umbrella before handing it to you

“here, use this. if you run to school in this weather, you might catch a cold”

“no, that’s okay. if i take this, then you might catch a cold. plus, it’s your umbrella, you should use it”

he laughed before grabbing your hand and placing the umbrella in it

before you could protest, he pulled his hood over his head and ran into the rain

you were dumbfounded, but decided not to waste any more time and make your way to school

you returned his umbrella to him when you saw him in class, and bought him lunch as a thank you

found out that you guys live in the same direction, and decided to walk to and from school together

now you don’t need 50 alarm clocks, knowing that suga will beat ur ass if you’re not ready to leave by the time he gets to your house lol

it was the week before finals, so you were doing the same thing that most students were doing

pulling all nighters at the library and drinking way too much coffee

it was approximately 2:30 in the morning when you were approaching the last class you needed to study for

the problem was, you had left your textbook for that class at home (freaking idiot)

thankfully for you, the library had one in stock that you could borrow for free

you wandered around the building that was surprisingly empty

on most days, every seat would be filled regardless of the time, everyone wanting to cram as much knowledge into their heads before their big exams

you finally found the section you were looking for and started scouting the bookshelves for the textbook you desired

after a solid 10 minutes of grazing through hundreds of books, your eyes finally fall onto the one you’ve been looking for

the only problem was

it was on the top shelf

and you were definitely not tall enough to reach it

but were you going to ask someone to help you get the book like a normal person?

of course not

no, the only logical answer to this problem would to be to climb the bookcase and use the tips of your finger to hopefully bring the book into your grasp

so that’s what you did,,,, kinda

the book was just out of your reach, so you started to swat at it like a cat, hoping the momentum would make your reach a tad longer

and it did!

but instead of you grabbing the book, your arm decided to fling it off the shelf

and right onto the head of a pretty boy who happened to be standing right beneath you

“oh my god are you oka-” *falls off the bookcase*

you were surprisingly able to land on your feet, but you twisted your ankle in the process

“are you okay?” akaashi asked, seeing the pain flash in your eyes

“I should be asking you that, i just dropped my book on your head :(“

akaashi was definitely not planning on spending his friday night in a nurses office with some clumsy person that drops books on people’s heads

and he definitely didn’t appreciate having to be checked for a concussion when he could be using this valuable time for studying

but when he was given the all clear and your ankle was wrapped, you offered him your last onigiri as a peace offering

instantly forgets about the whole incident and becomes a happy puppy

you find out that you guys are studying for the same class so decide to combine your brains and study together

study buddies 4 life!

[taglist] — @avylee

📥 click here to fill out the taglist form

[nct-oli]

I am very confident this story will have a happy ending, not only doing Phutian justice but also Phupha and Tian individually too.

Here’s why.

(Note: I still have not opened the tags at all or read any other thoughts about this episode. I wanted to get all of my own thoughts written out for my own sake before I added anyone else’s to my brain. Thus, if anyone has written a similar post to this, I promise I did not read it!! These are thoughts straight from my own mind.)

My biggest wish this entire series has been that Tian would come to forgive himself. Even if he didn’t end up with Phupha and didn’t stay in the village, I wanted him to come to recognize his own value and his own abilities and to finally let go of the guilt that had been eating away at him for months. To me, that was the most important thing and the lesson that has been set up for the entirety of this show.

And in this post right here from after episode 7, I wrote about how I believed this story had to end with him finding peace with himself and acknowledging his self worth. For the most part, that has been how the story has progressed, and I full-heartedly believe that is how it will end.

So let’s look at where the story is after episode 9. Things are... still a bit messy. Tian is leaving. His relationship with Phupha is on the line. The children are losing another beloved teacher. And once again, Tian feels like his life is being controlled for him.

It seems Tian has always felt like he was suffocating. He has said many times that he never felt a sense of pride in himself because he never knew what he was capable of. Everything was done for him, and every decision was made without his input.

I want to add that I appreciated Tian saying to his father that he wasn’t denying that having a comfortable life is everyone’s goal. He wasn’t discrediting the things that his comfortable life afforded him. But he also knew that he hadn’t done most things for himself and in many ways wasn’t even able to do them for himself, and then after the surgery, he wasn’t able to do anything for himself. And that wasn’t the life that he wanted.

I imagine too there were a lot of pressures and expectations at home for Tian to continue the family name and follow in his father’s footsteps in some way. Maybe not career-wise but to continue making the family proud. To carry on the legacy in one way or another and to inherit the life his father created for him.

And if we really dig deeper into his life, it seems nearly everyone has thoughts about his life and how it should be. Not just his parents and his doctors but even his friends. When he went to meet them post-surgery, they started making comments about how it must be weird to have someone else’s heart and asking if he wanted to know who gave him the heart. They were putting pressures on him about how to feel and think about this really difficult situation he was in, and he got overwhelmed.

Even Tul, who we absolutely adore, came to visit Tian and immediately started discrediting his happiness in the village. He told him it wasn’t his real life, questioned how he could survive without electricity and internet, and didn’t believe him when he said he was really happy in the village. Of course, Tul also fully validated his sexuality and supported him staying in the village (bless him), but we can’t deny the fact that even he had his own opinions about what Tian’s life should and should not have looked like.

I imagine growing up the way he did, at some point, Tian probably just accepted the lack of control he had over himself. Him giving up would have only enabled everyone to continue involving themselves in his life, and thus an unfortunate cycle would have been created.

And then when he got sick, that spiraled even further. Not only did he have people controlling his life but he had this illness that could literally take his life at any point.

And then of course, post-transplant, there is the pressure of Torfun and his own guilt. This entire show, Tian has been battling with himself about his own happiness, because at the end of the day, though he was learning about his own abilities and finding pride in himself, I also think he was always questioning the validity of everything. He was constantly at war with himself about what was and wasn’t his, what he did and did not deserve, etc. He was making decisions for Torfun and struggled to separate himself from her time and time again.

But at the same time, he felt freedom in the village he had never felt before. For the first time, he felt like he was making his own choices. Yes, most made also for Torfun, but arguably he still felt he was able to make the decision on his own about whether or not to help Torfun.

The longer he was in the village, the more his guilt grew. He even said that himself, that the more comfortable he got in the village, the harder it was to keep that secret.

But simultaneously, the longer he was in the village, the more he could picture staying there: with Phupha, with the kids, and with the forest. I think by the time Phupha got shot, he was prepared to extend his time there (despite the back and forth feeling that he was putting the village in danger by staying). He was happy, and he wanted to hold onto that happy life.

Then when things were looking up again, Phupha healing and safe, Tian found out his father had always been pulling the strings behind the scenes. The freedom he thought he had was a facade. And not only that, but he felt that Phupha’s love was a facade too, bought by his parent’s money or power. This life that he thought he had suddenly felt fake, and the sense of control over his own choices he thought he had disappeared.

Once again, he felt powerless. And on top of that, betrayed.

I wrote a whole thinkpiece here about why I understand Phupha’s decisions and why I believe he was acting in character in episode 9. While he was in the wrong with how he was handling everything, his intentions were good, made from a place of genuine love for Tian.

But now Tian wants the village. He wants this life, and he knows it. But everyone around him is verbally doubting his reasons and his abilities to do so, and GOD, he’s so frustrated. For once he knows what he wants for himself, and everyone is pushing him away from it.

We all know Tian’s parents think they understand his future best. I actually felt it was rather ironic when Tian’s father told Phupha that he knew his son well, while in the same breath, told Phupha (the man his son is in love with) to make Tian leave the first place he felt truly himself. He knows nothing about his son and continues to not hear or see Tian when he tries to make him understand. So his parents trying to force him into a life he doesn’t want is no surprise.

But then here is Phupha with his genuinely good intentions forcing Tian out too because he does not see the way he is contradicting himself. He tells Tian to live for himself but does not give Tian the option to stay for himself. (Again, I wrote a lot about Phupha in this post that I’m not going to repeat here, but I’m using the logic I explained there when talking about Phupha here. So if you’re curious about why I am not overly angry with Phupha, read that.)

I think it’s really important that in more recent episodes, we’ve heard Tian start acknowledging his own capabilities and growth. He finally began to see his value, and the lessons he has been learning are starting to really solidify for him. He’s genuinely beginning to understand what this whole journey has taught him.

Unfortunately though, he was always making his decisions ultimately for Torfun. Or at least, in his own mind, repaying Torfun for this new life was always the motivation. As I said earlier, he was in this constant battle between his own happiness and the duty he felt toward Torfun.

But now... he’s finally closing that chapter with Torfun. He told his secrets. He gained forgiveness from the village. He heard Phupha tell him to live his own life.

And he’s learning to forgive himself.

So now as he’s entering a new stage of freedom, away from the grip his own guilt had on him, he’s faced with a new challenge. He’s faced with people who love him once again thinking they know best for his life. As he’s exiting one chapter, he’s entering a new one, and this one won’t come easily. But he’s entering this one better prepared after all of the lessons he learned about his own strength and capabilities, and all of the happiness he found in himself... this is the moment for him to make use of the new knowledge and feelings he has gained. This is his peak, his opportunity to finally choose himself and pick the life he wants.

For himself. Just as Phupha told him he should do.

This is the test to see if he finally grasps how valuable he is as Tian. This entire show has been about him finding his own worth outside of Torfun, outside of his parents, outside of his friends, and even outside of the village and Phupha. Just the worth that he carries with him always, as Tian.

This will also be a lesson for Phupha, that sometimes our desire to protect the people we love can hurt them and ourselves. That we have to give people the option to make mistakes. That despite him believing he’s helping Tian, he isn’t, and sometimes he doesn’t need to be so self-sacrificing to take care of the people in his life.

Tian has been controlled by guilt, fear, sadness, anxiety, depression, physical illness, disability, medication, doctor’s orders, and money, plus all of the people in his life who thought they were helping him. But after everything he has been through, this is his moment to take control back. And I believe he will. I absolutely think that is the conclusion this story has been setting up from the very beginning.

Tian may return to Bangkok, but I believe it will be temporary. I expect he’ll get there and find himself so homesick for the village that he won’t be able to stand it. And when he returns to the Pha Pun Dao, it will be because he chose it for himself. Not for anyone else.

On his own terms.

And that will be the moment he recognizes just how immeasurable his self growth has been.

-------------------------------------

If I end up being wrong......... you never saw this post.

But I would be genuinely shocked if this is not where the story is going (or at least to some degree), because they set it up so beautifully to end up this way. In fact, I predicted generally that this was the moral of the story way back at the beginning of the show, and it has continued to move in that direction since. So if this isn’t the conclusion to Tian’s story, I’ll be highly disappointed that all of the lessons they set up for him (as well as for Phupha and the others) were thrown away after all of the build up. 

They’ve added all but that final puzzle piece, and I’d be really shocked if they left the picture unfinished.

(This was much messier than I intended, but I really struggled to put all of my random thoughts into one coherent post. So I hope this made even a tiny bit of sense.)

[ashintheairlikesnow]

The Fight

CW: Ableism against a child, references to attempted noncon/assault of a survivor, religious references to the Bible, conditioning, trauma recovery, trauma response

TIMELINE: Immediately post-Creepy Pet Lib Guy. Links in piece.

She hears his footsteps, the soft motion of him through the living room and into the den, where a single lamp is on in the corner on the side table next to the old couch Paul never could bear to throw out. Ronnie doesn’t look over at him, instead picking at a bit of duct tape affixed over a ripped spot while sipping her beer straight from the bottle.

There’s a show on the television - they have a new one finally, but Ronnie’s never thrown out a damn thing that wasn’t broken just because it got replaced and she’s not about to start now, so she moved it in here - but she’s not watching it. Not even sure what the show is, only that the laugh track is tinny and never seems timed to the moments of actual humor. 

The house is mostly silent, this late at night. There’s no sound but the occasional gurgle from the ice machine in the fridge, the soft hum of electronics that she never notices except when the power goes out, and then only because of its sudden absence. 

No sound but the television’s off-key laughter and the footsteps of her son, creeping up behind her. 

“Mommy?” His voice is so high and soft, fuzzy with sleepiness, and she turns with a tired smile to see him dragging his favorite blanket behind him along the floor. It’s a quilt she bought at a church’s Christmas market when he was two, and it had buttons sewn in with the patches, giving the cats the quilt is decorated with three-dimensional button eyes. 

His face is rounded and so like his father’s, even so, his face and eyes and his hair are all Paul’s, through and through. He’s an echo, a clone of his father, in a lot of ways… up to and including navigating a world that has already labeled him as difficult, and he’s only six years old.

“Hey, baby. What are you doing up?” She’s twenty-three with a six year old son, and doesn’t that seem strange, some days? So many of her friends from high school are still out until dawn, posting photos of their drunken shenanigans on Facebook, and here Ronnie sits… twenty-three, with a husband who works nights, and a six-year-old son whose teacher calls him hopeless, right to his fucking face.

“I, I, I had a bad dream,” He says, and his eyes are so, so big in his small round face. Paul’s eyes are like that, big and green and soulful. She’d fallen into them, her junior year, and she’d never wanted to climb back out. No matter that her friends thought he was weird, no matter that yeah, okay, he is weird - he’s her kind of weird, and she and Paul understood each other right from the start. 

“Oh, no.” She pats the couch cushion beside her and he clambers almost eagerly up to tuck himself in beside her. Her throat nearly closes as he carefully spreads his blanket out to cover them both, the simple gesture of care and love. How do you look this boy in the eyes and tell him he can’t do something? “What was your bad dream about, do you want to tell me?”

“Monsters,” He says, as if that single word relays all the information she could possibly need. Maybe it does, really - at least the monsters her son dreams about are easier to vanquish than the ones Ronnie has to help him learn how to face on his own as he grows.

“Good thing I monster-proofed this house before we moved in,” Ronnie teases. She moves her arm around his shoulders and he smiles, faintly, eyes closing as he leans his head against her collarbone, his ear right where he’s always wanted it, ever since birth - over her heart. Listening to her heartbeat. Sure enough, his fingers find their way to her stomach and start to tap in time with it, and Ronnie sips her beer again.

“Monsters aren’t, aren’t, aren’t real, actually,” He says, speaking quietly and without opening her eyes, and Ronnie thinks if her six-year-old well, actuallys her one more time… she read all the parenting books and has a whole shelf of parenting memoirs she’s picked up and not a single one mentioned that little kids are fucking know-it-alls. Not one.

“Well, if they’re not real, then why are you buggin’ Mommy at midnight because of dreaming about them, huh?” She keeps her voice light and affectionate, just this side of teasing. Tristan doesn’t react well to any kind of perceived anger or rejection, moping for a day or more around while his brain tries to process that she didn’t stop loving him just because he did something that bothered her. Tris as a toddler broke her heart more than once with terrified insistence that you, you, you don’t even like me anymore after time-outs or discipline.

He’s just being manipulative, her mother had said once, but Ronnie knew better. 

He’s three years old, Mom. He’s not trying to manipulate me, he’s scared.

He’s just doing what works, Veronica, you can’t always give in to it.

Mom. He is a little boy. Do you realize how you sound?

Now his teacher is repeating the same tired circular logic that cycles round and round her son without ever seeing him. Ronnie is staring down the barrel of another round of meetings, talking to administrators to try and get around the teacher’s rigidity and hostility, arguing for Tris to get moved into a new class, and all the while he’ll fall further and further behind in his in-class work - while at home he rockets through the homeschooling workbooks she buys, a six-year-old already doing second-grade reading and writing work, first-grade math, obsessed with a kid show about science that they have to watch every single day or he has seriously informed her he might die.

The knowledge is there, and his love of learning hasn’t been throttled by school yet, and Ronnie can’t do anything but try to work within a system that tells her that her son needs to be changed or cured in order to not be kept locked away from everyone else.

Monsters are pretty fucking real, in Ronnie’s experience. 

One day her son will have to learn that all the monsters are human beings.

God, she’s so tired of fighting, and so very aware that she’s not going to stop until the whole damn world remakes itself to give space for Tristan, until the world deserves how unreservedly her son loves it.

She takes another drink, then sets the beer bottle carefully down on the coaster - she ordered them last year, and they all have little stylized drawings of the three of them on it, faceless sketches of a man, a woman, a child - man and child red-headed, woman with brown hair. 

When she’d gotten the positive pregnancy test, right before Thanksgiving her junior year, she’d thrown up and cried for a week and been sullen and silent at the holiday table, trying to figure out what to do next.

But Paul had never hesitated. When she told him, his response had been to go home to his dad and ask to start working part-time with the Garden, running packages he never looked into, playing lookout outside of bars while the Garden met inside. His first pay - cash handed to him in an envelope - he’d spent some of it on a onesie, a baby blanket, and a stuffed puppy with fur so soft Ronnie could barely stand the fluff. 

Then he’d spent some more on ginger chews and ‘Preggo Pops’, lollipops that were supposed to help with Ronnie’s morning sickness, and three books on pregnancy for her and one book on becoming a dad for him. 

Paul did what Paul always did - took one look at a cliff he had to cross and simply leapt headfirst and hoped for the best. That impulsiveness that she loved and that had gotten him in so much trouble in life, the enthusiasm that carried her long with it.

There are monsters in the world, Ronnie thinks, running fingers through her son’s fine, soft hair. But there are people who help you fight the monsters, too. Even if the monster is just the stares from other students at school as her stomach grew, the way her friends’ parents stopped letting her come to their houses, the thin-lipped disapproval of the principal handing her a high school diploma as she half-waddled across the stage, refusing to be shamed, engagement ring on her finger. Even if the monster is a world that tries to shove her son into boxes that he can’t fit into, or a teacher who sends him home in tears convinced he’s too stupid to learn anything.

Her jaw sets.

Veronica Higgs has been headstrong since birth, and she’s never made a decision she didn't follow through on. Never turned away from a fight. She’s not about to start now, not when it’s her son.

Ronnie has never turned away from the sweet baby that had looked at her with such dark-eyed seriousness when he was born, the infant who cried for reasons Ronnie couldn't’ fathom, the toddler who screamed that the lights at Target hurt his skin, the little boy who lined up dinosaurs and cars and toy horses in perfect color gradients, the boy who rocks in her arms and hums when he’s happy, the boy she hopes will one day be able to live on his own without her, because…

Because if only Paul and Ronnie are going to fight for him, then they’re going to have to be a fight so fierce that everyone else can’t possibly hold out against them.

The doctors said he might not talk - and he talks a mile-a-minute, about any-fucking-thing that comes into his mind. They said he wouldn’t make friends easily, but he goes on sleepovers with his gymnastics buddies, just went to a party at Chuck E. Cheese with a little preparation so he wasn’t scared of the games and lights and noise when he got there. They said he would struggle in school, and-

Well, he does. But only because of the adults who refuse to understand that Tris learns just fine… if you let him listen in his own way.

“Hey, Tris?” She smiles down at him and he turns those big green eyes up to her. There’s a chapped spot on his lower lip that looks like he might have messed with it until it opened into a sore, and she reminds herself to get some vaseline on it. “You want to stay here with me for a bit? We’ll watch one of your shows, and then back to bed. How’s that sound?”

He smiles at her, and nods a little, still tapping along to her heartbeat. “Oh, oh, okay, Mom. Can, can, can… can-can… can we watch Dino King?”

“Yeah, sure.” Ronnie hates that show, but really - he loves it, and it’s one night, and she could use the way his open, brilliant happiness helps her forget that he’s going to have to work harder and harder to hold onto it as he grows.

She picks up the remote, brings up the menu, switches to a streaming network, and listens to the grating, familiar theme song start to play as her son’s eyes move contentedly to the screen. 

He watches the show, but he never takes his head away from her heartbeat.

---

Natalie Yoder has had easier nights than this one, that’s for fucking sure. She leans over the kitchen table, papers spread out in front of her, trying to figure out where they went wrong. This is one of their biggest grants, it’s a bit of funding that she has always relied on, and… denied approval for the upcoming fiscal year. 

Thousands of dollars she needs to feed and clothe and house her rescues, gone up in smoke, denied with a bloodless email and no ability to fight back, not for this one. Not this year. It could be a simple error, something she overlooked, sure. Or maybe the association that gives out the grants is suspicious of her story about transitioning homeless people into permanent housing, which really is exactly what she’s doing, isn’t it?

Just… not the kind of homeless people the grant givers are imagining.

She’ll have to call Vince to beg for him to help her fill in the gap, and that will mean time for him to speak with his finance guy and get another couple of shell companies to funnel the money through so it doesn’t go back to him. He’ll give it to her, to be sure - Vince could give her the money to run this place flat out for the rest of his life and still be one of the wealthiest men in America, thanks to his low-key lifestyle and strong work ethic meaning he spends more time filming or producing than he does doing anything else.

Nat knows why Vince doesn’t want to be home, to sit up alone with a bottle or a glass in his hand. She knows his work ethic is simply escaping the demons that will never stop haunting his footsteps, what he traded away for his success, what he lost, what the money and fame can protect him from but can’t remove the stamp of it already written over his soul.

He’s famous, and rich, and Owen Grant can’t touch him now… but the tradeoff of Vince’s survival was that some innocent kid was abducted and turned, through drugs and torture and horrifying assault, into Kauri.

Kauri, who hasn’t answered the phone or sent a text in a week.

Not since that fucking group meeting where Chris was assaulted and Kauri stood up for him. Not since Kauri’s intuition that Kyle had some less-than-savory interest in Chris had proven correct, because… it wasn’t intuition at all.

It was experience. 

Nat groans, rubbing her hands over her face, closing her eyes and reminding herself, teeth ground together, to try and stay calm. It’s not unusual for Kauri to disappear for a while, a week or more. It’s not a sign that something is wrong. He was hurt by Nat pushing him, he needs time to think. 

He’ll pop right back up again, smiling like nothing happened, like he isn’t giving Nat gray hairs (well, new ones, anyway) trying to tell herself he’ll be okay.

All she can do is trust that he’ll come back when he’s ready.

... and castigate herself for letting that fucking predator get close to Chris without picking up on what he was planning, and for not realizing Kauri wasn’t just being overprotective of a younger rescue, but - in his own way - waving giant red flags that Nat, and Jake, and everyone else just didn’t see.

That, and then losing the grant, have made for one hell of a fucking week.

Nat takes deep breaths. Her hands smell like dish soap and a hint of the roasted garlic she’d put in the soup for supper lingering. The kitchen still smells like the garlic, roasted parsnips and rosemary. Chris had never had parsnips before-

Not that anyone knows if he really hasn’t or not.

“Oh, Nat, you are a mess tonight,” She mutters to herself. “Just full-on moping, huh? That’s how we’re gonna play it?”

Then she hears the soft scrape of a foot on the tile and looks up, blinking, to see Chris in the doorway, leaning against the wood of the frame, the big purple fuzzy blanket she’d gotten him a few weeks back wrapped around his narrow shoulders, the hints of faded muscle that still linger there. Usually he’s draped in Jake’s clothes but tonight he’s only wearing his basketball shorts, no shirt at all.

The rare glimpse of so much of Chris’s skin - she hasn’t seen so much of him since the night he arrived in the pouring rain - tells Nat more than anything else that Chris isn’t okay, either. 

“Hey, Chris. What’s up, sweetheart?” Nat glances over at the oven, squinting at the clock, and then groans. “Jesus, it’s nearly 2 am. I lost track of time, I guess.”

Chris doesn’t move from the doorway, not at first. He’s gone quiet again, since the assault, regressing back into periods of stillness and silence that they were so sure he’d gotten past. Jake says he’s testing again, trying to push Jake and Antoni into repeating the patterns that were tortured into his mind as normal, reacting with relief at their rejections - and then testing again, within hours, reminding himself that they’ll never say yes.

Nat looks at him, the shadows under his green eyes, and tries, “Did you have a nightmare?”

He slowly nods, and she watches his hands twist a little into the soft fabric of his blanket, rhythmically twisting to the side and back, nearly invisible with how well he can hide what he does to soothe himself, a skill taught in all the worst ways, learned in a desperate attempt to keep himself sane.

“Hm. I can see that. Was it about the meeting, the other night?”

His eyes dance away from hers, move to the ceiling, and he’s staring upwards at the rough texture up there as he nods, chewing on his lower lip with his top teeth, worrying at a spot that she knows he’ll eventually work to bleeding, sooner or later. He pauses and says, softly, “Kauri… didn’t come find me. That was, was my... my dream. And... it. It hurt.”

His voice, slow drips of speech, hits Nat like a knife to the heart. She nods, slowly, and pushes herself up, chair scraping back across the tile. Chris flinches minutely at the sound, curling a little into himself. “I understand, sweetheart,” She says, softly. “I’m so sorry we didn’t know sooner.”

She thinks, looking at him, of Daniel in the lion’s den, an old Bible story that’s never left her. Daniel trusted God and walked out unscathed, but she’s always thought maybe he wasn’t quite as unscathed as the Bible wants you to think he was. 

It’s one thing to have faith that you’ll survive being thrown in with monsters - it’s another to be so inhuman that you don’t wake with nightmares, for months or years after, that you were never saved at all. She is certain, deep down inside of her, that Daniel dreamed of a lion’s teeth and a promise broken, a prayer unheard.

The stories talk about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in a furnace walking out of the flames untouched, but of course the flames had still touched them. Scars aren’t always written openly on your skin. 

Of course they dreamed of flames scorching their skin, curling their hair, smoke stealing breath from their lungs. They, like Daniel, must have woken gasping, certain that their faith had been misplaced, that their trust that someone stood between them and the monsters who would destroy them had been betrayed.

They must have breathed, panting, in the middle of the night, and sworn they could still see the smoke in the air, feel the heat against their skin. 

They must have needed to come fully awake to remember - and believe - that they had been rescued. They must have needed the reminder.

Chris has no scars from walking with monsters - all his scars are inside his head. Chris’s scars come in his fear that she will not want him, that no one really wants him, when he can’t fight back or say no or defend himself, when he needs someone else to be his defense, to go to war. They come in his insistent, constant testing of Jake, pushing to see if it’s all been a lie, if they only want to use him the way he has been taught he is made to be used.

“Kauri was smarter than any of the rest of us,” Nat says, feeling suddenly exhausted. “We should have listened. I shouldn’t have had to step in. You deserved better.”

Chris deserves a fucking angel to lead him untouched out of the flames.

All he has is Jake - and Nat. 

She fills a saucepan with cold milk while he watches her, his eyes on her back a tangible, palpable weight, and pops a lid on, turning the dial until the flames flicker up from the burner to start heating it to a simmer. 

“I’m going to have hot chocolate the old fashioned way,” She announces, pulling down a bag with some discs of melting chocolate in it. They cost too much and mostly nobody notices the difference, but tonight… tonight, she thinks the extra effort is worth it. “You want whipped cream on yours, when it’s done?”

“Yes, please,” He whispers, and she looks over at him with a small smile. His hair is mussed still from sleep, a hint of red on his cheek where he must have had it pressed into a pillow. His freckles stand out in the thin light of the kitchen’s overhead light fixture. 

Next door, at Miss Ruth’s, a light turns on, and Nat glances through her own window to see it. Jaden, probably - that kid sleeps about as little as Chris does.

“Well, good, because I’m having some, too.” She pauses, leaning her back against the kitchen counter. There’s a long silence that draws out between them. The milk heats, bubbling just the tiniest bit around the edges in the saucepan, and Nat carefully drops in the chocolate discs to melt whisking until the liquid is a rich brown, thickened, ready for her to pour carefully into two mugs and top with the spray-bottle whipped cream she keeps in the fridge.

Nat sets the mugs down on the kitchen table, pulling Chris a chair up right next to hers. He relaxes a little at the tacit, silent request for closeness, drops into his chair with a slight smile playing over his face. He picks up the mug with both hands and takes a sip, getting whipped cream at the end of his nose, wiping it off with a scrunched-up expression that lifts some of the fatigue that dogs Nat’s muscles in the early-morning hours.

“I know the dreams are scary,” Nat says softly, reaching out to lay a hand on his back. He looks over at her, with those giant green eyes in his narrow face, searching for something in her. Maybe just for certainty that the promises she’s made to him will be kept. “But Kauri did come to help you. And you’re safe here, with us. We’ll always come for you, Chris, no matter what.”

He leans over, with slow inevitability, until the top of his head brushes against her neck, his head just at her collarbone. She lets her arm slide around his shoulders, her hand moving to run fingers slowly through his fine, soft coppery hair. “I, I, I forgot how to say no,” He whispers, and presses his head against her. 

“I know, honey. But that’s okay, we get back up and try again, right?” Nat sips her own hot chocolate slowly, and Chris holds his cupped warm in his palms, but even as he keeps taking sips, he doesn’t pull away from her. Eventually, he puts the mug back down on the table and shifts a little, so his ear is just over her heart.

“We, we, we try again,” He whispers. “But, but, but I don’t want to, to, to, I don’t-... want to be, um, to be scared again, to… have someone-”

“I know.” Nat swallows, her throat closing, briefly, but she fights it back and keeps her voice - and her hand through his hair - steady as she speaks. “There are going to be bad people out there, Chris, who want to hurt you. But you’re not alone.”

She thinks again of Daniel, waking from nightmares of gnashing teeth, maybe kicking off blankets and pacing a room, his skin written invisibly with the aftermath of a terror that never punctured skin. She thinks of three men in a fire, dreaming again and again that the fourth never arrived to lead them out of the flames.

She thinks of promises made, and kept. Prayers spoken in desperation, and answered, although so often far too late.

She thinks of the prayers for mercy, in the cold white rooms, that are never heard at all.

She’s tired, but she loves them - all of them, who have passed through her doors and gone on to other places - and she can’t imagine being anything but their army, their defense, the wall they can hide behind to rebuild themselves until they fight on their own. 

Not on their own, though, never really on their own.

She may never know what happened to him, to bring him here to her doorstep - but she knows that he doesn’t have to face the monsters, the flames, the danger alone. Not anymore.

“You’re safe here,” She says, gently, and turns her head to rest her chin on top of his head. “You’re safe here, and loved, and there’s nothing we won’t do to make sure you’re safe. Whatever comes at you, sweetheart, we’ve got you. And we’ll fight it for you, every time, until you can fight for yourself.”

There’s a beat of silence, and then he asks, in a whisper, “Do, do, do you you-you promise?”

“Promise, Chris. Cross my heart and hope-”

“Don’t-... don’t say the, the end of it.” His voice weakens. “Please.”

“Sorry, sweetie.” She tightens the arm around his shoulders a little, and feels him snuggle closer in response, a low sigh of relief at the reassurance in the embrace. “Swear on everything. I’ve got you, and Jake has got you, and we’re not gonna disappear. I don’t-... I don’t know if we can always save the day for you, Chris, but I can promise you that we will always try.”

He hums, eyes closing. One of his hands slides over her stomach, and begins - slight, soft, barely-there - to tap. 

It takes Nat a few seconds to realize that he is tapping along to the beat of her heart.

---

Tagging: @burtlederp, @finder-of-rings, @endless-whump, @whumpfigure, @slaintetowhump, @astrobly  @newandfiguringitout  , @doveotions  , @pretty-face-breaker, @boxboysandotherwhump  , @oops-its-whump  @moose-teeth  , @cubeswhump  , @cupcakes-and-pain  @whump-tr0pes  @whumpiary  @orchidscript, @itallcomesdowntopain

[four-loose-screws]

FE8 Novelization Translation - Chapter 10, Section 2

If you would like to start from the beginning, read a missed part, etc., click here!

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I call this a “section” because it is not a separate part of the chapter in the book, but divided from the rest of the chapter by a scene break.

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Chapter 10: The Secluded Sage (con’t)

Everyone pulled out torches from within the convoy.

Because they did not want to have too much luggage, they’d prepared as few supplies as possible. Their thought was that it would be best to stock up on what they lacked in towns along the way, but that plan had now backfired.

Still, a little was better than nothing. A few soldiers grabbed the torches they had, and were tasked with maintaining a consistent field of vision.

The dim light shone throughout the fort and revealed the disgusting sight of vines snaking up its crumbling walls.

‘If only we had just a few more torches….’ As if someone had read Eirika’s thoughts, a bright light suddenly shone from behind her.

She whirled around in surprise, and was blinded. When she raised a hand over her eyes, she was able to confirm that the light was shining from the tip of Natasha’s staff.

“I apologize for surprising you…”

“Natasha, what is that staff…?”

“I thought maybe it might be helpful… Um, is it perhaps bothering you?”

“No, on the contrary, it’s very useful!”

It was a much appreciated staff that made up completely for their lack of torches. Because Natasha couldn’t go out on the front, it was decided that she would light up the rear line, and the army ventured inside of the fort.

The inside looked exactly as they’d predicted. While it had been originally built to fight against monsters, ironically, now it was a monster den.

Ewan darted around while shouting, “Whoa… it wasn’t like this in here when I explored it at all! It was totally empty and abandoned… How could this have happened in so little time!?”

“Ewan!” Tethys had heard what he was saying and ran up to him. She looked terrified, and grabbed his arm. “What are you doing!? You know it's dangerous to be out this far on the front, right!? Stay with me on the rear line…"

"I’m going to fight! I want to show everyone the magic my teacher taught me!”

“You can’t! It’s still too dangerous!”

“No it’s not! Just watch me, Big Sister!”

“Can’t you hear what I’m telling you? When did you turn into such a bad child? If anything ever happened to you, I…”

Tethys buried her face in her hands, and her shoulders started shaking. Any observer would know that she was faking it, but Ewan took her very seriously. 

He was horrified, and hugged her tightly. “I’m sorry, Big Sister! I understand. I’ll do as you say. I’ll stay on the rear line with you.”

Ewan guarded Tethys, who was still pretending to cry, as they retreated to the rear line.

Eirika was surprised at this unexpected side of Tethys. When she was with Gerik, she seemed so carefree. She didn’t seem like the type to be so concerned about family, but she completely spoiled her little brother.

Gerik saw her expression, and laughed. “You look surprised. Didn’t think she was so kind… did ya?”

“No, that’s not it…”

“You don’t have to be polite. I was taken aback the first time I saw her like this, too. It felt like the woman I’d seen dancing at the bar was a different person. It seems that they lost both of their parents very suddenly, and were living all on their own. Ewan’s all the family she has left.”

“Really?”

The young sister and brother, surviving by protecting one another, had no doubt struggled through a lot together. She must have worked so hard to develop her exceptional dancing skills so that she could raise him. And perhaps he’d decided to study magic at such a young age because he wanted, from the very bottom of his heart, to help out his sister however he could.

Eirika was silent, so Gerik worriedly whispered to her, “Hey, don’t look so sad! Tethys’ll rip me a new one if she figures out that I blabbed about her tragic past! She hates it most of all when people pity her.”

“I understand. I’ll pretend I didn’t hear anything.”

The battle had already begun on the front line. The nauseating and rotten smell of the monsters was all around them, and the monsters’ shrieking cries of death pierced their ears. Eirika and Gerik both withdrew their swords and started slicing up the monsters coming towards them.

The group nesting here at this fort was far stronger than that in the Za’ha Forest. 

This time, even Gargoyles, a pure black, winged creature, was among them. They wielded iron weapons likely stolen from people they’d previously fought with, and attacked at terrifying speeds. 

As Eirika had expected, both Lute and Artur played a huge role in this battle. They rushed around to back up all the soldiers who were having difficulty fighting. The effects of Artur’s light magic were particularly great. He defeated almost all of the monsters he fought with one spell.

“Lady Eirika, I have troubling news!” Franz, who'd been fighting on the front line, rushed up to her in a panic. 

'No… is someone injured?' Eirika wondered, but that was not it.

“There appear to be people inside of this building!”

“People…?”

"Yes. They are blocked off from us by monsters and we cannot get close, but we can hear their voices. They seem to be travelers who lost their way and were then attacked...”

"Understood. Let's make saving them our top priority."

When Eirika went in the direction Franz had told her, she also heard voices.

"Aaaaargh! There's no end to these monsters! What in the world happened to this fort!?"

“Please rest, Lady L’Arachel! I’ll take care of them from here!”

“No, Dozla. I will not be the only one to save myself from this danger! This is yet another trial sent to me by the gods!”

The voices were ones that Eirika did not expect, but remembered hearing before, causing her to stop in her tracks.

They belonged to a very odd lady and her retainer.

‘That’s right, she said she was going to take the land route to Rausten.’ She must have chosen to take the same route through the mountains as Eirika’s army.

L’Arachel sounded annoyed, but also like she still had strength to spare. Eirika and her army followed their voices as they cut down the monsters.

L’Arachel and Dozla were fighting in a small room, though it was more accurate to say that Dozla was the only one in direct combat with the monsters. L’Arachel rushed around behind him, waving her staff around. She seemed to be the same as Natasha, a healer who only knew how to wield staves.

They were one person short, so Eirika couldn’t help but wonder if Rennac had been killed. This made her even more worried, and she shouted out, “Miss L’Arachel! Are you alright!?”

“Oh my, that voice…? Aren’t you the person from the other day? So we meet again! We seem to be bound by fate!”

“Please retreat to a safe place! We’ll take it from here…!”

“Oh, you have no reason to be that worried! We are still on our journey to cast judgement upon all monsters! This lot is no trouble at all! Now see how magnificently we fight!”

“Miss L’Arachel, there are injured people on the rear line. If possible, I’d like you to please use your staff to heal them. They need you.”

Eirika’s plea immediately got through to L’Arachel. She cheered up and rushed straight to the back line, allowing Eirika to fight without worry.

L’Arachel’s companion Dozla was exactly as strong as one would imagine he was at the sight of his hulking body. He swung around a huge battle axe that any normal person would have trouble lifting with ease, and sliced through each and every monster with all his strength. He could even shrug off minor attacks with his muscles of steel, and took little damage from them. He was truly a warrior to be feared. 

The fog slowly thinned out as they fought, so the battle did not go on for long.

L’Arachel played a huge role in caring for the injured. She was a bit rough compared to Natasha, and even yelled at them a few times, but aside from that, her healing abilities were the real deal.

When the battle was over, Eirika sheathed her sword and called over to L’Arachel. “Thank you, Miss L’Arachel.”

“You can just call me L’Arachel… Um…” She tried to call Eirika by name, but cut her words short and tilted her head to the side. “Oh dear, now that I think about it, I haven’t asked you for your name yet. What is it?”

Eirika laughed. It already seemed like L’Arachel was an acquaintance, so it was strange that she didn’t even know her name yet. 

In a case like this, Eirika always used the alias “Eilis the Mercenary,” but she didn’t want to lie to these two, so she didn’t feel the need to do that. “My name is Eirika.”

Seth looked like he wanted to say something, but Eirika cut him off. “It’s okay, Seth. These two aren’t bad people. I don’t think we have to hide anything from them.”

L’Arachel stared straight at Eirika for a moment, then whispered, “I’ve been told that the princess of Renais’ name is Eirika! And that after the palace fell, she fled to Frelia, has been fighting ever since, and…”

“Yes. That is me.”

“Oh my, you’re the princess of Renais!? That is only logical. I knew all along that you were someone very refined. Didn’t you think so too, Dozla?”

“I did indeed think the exact same thing, Lady L’Arachel!”

“It is an honor to meet you! When I heard of another princess like I, traveling to each country while battling the evil rampaging the world, I wanted to meet her at least once!” L’Arachel took Eirika’s hands in her own, and squeezed them tightly.

“N-Not at all. I didn’t necessarily start traveling for that reason…”

“And we even got lost on the same rugged mountain, bringing us even closer together!"

It seemed that L'Arachel hadn't planned to climb the mountain, rather, she'd simply gotten lost. No ordinary person would climb such a steep mountain simply because they'd gone the wrong way.

"No, we didn't get lost. Actually…"

Eirika told her everything that had happened since they split up in Carcino, including Carcino’s betrayal, Pablo's surprise attack, the battle at the previous fort, and the village Ewan had told them about, Caer Pelyn. 

L'Arachel was deeply interested in the story from start to finish, and when Eirika was done talking, she said with conviction, "We were guided to meet here by fate! Please let us go with you, Eirika."

"Huh…?" Eirika had no idea what to say to the enthusiastic L'Arachel, and simply stared at her.

She'd seen L'Arachel and Dozla's abilities in action firsthand during the last battle, leading Eirika to very much want them to lend her their strength. However, they had no connection to neither Renais nor Frelia, and did not seem to be victims of Grado's violence, either. They were different from Eirika and her army, and had no reason to go on a dangerous journey.

L'Arachel noticed Eirika’s sigh, then pleaded passionately, "Please consider it! We're on completely different journeys, yet have met three times already! It is no coincidence! It is our fate to fight together!"

 “But as I just explained to you, Miss L’Arachel, we are being pursued by both the Grado Army, and now Pablo’s men. If you travel with us, I can’t even imagine just how much danger you’ll be put in…”

“Ha, do you think I fear danger? Since the day I decided to devote myself to the extermination of all monsters, I have been ready for anything! No matter how dangerous it is, everything is a trial sent to me by the gods. Helping you is a duty they have bestowed upon me!”

“I… I see…” 

As someone who was not a very devout religious believer, she couldn’t understand what L’Arachel’s excitement was about at all, but it moved Dozla to tears, which he wiped away with his giant fists.

And that is how it was decided that L’Arachel and Dozla would travel with Eirika’s army.

Eirika then asked about something that had concerned her since she first saw them in the fort.

“There was someone else traveling with you, correct? I believe you called him Rennac…”

“Yes. We lost him.” L’Arachel shook her head in disappointment. “He has no sense of direction, so he must have gone down the wrong path. It’s such a shame…”

She was completely blind to the fact that she herself had gotten lost. But knowing that he hadn’t been killed by a monster gave Eirika a sense of relief. “I hope you’ll be able to meet back up with him soon.”

“I really hope so too! It’s very inconvenient not to have him with us. He may be lazy, but because he’s greedy, if there’s a reward in it for him, then he’s excited to do anything. He’s as adept with his hands and as cunning as a thief, so he’s been very helpful to me…”

L’Arachel clearly had no qualms about speaking her mind. Although Eirika felt bad for Rennac, she didn’t feel that L’Arachel meant any harm, so it made her smile. “How do you three all know each other? Dozla seems to be devoted to serving you, but…”

“Yes, you are right. I am actually…”

“Lady L’Arachel!” Dozla placed one of his short fingers on his lips, signaling to her not to tell.

“But I’ve already become allies with Eirika! She is a kindred spirit, fighting to rid the world of evil, and bring peace! I’m sure everything will be fine if I tell her…”

“Do you forget what the bard Saga said? According to him…” Dozla whispered something in her ear.

L’Arachel nodded deeply in agreement. “You’re right. The truth is a secret that I cannot speak of casually, even to my allies… And that is much sweeter in times such as these! Thank you for reminding me, Dozla!”

“‘Tis nothing, Milady!”

“And that’s the situation, Eirika. I am an envoy of justice sent by the gods to exterminate evil, Dozla is my faithful servant, and.... Rennac is a lazy, greedy employee of mine… please accept that for now.”

“I will… I suppose…” She was probably in a position where she did not want to tell anyone. Eirika decided not to question L’Arachel any further.

-

Eirika’s army quickly left the fort, and headed for the sage Saleh’s house.

The remaining path was as steep as it had been the entire way up, but the fog had cleared. They no longer had to worry about not knowing what might be under their feet, so they were able to climb faster than before.

They arrived at Ewan's teacher's house before sunset. It was a simple house hidden among the trees on the mountainside.

Ewan ran in excitedly and slammed the door open without knocking. “Good afternoon, Teacher!” He seemed to always be this energetic, no matter the situation. However, no one answered.

Eirika peeked in from behind him. The only furniture inside was a small desk and a bed. His teacher seemed to live a simple life.

And, as far as she could tell, he had left without locking the door. It was unlikely that any thieves were ever in the area, and even if a bandit did get in, there wasn't a single thing they could take, so there was really no need to do so.

Ewan turned around with a disappointed look on his face. "I think he's out."

"Perhaps he's close by? We can wait here, in case he might come back soon…"

"Hmmmmm… I dunno. He travels a lot."

"He travels a lot!?" Colm exclaimed so loudly that his voice echoed through the house. He continued on, shouting at Ewan, who drooped his head, “We worked our butts off climbing all the way up here, and he’s out on a trip!? Give me a break! You can lead us the rest of the way on your own, right!?”

“I do know the road, but… I won’t be able to convince the people of the village on my own…”

“So we won’t be able to get through to them? Then what are we gonna do? Come back the way we came?”

“I’m sorry…”

“You sure talked big, but you just made a fool of us all! Seriously, after all this, he’s not here…!?”

“Colm!” Neimi nudged him.

While it got him to stop yelling, he still looked very displeased.

Ewan was so sad and dejected that it was nearly impossible not to feel pity for him.

Tethys said kindly to Colm, “I’m so sorry. He was just trying his hardest to help everyone… He’s always been treated like a child, so he wanted to do something all by himself, but instead, he made things more difficult for everyone. I don’t know what to say…”

“No… it’s okay. I didn’t really mean to attack him… Not even a little! I swear! I-I mean, it’s nice to go mountain climbing every once in a while, right?” When the bewitching Tethys apologized to him, Colm completely lost the last of his composure, even forcing a smile that was entirely unlike him.

Neimi still looked sad, so she didn’t seem to notice at all.

Eirika comforted the disheartened Ewan. “It’s too bad, but there’s nothing we can do about it. It wasn’t your fault, so please don’t look so sad. For now, let’s talk to everyone about what we’re going to do next…”

He looked up at her, tears in his eyes. But when his eyes darted past her, he gasped. “Teacher! Yay, you came back!”

“I told you not to come here, remember? I’m usually out.” A man appeared and scolded him in a harsh tone.

Eirika turned around and was so surprised that she couldn’t respond immediately, because she had seen Ewan’s teacher before.

The man did not notice her, instead trying to go around Ewan and enter his house. “I will leave again soon. If you want to master magic, then please find another teacher.”

“Um…”

When Eirika started to talk to him, he turned around with a stern look still on his face. He seemed to remember her as well, as he looked like he was trying to remember something.

“We met before. In the border town Serafew… You were looking for a lost child, if I remember correctly.”

“Yes.”

He seemed to remember now, as he was nodding his head. She wanted to ask him if he’d found the child, but he didn’t seem to be in the mood for casual conversation. 

He was probably still very young, but had a calm composure that did not fit someone of that age. To Eirika’s eyes, used to seeing unusual mages like Lute, he seemed to have a much more mysterious aura, one that most anyone would expect from a mage.

‘So this is the sage Saleh.’ For Innes to have known his name, he must possess such great power that even Frelia’s spies could not ignore gathering intel on him.

But Ewan clung to his teacher. He completely disobeyed what Saleh had told him to do, and said in his same tone as always, “So, uh, um, Teacher! All of these people want to cross the mountain to reach the country on the other side. So I decided to take them to Caer Pelyn! I can get there okay on my own, but I think it would be even better if you were with us!”

Judging by how disappointed Ewan had been before, it hadn’t seemed that he was confident he would be able to guide them the rest of the way. But now, he sounded completely confident in himself. 

Eirika thought that Saleh’s response would confirm he was a grouchy person, but contrary to her expectations, he nodded immediately. “That should be fine. I was about to return there myself. You can all come with me.”

“Really? It’s okay!?” Ewan asked without thinking.

Saleh replied bluntly, “We do not aim to keep outsiders from getting in. People simply do not try to interact with us. However, the sun is already setting. Let’s rest here for the night, then depart once it is light out.”

“He’s right.” Innes nodded. “Everyone is tired. And if a large horde of monsters like the one we just fought appeared, then there would be nothing we could do. It would be best for us to rest and focus on keeping our morale up.”

Everyone followed his suggestion, and it was decided that the soldiers would camp around Saleh’s house for the night.

While the soldiers were setting up their tents, Ewan said, "Should I go ahead and explain everything to the elder? If we suddenly show up with a group this big, we'll probably surprise everyone in the village."

"But it's already getting dark, Ewan…” Eirika tried to stop him, however, the speedy boy had already run off. He turned around once, said, "I'll be fine!" with a wave, and soon disappeared between the trees.

"Grrr, he's so naughty.. !" Tethys was worried, and tried to run after him.

But Saleh said, "Ewan knows these roads very well. You should let him go."

Tethys still looked concerned, so Innes said, "It’s not that I don't understand how much he wants to help. He cannot fight so well on the battlefield yet, so he wants to make up for it in other ways."

Ewan had teased him the entire way up the mountain, putting him in a bad mood the whole time. For him to say that he understood how Ewan felt was unexpected.

But Eirika put herself in Prince Innes shoes and imagined how he felt. He was proud enough for two people, and hated losing. He probably hated the memories of whenever someone took him lightly as a child.

The soldiers had removed their armor, and quickly set up camp. Now, those on cooking duty were making a hot meal, and those who were hungry hovered around the pot. Their grueling climb up the mountain became a funny story, and the entire area was filled with cheerful laughter.

When it came time to sit in a circle around the campfire, as they always did after dinner, everyone was far too tired. They all decided to quickly retire for the night.

-

Eirika’s army set out early the next morning. At almost the exact moment that the sun began to rise, Saleh came out of his house, ready to start moving.

When he saw Eirika's army was still fast asleep, he frowned. The soldiers on guard duty all shook everyone awake in a panic. The commotion also caused Eirika, sleeping in the same tent as Tana, to awaken.

"Wow, mages sure get up really early. Oh, but Lute usually sleeps in. I guess that means there's mages of all types?" Tana grumbled, still sleepy. 

Because Saleh was the one who would guide them to their next destination, they had no choice but to go with him. Everyone was still rubbing sleep out of their eyes when they started following Saleh further up the mountain.

Before they had even made any progress, Colm suddenly yelled, "Hey, something's coming this way! But it's not a pegasus. Its wings sound much stronger than that."

Eirika looked up. She saw three shadows in the sky. "Are they…?"

The shadows gradually became larger and larger, until everyone could tell what they were.

Seth whispered, "Dragons! I can't believe it… They’re imperial dragon knights…”

The knights atop the dragons were undoubtedly dressed in the empire’s colors. They were both more powerful than pegasus knights, and harder to damage. It was likely that they had been flying around the area to search for Eirika’s army. 

They’d decided to climb the mountain to avoid any enemies, but had been found even in a place like this.

The group only seemed to consist of the three knights. No matter how strong they were, it was far too reckless for just three knights alone to take on Eirika’s entire army. It was too difficult for her to judge what their true intentions were, so all she could do was stare at them as they approached her.

The dragons quickly descended. Seth stood in front of Eirika to guard her.

The knight leading the other two jumped down from his mount, then glared at Seth with a stern look on his face.

He was a young man with bright blond hair and a strong, masculine face. 

The moment she could make out his face clearly, Eirika gasped. “General Glen? It is you, isn’t it!? Everyone, I’ve met him in the Grado capital before…!”

The young man nodded lightly, the stern expression still on his face.

She had met him before, however, it was only once during a trip to Grado’s capital city. He sometimes passed by when Eirika and Ephraim were chatting with Prince Lyon, but one day, Lyon called him over, and introduced him to the twins. 

-

Glen had a very serious personality, and it showed in his greeting to them. Ephraim tried to joke with him, but Glen, standing at attention, did not even smile. That amused Ephraim all the more, etching the event into Eirika's memory.

He wasn’t very sociable, but politely answered a few questions she had about dragons. His manner of speaking was very boorish, but within his voice seemed to be hiding a very kind personality, so Eirika liked him.

When Glen left, Lyon whispered a secret to Eirika and Ephraim. “He’s really strong, and works very hard. If I was as tough as him, I’m sure I would enjoy combat training too, but...”

-

When Eirika remembered how Lyon felt about his frail body, she still didn’t know what to say.

Ephraim’s teacher General Duessel had also considered Glen like a son, and praised him as one of the youths who were Grado’s future. At that time, Ephraim was bitter that General Duessel would tell him his spearmanship couldn’t yet compete with Glen’s, and declared Glen his rival. When Ephraim told them he would kill Glen one day in a fit of rage, both Lyon and Eirika found it amusing, and looked at each other and laughed.

When Ephraim said “kill,” he of course actually meant that he would defeat Glen in a duel with set rules. None of them thought that a day would ever come where they must go to war and divide people into allies and enemies.

The feelings of nostalgia were still warm in Eirika’s heart as she looked up at Glen. “I never thought I would meet you here like this...”

“I didn’t want our second meeting to be like this, either. However, His Majesty has ordered it. Eirika, for the crime of massacring Carcino citizens, I must punish you.”

“What…!?” The next words to come out of Glen’s mouth were the last she ever would have expected from him. “I massacred…? What do you mean, I…”

“If you can explain yourself, then I will listen. However, your actions were unjustifiably cruel. You suddenly attacked the port town of Kiris, and slaughtered a great number of the citizens who were desperately trying to escape. You and your army were supposed to be Frelia’s allies! How could you unleash such cruelty upon the people of Carcino, who trusted you!?”

Eirika stared at him, mouth wide open. She didn’t know how to respond to a story that was so completely different from the truth. And he was not making false accusations against her. He really seemed to believe that Eirika’s army had committed a massacre. His chiseled face was twisted in a look of anger and hatred.

The one who answered for the bewildered Eirika was Innes. He chuckled and said, “Don’t be stupid. I thought you were General Glen, one of Grado’s famed Three Imperial Generals. You cannot be this foolish.”

“...What?” Glen furrowed his eyebrows. 

Innes’ tone became even more and more scathing as he continued, “We were the ones betrayed by Carcino. They hired mercenaries to attack us, so we had no choice but to fight back. None of the ordinary citizens should have been harmed. Try investigating on your own before you open your mouth next time! How dare you say something so foolish as Eirika committing a massacre! This was all orchestrated by the Grado Empire, was it not?”

“What did you just say!?”

“Amazing! So you did really believe those idiotic lies! I'm amazed you managed to become one of the Three Imperial Generals…"

“Stop it, Innes!” Eirika finally regained her ability to speak, and scolded him for provoking Glen. She then looked back at Glen, who seemed to be understandably offended. “Sir Glen, what Prince Innes just said is correct. We did not harm the villagers. But if you believe the emperor’s words over ours, then there is nothing we can do. I don’t want to fight because of a misunderstanding like this, however…”

Confusion appeared in Glen’s eyes. His intent to fight vanished entirely, and he became lost in thought.

Eirika waited. Glen was a smart person. She believed that he would surely reconsider everything.

Finally, he opened his mouth. His voice was much softer now. “I understand. You’re right. I don’t know anything about the damage in Carcino. I will come again after I have confirmed what happened. If what you are saying is correct… then what His Majesty told me is a lie. I must ask him what his true motives are.”

“So you believe us?” Eirika breathed a sigh of relief.

Glen looked at her again. He still had a harsh look on his face, but the anger he’d originally showed was gone. “No, this doesn’t mean I believe you. I will simply withhold judgement until I can confirm the truth. If I find out that what you told me is the lie, then prepare yourselves.”

“We will.”

“Sorry for bothering you.” Glen climbed back atop his dragon. 

The other two dragons following behind him also softly spread their wings and flew upwards. Their powerful wings sliced through the sky, and in the blink of an eye, they became tiny specks.

“I can’t believe the emperor would tell such a lie…”

Eirika heard a voice say from beside her. She looked to see who it was, and saw Amelia staring up at the dragons. On her innocent face was an expression full of regret. “Maybe… Pablo was the one who spread the lie, and tricked His Majesty… Yeah! I’m sure that’s what happened!” Amelia said to convince herself, then nodded.

Seeing Amelia like this hurt Eirika’s heart. She may be a member of their army, but she was originally from Grado. Her respect for the emperor was likely to still be very strong. Eirika understood her desire to think there was some sort of misunderstanding.

But Eirika was sure that this wasn’t some plot of Pablo’s, but a path the emperor had chosen for himself. He was the one who’d ordered the sudden invasion of Renais. No matter how horrible his methods became, nothing would surprise Eirika any more.

“Amelia, this actually gives me a sense of relief.” Eirika said.

Amelia looked at her with her mouth wide open. “What… do you mean?”

“General Glen said that he was going to go confirm the truth. So long as there are people like him, then there’s still a possibility that we can talk this through. There’s also the rumor going around that General Duessel is against this war, correct? They’re both central figures to the empire, so everything can still be okay.”

Because the emperor had planned his strategy poorly, he may have actually dug his own grave. Anyone who investigated into the truth could quickly figure out that Eirika and her army had not committed a massacre. Glen was unlikely to trust an emperor that lied to him. If they were able to convince someone like him, who had such a huge influence over the military, there was even a chance that it would mean the beginning of the end of the war.

Amelia’s expression also brightened.

And so, Eirika’s army continued to follow Saleh, beginning to walk even higher up the mountain.

[logically-asexual]

okay i'm already procrastinating and i don't plan on sleeping any time soon so here we go.

☆ ✩ my personal ranking for every season 1 Sanders Sides episode. ✩ ☆

i think it's going to be pretty similar to @dukeofonions' but let's see if i find something new to contribute haha. i see you didn't include that one about Patton in the Big Game or whatever, so i'm not including it either xd. also i think i'm going to count Accepting Anxiety as one episode only.

edit: i finished and now i dare you to drink a shot of water every time i say the word spanish or a version of the word comfort and become very well hydrated.

#16 I'm in a Disney Show

(i agree with dukeofonions here) i always forget this episode exists. it was ok in terms of being happy for real life Thomas but as a Sanders Sides episode it didn't do anything. the sides were just giving their opinions but it wasn't very funny or interesting. also i'm bitter because it made me look up the episode he was in and i didn't like it at all. i don't know if i'm too old for those Disney shows now but Thomas was literally the only good part of it, everything else was really dull and boring imo. a waste of time.

however, Logan supporting clickbait is one of the funniest things ever, and i'll never forget it.

#15 Becoming A Cartoon

i didn't hate this episode but it was just .. meh.. you know? several factors contribute to this. one, i couldn't feel much nostalgia for Butch Hartman's shows because i watched them in Spanish, and everything feels really weird when they speak English, i don't like how my old cartoons sound in English. two, it was disappointing to me because we were all desperately waiting for Plot™ and instead they give us this short episode about nothing (oh how the tables have turned now it's the other way around haha). and three, i didn't like the style of the animation :/ their faces and expressions freaked me out, Roman's douchey face still haunts me.

#14 Way Too Adult

here i'm biased because i don't like Patton much, and i didn't back when i watched the series the first time either, so this video was a little disappointingwithout the rest. also it wasn't relatable to me because i am still too young and dependent on my parents haha. but Patton is funny and it's funny to laugh at Thomas' struggling.

#13 The Dark Side of Disney

i've never been a fan of Disney movies. i actually never watched Mulan or the Lion King or Aladdin as a kid, so meh. i liked the ending, though, it was cool to see Virgil have fun and be right for once. it does make me a bit uncomfortable because the way Thomas tries too hard with Virgil's mouth movements and his low voice reminds me of a guy that had made me v uncomfortable not long before watching that video. so an icky feel overall.

#12 A New Year of Lying to Myself

this video was actually kind of fogettable to me. i had a hard time connecting the voices in the song to the characters and idk. i don't love it nor hate it, just .. neutral.

#11 My True Identity

pretty much the same opinion as dukeofonions, again. it's a good introduction and it's good that it was the beginning of it all but on its own it's not very special. i think it's awesome on Thomas to have come up with such a clever idea, like choosing the dad, the teacher and the prince and putting them together and match them with thoughts?? that fit so perfectly?? it really is just very impressive when you think about it, that it was just a random idea he had for a short 5 minute video.

#10 Taking on Anxiety

i liked this video a lot because when i watched it i had recently been a lot on tumblr, and found out through relatable posts that i had anxiety. so watching this video was really fun and it made me happy to feel so seen, specially the intro when Thomas just talks about what it's like to have Anxiety and Virgil is so smug about it.

- ★ -

okay now that those are out of the way things are going to get hard... all the following i love with all my heart so i'm going to rank them based on the smallest things.

#9 Growing Up

once more, Patton isn't my favorite. so that's why i'm putting this here, plus the echo at the end askjhsahg, but i love love this video. i remember we were waiting and oh so ready for the angst of nobody taking Patton seriously. and we received!! i love that though Roman and Logan are antagonists here, they're both so happy about Thomas wanting to have a healthy life. and i just adore the way Logan admits his mistake at the end and asks Patton directly. my heart... also aw.. the nostalgia. i remember none of us knew how to spell Patton's name and were writing it in very funny ways until Thomas and Joan told us lol.

#8 The Mind vs The Heart

when i watched this video the first times i didn't like it much, because i only had eyes for Virgil, but later i came back to it and loved it. so taking that into account i'm putting it here. logicality was the first ship i ever shipped in the show because i saw a gifset on tumblr of Patton screaming "what do you know about love?!" and Logan "apparently more than YOU" and the caption said "MARRIED", and i thought hey yeah... anyway. i love them. they're both my dads since that day.

this video is so so so relatable and i love it. Logan and Patton are so much fun arguing and i love how they compromise at the end and work together. im reconsidering.. i might move it higher? no, fine i'll leave it here.

#7 Making Some Changes

this video was absolutely hilarious. i personally couldn't see it as the Sides still once they were acted by Thomas' friends, i enjoyed it more as that bunch being silly and trying to be the sides but failing in so many ways, while sometimes nailing stuff suddenly. i really don't take this one too seriously as an episode. except Joan!Logan and Valerie!Logan, my beloved... i love how Joan acted as Logan and their voice and that they kept their ace ring on.. there's a reason i had them as my icon for so long. and Valerie looks a bit (a lot) like me with the glasses and dressed in dark colors, plus she spoke Spanish and there's .. no words to describe the joy i felt when seeing/hearing that. wait i'm getting emotional...

#6 My Personality Q&A

when i watched this Virgil was my favorite side and i didn't care much about the rest lol. when i heard his answers i related to him SO much it was scary, and also his voice is so soft and it was all very comforting. it was also when i first starting looking at Logan with more attention, because when he brought up Big Hero 6 and Fall Out Boy and said he didn't sing and would recite it like a poem? it only took a couple seconds but my brain said "me" and never went back.

now this video is a little underwhelming to watch for me, most of the appeal for me was in finding out the answers, and also watching it when we didn't know a lot about the sides. now we know more and want to know more so it's not as fun to me as it was first.

i wish so bad they'd do another one, although i know it would be more difficult with a much bigger audience, i think they can manage and i just need it. the chaos.. the energy.. they all being so savage with each other, learning little random facts about them you didn't expect.. i need it.

- ★ -

oh boy top 5 here we go. the next three are practically a tie. i can't choose.

#5 Alone on Valentines Day

i love Valerie, and the idea of this video was perfect and so perfectly excecuted. every side just giving their crazy opinions on how to woo a random stranger, i laughed SO much. first with Logan speaking simlish out of nowhere? at that point i didn't know practically anything about the sims except that it was some video game and the whiplash of Logan going AYO and the rest killed me. then when Roman whipped out that dialogue in Spanish??? my life was completed. i've never felt more happy than i did in that moment gosh. just the hilarity of Roman's drama, the shock of them speaking Spanish suddenly like that, the absolute JOY of seeing a creator i like speak (may i say) perfect Spanish, the other characters' faces after that.. never been happier.

also the conclusion was so cute. Virgil solving the whole problem without wanting to. i loved it.

#4 Am I Original

i think this video speaks for itself. it was fun to watch them all do the ideas Roman had, plus Logan and Virgil nodding at each other, (i love them so much), plus the angst at the end of Roman's perfectionism, plus Roman's just perfect name. this video has it all.

i think Thomas posted it kind of late at night and i watched it at 7am in the classroom as i waited for my classmates to arrive and the class to start. (i usually was like 40 minutes early to school due to mom’s work). i had to contain my laughter and it wasn’t easy.

#3 Losing My Motivation

i started loving this video after a while, when Logan passed Virgil in the position for my favorite side. but once he did this episode was beautiful. it's so funny and i love Logan and Patton's dynamic so much. and the video also so damn relatable in general. i felt so seen with it because they named all the problems i have when procrastinating, down to Patton's vague explanation of his feelings, it's exactly how i feel every time i want to do stuff. and the plot twist! i can hear the dramatic sound effect and see how they all turn to Logan clearly in my head, and it always makes me smile. plus there's so much Logan angst that can be dug up and overanalized. i love to watch it over and over.

#2 Accepting Anxiety

this video was perfect. everything we wanted. we knew it was coming and it delivered perfectly, better than any fanfic done in the waiting time. the week between the parts was agonizing but in a fun way somehow. i remember precisely when i was watching part 2 in my living room. i screamed. and i cried, a lot. i was feeling terrible at that time in my life and Thomas was such a comforting presence and i can't begin to describe how this episode made me feel.

and later it is always fun to rewatch with all their different reactions to being in Virgil's room, the energy of that was on point. Thomas is such a great actor and the characters where just amazingly performed. plus it gave so much to talk adn think about, the idea of the rooms, lots lots of insight into the characters, foreshadowing, so much. it's just perfect i have nothing else to say.

#1 (for purely emotional reasons, ironically) My Negative Thinking

i think Accepting Anxiety is the best episode of the season objectively but my favorite is My Negative Thinking. because i love Virgil and Logan so much and seeing them argue together was and is great. the comfort.. i can't repeat that word enough throughout this post. it's such a soft video while not being overwhelming with Patton and Roman's outbursts. just quiet (mostly) and clear and with perfectly timed humour.

Logan my beloved.. learning spanish... helping me with my own anxiety.. and their debate was so good. and the fact that they were friends i- i can't. Virgil didn't think Logan liked him and Logan told him explicitly that he did and the casual softness of it i cant even. Logan is happy that he tried.. it's just marvelous. Virgil and Logan as best friends will always be my favorite pair, and their dynamic will always be what i strive for in any relationship i might form, with both sides silently comforting each other within their own limits and realistic perspectives. so nice.

- ★ -

so yeah. that's all. thank you if you read all the way up to here. ♡ ♡ ♡

[just-call-me-the-intrusive-thot]

Soulmate September - Day 5

Day 5 - Any intense emotions your soulmate feels you will also experience.

Pairing(s): Romantic Logicality, Background Romantic Prinxiety

TWs: Suicide Mention near the end, swearing, talk of death, anger issues perhaps? let me know if I missed anything!

–

Ever since the day he burst into a hysterical giggle fit out of the blue in the middle of his very first recess, Logan Faraday could tell his soulmate would be a handful.

Of course, this initial outburst had already cost Logan any chances of socialising; soulmate or not, it’s hard to convince other children that you’re not crazy when you very suddenly laughed in their face mid sand castle construction. Needless to say, the only upside to that first recess was that he could work on said sand castle by himself. Yes, that was an upside. At least, Logan convinced himself it was.

Logan preferred to keep his emotions rather modest, not initially to save his soulmate from a similar ostracisation as he had suffered, but simply because he preferred it that way. Were there moments that he felt intense emotions regardless? Certainly. For his ninth birthday, his fathers had caved and bought him a telescope, a gift he used to this day despite it’s child-sized inefficiency. At the time it was a fleeting thought, but as he watched the stars while his fathers both pointed out constellations - and occasionally bantered back and forth over any inaccuracies - Logan wondered if his soulmate felt his love and passion for the stars. If they could feel how much the gift had meant to him. The thought was one Logan allowed to slip away at the time, only to receive a feeling of pure joy immediately after. As much as his soulmate’s overly excitable emotions could cause him all kinds of trouble, Logan couldn’t help but hope deep down that his soulmate was so happy because he was happy. 

Logan went to sleep that night feeling like a bright newborn star…

-

Years of spontaneous happiness and excitement was something Logan was used to; sudden, unstoppable sadness was not. 

“Logan?”, his science teacher had inquired concernedly, “Is everything alright?”

Logan hadn’t realised he was crying profusely until he looked down at his notebook to be greeted by a wet splatter causing his notes to spread out in a blue flower of sorrow. He wiped at his eyes initially, ignoring the awful sad feeling in his chest, spouting a near monotone, “I’m fine.”, though the tears didn’t stop. Out of the corner of his quickly blurring sight, Logan could see his classmates talking. Whispering among themselves. About the situation. About him. 

His teacher hadn’t needed to ask again before Logan packed his bag, simply offering, “Actually I feel rather unwell. I’ll go to the nurses office. Excuse me.”, before he all but ran out of his classroom. 

Why? Why couldn’t his soulmate stop crying!?

Logan made a beeline for the nearest bathroom, locking himself in a stall to let his soulmate’s emotions pour out their sorrows in peace. Unwavering sadness, a cocktail of fear and helplessness stirred in there too for good measure. If Logan had felt more empathetic at the time, he’d have tried to understand his soulmate’s obvious distress. But he was only a teenager. A stupid, angry, hormone-addled teenager with more frustration than sense who lashed out instead. Why didn’t his soulmate understand what they were putting him through?! Why couldn’t they just stop making him embarrass himself?! Didn’t they understand how he felt?!

“WHY CAN’T YOU STOP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE THIS?!”, Logan yelled as he kicked at the stall walls and doors in frustration as the tears just kept coming. In fact, they seemed to worsen the angrier Logan got until he was a sobbing mess on the dirty bathroom floor. With no signs of the tears stopping, Logan wrenched his notebook out of his bag, flipping to the last page and scrawling out a quick note before he would leave to go be sent home by the nurse,

“Ask Soulmate About:

April 13th 20XX: debilitating sadness, unstoppable crying, demand explanation”

Logan never told his parents exactly why he was home early, brushing off his fathers’ concern with a simple, “I felt unwell and couldn’t focus”, as he ascended the stairs to his room to spend the rest of the night stargazing, hoping to drive away his earlier outburst. Instead, Logan felt overwhelming guilt. His soulmate was bawling their heart out and he’d answered them with anger. Irrational, illogical, rage that they didn’t deserve. Now Logan felt nothing from his soulmate as he lay in his bed and wished - oh how he wished - he could’ve relived the day just so he could properly comfort his soulmate instead of lashing out at them like a snarling animal. But he couldn’t. And he’d have to live with that forever. 

Logan went to sleep that night feeling like a monster…

-

Over the next three years, Logan had slowly become convinced that his soulmate was dead. He had heard rumours; people who found out their soulmate had died some time after they had stopped feeling anything from them. The thought was terrifying to Logan. Outwardly, he tried not to let the thought consume him; people die every day, they come and go, and no one has control over the how or when. There were times when Logan was sure he felt something. Just the tiniest twinge of an emotion, but the feeling would be gone so fast, he was sure he was just imagining things. By the time he turned 18, Logan had accepted that his soulmate must have died. And the last thing they’d potentially felt from Logan was his seething anger and resentment. 

What a goddamn fool he had been.

At nineteen, Logan had been accepted into his top choice college and quickly began establishing a routine; he’d wake up at 6 am, ignore his roommate, Roman, loudly announcing his love for his soulmate to the mirror, walk across campus to his classes, have lunch with classmates, then return to his dormitory where he would indulge in either more studying or the occasional movie or game night with Roman. It kept his mind focused and allowed very little time for him to dwell on unpleasant thoughts. 

Expectedly, his routine was shattered to pieces. Knowing Roman’s need to be spontaneous, he hadn’t expected it to take three months, but oh well.

“Let me get this straight-”

“Good luck with that!”, Roman had finger gunned back at Logan, who rubbed his temples like they could smooth out the stress that was building up by the second, “Let me be sure I understand you.”, he rephrased through gritted teeth, “You decided that, without my knowledge and completely throwing out any semblance of social etiquette, that you would not only invite your soulmate-”

“Boyfriend.”, Roman corrected, preferring that label for some reason. Logan rolled his eyes annoyedly.

“Your boyfriend, to come over and join in our game and or movie night and are just now telling me that I will simply have to, as you put it, ‘deal with it’?”

Logan watched Roman nervously rub the side of his neck, “Well, kind of.”

“Kind of? In what way has this ridiculous arrangement of yours changed to further inconvenience me?”, Logan snapped a little too viciously before he could catch himself. Roman was ready to answer him when a knock arrived at the door. Perhaps it was spite, perhaps it was to let the unwelcome guest know just how much he was intruding on Logan’s routine - though to be honest, Virgil was actually rather pleasant - either way, the enraged man stormed over to the door and hauled it open, “Greetings, make yourself-”

The words died in his throat.

The man standing at the door definitely wasn’t Virgil. Strawberry blonde hair, slightly sunkissed skin, round silver framed glasses, a baby blue polo and tan shorts… definitely not Virgil. Logan stared for probably a little too long before the young man spoke up,

“Um, are you okay? Logan, right? Virgil and Roman have told me about you!”, he held out a hand to shake Logan’s, his smile blinding, “I’m Patton!”

Logan ignored the tiny phantom emotion that poked at his soul and opted to step aside and let Patton in, “It’s nice to meet you, Patton. I apologise for my…. Aggressive demeanor.”, he admitted, ignoring Roman’s guilty glance to ask, “I was informed Virgil would be joining us?”

“Oh! He’ll be a little late,”, Patton sheepishly explained, “He’s uh, he’s still picking out a shirt to wear.”

Roman seemed all too eager as he valiantly proclaimed, “Then I shall go forth to my dark and stormy knight, and help him pick one out! Logan, be a good host for our dear friend Patton!”

Before either of the two could protest, Roman took off down the hallway. Logan sighed, “Please, make yourself at home, Patton. It may be up to an hour before they’re done.”

“An hour to pick a shirt?”, Patton looked so confused. Logan clapped a hand to his mouth. Oh this poor sweet innocent bean. He wasn’t sure what to do, but he needn’t have bothered as it appeared it had finally sunken in. “OH.” Patton flushed bright red, sitting on the sofa, mortified. Logan was stifling a chuckle so hard, he almost missed the foreign feeling of embarrassment growing within him. On a reflex, Logan tried to will the feeling away. His soulmate was dead, it must be his own embarrassment, therefore. It persisted for a moment until Logan was wrenched from his inner struggle by Patton, “Are you alright, Logan?”.

Ah, that’s right. He had company. Logan nodded and sat down next to Patton on the sofa. He would have sat on his own but he felt awkward doing so when it was just he and Patton alone. He didn’t want Pat to feel like he was avoiding him.

“I’m fine, Patton. Would you like me to play something on netflix?”, he offered, picking up the remote. 

Patton grinned mischievously, clearly about to make an awful joke. “Logan, are you asking me to netflix an-” “NO-!”, Logan’s face burned bright red, but he quickly rushed to reassure Patton as the shorter  man recoiled, “No, I mean, I’m not attempting to ‘netflix and chill’ with you. I’m-”

Patton stopped him, his expression unreadable for a second, “It’s alright! I understand, it was just a joke, I promise!”. Logan nodded, trying to power through the intense attraction he had begun to feel. It felt so odd being able to feel an emotion so strongly without his soulmate. Or perhaps…. Was he wrong? Had he been wrong the whole time? No. No, how could someone suppress intense emotions for almost three years now? He needed to stop betting against his logic just because an attractive man was staring at him.

…. Why was Patton staring at him?

“..... Do I have something on my face, Patton?”, Logan questioned. 

Patton bit his lip worriedly at first; apparently mulling over what he was going to say first, “This uh, might be a little bit personal to ask so soon, but...”, he paused, fiddling with his shirt, “Have you found your soulmate yet?”

Ah. Logan hadn’t anticipated that question, but he wasn’t surprised by it either. He eyed Patton for a moment, unsure as to whether he wanted to be fully honest with him. For some reason, Logan felt he could confide in Patton. 

“No. I haven’t. If I’m being entirely honest, I have reason to believe they may have...”, a deep breath, “...passed.”

The sorrow in Patton’s gaze could’ve put Logan in the ground with his soulmate. Such beautiful eyes shouldn’t be tainted by mourning. Before Logan could apologise, Patton took a sharp breath, meeting his gaze somewhat guiltily, “I… How can you be sure? Do you think...possibly... your soulmate might be alive?”. The insistence in Patton’s tone had Logan hoping he was right. Four years of convincing himself his soulmate was gone for good wouldn’t leave immediately, but for Patton, he wanted to indulge the idea.

“If they are, I owe them a rather lengthy apology.”

The young man in front of him tilted his head in confusion which prompted Logan to continue, he’d told him so much already, why not open up some more? “My soulmate was- is,”, he corrected, earning a petit smile of encouragement from Patton, “rather a happy soul. They’d burst into figurative fits of laughter and joy almost daily. As a result, I never made many friends. The other children found it bizarre, they treated me like an anomaly.”

He took a deep breath in. It took a second for Logan to take note of Patton’s hand resting over his; to encourage him, surely, nothing more… “I never paid my outcast status much heed, I..”

Patton leant slowly closer and Logan felt it again; that psychosomatic feeling of intense adoration. Or perhaps… “... I never realised how lonely I felt.”, Logan continued quietly, acutely aware of the emotions spreading within his chest as Patton’s fingers intertwined with his own, “Genuinely, I never thought about it, I was so content to just enjoy my happiest times for what they were. The first time I felt true happiness, I lay in my bed and I hoped. I hoped my soulmate could feel how happy I was, and I felt them.”. Logan was hit with a wave of overwhelming fondness mixing with his nerves. Patton looked so, so happy, but..

“... Then, I ruined everything.”, Logan continued somberly, attempting to slip his hand from Patton’s hold, but instead Patton held firm, anxious and eager to know what happened it seemed. “A few years after, I was sitting in science class when my soulmate felt this…. This unimaginable sadness. I couldn’t contain my tears, and no matter where I looked, my classmates were staring at me. Like I was even more of an oddity than they already thought me to be.”. While the feeling of deep affection flowered within his chest, Logan felt that same sadness sewing its seeds among the roots. Of all the times to potentially feel his soulmate’s emotions once more, that was the one thing Logan had never, ever, wanted to feel again.

“I lashed out, alone in the school’s bathroom.“, his hand slid free of Patton’s before the shorter man could react, threading itself in Logan’s dark hair as his anxiety grew, “I allowed my anger to warp my emotions and I lost control. My soulmate was-!”, his breathing hitched, “They were hurting! They were in pain, Patton! But I spent so long in that stall just, yelling such awful things-!”

As if he couldn’t further relive that same trauma, Logan hadn’t realised he was crying until Patton gently caressed the tears from his cheeks. He softly murmured, “It’s okay, keep going. Please. I think… I may need to hear this...”

Logan found that the words wouldn’t come. Perhaps he’d known since he laid eyes on Patton but was just so deep in denial that he convinced himself he couldn’t be so lucky. Perhaps he’d put it together when Patton’s reactions aligned with his twinges of emotion, but didn’t want to believe that he was facing the soulmate he’d so callously lashed out at in his time of need, and treated as though he had passed on to make himself feel better. Either way, Logan could no longer run from the facts; just looking into Patton’s beautiful eyes, those honey gold galaxies that complimented the deep cerulean of Logan’s own, he knew that Pat had already worked it out. With their close proximity, Logan rested his head on Patton’s shoulder, murmuring barely above a whisper,

“...Why?”, Logan’s dulcet tone came in softly, “Why were you crying that day? April 13th, almost four years ago...”

Patton’s voice was as gentle on his ears as his fingers threading through his hair, even as it sounded like his heart was breaking, “My cousin tried to kill themself.” Logan felt his heart shatter for good this time. He could barely stop his arms wrapping firmly around Patton as he reassured him. Reassured him. Like Logan had any right to be the one who needed comfort. “It’s alright, Logan, they’re okay! They’re fine now, but it was… I was really scared back then. I was the only one home at the time.”. Patton took a breath, “Like I said, they’re alright now. They’re married and everything-”

“I’m so sorry.”, Logan couldn’t hear it. No, he wouldn’t hear it. Patton was banned from reassuring him when Logan should be begging for Patton’s forgiveness instead. “You …. You needed me. And I repaid your cry for help with such anger. You were hurting, Patton!”, his hands gently held Patton’s soft cheeks in their palms, “You were hurting-! And I-!”

“You couldn’t have known, Logan-”

“I knew enough! I knew you were in pain, for goodness sakes, Patton, I could feel it! I couldn’t stop crying for almost a full hour! I felt the same fear and sorrow you felt, but I-!”

Patton gently pressed his delicate fingertips to Logan’s lips.

“And I repaid your attempt to apologise with spite.” 

Met with a confused expression, Patton continued, “I… Your anger did hurt me. I won’t lie to you, I could never lie to you. But I was so hurt, by the time I could feel your guilt, I… I’d resigned myself to stop feeling intense emotions ever again.”. The sad smile Patton presented made Logan wish magic existed, just so he could banish anything that made Patton sad to the dark recesses of space forever. 

“At first, it really was just... sheer spite. You weren’t the only hormonal teenage disaster, Logan.”

The curt laugh that dragged itself out of Logan was so jarring, he himself didn’t know where it had come from, but Patton was just so happy that he felt comfortable enough to do so, continuing on, “I was only going to stop for a week at most really, but I got too inside my own head. Maybe I am a burden. Maybe I am just causing him trouble with all my emotions. Maybe I should stop causing trouble and being such a nuisance. But if I’d-... If I’d known you thought that I was dead-! That you thought all this time you were alone I-”

Logan didn’t let him finish. Gently silencing Patton with a soft tap of fingertips to lips so soft they felt how Logan imagined an angel’s would feel, Logan softly leant forward to press his own lips to Patton’s. While Logan knew nothing he did could truly make up for the pain he caused Patton, the very least he could do was show that he very much needed no apologies from his soulmate. 

Their kiss was shorter than either would have liked - due to the interruption of their roommates walking in to find them lost in the moment - but Logan couldn’t say it wasn’t as perfect as he’d hoped it could be. 

Hours later, as another game night drew to a close with both Virgil and Patton spending the night with their respective soulmates, Logan held Patton closer as the shorter man curled into Logan’s body heat. 

As he brushed a loving hand through beautiful strawberry blonde curls and admired the sleeping face of the young man in his arms, Logan went to sleep that night feeling happier than he had in years..

------------

I’m ready for people to stab me for this one lmao.. @tsshipmonth2020

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