#and i dont want to inform myself on what went down | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nhularin · 10 months

Text

TUMBLR.COM

⋆｡𖦹°‧★ TWO: nikiwiki

SYNOPSIS being a writer is hard, especially when you're a hardcore stan on tumblr.com. so when the legendary niki writer disappeared out of the blue, the readers were naturally heartbroken! but! what happens when their beloved nishirikithinker got revealed as THE yn of the hot new girl group?!

YOU FOUND YOURSELF sitting in a room that felt far too intimidating for your comfort. your heart raced with anxiety as you glanced at the stern faces of everyone present: bang pd,manager hwang (who had that weird look on his face that you've only seen once when he had to pull sullyoon away from minji) enhypens manager and the PR team. and there, amidst them all, niki, who had the same look of terror on your face

"thank you for joining us today," bang sihyuk began, his voice carrying a serious tone. "i think we all know why we're here today?"

you sat up straight, taking a deep breath to steady your nerves "I assure you all, mr. bang. yes, there was a time when I wrote fanfiction about niki sunbaenim, but I abandoned that account as soon as i got accepted as a trainee."

you paused "I didn't want anything distracting from my dedication to my dream. writing was a hobby, a way to express my admiration. but I knew it was important to fully commit myself as an artist and a member of my group once I became a trainee. i am truly sorry to cause this mess" you stood up and bowed to the people in the room, showing your utmost sincerity

the PR team exchanged doubtful glances, while niki leaned forward slightly, a grin on his face "i support you, my fangirl" he whispered cheekily, only audible to your ears, in which you only kicked him under the table

the managers, recognizing the honesty of your words, stepped forward to present a plan to address the scandal. "we will work swiftly to clarify the situation and minimize any damage to your reputation and the image of your group," they assured with determination.

bang sihyuk nodded, taking a moment to absorb the information. "your commitment to your career is admirable. we will stand by you and protect your image, as part of our family. we will try our best to calm the situation down."

relief surged through you, the weight on your shoulders lessened, knowing that it all went well

leaving that meeting, you were left with the boy who you used to spend all of your attention to. you hated it, you absolutely hated it. "so" he started "i read your stuff"

"please stop talking" you were now on the floor, face buried in your hands and cheeks burning red. "its my darkest secret so dont you dare tell anyone that information, got it?" you utter with your best death glare

he laughed, ruffling his blonde-black hair before putting his cap on "youre cute when you're mad, did you know that?"

you were speechless, was he flirting with you? did he know about your love for jungwon, his band member? did years of one sided fan love finally get reciprocated? was he plotting your downfall?

before you could object his statement, he spoke "well, see you around, fangirl!"

what a jerk. what an annoyingly handsome jerk

prev <- MASTERLIST -> next

A/N THIS SUCKS IM SORRY😭 i tried my best but it just sounds....!!! also not proofread

TAGLIST open! @neighborhae @cha3w0n-hearts @misokei @avocarua @sayescomfortplace @luvistqrzzz @he4rtsforjihoon @jmluvclub @porcelain-moths @wonqr @hyhees @kjrcrz @ilurvriki @luvrgirlkumi @suvgs @cha0thicpisces @mitsukifilms @saintriots @wqsty @ggggghost @backintomykpopphaseagain @eumppattv @tiissuebox-blog @miko1ly @lunavixia @iiraluv @byunrieu @leep0ems @mrchweeee @sngvhs @sobun1est @luvkpopp @arizejkt19 @hannahhbahng @yuemvi @xiaoderrrr @nshrkilvbt @wiltspring @schniti-is-in-the-house @cosmicwintr @flwrshee @tya0 @ocyeanicc @firesunflames @stariqwon @gweoriz @lucyinthesky-00 @piastrigate @wstarqi @schniti-is-in-the-house @j-wyoung

225 notes · View notes

mrghostrat · 5 months

Text

i was hoping to stream this afternoon but i woke with my shoulders hurting so bad that i have absolutely zero capacity for anything. to the point where i experienced my first autistic rumbles in the supermarket 🥸 but i have adhd meds now so maybe we can try tomorrow.

zita's suspected i'm on the spectrum for a little while now, but i've always been on the fence about it. there's a lot i don't relate to. but most of that is bc i have so much learned behaviour, and i mask really well. when i try to break down how i think for autism diagnostic quizzes, my gut reactions DO fit the bill, but they are so so so buried under 30 years of life experience that feels like it comes naturally.

but i am an introvert. an extreme introvert. even while living alone with my best friend, who i get on perfectly with and feel zero need to mask around, i still need to excuse myself and be left alone in my room from 10pm at LEAST.

so i only really unmask when i'm dead alone. even though i dont feel like i'm putting up any kind of front around of zita, i still do, automatically. the only time i see myself completely bare is when i'm alone and it's silent and there is absolutely nothing challenging my comfort.

sooooo hoooooo boy waking up in pain, with zero capacity to even finish a thought, still empty of ADHD medication because of the fuckin manufacturing shortage (thankfully today's trip into town was to finally pick some up! but that wasn't until noon), i got to see a side of myself i don't know if i've ever actually seen before? maybe as a kid but i can't remember specifically that far back?

i've been short tempered and overwhelmed and exposed to sensory nightmares whilst home alone before, but it's usually so quick bc i'm at HOME and i can adjust the situation and i never think much of it. i felt like a bluescreen at that supermarket today, popping in for less than 10 things across 3 aisles.

it was so busy. there were so many people. i felt dread just to walk through it, so aware of my own body and the space i had to inhabit. but par for the course so far. what was less par for the course was having to stop and look at my list every 3 steps, unable to put together a course of action in my head: chicken is on the far left, so we grab that first and get broccoli on our way to the soup aisle. but the broccoli is right there. do i grab that first, go get the chicken, but then double back from where i just came? i might get myself some bananas too, how do i fit that into my path—

i had to keep stopping and looking at my list because every item i thought of made me forget the previous one i just looked at. eventually got fed up with myself and went to the closest thing and started there, regardless of whether i'd have to double back or not. that's what trips me when i take these quizzes n shit. i can get over the hump and do the task in the end, so that must mean i'm totally allistic! no autism here.

i remember thinking "jesus christ this is bad" when i was on my way to get zita's soup (if you've read this far, thank you and kisses to you, pls send some loving vibes to zita by reading her fic i just reblogged, bc she's got a cold and is miserable today) so i was kinda aware i was having a bad sensory day. as expected: there were a lot of people there, and i was in pain. but i just short circuited looking at soup. zita gave me the brand name and soup type of 3 cans she wanted. and i went to the aisle i've been to a thousand times, found the brand, and just stared. it was all stew. all chunky brothy things with bits in. not a single creamy soup in sight, so, the soup must be somewhere else.

i came to that conclusion immediately but i couldn't. process it? or like, what to do with that information. the soup is somewhere else. OR IS IT? keep looking at this shelf to make sure, your eyes are tired, you might've missed it. there's like 20 different cans of campbells here, just keep reading them left to right until soup appears. still no soup? read them again, you might've missed it. maybe campbell's is out of soup? read every other brand here until you Don't see soup, then you can walk away and try somewhere else. but if you don't see any soup, read it again because you might've missed it.

thankfully it took all of 30 fuckin seconds for a store employee who was shelving next to me to see my glazed fuckin stare and ask if i needed a hand with anything. and i stammered through some "haha my silly eyes today!! haha thanks! sorry, thank you!" as she happily pointed like 3 metres down the aisle for me, while my internal monologue immediately raged like "wtf why would they put the soup that far away but also barely far away at all, what's the point, bad design 😡"

got soup. check list: packet of gravy. zita told me the gravy was in the same section as the soup. it was not. i walked up and down that aisle five times and there was no gravy. i just. i had completely forgotten how to problem solve. it was the strangest, most frustrating experience. like i was looking at an empty word document in my brain, with a little flashing cursor and everything, so i knew it hadn't frozen over. it was just empty.

i even had the thought "just walk up and down the aisles until you find gravy; you have to do this all the time" and even had ideas of which aisles to start with. but my brain said no. we're not going to walk around aimlessly, even if we have a neat little structure and path to follow. we were told (by myself, too) this would be a quick in out trip, pluck the known items off the shelf and beeline straight for the checkout. so meandering down aisles was for some reason non negotiable. i wasn't in a rush. i had nothing to do today. i barely even felt a rush to get out of there, as busy as it was. it just wasn't an option.

so rather than start solving that problem i just jumped to the next thing on the list. strepsils. text to ask what kind she wants, have a whine about my broken brain, ask if she knows where the gravy is. remember when i pass the hair brushes that i broke my hairbrush this morning and need a new one!! oh and i've been wanting new hairclips too. look at me picking a new hairbrush and poking through the hairclips for one that i know will feel comfortable against my scalp, i'm not autistic because i can change my plans and make decisions on the fly.

oops didn't mean for this post to be an entire play by play of my thoughts through this extremely bland grocery shop. i cannot believe how long i stood there choosing soup. the line at the self checkout was so long and i felt the dread kick up again. barely/silently whispered "oh god" to myself when i realised the line, but repeated it about 20 times to feel the tap of my tongue against the roof of my mouth before i realised i was doing it. stop that, don't mutter to yourself. but i'm standing still in a line and there's nothing left to (ineffectually) problem solve, so the second i stop i notice a weird little slice in the plastic around the trolley handle that i can't stop flicking my thumbnail against.

OK. we need to stim. heard, chef. just click your piercing ffs. your mouth might look weird when you do it but at least everyone can see you're just clicking your teeth against your piercing, rather than talking to yourself or damaging public property.

something made a noise, can't even remember if it was a child or a trolley or what, some loud sharp single high pitched screech a few metres away, and i jolted so hard i thought i felt like i was going to throw up. finally think, fucking hell i'm autistic today. my back hurts. which is making my head hurt. i want to go home and take my vyvanse.

#ghost scribbles #autism #extremely long unimportant recount of my day #but it was quite cathartic to write #feeling very vulnerable and tired now ufgh

80 notes · View notes

twisted-turtels · 4 months

Text

Crossed Paths (Pt.1)

Farleigh Start x black!fem!oc

Author’s note: this is so random of me. Welcome to my new fixation, Farleigh Start from Saltburn. I wonder how long this story will last lol.

969 words is crazy i dont even write this much for my classes lol. it takes me days to get to 1000 words.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4

Crossed Paths

“Mama, there is no need to worry about me. You don’t trust me?” Jordan says. “It’s not that I don’t trust you. I don't trust the rest of the world. You're my baby, and you’re leaving me. Going all the way across the world!” Monica, Jordan’s mom, exclaims.

“Ma, you know this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I have never left this country, and I get the chance to study at one of the oldest and most prestigious universities for free! There’s nothing to worry about,” Jordan explains, “Listen, I’m about to pull up to my apartment, or shall I say ‘flat’ as the Englishmen describe it. I’ll talk to you later. Goodnighhhht.”

“Goodnight, baby, I love you. Don’t go crazy over there now!” Monica hangs up.

Jordan gets out of her taxi and takes in her surroundings. University of Oxford, I can’t believe I made it. Jordan clumsily gathers her luggage from the taxi (It’s a lot of stuff) and walks towards the entrance to her accommodation. As she struggles to make sure none of her luggage falls, she accidentally bumps into a tall figure.

“Fuck.”

“Oh shit, I am so sorry!” Jordan looks up and exclaims. She sees a tall, pretty, light-skinned man staring down at his now-stained shirt. He’s black, she thinks. “Yes, and so is my shirt,” the man says sarcastically. “Oh, I did not realize I said that out loud. I’m sorry again. I’m kind of struggling, and I guess I wasn't paying-” she tries to explain, “You’re American?” the man interrupts. “Um, yeah, I just got in today, if you can’t tell. I’m here for an exchange program,” she continued. “Not many of us here. Listen, don’t worry about the shirt. I hope to see you around, but I gotta be somewhere soon,” the man quickly says and walks off.

“For sure,” Jordan trails off, saying before she looks at her bags, I guess I will take this up myself. “Ugh!” she groans.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jordan sits in her flat and looks at the now unpacked space. I did a great job. I think I'm gonna put a Texas flag on my wall, too. She slumps down on the couch and looks at the flyer on her coffee table. ‘Undergraduate Social! 5 PM,’ it reads. “I guess I can attempt to socialize,” Jordan looks down at her watch, “One hour to get ready, but I don’t have to be there at exactly 5 pm though,” Jordan thinks aloud. I wonder if I’ll see the man from earlier?

After freshening up, Jordan gathered her keys and wallet and went to the social. She entered the student union and noticed it bustling with students and professors. While looking around, she subconsciously looks for the man she met earlier. Not many black students, she notes. She takes the time to go up to different organization tables and gather information. As she moves from table to table, she feels a delicate hand tap her shoulder. Jordan turns around and notices a blonde girl standing in front of her.

“Hello!” the blonde girl exclaims.

“Hello?” Jordan questions.

“Sorry for the abruptness, but I just wanted to introduce myself. You seemed lost. My name is Venetia, and I wanted to ask, are you American?”

“Uh yeah, I am. I’m from Texas, actually.” Jordan explains.

“That’s really cool. There aren't many Americans here. I do know another one, though, who just happens to be my cousin. Would you like to meet him?”

I do need friends, so it wouldn't hurt.

“I don’t mind that at all. Lead the way. Also, my name is Jordan, by the way.”

“What a lovely name. Follow me!” Venetia instructs.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

“Boys, I would like you to meet Jordan! She’s American just like you, Farleigh!” Venetia exclaims

Jordan stares at the tall man. “Oh, we’ve met Vee. She’s the one who spilled tea on my shirt.” Farleigh explains with a stoic look on his face.

Jordan stares at her feet sheepishly, “Yeah, really sorry about that.”

Farleigh stared the girl down until he smirked, “I’m just playing; it wasn’t a big deal. It's nice to put a pretty name to a pretty face, though.”

He just called me pretty.

“Ignore Farleigh, he’s a little jokester. Aren’t you cousin?” Venetia teasingly asks as Farleigh rolls his eyes. “Anyway, this is my brother, Felix,” Venetia gestures to another tall, handsome man. Are all British men above 6 feet and handsome?

“Hello. Sorry for my sister practically dragging you over here,” Felix jokes.

“I did not drag her over here!” Venetia exclaims

“Haha, it’s okay. I need to put myself out there more honestly, don’t want to be alone during my time here.” Jordan reassures.

“How about I get your phone number?” Farleigh blurts out, he then corrects himself, “ How about we all get your number so we can continue hanging out more? Obviously, I don’t want to be the only American in the group.”

“I thought you would never ask,” Jordan pulls out her phone to notice it’s dead, “Oops, phone is dead. Let me just write it down.” There is no paper. “Can I see your hand?” Jordan asks Farleigh while taking out a pen. Jordan softly holds Farleigh’s hand and writes down her number, “You can pass this on to the rest of them,” Jordan smiles at Farleigh.

“It was really nice meeting y'all, but I have to get ready for the first day, so I’ll see y'all later,” Jordan waves and walks off.

Oh my god, when did I get so bold?

The group looks at each other in astonishment as Jordan walks away. “Ooh, Farleigh, she gave you her number,” Venetia teases. “She gave it to all of us,” Farleigh defends himself.

“She says y’all,” Felix points out. “That’s so Texas of her.” He jokes.

#saltburn imagine #farleigh start #felix catton #venetia catton #oliver quick #farleigh imagine #farleigh x reader #farleigh start x reader

62 notes · View notes

carnivalcarriondiscarded · 9 months

Text

hm ok so for a while i was thinking that Wally, for the most part, only perceives reality as "Home", the neighborhood. that's his entire world, it's all he knows

but then i slapped myself and went wait. the Live Interview. Wally has been outside of Home, and has interacted with humans (presuming that the interview did actually happen, of course). and through Wally's interactions - or rather, attempt at interactions with Us, the QA, and the WHRP, it can be strongly assumed that he knows that there's an Elsewhere. there are places outside of Home. maybe he doesn't quite understand that there's another reality of sorts, but there's no way he's unaware that there's more than just the neighborhood out there

(and then of course there's the fact that Clown has said that humans are deeply involved (not a direct quote, im paraphrasing) in Welcome Home. maybe Wally interacted with them / regularly interacted with them. there could have been an adjustment period after he gained consciousness where humans helped him learn how to walk/talk/fine motor skills - this could be why he has such a seemingly inherent / desperate trust in Us & the WHRP & the QA... humans made him and cared for him. it's possible he could view them as a sort of higher power to trust & have faith in

& maybe he's been off-set or could go off-set. i mean, the houses' rooms were all different sets - the buildings themselves were empty husks, right? who's to say Wally wouldn't physically walk to the individual set pieces whenever he went over to someone's house (but then that leads me into speculation on how the puppets' consciousness works and how multiple copies of them could co-exist and wondering which is the - im getting off track. but there's all of that and then the two part "you're okay!" art pieces of Wally & Eddie, which are technically canon - dont quote me on that - and that's Another ramble/theory post i could go on about & have strong feelings on. Anyway!)

"but wait," i hear someone protest, "what about Barnaby? he was in the Live Interview too"

but was he? was he really? was that Barnaby, or was that a person in a suit playing the character Barnaby B. Beagle? i mean, if it was Barnaby, there had to be some memory fuckery going on that prevented him from either fully comprehending/realizing the situation, or just made him forget as soon as it was over.

and actually wait, Wally has to be aware of the reality discrepancy. because it was certainly him in the Interview as himself. He had to have understood on some level that either that wasn't really Barnaby, or that Barnaby wouldn't remember the interview.

(there's a connection in my head between all of this & how he would view an apple pie. "it isn't the same anymore. something's different". but i can't pin it down for the life of me.)

and with the Talking Telephone calls, Wally explicitly tells Us that he's not going to tell anyone who was behind the calls. i remember listening to the "original" prank call audio tests, which while were very similar to the canon in-website ones, have a few changes. one of which was Wally - in the tests - saying that the others weren't ready to meet Us yet. now in canon that tidbit has been swapped out for "You have to go too. You have work to do" but i think it's still implied through Wally's purposeful withholding-of-information that he doesn't think the others are ready to know. or he straight up doesn't want them to know

i mean, one little theory i previously had is that Wally wants them all to catch on to the nature of their reality and situation, but he doesn't want to - or Can't - tell them outright. they have to figure it out. and that can't was either something keeping him quiet, or because if they learned too soon / inorganically, their little puppet heads would pop into confetti like Red Guy's in dhmis 4

However my views have Changed and i'm pretty sure Wally is purposefully not telling anyone to maintain the illusion that everything is fine and can continue on as it always has. maybe it comes from a place of protectiveness, of love? whatever the motive i think he wants them all to keep being unaware and dare i say, Complacent while he "fixes" their situation.

which is delusional, but we all know Wally is digging his metaphorical claws into a desperate bid to keep everything the same / return it to its original state, leaving bloody scratches in something already rotted. or something like that!

all this to say i think it's interesting how it seems that he's the only one aware of humans / an outside/other world, yet he's so determined to stay in his lane. he wants connection & communication yet he doesn't want to leave or change. he wants help in keeping things the same (some could say in keeping Our reality & his separated) but in the process he's dooming everyone/everything and tearing down those walls himself

(Wally: i'm going to stay where i am, and you're gonna stay where you are, and we're gonna help each other keep me and my friends where we're meant to be. anyway i wonder what this sledgehammer does)

#this is a very disjointed ramble but when are they ever put together!#i have to start at point a to get to point 36 yk yk #trying to write down my thoughts is like trying to keep a firm grip on a lubed up ferret #SOAPED!!! SOAPED UP!!! I MEANT SOAP yk that doesnt make it any better. anyway moving on dont look at me #its. its. the more i think about wally the more i go insane #like he's got neurosis stacked on neurosis stacked on-#there is something soooo wrong with him <3 #homebogging #welcome home speculation #wh speculation #i do think his heart is in the right place. i do think he's trying to achieve something he thinks is good & best for everyone #but... despite being aware of more than his friends... technically knowing more Truth than them #he's more trapped by that knowledge. he's ruled by it. and he doesn't really have the -#i dont want to say capacity bc i have to believe that he Can change. he just doesnt know how / currently doesnt want to / is too scared to #but he doesn't have the freedom the others have. bc in their ignorance they can ignore their confines #in a way they're more real than wally despite living in a fabricated world as fabricated people with fabricated lives #they're authentic in their ignorance #and ive said it before and ill say it again - wally was created as a blank slate while everyone else already had a Foundation #no matter how false their memories are they Have them. they have the tools to change and want change #they already perceive themselves as more than what they were made for. they think they're People (not humans - people) dont they?#so if they learn theyre trapped... they'll want out. meanwhile wally is already stuck bc while they have - in a way - More #the neighborhood & the show are all wally has. he knows there's outside but he doesnt have any reason to Want that outside #bc why would he want to leave home? why would he want anything to change? it's his sole purpose isnt it?#idk i just think wally would benefit from being told 'you dont need a purpose / you dont need to adhere to a purpose / you are enough as Yo #doing what You want. you can just Be'#but yk. what was i talking about again #oh yeah - wally is so so aware and yet so in the dark #he's got one half of the puzzle but they're all corner/edge pieces and he's trying to fill the inside space with Nothing #hm. i wonder if he'll end up needing the other neighbors to help finish the puzzle... who's to say who's to say!!#FUCK YOU TUMBLR I HAD MORE TO SAY. CUT OFF AGAIN AGH

112 notes · View notes

am-i-the-asshole-official · 6 months

Note

AITA for saying that I was worried a friend might be making his mental state worse

I (F18) and my now previous best friend (M18) have been friends since 7th grade, and graduated just last year. My friend has had mental issues for as long as we've been friends (anxiety, depression, DID) and has always been very, very drug adverse. Going as far as having drugs mentioned making him really uncomfortable for years and years. But this last year, our senior year, he started getting really friendly with the idea of starting to smoke. This caused an argument between us, as weed is known for causing mental issues to get worse, specifically its known for causing early onset psychosis, and considering he's had episodes similar before I was worried it would make things worse for him. He told me to step back and get out of his business. So I did.

About a month or so after this, he texted me and said that he was experiencing knee pain and asked if when I got to school (I was running late) if he could have some Tylenol, (I have a medical issue and I have to keep anti inflammatory's on my person or i risk paralyzation) and i said yes, because why wouldn't I, me and him have given one another over the counter pain meds all the time in the past. I had a brand new bottle of 250 pills of 500mg dosage, and well I was pulling out the bottle, I asked how many he wanted, (so I could give him one or two) but he asked if I could just hand him the bottle because both of us we're late to class and he didn't wanna be too late. And, as he's borrowed bottles of pain meds from me before for years, I said sure.

A little over an hour later I was called to the front office, where the bottle was placed onto the desk, and the administrator asked if it was mine, and I said yes, because it was my bottle of tylenol. and she gave it back to me, and told me to go back to class, I asked if my friend was in the nurses office or something, but she just told me to go to class. and that they dont give out medical information on students

I texted my friend asking what happened but he never answered, So at this point, I was freaking out. I texted his younger sister and asked if he was ok (we're also friends) but she didnt know that anything happened at all. At this point I entered a class I have multiple friends in and started having a meltdown worrying for the worst. his sister called their mom, and relayed to me that he was in the hospital. I poured out the entire bottle of tylenol and counted out every single one of them to find out that he took 12 500mg pills of Tylenol

I was called to the office again they had me give them all of my tylenol, and then they asked for any other drugs i had, I told them I don't have drugs, and then they confiscated my ibuprofen and the benydryl I keep on my person, and then because I kept them in my first aid kit, they confiscated my bandaids and neosporin.

he lived, was diagnosed with bpd, schizophrenia, and somethging else i dont remember. and there was a huge problem with the school, and they put me down as a drug dealer, made me do meetings with the student handler, called my parents. Its only the fact his mom didnt press charges that kept me from going to court. I suffered with severe guilt problems for months and months, relapsed into hurting myself, and it was just. bad. (months later, he went on to try to kill himself again, this time by overdosing on his perscribed anxiety meds in the school a second time)

during this time, he would start ghosting my messages, and when I asked him about it, he told me he wasn't mad at me, told me he didnt have any issues with me, he just felt bad we hadn't hung out in a while. So, I scheduled to hang out. and he cancelled. 5 times in a row. when driving a mutual friend home, I was discussing that I was frustrated, and worried about him. During this, I mentioned the argument we had about him smoking, and I mentioned that I thought it might be related to his mental state worsening. (he stopped smoking after the first suicide attempt) (and started smoking again a few monthes before the second attempt)

over the summer i would invite him to hang out several times, he declined every time, he invited me to hang out, but it felt like he intentionally planned for times he knew I couldn't make it for. (continualy on the day I work every week) Or on the few times we could. I would show up, and he would leave within the next 30 minutes, even if we had planed beforehand to be doing somethign for a while.

when I messaged him about 3 month ago (after three consecutive failed hang outs in a row) I found he had blocked me on everything. phone number, discord, instagram, tumblr. With no message, no word, didn't tell me at all what I did wrong or what hapened

just tonight I found out that he blocked me and wont interact with me because He says, that I said that it was his own fault that he tried to kill himself and that he was diagnosed with schizophrenia. (not what he said, he wont talk to me, I heard through third party source, so theres a chance that im not getting the message right)

I feel this isnt what I said at all. but, idk, I feel very guilty about it, I want to apologize to him. but I don't know how, its not like i can message him, and we dont ever see each other anymore because were graduated and doing different things.

am i the asshole?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole #suicide cw #self harm cw

74 notes · View notes

yourtouchismidas · 1 year

Note

how do u think matty reacts when gigi gets into her first relationship? i think he'd be wary but still very polite (also definitely gives the partner the shovel talk)

this ask perfectly follows on from the one i just wrote so we'll start from where that left off.

when gigi gets home from her first proper date, with the first guy she really properly likes, george has already text him to tell him where she was having bumped into him on the street. she tries to come into the house quietly, hoping that the noise of her little sisters messing around will drown her out and she can hop up to her bedroom without being noticed.

instead, the house is silent. perfect. no screams or laughs from the girls. they all must be out. gigi relaxes. she kicks off her shoes and puts down her back. she goes out of the hallway and to climb the stairs and then she hears him. a voice.

"august healy,"

it's her dad. she goes into the kitchen, knowing it would be disrespectful to ignore him, and he is sitting in one of the dining chairs, nursing a coffee, and stroking one of the twin's stuffy like he's in the godfather.

"hi dad," gigi says sheepishly.

"i received a very interesting text earlier," he says, putting down his coffee mug. "care to take a guess on what that may have been?"

she folds her arms, "i think we all know."

"i think we do," matty says, suddenly throwing the stuffed toy rabbit on the floor, then quickly, realising how hard he has thrown it, picks it up and says, "sorry bunny," and gives it a quick kiss on the head before placing it on the table. gigi is trying not to laugh. he's such a nightmare.

"i've heard, from a certain uncle, that a certain daughter, has been out with, someone of the male variety. am i correct?"

"dad can you stop?" she whines, "i'm fifteen."

"you're twelve," he says.

"for gods sake. where's mum? she'll put an end to this nonsense."

"your mother has yet to be informed of the male child. she is currently out with the rest of my charges. but i'm sure she will feel the same as I."

"dad," gigi says, giggling, "stop it."

"stop what?" he says, waving his arms around like some cartoon character.

"stop messing around. so i went out with a boy. its fine."

"i'll stop messing around when you tell me about him. and assure me that this male child has no intentions to hurt my precious child."

"didn't george tell you he's already threatened him?"

"he did not," matty says, "but i will need to threaten him myself, obviously."

"dad," gigi sighs, turning around to leave the kitchen.

"wait baby, come back," matty says, returning to his regular voice. "you dont need to lie about who you're seeing okay? please dont lie to me love."

"but you act like this! you care so much!"

"i'm just being a knob," he says. holding his arms out to hug her. "and i just care because you're my baby girl. okay? i want the best for you."

she leans into him. he rubs his knuckles in her curls.

"george did tell me he's really good looking," matty says.

gigi looks at him grinning, "oh my god he is, he's so fit."

matty pulls a face like he's just eaten something terrible.

"oh god, yeah no, can't do that."

"what?"

"happy for you he's fit an all but cant stomach hearing about it."

"that's fair enough, will you leave me alone about it now?"

"fine," matty says, going back to his coffee and picking up bunny again, "but i want to meet him. get him round for dinner please."

"sure," gigi says, taking the opportunity to run out the room.

"love you!" matty calls after her up the stairs. she sighs hard, but yells back, "love you too."

when you come back with the girls, you find matty in his music room crafting a song called "stay away from my daughter you shit."

"matthew healy," you say, grinning. you know he doesnt mean it. but you also know he loves that kid more than anything in the entire world.

"he's coming round for dinner," matty shudders, "i have to be ready."

#ruins #ruins behind the scenes #matty healy x reader #matty healy x you #matty healy #matty healy x y/n #the 1975 fanfic #matty healy fanfiction #dad!matty

119 notes · View notes

lains-reality · 11 months

Note

the hardest i keep trying to remain uninterested towards my thoughts and reaffirm that im awareness only and not the ego the more i feel angry that absolutely nothing is happening, not even feeling peace or fulfillment or anything, probably because i went into nd thinking its the same thing as loa and just wanting to get things but rn im done trying to convince myself that i dont care what my thoughts or my reality is, i dont know what to do about any of this anymore because ive read so much information (including the books ada shared) and now my brain feels fried and cant process shit i have no idea of where to go from here

firstly. take a break.

honestly, i've been thinking about honesty lol. i've realised that a lot of what i've been doing is to see a manifestation or feel love. but i never wanted to admit it. i might not ever have any """evidence""" for why i am pure awareness - my ego wants to understand. but i've moved on from trying to make it understand or convincing it. its perfectly fine as it is. it can walk, it can intelectualise (something that i actually want to stop doing with nd!), it can talk. thats okay with me. i don't want to demand or force anything more of it. i know what happens when i force my mind to do something, its a complete mess. i know that for the manifestations i want, that it requires me not to be a body-mind. it require something more. something timeless, boundless, etc. i cannot demand that from my body or mind. so i've decided to move past them, work with them when needed and soothe them when needed.

doing the inner work, depending on your ego, might be a thing you need to do (in fact i'd say that everyone needs to do it). its hard to just force yourself to disbelieve and detach. especially when forcing is not what you're supposed to do.

if you're in my inbox then you've read my posts, right?

so you see that i've recommended self inquiry before yes? and that i've put up books? you sound like you haven't read my posts? i've been reblogging so much and talked several times about no forcing!!

give yourself a chance. calm down. you're putting so much pressure on the body-mind to see your Self, BUT IT CAN'T, you are not that which you can observe!! you can't observe Self, THATS WHY THE MIND WILL NEVER GET IT! stop trying to force yourself to see your divinity, just appriciate the divinity you see now (you're literally ALIVE, breathing!! look at the world, you as Self created for YOU. Self fell in love with the character so much it forgot it was not it!!)

you're looking for some woo-woo magical experience that forever changes you - these ideas about enlightenment are not it. whatever ideas about enlightenment the mind had, throw it in the bin.

before enlightenment - chop wood, carry water. after enlightenment - chop wood, carry water!! you'll be going through the world the same, except in how you see the world.

enlightenment is a destruction. its a destruction in how you see the world and yourself. that's it. in the end, you'll feel peace (as others have said so) but you're not there, are you? you're trying to get rid of ego through ego. stop.

you'll never know Self, until you see it yourself. this is through experiments and practise.

stop reading if its frying you're brain. you're entire ask can be solved by "ok i'm gonna take a break this is too much". please the answer to your questions is not some magical shit! this is why i've said before KEEP IT SIMPLE.

this goes to all anons now (not just you anon!) LEARN HOW TO EMOTIONALLY REGULATE YOURSELF. i might just make a big post on this or something.

reading

starting the journey

i've shared this too many times now

another regular article i share

disbelieve

how to let go of vanessa

i'm sorry more ada posts

another one

read this one

LEAVE VANESSA ALONE

#lainsmail #can you tell i'm holding back tears of anger #you're not incompetent YOU CAN DO IT #i mean this all lovingly anon

79 notes · View notes

winterspiderpurrs · 1 year

Text

" Kid be real with me here..... just give me a name... an address.... even a picture"

" I can't do that!"

Tony sighed " Pete I am going to find out sooner or later. Just tell me the name of the Alpha who got you in this situation.... I just wanna make sure we can vet him bambino.... make sure he is good enough for you"

Peter sniffles a little, looking back down at his lap. Folding the paper with the doctors results on it again. " I cant.... not cause I dont want too...but..." bitting his lip he looks up at Tony and then back down before quietly almost a whisper " I don't know which one... there were two"

Quickly taking his glasses off and tossing them on the desk. Tony leans forward and stares Peter down.

" What was that? Are you fucking with me Pete? Who..You don't know who the father is because two fucking Alphas dont know how to wrap up their knots!?!"

Peter's eyes fill with tears again. And Tony sighs, closing his eyes pressing his fingers lightly on his eyes trying to calm down. Heaving a big sigh " Kid... I thought you were smarter then this. Why weren't you on birt-"

A voice comes on over the intercom. " Dr. Strange is here for you at your request. Should I send him in?"

Peter's jaw dropped and stared at Tony " You called-"

" Damn right I did! You know he is the best to check up on you til we can find your own doc... its a delicate situation Pete... you know who I am. "

They wait a few minutes before a knock sounds at the door before opening. Dr. Stephen Strange walked in, closing the door behind himself. " Now Stark tell me why I was rushed to get over here? I was prepping for a surgery when Pepper called and you know I-" Stephen paused taking in the scene infront of him, exhausted and pissed off looking Tony. Then over at Peter, pale, eyes rimmed red filled with tears looking scared and at any moment would fall over. Narrowing his eyes he turned to Tony " What did you do to my baby?"

Tony splutters " What did I do? WHAT DID I DO? He is the one who went and got knocked up! And it gets better he doesn't know who the fuck the father is because he has been fucking two guys"

" What? Why weren't you watching out for him? What if they were targeting him"

" I don't know if you know this but im running this town! And I can't keep a watch over him 24/7 he isn't a pup anymore Stephen!"

" Of course I know he isn't a pup! But you were suppose to have someone making sure this doesn't happen to our baby! I knew we should have sent him off to medical school."

" Hey! We both agreed that he could do whatever he wants. Just cause he is an Omega and our kid didn't mean he didn't have a choice! He is a great bioengineering and genetics! And some of the ideas he has as helped the business. Mine and yours!"

"And look where that-"

Peter let out another sniffle and a soft " Momma..." Stephen turned and looked at Peter, shoulders dropping and he moves to pull Peter up and out of the chair.

" Let's go get you to bed. You need to rest, I'll have Friday send up some tea for you. Momma will have some equipment sent over and I'll make sure everything is all right." He gentle runs his fingers through Peter's hair before kissing his forehead.

Turning to lightly lead him toward the door. " and while we are at it you are going to tell me all about these..... Alphas hm? Cause I know you are or atleast were on birth control. I implanted the device myself just last year in your arm" Stephen turn his head back to glare at Tony and mouth to him that he needed to 'Figure this out quick'

After they left the room Tony curses more before reaching out to Natasha. " Widow. I need information and I needed it yesterday. Its about our baby spider"

" send me details. I'll get Winter involved if needed"

" Whatever it takes"

-----------------------------------------

*^*^*ONE HOUR LATER*^*^*

"Do you have a picture and address? I will see if I have any body that covers that area"

" Here" Natasha slides her phone over to Winter aka James Barnes just call me Bucky. He lift the phone freezes and stares at it. Natasha tilts her head as she watches this shift.

" And what.... information are we looking for?"

" Stark wants to know who has been around, possibly going back for a few months. We are looking for two Alphas. Kid has been tight lipped. Thats all the information we got to work with."

" ... Was he hurt? Did two Alphas attack him? Why is he important to Stark"

Natasha notices Bucky tightening his grip on the phone before he handed it back to her.

Looking back up into his eyes she narrows hers. " Aren't you with Ste....." her eyes widen before slamming he hand down on the table. " Please tell me you and Steve are not fucking Tony Starks kid?"

" He is 22 and .... we didn't know"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

-*-*-EDIT-*-*-

Link for Part 2 now included!!

339 notes · View notes

anangelcried111 · 1 year

Text

MY HUGE SUCCESS STORY

I literally can't believe this y'all, I'm shaking and I'm crying right now. There are tears on my phone as i write this.

I successfully manifested my school cancelling and my not going 😭😭😭😭

This is the hugest manifestation I have ever made. All the odds were against me and I was in shock and disbelief myself. No one was willing to let me stay home but my school cancelled because of weather conditions.

CONTEXT:

for a little context I've been manifesting not going to school since Wednesday and I was literally having a huge panic attack cause no one told me I'm going to school until the very last minute ( I just moved to another town so I'm gonna transfer to a different school). I freaked out and didn't know what to do. I was so anxious I almost burst into tears because the circumstances around me made me think (at the time) that my manifestation wouldn't work out.

I was literally so hopeless and broken, my mind was literally racing and I didn't know what to do. I binged countless blogs on tumblr about loa but I still felt empty. But as my last hope I went on YouTube to listen to a Neville Goddard lecture to calm me down and I stumbled upon this video about a manifestation method Neville created : ( heres the link)

And I put it into practice mind you, I was so anxious that I doubted myself so damn much but I still tried the method AND IT ACTUALLY WORKED.

https://youtu.be/JsgLXzYsbCk

You guys have no idea how important this is to me. This is something I never thought I would be able to do. I always knew what loa was and who Neville Goddard was but I dont think I ever practiced what he teached and the fact that my wish came true is still extremely surreal to me, i feel like I'm gonna choke on my tears right now and I'm not making anything up, as someone who had intrusive thoughts before saying success stories are lying, I swear on my mom this is completely true.

I never thought I would make it but I did.

As someone who probably like you, was always on tumblr reading countless success stories and reading through millions of posts and doubting them and filling my brain with too much information, the one thing I can tell you if you used to be like me, PUT LOA INTO PRACTICE. ACTUALLY USE IT AND DO WHAT NEVILLE SAYS. IF I CAN DOUBT MYSELF, HAVE PANIC ATTACKS AND 𝗦𝗧𝗜𝗟𝗟 GET EXACTLY WHAT I WANT YOU CAN TOO.

Seriously if this post isn't enough to prove you that loa actually works and to actually start manifesting, I dont know what will.

#manifestingmindset #subliminals #subconscious #law of assumption #success story #manifestyourreality #manifesting #neville goddard #law of success #the void state #void success #self concept #loa

187 notes · View notes

hisnowbie2 · 5 months

Text

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈ -ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈

Summary:

¤ Turning 18 on that day, Seolji didn't expect herself to see a thread of a red string being tied up around her pinky finger, casually dances to the flow of the wind that blows her hair.

And she remembers specifically.

It was a windy day, close to drizzling. Right in front of her new school at the start of the year, she was just walking casually to school, when she felt a pull on her pinky finger.

Now that she understands what is happening, all she need is time for her to have her string guilds her to her soulmate. As much as she wishes her dream soulmate to be her type, she actually didn't expect someone over her expectation. To say the worst, she doesn't like it at all. ¤

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈ -ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈

Concept:

SMAU x written x romance x slowburn x angst × crack

Warning:

Corny jokes and chats, indirect "k**l" word, break up, huge height difference, switch POVs, toxic ex, 1 year age gap, lack of information of internship and its jobs, LOTS of typo errors, mispelled swearings, ignore timestamps if thrs any, their twitter like, retweet and comment aren't relevant to the story so dont mind it zero, (at one chapter i might have stated d!3 word but i just couldnt find where so be aware of that), lmk if i missed out

Featuring/mentioned:

ATEEZ Jung Wooyoung and Choi San, STRAYKIDS all members, SVT Jeon Wonwoo and Lee Chan

Status:

Completed ❤️

Started:

13 Jan 2024

Ended:

24 Feb 2024

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈ -ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈

BFFsies | Geis

↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺ | ↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺

⋘ 𝑙𝑜𝑎𝑑𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑑𝑎𝑡𝑎... ⋙

O N E : 【 Zhong Chenle, 卒】

T W O : 【 Welcome back home, CHEATER 】

T H R E E : 【 It's your turn to shine 】

F O U R : 【 Internship sucks 】

F I V E : 【 Ladies man 】

S I X : 【 Lee Yongbok?! 】

S E V E N : 【 Worth to be a wimp for him 】

E I G H T : 【 Shopping adventure, who? 】 (0.9k)

N I N E : 【 Crazy rich asians just poor asians 】

T E N : 【 Like around 200cm tall 】 (0.3k)

E L E V E N : 【 CODE RED 】

T W E L V E : 【 Soobin's first retweet! 】

T H I R T E E N : 【 Bro code 】

F O U R T E E N : 【 Countdown 】

F I F T E E N : 【 Im sus of your sexuality 】

S I X T E E N : 【 10 reasons why we shouldn't invite Hyunjin noona's family 】

S E V E N T E E N : 【 I dont like parties 】

E I G H T E E N : 【 Half 50 】

N I N E T E E N : 【 They all are GIANTS 】

T W E N T Y : 【 I'm not gonna breathe clear air, UNLIKE THEM】

T W E N T Y O N E : 【 He's FOIVE 】

T W E N T Y T W O : 【 Party party yeah~ 】 (2.1k)

T W E N T Y T H R E E : 【 O-... oh... OWH OKAY 】

T W E N T Y F O U R : 【 HI hello AnNyEoNg 】

T W E N T Y F I V E : 【 That went well(?) 】

T W E N T Y S I X : 【 Who wants my 99cents crown? 】

T W E N T Y S E V E N : 【 Not bad but not good 】

Minjeong superior <3

↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺

⋘ 𝑙𝑜𝑎𝑑𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑑𝑎𝑡𝑎... ⋙

T W E N T Y E I G H T : 【 #sunghoon_oof 】

T W E N T Y N I N E : 【 I kieru myself, please 】

T H I R T Y : 【 I? You? We? 】

T H I R T Y O N E : 【 She?! Him?! They?! 】

T H I R T Y T W O : 【 I. Him. We. 】

T H I R T Y T H R E E : 【 We're slowing down 】

T H I R T Y F O U R : 【 A date? 】

T H I R T Y F I V E : 【 Should I go for movie star glamorous? 】

T H I R T Y S I X : 【 Soob's down into a loophole 】

T H I R T Y S E V E N : 【 Pep talk 】

T H I R T Y E I G H T : 【 ESEKIUSMOA?! 】

T H I R T Y N I N E : 【 Thank you 】 (1.5k)

F O R T Y : 【 The rare Soobin-becoming-flirty card appears! 】

Kim Minju

↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺

⋘ 𝑙𝑜𝑎𝑑𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑑𝑎𝑡𝑎... ⋙

F O R T Y O N E : 【 Her 】

F O R T Y T W O : 【 Asshole Geis 】

F O R T Y T H R E E : 【 Heeseung's out】

F O R T Y F O U R : 【 Soobin dissing day is on the 26th 】

F O R T Y F I V E : 【 He's a damn darn 🚩 】

F O R T Y S I X : 【 J****** guy 】

F O R T Y S E V E N : 【 Her ex is who?! 】

F O R T Y E I G H T : 【 The back-up plan 】

F O R T Y N I N E : 【 Night apple is poison apple 】

F I F T Y : 【 4'11 & 6'1 】

F I F T Y O N E : 【 Baby shark as a lullary lure 】 (1.4k)

F I F T Y T W O : 【 It's word for word 】 (1k)

F I F T Y T H R E E : 【 Your honour, that's cap 】

F I F T Y F O U R : 【 Unglam photos 】

F I F T Y F I V E : 【 CREATE PRIVATE ACCs FFS 】

F I F T Y S I X : 【 Blindfold kink huh? 】

F I F T Y S E V E N : 【 Sunghoon's life lesson 】

F I F T Y E I G H T : 【 Binnie binnie 】

F I F T Y N I N E : 【 Prioritized 】

S I X T Y : 【 Toradora! 】

S I X T Y O N E : 【 Treat him right 】

S I X T Y T W O : 【 We're going on a trip with my favourite rocket ship 】

S I X T Y T H R E E : 【 We are not in a cult 】

S I X T Y F O U R : 【 I love you 】

S I X T Y F I V E : 【 Missed me much? 】

S I X T Y S I X : 【 I'll miss you guys 】

S I X T Y S E V E N : 【 It's gone?! 】

S I X T Y E I G H T : 【 Small early party 】

S I X T Y N I N E : 【 YES 】

S E V E N T Y : 【 Marriage 】

E N D I N G

Fin

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈ -ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈

Masterlist

Txt masterlist

#kpop #hybe #txt #tomorrow x together #soobin #choi soobin #choi beomgyu #choi yeonjun #kang taehyun #hueningkai #chenle #yeji #bighit #bahiyyih #seungmin #txt smau

29 notes · View notes

imagines-for-the-fangirls-soul · 3 months

Text

Return to Me - Chapter Twenty-Nine and A Half

Chapter Twenty-Nine and a Half: For the Better

A/N: Hello, friends! As always, Return to Me is never far from my thoughts, and I often find myself rereading chapters when I need them. And as always, I want to rewrite everything I've ever written. But, since I've put so much work into the current rewrite, I've decided to fill in some of the gaps that seem to haunt me the most. So voila, I present to you my first add-on chapter.

This chapter will follow both the reader and Poe, in the aftermath of their breakup. As I have reread this story, I feel like the absolute depression that each of them went through wasn't expressed enough, so this needed to be done. This is aggressively inspired by the TikTok edit of Waiting Room x All I Wanted.

Pairing: Poe Dameron x Reader Word Count: 3.6k Synopsis: Somehow, life goes on after the painful breakup, and Poe and the reader struggle to find their footing in this new world.

Tags: @xeniarocks, @too-many-baes, @idocarealot, @treblebeth, @treestarrrrrrrr, @thescarletknight2014, @cspr-2, @ibikus, @mellow-f1, @mrsdaamneron, @trustme3-13, @ella-solei, @minelskede, @gleigh42, @givemethatgold, @and-claudia, @constantdisgrace, @wordsinwinters, @readingvogueonprivetdrive, @trshbb, @kaitlynw011, @ihave2muchtimeonmyhands, @fairytalesforever, @thanos-jeep, @mixedfandxms,

@pastelbunny1501, @emotionalcal, @danicalifxrnia, @getyourselfaunicorn, @spider-starry, @roserrys, @blushingwueen, @sam-wilsonnn , @commondazy, @throughparisallthroughrome, @ms-dont-care , @bubblegumcat229 , @barnesdameron , @i-hope-the-roof-flies-off , @deliriousgeek , @elisearts, @abzidabzy @lxntsxv

Previous Chapter - Next Chapter

You cannot remember the last time you ate. You know you've been drinking water, but only because every hour or so, Nové is there to force it down your throat.

You have never felt this weak before. You have lived on Naboo for most of your life, but every breeze off the lakes chills you to your core. Sitting with your upcoming cabinet nearly knocks you to the ground.

You know eating will help, but you can't seem to muster up the appetite, even when your favorite foods are presented in front of you.

Your mind wanders. You try to stay in the present, listen to the information that you know will be beneficial to your reign, but you can't seem to focus on a single thought.

Well, aside from the memory of the pain on Poe's face. That never, ever leaves your mind.

The only other thought that grasps you is what your father said after you told him it was over. That you and Poe were over.

"Know it's for the better, Y/N."

Compared to the devastation in Poe's eyes, the look in your father's was warm, caring even. You know he truly believes that this is the better course. And that belief haunts your thoughts.

"Y/N?" One of the handmaidens ask. You aren't sure which one, since you just met them all, aside from Nové. You think it might be Loré, the one with the beautiful dark hair.

"Sorry?" you say, trying to shake yourself back to the present.

"Did you decide on what dress you want to wear?" she asks. By her placating tone, you know it's not the first she has asked this.

"The red will be fine for today," you say.

Today, your coronation day, the final brick that will complete the wall between the life you had known for five years, and the one you have to embrace now.

"Excellent choice," Loré says softly, and goes to collect the supplies to prepare your look.

Poe cannot remember the last time he hasn't woken up with a terrible hangover.

In reality, he knows the last time was the last morning he spent with you, when things still made sense. But since that awful day, the rest have become a blur of too many drinks in the quiet of your formerly shared quarters.

The beep of greeting that BB-8 gives him only strains his already growing headache. He mumbles a hello and staggers his way to the bathroom.

Poe splashes cold water on his face, raring himself for the day. Leia informed him last night that she has a mission for Black Squadron, and Poe couldn't have been more relieved.

When he was moving, when he was fighting, when he was doing anything other than sitting in this room, it was easier to ignore the thoughts that clawed at him in the night.

It was easy to forget the absolute gut-wrenching pain of your goodbye. To forget the memory of you walking back up the stairs, towards the life you were leaving him for.

It was easy to forget that he had hardly fought for you.

He dressed in his orange jumpsuit and together he and BB-8 left the room. The least amount of time he could stay in here, the better it was for his mind, heart, and liver.

The makeup is lighter than you had expected.

Looking at yourself in the mirror, the white face paint covers every inch of your skin, but it feels as if nothing is there at all. Loré paints two red dots on your cheeks, and finishes with the lip design, as Nové brings your selected gown in.

The dress takes a few minutes to put on. Sondé pins the the veil into the braided crown of your hair, and there is no more stalling to do.

You are motionless before the standing mirror. It is your reflection you see, but it's not someone you know. Queen Bhavisama looks back at you, her eyes welling with tears just like your own.

Before they can fall and ruin your makeup, you shove those feelings down. The numbing thought, "Know it's for the better," clings in your mind, and you let it wash over you.

Flight check is a reflex to Poe. Without even realizing he has started, he is already done. BB-8 wows something at it, but Poe only recognizes half of it. He hears the word 'general,' and he hops down from the X-Wing as Leia walks up.

"Commander," she says with a sad smile. The only type of smile Poe has received from any of his friends in the last few weeks.

"General."

"Are you ready for today?"

"Of course."

"Didn't have too much to drink last night?" she asks, but her demeanor makes it seem like she already knows the answer.

"I'm fine, Leia," he says softly.

"Are you?"

There is nothing but worry in Leia's face as she asks. She's not asking as his general, but as an old friend, the person who officiated his wedding, the person he's looked up to for years.

He can only bring himself to nod. Somehow, he thinks if he tried to speak the lie, he would falter.

"Be careful, Commander."

He nods to her once more and begins to climb back up the X-Wing, when Leia says, "And may the Force be with you." Not just on this mission, her eyes seem to say.

You have been shaking since Sarsa Broden gave you the responsibility of Naboo. You know there was a parade in your honor, you know that you walked through it, probably smiled and waved at your citizens, but it's all a blur.

Back at Theed Palace there is a party in your honor, yet you are incapable of finding a single reason to celebrate.

When you enter the room, you know there is commotion around you, but you don't hear any of it, until your father's hand is on your arm.

"We are so proud of you," he says, throwing his arms around you. You hardly feel them. His face holds no emotion other than delight, no matter how hard you search.

"Thank you," you mutter, shrugging out of his arms. You need to get out of this room, away from all these people.

You aren't sure you've cried before 9pm in any of the past weeks. Appointments have kept you too unfeeling to have time to. But the coronation ceremony has brought you to your knees, and you need to get out of here before you lose control.

"Ah, your highness," a voice says, and before you can register who it is, they have your arm in theirs. You look up into Sarsa Broden's smiling face. He's an old family friend, and typically the sight of him would have made you nothing but happy, but now, all you can see if him handing over Naboo to you.

"You did well today, my Queen," he says. The title chafes. Suddenly your dress feels much too tight.

"Thank you," you manage to say.

"Ah," he says, as a server walks by with a tray of food. "My favorites. Any for you--"

"No, no thank you," you say. Just the smell of whatever it is makes you nauseous. When was the last time you ate anything?

"I hope that you know you can call on me for anything you should need during your term."

"Of course I do," you say. The temperature in the ball room must have gone up at least ten degrees. It quickly feels hard to breath.

"I'm glad," he says with a smile. He studies your face for a moment and his smile drops. "Your Highness? Are you alright?"

"Perfectly fine, my lord," you pant.

"I know this can all be overwhelming, but I do hope it's all you ever wanted it to be."

You are going to be sick.

"Please excuse me," you say, not giving him enough time to respond before you bolt out the nearest exit.

Workers are a blur as you race past them, struggling not to knock them over.

Know it's for the better.

You hear footsteps behind you and know that it is your security, probably confused as hell about your sudden exit.

All you ever wanted.

At the end of the hall is a door out to the terrace.

Know it's for the better.

Naboo matches the mood of her queen. The temperature has dropped significantly, as heavy rain falls over Theed Palace.

All you ever wanted.

It is the final straw. Here in the downpour in the dark, with only a few streetlights and the glow of the opened door where your guards wait, you break down.

Falling to your knees, tears pour down your face faster than ever. You can feel the face paint slipping down your cheeks, but it doesn't matter. A scream like sob wrenches out of you as you hold onto yourself.

Both your father and Broden's words echo in your mind. Like scorpions they sting and sting, over and over again. You cannot find a way to be free of them.

Warm arms wrap around you, and for a moment you think it's one of your guards, but then you look up into Nove's face. It looks like she's crying, too. You open your mouth to say something but it just comes out in a sob. She clings to you tightly and rocks you gently as you cry.

"All I wanted was him," you weep, clinging to her just as tight.

"I know, I know."

"All I wanted," you say again, and you know you are shouting, but it has to come out. You say it over and over until your throat is scraped raw. Nové just rocks you in her arms and shushes you gently.

"I know."

The bottle of moonshine is empty before Poe realizes. Just like how the mission was over before he knew it.

The bottle was a gift from his dad. He came to visit Poe a few days after he heard the news. All attempts Kes made to get Poe to open up were futile. But when it finally all came out, over a couple glasses of the very same moonshine, Kes held him tightly, crying with him.

He left the bottle with Poe and told him to comm if he needed anything. Poe thought he could use another bottle right now, but knows that's not what his father had meant.

He holds the bottle in his hands, his grip tightening as he reads the label. It's the same brand, his father's brand, that Kes served to you when the two of you had gone to visit. Back when things were good, back when things made sense.

He doesn't realize he is holding the bottle too tight until it shatters in his hands.

"Fuck," Poe yells, trying to shake the shards of glass from his hands. The door to his quarters opens and Snap comes in, eyes wide.

"What the hell?" he asks, stepping over the shards of glass to look at Poe's hand. "What happened?"

"Bottle broke," Poe says through gritted teeth. "I'm fine."

"You're not," Snap says, pulling Poe after him. "You've got shards of glass in your hand."

"I said I'm fine, Snap!" Poe barks.

He has been like this for too long. Every little thing seems to set him on edge. He knows his friends are only trying to help, but each time they reach out, his anger only grows. No one can help him. It's a fate he has readily accepted. Why can't they?

"I know you are. But there's glass in your hand. I just want to get you cleaned up."

Poe keeps protesting as Snap leads him to Med Bay, but Snap ignores him. It isn't until they are sitting in the white, sterile room, his hand devoid of glass and bandaged, that Snap speaks again.

"What did the bottle do to piss you off?" he asks.

Poe's first instinct is to shake his head, but he finds himself saying, "Just brought up a memory."

"A bad one?"

"A Y/N one," he says quietly.

"Ah."

"You know," Poe say after a beat, "I drink to try and forget her, but everything ends up reminding me of her."

"General Organa told you she could find you another room."

"I don't want another room," he says. His voice cracks a little, but he fights to control it. "I don't want any of this, Snap."

"I know, Poe," he says gently.

"Why didn't I fight harder?" he asks, just above a whisper. He has kept these thoughts silent for too long. He wants them to come out, but knows it's pointless, given the state of things.

"What?"

"Why didn't I fight? Why didn't I confront her parents? Why didn't I take her off of Naboo, give her time to think it over? Why didn't I-"

"Poe, you--"

"Why wasn't I enough? Why wasn't our love strong enough?"

"Hey, don't start thinking like that," Snap says, bracing a hand on his shoulder. "You know why she did what she did. And you know it hurts her, too."

"I don't know what I know anymore," he says, dropping his head into his hands. He wrings his fingers through his mess of curls. They've been knotted for weeks, but he can't seem to find the desire to fix them.

"Maybe laying off the moonshine will bring some clarity," Snap says carefully. Poe lets out a tut of laughter and nods noncommittally.

"Thanks for the first aid, Snap," Poe says, and hops off the exam table.

As midnight overtakes Naboo, Nové and the other handmaidens have tucked you into bed. After spending stars know how long holding onto you on the terrace, Nové was eventually able to coax you back inside. Together, Loré, Sondé, and she got you out of the ruined coronation gown and into a warm bath. They brushed out your knotted hair as you sat in silence, and then crawled into bed next to you.

Loré, on your left, distracts you by reading inane articles from gossip nets, ones that sometimes get you to crack a smile. Sondé, on your right, has made a cup of warm tea, that she hands to you now.

Seeing that you are taken care of for the moment, Nové slips out of the room. The halls of Theed Palace are nearly empty as she finds her way into an unoccupied communications room.

She only has to wait a beat before the holographic image of Jess appears. Nové can't help her smile at seeing her, but there is pain there, too. A longing of her own.

"Hi, Supernova," Jess says.

"It's so good to hear your voice," Nové says gently.

"Yours, too."

"How are things?"

"They're alright," Jess says carefully. "Business as usual, but there is a tension that hangs in the air."

"Here too."

"How did the coronation go?" Jess asks.

"The ceremony itself went off without a hitch, but a few minutes into the party, Y/N broke down. She cried in the pouring rain for probably an hour, and all I could do was hold her," she says, feeling again, how helpless she felt then.

"It's good that you were there for her."

"Yeah," Nové says, "I'm just glad to see it finally come out. She's been a ghost these past few weeks. She only cries in the night when everyone else has left, but in the morning there are still red circles under her eyes. And then it's back to a living corpse. She hardly eats." Nové sighs. "I don't know what I can do to help her."

"I don't know that there is anything we can do," Jess says. "We've been trying to figure out how to help Poe over here, but he doesn't want to talk either."

"He's gone silent, too?"

"No, he just brushes us off when we try to. And he's taken to drinking. When it's time for a mission, debrief, he's there and in normal Poe spirit. But the second any of that is over, the tortured look comes back over him, and he disappears to his quarters to drink. He broke a glass bottle in his hands earlier today."

"How are they ever going to . . ." Nové trails off, unable to say it.

"How are they ever going to find each other again?" Jess asks.

"No. How will they ever get past this," Nové says.

"I don't know. Do you think there's a chance, after all of this is done?"

"I don't know," Nové says with a sigh. And she truly doesn't. She can't even imagine how tomorrow will shake out, let alone years from now. "Are you going to tell Poe we spoke?"

"I'm not sure. I'm going to go check in on him afterwards. I think today was particularly worse, because he knew that the coronation was taking place. I'll see if it's something he needs to hear, if it's something he can handle.

"What about Y/N?"

"Not tonight I won't," Nové replies. "We just got her into bed, I won't give her another thought to torture herself with."

"Don't forget to take care of yourself, too, Nové."

"I won't."

"I miss you like crazy."

"I miss you more," Nové says with a sad smile.

"Talk soon?"

"Absolutely. Jess?" Nové asks, before she can end the call. "We both miss you all. If he can handle it, tell him, won't you?"

"Of course. Goodnight, Supernova."

"Goodnight, Jessika."

A knock at his door awakens Poe. He lifts off the bed and notices the chair in the corner is in pieces, a bottle of whiskey lying next to him. He can't remember how it got there, or how the chair broke, but that has been happening more and more.

He has pushed his feelings down for so long, they seem to manifest in bursts of anger. He knows the drinking isn't helping these mood swings, but he can't bring himself to care to stop.

He knows he is drunk when he goes to open the door for Jess and nearly falls as he trips on more scattered junk. Jess walks into the room, and takes in the mess as she does. A bottle rolls away from her foot, rattling as she kicks it.

"Poe," she pleads, "Tell me this isn't all yours."

"What do you want, Jess?" he asks, flopping down at the end of his bed.

"At least say they aren't all from today."

"They aren't all from today."

"We're all worried about you--"

"I don't need your worry," he says, looking at her. "I'm fine."

"I never ever saw you drink this much when Y/N was around."

"Well she's not anymore, is she?" He can feel the fire blazing in his eyes as he says this, the anger forming inside of him.

"I never saw you drink this much before her, either," Jess says quietly.

"I'm fine," he says again, knowing it's a lie. "I'll quit soon, I'm just--"

"Trying to drink your way through the galaxy?"

"Why are you here, Jess?" he asks tiredly. "Come to dig the knife in further? I know you were calling Nové today."

"I did."

"So, how is she?" he asks. Jess knows he's not talking about Nové.

"The same as this," she says.

"Y/N is drinking herself to a stupor?" Poe asks with a pained smile.

"From the way Nové tells it, she can't bring herself to do much of anything. Says she's like a ghost."

A ghost. Poe can hardly imagine you as such. Can hardly imagine the woman he loves, the woman so full of life and laughter, suddenly empty and silent. The only time you were remotely like that, was around your parents, but even then you had venomous words to wield against them.

"She's not fighting anymore," Poe says, understanding, "She's accepted this fate her parents have decided for us."

"Not sure she had much of a choice."

"Yeah, but I did," he says. "I could have fought for her. I should have fucking been there today."

"What could you have done?"

"I could have tried," he says weakly. He stands, turning away from her as the tears he tries so hard to keep at bay threaten to fall. Jess ignores his desire to be alone and wraps him in her arms. It isn't until he's fully embraced that he realizes how much he needs this. He holds her tightly.

"I'm sorry," Jess says, the only thing she can think to say.

"I know," he says, breaking away from her. "I am, too." And that's really all he's been since it happened. Sorry for himself, sorry for you, sorry for the life you would have had, and the one you have now.

"So," he says after a beat, "What's her name?"

"Queen Bhavisama," Jess says quietly.

"Thank you for telling me," Poe says, a gentle dismissal. Jess nods.

Once she is gone, Poe sits back down and reaches for the closest bottle. He brings it to his lips but stops before drinking. His thoughts are on you, same as every day, but he cannot get the haunted image of you out of his mind.

He hates himself just a little bit for sitting here, knowing you are in pain. And he hates himself more because he knows that if he did run to you, it wouldn't change anything.

The bottle in his hand is mostly empty, and before he can take the final swig, he holds it up in toast and says, "To Queen Bhavisama." The liquor burns as it goes down and the bottle crashes onto the floor as Poe sobs into his hands.

#poe dameron #poe dameron x reader #poe dameron x you #star wars #star wars fanfiction #star wars fanfic #poe dameron fanfiction #poe dameron fanfic #return to me

17 notes · View notes