#and i think a chapter ive been suffering over for literal months is FINALLY coming together | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

teyamsatan · 1 year

Text

The Archer | Chapter VII: Epiphany

Chapter I Chapter II Chapter III Chapter IV Chapter V Chapter VI Chapter VII Chapter VIII Chapter IX Chapter X

Summary: You and Neteyam fight for your lives and the lives of the people you both love, as the war with the humans finally comes to your doorstep.

Pairings: Neteyam x Avatar!Reader

Word Count: 10k words

Warnings/notes: angst (lots and lots of angst), mentions of death, blood, violence, cursing, spoilers (!!) for ATWOW

A/N: I APOLOGISE PROFUSELY.

Epiphany is the song that drove this whole series, it was the song that made me want to write The Archer, and the chapter that the song deals with is finally here. I feel incredibly sad at the thought of this series ending in a couple of chapters, as it has been literally the only thing on my mind since I started it, more than 2 months ago. I hope you enjoy, and don't hate me too much, I promise I'll make it up to you x

↳ *Spotify playlist* ༉‧₊˚✧

Keep your helmet, keep your life, son, just a flesh wound, here's your rifle

Crawling up the beaches now, “Sir, I think he's bleeding out"

And some things you just can't speak about

With you, I serve, with you, I fall down, down

Watch you breathe in, watch you breathing out, out

Neteyam had a flurry of messy thoughts percolating around his mind as he was following Lo’ak towards Three Brothers Rocks, where they knew Payakan was. He looked behind him where Tsireya, Ao’nung and Rot’xo, as well as Kiri and Tuk were following suit and worry overwhelmed him at what could be coming. He should calm himself, he thought. It’s all going to be alright, what are the chances the humans would go after Payakan, and the chances that this would happen now, when they were all going? What were the chances this would happen while his baby sisters were with them, anyway? They would all be alright… they all had to be alright. This world took so much from his family, from him, so much suffering and agony he had to live through, more than anyone should ever have to. His thoughts shifted towards his mother, his beautiful, kind and caring mother, who had to watch her sister, the future Tsa’hik, killed by humans, as were her father, her friend and former betrothed, her mentor, her home. Eywa wouldn’t be so cruel as to take more from her, she couldn’t.

He didn’t have time to dwell on the unfairness of the Universe, not when Payakan quickly came into view before them, showing Lo’ak the pinger deeply inserted in the thick skin on his side. Fuck.

Lo’ak quickly jumped on his spirit brother’s fin and started pulling at the rod, with little avail. He watched in horror as a massive ship turned a corner and came fully into view, and with a last thought to you, and your agonising last conversation, he allowed adrenaline to take over him and move him towards where his brother was. He had to do this.

“Bro, come on, help me out! Hurry, the ship’s coming.”

Neteyam reached a hand out to Ao’nung and saw the rest of them get onto the tulkun, starting to pull harder on the pinger that refused to budge, no matter the effort. They needed help. They needed their parents, they needed the Metakyina. He needed you. His hand mindlessly reached to the spot where he usually keeps his transmitter, and cursed loudly when he realised he forgot his radio at home. He looked at Lo’ak and felt relief wash over him when he saw that he was wearing his.

“Call dad. Call it in. Call dad, now!” Lo’ak wasn’t moving, so Neteyam grabbed him roughly by the arm and pulled him upwards. “Just go, do it!! Just do it!”

Neteyam couldn’t hear Lo’ak over the noise of everybody he was with screaming in pain trying to get this done, and, trusting his brother with the task at hand, he returned to his own, trying to figure out the best way to get everyone out of this mess.

“Dad, dad, I mean… Devil Dog, do you read me?”

Lo’ak’s voice pulled you out of your agonised thoughts, reeling after your dad’s message that just came maybe about a minute ago, and you gasped at confirmation there were still fine, that you still had time.

“Yeah, Lo’ak?” Jake’s voice sounded concerned, and you wondered briefly if he already knew, knew the danger currently facing their children, if he could feel it instinctually, like you could, deep within your soul.

“We’re with a…tulkun that’s under attack. Killer ships inbound, it’s about 2 klicks out.”

“Who’s with you?”

“It’s all of us, and Ao’nung and Tsireya, too. We’re at Three Brothers Rocks.”

“You get to cover and you do not engage, alright? Do you hear me? Do not engage. We’re coming.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Devil Dog, Eagle Eye, I’m on route, maybe 10 minutes out. I’m with Neyn, I’m coming. Over and out.”

“Hurry.”

Gideon watched as commotion happened all around him, all units ready to start their assault on the innocent tulkun. He got his gun out and looked at Quartich and the rest of the Recoms, almost drooling with excitement over seeing the Sully kids, knowing they were so close to finally completing their mission, and more importantly, finally exacting the revenge they have dreamt about since the first breath they took in this new body, this new life.

Concern was deeply imbedded in him, in his mind and soul, and he watched through the scope of his gun for the kids who were struggling to pull out the pinger reflecting red light onto the skin of the huge animal they were sitting on. Just fucking leave, just leave. She’s never going to forgive me if anything happens to you, so just leave.

Gideon was screaming internally at the scene unfolding in front of him, screaming silently at these kids who seemed to have a death wish, who were so irresponsible, his paternal instincts were kicking in full tilt, ready to give them an ass kicking of a lifetime if they all managed to survive this. He’s in this now, he realises briefly. He’s in this. His daughter’s family, potentially his family if any of them manage to ever forgive him for a lifetime of sins he was willing to work his ass off to repent for - all in danger, all risking their lives for this being, knowing full well what is waiting for them if the people on this ship catch them. Is this what it means? To be Na'vi, to live on this planet? Is this how interconnected everything here is, that despite knowing better, despite knowing the dangers that lie ahead, they would be willing to die for another soul? Is this what it meant to see?

“Let’s roll.” He watched as Quaritch got onto his ikran, alongside Weinfleet, and took off, at the same time that the boats armed with people and harpoons hit the water, speeding towards the tulkun. Shit.

He had to wait for his moment, had to wait for a distraction, otherwise he would die before he got the chance to help in anyway. His eyes moved towards the human kid next to him, looking scared and anxious, looking how Gideon was feeling. They exchanged a knowing look. It was time. Time for both of them to go where they truly belonged, to go home. Gideon nodded slowly in his direction. Wait for my mark. Spider was trained by a soldier, that much was true, and the man appreciated Jake Sully’s influence and role in raising these kids a little bit more. He allowed himself to hope, for a second, that it would all work out. These weren’t just normal kids. These were warriors. Ready for battle, raised for the inevitable war that would come to their doorsteps once more sooner or later. If anyone could do this, it’s them.

Neteyam felt exhausted as he was sitting on top of his ilu, the feeling mirrored across the bond from the effort the animal was putting into pulling the pinger out of Payakan. He felt so bad for his aquatic friend, but knew the sooner they removed it, the more time they had to get away. His parents were on the way, so he knew they would be alright, that his sisters would be alright, but the sight of boats approaching them rapidly made the sound of his heart echo painfully in his ears.

“Pull harder!”

“PULL!”

He was thrown forwards as the contraption finally fell in the water, and he took a second, just one second to be proud of the work they did, to be happy they would be able to save the tulkun. Cringing a little at the thought of what you would do at his next words, he spoke:

“Come on, get out of here. Go that way, I will draw them out.” He took off without a second glance, once again the sacrificial lamb for his family. He wouldn’t have it any other way.

An explosion almost took him out, deep ringing in his ear and confusion all around as the ilu tried to understand what was going on around them. He knew, all too well, the power of the human mind, the guns and bombs that were made for mass murder, made for annihilation. He recovered and tried to calm his pal, propelling through water, trying to put as much distance as he could between the blinking device and his family, who took cover in the deep underwater flora at the bottom of the sea. When it was far enough, he let it go, watching as it sank, and moved along, trying to hide before it was too late. They had no weapons, no bows, or arrows, no spears or guns, they were defenceless against the most powerful enemy they were ever going to face. All they could do was hide and wait for their parents to come, for you to come. He didn’t want you here, amidst all of this. He was terrified of the consequences of your fight, but a lot more so of the consequences of this fight. He wanted you as far away from it as possible, but he knew you better than to ask you, to expect that you would stay away. And deep within him, he was relieved. He could do this with you by his side. He needed you, as he always did, to be his light and show him the way out of this. No matter what changes between you, this never will.

You broke through the clouds and the Three Brothers Rock came swiftly into view, and it was impossible to not see the massive ship taking up most of your line of sight. You brought your hand to your radio and pushed the little button, hands trembling in fear and the adrenaline rushing through your veins.

“Devil Dog, I’ve got visual on the ship. I’m about one klick away south of it. I see a big ship, 5 boats, I see…fuck… I see Quaritch and Weinfleet on their ikran. Shit, shit. They got someone, it’s Lo’ak. And Tuk, and I think Tsireya. They’re bringing them to the ship. I’m going in.”

“No! Do not engage, do you read me, Quickscope? Do not engage. Sit on your ass, we’re a few minutes out.”

You growled loudly at Jake’s voice, not answering him. You pressed the other button on your second choker.

“Dad, do you read me? I’m about a klick away from the ship. Please make sure they don’t hurt the kids, please, dad. I’m waiting for Jake and the Metkayina to arrive. Stand by. Over.”

Gideon could only focus on your voice so much as he watched Quaritch drag 3 kids onto the ship, one of which was holding on for dear life to the net his siblings were caught in. As soon as Spider caught wind of the scene, he ran for dear life towards the door where they were, pushing anybody unlucky enough to stand in his way, and Gideon found himself running with him, trying to stop him, as well as having to see this for himself, having to make sure the kids will be alright. He recognised the boy and the little girl from the forest, and the man now knew they were called Lo’ak and Tuk. You spent a lot of your time last night talking about them, your almost maternal care for Tuk very obvious even in the short time you spent with him. Lo’ak was hissing at the men encircling him, threatening with a knife, that he had to know was futile against the army surrounding them.

“Stop, don’t hurt them!” He caught Spider and kept him back, to stop him from hurting himself and the others with his recklessness.

“Calm, kid.” He whispered as he held him. “Calm, we’ve got this.”

“Bro, you’re ok?”

“Yeah…great, cuz. Never better.” If he wasn’t so fucking tense, Gideon might have cracked a smile at the kid now laid flush on the ground, but still cracking jokes. He liked him.

“Get back to the bridge.” Gideon gave Spider to some of the humans all around them, as Quaritch dismounted from his ikran. “Keep him there!”

“Yeah… I remember you.” The boy was hissing in Quaritch’s direction, no fear or hesitation in his eyes. Either he was really brave, or really really dumb. Very often the line is very thin, Gideon thought.

“Tie them to the rail, all of them.”

All of a sudden, he was painfully aware of the weight of the knife tucked in a sheath on his waist, and Gideon knew he had to wait for the right time to be able to break the kids free and get them to safety. He wondered briefly if you were watching, if you were seeing what was happening, if you hated how your own father wasn’t doing anything yet.

Your thoughts were all scattered between worry for your siblings who you knew were currently on the ship, but you couldn’t see them anymore, too far away from any clear view, paralysing fear wondering where Neteyam was, and anxiety over having to wait for Jake and the Metkayina. You were circling the rocks, waiting, when you saw Neytiri on her Ikran. You sighed a big sigh of relief, and reached your fingers to your forehead when she spotted you. “I see you, sa’nok.”

You heard noises and ululating beneath you and finally saw the sea of orange Tsurak making their way toward the ship. Almost on command, you saw them all stop and fall in line. Jake…

You felt bad that the one thing he tried so hard to avoid, the one thing he didn’t want, the calamitous fight for his life, for his children’s life, for his family, has come with thunderous power, ready to overtake him, ready to overtake you all. You wondered if he was getting flashbacks to almost 20 years ago, wondered if you would too in 20 years after today, if you were to survive this. You came too close to death too many times, and watched people you love hug it tightly before willing it away, and you prayed over and over that death wouldn’t hold on to anyone you loved ever again, not for a long time.

“Jake.” A voice you have heard once before, enough to never want to hear it again, enough to give you nightmares sounded gravely in your ears. “Tell your friends to stand down. You want your kids back, you come out alone. You know better than to test my resolve.”

You hissed loudly and wanted to speak, but you knew he would be able to hear you, and right now you had an advantage, they didn’t know you were here, didn’t know you had an ikran.

“I took you under my wing, Jake. You betrayed me. You killed your own, good men, good women. I will not hesitate to execute your kid.”

It was clear to you right in that second that Quaritch did not play around, and he was not bluffing. His voice was unflinching, angry, seething and you knew he meant every word he said. Lo’ak… Tuk…

Fear was overtaking your every thought, overtaking the adrenaline fighting to keep you going. You were outnumbered, outgunned, and out-prepared. They had ships, helos, boats, machine guns, harpoons, grenade launchers. They had Ikrans, and they had the kids. You had no leverage that you could reasonably see. How were you ever going to get out of this alive? How were they going to get out of this alive?

Neteyam…

“Just… wait one.”

“Offer’s going to expire. What’s it gonna be?”

“Check your fire. I’m coming out.”

No. No. No.

You looked at Neytiri, confusion plastered all over her face, both of you just flying around aimlessly, waiting for your shot. Did she understand what was going on? Were there any words to explain it to her?

“Ma Jake, what is happening? Ma Jake?” Realisation hit and so did the tears, both of yours, softly trickling down her face, swimming painfully in your eyes.

Gideon watched Jake Sully make his way on the back of a fish, a very big fish. His nerves were eating him alive - what was he supposed to do? He was outnumbered, wildly outnumbered. Even if he managed to kill Quaritch and maybe Weinfleet, there were still half a dozen other Recoms, not to mention tens of soldiers in exo-suits. Maybe it would provide enough of a distraction, but it wouldn’t guarantee the kids getting out of here safely. The thoughts of going out in a blaze of glory, saving his daughter and her family intrigued him, but he couldn’t go without talking to you at least one more time. There was still so much to say. He had so much to learn. He still had so much to make up for.

Gideon had little time to continue his thoughts, as he felt the ship shake slightly, and he couldn’t help wonder for a second if they were getting caught in some sort of quake. His mind froze, as did his body, as the sight unfolding before him. The tulkun, breaching over the ship and landing on top of a few humans wearing exo suits while they screamed and tried to shoot it, to no avail. Shit way to go.

Mayhem emerged all around him, and he realised then this was his chance, when he saw Jake approaching the ship, the full force of the Metkayina close behind. He hurried back inside the ship, trying to make his way towards the middle pool, where most of the humans resided. He pulled out his knife and stabbed the soldiers posted in the doorway, whistling to Spider to follow him. He gave him the spare knife he had on him.

“Ready to get out of here, kid?”

Your breath hitched in your throat watching Payakan trash any and every enemy on sight, and knowing this was the chance you were waiting for, the opportunity of a lifetime, you wasted no time getting out the handgun that you were threatening your dad with just a few hours ago, now speeding at lightning speed in order to save his and the rest of your family’s life. God, how fast the night changes.

“Let’s go, sweet girl.”

Neyn let out a scream, and you joined, battles cries blending with the ones vocalised by Neytiri and the Reef Clan.

You bolted towards one of the airborne helos, willing Neyn to remove the shooter from the door with her massive claws, which stabbed him in the abdomen and dropped in the water. You barrel rolled in the air and came face to face with the pilot, which you shot straight in the head.

“Good girl.”

There wasn’t much you could do without your weapons, so after killing as many people as you could using Neyn as an extension of your own body, you settled for the big ship, knowing Lo’ak, Tuk, Tsireya, Spider and your dad still needed a way out. Your plans were quickly turned to dust when you spotted Weinfleet on his own ikran, barreling towards you, shooting at you with no end in sight. Let’s see if Tuk was right about me. “We’ve got this, girl.”

Neyn gracefully executed every command you gave her, dodging every bullet by the skin of your teeth, performing acrobatics you weren’t even sure you could, and you felt yourself becoming dizzy at the strenuous effort. You needed to save Neyn, no matter what, and the assault was unrelenting, and you felt yourself losing focus, which didn’t bode well for either of you.

Neyn, listen to me. When I jump, you go. Just get away and hide among the Three Brothers Rocks. I’ll call you when it’s safe. You felt restrain in her, pushing against your thoughts, against your wishes. She wanted to protect you, as much as you did her.

I’ll be alright, sweet girl. But I can’t be if anything happens to you.

Without a second thought, you undid your Tsaheylu and jumped in the water, bracing for the impact. You needed a second to adjust to the new environment, and tried to see if you could find an ilu anywhere. You called for one, all the while praying silently that Neyn got away safely. You avoided all the explosions and debris falling all around you, and got scared half to death when a blue form appeared swiftly, no doubt hearing your call. You almost gasped when you saw who it was, and had to try to settle your booming heart - Neteyam.

“Need a ride?” He signalled, smiling a small, sorrowful smile, one that despite everything, was still glowing and glorious, even here, underwater, even in these circumstances.

“Yes, please.”

His hand reached out for yours, and when you touched him, it felt like you came back to life. Like you would be alright. As long as his warm hand was holding yours, there was nothing you couldn’t overcome. You mounted the ilu behind him, and he placed his right hand on your thigh, holding you close, making sure you were secure. You wrapped your arms tightly around his torso and placed your head on his back, and for a second, just a second, it felt like all was good in the world again, and you were reminded again of how, whenever you were together, it felt like it was just the two of you, this whole world just your own personal playground.

He took off hurriedly, and you made your way to the ship, the mission at hand coming back into focus at full speed. The ship was moving away from you two, and Neteyam saw in shock how it got lifted from the water and then collapsed back on top of it, sending ripples all around you, making the ilu scared and jittery. He had to hurry. His hand tightened around your thigh, and the feeling of your body flush against him made his mind finally focus, his purpose clear as day again. He had to save you and his family. That was his purpose, has been his whole life. He was still so mad at you, so hurt and anguished at your seemingly unfixable problem, but right now, more than anything, he was just grateful you were here. Everything else can come later.

You tapped him on the shoulder and he saw you pointing upwards towards the surface, and he saw the side of the ship come into view. This was it. You held on tightly while the ilu launched out of the water and you both jumped, climbing onto the railings and right next to his siblings and Tsireya. He heard you let out a big gasp to let in the air you had to deprive yourself from underwater.

Tuk’s voice brought his attention back to the task at hand. “NETEYAM! SISTER!”

“Tuk-tuk, we’re here.” As you went to Tuk and Tsireya and let them loose using your knife, Netetam turned to Lo’ak.

“Hey, baby brother, you need some help?”

When his sister was unbound, Neteyam turned to you. “Get Tuk out of here.”

You scoffed, rolling your eyes. “Right, Neteyam.” He watched irately as you turned to Tsireya. “Get Tuk out of here.”

“Bro, HURRY UP!” He did as his brother asked, not being able to resist teasing him while at it. “Who’s the mighty warrior? Come on, say it.”

While Lo’ak was rubbing his wrists with his fingers, trying to alleviate some of the pain of being shackled, you picked up an SMG from the floor and made sure it was loaded.

“Finally. It’s like I was missing an arm back there.”

“Come on, let’s go.” Neteyam was turning to leave, needing to be rid of this place as soon as humanly possible.

“You guys go ahead. I have to find my dad.”

Neteyam saw Lo’ak give you a strange look, and he realises that his baby brother didn’t know, nobody knew about the meeting between you and your dad. Neteyam still didn’t know what happened at that meeting, but something had to, if you were willing to risk your life for him. Lo'ak turned back towards his brother.

“And they got Spider. We have to get him. Come on.”

“No, Lo’ak. You go. I will get Spider and my dad. I don’t want you here.”

Neteyam gave you both a hard look, growling at the insanity of what you were asking of him, of each other, of yourselves.

“Sullys stick together.”

You made your way through the ship that was slowly sinking, killing anybody that stood in between you and your goal. You were trained for this, you were ready. You didn’t like killing, didn’t revel in it, but as you came face to face with the men that willingly or unwillingly killed the tulkun and her calf, that took your family hostage, that were threatening everything you held dear to your heart, there was no hesitation in your aim, in your resolve. You went first, Lo’ak followed and Neteyam was last, gun in hand, covering your six o’clock. You were a bundle of nerves thinking of the two, worrying for them. You didn’t want them here, you wanted to know them safe and away from all of the dangers lurking on every corner of this ship, but you also understood that if the situation was reversed, you would have never left them, either. You were all in this together, have been since your birth.

You were crawling on top of the bars connecting the ceiling of the ship, trying to stealth your way through the more populated area, until you saw your dad and Spider, fighting half a dozen guys in exo suits. You dropped on the floor, shooting a couple in the head and you watched as Neteyam and your dad took care of the other four.

“Kid!”

“Spider!”

Your dad came to you and cupped your face in his large hand, the other one checking for any injuries. He held you at arms length and turned you around and looked at your back, your abdomen, your arms. You felt tears pooling in your eyes at the gesture, feeling your heart beating loudly in your chest. He was worried about you. Your dad was worried about you.

“You’re ok. Thank God you’re ok.”

You wanted to keep your distance, wanted to be harsh and aloof, but the weight of everything that you were going through came crashing down on you like a badly timed wave that crushed you under its weight, and you felt yourself closing the gap and giving him a hug.

“Dad!” You heard his gasp and he took in the interaction, and you felt his arms circling you, wrapping them around your back and reciprocating the hug that you have both needed all your lives.

“I’m here, kid. I’m here.”

It took a while for the next few moments to register in your mind. You heard a noise, and as you opened your eyes previously buried in your father’s chest, you saw a big metal door push open and an outbreak of humans with guns came rushing in, shooting at you and your family. You heard the deep haunting noises of shots fired, of people screaming, you saw blood pouring out of the men’s faces, bodies, you felt your dad push you out of the way and turning around to finish the job and as your mind came back to you, your first thought was of Spider, Lo’ak and Neteyam, and you turned around to make sure they were all alright. Spider’s arm was grazed by a bullet and he was bleeding, and you screamed, hurrying to his side. The wound looked superficial, and relief washed over you. Neteyam and Lo’ak were fine. They were fine. They were fine.

A cough and a small thud were all you heard as you took in your family’s horrified looks. Your breath was shallow in fearful anticipation as you turned around, and saw blood pouring out of your dad’s mouth in short, saccadic bursts. You stood there, frozen in time and space, unable to think or move, unable to understand the clear situation displayed in front of you.

“Atan…”

“Angel! Do something!” Lo’ak was shaking you now, trying to get you out of your catatonic state, and at the sound of yet another cough and a big splatter of blood getting everywhere over your dad’s clothes, you felt something snap in you, and you rushed to his side, looking at the damage.

No. No no no no. This wasn’t real. This couldn’t be real.

Your dad’s back took the bulk of the assault, and as you traveled your hand over his wounds and felt him wince slowly, felt his trembling body, you knew he didn’t have time. You knew then there was little you could do. Tears were spilling out your eyes and onto your wandering hands, and you knew that despite everything, you had to try. You had to try, because you needed time. He needed time. You just got him back. You needed time.

You took your knife from your waist and cut his ammo vest, jacket and shirt, exposing his back, that looked red and festering, blooding gushing out of every wound like an artisanal fountain. You needed to stop the bleeding, so you took the shirt he was wearing and cut it into strips, tightly wrapping them around him.

Think. Think. Think.

“Neteyam, help me tighten this. Keep him upright, I need to call for Neyn. I have supplies on her. I need to get him out of here.”

You heard loud thuds and shots fire at big metal doors on the other side, and you knew whatever was coming was even worse. They were about to break through, and you moved your dad behind cover, gun in hand, making sure to reload it. You didn’t know what to do, how to go about this, your entire being screaming for you to get your dad out of this burning, sinking hole and onto safe ground, where you could save him. You needed them all to leave - to live. You were scrambling for ideas, looking frantically all around you, when Neteyam came kneeling next to you, holding your face in his hands.

“You have to go. Now. Just go. Call Neyn and go, we have your back. We will meet you after.”

You shook your head violently, soft sobs escaping your parted lips.

“I can’t leave you. I can’t.”

“Yes, you can. We can do this, Atan. I taught you everything you know, remember? We can do this. We’ll cover for you, when I tell you it’s safe, you and your dad go through those doors and leave. We’ll be right behind you as soon as this is over.”

Loud bangs were interrupting your already scattered thoughts, and without further arguing, you nodded.

“Neteyam, I’m…-“

His lips smashed aggressively into yours, and you cried in the kiss, pouring your overwhelming emotions into it, into him, pouring the unspoken apologies and love you wanted to shout at the top of your lungs, but couldn’t.

“I know. Me too. We’ll talk. When I say, you go. Deal?”

“Deal.”

You turned to your dad, hand scrambling to erase the tears mercilessly falling down your face.

“Can you do this, dad?” He nodded, deep pain clear all over his face while he tried to position himself so he would be able to run at Neteyam’s signal.

Neteyam watched as two Avatars and enough humans with exo-suits that they were easily outnumbered pushed through the doors, guns blazing. He looked at your meek, exhausted form, drenched to the elbows in your dad’s blood, and he couldn’t help the sadness that enveloped him at the realisation you would have to watch your dad’s dead body once more in this lifetime, the Universe once again choosing you to bear the weight of this whole world on your shoulders, despite everything else you have had to endure. He was reeling at the hurt you were about to bear once again, at how much this was going to affect you, was going to undo all the healing you have worked so hard for. Why does everything have to happen to you?

He got his gun out and shot three of the men making their way towards them, and saw Lo’ak do the same. He wishes he had his bow and arrows - he was proficient with these guns, thanks to your help teaching them, but it still felt unnatural, wrong to him. He didn’t have time to be fussy about it, the problem in front of him much too important for such trivial matters. When he saw an opening as he shot yet another man, he shouted at you.

“NOW! Go go go!”

You got out onto the deck and let out a wailing cry, trying to summon your banshee that would have been waiting for your call. Soon enough, you saw her, flapping her wings majestically as she landed on the railing of the ship.

“Dad, you have to move, please. Please, I know it hurts, but I need you to try.”

You helped him as much as you could. He wasn’t speaking, just taking big breaths, trying to keep conscious. You could tell how well trained he was, what a soldier he had been. There was no sound coming out of him, no cry, no wail, no scream. Nothing, quiet as the dead of night as he suffered unimaginable pain and his almost nonchalant exterior made your torment even worse. It would be easier to digest if he was showing signs of suffering, but brave as he was - it all just made you feel worse, it made your heart ache so hard the broken shards were stabbing you from the inside out.

Eventually, you got him on Neyn and you took off, aiming for some of the rocks you could see in the distance. They were flat and tucked away from the fight still happening around you. Your mind was mush, being split in so many directions between your fear and hurt and the anxiety you felt thinking about your dad, about what you left behind on the ship, worrying yourself sick at the thought of Neteyam and your siblings fighting humans with metal armours protecting them, shooting to kill. Should you have stayed? Should you have left your dad on the ship and stayed with them and fight with them? It felt like an impossible choice either way, one you had no brain power to think about further without collapsing.

As soon as you landed, you got to work, dismounting him and placing him as gently as you could on the ground, hurrying back to your emergency medical bag, that you always, always had on your ikran, and placed it next to him.

As you hovered on top on him, getting supplies, you felt his hand wrap around your wrist, weakly, like he could barely manage even that.

“Kid… stop.”

Your bottom lips quivered, eyes glancing to his face. He looked…peaceful. Content. A small smile was adorning his beautiful face, now laced with sweat and blood and he squeezed your wrist to the best of his abilities.

“No. I can do this. I can save you.”

“You already have, kid. You have to stop now. It’s alright.”

You let out a pained sob, shaking furiously now.

“I just got you back. I can do this. Please.”

“I grew up rich, did your mum ever tell you that? My parents were big shots back in the States, and I grew up going to the fanciest places, the best prep schools. I got accepted into Harvard early, about 2 years before I had to graduate, and I was on my way to continuing my dad’s…legacy, if you can call it that.” You listened attentively to his words, trying to absorb everything you could about this man you found and were about to lose again in the span of one day. “My mother, bless her, she was…a kind woman. Too kind. She was weak and was too scared to ever stand up to my dad. He was a bad man. A very bad man. I watched as he beat my mother my whole life, and watched as he did the same to me until I was old enough to stand up for myself. I was 13 when I smashed a bottle of Armagnac across his face. He told his business partners it was a skiing accident. I was a coward, for so long. I wanted to leave, so badly, I would have taken off at 13 if I could, but my mother did not want to leave, refused to leave no matter what, and I didn’t want to leave her. I was scared of what would happen to her if I left.

She died, when I was 16. She killed herself. It’s fucked up, so fucked up, but when it happened…I was relieved. Because she didn’t have to suffer anymore - and neither did I. I left the day of her funeral, and never looked back.”

He was talking slowly, choking on every other word, his breathing shallow and weak, and by the noises he was making while he was inhaling, you knew his lung was collapsing.

“Dad… you need to keep your strength. You don’t have to say anything.”

“I do, kid. I do. I need to get this out. Please.”

“I joined the army, forged the documents to hide my age and that was that. I worked my way up and tried to make a new kind of legacy for myself. At first, I did it just to get away, but in time, I fell in love with the camaraderie of it. It felt for the first time in my life like I had a family. My squad was my family, and I would have done anything I could to save them, because they would have done the same for me. They were good people. My whole worldview changed. Everything. My desires and needs, my moral compass and principles. I knew nothing else.”

“I joined the army because I had to, because I had no other choice than to escape the hell I was brought in, the hell I carried with me everywhere I went. I joined the RDA because I had to do that, I had to try to save my daughter. I followed them into battle because it was my squad, it was the only truth I knew. My whole life, it felt like I had no choice. Like everything I did was cause it was forced upon me, cause I had to. But this, I can choose. I get to choose how I die this time. And I get to die for my daughter. I get to know my back, my body protected you from bullets that might have taken you out of this world, a world that needs you desperately.”

“No, dad…”

“I chose wrong the first time. I should have turned around at the first sight of the injustice, I should have joined your mother. I should have joined Jake. But I didn’t. I chose wrong, over and over. But now I get to choose right. And I am happy with that choice.”

“I am so sorry, kid. So sorry for everything you had to suffer in this life, so sorry for everything I contributed to it. All my life, all I wanted was to be everything my father wasn’t, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t be better. And I am so sorry. I wanted nothing more than to see you grow up. Nothing more than to have been there to teach you, be there to love you. But I am satisfied with knowing I get to see you live, see you love a good man, who clearly loves you and will cherish you forever. And when you’ll have your own children, they’ll know your dad was more than a cowardly runt. I love you, kid. You and Sarah are the best things I have ever done, and I am sorry I couldn’t do better. And a really long time from now, when you see your mother again, tell her I love her. That I love her more than life itself, and whatever eternity awaits for me, she will always be there to guide me through it.”

Your vision was blurred now, so many tears inundating your every sense, making a mess of your spinning world, swiftly falling apart around you. You saw his eyes flutter closed and he let out a final breath that felt like he had been holding in his whole entire life. Your hand went to his face, that you caressed gently.

“You tell her yourself, dad.”

Neteyam knew they couldn’t continue for much longer the way they were. They had to leave. No matter how much they were pushing back, more and more people swarmed in and he knew they were going to be overtaken soon. He needed an opening and he needed to get his siblings out of here. He poked his head out and shot a few more people and screamed at Lo’ak, who was more than holding his own, hidden from view next to Spider thanks to a plank behind Neteyam. Neteyam couldn’t help be proud of his baby brother, who has blossomed into a great warrior, a great fighter, a good man in the storm.

“Lo’ak, Spider, we have to go. The door behind you, where she left through. You run when I tell you and jump straight in the water, am I clear?”

“Bro, you sound like dad.”

Neteyam pointed the gun without coming out from the cover and shot, firing as many bullets as possible, trying to cause the distraction needed for them to be able to run away. He didn’t think about anything else other than his baby brother when he screamed in their direction.

“GO GO GO!”

He continued firing until the last second, relieved when he saw the two boys jumping into water to safety, and then, trusting in his Na’vi skills, he ran as fast as his feet could carry him out the door, dodging the bullets landing all around him.

He heard it before he felt it. The squelching sound of flesh and blood, the muffled thud as the bullet pierced his skin and travelled across his body, the soft clink when it dropped from his chest onto the cold, hard floor of the ship. Then he felt it. Physical pain like he’s never experienced before, radiating and throbbing through his entire being. He could feel it in his throat, in his toes, at the tips of his fingers. He could feel his heart, pumping hard and fast, could feel the blood spilling out rhythmically, with every heartbeat that was so loud and clear, it was like his heart was exposed for the whole world to see. It might as well be, Neteyam couldn’t tell.

It all happened so fast, he felt his thoughts process in slow motion. He thought about you. You were always the first thought on his mind, but specifically now, specifically after he imagines you had to watch your dad die in front of you, had to put him down to sleep, just like you have your mother. The hurt he felt in his body was nothing compared to his soul, thinking about you needing to bury yet another loved one, you needing to say goodbye to him. He couldn’t do that to you.

“Neteyam, I can’t lose you. Losing you will kill me. It will break me worse than anything else I have ever gone through, and so you can’t die. Ever. And you can’t take stupid risks like that. I can’t lose you.”

“Neteyam, if you die, I will too.”

He had to live, he had to be ok, for you. For his brother, who would blame himself, as he always did, for his dad, who would also blame his brother. For his baby sister, who looked at him like a second father, like he was the mightiest warrior to ever live, who was much too young to have to understand what it truly means to be alive, how much loss you must go through in this life before you eventually lose yourself. He had to live for Kiri, who was sweet and gentle, and needed her big brother to be there for her when the world got a big too much for her liking. He had to live for his mother, who much like you, has lost too much, too soon, more than anyone ever should have to. His mother, who had to say goodbye to her whole world, there was no way she should have to say goodbye to her firstborn son.

He faintly recognised hitting the water, which did wonders for the wound that was being cleaned with every undulation and ripple, and he noticed the way it quickly turned from serene blue to ominous maroon. He heard Lo’ak call for an ilu and was surprised when Tsireya made her way to them, happy to have been reunited with her favourite new person.

“Get on.”

“Come on, bro.” Neteyam was struggling staying conscious already, feeling his mind slipping up at the continuous loss of blood.

Fuck. Come on. You can do this, Neteyam. You can do this. You can’t leave them. You can’t give up.

“Skxawng, I’m shot.” He heard nothing as deep silence enveloped his family swimming around him. Eventually, it all came clear into focus as Lo’ak cursed loudly, asking for Spider and Tsireya to help him onto the ilu. He tried to prop himself up behind his brother as best he could, and he saw Tsireya staying behind, saying something about Kiri and Tuk that Neteyam couldn’t process in his current state, not anymore.

Neteyam was heaving by the time they got to safety, unable to hear or understand anything around him, unable to focus on anything outside of his panted breaths and painful heartbeat, that was struggling to pump the blood that was still remaining in his body. The whole world was blurred and shaky and the only thought fluttering through him was you. Where were you? He needed you, needed you to tell him it was all going to be alright, needing his light to lead him out of the darkness quickly enveloping him and back to you, back to the forest and to your clearing, back to stolen glances and wishful touches, back to when the hardest part about his life was figuring out how he could ever resist you, how he would ever stop loving the beautiful, intelligent, incredible human girl that he could never have. He’d give anything to have that back, anything to make that his biggest problem. Because if he could go back, he would have never waited. He would have kissed you, like you wanted to be kissed, like Dean kissed Rory in that Gilmore Girls episode you loved. He would have confessed to you the first time he realised he was so irrevocably in love with you, in your bed, when you said his name in your sleep. He would have kept you and cared for you and eased your pain instead of adding to it, like he couldn’t help doing, despite his strenuous efforts otherwise.

If he could, he would tell you he forgives you, and he doesn’t blame you for the fight. He would go back and tell you that it bothered him months ago, and listened to you as you poured out your heart to him and the insecurities that plagued you, and you would have worked through it together in time. He would tell you how sorry he is, that this world and his upbringing made him the way he was, that he was unable to speak of the things that dwelled deep within his soul and nested there, festering and hurting until they exploded in him, and he exploded around you. He is sorry for all the wasted time, for the year you spent apart. He would tell you he’ll always regret calling you a coward, always regret leaving you in that meadow where you died, only to be found by his dad and not him. It should have been him. If he could, he’d scream that there’s nothing in this world that he would change when it comes to you, and this once-in-a-universe love you shared. He would tell you that despite the fights, and the struggles, and the messy past, and the unknown future, you will always be his most formidable happenstance, the best thing he has ever known, the person he has loved the most, and your eyes will always be the beacon he carries with him to whatever lies beyond.

No words came out.

You finished cleaning your father’s wounds and your own bloodied hands when you heard commotion in the near distance on a different rock, and watched in horror as Jake was helping up Lo’ak and Spider. You didn't even have time to process your loss, yet another loss, when you saw a body being carried to the shore, carefully, like it was delicate china; your whole body halted as you took the scene in, as you realised the body was Neteyam’s. Almost robotically, you got up and got on Neyn, silently telling her where to go. She did as you told her, and in no time you made it, dismounting midair, not being able to wait for the landing.

A second. That’s all it took for the world to fall apart around you, to burn to the ground, only the ashes of your past, present and future remaining. Just a second to see your mate’s shaking body, his family circling him, kneeling next to him. A second to hear Jake telling Lo’ak to put pressure on the wound, a second to see that blood was pouring out at both the entry and the exit point of the bullet, meaning it passed through his whole body. A second to realise the bullet was just above his heart, which meant it probably hit his aorta or pulmonary artery, in which case he would be bleeding out in front of your eyes, with nothing you can do to stop it - yet again.

A second for your whole life to flash before your eyes, for every one of the million moments you spent together to appear in front of you like a film reel on a screen. Sleeping in the same crib from when he was born, just a couple of months after you. Sharing food as babies, throwing it at each other, feeding each other. Wearing his little loincloth as a toddler so you could sleep peacefully when he wasn’t there. Tugging at his little braids because they sounded pretty when the wind blew the beads in them against each other. Your first peck on the lips when you were both six as your parents laughed and said in another life, in a different life, you were meant to be together forever, that you were soulmates. Your first hike when you were 8, when he taught you how to climb trees and caught you when you fell from a couple meters up, straight into his much bigger body. His ninth birthday when you worked really hard to bake him a human cake, but you put salt instead of sugar and he still ate it and told you it was delicious because he didn’t want to let you down - he never touched human food afterwards, though. Giving you the bracelet when you were ten, that you subconsciously raised your hand to feel right now, still tightly wrapped around you, like it always was. The day he left. The day he came back. Your first sleepover, the first night you looked at his lips and wondered what they would feel like against yours. Your first actual kiss, angry and passionate. Every one of your subsequent kisses, that you could see each of, along with every hug, every cuddle, and touch of the hand, every look of love and adoration, every night buried in each other. You saw it all. One second.

“Atan.” His shaky, breathy voice pulled you out of your nightmare and into a fresh one, but you woke up and moved next to him. You had to do this, no matter how badly your entire being was telling you to run, telling you that if you watched him die, you would never in your life recover, you would never live again, you had to do this. You would never forgive yourself if you left right now. He needed you. You were his light, he's always told you as much; he needed you. You placed your hand on his wounds and pressed on it, and you felt his hand wrap around yours.

“I’m here. I’m here. Just stay with me, please. I can fix this. I can fix it.”

He tried to smile a little, but a grimace was the most he managed.

“It’s alright, Atan. I want to go home.”

No.

NO.

NO!

You were deep in thought, doing the math for all the solutions you were trying to make for the next steps in your set of experiments when you heard the door slide open. You paid no mind to it, as it was most likely one of the scientists and you didn’t want to lose track of all the hard work you have put in so far. It turns out, no matter how hard Max and Norm tried, math never came easy to you, and you felt cheated by how much of it you had to do for biological experiments. When a tiny groan came out from somewhere near the door, your eyes shot up to the voice you recognised better than your own and dropped the pen where you saw Neteyam standing there, blood pouring out of a wound on his chest.

“Oh, my God!” You rushed to his side, instantly forgetting about the thing you’ve spent the last hour trying to figure out, and tried to pull him towards the nearest chair. It was pointless, your effort, as his body, almost twice as large as yours and about ten times stronger, was still, no matter how hard you pushed. “Move, Neteyam.”

“Stop worrying, Atan. It’s not that bad.” You blushed a little, the nickname that he gave you recently still fresh in your mind, still sending butterflies everywhere in your body. Light. He thought of you as his light. How were you supposed to be friends when he called you his light?!

“You skxawng, how did you manage to do that?” He sat down at last, groaning as the cold surface made contact with his bare thighs. You were out of your mind with worry, still not used to it, even after all this time, him going off on dangerous scouting and hunting missions and crawling back to you like this, bloody and bruised and in need of medical attention. He never went to Mo’at. He came to you. You wondered why that is. It couldn’t be cause he believed in the miracle of science more than his own grandmother, his Tsa’hik, so it must be something else.

“I hunted, it hunted back.” You rolled your eyes at his desire to always keep these things from you, still thinking he’s protecting you from the outside world, from the dangers lurking on Pandora, like if he did, you would maybe be more likely to go out with him, instead of spending your entire life in this lab.

“I thought you said you were going to be more careful.”

“I was careful, Atan. These things happen at hunting parties.”

“Sure… it almost seems like they always happen to you. I’m starting to think you like the feel of the stitches on your skin.”

He blushed a little and you raised an eyebrow. What’s that about?

“Let me go grab my stuff. I hope you know you have contaminated my work space and will now have to spend the rest of the day disinfecting everything, so you better be in a lot of pain.”

He laughed, wincing a little as the action made his wound hurt more. You hurried, grabbing everything you need to patch him up, as you always did.

He stood in silence as you worked, looking at you, which made the pounding in your ear, a mirror of your racing heartbeat, painful and impossible to ignore. You cleaned his wound and scratches on his arm, tracing his stripes, more pronounced than any other Omatikaya you’ve seen. It reminded you of Earth tigers, so majestic, so regal.

“What are you thinking about?” He pulled you out of your reflections with his soft, deep voice and it was your cheeks felt hot, knowing you couldn’t possibly tell him the truth.

“I was thinking that this wound on your chest is going to take forever to stitch if you don’t want a massive scar, so you better take a deep breath from that mask and settle in. We’re going to be here awhile.”

He didn’t look too upset about it.

It took a long time, but eventually you stitched everything that needed stitching, proud of your handy work, happy to know he will heal fine and there will not be anything marring his beautiful skin when this was over. You looked at him, and your eyes fell on his face, so close to yours, at the same level as yours as he was, plopped onto the chair, and then you noticed the gash on his lower lip, gulping loudly when you realised you had to treat that too. He looked at you curiously, and at your hands which were looking for some antiseptic cream.

You didn’t look at him as you took a clean gauze, dipped it in water and gently applied pressure on the wound, that had dried blood all over it. You worked in silence, praying he couldn’t hear the thumping of your heart and how you kept having to swallow every few seconds. You applied the cream on his lip using your hand, and patted it down slowly.

“Don’t lick your lips for a while, or you’ll take this off and the moisture will only make it worse.” You started turning around, needing a little space, but he caught your small wrist in his hand, arresting it in midair.

“Thank you. Don’t know what I’d do without you.”

You smiled at him, grateful for his presence in your life - now and always. Your eyes fell on his and then travelled to his lips, and your mouth opened slightly in need. You were both just sitting there, looking at each other, feeling things you had no business feeling, and when the pressure, the shift in the air was so intense it was palpable, you slowly lowered your arm and he let go. This couldn’t happen.

You didn’t want this to continue being as awkward as it currently was, so you smiled again, your voice barely above a whisper.

“You’ll never have to find out.”

“But next time, I am doing this with no anaesthesia, so you better think twice before you get yourself hurt again.”

“As long as you are there to heal me, I will always be alright.”

“NETEYAM! NETEYAM!”

Neytiri’s wails were punching holes in your whole body, each one bloodier than the last. The final blow came from his eyes, vacant and glossed over. You looked at your hands, tightly placed on Neteyam’s now still, unmoving chest, drenched in his blood. You looked at his now cold hand, which let your wrist go and fall to the ground, and you felt empty.

Taglist (thank you ily x) @changing7 @erenjaegerwifee @im-in-a-pansexual-panik @winchestertitties @puffb4ll @rebeccao03 @ultimatebluff @cottoncandy23 @zaddyneteyamlovergirl @n3t3y4msm4t3 @loquatious-josephi-krakousky @eternallyvenus @fresh-new-yoik-watah @lu-the-ghost-reader @@miawastakens @mm0thie @fanboyluvr @amortencjja

287 notes · View notes

ecoamerica · 2 months

Text

youtube

Watch the American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 now: https://youtu.be/bWiW4Rp8vF0?feature=shared

The American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 broadcast recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by active climate leaders. Watch to find out which finalist received the $50,000 grand prize! Hosted by Vanessa Hauc and featuring Bill McKibben and Katharine Hayhoe!

16K notes · View notes

koocycle · 11 months

Note

oh my god, OVER WINEEEESJHDHSJAJBSHDHSHWJWLALALAOWIWDYIDE !!!!!!!!!!ive been in a fanfic reading slump all these months and your fic got me going 😭 ive seen the teaser for this long ago and i remember feeling so excited for it to come out. i was so THRILLED to see part 1 finally posted!!

also can i just say that i would d word for miss y/n and I WILL STAND BY HER SIDE AND I HOPE SHE DOESNT GO WITH HIM ON THAT TRIP AND I PERSONALLY HOPE U MAKE JUNGKOOK SUFFER BCAUSE GOD WAS HE JUST A MANIPULATIVE ASSHOLE THE ENTIRE THING (the whole time i was just thinking GOD HES SUCH AN ASS CAN SHESERVE THEIR DIVORCE PAPERS) i really felt for yn bcs i could imagine being known as just the "wife of" must be so miserable. i was so happy for her when she did that shoot with Tae, u could really tell she loves modelling and i truly hope she pursues it in this fic 🥲🥲 oh goshhh i love her so much. i didn't like jungkook AT ALL in this part but im sure he would get like a character arc or something on the later parts bcs even tho atp i want them to divorce lol i still think their issues could be sorted out. (i actually kind of teared up a little bit on the first s*x scene on the table when jk asked her "are u gonna miss me" and then she thought "i miss you everyday" but didn't say anything instead it was so emotional for some reason. miss ma'am just wants her husband to come back to her but idiot prick over here thinks everything can be solved thru his money. oh god i hope he realizes that him being an overly workaholic is not doing any good in their relationship)

anyway YOU DID SO WELL!!! i love your writing I ATE THAT 35K-ISH WORDS UP IN ONE GO thank you for sharing your work with us!! hope you're having a great day ♥️

respect for you reading 37k in one go because i literally texted @latetaektalk nobody was gonna read this long ass dready fic but!! you did eat that up!! thank you bb 🤍

imagine nobody seeing you as anyone other than the wife of, and apparently being seen like that by your husband as well. especially when you look at the way he’s trying to show her off left and right. i get it was a very stressful chapter because they both just did and said things that made you want to slap some sense into them!! let’s just hope for the best and pray for the sake of their relationship that they’ll be working on themselves in the following chapters… also! that dialogue in that particular sex scene is one of my favorites!!! god that was so much fun to write and soso angsty

#inbox: over wine

2 notes · View notes

incorrectchoniberonicaswangs · 5 years

Text

hey baby won't you look my way (i can be your new addiction)

Chapter 7: gays you ever just ahsnfdjsl?? part 1

Chapter Summary: Holiday parties are planned, Cheryl and Toni are Kevin's sapphic moms, an intervention is held, Alice and Hermione are adorable and everyone loves them, Kangs has some news, and Sweet Pea runs away from his problems.

Notes: theMANtle: reggie

ao3

Friday, 3:17 PM

gays united

hbicheryl: its winter break!! finally a respite from the chaos!!

jugheadalones: im so excited!

hbicheryl: hold up, hobo is excited about something??

hisshissmotherfucker: ^^ jones are you sick

jugheadalones: okay, first of all fuck you

jugheadalones: second of all im excited to return to the near-comatose state i maintain every time we have a long period of time off from school

nopeaz: that makes more sense

veroffica: as enjoyable as that likely is to you, holden caulfield, it won't be happening this break. i'm hosting a christmas eve party at the pembrooke starting at 8:00 pm and you are all invited.

veroffica: and you'd better all show up, or else i'll sic my new bodyguard on you.

goingtoheller: i assume you mean betty.

wannabett: guilty :/

spillthefogarTEA: ill be there. and NOT because of your threats

spillthefogarTEA: even though betty is kind of intimidating

goingtoheller: i'll come as well.

nopeaz: cher and ill come too

hisshissmotherfucker: i love parties im there

jugheadalones: i dont suppose i really have a choice do i?

wannabett: not really. sorry jug

jugheadalones: fine.

hbicheryl: speaking of holiday parties

hbicheryl: new years eve party, thistlehouse, time tbd, if you arent there youre dead to me

veroffica: b and i will be there.

spillthefogarTEA: me too

goingtoheller: i'll be there.

hisshissmotherfucker: i hear cheryls parties are infamously dramatic

hisshissmotherfucker: so im definitely coming

hisshissmotherfucker: as long as i dont end up doing seven minutes in heaven with archie like veronica

veroffica: will nobody ever let me forget that??

hisshissmotherfucker: nope

jugheadalones: why do all these party invites come with threats of retribution if you dont attend?

hbicheryl: bc if there wasnt then youd never come

jugheadalones: ill come. begrudgingly.

nopeaz: and ofc ill be there obviously

jugheadalones: wait am i missing something? why is that obvious?

hbicheryl: oh right we didnt tell you lol

hbicheryl: tt moved in with me

goingtoheller: WHAT??

goingtoheller: my sapphic moms moved in together aND I HAD NO FUCKING IDEA??

hisshissmotherfucker: why is keller suddenly chonis kid when did this happen??

hbicheryl: please kevin is basically toni and i's love child

hbicheryl: he has my sass (well not as good as mine but hes trying), my gayness, and my strange desire for dumbass serpents

nopeaz: and my propensity for saying 'this is riveting i cant breathe'

goingtoheller: aw, thanks, moms! mostly! :)

nopeaz: no problem son

hbicheryl: yes we are very proud of you kev (mostly)

jugheadalones: huh i never actually thought about it but that... works?

wannabett: okay cheryl and toni are like the least qualified people here to be anyones lesbian moms?? theyre literally gang members??

hbicheryl: stfu nightmare smurfette do not EVER criticize my parenting skills

hbicheryl: toni and i have slaved for weeks, even MONTHS to make sure that kevin turns into a proper young gay man

hbicheryl: and you have the AUDACITY to suggest that just because my gf and i are deeply flawed people we would corrupt poor kevin??

wannabett: uh... no?

hbicheryl: thats what i thought

nopeaz: wow angry cheryl is scary but hot

spillthefogarTEA: topaz, you are so whipped

spillthefogarTEA: and REALLY fucking gay

nopeaz: yeah ik

jugheadalones: moving on

jugheadalones: speaking of people taking a big step and deciding to live with each other... betty and veronica, we need to talk.

veroffica: um... what?

veroffica: is this some sort of intervention?

hisshissmotherfucker: yes

spillthefogarTEA: moving in together might be considered friendly if, say, betty didnt already have a house that she lives in

nopeaz: but this decision is beyond simple friendship

hbicheryl: and its certainly anything but heterosexual

wannabett: why are you guys finishing each others sentences?? did you plan this??

hisshissmotherfucker: no shit sherlock

veroffica: how do you guys even have this information??

goingtoheller: we have our ways.

wannabett: archie somehow saw our texts through my window

wannabett: jughead told me last night, sorry i didnt tell you v, i didnt know that this was going to happen

nopeaz: dammit jones why do you have to ruin all our fun!!

jugheadalones: i didnt realize that this was a rule?

jugheadalones: so anyway

jugheadalones: b&v, now that you have been confronted with cold hard proof of your undying love for each other, what do you have to say for yourselves?

wannabett: guys im straight!!

goingtoheller: ooh, betty's pulling the straight card.

hbicheryl: i called it! tt, sp, fangs, and jughead, you all owe me $10

hbicheryl: cousin betty is nothing if not predictable in the face of her sexuality being questioned

veroffica: hey, you made bets on this?? not cool!

wannabett: ^^^^

wannabett: and i am NOT predictable!!

hbicheryl: i predicted she was going to say that

hbicheryl: thats another $10 guys

hisshissmotherfucker: for once i trusted in someones willingness to admit when they were wrong and now because of that cheryl is robbing us blind! smh never again

spillthefogarTEA: veronica? you never answered the question

veroffica: uh...

veroffica: i mean, um...

veroffica: we've never even kissed! i'm pretty sure we aren't dating!

nopeaz: to be fair though i wouldnt be surprised if you two were dating without knowing it

veroffica: guys, now really isn't a good time.

jugheadalones: mmmhmm

wannabett: no seriously v and i are getting ready for the christmas eve party

wannabett: its in three days remember

hbicheryl: ugh fine i suppose thats a reasonable explanation

veroffica: and since i know that you won't let this go, at the party you can ask us whatever you want about this.

goingtoheller: wait... for real?

wannabett: uh yeah really v??

veroffica: within reason, of course.

spillthefogarTEA: wow this is more than i expected to come from this

veroffica: one condition, though. you can't pester b and i about it before the party.

veroffica: deal?

hisshissmotherfucker: deal

wannabett: now that thats settled v and i are going to get to work

veroffica: we'll probably be off the grid until maybe a few hours before the party.

[wannabett is offline]

[veroffica is offline]

hbicheryl: toni and i are already headed over to pops, anyone want to join us?

jugheadalones: wont we just be three-wheeling?

hbicheryl: not if we are in a large group

hisshissmotherfucker: ill come if you come jones

jugheadalones: sure.

hisshissmotherfucker: ill be there in five

[hisshissmotherfucker is offline]

jugheadalones: kevin, fangs?

spillthefogarTEA: im good

goingtoheller: ^^

nopeaz: okay otw

[nopeaz is offline]

[hbicheryl is offline]

jugheadalones: leaving now

[jugheadalones is offline]

6:35 PM

nopeaz: GUYS YOULL NEVER BELIEVE WHO JUST WALKED IN

spillthefogarTEA: who is it??

spillthefogarTEA: tell me you know im not good with suspense!!

jugheadalones: its alice cooper and hermione lodge!

hisshissmotherfucker: it seems as though archies intel was correct again

hisshissmotherfucker: damn that omniscient fucking northsider

hbicheryl: now i really wish that betty and veronica werent offline so they could hear about this

goingtoheller: why? do you hate them?

hbicheryl: hate is a strong word

hbicheryl: id say that i just occasionally want them to suffer

goingtoheller: that isn't much better...

hbicheryl: i guess ill just have to wait until the party to tell them

nopeaz: okay so they just got a booth and its basically diagonal from ours

jugheadalones: but theyre so enamoured with each other i dont think they even noticed that were here

hbicheryl: wow i dont think ive ever seen aunt alice this happy before

spillthefogarTEA: ugh this sounds so adorable i wish i was there

hisshissmotherfucker: dont worry well narrate their every movement so well itll be like you are

nopeaz: oh shit they keep reaching for each other like every five seconds

spillthefogarTEA: im WEAK

jugheadalones: its so hard to believe that they ever hated each other with the way theyre acting now

jugheadalones: homophobia can really fuck shit up huh

goingtoheller: this is the couple i never knew i needed, but now that i have seen that it's possible, i'm in love.

hisshissmotherfucker: im in shock i cant believe that the same alice cooper that grounded her daughter from any and all contact with the outside world is now just essentially the personification of heart eyes

hbicheryl: this town is so small were all basically inbred

hbicheryl: next thing you know fp and fred are going to be fucking too

jugheadalones: okay i did NOT need that image

nopeaz: AHHHH THEY WENT IN FOR A KISS MAYDAY MAYDAY THIS IS NOT A DRILL

spillthefogarTEA: AHHHHH

goingtoheller: AHHHHHHH

nopeaz: AHHHHHHH

jugheadalones: even i, being asexual and aromantic, have to admit that im loving living vicariously through these two

hisshissmotherfucker: k so they stopped

hisshissmotherfucker: wait no theyre kissing again!

hisshissmotherfucker: and again!

hisshissmotherfucker: okay now theyre just making out

nopeaz: get it girl(s)

hbicheryl: its getting pretty heated

hbicheryl: it feels like the windows are going to start fogging up

jugheadalones: oh damn they stopped

jugheadalones: ms cooper is waving pop over now

goingtoheller: is it creepy that we're so invested in their date?

spillthefogarTEA: probably not

hisshissmotherfucker: nah

jugheadalones: lets go with no

nopeaz: nope

hbicheryl: its only creepy if we get turned on

goingtoheller: moving on... what's happening now??

nopeaz: they got the check and now theyre paying

nopeaz: they can barely keep their hands off of each other

nopeaz: now theyre leaving

nopeaz: should i follow them to keep narrating?

goingtoheller: won't they notice??

jugheadalones: no theyve only got eyes for each other

jugheadalones: follow them SUBTLY while we hold down the table

nopeaz: roger that

hbicheryl: youre such a nerd

nopeaz: you love it

hbicheryl: duh

hbicheryl: now follow them!!

nopeaz: already doing it

nopeaz: so they made it to their car

nopeaz: okay wow wasnt expecting that but im not complaining

spillthefogarTEA: whats happening???

nopeaz: alice just shoved hermione up against the car door and now theyre hardcore making out

nopeaz: damn i wonder if theyre even going to get home or if theyre just going to do it in the parking lot

hisshissmotherfucker: i cant believe alice cooper and mayor lodge BOTH have better sex lives than i do wtf

goingtoheller: who knew that hermione lodge was such a bottom??

hbicheryl: well you know what they say about people in positions of power

hbicheryl: top in the streets bottom in the sheets

jugheadalones: wait cheryl that could apply to you as well

spillthefogarTEA: ooh is the class president getting the strap from the vice president

nopeaz: fuck off fangs

nopeaz: okay so they finally managed to regain some semblance of control

nopeaz: aaaaand theyre driving away

nopeaz: shows over folks

hbicheryl: lets clear out men

nopeaz: meet me by the bike cher

hbicheryl: be there in a sec babe xx

jugheadalones: wait are you telling me that cheryl blossom rode a motorcycle??

hisshissmotherfucker: yeah red i thought you said they were death traps

hbicheryl: well yeah but that was before i got on it

hbicheryl: its like a giant vibrator

hbicheryl: and riding it with toni is basically just the most acceptable type of public sex

goingtoheller: gross.

hisshissmotherfucker: never thought id agree with keller but yeah tmi

nopeaz: whatever

nopeaz: bye fuckers see you all at veronicas party

[nopeaz is offline]

[hbicheryl is offline]

jugheadalones: im headed out too

[jugheadalones is offline]

hisshissmotherfucker: me too

[hisshissmotherfucker is offline]

Monday, 6:43 PM

wannabett: b&v are back bitches!!

veroffica: and, looking through the chat from the past few days... i'm glad i was gone.

wannabett: although now i know what 'hot date' my mom was talking about :/

wannabett: even though i never wanted to know

wannabett: some things are best kept secret especially when your mom goes out on a date with your best friends mom!!

hbicheryl: youre welcome :)

veroffica: cheryl, at this very moment, i simultaneously respect, despise, and fear you.

hbicheryl: aw thanks thats what im always going for!

veroffica: anyway, the party will be starting in an hour or so, but some of my relatives will be over in the meantime. if you've got anything to say that doesn't involve the date my mom and betty's mom have, feel free. if you don't, go to hell.

hisshissmotherfucker: hey im in the neighborhood and i dont have anything else to do would you mind if i came over now

veroffica: sure thing!

hisshissmotherfucker: are you sure your relatives will be fine with me being there?

veroffica: yeah. i mean, betty's here too anyway!

hisshissmotherfucker: k

6:48 PM

goingtoheller + veroffica

goingtoheller: hey, would you happen to have some time you could set away during the party? fangs and i have an announcement we'd like to make.

veroffica: sure thing, kev. how does around 10 sound?

goingtoheller: perfect. thanks, v!

veroffica: no problem.

7:22 PM

gays united

hisshissmotherfucker: rn betty looks like she cant decide whether to be a guard dog or an excited puppy lmao

jugheadalones: context?

hisshissmotherfucker: veronicas greeting her relatives and bettys following her so closely shes practically stepping on her heels

goingtoheller: well, v is definitely holding betty's leash.

nopeaz: yeah veronicas got her by the collar

spillthefogarTEA: if betty doesnt watch her step then shes really going to be in the doghouse

wannabett: stop with the dog puns!! i am not a dog!!

hbicheryl: okay but you have to admit those were pretty good

wannabett: i will admit no such thing! now if youll excuse me im going to go back to talking to ronnies relatives with her

[wannabett is offline]

hisshissmotherfucker: i guess ill keep you all informed on their gay shenanigans

nopeaz: who even says shenanigans anymore??

hisshissmotherfucker: uh i do fight me

nopeaz: square up bitch

hbicheryl: if i had a dollar for every time tt and sp said that they were going to fight i would have enough money to rebuild thornhill

goingtoheller: cheryl, you're the one who burned it down in the first place.

hbicheryl: yes and??

goingtoheller: ...nevermind.

hisshissmotherfucker: im snoRTING

jugheadalones: what happened?

hisshissmotherfucker: so veronica was talking to one of her relatives right

hisshissmotherfucker: and the relative asks her if she has a boyfriend

hisshissmotherfucker: veronica laughs a little and says no so her relative looks at betty whos still trailing behind her like a shadow

hisshissmotherfucker: and knowingly says "oh i see, a girlfriend"

spillthefogarTEA: ajklfshagak i cant even

hisshissmotherfucker: both of them are sputtering uncontrollably unable to formulate a response im dying

hbicheryl: ahahah it was only a matter of time before something like this happened but im really glad it did

nopeaz: i mean relatives are supposed to know you better than anyone else right?

jugheadalones: oh b&v you oblivious wlw

goingtoheller: we're never letting them let this down, are we?

spillthefogarTEA: not a chance

hisshissmotherfucker: IT GOT BETTER

hisshissmotherfucker: veronica finally managed to speak and she (unconvincingly) insisted that she and betty were just friends etc etc and her relative just raised her eyebrows and went "mmhm"

nopeaz: drag themmmmm

hbicheryl: omg we stan

hisshissmotherfucker: im trying to stifle my laughter bc betty and veronica look like they want to murder me

hisshissmotherfucker: but you know what screw it its worth it

hisshissmotherfucker: oh shit bettys coming over here and she looks pissed

hisshissmotherfucker: hello punks, this is betty. i hope youve had your fun listening to sweet pea narrate everything but now im taking his phone and wont be giving it back until the party starts

[hisshissmotherfucker is offline]

jugheadalones: awww

goingtoheller: at least the party starts soon anyway. then, i'm sure we'll get even more beronica fodder.

jugheadalones: true

hbicheryl: see you then losers

spillthefogarTEA: back at ya cheryl

7:48 PM

nopeaz: cher and i are on our way

goingtoheller: fangs and i are leaving now.

jugheadalones: and im at your door at this very moment

jugheadalones: let me in

jugheadalones: okay great im in

hisshissmotherfucker: and i just got my phone back

hisshissmotherfucker: i will not stand for this tyranny! this is a republic not a monarchy!

wannabett: keep it up and im taking your phone back

hisshissmotherfucker: the oppression continues...

wannabett: sweet pea...

hisshissmotherfucker: fine

[hisshissmotherfucker is offline]

veroffica: now, let's get this party started!

10:03 PM

spillthefogarTEA: hey guys i know this is fun and exciting and all but would you mind congregating out in the living room? ive got some news

hisshissmotherfucker: anything for my best bro

jugheadalones: sure thing

10:07 PM

hisshissmotherfucker + theMANtle

hisshissmotherfucker: hey mantle are you free rn

theMANtle: yeah, you want me to come over to your trailer?

hisshissmotherfucker: yep im on my way there too

hisshissmotherfucker: see you in ten?

theMANtle: none of your friends will be there, right?

hisshissmotherfucker: nah theyre all still at veronicas party they wont even notice that im gone

theMANtle: not that im complaining, but why arent you?

hisshissmotherfucker: i needed a break

theMANtle: so you were hoping that i could help you blow off some steam? ;)

hisshissmotherfucker: that was the general idea

theMANtle: youre in luck, then. i currently have a lot of free time and what many call an impressive amount of stamina.

hisshissmotherfucker: perfect

[hisshissmotherfucker is offline]

10:15 PM

gays united

spillthefogarTEA: hey has anyone seen sweet pea? i could have sworn that i saw him before kevin and i made our announcement but now i cant find him anywhere

nopeaz: hes probably just in the bathroom or brooding in the corner somewhere

hbicheryl: dont worry about him just celebrate! youve officially got a new boyfriend!

spillthefogarTEA: "dont worry about him" have you MET me??

goingtoheller: babe, he probably just got bored and bailed.

goingtoheller: i know that he's your best friend, but he isn't who you're dating--i am. can't you forget about sweet pea for a little while and just relax?

spillthefogarTEA: i guess so

goingtoheller: great!

spillthefogarTEA: ill just text sp real quick and attempt to verify that hes still alive first

goingtoheller: whatever you need to do, fangs. i'll see you afterward.

10:19 PM

spillthefogarTEA + hisshissmotherfucker

spillthefogarTEA: hey sweets, i just wanted to make sure you didnt do anything stupid

spillthefogarTEA: i know that you arent kevins biggest fan, but youre my best friend and i dont want to lose you over him

spillthefogarTEA: i wish you were here to celebrate with me but i get it if you cant

spillthefogarTEA: please, just text me back whenever you see this to let me know that youre okay.

[spillthefogarTEA is offline]

10:41 PM

hisshissmotherfucker: thanks for being so understanding fangs but ngl i dont know if i can handle you dating keller

hisshissmotherfucker: i mean like you said

hisshissmotherfucker: we're best friends

hisshissmotherfucker: so i shouldnt have a problem with you going out with whoever you want

hisshissmotherfucker: but something about him just rubs me the wrong way

hisshissmotherfucker: sorry if that wasnt what you wanted to hear

[hisshissmotherfucker is offline]

Notes: Sorry, this was supposed to just be a long holiday chapter, but I had so many ideas I had to split it into two. Bear with me, please! Also, happy new year, gays! As 20gayteen comes to a close, I hope you find even more peace, prosperity, and (of course) bisexuality in 20biteen!!

48 notes · View notes

lanaarwenlazar · 6 years

Text

in honor of villain releasing and me starting it later today, here is a special insight into my brain in the form of the notes i made on my phone as i was reading monster last year, completely unedited (so with all my spelling mistakes and freakouts)

there are spoilers for monster, obviously

(keep in mind that i was very emotional about being back in the gone-universe, so don’t judge me lmao)

i ship malik and shade already. can’t habdle them they’re too cute

oh my god shade is basically a true crime fan, thanks i hate it

“WHATEVER MALIK DID IT GENERALLT SOMEHOW WORK” MY LOVE

...it will be interesting to see what people have to say about mg writing his first trans character

transphobic violence already, i think someone will have a problem with this chapter being called “the meet cute”

where

dekka

WHAT THE FUCK SHADE WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOURE INSANE

I WAS RIGHT BY THE WAY THE MOVIE SUCKED AND WAS A BAD IDEA AND I HOPE ASTRID AND SAM ARE SUFFERING AND HAVE NO FRIENDS

nooo dekka sweetie :(((

oh my god a dekka chapter what if we get updates on everyone i’m not ready

dekka is broke no :(((

but she drives a motorcycle i’m so in love

dekka has a cat. marry me

“Of those three hundred thirty-two kids, fifty-one developed one supernatural power or another. Only nineteen of you developed major powers and survived. And of these nineteen, seven have since developed serious psychological disorders” NO MY KIDS IM CRYING

“Lana Lazar spent time in a mental health facility” eeelp

“I know, she’s a friend of mine. She’s fine now.” THEY ARE FRIEND.jzoddbfb

“Others’ like Sam Temple, the supposed hero of the fayz, have had-”

HAVE HAD WHA TOM??!!!?!

“’Supposed hero?’ Screw you. You don’t disrespect Sam Temple where I can here it.” I’m 😭😭😭😭😭😭

sam was in rehab has an alcoholic kill me

and he’s on the wagon sober for sixteen months ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

DEKKA REMEMBERINH BRIANNA KILL ME

Hey, Sam’s sober and Astird got her head screwed on straight so leave them out of this - dekka out there defending her people

MG in the online: edilio is the true hero of the fayz MG in the books: sam is the true hero of the fayz me: so what is the truth?

oh my god that just means edilio is still underappreciated

DEKKA WANTS SAM AND ASTRID TO GO TO COLLEGE WORK AND ONE DAY HAVE A BABY GIRL NAMED DEKKA WHAT THE FUCK SHOOT ME

Me @ me: mg loves edilio. he will be in here. mg loves edilio. he will be in here. mg loves edilio. he will be in here. mg loves edilio. he will be-

Four year old Sean is here to cause trouble

Cruz singing my love ❤️❤️

We’ve literally just met him and Justin DeVeere already sounds like a potential school shooter

also how dare mg give him the same name as justin roger’s little brother

He’s so disgusting yikes

I don’t understand what just happened and what erin and justin are up to but WHY do i feel like they just had sex so they could have a gaia-like baby

is justin turning into the hulk or orc

Justins arm is turning into a sword

Is justin turning into drake...

Or orc/britney? Orc/britney/justin?

If Aristotle Arno Adamo is anything like Ari from Aaddtsotu i already love him

oh he’s not

Armo is the Quinn of Monster pass it on

Will Quinn be mentioned in this book?

“Armo was not part of any clique, because there was one, only one Armo at Malibu High School” oh my god he’s awful i love him

“I want to take Danish. My family is danish” bitch mine too

“You understand that everyone in Denmark speaks english right? Usually better than most Americans?” drag america i love t

god i love him

armo just survived a serious accident and he’s crying because he wreacked his car whaya guy

what are they doing to armo :(((

SHADE WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT

noo poor cruz

whyy would mg introduce malik tenerife, the biggest sweetheart and shade’s closest friend and make me fall in love with him, and then in the SAME CHAPTER introduce cruz, a new best friend for shade and then just never mention malik again???? i love cruz but i miss malik

where is knightmare

“I REREAD THE ELLISON BOOK” ASTRID WROTE A BOOK

yikes a milady dude and homophobia all in one page!!

WHY IS EVERYONE IN THIS BOOK JUST TRANSFORMING INTO BOOKS

oh shit i just understood why mg says this is part animorphs

Malik’s back my boy

DEKKAS CAT IS NAMED EDITH WINDSOR I JUST----

DEKKA TOOK THE FRAMED PICTURE OF BRIANNA WITH HER OH MY GODDD

“Only now did Dekka see that those last four years had been a dream, unreal, somehow. The FAYZ was real.” dekka bby no :(((

oh my goooood taylor is back bitches i just got chills

SHE GRABBED THE CELEBRITY GOSSIP MAGAZINES OF COURSE SHE DID I LOVE HER

dekka be nice to taylor she’s had a hard life she deserves to know the goss :))

when they’re only talking baout the kids with power... when will edilio come in

aaaand there is drake ugh. “a violent, sadistic psychopath. A rapist. A torturer. A murderer”

EDILIO WAS THERE TOO THERE TOO THE FUCK

DID MG FORGET EDILIO ECISTS

BRIANNA DEKKA SAM ASTRID TAYLOR DRAKE LANA HUNTER ORC HAVE ALL BEN MENTIONED

WHERE IS EDILIO AND LANA

Drake responsible for 18 instances of rape mutilation and murder in the last year y i k e s

Justin has a lobster claw for one hand and a sword for the other o k a y

oh my god shade could kill tr*mp

“There are three types of superheroes, Shade: Hero, Villain and Monster” *looks into the camera like i’m on the office*

CAINE AND PENNY GOT THEIR MENTIONS

NOW GIVE ME EDILIO

Malik is still in love with shade rip me

oh no cruz bby you’re invisible :((

i feel like this series will be more hard sci-fi with aliens and government and powers than gone was, gone was more of a sci-fi/dystopian/lord of the flies/survival-mix

i’m worried about armo :((

me: had never read an animorphs book in my life also me: wow this reminds me so much of animorphs!

HES A POLAR BEAR NOW

THEY’RE LITERALLY SAYING THE WORD MORPHING

should be interesting to see what kind of shit mg will get for this y i k e s

WHAT THE FUCKKKKKK IS HAPØENING THE SEAN WAS HE TURNING INTO A CATERPILLAR WITH NO MOUTH WHAT THE FUCK HE IS FOUR YEARS OLD

OH THERES HIS MOUTH WHAT THE FUCK

fuuuuck i knew he would be knightmare

at least knightmare really is the name of a shitty pretentious art student dude

a group of girl scouts just fell to their deaths off the golden gate bridge

WHO ARE THE DARK WATCHERS

i actually think they’re aliens

pls get over brianna dekka

at least mg is realizing that brekka was kind of weird

why is dekka watching danish sex. what does that even mean.

this book is unrealistic bc it’s page number 208 and dekka still hasn’t thought about edilio. who goes that long without thinking about edilio.

oh no dekka is morphing with some animal too

DEKKA HAS MEDUSA HAIR WHAT THE FUCK

the cat died WHAT THE FUCK

“Motorcycle gangs and white supremacists and registered sex offenders, that’s who dominated Perdido Beach today” yikes

Dekka mentioned the word gaiaphage and i had a physical disgusted reaction, but not because of the actual gaiaphage, but bc of that fucking website. god i lvoe that gaiaphage.com is dead.

why has mg created a worldwide perdido beach situation but just given is three books to fix it

“I was Sam’s soldier” NO??? You wrre edilio’s soldier the fuck

EVERY TIME I SEE EDITH MY HEART SKIPS BECAUSE IT STARTS WITH EDI AND I THINK ITS FINALLY GOING TO BE EDILIO

Armo and Dekka is my new brotp

WHO THE FUCK IS JEHOVA

LESS VILLAIN POVS MICHAEL PLEASE

“Hey. You. Should. Um.... Stop. Being. An. Asshole.” SHADE

Combining the villains into one villain. Very schmart michael 👌🏻

PAGE 308 EDILIO MENTION OH MY GOD

Edilio on page 309 kill me cant even quote it

GRAVES STILL THERE

IN RESPECTFUL MEMORY TO BOTH THE WISE AND THE FOOLISH WHO STRUGGLED TO SURVIVE UNSPEAKABLE HORRORS IN THIS PLACE im 😭😭

ALBERT GOT HIS DUES YEAH

BUT HOW IS EDILIO TODAY

WHERE IS DINAA LOSER

GRAVE FOR MARY 😭

GRAVE FOR DUCK 😭

GRAVE FOR HUNTER 😭

GRAVE FOR ORC 😭

Grave for Caine 😐 “Caine Soren. “King of the FAYZ. Blaze of Glory”

FIRST DIANA MENTION AND ITS HOW MUU CAINE LOVED HER IM

BRIANNA HAS A LAST NAME SOS. “Brianna Berenson. “The Breeze”. None More Bold.”

DIANA IS HERE I REPEAT DIANA IS HERE IN THE FLESH AND STILL BEAUTIFUL

DIANA PUTS FLOWERS ON THE GRAVES ONCE A WEEK OH MY HOD YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE SORRY ABOUT I MEAN YOU DID GIVE BIRTH TO GAIA AND EAT PANDA BUT STILL

DIANA HAS A JOB AS A BARISTA HER OWN PLACE IS SEVEN MONTHS SOBER AND HAVENT TRIED TO KILL HERSELF LATELY

WAS HER AND SAM DRINKING BUDDIES

THEY SERVE A SAM TEMPLE CUCKTAIL AND A LANA VODKA

“I GUESS THEIRONY THAT FAYZERS HAVE A TENDENCY TO DRINK TOO MUCH IS LOST ON THEM” TELL THEM DEKKA

“YOU WERE GOOD TO KEEP SAM AND STRID OUT OF IT” NO TELL THEM LOSERS

DOES DIANA LIVE IN PERDIDO BEACH :((((

“THIS IS THE MOST INTIMATE IVE EVER BEEN WITH A DUDE” SAME

When Roger still hasn’t been mentioned and you know he wasn’t really that important so you can’t really complained but you miss him

and how is edilio really dekka hmmm???

Eww this Drake Brittany thing is worse if possible

wait wait wait what hoe did they get there what

if i finish monster and still don’t know how edilio is doing i’ll sue

the villain...breathes fire. he’s a dragon

Shade looks like a the bizzare cross between a flea, a Power Ranger and a teenaged girl w h a t

Vincent Vu: part fish!

noooo not malik :(((

one half of me: where the fck is edilio go talk to him dekka other half of me: edilio deserves a peaceful life thank i for keeping him away from it all

OKAY BUT WOULD EDILIO AND SAM AND EVERYONE SEE DEKKA ON THE FBI MOST WANTED LIST AND HEAR ABOUT EVERYTHING GOING ON AND SAY YIKES NOT OUR PROBLEM??? No tf they would help her!!!!

DEKKA IS WITH SAM DEKKA IS WITH SAM I REPEAT DEKKA IS WITH SAM AND HE IS HER STRONG RIGHT ARM SHOOT ME LET ME DIE

im emo

the end

missing: quinn and roger

#gone series #just a warning this is a really long list of notes siukfdsasdkf #hightlighst include: this book is unrealistic nobody goes this long without thinking about edilio #Shade looks like a bizzare cross between a flea a power ranger and a teenaged girl #and ''why is dekka watching danish sex. what does that even mean''#i recommend this for gone-fans who doesn't want to read monster but wants to know what it's all about #and for people who have read monster and need a dumb refreshed before villain

2 notes · View notes

birdiethebibliophile · 6 years

Text

{fic} That Old Sweet Feeling (part 31)

Fandom: The Adventure Zone: Commitment Rating: M Chapter Warnings: None Relationship: Nadiya Jones/Mary Word Count: 1,237

Here on AO3. Read the rest: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 29 Part 30

Tagging @someone-called-f1nch, @voidfishkid, @mellowstarscape, and @jumpboy-rembrandt!

Holy shit, I can’t believe we’re finally here. It’s been eight months - almost exactly - in the making. The longest thing I’ve ever written, and the thing I’m (so far) most proud of. Thank you everyone for sticking with me, especially everybody from the TAZ Commitment Discord.

I love you all.

Chapter Summary: A soft epilogue.

__________________

“No, Mom, I’m fine. I’m talking to you. I couldn’t do that if I wasn’t fine.”

Nadiya glanced up at a soft tap on her door. There was Mary Sage, wearing a t-shirt and worn jean shorts and holding a potted plant. She waved.

Nadiya smiled and motioned her in. “I mean, yeah, you can fly out if you want. Aren’t England to California, like, literally as far from each other as physically possible, though?” She paused to give Mary Sage a careful, one-armed hug. “Okay, okay! Call me when you get in, okay? I can give you the hospital address.

“No, Dad isn’t coming. Yeah. He emailed me yesterday, you know how he doesn’t like to talk on the phone. Said he was in the middle of something, but if I needed him, he could – yeah, no. Mom, it’s fine. My friends are taking good care of me. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She smiled. “Yeah. Looking forward to seeing you. Love you too.”

Nadiya hung up and set the cell phone on the table by her hospital bed, next to where Mary Sage had put the plant. “Hey, Space Cadet.”

“Hey, Reed Richards.” Mary Sage kissed her on the cheek. “How ya feelin’?”

“Less like shit than I did yesterday,” Nadiya said. “Or the day before. So that’s progress. That plant’s not going to last a week – I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever had.”

“It’s the thought that counts,” Mary Sage said brightly, settling on the hospital bed with a slight bounce. “That was your mom?”

“Yeah. Apparently she saw the news and decided to fly halfway across the world to make sure I was all right. Good to know that something will make that happen, even if it had to be a life-threatening situation.” Nadiya rolled her eyes, but couldn’t help smiling again.

It wasn’t perfect. It wasn’t going to be perfect, between them, but her mom was making an effort, and maybe that was step one.

“Surprised it took this long,” Mary Sage commented.

“It didn’t make international news until this morning, I think.”

Martine may have shot the screens at the press conference, but Jonesy’s camera had still been up and working throughout their entire confrontation in the back room. She and Grace had retrieved the footage and disseminated it to every news outlet they could. As it turned out, it didn’t reflect well on Martine that she ordered the cold-blooded murder of multiple people on camera. Every security officer in the place had been on her as soon as they could get past her guards, anyways.

Because Martine wasn’t dead. What Mary Sage had done – whatever she had done – had ruptured the connections Martine had had with the former members of the Do-Good Fellowship, as well as the people who’d received stimplants since then. According to the news, she was suffering “unexpected neurological side effects” from what had happened.

“Oh, cry me a river,” Mary Sage had said when she heard. “I didn’t have a choice when she fucked up my brain. I’m not sorry.”

Now, Mary Sage flopped back with Nadiya, carefully avoiding her arm with the IV in it. “We heard from Jamie this morning,” she told Nadiya. “She wanted to know whether it was all true. We said yeah, an’ told her about the whole victim of war crimes protection thing or whatever. Sounds like she’s goin’ back to Eureka.”

“I’m glad,” Nadiya said, and was surprised to realize she meant it. “What about the others?”

“I think Irene’s been talkin’ to Flanagan, but Kardala’s been real cagey about it,” Mary Sage said, snickering. “She did say they were good, though, Addison an’ Flanagan. Figurin’ stuff out. Pridmore an’ Abbey are still hangin’ around. I think Grace got ahold of Joe this morning?”

Nadiya made a sound that she hoped adequately conveyed her utter contempt for and disregard for one Joe Carbinner.

“Aw, shut up,” Mary Sage said, giggling. “I know you hate him, but he got screwed over by the Fellowship as much as any of us.”

“Sure.” Nadiya smiled as Mary Sage’s absent fingers found the bracelet she was still wearing and started fiddling with it. “Has, uh… How’s Remy doing?”

“Not great,” Mary Sage said frankly. “Kinda the same as you. Today was better than yesterday was better than the day before. Somebody called him last night – his brother? He cried a lot an’ when he got off the phone he gave everybody a big hug, an’ he’s seemed a little better since then.”

“And you told him I want to see him?”

“Yeah. Might be a couple days, still. I think he knows it wasn’t his fault, but he’s still pretty messed up about it.”

Nadiya sighed. “I guess I don’t blame him. He probably got the worst of this, and that’s counting that I literally got stabbed.” She settled back further into her pillows. “You ever feel like… you can’t quite believe it’s over?”

“Every second,” Mary Sage said without hesitation. “Shit, Nad, this all started for us way before we even knew it had. I know it’s not, like, over over, with Martine’s trial we gotta testify at an’ everything, and figurin’ out what the hell we’re gonna do now, but… I talked to a lawyer this morning, Nad. A lawyer. He said he’s gonna help me get my parents out of jail, and he only had to look at the case file for like, a second before he said there was more hinky stuff goin’ on than it even seemed like at first. Bribes an’ shit. Didja know that forbidding contact with family members in prison without due cause is a crime?”

“No, but it makes sense. Have they found Richard yet?”

“Yeah, as soon as they raided Martine’s place. He’s under arrest too – aiding an’ abetting. And treason,” Mary Sage added. “Sylvane’d be under arrest too, but he’s in the hospital right now, an’ he’s sayin’ he was controlled like Remy. I call BS, but I guess the feds can figure that one out.”

“God, I want to get out of here,” Nadiya grumbled. “I hate having to hear everything secondhand.”

“Hey, Nad, guess what I realized?” Mary Sage, sitting up and grinning.

“What?”

“Now that we’re not on the run, we can actually go on dates an’ shit if we want,” Mary Sage said. “There’s a bunch of real great places in San Francisco. I’ve been checkin’ ‘em out so we can go when you get out of the hospital. Bookstores an’ ice cream places an’ coffeeshops an’ whatever. I dunno, that’s what you do for dates, right? I’ve only been on, like, one, an’ we went to Olive Garden, an’ I left early.”

“That’s one more than I’ve been on,” Nadiya admitted. “But that sounds… really good. And then I guess we’ll have to start apartment shopping, huh?”

“Yeah, eventually, once we know where we wanna live,” Mary Sage agreed. “Plus finding jobs, I guess. But we don’t have to worry about that yet, right?”

“Nah,” Nadiya said. “Let’s get through this first. Let everything reset and settle down. And in the meantime, yeah, let’s go on a bunch of dates.”

“Sounds good to me,” Mary Sage said, and kissed the corner of Nadiya’s mouth. “There’s that old sweet feeling again,” she whispered. “You feel it too?”

“Yeah,” Nadiya said. “I do.”

-----

(Tomorrow will take care of itself.)

#taz #taz commitment #taz fanfiction #nadiya jones #irene baker #kardala #mary sage #space cadet #christopher rembandt #remy #the adventure zone #the adventure zone commitment #taz: c #that old sweet feeling #tosf #mine #wow... I made it

2 notes · View notes

ecoamerica · 1 month

Text

youtube

Watch the 2024 American Climate Leadership Awards for High School Students now: https://youtu.be/5C-bb9PoRLc

The recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by student climate leaders! Join Aishah-Nyeta Brown & Jerome Foster II and be inspired by student climate leaders as we recognize the High School Student finalists. Watch now to find out which student received the $25,000 grand prize and top recognition!

16K notes · View notes

aclayjar · 4 years

Link

What is Revelation? Revelation is the last book in the Bible and is a letter written to seven churches in what is today the country of Turkey. And it was written by John at Jesus direction. Beyond that there are a wide variety of opinions as to which John wrote it, how to interpret it, and its relevance for both the original audience and today’s readers. Revelation is apocalyptic literature. It is filled with visions, symbolism, and conflict between good and evil. This genre is strange to modern readers but would have been familiar to first century Judaism. For more information on apocalyptic literature see Bible Gateway’s Encyclopedia of the Bible. Not All People Avoid it I think it is important to note that not all believers avoid reading Revelation. There are many who read it regularly along with the rest of the Bible. Typically, these folks are committed to a ‘Read through the Bible’ program that covers every book in the Bible over the course of a year. There is another audience for Revelation that may spend more time there than nearly anywhere else. These readers are fascinated with end-time prophecy and examine Revelation closely to see if they can find anything in it that lines up with current events. And, finally, there are those who just don’t read their Bible with any kind of regularity. They might only read their Bible to follow along with a sermon or to look up some specific passage to prove a point. These folks are not avoiding Revelation. But since it is seldom preached or taught, they are not familiar with it. Reasons Why Some Avoid Reading Revelation There are several reasons why many people who regularly read the Bible might avoid Revelation. Listed below are some of these reasons. It is Confusing and Frightening When the modern reader opens Revelation and begins to read, they likely will become quickly confused. Before you even get out of the first chapter you find this description of the person speaking to John. “and among the lampstands was someone like a son of man, dressed in a robe reaching down to his feet and with a golden sash around his chest. The hair on his head was white like wool, as white as snow, and his eyes were like blazing fire. His feet were like bronze glowing in a furnace, and his voice was like the sound of rushing waters. In his right hand he held seven stars, and coming out of his mouth was a sharp, double-edged sword. His face was like the sun shining in all its brilliance.”Rev elation 1:13-16 IV And it does not get any better as you read through it. What are you to make of the four beasts, stars falling from heaven, dragons, many headed and horned beasts, and great battles? It would be easy to imagine the author being high on drugs when he writes all of this. And what about the locusts coming up out of the Bottomless Pit? That can be a terrifying picture to the uninitiated reader. After all, who wants to be tormented by one of them for five months? Reading Revelation can be the thing of nightmares for some. It Is Often Not Taught or Preached In the 60+ years I have attended worship services, I do not recall a single sermon preached on chapters 4-18 of Revelation. It may well be that I just don’t remember. But, typically, if a preacher ventures into Revelation it is to look at the letters to the seven churches in chapters two and three, or the Great White Throne judgement and New Jerusalem at the end of the book. No doubt there are preachers who invest time in all of Revelation, and maybe an excessive amount of time. But that has not been my experience. And, going along with that, Sunday school classes and church organized Bible studies do not spend much time in Revelation. One of the men in the church I serve in wanted to teach a class about Revelation. But he was not allowed to because ‘it was too confusing with too many interpretations.” Is it any surprise then, when a church avoids spending time in Revelation, that the members of that body also avoid it? They will likely consider it to be irrelevant to modern readers and see no reason to try and wade through it. Wide Variety of Interpretations Another factor that may keep people from reading Revelation is the wide variety of interpretations of this letter. Some understand it as prophecy already fulfilled. Some as prophecy currently being fulfilled. Others as prophecy of events awaiting us in the future. And still others see it as primarily a letter of encouragement to suffering first century churches in Asia Minor. Which of those frameworks you adopt will have a significant impact on how you understand what John was writing. How do you interpret all the images throughout Revelation? Are they literal? Or symbolic? Is 144,000 a literal number of literal Jews? Or is it something else? When does the 1000-year period in Revelation 20 occur? And is it literally 1000 years? Or a very long time? Even among those who hold to a common framework for Revelation there is a variety of opinions on what the images and visions mean. One view that has become common in Evangelical Protestantism over the past 200 years is that believers are raptured from the world before the vast bulk of Revelation occurs. For those who adopt this view, they may feel like they can safely ignore Revelation since it doesn’t apply to them. Conclusion Can we safely avoid Revelation in our Bible reading and study? Does it really have any relevance to us today? Revelation starts with an invitation to read it, and a blessing on those who do. “Blessed is the one who reads aloud the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear it and take to heart what is written in it, because the time is near” (Rev. 1:3). We should read Revelation along with the rest of the Bible. Although it was written to, and for, first century churches, I believe that it is relevant for the church of today. But care should be taken in reading Revelation. Examine as many distinct views and sources as you can. And allow the Holy Spirit to lead you in understanding and applying this Revelation of Jesus Christ (Rev. 1:1) to your life today. This article was first published in BibleStudyTools.com on October 27, 2019

#bgbg2

0 notes

fortheloveofcringe · 5 years

Photo

n e e d y //

I could go and write something where people would look up to me like a success story. That’s always a way to prove you’re something in the society you live in. It’s the easier choice, to make people feel like there is hope and success at the end of the dark tunnel but then people tend to overlook or push-back, the fact that there are things that happen along the road, they happen at the scariest time and moments in your life and never do these “people” who I have dealt with bother to feel it unless it needs to be felt. It’s like emotion these days has to have an on and off button. That’s scares me a lot, but then these days I’ve been thinking, being scared doesn’t do nothing to me, it just make me fight more, even after so much downfall and rejection.

Rejection, I’m going to touch bases with this one. Something I’ve dealt with my entire life. From my paternal grand parents making me feel like an abomination just because I was gay and no one in the bloodline has to be gay, or to the most fresh wound I have, which marks it’s first month today, me being single, after such a wonderful, scary and inspiring relationship with Timothy.

You know something, perhaps I’m writing this as a formal closure to that chapter in my life because for so long I have been writing about so much sad stuff in the cloud of anger that I just want to get things off my chest differently which is to address this in a way where I’m the monster, and I’m not anymore pointing my fingers to the monsters in my story. I can’t even believe I called myself a monster right just about now.

Anyway, Timothy, if you would read previous entries you might get the idea of a modern day fairy tale relationship. None of my wildest dreams per say. I adored him so much that it just hurt us both, badly. To cut the long story short. He just never needed me the way I needed him. It sucks. To just throw dreams of having a bright future with someone out of the window just because it hurts your eyes and you want to do a reality check but I guess that’s why we have sunglasses, they say it protects the eyes. I never realized some eyeglasses are fake and just do nothing but leave marks on your nose.

Needy. I’m needy. I’ve been crying and going crazy for weeks now. This has been such a wild ride with him that looking back now I just feel like everything we had was just from a book. A Novel, a fictional one. I wish him the best however it just makes me feel a certain way knowing I have suffered more than he did. It’s like all the entire time I believe he had some reservations about us and he knew we are not going to work out and a few puzzle pieces come into my mind to support this claim. One, he never formally introduced me to his family because I think he never wanted them involved when it all crashes down unlike mine where my family had known him and are angry and tears knowing I almost tore my relationships with them just to have Timothy by my side. Two, being with him, despite the care and the love, felt like a love prison, for both of us. What I mean is I felt like he was just faking it to make sure he complied with the “ideal boyfriend” persona he describes himself as because there are moments when he had rolled his eyes at me to the back of his skull thinking “Hambert is not really worth it”. Three, and last, in support of number two, He admitted he wanted someone else. Not me. I’m glad I had so much time to make sure I have figure out the science of persuasion that I figured out a way to make him spill the truth to me and I have to say it was fucked up. Imagine being with a person beside you while his mind is off sucking someone else’s dick. That felt like boiling water in my freshly healed heart. Because I think breaking up is fine, sure some relationships need a time-off, but to know who’s replacing you? that’s just fucked up.

This is where I got really and intensely angry at him that I made sure we really would hate each other after the end because my good side tried to patch things up with him even though it made me look so desperate running through their doors just to give him a movie or something so he wouldn’t be wasting time or whatever, but the bad side of me just wanted to get even so I made sure that I did some stupid things that actually, in the end, bought me peace of mind and of course some insights to process my pain.

I met his the girl he dated before me. Which he just ghosted. I did that to catch his attention which ended up me having blocked by him on social media. My point of meeting this girl, besides my petty brain, was to make sure I erase this picture of him that I painted in my head, which was a handsome prince who picked roses for me every morning just to make sure I don’t dance in stems of thorns. Timothy was such a great man that he also made sure I would feel like nobody would care for me the way he cared. Which was debugged when I and Venus, the ex of my ex, had lunch over spaghetti, taco’s and the dick we both had in our mouths (and by dick we mean by attitude or literally, whichever comes first to your mind) When we talked I realized he has a cruel way of making sure you wouldn’t compare him to anyone. And the way he twisted their story to me, because when we spoke I realized Tim was such a liar he had to make her look thirsty for him and no woman should be painted that way, ever. That conversation I believe healed us both in a way were now, we’re friends and shit-talking about a guy full of shit which basically catered to what I want which was to make sure all of the good pictures in my head was crossed check for what is the actuality of who he was. In that moment me and Venus realized we were both used as a gateway for his lust to a guy named Gwen. I can’t call it love because I’m sure Tim has not have the opportunity to connect with Gwen on a deeper level so fuck fake smiles here, people.

Who I thought was the man, that I’m willing to go through with all the hardships in my life, who would support me, and help me grow, turned to be a complete poser. This was hard for me because I know him in way that not Venus knows and I know very well that he’s a broken soul, but there is no rational reason to justify his pain to be carried over to his present life knowing well that he is old enough to fuck us both, and for him to be running around and break the hearts of people who loves him.

What also bothered me was the fact tat he was just so ready to move on to the next page of his life which was by trajectory, was Gwen, and that he never muttered a word that would have potentially brought us back together. He was just so “Please I need new dick in my mouth I’m bored of you because you’re a pain in the ass”.

Pain in the ass was also one thing that he couldn’t handle. He never wanted anal with me. Now, I don’t know why but I have a strong feeling that would have it been Gwen to offer to top him, I’m sure he’d squat in less than a second. Forgive my bitterness overflowing in each word here, if you’ve been in so much pain, you might understand.

The world isn’t big enough because this Gwen guy is a close friend of my friend Argie. Now long story short Gwen doesn’t do boys, or so he claims. Tim got dumped and now it’s a double whammy for our pretty boy Tim who thinks everyone is gonna drool for him. I hate him though. That Gwen guy, he haven’t done no shit. I can’t like him because he’s the friend of my friend and I know it’s not his fault, but sometimes disliking people just don’t need to be justified, we just feel the way we feel.

I hate knowing he was my replacement just in case he was into boys because he’s manly, skinnier and lanky (as Tim admitted he like those kind of boys, one where he could pose as a pedophile) short, and it makes me more bitter going to work everyday passing their 3-story house making it feel like a slap to me for coming from a poor family. It was like “Hambert, your replacement is a handsome, skinny guy whose rich and that’s what our high maintenance Tim boy wants, bye, you deserve to be left, so sorry but not sorry, go ahead and die.”

Got a chance to talk to him though and I think he’s smart from staying off the dirt because I would drag him in the mud with Tim on top of him so they could finally get to fuck one another for making me and Venus shed tears.

Let me tell you one thing though. And this is fucked up. I still love him.

I still feel his kisses on my lips. His face in my chest. The scent of his hair or his subtle way of putting his nose on my shoulders in the jeep. This is what breaks me to tears like right now. Because knowing I can’t have that anymore. It’s feels like death and I’ve had a fair share of losing people and tragedies from living so poor, not eating to being accused of wrong things, to be bullied in work or having my grandmother die while I’m carrying her to the hospital or maybe even growing up without a father, but I think this has been the greatest pain I’ve dealt with. To be in tears because of love.

And I can go ahead and make stories about how I successfully dodged a bullet. But to be fair, I know that in those nights I spent with with him, the love we shared, I know he’s the love of my life and there could never be anyone. Because now I’m scared to be loved and be in love. I can’t embrace something that broke me.

I’m now employed ans still studying. Things seem fine. I’m walking on a fire pit but I’m still alive.

However if there is one more song we can bond over, just one last, I wish I can sing Ariana’s “Needy” to him. Just to make him understand. How good it feels to be needed.

0 notes

bang-me-bangtan-style · 7 years

Text

YOU MAKE ME BEGIN

Jung kook fanfic

word count 1.9k

(what if your an angel and you fell from heaven for a troublesome boy who needed you, him being Jung kook)

PROLOGUE

They say angels have dreams that can become reality, so once I started to see this boy in my dreams - I knew something was up. I couldn’t see his face but I could see his side profile and hear his voice sometimes. I knew he wasn’t from here and I knew that maybe one day I would meet him - I just didn't know when or how, or how many before him, or after him, until I would see him but what did know, the constant dreams were trying to tell me something.

And then the dreams changed one day; every day I would dream of myself falling continuously never hitting the ground. months after months from being frightening, I would have insomnia because I was so scared of one day I’d finally hitting the ground. I was so scared I was becoming sleep deprived, sick , and was becoming skinnier. I had my own personal hell. my own fear of sleeping.

Then one day this happened: I found myself falling and falling in my dream I could finally see what I was going to fall into and it wasn’t the ground. It was water and rocks. Earth, it was earth. I was hoping id wake up in cold sweats before I it but I didn’t. I finally hit the “ground” and I didn’t wake up. I wasn't in my room anymore I was laying on the big rock in the middle of the ocean. May I need to remind you heaven doesn't have oceans.

earth does.

It was my first time falling and dreams never became so real.

I finally fell from heaven.

But I had no clue why.

chapter 01

I woke up on a shore rock.Pain shot through my body as I felt like I went through hell and back. as I tried to figure out my surroundings In an Instant, a large wave casts me into the ocean. I heaved for air and my arms flung around. it was at that moment My wings had completely disappeared and I felt helpless and useless to myself.

I now was cast under the water and I was panicking I have never been to earth before now and I had no clue what to do without my wings. I was shaking and my lungs were filling with water causing them to reject it and make me cough into hissy fits when I'd roughly be pulled back into the surface.

so this is what drowning felt like I have heard about it before and never could imagine it from the various stories told. now that I was experiencing it now I couldn't ever erase it from my mind it was just as scary as the story were and how it was one of the most frightening things a human could experience.

Where was I and what on earth was I doing on earth?

literally?

I wasn't informed that I would be coming and the way I came. It was unoriginal, and it wasn't safe. it was out of the ordinary. I was hurting and I was just as scared as any normal human being would.

my nightmares and isonomia were warning me not scaring me. But that was least of worries right now my worries was death and my now fear of dying. angels didn't die? so why did I feel so lifeless?

They say when your angel the moment you step on earth you become human. To blend in with the locals and to not be at a risk of being found out. I had nothing to offer myself. I've never been a human before although others before I have. But I was pure. a pure angelic. I wasn't someone who was human and then became an angel under good circumstances. I was as pure as they get.

I had no way of telling myself what to do in a situation like this. I was going to die whether I wanted or not. I'd make my way back to heaven as if I was a failure.and have to start over my training again.

They don't teach this stuff in school I never learned how not to die.or maybe I never paid attention. Up above I was invincible. and chances for a pure breed like me to fall to earth was unlikely I was told getting sent to earth was unlikely. But here I am uneducated and practically dying also something I never thought would be likely.

I had made it to the surface in time to get some more air and cough up the least bit of water I could manage out. I was trying so hard and my tears were mixing with the saltwater.

Again my body was dragged under by the angry waves my advanced eyesight made me look all around and see nothing but water but 100 feet I could see the land so I wasn't far from shore. I just had to get there and keep my pace I had to go to swim to the top breath and vice versa.

Reaching the top again my ears perked up at the sound of a voice.

No two voices.

And then I went under again.

Was I close to shore now? Getting back up gasping for air I heard them again two males.

"Someone is drowning. "Someone yelled and then I went under again.

Although I did not know what dying felt like I knew what it felt like now. I could feel myself on the brink of death. and that's why I let go. i stopped fighting whatever mission a pure breed like me had. I was going to fail, die, be shamed for a high up person like me. failing before even starting. pure angelic’s don't fall for just anyone. this human must be very special or very troubled. and now I would never know. and they would have to suffer.

In an instant, I was pulled up from the water and I found myself clinging on to a boy with pale skin. I clung on to him for dear life and found myself in hysterics although the situation was over.

He kept cooing me to calm down and gave me some Of his, "it's going to be alright .” and “ you'll be okay I got you.” " but tell that to my anxiety and my now fear of water.

Ptsd man.i was going to have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

He got to shore the water level around our waist and he carried me bridal style the rest of the way and laid me on the sand. I noticed the rock and the cliff I was on some kilometres away and my eyes bugged out how far out I was to make it to the other side of the beach.

"Are you okay?" The boy beamed down at me his eyebrows knitting together. I was so out of it taking in my surroundings of earth that I barely heard a word he said.

"Hey." He snapped his fingers.

Another boy the one who didn't rescue me was really handsome and had full lips was very concerned.

"Jimin ottokae?" the boy dripping of water asked the other.

"Moleugess-eo, I don't know maybe she is just still in shock of almost drowning." He shrugged his shoulders "It's a good thing we took this route because no one would have found her if we didn't."

"I laid there on my back finally taking in the sky so that's what it looks like from the other side. Blue with clouds?

"Agassi, are you okay?it's going to be okay,"

"Should we call an ambulance? the dry handsome boy imputed.

Ambulance!

You should never go to the hospital or anywhere where they can check your pulse, they won't find it. Because your heart doesn't beat.

Even in human form?

No not even in human form.

I shot up from the sand startling both boys. "Andae "

“Gomabseuonida, gwenchanayo, I'll be on my way." Instantly Korean came out my mouth. I must have looked like a mad woman. why I held my mouth after the words came out.

Why?

because I didn't speak Korean. I never spoke it a day in my life.

Because I didn't know Korean. angels have their own Langauge. We definitely don't speak this language.

"Eodiae? Where are you from?" The boy whose hair was damp, "you have a weird accent"

Shit, where was I from, I knew nothing of the earth!

I ran fingers through my damp hair and found it quite more complicated than I initially thought it was gonna be to fit in. if I didn't die drowning. now I had kind of wished I had.

"Up north" I blurted out. Well, it wasn't a complete lie.

"Ahhh I see I forgot up north towards and around Pyongyang they have that kind of Korean accent. weird ones.

My name is "Jimin," the boy with blonde hair interrupted. He gave me a sheepish smile and I couldn't help but want to fall from heaven again but this time at his feet.

Why wasn't he an angel?

He would have fit in. Angels are 2x attractive than an average human, at least that's what Ive heard. But I think that was a lie. These two boys seem no different than us.

I turned my attention on the boy who saved my life he had dark brown hair and he was looked at me he seemed uncomfortable all of a sudden and shy.

"Nae, nae irumun Jung kook."

Ahhh

Jungkook?

I didn't look at him before and now that I have I couldn't take my eyes off him. The other boy was hot but he seemed more my type.

I gave a shy smile "I'm 54325," I held my hand out and crumbled it into a fist and slowly took it back. Shit, now they were looking at me crazy. Name I need a name! name yourself!

"I'm angel," wow couldn't be more obvious, could you? I scolded myself.

"Migook ileum?"

"Dae, American name," I said annoyed whatever America was.

"You're pretty," the boy named jimin blurted out. The dark hair boy Jung kook shot him a really look. I, however, didn't bat an eyelash and took it upon myself to start something I wanted him to finish.

" your hot to yourself,"

Jimin cocked his head to the side and raised his eyebrows at Jung kook. Smirking at him.

"Come again?" jimin teased at Jungkook

Jungkook started to walk off.

"Jimin started to walk off but stopped and turned to me.” I know this is all a sudden but can I see you again?"

I tucked my wet hair behind my ear.

"Dae, " you said.

" what is your number?"

“Number?" I mumbled.

"Yeah like a cell phone."

“Handuphone?" I said

I didn't know what that was but I knew I didn't have it.

"Obsseo" I said

"Jinjja!! You don't have a handuphone?"

Main" I said embarrassed.and apologetic.

“Okay,” jimin smiled sheepishly. “how about we meet here again at the same time as today, or possible every day. That why I know you're still alive." He shyly said.

Time? I knew time. time was it was embedded in my brain. We could look around and see the sun how low it was and know the exact time.

Right now it was 2:33 pm

"alasseo,anyeong "

Jimin hesitated but eventually gave me a hug.

“Bye beautiful.”

I watched Jimin catch up with a Jung kook who looked annoyed.

Ahhhh jeongmal that boy Jung kook is something else. whats wrong with him? whats his story?

I turned around looking at the deserted empty stretched beach.

What now?

31 notes · View notes

exobtsimagination · 7 years

Text

Faith

Summary: Putting yourself in somebody else’s shoes. God took it literally. Type: Angst/ Slight Fluff Pairing: Jungkook X You Words: 1591 Words

Hi hi. I’m back from the dead. Serious apologies because I’m honestly really swarmed with life. I have school, two jobs and two upcoming exhibitions to prepare for so I’m honestly really all over the place. I try to write as much as I can (lol it’s like 5 in the morning here) since it is my obligation as an admin here. HAHAHAHA. Not as satisfactory but I’m saving the bulk of the feels in the latter chapters so here’s a teaser. Link to the prequel is down below. Enjoy!!

- Admin Fits

When you cracked your eyes open, everything seemed to turn an entire one eighty. The air was too crisp, one that possibly scratched the walls of your trachea. It hurt for you to even breathe, a concept that was all too familiar. White walls, stiff bed. Everything was distasteful but familiar, and maybe you should find gratefulness in that even if you had to scour at every cranny of your universe.

You pushed yourself up, your arm shaking as you did. Frowning, you were reminded of the circumstances that you were in. How you wished you were back in your dream where the sky was limitless and you could jump as high as you wanted to and still revel on its vast grandeur despite not being able to touch it. A dream where you could run as fast as you can, as far as you can, without crippling under your very own weight with just a few steps.

Or a dream where it was pitch black. Both were favourable, you supposed.

Quickly, you noticed your regular nurse standing at the door, peeking in but never really going any closer. The both of you made eye contact and she clearly flinched as if your very presence was threatening. Which was laughable because she would have ample time before you could land a strike that was equivalent to that of a baby’s.

“Something wrong?” She flinched again before shaking her head, taking tentative steps at your direction. You watched as she prepared the items before changing your IV tube.

“Do you feel okay?” That was a question that required no answer from your part because clearly, being strapped on a hospital bed was far than okay. But of course, you knew you feeling okay was slightly different than most.

“Peachy.”

You noticed the slight tremor of her lips and you wondered what went wrong. You felt burdened because you actually liked the nurse that was assigned to you.

“If there was something wrong, you can just tell me you know. Me dying shouldn’t excuse my bad attitude.”

Her reply was instantaneous. She paused whatever she was doing, sharply turning her head to your direction, her countenance full of determination and courage that you wished you could’ve adopted.

“No! Of course not! You’re not going to die! You’re doing splendidly on your rehabilitation! Everything will turn out okay and they’ll find a cure soon so you’ll be able to do everything that you’ve been wanting to do.”

Frankly speaking, the both of us knew that her words were just wishful thinking if anything. The research’s progress was painstakingly slow and by the time that they finally obtain the answer, you would be reduced to dust. Dust that would cease to exist and somehow knowing your end was morbidly comforting.

There would be a time where you would stop suffering.

But you didn’t say that. You searched for the comfort in the nurse’s honest eyes and you smiled. “Can’t wait.”

…

Being in solitude for most parts of the day had its perks. For one, it meant that there wasn’t anymore pricking and prodding from people that could only sympathise and try their best to empathise but deep down you knew, they were just relieved that they didn’t have to bound by a fate like yours. Humans were hypocritical at best.

This led you to dwell into the prospect of living the world that was vastly different than the one you had now. A life where you could puff your chest out without falling back to the chair as if you doing such a simple act took too much from you. A life where you wouldn’t bite your words, feeling them stuck deep in your stomach and no matter how much you curse at yourself, the words would come out like a broken recorder. A life where you wouldn’t stop talking altogether. A life where you could run, feel the wind under your arms trying to lift you up to the very sky. The rush of air, the hard beating of your heart against your chest as a reminder that you were alive. Alive and living.

A life like Jungkook’s.

Despite it being a dream, it gave you so much respite that it made you breathe easy. A dream that brought so much hue as compared to the very monochromatic room that reeked of sanitizers. A dream that you made you remember the life you once had.

Once had, that being the keyword.

It had been a few months since you had this damned illness and whilst there were still some things you could do, the prospect of knowing your end was a little overwhelming. Whenever you did a menial thing such as writing, you knew that one day your fingers shake too much for your writing to even be legible. Such small things, there was always this ticking clock at the very back of your mind and honest to god, you tried to be positive. You tried to look for the brighter side of things.

But when you couldn’t reach the lavatory in time, you mentally broke down as you suffered the humiliation of the excretion just flowed down your leg.

That bright light you should see at the end of the tunnel? You stopped searching.

You reached out for your wheelchair that they left at your side, your arms shaking as you do so. But like all things, the smallest things proved to be a bit too herculean for you. Your upper body was too far out from the bed that you didn’t even register that you were actually falling head first. The IV tube that connected to your arm pulled the stand along with you and it clanged onto the railing of your bed to only punch you in the stomach. You cried out in pain, not only from your stomach and head injury but also from your bruised pride.

You ignored the pain and crawled towards your wheelchair, dragging your useless legs across the clean tiles and you hissed at the burn. You placed your elbows at the edge of the seat when you heard the door of your room opened and the nurse from before rushing towards your direction. Ignoring her calling your name, you gritted your teeth as you tried pushing your weight up. There was pure determination that fired up from your insides, masking the anger and resentment that were directed to nobody but yourself.

“Here let me help you, dear.” She tried to take your elbow but you slapped her arm away. But god bless her heart because she immediately reached out to you despite the rejection. But her touch whilst kind was just aggravating. It was the kind of kindness that shed too much light on your incompetence.

“Let me just help you.”

More kindness. More hatred. More self-loathing.

“I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP.”

Two erratic heartbeats.

Your loud breathing.

The ticking of the clock.

Her frozen hands.

And you just broke. Again.

No matter how much you tried to fix yourself, you kept falling down and down. It was akin to you being in a well with no ladder up. You had no way of escaping as you watch slowly as the opening gets blocked, the light diminishing slowly like an eclipse. It was terrifyingly permanent and just not as beautiful.

Your elbows shook and you let go of that fictitious bravado that you previously held onto. You let yourself fall onto the ground, your pride and your resolve come gushing out of your body in the form of salty tears, staining your cheeks with pain and sorrow.

You didn’t apologise. You didn’t apologise for the hurt you might’ve caused because the very first person you have yet to say sorry towards for your terrible words, was yourself. So you didn’t apologise.

The heart of a person never truly changed and you saw it when the nurse pulled you in her arms, consoling you with her comforting hand that stroked your trembling body that was wrecked with sobs. The words that left her lips were like that of a mother’s, cooling your troubled heart with ease.

“It’s okay, sweetheart. It’s okay.”

You buried your face in your hands, shaking your head as you did so. “Once I can’t walk anymore, once I can’t speak anymore. Once I am nothing but a shell, can you even call me a human?”

She rocked you in her arms, trying her best to take the pain off your chest. But you merely passed it to her, now that one of your shoulders was wet. But she stopped reassuring everything was okay.

…

The nurse had helped you on the wheelchair and took you around the hospital block so as to get fresh air. A celebration, she supposed, because it was going to be your final visit of the month and you would get to go back to school. You were supposed to be ecstatic but there were only so many times you would let yourself be happy of your release when you were going back to the hospital again.

But she insisted that you get a fresh air and that was what you did. It calmed you a little bit.

She then brought you in your room and plugged in the IV tube in your forearm. The drugs did their job and you were soon drifting to a place of non-reality, a delusion that you would willingly drown yourself in.

There, in your subconscious, you were back.

You were finally Jungkook.

#jungkook scenarios #jeongguk scenario #jungkook scenario #bts scenario #bangtan scenario #angst #fluff #body swap #admin fits

54 notes · View notes

yeoldontknow · 4 years

Note

Hi Kat, I was wondering if you have advice for writers who are too scared to publish their work online. I have many snippets and stories that I've written but never posted. I love the idea of having a tumblr or blog where I could share my writing, but I'm constantly struggling with imposter syndrome, feelings of not being good enough, and fears of being criticized by others. Thank you very much!

hi anon

please keep in mind that these are the things that helped me - wayyyy back over a decade ago when i first started writing fanfic and posting it online. what worked for me might not work for you, but as someone who also suffers from imposter syndrome in nearly every facet of my life, this is what helped and continues to help.

the important thing to focus on is that desire to share. the very fact that youve come here and said ‘i want to do this but im scared’ leads me to believe that your want to have a blog where you can share writing is already outweighing the fear of reception. and the most important thing you could do is not lose sight of that desire. you cannot control how people will respond to your writing, and i know that at first its very scary. the very extension of wanting to share is wanting to have a conversation around your work - not to receive endless criticism. so while you cannot control the response, you can control your reaction to the response.

this also brings up a very important discourse - the line between helpful and unhelpful criticism. criticism is not something to fear, lovely. it helps us grow. to be wrong or to receive criticism is a moment of humility and change, and it evolves with us. when criticism is helpful, it allows us to see room for improvement, for growth. we can advance through the criticism, especially when its offered by a friend or someone we trust. i often recommend new writers show their work to friends they trust to get a third party opinion - someone with a face before they offer it to strangers whose comments we fear the most. helpful feedback and criticism is what allows our writing to flourish - and because you mention imposter syndrome, i imagine youre already very critical of your own work. that criticism is what makes you edit and edit again, wanting it to be the best you can create. thats important. unhelpful criticism, on the other hand, is something every single writer on this platform has experienced and survived. while most of the comments ive seen on fics throughout my years have been wonderfully positive, there are still some that will hurt.

and thats a very important thing we as creators and artists must always accept - not everyone will love your work and you will, at some point, get hurt. but you will also survive.

and i can assure you, almost every writer i have met experiences imposter syndrome at some point. as a reader, we see the final product, the fic that makes us feel something, that entertained us, that brought us joy. and we see the response the writer receives, the comments and the asks, and we think ‘wow, it must be easy for them.’ but honestly, it isnt. we dont get to see the weeks, the months, the hours, maybe even the years it took to write that story or that chapter. the worry of ‘is this good enough’ ‘is this right’ ‘am i still putting out the same quality this story deserves.’ i can speak from experience that the overwhelming response for hero ALWAYS makes my next chapter harder to write because i dont want to let anyone down. the fear of disappointing the readership is real and very often makes me feel like im not good enough for the story anymore. we fill this way because we are human and more than anything, this is is what we must remember:

a story cannot be better than us because it is ours. we created it. we found it in our minds. we gave birth to it. so by extension its a part of us. not everyone will love it, but no one else will have this unique idea or be able to tell this story the way you can. your perspective changes the trope, the character, the feelings. the sea of authorship is never full, because there is still room for your voice. and if you are scared of posting online, hold onto the feeling that made you reach out to ask for help. you asked because you want it. and the want will always outweigh the fear

i hope this encourages you anon! the community IS majority positive and friendly, and im sure if you want to write it someone is wanting to read it.

#the cutest anons!#writing advice #Anonymous

0 notes

iamsoneurotic · 6 years

Text

Enter, Levi: The Final Chapter Part I

Just when I thought I had been through it all… Enter Levi.

It’s currently 2 in the morning and I’m sitting in my kitchen with a freshly brewed cup of coffee. I must have a newborn! I feel like this particular post is going to take a long time to write because I’m using an iPad with the tiniest little Bluetooth keyboard ever built. My hands are so close together it’s like trying to type while playing “here’s the church, here’s the steeple”.

Screw it, I’ll just use the stupid virtual keyboard. The struggle is real, people.

Anyway, let’s just start from the beginning - It was Thursday and Rachael was incredibly uncomfortable. She had a checkup on Wednesday following a night of cramping and was found to be at 3cm. Ah Yes, the joys cervix circumferences again! As I’ve lamented many times before, the mention of that word still makes me want to self-lobotomize. It’s like nails on a chalkboard - if that chalkboard was located directly behind my sphincter. You know that feeling you get when you’re listening to somebody talk about losing a limb and you immediately start grabbing your own limbs just to make sure they’re all in tact? This is the same thing, except I have no cervix so I’m forced to improvise. Hence, sphincter.

Why am I telling you this. I’m sorry.

The baby had technically dropped but apparently there was still some room for him to drop more, and sadly 3cm + not fully dropped = no hospital admittance. It sucked, we had hoped she’d be further along. Granted we were still 12 days before the due date, but ever since the baby dropped, Rach had felt a TON of pressure in her backside and a lot of pain in various other areas. She was miserable. Later that evening we were at my parents and she began having actual contractions so we rushed home to get everything ready because as far as we were concerned it was ON. Rach went to bed and I got ready to make a pot of coffee in preparation for an all-night baby-extracting extravaganza! … Then the contractions stopped happening. Luckily Rach informed me of this before I made the coffee because she would have killed me if I had wasted a pot of her precious brown nectar.

Thursday arrived and still nothing, but the pain and pressure had intensified. To our knowledge, she had to be at least 8cm because the contractions from the night before were INTENSE, however the contractions were all but nonexistent now. Everything just seemed odd. At this point I had told Rachael to call her freaking doctor and make sure everything was alright - it all just seemed very concerning: Lots of pain, lots of pressure, then a night of contractions which just stopped happening with no explanation at all… Why is the female body so chaotic?? Rachael almost never listens to me when I tell her to call a doctor or go to the hospital because clearly that’s just too simple a solution - and if there’s one thing pregnant women are consistent in, it’s being irrational. Whatever though, we didn’t call a doctor and she continued to feel like crap for another night.

Can I just say that as a husband, when your wife is 9 months pregnant and miserable, be prepared to stand awkwardly by the bed doing nothing except making sad faces and saying “What can I do?”. That’s all we’re good for. Every time you offer to do something, she says there’s nothing you can do… But if you attempt to walk away (because nobody likes standing next to a bed frowning) she starts to moan uncomfortably as though your awkward presence is the only thing keeping her uterus from imploding. Also - don’t even attempt to rub her head, or her back, or hold her hand, or kiss her cheek, or really show any form of physical affection whatsoever because while your presence is apparently keeping her on life support, your touch is the bearer of pain and suffering. So don’t touch. Don’t talk. Don’t actually look directly at her. Stand there uncomfortably for as long as she requires you to stand there and keep frowning.

Finally, when she lets you leave the room, I would suggest leaving your phone behind, because the moment you sit down, you will be texted immediately about how uncomfortable she is… And your useless presence will again be required.

It’s like a Mexican stand-off except you don’t get the satisfaction of being shot at the end of it.

Per usual, I digress.

Friday morning came and Rachael was basically bedridden. Luckily her mom was in town from Maine and was able to help out a little while I worked from home to keep an eye on things. She decided to go with her mom and the boys to Dunkin Donuts. The girl could barely get in the car, but she sucked it up for the sake of getting out of the house for a little while… and also you don’t say no to Dunkin Donuts. It’s a rare delicacy here in Texas. There’s one that I’m aware of and it’s 20 minutes away. There could be more out there, but I’ve never seen one and ever since we’ve moved down here it’s become my white whale. Dear, Texas - get more Dunkin Donuts. Love, everybody ever. Anyway, my wife, my mother-in-law and the boys left and I got back to work. About 20 minutes later I got a text from my beautiful stubborn wife. “I’m effing miserable. Coming back. At DD now.”

So at this point I had finally had enough and demanded we go to the hospital - this time she obliged.

She got home about 20 minutes later and I ran out to the car to see Rach sitting in the passenger seat praying for the good Lord to put her out of her misery. I helped get the boys out and hurried them into the house so I could tend to Rachael. She was now standing beside the van in agony from all of the pressure and pain, balling her eyes out. I got our bags together and hurried us over to the hospital, fully expecting Rachael to be in full blown, 9cm labor…

4cm. What the serious EFF.

The nurse left the room and we waited for the doctor to return and banish us back to our home where nothing but a miserable existence of phantom labor pain awaited my poor, pregnant wife. It was a rough moment, but oddly enough the nurse walked back in and said she was admitting Rachael and they were going to break her water… BABY TIME!!!!

They started hooking Rachael up to all kinds of IV’s and machines and it was happening so quickly and unexpectedly that for a brief moment I envisioned the Beauty and the Beast “Be Our Guest” scene playing out - but instead of singing dinnerware, it was needles, blood and wires. It’s also possible I was just singing “Be Our Guest” to pass the time. Rachael thinks I sing too much. The IV’s are always a good time because Rachael was apparently born without veins, so whenever she needs to be hooked up at a hospital, they just stick her with needles until something draws blood. I doubt Rach even cared at this point, she was too busy puckering her butt cheeks to keep the baby from head-butting her in the anus... That’s obviously not what he was doing, but that’s what she said it felt like. Or maybe that is what he was doing. I literally do not understand female anatomy. Where do babies come out of again? It’s been a while…

I don’t know if any other dads agree, but I always feel like the nurses and doctors would rather I NOT be in the room. When you’re the father, nobody acknowledges your existence unless you’re in the way. If I stand too close to the bed I’m blocking something the nurse needs to get to. If I stand too far away from the bed, I look like I’m not being attentive to my wife… and also I’m still blocking something the nurse needs to get to. Being a dad in a hospital is the ultimate third-wheel experience.

Let’s skip to water breaking. Everybody loves a good water break.

They gave Rachael the epidural - which was absolutely horrifying because Rachael was fighting through a really bad cough. I don’t know if this was a life-threatening situation or not, but I can’t imagine a worse time to have a needle in your spinal cord than while suffering the sporadic condition of wildly convulsing until the tickle in your throat is gone. I’m happy to report that she didn’t cough and become paralyzed.

Anyway, wifey be all numb, time to break some water! The doctor pulled out that long pointy stick (the kind you kill vampires with) and rammed it on up there… Or maybe she slowly and carefully slid it up. I always close my eyes for this part. If talking about dilation is enough to make me want to die, shoving a sharp stick up there to break a baby balloon is more than my fragile neurosis can deal with. I always think I’m going to hear a pop, but instead all I ever hear Rach going “Ooooohhohoho man.”

So now the fun begins. Once Rachael’s water was broken, we focused on two wavy lines on the monitor. The top one was the baby’s heartbeat - it was blue. The bottom one monitored Rachael’s contractions - it was purple. I never pay attention to these things because I trust the doctors to understand them and relay to me any important information. What concerns me is when the nurse is intently staring at the monitor like she’s watching a murder happen and is constantly having Rachael switch positions on the bed. I get more concerned when I ask “Is everything okay?” and I have to wait 30 seconds to get a dang answer (it’s the same way with my boys, I always know they’re lying when they don’t answer me right away). So we both asked what was going on, and the nurse finally pointed out that with every contraction the baby’s heartbeat would drop. Supposedly this is normal, but the way the nurses were acting made me think something was definitely not normal. But we carried on.

5cm.

I’m real good at reading the monitor now - I’ve stared at it without blinking for at least a half an hour. Like clockwork the contraction goes up and the heart rate goes way down. The heart rate wasn’t even related to how big the contractions were. Small ones caused the heartbeat to drop just as much as the large ones did. At this point I was convinced that if Rachael were to fart the baby would just flatline. Rachael was becoming increasingly nervous, but fortunately she was facing away from the monitor so I could do my best to lie to her about what was going on. I’m a horrible liar. She at one point asked me if everything was okay (we seemed to be asking this a lot that day), and as I was saying “everything is fine” the heartbeat dropped WAY WAY WAY low and I dragged the word “fine” on for about 3 or 4 seconds like I was having a stroke.

So we prayed. There’s not much else you can do in those moments, just pray. The nurses were getting more and more distant, the heart rate wasn’t changing and we were a nervous wreck because we were getting no information and clearly something was wrong despite the fact we were constantly being told everything was normal and fine. Rachael finally made me ask if we should just do a C-Section. Or maybe she asked? I can’t remember. Somebody asked and the nurse replied with a big fat “Not sure yet”, then walked out of the room.

Comforting. But before Rachael and I could even really say anything to each other, the doctor came in with her nurse posse and declared “We have to do a C-Section right now.” They suspected the umbilical cord was wrapped around the baby’s neck, so without any hesitation, they rolled her off and threw a pair of scrubs at me as the door closed.

This moment is burned in my memory forever. I barely had a chance to tell Rachael that everything was going to be okay before they wheeled her away. I remember the look on her face, I remember the panic of knowing something is wrong with your baby... and then I remember just being alone in the room.

At least I wasn’t in the way anymore.

A few seconds later another nurse walked in and told me to get the scrubs on and if they didn’t have to put Rachael under, they’d bring me in for the procedure, otherwise I’d have to wait it out until it was done. I asked if everything was going to be okay and she replied that everything would be fine… I don’t even know why I asked, they said it was ‘fine’ every time and as it turned out, literally nothing was fine. I threw the scrubs on (luckily they informed me the scrubs go OVER the clothes, crisis averted) and I did what I was told: I waited. In moments of panic, the best solution is to just focus on what you need to do. The only problem was that there was nothing I could do. So I began frantically texting my parents about what was going on.

Word of advice - DON’T DO THIS. The knowledge of what was going on was bad enough, but to actually write it out and read it back to myself was horrifying.

So the tears start building up. I’ve officially been left alone with my thoughts for too long and with no distractions, and now I’m a neurotic mess. I hold it back though, knowing if I get called into that room I’d need to keep it together for Rachael. But then my mom called. If you’re on the verge of crying, don’t answer the phone when your mom calls. Awesome. Mom was crying, now I was crying, it was just a mess. So I hurry her off the phone because good lord, SOMEBODY needs to keep it the eff together and I start doing the routine - pacing, praying and panicing. For real, how long does it take to figure out if you’re going with anesthesia or numbness??

Enter nurse. I’m scrubbed up and ready to go… And then she tells me they put Rach under and I can’t go back. Fan-freaking-tastic. My heart sunk. My baby is being surgically removed from my unconscious wife and I’m standing in this room looking like a douche with a stupid pair of scrubs over my clothes trying not to freak out instead of being present for the birth of my child. As she explained the situation, I just looked down, attempting to pay attention but failing miserably because I was just doing my best to keep anymore tears from smudging my glasses. I don’t even remember what I said to her - I probably just asked if I could take the dang scrubs off now. There was literally no point in asking if anybody involved was okay because the answer was always “Yes, fine” regardless of how truthful that response was.

As the nurse rambled on sympathetically, another nurse walked in and started telling me the same thing - they had to put Rach under because the numbness wasn’t kicking in fast enough… Gee, thanks for the recap, this is just what I needed, a nurse with a hype-man. How thorough. I finally managed to ask how long it was going to take and the nurse replied very matter-of-factly: “Oh, the surgery is already done, he came out screaming. Everyone’s fine.”

…

Hey, here’s a thought, lady - LEAD WITH THAT NEXT TIME!

As I’ve made very clear at this point, I’m a man who cries, but I cry when it hurts. A joyful tear had never left my face until that moment, and the mention of my baby boy being okay was enough to not only shatter the floodgates, but also shatter the record for world’s ugliest cry... I ugly-cried hard. It was disgusting. I don’t even know what the nurse said after that, I didn’t care. At this point all I could think about was ripping my scrubs off like Hulk Hogan and kicking down the surgery doors to get my baby. But I refrained. The nurses left, and I again sat there and waited, trying to text my family through the tears that everything was alright.

As it had turned out, the doctor was right and the cord was indeed wrapped around his neck. They made a good call.

The next 10-15 minutes is a little hazy at this point. I know I called my brother to tell him everything that had just happened, but outside of that it’s all a blur. Right up until a nurse called me out of the room so I could finally see my third son for the first time. I almost knocked the doors over running out into the hallway just in time to see a nurse wheeling the bassinet up to me. I wasn’t even nervous, I knew he’d be beautiful - honestly, for all the trouble he put me through, he could have looked like a slug wrapped in bacon and he still would have been the most beautiful thing I’d ever laid eyes on because he was alive and he was with me.

… I’m happy to report he was the regular kind of beautiful though.

So on Friday, February 2nd, 2018 at 5:58pm, Levi Christopher Marianelli took his first insanely stressful breath into the world.

I asked if I could hold him. They said I couldn’t yet because due to the c-section, he was having some trouble breathing and they wanted to get him to an incubator - I think they saw the panic building up again and quickly told me that it was perfectly normal and he was already getting better, he just needed some help until he figured it out. Or something like that - really I couldn’t focus on anything anybody was telling me because I was so bent out of shape over everything. They gave me all of his measurements and I didn’t remember a single one. It’s not my job to remember these things, it’s Rachael’s job, and she was still unconscious. Crap, I haven’t even asked about her yet. Levi had a weight, he had a length, and luckily he had a name - and it’s a miracle I even remembered that little detail. In retrospect, I had a golden opportunity to name the boy anything I wanted! There was no buzzkill wife telling me I can’t name my own son Leviathan.

Fun Fact: “Leviathan” was actually the nickname we had given him after we decided on the name Levi and he began kicking Rachael’s fragile ribcage into oblivion every night.

Despite the fact I couldn’t remember his actual weight, I do know he’s the lightest baby we’ve had yet, and I’m okay with this. Noli’s a big boy and my arms can take no more.

I followed the nurses as they rolled Levi to the incubators, I just stared at him the whole time, rubbing his little head, taking a million pictures and silently thanking God for keeping him safe. As they prepared the incubator, they finally let me sit down and hold him while they got everything ready for him. Those few moments will always be one of my favorite memories. He was wide awake, but he was quiet as a mouse and so peaceful. I was so infatuated with him that I suddenly realized I hadn’t even asked about Rachael yet! I asked the nurse how Rach was doing. She let me know Rach was okay and asked if I wanted to see her. I didn’t want to put Levi down, but women hold grudges… “Yes. That would be delightful.”

I kid, I kid... Ish.

So I handed my son back over to the nurses, they placed him in the incubator and I followed another nameless nurse to see my wife… Only he didn’t take me to see my wife. He took me to the main desk to pay my stupid hospital bill. I should have been infuriated, but I applauded their tenacity and began to sign a whole mess of stuff without actually reading the fine print. It’s possible I sold Milo into scientific research and experimentation... He’ll be fine, I’m sure.

They brought me back to our room and told me Rach was awake and they’d be bringing her in shortly. Alone again. I sent the 8,000 pictures I took of Levi out to my family and stared at my phone as I received about a hundred “awwww” texts accompanied by a vast assortment of emojis and gifs. Then, like a dummy, I posted Levi’s picture to Facebook and announced him to every busybody I’ve ever known.

… Then I remembered that Rachael hadn’t even seen Levi yet and I had just sent his picture to every human being on the internet. This is why dads should NEVER be the only conscious people after a birth.

Finally, in rolled Rachael - a hot mess from the anesthesia. The poor girl was having a really rough time. She had told me later on that the last thing she remembered while being put under was having trouble breathing. So she went under thinking the baby was in danger and that she was about to suffocate… I’d say that’s a good enough reason to wake up freaking out. She was really upset, I felt horrible for her. She’d just gone through a really rough time and all she could do was beg to find out what happened to her baby. I quickly ran over to her and began telling her Levi was okay and that he was beautiful. She responded to it and sounded relieved, but would just start freaking out again seconds later and I’d have to keep reassuring her everything was okay. She’s always had a hard time coming off of anesthesia, it normally results in crying fits.

Eventually she began to calm down some, and it was just in time for Levi to come into the room. They brought him in and immediately put him in her arms. Rachael broke down crying as she held her baby boy for the first time and I started getting teary-eyed again (I need to watch some Schwarzenegger ASAP to replenish my man-supply… Wow that sounds dirty). I held it back this time though, just doing my best to take in the moment. I know I’ve said it about every birth we’ve had now, but it was one of the most beautiful sights I’d ever seen. Rachael finally had her baby and he was healthy, safe and sound. The girl hardly had any strength in her arms and she was covered in wires and IV’s, but holy crap did she keep a grip on that little boy. Moms are great.

It took 40 minutes in total from the time they rolled her away to the time she was reunited with her little Leviathan. Pretty impressive, though it felt like I had been waiting in that room by myself for a month. We always wanted an afternoon baby (thinking we’d be rested enough to enjoy him without being physically exhausted by a 3am birth), well we finally got our wish and it made zero difference whatsoever thanks to the most stressful 40 minutes of our lives.

Leviathan was an appropriate title after all.

Per usual, there’s a part II coming, but we’ll see how long that takes me to write… I’ve got 3 kids now.

I am but a man.

~ M.

#birth #baby #newborn #dad #daddy #Daddy blog #daddyblog #parenthood #parenting #fatherhood #father #humor #mom #mommy #infant #cute #boy #babyboy

1 note · View note

sharionpage · 6 years

Text

My Faith Crisis: What was Helpful? What was Hurtful?

The following is adapted from a talk prepared for a Stake Conference meeting two years ago in the United States. It was delivered by one of my good friends who was generous to share her experience (names and other personal information have been changed). While my friend’s story has somewhat of a “happy ending,” it is important to remember that not all stories will result in a return to activity in the church. In cases like this, it is even more vital that friends and family do everything they can to apply the “medicine” that my friend so vulnerably describes below and especially for the motivations that she describes. (Further excellent resources are linked to at the end.) We Mormons should also consider that the way we traditionally define “happy endings” is not necessarily the same way that our own religious tradition does, and that if we take Jesus at his word, we will all have “happy endings.”

…

Three-and-a-half years ago on New Year’s Eve, my husband Daniel and I were in the car, rushing our three-year-old son Joshua to the Emergency Room. We were at a friend’s house that night where he had unknowingly eaten a peanut and was having an anaphylactic reaction. As I was cradling him in my arms in the back of the car while my husband drove, I was literally watching his throat close and hearing him wheeze to death. Through tears both Daniel and I called out to Heavenly Father. We begged him to spare our son’s life. Although still frightened and unsure that we would make it to the hospital in time, we did feel God’s presence so strongly. Heaven felt so close it was almost as if the roof of the car was not there. Despite the craziness, as we were in route to the hospital, I felt prompted to call the ER and tell them we were on our way. I was able to give all our personal information, as well as the details of the situation, so that when we drove into the valet parking and ran out of the car with Joshua, whose eyes were now swollen shut and was close to being unresponsive, there was a nurse waiting for us who wheeled me back with Joshua in my arms to a room waiting with an entire crew of medical staff. Joshua was taken from my arms and in the good care of these physicians, nurses and medical assistants he received everything he needed to become well again.

This was a traumatic event for our family, and it changed the way we viewed and handled life. For example, we now carry an epipen with us at all times, and send it with Joshua wherever he goes. When we show up to a social gathering or ward activity, the first thing we do is scan the food and dessert table for potential threats. We have done a lot of work to help Joshua know what is a safe food and what is not. We have made several trips to the gas station to look at the candy and find the ones that have peanut butter. We have taught his older siblings to read food labels and to help look out for him as well. I now have a completely new understanding and empathy for families that deal with food allergies.

I am going to liken this story about my son Joshua to having a crisis of faith, or a “faith crisis.” A good definition for the term “faith crisis” is: “a term commonly applied, especially in Western culture, to periods of intense doubt and internal conflict about one’s preconceived beliefs or life decisions.” Two years ago I came upon some shocking and disturbing (at least to me) aspects of church history. Upon my discovery of these things, I had what you could call an “anaphylactic reaction.” Over the course of several months, I became unsure of my ability and desire to stay in the church because of the things I had learned about. In my mind, the historical facts didn’t add up to truth. My mind became filled with so much doubt, I thought about it every day, and I wasn’t sure how to fix it. Just as we cried out to Heavenly Father while driving to the hospital with Joshua, I prayed to Heavenly Father regularly and was completely honest with Him about how I was feeling about everything. Although still unsettled, I felt God’s love for me. He had his arms wrapped around me during this time, and I always felt that I was His daughter.

Although I had God’s love and presence in my life, I needed people. Just as Joshua needed medical professionals to put leads on his chest, hook him up to an IV drip, check his vitals, administer epinephrine and even give him a sticker at the end of the ordeal, I needed people who could help me through this difficult time in my life.

One mistake that I made was keeping my feelings, doubts and overall trauma to myself, with the exception of my saintly husband. I was scared to talk openly about this at church. I was afraid to confide in anybody. How could I, somebody who had once been able to stand and profess such absolute truth, now admit that I wasn’t sure if the Church was true anymore? So I kept it inside and although I showed up to church each Sunday, I was falling apart beneath the surface. Finally, after eight months of suffering in silence, I couldn’t handle it any longer and started to open up a bit about what I was thinking and struggling with. As you can imagine, I received a wide variety of reactions from people, some helpful and some hurtful, and even a few I would categorize as harmful. Here are some of the comments and reactions that were less than helpful:

“You’ve lost your faith.”

“What have you done to lose the Spirit?”

“Everything you’ve read is anti-Mormon material.”

“I feel badly for your kids and husband.”

“You don’t need to refer to this as a crisis.”

“You’re dark.”

“You’re status has fallen in the ward, you used to be on a pedestal, and now….”

“Do you feel the need to be angry?”

“You’re too smart, and if you’re not careful, you will intellectualize yourself right out of the Church.”

“It would be better for you to have broken the law of chastity than to have these doubts.”

And all conversations or interactions that had a hidden agenda, or people who actively distanced themselves for whatever reason.

All of these statements/actions were hurtful, and did nothing but push me further away and make me feel even less of a desire to remain in the church body. To get back to our medical analogy: this was not the right kind of medicine.

I have asked myself many times why would people react this way? Why do we sound the alarm, jump to conclusions or judgement so quickly, and become so defensive when people raise questions, concerns or doubts? Although perhaps well-intended by the speaker, these statements are hurtful every single time. They are also, at least in my case, untrue. I have come to the conclusion that often times, statements like these are based in fear. We fear that somebody who leaves the church won’t be happy anymore. Maybe we fear that they will make wrong choices. Do we fear that they won’t make it to the Celestial kingdom? It could just be that we fear the unknown, and that we have labeled things as anti-Mormon to prevent ourselves from facing hard facts. Or we tell ourselves that somebody is just lacking faith, or has sinned and lost the Spirit and that must be the reason they are questioning or uncertain.

What do the scriptures say about fear? 1 John 4:18 “perfect love casteth out fear.” What is a “perfect love?” When I think of a “perfect love” I think of Christ’s love: charity. In 1 Corinthians chapter 13, Paul teaches about charity in verses 1-8 and again in verse 13.

1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.

3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.

4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

8 Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.

13 And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.

Brothers and Sisters, according to this passage of scripture, charity, or the pure love of Christ, is even more important than our own faith and hope. This is a bold statement. How many of us are striving for that kind of charity? How important is it to you? As Paul says, it is even greater than faith and hope.

I have definitely been the recipient of great acts of charity, and while some of the responses received were hurtful, many more were helpful. Here are some responses and reactions that were very helpful:

“It’s okay.”

“I understand.”

“You’re normal now, most people have questions and doubts.”

“It’s a choice to believe.”

“You belong here.”

“It’s okay if you don’t know the church is true.”

A set of visiting teachers who truly befriended me. Who came every month and sometimes let me express my anger and frustration. Who never tried to change my mind or convince me to stay in the church. Who listened and loved and sometimes didn’t say anything at all. Who created a safe place for me to be me. Who cried with me, instead of for me.

A few sisters in my ward, who like my VTers, accepted me for who I was. Who weren’t afraid to talk with me about difficult issues. Who didn’t treat me like I was a project or a problem to be solved. Who didn’t judge, but rather supported and validated. Who told me I was a good person, no matter what church I went to or what my beliefs were. Who bore my burdens, and believed in me.

An elderly brother in our ward who, upon hearing of my struggle with faith, simply said with tears in his eyes, “I’ve been there too.”

A RS sister who finds me after every lesson I teach and whispers in my ear “You’re a spiritual giant.” (I know she is stretching the truth here, but it sure makes me feel good.)

A husband who has held me while I wept, picked me up when I have fallen, loved me fiercely through all my doubts/questions/concerns and heartaches. Who has been more patient and loving than I thought was humanly possible. Who has counseled me and listened to me endlessly. I can’t tell you of the late and long nights spent processing. Truly a loyal companion.

These kinds of responses are the right medicine. And when given the right medicine, chances are that people will heal.

This is not to say that I am the same as I was before. I didn’t magically go back to believing everything and having everything work out perfectly as it had seemed to before. Faith didn’t suddenly become easy for me. On occasion, it can be pretty hard for me still. Hope has become an important concept in my life and a common word in my vocabulary. Belief has become a choice. Even when people heal, they usually have scars of some sort. Just as my son Joshua’s life changed forever after learning what a serious allergy he had to peanuts, my life has changed forever as well. There are some “peanuts” for me at church now. I have a few things on the shelf, a few topics that I simply avoid or just try to be okay not thinking about too much. However, just as a child with allergies can learn to cope in life, so can somebody who has questions with faith. It might take a little more vigilance, but it can be done.

Because there were people in my life who truly cared about me and loved me with the pure love of Christ, I was able to find a place again in the Church. Because I chose to stay, I began to see and recognize things that have happened in my life that I can’t deny. The feelings that I had at my baptism, my patriarchal blessing, and a Priesthood blessing given to me about seven years ago by my husband that resulted in a miracle are things that I have not been able to explain away. These three experiences with the priesthood have, at times, been my only link to belief. I am hopeful that more witnesses will come with time, but if not, I believe and understand enough to keep on going forward. I can choose to believe and hold on to the good parts of the gospel and of this Church.

Let us have the courage to exercise charity, the pure love of Christ. It is so important to our Father in Heaven and the Lord. Let us be kind, let us suffer long, and let us create a safe place for people to be. A safe place for people who have differences of opinion, differences in their struggles, differences even in their faith. Let us be more like our Savior. Just as the scripture says, “Charity never faileth,” and I can testify that it won’t.

Other excellent resources include:

So, you want to help someone going through a faith crisis… by Uncorrelated Mormon

What to say to a friend who is leaving the Church by Jeff Swift

25 Things NOT to Say to a Loved One Leaving the Church (& what to say instead) by Julie de Azevedo Hanks

What To Do If Someone You Know Is Going Through A Faith Crisis by Boyd Peterson

Planted: Belief and Belonging in an Age of Doubt by Patrick Mason

Surviving a Faith Crisis (and How Church Members Can Help) by Patrick Mason

What Stage is Your Faith? by Dr. Greg

Gospel Topics Essays (Most LDS church members haven’t actually read these, or even know they exist. Before engaging in discussions with loved ones who struggle with hard issues, consider reading each of these essays carefully and thinking about their implications.)

My Faith Crisis: What was Helpful? What was Hurtful? published first on http://ift.tt/2wQcX5G

0 notes