#and i was still experiencing a lot of physical health issues along with it

[ruthlesslistener]

i fucking hate biomedicalizing anything about being trans because as much as i love understanding the world through a biological science perspective, the last thing that anyone needs is for there to be this quantifiable measurement on 'transness' out there for transphobes to get a hold of but at the same time. sometimes i look at myself- at how fucking sick i got when i was on estrogen and all the physical health problems i had before i went on testosterone and how they all seemed to have magically dissapeared as soon as i got on t- and i can't help but wonder if there's some genuine physical disconnect going on there. like i was physically wired to have a specifically masculine hormone balance and not having it once i hit puberty is why i was so physically fucked up even before i realized i was trans

idk, physiology is a complex mess of things and sex is a multi-tiered system affecting all parts of the body and multiple organ systems so its likely different for everyone bc of that (not even getting into social dynamics) but. the fact that i havent felt crushing fatigue and muscle weakness and unexplained bouts of nausea/gi issues and random bouts of muscle aching or sudden weight gain despite varying my diet and havent had the irregular debilitatingly painful periods or periods that literally never stopped once they started ever since i went on t is something that i cant help but think about

[kittytamasings]

Seeking help with $300 payment to grandpa by the 15th to keep peace under our roof

TL;DR I'm seeking $300 by the 15th to pay my grandpa so we can appease him and keep him off our backs while mom is away from home recovering from health issues. It's urgently needed so he won't call mom's phone to torture her over the payment. I want to make our burdens a little lighter with your help. More details below.

Life has turned upside down since last month. Mom experienced a mini stroke which led to her hospitalization. She did pull through and is now recovering her physical strength in the skilled nursing facility in preparation to come home, but she's had a host of various issues going on which contributed to her health issues.

She survived, but if she wasn't hospitalized when she was, she would have died that next morning. With much of my adult life being centered on caregiving for mom basically full-time, I've had to adjust my own lifestyle in the meantime which has been quite a challenge.

It's been a very stressful month navigating home life without her here. I'm not sure when exactly she's coming back home, but mom has been making amazing progress.

Meanwhile, poppy continues to be horrible to us. He says rude things, he makes passive aggressive moves at us in the form of leaving profanity-riddled handwritten notes on the door of his wardrobe in his bedroom or being passive aggressive things aren't clean enough to his standards. The usual. He hasn't been any nicer to us even knowing mom has been recovering and he even called up to the hospital to torment her a few times too. Sure, sometimes he'd be decent but there's almost always a catch with him when he's trying to butter people up.

To say I'm mentally drained is an understatement. But right now, while we are still figuring out moving stuff, it's taken a bit of a backseat to Mom's sudden stroke and other health issues. We'll be starting from basically the ground up when she comes home in terms of getting adjusted to home life once more with her back. I'm aiming for the $300 poppy needs for monthly payment stuff by the 15th. This will prevent him from being any worse to us as we try to take things day by day here awaiting mom's return home. I'm just trying to keep some peace under this roof and this is the big way to do that even if he's super critical and rude all the time.

It is a lot to ask for in a matter of four days, but think of it this way: if two people sent along $150, I'd hit my goal fairly quick. Or if three people donated $100. Regardless, any amount helps and gets me much much closer to my goal of being able to pay poppy so he can chill out and not be so awful to us while we're stuck living under his roof a while longer and adjusting to life. Please boost with reposts and such, I'm working really hard on things but I need to lean on others in these hard times. It's urgently needed by the 15th. This will also take stress off mom's shoulders because she's away from home still and poppy WILL call her cell phone to harass her if we don't appease him. You couldn't begin to understand if you don't live in this situation, all I ask for is compassion. Thank you for reading all this. Times have been scary and challenging but I'm trying my best to take them a day at a time.

[kishiar-la-orr]

in defense of first game kishiar,

turning is a finely crafted story. kuyu makes sure to ground every single one of their characters to the world that they live in, the world the story happens in.

today (as always) i am gonna talk about kishiar, but more specifically kishiar and his relationship to mortality, recontextualizing the things he did in the first game and all. super special humongous gigantic thanks to @kouraissant for helping me with this and bearing with my nonstop kishiar and mortality thoughts!

a lot of the things i'll be talking about also involves a degree of personal experiences and maybe a healthy dash of self-projection. as a disclaimer, you don't have to agree with me on anything and everything, but i'd rather some of the more personal parts to not be responded to rudely or unkindly. i will not tolerate that, sorry.

usual kishiar & mortality tw: canonical suicide attempt discussion, canonical self-harm, canonical death. be wary of spoilers.

1TL = first game/pre-regression/first timeline 2TL = second game/post-regression/second timeline

kishiar is a really fascinating character and his relationship with mortality moreso. a lot of the things that kishiar does, in my opinion, is very much colored by his circumstances growing up, specifically being born with the knowledge that second, third, etc. imperial children tend to be die young as if having 'major defects' be it physical or mental (ch 109) and ended up having no power, remaining unmarried and bowing their heads their whole lives (ch 14).

that is to say, all his life, he surely knows he can die quickly and easily, almost anytime. it's true that for everyone, death does come suddenly, but in kishiar la orr's life, death is like a childhood friend you don't like but are forced to get along with. again, this colors his whole life. this is the kind of circumstances that forces you to mature really quickly, to learn to be expressive and speak your thoughts like it's your last day, but to also learn to hold your tongue and bow down your head because you're a prince and your words still have consequences beyond normal children's would. you're forced to accept that this is the kind of life you will live and the kind of death you'll be documented as. by all accounts, i think that the current kishiar is really good at managing social situations however tricky they are, the fact that he's a rizzmaster, part of all those also comes from being used to having to process things quickly because you don't have the time to even live, being used to having to be expressive because god knows when your last day will be.

given all that as a background information, let's reexamine the conditions of 1TL.

i'd like to first point out that in 1TL, the very health and life expectancy that he used to not have pre-awakening was already given to kishiar during the awakening. i'm not too privy yet with the circumstances during the two years since the fall of the red stone to the cavalry recruitment in early canon, unfortunately, but i'll assume it was also time spent preparing and not just in silence, maybe even preparing for the cavalry to be created or searching for a cure for keilusa as well (though this is just personal theory). even so, two years really isn't that much time? soon after his awakening and tasting good health and better life expectancy the first time in his life, 1TL red stone retrieval mission happened, which forced kishiar to withdraw the divine sword without him meaning to and regained him the same vessel issues he's always experienced his whole life, basically bringing him back to square one after giving him the one thing he's always wanted his whole life. it's like the universe telling him: "look at everything you could have once had. endless possibilities. none of them are yours. not anymore."

to me, after at least 600+ chapters of reading, kishiar's character's basis is his loved ones. almost all of his actions can be traced back to him doing it in alignment with the position he has (being a prince and a duke) and out of the love he has for nathan, keilusa, and other people in his life. to be brought back to square one, struggling once again with the same old vessel issues, except worse this time, because many of the past imperial children didn't even make it to age thirty (ch 109) while he was already 29 and he almost died once already because of this very same thing.

expanding on his past experience with vessel issues and his response to it, from chapter 602 and chapter 160, likely kishiar's condition was so bad he might as well be almost dead before the timely awakening happened and immediately was followed by his second gender manifestation. he probably thought it was for real his death happening, not a surprise. he cleared off everyone and attempted suicide by touching the divine sword. that he cleared off everyone can also be argued as a selfless action, wanting to keep the smallest person possible to witness his impending doom, in order to save his loved ones from the heartache of seeing him suffer, try to kill himself and/or die.

it can also however be seen as selfish. after all, who is it that loves you and wants you to kill yourself?

this is where we will have to reiterate some points: kishiar is someone who's good at processing and expressing emotions. he's also good at knowing how to hold back and when to hold back from expressing said emotions. he's also someone who is logical and reasonable. and i also want to introduce some new points, that is: the universal fact that a lot of mental strain and generally bad mental health often cause irrationality in people, even someone who's perceived as reasonable or someone who's good at emotions. spiralling is called spiralling for a reason.

from the point of view of reason, leaving your cavalry commander mantle to the hyper-competent guy you happen to love to death, watching him get inaugurated, constantly visiting him, and of course, the pethuamet fight (which yuder 2TL classified as kishiar self-harming) are all illogical. kishiar's 1TL actions cannot be called reasonable or logical because they aren't. they are irrational the same way you and i get irrational when we're in extreme emotional duress. can anyone really claim to be logical when the threat of death looms so closely you can't even see it clearly anymore?

let's talk about some more things, like how the commander uniform he personally tailored for yuder (ch 625) is seen as yuder as unnecessary. logistically speaking, it really is unnecessary, it's not like yuder needed a new uniform when he can just wear kishiar's old ones and it'd probably just need some adjusting to fit better? but then it is explicitly stated by 2TL kishiar as 'hoping the person will wear them and think about the person who made it.' (ch 626)

also on the same conversation, 2TL kishiar stated that the strongest fear he has ever felt was during the late emperor's funeral, the feeling of being powerless, how frightening it was to look at the reality in front of him while he could only imagine what would happen to him, keilusa and the country in the future (ch 625). and in chapter further back, he also stated that in the tactical game, in the event that his special piece is almost caught by the enemy before he can use it, he would 'take the initiative and put it out as a bait in front of the enemy' (ch 105).

it paints a picture of this: it's not that he wants to do all these things, it's that who knows how to deal with death and the mental strain that comes with it when there are no actionable steps you can take, nothing under your control? he has a history of harming himself too, as i said, with the suicide attempt. in kishiar's case, the self-harm and the manifestation/post-awakening incident when he tried to kill himself, everything feels a bit more like struggling to feel a semblance of control in a world that is out of his control, when even his body feels out of his control all his life.

really, all of the things that can be deemed illogical, like ruining his relationships with everyone just so they feel less pain when he dies or like selfishly leaving yuder a legacy to care for or constantly visiting yuder even after his retirement, it stems from the selfish and very human desires of wanting to keep the loved ones near while he has time, trying to wrestle for a semblance of control, trying to leave anything useful at all that is within his capacity to give towards his loved ones for when after he's gone, grappling with all of the complicated emotions and love and care he has that he can't even act on. it's made even more complicated when you remember that kishiar isn't even suicidal originally. he's like this because of the circumstances thrusted upon his hands, he's only driven to that point because maybe he too doesn't want to die a dogshit death.

the upside is just because it's illogical doesn't mean it's treated callously or looked down upon. 1TL kishiar's actions are written beautifully by kuyu and never in a negative light. yuder himself has gripes about 1TL kishiar, but never outright insulted or downplayed his influences. if anything, the way yuder thinks of 1TL kishiar's actions, especially after knowing the imperial family's vessel issues, is very sympathetic (ch 293). in the words of our friend baby potat aloo,

like: look at this man trying to wrangle with his own tragic fate as best as he can while people he cares about most and people who care about him are unfortunately subjected to the pain of passively spectating his self-destructive ways of trying to gain some semblance of control (thinking of nathan and uuder) and/or secretive plans that seem like the 'best' choice in his opinion. nonetheless it's still about love.

that has been a long discussion over kishiar and mortality, kishiar and his loved ones as the basis of his motivation for every action. but let's not forget to talk about yuder, the one he has an almost-electric connection, deep and soulful, to. in a way, chapter 291's kishiar dialogue line "i feel like i can live now" can be seen as something he says out of love for yuder, because yuder is one of his loved ones, one of the ones he treasures the most. but also you can see it as another control thing. he's there out of his own accord, he came there through the window without being seen out of his own choice and yuder always 'tolerated' the situation, never reporting it. we can argue these are games and rendezvous they both consented to.

next, let's discuss: this is what he said in chapter 46, right before his death:

"...I wonder where it all went wrong. Thinking about it, it seems like it was when we retrieved the Red Stone." "..." "Yes... That's right. It must have been then that everything started going wrong. But even knowing that, I couldn't stop it. Because I had no other choice."

it rings so much of hopelessness, of someone who can't do anything but imagine a universe where the only thing he wanted in life was ripped away from him the moment it was bestowed. and then immediately dismissing it because it doesn't matter when it's already happened and the only thing he can do now is, just like the dukes before him, bow down his head and await for his death.

in later chapters, we also come to know that he cleared off the entire building and it was nearing his birthday when the assassination took place. we can also argue that this is euthanasia or assisted suicide, the executioner and helper is the one kishiar loves the most, who doesn't even really want to kill him. rather than a dogshit death he didn't choose, 1TL kishiar arranged it so that he dies in yuder's hands, knowing that it'd change his relationship with someone he loved so much, to die like a euthanised dog, spared the pain of unattainable hopes. in a way, it's a curse on yuder's memories, good or bad, of him, in a way, it's an act of making yourself an open wound. this too isn't rational, similarly to the way he leaves a personalized clothing for yuder's inauguration and new status as the cavalry commander or the way he gave him a name, this is a way of leaving behind a legacy, a desperate act of wanting to be remembered by his loved ones.

so, what's the point of all of this? nothing, i'm just a kishiar shooter. but also, everything. because the miscommunication in 1TL isn't one that can be so easily solved by speaking up. it's something that's integral to the story plotline, caused by the story circumstances, it's a testament too to how good kuyu's writing is and the complexity of kishiar as a character. it is, unfortunately, not as simple as just say you love him before you die. that is my conclusion.

some more unrelated, but perhaps also fun points:

i truly think, like a true self sabotage, kishiar's actions as an attempt to feel some semblance of control only works against him, making him feel more powerless and out of control

also this is for sure why he's so invested in healing keilusa

to another degree, cavalry in 2TL becomes his purpose and one of the major factors of his identity (the way it was to yuder 1TL, which is a discussion for another time), so in 1TL, stepping down could arguably also be seen as a loss of both authority/power and responsibility, leading to an even more 'out of control' feeling, even if he was indeed the one to step down out of his own accord, like no one forced him

1TL yuder was looked down on as a male omega leader, not man nor woman, commonborn cavalry commander who slept his way up. a lot of the things he did, even down to his fighting style, was also, to a certain point, a way of fighting for power, to look powerful and gain authority and be feared, if not respected. at the same time, kishiar didn't die instantly. he committed a lot of actions (as said earlier) that felt more like a grappling with control, which is just another form of power/authority. in a way, you can see these two foiling each other at the moment, struggling with power over how ppl perceive you (yuder) vs struggling with power over how you perceive yourself (kishiar). which is also funny because turning is also a story about power to me, what-with the catalyst to all of canon's plot being the red stone, which granted power to the people living in turning's canon universe

thanks for reading!

[egg-emperor]

I don't reflect on it much now but it's times like these where I get harsh reminders of how bad of a year 2022 was and realize how far I've come

Becoming the target of harassment and slander due to a combination of my Eggman creations and then being blamed for my abuse after learning the reasons behind it was really hard. I almost died months before that campaign even happened because I was in a terrible place anyway and some knew and still hurt me and made it worse. They made me regret surviving for a while. And if I expressed how hurt I was by it all, I was called manipulative

I lost so much in so many ways and had vile things said about me and my abuse and if it wasn't for the real friends and the lovely followers and anons who stuck by and supported me, I don't think I'd still be here. I was still acting out in terrible ways online for a while after because I was in an absolute awful place mentally due to irl and online struggles. There's a lot of deleted posts and DMs I regret but I genuinely wasn't thinking right for months, my mind was genuinely fucked

I developed some bad habits that I haven't fully recovered from and fluctuate between how bad they are but I'm glad it's one of the only things left to work on. The stress, anxiety, and depression of 2022 worsened my health issues a lot as last year I started experiencing increased fainting and other physical health issues. At that point I realized I needed a change for my safety and health. For a while I didn't even feel like I deserved to be helped so it was hard but I finally did it

Now I'm getting support with bills, going to doctor and hospital appointments to look into my disability for diagnosis and hopefully to be helped, I have a therapist I just started with. I'm personally not an SSRI meds kind of guy so I've been doing every other method to recover instead. I've also made a ton of progress mentally on my own with my mindset, it's far less of a negative and angry place than it was then. I manage how I deal with setbacks better, I don't feel like I'm back at square one when things get bad now

I spend far less time thinking about what happened or letting their negativity consume me. There's been a few times since where parts of it have come back up and it's been challenging at times but I can handle them more rationally and be the sensible level-headed one and assure that I don't go back to that place. It's okay for me to be hurt by it and realize what happened to me was wrong but I don't let it haunt me every moment anymore. It's no longer the first thing I think of when I wake and last when I go to sleep

And I've realized what really matters and what's really important to me. The passion and joyful expression of the things I love and all the great people that are still here that I have the delight of getting to know and talk to. There's still a lot of challenges coming up in the future but I'm happy that it has nothing to do with everything back then. I want to express myself and my passion and never feel the shame they wanted me to. I want to get better. I finally want to live. I have hope and believe better times are ahead

And I'm very grateful for everyone who is warm, kind and supportive of me along the way. I appreciate everyone who is accepting of me and make me feel like I finally belong somewhere. Thank you 💜

[nikonladyz4]

Fatal Addiction - Michael Jackson Documentary on Roku - Are there any parallels to BTS and in particular Jimin?

I just finished watching a documentary of Michael Jackson on Roku that chronicles his rise to international fame as the king of pop. The short documentary focused on his lost childhood, mental and physical abuse, extreme loneliness, extreme dieting for a dancer’s body and addiction to painkillers after his hair burning accident. Michael begin experiencing mental health issues of depression and anxiety after the first child molestation allegation. He also began taking strong anti-depressants and anxiety medication. All these drugs contributed to his early death.

I bring up this documentary because it made me think of the trials and tribulations that led up to BTS wanting to disband in 2018. And it also made me think of Jimin in particular, based on what he went through with his extreme weight loss to obtain a dancer’s body and his depression in 2017/18 and again in 2020-2022.

Jimin suffered betrayal by friends and staff, loneliness, chronic pain, bullying/hate by fans, insecurities and possibly self hatred of self until he accepted who he is. He also has issues not being able to live his authentic self due to the conservative nature of the military and his country. So how does/did he deal with all these issues? Abuse of alcohol, use of pain killers and multiple injections of steroids for his chronic pain. Will staying in the public eye and even living in Korea impede his long term happiness and mental health? Will continuing to dance impede his long term health?

Although I see many similarities to Michael Jackson, I also see some major differences. Jimin has achieved worldwide fame in just a short 12 years. Although he is not at the stature of MJ today as a solo artist, if he stays in the music industry over the next decade or so and really hones his craft, I think he can possibly achieve MJ’s status. However, that status will depend on staying healthy, physically and mentally along with overcoming his insecurities as a performer. The level that he dances now through pain and injury can result in long term health problems with the least being arthritis. Although Jimin recognized in 2022 that he was lost and drinking too much, he is still at risk of alcoholism. He has gone through major depression twice in the last ten years. He coped through the use of alcohol and he still drinks a lot. It is just his culture to consume lots of alcohol.  It is also part of their culture to unalive themselves when life becomes too difficult. S. Korea has the highest unalive rate for young people in the world.

Now some major differences I see is the positive support he receives from his family, members of BTS, and close friends. I also believe his personal relationship with Jungkook in particular keeps him grounded and feeling loved. In spite of the extreme hate he receives from a small, but loud portion of the fandom, the majority of the fandom loves and supports Jimin. Michael had a lot of people in his life, but few real friends. I believe Jimin has a few more people in his life that support him and keep him grounded. 

This post is not meant to be a negative against BTS and most importantly my bias of the group, Jimin. I was just interested in the comparison/contrast between two major superstars. I would love to hear your opinion on this topic as I may be completely off-base.

If interested, let's discuss with respect.

[dutchvanwinkle]

It Will Pass - Dutch x Reader

Happy New Year, friends! Decided to post this today bc I know the holidays can be tough for a lot of people, and in case you needed a cuddle from Dutch here it is <3

I wrote this with a chronically ill reader in mind, but it can read as mental health issues or just general unwellness.   

Link in case you prefer your snugs on ao3.

Summary: You're having an inevitable off day, and it brings out Dutch's soft side.

Word count: 1,511

Content warnings: Pure fluff!

The thing with being unwell, in the manner that you were, was that you were able to function most of the time. You could get on with your day like everyone else, the ailments troubling your body being there, but not quite forceful enough to knock you off your feet. Of course, you were grateful that things weren’t bad enough to stop you from experiencing all life had to offer, but that didn't negate how exhausting it could be. On some days, it became too much to handle, and you could no longer muster the strength to keep your head up. 

Today was such a day, ignoring the brightness of the landscape around you and instead pulling the blanket up to your chin and telling yourself five more minutes repeatedly until it was midday, when you still hadn’t shifted.  

Dutch was off working, which most of the time you were thankful for since you didn’t want to fuss in front of him, especially when there was nothing he could do about it; him often having an insatiable desire to fix every problem presented to him. Unfortunately, yours were problems that couldn’t be fixed so easily. But today, your physical and mental exhaustion had extended to emotional, and an overwhelming sadness, tinted with hopelessness, washed over you that you just couldn’t shake. You knew you’d probably feel better if you got out of bed, enjoyed the fresh air, went for a walk, had something to eat... but you just couldn’t. You wanted to lie in bed and pretend the world around you was still for a while.  

You curled up, cursing the parts of your body that protested and screwed your eyes shut in an attempt to quieten their pleas along with the thoughts in your mind.  

“Sweetheart?”  

Glancing over your shoulder, you watched Dutch enter the tent with a mug clutched in his hand and slow steam rising from it.  

“Sorry, I’ll get up soon,” you murmured, guilt rising at the non-existent contributions you’d made to the gang that day. Usually, you’d be raring to do all the chores that needed doing, or join the others out on a job, or go into town to find leads of your own. What you hated the most was that you were more than capable of getting up and do those things, but your motivation had wavered to nothing.

Dutch only shook his head, his brow creasing as he took tentative steps towards you until he was sat on the edge of the bed. “Is everything alright?”  

“I’m fine,” you shifted onto your back to avoid straining your neck to look at him, “I thought you were out for the day?”  

“We got finished early,” he stated, leaning over to place the mug on the small table beside the cot, and remaining in his position to run his thumb over your temple. “Stop changing the subject. What’s hurting?”  

One of your favourite things about Dutch was his voice. The way he was able to convey so much emotion through it by its tone, volume, and of course his voice cracks. While you loved it when he was passionate and making a speech, assertive when giving out orders, growling when the two of you were intimate, the rarity of it being soft and concerned was always a breath of fresh air that few had the privilege of breathing.  

You shrugged, not wanting to admit that truthfully nothing was hurting that much, and risk him thinking you were being overly dramatic.   

“I see,” he hummed, and you weren’t too sure what he was referring to but then he stood, stripping down to his union suit and pulling back your covers to join you underneath them. He opened his arms in an embrace for you to fall into, which you did gladly and nestled into the warmth of his broad chest, thankful that he hadn’t pressed you further on the matter.  

The truth was that he didn’t need to, he understood without you saying explicitly that you just needed someone else to take the weight, if only for a short while. You never wanted it to be him, though, knowing the heaviness of the duties already pressing down on his shoulders.  

“I’m fine, really,” you mumbled into him to lament your falsehood, muffled by the fabric that separated you from his skin.  

Mhm, was all he responded with as he began stroking your hair, tenderly and not tangling it up to avoid causing you any further distress. He pulled you further in, and the smell and feeling of home getting all too overwhelming for you. You willed yourself not to cry, but it felt so safe in his arms, and you couldn’t help but let the floodgates creep open.  

“Now now, darling,” he shifted to look down at you, but you remained where you were since you didn’t want him to see you cry. You always wanted to be a support for him, something sturdy that he could rely on, not something pathetic and emotional that he had to take care of.  

“Look at me, please.” His hand gingerly cupped your jaw and gently willed you to follow his command, which you did hesitantly.   

The expression that met your tear-soaked one was still concerned but filled with a promise that told you it’d all be okay. You wondered if it was his intention, as those beautiful dark eyes bore into yours. His thumb ran under your eyes to dry your tears, and you sniffled. “I’m sorry.”  

“Stop apologising,” he chastised you gently, kissing your forehead before returning his gaze to you. “It’s okay, you know? It’s all okay. This feeling will pass, I promise.”  

“I know,” you nodded, and you did know. You’d known that morning when you woke up; the feeling will pass and by tomorrow you’ll be back to yourself. Sometimes, it just takes a small pity party before you can get to that point.  

“You are the most precious thing to me. I will always be in awe of how much you manage to carry,” he took a breath to press his thumb on your bottom lip, “all without complaining. But it’s okay, you can complain if you want to. You have every right. I know it’s tough, and you need to give some of that weight to me every now and again.”  

You could only nod, not sure if you’d ever fully believe those words but glad to hear them all the same.  

“Is this helping?” he asked, and you nodded as fervently as you could manage. “Then we’ll stay like this until you feel better.”  

“Dutch, no, it’s okay – you go and carry on with your work, I’ll be fine, don’t worry -”  

“My darling,” he chuckled with the raise of an eyebrow, “are you telling me what to do?”

You managed a small smile, your first one of the day, which softened his features somewhat.  

“Because I can assure you,” he continued, “there’s nowhere else I’d rather be right now.”  

“You’re sure?”  

“Positive,” he cradled your face in his hand, hands that had caused a lot of pain to many but right now were your greatest source of comfort. He nodded his head in the direction of the table behind him, “try some of that tea for me?”  

You shifted up onto your elbow, reaching over him and grabbing the mug to take a few sips. It was peppermint, you knew that much, one of your favourites and there was other stuff in there though you couldn’t pick out what it was. “Did you make it?”  

“Depends.”  

“On what?”  

“Do you like it?”  

You smirked, taking another few sips before setting it back down and nestling back into his embrace. “I do.”  

“Then yes, I did,” he admitted, though you weren’t sure if he was lying, or partially lying – you'd be sure to ask Hosea later whether it was his doing or whether he’d assisted him. You didn’t mind either way.  

“Well, thanks, in that case,” you snorted, slotting your leg in between his.   

“My pleasure,” he hummed, satisfied with himself. “Would you like me to read to you?”  

You shook your head, quick to correct yourself as you didn’t want him thinking you didn’t enjoy him reading to you; you did, but right now you wanted to lose yourself in him, the aggressive outlaw that also happened to be the gentlest person you’d ever met. “Could you just... talk to me? About your day, or a recent event?”  

“Course,” his voice rumbled soothingly as he pulled your frame closer, tucking your head under his chin and you were more comfortable there than you’d been all day. He paused for a moment, thinking of which story to tell before he began telling it while you listened to the faint rhythm of his heart. “So, you know how Trelawny hasn’t been around for a while? Well, you’ll never guess where Arthur and I found him this morning...”

You smiled to yourself as you found sanctuary in his words; it would all be okay.

[xanadontit]

TW Eating Disorders 

A good friend of mine is finally getting serious treatment for a longtime eating disorder. She shared with me this winter that after a lot of work with a therapist that the ED is the source of her “mystery” health issues - physical and mental. This was not a shock to me at all; I clocked her as having an ED within days of meeting her. Just... a lot of classic signs that are sadly familiar to me. 

Therapy, lab work, and weekly check-ins with a specialist aren’t yielding the results the doc would like to see by now. Her electrolytes are dangerously low, she’s in menopause (at 34), has osteoporosis, and in the last two weeks has experienced a neurological event and had a bleeding ulcer. The specialist is confident that most of this can be reversed (if only partially) but her work at home isn’t enough. I’m worried she’s not being totally honest about what/how much she’s eating and if she has backed off on her intense workouts. 

She’s starting an intense outpatient program tomorrow where she can be observed and monitored so they can figure out what’s going right, where there’s room for improvement, and why she isn’t quite as far along in terms of seeing the needle move as well as more therapy. She’s understandably anxious and scared (”if they try to force feed me I’m out”) but also seems to think one bagel should do the trick and she can go back to normal. I don’t know why she thinks 15 years of depriving her body of nutrients won’t take serious time to repair. But I’m worried about saying that to her. I don’t want to kick her while she’s feeling vulnerable and scared but it’s hard to hear “this better not be a time suck” and not say “you’ve gotta be kidding me right?” Maybe on some level she knows this intellectually but it’s hard to break out of an ingrained pattern. 

In the midst of all this I’m having a hard time protecting myself and need to work on that. She is still carrying a lot of shame about this and as far as I know has only told her husband, dad, and me about the extent of what’s going on. She’ll talk about what she ate in a day and describe herself as a “fat piece of shit” with a laugh emoji and I’m like “yeah that’s what I ate today, too, COOL THANKS.” I know that eating a sandwich isn’t actually insane and she’s the one working through some shit but woof. I have done a lot of work on myself and maybe this makes me a lesser person but I’m not able to hear that and take it and let it roll off my back. I hate to use this word but it’s kind of triggering? And when I’m feeling a bit down on myself straight up hurtful. And again: I know she’s not saying it to make me feel bad and I know it’s not about me but I’m still a person! One with feelings! I want to be a source of support and compassion but I can’t get lost in that. 

[actuallylorelaigilmore]

disordered eating things

today i survived my second therapy appointment--this was the first one focused on my food issues. my therapist (who’s still training, she’s technically not a therapist yet) has no experience working with eating disorders, so she did research on ARFID at my request before this second visit. 

so she asked me questions today, then more follow-up ones, and then told me that while she will be consulting other experts and she definitely wants to help me with my food habits that are concerning, i don’t fit the diagnostic criteria of ARFID as she understands them because...i’m fat. 

she didn’t phrase it that way, but that was the essence of it, because according to her understanding of what she’s reading, a diagnosis requires significant weight loss, severe nutritional issues, or otherwise suffering things like being unable to get out of bed or using a feeding tube. 

(she tried to explain it with a comparison using anorexia, but it still didn’t make sense to me because it seemed to be implying that someone whose behavior is anorexic who still ‘functions’ in their life despite their symptoms wouldn’t be considered anorexic. and when i asked for clarity about that, she said that no, they would be--which still leaves me wondering how i could then have symptoms but not be disordered technically due to my weight or my health problems being not bad enough.)

i pushed back against everything she said that i didn’t understand, or that didn’t match my knowledge of ARFID--it can be a struggle for me to stay focused and stand up for myself with medical professionals but i’m trying really hard in this case. and since i know lots of people with disordered eating have trouble getting help when they’re fat, i was aware this might happen, so it was important to me to clarify how negatively and severely my life is impacted by my food struggles. 

(also i’ve lost nearly 40 pounds in less than a year without any exercise because my eating has gotten so much worse, and i just learned i have a major zinc deficiency after i had to take supplements for years to fix a B deficiency that got so bad i couldn’t walk. so i even have the health effects she was talking about. i’m just not dangerously thin, and am therefore regarded as not-disordered.)

in a month, i’ll see her again in person and see what further insight she’s gained from her colleagues. i won’t be shocked if the anti-fat bias in my healthcare system means she concludes that i don’t have an eating disorder, even as my ‘safe foods’ keep growing more restricted and right now i’m surviving on mostly toast, mac & cheese, fries and popcorn. 

the good news is that she does mean well and we get along okay, so she’s listened thus far and understands me as well as any non-autistic, non-experienced-with-spectrum-folks therapist can. i just may not get a diagnosis unless someday i can access one of the very few places/professionals that’s experienced with ARFID and knows the nuances in how it can affect people.

most likely in the meantime she’ll be helping me with the psychological side of my food issues without the label, and she knows i want guidance on how to find help with the physical stuff that isn’t her area. i know i can’t fix this on my own, and at least i’m trying to navigate a really complicated system despite how frustrating it is. i always feel great relief when i’m done with an appointment, but i also feel hopeful about this. so that’s nice.

[larcenywrites]

And which one is your favorite? 👀

NOT AGAIN AH I wanna go for young but I DONT KNOW BECAUSE LIKE- GAH there’s so much to unpack there and then when I say one, I’m like “oh, but x has these qualities too which I love writing about” uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh I think still young only because that’s something that can be played around with a little more I feel like? Like that’s such a clean slate to draw on because there’s not as much info there as opposed to the older Tony we all know very well and know what’s out of character or what he has or hasn’t done! Like of course there’s still some things we know for sure about his younger self and certain things would only make sense A Certain Way, but for the most part anyone can interpret him in many different ways and pretty much all of it can make sense! And I do think that’s neat and fun :D

But it’s also interesting to think and write about, well, Iron Man! Because there’s a lot that can also be unpacked and interpreted there! From trauma and domestic life to juggling happiness and health- because that’s a much more complicated life! But I love to write and think about him pre!iron man as well, but not like I would write younger Tony. While he’s still been that billionaire playboy CEO but not quite yet Iron Man. There’s plenty to try and sift through there too- Especially if you wanna analyze how he made it to that point and why he acts like that! And through the power of fiction, we can theorize and create a world where Tony had some better help along the way in those younger years that could’ve prevented that altogether.

Overall it’s hard to choose because this character is so so dynamic and lovely but at the same time still open to so much interpretation! But that’s just if we’re talking about nothing more than the interest in writing and interpreting.

Our younger version here is obviously still pretty experienced, though still with emotional distress that shows up during a hard fucking as much as during the willing vulnerability of a sweet forehead kiss. He’s still learning (in many different ways) and it can be shown in, well, many different ways! He’s simply more overpowering than dominating, and trying to find release and comfort and even love in these physical pursuits. As we head into those older versions it still gets just as dynamic. Probably mostly uncaring and unattached for a while- this time it really is nothing more than stress relief and perhaps the fucked up triumph of an asshole with a reputation to keep. Anything more is too vulnerable now and too much of a hassle, not after everything that’s happened and the reworking of that newly fragiled mind that built walls to unfortunately keep the bad stuff in and keep the good stuff out (though it wasn’t entirely his own doing- and not consciously at least). Maybe there’s a fleeting thought here and there. Someone’s hung around in his bed a few too many times and he starts to think it could be a nice thing to have. That maybe he should actually try to be… something. But that sounds like a long commitment and fixing up all those internal issues and then the thought becomes exhausting. He’s too tired. He’s too busy. He doesn’t have that kind of time- hell, he could do so much more with all that time. All he has to do is cut off that contact and go on with what’s always been normal and what’s always worked.

But then, something happens. No, unfortunately nothing good. Something about a military demonstration gone wrong, terrorist-inhabited caves in the desert, being kidnapped for forced labor, something not mentioned but not well hidden under his shirt… No one needs to know anymore than that. For the first time since 1991, the fear of a future unknown combined with a another youth wasted spent on autopilot catches up to him, but this time his pursuit for peace of mind isn’t quite so destructive (or is it?). And now, faced with mortality and morality, so many switches are flipping in that head and if he doesn’t try to do these things now he might not ever be able to. Maybe he can make room for love, finally- no, he can. And whoever’s unlucky enough to end up in his arms, he’ll be sure to show his gratitude in every way.

We skip ahead and hopefully by now he’s with someone, because dear god does he need an anchor he can trust and it would be far too difficult to find one now. It would be far to difficult to deal with all of this all on his own. The stress of the world is quite literally on his shoulder, and the distress is evident in the way he works and the way he walks. The only safe space left is in his own home and preferably in the arms of that anchor. The distress is evident in the way he hides and the way he holds. He can’t control the sky falling out or even his own damn team or even his own weapons at times, but here he can control the narrative and spill out the day’s trauma, and in return replace it with something more gentle and sweet when he decides it’s safe to give up that control again- but this time on his own terms.

He’ll never quite escape the trouble and heartbreak that’s haunted him since childhood. Maybe it’s because he’s never actually changed? Is he the same person now as he used to be? Does he want to be? Do others want him to be? He can rethink it all he wants and what could have been, but perhaps the story would’ve always came out the same. Maybe it boils down to who’s story could be manipulated the most, or who deserves more to have their unfortunate tale mended by the end. As much as I would love to show him how to love and make those early tragedies and hardships easier to bear and without all those bad habits and isolated walls, I find it hard to say that I wouldn’t just as easily give everything up to clean those wounds in a warm bath and finally bring comfort to a hero that doesn’t want to be strong anymore.

Which one is your favorite?

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi, this is Chantal again. I'm not sure if you got my first ask, I still have it saved if you need me to resend it, but if you got it already, this is just an update on how things are going (tw for alcohol, chronic health issues, and death).

So my situation has gotten way more difficult lately and it's all connected to family issues. I mentioned in my first ask that I had a relative near death, it was my uncle (husband of the aunt who copes by drinking). He passed away (making it the second death I've had in my family in only 3 months). And once again I had to go through an extremely emotionally draining and disturbing funeral.

Now my aunt moved in with us. She brought alcohol into the house and she's constantly making references to drinking, including making a joke where she said alcohol is the "over-the-counter version" of an anti-anxiety medication. And now my mom is set to have surgery later this month. She's been in a very bad mood lately because she and my aunt get into a lot of disagreements. If I'm getting along with my aunt while my mom is mad at my aunt, my mom takes it as us supposedly teaming up against her. But if I get my aunt upset while my mom is on good terms with her, then my aunt complains to my mom about me, and my mom gets angry at me for not being nicer to her (even if it's just something like me responding in a less cheerful way than usual thanks to being tired, stressed, or in pain).

Basically everything from the first ask is still the same (my schedule is even worse now with my aunt living with us since I feel like it's really disrupted things, I'm getting frequent pain episodes, experiencing physical flare-ups from the intense amounts of emotional/mental distress I'm going through, and still don't have a doctor). I'm still feeling a huge amount of guilt over how I let my mental health negatively impact my physical health. And it just feels like I'm constantly overwhelmed and don't know how to handle anything since no one around me copes in healthy ways either and I feel extremely alone and hopeless. I am sort of back to work but I'm constantly feeling distracted, less productive than usual, underconfident in my abilities, and I'm always panicked about messing up. I feel like this can't last forever but at the same time it really does feel like it's one awful thing after the next and I can just never get a break. And I don't know how I should deal with things because I just feel like a mess beyond hope and shit keeps happening.

Hi Chantal,

I'm so sorry to hear that things have gotten worse since you last wrote in. I'm so sorry for your most recent loss. It's understandable that the funeral was draining for you.

It sounds like the relationships between you, your mom, and your aunt are becoming complicated as well, and they seem to be unable to recognize that you tend to have a more neutral stance whereas they either see you as for or against them, which only creates more conflict between each other.

Please know that there's no need to feel guilty for your mental health impacting your physical health because sometimes you can't necessarily prevent that from happening. I think it may be helpful to focus less on how your mental health is impacting your physical health and more on what's impacting your mental health to create that chain effect, identifying a root cause (or several, because there are many things).

I think in times like this it can be hard to remain hopeful that the future will be calmer for you. If possible, you may want to look into some mindfulness exercises as well as some self care practices to at least temporarily help relieve the stress of everything that's been going on for you.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[meditating-dog-lover]

Health update (tw) - I feel so sick but at least I know what's causing it so I can address it.

I'm feeling okay. It's day 2 of my cycle, so I experienced some skin inflammation, which is common at this time of the month.

My face and neck were inflamed Saturday morning. So I decided to switch to more gentle and natural skin care and bough some products as well. I'm also considering washing my face with cleansers less often and use plain water instead. I am obsessed with hygiene and was my hands often, and I wash my face and neck daily and brush and floss every day too, and I shower and wash my hair often. While hygiene is important, I feel like I tend to overdo it at times. This leaves me with dry and inflamed hands, brittle nails, dry hair and facial/neck skin. So I'm going to find a way where I can maintain good hygiene without torturing my skin.

I've bought some gentle and natural skin care products. I bought a cleanser, a moisturizer, and a rescue balm (for hands and lips). They look great, but the balm is expensive. Though I tried the cleanser and moisturizer from the same brand and they were so soothing and healing. I have sensitive hands, and normal over the counter skin care products and lotions burn my skin. Cerave, Aveeno, La Roche Posay, Cetaphil, Vanicream, etc... I applied some of the moisturizer along with some zinc oxide ointment onto my hands and it felt soothing and healing, no burning or stinging or itching. It felt like it had an anti-inflammatory effect. I'm going to continue to use this along with the cleanser and moisturizer, not overcleansing, and cycling my fasts.

Using alternative non-drugstore products can help. For example, I use non-drugstore toothpaste and coconut oil as mouthwash. I'll eventually do the same for skin and hair products.

Because I'm on week 1 of my cycle, I am now back to fasting. If I experience any inflammation again, I will quit the fast. Unfortunately with my prolonged fasting, I experienced a lot of inflammation and fatigue, which in turn elevated my A1C and lipid results, and messed with my hormones and mental health. My diet has not changed, so I'm not consuming any more sugar or fats. I know the inflammation and fatigue are responsible for it. I can ask my doctor, but I'm going to quit longterm 16-8 fasting because it really fucked with my hormones and stress and lipid/sugar profile. It got so bad I've considered self-h@rm and taking my own life. I feel so sick, it's made me feel hopeless and depressed. But at least I know what the cause is. So I can figure out how to cycle it without creating more inflammation and depression and without gaining the weight back. My hormones will go back to normal, as well as my skin and energy and sugar/lipids. It may take some time, but it's okay because if I see minor improvements I know it's working and I'm headed towards the right direction. I'll still ask my doctor why I got these results.

I still have to wait on my h pylori results and mineral scan for next week. Which is another health concern I have to worry about. I don't want anymore issues. But this will help my gut health and nutrient digestion and absorption outside of skin and hormone and fast health. So it is important. BUT after this, no more doctors and no more tests. And no more hiding stuff from my mom, who is the only person besides myself who will physically heal me.

My mom recommended I take barley grass juice powder, but it tastes awful. I don't want to overwhelm myself with supplements and foods that are "healthy" but taste horrible imo. But I'm going to do it for her.

So now I just want to cycle my fasting to support my hormones, switch to gentle and natural skincare, and reevaluate how often I cleanse, wash, and shower. Then I will wait on my h pylori test, talk with my doctor, and do my mineral scan. Then I'm taking a break from seeing doctors behind my mom's back due to my obsessive hypochondria. Then I'll see the psychiatrist and then I'll see a psychologist and dentist with my mom. But my health has been causing me a lot of stress, anxiety, trauma, and depression. To the point where I'm considering serious self-h@rm if something compromises my health. I know this week I'll take care of my fasting, hormones, skin care products, and washing/cleansing. Then I'll get to the h pylori and mineral scan/gut health evaluation. I'm even concerned that my fasting might have caused even more nutritional deficiencies, I am so worried.

I went through this thinking I'd be doing my health a favor, but I've never felt this sick before. The last time I felt this sick was in college and the gap year I took where I had an ed and experienced frequent rashes and skin infections and hair loss and distress. I need to remind myself that prolonged food and calorie restriction makes me so sick despite getting me down to a healthy weight. Yes I'm thinner than I was months ago, but I'm also much sicker inside and out.

Eating well, not restricting (balance - I had chocolate caramel pieces and pretzels on Saturday), fasting when appropriate, going out for gentle walks with my dogs, using natural and gentle products (skin, hair, oral, kitchen, soaps, laundry) and not overwashing nor overcleansing, supplementing to fill in nutritional gaps (the only reason to take supplements imo), gut support (I'll get to this without obsessing, I'll figure it out next week after my h pylori and scan results), and a psychological support system will help a lot. A gentle workout like yoga too (I want to avoid anything hard that will overwhelm me). Health is about balance and minimalism, going too far with something I think is "healthy" can really backfire, as is the case with my fasting. I know I'm going to find that healthy balance. Health doesn't come from overdoing things, it comes from balance, minimalism and a supportive community. I'll get the hang of it because I'm on the right path. Now that I quit fasting I'm going to see improvements in my hormonal health, inflammation, fatigue, skin, and mood.

[the-crisscrossed-system]

I know this blog is about our DID but I need to take a moment to vent about some of the other things we deal with and my experiences with them as a part that hasn’t been around in a while (In case you’ve been following along, yes I’m the same unnamed part from previous posts. I’m still around. It’s been rough, what can I say?)

So we have EDS and POTS. I was told this by our partner. I did not know we had names for these experiences until they told me the other day. They told me because I’ve been dealing with the symptoms of these illnesses since I got here. I’ve been in constant pain, by joints have been aching and doing that partial dislocation thing, I’ve had a headache damn near daily, I keep feeling faint; all in all I’ve been roughly pushed into the deep end of our physical health. But that’s the thing, I’ve never experienced our health be this bad before. The last time I was around for a significant amount of time by myself was high school. And yes we had issues here or there. Our one knee has been dislocating since middle school. Our wrists would hurt if we were writing too much for class or homework and a lot of the time we’d almost faint after getting out of the shower. But it was never this bad. I never experienced it this bad. And that’s shocking to me.

It’s been years since I’ve been solidly around. I was around like two or three times in college but they were all short periods where I wasn’t alone and was distracted by my trauma or some life event. This is the first time since high school that I’ve been able to sit in the body and live in it and feel my shoulder pop every time I move it and feel faint every time I stand and all of that fun shit that those who are around have called their life.

In the past couple of days I’ve essentially had to start coming to terms with the fact that I’m disabled. Now again, we’ve had some sort of problem most of our life, we’ve never lived normally, we have always felt like we were missing out and have mourned a lot of “normal kid/teen things” we never got to do but this is the first time I have had to sit with the fact that I have chronic illnesses that have names and affect me daily. I’m doing what I’m sure those of us who live life normally did a long time ago. And yes, I’m struggling with that a bit. Maybe I am in a bit of denial. Maybe some part of me believed that things would have gotten better in the years that I wasn’t around. That something would have helped. But it hasn’t. And I need to accept that. I’m disabled. We’re disabled. And I have to accept that.

I think one of the worst things about this is that I know deep down this won’t be the last time we go through this. Someone else like me, someone who hasn’t been around in a while will most likely be doing exactly what I’m doing now at some point in the future because of how DID works. We will probably cycle through this mourning process a lot more throughout our life and that’s hard to think about.

As a side note I want to point out that no, I wasn’t having this same crisis about the knowledge that hey, we have DID. It has a name. Because I knew I was a part of a whole long before the host knew that. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t know right away, but some time in high school I was self aware enough to figure out that something was wrong and went from there. And then when I was around in college those few times I found out it had a name and blah blah blah. Now don’t expect me to use proper names or terminology for anything at all. I’m not knowledgeable like that and am only using words and terms and descriptions that feel right and convey my experiences. So don’t get your torches and pitchforks out or anything over incorrect terminology. I’m just some guy, okay?

[creamypudding]

Getting Fit

I have a few passions in life: plants, animals, making my favourite fictional boys kiss, and exercise. 

The last one I’ve had a very on and off relationship with and this post is about my rediscovery of the passion for it.

I was a very typical teenage girl to whom sports was very uncool and I did it only because I had to as part of the school curriculum. I was never very good at anything in particular, except for running. I made it through to a regional cross country race once, though that didn’t eventuate in anything significant. Despite being good at running I didn’t care to pursue it and I didn’t gravitate toward anything else, so once I finished school my relationship with physical activity ended.

In my mid 20′s I connected with it in a big way. I had health issues caused by my weight and I was sick of taking medicine to manage it. I was convinced that losing weight would help me, even though (and I remember this vividly) my health professional scoffed when I told her I was coming off the meds and that I was going to get fit. Needless to say, I didn’t go back to her.

Anyway, back then I was blessed to live in a gorgeous place with ample nature so I went trail running. Though it was mostly walking interspersed with jogging. I did it almost every day for a solid two months during summer break. I reconnected with my enjoyment of running and I had goals to be able to run the full 7km (4.3miles) without stopping. I enjoyed lasting longer, needing to take fewer walking breaks, and cutting down the time it took. I did manage to reach my goal eventually. I also branched out to going to a gym and doing fitness classes which I really enjoyed. I got into a lot of weight training and managed to lose 14kg (30lb) over the course of a year.

I was happy. My body liked me for having shed the weight. I engaged in several obstacle courses over the years, and I wasn’t too fussed with what I ate because I kept up the exercise.

But then life changed. I moved away from my nature track and further away from the gym I liked. I was walking more to and from work but it wasn’t the same. Weight slowly crept up but it wasn’t a concern for me. I was still fit and in the range I deemed acceptable.

Then I got pregnant, which was a very deliberate choice. Inevitably I got heavier but it didn’t bother me because I was still active and I knew that weight wasn’t mine. Birth was the fastest weight loss I ever experienced 😂 and breast feeding helped lose the extra kilos.

Having to look after a small human left me with no time or energy for myself and over the past 5 years I’ve had several weight loss attempts that fell through. I tried going to a gym that was closer to me, but it was still far enough away to be a hassle and I didn’t connect with any of the classes or activities I tried.

I attempted to go running around my local area as there were parks but it was along busy roads and the vibe was never the same as running through nature along a river. COVID also happened, which gave me a bit more time to exercise, but as I started to get into some kind of routine I lost my job, got depressed, and moved house again.

This time it was even further away from a gym, though I now live in a nicer, less busy area, and there are walking and bike tracks. Yet I just haven’t had the courage or fortitude to go out and find a running route yet.

I did purchase a treadmill and started using that, but it was dull and can’t compare to going for runs out in nature. 

I knew I needed to exercise though. I have kept an eye on my weight and have been watching it steadily and slowly creep up. I’m now heavier than I ever was and I started becoming deeply uncomfortable with that reality. Not enough to get myself into gear though.

I’ve started being plagued again with health issues and decided to finally see a doctor about it. We tried several things but the issues persisted and then he decided that I was probably due for a blood test to check everything out. Turns out everything is fine, but my cholesterol is elevated. Nothing to be concerned about for my age, but it’s something I need to get on top of because I’m not getting younger.

That’s been the motivation I evidently needed because it’s been the catalyst that’s helped me get back into fitness. I tried running on the treadmill and while it’s been ok I didn’t like it. I still haven’t gone out for a run, as it’s so hot and I feel self-conscious. But I have armed myself with a handful of apps that I can follow along with at home. I have committed to HIIT exercises because I can’t stand the idea of exercising for longer than 20 minutes and, frankly, I don’t have the time for anything longer in the mornings. I know myself well enough to know that if I don’t exercise first thing in the morning there is no way I’ll do it in the evening after work and after having put the spud to bed.

So this is my routine now. Get up before 6am, get my workout clothes on, sweat up a storm between 6 and 6:30, sort out the child, shower, breakfast, go to work.

I’m now on week 3 of this and have been steadily ramping up how many days I’m exercising. The first week I started on Monday. Friday I took off, and I also rested on Sunday. Week 2 Friday came around. I was fully prepared to chillax but a tiny voice inside said ‘fuck it, let’s do it’ and I did and felt great for it, and I basically exercised every day that week, though I did take it easy on Sunday and did stretching and yoga instead of HIIT.

I’m feeling better. Less lethargic, though come the late afternoon I’m ready for a nap 😅 A pair of shorts I had that’s been growing steadily tighter is loose again and requires me to wear a belt.

Mind you, it’s not all exercise. I’ve started counting calories again, which is what I used to do when I first started over a decade ago. I think calorie counting gets a bad rep. It’s been very good for me to see what I’m eating. I’m more mindful of my food choices now. I’ve sought out new recipes to try out and I’m finding that I can tell the difference between genuine hunger and emotional hunger. Once I recognise that I want to eat my feelings or use food to soothe I can work through it with distractions. And if it keeps lingering I remind myself of the end game: my goal weight, reducing the cholesterol levels, being healthy and fitter, having more energy for my child.

That really helps.

I’ll hopefully have reached my goal weight by August and I’ll be 12kg (26lb) lighter. 🤞

I’m really proud of myself for having found something that’s working for me. I had to step out of my perceived comfort zone and challenge what my own expectations of fitness looked like to try something new. I’m really enjoying it and I’m shocked that even when I wake up tired there isn’t this voice inside that says ‘I don’t want to do this’. It just says ‘let’s get this over and done with’. Knowing I only need to spend a maximum 20 minutes on suffering in the morning to get to where I want to be is amazing. Anyway, I just wanted to get these thoughts out. If anyone wants to also get fit and reach their own goals, hit me up. Having a social network to help motivate and be accountable to is important. I’ve been chatting to my BFF who is also wanting to get back into a fitness routine and we’ve been sharing resources. She put me onto the current app I’m using, so I’d love to extend that out to others who want to get fit but lack motivation. I’ve got a discord server, which is empty at present but if people are interested I can invite you and we can use that space.

My Discord handle is Cream Pudding#7945

[noraaa-hhh]

Hi Friends!

After many weeks of inactivity, I'm back! And today I'm here to talk about my experience as part of a system! This is mainly a post for myself more than others but feel free to read along.

I am Nora! I'm an alter of a system who is not yet fully come to terms with it. Our main host is a denier of this and has suffered childhood trauma and many other terrible events throughout his life. Unfortunately, talking about us and suppressing us comes with the stigma around these sorts of things. I find that our main host (we will call him Y) has a really bad view of DID or however you would label something such as this. This is due to his uncomfortable feelings surrounding mental health and disorders on social media platforms such as tiktok, as well as a combination of things such as:

-in childhood being told he imagined things and seeks attention

-social media platform users showing mental ill health and the comments in regards to that

-feelings of uncomfortableness surrounding mental illness and disorders due to stigma/views forced upon him as a child

-feeling scared to reach out surrounding these things on fear of not being believed, how people would react, how family and friends would react, etc..

-medical professionals in the past telling him he was wrong and not to put labels on such things

-feeling as if he has "too many issues" already and this is another one he is "making up"

And more!

Unfortunately these things cannot be helped, and us as an ever changing system in the body of a young trans man who has been afflicted with trauma and rejection, we respect every wish of his.

There is no definition to "how many" of us there are, or individual names, or if we represent a part of him. This is not up to us.

Y has a tendency to mask his emotions and suppress us, these things keep us from independent lives, making friends, finding love, working, etc...

Y is in control of all things, and this I have the utmost respect. After all, without him there would not be us.

It is disheartening to me that I will never live a full life, but as an individual who is not truly an individual (conflicting and confusing I know!!!) I can still do little things for myself, as the others do too.

I have talked to Y's partner a lot. He is the most supportive and respectful friend in this situation, although I hold guilt. Undoubtedly this is hard for him. But he understands that when Y proposed to him, he was ready to shoulder all of Y's burdens. It truly is heart warming. He is my friend, I don't hold romantic feelings for him. However, with Y's permission, I experienced sexual intimacy. He was respectful around my request and refused to go ahead unless he had the all clear from Y, even though I am in Y's body. This must have been extremely conflicting. He has been wonderful to each of us. We couldn't ask for a better friend and a better partner for Y.

One day I hope to explore other topics, such as exploring career paths, education, jobs, hobbies, romance (with all parties consent but this is a difficult topic as Y is strictly monogamous and refuses to be with anyone else physically) and more.

I hope to post more on here about my journey and give information and insight. If any other alters of other systems ever read this, Hi! I'm really happy to have a chat regarding your experience!

Thank you for reading all this way!

Much love, Nora ❤

[colby-k]

Medical Anomaly

In previous posts, I talked about my epilepsy and some of its downsides for me. Well, there's more.

My seizures are normally convulsive, tonic-clonic seizures. They are like the ones you see people having on TV. They are rough sometimes. I've injured myself plenty of times, including a black eye, a purple tongue from biting it so hard, a huge goose egg on my forehead, and many others. I have permanent bite marks on my tongue from biting it. One time, after a seizure, I bit the tip of my tongue so hard it was numb for three days.

Besides my injuries from my seizures, I also get very bad headaches afterward. Once I wake up from one, I'm very disoriented and not coherent. I don't remember much after I wake up from one because (1) I'm disoriented and don't know my lefts and rights, and (2) I just usually take a nap after to reset my system.

I also have focal seizures. For me, it's when my head (usually) and my eyes start seizing, but I can't move or talk. I'm aware during these and they usually only give me a headache, nothing else.

My seizure patterns are very sporadic, too. At 12 years old, when I first started having them, they only happened once a year. Then, they gradually became more frequent. Recently, they've been almost once a week.

Along with my seizures, I have what's called an essential tremor. This is basically just me shaking a lot. I can barely write. I cannot draw a straight line. I can barely type sometimes. It's quite frustrating. It also happens in varying degrees. Some days are better than others. Sometimes I can write very well, other days I can't even hold the pen to the paper.

In the mornings, around 9:00 (give or take), I get dizzy, too. Like the tremors, the dizziness is worse on some days than on others. On the bad days, I will lie down and take a solid nap. That usually helps. On the good days I just wait it out.

Unfortunately, it does come with side effects. Usually, but not always, I'll get motion sick and vomit. I know that's gross, I'm sorry. I'll also get a bad headache that sometimes evolves into a borderline migraine.

This is all very annoying to me. I've been experiencing seizures for the last 11 years. They have been sporadic, they've been close together. I even had four seizures in one day before they gave me Ativan at the hospital to stop them. That was a frightening day.

My dizziness happens just about every morning, and I can never tell to which degree it will go. Usually, I cannot read, write, or type. I can barely walk. It's a mess. I'm a mess.

My neurologists and epileptologists (epilepsy specialists) have been trying to figure out my seizures, tremors, and dizziness for at least a year or two with no luck.

However, this past week I had an appointment with my neurologist. We are trying a new medication and lowering one of my current medications. We are also taking one at a different time to prevent my brain from overloading with so much medication. Hopefully, that will help my dizziness without affecting my seizures.

Another thing to look forward to is a new epileptologist at the beginning of the year. My neurologist told me that I will be one of his first patients in the clinic. I was happy about this because I will receive a new set of eyes.

I'm also a candidate for surgery to fix my seizures. I'm happy but nervous about it. Having brain surgery is a very risky thing, as you can imagine.

Along with my physical health problems, I have a few mental issues, too. To start, let's talk about my anxiety. I've been dealing with some type of anxiety for as long as I can remember. I kept it inside of me, though. I didn't know how to describe the feeling, and I didn't think anyone would listen to me because I was a child.

As I got older, I started learning about mental health and realized that anxiety is what I've been experiencing. I still kept it to myself, though.

It's something that is still in my mind, trying to control the uncontrolled.

I also have depression. It's not as bad as it could be, which is good. But, it's still debilitating sometimes. This started to rise while I was in high school, around my junior year. At that time, I was going through familial troubles. My mother's significant other (I refuse to call him my stepdad) is abusive and ignorant. After I was threatened to be murdered by him, I moved out of my mother's place and moved into my father's home. It was something traumatic that added to my already trauma-filled life.

I was also diagnosed with bipolar depression with psychotic features. This wasn't much of a surprise for me because I'd been hearing voices for about 4 years prior to my diagnosis. they scared me with what they were saying. "Just do it. You know you want to." "Go hurt yourself." Bad things like those.

I finally piped up when I was in high school. My dad, surprisingly, got me a therapist when I asked for one. She was a youth/child therapist, but she didn't really understand teenagers' brains. That's what it felt like to me, so I stopped meeting with her and decided to wait to get a new one.

I waited until college to take advantage of the free counseling services at my university. My therapist was one of the best therapists I've had and one of the best people I've ever met. She gave me "assignments" to do to work on my new skills. These helped so much. I felt myself getting better, better than I was, at least. But, progress is progress, and I will take it.

Now I have a new therapist since the one I was with had to leave due to pregnancy. My new one is amazing. She knows exactly how to deal with my problems, gives me assignments, and did EMDR (eye movement desensitization redirection). It has all helped me so much that I could never express my gratitude.

I have also started taking medication for my mental health. They have also helped me a lot. I feel like my mood has been getting brighter, and my thoughts have been less intruding. I'm getting better, and I'm okay with that.

[captnjacksparrow]

Here’s my view of SNS’ dynamic:

Yes, Sasuke and Naruto bicker a lot in part 1, but when I read the manga and remember all the little things they start bickering about, these exchanges don’t come off to me as an inability for them to get along. It comes of more like they’re bored and that this is fun for them! Naruto can be quite judgmental (if his initial view of Hinata is any indication) and he’s also hyperactive and temperamental. Sasuke is one of the few people Naruto can go full rage mode on that will argue back and not get upset or take it personally.

Sakura thinks they argue too much, but considering they can become offended by her interrupting them or telling them to stop, it seems Sakura isn’t experiencing their bickering the way they are. What I like about this dynamic is that I never had to question if Sasuke respected Naruto. He is consistently on his side. He’s aware he’s a hothead, he’s aware of his flaws, but he still likes him and he sees the strengths those flaws bring. Sasuke will defend Naruto when people go too far. The orphan insult is the prime example and their dynamic falls under the “only I can insult them” category.

And the ones who claim that it’s “abusive” are stupid. Not only, like you said, Sasuke gave Naruto the chance to go home before they would actually fight during VoTE1, but Sasuke’s the complete opposite of someone abusive. He continuously protects Naruto and saves his life on multiple occasions. Not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES. And I gained so much respect for you when you said people should stop calling Sasuke a heartless monster. Sasuke is a kind person, but the world kept stepping on him and people kept manipulating him. Seriously, he’s gotten manipulated so many times, I’d be surprised if he didn’t end up with trust issues.

As for the ones who say Naruto’s the abusive one, they’re also idiots. Yes, he said he’d break every bone in Sasuke’s body but Naruto was desperate to make Sasuke dodge what Naruto saw as certain death (him heading to Orochimaru). Plus, Naruto was 12 and immature, of course he’s gonna think nothing else mattered if it meant Sasuke was safe. And in Shippuden, Naruto admits he didn’t understand what Sasuke was going through despite what he thought at the time of VoTE1, but he tries his best to see things from Sasuke’s perspective and constantly worry about his physical and mental health.

I actually saw a post that showed the scene when Sasuke was wondering if Sasuke was okay, and the poster said that Naruto didn’t even try to understand him. Needless to say, I’ve never seen anything so stupid and ignorant in my life. There’s a lot of hypocrisy in the anti SNS group. For example, they him see letting Sasuke be on his own for a while as showing he never saw Sasuke as anything more than a goal since he was okay with letting Sasuke leave again, but they also say Sakura was selfish for wanting to come with him (which she was). Well…which is it?! I honestly don’t understand pro Sasuke fans always hate on Naruto. Like, they’re actually hating on the love of Sasuke’s life. He’d roast them just like he did with Sakura.

Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read my Ted Talk, and goodnight, Tristate Area.

Wheewww!!!! So Finally someone said it... that it's not an abusive ship. Internet is so weird and especially Tumblrists likes to use the word 'Abuse' for every single thing to the point it lost it's real meaning and to be honest, it actually degrades the suffering of those people who are getting abused in the Real Life, you know. Of Course, this is a Battle Manga where people fight all the time and does it make any sense to call every violent act as Abuse???

I agree with every word in this Ask except for one...

I actually saw a post that showed the scene when Naruto was wondering if Sasuke was okay, and the poster said that Naruto didn’t even try to understand him. Needless to say, I’ve never seen anything so stupid and ignorant in my life. There’s a lot of hypocrisy in the anti SNS group.

This!!!

Well, Anon is very right about calling that post as stupid and ignorant.... But are you really sure, this post was under Anti-SNS peeps???

Because I've seen the same post under SNS tags especially from a NaruSasu Shipper who hates Naruto to their teeth. I don't know, probably I am the only unfortunate one to see the negative stuffs under the very ship I am shipping. Sigh!!!

There’s a lot of hypocrisy in the anti SNS group. For example, they him see letting Sasuke be on his own for a while as showing he never saw Sasuke as anything more than a goal since he was okay with letting Sasuke leave again, but they also say Sakura was selfish for wanting to come with him (which she was). Well…which is it?! I honestly don’t understand pro Sasuke fans always hate on Naruto.

LOLOL. I've made a list of Hypocrisies among Pro-Sasuke fans in another ask... And whatever you said was there.

I've stopped taking Pro-Sasuke peeps (not everyone though) any more serious long time back. Because they are just some real life Sakuras under the guise of Tumblr Blog. Look, I've seen a post where the Poster was going emotional and wiping tears for Sasuke about this scene...

"Look Sasuke was doing his own thing... But Naruto the Abuser, tied him up... Abusing him, Torturing him and Annoying him... Naruto will never let Sasuke to be himself".

I was like, "Seriously??? Girl... You are a filtered Asshole who has no sense of Humor. Fuck this shit!!!..."

See... This is why I can't take them seriously.

But anyways...

I thoroughly enjoyed your Ted Talk, Anon . Thanks for this ask.