#and if all else fails just block a few people ig

[polter-heist]

Please use a separate tag for DPxDC. I’m begging you I literally don’t give a flying fuck about dc I just want Danny Phantom content and I don’t want to wade through a bunch of DPxDC to find the occasional non-crossover post I’m fucking dying at the point

hey, anon, there's a simple fix, actually. block the #dp x dc tag I have and the #dc tag. because those are the tags I use. I make sure to tag things appropriately all the time on this page. you can use the search bar at the top of my page if you're on mobile like me and type in #dp. you will find all of my Danny Phantom posts. I have no prompts for just dp, so you're not gonna find anything from me, but you will find some thing's I've reblogged

now, if you're referring to the fact that I've tagged a few posts as "Danny Phantom", then once again, I bring to you my favourite function on tumblr. the fact that you can block tags. you'll see a lot of blocked out posts, sure, but it keeps like everyone happy.

I understand the dying part too it gets very frustrating looking through the dp tag sometimes and seeing Batman's face when I want to see Jazz. it gets annoying very quickly.

[solitude4chiron]

I.Visiting a friend

Hobie brown x Black reader

A/n: No smut in this fic but there will be multiple parts later 🤫

———————————————————————— The summer is the best time to be outside in New York. Water balloon fights, pool party’s, blocks playing music that filled the city, crop tops and bikinis. It was like this since you were little, and undeniably there’s no place like home

Tonight you and your friends were cramped in a small hot bathroom doing makeup, hair & all of the above for a party. One girl doing lashes, one girl doing her lip liner, one girl doing her nails & another taking pictures and controlling the playlist

“Y’all my nigga just texted me to come on so let’s start heading out” one of your other girlfriends shouted from in the living room, and after a few minutes everyone was in the car taking videos and lip syncing music  for tonight’s ig story

By the time you walked in you were already unamused. Hood niggas standing in the corner on their phones, other dudes trying to get behind girls and failing miserably, groups of people who looked half awake still trying to dance. So you fell behind and sat at the bar listening to other people’s conversations when a different boy caught your eye 

A tall 6,5 darkskin was sitting on the complete opposite side of the bar on his phone, his wicks were slightly short, and laid down his head that made them shaped almost like an Afro. His jewelry and piercings caught your attention, silver jewelry lining his eyebrows and fingers. Plus the way he dressed was so attractive, different from almost everyone else in the room

While admiring his beauty a airdrop came through your phone with the name “unknowns iPhone” curiously you accepted it 

“Y’kno it’s rude to stare right?”

And while trying to figure out who the person was you felt a shadow towering over you before he sat down

“You like whatcha seeing yeah?”

“Don’t get too ahead of yourself lil nigga who is you?” 

“C’mon y’kno who I am, your eyes were burning holes in my jacket. Plus nothing ‘bout me is little and I know you can tell” he replied smirking resting his head on his hand to look at your features more closely 

Immediately you could tell he wasn’t from New York at all by his voice, and though you had made fun of some British accents before. Something about his skin and voice in the dark lighting made him so attractive to you

“Sooo you from?” You said feeling your cheeks getting hot, the aggressiveness in your voice vanished

“New York love, why?”

“Boy your not from New York don’t play wit me right now” you said rolling your eyes

“Yea, I’m from London. Visiting a friend out here right now. Want a drink?”

You both ordered drinks and he said his name was Hobie. You each talked for a minute on each others interests, allowing you both to have a flourishing conversation because surprisingly you both had a lot in common. He had piercings, you did too. You both loved music, spray painting your art and opinions on every wall in your city, and you both also shared love for different types accessories and clothing 

After about an hour he asked if you wanted to go to another spot, just you and him. Your heart slightly froze in anxiety but there was some type of safety in his eyes. So you texted the group chat 

“Hey y’all, met this boy at the bar and he wants to take me to another spot. Keep y’all ringers on”

“Okay girllll !!! Is he fine 🌚”

“Leaving us to get some dick is crazyyyy 😒”

You hopped into his car and listened to the music while hanging your head out the window. You felt a hand on your thigh and you looked at him kind of surprised. You brushed it off when you realized you didn’t mind it at all in the first place 

“Problem luv?” He side eyed you while biting the side of his lip down, focused on the road 

“Nahhh you chillin” you felt his large hand start creeping higher and higher up your thigh while he kept his other hand on the wheel speeding up every time you looked at him. By the time you felt like saying something bold, you were at the spot that wasn’t really a spot. You were at the Brooklyn bridge

“Boy this is not no spot we are on a bridge wtf”

“You trust me?” And before you could say anything he was carrying you in one hand wedding style using his other hand to shoot webs, bringing you to the top of the bridge 

After the rush of literally flying through the air went away. You asked him a few questions 

“What was that?!!”

“Why is there white stuff coming out your arms?”

And before you could ask him your last question he made a stupid joke

“I can make white stuff come out of somewhere else y’kno” he smirked

After smacking him on the back of the head you asked him your last question 

“What made you want to tell me you have super powers? Especially like that..”

After seeing you shivering in your mini tee and skirt, he wrapped his large, heavy pin decorated vest around you and pulled you into his chest with his arm as you both watched the city. Light was escaping from every street. You also realized you probably wouldn’t have experienced seeing this in a lifetime if you didn’t meet him

“Don’t know, there’s something about you I kno’ I can love and take care of. So I’m not sweatin the spider man role right now” he said shrugging then resting his head on yours and playing in the curly ends of your locs 

“You lucky you fine, I would have never even left the bar with any other boy” you said drawing along his stomach and chest feeling how chiseled he was under his shirt 

“Just so you kno we date now” he said

“Boy your stupid it’s only been a few hours” you responded laughing and swinging your feet over the edge of the bridge

“I’m stupid? Yet your running your hands all over my body, yeah right”

Not realizing what you were doing you moved your hands immediately away from him a little shocked at what you were doing 

“I didn’t tell you to stop now did I?”

[thewritingsofdreamers]

@thewritingsofdreamers on ig

Writing Strong Women 

Disclaimer. I am a woman, this is how I perceive things. You can write however you want but these are my tips. A few of these can also be applied to men.

In my opinion writing a strong or good women, does not mean physically strong, although that is possible. Let me give some examples.

Motivation.

In most books I read, I see women written as strong and able to fight off any attack. But people seem to forget that motivation is a great way to write someone. Maybe she wants to rule the world one day, to do that she will need respect. Maybe she has to be ruthless maybe cunning, there’s more to it then physical strength. Maybe she just wants to prove to others that she is capable and competent. Find a passion that motivates your character and let them help guide her.

Value driven.

Give her values, write a cruel person but she never hurts children. Give her limits that help her grow as a person. Maybe she believes that fighting an unarmed person is bad but when they fight first she can defend herself.

Mothers.

In a sense of speak, being a mom is the hardest thing to possibly do. If you find yourself writing a book where a character is a single mom, talk about how being a mom effects her. Really try to show through her struggles that she is powerful, even at her weakest.

Religious Strength.

This can vary per person but religious strength is also something to take into account. Having your character believe in a god or spirit or something else may give them the courage to do what they don’t want to. Using myself as an example, with my own beliefs, I’ve been able to do things I didn’t believe I was able to do. They were small, but impacted my life, religious strength can be turned into something good if you want to give your character a way to be strong. Also, if your writing real gods (like in Percy Jackson) maybe you can even write in times where the gods lend their strength.

Mental Strength.

This is something I’ve personally relayed on. When I was getting bullied a year ago, before I realized it was bad enough to tell a parent I relayed on mental strength. I understand that this does not work for anyone, but it did for me (me being Christian also helped). I’ve found that I can somewhat block stressful situations and calm myself down. If I’m panicking for a test cause I don’t think I’m ready, I can completely stop myself and just reevaluate what I’m panicking over. Same went for the bullying, I was able to let the words wash over me without letting them fully effect me. The downside for writing a character like that (as I’ve also found out) is that eventually, like a volcano, that character will have a breakdown. After all, suppressing your emotions isn’t the best way, but it is a way. I use it as a defense mechanism for myself.

Although, mental strength can also be good and not just resulting in a breakdown. During 2020, I got pretty depressed, no, I wasn’t diagnosed or anything but I felt the onset of something that could become permanent. Once again, this is not everyone nor what they’ve experienced so please don’t hate. A few months of just not taking to anyone, crying a lot and just not having a good mindset, I bit the bullet and decided to try and help myself. I started going on walks and talking through things with myself. It was slow and took probably two months before I realized I was acting like a victim. It took even longer before I forced myself to start looking at the world differently. If I failed a math test that would have accelerated me in my schooling, that was a good thing. Why? Because now I can learn how to do math. Or maybe an experience I wanted to have like skiing or something was canceled and I could go. That was absolutely fine. Why? Because the next time I go it will be even cooler, besides maybe it’s a warning that I’ll have gotten injured going this time. No matter what’s happening I have managed to change my mindset into a positive one. And it was difficult, it took about a year of listening to philosophers or former therapist Jordan Peterson on YouTube, as well as self talk and my own religious belief before I was able to change my mindset for the better. That being said, I’m probably (definitely) biased but mental strength is definitely the best.

Physical strength.

Lastly, physical strength is the obvious answer for writing strong women. But depending on the book your writing, you may have to add limits to her strength. Why? Because if your writing a book where a women goes into swimming but joins a mens team and wins, it’s cool, but unrealistic. As a basic generalization, men are stronger then women, that’s not to say that there aren’t any exceptions. But unless your writing about the exceptions, a woman defeating another woman in a competition is just as amazing. Or if your like me and don’t like that fact, change up what you wrote a bit. My people all have this feature, different on each person, but because of the qualities of the feature. Men and women’s strength has the potential to be the same (cause you still need to work for it). When you make a fantasy world, it’s fun to make up your own rules.

Outro.

Remember, this is just my advice, you don’t have to listen but I hope it helped a bit. Also if you’ve made it this far, please like, save, and share, maybe even drop a follow. It would really be appreciated:)

[im-honeybee]

enchanted // gnf

requested?: nope :p

pronouns: she/her

hi hi !! so this is just a cute little angst (?) i made !! idk if i want a part 2,, maybee !! i got the idea from enchanted by taylor swift duhh

warningss: i am writing this rn 4;58am so no like proof reading or anything !! i’m tired so if there are mistakes lmk !! besides that,, drinking,, and angst ? ig !!

idk how many words i’m sleepy but yeah thanks for reading !!

“please don’t be in love with someone else. please don’t have somebody waiting on you.” (y/n) whispers to herself, over and over. watching george’s stream while drunk was probably not the best idea but hey, she was drunk!

how did she get here? just months ago she was in his arms, giggling about the most dumb and unimportant things and now she’s here. watching his stream, drunk, crying, and soaking wet due to the rain. i guess a lot can happen in a few months.

her phone was mostly dry. she left it on her porch swing when she went out to spin in the rain. (y/n) lived in a little house in the countryside, her closest neighbor minutes away. a good thing, seeing as she has been yelling the same sentences over snd over, almost like an affirmation. it was all his fault.

they had met way back in uni. even then she was enchanted to meet him.

“excuse me? sorry, you’re in my way.” (y/n) had asked the boy sitting next to her, blocking her path to get out of the desk. the two had been assigned the seats for a few days and had yet to speak before. the both of them too shy.

“of course, i was all in my thoughts. i’m sorry!” george quickly apologised to the pretty girl he was seated next to in their class.

“it’s quite alright, i’m in no real rush.” she responds, with a small smile. there were still a few people in the classroom, and and the day was over. swallowing all her nerves of speaking to the pretty boy in front of her she decides to ask, “what were you thinking about?”

this surprises george a bit, packing up his stuff he starts to speak. “it’s a bit dorky i doubt you want to hear about it.”

she smiles in response, waiting for him by the door. “try me.”

this makes george chuckle a bit. “i was thinking about minecraft.”

the 18 year old giggled. that wasn’t what she expected from him but it didn’t matter much to her.

they spent the rest of the day talking, becoming close instantly. sadly for (y/n) it was platonic. and stayed that way for 6 years.

(y/n) sat back and watched him grow into the man he is, watched him go through breakups and come out fine, watched him make new friends, watched him get big, watched him slowly forget about her.

it wasn’t his fault, not really. she supposed he has been busy. according to dream (as said so in a live from earlier) he had fallen in love. again. with someone that isn’t her.

she was sure it wasn’t her. they barely talked, hadn’t seen eachother in at least two months and even then it was a brief hang out before he had to get back to his friends that were visiting.

she hadn’t noticed the stream had ended, too in her head. she thought back to her 24th birthday.

“i was enchanted to meet you.” the phrase slips up from her lips. the woman not even thinking. she had been out with george for a few hours, he barely had any free time due to his overwhelming popularity on the internet but managed to make time for her on her birthday. something he had done without fail every year since they met.

the night led them to her proch swing, her head on his shoulder and music playing softly from her living room. it was some silly love somg from around 2012 and neither really had any energy to change it.

“what does that mean?” he asks cautiously, turning his head to carefully look at her.

(y/n) sighs, “please don’t be in love with someone else. please don’t have somebody waiting on you.”

this shocked george. if there was anything he expected, it wasn’t that. “i- i don’t know what to say.”

“say you don’t love anyone else.” is all she tells him, getting up and walking into her home tiredly. she was tired. tired of waiting around for him to notice her and love her like she loved him.

that was around four months ago. now she was here on her porch, saying the same phrase. this time almost angerly.

the girl just sighs, laying her body accross the swing, closing her etes and allowing herself some sleep.

a few hours away was george, he had just gotten done with his stream and was now listening to the rain. he exited the call with karl, the last one awake, as he said his goodnights.

he thinks back to what dream said earlier on quackity’s stream, cursing him. there will probably be questions about it. most of his fans respected his private life but there were the nosy ones and he hated questions. especially ones he didn’t know the answer to.

he knew who dream was talking about. the woman that has plagued his mind since he was 19, the one there for him through everything, the one he convinced himself wouldn’t like him like that so he enforced that their relationship was platonic so she wouldn’t think he liked her and rejected him (even though she would be right because he did), (y/n). she and him haven’t spoken in weeks, months really, and it was all because of his own confusion. that wasn’t fair to her. he knew that.

but how was he supposed to react when the woman he forced himself to get over years ago confessed her love for him? he thought there was nothing there so he went out and dated and eventually, his head convinced his heart he was over her.

had he decided too soon to give up? likely but he felt it was too late for them now. she had probably only been drunk, or tired, and they’ve barely spoken since. she has probably forgotten all about him in the months that passed.

he shifts in his bed, falling asleep only thinking of one thing.

he was enchanted to meet her too.

[thejudgingtrash]

Annabeth is a good person,but not a nice or pleasant one,IMO.

YES.

That’s it. That’s the post. Pack it up everybody, we just cracked the case and cleared up one of the most compelling fights in the PJO fandom since forever. Good job everybody, clap it out and there’s the door! Don’t forget ordering the drinks at Starbucks, Mitch! They’re on me!

Okay, but on a more serious note: YES. YES EXACTLY.

And before some of you roll your eyes or grab your pitchforks – put your biases aside and hear me out for once. I like Annabeth. She’s my in my top three characters only second to Percy himself. I love Percabeth. It’s my favorite ship in the entire series and to be frank, the only ship that I care about PJO wise. Hell, I spend my time creating my own headcanons or writing my own fanfics with Percabeth being the star in them.

But that is not to say that I’m unable to see how certain things have developed over the years or where they stand now in regard to Annabeth. I’m not here to ignore things that have been said and/or done due to or in the name of Annabeth and I’m not here to vilify anyone that doesn’t like her. And I’m here to admit that I’m guilty of some of the things that may be addressed in this meta essay that you will read in just a second. However, I try my best to assure you, that I’m for once able to recognize my own bias.

Warning: a monster essay lies right upon you.

This should count as a paper of its own.

Back to the statement on top: I would go out even further to reframe your claim, anon:

Annabeth Chase is a good character but not a nice or pleasant person.

Annabeth is a wonderful character but she isn’t a nice one. Or at least not nice to everyone. She is (construction wise if I dare say) the best character out of the series. She has her positive traits (she’s caring, she’s emotional, she’s encouraged and volunteers, she fights for what she believes in, she forgives (even if doing so begrudgingly)) but she also has her negative traits (she’s stubborn, she’s brash, changing her mind takes forever, she is prejudiced, she baits others). That balances things out. She is branded as the intelligent kid but does irrational things (like I’ve just said a) she’s a kid and b) she’s not a robot). She should probably know better, but we all make mistakes and hopefully grow and learn from them. The clouds in the sky do blur and cover our visions sometimes.

Annabeth had clashes with other characters or was about to have fights due to her stubbornness or jealousy (Rachel, Reyna, etc.) and has of course her problems with the mortal world and her family but she also found new friends, some things cleared up throughout the narration and she was/is quite popular in Camp Half-Blood.

The thing is: she doesn’t have to be nice or pleasant (as a character). Or at least not all the time. Her character is humanized. That is what or who she is. Human. She does stand out as a character, not just because she’s the (future) love interest. She feels like someone you could meet in real life and either adore from the top to the bottom or declare as your biggest enemy. And that’s totally okay if you lean either way – liking or disliking her. Or even feeling indifferent about her. Also great!

To say that she has been the best character that Riordan has crafted is easy to say, because she has been sculpted after Riordan’s wife. He had a model he could rub some of real-life events or traits on. That’s not the problem. The problem truly doesn’t lie on Riordan’s side for the most part for once.

The problem is inherently on the fandom’s side. What the fandom does, how it acts and how it treats Annabeth as a character is the problem. The problems vary but it’s mostly the mischaracterization of Annabeth, starting fights and fan/ship wars, internalized misogyny (in some cases) and how some of the Annabeth stans lash out (ha, got firsthand experience in that field among many of my friends and mutuals!). There is a reason why many people are wary of people that have Annabeth or Percabeth related URLs.

The fact that we see Annabeth mostly through Percy’s lens and (until the Heroes of Olympus saga hits) we never really see her in chill everyday situations is essentially Riordan leaving the back door of the house open, ready for all of you asshats to rob his mansion in Boston. Because a frame on a character means that we don’t get to see the character in its entirety (unlike we do with Percy in PJO for the most part). That means a bunch of stuff is left open for interpretation which is the reason why Annabeth gets so many polarized headcanon and opinions tossed around. I think that is one of the true appeals of Annabeth. You can add on stuff and it necessarily doesn’t have to contradict itself.

We have people calling her abusive due to a (n admittedly stupid and unnecessary) judo flip and we have people that act like she’s never done anything wrong. People sorta use this excuse to form and shape Annabeth however they want and distort her characterization.

People in the fandom act like Annabeth is some weird prized possession. We perceive Annabeth mostly through the eyes of others (Percy, Apollo, etc.) and when we had some sort of insight in her ways (MOA, HOH) it felt… weird? Somewhat? Like Riordan left two bullet points of her characterization and told the ghostwriter: aight, fuck it up, gringo, see you on Tuesday and greet Fred the next time you see him for me. 

There have been many posts lately (by Tharini, Simi, Sawasawako, Jewishpercy and Annie I believe?) that HOO Percabeth felt weird. That they felt weirdly constructed, that there was no conflict, no growth. It felt stagnating, like we’re turning back. We had five books prior where we had Annabeth and Percy slowly shifting from disliking to liking and crushing each other. True development. And when we finally got the cake it felt… dissatisfying. Like the cheap box stuff and not the delicious exquisite taste that we were promised.

I said it previously in my Percabeth ship roast, but let me repeat myself: many Percabeth related things are straight up fanon. Some of it is very old fanon so that’s been unable to distinguish unless you’ve read the books recently and subtract nearly 99,9% of things you see on Tumblr (and occasionally the other shitty parts of the fandom like Reddit, IG, Twitter. Although they mostly steal and recycle tumblr stuff oh well. But back to the topic).

The way people treat Annabeth is so strange. She’s either an innocent fluffy smush baby that’s never harmed a fly and all that she wants for Christmas is being Percy’s lapdog or she’s the devil incarnate, broke into your house, killed your parents Batman style, kicked your puppy and didn’t flush the toilet on the way out. I think this is what mostly makes people hate her or the ship Percabeth. And both extremes are wrong and right at the same time? She is multifaceted so both stereotypes are true and untrue and sorta cancel each other out in the same way.

The true reason why people dislike Annabeth is because the stans are doing the most. (The haters as well, don’t get me wrong, but oh boy. Piss of a stan and you’ll know what I mean). That isn’t inherently new. Are you guys old enough to remember the ship wars that have happened cross platform? Perachel vs. Percabeth? Oh boy, oh boy. I saw some kids on tumblr a few months ago trying to infiltrate both tags and start shit (and also fail). The fact that Rachel still gets used as the bitchy (ex) girlfriend in fanfics? It’s 2020 guys. I know this apocalyptic year is far from perfect and over but I think we can let this trope die, right? Right? I thought we’ve established that Rachel is a pretty chill charcter by now… right?

If you posted your stuff on FFN back in 2010-2013 and it wasn’t the typical cutesy Percabeth story (Goode High, the gods read TLT, punk/prep Percabeth, college AU, etc.) people would’ve come for your fucking throat. Not because the story or the narration was shit. But because the pairing wasn’t Annabeth and Percy (in the sense that Annabeth had to be paired with Percy. I mean Percy gets shipped with everyone and their mother but for Annabeth it was strictly Percy. As annoying as this whole Connabeth thing is – the people behind it actually had a point. She never had a different love interest unless it’s a Percy centered story and he goes off dating Athena, Artemis and Zoe at the same time for some odd reason. Yeah, FFN Percy ships are something). Or it wasn’t the action filled canon compliant story or it wasn’t an AU that was popular.

People were really stubborn, snobbish and wanted their stuff in the four five boxes that were the most popular ones and that’s it. People have been bullied off the site in many fandoms, so it’s not a PJO-only thing but it’s still sad that it happened. (Off-note: most of these FFN tropes are still alive and well and thriving on AO3. Don’t be so snobbish and pretend that every piece you’d find there is a holy grail. There’s a lot of trash you have to waddle through. Same with Wattpad, Tumblr or anywhere else where fanfics get posted. Also had this discussion with Annabeth stans. Sigh).

And Tumblr back then? Forget it, wasn’t much better.

That view has sorta changed (at least for people that have been in the fandom for several years or have managed to find a way to navigate through it) but some of the negative sentiment from back in the day has survived. Be it by new fans coming in or from old fans that never let their stance die. The aggression feels differently and somewhat not. (I don’t know if the anon function had been abused that much back in the day. I was an observer not a participant in the fandom).

Crack a joke at Annabeth’s expense (Kal’s famous “Annabeth is a Republican” post or Dee Dee’s and many others “Annabeth has the education of a second grader, chill with the college plans, girlie” stance) and you have people insulting you, making callout posts, unfollowing and blocking you (based on only that? Okay, honey), making aggressive counter-posts, etc. in a minute. If you respond with “It’s a joke, it’s not real” you have a 50/50 chance of either getting blown off or embarrassing them so that they apologize for once.

This isn’t just about jokes. You can make a headcanon that’s not the cozy cute convenient mainstream saga and people would react the same way. Or art piece (no, not including the whole Tannabeth Blackchase shtick done by Viria and others) or fanfics.

People project so much onto the unfinished canvas that is Annabeth Chase that any form of negative sentiment as little as someone not liking her to straight up criticism, regardless of how tiny it may be, seems like an affront. Like an invitation to a fight. Like an insult to them, their character, everything they believe in. Let me state something:

You are NOT Annabeth Chase. Annabeth Chase IS NOT you. Annabeth Chase is NOT real. Her feeling cannot be hurt. Someone criticizing, disliking, joking about her or even insulting her will not bother her. Someone making a statement about her is not an insult to YOU.

Let me repeat that:

Annabeth Chase isn’t real. Annabeth Chase isn’t you.

So think a little before you act? I get it when you’re a kid and new to fandoms or haven’t been up with fan cultures in the past and are back in the scene. But if you’re in your late teens or even older as an adult and you’re unable to understand that you aren’t what you like – you aren’t the extension of a fictional character – I feel incredibly sorry for you. Because that’s just incredibly sad. Someone disliking something you like isn’t an attack of your character. It shows you that you are you and the other person is a human just like you. That they just have different taste. Disliking something you like isn’t a crime, you know? But me feeling sorry for the way some of y’all act won’t mean that that’s even remotely okay. Especially if you’re no longer in the intended audience for PJO age wise and should know better.

This isn’t a “white stans” only thing. I’ve seen and witnessed firsthand how people of color, mainly women of color, act the same or not even worse when it comes to her character. People have projected their problems and real-life occurring events into her character (I’m sure that she isn’t the only character nor that this is the only fandom where this is happening) and in some cases like I’ve said cannot separate their own personality from the fictional world. Fights with woc happened because of Annabeth fucking Chase. So many things have happened in the fandom the past few months, mostly due to people being forced staying at home because of the quarantine but I’d say it’s 10% on quarantine and 90% on people for acting up like this.

So here’s a little story: There was the act of Riordan blowing the fandom up because of his own stupidity and being unable to apologize for his mischaracterization and lack of research (the whole Piper fiasco) back in June (?) and admits the upset fandom, people on Twitter, Tumblr and Discord legit thought that none of that mattered and that the outcry was destroying Annabeth Chase’s birthday. That’s right. People thought that Annabeth Chase’s non-existing birthday because she’s a fictional character had a higher priority than the rupture and prevalent racism in the fandom. Okay. This isn’t a great look, Annabeth stans. And this of course pissed a lot of people off. I made a post about it and someone not only berated three other people on said post but no, we had a mighty argument which had disrupted many friendships in our circle which haven’t recovered until this very day. We both had our parts in it and no one is innocent. But the cause of this still remains Annabeth Chase or how people prioritize her non-existing well-being. Anyway. I’m getting agitated just thinking about it.

Let’s go back to the characterization thing with Annabeth. Let me remind you:

Annabeth Chase is an asshole. There I’ve said it in a post ages ago (too lazy to look it up, sorry) and I’ll say it again. And that’s not me insulting her. That’s me actually loving that about her. Annabeth is one of the very few unapologetic female characters that really showed all young readers across the world that you can be a girl, a badass, smart, strong, standing up for yourself and what you believe in. You don’t have to be nice. You don’t have to hide your feelings. You don’t need a man in all cases but it’s also okay to accept help and defeat.

A large reason why I think she’s an incredibly important character in children’s literature/YA because many other novels (mostly (sadly)) have the “Oh, I’m a white skinny dark-haired girl that likes unconventional things like READING. I’m not like the other girls, that take care of themselves and pamper themselves by enjoying shopping and wearing make-up. No, I’d rather be one of the boys but a sweet cute little boy and not the jock fuck that drank vodka shots out of a filthy shoe once. Despite me calling myself hideous every man in a 10-kilometer radius falls in love with me and tells me I’m oh so sexy and by the way I’m only 16 years old” shit going on for no goddamn reason.

Yes, I do blame Twilight for this mostly in recent years, but this trope isn’t by any means knew. Pretty sure that you could even use classics as Pride and Prejudice and dissect them in the same manner (Bold statement: Lizzy Bennet is the OG Bella Swan. There. Go fight somewhere in the corner, people). The new wave of YA focuses on girls belittling themselves and only starting to believe in themselves because someone else (mostly the male love interest) tells them they’re worth it. And these books hit the mainstream because they’re incredibly bland and picture perfect white.

With Annabeth it’s different. She shows up for the job and is done with it. (Brie Larson would probably be the perfect in real life version of her. You either like or dislike her. Or you really don’t care). That is what is so refreshing about her. Her unapologetic nature. Can it be off-putting? Yes. Is it annoying? Yes! Hell, every time I read The Lightning Thief, I want to rip her goddamn head off. And it’s just so well written. Her shift from mistrusting Percy but secretly still believing in him to her opening up. Wow, Riordan did something right there.

Annabeth Chase isn’t a young character. She has existed along with PJO for 15 years. She’s on her way to the second decade. I’m pretty sure that with the success of Percy Jackson (and Harry Potter) many lives have been warped and shaped.

But when I say the problem lies mostly in the fandom, it doesn’t mean that Riordan’s completely innocent. The only problem that I have with Annabeth lies not truly with her but the fact that Riordan is only able to produce three variations of female characters:

The sweetheart (Hazel, Silena, Calypso, Hestia)

The strong feminist (Annabeth, Piper, Thalia, Reyna, Artemis)

The bitch (Drew, nearly every female goddess in the goddamn Riordanverse next to every female monster)

And these female characters only know three endings:

End up married with a mortgage, three kids, two dogs and a cat somewhere in Connecticut by the age of twelve

Get dumped into the hunt

Chill on Mount Olympus and only come down to be a nuisance and/or give a cryptic message before going back and doing a godly rave party or something

We know Annabeth as the badass strong female first (or the bitchy character we’re supposed to actually like. Choose your approach), the blueprint so to speak, so some of the other characters feel almost pale in comparison and almost not needed? Doesn’t mean that other characters can’t behave similarly, but it feels kind of redundant especially if their character arcs end in a rather anticlimactic way (Thalia, Reyna). The new additions are the much needed woc as the main story with PJO was inherently white (anyway stan black!Percy and Grover, folks). So it’s not to bash on the new characters, it’s more Riordan’s fault more than anything.

Since Riordan only knows three female character arcs it feels like he tried to copy the formula several ways with different nuances. Some more or less successful. This is where fandom actually comes in handy and helps create more distinguished and fleshed out characters in form of headcanons or fanfiction.

But even in these cases people still make it about Annabeth when it’s time for characters of colors to shine. Remember that whole spiel and discussion that broke out when people (Kal, diver-up, Caitlyn, Bee, reynaisalesbian, etc.) joked about or criticized that Annabeth thinks that she’s having it harder because she’s a blonde? In front of Hazel and Piper? If she would’ve been a real person that’s an invitation for getting decked. And then all hell broke loose because Annabeth stans couldn’t accept the fact that in the real world and/or in fictional worlds the woc/coc have it harder? That the white woman wasn’t the victim that needed the coddling? Yeah, that was mad pathetic.

I hope you people get my point?

Well fuck. I wrote so many things and have the feeling I’ve said nothing. Anyway, I hope I made sense. This is way too long.

TLDR: Chill about Annabeth please. She’s an important character but that doesn’t mean that everyone has to like her, regardless of being a character in the books or a reader/fan of PJO in real life. She isn’t nice or a sweetheart all the time. She also isn’t the monstrous asshole that some try to make out of her.

Peace out.

[babyflossy]

twentieth floor | s.jn

pairing; johnny x reader

requested; nope! this is just pure self indulgence

summary; johnny’s office is thankfully high enough off the ground to prevent disclosing your activities to passerbyers, and you love to exercise that privilege.

genre/warnings; smut, kinda dom!johnny but not really, unedited as per, i can’t really remember what exactly is in it but theres’s nothing extreme (slight choking i think, hinted size kink but not really), see y’all in hell ig

word count; 2.5k

if there was one thing you loved more than johnny, it was johnny dressed in a suit. the way the slacks melt around his thighs, the way his shirt emphasises the bulge of his biceps - it did things to you. the clean cut navy material frames his face and accentuates the strong line of his jaw. it was truly irresistible, and your thoughts can rarely stay innocent when you do see him in such clothing.

this is the predicament you find yourself in currently, finding it impossibly hard to look away from the tiny slither of skin that shows as he loosens his tie and pops the top button of his shirt open. it's almost the most inappropriate time to be thinking like this, with a meeting well under way and the stress lines that form whenever he frowns making themselves comfortable on his forehead.

but, alas, with one look at you johnny knows exactly what's going through your mind.

and he smirks.

he does nothing except paint the most irresistible smirk on his face that makes you want to nothing less than walk over to him and forcefully remove it. with your own lips, perhaps. you hope no one else notices the way his eyes narrow at you when you cross and uncross your legs repeatedly just to feel something in your desperation.

ten minutes more pass with you unable to do anything except sip your water and try not to think about the growing ache between your legs, the heat raising in the room. a breeze passes through the blinds and you feel goosebumps raise along the exposed skin of your legs; johnny notices and rubs a warm palm down your thigh in an attempt to combat your coldness. it achieves the opposite of his goal, however, and more goosebumps rise as his hand dips dangerously close to the hem of your skirt.

you can tell your reaction to his touch has not gone undetected and you pout at the way he stares down at you, something darker about his gaze that makes you shiver. despite the other people in the room, you feel yourself lose focus in the meeting, the objective long forgotten as you basically undress your boyfriend with your mind.

the hand still hasn’t moved and you wrap your fingers around his to stop it moving further upwards, not prepared to hide your arousal from a room full of your co-workers. up to now, johnny’s actions have remained out of sight from everyone else, the shiny black table covering your legs completely.

a few more minutes pass of you sitting with bated breath, trying to ignore the presence of the man next to you and simultaneously trying to stop the image of his bending you over the cold surface of the meeting table in his office and pounding you until you scream. the task it impossibly harder than you originally thought, and soon your mind has wandered to johnny fucking you against the floor-length windows spanning the far wall, his tie around your mouth to keep you quiet–

a nudge to your side whips you out of your daydream and you try to ignore the way your cheeks are suddenly burning.

“what do you think?” well, shit.

“hm?”

“what do you think? about the plan?”

for a second your heart stops, unsure of what to say considering you haven’t the faintest clue what the plan is even for. you chance a glimpse at johnny and watch in horror as he just raises his eyebrow in question, clearly enjoying the panic that must be evident on your face.

“well,” you start, not even sure where you’re going, “i, uh– i think it’s a good starting plan.” it comes out as a question and you’re sure your facade is slipping. “could use some improvements, maybe,” you offer timidly, glancing around to see how your co-workers are taking your weak attempt at feigning interest. “i’ll– i’ll, uh, look over it later and get back to you.”

“perfect, thank you.” the relief you feel is outstanding and johnny shoots you an amused smile as you zone back out, letting the chatter be drowned out.

after what feels like hours, but is most likely minutes, people start trickling out of the room until finally only you and johnny are left. for a second neither of you move until he pushes on the table so his chair rolls backwards. without breaking your gaze he stands, walking over to lean on his desk, reaching over to pull at the blinds on his office door. you feel warm pool in the bottom of your stomach when he motions you over with a flick of his fingers.

“well done in the meeting, by the way, you really had some fantastic ideas.” the words would almost sound sincere if they weren’t accompanied by a sarcastic smile on his face.

you stand in front of him, slotting between his legs and resting your hands on his chest to toy with the buttons of his shirt. warm hands wrap around your waist and you lean up to press a light kiss to the space just under his ear lobe. the shiver he fails to suppress makes you smile.

“well, you looked so good i couldn’t concentrate.”  you reply, loosening his tie with your fingers and popping open the first few buttons.

“you can’t even last a day without me touching you?” as he says it, he trails his fingers down the side of your face, eyes admiring your features delicately. the way he’s looking at you is so tender you feel a different kind of warmth roll through you, love. “can you, angel?”

“you know i can’t.”

johnny’s hands move from your waist down to your hips, pulling you impossibly closer to him. through the material of his slacks you feel the undeniable hardness and look up to see a smirk plastered along his lips again. matching his playful expression, you reach down and start palming him lightly, teasingly. for a second his cockiness slips and you hear the faintest murmur of a moan before his hand wraps around your wrist and pulls it away.

“well, then,” his words have just a faint whisper of their previous power, the soft tone comforting in your ear even with the dirty undertones. “i can’t keep my princess waiting, can i?”

in an instance, you’re flipped over so his body cages you against the desk, the sharp edge digging into the backs of your thighs. his hands are no longer tame and gentle, they skim up your legs and pull the fabric of your skirt with them. when johnny starts kneading the flesh of your ass you let out an involuntary moan that he swallows when his lips meet yours.

there’s nothing sweet about the kiss, only raw and desperate and everything you need right now. he tips your jaw up to deepen it, teeth clashing and noses brushing against each other. you faintly wonder if he remembered to lock the door before realising you don’t actually care, the heat rising between you is enough to push all sensible thoughts out of your head.

one of johnny’s thighs pushes in between your own and you let yourself rest on it, moaning out when the fabric of his suit brushes your most sensitive spots. a look of glee crosses his face at the noise, free hands moving to pull you further down onto his leg to strengthen the feeling. you’ve been on edge for so long that when you experimentally roll your hips onto his leg you can already feel the pit in the bottom of your stomach deepening and the whine you let out tells johnny exactly that.

“my poor baby.” he coos with a devilish smile. “needing me so badly.”

you don’t have time to think as he flips you around so you’re facing the desk, your dress bunching at your waist. johnny slips a hand between you to rub at your clit over your panties and you try to conceal the moan clawing up your throat. when’s he tired of being constricted, he yanks the thin material down your legs and helps you step out of them, his fingers now without a barrier are cold against your core and you shiver.

“fuck, that feels so good,” your words are stuttered and breathless but johnny hears them just fine, setting a strong pace on your clit that has you moaning out too loudly for his office.

“i know baby,” he leans down to whisper in your ear, fingers not letting up. “but you have to be quiet for me, okay?” for a moment he slows the movement of his hands to a standstill until you nod.

to your surprise you feel the fingers of his free hand poking at your mouth and you accept them in without complaint. they cut off your ability to speak and johnny gets no verbal warning of when you tip over the edge, only the shaking of your legs and the strangled noises escaping around his hand.

“feel better?” even without looking at him you can see the cocky smile on his face.

you can feel wetness collecting at the tops of thighs as you clench them together, trying to gather the strength you were stripped of from your orgasm. the metallic clink of a belt only makes you wetter, knowing what comes next and more than excited for it.

within seconds you feel a hand prying your legs open again and the head of his cock slipping between your folds. the air changes and you can almost feel johnny’s demeanor switch as he starts to push into you, hand leaving your mouth only to close around your throat. this is always your favourite part, feeling his attitude drop from the normal sweet johnny to the man that chokes you and calls you his bitch.

to say you were hoping for that now in an understatement.

with nothing blocking your mouth you’re free to moan as load as you want when he finally starts easing himself into you. the delicious burn from the stretch is addicting and you clench around him involuntarily. “what do you say?” johnny asks in your ear, voice so much lower than usual.

“thank you.”

“thank you what?”

“thank you, daddy.”

it’s the final straw he needs before he bottoms out inside you, not waiting a moment for you to adjust to his size before he starts pulling back out. it takes you a few thrusts to get over the sharp stinging but when it dissolves into pleasure you find your mouth dropping open. johnny hits every deep spot inside of you that no one else has, a heavenly feeling when paired with the rough pad of his thumb flicking your clit once again. it’s still sensitive from your first orgasm and in no time you feel another building.

johnny seems to sense this and you whine in annoyance when he pulls out of you, looking behind to glare at him. this only seems to amuse him. “oh, i’m sorry, angel, where you about to come?”

one thing you’ve learnt about johnny over the years is he never asks rhetorical questions, meaning you were expected to answer all of them. he quirks an teasing eyebrow as he waits for your words. “yes, are you happy now?” but your weak anger only serves to amuse him more.

“very.” he purrs in your ear when you turn away, hands gripping your hips and pulling you up from the table. you wonder for a second what he’s doing and feel your inside swirl when he starts walking you towards the window. when you’re close enough you bring your hands up to steady yourself against the cold glass and johnny resumes his place behind you. “this is what wanted, isn’t it?”

finding yourself unable to speak, you simply nod and hope it suffices an answer for him. it seems to as no other words are spoken between you as johnny wraps an arm around you to rest his hand on your abdomen. you know this is one of his favourite things, to feel himself pushing into you through your skin, and you try not to shiver at the coldness of his hand on the bare skin under your skirt.

your eyes follow the cars on the roads 100 metres below, thankful that the height of johnny’s office would make it near impossible for anyone to notice you. it distracts you momentarily until you feel the tip of his cock lining up with your entrance, rubbing up between your folds a few times to collect your wetness. your mouth is caught in a silent scream when he finally does, the feeling again too much.

once again, it takes not much more than a few strokes of johnny’s cock hitting your sweet spot until your legs are shaking. you can feel your heart pounding and your moans are uncontrollable as he presses his hand firmly against you to feel himself slip in and out. you can almost feel the effect it has on him as his hips start stuttering against you, signalling his impending release.

“fuck, daddy,” you can’t help but drive him on, reaching down to cover his hand with your own, leaving one against the smooth pane of glass. he presses a soft kiss to the delicate skin behind your ear in response to the way you curl your fingers around his, a rare moment of tenderness breaking through his dominant exterior.

the contrast has your head spinning and you let yourself fall over the edge to the dirty words he whispers in your ear, back arching and eyes screwing shut. the sight of you coming undone around him, so exposed where anyone walking on the street could see you has johnny falling apart seconds later, hips faltering as he releases into you.

there’s a few seconds of heavy breathing and calm as you both try and come down from your highs, chests heaving. you pull your skirt down after he pulls out of you, spinning to lean against the window and throwing him a lazy smile, ignoring the uncomfortable feeling of his cum starting to spill down your legs.

“i love you.” he murmurs into the air between you before kissing you, hands suddenly gentle and loving.

“mmh,” you hum in acknowledgment, happily watching the dramatic scowl paint his features. “i love you, too.” the smile is instant. “even if you drip cum over my work clothes, you idiot.”

[primergon]

I'm not sure if you're still doing these and it's fine if you don't since you have your own life and can be busy but if it's alright, may I request a tfp match up?

I'm 5'3, asexual and chubby and go by she/her.

I'm calm and withdrawn at first, I'm usually very silent when I'm surrounded by people I am not comfortable with. I have suspicions that my selective mutism that I had when I was younger may still be around because there are some situations that require to speak, I get uncomfortable and find it hard to say anything. I don't know, it's just a thought, not sure if I still kind of have it. I just kinda hate being forced to talk when I don't want to. I don't go out much, I prefer indoors, I only go out if I have to.

But yeah, when I'm surrounded by people I'm comfortable with, I'm more talkative and more expressive of my emotions. I don't have many friends in real life but I do have a few online ones.

I usually prefer texting than verbally talking to be honest. Its just easier for me to express. Not like I could physically see my two best friends since I had to move last year but luckily we have discord 💀🤚 otherwise my dumbass can't even go out to try and make friends nor even want to.

I like games, though, I'm also a procrastinator and a lazy person. I tend to procrastinate on my school work and other things like watching a certain anime, tv show, movie and even with playing games. I have a game block 😔👊.

I don't know, but I can be insecure about myself but I try to be positive about some qualities I have. Anyone could compliment me, I mean, there's nothing to compliment anyways, I would just say that they blind or something or wrong. I get insecure when I show people my music taste only because they just seem uninterested when I play it 😔👊. My friends reckon I'm smart but I just don't apply myself to my assignments... Idk, I believe I'm just stupid. Somehow, I don't get stressed out easily, even when a due date is coming up and I haven't done much in my assignment. But that probably depends on the subject and how important it is for it to be done, otherwise I will start getting a little stressed. I don't believe that my problems should matter ever, because I've had a good childhood, a loving family, though occasionally, I have some problems with my dad otherwise we're usually fine. I mean, my friends and many other people have it worse than me so that's why I don't think my problems are relevant.

I can get childish and get distracted easily. Like, I could be doing an assignment or homework and after 30 seconds, I'm on my phone or doing something else 💀. Sometimes, I need things dumbed down for me because I'm just like, "what??"

I love comedy and laughing, it's just fun. I like memes and sending cursed memes to my friends or anyone else that happens to be on the same server I am. To be honest, I'm active 24/7 on discord and mostly active on one server because I socially suck to talk on any other. I'm not a fan of horror because obviously it's scary yet I like watching people play horror games 🤔.

I'm not a fan of physical affection, but it depends on who the person is and how comfortable I get with them like my family for example. My love language would be quality time I think but only a bit of physical affection if I'm comfortable enough ig 😕.

I've never been in a relationship before because I fear cheating, arguments, having a significant other bored of me and all the other problems. And because I'm not that interest in romance that much at the moment in my life

In regards to people having problems in their life and they vent to me, I find it hard to comfort them. I try to do my best but I suck at it. I usually don't know what to say and I wish I knew. It's not that I don't care, I do, I'm just more of a listener than a talker but I try to find some words to say in attempt to help. It's a little easier for me to comfort someone online than in person, I'd probably be silent.

I'm good at keeping secrets, I would take them to the grave, though sometimes I can forget depending on the secret. I can be a forgetful person, not only with some secrets but other stuff I'm suppose to remember 😭.

I love music, I can't tell what genre I like, I like many songs. I'm also an animal lover and currently doing animal studies, which mostly revolves around dogs at the moment but I'm looking forward for the cat part, I love cats, I have two of them.

I'm sorry for all this information, now that I look at it, that's alot. I'm sorry 😭🤚

A/N : Hi Anon! Thanks for sending this ask, I hope you're doing well (｡𓎆 𓎺 𓎆) Don't worry about the long descriptions, I don't mind! I think I'll pair you up with tfp Smokescreen !

TFP SMOKESCREEN

01 | Smokescreen has a way of making you feel at home. In the beginning, you were reluctant to open up, yet once you've gotten to know the playful mech, you find it easy to talk to Smokescreen. You enjoy listening to him ramble on and on and on and find no trouble comforting him when he needs to hear it. In return, Smokescreen is more than happy to speak on your behalf whenever you don't feel like talking. He may be enthusiastic by nature but he isn't pushy. He never forces you to do something you're not okay with and makes you feel safe. This is why eventually you opened up to him and both of you became fast friends.

02 | Texting with Smokescreen is never boring. He's always ready with a handful of reaction pictures and a dozen of emojis when chatting with you. The young mech is naturally expressive and curious, which is why he's always up to date with the latest memes and trends. ( The way Smokescreen text may frustrate Ultra Magnus at times but it never fails to make you laugh.)

03 | Two of you share a lot of common interests which is why you get along so well. Ever since Jack taught him how to play video games, he's been asking you to indulge him. Smokescreen can also sometimes feel worn out and choose to watch movies with you indoors instead, following the plot of your favorite anime and always quoting them on the battlefield. He's not picky and is almost up for anything as long as you get to spend some quality time.

04 | With his positive, upbeat attitude, Smokescreen rarely seems upset or dissatisfied on the outside. But his inner idealism can leave the mech with a nagging feeling that some major areas of their life just aren’t good enough – which would sometimes make him feel insecure. The two of you seem to understand and relate to each other's experiences, making you comfort buddies that lift each other's spirits whenever you both feel down. He reminds you constantly that your problems matter and he's more than happy to listen to you vent, while you assure him that he is good enough because he's trying his best.

05 | He knows you're afraid of starting a relationship, and while he can be a bit impatient and bold, Smokescreen is more than happy to take it slow with you. While he himself is disorganized, Smokescreen tries his best to remind you to catch up on schoolwork. ( Smokescreen tells himself he's turning into Ultra Magnus whenever he finds himself nagging you.) He doesn't take it against you when you don't get what others are saying and is more than willing to rephrase it for better understanding.

06 | Smokescreen thinks you're special. He loves how you're so good with animals and how you seem to have all the right songs to show him. Smokescreen can watch you play with your cats for hours and has a copy of your playlist for him to listen to whenever he feels down. He finds it adorable how you can be forgetful at times and admires how loyal you are in keeping secrets. ( Like that one time you covered for him and saved him from being yelled at by Ratchet.) He doesn't see any flaw in you and even if he does, he accepts that as a part of you : his favorite human.

I hope you enjoy this Anon ! xx

[mc-slowwalker]

I don’t even know what our politicians are doing anymore. hahahaha trueeee

trueee twitch vods are sooo annoying there are a million ads and it sucks. and like so many people go live on the days that I’m busy that I’m just ughhh. but oh well. I’ll probably watch them while studying cause I can’t do one thing at once. like while watching all my lectures I was listening to music and it was the only way I could get through them which is kind of funny lol. it’s like if there’s already a distraction I won’t get even more distracted which is really dumb but it works well enough for now. I’m watching a live lecture rn and I was watching slyvees stream and was gonna continue but the lecturer was really nice and then I felt bad so I turned off the stream lol, which is a good thing ig. at least I went well for the first day✌️✌️

yeah tumblr and twitter tend to have different reactions to things for the most part but this time I saw people and for different reasons but all dumb. twitter though was trying to create drama out of nothing like I swear at this point they’re just bored. blocking people is fun and I encourage it very much

I’m so happy with wilburs lore streams like in the past few ones c!wilbur contradicted himself so many times but also what he said about comeuppance (I had no idea what this meant and he was going on about it for a solid whole lmao) was really interesting too. especially with how he believes people will forgive c!dream because he’s paid by being in prison like that’s not true but it’s interesting that he thinks that and wants that too. there’s probably more to say but I’m in a lecture rn. lecturer just said there’s no exam for this subject. it’s a good day for the me community

Streamers really chose the worst times to stream specifically to spite me and no one else. I could watch a consistent streamer, and I keep up pretty okay with ponk, but other than ponk you wanna know who my favorite streamers are? Dream, quackity, and wilbur. I have trust issues needless to say. I remember listening to a dream stream through class one time. Ended up failing that class but for entirely undream related reasons. I was watching sylvee too but twitch mobile is so fuckinf scuffed that I ended up having to stop. Fun and quirky twitch vods things! Sometimes adds make you restart the whole vod from the beginning. Also if you have the popout stream small when you’re in the app, and then leave it stops the stream for you. Thanks twitch

Glad your first day went well!

Yeah they do seem a little bored but I’m kinda bored too any suggestions? I’ve been wanting to start he/they dream discourse but I’m half scared people would take me seriously. Maybe I’ll start fake beef with a big name fan blog we’l see

AYO NO EXAMS?????? SIGN ME UP TF

C!wilbur contradicting himself my beloved it’s accidental c!ranboo parallels for me. Super funny that c!ranboo is a people pleaser and c!wilbur is a people displeasure looking forward to the new capitalism arc cc!Wilbur is setting us up for. I wasn’t on with l’manburg (not a big hotdog fan) but I can get behind paradise burger. New dream smp citizen job pog??? Also love how the borders around the burger shop are all wood. Not planks, wood logs. Very burnable. C!wilbur is setting himself up for so much failure and it hurts so good

[one-abuse-survivor]

breakdown mention, suicidal thoughts mention, just a general tw for bad mental health too and possibly some unhealthy coping mechanisms // so this time last year i ahd a mental breakdown like actually today is the day i feel like it began manifest and like i’v ebeen think abt it for the past few days and how i feel like i’v eprogressed bc yeah i still don’t do some things that i used to do pre-breakdown but i feel like im getting better and that i’m starting to want to do (1/?)

(2/?) those things again so like that feels like progress. I also haven’t felt super bad like I did last year like the last time i felt super bad all the time was a few months ago. But like lately i’ve had a few days where i’ve felt like super bad and today felt like one of those. like last night (covid mention) someone in mh household mentioned to me taht their coworker may have covid and that they talked to tahg coworker on that day and like it terrified me bc they had no mask on and were

3/? standing like less than 6 feet from me. And so i’ve been worried since last bight abg that and that was when the bad feelings really started like i didn’t want to geg up from my bed and i jusg felt like laying there and crying and not doing anything at all which like it’s even worse than ig sounds bc althoigh i feel like doing that a lot it felt like a worse version of it. So yeah. that led to me today feeling the same. Like k woke up this morning and it was somewha okaz again lke stil hard

4/? but like. it didn’t really matter for a few hours I even was able to go to one of my classes im really worried abt and not feel super worried before it. and then like it got to the afternoon and now i just feel like. really shitty mentally and i think a part of it is that a blog i used to follow on tumblr like. 1-2 years ago i just saw a callout post for them on my dash and it talked about all the horrible things they’ve done and like. i knew smth was up with them bc like. i blocked them a

5/? few days ago for smth else taht jusg made me feel weird and angry bc one of their posts came onto my dash. but like the callout post featured this lne thing they did an dlike had a bunch of other things that were triggering to me too but like this one thing they did back in 2018 i was a part of like. not major and i was only a teenager and i didn’t know better at the time but it just makes me feel so sick like. (the rest of my asks will send in like an hour)

6/? sl like continuing what i was saying i was kind of a victim of ien of the things they did and it just amde me sacred to think abt now bc like it couldv’ve gotten way worse if i hadn’t left. and like yeah. so taht on top of everthing else has just amde me feel worse and feel like more suicidal and like. it just is a lot

-----

First of all, I really hope you didn't get Covid in the end and I'm really sorry you had a scare like that and it affected your mental health 😔 what we're going through right now is really scary, even if some people fail to acknowledge it. It's understandable you had a really bad few days afterwards, especially if it piled up with having to read a triggering callout post that reminded you of stuff you went through in the past 🙁

The vast majority of people do things as teens that they regret and feel ashamed of as they grow up, and I hope you know that the fact you know better now means you've grown, too. I'm not sure this is the case, but from your ask it seemed to me like you might be feeling guilty for those things after reading the callout post, so I wanted to remind you you're not the person who was involved in those events anymore, and it's okay if you didn't always know the things you know now.

Sending a virtual hug, nonnie. I hope things have gotten a bit better ❤️

[kmp78]

DISCLAIMER AND RULES

These are the UPDATED directions/guidelines for all who want to participate/contribute to this blog. Our topics of conversation revolve mostly around 30 Seconds to Mars/the Leto Bros, but we have been known to also discuss various other current events around the world.

By reading, and especially by contributing, on what goes on around this blog, you are willingly agreeing with all guidelines and directions I have mentioned below - no exceptions.

I am willing to give a space to those who wish to discuss Mars (or other topics), and I am washing my hands from any and all fuckery that may ensue from other people´s opinions.

Also worth mentioning: I am fully aware that some people who publicly and very vocally denounce any interest in either this blog or Mars gossip lurk around this blog and then spread shit elsewhere on the internet. 

By doing that, you are essentially outing yourself as a quiet kmp78 admirer, so to speak. 

Or a fangirl, if that suits better. 🤗

Alright then... READ.

1.  This blog is laced with sarcasm, jokes, stupid and often very dark humor and PERSONAL OPINIONS - both mine and the people who participate in our conversations. This is not CNN, BBC or even Fox News - this is a personal blog run by a (sort of) fan. Not someone with inside information, and not someone whose opinions and views should be taken too seriously, and definitely not as gospel. I have no direct access to anyone in the Mars organization, and I do not work for them.

2. Nor do I work for YOU. This may be a blog which is mainly used for discussions about all things Mars and all opinions and topics are welcome, but the only one in charge is ME. I decide if a message gets published, if a message gets edited, if a message gets deleted - and if the sender gets blocked.

And not that it really needs to be said, but here goes anyway: I do not work for any Leto troll either.

3. And speaking of blocking: 

those who send threats or offensive messages will be blocked, as will anyone who I deem block-worthy. Rest assured, I never block anyone without a reason, so if you should discover that you have been blocked, that means I had a reason. I may or may not inform publicly when a person has been blocked, depends on my mood.

4. Everyone who sends messages is responsible for their own words - I do not accept any blame for other people´s opinions. Misunderstandings by accident or on purpose are not my headache. If I suspect a message will potentially cause unnecessary problems or annoyance for me, I will not post it (or will edit it), and  I don´t owe anyone any explanations as to why I´m not posting it. I may explain, or not - that´s up for me to decide. 

In any case, as I said: I will not take responsibility for anyone else´s words other than mine, and screaming at me over here or elsewhere online regarding comments someone else made and I posted...

Well, that´s just infantile. 🙄

5. All opinions are welcome, positive AND negative. A positive opinion does not automatically make you a sheep, and a negative opinion does not automatically make you a hater. 

Readers to this blog should be adult enough to handle both sides.

6. Calling women sluts or whores is not ok here. 

You also need to be able to tell the difference between calling a woman a whore and calling a Leto a whore. If you can´t understand the difference, then get out immediately.

SPECIAL CLAUSE:

the term “YACHT GIRL” when used in connection with an actually legit model who YOU ARE JEALOUS OF BECAUSE SHE GETS TO BONE A MAN YOUR FLABBY LOINS BURN FOR, actually is the equivalent of you calling her a whore, so kindly DO NOT.

Use whatever brain cells your parents genes bestowed upon you and make them at least somewhat proud. That should hopefully partially make up for the disappointment they most probably are already feeling knowing you actually read and participate in this shit.

7. What is also not ok is accusing people of crimes, calling them psychopaths, or threatening others with physical violence etc. - not even sarcastically or as jokes.

Think of it this way: 

when typing your message, if at any point you think that what you are writing might come across differently or more seriously to the person reading it than to you while writing it - then do not write it. Any innuendo about people´s potential “social diseases” is not welcome either, and neither are accusations of “obsessions” and people “stalking” the men this blog is focused on. Be VERY careful when using these terms. 

YOU are responsible for your own words. I cannot stress that enough.📣

8. We use a lot of initials and nicknames in our conversations - for a reason. 

Do not use people´s real names in messages. 

If you do not know who a particular person is, please come ask via chat (directions on how to use the chat feature can be found here). I may or may not blur out a name in a message if I think it´s necessary.

9. I post a lot of pics, gifs - and most of them are found from Google using various search terms, and sadly have no tags or indications as to who is the owner/maker. I don´t own any of the pics or gifs, or videos for that matter either (except the ones I have made and labeled as my own). If you find something of yours posted and prefer not to have it up or to have your name added as credits, please let me know and I will remove it.

As for links to either newspaper articles, IG accounts, other blogs or the like: you can find credits to the sources by either clicking on the links, or if I have decided to post screen caps, in the pics themselves. Again, I do not write articles or make videos and very, very rarely post anything other than other people´s comments - after all, this is prominently a discussion blog now. Opinions/messages from other people represent THEIR views and thoughts, my views/thoughts can be seen in my answers (in case of submits or multi-part messages, you will find my contributions to the message after this sign: ***).

To make this very clear: we don´t make news here, we discuss them.

10. When sending submits, if you are unsure of others potentially seeing your “ID”, please mention in your message that you want to remain anon and I will post it anon. Also please remember tho that there is no such thing as complete anonymity - so be careful when writing down your thoughts. Censor yourself if necessary - don´t make problems for me or others, or yourself.

11. I use Statcounter on this blog, which means I can see IP addresses from people visiting this site. However I choose to use that information is up to me, so if you are scared shitless of being outed due to your own actions/words, then DO NOT COME HERE.

If I out your IP, then there is a reason for it.

Don´t give me reasons if you want to remain in the shadows.

(And same goes for chat messages btw: don´t pretend to be my friend in private, but then turn your back and stab me in it in public. More often than not I WILL find out, and if I choose to then out your bullshit by posting private messages, THAT´S ALL YOUR OWN DOING, KIDDOS.

Play nice with me and you have nothing to worry about.

Start kicking dirt in my face and...🤷‍♀️

12. If you are addressing your message directly to someone (= other than me), please say so CLEARLY in your message, for example by starting your message with “For anon who said...”, or something along those line. I have had it with misunderstandings and unnecessary messes due to unclear messages! BE SPECIFIC!

13. ONLY write either in English or Finnish. I won´t waste my time on Google Translate, I have enough on my plate as it is and your weirdo mongrel lingos are boring as hell anyway.

14.  DO NOT SEND MESSAGES WITH THE SOLE PURPOSE OF STIRRING UP SHIT - OR TO INSULT OTHER COUNTRIES OR NATIONALITIES. That would rank quite high the PATHETIC categories...

15. I won´t post content from so-called private/non-celeb accounts such as Leto trolls (= VK for example IS a celeb so whatever she posts is most deffo getting posted, but anything posted by Lesser´s harem probs won´t be).

16. READ PREVIOUS MESSAGES! READ PREVIOUS MESSAGES! READ PREVIOUS MESSAGES! READ PREVIOUS MESSAGES! READ PREVIOUS MESSAGES! 

I´m beyoooooooond bored answering the same questions over and over again, sometimes in the space of just a few hours! The archives and search option are available on my blog for a reason! USE THEM. 😠

17. When sending messages containing info or “receipts” or whatever it may be that you think we should be made aware of, either clearly state WHERE that info can be found and WHO you are talking about. Do not simply send a message a´la “VK can be seen on Monica´s/Richard´s/Beatrice´s IG”. We don´t know who these people are! You may, but we don´t! I do not follow a single model or fashion industry creeper on social media so FIRST NAMES mean fuck all to me. GIVE FULL DETAILS OR SHUT THE FUCK UP. 

18. IF I SAY A TOPIC IS OFF-LIMITS, THEN YOU WILL RESPECT THAT.

19. I usually try to post messages in the same order they have been sent - with a few exceptions: 

If a situation arises which calls for “immediate attention” (new troll pics or other sudden Mars-related activity, for example), I may leave older messages for later and focus on newer ones first. Also when I am operating on my mobile, I am often unable to post certain messages (videos etc.), so those will be left for later when I am back to an actual computer. 

20. More often than not, tumblr fails to deliver messages to my inbox. If you suspect that yours has not been delivered, please send it again. I don´t mind getting duplicates.

21. If I feel that a message offers no relevant or needed content, I won´t post it. For example, a message such as “JL & XX in Japan bang bang” is unnecessary and pointless and not worth posting. I only have 250 allowed posts per day, and on busy days I have to make judgments on what is worthy of posting and what is not. I apologize if I therefore have to skip some messages. 

When I run out of allowed posts here, I will let everyone know that I am switching over to use the secondary blog which can be found at @kmp78secondaryblog

(PLEASE NOTE: That blog is ONLY used when we run out of room here, and I never go there unless I have to so please don´t send any messages to that blog unless I inform we have to move there!)

AND FINALLY PLEASE REMEMBER:

THIS IS A FANDOM FOR A BAND. NOT A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH. ACT ACCORDINGLY.

Creating hater accounts dedicated to POSTING PICTURES OF MY BLOODY EYEBALL (that btw actually happened because of course it did! This is the echeLOOOOOON after all! 👍) won´t make me quit this blog, so...

Yeah.

Anyway, for further information, please contact me via private message here, on my IGs, or at kmp78@yahoo.com.

Thank you. 🙏

PS: In case you run into accounts/comments made under my tumblr “identity”, or otherwise unauthorized “kmp78″ activity outside of tumblr which you recognize as being linked to this blog in any way (such as my posts being tagged with JL´s tags etc.), please report them immediately, both to the admins of the sites you found these accounts on, and to me directly so I can take appropriate action, thanks.

Any of my personal pics taken from this blog have been taken without permission and I have never and will never give permission to post them anywhere. And when I say I “appropriate action”, I mean just that. If need be, I will be contacting the authorities, like I did when I received public death threats. 

Be very aware that my tolerance for that is less than zero - and also be aware that these guidelines and my rules may change whenever I feel the need to change them.

#DEAL ✌️

[thewoodedbastion]

Roleplay Roadblock

This is something that has been on my mind for a while. I know talking about things and writing them, for me, makes them a bit more tangible. Once something is tangible I often have a better ability to navigate it. I am hoping this is the case with this topic. I want to have a deeper more immersive experience at LARP and in character in general. I want to not so much internally get lost. Like I don't want to be so inside a character that i'm disassociating. I do want to get lost in the process of exploring and expressing a character. I want to be less timid as characters and with how i perform them. Especially at a LARP where i get to spend a weekend away as a character, I want to be able to exist more naturally and thoroughly as a character without second guessing myself and my choices. I have found through thinking about it as well as through talking about this with friends that I have several road blocks. Many of the conversations have come up in regard to future games that I will be soon attending in person. At Seventh Kingdom IGE I was very much a novice to LARPing as a whole as well as still technically a noob in related genre's such as ttrpgs and forum roleplaying. Though i had such a great time, I did not exist in the game as deeply as I could have for as long as I could have. I felt I was just hitting my stride as game was nearing and end. I expressed a desire to up my game so to speak, but in so i had to acknowledge my roadblocks from my previous experience. One thing that kept me from going full tilt in a lot of situations was knowing the power I wield as a performer. I'm not a god tier performer by no means. However I am sitting on a performing arts Bachelors degree, one of which is still actively engage with via my job and my other hobbies. When it comes to performance I know I can turn up as my peers would say. This may sound silly, but I was afraid of taking too much spotlight. I was afraid of accidentally stepping over other people. I know many of my larp peers don't have a performance background. I know many are just gaining the kind of confidence that allows them to take charge of things. I know folks come to these weekends to be heard, and affirmed. To feel powerful and capable. I always would clam up because i had a fear of taking that away from someone else. Its kind of something i saw happened a lot from the background. I watched it happen to other cool people who i thought were smart and capable, but just didn't quiet have the confidence all the time in certain settings. So this was a real fear for me in those moments. I'm not going to say that i never took moments. I definitely got some where sometimes. But even in moments i generated for myself as a bard, I had such a weird feeling of going "hey guys, look at me be cool" and it made me feel icky despite knowing that folks did not feel this way about me. I had a fear of separating myself from everyone else. I know that how I experience things is a bit extreme and the kind of experience is often deeper than what most folks around me want. I've been hearing for most of my life that what I want to experience is "A lot" or "too much". And for most folks it is. It doesn't come from a place of hate. It was never in a bullying sense. It does however make one lonely in the universe. So i've always been afraid to go to the full extent that I want to experience because it feels like putting myself on an island away from other people. I do want to do my thing and be my best me. I have been doing that all my life solo. LARP gave me one of my few real tastes of what it is like to get to be the real me with other people. The deep me that doesn't get engaged with very often. That is still part of my core needs, as much as digging deep into immersion is. Along these same lines, I am afraid of giving someone the wrong impression of me. There are some characters that I want to play that are going to be purposefully scary and off putting. There will be times where i may get into a groove of a character that folks stop seeing who I really am for that time

being. What happens if I accidentally make someone uncomfortable while i'm in character? What happens when they don't feel safe to talk to me? I don't want to inadvertently have a negative affect on folks because of my deep level of immersion On a more personal side ive realized i'm kind of afraid of committing to the bit. I'm afraid of how it might affect me. Its unknown territory, and i'm aware that mentally and emotionally i'm not indestructible. Its less about losing a sense of reality. That I feel pretty solid and grounded in because i love fantasy and immersion so much. I'm afraid of how it might affect me in the long and short term. I'm afraid of possible bleed. I'm afraid of the come down from being in character for the weekend. I'm afraid of how it might affect my mental emotional state if I haven't been doing the best. Its kind of the fear of going to a new place all together and realizing there is a huge world of possibilities both positive and negative. I'm a deep feeler and i know this. I'm also very committed to the things that I do. So i'm just a bit afraid of stepping past that unknown threshold into deep immersion and exploring. Something i've learned recently from a roleplay experience i'm having with a friend of mine is that i'm afraid of the "hard road". I'm afraid of making choices that will make my time at game as a player harder. I'm afraid of not being able to overcome obstacles, and not being able to I guess do cool things or even basic things successfully. In the case of the roleplay i've been doing its been because of the RNG of digital dice rolls, but what I was seeing was still another obstacle being put in my way. I'm often so much better as just me overcoming obstacles so you'd think it wouldn't matter, but for whatever reasons the hard road at a LARP is scary and mentally exhausting to think about. So i know there is a part of me that wants to shy away from choices that maybe genuine but would make things suck a bit. Then of course . . .What if I fail? What if i'm just bad at being in character? What if as my character i mess up a plot or a mod? What if I become an obstacle for people instead of a partner in story? What if I just mess up? What if my accent is awful and insulting? Just general anxiety of an anxious Cabbit. I'm almost certain i'm not the only person who worries about this. So explaining my fears helps at least get them out in a real way. Talking about it is only one part to it. For this situation to improve I need to be able to work past theses issues in some tangible way. I need to make choices and shift my perspective about these situations. I need to remember that I am a player too and have right to be seen and heard like everyone else. Part of my training is the ability to be able to share space with other people. Partnership is part of my gig, and what is LARP if not collaborative storytelling improv. I need to take the chance and speak up. I need to step up into my characters but also keep myself present enough to be aware of other folks around me who are trying to participate. Part of the facilitation I do at my job is bringing folks into conversations and making space for them to speak. I'm proficient in this and I can apply it to how I roleplay with others at game. I don't have to completely sacrifice myself just so others can have space. There is plenty of room for all of us. I'll just have to remember to both step up and step back from time to time. I have no way of absolutely knowing that I will be separated or ostracizing if I go to my full performance potential. I know I can be a lot but there have been times in my LARP history where folks have expressed how much me being me made a good experience for them. Times were I did the absolute most. If I am afraid about being to much I can talk with folks about it and get their feelings. I can tell folks about my ideas for my character expression and gauge their response. I might even get some input. I can negotiate roleplay boundaries with folks I could potentially interacting with, in game, and

possibly create some roleplay partnerships throughout the weekend. Talking to folks before and after game, as well as during NPC shifts will give everyone a chance to see me beyond my characters. This will help create some separation from the characters I play and me as a person. Also NPCing in and of itself will give folks a chance to see me as other characters so the get the chance to just recognize me as a performer and experience me in various characters. If I am worried about my mental state I can up my general self care to hopefully help with any possible adverse effects. I can add grounding and centering routines to my larp weekends before and after event, and during if necessary. I can build a personal debrief/decompress session into my overall larp wellness routine after game is over. I can try to find a buddy to do check ins with during events if I need them, either at game or off site. I need to sit with my discomfort with the struggles of a character. Challenge is part of the game. Obstacles are necessary for a character to have an interesting narrative and to grow. Its ok if things are difficult. Even video games are difficult sometimes (I'm looking at you Super Ghouls and Ghost), but can still be fun. I need to learn to process that discomfort with struggle and not be afraid of it. If I can overcome real life obstacles i can figure out in game ones as well. It will make the character cooler, but it will make me feel like I have actually accomplished something. That is a rewarding feeling. All of these fears I have are super manageable. I really want to be a great character artist someday. Not just in dedication but in actual ability. I gotta screw up a bit before i get there and that is ok. I want to do cool things not just for others, but for myself as well. I want to have fun. My kind of fun. I want to have that fun with friends.

[canaryatlaw]

okay. today was not bad. not sure if we reached good, but overall now bad, which for now I will take. My body decided to wake me up at 7:50 am for no discernible reason, then decided I wasn’t gonna be able to fall back asleep so I was up for the day. well, might as well make the best of it and be productive. I wanted to make m&m pancakes because I haven’t made them in a while, and I’ve been getting lazy about measuring out the right proportions because I tend to like the batter to be thinner than what the measurements they tell you to use produce (thinner pancakes are less likely to burn on the outside while the middle still isn’t cooked and that gives me anxiety) so I just kinda eyeballed it, but it ended up being a bit too thin and the pancakes would just die when I tried to flip them, so I added some more mix and they were then working just fine. Made my pancakes, sat at the table with my computer and got a jump on the lecture for trusts. it was like 2 hours and 50 minutes, not too bad. It was alright, I did already do the New York trusts lecture so I did have some concept of what was going on, so it wasn’t like totally brand new information to me. I’d wanted to marathon two lectures today so then I don’t have to do one Monday when I’m running around doing a million other things to prep for the bar on Tuesday, so now that I was up early I was gonna try to marathon the two lectures, the second being about the same length as the first. this one was on “commercial paper” which is literally not a term I’ve even heard mentioned once in my three years of law school, so I really had no idea what was coming. The lecturer started off the video by basically saying there is legit little to no chance this is going to come up on the bar but we still made the lecture to be thorough at which point I was like okay PEACE and left because I’m not wasting precious studying time on shit that’s not gonna be on the bar (one paragraph I was reading said fed tax, which is a subject they still teach, hasn’t shown up on the bar in decades. DECADES.) so that was one less thing to do. there’s only one more lecture to cover that I’ll do tomorrow, and it’s secured transactions, which I just took in my last semester and somehow managed to swindle an A- out of it, so I’ll definitely have an advantage with that as opposed to these other subjects I never touched in high school. So, what to do now. I started with some practice questions trying to go slow and analytically, following their step by step problem solving theory, and the first batch came back with really bad grades and I was super frustrated and wanted to bang my head against the wall, but I calmed down and tried another, and the grade went up significantly, so I did a few more with mostly good grades, so that was encouraging. I did some outline review after that, then started going through the essays by subject and outlining them, which is probably something I should continue doing tomorrow, because I’m not great with the specialty subjects essays being that I just learned most of them. Interspersed with all of this was of course news coming out of comic con, I turned the push notifications off on my phone because there was just way too much coming out to distract me, but I would occasionally check it and yeah, there was just a lot. Of course there’s the fact that Jess met the entire cast, which I legit am not even a little bit surprised at because I fully expected that to happen at this point, because that’s just her life. But yeah, that’s all kinds of awesome of course (goddamn bar exam keeping me from going....) and then I took a break to make dinner. I’m still on the trying to convince myself I like eating chicken train, and I had bought some ingredients for a recipe I later decided I didn’t want to make, but I could add a few things and use them to make one meal I know is really good, chicken roll ups, which is basically shredded chicken mixed with cream cheese and shredded cheddar cheese and then stuffed into crescent roll dough and cooked and it’s fucking heavenly. Well. I managed to fuck things up in quite a few ways that made them really not very good. First off, I was using leftover rotisserie chicken, which of course just had a different texture and taste, and was also a lot drier, and I didn’t measure how much it was and I think the ratio was too much so it through off the mixture. I also ended up not having enough cheese because the block of cheddar I had in the fridge had grown a really gross mold spot on it so I had to ditch that. And then, idk if this made any difference, but I didn’t have crescent dough but I had biscuit dough, so I figured if I just rolled it out it would work fine, and idk if that contributed to it not tasting right at all but it was at least one change. so I ended up basically eating the dough off of a few of those before tossing them because they were just not good. so that’s one more check in the “failed” column in this venture. Oh well. I did also watch videos and such out of SDCC as I could, I saw Caity’s IG live where she had the camera on the sizzle reel airing live, so that was a very cool way to get to see the footage for the first time. Everything that came out was so good, I’m so happy we’re getting soft AvaLance and so so much more. I’m so pumped for this season. But alas, I went back to my essays and was getting kind of frustrated when I had a bit of a moment. I had my pump up playlist on, which included a song called Meant To Be by Steven Curtis Chapman (if you’re unaware of who that is, he’s a Christian singer) which I had debated about whether I should add and then had debated again this afternoon if I should keep it as I was deleting some of them, but I did, and I’m just sitting there frustrated when I begin to focus on the lyrics, and in that moment they really spoke to my soul-  

You were meant to be touching The lives that you touch And meant to be here Making this world so much more Than it would be without you in it

And in that minute, I was reminded of all of the reasons I am going on this crazy adventure, why I’m putting myself through all this stress and hard work. It’s because I care. It’s because I want to make a difference. I want to be the kind of person that has a radical effect on the areas of the world they worked in. I was meant to be here. I know I was. I may get frustrated sometimes and talk about how much I miss acting (which, to be fair, I really do) but at the end of the day, that decision wasn’t about me picking law because I didn’t think I could make it in acting, it was about me picking law because I wanted to be a lawyer more than anything else in this world. I had all of this in my mind and I walked over to the wall in my room where I have a picture of the little boy from the child death case I worked on. Manny. He will forever be an innocent four year old. He was denied the opportunity to grow up. And that is why I’m doing what I’m doing. I couldn’t save him, I wasn’t there. But I know there will be so, so many Manny’s in the future that I could be able to help if I worked hard and diligently and refused to back down when things get hard. That’s why I’m doing this. For all the little boys and girls who are facing potential deadly violence and neglect, innocent lives that can be saved, that can be spared meeting a grizzly death before they even get to kindergarten. Because I am so tired of hearing these stories. I. Am. So. Tired. So I’m going to do something about it. Alright, I think that’s enough of a rant for more, there will always be plenty more where that came from. I tried to do some more essays but my vision kept blurring on me which again idk if it’s a vision problem I’ve somehow developed or just a sign I’m overstudying, but it made it fairly impossible to work, so I gave up (I mean, it was also pushing like, 10 pm at this point, so it was probably a good cut off point). So I moved to the living room and watched Queer Eye, trying to unwind, which was helpful. And then I eventually decided I should go to bed, mostly because i’d like to not sleep the entire day tomorrow so I can actually get stuff done. And I am already very tired, my eyelids are actively trying to close on me right now, so I’m gonna finish here. Goodnight mah people. You da best.

[beige-eclipse]

Bitty Drabbles 20

(I’M ALIVE, I’M ALIVE!!! I am so sorry you guys! I got really really sick and even the slightest hint of electronic light made my head pound. I still kinda need ideas for drabbles, but I’ll try to be more regular again. Seriously, just give me a prompt like “goes to X place” or “does X thing” and that would be fine. At any rate, be sure to check out @vex-bittys after reading this.)

Today would be a pretty big step. Ella had proposed a nice day out in a city we used to often visit. I didn’t know, she suggested that Crim come and refused to take no as an answer. Ig had told her about the infinity scarf, so she saw it as being no problem. She had already called her two to go friends Isabell and Paula. They were ready to go and would be awaiting my arrival. I begrudgingly got ready. Crim looked on curiously. I smiled down at him.

“Ella invited us to go hang out with her.” Crim smiled at that, liking Ella the most out of my friends. I adjusted the infinity scarf before opening it up for Crim, his jacket and backpack already inside so he could get ready as we walked. “Well, hop in or we might miss our bus.” Crim did so without hesitation and I could feel him shuffling as he put on his sweater and backpack.

I gently told him to stay hidden until we were safely on the bus, just in case they refused us service, and made sure to snag a window seat. Luckily the seats were high enough that Crim could peek and watch out the window whilst also being protected from view. Anyone who came onto the bus promptly chose a different seat when they looked down to see him peeking out of the scarf.

I patted him to let him know we would be getting off soon and he sunk back into the scarf. I thanked the driver as I got off and bought a train ticket. I could’ve taken busses the whole way, but this would turn what would have been over an hour into about ten minutes or less depending on the timing of the train.

I subtly told Crim to stay hidden once again until we were safely on the train. I knew that he could see through the stitches of the scarf just fine, it would just be a little stuffy. He didn’t complain though, the train station was crowded, and I knew that Crim would have been uncomfortable enough that he would have stayed hidden even if I hadn’t asked him to.

The train came soon enough and though there were many people waiting, I was able to once again grab a window seat. The perks of being the second to last stop in the train line was that you were also the second stop when the trains came back in this direction.

People stared less on the train, so the person who sat next to me didn’t notice Crim soon enough, but of course, it would be rude to just stand up awkwardly, so he sat and tried not to keep glancing over at Crim, failing miserably. Crim glared at them; I didn’t stop him. Luckily for all parties involved, our stop was the fifth in the line, so we were off and out fairly soon.

Ella and her friends were waiting outside the train station for us, Ella having to stop the other two from starting a group hug that would definitely have crushed Crim. Crim peeked out and the two greeted him enthusiastically. First stop? Food of course. And what was our favorite food? Sushi.

Of course, Ella and her friends were active people, so they didn’t have the patience to sit down and eat at a stuffy restaurant. The compromise? Sushirrito. If you don’t know what that is, well, let me tell you. It’s basically a giant sushi roll, the size of a burrito. We usually order ours to go and eat them as we wander and window shop for things we can’t afford. I had another suggestion though.

Everyone happily ordered and munched away and I took the lead. Now, if you were in the lead, you knew where you wanted to go, and after turning a corner, they all knew my destination. The small park with the dried up fountain a few blocks away. The crowd was thick, but I managed to lead us through well enough. Once there, I sat down at the edge of the concrete monument that once held water.

The three I had led here looked at me expectantly. I shrugged and took out my phone, starting up a game that hardly anyone played anymore. They knew what it was from the music and copied me, taking seats to my left and right, opening up the old app. Crim came out of the scarf curiously.

Despite this being a park, hardly anyone came here anymore, having something else to do in the fast paced city. I handed Crim a few select chunks of fish from my burrito, despite having fed him the night before. I swear his eyelights turned to stars like the pygmies did back at the adoption center as he greedily scarfed down the morsels. Note to self, Crim liked sushi. We sat and chatted, finishing our burritos as we played, Crim looking at my phone screen in interest. I smiled down at him.

“This game is called Pokemon Go. It’s an app that allows you to find and catch virtual pokemon in real life, like in your game back home.” Crim’s eyelights flashed as stars once again as he pointed to my screen. He wanted to play. I explained all the features to him, but his fingers were too small for the phone to pick up, and when he tried his hands, that didn’t work either. The downsides of not having skin.

I finished my burrito quickly, offering my finger for him to use as a stylus. He took on the task diligently, though I made sure he actually caught the pokemon he was aiming for by using my previous skill in the game subtly. He didn’t notice, but soon enough, everyone had finished eating and it was time to move on.

Paula took the lead, both in the group and in conversation as we made our way through the city. Crim, I could tell, was having fun just laying in what was surely a hammock for him, taking in the new sites and smells. Paula brought us to the crystal shop. It was small, but not crowded. We split off, Crim coming out with wide eyelights. I smiled down at him.

“Would you like a crystal? I’ll get it for you.” He nodded, immediately scanning the store. He pointed, I followed. He finally settled on a small polished stone of Tigerseye. I chuckled. “Tigerseye? You’ve got good taste, that’s my favorite too. I tapped each of our group members telling them that I would be going up to pay. Crim’s eyes sparkled as I finished the transaction, handing him the stone which he promptly placed in his bag.

The store owner chuckled at his antics. Of course she wouldn’t be put off by the little lamia, her store held more than just stones if the many bone ornaments on the walls were anything to go by. I wonder why this place didn’t get more foot traffic. We left right after, the rest of the group comparing their finds. Unlike me, they tended not to pay… They were courteous not to take much, one stone each, but it was a habit I could do without. The poor woman had a hard enough time as it was getting by. I said nothing, and they had the courtesy to be quiet about it since they knew it was something I detested.

Isabell took the lead next, and though we had just eaten, her sweet tooth wasn’t satisfied. We ended up at the frozen yogurt and ice cream parlor. We liked this place because it was completely self serve. You grab a cup or cone of your choice and load it up from the frozen treat dispensers, pile on as many toppings as you like, then you pay at the front. It didn’t matter what or how much you put inside since you paid per ounce.

Low on cash? Don’t put in so much. Super hungry? Pile your mountain high and await your soon to be stomachache. I wasn’t too hungry, so I grabbed a cone rather than a cup. How people still managed to eat cold things in winter, I would never know, but we once again set off once we had our frozen treats. Ella was in the lead this time, and we all knew where she would go, so we would have to finish our food before getting there.

I managed easily enough, not having bought much in the first place, but Paula and Isabell had to finish outside by a trash can. Ella, despite being petite, could be quite the bottomless pit when she wanted to be. We were greeted warmly when we entered, though, we were all familiar with the staff. Crim looked on in wonder.

Video games lined the shelves, consoles sat behind the front desk, and small figures and other marchandise of video game characters adorned the rows. This was Gamestop, the store where I, and all of my friends, had purchased all of our games and game related goods. We wouldn’t be buying anything today, but they knew this. We always pre-ordered anything we wanted, we would just be browsing.

I made a point to walk up to the front and introduce Crim. I didn’t know the man by name, but I certainly knew him by face, and that was enough. He was like us, so I knew he wouldn’t reject Crim, and I had to translate Crim’s sign language since this man wasn’t in our loop. Once he knew Crim loved pokemon, that was it. He was quite informed on the topic, I mean, why work at a gaming store if you didn’t love video games? Crim listened with rapt attention. I told the man that Crim was starting on Generation one, and he commended me for letting him start from the beginning.

We stayed there for a while, partly for the stuff, mostly for the warmth, but eventually, we had to leave. It was still far too early to part ways, so we decided to wander around the local college campus. It was beautiful, yes, but it was mostly hills, and I would most certainly be getting flashbacks. You see, this used to be my college campus. Long story short, I don’t have a degree, but even I had to admit how nice the scenery was.

Squirrels ran amuck here, not fearing humans, and I made sure to keep Crim close. The little buggers would sneak into your bag and steal your food if you weren’t careful. We somehow ended up at the only library that was open to the public. I tried to make myself small as we entered, but it was a futile effort.

“Beige!” I smiled and waved at the boy manning the front desk. He was older now. We had a short conversation and he let us go on our way. Crim stared at everything, the library was large and beautiful, consisting of multiple floors. It didn’t need artwork, though there were paintings hanging on the walls, since the architecture was immaculate. It was awe-inspiring, but I knew the place like the back of my hand. I was greeted again as we quietly wandered the halls.

“Beige!” I smiled politely again, having a longer conversation with the man before me. We spoke of how things had been going, not too much had changed honestly. We parted ways once again, though I made sure to tell my old friend to say hi to my former boss. Yup, I used to work here back when I was a student. Believe it or not, I was a security guard.

Not as glamorous as it sounds. We were treated like janitors and hall monitors, and if there’s anything more annoying than an entitled child, it’s an entitled adult. You’d be surprised at how many times I’ve had to yell at young men and women not to climb on the outside of the building. I didn’t care if they were in the parkour club, they could take their antics to another building where I wasn’t liable for damages. We wrapped up our visit and I heaved a sigh of relief when we left.

I did miss my job terribly, but I knew I’d never get it back, so it just made me regretful whenever I returned. The chit chat as we walked down the hills distracted me though, and it was light side hugs for everyone when we had to part ways. Ella and I were able to take the train together, but she would need to stay on until the last stop.

It was far too crowded to gain a seat on the way back, the train having stopped at god knows how many stops along the way, but Crim was fine staying in the scarf. We said our goodbyes when our stop came up and we waited for the bus that would take us back home. The sun began to set as we boarded. I knew we were both tired.

“Have fun, Crim?” He nodded, taking out his new stone and showing it to me once again. I smiled as I patted his head absentmindedly. The walk home was pleasant and Crim went to go hide away his new treasure in what used to be his sleeping rock. We needed a day like today. I would have to thank Ella the next time we hung out.

First Previous Next

[brandnewbarelybroken]

What things wouldn't you want to see? I can tell you if I post it or tag it.

Hi ☺️☺️☺️☺️ I just woke up so sorry if my answers are all woozy. I saw you answered me a few times, and I’m just answering here lol thanks for taking the time to help, especially when I was all spazzing and crazy.So the rant thing, I stared in a place totally different than it ended up, the thing I actually meant to ramble about was big accounts who make money for stupid things. And even tho I even like some of them, bec I’m a simple person too, I always wonder about people with crazy awesome talent and wtf ur supposed to do if u don’t know how to navigate the self promotion arena or whatever. I mean printed media is becoming obsolete, if u can’t promote urself digitally, what can u do. I mean honestly I didn’t research enough into it to even make a proper rant, which might be why it veered off topic. I don’t usually have opinions about stuff I know nothing about, tbh I don’t usually make opinions one way or the other, as there is always new information, and I don’t get super attached to one. But somehow my rant turned into something else where it was me just bitching about other people’s opinions. Which I don’t even really care about. It’s really hard to explain, and I’ve been feeling weird this week, even tho it’s only Tuesday, but it’s a new day and I’d rather not think about it rn lol. But no I love Tumblr, the thing I dislike is sort of spreading over all the social medias and it’s not limited to here, but on IG, Twitter, YouTube, etc, and it’s mostly in the comment sections not the actual posts. People coming into things that have nothing to do with them or even the original post sometimes and giving opinions (which fine have them) but on things they know nothing about, being disrespectful and just totally out of line. If u feel like it’s ur place to say something unrelated or to condemn someone u don’t know or whatever, at least don’t be an enormous dick? I dunno, obviously it’s the internet so that sort of wishful thinking on my part is reaaaallllyyy unrealistic. But honestly it never bothered me until quite recently. So I wanted to rant about it but I failed 😭😭anyway, sorry for that crazy rant, but I feel a little better. Lol. Also I wanted to know how to block a tag? Someone told me you can do that? I dunno if it applies to all of tumblr, or just by each account? Also, I don’t think I’ve seen anything from u I wouldn’t want to, I mostly meant things that are too political. I can’t discuss politics with random people, I find there’s no point unless I’m collecting data. Anyway, I’m done lol. Thanks again for taking the time to check I appreciate it 💞

[goldscythe]

Bent and Broken

Been too long since I've written here, to be honest. I know there's probably nobody reading, but... Oh well... At least I get things off my chest.

I've been with Kela's Nuotti rehabilitation program for some time now, once a month for 2 hours with the coach. Mostly been with me talking, but I've got some goals set up towards getting some structure for my weeks. I don't want to just float around anymore.

When I look in the mirror, I see the same 15-yo girl who didn't want to go anywhere, because there was nowhere to go. I'm just fatter and look more tired. I guess that's because I'm 28 now. I look back and I've come far. I'm happily hitched, two cats, rented apartment and a hobby.

That's where I start to see differences. I look around. Some have illnesses and they cope with them, some are just as hopelessly unemployed as I am and some have jobs and steady income that doesn't evaporate 12hrs after it's been deposited in their accounts. What have I achieved in the eyes of others?

I'd say nothing. Sure, some people have it worse, but I feel like a failure for not being able to help the person closest to me. For not being good enough or confident enough to get a job. To support that way. What I'd like to have? A job that I can stand and feel it's worth getting my ass up and out. A pay that I don't have to count every cent of can we get groceries and cat food and litter plus the bills and rent and last until the next pay...

Life likes to throw wrenches at me like Ratchet, with too great of accuracy for my taste. We had savings and our computers broke. I had money and the car repairs were way over what money I got monthly. The second repairs drained the savings again. I'm tired of penny-pinching. The stress is putting a huge strain on me.

I know people would say get a fucking job. It is easier said than done. Right now, Finland does have more jobless people than workplaces open, but compatibility... You can't stuff a ball through a square-shaped hole, you know, we all tried as a kid, I bet.

I might see a job that would be interesting and I'm actually thinking of it, until few hours later, I realize I wouldn't be good at it. I'm afraid.

Afraid of being a failure.

I'm afraid of failing.

Few times I've tried my best, only to fail and get told that it wasn't the right way. I can't handle it. Go ahead, you can criticize my art, I know I'm not good at it, but I like doing it and I try, but god... whatever else I do and it tears me apart.

Thrice in Lankava I just wanted to drop everything and walk out, never to return. I fucking tried!

Almost every other day, I just wanted to drop everything and hop in my car and drive away from Powerpark. The register was just too complex for me and I couldn't grasp the details even after the whole season.

Few times I just wanted to sit and cry in the grass when doing park maintenance, I don't know shit about taking care of flowers or anything, I was tossed in and had to hit the ground running.

In the Children's Culture Center, I was so underqualified I'm amazed why they hired me? How bad was the other applicant that showed up?! I was completely lost with everything and just... flopped around like a fish out of water.

At the call center, that's where I broke the first time from getting chewed out by an angry customer for my mistake. The place wasn't really good, but it broke me. It simply broke me. I can barely call anyplace nor keep my shit together if my old mistakes are brought out. I wish I could thank the Swedish coworker who tried to console me. That job wasn't worth it.

People make mistakes and I am always aware of them, but I'd love to just rave at everyone's face that I'm trying, don't tell me where I went wrong. I am trying my fucking hardest.

I don't really try anymore. Not so people can see. I don't want to hear about my mistakes. I've made them and will continue to make. I just want to forget they ever happened. I know I'm trying to shut the world out. Shut the negativity out. It's just... it's like trying to block one of the nozzles in a fountain.

Why try when you know it's going to blow up in my face?

Why bother?

Why should I go to be the spitoon?

I don't have the answers for those. I wish somebody had. Go through that shit for money isn't what I wish for, but I tend to live in dreamland. None of you probably wonder why if you read my other slice of life shits.

This is my darkness. This is something not even my imaginary friends can save me from. I know I should just... grow the hard skin back now that it has been peeled off. I guess the shit was easier to take from the family in the form of always-broken promises, but it's the same shit that life keeps giving me, so it cannot be that either.

Sometimes I feel like the whole world could burn and I don't care. Other times I just... want to be someone people can trust. That people would trust me and look at me with a smile, with no lies to me.

...see why I don't really even apply for jobs? Why I see the psychotherapist and am in a rehabilitation program? I might look like a well-functioning 28-yo adult. Yet inside, I'm still that confused and broken, angry teen who just resigned to fate and was planning to be a bum under the bridge.

I was exhausted of expectations from everyone and fighting their visions by the time I was 20. I've tried to get a job and enjoy it, do it to my best abilities, but not being good enough. There's only one person who thinks I'm good enough and we live together. I'd probs be still holed up in that tiny village and write stories on the computer in the upstairs of my grandparents, in my childhood home. Without her, I'd be nothing.

Now I'm a wife and a cat mom. A doll modifier. A jewelry maker. A shy writer. None of that pays, but it keeps me alive and sane. If I was ever sane in the first place. I dunno. I've never been like others. I've never known how to do things others do.

Getting a job is a hurdle. Not really my fault either, the job markets are utter crap here. You'd need a million-dollar idea to become an entrepreneur. And you need those fucking million dollars to start that cycle of crap. I just want financial stability. It is just pure impossibility really... At least dreams are free.

I don't like to dream either, they just remind me what I don't have. Money. From a job.

I'm on the road to getting shit done per week, that is one step. I'd just need more help with my mind than can be provided freely. I can't go back either. My hometown is my personal nightmare for me. All the past bad memories flood me. I'm not going back to live, not until I'm better.

If I'm ever getting better.

One thing I have stopped dreaming about completely though. Losing weight. Granny told me I was never gonna lose weight since I had her body type. Well, she is right. Do I hate my body? Yeah, duh, you are lucky you haven't seen it. What do I do about it? Nothing. Nothing's gonna change anyway. My ass and thighs are never fitting in any nice clothes and my gut makes me look preggers, so I just wear oversized clothes. I'm done caring. If she still wants to wake up every morning next to me, even if I'm like this, so be it =)  I'm very much fine with it. I don't care really about myself in physical sense.

I know it shows. One classmate said that the first time she saw me, she had thought that I'd be pretty if I just looked after myself. I never trusted her again, even if she promised to help defend me against rumors. Let them talk if it's their only hobby. In that town, it is the only thing to do. Gossip on others.

I did look around the other day, seeing all these things we've collected but never seem to have time for them and I felt sad. We've put so much love and effort into them. Then what? When we're gone? Who cares of them? Who is there to read their stories? I'm almost tempted to embark in that journey next November. To give them all a voice. Starting from my old imaginary friends. Somebody should hear their stories. Fanfiction-y and impossible they are, but it's our DollWorld. Our stories.

Maybe I should. I don't want this all to go to waste.

Ok, maybe the rant is over. I've unloaded a lot off my chest. Some might call this just attention whoring. It's not, since it's not on IG or Twitter or FB. I'm the type who needs to get things off my mind and out on paper or in digital form. Then I feel better.

A lot has changed and I miss the old times. When I was 15. This new world is harsh and cruel and twisted. Maybe that's the reason for Selenia to exist. It's a safe haven for us. A place where everything is well. It's in this doll room and in our minds and in our word docs. It's in our dreams.

I'm 28. I don't have a job. I love dealing with fashion dolls and handcrafts. I love music, heavy metal in particular. I wish I could turn one of my hobbies into a business, but I know I'm not good enough. I know I'm lazy, but that could also be me being... tired. Tired of failing. Tired of being scared.

Yeah... that gotta be it.

[hefeels-blog]

The beginning IG

Middle school. I know such a petty thing. But it began there.

8th grade was fun for awhile. I met this girl. We talked and grew close and we built up a very well friendship and I never saw her as anything else. But I found myself touching her more and more and then I couldn't be away from her.

I never really liked soemone. I had the occasional relationship but even then it had been at least 2 years prior to that since I had had a relationship. And I really liked her. We ended up getting together and there was no problem.

I was pretty hooked to her and I felt I had a hold on her just as much. It felt very real and I'm a loyal guy so I felt she was someone I was willing to spend my future with.

It's middleschool what do you expect?

But this girl was so good at making you believe she was an angel. Well she wasn't one everyone could see that. But her imperfections made her that much more of an angel to me.

Even my best friend told me to chill out something isn't right with her. We spent a lot of time together during school. Failed classes because of her but that school wasn't good so I passed anyways. Summer came rolling in and we were gonna go to different highschools.

I couldn't see her during the summer. But I bought her many gifts and made sure they got delivered to her. I didn't have a job so I barely had money and I used it all on her since I felt bad I couldn't see her a lot.

School started again and it was weird. Highschool is weird. Especially freshman year. Immediately at the beginning of the year all you can here is "FISHIE" from people in halls and "GPA GPA RANK" From the teachers. But this girl was everything and all to me so I was okay.

I loved her so much I bragged about her to my friends explaining how stunningly beautiful she is. She never accepted my compliments after I tried so hard and used every word in my vocabulary to let her know. She was the only one I called beautiful because the word beautiful seems so deep and real to me so I felt it fit her.

And then one day she told me she had a crush. She told me, her boyfriend, she has a crush. I tried to keep my cool and asked if she meant like a friend crush or wanna be with them crush. And when she said wanna be with them I should've broke up with her. It was a big red flag. It wasn't a crack in my heart but rather... my heart shrunk.

My heart felt fuzzy. I was a bit hurt. I continued to love her tho. So much I brushed it off my shoulder telling her not to do anything.

She did something. And my heart shrunk even more. I found out from a friend that went to the same school as her. My heart would heart a lot everytime we'd say goodnight on the phone. I loved her still so much so I let it go once again.

Ahh but things came to an end. She broke up with me. I wouldn't care much from the actual break up part. But... how she worded everything... made me feel completely and utterly... useless. I felt like the biggest waste of space and it shattered the heart she had already shrunken down in size. She went on exposing how I wasn't worth it and that what I was doing wasn't enough and just so much shit I can't even remember because I tried so hard to block it out.

But I felt sad and insecure. I convinced myself I wasn't good enough. Thinking about it always begins to make me feel like a waste of oxygen. So let's move on lol.

She made herself the victim somehow. Not saying I'm the victim. Although I felt most of it, a break up is a break up. Anyways she said "if you hate me from now on, I understand." She also said she still wanted to be friends.

She made me feel so useless and worthless and she wanted to stay my friend? Haha. Well guess what I told her? I said " I could never hate you. I love you so much and this doesn't mean I'll stop loving you. Of course I'll be your friend." Humiliating. She had control over me and she knew it.

After a few months she suddenly stopped talking to me. I was sad but I was satisfied just being her friend. But when she stopped talking to me for a week I was confused. I believed she still loved me just couldn't deal with being away from me so she ended it for her sake.

I was so wrong. She never loved me. NOT during all the time we spent. Not once were her memories real and sincere. She didn't care about me one bit. I'm not sure she cares about anyone at all besides receiving attention.

After a few weeks she sent me a picture of all the stuff I ever gave her in a pile. Putting it one fire. Laughing saying it was funny.

My family isn't financially stable and I gave her some expensive things risking it. And she did that. She did that when my family allowed me to buy those things. It made me furious. I waa beyond pissed. It felt like a jab towards my family. And I wish I used that money one them rather than her lying ass. Ohhhh the broken heart she gave me was now set on fire with rage. A broken ragefilled heart. I wanted to rip her to absolute shreds.

But I kept my cool and just dropped her from my life.

Months later she's having anxiety attacks. Asks if she can call me. I hate her guts, but anxiety is no jokes and I'm a nice guy. I show mercy. She's crying and I have bad hearing. And when I'm nervous, I chuckle. After spending a year together I thought she would know this. I nervously laughed asking if she could repeat herself cause I couldn't understand. She said something I still couldn't understand and hung up. She was crying so I was a bit concerned but at the same time, she ruined me and made me cry countless times so why should I care? I ignore it.

Later people start texting me calling me an asshole. She started a rumor at her a school, a school I don't even fucking go to, saying I laughed at her while she was having an anxiety attack.

That crossed the line. My heart has been lit with rage ever since she burned shit. I hate her so much I want the chance to ruin her so absolute bits just by my words. Pass on my pain to her and walk off with my rage satisfied and her heart, demolished. I hate her so unbelievably much. I can't feel remorse for her. If she died of course I wouldn't say "fucking good she deserved it" I'm still a nice guy. But I would say something more along the lines "that's unfortunate." And give as many fucks a strictly asexual virgin will ever give.

This was the one who ruined my views on love.