#and if i cant order it i will make it myself!!!!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hopkei · 2 months

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Random Fanta photos (17/?)

#fantastics from exile tribe #fantastics #seguchi leiya #jr exile #jpop #randomfnt #so leiyataso!!#the absolute cutestttt #i love leiyas signature #the other day i decided to attempt to crochet myself a version of his member goods heart bc i love it soo much #and if i cant order it i will make it myself!!!!!#the first attempt was very bad and too big but the second attempt turned out pretty cute i think :))#esp given how much i just had to make up orz and im not that good at crochet #i like it tho and i obv couldnt sew on leiyas signature so i gave it a fantaro mouth🥰#i attached a keychain and now its hanging by my bed to bring me the warmth and joy of leiya

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blackkatdraws2 · 3 months

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There are more things in the Parable than Stanley knows about. [Blank Scripts AU]

#hoh boy i was going to make a comic to introduce these monsters but #i couldnt help myself and made an animation instead #because i just think they're so neat and cool okay #listen i cant for the life of me just infofump about my AU and OCs #because i just think that making actual content about my lore and stuff will not only raise the chances of people being interested #but also it will also raise my motivation to actually produce more content other than the same old recycled front-facing-profile drawings #i need to get creative with my stuff or I'll also loose interest and I DONT want that #in order to be happy with what i have i cant just think about it and expect to be given something new NOOOO i need to MAKE it ughh #i cant believe in order to get more content out of my own au i would need to draw it and feed myself ugh ugh ugh unbelievable (kidding)#but also #i wanna make a little music video or animation again for youtube #its been a hot while since ive uploaded anything in there at all #maybe an animation reel will do for now?#i hope so :(#because ive been working on expanding the Black Scripts AU #and honestly i dont regret it #i had a lot of fun making up scenarios and comics for Stanley and the Narrator (Black)#but yeah!#apart from this little video #you wont be getting an explanation on what these things are supposed to be #and why theyre there #actually i was originally gonna make this into a full fledge animation with sound effect/music/frame-by-frame movement/etc.#but i got lazy HAHA #tsp blank scripts au #tsp au #the stanley parable #the stanley parable ultra deluxe #tsp

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hella1975 · 2 months

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genuinely the moment you find an aesthetic you love and start owning it life gets better

#red is My Colour it’s my thing everyone knows that about me and sometimes I catch myself being like wow this is like actually really lame 😭#bc my hair is red my nails (when i have them done) are red i wear red clothes #and it was always tiny things like that where yeah it’s fun and noticeable but not super in ur face if you don’t know any better #but recently I’ve really been leaning into it like I ordered a red wallet and a red bag AND red sunnies #and i actively choose red whenever colour options are available for day to day stuff #like red perfume instead of the original black one (this is my pride and joy) or dumb shit like getting cherry coke instead of normal #and it’s SO dumb it’s so lame but it brings me so much genuine joy #like i fr feel like a character it’s such a harmless way of making myself happy #AND it makes me happier w how i look bc on top of the red I’ve leaned more into grunge aesthetic lately #bc i used to be too scared to whereas now I’m really enjoying it #like i cant remember the last time i was this comfortable in myself physically and that's kinda a big deal for me #fr find an aesthetic you love and just go with it idc if it’s silly I can’t recommend it enough

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eggthew · 2 months

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"we're all neurodivergent here!" yes okay but are you actually normal about mental disorders and disabilities. do you understand that just because we both have the adhd/autism combo, that we are still two different people with different needs. do you realise that just because you are neurodivergent doesnt mean you dont have to give anyone else accommodations

#it is something i try to keep aware of as well and keep myself in check!!!#idk just my first day here I said i was autistic to someone in order to explain something #i cant remember what exactly but it was a 'sorry about that im autistic and its hard for me to xyz' and they went #'oh a lot of us here are autistic and neurodivergent!' and then proceeded to make an environment that was so uncomfortable #bordering on painful #egg talks

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actualbird · 1 year

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so after a bunch of reflection and breakdowns (more on the breakdowns LOL) ive decided that after i finish my current prior fanfic commitments (1 ficathon fic, 1 zine fic, 1 gift fic i wanna make for a friend), im gonna stop writing full ao3 fanfic for.....a Good Long While

which wont rlly change much from how ive usually been operating publicly LMAO but it's the internal chnge yknow. instead of constantly agonizing and trying and failing to Write More Again like. nah nevermind. im gonna stop. im tired. and quite unhappy. writing fic hasnt made me happy for a long time, and forcing it to when it's not hasnt been working....Believe Me, I've Tried orz

so....3 more fics from me b4 a lengthy fic hiatus woo! KJAHVFKJHSFA

(hiatus doesnt include hc rambles on here and analyses and whatnot, only the fully fledged fics. hilariously, right after i made this decision in my head, my brain immediately bloomed with an idea for an analysis i want to write on main story 9 luke. I THINK AGONIZING OVER FIC WRITING HAS BEEN ACTIVELY KILLING MY BRAIN AHAHAHAHAHAA SOON I'LL BE SET FREE)

#dootdootdoot #this past like fuckin 10 months ive just been beating myself up in my brain like ''why isnt writing fic making you happy!! it always does!#wtf did u mess up!! you broke it you broke the act of fic writing get urself in order make it make you happy again!!!!'' which. as u can #imagine was uh. not conducive. like for the longest time i knew i Needed to stop #but now i really just Want to as well //shrug #like idek if this was burnout or if it's something else but the desire to get away from fanfic writing is so strong i cant ignore it #why should i keep pressing the button that i know makes me miserable etc etc

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in-the-sweet-november-rain · 4 months

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even duolingo has given up on me

#vicki's shit #like i have 0 motivation to do anyhting #but i have shit to do in order to get grades and go to a decent college and have a good jobs so i can leave here and support myself.#i barely have anytime for myself and my “friends”#and it sucks #because i HAVE to get these grades #i have so many people counting on me #i dont really remember the last time i didn't have like someone counting on me to do something #like why me?#and i cant let them down #its just all so much #i barley hav anytime just sit and rest #my mind will not stop worrying that because im not doing anything im a failure and i don't have enough time!#we all have limited time and im wasting it here???#and its all craxy here since i llive in the same region to palestine and all the news is bad and everyone is sad and i'm not blaming anyone #but my heart is always beating to much and i hate it #does that make sense?#i just feel like a failure because i get tired easy but i cant feel like that because the entire ficking world is conting on me #i dont remmeber the last time i could just breathe without someone breathing down my back #like give me a break!!!#i sound so ungrateful wtf #im sorry #vick's shit

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pepprs · 8 months

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my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.

#purrs #longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing #and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how #deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is #to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is #being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten #alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can #one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the #most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably #i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this #delete later #i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting #people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself #and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i #feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk.#also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental #illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt #feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant #i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that #and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending

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venomgaia · 9 months

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designed a plush n got it commissioned for my sibling this past christmas :3

Licorice Vermouth belongs to @clockwork-phantasm

#driftoodles #licorice vermouth #miqo'te #ffxiv #art #custom plush #Licorice is a Miqote n uses they/she pronouns!#their tail is removable via magnet so these pics don't have it attached!#im hoping to open a commission tier soon for 20 cm plushes bc theyre easy to design! i cant MAKE them but i can do the art for them!#well ok I made my jin n malos 10 cms myself and havre a 15cm jin n malos in the works. hand embroidered #will share who i got it from if asked!#also idk wjo made mt haurch i ordered him like a long time ago. but hes so cute

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tamagotchikgs · 25 days

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everyday i sit in wonderment at just how lucky i got 2 get the chance to share experiences w my bf, both theirs n mine,, whenever anything happens i get 2 run n tell them n it makes life all that more meaningful .... woa

#it makes everything feel so worth it #makes everything feel so much less scary #n i adore just being able 2 listen to them talk when it's their turn #there is nowhere in the world that i am more content n comfortable #even if it's just stuff like playing games solo n then sharing the stories of what happened on each of our ends #or like when i go out n try to challenge my anxiety by ordering for myself && i just cant wait 2 get home n share that i did it #so much so that it doesnt feel so scary anymore

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thevalleyoftriumph · 25 days

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im beginning to think that i am mentally ill and the internet makes my mental illness Worse

#i dont often get personal on this blog but im going to be so honest idc anymore. no one has 2 read this if they dont wanna i promise #but anyway. if *ACCIDENTALLY* rbing a Bad post and deleting it within ~5 seconds of it happening AND blocking the op #is enough to send me into one of my downward spirals of NEEDING to check my notes and inbox #and opening and closing my blog to make sure its Actually deleted and im not just Imagining its deleted #in order to feel even slightly okay #only to immediately remember/realize that blog notifications on mobile not only send INSTANTLY upon a rb happening #but show every detail of the post and dont stack either #therefor sending me even FURTHER into my checking and sending me into a panic #because this means people possibly Wont Know It Was A Mistake and instead might think its a genuine opinion of mine #therefor making me panic MORE #if ALL OF THAT is just because this fucking website cant impliment a proper quick-rb button for desktop #and a mistake happened #then i dont think the internet is good for me at this point and i think i need to smash all of my devices #i already get a lot of those like... needing to do Something to make sure nothing bad happened/happens #like i get that a lot already from my irl life i do NOT need it to happen online too.#because like.. i dont know WHO saw that. so am i making a huge fuss out of nothing/a mistake everyone could have made?#yes! probably! but i cant really stop myself now that ive started so this is going to Legit Haunt Me which is Not Normal!#whatever mannnnn #got so upset over this i cried and then circled back around to just Mildly stressed to apathetic entirely within the span of 4 minutes #still checking my notifs/inbox every two seconds but at this point ive accepted Someones probably gotten a notif and well. nothing i can do #kitkat chitchat

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nerdie-faerie · 11 months

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Got my grades back for the year and I did waaay better than expected and as such will be doing nothing to change my approach to my education in light of this feeling of vindication

#Uni shenanigans #cant tell me sht now. clearly it all worked out for me #'oh you shouldnt pull all nighters and let last minute panic motivate you to complete assignments' yeah but look how it worked out #'not looking at your grades throughout the year so you can convince yourself your failing in order to work harder is unhealthy & wont work'#uh i beg to differ. look at this sht! believing i was failing and last minute panic is responsible for this #tbf the classes i did best in were the ones i was interested or had a good professor for so i didnt really get the grades myself #but still. i will be making no adjustments to my bad study habits

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periprose · 2 months

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Lol as per usual my mom still thinks I'm a slut for wearing clothes I'm comfortable in... 🙃

#literally i cant see myself having a relationship with her in the future #how is having a chest a bad thing #im just a human female #im just existing #this dumb bitch has something against women #despite being one #she makes me feel like shit and she enjoys it #vent #delete later #she decided that me lying down and the slight line of cleavage i had was 'wrong'#lol i have such resentment towards her #i can never wear cute clothes bc she tears down my confidence #and she buys me frumpy shit in order to cover me up #i honestly think she could be jealous #fuck her

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ragnar0c · 4 months

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Lyft driver recognized me at my job and called out to me......... being percieved is actually 💀

#i had been smug to myself about hiw the customers haven't recognized me/ know my name but ITS THE LYFT DRIVERS I SHOULD WORRY ABOUT #i tip them. apparently people dont tip lyft drivers where i live and its ridiculous #i do have a few customers who come up to me and KNOW that i should probably remember their order #they go 🤨😌 'same old thing xyz'#i would be annoyed but i secretly like regulars. like yes ill make yall lunch every day 💖#but then i snap out of it and realize the horrors 💀#personal #off topic #anyway i cant drive so i take lyfts to work and the place i work at does doordash and ubereats so a lot of lyft drivers stop by

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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year

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...

#let me express to u perhaps The frustration of my life #i like to learn. it is perhaps my favorite thing. new information. more more more constantly #but. my fucking brain is the fucking worst. because im not fucking stupid if i can focus and process the words being said i can understand #many things. i like to learn about math and physics and chemistry and biology and anatomy... ect concepts #but the focus and the processing of words is where we have problems. because i cannot focus for more than like 5min #i blink and suddenly ive been spaced out for a sec and need to reorient. i cant prioritize what to do 1st and im constantly bouncing betwee #tasks so nothing ever gets done and im too intimidated to start learning things. and when im trying to learn we habe the processing words #problem. like my reading comprehension is so fucking bad. like i will read a book on paper and maybe retain 25% of the info if im not #hardcore trying. for a class where i had to do a ton of paper reading. i had to read everything out loud to myself. highlight important #info. write myself a summary based on the highlights and then read the paper again before i could even begin to feel comfortable in #discussions. it was so fucking frustrating and miserable. ppl will give me physical books and im like thanks i cant fucking read sorry #too fucking dyslexic. read and listen they say. u have to read and listen at the same time bc i cant pay attention and i cant read #so if i do both then maybe the info gets in. thats y i have to read aloud but i hate it and still get distracted #i mean. i probably just have an attention problem. its also really annoying that my short term working memory is so awful #bc in order to make things make sense i have to draw or write them out. i cant judt go off the top of my head or i get stuck saying thr sam #thing over and over and over. its like my ability to think is extremely shallow. but thrn i read papers and recognize concepts from classes #i took years ago and im like. fucking y cant i know what i know? my head feels so empty but info is in there somewhere #its just so fucking frustrating that i love understanding systems so much. complex annoying little systems that fit together like a puzzle #and my fucking brain refuses to accept the information im trying to get in there. so i return to a remark left on my dyslexia assignment:#intelligent when not constrained by language or time. thanks. unfortunately language is how ppl communicate #also i freak out under time pressure lol. anyway ive just been reading papers for fun this weekend and remembering y i dont: bc its agony #but also i fucking love the concepts so much and i need a good understanding of photosynthesis before August when i join a photosynthesis #lab lmao. ugh. i love learning but my brain was not buildmt #built for it. if only if only someone could podcast about the obscure things im interested in while reading directly from the source #unrelated #also its like 105 degrees plus. its too fucking hot out #thats like 40 degrees C. the sun is like a death ray

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audiovisualrecall · 4 months

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Last night my mom was like okay tomorrow let's spend the day looking into the state health insurance stuff together and I was like okay great! I'll enroll in the work one and we will see if the state options are any good. I Can dream about doing The Artist Thing and not just continue to try to do the Normal (aka Neurotypical) Thing of a normal Job when my brain isn't good at that and it leads to embarrassing meltdowns and lots of stress for me.

And today.... she apparently asked dad to start working on it with me but I didn't come down for breakfast till 11 at which pt he started working on the easel he's actually decided to Make me for my birthday gift (crazy man! Looks at the ones in stores and looks at plans and decides he can do better and just goes and starts!), and he didn't mention anything to me before that, and she was at services this morning and then got some groceries and got home at like almost 1, had a snack? Lunch? And was like I'm gonna just sit down for a bit and then we can do that, but I started reading and just realized it's almost 2 so went to talk to her and she's napping. So. Idefk. I'm disappointed.

#also trying to explain that like. i have been masking a lot since i was young. so i seem 'high functioning' or 'low support needs' but that #doesnt mean NO support needs and Also ive been struggling more and more the older i get with everything #I'm realizing i will continue to need more support than someone else might think i would and #people simultaneously insult and attempt to compliment me abt it #like steph telling me i should move out and be independent meanwhile i struggle with making phone calls. i paid for driving lessons 2 yrs #ago and still havent called them back to schedule the damn lessons!#bc the mix of adhd and tism means i Cant Do It #i can look up stuff abt the health insurance on my own but I'm likely to just get overwhelmed and minimize the page and do nothing with it #i have meltdowns at work due to a mix of rsd and stress and frustration.#I'm struggling and need help but its help an almost 30 yr old 'shouldnt' need help with. and my over-60 retired parents 'shouldnt' be th #the support system for an almost 30 yr old who is so 'functional' like. I'm a gremlin that can pretend to be a person a lot of the time #and if not them then who? if i moved out how would i manage? between anxiety and adhd and depression and autism.#i already forgot to order my meds in time once! i forgot to delay an autoship and ended up with too many boxes of cat litter! i havent been #able to call the driving school back abt scheduling lessons after 2 yrs! i cant get myself to enroll in the health insurance!#i cant BE independent and i dont necessarily want to be about half the time but then i feel self conscious and ashamed and uncomfortable bc #I'm 30 and i dont ACT like it #and 'well youre not as bad as so in sos son who Cant hold a job' like. ma. I only got my job bc i was lucky.#bc i responded to tbe survey when i failed the little test in the application and someone read my response and decided to give me a call #bc nino was a good dude and the corporate bs hadnt gotten so bad at wfm.#and then my current position was also luck (or unlucky) bc diana left and they had no one else for the role and i was into the flowers and #helped out big time on making a display and on supporting floral etc before she left after a big holiday #and they were like so imran said u did a good job w that so would u be interested in the job?#i wish id said no but then i wouldve gone for supervisor which i also wouldnt have had fun with #like are there good things i got out of my job? if course. i did grow! i did learn a lot! but I'm not Good At It. is really hard on my rsd #to fail or feel like i fail repeatedly. and the stress is bad for me and I dont wsnt them to fire me over something stupid #and j hate the corporatism and the leadership #bc this type of job COULD bc good. i could do it. with a lot more support and a bigger team than they think i need #anyway.#i just... want something different.#i cant think of any traditional job where it wouldnt be the same shit

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silverislander · 4 months

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symptoms disorder is causing symptoms of a disorder to me once more. shocking and tragic. who could have predicted this

#im just frustrated man. its hard #working on my essay has been easy! im having fun im excited to do this and i think im doing good work #but unfortunately bc my brain is tied to seven horses running in opposite directions. its the ONLY thing i can fucking work on lately #ive been putting off work in my three other courses in order to work on my essay #and now those deadlines are coming up and i still cant fucking. make myself do stuff to meet them #i have 2 days to write up at least 6 discussion posts from 2 weeks ago + write at least 2 journal entries on books i didnt get time to read #+ finish a short essay #i have a week to finish 2 other short essays #i have a week and a half to finish the next part of my big essay #i need to start work on my theory presentation so i dont fall behind bc presentations are NOT smth i half ass #i havent done any of the readings for any course in almost a month. im so behind on those its not even funny #but i can only make myself do one fucking thing rn and its the least relevant thing where the deadlines are negotiable. why #levi.txt

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