#and imposter syndrome

[aguineapigcouldntdothis]

me, born and raised jewish and grew up surrounded by jewish people and culture:

ok what if i meet these (also jewish) people and i say some dumb shit bc it turns out everything i was taught is entirely fake. what if everyone there hates me. what if i say something really weird bc i miss having in person jewish friends, something that is a luxury here.

[megamanofnumbers]

I'd like to share my thoughts on the latest episode of Otona, precisely in relation to two extremely gay and not-straight characters finally introduced into the series most concerned about being extremely straight and not-gay, but I fear if I do the entire fanbase will collectively come together to Hirogaru Sky Punch a hole right through the back of my face.

So I'll just say this: Nagihono fans, it's been an honor knowing you all.

Oh, and Shiny Luminous fans too.

[dei2dei]

welp I either did something right or fucked up and only time will tell but my anxiety will eat me alive in the meantime.

this is so much of my life.

[pen-of-roses]

How do i pin down all the wiggly bits of the plot and or convince myself to write to figure it out

[redysetdare]

Gotta keep reminding myself that just because people come up with the same ideas as me doesn't make me a faker or a copy cat, especially when i came up with an idea before seeing their posts on it.

[tonyzaret]

[shidouryusm]

Not my molecular biology professor giving me the hardest set of questions for quiz (accidentally) and then proceeded to not even compensate for that and telling me that I could’ve done better.

[beggars-opera]

[thebibliosphere]

Speaking of therapy, I say, as though we're old friends, and you're not a stranger trapped in this metaphorical elevator with me and you can hear the suspension wires starting to fray.

I've been doing a lot of work recently that's focused on imposter syndrome and the feeling that no matter how well or how much I do, I'm not good enough. That I'm somehow tricking everyone into thinking my work is actually good.

Some days it's a minor niggle in my head that I can gentle and soothe with logic and affirmations. Or smother, depending on the mood. Other times it's loud and all-consuming and the mental anguish it causes me is so real I can feel it twitching in my muscles. This desperate fight-or-flight instinct with nowhere to go and nothing to fight but myself.

Anyway, because I'm several types of Mentally Unwell™, I was switching between workshop sheets ahead of next week. Filling in different forms. (Trying to get a good grade in therapy) And I got my "recognize your harmful ADHD coping mechanisms" worksheet mixed in with the "you're not actually lying to people, you just feel like you are because your brain is full of weasels" worksheet, and seeing them side by side made something go topsy turvy in my head, and I just had to sit and breathe for a couple of minutes until the urge to scream passed. Because it clicked, it all suddenly clicked.

The reason the imposter syndrome workshops and therapy sessions aren't sticking was because I do routinely trick people into thinking I'm someone I'm not.

Because I'm masking my ADHD for their convenience.

I've always known there was something wrong with me. My neurotypical peers made it abundantly clear I didn't fit in or was failing in some way I couldn't see nor remedy, no matter how hard I tried.

So I compressed myself into a workaholic box of hyper-competence in the hopes they'd stop noticing the flaws and exploit like me instead. And then subsequently lived with the daily fear that if they looked too close, they'd realize I'm a monumental fuck up with enough personal baggage to block the Suez Canal.

If you ever need someone to burn themselves to ashes for your comfort and convenience, I'm your gal.

Or I used to. Until I had a bit of a breakdown, and the rubber band holding my brain together snapped and pinged off into the stratosphere, never to be seen again.

Unfortunately, the trauma of living like that didn't also fuck off and instead left a gaping maw where my personality ought to be, so now I get to deal with that aftermath.

And it's that aftermath that's affecting the imposter syndrome shit. Because yes, I am hyper-competent and good at what I do-- but it doesn't feel real because that is how I mask.

And the truly frustrating thing is I am good at what I do. I am not pretending. I worked hard to be good at this. It just feels like I'm dicking around because 90% of my personality turns out to be trauma masquerading as humor in a trenchcoat, and having people genuinely like something weird I'm doing is so foreign my brain has decided it's just another form of masking.

I'm pretending to be a good author so people will think I'm a good author, and my brain thinks we are in Danger of being found out. We are in Danger, and writing is Dangerous because then people will know I'm Weird and not whatever palatable version I've presented myself as for their NT sensibilities.

Like the neurotic vampire with a raging praise kink wasn't an obvious giveaway.

Anyway. I got nothing else. Thanks for listening.

I'm going to go be very normal in another room and not stare into the abyss of my own soul for a bit.

[emuanon34]

[mafia-c]

Imposter (1/3)

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[illufinch]

having a really good time in fields of mistria

[yeehawpim]

aka being the dumbass in the room means I get to learn the most 😂👌

[a-kind-of-merry-war]

when I say "I'm going to block my access to every social media site for my mental health", what I actually mean is "I'm going to block every social media site apart from tumblr", because twitter and instagram are designed to give you brainrot while tumblr is just a little junkyard full of rats going sniffsniffsniffsniffsniff and showing each other exciting pieces of garbage (affectionate)

[amygdalae]

its interesting to me how self-deprecation neatly ties into making others feel bad. like. if you constantly assume that you’re stupid no matter how informed or skilled in a topic you might be, people who are a bit less learned or skilled than you might see how you, someone who is obviously skilled, talk down about yourself, and assume that if you think YOURE an idiot you must think theyre an even bigger idiot and lose confidence or find you intimidating as a result. its fucked up. and its part of why it can be so important to break out of cycles of self-hatred--not just for yourself, but for people around you

[trans-army-real]