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blessedwithabadomen · 3 months

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in love with the mess - day eight

summary : Aubrey is going on tour and, for once, she's decided to focus on having as much fun as possible. Oli can be a little shit but he does nothing short of adore Audrey and... well, maybe Noah a little, too. Noah likes the flirting, as long as no one gets too close, emotionally. But what will happen when the three of them take it too far?

content : smut (oral m & f receiving), angst, drinking, little bit of fluff

length : 5.6k

tags (let me know if you want to be tagged!) : @veronicaphoenix @cookiesupplier @lma1986 @jilliemiw86 @bngurngheart @lacktoesandtoddlerants @narcissisticbehavior81 @flowery-mess @shilohrosechicken @justeli6 @starvingarsyn @floatinglikeaswan @somebodyels3 @kageyasma @spikeisdaddy

a/n : It's @spikeisdaddy's birthday today! Hope you enjoy the chapter 😉

•••

day eight

We spent the night away from each other and even though we’d all just agreed to only focus on having some fun, it felt like the loneliest night yet. I found myself tossing and turning and reaching out for people who weren’t there. It seemed stupid, really. We’d only done the whole sleepover endeavour once, yet I missed it as if it was the norm. I was tired and restless when my alarm went off. At least today involved no travelling. As much as I enjoyed getting around, I needed a restful day.

If the universe decided to be gentle with me and allow me one.

I was in the middle of trying to decide whether I should call Lia or finally get back at my roommate and whatever bad news I assumed she had to tell me, when my phone displayed a new, private message from Noah.

Noah How did you realise you enjoyed giving blowjobs

I was still in shock at the words I was reading when another text came in.

Noah Okay maybe it was rude to assume you enjoyed giving blowjobs, dismiss that part Aubrey Noah, my love, I’m going to need a lot more context for this question Noah Absolutely not Aubrey Give me your room number, I’m coming over Noah Folio’s here Aubrey FINE come to mine then No more excuses

Noah, luckily, obliged. I didn’t have to kick Oli’s arse into gear for another two hours, really, so there was more than enough time to deal with whatever Noah needed to discuss. Not that I didn’t have an idea what was on his mind. But I wouldn’t let him off the hook so easily. He’d have to say it out loud to get any help from me.

When I opened the door to Noah, he was blushing deeper than I’d ever seen him and I couldn’t help pulling him down for a quick kiss just for the sheer adorableness. Then I pushed him into the room, walking him backwards until he sat down on the edge of my bed and mustered him from above.

“So?” I asked, eyebrows raised. “What possessed you to get up this morning and type that exact message into our chat?”

“Nothing, it was just a question!” Noah exclaimed as if I would believe it.

“Sure. You just happen to wonder, out of nowhere, about giving blowjobs.”

“What if I am?”

“You’re not though.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do.”

He tried to look stern, but the lingering red colour on his cheeks didn’t do him any favours. We were at a stalemate, staring at each other, trying to force the other to budge through the sheer pressure of silence. But he had no idea how stubborn I could be.

He broke sooner than anticipated.

“Fine, Folio made a stupid comment about when I was going to suck Oli’s dick and then it wouldn’t leave my head.”

“Because you’re interested in it?” I asked, carefully, stroking his head as I stepped a little closer. He immediately spread his thighs so I could move between them, looking up at me with wide eyes.

“I don’t know,” he answered, honestly. I could see the torment in his eyes, the question of whether he dared to go further, of what he wanted, of what Oli would let him do.

“Well, I guess you won’t know unless you try. But…” I sank down on my knees in front of him. “I could always show you how it’s done, if you're nervous about that.”

Noah’s laboured breathing was answer enough and when my hands reached for his belt, he leaned back instinctively, giving me more space to work with. I made quick work of undoing his belt, opening the button and fly of his trousers. He willingly lifted his hips so I could push the fabric down, immediately removing his boxers along with it.

Noah was hard. My mouth salivated just from looking at it.

“Thinking about doing this to Oli got you all excited, hm? He’s gorgeous, you know. I got to see it once, up close, just as hard as you are now.” My hand softly grabbed onto his dick, giving him a few teasing strokes. He sighed in relief. “He came all over my chest. But you? You get to come in my mouth. If you want to.”

I fluttered my eyes at him. Noah couldn’t nod fast enough, holding eye contact with me as I lowered my head and gave him a long lick, tasting all of him from his base to his tip.

“You want to start slow, you know?” I mused, before repeating my action. “Tease him a little. Get him all hot and bothered.” My hand was moving when my tongue wasn��t on him. “See what he’s into.”

I let my tongue twirl around his head a little and then, almost unexpectedly, engulfed it in my mouth. Noah groaned beautifully, a hand now holding the back of my head, I wasn’t even sure if he was aware of it. I tasted the precum already dripping, savouring the slightly bitter taste just because it was him before moving away again.

“Putting your mouth on him is when it gets really good. Don’t aim for too much if you’re not used to it.” I took him a bit farther into my mouth, just for a moment, then I withdrew. “Try to figure out what he's into. I think Oli can be pretty loud so that wouldn’t be a problem.” I grinned up at him, but he didn’t manage to look back at me for long.

As soon as my mouth was on him again, he threw his head back, eyes closed in pleasure. It was straining to look up at him from my position but I couldn’t help trying to see every now and then, trying desperately to commit the image to mind.

Noah was turning into a moaning, trembling mess, quickly. I was rhythmically moving my mouth over his dick now, taking him as far as I comfortably could, my hand covering the rest of his length. He was heavy on my tongue, slightly thick, perfect. His hand was fully grasping my hair now, bordering on painful, but I enjoyed it all the same. I knew he was going to come soon.

Going a little faster still, working my mouth and hand in tandem, it didn’t take much more for him to fall apart. His deep groan vibrated somewhere deep inside me as he came, keeping me in place as I swallowed it all, just as I had promised.

When I finally pulled off, Noah bonelessly fell backwards, breathing hard and I had to chuckle at how my efforts had worked out.

“So, what do you say?” I asked, even though I was unsure he was hearing me just yet. “Want to give it a try? I could shoot Oli a text right now.”

I didn’t expect him to agree.

“Text him,” he murmured. “But stay.”

I wasn’t one to refuse. My underwear was already uncomfortably wet. Now I was getting to see Noah give Oli his first ever blowjob? It was going to be the most delicious torture.

Still, I crawled up onto the bed quickly, taking Noah’s face between my hands and making him look at me. His eyes were glazed, but his mind seemed clear.

“Sure?”

He pulled me down for a kiss, not caring where I’d literally just had my mouth.

“So sure.”

Aubrey Come over. Noah wants to blow you.

Noah had barely come back to life and managed to get properly dressed again when a knock sounded through the room. Of course, Oli would waste no time at all after getting that message. I opened the door to a very flustered and out-of-breath singer, even though the way from his room to mind hadn’t even been remotely long enough to get so worked up. Apparently the idea was more than appealing to him.

“Is this for real?” he asked the second he entered the room, moving past me just to check if Noah was really there. “Because if not I got a boner for nothing.”

I didn’t know what, exactly, I had been expecting. But it surely wasn’t Noah all but flying off the bed, pressing Oli against the wall and falling to his knees.

“Someone's eager,” Oli chuckled, lifting Noah's head with two fingers under his chin to force him to look at him. “Let's see what you got then.”

I found my place on the singular armchair in the room, right next to them, seating myself on the arm rest to assure I would have the best view of it all. Noah deftly pulled down Oli's sweatpants, revealing both the fact that he wasn't wearing any underwear and that he was growing considerably harder with every passing second. For a moment, Noah hesitated, hands resting on Oli's tattooed thighs, before looking up at me. I gave him a quick nod. It was all the reassurance he needed.

If Noah had indeed not touched a single dick that wasn't his own, he did a mighty fine job of hiding it. I watched in awe as he teased Oli with his hands, then his tongue, quickly reducing the other to a man made of nothing but groans and desire. The heat between my legs was becoming almost unbearable at the sight in front of me, two absolutely gorgeous men completely lost in their lust, but touching myself wasn't an option. I couldn't risk missing a single moment of what was happening.

“Fuck, Noah,” Oli moaned. “Don't…” How voice wavered a little as Noah wrapped his lips around his cock. “Don't take me too deep, you gotta sing tonight.”

With a hand in Noah's hair, Oli tried desperately to control the other man's sloppy but eager actions. Noah's nails were clawing into Oli's thighs, desperate for something to hold onto. My hands balled into fists at my sides, my thighs clenched. I hadn't entertained the idea that watching a man I was attracted to give a blowjob to another, equally attractive man could be a major turn on, but my bodily reactions were impossible to ignore.

Abruptly, Noah took Oli deeper, much deeper, leaving him to fall apart in an instant. Under chants filled with more profanity than I had ever heard, Oli came in Noah's mouth, back arching away from the wall, eyes squeezed shut. As soon as the feeling started to subside, Oli let go of Noah's hair and sunk down into his knees in front of him.

“Fucking hell, I told you not to do that.” His voice was harsh as he scolded Noah, but his fingers were soft as he wiped Noah's mouth clean. “You better rest your voice for the rest of the day.” Oli's eyes flickered up to me. “But I think there's some more work for your mouth to do.”

Suddenly, both pairs of eyes were on me. Oli’s face showed a grin, while there was nothing but hunger to be found in Noah’s glance. If it hadn’t been so fucking hot, it almost would have been intimidating.

In a few short steps, Noah was stood in front of me, heavily grasping my wrists to study the way I was still forming fists with my hands.

“On the bed. Now.”

“Voice rest, Noah!” Oli called from where he still sat on the floor. I studied him for a moment, looking utterly fucked out, eyes still half-lidded, pants still shoved down, not even bothering to tuck his dick back in. It shouldn’t have looked so tempting, really. Then I remembered Noah’s stern voice and when I looked up at him, I knew I better do as told.

He let go of me as I stood up, letting me crawl onto the bed until I was laying on my back in the middle of it, knees propped up and slightly spread to let my skirt fall open just that little bit. It wasn’t even close to being enough for Noah. With a predatory groan he came to kneel in between my legs, roughly pushing the fabric upwards and my thighs further apart and -

“Fuck,” he mumbled, hands tightly holding onto my legs, but his eyes were fully fixated on my left thigh.

I knew he had seen a hint of the tattoo before, as had Oli, but none of them had had the chance to admire it from the position it was meant to be looked at. The snake curled around my upper thigh, its tail end right in front in the middle, going around it once and then ending on my inner thigh, the snake’s tongue out, just mere moments away from my panties, as if ready to pounce any minute. Noah traced it, all the way, fingertips leaving goosebumps in their wake. I gasped when they reached the sensitive skin on the inside of my thigh, so close to where I wanted him. But before I could even think about begging, pleading, crying for more, his mouth descended on my flesh, leaving a bite on the head of the snake that bordered on pain. I moaned all the same, the pure satisfaction of the sensation overpowering any possible negative feelings.

“You’re fucking naughty, you know that?”

I wasn’t sure if I had ever heard Noah talk like that but combined with his low voice it left me trembling. His fingers were now at the edges of my underwear between my legs and then, without any warning, brushed my clothed centre.

“And so wet. Did you get off on blowing me or watching me suck Oli off? Probably both. Probably doesn’t take much to get you in this state.”

It didn’t. Not when it came to those two. Every look, every touch, every kiss constantly threatened to soak my panties. In fact, it routinely did. I was twitching under him now, unable to keep my reactions under control at the proximity of his face to my pussy. He finally took pity on me, roughly wrecking the panties from my legs, pulling them down and throwing them some place I couldn’t see, before grabbing and spreading my thighs again. I didn’t have it in me to feel self-conscious at the way he mustered me, committing my naked form to memory, I just needed his hands or his mouth or anything.

“Stop moving,” he grumbled before finally putting his mouth on me and I couldn't hold back a shout, the nerve endings firing through my whole body, and raising my hips up to meet him. “I said. Don't. Move.”

Suddenly, an arm was draped over me. Opening my eyes, unaware they had shut in pleasure, I saw Oli, kneeling on the bed next to me with a smirk and holding me down. “Better listen to the man. You want to be a good girl for Noah, don't you?”

I simply moaned in return, letting Oli hold me down as Noah’s tongue licked my wetness, teased my clit, somehow feeling like he was everywhere at once. I was already so impossible turned on that any playing he did with me was solely for his own pleasure - I was moments away from falling apart. Especially when he decided I was more than ready for two of his fingers inside of me, lean and long and hitting my spot so perfectly. I mewled and trashed against it all, only kept down by Oli’s strong grip.

“Such a whore for a little action, aren’t you? You’d be begging and pleading if your brain was working enough to let you speak.” Oli’ voice was so low, drenched in his accent as if it was coming out thicker than ever when he was turned on. His free hand travelled to my neck, testing my reaction if he squeezed its side a little and all I could do was arch further into it, taking it all, whatever either of them would be willing to give me.

Noah’s fingers were moving faster, the noises seemingly echoing through the room from how drenched I was and then, finally, finally, he started flicking my clit with his tongue in exactly the way I needed, hard and fast.

“You couldn’t be loud on the bus,” Oli said, “but you better be as loud as you can now.”

Staying quiet wasn’t even an option. Not when my orgasm washed over me, still rising and rising with Noah’s face between my legs, my hips buckling so violently even Oli couldn’t hold them down completely. I came with a scream, all tension releasing into the feelings of overpowering lust paired with utter trust as I was surrounded by the two men I couldn’t stop thinking about.

Comin down happened gradually, my mind a haze. I whined when Noah removed his fingers but couldn’t help but moan when I saw my wetness clinging to his face, cheeks flushed red but looking so content. Oli was softly petting my hair, all dominating features about him vanishing as checked up on my, making sure I was okay.

When Noah crawled up onto the bed with us, curling up next to me, effectively caging me in between them once again, I knew I was more than okay. I couldn’t even dream of being anything else.

•••

Noah ended up pretending he had woken up with a sore throat which caused everyone to accept his choice to be on vocal rest immediately as long as it meant he could do the set tonight. Oli and I had trouble keeping our giggles to ourselves every time someone around us mentioned it though. Only after giving Noah another stern talking to about being more careful when sucking someone off next time he was on tour. He hadn’t fought back, but the rolling of his eyes had said it all.

By early afternoon, Bring Me The Horizon had completed their soundcheck and left for food somewhere else, citing to be sick of catering at venues. I declined the invitation to come along and instead grabbed a plate of whatever the location had deemed “Mexican food” and retired to Oli’s dressing room. As nice as the peace and quiet was, I was aware I didn’t have all that much time to relax. And I desperately needed to call my roommate. I’d left her waiting for long enough.

“Would you mind moving out for next month?”

The question hit me like a ton of bricks. And not just because it was the first thing she said to me instead of greeting me like, you know, a normal person.

“I’m sorry?”

I tried recalling the current date but came up short. End of January though, surely. She couldn't seriously expect me to find somewhere new in a matter of days, right?

Right?

“My boyfriend got kicked out of his place so he’s moving in here.”

“I… I have nowhere to go,” I stammered.

“Okay.”

Well, she surely wasn’t going to be any help.

“What if I say no?” I asked. Maybe I would manage to find something for March. Mid-February if I got really lucky.

“Well, l already talked to our landlord and I’m the main renter on the contract so I was able to change your name to his.”

“So you already kicked me out, basically? What the fuck?” I didn’t even bother to keep my voice down. Asking me to move out was one thing, admitting that the decision had already been made without informing me at all was very much another.

“Yeah, sorry,” she replied without much remorse at all. “You can pick up your stuff before the first right?”

I hung up. I knew that if I attempted to say anything else, I’d turn mean and cruel and as much as I felt like she deserved it in that moment, that simply wasn’t who I wanted to be.

Sitting in the dressing room, silence engulfing me, it was like my body couldn’t decide whether it wanted to let me get into a rage or break out into tears. Either way, I was restless, panicky, unable to process what I’d just been told. I stood up so abruptly, the forgotten about plate on my lap clattered to the floor loudly. At least I’d already finished my meal - I doubt I could stomach any food right now.

I needed something to do, though. The band was still gone but the time suggested that Bad Omens would start soundchecking right about now, so I ventured into the main room of the arena. Anything not to be alone. Noah stood at the sound desk, chatting with Becky, the rest of the band already on stage and fine-tuning their instruments. I joined the two of them, ready to scold Noah for talking, but he turned to me and, in the quietest voice imaginable, told me he was only whispering. Promise.

“Don’t overdo yourself at soundcheck,” I warned him still. “Oli’s going to kill you if you can’t sing.”

He simply shook his head with a smile and brushed his hand against mine as he made his way to the stage.

“Anything I can do?” I asked Becky. “Oli’s gone, so…”

“Actually, yes!” she beamed. “One of our techs is running late after visiting family yesterday so if you’d like to be the hands to my brain and don’t mind me ordering you around a little bit, you’re more than welcome to help out.”

“Believe me, you can’t be worse than Oli,” I laughed. The heaviness of my phone call was still weighing me down, but Becky’s sunny being made me feel lighter immediately. It was far from the worst way to spend my time.

***

Noah made it through his set and with the help of a lot of shutting up and taking care of his throat, I was sure the absolute majority of people never even noticed his struggles. It was still decided he’d sit out on Antivist once more, so while Bad Omen’s packed up and left, I did my best to keep busy. I was basically begging people for jobs, double-checking if Becky really didn’t need anything more from me (I was torn between believing she could handle it and wondering if I’d maybe done so badly she simply didn’t trust me around her equipment anymore), even Oli was annoyed when he couldn’t find anything else for me to do. My frantic attempts not to let a single thought occur were intermittently interrupted by Noah texting me.

Noah You’re a right worker’s bee tonight, aren’t you? Aubrey Cutest bee you’ll ever see

I cringed the very second I sent the message. Why would I even text something like that? My mind was clearly driving me insane. I was still trying to figure out if there was a way to delete my message and pretend he’d never seen it when his reply came in.

Noah You’re the bee’s knees I don’t actually know what that saying means Do bees have knees? Aubrey You’d think I’d know all about the birds and the bees but unfortunately not in the literary way

I put my phone away as Bring Me The Horizon were about to take the stage, lending my hands to a few of the workers in the most menial ways to make sure the show would be perfect. It mostly involved me holding things or carrying them from one place to another. It sort of felt like they were humouring me, but I appreciated it nonetheless.

About half an hour later, they saw me off, thanking me for my work and telling me to enjoy the rest of my night off. It wasn’t really what I wanted, but there was nothing to do. So I set out to find a vacated seat somewhere high up in the arena where I wouldn’t bother anyone and pulled my phone back out. It seemed Noah had been providing me with a string of consciousness. I scrolled through his messages with a smile until I reached the end.

Noah Wish you were here with me

What followed was a picture of his face, half of it under the water of the bathtub he had apparently gotten into, wet hair proving he’d already dunked his head all the way before, big, brown eyes staring back at me. The soft, relaxed expression on his face made me want to throw my phone away and run to him.

Aubrey I’m surprised you’re fitting into the bathtub Did you even get your feet in? Noah Very spacious bathtub

Another photo, now facing away from him, most of his body hidden under a thin layer of bubbles, showed that he did, indeed, fit quite well.

Noah Definitely place for you here too Aubrey I feel like that heavily depends on what you aim to do with me in there

I knew what I expected. Flirts. Inappropriate comments that I would give back twice fold. Dirty thoughts, dirty words. Possibly a picture or two than promised more. But none of that appeared.

Noah Make you sit between my legs so I can embrace you A little massage for those hard working muscles Definitely enough space to wash your hair Hold you close until the water turns cold Wrap you up in one of those fluffy towels Fall asleep with you

It didn’t matter that I was sitting in a massive, 11,000-capacity arena. It didn’t matter that Shadow Moses was currently making the whole place shake. That I was surrounded by people focused on nothing but shouting out the lyrics so loud they would drown Oli out. All I knew was that I was staring at Noah’s words and I couldn’t breathe.

Was this the same man that suggested all of us only being in this for a bit of fun? Who didn’t want anyone to get too close to him? Who was so convinced of his own shortcomings that he wouldn’t even dare try? It didn't make sense.

I pulled up the last photo again, just for something to do, for something to look at, while I tried to make my mind up about what to do. About whether I should let myself fall and allow this… sweetness that didn’t have anything to do with hooking up in my life. Or if I should push back, call him out on it, stay strong, keep our resolution.

I found myself zooming in on the picture. A bottle of wine. Empty. Another one reflecting in the mirror, half full.

Aubrey Are you drunk? Noah Would you mind?

There was an anger rising up in me, a bitter taste that suddenly has a clear origin. So it wasn’t real. The clarification that sounded through his text hit me in the face with force. It wasn’t him changing his mind, it wasn’t him opening up and actually wanting more. It was simply him being wine-drunk, needy and alone. I didn’t care how soft his words were. Not when I was sure he wouldn’t have typed them quite the same sober.

Noah I miss you, angel Already Come over when the show is done

I stared at the words. My heart wanted to jump at the chance, tell him yes, yes I’ll come to you, take whatever he would give me, indulge in the brief idea of this being more, him being serious, him wanting me for real. But I couldn’t. I simply couldn’t. I’d fucked up before, back in Manchester, in a different way. I wouldn’t let us go down that path again. I couldn’t let him change his mind on a whim, again, and again, and allow myself to believe.

Aubrey I’ll see you tomorrow

•••

The tears started pooling in the corners of my eyes before I’d even properly shut the door to my room behind me. Everything I’d been trying to push away caught up with me all at once. Noah being unpredictable in his actions and his words. My roommate all but kicking me out. No job lined up once this tour ended.

I dragged myself under the shower, trying to wash away the bad feeling, thinking I could hide my tears if only I stayed under the stream of water for long enough, but my hair had been washed and conditioned, my body shaved and scrubbed and taken care of and I still couldn’t stop crying. It felt pathetic and weak. I should be able to handle this better. I’d always been able to handle myself.

But it was all too much, this time around. I’d never had to deal with the loss of a place to stay, no job prospects and the reality that I was catching feelings for people who didn’t reciprocate them all at the same time.

That was a lie. I wasn’t catching feelings. I was deep, deep into them already. There was no way to deny it anymore, not even to myself. The way my belly fluttered when I saw Noah or Oli wasn’t pure sexual attraction. Wanting to hold their hands, fall asleep next to them, sharing everything I could with them wasn’t platonic. Needing to get my hands on them, have their hands on me, feel them all over and inside wasn’t a friendship.

A sob wrecked from my mouth as I desperately tried to go through the motions. Drying my hair. Putting on a shirt to sleep in. Brushing my teeth. Yet I couldn’t stop. Every time I thought I had a chance of calming down, another wave of despair came over me and held me under.

A knock on the door made me jump, then freeze in the middle of my motions. Surely no one would come around this late? Maybe someone had the wrong room. I’d simply ignore it.

Another knock. I put my hand over my mouth to keep the sobbing at bay, trying not to let the person know I was even there. Angrily, I wiped a tear away that had slipped between my fingers and tickled my lips.

“Aubrey.” Oli’s voice was unmistakable. “Aubrey, I know you’re there. I can hear you crying.”

Fuck. There was no way I’d be able to get rid of Oli, no matter how much I hated the idea of letting him in and letting him see me like this. But my feet carried me even before I’d actively made the decision and when I saw him standing in front of me, all soft and worried, remnants of make-up lingering on his face, I all but fell into his arms. I only realised that there was something in his hand when he struggled to hug me back.

“Alright, on the bed you go, I’ve got you a hot chocolate and there’s a few pieces of chocolates in the pocket of my hoodie unless you’ve just crushed them.”

And just like that, I broke out into tears once again.

Oli ushered me on the bed, making sure I was tucked in nicely as I sat against the headboard before sliding under the blanket himself, his warmth immediately transferring to me. He handed me the mug, which felt like pure love between my fingers, and then scattered a few individually wrapped chocolates in front of us. When I leaned into him, his arm wrapped around my shoulders as if it had always meant to.

“Talk to me, love,” Oli whispered into your hair and it was all it took for my worries to pour out of me. Well, most of them. The mess in my head about Noah and him stayed hidden, tucked away in the fathers corners of my brain.

Oli held me close, letting me talk and talk and drop tears on his hoodie until I’m all cried out.

“How long have you known?”

“About the roommate situation? This afternoon. The job thing… well, it’s been an ongoing problem.”

He squeezed my body against his and for a moment it felt like he squeezed at least some of the pain away. I didn’t tell him that, but I buried my face a little deeper into his neck.

“Have you talked to your parents? Moving back home and asking for help is probably the last thing you want to do, but, you know…”

The question is enough to let tears well up again. So much for being cried out.

“I…” I swallowed, trying to force the lump in my throat to disappear. “I don’t speak to them anymore.”

Oli pushed me away a little bit, just enough to see my face, but still holding onto me.

“What happened?”

Somehow, the fact that he sounded genuinely shocked made it worse.

“It turns out, dating a girl was enough for my father to assume the devil had gotten into me. And my mother just follows whatever he says. So now the only contact I have with them is my father sending my mails about how to return to the good side of life and renounce the evilness that is being queer and me deleting them unseen.”

“Fuck, Aubrey, why didn’t you tell me?”

Why didn’t I tell him? I wasn’t so sure anymore, now. I knew we had drifted apart a little over the past year, keeping in contact but never actually seeing each other. I should have trusted him more.

Oli’s hand was gentle on my face as he moved my head toward him and pressed a short kiss to my lips. “Fuck them. We’re in this together, yeah? We’ll figure it out. Promise.”

And somehow, I believed him.

#Noah Sebastian fic #Noah Sebastian #Oli Sykes fic #Oli Sykes #Noah Sebastian x reader #Oli Sykes x reader #in love with the mess

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meditando-en-paris · 3 months

Text

𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒂𝒔 𝒃𝒆𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒊𝒇𝒖𝒍 𝒂𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒅𝒂𝒚 𝑰 𝒍𝒐𝒔𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 (HTTYD2)

Explanation on why the 💞"𝒀𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒂𝒔 𝒃𝒆𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒊𝒇𝒖𝒍 𝒂𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒅𝒂𝒚 𝑰 𝒍𝒐𝒔𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖"💞 scene is so important in How To Train Your Dragon 2 (HTTYD2) by Dreamworks.

Valka at the beginning of HTTYD2

Let's start by talking about Valka.

Throughout the film, it is explained how in the past she felt uncomfortable and strange in the human world, as its static norms clashed with her ideals, which is why she ends up abandoning her family.

So she achieves his dream of living in peace and harmony with the dragons, learning everything from them. However, she has paid the price of giving up her "human side" and with it her family.

That she chose to live among dragons rather than remain with her own reveals two things: Confidence and courage in pursuing her dream, but also her fear and lack of trust in others.

She does not feel supported and listened to by her people, but neither does Stoick. She feels caged, so when she gets the chance, she escapes.

The fact that Valka renounces her family is also a reflection of the problems within their marriage. Valka and Stoick had opposing beliefs towards dragons, which would obviously create fights and reinforce Valka's idea that this was not her place. Furthermore, this shows that Valka was extremely afraid of being rejected by Stoick for who she really was, and that this probably led her to show herself to him in a way that she was not in order to protect herself. Not to mention that, being seen as an outcast in Mema for opposing the war and that her love of dragons almost killed her family, she believed she was protecting her son.

Thus, at the beginning of HTTYD2 we find a strong and confident Valka within the world of dragons, but very distrustful and distanced from the world of humans. This is reinforced at the beginning when she walks crouching, imitating the dragons.

Later on, once she establishes a bond with Hiccup through the dragons (but note: through the dragons, not because he is her child. Although this changes later on), she begins to walk upright and behave in a more "human" way.

Meeting with Stoick

Valka's real growth comes when she and Stoick meet again.

It is amazing how Valka crumbles in a few seconds. She goes from a powerful woman who believes in herself to a frightened person, full of remorse and anguish.

After meeting Hiccup, she regrets abandoning them. She regrets choosing the easy way out, but as she says: "Well, what sign did I have that you could change, Stoick? That anyone in Mema could do it? Did anyone listen to me?".

Her body language shows that she is extremely afraid (she backs away until she hits the wall), showing once again the fear she has of being rejected by Stoic, the person she loves, and whom she has to finally confront.

It's funny how Valka is unable to understand his reaction. Anyone else would be filled with anger and frustration, but Stoic's response is ✨sublime✨. He says nothing until he is at her level, while she says everything on the verge of tears. Then he strokes her cheek and says, "You are as beautiful as the day I lost you."

FRIENDS, are you aware of what a LOVE DECLARATION this man makes? This man has told her: Everything is fine. I accept and understand your decisions, even though they were not the best. I forgive you and I love you💞.

I think Valka cries not only from the stress and emotion of the whole situation, but also that she finally sees that her husband accepts her for who she is and loves her that way.

💞💚💜✨THIS MOMENT IS PERFECT✨💜💚💞.

Little by little, Valka opens up to her human side, which she had repressed, while Stoick supports her in her development with small gestures (this is especially noticeable in their body language). In this way, Valka realises that she had made a mistake. Everyone can change, even her.

In conclusion, Valka from this moment onwards will begin to understand that her family does not make her more vulnerable, that her quirks are impossible to accept or unforgivable. That is why she wants to return to Mema happy to be reunited with her people and family and, therefore, happy to be reunited with her human side.

What do you think of this scene?

I hope you liked the analysis✨.

𝑺𝒆𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒏𝒆𝒙𝒕 𝒓𝒆𝒗𝒊𝒆𝒘!

#httyd #httyd 2 #how to train your dragon #valka haddock #valka #httyd valka #stoick the vast #httyd stoick #hiccup haddock #hiccup #httyd hiccup #dreamworks #film review #movie review #dreamworks animation #how to train your dragon 2 #httyd2

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animentality · 6 months

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Gortash is such a smiley lovestruck idiot at his own coronation when Durge shows up and I have to wonder. Is it because he’s just so happy to see them again after not realising what he had until it was gone that all bets are off and, pretence be damned, he’s not wasting a minute of this second chance pretending Durge doesn’t make him the happiest evil bastard alive? Or did he ever let himself be a smiley lovestruck idiot around Durge before losing them too? Like do you think there was ever a moment before Durge went missing where Gortash was holding their face close to his and trying to kiss them but he couldn’t because he just could not stop smiling like dumbass over how genuinely in love happy this freak of nature Bhaalspawn has him. Did Durge ever have to try and process this — to look back at this guy giving them the dopiest grin and have to try and understand that it’s for them? Because of them? They, the Dark Urge, scion of Bhaal, prince of murder, are the one making Enver Gortash smile like a fool? Making someone not miserable, but happy? Or, oh god, did Gortash ever reduce Durge to a smiley lovestruck idiot themself?? Both of them, having to pause in the middle of making out to just cling to each other and laugh (or god forbid, giggle) because they BOTH can’t stop smiling? These two crazy evil fucks both genuinely giving each other nerves and butterflies and joy? Like we know they made each other insane but how much of it showed on their faces? Just how embarrassing was this relationship?????

ANON, your message had me giggling and kicking up my feet.

I think Gortash is naturally affable and warm, but to the Dark Urge specifically, he is being HONESTLY affectionate. We know he swept Jannath off her feet and was disgusting with Franc Peartree, but he would've been absolutely vile with the Dark Urge.

I would like to imagine these two laughably evil bitches being gross and soft with one another, but I don't know. They were definitely rough fucking in the alley, but were they ever sweet?

Did they ever use pet names or giggle or be silly?

I sort of lean towards no...but I can imagine them quietly, in a dignified, solemn manner, hugging each other close.

Not daring to speak aloud that which is forbidden, but they know it, they keep it between themselves anyway.

Hmmmm...

But.

But you know...

The way he greets you isn't an act. He seems to not know if you do have your memories, so I think he just acts like that towards you normally. Which means maybe he and the Dark Urge WERE very touchy feely and nasty in public.

But there is a lot of potential in the idea that maybe he did know you probably had lost your memories.

And he was relieved, because he's getting his love back, but even better, they can start over.

He can be warmer with them than he ever was before. He can present this as the norm.

He's so happy to see you because it's been too long, because he didn't know what he had until he lost you, and he needs you to know how much you mattered to him, but he's also just, so exhilarated, by the idea of a fresh start.

Hence, calling you a sight for sore eyes.

Calling you his favorite assassin.

Calling you brilliant and a genius.

Saying you'll be good for each other.

Being like an inch off from seizing you into a hug or fucking you.

It's just- ARGH.

Your entire ask rattled in my brain and I had to stare at it for a bit. Sorry for the delay.

#dark urge #durgetash

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daswarschonkaputt · 2 years

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so a few select people know that i've been working on these bad boys for a few weeks now. this collection started because @mortimerlatrice had the audacity to try and tell me that fem!kinn wouldn't wear skirts and dresses and i pretty much broke my tablet pen in the rush to prove her wrong. also i felt like redesigning my fem!kinn and fem!porsche ideas. beneath the cut are my thoughts on these outfits plus the fashion collections they're inspired by/referencing.

fem!kinn businesswear looks

fem!kinn i feel like is the type of person who weaponises her gender expression. every part of how she presents herself is a carefully cultivated power play. she smokes cigars and drinks scotch and can talk at length about stocks and cryptocurrency, but she wears high heels even though she had to teach herself how to run in them, has long hair even though styling it is a nightmare, and is never seen without make-up, because every part of her must straddle a line of being masculine enough to be respected without being dismissed as butch, or a transgressor of gender norms. so: power suits and heels.

most of these are just riffs on the show's suits, so no real reference images, though hilarious @elnotwoods and i managed to parallel brain the exact same corset + suit look bc we are bloggers of TASTE.

fem!kinn occasionwear looks

the product launch -- upon rewatching clips from this episode i realised that the product launch apparently has a roaring 20s theme? which be wildin'. i spent so long looking at pictures of 20s style dresses until i found eliza jane howell who is a tiny british designer who has an entire collection of 20s inspired gowns. the inspo for kinn's dress was the miranda dress from her eveningwear collection.

the diamond auction -- i've drawn fem!kinn in this dress before, and i stand by it. this is a dress from ralph and russo's fall 2015 couture collection, specifically look 12. i first saw this dress months ago when i was looking for clothes for a project i was working on and it's lived in my brain rent free since.

date night i and date night ii -- both of these dresses i saw on pinterest somewhere and forget to save the link bc when i do art i usually have abt 50 billion tabs open. (i make firefox weep each time i open a new one.)

looks that almost made it in: michael cors rtw fall 2022 look 24; and schiaparelli couture spring 2022 look 24.

fem!kinn misc looks

okay so the theme for this one was actually "iconic kinn looks" and you know what? the towel was iconic. there i said it.

the sleepwear look -- *cries in detail work* yes all that lace is hand-drawn YES MY WRIST ACHED SO BAD AFTER FINISHING IT, this one is just conjured out of my head, no inspo look

the suspenders -- real ones know which kinn look this one is based off. just google kinn in suspenders or something i guess because we were ROBBED that it wasn't in the show. ROBBED.

the towel -- since drawing it multiple ppl have told me that they think fem!kinn would just wear the towel on her hips, tits out, no shame, and they are all so valid.

family portrait -- when i was drawing this, i got sent a look by siv that i initially discounted because it was a skirt suit and fem!kinn all about those power suits. and then i was looking for thai designers and i saw the same look and i was like, "okay but she'd only wear this in a family portrait," and then i was like hhrrrrnngngn family portrait outfits for all of them, so now it's a category. this is a recoloured version of poem bangkok's fall 2022 rtw collection look 19.

fem!porsche "pre-kinn" looks

okay so my thoughts on fem!porsche are as someone for whom gender is almost an afterthought, whose main friends are all guys, who drinks bear and kicks ass and cuts her own hair whenever it gets too annoying, who buys male toilettries because they're cheaper, who's made a career out of being rich girl's experimental whirl into lesbianism, and who can get them off real easy but isn't so good at getting herself off. she's hooked up with her fair share of guys, and considers herself more of a male-leaning bisexual. like, girls are fun and all, but she tends to have a better time when she hooks up with guys. (kinn's gonna blow that out of the water, hahaha.)

the fighter outfit -- originally this was going to be just a sports bra + jeans, but then i saw a pic of a cropped hoodie and my brain just sort of blanked out and when i was done the art was finished. porsche's abs are very important to me. as are her arms. and her thighs. she's an itty bitty titty committee member tho and i stand by that.

the bartender outfit -- i've drawn this one before, but yes! all the buttons undone! cheapest black shirt and slacks! converse!!! YESS

the casual outfit -- bike shorts, big t, big shirt? yes. fem!porsche sits somewhere between jock and gonna-fix-your-appliances on a fashion basis and i am here for it.

fem-porsche "kinn era" looks

one of the big ideas i had going into this project was the idea that porsche feels divorced from her femininity in a way that she's not altogether satisfied with and that kinn helps her reconnect with it. because, like, let's be real: porsche has no major feminine influences in her life growing up, and she's literally always got bigger concerns. she defo plays up the idea that she's above it all, whilst also completely lost as to how to get to there. kinn is probably both an object of envy and attraction for her.

(also i have in my head that the sauna conversation goes something like: porsche: do you have a boyfriend, then? kinn: i've never once found a man that truly wants a powerful woman. porsche: huh, that's weird. i've had no trouble finding guys who want me to hold the up against a wall.)

anyway it's important to me that kinn makes porsche feel dainty and feminine.

the bodyguard look -- hrrrrngngng waist. that is all.

clubbing with tankhun -- you know how i said somewhere between jock and owns a monkey wrench? meet porsche out clubbing. love it for her.

first public date with kinn -- so the background i had imagined for this outfit was that porsche and kinn are going public, and kinn sends her a box with a dress to wear plus heels, only porsche can literally not stand for more than two seconds in the heels and hates them, so she wears her converse instead. this is almost a direct copy of look 12 from monse's spring 2021 rtw collection.

black tie date with kinn -- obvs this is a dress that kinn picked out for her, so i thought long and hard about what kinn would choose. in the end, i figured kinn would probably want her to look regal. i looked at so many dresses for this one, esp bc there was a secret requirement where i wanted the skirt to be loose enough that kinn could eat her out in it. look, i just think it would be gender if kinn dressed porsche up in this dress and porsche felt all pretty and feminine and then kinn ate her out in the bathroom at the event or something. you know. girl things. this dress is look 6 from valdrin sahiti's spring 2022 bridal collection and i had to download a pdf to get a reference picture, so appreciate my work. also shoutout literally the only time porsche is wearing heels. kinn had to give her like three hours of walking lessons.

fem!porsche minor family head looks

michael kors collection saved my bacon here. i really struggled to figure out what fem!porsche's overall aesthetic would be for her minor family head position. i wanted something distinct from kinn, but didn't think she'd go full androgyny. in the end i settled on a well-tailored suits with a military flare in their cut.

first business look -- this one is based on look 19 from michael kors collection's fall 2022 rtw collection. dem arms.

second business look -- same song, different verse. same collection, but look 7. the thigh-high boots were added by me, though. i wasn't drawing lesbian kinnporsche without putting one of them in thigh-high boots.

visiting mum -- a couple of things. this one is based on this photo i found on pinterest, because i just really liked the neckline. details you might miss: this is arguably porsche's most femme outfit here, but she doesn't have the perfectly styled hair that she has when she's on mafia business, and she's still wearing her ratty beat-up converse. she's feminine, but trying to be authentic. it's a specific kind of messaging she's trying to get across to her mum. she probably agonised for hours over what to wear. kinn definitely really likes her in it.

family portrait -- again, plucked from my own imagination. the original inspiration for this look was look 9 from altuzarra pre-fall 2020 but if you click that link you'll probably be able to tell i went completely off-script. the more i drew it, basically, the more the altuzarra look looked too japanese, which is understandable, because that collection's whole thing was about blending modern and traditional japanese fashion. in the end, i pivoted, and brought it more in line with kinn's look, because i really did want them to have similar vibes. (couples outfits? couples outfits!!)

near misses -- these ones almost ended up involved: altuzarra pre-fall 2020 look 6 for the family portrait; michael kors fall 2020 look 60 also for the family portrait; michael kors fall 2020 look 30 for minor family mafia business; look 17 from alexander mcqueen's 2011 pre-fall collection also for mafia business; this look from pinterest for mafia business that got discounted bc i was going in a different direction; and this dress from rouba.g's spring 2019 rtw collection for the black tie dress which literally only avoided inclusion here because i couldn't make the sheer fabric look right.

anyway the takeaway here is don't get into an argument with me because i will bring receipts. mort learned their lesson, don't worry.

also @yeetlegay i gave you adequate warning. you knew it was coming.

#kaputt suffers in art #kinnporsche #kinnporsche art #fem!kinnporsche art #look i was good i drew only men for like literal months #so i think i deserve some pretty women for my hard work #also this set almost got derailed bc i started drawing fem!zhou zishu from woh #and zzs's face is so fucking hard wtf #oh and before people ask #yes i do have a plan to do fem!kim and fem!chay and also fem!vegas and fem!pete #select people have been let in on some thumbnails #but in the case of kimchay i have very few ideas #feel free to send me ur fem!kimchay fashion hcs #currently all i have for chay is just ''dungarees?????'' written in a discord chat somewhere #i don't tend to post my art but i figured you guys deserved this one #it's all just flat colour bc shading would take too long #anyway i'm going to bed now

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gabessquishytum · 9 months

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I saw this and immediately thought: Dream "on the ace spectrum but assumes this is the norm for evryone except for Desire, who is an outlier" of the Endless ft. Hob "600 years of life did not prepare me for breaking down asexuality to an Endless" Gadling

https://www.tumblr.com/fuckyeahasexual/729996013402734592?source=share

- 🍃 (that post was a personal attack to teenage and in denial me from 2014-2018 and I'm projecting)

Alskdjfjggk this is very fun and also I feel like we need more ace spectrum Dream stuff!!!

Hob is talking about his sexuality and how he basically identifies as bi but it's a little weird since he's been around since these labels were really discussed. He tells Dream that he used to think about boys when he was young just as much as he thought about girls, and he thought everyone was like that.

"I used to go off and have a wank, thinking about what it'd be like to have both at the same time. To be in between them, y'know? A girl on one side and a boy on the other."

And Dream does his little head tilt thing.

"I too have no preference for gender, but I have never... imagined myself. In between. I had not realised that that was integral to the process."

And Hob explains that it's not integral.

"Some people get aroused by sex, or experience some sexual attraction. They might like porn. They just don't particularly want to imagine themselves being involved in the fantasy of sex. Or want to take part in sex in real life either."

Dream thinks about a lot of things (like people who have sex dreams that involve themselves, and how that never really made sense to him).

And he smiles a little bit.

"I hope you would not be opposed if I were to think of you in that way? And to take sexual gratification for the idea of your pleasure? I think I would like to... experiment. With these ideas."

And Hob doesn't know whether to fall off the couch or offer Dream a detailed photo album of his nudes (yes he has one of those) or congratulate him on finding a part of his identity.

So he does all three.

#🍃 anon #the sandman #dreamling #nsft

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materassassino · 3 months

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🐅💛🕊🗡✨️ for both luke and din

Oh, you spoil me!

Luke // Din

Characterisation: when he's tired or stressed his accent slips. Get him tired enough and he'll sound fresh off Tatooine and come out with something so hick, so desert rat, you'll do a double take.

Can hold his liquour like nobody's business. Don't believe the propaganda that this boy only drinks milk, he comes from Bumfuck Nowhere where the only things for teens to do are shoot womp rats, race speeder bikes and drink, and the Rebellion made it worse because you know those X-Wing pilots party hard.

Can cook, but as a means to survive. He can handle two recipes really well but the rest is just stews and soups because it's hard to get those wrong and they last for ages. However, he's pretty adept at following a recipe and when he does it comes out decent.

Is terrified of the day he'll be asked to choose between his family and the galaxy again, but refuses to even consider the possibility.

Has officially dropped the aloof Jedi facade almost entirely unless it's necessary for something mission-related. It was, he realised, an externalisation of his trauma, and thus he recognises its disappearance as him healing.

Doesn't have any hobbies at all. There was little encouragement of them in the covert, and now he's in his late thirties with a surprising amount of downtime and doesn't actually know how to fill it. Luke encourages him to try new things so he's seeing what sticks at the moment. He's found he actually enjoys overseeing the work to rebuild Mandalore, and he enjoys reading more than he thought he would.

Better cook than Luke, by a long shot. Handles the meals.

Has no actual idea what he looks like in the sense that he doesn't entirely comprehend what he looks like to others. Is he handsome? Is he ugly? Is he average? He genuinely has no idea what others make of him because he's only been seen by like four living adult people and one of them he's literally married to.

Familial relationships: Obviously very close to Leia. They were best friends before, but now there's just added depth, a rock-steady certainty that they will always, always have each other's back. Obi-Wan told him Leia was younger and he's vowed to never, ever tell her.

Tries very hard to both treat Grogu as impartially as possible as his master, but ultimately fails because Grogu is his son. Definitely less of a soft touch than Din, however. He will tell Grogu off if needed.

The closest thing he has to family outside Grogu and Luke is the covert, and that is now a fraught relationship, but the societal norms of the Children of the Watch don't lend themselves to building the deepest relationships. Considers the Armourer as close as realistically possible to a mother figure, consider Paz a brother, in a way, but there's no great depth there, and eventually he realises he feels more of a familial feeling towards Bo-Katan than Paz or the Armourer anymore. He's adrift, in that sense, and it's actually a relief that Luke's side accepts him so openly and generally easily. It's much easier to view Leia as a sister than it ever was to view Paz as a brother.

Platonic relationships: Is friends with all his exes: Han, Lando, Wedge... As for enemies, he does try not to hold grudges, but man he just fucking hates Boba Fett. Poor Din, caught in the middle! Also supremely good at making friends with whoever he meets.

Din's platonic relationships have all been developed extremely recently: Boba, Peli, Fennec, Cobb, Bo-Katan... he's still trying to navigate the concept of having friends. It's weird?

I have no fighting style headcanons for either of them. Just watch canon content? Luke is a powerhouse, Din is supremely competent and prone to head trauma.

Worldbuilding: the rebuilt Jedi Temple is on Mandalore, designed by Luke and built by the New Jedi Order. Eventually they discover a wellspring of the Living Waters on the surface, and they build a garden around it. Neither will live to see Mandalore become green again, but Grogu does.

headcanon ask game

#star wars #dinluke #luke skywalker #din djarin #the mandalorian #pixie answers #headcanons #character headcanon asks

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antebunny · 4 months

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So there's a subgenre of fics in the Harry Potter fandom wherein a person conceived while one of their parents is under the influence of a love potion will become aroace at birth. The origin, afaik, are two insidiously awful decisions of JKR combining: 1) she reinvented date rape drugs/roofies aka love potions, without realizing it I guess, and 2) she said that Voldemort was asexual, because she's never seen a marginalized identity she didn't spit on.

Since Merope Gaunt (Voldemort's mother) used a love potion on Tom Riddle Sr. (Voldemort's dad) I guess people got the idea that what if love potions caused asexuality? And asexuality + aromanticism, of course, meant evil. Here's an excerpt from one of those fics in which Bill Weasley explains being aro/ace to Hermione:

[Image ID]

"No. I just dated because that was what you did. I never really felt anything for them. A few kisses, plenty of hand-holding. I made out in a few broom closets, and had one very uncomfortable make-out session up the top of the Astronomy Tower that I eventually ended by pretending I heard Filch coming past on a patrol. I even tried making out with a guy once in case that was it–nothing. I never told mum about that, of course. Good wizards don't shame their families like that."

"There's nothing wrong with being gay, you know."

He shrugged. "It doesn't apply to me anyway. I'm not gay. I wasn't anything, and I was trying to accept that and be content with it. It was good enough. Until I met Fleur." His eyes lit up with joy as he spoke about her.

[Second Image ID]

"Look, the point is with her allure from being part-Veela, I love her. Like I can never love anyone else. I don't want to lose that. You don't understand what it's like to go through life feeling nothing for anyone else. I've dated people I said I cared for, but I wouldn't have died for them. Well, out of logical choice I might risk my life, but not from love. But I would die for Fleur. Do you understand? She makes me a better person. I would do anything to make her happy. I'm not alone in the world anymore."

She nodded slowly. "I see." It wasn't so much him manipulating Fleur, as him permitting her to manipulate him. Into feeling. "I didn't realise it could be that bad." She still thought he should confess, but it didn't sound like he was hurting Fleur–he really did love her.

[End Image ID]

I read this fic years ago, and at the time I genuinely had not thought about my sexuality at all. I would've never called myself aro or ace. Still, reading this felt like being repeatedly punched in the face. I kept on waiting for Hermione to say something similar to what she said after Bill made a homophobic comment. After all, she went out of her way the first time, didn't she. Instead, what I got was essentially:

Bill: I don't usually feel romantic or sexual attraction. So there's something wrong with me.

Hermione: Yeah lmao. But there's nothing wrong with being gay!

I've been (reading) on Ao3 since 2016, and in all that time I've seen plenty of subtle racism, sexism, etc. But I've never seen anything as plainly stated as this. To this day I have yet to hear any aro/ace people describe the experience of being aro/ace in any of the following ways: "How could I forgive myself if we brought a child into the world to suffer the emptiness I lived with my whole existence[?]" /"You should be unable to love." / "You don't understand what it's like to go through life feeling nothing for anyone else."

I could not understand why Bill described it as "emptiness" or "feeling nothing." I still cannot find a single aro/ace person who would describe themselves as empty. The most I have ever heard is: "I wish I was normal" (meaning I wish I fit in, I wish to be accepted by other people). Historically, many aro/ace people married and had kids, conforming to societal norms, and I am sure many believed there was something wrong with them or hoped to grow out of it. I was one of them. On a very personal note, I suspect that my father is too. I am certain that he's never heard the terms asexual or aromantic in his life. But if you think I'll ever discuss his sexuality with him, you're out of your damn mind.

Now, I know it's really easy to find this fic from these quotes. I chose to include them anyways because I think it's important to show how blatant it was. My Tumblr blog isn't exactly a platform, but for the five people reading this: please, please do not go after the author. I truly believe that they had no ill-intent. In the comments of this fic, a few people bring up variations of "it sounds like Bill is just aro/ace" and the author is consistently understanding. Here are some of the author's comment on that fic:

[Image ID]

I very much understand what you're saying. It's a tricky thing for me to address, however. For the core idea I'm playing with is basically the evilness of "love potions". And part of that is exploring JKR's idea that Voldemort, being unable to love due to his mother using a love potion on his father, was a *monster* because of that. Perhaps that doesn't come across very clearly (there's a little bit more of it in the prequel), that it's one of the assumptions I'm trying to undermine. ("Love potions are funny/romantic", "Voldemort is a monster because he could not love", "Harry's power was that he could love - he's not a monster like Voldemort", "There's nothing wrong with selling love potions to teens/adults because it's not 'real' love".)

I feel like I'm already poking at the inherent problem of framing "people who cannot love" as "monsters/psychopaths" by showing Bill and Harry's struggles with self acceptance, and Bill finding a way to love (though do note he'd been making peace with the idea he wasn't attracted to anyone, prior to meeting Fleur). I really don't like the canonical take on love-redeems/love-is-the-best-power/the-loveless-are-monsters, so I'm messing with it a bit. Exploring other people than Voldemort, ones we admire, who are also dealing with being unable to love. Does that make sense? Now, that doesn't mean I'm doing a perfect job at it, but I'm trying my best to explore that theme around the edges of my Dramione story.

[End Image ID]

The author's intention was to show how other characters, made aro/ace via love potion like Voldemort, were not evil or sociopaths. I don't know why all the characters were so aro/acephobic, but sometimes fics get away from you and you don't address everything you wanted to. I don't know why the aro/ace characters had so much internalized shame and hatred when the term bachelor has been in use for centuries, but we fanfic authors love writing self-esteem issues and I would be a hypocrite to say otherwise. I don't know why the author never tagged acephobia or internalized acephobia, but no one HAS to tag anything.

I don't know if the author ended up writing that fic where Harry comes to accept his aro/asexuality. It's totally understable if they didn't; I have failed to write many fics that I really did want to write. Sometimes it's just like that. I really, truly believe that the author had the best of intentions and is not aro/acephobic, just severely misled on what that experience is like.

My beef is not with this author. I used their words to highlight a reoccurring and popular sentiment that I hate. My real beef is that this fic is popular. This is an entire subgenre of Harry Potter fics. I actually decided to write this post because some random person on the internet said, a few days ago, something along the lines of: "Remember when JKR invented a date rape drug that turned people into sociopaths? Yeah…" (And also because I was up until 3 am last night writing a dumb trash angst one-shot about it).

I'd wager that the vast, vast majority of people who write or read those fics don't feel the same way. But the condescension is baked into the very premise of that trope. "Oh poor you, it must be so hard, so lonely going through life without ever loving another person. You must feel so empty inside."

It's actually people who say similar things that make me feel isolated. Most of the time I feel free, like I've cracked this secret code, like I'm able to see things clearly that people so hung up over sex and romance can't. Other times I feel so left out I wish I was "normal." Mostly, being aro/ace is lonely, annoying, exhausting, and liberating.

It wasn't until last year that a friend told me that some people actually do have trouble speaking to someone they've never met before, just because they find that someone attractive. I thought that only happened in stories. But I don't want to get nervous meeting new people based on their looks, I don't want to treat people differently based on how much I want to have sex with them. I wish my friends in high school had never pressured me to come out as bisexual. I wish all the other similarly liberal, queer communities I've found since didn't insist on associating sex and dating with emotional comfort. I wish I could magically stop my parents from expecting me to ever get married and have kids.

But I can't.

Anyways, that's it for today. I'm not sure what the point of writing this was. I really don't want anyone to get hurt or attacked because of it. This is not a callout, or a hate brigade, or any sort of call-to-action. I don't want people to get up-in-arms about this. I'm just tired. I suppose I just wanted to put my feelings out there, and well, this is my Tumblr.

#asexuality #aromantism #aroace #acearo #aphobia #acephobia #asexual #aromantic #harry potter #harry potter fandom #harry potter fanfiction

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staytinyzen01 · 5 months

Text

Outfit Meltdowns.

Stray Kids 9/10th member au

Jiah X Chan and Lee Know

A/N: I am autistic. I wrote this piece and any future pieces with my own personal experiences. This piece is in no way made to make fun of people who have autism.

warning: autistic meltdown

Jiah was nervous. They were at an award show to perform My Pace, and the stylists were showing her the outfit she was going to wear. She wasn't going to lie, but the idea of wearing a skirt to perform scared her. Admittedly, she had said she wanted to try something new, but Jiah meant slightly more in tune with the others' outfits, not doing a 180 on the style and especially a skirt that would limit her dancing room. She put the outfit on anyway

She sighed and got out of the changing room to speak to a stylist. She could feel herself getting worked up at the skirt and the feeling of the scratchy fabric against her skin. to speak to a stylist. She could feel herself getting worked up at the skirt and the feeling of the scratchy fabric against her skin. "I'm sorry to disturb you. However, this skirt is too tight. The fabric is itchy and just looking at my skin, it is red. It isn't going to last a minute of full choreography. Is there a way to get it changed to something else?"

The stylists shook their heads. "At the meeting when we talked about your outfits and the possibility of trying something new, the company bought the skirts and that is the only clothing available for you.

"Jiah just sighed and nodded. Thanking them anyway before turning back to the dressing room with the other guys. She braced herself as she knew they would comment on it due to skirts being out of character for her. She just focused on keeping calm, attempting to stop herself from ripping it off her body.

Minho was the first to see her, he was on the same side as her and the others were in the room next door. He saw her frowning slightly before noticing that she had her legs showing which was out of the norm for her. He eyed her a bit more before heading to her.

“Are you okay? You don’t look happy.”

Jiah just shook her head, her hands wiping her skirt repeatedly as they felt clammy. She began to start pacing and biting her lip trying to focus on anything but the skirt she had been put in. Minho grew increasingly more concerned at the youngest member and moved so he gripped Jiah’s arm to try and bring her comfort but she flinched away and began to hyperventilate a little. She was trying to keep her cool and bit down on her lip harder. She didn’t realise that she had made it bleed.

“Melody, can you hear me?” Minho questioned, he was quickly growing more panicked. All Jiah could hear was white noise as she continued to pace, she stopped wiping her hands and had started flapping them at her side instead. Occasionally she tapped each of her fingers individually before returning to flapping them. Minho shouted for one of the boys to help and it was Chan that came through. He was about to question what the matter was but he saw Jiah pacing and Minho stood to the side and immediately asked what was going on. He grabbed his phone ready to google ways to help with whatever was going on.

“I don’t know what is really going on, she came out of the dressing room, spoke to a stylist and has been like this ever since. She has bit her lip so hard it started bleeding and has been flapping and pacing. She started hyperventilating a couple of minutes ago. I tried to get her attention but it’s like she couldn’t hear me. I touched her arm and she flinched like I had burnt her and continued what she was doing. I really don’t know what is going on or how to help her.”

Chan nodded and typed up what was going on. “The internet says it is stimming? Or possibly a melt down but both go with autism. It says to reduce any sensory stimuli. Turn off the lights and shut the door. Grab your headphones and put them in her ears and then scoop her up in a blanket. We don’t have a weighted one so just hug her tight. I will speak to the manager about this as we need to know officially what is going on.”

Minho nods and whips into action, doing what Chan said. He found a plain blanket and rushed to turn off the lights and shut the door as quietly as possible. The sudden lack of bright lights caused Jiah to stop for a second. That allowed for Minho to put his headphones on Jiah’s head. He came up behind her and stretched the blanket out and wrapped it around her body, pulling her close and hugging her tight. He stood there for a few minutes and just cooed quietly to try and get her to calm down.

Her rigid body slowly relaxed and they lowered to the floor where he pulled her into his lap and held her like a baby. He saw her lip still trapped in between her teeth and gently pried it out, wiping the blood with his sleeve. Jiah blinked and slowly the room came back into focus. She looked up at Minho, who was cradling her to his chest and looking at Chan who was googling on his phone. She tugged on his shirt gently and Minho looked down to her, he smiled slightly at her.

“Hey baby, you back with us?” She just nods and pulls the blanket tighter around her body. She sniffles slightly but is a lot calmer than before. Chan moves closer and crouches in front of Minho and Jiah, stroking her hair slightly.

“Hey sweetheart. How are you feeling? When you are ready we can talk, yeah? We have quite a bit of time before we need to be on stage so we can just relax.” She nods and gives him a grateful smile. She waited a few more minutes before adjusting herself in Minho’s lap so her back was against his chest.

“I’m sorry for worrying you. I don’t even know what fully happened. I spoke to the stylist about the skirt I am wearing. The fabric is itchy and hurting me and that’s all I could focus on. I don’t remember anything up until a couple of minutes ago where Minho oppa and I were on the floor.”

Chan shook his head as Minho stroked her hair. “It’s okay. We just need to know, has that happened before? Has anyone spoken to you about autism? Just so we know what is going on and how we can go about helping in the future.”

Jiah shook her head. “No, I don’t think that has happened before. If it has, you would have to ask my parents. And autism? No but once again my parents would be the only people who could tell you but the likelihood they will tell you anything, doesn’t exist as they disowned me. Minho Oppa’s family took me in and are waiting for all my information to come through.”

Chan just nods. “Well we can get you out of the skirt and into trousers as I know I.N had trousers spare as his stylist couldn’t decide and we will get the JYP lawyers to chase up that information. If you don’t have a diagnosis, would you like to go through with getting one. That way the company and managers can help as well to make sure we prevent this from happening again.”

Jiah nods and Chan smiles. Minho placed a kiss on the side of her head before moving to get up.

“Take the skirt off and wrap the blanket around you. We can grab the trousers and then the makeup artists can help your lip. Everything is going to be okay.” Minho stated as he and Chan turned and left the room.

Jiah did as she was told and was soon more comfortable and headed to the boys room. She was tired and headed to where I.N was laying on a cooling mat on the floor. She laid next to him and slowly dozed off. Chan was speaking to the manager and Minho was eyeing Jiah to make sure she was okay, messaging his parents to let them know what was happening.Soon the time to perform came and it went perfectly and they soon headed back to the dorms to rest.

#kpop addition #kpop au #stray kids #stray kids imagines #skz au #stray kids 9th member #stray kids 10th member #stray kids au

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thenightfolknetwork · 6 months

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I've had problems with eczema for most of my life. Or at least, I thought it was eczema. What else would those patches of dry, hard, cracked skin be? It's never bothered me too much. I've always just slapped some cream on it and got on with my life (not those creams ever seemed to make much difference).

But a few weeks ago, a friend of mine (who is a creature themself) said that it looked less like eczema, and more like, well, scales. And now that I've actually thought about it, those strange patches don't really match the usual pictures of skin with eczema. They're too smooth, with an almost silver pigment in the right light.

So I've been researching, and wondering, and thinking about how I was always able to stay under the water so much longer than the other kids at swimming lessons, and contemplating the days I have when the air feels too thin, and wondering about the wrinkles on my neck.

The thing is... I've always thought I was sapio. I've tried to be a good ally to the creature community. I've tried to educate myself and support campaigns for creature rights. I've listened to the Nightfolk Network for years. I've got loads of friends who are creatures and I thought I was fully accepting. I've always said that the diversity of genuses in the world is a wonderful thing. But now that I'm wondering whether I might be a member of the creature community, I'm not sure that I'm as accepting as I've always thought. I've always talked about how members of the creature community are valid, but I'm only now realising that I saw them as definitely Other, definitely Not Me, perhaps even... not normal.

Questioning whether I'm fully sapio feels like a really drastic identity crisis. It feels uncomfortable. And surely if I really believed everything I used to say about decentering sapio narratives, I wouldn't feel this unsettled by the idea that I might be a member of the creature community. And how can I ask the creature community to accept me, if I don't really accept them as much as I want to?

I don't know what my question is really. I guess I'm just looking for a way to come to terms with this possible new information about myself. More importantly, I want to actually unlearn the idea that sapio is the norm, rather than just pretending to. Any advice?

I must say, you're being dreadfully hard on yourself, reader. You have put a tremendous amount of work into unlearning the sapio-centric narratives you've been immersed in since childhood, and it sounds as if you've made good progress to that end. But of course there is a difference between being accepting of diversity as an external question, and accepting a sudden, unexpected and unlooked-for change to your own identity.

You say you want to unlearn the idea that sapio is the norm. But I'm not sure I see any evidence here that you haven't already done that. The issue is that sapio has been your norm. That's not a matter of perspective or politics – it is simply true.

You didn't choose to be sapio, you don't think it is preferable to be a sapio than to be a person of the night. You simply believed yourself to be sapio. That's not prejudice, reader, any more than it is prejudiced to happen to have brown hair and so not consider yourself to be blonde.

I worry that your concerns on this front might be getting in the way of dealing with the emotional impact of this discovery. You are more than a mouthpiece for all the correct political opinions. You are more than a collection of opinions, each vetted and approved according to some external standard of moral purity.

You are a living, feeling, emotional person who has made a profoundly disruptive discovery about yourself, one which challenges every assumption you've held about your own identity and your place in the world. Take a moment. Breathe. Let yourself feel whatever it is you're feeling, whether or not you consider those feelings palatable. Let yourself be angry, or confused, or frightened, or any of the other very reasonable emotions this situation might have stirred up.

Your feelings don't make you a bad person. They don’t undermine the hard work you've done being a friend and ally to the creature community. And they aren't going to go away just because you argue with them.

In terms of helping you move forwards, you already have a strong network of liminal friends to lean on. Talk to them, get stuck in with the community, and learn by their example how to love your liminal self.

#answered #the nightfolk network #monstrous agonies

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naavispider · 1 year

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Hi what do you think about au with transgender spider? I don't know why but he gives me transgender vibes. It seems to me that from such a version Spider would reveal himself very young. What do you think the reaction of the Sullys, the scientists, the clan in general, and Quaritch and his squad in particular, would be when they first met and on their missions?

I love this idea! Spider is so strong and brave and true to himself already that I completely agree with you that he would come out very early on. He doesn't give a shit that he's the only one amongst the humans who is half naked and wearing blue stripes, so why would he care that he has the wrong the body parts to be a boy? He knows he can be whatever he wants, although it's of course deeper than that. He is Na'vi, so he shows it. He is a boy, so he's confident expressing that too.

As this is set so far in the future I would love to believe that the humans who stayed at Hell's Gate and helped raise him wouldn't bat an eyelid. And if anyone was surprised or unsure of Spider's decision, it wasn't exactly something that would get Spider down or convince him to stop. By the time he's 9 he's spending most of his time in the forest anyway. The science guys barely see him and let's be honest, they probably forget he exists most of the time (apart from Norm, Max and maybe one or two others).

The Na'vi definitely don't give a shit, you know most of them don't want their kids to play with Spider on the count that he's human, let alone that he is a different gender to what his body parts suggest. It's the least of any of their worries. Neytiri doesn't really get it, but also doesn't care anyway, and Lo'ak, Kiri and Tuk are all delighted because they've called Spider a boy ever since they've known him. In their eyes, Spider has gotten all nervous to tell them something they already knew.

"What do you mean? We already call you him and his!"

Kiri is the only one who looks at him differently - but it's in a positive way. She sees the bravery Spider shows everyday, expressing his true self more than anybody else she knew, staying true to his spirit. If that didn't make him one of Eywa's children, she didn't know what would.

Neteyam is slightly slower to keep remembering pronouns etc because (being the oldest) he knew Spider before he fully came out. However, if an odd pronoun does slip out, it is quickly corrected and apologised over (Spider teases him about it) and within a few weeks that's that. It's just natural. Jake has a similar reaction to Neteyam, having known Spider for several years before he transitioned, and he had a hard time explaining it once to Neytiri. After the kids had finally all settled down to sleep, she asked Jake what Spider was doing, changing the way he wanted people to talk to him. Jake had his work cut out trying to explain that it was much more than just that, that Spider really was a boy inside, he had just been lumped with the wrong body parts to prove it. Neytiri (being completely oblivious) asked if it was a sickness that made his body be born wrong. She tried to imagine having the same problem as Spider, and realised the kid had it tough. Still, he was human, and the demon Quaritch's son at that - he would only bring them ill-fortune eventually.

Now, when Quaritch finds Spider in the forest with Lo'ak, Kiri and Tuk, things go differently. Quaritch asks him his name and the boy gives it. Quaritch frowned, the name 'Socorro' bringing hope to his chest, but he couldn't piece the jigsaw together. He remembered holding his daughter in his arms, cradling her as she slept, watching her as Paz recovered from the birth. His child wasn't called Spider. His child was a girl. She was named after his mother. He knew for a fact that Paz hadn't had any other kids.

"[dead female name of your choice]?"

"Nobody calls me that."

"I figured they sent you back to Earth..."

"You can't put babies in cryo, dipshit."

Well, shit. It really was... her. His frown deepened. He signalled to Prager to take hold of Spider again. "Take her over there..."

Spider hissed. "It's him, dickwad!"

Quaritch turned as the kid was wrestled away to wait for extraction. He needed to call this in, but as he did so he watched the struggling child, spitting curses in Na'vi and conversing with Sully's kids.

He'd been gone 16 years. He knew the world had changed and moved on since the real Miles Quaritch died, but he didn't realise just how much of his past life he had lost, and just how much he was about to gain back.

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i-cant-sing · 2 years

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I’m sorry I’m very bad at requests, but could we get something with Katsuki and Todoroki reader reuniting after a long time please

Love your writing!!!💞💞💞💞💞

Petals: Yandere Bakugou x Todoroki reader

"You're here." You smiled, wiping the blood from your lips. Turning around, you saw Katsuki standing in your room. He was wearing a black 3 piece suit, a sharp contrast from his hero costume 8 years back.

But he still looked as pissed as the last time you saw him.

"What? You're still mad?" You turned back to the sink, gargling and spitting out the water to clean your mouth. "Still pissed that I beat you in the sports festival-"

"Why?"

You sighed. He's not gonna let this go, is he?

"Y/n." Katsuki walked over to you, turning you around as he held you by your shoulders. "Why didn't you tell me?"

You rolled your eyes, before pushing past him and sitting on your bed. You began pulling off your heels. "There was nothing to say, Katsuki. You were focused on your career and you didn't have time for something like this, It would've been unfair to you-"

"Don't give me that fucking "unfair to you" bullshit, Y/n." Katsuki fired back, walking over to you. "You could've fucking told me you loved me before you-"

"You didn't feel the same way, Katsuki! I didn't wanna burden you, especially since you made it clear that you didn't have time for relationships." You pinched the bridge of your nose. "Just let this go-"

"No."

"No?"

"No. Not until you tell me why you fucking left without telling me or your family or that you were sick." Katsuki demanded.

"I don't owe you an explanation. And I'm not sick-" You cut yourself off with a coughing fit and Katsuki immediately rushed over to you, giving you his handkerchief and rubbing your back. When you stopped hacking up a lung, Katsuki poured you a glass of water.

As you were drinking, Katsuki pulled up his handkerchief from your hands. "So... if you're not sick, why is this all bloody and full of petals?"

You shrugged. "I ate a flower-"

"Y/n." Katsuki exasperated.

"Its... Hanahaki disease. Its rare, its stupid. I was diagnosed with it back when we were in highschool." You twiddled with your thumbs. "You were just a kid, Katsuki. You had too many dreams, too many goals to achieve. I didn't wanna be the one to stand in the way of all of that."

Katsuki got on his knees in front of you, and cupped your cheek. "You should've told me. You don't know- maybe I would've realised how I felt then-"

"Maybe. Maybe you would've even dated me out of guilt, maybe you would've even fallen for me." You kissed his palm. "But I couldn't spend the rest of my life wondering if you regret your decision deep down."

"I wouldn't have let you-"

"I know." You smiled. "But true love requires the greatest sacrifices."

Katsuki furrowed his brows and glared at you. "You're so fucking stupid-"

"I know. A fool in love." You giggled.

Katsuki could feel his heart squeeze. You really are in love with him.

"I get why'd you leave without telling me, but why didn't you tell your family?" He asked. "Icy Hot is still sad and miserable without you after all these years."

You chuckled. "Well, after they found out I had Hanahaki disease, they were pissed. Because 1. who was the unfortunate bastard who stole my heart? 2. why did this bitch not return my love?"

"Hey-!"

"Shh. Lips moving, still talking." You interrupted him. "Katsuki, you know my family... they've always been a little different."

Ahh. Yes, Katsuki does remember you telling the Todoroki clan's crazy, obsessive, straight up crazy behaviours. Like he's had to tell you several times in the past that "No, Y/n. It isn't the fucking norm for your mother to sleep with you when you're a teen. Or for her to dress you up. Or for her to cut your hair when she feels like-"

"I refused to tell them your name." You brushed his hair with your fingers. "They would've hunted you down, Katsuki. So, when they realised I wasnt getting any better the longer I stayed away from my true crush, I proposed the idea that if they let me go and live my life with my s/o, I'll live happily. And Enji, my dad, he'd much rather have me alive and far, than dead in his arms." You continued on telling him how you made sure to hide your tracks well all these years and how you send letters to them every month, informing them of your health and stuff, and explained how you have arranged someone to continue sending your letters to them long after you're dead.

Katsuki could feel the tears drip down his cheeks. He closed his eyes when he felt you hold his face in your soft hands. He nearly crumbled right then. He knew you didn't have much time left. Your disease, it had taken a toll on you. The doctors had told him that even by the time Katsuki realised he loved you, your body would've deteriorated far too much. Too little, too late, and too many regrets.

He looked into your eyes and found them full of pure adoration.

"Do you still love me?"

You smiled and nodded. "I do. I will, always have." You wiped his tears with your thumb, pecking his nose in the process. "I love you very much, Kit Kat. But that is my problem, you don't need to worry yourself over it."

Katsuki and you sat on top of your roof, you against his chest as you both watched the stars.

"Are you warm? Are you comfortable? Do you need anything-" You shook your head. "No, this is perfect Katsuki. Thank you." You felt him kiss the top of your head and pull you closer.

"I always knew I'd die in your arms." You told him. "Don't feel guilty. This is a pleasure. Its how I wanted to go."

"You're not- you cant die-" Katsuki wept silently behind you, but you shushed him with a kiss. "Don't be sad. I have no regrets, Kats. I have lived my life watching the one I love become the number 1 hero. I have everything and more." Katsuki kissed you, grabbing your neck to deepen it.

But you had to ruin the moment with your cough.

Katsuki gave you his handkerchief. When you were done, he took it with him down to get you some water. Just as he was about to throw it away, he realised something-

there were no more petals.

Perhaps there was still hope for you.

#yandere katsuki bakugo #yandere katsuki bakugou #yandere bakugo #yandere bakugou #yandere bakugo x reader #yandere bakugo katsuki #yandere bnha #bnha headcanons #yandere mha #bnha imagines

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