#and its worsen my social exhaustion

[mejomonster]

My mean brain is cycling on "you should look up how to find love" again. Despite knowing ill see 200 articles ive read before, 10 books ive read before, and probably 20 new ones to depress me

[dancingmonbelum]

simon x gn!reader

cw // deaf reader, simon being ableist, mention of hearing loss/deaf, simon being toxic.

—————————☆—————————

Communicating was hard enough for Simon, given that he wasn't a very social person. One was sufficient; two were demanding; and three were exhausting. Although that much was forgotten when he met you, the only person who was patient enough to crack that wall– allowing him to open up even to the smallest details of his life.

As time went by, the accumulated words he had said to you was greater than to anyone he had even knew in his whole life. That alone showed just how much he appreciated being heard by you, he never knew his words– his life, could be so interesting to someone to elate excitement and adoration.

But, the house– once full of spoken tales was quieted down when you found out that you're experiencing hearing loss. To the point that you could lose it forever. From there, Simon would find his words falling on deaf ears and him having to constantly repeat everything to you. Not just once– sometimes twice, and on special occasion, thrice. This moment was no exception to that problem.

"Sorry, Si, what was it?"

Silence erupted between them after the second time Simon had already repeated himself.

"Nevermind. You taken your meds yet?"

"Oh– right, let me do that right now." You went to grab the bag of medications on the nightstand that Simon had carefully prepared for you this week. But, seeing the bag untouched only made Simon sighed in response, your carelessness to this whole thing– It baffled him. 'It's like getting better was not important', he always thought to himself.

"You keep forgetting to take it."

The way you nodded to acknowledge your constant mistake ignited a flame of anger in Simon's heart– letting out a deeper sigh, calming himself in attempt of not letting it spread to his head and blow up.

"Oh, well... you know me, Si. Thank goodness I have you to remind me." You chuckled to your own words, earning a loud grumble from Simon about how it's careless to forget about things like this.

In attempt of downplaying your mistake, you avoided his glaring eyes. Hoping that he'd let it slide, again. But, it didn't work this time.

"Just– please, why're you not taking this seriously? It's like you want to go deaf." He dramatically flailed his arms around, before they made its way to tug on his hair in frustration. You don't want to believe the words he's saying right now, because you swear nothing had been this crystal clear to you since you lost your hearing.

"It's always 'can you repeat that?' with you. Why do I have to keep repeating things?"

His words would only grow harsher, and you knew you had to stop it before it worsen. But, there was no stopping Simon as he stood up from the bed and turned around abruptly to face you.

"It feels like I'm the only the one who cares about this! So, lemme ask you this– again and again, and again– why are you doing this?"

"Si, you know I'm not doing that on purpose–"

"And I'm supposed to buy that?"

"Well, I didn't ask to be like this, Simon–"

"Well, I also didn't ask to be with someone who's going deaf so fucking quickly. But, life's not always sunshine and rainbow, huh?"

It always hurts to be honest, but a part of Simon of have always wanted to throw those words at you. But, what hurts even more was seeing your face contorted to despair and guilt when he knew you heard him clearly– the only moment he wished you hadn't.

"I'm tired of this."

And with that, Simon slammed the door behind him– leaving you blanketed with the unbearable silence and the wrenching guilt of letting Simon bear with your situation.

—————————☆—————————

a.n. it's my first time writing something...

[vickyvicarious]

After Mrs. Hall had left the room, he remained standing in front of the fire, glaring, so Mr. Henfrey puts it, at the clock-mending. Mr. Henfrey not only took off the hands of the clock, and the face, but extracted the works; and he tried to work in as slow and quiet and unassuming a manner as possible.

This entire scene is agonizing socially on both ends, for very different reasons.

Being constitutionally of a curious nature, he had removed the works—a quite unnecessary proceeding—with the idea of delaying his departure and perhaps falling into conversation with the stranger. But the stranger stood there, perfectly silent and still. So still, it got on Henfrey’s nerves. He felt alone in the room and looked up, and there, grey and dim, was the bandaged head and huge blue lenses staring fixedly, with a mist of green spots drifting in front of them. It was so uncanny to Henfrey that for a minute they remained staring blankly at one another. Then Henfrey looked down again. Very uncomfortable position! 

Henfrey's curiosity led him to delay his work very deliberately, with the intention of saying on this weird visitor. But then the guy just stares at him the entire time, making him feel super on edge and weirded out due to his impression of the glasses/bandages/etc. When he tries to make small talk, he's abruptly and rudely shouted at! He feels called out for his obvious spying, probably a bit guilty, but it gets translated into anger/judgement of the guest, because he was so rude about it! Sure, Henfrey was a bit curious and did some unnecessary work, but it wasn't such a big deal, he didn't pry rudely into his affairs, he didn't deserve to be treated so harshly! And after all, who is this person to behave this way? A stranger, harsh and mysterious - probably up to no good anyways.... and so he completely justifies his own upset feelings by laying all the blame on Griffin. Who he can then gossip angrily about with his friends.

“Why don’t you finish and go?” said the rigid figure, evidently in a state of painfully suppressed rage. “All you’ve got to do is to fix the hour-hand on its axle. You’re simply humbugging—”

And speaking of Griffin... not to spoil too much here, just what the title already gives away (and his name I suppose), but it's incredibly obvious that he's very paranoid about being seen. He wants to just shut himself up and be left alone, but almost immediately upon arrival he's woken from an exhausted sleep and put on the spot as someone obviously tries to look at him! He's standing there watching the work to try and make the guy uncomfortable enough to just go, and also because there is no way he can relax at all so long as Henfrey is in the room. And it's obvious from this line here that he can tell the man is faking and doing busywork purely to spy on him. It pisses him off so much but he is trying his hardest to restrain his instinctive/usual rude reaction because he doesn't want to raise the locals' resentment. He just wants to be left alone, something he feels he is already owed based on what he's (over?)paid, and which has repeatedly been denied him already by people just coming in freely, causing him panic each time. So when the guy has the audacity to try and chat with him, Griffin blows up at him.

My sympathies are definitely with Griffin here, but this whole encounter feels designed to worsen the bad blood on both sides (town as a collective/Griffin). If Henfrey hadn't taken out all the unnecessary stuff Griffin might not have been quite so mad at him. If Griffin had played along with a little small talk maybe there wouldn't be so much resentment building. But then again it feels inevitable because these townsfolk so far are so invasive and judgy that they are going to eventually get offended no matter what Griffin tries, even if he were much more polite and charming about trying to be left alone. And Griffin just isn't capable of concocting a sad/harmless story to answer their questions and playing along with them enough for them to back off. This is him already doing his best not to make them mad (granted, under great stress, but I don't know he'd be much better without it) and it clearly is not working.

[midwestemoismid]

I'm writing this on my chromebook and Tumblr made me add a title?????????

im slowly losing my want to exist. its not like I want to die at all, I see no point in it and have began to sorta fear death. I feel sorta like a robot???? if that makes sense. I'm just really exhausted, I've barely been replying to most of my friends and idk why. I dont really have the energy to socialize and today I've realized I haven't drawn in weeks and my art is just worsening and I fucking hate how my current art is. but also I haven't really tooken my meds yesterday and I dont rally have them tonight so I'm just extra sad lol.

Ill be better Monday because the meds will fully kick in with me taking em for a bit.

the fact tomorrow is Saturday upsets me. I wish it was Sunday tomorrow so I can just go home.

[vaulted-ceiling-painted-sky]

I'm making a major life change. I'm detransitioning (for medical reasons, so please don't cancel me).

I don't talk about this sort of thing much on my blog because I prefer to live a relatively private life separate from social media. However, I still wanted to disclose some things to my followers. I was on testosterone for over 5 years. I got the prescription after 8 months of counseling for gender dysphoria, followed by a consultation with a psychiatrist and an endocrinologist. This all started back in 2016 and I began taking T in 2017.

The symptoms that were considered part of my gender dysphoria diagnosis were mostly related to body dysmorphia. Since puberty, I felt like my body shape was completely wrong and that certain parts didn't belong to me (no real explanation, just physical discomfort). I had an eating disorder for many years that I never fully recovered from until the T improved my metabolism enough and I could start eating intuitively again. My other symptoms were... pretty much just being a weird girl and a social misfit. I had learned to mask it ok but social expectations just felt overwhelming and exhausting.

T was amazing for the first few years. My period stopped after a month, I lost fat and put on muscle, I could eat a full meal again, my body felt right in a way it never had before. I even got a new job where I felt like a fit in way better as a guy. I was extremely well informed on what changes to expect and when, and I was always careful with my health, getting regular blood tests and checking in with my doctors.

The side effects started to accumulate and worsen however. My body temperature ran high and I got overheated quite easily, which affected my sleep among other things. After about a year I started to get intense abdominal cramps with increasing frequency. Several years of this and I eventually had to get a hysterectomy (I kept my ovaries) and the cramping finally stopped. I had already had top surgery at this point. That was an entire ordeal on its own. I needed to have an emergency revision a week after the original surgery when I got a hematoma in the left side of my chest. I had to drive myself to the emergency room (my boyfriend was at work) where they opened the stitches and tried to manually drain it. Blood was gushing out of my side. I had to be rushed into the OR to have it fixed. After about 4 years on T, I began to have constant pain in certain organs due to atrophy. Medication only stopped it from getting worse, but the pain was still there and sex was out of the question. This can take a toll on one's mental health and relationship. The side effect that really scared me though was the heart problems. After nearly 5 years on T, I started having episodes of fast, pounding, irregular heartbeats. They were uncorrelated with anxiety, and heartburn medication did nothing. I stopped T for a few weeks and the episodes decreased. I started T again and had the worst one yet, where I was actually afraid for my life. I stopped again and my heart issues resolved in a month or two. My last dose was in October 2022.

Since then my body has been reverting to its natural appearance. I just look more feminine and read as female in spite of a flat chest and deep voice. It happened quickly for me. I decided to file paperwork for a court order name and gender change last week. I think I'll be back to publicly presenting as a woman in a few months. This has been a lot for me to process but I'm cautiously optimistic. And I'm so, so grateful that I have a loving, open-minded boyfriend and a supportive family. I don't know what I would do without them.

Why did I post this? Well, I thought sharing my experience might be useful for some of you. If you're on T or getting gender-related surgeries, or if someone you care about is, it's helpful to know about some of the things that can happen. My experiences differed significantly in some ways from the standard information you get on this stuff. Side effects can be quite manageable for some people, but very serious for others. I thought I was at very low risk of anything bad happening yet treatment still proved unsustainable for me. It can be difficult to find accurate information in a medical field that's been unfairly politicized. I just want what's best for everyone though.

[ina-nis]

Don’t want to detract or take away from the original post, so I’m making a new one. This is so incredible important and another reason why I feel like AvPD belongs to/is in the schizo-spectrum of disorders.

To give some background: most my experiences with psychotropics were terrible. I got severe side effects, some of which I still haven’t recovered from (and likely will not) and more serious things, such as seizures.

Doctors don’t tell you those things because... well, “these are rare side effects” and “they will pass as you get used to the medication” and “it’s just a matter of adjusting the dosage” and “maybe you need a mix of different medications” and so on.

What was really striking for me was the fact that my symptoms - aka the whole damn reason I was taking those things - didn’t even improve? But I got flooded with negative symptoms. I felt like a zombie on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds always made me sleepy and aloof. I was apathetic and didn’t feel like myself at all, didn’t even feel like a person at that.

Now I can see why. Probably AvPD. I experience a lot of negative symptoms while dealing with this disorder - it’s the whole reason why I try so hard to just... do things. If it were up to my brain, I would just stay still forever. Because I keep on trying, I can “manage” these symptoms, but the flipside is the positive ones (that definitely could benefit from medication).

In the end, I get the “best” of both worlds and try to get by however I can knowing that, for me personally, medication that is supposed to help might not help at all and could cause more symptoms and/or worsen the negative symptoms I already deal with.

If I stop to think about it, that explains why I feel so exhausted and feel like socializing is just a waste of time, there’s no pleasure in it, but there’s a lot of prospective pain, for sure.

That’s also the reason why I mostly can relate more to my Cluster A siblings, since we share a lot of these negative symptoms.

I have not seen literature on AvPD and its isolation as a negative symptom of the schizo-spectrum kind, but mostly as a result of Social Anxiety or Generalized Anxiety. They both can be true and affect different people.

I guess this is a good thing to think about.

[conduitandconjurer]

Truly loving someone with all your heart is surrendering every weekday and weekend, every morning, afternoon, and evening, late late evening, to caring for them; it is worrying about them the entire time you are “taking five” from that care, and deciding to just go back to monitoring them before you lose your mind; it is battling for them on the “fields” of apathetic doctors and social workers and disingenuous insurance companies for hours, days, knowing an inarticulable rage toward people who claim to be a “care team” and don’t do their job; it is watching them shrink before your eyes with malnutrition and disease; it is your heart breaking when they look at you with fear and confusion for safety, stability, and hope, when that was exactly what they brought you for nearly 40 years, and you must pretend you have any left; it is trying to remember that when you change the bloody dressing or insist they eat or take their meds or sit, and they look at you with absolute fury and tell you to “leave them alone,” it’s not really them saying it, and in a half hour when the med kicks in, they’ll be themselves again.  It’s coping with the fact that this is almost worse than never having those good intervals, because you never know when it’ll go away again, and every healthcare professional has made sure you know it’ll “only get worse.” It is being glad there is time left even though almost everything about it is slowly (but literally, by worsening your own progressive chronic illness) killing you.  The people who don’t understand what it is to be a caretaker are quick to offer platitudes. The people who do, say very little, because they know there is nothing they can say anyway. Either way, it’s lonely, and it’s exhausting, forcing yourself never to look before or beyond the scope of the current day and its many, many battles. 

What amazes me is that I am living all my worst fears. All of them. Every single highly specific one.  Almost nothing else scares me now because nothing could happen to me that would hurt more than this. I don’t know if it’s shock or nihilism or simple survival at this point. 

[sunspira]

white liberals and leftists alike saying shit like "i can't support palestine bc they'd hatecrime me for being lgbtqia+." gay and trans people (especially trans women and even moreso trans woc) are being doxxed, pedo-jacketed, and called to be eradicated from public existence in the US, constantly, currently. there are lgbtqia+ people in palestine. they exist in Israel as well and the IDF kills them in droves. some palestinians being homophobic and/or transphobic doesn't give zionists the right to gleefully cheer on the continued displacement and death of palestinians en masse. the pinkwashing is pathetic and as a bisexual palestinian-american trans woman, this shit is beyond old and exhausting.

yea absolutely!!

tbh i feel like people confuse being a colonizer with other forms of bigotry as if it's all on the same threat and harm level. like we understand it's harmful to supporting the colonizer instead of the colonized. but that's because of very specific reasons with power dynamics.

it's not BECAUSE the colonizer nation has so many racist and homophobic leaders and citizens. (i mean often a colonizer DOES have those issues but that's not actually even WHY they need to be opposed and dismantled). but thats not even the core of why colonialism is so harmful. (and after all, often a colonized nation or culture has many social ills and bigotry as well.)

leftists oppose colonialism and stand against colonizing powers because at its core, one nation/culture/ethnicity conquering, enslaving and eliminating another nation/culture/ethnicity is one of the worst atrocities on earth that can happen and disastrous for mankind! it is like a nuclear disaster for human rights. so many systems of bigotry and oppression flow out of it and worsen or even come to fruition as we know it because of colonialism. if two nations have homophobia but one is being colonized, my politics and values is to support the colonized peoples freedom and autonomy and restoration.

[sun-in-retrograde]

Outer Planet Energies for Week of 21 August to 28 August

A lot of the big aspects from so far in the Venus retrograde ended with the new moon and there's a few new aspects that will be lasting a while. So, a quiet week, but an interesting one in the dwarf planets!

Sedna 0 Gemini 32 to 0 Gemini 33

This is a Martian kind of week! We have a Mars opposition with Neptune, then a trine with Pluto. It’s a week of dissipation and challenge. The threat of addiction and the strength of willpower. But also, from Wednesday there’s a square between Mars in Virgo and Sedna in Gemini that comes in just as the Neptune opposition starts to ebb away.

What I often find with particularly challenging transits is that by the time they hit their apex a sort of natural immunity builds up to them. So, for instance, if a Mars Neptune transit has me indulging in addictions and intrusive thoughts, by the time its power starts to wax I’m already finished with my packet of cigarettes and able to sleep through sheer exhaustion. And that’s where the Sedna-Mars square comes in. Mars is in a problem solving mood, but Sedna just wants a space to complain. 

These are both natural responses to a hard time but they can be mutually frustrating. Mars sees in Sedna an energy that refuses to be helped. All Sedna wants to do is complain and think over things. What Mars doesn’t see is that Gemini is mutable and Sedna is doing the work to find a solution. Complaining about it and thinking things through is the whole of the work, it just takes a while. Mars Virgo can’t solve the problems Sedna helps us work though. By the same note - if your problem is that you keep tripping over something, no amount of emotional analysis is better than the good old fashioned Martian impulse to move the thing. 

It might be hard to find the right tool for the right task this week but there’s also an opportunity there. Sometimes we spend years working on the emotional and traumatic undercurrents of a task when we need to clean our rooms. Sometimes the reason we’re upset by not having clean socks is more important than cleaning the socks. This square might give us opportunities to switch up tools a bit. 

Gonggong 5 Pisces 11 to 5 Pisces 07

The Saturn Gonggong Conjunction is started in April and will end in September and will return December 2023 to February 2024. A big result of the conjunction at least in the UK was a wet summer where plans were cancelled. A lasting effect may be the Antarctic’s shockingly bad year - the Antarctic ice sheets have had their worst year ever, substantially worse than the previous worst year ever of 2022. I know we expect this kind of news but you have to understand sea ice changes slow. The Arctic’s worst year is still 2012. 

Of course, you kind of have to ask, worst for who? I'm not trying to justify climate change, it's bad. But one impact of a hotter Antarctic is cooler temperatures elsewhere, which may if we're lucky reduce the strain on other system for a while. It’s complex and we’re doing astrology, not climate change. My reason for mentioning this is that Gonggong and Saturn in Pisces can also bring emotional flooding which is again not pleasant but can release energies we can use elsewhere. For instance, if climate change shocks and appalls you this week, that might encourage you to campaign against it politically in some way.

Haumea 29 Libra 12 to 29 Libra 17

Haumea and Pluto are in similar spaces. They’ve both had an experimental period in a new sign and are now hanging out in the old sign for a bit longer before going into a new sign full time. Pluto is preparing to enter Aquarius, where it spent the age of revolution and social transformation at the end of the 18th century. Haumea is entering Scorpio for the first time since the mid 18th century where it ruled over an expansion in global trade and industry that led to worsening conditions for the working classes, global war, and a massive expansion in the institution of slavery. 

Haumea in Scorpio feels oceanic to me because the source of Haumea’s egg-like shape and the weird expansion of the planet is thought to be in part connected to an ancient global subsurface ocean. Haumea in Scorpio feels like it’s offering global expansion to Pluto Aquarius’ interest in what’s off and beyond Earth. 

Haumea and Pluto are going to be squared for a long time, the aspect appears at points between 2018 to 2034. That’s with a 3 degree orb. With a more generous orb of 10 degrees - Haumea is squared with Pluto from 2010 and through the whole of the Pluto Aquarius period. From an environmental point of view, this feels like the crisis of living in a society that constitutes personal growth in terms of expansion with an awareness that the planet is not all there is and is, in fact, finite.

This strikes me as really different to Pluto Capricorn and Haumea Libra. Haumea Libra knows what happens when internal pressures for expansion are disbalanced - eruptions and calamity! Pluto Capricorn knows that the world is a hard place and appreciates work and harshness to survive in it. It feels to me like the clash between the need for self care and the fear of poverty. 

Eris 25 Aries 10 to 25 Aries 08

The North Node is coming to a conjunction with Eris. This is the first conjunction like this since 2005 and as Eris is in retrograde it will be very close for a very long time. It will go exact at the end of November after weeks of being dramatically close. I use a 3 degree orb and by that measure the conjunction ends on 1 January 2024.

The Eris conjunction offers a chance to hold your own with your desires, trined Lilith in Leo, there’s power behind expressing yourself. It feels like a time when people will want to show up as themselves and maybe won’t be able to compromise on what that looks like. That sounds empowering, it doesn’t necessarily sound harmonious.

[winxonmy]

050424

17- Seventeen in a few minutes

“You're all grown up now, you should learn to be independent” — a phrase my mom often repeats to me whenever I have to commute alone or mag o-order ng food. Minsan cause na ng inis ko na halos mangiyak ngiyak na in front of her, kasi totoo naman. It keeps running through my mind since the first time I heard it.

Life has been so fast-paced lately; I wake up every morning to face different circumstances. Ang bilis, it feels as though I just opened my eyes from a dream last night. Getting out of bed, I make it on my own without waiting for my mom to remind me. I go grocery shopping without her by my side. But, hey, even the ripest apple at the market wouldn't tell me what to choose, so I have to keep a checklist talaga.

Things have changed now. I can still vividly recall my childhood moments—rushing home with tears after slipping on a rock, singing to my dad over the phone while he was away working. Each morning, TV was my source of peace pa, as the idea of reading a book seemed burdensome. Being scolded for mistakes, and falling asleep exhausted from outdoor play were routine. Now, in contrast to those memories, I'm now applying a bandage to a finger cut while slicing tomatoes.

The past few weeks, or perhaps even months, have been filled with demotivation, largely due to the demands of school that have deprived me of adequate sleep. With only 2 hours of sleep, I nearly close my eyes in front of my lecturer, fighting the urge kasi kinakatok ako ng konsensya ko. I often cover my ears na nga from the noise of my classmates and yung early morning sermons from our teachers over mistakes made by one of my classmates din. — never forgetti those high school moments.

Summer is already on its way in a few more weeks. However, beyond school, there's another feeling I've been experiencing lately — A tinge of being down in the dumps has crept into me. It's a sign that I'm truly growing up, isn't it? I am more aware of what I'm doing now, yet I feel less joy than I did as a carefree child.

I'll be graduating high school soon and I have to apply for college by myself, live alone, and cook my own food every morning to prevent myself from starving kasi I know l'll be lacking in motivation, but I hope not. My social anxiety is likely to worsen, as it is right now. Oh, sometimes I wish the ground would just swallow me whole.

Honestly, I'm not fully prepared to face the realities of growing up; it overwhelms me every night. Natatakot ako that I may fall short, and I really get bothered by overthinking. Yet, I know that comfort inhibits growth. I have to keep learning things alone. Each day offers the choice to live authentically naman, and I must push forward. — life goes on.

As my sister lit the candle, I whispered my wishes and blew it out.

Happy 17th birthday to me!

[jenniferenglandallen]

Peace Be Still

Just over two weeks ago, I was undergoing emergency brain surgery and awoke in hospital lock-down isolation. The world had changed and through the dense fog of chaos, I heard Jesus speak the words once more…Peace Be Still. Hello Facebook friends: We know each other. Most of you know me through our beautifully interwoven lives whether in hometown Cedar Hill, ACU College days, San Angelo, KLST, KRRT or after Herb and I married and began our lives raising Sam and Charlie in San Antonio and Harper. Years of Autism advocacy has brought us together as has social media or through our church family at San Antonio’s MacArthur Park Church of Christ. With all resolve I wanted to share this story of hope.

PREPARATION WHEN I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT First let me backup a bit… Last August my family and I embarked on our trip of a lifetime to the Holy Lands. Led by Dr. Monte Cox, Dean of the College of Bible and Ministry at Harding University in Searcy, Arkansas, this journey was a 10-day immersion in faith, the Bible chronicling Christs teachings while on Earth. One of our most anticipated places to witness was the Sea of Galilee. It’s where much of Jesus ministry took place. As a child, I would marvel how Jesus calmed the waters amid the vicious storms surrounding the small boat he and his disciples were on as told in Mark 4: 36-41. “Master, the Tempest Is Raging” is an old church hymn, written by Mary Ann Baker and focuses on this story of the Savior. Unbeknownst to me at the time, it would be this passage and hymn that would reach and carry me amid the painful and isolated weeks that lie ahead.

THE ONSET OF THE STORM Aspergers101 was shut down December 31st 2019 and just shortly after, I was diagnosed with Trigeminal Neuralgia. Migraines were nothing new to me but the onset of this new diagnosis’s was swift and merciless. Trigeminal Neuralgia is a chronic pain condition that affects the trigeminal or 5th cranial nerve, one of the most widely distributed nerves in the head. Severe facial pain stemming from the brain. Under this diagnosis there is no cure. We were told there are meds that may be tried but with time they will lose effectiveness. The condition affected the entire right side of my head. Told it will gradually worsen and only experimental surgery (not recommended) was on the horizon. Grim diagnosis for sure but we got busy on finding the best solution(s) to remedy. The neurologist offered little more than 3 minutes of his time, medication and follow up in 3 months. As we realized the few options for medication relief proved both ineffective with nerve pain blockage and basic daily cognitive skill function, I had begun to research surgery options on my own. The frequency of pain continued its aggression until it was consistent. As my contact lessened with most people, the conversations with God increased. All I could think was to say, repeatedly, is that I am his. Romans 8 reminded me that not even death could separate us from the love of God and I couldn’t reach high enough at this time. The solution for this storm escaped me, not any research, determination or persistence on my part would fix this…I looked upward as I began to drown.

MASTER THE TEMPEST IS RAGING It was just past midnight March 15th when Herb took me to the hospital. It is important to know that while driving by a closer ER, Herb drove instead to Methodist Stone Oak upon ‘a feeling’. The pain was so intense that the hours/days that followed were blurred with, MRIs, brain/fluid removal, Opioids and various combinations of (and I quote: our arsenal of meds were exhausted) attempting to ease pain. 5 days in, Dr. Christopher Bogaev, a neurosurgeon associated with the Methodist Neurosurgical associates, appeared to Herb and I with the great news I was a candidate for microvascular decompression, the surgery I had read about weeks prior. He would operate in 3 days and believed this would wrap and protect the angry nerve from my brain. Confusion had set in when Herb and our sons, Sam and Charlie were asked to leave the hospital due to the Covid-19. The hospital was on lock-down and I was inside. My family would be unable to return, even for the surgery. Hauntings of intravenous opioids and cups of meds were administered every 3 hours as my body awoke ready for the next administration. Severe head pain continued but I was only semi consciousness at any given time. I could barely move and talking or ‘texting’ was a function I was unable to perform. During the torment of pain, opioids and loss of family contact my resolve was tested. Suddenly I had control over nothing not even my body. The story of Jesus calming the storm reached me during this isolation. I can remember being wheeled downstairs to testing prior to surgery and seeing faces of Gods love in hospital workers. One woman, either of us barely speaking each others language, spoke volumes through our eyes. Sympathetic goodness rolled over me as we exchanged passage of love without ever uttering a word. The technician holding my cross necklace for me during one of the many MRIs, told me of his parents recent trip to the Holy Land and how certainly God was near. My loved ones were forced away from me but no lock-down was to keep away Gods reach…he was indeed close to the brokenhearted. (Psalms 34:18) No surprise I would later find that Herb and Sam and Charlie spent the surgery parked outside the hospital in prayer. It would be days later I would awake with all my senses still operating and the damaged nerve held millimeters apart from causing agony. Jesus was there and had calmed all the turmoil that once had swirled so violently.

THE ELEMENTS SWEETLY REST Just 2 days after surgery I would be sitting up in bed (by 4:30a) ready to show my marked improvement and preparedness for hospital release. By 7a I was released and Herb was notified he could pick me up just outside the hospital just 2 hours later. As I was wheeled downstairs the realization that the world had stopped came into play as the hospital corridors & lobby were still. Though dizzy and weak, the drive home released me from my time capsule and fast forwarded to the world that had halted it’s fast-paced fury to a virus pandemic. I was home. Touch, healing, love and gratitude to be together with my family after not knowing we would see each other again was all present in the healing days ahead. God had guided and delivered us all during this tempest storm. We compared our stories of how so many things could have turned out differently yet how everything aligned and ultimately, how God was Always in control and always is. What a parallel to everyone. Isolated at home with some facing unemployment, sickness and worst of all fear. I wept often as I recovered knowing that the almighty God, the Messiah and creator of all…came for me during a wave of terror. HE was there as he always is...for us all. The overpowering song “Master the Tempest is Raging” will forever be a part of my fabric and will reverberate with the current pandemic the world is facing. I included the lyrics to the song and verses from the Bible that resonated over and over while going through fear, isolation, pain and uncertainty. Does Jesus need to ask, “Why are you still afraid, do you still have no faith?” Peace Be Still In the coming weeks, as the world continues necessary seclusion may the words Peace Be Still bring each of you a balm. A quiet, in the frightening squall and changing current storm as it unfolds uniquely to you and your family. A knowledge that God sees all our perpetrators and will never give us more than we can bear. If it comes close…know he is there.

By: Jennifer Allen

God’s Word: Scripture on his eternal peace & protection 27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. - John 14:27 King James Version (KJV)

1 “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” 2 “Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.” – - Psalms 46 (1 & 10)

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. — Isaiah 43:2 (NIV)

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. — 1 Peter 5:7 (NIV) The LORD shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace. – Exodus 14:14 “But thou, O LORD, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head.” - Psalms 3:3 “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36 As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. 37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. 38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, 39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” – Romans 8: 35- 39

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. — Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)

Jesus Calms the Storm 35 That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.” 36 Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. 37 A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. 38 Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?” 39 He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. 40 He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” 41 They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!” - Mark 4: 35 - 31

Master, the Tempest Is Raging (Lyrics)

Master, the tempest is raging! The billows are tossing high! The sky is o’ershadowed with blackness. No shelter or help is nigh. Carest thou not that we perish? How canst thou lie asleep When each moment so madly is threat’ning A grave in the angry deep? (Chorus) The winds and the waves shall obey thy will: Peace, be still. Whether the wrath of the storm-tossed sea Or demons or men or whatever it be, No waters can swallow the ship where lies The Master of ocean and earth and skies. They all shall sweetly obey thy will: Peace, be still; peace, be still. They all shall sweetly obey thy will: Peace, peace, be still. Master, with anguish of spirit I bow in my grief today. The depths of my sad heart are troubled. Oh, waken and save, I pray! Torrents of sin and of anguish Sweep o’er my sinking soul, And I perish! I perish! dear Master. Oh, hasten and take control! (Chorus) Master, the terror is over. The elements sweetly rest. Earth’s sun in the calm lake is mirrored, And heaven’s within my breast. Linger, O blessed Redeemer! Leave me alone no more, And with joy I shall make the blest harbor And rest on the blissful shore. (Chorus)

[sweetbloodbitterbones]

im so very tired of it all

social media is exhausting.

i dont have the ego to take criticism or hate.

my energy is so limited. i want to care more but ultimately what good does it do to constantly subject myself to the horrors of this world. When there is nothing I can do what good is it.

my health continues to decline. i continue to be unable to seek care.

its all just so very painful. its just so painful to live. everyday i wake up in pain and it worsens until i lay my head down and sleep in pain. And the cycle continues. its been so long since ive felt no pain that i cant even remember what it felt like to be free.

there is only this prison. and it will eat away at me until I die. And what will I have accomplished? whats the point of any of it?

[drram22]

Are You In Right Hand (Your Surgeon)?

After passing my medical residency (M. S. General Surgery) in India, I have worked as a full-time freelancer for around 5 years. I was travelling around some of 100kms on average across the city (Ahmedabad) on daily bases. I have a tremendous surgical skills and passion about my work which makes me woke up every morning for next 100kms. I was regulary visiting 4–5 hospitals and performing 2–3 surgeries per day. I literally exhausted after a day reaching home with a happy thoughts of doing some goods for me and for the society. It was hard work but still fun.

Now I realised that was a stupid time I’ve wasted of my life. Hardly 5–10% of patients I have treated/ operated in last 5 years, would ever come to know the surgeon they have been treated by. They are plenty of Hospitals/ Nursing homes/ Clincs at each famous cross roads in every cities of India, And hence people thinks Doctors are progressing like anything and earning a fat bank accounts. Nobody cares to acknowledge, more than 60% of small to corporate hospitals are owned by a politician, a businessman, a social trust or a Crook (Who doesnt have a degree but gained skills after working under some surgeon for long). With surprise, People trust them more than doctors with actual degrees (Who obtained these degrees after some of 10 years of hard-work and study). When you make a habit of 50–100 rs of consultation fees, It will make your health worsen. Trust Me.

Cheap and Good never comes together!

Here I am putting a guideline to identify your Surgeon:

Always find out and Google Surgeon’s degrees You’re being treated with.

Seek for Surgeon’s Expertise and Years of Experiences.

Always verify the Ratings/ Reviews put online when You visit the Doctors

When The Surgeon is Comfortable and Confident while dealing with your problem, Book the date of Surgery right away.

You can take 2 or max. 3 opinions from different doctors of same expertise and then take decision. (Wondering for more than 3 doctors always hampered your health and your treatment output)

They’re millions of marketting ways these days, So Always seek Physical consultation before plan for surgery and to better know Your surgeon (After all its your Health. Remember Nothing is more important than this, Not work, Not Money, Not holidays).

Online platforms are always shady. Hence Inquire and be suspicious when some online healthcare companies (Billion Dollars Business) call you. They are not Doctors, They are salesman with monthly targets.

In nutshell, Get informations of your disease first, find a good Surgeon, Always seek physical consultation, check for the above mentioned guidelines and after discussion with your family — Choose the right Surgeon for your Own Problem.

[minimoll7]

Hello hello!!

So an update!! I know this probably pointless lol considering how often I’d be like oh yeah I’m coming back!! and then I don’t or I do but very briefly. But I’ve been thinking on how exactly I want to approach this since I have been away longer than I wanted to and have left quite a few people on read..

I think I’m at a point where I’m just permanently socially exhausted. Well not permanently as in forever, but just until I can really get a lot of personal stuff worked on. And well.. my social exhaustion is the biggest reason why I tend to avoid this site now despite really and I mean REALLY wanting to be active. In fact, I still pop on to like posts every now and then. I’ve got stuff dated back from August that I really need to reblog!!! So I think what I want to try to do is make it clear that I’m just not available much anymore for talking. And try to keep it on the low. Due to that toxic friendship I had, its left me to the point that even just simply seeing the fact that I got a message can stress me out. I know its not that person anymore since we no longer have contact with each other, but the memories of it, the experience of it all, rushes back to me. And then I feel guilty if I’m active but not responding (since lots of times I’ve noticed, I get spammed with messages if I’m active by a bunch of people and then I get drained like immediately and then I avoid the site and then the guilt builds back up... ah!). So again, I think I’m gonna have to put up some boundaries in regards to talking to people because my social exhaustion sucks in so many ways lol even more so with how crazy these last few months has been for me on a personal level :(

But as for being active. If I find myself disappearing but saving up likes to reblog, I’m gonna try not to spam so badly (if its a big build up anyways). I think either tonight or just sometime this week, I’m gonna go and finally reblog some of the older posts in my likes and then wait a few days or something before I do it again. Once I’m caught up, I’ll try to return to normal activity or something idk

Also for my art.. I’ve been feeling better about it but I haven’t really gotten anywhere in the improvement department yet. I might start drawing again since lately, I’ve been dying to do something (tho I’ve gotta be careful now ‘cause I’ve got carpal tunnel lol) but I think for the time being, I’ll be deleting my art blog. With how little I’ll be posting, I just don’t see a point in having one (plus right now that blog has embarrassing ranting posts so since I’m still paranoid about a glitch that would delete all my blogs if I delete one, I’m gonna wait until tomorrow or later this week to delete it lol). If I do post art, it’ll just be on here or my cartoon blog or something idk. But yeah an update. I still love this site and I miss it immensely and twitter is just a cesspool where its hard to find good people or even content of some series. So I’m trying to make a comeback!!

(also I’ll be posting a more summarized version of this post on my cartoon blog since I know I have different followers there. so if you already read this, you can ignore the post there to lol)

[meme-loving-stuck]

unironically i do love when people criticize any sort of cynicism or meanness and they say it like it's a universal thing. "okay you can be that way but you're someone *i* would avoid" like yes girl that's the point you're annoying i don't want people like you associating with me. ok being picky about who i socialize with on purpose means im just a hater cringe culture joy is canceled etc

[c-kiddo]

What do you think the autistic m9 members post shutdown/meltdown routine would be? (Either alone or with the other m9 members, I know I prefer being alone)

im not sure if this is what you meant bc these arent rly routines but,, my thoughts are here anyways ;w;;

- caleb often just needs alone time, but also likes veth to sit quietly beside him, especially because sometimes for him meltdowns can be partially triggered by paranoia or compulsions getting to be too much. and he trusts veth a lot to make sure there’s no assassin trying to kill him, or to tell him that the nein are safe)..... for calming down he likes an old blanket or his heavy coat, he likes the old smell of it too. if it was a big meltdown then he rocks and flaps or covers his ears (or goes under the covers in bed, in the dark) until he feels ok enough, and then he looks through his books and reads a bit. also petting frumpkin always helps. also helps him not to start picking at his skin because otherwise he can hurt himself a lot. he usually ends up having warm milk with cinnamon and comfort foods and reading or napping after in a candlelit, dim room

- veth tends to need quiet (or also hanging out with caleb).. also yeza’s vry good at helping seeing that sensory overloads are going to happen and can stop it beforehand if she needs :’’) .. also she tends to get angry and yell if she’s melting down so a quiet place to curl up small is very good. i think, arranging her buttons is a fool-proof help.. also stimming with the buttons she wears and also her braids. organising her collections helps ground her bc she feels all the textures and shapes and gathers them into categories. also stops her from pulling her hair ;w;

- i think meltdowns wouldnt happen to yasha that often bc my hc is she struggles mostly with social things and so she just leaves situations she doesn’t want to be in, but if she gets stuck and its a bad day and she shuts down i think walking always helps her. it gets her out of fight-or-flight mode. like, she just walks as fast as she can, maybe runs if everything is rly pent up until she's somewhere quiet and then she stims with the beads in her hair too ;w; if she’s melting down she tends to self-harm stim so its good to have someone else there to get her a pillow or something to punch, or to rub her back if everything is way too much. most of the time being alone helps her most :''3

- cad doesn’t tend to meltdown vry often, mostly shutdowns in which he stims a lot, rubbing fabric in his hands and chewing his hair and rocking. he usually leaves the situation and goes outside and just sits or walks around if he’s more panicky, flapping his hands by his ears over covering them if everything's too loud. meditation and grounding techniques help too so thats what he does most often :’) .. if he has a meltdown though its A Lot, lots of built up stress and he can’t process it so its just a big thing and usually ends up triggering dissociative and/or worsens psychosis bc his brain is trying to Escape.. he needs pressure afterward, when he's ok with being touched, hugs and pressure against his back especially (jes and yasha are very good at it). also he usually sleeps the whole rest of the day after bc its so exhausting, with a heavy old quilt with patterns to trace his fingers over. maybe has a nice bath (with some help) if its needed too :’3 especially if the meltdown involved Bad sensory things with his fur/skin getting greasy texture, it helps a lot. also bc (in canon) people brushing his hair or washing it will just make him fall asleep, it rly calms him down. also he’s p much nonverbal when it happens so its good to have someone with him who he can sign too, and also just for comfort and reality checks if needed ;w;