#and my mom made it so much worse when i told her my train wasn't coming she got all mad at me like it was my fault???

[cheekblush]

really starting to think someone put the evil eye on me.....

[the-guilty-writer]

Headcanons for Hotchner!daughter Service Dog

No one asked for it but here we are.

Inspired by the headcanons done by @ssa-thotchnerr on hotchner!reader emotional support dog

As someone who is a service dog handler, this topic is near and dear to my heart, especially service dogs who do psychiatric work. It's also important to me to address the differences between an ESA (emotional support animal) and PSD (psychiatric service dog) as they are two seprate things.

If you have questions about ESAs or Service Dogs send me an ask or a message! It's something I love to talk about and educate on!

Here we go:

CW: Foyet, Haley's death, counseling, medication, PTSD, PTSD symptoms, meanings to names

The whole thing with Foyet was traumatic. Being pulled away from your dad, being in witness protection, being told your dad was dead only to find out that he wasn't, your mom being killed- it was all too much.

Hotch was very proactive about getting you and Jack into counseling. Jack recovered from the events far faster and easier than you did.

After evaluation from a psychologist, they concluded you had severe PTSD.

You were talking to a therapist multiple times a week, taking medication, being open with your dad, even peer support groups, but after a year you still struggled immensely.

Panic attacks, nightmares, hypervigilance, depressive episodes, and avoidance still ruled your life.

Your medical team brought forward the idea of a service dog as an addition to the rest of your treatment.

You and your dad looked into it and decided it would be a good idea.

Until you looked at the price of training or getting a program dog and it was going to be upwards of $15,000 (really closer to $25,000) or at least two years on a non-profit waitlist. Some options were both.

Thank god for the "anonymous donation" from Uncle Dave.

You and your dad met with the program. They had you meet a few different dogs that were ready for task training, but ultimately you were matched with a solid black female german shepherd.

"She's from our outer space themed litter. Her name is Comet, after Halley's Comet."

That had you and your dad in tears.

It would still be months before she would complete her task training, but you got to see her when you went to do handler training.

She finally finished her training with the program and got to come home to complete it with you!

At first, having Comet almost made things worse.

People would point and stare, little kids would scream, rude people saying things like "you don't look disabled", "I thought only veterans could have PTSD", access issues, even some of your friends who didn't want to bring you along on activities anymore since you'd have Comet with you.

But it forced you to be a bit brave and learn to stand up for yourself and her.

And her tasks made your life so much better and gave you so much more independence.

Comet would "search" the apartment for strangers before you entered, so you could come home alone without Hotch or Jessica having to be there.

If you were home alone, she would bark when someone came into the apartment and go check to see who it was. If it was someone she knew, she would stop barking and come back to you, but if it was a stranger she would continue barking so you could call your dad and ask who was supposed to be coming to the apartment.

When you had nightmares, she would wake you up before they got really bad. This improved the sleep quality of everyone in your family.

Comet would alert you before you had a panic attack so she could perform deep pressure therapy and you could use your coping skills to try to make it less intense.

If your panic attack did get intense, she would do a "take down" to put as much pressure on your body as possible and gently lick you until you calmed down.

In the after-fatuige of an attack she would take you to a quiet place to recover and continue to provide pressure therapy.

If it happened when your dad was home she would get him to help you through it.

She would annoy you at certain times of the day to remind you to take your medications, sometimes even fetching the bottles for you.

When you would cry alone she would just starting bringing you anything she could find - water bottles, papers, pillows, dirty laundry (usually bras because it made you laugh) - so you didn't have to be alone with your feelings.

She would stand behind you and alert to people approaching so you didn't get startled.

Sometimes would provide "checks" around corners if you were having a really bad day with hypervigilance.

Having Comet opened up an entire new world for you, making you feel safe without having to have your dad or your aunt with you.

She wasn't a replacement for your therapy or medication, and the public could still be extremely rude. Sometimes you did leave her at home if you were going somewhere that it would be hard to accommodate her and you had your dad to help you incase anything happened.

But she gave you independence that you didn't have before and made your life so much better.

[spiralsublime]

Lucy Manhattan nee Santangelo Headcanons

(by extension the Manhattans lol)

Lucy and Jack are highschool sweethearts. Lucy was the IT girl of the 80s, cheerleading captain and valedictorian. I think it is a nightmare situation of prom night pregnancy. This super genuine and childish love for one another that is suddenly forced to grow up. They are married the summer after graduation.

Lucy still graduated as valedictorian, gave her speech with confidence and announced her intention to go to law school with a smile. Jack joined the academy, I think he likely wasn't confident in his future and ended up falling into what their parents pushed for. Something stable and easy.

Lucy supported Jack as he got further and further into this new role, going from low tier cop to high tier wild card detective.

The beginning of their marriage is good, they are thankful to have one another. They struggle through Johnny's first year of life, but they both lived with one of their parents until they could afford an apartment. Vickie comes around soon after Johnny.

But then Jack gets busier. He gets this new partner.

Through it all there is Lucy, taking night classes to finish her law degree. She goes from receptionist, to paralegal, to lawyer.

Cosmo and Lucy become good friends actually, they get brunch together to cope with the grey hairs that Jack is giving them. Cosmo is a wonderful uncle to the kids.

Then Lucy gets kidnapped.

She starts training in self defense around it. Gets the kids into baby self-defense courses.

Then her babies get kidnapped for the first time. I like the idea that this would be her girlpower movie moment. Cosmo kicks in the door (Jack chasing after the main antagonist), to see Lucy already tying up her guards, hair in perfect place. Johnny is holding her hand, Vickie in her arms after. - Tiger Mom vibes.

Their marriage was on the rocks for a while.

But it was only after Cosmo ended his partnership with Jack that their fights got worse and Jack hid further into work. Took more risks. Johnny had taken off, got into some shit. Vickie had to watch up close.

Jack didn't even show up at Cosmo's funeral, likely drinking himself away. So it had been Lucy, Johnny, and Vickie, side by side in matching all black.

I think in such a sad way. Cosmo was what kept their marriage together for so long. He was the one that reminded her of how much Jack loved her. Then he took off. And it got harder. All her friends told her to leave. Vickie told her to leave. Then Cosmo died and Jack went fully off the rails.

In my heart, she cried when she got the papers made. She wept as she tried to explain why they needed to let each other go.

I would like to note that Lucy ran the fuck out of Jack when he was actually in the same room as her, the issue was how rarely he was around her in the end.

She moved cross country both to escape Jack Manhattan's legacy and to give herself room to breathe.

He never signed the papers and ended up in Her City.

She still loves him, but she has become so Aware of what their marriage is. Because this is an 80s movie, she ends up with him, he does a grand showing (like saving Johnny) and the movie wants us to forget that she was trying to move on.

BUT NOT ME.

I want her to have a girlfriend who treats her right. <3

[pekkhum]

Are you trans yourself or is it just your daughter? :0

And in any case, how is her transition going so far?

Sending much love <3

I think this will be more fun to answer via story time and the long mode answer:

Around the time of my 37th birthday I started seeing a couple incredibly hilarious and relatable memes about being trans go by on my feed. They were just so great that I found myself seeking out more and learning to understand trans folk more and more. I kept wanting to comment and holding myself back, because, of course I'm not trans, I just feel all the things trans women feel all the time and have struggled with those feelings since I was very, very young. Still cis, though.

There was eventually a day when the dam broke and I admitted online that I am trans, but it was three days later, while reading about internalized transphobia, that it all hit home. I had myself a nice little fit about how I didn't want to be trans, not because it is bad, but because the world makes life suck for trans people. (Actually, 6 months before, in the most egg moment ever, I told a woman that I had been thinking about how hard life as a transgender lesbian would be and that it would be much easier to be a straight guy. I was wrong for reasons most trans folk can guess.)

That day, I sat my child down to explain that I've realized that I am very much trans, that I have resources she can read to understand what that all means, and that I would let her other parent know, so she had someone else to talk to if she wanted. (Thankfully, we are peacefully divorced, so that wasn't an issue.)

I later found out that my child had devoured those resources, stolen one of my skirts my work-mom gave me (she's so supportive) and tried on names, pronouns, and skirts. It was a month later that she greeted me in the morning in a skirt and informed me that she was certain her feelings weren't something else and I discovered that I have a daughter! 😊

I was in the process of trying to get HRT and my insurance changed, then my health network intentionally and willfully screwed me over and yanked my chain, because they didn't want to provide a referral (it turned out to be owned by the Catholic church, here in America), but didn't want to admit their bigotry. I was forced to change health networks and get a new primary and wait months for a new appointment for a referral and my daughter's needs were similarly delayed, but she was even further behind! I had just gotten HRT when I was laid off and left with no insurance. This means I'm on an incorrect dose and my daughter hasn't gotten hers.

To make matters worse, our ADHD has made sitting down for voice training or learning makeup (it is so overwhelming!) difficult for us and we've not found others willing and able to help with the latter. My daughter has gotten a lot of nice clothing from her mama (I'm mom, the ex is mama 🤷‍♀️), and she just looks so cute, but she hasn't felt brave enough to present at school or anything. I'm hoping a GSA in college will help, but I'm making sure not to push her. She's still figuring out her personal vibe, but it seems to lean toward her mama's style, instead of my tastes, with just a few exceptions. Whatever she goes with, I'm proud beyond belief!

I joined a writer's group and only ever introduced myself under my unmistakably femme chosen name and everyone was cool with my very unfemme appearing dysphoria hoodie wearing self. I am grateful beyond belief. The dose may be too low, but the HRT has been very much working. Unfortunately, even freshly shaved with a straight razor, my beard is forever visible (I'm told a little blush or color corrector can hide that, but keep looking horrible when I try), but thanks to HRT, I at least saw a woman with a beard shadow, when last I walked into the bathroom. (Also, I fill out my sundress more, now!)

With family and friends, we are fully socially transitioned, though, and I am grateful, every day, for those we've been able to keep. It wasn't all, but it seems I'd already cut the problems, in advance. Also, we can both wear whatever around the house, so we dress for ourselves, at least.

We dressed up extra for our first Pride parade, though! I won't have a ton of opportunities to wear that rainbow skirt, but I love it greatly!

We are early in transition, with lots of problems yet to solve, but we are so much happier, so far. I'm finally alive and she finally cares about who she will be! We're also so much closer now and have opened up a lot more to each other. I adore my daughter and I'm so glad to be her mom! 💖🥲

[animal-lover-forever]

Guys, I need advice.

(Putting a 'Keep reading' because there's a lot to read.)

My dad, I do love him... at least I think I do. Recently I've been wondering if this is true love I feel for him, or if it's love that I've been trained to feel.

When I was 12- well actually I was 11 but it was Sep. 19th- I moved in with my dad (Andrew) and stepmom (Amy) because my mom couldn't handle me anymore and desperately needed a break.

As a child with late diagnosed Autism, I couldn't get help to understand the world from professionals. Because of this, a lot of people didn't understand me, and I was often in a meltdown. It was pretty much guaranteed that I would at least have one meltdown if not 3+ a day.

Most of these meltdowns were at school. Why? Well, my body was essentially always in flight or fight mode- which is a big reason I didn't start making and keeping memories until I was a teen. But we will come back to this- when it came down to it, I would try flight first. I would often run into a closet at school but the teachers never liked that. "She can't be unsupervised." "There are things in there, like scissors, that she could get into and we can't have that." Because of this, they would often physically grab me and drag me out.

All Autistic people are different, but a lot of us show similar things, do similar things, and have similar triggers, ticks, and coping tricks. So here's a pro tip for interacting with someone with Autism. Do not touch us! Be sure to ask before you give us a hug, or a pat on the back, etc. A lot of us don't like to be touched, and touching us might just make things worse. Yes, it is human nature to want to touch someone who's not feeling well, who's sad or mad just so we can try to make them feel better. But do yourself, and them a favor by asking first!

Anyway, because they would grab me and drag me out, I was forced into fight mode. I would often try to run out of the room, but they often stopped me. And I hate feeling trapped! No, I do not have claustrophobia. I actually kinda like small spaces, hence the closets. But when I lock myself in a room, I feel safe. When someone else locks me in a room, I feel trapped. It doesn't matter how big the room is, if someone is keeping me in there, I feel trapped.

This was a recurring problem. And day after day, I wore my mom down and broke her. Because of my meltdowns, everyone around me would often leave. But my mom? She never did; she was always by my side no matter what... Until she wasn't. I was starting another meltdown, and my mom was threatening to call the cops on me because she was done. I didn't believe her; why would the one person who stayed by my side for 11 years suddenly leave me? But she did. They were going to put me in a mental hospital. My mom told my dad this, and he came down to get me.

My dad then proceeded to have me until I was 16. Because once I was 16, I made the decision to leave to go back to my mom for good.

He has three daughters, but I'm the only one to talk to him let alone be 500 feet around him. None of his family will talk to him, and if they do, it's a fight about something. I think the last time he talked with any of his family was about 4 years ago and it was a fight. His sister had died and he was fighting with his other sister over the phone. I am his only family besides Amy. So if Amy leaves, I'm the only one left.

My dad is broken. He has diabetes, heart and back problems, and many other things. He's not broken enough to not just sit on his ass all day. Yet that's what he says. He can't get a job because he can't sit for too long, he can't stand for too long, he can't drive, or walk for too long! He can't do anything for too long. But that's all he does all day is sit.

He often had me doing chores, okay fine, that's normal. But then he would start me on a new chore, like mowing the lawn. He said that we would take turns mowing every other time. But then he got sick and said that I had to do it but when he got better he would come back to help. But he never did. "You need to learn responsibility, so do it yourself."

I went from doing one chore to doing them all. I had to do the dishes, sweep the floor, mop the floor, take out the trash, clean up all the dog poop, vacuum the floor, rake the leaves, pick up all the bad apples that fell from the tree, scoop the dog poop outside, mowing the lawn, cleaning the lawn mower after mowing the lawn, cleaning the bathroom, cleaning the kitchen, cleaning the living room. Over time, my dad put all of his chores on me. I was no longer his daughter that was a resident in his home, but an object that my dad could use to get the chores done so he could fuck off all day. I had more chores than how old I was! And if I didn't do them right, I got yelled at.

He would often talk me down and be a dick to me. "Baby girl, you're fat. I'm not fat-shaming, I'm just telling you the truth, you're fat." He would say as he was fat-shaming me. "I'm teaching you life lessons! The world is full of assholes!" He would say as he was being the asshole. And he was big on manipulation.

I had separation anxiety from my mom. So I called her all the time. Especially once I moved in with my dad. However, over time, my separation anxiety went away, so I started to call and talk to her less and less near the end. Now that I'm with my mom again, I don't talk with my dad unless he starts the conversation. And the conversation always starts with "Why the fuck am I having to hunt you down again? You talked to your mom all the time! Why don't you talk to me?" Not true, near the end, my mom had to 'hunt me down' too.

He loves me, that I am sure of. He just doesn't know how to show it without hurting me. "You know I love you, Dax, right?" "Yeah, I know. I love you too, dad." "You know you're my favorite, baby girl, right?" "Yeah, I know. You tell me all the time."

When I think back on it, I have no happy memories of my dad. I have some that start out happy, but they all end in disaster at some point.

I-... I feel like I should cut contact with him. But I don't know if I should. If I do, what will he do to get contact back with me? Will he resent me because the last of his family- his daughter- left him? I honestly don't know what to do... Does anyone have advice? Do you guys think I should stay in contact with my dad? Or do you think I should drop contact with him?

[call-sign-jinx]

Endless Love (Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw) - Chapter 3

summary - Y/N Y/L/N and Bradley Bradshaw have had a rivalry ever since they both attended the same academy. Every chance they took, they always tried to one up each other. One day, Bradley takes the rivalry too far and Y/N ends up in the hospital with serious injuries. Will it make Y/N want to get him back twice as worse? Or will it make her realise that this rivalry between them is childish?

warnings - swearing, enemies to lovers, mention of serious injury, traumatic episodes, reader traumatised from what happened, smut, slowburn, seizures, flashbacks

When I woke up, it was dark. Very dark. well, apart from the light next to my bed. I looked around, feeling very dizzy, and saw Maverick in a chair, reading a magazine next to my bed. Why was he here?

He looked up and saw I was awake. The look on relief on his face made me smile slightly.

"Oh my god Y/N. How are you feeling? Do you want me to go get a nurse? Doctor?" He kneeled down in front of my bed and put his hand on mine. Maybe I should hear him out on what he has to say.

"No, no. I'm fine Maverick, just a little dizzy is all. What exactly happened?" I painfully sit up as Maverick pulls the chair closer to the hospital bed.

"You and Rooster did a Pugachev's Cobra and Rooster accidentally shot one of his missiles at your jet. Which caused you and your jet to go down, you slightly tore a ligament in your neck and arm." He had such a worried look on his face. Maybe he isn't such a dick from what my mum told me all those years ago.

"Y/N... I also want to apologise. I know you probably don't care but your mom told me to leave because she thought I'd be a horrible father... I wanted to be in your life..." Maverick began to cry. He wanted to be a part of my life? But mum told me he walked out after she told him he was pregnant?

"Wait wait wait wait, you wanted to be my dad? But mum told me you walked out on her when she told you she was pregnant. Why would my mum lie to me?" What the fuck? Why would mum lie?

"Me and her had an argument a month before you were born, it was really bad... I caught her cheating on me... When I confronted her she blew up... That's when she kicked me out and never let me see you... Then when she did let me see you, it wasn't as often as I'd hoped... That's why, one day, I left you a note and then you and your mom moved to England, to be with her family..." The amount of tears increased.

"What the fuck... so because of a mistake she made, you had to suffer?..." How the fuck could my mum do that? Lie to me my whole life?

"I get why you were pissed... And I get why you blew up at me before training..." When he mentioned that training exercise, something snapped. Flashbacks of what happened before I crashed. I began to panic, I was reliving the crash. Every second of it. The pain. the anxiety. It was too much.

I began to hyperventilate and tears began to run down my cheeks. Maverick tried to hug me but I pushed him away.

"Y/N? What's wrong?" I didn't answer him, not even hearing exactly what he said. I went into a full blown panic attack. I could feel my body shaking. I couldn't breathe properly and my vision was going blurry. Oh god... I didn't think this would happen... I haven't had a panic attack as bad as this since high school...

-----------------------------------

I had finally calmed down. Taking deep breaths as Maverick looked at me with panic in his eyes.

"Y/N... what was that?" I didn't know how to answer that... I don't know if I did want to answer that...

"I think it was a panic attack..." Maverick nodded his head with worry in his eyes.

"That should be expected after what you've been through... The doctors said you could get flashbacks from what happened as it was a very traumatising experience. I'm here if you wanna talk about it Y/N/N..." This time when he used my nickname, it didn't give me anger, it actually gave me comfort.

"Thank you..." I pause for a second, wondering how long I've been unconscious. Fuck! "How long have I been out?"

"About 3 weeks... the doctors said the earliest you'd wake up would be weeks from now..." Maverick places a comforting hand in mine.

"I've missed so much training! For fuck's sake man! How much did I miss?" Maverick slightly chuckled, that all I cared about right now was how much training I missed.

"You've missed quite a bit, but don't worry... I can help you catch up, it may be stressful for you so you can back out whenever you need to." I shook my head with a stern look on my face.

"No. I am not backing out. I haven't come this far just to back out because of some training accident." I had a stern and serious tone in my voice.

"Okay, okay." Maverick chuckled a bit. "Get some rest, I'll see what the doctors say about how much time you should take it easy and all that stuff for you." Maverick gave me a tight lipped smile as he walked out of the room.

Bradshaw is definitely gonna be first for this one... Fuck!

[griefabyss69]

07 hot mug please

Hot mug is something I started back before I even published my first fic on AO3 - it was originally a vent fic about being too broke to eat and turned into a "Steve is taking care of Eddie post-Vecna" fic with a fun little twist. My writing wasn't nearly as coherent back then and so while I have 8K in this fic, I need to rewrite it from the ground up to make it into something I can continue writing and finished. I haven't visited this fic in MONTHS, the last time I even touched it was in September and that was to rename it to my current organizational system. I love it, even if it needs some work <3 A big snippet of it, a fully coherent scene and everything: (contains: canon level injuries, painkillers, hospital mentions, rated like T for that stuff)

The first mug of coffee he has after getting ripped apart by the horrible (cool ass) bats in the horrible (sick) alternate dimension is at Steve Harrington's house.

Freshly released from a rushed hospital stay in an underground bunker, forced into Steve's guest room by circumstance and because Steve had been roped into being his nurse of all fucking things, he sat in Steve's kitchen. The stool at the island counter was completely unsupportive and so he mostly just slouched onto his elbows, trying to keep the pressure off of his injuries, but apparently if he popped a stitch or two then Steve could just fix it right up.

The bunker hospital was so much worse than Steve's house – as creepy as it is at night, like he's in the world's most boring art gallery after closing – but at least they had trained medical professionals there.

Hunched over the hot mug clutched in his hands, groggy in a way he never really feels, both the pain and the painkillers making him slow and still, he brings his face down into the steam. He took it black, just like he does at home (wherever the fuck that is now), but he's not sure if he even wants to drink it. He's had this feeling since he first woke up that anything he eats or drinks will just leak out of his sides, even though the doctors told him that the damage to his organs hadn't been so bad. He was all fixed, everything working just fine apparently, but he still checks his bandages after meals for signs of anything weird.

Inhaling the steam with a slow, deep breath makes him feel even sleepier, and his head starts to nod forward, making him jolt when the world tilts a bit.

"Don't fall asleep in that, you'll drown."

Steve sounds wide awake, full of life, almost chipper. Like a sitcom mom making eggs for her family. Eddie's mind supplies the laugh track.

"I'll grow gills," he mumbles, forcing himself to sit up straighter. He can't tell if he's blushing through the general haze he's in, but Steve's barely looking at him, spreading some jam on toast.

He watches Steve's hands as his own clench around the mug even tighter. The burn of it on his skin almost satisfies whatever the back of his mind is doing, the itching and gnawing in his muscles. The heat doesn't compare to the feeling of ambient warmth that he feels when Steve gets close, helping him change his bandages or look over all of his demonic body modifications, but he always takes what he gets.

"Eat this, I'll make you some real food in a while," Steve says, a plate with the toast on it in his hands, then on the counter in front of him. Steve and his hands go back to where he's making more toast, watching Eddie while he waits for it to pop up. "I just need to get groceries, it's been a while."

Eddie doesn't say anything, his sides throbbing even as his brain seems to get fuzzier. He woke up with the alarm that he had set to take more painkillers, and so he took more painkillers, but so far they're just killing his ability to think. He knows he wants to drink his coffee and eat the toast that Steve (lovingly, for sure) made for him, but all he does is watch Steve's hands. He doesn't know how to unstick himself to use his own.

His eyelids blink slowly and he feels like the air is swimming around him.

"Eddie?" Steve's good at staying calm, or sounding like he is anyway, even as he rushes over to get his hands on Eddie's shoulders, that beautiful warmth almost pressed up against his back. He's radiant with it, and despite the hot coffee, Eddie feels pretty cold.

Another slow blink, this time it feels like it takes forever and all of his energy to open his eyes again.

When he does, the world is tilting a lot more, with Steve's arms around him, supporting him as he carefully lays him out on the floor. Hands gentle on him, Eddie tries to keep watching them, checking his bandages for blood. One of the hands goes up to his periphery and brushes some of his hair aside to check his pulse. The other comes to hover over his mouth and for a second Eddie thinks Steve is going to cover it, like he wants to shut him up.

But he doesn't, Eddie doesn't really get what he's doing, but he seems satisfied after a minute and now Steve has his hands back to himself, fingers drumming nervously.

"Can you speak?"

Eddie can. He knows how, is super great at it. His mastery of words and ability to manipulate the world around him with his presentation of them is one of his greatest skills. He opens his mouth to inform Steve of this, figuring out how to make things move through the haze, ready to pretend he's offended to get Steve to stop looking so serious, but all that comes out is a reedy groan.

"Right. I'm taking you to the hospital. I'll be back in ten seconds, stay awake."

Steve disappears for, Eddie counts, seven missisisisipii's. He forgets how to spell it, but remembers how it sounds. He's got the cord from the kitchen's phone stretched over to where he crouches beside him, listening to the line ring.

Eddie knows he should’ve still been in the hospital, there's been a gut feeling from the moment they told him he was being discharged, but he doesn't want to go back. He'll never admit it to anyone but the place is scary, an eerie place like how in a horror movie a haunted house looks normal until the brand new family is all moved in. At least the Upside Down was honest about it.

[thepeculiarbird]

I love that song and I think that fits almost perfectly Jacob in the first book

the lyrics :

My Grand-pops was a man of respect, had to sweat Just to cash checks working from sun-rise to set Every day he'd get challenged, no trades or talents Barely scraped by, he found faith to balance the straight line And pace feeling worn and grey Poor with four seeds, one more on the way It was hard days indeed all work and no play He made sure things on the surface were okay, but Something disturbin' within his mind was lurkin' A slight twilight breeze would ease in through the curtains at night

It's like the sermon of a twisted apparition Was urging him to listen to the train in the distance At first it wasn't intense, just one little instance Sure, it didn't occur, he turned to resist it As if it wasn't much more than just a figment Of his imagination but for days it was persistent And it went, "follow me, follow me. follow me, follow me" then it got louder "Follow me, follow me, I have something to show you"

With time people noticed he was actin berserk Granny got a call saying he was absent from work And that was a first She ran to the pastor at church To ask him what was up with this disastrous curse But bad went to worse

He came back three days after, no money in his wallet and his shirt on backwards Stumbling, walked awkward he called out for his daughter Right before he split the last lesson he taught her was this "If you ever have a son let him know that his granddad loves him But by the time that he's grown Be sure this seed is sown deep down into his dome Don't ever ever walk to the train tracks alone"

With that he backed up reached out for his jacket Told her not to act up and cracked up laughin' After all that happened he left never to be seen Fifteen years later is when my mother had me Her dad lived a life people can't understand Went from a, family man to rambling man A gambling man that burned both ends of the candle Folded his hand in it was too hot to handle

Sitting on the tracks waiting for the night train Looking down the road ain't never gonna go back Listen for the whistle through the wind and raindrop Who's gonna ride the devil's train tonight? Sitting on the tracks waiting for the night train Looking down the road ain't never gonna go back Listen for the whistle through the wind and raindrop Who's gonna ride the devil's train tonight?

When I was a tot my mom dropped fables and stories To warn me of the dangers that were layin before me To keep it interestin' she would hide the lesson To guide my direction, provide the right message In time I developed a sense of her embellishment Since I was rebellious against what she was tellin' me When I was a teen I pretended that my demons were friends I defended the place. yo and that was the case Slurred speech drippin' off of my face The world creeped as I slipped to the awfulest place you could imagine

Not the average things you see on acid My granddad bloody hovering on a speaker cabinet Laughing in a rasp, he turned covered in maggots That snacked on his ass with a bone, I couldn't grasp it Did a double dismount off of the couch, flipped out Broke the closest window I found, then I dipped out Suddenly, I discovered little voices mumbling up in my head It had me wondering what was it my mother said Back when I was younger it had my brain ragged As I stumbled off of the night towards the train tracks

Sitting on the tracks waiting for the night train Looking down the road ain't never gonna go back Listen for the whistle through the wind and raindrop Who's gonna ride the devil's train tonight? Sitting on the tracks waiting for the night train Looking down the road ain't never gonna go back Listen for the whistle through the wind and raindrop Who's gonna ride the devil's train tonight?

So there I was, stalking through the dark with a buzz I figured I should walk that'll ease me off of these drugs It's like a shark had to keep movin' it's that or be ruined If I sat still I was doomed and that wasn't doin' So I marched through the park slow gone like Donnie Darko The sparkle of the starlight, glowed like charcoal Despite my demeanor The night seemed more serene than a morphine fiend in a morgue scene Like I lost it, that was when my grand-pops carcass emerged from the dark Gurggling his words of carnage, but he couldn't talk

Something about the birth of sadness I scurried off, I was on the verge of madness I raced fast pace in the landscape was strange Like a plane parallel to this one but rearranged Came to a slope to a steep, beggin' for sleep As I climbed up taking my focus off of the creeps Within the foggy distance I saw a silhouette that got bigger as I stepped The train tracks were wet, I saw a shiny grin from afar like it was happy This is what he said as he started to walk passed me "It's a nice night for a walk, would ya mind if I joined you?"

"Do what you wanna do" "Well that's great cause I'm going to And not to annoy you but see I really have to ask What a young dude like you doin' out by the tracks? "you waiting on a traaain?"

"Nah man let me explain I'm mindin' my business so maybe you should do the same I just been a witness to something sick and sadistic So twistedly disgusting you should feel real lucky you missed it."

"Ooh easy with the tongue son, try to listen carefully What you seen's scary but nothing can compared to me I could show you things that paint all your dreams haunted Or I could make you scream if I wanted Or I can be the bee in your body, your best-friend forever And you never have a need to beg work or steal If all this sounds worth it then lets make a deal All you want in life for price of your soul All the money you can fold, power that you can hold I'll put you in control, only if you're down to roll down these train tracks tonight."

"But where we gonna go?" Sitting on the tracks waiting for the night train Looking down the road ain't never gonna go back Listen for the whistle through the wind and raindrop Who's gonna ride the devil's train tonight? Sitting on the tracks waiting for the night train Looking down the road ain't never gonna go back Listen for the whistle through the wind and raindrop Who's gonna ride the devil's train tonight?

Edit :

[secretgaygenttomura]

A Life Worth Living - Chapter 4

(TW: Physical and Verbal abuse, attempted murder)

When Tomura got home, driven by his Mom, he was due for an application of some of his medicinal skin cream, though it never did much to help. He was sitting in her lap, watching his toy train drive around it's track idly. The sight was eerily familiar. He could never just... stop itching, scratching at his skin. And his memories retained clearly why. 

His mother warned as she gently applied the cream to the scarring around his eyes, "Tenko, what did I tell you? Stop scratching, it's only going to get worse."

"Mom-" He shook his head slightly, uncomfortable, "I told you, it's the house! I'm only itchy in here...!"

Nao sighed, shaking her head. She gazed into the backyard wistfully, as if something else was occupying her thoughts. After a moment, her gaze returned to Tenko, "Tenko... do you... still want to be a hero?"

He could remember his past answer clearly, the naivety echoing in the back of his mind: 

A past Tenko explained half-heartedly in response, "Yeah, because no one wanted to play with Mikkun and Tomo-chan. So I said, let's play together! We played heroes and it was super fun! Mikkun said 'You should be All Might, Ten!' And it was really nice, even though they don't have any other friends." It was past that point where his thoughts delved darker, thinking about his father's violent disapproval of heroes, and how upset it made him. A lot more went through Tenko's mind than the adults around him ever though. Though now he could probably be able to tell the difference between his father judging him for wanting to be a hero and judging his overall character, as a child, you can't tell at all.

Tenko surged forward, hugging his mother tightly, tears threatening to spill from his sore eyes, "Mommy, why does Father say No all the time? Does he hate me? Will he like me once I get my quirk?!"

Tomura already knew all he needed to about him, he had no need to ask all those pointless questions anymore.

Coldly, he answered, just as his prolonged silence was starting to worry his Mom, "I dunno, Mom."

Nao's brows furrowed in confusion, "Really? That's unlike you, Tenko... Are you alright?"

Tomura briefly considered hugging his mother again. Very briefly. He shut his eyes and looked away from his mother, pained, "I mean... I could get a bad quirk, or even... no quirk at all. That wouldn't make a very good hero."

"A bad quirk, where'd you get that idea, Tenko?"

Tomura continued rambling, "Or, my quirk wouldn't be strong enough. Isn't that why Father hates it? Why he hates me being a hero? Me being too weak to fight?"

"Tenko...? How do you..." Nao's expression hardened, before she whispered, bringing her child in to caress his head comfortingly, "Tenko, I don't know where you're getting these ideas from, but I know your father doesn't hate you at all. He just doesn't want you to get hurt."

"He thinks I'm weak."

Nao sighed, shaking her head, "Now's not the time to talk about this, okay? Let's just finish this up, and then I'll make dinner, okay?"

Tomura stayed silent, what he always figured the best thing to do was when he was sour.

---

Dinner was fine, but this whole situation was starting to grow old on Tomura. How badly he wanted to get out of this loop of live, avoid trouble, eat, sleep. It bored him to no end. For once, he was actually craving a return to his life in crime.

It occurred to him, that his father might let him be a hero this time, if they were even somewhat aware of his thoughts at this moment. At least, if they even would believe him. But it wasn't exactly believable that their supposedly quirkless toddler was actually the reincarnation of an infamous serial killer with the power to destroy everything, from a person, to the core of the earth thousands of miles below their feet. It sounded like the typical crazy story any old kid could come up with. The only indication of truth would really be how verbose he was now.

He let his mind stop thinking about it, tuning back into reality to hear his grandparents justify his father's cruel actions to his face. Maybe he should've kept thinking about being a villain after all. At least, that was until he heard Hana from behind him:

"Ten! Hey Ten!"

She had been poking around their father's study, and just appeared to have found what she wanted to show Tenko.

The feeling Tomura felt at that moment looking at Hana wasn't something he could describe. It was similar to Deja Vu, but oh so different. Dread caused his heart to sink into his stomach and his heartbeat to pang inside his head, and nausea to start making him feel lightheaded. It was pure horror. He had to get away. 

Desperately, he scrambled off, outside and away from the house, the itch all over him growing persistent. And that's where he found Mon. Thank god... The sun was just starting to set, and a neon yellow ball neatly sat atop a clump of grass. Tomura needed to relax, being here... It was somehow more stressful than his life of crime... He called Mon over, picking up the ball and waving it around. "Hey Mon! C'mere!"

The corgi, from across the lawn, perked up, and bounded towards Tomura. The boy hadn't known how much he missed this simple pastime.

"Go... Get it!"

As he tossed the ball, a sudden itching pain covered his skin, making Tomura yelp, "O-Ow-! Huh?"

Half of the ball had crumbled by the moment it hit the ground. And Tomura heard a faint crying in the distance under the sudden ringing in his ears, and following it, a looming presence behind him created a shadow. Reluctantly, Tenko looked behind him.

"Tenko, did you get into my study?" Kotaro did not ask, but accused. His hand was already raised.

No...! I didn't, I swear! I was innocent this time, I-... But his intents could not be heard as terror constricted it's grip on his throat.

By the door, Hana was clinging onto their mother's skirt, tears rolling down her cheeks in rivers as she pleaded, "No! I just wanted to show him something, I'm sorry! I didn't know!"

Tomura had forgotten how much more those few words made the following slap hurt. A sharp impact, stinging on his cheek, as he was knocked onto the ground. A new, burning feeling resonated in his chest. But the child inside him didn't let it surface for more than a second. A second that was used to shoot an unnoticed crimson glare up at his father.

"As punishment, you'll be spending the evening out here again." His father made his final remarks before returning inside.

---

By the time the sun had set, Tomura was huddled against the fence. Anger and turmoil boiling under his skin in the uncomfortably hot, humid air of summer. His whole body was covered in a crawling itch that the pollen and bugs and dirt outside never consoled, only exemplified with the resentment he was still holding towards his father. That resentment he was always taught to hold in his heart and fester. He never knew what else to do with it, so fester it did.

And again, he was in the same terrifying predicament. This time it had to go different, it had to. Mon-chan was whimpering next to him, snuggling up against him to try and get pets. "-Sorry Mon-chan...", his voice was barely present in his throat, full of agony as he tried to console the puppy, the only member of his household he still held care for at this particular moment, "I can't pet you..."

Mon gave a defeated whimper before laying up against Tomura. If the night could just keep being like this... Maybe things would be better. Maybe if he was just quiet enough, his goddamned father would never come out here, and-

It was then that the door to outside opened, the silhouette of his sister bounding towards him, "Tenko! I... I wanted to say sorry! I didn't want to get you in trouble, I just-" She stepped a little too close for comfort.

Tomura flinched at the quick approach, his hands sweeping across the concrete and landing on the fence behind him, "Stop! Don't get any closer!" He had a little more spirit in his voice this time.

Mon-chan yelped and jumped away as he felt the ground shift under his paws, Hana and Tomura reacting in tandem. The fence behind him crumbled from the bottom up, causing the top to almost fall on top of the boy, whose appearance was slowly changing, the hairs atop his head growing greyer the more he destroyed. The ground underneath Hana's feet collapsed, and she screamed in shock, falling over and scraping her arm.

The ground had become lumpy and uneven, and a certain silence had taken over the Shimura household. Tomura just almost killed his sister and Mon, again! His skin grew more and more itchy, and his heartbeat grew faster, and the dust on his skin made it feel unsufferably dry like it always did after a fight. Adrenaline, hate, and panic building, growing. Then his father and his mother opened the door.

"What is going on out here, do I need to punish you more, Tenko?! Did you not already learn your lesson?!"

That was it. He wasn't taking any more of this. He had the power to stop it! He knew he did.

Everything but Kotaro in his vision blurred, his skin already rubbed raw and inflamed like his patience. And he found himself getting up and stalking towards his father, his toes activating Decay on the ground around him, creating sharp, rigid land formations in their oh-so "perfect" lawn that had Hana and Mon running off to the more isolated corners.

"Tenko...!" Kotaro warned.

Get rid of him, get rid of the incessant itch. You've done it once before. You can do it again.

Tomura's internal voice was starting to distort.

With every step, Kotaro grew more apprehensive, and Tomura lost more and more pigment in his body, the black vanishing from his irises and hair. The more and more he felt like himself again.

But just as he was getting close, his tunnel vision hadn't let him see the garden shears his father had grabbed. Suddenly, Tomura felt an impact, a pulsing sting in his lip, and tasted the oh-so familiar taste of blood.

His father cried, "GET BACK, TENKO!"

That does it.

Tomura leaped forward, the only voices in his brain begging for father to be gone and dead, for that tortuous itch to be gone and dead!

Then his mother tackled them and grabbed his wrist.

"Tenko, please stop!" She wept, horror in her eyes. And suddenly all that adrenaline pumping through Tomura was gone, down the drain. He clenched his fist and tore his hand away, stumbling back and falling over.

Hyperventilating, his eyes welled up with tears, his heart once again sunken and leaving him nauseous. Not even the crickets or cicadas sang to console the moment. Only the grotesque sounds of anguished sobbing and scratching wounds into his skin from Tomura echoed through the night.

All his family could do was stand and watch in shock as Tomura realized he almost did it again, he almost killed his mom. And more importantly to the rest of his family, who he could see circling him, and staring at him like hungry buzzards, he tried to kill his father...

[acidh2otoby]

Mini Redfield, Part 1

Chris Redfield & OC!Son

This shit literally just popped into my brain a few nights ago and I'm just now working on it two days later.

Warnings: Mentions of underage stuff (doesn't make sense right now but I'll try to make it make sense 👍)

This story is the lore part so hopefully everything after this will just be whatever the hell I can think of.

1989, Chris was sixteen and his high school girlfriend was seventeen. She would constantly get Chris into all kinds of trouble, going to parties where there'd be underage drinking and possible sex, they always ended when the police would show up.

One of these parties ended up changing his life, for better or for worse he couldn't tell yet. He had accidentally gotten his girlfriend pregnant, their relationship became incredibly toxic and she hit him more than a couple times.

They eventually broke up but Chris would still occasionally ask how she was doing and checking on the baby, he figured she'd bail out on being a mother early on and would force Chris to take care of it, so he figured he'd preemptively be a good dad before the baby could even be held.

Chris would go to adults that he knew and that had kids to ask how to be a good parent, explaining why he asked and that he didn't wanna be terrible. The adults always gave him dirty looks but gave him instructions regardless.

Claire was happy to hear that she was gonna be an aunt, even though she was still young. She was hoping it was a girl so then the two could do cool girly things together, but she did admit that it would be kinda cool if it were a boy.

The baby's gender was never revealed prior, or at least Chris didn't know, until the birth. Chris was there for it, he wasn't aloud in but he got to hold his baby and sign the birth certificate, he even named it. She didn't sign anything nor made any attempt to actually be a mom, so Chris ended up being glued to the hospital until they let him go.

The baby ended up being a boy and Chris named his son Evan. Chris' mom had told him when he was little that she wanted to name him Evan but decided on Chris. Claire was happy to see her nephew when Chris got home, almost demanding to hold him.

Evan was born in December of 1989, Chris was seventeen by the time the birth happened. He didn't have much left of high school and ended up graduating early, he was basically a straight A student and the school was in his support. They gave him the final test in order to graduate and he passed, letting him focus on jobs and being a dad.

Chris lost contact official with his ex after graduating, she never reached out either so he didn't bother asking. Chris ended up training for military and moved him, Claire, and Evan to a small trailer park town almost literally right next to where his main base would be.

The trailer houses were okay, some better than others, but the one they lived in was very nice. They did get some benefits from living near the base since they got most of their stuff fixed almost immediately. There was a bad snow storm the first year of living there that cut out electricity in the park and nearby city, they got power back two days after and the city had to wait a week.

Then Chris joined S.T.A.R.S. and moved the three into an apartment in Raccoon City, Claire eventually left for college but Chris and Evan stayed. When S.T.A.R.S. became a thing, Evan was roughly six years old.

Something Chris asked for from Captain Albert Wesker from the very beginning was if Chris could bring Evan around when there wasn't any missions going on and that if he had to leave, he could. Wesker understood and let Chris do as he pleased.

Evan grew very fond and very close to S.T.A.R.S. Alpha Team after that, the whole team loved him and considered him a S.T.A.R.S. junior. Evan was a little intimidated by Wesker but he rarely saw the Captain anyway, so it didn't necessarily matter.

When Chris left for the mission on July 24, 1998, it was already past Evan's bedtime and Chris figured he wouldn't be back until morning the next day. The earliest, dawn of July 25, just before Evan would get up.

He was definitely right about the times on getting back home, he entered his apartment around 7:42am to find Evan awake and sitting on the couch. Evan looked over at the door and saw Chris standing there tired and looking down.

"Dad!" Evan said excitedly as he got up and rushed to Chris, wanting nothing more than to hug his dad.

"Hey, no. Not right now, let me change and shower first." Chris said quickly, not wanting zombie blood on his son.

Evan nodded, he looked a little sad at his dad rejecting him but wasn't gonna throw a tantrum about it. Chris was honest in what he was doing but he also just took a moment in his room to try and process what happened last night and to brace himself in case Evan brings something up.

When Chris went back into the living room, Evan ran up to him again but hugged him this time. Chris picked Evan up and held him a little before walking to the couch and sitting down, seeing that Evan had found a kid's channel on TV.

"Dad?" Evan asked, pulling Chris from his thoughts. "Why do you look sad?"

Chris sighed, trying to find a way to explain what happened to a nine year old. "Um, that mission I was on was a really difficult one. I'm just tired, that's all." Chris explained, deciding to wait until later to tell Evan what actually happened.

Evan nodded before thinking of a way to make his dad feel better. "Can we go to the Police Station later today?" Evan asked, smiling.

Shit. Now Chris had to try and explain what happened. He sighed again, trying to find the right words. "Not today, um... The mission I was on... You remember some of my friends that worked with me?"

Evan nodded again, listening to what Chris had to say. "Well, a lot of them got really hurt, and some of them weren't themselves anymore."

"What do you mean?" Evan asked, he was confused by what Chris was saying.

"Some of my friends didn't come back from where we went." Chris finally said, hoping that would work.

"But what about you saying that you never leave your friends behind? Why did you leave them behind?" Evan asked, he began to grow worried.

"I had to. Look, I can explain it to you when you're older." Chris said, trying to dismiss the conversation.

"No! I wanna know! Why did you leave them behind?!" Evan yelled, he started getting frustrated.

"I had to choose between who I could save and who I had to leave behind. I tried to save as many of them as I could but sometimes things don't work out." Chris said, keeping his voice quiet.

"Then who did you save?" Evan asked, his voice became a little shaky.

"I saved Jill, Barry, and Rebecca. Brad was the one who took us away." Chris said, the guilt he felt already was starting to grow.

"What about Joseph? What about Richard? Enrico? What about Wesker?!" Evan yelled, overstepping a line he didn't know existed.

"Wesker killed all of them!" Chris yelled, snapping from the pressure.

The room fell silent. Chris was panting and trying not to cry, he needed to be strong for his son. Evan was shocked, he started silently crying as the realization hit him. Evan got up and ran to his room.

"Evan, wait..." Chris muttered, getting up.

Chris stopped in his tracks when he heard Evan scream into his pillow. He knew he couldn't fix it and he probably made the situation worse than it needed to be. Chris sat back down and let himself cry, he was having a hard time believing this was all real.

After some time went by, it was mid September. Chris had planned on going away for a bit, he told Evan that it was because he needed to find a new job and that he would test it out first before moving them in case the job wasn't enough. He told others it was a vacation.

What he really was doing was taking time away from everything to try and be better. Be a better dad, a better brother, a better friend, and just a better person in general. He wanted to take Evan with him but Evan had been giving him a hint of silent treatment since July, so Chris asked if Jill could watch over him until Chris got back.

Jill was fine with it since she was considered an aunt by now, and because she genuinely needed the company. It was now September 28th, 2:04pm, Evan was watching the TV as Jill was cooking lunch for the two of them. Evan hasn't really said much and has rarely smiled since his arrival, which has worried Jill since Evan is normally bubbly and sweet.

"Evan, food's ready." Jill said, placing a plate where Evan has decided to sit on her kitchen table.

"Okay." Evan replied, turning off the TV and going into the kitchen.

The two sat down and ate in silence, which felt weird for Jill since Evan always has something to say. Once they were done, Jill had told Evan to wait at the table while she put the dishes in the sink, making plans to do them later.

Jill sat back down at the table as Evan stared at his hands, fidgeting with his nails. "Is something wrong?" Jill asked, finally tired of the silent treatment.

Evan shrugged, giving no verbal answer. "Do you miss your dad?" Evan shrugged again. "Hey, you know you can talk to me, right?" Evan nodded. "What's going on, kiddo?"

Finally, Evan paused. He sighed before making eye contact with Jill. "My dad said that Wesker killed everyone in S.T.A.R.S. except you, him, Brad, Barry, and Rebecca. Is that true?" Evan asked, he had tears in his eyes the refused to fall.

"Oh, honey..." Jill muttered, getting up from her chair, she moved Evan's chair so it was facing out so she could kneel down in front of him. "I wish I could tell you it wasn't."

Evan finally let himself cry, covering his face in his hands as he bagan sobbing. Jill hugged him tight, gently petting his hair in hopes it'd make him feel a little better. Jill picked Evan up, moving him back to her bed, she laid down and let Evan rest on top of her, letting him cry his eyes out.

Jill sighed before she started humming the tune of You Are My Sunshine. Jill is the closest thing Evan has to a mother, and she wants to treat him as a son she may not ever have. Eventually, Evan fell asleep. Jill moved him so he was on the bed and turned the TV back on for background noise while she went back to her investigation.

[highwaytothedangerzone502]

Foxtrot Alpha Alpha - Chapter 21

Pairing: Hangman x Female OC

Word Count: 2529

Warnings: Swearing, grief, death

Summary: Hangman learned his lesson a long time ago to never show his true feelings when someone's words or actions hurt him. To do so showed weakness that could be exploited, and Seresin men couldn't show weakness. Of course, there was an exception to every rule, and Jake's always came in the form of women, three in particular: his mom, Juliette Kazansky, and the girl whose name he could no longer bring himself to speak. She was the girl that got away; she was his biggest 'what if' and his biggest regret; she would forever be the ghost that haunted his dreams. Jake believed that's where she'd stay, for he would surely never see her again after what he did.

Or so he thought.

Notes: This is the sequel to India Lima Yankee; I'm using the same callsign for the Female OC as in Ghost Story because I just really like it, but they are different characters; chapters in italics are flashbacks

Chapter Songs: Right Where You Left Me Everybody Does

****

Juliette

Of all things Ghost could've said, hearing Hangman nearly got her killed never crossed Juliette's mind, although it certainly explained Ghost's aversion to him and the guilt that seemed to engulf Hangman whenever she appeared. Juliette remembered all too well how the Daggers said Hangman got his name because he would allegedly leave them hanging and go solo, but now she wondered if the callsign originated from a darker place. 

"I'm sorry," Juliette said in embarrassment, ashamed for bringing the topic up despite Ghost's unwavering decision to remain silent on the subject whenever possible. "If you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to. I'm not going to push. I didn't realize-"

"No, no, it's okay. It was going to come up sooner or later." Ghost laughed dryly and shook her head. "The thing is, that's not why I'm upset with him. It'd make so much more sense if that was the reason, but it's not. For better or worse, I know Jake like the back of my hand, and what happened that day... he would never do something that would bring us harm; he made a grave miscalculation that day, and it had unintentional deadly consequences."

Juliette remembered the story Ghost had told her about her WSO, and suddenly, she put two and two together, feeling like an idiot for taking all this time to make the connection. "You're talking about Ghoul, aren't you?"

"Yeah." Ghost bent down to look under the plush rocking chair, studiously avoiding Juliette's gaze. "Back when I told you that she died and that it was a bad training accident, it wasn't a lie, but I didn't tell you the whole thing because I'd have to bring up Hangman, and I couldn't bring myself to speak of him because on top of being furious with him, I also missed him terribly, and it was an awful combination of emotions. Now, it feels stupid to still be so upset with him over the whole thing, but I can't move past it."

"What exactly did he do if you're not mad at him for nearly killing you?"

Ghost reached under the recliner and pulled out the English instructions for the crib. Sitting down, she placed them in front of her and Juliette and began grabbing the pieces for the first step. "Do you remember what happened?"

"Sort of," Juliette admitted, racking her brain for the story from so long ago. "I remember you had to eject, and Ghoul's parachute failed."

"We were in the middle of a training mission. Hangman and Phoenix acted as the enemy; Coyote and I were meant to get them. Phoenix took Coyote out first, but I managed to maneuver behind her right after. Hangman tried to fly between our planes to throw off the lock I was about to get on her, but he misjudged the distance and flew too close in front of me. I blew through his jetwash and lost control of the plane." Ghost wiped her nose with her sleeve and reached for the package of nails, ripping it open and taking out a handful that the instructions told her she needed. Juliette silently held the pieces in place while Ghost screwed them, waiting for her to continue. It took a few minutes before Ghost spoke again, her voice tinged with hurt and sorrow. "I honestly don't remember much after that. I have vague memories of the three of them shouting at me and Ghoul to eject, landing in the rough waters, trying to keep my and Ghoul's heads above the water despite the agonizing pain. I tried lugging us onto the raft, but I had no strength. It was either save myself and let Ghoul go or risk dying with her in the ocean, and I chose the latter. I wasn't-" Ghost's voice hitched- "I wasn't letting her go. I wasn't going to leave her."

"Annalise, I'm so sorry," Jules breathed, reaching for her friend's hand. The words sounded hollow and insincere despite Juliette meaning them wholeheartedly, but nothing could truly console someone who went through what Ghost did. "I can't imagine what that must've been like."

"I woke up in sick bay; I had a neck brace on, my chin bandaged up from when the force of the ejection pushed it into my chest, and a cast on my leg. It'd been fractured during the ejection process. Ghoul's parachute somehow got twisted and never fully opened. Almost every bone in her body broke from the impact of hitting the water. She died before I woke up. I never got to say goodbye, which was one of the hardest things to accept. I couldn't even get out of bed to try and say my apologies and farewells, dead or not, and God, I tried. I tried convincing anyone who would listen to me to help me out of that Godforsaken bed to go see her, but no one listened." Ghost kept her face hidden from view, but Juliette noticed the tears dripping onto her friend's black leggings. Ghost's voice shook now as she struggled to finish her story. "Cyclone visited me first. I'd never seen him so shaken and pale. He's the one who broke the news about Ghoul to me. He also told me that I'd briefly died too. I'd swallowed a lot of seawater without realizing it; it filled up my lungs, and I went into severe respiratory distress because of it. Flatlined and was clinically dead for a few minutes. It's weird- I had a harder time coming to terms with Ghoul's death than comprehending my own. I didn't believe Cyclone when he told me about Ghoul until Coyote visited me. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot, and that's when the truth finally hit me. He stayed at my bedside until I fell asleep and was there when I woke up. Phoenix, Warlock, and a few others dropped in to check on me, but the one person I wanted to see, the one person I needed, never did."

Juliette's shoulders sagged. "Hangman."

"Yeah. At first, I thought it was because he had a thing against hospitals ever since his mom died, but then I learned he'd gone to see Ghoul but not me. That... that one hurt, but I was willing to overlook it because it was Jake, and whether I wanted to admit back then or not, I loved him," Ghost confessed softly, turning the page of the instructions with shaking hands. "I even asked Coyote why Hangman hadn't visited me and to tell him to come see me, and Coyote always said he wasn't sure why, only that he relayed my message to Jake, but, of course, it made no difference. Jake never did. So I tried rationalizing all the reasons why he wouldn't see me and figured it had something to do with his mom, choosing to ignore the fact he had gone to see Ghoul. I convinced myself he'd be waiting for me when I left sick bay. Well, that day came, and Coyote was there, but Hangman wasn't. I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry so badly, but I wouldn't let anyone see that, not even Coyote, despite how well he knew me, and I think that's when the grief started turning into fury. I barely saw Hangman until the trial, and even in those few fleeting moments that I did, even when I purposefully sought him out to talk, he turned and burned to avoid me or came up with some stupid excuse before leaving, like he couldn't even stand to be around me. Do you want to know the first time he tried talking to me willingly?"

Juliette shook her head. "When?"

Ghost scoffed bitterly while wiping away her tears. "After he was cleared of any wrongdoing in the trial. After I defended him in front of the jury and the entire Navy. Then, and only then, did he try to talk to me of his own free will, and by then, I was done with him. I may have defended him wholeheartedly in court, but now I couldn't face him without this surge of anger immediately coursing through me. The worst thing is that I know what I did hurt him. I know that when he tried to approach me after the trial, and all I did was glare at him as I walked by and ignored his request to talk, I could see the pain in his eyes. It took all my willpower not to turn around and forgive him then and there because it was like kicking a puppy, and I knew he blamed himself for Ghoul's death, but my heart had been shattered by so many things in such a short time that the mere idea of letting him back into my life would lead me down the rabbit hole of why I'd kicked him out of it in the first place, followed by the same, gut-wrenching, heart-stopping pain as if it were the very first day of the accident, and I couldn't- I couldn't do it. I'd rather feel nothing than feel like that ever again."

Juliette wiped away her own tears, moved by the visible emotion of Ghost, someone she'd never seen cry over another person, let alone cry at all. "It's terrifying to give your heart and trust to someone after they broke it, especially when you love them the way I believe you loved Hangman. It's like giving someone a knife after they just stabbed you and trusting them not to do it again."

"Is that how you felt with Rooster when he came back?"

"Yeah..." What Juliette failed to add was that if they compared situations, she would be the Hangman in hers, and Rooster would be Ghost. Juliette had been the one to break Rooster's trust by keeping a life-altering secret from him, no matter the good reasons she had for doing so. However, now wasn't the time to tell Ghost that. Dredging up these memories had taken a toll on her that Juliette had never seen before in her friend, and she did not want to add to the stress of it all by trying to defend Hangman's actions. Perhaps at a later time...

"Everyone believes I hate him because he nearly got me killed, and I let them because outside of a handful of people that I can literally count on one hand, including you, they'd think it's stupid for me to hold this grudge against him because he ignored me while I was incapacitated. I can't explain why I had such a strong reaction to it other than I loved him, and he'd given no reason for me to suspect he'd leave me hanging when I needed him most. Even Jackie and my parents think it's ridiculous that I haven't spoken to him in all these years; they don't bring it up because I'm their daughter, but knowing they feel that way makes it all the worse and makes me feel like I'm being over-dramatic and a fool, and then I hate myself for feeling the way I do-" 

Ghost suddenly crumpled in on herself, bracing her elbows on her knees and burying her face into her hands in a futile attempt to hide her body-wracking sobs. Juliette scooted next to her friend as fast as her pregnant belly would allow her and pulled Ghost into a tight side hug. 

"Listen to me, Annalise-" Juliette said tenderly yet firmly- "it's okay to be hurt by what Hangman did; he made you feel abandoned during a time you needed him most. Add in the extreme trauma of what you went through- physically, mentally, and emotionally- I'm sure that had a part in how strongly you reacted to the situation, and that's okay, too, regardless of what others say. Do not hate yourself for feeling the way you do. No one else's opinion matters on the subject but yours. If you feel that you still need to be upset with him, then do that. Fuck everyone else."

Ghost pulled away and offered a tiny but grateful smile through her tears. "Thank you. You're the first person I've told all that too. Not even my parents and Jackie know all of it. Not the bit about feeling stupid and over-dramatic, at least. But I'm so sorry for dumping this all on you. We should be building cribs, not having an impromptu therapy session where it stresses you out and raises your blood pr-"

"No, no, no, you're not stressing me out. I'm glad you finally told me. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell everything."

"I would've told you dinner the day after I arrived, but I'd seen how close you and Jake were at the Hard Deck and didn't want to put you in this uncomfortable position where you felt like you had to choose one friend over another. That's not fair to you. You've already gotten dragged into our shit more than you should've."

"Actually, outside of the first night, you two have been relatively cordial around each other in front of everyone."

Ghost winced. "I was pretty brutal to him that night. I wasn't expecting him to be there and lashed out, which isn't an excuse, but I took a cheap shot with my 'watery grave' comment. I felt guilty the moment I said it." 

"We've all said things we regret. It happens, but I think you can come back from it if you ever want to make amends with him."

"Part of me does, part of me doesn't. Not going to lie, half of the reason I sounded so exhausted this morning is I was up half the night crying because of that dilemma. I don't know what to do, and I don't like not knowing things, no matter what it may be."

"And the other half?"

"I mean, it still was from crying, but I was missing Ghoul badly yesterday. For the past few years, I've celebrated her birthday by myself, but last night, Hangman and Coyote joined, and it reminded me of the good old times when it was us and Ghoul. I miss those times. I miss Hangman. He was my best friend. My home..." Juliette understood all too well the ache that Ghost spoke of, and she opened her mouth to empathize with her friend, but Ghost sniffled and said, "We should probably get a move on if we're to get one of these done before the boys get home?"

Recognizing Ghost's desire to shift topics of conversation for now, Juliette obliged and handed her the next piece of the crib. "Don't worry. Bradley and Jake are great partners in the air. On the ground, they're a walking disaster. I bet it'll take them at least an hour to get dinner. Probably longer."

The comment caused Ghost to chuckle, and the girls set to work building the crib. Juliette ensured none of their conversation included Hangman, namely for Ghost's sake, but her interest in the topic was piqued exponentially. There were two sides to every story, and now she had to learn Hangman's. 

****

Tags: @lgg5989 @shanimallina87 @polikszena @summ3rlotus @icemansgirl1999 @supernaturaldawning @thedarkinmansfield @lyannaforpresident @lapilark @getmyprettynameoutofyourmouth @simpofthecentury @shadeops21 @pansexualwitchwhoneedstherapy @double-j @bradshawsandbridgetons @catsandgeekyandnerd @peachiicherries @multifandomcnova @fandomsstolemylife00 @bookloverhorses @mak-32 @midnightmagpiemama @luckyladycreator2 @ellamae021 @kmc1989

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[sparkles-oflight]

Okay, I just remembered I forgot to tell y'all why I got a little sad yesterday (I know nobody cares, but I like to write my thoughts and feelings into the void, aka, Tumblr).

So, I live near the university campus, in Braga, which is like 30/40 minutes by car away from my hometown. When my dad came to pick me up from the train in Lisbon, he asked whether I had talked to my mom on my birthday. And I was like "yeah, we texted and she told me to call her once we got home and etc etc". Anyways, he said "Did she come by to Braga to kiss you today?" - mind you, I turned 20 yesterday.

And to me, that was something I didn't even consider. I knew my mom wouldn't come because...well home reasons. But that reminded when my dad came all the way from Torres Vedras (3h by car away from my hometown) to spend sometime with me on my 18th birthday...

Which, I know my mom doesn't have to do nothing of the sorts...but it reminded me that she usually never puts a lot of effort into my birthdays.

I'm sorry for my first world problem rant (I swear, last year I was down so bad because I was sad I wasn't going to get a birthday cake and I was feeling so shitty because THAT was my biggest complaint when there's people in way worse situations), it's just that for this birthday I didn't have any expectations (which made things sooo much better for me) and when my dad said that to me it clicked something on my brain

[avatarskywalker78]

It's Work-in-Progress Wednesday and I've been working on a couple of them! First up is, of course, from the first part of my Aquafam AU, this time from Arthur's POV, just after the revelation about what Orvax had been telling his brother (Arthur is...very pissed off, and very worried)

Orvax had been a bastard. Arthur had known this, even before he knew of Orm’s existence, and he’d been well aware of how pervasive his influence was, knew he was the reason Orm had turned out like he did, and it had been a real battle at times not to insult the man, because despite everything, Orm still got very defensive. And Arthur didn’t want to jeopardize their relationship so he’d been waiting for the day when his brother admitted he’d been a shitty father. But this. The fact that not only had Orvax sacrificed Mom to the Trench in a jealous rage, but had then turned around and convinced their son that Arthur would come to kill him— It made him angry. It made him furious. Not once had he ever considered killing his little brother, and it was a good thing that Orvax was dead, because…what kind of parent did that? One who didn’t deserve to be called a parent, that's for damn sure – the fact Orm had tried to deflect, had visibly tried to stop himself crying, had told him everything. Bastard. He hoped Orvax was rotting in whatever the Atlantean equivalent of Hell was.

(All the Currys hate Orvax, by the by - Maia and Arthur both voice this thought later on)

I also started working on my Firefly AU. This part is from Mal's POV - it's his kid's birthday, but he thinks she died on Shadow as a seven-year-old, so he's feeling awful and very guilty about everything.

Sophia would've been eighteen today. Mal always remembered her birthday, had known this particular milestone-that-wasn't was coming and had been feeling steadily worse about it for several weeks, and as he sat up the grief hit him like a freight train, as it always did. Eighteen. His daughter would've been eighteen. She'd have been taking her first steps into becoming a young woman down whatever path she'd chosen for herself and Mal knew he would've been so proud of her in whatever field she'd chosen, knew in his heart that she'd have succeeded... But she'd never gotten the chance - hadn't even gotten the chance to grow up, and as he reached inside the cabinet for the only image he had left of her, the guilt threatened to swamp him again as he looked at the bright, smiling six-year-old. It had cost a lot to get the camera, all those years ago, but he'd wanted to preserve the memories, be able to keep the memories of his kid and his best friend. If only he'd known. If only he'd realised how much danger they'd be in- This was, Mal knew, an utterly useless line of thinking. Point was, he hadn't known, and he hadn't been there, and no amount of wishing would get them back.

(Sophia and Xiulan turn out to be alive, but that doesn't erase the years worth of grief).

Tagging (let me know if you want to be added or removed): @shrinkthisviolet

[ashboy-3]

Her Name is Chōwa

Prompt: Naruto gains a child Fandom: Naruto Words: 11,219 Summary: Naruto has been a boy for as long as he can remember, one night some find out that he's not as full of a boy as he has everyone fooled. Jiraya soon takes him on a training mission and now he has a toddler following him. What happened in those three years?

Ao3 Link

Naruto was a small child when he first started to figure out who he was. He was a boy that was put into a girl’s body, it really wasn't that hard to wrap your head around, but It was hard for the villagers to like him, much less accept him. Naruko had always had short hair, but around the age of four, she cut it herself by giving herself a haircut as all the little boys had. Naruko had asked the Hokage for shorts and pants meant for boys instead of girls and he listened, it always seemed like the third Hokage was the only one who understood him, but he wasn't old enough or had enough training to master a henge to truly look how he wanted. Around the age of five, the Hokage showed her an altered birth certificate that had the name Naruto instead of Naruko showing that he got her name changed. It was around the age of five that the Hokage now called her a boy instead of a girl. It made Naruto so happy and none of the villagers had any clue that Naruto was originally a girl.

Naruto was thirteen and had a nasty run-in with some villagers. It was right after he was failed in returning Sasuke to the village and he didn’t have enough energy to keep his carefully crafted henge, but he did always keep his original appearance as close as possible. Just appearing more flat-chested and a little bit longer hair, seeing as he had yet to get his hair cut.

A few angry villagers chased him and gave Naruto a rough night, a night he will never discuss with anyone, but he did confide in two people. He confided in Iruka what happened that night and he confided in Jiraya, his soon-to-be mentor. The three of them crafted the perfect plan to get Naruto out of the sight of everyone and keep the secret Naruto had.

“Is this the right thing to do?” Naruto asked, holding his stomach.

“It’s your choice Naruto, no one else can make it for you,” Iruka told him as he handed Naruto some hot tea to calm him down.

“I don’t want anyone to know. I want to keep this circle as small as possible. You know, Jiraya, and Tsunade and that’s it. The seal should hold the nine tails and we’ve been talking. I’ve been making deals. He doesn’t escape and I give him freedom, he just has to stay with me so he doesn’t get locked up in someone worse,” Naruto explained to his teacher.

“You’ve been talking to the nine tails!” Iruka said shocked.

“He’s really nice. He’s always talked to me, but he tells me stories about my mom and dad. I know his name and he’s been a good friend to me. He doesn’t want to leave me and I don’t want him to leave me. I’ll go with Jiraya and in nine months Tsunade will meet us outside the village as I deliver my baby. You will stay here and help Tsunade build us a safe place for me to raise her where no one will know, and Kyuubi already said that he would babysit while I go on missions and make a living for all of us,” Naruto said with determination.

“You don’t want to tell anyone, not Kakashi or Sakura, not even Saskue?” Iruka asked.

“No, then I would have to tell them I’m a girl and that I’ve be carrying a baby, but I am a man,” Naruto said with a look that dared Iruka to fight him.

“Okay Naruto I’ll keep your secret and just so you know I’m free to babysit as well if you need it,” Iruka told him as Naruto gave a smile and the two parted ways, Naruto walking towards the gate to meet Jiraya.

“I’ll be back in three years,” Naruto told the group of rookies as they all waited to say bye to him.

“We’ll miss you,” Sakura told him, everyone else joining in and soft troublesome from Shikamaru.

“I’ll miss you guys too,” Naruto said with a sad smile, walking out of the village.

XXXNINE MONTHS LATERXXX

“C’mon Naruto I see the head I just need you to give me one more push!” Tsunade said in a small cave hidden from the outside world, her only guard with her being Iruka and Jiraya, the two waiting outside the cave, per Naruto’s request.

It was a painful ordeal and a long one, but soon a beautiful girl was born with the nine tails still safely within Naruto, keeping his promise.

Naruto just wanted to hold his daughter but was denied as Tsunade took a washcloth and gently cleaned the baby and wrapped her in a blanket and placed her within the young teen’s hands as he and his daughter cried together.

“She’s beautiful,” Naruto said, out of breath, but happy as he looked at his daughter, no sign of whiskers on her checks but beautiful blue eyes, his eyes and he could see red hair, the same hair he was told his mother had. If he looked closely enough he saw parts of her that weren't his, parts that could only come from the other half, but Naruto refused to acknowledge those parts. She was his and he would never let anything happen to her.

Naruto still wasn't ready to see the other two men, but he also knew that they were worried so with a soft smile he said they could come in.

“She’s beautiful,” Iruka said as he asked to hold her, his daughter getting passed between the two mentors.

“She looks like a perfect mix between your parents,” Jiraya said with a laugh, tickling her small stomach.

“She’s perfect in every way. Her ten fingers, her ten toes, her two eyes. I love her,” Naruto said, already asking to hold her again. The three adults laughed at the teen parent, but would never keep the child from him.

“Have you thought of a name yet?” Iruka asked

“Chōwa,” Naruto said holding her and looking her in her beautiful eyes, eyes that matched his perfectly. Eyes that would clearly give away who’s child this was in the future, but for now Naruto was just going to focus on holding her.

It was a surprise to the adults when Naruto took a deep breath and said, “Yes of course you can hold her.” a grown man with long messy red hair and sharp yellow eyes with sharp teeth showed out, using chakra to maintain a human form and held the child in his arms.

“What do ya think?” Naruto asked the nine tails fox, happy that the adults in his life trusted him enough to let the fox run free.

“She’s a beautiful little kit. You did a good job kit!” the man said happily holding her, making Naruto laugh.

“You can’t call us both kits.”

“That’s right. It would get too confusing. You will now be Ko and Naruto can remain Kit,” Kurama said happily to the girl, giving her back to Naruto and going back into the mind-space to take a nap himself.

“How is the house coming along?” Naruto asked.

“We found a secured space within the woods, and we’ve started building it. It’s high in the trees and all ninjas are told to not enter the property by order of the Hokage. We plan to have four rooms, two bathrooms, one living room, and one kitchen. A room for you, Chōwa, the nine tails, and an extra guest room. We weren’t sure if the nine tails needed a room, but we did it as a just in case,” Tsunade explained, finally cleaned up.

“And he appreciates the thought that he has his own space away from me from time to time. It should be her third birthday by the time I come back to the village,” Naruto said, already sad that she would be growing up.

“She will grow, but treasurer the time you have with her. We will be staying the night, but in the morning, we will be heading back to the village. I can’t be gone too long or else the council will start asking questions.

“Tsunade before you go, I need you to promise me something,” Naruto spoke in a serious tone.

“What do you need?” she asked.

“My child will start at the academy at the age of five. I have already decided this and once she starts to walk properly, I will start to train her. The council is to not make her the next container. I don’t care if I die or if she’s perfect for the task. Once the council finds out she’s my daughter they will do everything in their power to bend her to their will. Chōwa Namikaze will not be a pawn in their stupid power game,” Naruto said, shocking the adults at the fact that he named her Namikaze.

“I promise Naruto,” Tsunade said with determination.

“Good but for now I’m sleepy and so is the little kit,” Naruto said, not noticing how easily he called the child a baby fox.

XXX THREE YEARS LATER XXX

“It’s time to go back,” Jiraya said, waking up the sleeping teen, cuddling with a small child. “You to Chōwa. It’s time to get up,” Jiraya shook both of them gently.

“Ojisan?” Chōwa answered slowly opening her eyes, not ready to be awake for the day, but she was turning three soon and a toddler will have more energy than a baby.

“Papa wakes up,” Chōwa said, gently jumping on her father, making Jiraya laugh, wondering if this is what Naruto would be doing to Minato if his student was still alive.

“I’m up Chōwa! I’m up!” Naruto said yawning but getting up and grabbing what he needs to make a small breakfast for all three of them, Jiraya used to stop him, saying that they could just go to the closet town, but Naruto refused to have his child being raised on take out.

“Good news Chōwa! We’re finally going home,” Jiraya told her as she jumped up and down, her red hair now touching her shoulders from Naruto’s refusal to cut it.

“If she wants it cut I’ll cut it, but until then it will stay long,” Naruto told him a year ago when he noticed it getting long.

“Is this the place that you and papa are always talking about?” Chōwa asked chewing her toast and eggs happily, talking a mile a minute. She takes after her father for sure. The second she learned to speak she didn’t stop.

“Yep, and we’re finally going back. This also means that Daddy will be watching over you more, while I go to work more, but I’ll also start to train you,” Naruto told her as her face lit up.

“Really!! That’s amazing thank you Papa!” the three-year-old cheered, speaking so well for someone so young, but she was smart, and Naruto taught her every day. He was not going to let her grow up like he had to.

“Before we go, we still have to pack up,” Naruto told her sternly, meaning that whatever task she could do with her little hands she had to do.

“Okay Papa,” she said sadly, but helping anyways.

XXX TWO DAYS LATER XXX

It was two days, but Naruto could see the gate to the village hidden in the leaves.

“Chōwa do not run to those gates. We must drop you off at our new house first,” Naruto said carrying her as he shushined to where Tsunade said to meet her.

“She’s grown so much since I’ve seen her! She’s very healthy too,” Tsunade said with a laugh.

“Talks a mile a minute as well,” Naruto said as the toddler looked between the two.

“Papa who is this?” Chōwa asked.

“I told you about her. You know how Jiraya is you Oji?” Naruto asked her as she shook her head yes, “Well this is Tsunade and she is your Bachan,” Naruto told her as the girl had big eyes.

“I’ve been with your father for a long time now and I helped build your new house,” Tsunade said touching the girl on her nose making her laugh.

“You’re silly!” the toddler said as the Hokage laughed.

“Follow me and she can meet Iruka later. We need to get you to walk through those gates,” Tsunade said as she bought him to the house. Naruto was amazed at the house that was clearly hidden in the tops of the trees and he didn’t know how they did it, but with nets all under they could easily catch the child if she was to fall. It had a simple way to get up, plus a more difficult, meant for Naruto when he had to go on missions.

“It’s perfect Tsunade, thank you!” Naruto said happily as he walked into the house, reminding himself to thank Iruka as well.

“You have everything set up for the first few months, food, water, cooking supplies, bathing supplies, we even got some toys and entertainment for young Chōwa here and we didn’t forget about the old fox. We were told he likes to read so we gave him his own room filled with books and not just Icha Icha,” Tsunade said, as Naruto let the young toddler explore her room while calling said old fox.

“I’m here I’m here!” I’ll watch Ko,” Kurama said, this time just appearing as a big fox, knowing the toddler will want to use him like a pony.

“Thank you for this,” Naruto told him.

“Don’t worry about it, Kit. She’s kinda grown on me, kinda like you. I’ll start her training and then we’ll also go through some more reading and spelling exercises,” Kurama said, dreading teaching the child human society basics, much happier to teach her ninja techniques.

“We’re back in the village so soon all the schooling will be taken over by Iruka,” Naruto told him as the fox gave a grateful bark, making Chōwa laugh.

“I have to go and meet Jiraya now. I’ll see you in a few hours Chōwa!” Naruto told her, giving his daughter a big hug.

“Bye Papa! See you soon!” Chōwa screamed loudly as he appeared close to the gates again.

“Ready kid?” Jiraya asked from where he was sitting next to the tree writing for his new novel.

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” Naruto answered as the two packed everything up and started to walk to the gates.

“Is that? Izumo asked, blinking rapidly, and cleaning his eyes, as he noticed the two figures approaching.

“It has to be! Those three years must be up!” Kotetsu said as the two quickly opened the gates as the two figures got closer and closer.

“Naruto how ya been!” Izumo asked, Kotetsu already running ahead to alert the village, specifically the rookie nine and the Hokage.

“I’ve been great Izumo! Jiraya-sensei taught me so much! I’ll have to show you one day!” Naruto said happily, giving the other guy a fist bump.

“Is Naruto really back!” Choji asked running to the gate, Ino, and Shikamaru not far behind him. “He is! It’s him,” Ten-Ten shouted Lee running behind her Neji walking at a slow pace, but Naruto knew he was happy to see him.

It didn’t take long, and all the rookies were greeting Naruto and telling them how much they missed him, what he missed while he was gone, but Naruto could only admit to himself that he had Chōwa waiting for him back home. The amount of pride within him that he wanted to shout and tell them about his daughter was hard to fight, but he knew he had to keep this a secret. Not only to protect his secrets but because he’s not ready to tell anyone what happened that night.

“We should go to Ichiraku’s!” Rock Lee suggested, Sakura and Ino agreeing with him everyone soon joining in, knowing it was Naruto’s favorite place to eat.

“Sure, why not, but I can’t spend long there,” he told them, ignoring their questioning looks.

“Is that Naruto?”

“Hey, old man! Miss me?” Naruto asked Techi, the old Ramen maker.

“Here it’s on the house! Miso, right?” he asked Naruto, his friends laughing at him, but Naruto as he ate only wanted to share this joy with his daughter, if only she liked miso ramen as much as he did.

“Thanks! Can you actually make me some chicken ramen to go?” Naruto asked.

“You come back and you’re already eating ramen for every meal!” Sakura lectured him, training with Tsunade really did a lot for him.

“Sorry, Sakura! I know it’s not healthy, but I need something to eat later! I still have to go food shopping!” Naruto told her, as she sighed, but relented.

It was as Naruto handed the yen to the shop maker that his money was shoved back. “Pay me next time Naruto. Like I said this time is on the house,” Techi said, giving Naruto his bag of Ramen as Naruto told him thank you.

“Alright, guys I have to head home! We’ll have to meet up tomorrow!” Naruto told them, walking in the direction of his new house.

“Waaahh Naruto, you live this way, plus now that I mention it you smell different?” Kiba said sniffing the air.

“What could I possibly smell like?” Naruto asked him, panicking on the inside.

“Theirs’s a part that I can’t place, but you do smell more like a fox than you did before,” Kiba said, scratching his head.

“Well, if that’s all I have to go,” and the next second the young ninja was gone nowhere to be seen.

“Huh weird?” Kiba said scratching his head.

“What is it?” Ino asked.

“Naruto still went in the same direction as he was going, he didn’t go towards his apartment at all,” Shikamaru said lazily, not at all really caring.

“I’m back!” Naruto said walking through the door.

“Papa!” Chōwa stood up from where she was sitting on Kurama, reading a book to greet her only parent with a hug.

“Hey, kit! Aren’t you supposed to be asleep?” Naruto asked.

“Kurama said I could stay up and wait for you!” Chōwa said happily, not really caring that Naruto wanted his child to get a full night's sleep.

“Okay well I’m here now and next time you have a bedtime you have to listen. Let’s get you to sleep,” Naruto said walking to her bed, laying her down, and tucking her in.

It made Naruto smile that his daughter was finally sleeping in a bed, not a tent outside, not a random hotel for the night, her bed.

“Night kit,” Naruto said softly.

“Night Papa,” Chōwa said softly as Naruto walked out of the room, softly closing the door.

“I already put the ramen you have in the fridge. Please tell me that we are not putting her on a full ramen-only diet?” Kurama asked, coming up behind Naruto in a human form and giving him a hug.

“No, we are not feeding our daughter only ramen. We will make it a prize if she does good. I don’t want her traveling around the village alone at all till she’s seven and can protect herself. I’m fully aware that she’s starting school in two years, but she’s only three,” Naruto told the old fox, the two walking to the living room, not wanting the young child to overhear.

“Are you ever going to tell your friends about her, about us?” Kurama rubbed a soothing hand over Naruto’s back.

“What am I supposed to tell them. This is my daughter, you know the one that you didn’t know I had at the age of thirteen, oh and by the way, the demon fox the fourth locked away is within me and I fell in love with him because I’m crazy enough to do just that!” Naruto said with a laugh.

“Kit, I feel like you should let them know. It will be easier,” Kurama pointed out politely.

“No. it will make everything worse. You are the only one who knows about that night, and I don’t want to remember it. Her birth certificate has me as the mother and you as the father so no one can say anything different. She knows to keep your name a secret and when I send her to school a fox summons will follow her every day,” Naruto said with a tone that is final.

“Let’s just go to sleep. Iruka is coming over tomorrow to see her and then I need to talk to Tsunade about taking private missions,” Naruto told him, getting up and going to his room, Kurama following so both don’t go to bed angry.

“I love you kit.”

“Love you to Kurama.”

XXX THE NEXT DAY XXX

“Are you coming with me Kuruma or am I summoning a fox?” Naruto asked as he ran around getting dressed, breakfast already made and Chōwa already eating.

“Do I look dressed to you brat! I’ll guard Ko,” the red-haired man said as he flipped another pancake and quickly shoved it in Naruto’s mouth with a quick kiss on the cheek he pushed the blonde out of the house, making Naruto think fast and stick his feet to the tree.

“Motherfucker ya old fox!” Naruto yelled as Kuruma yelled back a strong, “language.” The two already discussed to not curse in front of the child.

“Don’t forget-!” Naruto started but was yelled back “About Iruka! I know! Now go and talk to Tsunade!” Kuruma yelled, getting tired of the blonde.

It was as Naruto made it to the forest border that Kakashi appeared right in front of him, scaring the blonde.

“What the fuck Kakashi!” Naruto shouted, falling to the ground.

“Be aware of your surroundings Naruto! What were you doing in the forest?” the grey-haired ninja asked.

“I was aware! I wasn't doing anything in the forest. I was actually on my way to see Bachan!” Naruto said happily and quickly changing the topic.

“Really so was I! Sakura is supposed to meet me now that I have my team back!” Kakashi said happily, making it to where Naruto would have to go with him.

“Nosy ninja,” Naruto mumbled under his breath.

“What was that Naruto?” Kakashi asked happily toying with his student.

“Nothing!” Naruto shouted as the two approached the Hokage tower, meeting Sakura at the bottom.

“Oh good! Naruto you got the memo! I forget to tell you last night!” Sakura said happily.

“Yep! It was last minute, but I heard about it! Let’s not keep Bachan waiting!” Naruto said happily, marching in front of his teammates like he was thirteen again, like he was a child again.

“Bachan!” Naruto shouted opening her door, not even bothering to knock.

“Naruto is just the person I wanted to see! I’m so sorry Kakashi Sakura can the two of you step outside for a moment. I need to talk to Naruto about something,” Tsunade asked, making the other two look shocked, Kakashi hiding his better.

“Now that they're gone. I need to talk to you about going on solo missions. I passed chuunin and Jounin while I was with Jiraya. Both you and Gaara have passed me. Either I take ANBU test, I go on solo missions, or I do both,” Naruto told her.

“Does anyone here know of your rank yet?” Tsunade asked.

“No, I haven’t told them. They don’t know my rank, where I live, who lives with me, or even what I did in those three years,” Naruto answered honestly.

“You’ve trained with both Jiraya and the Nine tails, correct?” Tsunade asked, going into Hokage mode.

“I have also practiced sage mode with the toads and have trained to master the fox techniques,” Naruto answered.

“I now present you with the ANBU mask. You shall now be called the fox,” Tsunade said, handing Naruto a mask with the shape of a fox on it. “I already have a mission for you. It’s to remain undercover with team nine. It seems counter-productive and yes you still get paid, but I’m giving you a new teammate. His name is Sai and he’s part of Root, Danzo’s organization. I need you to find out what you can from him and then take it down,” Tsunade ordered.

“Of course, my Hokage,” Naruto answered seriously, before taking the mask off and letting his teammates and sensei in.

“Now team nine to remain a team you need three members. Seeing as Saskue is gone I had to find a replacement. Meet Sai,” Tsunade said, a random ANBU member escorting the young ninja in.

“Sai these are your new teammates. Kakashi is your captain, Naruto, and Sakura,” Tsunade introduced them.

“It is nice to meet you forehead and dickless,” Sai said politely as he bowed, Kakashi holding back both of his students from beating the kid to a pulp.

“We’ll have to work on your manners,” Kakashi said mostly to Sai only.

“That’s not all. I will also be giving you another teammate. Meet Yamato,” Tsunade introduced the new adult, as she explained will be sharing duties with Kakashi.

Naruto felt something off about the guy and he was right as Tsunade talked. “He has the blood of the first Hokage in him, letting him trap sealed tailed beast for a short amount of time,” Tsunade explained.

“I’m not working with him!” Naruto shouted, shocking his other two team members.

“I’m not adding him to block the nine tails,” Tsunade quickly said.

“I don’t care. Just because you order him not to doesn't mean he will listen. The second he sees the fox as a threat he’s going to use the wood seal on me or him. I will not allow him to hurt my family!” Naruto said, eyes going yellow. It didn’t help that he and Kurama are always connected so both were putting their full emotion into what they were saying.

Yamato quickly put a hand up, seeing Naruto’s eyes go yellow, but Tsunade quickly stopped him. “Naruto, I swear as Hokage the only time Yamato has my full permission to use his seals on you is if the nine tails try to attack the village,” Tsunade said as she took a shot of sake to calm herself, pouring another one for the young ninja.

“Have a sip and calm yourself,” she told him, talking to the fox as well.

“I will protect my family with all my power,” the mixed voices said, taking the shot like it was nothing, in Naruto’s defense it was mostly the fox taking the shot and not the sixteen-year-old.

“I know. I already sent Iruka. Yamato is here to further your training as well as to help Sai get accustomed and improve his social skills,” Tsunade explained.

“Do we have a mission then?” Naruto asked.

“I have a mission for Yamato, Sakura, and Sai. Naruto and Kakashi I need you both here. Yamato will take his team to Suna and deliver this mission to Gaara. Kakashi, I need you to test how much Naruto has improved,” Tsunade said with an evil smirk as Naruto glared at her, knowing full well he wasn't ready to leave the village again just yet.

“Yes Hokage,” they all said as they bowed and left the tower, Iruka approaching the outside, happy to finally see Naruto.

“Naruto I’m so happy to see you!” the older ninja said.

“I missed you too,” Naruto said happily hugging the man back.

“Meh Naruto we have a mission!” Kakashi said, reminding the younger ninja.

“What we have is a training exercise. One I will happily do tomorrow. I promised Iruka I would spend the day with him,” the blonde said walking towards the forest, the same forest Kakashi met him in earlier.

“Kakashi has Naruto been acting weird?” Sakura asked.

“Yeah, and I’m gonna find out what it is,” Kakashi told her, getting ready to put his old ANBU skills to the test and follow the two.

“So how is she since the last time I saw little Chōwa?” Iruka asked the blonde.

“The last time you saw the kit was when she was a baby. What do you think? She’s a hyperactive toddler who wants to do nothing but run all day. I did promise Kyuubi that you would take over her studies. He really doesn’t enjoy teaching basic writing or maths. He’s happy to keep with her ninja skills of course,” Naruto said laughing, a certain look in his eyes anytime he brings the fox up.

“Naruto. . .do you love the nine tails?” Iruka asked, the two finally made it to the forest.

“What!? No! Why would I love the man who saved me and helped me through my trauma? The one who was my first friend! The who freely watches over Chōwa whenever I need him to! The one who loves this little girl as much as I do! The one who cuddles me and makes me feel not so alone anytime I’m sad?” Naruto didn’t know if he was deflecting, letting his emotions out, or just asking questions, but as he spoke Iruka gave Naruto a big hug and looked the blonde in the eyes.

“Naruto. You can love whoever you want. You have every right to love the fox as much as I would love any human. He’s been there for you and if you love him then don’t hide it from those of us who are your friends and family,” Iruka told him, making a few tears come to Naruto’s eyes as he hugged Iruka back.

“I love that old fox with all my heart!” Naruto told him, “Last night I put Chōwa to bed and we talked about her diet. I said our daughter. Not mine, not his, but ours! I want to tell the whole world how I feel about him, but I can’t do that,” Naruto said sadly, Iruka looking at him with sad-filled eyes, knowing the council would not only shut down the relationship but probably try and take Chōwa as well.

“You have me, and two Sanin on your side with this. No one is going to take your family away,” Iruka told him, the two arriving at the house, not noticing Kakashi hiding in the trees, shocked, not only at what he heard but by what he saw.

Naruto opened the door and was greeted by a man with clearly sharp teeth, sharp yellow eyes, and long mangy red hair, a child hopping around him, running right into Naruto’s arms as Naruto gave one of the biggest smiles he could and greeted the man with a short and sweet kiss. It looked so domestic for a kid of sixteen.

Kakashi knew he wouldn’t be able to keep this a secret and knew he had to come out from hiding and just say it, so with a deep breath, he got out of his hiding and knocked on the door that was just closed.

“Who the fudge is at the door?” Naruto asked shocked and scared holding Chōwa, knowing that only two other people should know where he is, but neither planned on coming by.

“Calm down. I’ll get it,” Iruka reassured the boy, opening the door to reveal Kakashi smiling happily.

“Hey, their!” the older ninja said happily, causing Naruto’s eyes to widen, giving his daughter to Kurama as he quickly vanished into one of the rooms.

“Is saying that I followed you and Iruka a bad response. I was worried about my little genin and wanted to make sure he was doing okay,” Kakashi said, guilt clearly hidden very well in his eyes.

“This could be a good opportunity to start letting people you trust in,” Iruka suggested, still not letting the man in the house.

“When did you become my therapist?” Naruto asked sarcastically.

“How about when I started to help, you’re every need when you were like five,” Iruka responded back sarcastically, the two truly did have a brother-like relationship with each other in the grey-haired ninja’s eyes.

“Fine but I still don’t want any of the rookies to know,” Naruto said with a threatening glare that promised pain if any of them were to say anything.

“I won’t say anything,” Kakashi promised, as Naruto sighed and relented, “Let him in,” Naruto said as Iruka moved out of the way, giving Kakashi a warning glare.

“Chōwa come here! I have someone I want you to meet!” Naruto yelled and Kakashi was once again truly surprised when a small child, who couldn’t be more than three ran right for Naruto.

“Papa who is this! Is this a new friend?” the girl, Chōwa, asked.

“Remember when Papa tells you stories about how he was as a child?” Naruto asked the girl.

“Yeah! You talk about so many people! The lazy one, the pink one! The one you said was emo!” Chōwa said happily, making Naruto laugh.

“Look at you and your good memory. Well, this man is someone from Papa’s stories. This is my teacher his name is Kakashi,” Naruto told her and when the girl looked at the grey-haired ninja, her big eyes looking right at his, Kakashi saw how they matched Naruto’s perfectly. The long red hair made her a true mix of what everyone thought Minato and Kushina’s kids were going to look like.

“Kashi?” Chōwa asked, “Is he going to be like big brother Iruka and teach me new things?” she asked excitedly.

“No,” Naruto quickly said, not leaving any room for argument. “Iruka is going to take over your studies, but Daddy is still going to be in charge of your training,” Naruto said, sticking with his original plan.

“Why don’t we train with Ojisan anymore?” Chōwa asked in her three-year-old innocence.

“Oji-san is trying to find a seal for me. He’s helping me cure Daddy of his illness,” Naruto told her.

“Oh Okay,” she said sadly, but Iruka, knowing that Naruto still had to explain the fox to him, quickly grabbed the girl and bought her to her room, not only to give the three privacies but also so he could start on the child’s studies.

“Remind me to tell Iruka thank you,” Naruto said leaning into the red-haired man.

“Him! I’ll remind you to thank me,” the red-haired man said shocked.

“Kakashi meet-,” Naruto started but was cut off by Kurama shoving his hand for a handshake finishing the sentence, “Kurama. My name is Kurama,”

“Kakashi,” the grey-haired ninja said, taking the hand. “Is she your daughter?” Kakashi asked Kurama.

The two men before him exchanged a look before Naruto gave a small nod, letting Kurama tell the whole truth. “Nope. I just raise her as if she’s my own. Naruto here is the true miracle worker,” Kurama praised as if he was a regular villager.

“Naruto! When did this happen?” Kakashi asked.

“When I was still in the village. I had a rough night. Jiraya and Tsunade knew so they took me out of the village for three years. In those years I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and fell in love all while reaching ANBU rank that was agreed on by both Tsunade and Gaara,” Naruto told him, sitting down on the couch, Kurama sitting with him, offering the side chair to Kakashi.

“You’re a boy! How can you give birth?” Kakashi asked.

“Nice of you to say, but I was born a girl. I hated it and decided to become a boy. Tsunade already said that she was going to start performing the surgeries I need when I reach the age of eighteen,” Naruto told him, trying to get more comfortable with being himself.

“So you knowingly slept with someone at that young of an age?!” Kakashi asked shocked, only for Kurama to interrupt him.

“Hey! You have no idea what he had to go through! Never assume that what happed that night was something Naruto wanted!” Kurama said harshly.

“It’s okay Rama. I’m fine. I’m still not going to talk about it, but I’m leaving it in the past. The kit is never going to meet that man and you already made sure no one will ever find him. Let’s just forget about that night,” Naruto said softly, trying to quickly stop a fight that could break out.

“So how are you sick and how did you meet Naruto?” Kakashi asked.

“I’ve known him all my life. Jiraya and Naruto are both trying to make a seal that will safely remove me from Naruto but keep me as human. I can only remain in this form if I’m sealed away. They said that they might have a solution, but I’m not sure how close they’ve gotten,” Kurama answered as Kakashi’s eyes widened.

“You’re the nine tails!” Kakashi said shocked.

“Sure am, and for what it’s worth I didn’t want to attack the village that night I was being controlled, but I already let Tsunade know and we’re working on fixing that. I honestly just want to live and be with my family,” Kurama said and as Kakashi looked in the fox’s eyes all he saw was true and raw honesty.

“So, what’s the plan?” Kakashi asked, referring to making Kurama at least somewhat human.

“Learning about Yamato has given me an idea. I can’t fully remove Kurama without dying so I need Yamato to make a small wooden square. I can make a seal to seal in large amounts of Chakra and Kurama can pulse large chunks into it, thus making a necklace that he can draw chakra from to remain in human form, and anytime it feels like it’s getting low we can just refuel it, but I think that if enough chakara goes in, like almost all of it, leaving just 1/12th of it within me it should be enough to last until Kurama has to be resealed again. This should make him human and with the right seal formations I can make it to where as long as he has the necklace he is basically just a human with a large amount of Chakra, the mental link will still remain,” Naruto explained, shocking his old teacher at how much thought was put into this.

“You’ve thought long and hard about this,” Kakashi said.

“Of course! It’s unfair to Chōwa to have one of her parents disappear at random times simply because he ran out of energy,” Naruto told him sternly.

“I understand,” Kakashi said calmly, not wanting to fight with the blonde.

“Are you going to tell anyone?” Kakashi asked the two.

“No, Naruto doesn’t want to tell anyone and I’ll respect his wishes,” Kurama answered smoothly.

“It’s not that I don’t want to tell anyone. I don’t want the council to know. If they know then they're going to do everything in their power to make me lose everything I have. I will not stand for it. I won’t lose my family to a bunch of heartless bastards,” Naruto said calmly.

“You’re not even going to tell your friends,” Kakashi asked him quietly.

“They’ll know one day, but they won’t know anytime soon,” Naruto answered smoothly.

“Well I guess I’ll leave, but I do expect you to be training tomorrow,” Kakashi said getting up, happy to know what’s going on in his student’s life.

“Don’t worry I’ll be there. Oh and Kakashi!” Naruto called out as the grey harried ninja already walked out the door, turning around to see what the blonde had to say.

“Chōwa’s birthday is in two days! You’re invited!” Naruto said and Kakashi hid the small smile on his face.

XXX TWO DAYS LATER XXX

Kakashi met up with Iruka, the two ninjas making small talk as they stealthy made their way to the house hidden in the forest, now also concealed with hidden seals, making sure only those who have access can enter.

They knocked on the door, Kurama gladly greeting them the two Sanin already inside playing with the small child, now officially turning three.

“Ya know Naruto she can start school when she’s four,” Iruka calmly mentioned later as the girl just finished unwrapping all of her presents. Mostly containing ninja learning and training items such as blunted kunai, basic scrolls, and light weights that she can’t wear every day, but starting ones. She did also receive plenty of toys, books, and candy, everything that a toddler could want to make her happy. All the adults could see that she was clearly getting tired as she continued to stuff her face with cake.

“I don’t want her starting till she’s five. I already agreed to let each of you start taking her out in the village, but I don’t want her to be found out to be my child. That’s my main problem. I turn seventeen this year and next year I will officially be eighteen. The council will have almost zero control over me once that happens. She is free to go for a walk every now and then or even to the park, but I just can’t have her be seen with me and it breaks my heart,” Naruto told them, getting tired of explaining his reasoning.

“If we can make the council have no control of you, would you tell the world everything about her and Kurama?” Tsunade asked, a dangerous glint in her eyes.

“Of course! I want to tell Sakura, Ino, and Hinata all about her so she can have fun female outings with my friends. I want her to know all about the bugs Shino has, how to play shogi from Shikamaru, to adopt a dog from the Inuzuka clan, just because there was a runt in the litter like their is every year. I want her to get to know my friends and my friends to know her and Kurama, but not while she is in danger of being taken from me. I am getting Kurama his seal when Yamoto gets back and then I’ll wait it out,” Naruto told them.

“I’ll get the wood necklace. Jiraya and you can start making the perfect seal. Kurama I am making this official mission. I want you to be human within one week of Yamato’s return. I will not stand to watch my grandchild and great-grandchild live in isolation!” Tsunade demanded, making everyone look at her surprised. “As for the council, I will take care of them and Kakashi Iruka make sure that all of them eat and take care of themselves in this process,” Tsunade ordered, clearly in Hokage mode.

“Yes ma’am!” All of them quickly said.

“What about Kurama’s citizenship?” Iruka asked.

“I’m about to go and start on the paperwork,” Tsunade said standing up, saying bye to the three-year-old, and leaving for the Hokage tower.

“I love that woman,” Jiraya said happily.

“Then ask her on a date before you lose her!” Naruto yelled at him as if they’ve had this talk before, the other two ninjas took a quick guess and said they had.

XXX ONE WEEK LATER XXX

Yamato, Sakura, and Sai had finally returned, telling them everything that happened with the one tails being removed, Chiyo dying, Gaara still being alive and while Naruto was happy his friend was alive he was also happy he didn’t go on the mission but instead stayed.

“Sai and Sakura you’re both dismissed. Yamato I need you to remain here. Fox!” Tsunade screamed letting it known that this was going to be a private conversation with ANBU involved.

“My lady?” Yamato asked.

“Fox here needs a small piece of wood that is able to be disguised as a necklace but can also hold large amounts of chakra. Can you do it?” Tsunade asked him.

“Um why from me? If you don’t mind me asking,” Yamato asked.

“We need it to hold the nine tails chakra,” Tsunade said calmly.

“What! Are you crazy!” Yamato asked her shocked.

“Nope in fact this idea has been in the works for almost three or four years now. We just finally have all the seals and variables to make it work. Are you going to do it or not?” Tsunade asked.

“Yes Hokage,” Yamato said sadly as he concentrated and slowly made a small rectangle with a small hole at the top for a piece of string.

“Will this do?” Yamato asked.

“It’s perfect,” Fox’s voice said through the mask, grabbing the small block of wood.

“Thank you, Hokage. I’ll be with Jiraya making the perfect seal on this before he leaves for his trip,” Fox told her with a bow.

“I want that seal done by tonight and we will finish the chakra process tomorrow. Do you require Yamato to be there?” Tsunade asked.

“No, I only need the small circle that I already have. I have two sanin and two trusted ninjas on standby,” Fox told her as she sighed but let him go.

“Is he a new ANBU? I haven’t met him before?” Yamato asked, curious about the negativity targeted towards him.

“New to ANBU, yes. New to me, no,” Tsunade answered quickly dismissing him.

Naruto and Jiraya worked all day sealing the block of wood on both sides making it able to hold so much demon chakra. It wasn't long and the next day came.

Kakashi, Jiraya, and Tsunade were all on standby with Kurama inside Naruto, Chōwa was being held by Iruka a little ways off as a way to keep her out of the field.

With a deep breath, Naruto placed his hands on the piece of wood and focused on Kurama’s chakra pulsing it within the piece of wood, feeling the chakra drain from him until he heard Kurama’s voice in his head say stop. A warning that Naruto has the bare minimum of nine tails Chakra within him.

Tired and out of breath naruto took a piece of string and pulled it through the block of wood, Kurama appearing beside him, still using the Chakra within Naruto until the necklace was placed over his head, letting him fully use that chakra as a way to maintain his human form.

With orders from Jiraya he took his shirt off as the Sanin quickly made seals on both his back and stomach, making a fully functional chakra system within his human body that not only still connects him to Naruto but lets the necklace have a neverending supply of his own personal chakra, only to work with him, Naruto, or Chōwa.

“I can officially say that the nine tails is as human as we’re gonna get him. If the supply of chakra runs out, and only if he will return to Naruto, both will be fine. His human part should still have the seals I made on him so all he needs to do is have Naruto resupply the necklace,” Jiraya explained, Naruto leaning into Kurama, fully out of breath.

“I can walk around the village now!” Kurama said happily.

“I can’t change your features. You will have to do that with a henge, but your chakra flow should  act like a human’s. You can experience exhaustion but all you need is sleep and food. Just like us old regular ninja. You might need to retrain a few things, but overall it is still your nine tails chakra within your body,” the old sanin told him.

“Daddy is healed now!” Chōwa said escaping Iruka’s grip and running towards them, letting Kurama lift her up.

“Yep, Daddy is healed now Ko! Papa might need a small nap, but nothing that a day’s rest can’t fix,” Kurama told her happily.

“Good thing we did this at night. Let’s get him to bed,” Kakashi and Iruka agreed, letting the nine tails hold his daughter as the other two grabbed Naruto, bringing him to his bed.

“Kurama, I expect you to report in my office first thing in the morning. I have some papers for you to sign,” Tsunade told him as the fox gave a big thumbs up.

“Can you still turn into a fox?” Chōwa asked him.”

“I’m not sure. I’ll have to find out tomorrow, for now, let’s get you to bed,” Kurama told her, playing with her a little to make her laugh.

“Can I sleep with you tonight?” Chōwa she asked.

“Of course, Ko,” Kurama cuddled with his two favorite people in the world, all three of them sleeping peacefully throughout the night.

XXX ONE YEAR LATER XXX

The past year was hard on the small family, with not only Asuma dying but also Jiraya dying on a mission. Naruto broke down crying as he told Chōwa, but the poor girl didn’t understand that death was final.

“Daddy! Papa is crying! Oji is going to be back! He always comes back!” Chōwa said, tears coming to her eyes because her papa was crying.

“Oh, baby! C’mere,” Kurama told her as she ran to his arms and he held her close. “You’re Ojisan was a brave man, but that’s all he was. A man. You know how everything has life. Take for example the flowers?” Kurama asked her, leaving Naruto alone in his room to mourn, Kurama had already called Iruka and the two talked about a plan.

“Yeah their so pretty!” Chōwa said excitedly.

“Well, you know when they well they die their no longer here?” Kurama asked her, holding the now four-year-old close.

“Yeah,” she said sadly.

“Well, Ojisan is like those pretty flowers right now,” Kurama told her softly as she cried, sad little tears showing her understanding of death.

“It’s not all sad. Yes, we lost Ojisan and we will miss him dearly, but do you know what happens to those flowers after they die?” Kurama asked her.

Chōwa’s small frame shook no. “Well, we die, but like the flowers that die something pretty and beautiful is able to be born from the loss we have to bear,” Kurama told her, a sad smile on his face, trying to be brave for his little girl.

“Will papa be, okay?” the four-year-old asked, leaning her head on the old fox.

“Yeah, sweetie. Your Ojisan was an important person to Papa, but he just needs time. He’ll be fine,” Kurama told her, gently rocking her to sleep.

It was as he was rocking her that Naruto came out of the room.

“Where are you going?” Kurama asked her, picking up Chōwa to bring her to her room as Naruto went for the door.

“Out,” was all the information Naruto wanted to give, but he knew it wouldn’t be that easy.

“You can’t go chasing after Jiraya’s killer,” Kurama told him, turning around to quietly place the little girl in her bed, shutting the door and turning around.

“Shikamaru was able to get his revenge! Why can’t I get mine!?” Naruto asked him angrily.

“Wasn't it you who told Sasuke that revenge isn’t worth losing your friends and family over? If Pain ever crosses paths from you, I won’t stop you from destroying him, but I will not let you just leave and go after him,” Kurama told him sternly.

“I’m not going after Pain. . .I just need to walk around. . .to clear my head,” Naruto told him, giving the fox a hug.

“Well I know you might not want to, but I think Iruka might want to talk to you,” Kurama told him softly, letting the blonde walk out the door.

“I promise to still be here tomorrow,” Naruto told him sadly.

“I know you do Kit,” Kurama said happily.

XXX A FEW DAYS LATER XXX

The village was torn apart. So many good ninjas are dead. So many families are gone. The only ones left were a few of the rookie nine, a few other ninjas. Konoha didn’t know what they were going to do. Those left were watching Hinata fight off the pain but the fight, while a good one that proved Hinata’s worth, was over too soon with her passed out, giving Naruto enough time to gather some strength.

Kurama was too busy with his own opponent, luckily it didn’t take him long and he was able to rush over to the main battle to see how Naruto was holding up.

It was as Kurama rushed that he was able to notice a change in the battlefield. Naruto was no longer there, but Pain was still standing and in his peripheral vision he noticed it. One of the few things that could truly scare Kurama.

One of the Pains was holding his daughter. The daughter that he helped raise since she was born. He was holding her upside down as he put his hands on her and took her life away. At this point in time the Rookie noticed that he was on the main part of the battlefield ready to fight but didn’t know what he was staring at, Sakura was the first to notice, running towards the child, trying to help her, but Kurama knew she was gone.

“You killed her! You killed my daughter! I’m going to make you pay!” Kurama screamed, tears running down his face, not paying attention to the chakra he released as he fully turned into the nine tails, fully intending to kill the man.

The ninjas left alive didn’t know if they should attack or help the fox, seeing as he was on their side, but it was as they could see Naruto walk back into the village that they saw his face transform as he ran towards the fox, but also the village hidden in the leaves saw multiple lights shine down and go into everyone that had died in the battle and the blonde was able to calm the fox, turning him back into a man, a man that was still crying harsh, angry, and sad tears.

“Fox it’s okay. What happened?” Naruto asked him, as the fox crawled walked over to where Chōwa’s body lay and picked her up.

“I tried to save her! I really did!” Kurama said, tears streaming down his face, the village all forming a circle around the two, wondering what was going on. The rookie nine, and their teachers were front and center watching the scene unfold, the two holding the small four-year-old child as they cried, but soon one last light floated down and landed within the small girl.

“Daddy? Papa?” the girl said softly.

“We’re here kit!” Naruto said, instantly grabbing onto her, holding her close as he cried sad tears.

“Papa my head hurts!” the girl said, as Kurama joined the two in a hug, “Not you to Daddy. Let me go!” the small girl tried to wiggle out of their grips.

“Everyone move!” Iruka’s voice came out strong, making his way to the center of the circle. “Is she okay?” Iruka asked nervously.

“Uncle Iruka! Save me! Daddy and Papa are squishing me!” Chōwa screamed in complaining.

“Uh, Naruto who is this?” Kiba asked.

“Was that the nine tails?” Sakura asked.

“Why does she call you Papa?” Hinata asked.

It seemed like all the rookies had a question to ask him, but all he did was sigh and stand up, the fox following him.

“Iruka, can you bring the ones who matter later?” Naruto asked, not seeing the older ninja shake his head as he ran towards the direction of the forest, not leaving any room for anyone to follow him, knowing Kakashi and Iruka were blocking anyone from following them.

It was later that night that Kakashi and Iruka knocked on the door, the rookie nine along with Kurenai, Yamato, and Might Guy were behind them, questions still boiling in their heads that the two ninjas refused to answer.

The door was quickly opened by, who Shikamaru has already figured out to be, the nine tails fox, and they were let in, chairs set out for everyone to take a seat.

As they entered they saw Naruto holding the same small girl he was running with earlier.

“Naruto let Iruka take her. She’ll be fine. She’s safe here,” Kurama told the blonde, easing the squirming toddler out of Naruto’s hands.

“Thank you for rescuing me, daddy! Can I go play now?” Chōwa asked too much pent-up energy in her for her to take a nap.

“Of course, sweetie, but Iruka has to be with you,” Kurama warned her as she ran off, the older ninja following her to her room as Kurama comforted Naruto.

“So, who’s that?” Kiba asked suddenly.

“Her name is Chōwa and she’s, my daughter!” Naruto said harshly, eyes glowing yellow for a split second. “I need to check on her!” Naruto said standing up but was stopped by both Kurama and Kakashi.

“Naruto she is fine. I have full faith in Iruka to watch over her, don’t you?” Kurama asked.

“Of course, I do! It’s just. . .my little girl died today. I saw you go crazy and didn’t know what had happened. I felt your sorrow from the other side of the woods. I saw you cradling her cold body and my whole world crashed. I can’t lose my family,” Naruto told him, tears forming, the others feeling awkward, witnessing a private moment.

“You’re not going to lose us. You have me, Iruka, Kakashi, Tsunade, and all your friends now. We will all watch over her and help you. You can finally tell every one of your pride and joy. Tsunade is even taking care of the council for you,” Kurama told him that helped Naruto takes a deep breath and smile.

“You’re right. I’ve wanted this for so long and now I can freely tell everyone so who has questions?” Naruto asked.

“How old is she?” Ino asked, noticing her pink-haired friend is still in shock.

“She just turned five and is still a handful, but I love her with all of my heart,” Naruto told them, fully letting his emotions about his daughter run free.

“What’s her name?” Hinata asked quietly, sad that she knows her chances of being with Naruto are gone, but happy to be there for him.

“Her name is Chōwa Namikaze,” Naruto answered quickly noticing the surprises, including Kakashi who had never heard the child’s last name, assuming it was Uzumaki.

“Namikaze? As in the fourth? Why does she have that name?” Kiba asked, confused.

“Well, the fourth was my father. I should be able to use his name however I please,” Naruto answered, not giving it a second thought.

This quickly called the rookie nine to burst into outrage, but Yamato had a question about a different person in the room. A suspicion that he just needed to clarify. “Naruto who is this red-headed man?” Yamato asked nervously.

“Oh Hi! I’m Kurama! I’m Chōwa’s other parent,” Kurama answered nicely, with a hand wave.

“No. I mean who are you?” Yamato asked with a glare, that Kurama was happy to return.

“I’m Chōwa’s father and that’s the only thing that matters,” Kurama said, trying to stop this from turning into an argument.

“You’re the nine-tailed fox,” Yamato said harshly, ready to beat the man to a pulp.

“So, what if I am! Do you see anyone else here worried? Look at Naruto, who is still alive might I add. He’s not worried about me! I’m always worried about him! I’ve been there for him for as long as I can remember. I’ve watched over and protected him. I am not here to hurt the village. I’m here to protect my family,” Kurama said harshly as Yamato was about to attack but Kakashi quickly put a hand on the ninja’s should and shook his head no. The message was clear, stand down.

“Yamato remember that block of wood you made last year?” Naruto asked.

“Of course, I was against the idea,” Yamato said, letting his feelings fully out.

“You were the main part that played in helping to make Kurama as human as he can be while keeping us both connected. It’s because of you he can remain in this form and have his own chakra system,” Naruto told him as the older ninja went wide-eyed.

“It doesn’t matter if you don’t approve, but please while in my presence or within my family keep your opinions to yourself,” Naruto told him, going back to the others in the room.

“Naruto how do you have a child?” Sakura asked quietly, the one question everyone was thinking.

“C’mon now Sakura. You’ve studied under Tsunade sure you know,” Naruto said with a laugh, trying to change the topic and keep the mood light, Kurama’s hand on his side helping to keep his mind in the present.

“Naruto I’m serious!” Sakura told him harshly, truly worried for a person she has seen as a brother, as part of her family.

“It’s one of the reason’s I waited to tell you guys. I’m what you call trans. I was originally born a girl, but I know for a fact that I’m a boy. Before I went with Jiraya I had a run-in with some nasty villagers. They found out I wasn't originally a boy and let’s just say it was a bad night. I found out I was pregnant not too long after. Jiraya, Tsunade, and Iruka all knew and helped me get everything I needed together. Jiraya and Tsunade planned to take me out of the village, then Tsunade and Iruka traveled and met with me and Jiraya their she delivered my baby and I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I couldn’t bear the thought of getting rid of her so I kept her. Tsunade and Iruka helped build this house for us while I was training with Jiraya and she’s happy. She doesn’t know who her real father is, but that doesn’t matter. Kurama is her father and that’s all that she needs to know,” Naruto told them as his friend's eyes went rigid.

“Naruto,” Sakura said softly, walking up to give her friend. . . her brother a hug, Ino, Hinata, and Tenten following quickly behind, the girls feeling the need to hug the ninja.

“Who is it? I’ll kill him,” Neji said quickly, ready to beat the man to a pulp with the help of Lee.

“Their’s no need. Kurama already took care of him. He’s never going to see the light of day again,” Naruto reassured him.

“Can we meet her?” Tenten asked, hope-filled in her eyes as Naruto laughed.

“Chōwa come in here sweetie!” Naruto called out, as the red-headed child ran at full speed to Kurama.

“Daddy! Is papa gonna trap me again?” Chōwa asked as Kurama laughed.

“Papa was just worried about you sweetie. Something bad happened and while you don’t remember it you really scared papa and me,” Kurama said softly to her as everyone in the room saw the love the nine tails held for his daughter.

“Okay,” the five-year-old said defeated as she walked towards Naruto, causing the blonde to smile.

“Chōwa I want you to meet my friends,” Naruto told her as she was introduced to all of them.

“Papa does this mean I can go to school now!?” Chōwa asked excitedly, Iruka having a soft smile on his face at the question.

“No,” Naruto said softly, the others surprised at his reaction.

“When can I go to school,” Chōwa whined.

“I told you already baby girl. Baachan is getting the council sorted out. The second they no longer become a problem you can go to school.”

“Really!” Chōwa jumped up and down from excitement.

“Really,” Naruto promised. “Why don’t you take this time to meet your aunt and uncles. This is Shika, Chogi.”

“Hey, my name starts with Cho!” she said excitedly as she ran towards said ninja, making him laugh as he bounced and played with her.

“Such a smart girl you are. That is your uncle Neji, Aunt Ten, this is your godmother Sakura, that is if she wants to be?” Naruto asked her sheepishly.

“Wait! I’m her godmother!?” Sakura started to freak out.

“I couldn’t think of anyone better for the job. I did actually name her godfather Shikamaru. If you two don’t want it though I can choose someone else!” Naruto was quick to change.

“NO!” both voices shouted, stopping the blonde from going into a panic.

“I’d be honored to be her godmother Naruto,” Sakura’s face blossomed into a smile.

“It’ll be troublesome, but I guess somethings are worth it,” Shikamaru pretended to not care, only making the blonde laugh.

“This is you Aunt Hina, Ino, Uncle Kiba, and last is your uncle Lee,” Naruto had a smile on his face as all his friends passed around his little girl, making her laugh and have the time of her life.

“I’m glad that you finally told me your big secret,” Sakura told him later that night, the two talking in private right outside the house, still able to see everyone having fun.

“I wanted to tell you forever. All of you. I had to wait and not let the secret get out. If the council found out they could have taken her away from me and she is my whole world. I’m officially eighteen now and Tsunade has been working on freeing me from the council’s hands. They would have her be raised as the next container and proceed to kill me because I’ve been compromised,” Naruto explained to her.

“Naruto it’s okay. I understand. I’m happy you told me, but now you can’t give me any excuses. I missed my brother,” Sakura put her head on his shoulder.

“I missed my sister. I know I promised to go after Saskue, but I can’t risk that. Maybe if the promise can wait a few years?” Naruto looked at her, waiting for an answer.

“Screw Saskue. I have a feeling if he never betrayed us, he would be named the godfather instead of Shikamaru. Saskue lost his chance with us, and he doesn’t deserve to be in this village with my perfect niece. Speaking of Tomorrow I’m taking her shopping,” Naruto could tell it wasn’t her asking for permission.

“I won’t say no, but can I ask why?”

“Well, she is five. I have five years of birthdays and Christmas gifts to get caught up on. We all do so might as well do mine first so they can be the best,” A snarky smile appeared on her face, making Naruto laugh, slowly she joined him.

“What are you two still doing out here?” Kurama asked, poking his head out the door.

“Just taking a breath of fresh air Rama! We’ll be in, in a minute!” Naruto called back.

“You really do love him.” It was a wonderful observation, from two sentences.

“Of course. Rama is my partner, not just with this seal, but for life.”

“Well one of you better pop that damn question soon or I’ll do it for both of you!” Sakura yelled the last part running inside, making the blonde chase her.

It was the moment Naruto ran into the house as he saw all of his friends and family in his home with his lover and daughter did he realize how truly happy he was in the moment.

[autisticlee]

I wasn't diagnosed with hEDS, despite very much suspecting it before that. my doctor used that testing method (I always forget the name of) that looks at like 5 joints only and judges based on that. some of those happened to be joints I don't have as much issue with (for example, my elbows and knees don't bend past the degree required and my back is way too stiff to touch the ground without a lot of stretching first) but I was told I have general, basically harmless joint hypermobility and there's no treatment to help me or anything. I'm basically fine I guess?

I was told by a few people on twitter that the test is outdated and the issues I mention having sounds a lot like hEDS and I need a second opnion (but can't get one because that's the only doctor in my hospital/insurance system) so all I have to go by is what people online have told me from a guess and what a doctor told me. so I really don't know what the truth it. but I feel obligated to go off of what the doctor said and say "I'm fine" because I was also told by twitter people that this "isnt something to wish for/it's a very serious condition/you can't just self diagnosed this/etc" so I can only assume I just have a few joints that bend more than they should but it's fine.

(this is longer than i expected so i'll cut it)

my joints are always popping and cracking and feeling very loose and floppy. I don't get big dislocations requiring hospital visits that I am told are a required symptoms of hEDS. )I can dislocated my jaw on demand though and have to use my hands to put it back lmao and other joints get stuck and feel like they're trying to dislocate and stuff like that? i've had toes and fingers dislocated and my parents just yank on them until they pop back in. my hips are some of the worst joints i think. of course those aren't tested in the EDS test. i'll be walking and suddenly my hip feels like it pops out of place or gets stuck. if i'm standing and shift my hips, I can feel it pop really dramatically. always a dull pain, sometimes sharp pain that makes it very hard to walk untol it goes away. but I try to ignore it.

I feel like I have high pain tolerance (not sure if due to being autistic and having weird sensory issues, or from basically being trained my while life to ignore my pain because my parents couldn't afford to take me to doctors, being told to suck it up i'm being dramatic, getting ignored or told others "have it worse," etc.) so i've just been accepting the joint pain I get, especially from my very physically demanding job, and don't do much about it. I'm pretty sure most, if not all my sleep problems are due to chronic pain and discomfort. everyone tries to tell me it's all in .y head and I can't sleep because my mind is "too active" and i'm just "thinking too much" so i've been suggested so many things to treat anxiety. thkae don't work and meds made it WAY worse. i'm the definition of "head empty" when i'm trying to sleep. I don't think that's it lmao. if it's anything in my head, it's the vivid dreams I have. but do dreams make you feel like you got physically hit by a truck? maybe mentally, yeah.

my mom, who I work with, has chronic pain and back and other problems. so since she "just deals with it" she applies that to me and says "mine is worse/I deal with it every day and it mever stops/I can't help you/you have nothing to complain about/etc" and not just her, my whole family seems to have chronic pain and stuff. it's like it's genetic, idk. so i'm expected to work through it and ignore it. she doesn't use any mobility aids despite probably needing to, so it was never suggested to me. i've had pain and issues most my life but was always told i'm "too young to have any pain. wait until you're 25/30/35" (the number changes as I get older for some reason...) "you arent allowed to complain/experience pain now, you're too young. exercise more. you sit at your computer too much. etc" so i've just tried to ignore it and deal with it because i'm overreacting and it's not bad, right? others have it worse.

I visited some friends this past week. One friend is disabled and uses a cane/wheelchair to aid her mobility due to severe chronic pain. I brought my hip brace with me, which helps hold my hip in the joint a little and helps stop it popping out as I walk (there's still pain though, but it stops my joint from popping out sideways when i move it, if that makes sense?) my friend noticed me struggling and despite me telling her i'm fine and this or normal, she demanded I don't just "deal with it" like everyone else. she made sure I had my brace on, shared her pain meds, and made me borrow her cane while she used her wheelchair.

we went to an anime convention and met up with one of my friend's friends for a little bit. she also uses a cane when walking around a lot. she noticed my hip issues and my skin having a bad reaction to the double sided tape I was using for cosplays and asked if I had EDS because I showed signs like people she knows who have it. that kind of further makes me wonder if maybe my doctor misdiagnosed because of the bad outdated test? perhaps it's not and i'm overthinking it. i'm just thinking that if that's what it it actually is, it would be nice to know so I know how to help myself? like maybe there's more treatments than just ignoring standard hypermobility? and what if there's other related issues i'd have to watch for amd not know about?

but anyway, borrowing my friends cane, with and even without my hip brace (sometimes with wrist brace too if i remembered because wrist pain particularly due to an old, severe injury as a kid), doing a ton of walking all week, I noticed I never got sharp hip and knee pains that I get normally that almost down me every day at work or when going for a walk. I always try to ignore them and push through and continue what I'm doing. I assume that's fine and even get annoyed at myself for being so overreacting to it????? i'm suppsed to have high pain tolerance, right? i'm making a big deal out of nothing probably!!!!

but using it that whole week and finding that it helped makes me wonder if I should get my own???? not that I really go anywhere and I can't use it at work because I have to use my hands the whole time. (or is that attention seeking behavior? I know using one draws negative attention because people are assholes about that stuff. but it's still attention. am I secretly wanting attention???) I also wonder if i'm experiencing more issues than I think. like have I gotten so used to ignoring things that it's actually worse than I think? am I a walking imposter syndrome? i've heard you can dull your own sense of pain by ignoring it long enough and being autistic with sensory issues can also cause a reduced sense of pain. it seemed like being around other disabled people and people who actually paid attention to me meant people noticed me struggling more than I notice, if that makes sense?? but I don't know i'd I am truly struggling or i'm unconsciously making it up????

when I was on my way home walking through the airport, I thought I was doing fine. yeah, I was going slower than everyone else and leaning on my rolling carryon luggage, but i'm sure I was fine......I must have looked like I was struggling. a man driving one of those little transport vehicles through the hall stopped and asked if I was ok. I said i'm fine and he insisted I get on and he take me down the rest of the very long hall. he got to the end where it splits and I needed the opposite way he was headed so he called for someone with a wheelchair to scoop me up and take me to my gate and wouldn't accept a no.

I thought i'd be fine shuffling the hour long layover I had to the opposite side of the airport to my gate, but turns out I made it a minute after boarding time started even with other people running me through on wheels double the speed or more i was going myself. I may have missed my flight if I kept shuffling on my own.....

even though it was a lot of help, I still felt bad, like I was taking up resources from people who really needed it. I never considered myself physically disabled despite my weird joint issues, weakness, chronic pain, lack of balance and coordination, etc. it was a lot of help, and like I said, I may have missed my plane without it, but I still felt really bad and still do, like a fraud, like I was wasting something others needed more. I just feel like my struggles aren't enough to warrant any thpe of disability aid, if they can even be considered struggles at all. I felt like i'm an able person being fake and taking something that doesn't belong to me, wasting resources that aren't meant for me, despite it not being me who chose it or asked for it. I tried to refuse, but it was given to me by someone who seems to have felt I needed it????? should I have rejected it more and tried to be more insistent on being fine? (though i'm not sure i'd be capable of that since I was overwhelmed and my autistic brain can barely handle airports....so talking at all was kind of out of the question)

i really feel like I don't need or deserve help like that! I need to deal with it on my own and ignore it, right? others have it worse! it's not that bad. I can deal with it on my own. maybe i'm being dramatic about any pain and stuff i'm experiencing and need to suck it up and stop complaining. It's not bad enough to even mention it! maybe i'm unconsciously trying to get attention or something like that. unconsciously looked like I was struggling for some kind of attention or something (despite trying to always shrink and hide myself in public to be left alone, especially when sensory overwhelmed). I hope I didn't impede anyone who needed and deserved help more than me 🥺😔

[coille-sunmane]

I've seen a couple other trans people, trans men in this case, talking about this, and kinda wanted to just say my peace.

A tough part about being a trans man is you are likely to be below average height, and this mixed with sometimes having a slighter higher pitch voice, even after your voice drops from T, can lead to people treating you like a child.

When I first started T and was in the second puberty part of it all, a lady at the grocery store complimented me for buying my own groceries, and when I looked at her kinda confused, she asked how old I was. At the time I was in my mid 20s. And she just gasped and gave the old "you look so young for your age". And yeah sure, I looked like a teenager. But this will pass, right?

Skip ahead a few years, I'm in my 30s and training for a new position which had me on the phone with my trainer basically all the time. She talks constantly, and can be nosy in this specific way people tend to be in the south. She was also present for my interview, so she saw me as well as heard my voice. I am slight, with a little fat, and while I make attempts to bulk, struggle with building the habit and routine for it (thank you depression).

I mention that my parents are both seniors at this point. My mom was in her mid 30s when I was born and my dad is a good bit older than her. Once I mention this, I hear a similarly shocked sound to the one from the lady at the grocery store followed by "Wait, how old are you? You seemed so young, we were all talking about it afterwards." I tell her, and she just talks on and on about how lucky I am to look so young.

A few years prior to this, a co-worker was being teased for being young. He was in his early 20s, my workplace is an office that is mostly 40-60 year old women. He gets defensive, turns around and asks me how old I am, trying to get one over on the co-worker teasing him. He thought I was younger than him. I wasn't. I was in my late 20s. He was embarrassed, and the co-worker had a good laugh at his expense. I smiled because it was funny.

But I'm gonna be honest.

It doesn't feel good when everyone thinks you're a teen to early twenty something. People think you are stupid, or ignorant, or immature. I get patronized off and on because people don't expect me to be capable of dealing with things. Even after I explain, in detail, that I know how something works already, I will get my hand held through the whole process again.

I pass, but every time this happens I hate my voice, and I hate my height. I want my voice to be deeper, I want to be taller. I want to have muscles. I can work on some of this, but others are things that are set and done, a curse of the sex hormones during my first puberty. Sorry if that language bothers anyone. But I'm allowed to feel however I want about my own body. Something can be a curse to me and a blessing to you, and that's ok.

This is all made worse by how TERFs talk about us. They frame trans men as stupid immature girls who are completely incapable of making autonomous medical or life decisions for themselves, regardless of the fact the majority are making these choices as legal adults. The fact I get treated like a teenager or early twenty something in half the places I go. The fact I worry people will think my husband is my father. Or that some of the weird fandom people will claim he's a predator because we have a larger than 1 year age gap, and I look and sound the way I do.

This is mostly venting, but... it's not a compliment to be told I look young for my age. I know some people like being told that and maybe I will appreciate it more when I'm much older. But all it makes me feel right now is infantilized, and it reminds me that I'm not as young as I used to be. I lost my youth to girlhood, and didn't have the childhood I wish I had. That my voice doesn't sound the way I want it too. That I'll never be as tall as I could have been had I not developed with the chromosomes I have, not had the puberty I didn't want.

This is a long post, and just the way I'm feeling. If you happen to see it and resonate with it then, I'm glad we can find some solidarity in these depression hours. If baby trans folks see this, understand it's not like this for everyone. Don't let this scare you. I am a million, billion times happier the way I am now than I was before transitioning. If anything, the fact I'm at a point where I'm sad my voice passes but just not how I wish it did, it's a good thing.

Just sharing my depression thoughts and venting about people frustrating me.