#and now since i came out as trans it feels like i'm starting again in a way

[wild-at-mind]

I love writing my random shit on here, as a venue where I'm even the slightest bit anonymous but it still feels a little companiable, but I will say that I was feeling ok about myself today and then I scrolled tumblr for about half and hour and felt totally shit. No particular one thing caused it that I can think of, it was just the social media sickness I guess. So not sure what to do with that but I think I should learn from it.

[flightyalrighty]

FIRST | PREVIOUS | NEXT CH 1 PG 36

Infested will return on June 27th. --- Thank you to the following Ascended supporters: @chaogongoozles, @fiiresiidefrfr, @elizard4227, @grogar, Ezzoh, @susivoi, @calculuscacophony, Eros, @ivycorp, @summersdale @borrelia, @mizukiz, @sanicdetails, @combinegrunt-echo-1, Pica, @veeceear, @quackenburt, ItsmeMonarch, @memendoemori, @trans-girl-sonic, & savarsenic

Content Warnings | Store | Ko-Fi (Discord!) | Read On Comic Fury! DISCLAIMER: "Infested" is a horror comic ft. content not suitable for those under the age of 17.

A long-winded looking back on things below the cut:

The first few pages of Infested were uploaded to this blog on March 2nd, 2023 -- Over a whole year ago! I was so busy, too, that I completely missed its birthday (Sorry Infested). Looking even further back than that, the original story was was something I began writing on December 25th, 2022 (Merry Christmas).

It took two years to get to this point.

And hey, not to toot my own horn about it, but completing even one chapter of a webcomic is a big deal. Especially for me. My first webcomic, Fight/Flight, didn't get very far. I completed the prologue, started Chapter 1, and then had to drop it for a number of reasons (I didn't really agree with what baby-me had to say, politically, anymore).

This comic was born from a lot of intense feelings. The story, itself, too. Some good. Some bad.

I had been forced to move away from my hometown, and with that move, I lost the physical connection that I had to all of my friends. I lost the familiarity of a place I'd known for most of my life. I'm now stuck somewhere... Worse. It felt like a cage. Still does. Disconnected from the life I thought I would be living after college. I didn't have health insurance, either -- Got kicked off of it because of the move -- And as a result, I was off my antidepressants.

So there I was, at a pretty low point in my life. I miserable and lonely and every single day dragged on. And on. And on. And I felt so disappointed in myself. That disappointment became self-loathing, and it all kinda spiraled.

Have I mentioned that I'm a huge Sonic fan? I don't think I need to. I'd say it's pretty obvious. But for the sake of this story, I'll say it again: I'm a HUGE Sonic fan. I've been that way since 2003 with Sonic Heroes. The franchise has been in my life for over two decades. I had a monthly mail subscription to Archie's Sonic the Hedgehog. Sonic the Hedgehog was something that I truly loved more than any other piece of media. It brought me endless joy. Until I didn't.

I had dropped Sonic after Lost World was... Itself. I had already felt pretty irritated with the Meta Era, and Lost World was the final straw. The last bit of hope that the series could recover was snuffed out when Forces was released. It was over. I was done. If Sonic was truly that embarrassed by itself, if they had truly lost touch with what made the series so great, then I wouldn't waste my time any longer. I was so sure that I had to just... Grieve and move on. My beloved childhood game series was dead. Long live the king or whatever. I'd just bitterly read IDW Sonic and think about what could've been. I was lucky to have that comic, at least. Archie had been canceled, too, after all. I was lucky to have my scraps.

Then Sonic Frontiers came out. And it changed everything.

And my god, it was everything. It was everything to me. Flaws be damned, it was everything. To. Me. The spectacle. The serious tone. The vastly improved writing. Kellin Fucking Quinn. It was FUN! It was actually FUN to PLAY. He was back. I was back. Sonic pulled me by my hand out of the ocean of misery I'd fallen into, and he looked me in my eye and he said;

"Hey. You're gonna be alright."

Metaphorically speaking. Sonic The Hedgehog didn't actually literally speak to me -- And sure, okay, maybe it's a little dramatic to describe a game as this great Depression Annihilator but I'm dead serious when I say that, for that time, before I was able to get back on my meds, I was self-medicating with Sonic.

Sonic was all I was thinking about. I reread the Unleashed arc in Archie Sonic, which got me sorta realizing something, and which led to my post where I said something along the lines of "Sonic would hide a zombie bite."

Archie Sonic would, at least. Because he basically did do that in the Unleashed arc of that comic. He let that problem fester until it became an even bigger problem because, ironically, he didn't want to be a problem.

So one thing led to another. I thought more about Sonic becoming a zombie. Bada-bing, bada-boom, Infested was born.

I didn't expect it to get the attention that it did. I felt lucky when the first page I drew Rouge on (Page 6 I think?) blew up. The right people saw it at the right time. I'm extremely grateful for that.

I'm extremely grateful for all of you.

So yeah, one chapter. Woo! Here's to many more.

[emotboyswag]

The conversation of when is too late to medically transition is coming round again, which it does periodically, but I have never really resonated with the phrase "it's only too late when you're dead" before. But now I realise it is so incredibly true. It fucking sucks to wait, seeing everyone around you start medically transitioning sooner and faster than you is so disheartening. I came out at 11 and tried to start hormones, I've been on the NHS waiting list for years and I desperately tried to convince my transphobic parents, I tried to get a job to pay for it etc. So it wasn't for lack of trying that things happened as they happened and I didn't start hormones until I was 18.

For 7 years I watched everyone around me transition and it felt like I was running out of time. Whenever the conversation came around about when was too late to transition I always thought to myself "its too late for me". Still these days I feel like I'm running out of time for top surgery. I have been binding ever day for 7/8 years and I'm kinda coming to the end of my rope with it, every day it's just a little harder to bind, which is devastating. I don't know what I'll do when I can't bind anymore but for me at the moment surgery is prohibitively expensive and I'm not in a safe environment to get it. I'm looking into alternatives like trans tape (but I do have a larger chest).

ANYWAY I do understand when ur in the moment of waiting that it feels like you are running out of time, my life didn't even feel like it started until I was on testosterone. A few months in after seeing some changes and finally being convinced it was real and not just hand sanitiser I finally took my first breath tbh and I have not looked back since. But before starting it was just a waiting game and I thought I'd be too old for there to be any differences which is silly really because people start in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond.

Its only too late to transition when you're dead also applies to coming out. Not everyone "always knew" not everyone had the language or ability to express themselves at 3 years old, not everyone understood or thought about gender aged 3. People come out as kids and teens and young adults but people also come out at every stage of life.

I don't admire Caitlyn Jenner by any means but she was 65 when she came out

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2022/jul/16/we-really-are-trailblazers-coming-out-as-trans-in-later-life

Article about people transitioning later in life ^

It really is only too late when you're dead

[drdemonprince]

Your post about "transitioning to escape gender but then there's more gender" has been rotating furiously in my mind since I saw it. When I first realized I was trans at age 15, I identified as agender, but I knew I wanted to go on T and get top surgery so I decided it would be simpler to tell everyone I was a trans man and that just kind of became the truth. Now 10 years later I'm sorta starting to feel like I wanna actually be agender again, but the idea of an identity shift like that at my current age is terrifying and idek who I'd tell, or how I'd do it, and I don't think I wanna stop using he/him exclusively, and I have no idea why I'm telling *you* this other than that I'm scared to talk to anyone I know about it because it feels like somehow admitting that I was wrong about the gender I fought like hell to become, even though i don't really think that's the case I think my sense of self might just be continuously evolving... but I just wanna say you talking about having a gender shift like once every several years is helping me process this rn and feel like I'm not faking anything now AND wasn't faking anything before.

Dog i am right there with you. As a kid I always thought gender was bullshit, the coercive nature of it disgusted and scared me and I rebelled against it the best that I could. I loathed being assigned to any gender category, I never identified as a "girl", but I didn't really identify with any other category either. Puberty terrified me (and of course, it does most young people, but it felt like it would only more deeply entrench the category that I was assigned to in other people's minds, it made it more difficult to escape). I had trans friends as a teen but it did not occur to me to transition because there was really no end goal that I wanted to head toward, I just knew what I wanted to avoid and not experience. I coped mostly by degendering my body with a fairly androgynous style and way of presenting myself to the word and mannerisms, but also by starving myself which was not so great, and not sustainable. I considered transness for myself, even trying on a friend's binder and presenting masculinely at certain queer events, but it seemed to me at the time like just another way in which to obsess over gender, a foolish coercive socially constructed thing that i was trying to avoid.

In my 20s, I learned more about nonbinary people and figured that explained things pretty well. I was enamored with the transition journeys of some other trans people, largely trans women more than trans masculine ones (with some trans-effeminate faggot boy exceptions), but I still didn't want to take on all the expense and uncertainty and hassle of navigating the medical system for myself. I didn't think that the pursuit of being happy merited taking on so many risks or fiddling with myself so much. I saw it as an extravagance I didn't deserve, I guess, and I also couldn't locate a target outcome that seemed desirable enough for me. I was still dealing with an eating disorder and recovering from some trauma and didn't really think about my life in the long term. I guess I still don't, haha, whoops.

Eventually I came out as nonbinary, and nobody really gave a shit. There is a lot of useless, solidarity-breaking discourse that happens online about essentially who is "more" oppressed, binary trans people or nonbinary people, and a lot of that fight amounts to the two groups shouting about the ways in which they annoy one another without there being any cogent analysis of power and where oppression comes from (let alone how much those two categories overlap).

But I will say that being a they/them was far more difficult than being a trans guy socially and institutionally, because your identity is completely illegible to every system around you. "binary" trans people struggle under this too, but i have found there are some immense benefits to having a socially and institutionally legible target gender. nobody would fucking actually they/them me. not anyone. not even other trans people and queer people. there were no public gendered spaces for me. there were no spaces for me. there was no way to move through the medical system, professional life, and other public institutions as a nonbinary person. i was still just a cis woman in everyone's eyes. including the people who claimed to support me. and it was massively frustrating.

and so i think ultimately, i took my frustrations with not being at all able to escape coerced gendering as a nonbinary person and combined that with the affinity i do feel for queer men and the general sense of misery i was still experiencing in my life and decided what the hell, i'll round myself up to being a trans guy. i upped my T dose, i dressed more masculinely, i eventually got a super masculine hair cut that really squared off my jawline and got me gendered correctly, and i started more consciously inhabiting queer men's spaces.

and it was pretty dope. for a while. i felt the rush of having gotten away with something. when people effortlessly gendered as male i felt freed at last from the pressure to be a woman. i was no longer being coerced into being something that i was not. i had escaped the enforced category so much that people couldn't even see the history of that category being pushed onto me. there was relief.

but then. as always happens. people made little comments about my handshake being too weak for a man. the hypermasc dudes at the leather bar rolled their eyes at me and all the other effeminate dudes swanning around the bar. the people who picked me up off the apps or at the sauna would always let it slip, eventually, that they had a lot of experience with trans guys, or had most recently been dating all trans guys, and it would make me feel like a stock character to them, yet another category into which all kinds of assumptions had been projected. a type not a person. a few people said my haircut made me look like i was in the military or described me as actually masculine, which was equally jarring because it was so incorrect. people tried to affirm me by saying i was such a dude, i was such a man, i was such a fag, i was such a gay bro, pawing all over me leaving the mark of all their assumptions and oversimplifications behind. i had tried to run away from gender and there i was just BASTING all the time in everybody's goddamn assumptions about gender. trans people didn't talk about it any less than cis people did, they were just as fucking confining to be around.

it honestly feels really dirty. when people try to affirm your gender constantly and can't stop talking about it, when people look past you and see only your body, your history, or the role they have typecast you in, when people use your body as an outlet for their own gender or sexuality explorations, when they keep trying to measure every single facet of existence up into being masculine or being feminine or being toppy or bottomy or any other gendered type, it's claustrophobic.

as a trans man i tried playing this whole gender game and the second i started winning i began to feel even more disgusted with myself. it wasn't a victory or an escape, it was a capitulation. exploring with my identity and presentation has brought positive things into my life and my health has gotten better as a result, and i've made wonderful friends who, like me, are disaffected by this coercive gendering system. so i don't regret any of that. but trying to make myself legible under the existing gendered system was a fool's fucking errand. i wish i hadnt done it to myself and i wish i hadnt had it pushed onto me. to be clear, it was cissexist, binarist society that forced it onto me; even when other queer people coated me in their gendered assumptions that is obviously a byproduct of societal conditioning, and it's conditioning that ive reinforced in my own behavior and outlook toward others plenty of times too. we all do it, and we are all wronged by the existing coercive gender system.

i dont even care how i fucking identify anymore and i have no intention of changing pronouns again or anything, i'm so bored of it, i just actually want off this fucking thing. im not interested in trying to make others understand what i am anymore or in who i am even being simply categorizable, i dont want to obsess anymore over how i am perceived or to attempt engineer my appearance and mannerisms to broadcast an identity to anyone. i dont even want to fuck anybody right now at all because im so sick of how much that's a gender pantomime for people. i want off this fuckin ride man im so done.

it's kind of freeing, to hit this point of complete gender apathy, and i think it is a pretty common stage of identity development for a lot of queer people who have explored multiple identities and roles over time. there is no category that i actually am, or that anyone is, there are just the frameworks that society has given us to work with to understand ourselves, and the ways in which we flatten who we are to be able to make sense of the world using those frameworks. but who i actually am is so much more contextual and mutable than all that. i am a different person in the classroom than i am on the train platform than i am in the bedroom than i am cuddling on the couch than i am when i'm working out than i am when curled up on the floor crying than i am at a big furry convention. who i am continues to change as new people come in and out of my life and age and change and my body alters and as the weather turns. who fuckin knows man it's nothing and everything. i want to let it just be

[beatrixstonehill2]

"Hey, it's your favorite trans girl influencer, Natalie, here with a quick vid clearing things up since the Q&A with my new bf, Diego. I know you guys were super worried after I livestreamed it and I wanted to reassure you guys of a few things. Yes, I know, Diego misgendered me a lot, he called me he/him when answering questions most of the time and called me 'Nate' instead of Natalie--it's just his petname for me because I was born a boy, don't worry. It's not even my deadname! He's just joking around and having fun.

I know, I've never dated a guy who insists on calling me male pronouns and referring to me by a boyish name but you saw how sweet he was and he's soooo into me! He just loves my breasts, as you could see by how often he touched them and grabbed them while I answered questions. No, I don't mind guys playing with my boobs if I'm dating them. Like I'm totally cool with it in public as long as it's my bf and his friends and not just random strangers. Like I always said I love being the cool girl in a group of guys who's not a prude and down to have fun. I don't care if guys call me a boy or whatever, I just love hanging out around men and feeling their eyes on me, and their hands--er, if we're dating, of course!

As for his answers about me detransing. OK, I'm not gonna lie I was a bit surprised. He never told me how open he was before to me detransing into a femboy and I also didn't know he was bi and into fat guys. That's kind of cute, ngl..... I have zero plans to detransition. You guys know how much I love making content for ya'll, and being an influencer is my whole career. These titties make me serious cash! And I read all your comments and honestly find it so hot when you tell me how much you jerk off to me and how you can't believe I'm trans. But we all saw my cock reveal vid, so ya'll know I'm a guy. Oh, ummm, sorry--that I'm a trans girl! Ahem.... so hopefully you guys won't DM me as much and tell me how worried you are that I'll go and detrans like so many other trans girl influencers like me who started transitioning super young and got big fat titties like these! I promise, guys, Diego was just being a goof, I won't detrans and I'll try to remind him to call me a girl from now on. OK?"

(Six months later)

"Now say you want it," Diego teased his fiance, Natalie.

"Please, baby. Give it to me. I've earned it. I need it!"

"I dunno, I think you still want to play pretend and be a fakegirl."

"No, I swear I want it! Please! I love how it makes me feel. My cock is up to eight inches already! And I can finally cum rope after rope after rope over and over like a regular boy!"

"You do seem fond of jerking off and cooming for hours on end now. You're finally starting to embrace being a boy. But what have you done to earn your testosterone today?"

"Ummm, I jerked off in a women's locker room and got kicked out! I went in, stripped naked, and found this thick pregnant girl who was running on a treadmill, who I watched and stalked all afternoon like a good boy. She had these beautiful breasts, must've been a GG-Cup at least."

"Ah, so like you, but actually a girl instead, not some estrogen-pumped femboy with a fetish for pretending to be a girl."

"Exactly! I went up to her and started gooning like crazy. I jerked off so hard my balls slapped against my fist. It felt amazing! I honestly wanted to fuck her...."

"See? I told you you'd get your perverted male instincts back. How'd she react?"

"Horrified. She looked at me like the biggest creep ever. I stuck out my tongue and drooled, moaning in my new cracked voice, sounding just like a guy...."

"Not that your voice ever passed very well, Nate."

"Mmmmm..... so I jerked off right onto her belly. Security kicked me out as the woman complained that a man wearing makeup pretending to be a girl was in the locker room. I came again, no hands, as the cops escorted me off the premises.... How'd I do?"

"Hmmmmm." Diego smirked in an evil way. "I dunno....."

"But! I acted just like a perverted gooner boy! What else could you want?"

"I want to see you detrans a bit faster....."

"Um.... I need testosterone for that! Please don't take it away..... I can't become a boy without it!"

"Firstly, you ARE a boy, and second.... how would you like to go to jail?"

Natalie blushed. "What.....?"

"Well, with all your public jerk off sessions and cumming on random girls that get your cock hard, I think I can probably get you fast tracked to jail as a sex offender. I have all the evidence right here."

"No..... I just wanna detrans with you! Not be some prison bitch with a shaved head! They'll make me get rid of my boobs! Don't you love them?"

"Nah, I'm tired of them. I think it's time you get those silly things chopped off. Plus, hearing all about your time getting gang fucked in prison and forcibly put on testosterone would be so fun to read about in the headlines and all over social media instead of our private little thing we have going. I can just see it! Famous 'trans girl' influencer caught fondling himself in women's locker rooms, ejaculating on innocent women, I can't wait to read all the comments," he said, almost quoting her.

Natalie's erect cock wagged up and down like an excited dog, making it impossible to hide her excitement. "Um..... OK, I, um..... I'll detrans in prison, and get publicly humiliated.... just to get you off....."

"And you, don't act like this isn't a dream come true for your perverted little boy brain."

Natalie nodded, blushing, her cock cumming on its on, shooting a dozen ropes of cum, hands free. "I guess it is...."

(Two years later)

"Hey guys, finally got a sponsorship! Since I keep eating so much lard on my food I guess this brand reached out. Apparently they're very popular with gaining influencers like me.... On the plus side I'm so fat my boobs are almost back now.... Today marks a year since I got out of jail and Diego's started showing me what a good fat pig I'm meant to be. I pictured myself becoming a stud in jail. I got fit, I worked out, I chatted with the other guys about how many girls we'd fuck after getting out..... Diego reminded me what a submissive little sissy I am....

I'm 350lbs. Diego has me on a 30lbs a month diet so I can get as fat as possible for all of you. When I started trying to become an influencer, doing bikini hauls and trying on cute clothes, showing off my gorgeous breasts and how tiny my cock was, making me look so girly, I never imagined I'd wind up aiming to get to 400lbs asap, posting eating vids all day long, as I make gooning content where I can hardly catch my breath as I watch porn and stuff my face for hours. I feel so disgusting but it's what Diego wants, and if these past few years have taught me anything it's that he knows what's best for me. If he wants me to hit 700lbs I absolutely will.

I can't believe I ever remotely looked like a girl. I watch my old vids and jerk off now. I watch my smelly, fat male body jiggle as I pump my cock, watching my girly self dance and jiggle her boobs, so thin and beautiful. But now I know I'm meant to be a pathetic gooner. I was only playing dress up as a fakegirl to infiltrate women's spaces and get off as I watched them undress or heard them use the bathroom in the stall next to me. I can barely keep my cock to myself in public, thankfully I have this huge gut now making it harder for me to reach down there and goon. I used to be so well behaved and integrated perfectly with other girls, but taking T has revealed what a perverted boy I really am, obsessed with jerking off and staring at women I'll never fuck as my fiance makes me so fat I can't even have sex to begin with.... it's what every fakegirl deserves, and I'm glad so many of you are DMing me with similar detrans stories and weight gain stories as men, after being inspired to transition after seeing my old content, only to realize I'm a fat male feedee and chronic gooner now..... AKA the actual role model so-called trans girls need to start looking up to!"

[girl-failure]

Transwoman needs answers

this isnt an easy post to write and it's going to be full of info about me that's personal and embarassing but I am desperate for answers and assitance so please bear with me. Long story short, im almost 3 years hrt (may 19th will be exact) and it's like nothing has changed. More info under the cut.

I'm going to try and explain everything to the best of my memory, but exact dosages and stuff might be fuzzy and inexact. I began HRT on May 19th 2021, when I was 22. I took one and a half 2mg pills, twice (morning and night) daily. I took them sublingually. I was also prescribed Spironolactone, though the exact dose escapes me (i remember it was 1 pill nightly). I had only come out as trans in the December the previous year, so i considered myself unfathomably lucky to get to start so soon. I had done this through informed consent at a planned parenthood and was excited by the possibility of a future where my own body didn't make me want to die. The idea of changing my body gave me a feeling of control in my life that had been entirely absent until that point. I knew I wanted all the help I could get with breast development (the women in my immediate family are well endowed) and I had read & heard from other trans women that prog could help, but I'd have to wait to ask for it.

I think it was on December 15, 2021, I was officially prescribed 100 progesterone nightly. At this point I had began to notice softer skin, lighter hair, the few bits of acne left over from high school had gone entirely, and the inklings of breasts beginning to form. My libido had all but dissipated entirely at that point, but I was told (mostly by other trans women) it would come back, especially after starting prog, and that my body would likely experience pleasure differently, and that my orgasm would be very different. The fat from my stomach (i wasn't overweight or underweight, i was pretty average for a man my height, but I did have a masculine stomach I despised) hadn't relocated at all, but I knew HRT wasn't a sprint, but a marathon, and I had a long way to go. This continued for a long time, eventually i would be bumped up to two 2mg of E (sublingual pill) twice daily (8mg total), and my Spiro would change to 200mg a day EDIT: My Spiro dosages did fluctuate, though again I don't recall the exact dosages, (I initially got it confused with my prog dosage, sorry), though there was the occasional few week period where I'd be bumped back down to one and a half E pills because I had timed my blood-work poorly. It had been a while since starting HRT and I was starting to worry. My libido never came back, I was unable to feel the sensation of pleasure entirely, my breasts & nipples never became sensitive or had growth pains, and my breasts really hadn't grown at all. My stomach still made me feel awful and masculine because fat continued to pile up there instead of in the feminine places I was told and led to believe it should!!! I was scared and frightened and upset. I'd say I developed an eating disorder but my eating was already disordered. I was afraid of food. Afraid it'd just make me look manly, instead of going to my hips/waist/whatever and breasts like it was supposed to. I began to feel like the hrt that was supposed to save my life was just making me feel worse.

On October 23rd, 2023, I finally started seeing a doctor again after 9 years of not being able to afford it, and only then because a parent got insurance through their work. I was officially prescribed Estradiol Valerate (.3mL intramuscular, and the bottle itself is 20mg/mL) , and quit Spiro outright. Now that I was talking to a doc, especially one who had been working with trans people in my area for years, I was starting to have hope again that maybe injections would solve my problems. After all, they're supposed to be more powerful right? Well after some blood-work revealing that my T levels were so low they were undetectable, we started fiddling with my injection dosages. I went down to .25mL. Nothing changed. I went down to .2ml. Nothing changed. I stayed at .2mL and was prescribed a med called EstraTest (.625mg E and 1.25mg T), a single pill which has both E and T in it, to try and raise my T levels back to measurable levels and hopefully find that golden ratio of E and T where maybe my body will start working again and start changing. But that brings us today. I still don't feel any sensation of pleasure (masturbating is pointless, intimacy just feels like I'm disappointing my partner), let alone a female orgasm (which as embarrassing as it is to admit, I was really looking forward to), my nipples still don't get sensitive and my chest doesn't get sore or get growing pains. My breasts look the same way they did 4 months into hrt. I've still had practically no fat redistribution, though I've gotten better about eating and not being afraid of food. I'm even beginning to notice my acne slowing starting to come back. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Why has nothing worked? Why does it feel like I'm regressing? I lost my health insurance earlier this week, and I can't afford to see my doctor again with my dumb pizza delivery job, so I haven't been able to ask to try anything more drastic to try and fix these issues. My current theories are that maybe my body is just more resistant to E? Which would be awful, but might be handled by just tripling my dose or something? Or

that my receptors are fried, and that the only solution would be to stop taking my HRT for a while (maybe even a long while). I pray that isn't the case, because I'd sooner off myself then let my body regress any further.

So this is a call for help. If anyone has any idea what could be causing these problems for me, or knows how I might be able to fix them, PLEASE let me know. I've lost hope in having a future as a woman, or even just feeling apathy towards my body (instead of intense self-loathing) at this point.

Here's my ca$happ if anyone wants to throw some money my way and maybe I'll be able to see the doctor again. cash.app/$occultChloe

[doberbutts]

I can't speak for everybody who's a trans man or masc of color, but I feel like I've gone most of my life having my femininity stripped away from me for not fitting the mold of white womanhood. Only when I came out as transmasc and started presenting more masc was I forcefully shoved into the role of woman and misgendered again but this time in reverse. I was a man in the eyes of white society when I presented as a woman, when I called myself butch. But since I'm a trans man, I'm suddenly a woman, suddenly addressed super femininely. It's a weird dissonance, I haven't seen anybody talk about it so I assume my experiences aren't universal, but it's a point of frustration. I'm a man to racists until I'm trans, then suddenly I'm a women and always have been seen as super feminine.

You did it! You hit the nail directly on the head!

People used to be horrifically cruel to me on the basis of not believing me when I said I was a girl. I've been groped and pantsed and kicked and punched and had my hair pulled all by people trying to prove that I was actually a boy.

Then I came out as trans and it was "you are the girliest girl woman female I've ever known and you've never been boyish ever" and "if boy now why when 4 wear pretty dress without fuss? Because girl checkmate loser"

Now I'm medically transitioning and it's "I should never have told you [that my natural t levels were high]" and "I should have made you wear a dress/makeup" and "what you need is a husband to put some kids in you and then you'll understand you were always meant to be a woman"

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I asked my best friend to stop sharing his transition with me

[LSKDJFDJKFNLKDJFN keysmash so I can find later. Yeah it's me again] I know this sounds bad but please read the whole thing before you judge.

We're both trans men in our early 20s. We met online around 2021, and he realized he was trans and came out to me about a year or two later. I've known I'm trans since I was at least 16, probably earlier but that gets complicated. I've of course been supportive of him, I have no issue with him being trans in itself.

The problem has been arising because he's starting testosterone soon and I'm not currently able to. He has it so easy compared to me in general. Since we met, he's moved out with his partner, started working out, and now is even able to medically transition. Meanwhile, I'm stuck homeless in a motel room with my transphobic mother, trying to crawl out of a set of circumstances I was thrust into as a kid and piece my life together from almost nothing before I can even think of medical transition. I'm trying as hard as I can to be happy for him, I want him to be happy. But every time he brings up going on testosterone it fucking hurts. Like, I break down and start spiraling into self-harm habits in some sort of mix of jealousy and anger (at my circumstances & God, not my friend), I guess. I'm generally a jealous person toward all of my friends but I try my hardest not to make it their problems. It's not his fault I'm in the situation I'm in, I have no reason to take anything out on him. It just hurts so bad how much easier his life is than mine, in this specific way. None of the other aspects of his life make me break down this hard.

On the one hand, I don't want him to think I don't care, or am upset at him for this. It's obviously such a major, good thing for him, and it's not his fault I'm this jealous. He only brings it up like, once every few weeks, and I feel like I'm over-reacting. (I'm not gonna break up with him over this btw, if anyone suggests that I'm ignoring it)

On the other hand, it ruins my whole day when he brings it up. Like no matter how I try to think about it, I can't stand my life and I wish I could be in his place so goddamn bad and the reminders ruin me. It's not like I don't hide things from him either, if he knew the depths of my problems it'd ruin his day too.

BTW we're only online friends, he lives in a different state from me. This would probably be a bigger issue if we knew each other irl, I'm only able to hide how I feel because there's screens between us.

I just wanna know if I'd be an asshole if I told him to stop. Advice on how to deal with the jealousy would be rad too tho

[cerise-on-top]

WOOO YOUR REQUESTS ARE BACK OPEN !! first of all, HII welcome back, how are you doing? are you doing alright? i hope you are !!! >> p.s, this is the same anon who requested tall husband!reader nd 141 <33 i'll be 🦗 anon from now on!!

i've come back with another (awfully long 😔) rq !! if that's fine....,,!!

okay so i absolutely adore m!readers, and i have another one for that, so the idea is kind of like,, reader is a bit older/the same age as [char], and he's transmasc! though, he didn't have time to transition in his earlier years- he's just recently started t. what do you think price, nikolai, alejandro, nd rudy's initial reactions are to him like being so giddy to start transitioning and just reactions to him changing his body in general? :)

sorry this is disgustingly long again, & feel free to delete this ask if you feel pressured at all <3

— sincerely, 🦗

Hey there! I'm actually doing better than I did yesterday, thank you :D And don't worry about sending in long requests, I don't mind it one bit! In fact, it helps me get a better feeling for what to write :> And don't worry, I was looking forward to writing this! This was probably my most anticipated request in a long time!

Price, Alejandro, Rodolfo and Nikolai with a Transmasc!S/O

Price: He knows that trans people exist. He’s supportive of them, but that doesn’t mean he understands what they’re going through. He’s never really had a phase where he explored his gender, he’s always felt comfortable being a man. However, he’s very understanding. As soon as you come up to him and tell him you’re finally getting your shots or your gel, he’s overjoyed. Yes, you’ve always been his boyfriend, ever since you came out to him, but you’re finally getting to go on the journey of getting HRT? He smiles along with you and gives you a big hug when you can barely sit still from glee. However, that joy doesn’t compare to actually watching you transition. You’re slowly growing a beard, your voice is getting deeper, your fat distribution is changing. He’s there to celebrate every step of it with you. If you’re alright with it, then he’d like to take a picture of you every once in a while so you can watch how far you’ve come yourself. However, he will sometimes make you go on a jog with him. Might force you to go to the gym with him as well since he can imagine working out could make you feel even manlier. Since he’s on deployment for months at a time, he always finds it to be a treat whenever he gets home. After all, he gets to see you transition so much in all this time. In order to celebrate all these milestones he will take you out on a lot of dates, with him paying, of course. You’re his most ideal man, you need to know just how loved you are. Lots of praise too, you’ve come so far, you’ve gone through so much, you’re so very strong. You’ve gone through things Price can’t even imagine. He’s definitely extremely supportive of you.

Alejandro: He’s never considered himself anything but a man either, but he loves trans people. In fact, I like to imagine that he’d actively stand up for them if someone is being a dick towards them. Alejandro is a well respected man who can make just about anyone shut up, he will not tolerate any bigotry. So, as soon as you come out to him, he gets a big smile on his face and immediately starts calling you his boyfriend. And, once you go on T, he’s just as happy as you are. You’ve had to live in such an uncomfortable body all this time, finally you get to feel like yourself. He’ll help you with your testosterone as well, if you let him, of course. Every time he delivers your shot to you or rubs the gel in he gives you a hug afterwards, shaking a bit with excitement, always raving about how happy he is for you. Sometimes he jokes about how hormones can also be exchanged through making out, but you don’t have to kiss him if you don’t want to. Again, it’s just a joke. You’re his handsome man and if anyone ever dared to disrespect or misgender you then they’ll end up with a black eye. As mentioned above, he does not tolerate bigotry in the slightest. Sometimes he’ll run his thumb over your beard and tell you just how gorgeous of a man you are, and how happy he is to have you with him. On your dysphoric days he’ll remind you that you’re the most wonderful man to have ever existed. Trans is just an adjective, you are a man, you’ve always been one. Sits you on his lap, wraps a blanket around you and lists all the traits that make you a man. And even if he can’t make the dysphoria go away, he’ll still stay with you and cuddle you until you feel better.

Rodolfo: I think there was a time in Rodolfo’s life where he thought he was better off as a woman, but that phase didn’t last too long, a year at most. He didn’t go through with anything either, but he knows what dysphoria feels like to some degree. Ergo he’ll never be a bigot towards trans people. He respects them quite a lot, being misgendered and referred to by the wrong name feels so disheartening, having to go through all of that for such a long time is horrible. So he feels a bit bad when you come out to him, thinking that he’s referred to you by the wrong name and pronouns for such a long time. He apologizes for that as well. Of course, he wishes you all the best and will support you through whatever you wanna do. In fact, if you wanna get surgery then he offers to split the costs with you, he just loves you that much. Once you tell him you’ve finally gotten the prescription for testosterone he’s ecstatic. On the outside he may seem calm, but on the inside he’s a bit disarrayed from the happiness he feels for you. He picks you up and spins you around because he’s just that giddy. Will also help you administer your shots or help you apply your gel, if you’re comfortable with that. He’s very observant, so after a few weeks he’ll tell you how you’re slowly starting to change. Like Price, he’ll invite you to do workouts with him so you can become stronger. However, he also offers to learn about other things with you. Is not above teaching you how to ride a motorcycle either, if you don’t already know. Riding one always makes him feel very masculine. As soon as you grow your first stubble, he’ll cradle your face in his hands before squeezing you so tight, you’d think he wanted to break a rib or two. Praises you so much when he sees you slowly change, he just loves you so so dearly.

Nikolai: Not trans himself, has never had a phase either, but if he likes you then he’ll actually pay for your surgery. He actually paid for Gaz’ top surgery because he’s like a son to him and wanted him to be well. You’re Nikolai’s boyfriend, so naturally he’ll pay for anything you might need. Top surgery, bottom surgery, testosterone, doesn’t matter, you’ll get it from him because he wants to be a supportive boyfriend. He’s a very observant man, so he likely had a hunch you were a trans man before you even told him. While he may not have said anything, he wasn’t particularly surprised when you told him. Asked you for your preferred name and pronouns and hasn’t referred to you as anything else since. He didn’t make a big deal out of it. Has threatened bigots before, though. When you told him you finally got to be on T, after all those years, he was happy. Again, he didn’t make too big of a deal out of it, but he told you how proud he was of you. Like Alejandro, he also joked about making out with you, though. Nothing serious, if you didn’t want it to be, however. Will also point out the small differences as soon as he notices them. As you change more and more, he subconsciously becomes more touchy with you. You’re just such a sweet man, he can’t help it. No real reason, just watching you become more and more content with yourself makes his heart flutter too, so he falls in love with you even more than he did before. If you want to, you’re more than welcome to wear his clothes too, regardless of whether they’re too big on you or not. Nikolai is a very tall guy, so there’s a good chance they are. As a joke, he teaches you the sacred art of grilling in summer. You’ll be able to make the meanest burgers around.

[catboybiologist]

you'll always be a woman in my eyes, as long as it's what you identify as, it's what you are. those transphobic pricks who don't have the balls to come off anon are jealous they aren't a beautiful woman with confidence in her identity, like you are. :) I really hope you're doing well and I hope those horrible transphobic assholes finally realize they are just making a fool of themselves.

1. Thank you <3 I don't get insecure about my own womanhood easily, and online transphobia doesn't bother me much, but this is still nice to hear.

2. I haven't gotten transphobia in a while, is this from some older post of mine or is there something going on I don't know about?

3. I have a lot of Thoughts (tm) about my own personal relationship with the phrase "identify as a woman". I hope this in no way seems like I'm annoyed by your ask, because it's lovely, but it's just a runaway tangent train of thought you got me on. In many ways, I don't feel like I identify as anything- I do what is best, healthiest, and most comfortable for me, and the social, biological, and psychological factors settle into place after that to construct an identity. My own personal relationship with "identifying" is that it's not something I actively do, it's something that happens to me, including internally. I'm in the camp of "I used to be a man" for my own personal experience. I didn't feel like I was "actually" a woman when I started transitioning, I just knew that transitioning was something I had to do for my own sake. Since then, my identity has been deconstructed and reconstructed time and time again. Even now, I don't "fully" feel like a woman- I genuinely feel like a "traveller" through a non-binary identity that is mostly woman at this point, constantly getting further away from manhood and closer to womanhood all the time. And don't get me wrong, I feel the progress! I think the last big step is when I start lab and TAing again, and I figure out my relationship to womanhood in a professional setting over time. But there's so much that's integral to the womanhood I do have that I *made*, on purpose, that I forged and constructed and crafted to what I wanted and what I knew would calm my mental state.

And y'know what? My womanhood is so much more real than my manhood could ever be because of that, much like every other accomplishment over my lifetime is so much more real than anything I was born with.

If this isn't what describes your experience, that's fine! I can't and don't want to speak for the experiences, internal and external, of other people- the diversity of experience is what makes the trans community so vibrant and beautiful.

For me, however, I like the idea of my womanhood being a loving, crafted personal project, something I know every facet of because I was there when it came into existence. When did I ever do that as a man? When I was born with particular genitals? At puberty? Did it ever happen, or did I just ride the current of where my body took me?

I am a woman, on purpose, and with targeted effort, and I'm proud of that.

This has very little to do with your ask, sorry about that! Just got me thinking about the way we talk about trans people and identifying as something.

[alwaysandonlyahole]

We talk on an app for a few weeks and you seem so sweet and respectful. You have never been with a trans guy before but you tell me that you are bi and it doesn't matter to you. I am so excited to go on our first date and dress up in my best fake boy clothes. It doesn't fool anyone. I look like a little boy at best but usually just a lesbian or tomboy.

You ask if you can give me a hug and I feel so safe around you so against my better judgement I agree to go to your place after dinner. You bring me some water and I don't think as I gulp it down, we joke about staying hydrated and when I start feeling a little out of it I think it's just being nervous around a guy I like so much.

I forget my act when you kiss me and keen like a little kitten. The least manly noise you can imagine. I'm so desperate to be touched, it's been so long since I trusted someone enough to let them this close. I'm so light headed and infatuated with you I would do anything so I'm perfectly compliant when you guide us to your bedroom.

On the bed you climb on top of me and I realize in a haze that you have gotten me out of my boy clothes and I'm down to a binder and boxers. You laugh and something about it snaps me back to attention. You lean down and whisper into my ear.

"I'm going to rape my child into you. You're going to be my good girl from now on."

No malice or even threat. Just a matter of fact. I try and scream, to fight, but my voice and arms are so weak. All I can do is whimper and cry as you rip my binder off and start to play with my little tits.

"these will fill out when you get that garbage out of your blood and they'll be bigger than ever with the baby comes."

I try to scream again but it comes out as a sad little moan as you suck on my nipples and my cunt drips in response against my will. When you pull off my boxers you see this and laugh at me. You shove two thick fingers in and they come out slick with evidence of my undeniable biology.

"Look, you are a good girl. Deep down you know what you are for. Now lay back and enjoy. You can thank me later for saving you from your stupid delusion."

Tears are streaming from my eyes as you shove your thick cock in to me, I can't help but moan, I hate it, I would rather die than be impregnated, filled up by a real man, walking around so hugely and undeniably female but it feels so good. My little cunt is twitching around you and you laugh at me.

"you really just came from just one pump? Your body is so desperate to be breed. Don't worry. I'm going to keep you and breed you for the rest of your life. Your going to forget what it was ever like to not have my child in you."

I can't stop my stupid body, I have never hated anyone more but my hips rise up to met your thrust and I come over and over as you pump load after load of your seed into my greedy little hole.

This is my life now, your breeding slave.

[femcelbassmentdweller]

Overview of My First Year of HRT (2021-2022)

Hi, my name is Sylvie, and I'm transfemme! I started hormone replacement therapy on September 25th, 2021 and I've been through quite a lot on my journey to a year of HRT so I'm making two separate posts: this one focusing on the medical side and physical changes, and another that will focus on the social side of transitioning. So, here we go!

I realized I was trans the last week of August 2021, then September 9th I came out publicly, September 15th I had my first appointment with Plume, and I received my first Estradiol script September 24th, but consider my official "first day" of HRT the 25th.

I started HRT on sublingual Estradiol pills, 2mg twice a day (morning and night). Psychologically, taking the first pill hit me like a psychosomatic lightning bolt, and the first meaningful change estrogen granted me was an opening of my feelings- I could suddenly experience a "true range" of emotion, I experienced ambivalence for the first time. Physically, within the first week, I was experiencing tingling in my chest/nipples and by three weeks they actively ached, and after about two months my nipples looked different (darker, larger), and my chest started to stick out (36" to 37")

At 2 months my Estradiol was increased to three times a day and Progesterone 100mg (at night) added. By two months, my body's sensitivity had reached astronomical levels, particularly in areas that weren't sensitive before: for me, this was my nipples, armpits, and butt. My skin overall became more sensitive, slight touches made me quiver and my pain tolerance dropped sharply. During my second month my body's smell changed too and my sweat production cut back.

At 3 months, Spironolactone 50mg once a day (morning) was added and during this month my nipples had noticeably expanded and become dark enough to see through shirts, and my chest had grown enough to be noticeable small mounds in a tight shirt (38"). Also by 3 months, random erections completely stopped happening, whether asleep or awake.

Between months 3 and 5 a lot of things happened in my life; the stress and inactivity caused me to lose 50 lbs. As a result, I lost a ton of muscle mass. My thighs, upper arms, and butt became soft and jiggly, I could not lift things I could before, even with great effort.

3 month bloodwork results: E @ 133 and T @ 320

At 4 months, I asked my doctor for Finasteride, which is a DHT blocker- DHT is an androgen created by testosterone and an excess of DHT is related to hair loss, as well as some research I read back then relating to DHT and thicker/darker body hair. Since starting Finasteride, I have only shaved and used Nair on my body itself and I have experienced 75%-80% body hair loss, and much of what hair remains is now vellus hair (light, short, soft).

Between months 4 and 5, I started experiencing sexual dysfunction. Even if aroused, it was a 50/50 shot of whether I could get hard or not. Likewise, I began producing much less semen. This was when I started experimenting with different forms of masturbating too (i.e. using a vibrator).

Between months 5 and 6 I started gaining weight again, and this was when my breast growth was the greatest, going from 38" to almost 41". However, in the growth it seems I lost the sensitivity I had in the early months- my nipples and armpits are still erogenous zones, but not as potent. Additionally, I noticed fat redistribution caused my hips and waist to take a more stereotypically feminine, almost hourglass appearance (and increased from 32" and 34" respectively to 35" and 38" by 10 months).

6 month bloodwork results: E @ 258 and T @ 22

Months 7, 8, and 9 saw only slight breast growth (41 1/2") due to losing weight again from stress, but at this point I have very little body hair left, and even areas which were full before (armpits, groin) thinned out significantly over time- the most astounding of all being my butt, which the cheek hair just disappeared without me doing anything, like the hair just fell off.

Somewhere during months 8 and 9, I completely lost the ability to become erect without medication (doctor prescribed me Sildenafil, aka viagra) and no more ejaculating. Reaching orgasm became a concentrated effort instead of something that came easily, and very little clear liquid would come out during.

9 month bloodwork results: E @ 57 and T @ 28

For some reason my levels dropped between 6 and 9 months, and during that time I became very mentally and emotionally unwell due to the hormone imbalances. My doctor suggested a few things: me not waiting/letting the pill dissolve long enough in my mouth or the pill just not having the same potency on me anymore. So...

At month 10 I started injections and almost immediately started feeling much better. There is a hormonal low day for me every week, the day before I do my injection again, but it's not hard to deal with. I feel like myself!

Now months 11 and 12, nothing really noteworthy to update except I'm desperately trying to eat more so I can gain weight to grow my boobs. Just stopped taking Spiro though, but I use Tgel to maintain my girldick because I'm a Switch.

Lastly, I'd like to say I'm open to any questions anyone might have, and I'll do my best to answer them. You can DM me, email me secretly from a fake account (bellatrixnovus@gmail.com is my email), whatever! I just hope this information is of some value to someone out there!

[asherraccoon]

Dysphoric- Radioapple- Hurt/comfort, fluff, bit of angst- Trans Lucifer AU, Human AU, College AU

(Monthly period oneshot!!) (Love projecting onto canonically male characters as a trans guy 😋)

(Srsly tho, I get so fucking dysphoric on my periods it sucks 😭)

Lucifer curled up in a ball on his bed. He was in a lot of pain. Right now his cramps were absolutely killing him and making him wish he was dead. He hated his body. It wasn't helping that he had slept in his binder and his chest was hurting. He was too dysphoric right now to take it off, though. He heard the dorm door open and then footsteps coming towards his room. 

Alastor entered the room. “Hey,” he said. 

“Mmh,” Lucifer hummed to acknowledge Alastor. 

Alastor set down his backpack by his bed on the other side of the room. He looked over at Lucifer. “Are you ok?” He asked, noticing Lucifer's pained expression and body language. 

“No,” Lucifer mumbled. “Hurts…” his voice was starting to tremble. 

Then Alastor realized the situation. “Oh…” he walked over and crouched by Lucifer's bed. “Is it..?” 

Lucifer nodded. 

Alastor gently brushed Lucifer's hair out of his face with his hand. “Are you wearing your binder?” He asked. 

Lucifer looked away. “No…” he lied. 

“Luce,” Alastor sighed. 

“I don't wanna take it off,” Lucifer mumbled. 

“I know, love, but it's only making the pain worse,” Alastor said softly. “You're also not supposed to be wearing it while you sleep,” 

Lucifer whined. 

“Are you wearing boxers or briefs right now?” Alastor asked. 

“Briefs,” Lucifer responded honestly. 

“Good. Pad?” 

Lucifer nodded. “Yeah,” 

“Good boy,” Alastor smiled softly and ran his hand through Lucifer's hair. 

Lucifer blushed lightly. “Do I have to take my binder off?” He asked. 

“Yes,” Alastor said. “I know you hate how you look without it, but it's important,” Alastor said. “I'll let you borrow one of my shirts so your chest is easier to hide, alright?” 

“Okay…” Lucifer mumbled. He slowly sat up and pulled his shirt off so he could remove his binder. 

Alastor went into his closet to grab a shirt for Lucifer to borrow. He found one that was softer and comfier than his other shirts and went over to Lucifer.

Lucifer held his shirt over his chest and had his eyes closed. He really really hated his chest. He looked like he wanted to cry. 

“Hey,” Alastor sat down next to him and offered the shirt to him. It hurt to see Lucifer so upset and distressed. 

Lucifer took the shirt from Alastor. “Thanks…” 

Alastor turned away so Lucifer could put it on. 

Lucifer closed his eyes again and dropped the shirt he was holding to his chest. He quickly put Alastor's shirt on and let out a breath. “You can look now,” he hugged his knees. 

Alastor turned towards Lucifer again. He took Lucifer's discarded shirt and binder. “I'm going to put these in the wash, alright? Be right back,” 

Lucifer nodded and watched Alastor leave. He lay down on his side and curled up in a ball again. He could feel the fat on his chest and he absolutely despised it. He was also having extreme pain in his abdomen. He started to cry. 

Alastor came back to his partner crying. “Hey, what's going on?” Alastor asked softly, crouching by Lucifer again and cupping his cheek. He gently wiped away Lucifer's tears with his thumb. 

“Hate this…” he whispered. 

“I know, baby, it sucks,” Alastor gazed at Lucifer sympathetically. He gently kissed Lucifer's forehead. “Can I get you anything? Are you hungry at all?” 

Lucifer shook his head. “Not hungry,” 

“I still want you to eat. How about just some chocolate and crackers, yeah?” Alastor offered. 

“Okay,” Lucifer mumbled. 

“Want me to heat up one of your plushies, too?” Alastor asked. 

“Yes please,” Lucifer nodded. 

“Which one? Deer or Fred?” Alastor asked. 

Lucifer had two weighted, heatable plushies. A duck named Fred, which he had since he was 15, and a deer named Deer, a gift from Alastor. He thought about it for a minute. “Deer, please,” 

Alastor nodded. He softly kissed Lucifer's forehead again. “Of course, my prince,” 

Lucifer's heart fluttered at the pet name. He loved being called that by Alastor. But he loved most of the compliments and nicknames Alastor gave him. 

Alastor picked up the deer plush from Lucifer's bed and went to the dorm's kitchen. 

-----------------

Lucifer took Deer from Alastor's hands when offered. He hugged it tightly to his abdomen.

Alastor placed a bag of chocolates, crackers, and a cup of tea on the nightstand next to Lucifer's bed. 

“Al?” Lucifer mumbled. 

“Yes, my darling?” Alastor replied. 

“Can we please cuddle?” Lucifer asked, his voice breaking a little. 

Alastor's heart broke. Lucifer was desperate for comfort. Who was he to deny him that? “Of course, my sweet boy,” Alastor said. He got in bed next to Lucifer and then pulled him close. 

Lucifer leaned into Alastor. His back against Alastor's chest and his head under his chin, basically in his lap. He held Deer on his cramps. “I wish I was a boy,” Lucifer said quietly. 

“Baby, you are a boy,” Alastor said gently. 

“I don't feel like one,” Lucifer said, starting to cry again. 

“My handsome boy,” Alastor lightly squeezed Lucifer and kissed his head. “You'll always be a boy no matter what,” he said reassuringly. “I know your body feels wrong and you hate that, but your anatomy doesn't make you any less of a man,” 

Lucifer wiped his eyes. “I wish I was like you,” Lucifer whispered. 

Alastor squeezed Lucifer tightly. “Darling,” he said quietly. He hated when his boyfriend got so dysphoric like this. He loosened his hug. He cupped Lucifer's face and tilted it up. He placed soft kisses across Lucifer's face. His nose, cheeks, forehead, and then his lips. “You will always be valid, Lucifer,” Alastor said to him. “I will always love and and support you no matter what,” 

Lucifer sniffled and wiped his eyes. “I just wanna be a normal guy… I don't wanna be trans…” he sobbed. “I-I'm s-sorry…” he apologized. 

Alastor hugged Lucifer tight, his face resting in Lucifer's blonde hair. “My sweet, beautiful, handsome prince…” Alastor mumbled. “You know you are a real boy, right?” 

Lucifer let out a small sob. He didn't answer. 

“Love,” Alastor gently rubbed his thumbs over Lucifer's cheeks. “It hurts to see you like this, my love…” 

Lucifer fidgeted with the antlers on his plushie. He sniffled. 

Alastor took a chocolate out of the bag on the nightstand. “Here,” he offered it to Lucifer. “It'll help you feel better,” 

Lucifer took the chocolate and took the wrapping off. He put it in his mouth and chewed it slowly. 

Alastor took the wrapper from him and put it on the stand. He put his hands on Lucifer's hips and gently massaged the area his cramps were at. 

Lucifer let out a soft moan at the sudden rubbing, not expecting it. He sighed quietly and leaned into Alastor. All of Alastor's soft affections and love was making him feel a bit better. “You really think I'm handsome?” He asked. 

“Very,” Alastor said, smiling at Lucifer. “The handsomest boy ever,” he kissed Lucifer's head. “Never forget that, my prince,” 

Lucifer looked up at Alastor lovingly. “You make me feel safe,” he said quietly. 

Alastor's eyes softened. “I'm glad,” he hugged Lucifer tightly. 

“Al?” 

“Hm?”

“Do you think I'm ever gonna be able to get surgery?” Lucifer asked. 

“I do,” Alastor kissed Lucifer's forehead. “I'm going to help you pay for it,” he said. 

Lucifer's eyes widened. “What? You're serious?” 

Alastor nodded. 

“What!? No! Alastor I can't ask you to-” 

Alastor shut him up with a kiss. “Calm down, my sweet prince. I'm going to help you because I want to. You mean the world to me. I want you to feel comfortable in your body. And if that means helping you get surgery, then I'm more than happy to do so,” 

Lucifer started to cry again. “I-I don't deserve you…” he whispered. 

“Aww, baby,” Alastor hugged Lucifer close. 

Lucifer turned to cry into Alastor's shoulder and hugged him back. “I love y-you…” 

“I love you too, my handsome boy,” 

(Here's your guys' break from angst, stop complaining/j)

(BTW this is based on this thingy I found and thought was rlly cute :3)

[shikishake]

yorukura ended. it was a good show, I think; it had some really emotionally resonant beats from some really likable characters and a good message and theme that felt like it came from a genuine place.

and yet, I am incapable of not feeling bitter.

it was queerbait. and somehow, that's just supposed to be fine. I'm left feeling like an idiot for expecting anything more. I'm left feeling like I'm supposed to say something like "oh well, we got baited again. better luck next time!" I'm left feeling like this is just supposed to be business as usual.

but it's just fucking annoying, right? like it happens over and over and over again, rug pull after rug pull, and it's genuinely getting irritating. because every time this shit happens, the same thought pops into my head.

"if they were straight, this would be called bad writing."

they spent multiple episodes deliberately creating romantic tension, and then just refused to acknowledge it in the ending. they just go "fwiends! :)" without even talking about the moment on the beach, or the aquarium date, or the fucking kiss on new years.

they started a romantic subplot -- hell, it wasn't even a SUBplot, mahiru and kano's relationship has been centerstage since the start of the show -- but they started moving them in a romantic direction, and then just fucking dropped it. No resolution, no closure, nothing.

there's value in giving your two main leads romantic tension, and not having them end up together; you can say things about that. like, "there could have been something there, but a conflict changed their relationship" or "there could have been something there, but it doesn't work out" or something. but that's not what happened. this is just completely dropping a part of your MAIN DUO's relationship with no explanation.

if they were straight, this would be bad writing. but because they're two girls, it's "just" bait. because they're gay, it's egg on OUR face; how stupid of us to expect more. they tell us there's romantic tension, spend multiple episodes building it, and then they laugh at us for being idiotic enough to actually believe them.

it hurts doubly because we JUST had the kiui thing last episode. I watched that episode and cried, you know that? it hit close to home. and it was basically explicit confirmation that kiui is, in some way, not cis.

...right? because now I'm forced to start doubting that, too. they never SAY kiui's trans or nb, so maybe some exec on twitter or whatever the fuck is gonna go "kiui is a girl and just uses nox as an online persona, what do you mean non-binary?"

I had so much respect for this show last episode, I genuinely thought there was no possible way they'd pussy out with mahiru and kano. I thought "CLEARLY, they're not shying away from having queer characters. CLEARLY, this means they're gonna resolve this continuously building queer romance. I mean, they just confirmed one of their main characters is queer, in-show, using some of the least ambiguous language I've ever seen anime use. I can trust them; it'd be silly not to, after this."

it's just fucking annoying. it makes the show's entire theme of "be your authentic self, even in the face of society's rejection! cringe is dead, irony is cowardly; say something beautiful and true!" ring hollow.

[carmsgarms]

just wanna hug you for the jkr post bc my former friends made me feel insane for not validating their continued engagement 💜

Bestie listen youve unzipped me and im about to go off. Harry Potter was my entire life until she literally couldn't shut the fuck up about trans women being perverts and infiltrators. I was a lonely neurodivergent weirdo and Harry Potter brought me solace as a kid. I read each of the books at least 7 or 8 times, that shit is INGRAINED in my brain. One of my best friends of 10+ years is my friend today because the first thing we bonded over was seeing the last HP movie. I used to be deadset on my 2nd tattoo being my pottermore wand with my hogwarts house. I wanted a fucking HP-themed wedding. The first funko pops I bought were Harry Potter ones. My first serious boyfriend told me he wanted to propose to me in front of Hogwarts castle (this was something he said to guilt trip me when i dumped his ass) ((also thank the gods that never happened he was a shithead and so is jkr)). My mom for some godforsaken reason let me help her name my youngest brother when he was born because she couldn't think of a name and my 10yo ass fuckikg picked DANIEL because of Daniel Radcliffe. I was in DEEP.

And you know what? Aside from the books I camped out to buy on release day and the DVDs that are crammed in a box somewhere in a storage unit, I have gotten rid of every single Harry potter thing I owned because I grew the fuck up and found better things to like. Sure I'll watch the DVDs again every few years to feel the nostalgia again because a good chunk of the cast are great people (we fucking stan Dan Radcliffe and David Tennant in this house ) but I'm not giving jkr another cent of my money or an inkling of my time beyond that.

You are so valid and you are allowed to be upset if your friends continue to engage with Harry potter content.

Anyone who days "uwu my nostalgia" ask them if they still sleep with their fucking baby blanket too.

My former boss wouldn't shut the fuck up about the new video game when it came out. At least once a week he'd ask me if I'd played it yet and every single time I would tell him "I'm not engaging with that franchise anymore. JKR uses money to fund anti-trans legislation." And he'd always spout some bullshit about nostalgia or "but it's SO good" or "yeah I just try to separate the art from the artist / oh but the devs who worked hard on the game! / but playing the game doesn't actually support her! (yes the fuck it does if the game does well it boosts her platform)"

And especially now that my wife has come out, I'm extra ready to fight the next grown person who tells me they ~separate the art from the artist~ like fuck off. There are better things to spend your time and energy on. I hope everything JKR makes flops hard. Everything shes done since the last movie has been a disgusting cash-grab and none of it is even good. I'm beyond thrilled that BG3 has had a wild runaway success and a longer-lasting player base than the fucking game she put out. Nothing has ever disappointed me more than JKR being the way that she is.

Oh but the lore and world building? The ability to make your own character in such a fun and magical immersion world?bDnd has better lore than Harry potter ever did and the lore adds up and makes sense. If you look at her shit beyond the surface level she is actually fucking TERRIBLE at world building especially when she tries to do it without being a fucking racist ((does anyone remember when early drafts for the American magic schools that were using Native American imagery and it was all REALLY FUCKING OFFENSIVe and let's also not forget "no-maj" being the least fucking creative thing she ever came up with)

"But my hogwarts house" PLEASE choose a better Personality.

I have more nostalgia for Avatar the Last Airbender these days since i got into that when it first started airing when i was 12 (and look if you're really into the fuckin houses as your Personality you can get that with ATLA! Water tribe forever bitches)

"But the characters!!!" Please. There are better characters ALL AROUND YOU. pick up a fucking comic book. Yknow Superman actually has a similar structure, he's got the nerdy Normal friend and the love interest and it's a goddamn shame none of the movies include his bestie Jimmy because he's just as important as Lois Lane is.

"But all the strong female characters!" It is 2024 please I beg you to find other female role models (I will again point to Avatar the Last Airbender and Literally Any Comic Book Featuring A Woman. Captain Marvel is actually really good. Battlestar Galactica is also chock full of strong female characters and that came out in the early 2000s!)

Bestie i genuinely feel bad for all the fucking white people who can ignore all the bullshit JKR has done and said and all those sad saltine cracker flavor type people whose entire personalities are Watching The Office and Enjoying Harry Potter And Star Wars. Grow up. Move On.

If it's that important to you (and i mean the general you here not you specifically), please do what I did and Marie Kondo that part of your life. You don't need to hold onto the safety blankie you had as a child. You don't have to hold onto the pair of shoes that got you through high school and are out of fashion and falling apart. You give it a sendoff. Say "thanks for getting me through that part of my life but I'm moving on" and you move the fuck on.

I did something really sappy for my 30th birthday - I said goodbye to the franchise. I mourned what could have been. I went to Universal studios ((also bc Simpsons land and fast and furious ride and ET and a bunch of other stuff are there)) but I stopped into Harry potter world to do everything once and say goodbye to that part of my life since it was something I had wanted to do for most of my youth, and my friend who i became friends with because of harry potter was there with me. We drank the fucking pumpkin juice, had breakfast at the three broomsticks, appreciated all the little easter eggs around hp world, rode the hagrid ride, and ate a chocolate frog I wore my trans rights shirt and dressed gay as hell, my friend is trans so he just ~existed blissfully~ . I think every Harry potter fan needs to acknowledge that the franchise was good for them in the 90s, mourn that part of their life, and move on.

Bonus: me being Gay as Fuck in front of the castle. I hope JKR fucking rots and fades into obscurity and people come to realize she's worse than HP Lovecraft.

[mrsfrecklesmarauders]

CW: Gender dysphoria and unexpected periods

***

Remus didn't feel well. It hadn't happened in months. And Remus thought that he had finally got rid of that horrible torture. But when he went to take a piss during the night, he was surprised to see his trousers stained with red.

Remus was too shocked to move and stayed in the loo for a while as tears dropped down his face silently. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair! Remus had been three months on T.

When he was able to move again, he sneaked out of the dorm in search for Poppy. She was the only was who he trusted with something like that. Even though it was still very embarrassing.

Poppy was very comprehensive providing Remus with tampons and pain killers.

Remus didn't know how he managed to return back to bed without waking up the boys. He shared dorm with the most cool three boys he had met. It was thanks to his old friendship with Sirius that gave him access their friend group. They were truly amazing. And Remus was just so embarrassed to even think about them finding out. Of course Sirius knew he was trans since he met his old self. But Remus didn't want anyone else in that school to know. He just wanted to pass as a cis boy and fit in.

The next morning, as the boys woke up and started to get ready for school, Remus stayed in bed hiding under the covers, ignoring James's insistant calls. It got to the point where James got irritated for being ignored. But Remus wasn't planning of getting out of bed anytime soon.

"Care to wake your sleepy stubborn friend, Pads?" James groaned as Sirius finally came out of the shower "We're missing breakfast"

Remus's eyes filled with tears. He felt guilty and sad but he couldn't move. This awful thing was painful.

"Don't worry, Prongsie" Remus heard Sirius’s voice with amusement "I'll take care of the sleepy head. You go ahead"

"I'm sorry but I'm starving!" James exclaimed with a sigh. Remus heard footsteps towards the door.

"Oi! Wait for me, Prongs!" Peter called out as he jogged after James "Hurry up, I won't save you breakfast again, pretty boy!" he added quickly as he closed the door behind him.

It had become a routine for Sirius and Remus to stay behind every morning. Sirius took ages in the shower, and took his time getting ready, and  Remus was a sleepy head who struggled to get on his feet. Plus, James and Peter didn't have the patience to wait for them. Sometimes they did and they all got late for breakfast. Most times they didn't and they saved Remus and Sirius something to eat.

Though today, Remus wished Sirius had gone with the other boys. He was too ashamed to face Sirius right now. Sirius, the boy Remus had a big crush on. Sirius, the boy he might be falling in love with. Again.

Sirius was so gorgeous and perfect. So manly and sexy. Remus was so pathetic. He hated his stupid feminine body. He hated that he was born a girl.

"Moony?"

Remus closed his eyes wishing that way Sirius would disappear.

"Come on, handsome. We are really late"

Remus's nostrils felt Sirius’s fresh shampoo giving him a strange desire to get closer and sniff harder. It was bloody delicious.

"Nut guin' " Remus mumbled under the covers.

"What was that?"

Remus took a deep breath "I said I am not going!" he snapped "Tell the teachers I feel sick or something"

"Are you really sick, Moony? Want me to get Pomfrey?" Remus heard the concern on Sirius’s voice. And Remus hated him for it.

"Just go, Sirius! Leave me alone"

Remus could feel Sirius’s presence leaning towards him.

"Can you at least tell me what's wrong with you?"

"Told you, I'm sick"

"But with what?" Sirius asked "Flue? Headache? Bellyache?"

It felt worse than those maladies. Remus knew girls went through it every month without a problem. But Remus was not a girl.

"Just fuck off, Sirius!!"

Remus felt guilty by the irritated way he sounded.

"Right" Sirius sighed, and Remus was relieved when he started backing away "I'll go, but can you please come out to do my tie? You know I suck at doing it myself"

Sirius didn't have the patience to fix his own tie. Whereas Remus had begged his father to teach him. Wearing a tie was a men's thing. And Remus wanted to be a man. When Remus got to Hogwarts, and discovered that Sirius was always with a messy tie, he volunteered to help him. Remus hadn't mind. Any excuse to be close to Sirius, breathe his cologne and feel his sweet toothpaste breath was enough. Although not today. Not when Remus probably smelled like shit.

"Do it yourself" Remus mumbled.

"Noo! We have Chemistry today and Slughorn is not going to leave me alone about my tie. You know that twat" Sirius said with a whine. "Moony, help!"

Remus was feeling more and more the neccesity of punching Sirius’s face.

"Moony?"

Remus didn't answer. But he was clenching his teeth.

"Fine!" Sirius sighed "I guess I won't go as well. I can't possibly go out of this room without my tie perfectly done..."

It happened in the matter of seconds. Remus jumped out of bed like a cat, groaning and cursing like a sailor, and grabbing Sirius’s tie as he pulled him closer.

"If I fucking do this would you fuck off and leave me alone?? Jesus Christ!! You're so annoying!!"

Sirius blinked at him in surprise. He looked concerned that Remus might strangle him with the tie.

"I'm sorry" Remus said, feeling guilt.

Sirius showed him a comforting smile. God! Could anyone be this beautiful with their hair wet and sleepy eyes? Remus was dizzy with such beauty. Or maybe he was just dizzy. He got out of bed very quickly.

"I really feel like shit today"

"I don't want to bother you, Moony" Sirius said as Remus fixed his tie "But I am worried. Should I get you something? Some medicine? Some food? Pomfrey?"

Remus couldn't face Sirius’s intense eyes on him so he fixed his gaze on Sirius’s tie.

"I'll be fine, Padfoot..." he was trying that nickname out and what a better way to do it than show Sirius he was fine, with a smile "I just need some..."

Remus stopped talking and even thinking when he saw it. Just on the shirt's collar. Pink and clear. A stain of lipstick. Actually several marks across the white fabric of Sirius’s shirt.

Remus knew Sirius was popular amongst girls. Apparently he had dated an older girl last term. And that gave him a reputation. Now, Sirius was seen with a different girl each week. Of course, he was bloody beautiful. Who wouldn't want him?

"Moony?"

But that lipstick mark made Remus sick. He thought about a girl sitting on Sirius’s lap, kissing his neck with her pink lips. Her breasts pressed against his chest. Sirius panting and moaning, pulling her closer to his crotch...

"You have lipstick on your shirt" Remus confirmed out loud. He wanted for Sirius to say it was misunderstanding. That it wasn't lipstick but paint or grape juice, something.

Though Sirius’s reaction was of amusement.

"Oh, God!" Sirius said as he took a look at his shirt "I didn't even notice it was there"

It was lipstick then. Meaning a girl had kissed his neck.

Sirius giggled "Imagine Slughorn's face noticing I have more action than him. Bet he and his wife have the most boring sex life ever"

Remus couldn't even bring himself to fake a smile.

"Good thing Vanessa only left a lipstick mark and not a hickey...." Sirius said with a frown "Wait, was it Vanessa?"

Remus had to face once and for all that he would never have a chance with Sirius. Remus was so common. Who would want a freak like him? A boy who wasn't even a real boy because boys didn't have bloody periods. Plus, it was crystal clear that Sirius was straight. He could have anyone.

But it hurt. It hurt everytime some other girl flirted with Sirius, kissed him or worse.... He didn't even want to imagine how they touched him and made him feel good.

Remus was now so dizzy that he also felt nausea. He couldn't take it anymore. The pain was so strong and the nausea was so awful that he ran to the bathroom to puke.

"Remus?"

He was so pathetic. God! What was wrong with him? It was truly embarrassing to be this lame and uncool in front of his crush.

Remus let out a few sobs as he emptied his stomach. He felt Sirius’s presence behind him. But he couldn't face him. He just stared as his own sick as tears filled his eyes.

"Hell no!" Sirius snapped angrily "I am not going anywhere, Moony. You're not okay. And I am staying with you. Whether you want it or not"

Remus felt how Sirius sat next to him on the floor. And stroked his back gently.

Remus couldn't take it no more. He bursted down crying. He covered his face in embarrassment.

Sirius pulled him into a hug. Remus couldn't believe how someone who smelled so good, fresh out of the shower, could hug someone who smelled like vomit and probably period blood. Remus was so disgusting. Though Sirius didn't seem to care. And that thought made Remus cry even more.

The next hour or so passed in a blur full of tears, messy hugs and stupid attempts to make Sirius go. But Sirius was stubborn. He stayed. He even texted James saying none of them would go to class and help them make an excuse for the teachers.

Sirius also convinced Remus to take a shower which probably was for the best since Remus was stinky. And Sirius gave him some privacy while he went to get them some food.

Remus bathed, changed into comfy clothes and by the time he got back to bed with a sad expression, Sirius was back with a tray of what seemed like a delicious breakfast.

"When Manolo knew you were sick, he thought you should be fed like a king" Sirius smirked as he put the tray in front of Remus "You should get sick more often" he added as he put a strawberry on his mouth "It suits me"

Unfortunately strawberries reminded Remus of the girl's lipstick. Vanessa, was it? He wondered what flavor her lipstick was. He bet it was strawberry flavored.

"I'm not hungry" Remus replied. "And you should really go to class"

"Go to boring class when I can have breakfast like a king and have your sweet, and not grumpy at all, company?" Sirius asked as he took a seat next to Remus, took a sip of the glass of juice and smiled "Guess what my decision would be"

Remus swallowed "I'm not grumpy"

"You're pouting, Moony" Sirius said "It's so adorable"

Remus stopped making the pout he didn't even know he was making.

"I even got you a piece of chocolate cake" Sirius pointed to the tray.

Eggs and bacon with toasts. Strawberries, orange juice, a cup of black tea and a piece of chocolate cake.

It all suddenly looked tasty if Remus thought about the effort Sirius had made for him. He probably told Manolo exactly what Remus liked for breakfast and that he usually ate a lot. It was sweet to think about how much Sirius cared.

Remus smiled slightly as he took a bite of the chocolate cake and oh damn... He hadn't had food as delicious as the one Manolo prepared.. And he really craved something sweet at the moment. Chocolate was always a good idea.

"I can see you're enjoying it"

Sirius watched in amusement as Remus finished his cake in two bites.

Remus swallowed and twisted his mouth in a smile.

"You should eat as well" Remus pushed the tray towards Sirius’s side.

Sirius gave him a sweet smile and grabbed the fork "I was planning to" he said as he stuffed some eggs in his mouth.

Remus watched him chew, swallow and lick his lips afterwards. It wasn't fair that Sirius was so gorgeous it was annoying. He couldn't look this perfect while doing something so mundane like eating.

"What?" Sirius raised an eyebrow.

He took a large bite of a piece of toast as well.

"I will need the energy if I am babysitting your grumpy ass all day" Sirius said with his mouth full.

Remus took the toast from Sirius’s hand and took a bite as well.

"I thought you said you weren't hungry!" Sirius protested.

"Wanker" Remus mumbled with his mouth full making Sirius laugh.

Remus knew if he had been left alone, he would have stayed in bed, cried until he fell asleep and repeat. But Sirius’s presence made him distract himself from the pain and actually have a good time.

After eating they talked about random stuff while sharing a cigarette. They used Remus's ipod to play songs to each other. It was a game to prove who had better taste. Remus always won.

Later on, Remus forced Sirius to read a book while he finished the one he was reading currently. But damn, Sirius got easily bored. He was trying to tickle Remus or bother him for attention.

"Read your own book, Sirius, and fuck off!" he rolled his eyes.

"But it's boring!!!"

Sirius put his chin on Remus's shoulder, giving him a shot of sparks on his tummy. He smelled so good that it gave Remus lots of desires.

"Fifty shades of Grey?" Sirius said as he read the cover of the book he was reading "Moony what is this? Soft porn?" he added as he read its contents raising an eyebrow "How come your book is better than mine"

Remus blushed. "Lily said it was good!" he spat as he took the book back. "And Mobby Dick is also good"

"Mmm... I didn't know Evans was so kinky. Don't you think Prongs needs to know?"

Remus couldn't avoid but laughing.

"It's all about the romance"

"You find lashing someone romantic?" Sirius asked trying to reach the book again. But this time Remus was too quick "Let me read that again!"

"No!" Remus laughed as he put it over his head and Sirius tried to reach it "Watch it is not my copy"

"Evans's, ha?" Sirius grinned "I want to know what Mr. Grey does later on, are you into that?"

Sirius began tickling Remus, making him giggle like a kid. "Stop! Sirius, Stoop!! Ahaha...."

It was all fun and games until Sirius ended up on top of Remus in bed.

Suddenly, Remus was aware of Sirius’s warmth covering Remus. His hard chest. The muscles of his arms. His thick legs. God, his crotch was touching Remus's belly. Just by acknowledging that, Remus's body temperature rose quickly. It was fast how Remus's body ached in desire. It got worse for the hormones that the period brought.

His face burned as well as the rest of his body. Especially when Sirius stared at him like that. His gray eyes flickered through Remus's face as if he was some sort of piece of art. Remus noticed how Sirius's cheeks were adoringly pink. And he liked to think he provoked that.

But maybe he wasn't the only one.

"Vanessa, ha?" Remus spat, pushing Sirius away from his body.

Sirius blinked "Ha?"

Remus stared at the book on his lap "Maybe you should read this and practice all of it with Vanessa"

Damn, he sounded more jealous than he intended.

Sirius raised an eyebrow "Vanessa is so over. You know I don't repeat girls, Moony"

"Oh sorry, my bad" Remus rolled his eyes.

Sirius smirked "Are you jealous?"

Remus snorted in response. But that said it all for Sirius.

"Bloody hell, you are jealous!"

Remus blushed immediately, internally cursing himself for being so obvious. Friends weren't supposed to act all possessive about other friends. But God, this was the boy of Remus's dreams. He was the boy that had owned his heart since he was ten. The boy whose name Remus had written inside hearts, the boy who he pictured while listening to love songs. And definitely the boy he wanted to live a romantic fantasies with. Like Fifty shades of Grey, for example. But that was his horny ass talking.

"Don't worry, Moony" Sirius smiled as he stroked his curls "No girl is going to take me away from you... They come and go, Moons. But our friendship is forever"

Remus smiled at those words. Best friends forever. They had sworn it with Moon wishes and saliva promises.

"Plus, do you think I would be in a random girl's bed if she were sick?"

Remus chuckled "Oh I bet you would"

Sirius laughed "Okay, maybe... But for selfish reasons. Not because I care about her...." and he stared into Remus's eyes as he said the next thing "Not like I care for you. You are my favorite person, Remus"

Remus cursed his swing moods and the fact that his eyes were filled with tears again. To hide his face, he hugged Sirius’s waist like a child. He pressed his forehead on Sirius’s chest, smelling him in.

Sirius was surprised at first. But then Remus felt his body relax and started caressing his hair.

Sirius’s beauty wasn't the only thing that Remus liked about him. He was a golden friend. He cared about Remus like no one else. He made Remus feel special and safe.

They had been close back when they were kids. But now, just in a short time, they had gotten even closer. Everything was easy when they were together. They laughed until their tummies hurt. They understood each other with just one look. They gave each other peace. They were comfortable around each other even if they gave each other physical affection.

The best part was that Sirius had accepted Remus as well as Rosie. Remus could just be himself around him. What a better way to love than that one?

It didn't matter if Sirius randomly snogged girls or let them kiss his neck leaving lipstick marks on his clothes. Remus had the satisfaction that they weren't important for his horny teenager best friend. Remus was.

Remus was just glad to have his best friend back. Life had been torture without him.

"Sirius?"

"Mmm?"

"Thank you" Remus said trying to swallow his tears. He couldn't cry again.

"For what?"

"For staying, for being, for bloody existing" Remus let out a soft chuckle and then sniffed. Remus couldn't see it but he knew Sirius was smiling beautifully "I would do anything for you, Moony"

Remus believed him.