#and of course someone who's going through grief and ptsd

[a-stitch-in-time-and-space]

benjamin sisko autism

benjamin sisko as a man with mental health issues of some kind

the visions of joan of arc the trials of moses, you will bleed into the story until you are more mythology than man, more dream than dreamer

mythologies and religion is the same as science and travelling you will die if you keep having these visions

sports creating narrative structures you cannot know until you have reached the end

despite the feeling that the end will bring sorrow, you must continue 

benjamin sisko as larger than life and as a relatable man who is struggling with how his mind works

[leascorner]

b.b. | Emergency contact

Summary: “I changed my emergency contact, just so you know.”

Pairing:  Bradley Bradshaw x f!reader

Warnings: Angst, mention of multiple accidents, mention of break-up, probably inexact medical and american army facts, deaths, grief, mention of trauma/PTSD, mention of food

Word Count: 4.7k

Author note: y/n = your name; y/s/n = your sister's name. Enjoy!

Masterlist

Maverick saw her first.

Hair all over her face. Cloudy eyes. Blank cheeks. Y/N looked even worse than what he had thought and considering the situation, that was perhaps to be expected. He could only imagine the call she had gotten when maybe she was on her way home after work. The kind of call that just say, “your loved one is at the hospital”. They could be dead already. They could be alive for now, but dead before she’d make it there…

Maverick did not know her personally. He knew, however, who she was and who she had been to Bradley. He had heard what had happened at that time; even if his godson had not gone into much details - he wasn’t exactly one to confide about his love life. Being aware of her story, he felt like this moment would be exactly like any of his own PTSD - reliving your worst nightmare. He had known from the moment the nurse had told him he was not family - Y/N was - that whenever she would show up, he needed to be there for her.

Getting up from the seat in which he had been waiting for some times now, he called out her name. Her eyes scanned the whole room before landing on him. She had never seen him other than in Bradley’s old photobooks, but she recognized him immediately. Though Maverick was now a couple of years older, he looked as in the pictures. It relieved her to see him there; it was partly because he did not look like someone who was going to have to bury his godson any time soon. Of course, it also startled her. The last time she had talked to Bradley, many (many) years ago, his resentment against Maverick was consuming him. She guessed they had finally worked things out.

“We were testing new materials,” Maverick explained as he sat her up in the seat next to his. Though her cheeks were slowly regaining colour, she was still trembling like the leaves of a tree caught in the wind. Perhaps it was being in this ER room again, in the exact same hospital, after all this time. Perhaps it was also the adrenaline wearing off. “Bradley’s jet had an issue and he had to extract. He landed quite roughly though. His left leg is pretty messed up.”

Y/N stayed silent, staring at him, and Maverick let her be. Of course, she had imagined him to be dead. Though she had just heard the contrary, her brain took a couple of seconds to work everything out. “So, he will be alright?”

He nodded slowly and Y/N let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. She was selfishly relieved. She wouldn’t have to decide on the last clothes he would wear. She wouldn’t have to be handed his flag and colors. She wouldn’t have to watch his coffin buried six feet deep. She wouldn’t have to read over and over that stupid phrase written in the marble of this grave. She wouldn’t have to get through this again.

She had done that too much for her own lifetime already.

“Doctor, this is Miss Y/L/N”.

Maverick’s hand on her shoulder made Y/N surface out of her thoughts. She was quick to hop onto her feet and greet the surgeon that had just joined them with a nod. She braced herself for whatever news he had to give - couldn’t be that bad, Bradley was alive after all - and when it didn’t come, she presumed from his look that he was silently waiting for Maverick to go. She understood now that she was the only one listed as his emergency contact.

“He can stay, he is family.”

The surgeon nodded and started to explain in a more complex manner what Maverick had already told her before. Bradley would be immobilised for a couple of weeks, waiting for the bruise in his knee to resolve before he could undergo surgery. After that he would still need to have Physical Therapy before being cleared.

“How long until- how long ‘till he can go back to flying?” Y/N asked, nervously.

“A few months, six at most.” At her side, it was Maverick’s time to let out a shaky breath. He already knew it was going to be difficult to keep Bradley off the tarmac for this long. “He is awake now, if you want to visit.”

After they thanked him, Y/N heard Maverick turning to her - only a few seconds away to say what she assumed to be a “you go first” - and she stayed frozen on her spot, not able to make a move as she finally understood she could be seeing Bradley again – it had never crossed her mind before. There was no way she was facing a very much alive Bradley today. Not today, nor any time soon.

“You go, I’ll handle the paperwork.”

Maverick knew better than to say a thing; he only nodded, thanking her quietly. He knew she would most likely be gone when he would be back. He didn’t blame her though.

This was just a tragic story.

Bradley saw her first.

He had been at the beach near Penny’s bar probably a thousand times since he last spoke to her, all these years ago. Yet, never had he seen her there.

Watching her, sat on an enormous beach towel, watching Henry - or at least he guessed it was Henry - playing in the sand a few feet away, he could only feel guilty for what he had put her through a month ago. The call from the military hospital, the minimal information given, the drive alone, fear clenching her stomach, the parking lot where she could’ve vomited her gut out, the hospital smell. It must have been like reliving her worst nightmare. Except this time there was no tragic ending...

He had changed his emergency contact as soon as the painkiller had permitted him to think straight. To be honest, after all those years, he had forgotten she was even mentioned in his file. They had never been married and therefore had never been officially together for the Navy. He really thought no one was his emergency contact; it only felt natural having no family of his own. No parent. No wife. No kid. Now, he only had his godfather - they had reconnected a couple of years ago.

He was only relieved this had happened when Maverick was here, that someone was able to be by her side and that this time, she didn’t have to live it all alone.

Though he wanted to, Bradley did not go and apologize. He imposed so much on her already. Breaking her heart. Letting her go. Probably scaring the hell out of her. No, he definitely had done enough already.

He was mentally wishing her all the best from afar, ready to turn back to the bar, when the little boy at her side made his heart stopped. One of his tiny fingers was pointing in his direction and it took only what seemed to be a second for Y/N to turn around as well, her eyes landing on him. Against all odds, she waved shyly in his direction, which made Henry - who he had only met when he was still a couple of days old - waved at him as well.

Awkwardly, Bradley waved back and decided that at this point, he couldn’t just turn around and leave. The walk to their spot was pure torture with his messed-up knee for which he had yet to undergo surgery.

“You are the guy in the wedding picture in the hallway,” Henry said once Bradley was to their level. Bradley frowned, not sure what to answer to this. Of course, he understood he was talking about Y/S/N’s wedding, though he didn’t quite understand how this little guy would have recognized him in the hundred guests that must appear on the pictures.

“There is a picture in the hallway,” Y/N simply answered, before explaining to Henry that the polite way to greet someone was to say hello first.

Bradley only nodded, preferring to stay silent as he wasn’t really sure what to say now that he was there.

“How is your knee?”

“Well, could be better, I guess?” Bradley shrugged and Y/N nodded, a serious expression on her face. He hadn’t been in the best of mood due to his injury, and he realized too late this tone wasn’t the friendliest. To make sure she didn’t take it personally, he was quick to continue: “I wanted to say-”

“It’s okay,” She cut him off; she couldn’t be sure what he was thinking, yet she wanted to spare them both the struggle of his thanks. She hadn’t done him a favour running to his side at the first call. In fact, she hadn’t really thought anything, coming running blindly to the hospital as the nurse on the phone told her he had an accident. Maybe it was selfish of her, maybe this time she had thought she could save someone she knew.

“No, I don’t think it really is…” He sighed. “I changed my emergency contact, just so you know.”

“Thanks.”

Some more silence.

Bradley’s hands had become even sweatier, and it wasn’t due to the weather of the first days of spring. This whole situation was literally making him so uncomfortable. It was like walking on eggshell; he didn’t want to break her even more.

“I very am sorry.”

Bradley wasn’t sure what he was really sorry for. This wasn’t just for the scare, last month. It was also for breaking her heart, leaving her the second he had his dream job - like they couldn’t have made it work, not being around when Y/S/N and her husband died in that horrible car crash, him only sending flowers for the funerals, him not calling to make sure Y/N was surviving - how could he have, when he was the one leaving her to live his dream life and she was now the legal guardian of her six-months-old nephew at thirty something.

Y/N only stared at him, trying to see through him like she used to. He was sincere - she knew that much.

“I know.”

It had been a little more than three months when Bradley saw her again.

He had just completed yet another session of physical therapy; though it had been ten weeks since he had surgery and he didn’t need crutches to walk any longer, he still had not recovered the totally of his knee motion. Maverick was driving him twice a week to the military hospital to have PT; with his messed up left knee, Bradley couldn’t drive his manual Bronco.

While he was patiently waiting for the secretary to hung up the phone to get his next appointment scheduled, his eyes landed on a familiar face in the ER waiting room. She was here yet again, eyes puffy and red, breathe short and hair all over the place.

“Y/N?”

Hearing her name, she jumped from her seat, all senses on alert. Her eyes scanned the room urgently before stopping on Bradley. Understanding it was him calling her name, the tears she was holding back started flowing on her cheeks again. His heart started to pound furiously in his chest as the only thought that passed his mind was that something terrible had happened. Again.

“Hey, hey,” he said once he had walked - not so easily - to her. Instinctively, she wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in his white T-shirt. She was grabbing him as if he was a lifebuoy. “What happened?”

As her only answer, her body broke into violent sobs. Bradley kept her close, stroking her hair gently, trying to soothe. It took what seemed to be like a couple of minutes for her to at least remember to breath and a couple more for her to be able to speak multiple words in a row. This time, Bradley held her through it all.

“Henry fell down the swing and the school called and- and-” Some more sobs rocked her body and Bradley only held her tighter, heart swelling of seeing her in this state. She must have had the scare of her life. Again.

“It’s okay,” Bradley reassured her. “Is he with a doctor now?”

She nodded, more tears falling down her cheeks. “He has a bad cut on his forehead,” sob, “needed stitches,” sob, “I couldn’t - I couldn’t” stay with him, Bradley understood even if she didn’t finish her sentence. “Shouldn’t see me like that.”

“It’s okay.”

Y/N was still grabbing his T-shirt like she would drown had she ever let go, so he held her a little more, wondering how long she had been in the ER waiting room, clearly in utter panic.

“Breathe with me,” he said. She looked up at him and gently, he dried off her tears. For one split second, he was brought back to that night, what felt like a hundred of years ago. He had promised her everything would be okay. How wrong had he been…

If anything, this was a very bad remake of their break-up.

“He is okay now, more fear than harm.” Y/N nodded, trying to gain back her composure. “You know, somebody told me one day that scars actually made you look pretty badass,” he pointed to his own scars on his chin and cheeks. “It will be a hit with girls and boys for sure.”

“I don’t remember saying that,” she finally smiled. There she is, he thought.

“Miss Y/L/N?” Y/N let go of him to turn to the doctor he understood was taking care of Henry. “We are all done. A nurse is doing his bandage right now. It will need to be redone once a day for a week and we’ll see him again in ten days to remove his stitches.”

Y/N squeezed the hand Bradley didn’t realize she was holding. She was relieved and still, she did not move when the doctor went away.

“You’ve got an automatic, right?” This made Y/N turned back to Bradley in surprise. He had that small smirk on his lips that she could recognize anywhere. The one that he offered when he had a surprise for her. Whatever it was a bath after an extremely long day or to watch Love Actually for the second night in a row when she was on her period. All she had to do back then was to follow his lead, she knew he would take care of her. The truth was, she would have followed him anywhere.

And even after all those years, she still trusted him.

“You do the paperwork, I’ll get him?” Y/N nodded slightly, muttering a quiet thank you. After yet another nod to make sure she was okay, Bradley finally let go of her hand and went to get Henry. On his way, he texted Mav to let him know he did not require a lift up from the hospital anymore. Something had come up, but he’ll explain later.

When Bradley entered the examination room, Henry was sat down on the examination table and a nurse was just finishing to put the last blaster on his forehead.

“Hey buddy!” Henry’s eyes face lifted up seeing Bradley on the doorstep, unfazed it was him rather than her aunt who went to get him. “A little birdie told me ice-cream would make it all better.”

“Bradley!”

Against all will, the ice-cream little “date” had become a recurrent event now. It started ten days later when Henry had his stitches gotten taken out - Y/N asked if she could pick him up after PT to return him the favour. Then, it was a week or so later, for the end of the school year. Then again, on regular occurrence during the summer - sometimes with their friends and family. Some other times, just the three of them.

Today was the first day of the new school year, Henry’s first day of 1st grade. It also was six months now that Bradley had been in contact again with Y/N. Still a couple of weeks until he could get cleared for flying again. A couple of weeks until he would be deployed somewhere on this planet.

And Bradley, picking up Henry from school with ice-cream for celebration, wasn’t really sure how to feel about it; he had decided to elude the matter for now.

“Hey buddy!”

Bradley watched the little guy through his reversing mirror to make sure he was putting his seatbelt on before driving off. He and Y/N had planned to meet up at the beach, once she would have finished work.

On the way there, Henry told him all about Mrs Simpson, his new teacher; how he got lucky to be paired with his best friend, Tom in the class room, and how sure he was that, by Christmas, he would be able to read so they could share reading of his bedtime stories: “You’ll read Daddy Pig’ part and I’ll read Peppa Pig’ part, okay?”

Yes, after all, Bradley definitively did not want to think of his future deployment; he would rather just stay here, in this moment in times.

After taking a swim and perfecting Henry’s swimming techniques (Bradley had taught him how to swim during the summer in between two ice-cream dates), Bradley and Henry were in the middle of sandcastles building contest when Y/N finally arrived.

Bradley sat on the beach towel, Y/N at his side, as Henry excitingly told them about his day and most importantly, all the painting materials they had in his class and that he couldn’t wait to test. The sun was starting to decline in the distance, bathing them in its last warm sunshine. A soft breeze was tenderly blowing his hair. Y/N, with Henry on her knees, was sharing a story of her sister’s first day of ‘big girl’ school and her nephew had a million questions about his mom.

Like every time the subject was brought up in his presence, Bradley tried to add as much details as he remembered of Y/S/N. It was some of his best childhood memories after his dad died: Maverick and his mom making sure his dad’s memory was still alive. He hoped it would be the same for Henry.

“You know what our family tradition was to celebrate the first day of school year?” Henry shook his head no. “Pizza night!”

Bradley laughed as the boy’s face lighted up; he was quick to be on his feet and gather his stuff to get back to the car - it was probably the first time ever Henry would agree to leave the beach without making a fuss.

Y/N helped Bradley to get up - even if he had told her multiple times before that his knee was perfectly fine, she had still treated him as if he would fall down any time. He was attending his last physical therapy sessions by now and he had already started physical training at the base. In a few weeks, he would have to have a medical examination to confirm he could fly again; his accident was well behind him at this point.

Folding the beach towel together, Y/N took this as the opportunity to thank him again for picking up Henry that day.

“My pleasure,” Bradley had assured her.

“Seriously, I owe you big time. I couldn’t see myself putting him in afterschool for his first day.”

For a split second, Bradley saw on her face an expression he knew by heart but couldn’t quite recall what it was; the next second, she was continuing to file her bag with Henry’s beach toys. It took a moment more to Bradley to understand what he had just seen: guilt. The same guilt he had observed in his mom eyes when there were things he asked, and she couldn’t simply offer him as a single mom.

“I don’t know if you are being told that enough but Y/N,” He gently grabbed her wrist to make her stop filling her bag and look back at him. “You are doing more than good with Henry.”

“I am trying my best.”

“And you are doing good,” he assured her again, squeezing her hand in his. Realizing what he had just done, he grimaced slightly but Y/N was quick to reassure him and squeezing his hand in return. “Let’s go.”

Later that afternoon, they were sat down at Pizzeria Luigi, waiting for their pizza. Bradley and Henry were having a funny face contest - Bradley copiously winning despite all the kid’s efforts. Y/N was laughing along with them, the small intimacy moment they shared before was long forgotten.

“That’s a cute family you got there,” the waitress smiled as she put their pizza on the table.

“Oh, we are not-” Bradley started, but was quick to be cut by Y/N saying:

“Thanks!”

While Y/N exchanged a few more banalities with the waitress, Bradley looked at her, utterly touched she would consider him family. He was incredibly lucky she even accepted him in his life again, after how much he had hurt her. On the restaurant terrace, surrounded by the last rays of the summer sun, she looked so happy. When she looked at him with her big sparkly eyes and the biggest smile on her lips, his own heart swelled of happiness.

And he swore he could have kissed her. Right here, right now.

“Henry, can you go wash your hands please? Dinner is almost-” Y/N passed a head through the kitchen door framing, looking what Henry was doing in the entrance corridor. “Bradley?”

“Hi,” he greeted her quietly from the doorstep, Henry by his side the doorknob still in his hand.

Bradley stayed silent, not moving, and his eyes wouldn’t quite meet Y/N’s. It wasn’t uncommon for him to come over - he was more and more these past weeks, but he was usually texting first to confirm he wasn’t imposing on them. Him showing up unannounced, at that time of the night, was odd.

“Your hands, please.” The kid passed in front of her on his way to the bathroom and Y/N waited for him to be gone before turning back to Bradley.

He was looking at a picture hooked up on the hall wall. The picture of his sister’s wedding on which her sister, her husband, Bradley and she were all smiling. It has been taken a few weeks before he was accepted into the academy. A few months before her whole world crashed down. He had walked by a multitude of times before, yet today he couldn’t take his eyes off it.

“Bradley?”

Bradley’s attention finally went back to her, a look on his face Y/N couldn’t quite read. It wasn’t the apologetic look he had worn when he broke up with her. It wasn’t the mask of fury she had seen on his face when he had explained to her one night that his US Naval Academy application had been rejected, by Mav out of all people. It wasn’t either the naturally serious face he would most often wear, nor the sly smirk she had seen on his lips so many times.

His stare was even darker than usual and heavy on her. She couldn’t quite figure out what he wanted to say if he wasn’t using words. One thing she had learned with Bradley was to not rush him and let him come to her.

“We were about to eat, mind to join us?” She asked instead of the millions of questions in her head.

He only nodded, not speaking a word. Y/N took another look at him before heading back to the kitchen.

They stayed silent for a couple of minutes in the kitchen, waiting for Henry to come back from the bathroom. Knowing the kid, with the times he was taking, he was probably making a mess with the soap in there, but none of them went checking on him.

Y/N was watching the vegetables cooking and Bradley was leaned against the kitchen sink unit, deeply in his thoughts, arms crossed over the short-sleeve shirt he still wore even if it was already late October.

“I’ve been cleared.”

Y/N was surprised by the tone of his voice - if there was only one thing for which Bradley was living, it would be flying. “Is that… a bad thing?”

Bradley sighed, passing a hand on his face. He had only received the news about an hour ago and the first thing he had done was to drive to Y/N’s place. He had tried so hard not to think about this moment and what he would do - as if he had any other option than just to follow the orders. Now that the moment had come, it didn’t feel right with him.

“I-” another sigh, “these last months, I just realized what I could have had if-”

If he hadn’t felt like he had to do it on his own.

If he hadn’t been too scared of hurting her.

All those moments he shared with Y/N and Henry over the last few months had made him realized that his own fear - of hurting the people he loved and especially leaving them behind - had prevented him to live some beautiful moments. He had self-sabotaged himself, breaking off with Y/N so he could be sure she wasn’t hurt by his choices - ironically enough. He had shut her off, convincing himself somehow that he was doing the right thing for the both of them - and how wrong had he been, those last few months had proven him.

“Do you remember what you told me when you broke up with me?” Y/N asked suddenly, making Bradley look back at her. He wasn’t exactly sure what he had said besides ‘sorry’ and ‘I love you’. When he thought about that night, he could only remember her tears, her hands grabbing his shirt and not wanting to let go of him. She had fought for them, so hard, but he had already made up his mind.

He shook his head no as Y/N moved closer.

"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can come together,” Y/N reeled out quietly as if she had re-lived this scene over and over again in her head.

Bradley laughed bitterly, “I overdid myself on that one, didn’t I.”

Y/N wasn’t laughing. She was staring at him, this determined look on her face. Like she had waited for this moment for a while now. “I do think that is true, somehow,” Y/N smiled softly.

She had thought about this a lot over the last few weeks - it wasn’t just only her now, she was also responsible for Henry. It wasn’t her intention falling back in love with him, after Bradley got back in her life. She had been pleased to find in him a friend, a friend that had rekindled a flame inside her with his sly grin and attention. She felt more alive than ever. He made her feel so… whole.

Heart pounding, Bradley watched her intensely. There were unspoken words in the air, words neither of them wanted to stay out loud, too afraid it would break the spell. He knew looking at her now that they were on the same page. He knew he could let go of his fear; whatever life had in store for them would always be worth it.

They could have stayed like this forever. But Y/N couldn’t let her chance pass.

Without warning, she kissed him. If he hadn’t been leaned against the unit, Bradley would have fallen backwards from the feeling of her lips on his, how his hands found her hips by instinct to bring her closer to him, and how he could feel the warmth radiating off her. It was like in his best memories, and just like it had always have been: two puzzle pieces fitting together perfectly.

“What does that mean?” he whispered as he pressed his forehead to hers. He needed her to say it.

“That, perhaps, you could add me back as your emergency contact?”

[valenshawke]

I can't say I'm terribly surprised by (some) of the reaction to this episode.

There's a contingent of fans that one (or more) of the characters and ships.

But trying to apply a dichotomy of who is right and who is wrong really fails to get a bunch of points.

Yang, Blake, and Weiss acted according to how they were brought up and socialized. An excellent post by phoenix-fells gets at what Yang is doing. And this post by bumblebyaf gets at how much Ruby has actually been through it.

Ruby likely has some in-universe PTSD at this point because... I mean... look at what she's been through? Ruby has BEEN THROUGH IT and hasn't had much in the way of support.

As a character-building moment, I am all in for it and I was happy that she finally got to be angry and vent her frustrations. Was logical? Of course not. But it was EMOTIONAL. And she's has had to mask her true feelings or just bury them because she's the leader of Team RWBY, she's the one everyone depends on, she's a huntress, she's the one everyone must count on.

If there's any group or individuals in the series that are wrong and have failed all them, especially Ruby, it's the fucking adults. From TaiYang's emotional shutdown (as someone who lost a parent before I was a teenager and saw first hand what that'll do to one's spouse, I can sympathize and understand. Still doesn't make it right, still has a ton of negative consequences), to Ozpin making her the leader despite being 15 while Weiss, Blake, and Yang are 17, to Ironwood's general misguided evil-for-the-greater-good strategy of killing anyone/letting everyone else die to save his piece of the world, to the other older Hunters and Huntresses just treating them as equals and not realizing they might be licensed but they still some maturity and guidance and support. Ruby, sometimes, got that from Qrow. Sometimes. Most of the time, she's had no one to vent to, no one to really show vulnerability to, no time to be vulnerable (even by herself).

"But Val," you say, "she had that opportunity after the fall of Beacon and immediately formed a new team with Jaune, Ren, and Nora. She's HAD the opportunity to at least take time to herself and mope." Did she? Did she really? Or did she act exactly as what was expected of her by everyone else that was still around? Did she think she probably owed it to her now scattered and broken-up team to try to salvage something? She might have had a choice at the most basic level. But given her personality type, her own beliefs on duty, I don't think she really DID have a choice. And again, she bottled up the grief and sadness, and kept going despite the fall of beacon, the death of Pyrrha, and the first death of Penny from earlier.

Ruby is going to feel guilty and horrible about what she just did. It's going to add to her breakdown. It'll be interesting to see if the writers draw from the Volume 4 (boo-hiss, I know) episode where Yang has to work through her trauma.

Ruby's ascension is going to be the most interesting. What aspects of her will change? What kind of leader will she be going forward? Yeah, I still see this being the case, the show IS called RWBY.

But yikes on the some of the reaction. For all the criticism that Ruby has developed the least by virtue of her role in the story, it was clear that the writer's have been setting up her breakdown and growth and we're finally getting it. After all, if you want to learn, you have to suffer.

[kandisheek]

FIC REC WEEK 14 – AUTHOR WEEK

AUTHOR SPOTLIGHT: itsallAvengers

If you've been in this fandom for any amount of time, you probably already know that itsallAvengers is a gem. I've read their entire AO3 catalogue, and I loved each and every fic that's on it. Their writing is incredible, and I wouldn't be surprised to find out I've read some of their fics hundreds of times, especially the hurt/comfort-y ones.

Here's some of their work that I think you should check out:

Hold me, I'm yours

Pairing: Steve/Tony Rating: T Words: 7,229 Tags: Fluff, Avengers Family, Marriage Proposal

Summary: Steve is a little touch starved, and Tony is more than happy to satiate him in any way that he can- much to the despair of the rest of the Avengers, who would just like to eat their cereal without having to watch mom and dad make out on the tabletop, thank you very much.

Reasons why I love it: Oh my god, they're SO CUTE, I can't! The rest of the Avengers despairing at them (and not so secretly being happy for them) is the best, and I absolutely love that ending, holy shit, Natasha is a queen. This fic is so happy and fluffy, and I really want you to experience it for yourself, so go ahead and read it!

Memory Lane

Pairing: Steve/Tony Rating: T Words: 3,669 Tags: PTSD, Hurt/Comfort, Protective Steve

Summary: Suddenly, he's soaking - someone just threw a fucking water bomb or something, and it's not a big deal, it shouldn't be a big deal- But for some reason, it is.

Reasons why I love it: Steve taking care of his sweetheart, what else could we want? I really feel for Tony in this one, and I bet the entire team feels awful for what happened too, so I'm glad that he has Steve to be there for him. This fic is wonderful, and I hope you give it a read!

Talking Bodies

Pairing: Steve/Tony Rating: T Words: 13,268 Tags: Misunderstandings, Insecure Steve, Oblivious Tony

Summary: Coincidentally, the physical effects of romantic and sexual desire match up very closely with the physical effects of fear. But it's not a problem-- it's not like anyone is going to be able to hear the way your heart speeds up, or see the minute dilation of your pupils, are they? They'd have to be some sort of Superhuman to do that. And what's worse than a Superhuman hearing that quick pulse and seeing those dilated eyes and concluding that you're in love with them? A Superhuman hearing that quick pulse and seeing those dilated eyes and thinking you're terrified of them.

Reasons why I love it: This is one of the most fun misunderstanding fics I've ever read. It feels so logical that Steve would come to the exact wrong conclusion, and of course they confront it in the most ass-backwards way possible. We love our idiots in love. This fic is fantastic, and I hope you check it out for yourself!

Going Steady

Pairing: Steve/Tony Rating: T Words: 13,497 Tags: Domestic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD

Summary: Steve has a soft spot for the sound of Tony's heart.

Reasons why I love it: I love how despite all of their flaws and their shared trauma in the past they still find a way to love each other wholeheartedly. This is one of the most beautiful takes on the Infinity War aftermath that I know, and a fantastic exploration of how they deal with their PTSD to boot. I adore every word of it, and I hope you give it a shot, if you haven't already!

'Til Death Do Us Part

Pairing: Steve/Tony Rating: T Words: 15,612 Tags: Presumed Dead, Grief, Hurt/Comfort

Summary: Steve goes on a mission. Steve dies on the mission. Or at least, SHIELD make everyone think he's died on the mission. In reality, he's alive and well, and still kicking ass. If only someone had let his husband know that.

Reasons why I love it: Oh god, poor Tony, he's going through a lot in this one. I love how Steve comes to the rescue though and how he deals with SHIELD afterwards. This fic hurts, but it makes up for it with lots and lots of comfort and fluff. I love it so much, and I bet you will too, so go ahead and give it a read if you haven't already!

[sukifoof]

its 6 in the morning and ive been up all night so now u all have to listen to me be insane about flowey. anyway i really really love how undertale portrays flowey’s trauma as i’ve said plenty of times before but the thing that’s getting me today is how well it touches on the subject of feeling trapped or stuck. he has this constant theme of isolation that’s extremely prominent to his whole character-- the only one who’s neither human nor monster, the only one capable of taking control, the only one who directly talks to you about your time shenanigans, the only one who’s. Like That. everything about his character sets him apart from everyone else and i love it so much. there’s several other characters who have a similar isolation theme going on (toriel, mad mew mew, alphys, etc) that parallel flowey’s loneliness, but he’s too stuck in his trauma to be able to see that he’s not alone. which makes a lot of sense!! trauma can leave someone feeling like no one else would Get It, especially the kind of grief flowey has been dealing with.

first, he wakes up as a flower. no one is there. he’s numb, and who knows how much time has passed. his mother has left. his father has killed six people he died to protect. chara is gone, and that’s really the biggest thing. the one person who he lived through that trauma with is gone. he’s literally alone with his memories of what happened. he sits there and has to question what’s real, probably replaying everything over in his head who knows how many times. and chara’s still gone. and oh, he can return things to the state where he first woke up-- and chara’s still gone. no matter how much he tries to go back, he’s trapped in the present. he has this distinct separation from his family, because his parents could never understand how he’s feeling, and the person who could is gone and isn’t coming back. when frisk fell, i’m sure he was just living through everything again. of course he tried to take their soul; it’s what chara would have wanted, right? it’s like this is his chance to make up for what he failed at in the past, and in a way he sees both himself and his sibling in frisk.

flowey’s situation in particular gives such a clear view into what ptsd is like. constantly reliving your trauma and looking at what could and can be done differently to prevent it from happening. waking up and suddenly realizing that so much time has passed, but you still feel the same way you did when it first happened. thinking that you have more control over everything than you really do, which leads to even more self blame about what happened. lashing out because of how lonely you feel, and realizing just how different you are from everyone else. frisk falling down forces flowey to realize that he’s not in control. he couldn’t have controlled chara’s actions or thoughts, and he can’t control everything else, no matter how much he wants to or think he can.

i think a lot about how flowey could have just let everything go on. he didn’t have to keep resetting, and yet he did. because he can’t accept that he’s living in a world where he won’t always know what’s happening next and how to perfectly lead everything to the happy end that he wants. so instead he chooses to live in a loop because at least he knows what will happen. he says it’s boring and that he has to know everything that will happen because he’s bored, but it’s likely because of his Various Control Issues born from his ptsd. when he’s given the time to properly grieve and show that he can be understood, it’s like he can finally accept what happened in his childhood, and that he had no control over chara. he’s been stuck in this weird limbo of feeling like he knows better than everyone else, and that everything that happens hinges on him and his decisions. that kind of thinking and his isolation definitely lends to how he has a hard time viewing people as people, which further throws him into his isolation.

i really like that the true pacifist end allows him to say goodbye to his past and chara and to finally get out of this pit he’s been stuck in, metaphorically and literally lol. i’ve never seen anything else portray that specific kind of grief as well as undertale has and i appreciate it so much cuz it’s a very lonely thing to live through. i think kekkai sensen, live a live, and omori handle grief in a similar way that undertale does, which i also really appreciate... it’s a very sensitive topic that toby has written extremely well and i’m so excited to see what he does with deltarune cuz his writing is just. always so good. i keep saying this but flowey feels so much like a traumatized burnt out gifted kid who tried to go to college and immediately dropped out cuz he completely freaked out when he realized everything was just gonna continue happening and chara still isn’t there i need someone else to understand this i am begging. i hope this post is at least mildly coherent <3 i love flowey hes my Big Favorite

[deripmaver]

Casca Spits On Your Grave

I was gonna write up a whole long post about what I want Casca's ending to be, what I think is likely based on canon up to now and some of the themes Miura has developed, and look at some endings I've seen people discuss and give my thoughts on them - and then I got lazy LOL.

Plus I realized what I really wanted to discuss is just, as the title suggests, whether I want Casca to have her whole badass revenge arc where she takes out all of the demons and apostles who assaulted her and killed her friends one by one in a show of bloody vengeance, ending with her as Judith beheading Griffith's Holofernes, etc etc etc.

The short answer is yeah duh LOL. Casca goes from a brilliant and capable mercenary commander to a traumatized shell of a person who is terrified of all men, even the ones that she'd known and trusted prior to the Eclipse. In her dreamscape, the horror of what she faced is finally explicitly shown from her point of view - the penis monsters and the feelings of revulsion they produce in her little sprite indicating the terror of repeated assaults and attempted assaults. It's blunt to the point of being over the top but I mean... It gets the point across.

Then, of course, the climactic moment in the corridor of dreams where you see the eclipse rape literally through her eyes. It's incredibly rare to see rape scenes presented that way, in that first person POV, and going from that directly to the image of Casca shattering into pieces makes me tear up even to this day.

Side note lol I probably didn't need to describe the corridor of dreams chapters but I genuinely can't help myself, I love them so much.

In those chapters and the later ones where Casca has her PTSD flashbacks, she remembers all of the beloved memories of the people she loved and is made catatonic again when she remembers she lost them. The corridor of dreams makes it clear that it was Griffith's rape specifically that shattered her. Losing all of the Hawks, being betrayed by Griffith - of course she should get revenge on the monsters that did that to her. One by one she should destroy them, letting them taste just a fraction of what they put her through. Not to mention she was in her regressed state for so long I know I'm not the only one itching for her to fight again.

Here's the "but" though. Or maybe it's more of an "and" idk if any of y'all have done improv LMFAO. Yes and.

I think part of the appeal of rape revenge is that it gives the catharsis of seeing rapists punished violently in a world where they rarely face justice at all. However, what a lot of these movies miss, because this truth is far more uncomfortable and unpalatable, is that the scars of trauma remain even after vengeance is fulfilled. This is especially true if the perpetrator is someone the victim knew, as is the case for Casca. There's the focus on justice and catharsis and violent revenge because in a lot of ways it's easier to stomach that than it is to stomach the how utterly shattering it is to be betrayed so thoroughly.

It's uncomfortable to see Casca the commander reduced to Elaine. It's uncomfortable to see her helpless and terrified and reduced to trembling and sobbing in front of a reborn Griffith as the reader is reminded, just for a moment, of who did this to her. It's uncomfortable that even after her mind is restored that she can't even think of Griffith without going completely catatonic, that she grips Farnese's hand in terror as she sleeps because the trauma is still literal thorns around her heart, continuing to hurt her.

You know what? I think this is objectively good writing. There's no revenge. There's no becoming stronger. There's just grief and betrayal and Casca's broken heart. .........the fact that it took literally 20 years to restore her mind and that Miura included like half a dozen attempted rape scenes of her in her infantilized state is uh, not objectively good writing.

There's a fine line when it comes to writing rape trauma, though, and if Casca stays completely broken and unable to heal that starts leaning into the opposite end of harmful tropes. That's why I do think she should find the strength to fight back and get revenge for herself and her fallen comrades and kill Griffith. However, I can't help but think there's a desire for her to stop appearing so outwardly traumatized and start taking revenge because trauma is uncomfortable to read. Every moment she's on page she reminds you of how deeply Griffith betrayed her. At some point it becomes nearly unbearable.

Miura's grasp of writing trauma is kind of a mixed bag, but one thing he is clearly aware of is how its effects are lingering, and how it informs how someone interacts with the world. This is true in how he writes Guts in the Wounds chapter, and also how he writes Guts after the Eclipse regressing into violence and vengeance because of his trauma. Guts only begins his journey to process the trauma of the Eclipse when he reconnects with Rickert, and then later Casca, and then later accepts companions again. This leads me to believe that this lingering trauma response from Casca isn't an example of him not knowing how to write trauma, or women, but is a deliberate choice and not one I feel the need to critique.

Casca should become a fighter again, and she should start to genuinely heal and, as Miura said, face up to what Griffith and the demons did - but at the end of the day what happened to her is soul-crushing. She should also continue to show the lingering effects of it, and she should get to lean on the communities of women she's cultivated, and she should get to have moments where she's terrified and overwhelmed with trauma - no matter how uncomfortable it is to read. When it comes to depictions of rape and rape trauma, I genuinely think that will be on the whole more holistic than having her just getting revenge.

It'll be really satisfying seeing her kill some apostles though I'm ngl. Hopefully we'll get there eventually LOL

[cr1ms0nesp3ra-ac3]

I CUT AS A BLADE..

A SACRED GUARDIAN.

File Name:

Kaiden "Kaizer" Stones Williams

Age:

28 ( joined the military since 21, the AAF in 23 and 141 Task Force when he is 24. )

Ethnicity:

British-American.

Nicknames:

Kai, Steel, Blade, Will, Blade Soldier, Son, Brother, Bro, Sergeant.

Callsign:

Steelblade

Close friends(in military):

Emily "Miller" James, Robin "Jetfire" Munichkin, Kyle "Gaz" Garrick, Johnny "Soap" Mactavish, Captain John Price, Simon "Ghost" Riley and Fyodor "Code" Anderson.

Height:

6'2ft.

Occupation:

Band Guitarist, ( still on going but he has to retire ) Sergeant Blade Soldier, [HIDDEN OCCUPATIONS]

Voiceclaims:

Loki from Marvel (British)

Captain America, also from Marvel (English)

Skills:

Observation, Sensing Danger, Blades, Daggers, Throwing Bombs, Stealth, Protection with Blades, Secret Gun Skills.

Weapons:

Custom DX6 IronBlades (HIDDEN REASON BECAUSE SOMEONE MADE THIS FOR HIM) DX-38 Iron Dagger and DX2 Iron-1 Dagger.

Languages:

English, German, French, Italy.

Beauty marks:

[ HIDDEN DUE TO CONCERNED REASONS FROM

CAPTAIN PRICE]

Disorders:

Depression and PTSD.

Personality:

"Sign of Empathy" - When it comes to seeing people in a similar state he is in. Kaiden knew he had to empathize anyone in a kind and comforting matter. Because no matter what, Kaiden is the type of guy to show how empathetic he is in.

"Just a Hidden Facade" - Kaiden has been through a lot of worst and terrible things he is in and in his own early life. Whenever he sees the others who turned very concerned and worried for him. All he can do is to fake it, pretending he is just okay even though he is not okay at all. No matter what when anyone asked him if he is okay, he can always fake it.

"Observing for Bravery and Self Sacrifice" - Kaiden was too focused to be serious when it comes to missions and risky missions. Observing is sharping the true great senses to him. Protection is also what makes Kaiden become the strongest blade soldier ever. With a slash and a swing, Kaiden was protective to his teammates, even his Captain. But that's okay, Kaiden doesn't care if the risk is too risky.. he'll make it anyway to sacrifice his own life for everyone to protect.

- - - - -

Family:

William "Jaxson" James (father)

Melanie Smith (mother)

Jax James ( brother )

Harmony "Smith" James ( sister )

Early Life:

Born in July 4 [HIDDEN DATE], Kaiden and his own family lived in Los Angeles, USA. Along with his one younger brother(Jax) and one middle-ish sister(Harmony).

Kaiden, was always a father's boy. The two joined the military in each different ways.. but until they were told to join the AAF/ALTER Army Forces due to personal reasons. That worried Melanie and Harmony. But Kaiden reassured them that they will come back when it's all over.

But for Kaiden, he was dreaming of a life of being a rockstar because his own father gave him an electric guitar when he was 14 on his birthday. This made him happy however.

But unfortunately, his life is soon to be upside down when something happened on a last mission. Something that he would recommend not explaining it.

...

....Kaiden is the only one who knows that his father died from [HIDDEN CONCERNED REASON].

This, of course... Shocked him.

But since his return, he had to lie to his family that William went missing. But he and the AAF were the only ones who knows that he died.

And now, with all the grief spiralling him.

..Jaiden had to run away from this spiraling madness because he can't stand the grief that he experienced to his father's death. Guilty to leave his siblings behind.. The Williams Family was about to go on a bankrupt because Melanie didn't even have time to pay taxes, before Kaiden ran away from home.

..Years had go by, Kaiden was now all alone without a single graduation. He was about to be a junior because he is sophomore. The boy had to live in an apartment alone, because he just stole his mother's wallet and his father's too in order to not let anyone know his poor.

But...however, his own life will turn downside up when he saw familiar three of his old-childhood friends needing help to start a band. "Shoot the Rockstars" is the name.

There was Jake, the bassist. Scott, the co-guitarist and Elena, the drummist needing help for a new singer.

And that's why Kaiden had to make his own life happy yet again, by becoming a singer guitarist!

His life is happy yet again when Shoot the Rockstars had grown so much, both of them were so close and always hang out very well and good!

...Til the darkest days returned. Why?

The friends are about to host an anniversary celebration for the band's progress until..

...

A friend showed up at the Golden Bar, "Derek 'Bulletproof' Johnson", Friend of William "Jaxson" James.

He told him to read the letter his father made and asked if he had to sign for the 141 Task Force.

Because of one reason.

Kaiden was confused at first.. he didn't understand why Derek has to tell him to read a letter William made.

It read as follows:

To my son Kaiden, I know you are reading this. I don't think I'll had to tell anyone to send this to you from a risky mission that I will soon die.. yet.

You are in deep trouble.

The Crimson Corp, the secret army is targetting me and so is you. They're the secret and most strongest organization ever.. and I can tell they're planning what to do on us. Torture, abuse, suffering... I was so scared of what will happen if they officially found you.

But I thought, that you had to become stronger for me. I know you can, but it's your own choice whether you had to take it or not.. You're still lucky that they haven't found you.

But please, this is the only way to not let them capture you. They're gonna be so shocked when they see you as the strongest person ever. Especially Theodore, the boss and leader of Crimson Corp.

But um..again. You don't have to do this, it's your choice. And that is fine.

From - William

P.S: Do not tell everyone, and I mean everyone about this. Only the ALTER Army Forces knew for this.

And the rest of the file infos is hidden.

...End.

[thesimulationswarm]

Balsam, Chapter 4: A Little Cemetery

This is a story about trauma. What trauma does to a person, and what trauma does to a community. And how, in the midst of it, people find their way to joy, delight— even love.

Pairing: Joel Miller x original female character Summary: After the events of tlou, Joel and Ellie try to establish a “normal life” in Jackson, but neither of them are any good at normal. A town doctor tries to care for residents who have experienced unspeakable trauma, and struggles to overcome her own past at the same time. Joel finds himself drawn to her, as their lives become increasingly intertwined. Meanwhile, outside Jackson, troubling things are happening… Rating: explicit 18+ MDNI Word count: 5.7k Warnings: slow burn (there will be smut eventually), canon-typical violence, descriptions of medical situations, trauma/PTSD symptoms, painful adolescent social dynamics, LGBTQ issues, Ellie and Joel figuring out how to be family, Tommy and Joel figuring out how to be family

Series masterlist

At the council meeting, it was Jenna Starkey who saved Dr. Connor. 

She sat up straight, eyes puffy but dry, and looked at the people of Jackson. “He got to die with his wife, his baby, and his dignity. I know it’s what he would’ve wanted.” Maria watched the audience nodding gravely at her words and murmuring among themselves. Most people there had seen enough of violent deaths to know going quickly was better than going slowly. 

But there were dissenters. Big Michael, of course, who felt betrayed by Nina. He’d come to her to save his closest friend, and instead she’d killed him. He was calm today, at least— subdued, the weight of grief settling down into his shoulders.

Archie Hayes, who ran the butcher shop, said Nina “had no right to take the Lord’s work into her own hands.” Maria saw Nina’s eyebrows rise at that, and knew what she was thinking: pretty rich for someone who spent his days eviscerating chickens and sawing through the leg joints of lambs. 

But thankfully Nina kept her mouth shut. Tact wasn’t always her strong suit.

Then there was a group of women from the kitchens, where Starkey had worked. Chrissy, Lena, and shy Marisa Robinson, her face stained with tears. They all came up together and spoke about what the community had lost when Starkey died, and how he hadn’t even been given a chance to survive. The testimony had emotional impact, but it ultimately couldn’t outweigh the opinion of Starkey’s widow.

Maria watched the crowded room carefully, assessing every face and posture. She had experience reading juries, but it was harder when the jury was the size of a small town. Sure, Nina wasn’t on trial— not in any official sense. This was just a discussion of what had occurred on the day that Starkey died. She knew the council members, and knew that given the circumstances, the majority would not favor any sort of formal charge.

But even if most folks approved of Nina’s actions, any serious objections still spelled trouble, and she was alert for signs of them in the meeting room. The doctor could walk freely out of here today, then be attacked in the street tomorrow. She’d seen it before: an accused murderer acquitted, only to be hit by a rival gang. Or simmering tensions could grow over time until they split the town into rival factions.

Maria kept her exterior carefully controlled as she sat there on the dais, but underneath she was edgy, preoccupied. She had wanted to believe that, in the safety of Jackson, they’d moved beyond mercy killings. But after this last brutal winter, their environment was more hostile than ever. Spring had begun, but the patrol attacks hadn’t stopped, and she was afraid that something truly awful was happening outside of Jackson. She could see the signs gathering, like dark clouds massing on the horizon. 

They would need to be prepared.

And she worried about Nina, too. The doctor was efficient and effective at what she did. She clearly cared about Jackson and the people who lived there. But Maria knew that as a person— as a friend— Nina was troubled. She’d seen flashes of it over the years they’d known each other. Nina had that stubborn self-sufficiency, an unwillingness to let other people in. She could be reckless, with her temper and her predilection for dangerous men. And then there were her episodes, when she went flat and unresponsive for hours or even days at a time.

After the incident with Starkey and then Big Michael, she’d shut down like that. Anya and Brandy had to physically lift her from the street where she’d knelt, and hold her arms as they’d walked her back to her place. Maria had followed them and taken Nina upstairs to her apartment above the clinic. She sat her at the kitchen table and made a cup of tea.

Nina had stared down at the cup with empty eyes, and made no effort to lift it to her lips.

And as Maria stood there and watched Nina’s insensate face, she’d wanted to shake her, make her snap out of the trance she was in.

She’d be lying if she said she wasn’t pissed off. Not that she disagreed with what Nina had done, exactly, but she was not too pleased with how she’d done it. Not telling Starkey. Not telling Starkey. Doing it out in the street, in front of half the town. The cavalier way she’d administered a lethal injection, then snapped at the dead man’s shocked best friend. It was going to stir people up in Jackson, make things difficult for Maria and certainly for Nina as well. And then the woman wouldn’t even speak or meet her eyes. Yes, Nina couldn’t help it— but it still rankled.

Maria had looked around her kitchen, struck by how sad her living quarters were: the battered table, the single chair, one chipped dinner plate on an otherwise empty shelf. No personal touches— art or flowers or knickknacks. Her home looked abandoned, even though someone lived there.

She’d leaned against the counter, arms crossed, watching the tea grow cold on the table. Her back and her feet ached, but as frustrated as she was, she hadn’t been willing to leave her friend when she was like this. Didn’t want her to “wake up” all alone. So she waited, as shadows slowly lengthened down the peeling wallpaper.

Finally, a flicker of awareness returned to Nina’s features. She shifted in her chair.

“You okay?” Maria asked.

Nina shrugged her shoulders. “Guess so. It’s been a weird day.”

“That’s one word for it.” Maria pointed to the cup, and Nina finally raised it to her lips. “I know you couldn’t save him, Nina. But some people are going to be upset about how things went down.”

Nina was quiet for a long moment, looking out the window at the tangle of tree branches, the darkening sky.

“There’s a quote I think about sometimes,” she spoke softly. “Something an old French doctor wrote. ‘Every surgeon carries about him a little cemetery, in which from time to time he goes to pray, a cemetery of bitterness and regret, of which he seeks the reason for certain of his failures.’”

Maria sighed deeply.

“Girl, you’ve got to get your act together.”

Joel watched from the back of the room, arms crossed over his chest. He was relieved to see which way things were going, but the whole thing was bullshit. Maria and Tommy knew Nina wasn’t a murderer, and they were still parading her up there in front of the town, while they debated what she’d done.

Calling it democracy. He’d seen how democracy could go—what happened in Kansas City, wasn’t that the will of the people?

Nina sat at a table beside the council members, with her dark hair pulled back and her chin held high. He watched her face, but her expression was hard to read— she didn’t look scared, or angry. Maybe just a little sad. She answered the questions people asked politely, matter-of-factly. Didn’t get emotional up there, unlike some of the townspeople.

Ellie was sitting a row in front of him, beside a group of other teenagers. She’d wanted to come here today and see what it was all about. He knew she was feeling anxious about it.

“It’s fucked up,” she told him last night at dinner, shoveling food into her mouth. She’d never stopped eating like a starving animal. “It’s like people here forgot that everyone is gonna die, and now they’re mad at Dr. Connor because she reminded them.”

She was a smart kid. Smarter than him by a mile, which made him proud and also nervous. He stared at the tilt of her small shoulders, the glossy strands of her ponytail. He would’ve liked to sit with her, but he didn’t want to crowd her or embarrass her around the other kids. He was trying to be a good… whatever he was to her.

He was surprised by how relieved he felt when the council announced that, “after hearing from all interested parties,” they felt the doctor’s actions “had been justified by extraordinary circumstances.” Nina stood and Maria walked her out through the back, with a hand pressed between her shoulder blades.

There was a flurry of movement as a woman pushed through the back row roughly and stormed out to the street. It was the quiet girl from the dining hall, the one who always looked scared of Joel. She’d been up there crying like a widow with Starkey’s other coworkers. Bunch of girls who were either sleeping with the guy or wanted to be, hard to be sure.

As the door slammed behind the girl, voices rose in the room. People were getting up from their seats, talking to each other, standing around in small groups or walking down the aisles to leave. There was a lot to gossip about, he supposed.

He moved toward Ellie, who was still with the other kids. As he stepped into her line of site, she shot up from her chair and strode quickly over to him. For a second, he was worried— then he realized what was happening. She didn’t want to talk to him in front of the other teenagers.

Jesus, was he really that embarrassing? He shoved his hands into his pockets, trying to affect a casual stance. 

“Doin’ okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“I’m gonna head home. You wanna come, or…” He trailed off, looking over her shoulder at the clump of kids.

“Actually, some of us were going to go hang out for a bit?”

“Sure, sure. Just, uh, be home before dinner time?”

“Dinner time. Okay.” She gave him a sharp little nod of agreement, then turned to rejoin the group.

He wasn’t really sure what to do with himself now. He saw Tommy up at the front of the room, talking to a few men. Thought for a brief moment of going up there, but he wasn’t ready yet. He still hadn’t spoken to him since that night he’d met Maria at the bar.

Ellie was moving toward the door now, walking with a boy and a girl who both looked vaguely familiar. He watched as she turned her head toward the girl and laughed. Then the boy looked at the two of them, smiling, and said something he was too far away to hear. Now that he could see more of his face, he recognized the kid who was always walking that dog around town. A tall teenager, a little gangly, but with a nice thick head of hair and a brooding look. Ellie smiled back at him.

So that’s why she was so dead set on working with the dogs. She had herself a little crush on the boy who trained them. And it looked like she was actually making friends.

He walked slowly behind the group for half a block, trying to hold back the smile that wanted to erupt across his face. Then he turned off toward home.

The three of them went to an empty house on the north side of town. It was small and a little sad looking, with a caved-in section of roof. The front door was boarded shut, but Brandy led them around to the back, past a lurching, rotting porch and in through the kitchen door. Ellie ran her finger down the coiled cord of a telephone that hung on the wall, feeling the satisfying way it sprang back after she tugged on it.

In the living room, dust swirled through the air and a floral couch sagged against the wall. Brandy plopped down in the middle, and Ellie and Chuy took the sides. Now that they were out of the crowd, Brandy had grown quiet, and Ellie could see the strain on her face.

“Well that was fucking dumb,” Ellie sighed. “I mean, at least they let her go and all. But I don’t see how any of that meeting was necessary.”

“She didn’t have a choice,” Brandy agreed softly. “As soon as I saw him lying there, I thought, ’This guy is going to fucking die.’”

“I still can’t believe you were there for that.” Ellie was honestly a little jealous. She’d never seen anybody die like that, a shot of poison into the vein. Not that she wanted it to have happened, but if it was going to happen— well, she was super fucking curious about it.

Brandy looked queasy, and she realized she’d said the wrong thing. Dumb, dumb, dumb. She tried to think of a more supportive response, but her mind went blank. Why was this so hard?

“I always liked Starkey, you know? He was nice. And I— I’ve never actually— ” Brandy broke off, her voice cracking. She stared down at her lap. Ellie wanted to put a hand on her shoulder, or maybe rub her back reassuringly, below the smooth cascade of her hair. But she wasn’t sure if she should— was that weird? Was it too much?

“I’ve never seen someone die before,” Brandy choked out.

Oh shit. Poor Brandy. She was biting her lip, and Ellie watched the way the sharp line of her teeth indented the delicate skin. Again, she thought about touching her, comforting her. Again, she kept her hands down at her side.

“The first time is hard for everybody,” Chuy spoke gently. “I don’t think anyone really gets over it.”

Brandy turned and looked at him. “I didn’t think it would be so bad, because I’ve known a lot of people who’ve died. But I keep thinking about his face when he died and the weird look his eyes had, and the way he was breathing. It was awful, kind of a rattling, drowning sound.”

Chuy nodded. “I know what you mean. After my dad died, I kept seeing it whenever I closed my eyes.”

“Your dad died?” Ellie was shocked. The way Chuy talked about his dad, she’d thought he was still alive. He was always bragging about the great scientist who had discovered all kinds of things about cordyceps.

Chuy let out a ragged breath. “It was before I came to Jackson. We were surrounded by infected just outside Denver, and he fought them off as long as he could. Really he— he saved my life. He saved Coco, too. She was his dog. He trained her to smell the infections and everything, and I only took over because he was gone.” Ellie thought about the sweet, obedient dog, and how bonded Chuy had always seemed to her. 

“I’m so sorry,” Brandy said, leaning closer to Chuy.

“As soon as the infected were all dead, he began to walk back towards me and Coco. And that’s when Coco started barking at him—she’d never barked at him before. And I knew right away what that meant. I don’t think he realized until then, either, because he looked down at his arm and he had this horrified look when he saw where he’d been bitten. And then he just… shot himself.”

“Jesus,” Ellie breathed. She saw Riley’s face, contorted with pain, how it had looked that day in the the fucking Halloween store. Facing defeat. Way I see it, we got two options.

“There are these little things I thought about for a long, long time,” Chuy went on. “Like how Coco looked at him with her teeth barred, snarling at him. Or the way his arm jerked as he pulled the trigger.”

Ellie nodded— she knew about those kind of memories, too. You really didn’t get over your first time. The look in Riley’s eyes, when she wasn’t Riley anymore. It was same look Sam had that day in the motel. And the way they’d both charged her… She blinked, trying to clear the pictures out of her mind.

She leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees, and looked at Chuy. His face was serious and sad, but calm. She didn’t understand how he could just talk about this kind of stuff. Whenever she even thought about it she felt like she couldn’t breathe, like she was drowning on land.

And that was when she saw it— Brandy and Chuy, holding hands. 

Their arms were resting on the couch between them, their fingers intertwined. There was something so casual about their posture, like… like they’d done this before.

She wanted to throw up.

She was a fucking idiot. Brandy wasn’t like her, and she didn’t like Ellie, no matter how much she laughed at her jokes. Chuy and Brandy were wired the right way, the normal way. Like Joel and Tommy and Maria and maybe everyone else in this godforsaken town, except her.

Joel was cooking dinner when he heard the door bang open, followed by the sound of feet stomping rapidly up the staircase.

“Ellie?” He called out. No answer.

“Ellie?” He repeated himself, louder this time. Again, no answer.

He sighed, turning the burner on the stove down to its lowest setting and wiping his hands on a dishrag. He stopped to pick up the jacket she’d tossed on the floor in the entryway— no matter how many times he’d told her, she never hung it up.

The door to her room was shut. He stood at the top of the stairs for a second, trying to decide what he should do, then stepped forward and rapped on the door with his knuckles.

“What?”

“Can I come in?”

“Fine.” Her voice was clipped, affecting annoyance, but underneath that he could hear the quiver she was trying to suppress. She was crying, or had been crying. His heart sunk.

She was sitting by the window, knees drawn up to her chest. She didn’t turn to acknowledge him when he walked in, kept herself angled toward the gray sky outside. Still, he could see that her face looked puffy and blotched, eyes ringed with pink.

“You doin’ okay?”

She took a sharp breath in. “What the fuck do you think?”

He sat down on the edge of her bed, a few feet from her. 

“What happened?” Just a couple hours ago she’d seemed so happy. Walking down the street with her friends, her body loose and light. Whatever upset her, it made the rage well up in him like a fountain. If those kids were mean to her, so help him God he’d snap their little necks.

“You wouldn’t understand,” she replied bitterly.

“I might.”

She huffed out something between a snort and a sigh. “No, you wouldn’t. You don’t know what it’s like to be a fucking freak.”

He felt sick to his stomach, remembering how hard he’d gone at her over working with the dogs. Telling her she needed to be careful, that people would turn on her if they found out, drive her out of town or worse. How was a girl supposed to settle in and make friends with that hanging over her head?

“Ellie.” She wouldn’t look at him, twisting her head further away, her shoulders hunched protectively. He moved over to the windowsill and lowered himself beside her.

“There’s nothin’ wrong with you, Ellie. You’re not a freak, you’re— you’re a—” He faltered, trying to find the right words.

Her head whipped around and she pinned him with her eyes. Angry, anguished, pleading. “What do you think I am?”

“You’re a miracle,” he said softly.

She shook her head at him, then took a deep breath, opening her mouth as if to say something. But no words came. After a moment, her face crumpled and she leaned forward to bury herself against his chest.

He wrapped his arms around her. He rubbed circles against the bird wings of her shoulders, feeling them heave as she sobbed against him.

“Shhh, shhh. Shhh, s’okay.”

Jack and Old Michael had asked Tommy to help with enlarging the sheep enclosure. He knew it was going to be a long day’s work, digging out fence post holes by hand. Now that the ground had finally thawed and farm work could begin in earnest, there were a thousand back-breaking jobs like this to keep him busy in the coming months.

Not that he truly minded a day’s work in the sun. He whistled as he walked toward the barn, auger slung over his shoulder. When he rounded the corner into the field, work was already well underway. Michael was laying down markers along the far end, while Jack was up near the gate, throwing his post hole digger at the ground with all the force his wiry body could muster.  

A few feet away from him, Joel was kneeling, hacking away at the roots of a scrubby bush that was in the way. Tommy’s heart sped up— it’d been a good two weeks since he and Joel had spoken. He’d seen his brother in passing, but he wouldn’t so much as meet Tommy’s eyes.

Tommy knew he’d fucked up. Maria had made it plenty clear to him, that night she came home after running into Joel at the bar. He should’ve told Joel as soon as he and Ellie returned from their trip to the Fireflies. But they’d both seemed so worn down and troubled, that day when they’d stumbled back into Jackson. He knew Joel’s moods, was used to tiptoeing around his rage, taking care not to poke the bear. He’d figured he should give them some time to settle in before explaining why Maria had to know about Ellie. And then… well, the time had never seemed right.

And he was a coward when it came to his brother. Had been since he was knee high to a grasshopper.

As he approached, Joel looked up. Tommy could tell by the way his eyes widened that he wasn’t expecting to see him there, either. He stole a glance at Old Michael; even from this distance he could see the amusement on the man’s face. He sighed. Little old fucker thought he was playing matchmaker, getting the feuding Miller brothers out here to build a fence together.

At least there was work to be done. Tommy set himself up a little ways down from Jack, drilling out the next hole. He felt sweat starting to bead on his forehead as he leaned his weight into his arms, wrenching the handles of the auger around and around.

The four men settled into a rhythm with each other, despite the tension hanging in the air. Despite Tommy and Joel not exchanging one word. They took turns digging holes and clearing brush, setting poles and tamping dirt. It was chilly but not freezing, and the work kept them plenty warm.

Around noon they took a break, cooling down in the shadow of the barn. Jack’s sister, Roberta, brought out sandwiches and iced tea. Bread, cheese, pickles, and hefty slices of chicken— it tasted so damn good after all that work. 

Joel had sat down as far away from Tommy as he could, on the far side of Jack and Old Michael. But after they finished eating, the two other men excused themselves to go use the facilities, conveniently leaving the brothers alone. Subtle as a goddamn sledgehammer, those guys. 

But in truth, he was grateful for the chance.

Tommy looked out across the field, not sure how to start. There was so much he wanted to say to his brother, and a lot of it he’d probably never find a way to put into words. 

“I’m sorry, Joel.”

“Don’t.” The response came swiftly, a warning.

“I should’ve told you. I feel terrible about it.”

“You shouldn’t’ve told her in the first place,” Joel hissed. 

“It was the night before you left. I thought I was gonna be the one leaving with Ellie in the morning. And I knew it was dangerous. There was a real chance I wouldn’t come back.” Tommy kept his voice soft and even, trying not to let Joel draw him into yet another fight. “I couldn’t walk out on my pregnant wife, maybe for good, without her even knowing why. I couldn’t risk my child growing up not knowing me, and thinking it was ‘cause I didn’t care.”

Tommy looked at his brother. Shoulders set, jaw taut, radiating tension. But he was quiet at least. Not yelling and not storming off, which counted as a victory when it came to Joel.

“But I was gonna do it, Joel. I was gonna take the chance I’d never see my kid grow up, for you. It wasn’t— it wasn’t really about the cure.”

Joel let out a long breath. They sat for a moment in silence.

“And Maria let me go,” Tommy continued. “I know you think she hates you—“

“She does.”

“Okay, she does. But she trusts me when I say I need to do what’s right. And I trust her. You’ve got to know that she’s safe,” he said, his voice pleading. “She’s family now, Joel. Like it or not.”

He could see Joel clenching and unclenching his fist, that nervous habit he had. He took a few deep breaths, then finally turned to look Tommy squarely in the eyes. There was anger in his expression, but mostly there was sadness. And the cold glint of fear.

“I’ve accepted that, Tommy. But I need you to understand, too. Ellie—Ellie is family now, too. We protect her. Like she’s one of our own.”

Nina stood in the dining hall, tray in hand, looking for a place to sit. She was conscious of eyes on her, sizing her up. A feeling akin to being in a middle school cafeteria. She’d avoided coming here for the past week or so, but she couldn’t stay away forever. And anyway, she had business to see to today.

The Millers were all sitting together for a change— Tommy, Maria, Joel, and Ellie. They looked happy, the four of them, as they talked over their dinner. Even Joel looked a little lighter, the brow not as pinched and the scowl not cut so deep. He looked younger when he wasn’t so surly, she noticed. He must’ve wrecked some hearts in his day, with that jawline and those curls and the solid muscle bunching below his shirt. He could probably wreck some hearts right now, here in Jackson, but from what she’d seen he wasn’t terribly interested in that.

As she approached, he looked up suddenly. His eyes caught on hers, wide and dark and a little surprised to find her watching him. Then he looked back down at his plate, suddenly seeming very interested in his potatoes.

“Mind if I join for a minute?” Nina gestured toward an empty chair at one end of the table, beside Tommy and Maria.

“Doc! Please, have a seat.” Tommy gave her a warm smile, and she felt a little rush of gratitude for his friendliness. She liked to pretend she didn’t care what people thought of her, but the past couple of weeks had been rough. Not just the occasional nasty looks, but the general sense of discomfort people had around her, the awkwardness and trepidation and pity.

“I won’t stay long. Don’t want to interrupt your family time. But I do need to check in with you all about something.”

“Nina.” Maria fixed her with one of her looks. “You know you’re always welcome here, and you know you can’t stay in your apartment all day. Stay and eat.”

So she tried to sit and be companionable as she worked through her serving of stew, but her mind was elsewhere. She knew Maria was worried about her and was trying to be supportive by insisting she join their family dinner. But the more stressed she felt, the less she wanted to be around people, putting on a performance of normalcy. She’d rather be back in her clinic, studying her medical textbooks or preparing elderberry tinctures or something productive. Not making small talk with the Millers, however nice they might be.

She was also acutely conscious of Joel sitting a few few away, and keeping quiet much like she was. Twice she looked up just as his eyes were skidding away from her. Was he watching her because she’d been watching him? Or was he just… watching her?

“So Doc,” Tommy began, “you said you had something to talk to us about?”

She set down her spoon. “I have to go to Lava Hot Springs next week, to meet Mo. Starkey was supposed to go with me, like he did in the fall.”

“Shit.” Tommy rubbed an anxious hand along the back of his neck. “I completely forgot.”

“You’re going to meet the smuggler? That’s so fucking cool,” Ellie broke in, eyes shining.

“Ellie,” Joel admonished her quietly.

“What? You know it’s cool.”

“I know it’s unfortunate timing, but I’ve got to meet him. We’re going to be in bad shape if I don’t.”

“No, you’re right. We can’t afford to miss the rendezvous.” Maria looked pensive, running through the logistics in her head. “Someone else needs to go with you. It’s too dangerous to travel that way alone.”

“I hate to say this,” Tommy said with a sheepish look in her direction. “But I think most folks’d be hesitant to go with you right now, Nina. Not for any good reason, but they might be afraid that…” He trailed off.

“What, like she’s gonna execute them if they sprain an ankle or something? That’s bull-“

“Ellie!” 

Joel was glaring daggers at the girl, but Nina flashed her a smile. Tommy was right: people might not want to join her on a trip right now. But Ellie was also right: it was bullshit.

There was a moment of silence, everyone thinking through the options. Then Tommy spoke. “I’ll go.”

Nina caught the way Maria’s eyes flicked at his, widening in alarm, before she composed herself. She knew Maria didn’t want him going on any more patrols, not when she was so close to her due date, and not when things outside Jackson had been so treacherous. Tommy, for his part, didn’t look terribly happy about the plan, but he was resolute: it had to be done.

“No, Tommy. You gotta stay with Maria now. I’ll go.” Everyone turned to look at Joel, who went back to spooning soup into his mouth, nonchalantly.

“That could work,” Tommy mused.

“Is that okay with you, Nina?” Maria was giving her a look she didn’t quite understand— studying her, warning her maybe.

The thing that was disturbing him was that Ellie wasn’t mad. She was annoyed and a little mopey about being left behind, but she wasn’t getting in his face and blowing up at him. She left him alone while he packed his rucksack with clothes and supplies.

He didn’t like it. Kept thinking about what Nina had told him that night in the bar. It’s a good thing that Ellie’s acting out. It’s what teenagers did in normal times.

She hadn’t gone out to work with the dogs, either. Not since that day last week when she came home in tears. He’d even told her, with a great deal of discomfort, that it was okay if she wanted to keep doing it. 

She’d given him a shocked look, but then she just shrugged her shoulders and shook her head. “I dunno, I’m not really that into it anymore.”

“What about… somethin’ else? Some other kind of farm work? Or maybe somethin’ with food, like the bakery?”

“Um, maybe. I guess I’ll talk to Maria about it when you’re gone.”

She had that flatness about her that she got now and then. She’d been that way for a long time after he’d gotten stabbed and she’d been taken by those goddamn fundamentalist creeps. He’d worried then that there was a side of her that was gone for good. That was the way he felt about himself— that parts of the man he’d once been were buried too deep to ever get back.

But she’d resurfaced from that, eventually. She was probably stronger than him, in addition to smarter. Still though, occasionally she would get that look in her eyes. Or that lack of a look, that kind of sad emptiness. It made him feel sick. And he didn’t really know how to help her, because he himself had never learned how to overcome that kind of pain. He just lived like a twisted version of himself in its shadow.

Now he was leaving her while she was in one of those moods, and he felt awful about it. He thought about offering not to go, but he couldn’t do it to Tommy. As he’d reminded Joel, his brother had been willing to put his life on the line for him. For him and for Ellie. And now it was his turn, to look after Tommy and Maria and the baby.

And then there was Nina. He kept thinking about her, and kept trying not to think about her. Kept thinking it was a bad idea to go on this trip with her, when for weeks he’d been daydreaming about her while he fucked his fist in the shower. He barely knew how to act when he was around her in mixed company. How would he get through a week on the road, just the two of them?

There were a number of reasons why he’d hadn’t made any kind of move on her, and didn’t intend to. She was young and tough and smart as a whip, and she was frankly out of his league. He hadn’t hooked up with someone new in over a decade and he wasn’t sure he even remembered how. He’d had no reason to think she was interested.

But despite all that, he wanted to be near her. He wanted to hear her talk with her low, melodic voice. He wanted to look at her dark eyes and darker lashes, the bronze expanse of her skin. The way her hands moved, skillful and gentle, and the way her wide hips swayed as she walked.

She was the fishhook; he was the fish.

[bonezone44]

So last week, I was in a bad place. I inserted myself into a discourse conversation that I had NO context for and had NO business being in. I don't follow enough people in this fandom to see all the posts and arguments, etc etc. I was put in my place and I deserved it.

But guys.... please read my work.

In Hidden, I was very intentional in how I described Maria in contrast to the Reader character. Not enough black women characters are portrayed as delicate and graceful, and i wanted to use the opportunity to do that.

In Get a Grip, Joel models watches for Cartier and is hired to do a shoot for a 'new Safari-inspired line' to which the Reader character rolls her eyes about French colonialism.

In Uncle!Ezra and Law & Order, Ezra comments that Benjamin Bratt's shallow acting portfolio could be due to racist type-casting.

In the first chapter of Muddy Waters, Ezra shares his world philosophy and while trying to not sound like a eugenicist, Joel points out that they -are- killing off gene pools. And he realizes his mistake and chooses to evolve his language and his argument "on ascension towards greater realms." Also, I made a collage of 'The People of Jackson' last year for that series and I made sure to not fill it with a bunch of white people.

As far as my Reader characters go--- I have no idea how they come across! No one's made comments on that. I had someone reach out to me about using the term 'blush' and so I went around and rectified that in my stories. And I make sure to not reference hair texture, either (I only ever mention hair in like... 1 or 2 stories anyway). and I will never use images in my moodboards that would ever imply I see the Reader-character with a particular body-type, skin-tone, etc.

And all I've really done, is make efforts in the direction of racial inclusivity. None of my stories right now have characters with physical disabilities (They will in the future, of course. I'm just a slow-ass writer.) Quite a few of my Reader characters have C-PTSD (Sacred Spaces, You Have Been Warned, Stages of Grief, Nobody, Muddy Waters.) But that's about it as far as mental illness goes.

I haven't been saying anything because I'm going through some personal shit right now. But I realize that I have way too many followers who do not know me and have not read all of my stories.

This is my fault for not being more vocal and more explicit in my beliefs. (If you wanna understand how I can exist so obliviously in this place, then please read You Have Been Warned. Because that Reader-character is me.)

In conclusion, yes. I'm an idiot and I spoke out of turn. But I'm not a complete fucking idiot. I have been doing the work and will continue to do so.

[cosmicjoke]

Hi

I was just thinking about how Levi probably never knew what a good and stress-free sleep felt like.

he grew up in the underground after kenny left him all on his own, so he probably had to sleep with one eye open and be so vary and defensive.

Then the nightmares, trauma and insomnia haunted him rest of his adult life as well.

But It is probably better after the final war, he will grow old and his memory will become hazy so there are chances he might not have much trouble sleeping in old age? Idk ptsd as severe as his goes a long way. It really hurts me to think all that he has went through.

What do you think?

Hi there,

Yeah, Levi is of course famous for his difficulty sleeping. I think it was confirmed in an interview, maybe with Isayama, that Levi only gets between 2 and 4 hours of sleep a night. That's not very much, especially for someone who burns as much energy as Levi does. There's also that drawing by Isayama of Levi sleeping, and he has his eyes open, which is a pretty telling image, I think. He doesn't seem like someone who's able to ever, fully be off his guard, or sink into deep relaxation.

I would hope that, post-war, Levi is able to sleep better. His insomnia could just be built into who he is, though. Not only from the traumatic experiences he's gone through in life, but just how he's wired as a result. He's probably subconsciously trained his body not to need much rest in order to operate. Of course, with peace finally in his life, maybe he would be able to untrain his body from that state of constant hyper-vigilance and stress. No doubt Levi is still plagued by nightmares. I don't think you can go through the kind of trauma Levi has in his life without it coming back to haunt you in your unconsciousness. Survivors guilt is likely also something Levi will have to contend with.

But for all he's been through, I also think Levi is remarkably well adjusted. He always just comes across to me as such a solid, reliable person, someone who really has his head on straight. So I also tend to think that Levi is actually doing fine post-war, in terms of dealing with everything, finding ways to cope with whatever hardships are visited upon him, be it processing his grief and trauma, or dealing with stress, etc...

I don't necessarily think Levi needs to forget anything in order to deal with it. I think just him having a kind of new, found family with Gabi, Falco and Onyankopon would also go a long way toward helping Levi recover and heal and process his past, etc...

[mvndrvke]

canon divergence.

i'm going to follow the basic course of the series ( primarily show but books to a certain degree ) up until arya leaves braavos, with the inevitable small changes here and there, then i'll be following this plotline rather than the show's canon. it still follows the basic beats of what the show gave us, but changing her primarily in how she views her "list" and why she goes south with jon and dany. trigger warnings : death, ptsd please do not reblog

arya flees braavos after leaving the faceless men, and catches a ship back to westeros. killing meryn trant did not satisfy her as much as she thought it would, nor did the other deaths she managed to cross off her list. she decides to give up her quest for revenge after one final act– the destruction of house frey.

using her skills as a faceless man, arya kills much of house frey before she begins the long journey north. she must acknowledge during the trek that much of her quest for revenge was to avoid grief. it gave her something to do other than feel the loss of her family and friends. she’s angry at herself for leaving westeros and her family behind– sansa especially, who had been left to the lions when arya had been spirited away from king’s landing. 

reuniting with sansa is the most intimidating of them all, but she’s more determined than ever to mend her relationship with her sister and never let her down again. she uncovers littlefinger’s plotting and works alongside sansa to sow the seeds of discord to lure him into their trap. arya kills him, and solidifies herself not only as an ally to her sister, but as someone to be wary of. 

arya fights during the long night, and is one of the lucky to make it through. she ends the fight by killing the night king when he tries to kill bran. she mourns the losses the north has faced. 

there’s one last battle left before them. arya rides south with jon; she won’t let him die like ned had, or robb. she can’t bear it. they are separated during the fight in king’s landing, and are only able to reunite after daenerys’ death. 

furious at jon and struggling with the guilt of seeing too much of herself in his actions, arya returns north and lets herself be lost to grief. but this time, she does not have to face it alone. she has her sister. the she-wolves of winterfell raise the banner of house stark together.

[redfieldfeer]

Is "creative soulmates" an applicable term?

I believe so, even more so when I refer to a player at my RPG table who is also someone I write fanfics with. Well, as you can see, this is another post about the magic of the tabletop RPG. Two weeks ago, I mastered yet another origination session, and this time it was for my remaining player from the old table. I must remember that it was she who convinced me to go back to GMing through a recap of everything that had happened the other time and, above all, with new ideas for her character. We changed a lot, starting with a new homebrew race that encompasses creatures with animal characteristics (our inspiration came from the fauns of RWBY) and with that, also came a new goddess... But, that's my thing as DM. Let's talk about her as a player. She always surprises me with how demanding she is with her characters, I always thought her character at the other table was amazing, but she felt inconsistent in some ways and so I helped her. We worked together on establishing new attributes, including multiclassing her previous class (she's coming with a spellcaster that I already broke in the source session) and that tied in perfectly with the new BG she wrote. Before, a deserting soldier who constantly fled from the oppressive empire that forced her to enlist, even if it meant leaving someone important behind. Now, a soldier victim of a war for no reason, who needs to fight PTSD while wanting to return home and find who she left behind... But years have passed, new domains have been established and things have happened without her knowing. The current character is much denser than the previous one, which makes her connection with the Raven Queen extremely important (after all, she has issues with destiny and, mainly, with another domain of the goddess). I tried to encompass all of this in her session, starting with a dream in which I worked on the concepts of the "thread of fate" and also the Japanese legend of the "red thread". We went through years and years of lore, covered with images that didn't say much, with symbolisms that made sense to her as a player... We talked about heavy topics, such as psychological aggression, violence (torture), trauma, grief... And all this taking place in a dream, traveling along a black and white forest road that began with fire and ended at the river. We closed the cycle of that character's life while another one began... And she woke up to the sound of the voice of an NPC that we had already seen in previous sessions. Her character, a soldier, allowed herself to be taken care of her whole life and decided, on her own, that she needed to act. Of course there are MANY things in this character's BG that I haven't even addressed, but I'm really happy to have the player back with me. And here comes what I put in the title of this text: the connection I have with her is only explained through the brevity of soulmates (Platonic, I must say). She is incredible, as is her character and, most importantly, the NPC we both fell in love with. A cutscene-only NPC, unnamed, looking at the moon through a telescope. A high elf enchanted by the stars who tries to reverse time to find those who left her behind... One day, I left my player and friend behind, but she defied fate and insisted on bringing me back. All I can say is thank you: thank you for letting me roll the dice with you again.

[ihopesocomic]

I have a lot of feelings about both conversations of low empathy and Hope missing her family

as someone who has low empathy it's taken years to not hate that I cannot empathize as easily with others and demonizing people for it is a very harmful thing. I think it's cool that Storm has low empathy because it's not something shown a lot in 'heroic' / main characters and it really helps me and the other anons here feel seen. Because, as you said, low empathy and the mental health around it has been demonized and villainized a lot in media (as someone with PTSD, it's a demonization I'm all too familiar with)

so knowing that there's a character out there that's still 'the good guy' - aka just not a massive asshole - but also has low empathy brings a sense of comfort

and moving to the topic of Hope rq

while I do agree with Hope missing Clover, Clever, and Clever's cubs the most

there's also no shame if she did miss her parents. They were horrible, of course, but as a survivor of abuse myself, there's the grief of 'what ifs' that people don't often consider. Because when you leave the people who hurt you, you can also find yourself wondering 'what if they weren't awful' or 'what if they loved me in a way that didn't feel bad'

and part of you mourns this alternative version on your abuser(s) that you build up in your head

granted this is probably just my own silly little headcanon, people and characters shouldn't be shamed for it

anyway love you two and I love IHS! I look forward to seeing more from you guys <3

Thank you so much for your kind words, anon. You rock. <33 What you said about Hope and her parents is completely valid! I was just using Clever as the one example as to why Hope's emotions aren't as easy as 'well, I'm with my cool gf now... time to party!' and she can turn off those feelings.

There are certainly other things at play, like the elements you've talked about above.

I feel the same way about my own family. I never had much of a relationship with them because of my autism but they're still my family. I especially went through this after my mother passed away. As an adult, I recognise they didn't want to take over looking after me but as a 13-year-old kid who has just lost her mother: you still want to be with your family, even if their relationship with you is either abusive or just flat-out non-existent.

You're certainly gonna see evidence that there is a void where Hope's parents are concerned and it is going to come up in the plot at certain points. Because it is a void that she may feel tempted to try and fill, even when it can't be. - RJ

[mysteriouslybluepirate]

O and X?

O - Choose a song at random, which ship or character does it remind you of

X - top 5-10 characters who are yoUR PRECIOUS BABIES AND YOU WILL DIE DEFENDING THEM

----------------------------------------------------------------------

O: WARNING: My taste in music is embarrassing.

So when I read the ask I was listening to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ZTTnAG0sSk

But to go on with the ask, I'll shuffle my current Spotify playlist. I'll do 3 cause this is a shorter section.

Not Evil- (Tiffany Haddish, From the Lego Movie: The Second Part)

So, this is awkward, cause I have a fan music video that plays in my head for this for OFMD. Evil Stede Bonnet is my shit. In canon, he's oblivious and hurts those around him, but purposefully EVIL Stede? Candy to me. Obviously, Izzy's the only one that sees through this. Watching as everyone around him falls to Stede's seductions.

Coconuts-(Kim Petras)

*sigh* You already know. He's in my head, at all times. Izzy Hands. Booba, Honka Honka.

The Anthem of Mr. Dark - The Arcadian Wild

Edward fucking Teach. This whole song(just like Ed) is voice envy for me. Plus, just being unhappy with where you've ended up in life. But it's really playful, and soft, and hopeful. It's not sad like it should be. Radiates Ed vibes.

For non-OFMD choices, I have no idea about my first song. Maybe Benry from Half-Life Vr AI(A really niche internet comedy improv series).

Coconuts I'll push on Geralt(Witcher TV) or Cas(Supernatural) and Anthem goes to Jaskier(Also Witcher TV, but only the fandom Jaskier we've all agreed on)

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X - top 5-10 characters who are yoUR PRECIOUS BABIES AND YOU WILL DIE DEFENDING THEM

TLDR: Loyal sidekicks who just need a hug, a warm blanket, and an ear to bitch into. That are often ignored by their wider fan base.

John Watson- Most adaptations of Sherlock Holmes. THE OG CHARACTER I OBSESSED OVER.

Watson, to me, defines if an adaptation is going to work. He's not a henchman meant to be there for Holmes' ego. Watson is his own fucked up guy, hell, do you think Holmes would keep someone around that was dull? My favorite fan work, Warlock Holmes, gives Watson a fascinating character arch that explores loyalty, addiction, grief, PTSD, masculinity, societal expectations, and ethics. I had a Holmes(all media types) faze from 2015- essentially now. It's what I read when I just feel like shit. Watson is just as batshit as Holmes in the original short stories. Willing to murder, hide evidence, and fight to protect Holmes. Baby.

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AGENT 99- Get Smart (1965–1969)

Deep cut. My family kept a box set of this show that they grew up with. This show was a James Bond parody series in the US in the 60s that really hasn't aged well.

Agent 99, the lady on the right, is a fucking delight and was one of my first tv crushes. The whole joke is 'The Simpsons' set up of a Dumb Husband and Smart Wife. But 99 is fucking amazing. Due to when this show was aired and general sexism, she's not able to just solve every case for 86(on the left). But the audience is meant to know that She's the one doing all the work. She is sarcastic and witty, and not afraid to stick up against 86's ego and hot an ahhhhhhh. It's supposed to play against the trope of the 'useless' woman in Bond media, but she gets just as much development as her partner. We also see them build up their relationship over the course of five seasons into a loving couple, and 86 knows he's the one who got lucky. When she opens up she's highly passionate and a huge fucking nerd. They're both dorks and I love them.

She's also always willing to get in danger for her fail husband. Don't get me started on the awful movie adaptation.

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Izzy Hands- Our Flag Means Death

You already know my thoughts if you've been following me for a while. The showrunner, writers, and actors all love this fuck up. He's a pleasure to write, and fuck, he's compelling. I know the magic of Izzy is how much we don't know, but I'll enjoy the ride while I'm here. It's not often that my favorite character is liked by the writers (Castiel, Supernatural), so I'm living for the welcoming community we've built online.

I want his gender, and that's okay! Please and thank you, with leather on top.

Special Mention: Jean Vicquemare- Disco Elysium. He and Izzy are the same sad man.

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Jaskier(Dandelion)- The Witcher(All Media Types)

*Look* I've only seen the two seasons of the show. Jaskier is barely in it and sidelined as much as humanly possible. With that, I've spent two years of my life reading as much fanfic with him as the main character as I could consume. He is my first case of gender envy and the reason I've been listening to The Amazing Devils for 3 years. Jaskier is who I think I am in a friend group, sarcastic, bitchy, and judgy.

I am fully aware that he shines in the books. The show fucked over every aspect of Geralt and Jaskier's friendship, and honestly, I would have read the books if OFMD didn't come out when it did. I prefer the idea of Jaskier I've built in my head. He's been there for years, he might as well stay. He is an immortal half-elf and is Ciri's beloved uncle/third parent. This mess of a show won't take that from me.

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Hanzo Shimada- Overwatch

Did he murder his brother over a family feud? Yeah, kinda. Is he the personification of an 'older sibling'? 100% Did Blizzard ignore a growing fanbase in 2016 and give us almost no lore about him beyond that? Yeah.

Just like with Jaskier, fan interpretation is what drives this fandom. He thrives as the fandoms emo bitch, and I like him so much.

Not a fandom I spend too much time in (besides now, where I spend most of my free time playing O2). But I always loved the general 'there are 50 ships in this fandom' vibe. (Also, throw Cassidy here, he deserves it)

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And Finally. My Queen.

Morrigan- Dragon Age (Spoilers Ahead for the video games Dragon Age: Origins, II, Inquisition)

If I was raised to be the 'spare', younger, body for an elven god mother, raised in a marsh, I would be just as socially fucked up as she is. She is a Bioware Tsundere, like most on this list, seems easy to read but complex once you crack that shell. Her story through the games is amazing and seeing her slowly learn the truth and accept who she is, is inspiring. Growing up I used to play as a male character just to romance her.

She doesn't need love to be happy in life. Just someone to support her in the bullshit that she's about to go through. Playing the game from a friend or lover's POV is rewarding (cough cough *Alistar*). When you do romance her, she's still sarcastic, insensitive, and herself. She doesn't see a reason to change for you (Alistar). She views love as stupid bullshit that will get you killed, and in this story, she's right!

If you fuck up in some story decisions, she still has agency and will leave you if her moral lines are crossed. Nowadays this is kinda common, but when I first played this game as a kid, I was afraid of doing the wrong thing and making my favorite character leave. My only issue is you can't romance her as a female Gray Warden. But Leliana is Bi in origins and is usually my first choice. She does a lot of shit I don't agree with though...

More Mentions:

Castiel. I'm done with Supernatural (years active 2019-2022). I might watch a 'Winchesters' episode if he's in it. But I've moved on. Love him, and will defend him, but that is behind me.

Phoenix Wright (Phoenix Wright). The embodiment of 'I'll get through this somehow'. He tries so hard to be something more than he is, before one day learning that living a happy life is enough.

Dorian (Dragon Age Inquisition)- Gender Envy. I love a sarcastic mage. Also, his coming out scene always makes me emotional. He's learning to be his own person in a strange new land and AHH.

@born-on-a-beach-teach  Thanks for the ask! I ask the same questions back at you!

[childrenfromthecrypt]

Captain Alexander Harlan Toomey

Age: 35

Birthday: May 13th

Gender: cis man

Sexuality: closeted bisexual

Conditions: C-PTSD and borderline personality disorder

(note: while Alex was spiraling during the segment, his BPD is NOT the end all be all of why everything happened. There were other factors that led to this, but this only compounded a lot of his fragile self-image brought about by his father's abuse and his BPD. He also is not medicated and hasn't ever been to therapy, which... does not help)

FC: Ryan Kwanten

Alex Toomey was the eldest child and only son of Michael Toomey, the first man on Mars. Like most young boys, Alex dreamed of being like his father, especially since his own father was involved this something so monumental as space corps. It was a big dream with how selective the programs were, at least that's what he thought going in. From a young age, communicating that dream what met with people saying he was a shoe-in due to his father. Of course, he'd take advantage of that, but at the same time, proving he was worthy was always on his mind. That itself was largely due to his father's pressure, who didn't want his legacy riding on someone weak who'd only been given what he had because of his family. It was sensible enough of a wish, Alex believed when he was young, even if the words his father used were often poisonously harsh and had Alex doubting himself at every turn.

As a teen, he felt a little bit more bitter that anything he possibly did wasn't getting a response of anything beyond more criticism to be beyond and better. It felt like a constant losing battle. This was why in his teen years, he'd strayed from he image he had for himself and his father had for him; at this point in his life, he drank and partied, still somehow managing good marks in school and a place on his high school's wrestling team, but more or less going through the motions rather than going above and beyond. It was after a more serious bender that he was finally found out, his father responding by beating the sense back into him. The eye he kept on his son was much closer now, to make sure he didn't screw up again. Alex got his act back together and was accepted into West Point, where he graduated with honors and was immediately pulled into the space corps program.

The young Toomey worked his way up the ranks as one of the best pilots the corps had. For a man of his age, he'd flown more missions than anyone else and received several awards for his service. And yet, his father was unmoved. He was the leader of the pack, but he had hardly done anything extroridnary. Those words got even worse as a compatriot, one of the Space Corps' scientists, became known across the world for his invention of the Gravity Wave. While the older man had been nothing but kind to Alex, to the point where Alex considered them not just bound by the military but truly friends, all Michael Toomey saw was a competitor for his son.

A mission with the newly constructed space station Ocula was announced, a two-man, year-long study of how the Gravity Wave worked in space. Choosing their best, the space corps decided Alex and Ted Lockwood (the inventor of the gravity wave) would be the ones to pilot this mission. It wasn't long after Alex started training that personal tragedy struck. His father died of a heart attack. While he was offered time off to grieve, Alex knew that could've risked his spot on this historical mission, and that would truly make him as weak as his father believed. So, despite how hard it was, he pushed through, making it to the day that the Ocula launched.

And for almost three months, all was well, but the eyes upon him, the grief of his father's death, and his constant feelings of inadequacy caught up with him in the worst ways possible.

[neil-neil-orange-peel]

🍑🍰 for addie basterd!

Thanks, anon! You've unlocked my pretentious waffling 😂 here we go...

🍑 What sort of traits does your OC look for in a Significant Other?

Oh boy. Well. Poor Addie is young and naïve, though she doesn't quite realise it. Because she's virtually alone in the world and had to grow up even quicker than her peers (who've all grown up through the Second World War, remember), she isn't so keen on young lads who are more interested in mucking about. Addie thinks men should be masculine and sophisticated - though she probably couldn't give you a precise definition of what she actually means by this. She also has her idealised creation of Edward the farmyard boy, but Edward isn't so much a person as a fantasy of someone who will love her unconditionally.

To be frank, Addie really doesn't have the best taste in men. She's attracted to what she sees as exciting and flashy: whatever might get her away from the lonely, grey existence she has been living since the war broke out. This is unlikely to lead to stability in the long run.

I'm not sure whether it'll ever become explicit in The Basterds of Hammersmith, but I actually view Addie as asexual. Of course, she doesn't have the language to describe this in the 1940s - and I think it'd take her a long while, and a lot of heartache, to realise she isn't so much attracted to these men as to the false ideals she sees them as representing... but, even then, a girl's gotta get by in this world.

But, at present: Addie has a view of what love and men are supposed to be. It's quite a childish view, based on surface charms and romantic dreams. She chases it in a bid to survive, be taken seriously, and to be loved. Addie's ideal man is someone who will adore her, take her out to do fun things, and can be relied upon for financial security. He is a hero, an idol, someone better than the rest of us in every way - in other words, he does not exist. And the issue of sex, which most people of Addie's generation would be ill-educated on and wouldn't expect to encounter until after marriage, will never be something Addie especially wishes to dwell on.

🍰 What's something your OC counts as unforgivable?

At the moment, Addie considers her mother's suicide to be unforgivable. She lost both her parents during the war, but she doesn't feel any anger towards her father because his death happened far away and was out of his and her control. When Addie's mother killed herself, Addie felt that was a choice - a choice to abandon Addie to a cruel world, and a choice to let Addie find her body. She also felt there was hypocrisy in her mother leaving her, as she hadn't let her evacuate to the country in 1939 (this was largely due to Addie's mother's own issues around abandonment, because cycles of trauma is one of the major themes here).

Dealing with such a massive trauma at such a young age - on top of other massive traumas, in an era where any kind of trauma isn't going to be handled as well as it should be - would be tough for anyone. Deep down, Addie is entirely grief-stricken and wants both of her parents to come back and let her be a child again. The "haunting" of her mother she endures during the night isn't a real haunting, more a symptom of PTSD. Her mother wouldn't actually haunt her like that (you'll just have to trust me on that one), but Addie is unable to move past what happened and so relives it.

Thanks again for the ask!