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slashingdisneypasta · 5 years

Text

Slashers + Jennifer Check x Reader || Oneshot

Title: Peeping Toms and Bets

Notes:

This is a remake and revamp of an old Oneshot request I did in my old blog. I hope you like this!

Jed is changed to Bubba, because in this shot the character does act most like Bubba then Thomas or Jedidiah ^^

The 2 would you rather’s were found online.

Plot: Jennifer has invited you over for a sleepover and you ask her a very interesting question. Oh and the boys are all listening together in and betting on your response to the question.

Warnings: Suggestive or course language.

Chucky, walks down the hall, headed for the kitchen while he knows the succubus and her friend are hidden away in the living room, feels a harrowing sense of disgust at what he sees. Well, the disgust being only on a strictly face value basis. Mostly he’s interested to hear the excuses his fellow Slashers have for their camping outside the closed living room door while two teenage girls have a sleepover inside. The first one to notice his presence, when he stops is Bubba who was taking a break from straining his ears to listen to whatever’s happening inside and look down the hall. Where he spots the bright hair and plastic features of child terror. He gasps, quickly and quietly, and alerts the others by tapping spatially on Michael and Stu.

They all turn to see Chucky, and Michael’s shoulders drop heavily in exasperation. Can’t he be left in peace? Why’d all these people have to join him? Stu gasps along with Bubba, before dissolving into a slightly guilty turned down grin, on one side, looking to the floor. Freddy has the good humour to look guilty, too. But isn’t really.

“… what the hell are you two doing??!” Chucky finally manages to spit out, past his pure amusement of the, concerning and slightly horrifying, scene. He raises an eyebrow and feels a tad out of place but stands his ground, when Stu and Bubba ‘Shh’ him, violently. Spit breaking from their mouths, he’s sure.

Freddy nearly panics entirely and immediately smacks Stu’s hand away from his face, looking between those two idiots and the door. “Shut up! Both of you, you were louder than him!” While he goes off on the two, Michael just sighs and opts to look back through the crack in the door that he was peaking though. “And you! Shut it! They might hear you, and then we will all be in trouble.”

“’All’??” Chucky exclaims furiously, eyes wide and wholly incredulous. “I’m not playing peaking Tom on teenage girls as an old man- “

Freddy’s voice is barely a whisper, in fact it’s much more like TV static then a human voice, due to his burnt vocal cords. “Don’t get your panties in a twist, they’re dressed. This is not a porn video. To my knowledge girls don’t, in fact, get undressed to sleepover with each other.” Stu mumbles a quiet ‘Yeah, unfortunately’ and pouts, as a couple of them share a moment of silence for the tragic misconception. Including Chucky and even Bubba. Michael rolls his eyes, still stretching his neck to look through the crack, back against the wall. “Haven’t caught a glimpse. We’re just listening.”

“And you don’t think they’d mind?” Recovered, Chucky smirks smugly, words dripping with sarcasm. Almost evilly, as if he’s 2 seconds from blowing their cover and telling Jennifer-or, worse. Jason, - what they’re up to.

Bubba looks nervous, at that, touching the tips of his meaty pointer fingers together and looking ashamedly thoughtful. But then Michael makes an audible ‘Pfft’ sound from under his mask like he really couldn’t care less if they minded, causing their plastic acquaintance to raise his eyebrows in surprise, he relaxes. If Michael doesn’t care, maybe he shouldn’t either. Michael is cool.

What would Jason say, though? Just as Bubba’s thoughts on that are immediately shut off, when the TV inside the living room turns off and silences engulfs the area. Then the girls inside start talking, which understandably makes every boy or man on the other side of the wall turn on their listening ears to level 99 and lean towards the sound.

Chucky makes a split-second decision and joins them on the floor. To tell the truth, he doesn’t give a flying fuck whether the girls mind, either. But he had to pick on these assholes, so if Stu doesn’t stop snickering at him, he’s going to cut out the teenager’s tongue, wrap it up and use it as a stress ball. Stu seems to get the message when Chucky connects gazes with him, slowly touches his own tongue, and then mimes violently tearing it out.

After the obligatory 3 movies (One romance, one horror which was a tough decision due to your friends living arrangements of course, and one comedy), you and Jennifer stop to recoup and recharge, and start talking. You’re wrapped in blankets and your favourite pyjama’s, and she’s dipping into her coloured popcorn. The only sugar, to your knowledge, that this girl intakes. Its no wonder she’s so gorgeous. She decides on a diet and exercise regimen and sticks to it. Truly amazing. You? Well… you prefer your snacks to a model perfect body.

Surrounding the two of you are many, many pillows and blankets. Some you’ve come to realise were stolen from some of her roommate’s rooms, due to their particular smell and some concerning stains. Also, the one that evidently belongs to Michael has a violent looking hole in it and has stuffing poking out.

Another is a full size Hatsune Miku body pillow, and you don’t dare to ask whos’ room she snatched that one from. Although, you have your suspects. Confirmation, though, is an entirely different experience. And one that you would rather not have.

As you start talking, you dig into your own chosen caffeine for the night. You’re playing would you rather, of course.

Because its fun, to give your friend two horrible or disgusting options and make them choose one.

“Would you rather have uncontrollable gas at work for the rest of your life or for every first date you have for the rest of your life?”

“Work!” Jennifer decides, immediately, apparently horrified by the other prospect. “If I was an uncontrollable fart machine for all of my first dates, I would starve! Who cares if my stuffy boss smells eggs for the rest of his miserable life.”

She sure has some… strong feelings, about her non-existent future boss. You snigger, sipping your drink through a chewed straw. “Okay, okay…”

“Would you rather have an animal best friend, any animal, meaning if it were a bear or a horse you could ride them around, or be married to someone who is peak attractive for you.”

That stumps you, and for a moment you just sit there with your mouth open, thinking furiously. Jennifer grins wide. “A wonderful pet buddy or best sex??” And at that, she starts to laugh a bit, patting your knee. You’re lost! “Impossible!”

“I know what I’d pick-“

“Yeah I know what you would pick. Evil one.”

She laughs some more.

Evilly.

After a couple of minutes of that, her teasing you and you thinking, you finally decide. Although, you only say it very, very quietly and into a pillow, so no higher power hears and grants it.

After that, you feel the need to be evil as well and think for a few moments deeply about wat to ask her… then come up with something perfect. You smirk at her over your pillow and sit it back down on your lap, still holding it. “If the world was ending, and it was up to you to save it, and you did want to save it, and you had to sleep with someone to do that… who would it be?” She immediately opens her mouth to say a name, but you quickly, mischievously hold up your hand halt her, and add the evilness. “Thing is!! It has to be one of the Slasher boys that you live with. Patrick and Carrie don’t count.”

Like you did before, she stops. Slowly closes her mouth, and looks off into the distance. Stuck. “Uh, so… one of… Bubba, Chucky, Freddy, Jason, Billy, Stu, or Michael?”

Oh, damn. You think, realising you forgot to cast out Billy and Stu. Well, that was a bust attempt at causing her strife-

“That’s impossible! What the fuck??”

Oh, okay. That’s kind of sad for Billy and Stu… But, uh, good for you!

The creepy group outside the door, which has grown a few more hands and legs belonging to Billy and Jason. The former only being there as he was trying to stop them from being weird but had given up and got tired, so he sat down. Now he was, apparently, apart of this. Somehow.

Billy is here because his DVD player got jammed.

After hearing Y/N’s question, multiple reactions come from these Slashers.

1. Chucky and Freddy are very creepy and partake in some wolfish grinning that frightens Bubba and puts off Jason.

2. Stu goes very, very red, and grins a little goofy. He shut down the moment the question was issued, so he didn’t hear the incriminatingly insulting thing that Jennifer hinted about him.

3. Bubba also goes bright red, and covers his face.

4. And Billy pauses momentarily, having caught the ego crushing material, then takes a deep breath and sits up straighter. “Oof, so, lets lay some bets?”

Billy holds up 10 fingers, sitting cross legged the furthest away from the door or wall, in general. “For Jen saying Michael.” The said shape of Haddonfield turns gruffly to the Ghostface original, who shrugs and grins his knowing grin. “I could explain it to you, but then you would think I checked you out.”

“Oh no, but in reality, you just watch his movie once a month- once a week in 91.” Stu narrowly escapes Billy’s wrath, ducking out of the way and practically into Bubba’s lap when his friends reaches for his hair. Michael just deeply sighs, along with Jason and continues to watch.

“Moving on from that borderline embarrassing bit of information that I’m sure we’re all going to ridicule you for later, I have a bet too. Since you think she’ll pick Michael, I’ll put 50 on myself.”

“30 on Billy. Despite, his gayness.” Freddy adds, preoccupied listening into the living room, but never too preoccupied to tease.

“I’m not gay!”

“Its okay, Billy, its 2020. You can be open with us.”

“Fuck you man, you suck, you’re going down on the favourite Slasher list.”

Freddy just giggles at that, turning his full concentration back on Jennifer.

Jason sighs deeply, his shoulders literally raising and falling in an obvious effort to make it noticeable. It is noticeable, its just that no one cares that he disapproves. He sighs again, this time quieter to himself, in hopelessness. He refuses to gamble on this.

Stu holds up a hand full of fingers and a thumb, five. “On Y/N picking Jason.” Michael nods to that, agreeing and holding up both his hands, 4 times. He’s got 40 on Y/N picking Jason. Jason himself looks specifically at his fellow voiceless murderer Michael, in horror. He thought better, of him. Michael only shrugs in response, like ‘You shouldn’t have though so highly of me. That was stupid.’. besides, its October, he’s naturally bound to take more risks. Plus, he’s had an odd inkling, that Y/N’s liked Jason for a while. She comes over a lot for Jennifer, but sometimes she hangs with Jason instead.

Chucky smirks at the interaction. “As I’m obligated to always contradict everyone else, I’m going to bet fifty-five, on her picking Freddy.”

“Oh. Hell no.” Billy butts in, unhappy with these high ass numbers. “I’ve been flirting with Y/N for weeks. It’ll pay off, she’ll pick me.”

Bubba doesn’t bet. He remembers how Drayton and Chop Top get when they used to bet on horses, and it wasn’t pretty. He doesn’t want to be like that, no.

Jennifer’s still thinking a couple minutes later, and you’re starting to worry when she finally moves. And flops back on her mattress that she’d had Bubba carry down here for her, in the hopelessness of it all. You will be sleeping on the couch, but you’re on her mattress too right now for until you go to sleep. If you go to sleep. This particular question may take some time.

“Uhh… lets see… “You crawl up to her head and plonk down where you can see her face. She chews on the inside of her cheek, and then starts to think out loud for your benefit. “Billy’s our age, and so pretty,” You nod, understanding. He is very pretty. “But… “

“But?”

“Well, but… Michael is so big!” She throws her arms onto the mattress on either side of her body for emphasis, causing you to open your mouth and raise your eyebrows and the boldness, then laugh and nod at the same time. Yeah… yeah… that true too…

And a very interesting point… You think to yourself, dusting a gentle pink across your cheeks.

“Y/N, no. This is not a laughing matter!” She’s grinning, though.

You raise your hands, playing surrender. “No, no, of course not! I’ll stop!”

“You better.”

“Stop fucking around!” Freddy exclaims, not loud enough for either of the girls to hear of course. He grits his teeth. “I’m betting on the outcome of your decision, bitch! Shut up and say ‘Billy’!”

“So… “Chucky starts to rethink his decision to bet. “What happens if they don’t decide? Is the game off, or… ?”

Billy halts for a moment, then looks at Bubba for a second. “Oh, yeah Bubba? You think the money should go to the new TV fund?? Well, if you say so!”

Bubba immediately looks panicked and confused, a serious squawk escaping him aimed towards the others. He didn’t say that! He didn’t even think that! Honestly, he thinks it’s should go towards a chicken coup…

Jason quickly pats Bubba’s shoulder, still in a perpetual state of exasperation and tired, but still wanting to assure Bubba that, they know. Billy’s full of crap, we know you didn’t say that.

Finally, Jennifer decides and makes an ‘Ah!’ sound, moving her finger from her lips thoughtfully, to the air excitedly. She sits up and faces you.

Oh, this is very serious. It must be. It demands eye contact. “You’ve decided?

“Yes.” Her finger lowers to her shoulder height. “Okay so, I simply boiled it down to a science.”

“You did?” You ask, just humouring her.

“Yes. So,” She starts counting off Slashers from her list of possibilities with her fingers. “First of all, Freddy killed his wife. So, he’s out.” Well that makes sense. “And Billy tried to kill his girlfriend, so even though he’s sexy, he isn’t trustworthy either, so he’s gone too.” So far so good. “Jason’s rotting away, and ‘Au Decaying’ doesn’t really stimulate me to do anything apart from spray him with anti-bacterial and Hello kitty deodorant, despite his wonderful shoulders.” Oh, yes. Jason does have nice shoulders. “Then Bubba’s flesh mask is a complete turn off, Chucky’s a Good Guy, not a bad boy. And Stu’s a weirdo.”

You nod, a smile reaching your lips and the pure simplicity of her end decision, coming to the only conclusion. “So… Michael.”

“Yeah!”

“I don’t think he showers regularly.”

“Eh, neither do a lot of the boys I eat.”

Stu is gaping, very wide and very deeply. “A weirdo??” He looks in disbelief to his best friend and the victor. Michael nods, being hurtfully honest with the kid and Billy comforts him with a shoulder pat. He is also reeling. He hadn’t previously identified his Sydney fiasco as a warning for other girls… maybe he should have. This could be an issue.

“Yeah… man, you are a weirdo.”

“Thanks so much, buddy.”

“Yeah, you’re welcome.”

“Bad boy?” Chucky asks, pleasantly surprised. He turns to Bubba, who’s looking indignantly at the door because his fashion is ahead of their time! “Do I have bad boy energy?”

Freddy sulks. “Oh… I get it… “

Jason rolls his eyes at them all. They’re all ridiculous!

“What about you?” Jennifer asks, turning the tables on you.

“Me?” You squeak.

“Yeah, you.”

“Well… “You square your shoulders, ready in the face of a challenge. “Well, lemme see… Well, Jason is strong, and sweet- “

“Oh yes.” You wince, at Jennifer’s sudden cold tone, as she squinty glares at you. “I know you think Jason’s sweet. You’ve abandoned me multiple times, to ang with him the kitchen! Betrayal!”

“Aha… ah… well, moving on! Chucky’s got a very hot aura!” You quickly push on, afraid of your friend’s wrath about Jason. “A-and, um… He’s also very handsome as a human, so I guess it wouldn’t be bad if he were in that form… “ Jennifer breaks out into a grin, glad to have made you stutter a bit, and back to her good mood. You sigh, back muscles relaxing. Evil girl.

“Yes, and the rest…?” Oh, she still wants you to answer the question, okay.

“Well. Stu’s tall, and rich. Which, of course, isn’t a deal maker but it’s a good point to mention.” Jennifer nods solemnly at that. “Michael provides a very nice… well, err, he would make a nice nude model. And Freddy’s got a really attractive voice, which I don’t think he knows which is very good thing, don’t let him know. And, Bubba’s so sweet. And Billy… is Billy. I don’t know what to say, he’s been flirting with me for weeks now.”

Jennifer rolls her eyes. “Mood.”

“I’m… Billy.” Billy grins, feeling proud of his persona for a moment and puffing out his chest in pride. Chucky gazes at Jason, like ‘Yeah, I guess he is the whole package… ‘, and Jason himself scotches away from the ginger doll. “I knew she was picking it up! I learnt all I know from movi-“

“Me, you know all you know from me.” Freddy cuts through, deadpanned.

“Which explains why she wasn’t jumping for joy when she mentioned it.” Chucky yawns.

“Hey!!” Chucky gets a chuckle out of that reaction from the two.

“Who cares?! This girl is just after my money!!” Stu exclaims, looking hopeless. He chuckles, haughtily then and crosses his arms. “Well guess what? None of its mine! It belongs to my parents! So, ha!” Michael shakes his head and looks disappointedly at the teenager. That doesn’t help your case… It really does not…

“Well Charlie, maybe I don’t need to flirt. My voice does it for them,” A devious smirk slips across Freddy’s face and he evilly cackles after a moment. Jason looks severely exasperated at him, and Freddy just sticks out his tongue. “Jealous.”

Bubba is touched that they think he’s sweet. That’s nice.

___ NOW MAKE YOUR DECISION! ___

Billy Loomis:

“I’m gonna have to disagree with you, Jen.” You grin and can’t help it. Its sort of a nice thought, to have to fuck Billy. “Billy’s the only choice.”

She scoffs and throws some of her popcorn at you.

Billy stretches and yawns, like he’s so very exhausted of that thing called being fuckable, and turns to look weirdly smug at Michael. “That’s right, only competition. She chose me.”

“-Only competition!? Excuse you, former bud!” Stu smacks his friend, scowling.

“Well that is what you get for outing my obsession with the Halloween movies to Michael fucking Myers.”

“You bitter thing!”

Bubba Sawyer:

“Aww, Bubba.” You decide, finally truly thinking about the cinnamon roll. You smile. “It has to be Bubba. He’s the cutest, and the nicest one here.” Jennifer makes a ‘yuck’ face.

“The mask??”

“That can be removed.” You reply quickly.

Bubba blushes brightly in the dimness of the hallway, pulling away from the wall he was listening to, between Stu and Jason continues to look bashful and gooey at the floor for a little while, until Jason realises he’s going to have to guide him home to hid basement bedroom and looks deeply unamused about it. But, still kind of happy for his-pseudo brother.

“BUBBA?! Who bet on Bubba?!”

Chucky/Charles Lee Ray:

Lowly, with an embarrassed, dark blush on your face, you mutter. “Chucky… “ Jennifer looks two seconds from king shaming you, so you rush to add. “In human form!! Dear God.”

“Oh… “She doesn’t look convinced, making you roll your eyes. “Yeah, sure. You tell yourself that. You go be nasty on the couch.”

Chucky looks smugly at everyone, in turn, very, very happy with the outcome of that despite not winning the bet. “Yeah.” Freddy scowls at him.

“Don’t you look at me.”

“Yep, me.” Chucky ignores him. “Suck it.”

Freddy Krueger:

Realising who it would have to be, you widen your eyes and consider lying. But of course, decide to be honest. “Uh… well, um, Freddy… yup.”

She raises her eyebrows. “What if he goes batshit and tries to choke you to death?”

You laugh, at that. “Honestly, I do think choking would be a part of it, but in the case of danger I’ll just call you!” You grin cheerily at her. “Best friend!”

“Aye,”

“I don’t understand her.” Chucky feels the need to inform everyone. “But I just one the bet so good on her.”

“Four weeks, of my wonderful flirting, and I’m stabbed in the gut.” Billy groans, and throws is money on the floor. Shaking his head, he gets up and leaves, put out.

Stu sniggers, and gets up to follow him, turning back just to tell the others. “He’ll never recover.”

Freddy looks like he thinks he’s just won an Oscar. “I’d like to say a couple words!”

“Oh, christ.”

“I’d like to thank all my competitors for losing, and uh,” he finishes shining one of his knives on the edge of his jumper. “I promise to say hi to Y/N for you all later tonight when I visit her in her dreams.” Michael facepalms.

Jason Voorhees:

Finally, you decide and nod your head firmly. And exclaim, cheerily. “Jason! He’s perfect, I love, what a guy.”

When you look at Jennifer, immediately you let out a ‘YAH!’ scream and jump back, seeing her horrifying aura.

“I NEW THERE WAS SOMETHING GOING ON!”

“Stop itttttttttt!”

Stu facepalms. “Why did I only bet five???”

On the other hand, Michael smirks proudly under his mask, collecting his money. Yep, Jason. What a guy, indeed.

Everyone else, looks to the hockey mask wearing Slasher, who this whole time was against their listening and betting. How will he react?

He… has gone into silent shock. He may need some minutes alone. You… him?? You would pick him??? You… would pick him?? He raises his eyebrows under his mask like ‘Oh’. What is he supposed to do with this information?

“Yeah, I know hockey puck. This may be a shock for you, being ugly and all, but- Jason?”

Jason’s already up walking thoughtfully down the hall.

Michael Myers:

“Ahh, I have to agree with you. Totally Michael.”

“Told you!”

Michael but sits and experiences his punishment, which is many, many upset Slasher outcry’s.

“Both of them??!”

“Greedy bitch.”

“How??”

Michael sighs, and turns to an indifferent Jason for help. Jason looks at him and feels zero remorse for him, he brought this upon himself. He should not have been betting and spying.

Stu Macher:

“Well, these are all… interesting choices,” You start, cautious. “But, um… I think will go with Stu. Very cute, very funny. Very not connected to anything rotting, and... less stabby, then the others..”

“Well, that’s true. Probably a good choice.”

“Yeah,” You smile. “Okay, so, moving on. About that movie… “

Stu has this goofy ass, shocked, love struck look on his face that makes the rest of them a little nervous for about 2 seconds. Chucky takes the initiative pokes him. “Hey, Daffy Duck, what wrong with your fac- “

The 2 seconds ended, and so does Stu’s quiet, as he lunges up and grabs the doorknob, ready to throw it open and rush on in there and blow all their covers. Michael immediately shoots to action and grabs Stu’s leg to stop him, fighting not to let Stu shake him off. Everyone tries to vein to persuade him not to go, shut him up and clam him down, but their efforts are weak compared to the power of a horny teenager.

“Hey, hey!” Chucky exclaims, through everyone’s panicked whispered, grunts and frantic arm waiving, patting Michael on the shoulder. “… he’s gone.” With that out, Chucky shoots down the hallways as fast as his little legs can take him. Michael and Billy follow, because like hell they are going to get caught because Stu’s stupid, and Stu bursts into living room, revealing the other 3 still on the floor in the doorway… Freddy, incriminatingly on his knees just where the crack in the door would be, slowly, awkwardly waives and Jason bows his head in apology.

Bubba bolts.

#Slashers x Reader #Jennifer Check x Reader #Sleepover Oneshot #Slashers x Reader Oneshot #Stu Macher x Reader #Billy Loomis x Reader #Ghostface x Reader #Jason Voorhees x Reader #Chucky x Reader #Charles Lee Ray x Reader #Michael Myers x Reader #Freddy Krueger x Reader #Slashers

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fightingbymoonlight · 4 years

Text

So I watched the old guard with my brother and aunt...

and, well,l I now know the answer to what happens when you watch a movie with two stoned (and later 3) people. Also between the 3 of us I was the only one who had seen the movie, and they both knew it

Guidelines for who’s who:

B= my brother, a college student and fellow queer disaster

A= my 70 year former hippie aunt (she’s the reason there was weed)

me=me

So we start the movie....

A: I have no idea what’s going on

me: That’s cause we’re only 5 seconds in.

*Booker rides to Andy on motercycle*

B: Shit, is that a bad guy?

me: 😬

B: so his name is Booker?

me: unfortunately, yes.

*they go to the hotel, Nicky hugs Andy*

A: Oh cute, they’re a couple.

me: Nope. (internally: Someone please give me a 5+ fic where everyone thinks the two of them are a couple for ridiculously hetronormative reasons.)

We reach the scene where they talk to Copley and both of them freaked out because they thought Nicky was gonna shoot him with his sniper gun.

A: Why are they considered the best?

Me: Well.... you’ll find out.

*1 fight scene later- the team dies*

B: Are- Are they dead??

Me: It’s a bold storytelling choice, I’ll admit.

*the team comes back to life*

*cue my family losing their shit*

later

A: Wait!? If they’re immortal why did Andy need for them to take a year off?

Me: Would you want to be shot at for enternity?

B: LET THEM REST!

cut to Afghanistan

B: Meanwhile in a military propaganda film...

Me: there’s going to be a new immortal

My brother immediately likes Nile, so naturally he thinks she’s too good for the military.

*Meanwhile back on the train- Joe and Nicky are cuddling*

B: (whispering)are they gay?

me: (whispering) yes.

B: nice.

*Andy jumps off the train to go find Nile*

A: the perks of immortality

*cut to Merrik giving a douche ted talk*

me: that’s our bad guy

B: I hate him already

*back on the base*

A: How the hell did she get on the base?

Me: movie logic

*the plane fight scene, beautiful, perfect, 10/10*

neither B nor A had any idea what was going on

*meet the family, Nile asks questions*

Me: there now you get exposition, so stop asking me things.

My family’s reaction to Quynh’s fate

They stayed like that for 5 minutes.

*church fight scene*

A: (literally the same time as Nile) What’s the signal

B: *laughs at the explosion*

me: ( same time as Booker) that’s the signal.

*the van scene Joe delivers the iconic speech, Joe and Nicky kiss*

A: Wait... are they a couple?

Me:

Me: if they weren’t before, they certainly are now.

*Nicky: there’s a tv Joe!

Joe: Champagne?*

B: I love them!

*Merikk stabs Joe*

B: Fuck you!

*Booker reveals his tragic backstory*

A :(has her hand over her heart) Poor Booker

Me: (flashes back to the discourse, starts hearing the jaws theme, grabs the blunt and inhales deeply)

It literally took ten more minutes for the two of them to realize that Andy’s mortal now. I almost slammed my head on the nonexistent coffee table.

*Back in the lab Joe and Nicky talk about “that time in Malta”*

B: please tell me that the cute gay couple doesn’t die.

Me: Um, technically speaking.....

B: Oh my god [name] really?!

Me: *laughs in a non maniacal way*

*Nile tells Andy she’s going back to her family*

A: No! They’re your family now!

Me: I know what you mean, but she needs time to adjust.

*Booker shoots Andy*

A: Booker!! NO!!

B: called it! (btw no he didn’t)

*Copley shows Nile his knowledge board, reveals his own tragic backstory*

B: So, he turned them over because his wife died and then became a conspiracy theorist.

Me: Yep, our villains include a conspiracy theorist, a homophobe [Keane], and Martin shkreli.

B: This is my kind of movie.

*Nile tells Copley to leave then enters the elevator*

A: Don’t go in alone, he can still help.

Me: He can die Aunt [name]

A: Oh, right, I forgot.

B: that’s a hell of a thing to forget.

*Joe briefly yells at Booker because he, you know, arranged for him and his husband to be kidnapped and tortured*

A: Oh, no, don’t be mean to him.

Me: (at this point I’m high, and have dealt with too much internet shit) Oh my God, he was kidnapped and tortured, give him 5 minutes!!!

A: fair enough....

*cue my brother’s favorite part of the movie*

Me: (whispering to B) me and those three men will keep you sake

B: (starts laughing)

*Later*

*Andy starts killing men with an axe*

A: Now we’re talking!!!

*The team decides to go for San Paulo ‘34*

B: What happened then?

*Joe: does *that**

B: I love him

*Nile tackles Meerik out of the building

Me and my brother: *clapping*

Booker: [Nile] you’re going to be great for the team

A: THey might need you too Booker!!

Me: KIDNAPPED AND TORTURED AUNT [NAME] KIDNAPPED AND TORTURED!

B: Yeah, that’s not something you get over in a day.

*Copley joins the team, movie sequel baits*

B: please tell me there’s a sequel

me: not yet

B: damn it

*Quynh shows up in Booker’s apartment*

My family: THANK GOD!

Bonus: After the movie ends

(my aunt has left the room to make her dinner, it’s 4:30 pm)

Me: My theory is she [our aunt] is only forgiving of Booker because she thinks he’s hot

B: Yeah, you’re probably right.

#the old guard #joe x nicky #no nicky is not straight I can't believe I had to explain that #joe is right #family schinanigans

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black-streak · 5 years

Text

Saturday night's alright for fighting (but Sundays are meant for rest) - In which a date is Had

Part 5

Aaaaand back to your regular scheduled fluff (though there is a tiny touch of angst here that you can miss if you blink too long) I really need to find a way to connect these, but I also refuse to leave mobile... Oh! And I have people to tag now? Sooo, here you go, @poshplumcot & @emjrabbitwolf

~---~

The almost run in with Red Hood the night before had Marinette on edge. She slept for only a few scant hours before waking in the morning hyper aware of her surroundings; skirting corners and slinking about her apartment, ready to bolt should the need arise.

In hindsight, the vigilance only added to her anxiety, lending itself to her in the form of launching bodily away from her phone when it buzzed without her permission.

How dare it! Didn't it know better than to startle her?

Peering over the edge of a half wall, she glared at the offending object only for it to light up and buzz again! How rude!

Picking her way over to it, she held it by a corner and tapped the screen to find two messages from "Mon Somnambule". Perking up and opening the chat it read, 'What time should I expect you over?' and then, 'youre still coming, right?'

Scrambling to answer, Mari quickly typed a reassurance and asked if he had a preference in time as her schedule was cleared for the day.

'Somehow free as well. Come by round 2? Or could pick you up. Have a movie marathon.' He texted back.

Checking the time and nodding to herself, she sent an affirmation and let Tim know she'd be fine getting there on her own.

Now for the real question: what does one wear to a lazy Sunday movie marathon that is also technically a first date?

Walking into her room, she saw the decision had been taken out of her hands, two blurs of kwami rampaging the walk in closet.

"Plagg! Trixx! Get out of there!"

The orange blur stopped, then suddenly popped up into her space, "Guess I won't tell you what we put together then. Tragic really, probably forgot all about it in the back there. Oh well, if the Kit doesn't want help… come on Plagg, let's leave her to it." Trixx drew out, exaggerated movements and mournful sighs as he moved away, Plagg snickering from where he waited back in the closet.

Deadpanning at the little fox, Mari moved towards where they had been, only to light up and gasp upon finding the blood red hooded dress, complete with long sleeves and asymmetrical hemline. Pulling it out, she set it on the bed with black sweater boots and a thin black choker with gold swirls she grabbed off her necklace rack.

"You win this round. It's in his colors too!"

"Well he did say you were his, yes?" Trixx teased.

"Perhaps you shouldnt wear that after all," Plagg growled.

"Oh hush, I know you approve, whether you admit it or not." Marinette scoffed, leaving to take a quick shower.

….

At 2 o'clock on the dot, Tim lost his filter.

"You're on time."

"Should I not be?"

"You're never on time."

" I can leave and come back in 10 if you prefer?"

"No no, come in. Sorry, just taken by surprise is all."

It was then that he took a moment to take her in as she went past him, door closing and locking behind her. Only to find her studying him too.

"Gray sweats and a pale blue t-shirt. Any particular reason for that?"

"No clue what you're talking about," he stated flippantly, taking hold of her hand as he sidled past her. "Did you have something in mind you wanted to watch?"

"Hmm… Harry Potter?"

"...which?"

"You did mention a marathon, right?"

"Even I know watching 8 movies in a row isn't healthy. Alfred will sense our bad decisions and hunt us down for even trying."

"No, of course not, but we could watch a few today and watch the rest later?" She hinted, looking around to take in the living space, having never been here before.

"You haven't even survived this date yet and you're asking for another?"

"Is that okay?" She peeked up at him, blushing.

"I mean, yeah, but it's your own fault if you come to regret it."

"I won't," she intoned, turning to look about once more, "should we set up in the living room," she asked before he could respond.

Within a few minutes, they were ready, snacks and drinks laid before them with the first movie queued up, speakers blaring the opening lines of Hedwig's theme, nostalgic notes swirling around them and yet they sat perfectly still, a foot apart.

She broke the silence first, "Why does this feel so much different?"

"...How do you mean?"

"We've fallen asleep together in your bed before and yet here we are, a foot apart and avoiding eye contact on the premise of watching a movie we've both probably seen at least a dozen times."

"Different context. Our naps are something started with no expectations or labels. Now it's been labeled a date, that freedom is lost."

"... That's stupid."

"Completely unreasonable."

"Idiotic, flawed logic."

"Couldn't agree more."

They sat in silence another few minutes.

"We still haven't done anything about it."

"I know."

"Hnph."

Swallowing down his anxious energy, Tim turnt and took her hand that lay furthest from him, guiding it over and past his shoulder, resulting in her torso twisting and stretching out to lay across his. Only he completely miscalculated in his distracted state and ended up bumping heads with her, which in turn made her jump back, arm still at his shoulder, yanking him forward. They fell completely off balance and landed on the opposite side of the couch, him lying atop her small frame.

Freezing in place, wide eyed, Tim was unsure how to recover when a small giggle came from above. Which then turned into a full bellied laugh. Cautiously, he lifted himself up off her only to watch her eyes spring tears of mirth as she tried to catch her breath.

"I guess that's one way to break the tension!"

Letting out a whoosh of air, he slumped back down on her in relief.

"Hey! Don't crush me!" She gasped, squirming under him.

"I know for a fact you can handle more weight than this."

"You know nothing!"

"I know many things."

Shifting, he landed beside her, turning towards the movie and manipulating Mari around till her back pressed into his chest, "Better?"

"Much," she murmured, tilting back to brush a kiss across his jaw before returning to watching the movie.

…

"How does this whole mother's love thing work? By blood? That makes no sense! Petunia obviously doesn't love him, so shouldn't that cancel it out somehow? I think Rowling was off her rocker when she decided this."

"Or it was just an excuse to keep him in his state of being the abused tragic character."

"What if that whole thing was a lie? Wasn't Dumbledore grooming him for suicide or something? Probably wanted to keep him under such horrible circumstances to reaffirm his love for Hogwarts and desire to return even after his life was threatened all those times."

"And this is the gay representation she wants to give us? Sounds homophobic to me. Let Seamus and Dean love each other, damnit!"

"And Ginny and Luna!"

"Really?"

"Yeah, why not?"

"... You're right, let them date too! And make Harry Bi, you pansy!"

…

They ended up taking a break between the first and second movie, taking the time to order delivery, get new drinks, use the bathroom, etc., before returning to the couch, Tim spooning Marinette once again.

"Are you okay?" He asked, softening his tone.

"Yeah, why?"

"You slipped up last night. I could see your eyes in the last few moments there."

"Is that why you're wearing blue and gray?" She teased, deflecting.

He blushed, but remained undeterred, "Lutine."

"... I didn't slip up."

"You never let yourself be seen. What changed?"

"You."

"..."

"I want you to know me. Especially if we're going to be continuing this. I've tried dating with a secret identity. It never works out. I know you on both sides, observed you without letting you return the favor. I want to change that."

She laced their fingers, lifting to press a kiss to his wrist, eyes closed.

He stayed quiet, observing her now, vulnerable and fragile, waiting upon his judgement.

"Were you planning to reveal yourself?"

A small nod.

"But then Jason showed up?"

Another nod.

"And you still won't tell him? He's going to be fine with it, you know."

"Soon. It didn't feel right to come out of hiding to you both at the same time like that."

They fell silent, taking everything in, only to jump at the doorbell. Rushing up, Marinette went to answer it, returning and pulling out boxes of Chinese before setting up the second movie. As it started, they let it drop for now, touching from shoulder to hip where her leg deviated to wrap around his, reassuring each other that they were okay.

…

"Can we just talk about Lockhart though? He is such a little manipulative jerk! He wanted to leave them in the chamber! A bunch of 11 and 12 year olds! Who does that?!"

"Literally any DADA professor Dumbly door decides to hire, apparently. And what's with the reliance of these adults on children to save their skins? Is that what boarding school is all about? Letting children raise themselves?"

"I'm so sick of these God awful adults pushing all of their responsibilities and mistakes on to literal kids to fix and take care of. He can barely take care of himself and you want him to save everyone? Just like that? With no help or guidance, just, 'here you go kid, lack of support for breakfast, negligence of supposedly trusted adults for lunch, an emotional breakdown for dinner, and a punctured lung for dessert!"

"... You want to talk about it?"

"Not really…"

"Okay."

…

By the end of the second movie, the sky had darkened considerably, having taken quite a while to start up any of them, it was now past eight, still early for them, but late enough to bring a different atmosphere, hushed and intimate between them.

"You look good in red."

"Oh?"

"Mm," Tim hummed, nudging the choker round her neck with his nose, "I like this little detail here too."

Goosebumps raising where skin met, she twisted to face him, lips ghosting over to his ear.

"It reminded me of you."

Faster than she could react, she felt a hand holding her face in place as lips descended upon her own, insistent and sure footed.

Mari desperately wanted to return the passion, to push into him and give as good as she got, but all she could do was melt in his embrace, unreasonably warm at how assertive it felt.

Pulling back for air, he watched her gasp, enjoying the flush to her skin and glaze to her eyes.

"Did you still want to watch the third movie?"

"... Yeah. Couch is getting a bit uncomfortable though."

"We could relocate."

"Please?"

…

At some point after having borrowed a spare toothbrush, washed her face, settled into Tim's bed- which was somehow different to being in the one at the manor- and starting the last movie, they had stopped paying attention and started focusing on each other. Passionate kisses turned into making out turned into soft brushes of lips over skin and finally settled into curling up around each other to sleep.

Tomorrow they would return to their hectic lives of running a company and finishing commissions for high profile clientele along with running around at night protecting a city that refused to protect itself, but for now, it was just them. Just this one peaceful night, wrapped in each other's arms.

#maribat #timinette #ml x dc #second hp commentary is pretty obvious on who's saying what #first set is up for interpretaion though #does anyone want to see her first reveal to Tim of her actual hero form?#or skip straight to stalking Jason?

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your-localghost · 4 years

Text

so um who wants to read a 50 page essay of me and my mom's journey through the IT movies?

too bad you're reading it

so like i saw this goddamm clown, and i, also being a clown, said to my mom, also a clown, "lets watch this clown movie lol" and she said yes. and in the like first five minutes we are already awwing and stuff because??? omg georgie and bill are so cu- oh. oh my god. oh this us not what we thought at all-

so enter Losers. instant RELATE i am also a LOSER hellO?? hAh look at these 2 idiots theyre bickering like an old couple an- oh my fucking GOD of course there are bullies. one of them looks like draco malfoy??? guYs did draco malfoy play in this movie we see him like 2 times-

oh my god oh no poor bill he is trying to find his brother :( but alsO BEV IS SO PRETTY??? IM SO GAY???? and yeah i really feel the New Kid On The Block like same man i didnt even get to meet a pretty girl and a buncho losers who will go jump into lakes with me

OH and the lake scene? it bites me in the ass later. i fucking passed it off as a "theyre bonding" moment and then it transforms into a feelings plane and crashes into my house

me: they just keep leaving their bikes

mom: well It takes kids, not bikes

fastforward and??? the fight secene?? the fuckijgn fi Ght SCE ne??? o H M Y GO D

bill was so desperate to find georgie?? richie was so scared he would die??? beN BEING SCARED HIS FRIENDS ARE GONE?

i AM ALL OF THESE FUCKERS

and oh?? bev's dad??? hate the vibe this dude gives to me. like this dude def did more than mentally abuse her and im so glad she beat him up

uhHHH??? WHY DOES NO ONE TALK ABOUT EDDIE STANDING UP TO HIS FREAKSHOW OF A MOM??? HOW HE WAS SO MAD????? HE THREW HIS PILLS ON THE GROUND HELLO, HE STRAIGHT UP YEETED HIS FANNY PACK??? MAN the things a gay goes through for his friends

bill's speech on georgie, like, dude just fucking stab me it will hurt way less

fastforward more, the oath??? how scared stan was??? like i ddint really feel any connection with stan other than his actor played my fav character, stan, in ianowt, but uHm? i still love him??? so mUCH???

oOOOH i just realied i didnt talk about mikey

ahem

THE ROCK FIGHT THE FUKING ROCK FIGHT THE ROCK FIGHT OH MY GOD

THESE LOSERS ARE SCARED SHITLESS OF THOSE SHITBAGS BUT THEY SEE ANOTHER LOSER AND THE FIRST THING THEY DO IS THROW R O C K LIKE FUCK YEAH YOU FUCNKY LITTLE MIDDLE SCHOOLERS STAND UP FOR YOUR FELLOW BULLIED I LOVE MIKEY SO M7CH OH MY GOD

so between the 2 movies we realized it wasnt on netflix and went on various websites to watch the 2nd movie, got progressively angrier until i got my laptop and just watched it blindly because we are both blind

okay heres the tea yall

they completely erased bev's character in the 2nd movie. in the first it was emphesized SO MUCH just how brave she was compared to the others. she took the first step, she wasnt afraid to go into the house she fought her abusive dad and in the 2nd movie it was all gone. i really liked the fact that bev wqsnt a damsel in distress until in the 2nd movie she was. while in the 1st movue you forgot that gender roles existed in the 2nd it really seemed like they wrote bev as a "woman" rather than "bev" you dig me??? okay rant over. basically fuck the 2nd movie bev and im not just saying this because her 1st movie actor made me realize i was a lesbian. on to the movie

oh mY GOD HOMOSEXUALS??? WILL THEY HAVE A PART IN THIS STORY OH MY IM SO EX- oh. right. oh hey theres mikey :D

___

me: who's this??

mom: its bill look, its his surname

me:

me: you remember bill's surname but not richie or ben's names?

---

oh theyre all grown up!! oh bevs fighting an abusive man again and uh

___

mom: i have a feeling stans gonna kill himself

me: hah can you imagi

---

STANLEY??? BABEY BOY OH NO???? and also are we gonna let the spider with the baby head thing pass?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY DONT REMEMBER ANYTHI-

"this is like a virus its been eating us for 27 years!" YEA MIKEY ITS CALLED PTSD YOU FOUGHT A FUCKING DEMON AND DIDNT SEE A THERAPIST????

also the whole tribe thing seemed really out of story and like it didnt belong there at all? idk maybe its just me but i dont wanna believe that bill's 3rd eye opened after he got drugged by his friend idk

so like hightlights because ive got many rants about the 2nd movie

what the fuck do you mean bev got out of jer specilized hell after ben recited 1 fucking poem are you kidding me are yOU FUCKING KIDDING ARE WE REALLY DOING THE SAVED BY LOVE BULLSHIT AGAIN OH OKAY

OH OKAY FUCK YOU

SO BEV GETS SAVED IN THE FIRST MOVIE AFTER BEN KISSES HER WHEN AT THE TIME HE PRIBABLY THOUGHT LOVE WAS AT ITS PEAK WHEN YOU GAVE YOUR 2ND GRADE CRUSH A BADLY WRITTEN POEM

AND UFKCING HELL IT HAPPENS IN THE 2ND MOVIE TOO??? DOES PENNYWISE JUST THINK "oh these bitches hetero bettet keep them alive" BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS WOULD ALL BE OKAY IF

IF EDDIE LIVED TOO

FUCK I RELATE TO RICHIE SO MUCH??? HIS FIGHT WITH HIS PEERS AND HIS FIGHT WITH HIMSELF OVER HIS YEARS LASTING CRUSH ON EDDIE?? OH MY GOD IT WAS SO OBVIOUS THIS MOTHERFUCKER WAS GAY AND I DIDNT REALIZE UNTIL THE 2ND MOVIE WHEN HE HAS A BREAKDOWN BECAHSE HIS SOULMATE GETS STABBED BY HOMOPHOBIC FORTNITE DANCING CLOWN WHILR HE TRIES TO SAVE HIMA DN THEN FUCKIN G DIES EVEN THOUGHT THESE 2 IDIOTS HAD MORE CHEMISTRY THAN BILL+BEV AND BEN+BEV COMBINED OH MY GOD IM SO MAD THE HETEROS GET TO LIVE BY TRUE LOVE BUT THE GAYS DONT AND UG G H H G G HH "hes dead" NO HE FUCKING IS NOT THIS ISNT FAIR I LOVED EDDIE SO MUCH

well uh now that we got my love for richie on papet um

the lake scene

i cried and i had to watch heteros kiss underwater while wiping my tears. its only cool when percabeth does it guys

the lake scene aside i full on BAWLED LIKE A BABY at the ending because i felt so bad that stan died already and i felt bad that not only was richie facing years if bullying and homophobia anf the loss of his friends it finally is confirmed that richie had a crush on eddie and i

i just cried man? it hurt me so much as it weighed on me how many jokes richie made, how scared he was when he saw the missing paper of himself, his flashbacks to people calling him names, his speech to eddie and that he had to get dragged out because this fucker obviously couldnt let go of his feelings. and between all of that and stan's letter my brain blocks out everything and focuses on one

R + E

oh my god

OH MY GOD NO

NOW i dont really like watching movies. as a writer myself im really critical of everything involving the world building, the characters, the plot and all that jazz and usually the acting is so bad that i dont feel for the characters but THIS ONE. T H I S O N E

my mom turned to me and was SO SHOCKED to see my flat out CRYING because i just dont do that man, and she just asked my what made me cry and i just made a noise like "hhhnnnn" and she nodded and went "richie's love story" and i, still crying, went "hhhnnnn" but in a higher pitch

and im just so mad? that eddie didnt get to live?? we didnt get an "i love you" or even a "im gay" from richie??? we didnt get to see them holding hands and letting go of their trauma together and being gay and happy yet

yet the fucking bad-writer-white-boy and boo-hoo-i-had-no-friends and not-bev get happy endings??? mike can get a happy ending because he is a well thought out character

thESE 3 ON THE OTHER HAND OH MY GOD

bill had to change his endings which really makes me angry because ima writer yada yada

bill has been bullied his uh what whole life? he got told his opinion didnt matter and from what i remember even his parents shut down his ideas and i feel like he should have made the endings how he wanted instead of changing to what the public wanted. thats what he defended as a kid, thats why he was in the losers club unwilling to change, because they were losers. yet he changed.

ben should have stayed fat or at least have abnornal weight because that also defeats his story with bev. it makes it seem that suddenly and magically when ben is hot bev can BEGIN to consider that she loves him.

i already ranted about bev.

mike is decent i guess? i like that he didnt stay with whoever the fuck that was in the first movie because he seemed very aggreasive to me. im glad the chose to research into pennywise because others were too stupid not to (RICH AND EDDIE GET A PASS AGAIN BECAUSE THEY SHARE HALF A BRAINCELL AND I LOVE THEM)

well stan is just tragic

___

me: who the fuck is afraid of spiders why do they keep showing up

mom: its stan?

mom: he brought the hair things and all

me, about to cry: oh m y god

---

so TL;DR: we really liked the first film! the acting, the plot, the creepiness is overall better and you get to relate to a bunch of Losers who get abused by their parents

the 2nd film doesnt exist. i refuse to acknowledge it exist EXCEPT for the ending where stan writes a letter about how he would like to meet hks friends again while BREATHING and richie and eddie carve their initials on a piece of wood and get to be gay.

if your name starts with B your opinion is invalid in the 2nd movie

also can anybody give me fanfics where the fortnite dancing clown doesnt exist and richie goes to therapy to heal from the bullying and once he gets over his homophobia he gays with eddie??? specific i know but im willing to write it if it doesnt exist

#ghost reviews movies #i guess?#it (movie)#it (2017)#it (2019)#spoilers #tw abuse mention #tw homophobia mention #tw suicide mention #this is a #rant #AND A #vent #BECAUSE OF RICHIE AND RICHIE ONLY #long post

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ivory-haired-queens-blog · 5 years

Text

Unpopular Opinions: Fandom Edition

Hey none of you asked but I’m here to deliver so here are some unpopular opinions for the fandoms I’m in. Spoilers, duh.

Marvel:

I don’t like Natasha. Or Steve.

Pepper Potts is a top.

As much as I love Loki, his death was nessicary in Infinity War.

Steve should have killed Bucky in Civil War. He was a threat, plain and simple.

I ship Ironstrange/Supremefamily.

Clint should have died in Infinity War.

I love Tony Stark with my whole heart. (Not an unpopular opinion but you needed to know that)

I’m not happy with the end of Endgame.

10 years in the making....for you to do Thor like that?

Not because he’s fat or because he’s dealing with trauma, that’s totally acceptable.

What’s not acceptable is them making Thor into the butt of the joke because he’s fat.

I love the Antman movies.

I’m totally not biased because I loved lost.

(I’m kinda biased)

Shuri is the best Marvel character and would beat Tony Stark in a battle of wits.

(I’m so gay I love her.)

With as many years as Marvel has had the MCU, I am disgusted at the lack of diversity within the movies.

Like it’s 2019 and we JUST got a female empowerment scene in Endgame.

Like I want a gay superhero.

(We have a disabled one thank god. Love you Stephen.)

And don’t give me that Valkyrie/Captain Marvel BS because they never blatantly stated or showed it in their movies.

I want an Asian superhero bitch.

A superhero who is Muslim/Islam/and religion besides Christian.

I think that, as much as I hate Natasha and Steve, they should have been the ones that Bruce first sees in Infinity War. I know it set up the whole “earth is closed today” sequence but it didn’t make sense and was OOC.

I love Stephen Strange and he’s never done a single thing wrong ever in his life I would die for this man.

I like MCU Peter Parker over the origional movie Spider-Man.

Fight me.

I also like the Tony Stark/Peter Parker better than the Uncle Ben/Peter Parker so @ me.

The 100

I don’t ship Bellarke that hard.

Like yes, I think they’re obviously being groomed to end up together. I know the show runners will make them official before the end of the series. I’m not mad about that, I just don’t really care to be honest. It’s like, too obvious.

But there are some cute bellarke scenes

What they did to Monty was bullshit but what they did to Jasper was worse.

I feel no guilt whatsoever in saying that I think that killing all of Mount Weather was what they should have done from the beginning.

Yes, even the kids. Because if you kill their leaders, the men and women will fight back. The colony would have been left with a handful of adults, and a bunch of kids if the origional plan had worked. This is doomed to fail and honestly just killing them all would be better than seeing them kill eachother for food, power, whatever. If that makes sense.

I think that Finn deserved to die.

I think that Murphey deserves the world.

Charlotte fucking killed Wells. Yes she’s young but she knows better than to kill someone. Maybe not kill her, but we all know that Clarke wouldn’t have banished her like she did Murphey. Clarke has a gender bias because Murphey didn’t do anything and she wouldn’t have punished Charlotte as hard because she’s a young girl. I rest my case

Even though what he did was bad and wrong, I don’t think Murphey should have been banished. He’s right. They were all compliant and even excited when he was being hung, but when it’s a little girl all bets are off.

Like Bellamy brought the whole hostage thing upon himself because he fucking tied a noose around Murphey’s throat.

Again, not that what Murphey did was right. He didn’t have to act like that. Jasper didn’t do anything to him.

Also this segment is getting long but the show writers and everyone else just casually forgot that Murphey was TORTURED? Hello? Are we not going to acknowledge that?

I shipped Clexa with my whole heart.

Another actually popular opinion: what they’ve done to Raven’s character this season is bullshit. Her only role is Abby’s moral compass. This is the same girl who shuttled to earth in a Tin Can. She’s better than this.

What the fuck??? Happened to??? Jordan???

Like Madi stabbed him

And then they proceeded to not talk about it for like four episodes and then casually mention it in passing like “oh he saved Pria that means he gets to live”

Like they set up his character to be really important this season.

But he’s not.

I think that Murphey/Emori is the best ship.

I also think that Either Murphey or Emori or Both are secretly double crossing the Primes. (This comes out before the finale of season six)

They didn’t have to do Onyia like that

The opening of season three is so weak that I actually stopped watching the show around that time (I’d been watching since the beginning of season two) because there’s just nothing there in the first like 10 minutes and I couldn’t do it.

Maybe I’m just impatient but it’s bad.

I think that Octavia did the best that she could with what she had available and I think that’s she’s not a bad person for what she did with the fighting pits/cannabalism. And I know that if Bellamy had been in her place, he would have eventually done the same.

Kane was a whiny bitch in season 5.

Why’d the kill Diyoza(I can’t spell) like that?

I liked Joesephine. It was really fun to see Eliza Taylor be able to get a new character in the show. Also props to her for that last episode with pretending to be Joesephine and being Clarke at the same time.

I called the dude being Gabriel from the first time I saw him you peasants.

Octavia’s redemption arc this season is beautiful.

They did....that.....to Kane. I’m angerey.

Lost In space

Not enough people watch this show. (The Netflix remake or the origional)

Seriously guys it’s a good show.

Absolutely nothing is wrong with it.

I love Don West with my whole heart.

I love Dr. Smith with my half heart.

I love the robot with my two hearts.

I love Penny Robinson with all the stars in the galaxy.

I love all of them okay.

There are no plot holes, no inconsistencies, no faulty science and anyone who says (or proves) otherwise is wrong.

It’s confirmed for a season two which should air in like the December-February time area.

It’s a Netflix show so you can binge the entire season in like a weekend.

Seriously watch it.

The Umbrella Academy

Five x Delores is weird.

Luther x Allison is illegal.

Klaus deserves all the push pops in the world.

The handler is hot.

The Comission killed Dave.

Luther is the most boring, Unorigional, straight white guy character I’ve seen in a long time. I hate him so much.

Allison is a queen but her character is brought down by her weird relationship with her brother.

Tbh if I was Allison you know I’d be telling my kids that I heard a rumor that theyd go the fuck to sleep. Like that’s a good thing. Idk maybe I’m just a sociopath.

Istanbul not Constantinople being played over a scene where five murders a squad of Commission people is the greatest cinematic masterpiece ever conceived by man.

“Where are you going” “to save the world” “oh is that all?” Iconic.

None of these are really unpopular but the show writers seem to think differently.

Diego has never done anything wrong in his life like yaaaasss bitch kill your brother at yo daddy’s funeral!!! Work!!!

PaTcH

AAaAHh

Big Theif - Mary is the perfect song to play over Klaus returning from Vietnam.

Will you love me, like you loved me in the January rain?

It’s up there with Goodbye July.

Speaking of Goodbye July....

Z Nation

Many people haven’t watched it

It’s like if The Walking Dead and Zombieland had a baby....and then the baby did a line of cocaine.

It’s wild.

Watching Garnet die ruined every sliver of hope I had in humanity.

I have a special place in my heart for this show because it’s the first show that me and my mom would stay up and watch the new episodes air every Friday. It brought us closer and I can’t thank the cast and show runners enough for this.

So maybe I’m biased, but you should watch it.

Having Murphey switch from being an anti-hero to a villain back to an anti-hero and then to a regular hero, amazing. Astonishing. The peak of human existence.

Even though he’s not entirely human.

What color is Murphey today? Is he pale, discolored, grey, blue, red? We don’t know!

Roberta Warren is the Black Goddess main protagonist that we deserve.

Addison Carver is a functional Bi.

10k is tragic backstory central but other than that, his character development is pretty lacking other than him persuing love interests.

None of these are really unpopular opinions but I doubt any of you have watched the show. It’s on Netflix. Watch it.

Oooooohhhhh George.

Georgia St. Clair could stomp me to death and my ghost would still want to fuck her.

Anyways I’m gay

God damn I have a lot of pent up Gay energy.

Murphey and Lucy have a realistic enstranged father/daughter relationship and it’s heartwarming.

And then they killed her off to save him.

Honestly if you name a character Murphey they can only be assholish bad boys with a good heart deep down sorry I don’t make the rules.

Also if you name a character Murphey I will love them with my whole soul.

I’m so mad they cancelled the show.

I’m infinitely more mad that they named that disgrace of a show Black Summer and claimed that it was a prequel....but it didn’t follow the same cast and had they not advertised it as a prequel I would never have guessed.

Black Summer gives totally opposite vibes than Z Nation does. I get that black summer is supposed to be the worst time that the zombie apocalypse ever had, with cannibals and no food, but it feels like s completely different show.

It’s like if The Walking Dead claimed that it is a prequel/occurs during Shaun of the Dead.

Like....no. They’re....no.

Anyway watch it it’s good.

Detroit: Become Human

Connor isn’t the best character.

This is an unpopular opinion post deal with it.

Markus has to be my favorite.

Honestly this game is so good and not even just graphics-wise.

It’s the same robotic sentience story we’ve been fed for years, but this time it’s from the Android’s perspective and this time all they want is to be free. That’s it.

I fucking hate North.

Hank is literally if Rick from Rick and Morty were serious.

The only correct way to play Connor is to walk the thin line between deviant and regular A.I. Without leaving out Hank. The correct thing to do is make Conner deviant at Jericho.

The only correct way to play Kara is to protect Alice with every fiber of your being. Meanwhile, get close to her. Do not get caught, even if that means dissappointing her.

The only correct way to play Markus is to lead a peaceful revolution. Also tell North to fuck off.

The border patrol guy who either gets Kara and Alice caught or knowingly lets Androids cross the border is the best character. Forget about Markus, this guy sees either “oh fuck androids are killing people, maybe we shouldn’t let this one cross the border” or “Androids just want to be free and are peacefully fighting for this. Let this one and her daughter through.” I love him.

LUTHER.

YES DADDY.

anyway.

Let Out The Bear He Just Wants To Say Hi :)

Even though I think Conner is overrated by the fandom, I do like him.

But he’s not a pure innocent cinnamon roll either.

It depends on how you play, but he has really violent options so stop the “He wouldn’t harm a fly” attitude.

But he is cute.

The home screen for the game is revolutionary (no pun intended) and I hope future game follow suit in making the first impression of the game something cool.

Stealing clothes/money/the fence cutters is literally okay.

Also if you put Kara in white hair you can die.

If in your first actual play through you got the Kara lives at the recycling plant ending but Alice dies, you can die too.

I’ve never actually seen the steal money and go to motel option play out because it’s stupid, especially if you don’t steal clothes. Like that’s begging to be caught.

Stranger things

Billy Hargrove is bad and just because he’s abused does not make what he does okay.

Harringrove is gross and I’m gay so my opinion counts as double.

That being said, there are some really cute fics about Harringrove and I can see the appeal of “good boy falls for mysterious bad boy with a dark past and trauma”

I’ve said I’m gay this whole post because I say it a lot, but I don’t like actually labeling myself but I like girls and boys and everything in between and I say I’m gay kinda as a joke when girls are hot.

That being said...

Steve Harrington calling himself Daddy made me feel things.

Strange things.

Haha get it I’m making a joke to distract you from the daddy part.

Steve Harrington is a good person now, but he was still an asshole before and he can still be criticized for his past.

I used to be hardcore Jancy but after season three I feel like Nancy needs and deserves a break from boys so she can figure out herself and who she is now and what she wants to do without the weight of boys and boyfriends constantly around her.

That being said i still don’t like Nancy because she was flirting/slept in the same bed with Jonathan whilst obviously having feelings for him while she and Steve were still a thing. It’s not cheating but to me it’s close enough to raise red flags.

Robin is perfect in every way.

I don’t like Jonathan. He’s creepy in s1, fine in s2, but then is s3 he doesn’t do anything to or about his male bosses when Nancy is being made fun of because she’s a woman.

Seeing Nancy’s class priveledge/Jonathan’s male priveledge clashing was so cool tbh

Elmax > Mileven > Lumax

Jim Hopper, with all his faults, is still a caring dad.

Plus him threatening Mike made me laugh so hard sksksksks

Steve Harrington deserves the world and then some.

Low key I really want s4 to give in insight on his family life.

I also want him to get an apartment with Robin.

Robins cute tbh but for half the season I though she was a Russian spy. I guess I was wrong.

Mrs. Wheeler shouldn’t sleep with billy (not that she can now) because it’s wrong, but the reason she wanted to is because her husband is so boring and she gave up on her dreams to be his perfect housewife. She wanted a challenge with Billy. Instead, she should leave her pushover of a husband and find someone better.

Anyway Steve Harrington deserves the world.

Yeah okay hate me whatever.

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hyperfixer · 5 years

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TROS Spoilers

Feel free to message me and discuss things!

So I just saw the new star wars movie and honestly? I’m disappointed. They had a good concept but why were they so horrible at executing it. So I am going to give all my opinions/rants whether you like it or not.

1. Plot. Did they know that Rey was gonna be Palpatine’s granddaughter or did they just decide that in the last movie? It feels like there was no hint of the presence of Palpatine in the other two but they decided to put him in now and sprinkle in how he could of possibly be seen in the previous movies.

2. Rey*lo. Unnecessary. I never liked movies where a woman falls in love with their abuser. I am fine with Kylo Ren but I feel like he was a horrible love interest for Rey. It was literally so forced at the end. Why couldn’t they just have a close bond that was fake forged by Snoke/Palpatine. I never liked this ship from the beginning and if they wanted me to like it they should have made it differently.

3. Queer baiting. We all know that Finnpoe would have been a great end goal for both the LGBTQ+ community and for Disney but since it was so “controversial” they did not do it. All the gave us was a 2 second kiss between two girls at the end and called themselves allies. Oscar Isaac tried to fight for us but in the end Disney had a stick too far up their a** to give us a main gay couple.

4. Kylo Ren. They literally did that to him didn’t they? He could have been a great villain with a great redemption arc but they literally made him sad, confused emo boy. He had such an opportunity to be my favorite star wars villain or even my favorite villain of all time but no. they didn’t. Disney used poor writing and poor character development and massacred my boy.

5. Rey. I love a female lead and I love the acting but the actual character. She felt so unimportant throughout the whole movie and was just used to push the plot. She easily could have been an amazing heroine but no. She was used for plot and then also a stupid romance. She came out as a messy, strong, and impressionable woman who little girls will look up to hopefully for her strength, not for her intelligence. I feel like if they took her out completely they still could have easily found a way to make the plot exactly the same.

6. Leia. They really had to nerf her with old age huh? and then on top of that kill her for plot so Kylo will realize that he is Ben Solo and become a good guy... oof. I did cry tho, Poor Chewie has been through too much.

7. Plot, Part two. Ok but why was the plot written so poorly for the whole series. It had an amazing concept but the outcome? Horrible writing and awkward encounters. I can’t even explain how much I hate it. The characters were so poorly developed and there was a lot of unnecessary stuff thrown in.

8. Zorii. Why did she need to be a love interest. Was that just so Disney could try to convince us that Poe is straight. Well jokes on them Zorii figured out she was a lesbian and it is a joke between her and Poe to act straight. I am so upset with Disney for this.

9. Finn. Finn is a beautiful poc and John Boyega is an amazing actor. However, they tried to throw at least 3 love interests at him and hoped one of them stuck. Rey? maybe. Rose? oh yeah they forgot about that plot line. Jannah? you know why not. I was especially upset at the thought of him ending up with Jannah. I love her with all my heart but with her as a love interest I feel like thats just putting them together because of skin color.

10. Hux. I loved this boy, but they did him so bad killing him. He could have been a hugely important character if they had let him come with the rebels but no. They made him a spy because he hates Kylo. Guess they had to destroy that ship too huh?

11. Deaths. I love Rey but honestly? I felt they should have left her dead. Now here me out. It would have been very powerful for her to have died there and then give Ben Solo some love and development. She could have died and a new era would be upon the rebels. They would build a new universe and help Ben find peace. Rey would join Luke and Leia and the rest of the Jedis and watch over the Rebellion as it grows. Instead, they let our beautiful female protagonist kiss her abuser/savior and then have him immediately die. This was honestly so rude and disappointing. I know that having a lead character die is tragic but I feel like that is what made be like Rogue One a lot. They showed us that not every ending is happy and perfectly wrapped up.

12. I feel like I can forgive this movie for a lot of things but the two previous movies just left a twisted plot line that was impossible to fix. Disney just made this series to make more money and tried to represent people but did horribly. I had high hopes for this series but it was crushed.

13. I am not a writer but given this plot line I feel like I could have done the Star Wars universe more justice by physically taking the reins myself and writing a better series.

14. Palpatine can F*ck. No more needs to be said.

Disclaimer: I love all the actors of these movies and I am not bashing the animators and filmmakers. I am just upset at how these movies played out because they could have been amazing, but they were not.

Side Note: I am taking C3PO, R2D2, D-O, Babu, Chewbacca, Maz and BB8 with me. No, Disney can not have them back.

#TROS #TROS Spoilers #Star Wars #long rant #opinions #character development #plot line #open to discussion

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backdraft-bimbo · 4 years

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spies in disguise

SO! i just finished spies in disguise and man was it good. it was so good. i might be a little obsessed about it now and will definitely rewatch it tonight. it had everything i love in a film:

1. enemies to friends (...to boyfriends..?)

2. Short Nerd Boy with tragic backstory meets Tall Jock with trust issues

3. hilarious pigeon animation. gotta have that in every film. during the scene in mexico where the birds roll under that cart to get the room key i actually laughed for like 2 minutes because it just looked so ABSURD

4. those two Highly Not-Straight tech homies who kept showing up on screen fanboying over lance (y’all know which ones i’m talking about).

5. WALTER’S MOM! she was awesome and that’s the first time i’ve actually seen a female police officer be an actual character in an animated film. so good on them. and she was cute and i love her

6. going back to the tragic backstory of walter’s, any time somebody called him weird he would do that sad face and i was eating that UPPPP! and don’t get me started when LANCE said it– honestly any scene with whump i loved as usual

7. glitter. lots of pink glitter. and walter’s pink apron with frills. very cute. a refreshing lack of toxic masculinity. also the rainbows during the last fight screen... y’all know what’s up...

8. will smith and tom holland had phenomenal voice acting as usual; there were some lines i didn’t expect to make me laugh but did just because of how they were delivered, and that’s really impressive tbh;

for example: “okay! i suppose you have somebody else who has a mobile lab, who can turn you back into a man.” (i literally had to rewatch this multiple times to soak in that fine delivery from tom holland just because of how perfect it was.)

9. WALTER WATCHES KOREAN SOAP OPERAS! and it looked like he wasn’t using subtitles? so i assume he knows korean so that’s dope. again, very refreshing.

10. walter and lance. aight so i really thought tom’s character was gonna be that stereotypical twitchy awkward pushover science nerd and will’s character the badass hero who always works alone. but they weren’t! there was so much more to these characters than i was expecting.

for example: walter taking interest in more traditionally feminine things (glitter, hugs, etc) and not wanting to kill anyone. he was also really driven, too, and not easy to push around. also his backstory, that was another thing that i was not expecting. it always seems to be the lone agent with the tragic past, but this time it was walter. and i loved that.

as for lance, i’m so glad they let him show a lot of emotion. like, not only was his character hilarious and believable, he had room for character development. at first he hated walter but gradually came to understand why he did what he did. and bruhhh when he cried after thinking walter died–

11. that whole sequence when lance and walter are just staring at each other after walter says “you will turn into a pigeon” and the camera just keeps cutting to their faces... the silence... and will smith just going “i’m out” I WAS ON THE FLOOR

12. “who says database?” “i stepped in the goo...” “these are my new kicks, man.” “the name’s bond. HYDROGEN bond.” “i’m naked. little bit awkward.”

13. marcy talking about walter’s mother and lance looking all guilty when he realized what happened to her uGHHH so good

14. all right i cannot leave this off the list: walter getting hurt/in trouble/presumed dead and lance getting all protective. that is just so good. and very Tropey. i loved it.

15. all the hugs. i repeat, all the hugs. walter hugging lance as a bird, that’s just wholesome. but them hugging as humans? i’ll tell u i cried

16. walter’s soft little “take it easy” when lance got transformed back into himself. also him staring wide-eyed at lance’s nether regions that was hilarious

17. THE CHEEK KISS. THE CHEEK KISS. THE CHEEK KISS. THAT HAPPENED. THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. GAY RIGHTS–

“I CAN DO THAT ‘CAUSE I GOT LIPS NOW! HAHAHAHA!” 10/10 very cute very funny.

18. walter’s betrayed “lance...” after he gets shot in the neck. pretty much at this point in the movie i was convinced it could not get any gayer. i was wrong.

19. i’m gonna talk about this again. the scene where Robot-Hand Villain drags lance out and forces him to watch as he blows walter up... hgjgdrsgkjdg that killed me...and then lance’s Single Man Tear that caressed down his cheek... *chef’s kiss*

20. lance’s sparkly eyes and the entire korean drama remake with walter and lance... thought i was dreaming. and then more Man Tears. also walter’s sarcastic: “oh, one of my weird gadgets.”

21. that iconic line that always has me weak in the knees when i hear it on any show ever, the one and only: “i thought i lost you, man”

22. “you’re a good friend, walter” and then his sweet little smile... <3

23. the HUG! obviously that was beautiful, but i can tell you i was definitely NOT expecting walter to just SIT DOWN. ON LANCE. and the fact that walter is a noodle and both of his legs are the size of one of lance’s arms. could be a renaissance painting, with the birds and the lighting and the whole badass monarch power-couple vibes.

24. while lance was trying to negotiate and walter saying “you’re doing great” that was just cute ok

25. the entire scene where lance is trying to hold walter back and he was all “don’t let go! please don’t let go!” and inevitably he ends up letting go and screaming walter’s name,,, this literally sounds like fanfiction as i recount it.

26. walter sacrificing himself and saving the villain? NOT what i was expecting and i loved it. very nicely animated scene with the slo-mo...

27. “no! no hugs... you’re gonna make me lay a egg or something in front of marcy.” LMAOOO

28. “oh right yeah, the treason. forgot about the treason.”

29. the iconic Shoulder Touch between homies. and walter’s bashful little smile after lance compliments him...

30. TEAM WEIRD.

31. last scene where lance literally picks up walter like a backpack, very good.

anyway y’all should go stream spies in disguise. i loved it, you’ll love it, it’s great.

#spies in disguise #lance sterling #walter beckett #gay rights #(in a pompous british accent) GAY RIGHTS I SAY!#lance x walter #that's right i ship it they are both consenting adults over 18 #i'm pretty sure lance is like early 30s and walter's like 21 or 22 #ugh I LOVE this movie #GO WATCH IT

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antaresproject · 5 years

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Is This Seat Taken?

This is a Tom Hiddleston/original female character fanfiction written by me. This is the first fanfic I’ve ever written, and the first time I’ve ever publicly shared my writing.

Tessa Alpin is a university Theology professor who moved to a new city in the last few years to avoid dealing with the sudden tragic death of her late husband. She lives with her gay male friend/roommate, but has few (if any) other close friendships. She is working on a writing project at a busy local cafe when she meets someone she didn't expect. He is curious about her writing - although truthfully, even more curious about her - so he invites her to dinner.

She sat at an outdoor table in a noisy, crowded coffee shop, ignoring all the chaos and voices surrounding her. She tapped the end of the pencil absentmindedly on the page of the yellow legal pad held in front of her, other pages of notes scattered about the table top, some crumpled, some smooth, others held down by empty coffee cups. Lost in thought, she didn’t notice him approach.

“Is this seat taken?”

Tessa jumped and glanced up at the voice, shielding her eyes against the glare of the sun. It didn’t help. All she could see is a tall, slim silhouette. She glanced around the busy patio. Standing room only, it seemed, except for the one empty chair across from her.

“Sure,” she said, gathering handfuls of paper and stuffing them into her bag. “Sorry, let me get some of this mess out of your way.”

“It’s no trouble,” the softly accented voice said, as he moved around the chair to sit. “What are you writing?”

Oh, great, she thought, small talk. “Oh, nothing, really,” she said aloud. “It’s just bits of screenplays I’ve been working on for years. Nothing terribly interesting.” She still couldn’t see his face for the glare of the sun off of a parked car somewhere behind him. She bent over the legal pad again, hoping the small talk was over and he would simply drink his beverage and leave.

“It sounds interesting to me,” he said. “What are they about?”

“Ah. Well, they’re based off of Norse mythology mostly.” She chuckled self-deprecatingly. “You probably don’t even know what that is. Sorry, I’m kind of a nerd.”

“Actually, I do know a little about that mythology. Is there any part in particular you have interest in?” He took a sip of his drink and shifted slightly in his chair, but not enough that she could see his face clearly. He was casually dressed in jeans and a hoodie, but that’s all she could really see of him.

Tessa put down her pen, hiding a small sigh. Usually when people said they knew the Norse stories, they were referring to the Marvel movies with Thor and Loki that came out a few years ago, which were delightful as far as cinematics go, but really not anything like the actual stories that were translated from the Eddas. But it was obvious that the gentleman across from her was feeling chatty and that she wasn’t going to get any more work done for moment. British, she thought, his accent is British. I think.

“All of it, really. I started writing these when the Marvel movies were hitting theatres. Those movies, while they were really good movies and very well casted, really had nothing to do with what we actually know of the Norse beliefs and stories. I guess I always dreamed of telling those stories a little more authentically, if not as flamboyantly as Hollywood would do it.”

He chuckled at that. “Fair enough,” he said. “I agree with what you said. I’ve learned a fair amount about the stories too in the last while. I’d love to read what you’ve written sometime.”

She demurred, embarrassed. “Oh, no,” she said, blushing. “It’s really just for my own fun. No one needs to waste their time trying to read my chicken scratch.”

Just then, a large bus stopped on the street beside the patio, blocking the glare off the vehicle window across the street. She could finally see his features, a ball cap hiding reddish brown curls and shading his sapphire blue eyes. Across the table from her, smirking slightly, sat Tom Hiddleston.

“Oh, no,” she breathed. “I’m so sorry – I couldn’t see your face for the sun – I didn’t mean…” Blushing profusely, she took a deep breath. “Honestly, I meant no offence. You were wonderful in the Marvel series.” She wanted to crawl under the table and die of embarrassment.

He was grinning broadly now. “Thank you,” he said politely. “Although I must say, I still agree with you that the stories they told were nothing like what was translated from the Eddas. Which might be a good thing, really, in some ways. At least I didn’t have to tie my testicles to a goat’s beard.”

In spite of herself, she laughed. He did know some of the stories at least. “I see your point, that might have been….uncomfortable for you.”

Still smiling, he gave her an inscrutable look. “I have somewhere I need to be shortly, but I really would be interested in hearing more about your work.” He held up his hand as she tried to object. “Perhaps we could discuss it further over dinner? Say, tomorrow around 7? I haven’t your address so I’ll pick you up here?”

Speechless, she nodded. He smiled at her again and walked away.

***

Chas looked up from the paper he was reading as she closed the apartment door behind her. “What happened to you?” he asked. “You look like you’ve been beaten with a loaf of bread.”

She smiled at his unique analogy. He always had the most outrageous way with words. It was one reason they had become friends a number of years ago.

“I think I might have been,” she admitted. “Actually, I think I have a date tomorrow night, and you’ll never guess with who.”

“Oooh, I love it when stories start this way!” Chas tossed down the paper and bounced excitedly on the sofa, patting the seat beside him, indicating for her to sit. “And it must be some story if it ends up with you accepting a date. So, tell me all about this mysterious and alluring stranger.”

Briefly, she told Chas about the encounter she’d had with Tom at the coffee shop. He laughed aloud when she told him exactly who it was she’d met.

“Oh, Tess, leave it to you to try to chase off a would-be suitor with your imperious knowledge of all things nerdy,” he said, breathless with laughter. “Only to have the suitor be Tom Hiddleston himself!” Chas erupted into another fit of laughter, wiping his eyes.

“I really don’t know how you find this so funny,” she smiled. “Now I have to go for dinner with him and talk about my work! You know I never really meant for anyone to read them! I barely let you read them!”

Chas sobered up a little at that. “I think it’s an amazing chance, honestly. Who better to critique your work than the man who played Loki himself?” He grinned again. “And when movies based on your screenplays premiere in Hollywood in a few years, you can invite me! I promise I won’t show you up on the red carpet. Well, I’ll try not to anyway,” he said, smoothing an imaginary wrinkle out of the sleeve of his patterned purple dress shirt. With Chas’s colorful personality and dress, he’d have to try really hard to not show up everyone there, she thought.

“That’s not going to happen!” she said, feigning outrage at the idea. “I mean, if it did, of course I’d take you, but - !” Fidgeting, she stood up and started tidying the already spotless table. “My plays are nothing but a barely cohesive collection of vague ideas. They’re not ready to be read, never mind by someone I don’t even know!”

“Bah!” Chas dismissed her with a wave of his hand. “Your ideas are amazing! And if he doesn’t see that, he’s a no-talent nobody and doesn’t deserve your time.”

“Chas!”

Chas walked over and put his hands on her shoulders, turning her to face him. “I’m serious, Tessa, you have real talent, and it shows in those plays. I think this is absolutely the fox’s fish, that they’ll be read by someone who actually works in the industry. Who knows where it could go from there?” he said, exaggeratedly shrugging his shoulders. “Now, get your things, we’re going shopping.”

“We are?”

“Well, of course we are darling, you need something to wear for your date!”

***

Sitting on the patio of the café the next evening, she felt awkward and overdressed. Her auburn hair was pulled into an elegant chignon, and Chas had helped her settle on a fitted black dress with lace on the shoulders and an open back. Over that she wore a soft grey knit shawl with tiny rainbow colored beads dripping from the bottom. Gods, how she hated being out of her comfort zone like this! He likely forgot as soon as he walked away, she thought grumpily. He’ll never show up. She was at the same time hopeful and worried that he wouldn’t.

“You really need to stop glowering,” said Chas over his latte. “You’re curdling the steamed milk.” He took a sip. “You know, most people would be thrilled to be in your shoes tonight. I certainly would.”

She sighed and tried to relax slightly. It didn’t work. “This is silly, Chas. Why am I here? You know I don’t date. He likely won’t even show….”

Her words trailed off as an expensive looking vehicle pulled up to the curb. The rear door opened and a tall, well-dressed man got out.

“That’s my cue,” Chas murmured, standing up and walking into the café. “Do try to have some fun tonight, would you? For me?”

Tessa barely heard him. I can’t believe this is happening! She thought, her mouth dry with something approaching panic.

Tom walked over to where she was standing and smiled. “You look lovely,” he said. A small crowd was beginning to gather, excitedly whispering to each other. A camera flashed behind him, blinding her momentarily.

He saw her blink and offered his arm to her. “My apologies,” he murmured in her ear. “I’m afraid this is somewhat of a hazard of being seen in public with me. Shall we?”

She ducked her head, suddenly feeling shy, and let him lead her to the car. At the curb she looked back into the restaurant, suddenly wishing Chas were coming with them. She felt completely out of her element. He saw her looking and waggled his fingers at them, grinning. Stupid! She berated herself. Since when do you need Chas to hold your hand? Or anyone for that matter?

Tom followed her glance inquisitively. He saw Chas waving and waved back, then opened the car door for her. Several more camera flashes went off as she slid into the dark interior, and Tom followed. “A friend of yours I assume? He looks charming.”

“Chas is my best friend and roommate,” she said. “We met at a writing event a few years ago, just after…that is, shortly after I began working at the university.” She looked out the window at the passing scenery, trying to compose herself.

Tom was silent for a moment as he watched her, then laughed. “I’m truly embarrassed to say so, but I do believe I quite forgot to ask your name yesterday. Tom Hiddleston, at your service,” he held out his hand, his eyes twinkling with humour.

Tessa took his offered hand. “Tessa Alpin,” she said.

“Utterly charmed,” he whispered, kissing the back of her hand lightly. She blushed again and took her hand back. I haven’t blushed this much in literally years! She thought, upset with herself. What am I, fifteen again? Try not to make an absolute fool of yourself, Tessa.

***

The restaurant was a small upscale place on the west side of the city overlooking the water. Tessa had never been anywhere quite so fancy before. She let the staff take her shawl before they were shown to a table near the windows. The city lights spread along the water’s edge to either side of them as the sun dipped low across the water. The first few stars were beginning to make their appearance in the sky.

“What a view,” she commented, suddenly nervous as he held her chair for her.

Tom smiled at her. “Indeed it is,” he said warmly, looking at her rather than out the window. She felt her cheeks warm again.

Tom selected a wine for them and they ordered their meals. He was an attentive date, charming and funny, and despite herself Tessa began to relax. They talked and laughed about many things as they ate their delicious meals. As their plates were being unobtrusively cleared away, an easy silence settled between them.

Darkness had fallen outside the windows, at least, as near to darkness as the city ever saw. “Tell me about yourself, Tessa,” Tom asked. “Have you always lived here?”

A shadow crossed her features briefly. “No, I only moved here after…a few years ago,” she said. “When I was offered a job writing for the university here.” Don’t think of before, Tessa. All that matters is now. ”It’s beautiful here though, and I try to make it out into the mountains at least a few times a year.”

“Yes, I love the area,” Tom said. “I haven’t spent much time here so far, but there’s a lot here to keep me coming back.” He smiled slightly and leaned back in his chair. “You know, skiing and surfing and, perhaps the coffee…”

She laughed. “Perhaps,” she agreed.

“Do you have family in the area as well?”

There it was. The question she’d been dreading all evening. The one that made her avoid letting people close. Chas was the only person in her new life who knew all the details of the old.

“Not nearby, no,” she wished she could leave it at that. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I have twin sons, both in college. They chose to stay when I moved here rather than change schools and leave their friends.” It had been a hard decision, for all three of them, when she had chosen to accept this job and move halfway across the country.

“It must have been hard for you to leave them,” Tom said softly. “What of their father?”

“He passed.”

Tom was quiet for a moment. She waited for the awkward platitudes that always followed that admission, the looks of pity, the empty sympathy as people shied away from the less beautiful parts of life. “You have such strength,” he said finally. Surprised, she looked up. “You were dealt a terrible hand, no doubt about that. Yet you chose to move to a brand new place, away from everything familiar, and build anew. If that’s not strength, what is?”

She thought about his words for a moment. To her it always felt more like cowardice, not strength, that found her running away from all of the dreams that had been shattered with a single phone call. Even if she had found new dreams when she got here.

The band shifted into a slower song, and Tom stood. “Would you do me the honor of this dance?” he asked, holding his hand out to her.

How could she refuse? He’d been so charming all evening, the perfect gentleman. She stood and took his hand and they walked onto the dance floor. As she moved into his arms, she became aware of how small her hand felt in his large one, his other hand resting lightly at the small of her back. And he was so tall! The soft hair of his carefully trimmed beard brushed her temple as they swayed gently to the music. Tessa found it hard to think of anything but his presence with him so close. She wasn’t sure she appreciated the sensation.

The song ended and they made their way back to their table. Tessa found herself relieved at the physical distance across the table. She tried to put her thoughts back in order as Tom ordered coffees for them.

“So you’ve said you work at the university here. Do you teach?”

“Yes,” she answered, grateful for the safety of the topic. “I teach modern theology.”

“Modern theology, like religion?” Tom asked.

“Mmm, well, kind of?” Tessa thought how best to describe it. “It’s not that I’m teaching how or what to believe as far as religion goes, it’s more like comparing the differences and similarities of various religions around the world and throughout the ages. Where did they come from and why might a group of people have believed what they did, and where those beliefs may have come from.”

“So almost world history in a way, too. Fascinating. That must be where the interest in the Norse comes from. How did you become interested in screenwriting?”

She smiled a little. “Well that’s a relatively new thing. I’ve always loved theatre, and I’ve written books and dissertations and articles over the years for various topics. When I moved here and I didn’t know anyone I found myself with a lot of free hours to fill and decided to see if I could combine the two.” She grinned into her coffee. “And Thor had just come out and the world was wild about it. It gave me the idea for where to start.”

Tom chuckled. “Always happy to help. I really hope you’ll let me read some of it one day.”

“I never really meant for anyone to read them, to be honest, I mean I’ve hardly let Chas read much of it, unless I get really stuck and need a different viewpoint. It’s just a personal project to fill the hours. Although if you’re really interested maybe I can email you a few scenes. I can’t promise any of it will make sense though!”

Tom threw back his head and laughed. Gods, what a beautiful man, she thought, then mentally shook herself. Stop that, Tessa, that’s not what you need to be thinking about.

“I would, I really would like to read it, if you’re willing to share. So you just haunt random coffee shops and make a mess on their tables to work? Don’t you have an office?” His eyes twinkled as he teased her.

“I don’t like the quiet,” she said. “It gets too loud and I can’t think. I do my best work surrounded by that kind of chaos.”

“I can understand that. Do you often get harassed by curious strangers that ask too many questions?” He favoured her with a mischievous grin.

Tessa laughed. It felt good to laugh, she decided. She hadn’t done enough of it lately. “Not often,” she admitted. “And usually when I do I just ‘scare them off with all things nerdy’ as Chas puts it.”

That made him laugh again. “Your friend Chas sounds like a very interesting person. I should like to meet him someday. Seriously though, that does work. People seem to be terrified of intelligence these days. It’s unfortunate.”

“People are afraid of anything that might make them stand out from the crowd. If you’re seen as smart, you could also be seen as dumb. So if they fly under the radar, so to speak, and aren’t seen as either smart or dumb, they feel safer. At least that’s my observation.”

“A very valid point. Although, a very sorry state the world is in, when average is seen as the best thing to strive for.” Tom glanced out the window, seeming almost sad for a moment. “’When we are born, we cry, that we are come to this great stage of fools…’” He turned back to Tessa. “Do you fancy a walk along the water? We need not go far if you’re tired.”

“Sure,” said Tessa, smiling at his quote from Shakespeare’s King Lear.

The restaurant staff brought her shawl as Tom settled the bill and they left the restaurant. Again, Tom offered her his arm. Together they walked, quietly, each enjoying the night, their own thoughts and each other’s presence. They wandered to the end of the pier where they stopped, looking out over the calm, moonlit ocean.

“Thank you for agreeing to dinner with me tonight, Tessa,” said Tom, turning towards her slightly. “Believe it or not, it isn’t every day that I pick up intelligent, attractive women from coffee shops.”

She laughed quietly. “Well it’s not every day that I get that sort of offer, or would accept. Not that you gave me much chance to say no.” He grinned sheepishly, eyes crinkling at the corners. “Especially by men like you,” she finished quietly.

Tessa felt, more than saw, him flip in and out of his Marvel persona. “There are no other men like me,” he said, quoting his character, Loki.

They laughed together. “That’s a kind of magic itself, how you are able do that. Amazing!”

Hand in hand they began walking back to the car. All the way to her apartment Tom regaled her with anecdotes of life on the set. They were still laughing when the car pulled to a stop outside her building. He stepped out of the vehicle and held out his hand to assist her.

Tom offered his arm to her again as they walked to the door of the apartment she shared with Chas. As they stopped outside, Tessa turned to face him, suddenly nervous again. “I had a wonderful time tonight, Tom,” she began, then stopped, having no idea what to say next.

“As did I, Tessa,” said Tom, taking her hands. “I have to fly out tomorrow afternoon, but I’m back in a couple of weeks. I’d really like to see you again. Would it be okay if I called you?”

She wanted to say no. She knew it would only lead her to more heartache if she said yes. It’s why she avoided dating in the first place. Besides, he was Tom Hiddleston, a gorgeous, talented, A-list actor who could probably have almost any woman in the world with only a devilish smile and a crook of his finger. She was a widow with two grown children and a lot of baggage. There was no way this could go anywhere. She opened her mouth to tell him so.

“I’d like that,” she said, surprising herself.

Tom’s smile was like the sun splitting the clouds. She couldn’t help but smile back. He leaned down brushed her lips with his, ever so gently.

Tessa felt a million different things at once. She felt on fire, although the night air surrounding them was cool. She felt lightheaded, and thought she might fall if he let go of her hands. She felt other things too, and was trying to ignore them.

He pulled away and looked down at her, his eyes dark. He bit his lower lip then moistened his lips with his tongue, as if he were still trying to taste her there. “Good night, Tessa,” Tom murmured.

“Good night,” she whispered back, unable to find her voice. She watched him walk slowly away. As he opened the door to his car he turned and blew her a kiss.

Tessa pulled out her keys, then leaned her forehead against the door for a moment, feeling completely off balance. Please let Chas be asleep, she thought, then unlocked the door and went in.

#fanfiction #tom hiddleston #original female character #first writing project #angst #tell me what you think

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munchflix · 6 years

Text

WATCHMEN - THE SUPER EXTENDED CUT

IMDB BLURB: In 1985 where former superheroes exist, the murder of a colleague sends active vigilante Rorschach into his own sprawling investigation, uncovering something that could completely change the course of history as we know it.

WARNINGS: Giant blue peen, large bepis. It's blue. Malin Ackerman can't act for shit. Attempted rape. Lots of murder. Some gore. Adult themes? Zack Snyder. Repulsive sex scene. It's not gross, it's just weird and uncomfortable. And unnecessarily long.

RATING: Who watches the Watchmen? Us...unfortunately.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this. And please please don’t watch this fucking movie.

MUNCH: I want you to know, first thing, that I will never forgive you for making me watch this for a THIRD TIME. I first saw this in the theatre on my birthday and it was awful then. I spent three hours waiting for it to get better and it didn't and now you're making us watch the super extended version with 30 more minutes of shit I DON'T WANT TO SEE. I am old and I was a fan of the comic long before this detritus was filmed. I was actually excited for this shit. This movie, like a lot of the movies we review once a year, is bad. It's pretty, it's well filmed, it has a brilliant cast, and it sucks like a Dyson trying to fellate a rubber chicken.

BISCUITS: Okay...I'm gonna be upfront about this. We're gonna have to be here for each other during this review. We need to BELIEVE in ourselves, and to share our mental fortitude. That might be the only way we'll be strong enough to make it through. Even then, there's no guarantee we'll make it...but if we do, we'll emerge from the other side as changed women, now knowing the true power that the bond of friendship can hold. Or not. Actually, we'll probably just end up sad. But the point is, we need to be here for each other.

M: The Nixon makeup is so bad. All this budget and he looks like a half melted wax statue.

These are the Nixons, folks.

B: Jeffrey Dean Morgan in old age makeup? I'd still smash that. The DOOMSDAY CLOCK! That's a reference to the comic! Get it?! We're JUST like the comic!

M: That's part of what bugs me, there's so many moments just taken straight out of the comic and then the rest of it is just Zack Snyder mentally masturbating about how cool he is.

B: Let me tell you younguns - long before the days of Suicide Squad and Batman V. Superman, Zack Snyder created the first of many tragic mistakes in the saga of "DC and Warner Bros. Attempt to Movie". It was dark, overdramatic, and had little substance behind its superficially good visuals. But Warner Bros. were all like "OMG Zach, look at all this money. Can you fuck ALL our beloved properties like this???"

M: Nostaaaaaalgia.

B: Okay, Unforgettable - this song was in the comic, it was in the book. It was playing in a scene in the comic but it was when Dan and Laurie tried to have sex for the first time. I don't understand the rationale behind using a song from the comic but putting it in a completely different scene. Why did you make that change? I don't understand why you would do that.

M: Watchmen in a nutshell. JESUS CHRIST I forgot that the explosions come in about 30 times louder than everything else.

B: Why is the Comedian wearing a smiley face pin on his bathrobe? Because of the symbolism??? Nostalgia. This is from the coooooooooomic. This is the first instance of inappropriate soundtracking, which is alright the first time but gets annoying when you do it over and over.

M: I have no idea. Oh yeah..the movie. The Comedian is fighting a mysterious figure that we'll figure out who it is later. Unless you've read the comic. It's Veidt. Slow zoom on the pin with the blood spatter because it's SYMBOLISM. Also the Comedian got thrown out a window. There's also been half an hour of slow mo and we're only 5 minutes into the movie.

B: *burps loudly* Bob Dylan, because there was a reference to a Bob Dylan song in the comic. Slow shots of our great heroes, The Minutemen. Zacc Snyder, fuck you. These were the original super hero dudes who spawned the existence of all the other masked vigilantes in this universe.

M: Gerard Butler??? Who the fuck is Gerard Butler?? Hang on, I have to look this up. Oh...he's in the Tales of the Black Freighter, which is only in this super-long ultra-extended edition.

This gif makes it look like Gerard Butler is playing Sally Jupiter. This is not the case (unfortunately?).

B: Which we're watching because we hate ourselves. Historical landmarks to set up the time period. Also Silhouette was a lesbian. Dollar Bill got killed when his cape got stuck in a revolving door. NO CAPES! Mothman went nuts and got put in an asylum. The minutemen turned out fine. Also Silhouette is dead. And Gay.

M: Bury your gays. She was only alive for two minutes of credits.

B: To be fair, she didn’t really have a role in the book either. Also, Kennedy is killed. By the Comedian. Which I suppose was implied in the comic...very vaguely. This is way too much exposition. We can read about history, we don't need a recap of every single event since 1940. We aren't that dumb, Zakk. There's more politics in this intro than exposition but Watchmen was supposed to be political. I have big problems with Matthew Goode....goode? How is that pronounced? Look at all that BEEF tho. Arby’s, I got ya new commercial right here.

I’ll take the one on the far left with cheese, please.

M: Slow the fuck down, jesus. I can't type as fast as you thirst. I'm gonna make you type this if you don't slow down.

B: Glad I'm not wearing a retainer. You think Jeffrey Dean Morgan would pay for it? Also Night Owl's costume looks so shitty.

M: Seriously, slow down. I have issues with how contoured Manhattan is.

B: And then everything went bad for the vigilantes and they got banned. This is SO LOUD. Tell Zaque Snyder I get spooked easily. I don’t like loud noises, I’m like a wild animal.

M: Oh yeah so the Comedian is dead. Two detectives wonder how he died. So mysterious. It was Veidt. Don't blame me if you didn't read the comic, it's been out for 30 fucking years.

B: My other issue with this movie, it doesn't ADD anything to it's source material. If I wanted just Watchmen I'd just read the comic. I could read most or all of it in the time it takes to watch this movie. So...Rorschach is ranting.

M: That's all he really does in this movie tho is rant.

B: All the towns in the world and I had to end up in this one. The ballsack town. Comedian kept a picture of Sally by his bed but that's backwards...she kept a picture of HIM on her bedside.

M: Rorschach found Comedian's secret closet where he went to be gay. Or a superhero. Or both. So he knows he's the Comedian.

B: Well, one or two of them were gay...a bunch of guys who wear their underwear outside their pants and this is somehow surprising? More slow mo.

M: This movie could be an hour and half shorter without all the pointless slo mo. Hollis is being played by Stephen McHattie and I love him so much.

B: Patrick Wilson (you can tell it’s Patrick Wilson because he looks exactly like Patrick Wilson) is playing Night Owl and he is a very good boy. The best boy. Although he doesn't have much competition for goodest boy, most of the boys are pretty bad. Hollis Mason is played up to be more Drunk Grandpa than caring mentor figure. Raw footage of Rorschach looking like FUCKING BIGFOOT. Your local cryptid.

*X-Files theme plays*

M: That was 20 seconds of super important extra footage that we missed from the original 3 hour long movie. Okay so movie, right. Drieberg goes home to find his home has been broken into. It's Rorschach. Eating beans. HUMAN BEANS. With HUMAN BEAN JUICE. We saw you lumbering around like Bigfoot on the news. Rorschach's mask is cool tho. One point for you, Zackk Snyder.

B: Rorschach, because he's a tinfoil hat conspiracy theorist is like " I think someone's killing masks" even tho only one mask person has died so far. Patrick Wilson is a good actor but his performance in this movie is so blech. I dunno if that was the direction he was given or...

M: Part two of things wrong with Watchmen. Lots of good actors giving boring performances. I love many of these actors but they're so dull.

B: Except Malin Ackerman. It was an experimental time, Chad! All of our Bro Moments. Our BROMENTS.

M: WHY CAN'T I QUIT YOU, CHAD?!

B: Maybe Drieberg quit on account of the Keene act because it started being illegal to do the thing, but Rorschach didn't because he’s crazy. And he's doing more edgelord monologuing.

M: Holy crap the animation.

B: And now with NO CONTEXT we get launched into the Tales of the Black Freighter. It's an anime, apparently. (makes angry angry noises ) this makes me SO mad because the Black Freighter, though a story within a story, had an explanation for its presence. It's being read by someone within the bigger story. In the movie it almost looks like it was animated by Ralph Bakshi. Like the people who did Jojo's Bizarre Adventure and Ralph Bakshi had a bad trip together.

This is what I see, every night in my dreams.

M: I guess this is being narrated by Gerard Butler?? This is so out of place. It takes you completely out of the immersion of the movie to show you this movie. That was super jarring though.

B: The comic had a lot more leeway when it came to blending the stories together. Oh and now we get a shot of someone reading the comic to bring us back. Rorschach in the comic was described as being fascinatingly ugly. I think Jackie Earl Haley is too good looking.

M: And Veidt. I hate everything they did with this entire fucking character. I hate the way he looks, the way he talks, the way he acts, the way he Veidts. I fucking hate him so much. I hate what they did with his story and the whole Manhattan cancer thing. It's DUMB.

B: Why is Dan here? It was Rorschach who warned Adrian. And they're talking about nuclear war, very important to the crux of everything. This lighting is ugly. It makes Veidt look like a greasy boy.

M: He IS a greasy boy.

B: Meeting with Dreiberg left bad taste in mouth. Like cold beans.

M: Rorschach is expositioning everything we've already seen, dialogue straight out of the comic.

B: Rorschach breaks in to see Manhattan. Rorschach asks the real questions: Does Adrian Veidt is gay??

M: That is a HUGE ASS. Btw Manhattan is naked. He is super naked. You will never be allowed to forget that he is naked.

B: Malin Ackerman shows up...to “act”.... The mention temporal interference already, so you won't be surprised at the end of the movie. They really overemphasize Manhattan's eye things. He looks like a sad panda. I have issues with his CGI, he is really over contoured and he looks really...weird....Laurie...stop talking. PLease. Don't act, don't try to act.

Pictured: Sad Panda

M: Now he's taking Laurie on some fucking weird time trip that was supposed to happen three hours from now in the story. Manhattan is just sad in this movie. All his rage and his indifference are gone. He's just sad. He tells her the future and he's sad about it. And now, 99 Luftballoons so we don't forget it's the 80's.

B: This wasn't how this happened in the comic EITHER. Zacque Snyder and his love of throwing random songs into movies with no regard for how they might impact the mood.

M: So Lori is having dinner with Dreiberg just like Jon told her too. I'm giving up on spelling any names right as of right now.

B: They reminisce about their young days when they fought crime and dressed up like lunatics and all that stuff. Ah those days are behind us. We're in our 40's but in the movie we're like 25. Jon thinks there's gonna be nuclear war and also he can't fix my bad acting. They turned Laurie into such a sexy lamp in this movie. They strip everything away from her that made her interesting. I am laurie, I am GIRL. Who needs oxygen when you have another man's money.

You so. Fuckin. Precious. When you. Smile.

M: The Sound of Silence begins playing. We both laugh and denounce Zaeck Snyder and the horse he rode in on.

B: Should have been Take me to Church. I didn't realize how awful the soundtracking was in this movie the first time. They just throw in recognizable songs.

M: Comedian is getting buried. Rorschach is here and Manhattan and Dreiberg. And Simon and Garfunkle. It's not making this scene better. It's making it so much worse. Lori has been randomly teleported to her mothers with zero context. Her mother is Carla Gugino who deserves better than being in this fucking movie. They quote dialogue right from the comic. Did Zaquery Snyder write ANY dialogue for this movie? Her old age makeup is fucking awful and she is overacting this so hard.

B: And then we have the flashback to old days where the Comedian tries to rape her. The entire purpose of this flashback in one sentence. That's the plot point. From the comic. That we need to get into the movie somehow. I suppose they're going for show don't tell. At the moment i'm just focused on how it extends this torturous experience.

M: I have a lot of issues with this part. He beats her far more severely in the movie. They start the scene almost making it look like she did ask for it with all the slow undressing. It's so fucking unnecessary.

B: And then Hooded Justice comes in and this doesn't make sense in the movie when Comedian asks him if he gets off on this. But since they don't get into this in the movie...I think they're just trying to get us to go OH THE COMEDIAN IS A BAD GUY, HE'S SUCH A BAD GUY. We can get that. Why does everything in this movie take so long?

M: Everyone is having flashbacks to their time with Eddie. Manhattan is blowing up the entirety of the viet cong while the Comedian shoots people and Ride of the Valkyries is playing for no reason.

In awe at the size of this lad.

B: NEXT TIME YOU INVITE JON.

M: And then we get the Comedian is a horrible person but AGAIN because he's gonna shoot this woman he knocked up and Jon doesn't stop him. Jon is so fucking ripped that even fuzzed out in the background you can see every muscle.

B: They tell the story of how Eddie got his scar even though he doesn't...have it in the movie? Yeah I killed that woman I knocked up but you didn't stop me because you don't care and well...you're not wrong.

M: And now Veidt gets to have HIS flashback so we can be sure that the Comedian really was an asshole. The Comedian informs everyone that their plan is garb while Jon and Laurel Ann make goo goo eyes at each other which will become relevant an hour ago because they're obviously a couple NOW. He sets Ozymandias’ (Veidt's) map on fire to emphasize his point.

B: Ozymandias will remember that. Watchmen would make a great Telltale game. And Dan has his American Dream flashback where the Comedian is helping with crowd control and we don't care what's going on because the Comedian looks DAMN HOT. In slow mo.

M: Biscuit's thirst meter has increased tenfold.

B: What happened to the American Dream? You're looking at it. Just as beefy and greasy as I imagined it. He had a really nice arm vein going on in that scene. I have a gif of that for uh...research purposes. Very swole.

Pictured: The American Dream

M: I just realized that I don't really thirst after anyone in this movie. The comedian is hot because Jeffrey Dean Morgan but my thirst level is so low comparatively. The only main chick is Malin Ackerman and uh...no.

B: You're getting gayer the older you get.

M: I can't even deny that.

B: Moloch! He's a former supervillian of sorts and Rorschach is chasing him down because uh...I don't know. He just shows up and is like Hey fuck you buddy.

M: I still want an explanation for why Moloch alone has pointed ears. Nobody else in the entire movie has that kind of deformity.

B: And he's like The Comedian just showed up in my house! He was drunk and crying! We've all been there. We've all broken into our former nemesis's house drunk and crying. Maybe that's just me...

M: Except that's what really happened....

B: And the Comedian is like - I did some fucked up shit but this is worse! The shit this unnamed bad guy is doing worse! And he says that Moloch and Manhattan’s old girlfriend are on some mysterious list!

M: It's Veidt. Rorschach tries to nail Moloch for taking a medication made from apricot pits. Which are POISONOUS BTW, DO NOT EAT THEM. Rorschach spends fucking ten more minutes slow mo fucking monologuing about shit we already know and JUST SAW. There's so much extra shit in this movie that does not need to be here. He sounds like fucking Wolverine. Is that Hollis?

B: I can't even tell because this movie is SO DARK. We get a feeble attempt to connect newspaper man and the animated comic.

M: At least it's less jarring. Comic man drools excessively for no reason. They're even leaving bits of THIS story out and making it even weirder and more disparate than it needs to be. Fucking why.

The nightmares, they never stop.

M: Okay Jesus they went from that straight to Loorie and Jon trying to have sexxors and this is so wrong and out of place. And then Jon is six people.

B: god. jon. stop. what are u doing? I took a theatre class in high school and all those kids were better actors than Malin Ackerman. Which is bad because Laurie is an integral character in Watchmen. This happened way earlier and this is why she ran away to Dan in the comic, but it's fine. It's fine. Whatever. I don't care. She gets mad but not really because acting.

M: Jon underacts but that's his entire thing. This is so disjointed. Jon is teleporting reactors to Karnak while they argue. This will be relevant later.

B: Three bepis, no FOUR! Too much bepis for my needs. Or not enough...

M: Jesus Christ.

B: And NOW laurie shows up at dan's place. We needed to drag this out because we were REALLY stretching to get this movie to feature length, y’know?? We were really scraping at the bottom of the Watchmen barrel for content. There's just not enough material to get a good long juicy film out of it.

M: Can we just skip this whole part? I'll summarize. Laurie and Dan spend half an hour whining at each other because Laurie and Jon had a fight and they kinda wanna bang but that will take three hours to get to as well for no good goddamn reason. Meanwhile Jon is putting on a suit to do a tv interview.

B: There's a lot of scenes of Dan and Laurie but there's no chemistry at all between them and there's no buildup to their actual relationship. Even Dan is so nothing in this movie and I liked him. And there's an article from the comic because this is JUST LIKE THE COMIC.

M: Why are they...oh they're going to Hollis...but this isn't how it happened. They literally make this longer for no reason.

B: I know it would be really hard to cut anything from Watchmen, because pretty much everything is significant - there's no material that can really be removed that wouldn’t be missed in the final product. BUUUT they just added a whole ton of meaningless shit to this damn movie! At the expense of scenes we actually wanted! Dr Manhattan has his tv interview. This is not gonna go well. Everyone is like wtf are you talking about Jon. Dan and Lori beat up a bunch of thugs because uh...they're living for thrills?

M: Some reporter dude stands up and starts shit with Manhattan. He accuses him of giving everyone cancer. I'm sorry I caused all that cancer. You'd think Jon would KNOW whether or not he caused cancer...he was a fucking physicist.

B: Jon doesn't know whether or not he's radioactive. Spoiler alert: he ain't. He's just had his intrinsic fields removed - really simple procedure, like taking out the appendix.

M: *cronches pizza rolls*

B: A lot less screen time for Janey Slater in the movie, too. She's like "PRETTY PATTIES TURNED MY FACE PURPLE!!!" and then Doc Manhattan teleports everyone out of the studio because he's very emotional rn. That makes...one person in this movie with intense emotions.

M: You're right there...nobody in this movie really shows much in the way of emotion. Everyone's just sorta like "well, the world's going to shit - huh." I REALLY don't like the way they incorporated Tales of the Black Freighter into this movie.

B: Idec what's happening in this stupid anime. Man wants to get home before the freighter. Builds raft out of bloated corpses. Freaky eyes. It's supposed to parallel various elements of the 'real world' storylines but it's so jarring that drawing those connections becomes nigh on impossible. In the comic, panels from TotBF were often right alongside panels from the main story, but you couldn't really do something like that in a movie. They also still don't really do anything with the newspaper corner bits.

M: Did they actually show Dr. Manhattan leaving Earth?

B: No. Not yet.

M: So they just throw us into this scenario?

B: Yep. Dr. Manhattan got ANGERY and was like "y'know what? I'm going to Mars to deliver some exposition!! Way later than this happened in the comic, but who gives a flying fuck??" And we sorta get the explanation of the way Jon perceives time - but again, much less effective than it was in the comic. Everything in this movie is so DARK. 'Dark and gritty' doesn't usually refer to the visuals of a story.

M: Jon got stuck in an experimental machine where they were doing SCIENCE. He got disintegrated.

B: Just look at the SYMBOLISM...I mean, uh, the time. Jon's narration sounds like ASMR. He eventually manages to reassemble himself, but now he's blue....and nAkEd.

M: This giant naked blue dude shows up and Janey is just like "Jon?? Is that you??"

B: Jon is super-powerful, so the govt lords him as a weapon and uses him to help end the Vietnam war, and a lot of references to nuclear power.

M: I know his symbol is supposed to be a hydrogen atom, but it kinda looks like the power button on an Xbox.

Particle man, particle man...

B: This movie feels significantly gorier than the comic...which is not necessary. Janey is worried about how powerful Jon is - or she just wants him to put some fuckin' pants on.

M: Speaking of things that take you out of the movie - Jon's ENTIRE backstory in one flashback. Worked in the comic, not in the movie.

B: Jon macks on a 16 year old girl and is like - why is this a problem? My girlfriend is getting old, I gotta get a new one. Also I'm tired of earth. Going to mars.

M: We literally zoom out from Jon's ass crack.

B: There is no reason to put a physical or cgi camera that close to anyone's ass crack.

M: Jon has fucked off and now they're interrogating Laurie about where he went. She randomly assaults one of them because she can? Why are we having this slo mo smoking moment? And now another flashback to the Comedian... oh right, we have to have Laurie's version of why this guy was a douchebag.

B: Eddie's like, you think I'd fuck my daughter? And Sally is like - yah you might.

M: The gubmint is freaking out because their giant blue naked nuclear weapon has gone to Mars. I hate the Nixon makeup so much. He looks so fake. They wasted their budget on Manhattan's cock. I can't believe we still have 2 hours of this shit left.

B: (separate tangent about her cat) I'd rather focus on my cat than this movie. Why is this scene happening? Why is it significant? Is it supposed to increase the tension with the whole nuclear war thing??

M: I don't know. Why is it going on for so long? They figured out he's on mars because there's a blue spot? Uh...Laurie is beating up a guy and chaining him to a radiator? What....What did that have to do with ANYTHING? The gubmint is now attacking Veidt for trying to create free energy...?

B: This scene is just for Ozymandias to explain his backstory...I guess??

M: I honestly have no idea what's going on.

B: It's supposed to parallel the scene in the comic where he talks about Alexander the Great and stuff...

M: This happened at the END of the comic tho.

B: But here it's just...confusing. The choices they made just generally leave you feeling confused. Not like the comic did. It's ‘Vight’. I'm right.

Adrian Veidt is gay is the most discussed in the media in the few years ago.

M: Oh and now the scene where a hitman shows up disguised as a pizza guy so we can slow mo more totally excessive gore.

B: There was plenty of violence in the comic but...you can be dark and edgy without being this damn gory. Dan and Laurie have yet another meaningless conversation at a table and now Dan is suddenly on board with Rorshach's paranoia??

M: And Dan invites her to come over but in the comic she literally ran to him immediately after Jon left. Jesus now Rorshach is fucking monologuing again. They're fucking with the order of events again and it's pissing me off.

B: They don't seem to do it with any rhyme or reason. You have to make changes to adapt to a medium but there's zero apparent reason for the changes in chronology...

M: Rorschach breaks into Moloch's house so he can get caught again. Why the fuck would Moloch know about any of this??

B: But Moloch is dead. It was a SET UP.

M: I'm losing all plot cohesiveness because of all this nonsense. I can't remember what actually happened. Ten minutes of Rorshach slow mo fighting his way out but he's gonna get caught because Veidt organized all this but they don't tell you that in the movie because of reasons.

B: We're not explaining a lot of the plot because it's happening so slowly. They caught Rorschach. They takin' im to prison.

M: Rorschach don't care. He got shit to do. And now maybe back to the animation...? Yes.

B: They do like 1/16th of this shit with the newstand corner. They should have just not at all done it. They just seem like framing to put the Black Freighter in there.

M: Except they don't do it every time, and that makes it worse. And they made weird ass changes to this story too. It's supposed to parallel what's happening in the main story but it's making NO SENSE.

B: This also adds nothing to the story and it breaks the immersion.

M: It mostly seems like an excuse to be gross. And now for Rorschach's mental health evaluation.

B: He's psycho bonkers crazy. Part of the concept of Watchmen is that everyone has issues. The complex psychology.

Look inside your local garbage and you may find a friend and boy.

M: Aw who cares about that. Let's shoot off some more fingers! We get his entire backstory in very very short flashbacks. He's still nuts.

B: This was over the course of quite a while in the comic.

M: Yeah but suddenly we're pressed for time in the seven hour long movie so we gotta condense his entire story into a ten minute scene. Which makes this feel rushed, which is fucking weird considering how drawn out every fucking thing in this movie is.

B: The comic felt like a bunch of stories being told at once but all tying in together at a certain point. Convergent stories The movie feels like a bunch of different stories that happen and then they're over. They're not tying anything together. (Biscuits starts singing Linkin Park because this part is so fucking dark)

M: So he's telling this story about how he killed a guy for kidnapping a girl and Biscuits is looking up the name of that song because she can't remember what it's called and still singing.

B: It's called Shadow of the Day...it’s like the one Linkin Park song I know

M: Okay. And Rorschach is gonna....kill this guy with a hatchet???

B: That is NOT how that happened. He tied him up and set that house on fire. But now he's gonna hit that guy in the head 20 times. And now he's Rorschach. There is no Laura, only Zuul.

M: ...Dana!!

B: Oh...Dana....is that from...

M: Ghostbusters!

B: I didn't wanna say it and have you be like - No it's from the Exorcist!

M: That would have been pretty funny in the exorcist. There is no Pazuzu, only Zuul.

B: Rorschach delivers the iconic line - I'm not locked in here with you, you're locked in here with me. The angrier he gets the more gravelly his voice gets. Meanwhile back at the ranch...Lori looks at Dan's shit.

M: You gotta be more specific. In this movie it might be actual shit. She's looking at this ship.

B: He's got some cool etchings, and a stamp collection. She sets things on fire. In the comic she thought it was the cigarette lighter. That's not how you put out a fire.

Laurie is an expert firefighter.

M: She doesn't have any brains.

B: She's an animatronic being controlled offscreen. Everything is so bland in this movie. We really aren't given any reasons to connect with Dan and Laurie.

M: This scene isn't helping either. It's boring and we don't care what's happening because we don't fucking care about Dan and Looooooorie. I can't think of a couple with less chemistry than these two.

B: Do you know what this means??

M: Yes.

B: We're getting close to the sex scene. It's like a case study in how not to do a sex scene in a movie. It's like the most awkward horrible thing that can be done. These scenes were in the comic, but not like this.

M: They're not gonna bang right now anyway because Dan can't get it up because uh...Adrian isn't doing gymnastics in the background and Unforgettable isn't playing.

B: Patrick Wilson's titty.

M: Did we really need to...

B: It's okay. Patrick Wilson is reasonably attractive. I would give those titties a six. Maybe a seven. Compared to having to see Malin Ackerman's tits, I would give them an 11. They're better than Manhattan's tits, which are cgen and disgustingly hyperdetailed.

M: BACK TO RORSCHACH. Who is being threatened by a little person named Big Figure because that's fucking funny. I guess. But it's also canon. And now Dan's dreaming but there's no actual meaning here because they do it wrong.

B: It really would have been better to put that in there after Dan and Laurie stop trying to bang instead of going to Rorschach?

M: And then IMMEDIATELY back to the animated parts with NO warning.

B: That was the worst editing I've ever seen. Sharks are eating the corpse boat.

M: I'm so confused. How did that shark get back up into the boat thing....

B: Who the fuck cares anymore.

M: Back to reality?? Snoop Dogg threatens the comic reading man because uh...

B: Snap back to reality...OH there goes gravity...something about spaghetti. And now back to Dan who is staring naked at his suit. There's too many behinds in this movie.

M: Are you gonna rate it?

B: I like plenty of naked behinds in other contexts.

M: I'm not even gonna ask.

B: Dreiberg is pretty ripped for being supposedly flabby and old. Laurrrrrie decides they should go fight crime.

Unfortunately, Malin Akerman.

M: Night Owl's costume is so bad. Like Ozymandias’ costume and...most of the costumes.

B: Laurie's costume is mostly see through because she can't fight crime if she's not sexy. We don't get any explanation of Dan's bird love in the movie. He's a good bird boy. That's a tongue twister.

M: They're saving people from a fire. I kinda want to go take a nap.

B: Why is he shooting into the burning building???

M: I don't know! Oh it's a water tower.

B: I thought he was just shooting up a burning building.

M: I'm sorry but she would be DEAD from that backdraft. There is no way. So now they gotta drop people off so they can bang in the owlship. Which I don't wanna see. SKIP.

B: This isn't how this happened in the comic at all.

M: Back to Rorschach again. They don't do the whole language pun thing which was so fucking cool in the comic. Big Figure. Small world. Why is all Rorschach's shit cut out??? Don't tell me they didn't have time. They see one dead guy and they know Rorschach is alive?

B: Professional dead guy appraiser.

M: Oh yeah there's a whole prison riot going on but we don't know why in the movie because they don't explain it.

B: Now Dan and Lari are gonna beat up some guys but it's so fucking dark it's like I'm watching Fan4stic. More slow mo.

M: They had to cut Rorschach's story to make time for all the slow mo.

B: I hate Night Owl's outfit. Leri's doesn't look anything like the comic either. I punched that guy! I'm a strong independent woman!

M: Rorschach goes to kill Big Figure in the bathroom which also fucks up what happened in the comic. Luri calls Rorschach an idiot and they start bitch fighting but Dan is like come on we gotta go. We have an hour left. We have to start building each other up.

B: (sings Livin' on a prayer )

M: NOT HOW THIS HAPPENED EITHER. Jon shows up after they get back and kidnaps Liri to mars where there's no air because he's a dick like that.

B: Diet bepis.

M: Laurie somehow knows she's on Mars because there's a giant glass sculpture there. Like on Mars. You know. Back to Snoop and his gang who randomly decide to take out Night Owl but pick the wrong one and beat up Hollis. Poor Hollis.

Yep, definitely Mars.

B: Obviously the editors don't care about the timeline either. Liri's mother is on the phone with Hollis talking about what happened the night before but I thought this was the same night? Who genuinely cares?

M: This movie is rated almost 5 stars on Amazon. You go Hollis, punch at least one of em!

B: The gang beats up Hollis and kills him because it's JUST LIKE THE COMIC. Hollis has flashbacks while he's getting killed. And killed by his own award. But we don't get the scene where he GOT the award. It's fine. I'm not mad.

M: Back to fucking Rorschach and Dan and Laurie and I'm tired of typing that sentence. Rorschach suddenly is sure it's the pyramid people doing all the bad but he has no fucking evidence? Dan lays the smack down and the bromance can continue.

Just like back in college...

B: We're just two dudes in a rad bromance....They're going to an underworld bar because they're looking for seedy dudes.

M: How would these dudes even know about the pyramid thing?

B: That's just how Rorschach do. Follow the money. Rorschach writes a lot of youtube conspiracy videos.

M: Dan finds out some dude helped kill Hollis.

B: Also back on Mars...ugh..his dick is moving back and forth and I know that’s realistic but ugh...It’s different when it’s just a still panel in a comic and not...this...you're made of molecular nothingness, can't you just suck it up into your body or something?

M: Back on Mars Jon goes on his seven hour long predestination trip while his dick wiggles.

B: Jon I have feelings, pls believe me.

M: You can't fucking...you can't...you can't fucking take all this dialogue and re-arrange it and make it work. It doesn't work, now it just seems empty and nobody cares. Lauree was having a total breakdown because Jon wanted HER to make him save the entire earth and now just stand there looking bored.

B: Dan and Ror have broken into Veidt's office searching for answers. Dan is an expert hacker. Creator's name was Jeff Jeff, born on the eighth of Jeff, 19-Jeffity-Jeff. So I put in 'Jeff'.

M: Do they even mention in the movie that Adrian Veidt is supposed to be like, the 'smartest man in the world'? Actually, we don't really learn anything about Veidt in this movie...What do we really know about him? He's rich? He makes plans? Possibly homosexual?

B: *Hacker voice* I'm in. Boys Folder, iconic. Veidt doesn't really keep his most secret government and corporate secrets very...well-hidden. Next to his boys, yanno.

M: Adrian had a team of like three people in the comic. His suit...

B: It has nip- It has NIPPLES!!!

M: *chokes to death laughing* I've never heard anyone so angry about nipples in my whole life.

A toast, to my suit’s nipples.

B: Did Batman and Robin teach the human race nothing???!!? Nipples on superhero costumes = a bad idea. Veidt has killed all his scientists. AND NOW - My Bubastis rant. Whhyyyyy is Bubastis in this fucking movie??????? She just shows up in this scence with NO EXPLANATION. Just, "oh hey...Ozymandias has a giant mutant lynx." and why would she even EXIST in this continuity - he doesn't need the eugenics program in this version of the story. Was he just like "I want a mutant cat, please make me one."

M: How do we still have 50 minutes of movie left??? Oh, I guess...Tales of the Black Freighter. This is still going on. Crazy guy has reached land and kills some people, believing his hometown has been taken over....who really cares. Was there really anyone clamoring for them to put this into the movie?

B: *basically says nothing for this entire bit*

M: *basically says nothing for this entire bit*

B: NO TRANSITIONS, YEAH!

M: Now we're back to have the least impassioned discussion about saving the world ever. "Jon, no, everyone will die...." That's not how this happened - that's not how ANY of this happened. Y'know what, Jon, ya big naked blue freak...

B: Laurie sounds like a teenager who's mad that her parents won't buy her a car.

M: "Do that thing you do..." This is making me irrationally angry, and I've seen this TWICE.

B: This part makes me SO mad. Irrationally mad. They fuck this up so much. We do not get any context to explain how much Laurie hated the Comedian, and why him being her father is such a big deal.

M: Also, in the comic, it was a big deal that Laurie had this realization of her own volition. It came naturally as she tried to fight back her past memories (which were not at all like this), instead of just being magically brought out by Jon.

B: They completely squander Laurie's biggest moment of emotional development, in turn squandering Jon's turning point in deciding to save the world

M: I liked the whole snowglobe bit in the comic...I thought that was like really powerful, but in this she just...throws a temper tantrum.

B: Ugly cry face. At least...I think she's crying. Might just have smelled some expired doppelganger. Jon's speech about life is also...rushed. And they leave out my favorite line. “Come, dry your eyes, for you are life - rarer than a quark and unpredictable beyond the dreams of Heisenberg.”

Acting, I think...

M: Laurie looks like she doesn't understand a single thing Jon's saying to her right now. "Jon...you're talking science again, and I don't understand it."

B: I've already complained about the inappropriate scoring. It hasn't gotten any better.

M: So Dan and Ror are heading to Antartica at record fucking speed. Rorschach tries to tell Dan how to drive the fucking ship Dan designed and built. All Along the Watchtower is playing at record loudness for no reason. Somehow they made it to Antartica in five minutes.

B: They're heeeeeere.

M: If Veidt knew they were coming why wouldn't he just open the door instead of letting them fry it with lasers? Veidt is sitting there pretending that he doesn't notice them creeping in to kill him. Suddenly we are shown that Veidt is somehow some superhuman fighter and gymnast which wasn't included in the movie at all.

B: Come on and SLAM. Hello there, sailors.

M: And now for some exposition while a vigorous swordfight is going on. Not really. Veidt is still going on and on about how smart he is and how he organized all this shit.

B: As with any mystery, it ends with the villian explaining how he did everything.

M: In the comic he literally says he's not a comic villian and wouldn't do that, but you know.

B: I could have sworn there was an alien in here....like there was something vaguely about an alien?? This is alien invader erasure and I will not tolerate it. That would break the suspension of disbelief, I guess. If Veidt wanted to make an alien and use that to unite the world.

M: Yeah that would be bonkers, especially in a world where giant naked blue men with god powers exist.

B: He is smart enough not to monologue BEFORE he pulled off his evil plan.

M: And now we see earth exploding or whatever because of Veidt and uh...suddenly we're back at the fucking animated comic.

B: The whole idea of him uniting the world against Manhattan just doesn't click for me. The alien was supposed to be neutral, to be anomalous. It also doesn't make sense that he would drive Jon to leave earth.

M: Way to pull us the fuck out of the super important ending. Slow zoom back out to the kid reading the comic who complains that it makes no sense. I feel you kid.

B: They're trying to pull everything together here with the clock and the therapist guy and everything but it was all crushed by the alien invader but now it's just Dr Manhattan's..energy force?? But they'll be able to recognize that it was Manhattans? Didn't they know that Veidt was trying to use his energy too??

M: Yes.

B: Oh it's bad. Oh no.

Bubastis’ one moment in the movie...

M: Jon and Lurie return to earth post uh..time bomb or whatever. Jon realizes the energy signature is here. He is not muddled or confused or anything though like he is in the book, so he just immediately goes to Antartica to kick Veidt's ass but then immediately goes through the intrinsic field subtractor like a fucking moron. Why would this even effect Jon? Why would the smartest man alive not figure out that it wouldn't work?

B: Laurie says things....she shoots Veidt but he catches the bullet because he's uh..just that radical. Stuff is happening.

M: For not being a comic book villian Veidt is super fucking acting like a goddamn comic book villian. Jon shows up all super huge now and he's kinda mad at Veidt. But not that mad. Veidt uses his magical remote control to show melty face Nixon demanding peace.

B: And this works because...why not?

M: Because the fucking movie has to end SOMETIME. In the comic there were hundreds of screens showing everything but you know...America. Veidt is like - this is our victory Jon and Jon SHOULD be like - you used me to blow people up dude. Fuck you.

B: Uh uh, can't do that, you'll screw up the peace! Rorschach is like fuck no, I ain't keeping this a secret.

M: I'd side with Rorschach with this tbh, Veidt is a fucking madman. He's like the fucking Governor from the Walking Dead. Ror goes out to try and tell the world but Jon kills him.

B: But of course he wouldn't do that, he told the world 35 minutes ago!

M: He literally did. Rorschach explodes and Dan gets all sad. That was my favorite Rorschach! Now Patrick Wilson's ugly cry face.

I loved that Rorschach like a Rorschach...

B: Jon decides to leave and Laurie is like but why and he's like - well I can't go back to earth NOW.

M: I don't understand why Dan is trying to kick Veidt's ass now. He already agreed to let the mass murder slide. Veidt seems unconcerned.

B: We don't get the whole nothing ever ends quote either, which was a big deal in the comic.

M: They fucked the ending hard though. Like with a chainsaw.

B: They fucked the whole movie hard. With like 17 giant dicks. This shit is way fucked.

M: So I guess Dan and Lbrbbrie go back home? And visit her mom cos you know.

B: And all the reconciliation Lrry had to do in the comic is reduced to one pathetic encounter with her mother. And it means NOTHING because we only get one little scene where Loree is SAD. The whole movie is this way. It's just a bunch of stuff that HAPPENS.

M: I don't give a shit about any of these characters. There's a lot of Lyrie and Dan kissy facing and talking about stuff that doesn't matter now.

B: Nothing ever ends but that's not..at all the way it was supposed to be done...at all.

M: WHY ISN'T THIS OVER, GOD. Straight outta the fucking comic we get the last bit where the greasy kid pulls Rorschach's fucking notebook out of the crank file to publish it so 30 years later they could write the mess that is Doomsday Clock.

B: Not EVEN gonna get into that. That's a whole other screaming fit. But that’s a comic, not a movie.

M: *AGGRESSIVE HEADBANGING TO DESOLATION ROW*

B: *AGGRESSIVE HEADBANGING TO DESOLATION ROW*

M: I don't have any closing thoughts. I'm tired of typing. I hate this movie. I hate what they do to every fucking Alan Moore venture. He deserves better. Write less deep shit Alan and they might actually do you right one day.

B: I find the existence of this movie to be a highly overrated phenomenon. I do, however, fucking love the My Chemical Romance cover of Desolation Row.

Munch and Biscuits out, yo.

#watchmen #munchflix #alan moore #comic #comics #movie #bad movie #dr. manhattan #the comedian #rorschach

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takaraphoenix · 7 years

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Fuck. This is going to be really very long. And I am saying that knowing how long my previous rants were. Those were short compared to what’s about to come.

I absolutely, completely and unconditionally love Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It is the singular most perfect TV show in existence. Nothing I have ever seen has lived up to it and I doubt anything I will ever see will live up to this show in its whole. This is my second favorite show on my top five list and it’s held that spot for the past fifteen years (which mind sound strange that I put the “most perfect TV show in existence” on spot two, but… I’m fully aware of all the flaws in my most favorite show and that I love that one with my nostalgia goggles on, but it will still always be my number one and not even Buffy’s perfection can kick it off the throne).

Now, just because I love something doesn’t mean I perceive it as flawless. I am fully aware of its flaws. But nothing is a hundred percent perfect.

I don’t even know where to start, but I think the beginning is the best.

What I hate about most supernatural shows is how “They are now thrown into this strange, new world with monsters… and immediately forget all about their non-supernatural friends” that literally every other show with supernatural elements does.

Not Buffy. When she first meets Willow and Xander, the two kind of only had each other and their buffy who gets killed off right at the start. And even then, Willow and Xander were the non-supernatural normal friends. And they became so important.

The fact that Buffy has this group of ordinary people behind her and really just human characters and that they back her up, that alone is awesome.

The Scooby Gang in general is awesome.

That is my favorite thing about the show. The relationships between the characters and how important they are. That the friendship never takes second place to the romance, like how many other shows like to write it. Because regardless of who was added to the plot and who left again, in the very end, it always came down to Buffy, Willow, Xander and Giles and I will always cry at the show’s finale when it is just the four of them, parting ways to go into their very last battle, I mean fuck I’m crying right now just writing this because it was just so heavy with the emotions and the importance of their friendship.

They are the heart and backbone of this show and the show never forgot it.

Many shows forget themselves, they forget the values and beauty they once represented, the longer the show goes on. And Buffy never did. Sure, it lost itself in the middle - but we’ll get to that when we get to that - but it caught itself and never declined fully.

Buffy Summers is an amazing character. She’s a girly-girl who loves lollipops and talking about boys and whining. She’s the most badass female character ever written in TV who saves the world repeatedly and comes back from the dead just to do it again, who has been beaten down by life in the cruelest ways possible and still kept on surviving but never without the scars. Her struggles were never just shrugged off. They became themes that were being dealt with realistically. For fuck’s sake, we had a plotline about her working at a burger shop because yes, this is a show taking place in reality and bills are something that needs to be paid even if you save the world. She is not a perfect character, she made a lot of bad decisions along the way, but that is what makes her human. She is not some character created for an agenda to show that “girls can do anything boys can” and is thus forbidden from doing anything overly girls, as many writers mistakenly do when trying to write strong female characters, because a female is not powerful and strong just because she belittles women who like wearing pink and dressing prettily and who see “girl” as an insult. That is not how strong women work.

Women are complex characters, just like every character should be. They don’t have to solemnly be one way so they aren’t the other way. And Buffy is a beautiful example of the complexity of it all.

Willow Rosenberg is an amazing character. She’s one of the characters in TV that had the biggest character development. This shy, demure girl that became the most badass bitch around who could kick your ass into a parallel dimension with the blink of an eye. The fact that she was literally the first lesbian I ever saw only made her more amazing for me. You see, I started watching Buffy with season 4, which first premiered in Germany in 2001, because, well, I was 10 when I started watching that show since earlier was kind of a little too young in my mom’s eyes, but she’s been watching it for years at that point and I kept lingering in the doorway with pleading eyes because vampires and witches and werewolves, mom, please, until I got to watch it. Right in the season where Willow and Tara fell in love. And I was legitimately in awe, because the concept of two women falling in love was new to me. I never met a real life lesbian before and on TV, the highest of their feelings were Will & Grace with the gays, but lesbians? Never seen that before. It was amazing for me.

And I will forever be grateful that Willow and Tara were my first representation of lesbians that I met.

Xander Harris is an amazing characer. I mean, seriously, I could do this for nearly every character but I’ll only be doing it for the Big Three for the sake of time, okay? He was this fearful, dorky, kinda useless normal dude in the beginning, but he had such a strong backbone, he always knew he’d be there for his friends. And he always was. What made him so special was that he wasn’t special. He was just A Guy. Where Buffy was the Slayer and Willow became the most powerful witch in existence, he was just a normal guy. The original Matt Donovan and Stiles Stilinski and Simon Lewis (despite him turning into a vampire later on, I will still count him for this category). The quippy human best friend to the supernatural. But he adapted. He found his own place among the supernatural and his own way of prodicing for them, helping them.

It amuses me that actually, I kind of started watching this show with its weakest season. Season 4. But let’s start with the other seasons first (I mean, I warned you guys that this is gonna be long).

Buffy was my first high school TV show. All shows I had watched up to that point were family comedies like Married with Children and Full House. But this was the first real look into how American high schools work and I loved it. The first three seasons in itself are the best of Buffy. I’m not even able to pick one season as the best because I like the whole stretch of it.

The dynamics, the characters, the villains, the plots.

Cordelia Chase is - argh, I didn’t want to do this for every character, so I’ll keep it short - another amazing example at character development. From the shallow, air-headed Barbie to a strong ally and friend who fought with her head held high and I will never forget Angel for ruining her.

And okay, if I take a sentence for Cordelia, I can really, truly not skip Giles. Giles, who will forever be The Mentor. When I hear “mentor figure” or “father figure”, I will always first and foremost think of Giles. He was the father and guide to them all, but he was not the one strong pillar, he too had his struggles. It’s one of the things that made me love the second Percy Jackson movie because Anthony Stewart Head is who I pictured as Chiron when reading the books and it is the most perfect casting they could have made.

The first three seasons arched beautifully together, tying the struggles of the high school students turned demon hunters, the funny elements and self-awareness, the serious undertones.

The scene at graduation when the class gave Buffy an award for being Class Protector is one of my favorite TV moments, because this… this acknowledgment of “Yeah, we weren’t always there for you and we didn’t bother getting to know you, but we know you’re there and we know what you did for us” and honestly, I’m crying again, this is ridiculous.

They graduate from high school and then… life continues. Like. Life continues in a realistic way. They go to college, or not in Xander’s case. They struggle with what to do with their lives, they try to find their own paths in what I consider the most realistic portrait in TV. In others, it’s not just “Yup, they college. We’ll mention college every now and again, but it never interferes with the demon hunting” like with most others. Buffy struggles with college work and demon killing, Willow soaks it all up because it’s exactly her world, Xander doesn’t know what to do with it, Giles struggles with what to do with his life in general.

Still, I consider season 4 the weakest season because the Initiative was… It wasn’t used well enough. It appeared and then it kind of disappeared again and in this show where the lore and world-building are so rich and on-point, the Initiative was the one hit and miss they did. Not to mention, I don’t like zombies and Adam creeped me out and was the weirdest major Big Bad that they ever had in that show.

But it brought back Spike and made him a more complex character than just “Bad guy with bad attitude and insane girlfriend”.

Which is a good cue-in for the ships and love-stories, actually.

Buffy is and perhaps will always be the only franchise where the love-triangle clicks for me. Angel/Buffy? Yes. Oh god, what a beautiful, tragic love-story, please give me more of them, OTP all the way. Spike/Buffy? Oh, the pain but they are so good for them and when he’s good, he’s the best, please give me more of them, OTP all the way.

I literally can not decide on who to ship her with. With most love-triangles, I either do not care about both options, or I want to cross the badly written female out of the equation and want to dive right into the slash fiction, or there’s only one good pairing in the options anyway.

The tragicly ironic thing is that for Willow, I have and always will ship her most with Oz though. Willow and Oz were that perfect soft warm ship for me, when I got to finally watch the first three seasons as the reruns hit Germany.

Willow and Tara, while beautiful at times, were also very tragic. The way Willow lied to Tara and manipulated her was just so unhealthy. I do love them together, I just think that I love Oz and Willow a bit more.

Xander is a mess. Like. Seriously. Him and Cordelia. Him and Anya. I can not decide which one I like more in the end, but think that, at this point, it really does become clear that I can cut this show into two parts. The first three seasons of high school where Angel/Buffy, Xander/Cordelia and Oz/Willow are just all the yes, as well as the post graduation seasons where Spike/Buffy, Xander/Anya and Willow/Tara are just all the yes. Which really, truly fascinates me.

Because it’s really rare for a show to get me on board with its canon couples in general. This show does an amazing job on that too.

So, season 4 was kind of flawed in the way the Initiative wasn’t grounded enough in this world and how weak its endgame villain came off.

Season 5 brought the legit only thing about this show that I hate. Dawn Summers.

Urgh. It makes me shudder to just think about her. She’s such an awful and useless and stupid person. And yes, I’m saying person here, because “character” would blame it on the writing and make it sound like she’s a badly written character, which she is not. She was intended to be the annoying, dumb, useless little sister. Not every character can or has to be flawless or lovable. She’s just that… one that isn’t.

And she just becomes worse in season 6, honestly. She is such a self-centered brat that has no concept of the struggles of others. Like. Yes, I understand that she has problems and that she suffers too, but so does everyone and if someone doesn’t have time for her, she acts out. They just… They do have a lot on their plates, trying to save the world and keep you from being homeless, you know? Which, okay, was a solid portrayal of an angsty, bratty teen, I suppose, because teenagers, as I recall from my own time as one, are fascinatingly blind for the struggles of adults. Doesn’t make her less annoying though.

I take back what I said earlier, about not being able to pick a favorite season. Season 6 is my favorite season, which in itself is baffling. Normally, I pick one of the very early seasons of a show because they keep declining afterward until they crash and burn.

Season 6 did the exact opposite of what other shows do. Where other shows feel the need to top it all off, go wilder and broader and more brutal and bigger enemies until it becomes an unrealistic mess, this one just…

Three human boys.

That’s the enemy of the season. Just three stupid idiots who play pranks on the good guys, for the most part. And it was the perfect choice, because instead of having to deal with those major Big Bads, we get the chance to deal with the characters. The one thing I keep complaining about in other shows, how they’re too overcrowded with plot to even give the characters any time to deal with stuff or interact.

Buffy did it.

They stepped back from the Big Bad in favor of dealing with the bigger issues. Dawn being not a real human and not dealing well with that. Buffy having died and being brought back. Willow becoming addicted to magic. Xander… completely fucking up the best thing in his life.

We have character plots in this season.

Character plots that still end in a big battle of epic proportions when Willow literally becomes a Dark Witch powerful enough to destroy the world. But instead of it being some epic battle, it’s one of the… quietest fights ever and it’s brought home in such a beautiful way because it’s about grief and loss and pain and love.

And those. Those are the moments that make Buffy the most perfect TV show to me. It never loses its humanity. Maybe the most emotional scene in all of this show happened in season 5, when Joyce Summers died and Anya talked about her death, about the concept of death. That will never cease to make me cry.

And season 7 was the perfect ending. The way it rounded things up, it brought every single thing full circle, all the way to that above mentioned scene of Giles, Buffy, Willow and Xander parting ways before the very final battle, among all the loudness of everyone, it is brought to the forefront one last time that it is them.

The way they solved the whole Slayer thing, the Big Bad they chose for their final season, the development. Nathan Fillion as one of the creepiest bad guys ever. The fact that, even after all those seasons already, Buffy still had a struggle, had to prove herself.

I have one or two major bones to pick with it, because I hated when the group decided “Lol, nope, we don’t need you, Buffy”… that broke my heart. It breaks my heart every single time I watch it because even her friends tell her they need a break from her. I mean, I love how she found safety and support in Spike’s arms after that scene, but that it happened at all and that after things of course go wrong without Buffy, they all come crawling back… it makes me angry. It was important to bring them all as a team together, but to me it will always feel OoC coming from those she had fought alongside with for seven years, those who should always have her back who always did have her back.

And, when talking about bones to pick, aside from weak season 4 and Dawn Summers, there’s just one more major thing that I have a problem with.

Hank Summers. For those who forgot because he’s literally only been in two episodes, that’s Buffy’s dad. Because Buffy has a father. The “(half-)orphan”-trope is very overused, but I genuinely think this show would have benefitted from it.

Hank Summers does nothing. Not even when his ex-wife dies and his teenage daughter and barely-above-twenty daughter are left all on their own. He doesn’t pitch in with money, he doesn’t visit, he doesn’t even think about taking Dawn in and taking care of her himself.

I mean. Same as with Dawn, it can just be said that he is a Bad Person and a Seriously Bad Dad, but… Give me a break, Buffy deserved better than that. Having him be dead would really have been better, especially when Joyce dies and he just… “Nope, no interest in those kids”.

And on that note, let me add Faith (who I accidentally forgot about before). She’s... probably the most complex character, because it’s easy to hate her, but it’s also kind of easy to love her. She’s definitely the most flawed character and that’s what makes her good. Because she’s bad. She gets the same powers as Buffy, but unlike other Slayers, she gets morally corrupted. But she also finds her way again. She’s a badass bitch and she definitely brought something new to the table. I loved how flawed she was, because she was not a good person, but when needed, she was one of the good guys. They never pretended to turn her around into a good person though, she always stayed true to herself.

The reason I’m adding her here is because I feel like she messes up the mythology a little. Part of me really loved how they brought in Kendra after Buffy died, because “When the Slayer dies, another Slayer awakens” and that they remembered to keep with that when Kendra died. But after that, this kind of really fell apart and is one of the biggest plot-holes to the show, in my eyes.

Buffy died three times. But only her first death awakened a new Slayer. Now, you can argue that with that, the mantle was passed on, but... When Buffy came back from the dead, she still had her Slayer abilities. She was still the Slayer, she wasn’t suddenly back to being the normal girl she was before she turned sixteen and became the Slayer. So technically, considering she was still the Slayer, her other deaths should have also passed on the mantle and thus awoken two more Slayers.

Not to mention... in the history of Slayers, Buffy was the first one to be brought back to life? I always found that hard to believe. No one ever used CPR or magic on a Slayer before? I doubt it.

So in this very rich and grounded lore and mythology, I have a problem with “We got Kendra and then we got Faith and... we don’t bother explaining why we never got any additional Slayers”.

Now, as we conclude this, let me wrap up what exactly makes Buffy the Vampire Slayer the most perfect TV show to me.

1.) The superb writing.

Not just the plot as I laid it out above, the way they knew when to step back and when to give character plotlines instead of big and loud action plots. Simply the dialogues alone. This show holds up. It’s a time-capsule of the 90s, sure, but its writing and dialogues are still funny, emotional, heavy, with exactly the right words chosen. The writing on this show is in every aspect overwhelmingly brilliant.

2.) The characters.

They’re individual, they’re well-developed, they have their own plots and relationships and they are all important, not just the titular character. It inverted tropes with its characters, it managed to put strong female characters out there without having “being a strong female character” be their only and defining character trades.

3.) The story.

Okay, this is technically part of the writing too, but I think it deserves its special shout-out. Because this show has a consistent lore where not all of a sudden all the time something new is shoehorned in and retconned in and where it comes apart by the seams the more seasons it has because you notice the writers didn’t think ahead so far. No, this world is fleshed out, its lore is established and as it is. It’s consistent.

Yes, it’s not flawless, but damn it’s the closest to flawless that I’ve ever seen.

#ask me a show and I shall rant #TV Rants #Fandom Rants #Buffy the Vampire Slayer #Buffy is basically perfect #Joss Whedon is essentially a genius #We need more strong female characters like Buffy #mystoryandotherrandomthoughts

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vicekings · 8 years

Text

Blind Eye Blaze

Brynden/Ben fic i promised lol. ~1750 words, nothing really explicit about it.

if you’ve got eye issues and struggle with reading it on my theme, here’s a link to the google doc copy of it

dunno if im gonna put it on ao3 yet we’ll see.

note: bryn’s just gonna be referred to as the Playa for most of the fic, but it is 100% bryn lol. takes place during sr1 after Ben is rescued from the VK coup and up until the boat explosion.

The “Playa’s” apartment was comfortable, if not exactly homey. It was quiet most of the time, with the owner absent and Ben left alone. It felt much more like an abandoned military outpost than an apartment. The place felt… empty.

Ben vaguely wondered how the Playa trusted him purely on Julius’s word (if he even did trust him, really) enough to leave him alone in the apartment. Trusted him enough to let Ben take his bed and sleep on the couch instead, at least. Trusted him not to leave, as the lock on the door had been broken long before Ben took up residency and remained broken even now. The Playa didn't have much in the apartment worth stealing, he supposed.

He supposed, and didn't complain. The Playa made him breakfast. The Playa made sure the bathroom door locked. The Playa gave him his space. The Playa brought back takeout and didn't interrupt him.

He was good.

“The best friend I've had in long damn while.” Ben had said over lukewarm chicken fried rice one evening.

“And I don't even know your goddamn name.”

The Playa smirked and cocked his head aside, silver eyes twinkling in the dim light. As per usual, he offered no reply. He poked at his food.

---

Ben found the Playa’s leftovers in the fridge the next morning; barely touched. The styrofoam box sat right beside the almost-empty bottle of scotch. On the shelf above sat Ben’s lunch, with a note from the playa in deceptively elegant script, asking him to put the clothes in the wash and letting him know that the “lift” was out. There was money on the counter for Ben to buy pizza with. If he wanted delivery, he'd have to go downstairs and pick it up.

Judging from the increasing cracks in the windows and the Playa’s already proven cooking proficiency, Ben figured the money could be better used on other things.

He bought pizza anyways. They shared it over the last dregs of scotch and shitty beer.

“If you didn't waste cash on pizza and booze, you might be able to afford to fix those windows.” Ben said casually, just barely watching the shitty hallmark movie on the old box TV.

The Playa snorted.

The woman in the movie grew visibly angry. “This is not a home!” She snapped. “This is not my home!” Her fiery red hair was whipped around by the fierce winds of winter.

Ben didn't quite know why, but he chuckled. The Playa did too.

“Her dye job is almost as bad as yours.” Ben laughed.

Something sparked in the Playa's eyes. It almost looked like fear. The glimmer of it lasted a breath, then left as fast as it had come. Had Ben been looking, he might've noticed. When he finally did look up, the Playa had pulled his hood up over his greasy black locks. Ben stomped down the whim to ask him when the last time he had showered was.

---

The Playa showered the next day, though Ben suspected he wouldn't have if not for the sudden and overwhelming smell of gasoline and rotting fish that lingered on him and his clothing. When the playa emerged from the bathroom, wrapped only in a towel, his greasy black hair had changed back to a blood red. So blood red that Ben had felt a brief moment of panic smack into him like a train at the sight of it. Only when the Playa shook out his shaggy mop of hair did Ben feel his heart rate drift back to normal.

“You'll need a new dye kit.” Ben observed.

The Playa glanced up at him with the eyes of a kicked puppy and then nodded cautiously.

“Relax, Lisbeth Salander. I won't tell anyone your dirty little secret.” Ben chuckled.

The Playa cracked a smile, and pointed towards the first aid kit on the counter. Ben handed it over, noticing the gash on the Playa’s stomach for the first time as he did so.

---

If Julius was going to send Ben to the doghouse for weeks over a little bullet wound, then of course it made sense he'd send the Playa back too for the knife wound. Ben never considered that the Playa might've made the choice on his own. This was, after all, the man who had taken on a daredevil mission to save a gang leader with only a motorbike and a handgun. He had to be advised once in awhile.

While the Playa was in the bathroom re-dyeing his hair, his cell phone lit up with a text.

Julius: Where are you?

Five minutes later, the Playa’s cell phone rang. Ben picked up.

“He's recovering, Jules. Give him a day. Yeah, knife wound, I think. He's fine. I'll let him know you called.”

This was also the man who had thrown him on Johnny Gat’s desk and successfully patched him up on his own, no hospital required. Perhaps he didn't need advice after all.

---

Ben's newest friendship was built on beer and shitty Hallmark movies. He supposed there were worse ways to make friends. He supposed that spicing things up and watching melodramatic hospital shows with his new friend counted as developing their relationship. For two days while the Playa rested, that’s all the two of them did.

That's all Ben did.

The Playa read, mostly when Ben was asleep. Ben wasn't sure the Playa slept at all, but then again Ben wasn't sure about much when it came to the Playa. What he did know was that when he woke up, the bookmark had gotten closer to the end of the novel.

When the Playa left again, his copy of Dorian Gray was tucked neatly on the DVD shelf filled mostly with other tattered books.

---

Ben woke up shaking. He hadn't done that in a long time. As he caught his breath, the warm hand against his back almost made him lose it again.

The Playa looked him with concern in his eyes. “We can start tomorrow.” He said, in the gravelly tone that was rarely heard and barely sounded right on his tongue. “You've healed up enough.”

“What about you?” Ben asked, still shuddering.

Snorting, the Playa shrugged. He offered up the glass of water from the end table.

---

On the last night Ben spent at the Playa’s apartment, they had homemade pasta and cheap boxed wine. Ben went to bed early, only feeling slightly guilty that he had displaced the Playa from his bed for three weeks.

With the sound of spraying water from the shower came the rise of a soft voice. At 2:01 in the morning, unable to sleep and sparking with nerves, Ben pondered the irony of a man who never spoke but sounded like an absolute angel when he sang.

---

Standing at the shattered glass and looking down, Ben felt a sigh settle in his soul. With Tanya fell his empire. With his car Kingdom Come burned.

The Playa placed a hand on Ben’s shoulder and squeezed lightly. Ben always forgot how tall he was until the Playa stood directly behind him, at perfect height for Ben to tuck his head against his collarbone. Ben stepped away, and fished his keys from his pocket.

“I don't have much use for it now. Get her patched up, send her to the dump, I don't really give a damn.” Ben shrugged. “Thanks, Playa. For everything.”

“I'll get her fixed.” The Playa replied, the gravelly wrong-voice dropped and replaced with a distinctly smoother and much more Irish voice.

“And it’s Brynden. The name.”

Ben paused until the silence between them became as awkward as a middle school dance.

“... What the fuck kind of name is Brynden?”

The Playa’s silver eyes glinted with the reflection of the fire. He offered a grin. “‘S my name.” He said.

“... Oh.”

“And-” the Pl- Brynden dug into his jean pockets and pulled out his own key. “Something in return. In case you ever need to lay low again. Don't be a stranger.”

Ben cocked his head aside. “So now you get the lock fixed?”

Brynden shrugged. “Until it breaks again. Best of luck to ya, Mr King. It was a pleasure.”

He trotted off into the night, carrying himself much more regally than usually.

---

No one else knew his name. The papers called him a gang member. The ladies at the coffee shop called him “a handsome devil, likely not so much though after that.” Ben called him Brynden, and Brynden was as good as dead.

Ben choked on his coffee and spat it out against the paper. He had to toss it out and nab a new one. A new one confirming he hadn't been seeing things. There on the front cover, a story that froze Ben to the core.

Alderman Hughes Dead In Tragic Boat Accident. Full story on page 4.

Brynden was a second thought, a barely mentioned nobody who died and was in critical care in the Stilwater Prison. He was the probable perpetrator, caught in his own plot.

But his grainy little picture, said to have come from a “friend” showed unmistakable silver eyes and a trademark horrendous dye job.

Ben threw the newspaper in the nearest trash bin.

---

The Playa's apartment sat as still as it had in all the time Ben had stayed there; the eerie quiet of the rooms even more noticeable with the lack of the Playa’s presence.

The lack of Brynden’s presence.

Ben exhaled shakily and sat back on the worn leather couch. He shook his head and took in the empty living room, ran his eyes over the box TV and the cracks in the walls and the books-

One was missing from the shelf. The others had slipped down in its absence. Ben found the missing text in the kitchenette, bookmarked and already gathering dust.

On the bookmarked page, a passage from a poem was highlighted in neon yellow.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight, And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way, Do not go gentle into that good night. Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light. And you, my father, there on that sad height, Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

#my fics #my writing #kate writes #brynben #brynden stark #benjamin king #sr brynden #sr #saints row #sr1

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nautilusopus · 8 years

Note

1, 10, 46

1. How did you get into FFVII?

As much as I bitch about how the original game was the best and everything afterwards was terrible, I’m actually comparatively a latecomer. Funny story – I was just gonna shit all over this game and call it a day, initially.

‘Twas the far off year of 2008-ish. The emo subculture was alive and well, nobody would shut the fuck up about Haruhi Suzumiya and how it was the Greatest Anime Ever, Legendary Frog’s career had just started to peeter out, and Let’s Plays were only just starting to become A Thing. Since the market wasn’t oversaturated to the point of self-parody at times, it was anyone’s game back then. You had your Chuggaaconroy, your Slowbeef and Beetus, your Pokecapn, your Red Chocobo/Orbital Grouse, but little else. I’d just gotten done watching the Brand Spanking New Sonic 06 LP and I figured, “hey, anyone can do this! I’ll just find a famously bad game and tear it a new asshole on the internet and get and become internet famous”.

Back then it was also in vogue to talk about how terrible and overrated VII was and how it was actually an awful game, and I was right at the goddamn forefront of that particular bandwagon. If you’re ever going through some long-forgotten internet forum crypt and find some Guest taunting people about how Final Fantasy VII is a Bad Game for emo fags and Cloud is gay and cuts himself and Sephiroth isn’t as cool as Kefka? There’s a good chance it was me (I had played neither VII nor VI at the time, it’s worth noting. I just knew that was the thing you were supposed to say.) The number one rebuttal at that point to most of the shit we’d say was “dude did you even play the games?” and the answer was no, but of course, you didn’t need to, right? You could ascertain everything you needed to know about it via Internet Vogue Opinion Osmosis. So that was obviously all there was to know about the game at all, end of story.

Also I saw a bit of Dirge. Did nothing to help my opinion of the franchise at all.

So, I had my Definitely Shitty Game, I picked up a used copy for fifteen bucks (a real bargain, even back then), and I sat down to complain loudly about everything that could possibly be complained about and prove all those haterzz wrong. I did pretty well for the first three hours – The Graphics are Bad™, Cloud is a Douchebag and I Hate Him™ (that’s another thing, I fucking despised Cloud at first), Aeris is a Mary Sue™, Tifa is Boring™, Sephiroth is Gay and Fucks His Mother™, Who Is This Black Man Why Did Nobody Tell Me About Him™, et cetera. Wall Market earned a few brownie points with me just out of shock value alone, since before that point my main exposure to T and M rated content had been Metal Gear Solid and the tone that adult content is handled with in each of them is quite different.

Then I hit the Shinra Tower segment and found the President dead at his desk and went through the chase scene afterwards. Been a diehard fan ever since. Never looked back.

It’s difficult to describe the exact moment where I realised “hooooly shit I was wrong about everything this game is fucking amazing”, but I think a lot of it can be summed up with the idea that it took every preconceived notion that I had developed about what the game absolutely must be like and smashed them to pieces. The characters were expertly written, the story was complex and surreal and bittersweet and funny without ever feeling like they needed to sacrifice levity for drama or vice versa. You have to realise, if you were generally familiar with traditional RPGs like I was back then and then went into VII expecting the same traditional RPG setup, this game would have blown your goddamn mind. A lot of what’s taken for granted about how story-heavy games are written nowadays stemmed from VII, and in complaining about it being overhyped, one does have to realise it was hyped as much as it was initially for a really good reason. I knew about Aeris by then, everyone did. What I didn’t know about was the sheer magnitude of everything else in the story that nobody ever fucking talked about because how could you possibly, and people are still debating about it all to this day. You can’t gush about the brilliance of the plot twist on disc 2 and the subtleties it reveals about Cloud’s character the same way you can about “Oh man did you see when Aeris dies that was so sad guys”, or the questions the game poses about what makes you you in terms of validation and guilt and identity, and the mature insightful take it had on mental illness that is rarely matched even to this day, and the innovative way where they decided that death wasn’t heroic or glamorous or beautiful or tragic but instead just sucks and hurts a whole fucking lot and comes to everyone in the end the way you can about “WHOA THAT SUMMON CUTSCENE WAS FOUR MINUTES LONG AND THAT DRAGON BLEW UP A CONTINENT”.

(And then I played Dirge and Crisis Core and saw the movies and was crushed because it went and proved thirteen year-old me right about all the stupid bullshit I said because it was the opposite of everything I ever loved about the original. God damn you, Nojima, you hack.)

VII is a good fucking game and it has the box quote it does for a damn good reason. Go play it.

Since then I’ve always tried to avoid buying into internet hype about when a game is supposedly bad, because I almost made the same mistake all over again with Undertale. It says a lot about VII that I actively tried to hate it as much as I possibly could whether it was necessary or not and still wound up absolutely loving it. You never know, is all I’m saying. Make your own decisions.

10. A NOTP?

ACGZsvs Statutory Rape Gangbang

1.Cloud is 14-16, that’s gross. Like, with Zack, it’s alright I guess, but everything else is gross.

2. All of these people are his fucking bosses and outrank him ten times over. In a military setting. That’s extra gross. And fraternisation. (Also are you telling me Shinra doesn’t publicly execute any sort of insubordiation via firing squad on live television, especially with their top weapons?)

3. It’s illustrative of basically everything I hate about the fandom and the Compilation and the way Crisis Core went out of its way to write everyone that isn’t a the young white male marketable/shippable character out of everything even remotely resembling relevance, and how the fandom is not only absolutely fine with this, but completely on board with it all because it means they get more prettyboys to ship. Aeris is Zack’s accessory. Tifa isn’t even fucking in it. Barret? Who the fuck is Barret? Oh he’s not willowy enough and black so who cares. Nobody cares what happens to the story or the characters (or even Cloud’s arc, good god) as long a they have more material for their doujins. I hate it more than I can possibly find the words to express.

46. Favorite song in the OST?

Ah geez, this is actually a really tough one for me. I guess there’s four that really stand out for me.

I really like Cait Sith’s theme, which is actually my ringtone and has been for years because I really like jazz or anything remotely resembling jazz.

youtube

Pretty good one. Works nicely with the electric keyboard midi.

Jenova Absolute, the one I linked to earlier, is another favourite, and also my favourite boss theme, even moreso than J-E-N-O-V-A. I actually went and learned how to play it on the piano and everything, and a full arrangement of that with multiple piano tracks was gonna be my “200 follower” present to you all except then I got mic problems and then I got really lazy and then I forgot about it, so the ETA on that is “eventually probably”.

youtube

You Can Hear The Cry Of The Planet is a really good one. Very pretty, kinda spooky, vaguely alien, and sort of ominous considering what’s coming, which also plays in my favourite (also really pretty, kinda spooky, vaguely alien, and sort of ominous considering what’s coming) location in the game. It’s a shame this is the only place it plays in one location in the game. Sometimes I drive all the way back here just to listen to this one track.

The last one is another exclusive track that’s very pretty and vaguely alien (well it plays in that marshy area on disc 3 but that doesn’t count) and plays during my favourite scene in the game.

youtube

Even hearing this sets off the same step-on-my-goddamn-heart response it did all those years ago. It’s sad. Not even like “sad”, sad like you’d usually think when you hear “sad”, it’s just… sad. That’s it. That’s all he had and that’s gone and that’s it, and he just kinda unhinges because it’s all he can do. I consider this one Cloud’s theme as much as his actual theme is his theme.

Fuck I wanna play this game again now.

#tw: self-harm #asks #forfdorfsorf #tw: rape #Squid Alienates VII Fans #fury-brand #longpost is long

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