#and so much free time to read all the books ive been meaning too

[smoshyourheadin]

Maybe u could do a Spencer besties to lovers? Like they've known each other a long time yk

Thankssss no pressure if ur busy ofc <3

It’s Always Been You

cw: reader has a boyf who she breaks up w bc he’s an alchaholic!! don’t read if you aren’t comfortable, i’ll catch you another time ml 💛

a/n: EEK IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG THANK YOU FOR BEING PATIENT ANON 🫶🫶💛💛 also im taking this as smosh spence not cm spence so feel free to re-request if you’d like <33 ps, ive written that he listens to pink floyd here so thats who syd barrett is if you don’t know :))

requests r open!!

///

pairing: spencer agnew x fem!reader

florida, 2002

you and spencer were scurrying around in the freshly mown grass of his backyard, playing tag.

“you didn’t get me, you cheated!” you exclaim, ducking as he reaches out to get you again, tumbling to the floor.

“did too!” spencer retorts, his grazed knees dropping to the floor so he can lean over you. he meets your eyes, pulls a tongue, and hoists himself back up to run to his tyre swing.

all 11 years you’d known, you’d known them with spencer. your moms had been great friends since way before you were born, being in the same book club. or was it an art night? you didn’t exactly know, but you did know that because your moms were best friends, so were you and spencer.

as you sprung back up to your feet, your moms watched your antics through the kitchen window.

“whoever can swing the other the highest gets to have the last red popsicle!” he yelled as you ran over

“oh you’re so on!”

your hands gripped the tyre and you pushed like your life depended on it.

“y’know,” your mom said “one day, they’re going to end up together.”

his mom looked over at yours and smiled,

“i’d be surprised if they didnt honestly.”

los angeles, 2024

you walk through the door of your apartment, and you kick the door closed behind you. your bag slides off your shoulder, and you throw your keys onto the dresser next to the door. you only manage a long groan before flopping onto the couch.

“heya, charlie!” you scrunch your face up as you feel your dog’s cold, wet nose press against your cheek, as he gently wags his tail

“i missed you too boy, work was so tiring today.” you work at smosh with spencer, and have done for the past seven years after you left your job at another channel to join him. it was basically the best decision you’d ever made, every day filled with laughs; practically just a 24/7 hangout. you work with spencer on smosh games, but rarely ever go on camera, even if spencer’s there. you enjoy it anyway though.

you sit up and scratch behind his ears. he wiggles his body contently at your fondness. and then your stomach growls. it made sense, it was currently 6:43pm, and you last ate at noon, so you get up and drag yourself to make some mac n cheese.

as the pasta boils your phone starts ringing.

it’s james.

rubbing your hands over your face, you answer the dreaded call from your boyfriend james.

“heyyy~ sweetheart, y’doin okay? you were hic bein’ a bit of a bitch today, didnt answer my calls, what, you hate me or sumn?” he rambles, most of his words just slurring off.

“james, are you drinking again?” your voice is agitated, hearing the chattering and the low bass of a bar in the background.

you know he has a problem, and you’ve tried to get him to stop so many times. but you just can’t. he just won’t take your help.

“wha- i mean- well- no- but um- well y’r just gonna be mad at me like y’allways are” he stammers, not wanting to tell you the truth.

“no, i’m done with this. you say all this to me when you’re drunk, and then act like everything is fine! i’m sick of it! you spend so much time at the bar, and its the only place we ever go on dates, and i just end up babysitting you! so yeah i am mad! but for the last time! fuck you james.”

you hang up.

you start to tear up, the knot in your chest tight as your emotions come rushing to you, face heating up as tears begin to fall. the hissing of something behind you snaps you out of it.

“shit!” you rush over to to your stove, where the water from your pasta spills over the sides, the flames licking at the bottom of the pan.you take it off the heat and turn it off. it looks done anyway. you add some butter, and, of course, cheese. stirring gently, you sob.

james was so nice to you, always showering you with gifts and praise and love. but it was all for nothing. he just didn’t love you like he loved drinking in the end.

pouring the mac n cheese into a bowl, you call spencer.

“hey lemon! how’s my favourite person this fine evening?” you smile at the nickname.

florida, 2007

“spencer, you’re a boy. why are you so complicated? i mean, its just annoying!” you walk into his bedroom after his mom let you in, clearly pissed off. being 16 isn’t fun, especially when boys you like are rude to you.

“what did he do?” spencer doesn’t look up from his computer, just slightly turn his head.

“he said that i must eat lemons because of how bitter i am. i mean come on!” you lie on his bed and watch him play runescape.

“lemon… hmph” he just smiles and continues whatever he was doing on his game.

“what? nothing to say? ugh! you suuuuuck!”

los angeles, 2024

“yeah, i mean, no. i broke up with james.” you sniffle, and eat a forkfull of your food, elbows resting on the cold marble of the kitchen island.

“i mean- um- yeah thats horrible…” he says

“you’re allowed to celebrate, i know you hated him. and so did everyone. but still. im fragile right now!” you giggle through your gentle tears

“well, i mean, honestly? glad he’s gone. he sucked dude. not sure why you didn’t do it sooner. well, one positive to come of this, your pillows won’t stink of beer next time i nap at yours!” he replies, clearly happy for you.

“yeah,” you chuckle at the memory of spencer falling asleep on your bed, then completing his hair smelt like budweiser “that is true.”

“all seriousness though, are you okay?” his voice is genuine this time, filled with concern.

“no, not really. it’s just… different i guess. but, not much has changed y’know? like, it already felt like he wasn’t my boyfriend anymore…” you begin to ramble for at least 20 minutes, only to be met with the occasional ‘mhmn’ and ‘yeah’ from spencer. mid sentence, there’s a knock at your door.

“oh one sec, someone’s here.” you get up from your table and swing the door open to see a very sympathetic looking spencer, two target bags in his hands.

your jaw is on the floor. you were just crying to him over the phone, and he’d stayed whilst going out to get what you can only assume is things like sour patch kids and vanilla ice cream, which you could see at the top of the bag. your favourites.

“girls night?” he smirked and raised the bags at his sides.

all you can do is smile ear to ear, and wrap him in a tight hug. he leaned into you, basking in your sweet citrusy perfume.

“you’re my favourite, spencie.” you say into his shoulder.

as you both walk inside, charlie comes bounding over to spencer, his favourite person.

“who’s a good boy! charlie is!” spencer was now crouchedby your kitchen island, fussing over your dog as you walked to put on something more comfortable. you slid on some track pants and an old atari hoodie. walking back into your kitchen, spencer has unpacked the bags, and is creating his favourite conconction, The Agnew Sundae. basically the most sickeningly sweet ice cream ever. his dad made it for you both in the summer, and it consisted of:

vanilla ice cream

chocolate syrup

caramel sauce

whipped cream

sprinkles

mini marshmallows

chocolate chips

m&ms

and some crushed oreos to finish.

god, you know you’re going to regret this later, but boy was it a good way to cheer you up.

also strewn on the counter was his switch and copy of animal crossing, a few of his dvd’s for you to watch, and his mom’s chocolate chip cookies.

“spencer, how on earth did you get these? your mom lives across the country!” you hold up the baggie, and raise an eyebrow.

he looks up from his ice cream assembly station, and smirks.

“a magician never- ow!”

you cut him off by lightly jabbing his arm

“okay okay, she visited not to long ago - when she took you to the mall? and she gave me these to freeze and keep for an important event. i think she’d agree this is important.” you cant help but smile at his remark. you missed you moms.

“i’ll have to ring her later to thank her.” you say.

the night goes on, and you and spencer sit on the couch under a blanket watching barbie princess charm school. because what else are you going to watch?

as the movie goes on, and the effects of the agnew sundae kick in; you were dozing off on his shoulder. towards the end of the movie, so does he. he drifts off, comforted by your soft hair occasionally brushing against his face.

you stir awake, the sun beaming into your eyes through your semi-open blinds, and you’re hit by a wave of memory. everything that happened last night comes flooding back.

james’ call.

spencer’s call.

spencer showing up for you.

at the latter, you smile slightly. you prop yourself up on the sofa, and notice the absence of spencer’s warmth by you. frowning slightly, you walk into the kitchen.

“morning sleepyhead” his sweet voice rings through the room

“hey. i thought you’d’ve gone home”

“no, im not that mean! who do you take me for?” he retorts, his attention turning back to the pancakes on the stove.

“pancakes? what time is it?” you come up behind him, putting your chin on his shoulder.

“yeah, and it’s about 10:30.” he leant his head on yours, flipping one. you had to admit, they look pretty good.

“10:30!?” you lift you head in surprise, looking at your phone “shouldn’t we be in work?”

“nope, i called us in sick. said my mom was having surgery. which she is, but i made it sound dramatic so we could stay off.” he looks at you, and smiles slightly.

“well, send her my love! i think i’ll go get dressed now.” he hummed, and you left the room.

opening your closet, you pick out a yellow baggy t-shirt and some grey sweatpants. you pull on some fluffy socks, and slip on a zip up hoodie. walking back out into the living room, spencer walks in with two plates piled high with pancakes, drenched in syrup and strawberries

“so,” you say, a fork full of pancakes in your mouth. “whats the plan for today?”

he looks over at you, and shrugs slightly. “not sure, we could go to the book store you like?”

“ah, you know the way to a girl’s heart“ you put a hand over your chest and giggle a bit.

a few hours later, you walk into the store, door creaking just a bit as a small brass bell chimes overhead. the air is filled with a comforting mix of old paper, leather bindings, and a hint of freshly brewed coffee from the corner cafe that you and spencer like to get tea from. you breathe it in deeply, a sense of calm washing over you. as you walk over the creaky wooden floorboards beneath you, soft warm light filters down from antique lamps, and cast a gentle glow over the rows of books. you ghost your fingertips over the cloth spines while the quiet murmur of whispered conversations and the occasional rustling of pages create a soothing background noise, almost like a lullaby. through spencer’s airpods, syd barrett serenades you both, and his voice blends seamlessly with the ambiance of the store.

“anything good today lemon?” spencer says as he shimmies up next to you in the aisle of towering book shelves, his voice like honey rolling off his tongue. his hair was unruly as always, but he looked so pretty in this light. his face was littered with freckles that you wish you could kiss. he’s smiling at you, and it snaps you back to reality, and reminds you of the fact you’re staring at him

“uh, yeah, i think i’ll get this one” you smile back, holding up a copy of memoirs of a geisha by arthur golden

“cool, shayne likes that one i think. but he likes every book so…” he smiles at his own remark “um, you want me to grab our normal seats in the cafe while you pay for that?”

“yes, please!” you reply eagerly, smiling as he walked off.

you walk up to the cashier, an older lady who always gives you a bookmark.

“thank you m’darlin’, have a lovely day!”

“you too mrs bryson!” you reply, heading over to spencer who’s sat in some plush leather armchairs. as you sit in comfortable silence with him, time seems to slow down, and for a moment, it's just you, spencer, the books, and the comforting atmosphere of this charming bookstore.

“i got you your sweet tea.” he says, handing you a plastic cup filled with your favourite tea.

he remembered.

fuck.

you were in love with spencer agnew, and it took you him handing you your favourite tea to realise it.

“thanks spence.” you say, still grasping the feelings in your chest.

while you read you book and drink your tea, you feel your attention drifting to him. you can't help but glance up from the pages every now and then, watching him as he sits across from you, his focus on his own book. his fingers absently tracing the rim of his coffee mug, his brow furrowing as he reads. the way the sunlight filters through the small window, casting a warm glow across his hair, highlighting the subtle streaks of lighter brown among his dark curls. you find yourself smiling at the sight of him, wondering when these small, mundane moments began to mean so much to you. the bookstore is quiet, aside for the murmur of others reading or talking in hushed tones. yet, with spencer sitting just a few feet away, the world feels like it's faded to the background. it's just you and him, sharing this space, this moment. you watch the way his lips move slightly as he reads, how he occasionally tilts his head in concentration, and the way his eyes light up when he finds something particularly interesting. as he looks up and catches you watching him, you feel a rush of warmth spreading through your chest. he smiles at you, a slow, easy smile that makes your heart skip a beat. he raises an eyebrow, and you quickly look back down at your book, feeling your cheeks flush. but you can't help it; your gaze finds its way back to him, like he's the most interesting story in the room. he seems to notice the shift in the air between you. he closes his book and leans forward slightly, his elbows resting on his knees.

“everything okay?” he asks, his voice gentle, his eyes filled with genuine curiosity.

“yeah,” you reply, trying to sound casual, though your heart is racing. “just... glad to be here with you.”

he nods, his smile growing a bit wider. “me too.”

as he settles back into his chair, you realize that this simple exchange has changed something. the air feels lighter, the connection between you stronger. you may have come here to read and relax, but now, sitting across from spencer, you know you've found something else entirely - something you never want to let go of.

as you leave the store, you’re panicking slightly as you realise you don’t know what to do. so instead you make up an excuse.

“i forgot my keys ," you blurt out, looking back at the bookstore. it's a thin excuse, but spencer doesn't seem to notice. he simply nods, a hint of concern in his eyes.

"do you want me to wait for you?" he asks, already reaching for his phone to check the time.

"no, it's fine," you reply quickly. "you can go ahead. i’ll just be a minute."

spencer seems reluctant to leave, but he nods, offering a warm smile before stepping out onto the street. you watch him walk away, his figure blending into the crowd as he heads toward the main crossing. your heart sinks a little as he disappears from view, and you take a deep breath, trying to steady your racing pulse.

the bookstore feels different now. the warm glow and soft murmurs are still there, but without spencer, it's like the color has faded a bit. you stand by the door, uncertain of what to do next. you could go back outside, catch up with him, and just say it. tell him how you feel. but the words seem stuck in your throat, and the thought of laying your feelings bare feels like too much, too soon.

you step back inside, pretending to look for something you might have left behind. the stacks of books seem to stretch endlessly in front of you, a maze of comforting distractions. you wander through the aisles, hoping to calm your racing thoughts, but all you can think about is spencer - his smile, the way his eyes crinkle when he laughs, the warmth of his voice.

eventually, you find a quiet corner and sit down, closing your eyes for a moment. you know you have to do something. you can't just let him walk away without knowing how much he means to you. but the fear of rejection, of changing everything, feels overwhelming.

you realize you need time to sort through your feelings, to figure out the best way to approach this. with a heavy heart, you decide to make your way home, hoping the familiar surroundings will bring clarity. as you step out onto the street, the cool breeze brushes against your skin, and you take a deep breath, trying to calm the storm of emotions raging inside you.

on the journey home, you replay the moments with spencer in your mind, each one a bittersweet reminder of how much he means to you. you know you can't keep hiding your feelings, but you also know you need to approach this with caution. as you unlock the door to your apartment, you make a silent promise to yourself—to take the time you need, to listen to your heart, and to find the courage to follow where it leads, even if it means risking everything for him.

when you get home, spencer tries calling you as he paces around his bedroom, his phone pressed against his ear. the ringing continues, but there's no answer. he frowns, feeling an uneasy twist in his stomach. maybe you're still in the bookstore. maybe your phone is on silent, or maybe you're just busy. he tells himself there's a reasonable explanation, but the doubt lingers.

as he walks to his kitchen, he dials again. this time, the call goes straight to voicemail. his instincts tell him something isn't right. the keys excuse felt odd, and your hurried departure only amplifies his worry. he takes a moment to think, then leaves his apartment, jumps in his car, starts the engine, and drives toward your apartment.

the streets pass in a blur as he navigates through the evening traffic, his mind racing with possibilities. he finds a parking spot near your building and heads to your door. the hallway is quiet, save for the distant sound of a tv from a neighbouring apartment. he takes a deep breath and knocks.

nothing.

he knocks again, this time a little louder. the knot in his stomach tightens. what if something's wrong? what if he's too late? he knocks a third time, and this time, he hears a faint rustling from inside. the door opens slowly, and there you are, standing in the doorway with a look of surprise and confusion.

"spence?" you say, blinking at him as if he's the last person you expected to see.

"i - i was worried," he stammers, rubbing the back of his neck. "you didn't answer your phone, and i - i didn't know if you were okay."

you tilt your head, trying to process why he's here. his eyes search yours, and you can tell he's anxious, almost desperate to explain himself. "i'm fine," you say, "just had some stuff to think about."

he nods, but you can see he's not entirely convinced. there's something else, something deeper. he takes a step back, as if he's about to leave, but then he hesitates. "i - i have to tell you something," he blurts out, his words coming out in a rush. "i like you. like a lot. like i think i love you? and i know it might be weird, and i don't want to mess things up, but I just had to say it - because i couldn't keep it to myself anymore.”

he looks at you, his eyes full of emotions you can't quite decipher yet. you nod, urging him to continue, even though your own heart is racing. there's something in his gaze that makes you realize this isn't just any confession - this is something that's been building for a long time.

"i've liked you since we were kids," he says, almost breathlessly. "i mean, you were always the coolest person I knew. you didn't care what anyone else thought. you were smart and funny and just... so genuinely kind. i remember when we used to ride our bikes around the neighbourhood, and you'd always be the first one to try something new. like, remember when you climbed that huge tree in mr lawson's yard just because you wanted to see the view from the top? i thought you were so brave."

he chuckles softly, his gaze softening as he reminisces. "and then, when we got older, you were always there for me. when my parents split up, and i felt like everything was falling apart, you were the one who came over with a pizza and just listened. you didn't try to fix it; you just let me talk. that's something i've always loved about you. you're a great listener, and you care about people. like, really care."

he shifts his weight from one foot to the other, his eyes locking with yours. "it's not just that, though. It's the little things, too. the way you laugh at the dumbest of angela’s jokes, the way you get excited about your favorite books, and how you always know the right thing to say when I'm feeling down. you make everything feel... lighter, you know? like, even when things are tough, you find a way to make it better."

spencer pauses, his voice growing more earnest. "so yeah, i've um, been holding onto this for a while, and i just, couldn't keep pretending that i didn't feel this way. i like you - a lot. and i don't know if you feel the same way, but i just couldn't not tell you anymore."

he takes a step back, the tension in his shoulders indicating that he's prepared to leave if needed. "i don't want to make things weird between us. if you don't feel the same, that's okay. i just had to say it, because you're the best thing in my life, and i can't keep acting like you aren't."

his confession takes you by surprise, but as he speaks, you feel a surge of warmth in your chest. the words you were struggling to say are suddenly so clear, so obvious. you watch as he starts to turn away, his shoulders slumping in resignation. before he can take another step, you grab his arm and pull him back, your lips pressing against his in a gentle, yet desperate kiss.

he freezes for a moment, stunned by your sudden action, then his arms wrap around you, pulling you close. when you finally break the kiss, you look into his eyes, and there's no doubt, no hesitation.

"it's always been you," you whisper, your voice soft but sure. "you're my person, spencer."

he hugs you tightly, his grip firm and comforting, as if he's afraid you'll disappear if he lets go. you rest your head on his shoulder, feeling the steady beat of his heart against your cheek. it's a perfect moment, one that feels like the beginning of something new, something beautiful.

and as you stand there in each other's embrace, you know that everything's going to be okay, because you have each other. and that's all that matters.

[acebytaemin]

[end of an era]: closing #analook

first of all, i want to say thank you times five billion to everyone who’s ever tagged me in a post. it goes without saying that i have enjoyed every single one of them and will treasure this entire experience and all the beautiful creations i’ve gotten to see (and discuss in great lengths in the tags of course 🤭). now, that’s partly the reason why i feel like i should wrap it up - you all create such wonderful things and they all deserve my full attention and all the yapping i can muster yet sadly just don’t have the time to type up. it’s silly how much it’s meant to me (i might be tearing up a little) and how much i’m going to miss it, but i really do think it’s for the best. of course, feel free to @ me or send me any post of yours in the future - you know i’ll respond with enthusiasm. though it won’t come close to a gif/edit/artwork, i’ve typed up little thank-you notes to the main contributors to #analook as a token of my gratitude under the cut. love & appreciate you all SO so so so much! 💖

@atlantis-area - my dearest alexa, the reason i even started a user tag and got to experience all this, thank you The most 💖 hopefully you already know how grateful i am for you, so i won’t make it too long. it’s been a pleasure (and will continue to be) to watch your giffing style evolve and to get to be a fan of taemin alongside you. love you! 🩵

@herewegobebe - oh my darling ru where do i start 🥹 i’m soooo so thankful for your wonderful presence and your gifs (as ive already told you numerous times). you’ve been a real highlight of my tag (it’s still a bit of a starstruck moment for me to be your mutual/get tagged in your gifs tbh!) and it’s going to make me really really sad to potentially miss some of your gifs now but best believe i’ll be checking ur blog whenever i can 🙂‍↕️💖

@minhosblr - MAJA my number one gorgeous wino gif source i literally can’t believe you even tagged me in them to begin with i feel like it’s all been such a successful fan moment 🥹🐰🫶🏻 thank you so so much & ofc expect me all up in your tags regardless 😽💓

@kimsuyeon - my lili the absolute master of gifs with gorgeous quality and beautiful coloring and stunning women like you can truly do no wrong in my books anytime i see a gif of yours i get giddy and feel like cracking my knuckles and going IN in the tags. thank you soooo much for gracing me (and everyone else) w your gorgeous gifs 💝

@pink-vacancy - the way im going to miss yuna & mina served on a beautiful platter cannot be overstated.. thank you so much for adding a beautiful touch of cherry red spice to my tag 🙂‍↕️🍒💋 (and kinda beside the point but also for always being SO incredibly sweet & nice to me)

@faunandfloraas - jess my third favorite australian 🤭💕 your creativity and collecting moments/pulling parallels + funny tags have brought me very many giggles, thank you saaaaur much 😽💕

@chanrizard - sa thank you soooo much for my chan gif fixes 💖 and SORRY for all the stuff you’ve had to read in your tags and still tagging me regardless lmfaojfkdjdk you best believe you’ll keep on reading them as i’ll be a frequent visitor of your blog from now on 🫡

@rainknow - your art has been one my favorite things to find in my tag, thank you so so so much for using it! most wonderful capturing of lino i’ve ever seen, no one does his eyes justice like you do 😽💖 (pls if you ever feel like it and i don’t see a post of ur art mention me or send it to me - it’d be highly appreciated!)

@linoyes - thank you SO much for amping up the amount of linos in my tag, it’s been such a delight to see your giffing evolve and im excited to keep yapping in your tags in the future 🤭💞💞💞

@jonghyunluvr - your jjong/taemin posts are always so enjoyable, i love your insights and how you notice the same things as me sometimes hehe 🩵🩵 please do keep sending them to me by all means 😌

@shorelinnes - raf pleaseeee if you want to still send me or tag me in your art.. i’d be so sad to miss it and your gorgeous gifs too! im so very happy to have you around and i appreciate all the posts you’ve tagged me in so so much 💞

@strayklds - em i remember being nervoussss to ask you to tag me hdksjdk i think your gifs are so good and want to thank you Very much for tagging me in them! it’s really been a pleasure 🫶🏻

@briankang - TAY my minchan friend and my bangchan gifs supplier you best believe i’ll be checking your blog 🤭 thank you SO much for all you’ve tagged me in so far 💖 (still thinking abt your minchan ate teasers edits.. changed my life now idk if for the better or worse but. lives have been changed for sure)

@taeiltual - bex your gorgeous edits truly make me think that most of these companies truly need to do better, thank you so much for making everyone look more beautiful and tagging me along (hehe) for the ride! 💖

@ashmp3 @kissoflifes - thank you two SO much for using my tag as intended and for the highest purpose of all - in your gorgeous selfies! (& thank you zaynab for your beautiful gifs too ofc ofc) for sure still send them to me if i happen to miss them we Do Nottt want a tragedy like that to ever strike. love u my beautiful friends 💞💞

@28reas0ns - not directly related to my tag (though you did tag me in a couple of beautiful sets!) but just wanted to once again thank you for my header gif(s) i’ll really treasure them for a long time 💝

and a shoutout to everyone who’s tagged me in a few of their posts, thank you thank you thank you from the bottom of my heart! it’s really felt special every single time and i can’t thank you all enough for thinking of me and inviting me to yap in your tags like one would a vampire into their home. MWAH appreciate you all soooo so much 💖💖💖:

@reiiofsunn 💖 @drzephyr 💖 @hyunjinsource 💖 @minho-knows 💖 @speakofcompersion 💖@linolinoing 💖 @sunugf 💖

[jqmalikhsgib]

astrology

seven

aaron made it his mission to keep their weekend free. he wasn’t gonna let anything get in the way of his date with you. he even went as far as putting his cellphones on do not disturb. it’s something he hasn’t done since haley gave birth to jack.

you were also really excited. you’d went shopping for a new dress and maybe even spoiled yourself with a matching pair of shoes.

ever since aaron asked you out he’d been extra touchy. he’d make up some excuse to have you close or to simply hold your hand. you both agreed not to be too close when jacks around. you wanted the first date to go well before telling jack anything.

your date was tomorrow night. currently you’re on the phone with spencer. he’s been going on and on about a new docu-series he’s been watching. he gives his theories on who he thought the unsub was.

you simply laugh. he rarely watched tv. when he did it was some show or movie about a killer or serial killers he didn’t know anything about. he liked to see if he can guess who the killer is before they revealed it.

it’s why you never watched any documentaries with him. he’d always ruin it for you.

“why do you watch the show if you already know who the killer is with the little information you have. i bet it didn’t even take you fifteen minutes.”

“i just enjoy it, yn.”

“you’re literally a cop—”

“agent. actually a doctor.”

“right. my bad doctor spencer reid. what have you been up to besides that? read any good books lately?”

“actually yeah! i recommend slaughterhouse five.” spencer goes to tell you the details about book. meanwhile aaron comes into view. you smile at him as he wraps his arms around you. he sways you both back and forward.” you giggle. spencer thinks you’re laughing at what he’s saying and joins along.

aaron kisses the back of your neck gently. you try to shoo him away before he turns around. he turns you around and kissed you passionately.

every time he kisses you it feels like your breath is being taken away.

“so, what do you think? gonna give it a read?”

normally you never ignore spencer. but aaron make you feel all fuzzy. he truly made you feel like a dumb school girl.

“yeah, spence. could i call you back? im in the middle of making lunch for me and jack.”

“alright. love you.”

“love you too, bye.” you ended the call.

“aren’t you suppose to be at work?” you whisper.

“yeah. i have to head back. just wanted to see you on my lunch break. im so excited for tomorrow night.”

“speaking of. what did you tell jack?”

“i didn’t tell him much. just that his aunt jess was gonna take him to the zoo with his cousins. he’s excited.”

“yeah?”

“mhm. he’ll be gone the whole weekend.”

you blushed. having the whole weekend to yourself with aaron. you squeezed your legs together just from the thoughts. it’s been a while since you’ve had sex. you’re not the type to have one night stands. you have to have some connection with the person you’re sleeping with.

you know you have one with aaron. you’re just nervous you won’t be any good. you’ve only had about three partners in your life. aaron was a bit older than the guys you’ve dated in the past—not saying much, really. you’ve dated men at least ten years older than you by the time you hit your twenties—you didn’t wanna mess anything up.

aaron noticed the gears in your head spinning. he caresses your cheek gently. “honey, what’s going on? tell me?”

“im not very—experienced.”

aaron eyebrows furrowed. “what do you mean?”

“aaron. ive only been with so many people. i just—i don’t wanna mess anything up. i don’t wanna be bad.”

aaron smiles at you. “oh, honey. trust me when i say, whatever we do, you’ll be perfect because you’re you. you’re perfect, beautiful, caring, amazing, smart. you’re everything that ive ever wanted in a while. you’ll do just fine because i lov—”

aaron stops himself before he finished. he takes a deep breath before giving your lips a small peck. “because i love you.”

you’ve never smiled so big. you kissed him passionately. aaron was much taller than you are. he had to lean down just to kiss you. you stood on the tip of your toes and run your hands through his hair.

aaron groans in your mouth. when you finally pull apart you look him dead in the eyes. “i love you too, aar. more than you know.”

aaron smiles. “i should get back to work. ill see you tonight, okay?”

you hum.

“love you.”

“love you too. be safe, okay?”

aaron nods before heading out. you get back to making a sandwich for jack. throwing away the bread that was left out too long.

when jack gets home you make sure he gets his homework out. you hand him his sandwich and a little bag of chips.

“do you want apple juice or fruit punch?”

jack thinks before pointing to the fruit punch. “good choice!” you smile. you pour him a small cup before ruffling his head.

you sit beside him with your own sandwich. jack looks at his math homework with a frown. you look down. you grab the paper and hum.

it was an easy math question for you. but for an eight year old it’s a little bit difficult. you talk him through the problem. when he got the answer you smiled.

“see! you’re a genius.”

“just like uncle spence?”

“just like uncle spence.”

jack continues to finish his homework. once he was done with his sandwich you put both of your plates in the sink. you wash the dishes. once finished you hear your phone ring. frowning when you see your mom calling.

you haven’t heard from her in a while. the last conversation you had with your mom didn’t end well. she had yelled at you when you told her you’re moving to virginia. she didn’t understand why you wouldn’t move back home. when you explained that you wanted to be closer to spencer she simply asked why. she yelled and said that he’s not your family.

that angered you. you told her that spencer was the only person that was there for you when you decided to take your art seriously.

you ended the call when she called your art a ‘silly little hobby that wasn’t good enough to be displayed for the world to see.’

that hurt you more than anything she’s ever said to you. your father tried to apologize on her behalf. he was a bit more level headed and forgiving than your mother. he still thought you needed to go to college. gain some degree and have a decent career. but he still allowed you to enjoy this journey you’re on.

you declined the call.

“im finished with my homework, yn. may i go play in the yard?”

“yes. just be careful, okay? and no sneaking off.”

“i won’t. will you be coming out too?”

“in just a second. i promise.” he nods his head as he heads outside. your phone rings once more. this time it’s your father calling. you knew he’d just pass the phone to your mom.

you declined the call once more. you walked outside and smile at jack. he was kicking his soccer ball back and forward. when he made a goal you clapped.

“go jack!”

jack smiles. your phone rings once more. you groan before finally answering.

“yes?”

“you haven’t called me in a while. i was worried about you.”

“im fine mom.”

“how’s virginia?”

“it’s great.”

“did you find a place?”

“i have.”

“where are you staying? please tell me it’s a nice neighborhood at least?!”

“it’s nice. what is it you need mom?”

their was silence over the phone. you were already over the conversation. you didn’t have time for another lecture. your mother wasn’t gonna ruin your good mood. you’re way too happy to have her tear that apart.

“i just—i miss you, baby. im sorry i hurt you, okay? i think your art is beautiful. i just—i wished you had a back up plan. you’re so smart, baby. i just don’t want you to look back ten years from now and regret not going to college sooner.”

“i won’t mom. i love what i do. i have sold my art for good money plenty of time and i still do now. i just wished you believed in me as much of others do.”

“i do. im sorry.”

“it’s okay. how’s dad?”

“he’s a workaholic. been busy on this big bus! i tell him he’s too old and need to relax. he doesn’t listen.”

“you know how he is. other than that is he doing well. health wise?”

“great bill of health. whatever you do baby, don’t fall in love with law enforcement.”

your heart skipped at beat at that. you wanted to tell her it was too late. you’d already fell for an fbi agent.

but you also didn’t need her meddling anymore into your life. you knew once she found out you’re seeing someone she’s gonna wanna know absolutely everything about him. and knowing your mom, she wouldn’t approve of aaron.

not only because he’s older, but because he’s a single dad who has an risky job. riskier than your father. she’d immediately tell you that you’re making a mistake. you didn’t need her input! you loved aaron. you also loved the sweet adorable little boy who was now running towards you.

“listen mom, im at work. i should get back. ill call you soon. love you. bye.” you ended the phone call before she could get another word out. your focus now back on jack.

“you thirsty, buddy?”

jack cuddles up to you and gently nods his head. “alright! let’s head inside.”

aaron arrived home a few hours later. jack had already fallen asleep. he was too excited for tomorrow. he knew his aunt was picking him up in the morning.

he kept telling you how much he wanted to see the tigers and the giraffes. you kept smiling at how adorable he looked.

“hi, honey? did i miss bed time?” aaron lies next to you on the couch. you’d been enjoying some down time. watching the docu-series spencer discussed with you earlier that day.

“yeah. he tired himself out. played a little bit of soccer in the backyard.”

aaron rest his head on your lap. you run your fingers through his hair. “how was work?” you asked.

“a lot of consulting on cases and a whole lot more paperwork.” he explained. he frowns when he sees what you’re watching. “you shouldn’t watch this, sweetie.”

he sees things like this on a daily. he wanted to steer it away from you and jack as much as possible. you didn’t need to see the horrors of the world. you’re too precious for that.

you simply giggle. aaron knowing you grew up around crime scenes since the moment you were born. not only your father being a detective. but your mom was a prosecutor. you’ve seen it firsthand.

you can go back to the photos your father brought home. seeing the crime scenes.

“it’s alright aaron. ive seen far worse! once my dad brought home a case of a serial killer in our area. id peak at the scene photos when he wasn’t looking. very disturbing.”

aaron frown deepens. “how old were you?”

“maybe twelve? i don’t remember much. just knew this case affected him the most. i think it’s cause the man killed a little girl. she was a bit younger than i was.” you shake your head at the thought.

“im sorry you had to see that. your eyes are made to see beauty. not slaughter.”

your heart almost burst. you kiss him gently.

“excited for tomorrow?” you whispered.

“definitely! are you?”

“a bit nervous. but im super excited! where are you taking me?”

aaron smirks. “i should get to bed. gotta get up early tomorrow to run a few errands.”

aaron gets up and heads upstairs.

“aaron?!”

“goodnight, honey. sweet dreams.”

[lesbianphan]

im sorry about your shift :( if its not too much, would you care to share what fic(s) you're reading? ive been meaning to jump back into phanfic but its been so long, idk where to look

Sup anon! Sorry for taking a bit to reply to this, BUT in my defense I peruse the @phanfictioncatalogue like it's the newspaper whenever I have free time, so I read so much fic (kinda stopped reading books whoops bad). Anyway, here are some fics I read recently and really recommend!

Easy for you to say by phantasticworks - Phil tries to convince Dan to throw away the grey shirt. Dan can’t do it.

And the days after that by cityofphanchester - He can hear Dan’s voice coming down the hall, laughing with someone from the crew, and it makes his breath stop in his chest. (doomed tour usa, autumn 2022)

Your love is my drug by @antiadvil - Phil wakes up with a migraine.

Kissing gif by @calvinahobbes - Meeting Dan is the luckiest he’s ever been. Having him here, on his bed, is a dream come true whether it looks like a sexy Internet gif or not. (A pinof tag about expectations and reality.)

I know you, hands under my sweatshirt by midorijpg - something something about having bad days and growing up and realizing you don't (completely) fit in couches anymore.

Collision by TortiTabby - A day full of arguing and disagreements on tour gets turned on it's head when an incident puts things in perspective.

Some more recs that come with TWs please be careful:

(TW) Filling the void by Merrydith - For Dan Howell, it was almost too easy. Once in a while became every week, which became every few days. And now, this was the fourth person he’d brought home that week and it was only Friday. What happens when Phil suggests Dan takes it easy?

(TW) In eternity I choose you by lovestillaround - Dan starts having unusual dreams, and they all seem to have a common denominator (my god pls more people read this one, it made me INSANE I wish it was a full book it's so interesting)

(TW) Sacrifice painted in red from our hearts) by lesbianphan (yep reccing myself) - a.k.a the dark and raw 'DanandPhilCRAFTS - Slime' fic I was always meant to write.

[spectrum-core]

STEPHCLAIR IS BAD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD

Alternative title: a very angry (and tired) Full Stop fan's thesis.

ok, so me being the stephan/sinclair comparison's strongest hater is a bit i really like to lean into, but for the sake of keeping things semi-serious i will try to keep the actual essay content as free of me ranting my frustrations as humanly possible (which i mean commitement to the bit aside this will be hard bc it is frustrating to see people calling them both the same character, at best it shows a very surface level understanding of either character and at worst it shows just reducing them to cookie cutter meme fandom archetypes neither character actually fits into, so bear with me if i slip up and make unserious comments from time to time)

so before i start the actual essay let me say this: this essay doesnt even scratch the surface of how much i hate this comparison you guys cant even possibly fucking imagine ive been obssessed and i mean OBSSESSED with the full stop office since 2021 and im glad i wasnt in the limbus prerelease fanbase because if i had to see people comparing my beautiful boy and beloved best friend to a guy we had no info about other than "hes based of the guy from demian" i would have turned into the joker this is not even about saving my own mental health this is about sparing the entire pjm fandom of the monster i would have turned into

spoilers for ruina and limbus, universe terminology heavy and surface level references and interpretations of demian by herman hesse because imma keep it real with you guys the first and only time i read that book i was still in high school and i barely remember shit.

Table of contents:

Stephan - a summary

Sinclair - a summary 2.1. Emil Sinclair in Demian (1919) 2.2. Emil Sinclair in Limbus Company (2023)

Addressing common arguments

1.- Stephan - a summary

And of course I will start with Stephan, because I love him very much, just like Liwei he's one of my favorite pjm characters (yeah i like him more than your favorite popular character don't ask) so it's not surprising that i have A Lot to say about him, right?

And of course, I do.

As I said in the serrated duo post, a core part of my perception of the Full Stop office depends on the fact that they are poor. Mentions of money are common all across many factions in the game, yes, but the Full Stops are extremely constant about money, how taking a wrong turn means losing more than they can afford, how they can't afford to drop their weapons because they were too expensive, how even getting the permissions to be able to buy and wield these weapons was ridiculously expensive and so on. Of course, Stephan is the one talking about this the most (something I will elaborate on later), but Liwei and Tamaki also make a few ocassional mentions to it in their dialogue and keypages and considering this is a shared business it just makes sense that this is something that affects all of them.

These are just some few of the callbacks to money that Stephan alone does in his dialogue, without focusing in keypage text or what Liwei and Tamaki have to say about it.

And idk man, at least to me the difference between social classes is an important aspect for their characterization, specially because of how constant the concern with money is for Stephan. From this point alone comparing them feels like erasing a core aspect of Stephan's characterization, a lot about Stephan (and the Full Stop office as a whole, let's be real here) starts making more sense once you read the office as lower-middle class (and I'm saying lower middle class because they can afford some place to live and their weapons, but to me these guys are the types who precisely because of their need to keep bullets at all times can't pay for water or electricity all the time and sometimes they simply can't afford food or if they do they can spend a week straight eating nothing but unsalted pasta).

Now, going back to Stephan being the most outward about his complaints with money, he is in general the most outward about all problems the office is facing, to the point in which he doesn't mind inconveniencing everyone else with his rants, being one of the few guests who interrupt Angela's introductory speech and getting into Tamaki's nerves (something he's well aware he's doing, as these two know each other) at least two times through the course of their pre-battle cutscene, even Roland comments after the reception on how he wishes he would always have been as open about his problems as Stephan was.

However, it's worth nothing that he doesn't spend the entire cutscene crying about his miseries, and he only starts losing hope at three key moments: when they can't kill Eileen inmediately (making them waste more bullets than needed), when Argalia shows up (forcing them to retreat and making them fail their mission, meaning they won't get paid for this after they already lost a ton of money, as well as turning the situation into something much more dangerous than what they had signed up for) and once they enter the Library (an Urban Plague grade threat they have little to no information about, when him and Tamaki are almost out of bullets so Liwei is essentially the only fixer with some chance of putting up a fight and, you know, making it out alive).

Now, while it's true that Stephan is someone who dislikes danger, he isn't someone who isn't used to seeing gruesome events, his instinctive reaction to seeing a guy getting his head put into a meat grinder was cracking jokes and calling the concept of thought gears "a load of horseshit", which is something that falls in line with him being a somewhat experienced Fixer (sure, grade 5 isn't amazing but we can assume it's still either in the higher side of average or barely above average, and for someone specialized in firearms, which are far from the best weapon in the city, getting that high means he must have some experience and skill, right? more so considering he's been at this for 5 years at most) who has seen a fair share of horrid shit and can be unfazed by (most of) it as long as his own safety isn't on the line.

Another point is... he dislikes danger and is always wary about money and expenses, to the point in which he enjoys checking his bank account (or at least he believes so, if we go for the theory of the artbook profiles being more a mix of what the characters perceive themseves as/would describe themselves as to others, which is a theory i go by, I see him as someone who's convinced he does that for fun instead as out of desperation), but this seems to be more a generalized feeling of impending doom at everything rather than something that can be traced back to a particular traumatic event (anything can be dangerous, anything can cost him money), dude's from the backstreets after all, he's seen shit and he's used to assuming the worst. How I see Stephan, he's a guy who already expects bad things to happen but once things go wrong he starts freaking out about how this time They're Screwed For Real, but he never really tricks himself into believing "maybe things will turn out just fine this time?" or who thinks "well, we've done this before, surely we can handle it again."

This is not very related to Stephan as a character in terms of personality but I think it's still an important point to make as it is particularly related to body mods, his physical condition and his body shape.

So we can easily say that Stephan is a strong dude, at least if compared to real world standards without the fancy and insane body mods we see people in the city have access to. He carries that huge rifle around with his bare hands, something that Tamaki doesn't do and that not even Stephan himself in earlier iterations of his dessign did, and his main talent (which based of my theories is something that can be assumed as "something he's proud enough of to consider it the thing he does best") is physical labor.

Pictured, Tamaki's talksprite, carrying a rifle almost as long as she is tall with a strap supporting the weight on her shoulders, like a normal person.

Also pictured, an earlier iteration of Stephan's dessign, carrying the same rifle his current version does, but also holding it with the help of a similar strap supporting the weight on his shoulders.

And finally, Stephan's current dessign, holding that shit with his bare fucking hands in an exhibition of his brute animal strength, what the fuck is wrong with this man (affectionate)

And Stephan's artbook profile, the important part here is his speciality being physical labor, not only he's strong but he aknowledges this.

However, I made a point about the Full Stop office being poor, right? Even Roland says that "giving a whole office augmentation procedures is cheaper than keeping a decent supply of bullets in stock" (not the exact phrasing).

At least personally, I see this as Roland essentially saying "it would be cheaper (and more efficient) to get body mods for everyone in the office and buy another (cheaper) type of weaponry instead", but as things stand, the Full Stops can afford to either buy more ammunition and maintain their weapons, OR to get body mods, and since their whole deal is firearms... well, they can't really Stop investing in them, meaning they have no body mods At All and they got their grades purely out of their own physical strength.

Similarly, Stephan makes a similar point about how body augmentations are required for people to be able to run while carrying their weapons around (specifically talking about the rifles he and Tamaki use).

And... you know, the whole point is that they couldn't run carrying their weapons because they were too heavy, Argalia mocked them for that, Liwei urged them to drop their weapons, something they refused to do because of the prices.

Lastly on this point, while it's true that Ruina talksprites have a very bad case of Long Anime Legs (to the point in which how Roland's legs take about 2/3 of his height is a common joke), if we focus only on his head and torso, Stephan looks pretty Wide, and not only because he's wearing thick, fluffy and multilayered clothing, as other characters wearing similar clothing styles still look thinner than him.

This is all to say: I don't think this guy is a twink, or thin at all. He's a prime example of the strongman build to me and this is yet another hill I'm willing to die on watch project moon turn him into a beanpole once he inevitably shows up in limbus and me turning into the first real world distortion as a consequence.

Finally, Stephan is very notoriously the most informal member of the office, not only being the only one who doesn't wear any sort of formal clothing fully prioritizing comfort and practicality over looks but also completely disregarding formalities with his attitude at work (again, he interrupts Angela's introductory monologue, and again, his first two lines when being introduced are him cracking jokes), being the only member of the office to swear on screen and using several informal expressions and metaphors through both the reception dialogue and his keypage story.

And for good measure, he's a compilation of Stephan being the creature he is.

The literal introduction of the characters, also known as the moment in which Stephan became one of my favorite characters because he's Just Like Me Fr

Very normal behavior for someone who hates blood and violence and isn't used to seeing it. This man is more than capable (and willing, assuming money is involved) to murder kill.

Which, I mean, this attitude is very different from what we see from Sinclair.

2.- Sinclair, a summary

In retrospect I probably should have made this one first because I'm gonna be honest with you, Sinclair is one of the sinners I care about the least (I still like him and think he's pretty cool mind you I just don't vibe too much with most of the tropes making up the character) so what I have to say about him is less me grasping for straws and subtext because I don't care enough about him to be bothered with a super serious and in depth analysis like I did with Stephan and more things we can explicitly see about him in game and things that happen in the novel Demian.

And if I can have a small parenthesis here, people saying that one of my favorite pjm guys Ever is in any way similar to a guy who despite being pretty cool is just Not the type of character I fully vibe with... really, it gets annoying fast. Anyway back to the serious analysis now.

2.1- Emil Sinclair in Demian (1919)

To be able to understand Sinclair as he is depicted in Limbus Company, it is important to first be familiar with the source material of the original iteration of the character, that's it we're doing your high school homework by compiling several literary analysis of a symbolic psychological early 20th century autobiographical novel i hope you guys signed up for this (and if you didn't, though luck! i will do this anyway, I love literary analysis).

In the novel, young Emil finds himself torn between the worlds of light (which can be equated to the Garden of Eden, but it's more tangible meaning for our protagonist is his childhood home and family, a serene and well structure/organized space where he can be innocent, untainted by the evils of the outside world) and darkness (basically all the scary shit that goes on outside, where people do evil things for the sake of it), he finds himself tempted by the violence of the outside world, particularly through the actions of his classmate Franz Kromer, which eventually leads him to consider that due to being exposed to this tainted world of evil he no longer can return to the world of good and innocence.

Here, the character of Demian acts as a guide, someone who helps Sinclair to trascend this binary perception of good vs evil and to see himself as someone worthy of happiness because him witnessing the world of evil didn't taint him as a person but rather merely showed him another face of the world, Demian here mentions the Mark of Cain as a symbol of mental strenght and freedom, considering that bearers of this mark are capable of making their own choices and should be able to go beyond their assigned roles, being able to embody aspects of both worlds. This is to say that Demian's view is less focused on good vs evil, instead taking a more order vs chaos approach (without giving an explicit moral character to either).

In the book, the symbol of a bird breaking out of the egg is frequently used to represent Emil's personal growth, the egg represents safety and innocence, but a bird must eventually leave the egg or it will die, and getting out of the egg is a process than can be seen as violent, as a bird must fight to get out of the egg, and getting out of the egg represents birth but also an irreversible change, it can be seen as breaking out of the world of light and getting permanently in the world of darkness since a broken shell can't be fixed, but it can also mean achieving the enlightment and personal balance to not feel permanently bound to a condition, place or state of being and therefore growing as a person by learning to see himself as a whole human instead of supressing his "evil side" by only forcing the "good side" to surface.

Max Demian is here to show this second meaning of growth/self improvement (while also explaining that Sinclair is permamently growing and must always keep this balance between all the parts conforming the whole being that is himself rather that trying to make parts of himself antagonize each other). This idea of personal growth being one of the core themes of the book.

2.2- Emil Sinclair in Limbus Company (2023)

With Sinclair's source media analyzed (at a very surface level, mind you), we now can start talking about the depiction of Sinclair in Limbus Company, how it parallels the book, why the book symbolism is important for this instance of Sinclair and so on.

When we are first introduced to Sinclair in the game he's clearly nervous, he doesn't know what he's supposed to do as he hasn't worked for a similar company before and he isn't used to the gruesome sight of the bus eating people, this does fit inmediately in the motif of a naive person with limited experience about the world (well, to be fair to him most people won't be seeing man-eating buses at a regular basis, but the average backstreets dweller would be familiar with equally violent situations).

With this said, despite Sinclair's obviously nervous behavior... he isn't really a pessimist like Stephan was, in fact, almost every chapter (counting cantos, intervallos and the short mini chapters such as the Dante's notes update episode) have at least one key moment with him trying to rationalize horrible stuff as something much less violent, or simply going "but I thought this thing didn't work like this..." when confronted with the more horrible realities in the city. He thought the G corp veterans were really going to let them pass without a fight, he thought the people being controlled by headhens were just actors wearing mascot costumes, he thought mermaids were the beautiful half-woman half-fish creatures he heard about in fairy tales, and there's more examples but I don't really feel like looking for The Entire Fucking Plot Because This Guy Is An Actual Protagonist Instead Of A Background Guy Like Stephan Was to make my point clearer than it already is. And it's only when he realizes that the real world doesn't fit his expectations that he panics.

Well, there is one exception to this pattern: his own canto. Here, he panics inmediately as soon as K corp's nest is mentioned and spends the first half of the chapter pleading to turn back while saying that they are going to get killed. So what is different here with the rest of the plot?

Obviously, the fact that is related to his very own very personal very specific trauma. That is to say, unlike Stephan who is wary of anything that can put him on danger or cost him more money than it should, Sinclair has a very specific traumatic event that makes him act Like That (sure, he gets scared and nervous outside that, but these are more normal "I'm unfamiliar with this and I don't fully know how to react, this is normal behavior in a human being" reactions than outright "I am Actually Terrified due to being reminded of an actual traumatic event, this reaction is a textbook definition of post-traumatic stress disorder").

HOWEVER, Sinclair being someone who's deeply traumatized and kind of a scaredy cat when it comes to violence and unfamiliar situations... it doesn't mean that he's incompetent or a bad fighter. Almost all of his identities are terrifyingly good fighters (at least in their lore), Los Mariachis fear jefe Sinclair, Cinq director Sinclair is someone most association members are terrified to duel even during training, Blade Lineage Sinclair is considered a talented killer (it's also worth noting that save maybe for the mariachi one, in none of these mirror worlds Sinclair is precisely happy of being recognized as "the guy who's very scary when he fights people", unlike Stephan who I don't think he particularly likes killing but has a more "as long as I get paid..." mentality about it), the only "not very good at this" Sinclair id I can think of is the molar boatworks id where he's more a mechanic than a fighter so he fears he's lagging behind in that aspect. Hell, even the Canon Timeline so to speak (which is to say: his base identity) has him carrying that huge halberd, going on a frenzy attacking some already mutilated inquisitor's corpse, piercing through Guido's armor and dealing a fatal blow that finally killed him for real. To compare, Stephan is good at physical work, but we don't know about his close combat capacities other than the fact that he dislikes it, for Sinclair however we know he's terrifyingly good at physical combat.

Now, I've seen a lot of people call Sinclair a twink and while it's one of these words that nobody agrees on what it means, let's give it the benefit of doubt and say "alright, for the duration of this analysis let's settle on a twink being a young looking (regardless of actual age), thin man with almost no facial/body hair".

Since Sinclair is a rich guy (not just Any Rich Guy though, we're talking of someone whose family had ties to a Wing, probably not some elite guy like Daniel or Hong Lu, but not a self perceived "mediocre" nest dweller like Samjo either), and pressumably not very experienced in combat in most mirror worlds (we know he has no prior experience in the base one where he joined Limbus, at least), let's say that he has enough body mods for him to be much stronger than he looks like despite being thin, he does look thin and young and much to my dissapointment he also has no facial hair, so yeah, under this very broad definition of the term he is a twink.

However if you start adding personality archetypes to the definition he stops being one almost inmediately, as we've been shown time after time that his "submissive" attitude is mostly a result of him not knowing too well how to impose himself and just going along with what the rest say or do, but he's starting to grow tired of that ever since Hell's Chicken (even if he clearly still isn't great at that), as it should be more than obvious for anyone who even just googled "demian herman hesse literary analysis", Sinclair is undergoing a lot of changes even now, and the game is doing a good job at portraying that.

Honestly I also think he'd be hotter with a sleeper build but really, I don't care enough about him to argue about that.

And for the last point, precisely due to his upbringing as a rich guy AND his traumatic experience with Kromer, Sinclair is not only a very polite and mild mannered guy (again, unlike resident creature Stephan), but also he tries to take as little space as possible, both literally and metaphorically, as Dante notices near the end of canto 3 when they finally comment on how Sinclair never talks about his own problems until it's too late because he doesn't want to bother the others as they probably have it worse (again, unlike Stephan "i don't mind loweing team morale and making everyone in the room uncomfortable as long as i get to vent" Full Stop office).

3.- Adressing common arguments

Alright, now that I talked about each character, let's see some of the most common arguments I've seen people use to compare them.

"They look the same!" No, they don't. The only thing they have in common is being blonde but even their hairstyles are different with Sinclair having a simple bowl-ish cut with slightly wavy hair and Stephan having curlier hair (not to mention the whole point I made about body types because I'm the sort of lunatic who cares about that stuff). I won't even bother with this argument.

"They have the same personalities!" Again, they don't. Stephan is very cynical with a lot of his attitude being clearly derivated from him coming from a poor background and having stayed there his whole life, he also doesn't care about his cynism getting in the way and bothering everyone else. On the other hand, Sinclair is someone who could almost be described as naive due to having lived a sheltered childhood and only having his experiences with Kromer and his time at Limbus as moments of realizing that the rest of the world is Not Like His Childhood House, still believing that the world is a binary of good vs evil and expecting things to turn out fine or be much better than they actually are, just to be hit with the reality of the city Not being a nice place where people are nice and polite and not trying to kill him, this is not to say he doesn't have his own issues but even Dante notices during his Canto that Sinclair makes a point to avoid bothering everyone else with his personal problems, keeping them to himself even if that makes things worse on the long run.

"Both are opposed and harmed by a lunatic!" This is an argument I've seen a lot and is incredibly filmsy at best, half of the city's population are lunatics and the other half are people who got opposed by them some way or another. Will you say that Ishmael and the rest of the Pequod crew can be compared to the Full Stop office (or really, even mention the other Full Stop fixers instead of just focusing on Stephan because he happens to be blonde and can be compared to Sinclair) because of their situations with Ahab? Or the W Corp crew who got their train targetted by Jae-heon and Elena (or, you know, the train passengers who were turned into Love townspeople or puppets)? What about the Vermillion Cross who got killed by the Reverb Ensemble? Or the Cane office fixers? or the Zwei association section 6 who got beaten to death by Gyeong-mi just because he felt like doing so? Or the Liu association section 1 who had to deal with Argalia taking Philip away? Or the Kurokumo clan members when they were attacked by Tanya? You aren't comparing them to either Stephan or Sinclair, right? Not to mention that in her weird and fucked up perception of things, Kromer was less opposed to Sinclair as she was trying to lead him to join her and her cause, even the last things she says before getting killed are her calling him to follow her.

"Both are compared to birds!" Oh, right, because I forgot that a very directed symbolic comparison to a baby bird breaking out of it's shell as a symbol of rebirth, learning about the nuances of the world and self improvement/liberation that is consistently used in the source material Sinclair comes from is exactly the same as one (1) throwaway line the big bad guy uses to mock not only Stephan but the whole Full Stop gang, right. And if you want to say "but Tamaki compares him to a bird once too", yeah she calls him a parrot because he keeps repeating the same complaints over and over, it's still not the same as a consistent metaphor.

"Both are sad blonde twinks! They're essentially the same guy." Sad? Yeah, everyone in the city is sad but their ways to be sad are polar opposites, and neither of them is the pure cinnamon roll uwu crybaby archetype people tend to lump both into, Stephan was merely having a bad day and people decided to make that his whole personality (when honestly we get more insight on his actual personality before Argalia shows up, when he's making sarcastic remarks and getting impatient because they weren't starting killing people fast enough) but he's still perfectly capable (and willing) to murder people, and Sinclair is just... someone who lacks experience about the real world and how it works and has a tendency to get nervous because of this, but he can adapt quickly to situations once he understands them. Blonde? Yeah, but I guess if that's a point to draw a comparison then we should also compare them to Don Quixote, the Tiphereths, Lenny, Yun, Lulu, Olga, every single npc, librarian, and agent who comes with blonde hair from the generator... Twinks? Stephan absolutely isn't one, Sinclair depends on how you define twink as nobody seems to get to an agreement with that, if you define it as merely "young looking thin man with almost no visible body hair" then yeah he is one, but if you go for any more specific definition than that he stops fitting into the definition almost instantly.

In conclusion: if I see anyone else comparing them I'll start blocking people liberally bc I'm sick of seeing that shit (I do that already tbh but just so you know), now scram

[sleepy-vix]

journal/braindump 26/3/24

i hope life gets better soon. school is so miserable and weird and i just constantly feel like my physical shape is blurred and i'm but a a faceless entity drifting through the crowded and sweaty halls. when i speak to people it feels like i have to physically force myself to and i'm always so conscious of the fact that i would really love it if i were alone and not speaking to anybody at all.

i don't feel confident in myself and i feel like this year has passed by way too fast and i feel like just attempting to live feels like a bunch of cold sand is piled in my hands, and like sand does, it slips easily through my fingers and all i can do is watch. i feel so stupid and so naive all the damn time

for a while i had believed that everything would be okay, and then for a while after that i believed that i should kill myself. i'm okay now, i still feel very unsettled and it's like i'm not really me but i feel fine enough to function and i feel fine enough to live and wish to keep on living

i wish to keep on living

tomorrow i will wake up early and i will make myself coffee and i will sit down and read (i've had reading block for 2 days- which seems short but its annoying for me bc i really really want to read but i feel too restless and distracted to). i'll try to be nice to myself and protect my peace really hard and go on walks or something

i find that watching youtube videos where people just sit and talk, or rearrange their house and books, is really calming to me. i can't wait to just sit in front of the tv with a cup of matcha and a box of chocolates and just watching people talk, or watch all the movies ive been meaning to watch for sooo long

autumn is rolling around, and i'm infinitely greatful that it is because i always feel so inspired during this season. autumn makes me want to read, it makes me want to watch more films and eat more food and drink warm drinks that make me feel okay inside.

i also hope to pick up journalling again, but i'm not sure if i will because i don't have my own printer for images and idk what to journal but i have recently tried to just draw pictures- ive recently written journal pages on what i want to read, and also an "about me" page, and hand drew pictures. it's nice, but it doesn't give the same effect as full out journalling (with stickers, images, tape, etc... sigh.). i hope i journal more this holiday nonetheless.

i also hope to read without feeling so much pressure. i usually have no problem with reading whatever i want to read, as i like to think of myself as somebody who isnt easily influenced by other people's views (eg. if someone told me i have to read a certain book, i will consider it but i wont read it unless i want to) , but lately i've been thinking of all the books i want to read this holiday (for me i have autumn break in one week- and autumn break lasts for 2 weeks) and as u can imagine, it is very stressful bc ive somehow fallen into the mindset that i must read ALL of those books before next term or else.

fyi the books comprise of

- the complete collection of jane austen

- the complete collection of sherlock holmes

- the poppy war

- the iliad

- hamlet

- the metamorphosis

soo yeah... especially the first two points are stressing me out haha... im starting the poppy war now but im a little nervous bc ppl keep saying that its VERY gory??? and i usually dont care abt such things but lately my nerves and emotions have been such a wreck that i dont trust myself to read it in a calm manner

i'll try to break free of this toxic reader mindset tho! it would be nice if i could talk to people abt books, so it feels like im engaging with my hobby while not actually having to do the hobby, but nobody ik irl will want to talk abt books as i do

MAN i so badly want to rant abt booktok (ok actually i wont expand on this bc its a very sore point for me in the sense that i might get worked up over it and then feel shit afterwards for displaying sm emotion)

anywaysss next topic

ummm i get my maths result back on thursday and im so fucking scared bc i know i messed up bad for a few questions but im not sure if it was enough to drop me down to a b... idk i REALLY REALLY WANT AN A. like istg my whole self esteem for until the next exams roll around is goijg to be based off my maths result.. fuck im so emotionally immature its laughable

ummm also i have literature class tmr and i love lit class but we have to watch fucking "shes the man" and im sorry but i hate that movie so so much (ive never watched it before but we watched half of it last lesson and it was soo annoying). ughh why is my eng teacher making us watch this 😭😭

also my eng teacher is very blunt and therefore very interesting to talk to so ive been wanting to ask him abt books hes read lately but i CANT bc we have to watch thats tupid fucking movie and also he has to mark papers :( but also like hes the only intellectually stimulating person ik irl so what am i meant to do with all of my buzzing book thoughts ughh (rhetorical question. pls dont answer) :(

hmm what else is there to say

oh yeah last night i had a dream tjat i got a B+ for english and that was... it was like a nightmare im not even kidding. it was such a vivid dream too- everybody else got an A meanwhile i got a B+ (very close to an A) and i was just absolutely shocked and i desperately begged my teacher to give me some extra credit work so i can bump it up to an A-... yeah...

oh but also back to me wanting to have a better life- i think i'll take myself to the thrift more and go out with my friend (yes, singular. theres only one friend that i like hanging out with outside of school 💀) atleast once this holiday... thats what teen girls my age do, right??? haha...

also i want to watch ladybird and the perks of being a wallflower and rewatch little women and dead poets society !

i also might reread solitaire but aghh that makes me stressed out abt reading again... fuck. maybe i should just take a break from reading omfg

i cant wait to wake up early tomorrow and drink coffee though! :)

also i will make more spotify playlists (it makes me rlly happy to) and MAYBE even try cooking????????????? man idfk im desperate okay? feeling suicidal is not fun and i dont want to feel like that again this year. i cant afford thay bc im meant to be an academic weapon :( (lol who am i kidding? im more like an academic victim)

also maybe i will just text my friends more in general. it stresses me out and makes me feel icky but the other day, i had a nice and fun and lighthearted texting convo with one of my class friends and it made me realise that i should probably text people more ...

lol

anyways i think thats all? i think ive gotten everything off my chest for now. i liked doing this actually. maybe i'll do it more often idk 💀💀

hope u guys have a good day 🙏 i dont actually expect anyone to read this but if you did, i hope you have a good day TIMES TWO!

no refunds :}

[bleedingichorhearts]

𝕬𝖚𝖗𝖎𝖋𝖊𝖗𝖔𝖚𝖘 IV

𝕬𝖚𝖙𝖍𝖔𝖗: The Custodes just watching the cat get more attention than him.

𝕿𝖆𝖌𝖌𝖊𝖉: @kit-williams , @egrets-not-regrets.

𝕬𝖚𝖗𝖎𝖋𝖊𝖗𝖔𝖚𝖘 V

TW // Stalking.

Sitting outside in Marie’s backyard. I tested my shoulder out, taking it out of the cast, and moved my arms slowly around in circles. My nose scrunching up in the sting of soreness. Heating up my shoulder every time I moved my arm upwards. I even had to wait a few seconds to continue and fully complete the rotation.

If only that damned ceiling didn’t crumble beneath my feet, I wouldn’t have fallen on that rusty, steel pole. I wouldn’t be having this problem either.

That Journalist can have a bad day too for making me throw him around while wounded, but he also took an ungodly amount of pictures of me from when I crossed a road to end up in Marie’s backyard. No doubt, going to try and publish that somewhere for some big money for whatever “my story” is worth.

“It looks like you’re doing better.” The wobbly voice of Marie observed, an orange cat meowing at her feet.

Turing my head to look at her. She had a cup of tea in her hand, occasionally taking sips out of it. The smell of dried fruit wafting from the cup. Another tea that I recognized as hibiscus tea.

I bowed my head to her in a ‘good morning,’ relaxing my shoulder for a moment. Picking up my own drink with my other arm from the small, circular glass table off to my side that was full of tiny, potted plants.

“If you like, I would need some help repotting some plants.” Marie offered a daily task, taking another sip from her tea cup. The cat jumping up onto my lap.

I nodded again, sipping my own drink, taking that task because it would mean free cookies. Most of the time anyway. If she didn’t make cookies, or any desert she baked, I was repaying her kindness with anything she needed to get done for the day. Which wasn’t much, honestly.

The daily things she mostly does is tend to her hoard of cats, and her jungle rooms of plants. Both feeding them, and giving them water. Then she goes and puts a tea kettle on the stove so she could have her morning tea.

Her afternoons consisted of a lunch break, and a well deserved nap with the cats in the sunroom with some more tea afterwards, and her nights are tame as she usually just watches an old black, and white film, or reads her old books.

It’s been what? Only three days, and I already know what her daily routine is.

“Hello there, Miss. Garner!” An older man yelled out a greeting. Looking over he had to be in his 60s? 70s? Brown, frizzled hair turning gray with a big, nicely trimmed beard. He was on the more heavyset side of a man with an oval body shape, his body leaning over the white fence Marie had put up to keep the neighbors, and critters out of her “garden palace.” She had named her garden.

“Mr. Benton, good morning.” Marie greeted back, not sounding very thrilled by his appearance.

Looking between the two. They clearly had their differences. Marie was the gardener that loved her fresh fruits, and vegetables, floral smell, and a lover of cats. While Mr. Benton was the mechanic type, lover of tinkering, fixing things, smelling like grease, and oil, and the owner of a wiener dog.

“Daw, don’t be like that Miss. Garner! I was only trying to be nice.” He replied, taking off his blue cap that showed a bald spot on his head. “Say, is your little lady willing to help me for a moment?”

I could-

“Absolutely not! Not with all that filth!” Marie exclaimed, surprising me on how fast she moved to put her tea cup down on the glass table, her hands now on her hips.

“Now, hold on there. It ain’t all filth.” Mr. Benton responded, putting his cap back on his head. Shaking a finger at Marie.

“You got old, rusting cars in your backyard, you make these god awful noises at night when you're in your garage, tools laying about everywhere, don’t make me list any more mister!” Marie listed off, pointing her finger at the man who just looked dazed?

I sipped on my drink, petting the orange cat in my lap as I watched the two argue with each other. Marie spitting details to complain about while Mr. Benton spoke of anything that would get her riled up, purposely.

“Oh! Bugger off will yeah?!” Marie yelled, waving off the old man, turning back to her much needed tea.

“Oh, you love it Miss. Garner!” Mr. Benton laughed, belly shaking with him.

“Just- shoo! Go away!” Marie waved him off again. A tint of pink on her cheeks as she took another sip of her tea to cover it up.

“Alright, alright. I’ll leave you be.” He sighed, finger coming up to his face to get rid of a tear, then waved. “Till next time lady’s!”

Giving him my own little wave, cat mowing in disapproval of the act of waving. I quickly nudged my foot at Marie.

“What?” She asked, still using the tea cup to cover her blush. I gave her an ‘really’ look, eyebrow raising up at her.

“Don’t give me that look!” She groaned, turning her head away. New cherry red blush coating her cheeks.

I see what’s going on here; don’t think I don’t.

“Stop giving me that look!” Marie exclaimed again, desperately trying to hide away from my gaze.

I shook my head at her, scratching the cat behind its ear as I bumped her ankle softly with my shoe again.

“Are you planning to go somewhere?” She suddenly asked, switching the topic. Avoiding the previous topic, for now.

I nodded, my eye trailing over the tree line at the back of the yard. The same heavy, tingling coming back; feeling stronger with each second I stared.

“Do you need anything?” She questioned, finally putting the cup down from her lips. Most likely have drank all of the tea, and calmed down her burning cheeks.

I shook my head ‘no.’ Spotting a flash of gold before it stilled. A blue visor glowing from a darkened area of the tree line. A slight gold shining off of the armored being.

I knew it. The Custodes had followed me here, and this means they must know, that I know. Though, didn’t it have a red visor before? Not blue? Less gold too?

Oh, I was definitely planning on going somewhere now. I wasn’t going to be in the presence of an Custodes. Much less of an Astartes.

[not-poignant]

Ive been writing fanfiction for a while (never posted them) but on a whim i posted a few pages i wrote on AO3.

its weird because now if i want an update I HAVE TO WRITE IT MYSELF (???)(it is also very freeing in a way to have control over that)(but also i have a job)(also kinda gives me brainworms bc all i can think about all day is what i am writing), and not only that but other people would like to see more and it makes my day :)

anyways, it gives me a better perspective of what it is like to be a writer online and i am very thankful for everything that you do and all the time you put in and i will continue to leave nice comments on your works. thank u 4 the stories

omg anon now you too know the feeling of 'what do you mean i have to write more, where's the rest???? wtf no one told me it was like this (it was like this tho)'

more seriously - CONGRATS - like, congrats on the writing, congrats on taking the step to put it on AO3!! That's huge. It can feel like a lot of pressure but ultimately you gotta focus on what brings you joy as much as possible. I'm so glad that other folks are enjoying it though!

Being a writer online is in all truth my favourite way to be a writer. It's not for everyone. Some people want to write books in (mostly) isolation and then publish them and then have (mostly) nothing to do with their readers. Others maybe want a bit more to do with their readers but still write in a very novelist kind of way.

I'm out here just going 'ALALDKSLJFDDSIF AHHHHH CHAPTERS GET YOUR CHAPTERSSSSSSSS' like a 9 year old newspaper boy complete with flat cap, soot smudge on my cheek, and really annoying voice to try and get people's attention, and y'know, the metaphor's weird (hey I never said I wrote good responses to asks), but it's a great old time and I love when y'all stop by the newspaper stand and read the chapters before going on with your day :D

But yeah, like, why did no one tell us we had to keep writing the chapters? Kind of rude, if you ask me

[dumbcrustyassbitch]

IᑎTᖇO

hey !! this is basically just a silly blog where i ramble and reblog about my interests !!

info

you can call me bee :3

she/they

will unlikely be the one to initiate conversation, but feel free to talk to me !!! im just a very anxious person

neurodivergent in some way, im still working myself out

lesbian

can get very passionate, just lmk if im being annoying or too much !!!

my interests

mean girls

my favourite version of mean girls is the broadway !!! regina is my favourite character, ive watched the 2024 movie over 30 times !! also im an avid rejanis shipper !!! please send me asks/dm me about mean girls, i could babble for hours :3 my favourite song from the broadway is meet the plastics, and my favourite from the movie is someone gets hurt !! WISHING SO HARD FOR WEST END TICKETS🙏🙏🙏🙏

reneé rapp

ive been a fan for just under a year !! my favourite song of hers is either so what now, in the kitchen, snow angel, or moon. ive seen sex lives of college girls 4 times (leighton murray marry me) i own the mean girls and snow angel cds, and its my dream to own one of her vinyls !! i love her so so so much, she's helped me understand myself a little better, and SHE'S SO FUCKING FUNNY AND HER VOICE IS JUST AHAJABFAJAMAN

rachel mcadams

the first movie of hers i saw was mean girls ofc, and then i decided to go on a watching spree !! my all time favourite movie of hers is 100% morning glory, but a few honourable mentions are the notebook, the vow, red eye, eurovision (don't come for me it's not good it's just funny) and game night !! ALSO HER SNL SKIT>>>

erin caldwell

been a fan since 09/05/2023, met her twice, genuinely actually saved my life. there's not much more to say really. as a scottish person, it makes me so proud to see someone like me on stage (help im getting sentimental) but seriously, erin is one of my biggest inspirations, and she's helped me develop my confidence and skills and self esteem and SHES JUST AMAZING OKAY

musical theatre

my longest interest !!! favourite shows that ive seen live are six (ive seen it 4 times, round 5 and 6 booked !! the uk tour 23/24 cast hold a very special place in my heart), come from away, everybody's talking about jamie, pretty woman, hamilton, and grease :3 my favourite shows that i wish i could see/could've seen are mean girls, the notebook, and the great gatsby !!

gravity falls

been a fan for a while :) my favourite episode is “the golf war” because I LOVE PACIFICA HONESTLY !!!! (regina and pacifica are very similar, im sensing a pattern) very very strong shipper of mabel and pacifica !!!! I NEED THE BOOK OF BILL PLS🙏

other interests include the owl house, heartstopper/osemanverse, superstore, olly murs, chappell roan, towa bird, wednesday, descendants, dove cameron, bluey and olivia rodrigo :3

dni

homophobes, biphobes, etc. any anti lgbtq+

racists, xenophobes, etc.

transphobes, terfs, etc.

ableists

NO NSFW !!!!!!

just generally don't be an asshole pls, im here to have fun, not report you for being a cunt <3

extras

i don't write fics or draw very often, I JUST GENUINELY HAVE NO CREATIVE TALENTS TBH !!!! but i tend to shitpost about mean girls and reneé mostly, some rachel thrown in there !!

also i frequently get the urge to change the entire theme of my blog, just go with it. but it's unlikely that i will change my username !!!! (it's a reneé lyric for those of you uneducated)

ANYWAY THANK U FOR READING HAVE FUN ON MY BLOG OKAY BYE !!!! DRINK WATER !!!!🩷

[lizzyaka]

I hadn't seen your blog since ages!!! And I really do love your takes because they are so different from others (and sometimes me too)

I did make a post about that Bunny wasn't sad about the farmer dying. It is how I interpreted it from the book. I do think Bunny was gonna eventually tell the police about it. I just don't necessarily think it was because he felt bad for the farmer's death. It was HIS friends who killed the farmer and that's what made him feel so guilty and go down the spiral.

If he was in the bacchanal with them and they had all accidentally killed the farmer, Bunny's not the type of person to turn himself in. He WOULD have done the same. He would have tried to save himself. He wouldn't have minded then if the farmer had died because he himself was involved in it

Even if this a hypothetical situation as you said, we don't know how Bunny will react to it.

It is clear he is more human than all the others and more capable of feeling remorse and empathy. But that doesn't mean in a situation where he is going to jail, he won't try to cover it up.

He will definitely feel more guilty than all the others did

They just went "oh well, what can we do"

Bunny would have eventually spilled the beans because of the humanity in him. Maybe to his gf or friends or anyone. Like he told Richard.

Bunny is STILL NOT morally superior in my eyes just because he wasn't directly involved in murder. It is because he wasn't involved that it makes it so much more grey.

We don't know a lot about Bunny in general.

What if he was involved in the death? Wouldn't he be in the same plane as them?

In this case they wouldn't kill Bunny, and they all would be in the same situation. Henry didn't kill Bunny cuz he was a sociopath.

They seem worse than him because they killed him but if they didn't, we won't consider them worse.

He would have done the same as they did but with more guilt and remorse.

To me it seemed like Bunny wasn't upset the farmer died but he was upset that his friends killed him, lied to him and hid their crime, that made him feel an intense amount of guilt on behalf of them.

That's all I want to say.

(I don't agree with all your opinions on TSH but I don't mean to hate on it 😭😭😭😭. I saw the post of you calling me out and felt I needed to explain myself. Again, I just wanted to give my opinions on Bunny, I know he is more hated than the rest and it's BAD. It's just we see so little of Bunny being good that you can't blame people for not liking him. My opinions of him have softened each time I re-read the book and he definitely didn't deserve to die as some people say)

Sorry for the long ask lol, I just had a lot of emotions 🤧🤧🤧

Im so sorry for the late reply really ive been suuuper drained and ive been waiting until i get my energy back to reply but days have passed and im still mentally and physically worn out and i just feel rude at this point😭 i really wish i could give a longggg reply bc i love yapping about tsh but theres a stopper in my brain that prevents the thoughts from flowing so ill leave this post here where i talk in length about this topic and why i dont think bunny could have ever been involved in the murder.

Anddd i dont blame people for not liking bunny!!! I think thats a very valid opinion. I dont think hes a good person but i love his character

And tysm for what u said abt my blog! I loveeee hearing opinions that differ from mine so pls feel free to debate me on my takes i find it really enjoyable <3 my interpretation of the book is after all just an interpretation and i love hearing how other people come to different conclusions based on the same text

And wdym by the post i called u out on? Im kinda confused on that bc i dont remember having called anyone out on my blog 😭 but sorry if u somehow felt attacked by one of my posts, it def wasnt my intention

[lunatic-fandom-space]

Hey! I've been obsessed with Elisabeth: das Musical for a good while and one of the things I really like about it is the way it comments on Sissi-media. However, Im saying that as someone who really only knows about that media through cultural osmosis and hasnt really seen any of it. And since I'm gonna have a bunch of free time the next few weeks, I thought it would be interesting to watch all* the media about Elisabeth I can get my hands on and review it and just talk about my thoughts on it. I'm also gonna watch all* the Rudolf media I can find as part of this little project because, I might as well

*by 'all media' I mostly mean stuff like movies, series and stageplays, obviously I know there's books but I'm not really in a place where I can focus on reading a bunch of stuff, but I know that the trilogy is based on books, and if I can find free audiobooks online I'll listen to those

I also want to give a quick disclaimer that I'm not a history person, I know very little about all this, so I'm not gonna get too much into the historical accuracy of any of these pieces. I mean, maybe this whole thing will get me to do research into the actual history, I actually have been wanting to do that more since Ive started engaging with the Elisabeth das Musical fandom and seen all these people talk about how much reasearch they do for fanfics and stuff, and its making me feel a little left out ngl, but I struggle with actually doing that for reasons I dont really want to get into. Long story short, if I dont approach historical topics very carefully Im gonna end up with horrible intrusive thoughts that last for days, and I'd like to avoid that but I need to figure out how to do that first.

Anyway, that's pretty much it for now. I'll put everything I want to watch in order under the readmore. I'm pretty sure I got everything (that i can access atleast), but if you feel like Im missing anything please tell me, I want to be thorough and I would really appreciate it ^^

• Kaiserin Elisabeth von Österreich (1921)

• Elisabeth von Österreich (1931)

• The King Steps Out (1936)

• Mayerling (1936) (with english subtitles)

• L'Aigle à deux Têtes (1948) (with english subtitles)

• Le Secret de Mayerling (1949) (with german subtitles)

• Ludwig II. — Glanz und Ende eines Königs (1955)

• Sissi (1955)

• Kronprinz Rudolfs letzte Liebe (1956)

• Sissi, die junge Kaiserin (1956)

• Mayerling (1957)

• Sissi — Schicksalsjahre einer Kaiserin (1957)

• Mayerling (1968)

• Elisabeth Kaiserin von Österreich (1972)

• Ludwig (1973) (with german subtitles)

• Viza Privati, Pubbliche Virtú (1976) (with german subtitles)

• Der Kronprinz (1989)

• Sisi und der Kaiserkuß (1991)

• Elisabeth: das Musical (1992 Austrian proshot)

• Elisabeth: Ai to shi no Rondo (1996 Snow Troupe Proshot) (with english subs)

• Elisabeth: das Musical (2004 Hungarian proshot) (with english subs)

• Kronprinz Rudolfs letzte Liebe (longer original version split into two parts: Kronprinz Rudolf — der Rebell (Part 1) und Kronprinz Rudolf — Mayerling (Part 2), same as 'Kronprinz Rudolf — Sissi's einziger Sohn) (2006)

• Lissi und der wilde Kaiser (2007)

• Sisi (2009)

• Rudolf: Affaire Mayerling (2009)

• Sisi... und ich erzähle euch die Wahrheit (2012)

• Sisi (2021)

• The Empress (2021)

• Sisi & Ich (2023)

Media I am aware of but could not access:

• Leibfiaker Bratfisch/Day Geheimnis von Mayerling/Die Tragödie eines Prinzen (1919/1924-1925)

• Tragödie im Hause Habsburg/Der Prinz der Legende (1924) (<- I was very surprised that I wasnt able to find these two anywhere since theyre old silent films and would think they would be archived somewhere, and I couldve sworn Ive seen gifs or screenshots of Tragödie im Hause Habsburg on tumblr, so idk, if anyone could point me to where I could watch these, I would really appreciate it)

• The Last Half Hour: The Mayerling Story (1951)

• Sissi — Beuteljahre einer Kaiserin (1989)

• all the various Mayerling-shows by the Takarazuka revue

[justablah56]

Since you seem to be having a bad day, I threw together a little ficlet for you. Read/respond at your leisure (whether that's in 3 minutes or not until next year)

It had been a long fucking day.

It was a full day of teaching for Terry Jr, with a bad cold wiping out the entire drama department of San Dimas High (which had only been two teachers and a tech in the first place). There was screaming, and snotty noses, and one or two kids bursting into tears, and by the time the school bell rang, he was just about ready to collapse. And, of course, that was clearly asking too much, because it was drama club that day. 2 whole hours of dealing with kids who are meant to be off book two weeks ago, and still hadn't learnt half their lines. It was a fucking nightmare.

Now, dear reader, don't misunderstand. Terry absolutely adored his job and the kids he worked with. But today was one of those days where you just want to roll over and hide back under the covers.

The train had been cramped and noisy, even if the journey had been mercifully free from the kids usual loud arguments. (Why they insisted on riding back with Terry Jr, he had no idea. It was baffling though that Scary waited for him, and they were going to the same house. Although, somehow, her friends always seemed to stay over longer than expected.) Honestly, it was a relief to lock the door behind them all, the kids rushing off to the garden for soccer practice - mostly moral support to be honest.

Terry wearily pulled off his shoes, before turning to Scary.

"Hey, kiddo, I'm gonna go have a lie down. Let your mom know, okay?"

Scary, for once, didn't seem to protest either the request or the nickname. She just nodded, frowning.

"Yeah, sure. Go have a nap or whatever." He ruffled her hair a little (this did elcit an irritated groan. He may not be her dad, but she was still his kid and it was his duty to embarrass her in front of her friends after all) and headed upstairs.

Terry didn't bother to turn on the lights as he collapsed down into the bed, just letting himself he enveloped by the darkness and the comfy sheets. He felt bad about breaking his normal routine of kissing Veronica when they both got home, but honestly he just couldn't handle doing anything other than laying down right now.

He lay there with his head burried in the pillow for maybe a minute, maybe an hour, when he felt the bed dip.

"Hey, Tear-Bear. Bad day?"

There was his amazing wife, the light of his life. Her hair was flying loose from her bun, and even in the dark Terry could see that her office clothes were slightly rumpled.

She was stunning.

"You know, you gotta stop picking up Nicky's pet names. He has far too many." Terry mumbled as he grabbed her hand, tiredly bringing it up to his lips.

"Ah, but that would mean I don't get to hang out with your wife as much. Darling." A familiar weight draped itself over him, tail curling round his leg. "Dropping round unexpectedly and hanging out with V without you is half the fun."

Nicky's voice was a soothing rumble against his chest. Somehow, just having his two partners here made it easier to relax. Even if Nicky had definitely not announced that he'd be coming over. Veronica kicked her feet up and slung an arm over Terry's shoulder, pulling him closer.

"Come on, time for you to rest, TJ."

okokok I've hoarded this fic long enough , ive probably reread this AT LEAST 5 times now xnsnmsms anyways it means *so very much* to me that you decided to write an adorable little ficlet for me bcs i was not feeling good <3333 this lil fic is literally *so* cute i don't know how to properly convey to you how much i love this but icy i love this so much . thank you <33333

[nothinginthisworldbelongstome]

hi im rose!

just started this blog so i need to fix it up all nice and pretty but honestly idk when that might happen lol

friendly dms welcomed, but please dont flirt/sext im talking with someone atm <3

just a reminder, bc sometimes people forget and treat me like im just one thing- I AM A SWITCH. that means i want to and enjoy BOTH domming and subbing, and i cant do just one all the time, it burns me out. that might be different for other people, but this is how it works for me. i need as close to 50/50 as i can get, 70/30 works too.

more about me under the cut!

i just turned 19 aug 4th! she/her lesbian

men, terfs, bigots, any shitty people, and minors fuck off i will block u

im very switchy atm, will dom or sub whatever u need baby 😘

im more comfortable topping, and i loveeee bringing u pleasure, but it would be nice to have someone who desired me as much as i did them, even if im not yet comfortable receiving that attention lol

ive only been in 1 relationship online and never have even kissed anyone before, but ive been on nsfw tumblr for a while

i dont consider myself super femme but im definitely not masc/butch. i like jewelry and flowery clothes tho lol. i kinda just wear things and i dont have a super distinctive style. im mostly attracted to femmes but for me attraction usually comes from the face and personality, generally not style, if anyone cares lmao

im 5'7, i have brown hair and blue-green eyes, and im plus size, if any of that matters to yall

kinks:

praise praise praise. i love telling u how good ur doing for me and also i wanna be someones good girl

pretty girls telling me what to do hehe i love that

pet namessss ugh pet names. i use them SO much so if u dont like it let me know (but it will be so hard for me to stop ngl i fucking love pet names)

also call ME pet names and ill fall in love with u its so soft and sweettt ahhhh

anything that will bring you pleasure. when u tell me that turned u on/made u wet that turns me on sooo much

mommy kinkkkkk! call me mommy or let me call u mommy pretty girl

VOICESSS FUCKING VOICESS i have a hugeeee voice kink. make all ur pretty noises for me baby u sound so good

grindinggg i love grinding. yes bounce on my leg sweet thing

light pet play. like ill call u puppy/bunny/kitten, collars are hot, but not much more than that and im not a pet. no cages or anything more hardcore than that really

pulling my hairrr yes babygirl pull my hair while i eat u out

consensual somnophilia i love the idea of knowing someone trusts u enough to let u do whatever u want to them while theyre sleeping

MARKINGSSS ugh theyre so hot. ive veryyyy possessive i want u to be MINE if im into u. so yes marks are so hot. giving AND being given

also reciprocal possessiveness??? jesus christ sign me up. im urs and ur mine and now im in love

LIMITS

theres probably more but this is all i can think of right now

also even tho i dont personally enjoy something or dont have it in my likes, feel free to ask! im generally very open to trying things at least once. and some of the things i dont really care for i dont mind doing a little bit if its something my partner wanted! communication is key <3

heavy degradation/humiliation and stuff like that. i dont like being really mean it makes me feel bad. i will however tease u until ur begging me to let u cum <3

also dont be mean at all in any way to me ill cry

rapeplay/kidnapping or anything nonconsensual like that it makes me feel bad

any terms like daddy/cock/dick. big turn off for me

any bodily fluids other than cum gross me out sorry

feet. u can do whatever u want with mine ig but i dont like urs no thanks

send asks and dms!! i crave interaction

CLOSING REMARKS

idrk what else to say here. if u read all this u get a cookie ig lol

feel free to ask ANYTHING im an open book and will *probably* answer honestly lol

k love u bye! mwah!

[lovinqmils]

well….

i first want to say i’m sorry for forgetting about this book and tumblr as a whole LOL

but these months i’ve been working and training to get into my dream dance academy and i actually got in! so now im facing a weird situation where i have too much free time..

so i hope you know what that means 😛

so sorry if you’ve been curious as to what happens next 😭 i’ve had such a weird change in mindset i just never got around to even wanting to write but it is what it

thank you all so much for even reading the other chapters i literally made this book because i liked avatar a little..too much and got stuck in a new part of the internet

i have alot of chapters pre written , but the typos in this book is crazy so i’m kinda lost on where to go from here…

so i thought id ask the very small community ive got 🫶

[prismkat]

tell me about "the photography one", I'm curious!

You ask and you shall receive!! The photography one was a silly one shot I came up with where Dee finds the old Kennedy family photo album from before their parents died and sees that well, since it’s from before their parents deaths, she’s not in many of them. She becomes determined to change this and then picks up photography as a hobby, which then just led to a very wholesome fic

HOWEVER. I got a bit too carried away and ended up writing a fic about Jack Kennedy committing tax fraud. I have actually mentioned it before! Jack commits tax fraud in a totally normal way, by handing in his taxes like an overdue library book and running away before the police can find out he’s actually just giving them Monopoly money. Peter, afraid and concerned, constantly tries to prevent Jack from committing tax fraud, but no matter what he tries he can never get him to stop.

Tragically, Jack’s criminal past catches up to him, and he is confronted by the IRS. They take him to court and instead of giving him a fair trial, his fate is decided by the mayor of Reno and also newly elected president of the United States, Mayor Majig from hit Roblox game find everything.

He ended up in America through means that aren’t relevant, but only because ive never played find everything and dont even know if the stereotypical ‘getting hit by a truck’ would work.

Dee rushes into the courtroom, carrying the us constitution that she stole from the national archives museum on the way back from kindergarten and tells Mayor Majig that since nothing in the us constitution says that Jack can’t pay his taxes with Monopoly money, he should go free. Mayor Majig agrees with this verdict and proceeds to legalise gay marriage.

And if you want to read the short snippet I’ve actually written of this masterpiece, here you go:

Dee had always thought that the closet at the end of the hall had harbored some dark, mysterious secrets.

Jack had assured her again and again that it was just a storage closet, and that there was nothing more to it. But Dee knew better. Obviously.

After all, adults always had dark secrets in the tv shows she had seen. And she wasn’t oblivious to the demons that her older brothers faced without her involvement.

She knew they both had a common enemy, someone who went by the name of Taxes, and while she wasn’t quite sure who that was, she was sure she could beat them in a fight if they ever showed their face in her presence. She wasn’t crowned the champion of arm wrestling in her school for no reason! And of course, she was so good at fighting that one time the teachers even rewarded her for it by sending her home! And then Jack got her ice cream, and then he and Peter had a very serious conversation in another room. Likely, they were discussing defense systems against Taxes, but no matter.

It was late at night when she made her move. … Well, she couldn’t really be sure of that. It was either late at night, very early in the morning, or some sort of limbo time. It would have been beneficial to know how to read a clock, but a five-year-old has much deeper concerns than stupid maths.

Jack was working the nightshift, and Dee knew she wasn’t meant to be awake, but she needed to open the closet. She could never ever admit this to her brothers, but sometimes she would lay awake at night with her bedroom door open and stare down the hall. If she didn’t, then Taxes might creep out and eat Jack in his sleep.

But Dee wasn’t scared of Taxes hurting her, because she could defend herself. But Jack was weak. She knew this. She had beat him in a fight before, and she could do it again if she wanted to. However, she knew to pick on people her own size. It wasn’t right to fight people who didn’t stand a chance against her power. It was why she had stopped fighting Jack a while ago, much to his dismay. But if he wanted to get stronger, then he should fight someone on the same skill level as him and then come back.

Dee wasn’t scared of Taxes hurting her so she chose the night Jack was working to make her move. Finally, she would slay this monster once and for all.

She crawled out of bed, holding her toy gun close to her chest. She was very careful to not make a single sound, because she needed to have the element of surprise.

Gradually, she made her way down to the closet door.

Dee took in a deep breath, suddenly feeling nervous. What if Taxes had too many eyes and she couldn’t figure out which one to look at and then she lost the upper hand? What if Taxes had no eyes and stole hers?

No. She couldn’t let eyes be her downfall. Too many eyes or none at all, Dee was going to save her family! Even if it killed her.

Dee swung the closet door open, pointing her plastic gun upwards, only to see that there was no one there.

Now, Dee was little, but she wasn’t stupid. Jack was an infinitely cooler brother than Peter, and let her watch all of the scary movies with him that Peter didn’t allow her to. She knew that the moment she turned around, Taxes would be there.

They were right behind her, weren’t they? Well, she still could have the element of surprise. No one expects to get shot when they appear behind someone! She wasn’t going to slowly turn around, she was going to-

She shot around, firing her gun, remembering at the clicking sound that came from it that there wasn’t any ammo in it (of course there wasn’t, Jack wasn’t that irresponsible). She was lucky that Taxes wasn’t behind her after all. She turned back around to the storage closet.

Nothing there.

Taking a closer look, there didn’t seem to be any places to hide in there, either. Just boxes and boxes.

Wait.

Boxes.

Of course Taxes had to be a shapeshifter! Clearly, they were one of them. She had to end their reign of terror once and for all.

She thought for a moment about what she should do, before slowly backing into her bedroom, taking one of her teddy bears and placing it directly in front of the closet. She was sure he would keep an eye out if Taxes tried to come out of hiding.

Dee snuck to Jack’s bedroom, rummaging around in his drawers for a pair of scissors. When she found what she was looking for, she returned to the closet, grateful to see that not a single thing had moved.

She made her move.

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 5/30/2023

all you can see is my hand over the back of the couch as i give a limp wrist flick of acknowledgement and point you toward the post ↓ 

listening

Smooth Jazz by GUPPY, a selfdescribed comedic punk band that makes secular guitar music with bedroom-pop overtones. said to myself out loud on my walk "this sounds gay" and whaddya know they are.

I’m listening to smooth jazz In the parking lot outside of Joann’s Fabrics & Crafts And I’m feeling like a dumb spazz Because my mind is moving way too fast

i have had this exact experience at multiple joanns. the last bit of the song has been on loop in my head since uhh thursday when i was catching up with my spot/ify weekly recommended list. the tired, slightly ironic last-number-in-the-musical performance is really doing it for me

Jazz, baby! That’s just jazz, baby That’s just jazz That’s just jazz, baby In my brain, baby So give me a lobotomy

-

reading

raymond chandler's the long goodbye.

this book destroyed me. there is some BREATHTAKING racism even for 1953. it's one of the cruelest things ive ever read. it's a sucking chest wound of a book. i'm going to think about it for the rest of my life.

i'm not able to talk about chandler novels objectively.

i am partially grieving the incredibly fucked up shit that happens to marlowe in this book (i have no fucking clue how you even go on after that, but he does) and partially grieving that this is the last full novel and there aren't any more. i know the unfinished poodle springs was finished after chandler's death but! i do not care.

-

watching

One-Eyed Jacks (1961, dir. Brando). widely available for free, pluto had the nicest copy but ads that weren't blockable. this is a film where the production is as much of a story as the actual film.

i don't actually know if i enjoyed this film or had a good time watching it. i don't know that i ever need to see it more than once.

it is artistically distinct, and i genuinely mean that as a compliment. it is a rare western-that-doesn’t-have-to-be-a-western, and such a weird artifact of a particular guy's career in a particular time.

surprisingly, this is a pretty okay western to watch if you happen to be a woman. katy jurado and pina pellicier are acting their GODDAMN hearts out. despite itself, the movie paints a very good portrait of a mother-daughter relationship and some goodass parenting. women make mistakes and don't die about it. nobody gets raped!!! the absolute lowest bar a western can possibly have. as a quick sidebar, it's not that i think movies should never address rape, it's that westerns always address it in a way that makes my stomach turn.

it is a slow-burning revenge that mostly takes place on a beach, but it also takes you in great uneven hurtling lurches toward its finale. it wants to have things to say about lies, revenge, and storytelling but cannot help but give itself a certain kind of ending. it can only push so far. it is fascinatingly earnest, horny, and earnest about being horny.

-

playing

grim fandango remastered (2015, originally 1998) by double fine. the EPIC tale of CRIME and CORRUPTION in the LAND OF THE DEAD!!! critically acclaimed, what we would now call Mexican Gothic i think, but billed itself as a Aztec-inspired noir.

technical details: i am not totally impressed by this remaster bc it still looks pretty fucking janky in parts (things clipping through other things, heavily pixelated stuff despite being on the highest quality settings, etc)

why i bounced off: i did not play video games growing up, and have not played many point-and-click games. despite this i do like walking simulators (the modern successor to point-and-click) and visual novels. i think bc i do not have the point-and-click background and am not playing this through nostalgia-tinted glasses for 1998, four years after i was born, the way the design team of this game expect the general population to solve problems and the way i personally solve problems are severely mismatched. i have spent about ten hours playing this game (in four acts) getting to about halfway through the third act, and i would say about half that time has been looking for/at guides or making up lost progress bc i didn't save. this is a tremendously frustrating way to spend free time.

what i did love: however, it does Look. i ADORE this tile and want it in my home. in a cutscene in this little automat there are not one not two not three but FOUR reflective surfaces. they're not real-time, of course, but i did say "what the FUCK" out loud. it's also hysterically fucking funny! many short sharp barks of laughter! i am greatly amused at how a game about skeletons invented permadeath! both the writing and the voice performances are so fucking top notch. i understand why this is a beloved classic and im glad a remastered edition exists in the world, but i do not anticipate finishing this game bc i don't get a lot of joy out of having to closely follow a guide to progress.

how i found this: it was free on GOG several years ago, i wanted to play something this weekend that was compatible with lying down on the couch and used a maximum of one finger for the controls.

-

making

i cannot show any of the extremely doxxable embroidery samples that will zhuzh up this cardigan for a work event in mid-june, but i can show how i tacked the buttonband down. this is somewhat indifferent stitch spacing but it stays down and is invisible at a distance from the right side, and that's what matters. gotta de-pill this also but that's a bit boring for a tuesdaypost