#and that is SPECIFICALLY what im trying to challenge in myself here

[cascadianights]

I am so desperately Afraid all of the time that I erase most of what I have to say shortly after I say it, and, in doing so to run from the people who are Not taking meaning from my words, I've only now realized I take away that opportunity for all the people who Do

[stovetoast]

pillow tpot headcanons (long ramble expanding on the ocd part under the cut)

ok so first warning: i am not a psychiatrist. this isnt a super educated essay on ocd, just me projecting my lived experience onto an object show character. this is just an observation. if i get something wrong feel free to correct me, ill add it here. (its also worth noting i am self diagnosed. not "quick google search" self dx though, ive gone over it with a therapist and everything)

and that leads into the second warning: this ramble will get a tad bit personal sorryyyy

and finally the third warning: i put she/it on the ref but im just using she/her for simplicity (+ i forgot LOL(

anyway so yeah i think that pillow has ocd and is basically the embodiment of "letting intrusive thoughts win" except like. actually. this headcanon didnt stem from the killing or the strange impulses though, i think she has it because of her fixation on good and bad luck in tpot 10.

for me it manifests in a few different ways. my main one is counting—i have good luck numbers and bad luck numbers. i need to take a specific number of snacks every time i have a bowl of them. i have to shake medicine bottles a certain amount of times before taking them. i am always counting the "syllables" of whatever im doing, and it always has to land on a multiple/factor of my lucky number. and if i break any of this, i (generally, if i cant convince myself its fine or if i dont notice) have to count to my lucky number otherwise something bad will happen. hell, i added more flags to this ref because the number of them was my unlucky number.

i have a few other things that affect it that are completely unrelated to counting, though. like a particularly bad one is that i straight up cant wear certain articles or clothing anymore because theyre bad luck. or my ungodly long night routine (which is probably more of an autism thing tbh. but certain parts of it are absolutely influenced by the ocd, like having to say goodnight to my dog).

that ^^ is what i saw in pillow. she was distraught that her team lost in 9, because not only did she think she was doing the challenge right, but killing people (bringing death) was good luck for her.

i think her killing people was a compulsion, and her whole thing in 10 was her scrambling to find a new one after that stopped working.

and before anyone tries to be all like "oh thats fucked up why would they portray ocd like that," one: i dont think this was on purpose this was just an observation, two: i mean..... fuck dude if i lived in a world where revival was incredibly accessible and one of my compulsions were to kill people, id do the same thing. death is fairly normal in bfdi, to the point everyone literally has a kill count on the fandom wiki (hers is 13 as of tpot 11 btw, a commonly unlucky number ironically enough. if she gets eliminated in 12 with an unlucky kill count thatd be so funny). once they get past the pain, its. really just an inconvenience to them.

when it comes to ocd, you. HAVE to do these things. its not a choice until you can get some outside help with it, and oftentimes its an inconvenience to those around you. i dont think its right for her to be going around killing her team, but when i get past the fact that is literally what made her my favorite, i get where shes coming from. shes trying to help in a way she "knows" will work.

or maybe shes just silly idk

[patricia-taxxon]

heya! i just rewatched your sc2020 video…again… and then found out you're on tumblr and, of course, immediately went to look if you've posted anything about sj aswell and found that post from *checks notes* 1.5 months ago - so, i guess what im here to ask is, would you mind elaborating on that?

im unfamiliar with marble blast (im so sorry i do not have the brainpower to watch your essay on that...yet) so the comparison you make is not particularly useful to me :v

also for context, i did contribute to sj, specifically playtesting and programming, so i do have Opinions™ (that im gonna keep to myself due to lack of anon ask (not a bad thing! i understand why you have it off)) and i wonder if those happen to bleed through to the player experience or if your gripes with it are something different entirely.

well, firstly, i have developed such a deep seated hatred of the celeste community that i haven't opened the game in months and i've considered just deleting my spring collab video multiple times, I'm not finishing any more of my maps because I don't want to make anything for these people. so i didn't actually finish SJ, I did everything up to & including the easy half of the grandmaster lobby though, and my take is that even with the few miracles I found within the map list, it would not have inspired a video essay on the level of the spring collab one if I'd played it first. it's just not as interesting, and not as rewarding to study. it represents a horrible misattribution of priorities that permeates the entire community.

in that video, i confidently say that spring collab is ALWAYS interesting, because modding culture is interesting even if it's interesting for being a little bad or revealing something about the author's proclivities. strawberry jam represents a near unanimous drive to remove authorship and make levels that are impartially agreeable, to make Celeste 2. it's only interesting when the mapper does something interesting on purpose, like Paint, Pointless Machines, Undergrowth, Summit Down-Side or Flipside Cliffside. a path of least resistance emerged in the time between SC2020 and Strawberry Jam, and experiencing it in this quantity made me forget what I liked about this game or this modding scene in the first place. the volume of creative gimmicks and varied aesthetics is huge, but each one starts to feel identical after being ground through this particular jank-averse process. I still have strong opinions about every map in SC2020, even the ones that might seem unremarkable, I can only barely begin to quantify the entire fucking C tier of my SJ tierlist. it's diverse on the surface but the substance is homogenous, especially intermediate through expert.

also in my SC2020 video, I talked about a certain tension that arrives once you get to the expert lobby, where the mappers had to create uncommercial levels of difficulty that rubbed against a similar apparent drive to make the player feel like they're actually doing the challenge & not just watching it. strawberry jam arrives at this conflict far earlier, the INTERMEDIATE maps and onwards are the ones that seem to pull between making interesting challenges while also having the player be an agent in those challenges. they want the intermediate levels to feel hard, look cool, and the solution is to just make them ridiculously constrained so the only way is the ~satisfying~ way. that's why I won't make a video about strawberry jam, because many segments in my spring collab video already serve as criticism for strawberry jam. it made the same mistakes again, but worse, and with far less of the things that made me love spring collab in spite of its flaws.

here's my tierlist, if there are any questions i'll try and qualify any of these takes with what i can remember from playing it. however, for reasons stated previously I won't be playing more so this is probably gonna be it.

[elfbitches]

hi :) an update and reintroduction to myself, since its been a long time and things are different now

a lot of very big life-changing things have happened to me since i've been away, some very bad, some very good, all very hard stuff to go through. i moved to another country(!), got married to my partner and best friend of 7 years (!!), and im currently in the process of filing for immigration(!!!). ive also been grappling with mental and physical health issues that, for now at least, need to be managed without professional help which makes the challenging things even harder. but im here, im alive. imperfect, with a lot i need to work on, but im still trying and my life is several lightyears away from what it used to be. ive finally landed where im gonna stay, and now i can finally recover with the stable ground ive been without for my entire life.

ive been wanting to find a way to come back to social media after abstaining for over a year now aside from checking in now and then, and i had this sort of self-imposed pressure to make it something Significant with beautiful artwork to announce my return and signify how hard ive been working on recovering mentally emotionally physically and artistically. so i kept delaying it because nothing ive been making seemed amazing or groundbreaking enough to warrant all the fuss, and in the process depriving myself of basic human interaction because i didnt feel good enough about myself to show up empty-handed. however i now realise that that impulse was the same sort of mentality that got me so catastrophically burnt out so many times before, that my creativity and artistic output is a commodity that needs to meet a certain level of quality to justify it's existence to others, and all i could do was pray that people like it enough to keep paying attention to me. im trying to break out of that, and as such i have nothing to give you other than myself. im not a content creator, i am simply a person who creates.

ive done a lot of reflection on what is important to me this past year, and currently im in a state of flux and change and adjustment in all aspects of my life. ive basically restarted my entire artistic journey and im starting over from scratch in order to make my art something I both love to look at and love making, and neither of those things have been true for many years now. the same goes for how I presented myself and interacted with others during my time on social media, and I understand now what it means when people say "you teach people how to treat you"; it took me a long time to realise that I was unhappy with how people treated me, and that was a direct result of me constantly enabling specific behavior simply because it gave me positive attention (even if it was at my expense most of the time, people-pleasing habits die hard). from now on going forward, i want to give myself the respect i deserve, and be better about establishing healthy boundaries without being the isolated recluse ive become in the past year.

so all that said, hi! you can call me abel or blue :) i work as a remote graphic designer/illustrator for a tea shop in seattle, and live in canada with my husband will and our cat mango cheesecake! im a weird gay stoner with AuDHD and my current obsession and all-encompassing special interest is my multimedia art therapy project called ELFWOOD, and im always working on it in some capacity at any given time. im also a nsfw artist that loves drawing queer porn and doing drugs so suggestive stuff and things relating to weed and psychedelics will be a big thing here. i hope to be brave enough to post art and project updates someday soon, but i want to make sure its something i want for myself and not because i want to rely on external validation. thank u for reading and sticking around if u choose to! if not, thats okay and i hope u have a lovely day anyway :)

[rowanisawriter]

writer q&a

thanks for the tag @luvwich i love talking about myself lmao

tagging… @mashamorevvna @yourworsttotebag @swordbisexual no pressure

When did you start writing?

10 or 11 handwriting a three part series in notebooks lol i still remember the plot of my first book which was basically xmen AU. fic writing also started around that time

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

not really, my writing and my taste in reading usually align. even poetry which i read a lot of but don’t write, somehow still sneaks into my writing because i like making things read pretty

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

idk about fic but for published authors i like sally rooney and her character work, and i also love t. s. eliot’s rhythmic style in poetry, im always trying to emulate them

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

i have a toddler to the answer so this for now is my phone on the couch or in my bed in the middle of the night lmao. i’ve learned how to write under weird circumstances, but hopefully once she gives back some of the mental capacity she takes from me daily then i’ll sit at a table or something

What's your most effective way to muster up a muse?

can’t do it easily lol it comes to me in visions, usually after i read something or see a piece of art but if it’s not there it’s not there

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

i write a lot about religion… no that’s not surprising…. i also write a lot about love… that’s not surprising either lol

What is your reason for writing?

i like stories a lot, and i like being praised, so writing stories and having people read them checks two boxes for me lol

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

all comments are precious, but comments where people find something that i didn’t consciously put into a fic those are my favorite comments. i put a lot of myself into everything i write, sometimes i write things i don��t think about, when someone points it out it feels very personal (good)

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

hope i don’t come across as insane, i want to be aloof and interesting but then people find me on tumblr and learn the truth

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

hopefully emotion, i focus a lot on that instead of setting or plot most of the time so if i get emotion right then that’s good, as long as i can make someone feel something then they’re compelled to continue reading (conversely when i am reading something and don’t feel any emotional connection to the thing then i put it down)

How do you feel about your own writing?

i like it very much, it’s the exact thing i want to read, and it was a very long road getting here to my true voice and style. i reread my own work constantly i really like it

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely for yourself, or a mix of both?

i can only write for myself, the motivation to write is only there if it’s something i want to write, even challenges and prompts i struggle with because there is some aspect of “this isn’t truly my idea” that i struggle with. i’ve written things that just aren’t popular (weird ship, quiet fandom, etc) but i wrote it anyway because i wanted to. obvs i want to be read otherwise i wouldn’t post online but i have a good audience now so usually no matter what i write it does get read anyway, so may as well just write what i want lol

[mariusroyale]

tips on how to draw raph? :3

I’m a raph lover but he is so hard to draw 😔

hey an!! listen i get u completely, this big spikey boy can be a real challenge

my main advice would probably be to recognise raph’s structure? his shapes and how he’s formed, etc. and the best way for that imo are references! i have a tag for this actually

and here’s some raph refs!

if u wanna know how to draw the entirety of the best boy this post wouldn’t do it justice so here’s some main things:

if you’re trying to replicate the show’s style keep in mind how angular everything is. raph's main shape is a square because of how bulky and rigid he is (helps to encourage his character's role too! love that they made him such a fucken tank)

raph’s head shape is basically if you widened leo’s head- they’re both pointed too

one main thing i do for any head really is keep in mind the eye placement and the cheeks

if u happen to draw faces with the fabled circle and two lines- i use the horizontal line to mark where the bottom of the eyes are- and where the start of the cheek begins (i’m doing my best not to make this into a ‘now draw the rest of the owl’ moment)

if that makes any sense. heres a really shoddy 'tutorial'

i kinda just blank out on my canvas and raph appears out of sheer will

but also just like.

figure out how you like raph's head to look (maybe u want his snout longer, or his jaw shorter, etc etc)

figure out where his brow ridges are located and how they're moving (is he grumpy? is he angry??)

make a mask for his eyes to go in (jebus take the wheel)

pronounce snout (it protrudes, which makes it easy to figure out his facial planes)

do whatever feels right for his mouth- im not exactly rigid with how i draw as of rn, i just do what feels right

ive drawn raph with a more pronounced snout too, and oscillate between designs if i feel like it (truthfully i also sometimes begin his head shape with a square (i mean if im doing a different style), feel free to do that if it helps i dunno-)

if you want to draw his shell and plastron here’s what i do:

being able to carve out 3D shapes will help a lot with the border of his shell

by blocking out the main shape and then carving away at it you can then see how raph’s shell is structured (just. try decipher my sketch if u can pfghjhj)

for the actual shell itself it’s a lot like mikey and leo’s where it has a big curve and then dips at his midsection (where his belt goes!) also keep in mind the spikes of his shell follow those same curves (ft. dr belle)

with his plastron (chest plate) i basically make sure it’s the same length of his clavicle? the jagged edges of it i mean. it helps a lot to map out where his shoulders meet his arms

(pls keep in mind my art’s inconsistent and i don’t even follow my advice- the hole in his shell changes every time i draw it 💀)

his body shape is also just in general wider and stockier- if i ever see people draw him skinnier than he is you'd be able to hear my soul exiting my body

all of him is wider in general! hes bigger than the rest of his brothers so dont forget to show it instead of just giving him a height difference. he BEEG.

i’m not sure how else to describe the process of drawing him other than just. draw him?? 😅 my best advice would be to draw him repeatedly based on references- and study your favourite raph artists’ way of drawing him (mine would be jacocoon and itz_jazzy_jazzin)

and it helps to study bc it can answer these questions

how do you want to draw him? do you like the way a specific artist stylises his features? do you want him more spikey? more sharp? maybe you want to draw him bigger! (i myself like to give him a tail, extra markings on his spikes + a few scars post movie and his mismatched eyes)

repetition is super important to get it all engrained in your brain- and it’s why i don’t really even use refs for him anymore fldjs

dont forget a very important rule: appreciate the big boy in all his glory

[niqaboy]

a long list of reasons i love my niqab and abaya

first and foremost, it is what makes me feel closest to Allah. i am in a constant state of worship when i am wearing my veil. i even wear it in the house.

i feel so incredibly protected. i know i sometimes am actually putting myself at risk wearing my abaya and veil, but regardless, there is such a safe feeling when i wear it

nobody! knows! the! shape! or! size! of! my! body!

the genderfuckery of it all. im a boy in a girl way and a girl in a boy way and my gender and faith are so incredibly intertwined.

its fun to play around with different color combinations and styles! i genuinely find it to be like. a fun little challenge to see how i can style something different about my look every day. like an online dress up game where you drag and drop the clothes onto a static doll. yes i am autistic why do you ask

on the note of gender again, it really helps me connect with the girl part(s) of my identity, something i had suppressed for a long time in trying to fit in with other trans men (a note here: don't really consider myself a trans man anymore. only label im using is boydyke currently. it fits like nothing else ever has)

i won't lie! i feel really beautiful! and i like feeling beautiful!

warmb. roast me like a chicken i love the heat. you can catch me wearing layers in the summer. yes i am anemic why do you ask

this is very specific but babies and little kids LOVE IT. especially when i'm wearing jersey fabric. so many are very curious and like to play with the fabric! have gotten slobbered on plenty of times. this is okay. they are children

sensory heaven. i am in my own little bubble and most people dont even look at me let alone speak to me. those who do are usually muslim themselves and will greet me warmly, because like, that's what we do!

[poopwons]

ok now im gonna need u to write photographer armin pls & thank you!! him giving u a photo album of his fav photos when he confesses? yes 100%

CHLOE MY DEAREST. omg I'm sorry I left you in drafts for so long. I had two panic inducing pet incidents happen within like two days of each other. Everyone's okay, I just freak out when things happen to my babies. **I've also never written for Armin, so this was a bit of a challenge for me. I hope this is okay💖 It's probably my own insecurities about the way I look but I literally fantasize about seeing myself through other peoples eyes, so literally any opportunity to write about that, I'm gonna take it LOL**

You love when it's like this. Just you and Armin laying out on the hood of his car, music playing softly through the open windows, while you talk about anything and everything under the sun.

You loved everyone in the friend group, but you and Armin just seemed to have a special connection. It was easy to talk to him about everything, and he was always bringing little fun facts for you when you needed some cheering up or even just a change of subject when things got too heavy.

So, here you were, chattering on and on about a movie you’d watched recently, telling him about every theory you’d thought up and all the different characters. You can’t help but notice Armin seems to be looking at you differently this time, more attentive, but also not. Like he’s making more eye contact but he’s not actually hearing you.

“Armin?…you okay?” You ask, face etched with concern.

“Hm?” He seems to shake himself out of his head to answer you. “Y-yeah. I’m fine, sorry. Just a lot of my mind, I guess.”

Well, that was different. He’s usually really up front with you when something was bothering him. The two of you confiding in each other and offering advice where you could.

“Do you want to talk about it?” You sit up, propping yourself up on your elbows to look at him more clearly. He seems…you don’t know, nervous maybe?

He pauses, like he’s trying to decide if he really wants to talk to you about this specific thing or not. He sighs, turning to face you.

"Do you ever wonder if it's better to enjoy something the way it is, taking what you can get, rather than risking ruining everything by asking for more?"

"I guess that depends on what the thing is," you say, trying not to pry. "I think, if it's something important to you, what's the harm in asking for more and trying to get the most out of it?"

Armin makes a face, it's almost a pained expression. You scoot a little closer to him, taking his hand in yours, trying to comfort him.

"It would help if I knew exactly what we were referring to." You say gently, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze. You just want him to know that you're here for him, just like he's always been there for you.

He takes a deep breath, looking into your eyes, you hope he can see the genuine concern there,

"You know, every time I talk to everyone else about this, they always tell me just to man up and say something. That everything will end up okay, and I'm sure if it was anyone else, that would be true. But, I'm not anyone else, I'm me and..and.."

He does this when he's nervous or anxious about something. Ranting and going on and on, not realizing that all the extra words don't do anything to soothe his nerves. You give his hand another squeeze.

"Armin," You say gently, "I still don't have any idea what you're talking about."

He gives you an apologetic look, then lets out a nervous chuckle.

"Sorry, you're right. I'm not being very clear, am I?" He shakes his head again and goes to move off the hood. "Hang on, maybe this will help."

You wait for him as he goes into the trunk of the car, searching for something before slamming the trunk back down and holding out a book to you. You take it hesitantly, unsure if it's really meant for you or not despite him handing it to you.

"Open it," He's still standing at the hood of the car, fiddling with his nails.

You take the book, holding it upright and opening it, surprised to see a bunch of photos, and you seem to be at the center of all of them. There are photos where you were all obviously with the group, but despite there being so many other potential subjects, Armin had focused on you. There were some photos that he took when it was just the two of you, late at night when he'd take you on a drive after complaining that you couldn't sleep, photos of the two of you at breakfast together.

"I um.. I was saving that for your birthday, but Jean and Connie said I should just give it to you now. It's all my favorite pictures of us, a-and some of my favorites of you." He runs his hand through his hair, sighing before he continues. "Look, I know we're really good friends, and I don't want to mess up anything we have.. I just.." Another sigh, and you can't help but stare at him now, album still clutched in your hands. "You're so... special, an-and smart, and funny, and beautiful, it..god, it drives me crazy sometimes. I...like you..like, really, really like you."

You just sit there, hands clutching the album, staring at him. You can't believe what you just heard. Your heart is hammering in your chest, the blood rushing in your ears. He keeps going while you process everything he's said.

"and I... totally get it if you don't feel the same. Our friendship is so important to me and I don't want this to make things weird.."

"Armin," You start, setting the book to the side, before sitting up on your knees to wrap your arms around his neck, pulling him into you. "I like you too, a lot."

"You do?" He asks like he's genuinely surprised.

"Yes, you dummy." You chuckle, cupping his face in your hands. "Do you see me calling anyone else at 3am when I can't sleep?"

"I..I mean, no but I thought you just liked riding in my car the best."

"I like being with you the best."

"Oh," He lets that process for a minute, while you just look at him with that same lovey-dovey look you've always given him, wondering how in the hell he could have missed it. "So, do..do you want to be with me?"

"Obviously," You giggle again, before pressing your lips to his, content to spend your whole summer just like this, with your boyfriend.

[wiltkingart]

How did you learn how to draw anatomy? And if you use any references do you have links for good sources? I want to get better at it but i find it hard to get good reference images

references, trial and error, sheer determination, and my whole drawing journey across my entire life. for sources, there are many many options but for me personally i never enjoyed doing studies. though theyre helpful, i like to learn as i go, so the refs i compile are usually multi purpose (they have a cool pose going on, or interesting lighting) and learning anatomy is sort of a secondary result of all that.

but for sources - i get a lot of pics off tumblr (you can see what kinds of images i find useful on my inspo blog @morningprince), i also save hordes of images onto my pc and phone if i see anything remotely interesting while using the internet casually. pinterest is great for sorting reference types with personalized boards, and google when you cant memorize how to draw ears, no matter what, no matter how many times you draw them (hi). there are also anatomy textbooks you can find on the internet with a little digging but ive never cracked any of these open, because again, i like to just learn as i draw, and if i run into something i dont know how to draw in the middle of a painting i'll often try to look up a ref for that specific thing on the spot.

and when you absolutely cant find the reference you need in the middle of a drawing, use your own body. the amount of awkward pics i have of myself that i forget to delete when im done using them is unspeakable. if i ever lose my phone i hope whoever finds it enjoys the plethora of totally unsexy tit pics of me on here

but yeah i feel like ive been very slow with my anatomy journey when you look at how long it took me to get here. all i can really say is dont give up, and try to have fun with the challenge of learning. the few times i have done studies i liked incorporating my fave characters onto the geometries (being into spiderman really helped as an excuse for trying some more flexible poses back in the day). i believe in you!

[decepti-thots]

Do you have any tips for getting back into reading?

I do, anon!

So for context, as I said previously, I went from reading 50+ books a year to 5-6 a year max for about half a decade. Most of this related to a longterm downswing in my overall health and my executive dysfunction specifically. I would pick books up and never finish them; my attention span was dead in the water, as was my motivation to even try half the time. It took a couple years of active effort to get back to a 3 book a month average. So here's a few subjective tips I personally found helped. They may not be useful for everyone, but this is what personally helped me!

Some of the techniques I used:

Follow your interest and enthusiasm, and don't be afraid to hop around books. I was stuck in a rut for ages where I'd start a book, lose steam, and vaguely want to read another one instead... but I insisted to myself 'no, I need to FINISH this one, I can read that one when I'm finished!' Obviously, I just never finished the books period, rather than methodically finishing everything one at a time, as I'd hoped I would. I read less, not more. The most important thing period is getting momentum back up; better 4 'still not finished'-s on the way to the book you unexpectedly finish in one sitting than nothing finished, and just a vague sense of guilt. If a new book calls to you and your current one feels interminable, seize that urge and start the second book so you can keep your motivation going. At least you're reading something then; the alternative was usually just not reading either book, for me.

Try some shorter books. I read a lot of novellas to get myself going again last year especially, and it was fantastic. Again, it helps get the momentum going, to be continually working up to longer stuff. (Plus novellas are just a great medium in their own right! Length =/= depth. SFF especially is having a real Novella Moment rn!) Hell, read short story collections, read poetry chapbooks, read plays- if you can only read 75 pages before losing steam, find a 75 page book worth reading. There's tons of them.

Try and carve out reasonably consistent times to read. For me, I started saying that after work most evenings if I was still awake really late, that was now book time, not Twitter/etc time. I read on my lunch a lot at work, and on Sunday afternoons. You don't need to be rigid, that can just be restrictive, but make it a routine you can easily make time for on a predictable basis without hoping you'll spontaneously 'feel like it'.

Read shit you love. This sounds obvious but like. You can't easily branch out of your comfort zone into more challenging-to-you stuff til you have the momentum going, IME. Start off reading the shit you know you like, heady intellectual ambitions be damned. Yeah yeah, reading outside your usual lane is often rewarding, but it'll wait a year til you get back in the swing of it. Read 50 romance novels in a row if that does that for you. The other books will wait. Likewise: reread shit you know inside out. Your to-read list will be here once you got a few of those old familiar faves in.

Those are the big things I guess. A lot of it was locating what really resulted in bottlenecks for me and tailoring what and how I read to them, instead of trying to force past them. Finding the books that fit what I could manage helped me reach a point now where I can read more broadly again. It's like building endurance, you can't start at 110%, I found.

[nothorses]

im starting to realize that (maybe?) i have found myself in a circle of blogs with neo-baeddel beliefs? im tramsmasc, and ive always found the tme/tma thing a bit Icky for a lot of the reasons you’ve mentioned in posts. and now i feel like if i become a “””transandrophobia truther””” i will be perceived as anti-transfem/trans woman - which to be very clear, i am not. and at the end of the day it really seems like unnecessary in-fighting. i have a lot more feelings about this but i dont wanna take up your time. idk i just wanted to get this off my chest cause i am Confused and feel like a bad person just for being transmasc?

I'm really sorry you're feeling that way! Nobody should be made to feel bad or wrong because of their identity.

I think it's important to ask whether the things we're doing are harming others, and to be open to receiving criticism. I say that because I think it's important that we consider ourselves fallible, and always growing, and that we look to the people around us to challenge us and help us do that.

We should also feel comfortable answering those questions, and recognizing when criticism isn't really productive, too. If you feel like you don't have the space to disagree with someone else on something like that, especially if you cannot imagine a situation where disagreeing would be warranted, that's a sign that you're lacking some essential trust in your relationship with yourself.

And I want to touch on some language you're using as well; you use the word "perceived", but then assert that you aren't "anti-transfem/trans women". It feels to me like you know you're not actually what people might perceive you as, that you wouldn't be even if you discussed your ideas openly, and your worry is in how other people see you. What I wonder here is: which is more important? What can you actually control?

You are a living, breathing, growing human. You are going to make mistakes. You are going to do and say the wrong thing, and you are going to look like an asshole sometimes. That doesn't make you a bad person, and it sounds like you already know that! Trust that you are trying, and surround yourself with people who trust that you're trying, too.

If you feel like the people around you don't and won't trust that you're trying, or like that trust hinges on your complete and total agreement with their beliefs- if you feel like you can't have these conversations with them in the first place- then I would seriously consider getting the hell out of there, regardless of what those specific beliefs are.

[nutlessspeedrun]

Denial Journal: February 27th

so. um. im very throbby today. i like, cannoooooot stop touching myself. its kinda pathetic...

one of my followers suggested that, if i REALLY want to earn a nice full orgasm, i should try... going on no-touch for all of march. which!! ive never... done before... im pretty sure the longest ive gone without touching myself is like, three weeks? and, um. if i make it, it'd be the longest ive ever gone without an orgasm. 43 days, at least... id be going an extra five days without cumming than i ever have before ; ;

so. um. what... would i have to do to earn some touching during march? im open to specific suggestions, as always, but... heres some broad ideas:

doing something embarrassing would entail activities like... touching myself anywhere besides inside my own home, or having to beg for permission to touch. having to touch in positions that look lewd, or touch myself in ways that make me blush.

doing something challenging, on the other hand, would be tests of my will. having to use my edging machine, for example, or needing to perform difficult tasks. deepthroating a dildo to earn touch-time, or having to hold a certain amount of water in my bladder. having to fit a big toy in my ass, or needing to use unconventional objects to edge.

and again, PLEASE send me suggestions! ill probably make more polls later to narrow down options. maybe once a week, i'll let you guys pick how i can debase myself in march ♡♡♡

[magebastard]

Would you be willing to expand more on the choices that felt weird or janky? The book was pretty meh to me but I feel pretty alone in that sentiment

ya!! im still kind of muddling through the different routes so here are just a few things (spoilers ahead):

you suffer the most in this book by a WHOLE LOT and that doesn’t feel like it’s very. important. it just feels like bad things keep happening and it’s onto the next. it’s frustrating bc these are things that fundamentally change people.

wildly enough n’s romance (how I played it) might be. my favorite? in this book. I thought abt myself and my friends and ppl I know for a minute and was like “ya I’ve told people I love them very early in relationships maybe that’s fine I can live w that” and ive just rolled with it but the option even appearing DID feel a lil wild and out of pocket even with my mental gymnastics

a’s romance is trying to achieve sth that’s pretty specific in that tortured, sweeping soulmates kind of way. the push and pull was broken up in moments for A that felt. out of character for the sake of giving you romantic content. it felt rushed and sometimes, frankly, not cohesive w the character as previously written. some of it felt bizarre.

you can snap at tina but you can’t snap at the spy who’s leading her on.

why can’t you realize that you’re in love w f who you are IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH???

the tension w rebecca is rough bc everything w the chamber felt like it existed for the purpose of Introducing The Chamber and also showing rebecca’s ass as a liar. she pretty much tells u she didn’t raise u bc she didn’t know how to and you can’t challenge that you can’t freak out you just accept that info or get mad abt this lie that doesn’t feel like it matters that much

rebecca also said she didn’t have the clearance to know what happened to rook but she???? ran the agency?????? I get some of the other reasoning that’s like “it hurt too much to know” but be real be serious right now. Let me call her out.

AT LEAST let me call out. idk just facts? as they come up. the big bad referring to someone as a ‘she’ who scares them should immediately click for a detective w deductive skills as the leader of the rogues.

idk! I think a lot of romance should have been sidelined in this book. the detective should shift and be a little more characterized by what’s happening around them and I think the LIs could be huge as side support in that. THE BEST FRIEND ROUTES COULD BE SO GREAT FOR THIS TOO?? THOSE AND THE TINA VERDA CONTENT WERE GOLD

overall so much of the issue is very weird pacing

that’s a bit of where im at!

[birdybirdnerd]

🖋️"what inspired you to write your WIPs?"

✍️ "when did you get started writing?"

😭"what are the biggest challenges writing your WIPs?"

behind the scenes ask writing game!

sorry for answering this like a week after you sent it, we only just got back to a port with reliable wifi lmao

gonna use fate or a fools errand for this since its currently my only real wip; i have a couple other things im working on but theyve barely left the brainstorming stage so im not counting them, i havent even started real outlines SO

What inspired you to write your WIPS?

my biggest inspiration was @handdrawnfantasma 's magnus archives/ffx crossover clutching a map of dreams! i actually just finished rereading it during my week long isolation while i had covid lmao so fun timing BUT ANYWAYS its so well written, the way it seamlessly weaves the major plot points of ffx with a cast of entirely different characters without sacrificing their original character arcs, i just. its beautiful. its clever. its SO self indulgent and it gave me the courage to do something similar with the characters from pendragon, a book series that is so near and dear to my heart and has been for almost two decades, and ffxii, another game in the final fantasy series that ive been playing for as long as i could hold and manipulate a ps2 controller. thank you for my life

When did you get started writing?

good question skdjfhsdj i couldnt point you to a specific age, but my earliest fic writing memory is probably from when i was in 2nd-3rd grade, i was writing self insert danny phantom fic and excitedly showing it to all of my teachers. no shame whatsoever, cringe has always been dead here.

What are the biggest challenges writing your WIPS?

keeping myself motivated when the rewards center of my brain is so broken. ive partially hacked it by keeping a bag of gummy bears or sour patch kids on hand when i write and eating one every paragraph or so to get an instant hit and try to train my brain that way, and it works to a degree! i still struggle a lot but im getting better after a months long rut

[purple-compromise]

hi purple compromise! so, after reading your fic, and a few others, it really inspired me. authors like you push fanfiction to its best, in my opinion. i was wondering: what tips would you give to a fledgling fic writer? id love to hear some of your process if you want to share. its always been a little dream of mine to write a longfic, and im working towards that, but i thought your input might be enlightening. thanks for all the updates over the years.

Gosh, thank you so much! I'm delighted to know that you have enjoyed the fic so much, and flattered that you'd ask me for advice. If you're looking for my process specifically on TiWWaN, I have talked about developing a tenth class, developing character, and conceptualizing the world/story before.

Hmm... tips for a fledgling writer? I talked a little about advice I'd give a beginning writer here, but it sounds like you're probably looking for something a bit different.

Advice I would give to myself if I could time-travel back several years to when I was thinking about writing long works would be: learn how to plot and outline. Read about how other authors plan a work, and practice doing it, even if you hate planning, even if you don't use everything you learned. It will save you a headache later and prevent having a fic with no foreseeable end in sight. As it turns out, a beginning and an end are not going to get you through the middle. 🤣

That said, I have had a great (if challenging and occasionally frustrating) time flying by the seat of my pants! But I do not recommend it if you want a finished product in any kind of reasonable timeframe.

More importantly, though: have fun! Do not be afraid to experiment. It's very difficult to learn and grow if you're always doing the same thing, too afraid of what others might think to try something unusual. Remember that you are writing because you want this story, because you are having fun doing it. Keeping the joy and the fun can sometimes be the hardest part--but it is the most important.

I hope that helps! And if you have any other specific questions, I would be glad to answer them!

I hope you have a fantastic week.

[clairvoyiantjpeg]

My Minishifting storytime 💋🤍

Okay, so for the first two times I mini shifted I was shifting to mha (my hero academia). Overall what I’ve noticed when I minishifted, I was in my own lil world or I wasn’t even trying to shift 😭 (it somehow got more complicated for myself and im gonna make it this easy literally.) anyways, I’ll link the subliminals and state specifically what I did for you guys 🤍.

#1 | MHA

I was doing looking through subliminals, the one I was listening to had a relaxing ring to it. I was like ‘alright lemme look through this one’. When I was looking through it, I kinda just closed my eyes and relaxed ‘trying out the subliminal’.

Tell me why when I closed my eyes I was faintly seeing a bed frame?! Like honestly omfg I was seeing ts. The walls were a cream color (like how the dorm room walls looked in the UA dorms) and my bedframe looked oddly green? I can’t tell if I was new or when I shifted there but it looked a bit empty from the faint bedframe I was seeing. Also the lights were dimmed a bit, like the sun was setting or something.

#2 | MHA

For fun, I chose to listen to this dorm ambience (Nimbus MHA dorm experiences), I remember feeling happiness and excitement! It was very fun but I ended up falling asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night, my eyes fairly seemed closed and I was half awake. I was hearing voices and I was like HOLD UP and opened my eyes almost immediately after hearing the voices. I couldn’t tell whose voices were who.. and I couldn’t tell if it was the subliminal it switched to or not but I’ll keep it as an minishift.

#3 | Waiting room

This one is different from my last two because I was actually trying here. So I was on day 2 of the hylers 5 day manifestation challenge. (Day one- affirmation day, day 2 meditation). For meditation I used an 10 minute guided meditation for deep relaxation and pink blue and yellow noise.

I meditated for 10 minutes before my mind began wandering. I said a few affirmations every now and again but suddenly I felt my heart rate speeding up and I was also seeing flashing lights?! My WR is a restaurant, and I heard glass cups clinking together. I fucked it up unfortunately by getting up to close my door but omg.

tysm for reading if you did^^

everything I used:

(I’ll try to post everything else later it won’t let me post them for some reason 😿.)