#and the end result was something i liked and that really fit my mental image of her

[4giorno]

so hard when you dont know if the drawing youre working on is a case of "trust the process and it will be great" or "just delete it and start over and itll be great on the next attempt"

[mauesartetc]

A while back I got a comment that demonstrated a misconception as to what the character design process actually entails, and I thought it had real "teachable moment" potential. So let me make this perfectly clear:

Drawing a character is NOT the same as designing one.

Let's say I wanted to draw a guy. No backstory, no defined personality traits or preferences, no details about his current life, just doodling some random, generic guy who popped into my head.

That's just a drawing.

But what if I decided to flesh him out more? What if I wanted his appearance to reflect his lifestyle and inner life as well? Here's where the note-taking comes in.

And now for the visual research:

I thought the bodybuilding angle would provide a fun contrast with this guy's profession. The mental image of a huge, burly dude working on a clock or watch with tiny, precise movements just makes me smile. Perhaps I could give him small, nimble hands that would suit his line of work.

Now that I have a better idea of how Mikhail's face and body will look, it's time to establish a pose.

Of course, I never expected to employ all the personality traits I started out with inside this single pose; those were just a jumping-off point. No one drawing will ever be able to encapsulate every single facet of a character, unless they're extraordinarily flat and generic (see also: random guy I doodled at the start of this post). If I wanted to write a story with this guy, I'd have to figure out how all the traits play off each other and how they'd cause him to react to different situations. There would be a lot more note-taking and development involved, but for the sake of keeping this post (somewhat) brief, let's just focus on visuals for now.

On to color!

I decided to give Mikhail a carnation in his pocket (for its round shape), specifically a red one, which represents deep love and an aching heart. Thus, the flower needed to maintain its red color for the symbolism to come through.

For some reason I initially pictured this guy wearing a pink shirt (perhaps as an offshoot of the "romantic" angle), but I wanted to try some different colors inspired by the 70s catalog pages I found. I ended up really liking the contrast of the cool blue shirt with the warm red pants, and that option made it into my top three as a result. I lined them up next to each other to compare them, and in the end, blue won out over pink. I think it also reflects the "colder", more cerebral, less-emotional parts of his personality well (namely "systematic", "stern", and "callous"- one from each column!). Just goes to show that you shouldn't get too attached to your first draft, as better ideas are just around the corner.

I then lightened the blue of the shirt so it wouldn't compete so much with the rest of the outfit, and wouldn't be quite as loud and "in your face". Mikhail strikes me as a bit of an introvert, so the calmer, quieter blue is a better fit. I added a darker belt and watchband and de-saturated the flower just a bit to make the values feel more balanced, and I think we've got it!

Let's see the final result!

Y'all, I was not expecting this process to make me emotional, but there's something special about fully realizing a little guy you've spent hours working on. All of a sudden you look at him and go, "Oh my god, there he is. That's him." This man wasn't even a twinkle in my eye a couple weeks ago and now I'd protect him with my life.

And the thing is, the only reason I'm calling this design "done" for now is that I basically just brought it into existence to make a point. But if this dude were attached to a larger story, he'd be nowhere near finished. I'd have to make a ton more iterations and go a lot more in depth with my research than I did (especially with the Armenian cultural stuff). Overall, though, I hope this quick project properly highlighted the difference between a single drawing and a more fleshed-out character.

Later!

[lopposting]

The major question of the story that we are now asking:

Why, exactly, does Carlo never "wake up"?

[long post]

[Spoilers ahead]

Well, simply put - Because he is dead.

OK, that seems like too obvious an answer, but I'll elaborate, and bear with me here. I want to recap some elements first so you know where I'm coming from, but I'm also trying not to completely explain everything because that's way too hard and would be too long.

[Currently, we don't understand everything about the story or its meaning. Because of some of the shrouded nature of the lore and narrative, it leaves much mystery. But from viewing these questions and the story from a thematic standpoint, something unexpected and really cool happened. I found that the story and the lore opened up in reverse.]

The easiest way to explain the plot (in my opinion):

It was my impression that Geppetto never “started” the puppet frenzy. The puppets were NEVER breaking the grand covenant, interpretably they are protecting humans by stopping the spread of the petrification disease, it’s just that everyone in the city was infected by that point. 

Now with the puppets killing everybody in a city where everyone was infected (ergo being the result of the disease) Simon can go around harvesting all that ergo and Geppetto presumably plays him by letting Simon collect the Ergo first, and then sending P to kill him. [again, these details may not be completely accurate, but bear with me here]

Why create P in the first place?

He's made in Carlo's image so to speak because Geppetto hopes that Carlo's spirit will awaken. This is also why P is never bound to the covenant (it seems that not being bound to robot laws makes puppet egos awaken faster, since awakened puppets can break the grand covenant). So that is the two functions of P, to destroy puppets for ergo to harvest and so Carlo's consciousness can restore. I was just guessing that the arm of god was enough to get Carlo to revive, and Carlo's mental spirit reviving would be helpful but not entirely necessary. But for reasons we don't understand, Carlo never does regain consciousness.

Geppetto bitterly tells us that we don't seem to have inherited Carlo's memories. There is no big moment where Pinocchio or Pino or P reawakens, fully, as Carlo. He isn’t treated by the story as him. During the course of the game, P struggles to forge his own identity, to become a real boy, despite starting as a copy of the original. It’s a very fitting parable for the genre identity of a soulslike.

However, there are other successful re-incarnations of people through puppets, namely Sophia at the end of the Rise ending. We ask, for consistency's sake, why are puppet-form Romeo and puppet-form Sophia assumed to have retained their original identities, but not Pino? This is just my personal interpretation of why Carlo just couldn't or doesn't wake up. It isn't really based any lore or deduction from story details, this is from more of a philosophical point of view. And it isn't just the luck of the draw.

I had some initial thoughts about Carlo's failure. Romeo was made with intention of continuing to fight against the disease, as it's told that he "made a deal with the devil". Sophia may have been a special case, as she is a listener (Arlecchino even refers to her as the goddess in the tower), she may have had an ergo identity so strong that her essential self could retain this process. But either way, the implication is that Pino may have been able to recover her not long after that final fight. Look at the nameless puppet. The state of Carlo's body is so poor, that more than not his body seems to have been replaced with puppet parts. I think the implication was that Geppetto had been replacing parts as they rotted away. Maybe he had simply been dead for too long. But again, this isn't exactly why I think he couldn't awaken.

Simon and Geppetto

Lies has two main antagonists, although one isn't completely revealed until the last section. Both Simon and Geppetto are the perpetrators of Krat's destruction, but for what seems like different reasons. Simon is trying to be reborn, and Geppetto is trying to revive his dead son, Carlo. Interpretably, they are both trying to become Gods. Simon by grasping the supernatural, cosmic power of one, and Geppetto by raising the dead. They have destroyed Krat in their attempt to become a god, or more succinctly put, attempting to become God, singular. Geppetto's goal is, in essence, the same as Simon's goal - Because bringing back the dead would make him God.

That's why it seemed all so confusing. Haven't Geppetto and the alchemists already raised the dead, as Pino does at the end of the Rise ending with Sophia? Sophia, Romeo, and Carlo were all afflicted with the disease. Their Ergo were all made into puppets, but there's a minor but important distinction here. Sophia is still alive in her condition and actively suffering, this is the reason why she asks us to end her life. It seems as though Romeo lost his friend to the disease, and then made a "deal with the devil" to continue fighting, this implies being made into the king of puppets. We collected Sophia's ergo while she was alive, which we then used to animate the puppet. So the three of them were afflicted with the petrification disease. Sophia perished, Romeo perished, but Carlo died.

Now if we see the sand memories section of the beach, the stalker's words start to gain some clarity. If Carlo died from an incurable disease that the stalker couldn't prevent, why is she too late? Perhaps the goal was never to "save" Carlo's life. She laments; That she was too late, NOT to "save" him, but for him to be able to be restored. The stalker seemed to understand that whatever procedure needed to be done would be useless past the point of death.

I have to admit that there was something that I thought could override my theory. It seems as though the alchemists already were able to bring back both Champion Victor and The Eldest of the BRB, and from the dead no less. We read from notes in the Grand Exhibition that Victor had caught the disease, died to the despair of his adoring fans, but then miraculously made a comeback somehow stronger than ever. But maybe - he had only appeared to be brought back from the dead to the public, as Victor sought the help of the alchemists. And when it comes to the Eldest in the coffin, I'm wondering if he was actually only mortally wounded, leading the brotherhood to consult with the alchemists. [The way he was carried out by his brothers too (shouldered on either side) isn't typically the way you would expect people would handle a dead person]

Mirroring Sophia, Romeo, and Pinocchio, who were made into puppets: There is Champion Victor, The Eldest, and Nameless Puppet. We can see the former three as Geppetto's method of "cheating" God (cheating Death), and the latter three as alchemists' method. Only "Carlo" has a form in either one - The Nameless Puppet and the player, P. The Nameless puppet appears to share a similar undead quality with Victor and The Eldest of the BRB (including the tubes). We know that the collected Ergo can animate puppets, They are puppeting around their own dead bodies.

I feel like the Nameless Puppet tells us in a poetic way that Carlo is gone. My thoughts on this are more abstract. Again, this isn't from a factual analysis, but more of from viewing the Nameless Puppet itself as a metaphor. The Nameless puppet has qualities similar to the other undead bosses, yet the game doesn't describe it like it does Victor and the Eldest. It's not a body. It is a puppet [Human on the outside, mechanical on the inside - the inverse of our protagonist]. And straight in the text, we are told this is "The Nameless Puppet". But we know who Carlo was. His name was Carlo. We split open its head, and there are only cold, mechanical parts, instead of what we in the modern world now regard as the very most essential self (the brain). Because there was nothing to recover, there is no one there. Carlo's spirit had long, long since departed the world.

We are also told through one of the game's narrative devices that the Nameless puppet was the first puppet fitted with the organ. Ostensibly, Carlo's body was being prepared for whatever procedure that needed to take place, but Carlo died before that could happen (perhaps thankfully), and Geppetto pushed forward with his plans anyway, perhaps past the point of no return.

There are two forms of revival and we represent one of them, as in, there was the puppet form of Carlo and the undead form of Carlo. Presumably, the undead form was incredibly destructive, and thus stored away; We are the second try for Carlo's rebirth, this time in the puppet form, but we cannot even wake up without the aid of Sophia.

Lies, God, and the Finality of Death

But doesn't Geppetto actually succeed in one of the endings? Simon fails to become a god, (well, presumably only because we kill him in the process of doing so) and then we confront Geppetto. If we hand over our heart, Geppetto actually does revive Carlo. We see the resurrected Carlo, but with one simple smile we realize this isn't the Carlo the game has been leading us to believe existed. This ending leaves us with distrust and unease rather than a sense of peace and resolution. Simon fails to become a god, and at the bad ending - even if he "wins" - the game makes us wonder if So does Geppetto. No matter what, Carlo could NEVER be truly, and in both senses of the word, honestly, be revived.

[Simon Manus - like Simon Magus, the biblical figure who tries to buy into the supernatural power of God. And Geppetto, of course alluding to the 1883 italian novel The Adventures of Pinocchio - a puppet master, a creator indeed, but of wooden imitations of life, and a poor imitation of God]

So, why I think Carlo could not wake up? Because whatever needed to happen could not be done after the actual point of death, and Sophia and Romeo's hearts were both transferred before they actually died. His spirit had long gone from this world. Krat has methods of eternal life, but these transfers happened while they were still alive. While the alchemists and Geppetto could certainly cheat death (as we maybe even would with modern day medicine), they could not defeat it. Carlo can no longer wake up, Carlo can never wake up again, because he is dead.

[abyssalzones]

C-PTSD as a diagnosis makes so much sense for Ford because he really does fit almost all of the criteria, ESPECIALLY if you take the stuff in J3 into account in conjunction with his traumatic childhood (bullying, bad dad, etc.). It just makes sense in regards to his motivations and his issues with interpersonal relationships (like with Stan). Also buring yourself in your work (like he does) is a very common 'flight' coping mechanism to trauma in adults

I'm smiling like this right now

ford's whole.... mental health deal is extremely interesting to examine because Oh my god this man is the textbook image for "reacting to ongoing, continuous trauma". intentional or otherwise (I'm inclined to believe it's both).

like. okay hang on I'm about to get very in depth with it

I feel like there's no way this entire guy's life and in some ways his lasting identity haven't been defined by and constructed around various forms of trauma, maybe the most obvious and true-to-canon-intent being peer abuse/bullying from childhood. a lot of people downplay the impact of this type of abuse but it's... responsible for a lot of social ills in shocking ways. (if you're more interested in this topic here is an article my friend mer linked me a while back, it gets into it very deeply)

(a lot of this is going to be sourced from the wikipedia page for CPTSD [and my own experience Living with it] which I realize isn't very professional of me but Whatever this is tumblr)

one of the core tenets of ford's personality is that he's Different. he owns it, sure- his six fingers become a point of pride rather than something to be ashamed of- but they make it extremely clear that from a young age he associated being different with being a social pariah. ford's generation was characterized by notoriously cruel bullying, and anything that remotely made you stand out rendered you a target. ford could've been bullied for being nerdy and jewish (and failing to perform socially, ie dating) alone, having such an obvious mutation definitely was not winning him any points.

so it's honestly no surprise, when from childhood ford feels like he has One person in the world to trust and confide in, that he would go on to form very unhealthy attachment patterns typical of CPTSD. as you elaborated on regarding AvPD (which I know far less about but seems to have comorbidity with CPTSD): if you're hard-wired to believe socializing with others results in failure or betrayal, then you're not going to make an effort. but what does end up happening is that you're going to pour all of your trust and dependency into one person at a time, one person who is "safe".

previously, that was his brother. and it's not really hard to draw the conclusion from there that fiddleford was a subject of ford's attachment style, considering he was his One friend from college, and... one of Maybe two people ford is friends with at all who he isn't related to. he cites him as the only person he can possibly trust to work on the portal project alongside him, and he still can't bring himself to tell him the full truth, because he's terrified of losing him. I love their dynamic (I do think they were mutual best friends, and there was no small amount of trust reciprocated between them. "fiddleford was weird as hell too" is something I keep coming back to) and I don't think it's built on entirely unhealthy terms, but that kind of pressure is... setting things up to crash and burn.

enter bill stage left. back to "continuous yearning to be liked and accepted"- this guy knew that and made every effort to prey on ford's insecurities to reel him in as close as possible. this is what really pisses me off about the idea that bill was just "inflating ford's ego", because it's way, way more insidious than that. throughout the entirety of journal 3 we see ford reintroduce someone to his life he has a very positive relationship with (fiddleford) and how that trust gets gradually broken down by bill's influence "winning out" over their friendship. I think it's safe to say ford was already vulnerable: from the start, he'd been isolated in his research for six years (and it's unclear for how long he'd known bill by 1982), and bill proved time and time again to be someone who wouldn't judge him, someone who would praise him for his hard work, and perhaps most critically, make him feel like being different was something special.

like that's... that's really not good!!!! and that kind of thing works wonders on someone who has already settled with the idea that they're inclined to be alone just by design.

trying to put a cap on this. in relationships like the one he's had with his brother or fiddleford it doesn't even necessarily have to be ""toxic"" (vague term anyway) or outwardly bad to be built on unhealthy attachment patterns, and considering for a good chunk of ford's life his attachment to others can be characterized as "I can only trust ONE person at a time" it feels essential to any discussion of his CPTSD or canon trust issues. That is something that happens a lot in Real cases of CPTSD (hi) and only further snowballs into More trauma by leaving you vulnerable to manipulation and abuse (see: bill.)

I've been going on for way too long now and I feel like I've only scratched the surface of the thing I wanted to elaborate on sorry. that post traumatic stress disorder can complex

[ovaruling]

low-impact exercise for women

hey gyns! every now and again i see some ladies asking about exercise resources that aren't an influencer-styled overstimulating end-result/image-focused mess. i'd say a fair number of us just want to get our bodies moving with intent, get our blood flowing, release some endorphins, and maybe build some strength.

no fitness trainer online is ever gonna be perfect, but i'd like to offer up Pahla B on youtube as an option to explore. she is a woman in her fifties who began exercising late in life, and has been on youtube for nearly a decade at this point. she specializes in low-impact workouts (no jumping, no floorwork or transitions to the ground).

my two cents of a rundown on why i prefer her channel, since a general wariness of fitness folks on youtube is good to have:

to reiterate, she specializes in moderate low-impact workouts. this means no jumping, no transitions to the ground. (her earlier workouts are not always low-impact, but she has recently in the last couple years redoubled her efforts to focus on strictly low-impact workouts.)

she has something for everyone: knee-friendy workouts without squats or lunges; shoulder/arm friendly workouts with no overhead moves; tons of full-length SEATED workouts; balance workouts; standing abs workouts; active rest; indoor walks, indoor runs, indoor walk-and-run intervals; equipment-free, or when dumbbells are involved she will often suggest that you can use water bottles or soup cans or whatever you have on hand... it goes on and on. her organized playlists are numerous.

her workout length (for the last year+) is reliably 20 minutes, including warm up and cool-down. she uses a timer, too, so you always know how long intervals are going to be.

she’s cheerful, easygoing, and talks constantly through the workout, from start to finish. this is great for those of us who need constant stimulation or focus reminders. she speaks to an audience of mostly middle-aged menopausal women, having conversations about mental and emotional and physical well-being, and each workout has a different topic with a focus.

she is a fitness trainer, but she’s pro-body neutrality. one of her running topics is "your body's gonna do what your body's gonna do." she talks often about this and it is extremely refreshing imo

no makeup or sexualization at all!

and she works out barefoot! she explains this as a personal choice and not to do it just because she is, but it lends a really relaxed casual feel to it. you don't have to spend ages getting geared up to work out--i've done her workouts in my pajamas before. it’s very “come as you are” which is nice 

demonstrates in a small-space workout setting. she works out on the length of a small rug, often with her pets nearby.

she tells you what to do for moves that you don't want to do--if you don't want to squat, she tells you substitute with a kick, and explains why that is equally as effective as a squat, so that you're not sitting there berating yourself thinking you're losing out on fitness gains by not forcing yourself to do something that your body isn't comfortable with.

she is big on moderation. never too much, never too little. she talks about finding what's right for you and your body.

she used to be a preschool teacher, and her coaching style reflects that. there's no harshness, no yelling, lots of flexibility, lots of care and walk-you-through-this-thought etc

she does not play music during her workout. this is great, because even though she's talking, i just play my own music a few volume-ticks below her so that i can still hear her and the timer.

she has a few videos where she has added some instrumental music and those are indicated by music symbols in the title. they are a rarity, but they're a nice change sometimes.

she debunks a lot of harmful trendy myths about nutrition, fitness, body image, and menopause.

also: many of her videos have titles that seem like weight loss clickbait, which may put a lot of you off. but i promise you the content is not Like That. if the video title is like "Burn Belly Fat!" i can guarantee you she's going to tell you why you need body fat, why a strong core is what you want and why a "flat belly" is a harmful myth, and how to reframe your thoughts to be about strengthening your abdominal muscles in order to strengthen the rest of your body. she does this in a soothing way imo--you can come into the video with a fixation on a certain body part that you want to spot-reduce (she will tell you why this is a myth, too) and you will get a maternal-feeling conversation that doesn't chastise you for this anxiety but instead offers you a different way of thinking about the way your body works and allowing yourself to become familiar with it through movement. in short, this woman talks you through it.

she often discusses why dissociating from your body makes you feel anxiety, and she emphasizes why workouts that are moderate help you EXIST in your body and allow you to be present in your movements. she refers often to  what she calls "the mind-body connection," not in a spiritual way but in the way of understanding that YOU are your body.

are you a runner who’s not comfortable outdoors? Pahla is an experienced runner and has a host of videos of indoor runs, where you can run in place or in a small space. some have walking intervals, some are straight runs. she has soooo many of them.

want to learn to run but don't have any experience/don’t know how to start safely? she has a series of videos for learning to be a runner that involves graduated intervals--like, 10 seconds of running, 30 seconds of walking. and then another video will be 20 seconds of running, 20 seconds of walking, and so on.

want to focus on building muscle? she has an entire 30-Day Body Shaping Series for Women that is meant to be repeated. it's strength-focused with some days that are low-impact cardio, and one "push day" per week where the workout is a bit tougher (heavier weights, but still low-impact) and slightly longer, meant to challenge you. the day after that is always an active rest day where the workout will be like a soothing stretch or a light walking workout.

like the idea of her but want something more challenging? she has a huge archive of older workouts that are TOUGH. truly, no joke, super tough. many are equipment-free, too. there are longer intervals/workout lengths (her longest that i've done was an hour!), high-impact (jumping, transitions to the ground), floor-work, high-intensity.

don't have 20 minutes? she has an archive of "the Hot 100" which was a summer series of 10-minute videos every day. she has a lot of 5-minute-fix workouts too that can be fit in to a busy day.

you can recommend her to the older women in your life. this is not a 20-year-old insta influencer who's been working out her entire life and is going to make your mother or grandmother or aunt or coworker feel alienated. this is a middle-aged woman--who began working out in her late 30s--who is making workouts for middle-aged women. it's FREE, there is a wide variety of accessibility-focused videos including seated workouts, and while the variety in general of her workouts is incredibly vast the format of her workouts for the last 2 years has been 20 minutes in length. and she focuses on topics that are relevant to women in their 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond. she also builds in like, 2 minutes of balance to each workout to aid in fall-prevention, and talks about how lifting weights benefits bone density, stress, strength, mood, etc, and why that's so important for women.

even if you're like, 18, the things she's discussing about menopause are worth knowing, for yourself and for other women in your life.

for reference, i have autoimmune issues, and fibromyalgia, and a separate central nervous system disorder. there are days when i can barely lift my arms for fatigue or pain. i have been working out ~with Pahla for 3 years now and it has been a lifesaver for maintaining my strength without doing anything over the top.

a little personal testimony: my mom in her 50s has really bad arthritis in her back, knees, and hands. she also has heart problems and is mostly sedentary due to chronic pain. as a way of spending more quality time with her and to help her with stress, we decided for both of us to take 20 minutes each day and do a Pahla workout. my mom could barely lift her leg when we started, but she liked Pahla's style and kept at it, doing what she could and substituting exercises she couldn't do with walking in place (one of Pahla's frequent suggestions). we did a lot of seated workouts after some of her, and my own, surgeries, when neither of us were able to walk or do load-bearing movements.

my mom can now almost squat. she can ACTUALLY almost squat. just from doing the little bit we do each day, just from keeping herself moving. no crazy crossfit stuff, no "30 day squat challenge!" nonsense. she just found herself growing a little bit stronger every day, and because she wasn't injuring herself by overexercising, she was able to keep showing up the next day. she is now the most active i have ever seen her in my entire life and her mobility has improved beyond anything she said she ever hoped for.

anyway. for any women on here who don't want to do the gym, who feel safer and more comfortable indoors, who like the idea of low-impact workouts that aren't brutal but are still going to challenge you, who are tired of the way online profit-pushing fitness trainer culture is going--this is a free resource that i think some of you might like, too.

[crying-fantasies]

Rodimus wasn't ready to be a creator (2)

Masterlist

Part 1 | part 2: Mental image | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8 | part 9 | part 10

"When I tell you about a good dinner, a peaceful evening and a pleasant night, what do you think about it?" His hand trails behind your ear, soft whispers leaving his lips while he has you seated in his lap, his tone, as sultry as it can be, is tender as far as it can be, the soft static that his supposed sun kissed skin transmitted was giving you goosebumps in a very good way.

Your mind goes wild, Rodimus can't eat even if he uses his holomatter, a peaceful night just goes along your own preference but when his voice hits full force when he says a pleasant night, normally the idea of sleeping next to him, holomatter or gigantic robot, is always welcomed, but you can feel him in many more ways than before, feeling his desire for you in this physical form and also in his tone, he isn't the best to flirt but even his clumsiness brings you such joy that pools in your lower belly, blood rushing where it's needed to show him your eagerness and your bashful expression that he takes with delight.

Gosh, it isn't the first time you have him like this, but he just goes the extra mile.

"What would you think if I tell you about the new tattoo that I designed by myself just for you?" Rodimus takes your hand in his, holomatter feels strange, the usual static is less compared to other times after some improvement in the programming and his face can show more expressions, his light brown eyes still kind of lack most of the life that is always show in his big, bright blue optics.

His words makes you almost spin around and faint, but your hand reaches for a gap in all his shirts to touch directly to his holomatter skin, he seems flustered and even surprised, but it has been years since you two started dating, it was only natural that you tried something by yourself for once, he looks pleased but also embarrassed.

"I'll say, that I really want to see it... and touch it" that's all it's need to have him moving his strong arms to get all the shirts off him before Rodimus returns to his assaulting eagerness, kissing you with utmost necessity while positioning himself over your body without breaking such intimate contact, pressing his hips to yours, strong hands and calloused fingers gripping the blankets under you to press himself harder to your soft body, almost every corner fitting together in a natural way, as natural as it can really be, a pleasant sensation that he can only achieve with the human mode, he still needs to show you his new tattoo but the one on his right arm is getting all your attention with the firm muscles under the artificial ink when he manages to get his hand under your coverings, your body vibrating with "is this love" in the background that is getting louder by the second, his body protecting you from the outside world while his long legs had the job of keeping yours open, making the contact even better, hotter, more everything.

"Guess that I can only obey your orders" and so he compelled, pushing as far as he could even with clothes on but not for long when your hands left his long brown hair to start getting your own clothes off, feeling your warm skin on his temporary form, feeling how the engines in his original body revving with abandon, realizing once again how good it was to change things a bit and explore new possibilities with you.

All new experiences that started and ended long ago, and even when it was like that, all new possibilities and results that came from it are still present.

As a result, maybe not by normal human standards or biology, your son.

"Uncle Domey"

"Oh, Blacksun, what are you doing-"

"Erase my memory"

"What?-"

"Erase it. Just. Do. It"

Your pretty much exasperated and awkward son.

Many in the ship have know the young bot since his protoform days, most of those days were mostly centered in not squishing the mother and sparkling duo that were as tiny as, well, organics.

Blacksun was white and gray then, fresh from the hot spot, optics and face plate recently molded, emitting beeping sounds now and then to get attention from any bot around, he was such a cute little thing.

Now that little thing was trying with all his might to get Chromedome's mnemosurgery needles out of his digits and put it in his helm.

"Wait a second! Blacksun stop right this minute!" Rewind arrived minutes later, also trying to stop the young bot that was so desperate to have his memory data erased that even tears were dropping from his optics, even Rodimus appearing in the scene.

"I beg you, please erase my memory!"

"Sunny, wait a second I just said-!"

"Stay away from me you old bot!"

Funny how a few words could be the detonator to such a response, to give it more sense the ship was now in Earth, after the discovery of a new orb, just to get some samples back to Cybertron and see if a new commerce product could be available since they were already near, it was the very first time since he was a sparkling that he put his pedes in the planet's surface, feeling how it resisted his weight, it was kind of strange as what was called grass also got under him, maybe he would need to clean it later.

Then, they were there, humans, a lot of them, many other mechs were almost running to meet certain humans that they already knew, everyone was chatting or interacting in some way, even Megatron was there talking to humans, it was endearing in some way.

"Glad to see that things are more natural between us" he already heard the sound of his creator approaching, placing a servo over his shoulder pad, yes, it was good, he wasn't online during the great war or many of the other incidents, he was merely a protoform for most of the late conflicts.

Humans were looking at them, curious little creatures but still keeping boundaries, they knew what he was, and even when another techno-organic was already roaming around here on earth seeing one close up was already a big thing.

Rodimus noticed his sparkling looking at the humans around and smiled, it has been a while, and exactly because of that he wanted to talk to his kid now.

"I guess that is really time to talk to you about engines and flowers"

...

"... Excuse me?"

"Well, now that you've seen an actual human after so long, you may have a few questions of how you were conceived"

How was Rodimus supposed to know that his dear sparkling already learned about human "culture and costumes" in order to prevent any misunderstanding in this journey? Funny that now Blacksun had quite the expression on his face plate, both servos near his neck as he was just so close to strangle him, because when he heard the word "conceived" the mental image was instantaneous.

"It's a joke, It's only a joke I swear! You know very well that you came from the hot spot in Automica!"

Too late, Blacksun was already on the run and he heard shouting from Chromedome and Rewind's hab suit.

Yeah, Rodimus just wanted to play a little with Blacksun and the, supposedly, little information that he had about organics, it never passed his processor that, just like his other creator, he could've quite the imagination especially if there was already some know data about it.

Ratchet called it "volatile imagination", apparently it was common among humans.

Blacksun didn't get his memory data erased, so the mental image was still in his archives since it would be even more horrible to have someone that he knew to see such an embarrassing thing, so he only could thing of many other ideas.

Meteor surfing.

Movie nights.

Yes, um, a fresh hamburger, with fries or some bacon-

"Hey Sunny, you okay now?"

"Stay away from me, I'm warning you"

Okay, this was going to take a while before he experienced something worst that could out win such mental image of his creators all "passionate" like the human media that he saw before that involved reproduction.

[j4y-lvr]

day flower (alternate ending) … park jongseong

SYNOPSIS. bent over the sink, coughing up petals and blood, you knew that your worst fears had come true.

PAIRING. jay x fem!reader

GENRE. fluff, angst, lovers2?, established!relationship (?), hanahaki au

WARNINGS. profanity, mentions of food, mentions of blood, quite a lot of kissing, possibly making out (?), one mention of loss of weight, graphic, mcd(?), death(?) !!not proofread!!

WORD COUNT. 1.6k (total :: 7k)

NOTE. i just wanted to write something sad and i came up with this,, idk why i chose jay to fit my mental image of this bc its so saddening to even imagine— EVEN THOUGH ITS SAD PLS DO READ😭‼ thoughts on an alternative ending?

Reblogs and feedback are highly appreciated!

iv. wither (alt ver.)

Jay felt like an ass to put it simply. On a deep dive inside his feelings revealed that he wasn't plainly bored at his current relationship rather bored with his stagnant work-life moreover his regulated stress load. Blown over he weighed on going over for the first time in weeks to apologise and win you over though his damage was severe.

The keys jingled in the near distance, jay slipping in through the door, watching as nothing had really moved around in the house. He contemplated on notifying you of his abrupt appearance, opting to slowly creep up the stairs. Unknown to you, you had started coughing again, the strength in your arms to cover your mouth non-existent.

Resulting in the blood coating you and the mattress in a painful fit of red as you sobbed heartbroken to yourself wondering where it went wrong, did he require more space, had you been more mindful would he still be at your side.

Jay stilled on hearing your heart wrenching sobs, the previous hesitance gone as he ran up the stairs and to your situation on the bed stained bed. Having forgotten about your coughing fit of blood through the apparent stress from the separation. 

His sight fell to the canvas in front of him greeting as you cough seized, your eyelids lugging over your glassed over orbs, jay getting to knees as he saw you covered in blood, his hand finding your paint ridden hand. You gave a weak chuckle, "if we ever meet again, I hope it works out then," you say, the diamonds leaving the comfort of your eyes and onto your crimson imposed self. 

Jay heaved from panic, "why didn't you tell me?!" He hurried exclaimed, his hand running down your arm to keep your burning vessel even warmer. Unbeknownst to him he'd been crying and you watched with low eyes close to shutting, your palm lifting up to his tear stricken cheek, "just know," you paused, shutting your eyes completely feeling the life get sucked out of your body. 

"i love you."

"I'm sorry! I was never bored with us to begin with, i wasn't in my right mind, i do love you!"

The reverting of branches in your lungs was faint heard as you experienced multiple waves of pain that had a different accent of beats in your heart, feeling yourself heal internally. Coughing, you requested, "say that again," you managed with your orbs clamping shut from the intermolecular forces shifting the branches out.

"i love you, i love you, i love you! I can't bare to see you like this i'm a real jerk, i'm so sorry darling,"

The corners of your eyes crinkled and you left the last of your sobs, turning away from him and curling into a ball, hiding away from him. He ran over to the other side of the mattress and hopped on, settling an arm over and rubbing your back as you hid in arms, sniffling.

"you're such a dick, i genuinely hope you know." you murmur loud enough for him to hear. Jay frowned and inched closer, clutching you harder, his free hand searching for your face, resting his palm on your cheek, continuing to caress it. "i'm sorry, i'm such a shitty boyfriend."

"elaborate," "on what?"

"on how you're absolute shit," "i'm that bad..?" "as of late."

Gripping your front out of the safe place you'd made for yourself, he brought you to his chest though the blood would stain his clothing, ruffling your hair not minding the blotting. Tugging you away, he brought you to his lips to which you refused, pushing yourself away. He wore a sad smile, "right, take your time."

May with diminishing hope for jay who hadn't given up on trying to win back your heart after crumbling it to pieces. He rented out a nearby apartment and would send you gifts and presents along with his handwritten letters every morning before he left for a tiresome day at work. Day after day, he'd leave them at your doorstep, leaving immediately after ringing on the doorbell.

Today was nothing different. At 8 sharp he'd drop by with a cap covering his face, items in hand, placing them in a hurry, needing to rush to work right after. Not once had you written a reply to his letters, finding it hard to write back to the man who threatened your own living from misjudgement. You watched through the small gap from the window, observing the way he fixatied his letter in the front with a weightsome sign.

He left rather slowly, drifting onto the pavement, shuffling away. Once a good few minutes had passed, you panned open the door, picking up the gifts and his handwritten letter signed up to you. You marvelled at his unwavering hope that you'd cave in even though a month without single response from you passed lestfully.

You placed them in the countertop, unfolding the letter, the usual contents consisting of little inserts of his recent updates and excerpts of his life without you. Though the one you held was shorter than expected, certain parts of the paper were spotted with water of what you suspected to be tears. Your concern spiked, hastily flipping the page over to reveal the written contents in his signature messy handwriting.

"i'll be giving up today. i'll be starting fresh elsewhere, far from here, you don't have to worry about running into me when you're out and about. finally, i'll be quitting my job, it was never for me, i'll go live a quiet life somewhere. I still love you and i will forever. live a good life without me and with someone who can treat you better than i ever did, my dear, yn." — once your shitty boyfriend, jay.

You front fell. This was what you were waiting for, so why were you clutching your mouth in a tight clasp, feeling tears escape your eyes? You didn't know how to take the news, dropping the heartfelt page to the surface, flipping open your door and on your sandals and kicking onto the sidewalk.

Walking in a sped up pace, the wet tears planted over your face, your hand wiping them away as you began jogging, taking a right turn advancing to sprint, spotting his rented out apartment right down the alley. Skipping up the metal stairs you stood before his front door, panting and sobbing all in one, stopping to think about the passcode.

Recalling it for his letter to you from the early days of April when he first bought the unit, stating it was your birthday if you ever felt the need to barge in and make yourself at home. You pressed down on the padded keys, beeping as you left and trailed over the numbers. You entered the last number and a harsh tone buzzed.

He left.

You collapsed to the floor, back to what was once his front door as you hugged your knees while tears ran down your face, clad in your pyjamas from your slumber. Footsteps echoed to your left and you couldn't give a damn as you continued to sob your heart out, grabbing your hair in frustration as you slapped your forehead from regret.

"yn?"

You peered up from your stained clothing and onto the figure who stood by your side. You scurried to your feet upon glimpsing at the stature of your boyfriend, running up to him as you collapsed into him, wrapping your arms around him. "dont leave," you uttered in a broken sob in the day at possibly 8:10am on an unsuspecting date for many.

His arms feel limp to his sides as you pull away softly, peeking at him from your teared eyelashes, solely to find him looking away from you and to the wall that faced you two, droplets of his own trailing down his cheek and onto the cold, hard floor. "no, please, look at me,"

"i can't,"

"please, jay," you voiced desperately, the man attempting to veer his head towards you, failing as he met you in the middle as soon as his eyes met yours, hanging his head low, crying.

Lifting up his head, biting down your lip, watching him refusing to open his eyes and gaze at you. You hesitated for a moment before you embraced him and let your head fall on his shoulder like in the past, your fingers clasping onto his, running another on his hair in a pat repeatedly.

Prying open his glassy orbs, he looked down at you on his shoulder, feeling your tears father and soak into his shirt. He sighed shakily, deciding to act on his desires, bringing you to him once again, just like the month where you rejected his lips, hoping you'd accept this time. If not, he'd leave without a trace.

Hesitation clouded his mind as he stared into your watering eyes. Sensing his present nerves, you slowly placed your palm to him, reaching into him, nearing his chapped lips. You stopped centimetres away, breathing out to his parted mouth. Sealing the deal, you lunged forward, yearning to lean into his touch, his fingertips gripping your shoulder setting to fire. 

You pulled away and breathing in and reached for him again, the lack filling with having, tilting into him as you deepened the kiss, the rushed sentiment healing your lonesome, listless heart with love. He broke off the connection, saliva dripping from the passion and heat between your mouths.

"do you still love me?" you queried, hoping for an affirmation. "yes, like i said, i will forever." "good because I didn't brush my teeth again,"

[hrodvitnon]

SEVEN DEADLY SINS-ABRAXASVERSE VILLAINS

(Some of these fit for multiple, but I'm choosing one that ties them together.)

-Ghidorah is Pride or Wrath. They fit very well with both traits-but if I had to choose, I'd go with Wrath.

-Apex is similarly aligned with both-but they are more Prideful. They wanted power and control, to wrest the Earth from the Titans. They tampered with forces they could barely understand and built a mechanical abomination in the image of the Titan's King to serve their ends. Beyond being a malevolent corporation, they were arrogant-they believed they were in control of their creation and their world, and they paid the cost.

-The Scarred Apes would be Envy. They covet what others have, what they once had-and they are angry that things are not the way they think it should be. (The difference between greed and Envy is resentment-Greed is wanting too much of something, while Envy is wanting something of someone else's and resenting that they don't have said thing. So Envy felt like a better fit.)

-Xenilla is ironically Lust. (Not because of anything sexual (that's the one thing they seek no knowledge on), but because of its other connotations. See, in the game Persona 4, the Lust Arcana is called the "Hunger Arcana"-which in a way is a perfect description of Lust. At its core, Lust is a Hunger for something; sex, power, blood, war, knowledge... An all-encpompassing, ever-consuming Hunger, a Need, for the thing you desire. Ergo, Xenilla is Lust because of its Need to gain Knowledge, its desire to Know, to satiate both its Hunger and its own desires.)

Gigan is Gluttony. He enjoys pain and destruction. He indulges in the pained screams and the horror he leaves in his wake, and a sorts of awful experiments. His followers indulge in pain and agony all sorts of horrible sensations for the sake of feeling them. (Gluttony is, fundamentally, Overindulgence. Not just of food, but anything. So I thought Gigan would be an interesting, yet still fitting, choice for this one.)

    So those are my choices. I don't know who I should connect to Greed and Sloth. (Apex works for greed, but I thought Pride worked better for them since they keep tampering with forces beyond their understanding. What are your thoughts?

---

Ooh, good thoughts! Pride is perfect for Apex what with the sheer hubris they displayed... and promptly getting shot in the hubris for their trouble. Hm, Sloth and Greed, let's see...

Greed feels appropriate for the Zmeyevich, especially the ones devoted to Ghidorah. Time for another unexpected lore dump!

Once they reach a certain age, let's say an average Zmeyevich begins to really want things, whether it's money or sex, and those who are passably human enough might use their charms to get what they want. A Zmeyevich might start a cult, taking advantage of the newfound religious fervor many people find themselves wrapped up in, developing a reputation for speaking to Titans which is not entirely untrue, as Zmeyevich inherit Ghidorah's telepathy to some extent (depending on how many are in one area, they can mentally transmit brief words or feelings or entire sentences). Assisting in the Zmeyevich's growing cult is a pheromone they can release that causes a swell of dopamine in their followers, making the Zmeyevich more attractive. Even a clearly inhuman Zmeyevich can be as attractive as Jason Momoa or Brad Pitt using that pheromone.

They can want followers, they can want money (easily obtained by gullible people with plenty of cash), they can want wives or husbands for the purpose of increasing the Zmeyevich numbers, which benefits Ghidorah's long-term plan for its half-human children. (Depending on the individual, this greed for spouses can overlap with sexual lust; Ghidorah wants lots of grandkids, so naturally its sons and daughters can be insatiable.) Some Zmeyevich, particularly those who aren't as inclined towards Ghidorah, still feel a greed for something like shiny trinkets or knowledge, resulting in collections like a dragon's treasure hoard, or they can be greedy for meaningful relationships. After all, Zmeyevich are half human and humans are a social species, so it's only natural that even Ghidorah's children want to have personal connections. Whether for benevolent or malevolent reasons depends on the individual.

Not entirely sure who Sloth would be...

[29pageshomestuckeveryday]

Homestuck, page 2,578

[S] Make her pay.

Song used: Crystamanthequins by Erik Scheele

Song commentary:

Erik Scheele:

Probably the thing I’m best-known for off of Volume 5, which is slightly ironic given how rushed it was. No kidding, I finished it up the night that Hussie was rounding up tracks to go through, and threw it in as a last-minute thing, “hey I just finished this can it go in??” deal. I mean, I’d had inspiration for it earlier, but never got around to making it until it was almost too late!

Yeah, this one definitely had inspiration. To answer a quick question you might have though, no, I didn’t know about the trolls beforehand, or what Hussie was going to do with the music. I didn’t even find out until Albatross Soup told me about it, a few weeks before it happened. Moreso, the inspiration came from a sudden image I had one night during the summer, in which Jade’s planet, at that time unknown, was highly unstable, and Noir had purposefully upset the balance in order to try and destroy her planet. So the entire first bit is her trying to save her inhabitants, while Crystalanthemums plays. The reason for having that motif, well, I’d had this very strong feeling that it should be Jade’s planet theme. So, it got used.

(The mental images of one of the kid’s planets getting broken/torn apart like I’d imagined still give me the shivers. I still love Hussie so much for creating a villain that actually did something upon gaining obscene amounts of power; rather than just retreating and launching some master plan, he actually went around and started doing shit with his powers. Not something you even really see in Hollywood villains nowadays, far as I know. The protagonists and antagonists are always very separated, no interaction between one or the other, nothing like what Noir does. At least, that was my experience at the time.)

As for the second bit, well, I’d wanted to make an “industrial, heavy action, stuff going to shit” remix of Perrybob’s Mannequin for quite some time, and it seemed to fit to transition over to that. In my head, the action was going to shift from Jade’s planet to LOHAC, where unspecific action was going to take place. I really don’t think I gave the Mannequin section enough time to develop, or really do much, but time constraints dictated I give the music over to the volume 5 collaborative -right then and there-, so it had to be cut off. Mannequin’s really great, though, you should give it a listen.

Also, as a sidenote, my like for Beck is rather shown in this piece, as is evidenced by my direct attempt to semi-recreate main beat in Replica to transition between the two sections. #MUSICSECRETSSSSSSSS

Author commentary:

[S] Make her pay is the culmination of Hivebent. It ties up what can be regarded as the few remaining loose ends in a rough and bloody collage of retributional actions, which all revolve around the brand-new star of the story, Vriska. This sounds like a joke, but it really isn't. If there's one thing we end up with at the end of Hivebent that we didn't begin with, it's the emergence of this figure as someone who's going to demand center stage from now on, and who won't take no for an answer, no matter how many times the narrative tries to point the camera at something else. This animation really couldn't do a better job of signaling this transition, since the apex of Hivebent revolves around not just one of Vriska's plot points, but two. One where she does something horrible, and another where she suffers horrible consequences for what she did.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Sorry, I lose my shit whenever I see that wolf head. The animation picks up right where we left off, when Scratch blew off Vriska's arm and took out her eye. Have we talked about this particular disfigurement yet? It's mentioned in the Pupa Pan parallels, but also it's the same disfigurement Jack receives in the other session, as a result of some mishaps with the clown doll John prototyped. Is this a "cursed disfigurement"? Is the fact that this happened to Vriska, as sort of a punishment by Scratch, meant to indicate that future realities would be cursed with echoes of this disfigurement as well? Did Scratch give her this disfigurement deliberately because he knew of its future relevance? Is it simple foreshadowing? Is there no correlation? What are the answers, when you can't definitively tell if one event takes place before another, or the reverse is true? Are these disfigurements taking place in a way that each is circumstantially simultaneous with the other? Scratch would probably say yes. The reason I know he would is because he's basically just a slightly more obnoxious and opaque version of the author.

The animation settles into a rhythm from here on, in a way that I think is pretty self-explanatory, even in static form. So there's probably not much to say about it. I think I'm going to try a brand-new trick. It's called "hiding the author notes margin" when I don't have anything particularly worthwhile to say. Oh, you don't think that sounds like the "coolest" idea I've ever had? Well, why don't you give it a shot first, see how you feel about it. I know I'm feeling pretty great about the plan already.

[Editor's note: highly irrelevant to anything in the flash, but I'm leaving this one in anyway] The author note margin suddenly returns on page 420, just in time for me to invite you to "blaze it." It's totally fine with me if you want to rip this page out of the book and roll a dank blunt with it. I won't call the cops. What? You think returning to writing page notes just to say this was actually dumb as shit? Fine, DONT blaze it. I'll try to do better, by sharing an urban legend with you, that I made up one time. If the clock strikes 4:13, you can say "Homestuck" out loud, if you want. But if you do, you will then have exactly seven minutes to smoke some weed. If you don't manage to do this before the clock strikes 4:20, I will show up and murder you. Don't tell any of your friends this, it will end in tragedy.

If it wasn't totally clear, here's what Vriska did. She psychically controls Tavros, who's a total chump and is easy for her to control at any time, for any purpose. She makes him use his psychic powers to commune with an animal. The animal in question is Terezi's pre-hatched dragon, who is psychically linked to Terezi, who is asleep. The dragon then controls Terezi to get up, sleepwalk through the woods, and stare directly into the harsh Alternian sun until she goes blind. Pretty good revenge, Vriska. I'm impressed. Or I would be, if I wasn't the one who thought of it instead of you. Oh wait, that just makes me even more impressed with it. Good job all around, everyone. Me and my OCs make a great team.

Getting contributions from other artists for animations was still kind of a new idea at this point. But the Flashes were still made with blazing speed, so the contributing artists had to work fast too, which resulted in a looser-looking art style similar to what I was working in. Still, opening it up to other artists who could invest more time individually into certain pieces really expanded the potential for how good some of these assets could look. So eventually some really strong examples started showing up, like this one. Making productions this way really widened the range of what Homestuck was capable of looking like. That range is about as broad as it gets, stretching from "complete and utter shit" all the way to "commercially produced, mainstream animation studio-grade." That escalation finally caps off with the Act 7 animation, which, for whatever else it might be, is the ultimate synthesis of Homestuck as a wildly escalating medium in the visuals department.

The neat thing here is that, though Vriska believes she's getting revenge, the dragon is actually managing to turn this into a boon for Terezi. Terezi hinted at this earlier in a conversation with Vriska, wanting to thank her for this moment, which Vriska didn't understand and just got frustrated about. The dragon is actually making her sleepwalk in two places: in the forest, and on Prospit. The animation sort of stylistically blends these two processions, toggling and fading between Terezi's real self and dream self as they stroll along.

They open their eyes in both places. Dream Terezi sees Skaia, real Terezi gets an eyeful of burning sun. This is what causes Terezi to wake up on Prospit. She's blind in both the real and dream worlds, but now that her dragon is in tune with her mind, she's taught how to see in other ways, making most use of those lessons on Prospit. By the time she wakes up back in the woods to discover herself blind, she can already "see" well enough to find her way back home. Her blinding isn't really the maiming Vriska was going for. It's a sense-expanding, mind-awakening event that Terezi feels improves her life, and it becomes an important part of her identity. So much so that to be "healed" would trigger a crisis of identity and depression.

There are a few little sprite-based battle vignettes sprinkled into the animation. Full disclosure? Stuff like this tended to be filler. Some of these songs were LONG. But I didn't want to cut them down too often. A lot of times it was hard to find meaningful ways to fill every single stretch of a song without just dropping some reasonably cool, reasonably on-topic moments to grab the eye, or to use on a transitional basis before moving on to another stretch of the song that marked the right time to start a more relevant cinematic sequence.

The way the art contributors worked as a group usually was pretty open-ended. A little in advance of starting an animation I'd say something like, "I don't really know exactly what this Flash needs yet, but probably just a bunch of generally cool battle stuff, like sprites and backgrounds, would be useful." And they did turn out to be useful. I almost always found a way to sneak everything in there, even if it was only onscreen for a couple seconds. It's one reason why a lot of these sequences end up being so dense.

A first glimpse of the Sollux vs. Eridan drama. A lot of these brief clips imply events that readers easily could have guessed were going to play out anyway. We knew Sollux and Feferi started dating. We knew Feferi was Eridan's ex, and we knew what his attitude was like. We don't even need to make a whole thing about it. The wrong play would have been adding another scene in Hivebent where Eridan was like YOU STOLE MY GILFROND YOU SCURVVY SCALAWWAG! All we need is this brief shot, and it's like, oh, yep, there they go, that figures. Sometimes these arcs include so much shit, it seems like maybe there's no real vetting process for which scenes and conversations go in and which don't? That ain't true at all. There's a real art to determining out of all this chaos what's worth showing, which conversations are worth printing, and which ones are best left implied or omitted entirely. I can't give you the guidebook to such decisions. Ya just gotta FEEL IT.

Props to Vriska's Megaman slide across the bridge. Again, this only exists here because one of the artists randomly decided to make that pose.

Aradiabot shows up to beat Vriska's ass down. And we see she's got two portable, floating time-travel devices, like Dave has. These are implied to be akin to his turntables, but they're made from the stuff she had available on her planet. So this shot establishes that she's been making the rounds through time. Doing what, though? We'll see. But whatever she did, it seems like she's done enough of it to decide it's squared away, and she's now at liberty to focus on settling an old score.

This all gets pretty savage. Probably the worst the story's presented so far, on a graphic-violence basis. Any time Homestuck moves the line a little further along any axis, it's basically saying, "This is also something the story can be." That goes for everything from the quality of rendering to the nature of the content. This fight pushes the line on Homestuck's capacity for brutality a little further. In that regard, this animation acts as another good transitional piece, paving the way for the tone of the rest of this Act. The Nastytimes are upon us.

When Aradia said, "Hey you wanna hit the boardwalk a little later?" I don't think this is what Vriska thought she had in mind.

Cue chorus from the "why the fuck does Tavros have long sleeves" choir. Good question. This is just one of the perils of having a bunch of artists working on this stuff quickly, without much time taken to vet all the assets for consistency. Is it really too far outside the realm of possibility he's got a black hoodie stowed away somewhere in that rocket chair?

I'd like to imagine she delivered an ice-cold one-liner before vanishing. Maybe something like, "Thanks for the present."

And we see this is the story of how Vriska awakened on Prospit too. You can look at the animation as telling as two parallel tales, in two different ways. Either as two tales of revenge revolving around Vriska, one where she delivers retribution and the other where she receives it. Or as two tales of awakening, one where Terezi wakes up in response to making the best of a punishment she probably didn't deserve, and the other where Vriska wakes up in response to being jolted from slumber by a punishment she probably did deserve. This is a funny and abrupt way to end this sequence. Sort of a nice, long-awaited reunion on Prospit, after the final score has been "formally evened." It probably results in a short conversation we don't get to see that is apologetic and conciliatory in nature. Maybe one of those rare moments, pre-retcon, where they just get to be good friends for a bit, unfettered by all the baggage, bad blood, and competitive bullshit. Unfortunately, this moment doesn't last long. Vriska's real body starts slowly bleeding to death, while she tries to convince Tavros to finish her off in her quest cocoon. Her dream self starts bleeding horribly too, to match the damage to the real body, in keeping with the "time limit" a player's dream self has before they can no longer be kissed back to life. Terezi watches her start to bleed here, and I'm going to guess she finds it a bit disturbing to witness.

Another observation: Vriska's dream self is healed, arm and eye intact. Terezi's is still blind though. There are some vague and unspoken rules concerning whether serious injuries transfer over to dream selves. A decent way of viewing a dream self is just as a dream-projection of the id. A collection of certain ideas about yourself, your identity. Vriska's injuries aren't an important part of who she is, and if they were healed, she'd be glad to be done with them. Terezi's blindness is a big part of her identity. In fact, she was blinded by the very process of her awakening, which, if you ask me, is a more than logical way of understanding how the injury was imprinted on her dream self for good.

Storyboards: http://readmspa.org/storyboards/02577.swf.html

[someoneimsure]

I saw that you like red wall(I've only watched the animated series), and I was wondering if you've also seen the secret of nimh?

Hell yeah I have! It's one of my favorite Don Bluth films, right next to the original Land Before Time.

Did you know the book and movie are two vastly different experiences?

The Book:

The Movie:

It helps that the book has no magical elements at all and is just showing the lives of rats with human intelligence--and of course Mrs Frisby and her sick son, Timothy.

Did you know that the original book was actually written and published in response to real life treatment of rats? Specifically, an experiment by John Calhoun from a real life research facility called National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)? The experiment is on overpopulation and how it affects the health and mentality of animals, with rats and mice natural being a general stand-in for humans. The results are actually horrific.

TL;DR: When space and available mates become scarce, animals stop reproducing and become depressed because they can't travel to find new mates and fulfill their purpose in life. No brainer, right?

Though... The research might be more applicable to studying potential problems from colonizing other planets that require us to create spaces for our species to survive. Humans tend to be one of the most adaptable species on the planet, even more adaptable than rodents since they have to evolve to fit the environments and humans just make machines that supplant evolution entirely, so the research might not be as helpful as we might like. Just another reason to can it entirely.

I have a question for you! <3 Have you ever heard of this book series?

If you really like the Secret of Nimh movie, I highly recommend checking this out. And if you really like Redwall and want something more grown-up and sci-fi, check out the book: Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of Nimh.

I can happily report that the Redwall series and the books are extremely similar, though Brian tends to add paragraphs of food descriptions. Where are they getting the milk, Brian?? Who are they milking!? Why are they baking things that need eggs, Brian?? Birds are people, too!

In the Redwall book, there's a lot of continuity weirdness. Scourge shows up in a giant horse-drawn carriage containing thousands of rats when later books have no horses and also the carriages are more badger-sized. It's an awesome image, though, so I can't complain. It's a real shame they didn't make a dark movie about it.

I caution you about some of the things Brian writes. He rarely has good "verminbeast" characters (and those usually are simpletons) and even characters that should be considered good are treated by the narrative as evil (Outcast of Redwall is a whiplash of emotions, let me tell you, and Triss and Taggerung are both basically Mary/Gary-stus respectively.) And some tropes are extremely repetitive. A lot of the villains are cartoonishly evil to an almost hilarious degree--even as a kid I was laughing at Gabool the Wild and his absolutely insane obsession with a bell.

I would recommend Martin the Warrior and the sequel Mossflower, Mariel of Redwall and the sequel Bellmaker, Marlfox (for the chaotic fox family), Pearls of Lutra (for the nuance in the cats), The Long Patrol (for the bunnies and actual nuance), and of course Redwall and the sequel Mattimeo for the best Basil Stag Hare moments. Outcast of Redwall is my personal fav, but my boy Veil was done dirty at the end there.

And if you like to read a story and universe similar to Redwall but is more linear and focused on one small cast, there's the Mistmantle Chronicles.

I am missing one book in the series so I can't say if it's all good. I find the lack of descriptors boring. These books are hard to find so I would just start looking for pdfs. Who knows? You might like the series better than I did.

[finelineborderline]

Hi! I uhm have not yet been diagnosed but I’m pretty confident that bpd is the answer to it all as shitty as that is. I’m almost more afraid for it to not be bpd cause nothing has ever made this much sense. But I’m really scared. And you’re in no way obligated to read this or respond but I don’t know. Just, do you have any advice for someone just now realizing and getting diagnosed with bpd?

hello, anon! first, i apologize ahead of time for how long this will be, but there's a lot i want to say. obligatory disclaimer that i am not a professional nor am i a qualified doctor to diagnose anyone, and these thoughts are mine and mine alone and do not constitute a professional's medical opinion/advice. all i can do here is speak my truth and explain my experiences with BPD in hopes that you and maybe others find it helpful.

second, at least with BPD, if you think you have it (i.e. you know you fit 5 or more of the 9 current diagnostic criteria), while of course obtaining a professional diagnosis is great, in this case, it's my personal belief that if you think you have BPD, there's a large chance you do have it. of course there will always be outliers, but for most people, pretending to have BPD or forcing a diagnosis just doesn't make sense. BPD is not something that makes people quirky and it makes life more difficult, not just from a personal standpoint as the person who has it, but the resulting reaction from friends, family, and even strangers you don't know and never will who have something to say on the internet. i don't know many people who'd lie about that and be okay with the negative stigma that persists around those diagnosed with BPD.

most (if not all) people with BPD don't want to have it, but understand they fit the criteria. with certain other mental illnesses and ailments, getting a professional to diagnose them is of course better than self-diagnosing, but i had self-diagnosed with BPD for years before i ever ended up in a psychiatric ward because i 5150'd myself and got professionally diagnosed with BPD. i had quite a strong hunch i had BPD years before a professional came to the same conclusion - but not in a "oh my god yay i'm so glad i have this horribly debilitating illness, woo!" more in a "holy fuck this all makes so much sense, and i wish it didn't, but i know myself, and i know that this is what i have". and getting the professional diagnosis was great in the sense of getting that final confirmation, but even without it, i'd have still considered myself as someone struggling with BPD.

it's okay to be scared. i think i'd be scared of you if you weren't scared - i was downright terrified when i figured out that what i'd been feeling, dealing with, doing, could be attributed to BPD. i hated it, wished it was something else, but the more i read, the more i watched, the more i took notes, the more i realized that BPD was the answer to a question i wish i didn't have to ask in the first place.

before i was diagnosed, i took notes as if i was in a class about BPD. i wrote down the criteria for a diagnosis, and put a check next to every one i fit into with specific notes of how and why i felt i checked that category. chronic feelings of emptiness? check. emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events? check. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment? check. unstable self-image/sense of self? double and triple check. impulsive and damaging behavior in regards to spending/sex/substance use/reckless driving/binge eating? i did all of those things, where only 2 were required to hit this bullet point. quadruple check. anger? checkity check check. unstable interpersonal relationships? fucking check. suicidal behavior/threats? check. paranoid ideation/dissociative symptoms? check. i hit all 9 of these and it "only" requires 5 to hit the diagnosis. so for me, i knew i had it because like you, nothing else made this much sense.

and you know what? i fucking hated it. i got angry at myself for being so fucking broken that my personality had apparently shattered somewhere in early childhood due to my trauma and left me with a gaping, angry hole that i had constantly tried to fill with something, anything. i was beyond angry, i was seething with rage. why did it have to be fucking me? why? i still grapple with "why me?" on the daily with my BPD. i didn't want BPD to be what made sense, but it did. and while i am still incredibly fucking angry with my diagnosis, i've also reached a level of resignation about it. almost a sense of radical acceptance.

my advice is gonna sound fucking stupid because i know how hard much of it is to do and a lot of it takes serious introspection, patience, and kindness (to yourself). my advice would be to truly try to practice self-compassion, self-love - when what you want to do is beat yourself up internally over anything - having BPD in the first place (hell, even thinking you have BPD in the first place), or something you did/said in reactionary anger/rage/sadness/impulsiveness, something you didn't do - anytime you want to emotionally flay yourself over this, the best advice i can give you is to practice the skill of forgiving yourself. of giving yourself compassion to learn and grow as a human who is struggling with something very difficult to live with.

and i'm going to be upfront with you - most times, you will fail. you will not give yourself the compassion, love, and kindness you truly deserve. it's hard to break the cycle of self-rage, hard to convince yourself that you're worth recovery, worth getting better, worth learning to live with BPD and all it entails. but there WILL be times where you catch yourself in moments of compassion and acceptance. they might be few and far between, and they might not feel like much at first, but with time and practice, you will notice moments that you are less critical of yourself and your perceived failures relating to BPD.

for instance - i've been in DBT for a few months now. some of it really doesn't help me specifically (some "action steps" just don't work), but there's a few things that have been pivotal to my growth and have helped. one of those being the not-so-simple act of radical acceptance. of forgiveness. of understanding that you are not the worst person to ever walk the face of this earth, no matter how much your brain will try and try and try to convince you that you are. i have caught a few very very very SMALL moments where i've internally said to myself "well, it's okay that i failed there" or "alright, so i didn't do XYZ, i'll move on and do better next time" instead of beating myself up emotionally/internally over it. and the first time i noticed that happened, a tiny light bulb went off in my head. it was weeks and weeks into my DBT, where i felt i wasn't seeing any changes in myself. but that one, tiny instance where i showed myself compassion? it gave me a faint spark of hope that maybe BPD isn't the death sentence i so often feel it is. and i still do, in a lot of ways, and i'm working to try to manage and cope better, but it's not smooth sailing and more often than not, i am being mean to myself, or unforgiving. but my advice is to try to be aware of those moments, whenever they may come, where you can sense yourself forgiving yourself or being nicer to yourself than you otherwise might have been.

i'm not gonna bullshit you and act like learning to live with BPD is a walk in the park, or that somehow after DBT (should you choose to ever go that route) will result in you being "cured" or "fixed" - at least in terms of DBT, it's not a cure so much as it is trying to instill new habits and coping skills that you will strengthen by repeated use and practice. (and remember, practicing a skill still counts even if you fail to correctly use that skill. practice does not mean you always do things right/correct, it simply means you tried.)

again, it's okay to be scared. please allow yourself to feel that emotion. but leave room for that fear to dissipate at times, leave room to challenge that fear on occasion.

most of all, allow yourself to be. however you feel isn't bad. emotions are messengers, so next time you're angry, ask yourself: what is my anger trying to tell me in this moment? if you're sad, ask yourself: what is my sadness trying to convey? with repeated practice, perhaps you can identify triggers for certain emotions.

practice observing how you're feeling physically in your body, and remember that emotions are not facts. and remember that emotions will come and go, no matter how much your brain will convince you they won't.

that's all i've got for you now, but to you and anyone else who made it this far down - my inbox is always, always open, for anyone and anything. you don't have to be alone. we can be alone together, and i'm just a message away.

[noellesmind]

Why men are more often supporters of the patriarchy

Recently, someone tried to convince me how women (beginning from Eve) have been more easily deceived by the immoral distractions and why it’s wrong to support women in their struggle to eliminate the patriarchy. This wasn’t the first time, I have come across this narrative lots of times:

‘Men build the society, men build the family system. Women support “degenerate” things like feminism, promiscuity and LGBT, ending up normalising them. It leads our society to destruction.’

So… maybe this really needs to be said. Why do more men support the patriarchy? Why should neither men nor women support it?

1: The roles have different degrees of freedom

As much as patriarchy sets a rule for both men and women, there is an obvious disparity between the freedom and liberty that the two enjoy. While men are the “keepers of women”, women end up as meek and submissive figures that are far too easy to exploit. I am not against women submitting to their husbands per se, but the submission of a woman is earned through trust and following God’s word. Someone who doesn’t fit within this doesn’t deserve the obedience of a woman, nor does a woman have to submit because the Bible says so. Ultimately, it’s individually her choice.

But so to speak, while men are expected to be high-achievers and maintainers, they do indeed get to set standards around their house and aren’t really expected to spend much time in actual servitude of another. They enjoy financial liberty as opposed to women, and they would gladly come back to a cooked meal and a woman to cater to their other needs.

The sort of work that a man does also lies up to him. He has a lot of options and he can easily choose one to earn means while fostering his interests. But for women… not so much. The only option that a woman has by the end is to give up her individual identity, take over her husband’s name as if she belongs to him, and look after the house and the children.

Not only does this limit her choices, it also suppresses her individual prowess, something that could have allowed her her own identity in the world, something more than just the wife and mother of somebody.

Even if a woman might choose to build around her own identity by working as something more than a homemaker, her motherhood is often questioned.

If men are great fathers for maintaining balance between their work and home lives, and finding time for their family while simultaneously keeping up the work, why is it the bare minimum for women? Better still, why are women ostracised for something that would result in praise for men?

2: Men often fail to realise the ramifications of what they support

I have come across lots of men choosing to support patriarchy because they feel their “masculine urges” upon seeing scenes like these:

Somehow, that’s supposed to be an indicator that they’re “man enough”. Well sweetheart, I am a straight cis woman with absolutely no gender dysphoria or sexual attraction towards females, and I still feel that “urge” you describe.

Except again, I realise that what true masculinity is far too different than this ideal image people have in their minds. When it comes to “masculinity”, it involves foregoing interest in your own mental health, even at the risk of suicide. It involves foregoing material interests, pushing your physical and mental health to the utmost threshold, setting the standard by doing something out of the ordinary.

Yet, the pinnacle of masculinity on Quora is a particular guy with a Thomas Shelby profile (hem-hem, we know who we’re talking about) who has accomplished absolutely nothing throughout his life except for a potential sex offending crime, a whole long list of whiny posts that sometimes may apologise or romanticise rape, and a generally poor reputation in the eyes of anybody with more than two braincells.

Sorry my dear sigma guys, while you may have the highest degree of pleasure watching Oppenheimer and Thomas Shelby, while you may have the dearest desire of setting up a nuclear bomb and walking past its flames, you have a very, very poor and limited view of what masculinity really means.

I would leave it up to that, because those guys that see themselves as the protectors of masculinity are well-aware that in a situation actually demanding a life-threatening response, they would be the first to cower away.

3: Comparing the ideal vs the real

To the want-to-be-traditional women, I am sorry but if you have such scenes in your mind:

I am rather displeased. Do you feel this is the reality for majority of the women that choose the life of a traditional housewife? No, no, absolutely not!

I am supposed to get “feminine clicks and instincts” upon seeing these ultra-feminine depictions, and truth be told, I do. But in retrospect, I found the thought of lots of idealities extremely gratifying, that was until I put them into play. Say for example, two years back when I read ‘Twilight’ by Stephanie Meyer (a very uninteresting read), I could feel within my bones, the similar way you feel you’re such a woman, that I am a vampire.

For the eleven year old I was, I didn’t find any interest in the romance part of the book. I was more intrigued by the part of the vampires and the werewolves, and I direly needed to validate myself as one. So off I did. I made a routine that required me to sleep at 4 in the morning and wake up in the early afternoon (I stopped going to school after 7th year, so this routine wasn’t much of an issue for my schedule). I had to give that up within two days.

Majority of the “ultra-feminine” or “ultra-masculine” influenced people hardly ever realise that these scenes they create are not the reality. Heck, if you want to compare the ideality, look at this and tell me how you don’t wish to do this too:

If the top, elite class was the reality for everybody, life as everything could be amazing! Except it’s not. While work in the corporate, especially in women’s case, is portrayed as a very “tiring and exhausting experience”, “working for an employer that doesn’t care for you”, even “pour coffee for the boss instead of your spouse” as if that’s the only thing women do… working as a housewife is glorified without ever taking account of the reality!

4: Extra point about self-contradictory and spiraling arguments made by patriarchy sympathisers

A 15 year old girl in my class wished to become a mother. All teachers of my school, as well as the clergy of the church my school is associated with, fought tooth and nail to convince her how “babies don’t give love, they take and take and take”. Yet, this same point brought up by an adult woman to deny the responsibilities of motherhood, is responded with “Why wouldn’t you want babies? They’re such lovely gifts of the Lord!”

Contradiction is the finest element of patriarchy, the only thing that it stills stands upon.

[bandofchimeras]

shame

read the joan didion self-respect essay. yeah. owning fuckups, life, w grace.

i think church could have taught that, but instead it taught paranoia, fear, one-upping, image maintenance.

family, too, failed this lesson. then leftism. at the end of the day, all institutions and groupthink will fail because self-respect must be taught by elder, by example, or learned alone and hard won. what have i learned from every space is that truth holds up a mirror to what no one wants to see. and if you grab the mirror of truth and hold it up, then you will become the mirror to others and people will treat you as the thing you show, ceasing to see you. and i've not been mentally strong enough to handle that. to insist, there is someone beneath the mirror. an aliveness with its own power to create, not only reflect. today i also watched a video on self-compassion and shame.

this man saying, shame is the desire to be loved, upside down. whew. lately my greatest fear has been to love myself.

knowing my moments and qualities of arrogance, ignorance, weakness, my desire to go with the crowd or throw everything away for approval. to love a pathetic and snivelling self, out of a lineage with many aspects I am frankly not proud of. what i misunderstood, is that love is not approval. love, that broad deep river, that plain stretching out endless into the sky, the same as a preference, a like, or a nod. approval and witholding, have nothing to do with love. and so by witholding love from self, from the shameful side of that self, until the superego approves of it all....love will never arrive that way.

morality isn't life. everything you hate about someone contains the kernel of what you like, the good and the bad can't be pulled apart to create perfection and undiluted evil, but rather what is fed changes the shape of what one considers good, or evil. if you feed delusion and ego, you see monsters of evil where perfectly average human beings stand, and good in gluttony, rage, theft. life isn't reducible to what you like and dislike. life, strange, horrible, bending, twisting everything you thought would happen, surprising or dulling the senses, life is some wild thing beyond control.

the only response that allows freedom is presence, attention, decision, action. in the essay (which really loses palatability for the bit about the "Indians"), Didion quotes that "people with courage can live without reputation."

I have been so sickeningly worried about people disliking me, getting cancelled or ignored or written off or treated wrong, as a result of early learning to break myself down to fit the will of a caretaker. to be the good kid, the oldest, an example. learning even my emotions could not be safe in private journals, that no matter where i turn there is a world of misery and control. i must find someone to approve of me, and shape me, and tell me what is real - trusting my inner compass, becomes a horrible dangerous sin. growing up in high-control groups, when that control is removed, you are likely to mishandle your freedom, then revile and reject your mishandling, blame yourself, and seek escape or maybe some new form of control. addiction cycles, dependency.

of course to be human, is something else entirely than to be correct and stay in the lines drawn for you that separate you from the other warm and curious bodies, portal minds, the being of other humans and the deeply living environment. to be alive is something no one understands. magic, mystery, horror, delight. making and creating reflections of art is the most natural response to this. so its healing - to get in touch with one's personhood, agency. to create is as natural as to feel, desire, hunger. "i'm not good enough" misplaces the purpose of life and art as being good & impressive when being impressive is in fact an occasional byproduct of presence + discipline, while being fawned over can reflect that or the bias and preference of your peers. good old Taoist parable - to create the highest form of art one must forget praise and blame. the point of living isn't to be "good" at it, its to do something you respect, something interesting. - Toni Morrison, Aiyana Goodfellow, Ismatu Gwendolyn. what a shift in headspace. i hope it sticks this time.

[wormsbestland]

incremental video game...

interesting genre but not something I found engaging to play. The concept of incremental growth, return on investment, a fantasy of accruing great power through logical steps laid bare... is something I can recognize the appeal of. I've gotten pleasure from management of systems and the incremental improvement of these systems in Minecraft. I loved farming in that game. I liked the mods that automated farming (everything from wheat and sugar to copper and cobblestone) through industrial machinery or magic rituals. I've gradually lost any sense of accomplishment from menial labor resulting in inventions for optimizing itself. I think this is because I've developed such a mental resistance to menial labor in general (at least when it's mental work). Developing video games has been similar. For me, programming started with taking solutions to other people's problems and roughly fitting them into my own scenarios. This led me to learn enough to create my own solutions, making them more efficient for future efforts. This led to refactoring, thinking ahead enough to create solutions that would be malleable and broadly applicable for my future needs. Programming a new game idea is a self-optimizing, incremental learning process.

Maybe the reason why I can't find pleasure in incremental games is that I'm burned out on the process. The paperclip game seems to lead somewhere interesting but I don't have room in my attention span for clicking buttons and interpreting these numbers and words as something aesthetically meaningful. I really don't fault the game and I wouldn't discourage someone from making an incremental game on the account that they're boring... I just bounced off this genre so completely that I have very little insight on it.

For me a video game is sentimentally about an image you can move through. The only solace I find in a video game these days is something with a visually represented environment that encourages curiosity in the person traversing it. The environment encases narrative information with unresolved intentions. There's a mystery, or something in the distance, a hypnotizing light or silhouetted figure. You move forward because you couldn't stand exiting the game and not knowing the point of it all, or what's around the corner, or what's at the end of the tunnel. This needs to be visually represented in some form beyond a slideshow to really exemplify a video game with transcendent or transportive qualities. I know it's kind of single-minded, but it's the only way I'm able to engage with video games right now.

So I'm not able to relate to putting a lot of time into incremental games and then having some kind of gamer’s remorse… I do think about the issue though, of putting time into something you later feel was unmemorable or unhelpful. I spend a lot of time on Instagram and Twitter feeds. Once in a while I’ll learn something and feel informed. Or see something and feel inspired. It’s sort of a continuous gamble, where as I scroll and pass things that awaken nothing in me, I’m anticipating the next thing to be exciting enough to satisfy my craving. I imagine addictive games are similar. Once you expect dopamine from something, it doesn’t matter that you find the process boring on a conscious level. These games are well-structured in a way that, once you give them a chance, you’ll learn at a subconscious level that enough idling will reward you. It’s a very stable source of satisfaction given the measured pacing of rewards between a simulation of work. I don’t think people should play incremental/management games like Factorio unless they’re at a retirement stage of their life, personally.

[nothing-more-than-hot-leaf-juice]

We don’t talk enough about “The Beach” in terms of Azula (long essay) 

Okay so, I have not stopped thinking about this episode and how it reveals Azula’s entire self image and how it foreshadows her breakdown. So here’s a deep dive: 

We start the episode off with this premise: for the first time in the series we get to see Azula as a normal teenager. We’ve seen her in combat, we’ve seen her as a political force to be reckoned with, and we’ve seen her within her messed-up family. But in this episode we’re seeing her on vacation. From the beginning of the episode, we think that it’s going to be Zuko on edge (”doing nothing is a waste of time, we’re being sent away on a forced vacation”) and Azula enjoying her time off (”lighten up, so dad wants to meet with his advisors alone, without anyone else around. Don’t take it so personally”). But that doesn’t exactly happen. While by no means does Zuko have an easy time on their ‘forced vacation,’ the episode reveals Azula’s weakness and hidden insecurities and foreshadows her breakdown in the series finale. 

The first thing to consider is what we already know about Azula: we know she’s dangerous, a protegee at firebending, politically charismatic, and ruthless. We know that people will side with her if she wants them to (Ty Lee chooses her over the circus, Mai chooses her over her family, the Dai Li choose her over Long Feng, and Zuko chooses her over Iroh). From her introduction, we know she’s the preferred sibling under Ozai and that she knows that. She’s confident because of that. She knows that she’s chosen over Zuko because she wasn’t banished or burned. And in season 3, she’s still winning because if the Avatar’s alive, then Zuko will be the one to suffer the consequences. She’s playing the game of Fire Nation politics and she’s winning. 

But in The Beach, all fire nation politics are cast aside from the first minute of the episode. While we think that Azula will be competent and charismatic here as she is everywhere else, that ends up not being the case and it reveals her hidden vulnerabilities. 

Another thing we know about Azula is that she’s competitive. Her whole life she was conditioned to think in these terms as her father schemed his way onto the throne and constantly compared her and Zuko (and when Zuko got banished it signified to her that she had firmly won that competition and she was worthy of her father’s ‘love’). And in previous episodes, this competitive streak has  worked in her favor. Her ‘eyes on the prize’ approach let her conquer Ba Sing Se, defeat Aang, and convince Zuko to side with her. But The Beach offers a new territory: one entirely dependent on her personality. And she still views it as a competition, but this time she’s not the clear winner. 

They arrive at the beach and for the first time in the series, people aren’t praising her as royalty or fearing her as an adversary, instead she’s treated like a normal person. We saw this with Zuko in season 2 when he was masquerading as an anonymous Earth Kingdom refugee in The Cave of Two Lovers or Zuko Alone (where people offered him their home and food when all they knew him for was his actions) and when he was masquerading as Lee/Li (where he was offered a position as a Freedom Fighter, treated as a normal tea shop worker, and went on a date with a girl all on the basis of his personality), but we’ve never seen this with Azula. In this episode, she’s relying entirely on her personality to navigate this teenage social world and she doesn’t get the results she expects. 

From her perspective, her friends and brother are succeeding in this environment way more than she is and that makes her extremely uncomfortable. From her perpsecive, Mai and Zuko are completely fine spending time with each other and Ty Lee is getting the attention of half a dozen guys at once. But Azula doesn’t fit in. She sees this whole ‘Being a Teenager Thing’ as a competition that she’s loosing.Ty Lee and Mai are invited to a party and she’s cast aside. Ty Lee attracts the attention of half a dozen guys and the guy she complimented just ignores her. People at the party leave her alone when in reality, she wanted to come in order to see what it would be like for people to treat them as normal. And in a normal setting, she’s rejected. 

Azula has her comfort zone and that comfort zone is winning. There are four instances in the episode where we see her comfortable and confident that reveal how she depends on her combat and political skills for her self image. The first is when she’s being ignore while her friends acclimate to the beach social scene. She demands that they play in a game of volleyball because one, she needs to be in charge in order to feel in control of the situation and two, she thinks that there’s a clear path from winning the volleyball game to gaining social acceptance. This is a thing she can do. She knows she’s physically capable and thinks if she can do this, then she’s succeeding at the whole ‘Being a Teenager’ thing. And she does succeed. We see the victory make her feel better about herself because she winning (”yes, we have defeated you for all time, you will never rise from the ashes of your shame and humiliation... well that was fun”).

The second time we see her comfortable is after she kisses Chan. From her perspective, part of succeeding at the whole ‘Being a Teenager Thing’ is attracting guys, like Ty Lee, and being in a relationship, like Mai and Zuko. This isn’t necessarily something she actually wants, but it’s something that she perceives as an element of winning. So she plays the part of ‘pretty girl who laughs at unfunny jokes’ and kisses the guy she wants to kiss. This is a win in her books and she has her moment of comfort: 

“Together, you and I will be the strongest couple in Fire Nation history. We will dominate the earth!” 

From the offset, this is just a joke at Azula’s expense like the previous one was, but it says a lot about how she views her self-worth. Her default comfort zone is ambitious, political, militaristic. This is her ‘normal’ and when she thinks she’s finally figured out this whole ‘Being a Teenager Thing’ by kissing this guy, she tries to branch over this false persona she’s constructed to please this guy to her actual self and when that happens, she’s rejected and it hurts her. 

The third moment of comfort is during the campfire scene where Azula sees that, no, unlike what she originally thought, her friends are actually dealing with their own issues and aren’t doing so well. What this means to her is that maybe she is winning. Maybe they’re better at the whole ‘Being a Teenager Thing,’ but they have these other issues: neglect, insecurity, and self-hatred and she tells herself ‘I don’t have those problems, so clearly I’m the one winning here.’ She drags out the issues of her friends because she wants to know that no, they aren’t doing as well as she thought they were. She slow claps and says “well, those were wonderful performances everyone” and we see that she feels better in this small group where she’s the one not screaming and crying about her problems. And this is mean, but it’s undeniably rooted in insecurity. Azula needs to feel like the most competent person in the room. She needs to feel in control because she’s grown up in an environment where being the ‘weak one’ meant getting your face burned off and banished. Azula can’t afford vulnerability. She’s never been able to afford vulnerability, so she surrounds herself by people she can control. And so long as she holds the reigns, so long as she’s perceived as the strong one, it means she’s okay. 

But the thing is she does have those problems. Because after those first two moments of comfort, she gets rejected for who she is. She’s not invited to the party because people think she’s intimidating and weird. Chan leaves after he kisses her because she reveals her true colors. There’s only one other episode where we’ve seen someone actively reject Azula’s personality and there’s a moment of vulnerability where she reveals how that rejection shaped her self-image: 

“I could sit here and complain about how our mom liked Zuko more than me, but I don’t really care. My own mother thought I was a monster. She was right of course, but it still hurt.” 

Azula hasn’t had to think of herself in terms of her personality in years because the last person who valued her as a person, not as royalty or a weapon, was her mother. And her mother saw faults in her. Her mother wondered aloud what was wrong with her. Her mother didn’t like her as much as she liked Zuko and that’s something Azula internalized, even if she was able to mask it up with apathy and cruelty. After Ursa left, she was the unequivocal favorite child. She was the talented one. She wasn’t dishonored or banished like Zuko and she held onto that victory because ‘winning’ the competition of ‘favored sibling’ was the closest thing to love that she got. It didn’t matter who she was as a person, it only mattered that she got results, so she focused all her energy there and came out victorious. Her friends stayed loyal to her out of fear for the most part and she knew it, that’s why she had the circus set Ty Lee’s net on fire and why she guilted Mai into not trading her brother for Bumi. She’s convinced herself that “fear is the only reliable way” because she’s never been shown that people can love her for herself. 

The fourth moment of comfort is when she’s commanding the destruction of Chan’s party. In this moment she said ‘screw these people, I’m superior and I know it. I’m the princess of the Fire Nation, I’m stronger, and they are nothing in comparison to me.” 

This is the mentality she’s been conditioned with for years and by the end of the episode, she defaults to it because it makes her feel strong whereas in reality, she failed at the whole ‘Being a Teenager Thing.’ People didn’t like her. She was rejected for the first time in a long time.

And her greatest fear is this rejection. We see it in the Zuko Alone flashbacks, we see it when Mai and Ty Lee betray her in The Boiling Rock, and we see it when she banishes everyone closest to her in Sozin’s Comet. She anticipates rejection and she acts to snip out the people who can reject her before it happens. 

And the tragedy is, it ends up not being enough. Mai and Ty Lee don’t choose her. Ozai decides to leave her out of the invasion. Zuko takes the throne. There’s no longer her father there to please and no more commands to give. For years she was confident and charismatic because she was in control and in the game of Fire Nation politics, she was winning. For Azula’s entire life, winning that game meant you were worth something and losing it meant that you were thrown away. While she was in control of those around her, while they feared and worshiped her, it meant she was winning. 

But the rejection she faces in The Beach foreshadowed her ultimate downfall because when all her influence and control was stripped away, she was all alone. 

[troquantary]

Edward Cullen: That Boy Ain’t Right

So I was doing a reread of @therealvinelle 's collection of Twilight metas, as one does, and in "Edward, Denial, and a Human Girlfriend" she mentions that she doesn't believe Edward is sane. I thought, "ha, yeah, he's definitely not," and also, "but wait, what does that mean exactly, please say more about that." But since she's already inundated with asks, I've decided to use my own head-muscle and explore this idea. (TL;DR: I start out more or less organized, synthesize some points Vinelle has made across several posts (and have hopefully linked to them all where relevant but please tell me if not), touch a little on narcissism, then take a hard left into the negative effects of being a telepath.)

Just a couple things to note at the outset, though. Theses have been written already (probably) about Edward as an abuser. Edward being insane doesn't negate that at all; he's definitely an asshole and just...a disaster of a human being. (I find it more funny than anything, but YMMV.) I'm also going to try to avoid talking specifically about mental illness and how it relates (or doesn't relate) to abusive behavior -- that's territory I'm not really equipped to discuss, like at all. My starting point is "Edward has a deeply warped perception of reality," not "Edward has X disorder."

So: deeply warped perception of reality. The evidence? Goes behind a cut, because my one character trait is Verbose.

Vinelle provides a great example of it in the post linked above, which I'll just quote because she does words good: "[Edward] keeps acting like his romance with Bella is a romantic tragedy, and all the cast of Twilight are actors on a stage making it as sublime as possible." Edward's the one to pursue Bella, but he does so with the full belief, from the very beginning, that it will never last; Bella will "outgrow" him, go on her human way, and he can spend the rest of eternity brooding magnificently over his too-short romantic bliss. [Insert premature ejaculation joke.] Turning her is never an option, even though Alice, Noted Psychic, says that romancing Bella will either end with her dead (exsanguinated) or dead (vampire).

This framing, where he's a dark anti-hero in love with -- but never tainting! -- the pure maiden and eventually leaving her in a grand, tragic sacrifice to preserve her soul? It's fucking bonkers. Bella isn't a person to him in this scenario. As Vinelle points out, Bella's never really a person to him at all; he falls in love with his own mental construct, cherry-picking from what he observes of her behavior and her responses to his 20 (thousand) Questions to convince himself that she is the ideal woman.

Bella's not the only one who gets the projection/cardboard-cutout treatment. Edward sees everything and everyone through a highly particular, personalized lens. He filters his entire reality, which we all do to an extent, but the thing with Edward is that he starts with his conclusions and then only pays attention to the evidence that supports those conclusions. Often that evidence consists of what he admits in New Moon are only "surface" thoughts -- but recognizing that limitation doesn't keep him from taking those thoughts as representative of what people are. Edward then becomes absolutely convinced by his own "reasoning" and won't be swayed from what he has decided is Objectively True. It's obvious with Bella; it's also painfully obvious with Rosalie. (Vinelle explains this and brings up Edward's raging Madonna/Whore complex in the same post, so refer to that again -- she's right.)

He also catastrophizes. Everything. Bella's just vibing in her room, rereading Wuthering Heights for the 87th time? She's gonna be hit by a meteor, better sneak into her room while she sleeps. Bella's going to the beach with the filthy mundanes their human classmates? She's gonna fall in the ocean. Jasper's cannibal pals are stopping by for a visit, but know not to hunt in the area? DISASTER, DEFCON 1, ALSO FUCK YOU JASPER FOR EVEN EXISTING IN MY AND BELLA'S SPHERE YOU UNSPEAKABLE BURDEN. Edward must believe that Bella is vulnerable and in near-constant peril, to support the reality he has created in which he is the villain turned protector and maybe?? hero??? (!!!) for his beloved. So when the actual, James-shaped danger arrives, he goes berserk, snarling and flipping his shit and generally not helping the situation. His fantasy demands that Bella remain human, so instead of doing the very thing Alice, Noted Psychic, assures him will neutralize the threat (and not just a threat to Bella, either, but to Bella's family and any other human James might decide to include in the "game"), he vetoes it immediately, no discussion. Bella Must Not Turn, and he sticks to those guns despite James nearly reducing her to ground beef, despite leaving Bella catatonic with depression (but human! success!) in New Moon, despite Aro's order and his family's vote and, let's not forget, Bella's clearly and repeatedly stated desire to be a vampire. It's going to happen. But he doesn't accept it until Renesmee busts out of Bella like the Kool-Aid man and the poor girl's heart finally, unequivocally stops.

Sane people don't behave this way. I don't want to slap labels on Edward, but I can't help but note that he comes across as highly narcissistic. He's the only real person in his universe, the lone player among us NPCs. That probably has a lot to do with him being frozen in the mindset and maturity of a seventeen-year-old boy, but I think it's also just...him, on some fundamental level. His failure to connect with others and recognize them as full, independent beings with their own wants and priorities isn't like Bella's failure -- she's badly depressed. Edward is...something else, and I get the sense that his sanity has been steadily deteriorating over time. And a cursory google of narcissistic traits turns up some familiar-looking stuff. He's self-loathing, yes, but also grandiose; he hates himself for the monster he is (and hates most vampires besides Esme and Carlisle for their monstrosity, too) but still feels superior to humans, to the extent that he felt entitled to human blood and resented Carlisle for depriving him of his "proper" diet. He eventually returns to Carlisle, but he's far from content -- the beginning of Midnight Sun finds him in a state of ennui, bored and dismissive of (if not outright disgusted by) everyone around him, that has apparently persisted for years and years. He doesn't play the piano, he doesn't compose, he doesn't enjoy anything...at least until Bella comes along and then he becomes obsessed to a disturbing degree with her and his new, romantic tragedy spin on reality.

[Next-day edit: I’m not sure where else to fit this in, but the way Edward casually contemplates violence against people who have, at best, mildly annoyed him is...chilling. I have a hard time writing off his strategizing how to murder the entire Biology class as a result of bloodlust -- it’s so calculated, nothing like the blackout state of thirst Emmett describes when he encountered his own “singer,” and that is probably the default for when a vampire is extremely thirsty. But even ignoring the Biology class incident, Edward still does things like consider, with disturbing frequency, how he might grievously injure or kill Mike Newton, all because...Edward considers him his romantic rival (despite Bella barely giving the kid the time of day). He thinks about slapping Mike through a wall, which might be an amusing slapstick image, except as a vampire Edward’s actually capable of turning this boy’s skeleton to a fine powder. So it’s, y’know, kind of sick when you think about it.

But even worse than that, when Bella tells Edward about how she flirted with Jacob to get at that sweet, sweet vampire lore, Edward chuckles and then, after dropping Bella home, flippantly observes that now that the treaty’s broken, why not genocide? I’m not even kidding, it’s right there in Midnight Sun; he seriously thinks about the fact that he’d be technically justified now in wiping out the entire tribe because a teenager tried to impress a girl with a spooky story. That is fucked. Remember, Edward was there with Carlisle when the treaty was first established. He knows how remarkable it is that they even came to a truce in the first place, that it was only ever possible because Carlisle is...well, Carlisle, and that it marks a pretty significant moment in supernatural history. He doesn’t care; he doesn’t respect it, or he’d never think something like “Ha ha, if I went and killed them all, I wouldn’t even be wrong. I mean, I won’t do it, but I’m just saying, I wouldn’t be wrong.”

Again: not the thought process or behavior of a sane person. (Or a person that respects life in general -- sorry Carlisle, big L.)]

Finally, whether he's a narcissist or not, I think the fact that Edward has constant, unavoidable access to everyone's thoughts is a powerful contributing factor to his instability. He can tune out the mental noise to an extent, but he can't stop it -- so he comes to rely on it like another sense. This causes issues with disconnect and lack of empathy, of course, but there's another facet to this shit diamond: he's basically experiencing a ceaseless flow of intrusive thoughts. His narration in Midnight Sun suggests that he "hears" the words people think, can "see" what they visualize in their mind's eye, and can sense the emotional "tone" and intensity of their thoughts. Therefore, perceiving Jasper's thirst through his thoughts makes Edward more aware of his own, "doubling" the discomfort. This would be a lot to deal with even from just his immediate coven members, but Edward gets all of this pouring into his head like a firehose on a day-to-day basis because the Cullens live right alongside humans. I know Meyerpires have galaxy brains or whatever, but that's a ton to process.

Besides the compounding effect on his own thirst when he "feels" the thirst of others, Meyer never suggests that Edward has difficulty separating his own thoughts from other people's; even when he was newly turned, he recognized Carlisle's "voice" in his head as Carlisle's. That would create a whole different host of issues around identity, but it looks like Edward's escaped that particular torment. However, I can easily imagine that what he does experience is just shy of unbearable nonetheless, with an eroding effect on his sanity over decades. He can't sleep to escape it; he's on a dishwater diet and probably (like the rest of his family) experiencing a perpetual, low-grade physical discomfort due to his thirst never being fully satisfied; and he's around far more people than is the norm for vampires -- even discounting all the humans, his own coven is unusually large -- meaning more noise.

Honestly, it would be weirder if he were all there, considering.

And even though I feel like I lost a sense of structure around where I started ranting about telepathy, I've written like 1.5k words about Edward fucking Cullen and I think that's enough for one post.