#and the hub world is so much fun to dick around in

[chansabsfanclub]

Han NSFW Alphabet

genre : suggestive smut, gender neutral reader

word count : 1477

warning : suggestive and some smutty content

A/N : Han is my bias so I had lots of fun with this, I'm sorry I took such a long break from writing, I hope you enjoy this addition to the NSFW collection.

After care : 

Jisung's super goofy and loving, giving lots of kisses all over his partners face.  He'll give compliments and cuddle them tightly, he wants to make sure they feel loved, while keeping the mood light and fun.

Body (favourite body parts) :

He loves his hands, how they look on his partners body and when they hold his partners neck and face.  Jisung would love his partners booty, he'll rub it and praise them about how hot they are and hold onto it tightly during sex.

Cum :

Messy when he cums, he loves cream pies but only if his partner is on birth control or has a kind of contraceptive, or anal.

Dirty secret :

He hides how Horny he actually is because he thinks it would scare his partner if they knew how much he jerked off and thought dirty thoughts.  Until eventually him and his partner got close enough where he didn't hide it anymore.

Experience :

This man will brag about how he has alllll the experience in the world, he makes it sound like he's the sex expert, but in reality he is relying on the corn hub for his information, and when he actually gets to the down and dirty part, he'll get awkward and make jokes to cope.  Very little experience in other words.

Favourite Position :

Doggy style all night, he can grip his partners ass, pull on their hair, fuck them as hard and roughly as he can, and he finds that the position makes him cum the hardest, it also helps him reach his partners most sensitive spot inside.

Goofy :

Jisung is extremely goofy, especially when it comes to sex, he'll sneakily go in for a motto boat, he'll be teasing and laughing and it helps his partners relax as well if they're nervous or shy, he's easy going and thats what helps make him so lovable.

Hair :

Jisung will do a complete shave every couple of weeks, then let it grow out, it's a lot of work to keep it constantly shaved down, so he has a little routine going where he'll take everything off and then let it grow out, then repeat.

Intimacy :

King of PDA, from making cute faces to holding hands and cuddling on a bus ride to home, he will actively show affection to his partner no matter what.  He has his limits though, cute PDA is good with him, anything sexy or promiscuous would make him too embarrassed and awkward.  

Jerk off:

He will find the time to do it every day at least once, maybe twice if he feels like it.  His sex drive is crazy and his horny levels are insane, so he's jerking off a lot which doesn't help his case.  Don't worry, he's not an addict.  Yet.

Kink:

He's not the most kinky out there, he has a few such as back scratched, he'll beg his partner to dig their nails into his back as he fucks them, as well as pet names and such.  He's pretty open to new things though.

Location:

Anywhere in the house with a solid surface.  You're taking a shower together?  He'll make you hold onto the wall for dear life.  In the kitchen making breakfast, prepare to be lifted onto that counter.  As long as there's no one else in the house Jisung will initiate something anywhere.

Motivation:

His motivation is his hormones, you could be sitting on the couch watching tv and turn him on.  His dick has a mind of its own, so in terms of motivation he will be motivated anytime there's an opportunity.

No :

Noooooo public sex, not for him and never will be, he'a a huge flirt but he also has his dignity he's not willing to risk just to get down and dirty.  He'll stay away from public spaces when it comes to naughty stuff, only closed off locked spaces will do.

Oral :

His best friend, hes a rapper his tongue knows how to move, he can do oral really well, and he also enjoys seeing your mouth wrapped around his dick as you suck him off.

Pace :

He can do any pace depending on the situation.  He's the master at quickies, and if it's slow and sensual you want he can do that too, but he might get carried away and fuck your brains out.

Quickies :

Jisung is down for a quickie anytime any day, his high sex drive needs tending and there's not always time to get sensual, quickies are his best friend.

Risk :

Is Ji the most risky person out there?  No, he'll get super embarrassed if someone were to walk in on something, so he keeps his risk fairly low just to keep SOME of his dignity.  But, he wouldn't be opposed to a quick blowjob under his studio desk to take his mind off his projects.

Stamina :

He has pretty good stamina, we've all heard him rap, his tongue can work miracles and he has enough stamina to make you cum on his face.  He can last around 15 minutes if it's slow and sensual, but if it's a quickie he'll get both him and his partner cumming in less than 5.

Toys :

He feels a but intimidated by them, he's 100% supportive if his partner wants to use them, but he'll get a bit scared if anything super extreme were to come out and be suggested.

Unfair :

He teases, I know he teases, you know he teases its a universal thing.  He'll be dangling sex in front of you like a feather toy to cats.  "Hmm, should I fuck you?  I don't think you'd like that.  I guess we won't fuck."  And other stuff like that.  

Volume :

Jisung is vocal, he's not screaming or anything, but he can't help but mutter out a "Yes baby" or "You feel so good". He'll even let moans slip out of his mouth as he gets closer to his release.

Wild Card :

"Hey Ji, I'm here, I stopped by the convenience store as well."  I called out to my boyfriend as I entered the studio.  It was late and Jisung was stuck on a song he desperately wanted to finish.  He had texted me to come keep him company since Chan and Changbin had already went back to the dorm.  

Jisung turned in his chair to face me and smiled widely.  "I'm so glad you're here!  This is killing me."  He fake cried and opened his arms for a hug.  I giggled at him and went over to hug him tightly.  I sat on his lap and he turned back to his computer.  

I watched as he worked for a while, his shoulders would tense and then relax, and his face would scrunch and he'd hold his breath, eventually releasing it after finishing something.  He was super stressed, and I have an idea how to help him.

I got off his lap and slid under the desk, his face turned from confused to excited really quick.  "Baby, are you gonna..."  

"Shh, keep working."  I interrupted him, he went back to his project, my hands went to the band of his sweatpants, tugging them down slowly, he lifted his butt so I was able to brings them down to his feet, his dick in his underwear was already starting to get hard, it was just too easy with him.  

My hand gently rubbed his dick through his underwear, I could hear him let out a sigh as I pressed down lightly onto him.  My fingers teased at his underwear, slightly tugging them down just so his tip was showing, I brushed my thumb over it making him quiver slightly.

"I thought this was supposed to be a stress relief."  He jokingly said, his breath caught in his throat as I took his whole cock in my mouth.

X-ray :

Jisung gives off average dick energy.  He's my bias okay, so I'm being completely honest,  he doesn't have the biggest dick energy.  I'll give him 6 inches, with a bit more girth, but nothing crazy, he knows how to use it though, from all the jerking off.

Yearning :

He craves sex, we've been over this.  When it comes to sex drive he could make it from one side if Canada to the other.  

Zzz :

Passes out right away, after they've finished, he'd wrap his arms around his partner and cuddled them to sleep, passing out right away.

[gertlushgaming]

The Walking Dead: Betrayal Preview (Steam Early Access)

For our The Walking Dead: Betrayal Preview, we betray our friends in this 5-8-person game of cooperation and social deception set in the universe of The Walking Dead. Work together to survive, but trust no one! Traitors have so many ways to sabotage the team, the walkers are the most predictable threat.

The Walking Dead: Betrayal Preview Pros:

- Decent graphics. - 6.71GB download size. - Free gift if you have played Project Winter. - Optional tutorial. - A social deception game. - For the best experience, they recommend a headset. - Graphics settings - resolution, display mode, v-sync, max fps, graphics preset, anti aliasing, texture quality, shadow quality, particle quality, post-processing, anisotropic filtering, and soft particles. - Controller support. - You can remap the controls for the mouse and keyboard. - Nine roles to play as - Bereaved, daredevil, confidant, turncoat, negotiator, tailor, bodyguard, traitor, and Scavenger. - Each game only allows X amount of players to be in certain roles. - Emote radial menu. - The church is your personal hub where you can do crafting, set up matches, look at roles, etc. - The map will show locations of resources, points of interest, and anything else needed. - Isometric view. - When entering a building the angle of the camera changes. - You can repair things and interacting with them shows what is needed. - Dead drops - Find and equip different colored radios so you interact and/or listen in on other players using the matching color radio. - The hunger and stamina system is in play and when your hunger increases your health goes down. - Interactive points highlight. - Has a good atmosphere. - Weapons vary from commonly found items turned melee to ranged weapons like guns and crossbows. - Nearly everything you do creates noise which can attract zombies. - You can vote and exile Survivors. - Find and work together with others to build an escape route. - Cook food to increase its potency. - You can do dick moves like luring zombies into other player's way or poison food and loot in the world. - You can break down vehicles, signs, etc for resources. - Quickly select hot bar for items held. - Customize your character with cosmetics. - Two ways to matchmake - solo and party up. - Has its own friends list integration. - Eight-player online support. - When matchmaking you can walk around a gated area and shoot zombies. - The shooting works well with a clear aiming line. - If you die then you'll come back a walker, you can even jump between walkers adding a lot of fun to proceedings. The Walking Dead: Betrayal Preview Cons: - No Steam achievements. - Long initial load time. - It doesn't state it on the game library but it has controller support. - Cannot rebind controls for the controller. - Every interaction is holding the button down which is less than ideal. - Text pops up over other text. - The tutorial is just a list of tasks and no real help in achieving them. - You start off with very little personal storage. - Slowdown happens a lot even when there is hardly anyone around. - A very basic character creator in that it's mostly cosmetics. - Struggle to find any players no matter the time of day. - So much to take in. - It's a game more suited for a group of friends but mostly that's to do with the player numbers and mic support. Related Post: SANABI Review (Steam) The Walking Dead: Betrayal: Official website. Developer: Other Ocean Interactive Publisher: Skybound Entertainment Store Links - Steam Early Access Read the full article

[shadowiie]

Oh 06 is FUN, huh

[esha-isboogara]

jojo’s bizarre porn tropes

publishing even MORE headcanons before i finish the first set ? an absolute iconic move from me tbh. i went crazy with my tags bro😩but anyways enjoy this …i will do more characters if i can come up with more tropes

here’s part two

jonathan - he’s very vanilla so your videos fall under the passionate category. jonathan takes the act of making love very seriously so expect to cum at least twice in one session. he won’t over stimulate though , he gives you a pleasant high. y’all don’t post a lot but when you do it’s usually a movie that will have the viewers drooling.

joseph- amateur porn. he isn’t too fond on setting up a camera and having a script or whatever. he’d much rather record you giving him head or maybe a lil pov of back shots. joseph makes sure you’re featured on his only fans regularly. videos are usually no longer than 5 minutes.

jotaro- big dick small girl trope. my god this man is hung. people watching your videos are always slightly worried for your safety. how does it fit? women all around the world want to be you. some of the more aggressive sessions almost always lead to concerned comments. jotaro does have a bit of a reputation so he refuses to show his face along with yours.

kakyoin- not a trope but most of your posts are cosplay related. dressing up as your favorite anime characters and fucking for money is a dream come true. a lot of work goes into your videos mainly because of the well put together costumes and make up looks. the entire look gets ruined in the end but presentation is a big deal. the two of you have a cute set up. it’s high effort but the rewards are so worth it.

josuke- innocent boy and experienced woman. he still won’t say it out loud but he is a total bottom so having you top him/take control is perfect. josuke will use titles like “step mom gives new son blowjob during dinner” to catch a persons attention. or so he says. you’d swear he has a bit of a thing for it. your videos are usually a bit longer and medium effort.

giorno- very beautifully done/well put together porn. people who watch the two of you enjoy modern art and pretty landscapes. it’s essentially art house porn. your content is extremely well put together and is pleasing to eye as well as to the dick/pussy. giorno doesn’t much care if his face is recognized-hes a crime lord there’s not much anyone can do at this point.

leone- rough sex! the people who watch your videos are sickos and the others are worried for your safety. lots of tying up, whipping, slapping and abuse of your little hole. don’t worry it’s all consensual and monitored.

bruno- pov style porn. honestly an iconic move from him. he loves to go back and watch your tapes so why not upload them. similar to joseph they’re never longer than five minutes but there’s a good amount of them. occasionally you two will put together tutorials for those less experienced in sex.

jolyne- lesbian! jojo knows how much men love that wlw content so the two of you exploit that fetish to the max. it started off as just a few short clips but as time went on you and jolyne got a whole set up. most of your vids are pretty basic but men especially eat them up so 🤪

hermes- massage porn. she’s always been good with her hands so why not use her abilities for something fun? you guys don’t upload often. not because you don’t want to just because you always forget or get too caught up in what you’re doing.

foo fighters- the two of you were on the weirder side of porn hub. strange toys, story lines and odd outfits. from alien sex to retro porn you’ve done it all. honestly it doesn’t really matter if others find it sexy the two of you enjoy it. it doesn’t take much to convince them to post your videos- it takes longer to explain how the camera works than anything.

[talaofthevalley]

The PJO movie’s sins are plentiful but one of the biggest is because they tanked so hard and put a complete stop to percy jackson in other mediums, we missed out on getting janky video games with weird crunchy models and wonky controls and ill-fitting voice acting and a port to another system that is significantly worse or different. Maybe they’d be a complete trash fire for people to laugh at and make fun of in later years, or maybe they’d actually be an okay time.

We’ll never get people having fond memories of dicking around in the Camp Half-Blood hub world, or maybe even complain that it was really just a bunch of menu’s and really limited on how much you could explore and what a missed potential it was to not expand on it. But if it got a good team of developers they might have gone the distance and modeled every cabin so you can enter and look around inside. With lava wall and chariot mingames you gotta clear for 100%.

A game for Sea of Monsters where a reoccuring mechanic is you controlling a boat in the ocean and the draw distance is complete ass. Titan’s Curse having too many sneaking missions a la Gerudo Fortress that are way too easy to fail and you have to start over. Battle of the Labyrinth where navigating the labyrinth to get to where you need to go is the most annoying thing in the world. When Rachel joins it turns into a “i need some time to see the path forward, keep the monsters away from me” segment and it repeats too many times.

Multiple playable characters but people usually stick to Percy because he’s the best one most of the time and has the most moves. Grover would either have this really broken move you could easily spam, or he’d be too slow with using his pipes and could have been cool if it didn’t have a delay. No one would willingly play as Annabeth if they weren’t stubborn, she’s basically a mortal with a neat knife but less interesting to play as. Thalia would have this really spammable lightning attack that would stun enemies and you can do it over and over again until they die. Nico is a playable character in the fourth game and he’s the best character hands down and it’s really funny because he’s so tiny compared to the other characters. Wait that could be a reason, the hit detection for monsters misses him half the time sdjhkfgf

And yes this is highkey stupid to think about but I have a soft spot for old cash grab games based on existing media where a touch of effort occasionally shines through, or is just complete ass. And we just don’t get those types of games anymore

[myblueeyedbuggers]

My Boys

Chapter 2

Chapter 1 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7  Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11  Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14

Pairings: Reader x Steve Rogers (Platonic) Reader x Bucky Barnes

Word Count: 1918

Warnings: Language, A tiny bit of Angst

Summary: After being abandoned by her parents in Brooklyn in 1929, y/n makes a living for herself by working for the Црни лабуд gang until she meets two boys in a back alley and her life slowing begins to change.

So, Hi again, I know I said that the next chapter would be shorter but I kinda got carried away with the story, hopefully you guys don’t mind XD As mentioned before All requests and imagines are open, any constructive criticism is welcome. Enjoy Everyone! (I just noticed I linked the wrong page for Chapter 1, not a very good tech student am I? XD)

A few days later-

The right side of my face felt like it was on fire, a constant ache reminding me of what happens when I fail my task, boss handed my ass to me in more ways then one. The damn beatings from the boys made me too weak to stop the bastard named Greg from running off and calling the police, the dick decided to hand himself in instead of spending time with yours truly, which in all honesty is understandable, any sane person would turn and leg it away from a small lass looking like she went 5 rounds with a bear.

Perhaps walking around in the middle of the day isn’t the best idea when your face looks like the rear end of a smashed-up truck, people were stopping and staring at me, it was really doing miracles for my self-esteem (Notice my sarcasm there). I’d already managed to screw up this “mission” anyway, staying undetected with a face like this is nearly impossible, my decision of winging it this morning coming back to bite me in the ass within the first 5 minutes out the house. Safe to I was royally buggered, both literally and figuratively.

My mind was buzzing with different techniques and plans I needed to get the next target, maybe I could break into his house and dig up some dirt on this guy, from what I’ve been told that should be easy considering the dirt bag’s cheating on his wife with the maid from the apartment be- whatever train of thought I had was completed obliterated, somehow my ass hand ended up on the floor. Again. Irritation flooded my veins, whoever did better be ready to dig themselves an early grave, looking up my eyes made contact with the one person who I wished to never see again. Bucky f**king Barnes. “Why is it every time I see you, you’ve somehow managed to piss me off? Is that how you greet everyone or am I just that Special?”, I was met with silence. Not unnerving at all, glancing at him I noticed he was staring at my face with wide eyes, immediately I pulled myself from the floor and ran like hell in the opposite direction.

 This is not an ideal situation, to anyone else it’d look like I was running for the bus, when I was actually running for my life, “y/n! stop!” like that’s gonna bloody happen ya moron there’s a flipping reason I’m running, cause I ain’t doing it for fun!I already know I’m gonna regret doing this, my feet changed direction and guided my body down a small but familiar ginnel, two lefts and a right later I was approaching a wall, adrenaline was rushing through my body as I launched myself at the wall. Surprisingly I didn’t faceplant and managed to get a hold of the top of the wall, the lower half of my body erupted in sharp pains, but I needed to ignore them, quickly pulling myself up and leaping off to the other side. As soon as my feet touched the floor I was off, I didn’t really wanna know if Bucky saw what I did or where I went, I might not like the guy, but he doesn’t need to get tangled up in with a hopeless case like me.

Once I was certain that I’d lost him, I crouched down behind some bins and attempted, key word attempted, to catch my breath. I’ll admit that was way too close, anyway why does he care? I was and still am being a complete dick to him, does he not get the hit that I’m not his number one fan? Eh, when’ve I cared?  it’s just me against this bullshit world and I’m pretty sure that ain’t gonna change anytime soon. Now fully recovered, I emerged from my hidey hole and… walked right into Bucky. “What the Hell?! Are you some form of f**cking ninja or something, did you not get that don’t wanna talk or do I need to give you a formal letter?!”, he just stared at me with raised eyebrows and let me finish my rant, cocky bugger.

 “You done running now? Wanna try telling me who the hell did this?”, okay who the hell crapped him is cereal? “Nobody, I simply fell of a bike earlier on this week avoiding the village idiot”, giving me, an incredulous look Bucky sighed and covered his face in exasperation. Seeing an opportunity to get away, I slowly started edging away and to be fair, I nearly got past him before he grabbed my arm, “do you really expect me to believe that y/n?”.

The glare I sent him could have made Satan himself piss his pants, but Bucky didn’t even flinch much to my frustration, “Believe it, don’t believe it all in all I couldn’t give a shit, now let go of my arm before I rip it off “I’m pretty sure I just growled at him. And of course, the dick does the opposite and tightens his grip on my arm, wait is he dragging me?! The hell! do I look like dog on a leash? “Fine then don’t tell me, but you’re coming to my house to get cleaned up” his tone was final and left no room for arguments, but it’s me, when have I ever backed down from a challenge? “Nope, nah, not happening I can take care of myself thank you very much, now I’ll ask you one last time. Let. Go. Of. My. Arm.”

My voice held so much spite, I hardly recognised it as my own, “No” and with that he picked me up, ignoring my protests, and started carry me to his home

.-40 minutes later

How the hell Bucky managed to carry me for this long, I have no idea, for a lad of 14 he’s impressively strong and that’s the annoying thing, I’ve been trying to get off him for the past 40 minutes and even my hardest punches and kicks just seemed to tickle him. At one point he even started laughing at my threats, which added to my burning rage, the urge to smack this cocky son of a gun was hard to contain at this point. I’ve no idea what neighbourhood were in, it resembled a perfect suburban hub, the ideal place to settle down and raise a family, I wonder what it’s be like to be apart of a fully functioning family coming home to people who loved you…it must be nice. 

 Unknown to Bucky, a single tear slid down my face, my heart longing for a family to call my own, but that’d never happen, hell according to my parents I wasn’t even supposed to exist, by the time my mother realised she was pregnant it was too late to get an abortion. I was a curse that ruined their lives and their relationship, I’ve got the scars to prove how much of a waste of space I am, “You okay back there? You’ve been quite for more than two minutes” Bucky’s voice cut through my thoughts, for a minute I’d forgotten where I was. Okay that’s enough of feeling sorry for yourself y/n, pull yourself together you’ve managed this long without anyone, “Hello? Are you asleep of somethin?” I swear down this guy is more annoying then my conscious sometimes, “Nope I was thinking of all the different ways I can kick ya ass later buddy boy”, his body vibrated with laughter as Bucky let out a load laugh at my reply. 

Do you see what I’m dealing with here ?!, “Good to know you’re back to the you’re ever cheerful self doll”, what in the name of ever loving fudge?! “Since when did I become your doll Barnes? last time I checked slingin’ a girl over your shoulder and carrying her off isn’t the way to get a girl!” all the bugger does is laugh, laugh I tell you! this boy is gonna be the death of me. “You sure about that doll face? cause it worked for me”.

I could practically see the stupid smirk on his face, also can someone explain to me why I’m blushing? For once I had nothing say, my sarcasm failed me…damn it. A low chuckle brought my attention back to the annoyance with legs, more commonly known as Barnes, “We’re almost home Doll, Mama should be able to clean you up in no time” oh no, no, no I don’t do well with parents, or any adult now that I think about it, they always have this look of pity in their eyes when they see me. It’s like they’ve just found a homeless kitten on the street and feel the need to adopt it and take care of it until they get bored, it’s infuriating and embarrassing, “Oi! Barnes, I ain’t telling you again I can look after myself, your mama doesn’t need to trouble herself with me I’m perfectly capable of cleaning myself up!” he let out another frustrated sigh, he must be going for a record it’s the 20th one, before ignoring me completely and walking up the drive.

“Yeah you keep saying you okay by yourself but look at the state of you y/n! you’ve got a busted-up nose and lip, a black eye and a cut on you’re eyebrow! How the hell is that taking care of yourself?!” for once he did have a point, but hell’s gonna have to freeze over before I admitted that, “Not that you’d know this Barnes, but this is what happens every day, I have to make my own livin’ I ain’t got anyone to rely on and it’s been that way for years, it’s how I like it! now put me the hell down before I kick ya ass to China!”.

The sound of an opening door stopped Bucky’s reply, “JAMES BUCHANAN BARNES WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING LUGGIN’ THIS POOR GIRL AROUND LIKE A SACK OF POTATOS?! PUT HER DOWN NOW!” holy mother of all things holy I do NOT want to be on the receiving end of this lady’s anger! I think my ass is attracted to the floor, one minute I’m being held captive by an annoying pillock and the next I’m on the floor nursing a bruised behind, “Jesus Christ talking about letting a girl down quickly!” hands grabbed my upper arms and pulled me to my feet, Bucky’s apologies faded into the background when a shocked gasp silenced the conversation. Slowly I raised my head, Bucky’s mother had tears falling down her cheeks, her brown eyes were filled with the two emotions I hated the most, pity and sadness.

 Not being able to keep eye contact any longer, my gaze shifted to the porch floor, her shadow slowly started to move towards me, she was being cautious as if she were approaching a wild animal and I hated it. I hate seeing people treat me like a basketcase, I can’t stand it “I’m very sorry for disturbing you ma’am, I’ll leave” I quickly turn around and start to walk away, about 3 steps in a gentle hand grabs my shoulder and stops me. “Sweetie, you don’t have to apologise for anything, come inside I’ll get you cleaned up, Bucky, honey Steve’s inside with your father and sister” and with that Bucky’s mother guides me inside with a comforting hand and a gentle smile. 

Soooo..yeah this happens, I’m not gonna lie I felt really bad writing the sad bit about the reader, I may have teared up a tiny bit, anyway YAY chapter 2 is outta the way!. Hope you all liked it  :)Rose xx

[ofgoldenangel]

Rocking Around the Christmas Tree

SUMMARY: Gabriel Meets Wally West at the Christmas Tree lighting and they spend a wonderful time together. With Snowball fights and Hot chocolate  TRIGGERS: None WRITTEN WITH: @fasterthanl1ght​

Gabriel: loved all these lights and happy kids faces he passed while walking through Rockefeller It was amazing to see how the humans celebrating the holiday season. He found a nice spot in front of the tree on a park bench smiling softly hearing the sounds of happy kids and movement of people. He felt eyes on him as he gave them a soft smile "Hello, Enjoying the Holiday fun?"

Wally:  Wally was having a blast. Christmas in Rockefeller. It didn't get much more iconic than that. He passed by a family making a snowman, some kids having a snowball fight, a couple taking a romantic walk. As he approached a park bench he got a look at the guy sitting on it and was slightly floored. Damn. He'd met some good looking folks in his time, like the Titans or the Justice League, but this guy was like on another level. It took him a second to realize he was staring and he turned away a bit just to avoid making it super obvious. "Hm me? Yeah man I love this time of year. It's my favorite!" Wow did he always sound like such a nerd? He coughed a bit feeling the need to clear his throat suddenly before turning the question on the other man. "What about you? Are you stoked for Christmas? Or you know, whatever you celebrate?"

Gabriel:  Gabe chuckled softly feeling eyes on him as he sat near the hub of all the activity, he'd briefly saw Sam and Charlie dancing feeling extreme happiness to see them enjoying themselves when he turned his attention to the boy with bright red hair something he'd yet to see in this new world. "Same, I love the idea of bring families closer and sending everyone good will." He mused looking at the other chuckling softly "I'm very stoked for it, this will be the first year in awhile I've got all my siblings close enough to spend time with them. We celebrate Christmas, well I suppose some of us do either way I'm super excited."

Wally: Family. It was a little hard to think of that with Barry gone and his parents...well he just didn't really want to think of them. Hell he hadn't even decided if he was going to visit Iris yet. He smiled lightly and decided to join the guy on the bench to look at the tree. "I was an only child but I can imagine it must be pretty great having your siblings around for Christmas. In any case Christmas is the best for sure."

Gabriel: Looked at the other wondering if he had someone to spend the holidays with, he'd learned that many people were sometimes without family which made his  heart hurt for those. "Really how interesting, I'm sure my youngest brother wishes he was an only child. But I rather like it, we sort of had a family falling out years ago this the first time we are all in the same city together. I'm sort of working up my courage to see how he is doing at the Lux club."

Wally: "Ah. Sibling rivalry. I've heard tales of it." The Titans were probably the closest thing to siblings he had and they had their tiffs for sure. Dick probably had the best examples of sibling rivalry of anyone he'd ever met. But that didn't mean the Bat Fam didn't have each other's backs when it counted. Mostly. He pat the other on the back in encouragement and grinned. "Hey man don't sweat it. I'm sure your brother will come around. If ever there was a time to patch things up and start again, this is it. That's what Christmas and New Years is all about right? Peace on Earth and goodwill and stuff."

Gabriel: He smiled nodding his head "it can be quite crazy but lucky I'm pretty close to the youngest group so I i admit its hard playing both sides." He mused looking at the other he was hoping to move forward with his fallen brothers, especially  Lucifer, he really missed his younger sibling and hopped maybe with everything happening they could get on better terms. "Thank you that's very kind of you to say, currently he is going through a rough patch and I want to be there for him but I don't want to come off overbearing. Its hard being the elder brother at times especially when once upon a time we were so close. I miss that closeness we used to share."

Wally: "That is a fine line to walk. Wanting to be closer but afraid to push them away at the same time." He'd done the same thing with his friends. It had taken him so long to decide to come back to them but he did and they welcomed him without question. He knew not everyone was so lucky but he had hope. "I think you'll be close again. You're his brother. That has to count for something." Wally was sometimes too optimistic for his own good but during Christmas he felt it was justified. His specialty was bringing some cheer to where it was needed most and as he watched the kids playing, some he even recognized from F.E.A.S.T. an idea came to him and he grinned. "You wanna join a snowball fight?" It was totally random but this guy sounded like he could use some good old fashioned winter fun right about now.

Gabriel: "You are right very fine line so far the last time we saw one another it was nice, we didn't beat each other up like before." He mused smiling softly he missed Lucifer and fighting with him in the Veil only made that feeling so much stronger if he was honest with himself.  "I love your optimistic not maybe people have that gift , I think you are right clear all the negative from my head and we should get close again. I never stopped caring about him I'll just have to show him." Gabe's smile returned almost tenfold when the other mention a snowball fight. "I'd love one! its actually be my first in a long time promise to take it easy on me? OH I'm Gabriel by the way, Gabe for short." He replied hopping off the bench holding out his hand.

Wally: Alright that just wasn't fair. No one should be allowed to look that good. The dude, Gabe's smile was practically blinding. Holy hell. Wally did his best to shake it off and laughed as he held out his hand to shake the others. "Wally West. Optimism is kind of my thing. There's always a bright side somewhere if you're willing to look." He grinned happily and started towards the kids calling to them. "Hey guys, this is my new friend Gabe! Mind if we join you?" They kids all looked at each other before agreeing excitedly and separated themselves into teams. Having a grown up on their side gave them a great advantage after all. Wally turned back to Gabe nearly buzzing with his own excitement. "Alright if this is your first snowball fight I'll try and go easy on you. The kids might not though so just, heads up. Basically there's two teams right. And you just run around pelting each other with snowballs until the other teams give up! Easy!" Ok so maybe those rules were oversimplified but that's how he used to play with the Titans. Only they used super powers. Which reminded him of one other thing Gabe should know. "Just remember when you're making a snowball don't pack it too tight. And make sure there's no rocks or ice in it. We don't want anyone getting hurt you know. This is strictly for fun. No tears allowed. Unless of course you feel the need to cry when my team wins. I promise I won't judge." Cute or not Gabe was so going down and Wally couldn't wait.

Gabriel: He was quite happy for the distraction in the form of Wally the male seemed to be just as fun as he was plus it gave him an excuse to not wonder into the Lux too early and set Lucifer off. He walked a rather thin line when it came to his youngest brother but he was still happy to be close to him once again. "Sounds like great advice to live by when one thinks about it" he mused letting the other talk giving the kids a slight wave of his hand. He looked at his teammates smiling before being pulled back to Wally. "That sounds amazing, I hope you wont cry if I get you a couple times then?" he teased nodding his head he'd seen the other making the snowballs enough to get the hang of it plus it will be fun either way I'm sure" he mused before nodding is head chuckling at the other "I promise no tears or pain, but try not to cry if If my team takes the win after all I could be some snow chap" he mused moving over to his team to help make some snowballs for the starting fight.

Wally: Wally was glad he could provide a distraction if nothing else. Christmas time was no time to be down when you could be getting that holiday cheer. He grinned a cheeky grin at the other's words, before switching his tone to one of mock sympathy. "Listen Gabe you're a cool guy and all, but you're not going to hit me. Not even once. But don't feel too bad though. I was the dodge ball king back in high school." Or he would have been if he'd been allowed to use his powers. He totally let those jerks pelt him back then.The kids had built up two snow barricades to act as bases for their teams and Wally went to the one closest to him to plot with the kids on his side. Once their strategy was set he picked up a snowball and made a show of stretching out in front of the enemy team and Gabe. "All right kiddos let me show you how a pro gets things done." With that he sent a snowball flying straight at Gabe. At normal speed of course. He didn't want to crush the poor guy on his first strike. Not in his first snowball fight ever. With the first ball in the air the game was on and with a yell it began. "ATTACK!" The kids behind him all screamed and let their own snowballs fly. Wally was smiling like a loon as he peppered the other team as best he could with going over board.

Gabriel: Gabe had to admit he was beyond glad that he could spend time with Wally he seemed like quite a fun person plus his bright red hair had captured Gabriel's attention almost immediately. He decided it was best to not go over using his strength and powers less the other feel he gave them an unfair advantage. "I bet I can hit you just once during this little snowball fight, Loser buys the Hot chocolate what do you say? We both come out a winner." He mused holding out his hand winking at Wally. He smiled watching the kids excitedly get ready for the fight, it was times like this he loved humanity, things were so simply to kids compare to adults. "Okay now we are going to not only win but have an amazing time okay?" He told the kids smiling at their cheers before he ducked to move away from the snowballs flying "Cheater!" he chuckled out loud throwing his snowballs "Let them have it."

Wally: "Alright hot stuff, you're on. I'll take that bet. That hot chocolate is going to taste so much sweeter when you buy it for me." Wally wasted no time and once the game started he was off like a rocket. No super speed yet but even his normal fast was crazy. He made snow balls in record time and his team now had an endless supply. When he joined the fray he targeted Gabe specifically. Mostly because he didn't want to go for the kids because that seemed kind of low but also because it was the best tactical option to take out the strongest asset first. He almost missed the snowball coming at him from the side but his speed kicked in just for a split second, lighting flashed across his eyes as he moved imperceptibly fast just enough to doge before time slowed again and he was going at the kids pace. Any normal human wouldn't have seen that be he was unaware of who the person was that he had actually challenged.

Gabriel: He couldn't help but chuckle at the other he could tell he was going to like Wally alot, they male had similar energy to him which made wanting to be friends with him quite easy. He wouldn't even mind paying for Hot chocolate if his team lost after all this fight was the most fun he'd had in ages. He didn't know Wally had powers of course had he been human maybe he wouldn't have noticed the sudden super speed. He couldn't help but smile using some of his strategy to up his aim a bit trying to get a snowball and hit the red haired male moving to dodge anything coming his way. "is that the best you've got Wally?"

Wally: The kids were dropping fast now as one by one they started to get tired or took one too many snow balls. Wally was laughing and running around making more snowballs and generally having a great time. He might as well have been a kid himself for all the fun he was having. There was a reason he got along so well with the kids from F.E.A.S.T. It was also why the Flash helped deliver presents on Christmas Eve. This was what the holidays were about and Wally loved it with his every fiber of his being. The challenge from Gabe only made him grin wider. "You wish. You haven't seen even half the things I can do." The battle was slowing down as the kids gradually began to sit on the side lines. Of course his energy reserves were doing just fine and he wasn't waning at all in his onslaught. He saw the snowball Gabe threw at him coming and caught it mid air with a smirk. He pulled his arm back and sent it flying right back at Gabe, certain that it was going to hit.

Gabriel: Gabe was enjoying himself itd been such a long time since he'd  be this free and happy. Lately he'd been feeling a tad off but after spending time with the kids and Wally he felt rejuvenate in a way he couldn't explain. The holidays while not all of his siblings favorite time still was great because they once again were all together.  He could tell the kids were getting tired with their snowball antics which was fine because his subject was Wally. He chuckled at the others reply looking back at this attempts he enjoyed the fun that came with fight. So when wally caught his snowball only to throw it back he let it hit him. " ahh I've been hit" he fell to the ground pretending to die " how cruel the world is did you see how vicious he was in his attack kids?" He chuckled making the kids laugh.

Wally: Wally laughed and did a victory lap as Gabe went down, moaning about his epic loss. "Woo! That's right! Team Wally for the win! Heck yeah!" The next moment he was gobsmacked as the kids proceeded to ignore him in favor of going to check up on Gabriel to make sure he was ok. His heart melted at the sight of them checking Gabe's forehead and trying to see if he was hurt. They were such good kids. He shook his head smiling lightly as he went over to help. He held out his hand to help the other up out of the snow. "Looks like victory is mine. These kids are shaming me pretty good in sportsmanship though so what do you say. Truce?"

Gabriel: Gabriel chuckled softly watching Wally do his victory lap before he had all the kids rush to him checking him over. This is why he loved kids so much, they were always so kind and loving before the world or people molded and changed them. “I’m okay I shall struggle with this loss” He teased the kids tickling a few before waving his hand “I will say though I have all these candy canes, and it's only fair to share them huh?” He mused handing each kid from both teams cane telling them how great they played as they ran off to their parents who were waiting. He smirked at the hand Wally held out to him taking it without any issue hiding a little bit of snow in his other patting through the others bright red hair. “Oops” he smirks laughing nodding his head “quite so, they are brilliant at sportsmanship and I do accept that Truce. How about that Hot Chocolate I promised?”

Wally: The scene was heart warming really. The kids obviously loved the candy canes and he loved seeing them so happy and carefree. However his own happiness was tinged with a little bitterness as he watched some return to their parents, and some to their chaperones from FEAST. It wasn't fair that those so young had to go through something as terrible as growing up without a home or family. But that was why he did what he did. If no one else would love them then he would. Just like Barry did for him. He was smiling as he helped Gabe up until something cold ran through his hair and down his back. "ha-ah! AH! COLD!" He jerked back and shook his hair out as best as he could but the damage was done and his usually bright red fluffy locks were now damp and limp as they hung down into his eyes. "Well that was cheap! So much for sportsmanship!" He shivered and made a show of shaking off the cold. It might have been a little exaggerated but that smirk of Gabe's left him even more flustered than the snow and he had to play that off. "You do realize this means I have to get you back at some point?" Despite his words he was still grinning like mad at the other. "But later. Right now I'm going to need something to warm up after all this cold."

Gabriel: He had greatly loved hanging out with the children and spending time playing a game he'd only seen from Heaven. He had fun, enjoying the laughter of child who seemed to wish him and Wally all good will before they left.  Gabe chuckled at how well he'd managed a sneak attack on Wally if anything Michael would be proud of how well he'd played things. "sorry Wally but you know its only fair I was cold now we both can be." He chuckled happily looking at the other before smiling " I suppose so but either way I planned to warm you up with some nice Hot Chocolate so maybe you'll find it in your heart to forgive me" He gave a rather cute pout before nodding his head pulling the other towards the Hot Chocolate tent "They have a couple kinds, Mellow Hot Chocolate, Mint Hot Chocolate or Regular what do you feel like?"

Wally: Ok. Saying something like 'i was planning to warm you up' should not have sounded sexy at all. And yet here he was, having those kinds of thoughts when clearer that was no the intention. Then Gabe hit him with a pout that should not have been as cute as it was and Wally was even more confused. He was freakin hopeless. He was also really good at being in denial so he just laughed and shook his head. "Your bribe is tempting, therefore I will forgive you. This time." He was grinning ear to ear as he followed the other into the tent, sighing as the warmth and scent of chocolate filled the air. "Mmm you know I think I'll go for the mint. I like switching things up."

Gabriel: Had to admit it was nice having Friends even if their was something quite new between them it felt nice to have someone to hang out with that wasn't his family. He chuckled softly "Yes I told you I can be quite convincing, plus I've just thought to share the snow with you since you shared with me" He teased the other before nodding his head "perfect I'll get a mellow one" He mused ordering their hot chocolate and paying for their stepping to the side to wait for it. "smells good doesn't it?"

Wally:  Wally had severely underestimated just how convincing his new friend could be. hell it's not like the guy was actually doing anything particularly convincing in the first place. Wally was just weak. That was it. He rolled his eyes still smiling. "How generous of you. We should get you a medal to commemorate your generosity." He stood beside Gabe as they waited for their drinks, the other people happily chatting and milling about around them. He took a deep breath and slowly released it, taking in the smell of chocolate hanging in the air. "Mm it does. Thank you. I know we tease and all but I do actually appreciate it. The drink and the snowball fight. People underestimate what a little fun can do you know." Wally may not have admitted it to himself or anyone else but he also had a lot on his mind this season and a snowball fight with a perfect stranger turned friend had been just the distraction he needed.

Gabriel:  Gabe smiled at the other he was quite glad to have run into someone new while hanging out by the tree, he'd known plenty of his siblings were off doing whatever made them happier so it was nice to have something of his own. "I wouldn't mind one, I bet I'd look very dashing with some medals" He chuckled softly looking around everything smelled heavenly and he could still hear the sounds of happiness filling the air. "You are very welcome Wally, I appreciate you hanging out with me after the game, its been quite along time since I've had this much fun" He replied honestly smiling when their drinks were done passing Wally's his. "So what other things do you like to do for fun? I'm curious"

Wally:  Dashing was definitely one way to put it but Gabe didn't need a medal to look good. He did that just fine with his stunning smile and those blue eyes and that curly hair and, oh wow. Wally really needed to stop. He was getting way too ahead of himself here. He chuckled and nodded. "Yes dashing. I'm sure you would. And you're welcome too. Though It's not like I was going out of my way or anything. I just like having fun. Especially this time of year." He was more than happy to spread the love and cheer with someone who needed it. The last question had him pondering for a second. "Well, I play video games and watch movies, jam out on my guitar or bass, go running, swimming, basketball, I volunteer a lot. That's actually how I knew those kids. Most of them were from F.E.A.S.T. I don't know if you've heard of it but it's a great place. They do a lot of good there and i'm happy to be a small part of that." Was he speed talking? He didn't think so but when he got to rambling it was harder for him to tell. Shockingly he wasn't used to talking about himself this much. Which meant it was time to switch subjects. "What about you? What sort of things do you do when you're not getting utterly destroyed in snow ball fights?"

Gabriel:  Had to admit this wasn't his first time being called dashing, there were entire artworks detailed to his face taking on his beauty unlike his brothers who looked more like a hot mess then anything real. Yet hearing it from wally made him smile a bit more chuckling "it's still was quite the first meeting, it's been awhile since I've had fun like that, things have been rather strange since moving here to New York. Much like everyone else its been a rather up and down year." He replied honestly he hadn't felt this happy since before he arrived here and learned the truth of his father's cruelty towards his siblings. "That sounds amazing, i mean not many people volunteer much here I've noticed and I have heard of F.E.A.S.T  I love their work and often working towards doing more for them. Sort of a pet project of mine, i have quite the soft spot for children." He mused enjoying all the new information he'd gotten from Wally he was quite a wonderful person. "Well not at completely exciting as everything you do,  I enjoy reading all types of books really you'll often find me with a book in my hand compared to gaming controller but I still can hold my own thanks to my elder brother.  I also love cooking and baking so i like finding and trying new food to create, spending time with my family is always a plus in my book. It never fails to make me smile finding activities that will make my siblings smile and laugh. " He mused honestly smiling softly as their drinks were given to them taking a sip. "Mhmm its soo good isn't it?"

Wally:  "Tell me about it. New York ain't like Kansas that's for sure. It's a whole other animal." New York City was probably three times the size of Keystone City and eve for a guy who could see it all in seconds, it was a lot. He listened, nodding along and smiling as Gabe explained his own interests. They had a lot in common but some differences as well. Wally for example, couldn't cook to save his life. It took WAY too long for a speedster. "A love of books we have in common and also a love of food. Though I am probably the worst cook you can imagine. Big ups to you for learning how to cook. I usually make due with fast food and hot pockets." He sipped his hot chocolate admiring the way he talked about his family. No wonder the guy was excited to see them this year. By the sound of it they seemed very important to him. He was about to answer Gabe's comment about the drink when he tipped it back and got nothing. "Huh. It was. Must have been better than I thought since I downed that in no time."

Gabriel:  "I take it you are from Kansas then? I've never been there I hear its a lot of farm land is that true?" Gabe questioned wondering about other places outside of New York.  He was beyond happy to be making friends with the other boy it wasn't as if he had plenty and enjoyed having people around after coming from so many siblings "Yeah? food is amazing and sometimes a good book is enough to keep me entertained all night, I've never had a hot pocket before does it taste good?" he asked wondering if the other wanted to grab some food later with him given that he seemed to like food as much as he did. "I enjoy cooking it does take some time though If i ever cook for you I can just invite you over when it's done, then you reap the reward of my cooking" he mused smiling as he sipped his drink till the end before looking at the other. "That's cute Wally, I'm glad you like it, you know we don't have to end our company if you'd like, maybe we could look around together and grab some more treats?"

Wally:  "Put it to you this way. If you like wheat, corn and cows...and nothing else, than Kansas is a great place for you." He wasn't joking either. Outside of the cities that was pretty much what Kansas had. "Oh and tornadoes. But you get used to it." They didn't mean anything to him but even for the rest of the Kansas populations it was a normal enough occurrence that it didn't faze them too much. Wally was a little taken aback by the offer to cook for him. Out of the blue. They'd barely met but Gabe seemed so, open. More so even than him and that was saying something. "Well, I mean sure I'd love to hang out some more. And I'd love to try your cooking and show you what a hot pocket tastes like, not that it's anything to write home about. But...I don't know I'm just not used to people liking me so quickly. Are you sure you really to want to do this? I'm asking now so you don't make a mistake you might regret later." Wally winked and laughed but there was an undertone of insecurity there that he couldn't mask if he tried. It was just a habit of his to make light of things that worried him or things that he was unsure of.

Gabriel:  "I have to admit I've never seen a Cow up close are they cool animals? though I have to wonder what place you like more New York or Kansas" Gabe asked curiously things about Wally keep getting more and more interesting as he chatted with the other. "Tornadoes quite the thing they are destruction and beauty if you believe the whole eye of the storm thing" He mused He smiled softly at the other "I love cooking for people....that offer was odd huh? sorry I'm quite new at this whole making friends thing.  I'd like to try a hot pocket especially if you give me tips. I like you Wally you are fun to hang out with...I'm sorry if I'm too strange" He mused running a hand through his hair, humans were so hard to understand but then again he did like Wally. "I want to hang out more with you and get to know you, if you'd be willing to get to know me?"

Wally:  "Oh Kansas for sure. Don't get me wrong, New York is great and all. But in the famous words of Dorothy Gale, there's just no place like home." Keystone would always be his city and even if he was currently stationed in New York City he still cleaned up the Keystones streets any chance he got. Central too if Barry was busy. "I've seen tornadoes and cows up close and personal so I can say for sure that cows are cute and that tornadoes are awesome. The destruction isn't, but nature is incredible in it's own right." As Gabriel began to apologize Wally was quick to ease his worries. "No no you're not odd at all. I'm the one who's odd. Frankly I was just surprised you hadn't gotten tired of me yet. I'm not exactly everyone's cup of tea you know." He chuckled a little at the quip and smiled. "Of course I'd be happy to hang out with you. And if you really REALLY want to, I'll even get you a hot pocket. Though as a cook you might want to brace yourself. They're not exactly five star quality haha." This whole meeting felt incredibly serendipitous. Almost like it was too good to be true. That didn't bother Wally at all. He'd always been of the mind set that you roll with the good times and the bad. He was going to enjoy this new friendship as long as it lasted.

Gabriel: “Sounds like a nice place, maybe one day I can go visit down there, at least see where you came from and how cool it sounds.” Gabe replied smiling softly it was nice to see other places and he thinks he might have seen Kansas once upon a time but he hardly remembered anymore. “Cows and cute and tornadoes are awesome just so long as the destruction is kept to a minimum, Got it” He mused chuckling. Gabriel wasn’t sure if he mis-stepped but he was grateful when Wally told him he hadn't and he didn’t want to ruin his friendship. “Oh good I’m so glad to hear that you don’t find me odd. I don’t think I could, you are very fun Wally, I mean what about you makes people tired?” he questioned curiously what about Wally made people upset he couldn’t understand at all. “I don’t mind, My other siblings are huge snack lovers, they might have even fed them to me and I don’t remember every new thing they like to show me in terms of food there is a lot. But I can get some good ideas from them about food related fun” He mused happily chuckling softly before wrapping his arm around Wally’s shoulder. “This is going to be the start of a great friendship just you wait Wally.”

Wally:  Gabe definitely made Kansas sound a lot cooler than it actually was. Obviously Wally liked it because that was where he grew up and that's where his home city was but most people didn't really care for it. Especially people who were used to huge metropolitan areas. But Gabe seemed really interested so, why not? "Maybe I'll take you sometime. Show you the sights." Even if there weren't too many sights to see. This whole whirlwind of a friendship was fast even for Wally but he didn't mind one bit. Gabe was kind and generous and easy on the eyes. Wally wasn't surprised they hit it off so well but he was surprised at how quick Gabe was to defend him when they had only just met. The insecure part of him knew it was probably only temporary and that one day Gabe would grow tired of him but the optimistic side didn't really care. If that was what happened then he'd cross that bridge when they got there. For now he was just happy to get to know the guy. He smiled hearing him talk more about his siblings so fondly. "You're family sounds like a great bunch. Complicated, but still great. I'm lucky to find people who can tolerate me." He felt a warmth that had nothing to do with the hot chocolate cover him as Gabriel put his arm around him. For a second he wanted nothing more than to just stay like that, warm and safe and happy. He didn't know how long this would last, whatever this was, but he intended to enjoy every moment of it. "I think so too Gabe." A great friendship indeed. Whatever came next Wally was going to embrace it for however long he could. /END

[maximumninjavoid]

Chapter five of “ I STILL don’t know what the feck to call this”

There aren’t even warnings. What the eff am I even doing? Does it really matter?  Well, actually, no. It does not. As we proved JUST the other day, people are publishing absolute CRAP on Amazon about humanized coronavirus  and lord knows what all else and if you don’t believe me, look at some of the stuff Dick Tingle has written and he’s made a fecking fortune.

I hired a guide and went off to see the Palace, and the giant reclining Buddha. She was very well informed, knew all the best spots, and of course, had cousins that drove taxis, and had restaurants. I didn't have any issues stimulating the local economy and employing family. We went to this amazing silk place, I bought several bolts and shipped them to the States. If only I could see the looks on the recipients faces when they got there. I read some more emails from Ms. Rudenko, chuckled to myself at how well she was handling everything and everyone, and had a nasty giggle at the thought of someone trying to bulldoze their way past her. Eventually it was going to get out that I was the lottery winner, but I was going to cherish every moment I could. I called Ms. Rudenko and asked her to give me her professional opinion on a few matters. How big of a donation did one need to make in order to get the charity's celebrity ambassador to come thank you personally? Did you need a big cardboard cheque? How did she recommend I pull this off without looking like a complete stalker? I spent a few more days giggling at the documents in the secure cloud, getting wicked buzzed on Thai iced tea and writing. The words were coming fast and fluid, the dialog writing itself. I'd probably need a bit of professional polish but I really thought I had something I could sell. I needed a transcription specialist who was well versed in hieroglyphics. Admittedly, I had the handwriting of a serial killer. I was pretty certain I would be willing to commit several felonies for a decent cigarette. Didn't this country have some sort of colonial ties to Europe? I mean, didn't almost everywhere? You know, the sun never sets on Queen Victoria's petticoats or some shit? I should be able to find a fucking pack of Dunhills..The intelligence gathering was going very well. It was astonishing how good information gets to the highest bidder, and I am a reasonable beast who guards her information with a deadly ferocity. It was time to face the music, I supposed. I mean, I was going to have to go somewhere eventually. Somewhere where someone was going to put two and two together. I looked pretty good, I had a new wardrobe, I had my own personal pit bull in Louboutin pumps, I could do this. Or, I could just keep checking places off my bucket list and be a chicken shit. A really wealthy chicken shit, but a chicken shit none the less. They finally had a vaccine that worked, and I booked my cruise. One hundred and four days around the world, in a suite with a balcony. Did you know you can rent formal wear? You can. So, compromise. I'll go face the music, and then go jump on a very large ship and let Ms. Rudenko with the fallout. Its what I paid her to do. I went back to work. Remember? I love my job. I also loved hearing how great I looked. I mean, who wouldn't? I did have to turn in my notice. After two days, i felt human, dragged my ass to the airport and went home. House was still standing. Good sign. No break ins. Better sign. I did Grub hub, and went to bed, and I went back to work. Like nothing had happened. I tied up my loose work ends, explained to my boss, who is also a dear friend what the truth was, and started packing for my cruise. I played music I liked, lots of eighties, danced around the house and didn't call or email anybody. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to have to manufacture any bullshit, and it just seemed easier not to, and at some point, Ms. Rudenko would disburse funds, and you know, money speaks volumes, right? In fact, it screams. It screams so loudly that it can in fact get you a meeting with the celebrity ambassador of the Durrell  Conservation, and as it turns out, it will be when  the cruise ship docks. You get to choose. Will it be as you depart, or as you return from 108 days? Well, I mean, what was HIS schedule? For all I knew he was filming something somewhere fun, or chasing down heirloom rosemary and two hundred year old people. Maybe August Walker was getting the feature film he deserved. For all I knew he was filming the latest Bond film. And if he wasn't, well how much did it cost to produce a film? Seed money to get other people to invest their money? Hmmmm. This sounds like a job for Ms. Rudenko. Have you ever been on a cruise? Me either. A certain amount of this was me swallow my fear from the original Titanic movie. I was certain I was going to die like Shelley Winters, stuck in a bulkhead, as the ship goes under, with a Christmas tree jammed up her ass. So I was at the orientation, paying very close attention to the directions, noting ALL the locations of the life boats, and making notes of where the smoking sections are as well. Yeah. I know. All that money and a bloody balcony, and I can't smoke. I can't even use a e cigarette. I wasn't even going to do my usual joke about the fee for smoking in my room and is it a one time fee or every time you catch me? I had my own butler. That was lovely. Sort of like a well dressed version of my mother disapproving of my every move. He did a lovely job unpacking my things, and I noticed all the alcohol had been removed from my state room, and the pillow concierge did a smashing Job, and I'm already on the butler's shit list because I insist on coffee.

Off to explore the ship. There’s literally packets of information and a daily schedule. I don’t think I can persuade my butler for assistance. I have scheduled times for dinner and I have no idea with whom I shall be seated. But the Gentleman Walkers are an actual thing.  Ambassador Hosts. That’s their official job title. they’re specifically there on the ship for single women. Swear to Odin. They’re great dancers, great hosts, play cards, go on excursions, I mean, nice work if you can get it. There were about 2000 people on this ship, I was going to entertain myself and see if I could spot the hosts. This ship was enormous. I was worried about motions sickness, honestly, and we hadn’t gone that far. but this was literally a floating city. I resisted the impulse to do the titanic thing at the bow of the ship, and went down a level and walked down one side and then back up the other.

[thisyearingaming]

1997 - This Year in Gaming

Muggins here was born in ‘97, and can’t really remember much of it, natch. But there were some good things released this year - I’ve played every one of these, and have missed so many more.

Diablo - Windows, January 3rd

We start with dungeon-crawl-em-up and well-loved out of season April Fool’s Joke, Diablo. I’ll be totally honest - I don’t like Diablo that much. It’s absolutely fine, I just can’t get into it. The writing, setting and characters are all very good especially since this year only marks the beginning of games being seen as a bit more adult and intelligent. Check out this gameplay from Hour of Oblivion on YouTube, and marvel at the faux-Scottish accent on Griswold the blacksmith.

Mario Kart 64 - Nintendo 64, February 10th

Compared to its more recent versions, Mario Kart 64 is a veritable bloody relic of the past - solid controls and a quirky style mean it’s still a crowd pleaser to this day, but you’d be hard pressed to find anyone right now that would die on the hill of it being their favourite single-player racing experience. It’s also got some of the deepest, impenetrable lore in any medium known to the human race - why exactly is Marty the Thwomp locked up here?

Blast Corps - Nintendo 64, February 28th

February’s position as most boring month of the year is shaken up a bit by having a uniquely designed Rare game slammed into its 28-day long face. Blast Corps is the puzzle-action game where you take control of several vehicles to destroy homes and buildings in order to prevent a nuclear warhead exploding in the coolest incarnation of Cold War politicking ever seen in a video game. Calling Blast Corps a “hidden gem” these days is like calling Celeste a hidden gem - it impresses nobody and makes you look like a dick. 

Turok: Dinosaur Hunter - Nintendo 64, March 4th 

The N64 was home to a surprisingly large number of above-average shooters despite its muddy graphics and small cartridge space - Turok is one of these, a great FPS game where you shoot the SHIT out of dinosaurs. Brett Atwood of Billboard said it was like Doom and Tomb Raider mixed - Doom Raider, if you will. I say it isn’t - there’s no demons, and there’s no polygonal breasts to poke dinosaurs’ eyes out with! 

Castlevania: Symphony of the Night - Sony PlayStation, March 20th

What is a retrospective? A miserable little pile of opinions. I’ve only recently played through SotN for the very first time on a TOTALLY LEGITIMATE copy with a CRT filter. Bloody good (geddit?) game, that takes the repetition of its predecessors, improves on it in basically every conceivable way, and combines it with special effects and graphics that even 23 years later had me going “ooh, that looks quite good!” Symphony’s music and audio design are wonderfully paired with a deeply enjoyable experience that’ll have you saying “mm, maybe just one more room?”

Tekken 3 - Sony PlayStation, March 20th

Also releasing from the Land of the Rising Sun that day was Tekken 3, which many believe is still one of the best fighters ever made. Tekken 3′s combat is so fast and responsive that it’s better than some games made today. T3 is also the best and easiest way to knock seven shades of absolute shite out of your friends without risking a massive head injury or a trip to the headmaster’s office... where you could also challenge him, but only if he plays as my favourite Not-Guile-or-Ken character in gaming, Paul. 

Sonic Jam - Sega Saturn, June 20th

The moment Sega realised that re-packaging old Mega Drive games would net them serious cash - although unlike later collections, this is a strictly Sonic affair, and has a neat little 3D world to run around in as a sort of hub world. Sonic X-Treme proved that Sonic Team would have to work hard at getting the fastest thing alive into 3D space properly: Jam is the sort of test ground for it too. It features some genuinely good emulation work for 1997, although it’s basically the gaming equivalent of going round to your grandparents at Christmas only for them to give you the exact same gifts you got in 1991, 1992 and 1994 but wrapped in a bow to make you think it’s different. What are you lookin’ at, you little blue devil?

Star Fox 64 - Nintendo 64, June 30th

So there’s this German company, right, called StarVox. Nintendo look at Europe and say “shit, we don’t want another lawsuit... after all, we’ve done three this year!”. So they give us in the PAL region the exciting title of Lylat Wars which as far as I know means absolutely fucking nothing in the context of the game. They’re still called Star Fox in-game too so what was the point? Anyway, fun 3D shooter with graphics that’ll make you do a barrel roll off the sofa and onto the power button to make the brown and green blurs a little easier on the eyes. Hello 2007, I’ve come back to make old references with you!

Carmageddon - Windows, July 30th

The game so scary it was BANNED in the UK! More like the game so fucking shit it was banned. Carmageddon is so deeply boring to play on PC that I can only imagine that Stainless Games made it tasteless by 90s standards simply to ramp up demand - much like another game we’ll be covering soon. 

Herc’s Adventures - Sony PlayStation, July 31st

“And they said Kratos was the best hero? Shish... they got it wrong, sister! Hercules is clearly better... he even has a coconut weapon.” A surprisingly fun overhead action game that most people only know for... well, I’ll just embed it.

Mega Man X4 - Sony Playstation, August 1st

A few years ago I tried playing every Mega Man game there is - I gave up at X3 because I was getting bored. Even still, Mega Man bores me - but at least the level design is good. Stay away from the Windows port. Pictured: me in the background yawning.

GoldenEye 007 - Nintendo 64, August 25th 

The name’s Intro. Overused intro which I also managed to fuck up twice through the deeply editable medium of text. GoldenEye is like the Seinfeld of console shooters - playing it nowadays you’re unlikely to be amazed but holy shit there’s some absolute greatness in this game. Every sound and every piece of music in GoldenEye is permanently seared into my brain - sometimes I’ll just hear Facility or Frigate in my head alongside the door opening sound and the gentle PEW of the PP7. I mean come on, fucking listen to this and tell me Grant Kirkhope isn’t cool as all hell.

LEGO Island - Windows, September 26th

The first open world experience I ever had was LEGO Island. It’s still quite good today, utterly deranged animation from the likes of the Infomaniac and Brickster - a cautionary tale for children that giving pizza to high-profile criminals is disastrous for the human LEGO race. 

Fallout - Windows, October 10th

War never changes, but franchises do. Fallout’s legendary status in the industry is exemplified in how different it feels. Yes, we had the game Wasteland nine years prior, but until September 97 there was nothing quite like Fallout. From the chilling introduction sequence showing the ruins of the United States to the tragic ending, Fallout is an exercise in pure human misery with the brightest spots of hope it can possibly muster thrown in for good measure. What begins as a tedious isometric point-and-click RPG ends as a minigun-wielding power fantasy, before your entire worth is stripped from you at the finish line. You have 500 days to find a water chip before it’s too late, but you’re constantly being fought by terrifying Super Mutants, irradiated animals, and the biggest monster of all - humanity. See what I did there? If anything, humanity in Fallout’s setting would be the greatest unifying force possible against the horror of the outside world. But how is it? It’s dull, it’s sluggish, and it’s really hard to get into even if you’re already a fan - but push through that and it’s worthwhile to see exactly how far the series got before Todd Howard said “eh fuck it” and had the whole thing dipped into an FEV vat.

Grand Theft Auto - Sony PlayStation, October 21st

To put it simply, the first in the GTA series is now nothing but a novelty. It has an irritating camera, wonky controls, poor graphics and deeply repetitive gameplay. But thank fuck it exists, because without it the Rockstar story may have been very different indeed. It’s quintessential cops and robbers gameplay, spanning across Liberty City, Vice City and San Andreas in one game, but with maps so far removed from their modern incarnations they may as well be named “Not New York, Possibly Bristol and Orange Town”. People really fucking hated Hare Krishnas in the 20th Century, didn’t they?

Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back - Sony PlayStation, October 31

A hard one to talk about, honestly - it’s more Crash and better than the first one. It looks great, and Crash controls so well compared to his first outing. It’ll also keep you playing for 100%, fiendishly addictive and unashamedly difficult. Had a weird cover that moved with your head. 

PaRappa the Rapper - Sony PlayStation, November 17th

Type type type the words into the box! (Type, type, type - uh oh - the box?)

PaRappa is a gorgeously stylised rhythm game about rapping to steal the heart of the girl of your dreams - which involves learning karate, getting your driver’s license, selling bottle caps and frogs, making a cake, desperately trying not to shit yourself, and finally performing live on stage. Every one of its segments is so well-produced that they’d genuinely sell like ghost cookies in this era of shite rap. Notable for producing the greatest Jay-Z backing track ever made.

Sonic R - Sega Saturn, November 18th

Sonic R is absolutely FINE with vibrant textures, interesting levels, neat gimmicks and decent controls. But I’m gonna talk about its fucking AWESOME soundtrack by Richard Jacques and T.J. Davis, an eclectic mix of Europop and New Jack Swing - even thinking about it is bringing tears of absolute joy to my eyes hearing Super Sonic Racing in my head. You’ve got the main theme, Living in the City, Can You Feel the Sunshine, Back in Time, Diamond in the Sky, Work It Out and Number One - all of these are absolute club bangers and genuinely wouldn’t be out of place in a 90s disco. 

Tomb Raider II - Sony PlayStation, November 18th

Lara Croft returns to single-handedly endanger every species on Earth. TR2 is really good, the exploration and puzzle-solving aspects of the first game expanded upon here and the gunplay remaining just as punchy. Lara’s got a fully-functioning ponytail which absolutely boggles the fucking mind - a lot of work went into Lara’s hair for the 2013 reboot, so I can’t imagine the amount of man hours it took to get fluid(ish, come on, it’s the PS1 we’re talking about) hair movements in 1997. 

And really, that’s all I played from 1997. I’ve left out big hitters like Quake II, Gran Turismo and Diddy Kong Racing, but I simply haven’t formed an opinion on them yet. Maybe in a future post. 

Thanks for reading.

[crepuscular-gloom]

Poptropica Island Ratings

okay I saw a post on here a while ago and someone rated the Poptropica islands. I remember agreeing with a lot of them, but they only went so far so a lot of the newer islands were missed out. I came across it again recently and got hit by a wave of nostalgia so I’m gonna do my own now. Unoriginal content very good. i’ll put a keep reading link to stop it from taking up too much space

Early Poptropica - mega nostalgia but kinda boring. I like the original Poptropicans being pixely and there is a goth gf in the sewers however the giant green spider scared the shit out of me as a kid and the idea of an aircraft graveyard made me sad so 6/10

Shark Tooth Island - also nostalgic but I didn’t complete it for a long time for some reason.. very short. it has a story but its there is nasty shark and people stuck on an island so make a calming potion. the medicine man looks like he is from viva pinata so 6/10

Time Tangled Island - VERY GOOD AND FUN AND HISTORICAL FUCK THAT AZTEC THO DICKHEAD. quite lengthy for an island but this is good because that means more time periods to explore. it’s also educational but i just care about restoring time. very legendary the iconic just jumped out - 10/10

24 Carrot Island - stupid pun point taken off. introduces Dr Hare and people are THIRSTY. you can dye your hair with milkshakes. i thought it was creepy as a kid honestly. i think its mind control or something. but i like it, it still has nostalgia value 8/10

Super Power Island - very legend like. i loooove the antagonists, especially copy cat but i think i had to look up a guide to beat her because i was dumb af. you need a licence to be a superhero but you are a superhero!!! very fun i like this one a lot 10/10

Spy Island - i remember sucking at this one as well as a kid.  i think it fucks with peoples hair and i only remember because my character looks fresh 100% of the time and this island fucked it up i think. i don't really remember it tho. 5/10

Nabooti Island - it’s based on a Choose Your Own Adventure book so good premise. go around the world is also good. you have to get jewels i think. ngl i didn’t finish this one because i sucked at it so i’m just going off the wiki and how far i got into it. fuck the animal puzzle 7/10

Big Nate Island - who the fuck is Big Nate. i only remember the school climbing frame and a stink bomb. fuck you big nate we don’t have your comics in England 1/10

Astro-Knights Island - medieval knights.... IN SPACE?!?! COUNT ME IN. crazy jester bard guy antagonist. people are thirsty for him too. i’m pretty sure you end up in another dimension or something. cyborgs and shit 9/10

Counterfeit Island - bruh i loved this island. pretty sure antagonist is also making people thirsty. you have to go back to Early Poptropica Island to complete it, very cool. investigating crime is cool idea it’s l.a. noire in poptropica. the wiki says there is a glitch called anti-social clown and i have to say relatable 9/10

Reality TV Island - i think i completed this like twice and i remember jackshit. you get to see past characters tho so very good. it’s just doing challenges. 4/10

Mythology Island - VERY GOOD. LEARN ABOUT MYTHOLOGY. you can fight hydra and other creatures, you meet Zeus you meet Hades, Aphrodite is a bitch. 9/10

Skullduggery Island - pirates are always good no matter what. apparently it is one of the hardest islands which explains why i never completed it but you fight other pirates and sea monsters for doubloons or some shit sounds cool to me 8/10

Steamworks Island - steampunk is good. i remember completing this and thinking it was interesting and weird to look at. i think the atmosphere is was lonely tho. there’s a boss battle against a plant i think. otherwise i don’t fuckin remember 7/10

Great Pumpkin Island - it’s Peanuts so it’s nice. very nice and simple. it’s just about the great pumpkin except you’re there. 6/10

Cryptids Island - GOD TIER. CRYPTIDS IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA. some of it is scary tho. the jersey devil just fucking staring at you from the window was a shit the bed moment for a kids game. also before the islands got rebooted, it was one of the only islands to have sound effects, i.e. when the chupacabra bursts out the box. honestly because of the balls on this kids game to scare children and also being good island 10/10

Wild West Island - the only thing better than pirates is cowboys. i don’t really remember it but you do go against an outlaw gang. i like cowboys 10/10

Wimpy Wonderland Island - Jeff I know you made doawk and poptropica but did you have to show it. ngl i liked it because i like doawk. but it’s kinda... creatively bankrupt i guess. 3/10 2 points because Rodrick is there

Red Dragon Island - i think more time travel but just to old Japan. you have to save a girl. that’s all i remember. also i think there is a nasty samurai guy. but also evil dragon. i can’t remember because for the longest time this was a premium account only island so i never got to finish it for the longest time. that was a dick move 7/10 for that alone.

Shrink Ray Island - cool premise but this island expects me to learn morse code 3/10

Mystery Train Island - detectives? on a train? very nice. basically murder on the orient express except no murder and thomas edison is there and also various other 1700/1800 nerds

Game Show Island - basically Reality TV except it’s to save the world from robots. 5/10

Ghost Story Island - wow iconic. this is the only island with voice acting and it’s to fucking jumpscare you i shat myself.  ghost hunting, very cool 10/10

S.O.S Island - it’s basically Titanic mixed with Moby Dick. it’s ok 6/10

Vampire’s Curse Island - i reaaaally like this one. i like vampires. it has a vampire daddy in it so. he kidnaps a teenage girl tho because he thinks its the love of his life who is dead. kinda weird. he does stop being insane at the end tho and says sorry and dies. the girls bf is a dickhead tho. 9/10

Twisted Thicket Island - i think you’re saving a forest from becoming housing. i really like it because it introduces various folkloric creatures like the nokken. i only remember the nokken because i went on akinator to see if he knew what it was and i don’t think he did so i added it and it’s photo to his database. or maybe it was just his photo but i remember uploading something to akinator. 8/10

Poptropolis Games Island - i don’t think i liked this one 3/10

Wimpy Boardwalk Island - Jeff. 2/10 1 point added because Rodrick is also there

Lunar Colony Island - space is good. do i remember this island tho? no. i think theres aliens tho. 5/10 because i like space and aliens.

Super Villain Island - it brings back the most memorable villains like binary bard and black widow. you find out why they are evil. pretty chill 8/10

Charlie and The Chocolate Factory Island - what do you expect 5/10

Zomberry Island - the last of us except i think people are just eating nasty berries really. i like it it’s spooky 7/10

Night Watch Island - Paul Blart Mall Cop 6/10

Back Lot Island - you make a film. i can’t remeber it like at all. 6/10 because it sounds ok

Poptropolis Games Island Part 2 - fuck off 2/10

Virus Hunter Island - i don’t think i completed this one either. however it is one of those inside the human body things which is always cool if cliche. 8/10

Mocktropica Island - very satirical what if about if poptropica was run by assholes. ironic since a bunch of islands were made premium only for a while. pretty sure the bonus missions still are too which is why i’m not mentioning them. funny tho 7/10

Monster Carnival Island - spooky yes. people thirst over the ringmaster raven guy too. theres a spooky clown on the ferris wheel. i don’t remember much other than i liked it because it was about monsters in a theme park. 9/10 i remember it was surprisingly short tho

Survival Island - castaway except it’s you. i don’t remember it either lmao. i got out of touch with old poptropica real bad by this time so my next ratings might be unfair sorry. pretty sure it also becomes the most dangerous game tho and some guy wants to actually fucking kill you. ballsy. 7/10 because it sounds ok i should maybe play it.

Mission Atlantis Island - i like atlantis but i didn’t play this one either. you see deepsea creatures which are spooky so extra points 8/10

PoptropiCon Island - poptropica’s answer to comicon. now i did play this one for some reason but i don’t remember it too well either. i was 14 when it came out so. sounds like yu-gi-oh so good. 7/10

Arabian Nights Island - didn’t play it i think it’s just telling the story. it’s a cool story so 7/10

Galactic Hotdogs Island - what the fuck 1/10

Mystery of The Map Island - vikings are cool. island seems very short tho. 5/10

Timmy Failure Island - who the fuck. this would be more impactful if i read these fucking things but i don’t. who the fuck are you timmy. i guess it’s called failure for a reason. (that was mean sorry) 1/10

Escape from Pelican Rock Island - prison break, nice idea. you have like a twin in this one. seems a bit repetitive sometimes tho. theres like 7 days of doing similar things. 6/10

Monkey Wrench Island - it was created to be the new tutorial, i.e. an actual tutorial rather than Early Poptropica. very fast and boring, especially if you already know everything. 2/10

Crisis Caverns Island - i know nothing about this. even the wiki is incomplete. maybe that means its shit then. 1/10 the wiki doesn’t even care too much about this one.

Greek Sea Odyssey - more ancient greece is always good. you get to beat the shit out of zeus this time 8/10

Snagglemast Island - all you do is collect coins. another tutorial one. 1/10.

bonus: home island. legit just a hub. points added because you can do a lot of customisation here and pick up a pet that doesn’t cost credits. 4/10

DOUBLE BONUS: the little haunted house mini thing. very good because spooky costumes, spooky house fun little monster party. 10/10

[incorrectly-quoted-queers]

Drunk Punch Love: Chapter 8

Pairing: FemShep and Garrus Vakarian (Shakarian)

Rating: PG-13 (with some tossed F-bombs)

Summary: Their awkward, badass journey through saving the galaxy and accidentally falling in love

The emptier the ship got, the more apparent it was that the ones left were avoiding her.

Chapter 8: Bloody Workout Gear

Quite a few of the crew-members from the Saren mission were taking shore leave on the Citadel, while the Normandy was hopping around the galaxy, taking people home. Tali had gone back to the Flotilla, despite Anya insisting that she'd buy a few junk ships and be her new flotilla if she wanted. And they were currently on their way to drop Wrex off on Tuchanka. He decided, after all their time together, that maybe he should head back and try to bring some order to his people. After all, there was a war coming and Krogan enjoyed a good war.

But it was a little awkward when Kaidan and Liara were still on board and she sometimes went days without seeing them. Liara spent most of her time in her science office, analyzing any Prothean artifacts they had and preparing for her next research position, which they were taking her to after Wrex was gone. And Kaidan was always spending his time with Chakwas, Joker, or working with newer recruits. Basically anything away from Shepard.

Even Garrus seemed to be avoiding her. He kept on saying he was busy with some calibrations, always under the Mako, or working on their guns. She thought they were finally good, actually more than good, after Ashley's funeral. But maybe they weren't.

Anya knew that Kaidan had a very good reason to avoid her; she broke his heart into too many pieces that night before Ilos, and she understood that. And she knew Liara was really overwhelmed by suddenly being the foremost researcher on everyone's new favorite ancient species. She at least apologized for continually ditching Shepard at every turn.

Garrus really was the confusing part; she had no clue what she did.

The only person left talking to her was Wrex. She'd have Joker, but Kaidan was holding her favorite pilot hostage as his own personal buddy, so that wasn't an option. It was kinda pathetic that the only person who would talk to her was about to abandon ship in a day or two.

At least the guy loved taking breaks to do some target practice.

"Your aim is shit today, Shepard."

Anya grumbled, took another shot at the target. This time, she hit a half-inch off. "It's not bad."

Wrex laughed at her, laying his own gun on his shoulder. He pointed a very accusatory finger at the target and said, "Yeah, sure. You and the turian can spend hours here waiting for someone to miss, but missing it every time today isn't that bad."

"Fuck off, old man."

Even though she put her pistol in the holster and tried to walk away, Wrex followed her. All the way upstairs to the kitchen, even. "So what's eating you?"

Anya didn't really want to hear it. "Absolutely nothing."

"You say that like a Varren gnawing off their own leg."

Turning around, Anya punched his chest plate. She was pretty over all his prying. The only good part of hanging out with him was their very short conversations. When did it suddenly need to get all serious? "What is it with you and comparing me to Varren?"

"I dunno, you're kinda like one. Vicious and badass, but kinda cute when domesticated."

"It sounds like you're calling me a dog." Shepard took her blueberry juice out of the fridge and poured herself a glass. It was hard not to notice how empty the mess was; empty enough that their voices kind of echoed.

Wrex sat down on a stool across from her. Mental note that if she wants to be bitter and alone, to remove all seating from the kitchen. "No clue what that is, but sure." He gave a pointed look between Anya and the fridge. She groaned, but maybe it would shut him up. She poured him a glass of some very dense Krogan beverage (non alcoholic) and slid it to him. Unfortunately for her, that didn't stop him from talking. "Hope you're not getting feeble on me. I'm expecting you to take care of the galaxy while I take care of Tuchanka."

"I wouldn't dare." When Wrex started drinking, Anya's prayers seemed to be answered. He was glugging down the- beverage? It smelled nice, but looked like sludge. She didn't really know what to make of it. The silent company was nice, reminded her she had friends but didn't remind her that she was off her game because of the other fickle crewmates.

Well, it was good until a certain pilot walked up. "Ooh blue juice? Pass me some of that."

Anya glared at him while she got out the juice, poured another glass, and then handed it to him. She hoped her annoyance seethed into the drink. "Joker, what the hell are you doing here?"

"We're stopped above Tuchanka. We got here early. No one tell you over comms?"

Looking between Wrex and herself, Anya shook her head. "Um, no. That's your job."

"Right... Well, I've taken to not broadcasting my location all over the ship. Sure, I may be at the pilot's seat 10/10 times, but a certain angsty biotic doesn't need to know that."

Shepard peered at Joker and crossed her arms. "Is that why you've been pinging everyone whenever you're in weird places around the ship?"

"Convinced Tali to give me a device that lets me say I'm anywhere without having to be there."

"C'mon, Kaidan can't be that bad."

"He's not, unless he's in a bug funk mood about a certain Commander rejecting him. Oh wait, he is." After frowning at her and rolling his eyes, Joker then turned to Wrex and said, "We told the drop ship that you'd be ready in thirty minutes."

The tall Krogan downed the rest of his drink. "Good thing I haven't packed yet." He waved at them before heading downstairs. Presumably, to do that packing thing. That left Joker, Anya, and the blueberry juice.

After a sip from his glass, Joker said, "So, haven't seen any cranky turians in your room lately."

Anya was about ready to throw her drink at him. Glass first, hopefully. "You shouldn't be seeing anyone in my room, because you shouldn't ever be there in the first place."

"A guy's gotta protect his bones, okay?"

"We're both nearly 30, Joker, maybe stop getting so drunk you need your old academy roomie to babysit you."

Joker took another sip, which seemed to be a sure sign of him saying something annoying. "So you are really bothered about not hanging out with Garrus lately."

"I'm going to break your dick, I swear."

"At least aim for a more impressive threat, Shep. Because that's not a hard thing for anyone to do."

Grumbling, Anya didn't want to dance around whatever stupid point he was trying to make. "Okay, fine. What do you want to say about it?"

"You two just seemed cozy, hanging out on that couch."

"We have a weekly movie night, this isn't exactly wild news."

"I know. Even more suspicious."

Anya was pretty over it. Joker was having too much fun dancing around what he really wanted to say, and she'd rather he just spit it the fuck out. Especially since she knew he was enough of a Kaidan beacon to need anti-lieutenant protocols. She didn't really want to have to deal with that right now, either. "Get to the fucking point, Jeff."

"All I'm saying is that you don't get very cozy with people. Exhibit A is literally stalking me around this ship out of heartbreak. I just want to get a feel on what's happening here. Mama bear would be interested if you're getting close to someone. She was pretty pissed you didn't tell her about Rike back in the day."

"One, why are you discussing my sex life with my mother? And two, there's nothing for her or you to be pissed or prying about. So shove off it."

"You say that, but I have eyes."

"Not for long if you keep this up."

"Fine, fine. I'm just saying, why aren't you talking to him?"

"I-" Before she could say anything, Wrex came upstairs, dragging Vakarian in tow. Garrus looked a little shell-shocked and Anya couldn't help but stare. Wrex didn't even let the poor guy wipe the oil grease off his face.

Then very loudly, Wrex announced, "Now, you two are gonna escort me down to Tuchanka."

While she and Garrus were just swallowing down the awkwardness between them, Wrex was shouldering his pack. Joker said, "I wish I could pack that fast. Damn."

Leaving her blueberry juice, Anya tried to get a handle on the very quickly changing situation. "I'll just go grab my armor-"

"No need, I just wanna show off that the so called "savior of the Citadel" has my back. Good way to start showing dominance and fixing shit up, right?"

Anya didn't even know how to argue. "I guess, sure. The workout gear will do."

He threw an arm around her and Garrus and then dragged them to the stairs. "Time to show my planet I'm back."

They followed him to the docking port in relative silence. Their next few minutes were spent entering a drop ship and watching the burning planet all the way to the surface. No one spoke. Wrex had this purposeful energy to him, and she didn't know what to say out loud that they hadn't already said the past few days.

But Garrus, across from her? He seemed like he was itching with something. He kept on fidgeting with his armor and checking the clips on his sniper rifle. Even that night she was a drunken idiot, he could look at her the next day. Albeit after a lot of awkward talking, but now he seemed a world away. What made it worse was that she had no clue how to reach him.

When they landed, Wrex was happy to walk out into the Krogan hub, with the blistering sun hitting his face. but when he exited into the harsh brightness, Anya suck it up and opted for the least tactful approach. She grabbed Garrus' arm. "I don't know what I did, but whatever it was, I'm sorry."

"Shepard, I-"

His answer was interrupted by Wrex calling them over to a group of nearby Krogan. The entire ship port experience was Wrex just dragging her around, telling slightly exaggerated stories of how badass he was to prove a point. She understood that for a merc coming home, this was the equivalent of networking. But with the turian on his other side, she couldn't help but feel like she had some things to say that were getting overrun by Wrex's posturing.

That is, until she felt a bullet whiz past her ear. She turned her head around and saw a trio of Krogan running their way. With a quick order to take cover barked at her companions, Anya dove behind cover as quickly as she could. From the looks of their armor, they didn't seem to have any merc gang affiliations, so her only source of information was the krogan in cover next to her. "What the hell, Wrex?! You told me not to wear armor!"

He shrugged. "I figured someone might come after me. Chances were low, but it definitely proves a bigger point if we kick their ass in no armor."

"You're not wrong, but I hate you for it. You owe me new workout gear if this gets bloody."

"I can do that."

Lucky for her, Wrex brought along the two best shots on the team. And even better, the krogan attacking were mostly relying on shotguns. They just had to shoot 'em out before they got too close. She just had to hope their durability wasn't great.

Just as they downed the lead krogan, she noticed a shimmer on the other side of Garrus. Any infiltrator knew what that meant. "Vakarian! Tactical cloak to your left." Garrus reacted accordingly and they shot the stealthy one down, but it made her a little more wary of what they were up against. Looking towards her krogan friend, she yelled, "Shit, Wrex, they must really want you dead."

"Great, huh?"

"Not the word I'd use for it."

Anya was about to peek out from cover and take some shots at the final krogan, but Garrus beat her to the punch. "Shepard, look out!" He was rolling from his cover to hers and dragged her to where Wrex was hiding.

And right after they got behind the metal crates, the final krogan barrelled through the box she'd been hiding behind. Her eyes met Garrus' and she said, "Thanks." The second she spoke, though, he released her waist like it was a ticking grenade and instead stood up, shot the krogan in the eye, and he dropped dead.

Wrex stood up and smirked. "That's the best welcome home present I've ever gotten."

"Bud, we're gotta have a conversation about what you find endearing." Taking a deep breath, Anya glanced down at her shirt and noticed there was a few drops of blood on her. They seemed to be coming from a forehead scrape from when Garrus dragged her away from the danger box. "Shit. And you definitely owe me new clothes."

"Technically Garrus did that."

"Yeah, but you're the one who made me come without my gear."

"Fine, I'll send the credits. But it was worth it."

When her omni-tool pinged with the money, she let out a sigh. It also emptied out any annoyance for putting her life in danger, since everyone always did that to her all the time. Including herself. "Tell us if you got too many assassins to handle."

"I think I'll be set after that display of quads." Then, Wrex turned to her and Garrus and pulled them into a hug. "Until next time." And when he stepped back, he gave Anya a wink. "Vakarian. Shepard."

She rolled her eyes, but played along. "Wrex."

And then he picked up his bag and walked off.

Anya should definitely be less surprised that they just had the most krogan goodbye in existence. But for now, she'd settle for getting off the damn planet. She just jogged her ass back to the drop ship. While Shepard wasn't one for running away, she also wasn't about to encourage any other krogan to try to fight her, not like this. If she was lucky she could rub out the blood and have two pairs of good workout gear.

Garrus followed behind silently and, in a few short minutes, they were closed up in the drop ship, her wound was bandaged, and they were heading back to the Normandy.

But that was when the real battle started. Anya hated to admit it, but Joker was right. She couldn't stand not talking to Garrus, and it had to stop. "Garrus..."

"Shepard, I'm leaving."

The words hung between them like a dead man. Her fingers felt numb. After too long of him not looking at her, Anya asked, "What?"

"When we talked, I figured out I wanted to do more for the galaxy. Like you do. And the next day, I got an offer to join the Spectres training program. I said yes."

Everything felt so dry and cold, the air, her skin, the energy between them. Anya didn't really know how to process it. But she did know what she should say, what was honest and true. "You'd make a great Spectre, Garrus." Then, she tried to add it all together, and still ended up lost and confused. "But then why were you avoiding me?"

"Because I didn't know how to tell you I was leaving. Or maybe I just didn't want to tell you." Garrus sighed and sat down next to her. "I know this is what I want, but that doesn't mean I want to leave you. I didn't want you to feel like that's why I did it."

"Of course not. I get it." There were a lot of feelings running around her head, but in all honesty? Few of them had anything to do with him. She was proud of him and admired him. He wanted to be a hero. How could she blame any of her fantastic team for wanting to make a difference, even if it meant leaving her?

The only real things making her pause were her own, irrelevant feelings of attachment to him. And they were her problem, not his. So, like a good friend, Anya shut up the feelings and added, "When do you leave?"

"Two weeks. We'll drop off Liara, check out Alchera for the Council, and then when we stop back to the Citadel to report, I stay."

Anya crossed her arms and gave him the most deadpan, serious look she could. "Well, we got a lot of movies to watch before that, then."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. You ever heard of James Bond?"

///

The thought of Garrus leaving literally cracks my heart so that’s fun. 

I’m sick an burning my tongue with warm beverages like a proper knob, but posting this stuff and being my weird creative self with you folks help make it better <3 

The true behind the screens drama is that I’m sick ALL THE TIME so sorry if that’s the narrative 50% of the time.

Anyway, thanks so much for reading, and double thanks to my lovely patrons:

Danyell Jones

Amy Connolly

If you'd like to support my writing and creations, please go check out my bio for more info :) (hint, I’m trying to buy a desktop to share more of my goon, fandom trash behavior with everyone. Any support is appreciated!) 

[hanistarxx]

Against Elysium - Chapter 1

A Modern Greek Mythology AU with Fem!Hades & Fem!Persephone

Summary: All Omisha ever knew was death. She has never felt the warmth of the sun or the breeze of a stormy wind. She has never seen beauty in her kingdom of desolation, or heard the soothing music of assurance. Seraphina wanted to change that. All in the name of love. And Gods forbid anyone who dared to separate them. For if anyone did,a war is what would become of it.

Pairings: Zoe Kravitz x Adria Arjona (Fem!Hades x Fem!Persephone) 

Warnings: None, Mention of Pedophilia, Mention of Molestation and Attempted Rape 

Word Count: 1.5K

Against Elysium - Masterlist

“YOU’RE getting old, Willy,” 

Thana taunted, her focus on the opponent ahead, her hands clenched tightly on the carved hilt of her sai. Her feet steady on the ground, as she circled William, ready to strike again. 

Leaning against the stone walls that encircled the fighting arena, stood her sisters Saskia and Kiara. Both of them eyed viciously at the fighters, curious to see who would come out of the battle victorious. 

As Thana lifted her hands to land yet another blow on her competitor, William stuck his left leg out, tripping her as she advanced onto him. She fell front face to the ground with a cry, while her sisters merely winced. 

“Old, yes. Out of tricks? Never,” he said, with a smug smile plastered on his face. Thana turned, violently pushing her hair out of her face, displeased with the fact that she had lost a fight because she lost her balance. 

“Yeah, keep glaring at me like that. Maybe my head will explode, who knows?” he sarcastically continued. 

For a middle aged man, William Chavez sure did not look like it. Neither did he act like it. Alongside Naya, he was the royal advisor to the Queen. 

If Omisha was ever in doubt, she would turn to her most trusted compatriots. And while Naya advised through words, William was in charge of vodka shots and a whole lot of crying. 

At all times, William and Omisha would be the ones most drunk after their advisory meetings, resulting in a disgruntled Naya carrying them both off to bed. 

As for the Erinyes’, days in the Underworld passed by routinely. If they were not sent to the mortal realm, punishing criminals, they would waste their time hanging around Omisha.

Though this was strongly disliked by the latter, for their presence could sometimes be exasperating. 

On other days, when they were doing neither of those things, they could be found training and fighting in the Arena. 

“You’re a Fury and you lost another fight to the God of Non-Violent Death,” Saskia stated, “Non-Violent Death, Thana, could you be more humiliating?” 

“Shut up,” Thana replied seethingly as she pushed herself up from the dirt, her sai aimed towards her sister. 

“停下来,” Kiara intervened, stepping between them. “You two are acting like fools. It’s just a practise fight, calm down.” 

“Easy for you to say. You always win your fights,” Saskia mumbled. 

Kiara laughed, grabbing her katana and taking her stance, challenging William to another mock battle. 

Just as they were about to begin, they found themselves mysteriously shackled to the ground, They were bound and frozen by something unseen. 

Naya walked calmly towards the group. A sardonic smile on her face, clearly proving herself as the source of the mischievous magic. 

“Omisha needs us. The number of souls you’ve collected were too many. She needs a few more pairs of hands to sort them out,” Naya said to William.

“You three,” she continued, pointing to the Lins’ this time. “Someone on Earth is being a sick bastard. Go show him what happens to a pedophile, would you?” 

The sisters smirked, eyes turned menacing. It was time for them to have some real fun. 

They grabbed their weapons, headed to their garage and sped off on their matching black motorbikes. All ready to maim and torture. 

"Men. Dead or alive, they're bothering us," Will said, dragging himself back to work. Naya sighed, agreeing with her friend. 

Another day, another thousand souls.

----------

“BUT Mama, it’s not that far away,” 

Seraphina persisted. She was worn out after a long and tiring day. She had accompanied her mother in the paddy fields. Then after, the two went back to their greenhouse to continue gardening.

All she wanted to do for the rest of the evening was to enjoy a little summer breeze by the lake situated a few minutes away from her home. She wished for some time alone, a breather. A break from her mother. 

“It’s getting dark, miha,” Isabela said, “What did I tell you about going out after dark?” 

The mother daughter duo started walking back to their small house. It wasn’t much, but to Isabela it was home. A single story brick cottage, it’s exterior’s beige paint chipping off at some areas. Small little trails of vines, creeping around the edges of the windows. 

Their home nestled within numbers of tall trees in an indistinct forest. Cloaked and unseen by mortals, it was the perfect safe haven for her. Away from the bustling metropolitan city, where danger lurked in every dirty alley. 

Seraphina sighed, rolling her eyes discreetly behind her mother’s back. She knew her mother was going to deny her the freedom to go out, but she couldn’t help but to at least try.  

As they approached their house, a familiar figure stood, leaning against the archway pillar of their porch. Illyana Vince. 

With a gleeful smile, Seraphina skipped past her mother, to greet her friend. Illyana took her hands out of her signature denim jacket to welcome her with a hug. 

Seraphina would always be visited by her huntress friend, almost every day. Her social circle was extravagantly small, all thanks to her mother, but she liked it. She wasn’t, however, entirely content about it. She knew she could make more friends. 

If only she was allowed to go further past the picket fence that surrounded her realm. 

“Where were you?” she asked gingerly, their hands still intertwined.  

“I had a meeting with Moerani. I thought I’d drop by and spend some time with you.” Illyana winked. Seraphina turned to her mother and pleaded for permission with her eyes. 

“Fine, you can go. But, be back home by eight and Illyana has to be with you at all times,” her mother retorted. With that, Seraphina tugged her friend and they went off their way. 

Upon reaching the lake, the girls sat on the big rocks by the bank. They took their shoes off and dipped their feet into the cool water below. The sun had already started to descend making the sky looked as if it was on fire. 

“What was the meeting with Mr. Moerani about?” she asked, tearing her gaze away from the sunset and towards the girl beside her.

“I had to debrief him about what happened this morning. Some scum excuse of a man attacked a girl in a school. I heard her prayers, she sounded so terrified.” 

“What did he do to her?” she asked, slightly angered.

With a heavy disappointed sigh, Illyana said, “He molested her. He didn’t get that far. As soon as I got there, the Erinyes had him already. Pinned down on the floor. All bruised and bloodied.

I found the little girl hiding under a table. Brought her home and informed her parents. Poor girl, she was only seven. Men are really disgusting.” 

There was no secret that Illyana had a strong dislike for men. They had dicks for brains, as she would say so. The only three men she didn’t mind associating with were her brother, Jacob and William. 

Illyana talked about how she returned back to the school to finish the Erinyes’ work. If it was one thing the blonde loved doing, it was protecting the young, especially if it gave her the chance to beat up some second grade douche.  

Seraphina felt anger boil in her veins. How could anyone even think of committing such heinous crimes? She had heard countless stories from her friends about the world outside. Mortals were either killing each other or forcing themselves on others. 

That made her understood why her mother is keeping her within the cloaked abode of her realm. But she would not render herself weak or afraid. If she were to encounter such cruelty, whether it be upon her or someone else, she would raise Hell itself. 

“Raise Hell huh? I don’t think Omisha would like that. That lady took a thousand years to organize the chaos down there, ” Illyana spoke, smugly. 

Seraphina smiled sheepishly, realizing she had just spoke her mind, yet again. Curiosity sparked the goddess at the mention of the Underworld. Of course, she was curious about a lot things, but the Underworld called upon her the most.

In her mother’s eyes, it was a dark, gloomy and misty place. It was a place she was determined to keep Seraphina away from. But the stories told by her friends made her depict it in another way. 

Jacob mentioned the castle that housed the Underworld Gods and Goddesses, as ancient, yet sleek and stylish. Ilyana and Israel referred to it as the perfect hub to get wasted. Even Xander would often go there for sparring practice with the Lin sisters. Not a single one of them acted as if the place was a spook land. Just another world to hang out in.

She longed to experience everything outside of her mother’s boundaries. And visiting the Underworld was at the top of her list. 

----------     

tag list: @futureauthor-mabye @artwriteanimationinspo

----------

Chapter 2 (COMING SOON)

[jefferyryanlong]

Fresh Listen - The Squids, The Squids (Bankshots Music, Inc. and Oto-Songs, Inc., 1981) and Duganopacalypse Now (A Fan Compilation, circa 1981)

(Some pieces of recorded music operate more like organisms than records. They live, they breathe, they reproduce. Fresh Listen is a periodic review of recently and not-so-recently released albums that crawl among us like radioactive spiders, gifting us with superpowers from their stingers.)

The first band I ever loved was the Beatles, and John Lennon was dead years before I had any idea of who they were. It wasn’t until Kurt Cobain died that I had any interest in Nirvana--I recall an eighth grade classmate looking at mw with contempt after I told them I was unfamiliar with their music, when “Smells Like Teen Spirit” was already an MTV hit. The chemical composition of my brain was dissolved and reconstituted over the course of two weeks when, at twelve years old, I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and Cool Hand Luke on late-night television, but both films were about twenty years old by then. I just heard of Herbie Hancock’s V.S.O.P. album, featuring Freddie Hubbard, Wayne Shorter, Ron Carter, and Tony Williams, about two weeks ago. I’m 42 years old now and I’ve only just come to realize how cutting and prescient Claude McKay’s novel Banjo is. 

All this to say that I wish I’d been around when Honolulu’s The Squids were playing around town. (Much thanks to Roger and Leimomi from Aloha Got Soul for pointing me in the right direction.) The Squids were so odd and varied, a New Wave outfit with the muscularity and venom of the truest punk rock, able to invoke the B-52′s in the same gig as Talking Heads or the Ventures or the Specials, all with the same veracity, but much weirder and crueler. They married a sunny, breezy synth sound with an aesthetic that I can only describe as joyously psychopathic, spraying smart-ass malice on the unfortunate subjects of their songs.

Though the band only officially released a 7-inch EP in 1981 (currently unavailable on Amazon) Comrade Motopu, the mysterious archivist who, through digitized vinyl and cassette tapes, as well as donated photos, scanned liner notes, flyers and news releases, has painstakingly agglomerated Hawai‘i rock music and associated miscellany on a magnificent pre-Y2K looking website, has not only shared the Squids’ EP (featuring “Tourist Riot,” “‘Love Theme’ From Surfer Boy,” “In,” and “Rio”), but what is also listed as Duganopacalypse,  a fan compilation with even more twisted tunes: “Medicine,” “Sexy,” “Head in the Sand,” the ska-soaked “New Girl in Town,” their partially awful, mostly spectacular “Cool Clear Water,” and “Pretty Vacant (with Dugan),” the Never Mind the Bullocks classic with a seemingly hated fan on the inarticulate vocals. I only pray that Comrade Motopu continues documenting this underhand era of Pacific rock music of the late Seventies to early Nineties--the site is a treasure, and more words about the bands highlighted on comrademotopu.com (the Vacuum and Yahweh’s Mistake, for instance) will be coming soon.

The Squids began as a concept by guitarist Beano Shots in 1979, later to take shape as a full-fledged human/cephalopod music group with members Kit and Gerry Ebersbach, Dave Trubitt, and Frank Orall. Those of us who sweatily flailed our way through a booze-and-drug bender on the strobe-lit (at least, as it appeared then) dance floor of the Wave Waikiki between the hours of 2 AM and 4 AM when all the other bars closed down would be surprised to learn that the now-demolished former nightclub, a hub for the scraped-out, after-hours husks operated by the residual combustion of chemicals in their blacked-out reptilian brains, once hosted the edgy Squids as the house band, presumably when the going-out crowd still had an affinity for fun, strong music, and did not simply seek to propel themselves upon the the mechanized beats and soulless zombie tracks initiated by a faceless button masher, in hopes that they would be manipulated, by the end of the night, into some loveless fuck with a nobody. 

Of the Squids’ stage show, we have but one recorded example of the band live in concert: a faithful interpretation of the Sex Pistols’ “Pretty Vacant,” in which the players serve as back-up band for a loyal heckler known only as “Dugan.” Having taken (jokingly) enough shit from Dugan, the band harasses him into sing-shouting the song. The performance captures the “fuck you” sentiment of “Pretty Vacant” with a primitive abandon that almost makes the original seem like a Monkees’ tune. It also portrays a punk rock scene less enlightened to the diverse lifestyles it later engendered, when “dick sucking” was applied exclusively as a pejorative.

The same pissed-off adrenalin leads off the the 1981 EP in “Tourist Riot,” an apocalyptic narrative of that species of traveler compelled to hammer a new experience into a predetermined mold that will establish an appropriate backdrop to their social media posts. The tourists here burn hotels and smash out windows when their expectations aren’t suitably met--a bad vacation in which they are pushed around and mistreated leads the tourists to murder and mayhem.

“Tourist Riot” lays out the Squids’ music aspirations right away, especially in the interplay between Beano Shots’s electric guitar and Kit Ebersbach’s keyboards, which morph from forbidding electronic warning tones to psychedelic ghost notes to the replicated sirens of a city on fire, collateral damage in a war between locals and tourists. Following a surprisingly effective bridge that concludes with a shouted “Fuck it, I’m going to New York City!” is an atonal guitar solo reminiscent of Nels Cline asleep at the wheel, redeemed by a more fluid keyboard exploration.

When Jimi Hendrix claimed that “you’ll never hear surf music again” in 1967, he was, through the example of his own transcendent playing on “Third Stone from the Sun,” burying the corpse of that elementary, improvisationally unimaginative rock instrumental with the axe with which he had slew it. To that end, after hearing Jimi Hendrix and all the musical manifestations that took shape from his cosmic residue, it is sometimes hard to take surf music seriously. “‘ Love Theme’ from Surf Boy” comes across as the Squids’ winking parody of the genre, with its reverb, its whammy, its overall melancholy, and its simplicity. That said, there is some sophistication in the song’s structure, as if the wordless tune was more an exercise in technique, an attempt to take stock creatively before reaching out to a farther and stranger place.

On “In,” the guitars and keyboards snarl rabidly toward the same explosive destination, barely kept in check by the talents of the players. Lyrically minimalist, the song’s non-sequiturs slice through the instruments like assembled cut-up style by William S. Burroughs. “Are you losing sense of humor, could be Jesus was only kidding” followed by “are you losing sense of humor, could be Jesus was just a salesman.” These pieces of thoughts unfinished resonate in my head like something close to catchy--to what end, I don’t know. Where the keyboards overmatched the guitars on “Tourist Riot,” on “In” the guitar is locked in and dirty, climaxing in repetitive harmony between the instruments to close out the song.

When I first read the track listing to the 1981 EP, I thought the final song “Rio” would be a rough rendering of the hit video single by near-contemporaries Duran Duran (whose synth-guitar arrangements, though undoubtedly smoother, find relation in the Squids’ overall aesthetic). Instead, “Rio” is an acid commentary on the American Capitalist, represented as a white suit soaked in sweat, and his compulsion to foster vice and iniquity to exotic locales.

I’m not sure whether the fan compilation Duganopacalypse, also available for listening through the Comrade Motopu website, was recorded before, after, or  during the sessions of the 1981 EP. A few tracks lead me to believe that the songwriting and arrangements are from a wiser, more sophisticated band, while other songs seem so apelike in their imitations as to come through as pointless satires, or maybe the explorations of a band trying to find its identity.

In “Medicine,” for instance, the Squids operate under an overpowering B-52′s filter that washes out their uniqueness. Whereas on previous tracks this influence existed only at the fringes of their sound, the singer on “Medicine” channels Fred Schneider on the verse and switches to David Bowie during the bridge. The role-play, though, doesn’t kill the the more interesting aspects of “Medicine”--its guitar lick is inventive and so wormy as to be slightly irritating, and the song’s themes, that one must willingly imbibe “the medicine” to accept the hypocrisies of this “downer world,” resound strongly to anyone who casts their eyes around a crowded room.  

Where the B-52′s references go deep in “Medicine,” Talking Heads emerge in “Sexy,” from David Byrne’s vocal tics to the subtle and swampy “Take Me to the River” vibe. It goes beyond straight homage to cover band territory, but it does emphasize the band’s technical ability to lock into a groove. “New Girl in Town” is a heaping serving of not-completely-warmed-up ska leftovers, a bit misogynist (of its time, but still). “Head in the Sand,” regrettably, could have been the Squids’ crossover pop hit. I say “regrettably” because, even though the song has a point--that the ability of humans to maintain a semblance of happiness is to carefully cultivate the warm fuzz of obliviousness, sacrificing will to fate in the belief that nothing we could do to change anything would matter anyway--the effort seems more calculated than organic, a plastic approximation of the closest this band, given their specific set of skills, could get to a pop crossover hit. The work put into it seems to drain away at some of the dirty magic. It‘s self-conscious in a way that the other songs aren’t.

Finally we have “Cool Clear Water,” what would have been the band’s masterpiece if they’d spent a little more time recording a decent take (the version on the Duganopacalypse almost sounds live, though it could have been laid down in a rehearsal space). This is not the country classic performed by Marty Robbins and Johnny Cash. The Squids’ “Cool Clear Water” is the frightening confession of a soldier recently returned from the war in Vietnam, directed by an angel spirit to mass murder with a shotgun from a tower in town. When the killer is set to be executed, the angel spirit comforts him, tells him his spirit will be redeemed in heaven for “setting the people free.” The unnerving subject matter of “Cool Clear Water” is given sinister shape by the relentless horror-notes of Kit Ebersbach’s organ, the guitar holding down the song’s march toward inevitable nothingness because the bass (normally played with elan by Gerry Ebersbach) is a complete mess (I’m not sure if she hadn't learned the song or if she just showed up at the gig drunk).

As Marc Maron frequently says on his podcast, “there’s no late to the party” anymore, given the the amount of content available to all of us via the digital consciousness that we are now more plugged into than not. But I’ve waited all my life to lose myself in something vital, of the moment, with my eyes and ears and heart present while the thing is taking shape, at its most temporal. I feel that way listening to the Squids. I wish I could have seen them at one of their Wave gigs. I wish I could have had a beer with them afterward, and gushed in the embarrassing way I do about things I love.

[yesgamesonline-blog]

Free Download Gear 5 PC

GEAR 5

Gears 5, I've been looking forward to another entry in this franchise for a wee while now and have since burned through the campaign and I’m preparing second playthroughs alongside continued play of the Versus, Escape and Horde modes.

Is it the second coming of Gears?

Not quite, but it provides some really incremental improvements on a lot of features from games past, as well as some new ideas that help refresh it for the future. So let's get into it. Some minor spoilers here for the opening hours of gameplay, but no plot spoilers here, you're safe with me. Gears 5 has all of the core gameplay components that we've come to expect of the franchise: the cover shooting mechanics are just as satisfying and well-constructed as they've ever been, with it once again having that weight of movement and impact that seldom few games have ever been able to replicate.

 There are some minor changes, partially the control scheme gets a wee tweak to accommodate the new mechanics for handling Jack (your AI bot companion) as well as a tweak to melee combat, but overall the core of the game's mechanics hasn't really changed. There are some fun changes involving enemy AI characters and design, which I'll come back to in a minute. However, the rote linear design of Gears levels is the big element that gets shaken up. The first act of Gears 5 feels distinctly like its predecessors: playing as JD while fighting through war-torn environments facing off against enemies of various shapes and sizes. But after that first 2 or 3 three hours, the game opens up and becomes a semi open-world experience: with acts built around hub worlds that you can explore to find upgrades (yeah there's a skill tree now) as well as collectibles. It helps the world of Sera feel more realized than in previous games and amazingly the transition from focused linear levels to big open-world hubs works incredibly well.

 GEAR 5 PC

For some I imagine the navigating around these spaces might prove tedious, but I found it a lot of fun. What is even more interesting is that after the first act, you playas Kate for the rest of the game which is helpful, given she's the far more interesting character of the two. Dare I say it; it's the writing that's kept me involved throughout the campaign. Gears 5 picks up not long after the conclusion of Gears of War 4. It's continuing the story of new main characters JD - the son of series mainstay Marcus Fenix - plus Kait and Del. Without a doubt the major change that Gears of War 4 brought was the inclusion of this a new generation of characters that helped bring a fresh perspective on things, as young adults who have been raised in a world ravaged by conflict, first by the pendulum wars and then the war of attrition against the Locust Horde. For me they were a breath of fresh of air, given we're rather used to Marcus's gruff moaning and Baird's sarcasm. Sure, it better fits more contemporary culture as well given their desire to tell jokes and mess with each other, but it also opens up more opportunities in the storytelling given their views on the authoritarian and rather fascistic Coalition of Governments (of COG) as well as their connections to existing characters or storylines. 

Gears have often suffered from its inability to deliver any emotional weight and that in-part is caused the characters seem unable to grow or develop from their gruff archetypes and their position within the established politics. In the original trilogy we had Marcus' complex relationships both with the COG government as well as his father and the underlying tensions of how the COG have caused just as much harm as they have good throughout the Locust war. But given Marcus and his crew are walking slabs of monster-killing meat you seldom get a chance to let them grow or develop, be it Cole's fall from fame, Dom and the loss of his family and Baird who... is just a dick really. But interestingly the same themes of working with or against the authoritarian a regime of the COG, as well as facing our legacies are the come themes of Gears of War 4 and 5, but the characters still have tremendous room to grow and adapt. JD desire first to rebel against his father and now seeking his approval is an interesting avenue but the game makes a smart move in transitioning over to Kate. As we shift to Kait, with Del helping out, the game seeks to address her family, her relationships with the CoG and some big reveals for the franchise.

GEAR 5 GAMEPLAY

Act two is notably a great segment of the game given it not only opens up the world as mentioned, but it's some of the best writing the franchise has had in years. It's always been a problem of the franchise - much like Halo - in that it often fails to communicate a lot of the more interesting aspects of its narrative. But here it allows some of these new characters to grow, to foster new relationships with existing ones and addresses plot points from the original franchise that were never properly explained until now. Moving away from the plot, there new Swarm enemies that crop up throughout, once again creating new and interesting combat situations for you to address, plus some of the annoying beasties from previous entries make their return. It's all building a top that cores combat layer and forcing you to re-evaluate how you use cover, attack the enemy and use your abilities and weapons. I'll avoid getting too much into it for now, given I'm going to be doing a design dive episode later this year analyzing the AI of Gears enemies, but I found them all to be welcome additions. Even if some of them are a real pain when in the heat of combat, but it's kind of the point.

                                CLICK HERE TO FULL DOWNLOAD

[the-voice-of-hell]

Rent is Theft, part 18

Read from the beginning here, read the previous chapter here.  Note:  My MC is a Filipina trans woman and I am not.  If you have notes on that or anything else, hit me up.

                                                        ***

      I heard the soft sound of another glass door opening behind me.  The tall doors were of frosted glass indistinguishable from the walls but for etched stainless steel handles and hinges.  Perhaps they were held shut with magnets because there was no noise from a latch opening, just a hollow pop and slight vibration of air as the door swung.  I only heard it because I wasn’t walking at the moment, and I turned to see it.

      A lady with a corporate version of rockabilly style flashed whitened teeth at me, her face framed in big phony burgundy hair, and waved me in.  “Ms. Marquez,” she said, “I should have had the door open for you when you walked by, I’m silly.  Easy to forget what this must look like for visitors.”  She flapped a hand at the sterile hall, then turned it into another beckoning gesture.

      Time for me to mirror her pleasant falsity with a smile of my own.  Her teeth were ringed with candy apple red lipstick, mine with an eccentric but unobtrusive matte rose.  We shook hands and went into her office.  There was mustard yellow plaster on the wall up to about six feet, above which the exposed brick resumed.  Her framed diploma from The School of the Art Institute of Chicago hung there between meaningless matted black and white photos of parts of classic cars.  A curvy wheel hub, a tail fin.

      I sat on a low stool that felt like a sawed-off version of something from Johnny Rockets.  I sat my purse on the floor, folded my hands on a knee, and tried to engage her face.  “You have me at a disadvantage.”

      “Ah, sorry.  No name on the door because we just moved in.  I’m Diana Whitford, human resources coordinator.  Pleased to meet you.”

      “Likewise.  Does the Selman Design Group have a lot of human resources?”

      “You got me.  Small building gave it away?  I’m the whole department.  Also assistant CFO.”

      “Nice.”  I gestured at her fancy little office.  “It looks nice.”

      “It is!  Not so much for decor, right?  Just a lil’ fishbowl under the bricks where we work, but it helps keep us focused.  The meeting rooms are much nicer, and there are so many amazing restaurants around here for lunches.  And the art museum...  It’s a good neighborhood to work in.”

      “I know.  I’d love the job.  What can I say to make you love me for it?”

      “Haha, can’t give it away so easy, can I?”

      “Shoot.  Thought I had you on the ropes.  So,” I nodded coquettishly, “I’m ready.”

      She leaned back and cocked her head, considered me.  I didn’t love it.  She asked, “Alright.  Tell me about yourself.  What makes Courtney Marquez who she is?  I bet that’s interesting.”

      “Mm, I don’t like to settle for ordinary.  I’ve been working in tech for a long time now, and felt it’s time for a change of scenery.”  Sound rich, baby.  “The boys are so drab and provincial.  A graphic design firm, now that’s interesting.”

      “And what interests you about Selman Design Group?”

      “The code we worked on was for purely functional purposes - moving cloud data around, secure networks, server switching in massive arrays.  Here you are dealing with all kinds of businesses, right?  And at a level where the clients are going to be interesting people, cosmopolitan.  I feel it would just make for a nicer atmosphere.”

      “I can hardly imagine.  I’ve had some friends marry tech guys but they are in a whole other world.”

      “It’s not really that interesting.  The other world.  Smells like energy drinks and sweat.”  Play to stereotypes, Courtney.

      “Hohoho,” she said, “But we sweat too sometimes.  How do you handle a challenging day?”

      “When I read this job posting, I imagined it would be coding UI, animation, things to assist with graphic design.  Those were the prerequisite skills listed, right?  But here I am with the human resources assistant CFO and I can tell this is a company where you have to wear a lot of hats.  That’s the kind of challenging day I’m confident I can handle - a little tech support here, a project pushing deadline there.”

      “You don’t have any weaknesses, as a worker?”

      I hate these things a lot.  “None, hahaha.  Of course, I’ve just come from the world of maladjusted boy genius types.  Getting used to a different workplace vibe, it might not be a perfectly smooth transition.  But I promise not to crush cans on my head and play noisy videogames on break.”

      “OK.  But what’s a challenging situation you’ve had in the past, and how did you handle it?”

      I cleaned my ass and walked through the door to have this horrible dance while a dozen people are depending on me to keep our asses off the streets.  “There was a new handshake system we’d been developing functions for, a few months at least, when hackers discovered an exploit in it, rendering the whole system a massive liability overnight.  The biggest stress was for the sysadmins at companies using it, but there was talk around the office our company might have to declare bankruptcy, dump us all to cover debt from damage control.  It had us working under a lot of uncertainty, right when housing prices were shooting up all around the city.”

      “Like, two years ago?”

      “Another time they were going up, about seven years before that?  So it’s work quick and come up with genius solutions while you could end up homeless at a moment’s notice.  We really used all of our team skills on that one.  And that was me.  The genius stuff was for enfants terribles and people like me would try to make their solutions workable in practical space, documenting the code, translating it for other people in the pipeline.  I probably cried in the bathroom at least once?  But we got through it.”  Pathos, girl.  But not too much.

      “Wow.  That sounds like a hard time.”

      “Hard times come and go.  That one is gone.  But lessons learned?”

      “I can’t imagine.  Well, just one more thing.  What kind of compensation would you be expecting here?”

      “Better than a grad but worse than I was making, I’m sure.  I understand I’m starting over, but I am bringing a competency of experience you won’t see in a new kid.  I could go as low as forty-five, if it’s strictly necessary.”

      The fake rockabilly’s eyebrows moved.  What did it mean?  Don’t let them know you care.

      “Thank you, Courtney.  Now do you have anything you’d like to know from me?”

      “Do you have anybody here doing tech support at all, or would that become part of the job description?”

      “You got me.  We did not include IT in the listing, but you know we’ll be asking for it.”

      “I’m OK with that, Diana.”

                                                        ***

      I got out as fast as I could without making it too obvious.  I did not like how that went.  Usually I’ve done better.  Maybe the head wrap was making me lightheaded.  I found a metal pole to lean on, tried to slow my breathing.

      It didn’t help that this was not far from Walter’s stomping grounds, but I had to make myself stop worrying about that.  The late morning sun was bright white, the shadows electric blue.  Every scrap of garbage, eggshell, feathers, plastic, paper was clearly visible in the cement, joining its constituent stones like the skin of an endless lizard.  People walked around me.

      I finally shook it off, put on my sunglasses, and strolled.  Knobby had eluded me long enough.  The full moon was going to happen that night.  If he and Olivia were out walking the streets every day, when did he have time to be taking shits in front of old ladies?  I was going to catch his ass.  If I could cure his werewolfism, maybe anything was possible.  Cures for twisty hair and headmouth, why not?

      I switched from pumps to sneakers and walked back to the Myrmidon Apartments with purpose.  I was getting used to walking, even with the uphill-downhill of it, and if one picked the right streets, this route was mostly downhill.  I was on the block, eyes open for the off chance of seeing those kids on the street, and peered into the window of the Subway behind the building.  I didn’t see the kids, but I did see a lone sub-muncher in the uniform of the pest control company that was investigating the bed bug situation.

      I stepped in.  The people at the counter really didn’t care about short stay loiterers - lots of things to do in keeping an urban fast food joint from exploding.  I went confidently to his table and looked down with arms folded over my chest.

      “Hey, young fella.  Don’t worry, I’m not a cougar or a hooker.  Just a resident of the Myrmidon.”

      “I really shouldn’t talk to residents, ma’am.”

      “Don’t worry about it, kid.  I’m cool.  It’s not my apartment that’s getting sussed out, and not my problem.  I’m just curious about how this works, in case it becomes a problem for me.  Down the road.”

      “Hmm.”

      We had a moment, me smiling, trying to convey a sense of fun-loving criminality, speak to the young man inside the professional.  He pondered it for a moment, then assented.  “OK.”

      I sat down across the table from him.  “Alright.  So this is the new reality, they’re saying.  All the DDT that squished those bald eagle eggs wore off, bed bugs are moving back into the cities.  What all have you heard about that?”

      “Not a lot, honestly.  There’s the experts and then there’s guys like me who just move shit around, work the tools.  What was that about eagles?”

      “I don’t know much either, but somebody told me there’s this pesticide we used to spray on crops, but also indoors.  It made eagle eggshells thin so that when momma tried to incubate them, squish.  Bald eagles became an endangered species and the stuff was banned.  According to the guy I talked to...”

      “That’s why nobody had bed bugs until last year.  What a trip.”

      “Well what do you know about them?  Has to be something.”

      “Heh.  Now this is hella gross.  I heard the females don’t have a...  well, they don’t have a vag.  So to get inseminated, basically, the males got a gnarly spike for a dick, and just stab ’em with it.  Is that too much?”

      “Hahaha, no, that is horrible.  Thanks!”

      “A way to keep ’em out of your bed is to keep your bedding from reaching the floor and put the feet of your bed inside, like, a ring of laundry detergent.”

      “Nice, nice.  So what’s in store for my unfortunate upstair biddies?”

      “Our company is high end, so... uh...”

      “Promise, I’m cool.  You can tell me anything.”

      “Basically, everybody we deal with is insured out the ass, so we come up with services just to charge more money.  It isn’t a total scam, right?  The services do something.  But is every last one of ’em necessary?”

      “So you’re gonna milk this thing?  Hell, everything in this town is so fucking expensive, that doesn’t bother me at all.  Do it to it.  But that isn’t the reason you told me, is it?”

      “OK, we basically already know there are bed bugs.  Boss man stabbed her bed with a bowie knife and found black dots - like digested blood.”

      “Euggh.”

      “I know.  But we’ll be like, this is suggestive but it isn’t a clincher, and run another test.”

      “A more expensive one.”

      “You got it.  And man, it is the real trip.  We bring in a trained animal to sniff ’em out.”

      “Is it an expensive dog breed?”

      He was smirking and enjoying this too much.  “Not a dog.”

      “Aardvark?”  I remembered what Grime had told me about the animal, but didn't want to ruin the boy's fun.

      “A pig.”  His expression dimmed a bit.  “But now that you say that, I wish it was an aardvark.  That sounds fun.”

      “No, no, that’s pretty fucking funny.  You’re literally gonna get these apartments to pay them to have a potbelly piggy running through the halls.”

      “Oh it ain’t no potbelly, ma’am.  It’s one of the big boys.”

      “What do they call that, a boar?”

      “Yup.  A male pig, big as fuck.  Maybe you’ll get to see it.  It’s like three feet at the top and I swear at least five hundred pounds.”

      “No shit?”

      “No shit.”

      “Well, here’s hopin’ those sons of bitches stay upstairs.”

      “Uh, yeah.  Yeah, for sure.”

      He must have known that wasn’t likely to happen.  Shit.  “So the boar confirms what you already know.  Then what?”

      “That’s our part.  We help the lady treat and isolate everything in her apartment.  Anything that can’t take the heat is moved out.  The sprinkler heads are packed in coolant, and then we heat the place to a hundred twenty-five degrees for three hours.”

      “Holy shit.  Big space heaters?”

      “Custom, industrial motherfuckers.  It’s pretty cool stuff.  No poison involved.”

      “Except the laundry detergent.”

      “The laundry detergent?  Oh yeah, the laundry detergent.  We don’t tell most of our customers about that one.”

      “Because they’ll be more likely to get reinfested.  Sharp.”

      “You never know when they’ll bring that pesticide back and put us out of a job, right?”

      “Well thanks, man.  That was a real thrill ride.”  I shot him a finger gun and stood up.

      “Hey, ah...  You don’t have to go so fast..?”

      “Heh.  Charmed, but I do have to get going.  Enjoy your sandwich, son.”

      “Yes ma’am.”

                                                        ***

      I made a mental note to line the baseboards with borax at the earliest opportunity.  I was getting a mental picture of the shit.  They boil the granny floor and fleeing bed bugs come down through the walls, end up on our floor.

      I decided to take the stairs up, and at each floor get out and walk the hall.  If Knobby was doing his doggy deeds, I’d catch him.  I tried to listen for sounds in the stairwell, in the halls, but the exertion made my pulse pound in my ears.  Not terribly, but enough to mute the quiet noises of the world.

      The first ten floors had a different layout from ours - a little bit larger, with more variable apartment sizes.  The smallest ones were even smaller than ours, judging by the distance between doors, and the largest might have been larger.  On the tenth floor, another variation - a gym I had never used.

      I used my prox key and got in.  A redundant nuisance - anybody on this floor had already badged in downstairs, or been badged in by somebody else.  Did they want to keep visitors out of the precious fitness center?

      The outer walls were surely floor-to-ceiling glass, like on ours, but they were masked completely by drawn vertical blinds.  Interior lights were weak in competition with the daylight that gave the blinds an unappealing amber glow, the room washing out to a dim grey-green.

      Still easy enough to see by, and I found myself looking at myself.  One of the inner walls was pure mirror.  Watch your beach bod take shape while you ride the stationary bikes.  Or stand alone and watch yourself fade in real time.  All the dolling up I did for the interview was coming apart, and the shadows added ten years to my face.

      Even with the wrap clamped down on my head, I had forgotten it was visible.  It changed me, made my reflection alien.  And remembering this, I remembered Reverse Courtney was waiting under that grip for any chance to rat us out.  I touched the back of my head and felt her shift underneath the cloth.

      Get out.  No way Knobby was in there anyway.  As I stepped away, I noticed the floor beneath my feet was raised and discolored.  No allergy medicine here.  Get out.

      The eleventh floor was, to my knowledge, one of several completely unoccupied ones.  On seeing no Knobby, it occurred to me that if the monster in him had the same motivation as Reverse Courtney, he would only visit floors with people on them.

      Our floor.  The ritual wasn’t really complete yet.  I had prepared my potions and talismans and such, but I still needed to set up the magic circle.  It was far from midnight, so time remained, but who knew how long it would take to catch the boy?

      I realized we needed to talk to everyone at once.  Patrick and Graeme would be at work, probably, and Deandre and the kids probably out and about.  Still, better to get as many people as possible on the same page as early as possible.  I started knocking on doors.

      Patrick was indeed at work, and I decided to leave Perry alone.  With that and less anybody out on the town, I was only able to convene Mike, Momi, and Marcie, in her apartment.  Mike looked lively, but greener than ever.

      The three sat on the couch and I sat across from it.

      “What’s this about, Courtney?”  Mike was the only one with no prior knowledge, that I knew of.

      “Marcie and Leimomi already know some of this, but not all of it.  Like the allergy situation, it’s important for all of us to know.  Mike, have you noticed that you’re not looking... well?”

      “The green?  Yeah, and I’ve seen that Knobby kid hunchbacked, and his girl’s neck go weird.”

      “So you have an idea what this is about.  I think the building is trying to make us lose control of ourselves, make us get ourselves caught.  I have a mouth on the back of my head that has basically said as much to me.”

      “Does Leimomi have a head mouth too?”

      “No,” she said.

      “Let me get to the point.  The neighbors talked about seeing a dog, or a dog-like man, in the halls on their floors - causing trouble.  It has to be one of us.  We know what our problems are, and Knobby is already hunched over, so safe bet it’s him.  And I have a plan.”

      Mike smiled, green hands on his knees.  “Great!  And here I was worried.  You’re so good, Courtney.”

      Marcie said, “What are you going to do, Courtney?”

      “Ehh, I don’t...”  Maybe they’d feel better if I didn’t express my doubts.  “Sorry.  Remember how wearing the allergy pill necklace was helpful?  It’s kinda like that.  I’m setting up a thing...  OK, a magic spell.  In my room.  We get Knobby inside the magic circle and do an exorcism.”

      “The power of Christ compels you!  Haha,” Mike said, “I can do that.”

      Marcie nodded in admiration.  Momi knew what I was thinking, gave me a sensitive smile.

      “Yeah, so here’s the deal.  We all do our best to find that kid, get him and everybody else in my apartment by midnight.  I’ll write up everybody’s instructions for the spell.  You’ll have to read some words, do some things.”

      “Any of that cool shit from Exorcist in there?,” Mike asked.

      “No but there may be some room for improv.  Just make sure you do the spell right first.

        And in the meantime...”

      “We’ll try to find Knobby.”

      “Richie’s been trying,” Marcie said.

      “Unless he has a hot lead, call him home,” I said.  “It’s a full moon, and if I’m right - that the werewolf is trying to get us in trouble here - he’ll be in the building somewhere.”

      Momi said, “Oh good, I didn’t wanna run around town anyways.  Should we start looking now?”

      “Eat lunch first, get plenty of water.  For my part, I’m gonna turn my apartment into a magic circle.”

                                                        ***

      In my initial pass at the exorcism material in Werwolves, I didn’t notice the shin-kicking ritual involved some worse tortures besides.  We weren’t going to whip him until he was drenched in blood.  I did my best to come up with ways to symbolically accomplish anything I was unable or unwilling to do in the prescribed method.  For example, where it called for whipping the “werwolf” I thought we could just give him a few whacks and then cover him in some kind of blood.  Unsanitary, but not torture.  I’d paid for blood from a butcher, because there’s no good way to shoplift it, and sanitized it by boiling.  That made a blood pudding which I intended to reliquefy when we got closer to midnight.  Grody.

      Another thing I couldn’t do was follow hyper-specific astrological instructions.  OK, I might be able to sync the ritual to a night of the full moon, but learning enough about astronomy or astrology to even know when Mercury was seventeen degrees on the cusp of the Seventh House?  Not happening.  The text said Mercury was the “most bitter opponent of evil spirits,” so I thought, hang some liquid mercury from the ceiling above our boy.  I poured my mercury into an emptied bottle of some micro-brew with a white stag on it, to honor St. Hubert.

                                                        ***

   Read next chapter here.

[chocobutt-trash]

I fell in love with the Ardyn and Angelgard post, and your addition was really great! Thank you so much for sharing! I was just wondering, could the place Ardyn sat at have been at pitioss?

Ooh, interesting! Thanks so much for this ask!

Well, it may be possible, for sure. It’s a sweet idea! However I have another idea on the location of Ardyn’s throne based on that card, so I’ll posit that here.

It’s now known that Ardyn was meant to be the first King of Lucis (see @valkyrieofardyn‘s post here). And it’s also known that the Blade of the Mystic is meant to be the blade used by ‘A king who rose to protect the world with the Oracle.’ (see the wiki). And, to further cement the association, the Blade of the Mystic is the sword that Ardyn uses in the final battle.

One thing I noticed upon replaying the game for the nth time was that the Tomb of the Mystic is located right where Titan is holding up the Meteor, right at the centre of the Disc of Cauthess.

Now this raises a number of questions. Why is a half-destroyed Royal Tomb in such a place? ENTER GEOLOGY NERD AGAIN: The placement of crater ejecta and fused rock overlaps and interrupts the tomb structure, indicating that the tomb existed prior to the meteor’s fall.

All that the Ultimania says concerning the Meteorite is that it ‘fell during ancient times.’ (see this awesome translation over on Medium). It’s the end result of the Astral War that Ifrit waged between the other gods. And it sort of gave me an idea. IF Ardyn was indeed the first king of Lucis and had his shrine in this location, in the very centre of Lucis itself, it would make sense for Ifrit to target the hub of the devotion to Bahamut and the others. Luckily, Titan steps in at the last minute so not all of the shrine is destroyed. Only most of it. And them, of course, Ifrit is banished.

I can imagine a distraught ruler Ardyn trying to keep the peace in the chaos that followed the meteor’s fall and the start of the Starscourge spreading. I can imagine him stepping off his throne in Cauthess and announcing that he would Heal the people, as was his duty. I can imagine his ardent followers still returning to this broken and dilapidated shrine for many years to come, still trying to hold on to the hope that he would cure the world of the Scourge. I can imagine people making those card sets with their king Ardyn Lucis Caelum sat on his throne like nothing’s happened, like the meteor hasn’t destroyed it.

And finally, I can see Bahamut’s betrayal once Ardyn becomes too infected to ascend. I can see Bahamut making a mockery of Ardyn (as referenced in the original post) and transporting the bare bones of that (hypothesised) throne room at Cauthess over to that lava bomb prison.

Let’s look more closely at the rocks used as building material between the Tomb of the Mystic and Angelgard.

First of all, at Cauthess, the building material differs from the country rock (the latter of which appears to be more of a sandstone matrix). It looks like it could be some kind of marble or meta-sedimentary rock. Marble is usually light in colour, doesn’t have vesicles or grains, and often features bands of discolouration or impurities as seen here:

This indicates two things: first, since there is no marble in the surrounding area, that the buidling material was shipped in from another locality, and second, that for such an expense to have been made, this site must have been of great importance.

Now over to Angelgard.

Ah. Will you look at that. Marble.

(It could be granite, you say, but no, I have not seen much evidence of mica or feldspar in this material while I was there. Might go back for some close-up shots at some point.)

Furthermore, in terms of the cut, the similarity with the slabs around the Tomb of the Mystic is just uncanny.

Okay, now let’s go on to overall placement. This shot of the Tomb in Chapter 4 shows an interesting angle of the Meteor rising grandly in the background:

Hey, it kind of reminds me of something…

It’s almost as though Bahamut wanted to mirror the sight of the meteor with the design of the Angelgard prison. It would probably remind Ardyn, every day he was trapped in there, of the origin of the tragedy that caused his curse.

It’s all a hypothesis but it’s awfully fun to think about! And another reason why Bahamut is the biggest dick of all.