#and the idea that cas would give dean yet another chance if he hurt jack by pressuring him to be god when he doesn’t want to/like it would

[rivercule]

I simply do not understand the idea that post-series cas would be upset with dean for “letting jack become god”. Cas was the one who was always talking about Jack fulfilling his destiny and bringing paradise, right up until the end. After Jack took Chuck’s powers dean was the one who was like “hey you’re coming back to the bunker right?” and Jack was the one who said “no I’m going to be god now”. It was ultimately Jack’s decision against Dean’s suggestion.

Dean was never a fan of god even just as a concept before he knew there was a god. Cas was always seeking god and a purpose the latter of which he found in being jack’s father but the gods he found were always terrible. Cas had an awful time at the end of his godstiel arc but Cas also has abysmal self worth so I don’t think he would ever even consider Jack would be as much a “failure” as god as cas was. Jack’s the only person I think Cas could accept as Chuck’s replacement and I’m sure the idea that Jack wouldn’t be up to snuff would never cross his mind. He’s been seeking god for his entire endless existence and jack is literally the only person who couldn’t possibly disappoint him. It makes sense as a conclusion to Castiel’s arc that the man he raised would be a better god than Cas’s father.

On the other hand, Dean is and has always been anti god whether in theory (early seasons atheism) or in practice (killing gods for a living) AND he’s got the least amount of faith in Jack and his powers because of Mary. There’s really no reason for him to want there to be a god, let alone for it to be jack. Not putting up a fight when jack became god, if anything, was showing that jack has regained (or finally gained) his trust, but Dean didn’t trust Chuck as god. He didn’t trust Cas as god. There’s no reason for him to trust anyone as god, let alone a young person who has demonstrated less than perfect control of his own powers, let alone infinite cosmic powers (or whatever).

I don’t like Jack as god either but I can’t wrap my head around why the popular dynamic of fics with this premise is like “divorce arc two where cas is mad at Dean for letting his baby become god”. It was jack’s (who isn’t actually a baby) decision and the positions don’t make sense for dean and cas

[mittensmorgul]

Mittens, I know that some people are rejoicing over Castiel's vision in 12x19, but personally, I started crying when I realized that Cas gave up so much for love and faith in his family, and got teased with that vision of the future - a paradise he wanted for them, for himself - but never approximated that in the end. It's just so heartbreaking and I feel like I'm mourning him all over again and it just really sucks. Idk.

Hi hi!

The vision also hurts my heart, deeply, but maybe for slightly different reasons...

I have been suffering throughout the last few seasons over Cas's overall arc, and this vision, in that moment in 12.19, when Cas was literally (in text! from Dean's mouth!) desperate for a win, is just excruciating to me. And I'll tell you why.

in the mixtape scene, this was Cas's lament to Dean. He wanted to come back with a win FOR DEAN, and FOR HIMSELF. He wanted Dean to think of him as the "hero" or the "savior."

I will pause to ask here: since when has Dean ever wanted that? Ever since Cas gripped him tight and saved him from Hell, Cas has struggled to step out from that role of Protector. Shield.

This was the Big Mistake he made in s6, right? Everything that went wrong was framed around the fact that he was trying to "protect" Dean. This is why he bought into Crowley's plan, why he left Dean in the dark even after he got dragged back into the fight, and why everything ultimately ended with Cas's literal death. Like... the narrative judged him. In 6.20, all he was left with was Dean's disappointment, and a drive to prove that he was actually right (he was not actually right...).

Even in 12.19, he was "playing them" all along. He came back under the pretense of wanting to "rejoin the team" and work together with Sam and Dean again, but really he was only there to steal the Colt on behalf of Heaven. Cas was prepared to do whatever it took to keep Sam and Dean safe from Dagon, but also "safe" from having to kill an innocent woman to prevent the birth of the nephilim she carried.

Like in s6, Cas was desperate for that win. He was desperate to "earn" his place with the Winchesters, the family he chose. He even told Kelvin before they went in to confront Dagon that he wasn't doing this to redeem his "reputation" in Heaven, he only cared about "redeeming his reputation" with DEAN.

He has no idea that Dean does not give one flying fig about Cas's ability to "protect him," he just wants Cas to Be There With Him.

And later on, this is literally the lesson Cas attempts to impart to Jack. When Jack laments the loss of his power, and believes himself "useless," It's CAS who most effectively talks to him about the fact that nobody cares about his powers, that they don't care about what he can do FOR them. They just care about HIM. Like... even in 15.18. This is the conversation he has with Jack by the Impala while Sam and Dean are talking to Charlie:

Jack: I feel... strange. I don't know if that's because of what happened to me, if it means something, or if I just feel strange because... it's over. The plan. My destiny. I was ready to die and, I wanted to, for Sam, for Dean, for the world. I wanted to make things right, and now... I don't know why I'm even here.

Castiel: Jack. You never needed absolution from Sam, or Dean, or from me. We don't care about you because you're useful or you fit into some grand design. We care about you because you're you.

So like... for YEARS I've felt like this was what Dean needed to actually say TO CAS. That he doesn't want Cas to try to protect him. He doesn't need Cas to be his shield. He doesn't need Cas to be "powerful" or his savior. He just needs Cas.

So this vision... this "manipulation" that Jack showed Cas in that very moment in 12.19, that Cas believed was "paradise" at the time, was what Cas needed to hear in that moment. That he could be "powerful," with his wings healed and made "useful" again.

Dean thanking him.

Not Dean being happy that they're all safe, that they managed to finally "get a win," but specifically thanking HIM for actually winning.

He wanted to believe he could be useful again.

And to me that was a tragic, depressing lesson that he still never managed to understand for himself by the end of the series.

If Dean ever knew what the vision Cas had considered "paradise" in that moment of betrayal of his loved ones, I personally think Dean would've been horrified. I mean, he didn't even KNOW what the vision entailed, and was pre-horrified by his personal belief about how Cas had been manipulated into running away and leaving them all in the dark immediately after they'd all just gotten back on the same page again and recommitted to working together again.

So like... This is still DEEPLY in Cas's disturbing mindset of being 100% ready to sacrifice himself to "spare" Sam and especially Dean from having to do the hard things. This was nearly an identical mindset to when he'd said yes to Lucifer in the Cage in s11 because he believed he could spare Sam from having to do that himself. Like... he truly believed he was making Good Choices in these instances, and it ended up both times causing problems he'd never even considered. S11 had Lucifer using him and nearly killing Sam and Dean, and then going on a rampage that would last multiple seasons more which directly led to Jack in the first place. And then in the attempt to bring about Jack's birth, Cas cut off all communication with the Winchesters (theoretically to protect them) and therefore they had no way to warn him that Lucifer was still on the loose and closing in on reclaiming Jack himself. It literally ended up costing them Mary (pulled through the rift with Lucifer), Crowley sacrificed himself to stop it, and Lucifer killed Cas, all because Cas ran away and tried to fix everything on his own. He desperately wanted to be the winner, here.

So to me, I can't see him getting his wings back and being truly powerful and being "Dean's savior" and him basically thinking that Dean's acknowledgement of that salvation and Dean's gratitude was his idea of "paradise?" Yeah... it turns my stomach.

Dean... would hate it.

Dean's idea of paradise... is actual free will. Of them CHOOSING EACH OTHER, choosing family and standing shoulder to shoulder as a united front against the threats that come their way, instead of yet again making the same mistake of believing that they're sacrificing themselves to spare their loved ones from having to stand up and fight at all.

It NEVER works out that way. Never has. Never would.

I mean, this is why Cas made the deal with the Empty, trading away his own happiness for Jack, believing that Dean's happiness was in having JACK in the family. The tragic blind spot was his inability to see that Dean's happiness ALSO INVOLVED HAVING CAS THERE.

And the ultimate tragedy is that Dean never got a chance to actually say that to Cas.

Because if Cas had actually known that, he would never have made the choices he did.

Which is another reason I absolutely can't credit the end of 15.19 and Jack NOT bringing Cas back, knowing that he'd done it once before, and knowing WHY Cas sacrificed himself. Jack knew the conditions of Cas's deal, and I cannot believe that any version of JACK would have allowed that sacrifice to stand for HIM. Because it was the antithesis of everything Cas himself had ever taught to Jack.

Heck... I hope that makes sense...

basically, this should've been a jumping off point for Cas to ACTUALLY understand he was just as wanted, just as needed, just as cared for, and yes even LOVED, for who he was, and not the sacrifices he could make to protect Dean (and Sam, and Jack... but ultimately for Dean).

The fact he KNEW the moment he made that deal with the Empty that the knowledge of the details of that deal would be a "burden" to Dean, that it would be upsetting to Dean to know that Cas had literally traded away his own potential for true happiness because he thought that would be what Dean would prefer... he KNEW Dean would be upset about that. He knew Dean would NOT have wanted that, and swore Jack to secrecy about it. Like... he knew he had done the wrong thing here, or he wouldn't have hidden it from Dean.

So I have a really hard time thinking of this vision of Paradise (which is already a loaded word in itself in canon, and was literally what Dean spat out as an angry insult at Cas in 4.22 before his first true "tearing up the pages" and making it up as they go moment) as anything but a glaring warning sign.

And then oh look, Cas was literally killed for it four episodes later.

Then when he came back, he went right back to believing in his "purpose," wondering WHY he was brought back. Dean's "we needed you" wasn't really clear enough for Cas to understand that they didn't need him to "protect" them or to be "useful" to them. Dean just NEEDED him. Full stop.

It's a tragedy, folks.

[paralleledmediaexperience]

right before my birthday back in May someone made a post about Jack needing more love and hugs, and I had this idea in the tags and then went and wrote about a thousand words of this and then. forgot it existed!! anyway I’ve mostly polished it up now. enjoy Jack telling one of his dads he loves him and then not only being hugged but also hearing it back!! it’s what our boy deserves!!!!!

Now with part two!!!!!

-

Jack hadn’t meant to fix everything, in his defense. Yes, they’d defeated god with his powers, which had unintentionally released Amara, who had agreed to take her brother’s powers from Jack and then let the world mostly be as long as she got the chance to see him every once in a while. She’d returned the universe to normal, with a few additions for their happiness, as Amara had said. Dean had choked out Cas’ name, and Amara had frowned before replying that it might take a bit more time. 

They had gone back to the bunker and then the bunker had been thoroughly overrun the whole next week by- it seemed- everyone the Winchesters knew, including a few faces who were apparently as back from the dead by Amara’s hand as Mary was last time she owed a Winchester a favor. Through it all- old friends and odd allies and more- Jack knows Dean isn’t doing well. Isn’t sleeping well. There’s only been one night- well, Jack hadn’t seen Dean drinking but he’d heard Sam’s arguing and Dean’s short, choppy answers, and it was familiar enough.

He’d googled “what to do when my dad misses someone and we can’t talk to them yet,” and wikihow had good suggestions- he’d read through the sections for both short-term separations, and managing the death of a loved one. He hadn’t really been able to figure out which would be more helpful. It had turned out to be the death of a loved one, which… shouldn’t be surprising, no matter that Cas would be back. Soon. 

He couldn’t make Dean do any of the things on the list, but it had suggested that the person would like to feel loved during their time of grieving.

And when he’d searched “how to make someone feel loved,” the first article had said the easiest way was simply to tell them. So when Dean hands him a plate of pancakes with the bacon cooked just how Jack likes it, Jack thinks it’s such a small thing to make his heart feel so big and warm. And he smiles and says, “Thanks Dean. I love you.”

Unfortunately, Jack hasn’t actually grabbed the plate when he says this, and Dean’s hands drop it. The sound of the plate shattering on the tile is only half as upsetting as the wounded look in Dean’s eyes as he looks back at Jack. And Jack isn’t sure why it went so wrong but he looks away immediately, the shame of causing that hurt somehow and the slow horror of realizing he’d ruined the breakfast that Dean had made him turning his stomach into knots. He steps back almost unconsciously before remembering the plate had just broken, and in just his socks, a piece of ceramic jabs into his heel and slices him open, and he actually can’t help the small cry of surprise and pain that slips out.

“Jeez, kid,” Dean breathes out, and Jack gets pushed into the nearest chair. “Get that out of your foot while I clean this up.”

The warm feeling in his chest was gone, pressed into something cold and tight in Jack’s throat. He’d just- the article had said it makes people happy to hear they are loved in times of grief. 

He watches, silent as Dean turns off the stove and sweeps up the wasted food and plate pieces, soundly dumping it in the trash before digging under the sink for a second and coming out with a clean dishrag and a box of bandaids. It’s only when he sees Dean stop and take a quiet, private shuddering breath to forcibly relax his tensed shoulders that he lowers his gaze again. He picks the sharp sliver of plate out of his skin through the sock before peeling it off to examine the cut it left. Very shallow, but it still stretches two inches along on the inside of his heel, the blood sluggishly dripping out. 

It’s not bad, but very inconvenient, so he almost heals it before remembering that Amara had said not to use his powers after she took Chuck’s powers. Not until she returned and okayed it, at least. He sighs, pinching it together with his fingers, half heartedly wishing it had been more awkward and antagonistic between his aunt and his dads, so he could have maybe convinced Dean that they shouldn’t listen to what Amara told him to do. It probably wouldn’t have worked anyway.

He hears Dean turn the water on to damp the cloth, but he can’t make himself look back up again. His gaze goes back down to the floor as Dean starts to turn back toward him, focusing on the small smear of red on the floor, where Dean had dragged the broom through the spots of blood he’d left.

He raises his hands as Dean approaches, ready to be handed the stuff to bandage himself up, but Dean just beats them away as he sits down next to Jack, hunching in as he grabs the injured foot. Jack still feels unbearably small in the silence between them, both him and Dean leaning in and feeling small and unwilling to speak as he wipes away the blood and then dries the skin around it. Jack grabs two of the bandaids and opens them, and Dean wraps them around the cut before patting it and drawing away, and Jack doesn’t know what else to do.

“Sorry,” He says softly, because he isn’t sure what he did wrong but it hurt Dean. And he wasn’t even angry, Jack could tell, cause his shoulders hadn’t tensed the way they did when Dean was trying not to lash out- they’d tensed the way they did when Dean was trying not to fall apart. Jack’s felt like he had to know the difference for a while now.

“Jack,” Dean says, and it’s so sharp that Jack jerks up to look at him. Had he read that wrong? Was Dean angry? But when he meets Dean’s eyes it’s still that hurting, the one that Jack could remember all the way from back when he was a newborn, or something close to it. “No, you don’t-” Dean lifted a hand to his face and dragged it down with a rough breath, and Jack wasn’t expecting him to look back at him but he did, eyes burning into Jack’s. “You don’t have to be sorry. That was on me- I dropped the plate.”

Jack tries not to squirm, because it’s not about the plate, is it? The food had been thrown away and the plate had hurt him, but he’d said he loved Dean and that had made him drop it. “I’m sorry that I-”

“Jack,” Dean cuts across again, and this time his brows are drawing together the way they do when he’s angry. But he looks away from Jack again, and he can tell somehow that it’s not anger at him. Dean doesn’t even want Jack to be looking at this anger. “You say whatever you want, okay? I’m not upset that you said it.”

It isn't that he thinks Dean doesn’t mean the words, but Jack’s also not sure Dean believes them either. “I am, though,” he says, petulant, crossing his arms and letting his foot fall back down to the ground, ignoring the bite of pain from treating the cut so roughly. “If it hurt you, I shouldn’t have-”

Dean cuts him off again. “No. Jack, that’s-” He struggles for a second, but Jack just wants to understand. Unbidden, he holds his breath and Dean draws his in, trying to find the words.

“You get to love me if you want to,” Dean grinds out, and Jack realizes there are tears gathering along his lower lashes. “And you get to tell me if you want to. This hurt ain’t about you.”

That does clear it up, somehow, and Jack nods and looks back down at his hands, realizing there’s still blood on his fingers, too. Dean turns away enough that they can almost pretend he’s not rubbing the tears out of his eyes. “I won’t say it if you don’t want me to either, though,” he says, and he grabs the cloth from the table where Dean had left it, finding a clean spot on the damp corner and using it.

“That ain’t how it works, kid.” He doesn’t elaborate. He just grabs the box of bandaids and closes it before gathering up the paper wrapping. It gets thrown out, and the box stowed back under the sink, and then Jack is just staring at Dean.

“How does it work?” 

They both stop. Jack didn’t expect to actually let the question out, but it’s off of his lips before he can seal them. 

Dean is frozen, staring at him.

“Not like that,” Dean says eventually, weariness dripping from each word. “Jack, do you… do you want us to say…”

He doesn’t say it, the kitchen fan blowing white noise into the quiet air between them. Jack knows that he could ask and Dean would say it right now. Dean always gives the people he loves what they want, what they need, and this would just be the next thing he could offer. Something he could give.

“I don’t need you to.” Jack says, honestly. “I know. I just wanted you to hear it, because I don’t think I’ve ever gotten to say it to you.”

Dean squints at him. “You... “ His eyes are wet again. Without warning, Dean grabs him and pulls him up, into a hug, and Jack grabs back as tight as he can, feeling lost. But it’s good, it’s good just like every time Dean hugs him. He squeezes his eyes shut tight as if he can’t feel the tears welling up in his own eyes, hot and stinging. “I love you too, Jack. I don’t get- you and-” Dean sputters off, still holding him. “If you want to hear it, you let me know. I’ll get better at it.”

“Maybe every once in a while,” Jack says, trying not to let his voice sound like he’s crying. It does anyway.

“Alright then,” Dean says, and he squeezes him one more time before letting go, turning away abruptly and bustling back to the stove. Jack wipes his eyes on his sleeve, his whole chest feeling empty and full all at once. The rag had fallen out of his hands sometime in their conversation, and he leans down to grab it, pausing to wipe up the blood on the floor. Dean comes back a minute later and pulls it out of his hand before passing him another plate. “Here, since the last one humpty-dumpty’d.”

They don’t continue the conversation. Jack eats his breakfast as Dean fixes himself another cup of coffee, and they sit quietly, waiting for Cas to come home.

[sarija]

@expectingtofly @starrynightdeancas

Here's my first ever written fanfic as a gift for @expectingtofly who never received her original gift from starrynightdeancas gift exchange. Enjoy 🙂

Words: 3657

Notes at the end of this post!

Home

“So I guess the question is,” Bobby asks, “What're ya gonna do now, Dean?”

Dean looks at baby, considering. He smiles back at Bobby and answers, “Well, I gotta go for a drive.”

 

 

After about ten miles, Dean pulls over. There's a lookout just a few steps from the road, and he follows the trail to the end, feeling overwhelmed by the info Bobby has given him. Cas is here. He helped Jack rebuilding Heaven. He remembers the last time he'd seen Cas. He would have given everything to see him again, to get him back, but all the efforts he and Sam had tried on Earth were useless. Now, there's a good chance he might see Cas again and he has no idea what to say to him.

At this moment, he feels the presence of someone beside him. Anxiously he turns around. For a moment, he hopes to see Cas, but instead, it's Jack and a warm feeling of relief washes over him. He doesn't know if he's ready just yet.

“Jack!” He exclaims, pulling Jack into a tight hug. “It's so good to see you, kid!”

Jack hugs him back, clapping him on the back before freeing himself. “Hey, Dean. It's good to see you too. I'm sorry I couldn't intervene...but I'm glad you are here.” Dean just shakes his head.

“You know, kid, Sam and I had an agreement of going down smashing, and this I did. I … I have no resentments over this.”

Jack offers him a short nod before saying, “Dean, I think there's someone who wants to see you. Are you ready?”

Dean then notices a figure standing way back, beside one of the bushes. He is ready. He has to be. He's been waiting so long to see him again, he can't even believe that he doubted he was ready in the first place. Dean swallows back a big lump in his throat. He walks a few steps. There he is. Just beside a big flowerbed, bees humming around busily, Dean sees him standing in the glow of the setting sun. He lets his eyes wander from the well-known boots upwards, over the hem of this trenchcoat he missed so damn much. The coat is glistening in the sunlight, it looks like it's giving off a light of itself. Over the blue tie, upwards, over the 5-o'clock beard, then those soft lips, further to these warm and blue eyes, deep like the ocean, light as a cloudless sky. And Cas is looking back at him, wondering, tilting his head just a little, the way he always did, back then when they were on Earth. Dean doesn't feel the single tear running down his cheek, he doesn't see Jack looking happily at him, he can only see Cas, standing there in the sun, looking like the most beautiful being he's ever seen in his whole life. Cas, his friend, his family, his angel and most importantly – the love of his life.

He steps forward slowly, afraid that this is just a dream, one of those damned dreams he's had over the weeks after Cas had been gone, had thrown himself into the Empty. In his dreams, Cas was there, waiting for him, but all of a sudden, he'd be gone, swallowed up by a big nothingness, or bursting out in flames and screaming in pain, or saying 'I love you, Dean' but retreating while Dean wanted to get to him, to hug him, to hold him, until his angel was gone and away.

But Cas is still there, smiling now, looking at Dean with his amazingly blue eyes. He lifts his hands and whispers “Dean” and Dean can't keep it any longer. He takes the last steps in a few fast strides and falls into Cas' arms, pulling him into a tight hug and crying silent tears onto his shoulder. Cas starts stroking his hair, softly, hushing and repeating all over “It's okay, Dean” until they both break apart. Dean doesn't want to let go of Cas, he holds his arms, looks at him over and over, but he can't find the words to describe how much this means to him. So he just stands there, breathing heavily, watching him, until he feels Cas' hand upon his cheeks, wiping away the tears on Dean's face. And all of a sudden, Dean knows there's no need to hold anything back anymore, there's no need to hide anything, because there's nothing here to threaten them. Nothing is going to take Cas away ever again.

Dean swallows, clears his throat.

“Cas... I …You ... How?” is all he manages.

Cas shakes his head. “I'll tell you later. We've got all the time in the world now.” He looks at Jack, who is still standing a little way behind them, smiling. “Now, who wants to have some dinner?”

--

They take the Impala to drive to Cas' place. While Dean is driving, he's absurdly aware of Cas sitting beside him in the passenger's  seat. He even feels the intensity of Cas' eyes upon him, until he finally blurts out, “Hey buddy, it's good to see you too but – could you please stop staring at me? I'm not a freak show, y'know?” At that, Jack snorts loudly in the back, clapping Dean on his shoulder. He doesn't say anything else, but Dean knows that he's enjoying this moment as much as he is. He sends a small smile to Jack and Cas, but Cas has turned his face away from him, looking out of the window instead, chin in his hand. For a moment, Dean worries if his words had hurt the angel. This would be the last thing he'd want to do, especially on the first day of meeting him again. He wonders if he should say something, anything, to make sure everything's fine. But what should he say? Tell him he didn't mean it? He never was a man of apologies, and Cas knows that. He just wanted him to look away, cause his staring was so freaking distracting. He wants to return his gaze, he wants to never stop looking into those amazing eyes, eyes that had seen so much, eyes that had looked so worried at times, Dean almost couldn't even bare it. He wants Cas to be happy, to smile, to forget the bad stuff he'd lived through. And now he'd said something that hurt him. Why was it so hard to just take it back? He never knew, cause right at this moment Jack spoke up.

“It's the light blue house over there, Dean. Just drive up to the front, there's a parking spot for you beside Cas' car.”

Dean drives as being told, parking beside a yellow-brown-ish '78 Lincoln Continental. He recognizes it instantly, it's the same car Cas had been using whenever he wanted to get something done on his own, and Cas had always seemed pretty fond of it. It brings back a lot of memories and Dean starts smiling involuntary.

They get out of Dean's car and step up the front porch. Cas takes the lead, opening the white door for them, welcoming both into his home. Dean risks a quick glance at him before entering. Cas doesn't seem to be hurt anymore, he looks pleased and happy. And Dean thinks he understands why.

Dean enters the hallway, looking around and taking in as many details as he can. There is a kitchen to his right, with wooden fronts and very clean. Right ahead there's an arc, decorated with roses in different colours – red, white, yellow, lilac and pale blue. They are rooted in two pink flower pots, one on either side of the arc. To his left are two wooden doors. He guesses that one would probably lead to the bathroom, the other one he's got no idea. They walk through the arc, entering a really big living room, bright and clear. The windows here let the sun warm up the room just enough to feel right, and the light-colored furniture reflects rays of sunshine without blinding them. 'It's perfect', Dean thinks to himself, wondering where Cas got those pictures of them and Sam in the bunker. One of the photos shows them with their hands on one another's shoulders, smiling into the camera. Dean can see his own forced smile, dark circles under wary looking eyes. He takes the photograph of it's shelf, looking at him, Cas and Sam. Sammy. He's looking back at him out of the picture, smiling and waving and looking contend and happy.

“Dean.”

He forces himself to put the photo back on the shelf and turns around to see Cas standing in the doorway.

“You know, he's not a freak show,” Cas mimics, but Dean can see he's worried.

“Thanks, Cas. I know. It's just … I hope he's alright, I hope he's living a good life down there, but -”

“You miss him.” Cas finishes. It's not a question, it's a statement.

“Yeah, man,” is all he can answer. He turns around to wipe at something in his eyes, then turns again and asks, “When will we be eating?”

“In a few minutes. We're waiting for … someone to arrive here, it won't be much longer now.”

Just as Cas finishes his sentence, they hear a soft knock on the door and someone entering the house.

“Who is this?” Dean asks, but Cas is already on his way to the kitchen and Dean just follows.

 

–

 

Dean still can't believe it. He just finished his second helping of T-Bone-Steak, mashed potatoes and fried rice, everything as delicious as he'd hoped for (he'd left out the vegetables). His stomach is full and he leans back really satisfied. This is amazing. He hadn't given a thought to the fact that now that he was in Heaven, he might meet his mom and dad again. Seeing all of them on this table in Cas' dining room – Mary and John, Cas, Jack and Bobby – laughing, eating, smiling, talking about things they did 'down there' and things to do 'up here', it was unbelievable. Dean watches all of them closely. They look so full of joy he can't help grinning like an idiot. His mom is laughing hard from a joke of John and Dean enjoys to see her relaxed and free of worries. His dad claps her on the back, then starts to stroke her gently. He too looks unstressed, there's no trace of the old, haunted John in his face anymore. Even Bobby, though still being his grumpy self, seems pleased.

“Alright, Dean, I think it's time for a little storytime.” Cas watches him intently as he explains, “I think you wanted to know how I could escape The Empty and start my new life here.”

 

--

 

All eyes are upon Cas now. Mary puts the plates away, coming back with two six-packs of beer. She hands everyone a beer and Cas starts talking.

“As most of you know, I went with The Empty willingly, keeping my side of the deal we had made way back. Several months ago, there was a problem at hand. The Empty wanted to keep Jack. I told her to take me instead of him and she agreed to that but wanted to be sure to crush me. So she told me that she wouldn't just swap - she'd come and get me as soon as I would be truly happy. And that she did. When we talked, Dean, I had made a choice”. At this, Cas sends him the slightest smile, which makes Dean want to forgive him in an instant. “Well, as you know, this choice led to me being taken by that bitch. For a while, I lay there in nothingness, black nothing all around me, and I hoped to fall asleep, which I knew was sure to happen to everyone The Empty had swallowed. But not me. She wouldn't let me sleep because I had been an inconvenience to her. She wouldn't visit me either. I lay there until I couldn't lie anymore, I sat there for hours and hours, and finally, I stood up. There was no way to give up this easy, The Empty couldn't be invincible, right?” They all nod, fascinated by his story. Jack even has his eyes closed. Another big gulp of beer, then Cas goes on. “So I wandered around, screaming and trying to punch the Nothingness. I called her a lot of stuff just to get her attention, but it was useless. In the end, I stumbled and fell on my knees and was none-the-wiser. But that was the moment I realized it. There was nothing to be done for me alone. But there was someone who had already conquered The Empty, who had woken me up last time, who would maybe be able to do something about my situation. And even though I didn't want to involve him, I saw no other choice. So I prayed. And I was answered.”

“But I prayed too, why did I never get an answer?” Dean sputters out. Instantly, he feels the heat of shame crawling up his neck, but he still locks eyes with Jack, who has finally opened them.

“I heard you, Dean. And I am very sorry. I knew this would disappoint you, but there was no way for me to interfere down there anymore. I couldn't answer, because I couldn't bear to tell you. I am sorry.” Dean swallows hard, then Jack continues, “Then I heard Castiel. And I realized that I wasn't about to interfere down there – but The Empty was not down there, and there were several changes to be made, changes that were overdue.

I gathered up all the strength I could master. I summoned those around me who were willing to help. Gabriel was the first to respond. It might not surprise you that he had taken advantage of everyone assuming him dead, submerging into the benefits of a random gambler's life outside the radar. Yet when I called out to ask the help of every angel available, he immediately came to my side to be of assistance.

Michael was second to answer my call. He asked a lot of questions, wondering if he could trust me. He was hardest to convince – but wanted The Empty gone as much as I did. So he stayed and helped.

Most of the other living angels came to stand with us, but we still weren't enough. So I started to wake up the deceased. This was rather dangerous, as I didn't want The Empty to know something was up too soon. But Cas here did a great job – when I had awoken an angel, he'd find him and explain the matter, trying to be as quiet as possible.  Once we had gathered quite a number of angels, they took their positions, waiting for my command. First step was to lure The Empty out of her hiding place. Hannah, Anna, Gadreel and Joshua did a great job with that! They annoyed her one after the other, to the point she wanted to throw them all out. Next step was to surround and distract her. So everyone did their best to get her attention, circling her in further. Then the tricky part started. While the inside angels surrounded her, kept her encircled and disturbed, enraging her further to keep her at that spot, we on the outside started to open up a crack, getting others out of there. Gabriel took an essential part here, building up an illusion to cover our crack. As soon as we had Jane and Raphael, I knew it was time to finish it, because the inside angels were taking hit after hit.

With the help of Michael, Gabriel, Raphael and Jane, I managed to take hold of The Empty. Like Chuck did with Amara, we cast her out, chaining her up in the same lonely dimension Amara had once been held in. Michael sacrificed his powers to bear the new Mark that still was needed to have her caged.”

Jack pauses for a moment, takes a sip from his beer and watches the others. Mary and John are holding hands on the table, switching short glances now and then. Bobby looks like he's fallen asleep already, beer still clutched in his hand. Castiel seems to be entranced by Jack's story, elbows on the table, chin resting on his folded hands. A small smile playes on his lips and Dean notices how beautiful Cas' face looks when being relaxed. He doesn't know if he's even allowed to think this way, but he can't help it. He tries to focus on the story again.

“So, you cast her out. I guess the angels on the inside got out – seeing as Cas is here. But what about the other creatures this thing had held for an eternity?”

“Yes, that.” Jack answered, nodding. “I assumed it would be no good to send them all with The Empty. Instead, Jane and me enlarged the Purgatory, sent every monstrous creature down there and asked Rowena to magnify the intensity of their 'door'. In return she'd get the demon souls sent to Hell, and she willingly agreed to that.”

“Great.” Dean states, “more demons for her, no big deal.”

“Dean,” Cas whispers, obviously annoyed by this interruption.

“I don't like the idea of giving her more power, alright? It's no good. Rowena will use this somehow to do something bad, you know her, Cas!”

“Yes, Dean, I do know her. That's why Jack is keeping an eye on things. I thought you'd be happy to know that we all are safe now. I thought you'd be happy to see … me.”

All eyes are on Dean now, which makes him shift in his seat, feeling pretty uncomfortable.

“Man, you know I'm happy about … this all. I'm just wondering what this means for those left on Earth.”

“You mean Sam.”

Dean nods, not sure if he's able to answer right now.

Jack jumps in. “Don't worry, Dean. He's safe. I am sure of it – I can see it. Please believe me that no harm will come upon him as long as I'm here.”

This really does reassure him and he takes a big swig of his beer. He nods, satisfied for now. Then another thought comes to him.

“What about the angels you saved from The Empty? What exactly happened to them?”

“Oh, that's easy. Every deceased angel got a second chance. I made sure their loyalties were with me, then I sent them to work. There's a lot to do up here, and most angels are glad to be able to help. Michael is an exception though. As I said, he's had to sacrifice his powers to bear the new Mark, so he's powerless now. He's in hiding ...” Jake grins, “but I think … he'll bee alright.

With The Empty being gone, there were new rules to administer. Every monstrous creature – minus the demons - that dies from now on will find himself in purgatory. Demons that die will find themselves in Hell, but powerless. Rowena told me she's got some 'lovely tasks' for them. And every angel that meets his end will come back up here, being powerless but having a place to call home.”

Home. Dean looks around, taking in this wonderful place that Cas can now call his home. He loves this idea, and he feels quiet content with knowing all this.

After this, they switch the topic to easier stuff. Their conversation is light now, mostly about stuff to do in Mary's and John's house, like fixing a little hole in their roof, or repainting their furniture. John even asks if Dean would help him restore a '64 Ford Falcon and Dean eagerly agrees to be there tomorrow. But after a while of talking about the ups and downs of this special car, Mary stifles a wide yawn and John laughs. “It's time I guess! Thank you for this wonderful dinner and a great evening guys. Guess we'll see each other next week?”

“Same time, same place,” Cas answers grinning. “See you tomorrow, Dean,” John says and pulls him into a tight hug. Mary ruffles through his hair before hugging him, then she too says good-bye. Jack wakes up Bobby, half-pulling him out of his chair and tells him that it's time to get home. Bobby grunts, gives Dean a nod, and walks out the front door without another word, probably too tired to speak. Last to say goodnight is Jack, and he pulls both Dean and Cas into a big hug. They clap his back, and Dean thinks he can hear Cas whisper 'I'm proud of you' into Jack's ear. They all say good-night, then Jack is gone too. Closing the door behind Jack, Cas turns around to Dean, watches him closely, a slight pink shade on his cheeks.

“There's a guest room down the hall if you want to...” he leaves his sentence unfinished, but Dean understands.

He looks Cas in the eyes, feeling his heart suddenly hammering against his chest. There were words he wanted to say, but he doesn't remember. He's surprised – all those years down there, he had to hold everything back, and he has no fucking idea how he did that. Cas' eyes are still watching him, asking silent questions. Throwing cautions in the wind, Dean finally closes the distance and pulls Cas into a gentle kiss, hands on his cheeks. After a moment of surprise, Cas kisses him back, his lips soft and warm, and lays his hands around Deans waist. Their kiss seems to take an eternity, Dean has no feeling of time anymore, he just feels Cas' lips on his, and he knows that this is his happy place. His peace. His... he allows himself to think the word – his home.

Notes:

This fic is a gift for @expectingtofly on tumblr as part of the starrynightdeancas gift exchange. It's my first-ever written fanfic and I'd love to know what you think about it! I had a lot of fun writing this, creating my own kind of fix-it fiction. Also, I tried to stay canonical – with one exception, because I will never accept that the trickster was truly finished off!

Please note that I’m not a native speaker and there might be some spelling and grammar mistakes. I’m sorry! But I hope you’ll enjoy it nonetheless.

Have fun reading and leave a comment if you like <3

Not yet posted on AO3, still waiting for my invitation. I’ll have you updated as soon as I can post it there!

[orionsangel86]

The first Valentines Day they spent together wasn’t great. Taking out a horseman of the apocalypse and consuming an obscene amount of red meat wasn’t exactly a great start for a whirlwind romance. But Dean still remembers the butterflies he got in his stomach when Cas stood too close, or held his gaze for slightly too long.

The Valentines Day’s that came after that were mostly painful, or just another day that Dean wanted to forget:

- Handing Lisa a crumpled gas station valentines day card and a bunch of flowers that had already seen better days.

- Drowning in grief at the loss of Cas and Bobby.

- Hiding in the dark of Purgatory, trading rough hand jobs with Benny, and sending Cas tearful prayers, wishing he’d come back.

- Comforting a scared girl being chased by Hellhounds, wishing his angel would answer his prayers yet again.

- He doesn’t recall specific days whilst he had the mark of Cain.

He remembers the valentines day whilst under the pull of Amara, pining for something both frightening and unnatural, knowing deep down he was longing for something else, something that he thought he could never have.

The valentines day the year after reuniting Amara and Chuck, he had only been out of solitary confinement a few weeks, Cas was there, in the Bunker with him. But he was stubborn and angry at Cas for putting himself in danger. Dean had been giving him the silent treatment the whole time, but God, does he remember wishing Cas would come to him. Cas never did.

So much had happened in the year that followed that one. Cas had died, and returned to him, they had found Jack, and lost him to an alternate world. Even with all that had happened, Valentine Day that year was one of his favourites in recent memory. Dean had shyly invitied Cas for a movie marathon in his room. They had put on a Scooby Doo episode whilst making popcorn, and Cas had teased him for his “ascot phase” that had lasted only a few weeks. Dean still thinks he looked awesome though. They had curled up on Dean’s bed, eating popcorn and watching old horror movies. Dean had fallen asleep on Cas’s shoulder, and woke up on the morning of February 15th with his arms wrapped around Cas’s waist, and his face buried in his side. They were both smiling that morning, but neither had mentioned it again. Dean wishes they had.

The following year things had gone wrong again. Dean was too preoccupied trying to keep Michael at bay in his mind to even think about Valentines Day.

Last year on Valentines Day he was full of rage. Still hurting over all the crap that had happened. Chuck controlling their lives, being mad at Cas, Cas leaving and only returning to help the fight. He was terrified that Cas was just another part of Chuck’s story, another way to manipulate him. But Cas turned out to be one of the only things in the universe that Chuck wasn’t able to control. The one thing Dean had wanted most was the only thing that was truly real in his entire life. The thought still took his breath away. He wished he had known that at the time.

This Valentines Day, Dean was feeling high on happiness and love. Another year where too much had happened, but Dean and Cas decided that they had wasted enough time. Too many years had passed where they couldn’t be together, now they were finally free, finally able to make their own story, and they had chosen each other.

Just over three months ago Cas had confessed his love, and been ripped away from Dean once again before he had even had a chance to process what had happened. Defeating Chuck, and finally freeing themselves from his story had come at a terrible price, but luckily Dean’s adopted son was God now, and this time the deus ex machina was just what he needed.

Dean had wasted no time in finally letting his heart speak. Sobbing confessions of everlasting love into Cas’s lips, his neck, his cheeks, his chest. It had all happened pretty quickly after that. Jack had fixed everything, and Dean and Sam could finally retire.

The wedding wasn’t even their idea. Sam had blurted it out one day that they should hold some sort of ceremony as a final fuck you to all the forces of Heaven and Hell and beyond that had tried to separate them over the years. From the most powerful Gods, right down to the nasty little men in expensive suits who didn’t appreciate their love for one another. Eventually Dean had whispered the words to Cas one night, whilst they were still naked, sweaty, and wrapped around each other, gasping for breath. Marry Me just slipped off his tongue, and had got him a tearful yes and another four orgasms before the night was over.

So the valentines day “fuck you” ceremony became “Dean and Cas’s wedding day” and here they were. Exchanging vowels in front of their whole family. Even Crowley miraculously showed up which put Dean on edge for all of 10 minutes before the former King of Hell smiled and raised a fruity cocktail in his direction.

Their first dance was to “All My Love” by Led Zeppelin. Because of course it was. In the dim lights of the dance floor, pressed close to Castiel’s solid form, cheek brushing cheek, breathing in the scent of him, Dean was in the only Heaven that mattered. Right here on Earth. Real Heaven could wait until he was ready to go, which wouldn’t happen until he was old and wrinkly and his hair was grey (but still fabulous and not at all looking like a party city wig).

Once the stragglers had finally left the reception, or past out in the corner, Dean and Cas slipped away to the wedding suite, and drunkenly made love until long after midnight. It was by far, the best day of Dean’s life, let along the best Valentines Day of the past 12 years.

It’s the morning of the 15th February. Dean is lying in bed, on his back, with his new husband wrapped around him like an octopus. He thinks of all the valentines days of the past 12 years, and then forgets them, and thinks of the ones to come.

Next year he will spend the entire day in bed with his husband. Maybe he’ll get up long enough to make pancakes to bring Cas breakfast in bed. Maybe he’ll slip on some anniversary/valentines day panties. He thinks Cas may be into that.

In five years time he’ll spend their anniversary/Valentines day in their home by a beach - the one he plans to build himself. They’ll sit under the stars and listen to the ocean crash into the shore, wrapped in a huge blanket and whisper sweet nothings into each others ears.

In twenty years time, they’ll celebrate with their family. Perhaps he’ll throw Cas a party. He can picture Jack and Claire grown up with their own families, and Sam and Eileen with their own children, also grown by that point, and ready to move on to college and beyond. He sees a future full of love, and happiness, and peace. A future he has chosen for himself. A future where he is truly free to live the life he wants.

In the end, it doesn’t matter if they make anniversary/valentines day plans in the future or not, so long as they are together, so long as he gets this. So long as Cas remains in his arms. So long as he gets to kiss his husbands handsome face and see the love and happiness in his eyes. So long as from now on, nothing, not Darkness, Hell, Heaven, or even Death can separate them. After all, past experience has proven that they never succeeded before. Dean and Cas will always find their way back to each other.

[wormstacheangel]

"Samstiel? Sastiel?" "Shut up, Sam!"

Word count: 2639

Sam drinks a little love potion that makes him fall for Cas. Dean is not really happy about it when him and Cas are still so new. A little jealous Dean and Cas being a cute boyfriend.

--

“Over there!” Dean whispered out as he pointed with his gun to the room he saw the witch disappear into. 

Following the witch into a big factory that might as well be a maze to them was probably not the brightest idea they had. They have been tracking the damn witch for a week now though and they weren’t going to lose her when they were so damn close. He only had two witch killing bullets left though but he was sure Cas and Sam had more. 

Cas went into the room first with his gun drawn but the angel blade easily accessible just in case. Dean followed in right behind him, almost shoulder to shoulder, while Sam followed a few steps behind to watch their backs. 

“Wonderful.” Dean heard the voice behind him and then quickly turned when he heard a gunshot go off. 

He watched the witch throw something at them and they all froze with groans, fingers ready on the trigger. She whispered something under her breath before she walked around them, her blonde hair falling over her shoulders as she grinned up at them.

“Winchester’s and their pet angel or I should say formal angel.” She hummed happily as she reached over to touch Cas’s face with her fingers. Dean could only see from the corner of his eyes as he tried to get control of his finger at least so he could pull the trigger when needed. “So famous but I don’t want any trouble. My business here is done so I’ll be leaving. Just to make sure you don’t get any funny ideas I’ll give you a small distraction. More for my entertainment and I’m sure a little nuisance for all of you. Still,” She walked over to Sam and carefully opened his mouth to pour something down his throat while Dean struggled to move, a low groan struggled to get out in his throat. “Don’t worry. Nothing deadly, just some fun. Can’t have the queen be too angry at me.”

She winked at them as he turned Sam around to face Cas. “There! Now the fun can start!”

She started walking out of the room and with a snap of her fingers they all got their control back. Dean pulled the trigger but missed and lost his last two bullets. He started chasing after her but then heard Cas call out to him.

He turned around to see Sam hugging Cas- no...no hugging would at least be a little more normal. Sam was full-on snuggling the ex-angel of the lord. 

“Sam, please,” Cas struggled to push Sam off of him. “The witch, Sam.”

“Let Dean take care of it. I can’t have you getting hurt, Cas.” Sam nuzzled his nose against their best friend's cheek. “Let’s go wait in the car. Do you want to go and eat something after this? I know you like ice cream. Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

Dean could only stare at the odd picture before him. He would have laughed if it didn’t bring a heat at the pit of his stomach. Jealousy taking over as he stomped over to push Sam off Cas. 

“Dude, what are you doing?” Sam shoved at Dean before reaching for Cas again but he moved to stand between them. Sam did that annoyed twitch of the mouth, his tongue poking at the inside of his cheek, as he stared down at him. “Dean, move.”

“I think the witch may have given him some sort of spell,” Cas told Dean as they both watched Sam slowly turning red-faced. 

“Yeah, genius, I got that,” Dean muttered at him and then nearly misses a fist from Sam. “Sammy!”

“Don’t talk to Cas like that!” Sam yelled at Dean as he took that chance to grab Cas’s wrist to shield him behind his overgrow body. “You’re always such an asshole to him!”

“Am not!” Dean argues back and then groans in annoyance. “Why am I arguing with you? Cas, control your new boyfriend.”

Cas poked his head from behind Sam to glare down at Dean, eyebrow raised. “New?”

Dean’s face flushed as he looked away from Cas to mumbled, “You know what I mean.”

Dean and Cas were still sorts of new. No labels just yet because they still had a lot to work through but they shared the occasional kiss. Enjoying each other’s company whenever the opportunity came around and just held one another for comfort. A nice nap snuggled up in one of the recliners in the Dean Cave.

So watching his brother reach to take his almost-boyfriend hand was weird, especially when he definitely had a girlfriend. 

“How about we go get that ice cream, Sam?” Cas asked as he twined their fingers together and smiled up at his little brother. 

Dean’s jealousy rose but he tried to fight it back. Knowing it wasn’t Sam’s fault but hating how he grinned down at Cas. Hating more when he lifted Cas’s hand to press against his lips before he led Cas out of the damn room. Not missing the blush on Cas’s cheeks as he smiled shyly back at Sam. 

“Fuck me.” Dean muttered to himself as he kicked the air and then quickly went to catch up with them. 

At the diner, Dean was on the phone with Rowena as Jack had flown down to watch Sam fall all over Cas. 

“They’re so cute.” Jack cooed at them as Sam wrapped an arm around Cas’s shoulder to pull him close while trying to feed him a fry. 

“Yeah, whatever.” Dean rolled his eyes as he kept waiting for Rowena who was flipping through some sort of book as she once again asked for a picture. “Jack has enough pictures to remember this nightmare.”

“Dean, why don’t you at least try to eat something.” Cas pushed his plate over to him but Dean shook his head as he pushed the plate back.

“I’m not hungry.” He got up to walk outside but Sam grabbed his arm. Dean shook it off as he glared back at his brother. 

“Talk nicely to him, Dean. I’m warning you.”

Dean rolled his eyes and continued walking back outside. Hearing Jack ask for them to pose for another picture to send to Claire who didn’t believe him apparently. 

While Dean leaned against his car Rowena told him that the spell was harmless and will pass through his system in a couple of days. “Nothing really you can do but wait it out.”

Dean shut his eyes as he pinched the bridge of his nose. Sighing in defeat as he nodded, “Okay, well thanks anyway. I’ll have Jack send you those pictures.”

“Oh, he has! They do look quite adorable don’t they.” She teased and Dean said his quick goodbye before hanging up.

“Bad news?” He looked up to see Cas walking over to him with a sheepish smile on his face. He stopped in front of him and then reached to kiss Dean’s cheek, instantly relaxing him. “It’s okay, Dean.”

“How is this okay?” Dean hesitantly reached to wrap his arms around Cas’s waist to pull him close. Hugging him to his chest as he hides his face into Cas’s neck, relaxing as the calm scent of Cas surrounds him. “I haven’t even taken you on a damn date yet and here is Sam buying you ice cream already.”

He feels Cas wrap his arms around him, one of his hands going up and down his back while the other plays with his hair. He smiled against Cas’s skin as he relaxed into the familiar touch. So new and yet familiar all at once. 

“It’s okay cause I’m yours. Not Sam’s.” Cas tells him as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Plus, I am pretty sure Sam is in love with Eileen.”

Dean pulls away to let their noses touch before he pressed his forehead to Cas’s own. Then teasingly he asked, “So you’re mine now?”

Cas hummed in agreement as he smiled back at Dean, nuzzling their noses together as they both grinned. “Haven’t I always been?”

They both chuckled softly as they tilted their head just enough to press their lips together for a soft kiss. One that never failed to bring a shiver down Dean’s spine and his toes curl up. Kisses were still new to them and Dean cherished each one he did get. 

“Cas!” They heard Sam call out and Cas pulled away too soon, always too soon. 

“Don’t be so jealous of your brother and let’s take him home. Maybe seeing Eileen will snap him out of it.” Cas tells him before he completely escaped Dean’s grasp and walked to where Sam was still calling out to him. 

Dean stayed there for a few seconds, his lips still tingling from the kiss before he took a deep breath to follow them back to the diner. Watching as Sam wrapped an arm around Cas’s shoulders and leaned down to kiss his cheek.

“Fine,” Dean rolled his shoulders back. “I’m fine.”

The drive back was just a pain as Sam sat in the back seat with Cas, sleeping with his head on Cas’s shoulder while Cas read the book he brought. Jack sat shotgun as he had his headphones on while he played some dumb game on his phone. Cas met his stare every once in a while on the rearview mirror and shared a soft smile with him. Reassuring him that everything was fine. That they were fine. 

Eileen met them in the garage and when Sam saw her he pulled her into a hug. Dean thought that she may have broken the spell-like a cute sleeping beauty story but it only gave Sam a headache as he fought to be with both Eileen and Cas. Dean reached over to check on him but Sam just pushed him away as he told him he was fine before he fell back into Cas arms. 

Eileen smiled, probably the same one Dean has had the whole time. A little awkward and hurt but there was no reasonable reason to be mad when this situation was not normal. Even for them. This was something they couldn’t really control. Even with Cas trying to set boundaries between him and Sam.

“I’ll sleep in my room. You go to bed, Sam, and I’ll see you in the morning.” Cas told him and Dean had to fight that lump in his throat, the bubbling jealousy in his stomach because Cas hasn’t even slept over in his room before. Now Sam is gonna steal that first too?

“Are you going to go with...him?” Sam motioned at Dean with his chin. “Dean, how about you leave us alone for five minutes?”

“How about you shut up and do what you’re told for once?” Dean says back to him. “Go to bed, Samuel.”

“Fuck off, Dean.” Sam tells him as he takes Cas’s arm to lead him inside his room. Dean motions to stop him but Cas holds his hand out. 

“It’s okay, Dean.” He smiled reassuringly at him. “I’ll just stay until Sam falls asleep and then head over to my room. Is that okay?”

“Why are you asking him for permission, Cas?” Sam says as he wraps his arms around Cas’s shoulders from behind him. “He’s not in charge of you.”

Dean locked his jaw to hold back his words before he turned away to walk back to his room. “Whatever. Goodnight.”

“Dean.” Cas called out to him but he kept walking until he made it back to his room and closed the door behind him. 

It was only a few minutes later when Cas was walking into the room, knocking be damned because Cas was annoyed with him. 

“Dean,” He starts again but Dean was already walking over to him to bring him into a kiss. The action surprised Cas as it was one they never really done before. The kiss was not the usual slow or sweet ones they give each other. No Dean was feeling too much to restrain himself. 

He didn’t mean to be so possessive, people can flirt all they want with Cas and Dean wouldn’t bat an eye because they were strangers, but this was Sam. His best friend so Cas was being nice to him. Humoring him because Cas was a rational person and knew this was only a spell. Knowing Sam didn’t actually want him in his bed but the spell did. Dean was having a hard time watching. 

He already couldn’t believe Cas wanted him at all. Always thinking Cas deserved to live the rest of his human life with someone more deserving of his love and seeing him with Sam made him wonder if Cas was rethinking his choice. Maybe he picked the wrong brother. 

Cas pulled away from the kiss breathing heavily as he looked back at Dean with a ditzy smile. “Wow. You’ve been holding back on me.”

“I-I love you, Cas.” Dean says as he pulls Cas into a tight hug. His chin resting on top of Cas’s shoulder as he gripped at his still not official boyfriend. 

He could feel Cas suck in a sharp breath as he stood still in Dean’s arms, “You...you do? I mean,” Cas pulls away just enough to make Dean look at him. “I know you do but you’ve never said it before. Out loud at least. Are you that jealous of Sam?”

“I just want to make sure you know where I stand,” Dean explains to him as he runs his hand down Cas’s jaw until he lets it rest at Cas’s neck. “I know I’m not really good at expressing myself but I’ll try harder, Cas. I promise.”

A gentle smile spread on Cas’s lips as he reached to kiss Dean one more time. So tender and warm that it instantly filled Dean with reassurance. 

“I love you, Dean. I’m in love with you.” Cas said against his lips as he slowly started to pepper him with kisses. Dean stood still with a slow-building grin as Cas kissed his jaw, his nose, his eyelids, his cheeks, and then ended on his forehead before he pulled away. “Please don’t worry so much.”

“Stay?” Dean asked as he nuzzled his nose into Cas’s throat. “I always sleep better in your arms.”

“Of course, Dean.”

The spell ended up lasting three long and slow days. One moment Dean and Sam were arguing about who gets to sit next to Cas during movie night and the next Sam blinks himself out of it. His shoulders falling forward as he holds his head in his free hand.

“Wow. What...what happened?” Sam rubbed his temple and then looked down at his other hand to see his fingers were still twined with Cas’s. “Dude, why are you holding my hand?”

“Fucking finally. Let go of my boyfriend, bitch!” Dean reached over and pretty much karate chopped their hands apart.

“Ow! Jerk!” Sam rubbed his hand as he held it close to his chest. Eileen then took the chance to bring Sam down for a hug. He rubbed her back as he softly asked her, “You okay, sweetheart?”

Jack ended up being the one explaining what had happened as Sam sat down looking through the slideshow of photos on their kid’s phone. His face getting redder as he kept on swiping but now that it’s over, and Cas was curled up beside him on the couch,  Dean could laugh at the situation. 

That is until Cas said, “We can still go on that date you planned, Sam. It would be fun.”

“No.” Dean said slowly before quickly adding, “No. No. No. No more dates.”

“Sure, Cas. It’ll be nice to catch up.”

“No!”

--

Tag List: @galaxycastiel

[hawkland]

Destiel fic recs/what I’ve been reading (round #2)

I promised (eventually!) more fic recs and I figured I’d better do it soon before my list to talk about got TOO long. Also I’m just bubbling to praise up an amazing fic I read last night that literally has given me a fanfic hangover this morning and I need you all to suffer with me.

Starting with that fic in question:

Aria for an Angel (84k) by anyrei, mugglerock. I hurt all over from this one and I command you to do the same.

That said, DO NOT READ if you can’t stand the idea of Cas finding love/happiness with someone else (even if the fic is endgame Destiel). Also don’t read if you can’t stand your heart being shattered by pain before being carefully put back together again. Those warnings aside, this is one of the most stunning fics I’ve read yet in SPN fandom and I’m going to rec it at you no matter what. I’ve been feeling very pissy at Dean lately, as I’m on season 12 in my complete watch-thru, and with how much Cas has been suffering and getting beaten down for, like, SEASONS now. And it got me looking for fics where Cas gets some of the TLC/love/care that he needs from someone else, at least until Dean can get his shit together. Enter Mick Davies. Mick comes to Cas for help with a case that ends up involving a Grigori, and the two grow closer as Cas enjoys spending time with someone who genuinely expresses care and concern for him...but when Dean finds out will he have to choose between the Winchesters, his found family on Earth, and his new boyfriend? And when tragedy strikes, is it too late for a second chance at his first love again?

This story is funny, hot, heartbreakingly sad and just completely wrung me out emotionally. The characterizations totally worked for me, the growth they all went through was the kind of stuff I only wish the writers of the show could pull off. There’s just...there’s so much pain and love and some good stuff with poor Sam and Mary caught in the middle of this shitstorm and I wasn’t sure I could be brought back around to wanting Cas and Dean together in the end, but the authors pulled it off and everything about this story hurts, and heals, in the best possible way.

The rest of my recs in this round-up beneath the cut.

Seek to Know You Better (32k) by ahurston. Season 15 canon-divergence—so no Empty, no rusty nail, but things are relatively calm and settled in the hunter/Winchester world. As such Dean and Cas go on a road-trip together, investigate some minor cases, and gradually open up and really TALK via a “36 Questions That Lead to Love” article Cas finds on-line. One of those fics that just gives you a happy glow inside to read; it feels very believable and the characters have a maturity and adultness to them that just feels right. The little details of all the places they stop for food while talking are a delight, and it’s just the right amount of pining (for me) before they finally get things together.

Purgatory, director's cut (27k) by runsinthefamily. THIS IS THE ULTIMATE PURGATORY FIC (well, in my reading adventures so far.) Written (apparently?) before season 8 actually aired, it takes a very different - and weirdly creative and bizarre - look at what purgatory would be like. And if Cas stuck with Dean through it all.  It also posits that as a human Dean would be “allergic” to purgatory and need Cas’s grace to hold himself together...but the deeper they travel, trying to get out, the more precarious Cas’s hold on his vessel becomes. I love everything about this fic, the weird imagery, the way Dean just...rolls with everything happening to Cas and still loving him because it’s Cas, not his vessel, that’s important.

Grooming Instincts (26k) by jemariel. More wing!kink which...yeah. Gimme all the wing grooming/back massages and weird angel anatomy, please. Cas is grumpy while going through what he describes as “molting” only...it’s a bit more complicated than that. And Dean has no idea what he’s gotten himself into until Cas starts grooming him...and Kevin is able to translate/figure out what’s happened. Funny and hot and just...a yummy happy read with great bits from Sam, Kevin and Charlie for good measure.

Things that Leave Marks (23k) by thestoryinsideme. Canon-divergent from Season 9.  Wherein it takes Dean three years to find Cas after getting kicked out of the bunker. And when he does, it’s apparent he’s been through a lot, and he’s not exactly ready to or certain about going back to life with the Winchesters. This was sad and sweet and fluffy and angsty in all the right ways for a comfort fic read. (Also features Cas the budding artist! I love that idea!)

Wavelength-gasm (11k) by Mumble-Bee. The fuck or die trope gets a very fun twist when it involves needing to fuck an angel in his true form. Dean certainly learns this the hard way! This rec is for all the trueform!Cas-loving freaks like me out there...I’ve certainly never seen a smut fic embrace the weirdness of it all like this one.

Drive Faster Sammy (7k) by almaasi. Speaking of fuck-or-die fics, pray for Sam in this one. He has to listen to Dean helping when Cas gets struck by one (again) and they don’t have time to make it back to the bunker—so things get kind of graphic in the backseat of the Impala.

Love Burns Its Casualties (5k) by anactoria. Beautiful and bittersweet fic set during “The End”. Present-day Dean can’t sleep, and ends up invited by future!Cas to spend what he knows is likely his last night alive with him.  Features casual weed use (if that bothers you), some very hot shotgunning (if it doesn’t), and is just...a wonderfully written atmospheric story that I’ve already re-read several times. (It’s especially a good read when slightly stoned yourself. Um. Not that I’m necessarily advocating for that sort of thing, unless it’s legal in your neck of the woods. Um. Anyway...)

something quiet and minor and peaceful and slow (3.7k) by celeste9. Heaven fic, so don’t read if that’s not your thing. Also don’t read if you’re completely convinced John Winchester is an unredeemable homophobe and terrible parent all around. I, personally, liked this take a lot more as it shows a struggling but not horrible John confused about why this angel keeps popping over, asking Mary questions about what Dean will want in his little slice of Heaven. The title really describes the lovely mood of this little fic and I liked it a lot.

heaven, reconstructed (9k) by vaudelin. Another Heaven fic, more focused on Cas than Destiel (but that is endgame). Goes into what exactly Cas was doing, working with Jack to try to build a better Heaven while awaiting Dean’s eventual arrival. It’s a great fic for world-building (in more ways than one!) in the SPN universe and I like a story that explores Cas’s relationships with others beyond Dean and Sam. I’d add too that as a fan of The Good Place, I just in general enjoy stories that look at the complexity of what actually would constitute a “perfect” afterlife. So imagine Castiel as a TGP architect here if you will (I certainly did!)

The Passion of the Christ (and his angelic ex-boyfriend) (4.9k) by Bzzee. Another heaven!fic, but pure delightful crack. What happens when Dean and Cas run into one of Cas’s ex-boyfriends in Heaven’s roadhouse...who just happens to be Jesus Christ. Dean isn’t too happy with that knowledge (and neither is Judas). Just read it—heresy and all. For a crack fic it’s actually wonderfully smart and wicked.

Can't You Hear It Calling (4.7k) by imogenbynight. A “missing scene” from s8e32 (Sacrifice). Cas expects to never see Dean again once he (expects to, at least) close the gates of Heaven. As a parting gift, he takes Dean back in time to a Led Zeppelin concert...and then a motel room to spend a final night together. As a music lover, the description of the excitement of the concert (and the happy/sadness when the show is almost over) totally hit me in the feels...and it’s such angsty/beautiful smut when they get together.

You're Gonna Live Tomorrow (3k) by MajorEnglishEsquire, microcomets, orange_crushed. Cas doesn’t know a lot about being human (yet), but he does know one thing - he wants to marry Dean. Sweet, sweet happy fluff, just enjoy.

Who's Counting? (1.7k) by Annie D (scaramouche). Just some pure angel-powered delicious smut. Dean learns the hard way, over and over again, that angels have basically no refractory period.

[verobatto]

Destiel Chronicles

Vol. XCIV

It was a love story from the very beginning.

And you are not here... (Part. II)

(13x02/13x03)

Hello dears! We are here again, witnessing Dean's mourning for Castiel, and we are suckers for that.

I will try to convey in this meta two episodes, so let's see what happens!

The rejection

At the beginning of the episode, we had Sam and Dean talking about Jack. Dean keeps rejecting the kid because he put on him the weight of loosing Castiel.

They find a motel, and Dean plays the tv, and there's Scooby, and for a brief moment we saw him smiling. Then Dean gives Jack the Bible, and the kid opens it in the Book of Song of Solomon, which is from the Old Testament, and it talks plenty about a two lovers that try to find a way to be together. So the poems describe their passionate and beautiful love for each other, their sadness and their difficulties. Is narrated romantically poetic of that time.

This is very meaningful because the book could be symbolizing Castiel and Dean, trying to be reunited. And the kid is the one who will help to do that. Two lovers that were separated by death but also, who had lived a lot of difficulties together.

Also this quote from Asmodeus:

ASMODEUS: The pain, the, uh, the total humiliation… it forged an eternal bond between us.

Is just a little taste of a dark parallel to Destiel. Is a dark, toxic bond, forged by pain and humiliation, all the opposite of Destiel bond. And we are witnessing this quote because is in the next episode the one Jack will wake up CAS through Dean's mourning. The power of their bond forged by love. The lovers will be finally reunited again.

This scene is when Jack shows Dean is his role model... But also, let's check out the colors...

Go f credit @deansplushy

The room is blue (Castiel) and the kid is imitating Dean, Dean knows it and looks very done with it.

But the whole room is painted in Blue, as if Castiel were in Jack and Dean's mind the whole time.

Then, this foreshadow...

DONATELLO: Sam? Dean? Is God with you?

Donnie was certainly sensing the new God, but also these words...

DONATELLO: (...) So… a few days ago, I’m online, checking out condos in Boca, and I am knocked off my feet by this weird wave of power. Not exactly like God’s. More like… something new, something fresh. I was drawn to it. It’s here.

Something new, something fresh, that's a good description for a new God that just had bey born. Donnie knew it the whole way long.

After this they decided to brought Jack to tattooed the sigil... And this very symbolic dialogue happened between Jack and Dean:

JACK It hurt.

Gif set credit @demondetox

This is the description of grief. So, if Dean was trying to give himself a message and to push the kid into that idea, Jack took it well. He knows he has to endure it. Even if Jack is talking about physical pain, or emotional pain, it fits perfectly with the lesson is floating around loosing Castiel.

Another discussion about Jack happens and this time Dean explodes into hurtful words, and Jack flies away.

The scene in which Sam is talking with him is very beautiful, but also, the colors caught my attention again...

Gif credit @deansplushy

Again, the color blue behind Sam and Jack, is another reminder of Cas. We also have the green (Dean) behind Sam, and Sam is talking about him. Is a very nice played scene, because Dean is to Sam what Cas is to Jack here "a father" but the good one. And Sam trying to explain why Dean acts like this...

SAM: Dean doesn’t hate you. It… Look, sometimes the wires in Dean’s head get crossed and—and he gets frustrated, and then he mixes frustration with anger, and—and fear.

JACK: Why would he be afraid?

SAM: Because Dean feels like it’s his job to protect everyone. And right now, we need to protect you. But we may also need to protect people from you.

JACK: Maybe I’m not worth all this.

SAM: Your mom thought you were. So did Cas. So do I.

Sam is mentioning one of Dean's inner issues: THE BIG PROTECTOR, as a raised first born, and as a obedient soldier, Dean is trying to fulfill the order his father gave him the night their house were burning and Mary died. John Winchester gave Sam to Dean, and asked him to take care of him, so, the GUILT HERITAGE as I spoke so many times, is playing rudely in Dean right now. He wants to fulfill that mission, because his father asked him to. This is the toxicity in Dean's personality. In harmony with the quote that is said in this same episode: the sons that try to please their fathers.

The Anger and the Patience

When the episode starts, we are immerse into a psychic house, in the window we can see an eye, as a representation of psychic but also, the eye in the triangle represents God. And we all know Chuck is about to come in season 14.

We can distinguish too a book: 'The knowledge of ourselves" in Dede's house. Is an interesting reference to what I about to come: the whole season 14 will be a self-knowledge path Dean will take based on his experience of being faced with himself in the possesion. As I described in my metas, the experience of the possesion is similar to being in Purgatory for Dean: all his human necesites will be gone, and the purity in his heart will be exposed: What do you want?

When Dede is in front of the spectrum, she can see his true form, just like we will see through Anael's eyes, AUMichael's true form.

Let's jump onto Jack's scene watching a video Kelly left him. The mother's message is very pivotal in Jack's life.

KELLY: Hi Jack, it’s uh… I’m your mom. I guess I should tell you, um, I always wanted to be a mom. I’d play with dolls. I was that kind of girl and daydream about my baby.

Kelly is certifying here he wanted to have Jack, Jack was loved. Not rejected, but loved. Kelly says I WANTED TO BE YOUR MOM.

KELLY: Jack, don’t let anyone tell you who you’re supposed to be. Because who you’re supposed to be isn’t fate, it isn’t me, it isn’t your father. You are who you choose to be. And I know you’re going to okay. You are going to be amazing. You have an angel watching over you.

'It isn't me (not human) it isn't your father (not an angel)' is the perfect description of Jack, because he is gonna be the New God. And the last quote is a recall of Mary saying the same to Dean, when she was pregnant. And, emotionally linked to episode 15x18, in which Case says 'I got you' to Jack and then to Dean.

Dean keeps rejecting Jack, calling him a monster, is a blatant self punishment facing the huge guilt he carries in his heart after losing Castiel.

An important scene happens between Missouri and Dean. She, as a psychic, can sense Dean's mourning and depression.

MISSOURI: Oh honey, I’m sorry for your losses.

Dean looks surprised to these words, all the pain he was trying to hide, mostly in front of Jody and her, it shows.

Another self reflection in the mirror of the spectrum foreshadowing Dean staring at the mirror, possesed by Michael.

The conversation between Sam and Jack shows how Jack feels himself as a monster, also he has GUILT, we are witnessing here the GUILT HERITAGE from Dean to Jack, just like John did with him.

Also, Sam see himself in Jack, through his experience with the darkness in the past.

A parallel with Kelly's messages is reflected on Missouri goodbye words to her granddaughter Patience in the cemetery.

MISSOURI: I promise, no matter what happens, no matter where I go, I will always look out for you. You hear?

The words are different but the feelings are the same. Mostly because Sam was reading a book about how to help gifted kids, and this episode talks about two gifted kids: Jack and Patience. The two of them trying to control their powers. But Jack is encouraged to do that and Patience is not allowed to do it by his father.

A little bit interesting point we have in the spectrum WRAITH feeding by psychic's brain, is a continuity with AUMichael living inside of Dean.

When everything ends, Dean has some words with Patience that caught Jody's attention...

PATIENCE: I talked to my dad. He thinks I should put it away. Dad says we should just get back to normal. Maybe he’s right.

DEAN: He is. This life, hunting, monsters, there’s no joy in it. There’s nothing but pain, horror and death. So if you get a chance at normal, you take it.

Dean speaks directly from his broken heart, he had just lost CAS, so he lost everything. There's not meaning in keep living for him. He had seen the death that being a hunter brings. So, he had changed. Everything is sadness, grey and dark for Dean. There's no hopes, no light.

But Jody will speak again, just like Kelly did with Jack, using similar words for Patience:

JODY: Patience, wait. I may be out of line here but you don’t have to listen to him. To either of them if it’s not what you really want.

Not me, not him, Patience need to find herself, just like Jack. Just like the book prayed at the beginning of the episode.

Okay, we are going to focus now in theast scene, so so important!

When Sam sees Dean is back, they started talking about Jack again...

SAM: How was it? Uh, Jody told me about Missouri.

DEAN: Yeah, just another day at the office. How’s the kid? He go dark side yet?

Dean talks about Missouri here with apathy, emotionlessly. This is part of his depression. Then, Sam confronts him.

SAM: No, Dean. He’s messed up because of you. Dean, you said you’d kill him.

DEAN: It wasn’t exactly like that.

SAM: Then how exactly was it?

DEAN: I told him the truth. See, you think you can use this freak but I know how this ends and it ends bad.

SAM: I didn’t.

DEAN: What?

SAM: I didn’t ‘end bad’. When I was the freak, when I was drinking demon blood.

Sam sees himself in Jack in the good way, with hopes, but Dean sees himself in Jack as something that needs to be killed...

DEAN: Come on man, that’s totally different.

SAM: Was it? Because you could’ve put a bullet in me. Dad told you to put a bullet in me, but you didn’t! You saved me! So help me save him!

DEAN: You deserved to be saved, he doesn’t!

SAM: Yes he does, Dean, of course he does!

I will stop here, Dean reflecting himself in Jack is blatant here: HE DOESN'T DESERVE TO BE SAVED. Is the self knowledge of his inner GUILT and MONSTER. Dean sees himself as a monster that doesn't deserve to be saved.

DEAN: Look, I know you think that you can use him as some sort of an interdimensional can-opener and that’s fine, but don’t act like you care about him! Because you only care about what he can do for you! So if you want to pretend, that’s fine! But me? I can hardly look at the kid! Because when I do all I see is everybody we’ve lost!

(Gif credit @foxthefanboi )

Here, my mind went immediately at the scene from previous episode, because Jack behaves so like CAS, and Dean can see it. The pain in Dean's face is getting louder and louder, his eyes, the way he is talking, with cathartic anger will reach the high point when he starts mention the most important person he lost in his life... Castiel. All his pain and anger are because Castiel is gone.

SAM: Mom chose to take that shot at Lucifer. That is not on Jack!

But is not about mom...

DEAN: And what about Cas?

SAM: What about Cas?

Now, the pain and the anger are released in front of his brother. And Sam just confirms and faces it in silence.

DEAN: He manipulated him, he made him promises, said, ‘paradise on earth’ and Cas bought it and you know what that got him? It got him dead! Now you might be able to forget about that, but I can’t!

(gif set credit @shirtlesssammy )

Sam is silent, he takes every drop of anger and pain from his brother, the very cause of Dean's grief is revealed to him. Dean is mourning Castiel. Dean can't forget CAS is dead. Dean can't forgive Jack, himself , for that. That's why. That's the truth. That's why Sam keeps silent.

But the kid is listening...

The grief and the longing is so huge, Jack is able to reach Castiel in the Empty through it. Just like Amara reached Dean through Castiel.

(Gif set credit @shirtlesssammy)

To Conclude:

These two episode showed us how Dean reflects himself in Jack.The guilt and the pain, together with the anger is so huge in Dean's heart, he can't barely hide it.

Sam is the one keeping the flag up for hopes, but Dean had lost everything.

The profound bond is important again now, because is the way Jack reacher CAS in the Empty and wake him up.

Hope you like this meta, see you in the next one!

Tagging @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @weird-dorky-little-d @michyribeiro @whyjm @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @dea-stiel @poorreputation @bre95611 @thewolfathedoor @charlottemanchmal @neii3n @deathswaywardson @followyourenergy @dean-is-bi-till-i-die @hekatelilith-blog @avidbkwrm @anarchiana @dickpuncher365 @vampyrosa @authorsararayne @mybonsai1976 @love-neve-dies @dustythewind @wayward-winchester67 @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @deeutdutdutdoh @destiel-shipper-11 @larrem88 @charmedbycastiel @ran-savant @little-crazy-misha-minion @samoosetheshipper

@shadows-and-padlocked-hearts @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @nerditoutwithbooks @mikennacac73 @justmeand-myinsight @idontwantpeopletoknowmyname @teddybeardoctor @pepevons @helevetica @isthisdestiel @dizzypinwheel @jawnlockwinchester @horsez2 @qanelyytha

@destielle @spnsmile @shippsblog @robot-feels @superlock-in-the-tardis @superduckbatrebel @2musiclover2 @madronasky @anon-non2 @cea1996 @lisafu02 @asphodelesauvage @destiels-canonahhhhhhhhhh

If you want to be added or removed from this list, just let me know.

If you wanna read my previous meta from season 13 go to this link.

Buenos Aires, December 27th 2020, 12:45 PM

[mattzerella-sticks]

Heart in My Hand (15x18 “Despair” coda, Dean-centric, Destiel. post-that scene)

(ao3 link)

He was right there.

Cas was telling Dean everything he ever wanted to hear since meeting the angel of the Lord... only each and every word of his confession stabbed at Dean's heart. Because once he finished, there's no more time for them. For him. For any chance of happiness - all that taken away by the Empty. And now he has to carry on.

He tries. Stands, gets in his car and drives where Sam tells him. When he meets with the others, though...

           Dean spots them easily, only two people left on the planet besides himself. Standing in the middle of the street, waiting. He rolls to a stop near some crashed truck and an abandoned bag of groceries that spills out the top. Egg yolks oozing into a small puddle, mixing with freely leaking juice burning bright against dark asphalt. Visible even from where he sits inside his car.

           With Sam and Jack advancing, Dean crams the rest of his emotions down. Puts on a brave face. What he sees in his rearview isn’t anything like that. Trembling lips. Red, blotchy skin. Wide eyes that look more haunted than an average, Midwestern home. It’s better than how he appeared earlier. And since they’re already here, he must move on. Steeling himself, he exits his car.

           “Dean,” Jack starts, glancing from him to his empty car, “Where’s Cas?”

           Dean fails, again. “Cas…” He croaks, words blocked by the boulder that wedged into his throat once that black portal of despair vanished. Water traces familiar pathways down his cheeks, Dean steadying himself on his open door. Hisses panicked breaths through clenched teeth. “Cas, he…”

           “Oh.” Sam stumbles backwards, news dealing its own damage. Jack stares at Dean, jaw hanging limply. Gaze wet from threatening tears. “Was it…” his brother coughs, regaining his footing, “was it Billie?”

           He shakes his head, still not ready to speak. Voice abandoning him like… well.

           “Chuck?” Jack asks, inching closer. “Did Chuck make him crumble, too?”

           Dean nearly forgot. Chuck… if only. His anger would have a target, instead of hanging around him as if it were a fog. Miasma thick he cannot see past a never-ending reel of those few, long minutes. Cas’s parting message replaying ad nauseum. “No,” he manages, staring at Baby’s roof. “No, he – he sacrificed… to take out… to save…” Gasping, Dean lolls his head upwards. Staring up at an empty sky, sending what’s left of his sentence into the heavens.

           Someone approaches, lays a hand on his elbow. There because it hovered over Dean’s shoulder and chose a different path. Dean felt how close it came to fitting over his angel’s mark. Heard a sharp intake of breath after they noticed it, confirming Dean’s suspicion. “Dean,” Sam says – of course it’d be him. He recognizes his little brother’s voice. Especially when he forces confidence through his tone. It lacks, however, as an undercurrent of worry threaded through it. “Dean,” he continues, “what happened?”

           First, he searches for Jack. The younger boy leans across from Dean, waiting. Curious. Heartbroken. “He,” Dean whispers, knees buckling under him, “Billie was out for blood and – and we couldn’t stop her on our own. So Cas, he…” Sam’s grip tightens on his elbow, adds another supportive touch to Dean’s armpit. Keeps him standing. Dean thanks Sam by letting his hands stay. “We were dead to rights. So Cas… let himself be happy.”

           Jack’s muttered curse resolves a lingering question, whether he knew. Doubly confirmed since Jack draws further attention to himself, slamming his fist on Baby’s roof. Dean doesn’t raise his usual objections. “The Empty,” he says.

           “The Empty?” Sam glances between Jack and Dean, “What would… why would the Empty be there? When Cas is happy – what are you talking about?”

           “A deal Sammy,” Dean says. Louder, rougher. Shattering the eerie silence of this deserted city scape. “He made a deal with that damned thing, his life for… for…”

           “For mine.” Jack tilts his head, brows drawn in such a mirror of his father Dean nearly collapses where he stood. He remains strong. “When I was in Heaven, after I… I died, the first time.” Sighing, he stretches towards them. Extending an empty palm in a gesture of regret. “I’m… I’m so sorry –“

           “No.” Dean slides his own hand, taking Jack’s. Squeezes it. Grounding himself further. “I don’t… it’s not your fault. Cas made the deal. He – he’s made his choice. It’s… if he had the chance to go back, he’d still do it. Again and again. That’s who he is.” Dean hiccups, face cracking as his mouth stretches wide, gracing the others with a rueful smile. “Putting everyone’s needs before himself even if it… even if it meant he could never…” He shudders, Cas’s peaceful expression when the Empty struck frozen in his mind. “Too good, Cas was – he was too good –“

           “Dean, Dean!” Sam tore Dean away from Jack and Baby, carrying him off to sit on the sidewalk’s curb. Bent him, head between knees, helping him work past growing hysterics. Jack followed them, hovering. Shadow blocking the sun from shining above, casting him in darkness. Thinking this makes Dean spiral further. “Breathe Dean, just breathe.”

           It’s stupid. Dean wastes valuable time, their world crumbling all around them. And what is he doing? Crying. Making Sam and Jack comfort him because Dean lost the shovel he usually buries his feelings with. Empty probably taking that, too. It’s stupid. Maddening. Also, completely unavoidable.

           Dean wondered if, one day, he might shatter so completely gathering those pieces might prove impossible. He has his answer, at the worst possible moment.

           Soon he calms, and Dean can lift his head without flashing back there.

           “Dean…” Sam starts, cautiously. Treating Dean too carefully given how far into this war they’re in. “Dean, Cas’s deal… the Empty wanted him happy?” Nodding, Dean waits for the next question. Dreading it. “What… what did he do?”

           Sam hadn’t broken down, when they found Eileen’s duffel – and her phone. Recovered best he could and shouldered his pain. Allowed those seconds of grief, then used it as fuel. Whereas Dean drags his suffering into eternity. Mourns his best friend, and their lost potential. A stolen future. Years spent in denial. If he’d taken a chance earlier… at some point. “Cas,” Dean sighs, “he let himself… he confessed…” Explaining it was too difficult, but Sam needed to know. Jack, too. “He loved me, Sam.” Laughing, Dean wipes at his eyes. “He loved me, after all I – he still… he loved me, and that killed him.” Whispering, he repeats, “He loved me.”

           Sam’s features shifted, journeying from shock to a pitying understanding. Rubs comfortingly at his back, sighing. “Loving you was what made him happiest?”

           “Yeah… it was, it was so simple…” Dean uncurls, teetering, flirting with the idea of lying on his back. He and Jack trade a fleeting glance, Dean checking his reaction. Not surprised in the slightest. Kid’s too damned insightful. “Just admitting it was enough and… and you know what he said? He said he… Cas believed it was something he could never have?” His chest tightens, and Dean scoffs. “I don’t… how could that be – how could loving me be, I’m… how can I be Cas’s happiness? Out of all he could have had, and what he wanted was me – what I… what I thought I could never have.”

           “Don’t say that Dean,” Sam admonishes, “you are worthy of having love.”

           Shrugging, Dean turns from his and Jack’s heavy stares. Looks at the pooling egg yolk again; focuses on that spreading mess. “Cas said about as much, before the Empty… had this whole speech that I – it felt like I was being peeled away. Called me out for… it all feels so meaningless. Is that what it felt like, with Eileen? Being with someone who can see through you and make all this big stuff seem – well, seem not so big anymore?” Sam agrees, as much. “There we were Billie hot on our heels. Waiting for death, and he spits out the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. I almost forgot what was going on. It was just him and me… him seeing – seeing me. And you know what I did? Not a goddamn thing…”

           “Dean…”

           “I could barely speak, I – I was so scared,” Dean admits, “if you’d’ve been there Sam, the look of – look of finality that was there, alongside the love, and peace, and happiness. I always wanted to hear him say that, couldn’t predict him saying all of that… I would’ve traded it if it meant he’d stay. And I can – I get to have him in the only way we could. But he made up his mind, like with Jack. Took Billie down, and him, too. Leaving me there – alone – that it… when I finally said it back, I was too late.”

           They echoed. Hung in the air. Mingled with Cas’s blood on his sleeve and the fresh tears pouring out of him. Shook Dean down to the very core of his being, barely hearing it past the low pitch of static filling his ears. Dean thought those words innumerably before, imagined different scenarios, played pretend in the comfort of his room where no one can see.

           No one ever will, now.

           “I…” Dean tries saying his truth. It doesn’t want to come out. He continues regardless, “I miss him, Sam. Why do we do this? Hurt everyone we’ve ever cared about? Hell, the whole world’s collateral damage because of us!” Exhausted, Dean gives in. Falls fully off the cliff, lying on the sidewalk. Arms spread beside him while he watches endless blue.

           Sam squeezes his knee, “I miss her too. I miss them all.” He stands, adding another shadow. Jack’s advancing, too. Blanketing Dean in a strange temperature. Not cold, still there’s an absence of warmth he notes. “But it’s not on us. It’s Chuck. Always has been…”

           “Then is this it?” Dean asks, “One last play, even if it kills us? Even if it can’t bring everyone back?”            

           “At least we died fighting, then.”

           Dean cannot argue with this. He doesn’t feel too inclined to move yet. “For them,” he says, closing his eyes. “This isn’t about us, anymore. It’s about all of them. The world… our family… Eileen and – and Cas.”

           Their shadows move. He senses them leave, sunlight returning. Bringing with it more memories. Of how it felt first hearing Cas say it. A natural glow that lit from within. Snuffed in Cas’s next breath, as Billie’s fist pounded on the door, and when the bitterness of Cas’s declaration hit his tastebuds. Dean grasps for that feeling, basking under the sun. Pretends it’s Cas giving him that gorgeous, soul-shattering smile. Encouraging him into his final battle. Telling him it’ll be over soon, he’ll be done, and that he loves him.

           He loves him. He loves him. He loves him.

           “I love you Cas.”

           Dean will rise. Gather what little he, Sam, and Jack have and rush at Chuck until there truly is nothing left. Of this world. Or of them. But that’s later.

           Right now, Dean dreams of his losses. Apologizes, one by one, faces blurring together as he starts counting strangers his mind saved for no purpose other than to make him carry more crosses.  Never his, though.

           Cas’s face shines uninterrupted, clearly, like the sun. There even as everything else fades. In the safety of his mind, where the Empty can’t steal him. In the safety of his heart, that Chuck can’t control. In his hands, wearing Cas’s blood like a badge of honor and pride.

           And love.

[inawickedlittletown]

Is It Too Much To Ask For Something Good (1/4)

Pairing: Dean Winchester/Castiel

Summary: Maybe the problem was knowing that if he talked about it and that if he said it outloud with words that could be heard, it wasn’t only his anymore. Or that they had saved the world but nothing was alright. Not anymore. Not ever. 

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In the aftermath of defeating Chuck and bringing everyone back, there was still one thing that wasn't set to rights. Castiel was still in The Empty. And Dean would never leave him there, even if it meant allowing Jack to change him. 

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Author’s Note: I'm sure there are a few hundred fix-it fics out there after a finale like that. And I never intended to write another fic...much less in a fandom I've never written for. But this idea would not stop nagging. The feels I have for these characters would not stop nagging me. So here we are. Enjoy.

Words:  2,531

Read on Ao3

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Part One

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Maybe the problem was knowing that if he talked about it and that if he said it outloud with words that could be heard, it wasn’t only his anymore. Or that they had saved the world but nothing was alright. Not anymore. Not ever. 

The permanence of this death — of the way The Empty had taken Cas away — it left a gaping hole that Dean knew with absolute surety would never be filled. It would always be there and as invisible as it was to everyone else, for Dean it felt ever-present. Cas was never far from his thoughts. Castiel. Angel of the Lord. Angel of Thursday. Dean’s best friend. Dean’s person. Dean’s. Just Dean’s. 

On the days when Sam was gone from the bunker, when he was off helping another hunter or with Eileen and on the nights when it was well after midnight and Sam was in his room for the night, Dean hit the books. He was reading up on everything he could about The Empty. There wasn’t much. And then, like every night, he prayed. To Cas at first even though he knew it would never be heard. Then, to Jack.

Jack didn’t respond. He didn’t appear and he didn’t send any messages. Dean prayed to Jack every day for two months until he finally just stopped. 

Things were different and yet the same. There were still things to hunt and people to help. The Impala was always ready to go and if there was one place where Dean felt happy it was driving his Baby with his music on and his brother at his side. But even then, when his eyes locked on the rearview mirror, there was an angel missing in his backseat and that never failed to make his chest ache. 

Time moved because there was nothing else for it to do, but to Dean that meant little. He tried not to think about it because if he stopped to think about how many days or weeks or months had gone by since, then he would need to consider that eventually one day the number of years without Cas would eclipse the time that he had had with Cas. That felt unacceptable.

For some reason, Sam never pushed after the first few days. He never asked questions or tried to get Dean to talk about Cas probably because the first time Cas came up, right after everything went down, Dean had yelled and thrown things and then he’d picked up a bottle of Jack Daniels and when that one was gone he drank another all spaced out with beer and yet the pain was never dulled. The headache and nausea from the next day made him forget for a few moments and then it just added on. 

When Sam found him and handed him a mug of black coffee, his brother just lifted an eyebrow.

“Get that out of your system?”

“I don’t want to talk about it, Sam. Cas is gone. He’s gone and he isn’t coming back.” 

Sam had given him one of his patented looks that screamed of pity and sadness. “We saved the world. There has to be a—”

And that was the moment when Dean lost it.

“Leave it alone, Sam! He’s gone. That’s it. Leave it alone! We are never going to see him again and that’s that! He’s gone just like mom and like dad and Bobby and...and even Jack.”

His coffee had sloshed in his hand and the hot liquid ran down over his fingers and to the floor before Dean just slammed it down on the nearest table and it spilled even more. 

“But if we talk to Jack. He’s God now and—”

“He’s gone!” Dean screamed and then in a normal tone, “if Jack could have done something, he would have already done it.” Without even thinking about it, Dean grabbed the half full cup of coffee. 

“But this is Cas we’re talking about. He’s come back from The Empty before and—”

Dean threw the mug at the nearest wall. The ceramic shattered and the coffee splattered on the wall and dripped down. 

Sam flinched. “Dean—” 

Dean knew his brother and he knew his brother meant well, that Sam had cared for Cas too, but that didn’t change the facts and in those first initial days when he was still trying to wrap his mind around the other thing, hope that they could bring Cas back was the last thing on his mind. He didn’t need Sam making unfounded promises that they would find a way when Dean knew their chances were slim and that Jack would have interfered and brought Cas back if there was a way. 

“I can’t be here right now,” Dean had muttered as he watched the coffee drip down the wall. 

So, ignoring his brother’s calls of his name, Dean walked away. He barely even packed and then he was off. Dean turned off his phone. For two weeks he drove going from one shitty hotel room to another. And every day his mind replayed Cas’ last moments. 

Cas had been crying. 

Cas had loved him. 

Cas saved him. 

Cas was taken. 

Dean was left all alone. 

Dean dreaded returning, but life on the road wasn’t some balm that made everything easier. It just meant that at least he was on his own. It was on the road that he started to pray. He prayed to Cas knowing it wouldn’t be heard and every prayer ended with: “you idiot, how could you think I never felt the same.” But Dean never said those three words, not when they would never reach Cas’ ears and that was the only way that he would ever say them outloud. 

Dean prayed to Jack too after the first week. Every night it was first a prayer to Cas and then a follow up to Jack. 

Knowing fully well that there could be nothing to do to bring Cas back, Dean returned to the bunker and promised himself that he would try. Not with any expectation or hope, but just because not trying felt like giving up on Cas altogether and that was one thing that Dean would never do. 

Sam greeted him with a hug. Eileen hugged him next. Neither of them asked about his trip, instead they started showing him information about a new case. Dean had expected his return to be met with more arguments with Sam or for him to want to push about finding a way to bring Cas back, so when they didn’t come Dean just jumped into the new case. Dean supposed that it could have been Eileen’s influence, but for once Sam just left it alone. So, Dean did his research when Sam wasn’t around and he prayed every day. 

No day could end without Dean telling Cas about his day. Even when he stopped praying to Jack nightly, he would still pray to Cas. 

If Sam knew about Dean’s research or about how often Dean tried to reach out to Jack, Sam said nothing about it. A part of Dean hoped that Sam did know about it and another part that Sam had no clue. Most of the time, it did seem like Sam had no idea. Between Eileen and the network of hunters that were always reaching out, Sam kept busy. The few times that he did bring up Cas it was casual and not like he was trying to get any reaction out of Dean. 

What Sam definitely didn’t know was Cas’ last words before he was taken or the exact reason why The Empty had come for Cas in that moment and Dean didn’t want him to know them. 

When a whole three months had gone by of Dean not praying to Jack every night, Jack finally showed up. 

It was nearing 4am, and Jack just appeared in the bunker’s library. Dean was doing research. A few empty beer bottles sat on the table next to him. His notebook had gained very little in notes. 

Dean had forgotten how much Jack looked like Cas. He had changed little in his time away, he still even wore jeans and t-shirt. He could have just been coming out of his room to see why Dean was still awake, curious and puppy-like in his excitement to help. That was missing from him, because his lips were pressed into a line and he looked serious. 

“Hi, Dean,” Jack said. “I’m sorry I didn’t come before.”

“Jack,” Dean said. 

Jack rounded the table and he pulled out the chair next to Dean. He sat down slowly. 

“Heaven is a lot more work than I thought,” Jack said. “I couldn’t leave without dire consequences and even now...well, things are a big stabler now but there are so few angels left. And so many prayers.”

Dean didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what he should or could say. Jack was no longer the kid that had trailed after them and that Dean hadn’t been very fair to. He was more powerful than ever and still he hadn’t managed to do the one single thing that Dean wanted more than anything. The thing he would give anything to get. 

“What about Cas, Jack?” Dean asked after listening to Jack describe just a few of the things that had kept him busy.

Jack’s face fell from animated to forlorn. 

“I’ve tried,” Jack said. “I’ve tried everything I could think of and I don’t know how.”

Dean felt his stomach drop. The small sprout of hope that he’d been nourishing inside of him shrivelled and wanted to die. 

“But I know it is possible,” Jack added. His hand reached out to grab Dean’s.

Dean’s eyes snapped to Jack’s. He saw them flash gold and blue light burst from where their hands connected. 

“What was—”

“Castiel wouldn’t have wanted to let you hurt,” Jack said. “At least the physical pains.”

His ribs had been bruised up from the last case he and Sam had gone on and a knife had slashed into the meat of his thigh. He’d burned his hand cooking breakfast that morning and there had been a big bruise on his left forearm. All of that was gone. Somehow, it just made the Castiel shaped hole in his heart that much sharper. 

“Thanks,” Dean said and didn’t know if he meant it. 

“Castiel told me that his father brought him back. Chuck brought him back from The Empty. And I played a part in it the last time that he — I just don’t know how.”

The thing of it was that Dean had thought about it before. Somewhere in his notebook full of notes was a list of all the times Cas had died and what he knew about them and Cas’ return to life. Jack was right in saying that Cas had been resurrected by Chuck. Back then they hadn’t known about The Empty or what it was for but if it was supposed to hold all the angels that died, then they had to presume that Chuck had brought Cas back from there. Chuck would know how he’d done it. Chuck was also now stuck as a human forever and unlikely to help. 

Dean knew that Sam kept track of Chuck just in case, but neither of them had ever wanted to see him again. Certainly not so soon. 

“When you helped get Cas back, you only woke him up,” Dean said. “Cas annoyed The Empty enough that it kicked Cas out. Chuck pulled him out. Didn’t disturb The Empty at all. Just made Cas alive again.”

Dean had thought about it before. It was what had prompted him to pray to Jack and ask for him to bring Cas back. If Jack was on that level of power it wasn’t implausible to think that Jack would be able to do it. 

“Things are different now,” Jack said carefully. “The Empty is different. I think that is the problem. If I could — if I could go in there I would…” he trailed off. “I could barely make the time to come here and, Dean, I can’t stay long before I’m needed.”

The anger that should have come at hearing that stayed at bay, kept back by his pain and by the pain that was reflected in Jack. For Jack, Cas had been a father. Maybe it was unconventional in the way it had come to be with Jack being Lucifer’s son and with Jack not being an actual baby when he was born, but Jack had chosen Cas and Cas had always loved and protected Jack. Not to mention that Dean’s anger at Jack had done more harm than good in the past, so Dean let it simmer and then just turned off the flame entirely. 

“This isn’t your fault, Jack,” Dean said. 

Jack jumped back from the chair and it toppled to the ground. “You think I don’t know,” Jack said. 

Dean watched him. Jack ran agitated hands through his hair. His eyes flitted this way and that before they were on Dean again. 

“I know about the deal,” Jack said. “What he did for me. What he did for you.” 

Dean let his eyes close and he could see Cas with his tears and the way that he had kept his eyes so fixed on him. 

“I want nothing more than to bring my father home,” Jack said. 

“So do it,” Dean said and maybe he said it a bit gruffer and harder than he should have. 

Jack’s shoulders slumped and he looked so young in that moment. 

“I can’t,” Jack said in little more than a whisper. “And I have to — they need me back in Heaven, Dean. I…” he trailed off and his head tilted to the side as he looked directly at Dean. “I can’t go to The Empty.”

“Yes, yes, you’ve said. You’re too busy,” Dean said and he rolled his eyes.

“I am busy,” Jack said. “And I can’t spare any angels. There are too few and those that are left...they do not see Castiel as we do.”

Dean dropped his head into his hands. None of it was right. Jack couldn’t do anything and he was God. If Jack couldn’t bring him back there was no hope and no way to imagine that it could ever happen at all. His face was wet. Dean had cried for Cas so often since the day he was taken that as he wiped them away angrily, he was well aware that they would not be the last tears. 

Jack’s hand landed on his shoulder, squeezing gently. Dean looked up. 

“I need your permission,” Jack said. 

“My permission?” Dean asked, bemused.

“I can’t go and the remaining angels can’t go, Dean. But you can. You can bring him back. Just not while you’re human.”

Dean’s brows furrowed and understanding was settling in him. “What are you talking about, kid?”

“If you were an angel with angelic power, then I can send you into The Empty and you can bring him back,” Jack said. “You can find Castiel and bring him home.”

-

Part Two

[destihellhound]

We Write Our Own Destiny

Canon-divergent ending to 15x19, ignoring 15x20. Also on AO3 | ff

Tagging @destielintheimpala because she’s my best friend and @ineffable-cas because I remember seeing them asking to be tagged in any fix-it fics.

"I won't be hands on," Jack told them. "Chuck put himself in the story - that was his mistake. But I learned from you and my mother and Castiel that when people have to be their best, they can be. And that's what to believe in. Well... I'm really as close as this," he said, placing a hand over his heart. Then he raised his hand in a stationary, dorky wave. "Goodbye."

"Wait!" Dean said, as Jack turned to walk away. "What about Cas? Chuck pulled Lucifer out of the Empty, you can save Cas!"

Jack raised his hands, palms outwards. "I'm hands-off, Dean."

"But it's Cas," Dean growled, taking a threatening step forwards. "We can't get to him there, and it's not like the Empty is just going to give him back if we ask nicely." When Jack didn't seem at all inclined to change his mind, he tried a different approach. "You owe me."

"Uh, Dean?" Sam said hesitantly. "Maybe not a good idea to piss off the new... Him."

"It's Jack, Sam," Dean said, glancing over his shoulder. "The kid who killed our mother." He turned on Jack. "You said you wanted to make it up to me? This is how you do that!"

"Dean, I—" Jack's eyes glazed over for a second as his attention seemed to be focused elsewhere. "She really does have a soft spot for you Dean," Jack told him before disappearing in a burst of divine light.

Dean stared at the space where Jack had stood, just a moment before. What the hell did that mean? Had Amara persuaded Jack to change his mind, or was he still against interfering?

"Hello, Dean."

Dean froze at the familiar voice, almost afraid to turn around. The last time he'd heard Castiel's voice, it had been Lucifer. He swallowed around the lump that had formed in his throat. What if it was just another trick?

"Hello, Sam."

"Hey, Cas," Sam said warmly, and his brother's voice was enough to have Dean turning.

Cas was smiling at Sam, though still visibly confused as to why he was back on Earth. When he turned to Dean, however, his smile faltered.

Dean wished he could say something, anything, to wipe that insecurity off Castiel's face because the angel was back where he belonged. He was always better with actions than words, however, so he strode up to Cas and wrapped his arms around him, hands clenching in that god-awful trench coat.

"Dean," Castiel began, unsurely.

"Later, Cas," Dean murmured in his ear. "Let's go home."

Dean felt like a great weight had been lifted from him as the angel hugged him back; a weight he hadn't even realised had been dragging him down.

"I'll make burgers. You love burgers."

"Everything tastes like molecules to me."

"Not the point," Dean said, leading them back to the car. "You are a part of this family, Cas - don't ever forget it."

"Hey, Dean?" Sam asked, a sudden thought striking him. "Do you think Adam... Michael was destroyed, but do you think Jack brought Adam back?"

"I hope so," Dean said. "That kid deserves to catch a break. We'll reach out, make sure everyone we know is back, and put out the word that we're looking for him."

"Okay."

As they got nearer the Impala, Dean saw Miracle sitting patiently beside the rear door.

"Oh, hell no..."

"Do you think he's got an owner around here?" Sam asked, looking around.

"We're not keeping the dog, Sam."

"You've changed your tune."

"That was different, okay?" He'd just lost Cas. "It was supposed to just be us, and then there was this little miracle and—"

Miracle barked, as if recognising his name.

Dean sighed. Looked at Sam. Ignored his brother's puppy-dog eyes. Looked at Cas. Took in the angel's hangdog expression.

"Oh, for..." He trailed off in defeat. "I am not feeding him. I am not walking him. And I am not vacuuming the hair out of Baby! That's your job," Dean told Sam. "And if you don't keep her clean, I will shoot you, and then I'll shoot Mir— the dog!" He turned to Miracle. "And you are not riding shotgun!" He got in the car and slammed the door.

"Do you want to ride up front?" Sam asked Cas, failing to hide his amusement at Dean's feigned dislike of their adopted four-legged friend.

The angel responded by getting in the backseat with the dog.

As they began the long drive back to the bunker, Sam texted Eileen. His relief at getting a response was nothing compared to the relief and joy that wiped years off his face when she answered his video call and he saw her face.

His relief echoed the feeling flooding through Dean for getting Cas back, and he glanced at the angel in his rearview mirror.

"I love you," Sam told Eileen, doubling down on his feelings by communicating them through ASL as well.

"I love you, too," she said.

"Get a room, you two," Dean teased them.

Sam called him a jerk as he dug his headphones out.

Dean didn't think Sam had said those three little words to anyone since Jess, and Dean himself had never said them; could never bring himself to say them. He glanced at Cas in the mirror again, chest constricting at the thought of losing Cas again. He'd lost him too many times, and was terrified that he'd lose him again.

Sam arranged for Eileen to meet them at the bunker, but in the end Dean volunteered to take a detour to her house so that Sam could ride home with her. Thankfully he took Miracle, too, and Cas moved into the front passenger seat.

"Is it later, yet?" he asked, once they were back on the road.

Dean swallowed. He had meant later, once they'd eaten and he'd had a chance to figure out what the hell he wanted to say. "I guess it is."

Cas sat there silently, minutes dragging by, until Dean realised the angel was waiting for him to speak. Cas had said everything he'd had to say before the Empty took him, and now it was Dean's turn.

"Look, uh, I've never... Guys aren't something that... If you know me, then you know that..."

"I am a multi-dimensional wavelength of celestial intent," Cas reminded Dean patiently. "It is the vessel that I am possessing that presents as male." He squinted. "I could take a female vessel, if that is something you would—"

"No!" Dean exclaimed quickly.

Cas swallowed. "It's not my vessel," he realised sadly. "It's that my feelings for you are not returned."

"Dude, that's not what I'm—" Dean trailed a hand down his face. "Losing you, it hurts. It hurts as much as losing Sam, only it's different, and I don't know what that means."

"I think," Cas began carefully, "it means that you love me. But you need to decide what kind of love it is that you're feeling. Familial, platonic, romantic..."

"What?"

"Do you love me as family, as a friend, or as a romantic partner? I loved you as a friend, then as family, and I grew to love you romantically - but I don't love you because I have a desire for sexual intimacy with you. As an angel that would be as disappointing as eating - merely experiencing the physical and hormonal sensations without feeling the accompanying pleasure. Though if that was something you desired I would be more than willing to oblige, but I don't see that as being something you would have an interest in. At least, not in this vessel. Yet you are unwilling for me to change vessels."

"It wouldn't be you, then."

"I would still be me, Dean."

"I know, I just mean..."

"You've gotten used to seeing me as Jimmy Novak."

Dean coughed. "Way to make it weird, Cas."

"All I want is to spend your life with you," Cas told him.

"You've always been welcome to do that, Cas. But you leave."

"Or you send me away."

Dean swallowed, knowing that Cas was thinking about his time as a human - when Gadreel, pretending to be Ezekiel, had insisted that Castiel could not be around him. "I'm sorry," Dean apologised. He'd apologised before, and would keep apologising. "You needed me, and I should have been there for you."

"You made the choice you did out of your love for Sam," Cas acknowledged. "And that love is one of the many reasons that I love you. I would settle for living your life with you as your friend, as family, if that was all you desired. But I hope for you to desire more."

Dean frowned. "I thought you said you didn't want sex?"

Cas stared at him for a long moment. "Commitment, Dean. A promise to spend your life with me, faithfully."

And Dean nearly drove the car off the road as he realised that 'commitment' meant no more one night stands, no more casual flings. He was such an idiot... But the more he mulled over the meaning of Castiel's words, the more he surprised himself to realise that he was okay with the idea. Sure, sex was pleasurable and fun, but without a meaningful, emotional connection to the other person involved it lacked something that always left him feeling physically satisfied but otherwise empty.

"Would you ever have told me how you felt?" he blurted out. "If you hadn't been trying to save me from Billie?"

"I don't think so," Cas admitted.

"Why not?"

Castiel stared out of the window, looking away from Dean. "Because to hear you tell me that my feelings were not returned, or worse, for you to ask me to leave, is something that would hurt too much."

"The Empty's definitely not coming back for you, right?"

"No, Dean. Our deal was fulfilled."

"Then say it again, Cas."

Castiel turned to him, slowly, with hope in his eyes. "I love you," he said quietly.

Dean shot Cas a meaningful look. "I know."

Hurt momentarily crossed Castiel's face, before realisation dawned and he beamed. "I understand that reference."

Dean laughed, and pressed his foot down on the accelerator.

"So, what now?" Sam asked, once they'd all pushed their plates aside, stuffed full on Dean's homemade burgers.

"Everything we've ever done has been because Chuck wanted it that way," Dean said. "From before we were even born, Heaven was manipulating Mom and Dad into a relationship. Hunting has been my life, but I don't want the job title to define me."

"Job title?" Sam echoed, amused.

"Yeah. 'Hunter' - I want to be more than that."

"Such as?"

"A teacher," Dean said. "I was thinking about it on the drive home - the next generation of hunters are growing up fast, and they need help just like Bobby helped us. And you were doing good, running that network of hunters from here. That could be our future - making our own way. Not hunters, or Men of Letters, but combining that into something that is ours. From now on, we write our own destiny."

Sam nodded thoughtfully.

"And I want to retire. At least partially. I want to live a life. I want to live my life. I want to be a brother," he said, looking at Sam. "Maybe even a brother-in-law?" he asked, giving Eileen a look that caused her to blush and Sam to kick him under the table. "And a... partner," he finished, looking at Cas. He wasn't sure what the right word was to describe what he wanted with Cas, but he had time to figure it out.

Sam cleared his throat. "You cooked, Eileen and I will clean up," he said, gesturing at their dirty plates. "Why don't you and Cas go, uh, watch some Netflix. And maybe chill." He chuckled to himself.

"Sure, that sounds like a great idea," Dean said, standing up and dragging Cas out of his chair. He failed to understand what Sam found so funny. "Maybe we can finish Game of Thrones - I hear that show had a terrible ending..."

[tearsofgrace]

written for suptober day 10: sweet rides

word count: 1.1k, i’m so sorry i don’t know what this mess is like this is all over the place

He had always loved the way the sun glinted off her windshields. He’d be walking out from a frustrating interview, zero leads in sight, and stop to admire her. All golden in the light, the silver glinting on the wheels blinding him. He could stare at her for hours, get lost in the solid black finish.

The best part about her was that he didn’t have as many bad memories tied to her. Well, not childhood ones anyway. John was normally in a good mood while they were driving. He would let Dean pick out the tapes and smile when he always chose Zeppelin.

Inside that car, he was safe.

It wasn’t like the motel rooms. Every time he walked into them the stench of whiskey hit him and he could see himself laying on the floor, hands above his head, trying to fend off his father’s angry blows. He could feel the fear, the shame, the blinding pain. He would still look behind him and make sure Sammy was okay. Every single time they walked into a shoddy motel room. Because they reminded him… he had to keep Sam safe. Even from the people that were supposed to protect them.

Baby wasn’t like the dirty truckstop bathrooms they were forced to stop in. Sam didn’t know that every time he walked into them he could feel himself being forced to his knees. Could feel the tears start to spike in his eyes while he forced himself to remember that he had to do this. He had to put food on the table for Sam. So it didn’t matter. Didn’t matter if they went too far, didn’t listen to him, had him gasping for air. He did it anyway. He had to.

She was safe. Away from the hurt, the trauma, everything he kept bottled up. It wasn’t like nothing bad had ever happened in Baby. But mostly, the bad memories, the fights, they were just words. And even words were safe here.

Maybe that was why it was in the Impala Dean had finally decided to tell Sam all those years ago. Why he’d looked over at him, one day while they were driving, and blurted out that he liked men as well as women. It had felt safe. Sam had smiled, said something about how he supported Dean no matter what and he was proud of him. When they’d gotten out of the car, though, they’d left it there. Every time Sam tried to bring it up he shut it down. The Impala was safe. Outside, he could never be himself.

Baby was his safe place. Which is why it was only fitting that she was the last thing Chuck took away.

First it was the world. Sam, Dean, Cas, and Jack watched it go up in smoke. Then, it was the angels. And once they were gone, Heaven collapsed in a flash of blinding light. Hell was right after that, and Chuck didn’t even blink twice when he snapped it out of existence. Purgatory had gone when all the monsters were gone, and likewise, the Empty followed suit. Billie along with it.

Chuck had kept his promise. This really was the end. No resurrections, no last minute plans, no saving the world. There wasn’t a world to save. They just couldn’t stop him. He was all-powerful, more so than they’d ever imagined. After he’d tricked Amara into captivity, he’d had free reign to play with his toys, make them suffer in every way imaginable.

But he was tired of playing now. Dean looked into his eyes, trying to steal himself. He wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. Wouldn’t let him know that he had already broke them. Wouldn’t let him know that he would give anything to be snapped out of existence right now. Before Chuck took his family too. Before he burned this tiny little patch of Earth that he had left standing. Before he took his safe space, the one that was still sort of glowing, even with the sun gone.

Maybe Chuck heard his thoughts, because he turned to him and smiled. Then he snapped again, and Sam and Jack blinked away.

“No!” Dean screamed, finally breaking his silence.

“It’s gone, Dean. It’s all gone. You lost,” Chuck said. “And now, I’m going to take Castiel. He loved you, you know? That’s how he could have been truly happy, not that the deal matters anymore. Dean turned to Cas, saw the angel’s eyes filled with tears, but before he could answer Chuck snapped again.

“I’m bored. So bored with all of these little worlds, all of your little problems. Earth was my worst idea. Creation wasn’t. So it’s time to start again. You get it, right? I mean, you never really thought you had a chance against me, did you?”

“Go to hell,” Dean muttered.

Chuck snorted. “Right. I’ll just,” he looked around and spread his hands wide, “get to it.”

Dean didn’t answer. Maybe he was too numb to speak at this point. Chuck walked over to the car and patted her hood fondly. “Bet you’re wondering why I kept her to the end.”

“Not really,” Dean spat. Maybe he had some breath in him still. Or maybe it hadn’t hit him yet. That Sam, Jack, Cas, the entire world was all gone.

“I love this car, Dean. You and Sam were a great story, but Baby,” Dean cringed at the word. It sounded so vile in his mouth. “Well, she was a stroke of genius. I mean,” he took a deep breath, looking up at the sky of nothing, “the poetry of you and Sam being each other’s home. Of always being on the road. Of this car being your only constant… well, I was proud of that.”

Dean didn’t answer, just stared at him, frozen in place.

“But it’s time to start over. So I guess I have to say goodbye.” He rubbed his hand over the car again, smiling almost softly at her. But it wasn’t soft, because behind his eyes there was fire. Pure hatred, lack of any sort of human love. He had created humanity, but he didn’t have any.

Dean took a shaky step toward him. He knew it was pointless, so goddamn pointless, but he had to fight. And Chuck just laughed. A full-body, chilling thing. The sound rang in Dean’s ears, but he took another step. Almost in slow motion, he watched as Chuck raised his fingers to snap.

Chuck stopped laughing, and looked at him in pity. “Goodbye, Dean,” he said with a snap. And with that, the world was gone. The heroes that had fought to save it were no more. It was time to start again.

tag list: [ask to be added or removed... srry for the hot mess y’all]

@fandomstuff67 @menjiiii @witchyanaels @starlightcastiel @chaoticdean @larryforeveralways @samhainsam @ghostsforcas @tlakhtwritesdestiel @wanderingcas @prayedtoyou @spooky-things-do-happen-dean @jayus-fandom-writer @cas-you-assbutt-dean-needs-you @starrynightdeancas @radiantdean @piemaker-from-gallifrey @on-a-bender @eshaninjer

[fitzs-trained-monkey]

Chapter Thirty-Four: The Revelation

Rated PG-13 For mentions of abuse, trigger topics such as suicidal thoughts, torture, language, and kidnaping.

Masterlist

~I am not the only traveler

And then I can tell myself

I had all and then most of you

When the night was full of terrors

There aren't very many things worse than watching one's little brother die. I think the only thing worse than that is enduring it twice. I had already had to watch Jasper be slaughtered like a pig in front of me. Wasn't that torture enough for a lifetime? Was having to salt and burn my own brother the universe's twisted idea of a joke? This wasn't funny!

What kind of cruel world was I living in? Why did my last words to my precious little brother have to be empty promises? How was that okay? Jasper would spend the rest of eternity waiting for me to show up, tell him my stories, and tuck him into bed, but I never would. Because if I lived, I would be stuck down here on this awful planet, reliving the same day over and over and over again. And if the Winchester's decided to kill me when they found out what I was, then I wouldn't be going to heaven. I already knew where I would go. It wasn't anywhere good.

Well, if my life was a joke then I hoped at least somebody was getting a kick out of it.

I knew I wasn't.

From the top of the stairs, I heard Sam, Dean, and Cas open the sliding glass door and shuffle outside. Jack firmly insisted on staying here. He probably thought he should stay in case I ' needed him ' for comfort or something.

'Well, joke's on you, puppy, cause I don't need anyone.' I thought, bitterly. I traveled down the dark hallway to my room, the one with the plain white door all the way down on the end. The door opened with a soft click and squeaky hinges and I kicked it shut behind me.

My room was exactly how I had left it. Not a single thing was out of place. Of course, it was about as far away from immaculate as anything can get. There were pieces of paper strewn all over the desk, plenty of wadded-up sketches in the trash can and even more outside the trash, pencils were left in strange places, and mix-matched fairy-lights draped over  way  too many things. Miscellaneous articles of clothing were draped over a chair, clustered around the laundry basket, crumpled on the bed, and a few were even hanging from the doorframe of the closet. The bed wasn't made, the blankets and sheets hopelessly tangled together and there was an atrocious number of glow-in-the-dark stars glued to the roof. Oh, and let us not forget the rainbow-colored streamers hanging from the ceiling fan, so really everything was just an absolute mess.

But it was a comforting mess and that's how that girl who used to be me had lived. She had been a scatterbrained, messy-haired, and bright-eyed sort of girl, she'd had so much potential. That girl could have great. Her mess comforted me too. Maybe she wasn't as dead as I'd thought.

"Well, I'm just about done with this whole damn popsicle-stand of existence. You?" Isaac asked, sounding more dead than he looked.

"Done," I agreed. "So, so done."

I flopped down on my already messy bed, staring up at the tacky stars on the ceiling while I tried to come to terms with the fact that I'd never see my little brother again. I couldn't feel the prickling of tears forming in my eyes. I guess I'd run all out of tears to cry. Lucky me. I felt like throwing up.

"Should we go down fighting or give up and roll over? What say you?" Isaac collapsed at the foot of my bed.

"What's the point in fighting?" I asked, shaking my head.

"Dunno." He shrugged. "Frequent flyer miles?"

"So... Nothing?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

Maybe I would just attack the Winchesters once I tore Felix to sheds. Maybe they wouldn't kill me fast. Maybe they'd make me suffer. Then maybe I could cry like I was supposed to.

I had hardly been debating those thoughts for a minute when I heard footsteps pounding up the stairs. Oh, joy. Five minutes of peace was all I'd asked for and apparently I couldn't even get that. Screw my life.

The door flew open with an overly dramatic bang but I didn't flinch. Jack stood in the doorway, eyes alight like molten gold. I turned my head lazily to face him, aware of my void expression but ultimately indifferent to it. I couldn't even bring myself to act like the fake version of myself I had made to fool the Winchesters. I felt oddly numb like nothing mattered. Because honestly, what did? Not even getting my revenge on Felix would change anything. Things wouldn't get better, my life would still suck to an astronomical degree, and this whole stupid world would just keep turning like it always did. Getting revenge was just self-indulgence, really. So what if Jack saw the real me for a couple of hours?

With luck, I'd be dead by morning.

With luck, he'd be the one to kill me.

I deserved it.

"Welcome to the year Nineteen-Thirty, puppy. What do you want?" I addressed him. My tone was clipped, calloused, and cold, but I didn't care.

Jack's eyes were glowing and the air was charged with his power; it made my hair stand on end and my ears hurt like when a plane takes off. Yet, oddly enough, if there and been one in my hand, I would have been swirling chocolate milk in a wine glass for all I'd cared.

Jack didn't answer me. His mouth opened and closed and opened and closed. There was something in his eyes, something akin to desperation. He knew what he wanted to say but the words died in his throat.

"You deaf, honey-bug?" I lifted an eyebrow and took an actual glance at his expression. He didn't look angry. He looked...

Terrified.

And shocked.

And torn.

And betrayed.

I did this. It was me. I had hurt him.

His hands clutched an object tightly between them with enough force to turn his knuckles white. It was a picture frame. I caught a glimpse of the picture within; it had been taken two weeks to the day I'd died. I looked back up to his eyes.

Ah, yes. There it was. The recognition. What a clever, clever boy.

He'd finally put all the pieces together.

'Well, good for him.'

"Uh, oh spaghetti-oh's; looks like the Nephil knows," Isaac droned from the foot of my bed.

"What are you?" Jack asked, his voice trembling. He blinked back tears, biting down on his lower lip to keep it from trembling.

I blinked, feeling sick. I didn't want to lose him, I realized. As much as the bitterness inside me tempted me to bite into him and taste his sweet blood or tell him the truth and watch him squirm just for a distraction from the pain, I couldn't. Because then I'd lose him. I didn't want to lose him. I'd already lost Jazzy today for the second time, I couldn't lose Jack too.

Isaac turned to me, his expression as empty as mine. "Ya gonna tell him?"

"I am Miss. Nidsbit," I answered, flatly. It was supposed to sound friendly like I was teasing, but it only came off as evasive. Jack glared at me. It was already happening; I was already losing him. I guess I deserved that much.

"Don't joke," He said.

"I thought it was hilarious," Isaac chimed.

"In that case, I'm bottled-depression." I flashed my teeth in a way that held no joy whatsoever. "Pint-sized for your convenience," I added, trying for a familiar joke about my height. It sounded empty.

"That was better," My brother snickered, leaning back and closing his eyes. He was probably just going to keep making sarcastic jabs in an attempt to vent his anger, so I ignored him.

"I asked you a question," Jack growled in a way that somehow managed to be threatening despite the whole baby-face puppy-eyed thing he had going on. It was actually kinda hot... Wait, what? When had that happened?

"And I answered you." I sat up. Why did I sound so bitter? Why couldn't I change it? My eyes flicked down to Jack's throat without my permission. His skin looked so soft and I realized I was suddenly famished. My throat burned and desire reared its ugly head inside me. Isaac's voice snapped my attention back to reality.

"Oh dear, Marty. You made the Nephil sniffle."

Jack clenched his teeth and hissed, seemingly bothered by the fact that I wasn't afraid of him. He wouldn't hurt me, right? No, he would. He would hurt me if he knew. If he knew what I wanted to do to him. I wanted him to hold me as he had a few days ago but I wanted to sink my teeth into him at the same time. I deserved to die.

"What are you?" He repeated, taking a step forward. He would hurt me. Good.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I replied, my voice inflectionless. Wandering towards my dresser I started fiddling with some meaningless piece of junk. Anything for a distraction from his soft throat and thrumming pulse. Jack's glowing eyes followed me.

"Y-you're lying," He said. He was trying to sound strong, but there was something broken in his tone.

"Ya think?" I deadpanned. Jack swallowed thickly; his hand shot out to grab my wrist, eyes fading back to their soft blue.

"This isn't funny, Marty. Stop." His eyes pleaded with me. I eyed his hand.

"Or what?" I challenged. What would he do to me? He looked me in the eyes, frowning and moving closer to me. He needed to step away. I caught my gaze drifting to his neck again but I couldn't stop.

"I really don't want to hurt you," He said.

'Then don't make me tell you.' I thought. His eyes searched my face for any glimpse of his friend, but that girl had never been real, not really anyway. I had made her up.

I wished I could go back in time. Back to the night we met. We could do it all over again and maybe, if I had another chance, he wouldn't figure it out. Maybe it would've been better if I'd never come with Jack in the first place. I wished we could go back to the night we met. Then I could have said no. If I hadn't come with him, I never would have hurt Jack like this. If he had never touched me then I would never have had to feel this pain. If I could just go back.

"And you won't," I said, taking a chance.

Jack huffed, his expression pained.

"This is freakin' five-star entertainment," Isaac mused, resting his chin on his fist, observing Jack and me.

"Please, Marty," Jack begged in a whisper. His sweet-smelling breath was warm as it washed over my face. His eyes flicked down to my lips but only for a split second. No, no. Anything but that. "Just tell me the truth."

'You already know it.'

"I have," I lied. Everything kept coming out wrong! I sounded emotionless like I didn't care but I did! Jack's soft expression melted into one of betrayal.

"So, you're just going to lie?" He asked. "Right to my face?"

I didn't have control over what slipped from my lips next.

"Says the Devil's kid."

"Ooh! One point to the Marty!" Isaac laughed.

Jack stared at me like he was heartbroken. Then his eyes narrowed into a glare, lighting with gold as he released my wrist and moved his hand to seize my throat. He whirled us around and slammed me into a wall with more force than I'm sure than he intended to use. Not that I couldn't take it. Without so much as a flinch, I tilted my head as much as I could with Jack cutting off my air supply.

"Tell me what you are!" He shouted. There was desperation there.

"That's quite the grip ya got there, puppy," I taunted, rasping. He loosened his grip but only slightly, holding the picture of my family up for me to see, the corner was dated January 8th, 2014.

"You said they died five years ago. This picture- it was taken five years ago! You said you were nine then! But y-you - you weren't!" Jack's eyes were wide, almost crazed as he glanced from the girl in the picture and back to me. He knew the truth; he just didn't want to believe it. His voice softened. "You haven't aged a day. Five years and you haven't aged a day."

My voice was soft and it wasn't just from the lack of air. "I aged about a month, actually."

Jack let go of my throat like I was burning him, shaking his head as he backed away like a frightened animal. As well he should. He was the prey here and I did want to kill him. But I wanted him to hold me again even more. "Y-you're one of them..." He whispered.

'Don't leave me. I'm sorry, just don't leave me!' I thought desperately, but that wasn't what came out. I felt trapped in my own skin, the monster inside me taking over, fed by my own bitterness.

"I'd say something along the lines of 'say it out loud' but I'm pretty sure that would have copywrite issues," I said, shrugging and moving back to sit on my bed. Jack watched me carefully.

"Felix - h-he turned you. He made you just like him - a vampire... You're a monster!" He spat the word like it was snake-venom.

And it hurt. It hurt so freaking bad. It was like I had lodged a knife in my own chest years ago and now Jack was twisting it.

'I know I am.' I wanted to say.

"Well that's a harsh way of putting it. But I've been called worse." I brushed it off like I didn't care like it wasn't that deep like I wasn't  bleeding  to tell him how sorry I was. I lowered my head in shame.

"I-I have to tell Sam and Dean," Jack said, shifting onto the balls of his feet, edging towards the door. He was going to make a run for it. Suddenly, I was in control of my body again.

I couldn't let him. I needed more time. I needed to beat Felix first and then they could all find out. I had to fix this. I could still fix this.

I had made Jack forget once.

I could do it again.

I would take us back in time. Before he knew. Make everything right. Take us back to the night we met.

He had to forget.

"I can't let you do that," I spoke softly, my gaze still focused on my feet.

"Are you going to try to kill me?" He asked accusingly.

"No." I shook my head. No, I could never kill him. I was too selfish for that. He deserved someone so much better than me. But I loved him.

"Then what are you going to do?" Jack shifted closer to the exit.

"Isaac," I glanced at my brother out of the corner of my eye. Jack stiffened, his eyes snapping to where mine went. "Get the door."

"On it!" Isaac said, overly eager. Jack bolted but he was too slow. My brother flicked his wrist and the door swung closed with a click. Jack swallowed thickly and glanced back to me, fear filling his features. I knew what he was going to try next.

'This is necessary. One day I'll be sorry.'

"His wings," I said to Isaac, my voice breaking. Isaac grinned widely and reached out, making a pinching motion. Jack froze in a panic, then he clenched his eyes shut groaning as Isaac twisted his hands just a bit.

"Can I rip 'em off?" He asked, basking in the Nephilim's pain.

"Isaac, no!"

"Oh, come on," He twisted his hands even more and Jack cried out, his innocent face twisting in agony. "Just a little?"

"Stop! Just-" I sighed. "Please, don't hurt him, Isaac. Just keep him still, please."

Isaac rolled his eyes. "Oh, fine!" He let go and Jack fell to the ground, panting and shaking. He did his best to get to his feet but Isaac flung him into a wall, pinning him there. "Go ahead and Obliviate the simp."

I stood and stepped towards Jack, slowly and carefully, trying not to scare him any more than I had. I could tell he was trying desperately to move but Isaac was too strong.

"What are you going to do?" Jack demanded, trying to hide the fear in his voice. "Are you going to drink my blood?!"

I froze.

Because I could. Then, I could make him forget.

I glanced at his throat. My fangs ached to come out - to bite.  I could imagine what it might feel like to bury my teeth in that soft, delicious-smelling skin. I could imagine what he might taste like. He'd be sweet like candy. I could be gentle! Maybe if he could somehow understand how badly I needed him then he'd let me. And he heals fast so he'd be okay.

But he wouldn't understand. And I wanted him to hold me again.

I just wanted Jack to hold me again.

"No," I said. I plucked the picture frame from his hands, gazing at the smiles of my family for a moment. I looked up, trying to smile despite the ache of grief and guilt in my chest. "I'm going to need you to forget this."

"I wish I could," Jack said, glaring at the floor. He couldn't even look at me. He couldn't even look.

I nodded. "You will."

"W-what?"

I sighed and moved over to the window. The crisp breeze blew in from the sea as I threw it open, the curtains billowing like vicious barking dogs on a leash. It was a long way down to the black rocks where the land met the ocean. I dropped the picture and watched it tumble until it smashed into the rocks, shattering that perfect picture frame, shattering my picture-perfect family into a million pieces.

"I can make you forget," I told him, over my shoulder. "Take us back to the night we met." The power inside me trilled with excitement; it wanted Jack, it craved him. Or maybe that was just the monster I was, begging to be unleashed. I turned away from the window, closing it as I did.

"What do you mean?" He asked cautiously. He was scared. He was  so  scared.

"I'm going to talk to you, and then you're going to forget, and everything will be back to the way it was." I would fix this. His arms would be around me as soon as I fixed this and everything would be okay. I hung my head and let the power inside me launch forward and wrap itself like chains around my Nephilim. I could feel his light, his grace, fighting back but it had nothing substantial to fight. My power wasn't physical, I just imagined it being so.

"No! W-wait!" Jack watched me with dread, beginning to feel the effects of what I was doing to him. I was locking his memories away, locking him up in his own head. But I had to. Because he wouldn't understand and I needed him.

"I have to do this," I whispered, digging my mental claws in deeper.

"Stop," He gasped, beginning to tremble with effort, "Whatever you're doing, just stop!"

"I can't stop, Jack. I'm sorry, but I just need a little more time," I said, gently. "Four moves and I win."

"Four moves..." He mumbled to himself, his brows furrowing, "Four moves? I-I've heard that before. Where have I heard that before?" Then he groaned and squeezed his eyes shut again.

"Please, just forget. I need you to forget."

'I need you to hold me again.'

"Get out of my head!" Jack's voice rose with panic. He flinched away from me as much as he could but Isaac kept him pinned and helpless.

"I'm gonna make everything okay again. I promise." I fought harder against him, willing my power to work faster. Jack moaned and I glanced up to see his face contorted with pain.

"Please!" He begged me, grimacing, "Please, stop! Marty, please. It hurts." I tried harder, and a choked sob escaped his throat. "Marty, please! It hurts! It hurts! You have to stop! Please!"

"I wish you hadn't found out, Jack, and one day I'll be sorry about this."

"Wait. Wait, no!"

I pushed my power harder than I ever had before.

A horrifying scream of pure agony ripped from Jack's throat. But the walls of this house were built to withstand hurricanes. I was the only one who could hear him. With one last burst of effort, I overpowered the walls of his grace and my power flooded his mind, wiping away any memories of what I was. His scream faltered into groans and those softened into whimpers and Jack's body went limp.

Isaac let go and the Nephilim collapsed but I caught him before his head hit the floor. Carding my fingers through his hair, I pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. Picking him up, I carried him to my bed and laid him there. He weighed more than I did, obviously, but he didn't feel very heavy to me. I laid down beside him, hugging him around the middle and pressing my face into his chest.

Then I finally cried.

"I hope you can forgive me before I'm sorry. Because I'm a liar and don't think I'll ever really regret this."

***

"You hear something?" Sam asked, perking up. Castiel sat dutifully on a large black bolder, watching the house. The angel flicked his eyes to Sam and gave an almost imperceptible shake of his head before focusing back on the house.

"Hm? Uh, no." Dean hardly spared a glance. He was too busy drawing inappropriate words in the sand with his foot. Sam frowned.

"Weird." He shook his head, swallowing thickly as he paced back and forth across the moonlit sand.

"Martina threw a picture frame from her window and it shattered against the rocks approximately sixty-two feet south-east of where you are standing," Castiel informed him, "Perhaps that's what you heard."

Sam shook his head again, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"No, no. It, uh, it wasn't that. I just- I-I coulda' sworn I heard someone..." He trailed off. 'Scream,' He wanted to say. The sound had been like a phantom pain; intense yet insubstantial.

'Just like the visions...' Sam thought. But no. That wasn't possible. He hadn't had a vision or any manifestation of psychic abilities for going on twelve years! He was probably just imagining things. Sam pushed the thought away as soon as it had come. It was impossible... Right?

Yet still, his eyes wandered to the window on the upstairs floor of the dark house; the only window with a slim shaft of light peaking through the curtains. Because what if...

No .

No. Everything was fine, Jack would have alerted them if there was any danger - or at least - the brothers and their angel would've been able to see if Jack thought there was any danger. Judging by the lack of explosions, Sam could assume that everything was fine.

There was no trap here after all. Although, if he thought about it, that may have been the trap in itself. That monster called Felix had lured Marty back here to relive the most painful day of her life. There had been no vamps waiting to do her any physical harm, but Felix didn't need them to. He just wanted that poor, sweet, little girl to hurt.

And, boy was she hurting.

Sam knew how it felt to lose a brother. He knew how it felt to watch his brother die twice. Hell! Sam had watched Dean die more than one hundred times on the one hundred worst Tuesdays of his life. It had made him feel empty inside - hollow. Like somebody had scraped out everything inside of him, the good and the bad, and had left an utter nothingness in its place. And in the face of all that nothing, fear had gripped Sam's heart like a vice. Fear of that emptiness - of all the unspeakable things it made him willing to do. Sam had been willing - eager even - to do whatever it took if it meant filling that awful hole inside of him.

That was what scared him. It was that ruthlessness. It was that titanium will he'd always shied away from. It was when he'd looked into a mirror and seen John Winchester staring back at him. Deep down, that was what both Sam and Dean had always feared the most. Becoming their father. Becoming the shell of a man that had raised them.

Sam could see the beginnings of a similar shell-forming in Martina. He had seen it when they'd rescued her from that shed the week before. Her shell wasn't made of hate like John's had been - not completely at least. Marty's shell had come from grief and fear. She was just trying to hide; both from Felix and from the shell of a person that she was becoming. Jack had told Sam about Marty's memory gaps - about how she couldn't remember what had happened in the shed after she had left. Sam knew that traumatized people tend to blot things out, it was common. But things like the shed and her return to her childhood home could only serve to send Marty further into her shell.

And the last thing the world needed was another John Winchester.

"These kids were livin' a dream, aye Sammy?"

Sam frowned as Dean's mumbled words knocked him from his train of thought. "H-how do you mean?"

"I mean, look! They had everything!" He said, gesturing from the white sand of the beach to the black rocks to the brine woods. His tone and expression grew sober. "Just like a little fairy-tale. And, I mean, three psychics? Those kids - they had a lotta' potential. So smart and talented and now..." Dean trailed off with a frown.

"Yeah..." Sam quietly agreed. Dean turned to his brother with a pensive expression.

"Got me thinkin', maybe-" He sighed. It was hard for him to say and he didn't want to say it. Even though Dean knew that Marty was capable of more than she seemed and that she could affect his emotions, he didn't really care.

Well, he did  care . Dean hated people screwing with his head or his feelings, period. But somehow Marty was different. He didn't really care to admit it, but Dean had always wanted a daughter. A sweet soul he could love and care for but definitely, with a badass side, he could bestow his knowledge upon. Claire was a close as he had gotten but she had already grown up and she didn't want his help. To Claire, Dean was only a painful reminder of all she'd lost.

And, of course, there was Emma.

But Dean didn't like to think about her.

Thinking about Emma was too painful.

But Marty was still young, and she didn't see Dean the way Clair did. Marty looked at Dean with hope in her eyes and he desperately wanted to keep it that way.

Jack had used to look at him that way. Jack didn't look at him like that anymore.

Because Dean had messed up with Jack. He could admit that now. He'd messed up and he'd messed up bad. Things had gotten better between them; little by little over time. But Jack hadn't even been five days old when Dean had promised to take his life. After that, Jack had only watched Dean with fear. Not hope. Just sheer friggin' terror on his face whenever the elder Winchester walked into the room. And though things had gotten better, they'd always have that promise between them.

That promise from the night when if Dean had only been a better person he could have made things better and not worse like he always did. (Because he was always making things worse. Always too selfish. Always screwing things up. Always getting people hurt. It was always him, always his fault.) Dean could've snatched that knife from Jack's hands and told him it was going to be alright even if it didn't seem like it would be. And Dean could've given the kid the kind of hug he should've been given the day he was born; a father's hug, just like Castiel would have given him if he'd been alive to do it. Because that was Cas's son. That was Cas's kid! Oh, God... Cas... How could Dean have let his best friend down so horribly? Cas, who had given everything up for him and his brother. Cas had saved them time and time again at his own expense. Cas, who would bleed every drop of blood he had with a smile on his face, all in the name of the Winchesters. How could Dean have betrayed him like that? It wasn't enough for Dean to just let the angel die!  (It was Dean's fault, of course. It always was. How couldn't it be? He could have prevented it. If he'd just been a little faster or a little smarter.) No, he had to go and tear that innocent kid to pieces just cause he was sad. (So, selfish. How could he be so selfish? Why was he always so selfish?) Cas had trusted Dean with his son and Dean had repaid him with the promise to take Jack's life. No wonder Jack still could hardly bear to look Dean in the eyes. How could he? Dean wasn't meant to be a father to anyone. He was too frickin' selfish for that.

But this time, things would be different. This time around, Dean would be different - he would be better. For once in his life, he would be selfless and he'd do the right thing even if it possibly meant giving up his only chance to raise a little girl. Because, despite being tainted by darkness and tears, there was still so much good inside Martina Linville. She had so much potential, with the right chances, she could grow up to be great. But she would need those right chances and she wouldn't get them if she stayed with the Winchester's broken little family. All they brought to people was tears and death.

Dean didn't want that for her. She deserved better. Just like Dean himself and his brother had deserved better. She deserved to live a life free from all this pain - a good life, a happy life. Dean wanted that for her. Dean just wanted to help. That was all he'd ever wanted. The last thing Marty needed was more darkness in her life. She didn't need them in her life.

She didn't need him in her life.

So, Dean would be selfless and he would let her go and he would give her the chance to shine like the stars she loved so much. It was probably the most fatherly thing he could do for her. 'Cause Dean just wasn't cut out to be a Dad.

But, oh, did he wish he could be one. Even though he knew that Marty's empathic abilities were probably what was making him feel so strongly about her, Dean couldn't help but go along with it. It wasn't like she was stuffing thoughts in his head; his feelings may have been bolstered but Dean's mind was his own. Dean had always wanted a daughter, Marty hadn't made that up that wish, she'd just reminded him of it. He felt awful about how he had treated Jack and craved a chance at redemption for his mistakes; Dean had made those choices, all Marty had done was exist to give him a chance. Sure, she was rioting his emotions. But what did that matter? Because Dean wanted this and damn it! This felt real!

But he couldn't have it.

Because Dean, and his brother, and their angel, and - yes - even Jack -- it was all some sick, screwed up, god damn beautiful tragedy -- But they were the last thing Martina Linville needed.

So, Dean would be selfless.

"Thinkin' about what?" Sam's question shook Dean from his reverie and back to what he'd been meaning to say.

"Maybe we should put her into the system after all this," He said, thoughtfully, though there was regret in his tone also. Sam blinked twice, shaking his head.

"W-what? The system? You mean the foster system?" He asked, incredulously.

"Yeah? Something wrong with that?" Dean responded. Sam gaped at him.

"Is something wrong with that? Dean, everything is wrong with that!" He exclaimed. Dean opened his mouth to argue but Sam didn't let him. "We made Marty a promise! Just this morning you said she was part of the family. Was all that just talk?"

"No, but-"

"Then what the Hell was it, Dean? Because you can't just go back on something like that! We said we'd take care of her," Sam huffed, crossing his arms and glaring at his older brother.

"And that's exactly what we'd be doing," Dean argued, "Giving her a place that's safe."

"Who would take her in? She's fourteen and she's got more trauma than some war veterans, I don't-"

"Exactly!" Dean cut him off. "The kid's got issues! She needs help, the professional kind."

"Since when do you promote therapy? Sam scoffed.

"When it doesn't involve me," Dean grumbled. Sam shook his head, getting back to the point.

"Throwing her on a bunch of strangers with no clue what she's been through, and who couldn't possibly understand her even if they knew, isn't going to help her! She'd get tossed around or thrown into some group therapy home till she's eighteen and then they'd dump her back on the streets where we found her! How is that taking care of her?"

"It's getting her out of this life, Sam," Dean said firmly. Sam glared.

"You mean getting her out of your life," The younger brother spat lowly.

"What did you just say?" Dean asked dangerously.

"You heard me."

"You have somethin' ya wanna say to my face, Sammy?" Dean growled.

"Dean," Castiel said his name like a warning, his hand gripping Dean's shoulder, holding him back.

"Yeah, I do." Sam's nostrils flared and his mouth was pressed into a thin line. "I'm not gonna stand by and watch you do this again."

"Do what again?" Dean questioned, Cas' hand on his shoulder reminding him to keep calm.

"This thing you do. Anytime a kid comes along, you do this. You act all annoyed, then right as you start liking having 'em around something happens and you realize the responsibility and it freaks you out so you back off and you push 'em away."

"I don't do that," Dean said, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah? 'Cause you did it with Kevin, you did it with Claire, you did it with Jack, and now you're doing it again right now with Marty. The second things get real, you get scared and you run away." Sam kept eye contact with Dean, challenging him to look away. Dean clenched his teeth, his pride preventing him from losing the contest of wills.

"Quit fooling yourself, Sam. Look at me!" Dean's voice broke just a little. But he cleared his throat, quick to cover his mistake. "Er, at us, I mean. We can't raise a kid!" He protested.

"We raised Jack," Sam countered.

"Because there were  literally no better alternatives!" Dean seethed. Sam opened his mouth but Dean wasn't done. Hyperaware of Castiel's presence just behind him, guilt ate at his heart. But Dean had never been very good at apologies. "And I even screwed that up! I'm not Dad material, Sam. I'm just not!"

His outburst of emotion made Sam blink, rendering him momentarily speechless. He could have spoken his next words gently but pride made them come out like acid.

"I don't think that's what Ben thought," He hissed. Sam knew it was a low-blow bringing up Ben. That wound was still sore.

"Yeah?" Dean laughed but there was no humor in it. "WELL LOOK HOW THAT TURNED OUT!" He yelled. Sam tensed but didn't back off.

"Something isn't real because it lasts, Dean," Sam said, speaking just a little bit gentler now. "For however short a time, Ben had a dad that loved and cared about him. For however short a time, you made him happy. You say you're not dad material, but that's not what I saw. If that's what you're so worried about, then don't be. 'Cause you made an pretty awesome dad, Dean, even if Ben doesn't remember."

Dean sighed in defeat. "We have nothing to give her, Sam."

"We have trust and understanding, a-and that's more than some random foster home could give her."

Dean shook his head. "It doesn't have to be random."

"What do mean?"

"Jody," He suggested, "I mean, she's already got Claire and Alex. What's one more?"

Sam sighed through his nose, shaking his head. "Yeah, she's got Claire and Alex-" He paused giving his older brother a pointed look. "-  And Patience and Kaia. What's one more? That's only five emotionally unstable teenage girls to take care of, on top of a full time job as a sheriff, and hunting to worry about too."

"I agree with Sam," Castiel spoke up, "We cannot simply dump yet another troubled youth onto the already burdened shoulders of Sheriff Mills." Sam gestured to the angel as if accentuate his point.

"But at least she'd be safe," Dean argued, pursing his lips into a thin line.

"From monsters, sure," Sam agreed, nodding. Dean could sense a ' but ' coming. "But not from herself."

"Jody could help Marty just as much as we could - probably more!" He said. Dean could hear Sam grind his teeth in frustration, but Cas held up a hand to speak.

"I don't think that's true, Dean."

"Why not?" Dean asked the angel.

"'Why not?' Haven't you been listening?" Sam exclaimed. Cas shot the younger Winchester a look and he fell silent.

"I am sure Sheriff Mills is a competent and kind woman; however, Martina does not know or trust her. Sending her to live there would only be marginally better than shipping her off to a stranger," The angel stated, evenly.

"What's that gotta do with what Sam said?" Dean asked. Cas gave him a long-suffering look but continued in perfect patience.

"As weary as I am of Martina's true motives and intentions, I think it is plenty clear the choice she faces after the termination of her family's killer. That is, if she has not made her decision already."

Dean's face scrunched with confusion. "What choice is that?"

"The choice of continuing to live free from the threat of Felix Monroe, or..." The angel trailed off, frowning. His tone made Dean feel like there was a knot in his chest.

"Or what?" He pressed, cautiously. Cas sighed.

"Or to end her life and return to her family," Cas finished, soberly.

Dean was stunned. He hadn't thought- He had never realized.

"Wait, whoa. Are you telling me Marty wants to commit suicide?" His eyes were wide with fear and alarm. She was too young for that. Too young to want to kill herself. No. She couldn't. Dean wouldn't let that happen. "Where's this coming from?" He demanded. Sam glared at him.

"She told her little brother she'd be with him soon. Combine that with the scars on her wrists, and it's really not that hard to figure out," He said, coolly.

Scars? Dean understood now. That was why she was always wearing long sleeves, even in the sweltering heat of Florida. Sam took advantage of his older brother's silence.

"Think about it, Dean," He pushed, "Sending her away from first people she's allowed herself to get attached to in five years? You think that will help?"

The thought made Dean reconsider but Sam had more to say.

"A-and think of Jack! You've seen how much he cares about her. I've seen him smile more in these last two and a half weeks than he did in the five months since we got him back from Apocalypse World. What do you think would happen if he found Marty laying in a pool of her own blood? What do you think that would do to him?"

"It would kill him." Dean sighed, nodding in agreement and Sam cracked a smile.

"I mean, we both know he loves her, Dean. And I-I don't mean like a sister," The younger brother said, fondly. Dean chuckled and the tension in the air cleared.

"Yeah, there's definitely a thing there." He shook his head, grinning. "I mean, it's totally weird but it's a thing." Sam nodded and shrugged.

"Well, I dated a demon. I don't think I can judge."

"You can say that again!" Dean laughed.

The sudden chime of a phone ringing cut through the cool nighttime air like a knife and Dean reached to answer. The smile dropped from his face as soon as he caught a glance at the screen.

"Who is it?" Castiel asked.

"Blocked," Dean answered, apprehension filling his voice, "Three guesses as to who." He mumbled, sliding a finger across the screen to pick up the call and putting it on speaker.

"This is Dean Winchester," He announced as the line connected.

There was no voice on the other side of the call.

"Hello?" He tried again.

Again nothing.

Dean could hear someone breathing but they didn't speak. The breaths sounded ragged and uneven like the person was out of breath. There was background noise as well, a deep rumbling that seemed to increase in volume as time wore on. Without warning, the sound of a deep bellowing horn blared from the phone's speaker. It was the sort of horn that typically accompanies a low rumbling noise. It was the sort of horn that accompanies a really, really big train. The sound of the horn grew louder but soon began to fade as the train passed by whoever had been holding the phone. Something told him this wasn't a simple case of a butt-dial. The situation unnerved for some reason he couldn't name. It was like a scene from a movie.

"Tell me who you are or I'm hanging up," Dean said, his voice demanding.

"I-I would'nt d-do that if I were y-you!"  A desperate, ragged voice called from the phone. Dean had gotten it wrong. The person on the phone wasn't Felix. The person on the phone was a little girl and she wasn't out of breath. She was terrified.

"Why not?" He asked, cautiously.

"B-because little Pamala o-only get's this one c-call." The voice on the other end sounded oddly robotic despite the words being broken into syllables by the girl's sobs.

"What do you mean?" He wondered.

"She-she's lu-ucky you picked u-up. If you hadn't I'd have t-old my friends to e-eat swe-eet Pammy here! Sh-she's seven, just so you know!"  The little girl choked out.

"Felix," Dean growled, "You're using the little girl to talk for you?"

"Pamala is a c-cute little pup-pet. But she's a-annoy-ing. If she d-doesn't stop s-stutter-ing, I'll tell one of my f-friends to t-ake a bite!"  The little girl whimpered and took a deep breath, trying to steady her voice for the sake of her life. " So, what shall I make Panama say next?"

Dean gritted his teeth together. To his right, Sam looked like he was going to be sick. But this wasn't just sick, this was downright  vile . On his left, Cas looked about ready to rip that monster apart with his bare hands.

"Why don't you talk to me with your own voice, Nessie? Ya scared?" Dean taunted.

"No. That would ruin the fun of the game." The girl spoke slowly, trying her best to stay calm.

"What game?" Castiel demanded, sounding a step away from livid.

"You hunters and your angel have thirty minutes to come and rescue poor, little Pamala. When time is up, I'll tell my friends to- to r-rip her in- into itty-bitty pieces!" The girl let out a panicked sob after finishing the monster's words.

"How are we supposed to do that?" Dean demanded, fuming. "She could be anywhere!"

"No, not anywhere, Dean. She's sitting all wrapped up in the attic of the Florida East Coast Railway Station at Fort Pierce. I might be there with her too, gives you a chance to catch me just to make things interesting. But you better hurry, I hear t-traffic can be a biatch."

"You're gonna pay for this, you son of a bitch!" Dean growled.

"Watch the language, Dean Winchester. There are children present. You don't wanna spoil little Pamala's innocence, do you?"

Dean was so enraged, he couldn't even speak. Luckily, Sam was thinking the same as he was.

"We're gonna kill you," Sam promised.

"Perhaps. But not before I show y-you the truth."

The truth? What truth?

"This call will end in...

Five...

Four..."

"Stay strong, sweetheart!" Dean called to the little girl on the other side of the phone. "We're gonna come help you!"

"Three...

Two...

One...

...

...

...

Please save me...

...

...

...

I don't wanna die..."

Then the line clicked and the call was over.

Dean clenched his jaw and put the phone away.

"Let's go gank that sick bastard."

~I am not the only traveler

And then I can tell myself

I had all and then most of you

When the night was full of terrors

Lyrics from: The Night We Met by Lord Huron

I had all and then most of you

[marie12141989]

It’s A Cold And It’s A Broken Hallelujah part 19

Pairing(s): Castielxreader, Midam (if you squint)

Word count: 5237

A/N: I finally got around to doing this. My schedule has been crazy due to having to work the Christmas holiday and I didn’t think it would take as long as it did to actually type the last two parts up. I actually have a horrible headache so I haven’t been able to finish the last part yet so you’ll just have to enjoy this one for now.

You felt like you were in a daze, you don't remember when Jack and Sam came back nor do you remember them telling Dean that everyone had just up and disappeared. It wasn't the few survivors from the alternate universe, it seemed to be literally everyone. You slowly looked up at Sam and Jack who seemed confused "Y/N where's Cas?" Sam asked while Jack looked around, you heard Dean let out a sigh and you saw him put a hand over his eyes. You bit your lower lip but it didn't keep a sob from escaping and a second later you had your head in your hands and you were sobbing and screaming all over again. Jack yelled for you before wrapping his arms around you while Sam quickly turned to Dean who had quickly walked across the room to comfort you "Dean what's going on?" Sam asked both worried and confused.

"Cas is gone Sam. He sacrificed himself to the Empty to save Y/N and I from Billie. She tried to kill us and he felt like he didn't have a choice." Dean told him as he gently rubbed your back and rocked you back and forth. Jack seemed lost, he couldn't just go into the Empty and pull Cas out and he wasn't sure if him wishing for him to return would work again. "Anyway are you sure that everyone's gone?" Dean asked while Jack gently put a hand on your back.

"I think they're gone. I didn't see anyone on the way back and I know that everyone that we tried to protect just vanished. I don't understand though, I could have sworn that we used all the right warding to keep Billie out." Sam said, confused.

"It wasn't Billie that did it. It was Chuck." you mumbled. Dean looked down at you and gave you a look as if asking you if you were okay. Once you nodded your head yes he slowly released his grip on you and helped you stand up. "We need to go to town and check to see if anyone's left." you said as you shuffled to the doorway to the garage. Jack followed close behind you, he stopped and turned to Sam and Dean who just shook their heads and followed you. It turned out that Sam and Jack were right at least from what you could tell from the town. Everyone was gone, the four of you went building by building to check for anyone that they might have missed when you realized something "Wait." you said and you looked around wide eyed.

"What's wrong?" Dean asked not knowing what you were looking for.

"There's no birds. No bugs. No animals making noise at all." you said while turning to him. Dean's mouth dropped open and you could tell that he was listening as well before he looked at you again.

"He got rid of every living creature save for us and the plants." he said in surprise. A chair toppled over behind you and the two of you quickly pulled your guns out and pointed them at who or whatever had come up behind you. To your shock and amazement there was a dog that came to about your knees, it had shaggy golden fur and it was staring at you and Dean while wagging its tail in greeting.

"Holy crap." you mumbled before putting your gun away and slowly walking towards the dog. The dog sat down and lifted one of it's paws up to you and seemed to be waving at you. "Hey little.......guy." you said as you took a quick look at the dog's nether region.

"Does he have a collar on?" Dean asked if you could defeat Chuck and bring everyone back. The dog probably had people that would come looking for him. You moved some of the fur out of your way and then tried to check for a chip before you shook your head.

"No. I don't think he belongs to anyone. Why?" you asked and you raised an eyebrow when you watched Dean pick the dog up and carry him out to the impala. "Wait we're taking him with us?" you asked surprised.

"Yeah why not? He needs someone to take care of him." Dean said as he gently shut the door.

"What are we going to call him?" you asked looking at the dog who had now stretched across the backseat.

"Oh I don't know. How about Miracle?" he asked with a smile.

"Miracle? Dean, it's a boy dog." you said with a laugh.

"Yeah but he doesn't know that it's a girly name. And besides that's what he is. Out of everyone and everything else in this world other than us that didn't get dusted he's the one. He is a literal miracle." Dean said and you just shrugged.

"Alright. I mean it doesn't look like he cares what his name is." you said as you watched Miracle fall asleep. Suddenly Sam and Jack came over to the two of you and they both did a double take when they noticed Miracle.

"Did you find anyone?" Dean asked but they both shook their heads.

"I see you found a dog though." Sam pointed out.

"Yeah I felt bad for him. He doesn't have a collar or anything so as far as I know he's homeless. He needs someone to take care of him." Dean said.

"Alright well anyway Jack said that he feels a presence of someone or something over in that church. We came over to let you guys know before we went in just in case." Sam said and the two of you nodded before heading towards the church he had pointed to. When you got to the door you, Sam and Dean pulled out your guns while Jack showed that he was ready to attack if need be. Dean reached forward and yanked the door open before the four of you quickly walked in facing every direction. "You see anything?" Sam asked.

"I don't see anything. Are you sure about this Jack?" you asked, turning towards him.

"I'm sure." Jack said looking around.

"So you actually showed up. I wasn't sure if you would or not." came a voice. All of you turned towards it and saw Adam standing there.

"Adam? You're still here?" Dean asked, surprised. Something seemed off to you though.

"It's not Adam Dean, it's Michael." Jack told him.

"Well can we speak to Adam for a second?" you asked but Michael slowly shook his head no.

"Why not?" Sam asked.

"Because he's not here anymore. One minute he was talking away and the next......I was all alone." Michael said while looking down at the floor.

"Chuck must have erased Adam too then." you said as you turned to the guys.

"What?" Michael asked looking up.

"Yeah your dad is wiping the slate clean. As far as we know me, you, Sam, Dean, Jack and this dog we found along with the plants are the only living things left on the Earth as far as we can tell." you told him.

"I thought you were going to seal him away!" Michael yelled before stopping, letting out a sigh and backing away.

"We tried. But he knew what was going to happen and he stopped it. Do you have any other ideas?" you asked. Michael laughed and crossed his arms.

"None that he won't be able to predict." he said. "I heard that he has his own death book. If we can get the book and get Death to open it she can read it and tell us what to do." he finished.

"Yeah there is no death right now." you said before cringing.

"What are you talking about? Of course there's a death there's always been a death." Michael said, looking confused.

"Not anymore. Cas took her out along with himself." Dean told him before slowly turning to look at you. Michael looked at him confused before he turned and looked at you and saw the pain that was clearly on his face.

"That's the stabbing pain I felt. Right before Adam disappeared I felt a horrible pain right here" he said as he put a hand up to his heart "Adam was concerned and he was asking me what was wrong when he just stopped." he said before taking a deep breath.

"Well this isn't getting us anywhere. I say that we go back to the bunker and see if we can find any way to get a hold of the book and maybe make another Death so that we can have them read it or something." you said as you started to walk towards the impala. Miracle sat up and happily wagged his tail at you as you got near and you opened the door to let yourself in. The rest of them came out eventually, Sam was the first one that got in and he turned to you.

"Michael's going to come with us." he said before sitting down and waiting. The rest of them got into the car and you gently placed Miracle onto your lap before Dean started the car up. No one said anything the whole ride and you looked at everyone to try and see if you could figure out what they were all thinking. The only one who's emotions you could guess at was Jack's. He looked so tense and uneasy since he was sitting right next to Michael, you reached over and grabbed one of his hands and he looked up at you to see you smiling at him as you tried to silently reassure him that his uncle wouldn't hurt him. 

He smiled back at you and showed that he was okay. Neither one of you saw Michael watching all of this happen with a smile on his lips, he hadn't been sure how to feel about Jack and even less so about your relationship with Castiel. Even though they hadn't gotten along in the past century or so Michael still considered Castiel his little brother and he had been suspicious about his relationship with you but Adam had convinced him to give you a chance and now he was glad that he had. As soon as you got back to the bunker you went through the library and pulled out every book that could possibly help you and the five of you got to work on looking for an answer while Miracle happily munched on the food that Dean had stopped to get for him. You were on your way back to the library from the bathroom when your phone rang, you pulled it out of your pocket to see Cas's name on the screen.

You quickly swiped to answer the phone before putting it up to your ear "Cas?" you asked, feeling your heart starting to beat faster.

"Yeah, yeah. It's me. The Empty spit me back out but........I'm hurt. I'm at the door and I don't have the strength to open it. Could you open it for me Y/N? Please?" came his voice. If you had stopped to think about it for even a moment you would have realized that something was off with him but instead you told him that you were on your way before you sprinted towards the steps of the doorway and ran up them before flinging the door open. Your joy quickly turned to anger when you saw Lucifer standing there, the bastard even had the nerve to smile at you.

"You." you said with a growl before you grabbed a hold of him and spun him around so that you could slam him into the railing. "I should throw you over this fucking railing onto your Chuck damn head right now!" you yelled.

"What's going on?" came Michael's voice. Lucifer was staring at you wide eyed while you just glared at him angrily refusing to shed one tear in front of him. You heard footsteps approaching and a second later Michael was beside you. "Y/N. Hey. Let him go. Come on. You don't want to do whatever it is you're thinking about doing." he said as he gently grabbed your wrists.

"Oh but I do Michael. I want to watch the fucker fall and see his head split open." you said mentally scolding yourself and a sob slipped out. Lucifer quickly turned to Michael pleading with him to help him, Michael just glared at him before wrapping his arms around you.

"No you don't. Castiel would never want you to do that." he said trying to calm you.

"That's just it. He pretended to be Cas! He made me think he was back! Michael. I thought I had Cas back." you said before letting go of Lucifer and turning in Michael's arm to start sobbing again. Lucifer looked between the two of you before settling on Michael.

"Look if I had known she was going to act this way." he began but Michael's eyes flashed blue.

"Don't. You knew what this would do to her and you still did it. I'll deal with you later." he said as he carried you away. Lucifer let out a huff as he did and threw his arms up.

"Why am I always the bad guy?" he whined.

"Because you are." Michael called back before walking down the hallway. Jack joined you later to see how you were doing even though Lucifer followed him most of the way there whining the whole way about how he couldn't believe that he wasn't happy to see him before Jack stopped and glared at him.

"My father sacrificed himself to save all of us. My father is dead." he said before storming into your room.

"So I guess you don't want to see my surprise then." Lucifer called out. You got up from your bed and went to the door.

"No Lucifer we don't. Why don't you go bug Michael or better yet go back to hell where you belong?" you said as you slammed the door in his face.

"Wow rude." he said but you heard him turn and walk away. You sat in your room for an hour or so just talking to Jack and telling him stories of things that you and Cas did when you were younger and you had just started to date when you heard a commotion coming from the library. Both of you got up and ran to it in time to see Michael and Lucifer fighting.

"Well that didn't last long." you mumbled while Jack just watched as if he was waiting for something. Before you could even think to tell them to stop you watched Michael kill Lucifer again. All of you stared at Michael in shock and horror before he calmly took the book and gave Sam and Dean a quick nod before he took off. "Wait. Was that Chuck's book? The one we needed!?!" you yelled when you realized what had happened.

"Yeah. But calm down." Sam said as he slowly walked over.

"Calm down? Sam where the hell is Michael taking it?" you asked.

"To Chuck." Dean asked and you stared at them wide eyed.

"And we're just going to let him?" you asked in disbelief.

"Yes." Jack said with a smile.

"I'm sorry. Yes? Am I the only one who hasn't lost their mind? Michael kills Lucifer for whatever reason and took the book and we're supposed to be okay with this?" you asked with a nervous laugh.

"Yeah pretty much." Dean said with a shrug. You made some kind of noise and put your hands up to your head.

"Cas should have taken me to the empty too. I should have jumped in. Everyone has lost their minds!" you shouted while turning and looking at the floor where Lucifer's body should have been. "Oh no. I'm going crazy too. Where's Lucifer?" you asked pointing at the ground. Sam and Dean looked at the spot uninterested while Jack started walking towards you. "His body should be right here! Where the hell did it go? Did Michael take that too?" you asked feeling your sanity slip away.

"No. Although that probably would have helped his story." came a voice from behind you. You spun around at the voice and let out a groan before looking up at the ceiling.

----------------------------------With-Michael-and-Chuck----------------------------------

Michael let out a sigh while he looked at the book, he had seen the inside of it and he didn't see any writings. The new Death said that no one but her would be able to read it, not even God himself so Michael failed to see the point of this. 'Do it for Adam.' he thought to himself while he nervously tapped a finger against the book. Finally Chuck appeared and Michael smiled at him "Father. You've finally arrived." he said before walking over. Chuck wrapped his arms around him and Michael had to fight the urge to back away from him.

"I knew that you could do it Michael." Chuck said with a smile.

"Of course. It wasn't hard to make them believe that I was on their side. Y/N is so destroyed by Castiel's death that she's willing to accept any help they get." he said while shifting the book in his arms. Chuck looked at the book before handing his hands out, Michael looked at it and the smile vanished from his face and he looked back up at Chuck.

"Before I hand it over you promise to give me Adam back right?" he asked and Chuck nodded his head yes.

"Yeah, yeah I promise now give me the book." Chuck said and Michael started to hold it out before he pulled it back.

"What happens after you bring him back and you open the book?" he asked and Chuck rolled his eyes.

"I told you Michael. If I know how I'm supposed to die I can avoid it." he said as he started to reach for the book again. This time Michael backed up.

"But it will change won't it? If you avoid one death there will just be a new way for you to die won't there?" he asked and Chuck groaned.

"Yet again I'll have the book so I'll be able to see that one too. Now give it to me Michael." he said while shaking his hands at him now.

"Do we all have books?" Michael asked and he could tell that he was getting on Chuck's nerves.

"Of course you all have books, everyone does. Even the archangels. You, Lucifer, Raphael and Gabriel all have a book." he said as he started to walk towards Michael who was backing up more.

"So you could of looked to see how all of us are going to die and you could of stopped it at any moment. Hell you could of stopped so many bad things from happening to us." he said with tears in his eyes.

"Enough. Give me the book. Now Michael. I'm done asking." Chuck said as his right eye started to glow.

'I won't fight you.' came Amara's voice and Chuck's left arm dropped.

"Damn it! I am so sick and tired of your weakness sister!" Chuck yelled while glaring at his arm.

"You let them die. All of the angels. Lucifer, Raphael.............Gabriel. You could have stopped what happened to all of them, especially Gabriel." he said as a tear slipped down his cheek. Before they had started to fight Lucifer had told him everything that Gabriel had gone through while Asmodeus had him. If they were able to throw up Michael would have vomited when he was told what his little brother had to endure for seven long years all alone.

"Enough! Give me the book now!" Chuck yelled and Michael clutched it to his chest.

"No!" he yelled back. Chuck stared at him in shock for a second before he became angry and he reached out with one hand and used his powers to destroy Michael. Once the dust had settled Chuck straightened his clothes and started to walk towards the book while ignoring Amara's sobs and screams. He bent down to grab the book when he felt someone coming up, he stopped and turned to see the impala pulling up.

"You're too late." Chuck called out with a smirk.

"Oh are we? Where's the book?" you asked as you looked at the spot it had been at a minute ago. Chuck quickly turned back around and you heard him shout as he ran over to where it had been and you chuckled as he spun around in place. He stopped and looked at you, Sam and Dean and you could see the fury on his face.

"You three. I don't know how the hell you did it but you've taken my book!" he yelled as he came at the three of you. None of you had time to move before Chuck was on you attacking all three of you, after about ten or fifteen minutes Chuck knocked Sam and Dean away from you before turning to you and grabbing you by the neck. "You. You're the reason why Castiel was broken. Every other universe he never meets you and he does what he's told. You're nothing but a plague on this world. You were never anything but his little whore, he thought that I felt bad for making you infertile" he chuckled at this part "No. I only let the two of you get together because I knew that you'd never be able to taint my bloodline." he said as he squeezed tighter. You coughed and wheezed and put your left hand on his arm in a vain attempt to pull his arm off when he saw your finger and he laughed again. "An engagement ring? Oh what a slippery slope Castiel went down. Here let me see if it fits properly." he said before grabbing your finger.

"N-N-No." you gasped out but a second later Chuck moved it to the side and you screamed as soon as he snapped it.

"Oh yeah it's on there." he said with a smirk.

"Get away from my mother!" came Jack's voice and a second later you were as far away from Chuck as possible. You laid on the ground gasping while Chuck stared up at him in shock. Jack's eyes were glowing gold and he had his hand up, you could see the air shifting around it and you watched on in astonishment.

"Now Jack. Let's talk about this." Chuck said as he staggered to his feet.

"No." Jack replied before using his powers to push Chuck back down.

"Wait. Jack. Please just wait." Chuck begged him.

"Really? Begging just like all of the innocent lives you've heard that you ignored? What about all of my aunts and uncles who called out to you?" Jack asked as he pushed him down again. Chuck let out a groan and you felt sorry, not for him but for Amara who had to endure this too. "What about your sister? I could hear her screaming and begging you to stop. What about her?" he asked again as he got closer.

"I know. I know. I should have listened and I didn't and I'm sorry." Chuck said with a sob.

"It's too late. If there's one thing everyone can agree on it's that you're not fit to be God anymore. You're barely fit to be a human but it'll have to do." Jack said as he bent down towards Chuck.

"What?" Chuck asked before Jack grabbed his head and sucked all of his powers along with Amara away. After what felt like forever Jack let go and Chuck fell backwards onto the ground, for a second you thought that Jack had killed him before you saw his chest moving up and down and you realized that you could hear quiet sobs coming from him. "No, no, no, no, no. This can't be how it ends. It can't be." he sobbed. You got up and hobbled over to where the book had been hidden away and picked it up before walking over to Chuck who was still sobbing.

"Want to see how you die?" you asked and he stared up at you in horror. He must have assumed that you'd use the book to crush his head but instead you threw it down beside him and he slowly turned and opened it up to see a blank page.

"What is this?" he asked looking at the binding.

"It's your book Chuck" you said as he started to quickly flip the pages "It's all written there. From the time you came to be until the day you die. And you will die now. I don't know how. I don't know why. I don't even know when. Only Death can tell you and she's more tight lipped than Billie ever was." you said with a smile. Chuck stopped trying to find something and he slowly looked up at you.

"So what? You kill me now?" he asked and you just shook your head.

"No. I let them deal with you." you said as you pointed behind him. Chuck turned to see Michael and Lucifer walking towards him.

"What? But how?" he asked, turning back to you.

"Oh apparently Michael and Lucifer came to an understanding. They don't kill each other and they help Jack power up enough to take you on. To bad Gabriel isn't here. I bet he'd love to see you get your just desserts. Because that's what you're going to get Chuck. You're going to get everything that you've ever deserved." you said. All six of the men around you shuddered in fear at the tone you had taken.

"Wait. How did they help Jack?" he asked as Lucifer started to walk towards him.

"You do know that Michael, Lucifer and Raphael can all make clones too right? All they had to do was create clones with enough grace to help power Jack up. The rest came from the life still here on Earth and the energy that you used while you were beating the holy hell out of Sam, Dean and I." you told him as Lucifer put a hand on his shoulder.

"Time to go. Dad." he said with a smirk before the two of them disappeared. A snap was heard and you realized a second later that you no longer hurt like hell, you looked down at your body to see all of the cuts and bruises and the broken finger were healed. You turned to Jack who had a smile on his face.

"Figured I'd heal you guys before I do this." Jack said and he walked over to Michael. "Thanks for your help Uncle Michael. Now to do what I promised." he said as he put a hand on Michael's head. You watched as the same light that had been taken from Chuck left Jack and went into Michael. The transfer lasted about as long before eventually the light died down and Michael was standing there with his eyes closed.

"What just happened?" you asked.

"Oh I took Chuck's powers away from him and I gave them to Michael." Jack explained.

"Wait. So Michael's God now?" you asked and you looked over to see Michael open his eyes, one side was the familiar blue glow of an angel/archangel while the other was pitch black.

"Back to perfect harmony as it should have been." Michael said with a smile. You let out a soft huh before crossing your arms.

"So new God. What's first on the agenda?" you asked.

"First? I'm going to bring back everyone that my father killed." he said and you watched as a pure white light emitted from him. After a few minutes it went away and you saw two people standing there, one you recognized as Adam but the other one you didn't. They had short brown hair, blue-brown eyes, were about an inch or so shorter than Dean and their skin was slightly tanned. Adam turned and looked at the man beside him in confusion for a second.

"Michael?" he asked and when the man nodded his head yes Adam let out a cry of joy and wrapped his arms around him. You felt a pain in your chest as they embraced, you had hoped that he would bring back more than just the people that had disappeared but that didn't seem to be the case.

"Next. I'm going to find the souls that escaped hell that were put there wrongly and finally take them to heaven where they belong. After that I'm going to get to work on fixing heaven. I was wrong in the way I wanted to do it last time. I've learned some things from Adam and I want to go back and fix it and make it right again. Make it the heaven I remember." Michael said.

"What about Adam? He can't go up there with you can he?" you asked. Adam stopped and turned towards Michael.

"Can I go up?" he asked but Michael shook his head.

"No. Not for long anyway. I'll take him home and I'll make a portal that way I can come and go as I please." Michael informed all of you.

"So. what happens to your dad then?" Sam asked.

"My father is going to be dealt with. Don't you worry. Well I'd hate to cut this short but I have so much more to get to and I'm sure Adam would like to go home and rest now." he said before gently taking Adam's arm.

"Uh yeah." he said before waving to all of you. The two of them disappeared and you, Sam, Dean, and Jack were left alone once again.

"So." Jack began not knowing what to say.

"So we uh." you stopped too. You were clueless as to where to go from here.

"I guess we just keep living our lives then." Sam said as he rubbed the back of his neck. Suddenly his phone rang and he pulled it out and you could see the joy on his face. He turned the screen to the four of you and you saw Eileen's name as clear as day on the screen. He quickly answered it before walking away to talk to her in private.

'Must be nice to get the one you love back.' you thought bitterly.

"Welp. I'm starving. What do the two of you say to going and getting something to eat when lover boy's done?" Dean asked and you laughed.

"Yeah food does sound really good about now." you agreed. Jack walked over and grabbed Chuck's book and threw it into the trunk of the impala before the three of you turned towards Sam.

"Hey Romeo! Let's go, we're all hungry! We're going to get food!" Dean yelled out to him. Sam flinched and turned to look at all of you before getting back on the phone saying something to Eileen and then hanging up. He jogged to the car and got in just as Dean started it up and you and Jack were getting in the back.

"Well here's to the rest of our lives." you said as Dean put the car in drive and headed back into town.

[profoundchaoscomputer]

As time goes on

Summary:

“I will say this: I’m happy to be here with Jack. With you. And I love you. I love you both.”

This is a short fic Kate(@rathxritter) and me, Trev(@profoundchaoscomputer) wrote for the Destiel Partner Project (@destiel-partner-project). Thank you so much for this opportunity!

Kate, you were an awesome partner, all of our ideas complimented each other so well that that adding stuff and editing from you or me was always a delight, thank you so much!--Trev

Fic under the cut, alternatively you can also read it here https://archiveofourown.org/works/30576530

As time goes on

Late November. Knotty and naked branches tower themselves against the sky, dark outlines in the afternoon sun. The ground is covered in leaves and the grass is barely visible like winks of a long gone summer, spotted amidst the sea of warmer colors - yellow, orange, red and rich browns seem to make the universe that time of the year. It's a breathtaking and ordinary scenery, autumn always is. Everyday beauty is often taken for granted, but for Cas it will always be a new miracle. The sidewalk, on the other hand, is mostly clear, yet there are some areas of it where the leaves remain untouched, rotting away as they are being walked on, cracking under people's shoes as their heels click on the pavement.

Sometimes Cas thinks he is like those yellow checkered rooting away leaves.

...Once had he basked on the glory of a foolish leaf, proud stagnant, evergreen, timeless, aimless, clutching blindly to the tree, rain, wind, snow, only knowing of heaven above, but never about the dirt of the ground...to be still is to be alive?

Only after he fell, he understood, to fall is to become alive, it hurts, unthetered, weightful death sentence, to decide to root away.

And it took too much time to realize, but isn't all life beautiful because it's so ephemeral? so the past is treasured, today is a miracle, and tomorrow is a gift: to become a golden leaf and covered in spots, proof of every breath, copper, orange, red. The leaves fall and Cas falls, wrinkles and lines, aching muscles and tender joints, alone at times, but now trying something, with Dean, Jack, a family found along the way. Dancing along the wind, against tempest and arid times, getting muddy and dirtied, alive, along warm gusts and gentle times, and becoming crumpled leafs, laughing and crying at the mercy of time.

So times moves and flows away and now is a worthy day to note, It's a sunny day, as warm as the later autumn afternoon allows, and the, otherwise clear blue sky, is studded with some solitary clouds - dirty white that verges on grey, they look as if someone painted them on a canvas using the finest watercolours and the most exquisite brushwork. 

It's a sunny day and the air smells of rotten apples, oozing resin, and frost. It's the smell of death and destruction, of glimmering hope. A welcoming smell, the smell of life, so lulling and comforting, that fills people's nostrils as they go on with their day. The smell of home, an active reminder that life is to be treasured.

"How does the story end?" asks Jack as he hands Cas a paper bag, the bookshop's logo printed on it with bright red letters.  

"How do you want it to end?" Cas asks, smiling.

He knows the stories that Dean tells Jack, the ones he half reads and ends up making as he goes, stuffing in his own share for who knows what reasons. The thing is they both laugh and the red hooded girl surely doesn't have a shapeshifter, last time he checked. Overheard some of them while passing through the small living room in order to get outside and speak on the phone with Sam. 

It's their thing and he tries not to cross lines and wriggle in - Dean tells stories and does all the voices, Jack laughs, Dean laughs: a complete picture that doesn't quite need him there, an intimate bubble of two as he has his own with Dean and another one with Jack too and its Dean's "job" to put Jack to sleep. So he doesn't ask, Dean doesn't speak about it. It's healthy for Jack to grow different relationships with them on their own.

 Still, he does know about them and listens more often than he would care to admit, from behind the door, feeling like a stranger in his own house.

 About the ordinary tales of overcoming evil and suddenly there are Vampires and Djins and it's always about not giving up no matter how scared and angry one may feel. It's about children being allowed to be children even in a world of danger and Dean's voice oozing vulnerability as well as hurt. 

There were times he had considered taking his hand only to step away before he could be seen, Dean has allowed himself to be this vulnerable in front of Jack as his own kin. He couldn't mess up this trust and growth with selfishness.

Jack looks down distractedly and kicks some leaves, causing them to rustle, crack and scatter. Soon enough found a clump of leaves and decided it was good enough to swim on them. It's the contrast that makes Cas think and stop a bit, Jack so joyful on a blanket of cracked corpses, life playing with death, handfuls of leaves on Jack's hands, a handful of ashes, ashes to ashes, a pool of dead yet life stills blooms so beautifully and hopeful, death and creation, hand by hand, as time goes by. 

"I don't know," says Jack as he picks up an acorn from the mess he just made and studies it attentively before stuffing it into the pocket of his Jacket. Lately, they've been the hiding place of all sorts of hidden treasures - acorns, buttons, funny looking rocks, and empty shells - later taken out and displayed on the shelves in his bedroom, right next to his Paddington books and carved animal statuettes.

He laughs, "Dean always puts a lot of death in them."

"Does he?" asks Cas.

"Sometimes they are all alone. I don't mind, they make me want to live!" he says, his chirpy laughter echoing through the air, soon followed by thunderous stomping: Wellington boots, yellow with a bee pattern printed on them, splashing water from a puddle on the grass.

Castiel sighs and carefully sits down on the battered bench in the small park. Its wood is ruined and the paint is peeling off and soft moss is thriving in those places where the material never quite manages to completely dry off. A wet bench, but still appreciates it with a crack of back bones.

"Well," he says, holding back a grimace of pain. "I think you and Dean may both be right when you say that it's about feeling alive."

Jack nods solemnly in agreement. "And what about the children? They climb trees and drink lemonade, but what happens after that."

"They do everything their own way and they are good at that."

"Dean can do it better." Jack puffs loudly.

"Then you should ask him as soon as he comes back." Cas smiles.

"I think I will. Can I give you something?" asks Jack.

"Yes, of course."

"I'll get it soon," he says and walks away, running around through the leaves, freely, squealing in delight.

A knot forms at the back of Cas's throat as he watches his son play in the autumn scenery. Life and death keeping each other company, effortlessly interconnected in an endless cycle. So loud the sound of his youth, Jack waranders off, bubbling with raw energy, entropic in a contagious way that Cas can't help but melt a bit on this warm brightness and he laughs too. Bittersweet, yeah, that's life for you. Something hopeful, the sound of a child's laughter and his fatherly love, brightening everything  - precious and blossoming, always, amidst death and horror preventing the future from turning into ashes and mingling as equal with the past.

"This is for you," says Jack, out of breath, proud, stretching out his arm and handing Castiel a yellow leaf with green edges. "You can press it and frame it like they showed me in school."

"Thank you, Jack. This is... lovely. This is lovely, I like it." He smiles softly, fondness washing over him.

He looks at the gift, studying it as he turns it around, and wonders how much Jack knows about his own state. Does he know he chose to be a rooting away leaf too?

Cas fell, a long time ago, changing so completely, that his former self is nothing but a distant memory. Now Cas can look at the situation with more clarity of judgement, as he clearly lacked for more time than he could care to admit: in falling, he became alive and while it hurt and had at some point felt like a death sentence, life was, is, and will be beautiful with its alternating ups and downs.

 But again, being alive is always too much, so stuffed with messy feelings, whirling fiery tempest, it becomes crowded, on edge, flammable as well as vulnerable, scalding in a slow simmering way, such that he would call worse than falling.

 Meeting for the first time fear in a not immediate war or easily numbing adrenaline to survive, and thus being laid bare to see himself in the mirror and being bombarded with all the truths he didn't want to hear, scared of being alone, despite having Jack, Dean, and everyone else too; afraid of this too good looking second chance usually so monomaniacally forbidden and his guilt biting so hard he feels like choking on every breath, whispering his worst thoughts, over and over like broken record, all his faults, all his "greater good" soaking his hands in blood, what is to deserve when one has betrayed, what is a right when one has killed and done the unspeakable, what is to have freedom when each breath tastes of regret, what is peace when silence draws despair. On top of it now powerless, his own human body with the aching joints and cold bones… being at the mercy of time rather than being above it.

Because time now moves and flies away, slipping through his finger. Ticked away by clocks. Irrevocable hours leaden circles travelling through the air and ultimately dissolving. 

Blinding shrieks of fear and self consciousness slowly started to become a hum and then days turn into weeks and weeks into months, one season following the other and the world changing, subtly at first, adjusting to the rising and dropping temperature and the inclement weather. Too hot and then too cold, and the months of adjustment in between for a couple of weeks with perfect temperatures and no sudden changes. Soon, it will be winter once more: the first frost has already started to beautify the windows, leaving white and translucent intricate patterns on glass, and the weather is changing - rain and strong winds as announced by the weather forecast daily after the six o’clock news.

Some of it, he'll never get back. Those sorry months and years he'd relive by reentering the moment and changing it radically from within by doing everything right are long out of question and he wouldn't risk fate and destiny to make a miracle again to break from Chuck's narrative. This time, he'd do everything right by being less prideful and avoid arguments to grow bigger and bigger until the smallest of things, enlarged in disproportion, left nothing but annoyance and anger in their wake - arguments breaking like thunder, rumbling, filling the air and making it unbearable to stand there and wonder, even for just a moment, whether love may not remain buried one day, out of reach.

The first year had been the most difficult: they had discovered at their own expense that love declarations and dreams of a speckless wonderful future were hardly enough and never actually helped in making things easier. Nothing would ever be enough. One simple truth then, which they had learned the hard way: happy endings did not exist, only endings, and even those were neutral and subject to change. No happy ever afters that tied up all ends at the last page, no sweetly dull every day epilogue. Life simply kept going, as ugly as it was before, as beautiful as it was before. They kept being the same people they were before, with all their faults and virtues, all their nightmares and dreams. Defeating the "biggest bad of the book" did not erase all of their inner troubles, maybe one or two, yes, but how many more were inside of each of them?

Dean's fear of abandonment and Cas' own desperate need to be useful had proven to be the most explosive and dangerous mix. And thing is, they couldn't forgive each other, not a particular one big reason, just too many piled up and carried over the years and while they could forget and move on, deep in their heart they couldt forgive, not really, and the topics they so desperately tried to ignore stood in their way, holding them back.

So twelve months of Castiel repeatedly leaving, he needed to hunt, to be useful, got himself head first into the line of fire so to see that his hands, while bloody, still saved lifes; sound of gunshot to shush his mind out of the accusing mirror, a warrior will always be a warrior and he had been a commander of garrisons, and so he went out and jumped from hunt to hunt with all kinds of hunter strangers until exhaustion could give him a good night sleep, weeks upon weeks  and Dean's accusations following him out of the door, you'll always abandon me.

So twelve months of Dean drinking, as Cas's remarks no doubt rung in his ears, you're slowly becoming like your father. Dean didn't know what to do with his life, depression weighing him down so hard there were only some days he could get himself out of bed, tearing at the seams without a fight to pull himself together and so he drank, Cas's words ringing into his head like poison along the bitter aftertaste of a finished bottle.

 Neither of them should have said those things although he couldn't find the strength to do anything but hold his refusal to stand on Jack's side against Dean. Dean should have asked him to stay, he should have made it clear that there was no need to be useful in order to stick around. A vicious cycle, separating them more and more, and not quite a trial - had it been one, there wouldn't have been one person who wasn’t guilty.

The second year had no room for openings, just anger as they moved like in a quagmire, the snappiness of the first year replaced with inertia. Dean threw himself into work, dirt on his jeans. Cas went to the bunker with Jack and a duffle bag stuffed with their belongings. The bunker had become some sort of hunter's sanctuary and he enjoyed the work. They did talk, but simply not enough, and refused to show themselves vulnerable - no mutual consolation, no touching, and the frail assumption that they were still on each other’s side crumbling in front of them and leaving them dismayed.

After two and a half years, on a ghastly hot summer evening, Dean leapt for the first time, really, showing nothing but fearfulness and saying, as he looked at Castiel stripping in front of him, were you going to tell me that you almost died or… It had been an accusation, the tone used made it clear, the half healing wound still patched on Cas's side inbeetwen them and their heavy silence, but there had been something else too - genuine worry and affection. They had shared a bullet of a look. Then they had kissed, desperately, hungrily, and had sex - consuming their relationship: They understood it and enjoyed it, but were still out of their depths when it came to the rest: awkwardness settling as soon as they were back in their clothes. He and Jack had left the following morning and the rest of the year had been spent abroad working on helping the international community of hunters to create a network bound to help supernatural creatures rather than killing them.

It had been the year of endless night and unsparing insomnia, wondering how to rebuild a relationship when you were also mourning one? Different versions of themselves are forever lost in time, the angel and the soldier boy, the runaway and the righteous man, the falling and the protagonist. He had spent so much time looking for something, a warning sign that they had somehow ended that loop of misery, to face the present and stop grieving the past, sorrow and unhappiness that he hadn’t actively recognized the beginning of it all, only widening the gap further. Polished surfaces and volcanoes inside - a mess of feelings, a mess of thoughts, and no way to escape them and make sense of it all. They had been prisoners of their own fears and their history had stood between them. They had spent the end of the year, retreating: each question met either by silence or elusive answers that ultimately meant nothing. It had been fake and lacked depth, the peace they tried to build when both lacked courage: they had built up a facade and spent their time together pretending that they could start from scratch. They couldn’t. He was still angry at Dean, Dean waa still angry for a multitude of reasons Cas didn't even want to know, and still for what happened with Jack, Cas didn’t dare breathe a word. And every word that wasn't about the truth, it was another shovel to bury the thing that was between them.

At the end of the third year, they had come back and they had stayed at the bunker for two whole weeks rather than a couple of days.

He had spent some ten months trying to find the right words to tell Dean that he was considering hunting less and less - wounds healed too slowly and he wasn't getting any younger. He had tentatively enquired about Dean only to find out that Dean was doing better - therapy and AA meetings and the Impala had been sold to some teenage girls. They had met, Castiel had asked about Dean’s new lodgings, Dean told him. Dinner. Breakfast. Lunch. Dinner. On and on like starting from scratch. Things settled, slowly, by falling into place and one night Dean asked him to sleep in his room rather than on the sofa and they talked, opened their hearts, raw and exposed, the darkness making it less awkward and easier: like talking to the idea of a person, depersonalization at its best, a space that had welcomed them and liked them as much as they liked it. Hours passed and in the morning things were different - calmer, easier. They had no more tears left to cry and no more apologies to make.

It seems almost impossible now, four years on, to remember life as it was in all its tiniest details - the bigger picture there, but lacking the intrigue and the excitement there might have been on different occasions. It’s no longer bloody and vengeful, an endless and vicious cycle where violence only led to more violence, spiralling out of control and slipping away, out of fingers, no way out. The feeling of it is familiar yet new, something that he had a long time ago, perhaps briefly, a fading memory that never existed, to begin with, secluded to the realm of dreams and conditionals. Something missing, always and unconsciously so, the feeling of longing always blooming in his chest: for something. Pointing his finger and putting a name to it is easier now as things slowly begin to come into shape.

Castiel closes his eyes, tilting his head back, chin held up high. The sun is warm on his skin, shining in through the naked branches, but his cheeks are reddened by the cold. Wrapped in his winter coat already, all buttoned up and one hand stuffed in his pockets. The sunbeams look golden and create dancing shadows on the ground, and he just stays there, still and motionless, and at peace, as he listens to Jack play in front of him.

Somewhere, through open windows, a song plays faintly though he may just be imagining it, lyrics echoing in his mind for days on end. Come and take my whole life, you are everything I want. You are everything… Mulling over them and wondering, impossible to stop, rolling and rapid. It’s peacefulness as if he spent an entire afternoon crying while sitting on a chair, though he can’t really claim to be an expert on the subject. It’s contentment and residual happiness that sometimes mixes with annoyance and anger, arguments breaking out like thunder, rumbling. Yet, still, love and happiness at simply existing, being alive, being human. The fullest and most satisfying existence, feeling things, and waking up in the morning with the sun shining in through the window, filtering through the curtains and painting the room gold as dust dances in the air in a mesmerizing pattern. Next to Dean too, a couple of moments in amicable silence before the day begins - lying there, mouth filled with the metallic taste of sleep, lazily and whispering, good morning. Time for healing.

When he opens his eyes again, the air is luminous, like St. James’ Street on a summer morning right after a decent drizzle. The light reflects on every surface and makes the air appear bright and filled with light, the edges of reality seem softened and the appearance is almost dreamlike. From down the street, Dean walking towards them holding the bags with the shopping.

“Look at who’s coming,” he says, catching Jack’s attention.

“Dean!” squeals Jack, delighted, as he runs towards him.

“Cas. No need to get up, just make us some space, will you?” Dean replies as he puts the shopping bags down, leaning them against the bench's legs. Then, before taking Jack into his arms, holding him close, he kisses Castiel’s cheek and adds, “Jack, buddy, I’ve missed you too. I’ve got something for the two of you.”

“What’s that?”

“Wait,” He stretches his arm out. “Here you go. First tangerine of the year, not too expensive. Hell, thought we deserve some after everything we went through.”

“I want a segment!” Yells Jack. Jack grabs for the piece of fruit in Dean’s hand, looking at it with fascination and entertainment at the uneven sphere of the citrus, before handing it over to Cas.

“Thank you.”

As soon as Cas starts peeling the citrus fruit, the smell fills the air. He always liked the smell of it - upbeat and cheerful, penetrating and warm. Reminiscing of cedarwood and lavender, clove too. Christmas-y. One of the happiest and most irrelevant things, easily going unnoticed, every gesture is done dismissively, instinctively and without paying too much attention. Fingertips digging into the exocarp, passing through the albedo, and removing the peel altogether - one piece at a time. Dean’s eyes are on him, he feels it, sees it with a sideways glance, studying his every move, as Jack wriggles and gurgles, impatiently waiting for his segment.

“What?” asks Cas without turning around.

“Nothing,” Dean replies as he accepts a segment just as Jack stuffs his into his mouth. “Jack, you’re making a mess of yourself. - a pause, again to Cas - I mean, this… all of it. - Dean looks at the autumn scenery, gestures widely, to the leaves and the threes, Jack, the clear sky, Cas, dazed but in a good way - I don’t know. I like it. Hell, I love it.”

“Selcouth.”

“What?”

“The word you’re looking for, I think. Rare and extraordinary.”

He’d add ‘unexpected’ to the list too, but that one to himself. It’s one thing to say that one wouldn’t be happy anywhere else with anyone else, another thing to make it work. Admittedly it took some time, irrelevant weeks after twelve years of tentatively tip-toeing around the other - this far and no further, deferring and agreeing, evading and never thinking about it, not really, not after the first couple of years. They seem to have the grasp on the ongoing juggling of the time at their disposal and days are uneventful, repetitive: he works, Dean goes to therapy and cares about the house, they play with Jack.

Twice a week Dean attends AA meetings and evenings are spent trying to make Jack sleep without having to read ten different bedtime stories and doing all the voices. And time passes, seasons change. A whole year, he sometimes reminds himself. Unbelievable. Selcouth.

And Cas examines amused these little white threads of tangerine he tears from his own segment, frail as the heart, wonder and fear, with care, like life, weaving silly braids for the sake of it, fingers clumsy, vines lacing fingers, each feels like a promise, for you, for me, feeble yet together so strong, sometimes they break, frustrated, yet not giving up, sometimes we manage a fine work, proud of a miracle yet so natural, a string of hope, a string to life, life is a tangerine and we are leaves along the wind.

Maybe he should marry Dean - Cas distractedly thinks, to which he can't help but feel the corner of his lips pulling.

“What?”

“You’re in a good mood,” says Dean. 

“Could say the same thing about you.”

“Oh, look at you,” says Dean looking away, retrieving a clean handkerchief from the pocket of his Jacket and wiping Jack’s face clean.

“I need you to be honest with me, Cas.”

“I am honest with you, Dean.”

“I don’t wanna lose you. I don’t want you to die out there.”

“I’m not going to die out there, not violently.” Castiel nods and smiles fondly, affection and tenderness washing over him in waves. It's a warm silence, a promise, the sun is out and about today. Dean looks at him like the only thing in this world and leans in for a kiss, making him feel as if he swallowed a box of fireworks instead, and this time the kiss has a citric aftertaste. Shooting stars on a summer night, dropping like a thousand suns, speckled fireworks, sunny galaxy to cup in his hands, warm and ticklish, rumble laughter and stubble, soft and rough, sweet and bitter, bliss and life, so alive, for a moment Cas is again grateful of falling: so beautiful, so much like Dean.

“I will say this: I’m happy to be here with Jack. With you. And I love you. I love you both.”

[shadowywerewolfqueen]

Carry On

Here’s my nearly 10k fix it fic for Episode 18 Despair. Dean and Cas deserve a happy ending dang it! If you prefer, you can also read on AO3. 

Tears were flowing down Cas’ face as he attempted a smile and said, “You changed me Dean.”

Dean could hardly process what Cas was saying. Billie was beating down the door and any second she would break through and kill them. Cas was just now telling him about a crazy deal he made with the Empty while also saying Dean was a selfless person and had changed him in the last decade they had known each other. The only thing he could think to say was, “Why does this sound like a goodbye?”

Cas tilted his head slightly. “Because it is.” There was a brief pause before he said, “I love you.”

Dean blinked and clinched his jaw. There was no way Cas could tell him something so monumental at a time like this. They were staring Death in the face and Cas was telling him goodbye. He couldn’t tell Dean he loved him when Dean was holding on by a thread. Dean shook his head as he softly said, “Don’t do this, Cas.” “Please, not now, not when I’m about to lose you,” Dean thought.

Dean turned his head sharply when he heard a wet, sticky sound behind him. An inky black hole was forming in the wall. Dean could feel the tears building in his eyes as he watched the slimy tentacles starting to take form. He turned back to the angel, a thousand words on the tip of his lips. “Cas,” he gasped out.

Cas’ eyes were glistening blue as he reached out and laid his palm on Dean’s shoulder. “Goodbye Dean,” he said, his voice thick and full of emotion.

Dean’s eyes went wide. “What?” he asked as Cas shoved him out of the way and he fell to the floor. Dean rolled back against the wall as he stared at Cas. The angel flashed him one last watery smile before facing the Empty. Dean watched as Cas stood tall, a smile on his face as if he was embracing the cosmic entity coming for him. Black tendrils wrapped around Cas’ shoulders and waist before spreading over his whole body. Dean caught one last glimpse of Cas’ face before he was covered entirely in inky blackness and sucked towards the hole in the wall. In less than ten seconds, Cas was gone and Dean was alone.

Dean looked towards the empty spot where Cas had been standing only moments ago. He gasped out a breath, trying to wrap his mind around what just happened. The angel who pulled him from Hell, the one who had been by his side for ten years, his best friend, the person he was in love with was gone. Once again, Cas had sacrificed himself for Dean.

Dean suddenly felt his phone vibrating. He pulled it out to see Sam calling, but he didn’t pick it up. He couldn’t because he had no words to say. He was alone and he was empty. He dropped the phone before letting his head rest against the wall behind him. He brought his hands up and scrubbed them over his face and through his hair as a sob escaped him.

The first sob broke the dam as Dean’s entire body was wracked with painful spasms as he felt his heart shatter in his chest. His entire life, he had tried to do the right thing. He had done his best to take care of Sam and protect him. He had tried to protect his mom and Bobby and Charlie and Jack and Jody and Donna and the whole damn world! He had never asked for anything in return, never wanted it. He knew he didn’t deserve it because as many good things as he had done, he had done twice as many bad. He had failed Sam, causing his brother to be killed, to be sent to the Cage, to become souless, to be taken over by an angel. It wasn’t just Sam Dean had failed, it was every person Dean had known. Mary, Bobby, Benny, Charlie, Kevin, Ellen, Jo, Rowena, they had all died either for or because of him. He had always known he was a monster just like the monsters he hunted. His entire life he had been filled with rage and anger, choosing to lash out at those he loved instead of letting them help him. Dean didn’t deserve anything, especially someone’s love.

And yet, a minute ago, Cas had said just that. Cas, a literal angel, had somehow fallen in love with Dean. Dean, who had taught him about free will and family and laughter and joy. But Dean had also gotten Cas killed, possessed, and had kicked him out of the only home he had ever known. For years, Dean had used Cas as his punching bag to take out his anger, frustrations, and fears on. For some reason, Cas always came back like a moth to a flame. Dean wasn’t a flame worth coming back to.

He knew that and that was why he had never admitted his own feelings. How could he? He was destruction incarnate and Cas was pure and shining and so bright it hurt Dean to look at him sometimes. For some reason, Cas had always stuck by Dean’s side from the moment he pulled him from Hell. He had always been the one willing to go with Dean whether it be a simple hunt or a suicide mission. At first Cas had just been another monster on the board but he had quickly moved to ally to friend to best friend to family and finally to the person Dean was in love with. And now, when the world was falling apart and Dean needed something to hold onto more than ever, he was gone.

Of course, Cas was always willing to bleed and sacrifice for the Winchesters, for Dean. In his final moments, instead of accusing Dean for bringing him into this mess in the first place, he had made a declaration. He had told Dean how he was the most loving and selfless person Cas has ever known. It was because of Dean that Cas had cared about Sam and Jack and the world. It was because of Dean that Cas had changed from Heaven’s soldier to Sam and Dean’s family. It was because of Dean that Cas had fallen in love. It was because of Dean that Cas had thought he could never have the hunter.

Dean had never told Cas how much he meant to him. Instead he had always kept Cas at arm’s length, choosing to treat him as just a friend. How could he blame Cas for never saying anything when Dean had always flirted with women any chance he got? When he always got angry and blamed Cas when things went wrong even if it wasn’t Cas’ fault. Even in his dying moments, when Cas had finally admitted his feelings, Dean had stared at him in silence, too overwhelmed to say anything back.

Dean continued to sit against the wall as his thoughts continued to swirl. Billie was dead, but so was Cas. Jack and Sam were alive, but Cas was dead. Chuck was still a threat, but Cas was dead. Dean was alive and in love with the angel, but Cas was dead. And Dean never said anything back.

Dean couldn’t, though. He was backed into a corner, surrounded on all sides by his enemies and hearing Cas’ speech and the thought of losing him all at once had been too much. He had been trying to figure out why Cas was saying goodbye in such a way. He was still trying to comprehend the idea that Cas saw him as anything other than a monster, how could he process the angel’s true feelings in seconds. Dean was never good at emotions, choosing to bottle them up until he lashed out. He had no other idea how to handle the strength at which he felt things.

He had wanted to say something back to Cas, to tell the angel how much he had changed Dean and how much Dean loved him right back, but he couldn’t. All he could do was beg Cas not to say something so huge when they were on the precipice of dying. He had hoped if he didn’t say it back, that maybe it would keep Cas from being taken from him. Because, he had lost Cas so many times before and couldn’t handle the thought of losing him again. But it didn’t matter. Apparently just telling Dean that he loved him was enough. Now, Cas was gone and Dean was alone.

Dean didn’t know how long he sat, wallowing in heartache. All he knew is he suddenly heard his name being called over and over. He didn’t even look up when he heard Sam and Jack’s footsteps echoing in the silence of the room.

“Dean! Dean, what happened?” Sam asked as he came to a stop in front of his brother.

Dean shook his head, unable to say anything.

“Dean,” Sam said hesitantly. “Where’s Billie?”

Dean squeezed his eyes shut even tighter than what they were. He just shook his head, knowing that if he said anything, the few pieces he was holding together would crumble.

“What about Cas? What happened to him?” Sam asked insistently. Dean stayed silent. “Dean, please, what happened? Where is Billie and Cas?”

“THEY’RE GONE!” Dean finally shouted. “BILLIE IS DEAD! And so is Cas,” Dean added, the fight draining from his body. He looked at his brother, tears blurring the outline of Sam’s face. “Cas knew of a way to kill Billie, so the stupid angel sacrificed himself like he always does.”

“No, no. Cas, he can’t be gone,” Jack said disbelievingly, his face crumbling.

Dean looked at Jack and he didn’t know if he wanted to hug him or kill him. “It was because of his deal with the Empty. He used it to bring the Empty so that it- so that it could take Billie as well.” He watched as Jack’s eyes widened in understanding.

“It’s all my fault. Cas is gone because of me,” Jack said, folding in on himself.

Dean wanted to snarl back and say Jack was right. He wanted to punch the kid for allowing Cas to make such a deal. He wanted to wish Jack had never been born and then they wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place. As he watched Jack fall to the ground and tears pour down his face, Dean knew the kid was just a victim as much as the rest. “No, it’s not,” he said, his voice carrying in the silence.

Jack looked at him. “How can you say that? Cas made that deal to-to…”

“To save you. To save his kid,” Dean replied with a nod of his head. He looked at Sam, his brother’s eyes shining with unshed tears. He focused back on Jack. “Look, we’ve all made stupid deals to save the people we love. Sam and I are experts at it and Cas learned from the best. I sold my soul to bring Sam back from the dead. Sam let people suffer to turn me back into a human. Giving himself to the Empty to save you was an easy decision for-for… for Cas. You and Cas are family, Jack, and there isn’t a single Winchester who hasn’t made a stupid deal to save someone they love.” Dean pushed himself to his feet and walked over to Jack. He helped the man to his feet before clutching Jack’s shoulder. “Cas… died to protect you. The least we can do now is make sure that his death means something.” He wiped at his eyes and sniffled one last time. “Chuck is still out there and it’s our job to get rid of him. We’ve got work to do.”

“Dean, what was the deal?” Sam asked.

Jack looked between the two brothers before answering, “The Empty would come for him when he was truly happy.”

Sam swallowed thickly before locking gazes with his brother. “What made Cas?” He started to ask.

“Don’t,” Dean barked. He sighed and straightened his shoulders. He couldn’t talk about Cas’ deal, couldn’t tell Sam and Jack that being in love with Dean brought Cas such joy. If he did, what little bit of his heart was left would shatter and turn into dust. He had to suck it up and bury it because Chuck was still out there, and they had people to save. He took a shuddering breath before saying, “It doesn’t matter. He’s gone. There are people who aren’t. Did you get everybody to the safe house?”

He watched as Sam’s face fell. Sam opened and closed his mouth a few times before dropping his eyes and replying, “It didn’t matter. It wasn’t Billie. It was Chuck, and they’re gone. They’re all gone.”

Dean shook his head in disbelief. “Everybody from the Apocalypse world?”

“No,” Jack said softly.

Dean spun to his head to look at Jack. “What?” Dean asked confusedly.

“It’s not just them. It’s everybody Dean. Donna, Jody, the whole world. I think we’re the only ones left,” Jack explained.

Dean reeled back as if slapped. He grabbed at the single chair to keep from falling to his knees. “No. No, that- that’s impossible. We can’t be.” He looked at Sam, begging his brother to tell him it was some cruel joke. Sam’s refusal to answer was answer enough.

“Sam and I, there was nothing we could do. They just vanished… right in front of our eyes,” Jack described.

Dean gripped the chair so tight his knuckles turned white. He felt something building in him, anger and fury and pain and despair all rolled into one. With a raging snarl, he threw the chair across the room causing Jack and Sam to jump. Without another word, Dean stormed from the room.

He walked straight to the garage where Baby was parked. He grabbed the keys and slid into her front seat. He quickly backed her out of the garage before speeding away from the bunker. He was numb, his mind silent in the aftermath of everything that had happened. It was too much to comprehend, and he knew if he focused on any one thing, he would be overwhelmed.

He drove for minutes until he came to an empty field. He parked Baby and stumbled out of the car. He walked a few feet away before looking up at the sky. “CHUCK! YOU SON OF A BITCH!”

He took multiple deep breaths, trying to keep the tears from falling. “YOU WANT AN ENDING? WELL, I’M RIGHT HERE! I’LL GIVE YOU AN ENDING! COME AND KILL ME LIKE YOU’VE ALWAYS WANTED, BUT BRING EVERYBODY ELSE BACK YOU BASTARD!”

Dean couldn’t hold the tears back any longer as he fell to his knees. He sniffled as the drops rolled down his cheeks. He reached up to wipe them away, his hand dragging across his shoulder. He froze when he felt something wet and cold. He looked at his shoulder and sobbed as he pulled the jacket from his frame and stared at the bloody handprint.

“Please, please, just bring them back. Bring everybody back, including Cas, and you can have me. It’s always been me you’ve wanted so here I am. Just bring them back, bring Cas back,” Dean said softly to the empty field, his voice full of emotion.

“My father isn’t going to be drawn out like that.”

Dean snapped his head up to see Michael standing in front of him. He glared at the celestial being. “What are you doing here?”

Michael smirked. “It seems that you’re losing the fight against my father.”

Dean scoffed. “At this point, I think he’s won. Sam, Jack, and I? What can three powerless humans do against a celestial being such as God? He’s not some Pagan god that can be killed with a stake or some vampire that just needs its head chopped off. He’s the God, the Almighty, the creator of the frigging universe.”

“You’re right on most of those,” Michael said as he moved closer.

Dean tilted his head. “What the hell does that mean?”

Michael grinned. “What happened when you killed Death? The first time?”

Dean looked at Michael like he was crazy. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“Just answer the question.”

“The next reaper that died turned into Death. So, what? You want me to go kill another reaper and have a new Death? I’m not too keen on meeting a new Death right now,” Dean snapped.

Michael huffed. “What about a new Darkness? The universe can’t exist very long without certain cosmic entities. Death, the Empty, God, and the Darkness. When one dies, they must be replaced or else the universe will fall out of balance.”

Dean squinted his eyes. “What are you talking about?”

“God killed his sister. Even he can’t be both light and dark, whether he wants to or not. If Death dies and the next reaper becomes Death, what do you think turns into the next Darkness or even God himself for that matter?” Micahel asked.

Dean shook his head as he started piecing Michael’s riddles together. “You’re saying that Jack is now the Darkness?”

“You’re not as dumb as you look, you know? Yes, my nephew is the new Darkness. You actually have quite the playing card now.”

“So Jack can kill Chuck? If he does, who’s the new God? You?” Dean asked bitterly.

“Would that be so bad?” Michael questioned.

“Oh I don’t know. You were the one trying to wear me around for a meat suit so you could start the Apocalypse which would have destroyed the world. Not too sure if you can handle that much power,” Dean said angrily.

Michael seemed to ponder what the hunter said. “You’re right, I did. But that was before I spent quite a while locked up in the cage. I was once the ruler of Heaven, and I wasn’t that bad at it. I don’t have the same loyalty to my father that I did then.” He paused before adding, “My father needs to die. He has gone too far this time. I think my nephew and I could make a much better world.”

“So, you and Jack kill God and then we kill you so you become God? And how the hell do I know this isn’t going to backfire all over again?” Dean looked at the archangel, barely an ounce of trust in him.

“I’ve never had a need to help you and yet I have. Besides, I know how to bring Castiel back,” Michael replied.

Dean looked at the coat still clutched tightly in his hands, the handprint the only thing he had left of Cas. He clenched his jaw, wanting to just say yes, so they could kill Chuck once and for all. “You have to ask Sam and Jack. This is as much their decision as mine.”

Michael cocked his head slightly. “You have changed. The Dean Winchester I knew years ago wouldn’t have hesitated at making this deal. You’re not that brash anymore it seems.”

Dean dragged a finger over the bloody handprint. “People change I guess.” He forced himself to his feet, clutching the jacket as if it was a lifeline. He started walking back towards his car.

“Where are you going?”

Dean looked over his shoulder. “I’m not leaving my Baby in the middle of some field.”

Michael rolled his eyes. “I will never understand your obsession with this car. Even Adam is fond of it.”

Dean’s lips curved up in a small smile. “Yeah, well, she’s pretty damn special.”

Before he could say anything else, Michael put a finger to his forehead. The next moment they were standing at the map table in the bunker. “The car is in the garage,” Michael said.

“What the hell is he doing here?” Sam barked out.

Dean fell into a seat, still refusing to let go of the jacket. “Michael has something to say.”

Sam and Jack were speechless after hearing Michael’s speech. The archangel looked at his nephew. “We have the chance to stop my father. Together we can undo everything. We can bring everybody back, set the world right.”

Jack looked at Sam who had stiffened at Michael’s words. It was obvious he was thinking about Eileen. He glanced at Dean who was staring at the jacket, his last piece of Cas he had. He focused back on Michael. “Are you sure we can bring everybody back?”

“Every human my father made disappear we can bring back with the snap of our fingers,” Michael confirmed.

Jack tilted his head. “Every human. What about Cas?”

Michael was silent for a moment before replying, “I can’t bring Cas back; the Empty won’t allow me to do so.”

Dean saw red as he lurched to his feet. He dropped the coat on the table and stormed towards the archangel. He had both fists twisted up in his shirt and the angel slammed against the wall as he growled, “YOU SON OF A BITCH! You said you could bring him back!”

Michael clenched his jaw as he stared at the hunter. “I said I know of a way to bring him back.”

“What the hell does that mean?” Dean asked, shoving against the angel even harder.

“It means I can’t bring him back and neither can Jack… but you can. Help me defeat my father, and I will tell you how,” Michael replied.

Dean glared at the man in front of him. Every fiber of his being was shaking with barely contained fury. He wanted to shove an angel blade into Michael’s stomach and see the man squirm. He suddenly released Michael and dropped his fists from the angel’s shirt. He grabbed Cas’ coat and stalked off to his bedroom.

He slammed the door shut before dropping heavily onto the bed. Cas was wrong. There was nothing good about Dean, nothing worth loving. Dean got everybody he loved killed and it had just been proven again. Because of Cas’ love for Dean, it had caused the Empty to take him away. How could he think Dean was caring and selfless when all Dean did was hurt the ones around him? Cas should have just let Billie kill Dean like she wanted to.

Dean felt a tear fall down his cheek as he absentmindedly stroked the coat. “Cas, how could you think you could never have… me? You’ve always had me. I love you, I’ve always loved you.” He jerked when there was a knock on his door.

“Dean,” Sam said as he slowly pushed the door open.

Dean gripped the coat tighter, not even bothering to hide from his brother. Sam took a seat next to him on the bed and laid a hand on his left shoulder. Dean flinched, and Sam dropped his hand.

“I’m sorry,” Sam said softly.

Dean didn’t look up as he asked, “For what?”

“For Cas.”

Dean scoffed. “I’m not the only one that lost him. He was your friend, too, and Jack’s dad. I should be asking how you’re doing.”

“No, Dean, you shouldn’t. You don’t have to take care of us right now or protect us. We’ve all lost people,” Sam said with a shaky breath.

Dean looked at his brother. “How are you doing? After Eileen, I never even asked.”

Sam took in a deep breath and wiped at the corner of his eye. “I’m trying not to think about her because if I do, I can’t do the job. I loved her Dean and if this whole plan doesn’t work… I’m just hoping it does. How are you doing? I know how much Cas meant to you, even if you never said anything.”

Dean had always pushed people away, but he decided that he couldn’t do that any longer. “It was my fault Sammy. I-I was his- his true happiness.”

Sam huffed out a breath. “You don’t think I don’t know that. The two of you have been walking around each other and hiding looks of longing for years.”

Dean clenched his jaw as he stared at the dried up handprint. “He said his true happiness was something he always wanted but couldn’t have. He said he realized that happiness wasn’t in having but in feeling and in saying.” He looked at his brother and said, “Cas said he loved me and I- I… I didn’t get a chance to say it back.”

Sam gasped at the admission. “Wow. Dean, I can’t believe he said that.”

“I know. I don’t really deserve it, do I?” Dean asked, self-deprecating.

“What, no? Of course you do! Dean, you have done so much for this world and for the people you love. You deserve to have someone love you. I found Eileen, so of course you deserve to find someone. Hell, Cas found you a decade ago. Even after everything we’ve all been through, Cas has always been there for you. He’s always loved you Dean, and you deserve that more than any of us,” Sam insisted.

Dean shook his head. “How can you say that? Look at every bad decision I’ve ever made. Look at what my decisions have brought this world.”

Sam gripped Dean’s forearm tightly. “It wasn’t just your decisions. It was yours, mine, Cas’, Jack’s. It’s like you said, Winchesters are infamous for making bad decisions. But those decisions were made out of love Dean. They were made because we were trying to protect each other and the world. Cas made his deal to protect Jack, and he’s gone because he was protecting you. I just can’t believe Cas finally admitted how he felt for you. I wasn’t sure either of you ever would.”

“He’s gone Sam. What do we do? What do I do?” Dean asked with despair.

“We let Jack and Michael save the world and then we get Cas and Eileen and everybody else back. We get the ending we deserve,” Sam replied.

Dean stood to his feet and helped Sam to his before pulling his brother into a tight hug. “Let’s go kill this son of a bitch and get that happy ending.”

Dean put his jacket back on before the two of them walked back to the map table. Michael and Jack looked up as they walked back in. “What’s everybody standing around for? We’ve got God to kill,” Dean said.

“Jack and I were talking, and we think that the best plan is to just go for the kill. No traps and no sneak attacks, we go after my father head on,” Michael explained.

Dean and Sam nodded. “Sounds good. So, where is it all gonna go down?”

“My father is currently at some decrepit barn in the middle of Nevada. Sam and Dean, you need to make your way there. I need to teach Jack a few things about his new powers and there are a few weapons we need to collect. We will meet you there in three days,” Michael said as he looked between the two brothers.

“What barn?” Sam asked.

“One that Dean is quite familiar with,” Michael answered, causing Dean’s face to pale.

Dean’s hand covered the print on his jacket. “Bastard,” he muttered.

Sam looked at his brother, confused. “Dean, what does a barn have to do with anything?”

“It’s where I first met Cas,” he said stoically. “It doesn’t matter. We’ve got work to do. Sam, go pack a bag and meet me in the garage in ten minutes. Jack, Michael, go do what you gotta do. We’ll see you in three days.”

Jack and Michael disappeared with a flap of wings and Sam walked down the hallway to his room. Dean headed back to his bedroom and quickly packed a bag, not really caring what clothes he grabbed. Once he was down, he started walking towards the garage. He stopped when he passed by Cas’ bedroom. He pushed the door open slowly before walking inside.

The room was sparsely decorated, nothing more than a bed, a nightstand, and a dresser. The walls were bare and if Dean didn’t know better, he would say nobody had been inside for years. He sat on the bed and ran his hand down the blanket. He glanced at the nightstand and saw something he recognized. He picked the tape up and smiled, happy that Cas still had the only gift Dean had ever given him. He slipped it in his pocket before pulling the top drawer of the nightstand open, surprised to see a few pictures lying on top.

He pulled them out and looked through them. There was one of Sam, one of Jack, one of Dean, and one of Dean and Cas sitting at the kitchen table. They each held a glass of whiskey in their hand and had bright smiles on their faces. Looking at the picture, it was obvious how Dean and Cas felt about each other. Dean had a soft look in his eyes as he stared at Cas, and Cas was looking at Dean like he hung the moon. Dean pulled his wallet out and slipped the picture inside.

He headed out to meet Sam in the garage. They loaded their stuff up in Baby’s trunk before sliding into the front seat. Dean pulled the tape out of his pocket and pushed it into the tape slot. If Sam noticed what was written on the tape, he didn’t say anything. Dean turned the car on and pulled her out of the garage.

The next three days were spent mostly in silence between the two brothers, both of them consumed by their own thoughts. They were sitting in an abandoned hotel room when Michael and Jack suddenly showed up. Michael dropped a bag on Sam’s bed.

“There are weapons in that bag that will help you in the oncoming battle. They can’t kill my father, but they can wound him. If you can distract him, Jack and I will be able to kill him,” Michael explained.

Sam grabbed the bag and pulled a few weapons from it. There were two knives and two guns. He passed one of each to Dean before asking, “What makes these special? Where did you have them?”

“In Heaven of course. There is no way such weapons would be allowed on Earth. They are far too dangerous,” Michael snapped. He stood against the far wall, his arms crossed over his chest.

Jack took a seat next to Sam. “They are imbued with archangel grace and even a bit of God’s powers himself. I’ve added some strength to them as well. Michael’s been helping me understand and control my powers. He took me to a pocket dimension where time passed differently than it does here. I’ve got a pretty good hang on things now.”

“That’s awesome! Maybe we really can win this,” Sam said enthusiastically.

“Yeah, let’s hope this will all be enough. Even if it is, Chuck’s gonna know about it. We have no element of surprise,” Dean pointed out.

“Actually we do. I made sure to cloak the two of you from my father before we left. He’s not very happy that he hasn’t been able to pinpoint you. Tomorrow we will face him as he is growing more agitated by the moment. If we don’t do something soon, he will end this world before we even have a chance to save it. I hope the two of you are ready. I will be back in the morning.” With that, Michael was gone.

“He’s got wonderful people skills doesn’t he?” Dean asked with a laugh.

“Well, he was locked in the cage for nearly ten years straight Dean. We’re lucky he’s even willing to do this at all,” Sam pointed out.

Dean shrugged and looked at Jack. “Do you trust him? Does he really want Chuck dead?”

Jack nodded. “Yeah, he does. Chuck hurt him too. If it wasn’t for him, I’d have no idea how to handle my powers. I’m more powerful now than when I was just a Nephilim. We have a chance of beating God.”

“Well, if you trust him, then that’s enough for me. I guess we better all get some shut eye. We’ve got God to kill in the morning,” Dean said.

Sam nodded. “Yeah, Dean’s right. Jack, do you still need sleep?”

Jack shook his head. “No. I’ll watch over you guys while you sleep.”

Dean felt a pang in his chest at the kid’s words. He kicked his boots off and slid under the covers as he said, “You don’t have to do that. There’s nobody to protect us from.”

“I know. I just… it’s what Cas always did when we were on a hunt together,” Jack replied, his shoulders slumping.

Sam frowned at his brother. Dean sighed, realizing that Jack was just trying to follow in Cas’ footsteps. “I’m sorry kid. You’re right, Cas would do that. I guess it would be ok if you did too.”

Jack’s face lit up as he smiled. “Thanks Dean. I promise nothing is gonna happen to you guys.”

Dean grinned. “We know, we know.”

Everyone was up early the next morning. Dean and Sam were dressed with the weapons Michael had given them the previous morning hidden somewhere on them. Jack had used his powers to conjure up some food and they were eating silently when Michael showed up.

He surveyed the room, his gaze flicking from Dean to Sam to Jack. “Are you ready?”

Dean shoved the last bite of his burrito in his mouth and then followed with the last of his coffee. He wiped his hands on his jeans before standing up and saying, “Let’s get this over with.”

Michael nodded. “Can we skip the theatrics of you driving up in your car this time with the radio blaring?”

Dean fingered the tape that was now nestled in his jacket pocket. “Yeah, sure.”

With a snap of his fingers, Jack teleported them to just outside the barn that Dean knew like the back of his hand. He stared at the walls, covered in sigils on the outside and the inside. He gripped the tape harder as memories of that night came flooding back.

“Wow, you and Bobby were prepared for everything,” Sam remarked.

Dean thought about Cas busting through the doors and walking towards him and Bobby unfailingly as they continued to shoot at him. He remembered how the shingles had shuttered and the lights had blown, Cas just showing off his power for the hell of it. He remembered how Cas had so easily knocked Bobby out and had pulled the demon blade from his chest as if it were nothing more than a splinter. Dean’s lips curved up in a half smile. “Not even close Sammy. Not even close to being prepared for Cas.”

“Are you prepared now?” Michael asked.

Dean’s fingers itched to wrap around the hilt of the knife that was hidden up his shirt sleeve. “Let’s gank this son of a bitch.”

All three men nodded as Jack held his hand out and blasted the front doors of the barn. They walked through the clearing dust to see Chuck standing in the middle of the barn, a condescending grin on his face. “Well, look who finally showed up. I guess now I know why I lost track of you two flannel clad idiots.” His gaze travelled to Michael. “You were supposed to be the loyal one, and yet, here you are. My own son is working against me.”

Dean felt the archangel tense next to him. “I was loyal to you! For millions of years I tried to do the job you assigned me, but you left Father! You abandoned me to go create other worlds, other versions of me! Even though I was loyal and followed all orders, you favored Lucifer! Any loyalty I had to you is gone.”

“Lucifer always did make things more interesting. You were always so… so boring in your blind faith to me. You were my blunt little instrument just like Dean was. It really is no wonder why he was supposed to be your perfect vessel. Oh well, I let Lucifer die, I’ll have no problem killing you as well,” Chuck said, completely uncaring.

Jack stepped up in front of all of them. His eyes flashed gold as he said, “You will not kill anyone! I won’t allow it any longer.”

Chuck’s face contorted into one of rage. “You! You took my sister’s power from me! The little Nephilim that wasn’t even supposed to exist! You were never in my stories and you’ve been a pain in my ass ever since!”

Jack faltered. “You never wrote me?”

“No, because you were never meant to be here. We were never meant to make the decisions that led to your birth,” Sam said as he stepped up next to Jack. “It was Cas’ decision that brought you into this world. It was my decision to raise you after you were born. It was Dean’s choice not to kill you in that graveyard. We were the ones that Chuck has never been able to control and it was our choices that led to you, not his writing.”

“You know, it wasn’t just Castiel that came off the line with a crack in his chassis. It was all of you! You used to be my favorites, but now you’re just a pain in my ass,” Chuck growled.

“Yeah, well, it’s what we’re good at,” Dean said lowly before pulling the knife from his sleeve and throwing it at Chuck. He watched in satisfaction as the blade lodged itself deep in God’s shoulder.

Chuck’s face contorted as he hollered out in pain. White light burst from the wound as he pulled the blade from his shoulder and let it drop to the ground. “You wanna die Dean, I’ll make sure you die,” he shouted. He snapped his fingers and Dean waited for pain but nothing happened.

“You won't hurt Dean or Sam, not as long as I’m around,” Jack said with pride.

Before Chuck had a chance to recover, Michael was charging forward, a lance held in his hand. Sam pulled his own knife out and threw it, watching as it sunk into Chuck’s stomach. Using the distraction to his advantage, Michael struck at his father with his lance, the blade drawing a long gash across Chuck’s shoulder.

Dean and Sam pulled their guns out and started firing bullet after bullet into the comic entity. With every bullet that buried itself in Chuck’s body, he grew weaker as more light flowed from the wounds. Jack pulled an angel blade from his sleeve and charged forward, swiping at Chuck every chance he got. Chuck suddenly swiped his hand, sending Dean and Sam flying against the walls. He then grabbed Michael by the arm and threw him across the barn and through the walls. He wrapped his hand around Jack’s throat and squeezed.

“I am God! Do you really think you can beat me?” He held his free hand out to the side, Dean and Sam lifting into the air. “I might not be able to kill you two, but I can still hurt you.” He let them drop, the two of them falling nearly twenty feet through the air. They landed with grunts and moans of pain.

“SAM, DEAN,” Jack shouted. He looked at Chuck, his eyes glowing a deep gold. “NO! You will not hurt them or this world any longer!” He shot a bolt of darkness straight into Chuck’s chest.

Chuck dropped Jack, grasping at his chest. “You can’t, if you do, you destroy this world!”

Jack stood to his full height, his shoulders pulled back as he stared at his grandfather. “I’m not like you! I intend to fix this world! I’m a Winchester and we save people and hunt things, that’s the family business. Goodbye Chuck.” He let more smoky bolts shoot from his hands into Chuck’s body until God was consumed by them.

Sam and Dean watched through pain filled eyes as Chuck’s body was enveloped in black smoke. Tendrils of light could be seen twisting and cutting through the smoke, as if trying to escape its clutches. Jack walked up and slid his hand into the darkness and the light slowly entered his fingers and travelled up his hand. Jack’s whole body glowed as he consumed the light until there was nothing left. When he turned to look at Sam and Dean, one eye was black and the other a bright gold.

“He’s gone,” Jack said happily. He rushed over to Sam and Dean, kneeling next to them and reaching out to heal them. They let out relieved gasps as pain was no longer flooding their bodies. Jack helped them to their feet before pulling them into tight hugs. “Chuck is dead,” he announced again.

Dean cupped Jack’s cheek as he stared at his son, pride swirling in the depths of his eyes. “Good job son. You did it.” He pulled Jack in for another hug.

Jack wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist and buried his head in the older man’s chest. “Thanks Dean.” Sam came up behind them and pressed his chest to Jack’s back. The three of them reveled in the moment.

“I hate to break up this bonding moment, but we’re not quite done here. Jack, you know what you have to do,” Michael said from behind them.

The three men broke apart to stare at the archangel. Jack pulled away from the two men and walked up to Michael. “You’re sure this is going to work?” he asked hesitantly.

Michael nodded once. “If it doesn’t, you can just bring me back and we’ll try again.”

Jack took a deep breath before holding both hands up and cupping either side of Michael’s head. Sam and Dean watched as Michael’s eyes and mouth glowed white and he let out a howling scream. The next instant, he dropped to the ground.

They all watched Michael’s body, waiting with bated breath to see what would happen. Without warning, Jack’s body started glowing and then the light began spilling from him into Michael’s prone form. Once the last speck of light had flowed into Michael, he took a deep breath and then struggled to his feet. His eyes flashed blue before settling back to their normal color.

“Well?” Sam asked.

Michael held his hands up and stared at them before looking at the three men. “It worked. I am God now.”

Dean’s face was set in a hard line as he said, “Are you gonna keep your word? Are you gonna bring everybody back?”

Michael held his hand out to Jack who took it. Their eyes flashed colors before they snapped their fingers at the same time. They dropped hands quickly. Jack looked at Sam and Dean with a bright smile. “It’s done! Everyone is back!”

Sam’s phone started ringing and he pulled it out, his jaw dropping. He shakily accepted the call. “Eileen,” he gasped out. Tears sprung to his eyes and a smile spread across his lips. He looked at Dean and nodded his head.

Dean smiled back and then focused his attention on Michael. “Cas.”

“I can pull my brothers and sisters from the Empty to help restore Heaven, but Castiel is not one of them because he’s not dead. The Empty has him locked away where even I can’t reach him. The Empty was angry because Castiel woke him up, and he wanted to get back at my brother for that. Now that he has Castiel, he has fallen back asleep. He might be convinced to give my brother up if his sleep is once again disturbed. I can give you a spell that will allow you to summon the Empty to Earth as many times as you want. You do have a way of pissing people off to get what you want,” Michael said with a smirk. He swiped his hand and a rolled up scroll appeared. He gave it to Dean and then conjured a bag which he also handed over. “There’s enough ingredients in there to summon the Empty at least a dozen times. If you need more, just let me know.”

Dean took the items silently. He looked at the spell and then inside the bag, confirming everything Michael had just told him. He swallowed past the lump in his throat. “Thank you but why? You don’t owe me anything.”

“You helped me get what I wanted. The least I can do is help you get what you want. I know I said we don’t always get what we deserve, but I think this one time we all deserve that chance. Now, I have some things to start taking care of. Goodbye Dean.”

“Goodbye Michael,” Dean said softly as the archangel walked over to Jack.

He watched Sam still talking to Eileen and Michael and Jack were now deep in conversation. Dean gripped the scroll and bag tighter before walking outside the barn. He walked deep into the abandoned corn field. He didn’t stop until the barn could barely be seen over the brown stalks.

He spent the next ten minutes setting up the summoning circle and preparing the ingredients as described. He pulled a knife from the bag and cut his palm, squeezing his hand so that blood dripped onto the circle below. He watched dispassionately as a familiar black ooze appeared in front of him. The ooze bubbled upwards and formed into a familiar figure. Dean stared at the entity before him who was wearing Meg’s face.

Her face twisted into rage as she snarled, “Who are you? Why have you summoned me here? I’m supposed to finally be asleep!”

“Bring Cas back,” Dean demanded.

The Empty’s lip curled up. “NO! No, I will not give you that pesky angel back! We had a deal, and I don’t intend to go back on it.”

“You don’t give him back and I’ll do this all over again,” Dean said.

The Empty’s eyes widened. “You dare threaten me!”

Dean stepped to the edge of the circle. “There is nothing you can do to me inside that circle. So, go ahead, go back to sleep. I’ll just summon you again and again and again until you release Cas. You want sleep, then give me my angel back!”

Meg growled and snarled and kicked at the dirt beneath her feet. “No! No, you can’t do this! I am eons old, and I will not be bested by some human.”

“Bring Cas back,” Dean reiterated.

The Empty said nothing, just disappearing. Dean huffed but pulled out more ingredients and performed the summoning a second time. He watched in satisfaction as the Empty glared at him. “Bring Cas back.”

“You’ll run out of ingredients soon enough,” Meg said before disappearing.

Dean performed the summoning again. “Actually Michael, the new God, said he’ll keep supplying me until the end of time. So, keep disappearing and I’ll keep summoning you. Now, bring Cas back!”

Meg paced the circle like a caged tiger, snapping and snarling every so often. Dean knew he had the entity cornered and he was just waiting for the Empty to realize it as well. He watched with a smirk as the woman in front of him finally spun to face him.

“Fine,” she bit out. “You want your precious angel, you can have him… but on one condition. I’ll give the angel back, but he won’t be an angel any longer. I refuse to be woken up by him ever again.”

Dean paled. “What?”

Meg chuckled darkly. “I’ll give him up, but he’ll be human. And you make the decision, so how badly do you want Castiel back? Are you willing to make such a choice for him? Are you really so afraid of being alone that you would take the one thing from Castiel that makes him special?”

Dean stepped back, his jaw clenching as he swallowed thickly. He dropped his eyes, unable to stare at the being in front of him. He slipped his tongue out to lick his suddenly dry lips.

“I can’t. I can’t take being an angel away from Cas. I won’t make that choice for him. I did it for Sam and look how that backfired. Cas is an angel and I’m just a pathetic human. Even if he’s locked in the Empty, he’s still an angel. I don’t want to be alone; I don’t want to be without Cas, but I won’t take his wings from him. I won’t make one more bad decision and have Cas hate me.” Dean’s thoughts swirled around his head.

Dean started to say something when another voice filtered through his head. “Every choice you did was for love. You are selfless and caring. You love so much. You’re not the monster you see yourself as. I love you.”

“I love you Cas, and I’m gonna make one more decision out of love,” Dean whispered to himself softly. He looked at the Empty. “Bring Cas back.”

Meg laughed. “When he hates you for the pain he’s about to experience, just know it’s all your fault. I have him locked away in darkness, experiencing nothing. You’re about to make him experience torture the likes of which you can never imagine.”

Dean felt his heart stop and was about to say something, but then a shape started forming next to the Empty. He watched with bated breath as the shape took form, and then Cas was standing in front of him.

Cas’ eyes focused on Dean, confusion clouding them. “Dean?” he asked softly.

“Cas,” Dean whispered letting out the breath he had been holding.

“Remember,” Meg said darkly.

Dean watched as Cas let out the most agonizing scream he had ever heard. It pierced his ears and shattered his soul. Dean felt every bone in his body shaking as Cas started writhing, screams still falling from his lips. He watched as Cas’ body contorted in ways a body wasn’t meant to, as Cas started clawing at his arms and face. Dean wanted to reach out, to do something, but he was frozen, a vice like grip on his heart keeping him from moving. Cas fell to his knees, his body rippling in painful spasms and his voice wrecked from all the screams. His back bowed, and Dean watched as bright blue light filled Cas’ eyes and mouth.

Finally, Cas fell to the ground in a heap. The Empty stood over him laughing in glee and Dean’s heart was beating out of his chest. His gaze remained locked on Cas’ prone form as he fell to his knees.

“Well, that was more entertaining that I thought. I think that was better than having the angel caught in my grasp for eternity. Now, will you please leave me the hell alone so I can finally sleep?” the Empty snapped before disappearing.

Dean barely noticed Meg leaving, his eyes still staring at Cas’ trench coat clad form. He had tears rolling down his eyes, but he made no move to wipe them away. He finally dropped his eyes, not having a clue what to say to the man in front of him. He had just caused Cas unimaginable pain and for what? Dean had chosen to let Cas go through something so horrible because he couldn’t imagine living the rest of his life without him.

“Whatever you’re thinking, stop,” Cas said, his voice scratchy and broken.

Dean’s head snapped up to see Cas looking at him. He swallowed around the lump in his throat and he slowly crawled closer to where Cas was. He stopped a foot away. “You don’t know what I’m thinking,” he said, his voice full of tears.

Cas forced himself to sit up, his face twisting as pain surged through his body. “You’re regretting whatever choice you just made to bring me back. I can see the despair in your eyes Dean. You’re blaming yourself for reasons I don’t know.”

Dean huffed out a breath as the tears continued to fall. “You’re not an angel anymore and it’s my fault. All that pain… it was my fault.”

Cas shuffled closer until he could reach out and grab Dean’s trembling hand. He squeezed as he said, “Why did you bring me back?”

Dean took a shaky breath. “Because I can’t be without you. I don’t do well when you’re not here. I need you Cas; I need you.” Dea paused and then held his hand out and cupped Cas’ cheek. “How could you think that what you wanted you couldn’t have? You’ve always had me. I’ve always been yours from the moment you walked through those damn barn doors.” He watched as Cas’ eyes went wide at the confession.

Cas tilted his head and started to speak, but Dean plowed on. “You’ve changed me, and I’ve fought and kicked and screamed the entire time. You’ve made a place in my life and I can’t- I can’t function without you. I know I’ve always blamed you and yelled at you and pushed you away, and I’m so sorry Cas. I’m so damn sorry; I just didn’t know how to handle what I was feeling. I didn’t think I deserved to have those feelings reciprocated, so I pushed them down and I lashed out at you.”

Dean’s voice broke as a sob escaped him. “I’ve never felt like this before, and I was scared and confused. I couldn’t fathom the thought that you would feel the same way. I’m just a screwed up human who’s made tons of bad decisions. I fell in love with you years ago, but why would I ever think that an angel would fall in love with a demon like me? Of course I love you! How could I not? I love you Cas, more than I have words for,” Dean said, his voice dropping to a whisper. Tears were clouding his eyes, and his hands were shaking. His throat hurt from all the tears clogging it, and he clenched his jaw to keep another sob from being ripped from his body.

Dean gasped as Cas pulled him closer to his body, wrapping his arms around Dean’s back and waist. Dean buried his head in the junction between Cas’ neck and shoulder. He flinched when Cas ran a soft hand through his short hair. “You dumbass,” Cas said, tears evident in his own voice.

Dean chuckled. “I prefer idiot. Less dumb, less ass.”

Cas laughed softly. “I’m sorry for not telling you about the deal. I’m sorry for.”

“STOP! You have nothing to apologize for. What’s done is done. Can’t we just put it behind us? Let’s just focus on right here, right now,” Dean said, looking Cas in the eyes.

A soft smile spread across Cas’ face. “I like that idea. I like that idea a lot.”

“So do I,” Dean whispered before leaning forward and pressing his lips to Cas’.

All the pent up feelings rushed into the space where their lips met. Every emotion the two of them had ever felt: anger, sadness, heartbreak, loyalty, betrayal, love, flowed between them. Cas pulled Dean even closer, the hunter going willingly. Their lips pressed and slipped against each other, their hands clutching one another, afraid to let go. Cas kissed as if he was starving and Dean kissed like a man possessed.

When they finally broke apart, both of them were gasping. Hardly an inch separated them and Dean slid his nose against Cas’, enjoying being so close to the man he loved. He cupped the back of Cas’ neck and twirled his fingers in the short black strands as Cas pecked his lips over and over. When Cas took a deep breath, Dean surged forward, slipping his tongue inside the ex-angel’s mouth.

Their noses bumped together as they continued to make out. Their tongues intertwined with each other before breaking apart just to do it all over again. Cas’ hand had come to rest on Dean’s shoulder once more, and he squeezed tightly.

Dean broke the kiss to stare. “I’ve hardly taken this jacket off. I couldn’t bear to part with it. It was the only reminder I had left of you.”

Cas nuzzled against Dean’s nose and cheek. “I promise not to leave you again. I’m home Dean; wherever you are, I’m home. I love you.”

Dean pressed a quick kiss to Cas’ lips. “I’m home too, Cas. You here with me is all I need. I love you.”

A while later they finally stood to their feet and walked hand in hand back to the barn. Jack and Cas shared a long hug and a few quiet words between them. Sam and Cas then hugged one another, Sam happy to have his brother back. They all took one last look at the barn before heading outside. Jack transported all of them back to the motel Dean and Sam were staying at. With a snap of his fingers, Baby’s trunk was loaded with Dean and Sam’s things, along with a bag full of clothes for Cas.

Without a word, Sam and Jack slid into the back seat. Cas slid into the passenger seat and Dean pulled him close, wrapping his arm around Cas’s shoulders and dropping a kiss into his hair. Before they headed back to the bunker, they would be picking up Eileen and stopping by to visit with Jody, Donna, and the girls. They would also check up on all the Apocalypse world hunters along the way.

Dean started the engine and looked in the rearview mirror. Sam and Jack were talking about some crazy piece of lore, and Dean smiled. For the first time in a long time, Sam and Jack were relaxed, not a hint of tension in their bodies. He then looked at the angel who was curled against him.

Cas looked up, his blue eyes shining. “What?”

Dean flashed a smile. “Nothing. Nothing at all. I’m just happy for once. We actually won.”

Cas leaned up and pressed a tender kiss to Dean’s lips. “We did. We got the ending we deserve.”

“Hell yeah we did.” As Dean pulled Baby out the parking lot and onto the highway, he leaned forward and turned on the radio. The car was filled with the sound of classic rock music.

Carry on my wayward son There will be peace when you are done Lay your weary head to rest Don’t you cry no more