#and then at the end of season 1 onwards it just gets into fucking nonsense bullshit

[shoechoe]

When I was a little kid, Scooby Doo: Mystery Incorporated was my favorite incarnation of Scooby Doo. I would watch it over and over. Even as my memory of it faded I always just kind of regarded Mystery Inc. as the best thing from the franchise by far.

I just finished rewatching it today and I am so angry. That was fucking terrible, what the hell?

[charmixpower]

Enchantix was really the ultimate transformation the creator original plan was 3 seasons and 1 movie but since the movie did so well they decided to continue even though they didn't have a clue on how to continue the show.

S4 is so messy because it seems that they couldnt decided what target to aim the original targert of 8 - 12, go more mature because the first generation of fans were teens or aim the little girls whose parents would buy every single doll that they realesed at the end selling dolls won and from s5 onwards they show become more childish.

Roxy must have been scrapped because I remember that when s4 came out she wasn't well acepted by the fandom or at least she didn't become a popular character like Aisha in s2, people complain that seven where to much or that she was to similar to Bloom.

A reboot with new girls must not have worked because most fans like the show because of the characters and not the show itself

~~

Yeah I can definitely agree with this

S1-3 was still nonsense in some places but s4 was a fucking dumpster fire mess that clearly had no fucking clue what it was doing and ripped everyone so ooc that it was painful

That makes sense as to why Roxy wasn't added, tbh I don't like the idea myself for reasons I've already explained. Watching Roxy play catch up or not have to work for Enchantix would be...bad writing

But?? If the fucking PIXIES got their own spin off show idk how Roxy couldn't get one. I love my girl Roxy and she deserves her own little team to do stupid shit with

Idk it just feels weird that the pixies got a spin off and Roxy is woefully denied

S4 is kinda a nightmare because it feels like the first idea they had for a season with no rewrites

Idk why you even need a new member, 6 is already a lot of main characters and Tecna and Flora are pretty ignored. Like?? They clearly struggle with balancing characters! Adding another one would just make this problem worse!! No one knew what they were doing this season and it shows

[due4amiracle]

Day 174

Listo:

Tomorrow: Throw one thing away, read two chapters, dailies, write on longform, one episode of Tanya.

Throw one thing away - Two Big Boxes and A Little Box and some of that stupid ass large bubble shit. Bleh. Really gonna have to bump this up. Multiple multiple boxes, organization, recleaning the kitchen...bleh.

Read two chapters - Alright and we're done with the book. o__o; It's wild how an author can drag you through the mud slow af for the first 3/4 of a book, and then the last 1/4 89457832598435937955 THINGS ARE HAPPENING LIGHTNING FAST BULLET CURTAIN STYLE HOLY SHIT x_x i'm not saying it was /bad/ per se, and i'm not saying i'm not gonna read the second book, but damn. Pacing, my dude. Whew. So, Mustang rescued, oh shit Mustang is actually Jackal's TWIN SISTER what. Oh. And we win the game! And Jackal/Mustang's Daddy, the ArchGovernor guy, is like "Hey i want to adopt you"??? and so adoption happens and the book ends. What. Alright cool. On to The Fifth Season by N. K. Jemisin! =^_^=

Dailies -  Done! Today's rolls: Noelle and a club. Fitting. Sigh. It's ok! There's still time...

Write on longform - 197 wods, plus working on Aria's sheet - considering the longform is kinda about her, ya know, i figure i should probably...finish it. Heh. Still not finished. -_-

One episode of Tanya -  Oh Tanya. Consistently fucking yourself over on a constant basis, good job! *clap clap* Something about this whole situation feels sketch as fuuuuuck... hmm... But oh well! What’s the worst that could go wrong. We’ll see tomorrow~!

Other things -

A LOT of youtube oml. What am i even doing? x_x

The...The kitchen light. It stopped working, for a little while. It just. Stopped. Completely. There wasn't even a ~slight flicker~ just absolutely no response to the light switch. And then, a short while ago, Sir went into the kitchen and reflexively switched the light on, while i was in the bathroom. Nothing happened, obviously. However. He forgot to "turn it off", and came to the bathroom - and as i'm talking to him, finishing up and getting ready to stand

Poof on comes the light.

It needed a nap.

i need about 6 years of sleep. -_- It still needs looked at, ofc, so we're still going to have to bump up our cleaning by A Lot, but... squint it's on right now.

What else.

Might have a car - finally - and i'm having such anxiety over it. It costs more than we wanted to pay, which, granted, we were asking for a LOT (using only 1 check, running in decent condition, won't need immediate money put into it) and... fuck omg. We're sitting at:

- It's burning oil between oil changes (it's an '05, 175k miles on it, this is common apparently in older cars?) ok we'll need to actually do oil changes regularly. - If you leave the radio on when turning off the car, it drains the battery...? Sure ok, awesome. We have the battery charger thingy, and we almost never listen to the radio anyways. Still, wtf? - We have $1.2k left, it's $1.5k. Coolcoolcool, borrowing money. - It's in Big City Next Door (45 mins away), which...great, figure out someone to actually go look at the car, make sure there aren't more pressing issues. Get the deed to us. Get to the courthouse somehow and get it all diddly doodled and w/e w/e. Then get the car to us. (Gramps has got a Good Deeds person who is basically a certified mechanic going out to look at it tomorrow, then we'll do hanky-panky with Paypal and get the money to the person. Then the deed will come to us wednesday, we have to get insurance too, can't forget that part, but, get insurance, get the deed diddly doodled (maybe the bus? yay for 2.5 trips ~20 minutes away...?) and then the car would come to us next wednesday) BLEH SO MUCH WORK!

But... we might finally have a car that we can just. Do things in. That would be great.

We'd get to cancel transportation to our vaccinations, maybe even agree to one of the 'hey you can come in and get your vaccination now if you wanted!' calls, get our blood drawn and all that nonsense, the world would become our fuckin' oyster! And such.

That was about it, though.

Food: A Liquid: A Pain: B- Headache, aches and pains all over, feeling grungy Brain: C Anxiety, paranoia, obsessive overthinking, exhaustion. i wasn’t lying about needing about 6 years of sleep. Bleh.

Tomorrow: Throw one thing away, read two chapters, dailies, write on longform, one episode of Tanya.

Ever Onwards and Upwards ಥ﹏ಥ

[glassvines]

Thoughts on 2020 Favorites

Thoughts on all my favorites from 2020! Sadly, I witnessed what is most likely the demise of one of my favorite hobbies: going to the movies. I hope all my local theaters don’t close up for good this year, and I start going more regularly again in 2021 but. I don’t know if it’s ever going to be the same again. TV Shows 1. Battlestar Galactica (2004) - Getting into this one rather late, but I just discovered I can watch it for free on Peacock haha. Absolutely loving it. Been meaning to finish it ever since I watched the 2003 mini series a few years ago. Stylistically brilliant, and I love that the theological-laden dialogue appears to have a plot-driven point to it. 2. Evil (CBS) - I love this show! Hope it gets another season. It manages to pull off that fine line between silly and creepy most of the time, and all the actors come off as sincere. Also Michael Emerson is there which makes everything even better. Also, also a plus: I'm used to the media portraying Catholics in two different ways: lapsed or bigoted. Muslims? Devout and spiritual or terrorists. It's nice to see a series centered around a devot Catholic, a lapsed Catholic and an ex-Muslim who are all the good guys. Fantastic central characters dynamic. Animation 1. Hilda, season 2 - One of Netflix's best imo. The new season was gorgeous, and even got me to shed a tear at one point. I want to read the comic it's based on. 2. Infinity Train, seasons 2 + 3 - Excellent follow-ups to a great first season. Both were good seasons, but I really enjoyed s2 for Jesse and MT's instant chemistry. 3. Castlevania, season 3 - This show is going to end up breaking my heart but damn if it isn't a really fun watch. Fight scenes continued being top-notch in s3. 4. Bee and Puppycat, season 2 - Yeah, this isn't getting an offical Netflix release until 2022 (what the fuck), but I watched the leaked episodes and enjoyed them a lot. The show feels un-polished and the plot is surrealist nonsense, but those aspects of the show also make it creative and original. I'd like more seasons in the future, but given how disorganized to the point of incompetence the s2 release is, I'm not counting on getting anymore. I don't like seeing the popularity of this show squandered so it's a huge shame. 5. Amphibia, season 2 - Best Disney show airing right now. Characterizations and animation continued being great and I'm looking forward to s3. 6. Wolfwalkers - We all needed a beautiful Cartoon Saloon movie in 2020. It did not disappoint! Hope it has a bluray release soon so I can rewatch it somewhere other than Apple TV+ :/. 7. The Willoughbys - More Kris Pearn directed films please. This movie's character design style was so charming and cute. Loved the Ricky Gervais Cat Narrator. I watched this one with my family after having been separated from them for some time due to the lockdown. It was probably one of the happiest evenings of this year for me. 8. Soul - I enjoyed Onward quite a bit, but Soul hit me in that old-school Pixar feels way. A film about inspiration and finding purpose, so it had a message very similar to Ratatouille. Only Soul ponders on one's worth if they are "not doing what they're meant to do". This movie really knocked that message out of the park.

Video Games 1. Animal Crossing: New Horizons - I played this rather religiously. Definitely kept me from moping during those times when my work hours were cut. 2. Creaks - Amanita Design is offically one of my favorite indie game studios at this point. I adore the atmosphere and music in this game; it's one of the most chill puzzle games I've ever played. 3. Hylics - This game is so bizarre. I've never seen anything like it. Really want to play the sequel.

Films 1. Emma - May officially be my new favorite Emma adaptation. I loved everything about it. The stylized look to the cinematography, the costumes, the music, the actors. Everything. 2. Doctor Sleep - Was surprised at how much I enjoyed this one, as I completely missed it in the theaters. An excellent sequel to a classic, and a well-done good vs. evil story. 3. The Vast of Night - Fun little sci-fi/indie/1950s period piece. I hope streaming services start distributing more films like it. 4. Prospect - My dad recommended this one to me and we watched it together. I was blown away by the dedication to detail; how everything worked in this future setting. Pedro Pascal's character was constantly surprising me too. (Also see: very handsome.)

Podcasts This is only here so I can mention that my favorite new thing was 100% The Magnus Archives. I listened to a lot of new stuff in 2020, but it all paled in comparison to TMA. Good spooky times, great characters and character dynamics, interesting plot direction. The lore is so, so good; I'm impressed with how thorough it is with explaining the seemingly unexplainable, without fully taking away the air of mystery.

Honorable Mentions 1. The Mandalorian, season 2

Things I'm Looking Forward to in 2021 1. Hopefully we'll finally be getting that PacRim series?? 2. The French Dispatch 3. I just want to go the movies again sighhh

Some Creative & General Goals for 2021 I actually managed to do a proper job this year with the journaling and taking more photography! I've started serveral journals, as well as a digital one. So, at least I managed to keep up with one of my creative goals. Managed to have a fairly successful deck garden this year too. My sugar peas didn't die on me haha. Hope to expand on it more this spring/summer. Moving forward this year: 1. Continue to keep up with journaling: drawings, gardening, travel (fingers crossed) and tv/film commentary. 2. Seriously organize my photography this year, as well as post online more often. 3. Help my brother this year with some of his own creative projects! He's always asking for art and I'm usually too busy, but this year I want to get more serious and contribute to his projects. 4. Maybe get back to an old goal of learning how to play the guitar. I want to drop some cash on one this month so I can practice at home.

[celticheartedfangirl]

My OUAT Rewatch -- S4E22 and 23 -- Operation Mongoose, Parts 1 & 2

Link to Rewatch Review and Ranking archive

Bobby looks about as done with this season as I am.  I know Michael Socha was done with it -- literally -- but we’ll get to that later.

This is gonna be long.  So have a seat, pour yourself a drink or seven, and get ready.  I’m not holding back . . . . . . 

First of all, I debated about whether I should review this as one or two episodes.  I decided to go with one, and will do this going forward with any episodes that have the same title and are part 1,2, 8 million, whatever.  Trust me, at times it SEEMED like 8 million.

First thing I want to address is a bunch of fandom wank nonsense that came out of this episode -- namely the idea that RUMPLE wrote the story.  Let me make this perfectly clear:

Rumple DID NOT WRITE THIS STORY.  Isaac did.  Rumple told him what HE, personally, wanted.  Isaac took it from there.  Rumple didn’t write Isaac as a famous douchebag author, and he sure as hell wouldn’t have given fucking ZELENA a wedding in the story, he’d have killed her off in a painful but well-deserved death.  Ditto Hook.  So if you still actually think Rumple wrote this story, my recommendation to you is that you back out of this post now.  And you should probably stay off my blog in general.  Because frankly, I think you are wrong and stupid and we are not compatible in any way.  Got it?

Looking at YOU, some RUMBELLE FANS who actually did this shit:

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/118193570842/i-am-stunned-to-see-some-rumbelle-fans-bitching

Okay, so there’s THAT.  Next . . . 

So this episode was A&E’s attempt at META.  And frankly, they SUCK at it.  It didn’t come off as funny, it came off as making fun of the fans.  No spoilers, ha ha ha .  . . . . . . for those not in the know, back when the show was airing, Adam’s go to answer to fans on Twitter was #nospoilers.  So the whole Isaac so thing was basically a dig at the FANS.  

So there’s THAT.

The entertainment media was shitting all over Rumbelle before the finale, which pissed me off enough to make this post:

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/118484723732/when-and-why-exactly-did-rumbelle-become-the

And this comment:

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/118467157702/ouat-finale-your-burning-relationship-questions

And then there’s THIS:

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/118658755342/omg-ae-dig-the-knife-in-why-dont-you

Yes, in case you weren’t clear, dead is DEAD (we’ll revisit this thought in S5), Neal ain’t coming back, suck on it all of you who don’t like that!  Love, Adam and Eddy.  

Also, in other bullshit news, regarding who taught Henry to sail a ship:

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/118655893997/henry-no-your-father-taught-you-that

And THIS:

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/118660507567/what-the-fuck-they-left-rumple-on-the-floor-but

Revisiting May 2015 me is making current me stabby.  And I haven’t even mentioned the entire town of dumbasses herp-derping around and partying at Granny’s while Rumple is dying and could be a meat suit for the ultimate evil of all evils any second now.  Morons.  

Let’s talk about the stuff I DID enjoy . . . . 

Evil Snow was a riot!  

Bandit!Regina was fantastic.  

And this guy:

Gotta love Knight!Rumple!  

Also, I will admit . . . . . Hook was more useful in useless mode in the AU than he’s ever been in Hook mode outside of the AU.  Does that make sense?  

So there’s all of that.  Overall this 2-part thing was part good stuff, mostly hot mess, and a lot of middle fingers waved to the fans from the writers.  But tally comes later.  NOW is the time to address the Michael Socha issue:

Right about now, dearie.  Will Scarlett is gone.  You will never see him or hear about him again.

(Side note:  Made an error in my last review.  I honestly did not remember AT ALL that we saw Lily again in this episode, both in person form or in dragon form.  Which tells you how much of an impression that made on me.  Anyhoo, my bad.  I goofed.  NOW she’s gone for good.)

So what was the deal with Will Scarlett anyway?  

Well . . . . nobody knows.  We’ll probably NEVER know.  You see, Will Scarlett was one of the breakout characters from the spinoff Once Upon a Time in Wonderland, and when that got canceled, someone -- really not sure who -- thought it’d be an awesome idea to plunk him onto OUAT.  

There were many schools of thought on this, the primary one being that ABC wanted him for something and wanted to keep him on contract.  That was 2014.  I’m typing this in 2020, and there’s still no Michael Socha show on ABC.  So that was a load of horse shit -- or else Socha told ABC to fuck off and hightailed it back to England.  My money is on the latter.  

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/115784240042/honest-question-why-did-they-bring-will-onto

But the issue isn’t even that they didn’t do fuck-all with Socha -- it’s the LIES that these assholes (they being A&E) told.  So here’s where my receipts come in.  You ready?  Got your popcorn?

First of all there’s this lovely article -- Will is mentioned by all of it is just glorious in general:

https://oncecrazy.tumblr.com/post/118843079631/the-26-things-the-castwriters-promised-would

What is so HIGHlarious about all of this is that almost all of the articles that existed about the whole Will Scarlett thing -- no longer EXIST!

The highlight is Zap2it -- which is a now defunct fan site that A&E liked to go prattle to.  

So Frick and Frack promised us we’d find out how Belle & Will got together.  I have this:

https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/424464333605771793/#

And I have this:

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/113163777872/once-upon-a-time-belle-and-the-knave-are-a-new

I also have a bunch of people I KNOW can confirm they saw this interview full of bullshit before it got erased.  Please show yourselves!  

But fear not -- I have an ACTUAL receipt from Mr. Socha himself:

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/140658788782/apparently-michael-socha-got-screwed-over-by-ouat

https://celticheartedfangirl.tumblr.com/post/140624375357/hes-a-good-bloke-i-saw-him-at-the-comic-con

I’m grateful someone had the idea to type it out, because sadly the link to that article was DELETED, which makes me think Socha got in trouble for that interview.  Because shortly after that, a more watered down interview with him was posted in its place and THAT is still up:

https://www.digitalspy.com/tv/ustv/a785951/michael-socha-confirms-once-upon-a-time-exit/

Interesting, no?

Whatever the case -- Socha got royally fucked over by OUAT, for no good reason.  His character was a plot device.  What a waste and what an insult to the man who just wanted to work.  Fuck these assholes.  

So anyhow, there are the receipts, and we are now at the end of the clusterfuck that was Season 4.  

Speaking of clusterfucks . . . . onward to Season 5.  

Lord, give me strength . . . . . 

Points tally:

40 points to start

10 points for Rumbelle kiss

10 points for Rumbelle hug

5 points for Swan Queen

3 points for Papafire, at least it got mentioned

5 points for Belle in character

5 points for Rumple in character

5 points deducted for Hook

5 points deducted for Zelena

I really can’t justify adding or deducting anything bonus.  Just get me out of this season, please and thank you.

Total points:  68

Follow #celtichearted OUAT ranking tag for more to come!

[f4liveblogarchives]

Fantastic Four Vol 1 #157

Fri Aug 09 2019 [07:28 PM] Wack'd: FANTASTIC FOUR VOL 1 NO 157 [07:29 PM] Bocaj: OH WHOA FANTASTIC FOUR [07:29 PM] maxwellelvis: Don't need no more! [07:29 PM] Wack'd: First I need the restroom [07:29 PM] maxwellelvis: (That's ungrammatical!) [07:32 PM] Wack'd: INTRODUCING THE GOLD GOLIAT--wait. Doomsman? You're going with Doomsman?

[07:32 PM] Wack'd: Well okay, it's your comic [07:34 PM] Wack'd: This single motion line on Doom's face makes it look like he's got one hell of a booger

[07:35 PM] maxwellelvis: "And YOU!! Why the Hell are you reading this?! What is your DEAL?!" [07:36 PM] Wack'd: Somewhere in New York, Alicia's stepdad feels an overwhelming urge to file for trademark violation

[07:37 PM] Wack'd: Meanwhile, Shalla-Bal snaps out of it, very slowly [07:38 PM] Wack'd: Based on 1970s data transfer speeds they're going to need to make out for at least five days

[07:38 PM] maxwellelvis: Well, who am I to argue with 70's tech? [07:38 PM] Umbramatic: that's crazy PDA right there [07:39 PM] Bocaj: Personal Digital Awwyeeeaaah [07:39 PM] Wack'd: I dig this joke. Not so much how Wein, based on the past few issues, seems to have decided Medusa's personality is "humorless scold"

[07:40 PM] Bocaj: Boo [07:41 PM] Umbramatic: boo [07:42 PM] Wack'd: Ben is a pretty good prophet given he's referencing a show that won't premiere until 1995

[07:42 PM] Wack'd: Unless he's watching the Irish version with Gay Byrne [07:43 PM] maxwellelvis: I think he means the late night movie. [07:43 PM] Wack'd: Reed slides into the cracks to stop the room from collapsing [07:44 PM] Wack'd: HEY WHAT THE FUCK

[07:44 PM] maxwellelvis: Sounds painful [07:44 PM] maxwellelvis: Now, this was back when OJ was JUST a football player and not, y'know, a murderer. [07:44 PM] Wack'd: Ahhh [07:45 PM] maxwellelvis: That didn't happen until the 90's. [07:45 PM] Wack'd: ...confession time: up until this moment I assumed OJ Simpson was a musician [07:45 PM] maxwellelvis: Wow. [07:45 PM] Umbramatic: lel [07:45 PM] Wack'd: I literally knew nothing about him besides the murder stuff [07:45 PM] Bocaj: He was better before season 30 [07:45 PM] maxwellelvis: Boo [07:45 PM] maxwellelvis: Boo! Boo! Boo! [07:46 PM] Bocaj: Are you saying boo or Boo Boo? [07:46 PM] Wack'd: hahahahahahahahahaha

[07:48 PM] Umbramatic: pffffffft [07:49 PM] Wack'd: If you're wondering what's up with the original Doomsman, he's never been in a Fantastic Four. He's from Astonishing Tales. But apparently he later changed his name to Andro and achieved some degree of immortality in the *Machines of Doom* expansion pack of the Marvel Super Heroes ttrpg. [07:50 PM] maxwellelvis: Apparently he also wants you to know that, despite his artificial origins, he's all man, baby [07:51 PM] Wack'd: He looks like a zombified version of Watch and/or Ward from Venture Bros [07:52 PM] maxwellelvis: That's why I couldn't keep up with that show; of all the characters to share a name with on a parody show... [07:52 PM] Wack'd: This is how the Power Cosmic works, right? You have more of it the bigger you are? That's why Galactus kicks so much ass

[07:53 PM] Wack'd: Meanwhile--Shalla-Bal isn't Shalla-Bal, sadly. Just a Latverian Doom brainwashed to think she was Shalla-Bal to trap Norrin [07:54 PM] Wack'd: I'd question how he found someone who looks just like her, or even knew what she looked like, but, uh [07:54 PM] Wack'd: *flashback to the time Puppet Master was deceived because Alicia looks just like Sue* [07:54 PM] Wack'd: Some things are better left unresolved [07:55 PM] Aleph Null: textual sameface syndrome [07:55 PM] Bocaj: pfft [07:55 PM] Wack'd: Anyway with his personal drama resolved Norrin stops moping and gets out of the power-draining chair [07:55 PM] Wack'd: Which I should point out Doom trapped him in with the power of MOPING [07:56 PM] Bocaj: The best worst thing about the whole Alicia looks just like Sue apparently plot point [07:56 PM] Bocaj: IS THAT JOHNNY MARRIES HER IN THE FUTURE [07:56 PM] Wack'd: Doom was literally like "yeah if I give him a chair and refuse to give him his wife back he'll just sit there moping in the chair while I snap his power" [07:56 PM] Bocaj: Oh my god [07:57 PM] maxwellelvis: Sure it turns out it wasn't actually Alicia he married, but Johnny didn't know that at the time [07:57 PM] Bocaj: Quasi incestual just the way keeps happening in comics all the time disturbingly [07:58 PM] Bocaj: Madelyn Prior once hit on Cable. And to be clear Cable is her son [07:58 PM] Bocaj: Or X Man [07:58 PM] Bocaj: Where X Man isn't strictly her son but he has the same genetics as if she were [07:58 PM] Bocaj: And Nightcrawler was thrilled to learn that his girlfriend was his foster sister [07:58 PM] Wack'd:

Norrin: There are other matters that must take precedence, for I fear that, even now, the Fantastic Four may be encountering difficulties. Wein: Yeah...you might say that! *cut to Reed, Johnny, Ben, and Medusa getting their asses kicked*

[07:58 PM] Bocaj: *X Men why are you like this*? [08:00 PM] Wack'd:

Ben: Well waddaya know? It's the blasted cavalry on a surfboard! Now all we need is John Wayne! Norrin: I am not certain, Ben Grimm, that I fully understand your reference to one of your culture heroes.

[08:00 PM] Bocaj: Peter Quill intensifies. He doesn't exist yet but he sure is intensifying [08:01 PM] Wack'd: The fact that Ben is a piñata you beat and pop culture references fall out is an aspect I feel like most people forget [08:01 PM] Bocaj: (Wait he was introduced in 1976 what year is it?) [08:01 PM] Wack'd: *107.1 FM 10-at-10 echo voice* 1974! 1974! 1974! [08:02 PM] Bocaj: Ok so he doesn't yet [08:02 PM] Wack'd: Fuck I need to find some recordings of 10 at 10 so I can make this reference and have it be understandable [I DID, HERE’S THE LINK] [08:04 PM] Wack'd: I have no idea what the fuck Doom is saying but it sure sounds cool

[08:04 PM] Wack'd: Anyway not!Shalla-Bal puts an end to the fighting [08:05 PM] Wack'd: By pointing out that this castle is full of priceless cultural artifacts [08:05 PM] Wack'd: And Doom's like "fuck, you're right, I can't risk wrecking this place with a fight" [08:05 PM] Bocaj: "Oh no my sweet merch!" [08:06 PM] Wack'd: Oh my god [08:06 PM] Wack'd: SO IT TURNS OUT [08:07 PM] Wack'd: MEPHISTO BRAINWASHED SHALLA-BAL INTO THINKING SHE WAS A LATVERIAN [08:07 PM] Wack'd: AND THEN DOOM BRAINWASHED HER INTO THINKING SHE WAS SHALLA-BAL [08:07 PM] Umbramatic: ...oh [08:07 PM] Wack'd: AND THIS WAS ALL A LONG GAME OF MEPHISTO'S TO MAKE NORRIN SAD [08:09 PM] Wack'd: Mephisto then proceeds to spend half an hour laughing at how fiendish this all is

[08:09 PM] Bocaj: god damn dude, literally [08:10 PM] Wack'd: I guess all this nonsense is relevant to people who read Silver Surfer [08:10 PM] Wack'd: But not to me! ONWARDS [08:10 PM] Bocaj: I only read the volume 2 of his series when he hung out with Mantis [08:10 PM] maxwellelvis: All I know is that Mephisto has been tormenting Silver Surfer like this for almost a decade at this point. [08:13 PM] Bocaj: its because silver surfer is space jesus [08:13 PM] Bocaj: angsty space jesus [08:14 PM] Bocaj: WITH A PURE SOUL who led lowercase doom to millions or billions of souls [08:14 PM] Bocaj: So the devil as an adversary makes a kind of sense

[crystalelemental]

I have finally, finally beaten Binding Blade.  Now I don’t have to be like “So I’ve never beaten this game” when I +10 all of the common units from this game.

Further explanation of thoughts below the cut, but succinct summary is this: WHO THE FUCK MAKES A FOG OF WAR DESERT CHAPTER?!

I feel like I need to bitch about gameplay first.  Because the game is...really hard.  Like, holy hell.  Enemies in general feel like a big threat, and reinforcements are just vile in this game.  They all move on the same turn they spawn in, and have this tendency to spawn in right next to your units, or right behind you, and just annihilate your frail mages and poor Merlinus.  It’s outright nasty how bad reinforcements are.  Like, that fog of war desert chapter?  You start in the middle of the desert, right?  And you have to beat this map in like 20 turns to get the legendary weapon, right?  And, being a desert map from the GBA era, there’s hidden stuff in the sands, right?  So there’s one behind you?  So you send a few units off that way to collect things, and suddenly there’s like 50 bandits swarming in, and your units are completely blasted into powder.  It’s unreal how intense reinforcements are in this game.

To add insult to injury, Berserk staves.  Berserk staves everywhere.  I want to say the first one appears in like Chapter 16, and after that there’s one in just about every single chapter.  Restore Staves are supremely necessary, and having a mounted healer is outright required, I feel like.  You need to get to the unit that gets hit by this quick.  So of course, even later chapters have your army divided into parts, and will just aim at the part where you can’t get a Restore staff.

Oh, and let’s not forget: units in this game all feel like they suck.  Like, almost every new recruit starts at level 1, no matter how far along you are.  So you might think, hey, I just got General Cecilia, and this cool Shaman character, Sophia.  They must be good!  Oh wait, Sophia is level 1, and Cecilia’s got like 11 base magic as a pre-promote.  Oops.  So many of them are like this!  I just don’t understand why new recruit levels were set so painfully low, especially considering this includes favorites of mine like Sophia and Lilina.  At least Lilina gets to be good by the end of this!

If you can handle the gameplay aspect...this game’s really good otherwise.  I will admit, the first...half to two thirds of the game can feel a bit...I don’t want to say irrelevant, but definitely not as critical.  It’s a lot of Roy having to go around to different nations seeking support, and in every territory finding people divided and fighting amongst each other for power during the war.  People will sell out their own countries and allies to get ahead in Bern’s new regime, and it leads to some pretty awful events on the whole.  As you go, you gather the legendary weapons scattered around the world, which have been sealed away so others can’t obtain them.  Initially, there doesn’t seem to be a great reason to seek them out, but eventually you learn that Bern does, in fact, have Dragons fighting for them, and suddenly having weapons that can beat Dragons seems really important.

But once you hit Bern, especially once you meet Zephiel, things really take off.  After seeing how divided the world is, and how self-serving people are across the continent...Zephiel’s motivations start to make sense.  Guinevere explains how his father was a complete bastard who openly tried to kill him, solely out of jealousy and spite.  From this upbringing, Zephiel learned that people are twisted by negative emotions and the pursuit of their own gain.  He resurrected the Dark Dragon to put an end to humanity’s reign, knowing that humans are far too corrupt to be allowed to rule.  And it’s like...man, I’ve seen the evidence that you’re not wrong here.  A lot of power structures in Elibe wound up being highly corrupt and shitty, and your stance that humans cannot be trusted to rule isn’t exactly unfounded in the face of how this all went.

But...well, the Dragons aren’t much better.  When you meet Yahn, you get a sense that the dragons are just unrelenting bastards.  When they were losing the war against humans, they captured a Divine Dragon, and attempted to get them to create War Dragons for them to use against humans.  Idunn was that Divine Dragon.  She hesitated, feeling pity for the earthly dragons that were getting their asses kicked, and the earthly dragons responded by capturing her, and demanding War Dragons.  She refused.  She felt pity, but didn’t want to go against the laws of nature the divine dragons followed.  So, they basically broke her soul, and turned her into a puppet to only obey commands of their leader, and forced her to spawn War Dragons to turn the tables.  The dragons actually started to win after this, but then humans made the legendary weapons, identified the Dark Dragon within the temple, and made a full-on charge to take down the source.  The clash resulted in a huge distortion of nature that threw seasons out of balance, and fucked up all sorts of equilibrium.  The dragons, unable to hold their forms in this new environment, had to shift into their human forms, and stored power in the dragonstones.  The humans saw their opportunity and got straight to killing.  The dragons lost outright.  When the humans then pressed onward to take out the Dark Dragon...they found a lone girl sitting there, staring into space, unaware of the situation around her.  The humans hesitated, but ultimately engaged to prevent her from creating more War Dragons.  When she fell, their leader, Hartmut, wasn’t able to bring himself to kill the girl, and instead sealed her away, using the Fire Emblem and the Sword of Seals, and building his kingdom around the temple where the dragon lay dormant.  Until Zephiel awakened her.

It’s so good.  Like, this is such a good history and narrative, and it ties in so well with Blazing Blade.  Like, now we know why Ninian and Nils talked about how the human world is distorted and they can’t live long lives as dragons there.  The creation of War Dragons is pretty much exactly what Nergal did with Morphs, and the suggestion that all divine dragons had this ability does tie in nicely with the idea that Nergal was able to learn it from the dragons in Arcadia.  Fae and that elderly dragon at the end of the game suggest that all the Arcadian dragons are the divine dragons, who abandoned the earthly dragons during the war.  The only thing that is a little confusing is...the legendary weapons.  Athos broke seals to get ahold of them, knowing full well that the last time they clashed with dragons, it fucked up just about everything on earth.  Why did he agree to this?  Like, that arrangement was made before he knew Nergal was becoming invincible, and before dragons were out in the world.  Kinda seems like a bad idea, really.

As far as characters go, I’m sure no one is surprised to know I love Idunn.  That backstory is A+.  I actually wound up liking Lilina a lot, too?  Like, of course she’s good, but the few interactions I got with her are solid, mostly in who she recruits and how.  She’s empathic and understanding, able to see the good in people, but at the same time she’s willing to stand firm against someone in the wrong.  Even if she recognizes that people would turn to looting when the nobility isn’t doing their job, she’s not about to just accept that as justification for their actions, and is more than willing to stand firm against them.  She’s great.  Obviously, I like Sophia and Cecilia a lot, too.  Thea is fantastic, and Clarine is a ton of fun too.  Still, I’d want to read through all the supports to really get a feel for everyone before I could talk about more specifics.

Overall, I’d say Binding Blade is one of the best in terms of narrative, but...really not my favorite in terms of gameplay.  I don’t know if I’ll replay it.  The time constraints for the legendary weapons, the super unfair reinforcements, and the absolute nonsense of status staves being omnipresent starting in the final third of the game...it’s really stressful.  I’d definitely recommend it as something to pick up, but like...only if you’re really confident in your abilities, and really ready to play it.  Otherwise, walkthroughs are fine.

[janiedean]

So, I see my issues with Sansa's storyline but what are yours?

hahahaha. *takes deep breath*

okay first of all please let me refer you to this post which explains all the reasons why show!sansa is different from book!sansa and highlights 95% of my issues with her writing basically so I don’t have to go over it again;

now: the thing I loved loved about sansa is that her evolution never forgets that she’s a kind, empathetic person who sees the good in everyone and who inspired people around her to be better and who had to learn the world was not a song but who didn’t get too embittered by it, and right now she’s in a fairly morally gray place because LF is trying to manipulate her and so on, but I’m putting money on the fact that she eventually will do the right thing;

also book!sansa loves her family, all of it, and most of all her catchphrase #1 is that COURTESY IS A LADY’S ARMOR, and she also happened to have escaped the abusive significant other once and that was it;

the show has thrown all of that to shit the moment they gave her theon’s storyline (and jeyne poole’s, her book!bff who was in her place in wf) and then since there was the backslash they decided to make up for it by turning her into, sorry to say...... cersei 2.0;

and the entire point of her storyline is that she’s not fucking cersei;

now: in the previous seasons I’ve had ENDLESS issues with her telling theon she’d do to him what ramsay had (we’re talking about someone who cried when joffrey died, like she cried for joffrey for fuck’s sake), I’ve had endless issues with how they had the narrative framing jon wrong and making him look like an idiot when narratively he’s right while making sure to support her side even when she wasn’t (like she doesn’t tell him she has the vale army and he should hold on attacking because she gave him no reasons but she said so??? wtf). I have issues with the fact that she killed ramsay in cold blood smiling which is so ooc for book!sansa I cannot even, I have issues with the fact that they framed littlefinger’s death like that in a way that was pure shock value but WE HAD TO THINK SHE WANTED TO KILL ARYA WTFFFF, I have issues with the fact that they’re depicting her as this ice cold queen, I have issues with how they framed the wf retaking with ‘oh ramsay has rickon’ and then ‘well rickon is dead already who cares’. I cannot at all get behind her calling robb and ned fools who didn’t get what they should have done in S7 when ned died for her and in the book she thinks she has to be brave and strong like robb way after robb is dead and before then, the fact that she keeps on contradicting jon in public is dumb af because we all know that contradicting your sovereign in public is #1 thing that you don’t do ever, and that’s just the beginning of it;

but this season, jesus christ, I can’t;

for one: book!sansa might be distrustful of dany, but she would never question her in public (or jon) and she wouldn’t treat her so coldly - COURTESY IS A LADY’S ARMOR JFC, and book!sansa would see the point of, well, having an army and dragons against the fucking zombies instead of looking like dany showed up to help and she wants to push her off a cliff;

other than that, she’s just... gratuitously mean to her for no reason at all like SAM has a reason to hate dany since she burned his family regardless of everything, but sansa? none. and the fact that SHE WORKED SO HARD FOR THE NORTH doesn’t hold to me because a) in the books she won’t, it’s not her sl, b) that sl was a mess because it was obvious that they regretted not leaving in the show that hm, ROBB HAD LEFT A WILL THAT LEGITIMIZED JON AND DELEGITIMIZED ARYA AND SANSA FOR POLITICAL REASONS but never mind that, c) neither ned nor robb wanted the northern independence and sansa wanting it so bad makes no sense unless they want her to be cersei 2.0, which is what she’s being;

also: this ties to the fact that she broke jon’s trust when she swore in front of a heart tree and told tyrion that he was r+l knowing it would fuck up things on dany’s side when dany had done her nothing to deserve it. it looked like mean girls high school bullshit and it was downright cruel and underserved and she had no reason to do it and ‘well I don’t like her and she has dragons’ is.... not really justified to create a dynasty collapse. like this she seems like a coldblooded asshole who has a) betrayed two sovereigns, b) betrayed her brother’s trust, c) willingly sabotaged dany’s cause when dany just helped them as far as she’s concerned and... lost.... a lot for them? like??? sorry but that’s not the sansa stark I know and love and I refuse to accept it;

also the fact that she’s like that makes all the efforts the shows puts into showing us sansa was right look INSUFFERABLE because like... she was right about letting the soldiers rest? sure, but given the premises it seemed fairly obvious that she was never planning on helping her at all; was she right about dany losing it? well........ technically yes, but the way the narrative framed it dany lost her shit because of absolutely understandable reasons and also thanks to her meddling and her breach of jon’s trust and sorry but how the fuck am I supposed to root for sansa when everything I’ve seen in S8 was her treating dany like crap, dany being isolated and no one giving two fucks about her, losing her dragons, jorah, her bff and the man she technically loves (I DON’T EVEN LIKE JONERYS JFC) and everything sansa has done has been being a total ass to her and plan for her downfall when she had no reasons to assume dany meant her any harm? 

and like.... obv. the finale will have most likely jon killing dany in mercy or smth and sansa becoming lady of the north so she will be the one to come up on top and people will sell it as groundbreaking feminist narrative and........ I hate how we got there, I don’t think sansa being lady of anything is actually the organic closure to her book storyline, I hate that her kindness has gone up in flames, I hate that they turned her into lf and cersei’s lovechild when the entire point is that she learns from both and she’s not either, I hate that the narrative always puts her as right even when she’s wrong to the detriment of other characters, I hate what they did to her since S5, I hate that they used her to destroy my favorite book storyline (theon’s) when she had a perfectly good one on her own, and pretty much took brienne’s away** to make it about sansa only from S5 onwards and the only way she has of not having it be about sansa in the end is if she’s pregnant and that’s like... jfc I hate everything about it, and tldr I hate everything about sansa’s sl this season same as I hated 80% about it in the previous ones. *shrug*

** what I mean is: I think she’ll swear herself to sansa in the books too, but before getting there she had her whole riverlands arc that in WoW will turn into riverlands arc with jaime, and 85% of that was trashed to have her go north, follow sansa around, kill stannis because d&d hated him and they decided to make him die in a total nonsensical way (book!brienne hasn’t even thought about him in more than a fleeting way in her affc chapters but okay lol) and then since S6 she’s been just about sansa except for her jaime arc in S8... and they trashed that too ;) like, I love sansa but in the show they made her cannibalize the arcs of all the Not Extremely Main POVs around her (theon and brienne mostly), they deprived her of her good book arc and they turned her into cersei 2.0 and I can’t ever forgive them for it. sorry I’m bitter.

[starberry-cupcake]

Overall thoughts on Les Mis BBC

I decided, after all those summaries I made, to write what I hope can be a more coherent opinion on what I thought of the adaptation as a whole. I wanted to make sure to state that my critical reactions weren’t for entertainment purposes only or exaggerated for the fun of it but based on real concerns I’ll expand in this post. This is like the “serious companion”, if you will. 

I don’t know if anyone cares about it at this point, but I feel that even though my summaries helped me go through the immediate frustrations in a (mostly) lighthearted way, it’s the distance from having watched it all what gave me a little bit more clarity to order my thoughts. 

I’ve established my opinion isn’t worth a damn, I’m not smart or knowledgeable enough for this fandom and, needless to say, these are all my personal opinions, take them with a grain of salt or a bathtub of it. I’m a worthless nobody and my words have no value, but the internet is still (sort of) free, so here I go.  

Introduction: the initial news, Andrew Davies & the PR mess

BBC announced the adaptations of 2 media phenomenons which started as books that I love so much I’m considering tattoos of both. And, for both of them, my main concerns were on the person adapting the script. 

On the one hand, there’s His Dark Materials, a book series that made me the person I am today, pretty much. One of the directors is none other than Tom Hooper (what are the odds) and the script adaptation was in the hands of Jack Thorne. Cursed Child Jack Thorne. Yeah, not thrilled about that. 

Surprisingly enough, His Dark Materials was given a projection of 3 possible seasons, rather than just one, the 3rd hasn’t been yet confirmed but the fact that the script was made thinking on one season per major book on the series, and that each season has 8 episodes planned, at least gives me a bit of hope, even if the person adapting it isn’t in my favorites list. 

Les Mis, on the other hand, went to the hands of Andrew Davies, another person I don’t trust. 

I’m one of those folk who was never too fond of the ‘95 version of Pride and Prejudice, mainly because of how Darcy was made into a sort of sex symbol, where his flaws were seen as “attractive marks of broody character” rather than vulnerability and with gratuitous sexualizing fanservice. I know a lot of people love it for that and that’s cool, you do you, but it’s not for me. 

Then, when he adapted War and Peace, he talked about adding more sex to it and had the Kuragin siblings shown explicitly sleeping together from the get-go in episode 1 and that’s when I stopped watching (there were other things I didn’t like but that one was my limit). 

To make matters worse, it made me weary that Les Mis was getting an overall amount of only 6 episodes whereas HDM was getting a potential 24-ish. That was an odd choice. 

So, as you can guess, I knew coming in that Davies writing the script, a script with a limited time-frame for the story, was a huge risk. 

But, on the other hand, as the cast was announced, I got excited. Especially for people like Archie Madekwe, Turlough Convery, Erin Kellyman and some famous actors like David Oyelowo. Their filming logs on social media, how nice they all were and how much fun they had filming made me happy. I felt that maybe these great folks could turn around whatever the scrip had to disappoint me. 

But then came all the PR stuff. 

The more I read Davies & co. talking about the show, the less hope I had for it. Talking very badly about the musical and the 2012 movie, calling female characters “not complicated”, insulting Cosette, saying that Javert’s lack of explicit heterosexual sex in the brick was reason enough to push a homosexual narrative centered on an unhealthy behavior, patting themselves on the back for having a diverse cast as if no other adaptation of Les Mis had ever done it before...even their talks about Fantine’s make up made me weary. And, let’s not forget their ridiculous insistence on not having songs. 

By the time the show premiered, my hopes had dwindled. The excitement I had upon knowing there would be another Les Mis adaptation so soon, a BBC one at that, and with a cast I had hopes for, was blurred by all the nonsense of PR and I was more afraid than hopeful. 

In the end, after having watched it completely, and as you can see for my summaries, I was heavily disappointed. I’ll try to list some of my biggest concerns, in no particular order. 

I can’t be super extensive about it, because there are a lot of points to go over, but there are a lot of amazing opinion pieces out there about specific issues, so you don’t need me for that. 

Anyway, let’s delve into some of my biggest problems with BBC Les Mis.

Problem #1: The portrayal of femininity

Solely by the fact that Davies stated that women on Les Mis “are not terribly complicated” you know that things are not going to go all too well on that front. 

I’m going to pick 3 characters to showcase how badly women were portrayed in this: Fantine, Cosette and Éponine. I’ll leave other characters for another section. 

1. Fantine

I’ve talked about Fantine before, upon receiving some questions on my summaries, but I’ll try to explain it all in a more understandable way. 

The lens in which Fantine was seen was sexist from the get-go. The way in which the story was framed made the audience complicit in the choices she was making, choices that were negatively regarded by the narrative perspective alone. Her “fall to disgrace” was framed as her own decisions being incorrect, silly mistakes that were easily avoidable, and never regarded as the result of living in a society that was unable to contain her and see her as a valid human being. But we’ll get to that when we talk about the politics (or lack thereof) on this show. 

Like I said in my response before, the way in which Fantine is portrayed, even in the musical itself, varies greatly performance to performance. Patti LuPone performing I Dreamed a Dream after Fantine gets dismissed isn’t like Anne Hathaway performing it after she has become a prostitute and neither carry the same implications as Allison Blackwell in the Liesl Tommy’s Dallas modern production, influenced by her experience in apartheid South Africa. 

Still, the key element to developing Fantine’s portrayal, when it comes to sexism and the showcasing of her environment, has two layers: the actual oppression showcased in the source material and the contemporary interpretation or lens in which an adaptation will view it. 

In this version, Fantine’s character was toned down in her attitude. She was less reactive than in the brick, a lot more passive, a lot more of a tragic figure, which paired up with the fact that this adaptation covered her entire “fall to ruin”, from meeting Tholomyès onward, made her a victim of everything that happened to her. 

A victim of her own bad decisions, though, not of a social context that was failing her. 

But the worst part is in how the focus of the show is placed. You can have Fantine being a summarized version of herself, with less spunk, and still showcase through her that the circumstances she was in were permeated by an escalating force of social disadvantage and oppression. 

This adaptation made, like I said, the audience complicit in Fantine’s decisions as if she was a princess in a movie, unaware of the threats she was getting herself into by her own naive foolishness. 

Tholomyès is blatantly shady, clearly dishonest, not at all charming or in any way trustworthy and Fantine gets a “voice of reason” on a friend who tells her various times that he will eventually leave. There are a lot of red flags, blatant for the audience, that Fantine chooses to dismiss. The show focuses less on why Fantine trusted Tholomyès and more on her making a clear bad choice we all knew was doomed from the start. 

This becomes a problem once again when she chooses to leave Cosette with the Thénardiers. They are very clearly shady, very blatantly aggressive and ready to take advantage of her, visibly manhandling Cosette in front of her and asking for more money on the spot, and Fantine again naively ignores all of this. 

They do it again when she enters employment in Montreuil. She talks to Valjean himself in this version, and is asked repeatedly and with kindness if she has a family. The scene makes it seem as if she could have easily told the truth, especially because we were previously given a scene in which Fantine hears a speech talking about how Valjean is the Best Person Ever and could potentially help her. Still, she chooses to repeatedly lie and the show makes it seem less for necessity and more for a sense of pride of some sort. 

(Also, as a foreshadowing of creepy Valjean to come, there are some insinuations from her co-workers that she could seduce Valjean, which is confusingly placed and awkwardly added where it is.)

Then, after she’s dismissed, there’s a man in a post office who asks her, after receiving letters from the Thénardiers (to which she reacts a lot more passively than in the brick), why she doesn’t bring Cosette to live with her, in a condescending tone, as if he was stating the obvious. Fantine responds again as if she was doing it out of pride. The same man is the one to suggest her to start selling her body and then tell her she should have done it before selling her hair and teeth because “nobody would pay for her after that”. 

Every turn we’re met with ways in which Fantine’s decisions are seen as foolish in the eyes of the viewer. It’s like Blue’s Clues or Dora the Explorer when they ask stuff to the audience for the kids to say they shouldn’t do something. It’s patronizing as fuck, is what it is. And, yes, sexist. 

These narrative choices are sexist because they erase most of the social and political situation which made Fantine vulnerable in the first place, to push the tragic drama as if she was a victim of being “too naive”. It’s sexist because it makes the audience know from the get go that what Fantine is doing is a “bad choice”, easily avoidable mistakes that whoever writes is smart enough to sense are bad but poor naive Fantine can’t understand. 

It isn’t just that she’s called a whore a lot of times, that she’s smashed against walls and the ground hard enough that Lily Collins was actually hurt, that she’s shown explicitly being used by a patron on the street. It’s that all of it is done with the added layer of her having “chosen wrong”. That everything is framed as the consequences of actions that the narrative voice, as well as the audience, are smart enough to know are wrong, but poor little Fantine can’t handle.

Like many things in this adaptation we’ll see later, Fantine’s journey is framed more like the tragic end of a woman who didn’t know how to choose right and was punished for said choices rather than the result of an unfair society which didn’t allow women any freedom to choose and didn’t see them as worthy human beings. 

2. Cosette

When Andrew Davies called Cosette a “pretty nauseating character” in need of change, I knew I was up against one of those people. 

Cosette is probably one of the most underestimated female characters in literature, and adaptations tend to do her dirty very often. I’m not even fond of her interpretation in the musical all that much, which goes in tow with the interpretation of Éponine. I’ve seen my fair share of men on youtube claiming Gavroche should be the face of Les Mis rather than Cosette, I’ve received my fair amount of messages claiming she’s The Worst, I’ve seen it all. 

This adaptation does with Cosette something that, out of context, I would have thought impossible. They manage to somehow attempt to make her more “active” (they would call it “strong” but I have problems with that denomination) while making her even more of a helpless victim. It’s a pretty impressive oxymoron. 

Let’s begin with little Cosette. 

This adaptation does something very weird in that it only showcases Cosette’s storyline as a child when it serves other characters, but then intends to build upon the abuse by mentioning it or making it clear that adult Cosette remembers it well. 

So we see Cosette when she’s important to Fantine’s storyline, the Thénardiers’s storyline or Valjean’s storyline, but not much about her on her own, aside from one time she’s looking at dolls and another time when she’s being beaten up by Madame Thénardier, which could be also a moment for the Thénardiers and not solely for Cosette’s narrative. 

What I mean with this is that the view on her is reduced to a side character rather than a main one and, with that, her perspective on her own abuse isn’t taken into account. You don’t know how Cosette feels about things, you don’t see her perspective on it, you only see what others do to her but never get to see her side of it. For all the musical erases of her narrative, at least they give her Castle on a Cloud. 

It’s with little Cosette where we start to see this weird sense of sexually charged perception towards her relationship with Valjean. 

For some inexplicable and highly alarming reason, it’s implied by various witnesses in different occasions that Valjean’s intentions with Cosette may be inappropriate, and I would have let it slide as just people thinking The Worst out of living in a social context in which The Worst is most often the truth, hadn’t that perception carried throughout the series and mixed with Valjean’s erratic and possessive characterization. 

When Cosette grows up, she gains a bit more focus, but she also starts to be charged a lot more sexually. 

Both Cosette and Éponine are sexualized and objectivized in this adaptation. This will be addressed later, but most often than not this sexualization acts as an accessory to a narrative about masculinity. 

Cosette’s virtue, beauty and body are talked about and even exposed in various moments. They tell her she can’t be a nun because that would be “a waste of her beauty”. In that dreadful scene in the dress shop I talked about in summary 4, the shop assistant again implies that Cosette is Valjean’s lover and lets him see her in undergarments through the curtain, with clear intentions. Valjean’s erratic persona is intent on separating her from Marius, explicitly telling her he’s worried that she will be taken advantage of by men, bringing up Fantine’s history to her with that in mind, while putting her in danger and in the company of the Thénardiers again, in more than one occasion. 

Adult Cosette has visible signs of the trauma she suffered, which is an interesting direction to go. I haven’t seen an adaptation taking such a big route on her remembering her past abuse, and is a change that worked in performance, Ellie did some great visible responses like covering herself when Valjean wakes her up or going fight or flight every time she sees Thénardier. She is visibly upset when Marius gives him money and looks both angry yet still hesitant when she sees the man for the last time. 

But all that kind of loses its importance when the men around her not only don’t give a shit but also do their worst. 

Valjean manhandles her, harms her even, pushes her to the limits of her emotional state by taking her to see the prisoners intentionally after she mentioned prison, acting more possessive than caring and more erratically violent than conflicted and concerned. 

Marius has a somewhat wet dream about her and then again dreams with her in confusing ways when he’s out of the barricade, with his grandfather talking about her as if she’s a piece of meat even after he meets her and she’s right in front of him. 

They tried to make Cosette more aggressive, I think, more reactive, which in some moments worked. But when the lens in which she’s viewed is objectivizing, when she’s being commented on, offered and treated as an object, then it isn’t enough. It makes it worse, actually. 

I’m sorry for Ellie, though, she did good. 

3. Éponine

Much like Cosette, Éponine’s childhood was all but a few cameos. It’s very often that adaptations try to “tone down” Éponine in order to pull a narrative of her as an underdog in a love triangle, the “friendzoned” girl who tragically dies. The musical does that, for example. 

Some of Éponine’s most controversial actions in the brick tend to be most often deleted or changed, except for adaptations in which she’s an “enemy” to Cosette’s narrative of a classic heroine. 

It isn’t easy to find adaptations that are able to make Éponine showcase the complexity of her canon character not as a problem but as what makes her character so good and important in the overall story. Hey, even fandom sometimes tends to romanticize Éponine as if she had to be “redeemed” in order to be seen as a worthy character (but that happens a lot with female characters in general). 

Éponine doesn’t exist for Marius’s narrative, as the other girl in a love triangle, or for Cosette’s narrative, as an enemy, she’s her own character with her own reason for existing and complex human dynamics that are extremely permeated by the social circumstances she’s immersed in and represents. 

I’d say this adaptation is on the group that uses her for Marius’s storyline.

Added to that, it’s one of the worst I’ve seen on that case, because in this one, Marius is complicit of Éponine’s intentions, which are sexualized to a degree I don’t feel comfortable with. 

We’ll talk a bit more about the Marius side of things later, but for Éponine, it meant she was reduced to a character that exists to sexually awaken Marius rather than a tragic figure on her own or even a piece of a love triangle. So, basically, this is the worst I’ve seen in a while. 

This is clearly seen in that interview when Davies explained why he added that “wet dream” scene, saying:

“One of the best things Hugo does is to have Eponine tease Marius with her sexiness because he is a bit of a prig. So I have introduced a scene where Marius, even though he is in love with Cosette, has a wet dream about Eponine and feels rather guilty about it. I think it fits into the psychology of the book.” Source

Let’s leave out the part where he considers that to be “one of the best things Hugo does” because I cannot deal with that right now. Let’s focus on the other bit.

Like this quote suggests and I said before, Éponine was rather reduced to a tool for Marius’s sexual awakening. In this version, it isn’t only the “wet dream” which precedes more crucial interactions between Marius and Éponine, there’s also a scene where she strips for him through the hole in the wall and another where Courfeyrac is commenting on her and Azelma as Marius moves into the building for the first time. 

By the time Marius gives her his money and any sort of bond can occur, it’s evidently clear in this version that Éponine has been teasing Marius and he is fully aware of it. He looks at her through the peep hole licking his lips and then has that disturbing dream where she’s kind of forcing him onto her in a very questionable way. 

So, this Marius is by no means unaware of the fact that Éponine was attracted to him in some capacity and has played along her seduction, which makes his dismissal of her and his request for her to find Cosette a lot like he is using her for his own gain and replacing her for another girl. 

Éponine’s attitude, much like Cosette’s, tries to be more active at times. She’s confrontational to her parents, seems protective of Azelma and is pleased to see her mother stuck in jail. 

However, much like with Cosette, any kind of agency is compromised for having her narrative be serving a male character’s development rather than her own. Her involvement in the barricade is also somewhat modified but, by that time, her journey has already been substantially affected. 

Much like Ellie, Erin was a very good Éponine when she was allowed to perform at her best and I wish she had been involved in an adaptation that was able to portray Éponine with more justice. 

I’ll talk a bit more about women on the show in general in problem #3 but, for now, let’s move on. 

Problem #2: The portrayal of masculinity

1. Javert

I am not the best person to write an essay on Javert, there are a lot of people more capable than me for that, and I may be called out for this and mess everything up, but I can’t write overall opinions without mentioning my issues with his characterization, at least summarized. 

Javert is a complicated character. He is, as much as everyone else, affected by the circumstances and a man who goes through a huge emotional impact and sees his values questioned and compromised. His and Valjean’s journeys have a lot in common, in different ways and with different outcomes. 

Sadly, Javert tends to be seen as a villain in a lot of adaptations. It’s a way to simplify the plot in the way movies tend to do: something is defined by what the other isn’t, if Valjean is the protagonist, then Javert must be his antagonist. I was worried that this version was going to fall into that trap, because of time restraint and Davies’s tendencies of simplifying complex characters. 

Javert’s characterization was erratic, much like Valjean’s. His attitude was blurred by fits of rage and moments of confusing violence, followed by charged pauses in strange cadences which tended to fluctuate. I don’t think his attitude was as all-over-the-place as Valjean’s, but it was certainly not as well defined as other Javerts I’ve seen through the years. 

This Javert, however, had a choice made for him that separates him from other versions: 

Over tea in central London, Davies tells me that he was surprised to discover that, in Hugo’s 1862 novel, neither character [Javert or Valjean] mentions any sort of sexual experience, leaving the 82-year-old screenwriter wondering, at least in the case of Javert, whether it was indicative of a latent homosexuality. Source 

There is a lot to unpack there. 

First, there’s this idea of masculinity in which the lack of explicit heterosexual intercourse in canon is directly representative of homosexuality. I’m not gonna delve a lot in the brick but there are a good bunch of characters you can easily read as gay. Hell, there’s that whole thing going on with comparing Enjolras and Grantaire to greek couples. And if you want to write Javert as gay, go ahead, there’s a lot of fanfiction out there who is with you on that and I’m here for all interpretations, no problem at all.   

But if you’re going to take that route, you need to be careful with your optics. 

This Javert is, at the end of the day, in this adaptation, a gay man of color. He is also explicitly obsessed with Valjean in a way that exceeds his sense of justice. He looks at him undress in prison, is all over his personal space while he’s in chains and later interrogates him believing Marius is his lover, clearly attempting Valjean to confess to him if he was. He receives a lot of comments from an officer who touches him and looks at him strangely in the last episode, prompting an immediate rejection from him. 

Everything points to Javert’s homosexuality being in the plot only as a further motivator for his need to capture Valjean, which makes for both a problematic portrayal of predatory homosexuality and a subsequent narrative of police abuse, both very problematic aspects to portray through a gay man of color. The way he acts and the way in which people act around him make it seem like his obsession with capturing him is fueled by the fact that Valjean represents his closeted feelings and that is all kinds of messed up. 

He is also clearly not as involved in other aspects of the law as he is in capturing Valjean, since Thénardier ends up being a secondary worry to him, even explicitly knowing he has been mistreating and abusing a child, and he also explicitly doesn’t care about his achievements or the ones of his other officers as long as Valjean is on the loose. He lets Thénardier escape prison on his watch and doesn’t take care of it himself, prioritizing Valjean. 

It isn’t about what happens in canon or not but in how all of this, in this version, is framed under this idea that Javert is also gay and has an obsession with Valjean that seems predatory in part, rather than fueled by his beliefs. And that is a dangerous optic to write a gay character under. Especially a police officer who is also a man of color. 

I’m not the one to talk about that, it’s not my experience to tell and I’m not going to speak over those whose experience this is, but as a content creator, I’d question if my need to diversify is stepping over the lines of problematic aspects that may ill represent the identities I’m trying to integrate. Just saying.

David’s performance hits some very good moments, especially when Javert starts contemplating suicide. That is a very important scene in every adaptation and a very amazing chapter in canon and David does well in performing the turmoil in Javert’s decision. They also add, as a voice in off, the notes he left to improve the service, which is a great touch. 

But, much like the other characters I mentioned, his performance is blurred by these writing choices in which Javert has been added this sort of predatory sense in which Valjean in jail symbolizes also keeping his identity hidden away. Davies would probably say his “desires” because that’s the kind of guy he is. 

I hope my opinion isn’t overstepping anyone’s voice and I’ll leave the further of this discussion to someone more appropriate, but I felt it was an important matter to include and something we all, as media consumers, must pay attention to. 

2. Marius

I had higher hopes for this boy, I really did. 

The good thing this adaptation does for Marius is give him a bit more room than others do. They touch more on his relationship with his father and his grandfather, they bring up the Thénardier connection to his dad, they introduce Mabeuf, and they bring him on as a kid in the beginning, which even though questionable in comparison to him having more development as a child than Cosette and Éponine, at least helped to introduce him as another key character of the whole story. 

I had hopes that this earlier introduction, albeit unfairly unbalanced with Cosette’s and Éponine’s, would allow for his character to develop more strongly, especially since politics were very present in his conversations with his grandfather and the ideals of his dad. I thought that by introducing politics through Marius that would allow his connection to Les Amis de l’ABC be more profound when the moment for revolution came. 

Yeah, no, that didn’t happen. 

Les Mis is a book where people are the heart and soul of it. With that in mind, characters aren’t like each other, they aren’t repetitions of the other’s attitude, they are diverse reflections of the complexity of humanity. The portrayal of masculinity in characters like Javert, Valjean, Gavroche or each individual member of Les Amis aren’t the same between each other, and neither are the same as Marius’s. 

Marius represents a very wide emotional spectrum. He’s sensitive and vulnerable, passionate and driven, but at the same time can take action into his own hands when he has to and fight, even at the cost of his own life. There are layers in Marius. Like a Rogel cake. 

I don’t want to generalize but a problem I have often with older male writers is that they see emotional complexity as weakness, especially when it comes to the portrayal of masculinity. There’s this idea in which something that is undefined or conflicting isn’t “strong” enough and therefore requires forcing. 

Remember that quote I brought up for Éponine’s characterization? we’re going back to that. To Davies calling Marius “a prig” in need of being seduced. 

Like I said, this version made Marius complicit in Éponine’s advances and aware of her sexually charged intentions, and this was made in an attempt to “upgrade” Marius’s masculinity and make him “less of a prig”. Because in order to be a Man, Marius needs to objectivize women. Apparently.  

Like I mentioned, the gesture of Marius giving Éponine the little money he had ended up being a lot less effective by the fact that he had already fantasized about her more than once, and with her knowing that. He is taken to a brothel by Courfeyrac and Grantaire in which women pretty much throw themselves at him while he looks for Cosette. The “wet dream” he has is a very eerie combination of idealization and assault, in which Éponine, taking Cosette’s place, forces him onto her (much like Davies is forcing this onto Marius).

It isn’t about sex or eroticism being introduced to Marius’s storyline, is that they appear forced and almost violently thrust upon him in order to validate him in this idea of masculinity the adaptation seems to have, which seems to be very narrow. 

And, with that in mind, we’ll move on to the last bit of this section.

3. Valjean

I am unable to write a piece about how many layers of wrong this Valjean embodied. 

There are a lot of good tumblr scholars and Les Mis experts talking about it already, they can explain better than I ever could, but we need to, at least, try to glimpse at the mess this was, because this is a post on problems and this was a major one. 

There are a lot of interpretations of Valjean, some of which are astronomically awful. He’s a character that can be easily fucked up, maybe because he also represents a very complex range of emotions, a very wide spectrum of masculinity, and is inserted in a wide variety of social contexts and spheres during his lifetime, which permeate his way of living as well as his agency to do things. 

Any adaptation of Les Mis from the get go starts with the challenge of representing all of this in a limited time frame and with a limited perspective. It’s very difficult to translate not only all of this complexity but also all the thoughts the narrator can rely, all the feelings and conflicts and internal turmoil that we can get from the book because it’s written. 

The musical, in that sense, has some elements from its medium that help, like the soliloquies, the changes of key, the ability for characters to bear their souls through song without interrupting the believability of the story. 

Representing Valjean without a medium that allows a peek inside his head is a big challenge. He is a character whose turmoil is most often interior, so showcasing that externally poses difficulty. 

Still, you can’t fuck up this much, my dude.  

I’ve seen bad Valjeans in my life, this one is...complicated. He’s not good, don’t get me wrong, but he isn’t as clear-cut godawful as others I’ve seen, he’s too erratic to be easily described. 

I think this adaptation tried to showcase complexity through visible emotional distress and physical violence. Instead of having a soliloquy or symbolism, we have Valjean shouting or screaming or burning his hand with a coin and staring at it for a while or shouting at nuns or carrying Cosette by force so hard her arm is in pain. 

Everything gets even more confusing when everyone around him treats him weirdly. 

You get years of exposition clumsily thrown at you via a speech Fantine hears when she arrives at Montreuil and he’s been elected. You get girls looking at him naughtily and suggesting Fantine to try to seduce him. You get inkeepers and Thénardier suggesting his intentions with child Cosette aren’t appropriate. You get women in dress shops thinking his intentions with young adult Cosette aren’t appropriate. You get Javert thinking his intentions with Marius aren’t appropriate. Everyone wants to talk about Valjean’s sex life or something, I don’t know. 

His attitude towards Cosette is also muddled by this erratic behavior and the very strange way in which he sees her and Fantine. 

He is visibly more worried about men taking advantage of her, of “defiling” her, than other dangers she could be in, like his identity being found out by the police or her falling in the hands of the Thénardiers again. He forcibly removes her from Marius’s presence and has a fight with her about it that ends on him taking her to see the prisoners. He knows she still, as an adult, visibly flinches when she’s approached harshly yet manhandles her when he wants to keep her locked up. 

There’s something possessive about this Valjean that ties in to how Cosette is portrayed as an object. He talks about Cosette as if she was something he needs to keep, says Marius will “rob” her, not because he wants to be a good father or see her happy but because she is his to have. 

This Valjean feels as if Cosette was his attempt to get rid of the guilt he feels for having failed Fantine more so than anything else. She’s less of a person and more an object he needs to keep for himself like a third candlestick. That’s the impression I got of their relationship with his characterization. 

By the time the series ended, I felt upset with Valjean. 

I didn’t care if he died, I didn’t care if he suffered. And that’s pretty shitty for a Les Mis adaptation to prompt. He made me feel uncomfortable, uneasy, as if he was the last person I would trust to take care of a young girl. And whatever internal journey he was going on wasn’t developed well enough to understand any of these choices. 

I don’t know, like I said, I’m not an expert of the subject of Jean Valjean, but I’m pretty sure this is not how you adapt him. 

Problem #3: Diversity without optics

This show hadn’t even started and it was already patting itself on the back for being diverse. 

Now, if you haven’t been in the world of Les Mis for too long, let me tell you there are a lot of adaptations which are diverse, and not only of the musical. In itself, it wasn’t a pioneer move, but I was nonetheless happy that they were going to pay attention to that. At the end of the day, Les Mis is about society, about oppression, and adaptations of it should represent the diversity of the social landscape of the time and place they’re created in. 

That being said, diversity in a highly political storyline needs to be carefully worked through, because without optics you can make questionable choices. And, you guessed it, questionable choices were made here. 

I can’t and won’t go over all of the issues with this that there are, but I can give a few examples. 

There is, of course, the always present argument of casting Fantine and Cosette white and the majority of the Thénardiers and Éponine as poc. And of casting the majority of Les Amis as white and the majority or most visible part of Patron Minette as poc. People have discussed this at length so I won’t go over that. 

There is also how constantly woc were cast in roles of service, some of which were questionable given the context. Simplice, for example, is cast this way, which I overlooked at the time but as it kept escalating with other characters like Matelote and eventually Toussaint, it grew a bit more complex. 

Toussaint was...a very problematic choice. 

When you present the character of a “housekeeper” in a period series which is meant to represent France in the 1800s, and she is a woman of color, some alarms start ringing. I don’t specialize in French history, but my instincts were proven correct when I checked various sources on dates, after seeing the episode, and I’m quoting wiki for easier access here: 

Slavery was first abolished by the French Republic in 1794, but Napoleon revoked that decree in 1802. In 1815, the Republic abolished the slave trade but the decree did not come into effect until 1826. France re-abolished slavery in her colonies in 1848 with a general and unconditional emancipation.

This series has a weirdly set timeline in comparison to the book but, for all intents and purposes, we’re in the early 1830s at the time she’s first introduced, correct? There was still an unstable situation regarding abolition at the time. The general emancipation hadn’t been yet stated in the colonies and the decree had just been starting to hold effect. 

I know this show is casting in a general way as a suspension of disbelief of some historical facts and I’m all for diversity in casting in period dramas, regardless of anything else, if it’s allowing for representation in media. 

But, at the same time, you need to be careful with your optics. She could have been cast as anyone else.

I don’t wanna go over this a lot because I don’t know enough about these parts of French history nor is it my story to tell, but the problem is in the erasure of conflicts or racism altogether as a way to prompt a shallow sense of diversity in a story that is directly linked with the subject of oppression. 

Let’s continue with another similar optics problem involving “diversity” to exemplify this issue further, so that I can clarify. 

This barricade had women on it and didn’t have Combeferre. 

Now, here is the thing about that. In the barricade my man Combeferre gives an amazing speech about women and children. 

In case you weren’t aware, the 1800s were the moment when European women and children barely started to be seen as separate members of society and not only “men but worse” and “men but small”. There are a lot of good articles about that, including one by Martyn Lyons about the new readers of the 19th Century, which changed the course of the editorial market, those being women, children and working class men, who didn’t have access to literature or literacy before that. The idea of childhood as we know it started then, and the later editions of the Grimm fairy tales was one of the first published books of fairy tales explicitly aimed at children’s education. And since a lot of us, in other places of the world that aren’t Europe, were colonized af or barely getting free from colonial governments in the 1800s, we kinda had to go with the flow, regardless of the social structure of native peoples, because colonialism sucks. 

But you all came here for Les Mis so, let’s get back to that. 

As this terrible and summarized dive into history implies, women and children were vulnerable to the fucked up state of social strife. Education was scarce and only accessible to some, employment was scarce and only accessible to some, food was scarce and only accessible to some. Most often than not, “some” did not include women and children. 

In comes the the sun to my moon, Combeferre, with his speech. 

He talks about all of this. Basically he talks to men who are the main providers of families, providers of women and children who depend on them and goes (I’ll paraphrase) “it’s our fault as a society that women can’t be here now, it’s our fault they don’t have the same possibilities and education we do, so at least do them a solid and don’t die today here if they depend on you to live, because the only possibility they have without your support is prostitution”. It was a fucking power move to include that on Les Mis. I mean, the entire book is a call out to the social and political situation, but damn. 

So yes, there aren’t women there but the reason for it is that patriarchy sucks and the consequences would be disastrous for them. 

Davies & co. pretty much didn’t give a shit about this. But, at this point, considering Problem #1, who’s surprised. 

They removed Combeferre, his speech and placed random women on the barricade, as if nothing of that was going on and the patriarchy didn’t exist. Because ~diversity~. 

The fact that they thought more woke to put some random women there on the barricade to die fighting instead of acknowledging the existence of sexism altogether pretty much sums up what this whole show thought diversity was. 

For them, diversity wasn’t a political and social standpoint born from reality, a way to represent the dynamics of oppression that are at stake even on this day, but an aesthetic. 

And, talking about speeches, let’s move on to the next bit. 

Problem #4: Where are the politics?

1. The social and political landscape

Les Mis adaptations have a fluctuating balance with politics and social conflicts. 

That is, at the end of the day, the very core of the existence of this story, the reason why still, to this very day, it is relevant and quoted, adapted and regarded is the fact that we still need it. 

All of us, as human beings living as members of society, are always immersed in political decisions. It’s not only unavoidable, it’s part of our lives as people living together. 

In the same way, the personal narratives of the characters of Les Mis are intrinsically linked to this landscape. They are set in different places of the social spectrum and hold different power dynamics and actions that relate to political standpoints. 

Adaptations tend to work this in very different ways. 

Some focus less on the politics and more on the social strife, with a greater focus on the characters. Others re-insert the characters in other different historical moments with the same levels of social and political strife. Others just copy-paste the situations and put them in another context, without really explaining what revolution it is, what they’re fighting for and why they’re being killed. The focus varies. 

It seems, for how this adaptation starts, with Waterloo and a subsequent argument between Gillenormand and Baron Pontmercy about Napoleon, that politics are going to be important. This doesn’t last very long. 

My biggest issue with the introduction of these circumstances is that they don’t bother on them but then attempt to use them for gratuitous self righteousness. It isn’t that they abandon them altogether, they overlook them but then attempt to use them for shock value. 

There is a constant use of exaggerated, almost cartoon-y, stagings of social depiction: 

- You have Gillenormand dining with his boys, in a luxurious and incredibly flamboyant scenery, while dissing political views in an almost comical fashion 

- You have beggars downright assaulting Valjean and Cosette on the street right outside the convent, as a means of shock to Cosette’s expectations of the world outside of it

- You have Fantine’s entire sequences as a prostitute with higher and higher degrees of abuse 

- You have the streets before the barricades, in some sort of confusing clamor that loses focus in favor of Valjean’s storyline 

- You have a god awful last scene which attempts to say something socially compromising by showcasing the kids Gavroche was helping (I don’t think they’re siblings in this version), as a means to say “the revolution wasn’t successful and social strife will always continue” I guess, I don’t know, because it’s not like they gave a shit about it all before, so this kind of Perrault-ish moral of the story at the end makes no goddamn sense

They are exaggerated snippets of things without context, with very little exposition, that are used more as props to shock than they are to actually take a stand on what the original story is trying to tell. 

Even the reality Fantine has to suffer is blurred by the fact that the social situation isn’t seen as much as a reality in itself but a combination of Fantine’s “choices” and Valjean’s “guilt”. 

But, in order to delve more into the non-political aspect of this adaptation, let’s focus on some specific characters. 

2. Enjolras

Well, I’ve seen a lot of Enjolrai in my life (is that be the plural of Enjolras? yes? no? can it be?). 

Enjolras has very different characterizations, even within fandom itself, but we can all agree that he’s a) highly political, b) highly committed to the cause and c) extremely charismatic. 

And when I say “charismatic” I mean it in the sense that his speeches are so beautifully crafted, so certain and commanding, that you just wanna listen to what he has to say, regardless of your views. They’re political discourse but also very poetic, which is a very interesting literary opposite to Grantaire’s voice, but I digress. 

Still, Enjolras doesn’t stand on his own. 

He represents a part of a whole, an important part, but a part nonetheless. Les Amis are a very diverse mixture of individuals, and the main triumvirate represents different stances on the same political action that coexist together. 

Without others to stand with, Enjolras loses context. Not because he can’t support himself as a character, but because his biggest value is within other people. 

This Enjolras is confusing, angry and loses a lot of steam when most of the people who should be around him aren’t really paying attention. 

Courfeyrac, although performed really well, doesn’t really get a chance to show his political ideas without Enjolras around, and that makes it seem like he’s being convinced to participate rather than doing it for his own reasons and being one key part of the group. 

In the barricade, Enjolras acts as if he doesn’t know what he’s doing half the time, and the other half he doesn’t give a shit about killing soldiers, smiling and laughing while shooting people. 

It isn’t just that the scene with Le Cabuc doesn’t exist, Enjolras doesn’t seem to have empathy, which is all given to Grantaire instead. 

By taking away Enjolras’s vulnerability, his complexity, they make him seem more shallow overall, and in tow, make his cause lose importance. 

And without a clear political standpoint, because his expositions about the situation are very shout-y and unclear, and his speeches are summarized with some actual quotes but without their meaning and true feeling, he seems to be fighting just because, rather than having strong ideals. 

Enjolras in the brick is eloquent enough, humane enough, that you understand what he’s doing and why. This Enjolras is a mess that I couldn’t understand at all. 

I don’t think people who have never seen, read or heard of Les Mis before will understand Enjolras as a character through this. He’s just a very angry student with weird facial hair (why?) who rants in a cafe while his friends are playing games and making jokes, who is friends with some workers and is the leader because he shouts the loudest but doesn’t seem to know what he’s doing. 

And, worst of all, doesn’t seem to care for human life. Which brings me to the next bit...

3. Grantaire

Man, was I excited with this casting choice. 

When I heard Turlough was playing Grantaire, I was delighted. And, at the end of the day, his performance was very good, but for a character who wasn’t quite Grantaire at times. 

I mean, he wasn’t as off as Enjolras, but he was also so erratically written. 

They decided to make Grantaire hesitant rather than a cynic. He didn’t get to express his cynicism or his attachment to his friends (what friends though? only Bossuet had a name other than Courfeyrac and Enjolras) and his involvement with the fight was shown as insecure rather than questioning of ideals. 

He is shown conflicted when he decides to fight with them, he doesn’t have any of his long speeches, the Barrière du Maine scene or anything of the sort. He is just...hesitant about death, I guess. About dying and killing people. That’s his conflict. 

This has, to me, two big problems attached to it. 

First, it’s a simplification of the entirety of Grantaire’s thoughts. It’s taking the cornucopia of drunken philosophy that Grantaire’s voice in the brick represents and replacing it with a single fear, which while very valid doesn’t reflect Grantaire’s true extensive complexities. 

Second, it takes away from Enjolras’s humanity. Enjolras is showcased as an indiscriminate machine of shooting soldiers while Grantaire is conflicted about having to do this and, in tow, makes Enjolras’s rejection of him when he leaves and gets drunk like a jerk move of an insensitive asshole. 

There isn’t a clear instance of Enjolras giving Grantaire a chance to do something before the barricade and Grantaire failing at it, with all the dominoes symbolism and all the stuff it implies. There isn’t a complementary set of complexities between each other. Grantaire seems to care about human life more than Enjolras does in this version, at the end of the day, because Enjolras’s speeches, even if carrying canon quotes, are inserted in a context in which he laughs while shooting people, knowingly sends Gavroche into danger and chastises Grantaire for being conflicted about human lives at stake.  

So, instead of representing Grantaire’s true complexity as a character, they chose to give him something else that they think makes him more dimensional, when, in reality, takes away from his (and Enjolras’s) worth as a character. 

All of this is very weirdly intersected with drunken jokes. Sometimes, the jokes and the behavior pays off and is inserted in good moments, sometimes they just don’t know when to stop and they kind of ruin their death scene with them, which is even worse considering it’s one of the few where they’re actually holding hands. 

Overall, I think this was a simplification of Grantaire, in a way, a simplification which falls apart without a solid context to exist in. And it’s a pity, because Turlough was good. 

4. Gavroche 

The only reason I’d want an immediate new adaptation of Les Mis is so we can cast this same Gavroche in a decent one. He’s one of the best Gavroches I’ve ever seen, hands down. 

In this case, the problem isn’t with his interpretation or how he was written, necessarily, and all time frame and socio-political simplifications aside, the problem is in how the context reacts to him. 

A lot of Gavroche’s agency is deleted in this version. 

For starters, his age is kind of all over the place at the beginning. He’s fine by the time of the barricade, but before it’s kind of a mess. As a result, he lives with his parents for a bit longer than necessary and the few times we see him on his own, being his independent self, are in conflict with how his involvement in the main events come to happen. 

It feels as if he’s been used in the barricade. When he’s off to find bullets, only Marius tries to get him back to safety, while the rest cheer him and laugh. 

His character is well performed and we get to see his personality and his situation when he’s allowed to act on his own, but within the context he’s inserted in, he seems more like a prop than a character. 

This makes it so that when he dies, you’re upset more so than sad. It doesn’t feel like a tragic circumstance born out of a lot of layers of social strife which culminate in a dead end for a kid who deserved a better life. It feels like every adult around him, every person he encounters, either neglects him, mistreats him or sends him into danger. It feels, much like with Fantine, like an easily avoidable situation. 

And things get worse with this guy:

Like I said in my summary, this David Harbour-ish soldier is the one who is shown to mercilessly kill both Gavroche and execute Enjolras and Grantaire. 

This is another layer in the modus operandi of an adaptation who uses social oppression and political strife as shock value rather than commentary and discourse. 

By personalizing “evil” in one stern, mean, unreasonable, power-hungry soldier, they’re villanizing (and trivializing) the social context as a whole. It isn’t about how Gavroche got to that point, how we as a society failed so hard that he has to die in that way. It’s just one bad guy. 

But then, they try to be fake deep about it, by doing that last scene with his brothers or by placing him alongside Mabeuf and Éponine but not explaining what that means, why those juxtapositions are socially relevant and important to the plot (maybe they don’t know why). 

Overall, this was such a waste of a great Gavroche that I just feel really bad. Reece deserved so much better. 

5. The barricade

Needless to say, this barricade was more of a mess than you would have expected. 

The lack of proper introduction to the political landscape, the clumsy exposition, the out of context shout-y speeches and the erratic behavior of its characters, paired together with the fact that it ends about 1/4 into the last episode, giving more time to personal drama than any of what happens in it, makes it one confusing mess. 

It’s also in the barricade where it’s super clear how visually similar this series is to the 2012 movie. A lot of visual choices are extremely similar, even when they didn’t need to be (Fantine’s and Cosette’s hair choices? the shots in the hulks? the scaled down yet very similar camera angles and movements during the entire fight? the color schemes of some particular scenes?), and it’s pretty heightened in this barricade. 

Which I wouldn’t care about hadn’t they talked crap about the movie during their entire PR campaign. 

Like I said, there were so many issues within the people involved in the barricade. With the women, with the characters, with the soldiers. There was also a very strangely set line between workers and students that they were very clumsy about setting yet didn’t get to do much aside from having the leader of the working class men leave when Enjolras prompted it. 

By the way, Enjolras was a lot less convinced about the whole ordeal in this version, which made his characterization even more confusing. 

The barricade had a lot of messed up ingredients and not enough time to even simmer. At least the musical, which doesn’t have a lot of time dedicated to the students either, has Drink With Me, which doesn’t only serve as a way to characterize different students and their beliefs and personalities (“Is your life just one more lie?”) but also brings some melancholic change of pace, a pause between the action. 

The highlight of this barricade, though, is Marius going apeshit with the torch. 

But, all in all, there’s no much we can expect from a barricade born of confused ideas and even more confusing characterizations. This barricade feels less like a climax and more like a thing they had to do because it was in the book. 

And don’t even make me talk about how they butchered my favorite speech. I’d rather not have it there at all, tbh. 

Conclusion: A writer’s ego

We arrive to the end of this long and boring trip through my thoughts. If you’re reached this point, thank you for your time. 

All in all, I feel like a lot of the issues of this adaptation stem from the fact that Davies thinks he’s better than everyone else and other men around him agree so much that they let him do as he pleases, without questioning anything. 

I can’t really understand how you’re going through the script of this and see some of these choices (like the dress shop scene, the carriage scene and let’s not even mention the peeing in the park scene) and you go, and I’m quoting Shankland here:

“Andrew’s scripts made these characters feel modern. That was nothing to do with having them speak in a very modern way or changing their behaviour, he just found the humanity and earthiness of it,” Shankland says, recalling a scene in which Fantine and her companions urinate in a Paris park. “I thought, ‘Oh god, they’re going to pee in Les Misérables, that’s exciting.’” Source

That just sums it all up, doesn’t it? 

After I watched this, I let some time pass. I watched all 3 fanmade adaptations that are currently out at this moment (back to back), revisited some of the ones I had seen before, read fics, read people’s articles and rants, looked into other adaptations on stage, from the classic ones to the more interpretative versions, and other current tv adaptations being done in other countries. 

All of those things are vastly different. Some are more similar to each other, some are widely different, but they’re all different points of view on the same canon. 

This is a canon that has some of the wildest possible interpretations coexisting. You can have a play centered on one specific character told through the songs of a specific album, a tv drama in modern times with a lawyer Valjean, a coffee shop au starring Les Amis, a parody comedy set in 1832, all happening at the same exact time. 

And that’s great. That’s fascinating. That means this book is still alive because we need it still today. 

Some days you’re in the mood for a heavily political adaptation which gives you goosebumps for setting canon in a context that is closer to your everyday reality, other days you just want all the Amis to live and have movie marathons cuddled together. It’s all valid. 

But what all of those adaptations have in common is that they aren’t trying to be more than they are. They aren’t acting brand new, they aren’t pretending they’re re-inventing the wheel or that they are smarter than Victor Hugo himself because what Hugo didn’t know he needed in the “psychology of the book” was a soulmate au or a documentary series. 

This adaptation, through what they said and how it was written, acted as if it was going to be the ultimate Les Mis adaptation to end them all. It presented itself as smarter than us all, as holding the keys to the meaning of Victor Hugo’s thoughts, as being able to fix his “mistakes”, fix other adaptation’s “mistakes” and deliver the best interpretation of canon possible. 

And it managed to be a sexist, socially insensitive, problematic, un-political, homophobic mess. 

Which, is a problem in itself, but even more so when the canon you’re adapting should be, first and foremost, against all that. It isn’t about how many brick quotes you use, it’s about channeling the soul of the story. 

[makeste]

Top 10 Fictional Spouses

*a wild meme appears!*

Stolen from @rikudera. Tagging anyone else who wants to do it because why not! Also I did it as a countdown and also rambled a bit NOPE, a LOT about why I love them and want to marry them because I can’t shut up, but this is not a requirement or anything.

10. Jon Snow (Game of Thrones)

It took 8 fucking seasons for this little shit to get his act together, but yes, I finally do want to fucking marry him and his perfect undead ass. If only he wasn’t currently boning his aunt. Haha GoT am I right.

9. Diana Prince (Wonder Woman)

I have trouble putting into words what I love so much about Diana (and the WW film in general). Like, I feel like it would have been so easy to screw her up, but they didn’t. It would have been so easy to fuck up that balance between her being a loving, caring, kindhearted person and a badass person who gets shit done. But they got it right. They could have leaned in way too much on the romance between her and Steve, and made the movie way too chick-flicky, but that, too, they managed to get just right. She just has this energy that I can’t describe. She’s not a masculine hero that happens to be a woman; she is a very feminine hero but she is just as strong because why wouldn’t she be? But it’s different from everything we’ve had before IMO and I want more of it so bad. And yeah I’d marry her in a heartbeat.

8. Gamora (Guardians of the Galaxy / MCU)

I. Love. Everything about her. Especially from Guardians Vol. 2 and onward, when she seems to have relaxed a little bit now that she’s found her place with the rest of the Guardians. I love how she’s so serious and mature and eye-rolling-at-everything all the time, but she also feels Thor’s biceps, and lip syncs along to “Rubberband Man”, and totally lets her guard down around Peter because she trusts him so much. THANOS DID HER SO FUCKING DIRTY OMG but I know she’s still hanging around in that Soul Stone so it’s only a matter of time before they figure out how to bring her back and I can’t fucking wait.

7. TYL!Ryohei (KHR)

TYL!Ryohei is a fucking gift to the world. We don’t deserve him. Somehow over the course of those ten years, he matured in ways I wouldn’t have believed were possible. Like, he’s still passionate and fired up and shit, but he’s also so much more level-headed and sensible now, and he’s a mentor and he’s in a (presumably) happy, healthy, and stable relationship, and just, damn. Like I would put him in a list of top ten anime guys who probably have great credit. I feel safe with TYL!Ryohei, and his great TYL!hair.

6. T’Challa (Black Panther / MCU)

There are a lot of male fictional characters that I love, but very few I’d want to marry. T’Challa is one of them because IMO he’s one of the only male characters in media right now that doesn’t adhere to all the same-old-same-old super masculine hero tropes all the time. How do I explain this without using the fucking phrase “big dick energy” ugh... Like, he doesn’t have to be in control of everything all the fucking time. He’s strong and stubborn when he needs to be, but not overbearing. He doesn’t think he’s the only be-all-end-all authority on morality (even though he actually does have a pretty good grip on it). He acknowledges when he’s fucked something up, and he tries to learn from it. He’s surrounded by strong women and he respects the shit out of them and gets showed up by them on occasion and doesn’t bat an eye because why would he? And I wish more characters were like this, but right now I can only think of three including him. There are probably more, though, and hopefully we’ll continue to see more.

5. Okoye (Black Panther / MCU)

Do I even need to explain this? Are there people out there who don’t want to marry Okoye? Nah I don’t believe you. The way she side-eyes T’Challa when he’s all “I never freeze” and then saves his ass and makes fun of it later but she also still loves and respects the shit out of him. The way she loves her husband(...? or boyfriend? wait I’m not sure) without making a big thing out of it, but then also during the film’s climax, when he tries to make it like “me or Wakanda though??”, she’s like “OF COURSE IT WOULD BE WAKANDA WHAT DO YOU FUCKING THINK” because she is the loyalest bitch. And how she tries to fall in line with Killmonger because it’s her duty, but also she helps Ramonda and Nakia and pals escape, and then later when T’Challa is back and all “I WAS ONLY MOSTLY DEAD,” she immediately jumps back aboard that train and she’s so happy. She’s so loyal and so dedicated to her duty but also has the best sense of humor and even when all the lines are blurred she doesn’t waver and she does what she thinks is right.

4. Jake Peralta (Brooklyn 99)

Hey so yeah Jake is one of the other two aforementioned Woke Male Characters Who’ve Gotten Over Their Egos and Are Better For It that I mentioned in the T’Challa part above. (The third is Steve Trevor. Like I said, there are probably more... at least I hope?? But I don’t watch enough new shit these days to really know.) I love everything about Jake. How he tries so hard at everything, how he goes out of his way to be such a good friend to everyone, how he’s somehow an idiot and yet also perfectly intelligent and good with computers and the fucking best at solving crimes. I love his sense of humor. I’m so weak for guys with a good sense of humor it’s not even funny. 500% bonus if they specialize in self-deprecating humor. Basically just marry me already Jake.

3. Sanji (One Piece)

SANJI. I could rant for days. I love him so much it’s almost intimidating to have to boil it down into one inadequate little paragraph. Just. He has THE WORST PAST EVER with a childhood so abusive and miserable I can’t even find the words for it, and yet in spite of all that he grew up to be so incredibly kind and loving and always wanting to make sure everyone’s needs are met. Not to mention he’s a complete badass? And also smart as hell (and Oda really needs to give us some more of that because I’ve been missing his saves-the-day-behind-the-scenes antics. I was hoping we might get some in WCI but we didn’t, and that’s okay but WANO IS COMING NOW SO LET’S DO THIS PLEASE). The only reason he’s not #1 on the list is because of the love cook nonsense, because it’s Japan and they have some issues. But if I’m honest, I’m totally willing to overlook it because aside from that quirk he is fucking perfect.

2. Rosa Diaz (Brooklyn 99)

My favorite thing about Rosa is that she’s super private and reserved, without actually being shy or antisocial. I feel like this is pretty rare in fiction. She doesn’t freak out or get anxious whenever she has to speak in public or meet new people or anything, but she also values her privacy and her personal space very highly and goes to great lengths to maintain it. She cares about her friends deeply, but she also isn’t afraid to tell them when they need to back the fuck off. And I can relate so much to that.

And oh yes, my other favorite thing about Rosa is that she is canon fucking bisexual, with a coming-out episode and everything, and I never knew how badly I needed to see that until it happened and I was like almost in tears? So yes. Rosa Diaz. She’s so cool and I want to be her wife.

1. TYL!Yamamoto Takeshi (KHR)

AS IF THERE COULD BE ANYONE ELSE HERE AT THE TOP. Yamamoto Takeshi. God’s Perfect Idiot. The pinnacle of human evolution. Confident without being arrogant. Loyal till the end of the fucking world. Sense of humor that’s fucking unrivaled. Flawless, strongest, and invincible. Literally the best laugh in the history of human existence. Seriously, that’s a fact. Oh, and also, the most handsome man who ever lived, probably. We’ll never know for certain unless you could time travel or something, but I feel like it’s pretty safe to assume. You can probably put money on that. But if you said it to his face, he would probably just laugh and say, “Ha ha, you think so?” with his hand behind his head all boyishly, because he’s so fucking modest on top of everything else, and excuse me but I have to go cry now because he doesn’t actually fucking exist, fuck my life.

Anyway, so this was fun but now I remembered why I stopped doing memes, because I don’t have a fucking off switch jesus christ. BUT THEY’RE SO FUN, THOUGH. Agh. Dammit.

[eleiszon-blog]

Extradimensional Chess (3/3)

The following is an analysis of the various players and moves made throughout Part 18, the final episode of The Return. It is the third entry in a trilogy, the prior entries covering Lodge-relevant events from Parts 1, 2 and 17. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We open on Mr. C seated in the Waiting Room. His eyes have partially reverted to their earliest cloudy state. He is in flames. I believe this fire is the ultimate, primordial state of a doppelganger and, indeed, all negative energy. A long-troubled David Lynch script, Ronnie Rocket, has had many of its ideas recycled into The Return. One of these ideas makes no explicit appearance but I believe it exists within Twin Peaks. “The entire stage is filled with a wall of fire 200 feet high.  Within the fire are thousands of souls screaming out silently . . . only the roaring of the fire.” - The first line of the script of Ronnie Rocket. I believe this fire of voicelessly wailing souls is what Mr. C shall join. Windom is there too. Chet Desmond, I believe, is also there. And I believe that fire is the metaphysical core of JUDY, the purest formation of negative energy. 

Mr. C is gone. We see MIKE salvage his gold core and, with a spark of e-lec-tri-city, join it to a bit of Dale’s hair to forge a new Dougie tulpa. This was at Dale’s request to satisfy Janey. Nice guy.

We cut to Jackrabbit’s Palace. Dark, empty. Dale was escorting Laura. She vanished. He is alone now - but not for long.

The Waiting Room. MIKE and The Arm. “Is it the story of the little girl who lived down the lane?” -- Audrey said something similar to this earlier. This post isn’t about Audrey but I think that line has to do with her. Another entry, that. 

Dale moves into a hall and beckons a gateway open. He has grown powerful in the Waiting Room. And with the scheming doppelgangers and BOB gone, he finally can go out.

Here in Glastonbury Grove, he meets up with a relieved Diane. This is the ‘curtain call’ at which he promised to meet her. I also believe this moment echoes across time: The appearance of the curtains at this moment is what Hawk witnessed back in Part 2. “Someone is here.”, MIKE said. It was Hawk.

“Almost exactly 430 miles.” -- 430 miles out is where Dale will cross. The Fireman told him this in a dream back in Part 1.

Diane is uncertain and urges pause to consider their options. Everything could change. Dale knows this. He is resolute. They kiss. They continue onward.

At a hotel, Diane witnesses a duplicate of herself. At this point, I must diverge briefly into The Secret History of Twin Peaks and more particularly the life and Work of Jack Parsons. Per the text, I believe Jack Parsons was destroyed by the fires of JUDY via the Black Lodge. He is in the howling wall with Windom, Mr. C. and others. Now, Jack Parsons once initiated a ritual he believed would summon an ‘elemental’. Immediately afterward, he met a red-haired woman whom he regarded to be this entity. For Twin Peaks’ purposes, I believe Diane to be such an entity, her hair deliberately reminiscent of the Waiting Room’s red drapery. I do not believe that this was always the case but that she became ‘touched’ by otherworldly influences throughout her ordeal shelled up as Naido. I believe that while Diane herself remains human Diane -- is it future or is it past -- this duplicate is a ’yet-to-come’ entity, wholly of the Other Place. As Jack Parsons did, we may call her the Scarlet Woman.

Cooper invites Diane to join him in the motel. The door is marked 7. As I’ve noted previously in an entry about Jeffries’ path through FWWM and The Return, 7 symbolizes seeking, searching for truth...In that entry about Jeffries, I offer that the numbers associated with Jeffries increase as his ‘rank’ in Twin Peaks’ world increases. He is ever more enlightened and knowing. This same applies here: What Dale does in this room will elevate him to a higher space than where he was before.

Dale and Diane lay together. He lies largely still while she seems to be desperate to obscure his face. Some believe this to be residual trauma about Mr. C violating her. I think it is simply the ever-encroaching memory shift. Diane is beginning to forget the ‘unofficial version’ and so what was a consensual matter with a man she loves is slipping into a strange and much darker territory as those memories fall apart.

The distress plain on her face is her realization of this slipping remembrance, her desperation to try to remember despite it, her shaky determination to continue despite the mounting fear of this ‘stranger’ taking her and the fear itself. Yes, this is a bad scene for Diane. Why does it occur? As noted previously, she has been marked by the energies of Another Place.  What is the end result of intercourse, generally speaking? Sperm shot into a womb which births new life. Diane’s ‘marking’ by those energies occurred during her stay in the Generator, a negative-creative space which (at least at first) bordered the positive-creative space of the Eternal Ocean. Metaphorically and also metaphysically, Diane is a womb comprised of pure creative energies. Add DNA (courtesy of Dale) to that and you get one hell of a conception.  “When will the new universes be born?” “Soon...” - That’s the ending dialogue of Ronnie Rocket. I find that idea fits exactly well here. 

Dale awakes in a different bed. He is alone. He finds a letter addressed to ‘Richard’ from ‘Linda’. She does not recognize him anymore. He should not look for her. Indeed, Diane’s memory faltered fully in the end and she has no recognition of this man anymore nor even who she was -- she’s “Linda” now. Or is she? Truthfully, I believe as Diane’s memories of the ‘unofficial version’ gave out, she lost the names she knew for herself and Dale, merely writing whichever ones came to her mind instead. Hm? Yes, my interpretation of this sequence is kinda seriously dark, thanks for noticing. I didn’t go looking for it to be though!

Dale exits his room. The hotel at large has changed as well. It bears some slight similarity to the hotel area of The Dutchman��s but I checked. They are not alike. 

Dale goes for a drive. He passes a diner which invites ‘Eat at JUDY’S!’ Many view this as a sign that this is a pocket dimension devised by JUDY to trap Dale. I do not follow. However, it may well be a sign that this space is innately nearer to JUDY. (Remember, the Fireman-JUDY conflict is one of balance VS. lack thereof.)

In the diner, Cooper deals with some antagonistic fellows in a decidedly un-Zen manner. Much has been made of this. I consider it only a personality-shift of some degrees. I once equated this change to processes of alchemy, the final stage of which is a balancing of opposites. He is more aggressive as Mr. C yet he operates slowly and repetitively as Droolcoop. The balanced result is a no-nonsense character of highly deliberated method. He’s still a good guy but he has much less patience fucking around with the bad guys. THIS Dale would’ve slapped Albert in the face for his uppity attitude back in season one.

After taking care of business, he obtains the address of an absentee waitress and goes on his way. Also he fried a gun which is pretty cool.

He heads toward Odessa. Texas. Yes, apparently, his new motel was also wildly relocated because he’s not too far from Texas now. Outside the waitress’ house, a familiar pole. I’ve detailed the meaning of ‘6′ before as relating to base, Earthly affairs. Carnal, animal. Black Lodge. The other numbers - with the 6 included - also match coordinates to the former site of the Trinity test from Part 8.

Now we meet Carrie Page. She doesn’t know a Laura or a Leland but “Your mother’s name is Sarah” gives her pause. Dale wants to take her to her mother’s house and, hey, she needs a ride out of town anyway.

Many note a golden ball of some sort in Carrie’s lawn. Dale’s latest pin is a golden circle as well. Perhaps a clue, perhaps not. As I’ve said before, I believe Cooper is becoming “the magician” of MIKE’s poem but perhaps in time he’ll also become one of the Dreamers living up in the Theatre.

A man dead on the couch. Headshot. A mantel with an animal statuette. “Woe to the ones who behold the pale horse.”

“I tried to keep a clean house...” This line plus her frazzled state, the ‘pale horse’ symbolism, the dead man... It reeks of a domestic abuse scene. The dead man was her husband. He was another BOB too, I’d wager. Carrie copes with bullets instead of cocaine.

The ‘Palmer’ house. And here, I’d like to note the number on the house. 708. Let’s travel back to Part 1. For a moment.

The sound of this device is the sound of Laura vanishing from the woods. Once upon a time, a particular breed of these machines was built to operate at 78 revolutions per minute. They were even called 78s. 708...0 is often a mathematical placeholder. Drop it. 78. Put it back in. 708. The Fireman’s line planted this connection: If you hear that sound, “find Laura” (per not-Leland’s instruction), go to 7-8(708). He even had a contingency plan if Laura were to be snatched - which she was.

Alice Tremond lives at 708. Sarah Palmer who? She bought the place from a Chalfont. We know Tremond to be a name borrowed from humans, as per the actual Mrs. Tremond living in that trailer Donna visited in season one. ‘Chalfont’ though is purely referential to that grandma-grandson Lodge couple. JUDY sent them to stall up whatever the Fireman had Dale set to do here.

“What year is this?” - Dale’s own memory of the ‘unofficial version’ may be slipping a bit here, or he may just be getting...Fuzzy. To reference Ronnie Rocket again, if I may, the key conflict of that script is reaching the villain at the center of a great city. The closer one got, the more difficult it became and the more ‘bad electricity’ would disorient and deter them. I consider this exactly the nature of what is troubling Dale in this scene. His ‘current’ is picking up static. Interference because yes, he is closer to JUDY.

Carrie gazes up at the Chalfont house. An echo from within: ‘Laura?’, Sarah Palmer calls upstairs to her absent daughter, from a world which no longer is but is still taking its sweet time to fade entirely. Carrie screams.

The lights go out. Inside the house but also, it seems, in the very world. It resembles, to me, the state of The Dutchman’s in The Return. And indeed, it is exactly that. From the Chalfont presence, the temporal anomaly (’Laura?’, straight out of the pilot), the darkened visual...It all connects. Indeed, we see the Dutchman flee from the store as Dale goes to meet Jeffries. If the Dutchman has taken hold of Sarah, the old Palmer house would fit for a new domain. After all, Sarah was overseer there as the Dutchman oversaw the store.The monsters set up shop here now and they clutched the fading strings of the ‘previous’ world to flood the old horrors back into Carrie’s head. But...Is it a bad ending? Well. Not really. I believe that Dale successfully peeled back another layer of this world’s cosmology. He is one ‘universe’ closer to a true face-to-face with JUDY. I think I used an onion metaphor earlier? Still counts. One more layer done. In accomplishing that, he won a battle --- but JUDY and her servants made their own moves and kept the war ongoing. 

We end on a slowed repeat of the Blonde Girl whispering to Dale. I believe the whisper is different again. An unfortunately scrapped line from the store meeting in FWWM has the Little Man proclaim “Any everything will proceed cyclically”. That is what she whispers now because, yes, there must be more cycles -- but, eventually and with perseverance, he will locate JUDY. Every cycle will bring him closer -- Jeffries’ “This is where you’ll find JUDY” is accompanied by an 8, suggesting that Dale requires one more cycle (his hotel room was marked by a 7, being the place where he would transition to that level) to achieve the Blue Rose’s aim of locating JUDY -- and thus every cycle will meet fiercer and more desperate resistance and offense...But he has made progress and can continue to do so. And so, it is a “victorious” ending in a small, optimistic-for-the-future way. Yet he must continue to fight, to struggle, to endure until he finds JUDY at the center of all. Until then, as the Fireman tells him...

[elizabethrobertajones]

13x01 Watching Notes

The common pronunciation around these parts for “Nougat” is "Nugget" FYI

There's a secondary mission here to find out WHY DID DABB TWEET "BUTT SHAKE"?

Expectations: I'd say a good 95% new plot action nonsense to 5% mourning and we've seen all of it in fragments because they're spoiling the good stuff to lure us in; we're doing well as a season if Asmodeus isn't horrifically hammy and looks like he'll be able to carry all the Buckleming episodes they'll surely shove him in, and Jack is either not a pillock or is clearly *supposed* to be a pillock and the writing reassures us of that, although I did start to warm up to him in those tiny glimpses of promo stuff so we might be good there.

Aside from that I'm so superbly chill about this season (not worried about Cas, assuming Mary needs to get back as well, I'm just going on trust that Michael is well cast based on the actor's fanbase after scrolling his twitter the other day and the fact he seems cool in the promo stuff in a way that does not make me nervous unlike the other 2 new characters, and like no preconceptions about what I need this season to be) that I've actually achieved what scientists may have thought was unpossible... I made it through an entire hiatus embedded in the heart of a wanky fandom and I don't really have strong opinions or needs for about what's to come :P

FUCK ME UP, DABB.

-

OH THE TITLE CARD IS GOING TO BE GOOD THIS YEAR

I say after just seeing "the road so far" because that looks classic. I can't remember which other season it most looks like because I'm way too hype but it looks good.

Gah I have the Worst Song Comprehension in the entire world WHAT IS THIS? There's just a montage of TFW hugs of various types going on and

"I never opened myself this way" and Dean in 12x22 opening up Mary and then the FREAKING GRENADE LAUNCHER MOMENT okay so the recap definitely is telling us the meta theme of season 12 in case we missed is so we're all on the same footing for season 13. This family loves each other a lot and we're busting down walls.

I watched the rest of the "road so far" then said out loud, "No. NO." as it wound up nursery first, because "no" are they not even going to show - OH SHIT IT'S THE SAME VIDEO AS THE ONE IN THE SUMMER. NO. We're ending this thing on dead Cas and Dean.

If this is how they mean to play it, I think I wanna take back that "fuck me up Dabb" from the previous point.

-

OH NO  I got tagged in a post like this last week about the bit in 8x19 where Sam goes into Hell and there's the woman there in one of the cages who is like "we've been waiting so long! You finally came!" and like... did I think she meant she was mistaking Sam for Lucifer, and I always think YES that is a GREAT reading for that scene and fuuuuuuck me I should have reblogged that post and gone looking for links to some of the other cool posts about that because that's like one of the small redeeming things about 8x19 to me, because that is just such a good creepy amazing Sam thing and also I am still so freakin bitter that Lucifer was Nick in the cage because he should have looked like Sam and 11x09 and 11x10 should have been Sam v Lucifer!Sam moments because where the FUCK did Nick come from...

Anyway you can probably guess exactly how far I've got into this episode aka 1 entire one word line but it's already completely fucked me up.

If you all don't remember my season 12 experience, yes I am the biggest Destiel shipper on the planet but I actually get super hype for good Sam plot stuff and I dug every moment of the season 12 Sam stuff about his powers and everything and this is a confrontation that *I* personally think was built up and due because of the evolving way it's going - they confronted his past, the parts he had no control over happening to him in season 12, and I surmised that season 13 ought to be about the parts that WERE in his control, and Sam coming to terms with some other old mytharc stuff that happened to him, the way he managed to fuck up the world on a cosmic scale that Jack will have to come to relate to and he can use to guide Jack...

So yeah, this is not the first time this has happened to Sam, but this is definitely the much much better, more potent way it's happened and I am DELIGHTED and we're 1 word into the season :D

-

*Dean stares at Cas* *stares at Cas* *stares at Cas* Yep I need to go shoot something.

-

YEAH GIANT FLOATING EYEBALL TITLE CARD I KNEW IT.

-

Sauron is the big bad, but where is the one ring.

-

More seriously fuck yeah that gives complete continuity between my watching notes from 12x23 to this one because I am pretty sure I stopped them (aside from final whimpering notes to wrap up) thinking about Sam and Jack with yellow eyes and how this all looped back to the start. And how that was the key visual imagery, the way that Jack had yellow eyes and Sam's whole legacy of that stuff - things I've been screaming about since 12x12 and how it all came back into the story. I mean the scream I made in 12x12 when Ramiel flashed his eyes is a noise I've sort of low-key been making right until this point and I'm just so delighted about this imagery being given such a central place because it's not JUST Jack's eyes, even though he obviously has the most terrifying yellow fire floating around in his eyeballs, the colour is a motif that takes us right back to the beginning in terms of the story...

-

HECK YEAH MARY -

wait

this isn't a recap going to a Mary scene

LOL SUBTLE DABB

This nursery, as we were saying after season 12 ended, is just *soaked* in the vibes of the original nursery from the show... I kinda think the bad energy in that place would probably have given Dean that nightmare ANYWAY but it's symbolically super relatable to everything that's going on, especially as he's got to deal with re-losing Mary, and Sam's dealing with the massive heap of themes about trauma from the Pilot onwards...

I'm sort of vibing with 6x01 re-doing the burning on the ceiling thing to re-start from the start (8x01 also re-started from the start but borrowed different imagery and also addressed Sam's arc through the Trials stuff hence the 8x19 thing and also him talking about how pure he was in 8x21) - obviously we have been saying this all seems like a season 1 re-do in a weird way, especially taking the Winchesters back to basics (but in an awful way), and I think for Sam, just meeting Jack under those circumstances we ended the season on were enough to loop him back to the start, because baby in nursery and yellow eyes blah blah, but for Dean his trauma in the Pilot was Mary specifically (and 1x01 separated out him and Sam that his trauma was Mary, Sam's was Jess - which 8x01 borrowed for Kevin and his girlfriend, because Kevin was always a Sam mirror and had glowing golden god power eyes when he was activated in 7x21)...

So yeah Dean just got a top up of Mary trauma because the fucking WEATHER around here is pilot mirrors.

-

I would assume also probably maybe that was a semi-magical nightmare but I would not fucking put it past them to just show us Dean having a bunch of nightmares and like 7x05 maybe where he woke up from a dead Cas dream, we get stuff like that to show his absolutely wrecked mental state so I'll hold out hope it was kind of just Dean's imagination tormenting him, because we've only seen his nightmares extremely rarely in the absolute worst situations.

Just as a "the show is about more than sam and dean" stance, fuck the shipping, it needs to be so obvious on screen that Dean is suffering from losing Mary AND Cas in a way where it's obvious the dynamic can not just be Sam and Dean any more.

-

OH NO SEAGULLS

(Uh, I mean, they are by a big lake, but yeah they are a bad bad omen. I think there was meta about them circa 10x14, to give an idea of how bad hearing seagulls is.)

-

Wow Sam and Dean are having a lot of bad sleeps now.

-

"Wait, was that -" "Lucifer's son." look, Sam knows how Jack started his life. That he has the concept of "father". That it's about all he's said and all he's motivated by right now apparently. Sam sounds pretty freaked out and putting a LOT of weight on that concept - not "Kelly's son" or "the nephilim" - the fact Jack was born, and asked about Lucifer, and then walked buck naked out of the room and now we ain't got jack on Jack, like... This is a Lucifer related PROBLEM.

I just say, because I am pretty sure Sam's gonna be defending the kid in a couple of minutes so I need to lay out all the thoughts on what Sam knows and his headspace I possibly can as I go.

-

Oh nooo Cas's truck.

And I tell you what, I wrote a meta after 12x23 about how it was impossible to work out where Cas's truck was parked in the entire final conflict, and there was no fucking WAY the Impala and the truck were within shot of each other. Well guess fucking what. They are easily contained within frame now. I know you could just say minor continuity error but that's not why I'm yelling :P 

I'm yelling because I was writing about how the placement of their vehicles shows their closeness to each other or other metaphorical things (such as the no personal space parking job from 9x10 where Dean then pulled away and left the pimpmobile behind) and aside from the super dusty car, I am pretty sure I am saying that Cas's truck has appeared in visible shot because now it's not getting in the way of the action they can use it to symbolically show that Dean and Cas's vehicles are basically flanking the shot - but also they're so far apart and the house, representing Jack, and Kelly, and how Cas died, is between them.

-

(This meta business is like riding a bike :D)

-

Nakey Jack getting the same walk shot as Amara did.

Amara got it because creepy feet.

He's getting it because penis.

-

Hey there's the pirate place Dean's going to punch.

-

Holy shit I have never laughed so hard at the show in my entire life. I had a coughing fit that's scared the neighbour's dog.

(wait, good laugh - 10x15 still owes me a drink)

Salty Butt Combo sounds good anyway.

(this must be why Dabb said "butt shake", the fucker. The absolute fucker. I am going to kill him.)

-

I'm laughing on a meta level too (I mean, hysterically, out loud, but also meta) because especially in season 8 burgers were connected to humanity and Dean's return from Purgatory, and Dean has a history on the show of eating cheesebutts all the time for various reasons... I mean... This is liiiitterally turning Dean's favourite, metaphorically significant, food into butts.

I mean... do I just... run with it? I mean like... is this the new meta thing? We now have to associate Dean digging into a burger with eating ass? I mean what are you doing Dabb?

I actually have a headache now because I laughed too hard and too loud.

-

Please please tell me Jack comes into this place, accidentally kills these dudes, and leaves a trail of destruction that when their supervisor gets to the store to deal with it, the police are like... trying to deal with the bodies but also cracking up a little and finally she looks up and it's like... HIGH SEAS BUTT COMBO

I mean that's going to make it into the newspapers

-

Oh wait, the inventor of the Buttshake is the guy from the police station that was talking to Jack so he's going to at least make it out of this scene.

-

See, that picture of Jack with pants on was in the PR photos and I was like "naaah" and defended that Jack did not have pants on and people didn't believe - no one understood. I knew this was gonna happen and because I don't lay down too much spec and what good would "Jack wanders around buck naked for like the entire first quarter of the episode" have done anyway so I was just making fun of him for being fully grown and naked in the hope that the fact he was naked was a major character trait because it was one of like 2 we knew about him... Yeah I'm feeling vindicated on a crack spec I can't really prove, especially as I was joking that Sam shames him into manifesting pants but I mean... I knew. Guys, I knew.

This has gone from horror to stoner movie classic in about 2 minutes flat.

-

I fucking love this show.

-

ALL THE CREATIVE WAYS THEY HIDE JACK'S NAKEDNESS THOUGH.

I am gonna make a gifset if I can stop cry-laughing for long enough

-

"Hi baby! .... *How naked*?"

Yep.

-

I mean I think it's adorable that Jack wandered down to the nearest place with more people to make enquiries but this is also wigging me out a bit because I thought that the smart thing to do would be to give him like all the functioning knowledge for this world (I do remember a post going around Tumblr that babies learn like 6x Les Mis amounts of words in the womb) BUT start him from scratch but that it would be super hard to pull off, and essentially they've decided to do exactly what I thought was going to be the most intelligent handling of the situation but not exactly the easiest, and he seems to really have been born with a single motivation and the most basic understanding of the world that his little baby cosmic supercomputer brain is going to have to piece together the entire world from context cues and natural intellect to deal with the rest...

I'm all for it as long as they handle his progression well. And don't use him as the ... butt ... of the joke.

-

I assume we all know the butt thing was because Jack is naked and it was joking about the fact he's wandering about butt out but they can't show it so they're just like butt butt butt on the menu board instead.

-

Promo scene! Oh no! We're not thinking about it. Not over it from last night. Dean is piiiissed.

-

Sam saying he had it under control is interesting now we have seen the actual scene in question. Sam did not really have it under control. He was babbling uncertainly like, no I'm not your father and also btw that freaks me out because he HAS possessed me before and being mistaken for him is SUUUPER uncomfortable and he's the reason for like 100% of my trauma past and present, and you're freaking me out... And yeah, between scenes he's decided they can't hunt Jack, that even if he seems to be laser focused on finding his father there has to be hope for him. This context is important: That Sam knows Jack's motivation and what it MEANS on a deeply horribly personal level and is defending him anyway. (I mean that "anyway" in the context of what Sam might think or feel rather than from my perspective where I can see it all from space and obviously Jack is not just any of this and anyway he'll be hunting with them sooner or later and there's presumably hope for Jack in this world...) But yeah, Sam knows how it is, searching for your father, for one thing. Which, interestingly, costuming aside, I don't think there's been MAJOR John and Lucifer parallels (hilarious that Lucifer changed his clothes just in time) in the same way that like, God and John were paralleled at a major narrative level. But now Jack wants to find his dad, which is the season 1 motivation for Sam and Dean, and that makes Lucifer and John narratively paralleled.

I don't think Sam is necessarily defending that Jack came out the womb with a one track mind to find Lucifer (maybe he wants to kill him, we haven't asked the guy his opinion yet) but that of course he thinks Jack can be reasoned with, saved from himself, and Sam relates heavily to being given powers beyond your control, and that there's hope for Jack to have a normal-ish life etc. None of which can be accomplished by just killing him outright.

-

Dean's just mad because Cas is dead and none of this would have happened if not for Jack

There's literally NOTHING TO META over on the Destiel side of things

-

I am feeling the void that they just left Cas there while rushing out to deal with Jack but I guess he's such an urgent problem Cas can wait and the house is remote enough that the milkman isn't likely to come round and see Cas lying dead in the back garden.

-

"Before he hurts anyone else" - he barely hurt you guys, it's more like he banged you up a bit and it was obviously a terrifying display of power and you don't want him to do *even that* again but - I mean - Dean, honey.

-

those words are going to be my approach to him for a while I think :P

-

That sheriff car really pushing the Twin Peaks vibe just because of the mountains on it... Was comparing it last season... Watched Twin Peaks for the first time shortly before the finale and caught Dabb just outright stealing an entire line from one of its episodes.

-

Either the police station is super close or Jack has been unintentionally terrorising the guys in the pirate restaurant for like an hour while just staring at the sign. He's thinking really hard about ordering the salty butt combo.

-

So we're really pushing how creepy Jack is. I mean, duh, it's the first episode and the first like 5 minutes of his screen time so he'll smile scarily for us.

They definitely cast him well for looking like Kelly but also having a really evil looking smirk.

-

Oh no. Cas.

They said Dean put the sheet over him and he's indoors so I guess that scene just happened in between things although right now we have no context for that so unless the angels say they didn't move Cas inside and put a sheet over him we don't have anything but actor confirmation this was a thing that happened, which is, of course, meaningless currency but makes for good headcanons... 

I mean I paused it on his dead face and went "waaaah" so I need to watch the rest of the scene but this is where I'm at going into it anywho.

-

Nope, one angel had to ask which means they are investigating the house which meeeeans that this was how Dean left Cas and it's implied by the subtext that this is what happened in one of those "the subtext isn't an ineffable cloud of possible happenstance, they just didn't show it on screen so this fills in the blank for us" ways and I am not okaaaaaaaaay

Also we have them as our straw man angels - one saying he deserved better (LOL I HOPE ALL THE CAS STANS ARE HAPPY THAT'S BEEN SAID IN THE STORY) and one who is saying he didn't. Representing that Heaven is conflicted about Cas's actions and that some still revered him and some still loathed him.

-

Also the one who hated Cas called Kelly a "Brood Mare" so he's a dick and I hope he gets stabbed pretty soon because we know there's angel stabbings in this episode, and I just was not paying any attention whatsoever to them in the spoilers.

-

So the clothes Jack ended up in were spares from the police station. The kid who worked at the pirate place has come along with them because fuck responsibility (he is so the bad influence cool guy and I hope Jack kinda gets a little puppy love crush on him although he's calling Jack weird still...)

That statement that no one is weird but normal in their own way was really nice though. Positive influences around Jack! Yeah!

-

Hahaha they literally said "Lost and Found" for where the clothes came from. Subtle. Jack's lost and found - he's a spare thing left behind, to be collected by the original owner or taken by someone who needs them more.

I used that phrase for a fic title back in season 12 about Mary about how she had been lost and found - died and came back - but also how she felt lost in the world now and then was found again when someone who related to her situation bonded with her and - okay it just turned into Charlie taking Mary back to her place and them making out but the point is that's the emotional tone I was using the title for. I assume it also applies to Jack's emotional state, but he hasn't been "found" yet and I'm assuming Sam will do that for him, but I don't think they'll go back to their place to play video games, drink a few beers and learn the ways of luuurve.

(I know some people were (crack?) shipping them but even though Jack's an adult now and technically only like... well, the actor would be within the window to have a thing with Sam and for it not to be weird age wise, but the whole framing of it... Jack acting like a grown up baby... yeah. We'll see how it goes but the dynamic wider fandom has built for them has been with Jack as a child. The way I see it is more the intern dynamic if he joins up with TFW, but the way they relate to him will have to be as a child by necessity at least until he's demonstrated emotional and intellectual maturity to them, and even then I think the impression will linger for a while...)

that was a weird side note... these notes are a disaster. Look it's been MONTHS and I didn't do rewatch notes for season 10 over hiatus like I meant so I am out of practice at this.

-

I also took a short break to chat with Mittens to confirm I wasn't going crazy, that WAS the same song as the other video they released in the hiatus, and yep we got the Nothing Else Matters destiel music video as the season opener. No I haven't processed it yet :D

-

Oh gosh Jack remembers his mom (HI KELLY, RIP) and he says she's in Heaven (can't recall his surname), and that memory was basically the footage from the USB stick, so he's internalised that somewhere without watching it. It's 2 influences, good and bad - a pure perfect dead mom (booo tropes the show was supposed to have ditched dramatically via Mary) and a literal satan father who "should have been there" but wasn't - ironically removed from the narrative by the reformed pure dead mom from last season, Mary. These are the two biological influences on him, anyway. The 2 sides of his nature he may struggle with and the way the conflict may be framed for him.

Buuut and here's a thing that might be contentious. So he knew Lucifer was supposed to be there when he was born and that he has to find him? He seems to have had that low level awareness of the world around him even in the womb, or at least was born with messages or some sort of communication from Lucifer lingering in his subconscious. Lucifer seemed linked to him while he was in the womb and I suppose this confirms it may have run both ways. Bleh.

The Jack As A Blank Slate characterisation is good because it excuses his actions from season 12 as done without knowing intent as he's still figuring it all out now, but these lines do implicate him in the actions, by giving him a sense of at least semi-awareness, of having a missive from before he was even born, knowing that he was supposed to find his father.

I think that also goes with Kelly leaving him the USB stick with the message on it - he has a missive from both his parents. Kelly's of course being so positive and hopeful for him, and Lucifer just kinda... being threatening to his goodness by wanting to be anywhere near him.

-

OH GOSH and he remembers burning Dagon. He did have an awareness of what was going on towards the end of the pregnancy!

"I remember the universe screamed" well that would be opening the AU I guess

-

yeah the thumbprinting thing isn't going to do much good :P Blank slate imagery again - he's not on the system, he's new!

-

Oh boy the stoner movie kid is going to have a wild ride explaining this.

Jack's getting better at full sentences though.

-

*blink blink*

-

And that was the Invention of Sarcasm.

Or he was telling the guy how stupid he was like... I have a superior intellect. I know this is a chair and this is a floor and this is the planet earth. Thank you, moronic human who keeps asking me the most obvious questions ever, it's really helping me collect my thoughts and begin to understand my environment. Are all humans as stupid as you?

-

Uhoh, the "I'm hungry" did not bode well with Amara. But is this going to be a fake out? He didn't seem about to attack the guy for his soul, so is he just going to have a whole ton of junk food when we get back and the guy is like yeah I knew he had the munchies so I raided my stash of M&Ms I keep here and it's all good.

I really can't tell how much of Jack's story is Ominous Nephilim Shit and how much is Stoner Bro Movie Lols

-

Here's the context about the curly butt fries line and destroying the world. People took it literally and it always seemed like this would be the context that Dean was putting fake words in Jack's mouth because he does it ALL the time. Like the line about getting bored of croquet so you know what's really fun? MURDER. I love it when he does this. I need to make him do it more when I write him.

-

Anyway Sam understands Jack, he can guess his location. Dean is doubtful and *specifically* mentions torching Chicago I think because of the 5x21 reference to his pizza date with Death. I think that is actually a good comparison because cosmic being but one who was a good ally in his own massive cosmic way. It's a nice omen. Dean is being wrong/right with his sarcasm. It's complicated :P

The fact he is letting Sam go in there also means he doesn't think that Jack is in there probably because the shack is still standing. Sam is going to go find clues! But while they're sitting in the car and Dean's sending Sam into a shack alone I can't help but remember 2x21 which was of course where Sam got snatched in a fast food shack and Dean asked for pie and it aaaaall began. I also wonder why Dean punches the sign and that makes me think that something might happen to Sam somehow although I can't guess how.

-

I have never related to anyone more than Drunk Fries Girl except I've done it in reverse, just missing the deadline on hashbrowns in McD's and stomping out of the store instead of just ordering fries :P

-

Sam deals with the awkwardness of asking for a tall naked guy with a level of composure Dean wouldn't manage in a million fucking years.

That's the entire meta.

-

You were right, Sam!

-

Sam's asking after Jack as the FBI and it's a way to not have him act as his father on the phone. But the thought occurred to me and I wonder if it passed Sam's mind or if he's judged Jack's age that they're not terribly far apart - less than 10 years.

I don't think they're really playing into this comparison right now anyway - like it was just for the opening scene, or the sheriff would have asked, "are you his father" and put Sam into the awkward position and THEN have him say that he's an agent.

-

This is literally the best exchange in the entire show because Sam is having to pretend to be FBI while talking about Jack, with Fries Girl and Over Enthusiastic Pirate Guy watching, and his eyes just went to the cheesebutt menu and he saw it and he did not laugh on the phone. 

I think Sam is strong and brave and of pure heart and fuck the "trials" or whatever the fuck shows the measure of a man, he just passed through the fucking abyss and came out the other side because he didn't laugh at Cheesebutt.

And, look, I laughed at the cheesebutt thing and the way it reflects hiiiilariously on Dean and the burgers thing. We all laughed at it. But Sam just blinked off in short succession a gay accusation and the urge to laugh at cheesebutt like it didn't even fucking affect him and I am just

I

Dabb

what

-

At the end of 12x23 my only conclusion was "i have been mindfucked"

and I thought

maybe season 13 will be you know... normal

Dabb it has been 15 minutes and I am so fucked up about everything :P

-

And now we cut to Dean with his messed up knuckles. Did he just go punch something off-screen?

(You know, the pirate sign that he punched in the promo for a totally random out of nowhere example of punchable things in the vicinity)

I hope he's not coping so badly that we're getting it in angsty flashbacks because that blood was not there before. And angsty flashbacks basically mean Destiel is canon.

OH NO FRIES GIRL IS HERE.

The drunk are an open and friendly people... Is she going to get Dean to open up? She's literally infodumping her life story on him because she's been up all night and her feet hurt and no one will give her fries, and I think she's about to fucking put the moral of the season in Dean's head somehow I don't know yet because I have literally paused because I was contemplating removing the dash between me bitching at Dabb for the wonderful fucked up episode and this commentary on it :P

Yep she told him that she punched Becky's stupid Elsa poster (what is Dabb's deal with Elsa from Frozen? Does he have a small daughter we don't know about that inflicted Let It Go on him in a loop? :P) and lit all her stuff on fire and started rambling about just burning the world down in her rage.

And then called Dean sensitive to Sam and this is amazing because her drunk wisdom sees right through his shit. I love fries girl.

-

I LOVE Fries Girl, she wrote "bitch" on the car :D :D :D

was THIS why Baby is all dusty? People are writing rude words all over everything this episode. I mean it's like a theme. A theme of desecration and burning the world down around you and who gives a flying fuck about consequences - you can change all the menu items to Butt because your mom's the sheriff and banging the guy who owns the restaurant or whatever, and if your roommate is a bitch, burn down all her things.

I mean then she writes it on the car which is sort of ominous about all their stuff being burned up.

I mean Dean did have that dream about Mary

He's lost Cas, that's his world burning down around him.

-

It's... Look, it's weird they have put off whatever Dean did in the intervening time Sam was eyeing up the cheesebutt menu to show later because we know we see it later because there's a hanging "what happened to your knuckles" question and we saw the clip in the promo. It's a storytelling decision to delay this, and we just see Dean dealing with it by drinking, splashing some alcohol on the cuts, and that's that for now.

What a fucking mess. Dean. Honey.

I suppose to keep the action flowing we deal with Jack but Dean's emotional story is running alongside it and it's being put off, held back... but it's not being held back forever. It's going to be opened up to us. But for NOW we just see kinda what Sam and outsiders see - the same thing I was meta-ing about the promo scene, about how they kept us outside the car for that conversation, about how we're not being allowed into Dean's grief and not being able to name Cas is another thing, another delay, another inability to confront it, just... we're outside, we're watching Dean struggle from afar. From Drunk Fries Girl POV.

-

This episode is fucking magnificent.

-

Maybe Jack is eating Clark, which is the name apparently of the kid.

-

Or are they laughing?? I think I heard laughter?

-

LAUGHTER and the munchies fake out.

I love you Dabb.

This literally says EVERYTHING about Jack and I now trust him completely.

-

Jack's first part of the story has gone from ominous to what a fucking cutie. He might not actually be a stoner but he's adorably sort of mascot-y to this guy and it's just hilarious that he can be like fuck the system I want candy, let's misuse my powers to get more candy because I love nougat. I mean I was wrong that the world would be saved in 13x23 because of trousers because that was a joke but I am legit thinking that this Human Things redux arc for Jack is going to save us all because fucking nougat. And that's a serious spec you can hold me accountable for at the end of the season.

The fact they're sitting on the floor giggling together is just sweet. Jack is learning about friendship so I doubt he would hurt Clark intentionally now, so if Clark does get hurt by Jack it's going to be a tragedy. Maybe something to show Jack how dangerous his powers are and make him want to be more careful and respectful to human life. I think Clark maaay be in the firing line as an adorable toy that gets mangled because Jack doesn't know how rough he's playing >.>

-

Also Jack you should probably not eat so much candy, because you'll get sick.

-

OH NO JACK. Is angel radio messing with your head?

-

OH NO he hurt the sheriff!

-

OH NO this is how he does the lights blowing walk? IT's AWFUL. PROTECT MY CANDY LOVING GIANT MAN BABY.

-

SAM TASED HIM

NO

-

I am so upset. I apparently am extremely protective of my Nougat and angel radio hurts him and they're yelling about him and want to kill him and he's sensitive too :<

(whatever wizardry Dabb wove with the stoner movie subplot worked.)

-

Sam and Dean are not hailed as heroes for stopping Nougat, they're arrested to and given the first ever proper search to confiscate all their guns and knives by a cop who knows what the fuck she is doing. Now Dean has to answer for themselves, using his real name and actual job. He's not got a fuck to give.

-

She asks him if he's a superhero and some part of Dean just crumbles away inside and he says no. In 9x07 especially there was a strong theme of Dean being a superhero and Thinman also had superhero comparisons to them and it was part of the shine of the job wearing off - one of the more subtly horrible Dean moments in season 9 is that superhero action figure melting on the hob yelling "I clobber evil!" into a horrifying mangled sound. I think I just saw his face convey the exact same symbolic awfulness just in his eyes. Fuck you Jensen.

Note to self: gif that if somehow or other someone else hasn't yet.

I mean it's all shattered because the illusion is gone, Dean has nothing left to live for, he's just a guy doing a job. There's no meaning, no personal glory, no one to do it FOR. He's just the tool that gets it done because it has to be done, because what fucking benefit does he get from any of it if the job is also just watching everyone he loves die. That doesn't make him feel like a superhero that makes him feel like total bleak nihilism where you might as well just be upfront and dead inside and tell the truth because what's even the point of lying.

This episode has a lot of nihilism but some of it is fun buttburger style and some is killing me inside :P

-

Also Dean had to confirm angels are real, and the look on his face when he does THAT is ALSO AWFUL. Because everything is awful.

All that baggage where confirming angels are real he knows what people think. He knows what HE thought. He knows how what he thought was different from what other people thought about angels (see: the entire conflict between him and Sam in 2x13) and what angels eventually became to him. That one angel WAS watching over him. That there was one who broke the pattern and was ... Cas.

Help.

-

I tell you what I thought while I was getting dinner... This is the first time I've felt like we're in a show run by the guy who helped create Plucky's.

This is the tone. This is the exact right mouthfeel for Dabb era. This is what it SHOULD be.

-

FINALLY the Sam and Jack confrontation we deserve!

Sam is getting through and chatting! Jack is talking about why he was scared which is nice and symbolic about sharing and caring feelings for better communication and understanding!

Sam's still scared of being in the same room as Jack, flinching when he moves, much like when he's around Lucifer. He's legit scared of a thing and Sam is the biggest badass hunter in the world (like, no offence Dean, you have an impressive and showy history but in terms of brute strength and raw badass mofo power it's Sam :P He's Sam Fucking Winchester and you have a much more personal, over-dramatic flair to the big kills and such)

Jack moves forward intently because he doesn't know that this much eagerness is a trait stamped out of adults, and sits cross-legged, childish, but still imposing. He's learned cross-legged is a fun way to sit and I'm really liking the choices here to make him both naive and powerful.

-

He's fucking sitting with the Mr Burns hands i knew it i knew this was going to be a trait of his, I called it from like 2 promo pics. God damn I'm good at reading body language from just a few stills :P He's exactly what I was expecting but in full 3D animation.

It's just... a cute weird trait. He doesn't know what to do with his hands so he just rests them where they are and lets them hang, because he doesn't have any tics or mannerisms. He's mannerismless. He's so new he hasn't got the faintest trace of social anxiety. This is a raw, undamaged soul.

I am going to weep when Nougat gets hurt in the bits that make him so sweet.

-

See now he's apologising for hurting people.  He sounds so confused when he says "I'm sorry" like he's sounding out the concept but the great thing is he's learning 1000 miles an hour. Anna told Cas he doesn't know what it is to be sorry and Cas still struggled with it in season 7 in the "playing sorry" game and only in 9x11 expressed that he truly understood empathy and human emotion now. Jack tries on an emotion for size, discovers it, and now seems to be fairly earnest about it.

-

Sam: *blink blink*

Sam was RIGHT. <3

-

Hahahah he says Kelly is a part of him. Another point for me! That was one of my specs for how he got to learn English and concepts so fast - that the reason it's fatal to birth him is because he's going to not just absorb the basic baby stuff like nutrients and stuff but he's going to suck her dry of facts and concepts and that's what destroys her. It's like what Amara did but far more complex.

Damn, I'm sorry you had to die for this Kelly, this is a pretty terrible idea in some ways. I better not overthink it.

He just said that his powers are him but not him - he sees them as something other from himself. The whole deal that he needed to be born powers and all, that taking the grace was taking a part of him - yeah. The Cas argument about his grace too, that it can be removed from him and he'll still be Cas, the grace is just power... If Jack sees it as a separate part of himself, a "Not Me" part of himself... That's a huge thing.

-

Oh my fucking GOD He thinks Cas is his FATHER OH NO OH NO OH NO OOOH NOOO.

(Also thanks a LOT people reading along with me for not telling me. Look, the analysis about Sam thinking it was Lucifer and Dabb's BIG Nougat Fake Out build up were all like... how it was meant to be read :P I guess that's why they backed off the father thing for Sam immediately after using it in the one place it would hurt the most.)

I mean Cas did basically act as the co-parent with Kelly and I am pretty sure our Nougat has some lines crossed here and OH MY GOSH DABB YOU MAGNIFICENT FUCKER

See when I said they were making Jack look SUPER FUCKING CREEPY when he was naked at the drive in obviously that was a fake out because I knew he was gonna be hunting with them later but oh my fucking fuck de fuck I want to go back and watch Jack's bits all over again where he's wandering around naked (as Cas is wont to do) asking for his father because FUCK.

He's born as Cas and Kelly die and now he's wandering around asking for Cas and that whole opening, that whole build up where he seems sinister... He remembered Cas all along... Oh gosh I said some things about him back there... I should go back to that scene immediately.

...

I nearly cracked a fucking joke that Jack doesn't have a last name just like Cas and it turns out that scene was a joke about Jack not having a last name because Cas is his father and HE doesn't have a fucking last name.

I hate everything.

"I'm trying to find him. I have to find him" YEAH SO JACK IS ON THE "WHERE IS CAS" TEAM AND THERE'S ANGELS SAYING CAS DESERVED BETTER, I THINK DABB HAS BEEN READING THE BLOGS AGAIN. 

Jack picked Cas to be there to be his parent and guide when Cas said that thing about being his guardian to show him the righteous path and Jack heard it from the womb and was like YES I CHOOSE YOU PIKACHU and that was that, Cas was his father now. Found family in the extreme. Who is the best family, the good family? I'll have that one please.

Oh gosh and now it's sadder that the sheriff was asking for a phone number or address because Cas HAS those. He has a HOME.

...

Anyway back to the Sam and Jack scene, which I already watched through but I want to watch AGAIN DAMMIT.

Gosh this is magnificent though because it puts Cas so squarely in the middle of everything - even though he's dead he's Jack's focus and he's Jack's moral centre and everything that is good about Cas is what Jack wants to beeeeeee and oh my gosh is he going to choose the Winchesters to be his new guardians because they were Cas's family? HELP ME.

-

I'm still kinda not over Jack completely becoming Kelly in the womb and being born by sucking her goodness out from the inside.

What a godawful parenting metaphor/commentary on the mother's sacrifice.

-

Oh and the door to the other world thing as the lead in to talking about his father? I was so sure it was going to be about Lucifer and then -

oh god I am in pain.

Because he diverts from talking about the portal to talking about needing to find his father to protect him and I was like A: well you need the portal for that and B: nooo, Nougat, you don't need that fucker in your life! and then -

oh.

Ow.

-

Anyway Sam's face while talking about Cas is just... ARGH. And Jack's so earnest and happy about Cas protecting him and how he had to grow up

-

And then poor Nougat's face when Sam tells him Cas is dead and he's SO ANGRY. And THAT, my dear Nougat, is how you get to the lovely position of being furiously vengeful against your birth father in order to avenge your chosen father and I am delighted.

Cas is Jack's Bobby.

-

OH NO Clark has gone out to smoke with headphones. He's so gonna get angel murdered if Jack's not gonna kill him (because he is a soft squishy nougat person) and then Jack's going to be even more hurt.

STOP HURTING JACK.

-

FRIES GIRL IS AN ANGEL.

-

THAT'S NOT A GOOD THING.

-

SAM, TELL DEAN ABOUT THE CAS'S SON THING.

HE SAID LUCIFER'S SON, THAT'S NOT HELPFUL.

I suppose Sam doesn't want to convey that to Dean because he knows how Dean is with concepts he hates because he's currently flippantly talking about killing "Damien" out back rather than engage with the subject matter, but tbh I think bringing up Cas would be such a knock to the feels that Sam might be able to get in the line that "this kid seems to have a Cas-guided morality" while Dean is still emotionally picking himself up.

-

AHAHAHA Dean said "that won't do jack against her" - he's still using "jack" as a phrase

-

Dean's Becky... what a surprise :P Maybe Fries Angel writing "Bitch" on the car wasn't subtle enough.

The angels find Dean an annoying roommate whose drama they're always having to deal with.

Mittens just reminded me I wept about 9x07 to her and the poor melting action figure and how the angels want to burn Dean down. I am not okaaaay.

-

OOOH we're getting angel radio now because Jack's our in!

I don't think their eyes normally light up to communicate with it but new season new rules and this must be a mechanic we're dealing with more than just this one example.

Poor Clark - Jack briefly had a friend, learned to sit cross legged and eat nougat from him, and now his friend who made him laugh is dead. It's a HARD LIFE being a Winchester.

-

Also the main Winchesters are getting smashed up

Wait Dean just got back up with STYLE. Nice fight

-

Hey Clark is still alive-ish... Maybe Jack can heal him.

-

OH NO BANISHING HURTS NOUGAT TOO.

That was some great quick thinking by Sam.

Guess walls affect it or Fries Angel was too far away.

-

Fries Angel needed to stick around to deliver some Destiel exposition that she knows Dean's first thought to "Jack can do anything" was not "I will use him to reopen that portal and get mom back" but "I will get him to resurrect my dead angel" and just immediately goes from that to crushing Dean about Cas's death

"Castiel, he's dead. All the way dead. Because of you."

That is.. the worst line

-

"Or what, Other One?" Jeeeze the angels really do have more of a beef with Dean about the whole Winchesters thing for some reason. That really means in a couple of lines of exposition that every time heaven has mocked Cas about The Winchesters they really have meant Dean... Just, you know.. remember who wrote the eeny meeny miney mo scene for a sec, back when he had to be subtle about Dean calling Cas but that just being a random happenstance to what the angels were talking about, essentially :P

-

Oh no she stabbed Nougat!

I assume he doesn't die because... you know.. spoilers.

-

He's got his own Cas-like pull the blade out moment, but... Wow.

-

HOLY SHIT SOMEONE SAID THE LINE "I'M FINE" ON THIS SHOW AND MEANT IT

IT IS A NEW ERA

NOUGAT IS THE HERALD OF BETTER TIMES

-

Poor guy is stunned and confused and a little hurt though.

-

Oh no Clark is fine but going to hospital. I mean I assume this means doctors will help him. His mom is telling him he'll be brave and so on.

-

Poor Nougat is so sad about how horrible this world is. Cas isn't here to protect him and Sam and Dean just did a moderately adequate job at fending off the angels while getting the shit kicked out of them because angels are scary and powerful again.

-

Sam tries to bring up the keeping Jack thing again and Dean's like yeah we can keep him but he's evil so I guess that means you clean up the mess a la taking a puppy home? 

Dean's still convinced Jack is evil and brainwashed Kelly and Cas - it's kinda more terrifying that he BECAME Kelly and absorbed her, and I do think he chose Cas to be his father and none of it was malicious, and they gave him the love and promise of protection he needs to be good and all and it's a billion times more nuanced than Dean thinks... He's being protective of Cas, depressed about their life and their chances... I think he's going to be pretty wrong about Nougat because from 12x19 it was obvious he had chosen Cas BECAUSE Cas was good and would protect him. Even when he didn't think he could do it himself. So I think Jack, uh... motivated Cas... because he wanted him... Like, I still think Jack did shit to Cas because he did creepy shit to Kelly which we're apparently going to move on from because he is an adorable squishy guy who I want to follow with a blanket and a stick to beat off people who will wear him down. But yeah, 12x19 is super weird and I don't *like* the method Jack acquired his mom and dad, even if I do think that he's not evil and the end result seems extremely positive if he popped out the womb determined to find Cas, and has a Cas-centric morality. Loving Cas is obviously the good and best thing you can do on this show and it's vindicating in spades he's a nice guy because he loves Cas and considers him a father for the protection he offered.

(Still think if he was pure good to start with he'd have SAID "hey I plan to be born a full grown adult, you don't need these diapers" but that WAS what caused him to open the rift so maybe his attempt to warn Cas went astray... :P)

But yeah I still find Jack "choosing" Cas to be his father and to create that bond out of nothing, almost instantaneously, to be a little suspect in the happenstance of it, even if as I've been saying all along I have been completely open to him turning out to be, well... Nougat.

-

But Dean doesn't care, he wants to kill Jack. "At least the only people he can hurt there are you and me" WOW DEAN.

WWWWOOOOOOW.

-

OH NO OH NO OOOOH NOOOOOOOOO O OoOOOOooooOOOooo o Sam is saying "are you sure about this Dean? It's Cas" - I assume in reference to burning him rather than burying him and Dean's gonna be like, Fries Angel said he was dead as dead. 

I don't wanna see it.

"You don't think I've tried that" OH NO

Here's the flashback! Told you it was coming! (You have all seen this episode no one is mad enough to wait 18 hours just to watch for the first time with my notes) But yeah as I was saying, sidelining Dean's emo stuff to focus on the action, to set it aside, to put us away from it, to keep it back for when it would hit most. To do some god damn STORYTELLING around here. Some fucking ardfgjhlsksdfhjklslhfdjqp storytelling. That when all the action is done, when Dean has been ground down into a fucking paste by this day, the day of having to come to terms with the loss of Cas, when we know he went off to have some private punching things time and Sam was being the least gay to possibly gay in the comic stoner movie side of the story, Dean was having a moment SO POWERFUL that it could ONLY be conveyed to us by not showing it happening until we were deeply, truly, in the context of Dean mourning Cas and where we could focus on that with nothing left to distract us that this is the Worst.

-

.... I have been sitting here not pressing play for over 10 minutes

-

OH NO

I have paused it immediately

because they used the camera angle from Baby

the Roadhouse one

and the one from the fight where Cas was on the phone

-

so uh

Add hysterical weeping to the things this show makes me do because I was one stoic snarky hahaha isn't this ridiculous Jack planned to adult all along so the diapers thing was a massive prank kinda person and then bam Dean went out back to pray and I was scream-crying and then he said Cas was his everything and I am never going to be chill again

-

Okay, Chuck… or god, or whatever. I need your help. See, you– you left us. You LEFT us. You went off. You said… You said the earth would be fine because it had me… and Sam, but it’s NOT, and we’re NOT.

We’ve lost everything. And now you’re gonna bring him back. Okay? You’re gonna bring back Cas, you’re gonna bring back Mom, you’re gonna bring ‘em all back. All of ‘em. Even Crowley.

’Cause after everything that you’ve done, you OWE us, you son of a bitch. So you get your ass down here and you make this right, right here and right now.

Please. Please help us.

-

Thanks Mittens.

So.

Uh.

-

First name basis with the guy upstairs: this is a personal appeal in case he ever actually cared. (Spoiler alert: I don't think Dean is going to come out of this with a better opinion of God)

*I* need your help. Not we, *I*. This is on Dean's behalf for Cas.

He brings up the line which we went into Dabb era on and I ripped to shreds critically at the time that Chuck ever put that burden onto Dean because he has some broad ass shoulders but they are not big enough for the world and his whole problem is he's always been carrying it in the first place so Chuck didn't do SHIT to make him feel better AND NOW DEAN IS CRITIQUING THE CARETAKERS OF THE EARTH IDEA. THAT IT SHOULD NOT BE HIS BURDEN. MAYBE NOT BECAUSE HE CAN'T DO IT BUT BECAUSE HE SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO DO IT. He was singled out as the firewall between light and dark but he doesn't feel like a superhero. He doesn't clobber evil. He's being STRIPPED DOWN AS A PERSON. WHO EVEN IS HE. WILL DEAN QUIT HUNTING? JESUS CHRIST, I SAID THAT LINE IN 11x23 WAS AWFUL FOR DEAN BUT I DIDN'T THINK DABB WAS GONNA GO *THERE*

And he says the world isn't fine - and they're not. Their emotional state reflects the world. The centre of the universe thing, in the storytelling, makes the world reflect Dean. His misery or happiness is on a cosmic scale. This tangledupness of him in the middle of it all is killing him because the world will be in danger and that can't all land on him. He can't be the Atlas of this world. But he is. OH how he is. But this isn't a world with superheroes. Just HUMAN GUYS DOING THEIR JOB.

And then the transition. The terms and conditions. The "you have given me a fucked up burden so pls unfuck it and here's how" swinging around from "everything" to "him". The implicitness of it all. The... The fact everyone knows it's about Cas. It's not about Mom. It's not about Crowley. He can say their names. He couldn't say that Cas was dead. Fries Angel immediately identified it. Cas is the answer to all the questions, where all roads lead. And they've come back to the house where he died, FOR Cas, and Sam asks about praying and Dean has already asked and got no answer, already been told Cas is permadead, and THIS is where we deliver the bombshell. Everything flows into "him".

Cas is Dean's everything.

And yeah he wants Mary back and fuck it fuck you God fuck everything just fucking include Crowley to because why the fuck not, you owe me. All that pointless stupid death and loss, it's enough to make me feel bad that Crowley is gone.

And oh the wank over the summer he would ask for Crowley back too (and I smacked the desk and hooted with laughter, with tears still in my eyes, reeling from the "everything" line because I called the way Dean would ask for him back. I knew it!), it just... Even Mary doesn't compare because she's tacked on in the repetition, the clarification that everything is him is Cas. And it's totally fine for Dean to ask for these others he's lost back, for them to be in the same sentence as Cas, because yes he lost them and it hurts and it's awful, but there is a very special awful reserved for Cas. The kind of awful where Sam has to pause and ask Dean if he's sure, if he doesn't want to find a way to bring him back. And we ALL know we're not supposed to bring people back because there's consequences. We're all adults in the room, they both have done it, seen and FELT the consequences for having it done TO them. But Sam knows. He just knows what happens when it's someone like Cas. And maybe we don't have any more bullshit, we just ask politely and carefully if this is going to be a "bring them back at any cost" situation, and how can I help?

And then at the end of the prayer Dean cracks out the exact look and angle of expression for his Plea To God face that he has used... once. In 5x14. When utterly at the end of his rope. This is what losing Cas has brought him to - the lowest point, the one back in season 5 that was a danger to the guardianship of the world lumped on Dean's shoulders, because it was where he was when he nearly said yes to Michael, the despair cycle he couldn't deny any more at the time... Yeah, this has kind of seen and waved at season 7 on the way to hurtling all the way back to the Worst Dean Has Ever Felt To Date.

-

Nice.

-

And Dean has given up all faith in God ever helping them or caring about them.

-

OH NO

NOUGAT

Sam has taken him to see his dead mom. :(

Time to grapple with the concept of loss.

*beeps her big toe*

Oh Nougat I truly feel bad for you now. Look at his big soft face. He consumed her to gain his life and powers and his intelligence and his GOODNESS and oh no that means he's gonna feel baaad about it.

-

But Dean is downstairs with Cas, alone. Can this episode get any fucking worse.

-

THOSE SERIES OF ACTIONS QUALIFY AS WORSE I AM WEEPING AGAIN.

Oh god Dean.

You should have told him.

You should have fucking told him.

-

Oh Nougat you... sweetie. He has no clue what to say. :(

Sam tells him to say thank you, because he devoured Kelly, and to say sorry.

-

Oh Sam, he's crying for Cas as well.

-

OH NO Dean's so defeated about Mary it's just... UGH.

I assume these are the first things he says today where he gets immediately proven wrong - I assume the last scene will be a hop across the universe lines.

"They're all gone"

This is simultaneously the best Sam stuff in 1000 miles of canon and the worst Dean episode ever and I am in agony.

-

Yep that billisecond of footage was completely right. Sam is sad, Jack, who we didn't see, is struggling sweetly with the concept of death and what it means and how to act and feel right now, and Dean... has checked the fuck out.

-

RUN, MARY

-

I LOVE HER.

-

FUCK YOU LUCIFER BTW

-

Ugh her face is like mine when he says he needs her. The shot looks like the fucking Titanic poster. I'm assuming they do not get very far before Michael gets involved, though.

I'm gonna go back to ugly-crying about the rest of this.

-

This is Dabb's best solo episode hands down. I laughed, I cried, I struggled with the complex philosophy of being human and if you should consume your mother from the inside out in order to be born as a full-grown man.

I think I'm keeping Nougat.

[racingtoaredlight]

The degenerate’s guide to college football TV watch ‘em ups, 2019 season, week 2

Now do you want to read about college football or do you want to listen to your wildest fantasy of Jeffrey Epstein conspiracy theories in a podcast format? If you answered “college football” then click to read more! If you want to listen to an incredible podcast that will feed your absolute worst inclinations towards nihilistic disillusionment then click right here! True Anon is really all I’ve ever wanted in a left-leaning shitfest. I cannot recommend it highly enough.

Now for the football. Hell, the CIA is behind this shit, too. The highlight of the week for me is the line on the Bammers game. No way Saban holds up his end of that bargain. Why the fucking hell is there even a line on that shit?

If you’ve read this nonsense before you know the drill. If not, the times are eastern, the schedule is ripped from FBSchedules and the gambling informatics are per Vegas Insider dot com. Degenerate football can alternately mean football that you only pay attention to for purposes of gambling or the low-level, barely FBS, preferably late night types of games that play for stadium crowds in the hundreds and TV audiences in the dozens. It doesn’t have to be college ball, the UFL is my true ideal of football degeneracy. If you gambled on that you are my target audience. Onward and downward we go.

Saturday, September 7

Matchup                                                                   Time (ET)        TV/Mobile

Ohio at Pitt                                                                11:00am            ACCN

Wow. What a special game. It’s got a one hour headstart and for what? Goddamn is this trash. Why is ACCN not just an extra ESPN channel? SECN and Longhorn Network are just parts of the ESPN app but ACCNe is just off by itself inaccessible to 90% of the country.

Southern at Memphis                                              12:00pm  WMC-TV / ESPN3

There’s no line on this game so just check on it to see what’s going on with Memphis. They beat their secret rival The Racist South last week but scoring less than 20 is weird for them.

Rutgers at 20 Iowa                                                    12:00pm              FS1

This being a conference game is funny. Maryland and Rutgers being in the B1G is funny. And stupid. Mostly stupid. But that’s why it’s funny. Take Iowa even at -19 because it’s Rutgers.

West Virginia at Missouri                                          12:00pm           ESPN2

Speaking of dumb conference stuff, both of these teams belong in the Big 12. That’s the true spirit of college football and it’s completely akilter. Is Mizzourah the good offense out of these two now? Everything is wrong. I wouldn’t touch a 14-point line in either direction here but over 62.5 seems worthwhile.

Vanderbilt at Purdue                                                   12:00pm            BTN

These are the same team but one has Rondale Moore. Otherwise there is no difference.

UAB at Akron                                                               12:00pm          CBSSN

I don’t like the beloved CBS Sports hosting a MAC team even if they are hosting UAB. Why did the o/u drop from 55 to 46 over the course of the week? That’s odd. I’d have to check with our dear president but I don’t think Ohio is in the path of any hurricanes.

21 Syracuse at Maryland                                             12:00pm          ESPN

From the bottom of my Georgetown-born, VA-burbs raised heart I hate everything about this game. I would love to see Syracuse lose even if it means Maryland winning. The odds have flipped crazily from opening Syracuse -5 to now having Maryland -1.5. Take the turtles.

Army at 7 Michigan                                                      12:00pm           FOX

I saw ESPN talking up Army last night so go all in on Michigan to beat the ever-living piss out of the troops. -22.5 is nothing.

Bowling Green at Kansas State                                 12:00pm            FSN

Good lord, no.

Charleston Sou. at South Carolina                            12:00pm          SECN

This is cancelled, right? If not pound the under.

Cincinnati at 5 Ohio State                                           12:00pm           ABC

Cincinnati sucks but count on Fickell to make an Ohio State University look bad one more time. Bearcats +16, book it.

Kennesaw State at Kent State                                     12:00pm        ESPN3

I think Kennesaw is the Welsh version of the British Kent. I could be wrong about that but who cares?

Old Dominion at Virginia Tech                                     12:00pm        ESPNU

VPISU should be better by now. I’m wrong a lot but it’s possible I was really wrong about Justin Fuente. Betting on ODU sounds like a bad idea but I fully endorse it.

Western Carolina at NC State                                       12:30pm          RSN

There is no reason to bet on a game like this. This is practice.

NIU at 13 Utah                                                                 1:00pm         Pac-12N

I could be wrong but off the top of my head I don’t think Utah usually covers in the first four weeks of the season. This is a guess you can use in your gambling.

Fordham at Ball State                                                     2:00pm         ESPN3

Blocks of Granite for the win. Book it.

USF at Georgia Tech                                                       2:00pm          ACCN

By my count Georgia Tech covered last week against Clemson. USF just hung out in a trash can for 60 minutes. Yet the Bulls are favored here. Charlie Strong was once a hot commodity that programs all over the country coveted. Hindsight is absolutely hilarious.

Tennessee Tech at Miami (Ohio)                                    2:30pm          ESPN+

There’s no line but I’m loading up the wagon for the Golden Eagles. This is the big auto mechanics school, right?

Southern Illinois at UMass                               3:30pm     FloSports / NESNplus

I, uh, guess, uh... Don’t watch this under any circumstances. Pack a cyanide pill if you must.

Southern Miss at Mississippi State                                3:30pm         ESPNU

This is an appealing bit of misery but there’s no chance I watch it. Miss State -16.5 seems crazy against anybody. I think.

12 Texas A&M at 1 Clemson                                             3:30pm          ABC

This is statistically expected to be Clemson’s toughest game and they’re still favored by 16.5. The money looks to be going towards aTm but I can’t shake the notion that Clemson is going to absolutely maul them from the get go.

Central Michigan at 17 Wisconsin                                    3:30pm         BTN

I don’t trust Nick Saban to do what’s right by gambling folk but Wisconsin is different. If they don’t humiliate undermanned opponents that means they are a bad team. -35 is the kind of line you see when the Badgers go for 80+.

Charlotte at Appalachian State                                          3:30pm       ESPN+

You’re on your own with this one.

Eastern Illinois at Indiana                                                   3:30pm        BTN

See: Charlotte at Appalachian State.

Grambling State at Louisiana Tech                                    3:30pm      NFLN

Is there a way to make a throwback game between Doug Williams and Terry Bradshaw take place here?

Illinois at UConn                                                                   3:30pm    CBSSN

Oh, come the fuck on.

25 Nebraska at Colorado                                                      3:30pm     FOX

The two Big 8 programs that benefited most from 5th downs are facing off on national TV representing the B1G and Pac-12. That’s horrible. Nebraska being a top 25 team but also being favored by only -4 against this version of Colorado is what is known as a paradox.

Richmond at Boston College                                             3:30pm  ACCNE xtra

No line. What cowardice.

Murray State at 3 Georgia                                                    4:00pm    ESPN2

Pound the under.

UTSA at Baylor                                                                     4:00pm       FSN

Go UTSA. We’re all rooting for you.

Western Illinois at Colorado State                                      4:00pm     ATTSN

Man, this is all trash. Not even the good kind.

New Mexico State at 2 Alabama                                          4:00pm      SECN

The predicted score by way of gambling is Bama 60, NMSU 5. Saban is pulling his starters in the second quarter, though, so put a buck or two on New Mexico State just for the hell of it.

San Diego State at UCLA                                                     4:15pm   Pac-12N

This is Pac-12 After Dark/CBS Sports fodder playing in the sunlight. Both teams might explode, literally.

Northern Colorado at 22 Washington State                       5:00pm  Pac-12WA

Pac-12 Washington? That’s a channel? Washington State lookd good in week 1 so hit the over (63) and see what happens.

ULM at Florida State                                                             5:00pm      ACCN

Oh, Willie. Poor, poor Willie. Why, Willie, why? Monroe +22 looks pretty good to me.

Gardner-Webb at East Carolina                                           6:00pm     ESPN3

Yeah, buddy, now we’re into it. If this game happens. I think it’s not happening. But if it does? Man, oh, man. You know what I mean.

Maine at Georgia Southern                                                  6:00pm     ESPN+

Why would you think Eagles could beat Black Bears? That’s crazy.

North Carolina A&T at Duke                                            6:00pm   ACCNE xtra

Let’s go A&T, beat the devil.

South Dakota at 4 Oklahoma                                               7:00pm   FS PPV

What lunatics are paying for this? You should feel ashamed.

Jackson State at South Alabama                                         7:00pm   ESPN+

Lots of bodybag games, even at the lower levels. I hate it.

Wyoming at Texas State                                                        7:00pm   ESPN+

Kind of beautiful but you’ll probably have to squint to see it.

WKU at FIU                                                                             7:00pm    ESPN+

Get your shit together, Butch. Now. Stop embarrassing me.

18 UCF at Florida Atlantic                                                     7:00pm   CBSSN

Oh, now this - THIS! is what CBS Sports is great for. What a shitty game that I love like a long lost child.

Tennessee State at Middle Tennessee                                7:00pm   ESPN3

Too Tall U vs. MTSU is cool in a way but it won’t be a fun thing to watch.

North Texas at SMU                                                               7:00pm   ESPN3

Spencer is visiting ms621 and my people are expecting a lot of scoring in this one with the lawyers coming out on top. /suggestive eyebrow raises

McNeese at Oklahoma State                                                 7:00pm   ESPN+

Chuba Hubbard should get about 8 touches so watch early if you’re watching at all.

 Furman at Georgia State                                                        7:00pm   ESPN3

Man, this is a long list of boring crap.

Eastern Kentucky at Louisville                                          7:00pm  ACCNE xtra

Other than the 24 fumbles I thought Louisville looked pretty good last week. Not enough to tune in for a minute of this but maybe they can fine tune some of the difficult football activities like “snapping the football” and “holding the football close to your body” or “handing the ball to the running back” against Eastern Kentucky and then when they pop up against Clemson later on it’ll be worth watching.

Coastal Carolina at Kansas                                                   7:00pm   ESPN+

Les Magic: Kansas is favored to start the year 2-0. Not by a lot, mind you.

BYU at Tennessee                                                                   7:00pm   ESPN

Nobody tell Bergie but I’m rooting for the Mormons here. Gotta go for what makes the most people feel the worst about sports.

Tulane at 10 Auburn                                                                7:30pm   ESPN2

Is Auburn rising in the polls enough to make me bet against them at home -17 vs. Tulane? It sure is. Auburn is just as chaotic as LSU but not as funny about it.

UT Martin at 11 Florida                                                          7:30pm  ESPNU

Fuck the Gators, man.

Western Michigan at 19 Michigan State                              7:30pm     BTN

Sparty, too.

Arkansas at Mississippi, Oxford                                         7:30pm   SECN

I am on a descent into hell here.

Buffalo at 15 Penn State                                                       7:30pm     FOX

If Notre Dame is next I’m hanging up on this post.

Eastern Michigan at Kentucky                                             7:30pm   SECN Alt.

Whew. Hill people that can only intermittently football. That is a huge relief right now.

Liberty at Louisiana                                                              7:30pm     ESPN+

Fuck the Falwells, and not in a good way.

6 LSU at 9 Texas                                                                    7:30pm      ABC

There is one ironclad rule in college football gambling: never bet on an LSU game. Those who fail to heed this rule will never see longterm winnings. Oddsmakers keep pushing the line towards LSU and I agree wholeheartedly that’s where the expectations should reside but would you be even sort of surprised to see LSU blow this entirely and lose? No, you would not. Neither would I.

Nevada at 16 Oregon                                                           7:30pm     Pac-12N

Oregon is favored by 24 and my very cursory impression of these two is that Nevada is a straight up better team than the Ducks. Granted, I’m really bad at this, but that +24 looks like easy money.

Stony Brook at Utah State                                                   7:30pm   Facebook

Not even a great QB talent is worth going on facebook.

Miami (FL) at North Carolina                                               8:00pm     ACCN

Pound the damn under. Also, ESPN talking heads are all on the UNC to upset train so put whatever money you have set aside for this contest on the Hurricanes. 

Prairie View A&M at Houston                                              8:00pm     ESPN3

That one good recruiting class is mostly a memory for Houston at this point but they’ll still be fun to watch once D’Eriq King and Dana Holgorsen get on the same page.

UTEP at Texas Tech                                                              8:00pm       FSN

Wasn’t Texas Tech supposed to run the ball more this year? One week in they’re leading the country in passing. Maybe they ran the ball more and it still wasn’t very much.

Tulsa at San Jose State                                                      9:00pm      ESPN3

This is the kind of game that should be played in a prison yard.

Arkansas State at UNLV                                                      10:00pm  Facebook

This is the kind of game that shouldn’t be played.

California at 14 Washington                                               10:30pm      FS1

I do believe I’m the span of this game away from getting fully on board with UDub rolling the Pac-12 again. The only team with similar talent, as far as I have seen, is USC. But there are a long list of other issues with USC.

Minnesota at Fresno State                                                  10:30pm  CBSSN

This is the kind of stupid game I love but I think I’ll be watching Pennywise the Dancing Clown at this point.

23 Stanford at USC                                                               10:30pm    ESPN

USC should just fire Clay Helton now, win or lose.

Northern Arizona at Arizona                                                10:45pm   Pac-12N

It would be very Pac-12 of Arizona to lose this game.

Oregon State at Hawaii                                   11:59pm     Spectrum / Facebook

I guess facebook is there to scoop from the most bootlegged team in college football’s illegal audience but I still hate it. Hawaii playing at home two weeks in a row means pound the over even at 77.5. It’s not like Oregon State plays defense, either.

[secretsandsin]

Based on this prompt from the kinkmeme here. Wrote this ages ago but then forgot about it, so super late fill, sorry. OTL

The hunt wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. Rogue behemoth blah blah terrorizing travelers blah blah blah. They’ve heard this all before.

The only thing that really stood out about this request was the astronomical reward attached. Apparently, this behemoth was particularly vicious and prone to attacking anything moving into its territory.

But by this point, they’ve been eating nothing but toast and cup noodles for days and even Gladio was starting to get sick of them.

Nobody protested when Noctis accepted the hunt.

Predictably, it wasn’t an easy hunt. Like, top five worst-hunts-ever material, right up there with the extra friendly marlboro and the flan that smelled like week old gym sock left to marinate in pit sweat.

Sure, they knew behemoths were generally violent and aggressive. This one just seemed extra violent, and also really really angry. Ignis theorized that perhaps it was near mating season. To which Gladio countered with, “I really don’t want to think about these things fucking.”

Which. Point taken.

No one really had time for idle conversation after that. One distraction could cost them, and as their supply of curatives was as desperately low as their food supply, it just wasn’t worth risking. Even Prompto (carefully) put his camera away, though he did pout about missing awesome shots of ‘a behemoth large enough to rival Gladio’ beforehand.

(Gladio threatened, “I’ll show you large!” to which Prompto squeaked, “Sexual harassment! I need to find an adult I can trust!” and Ignis gave them both a smack and an exasperated glare.)

It’s a good three or four hours later before they can sense the end of the fight, the great behemoth’s strength finally dwindling down before it collapses with a roar. Despite the blood pooling beneath it and the deep gashes on its body, it still struggled to get up and move, seemingly in a random direction since none of its attackers were there.   

(“Maybe we blinded it,” Prompto suggests. “Maybe it’s just dumb,” Gladio snorts.)

Noctis was the one who dealt the finishing blow, a clean slice to the underbelly, sliding through the blood with a grimace of disgust on his face the entire time. The behemoth’s dying bellow sounded almost sad and until the life left its eyes, it continued trying to get up, its muscles twitching even after death.

“I need a bath,” Noctis proclaims, trying to find something to wipe his bloodstained hands on. Unfortunately, every inch of him was just as bloodstained, so he walked up to Prompto and casually grabbed his shirt.

“Dude! Gross!” Prompto swats at him half-heartedly, too tired to really put up much of a protest. “Gah, you really do need a bath. You reek.”

“Yeah, well. Maybe we can switch roles and you can be up close and personal with the giant, bleeding monster and I can shoot at it from a distance.”

Prompto pretends to consider this. “Nah, I think I’m good. You can’t be a knight in shining armor without your trusty sword!”

Noctis snorts, slumping down against his best friend’s shoulder, ignoring his indignant squawking. “If anyone’s a knight, it’s Gladio.”

“He needs a shirt to be a knight.”

“What? Since when?”

“Since always, duh. It’s in the handbook.”

Completely ignoring the younger two’s antics, Ignis approached the behemoth corpse, already analyzing which parts they could make use of.

“Hm...it is a cut to the digestive system but, thankfully, a clean one. The bacteria shouldn’t have spread much.” He straightens from his inspection. “Gladio, a hand, if you please?”

“Guess I’m on butchering duty again?” He hefts his greatsword onto his shoulder with a sigh. “Maybe I should just wield a giant butcher knife from now on.”

“Nonsense. That would just look silly.”

They stayed for the additional thirty minutes it took for Ignis to be satisfied that he had stripped all useful parts off the carcass. By then, the sun was just starting to dip below the horizon and Gladio suggested they camp instead of driving all the way back to town, despite numerous protests.

(“Gladio. Did you miss the part where I am literally covered in blood? And so are you!” “Creek’s up that way. I’ll even let you go first, princess.” “Uck! What if there are leeches like last time?” “Then maybe they’ll clean off all that blood faster.”)

Ignis pacifies them with the promise of behemoth steak on rice for dinner and the four stomp onwards in search of a suitable camping location.

The good thing was, the rampaging behemoth scared most other things off its territory. The bad thing though, was that all the surrounding vegetation was decisively squashed looking and therefore, not all that great for hiding a campsite from magitek troopers flying overhead. And of course, there wasn’t a camp ground to be seen. 

(”Man, someone needs to reroll their luck stat.” “Can you stop being a nerd for like two seconds?”)  

Instead, they stumble upon a cave, disguised by low hanging tree branches and almost invisible but for the well-worn path leading up to its entrance.

Ignis reasonably points out that now was perhaps not the time to take on any potentially dangerous things living in that cave. Prompto chimes in that “dude, everyone knows hidden caves are where all the best items in RPGs are!” Noctis just wanted to find a place to pass out for the day.

And so Gladio ended up with little more than a flashlight and a ‘good luck’ as he went into unknown and potentially dangerous territory. So, business as usual.

Fortunately, the cave didn’t extend that far back, although it was a fair bit larger than it looked from the outside, with soaring ceilings that could house a building. He spent too much time looking at the ceiling, he didn’t realize there was something on the ground until he almost stepped on it.

Good thing that ‘something’ squeaked at him before he could crush it.

Looking down, he spots some sort of nest, a bunch of leaves and grass bunched up to make the stone floor a little softer. Looking closer, he sees three wriggling little bodies in that nest, one of which he’d almost stepped on.

He squats down to take a closer look, shining the light down to chase away the shadows. The three whatever-they-are’s are a weird purplish color that triggers a faint sort of recognition in the back of Gladio’s memory. They resemble newborn puppies mostly, their eyes barely open and squinting at the light in his hand. The squeaking is coming from them, high pitched sounds that he refuses to find cute until he’s 100% sure these things weren’t dangerous.

(Watching them attempt to reach his shoe in clumsy, wobbly movements lowers their odds of being dangerous to maybe 1%. Could still be poisonous.)

“Gladio? Did you find anything?”

He stares at the furry, squirming beans trying to climb his boot.

“...sort of?”

It is Ignis who identifies them as behemoth cubs, probably not even two weeks old. Not much is known about behemoth young, he says, because their mothers are often much more territorial until the cubs have opened their eyes and can start feeding on solid food.

It is Prompto that makes the connection, freezing in his quest to coax over a cub with his finger.

“So that behemoth we just killed…”

There is a short silence. Noctis suddenly becomes much more aware of how covered in blood he is.

“Oh, Gods.”

They stare down at the newly orphaned cubs crowding around Gladio’s foot. They look so tiny and helpless, it was hard to make the connection between them and the vicious monster they just hunted down.

One of them lets out a big yawn and is so shocked by this, it overbalanced, squeaking as it waves little paws in the air.

They could practically hear Prompto’s heart breaking.

“We...we have to do something, right? Since we...you know…” the blonde trails off awkwardly and waves his hands in a manner that probably is supposed to suggest the brutal murder of the cubs’ mother. “We can’t just leave them!” He turns pleading blue eyes at the others.

Ignis shifts on his feet and adjusts his glasses. “Prompto,” he begins, voice softer than normal, “I know it’s hard to envision right now, but these cubs will one day grow into monsters like their mother and then other people will have to hunt them down.”

‘So we should just kill them now’ goes unsaid.

Prompto’s lip trembles but he nods anyways. “I-I know, but…” He looks down again, where the cubs are clumsily pawing at each other in order to win the spot on top of Gladio’s boot.

“We don’t have to, um, kill them, right?” Noctis speaks up, “We can just leave them here and maybe they’ll wander off and not bother people anymore.”

Prompto nods with downcast eyes. “Y-Yeah. Maybe they’ll be hermit behemoths when they grow up!”

No one points out that leaving them at this age would effectively be killing them.

Satisfied that there was nothing else in the cave, they get ready to move on. Gladio gingerly moves the cubs aside before backing out of the cave, apologizing in his mind. Killing them now would’ve been a quicker, kinder death, he thinks.

It’s not until they’re a few feet away from the cave entrance when they realize that the squeaking isn’t getting any further away. Turning, they see all three cubs tumbling over each other and tripping over their own oversized paws to chase after them.

“Uh, Specs? Why are they following us?”

If Ignis is annoyed at suddenly being the designated behemoth expert, he doesn’t show it. “Perhaps they’re hungry?”

Gladio glares as the cubs run straight up to him. “Oi. We’re not food.” But they didn’t seem to be attempting to eat him, they just sat and cuddled with his boot some more.

What the hell.

“Oh, wait!” Prompto snaps his fingers. “Maybe it’s like that thing baby ducklings do! The, um…”

“Imprinting?”

“Yeah! Maybe they imprinted on Gladio because he looks like a behemoth!”

“Okay Blondie, come here and - “ As soon as he moved his feet, the squeaking came back, the cubs scrambling around until they found their anchor again.

It was cute in a I-need-to-punch-something-to-feel-manly-again kind of way.

“Hm. Perhaps the imprinting theory isn’t too far off the mark.”

“Oh, c’mon Iggy, not you too - “

“Gladdy’s a daddy!”

“Alright, you know what, you little punks - “

Maybe it was all the shouting or the anger in Gladio’s voice, but something set the cubs into a panic, alarmed squeals filling the air as they huddled behind Gladio’s leg until all that could be seen were tiny masses of shivering fur.

He takes a deep breath. “Look. We already said we can’t help them. And it’s not like they can follow us either.”

They stare each other down, nobody wanting to voice it out loud.

Ignis coughs delicately. “I have heard behemoth veal is especially tender.”

“Iggy!”

“Well, we were planning to eat their mother,” he says, pragmatically, “That’s hardly any worse.”

Noctis looks a little green in the face. “Ugh. Not sure I want to eat behemoth any time soon. Or ever.” Prompto nods his agreement.

“So who’s going to...you know…” Prompto makes another vague gesture at the cubs.

They all glanced at each other.

“Nose goes!”

And of course Gladio gets the short end of the stick (the nose? Whatever).

“Fine!” he growls. “My steak had better be the biggest piece out there, you get me?”

Prompto looks a little nauseous. “No arguments here, buddy.”

He summons his greatsword and looks down at the shivering mass at his feet. One of them lifts its head, staring at him with wide, yellow eyes. It opens its tiny mouth to give a happy chirp, its stumpy tail attempting to wag. It wiggles its way out of the cuddle pile to place two small paws on his boot.

His sword comes down.

The thud as it hit the dirt made three little bodies jump, but any fright they might have felt was quickly forgotten in favor of chewing at the hem of Gladio’s pants.

“I can’t do it.” Why did they have to be so darn cute?

Ignis gives a long-suffering sigh that still somehow managed to sound relieved. “Well. I’d imagine we’ll come across a wildlife center sooner or later.”

Prompto and Noctis high five.

With little choice, they turn back for the Regalia, conspicuously avoiding the area where they took down the earlier behemoth. Waiting for the cubs to scramble their way on their own is cute, but time-consuming, and with night fast approaching, Gladio is forced to pick them up and carry them in his jacket-turned-crib. Luckily, they are perfectly happy to be carried and Prompto expresses, once again, his urgent need for his camera.

Behemoth cubs are very snuggily, Gladio discovers.

They make Ignis throw out all the behemoth meat, much to his disappointment.

They learn many things in the first week they become unexpected parents/monster tamers.

Prompto learns that he can bribe the cubs away from Gladio with bacon. Their bacon budget rises considerably until Ignis puts his foot down. Prompto still manages to get some fantastically cute shots that he swears he’ll sell for a fortune one of these days.

Ignis learns that baby formula is horribly overpriced. But plain milk didn’t seem nutritious enough for infants, so he reluctantly set aside gil in their meager budget to accommodate that. If they had to have more days of toast and cup noodles, well. Perhaps they shouldn’t have made him throw out all that hard won meat.

Noctis learns that baby formula tastes disgusting. In his defense, it was early (“Dude. It was like 2 pm.” “And?”) and he was half-asleep. Worst way to wake up ever, and that wasn’t even counting Ignis’ exasperated sighs afterwards and the cubs’ big, wibbling eyes of betrayal.

Gladio learns to put a shirt on anytime the cubs get anywhere near his chest unless he wants them trying to suckle from him. Yeah sure, laugh it up, Blondie and Princess, but those teeth were sharp. He had to get medical treatment and even Ignis couldn’t keep a straight face.

And they all collectively learn that there really weren’t that many wildlife centers out there. Even less that wanted to try raising baby behemoths. And by ‘less’, they mean, exactly none.

“Well,” Ignis says, after the third wildlife center employee took one look at the cubs in Gladio’s arms and nearly fainted, “perhaps we should start looking into other alternatives.”

But he knew a losing battle when he saw one and between Prompto naming them (Meatloaf, Sirloin, and Brisket, which was more than a bit morbid), Noctis trying to teach them tricks (“No, he totally rolled over that time, didn’t you, Meatloaf?” “Noct. He just got pushed over.”), and Gladio turning into ‘Dadio’, complete with baby talk and bedtime stories, he figured it wasn’t worth the effort.

Besides. The little buggers were kind of cute.

It took three months before the cubs were too big to comfortably ride in the car with them. Instead, they found out that behemoths can go up to speeds of nearly 60 mph. They probably alarmed many drivers who had to follow behind the Regalia while it was being chased by three mid-sized dog creatures on the highway.  

Noctis is the one who decides the cubs (probably too big to be cubs now, really) needed collars. Or some sign that they weren’t wild beasts.

All the screaming people did every time they come to town might have something to do with that decision.

They commission some from Dino, figuring regular dog collars would be outgrown in a few months. The result was three rambunctious behemoths the size of small horses with hoola hoop-like collars flopping about their necks. Not only did they then have to spend a not insignificant chunk of time making sure the collars stayed where they were supposed to, no one even came close enough to the collars to recognize the royal crest engraved on the tag next to the name.

So the screaming continued.

Around five months, they start getting more monstrous looking, much to the Chocobros’ alarm. Black, wicked looking horns start to curve from their foreheads and their previously adorable habit of headbutting their humans when hungry was suddenly a lot less adorable and more hazardous to their health. Two of them grew a ruffle of orange fur around their necks, something Ignis guessed meant they were male. Sirloin and Brisket grew a lustrous mane of orange fur while Meatloaf got something that looked like tusks coming from the bottom of her mouth.  

(The Chocobros had a surprisingly intense conversation about whether the cubs had gender appropriate names. In the end, it was decided that Brisket was indeed a manly enough name but Sirloin would have to be abbreviated to ‘Sir’. Meatloaf, it was unanimously decided, was a unisex name.)

It was Gladio, naturally, that taught them to hunt on their own and to attack when directed. Hunts became that much easier now that they essentially had three hunting dogs (but five times more deadly) at their command.

In the end, despite the truly massive food budget, their ban from entering certain towns, and the near misses involving trampling and being gored, it could’ve turned out worse.

(“Yeah. We could’ve tried to turn them into veal, right Iggy?” “Mmmrph?” “Shh, shh, it’s okay, Meatloaf. We won’t let mean, ol’ Specs turn you into dinner.” “Oh, please. You seemed perfectly happy to eat their mother not too long ago.” “Okay, but in my defense, even Prompto was looking kind of tasty at that point, and he’s all skin and bone.” “HEY!”)

Ten years and a lifetime later, three hulking behemoths preceded the funeral procession of King Noctis Lucis Caelum, the Hero of Light and last of his line. They wear faded leather collars with a dull, metal tag, words long since faded away.

They are followed by three somber men carrying a simple wooden casket, looking like the weight of the world is on their shoulders.

In time, they know, they will become legend. The last king of Lucis bringing back the light with his three loyal companions and noble steeds.

But right now, in this moment, they are simply human and beast, mourning the loss of one of their own.