#and then she drinks it because her body needs the sodium

[softquietsteadylove]

Hii, how are you?, i have a little idea for the Mermaid Au:

Thena gets sick for the first time, she is feeling really bad and scared but thankfully her boyfriend Gil is there to take her of her.

Thank you so much for all of your writings they are sooo amazing and perfect, i love them. 😃🖤

"Angelfish?"

Thena's groan echoed in the tub as she turned over.

Gil sighed, setting down the tray and leaning on the edge of the tub. He looked at her tail, sitting limply out of the water. "Still not feeling great?"

Thena whimpered, her face still contorted as she rolled over in the shallow warm water to look at him. Her eyes were bloodshot and her cheeks were ghostly pale. She shook her head.

"I'm sorry, Thena," Gil whispered, reaching into the tub to help pull her out. He had even added sea salt to the bath in hopes it would soothe something in her.

At least she wasn't throwing up anymore.

They still weren't sure what she had eaten, or if it was simply a stomach bug going around (humans). But she had never experienced vomiting before, and the sensation had both hurt and scared her half to death.

Once she had completely emptied her stomach, the sickness of it still hadn't left. Gil had immediately called in sick to work. Thena had almost told him not to, but the painful cramping in her stomach made her grateful for his usually comical worrying.

"Come here, Cuddlefish," he soothed, holding her in his arms as he kissed her clammy forehead.

Thena buried her face in his chest, inhaling the scent of him in hopes of soothing her nausea. "Why?"

"I don't know, baby," he cooed, pushing her dry hair away from her temple. "But I'm right here. I promise I won't go anywhere until you feel better."

She sniffled. After all her work to become better at wearing her legs and be more independent from Gil, she was back to lying in his bathtub with limp fins. "I'm sorry."

"Hey," he nudged her to look at him. He kissed the tip of her nose, "you have nothing to apologise for."

She disagreed with that, but she didn't argue. Her head felt foggy (and not in a fun way). Her whole body ached and she was both way too hot and way too cold. She lifted her tail somewhat but it felt inordinately heavy. "Cold."

"Okay," Gil rubbed her back. He knew what she meant every time she uttered just a single word. He moved carefully, letting her lean against the edge of the tub. "I'll bring you some warm clothes, you use a towel to get the salt off you. And have some of that!"

Thena smiled as he rushed off for her comfort. He really had been perfect through all of this. She pulled a towel over her, wiping off the salt in the water that crystallised on her body instead of being absorbed into her skin. At least her legs were a little lighter than her tail, at the moment.

She licked her lips; the drink Gil had brought her was sweet, and it tasted like ginger. He used a lot of ginger in his cooking, although it was usually more subtle. The first time she had seen it, it looked a little like an anemone, or a sea sponge. She had taken a big ol' bite out of it at her own risk.

"Here," Gil smiled as he came back with one of her favourite sweaters of his and some soft pants she had seen him wear. He kneeled down close to her feet, "shirt first."

She pulled it over her head, letting the towel fall into her lap as she did.

"Now these," he held up the pants. She knew how they were worn, but she still wasn't very good at putting them on. "One leg at a time, just lean on me."

She smiled as he turned, letting her brace herself on his strong, warm shoulder as she pulled them up her legs.

"Got 'em on?"

"Hm," she confirmed, giving his arm a squeeze. He turned slowly, careful not to knock her off balance. "Here."

She let him wrap his belt around her hips. Any pants of his had no chance of fitting her, after all. "Soft."

He smiled at her, kissing her forehead between her brows. "They are, huh? Ready?"

She nodded, melting into him as he picked her up. He had carried her around the house ceaselessly since she became ill. It was rather like when they first met. The nostalgia was comforting, through the dizziness.

"I made you something," Gil said gently as he walked downstairs with her in his arms. She buried her face in his neck and hissed. "I know, Angelfish, but you have to try and eat something."

She whined again. She didn't want to experience that expulsion of food anymore. She would rather dry up completely on a hot rock.

"I know," he whispered, trying his best to assuage her fears. "Just a little bit, Thena, please? I'm worried about you not eating."

She pouted as he laid her down on the couch. She knew he was just as scared about her condition as she was. He had called Sersi in a panic, regardless of the unspeakable hour it was when she had first expelled her meal. "Fine."

"I promise, it'll be gentle," he pressed his palm to her forehead before running it over her hair on his way out.

Thena sighed, snuggling back into the blankets he had laid out for her. She had never tried and failed so terribly to retain warmth in her more human body.

"Here we go, Angelfish," he said gently as he walked in with a clay pot he often cooked food in. It wasn't sizzling and bubbling though, steaming gently as he set it down. "This is just rice with a little seafood broth. I even put some anchovies on it."

Thena smiled at the little bowl, her favourite snack sprinkled over the top enticingly. She blinked, swiping at her cheeks with a frown.

"Hey, it's okay," Gil rushed from kneeling in front of her to beside her, swiping away her tears more gently. "It's okay, Thena. I'm right here, sweetheart."

Thena leaned against him, soaking up how warm he was. She pressed her face into his sleeve again.

"I'm so sorry, baby," he rubbed her other shoulder, kissing her hair again as she trembled faintly beside him. "I know this must feel awful."

She pulled away, looking at him with blurry vision. "Will you get sick if you kiss me?"

His brows rose, and she would be embarrassed if she had the energy to spare. He blushed faintly, "uh, n-no, I don't think so."

She pouted.

He smiled, tilting his head at her, "do you...do you want a kiss?"

She nodded, her eyes tearing up again.

Gil just smiled, leaning forward and kissing her so, so gently. She could cry with relief, but she was too focused on kissing him. He pulled back, just barely, his breath hitting her lips as he asked, "better?"

She nodded, feeling a familiar fluttering in her belly that was much more pleasant than what she had been feeling the past few days. She looked down at her food again, "much."

"Good," he sounded quite pleased, watching as she took a tentative bite.

"Hm," she blinked, trying another spoonful. She really was hungry, and it tasted nice. It wasn't as boldly flavourful as some of his cooking, but it was still delicious, and it was nice and gentle on her tongue.

"I think this might help soak up what's hurting your stomach and your throat," he explained gently, gesturing to the broth-softened grains of rice. "There's lots of ginger in it, too, which should relax the muscles that are hurting you."

Thena just nodded, taking another bite. It was good, and she could practically feel her unruly stomach calming. She looked at him, "can I have more anchovies?"

Gil kissed her cheek, "you can have anything you want, Angelfish."

She watched him stand from the couch for more and immediately felt his absence. She shimmied a little closer to his spot, which was much warmer than hers. Once he was sitting beside her again, she would have everything she needed.

[femchef]

The Medical Industry in the US needs a dispensary for prescribed diets.

I’m talking about prepackaged and preprepared or easy-to-prepare meals, snacks and fluids as a part of outpatient care.

You can’t just give a patient a list of dietary restrictions and a 30 minute appointment with some vague guidance and then send them on their way. I’ve been watching a family member the last three weeks be miserable on a liquid diet for pre-surgery and the biggest struggle isn’t the diet itself, it’s that the list the doctor and dietitian gave her is only some suggested guidelines and half of the recommended things she can have on the list aren’t available anywhere. Also, when I say the guidelines are vague - her doctor during the pre surgical meeting yesterday chastised her for buying low-sodium broth, when the reason she bought low-sodium is because in her last meeting with the dietitian, low-sodium was verbalized as a positive. Also the low-sodium broth met all the other requirements on the list?

1) dietitians and nutritionists should be responsible for putting together a comprehensive meal plan with specifics and instructions - it should be a perfectly reasonable expectation that a person who’s job is to understand how our bodies are affected by what we eat, and what effects the things we eat have on our bodies, be able to provide comprehensive recipes that are tailored to patients diets. Cause guess what - people expect chefs to be able to do it on the fly in professional kitchens. You think working with and around dietary constraints hasn’t become one of the hottest selling skills the last 8 years?

You can’t tell me that it’s reasonable to expect an overworked line cook to do that and not a dietitian or a nutritionist.

2) There are too many patients who, once they are sent home, go off whatever necessary food restrictions they’re meant to be on because they don’t have the proper support or knowledge or experience to maintain their nutritional health. If we want health care to be wholistic, we need to make medically required diets and food restrictions more accessible for outpatient care.

Like - imagine being able to pop over to the pharmacy (or have a delivery!! We can do that, think about all the meal kit deliveries traveling around right now) or some kitchen dispensary near a hospital complex, turning in a script and getting one or two weeks worth of portioned meals, everything is measured out with easy use instructions and dates/times, because you just had surgery and can’t do certain strenuous activities, but popping a frozen meal to heat up in the microwave or the oven isn’t too strenuous - or maybe you’re on your chemo cycle, and those are so fucking miserable already but at least you don’t have to worry about figuring out what to put in a calorie-dense smoothie because it’s already thrown together in a sealed cup (nice fat straw included) you can dump in a blender tomorrow and right back into the disposable cup to drink - or maybe you’re on a liquid diet for five weeks and then on limited soft foods for four weeks after that, but at least you don’t have to worry about hunting down the only things you can have in four different grocery stores.

And maybe doctors will have less recurring patients when, if sending them home, they know that the patient will have more of a chance staying on their medical diet during recovery because they have more accessible options, rather than a vague list of instructions.

[lune-de-miel-au-paradis]

About Nina Cerasus’s illness the HCM

I mentioned in most of the chapters in Star-crossed and in Heavenbound (they both my fic you can read them here) that she has an illness that causes her character to have some plotlines and complexity. 

It is actually a rare disease in real life, and not many know about it, so I decided to make an extra post to share some extra info about it. Let’s dig in!

About HCM: 

It’s a type of heart disease called hypertrophic cardiomyopathy (HCM). 

It basically causes the heart muscles to thicken, which in turn makes it more difficult to pump blood through the body’s system. HCM is a heart disease that can affect how effectively the heart can pump blood.

HCM is autosomal dominant condition, meaning that individuals have a 50% chance of inheriting, or passing on, the predisposition to this disorder to their children. (Nina inherited from her father Felix who already had a heart transplant surgery.)

What is it like to live with a disease like this? 

The symptoms that Nina exhibits include shortness of breath, chest pain, and a propensity for fainting or feeling dizzy. There’s also a heightened risk of heart failure or sudden cardiac death. Also the medications she needs to take, make her often have a cold nose, hands and feet. 

People with hypertrophic cardiomyopathy (HCM) will benefit from a heart-healthy diet. This includes a diet rich in fruits, vegetables, and whole grains and low in added sugar, sodium, and trans and saturated fats.

So Nina usually eats a very healthy balanced meal.

Making lifestyle changes such as exercising more, quitting smoking, and avoiding alcohol are beneficial. However, if you have HCM you should speak with a doctor before increasing your physical activity. The recommendation for people with HCM is to avoid high-intensity exercise since it can worsen symptoms. This is why Nina has pilates classes with Master Plo, and meditating classes.

About drinking coffee or other caffeinated drinks, always talk to your cardiologist! Because  caffeine is a stimulant that affects everyone differently. If you are living with HCM, know how the foods, beverages, and supplements you consume could affect your heart rhythm.

Like alcohol, caffeine can also cause dehydration, which can worsen the symptoms of HCM. Ask your doctor about caffeine and what levels of coffee, soda, tea, and other caffeinated products are safe for you to drink.

I made Nina a tea girlie. 

Women with HCM generally tolerate pregnancy well. The risk is however higher in women who are symptomatic before pregnancy or in those with severe left ventricular outflow tract obstruction. The incidence of arrhythmias does not appear to be increased during pregnancy and maternal mortality is low. But I made Nina make the decision to not have her own biological baby, and choose adoption instead in the Heavenbound storyline.

Author's Note: 

I have to say that people with this kind of disease can live a normal life.

But I slightly overemphasized Nina's illness at certain points for dramaturgical reasons.

For example, hyperspace travels take a toll on her, if she doesn't receive certain treatment beforehand. This idea came from the fact that all travel can be physically stressful for us, so traveling in space and hyperspace jumping can certainly have an even greater effect on a person, and there is also space radiation. Thus, Nina must receive a certain vitamin cocktail injection in my story before the trip. This is, of course, fiction!

Nina avoids alcohol, smoking and caffeine-based drinks mostly. In her early 20's and party years she drinks and occasionally smokes, and quits it after receiving some bad news of her health.

She drinks mint tea. She exercises often and takes the necessary medications despite the side effects. She chose not to have a baby because she does not want to pass on this disease and is also afraid of death caused by childbirth.

I also wanted to show the emotional side of what it's like to live with this type of illness. In Star-crossed fic I have written many emotions based on my own experiences. (Not everyone accepts this disease with such feelings, of course it happens differently for everyone.) But in Nina's point of view - even if it was a little exaggerated - I gave her a lot of emotions and memories from my life. 

In the first chapter and several other crisis situations, Nina experiences these  emotional "storms". 

These panic attacks usually happen to her after experiencing trauma. For example, when her mother died or when her father left them. When she found out about her illness and when Maul left her. (all mentioned in Star-crossed fic).It’s basically a panic attack mixed with deep repressed depression bursting out. 

She called these episodes "storms" because just like the rain clouds these episodes end eventually.

Under these episodes she usually feels chest pain, dizziness, nauseous and she can't stop crying for a long time. 

Nina is terribly ashamed of these episodes, she feels weak and vulnerable, which she hates. In such cases, she releases all suppressed anger and sadness by crying. When they are over, Nina is numb and quiet, her mind clears as she rebuilds her armor/or inner world. She represses and buries all the painful memories and thus tries to move on. (The first chapter of Star-crossed is basically an episode of one of her "storm.")

I know I kinda trauma dumped her, but don't feel bad about it. With these illnesses both physical and mental I wanted to give her character some complexity, and some dramatic deep feelings.

She is my character and I wanted to write a character who has the same illness as me. This is a kind of personal coping mechanism for me and I don't want to receive negative comments about it. If you don't like it, or triggered by it then, please move on to another blog and another story.

Taglist: @hellhound5925 @cloneloverrrrr @stardustbee @the-chains-are-the-easy-part @firstofficerwiggles

let me know if you would like to be added!

[pleasedontdistractme]

Some things I wrote just before and after she died

3 Feb 2023

We walked east

This evening she had a sudden burst of vigour, and asked to go for a walk. Of course, of course!, I said, and we hopped up with wagging tails.

The light outside was strange and heavy. Indigo clouds sat in a solid ridge across the sky, and the sun beneath was sodium yellow, Lovecraftian and vulgar.

So we walked east, away from the sunset, and she tugged on her lead with energy I didn't think she still possessed.

As we passed a weathervane on a lower street it screeched and twisted to point southwest; a strange, warm wind for February. I turned my face to feel the breeze, like a breath, and that sickly yellow light leering out from the sky's lip reminded me that the world was about to end.

So we walked east, away from the sunset, with no destination in mind, anywhere but here, and she pulled and I followed and we walked-

further than we should have gone,

but no distance at all-

until all at once she stood stock still, drained, looking up at me, asking a favour she didn't want to ask.

I scooped her up, Of course, of course!, and carried her home, savouring the ache in my arms. It was finally night, and it was easier to walk into the darkness than the sunset.

—-

4 Feb 2023

Let me try again

I know more now, and I am better for her

So much better for her

I made too many mistakes to forget, but I can undo each one if you let me go back. I didn't deserve her but I don't deserve this

Give me the puppy, the wriggling creature that loved me instantly, hand her to me again, and I will make her less scared of the world. She will sleep next to me that first night while I watch over her and she will never leave my side, never sit home alone

I will be more patient, more fun, less tired. I have learnt to understand her better and be better and I need more time to show her what she has taught me

I will catch the blood bugs before they hurt her little body and I will live the full fifteen years I should have had with her, not just these four-and-a-half, which are not enough, not enough, not enough

Why is love not enough to keep her here? Where is its power going? It feels like it ought to be capable of anything, it wells up inside me and through the sorrow and chokes me, so where is it going if not to clutch her sweet fur and heal her?

I would do anything for her; please, let me do anything for her,

let me try again

—-

6 Feb 2023

The third oak in

It takes quite a long time to dig a grave, even a grave for a little terrier, even in good soil.

Jack chose a spot in the new woodland. He'd planted it and she'd provided amusing obstruction, a little white whirlwind.

He worked with quiet skill, shedding his jumper after a minute. I stood to one side with the sun on my back, smelling the good smells of the farm, keeping my thoughts narrow.

They'd walked through the growing saplings every tea break and lunchtime. Now she'll lie quiet, by the third oak in from the path, and he'll drink his tea in the tool shed.

After a while, Jack hit earth as hard as rock, studded with flints. This is as far as the plough ever got, he said. But we'll go deeper.

The last foot was all clay, and this pleased him, not just because it makes neat edges, but because a foot of clay is plenty dense enough to keep the rain out. She hated the wet, he said. I nodded, loving him more.

As he worked he cut his hands on the shattered flint and his blood, bright red, ran into the clay.

I kissed her little head through the shawl before he laid her down, and went off to walk her daily walk while Jack filled in the grave. I couldn't stand to watch.

I took the longer of two routes, winding through the newly planted woodland and the grass, all golden in the winter sunshine. Tiny creatures rustled either side of me, invisible in their careful homes.

I could have walked forever, away from the pain, melting into simple sensations. But when I looked back I saw Jack stand up, alone, and I cut back through the long grass.

We picked snowdrops, tied them with ivy, and left them on her grave.

Good girl, Día, we said. Well done.

[greentrickster]

In a world where everything is low sodium, my family and I actually tend to need extra salt because none of our bodies hold onto it properly; summer’s a particularly bad time for us, since you lose salt when you sweat. My mom’s been trying to remember to drink more saltwater lately, and today mentioned that she needs a cute sign on the cupboard to reminder her to do so. Being the loving, filial child I am, I naturally complied and wrote this up:

[Image ID: an extra-wide post-it note with “HAVE SOME FUCKING SALT!!!” written on it in sharpie and underlined three times]

She made me take it down.

So ungrateful.

(Then again she did laugh and didn’t strangle me, so checks and balances I guess.)

[sarahthevampyrslayer]

TLDR; I’m just venting about my parents lol. I feel like a teenager again, but with more bills and a car, so at least I can leave when I’m too annoyed 😂😂

So my partner and I have been living with my parents again since mid February. We all got an apartment together and have been splitting rent, utilities, bills etc. 50/50. But we do get separate groceries, laundry stuff and, toiletries. It actually hasn’t been too bad living with them. It’s not nearly has bad as it was when I was a kid/teenager, but there are little things they do that just irk me.

The unnecessary comments about what I’m eating or drinking. Do you know how much sodium is in a danish? My mom does lol. Do you know how much caffeine is in ginger ale? The answer is none lol, but my dad will tell you there’s too much caffeine in ginger ale and that’s why you’ll nap in the middle of the day… obviously this is wrong lol.

Having my chronic illness (fibromyalgia) ignored and dismissed daily, kind of annoying. This is why I take frequent breaks throughout the day to avoid of flare up.

Being told repeatedly, by my father, that I need to get a job, despite the fact that I have a job, kind of annoying.

Every time my mother feels insecure about her body she projects that onto me and tells me I need to lose weight.

Whenever I cook, doesn’t matter what time of day it is, suddenly my parents need to be in the kitchen too (it is an extremely small space and there’s not enough room for more than 1 person to move around comfortably).

They’re just so go-go-go with their energy and I am… not lol. They’re inpatient and rushy.

They think because I’m home all day (I WFH) that means that I’m available to do things and when I tell them I can’t go anywhere because I’m working, I am called lazy and made to feel guilty that I’m not spending enough time with them.

They don’t have “inside voices” and my father slams every door and cabinet. He’s so aggressive with literally everything he does. I don’t understand it.

When their dog barks (she’s just a small little pompom) they think the appropriate response is to yell at her to stop. They don’t seem to realize that their yelling is louder and more annoying than the dog barking (she literally barks like 2-3 times and then stops, it ain’t like she’s going nonstop for 30 minutes or something lol).

I think the most annoying thing is all the comments about what I eat. I specifically avoid doing the counting calories and carbs and sugar bullshit because for 12 years I suffered with an ED. And part of recovery was to not focus so much on micromanaging my food. Of course I look at the nutritional information on the bag, but I’m not counting how many blueberries I can put in my pancakes. My mother is a counter. And she thinks not eating is a flex. “I only had 10 blueberries, 1 piece of toast, and 6 grapes for breakfast. But I couldn’t even finish it all. I threw away half of it.” And she tells me these things randomly. I don’t ask about it because I don’t care. My mom is an almond mom lol.

It’s become so hard to enjoy our meals because they always have something negative to say about it. Yesterday I made Indian food (butter chicken) and the entire time I’m cooking they’re sitting in the living room making comments about how it’s unhealthy. Pretty much any ethnic food, to them, is unhealthy. And most of my dishes lately have been Indian and Japanese food. And a lot of vegan stuff too (I’m not vegan, I just happen to make a lot of vegan dishes lol). I just want to cook and eat in peace lol.

[femdomliterature]

FemLit 0136 - Hydration is Key!

FemLit 0136 - Hydration is Key!

Submissive men, want to serve and perform for her better?

Hydration is key.

Being properly hydrated does wonders for the body, but in particular, it helps maintain the temperature of the testicles.

Notice how your testicles are cold to the touch? If they're not, they should be!

There's a reason for this, when your testicles are kept cooler, they function at optimal levels, which in turn, also keeps your hormones in check, keeping you in that blissed out horny but denied state.

Sodium, found in electrolytes, is known as a body temperature regulator. When the body gets enough sodium, it can maintain itself even during hotter climates, like now in the middle of summer.

But the problem is, many people are afraid of salt, and sodium, as its reputation for causing high blood pressure. This is due to not understanding, that sodium works hand in hand with potassium.

There's actually a balance between sodium and potassium, at a ratio of about 4 to 1. So when you don't drink or eat enough potassium, the excess sodium can cause high blood pressure, and things like hypertension.

So it's important to remember that when you hydrate, that you're getting enough potassium as well as sodium.

Staying properly hydrated, will do more for you than just help you remain at optimal frustration levels, it will also improve your mood, your mental clarity, and it's even good for the heart.

Proper electrolyte intake does wonders for the body, and most people, aren't getting enough.

The third important electrolyte is magnesium.

Magnesium is something most people are deficient in, and they lose magnesium on a daily basis, so it needs to be replenished.

Magnesium is responsible for more than 300 functions in the body.

This includes helping with hormone regulation, as well as helping reduce stress levels, and bowel regulation.

When you are getting enough sodium, potassium, and magnesium, your body will love you!

But there's a bigger problem at hand, that needs to be discussed. You do not want to be drinking sports drinks as your electrolyte source.

The reason being… Sugar.

The amount of sugar in sports drinks is beyond ridiculous, and since we get so much sugar in our typical diets through carbohydrates, the excess sugar is actually causing all sorts of harmful health effects.

One of those being, non alcoholic fatty liver disease.

Do you have a pot belly? Do you have more fat on your abs than you'd like? These are signs that your liver might have excess fat.

The liver is responsible for over 500 bodily functions, so you want it healthy! The reason why stomach fat is so hard to get rid of, is because the body won't burn that fat when it's full of excessive sugar to burn.

So that's why you don't want sugary sports drinks to hydrate your body with! Instead, there's a great alternative, its called LMNT, https://amzn.to/47zQ1Zq , and it's got all the main electrolytes your body needs to maintain proper hydration.

Getting properly hydrated is how you start becoming the best you can be for her.

All submissive men should be striving to be as healthy as possible, because she deserves it.

Hydration is just the start of your journey of self improvement, and it's a great place to start, because it will help your body have the energy and motivation to do more.

You will be amazed at how much better you can feel when properly hydrated.

[sushmitamukherjee]

Tips for Managing Symptoms and Maintaining Optimal Health

Living with a chronic illness can be challenging, but there are many things you can do to manage your symptoms and maintain optimal health. Here are some tips for managing symptoms and maintaining optimal health:

1. Get regular check-ups: Regular visits to gynaecologist in Indore help ensure that any changes in your condition or medications are monitored closely. This is especially important if you have a chronic illness, as it helps catch any issues early on before they become bigger problems down the road.

2. Exercise regularly: Exercise is an important part of staying healthy and managing symptoms associated with chronic illnesses such as fatigue, pain, depression, anxiety, etc. It’s also great for improving overall physical fitness levels which will help keep energy levels up throughout the day!

3. Eat healthy foods: Eating nutritious meals helps provide the body with essential vitamins and minerals that it needs to stay strong during times of stress or sickness from a chronic illness. Avoid processed foods high in sugar, sodium, saturated fats, etc., instead opt for fresh fruits & veggies along with lean proteins like chicken & fish when possible.

4. Stay hydrated: Drinking plenty of water throughout the day keeps our bodies functioning properly by helping flush out toxins while keeping us feeling energized! Aim to drink at least 8 glasses per day - more if possible depending on activity level/environmental conditions (i.e. hot weather)  

5. Get enough sleep: Adequate restful sleep is key when dealing with any type of medical issue since this allows our bodies time to repair themselves overnight – so aim for 7-8 hours each night whenever possible! Additionally try avoiding caffeine late into evening hours (or altogether) so that melatonin production isn't disrupted too much leading up until bedtime.

Also Read: Best IVF Centre in Indore

6. Manage stress effectively: Chronic illnesses often come hand in hand with increased amounts of stress due to its ability to disrupt daily routines & activities; however there's no need to worry because there're ways we all can manage this better through relaxation techniques like yoga /meditation, deep breathing exercises, etc., allowing us to take back control over how we respond these situations.

About the Author:

Dr. Sushmita Mukherjee is a gynaecologist, Obstetrician, and infertility specialist in Indore. She is a nationally known doctor with more than 32 years of experience in the field under her belt. She is also a laparoscopic surgeon and has performed thousands of surgeries throughout her career. If you are looking for someone with immense expertise in treating women’s health problems, Dr. Mukherjee can be your go-to doctor. Schedule a consultation with Dr. Sushmita Mukherjee today.

[cinnamon-coffees]

Pls read if u want :) tw: ed things but mostly bout how and why i’m recovering

also tw for s/h

ok so i feel like i should start here when i was in the worst of my ed my weight got incredibly low. so so so low that my mom would come into my room every single night and make sure my heart was still beating. everyone was concerned but it didn’t stop me. i was a shell of my former self. i isolated myself, had a short temper, was cold, and miserable, all i wanted was to die to simply sleep forever. and a lot of that was BEFORE i got into a low weight range. i lost my period and did all the anorexic things that i thought i had to do. my mom pulled me aside one day crying begging me to eat. it didn’t feel good or validating at all. it made me feel like a burden. my younger sister started to notice and would try to get me to eat with her. and i just couldn’t, at some point even gum had to many calories for me. i do cheer and dance and both of my coaches benched me in fear i would break a bone. my blood work was off and at the doctors i had 1 of 2 choices:

1.) i could recover at home with my parents

2.) i could go inpatient

i didn’t like either of those options so i decided to go with the first one. i was able to sneak around until everything came tumbling down on me and my mom started sitting with me every meal. we hired a dietitian and i was eating A LOT. it was so so scary. i wasn’t even gaining weight or doing fear foods just eating a lot. there was so much crying. and so many tears, i wish i wasn’t so narcissistic when it came to this i was hurting my whole family. listen mental illness is never a choice but i was actively shoving away everyone who loved me and being an asshole. and the worst part of all of this is i still wasn’t skinny enough for my eating disorder. and i decided to give in to recovery because one of my mentors pulled my mom aside, and asked if i was okay. that’s all my mom ever got “does ur daughter have cancer” “is ur daughter ok” “she needs to eat more”. it was a headache another breaking point was seeing my younger sister cry. I still struggle with my ed and i’ve still got along way to go to recovery i’ve had this awful disease almost all my life and i’ve had many relapses however this time, ik it will stick, cause this time i want to recover i don’t want to be so sad anymore. i don’t wanna let this be the rest of my life.

Im not here to force u into recovery. i cant do that and i support u if u aren’t ready to recover that being said here’s some important things to be aware of

THINGS TO LOOK OUT FOR:

-Consuming fewer calories than you need means that the body breaks down its own tissue to use for fuel. Muscles are some of the first organs broken down, and the most important muscle in the body is the heart. Pulse and blood pressure begin to drop as the heart has less fuel to pump blood and fewer cells to pump with. The risk for heart failure rises as the heart rate and blood pressure levels sink lower and lower.

-Some physicians confuse the slow pulse of an athlete (which is due to a strong, healthy heart) with the slow pulse of an eating disorder (which is due to a malnourished heart). If there is concern about an eating disorder, consider low heart rate to be a symptom.

-Purging by vomiting or laxatives depletes your body of important chemicals called electrolytes. The electrolyte potassium plays an important role in helping the heart beat and muscles contract, but is often depleted by purging. Other electrolytes, such as sodium and chloride, can also become imbalanced by purging or by drinking excessive amounts of water. Electrolyte imbalances can lead to irregular heartbeats and possibly heart failure and death.

-Reduced resting metabolic rate, a result of the body’s attempts to conserve energy.

-Slowed digestion known as gastroparesis. Food restriction and/or purging by vomiting interferes with normal stomach emptying and the digestion of nutrients, which can lead to:

1.) Stomach pain and bloating

2.) Nausea and vomiting

3.) Blood sugar fluctuations

4.) Blocked intestines from solid masses of undigested food

5.) Bacterial infections

6.) Feeling full after eating only small amounts of food

-Constipation, which can have several causes:

1.) Inadequate nutritional intake, which means there’s not enough in the intestines for the body to try and eliminate

2.) Long-term inadequate nutrition can weaken the muscles of the intestines and leave them without the strength to propel digested food out of the body

3.) Laxative abuse can damage nerve endings and leave the body dependent on them to have a bowel movement

-Binge eating can cause the stomach to rupture, creating a life-threatening emergency.

-Vomiting can wear down the esophagus and cause it to rupture, creating a life-threatening emergency.

-Frequent vomiting can also cause sore throats and a hoarse voice.

-Both malnutrition and purging can cause pancreatitis, an inflammation of the pancreas. Symptoms include pain, nausea, and vomiting.

-Intestinal obstruction, perforation, or infections, such as:

1.) Mechanical bowel problems, like physical obstruction of the intestine, caused by ingested items.

2.) Intestinal obstruction or a blockage that prevents food and water from passing through the intestines.

3.) Bezoar, a mass of indigestible material found trapped in the gastrointestinal tract (esophagus, stomach, or intestines).

4.) Intestinal perforation, caused by the ingestion of a nonfood item that creates a hole in the wall of the stomach, intestines or bowels.

5.) Infections such as toxoplasmosis and toxocariasis may occur because of ingesting feces or dirt.

6.) Poisoning, such as heavy metal poisoning caused by the ingestion of lead-based paint.

-Although the brain weighs only three pounds, it consumes up to one-fifth of the body’s calories. Dieting, fasting, self-starvation, and/or erratic eating means the brain isn’t getting the energy it needs, which can lead to obsessing about food and difficulties concentrating.

-Extreme hunger or fullness at bedtime can create difficulties falling or staying asleep.

-The body’s neurons require an insulating, protective layer of lipids to be able to conduct electricity. Inadequate fat intake can damage this protective layer, causing numbness and tingling in hands, feet, and other extremities.

-Neurons use electrolytes (potassium, sodium, chloride, and calcium) to send electrical and chemical signals in the brain and body. Severe dehydration and electrolyte imbalances can lead to seizures and muscle cramps.

-If the brain and blood vessels can’t push enough blood to the brain, it can cause fainting or dizziness, especially upon standing.

-Individuals of higher body weights are at increased risk of sleep apnea, a disorder in which a person regularly stops breathing while asleep.

-Low caloric and fat consumption can cause dry skin, and hair to become brittle and fall out.

-To conserve warmth during periods of starvation, the body will grow fine, downy hair called lanugo.

-Severe, prolonged dehydration can lead to kidney failure.

-Inadequate nutrition can decrease the number of certain types of blood cells.

-Anemia develops when there are too few red blood cells or too little iron in the diet. Symptoms include fatigue, weakness, and shortness of breath.

-Malnutrition can also decrease infection-fighting white blood cells.

ok now that that’s done.

logic goes out the window when dealing with an ed so if u don’t want help or aren’t ready to recovery here’s some

safety tips:

-try and eat 500 cals (min) a day ur brain needs that much just to function

-don’t cut out carbs and fats

-take multivitamins

-talk to someone about ur ed that u can call in case there’s an emergency

-WATER WATER WATEER

-keep a granola bar with u in case u feel faint

-use ur hand when vomiting not something else

-if u purge drink water with electrolytes

-try to take rest days

-take meds the furthest time from purging

-if u struggle with not exercising walk

-get ur bloodwork checked

-try not to use laxatives days in a row

Next:

BUT I DONT CARE IF THIS IS HOW I DIE I WANT THIS TO BE MY SUICIDE

yeah so u most likely won’t die especially if ur young. there’s usually something that will stop u:

1.) yea you’ll die in ur 20s or 30s from a heart attack. thinking about food, having no personality or friends, you’ll be thinking about what u ate when u ate and how much u ate

2.) MOST LIKELY you’ll get hospitalized or forced into some form of treatment. and trust me the more u resist the more u stick ur nose up. the more they feed u. the longer ur stuck refeeding. you’ll get forced in and out of treatment stuck in a viscous cycle dying from a heart attack or organ failure

3.) you’ll die from gastric dialation.

very glamorous right ?

unfortunately i royally fucked up my body and most likely will never be able to have kids now.

If you wanna recover by yourself here’s some things to look out for:

Refeeding Syndrome Symptoms-

Fatigue.

Weakness.

Confusion.

Difficulty breathing.

High blood pressure.

Seizures.

Irregular heartbeat.

Edema.

For bulimia:

short term effects-

amenorrhea

anemia

low electrolyte levels

cavities

gum disease

intestinal problems

hair loss

dry skin

organ failure

sleep issues/ insomnia

long term-

diabetes

brittle bones

reproductive difficulties

Anyways :)

i cannot force u to recover but pls be safe while engaging in disordered behavior ur valid even if u don’t believe u are

and every single one of u deserves treatment and u are sick enough ilyyy pls take care

forehead kisses lovely’s xx <333

[drwcn]

maybe after today’s acls training i can finally write that chengqing ER oneshot. 

— “Patient male, mid-twenties, motor vehicle collision, eta 3 mins” 

— “What no vitals? No GCS? ETA 3 mins? Who’s on the paramedic team?!” 

— “No one….Dr. Lu hit someone with her car on her way out of the hospital.” 

【A Midnight Conversation in Your Local ER】- Complete

[1] 

The night hunt had gone to shits.

That much was undeniable.

Jiang Cheng heard the panicked shout of his disciples just as he saw the array that he had stepped on.

Fuck.

The ghost of an once mediocre demonic cultivator wanna-be was going to bring Jiang Cheng, Jiang Wanyin - the Sandu Shengshou - to meet his maker. The irony of the situation would be laughable, if he wasn’t so irrevocably screwed.

That was his last thought before his entire body was engulfed by a blinding light and the world he knew disappeared.

The ground beneath his feet gave away, weightlessness paralyzing his body though he did not fall. He felt…launched, his body warping and squeezing and stretching, the air sucked from his lungs into the endless black vacuum.

But just like that it was over. Jiang Cheng barely had time to make peace with his death before his feet touch solid earth again.

Or at least….he thought it was earth, this black, tarry hard thing striped with yellow and white. He stared at it dumbly, breathless and disoriented, barely able to react when a loud blare assaulted his senses and his world went blindly bright yet again.

This time there was pain.

Jiang Cheng clutched Sandu, ready to fight, but then his head hit the ground and everything went dark. When he woke up again, an indeterminate amount of time later, he was in a small tube and had a distinct feeling he was not wearing pants, socks or shoes.

How the fuck do you ‘scan’ a cat???  

[2]

Method actor. The nurse, from the other side of the curtain, mouthed silently.

“Sir, can you tell me your name.”

“Jiang Cheng, Jiang Wangyin.”

The resident paused, awkwardly contemplating how to continue. “Uh…..which is it? Jiang Cheng or Jiang Wanyin?”

“Jiang Cheng, zi Wanyin.”

“Traditional parents?” The resident tried to crack a joke, but it fell flat. The strange man stared up at him with a blank look in his eyes and a frown that was rapidly deteriorating into a scowl. The resident cleared his throat and cast his eyes back onto his clipboard. “Uh, ahem, just the name on your ID please.”

“My what?" 

"Your personal ID….like a driver’s license?”

“Cultivators of the gentry fly on swords or ride horses. We do not rely on carriage valets.”

“Eh… right. Uhm, can you tell me how old you are and what year it is.”

“I’m 39, and the year is jiachen.”

Lu Qi frowned from where she stood by the door, arms crossed, watching her resident and medical student work. 39? He looks like a college student. But he also thinks he can fly, so I guess age is the least of our worries. 

“Jiachen.…?”

The M3 fished his phone out from his scrub pocket pocket and typed it in. “Sounds like the ganji system, like an old timey way to record year used in the past.” He whispers clandestinely to the resident.

“….Right. And uh, do you where you are?”

The man scowled at him. “Am I supposed to?” 

The resident scribbled something on the chart, and then looked up with a plastered awkward smile. “Well, thank you Mr. Jiang for your patience. Wang Fei here is the medical student on our team. He’s going to stay and ask you a couple more questions if you don’t mind. Afterwards we’ll confer with our attending and the team will be back to see you shortly.”

As he turned away, the R3 grimaced and shared a look with Lu Qi, who was the youngest attending physician in their ER, but was not technically working at the moment and so was not on the case. And technically, as the perpetrator who hit Jiang Cheng with her car, she had a severe conflict of interest.

At least this Jiang Cheng dude didn’t seem keen on pressing personal charges against her for MVA or suing the hospital in general… but that being said…

Yeah, they’re going to need a psych consult. 

Unless he’s on acid. 

Well… okay, psych consult either way. 

[3]

"It’s okay, you can relax.” Jiang Cheng said, waving dismissively at the woman standing by his bedside. “I’m not going to take you to the magistrate for hitting me with your carriage - car. You didn’t mean to, and I just came out of nowhere.” 

“....Thank you.” 

“You’re not Wen Qing. I know that now. Your name is Lu Qi. You can call off those psychia - psych - psychics - head healers - or whatever, I’m not crazy. It’s not my fault, you just… look so much like someone I used to know."

"Wen Qing.” Lu Qi echoed. 

“Yeah. Wen Qing. She was a healer - a doctor - like you, but different.” 

“I see. What happened to her?"

"She died. Almost twenty years ago."

"I'm sorry... that's awful.” Lu Qi’s response rolled off her tongue so well, because she had said those word a thousand times during her residency. So much so that it no longer had much meaning to her. Tonight however, she meant what she said. “Were you two close?"

"No, well…yes, maybe. No we weren’t exactly friends if that’s what you’re asking. She...operated on me. Without my consent or knowledge. Took my brother’s golden core and put it in me and then lied with my brother to my face about it. So no we weren’t “close”, but Wen Qing saved my life - well the purpose of it anyway. Saved me from a life of ordinariness.” 

Lu Qi did allow herself to dwell too much on what the fuck a “golden core” was, because her gut response was almost instantaneous. “That’s shitty of her.”

She clamped down on her tongue. 

God, why did I have to say that? To his face?! He was obviously in love with this Wen Qing person and they were encroaching on some dangerous emotional territories, but Lu Qi swallowed down her caution and plowed on nevertheless. There were things she felt she had to say, and since she’d already hit him with her car, how much worse could this shit get? “What I mean is she shouldn’t have. Not without telling you. Besides...there’s nothing wrong with ordinary.” 

Jiang Cheng chuckled bitterly. “Maybe you’re right. Still...she didn’t deserve to die. What her clan did was not her fault.” 

Now that threw Lu Qi off. Did this guy...kill her? 

Lu Qi half wondered if she stumbled upon a Yakuza-esque member whose psyche finally snapped after years of murder and violence. And yet, he seemed perfectly coherent, no flight of ideas, no tangential thought, no hallucations. Even his delusions seemed...logical. 

I must be the one losing, damnit.  

Jiang Cheng scratched a little at his chest, as if palpating for the “golden core” that he spoke of. "She saved my life, but when she needed help, I couldn't save her. But, if I were to go back… I can't say I'll choose differently. My clan needed me, my clan who was almost cleansed by hers. No, no I wouldn’t choose differently. I don’t regret my choices, but I am sorry. Sorry to her, sorry to my brother. I'll always be sorry that she died, and that I failed her when she needed me." 

Jiang Cheng had no idea why he was telling this stranger any of this, but maybe after twenty years, he was finally ready to address this guilt that he lived with. I mean who else was he supposed to tell? Jin Ling? It was nice, to have that face as an audience, receiving his words of confession. 

"She would forgive you." 

Lu Qi had no idea why she was offering absolution as if she had authority in this matter, but when she said it, the conviction she felt was so real, it was almost as though some external force was acting through her.

Which was ridiculous of course, but... 

"How do you know? You're not her." Jiang Cheng shook his head. “I wouldn’t forgive me.” 

"No, but you said she was a physician. So she should know, more than most, that sometimes there is no choosing who gets to live or die."

Jiang Cheng fell quiet at that, and his gaze grew distant. Lu Qi thought perhaps he was no longer seeing her as she was in front of him - white coat, scrubs, stethoscope -  but someone entirely different. The tension he held in his shoulders slowly eased, and he sighed. In the silence that stretched between them, Lu Qi hoped that this strange man with his strange past could find a sliver of peace. 

[4]

— Did you love her? 

— I thought so, foolishly, but maybe I didn’t. Even if I did, it was not well enough. 

— Do you love her still? 

— No... I don’t know. It’s been too long...but sometimes, late at night when Lotus Pier is quiet, I think I do. 

...

— Are you ashamed of it? 

...

— No. No I’m not. 

[5]

The patient known as Jiang Cheng left AMA, that is, against medical advice. It was the term they used sometimes for people who just up and leave without informing the team. 

Lu Qi had gone out to check on his labs, which came back with bonker numbers (I mean really, a hemoglobin of 455, sodium of 200, and a HCO3 of like...3?), but Jiang Cheng was gone from Bay 6 when she returned. The nurse made the overhead page, a code yellow was called, but four hours later, Lu Qi was ready to admit that she was never going to see this Jiang Cheng ever again. 

Somehow, she was okay with that. She had said what needed to be said.  

Her chief had given her a call on her cell and told her to go home and sleep. The guy didn’t look like he was gonna press charges, let’s count our blessings and move on. But the night had just been too damn strange that Lu Qi was all wired up from it and couldn’t possibly fall asleep. She had handover at 10 anyway. There was a change of clothes and toiletries in her bag. She could always take a shower in the anesthesia staff’s on call room and sleep until then. 

Dr. Sun was the anesthesia staff on-call tonight and was currently stuck in trauma OR. They were buddies since medschool; she’d understand.

Sighing, Lu Qi took a seat on the bench across from the bougie cafe in the lobby of the hospital. At this hour, it was the only one still open in the entire facility. The drinks they sold cost an arm and a leg, but Lu Qi needed the pick-me-up after the night she had. 

As she nursed the last bit of her matcha latte, two bickering voices pulled her attention to the front entrance. 

“Aiyo, A-Liang I already said I’m fine! I don’t need to be here!” 

“Fuck out of here with that bullshit, Chen Zhaoxi. You fell off the fucking roof! If Wu Kun hadn’t called me, you’d have gone on -”

It was him! Lu Qi shot up. It was Jiang Cheng! 

But no...no it wasn’t him. The well-dressed man dragging the second man (dressed in red pajamas) into the hospital was not Jiang Cheng. He had the same face - chiselled, handsome, scowling - but it wasn’t him. For one, his hair was trimmed short and neat, unlike Jiang Cheng who looked like he walked straight out of a BL xianxia tv drama. Secondly, his face was softer, eyes younger, and he couldn’t have been older than Lu Qi herself in her early thirties. 

“I was just trying to get to the litter of kittens trapped -”

“Yes, yes, and it was very heroic and I’m sure it would’ve made Wu Kun very horny, and you morons probably would’ve fucked once he got home had you not made a valiant attempt at breaking your neck -” 

“Excuse me,” the security guard manning the information desk chastised sharply. “It’s 4am. This is a hospital! Lower your voices, sirs.” 

“Sorry.” The men apologized sheepishly. 

Then, A-Liang, Jiang Cheng’s doubleganger asked, “Could you please direct us to the ER? This is my brother, he fell off a roof.” 

Lu Bin had no idea what possessed her to interject. “I can take you there.” 

All eyes fell on her. She walked towards them, heart pounding. 

This can’t be happening, this kind of thing just can’t happen... 

A-Liang’s face broke into a grateful smile. “Thank you, Miss -” Then his gaze trailed to her badge, and he corrected himself, “Dr. Lu. I’m Shen Liang. This is my brother Chen Zhaoxi. I think he fractured...well multiple things, please help him.” 

“Of course, come with me. Let’s get him a wheelchair. If he fractured is leg, he probably shouldn’t be walking.” 

“I didn’t fracture -” 

“You, you shut up.” Shen Liang rolled his eyes. “Don’t listen to him. He can lose three out of four limbs and say ‘ t’s but a flesh wound’.” 

Lu Qi couldn’t help but chuckle as she put an arm under the complaining Chen Zhaoxi and helped him towards the wheelchair. 

Shen Liang’s smile widened. 

[Extra]

“Holy shit, took you long enough!” 

When Jin Ling and Lan Sizhui finally dragged Jiang Cheng to their portal site, Jiang Cheng realized that the transportation talisman had created a channel through realities between what looked like two metal garbage dumpsters in a back alley behind a food establishment marked by giant yellow bunny ears.

Standing guard there, Lan Jingyi and Ouyang Zizhen were each munching on a strange layered bread and holding tall drinks contained in...what was it called again? Right. Styrofoam. 

“What is that?” Jin Ling wrinkled is nose at it. Brat. 

“It’s a Big Mac.” Replied Lan Jingyi as if Jin Ling was stupid. “And this is a milk shake.” 

Jin Ling scowled. “I said the bag of gold I gave you was for emergencies.” 

“Yeah but we were hungry.” Ouyang Zizhen defended. He neglected to tell them that the cashier had refused to accept the gold and instead asked for “cash” or “card”, neither of which they had, so Zizhen used a liiiiil confounding talisman he learned from Wei Wuxian. They did leave more than enough gold though...and that ought to cover the restaurant’s cost for their “burger”lary . Reaching into the brown paper bag he held under one arm, Zizhen pulled out a little box that opened to show pieces of... something. “These are chicken nuggets. They’re delicious! Try one! They’re really good with this sauce....hold on...” 

Lan Sizhui sighed. “We don’t have time for this. The portal will close soon. Let’s get Jiang-zongzhu home and we can sample these exotic food later.” 

The boys agreed. 

Jiang Cheng shook his head and huffed. 

[ladykissingfish]

Dining Out with the Akatsuki

Pein

The Pein-body doesn’t need food to sustain itself, but Nagato has made it so that he can taste and experience eating through the body. Surprisingly his favorite dish is a simple fish stew, which he enjoys several bowls full of, paired with a beer or two and a few pieces of delightfully crusty bread. But more so than the food, Nagato enjoys “being” with the others, especially Konan. When they were younger he and the blue haired beauty were often on the brink of total starvation, so to be able to afford the luxury of eating prepared foods in a nice establishment, and to do so with FRIENDS, is a dream that he’d never have dared to dream. Is a very tidy eater, and constantly makes sure the others are keeping their areas clean, so as not to make too much work for their waiter/waitress. The type to, if he thinks the server has too many empty plates and glasses to take back, will get to and help that person carry the empties back to the kitchen. Also makes sure everyone tips, even Kakuzu.

Konan

When going out to eat, Konan will always order a salad. That’s it. And it’s not because she’s a dainty eater; it’s because she knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that every other member of the Akatsuki will be sharing large portions of THEIR food with her. Even Kakuzu will push whatever cheap dinner he’s bought across the table to her and gruffly tell her to take some of whatever’s there. The waiter or waitress will come back to the table to refill drinks and be confused that the delicate-looking salad girl is elbows deep in fries, ribs, steak, and anything else the group has pressed on her. And dessert is another matter entirely. ALL of them (with the exception of Kakuzu because he feels sharing his dinner was more than enough) will fight over who gets to buy Konan dessert. Usually settled with spirited games of rock-paper-scissors, and the winner gets to pick (and buy, of course) what sweet treat Konan gets. Also she never ends up paying for the salad she initially ordered, either, as the one buying her dessert will usually go ahead and spring for that, as well.

Hidan

Hidan is a big meat-eater, so when they go out to eat will typically order several pork, chicken, or beef-based dishes. His favorite is spare ribs, and he’s such an aggressive eater that the sauce will ruin whatever shirt he’s been made to wear for the evening. Watching him eat things like steak is always a bit gross, as he orders it cooked as rare as possible and always makes a big production out of licking the excess blood from his arms/the plate. He isn’t really a fan of sides, though, in particular vegetables; and will always push off the undesirables on his plate to whoever’s sitting closest to him (most often Kakuzu who will take whatever’s offered because hey, free food). He’s also one of the few who won’t order any sort of alcoholic drink with his meal, as he claims Jashinism prohibits the consumption of such things. Sodas or sweet fruit punches are his thing, and he drinks so much of this that he’ll end up rushing to the bathroom to pee a bunch before the meal is over. Is the fastest eater in the bunch so will try and start arguments or have arm wrestling contests with the others to pass the time along. If the waitress is pretty, he’ll flirt shamelessly and leave a big enough tip to make Kakuzu faint.

Kakuzu

It takes a LOT to get Kakuzu to go out and eat with everyone; he’s the epitome of the “we have food at home” mantra. When he does, he’ll always go for the absolute cheapest meal on the menu, even if the dish isn’t something he particularly likes. Also isn’t shy about using his advanced age to his advantage, to make use of senior specials and coupons. Always requests for there to be no salt in his meal because “too much sodium raises blood pressure which is bad for the heart”, and after all he’s got several hearts to take care of. Doesn’t really partake in the conversations at the table except to occasionally comment to the others about food being left on their plates; yes, even with the others paying for their own meals, he’s still hyper concerned about wasting money. The only time he likes going out to eat is his birthday, when everyone else will chip in to buy his meal for him. A big Sake drinker and will have almost an entire bottle ((of the cheapest kind)) with his meal, but he holds his liquor so well that he never seems drunk.

Sasori

Doesn’t eat but going out with the others is one of the few things he enjoys. He is someone who prefers elegant, quiet atmospheres, therefore favors going to smaller, somewhat exclusive restaurants. Since his attention isn’t focused on food, he’ll get up and wander from the table a lot, taking in the artwork (if any) on the walls. Has a special (and unexpected) talent, in calming down the fussy children of other diners. Because he’s curious about everything, he’ll ask Deidara or Itachi to describe their meals to him in heavy detail.

Deidara

This guy can eat. He, Hidan and Tobi are the biggest eaters in the company, so when everyone goes to a restaurant or cafe together, separate checks are a necessity ((Kakuzu: All I had was tea! Why should we split the bill when those fucks had 12 plates each?!)) Shares a slight commonality with Kakuzu in that his favorite meal is fish-based, and Kisame has taught him well in regards to knowing whether a fish is fresh or not. He isn’t the neatest diner, and will constantly be reminded by Pein or Konan to tidy up his area before the waiter/waitress comes back to the table. Will ALWAYS ask the server about the specials of the day, even though 9 times out of 10 he already knows what he’s going to order. Deidara has the ability to taste food through his hands, and will sometimes make a show of eating with all three mouths at once (which fascinates the other diners but leaves his own team disenchanted, to say the least). Can easily be goaded into eating “competitions” with Hidan, which almost always results in severe stomachaches and a need to be carried back to the hideout by their respective partners.

Tobi

What’s an entree? This guy will always go straight for the dessert menu. At first Pein and the others tried to stop him, telling him dessert was only to be had after a balanced meal; but Tobi’s tendency to eat a single bite of an expensively-priced steak quickly convinced the others to mind their own business. Whether at home or out to dinner, meal times are the only times he removes his mask; he still wears a rough black cloth over his eyes but without the mask everyone can see the (slightly scarred) bottom half of his face — and his smile. Which he does a lot; it’s obvious that spending time with the others means a great deal to him. His voice changes just slightly too — he still says the most out of place, goofy things, only in a much deeper tone of voice. Deidara especially is completely thunderstruck by how calm and quiet and NORMAL Tobi seems without the mask, and comes up with the (correct) theory that Tobi literally becomes a different person with that orange monstrosity on. Can be goaded into eating contests with Deidara and Hidan, although his food tolerance isn’t as high as these two and will more than likely spend all night in the bathroom.

Zetsu

Never ever joins the others when they dine out. Like never. Will occasionally use his exceptional scouting skills to scope out new venues for the group, but that’s as far as it goes.

Kisame

Restaurants aren’t really his thing, so (as in many other circumstances) will only accompany the others if Itachi goes as well. Like Pein and Deidara, goes mostly for fish-based meals, although he does enjoy an extra rare steak on occasion. Doesn’t drink alcohol but will order many cups of tea or, in the winter, cocoa. Is one of the few in the group who knows just how bad Itachi’s eyesight has gotten, so will always lean close and quietly whisper to him things on the menu that he thinks he’d like to eat. Enjoys eating establishments where they play soft music; it always puts him in a relaxed state of mind. Kisame is like Pein in that he abhors rudeness towards servers and restaurant staff, and will jump in quickly (and often very harshly) to “reprimand” anyone he feels is being an ass, whether it be another customer or his own team mates. Has gotten into a fistfight with Hidan twice over some of the more lewd things he’s said to waitresses, one of which got the whole group banned from that particular place. Doesn’t like desserts but will ask both Itachi and Konan what THEY would get for dessert, orders both things, and gives it to them.

Itachi

Like Kisame, dining out isn’t really his deal, but will go every now and then when the “persuasion” of the others wears him down (Deidara: You antisocial asshole; are you too good to spend time with us or what, hm?!). Prefers places that are small and dimly lit; bright lights hurts his eyes immensely and he’s never been comfortable in large crowds of people. A trick his father taught him when he was younger was that, when eating in a public place, always go with somebody you can trust to keep an eye on the entrance for possible enemies; so Itachi will always sit in a spot where he’s facing the door, to protect the rest of the group. Eats his food slower than the others (everyone thinks it’s because he savors his meal but really it’s because he has trouble seeing it), and, like Tobi, is a bigger fan of desserts than the entree. Also has a thing with napkins; will sit and tear one napkin up into dozens of tiny strips while the others talk to each other, or sometimes shows off Konan’s origami lessons by turning them into little flowers or birds. Hidan gets easily annoyed by him because Hidan flirts mercilessly with every female in sight — but Itachi simply sits there quietly and has every female in the restaurant staring at him with wide eyes and lovesick faces. Hasn’t once left a restaurant without being asked out by at least 3 women (all of whom be very politely turns down, but still).

[dansantat]

NOW WE ARE TWO: A Eulogy for My Father

Adam U Santat (October 21,1943 - April 27, 2021)

Today is April 27, 2021.

When I was very young and we lived in New Jersey my father took us to the beach and he lifted my tiny frame over his neck and we walked out into the ocean together. My mother watched us from the coast as we wandered 50 yards into the shallow sea. I was terrified of whatever lurked in the water convinced that sharks would come and eat us. My father gripped my legs and whispered, “I’ve got you. You don’t have to be afraid.”

I don’t exactly know why this particular memory rests so clearly in my mind, but it’s a good one. That was my father in a nutshell.

I interviewed my parents for a memoir I’m currently working on. This is what I know of my father. 

He was born in the small village of Khlong Dan, Thailand on October 21, 1943, though the official birth certificate indicates October 27 because of a typo (21 sounds like 27 in Thai)  He was the youngest of nine kids. His parents immigrated from China and started a merchant business. For fear of being racially ostracized by the local Thai people the oldest brother changed their name from “Lim” to “Santativongchai” (he found the word in an old book)

They collected rain water off the storm gutters in order to drink. He didn’t get hie first pair of shoes until he was 10 years old. They were sandals, really. Knowing facts abut Western culture was cool and he had an insatiable desire to learn everything he could about America. Coming to the United States was a dream of his obsessed with Elvis Presley, Paul Anka, and movies like “Shane” He admits to being spoiled by his mother and says he was lazy during most of his childhood, but was gifted in math and science. And he truly was. He attended medical school, paid for by his older sister, Yawanit, and he came to Newark, New Jersey in 1969 to do his internship.

My mother followed a year later

His first car was a Red ‘69 Camaro. No air conditioning. He ran the car into the ground because he was unaware of the fact that you had to change the oil. He never owned a car before then.   

This was the American dream.

I was born in 1975 and they soon made a mass exodus to Southern California along with many of their Thai doctor friends with brief career stops in Wykoff, New Jersey and Hopedale, Illinois until we settled in our newly built four bedroom home in Camarillo, CA. 

He worked for the state of California as a pediatrician, and eventually as a cardiologist, and then a psychiatrist continuing his education over the years to fill the needs of the state. He was an accomplished man in his field.

He loved golf, tennis, and buying things he would see on TV. He loved Ralph Lauren clothing, he owned one of the first Apple computers, and he loved making weekly trips to Los Angeles to buy classical CDs and audio equipment.   

Three weeks ago I stepped inside my parent’s home for the first time in over a year. The COVID-19 Pandemic had kept us apart . “Stay at home. We’ll see each other after this is all over.” my parents told me. 

Under normal circumstances I would happily avoid their company for fear of constant nagging about a plethora of reasons which mostly dealt with my weight, or my political views.   

But this was different. 

My father had been diagnosed with Stage 4 liver cancer and he returned home to hospice care. My mother was helping him get situated on his favorite couch because he refused to use the hospital bed that hospice had offered him and recommend that he use.

They say that doctors make the worst patients. 

Besides his stubbornness my mother was angry at him for not putting up a fight, turning down Chemotherapy and Immunotherapy and opting to just let the cancer take him. She herself having been a breast cancer survivor over 25 years ago (along with living with lupus for 45 years) could not comprehend the thought of just giving up. But my father knew the odds. He had taken one look at the CT scan and he knew the primary source was in the liver and it has metastasized to the lungs, his jaw, and his pelvis. 

His body was dying but his mind was still as sharp as a tack.

I understood the diagnosis, as well. When speaking to the doctor on the phone he did not mince words by emphasizing quality of life. My father’s days were limited, and I was there to make the most of the time that was left between us before he departed. 

“I have one last question for you before I go.” he said to me.

“Anything. What’s your question, Dad?”

“How much....do you earn annually?”

My mother and I quickly glanced at each other and we both immediately let out a huge laugh. “HA HA HA! You have one last question and that’s what you want to ask me?!”

He was always curious about my finances. 

He is my Asian father. 

Normally, this type of question would be a point of heated contention and it would typically result in an argument at a restaurant, and yet, here he is living his last weeks and he STILL wouldn’t let the question go. And this time, without argument, I simply tell him. 

Why deny a dying man his last wish?

“I’M SO PROUD OF YOU!” he shouts as we all share in a good laugh.

“I have one more question...”

“What is it, Dad?”

“Why do you always get upset when I ask you that question?”

This too would have normally resulted in a heated discussion, but I simply gave him an honest and simple answer, “Because you taught me that it was rude to ask people that question.” And I left it at that.

My mother gets up and heads to the kitchen and it’s in this moment that my father pulls me in closer to discuss more pressing matters. 

“I don’t want you to worry about me. I’ve accepted my fate and I’ve lived a good life. I’m worried about your mom. I want you to take care of her after I’m gone.”

“Of course.”

“I’ve saved up a lot of money. Use it to buy a house with a guest house for her. Make sure it has a big yard so she can do her gardening and she’ll be fine.”

 “I promise, Dad. I’ll spoil her.” 

“Good.”

My mother returns to the family room with an assortment of shirts for my father to wear. I grab a blue button up collared shirt from Tommy Bahama. “This shirt actually isn’t too shabby.”

“It was originally $125 and I got it for $90!”

Always in pursuit of looking his best while also landing a great deal.

He is my Asian father.  

“If you like the shirts they’re yours now. All of this is yours.”

None of the items that my father owned interested me. What interested me was giving him one last amazing experience before he was gone. The one thing my father truly treasured among all his possessions was a one of the finest wine collections I had ever seen. It contained over 500 bottles of wines he had collected over the course of twenty years housed in three separate wine refrigerators, which were spread throughout different rooms in the house and sent their electricity bill skyrocketing to the moon, and my mother’s nerves to the very edge of insanity. 

“Hey, what do you think about going into your wine collection and we drink the most expensive wine you have?”

“No,” he says hesitantly.

“But don’t you want to know what you bought? Don’t you want to at least know what the best wine you own tastes like? I don’t think you should leave this world without enjoying your one great vice in life.”

My father looks away from me and mutters, “No...It’s yours now. All of it.”

This is not how I want it to end. I want him to have one last good memory.

My mother interrupts, “I’m hungry. What are we having for lunch?”

I try to keep my father focused on his bucket list. I’m hoping for just one last memory, “Whatever you want, Dad. My treat.”

He looks at me and says, “I want a Pink’s hot dog.”

My mother and I look at each other in shock. This request from a man who was obsessed with his blood pressure. A man who constantly avoided salt like it was Kryptonite to Superman was now requesting for one of the saltiest most nitrate rich foods in America. 

“With mustard and relish.”

25 minutes later I returned home with three sodium bombs per his request. My father, who hadn’t eaten in three days, grabbed a hold of his hot dog, and ate the entire thing. My father, a man who did everything in his power to stave off death by cardiovascular disease to the point of obsession, was indulging in the one thing he avoided like the plague. 

SALT. 

As I sat on the couch and watched him eat his hot dog I could see the look on his face as he solemnly took each bite thinking, “What was the point of being so scared for all these years?” I took solace in the fact that for the first time in my life, I saw him as a person unafraid.  

 Later that day, a few of his closest friends came over to wish him well. I met them at the front door, “Hey, do me a favor. Can you see if you can make him agree to having one last glass of wine?”

It was a good idea.

HIs friends all walked in, paid their respects, and then peppered him with little hints like, “Hey, how about one last sip of wine before you go?”

My dad finally agreed.

“That fridge has the best stuff!” my dad shouted as he pointed to the fridge closest to the door. 

I was not as knowledgable about fine wines as my dad and his friends were. That’s what Google is for.    

I reached into the back of the fridge and found a bottle of Opus One from 1995. 

This was $600 bottle of wine. It wasn’t his best but it it would do nicely.

The room let out an audible “oooooh” when I entered the room with the bottle.

His best wine glasses were brought out, we each poured a glass, and we toasted my father. We share stories about his life, he boasts to his friends about my accomplishments, and we are basking in a moment of complete harmony.

For this moment in time, I was his perfect Asian son.

He thoughtfully studied the peaks generated by the swirling of the wine on the edge of the glass

“It’s been a good life. No regrets.”

I was glad I could give him this.

This week I bought that house for my mom. I told my father this as I fulfilled his last dying wish while I held his hand.

“I’ve got you, Dad. You don’t have to be afraid.”

“I’ve got you.”

[macamonium]

god help

I'm writing this thing and it's gonna make me cry lol

this is (hopefully) gonna be part of a larger fic, but as I was jotting down the outline this just dripped out. its abt self-love thru good food and Bakugou learning to forgive himself the right way

maybe tw for eating disorder stuff, though that's not what the fic will be about

Bakugou emptied a full-sodium packet of beef bouillon into the pan. The smell drafted through the dorm’s empty kitchen, and his mind wandered with it.

He knew, regrettably, that he reflexively went for the full-sodium bouillon because of his mom. Mitsuki had the same impatience for low-fat and low-calorie “diet” foods that she did for backtalk and attitude. She scoffed at the TV whenever it lit up with commercials of dancing, ever-thinning crackers, or the new zero-calorie alternative for something that was never meant to be low-calorie. Sour cream, for chrissakes! It’s fucking dairy, it’s meant to be that way!

She lectured Bakugou about it when he was really little, on some Saturday in the middle of summer. He was inside for the afternoon nursing an injury from what he reported was a particularly slippery log in the forest. Really, it was payback from a sore-loser gang of fifth graders. So his ankle wasn’t really twisted, but his chin sure was bruised - that log had a mean right hook. No way in hell was he letting the neighborhood kids see his face like that, so he was there, in the kitchen, pretending to take extra care of his left foot while Mitsuki made them lunch.

Stirring the curry in his own pan, which was now simmering, Bakugou could picture it more clearly than he had in a long, long while. He had been sitting on the farthest barstool - yeah, it was that one because one of the legs was loose and he was rocking back and forth, back and forth, and when his head swung along with it his mom’s hands, stirring the pan, popped in and out of view from behind the milk carton. He smiled softly to himself now, taking stock of how he was standing. How similar it was. Was she making curry that day?

If Bakugou couldn’t remember exactly what she said, he could make a pretty good guess on how she’d phrase it. He just knew her that well. He could hear her now - it'd have gone something like this:

“You see, when they first started puttin’ the nutrition facts on the packages of food products, back in, like, the 1920s, the chemists had a field day. I mean, really, they ran that industry.”

Katsuki didn’t know what industry was, but he liked hearing his mama talk.

“And at that time, chemistry wasn’t what it is now. It wasn’t molecules and atomic structure and that kinda thing, it was grams of this and milliliters of that. Still, that was more than regular people knew, so it was left to the specialists.”

She held the spatula out for him to lick. He took it in two chubby hands.

“More spice, mama.”

“Whatever you say, baby. And wipe your chin.” He used the bottom of his shirt, but she didn’t say anything. His dad wasn’t around for that kind of thing.

“Don’t get me wrong, knowing what’s in your food is great.” She gestured carelessly with the lick-marked spatula before plunging it back into the curry. “Certainly better than whatever was going on before. They used to put cocaine in Coca-Cola, you know.”

“What’s cocaine, mama?”

“A drug, baby. Makes you go crazy for a while. Don’t go trying it, and don’t go repeating it - though I suppose that’s hard in earnest, it’s what the ‘Coca’ in Coca-Cola is named after.”

“It’s named after D-RUGS??” Katsuki sat forward in his seat, but the squeaky leg cursed a whine at him and he sat back.

“That’s right: Drugs,” Mitsuki said to her eight-year old, her eyes wide. “Though people don’t make that connection anymore so they didn’t ever rebrand. They used to drink Coca-Cola when people got sick. It cleared out your sinuses, sure, but it also made you shout really loud and go streaking through the park. Ha! Anyway, where was I?”

“The. Uh… oh, the nutriss- nuturish-”

“Ah, nutritional facts. Say it with me, baby: Nutrition. Noo-trish-un.”

“Nutrition,” they said together. Katsuki smiled. Bet dumb Deku doesn’t know that one.

“So, the legacy of old-fashioned chemistry is that the nutritional value of foods isn’t really evaluated beyond the physical makeup of the food.” These were big words but Katsuki got the gist, and Mitsuki knew that. “It doesn’t tell you what those things do for you and your body, beyond ‘fat is bad, protein is good,’ and even that’s just considered on a physical level in regards to your body. There is so much more to food mentally, and emotionally, that goddamn counts as nutrition.”

“God-damn.”

“Yeah, don’t say that,” she said half-heartedly. “And I don’t just mean ‘veg out whenever you need it solely because it makes you feel good.’ Don’t totally disregard physical nutrition. I mean that food making you feel good shouldn't be totally disregarded either. Spices, for instance.” Katsuki cheered from his seat. “Yeah, you like spice.

“Food should taste good. It drives me up the goddamn wall when I see those health bitches on the TV drain out the grease from their meat. Right down the sink. That’s what makes it taste good! If you don’t want grease, eat turkey! And the ‘nutritional’ benefits of draining the grease hardly outweigh the emotional satisfaction of a good-tasting meal. At that point, it’s just a practice in self-sabotage, in pointless, self-inflicted suffering. And for what, so you get kudos from Nestle, who happens to be rolling out their new line of trans-fat free crackers? Please.”

She ladled the curry onto a plated bed of rice with a sigh. The smell made Katsuki’s tummy gurgle. He licked his lips really slowly, the same way he saw Spongebob do on the TV that morning.

“Anyway, my point is - when something tastes good, that’s good nutrition. Being healthy is being happy, and if the food you’re eating makes you happy, that is healthy. I’ll eat my pickles whole from the jar, even if Dr. Oz gives me a lip about ‘it’s too much sodium,’ and do you know why? Because I love the crunch of a fresh pickle, and I know that as sure as I know that there’s two grams of carbs in it because the sticker on the side tells me so. I know I love it so I do it, and that’s a beautiful thing. That’s something I deserve.”

She slid the steaming plate, loaded with peas, potatoes, and carrots in curry, across the table to her son. He reached for the fork, but she snapped it away at the last second. Katsuki looked into his mom’s eyes. “Say it back to me, baby: ‘Food should taste good.’”

“Food should taste good, mama.”

“I deserve this good food.”

“I… I deserve this good food.”

“That’s my baby, now eat up.”

A tear squeezed through Bakugou’s eyes at the memory, and fell down his cheek into the pan. He didn’t even remember the last part until it all ran through his head.

God, he couldn’t help it, and there was no one around to prove anything to - he made the effort to muffle himself with shallow breaths, but he let the tears flow free and hot down their tracks. This time they reached his chin. He asked the ceiling, berating himself on how foolish he was to think it would answer: did he still even deserve it?

[hanadolphieron]

mia as a girlfriend~

how you met;

you met at a hotel in the bahamas, in the little club thingo they had for people who couldn’t drink but were above 18

you struck up a conversation with her while playing one of the arcade games

you lost horribly because you were a bit distracted by the pretty girl next to you

she still complimented you though:) she’s so sweet

you ended up hanging out together for the rest of the night

at one point you made her laugh so hard she started crying

poor eunji

you keep seeing each other at the hotel

and your friend groups that you travelled with have of course been told about the night at the club and have made it their mission to get you guys together

it’s awkward at first

but the absolutely delectable buffet brunch serves as a great topic of conversation whenever things get quiet

you had to shove your friends out of the picture for a day to spend time with her

because you know when you meet someone you like and get that jealous. rushed feeling and want them all to yourselves?

yeah

you and eunji in a nutshell

however, your friends are more than happy to give you two some alone time and head to another beach, raising their eyebrows aggressively as they leave

the basics;

saying she’s clingy is an understatement

is hit with random urges to smoosh you into a hug and clumsily falls over you in an attempt to smother you

sagittarius venusians have a clumsy but cool way of expressing love

like it’s an attractive way of being dumb and chaotic around each other

shows off 24/7!

wants to impress you and receive compliments ):

wants to have magical moments with you and prepares a bunch of aesthetic dates

and i mean aesthetic

like searches through social media for the magicalest, most enchanting ideas she can find

which we’ll get to in the headcannons (:

shows her affection aggressively

in her mind, she’s the one who takes control of matters in the relationship, but in reality she feels safer letting you do things first and then she follows

it depends on how far you are into the relationship though, and what time of day it is

in the dark she’s more impulsive and spontaneous, while during the day and she follows your example more

but do not bring it up!

she does not like it if people call her a follower, and she takes pride in her leadership qualities

if you want to keep eunji happy, make sure to tell her about authentic qualities that make her her

but don’t label her too much

please describe her in worldy terms, and don’t box her in

but also give her security and safety

just understand her

this sounds so complicated but eunji needs it all

will tell you what she wants though, her aries moon causes her to be upfront about her emotional needs

won’t keep secrets from you

resolves conflict in a round-about way however

it might take her a while to apologize or find a solution, as she has to deep-think about the whole situation and find all the hidden meanings behind it

but once she does that, she’ll bring it up and be so understanding of how you feel and incredibly selfless about the whole situation

on the inside she is most likely looking for your apology too though

as anyone would be

isn’t huge on typical romantic affection

more like falling all over each other and more natural physical touches rather than planned out ones

headcannons;

so getting into eunji’s thoughtful dates ideas...

one of the first outings you went on together was a trip to a drive-in movie

you went to see mean girls because reasons

reasons being it was one of the only ones being shown and both of you wanted to see a movie that you had seen before in order to make more time for snuggling and whispering to each other

you made it through nine whole minutes of the movie before you flopped on eunji’s chest, making her “uf” and then stared at her

you raised your eyebrows at her

she tried not to laugh and almost spit on your nose trying to contain herself

proceeded to laugh even harder at that and had to push you off in order to not die of suffocation from your head

you kept making each other laugh and combust from trying not to make noise and disturb the other movie-goers who were probably in the same situation as you to be honest

the two of you quieted down after a while, and you ended up cuddled into eunji’s chest while she stroked your head

so wholesome i’m crying

onto the next date-

this once consisted of returning to the hotel where you met because memories!

both of you ended up crying and confessing your love to each other about a thousand times because you guys are emotional messes and are way too attached

tries to sweet-talk the life-guard into letting both of you go down a one-person slide together because you were too scared to do it alone

they didn’t let you

which wasn’t too disappointing, as eunji would most likely yell in your ear and cause you to scream even more

you stuffed yourselves at the same brunch bouffet

and then at dinner too, with a delightfully weird mix of food- chicken fried rice, sausage pizza, snickerdoodles, one (1) carrot, and a massive fruit kebab

and a fortune cookie too

you kept trying to eat eunji’s hair because it “tastes like sodium yummy!”

she retaliated and tried to consume your’s, but missed and bit your ear instead

in a very unsexy way

luckily it didn’t bleed

but eunji still cooed over you and babyed you for the rest of the day

she didn’t let you eat her salty hair though ): said it was “too dangerous for a wee child like you”

petnames;

pumpkin-

used by both of you, but mostly you

she gets so flustered and it’s the cutest thing you have ever seen in your life

she put her hand over her mouth, blushed, and said, “pumpkin?” in the voice-crackiest voice the first time you called her it

both of you melted to say the least and collapsed onto each other

losing control of body limbs seems to be a reoccurring theme in your relationship hmm

child-

used by her of course

calls you this whenever she needs you to do something and doesn’t feel like using you know, your actual name

from across the store- “child! would you like tostitos or would you prefer to indulge on a whale-sized can of beans?”

“lettuce!”

ok i’ll stop now

[hainethehero]

The HARRINGROVE War AU that no one asked for...

"Jetty!"

"Oh fuck!"

"Fucking hell man! We're fucking dead-"

"Shut the fuck up Meyers!"

"Andrews! Get the medic!"

"Fuck- my goddamn arm!"

"Tommy-!"

The sounds are still in his head, knocking around his brain inside his skull. His eyes haven't closed in days and he's pretty sure his skin is falling off his bones. He feels sick and dirty and his hair feels dirty and unkempt. It had grown back so fast in the short period of time he'd been here... in Hell.

His body hurts, bones jarring and scraping against each other with every movement. There's a throbbing on the left side of his ribs, and the stinging pain of a festering wound on his right. It's been burning for days. His legs are sore, right leg wrapped up to the knee and oozing thick, dark red. The bandages around his head have started getting sticky with sickening ointment and congealed blood. His lips sting painfully every time he passes his tongue over them. They're cracked and busted in several places, red and raw where the skin's been opened.

God, what had they done to him?

He feels a presence near him and freezes, even though the bombs ringing in his head don't quite stop exploding.

"Hi Ms. Nancy, how's he been?"

"You're always right on time Soldier."

The woman's voice sounds familiar but he can't place it in his hazed state.

"I made him a promise." The man responds, a dark, echoing loneliness in his voice.

"Of course," Ms. Nancy replies, walking closer to fix something very near to his left side.

And somehow, his body fails him and goes stiff, sitting upright with his eyes wide and frightened. His jaw is locked tight and his fists are clenched, knuckles white. Every instinct in his body is warning him to get away- to run away from the danger, as if he'd be torn apart by the bomb Ms. Nancy was currently setting atop the bed. A terrified whine escapes his throat and a solitary tear runs down his pale cheek.

"He's been getting worse huh?" The Soldier asks, not unkindly, just kind of sad.

"So far, we've only seen nine cases of men recovering from shell-shock. It's not promising... one of them died last night."

"Died? Did it spread?"

"No Soldier. He put a gun in his mouth."

There's a sudden silence that falls over them, cold breeze billowing through the over-arching windows of the stone Catholic church they'd set up the triage in. Even the pained and terrified moans and cries of grown men had fallen into the hush, as if God himself were present.

Then Ms. Nancy speaks again:

"There's been a new shipment of iodine and sodium hydroxide today. From the French. We've been ordered to ration it but I think he needs his wounds cleaned again."

"Thank you."

........................

He hates when the nurse bathes him.

Hates how useless it makes him feel. Hates that he'd become so cowardly, like a child afraid of the dark. Her thin but gentle hands wash over him, soothingly passing the clean water over his skin, careful not to disturb the wounds. But he feels so wounded all over.

By the time he's back in bed, the night has taken over for the day, and hundreds of his comrades have already conceded to sleep. But he stays wide awake, terrified and paranoid that a bomb's going to go off in the middle of the night and kill everyone while they rest peacefully. So he keeps his rifle by his bedside, ready for a fight.

"Goodnight Soldier." Ms. Nancy says softly, not to him, but to the man sitting beside him.

The Soldier's been with him since the trenches. He was a good man, and a steady presence of stability in these crazy days. He could recall some kind of kinship between them, comprised of half-hearted banter, terrible jokes and early morning conversations that were for their ears only. Talking to him had made being in those vile and unsanitary trenches a little better. They often talked about being back home, safe and surrounded by friends who loved them. Their families were another story but that was beside the point.

"Got a letter today," the Soldier tells him, drinking out of an aluminium canteen. His finger twitches, almost as if he's fighting to respond but is paralyzed to do so.

"From Maxine."

Maxine was Soldier's sister...

She told me that my Dad and Susan were planning to move out of California. Stupid, right? She said something about Indiana, and starting over in a small town. Who knows pretty boy? They might even move to that good ol' Hawkins you keep telling me about."

Pretty Boy... that's Soldier's pet name for him.

"A letter came for you too. From your father."

He must've gasped in shock because suddenly the Soldier is staring up at him with those unreal blue eyes, lips slightly parted in surprise. He feels the Soldier's hand on his shoulder and it's warm and comforting. It beds down the shock a little bit; shock at the fact that his father had written a letter to him. He may have been in shell-shock but even his mind could recall the time when John Harrington said that he was dead to him. That until he'd made something of himself, he would never be accepted- would never be his son.

"Steve? You with me kid?"

Kid.

The Soldier always called him that, despite being not much older himself. He preferred that nickname to rookie though, since he'd only just started while the Soldier had been on this tour since late last year. He remembers the absolute feeling of dread that had filled his body when the draft had come around and his name was on that godforsaken piece of paper. His parents had been all too ecstatic to ship him off on his merry way. He'd been writing to them, feverishly begging for their mercy. Hadn't gotten a letter back since he'd started writing to them.

"Wh- ...what d...does it say?" he hears himself ask softly, throat shaking with emotion. "Can- ...um, can you read it to me Bill?"

Billy- no longer the abstract Soldier in his mind- sighs and leans over in the chair, elbows resting on his knees. He's holding a piece of paper in his hands, fists closed tight, his knuckles white.

"Please Bill..."

"Hold on pretty boy," Billy whispers as gently as he can, blue eyes staring hard at the neat, professional penmanship of who must've been John Harrington, Steve's father. It was concise and void of any kind of human emotion.

"Steve,

Stop sending us letters. It upsets your mother and I'm much too busy to sit down and write replies."

Billy feels his heart break into pieces for the poor kid and he doesn't have the heart to put him through such harsh words. He folds it up quickly and clears his throat.

"Y'know what? I brought Max's letter by accident."

"W- what?"

"Must've left it in the command wing. It's fine, we can always get it some other time."

Steve looks at him, big brown doe-eyes confused and sad at the same time. "What if it's an emergency?"

Billy scoffs. "Trust me, they ain't fighting a war back in ol' Hawkins. Your folks can wait. You on the other hand, need to get some sleep."

A soft smile creeps up on Steve's pretty face and he blushes soft pink. "Well at least tell me what's been going on Boss."

That was his pet name for Billy.

"Where's Tommy?"

Billy's expression suddenly changes and he's no longer pained. Just angry. And lost and so fucking confused. War brought out the worst in men, and it was always hard to fight alongside the corpses of men he'd spent weeks, months in the trenches with. They were all family, and losing even one of them was the worst pains Billy had ever faced.

Steve's hopeful expression turns ever so slightly and now he looks awfully worried.

"Bill? Billy where's Tommy?"

Billy glances up into the kid's eyes and sees nothing but hopelessness there as realization dawns upon him. Steve bursts into wailing tears and crashes back onto the pillows, hands covering his face. His wails trigger some of the sleeping men and they wake up in a shock, disgruntled yells and curses filling the large hall.

"Settle down Soldier," a tired looking nurse hisses, looking more panicked than mad. She gives Billy a pointed glare and goes about on her way to putting the terrified men back to sleep.

Billy sighs and shushes Steve as gently as he can, petting the boy's soft hair until he quiets. He feels a weariness wash over him and crawls into the bed to lay down next to the kid. Steve wastes no time in burying his face in Billy's neck, silent sobs wracking through his frail body. Billy wraps him up in his arms, a scalding hot wave of protectiveness flaring inside his chest.

"It's okay kid, I've got you. I promise," he whispers in Steve's ear, stroking his back in slow, deliberate motions. The pretty brunette cries and cries until he cries himself to sleep, snuggled into the larger soldier, as if he was the only protection he needed.

Billy just holds him through the night.

[timextoxhajima]

HOSTIS, Chapter XX: Epilogue (FINAL)

BONUS TRACK - BRYAN ADAMS AND SARAH MCLACHLAN, DON’T LET GO

Previous Chapter (XIX: Rosa)

Member: Lee Hyunjae (tbz)

Genre (by chapter): drama, fluff

Category: Short Novel/Long Series

“i won’t let go.”

the first day you met lee hyunjae, he was dubbed one of the cutest boys in school. 

dark hair that draped over his forehead, fringe slightly in the way of his eyes which were bright, intelligent, scheming. 

girls in the school would swoon over his smile, the way he was so laid back with his friends, not to mention that brain he’s got stored up in his skull.

if you calculated the duration of ten years, counting from the day you first met him, it would’ve been 3650 days. 

then the day came that both of you tied for highest score in class in a quiz, and lee hyunjae thought that you, a girl, wouldn’t kick up a fuss when he scribbles all over your worksheet with zero remorse. 

but lee hyunjae underestimates you and he watches in seething anger while you throw his stationery out the window and yank on his hair. 

it was from that day forth, the both of you were known as ‘ares and ares’.

standing on stage with him barely five feet away was both degrading and prideful. scoring the highest possible scores in the national exam was a feat not many has achieved, yet having lee hyunjae accomplishing this alongside you leaves a bitter taste on your tongue.

they don’t release marks for national exams, so maybe, just maybe, had you gotten a few more marks higher than him, you’d beat him out.

at this point of time, four years of fighting was enough to drill the desire to defeat lee hyunjae right through you. a large, gaping hole in your chest where your heart was supposed to be, replaced by a block that dispenses irresistible hatred for him. 

then the prince you never knew you needed entered your life. he was tall, gorgeous, kind, though soft-spoken and sometimes a little dense, a little unwilling, but he cares, and it was enough for you.

younghoon was your route for escape on days you wanted to stop fighting with lee hyunjae. you lost count the number of times you felt like you were drinking the words off your textbooks and notes like alcohol for the sole sake of winning. winning a game nearly impossible to win.

who were you and who were you doing this for? maybe it was your parents, the fact that you came from a long line of medical practitioners. 

you didn’t want to disappoint anybody, no. 

but would you have gone so far if lee hyunjae was lazy? if he was unmotivated? if he didn’t contain the same fiery need to beat you at this game that had no end?

you will come to realise that his undying need to destroy you is as vehement as yours, maybe even stronger, you may never find out. and this realisation comes in the form of your chemicals sputtering out across the lab table, garnering you the one and only F grade you will ever have in your life.

but in the days that you enjoy seeing him smile, and having his hands on your cheeks with his lips on yours to tell you he loves you, you will find out that there was more mistake in your own hands than he put in place for you.

he didn’t make many changes to your experiment set up besides dilute just one of your chemicals. 

if you did the math correctly, you were the one who poured twice as much sodium chloride into the experiment than needed, causing the rampant spitting of gut-wrenching scented chemicals all over the desk. 

he was happy to see that he has pissed you off, but you remember the photo someone took of him when he was in a club, pressing his lips onto another girl despite the whole school knowing he was dating minhee. 

but in the seconds you wished could last longer when he was making love to you, there will always be that pang of guilt in the back of your head eating you away, no matter how many times he said he has forgiven you.

the girl in the picture was a friend he met in the club while with his friends from another school. lee juyeon, was it?

she had been dumped mercilessly by her jackass boyfriend and hyunjae was simply being a kind soul so as to chat her up, make sure she was sober enough to go home. 

of course, granted he was speaking the truth when he said this to you. 

the alcohol must’ve taken control of her nerves, her thoughts, her muscles, and the girl’s want for affection drove her forwards, crashing her lips onto hyunjae.

he was stunned, he was in shock, and he doesn’t recover fast enough for him to remove himself from her, giving your friend adequate seconds to snap a picture and send it to you. 

“lee hyunjae is cheating on choi minhee.”

hatred becomes infinite, and he hates you even more when you show minhee the picture after he barely ruined your experiment. 

losing minhee was comparable to ares stealing his sun, his moon, his stars. 

he decided he would steal yours too. 

but in the eyes that he uses to steal your love and your affection for him, you will find out that he feels terrible for investing time and effort into editing and posting that picture online. 

the four years abroad gives you time to think, gives you space to be your own winner, gives you enough to feel like yourself again.

that you were studying medicine because you wanted to help people. you wanted to save lives. 

you wanted to be someone’s light, for you’ve spent the last seven years being someone’s death match.

so it would never be enough for when you were dumped back into the same space as hyunjae again after ten years. 

you’ve run one gigantic round, only to end up in the same spot.

he is taller now, physically larger. his hair is dark brown compared to his black hair when you first met him at thirteen. he is cockier, more arrogant, more confident. 

he has that signature smirk on his face you’ve spent days plotting some kind of strategic idea to remove. 

but he is as beautiful as a rival could ever come, you will just never admit it until he confesses his love for you first.

for the first time in four years, you speak to him without driving your forearm into his neck and shoving him into a locker somewhere. the urge to stick a pen up his nose was jumping around inside you like a ping pong ball on a table, but you hold yourself together, bracing yourself for another painful, torturous period of your life. 

but time will tell you that despite spending so much time hating him and staying a safe distance away from him, you will grow to need him in your life. he is your driving force; he is your push to excel in life. 

then that kiss happened. all because he couldn’t shut his mouth. he snaps you into two like a twig after you remove his report. he makes you beg and apologise about something you don’t regret doing, because you know he would do the same.

he makes you watch how much your body was enjoying it, against your will. in all your years, there has not been a single soul who could break you. 

but he did, and he will remain the only person who can break you. 

then that intern came along despite the markings on your neck, despite the lack of balance your legs could offer you. 

eric was the sun after an eclipse. he was the rainbow after a storm, and he was the water you drink after a run. 

eric is who you wanted.

eric lips taste like a strange mixture of beer and blueberries, and he smells like the beach. 

how nice would it be to dig your toes into the sand, let the sun kiss your skin into a shade of honey, and listen to eric talk about why he loved doing what he’s doing?

but phtonos, the god of jealousy, will puppeteer hyunjae like a wooden doll, to remind you that he is the only one who can make you suffer a crack in your hardened, protective skin, where your hatred and intense emotions will spew out like blood from a cut. 

you should’ve known that there has been a shift in your dynamics, a shift that was immeasurable. 

not just because it was huge, but because it no longer involved who wanted to win. because it now involved the matters of the heart, the mind and the soul.

you were feeling it when he has his hand on your thighs infront of eric.

‘kitten’ becomes his spell for you. he who has you wrapped around his finger like a ring, not because he made you one, but because you chose to let him claim you. 

it should’ve been more obvious, given that the both of you were qualified, supposedly intelligent people. 

but it’s not. 

not until you fall for all his little moves and gestures. the way he knows how attracted you are to his physique, the way his muscles shift under his skin and the way you love to feast your eyes on his build. 

it becomes dangerously glaring to you that your relationship with hyunjae was getting more complicated by the second. when you have him buried inside you and you use eric to push him over his edge. when he rams into you the way you will never know how eric would. 

when you wake up in his bed the next morning and he’s right there next to you.

but it was like the universe was telling you to wake up and see your reality, and they send a reminder in the form of an old flame your way.

younghoon reminds you that the person you want isn’t the person you need, and you refuse to accept that they aren’t the same person. 

younghoon also tells you he still loves you, but that doesn’t leave a mark on your heart, not the same way it would when you would ditch eric and run off into someone else’s arms. 

but you would have to endure days of loss. it’s the feeling in your bones when you lose a loved one, it’s the feeling in your gut when you remember how younghoon broke up with you. he was not yours, and you were not his, so why did it hurt so much? why did it hurt to watch him hurt, and you didn’t know why?

there wasn’t enough gratitude in the world you could hold in your hands and pour it all over eric when you chose to leave him, your sun, for hyunjae, your toxic motivation.

that hug eric provides you reminds you that people cannot function without other people. it reminds you that you have a tumor in your heart you couldn’t diagnose. it reminds you that you can have the cure, and it was a choice of whether you wanted to embrace it, or save your pride and let it grow.

“i love you” was the last thing you’d ever expect to say to lee hyunjae, much less say it while he is kissing you, while he has his arms wrapped around you, while he is saying the exact same thing with tears rolling over his lower lids. 

choi minhee becomes a reminder that you don’t want anybody else involved between the two of you. mrs kang becomes a reminder that he loves you in ways he hates it, and the best part of it was that you knew exactly how he felt.

seeing his mother for the first time in ten years puts a look of pleasant surprise on her face. 

but her kind soul will impart the knowledge to the both of you that both families were just waiting for this to happen. it was just a matter of time.

eric’s last day has ended, and the friendship you have forged with him becomes so important, you could not be anymore grateful that the kiss at the party happened. 

had you not found out how eric would’ve tasted like, every other block of domino wouldn’t have tipped over the same way it eventually did. 

hyunjae has eric wrapped in his arms and eric’s cheeks turn red at the lack of oxygen in his system. 

“uh-- hyung-- i can’t--”

“oh, sorry!” 

eric clears his throat and adjusts his collar. you just had dinner with hyunjae and eric, and now you were standing before the building eric was residing in, with hyunjae’s car parked right opposite the road. 

“if i didn’t know better, i’d think you’re still mad at me for almost taking y/n from you.”

a light giggle runs across your lips and you raise a brow at eric. 

“ten points for wit, eric.”

hyunjae rolls his eyes and wraps his arm around your shoulder. 

“i would say i am... but it doesn’t matter. she’s here now, and she’s mine, not yours.”

eric raises both his palms up into the air, surrendering. he breaks out into small chuckles when hyunjae gives him a gentle punch to his shoulder.

then hyunjae releases you and holds out his hand, inviting eric to take it and they do one of those bro-hugs or shoulder bumps only guys would do.

“thank you, eric.”

but the strength of your friendship with eric will be proven unbreakable when he calls you up every month, inviting both you and hyunjae to a meal where you were supposed to eat with him on your date with him.

it is one year later that time comes hand in hand with your profession to teach you the value of life, for one of your patients flatlines in the middle of the night.

you were safely wrapped in hyunjae’s arms, souls wandering in each other’s hearts. 

doctor choi said it was unnecessary, but both you and hyunjae still run off to the car under the bright moon where wolves would be running and owls hooting, dressed in nothing more besides shirts and pants when you meet the elder doctor in the ward. 

mrs kang passed away in her sleep at 3.48am. 

it was her birthday. 

watching hyunjae break into a million pieces without physically resigning to his tears crushes you. 

you couldn’t help the one or two tears that managed to escape your eyes, and you were ready to bawl once you got back home, or to his place.

but hyunjae breaks down in the car without even starting it up. it’s horrible that it comforts you to know that he cries more over the death of someone than you, but nonetheless, he bares his soul to you, and you embrace it like it was a thin sheet of glass waiting to shatter in the wind.

life and time is relentless because it doesn’t stop for anybody. by the time mrs kang’s body was cremated and her ashes scattered into the ocean, there was already someone else in that bed, in need of your care. 

hyunjae bounces back to reality within a week. though you know his heart was still hurting, you remember he was a professional, and professional doctors try never to let their feelings take hold of their work.

the both of you make it a point to sit by the shore of the waters they scattered mrs kang’s ashes in every now and then. 

she must be so happy that the advice she gave hyunjae was true, that love will always find a way.

so you are choking in denial when you find yourself in the hallways of the school you first met hyunjae in, where you yanked on his hair and he scribbled all over your worksheets.

you were both invited back to the school to talk about pursuing medicine as a career, and the principal (who was no longer the greasy old man) lets the both of you roam about the compound.

“oh, wow,” you peer out the windows of the classroom where you threw his stationery out eleven years ago. “i wonder if anybody actually found your--”

you were turned around, ready to tease hyunjae for being the childish kid he was, only to see him on one knee just feet away from you. 

“pens...”

his eyes don’t leave yours while his hands fumble in his blazer, and he pulls out a red velvet box with the brand name engraved into it on the top. 

“i can only hope that one year has been enough for you to hate me a little less, because i know you still do. it’s the same for me.”

“but i know enough that i love you more than i hate you. you are stronger than i ever thought you were, you are smarter than i assume you are, and you are kinder than people expect doctors to be.”

the box opens, and the ring inside forces tears into your eyes. your heart is thumping against your chest and your hands fly up to your face to cover your mouth and nose.

“i’m sorry that i’ve given you so much pain and resentment, and i wish i could’ve earned your love without doing whatever i did. it is the last thing i want to see... seeing you hurt.”

“and i promise you that you’ll never have to hurt ever again. well -- if you get butthurt over my possible promotion--”

“hyunjae!”

“okay, okay,” he laughs and his smile was so bright, it finally pushes tears over your lower lids.

“i wish mrs kang was here to see this. to see that she was right.”

“we’ll fight everyday if it means you’ll fall more in love with me. because that’s what happened last year, and i didn’t know it. now i know i do, and i love you a little more every time you get upset when i win you in a game or everytime you rub it in my face when i lose. it means that you are worthy of being one half of ares, and now i want you to be my half of an ares.”

“so marry me, and don’t ever let go. i don’t know where i will find this -- you -- anywhere else.”

it feels like the sun was pouring itself all over you when the words run through your nerves and lay themselves all over you like a warm blanket. it feels like flowers blooming in spring after winter.

it feels like love.

it really does.

“will you marry me?”

the nod shakes your head first, and more tears billow out down your cheeks.

“yes, yes... yes, yes.”

hyunjae’s eyes were light and loving when he removes the ring from the box and slides it up your finger. your hands were trembling in his when he stands up, and you pull his face into yours to kiss him.

every puzzle piece in your life falls into place. that was such a cliche thought, but you now know what it really means to be half of a whole. 

all this while, you were one of two, so becoming half of one feels more intimate. it tastes sweet on your tongue and it feels warm on your body.

he is smiling when he pulls away, fingers stroking your cheek so gently like he was afraid to break you. 

you laugh under your breath while you close your fist, feeling the ring around your finger and letting the reality set into your existence.

then you look up into his eyes and you see not stars, but fire in them. and you decide that fire was all you needed.

your arms wrap around his neck this time, already pulling him in towards your lips while his arms snake around your waist.

“i won’t let go.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~ END ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

@vxstarlightxv​ asked to be tagged so i did :”) she is the author of 17.5 in case you guys didn’t know.

A/N: i am SAD this is over. like... it feels weird to know that i don’t have to wake up and worry about how to fuck these two up even more as if they already aren’t fucked up on their own kdsjdksd.

this has been my first e2l fic i think, and it was such a ride. i’m not a fan of the e2l trope because i found it unrealistic, so when i started out on hostis, i had to make a conscious effort to make sure it is believable, that their dynamics is buyable, and that their story isn’t cringey or shallow.

i’ll best be honest i am sad this isn’t an eric fic ujfsod, #teameric :(

anyway, personally i hate BOTH y/n and hyunjae. but their dynamics definitely get more endearing after their confession (“but dana what’s the fun of that??”) yes i know i’m boring welps. 

it has been such a crazy ride with hostis, i have headaches every now and then writing for these two fktards bec they are so ANNOYING but i’m SOOOO grateful that you guys love them so much :”)

once again, i thank you all for finding joy and comfort in reading my work. it will ALWAYS mean alot for a writer to have readers. 

with this, we come to the end of hostis, and may you find your very own dr. hyunjae ;)

i’ll see you soon with a juyeon one shot :”) lets all die together cause ik i will LMAO

- love, dana