#and this entire rant stems from not getting a response for a couple of days which just goes to show I'm wildly overinvested

[rubenesque-as-fuck]

Date guy was supposed to get back to me with what days worked for him for a second night out either yesterday or today but so far I haven't heard anything. I wanna text him to ask but also don't want to seem too clingy/desperate. People on the FWB track aren't supposed to need attention or reassurance, right? Telling myself that if he actually wants to go on another date, he'll contact me. He's got plenty more people to choose from besides me, anyway. Why whould he be in a rush.

Maybe this is why I almost always just keep my walls up and just turn down like 99% of the various app messages and/or dates I go on. Because as soon as I feel even a little teeny tiny bit of actual interest then I get way too fucking invested. Start agonizing about small details and stupid shit like the length of time between replies. Can't even get a timely response when I've already said I'm down to screw around. Maybe it's better to just stay numb and reject everybody because then at least it feels like it's *my* decision to be alone.

But then I'd never even have a chance to get laid, right? I guess I should get back to swiping. God I fucking hate dating app culture so much it all makes me wanna hurl. Just blow chunks all over my dating history.

[catxsnow]

LIFE SAVER B.A.

Request: Could I request Bart Allen x reader where she is the blood daughter of Bruce Wayne- maybe make her superhero alias phoenix or something and she falls hard for him. Bruce is a protective father and wants Bart to prove himself of being worthy for her hand. Fluff.

Warning: mentions of blood, violence, Bruce being a bad dad, fluff, angst, swearing

A/N: Y’all had me so distracted playing Among Us I nearly forgot to post 

Anyways, first Bart fic, hope you guys enjoy!! 

Word Count: 3.3k

"Bruce you're being fucking ridiculous."

Joining the Young Justice Team was your father's idea. Tim was there, Dick was still the leader, and you deserved your spot there as well. You despised the idea at first - it was easier working with Batman than it was a bunch of kids, even if two of your brothers were on the team. It didn't seem fair that he was making you go as well.

You never talked to very many people there - Tim, Dick, sometimes Conner. It was easier just to stick by yourself until the mission came. Maybe that was the Bruce in you - wanting to be alone and independent - maybe that was just you not wanting to make friends. Tim fit in well, Dick founded the team. They were meant for this, you weren't.

Maybe that was the reason you were excited to see a new face when Bart arrived. He was just as annoying and over energetic as everyone else you knew, but there was still something different about him. He wasn't like Wally or Conner or even your brothers. He carried a weight on his shoulders that he desperately tried to hide.

Not to mention that he seemed to know all the right things to make you smile. Bart became close to you, closer than you had been than anyone else. Dick was the first to notice. He watched you sneak into Bart's room at night to hang out and play video games or that the two of you would always make sure you were together on missions.

It was subtle at first, until Beast Boy noticed and started spreading around that you were dating - totally not true. However, in Bart's eyes it seemed to be enough to grow a pair and kiss you. His time was less than fortunate - maybe customs were different in the future but in that day and age you generally wouldn't have asked for your first kiss with him to be in front of your entire team.

Things with him were going great, at least until Tim snitched on the both of you to your father. Bruce was pissed that you were dating Bart. Not only did he not trust the speedster, he didn't want you dating anyone. You last boyfriend hadn't ended well and Bruce still had to be held back from breaking his bones.

"I've made my decision. That's final." Bruce was sitting in front of his computer. His cowl was down, but he refused to meet eyes with you. He could hear you pacing back and forth behind him. Anger rolled off you like waves - there was no way that he could do this to you. Not when he let you have so much responsibility as Batgirl.

"I'm sixteen! You can't just let me fight assholes every night but not let me have a boyfriend!" You yelled at him. It was beyond frustrating that he refused to look at you. It had only been a couple months that you were dating Bart but losing him hurt more than anything else. Bruce couldn't do this to you.

"I told you already. You're not dating that boy. He hasn't proved himself yet."  

"Bart has proved himself over and over again! You just couldn't give him the time of day to notice!" You exclaimed. Bruce couldn't even bother to turn back and look at you as you defended your boyfriend. He didn't care for Bart from the start, and now more than ever he wasn't willing to give him a chance.

"I said no."

"Fuck you, Bruce," You finally snapped. As much as he hated when you swore and yelled at him like this, it happened more often than either of you were willing to admit. It was rare for you to ever see eye to eye with your farther. Dick was the same, Tim was learning. Jason was the only person that you seemed to constantly get along with and now he's gone.

Bruce still didn't turn to you. Without another word, you left the cave and headed straight to the nearest Zeta Tube. He couldn't stop you. Unless he wanted to pull you from that team - which he didn't - you would still see Bart every day. There was no way that he could keep you from seeing him.

It broke you knowing that your father wanted to take away the one thing that made you happy on that team. Did Dick know? Tim? Unlikely. Your chest ached at the betrayal. Fists clenched at your sides as you entered the cave and tears threatening to burn your eyes. Why did he have to be so damn persistent?

Instead of heading to your room like you wanted to, you went directly to the training room. There was no point in sulking over your hurt feelings when you could direct them to training. Bruce instilled that into you too. It seemed that all of your bad traits stemmed from him.

A sword twirled in your hand as the simulation started up. Fake assassins came at you from every angle  but none of them stood a chance against your anger. You moved effortlessly around the room, taking down every faux enemy in your way.

Sweat dripped down your body and you had lost track of how long you had been going at it. The sword began to feel heavy in your hands from swinging it around. Your muscles started to scream at you to stop but every time you tried, you got filled with another wave of rage. Fuck Bruce.

You had been so caught up that you hadn't noticed someone walk into the room. If you hadn't noticed the bright red hair, you would have assumed it to be another simulation. The tip of your sword stopped centimeters away from his eye. You had stopped yourself just in time.  

Bart pushed your sword down and watched your chest heave up and down from the exertion that you had put yourself through. He raised his eyebrows as you said nothing to him, just turned away and put your weapon back in it's place. Sweat soaked your shirt and you realized how lightheaded you were.

Your hands gripped onto the table in front of you. Bart sped over and sat right by your hands. He watched your eyes squeeze shut before popping open at his appearance. Dating the kid of Batman meant he had to get used to the brooding - tonight it seemed different. He was worried.

"What's wrong?" Bart asked. For the first time, he sounded timid around you. He could see the look in your eyes, the way you pushed yourself that night, even how your muscles tense with frustration. Something had gone haywire when you were home in Gotham. "Hey," he placed his hand over yours to get your attention.

"Bruce," you scoffed. Bart knew you didn't always get along with your father. You'd come to him ranting and screaming about how neglected you felt you whole life. Whatever it was this time, it really must have gotten you riled. "Tim told him we're dating and now he's riding my ass about it. He doesn't want us together."

Confusion struck his face. He had never given Bruce, or your brothers, a reason to dislike him when it came to dating you. He was always kind and loving, never willing to let anyone hurt you. Sure, he might have been a bit odd compared to the others, but he was the only one to get you to truly open up on that team.

Bart clenched his jaw. What was he supposed to say? Batman scared him, a lot. He saw the tremble in your china and the way that you squeezed your eyes shut. Bart placed his palm on your cheek and kissed the corner of your lips. He didn't want to lose you.

He couldn't.

><

It seemed to be incredibly tense whenever you were around your family. You refused to talk to Bruce again and each time you were in the room with Tim everyone could feel how angry you were. He didn't mean to stir trouble when he told Bruce about your life with Bart, he didn't think he would react that badly.

Dick was trying his best to play mediator. He split you and Tim up whenever he got the chance and made sure to keep you and Bart together so he wouldn't get on your bad side as well. At the same time, Bruce continuously stopped in or asked Dick what was going on. Someone was always lurking over you when you were with Bart.

Whenever Batman was around, Bart became nervous - and distant. He didn't stand by you, sometimes he didn't even look at you. Though you knew that you couldn't blame him for being nervous around your father, it still made you angry. Not at him, never at him, but Bruce. He continuously fucked up your life.

The only way that Bart would ever get his approval was to defy death itself to be a hero. If Bruce was human and would put his life on the line, then he expected Bart to do so as well considering he had powers. His expectation was ridiculous, Bart risked his life every day right along side you on that team. Why did that not seem to be enough?

Bruce had another chat with you that evening. He stopped to the cave before you mission that evening. Unfortunately for you, it had been a bad time for him to come barging in without knocking. You and Bart had been tangled in your bed with needy kisses being shared.

You could still hear the coldness in his voice as he ordered Bart to leave. The tone he used when he yelled at you for still seeing him. The embarrassment you had when you left your room to join your team who had all heard you screaming match with your father. Bruce said nothing to your brothers, he only glared.

Dick assigned the teams for that night. You, Bart, and Gar were team beta. Bart looked hesitant to be near you again. To be honest, you couldn't blame him. Gar looked hesitant to be with you both, his eyes darted between you as if you had just broken up. That was far from the case - you weren't letting your father dictate you life like this.

As much as Bart knew this, it still made him weary. If there was one person that he never wanted to defy, it was the Bat. He still didn't know how you stood up to him so easily - swearing, calling him by his first name - he was your father. Then again, your relationship with him was far from perfect.

The mission itself seemed easy. A simple recon for your team - but just like nearly every recon mission that this team had - something went wrong. Things were going smoothly at first, at then gunshots started within the building and innocent screams being heard. You couldn't sit around while people were getting hurt.

So, breaking what you had promised Dick, you swooped in to save the people. Unfortunately for you, there were far more people than expected. Gar and Bart were out of sight and you couldn't rely on them in that moment. Your staff twirled around, taking down man after man. Bullets narrowly missed you, but at least the attention was off the civilians.

Bart had finally gotten back to you, he had been busy with his own men before he could join. "Impulse! Get the people out!" You shouted at him. Bart did as he was told, taking two at a time far away from the building and to safety while you held your own. Gar had finally caught up with you, too.

The two of you took out nearly every man in that building. All of them were unconscious or had surrendered. All except one. Gar could see the man behind you raise his gun, he yelled out trying to get your attention but it was too late. The trigger had been pulled and a bullet flew right towards you.

Bart felt like everything was happening in slow motion. He had just finished getting the last civilian to safety. When he ran back in he saw the bullet speeding at your chest. He pushed his legs faster than he had ever gone before to try and get you to safety as well. His hands out stretched to try and catch the bullet before it made contact.

Unfortunately for him, he had miscalculated the trajectory. Rather than catching the bullet in his palm, he had dove right in front of it. Bart stood there in shock as blood seeped from his chest. He looked over to you, fear in his eyes at the found. Had it not been for Beast Boy taking the shooter down, you would have been shot as well.

"Bart! No, no no," You panicked. He fell into your arms before hitting the ground. His blood soaked your hands as you put pressure on the wound to stop him from bleeding. Tears slipped down your face at the state of him. His face was contorted in pain and he was trying his best to be strong for you.

Gar dropped down to your side beside the both of you, worried as well. Bart placed his hand over yours and tried his best to smile up at you. "Speed healing, babe. You wouldn't have been so lucky." It was true, a bullet for him was an inconvenience for an hour, for you, it could have been a lifetime.

"I don't give a shit about your speed healing, Bart. I don't like seeing you hurt."

"Would have done it without it anyways. Anything to save you."

><

When you showed back up to the cave with blood on your hands and all of your suit, Bruce immediately went into protective mode. He assumed it to be yours and was ready to bite the head off of anyone involved. As expected, his blame was ready to go directly to Bart.

It wasn't until he saw the redness in your eyes and the way Gar held onto Bart like his life depended on it did he realize that you weren't hurt. You were fine, pissed and worried, but you would live. Bruce didn't say anything as you brought your boyfriend to the med bay to get stitched up.

Bart was going to just fine. Like he said, he had speed healing - you didn't. Had that bullet pierced your skin instead, you wouldn't have held on long enough to make it back to the cave like he did. You were grateful for him, as much as you thought him an idiot to do so.

Dick had convinced you to go wash up while he was in the med bay. His wound was nearly healed and he was on his way to be back to new within the hour. His healing abilities still went forgotten by you and getting it through your head that he was going to be okay was hard to accept.

However, Dick was right. You needed to get cleaned up sooner or later and seeing the blood on your hands was only a harsh reminder of what had happened. The sound of the gunshot echoed through your head, the look on his face as he realized he didn't catch the bullet but got hit by it, they were etched into your brain.

No matter how hard you scrubbed, you still couldn't rid the images out of your brain. Rashly, you jumped out of the shower and through on the closet pair of sweats and hoodie - both of which belonged to Bart. He was okay, but you needed to see him to make sure that he really was.

Water still dripped down you, leaving a trail of foot prints from your room all the way to the med bay. However, as you reached the room, you stopped in your tracks. Through the glass you could see your father standing over Bart. Your boyfriend was nodding along to whatever he was saying - a hint of fear in his face.

What could Bruce possible have to say to Bart? After what he had done for you, there was no way that he could rip a new one into him. Bart had saved your life, and if Bruce still couldn't see how good of a person that he was, you weren't sure what would.

Without another thought, you swung the door open. Both the men turned towards you, both happy to see you there.

"What the hell are you doing?" You snapped to Bruce. The conversation that he had with you before the mission bounced around in you mind. In what world was it good timing to try and break you up once more right after your boyfriend was shot trying to save your life. "How dare you come to Bart after he's saved my life and try to -"

"(Y/N)," Bart cut you off. "It's okay." Your eyebrows furrowed at his words. Okay? How was it okay that Batman was trying to split you apart? How was it okay that your own father couldn't accept that you loved Bart? Nothing about this was okay.

Bruce said nothing. He moved to stand directly in front of you. His hand squeezed your shoulder for a brief moment before leaving the two of you alone. Still unsure of what that meant, you turned your attention back to Bart who was now fully healed and ready to go.

Slowly, he sat up in the bed until his feet dangled off the edge. To your surprise, he didn't look stressed or worried from his previous conversation. Instead, there was a small smile spreading on his lips. It grew as you ran into his arms. All the fear you had washed away being held by him.

"I was so scared," You whispered. Bart pulled away from you to kiss you. His lips molded perfectly against your. This was long awaited, far too long. You needed his kiss, his touch, you missed it in the short time that he had been injured. "What did he say to you?"

"Thank you," he answered. Your eyes widened in shock - Bruce never said thanks to anyone, especially to someone he hated as much as Bart. "For keeping you safe. And happy. For loving you when he can't."

"Bruce? My father? Batman?" You questioned. There was no way that he said anything like that. Not when he was so adamant on getting you broken up this whole time. Bart nodded. "So he doesn't want us broken up anymore?"

"Babe, if all it took was getting shot I would have done that a long time ago," Bart laughed. You smacked his shoulder, wishing that he wouldn't joke about that. It petrified you to have him shot right in front of you. The fear you had nearly wasn't worth your father's approval. "I'm kidding. Sort of. Not at all, actually. I'd do it again for you."

"No the hell you wouldn't," you scolded. "I swear Bart Allen for someone who thinks as quickly as you do, you make some dumb decisions."

"Part of my charm," Bart chuckled. He kissed your lips one more time before standing up. A coy look flashed in his eyes - that was never good from him. "There are some ways that you could make it up to me, ya know? I mean a man takes a bullet for you.. that sounds worthy of something special."

"Are you thinking kisses or a ridiculous amount of Big Belly Burger because I could go for either right now."

"Babe, it's like you read my mind."

[celticcrossanon]

I’m so sorry for the rant. I just needed to clear my head and got compelled to do it in your inbox. 🙇🏾‍♀️

Not a question just some thoughts. Sorry I’m spamming you so much. I just read your latest reading about the wanna be“tour” and all I can do is SMH. I think to some extent we saw this coming but they are dialing it up and expanding. Conscious humans would’ve called it quits by now. The Remembrance Day pap walk, Going to elementary schools, “donations”, writing letters like they are world leaders, etc. On one hand I can’t see this becoming much of a “thing”. I don’t think MM and Jarry will go on doing this for long unless they can get some Hollywood to pay attention and acknowledge them. I think another reason with the more public European Royals work so well in their media is because their countries are relatively small, like California and Texas are on the large side in comparison, am I right? So much can happen on one side of the country that I only hear of thanks to friends back in California. I can’t see these two visiting any farm in Montana as “royals” if ever. They got a Clinton and Perhaps more big names and “engagement” is to come (oh god 🤦🏾‍♀️) I’m sure they and the sugars are just loving it but it all looks, sounds and feels so incrediblly STUPID & ABSOLUTELY VAPID AND INSULTING. etc etc. I cannot stand entitled people and the fact that these two cut off, trashed, and demand from their own families for a fleeting moment in the spotlight is unfathomable. That’s a testimony to how strong narcissistic delusions can be. It must be the best high I could ever ask for. 🖤Im new to “Royal Watching” if you can call what I do ‘that’, so I don’t really care about all the other indiscretions. I don’t trust the media and I think it’s just the BRF turn in the hot sun to catch hell. See Andrew, see the Clintons and all the others. Whatever drama is going on with Charles, see the rest of big business. I’m a narcissistic abuse survivor and I still study on the disorder. Now here I am watching these two who make my skin craw, this train needs to SPEED UP . I think I’m just looking for a bit of JUSTICE in the world right now. Between this administration, COVID, my job and all my other drama (I’m sure we all have some, if not BLESS YOU and pass it on 🥺) I’m flabbergasted and a little sick in my stomach at watching yet another set of people be able to walk through life seemingly so unbothered. It’s like the world is closing in and I’m suffocating. 🖤Like, your telling me that just because he was born a Prince and she married him and found a way to have children they get to get away with all of this?. The entitlement, the lies, the forced Wokery, using heavy and important subjects like mental health and racism for a PR boost all just to get a⭐️ on the Hollywood walk of Fame? For a couple of royals they sure know how to dump cold water on ya, they are the epitome of LIFE ISNT FAIR. And I’m sure that all depends on perspective, for example; their sugars who must be going diabetic RN. THEY think they have suffered as well. Look at the Cambridge’s who have not put a foot out of place yet have to deal with these tantrums from all over their family. All families have drama and I can see how the Harkles and the rest could be a payback of the Firm and family as a whole. The Queen covered so much and never really saw that Henry and Andrew and god knows who else were set straight. Look what having so much privilege can do. But is there a limit, anywhere?🖤

🖤Anyways, another thought I had was, this could be the end for any thought of reunion. This Narcissist has worked her magic and this clueless tone deaf fool has really gone and done it. I was driving and I thought of Prince William and the entire remaining Windsors & Mountbatten Windsor’s and the whole Aristocracy cutting the Harkles off entirely because the BRF called a wrap (or had to) and the UK became a Republic after Her Majesty. MM get the privlage in her narcissistic head that she’s the last ever to become a Duchess, Cathrine wouldn’t become the Princess of Wales and it all came down in part because of her and Henry’s actions. Yes Andrew and whoever else aren’t helping but these two made it exceptionally difficult. I think they would take pride in that especially publicly but only when they are praised for it. I think the Cambridge’s would have an easier time with moving on with their family, free to live as they please with no pressure to serve the public. Cathrine can be “lazy”, sleep in, & raise her kids and Wills is free to🖕 the paps who would surely still follow them. A La “where are they now”. The two that would have it the worse are the Harkles as they last bit of what they had to separate them from the rest of Hollywood is gone, no more Royal sheen but they don’t have much now. It would be stupid to use the titles after an abolished monarchy but they’d do it and expose themselves further.🖤 If you made it this far, one last thing. I got cut off while driving. That’s not unusual in this Miami traffic and usually i ignore it but with my mental state I couldn’t help but to compare. it was a packed road and I just really wanted to know where the heck the fire was. Why did this person need to rush so much on a busy road that no one else mattered even though we all have somewhere to go? That’s how I feel about the Harkles. What’s the point, where are they going? They went to New England for Christ sake to play faux royalty, in more trashy outfits might I add. 🤦🏾‍♀️

I guess I do have a question, DOES THE WORLD REALLY BELONG TO THOSE WHO JUST Get UP AND TAKE IT?

Thanks for humoring me and providing this space. ✌🏾

Note: My apologies for this very long post, everyone. I can't put a page break in and the writer needs to let it all out. I am sure a lot of you will be feeling somewhat similar to them.

Reply under the cut, so this is not any longer

Hi april14vc,

You are welcome to rant here.

It sounds like you have a lot going on at the moment and it is all becoming a bit much to handle, as there is no relief anywhere. Is there something fun and relaxing that you can do for you sometime today, just to have a break from it all? I feel like you need to tune out for a bit and do something that is just for you.

I am so sorry that you suffered from narcissistic abuse, and so glad that you survived this. I think the Harkle shenanigans must hurt you in a more personal way than those of us who have never suffered under a narcissist. It is very hard to watch the Harkles seemingly get away with all their entitled abuse without any form of justice coming for them.

I think the Harkles are suffering. They usually are unable to get any sort of attention from the media unless they pay for it, and even then they don't trend - it is a 'blink and you miss it' situation. Look at what happened with Meghan's 40 for 40 program - it was dead in the water before the day was over, and she spent a fortune on PR for that. Compare that to the natural (not paid for) hype that surrounds anything that the BRF does, especially the Cambridges or HMTQ. That hype and attention is what Meghan wants, and she is not getting it.

What the Harkles are getting, and what they hate, is mockery. Look at the response to their Times 100 cover. Look at the comments on this pseudo-royal tour. They are a walking joke, and no narcissist would like that. They tried to cull all negative press while they were members of the BRF, were unsuccessful in stemming all of it, and now have no clout at all to stop any negative media attention. The Harkles may live in a delusion of success, but to the vast majority of people they are no more than very risible z-list celebrities.

The Harkles also have serious money troubles. They may be ignoring them, but those debts will have to be paid, one way or another.

What we are seeing now is the slow slide of the Harkles into obscurity, and their desperate attempts to reverse the process, which never work. They are no more popular and wanted now than they were at the time of Megxit, and in fact their popularity has declined since those days. They may look like they are winning, but it is all an illusion, caused by the amounts of money they are prepared to pay to give the illusion of wealth and star-quality celebrity. The paid for events happen, and then nothing. The paid for PR happens, and then nothing. Their slide downwards continues, and nothing that they do is reversing it.

Yes, at the moment they are on a high and beaming put of every report on their activities. Wait a week and then see where they are. This is like the Oprah interview all over again.

My next reading is going to be on the consequences of this pseudo-royal tour for the Harkles, so maybe there will be some justice for you there.

Edited to add: As for taking down the monarchy, I can't see that happening. For starters, the British government would have to put the matter to the people for a vote, and even if they are insane enough to do that, I can't see the British public voting to remove a beloved Queen because of the antics of two people who are despised that that country. The logistics of replacing the monarchy are also staggering - you have to rework the entire government of not just Great Britain, but of all the commonwealth realms who have HMTQ as Head of State, and that is not an easy task or a light undertaking. In addition, those Commonwealth Realms can keep HM as their head of state even if she is ejected by the British people (which would never happen, but I am stretching the bounds of probability here). After HMTQ comes Charles, who will have a short reign simply because of his age and health, and then William will be king, and he is also loved by the British public. I just can not see all that thrown away for the Harkles, who are rightly hated by the British public.

[my-bated-breath]

On an Immensely Popular Post

Disclaimer: What I’m writing here may not be completely accurate -- like most works of art, literature, and even STEM tend to be -- and as a new fan of ATLA, a few of the metas I publish may be obsolete or unintentionally insensitive. That being said, I like to believe that I can contribute something valuable to this fandom. In all my (real) metas, I wish to be as objective as possible and not rely on my biases, fanon, or common “knowledge” that may just be misconceptions. If anyone reading this finds something to be false or contrived, I am always welcome to constructive criticism. What I am not welcome to is senseless hate or bashing.

My first experiences with the ATLA fandom begun a long, long time ago, but the most recent and powerful revival of my love for ATLA started with me actually watching the show and soon after, with me falling into the endless abyss of ATLA metas on Tumblr. Sifting through the well-written analyses and the emotion-based rants had taught me a lot about critical thinking and the power of influence, so now I’d like to present a meta that critiques an extremely popular post with over 60,000 notes. And since it’s so popular, this is the part where I must make yet another disclaimer.

Disclaimer: I hold nothing against lesbians4sokka (whose name has now been changed to comradekatara). They have the right to share what they want, but since this particular post has become so influential that it’s still being reblogged regularly to this day, I believe it is within my right to criticize it - emphasis on “criticize,” which is different from “hate.”

Now that that’s out of the way, let us begin:

Lesbians4sokka/comradekatara covers 3 main subjects in their post, which I will quote/summarize below:

(1) Ma/iko: “...the entire foundation of mai and zuko’s relationship was built on how miserable they were together, and how they would just sit there and hate the world together— letting their misery fester as they enabled each other’s depression— and I think that’s really unfortunate because they would work so well as friends if they weren’t trying to make their dumpster fire of a relationship work.”

(2) Zutara: “similarly, what makes zuko and katara’s dynamic so compelling is that they share the same flaws, only as opposed to mai’s apathy and misery, it’s katara’s rage and guilt that zuko identifies with. they both share trauma over having lost their mothers, and both in a similar way (sacrificing themselves for them) and they both cope with their grief through rage, often misplaced… katara and zuko have a deep & profound friendship, but if they were to be in a relationship, they would only bring out the absolute worst in each other thru enabling each other’s rage and emotion-driven decision making.”

(3) Z/uk/ka: this pairing makes for a healthy and wholesome relationship because throughout the boiling rock, we see that “sokka and zuko make an excellent team, as they balance each other perfectly. sokka thinks big picture, and plans ahead, but zuko will charge into situations.” They inspire each other, they trust each other unconditionally, they become more open and supportive of each other, they share a lot of common interests and narrative parallels, and in general, just make each other happy (which could work both platonically and romantically).

As for my response: I’m sure many of you are expecting me to start to save the “best for last.” That assumption would be incorrect because I actually have the least to say about point 3.

I agree that Z/uk/ka can be a good relationship. Their dynamic is funny, playful, supportive, etc. etc. (there are so many positive adjectives I could use to describe their dynamic, the list could go on forever). And they could make a great couple.

…

What, did you expect more from me? That’s it, I’m done.

I’m not here to attack Z/uk/ka as a ship, because while I can never actively ship it (I’m a sad, narrow-minded exclusive shipper, always had been and always will be) I can objectively appreciate them as one. It’s points 1 and 2 I’m more concerned about.

Now, since we’ve already begun working backward, I’ll begin my critiques on point 2: I could write extensively about the parallels between Zuko and Katara, including but not limited to shared pain and a few shared flaws - and just a few, because their weaknesses diverge in many important places. However, since I’m trying to write as objectively as possible and since Zuko-Katara parallels have already been discussed to death, my analysis will focus elsewhere.

However, something from comradekatara’s post that I would first like to address is this-

[Zuko and Katara] both cope with their grief through rage, often misplaced. in the southern raiders, they both act deeply insensitively towards sokka by acting as if his grief over his mother’s death is somehow less valid simply because he is a lot quieter in his coping mechanisms and doesn’t project his rage & guilt onto everyone else.

- or rather, the idea that Zuko and Katara’s shared pain causes them to act insensitively towards Sokka (and though the post does not mention it, Aang as well).

(Note: these points have already been covered by countless metas before mine, so you can skip/skim this section to read a newer argument in the next section.)

Even ignoring the fact that the Southern Raiders had many out of character moments, Katara’s insensitivity towards Sokka is first and foremost a reaction against his insensitivity towards her.

_____

Dialogue from Season 3, Episode 16 “The Southern Raiders”:

Aang: Um ... and what exactly do you think this will accomplish?

Katara: [Shakes her head in dismay.] Ugh, I knew you wouldn't understand. [Begins to walk away.]

Aang: Wait! Stop! I do understand. You're feeling unbelievable pain and rage. How do you think I felt about the sandbenders when they stole Appa? How do you think I felt about the Fire Nation when I found out what happened to my people?

Zuko: She needs this, Aang. This is about getting closure and justice.

Aang: I don't think so. I think it's about getting revenge.

Katara: [Angrily.] Fine, maybe it is! Maybe that's what I need! Maybe that's what he deserves!

Aang: Katara, you sound like Jet.

Katara: It's not the same! Jet attacked the innocent. This man, he's a monster.

Sokka: Katara, she was my mother, too, but I think Aang might be right.

Katara: Then you didn't love her the way I did!

Sokka: [Hurt] Katara!

_____

While I believe that Aang’s principles of forgiveness are morally sound, the way he pushes his beliefs onto Katara undermines much of her grief. At first, Aang tries to relate to Katara’s experiences by comparing them to his own, but there is a forceful connotation to his dialogue that suggests that Aang considers himself to be the moral authority compared to Katara. Hence, Aang judges Katara (“I think it’s about getting revenge”) without trying to reach out and understand her, forgoing the empathetic common ground in favor of taking on the moral high ground.

Thus, when Sokka tells Katara, “she was my mother, too, but I think Aang might be right,” Sokka is not only saying that Katara should choose forgiveness, he is implying that Aang is the ultimate moral authority on this matter and that Katara should accept that. Moreover, similarly to Aang, Sokka’s opening line, “she was my mother, too,” had the potential to establish common ground between himself and Katara, but the added “but…” places Sokka on the moral high ground against her instead. Of course, when we remember that just two lines ago Aang equates Katara to Jet, Sokka agreeing with Aang seems even more thoughtless and unsympathetic.

So when Katara lashes out against Sokka, ostensibly “acting as if his grief over his mother’s death is somehow less valid simply because he is a lot quieter in his coping mechanisms and doesn’t project his rage & guilt onto everyone else,” it is important to note that Sokka undermines Katara’s louder, more visible way of grieving as well (though that discounts that for most of the show, Katara only uses her grief over her mother’s death to sympathize with others).

Moreover, Katara’s line, “then you didn't love her the way I did!” is hurtful, yes, but it is not necessarily equivalent to “you didn’t love her as much as I did.” Katara’s love for her mother is different from Sokka’s because her pain over her death is different -- after Kya’s passing, Katara had to carry the emotional burden of becoming a pseudo-mother to Sokka (see Sokka and Toph’s conversation in “The Runaway”), a burden that did not cease after she joined the GAang (see the entirety of “The Desert”). To Katara, Kya was not only her mother, but the representation of the childhood she lost and the sacrifice made to protect her life. Sokka simply does not have that same relationship with Kya.

I do not mean to say that Sokka and Aang unfairly taking on the moral authority in this situation means that this authority instead belongs to Katara (and Zuko) - “The Southern Raiders” is filled with questionable moments from all parties involved. However, TSR is an episode that delves into Katara (and Zuko)’s relationship with a mother’s sacrifice, so how Zuko and Katara respond to this specific trauma from their past does not dictate how they respond to painful circumstances in the present/future. Let’s see how this is true.

Sozin’s Comet, Part 1: The Phoenix King

No doubt Zuko and Katara felt some form of frustration upon Aang’s disappearance, so let’s see how they “[enabled] each other’s rage and emotion-driven decision making”:

Here, Katara and Zuko make a decision together that turns out to be calm, rational, and not at all emotionally-driven despite their mutual frustration and worry towards Aang.

Sozin’s Comet, Part 2: The Old Masters

Zuko holds immense pain and self-loathing over betraying Iroh, yet Zuko and Katara’s conversation does not enable/exacerbate negativity from any party involved (since Zuko often translates his grief into anger, and Katara was evidently angry at Zuko’s betrayal). Instead, their conversation is open, encouraging, and constructive.

(Note: this is where the review of points made by previous metas ends.)

Hence, to say that “[Zuko and Katara] would only bring out the absolute worst in each other [through] enabling each other’s rage and emotion-driven decision making” -  when we are given in-canon examples of the opposite being true - would be a sweeping and inaccurate generalization.

But for the sake of argument let’s say that, hypothetically, Zuko and Katara’s relationship would fail because they only bring out the worst in each other. And here’s where the argument falls apart for me - Is the argument here that Zuko and Katara have an incredibly meaningful friendship yet somehow this “friendship” causes them to enable each other, thus encouraging each other’s worst flaws and regressing each other’s growth? Is a healthy friendship - much less a “deep and profound” one - not one where two individuals can learn from each other in positive ways and balance each other’s shortcomings?

Or is it something different we’re saying here? Are we saying that two individuals can have a “deep and profound” friendship and yet the moment their relationship shifts from platonic to romantic, they are terrible for each other?

While many significant platonic bonds are stunted when they become romantic, I still believe it to be common sense that some of the best romantic relationships stem from a platonic foundation. But since much of “common sense” on the internet sees that “sense” is nonsensical and “common” is a nicer way to refer to mob mentality, I have done my research to show how Zuko and Katara could have been an excellent case of a friends-to-lovers relationship.

An excerpt from my meta, “Research Shows that Zutara Would Have Been the Ideal Friends to Lovers Dynamic.” (give it a read if you want to see references to relationship-research and an overanalysis on diction/tone)

The reason why Zutara is framed as a “toxic and unhealthy” relationship is that their romance would be a classic example of the enemies-to-lovers trope, a trope which modern media has not been particularly kind to. However, when executed correctly, enemies-to-lovers can produce a healthy and loving relationship, frequently relying on friendship as an intermediate between the “enemy” and “lover” stages in the most well-executed versions of this trope. Meanwhile, the trope of friends-to-lovers is just as popular as enemies-to-lovers, though the specific dynamic required between two individuals to achieve this transition is not well-known. Recognizing this, Laura K. Guerrero and Paul A. Mongeau, both of whom are involved in relationship-related research as professors at Arizona State University, wrote a research paper on how friendships may transition into romantic relationships…

According to Guerrero and Mongeau, “...scholars have argued that intimacy is located in different types of interactions, ranging from sexual activity and physical contact to warm, cozy interactions that can occur between friends, family members, and lovers…” Guerrero and Mongeau then reference a relationship model where the initial stages (i.e. perceiving similarities, achieving rapport, and inducing self-disclosure) reflect platonic/romantic intimacy through communication while the latter stages (i.e. role-taking, achieving interpersonal role fit, and achieving dyadic crystallization) often see both individuals as achieving a higher level of intimacy that involves more self-awareness.

In the rest of my research-based meta I demonstrate how Zuko and Katara’s platonic interactions in the show fit into the stages of communicative intimacy (i.e. perceiving similarities, achieving rapport, and inducing self-disclosure) that Guerrero and Mongeau describe as being mutual between friendships and romances. As such, crossing the line between friends and more-than-friends most likely would not cause a dramatic shift in the Zutara dynamic since much of Zuko and Katara’s platonic intimacy easily translates into romantic intimacy. I’ll end off with another excerpt from my meta.

Excerpt from “Research Shows that Zutara Would Have Been the Ideal Friends to Lovers Dynamic.”

“...it would be remiss to simply dismiss the Zutara dynamic as one that would instantly become toxic should they pursue a romantic relationship.”

With that little thought in mind, let’s move onto point 3: an exploration of friendship, romance, and why toxicity is not exclusive to the latter.

Let’s start with what I agree with:

“The entire foundation of mai and zuko’s relationship was built on how miserable they were together, and how they would just sit there and hate the world together— letting their misery fester as they enabled each other’s depression...”

I’m not sure how necessary it is for me to elaborate on this point given that it’s already been accepted by comradekatara and perhaps 60,000+ other users on Tumblr (a gross exaggeration but this remains unimportant), but in her essay, “Zuko, Mai, and the Nature of True Intimacy,” Araeph contributes more nuance to the concept of Ma/iko and mutual misery, stating that,

Unfortunately for [Zuko and Mai’s] relationship, Mai is and will always be a pessimist—a character trait, not a character flaw, in her. The key difference lies in how Mai and Zuko use their negative feelings. When Zuko sinks into negativity, he gives up on any actions that will materially change his world for the better; Mai, on the other hand, can remain negative even at the height of her character development, and it does not impede her ability to act.

So while Mai enables Zuko’s depression, Zuko does not necessarily do the same for Mai. Nonetheless, throughout their relationship for the first half of season 3, neither of them communicate constructively or push each other to grow as people.

This may be the third disclaimer I’m making, but I first want to say I have nothing against Mai. However, I do have something against the idea that “[Mai and Zuko] would work so well as friends if they weren’t trying to make their dumpster fire of a relationship work.”

Their relationship is a dumpster fire, yes, but will the flames cease simply if the amount of intimacy in the relationship changes?

comradekatara state themselves that their entire romantic relationship is quite depressing - they are only able to connect through empty physical intimacy and mutual hatred of the world. Without that, there is little left for them to bond over. Once Zuko overcomes his conflicting morality and inaction from the first half of season 3, he becomes someone who is strongly guided by his principles and beliefs. However, for the entirety of the series, Mai is characterized by her moral apathy. To cite from Araeph again,

It is moral intimacy that is the last and worst omission for Mai and Zuko… Zuko’s struggle to find and follow his principles is the most central aspect of his character, yet it is a struggle Mai neither understands nor respects…

Lack of moral intimacy (not sharing the same core beliefs) is something that applies to both platonic and romantic bonds. Thus, just as transitioning from a meaningful friendship to a romance does not inherently create toxicity in a relationship, switching from a romance that exacerbates one (or both, depending on how you interpret it) party’s misery does not necessarily erase the preexisting negativity in a relationship - perhaps some of it may subside, sure, but as long both parties continue to fail at communicating and understanding each other, even their friendship seems bleak at best. In this case, Mai and Zuko may work well as conditional friends, or in other words, friends who are only friends when they have something to mutually be miserable over. And this tiptoes the line of speculation, but they could be a formidable political team. But unless the Ma/iko dynamic shifts drastically in the lovers-to-friends transition, I’m not sure if there’s much potential in a friendship between them.

In conclusion, there is a lot I don’t agree with from comradekatara’s post, but if there’s one takeaway I want to impart onto everyone who’s read this far, it’s this: crossing and uncrossing the line between platonic and romantic bonds is not always a transformative experience for the relationship, and the nature of human relationships is a complex spectrum -- not a light switch that can only be set between healthy and unhealthy.

Thank you all for reading!

[elderbloodlore]

Calanthe was not a racist homicidal tyrant: a useless and bitter rant of someone whose favourite character ever got mercilessly butchered.

WHY ARE YOU WRITING THIS? 

Well, let me give you a little bit of a backstory. I first read the Last Wish and the Sword of Destiny in 2012, when I was 14 years old. I instantly connected with the character of Calanthe, and after her death, it took me nearly a year to be able to pick up the saga itself. Ever since, she remained my favourite fictional character ever. As a little girl in misoginistic Poland, I was so lucky to have her as a role model. Because she fought for herself, she took no shit from anybody, she had love and respect of the people around her, and yet she had such tenderness and kindness about her that many strong woman-trope characters are missing these days, and that is exactly what happened to Calanthe when she was being translated to the screen. In 2015 The Wild Hunt was coming out and there were rumours of Ciri being included, so you can imagine my absolute glee and the hope I was filled with to have some more content with that one woman that meant so much to me growing up. And you can imagine my disappointment when all we got about her were a couple tiny mentions, even though the events of the Wild Hunt happen not even a decade after her death. Then the show by Netflix was announced and, once again, I had super high expectations. I wanted to see the wise, kind, beautiful Queen brought alive. December 2019 rolls in, and my hopes are being steamrolled. So here I am, 22 years old and crying over a fictional character, because one of the best written female characters ever (in my opinion) entered mainstream as a bullish, racist, homicidal tyrant. So let me address the biggest changes the show made to my beloved Calanthe Fiona Riannon, the Lioness of Cintra.

THE LOOKS 

That was obviously the first thing that threw me off. I was quite enthusiastic when the cast was announced, but then as the first promo pictures were released, my enthusiasm was slowly dying down. In the books, Calanthe’s looks are adressed very often: 

 “As before, the queen wore emeralds matching the green of her dress and her eyes. As before, a thin gold crown encircled her ash-gray hair.” Sword of Destiny. 

I tried to convince myself that Jodhi May won’t be a bad Calanthe so hard that I actually made this poor ass EDIT to feed my delusions and cheer myself up. In comparison, HERE is my personal favourite art of Calanthe that I find is the most accurate to the book portrayal. 

Even when the first trailer dropped I was still trying to convince myself that even though she has none of her Elder Blood features or her iconic emerald green, that she wore exclusively in the books, she couldn’t be that bad. Right? Wrong. 

THE DEMEANOR 

This is probably the biggest change. Calanthe was one of the wisest, most gracefully-written characters in the entire saga, and I really hoped to see that on screen. She was quick-witted, calculating, but at the same time caring enough to let her daughter choose her own destiny in the end (even if it was to be with a hedgehog-headed man twice her age). Her smiles were said to always be full of kindness, she was acting very proper and clearly cared about her image. I’m not going to be getting too much into it with my own words, let these examples speak for me:

'Ah, Geralt,' said Calanthe, with a gesture forbidding a servant from refilling her goblet. 'I speak and you remain silent. We're at a feast. We all want to enjoy ourselves. Amuse me. I'm starting to miss your pertinent remarks and perceptive comments. I'd also be pleased to hear a compliment or two, homage or assurance of your obedience. In whichever order you choose.' [...]  'Hochebuz,'  said Calante, looking at Geralt,  'my first battle. Although I fear rousing the indignation and contempt of such a proud witcher, I confess that we were fighting for money. Our enemy was burning villages which paid us levies and we, greedy for our tributes, challenged them on the field. A trivial reason, a trivial battle, a trivial three thousand corpses pecked to pieces by the crows. And look - instead of being ashamed I'm proud as a peacock that songs are sung about me. Even when sung to such awful music' Again she summoned her parody of a smile full of happiness and kindness, and answered the toast raised to her by lifting her own, empty, goblet. Geralt remained silent. The Last Wish.

'Aha,' said Calanthe quietly, clearly pleased. 'And what do you say, Geralt? The girl has taken after her mother. It's even a shame to waste her on that red-haired lout, Crach. The only hope is that the pup might grow into someone with Eist Tuirseach's class. It's the same blood, after all. Are you listening, Geralt? Cintra has to form an alliance with Skellige because the interest of the state demands it. My daughter has to marry the right person. Those are the results you must ensure me.' The Last Wish.

‘Very well then. As queen, I shall convene a council tomorrow. Cintra is not a tyranny. The council will decide whether a dead king's oath is to decide the fate of the successor to the throne. It will decide whether Pavetta and the throne of Cintra are to be given to a stranger, or to act according to the kingdom's interest.'  The Last Wish.

'Pavetta!' Calanthe repeated. 'Answer. Do you choose to leave with this creature?' Pavetta raised her head. 'Yes.' The Force filling the hall echoed her, rumbling hollowly in the arches of the vault. No one, absolutely no one, made the slightest sound. Calanthe very slowly, collapsed into her throne. Her face was completely expressionless. The Last Wish.

Guards, armed with guisarmes and lances, ran in from the entrance. Calanthe, upright and threatening, with an authoritative, abrupt gesture indicated Urcheon to them. Pavetta started to shout, Eist Tuirseach to curse. Everyone jumped up, not quite knowing what to do. ‘Kill him!' shouted the queen. The Last Wish.

CINTRA, RACISM AND MURDERING HER OWN PEOPLE 

In the books, Cintra was often mentioned to be obiding by the rules of the elves: 

‘Dear child,’ said Vesemir gravely, 'don’t let yourself get carried away by your emotions. You were brought up differently, you’ve seen children being brought up in another way. Ciri comes from the south where girls and boys are brought up in the same way, like the elves. She was put on a pony when she was five and when she was eight she was already riding out hunting. She was taught to use a bow, javelin and sword. A bruise is nothing new to Ciri—’ Blood of Elves.

There were many elves and dwarves living peacefully within its borders. Calanthe’s two names - Fiona and Riannon, come from her ancestors that are respectively a quarter and a half elf, and known to be that. Calanthe was the one who taught Ciri that non-humans are not dangerous:

‘I’m not afraid at all!’ Ciri suddenly cried, assuming her little devil face for a moment. ‘And I’m not parrotised! So you’d better watch your step! Nothing can happen to me here. Be sure! I’m not afraid. My grandmamma says that dryads aren’t evil, and my grandmamma is the wisest woman in the world! My grandmamma… My grandmamma says there should be more forests like this one…’ Sword of Destiny.

There was no actual reason nor basis for the showrunners to make her racist and make her murder elves. Having her walk into her own daughter’s birthday party, bathed in elven blood, while she knows that the same blood flows in her own veins, at least partially, was completely unnecessary. Even in the polish version of the show from 2001 Calanthe said: 

RELATIONSHIP WITH GERALT 

This probably hits me the most on personal level, because I feel like Calanthe had a huge impact on Geralt’s growth as a character, and with such a drastic change to their relationship, I’m unsure as to he will now proceed to develop. Calanthe was, in large, one of the first people in the books that treated Geralt as anything more than a mutant. Here are some of my favourite scenes between the two, in comparison with how their relationship was portrayed in the show:

"At times, no, for years at a time, I deluded myself that you might forget. Or that for other reasons you might be prevented from coming. No, I didn't want anything unfortunate to happen to you, but I had to take into consideration the dangerous nature of your profession. It is said that death follows in your footsteps, Geralt of Rivia, but that you never look behind you. Then... when Pavetta... You know already?" "I know," Geralt said, inclining his head. "My sincere condolences..." "No," she interrupted, "it was all long ago. I no longer wear mourning clothes, as you see. I wore them for long enough.” Sword of Destiny.

He slowly pushed the cup on the table so that the clink of silver on malachite would not betray the uncontrollable trembling of his arm. "You don't deny it?" "No." She bent to seize his hand with vigor. "You disappoint me," she said, giggling prettily. "This isn't voluntary," he responded, laughing as well. "How did you guess, Calanthe?" "I did not guess." She did not release his hand. "I said it at random, that's all." They broke out in laughter. Sword of Destiny.

"I will not take it. It is too great a responsibility, one that I refuse to assume. I would not want for this child to speak about you the way... the way I..." "You hate this woman, Geralt?" "My mother? No, Calanthe. I doubt that she was given a choice... or perhaps she had no say? No, she had, you know, enough formulas and elixirs... Choice. There is a sacred and incontestable choice of every woman that must be respected. Emotions are of no importance here. She had the indisputable right to make such a choice. That's what she did. But I think about meeting her, the expression on her face then... it gives me a sort of perverse pleasure, if you understand what I mean." Sword of Destiny.

A rosebush grew next to the gazebo. Geralt plucked a flower, breaking its stem and then knelt, his head bowed, presenting the flower in his hands. "I regret that I did not meet you sooner, white-haired one," she said, accepting the offered rose. "Rise." He rose. "If you change your mind," she went on, sniffing the flower, "if you decide... Return to Cintra. I will wait for you. Your destiny will be waiting for you, as well. Perhaps not advitam aeternam, but for some time, no doubt." "Farewell, Calanthe." "Farewell, witcher. Look after yourself. I... I sometimes feel... in a strange way... that I am seeing you for the last time." "Farewell, my queen." Sword of Destiny.

FALL OF CINTRA AND CALANTHE’S DEATH 

We were robbed of so many epic scenes that truly took away from Calanthe’s millitary accomplishments and showed none of the strength and determination she originally had: 

"The Nilfgaardians dealt the first blow," he began after a moment of silence. "There were thousands. They met with the armies of Cintra in the Marnadal valley. The battle lasted all day: from dawn to dusk. Cintra's troops valiantly resisted before being decimated. The king died, and that's when the queen..." "Calanthe." "Yes. Seeing that her army had succumbed to panic and scattered, she gathered around herself and her standard any who could still fight and formed a line of defense that reached the river, next to the city. All the soldiers who were still able followed." "And Calanthe?" "With a handful of knights, she covered the troops' crossing and defended the rear. They say she fought like a man, plunging into the thick of the battle. She was impaled by pikes when she charged against the Nilfgaardian infantry. She was then evacuated to the city. What's in that flask, Geralt?" "Vodka. Want some?" "Well then, gladly." "Speak. Continue, Dandelion. Tell me everything." "The city wasn't properly defended. There was no headquarters. The defensive walls were empty. The rest of the knights and their families, the princes and the queen, barricaded themselves in the castle. The Nilfgaardians then took the castle after their sorcerers reduced the gate to cinders and burned down the walls. Only the tower, apparently protected by magic, resisted the spells of the Nilfgaardian sorcerers. Even so, the attackers penetrated inside four days later without making camp. The women had killed the children, the boys and girls, and fell upon their own swords or... What's is it, Geralt?" "Continue, Dandelion." "Or... like Calanthe... head first, from the battlement, the very top... It's said that she asked to be... but no-one would agree. So she climbed up to the crenelations and... jumped head first. They say they did horrible things to the corpse afterward. I don't want... What is it?” Sword of Destiny.

I understand that this happened because of limited screen time, probably, but the whole Fall of Cintra had been squeezed into what seemed to be a single day, a crushing defeat for Calanthe’s forces, and probably in some way, punishment for her pride. 

AFTER CALANTHE’S DEATH 

While reading the rest of the saga, these little snipits of people talking about Calanthe, mentioning her, often with respect and reverence, mentioning how her people mourned her and swore revange for her, truly kept me going through. I wished that, at the end, Ciri would find it in herself to return home and liberate it, as back then I had no way to spoil myself the ending. In the books, you can really feel the outrage almost all of Continent feels after the murder of Calanthe: 

[...] Cintra is a symbol. Remember Sodden! If it were not for the massacre of that town and Calanthe's martyrdom, there would not have been such a victory then. The forces were equal — no one counted on our crushing them like that. But our armies threw themselves at their throats like wolves, like rabid dogs, to avenge the Lioness of Cintra. Blood of Elves.

[...] Bear in mind that these men left their homes and families, and fled to Sodden and Brugge, and to Temeria, because they wanted to fight for Cintra, for Calanthe’s blood. They wanted to liberate their country, to drive the invader from Cintra, so that Calanthe’s descendant would regain the throne. Baptism of Fire.

In the show, there is none of that. In fact, people seem to be full of disdain and hatred for her, saying things such as: 

which, in turn, fills me with dread for the upcoming seasons, because I can already feel all the further butchery coming my beloved Queen’s way.

IN CONCLUSION

In all honestly, there is very little the Calanthe from the show has in common with the one from the books, the one I originally fell in love with. Which is not to say that Netflix’s Calanthe is not a great character in her own right, because who doesn’t love a badass sword-wielding Queen, but as a portrayal of the greatest ruler within the Witcher universe, and one of, in my opinion, best written female rules in literature, she falls flat, and that’s what pushed me to write this useless and slightly bitter rant, in hopes to maybe interest more people in the original version of Calanthe and maybe, just maybe, prompt some of you to read the saga or, at the very least, the short stories. 

[dxmedstudent]

Ownership.

This is a rant about how we see relationships, so buckle up, because it’s a long post. I’ve had patients assumeI turned their advances down was because I wasn’t allowed to date patients - and it rubs me up the wrong way because it assumes that the default is that I would love to, but just can’t. People are allowed to just not be attracted to you, and the assumption shouldn’t be that they are interested. It’s weird. You’ve met me for all of 10 minutes and all we spoke about was your diarrhoea, what the hell makes you think we have anything in common, any chemistry, or that I had any interest in you outside of work? As young docs, we’ve been warned that patients can at times mistake our professional interest for romantic interest. It can often happen to people who are lonely and don’t have many positive interactions in their life. And it’s nice to know that someone feels listened to. That I can get. But it’s still not appropriate to proposition your carers or put them in a position where they have to think about their safety and comfort because patients are crossing a line. At best, it’s a little awkward. At worst, it’s just creepy.  My availability and attraction is not a default, just because I’m a woman. For similar reasons, it annoys me that there’s an entire thing about someone being ‘spoken for’.  A person is not a posession owned by another. People shouldn’t have to tell you they have a boyfriend for you to leave them alone. Mate, I had a perfectly happy life as a singleton, and much of the time wasn’t looking for anything - please don’t presume you’re in with a chance just because someone is single. I can usually tell the people who ask “are you married” to make polite chit chat from those who perhaps... aren’t.  I’m not even trying to focus this on patients - really that’s a small minority of experiences, but rathe that women get sick of dealing with these questions in general. It particularly bugs me that culturally we often say that someone’s 'taken’ because they have a wedding ring. It’s creepy when someone says “well, there’s no ring” as if being married is what makes someone ‘off limits’ - rather than someone agreeing to a committed monogamous relationship. Of course, it’d be skeevy to proposition someone who was clearly married - don’t get me wrong. The point that propositioning people at random with no actual indicator they are interested is skeevy, regardless. And that people shouldn’t only listen to ‘no’ when they fear they are encroaching another man’s territory. It’s weird that people also still use the terms “single” and “married” as if that’s what defines availability. This isn’t 1930. Yes, those are fine as legal terms - to summarise whether someone is financially and legally independent or tied with someone.  Which is all forms care about, really. For example, I’m legally single which means I only worry about my own taxes right now.  However, socially, the stage at which most people decide they are committed to their partner and aren’t looking to audition anyone else isn’t actually marriage - it’s when they first agree to be an exclusive couple. And for most people, that’s much earlier than when they get married.  Sure, marriage is when you both agree it’s forever - if you actually believe in marriage. But it’s not like you get a free pass to shop around until the day you put on a white dress.   I feel like the  focus on marriage and the visual signifiers thereof stems from when marriage was seen as ownership - you were either single or belonged to a partner, having been passed from your father’s responsibility to your husband’s. Courtships weren’t usually prolonged, and sexual activity before marriage was frowned upon - because the intention wasn’t to establish compatibility through getting to know each other before marriage, but whether both families agreed it was a good match. And until the deal was sealed legally, it didn’t count, because one family or the other could back out - but it didn’t really matter because people didn’t take that much time over sealing the deal.  However, now people have long, invested courtships that usually go on for years before marriage - if marriage is even a thing that couple want. And whilst I’m not at all against marriage personally, we need to stop devaluing relationships that aren’t marriage as if they don’t matter. Particularly since not everyone can even get married. A woman isn’t up for grabs until some man legally marries her - she chooses for herself if she’s interested at all, and she chooses with her partner when other people are no longer an option. And she doesn’t have to explain any of that to you. ‘No’ really should be enough. And when you pressure women who appear single to defend their decision to turn you down, what you’re really implying is that unless there’s proof she’s someone else’s property, you won’t stop pestering her. Single people can have absolutely no interest in you or even dating in general. And they don’t have to explain their status or whether they are interested - a simple ‘no’ shold be enough. I spent a long time single, and I can tell you there’s nothing more insulting than the assumption that  if you’re single, you must be grateful for any attention you get.

[dayurno]

💚🖤💔💓 and, uh, 💘

this was........ so long. and i’m so sorry. but thank you for giving me an opportunity to rant because i had a lot of fun!! mwah

💚: how long have you been working on it?

i started the outline on august 29th :^) so like, a month more or less. writing-wise i’d say two to three weeks! 

🖤: what are your MC names?

there’s kevin and the not-kevins (andreil) but also: robin (you asked if she’s an oc -- she’s not! she’s the ONLY part of the ec i actually like; she’s the freshman who ends up getting adopted by the monsters a year or two post canon), river (kevin’s teammate & honorary best friend), yonah (captain to kevin’s new team), gigi (robin’s gf! she’s one of the vixens), and so on! i went a little bit batshit on the characterizations to be honest. if i got a dollar for every pinterest board i’ve done for this fics’ characters...

💔: give a brief character bio of your 3-5 MCs

since kandreil are literally kandreil and i haven’t changed much of them character-wise, here are a few of the characters i’ve come up with: 

river yazzie: river is the first oc i made for this fic and the fellow newbie to kevin’s new team, the south carolina stingrays. they’re a goalkeeper who used to play for penn state but had to abandon exy during their senior year due to an injury! they’re an indigenous genderqueer person who end up getting constantly paired up with kevin during their first weeks at practice for being the only other new addition to the team, hence why they become friends :D river spent their first 13 years in a reservation until they moved in with their dad, who had a drinking problem river learned how to help with since young, which is what makes kevin cling to them during team events, since river is good at keeping him away from alchohol 

yonah abeles: the stingrays’ captain and also an ex-penn state player!!!! she’s responsible for river’s addition to the team and also for kevin & river’s settling-in process, given the stingrays’ were a fairly stable team with very few additions/retirements before the two of them were added to the line up. she’s the first oc to actually appear -- after kevin’s hospitalization, she shows up at his house with a get well soon gift from the team :) she’s not as sunshine and butterflies as river is, but she’s as harsh and observative as kevin on the court, which is why he respects + clings to her a lot during his first practices

gigi, actually evgeniya: she’s a russian-american vixen who, upon her first meeting with the monsters, took to lying her ass off about having an accent and speaking russian at all. she’s an acting major who would have forged an entire new life for herself to them hadn’t it been for robin, whom she thought was pretty and nice enough to not lie to for fun. they meet at edens by pure accident; robin shakingly punches a dude for being too forceful in his approach and gigi only so happened to be the girl at the receiving end of said approach

sidney morales: one of the stingrays’ players, she’s a single mom whose child she brings along with to practice every now and then. she becomes acquaintances-friends with kevin for being the one who hosts most dinner parties for the team, and because her kid, a six year old named max, keeps asking kevin the weirdest questions that get the weirdest answers. have you ever seen famous striker kevin day cower at the sight of a six year old asking him if he lives on the court? she has! <3

daniel ferreira: the brazilian stingrays’ player who first approached kevin during practice! he’s known in the exy media for taking a knee during the national anthem during the last olympics, an act kevin publicly defended him for after the vicious backlash he got for it, which was his motivation to even attempt at being friends with kevin at all once they were in the same team. daniel’s girlfriend, sarah zhong, is also a stingray, and they’re the nicest couple in the world :D

💓: is it part of a series or standalone?

[rubs hands together in evil manner] you see. if everything goes well, i want to write a past-past-canon fic where it’s kandreil’s domestic life as a couple of pro exy players who live under the same roof! it would mostly just be their shenanigans + moving in together and getting used to it all over again + exploring soft moments i wouldn’t be able to write in the name of the game because they’re not stable and established enough yet

💘: give us a huge spoiler

I’M SO BAD AT GIVING SPOILERS ADMITTEDLY...... i keep thinking of what to say and i just can’t come up with anything that doesn’t sound lame!!! my spoiler is that this fic touches on the choking incident in depth and in its universe kevin spent six months fighting nonstop with andrew about it, to the point where he refused to be within andrew’s vicinity outside of practice and moved out of the dorms to stay with wymack’s for a good 2-3 months. during this period kevin and aaron actually became friends, which is why kevin moves in with nicky and aaron for a brief period. he’s only back to living with andreil after robin is added to the group, and he tells andrew to his face that it’s out of sheer worry for her, because he knows how much of an asshole andrew can be and he doesn’t want it to happen again. 

they do, eventually, come together once more: the silver lining for their relationship is a point in time where andrew corners kevin and tells him to hit him back, which kevin refuses to do, but can more or less understand how guilty andrew must feel if he’s offering a vulnerability like that to make them even. after that it’s a lot of join sessions with betsy and rekindling their relationships through new deals (kevin makes andrew promise to never, ever, ever try to control him again), those of which guarantee that their relationship does not have a power imbalance like it used to have. this is important to the fic because a lot of their relationship stems from that time, and the consequences of their fight linger a lot on kandreil. needless to say, this was also a very troubling time for neil

[chriscdcase95]

Reposting for TLDR reasons. 

To see the full rant, click the “Keep Reading”, but this covers what I consider an example of a show taking shipping wars too seriously, giving fans and how it can potentially pull a show down the tubes. Especially at the expense of character development and their stories.

It’s kind of a follow-up to another post I made about canon and non canon ships, and how there’s some ship based stories better left to fanfiction.

Disclaimer: I generally don’t like Ship Policing (bullying, and badgering other people for liking “the wrong ship”) despite this being one of my biggest NOTP’s. I don’t intend to bully people who like this ship, and this analysis is based on my observations and opinions. 

So here I am talking about a barley known show and ship that’s barely relevant anymore if at all. This is a follow up post on a Loud House post regarding a non canon ship called Luaggie. I mentioned on that post , how it was an example of a fanfic ship and it’s best to be left a fanfic based ship. I now bring to you it’s antithesis; Jemma of Every Witch Way. Originally this was strictly about why some ships and stories that are best left to fanfiction, but there are so many problems with this ship, that I don’t really know where to start. I guess I’ll start with an introduction to the show.

Edit: I also had to revisit to trim this down, and correct misinformation.

Edit Edit: Twice. I had to edit it twice!

“What is Every Witch Way ?”

Every Witch Way was a comedy/drama series on Nickelodeon. Anyone who heard of it would know it is an Americanized remake of Grachi, a Latin American Nickelodeon series. The less educated may dismiss it as a Wizards of Waverly Place knockoff. The series focuses on Emma Alonso, a teenage girl who moves to Miami with her father and discovers she is a witch and chosen to one day lead the magical realm. With a group of muggle friends, the enthusiastic tough girl Andi; Emma’s queen bee rival Maddie also being a witch; a subplot about Fantastic Racism that ended with the wiping out of all but two of an entire race; we got ourselves a simple little TV show that could be a passible watch.

Coming from a post iCarly, Victorious and Big Time Rush era of Nickelodeon, where most of their shows were marketed to the younger kids and barely anything for teens to chew on, Every Witch Way was a breath of fresh air. Taking cues from previous Nick shows such as H2O Just Add Water and House of Anubis, and aimed for a teenage audience, it was more interested in telling stories than telling jokes.

I would have called the show an underrated cult classic series to get nostalgic over, like The Troop (a show which I’ll also talk about one day)…then comes seasons three and four and it becomes clear that Every Witch Way is more interested in ship war than it was telling stories. Maybe I was giving the show too much credit or had too much expectations for it. Let’s just say this was no House of Anubis or the Avatar franchise. I don’t know what pulled the show down the tubes; it was either the character Jax Novoa and his story arc, or his relationship with Emma. But they overlap with eachother so I might as well cover all of them.

“What kind of relationship is Jemma ?”

Imagine if you will; a high school drama, that involves a loving, kind and empathetic girl meeting a dark brooding bad boy, who does bad things. But because he has a sad past and bad parents, anything bad he does is immediately forgiven and brushed aside, or justified. And it is by the love of this girl, and only because of this love, does the bad boy get redeemed. 

It’s the kind of story you see in mediocre romance stories or fanfics; the idea that the dark and brooding love interest with a bad past or history can be changed for the better with the love of the protagonist. This describes the relationship Emma and Jax’s relationship to such a tee that it’s borderline parody. The kind of reationship you’d at least put some kind of spin on.

So how does this compare to Jax and Emma’s relationship ? A quick description is that Jax is a new student and a dark seeming wizard introduced in the second season, who immediately displays an arrogant personality and behaviour while befriending Emma and putting the moves on her (and making a quick rivalry with Emma’s then boyfriend Daniel). Emma has a good heart, and a loving empathetic girl, so of course she likes to see the good in people and Jax was no exception. Jax eventually “changes” his darker ways and becomes more altruistic, mainly to get back and stay into Emma’s good graces. 

Normally, I have no issues with an Enemies to Lovers story, but it’s the context and overexposure that puts Jemma in a bad light.

Emma continuously forgives, or ignores Jax’s flaws to near absurdity, mainly because Jax has a dead mom and an emotionally distant, controlling and seemingly abusive father…which is shown to be false in the many retcons season four gives us.

“What are the problems with Jemma ?”

I said in another post that a friend of mine defined toxic relationships differently than I did; one definition was that a ship is toxic based off of fans behaviour in the name of the ship; I define them for how much it romanticizes problematic behaviour. How does Jemma fall into either of these ?

Back when Every Witch Way was on, Jax x Emma fans were pretty rapid, and became the most loud and vocal part of the fanbase. Any attempts to criticize Jax, his behaviour or relationship with Emma is bombarded with “HE CHANGED! HE CHANGED FOR HER!” ad nauseum. 

It’s gotten to the point where they literally vote their preference to make them the shows official couple. This can be partially blamed on the writers because they went about asking their audience what they want to happen in a TV show, having them vote for wat hey want to happen and in turn made season four into a Jemma based AU fic that rewrote the entire show. Kind of lacks integrity if you ask me. It also had to have been one of most one sided and manufactured shipping wars I’ve seen. By the end of the series, Jemma fans were pretty sore winners.

So Jemma fans could be pushy, but did Jax and Emma’s relationship entail toxic ideals I listed above ? On the surface, “no” since Jax doesn’t physically abuse Emma or the like…but Jax is manipulative person, and is rather possessive and entitled towards Emma all things considered. And what else can you say about a relationship where this partner has manipulated and gaslighted nearly everyone around him to get in, and attempts to destroy the world over a breakup ?

There’s so much to cover that stems from Jax that I might as well write a section on Jax himself. The worst that can be said of Emma here is that she was too forgiving and empathetic for her own good.

“Jax and how not to write a redemption arc”

So Jax is an overwhelmingly popular character on the show, so much that season four retconned him into the main character behind Emma. It’s easy to call him a Gary Stu character since he’s a seemingly perfect character who gets his way all the time and soon becomes the center of the show. This trope also fits; “Draco In Leather Pants” where a villain tends to get romanticized or woobified in fanfics regardless of how sympathetic or redeemable they are in canon; mostly because they are cute.

When Jax was introduced, he was the de-facto Big Bad of season two, being the most prominent, and personal antagonist and direct source of most of the drama that occurs in the season. Throughout the season he befriends and puts the moves on Emma with the intent on using the power coming Fool Moon (long story) to take over the world and rule at her side. Jax eventually falls in love with Emma, but when she breaks up with him when she makes right with Daniel… Jax’s response was aiding in an attempt to destroy the magic realm; something they make clear would kill all but a few magical beings in the world and this is something Jax is very aware of In the final showdown Jax makes it clear to Emma that he doesn’t care about what could happen to their loved ones in this magical apocalypse, so long as Emma is with him.

Again, I wouldn’t take this as seriously if the show didn’t treat it as seriously.

Now in his defense, I was originally rooting for Jax to reform himself. No joke, I genuinely wanted to see how Jax would make good with those he manipulated, pushed around and tried to fucking kill. I like a good redemption stoy as much as the next guy, but Jax doesn’t really go through one; he just turns Face at the last minute, apologizes to Emma about not wanting to hurt her, Emma immediately forgives him and Jax wastes no time putting the moves on her and antagonizing Daniel. What punishment does Jax go through ? What atonement did he have to suffer ? He’s put through a boot camp with the threat losing his powers, all the while he agonizes that those who he wronged still resent him. To be fair he does have genuine good deeds in season three; such as heping a dying friend, and even riskiig his life to save another But even then, the sho treats Emma as his prize for being a Nice Guy, and he admits this to Emma during the third seasons finale in a scene we are supposed to find romantic. And when he gets the girl, its all rendered moot in season four.

Helping or not helping with Jax’s character is that in season two he is given multiple “excuses”; controlling and abusive father, seemingly dead mother. They worked back then in making Jax sympathetic. The problem is when we get the actual revelations of his family and in turn make him unsympathetic in retrospect.

“The Mess That Is Season Four”

I don’t like the Fanon Discontinuity trope - where fans refuse to accept an istallment as canon out of a dislike of them. I generally don’t apply this trope with very few exceptions. But let me tell you this; when I say season four isn’t canon to the previous seasons, that’s not me talking, that’s the show itself talking. 

It isn’t a continuation of the previous seasons, it’s a reboot. When Emma and Jax become the shows OTP, the universe literally changes around them. Season four introduces a plot point that where an SCP style anomaly exists called a Continuum Break, in which as a direct result of Emma’s decision, the universe casted Daniel out of everyone’s lives, and their friends memories, and retroactively replaces him with Jax. Subsequently, the events of the previous seasons and their conflicts revolve around Jax and Emma’s relationship. 

One reason why these retcons don’t work is that because the world was altered in Jemma’s image, Jax here isn’t the same Jax as we knew through season two and three. The retcons fail because Jax’s previous sympathy is erased in retrospect, because Jax would hide behind his parents as an excuse for his actions (the dead mother wasn’t dead, but in fact, secret villain; and Jax’s abusive father wasn’t abusive). Jax being sympathetic hinged off of these excuses, and they either never applied, or was hit by the reset button, and thus irrelevant to his development.

And I am left asking myself why the writers came up with the Continuum Break in the first place ?Where Jemma fans that pushy about making their ship canon that they had to make it the only canon relationship in the show ? If so, that’s how wildly Jemma shippers are, if not that’s on the writers for being that much fan slaves. What other point could there be in portraying the Continuum Break as the way things should be ? Not to be pesimeistic, but it feels like this is the show throwing a character under the bus for the sake of rewriting the previous seasons and making Jax the new protagonist.

On top of that, other characters and arcs get thrown under the bus too

Mainly, Mia Black, who was introduced in season three as the de-facto main antagonist, and is added as another member of the love triangle. Mia is also affected by the Continuum Break as she is also cast from everyone’s memories and lives, to live an alternate life with Daniel. This is arguably more jarring than Daniel being taken away because Mia ultimately doesn’t sacrifice her morals for what she believes in and ultimately wasn’t that much of a threat and her own redemption arc is foreshadowed throughout the season by bonding with Daniel and Diego, and the added empathise on how lonely she is. This culminates in Emma reaching out to her in the season finale, and declaring herself her protector.  Like Jax, I was looking forward to seeing where they would take Mia and her arc the next season. Well as a result of the Continuum Break, she’s out of everyone’s lives, and living an artificial alternate one the universe spat out. Like Daniel, she may have been happy with her new life, but it still renders everything they foreshadowed for her and what she’s been through for nothing.

Personal conclusion

I reiterate my first statement Every Witch Way was a great show (first three seasons, at least is IMO). It was a breath of fresh air in a time when most of Nick’s shows were targeting a younger demographic in a post iCarly, Big Time Rush, and Victorious era. I’d call it an cult classic series, but I still feel that season four keeps it from being one of the great ones. I do recommend checking the series out, the story arcs are mostly good. Unfortunately by the time season four rolled in, it seemed pretty clear the show was more interested in shipping wars than it was in telling it’s stories.

I can’t really pinpoint what caused the show to drop in quality; the manufactured ship war ? Jax as a character ? Jemma’s pushy fans ? The writers for bending to fan demands ? Either way, season four’s Continuum Break was something the show could have done without. I won’t say that Jax is the most unlikeable character on the show (that would be Emma’s father) and he isn’t the most evil either (that would be Torres). I consider Jax and his blunders more so the fault of how he was written than anything else.

I will give Jax and Jemma this; the character and ship has so much going for it, I can’t help but compare and contrast them to other similar characters, story arcs and ships. I use it as an example of not to write a redemptive romance, and why some things are best left to fanfiction. But above all else, I hold it as an example as to why writers and creators shouldn’t sacrifice their stories blindly cater to fans and popular ships.

[sage-nebula]

I just finished episode fourteen of Good Morning Call and there’s something I need to talk about for a second.

So by this point in the series, Uehara and Nao are officially a couple (which is one refreshing thing about this series, I feel; it’s not will-they-won’t-they until the end, we actually get to see them be a couple for most of the series I think), and things are . . . or should be . . . going fine. The problem is that even though Uehara has confessed his feelings (granted he was tricked into it by Yuri, but nonetheless), and even though Uehara has made it clear that he appreciates her romantic gestures and reciprocates (e.g. he bought all those milk puddings for her in return for her Valentine’s cake because that’s what she told him she’d want), and even though they’ve kissed multiple times, and even though he’s told her time and again that she’s the only person he’s interested in . . . Nao is constantly bogged down by insecurities, and in my eyes it’s really causing a strain on the relationship.

I haven’t ventured too much into the tags or sitewide search for this show yet because I don’t want too many things spoiled for me in advance, and I haven’t read the manga either. But from the little I have seen it seems like most people hate Uehara for “being a jerk” or “not sharing interests with Nao” or whatever else, whereas no one seems to point out the fact that these problems that these two have in their relationship stem from Nao’s own insecurities and the problems that she creates in her own mind. 

Like . . . let’s take the “love triangle” with Yuri, for example.

For the first half of season one, Uehara’s sister-in-law Yuri was a major character. Uehara had romantic feelings for Yuri for a very long time, but she chose to marry his brother instead, and so he moved out as a way of moving on. At no point is it ever in question whether Yuri and Uehara will get together. Even when Yuri starts having troubles in her marriage (due to misunderstandings and a lack of communication), she makes it clear over, and over again that not only does she only see Uehara as a little brother, but also that she supports him and Nao being together. And she tells Nao this! Multiple times! Even if Uehara still had feelings for Yuri, Yuri makes it abundantly clear that she does not have feelings for Uehara. The odds of them getting together a straight nil. There is absolutely no chance of it, ever. Yuri knows this, Uehara knows this . . .

And yet Nao . . . fabricates this love triangle in her own damn mind.

She angsts so much over the fact that Uehara had feelings for Yuri. She gets jealous to the point of wanting to move out when she learns that Uehara let Yuri stay the night, despite the fact that Nao herself had agreed to let Yuri stay the night in previous episodes! Like, I get it, it’s hard knowing that the person you have feelings for had feelings for someone else---but when they and the other person make it clear that there will never be a thing between them, and when the other person tells you over and over again that they support your relationship with the person you like, you have GOT to accept that. Continuing to convince yourself otherwise is doing nothing but hurting you and the other people involved.

And the thing is, Nao keeps doing this. Once Yuri leaves the picture, Kitaura comes in. Kitaura is a lesbian, although to be fair Nao doesn’t know this at first, so that’s number one. But number two is the fact that Nao works herself into a frenzy because other people in the school are saying that Kitaura and Uehara would be a good match (and it’s other girls saying this, which is ??? since you’d think they’d want him to be single like at the start of the series, but whatever), and also Marina---in a rare instance of her forgetting that she’s the only person on this show who is smart---sold Nao on the “enemies to lovers” deal because Kitaura and Uehara were always quarreling. The thing is, Uehara doesn’t show any romantic interest in Kitaura whatsoever. He straight up says he doesn’t remember her even though she has a grudge against him. The most he ever says about her is that she’s a nice person. That’s it. Nao doesn’t ask him directly if he has feelings for Kitaura, but it should be more than obvious that he doesn’t given the fact that he . . . you know . . . doesn’t talk about her, and is pretty blasé about her when asked. But still, Nao frets and worries and feels insecure and jealous, because CLEARLY there’s something going on, or there will be soon, particularly since (GASP!) Kitaura and Uehara have similar tastes in movies. Anyway, this whole thing culminates in Nao deciding that she needs to study up on all of Uehara’s interests and change herself to be less of a disaster and more put together, which leads to Issei (the new secondary love interest for Nao, whom she was ranting to) telling her that both people in a couple should work to change and be better for one another, which is true. Nao is taken aback by this, but it doesn’t seem to have dissuaded her from the idea that she needs to step up her game and change herself. And the thing is . . .

Look.

Are there ways in which Uehara could improve? Sure. Uehara is tsundere to his core. He tends to hide when he feels jealous, and brushes off showing his more vulnerable feelings except for moments when the two of them are completely alone. He’s reserved and aloof by nature, and he’s independent, so he doesn’t mind doing things on his own / having Nao do things on her own, rather than thinking about the two of them doing things as a couple. He also doesn’t seem fond of PDA, which is probably why he doesn’t really hold hands with her in public very often. Uehara could definitely learn to be more open about his feelings, and could make more of an effort to plan dates for the two of them, definitely. Additionally, I of course agree 100% with Issei that it should never be one person in a relationship changing, but two if changes need to happen.

HOWEVER.

Uehara has never once expressed that he thinks Nao should change, or that he wants her to. This idea that she has that she has to learn all about foreign films or that she has to, I don’t know, be more serious all the time? That came entirely from her own mind. Uehara has told her that he has romantic feelings for her. He’s told her that she’s the only person he’s interested in. He’s kissed her, he’s held her, he’s raced back to their apartment during a blackout to be there for her, he took care of her on Christmas Eve when she was sick and brought her the Christmas cake she wanted, he agreed to her Valentine’s Date (even if he wasn’t able to make it), he bought all those milk puddings for her, and so on and so forth. Uehara has made it pretty clear that he likes her as she is, he’s interested in her as she is now. Hell, he even got so jealous over her fake date with Issei that he wanted her to quit her job (because she works at the ramen shop that Issei’s dad owns), which he told her! (ofc she didn’t quit but it was still him feeling jealous, and that’s how she took it, and she was happy about it.) All of this, and yet she still is convinced that she has to change for him, that she’s not good enough for him, even though he’s told her and shown her time and again that she is.

In the most recent episode I watched, they were alone at a hot springs resort together, and they were originally going to share a room. But then Uehara went to sleep in a different one, and she asked him if it was because he didn’t think she was attractive. His response?

“Being with you is really exhausting.”

He then goes on to explain that he wants to be in a different room because he’s super attracted to her and wants to make sure that he doesn’t make a move on her (as in seduce her, not assault her). But that first line? 100% accurate. Because it’s like no matter what he does, Nao continues to be highkey insecure and think that she’s not good enough. It doesn’t matter how many times he says it, how many times he shows it. It’s like she has no object permanence when it comes to how he feels about her. If he’s not showering her with affection 24/7, suddenly she’s unsure whether he likes her at all. And the thing is . . .

That’s not healthy.

Like I’ve seen people criticize this relationship because Uehara is “too mean,” but the thing is, not only is Uehara not actually a cruel person (he’s just tsun), but Nao knew who he was when she decided to start pursuing him, and definitely knew after. These two live together, for godsake. Uehara is reserved, aloof, independent. He’s not very good about showing vulnerable feelings. He’s very blunt and to the point. Nao knew this about him when she decided to date him, she has known it for a while. Yet she keeps picturing him in her fantasies as this guy spinning long romantic, poetic lines, showering her in roses and whatever else. That’s not who Uehara is, and it’s not who he should have to be to make her happy if she truly loves him and not just the way he looks. But even setting that aside, constantly demanding that your partner prove they love you over, and over, and over again . . . it IS exhausting. It IS tiring. Because at the end of the day, it sounds an awful lot like Nao just doesn’t trust Uehara. Sure, this is perhaps partly rooted in her own insecurities about herself, but it’s more like it’s rooted in her insecurities about Uehara’s faithfulness and their relationship despite the fact that he’s never given her a reason to doubt it. And the worst part is, she won’t even ASK him about it, she won’t even TALK to him about it, she just catastrophizes and drags all of her friends into her newest romantic woes and creates an entire shenanigan while he’s standing off to the side wondering just what the hell is going on. (And then, of course, he gets the new secondary love interest yelling at him, which doesn’t help matters when there wasn’t a problem until Nao imagined one out of thin air.)

At the end of the day, what I’m trying to say is . . . if Uehara wanted Nao to change (beyond wanting her to stop catastrophizing problems where they don’t exist), then yeah, I’d say that he should change, too. But he hasn’t expressed that. Instead, he’s made it clear he’s interested in her the way she is. So in that sense, I think the only thing that needs to change is that Nao needs to stop being so insecure. Because to be honest, I’m 100% in agreement with Uehara on this one: It’s exhausting. 

[screamingintosilence]

Heartbeats in the Quiet

Summary: It was usually just a cold, but this felt like the flu. Future Fic One-Shot of our favorite couple being their worry-wart selves. Nancy would be an amazing doctor.

Pairing: Mileven

Can also be read on AO3 here

December 9, 1994

Jane ‘El’ Wheeler (née Hopper) was worried.

That wasn’t anything new, Mike liked to tease her about being such a worry wart over everything. He understood that it stemmed from her days in the lab, of always feeling the pressure to please, so even though he teased, he also reassured. Mike was her God send and she still thanked her lucky stars every morning that he found her in the woods.

But El was worried more than usual. Winter seemed to have come early this and it felt like there weren’t enough layers or hot coffee and cocoa in the world to keep her from freezing. Even now as she sat bundle on their couch in their small one bedroom apartment with her favorite Christmas movie on and the biggest mug they owned filled to the brim with steaming hot Ovaltine clutched in her small hands, she was shivering.

She had even resorted to dragging their portable radiator from the bedroom out into the living area and putting it on the highest setting, something Mike was sure to be slightly annoyed at when he came home.

She had left her job as a speech therapist at the local elementary school early today, which worked out in her favor since she didn’t need to see anyone after noon on Fridays, which is what today happened to be.

For the past few days she had been waking up to nausea and puking out whatever they had eaten the night before, which given the time of year wasn’t completely strange, but she usually got the flu around mid-January.

Probably this stupid weather, she thought crossly, watching as George told Mary that he would give her the moon. El had always hated the cold, after everything she had experienced as a child, no one could blame her. But El adored Christmas. Their friends and family all laughed at her enthusiasm for the holiday, but they loved watching how giddy it made her.

This of course is why catching the flu this early was causing her to be downright miserable. She was used to the occasional sniffles that she had because of the weather changing drastically, but the flu tended to put her out of commission for days, a feeling that she loathed.

Her head snapped to the door as she heard keys rattling from the outside. She reached out with her mind to quickly unlock and open the door to see a stunned Mike on the other side, his hand looking like it was just about to put the key into the door.

He blinked in surprise as he saw his wife of 3 years curled up in the middle of their sofa with a blanket wrapped over her head and several others around her body, looking miserable as all get out.

“El, baby, are you ok? Why is it a sauna in here?” The heat of the room finally hit him as he quickly took off his outer layers all the way down to his undershirt as he stepped into the apartment, kicking the door closed behind him. He had no clue how she wasn’t dying from heat stroke. Once he was untangled from his clothes he strode around the couch, hands reaching out for her face to see if her temperature was off.

She let out a shriek as his hands made contact with her skin, “Mike! They’re freezing! Stop!”

He quickly pulled his hands away and held them close to the radiator. He took notice of how high it was set before turning back to the shivering woman next to him. “El, sweetheart, are you feeling ok? You look miserable.”

His words triggered something in her as tears started pouring down her cheeks and sobs to break from her lips. Panic overtook the young man as he scrambled to think of what he had done to set her off.

“I’m ugly?” she whimpered. The logic part of her brain was trying to tell her to get a grip, that she was overreacting, but the emotional part was all out of wack.

“What?! Baby?! Why are you crying?!” Mike was cradling her face and wiping her tears away as best he could but she just kept on sobbing.

“Be-because George would have given Mary the moon, a-and then you came home and I’ve missed you so much, and then you put your freezing hands o-on me, and then you said I look mi-miserable which means you think I’m ugly! And I’ve been feeling like crap every morning, and my boobs h-hurt and my whole body hurts, and I think I’m getting the flu early this year w-which isn’t fair because I love Christmas!” her blubbering rant ended when her sobs became too much and all Mike could think to do was pulling his tiny wife, blankets and all, into his lap after setting down her mug on the coffee table.

“Baby, shhh, it’s ok. You’ve seen this movie a million times and haven’t cry at it in years,” her sobs seemed to only increase as she took his statement as him pointing out a flaw. “Shit, baby, I’m sorry! That came out wrong. But I think you’re the most beautiful woman in the entire universe, I just thought you were looking sick, which you just said you feel like you might be!” His hands were running up and down her back trying to calm her as best he could. “If you’re getting the flu, we can go to the doctor and get medicine! I’ll nurse you back to health as fast I can so we can still enjoy all our Christmas traditions. It’ll be ok, I promise.”

Her sobs had slowed, finally quieting, and her tears had ceased as she tucked herself into her favorite place, under his chin. “I'm just so exhausted and ready for this to be over. And I already called Dr. Denebrough’s office, they said they can't get me in until Monday,” he could hear the pout in her voice.

“We could go to Nancy. I'm sure she could squeeze us in,” Mike offered as El simply snorted in response, still wiping her damp cheeks.

“Nancy is a ob-gyn, Mike. Besides, it's already 3:30, I doubt she's going to want us to come in this close to the practice closing.”

“El, it's Nancy were talking about, she loves you. Even more than she loves me! And besides, she'd be able to write you a prescription at least.”

El let out a sigh but knew that when Mike was determined to help, he was like a dog with a bone. Plus, he was probably right, and it would be wonderful to get better and be back to her happy holiday-joy-infused self as soon as possible.

“Fine,” she conceded while rolling off Mike's lap and back onto the couch so he could call his sister.

“Hey Miss Dawn, it's Mike Wheeler... Yeah, we're doing good. Hey, is my sister free right now by chance? Ok great!” Mike knew he always had speed through the greeting with the elderly receptionist that worked at the practice Nancy was established at. He was put on hold for a few minutes while they tracked her down for him.

“Hey Nance! Yeah, yeah, everything is good, well with me at least... Woah! Calm down, she's ok, she's on the couch... Look, she's actually why I'm calling... What? No! We talked about this, Nance,” he said the last part under his breath so El couldn't hear over the sounds of It's A Wonderful Life.

Nancy had freaked on the other end asking if El was pregnant, which was something that was actually a very hard spot for the couple. They had found out about three years ago that the chance of El ever getting pregnant were less than 0.01% because of what she had endured in the lab.

Dr. Brenner had been honest and upfront about it, refusing to sugar coat any of it, but none of it would have made the facts hurt any less.

The time right after had been the worst point their relationship had ever reached. After going through the counseling, however, they had become stronger than ever before. They had even started tossing around the idea of maybe adoption or fostering within the last few months.

“Look, El’s just feeling sick and we want to see if it's the flu or maybe something else because she's been feeling pretty crappy and our usually family doctor can't get her in till Monday... You're free?.. And you really don't mind?.. Great, you're the best, sis... Yeah, yeah, I'm not repeating that. See you in a bit.”

As he hung up the phone, he had already layering all his clothes back on and checking on his wife who was not too happy about having to leave their cozy apartment for the bitter Indiana weather. He handed her her boots and held her pile of blankets that she deemed mandatory to bring along as she tied up the strings.

Once they were piled into the car, El wrapped in blankets with the car’s heat on high and vents pointing all at her, they drove quickly to Nancy’s practice on the edge of South Bend. Thankfully for them they only lived a short 20 minutes away instead of the hour that Hawkins was.

They bustled inside with a quick “Hello” to Dawn as Nancy ushered them back into an examine room, a nurse quickly following behind.

“Ok, El, just to make sure we hit all our bases here, I’m just going to have to go through the usual routine,” Nancy told the younger woman as the nurse stood by with a clipboard, poised to take down all the stats. El agreed, hoping they could figure out if it really was the flu or hopefully something a lot less serious to calm her incessantly worrying mind.

So after all the height, weight, blood pressure, and temperature taking, El was already feeling even more tired than she had started out.

“So, you say that you’re feeling cold? Even with a heater and blankets?” Nancy was looking down at the clipboard while scribbling notes once the nurse had left. El nodded, words feeling like too much work. “That’s a little odd. I can’t fully rule out the flu quite yet, but you’re not showing any signs of a fever or cold. In fact, your body temperature is quite literally on the dot of normal.” Nancy’s eyes were slightly concerned, wishing she could find an easy solution for her sister-in-law. “I’d like to do a blood test, if you are ok with it. I know it’s not your favorite,” she stroked El’s arm as her eyes grew a bit panicked at the thought, “but it’ll be by far the most accurate way without getting too intrusive to try and see what might be wrong.”

When El finally conceded, squeezing all feeling out of Mike’s hand, Nancy called out to Jackie, the nurse, to bring in the blood test kit. When all was said and done, with an averted panic attack thanks to Mike, Nancy made sure to put a special rush request on the results to in the lab.

“It usually takes two hours for the results to come back, but I’m hoping with how slow today has been that maybe they’ll be able to get it done sooner,” Nancy wrote some more notes on the sheets before looking up to El biting her bottom lip. Mike was staring at his wife in worry, wishing there was something, anything to make her feel ok.

“What have you been feeling lately? Tell me exactly, don’t leave anything out,” Nancy was hoping that maybe she would be able to narrow down what could possibly be affecting one of her favorite people.

“Well,” El glanced at Mike who nodded reassuringly. “I’ve been waking up feeling nauseous for what feels like a few weeks now, but have only started throwing up this past week. And it hasn’t just been in the morning, sometimes my lunch smells weird which makes me nauseous. I’m always so tired and my body is sore, which might be from the vomiting but I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. My boobs especially, but it’s probably from my period coming. They’re always super tender,” El could see all the concern clouding Mike’s eyes since she hadn’t been telling him everything.

“And she’s been feeling like she’s freezing,” Mike added on for good measure.

Once Nancy had written it all down, she looked back over her notes, and then leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees and her face in her hands. She was wary of asking what she wanted to ask, but in her line of work, she felt it was something she needed to to cover all her bases.

“El, sweetheart,” she started out gently. “Just to check all my boxes, I need to ask. When did you have your last period?”

El was startled at the question since Nancy knew about her condition. But as El thought about it  more, she couldn’t think of writing on the calendar for the month of November when it started. She was meticulous about making sure to note it down, ever since she had started at 14 and Joyce told her to. Mike would make sure, but they had gotten so busy after Halloween this year with all the festivities, decorating, and prep for Thanksgiving and Christmas, she hadn’t even thought about it.

She worriedly looked to Mike to see if maybe he remembered, but he was slowly shaking his head, eyes wide as he looked back at her.

“I-I can’t, I can’t remember,” her worry was increasing tenfold, hoping desperately that wouldn’t mean that there was something more serious going on. “It might, it might have been the end of September. That’s when I remember for sure having it.”

Nancy sat thinking seriously for a few minutes, trying to consider everything. She knew how devastating the news of her brother and the love of his life being very unlikely to conceive was to them, especially taking into consideration of El’s and Mike’s love of kids. She really didn’t want to jump to any conclusions, but she was desperately hoping for them.

“You know what? How about you guys go for dinner? I want to look through some stuff and it will give me enough time for your blood test results to come back,” Nancy suggested. She knew that El’s symptoms could actually apply to quite a few different things, especially her feeling cold being thrown into the loop, and wanted enough time to look through the medical books she kept in her office as well as be able to consult the results to be sure.

Mike and El were uneasy at the suggestion with so much uncertainty up in the air, but eventually they agreed and went on their way to a cafe just down the road from Nancy’s office, Mike doing his best to reassure his wife who he knew was internalizing everything.

Nancy was spending her time running through her books, not being able to place every single symptom of El’s into one thing. An hour since sending the blood work to the lab, a lab tech appeared at her door, a file folder in his hands.

Nancy quickly glanced over the sheet, her eyes growing wider as what it was trying to tell her sunk in, tears overtaking her as the reality of the news she was going to have to deliver hit her. She was just drying her eyes as Jackie stuck her head in to let the young ob-gyn know that her brother and sister-in-law had returned.

“Thanks Jackie. Can you show them into the exam room? Oh, and one more thing,” Jackie nodded in response to Nancy’s request as Nancy finished pulling herself together and made sure she had everything in order before she had to give them the life changing news.

She made her way back to the room were El and Mike were waiting for her. The minute she entered their eyes snapped to her, begging her to tell them good news. She gave a tight, small smile as she asked El to lay on the exam table.

“So I have the results from the blood test back-”

“And?” Mike demanded, cutting her off.

She held her hand up to keep him from attacking her, “And there is one last test, or rather check, I would like to do to just to be one hundred percent sure. Given, it might actually not show me anything this early in your condition,” El ears perked at ‘condition’ as every worst case scenario shot through her mind.

“Whatever you have to do, do it. I need to know,” El cut of any more explanation Nancy might have continued to give as Mike gripped her hand hard.

“If you wouldn’t mind unbuttoning your pants and pulling your shirt up a bit,” Nancy asked as she wheeled over the machine that had a small screen with keyboard and wand that had already been prepped for her by Jackie.

Mike’s eyebrows disappeared into his hairline at his sister’s request as he also took in the machine. “Why, Nance? And isn’t that an ultrasound machine?”

“Well, yes. But ultrasound machines can be used for a great many things, not just to check if you’re pregnant,” she tried reassuring the young couple. “It’s less radiation and time than an x-ray, plus it’ll give me a chance to search for what I’m looking for.” Mike quirked an eyebrow at her but her face gave nothing away.

El, who was lying prone at an angle on the table, had already complied with Nancy’s request, willing to do anything her sister-in-law asked of her, as long as they could find out what was wrong.

“I’ll need to spread this gel so that the wand can pick up a picture. It will be cold, is that ok?” Nancy looked at her to make sure she had her consent and El nodded back. After the sharp intake of breath at first contact, Mike wrapped his arms around his love the best he could while staying out of the way.

The whole damn room is cold, he thought bitterly, hoping this wouldn’t take too long. His hands covered El’s as she reached up for them, trying to keep her as warm as possible.

Nancy had been fiddling around with the wand for a few minutes, slowly swiping it slowly across El’s abdomen by her pant line. After clicking a few buttons here and there, she donned a pair of headphones. At Mike’s questioning gaze Nancy gave a stern, “I just need you to trust me and let me do my job.”

After another minute or so, she slipped them off, giving the two people in front of her a small smile. “I’m not sure how to tell you this, but I think I first need to show you.”

Both Mike and El looked at her and each other completely lost as to what Nancy was trying to tell them. In their confusion, Nancy had replaced the wand to a certain area of El’s stomach before flipping a switch on the ultrasound machine, letting a loud whooshing sound flood the room.

“What is that?” bewilderment still prevailing through Mike. Nancy just smiled and turned the screen to them, pointing at a miniscule dot on the screen.

“It’s a heartbeat,” her smile growing wider as their confusion only grew.

“But my heart’s up here,” El was holding her hand over her chest.

Nancy moved the wand from El’s lower belly to over her heart, the sound changing to a low, steady heartbeat, slower than before. “That’s actually your heartbeat, El. This,” she moved the wand back to its original position, the swooshing, galloping sound playing through the speakers once more, “is a different heartbeat.”

As the reality of what she was saying to them finally seemed to sink in, El’s hand tightened on Mike’s, cutting off circulation. Mike, however, didn’t even register the feeling as his whole body seemed numbed, the shock overriding his nervous system.

“It’s still really early, you’re looking at about 10 weeks or so, so it’s imperative that you listen to your body and be careful about this. The first trimester is usually the highest chance of a miscarriage, but with you El, I’d be careful the whole time. I would say your coldness might have something to do with all your heat being pulled to your core to keep this little one safe and warm. It is a bit unusual, so I would definitely check in with Dr. Brenner soon, but congratulations! You guys are going to have a baby!” Nancy couldn’t contain the giant smile and small squeal of excitement over the thought of these two deserving souls getting something they had hung up as being impossible.

“Oh my god,” Mike finally managed to choke out just as sobs started coming from El’s direction. As his eyes turned to her, his heart felt like it was going to explode as massive amounts of fear and panic overtook him at his wife’s tears. He folded her into his arms, “Baby, it’s going to be ok. We’ll figure it out, we’ll make sure we’re safe. Everything is going to be ok.”

“I c-can’t believe it!” she was wailing. And while she knew that she should probably calm down to make sure her husband knew that she wasn’t upset, all her brain could think of was that there was a precious life growing inside of her and that it was made up of her and Mike.

Knowing there was no way for her to get words of reassurance out, she lifted her lips to Mike’s as she threaded her fingers through his inky locks, pouring everything she was feeling into the kiss.

When they finally pulled apart, Mike rested his forehead on hers, eyes staring into her chocolate browns, thumbs wiping away her tear tracks. “You’re absolutely amazing, baby. I love you so much, Ellie. We’ll make sure we do everything right and that we’re careful to make sure this little one is safe and warm and happy,” one of his hands dropped to stroke her lower belly which was still covered in the gel; he could care less.

Tears still in her eyes, she gripped him fiercely, “Thank you, Mike. Thank you for saving me and continue to save me. Thank you for being my miracle.”

“Thank you for being mine.”

As they drove home that night, Mike going well under the speed limit and El gave a small eyeroll, they thought back to everything they had gone through and ahead to everything they were about to go through. They knew it was going to be a very difficult journey and that no matter what they did or how they prepared, there would be something unexpected.

In this moment, however, with all the doubts and worries, they felt the one thing they didn’t realize they hadn’t felt for a while now...Hope.

[scribblindown]

I hope you don't mind, but as a lesbian, I'd like to imagine how it wpuld fit in the ffxv universe. How would each of chocobros react to their crush rejecting their offer on a date bc they're actually a lesbian? Bonus points if Aranea is on the party and they notice she has a crush for the dragoon lady :)))

I’m a bit excited and nervous to tackle this! This would be pretty redundant because all of the Chocobros are smart boys who understand that love is love, but enjoy! 

Noctis:

He was really awkward when he found out that there was going to be a girl traveling with them, but he eventually grew closer to you, and started to have feelings for you. 

But even though he pins after you, he would be too shy to do anything about this crush, and just spends the road trip in awkward silence. You don’t know his puppy love, but just about everyone else and their mom knows about it. 

The boys would tease him relentlessly, and would continue to tell him to ask you out, but he would be stubborn and remain silent. 

During camp one day, Gladio, Prompto, and Ignis would act really strange and say things like, “That one stall worker thought that you and Noct would make a cute couple,” or, “What’s your type of guy?“ 

Eventually you would just deadpan and say, “Guys, I’m gay." 

Everyone would have the initial shock at first, but would accept it right away. 

Noctis would feel very upset at first, not because he doesn’t accept you for who you are, but because his feelings wouldn’t go anywhere now. It would take longer for him to basically understand that you were lesbian, but only because he liked you romantically at one point. He’d probably avoid you for a couple of days, making you wonder what you did wrong. 

He wouldn’t hold anything against you, and the more time he spends with you, his emotions towards you become more of a sibling love. 

He accepts you for who you are, but he doesn’t have the strongest grip on the LGBTQ+ community, so he’s a bit clueless about it. You’d probably have to school him about your sexuality every now and then. 

He would definitely be the friend that is like, "I met another lesbian today.”“…”“So I told her about you." 

Prompto: 

Okay, first of all, look at this boy and tell me that he’s not the slightest bit homosexual. 

Don’t you see the way he smacks Noct’s royal booty? 

Prompto’s crush on you definitely stems from admiration.

When he finally tells you that he likes you and he’d like to take you on a date, you’d feel so bad because the thought of hurting Prompto makes my heart ache. 

"Oh, uh, I’m sorry, I really like you too, and I’d love to go on that photography drive with you, but only as a friend." 

He’d immediately turn red to his ears and start apologizing to you for beng so direct. 

"No! No! It’s not you! I’m just attracted to women!" 

Oh.

…OH.

Prompto would feel a bit sad about you rejecting him, but that’s only because rejection hurts no matter what, but rest assured, he loves you all the same, but this time it’s just platonically. A bit of surprise would show on his face, but other than that it’s not an extravagant reaction. 

It would be as if nothing has ever changed, Prompto is very open-minded, cool, and supportive with people’s sexuality. 

"I understand!” he says with a smile. “I just wish you told me sooner!" 

He has a good understanding of the LGBTQ+ community, both by definition and emotionally, so you are completely casual and comfortable around him. He’ll understand when you rant to him. 

Prompto rarely gets angry, but he’ll get very visibly upset when homophobic people give you shit for who you are. He’ll be there to defend you right away. 

If anything, coming out to Prompto only makes you two closer! 

Gladio: 

"It’s a beautiful day in Galdin Quay, isn’t it?" "It sure is,” you say.“Then how about we get a couple of drinks together? Just you and me—It will be a date." 

It takes you a while to understand what he’s trying to say. 

"Oh…Oh! Gladio, I’d still get drinks with you, but you should know that I’m a lesbian." 

He’d just stare at you for a while, and it makes you a bit nervous, since he has such an intense gaze. You would worry about him accepting you in those few seconds. 

Then he bursts out laughing and you get confused. 

"That makes so much sense!” He would give you a slap on the back strong enough to send you bowing over. 

Don’t get insulted though, he’s mostly laughing at himself for not catching on earlier.

Other than that, nothing would really change between the two of you, other than being more casual about sexual jokes around each other. 

He wouldn’t feel bad about your rejection and takes it in stride, it’s not like he, and anyone else for that matter, can do much about who you like anyway. 

He’s very nonchalant about it, but if someone insults you he’d get angry. Start-a-fight-right-now angry. You’d probably have to hold him back. 

It would be great if you two were into the same type of girl. 

“She’s pretty hot,” he’d comment about a girl walking by in the streets of Insomnia. You lean over. “She is." 

The two of you compete to see who can get her phone number first. 

Ignis:

"If you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to take you out on a date tomorrow." 

You’d pause for a while, because this is the Ignis asking you out on a date. You didn’t even know that he liked you like that. 

"Oh, uh, I’m sorry, Ignis, but I can’t go on that date with you—I like girls." 

He wouldn’t react much at all. He’d go silent for a couple of seconds, then fix his hair or push up his glasses. 

"I…I see…I just don’t understand why you never brought this up before." "Well, it’s not like who I choose to sleep with really has anything to do with protecting the prince." 

He’d be very stiff around you for a while, but eventually realizes that his actions might make you sad, but he tells you that he’s still just processing this. It isn’t everyday that Ignis asks a girl out on a date. 

He takes note of your sexuality and researches more on it. 

When time passes, and the occasion comes by, he’ll ask you questions about it. Like when did you realize that you were lesbian, or what are the reactions of certain people. 

He’s just a very supportive mom. 

But guy or girl, he’ll lecture you about safe sex and fuss over you whenever you leave for a date and come home from one . 

"Sexually transmitted diseases can kill, kids." 

Aranea: 

This was embarrassing, degrading, and terrifying, and your knees were quaking just thinking about it. Arenea stood several meters in front of you, her back turned as she threatened talked to one of the workers posted at the edge of the now empty Nif base. “Hidden” several meters behind you were your friends, and in response to your helpless look, they sent an encouraging one back. 

Gladio gave you a thumbs up while Prompto held up his camera to capture the moment you would finally confess. After you had come out to them, they noticed that you had a not-so-secret on Aranea this entire time, something that they passed off as sheer nerves from her assertive personality. They teased you relentlessly about your crush on her, but eventually told you that either you told her, or they would. Aranea wasn’t going to hang around your party for much longer anyway. 

So here you were, heart beating so quickly that you were positive that you were going to die of a heart attack. You wondered if you should just bolt now, run away and change your name before you could embarrass yourself. You could face monsters without a blink of an eye, but you were having trouble breathing just looking at the dragoon lady herself. You almost wanted to cry. Sure, you knew that you liked girls, and there were girls now and then that piqued your interest, but never before had you liked someone as much as you liked Aranea. 

Finally, she turned around, and raised a dainty eyebrow at your strange arrangement. With you terrified as hell and with the boys “hiding” behind a bush several meters behind you, she knew something was up. 

“Uh, kid, are you alright? Maybe you should go see a doctor or something, your face is kinda red,” Aranea said as she walked closer. To your demise, she leaned in closer to your face. 

“I..! Uh…I mean…” you choked. You turned back to the boys and gave them a helpless look that just screamed, “Help me!” 

“Oh Aranea, my forever girl! Will you go on a date with me?!” Prompto yelled across the field in a high falsetto.

You gave him a betrayed look and mouthed, “What?!” across the field. He gave you a helpless shrug back. 

“So that’s what this is about,” Aranea said, her voice smooth as silk. You were afraid to turn around. Once you did, you saw her with a hand on her hip and a smug smirk towards you. “Blondie over there is quite a wingman. Sure, you’re kinda cute. I’ll go on a date with you.” 

“What?” you weren’t even sure if you were hearing her correctly. 

“I’m free tomorrow night if you’re up for it.”. You weren’t even sure what was happening. You let out a small squeak as you nodded.. “Great. I’ll see you around, kid.”

Just as she left you with a smirk, she gave your bottom a light smack that made you stiffen up like a board. A loud scream escaped your lips. Over the pulsing in your ears, all of the boys yelled out in victory. 

Side Quest: 

Get [Name] a date with the Dragoon is now completed. 

[thirteenthspirit]

Hold My Hand While I Climate Change

I just came back from my first-ever road trip via electric vehicle. I had ridden electric cars before, but never actually taken a long voyage by means of one. It wasn’t a very long trip, covering only about ~300km (about 186 miles for my non-existent American readers) and spanning a whopping 5 hours. We were going sightseeing in the city of Guimarães, the birthplace of Portugal, a place ridden with history and beautiful sights, with churches and sanctuaries hidden atop mountains, covered in lush forests draped in autumn’s colors.

Just to get it out of the way – my experience was positive. We didn’t waste any money on gas, which we would’ve whether we had taken my 2009 VW Polo, instead of the 2016 Nissan Leaf. But by no means do I think Portugal is fully prepared for the switch to electric-powered vehicles. Charging posts are still far and few (although growing at a much-needed rate) and still cost us a couple of hours amid waiting times and available fast-charging stations.

One of the funniest yet most awkward parts was having people gawk at us when we charged the car, mostly out of curiosity and wonder. The talk and build-up for electric cars has been increasing exponentially but many people – myself included, are still somewhat in the dark about it. We know it has been growing but had never really been confronted with the reality of it.

This got me thinking – and exchanging views with my companion, the owner of the car, for him it was almost unfathomable that I was such a sceptic about electric cars, or at least that I had never considered it as a viable option, because I was very isolated from it, just a matter of lack of exposure. When my mother called and asked why we had taken his car instead of mine, after “to save money on gas” I said (at my companion’s urge) “also to avoid polluting”. Which was followed by a heartening and ear-shattering (thanks for that mom) laugh. Not with the intent of making fun, but out of sheer surprise out of something that, for her, was so responsible and (dare I say) over-the-top environmentally sustainable, that had never crossed her mind before.

So why does this divide persist? I consider myself an informed person and I think I have a responsibility with minimizing my environmental footprint, but I was met with the realization that there are people WAY ahead of me. There is a clear divide in the spectrum, with the “most sustainable” at the top and the “less informed” at the bottom. Note I do not say “less interested”, rather “less informed” – I believe it’s just a matter of coming to terms with what we need to do and the consequences of our actions, to spurn each and every one of us to action.

So it’s a matter of conveying just how important this matter is. It is why Greta Thunberg’s voice and many more like her are so necessary – because it’s about getting the message across. To only one person, if that’s the extent of our reach, but it’s already worth it to convince one individual about the seriousness of this topic. Not only how much our input and cooperation is needed, but also to contextualize as to how the world is evolving and there are sustainable options and solutions for your everyday needs.

Someone compared it to the technological revolution, a couple of days ago (in my little finance ‘bubble’), how the developed world is shifting to prioritize sustainable solutions and how everyone who doesn’t get the picture (like the people who shunned the internet’s power at first) are going to have a tough time, being left behind in the dust and struggling to maintain their old-fashioned ways.

My argument here is a double-edged one – on one hand, it is important to get the message across. It is vital, it is my generation’s fight and every single one of us, no matter how little, can play a big role in empowering the voice for the need to change. We do have to point out what is wrong, what can be changed and what needs to be improved. But on the other hand, we cannot forget to help each other. Our struggle is to get people to hear our voice, to empathize with our plight and in that way come to our side and join us.

When people were gawking at us in gas stations, stripping us and commenting while our Leafy was charging, my immediate reaction (stemming from a couple of unhealthy social anxiety issues) was the typical “What are you staring at?”. But my companion’s reply was “No, it’s ok, it means they’re interested and want to know more. It’s a bit awkward for me too, but it’s an important part we have to play. Sometimes they come and ask me about the car, and I am more than glad to answer their questions. This is how we get the message across.”

This is how we get the message across.

That simple gas station conversation will get someone more sensitized to the viability of an electric car – say, a middle-aged couple with a few children. From the children, naturally, the parents will receive constant reminder of the need for environmental awareness, starting “simple” with recycling issues (taught around 5th grade at my time) and then evolving to updates on new technological developments prioritizing sustainability. The bubble of awareness grows.

Now – aside from the cooldown from my weekend trip, another reason that spurned me to write about this topic was a news piece I just saw on LinkedIn, basically listing the top 20 firms behind a third of all carbon emissions, by The Guardian. The list is comprised almost entirely of drilling and oil-exploration companies, public and/or privately-owned ones. The piece highlights the amount of money and time these corporate giants spend on lobbying and cozying-up to local governments, to make sure their interests are prioritized, over others such as “that whole hippy plant-loving environmental thing”. And it does make me mad. It does enrage me. And there should be a channel for that rage. Why am I out here doing my part for some corporate lobbyist to keep fueling their innate greed and selfishness, effectively undoing all my efforts just like that?

So what to do with this rage? Do I email general@oilcompany.com with a well-funded and sustained rant? Do I try my best to go on the news and the ‘public eye’ so I can point a finger at these corporations? I don’t know… But what I propose is this – out of the, let’s say, 2000 employees in the company, the intern that is tasked with replying to the emails from the general corporate inbox, is probably aware of this issue. He just doesn’t have enough decisive power within the organization, to effect change. And neither do 99% of the rest of the employees.

The 1% do. The board members do. The CFO’s and CEO’s and CIO’s and CTO’s and how-many-more-Oh’s you want to come up with, have the power to make a change. So they’re the ones we should be pointing fingers at. They and the ones hiding in the shadows, pulling strings with corporations and governments to ensure their ‘organizations’ keep turning a different kind of ‘sustainable wheel’ – the kind of sustainable that ensure money keeps flowing, not the actual and true sustainability we’re trying to preach. They will always look after their own interests first and if our worst fears come to pass, say and energetic crisis or a global extinction-level event, the rich will always be the most protected. It will eat through each of us first, before it gets to them.

So these hidden powers and ‘influencers’ (not the kind we idolatrize) are the real people we need to reach. But as much finger-pointing and corporate bashing and public ostracizing that (maybe) can be done, something tells me that isn’t nearly as effective as these people having their own family members go like “Dad, can’t we do something about this?”. And hey, I know those guys take their own private cars and planes to go places, but their 3rd cousin Bill usually goes through the interstate.

Maybe he stops at the same gas station as I did. And maybe there he learns about how much better (for the environment and his pocket) an electric car is. So maybe he then comments about it to his 2nd cousin Mike.

Mike had already heard about it from his teenage daughter Anne and is quite versed on climatic issues, he follows Elon Musk on twitter after all, so he decides to get an electric car. He likes his experience and becomes quite advocate on it, actually gaining some pride on doing something good for the environment as well. So maybe he keeps telling his half-sister Lisa at family gatherings.

And Lisa hears it from him. And from her children. And from her friends. And from her neighbors. And from Greta on the TV. And so she becomes convinced and afraid – she comes into the bubble.

Here’s the catcher – Lisa sits on the board of a large energy producing company, even being featured on the “Forbes 50 people to watch in 2020”. So she conveys all her beliefs and ideas to the rest of her fellow stakeholders. The result? Setting the following 2025 goal: shifting 90% of the company’s energy production to renewables. And in that way, effect impact on a global scale. And all of that from a simple conversation at a gas station – at least where my part is concerned.

My point is a very simple and human one – help each other. Be patient with each other. Never patronizing. People say things or maybe they’re less attuned to environmental issues than we are, and they have their reasons, valid or not. But the way we can get them to realize the validity of our fight is through dialogue. We should adapt our speech to their struggles and skepticisms, before throwing hostile arguments in their face.

Aside from the global movement, the part we individuals can play is a very simple and easy one.

Maybe just answering a couple of questions about why you’re plugging in your car through the nose. Social anxiety or not, I think even I can do that one!

Here’s to using words as our biggest tool,

                                                                                                 -João A. (Pachiren)

[jugandbettsdetectiveagency]

In honor of your graduation - you have to write a Bughead graduation fic!!! (xxx peacelovebughead)

Thank you, @peacelovebughead! I was actually in the process of finally filling this elopement prompt and setting it during graduation so this was perfect! I hope you enjoy!

“Ugh, it’s gonna rain I can feel it now. It’s gonna rain, and if these suede pumps get ruined I will sue,” Veronica ranted as she warily eyed the dark clouds rolling in over their heads. “What is the point of all this anyway?” she asked in exasperation, gaze turning to run over the throngs of students surrounded their little group.

“Organisation,” Betty replied, casting her eyes round in the same path as Veronica’s. “They need to make sure we all know where we’re going on the actual day,” she shrugged, one arm wrapped around Jughead’s, the other moving to lace her fingers with his.

“Herding us together like cattle one last time,” Jughead commented with his usual snark, rolling his eyes as a fellow student brushed past him, jostling his arm. Betty glanced up at him from underneath thick eyelashes, biting her lip against a grin at his usual surly mood. He flicked his gaze to hers out of the corner of his eye, looking away quickly as he pursed his lips against the smile that threatened to sneak onto his own lips from her look, corners twitching in betrayal. Betty giggled, nuzzling further into his side.

“Couldn’t they have done this closer to graduation? On a day when a downpour is not imminent?” Veronica continued on her tirade, shifting her weight from foot to foot as she grew impatient. They were standing a short distance away from the A’s, considering Archie had been snatched up right near the start. He gave her a cheeky grin.

“Kinda snappy today, Ronnie, what gives?” Archie asked, tilting his head to the side in question. Veronica sighed, cheeks heating gently as she avoided the eyes that turned to scrutinise her.

“I don’t know, I guess it’s just hit me. We’ve had our last spring break as high school kids and now we’re going to graduate and go our separate ways… I feel like it’s ending when it only just began,” she mumbled. Archie’s eyes softened, wrapping an arm around her waist and placing a reassuring kiss against the side of her head. She threw him a small smile.

“Hey, it’s not the end. Just the next chapter, right guys?” Archie turned to address the general group. There were a few comforting nods but Betty couldn’t focus. They were calling out the C’s now, her name should be up next. Her heart was hammering like a hummingbird’s in her chest, palms sweaty as they passed the place for Cooper without uttering the word. Jughead could feel her pulse against his arm, hand tightening around hers in reflex. No one seemed to notice the error.

“…Kevin Keller…” Mr Weatherbee called out over the mindless hum of chatter, Kevin’s ears perking up.

“That’s me,” he sighed with an eyebrow, moving to join the end of the line. The names continued to pour out.

“…Veronica Lodge…” Veronica raised her eyebrows briefly before walking to her place. More names.

“…Elizabeth Jones, Forsythe Jones…” It was as if the entire student body collectively inhaled. Archie did an almost comical double take, head turning between Weatherbee, Betty, and Jughead. Veronica’s mouth dropped open. Kevin’s hands went to his face, eyes glistening with glee. Betty felt her cheeks flaming scarlet as they both headed towards their spots, passing the line of staring, shocked faces. She tilted her chin up slightly, eyes firm as she focused on the warmth of Jughead’s hand in hers, grounding her as he always did. Sure, the attention embarrassed her, but marrying Jughead months before their high school graduation? She’d never been more proud of a decision.

She was, however, slightly thankful in that moment, after the unintentionally grand reveal, that her friends were stuck firmly in their places down the line, unable to accost them and bombard them with the questions clearly bursting to pour out of their mouths. Everyone was still staring as they waited for the list to finish, Weatherbee only on the M’s by now. Betty turned her back on the person in front of her, focusing only on the soothing, cool blue of Jughead’s eyes. He ducked his head to search her eyes, noticing the worry around the edges.

“You okay?” he murmured, hands caressing her arms comfortingly. She nodded, offering him a smile.

“There’s a lot of people looking,” she whispered back. He knew this was what was bothering her.

“Hey, I’m right here. Just you and me, alright?” he replied. She nodded again, shoulders losing some of their tension as she remembered.

***

Spring break had been perfect, as far as Jughead had been concerned. He and Betty had taken a road trip to Toledo, promising to look after Jellybean while their mom had to go out of town for a while, his grandparents away for the week.

The drive had been one of the best experiences of his life, windows of his dad’s borrowed truck rolled down, spring sunshine pouring in, casting all kinds of mesmerising patterns through Betty’s golden hair as it blew about her in the breeze. He’d created a playlist especially for the occasion, grinning with unrestrained bewilderment as she sang along to the tracks she knew in the most beautifully melodic voice he’d ever heard. The open road changed her, changed both of them. The world seemed to be at their fingertips, the possibilities stretching out endlessly before them, waiting to be grasped.

They decided to spend a night under the stars, camped out beneath an assembly of blankets in the bed of the truck. Betty had curled into his side, head resting over his heartbeat as she tangled her legs with hers. The sky above them was littered with bright dots uninterrupted by city lights, miles and miles away but feeling like they were close enough to touch, securing them under a dome that was all their own.

“What do you think is up there?” Betty had asked, high on the secluded night air, the feeling of his fingertips running along the exposed skin of her lower back, the drowsiness that threatened to engulf her for the night. Jughead smiled, just the barest movement in the corner of his lips as he took one last look at the constellations before tilting his head down to look into her upturned eyes. He saw constellations there too, in the flecks of gold and blue swimming in deep, endless green.

“Possibilities,” he murmured back, leaning down to capture her lips in a slow kiss before they burrowed back against each other for the night.

He was watching Betty now as she chased Jellybean through the field of flowers, the game of tag supposedly helping to get them out of their picnic induced coma. He looked down at the display of empty containers around him, conceding that they may have gone a little overboard on the amount of food they’d brought. He couldn’t help it, Betty made him go to every extreme.

The past few days had almost been like every white picket fence dream Jughead would never admit he’d had. He woke up, every morning, to her face inches away from his, her eyelashes still fluttering gently against her cheeks in slumber. He always woke up first - habit still due to having to be out of whatever corner he’d chosen as his bed before someone found him - and stole a few private moments to watch her features, completely relaxed and unguarded, not plagued by the troubles of the wakeful. She always stretched before even opening her eyes, uncurling her cramped limbs until she was completely invading his personal space. She’d smile, eyes drifting open, as he ran his hands over every inch of skin he could reach, peppering light kisses across her face until his lips finally meet hers.

They’d go downstairs and make breakfast together, him in charge of the coffee, Betty in charge of the pancakes, or whatever else she chose to cook that morning - his favourite would always be her pancakes though, jutting out his bottom lip as she’d chastise him with a “we can’t have pancakes every morning!” until she’d concede, telling him that surely his rugged good looks wouldn’t work on her forever, especially not if he ate as many pancakes as he did. Jellybean usually stumbled in some time later, rubbing the sleep from her eyes as the couple grinned at her, happy that they’d managed to coax her from her bed before noon with the smell of food; she was definitely Jughead’s sister.

They went to the movies, out for dinner. They’d taken Jellybean to the park, bought her ice cream from the truck. They’d dropped her off at a friends house, promising to come and pick her up again in the morning, telling her not to have too much fun as she rolled her eyes, grumbling to her older brother that he sounded more like her dad than her sibling.

Betty had been wearing her hair down all week, he noted as he ran his hand through the silken strands that evening, cuddled up against her on the couch. He liked it, and not just because he couldn’t keep his hands out of it. It meant she felt comfortable, at home with him and this little domestic show they were playing out, his mother’s house the stage, audience party of two. Betty was placing flowers in JB’s hair as he watched from his spot on his blanket, his sister smiling bashfully up at her in response. He couldn’t have been more thrilled at the response his girlfriend had elicited from his sister, almost as if it had slid the last piece into place. Betty wandered back over to him, cheeks flushed from the sun, as JB continued to pinch the stems of daisies between her fingers, lacing them into a chain.

“I’m so tired I could sleep for a week,” she sighed, sun-drowsy as she flopped down next to Jughead, head resting on his shoulder. Jughead’s arm came up to wrap around her waist automatically.

“I don’t remember feeling like this, ever,” he mumbled some time later. She lifted her head to stare at him, brows pinched slightly. “As if I could keep living like this for the rest of my life and always be happy,” he clarified, watching her features soften.

“It will be like this,” she promised, eyes earnest. He took one of her hands into his lap, playing with her fingers idly.

“We’ll make it, right? Through college?” he asked, voicing the concerns that had been nagging at his brain for the past few months, graduation growing ever closer.

“Juggie, we’re going to New York together. We’ll be living in the same apartment!” Betty laughed, eyes lighting up at her own words, excitement constantly bubbling in the pit of her stomach every time she thought about their future. He smiled briefly at her response, shrugging nonetheless.

“I know, I just… it’s a whole different world out there, Betts. So much bigger and brighter than Riverdale. You’re gonna flourish and grow and I just…” he trailed off, pain in his chest growing as he thought out the possibilities in his mind.

“And you’ll just be by my side, flourishing and growing along with me,” she cut in, tone firm, leaving no room for argument. He met her eyes, their deep green almost glowing with ferocity. “I love you, Jughead. And I know you don’t always believe me but I need you as much as you say you need me. We’re a pair and that’s the way it’s going to stay for the rest of our lives. You fill the parts of me that were empty for so long in my life. You ease the dull ache in my chest that I didn’t ever think was capable of going away. Every time I see you, or hear your voice, or feel your touch, I know inexplicably, without a doubt in my mind, that I am home,” she rushed out, pouring every ounce of emotion into her words she was capable of. “I’ll want you forever,” she whispered, hand fisting in the material of his shirt. His eyes searched hers for a moment, seeing nothing but the truth.

“Marry me.” The words came out before he’d even had time to process the thought. Once they hung between them in the air, though, he knew he meant it.

“What?” she stammered, slightly taken aback at the abrupt turn in their conversation. His gaze remained unwavering.

“Marry me. I mean it, Betty. I already feel it too, this is forever. I want to make you mine forever. Will you? Marry me, I mean?” he asked again, heart hammering beneath his rib cage. The silence that followed seemed to stretch out for an eternity, blush creeping up his neck and onto his chest. He almost thought he was dreaming when she began to nod, tears gathering along her waterline and quickly spilling over onto her cheeks.

“Yes,” she breathed, barely able to find her voice to answer him. Jughead let out a breath he didn’t realise he’d been holding, relieved laugh getting lost in the exhale as she pulled him towards her. Her mouth covered his, dancing against his lips as her hands moved to his hair, tugging at the roots until she elicited a deep groan.

“Get a room!” Jellybean yelled at them from a few feet away, scrunching her nose up at the public display. Jughead laughed, pulling back to rest his forehead against Betty’s. The future suddenly seemed a whole lot brighter.

“I can’t wait to be Betty Jones,” she whispered against the skin of his chest later that night as they lay wrapped around each other. Jughead stilled, looking down at her with wide eyes.

“Y-you want to take my last name?” he asked in surprise. He’d spent a lifetime being ashamed of the name Jones that the thought of bestowing such a burden on the love of his life hadn’t even occurred to him. She moved to rest her chin on his chest, eyes meeting his steadily.

“Of course I do. You’re one of the smartest, kindest, bravest men I’ve ever met. I want to start a new family with you. It would be my honour.” Jughead swallowed around the thickness in his throat, simply nodding, blinking rapidly against the moisture in his eyes as she settled back against his side.

***

They’d taken off towards the Blue and Gold office as soon as they were able, narrowly dodging their friends as they attempted to fight their way through the crowds towards them. Jughead pulled Betty towards him for a swift, searing kiss, his lips releasing hers with a pop.

“It won’t take long for them to find us. You ready?” he asked, eyes glinting with mischief. She nodded, biting her lower lip. She was relieved that they finally all knew, a part of her loving the secrecy of their elopement, another part dying to tell the whole world that Jughead Jones was her husband.

“Yeah, let’s do this,” she said, barely getting the words out before the door flew open, Veronica, Archie, and Kevin all standing in the doorway with similar expressions.

“Okay, Betty Jones,” Veronica began, eyes narrowing but telltale smile planted on her lips. “First of all, why the hell wasn’t I invited to your wedding?!”

[wr8tur]

SUPERGIRL RANT TIME FULL 1

WARNING THIS IS GOING TO HURT FANS SO PLEASE SKIP IT

 I’ve been trying so hard not to disparage any pairings because I don’t want to hurt people’s feeling since we are all entitled to our opinions. And this is just my opinion so please do not hate and stop reading my fics because you don’t agree.

 I knew this show would not be pushing boundaries and it’s sad because they missed a lot of opportunities to. I wanted it to because we got a heroine stand alone TV show when we couldn’t even get a heroine stand alone movie! But then it wasn’t even a heroine stand alone TV show because Martian Manhunter is there and Superman and Flash appear too.

And I know other heroes made cameos on Smallville but that was like later on when the writers needed to extend plot and audience interest because Clark saving the day by himself wasn’t captivating enough.

 The only reason I stayed as long as I did was because of Cat Grant! I freaking loved how unapologetic she was, a perfect contrast to Kara, and a contributor to her personal growth as a character. And no, I didn’t ship them. I kind of saw it as a cross between a mother/daughter and a master/padawan relationship.

 And yes we have Sanvers but like I said that isn’t pushing boundaries. Alex is a character created for the show and Maggie is already out and proud in the comics.

 Doesn’t mean I don’t like either of them. I just mean that their homosexuality is a safe and obvious writing choice.

 What boundaries were really pressed when CW already greenlit Clexa (who I know ended but I’m blaming Fear the Walking Dead for that), bisexual White Canary, and Rafael Solano’s crazy ass sister? Point is girl on girl loving’s been around the CW for a while.

 But for Kara be with Mon El? The cliché of the girl next door falling in love with the bad boy while she’s helping reform him so he may change the error of his ways? I mean, come freaking on!

 That might have worked if this were a show about teenagers! But this isn’t The Breakfast Club or Dawson’s Creek because despite her name, Supergirl is not a girl. She’s a young woman who should know better than to fall prey to love interests who offer her no growth as a character because the only thing Mon El taught her is that MAYBE not all Daxamites are douchebags.

 And even then, that’s not a very big moral lesson for Kara to learn, seeing as she should already know it! She’s spent enough time on Earth to know about racism, sexism, and whatever else ism there might be.

 I suppose she’s learning to forgive, a lot. Because Mon makes a plethora of mistakes that people are supposed to just brush off because he’s from a distant planet and doesn’t know better. Basically, he’s like a child learning the ways of people on Earth hence why I think he’s infantile and frequently acts immature when he doesn’t get his way or he doesn’t understand why he’s wrong.

 I think the intention was for Mon to be a character that would push Kara to see the worst in herself so that she and the audience will realize she has faults and is far from perfect.

 He’s supposed to humanize her, make her more relatable for audiences because we don’t want pure and perfect. We want them a little damaged, broken along the edges. We want to be able to empathize, put an aspect of ourselves or something we aspire to be in a character so we’ll love them more.

 But I feel like the reason it doesn’t work is because it feels like he’s attacking her, who she is at her core and not just simply challenging her beliefs and ideals. He’s putting her down and it feels as though it’s so he can justify how cowardly and self centered he is. I find it hard to sympathize with the words of someone who really has no moral standing to be teaching a lesson seeing as it is coming from a petulant and narcissistic need to be right and superior than Kara rather than an actual helpful approach.

 I mean take Snapper Carr. He’s harsh with Kara but we can sense it’s because he wants to push her to be better. Mon just feels like he’s lashing out, retaliating, because Kara’s been calling him out on his obvious character flaws.

 Lena is the one who challenges not out of spite but out of a desire to educate. And maybe yes, she’s looking for sympathizers to her cause but her opposition mainly stems from intellectual differences and not solely emotional. Lena’s managed to engage Kara’s mind by offering different views about the bad aliens and bad people. Lena is teaching Kara that there are sides to every story, Lena is showing a different path/view than the one she knows and always follows, Lena is encouraging her to dig deep and think about things from another person’s perspective.

 If that isn’t character growth, I don’t know what is!

 Ugh… Let’s put this in genderless terms for those who may claim that I’m being biased because of the Katie McGrath issue.

 On one corner, we have someone who, may or not come from royal lineage which means they’ve been entitled their entire lives, gets stranded on a planet after discovering they might be the only one of their species left, has to adapt to the ways of the new habitat.

 Then on the other corner we have someone who’s been disparaged all their life, who has been earning the right to their name because they felt like they didn’t deserve it but then to find out that they do and now is solely responsible of bringing their entire lineage to the light, to rectify the mistakes of their entire family, by whatever means necessary, all on their own.

 And this person is choosing to do it simply because they believe it’s what they should be doing, not just because they are worried what a potential love interest/ best friend might feel.

 Because Lex spent a lot of his time feeling sorry for himself, only stepped up his game in Smallville after he met Clark. Besides, that episode where Lex got split in two made it seem like his evil side gained dominance over his good so it’s quite different from what Lena’s going through where she’s choosing the path for herself.

 Tell me, which character arc you’d want to see more?

 Because I’ve seen similar characters of the first one but I have yet to see a character who has been so close to actual darkness and have no one in their corner yet manage to retain some semblance of light all on their own?

 Because that’s who Lena is, a person who’s been struggling with darkness even before she met Kara, even before she may or not have fallen for Kara/Supergirl. She’s been alone because she’s been cast aside, repeatedly reminded she’s worthless and undeserving, but finds the strength within her to constantly prove everyone wrong and succumbs to no one’s ideals but her own.

 Which I know is hypocritical of me to demand since in my fics Lena’s reason for wanting to be better/good/not really evil has something to do with Kara.

 Then again she’s a proficient conniver in Winning Ways thus retaining the whole she’s not totally bad but she’s not totally good either thing I think she has going for her. Plus, she didn’t really change who she is so she can get Kara. I mean she totally used Kara’s weaknesses to her advantage so maybe not so hypocritical?

 Then again, my Lena’s never masked her intention in my fics. She’s always managed to let Kara know she’s her reason for doing things as opposed to Mon El’s approach of wanting to change just so he can be around Kara.

 I digress…

 Lena is a much more interesting character because even before the Luthors episode, her character already had so much going for her. She was already going through a struggle we hadn’t seen before because her freaking brother was a murderous psychopath who didn’t care who was in his way as long as he killed Superman. And yeah, Lionel killed his parents in Smallville so I’m guessing this universe’s Lionel is just as seedy.

 I didn’t even know Lena’s adoptive mom was alive, though I suspected, but I still wanted to see whether or not Lena was on the light or dark or gray. I was captivated by her character already.

 And now she’s wasted as secondary plot device….

 Maybe Mon is supposed to be the character we sympathize with? Maybe he’s the flawed individual who’s dripping with potential but needs guidance to realize his true purpose.

 Maybe if they had focused more on his adapting to human ways instead of combining the hero element, he would work more as a character because right now there are too many heroes on the field since we got a glimpse of Superman and now James wants to be a hero as well.

 Maybe I wouldn’t mind Mon and Kara KaraMel relationship if I didn’t feel it was so infantile and shallow and utterly predictable.

 Maybe if Mon was the rebellious headstrong beginner hero they intended him to be instead of the ignorant and arrogant conformist he’s coming off to be I wouldn’t feel such a need to ship Lena with Kara.

 Maybe if Mon had more time to grow, if they gave a full season for him to learn and evolve, he’d be a better character.

 Maybe if it felt like he would still be trying to be a better person and a hero regardless if Kara wanted to pursue a romantic relationship with him or not, hence the conformist comment, or confessed to Kara that she’s his reason for wanting to change then I’d respect his character.

 Maybe I’m just disappointed I haven’t found an on screen canon girl on girl couple I can totally be in love with.

 Maybe I’m just being greedy.

 Or maybe I just long for the day when I shouldn’t have to be grateful for a semi main gay character to be on a television show.

 In this day and age, I’m sick of the breadcrumbs.

 I know I’m just an amateur fanfiction writer and perhaps I’m being too harsh and critical and I’m sorry if it feels like I’m saying the cast and crew aren’t doing their jobs right. I know how hard writing can be. I know the writers are doing the best they can but it doesn’t feel like it’s enough.

 RANT TIME DONE

[thefaeborn]

I never would have married if I’d understood Mental Illness.

When I met my ex-husband, I was just 20 years old. I was just out of a long-term relationship with an abusive partner—well, to be fair, we were abusive to each other. We were young, and stupid. (For those wondering, we’ve actually become close friends over the intervening years.) But that’s neither here nor there. When I met my ex, I was vulnerable and scared.

I have always had low self-esteem, so when I ran into him in the break room at the call center we both worked for, I figured I didn’t stand a chance with him. So I didn’t bother trying to make a good impression. I just launched into a rant about my (then) ex-boyfriend and how ridiculously stupid he was. This new guy was understanding, charming, funny, intelligent, and offered me some good advice—to get away from the ex.

We exchanged numbers just prior to my very first mental breakdown. I took a month off work and expected to never see him again. At the time, we didn’t know what was wrong with me, so they diagnosed me with depression and anxiety, and that was that. I got pills, went to some classes, and thought I was ready to take my bruised psyche back into the workforce.

I couldn’t have been more wrong, and neither could my doctors.

We reconnected, my ex-husband and I, and we got to know each other. We talked a lot on the phone, and tried to meet up whenever we could line up our breaks at work. I thought I was doing better, but I just couldn’t get in the swing of things at work, so I eventually quit. It was around this time that he and I became more intimate, and I had a huge fight with my ex-boyfriend (who was still living with me at the time—I told you it was dysfunctional). I stayed with my new boyfriend for a week, hibernating in his room while he went to work so as to avoid his roommate, whom I never actually got to know.

At the end of that week, he moved in with me as my ex moved out. I literally never spent a single night alone in that apartment. If I’d known then what I know now about my mental illness…but again, that’s neither here nor there. This is the story of how I learned, not lamenting the fact that I didn’t know to begin with.

So he moved in with me. I suppose it’s about time I give him a name for all of you, we’ll call him Sam. That’s not his name, not even close, but I don’t want to write this to blast him. I want to write it for myself, so we’re going to call him Sam.

Sam moved in with me, and we got closer. A few weeks (yes, weeks) later, he proposed one night while we were lying in bed. I accepted (I was terrified of being alone, as if that wasn’t painfully obvious yet), and I was excited. Remember, I’m only 20 at this point. I think this is going great, because this was where I had wanted to be with my ex—engaged and planning a wedding. I figured I could just replace him with Sam, and everything would be fine. No, that’s not fair. At the time I didn’t think that, I’m just reflecting on it now with my new knowledge.

Things were confusing at that time. I’d been close to my mother, but after I’d left home at 17 (that’s a WHOLE ‘nother story), we’d been tense. That’s a nice way of putting it: tense. She didn’t approve of Sam, because she’d heard (from me) that he’d been married once and engaged another time and I thought he would be a bad influence. (In the joy that is retrospect, I should have stuck to that assessment, but impulse control being what it was…I’ll get to that.) So she didn’t approve, and when I told her we were engaged, she basically said “Don’t want to know, don’t care, don’t bother inviting me to the wedding”, but in more words. I don’t remember exactly what she said because I wasn’t thinking clearly at the time.

We didn’t speak again for two months. Dear reader, you need to understand what a huge thing that was for me. I didn’t fight with my mom when I was growing up; we were thick as thieves, as they say. I had always been very close to her, and this devastated me. I started planning my wedding, sure that I would be happy in my marriage because that’s what people my age did. Normal girls my age were dating, getting engaged, getting married. My own cousin, a little younger than me, was getting married soon.

I don’t remember how things got patched up with my mother, but I remember it involved her seeing a car parked out front of her house and having a sudden, irrational fear that I’d run off, eloped, and was now coming to tell her that she’d missed my wedding. (Pro-tip: It wasn’t our car.) We worked on repairing the damage, which we didn’t realize at the time stemmed all the way back to me leaving three years earlier, and she and my family tried their hardest to get to know this man I was planning on spending my life with.

I should have known something was amiss when I had to buy my own engagement ring from eBay, for $25. That really should have been a sign, but I was (again) young and stupid. We originally planned this huge, grand affair in San Diego, with all of the families present. Then, when that proved to be outlandishly expensive, we changed it to Las Vegas, at one of the resorts. It was still going to be big, but not nearly AS big as the Hotel Del Coronado on a private beach for $35,000.

Sam left his job when I found him a better one. When I say “I”, I mean I. I fixed his resume, sent it out, fielded the phone calls for potential interviews, scheduled them for him, and got him ready to go. All he had to do was walk in and show them he knew computers—which he did. With this better job, we planned our big day.

Then I panicked. I attended a very short wedding at a casino in Reno, and freaked out at the idea of having a 5-minute ceremony where I was bustled in and out to make way for the next blushing bride. So I called off the Las Vegas wedding. My family was understanding, his was not. His stepmother gave us grief about the “non-refundable plane tickets”. Because, as you know, your in-laws’ cost to fly from Sacramento to Las Vegas (when they already owned three homes) was supposed to be your biggest concern surrounding your wedding, right? No, I didn’t think so either, but at the time all I felt was guilt and shame.

So we rushed it. We planned, in 14 days, our entire wedding for Tahoe. My mother bought my dress, and his suit, and we reserved the chapel. We got a package deal, where for less than $2,000, we could have our wedding AND honeymoon! We thought we were so smart, taking that deal. We rushed to get rings (they were horribly disfigured from resizing them at home and almost breaking the nickel bands), and got all the extras we thought we would need. We invited his mom’s family (Bakersfield) and my grandparents (Reno), his dad and his wife, and my parents. That was it. My maid of honor was my best friend, who had to stop at a thrift store on the way to Tahoe to get a dress, because she didn’t own one at the time.

This was how we started our lives. I didn’t know it at the time, but the reason for all of this was two-fold. I was manic, and he was terrible at keeping a rein on me when I got like that. He avoided conflict, and I was a walking conflict-o-matic when I got like that. So we got married in Tahoe, and for a few weeks, we were fine.

Then the panic set in again. I had no idea how to be a wife, or what I was supposed to do. I knew it somehow involved supporting him in what he did, and I was happy to do that. My own mental health was deteriorating, and I had no idea because I was on the inside. In a healthy marriage, this would have been the time for my spouse to take matters into his own hands and get me in to a psychiatrist, but my marriage was not healthy. To be fair, neither was my spouse.

He quit the good job (where I was receiving medical insurance, something that wasn’t easy for me to obtain at the time, this was the early 2000s), because he wanted to start a business. Okay, I’m supposed to support him, so I went along with it. In a healthy marriage, this would have been the time for me to stand up for myself and my health and tell him he couldn’t quit his job until the business took off on the side. My marriage was not healthy, and neither was I.

For a little over a year, we tried to make the business work. There were good times and bad times, but we stayed afloat (mostly because my parents supported us by throwing as much work our way as they possibly could, computer or otherwise). After a year or so (I’m a little foggy), it became clear that we couldn’t support ourselves on just the business. So it was decided that we needed to get outside jobs.

I got a part-time job at a very small call center, and that was when my family realized something was wrong. I was sick constantly, I was a nervous wreck, and there were mornings where I wanted to wrap the car around a tree to avoid going to work. This should have been warning signs to my husband, but he didn’t know what he was looking for, so his only response was “We need you to keep this job.”

I quit the job. I couldn’t handle it, and as my mental illness emerged more and more clearly, everybody but Sam could see it. They just felt, as I did, that it was our job as adults and a married couple to handle it. We were all wrong.

He was having difficulty finding work, so in a moment of desperation (it’s scary how many of those I had in my marriage), we decided to move out of the area. Again, I was manic and we didn’t understand that. I got the idea in my head to move to South Dakota, where my best friend had moved, because at least there we knew someone. Stupid, stupid, stupid. We didn’t know anything about the area, we had no real support network there, and it was a terrible idea. But I had it stuck in my head, so I was going for it.

He moved first, stayed with my best friend, and I stayed with my parents. The idea was for him to find work out there, and get into a place, and I would join him. Now, I will say this with the hindsight of many years and much more understanding: somewhere in my mind, in my heart, I wished my parents would take over at that point and tell me to stay. I longed for them to sit me down and say, “Jen, you’re not moving to South Dakota. We’re getting you help, and you’re going to stay with us. We’ll file for divorce, and put this behind us.” I ached for that to happen, but it was buried so deep under my sense of duty to my husband, I didn’t know it was there. So I started this nasty pattern of hiding how I felt, and trying to pretend that I was okay.

This was the worst thing I could have done, because I’m a fairly decent actress. I pulled it off, at least for the six weeks I stayed with my parents. They thought I was missing Sam, that I wanted to be with him, and that I was excited for this adventure in life. And I thought, in turn, that I was supposed to be, so I tried to force it.

He finally got work (six weeks after leaving), and a week later I was heading out there. We found a place that weekend, a nice single-wide trailer with a landlord that wouldn’t ask for a deposit. We knew we wouldn’t find better with him working for Wal-mart and me just moving there (we were both still under the delusion that I could work). We moved right in and tried to make a go of it.

Two months later, he lost his job. They didn’t want to pay benefits, so they fired him after commuting his employment to “temporary” and claiming his contract had ended. At least, that’s what he told me, but looking back, I sometimes wonder… I started my process of finding him work again, and in the meantime he did day-labor work, making ends meet with some help from my friends and family.

The seven years we spent in South Dakota are difficult for me to write about, because so much and so little happened there. My time felt endless as I descended into my mental illness without support or care. He went from job to job for a while, finally settling at a call center that paid him decently but not impressively. I went outside less and less, being unable to leave on my own and him not being willing to go anywhere with me in tow. My days were spent on the computer, making friends with the pixels and words coming from the other end of the internet, occasionally emailing him at work to ask him to pick something up on the way home—milk or my cigarettes or dinner of some kind.

There were a few moments that stand out to me, but most of it is a blur. The first of those moments was when I tried to kill myself. I had been to see a psychologist, who diagnosed me with bipolar disorder, and the resident psychiatrist started me on medication. I didn’t understand how many different factors went into treating mental illness—neither did Sam—so we thought this would resolve it. I would remain on medication and that would treat it. We thought that until I took too many pills one night, trying to escape what was turning into my own personal hell.

I was admitted to a mental hospital for a few days while they tried to adjust my medications and generally just kept an eye on me. During the time I was there, I was permitted to call Sam in the evening, which I did every day. He seemed…annoyed with me calling and I turned that inward. It was my fault, I was bothering him, he was tired from work and I was interrupting his “decompression” time.

I know I’ve talked about the Voice before, but South Dakota is really where it took hold in my head. It has always been there, making me suspicious of the people in my life, but being unsure if your husband actually cares about whether or not you die is definitely a way for it to take control. I didn’t know what it was at the time, didn’t know it was my illness whispering lies to me, so I didn’t know to talk about it. It wasn’t a hallucination (I knew it was in my head), so the doctors didn’t give it a lot of thought. They thought it was me saying those things to myself… If we’d only known then what we know now…

I got out, went through a month of CBT group therapy, and finally admitted some things about my past that I’d had locked away in my head for years. The abuse when I was a child, the abandonment I felt, a lot of things. I had to admit that I suffered from PTSD as well as my bipolar, and the doctors amended my diagnosis to Bipolar Disorder II. This meant that I didn’t have standard “mania” episodes, but rather episodes of “hypomania”, a lesser form. For the record, this diagnosis is somewhat incorrect, but more on that later.

We discovered that my bipolar was rapid-cycling, meaning that I would be manic or depressed more than once or twice a year. There is no word for how rapidly I cycle. I will cycle sometimes on a weekly, daily, or hourly basis (usually dependant on what medication I’m taking and what stressors are in my life at the time). I was very stressed at the time. My home life was a wreck and I had no idea how to fix it. My husband’s paycheck was being garnished for medical bills we couldn’t afford to pay, and he refused to drive to the capital to get a form that would exempt him from having to be garnished (he didn’t make enough, and he was the sole provider in our home).

I descended further.

The next instance of something I remember clearly was the night I was so hungry (Sam hadn’t been able to get us groceries for a few nights), I went dumpster diving for a burger tossed out by my neighbors. I remember being freezing that night, and I remember smelling the burger smell coming from the dumpster. It didn’t occur to me at the time what I was doing; all I thought of was how hungry I was and how stupid it was to throw out an almost complete burger. It wasn’t until later, when my friend brought it up, that I realized I’d just taken a burger from a garbage bag in a dumpster in the middle of the night.

Now, during our marriage (of 10 years before we decided to separate), Sam and I had been only mildly physically intimate. At first it was because I was uncomfortable with sex (a LOT of back-story there), and I thought he was just being supportive. That opinion changed when we went two years without being physically intimate at all and then seven more in South Dakota with literally two instances of sex. One of which was a traumatizing blow job when he “finally” got an erection.

Sam had a porn addiction, but wouldn’t admit it. He’d hide the videos, I’d find and delete the videos, he’d pretend he didn’t notice and go download them again. I want to be clear here, I didn’t care that he was watching porn. Well, I cared that he could get hard for porn and not for me, but I was glad that his plumbing at least worked! What bothered me was the way he would hide it, making me feel like the villain any time I would bring it up. He was the innocent victim (one time he tried to blame it on the size of his hard drive, saying hackers were illegally downloading porn to his drive because it was so big—I’m not kidding), and I was the harpy shrew because I was accusing him. I didn’t understand (or even know) the term “gas-lighting” back then, but boy do I understand it now.

I would try to initiate intimacy, he would pull away. I would try to talk to him about it, about how it was a need of mine and I wanted to know what I could do to help him, he would deflect and blame his blood pressure medication or his stress at work. That isn’t to say that these couldn’t have been factors, but he didn’t care enough to discuss it with his doctor, or me, or anyone. He didn’t care enough to tell me that he just wasn’t interested in me sexually. He couldn’t be bothered.

I tried to approach the idea of having an open marriage, but he said that was “no marriage at all” and refused. In short, he kept me tied to his sexless lack of desire. And that wasn’t the only thing Sam kept me tied to.

I remember my mother coming to visit on the last birthday I had there. We stayed holed up in the hotel room all weekend because I was too afraid to leave. Clearly the medications weren’t working for me, but I was still a great actress. My mom had an idea that something was wrong, but she’d been trying for years to let me live my life the way I kept telling her I wanted to live it. It wasn’t her fault I was great at lying about what I wanted.

See, Sam had convinced me that I didn’t have any option outside of him. He made sure to reinforce this thought by reminding me that my family had stopped helping us financially, and that my friends didn’t care about me as much as he did. With the help of the Voice, he had me convinced that I couldn’t go anywhere, because no one would take me in, and I was clearly unable to support myself. I needed Sam. He was the only one taking care of me, and I couldn’t afford to lose that or I’d be on the streets and arguing with the sidewalk.

After that visit from my mom, in November, I didn’t leave the house until I left South Dakota, 11 months later. Picture that for a moment. Through FOUR DIFFERENT SEASONS, I didn’t leave the trailer. It was a wreck, because I was so tied up in knots that I couldn’t even leave to take out the trash by myself. Sam would tell me, “If you ever want to go somewhere, just take me to work and you can have the car for the day.” But I was too afraid to go somewhere alone. I couldn’t be alone, that was crazy talk! And he knew it was, the bastard. He knew damn well that I wouldn’t leave the house by myself, that I needed him with me, and he conveniently managed to always be too tired or too worn out or too stressed or too something to go anywhere with me.

*deep breath* I’m okay. This gets me a little riled up sometimes, but I’m okay.

I smoked a lot during that time. I wasn’t telling anyone in my life how stressed and alone I felt, so I turned to my cigarettes for comfort. At one point, I smoked a whole carton in less than a week. These aren’t menthols, either. Cloves. Hard stuff on the lungs. I smoked 160 of those in 4 days. Every time I turned around, I was smoking or eating, because I had nothing else to do and I felt like I was trash. Sam would bring home fast food rather than go to the store (he was too tired after work), so I lived on McDonald’s McChicken sandwiches for a few months at a time.

Even when I finally worked up enough courage to move out, it was with the understanding that Sam would follow me at some point (a reverse of the move to South Dakota). I had someone I had been seeing online for a few months. He and his mother offered to rent me a room in her house for less than $200 a month, something I could afford with the help of a good friend. Sam would join me when we found him work out there (in western New York), and we would hit that giant reset button again, only this time there would be a little bit of a support network.

I moved out in October of 2013 or 14, and that was the last time I saw Sam in person. I almost didn’t make my flight out, because he was dragging his feet that day. I think something in him knew that this was the end. Something in me knew it, but I didn’t want to listen to that part of me just yet. I went to New York and settled in, then started looking for work for Sam.

He didn’t know that the person I’d moved to be with (we’ll call him Mike, but again—that’s not his name) was my boyfriend. He thought it was just a friend. Or maybe he did know and just didn’t say anything. It doesn’t matter at this point. Mike’s mom helped me sort out possible jobs for Sam, because when he moved out there with me, we were going to be renting the other side of her duplex, and she’d get more than $200 a month from us. So she was totally on board. Funnily enough, the one person who wasn’t on board…was Sam.

When I tracked down a job for him and told him to send me a copy of his resume to forward on, he said no. He didn’t want to leave the job he was at (that was garnishing his wages and had caused him two strokes), because he’d put in so much time there, he didn’t want to lose seniority. I told him I wouldn’t be moving back, we had a barely-there argument, and I told him I would talk to him later.

Sam had been taking out paycheck advances from our joint bank account for a long time. We were informed by the bank that they would be halting that program, and everything needed to be repaid by X Y Z date. We had talked about it, he had agreed to work extra overtime to help pay for it so the bank account didn’t have trouble, and I thought that was the end of it. When I first moved to New York, I was still using the joint account, but none of Sam’s money. I had my own, from little bits of online work and help from friends, and I would simply use the account as a way to route the money to Mike’s mom for rent, or to my credit card bill.

I went to pay my rent one month, and realized that the bank account was overdrawn—by $800. Sam hadn’t worked the overtime, this I’d come to expect. Or he had, and just decided to fritter away the money on something else, like fast food and video games. Either way, the money wasn’t there, so the bank had taken its piece of flesh, including MY money. This was followed rather closely by seeing a repossession on my credit report. Sam had lost the car, because he had stopped paying for it. He had stopped paying for it because it stopped working and he didn’t feel he should be paying for something that didn’t run. (Again, I’m not kidding. This was actually his logic.)

I panicked once again, but this time I did something I’d never done before. I reached out to people in my hurt and frustration. I posted on Facebook (not my finest decision, but I had nowhere else to turn by then) that I was so angry by something “someone” had done. Sam’s response to this was to take personal offense and tell me that if I wanted a divorce, he wouldn’t contest it.

That was it. That was his FIRST response to me reaching out for help. To end our marriage. But not even that; if he’d had the balls to ask for a divorce himself, this would’ve all been over more quickly and with less pain. No, he avoided the blame yet again by saying that if I wanted a divorce, he wouldn’t contest it.

Of course he wouldn’t. That would require effort on his part, same as filing for the divorce himself.

It took me several months to even get my fingers to type the words “I want a divorce.” Thankfully, Mike’s mom had an ex-husband who had treated her pretty raw when he left, so she understood. We worked out the missing money (again, with the help of a great friend), and I finally started opening up to my family about Sam.

They were shocked. True, they’d known something wasn’t quite right, but for the past 10 years, they’d had no idea the isolation and psychological abuse he’d put me through. I started talking about it with my closest friends, apologizing profusely for not sharing sooner, and their only admonition was at my assuming they wouldn’t have taken me in. I felt like a fool, like a complete idiot for believing Sam all those years.

Mike and I eventually moved across the country, back to where my family was on the west coast. That was when I finally felt safe enough to tell Sam that I wanted a divorce. I also told him not to try to contact me directly, to send all correspondence (and my belongings) through my mother. He never made an attempt except when he thought he could get her “on his side”, something he never really managed. I started talking more candidly with my mom about everything that had happened, about how it had messed me up, about how he never had a clue what to do with a mentally ill wife. It took me a while longer to realize he knew exactly what he was doing, and he did it quite well.

Even after I filed for divorce (admittedly, a long time after everything—I suppose part of me was hoping he would do this one thing for me, after everything he took away, and file himself), he is still being the same selfish, lazy, unmotivated jerk. When he was served with papers, he had 20 days to respond. The response form is easily obtainable (along with instructions) from an easy-to-find website. He even told my mother he’d get right on it. That 20 days ran out the beginning of this year. It’s now almost February, and Sam never filed his response with the courts. It wouldn’t surprise me to learn he’s not even printed the form.

Fortunately, Mike and I have some of the same issues to work through, so we get it. We know how to care for each other most of the time, and when we don’t, we fight. It sounds like a bad thing, but we get our emotions out, the deep-rooted causes come to light, and we can talk about it and work through it. That’s healthy, surprisingly. I live no more than ten miles from my mother (after 7 years of living 1700 miles away, it was truly hell for me), and I’m getting the help I need.

Sam still lives in that trailer. He works for another call center (the one he was so determined to keep laid him off a few months after our fight about it), and as far as I know, his life is the same. As far as I care, his life is the same. Literally the only thing I miss from that decade of my life is my cat.

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

15 internet moments in 2018 that made us scream 'NOPE'

*unintelligible screaming* 

We're only halfway through 2018, but it already appears to be the year of loudly yelling at the internet every 20 minutes or so.

From insensitive YouTube videos and mortifying viral challenges, to disturbing makeup trends and abhorrent tweets, the online world has truly tested our patience these past six months.

SEE ALSO: Elizabeth Warren got a new puppy because everything else is bad

Here are 15 of the biggest NOPE moments the internet had to offer this year. They'll be tough to re-live for sure, but let them inspire us all to be better online contributors in the future.

1. Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad Logan Paul saga

YouTuber Logan Paul kicked off 2018 in one of the worst ways imaginable. On New Year's Eve, Paul shared a video with his 15 million subscribers that contained footage of an apparent victim of suicide he found in Japan's Aokigahara forest.

After the video received a serious amount of backlash, Paul apologized, claiming he "intended to raise awareness for suicide and suicide prevention," but in the weeks that followed the situation only grew worse.

Dear Internet, pic.twitter.com/42OCDBhiWg

— Logan Paul (@LoganPaul) January 2, 2018

A supercut of Paul's trip to Japan, which showed him severely disrespecting Japanese culture, went viral. He was dragged for an insensitive comment he left on Cardi B's Instagram, and admitted he wasn't making content with his younger fan base in mind. 

In wake of the vlog backlash, Paul did make an effort to advocate for suicide prevention by pledging to donate a total of $1 million to various suicide prevention organizations, but that didn't erase all the pain and disgust his careless video caused viewers. 

2. The painfully embarrassing Tide Pod Challenge

The year has already birthed a number of viral challenges, but none have proven to be as foolish and potentially deadly as the Tide Pod Challenge.

After teens started recording and sharing videos of themselves frying and "eating" poisonous soap-filled pouches known as Tide Pods, YouTube had to step in and take action. Tide Pods videos were pulled from the site, but the damage was done. 

Tide Pod inspired pizza, doughnuts, sushi, and shots were created, and things wound up getting so out of hand that stores had to LOCK UP THE DELICIOUS LOOKING DETERGENT. UGH! Humans sometimes, honestly! 

y’all really joked around so much that tide put their tide pods in plastic boxes...smh pic.twitter.com/Z44efALcX5

— ㅤnavid (@NavidHasan_) January 13, 2018

3. Meals cooked in a MOUTH

The first half of 2018 was also when we learned about this chef who cooks meals using only her freaking mouth. She preps turkey stuffing, steak tartare, pancakes, and even a smoothie using her teeth and saliva, then uploads the videos to YouTube. We don't care if it's "performance art," it's A LOT to comprehend, so can we get a NOPE over here? 

4. When someone tried to make teeth nails a thing

Some bizarre beauty trends have popped up in 2018, but teeth nails took things way too far.

Instagram user @nail_sunny cursed feeds everywhere by sharing a video of regular old nails being transformed to resemble human teeth. The cringeworthy footage was set to Drake's "God's Plan," and IDK about you but I prefer the original music video a whole lot more.

A post shared by Nail Sunny Loves FIFA 2018 (@nail_sunny) on May 8, 2018 at 9:07am PDT

5. Kanye West's tumultuous Twitter return

In 2018, Kanye West decided it was time to tweet again and fans had NO idea what they were in for.

Since April 13, 2018, when Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey welcomed the rapper back to the platform, Kanye has taken his 28 million followers on a dramatic roller coaster filled with tattoo designs, fashion photo shoots, the deepest of musings, album release dates, controversial comments on slavery, and a whole lot of love for Donald Trump.

pic.twitter.com/YyUw0mCKov

— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) April 25, 2018

Watching Kanye's feed over the past few months has truly been exhausting, even for his IRL friends.

6. Pelican takeover

A real-life horror film was shot at the 2018 Pepperdine University graduation when very large pelicans swarmed the ceremony and wreaked havoc on attendees.

Things got so intense that security had to step in, and, after all their intruding, the birds didn't even get diplomas.

7. Elon Musk hating on journalists

Grimes' boyfriend gave President Trump a rest and decided to share his own thoughts about the media via Twitter. Musk announced he plans to create "a media credibility rating site" that will allow the public to review the truth of individual articles, journalists, editors, and publications.

Going to create a site where the public can rate the core truth of any article & track the credibility score over time of each journalist, editor & publication. Thinking of calling it Pravda …

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) May 23, 2018

Despite the fact that his girlfriend's mom is a journalist, Musk carried on with his anti-media rant, explaining his belief that the journalist's lack of credibility is the reason Trump was elected in the first place. 🙃

8. The Nukebook

Japanese graphic designer Shusaku Takaoka shared a horrifying recreation of the iconic image from The Notebook that will probably ruin your life.

Normally, the photo from the romantic film, based off a Nicholas Sparks novel, shows stars Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams embracing in the rain. But Takaoka replaced the actors with Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un to give the internet the following painful sight.

A post shared by shusaku takaoka (@shusaku1977) on Jun 12, 2018 at 6:50pm PDT

2018, please be nicer to us!

9. BBC imagining the "perfect body"

In a terrifying video shared by BBC, anatomist Alice Roberts examined an advanced model of the perfect human body. It had enlarged eyes and ears, a chimp's lower back, emu legs, a breast-less chest, the heart of a dog, and lungs of a swan. And oh yeah, did we forget to mention A BABY POPPING OUT OF A MARSUPIAL POUCH? NOPE!

10. The IHOb hype

The International House of Pancakes (aka IHOP) really tested everyone's patience in 2018. The chain  restaurant, best known for its breakfast food, decided to unleash a long, drawn out, and very secretive marketing campaign in which it would re-brand from IHOP to IHOb.

Mashable figured out the "b" stood for burgers before the big announcement, but IHOP made everyone wait an entire week before officially revealing the burger news. So extra.

For 60 pancakin’ years, we’ve been IHOP. Now, we’re flippin’ our name to IHOb. Find out what it could b on 6.11.18. #IHOb pic.twitter.com/evSxKV3QmT

— IHOb (@IHOb) June 4, 2018

11. Millie Bobby Brown leaving Twitter

Twitter hit an especially low point when Stranger Things star Millie Bobby Brown left the platform in June after becoming the subject of a hateful meme.  

It all started when the hashtag #TakeDownMillieBobbyBrown — which was started in 2017 by the now suspended Twitter user @KelsFiona — resurfaced online. In response, people began sharing false stories, negative memes, and fake Snapchat photos claiming that Millie is homophobic. 

i think it’s time i share my #TakeDownMillieBobbyBrown story... i was at my local starbucks, and milky boobie brown comes in so i asked her for a picture. then she PEES in my drink! then she called me a “fat chicken dyke” and put a straw in my nose! i’ve never been so ashamed.

— Laurane :) (@Laurie________) June 5, 2018

After the 14-year-old anti-bullying advocate — yes, she has an entire side Twitter account dedicated to spreading love and kindness — endured a substantial amount of trolling she deactivated her account. How are those anti-harassment plans coming, @Jack?

12. BBQ Becky, Permit Patty, and Pool Patrol Paula

Meme's don't always stem from lighthearted events, and 2018 has proved that with BBQ Becky, Permit Patty, and Pool Patrol Paula. 

In May, an Oakland woman named Jennifer Schulte called the police on two black men who she believed were grilling in a park without a permit. After a video, which captured the woman's interaction with the men and phone call to the police went viral, Twitter users slammed her for racial profiling and she came to be known by meme-makers as "BBQ Becky." 

A month later, Alison Ettel called the police on an 8-year-old girl for selling water on a sidewalk. Ettel was also transformed into a meme, dubbed "Permit Patty," and her harsh actions against a child of color were condemned by many.

We gotta new meme tho y'all #PermitPatty pic.twitter.com/DW3TFjRzn4

— Racist Raj 🌹 (@_ethiopiangold) June 23, 2018

Less than a week later, a third white woman — 38-year-old Stephanie Sebby-Strempel (now known to the internet as "Pool Patrol Paula") — was charged with assaulting a 15-year-old black boy at a public pool after reportedly yelling racial slurs. A video showing part of the confrontation was posted to Facebook, and the #PoolPatrolPaula hashtag was started to raise awareness of her unacceptable behavior.

In light of this utterly disappointing trend, Mashable created a list of 5 things white people can do before calling the cops on a black person. Please read it.

13. Roseanne's racist remarks

In June, actress and comedian Roseanne Barr tweeted a racist remark about President Obama's former black female advisor, Valerie Jarrett.

Barr's tweet received a serious amount of backlash. In response, the actress deleted the tweet, claimed she was just joking, and then tried to blame Ambien for her actions. Ultimately, the tweet led to her show being cancelled, her agent dropping her, and a her taking a short leave of absence from the social media platform.

14. Marco Rubio complaining about the fucking "F-word"

After a shooting at the Capital Gazette left five dead, staff writer Selene San Felice appeared on CNN where she said the following: "I'm going to need more than a couple days of news coverage and some thoughts and prayers, because it's our whole lives have been shattered. And so thanks for your prayers, but I couldn't give a fuck about them if there's nothing else."

Instead of tweeting support for the press, Marco Rubio decided to rage tweet about people using the f-word a little too freely.

Sign of our times... the F word is now routinely used in news stories, tweets etc It’s not even F*** anymore. Who made that decision???

— Marco Rubio (@marcorubio) June 29, 2018

"Sign of our times... the F word is now routinely used in news stories, tweets etc It’s not even F*** anymore.  Who made that decision???" Rubio tweeted on June 29.

Always nice to see a man who has his fucking priorities straight. Isn't it?

15. A whole lot of Donald Trump

In the first half of 2018 Donald Trump has had a LOT of not so great moments online.

Early in the year "girther" memes examining Trump's physique spread after the White House announced he's 6 feet, three inches tall, and weighs 239 pounds. There was that time he tried to convince everyone he's a "genius," tweeted incorrect facts, attempted to host the failed Fake News Awards, insulted many — including but certainly not limited to Jay-Z, Alec Baldwin, and Maxine Waters.

Crazy Maxine Waters, said by some to be one of the most corrupt people in politics, is rapidly becoming, together with Nancy Pelosi, the FACE of the Democrat Party. Her ranting and raving, even referring to herself as a wounded animal, will make people flee the Democrats!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) July 3, 2018

Not to mention the mess of typos and deleted tweets the president's Twitter followers have had to endure.

So yeah, as you can see the internet is occasionally a digital portal to hell. But the online world hasn't been all bad this year. Check out 16 of the best internet moments in 2018 to restore your faith in humanity.

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