#and we had a nice chat
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There's one cashier at the local store who knows about my transition stuff and he wished me luck today and always asks how I am and it made me tear up a little and I can't phrase things well rn but there's something about strangers genuinely wanting things to go well for you that makes me incredibly emotional about humanity
#the reason why he knows is a bit of a weird story but anyway#stopped by the store on my way to pre-surgery exams to get some snacks and red fruit juice#bc I have a history of passing out after blood tests#and we had a nice chat#he says that he had wanted to be a girl too but then accepted that he has to live his life the way he is#I think that's kinda sad and I think it's never too late to transition but ah well#also he's like 20 something!!!! barely 5 years older than me!! that's far from too old#anyway please send thoughts and well wishes my way :0 this is the last round of tests and permissions before my surgery#I'm so excited#mom is increasingly scared tho dkdhdkdgjd she was so chill about it at the start but now is big time freaking out#I mean I understand why#I just feel bad for making her worry
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(artwork, warning for blood)
hear me out... uh... twice as wrice? wricest? neckling? licewreck?
i honestly have no idea how this would work but i think it could be cool. nice could be alive or he could be a ghost but either way lin ling has two hands and im an indecisive shipper
#why are all the english ship names for these characters atrocious#i had this in sketches but changed L0's outfit to match current events :)#chat do we fw this#to be hero x#tbhx#tbhx nice#tu bian yingxiong x#tbhx wreck#tbhx lin ling#po huai wang#nai si#lin ling#nice x wreck x linling#naiwang#nicewreck#wrice#supremefloof#nicest
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No one understands guilt better than a girl with emotionally immature parents
#personal#actually bpd#bpd#bpd vent#actually borderline#bpd thoughts#vent#actually traumatized#actually cptsd#emotionally immature parents#like my dad just stole my moms phone AGAIN to text me some BULLSHIT#as he always does. and I was mean because wtf#and now I feel bad cause he's trying to be nice even though 6 seconds ago he called me a spoiled asshole#I told him that if we never speak again he can look at the last chat we had where he basically called me a useless bitch#soooooooo 🤦♀️ unfortunately.....he never learns. I told him he should have never called me a stupid bitch when i was 5 yrs old#because that STUCK with me. so hard. and his response was well maybe you were being one#excuse ME?
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Mom I threw up
OH MY GOD HELLO TEENY
#fave#art on the fridge#snap chats#ANOTHER MASTERIPECE TO PUT ON THE FRIDGE HELLO ?????#he's so teeny .... stop lookin at me with them big ol eyes ............#wait story time one time i had a really bad stomach ache cause i didnt eat all day and i told my mom so she gave me tylenol or somn#and then i threw up and she made me mac and cheese All Of This Is To Say i am making him a bowl of mac and cheese as we speak#i dont want him to leave my inbox but i also must share him with everyone .... he's a darling .....#thank you for this gift i will cherish him always by keeping him in my pocket. in a literal sense as i save this to my phone NICE
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pls be his prom date🥺
#i remembered during high school we had a prom night at this grand hotel. i didn’t go since nobody asked me to be their date😆 lol#so i stayed at home and video called my bestfriend while we ate and chat together#at first i felt like i missed out for a while. but looking back at it it was just another nice night for me to spend with my closest one:)#have you guys ever been to one?#steve rogers fanart#novembersippedaway#high school au#captain america fanart
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Halfway through my comps!!! Think I did okay on day one
#tomorrow is nineteenth and twentieth centuries#so i have to refresh on that#BUT having done the work today makes me feel much better about doing the same thing again#and my friend who's doing phd comps asked if i wanted to get food after so we did that and just ate and chatted for an hour#which was a super nice way to destress between the test and the drive home#i also think now that getting a cold last week was in part a gift#because the week before had been Cramming Time and i was getting actually unable to stop thinking about comps#and then the cold turned off my ability to work for about a day and a half like NOPE. only comfort reads of my sister's fics and old manga#which was a nice change actually#ANYWAY that's where i am now
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Being relative toddler in the functional adult world while having mutuals online who can't drink yet is crazy I feel like I should be giving you guys juice boxes and patting you on the head and making sure you're not cracking your heads open on the Tumblr playground
#being a camp counselor is fun though one of my kids last year somehow miraculously never got injured all month#and she would always ask for band-aids even though she didn't need them because she thought they were fun#she was so sweet and her parents were nice too i miss her lol#we also had chocolate treats for the kids but she didn't like chocolate so i went out and got her gummy bears#i also had a boy whose right leg was always in a splint because he was recovering from some surgery or injury#he couldn't run around with the other kids but he said it was ok because he didn't like sports & was only there because his parents made hi#he still had friends though and loved to chat with the other kids and me and always sat against the same tree with a little book#anyways idk why i started talking about that but i'm excited to do more camp stuff this summer when i go home yay <3
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open ai made a little post about how they chose their chatbot voices and two things stood out to me:
a) I am genuinely pleased and surprised that the voices come from specific real people that they hired and paid, rather than being built off of all of the data open ai has scraped. the voice for siri did one job for one company 20 years ago and now she is literally everywhere without ever being compensated by apple or even acknowledged as the voice. there's simply no way she was paid enough in that original job. whereas, open ai says "each actor receives compensation above top-of-market rates, and this will continue for as long as their voices are used in our products." this could mean literally anything (what market rate are we going above? does continue mean they get residuals or get paid for doing more sessions?) but, christ, at least the actors are doing it with full knowledge of what their voices are being used for and can decide for themselves if the compensation is enough
b) the post talks about working with "award-winning casting directors" to get the voices. first of all, yay for paying casting directors! we love to see it. but they also say the CDs received over 400 submissions in a week and they state that like a big number and it's just...not at all. and look, without knowing the intricacies of the casting process, it's hard to know what approach the CDs took - it's very possible they were selective from the jump and 400 is a lot from the pool they were tapping. 400 would be a lot if you were going to the agencies directly and asking for names, but there's just no way in hell open ai went after big stars for this. so it would've been a pool of unknowns. in which case, 400 is laughably small. even if you're not using the big casting sites like actorsaccess, I've worked on projects with CDs and their own internal systems where we've gotten over 100 submissions for a single role. I've posted roles on casting sites and received literally thousands of submissions in just a few days
look, I have a very limited perspective on this - I am not a casting director (imo, one of the most important and undervalued jobs in hollywood) and I, in fact, hate the process of casting with a passion. but 400 just seemed like such a tiny pool to pull from and, idk, it heartens me! it's heartening to think that there's very little interest from actors and agents to be doing this kind of stuff. and absolutely no shade to the actors who did--I want actors to get their bag however they want as long as it's, like, safe sane and consensual, you know? but there's something encouraging about thinking that open ai hired some big casting agency to get their foot into the voice acting door and people didn't come running
#ai#entertainment industry#lauren takes too long to say things#I am not anti-AI#mostly because I can tell when I've lost a war and need to figure out how to live with my new overlords lol#but also bc chat has genuinely been helpful for writing research!#(more in the sense that it helps me narrow down what I need to do real research on)#(bc the information it gives is often wrong)#but I am of COURSE concerned about how it's going to affect my industry#and if you've been following me for a while you probably saw my sag posting last summer during the strike#and given the contract sag got around AI#actors disinterest is THEE cudgel with which we will beat this stuff down#so the fact that the most popular AI company in the world had 400 people to choose from#is nice to my ears!!!!#(assuming of course that I'm correct about their process)#plus I'm just so RELIEVED that they actually hired people to do this#that's all that really matters - consent#if you're an actor and you give your voice to an AI company that will use it forever#as long as you KNOW that#and you have someone looking over a contract for you#more power to you!
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Internet road trip update: today we went in a circle. that's about it. we'll never make it to Canada at this rate.
#i swear to god if we end up going back to China‚ Maine after this. let's at least go through Palermo and north from there this time#I fear we may re-loop though. chat is lobbying for another loop.#we're still listening to WBOR though!!! we love WBOR#I genuinely might buy some WBOR merch. i love this random maine radio station now ���#NOOOOO oh my god they're playing creedence clearwater revival now. just as I was being nice about them.#nothing wrong with CCR afaik but it just sounds like my grandpa's radio at family reunions lol.#loved him very much. he used to play this song (bad moon rising) so loud though.#it was my family's 'okay‚ who gave Howard the aux' song 😭#but see this is why I actually love listening to the radio. you listen to random stuff and it reminds you of things#that you'd never reminisce on with your same streaming playlists. it's just such a vibe#even if I thought I had escaped creedence clearwater revival lol.
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She’s married she’s married she’s married she’s married (to a man to a man to a man to a man)
#I need to stop imprinting on women with PhDs#I need to just be regular friends and colleagues with them#the first one is straight#this one is maybe bi but more importantly married#but god why does every conversation feel so flirty#the women I go on actual dates with are not as affectionate in casual conversation as she is#I really wish I could date normally and I really wish I could make friends/do networking normally#but dating doesn’t really work for me because I really need to get to know someone before I can determine if I have feelings#but clearly I only develop crushes and feelings on women that are completely uninterested in me romantically#my therapist calls that self sabotage but I don’t think she can fully understand how confusing demisexuality is#like I feel a connection with the people I feel a connection with and that has never once happened for me going on dates#it only happens with people I get to know really well platonically first with absolutely no thought or pressure of theoretical romance#I would fucking love it if I could go on three dates with a girl and feel anything other than ‘we get along well and I had a nice time’#I would fucking love if I could just make out with someone casually and it not be incredibly uncomfortable for me#but no instead I just develop really intense friendships with women that see me like a little sister and I don’t a#and I don’t say anything because I don’t want to make things weird#my hormones are all over the place#we haven’t talked in awhile but we’re chatting about what crafting projects we’re each working on#so I’m feeling vulnerable and emotional
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Fam and i were passing a sock shop and we saw a cyclops one and In Devious Union my brother and i said ‘cysocks’
#snap chat#speaking of siblings tho i finished those Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver comics and i fear i need more i love them sm 😭😭 back to me tho.. lol#so it turns out we share a braincell. AWFUL !!!#YOU KNKW WHAT HE SAID TO MEON THE TRAIN context i put eyeliner on so i look esp like a raccoon today. also more rings but whatever#my brother was like ‘at least we dont have to worry about anyone sitting next to us theyjust have to look at you and be like 👀’#LIKE WHY IS HE SO MEAN TODAY well jokes on his dumbass two kids ended up having to sit next to us ANYWAY#SO DIE <- this is average brother banter please be nice to us both#my dad was a lot nicer about my outfit … as per usual … omg wait this blog gets to leaen about how cool my dad is and how much i love him :]#ANYWAY MY DAD WAS NICER he literally stopped me and turned me around just to look at my whole outfit sosnwkssk#he kept insisting it was very cool and that i was fashionable. he DID be like ‘wow ! emo :)’ at first which almost made me throw up laughing#but thats what my dad does best: making me laugh and Not making me feel like a gross heathen. unlike SOME parents……………#anyways if we walk hy the shop again ill take a pic of the cysocks. because thats what this post was about fjWPDJSKSK#FOR NOW BYE my bro and i are in a bank lobby rn dodnskkejz#my dad had to do somethin real quick but he should be back soon then we’re going to meet my. older sis#see theyre both older than me but i distinguish them via Older Sister and Eldest Sister#because using their names is ridiculous. ok bye
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i also more formally met our rodolfo tonight and he is such a sweetheart. big jolly teddy bear of a man
#sasha speaks#one of our rodolfos. we have two casts#i've encountered him before now but this is the first time we've properly introduced ourselves#at break i was distributing the last of my hamentaschen to my orchestramates and i offered one to a viola who turned it down#and rodolfo was sitting nearby and asked if he could have hers and i was like knock youself out#and he was very excited about getting a free cookie lol#but also introduced himself and shook my hand and asked me what instrument i played and everything. very nice#at one point during act 2 when i wasn't playing i was watching the cast fuck around onstage and he caught my eye#and smiled and gave me some 'you guys sound great' gestures#then on my way home we ended up walking in the same direction across campus so we chatted as we went#he asked me how different it was playing opera vs symphonic repertoire and if i had a favorite composer#and told me about his very campy idea for a la boheme sequel. which i jokingly referred to as La Boheme 2: Mimi's Revenge#and he went yeah that's basically the idea LOL#really nice guy. i like when anyone is nice and friendly of course#but it's an extra treat when the singers not only acknowledge us down in the orchestra#but are supportive and enthusiastic and interested in what we do. really makes the night more enjoyable
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the sad thing about good looking strangers is that I'll never see them again,,,,,,,,
#2 bartenders with tattoos...........#one has long hair in a ponytail..........#theyre so my type......#i also talked to this super nice guy when i was getting coffee and apparently he was in canada to study and stayed with a filipino family#he was visiting paris because he had a paid work leave#AND I DIDNT ASK FOR HIS INSTAGRAM OR ANYTHING LIKE WE WERE CHATTING N SHIT AND FUCK IM SO DUMB IM SO DUMB AUGHGYGG#not even a name 😔😔😔#maybe destiny will find a way 😔#frambling...?
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oh also in other news, I had my revision top surgery today and it went well!!
I keep fucking having to remember like omg right I had surgery today bc it was such a tiny revision so it's like the babiest surgery I've had to date compared to its "I can't straighten my spine" and "I can't fucking breathe" predecessors 😅
#revision top surgery#my friend came to pick me up (ie to sit with me in hospital until they discharged me & then walk me to tram stop & take tram home w me)#and then we just went to my flat to chill there#she made sure I got home ok and that everything was fine and we just chatted all afternoon so it was very nice ❤#also 10/10 private surgery W#record time between starting surgeon search (late december I think?) & actually getting it (beginning of april 👌)#earnings from new job so far have already covered the amount of money it cost & I'm still in the green for the year#((guys turns out having a stable income is amazing who knew x'D))#I wasn't even fucking nervous beforehand bc it was basically a less bad version of top surgery so familiar & known that it'd be less rough#and like I've already had two other surgeries in the last like 4 years so I'm just like used to it by now#everyone was professional & lovely and did a good job (obv I haven't seen result yet but it literally Cannot Be Worse than the original so#we shall see at my one week post-op dressing-removal appt next week#surgeon said he did a good job & knowing that (notably plastic) surgeons are more perfectionist abt this stuff than I am#I trust that he did)#also I ended up going with a non-trans specific service and they were great#my advice stands: if you're looking for private surgery and it *can* be done by a non-trans-specialist#go find a non-trans-specific one it'll give you way more options & they'll do a perfectly fine job
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met the chainmail lesbians my girlfriend made friends with at a ren faire this weekend and like
i see my future and it is bright yknow
#only one of them was there unfortunately but we had a nice chat#and now my gf and i have matching chainmail keychains because of course
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.
#ok blessings!#I had a very good day actually I was just feeling cranky earlier because pain and talking to relatives. writing to remind my future self.#so!#had a 6 hr shift at work (busy but good for morale because the patients were all nice to me)#came home ate leftover curry and naan for lunch changed out of my scrubs and immediately left for town#(speaking of scrubs..I got new scrubs! they're a gorgeous dark berry color and so comfy and so many big pockets!)#hung out with one of my good friends. we laughed a lot and ran around by the river.#and went to a bookstore and then got tea!#and then in the little rock and roll shop#we ran into a girl I knew in middle school and we got to catch up! sometimes seeing old friends is awkward but this was chill.#and she said I should come back and chat next week! very fun.#also I did so much walking between work and the trail that my legs are sore which is DELIGHTFUL. I haven't worked out in an age.#yapped with my dad for an hour about music! I'm slowly but surely going to get him to like dnd via the sound design of worlds beyond number#now sitting down to answer some asks and then maybe watch some tv and go to bed.#I am so overjoyed and thankful that spring is in the air! even when we get another cold snap we'll just Know it's so so close!!#does marvels for my mood!!#praising God for the best week I've had in a while.#and also that most of my friends seem to be also doing better#this winter was just a Lot and I think we're all relieved and thankful to be looking forward to spring.#blessings#diary
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